How to get past barracuda firewall

So I have a girlfriend and we've been dating since February and for a few weeks I've been questioning how I really feel about her. Sometimes, I would feel like I wanted to break up but I still try to make myself love her, however, I always end up thinking ahout breaking up.
These past few days, It has gotten worse and I've been having more thoughts about breaking up. I don't think I'm really ready to be committed to someone and share my life with someone. I tend to enjoy doing my own stuff nowadays than talking to her.
A little bit of backstory... Last year, I had about 4 relationships over the span of 5 months.
August: The 1st lasted 4 days, I broke up cause I found out another girl liked me and I got attracted to her. (Lets call her Althea)
Aug - Sep: The 2nd lasted about a month and that was with Althea. It came to me that she was hopping on a relationship with another boy so we just broke up.
The very day Althea and I broke up, I started dating another girl again (Lets call her Rhea)
Sep - Oct: My relationship with Rhea lasted a month and that was one of the more serious relationships I've had.
I broke up with her because I lost feelings
Oct - January: I stayed single for a few weeks then I started having a relationship with a guy and that was the longest of them. We lasted 3 months.
He broke up because his parents didnt approve.
A little over 3 weeks later, I caught feelings for a girl
Now shes the one im dating.
Within our relationship, her friends have approved of me and they've had good thoughts about me and they always thought we would last.
I feel so bad and guilty because if I broke up with her, not only will she get heartbroken but all the people I've met in her life with probably dislike me too and it doesnt feel good. I know if I broke up with her, I'd disappoint others around me cause they'd find out I broke another person's heart.
Somehow I just find it difficult to value my own happiness over what others think. It doesnt feel good to have dated 4 people in such a short time.
I really want to stop this dating madness and focus on myself for the mean time. How do I bring it up to her that I want a break up?

Hi Everyone, I'm probably going to have a bunch of follow-up questions, so I appreciate everyone's help in advance, but for now, I'm going to try and keep it as simple as possible. I think I should be able to work out the other steps if I can just get past the first hurdle. Teach a fellow to fish, and all that.
Unfortunately, I can't upload sample data because the data is sensitive, so I'm going to use a made up example to help explain where necessary.
The End Goal: I am creating a metrics dashboard to display how well we are progressing towards our annual goals. I have one table with the metrics listed, along with the 2024 goal for each metric (numeric values). We'll call this the Metrics table. I also have two tables combined which contains all the data used to calculate the 'Actuals'. We'll call this the Data table. There are no fields that join the 'Metrics' table with the 'Data' table. I plan to create a dual-axis bar graph which shows Actuals vs Goals.
Since there are no matching fields between the Data table and the Metrics table, I plan to create a calculated field for each of the individual metrics, using data from the Data table. I will then create a calculated field named "Actuals" which will contain a series of IF statements based on the metric name. i.e., IF [Metrics].[Metric] = "Metric 1" THEN [Data].[Metric 1] ELSEIF [Metrics].[Metrics] = "Metric 2" THEN [Data].[Metric 2], and so on and so forth.
The issue I'm having is creating the calculated fields for each metric...
An Explanation of the Dataset: Let's say my data is about the delivery of fruit and vegetables. The two tables combined to make the 'Data' table are a 'Delivery Stats' table and a 'Metadata' table. The 'Delivery Stats' table lists the fruits and vegetables delivered, the date, the quantity delivered, the quantity that are rotten, and the % that are rotten. The 'Metadata' table lists every fruit and vegetable that we have ever ordered, and then lists the features of each fruit/vegetable. e.g., if it's a fruit or a vegetable, the colour, the country of origin, etc. Note: each fruit/vegetable is only listed once in the Metadata table, as the metadata is static.
The last piece of the puzzle is that I have a 'Metric Date' which is a calculated field. It shows the last available date from the previous month, based on the data available. So within my dataset, that date is March 29. The reason I am using a calculated field is so that the date can be dynamic based on the data available.
Where I'm Stuck: My first metric is 'Number of Red Fruit/Vegetables'. So I want to do a simple count of the number of rows where the Colour is listed as 'Red', but only on the Metric Date (i.e., March 29). And this is where I'm getting stumped.
I can create a table where I have Date and Colour in the rows, and then Total Fruit in the Marks, but what I need to do is create a calculated field that shows only the count of red fruits and only on the 'Metrics Date'.
What I've Done So Far: I created a binary calculated field called "Red" which uses IF logic to assign a 1 or a 0 to each row:
IIF([Colour]="Red",1,0)
I then created the 'Number of Red Fruit/Vegetables' calculated field which uses IF logic to SUM the "Red" column when the Date = the Metric Date:
IF [Date] = [Metrics Date] THEN [Red] END
But it's throwing out a number that's way higher than it should be. (It should be 224, but I'm getting 1,120). I can't work out what it's doing to get the higher count.
I think a large part of my struggle is because I'm still stuck in the Excel mindset of using a "COUNTIFS" function to get the total. I just can't for the life of me figure out how to do the same in Tableau.
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read all this and can offer some guidance.
TL;DR: How to I create a calculated field that spits out a single count of all the records where the data meets multiple criteria located across multiple fields?

Little long so bear with me, so I (F27) have an on/off FWB arrangement with this guy (28). We hung out a few weeks ago after not seeing each other for a few months (I caught feelings, didn’t wanna get hurt, so I stopped it) but haven’t hung out since. Anyways, earlier today I let him know my doctor is making me go back on birth control after I told him that I’ve been sexually active (I also have endometriosis and PCOS so he wants me on it for that as well) and he was like well you haven’t been having sex with me. In response to that I said, well I did a few weeks ago so I consider that to be sexually active. The next thing he said actually shocked me and hurt my feelings/pissed me off a little bit. He pretty much said I’m not sexually active enough with him to be on birth control for it so if I’m having sex with someone else to leave him alone. This man knows I do not mess around with multiple people at one time and I told him that and all he said was “🥴same”. Anyways, normally when someone hurts my feelings or pisses me off, I just let it slide because I absolutely hate confrontation due to having PTSD from a past relationship. But I feel like this time I should say something about how he made me feel. I don’t really know what to say though so if anyone has any advice on what I can say to him, I’d greatly appreciate it.

So yeah, pretty much what the title sounds like. I (21 M) have been going through a bit of a “hoe phase” for the past month or so with guys off of Grindr. Right now, there’s this guy (43 M) that I’ve been seeing and I’m starting to really get attached in a way I didn’t expect. We’ve been texting every day all day for a couple weeks now, we’ve hung out, gone out to dinner, and it’s been really nice every time I’m with him. We have a lot in common, both in and out of the bedroom. I’m trans and this is the first cis guy I’ve met willing to respect my identity and go out of his way to make me feel comfortable. (A low bar, I know) I’ve spent hours with him and it didn’t even feel like time was passing. Not to mention the sex is phenomenal. Every so often he’ll bring up the fact that we’re fuck buddies, or that this will all come to an end at some point, and it makes me honestly sad to think about. I don’t really want this to be over any time soon. But I also know that the age gap is pretty big between us. And I honestly don’t think I’d spend the rest of my life with this guy, but I don’t want to lose him just yet. Is that selfish? I don’t want to stop him from finding someone just so he can mess around with someone half his age, and he’s said before he’d understand if I told him I started dating someone. But I don’t find myself wanting that right now. I just wanna spend my free time with him. I don’t know what to do, or where this is gonna go from here. I personally don’t care about the age difference between us. But I’ll probably never actually say any of this to him. I’m too scared of pushing him away or something. Our relationship is mostly sexual so I really can’t tell if he genuinely just wants something short and fun or if he wants something a bit longer lasting. I can tell this guy all my kinks but the second it comes to how I’m feeling I shut down. I’ve always seen age gap couples and thought the guys a creep no matter the circumstances, now I’m not so sure. He doesn’t really like when I bring up my age, if anything I think he’s more freaked out about it than I am. Which is another reason why I won’t tell him any of this. Once he asked if I’ve told anyone about him, when I said yes his follow up question was if I told them how old he was. When I said yes he seemed genuinely shocked, like he’d expected to be kept a secret. But I like him, a lot, so I talk about him sometimes. I have a feeling he doesn’t talk about me much, but nothing I can do about that. TL;DR I’m falling for a guy double my age, he keeps calling us fuck buddies and I don’t know if that’s what I want

Context
I first met him through a modern paid dating website, it was only 1 time for me out of interest. LO is 8 years older than me and was already successful back then, whereas I only became successful professionally 1 year after meeting him.
During our initial meeting, he kind of first stared at me. During conversation he was quite boastful about who he is and who he knows which made me a bit sceptical. But he also mentioned that he's a relationship type, likes children, and talked about some bad dates he'd had. After we were intimate, we saw each other a second time, he asked first, I asked to remove the paid context and instead of doing what he liked I could focus on my pleasure to so to speak. When I got there he mentioned that he thought I don't like him. I am usually not a forward person but just kind of awkwardly denied that and said of course I like him. But afterwards he opened his arms to hug me in bed, which felt unexpectedly intimate. However, I think I accidentally offended him during our conversation afterward. Which must have been my first serious clue that I was getting extremely nervous around him and developing limerence. A weird mixture of initial hostility with sparks of interest and a slow warming sprinkled into it.
For a few months, I didn’t hear from him. The first week I felt like I was hit by a truck.
Then, out of the blue, he sent me a heart emoji with no text. I knew he was on a world trip for a year during that time, which added to the complexity of the situation. But I figured it was a mistake or the wrong receiver or a test to see if I blocked him so I did not respond.
When he eventually asked to meet again months later after he had returned, he was somewhat colder, we were totally unfamiliar again, wanting to see me for physical purposes and complimented my looks in a sexual context. I was surprised by anyone thinking of me for that. But I was conflicted because somehow these interactions were so cut short, so confusing, so much sense of underlying issues that I cannot put into words. I would like to do physical stuff but normally I think it doesn't necessitate to be so short with things. We agreed to meet, but on the day of the meeting, I canceled due to me being conflicted, scared, you name it. We rescheduled, but then he said he was tired on the day we were supposed to meet. Weeks later, I messaged him about something unrelated. He mentioned he would be available for a week before traveling again, and we agreed to meet once more. When we finally met again, we immediately initiated physical things. Afterward, he noticed I didn’t talk much and mentioned it. At this point I was annoyed about the inability to interact like normal human being with each other. In the end I gave him a goodbye kiss on the cheek, just before leaving in the doorway internally letting go and recognizing that this would be the last time in my life that I would see LO. I didn’t reach out to him after that, and he didn’t contact me either. I eventually blocked him, also due to a new relationship.
I did anonymously check his social media once in a while, sometimes obsessively. Throughout this time, he has been single, actively looking for a relationship on social media, and consistently sharing quotes about love, fear of love, and people wondering why he was single.
I have purchased and read books that he read, trying to understand who he is internally, just out of limerence. I had no intention of imposing myself upon him or demanding closeness. I discovered my favorite verse about love in one of the books his activity led me to, and he posted the same verse months later. All of this from a distance—fantasy, just writing verses, poetry, and trying to distract my mind from it, finding normality and continuing my life.
Present day
I accidentally moved closer to his area and I think we walked past each other once or twice. There seemed to be some staring, but I looked away and marched on. Maybe I am crazy but I think it was him
Four years later, I saw him on Tinder, and he liked my profile.
My feelings are a complex tapestry of emotions, ebbing and flowing like the tide. I experienced intense longing and dreams of him at night for four years, making my heart ache with desire. It took every bit of my inner self control and my last dignity to not reach out to him and keep him blocked during that time. Despite getting married in the meantime, that relationship is nearing its end, adding to the turmoil. I'm caught in a moral quandary, feeling guilty yet overjoyed by the thought of him. A blend of excitement and fear courses through my veins, creating a constant, anxious hum that resonates throughout my body, making every moment feel charged with both possibility and dread.
I have never spoken to anyone about this
What would you do? What should I do?
He probably swipes everyone
I think I am the last woman on earth he would be interested in
It would be so painful for me to match and him unmatching or not writing me
But he mentioned using the app years ago, although I recently (accidentally) moved close to where he lives he could have probably swiped me before. Or maybe he only used Raya. I am screwed
Please don't hate on this too much, i know how horrible it all it. I truly know.
TLDR
I met him through a paid dating website and we saw each other a couple of times, developing an unexpected intimacy. However, our interactions were often confusing and left me feeling conflicted. After a few months of silence, he reached out again, but our meetings remained brief and complicated. Eventually, I stopped contacting him and blocked him, especially after entering a new relationship. Despite this, I occasionally checked his social media, noticing he was single and looking for love.
Years later, I moved closer to his area and think I saw him a few times. Recently, I found him on Tinder and he liked my profile. For four years, I've had intense longing and dreams about him, even as my marriage is ending. I'm torn between excitement and fear at the thought of reconnecting, feeling morally conflicted.
What should I do? I'm afraid of rejection and the pain it might bring, but also can't shake these feelings. I haven't spoken to anyone about this before.

I am a male (18) and i have been diagnosed with epilepsy about 4 years ago. When i was 14 i got my first epeleptic seizure, i didn't think much of it at first because the doctor said it was curable. But as time went forward it got worse and worse and it really fucked me up because many times not only were there mental problems but also physical ones. Because i had so many seizures where i fell on my head. One time i fell on my face and some of my teeth fell out and i had to get stitched up ( i don't know where i fell precisly but it was somewhere on the street) and i noticed that my memory is all messed up i can't remember much of my past because all of the stress and the seizures that i got. I didn't get bullied because of it but a "friend" of mine thaught it was funny and made a joke of how i start shaking when i get a seizure. I thaught that was really fucked up and i wanted to bash his head in but it was complicated because he's family of a good friend of mine so i just laughed it off but it really frustrated me. Ever since i got depressed because of this disease i stopped caring about school and i skipped school a lot wich i regret SOOO much. Now im still having trouble with school im trying to get my GED but it's really hard for me because i have no motivation anymore. My parents always argue with me for not going to school and they think im some kind of failure an im doing this because i don't care about them and im selfish but they don't know all i ever wanted to do was make them proud. It's not until early this year that i stopped getting seizures and im kind of happy about that. But i think there's been too much damage done for me to feel normal and as i am growing im starting to need to take more responsibility like earning money wich also is a big reason for my unhappines. I was always a good student and smart enough but now, i lost all of that. Many times i had suicidal thoughts but i know i can't kill myself because i just can't do that to my family it breaks my heart even thinking of it. I am sick and tired of holding all of this stress frustrasion and sadness in and i need help can anyone please tell me what to do because im lost and don't know what to do with my life anymore.

~First~
(Got up Early to talk about the CPAP machine and such. Only to be given an appointment on friday. So yeah, in trying to solve a sleep issue I’m giving myself more of one. Incidentally Friday will be late due to well, the CPAP retrieval and tutorial)
The Pirates
“So, they’re here.” Agenda says contently as she finishes feeding her fussiest little girl.
“Yep!” Jingay chirps happily as her freshly hatched little children are happily playing on the glowing, shimmering platform that her rattle has brought to life. She can’t do anything complicated, but a soft shiny platform for her little slithers to play around in? She can do that, but it takes some focus. The tiny fluffy child of Vuni is cuddling the strong Jungle Nagasha tail that wraps around her own tail.
“How formal a call do you think we should make?” Miles asks in an amused tone.
“Not especially, after all the babes ensure it will never be properly formal, they’re too happy and healthy.” Agenda notes.
“I blame you for that.” Miles says and Agenda laughs.
“If you don’t want the blame I’ll take it.” Vuni remarks.
“You’re just as guilty.” Miles says and Vuni laughs in response.
“What’s going to happen?” Jingay asks and Miles is pensive for a moment.
“I don’t know.” He notes as his hand gently rubs the handle of his revolver. The constant rubbing had necessitated him re-burning the names of his family back into it. “But no amount of waffling about will let me know. So if you don’t mind. I’ve been... getting something a little ready.”
“Is this what you’ve been sneaking around to do for the last three days?” Agenda asks.
“Something like that. It’s a bit of a treat I wanted to give you girls so... care to join me?” He offers.
“What have you done?”
“Me and the boys got together a great big feast so that we can all talk The Inevitable at once. It took a bit of doing, but when the boys and I get moving, we really get moving.”
“Are you including Red Squadron and Biran in that?”
“And a lot of cadets too. Markus gave them a proper mission in setting up the area.” He says.
“How is that a mission?”
“It involves deploying a military force to secure and prepare an area for higher ranking officers to approach and remain there for a time.” Miles says before offering his hand. “There’s plenty of space for all our little ones, and for all our allies. Give them all a big impression. How does that sound?”
“Well, if you’ve been planning this for days.”
“I have. All of us have.”
“Then I suppose we HAVE to show up, don’t we?” Agenda says in a luxurious tone. “I’ll get my coat.”
•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•×•
The hall that Miles leads them to is a massive refurbished hanger that has all kinds of carpets put down, tapestries hanging from the ceiling and tables upon tables of different treats of all sorts already out. The Undaunted Cadets are all rushing around putting down more meals and treats and between the richness of the carpets, the crystal bowls and platters and expensive drinks and foods. But the sort of... scrambled way it’s been put together by the cadets lends it an earnestness that bleeds through. More important though are numerous floating platforms where a child can be safely put down and be right beside their parent.
“Oh this is a treat. I haven’t even been one of you guys for long!” A four part harmony says as Moira walks in with little Liǔ Shù napping in the arms of the four bodies that didn’t speak. The toxic little girl not only has numerous of the protective pendents on her and woven into her clothing, but is in a dark jumper that lets her bright skin stand out as if for presentation.
“Well, as their novels say, all for one, and one for all.” A new voice says as a pair of Cannidors lead in their own family. More and more and more people pour in from all entrances, many in uniform, many of them her own girls. Some of them she barely recognizes. Every single one of them that notices her looking raises a glass, nods, salutes or somehow pays their respects to her.
Her little one squirms ever so and is softly comforted. For a moment there is almost a feeling of vertigo. There was a time where all this wasn’t even a dream of a dream. She could remember the feeling. How could she forget it? The sensation of something gripping your very mind and soul and stopping you from even thinking of disobeying. Then so long trying to get things right, trying to be in control of her own destiny, before finally achieving it and learning just how hard that was. How many sacrifices and concessions she made before what seemed to be one of her final concessions... turned out to be final in the best of ways.
“Alright! We have a connection to The Inevitable! Who wants to say hello to the next batch of humans in the galaxy?” Ryu calls out.
“My Lady?” Miles asks as he smiles up at her. She gives him a raised eyebrow at that.
“My lady is it? Well then, I better live up to it.” She says.
“Connect us!” She commands and there is a cheer through the room before a massive projector uses one of the tapestry covered walls as a screen. “Good Ship Inevitable! Can you hear me?”
“We can, you are on a friendly frequency.” A man of Asian Descent says sitting stiffly in his command chair. “I am Observer Wu, sent from Earth to conclusively determine what is going on outside our corner of the galaxy. Identify yourself please.”
“I am Duchess Agenda Lilpaw! I am the ruler of the Vucsa System an Undaunted World! I greet you, because I have long learned my lesson to stay on the good side of humans!”
“Have you now? If I’m not mistaken that is a fully grown human right next to you. You look like you could take him fairly easily.” Observer Wu says in an amused tone.
She looks down to Miles before shaking her head.
“I made that mistake once. My entire ship was not enough.” She says fondly before pulling him close. “Then I was offered a deal, and he used it to help make me a duchess. So you’ll forgive me if I think humans are a good thing to have around.”
“Did he now? I didn’t realize galactic conquest was the intent of The Dauntless and her crew.” Wu notes.
“Well, as one of the conquered, I would like to say I prefer this result. After all, being able to walk about the city without a bodyguard is a welcome change of pace.” Vuni says drawing attention to herself with a slight bow. “Ambassador Vuni Luxed at your service.”
“So this world prefers to be conquered?” Observer Wu asks.
“This world was a slum at it’s best. A hellscape at worst.” Mari Horny states as the Carib woman waves to the camera. “Mari Horny. I was here to witness it all. I’ve seen slaves freed, monsters hunted down no matter what kind of power or influence they have, be they person or beast. With them I’ve seen the children I worked so hard to protect grow stronger and thrive. Doom has come to this world time after time, and they met it each time. If you’re here to observe, then observe this room! Everyone here saved, aided or inspired by the people you’ve come to evaluate! There are ten pure blooded humans in this room, but beyond it is nearly a billion souls who will vouch for them from the first to last! And so will I!”
“No need to be so dramatic ma’am. I’m an observer, not a judge. I am here to see and hear without bias or illusions. Things are odd, and odd things have happened. The governments and officials back home need to understand clearly and without any doubt. So that is why I am here. There was confusion in the first message sent back. The second furthered the confusion due to multiple parties having separate interests. I have been tested, tried and guaranteed numerous concessions and payments for an utterly neutral perspective.”
“So your word is going to be how all is, then they decide if we committed treachery.” Franklin notes as he floats up with several bundles around him, many of them laughing. “Behold this then. My children. All healthy, with myself as the only human parent. My daughters take after their mothers, my son takes after me, but has his mother’s strength.”
“He is nearly transparent.” Observer Wu notes before Franklin gives the little boy a tickle and he flickers in and out of visibility while laughing. “Most interesting. This Vucsa world of yours, before I do my research upon it, is there something you would like to say about it?”
“This is a world on the edge of Wild Space. Which means that it’s often been used in the past as a place where experiments happened.” Miles says.
“Interesting. Such as?” Observer Wu asks.
“Such as my daughter here. I am Moira Octalliry, I will cut through the details and simply state that my anatomy allowed me to be experimented on a great deal.” She says and Observer Wu looks at her oddly.
“Are you one, or many?”
“I am one, but I am eight as one.” She says. “As is my daughter, I have named her Liǔ Shù. She was a piece of myself remade to produce a weapon. She and I were both rescued. I was forgotten in darkness for thousands of years, as was my daughter. Held in a single moment in time and left to rot.”
“And... is she a weapon?”
“I am told you have creatures similar to her new ability back on your homeworld.”
“We do? What is the name of this creature?”
“The Poison Dart Frog.” She says and Observer Wu’s eyebrows go up.
“Don’t forget about the fact that we fought off that robot witch!”
“Robot Witch?” Wu prompts.
“A weapon of war created by a very large, dangerous and expansive criminal family. A death robot known as Mother Massacre.” Moira says. “So consider that. Without them going... I don’t even know what to call it, I saw the contradicting orders, without them going sane for lack of a better term, I would still be in a slowly failing stasis capsule, buried and forgotten in the darkness.”
“And so, in summation, and from the mouths of those that clearly trust them what is your opinion of The Undaunted and the humans that make it up?”
“When I was brought to this world it was as a slave, my dignity ripped from me, my home destroyed and in less than a day I had my freedom, dignity and a new home.” One of the Erumenta that Agenda cannot recognize out of hand announces.
“And my own. My whole family, those that were enslaved are freed, those that were indoctrinated into that wretched way of life have been allowed time to recover.” Biran says grandly.
“They took me in.” A smaller voice says as Karim rises up. “I’m a Hlo’Shab. Death Born. I could have reasonably only expected to have my core shattered, or shunned for my entire life. Instead I have a home.”
“And... to be Death Born means what?”
“I am a Slohb. By blood I have only one true parent. I was broken off of them far too soon and they died as I survived. Death Born. Or... well, I don’t have blood but... you get the idea right?” Karim asks.
“I understand.” Observer Wu notes. “I have more calls incoming. Is there more from Vucsa for me to see or hear?”
“Over here!” A jubilant voice calls out and the room turns to see Hewhew standing on the shoulders of Heffer to tower over everyone with the Agela’s height added to his own. “Red Five calling it in! The Vucsa Defence Fleets fly fast and proud to keep our home safe!”
The crowd around him, pilots all, throw up their right arms and cheer along with Hewhew. “Welcome to the Galaxy Observer! We’re ten tons of awesome in a two pound bag! Let’s rock!”
Observer Wu smiles as he looks around. “I look forwards to discovering the truth of things.”
“That’s the fun part of the galaxy sir, it’s so absurd we don’t need to lie.” Miles states and Observer Wu turns back to him with a smirk.
“Well, we shall see, won’t we?” He asks. “Is there anything more?”
“I take it you’re not in the mood for a display of flight prowess? We’ve been working on a new routine.” Hewhew calls out.
“Perhaps later. I have numerous calls waiting.” Observer Wu states. “Now if you’ll excuse me...”
~First~ Last

So I am not sure if I have abilities others don't or if I am more sensitive than the average person,
Background, I grew up in a haunted house but never experienced anything really outside of feeling like someone may be watching me, I had heard from other family what they had experienced when I was too young to remember.
As I got older I have always been different from most, however I have some mental issues, bipolar,ptsd,anxiety,addiction
I've always had vary vivid dreams from a young age, as I've gotten older I was very depressed and stuck to myself being homeschooled after the fith grade, I got into drugs at 17 and became addicted to various substances plus my mental illness went wild, however I no longer take substances outside of cannabis and mushrooms. I'm also as stable as I can been on medications.
As I moved out of the house at 13 to another I would get nightmares being in the old house and I would be getting tormented by spirits, It started as just a haunted house trying to scare me, then I got mad because of the occurrence and would be in a vivid dream taunting it, never really winning it would laugh or only show itself when it wanted to not me.
In my dreams I will see my loved ones like normal but be able to tell that isn't them and will notice and then my dreams get weird and I either wake up or try to get away, I'm aware now and don't get them as often but it was terrifying at a point.
I got into reading the satanic bible, lucifieran bible and necronomicon, at one point, during this I had a vivid dream I wasn't on this planet and went to a place that was dark with odd terain and glowing green water, however I had a dream I was going into a church and instead of a normal pastor it was a demonic one and had a cloak over his face , I had a rosary with a bone and gave it to him, accepting that I don't have power in my dreams and am sorry for taunting the spirits in my reoccurring nightmares, it went down to know I only have them rarely and know what's going on everytime it happens again.
During my addictions I have experienced sleep paralysis and it was terrifying, like a demonic smoke figure in a cloak looking at me feeding of the fear,
I have had my aunt pass and visit me in my dreams, I have had my grandpa pass and visit me in my dreams, I didn't get to say goodbye, and got closure in my dream, I woke up feeling like the hug was real.
I knew the night before my grandpa passed he was going to had a gut feeling but I decided not to follow that instinct, next morning I woke up to uncle banging the door however my dream was a old guy in a room that didn't have anything, just sitting infront of me no conversation, woke up and my grandpa was gone, feel it was him but didn't wanna show me it was him yet.
Anymore my nightmares if I have them are usually still in the old house and has to do with a spirit trying to take the shape of my loved ones, I have never seen the spirit responsible, only felt it in my dreams and heard laughs when I try to be more powerful than it.
Not super long ago I had a dream a tornado was coming for me at my current house, we had stroms not super long after and while it wasn't my house it hit 30 minutes away from me and my girlfriends step dads house got hit.
I feel like I am sensitive to energy, I can sense the feelings of being watched at times, getting goosebumps and hair standing up not due to the cold but somthing around, especially when I talk to people or give them tarot card readings, I can end up with my hairs standing or goosebumps if the conversation felt like it resonates with me.
I have an amazing relationship with my girlfriend, we I belive are twin flames, so similar, almost like we can read eachothers minds at times and say the same things at the same time often or can guess what she's about to say at times, but I also feel whenever her energy shifts and so does she if mine shifts.
I can sense if a person is good or bad, I can also at times sense somthing bad a long time in advance before it actually happens. Unfortunately.
One of the best new experiences I have had was taking mushrooms with my girlfriend for healing, I do it somewhat often, helped with grief , addictions, mental health, spirituality,
It brings us closer together and helps us both to heal, I didn't know it was possible but we managed to be able to use our energy on eachother while tripping and have what feels like full on sex without any touching involved, it can last for a long time too, this has happened the last 3-4 times we have tripped once we discovered how to tap into each other's minds. It's almost better than having actual sex, I feel like we leave our bodies and full on merge together as one during this time.
Now this is were it gets weird , a few days back we went to a place in amish country and once inside I noticed it felt off, however to not waste money and with everyone posting such good reviews figured we would stay and take mushrooms for healing as we do about once every month - 2 months,
I had the feeling in this house that the loft and basement were bad places to be, like being watched and feeling like there was somthing in this house, not sure what but something the first floor felt the best but still uneasy,
We had grabbed a clock from downstairs, plugged things into this one outlet next to the stairs and clock prior to taking mushrooms, they were charging, clock worked. Outlet worked, downstairs had a weird sad vibe to it ,weird musty smell also Sulphur smells randomly and even the water smelled like Sulphur there was a hornet in the toilet when we got there and had to flush it, also was 2 stains on the cieling in basement, not sure if it was water leak or if someone may have passed in the house and it soaked thru the ceiling of basement.
We wanted to paint eachother as we took the mushrooms, we did this until they started to kick in and once they kicked in we went and started fear and loathing in lost vegas, once I started getting closed eye visuals and working on my innerwork, my girlfriend felt like she wanted to go downstairs to lay in bed,
We stayed in bed holding eachother , bonding, eventually tuning into eachothers energy having sex without actually having it, then we couldn't hold back anymore and actually had sex, however we stayed down there until the trip wore off, it was about 3 am and everything switched on us.
She was feeling really sad and like she wanted to leave this place, I felt like I was being watched down there and somthing bad had happened in the past, I went to go upstairs was kinda afraid to alone but eventually went upstairs because she wouldn't at the time, tried to charge my phone and the outlet and clock didn't work anymore, I had been talking about leaving the house because she was feeling targeted and I felt like it didn't like either of us but like it wanted to feed off her if she went to sleep.
We went upstairs at a point and when I was asking if there were spirit's in the house and that if so I meant no disrespect and will only be staying until we could leave in the morning safely, as I would talk about the spirits seemed like my girlfriend would feel sick, same as being in the bed, very sad while downstairs.
I opened a bible and it was weird it didn't even feel like real paper , it also was moving by itself somewhat like working against me or moving for me to point out things, the clock on the wall was moving way faster than normal after this,
I tried getting her to leave , I didn't want to stay anylonger but knew we had to wait until sunlight atleast, she fell asleep and I was sitting next to her in this erie basement, had to turn the fan on because felt like if it was quiet I would loose it, what's not normal is the fact that she went to sleep and didn't really move, make sounds or anything like usual. I felt like I could hear people upstairs as she was asleep, almost like music was playing or a man signing and it was on repeat it would come and go, such low volume but also loud , the fan in the mix didn't help but I didn't wanna hear it anylouder.
I ended up trying to sleep and kinda did for a few hours but no dream I was hoping I would have a vivid dream of what happened in this house.
In the morning got our stuff packed up and left, before leaving I had used a ghost box. Told the spirit we were about to leave and as my girlfriend was going to the car it talked, then when she came back inside I left the ghostbox going and it talked while we were both there. I told it that we are leaving and this is your house but you are not welcome to come with us. Right as I opened the door I got a whiff of sulphur and as we left the house sulphur smell followed for a while.
Went to a shop got sage, used it before we got home, then yesterday unpacked from our trip and I made the joke about hopefully nothing came back with us from there. I went fishing and used the scissors from the house, i forgot to put them back so I have them. I saged our room, bags, clothes and once I found it left it outside in our burn barrel, didn't wanna risk it being in the house.
Last night we should have gotten good rest tho and we did not so I wonder if it had to do with those scissors coming from that house. 🤔
Anyways, long story but honest opinion would be helpful and on top of that if theres a way to strengthen my senses and all that would love to know!

My partner and I have been in a loving relationship for over 8 months now. Honestly, he's the most endearing and lovable person that I have ever come to know, and our relationship has been filled with nothing but joy, laughter, love, and unconditional support.
We have always been straightforward and honest about our past traumas and impactful experiences with each other. My partner has been sexually assaulted by people he trusted and cherished the most on couple of occasions growing up, which have left him with deep hurt and fear of intimacy. As our relationship evolved over time, he made significant progress and has finally gotten over his attachment issue, and I cannot express how proud I am of him. However, he still has trouble with staying hard during penetration and cannot bring himself to fully enjoy our intimate moments (physical-wise). He does not have any problem with me pleasuring him orally or using my hands. He has also been really apologetic about how he has been unable to get aroused by me and how his trauma has stripped him of the "ability" to get sexually turned on by someone he loved romantically. We talked this out, and not long ago, he decided to seek professional help and therapy, because he wanted to improve himself as a partner, become a better version of himself for the sake of our relationship and me, and experience those special moments as well. All of this makes me really happy and proud of him, but as a partner, I don't know what to else to tell him or do for him. I wish to support him in every possible way and be there for him, but I don't know what would comfort him whilst he works on himself. This is all new to me. How do you help your partner through their healing journey?

So I am not sure if I have abilities others don't or if I am more sensitive than the average person,
Background, I grew up in a haunted house but never experienced anything really outside of feeling like someone may be watching me, I had heard from other family what they had experienced when I was too young to remember.
As I got older I have always been different from most, however I have some mental issues, bipolar,ptsd,anxiety,addiction
I've always had vary vivid dreams from a young age, as I've gotten older I was very depressed and stuck to myself being homeschooled after the fith grade, I got into drugs at 17 and became addicted to various substances plus my mental illness went wild, however I no longer take substances outside of cannabis and mushrooms. I'm also as stable as I can been on medications.
As I moved out of the house at 13 to another I would get nightmares being in the old house and I would be getting tormented by spirits, It started as just a haunted house trying to scare me, then I got mad because of the occurrence and would be in a vivid dream taunting it, never really winning it would laugh or only show itself when it wanted to not me.
In my dreams I will see my loved ones like normal but be able to tell that isn't them and will notice and then my dreams get weird and I either wake up or try to get away, I'm aware now and don't get them as often but it was terrifying at a point.
I got into reading the satanic bible, lucifieran bible and necronomicon, at one point, during this I had a vivid dream I wasn't on this planet and went to a place that was dark with odd terain and glowing green water, however I had a dream I was going into a church and instead of a normal pastor it was a demonic one and had a cloak over his face , I had a rosary with a bone and gave it to him, accepting that I don't have power in my dreams and am sorry for taunting the spirits in my reoccurring nightmares, it went down to know I only have them rarely and know what's going on everytime it happens again.
During my addictions I have experienced sleep paralysis and it was terrifying, like a demonic smoke figure in a cloak looking at me feeding of the fear,
I have had my aunt pass and visit me in my dreams, I have had my grandpa pass and visit me in my dreams, I didn't get to say goodbye, and got closure in my dream, I woke up feeling like the hug was real.
I knew the night before my grandpa passed he was going to had a gut feeling but I decided not to follow that instinct, next morning I woke up to uncle banging the door however my dream was a old guy in a room that didn't have anything, just sitting infront of me no conversation, woke up and my grandpa was gone, feel it was him but didn't wanna show me it was him yet.
Anymore my nightmares if I have them are usually still in the old house and has to do with a spirit trying to take the shape of my loved ones, I have never seen the spirit responsible, only felt it in my dreams and heard laughs when I try to be more powerful than it.
Not super long ago I had a dream a tornado was coming for me at my current house, we had stroms not super long after and while it wasn't my house it hit 30 minutes away from me and my girlfriends step dads house got hit.
I feel like I am sensitive to energy, I can sense the feelings of being watched at times, getting goosebumps and hair standing up not due to the cold but somthing around, especially when I talk to people or give them tarot card readings, I can end up with my hairs standing or goosebumps if the conversation felt like it resonates with me.
I have an amazing relationship with my girlfriend, we I belive are twin flames, so similar, almost like we can read eachothers minds at times and say the same things at the same time often or can guess what she's about to say at times, but I also feel whenever her energy shifts and so does she if mine shifts.
I can sense if a person is good or bad, I can also at times sense somthing bad a long time in advance before it actually happens. Unfortunately.
One of the best new experiences I have had was taking mushrooms with my girlfriend for healing, I do it somewhat often, helped with grief , addictions, mental health, spirituality,
It brings us closer together and helps us both to heal, I didn't know it was possible but we managed to be able to use our energy on eachother while tripping and have what feels like full on sex without any touching involved, it can last for a long time too, this has happened the last 3-4 times we have tripped once we discovered how to tap into each other's minds. It's almost better than having actual sex, I feel like we leave our bodies and full on merge together as one during this time.
Now this is were it gets weird , a few days back we went to a place in amish country and once inside I noticed it felt off, however to not waste money and with everyone posting such good reviews figured we would stay and take mushrooms for healing as we do about once every month - 2 months,
I had the feeling in this house that the loft and basement were bad places to be, like being watched and feeling like there was somthing in this house, not sure what but something the first floor felt the best but still uneasy,
We had grabbed a clock from downstairs, plugged things into this one outlet next to the stairs and clock prior to taking mushrooms, they were charging, clock worked. Outlet worked, downstairs had a weird sad vibe to it ,weird musty smell also Sulphur smells randomly and even the water smelled like Sulphur there was a hornet in the toilet when we got there and had to flush it, also was 2 stains on the cieling in basement, not sure if it was water leak or if someone may have passed in the house and it soaked thru the ceiling of basement.
We wanted to paint eachother as we took the mushrooms, we did this until they started to kick in and once they kicked in we went and started fear and loathing in lost vegas, once I started getting closed eye visuals and working on my innerwork, my girlfriend felt like she wanted to go downstairs to lay in bed,
We stayed in bed holding eachother , bonding, eventually tuning into eachothers energy having sex without actually having it, then we couldn't hold back anymore and actually had sex, however we stayed down there until the trip wore off, it was about 3 am and everything switched on us.
She was feeling really sad and like she wanted to leave this place, I felt like I was being watched down there and somthing bad had happened in the past, I went to go upstairs was kinda afraid to alone but eventually went upstairs because she wouldn't at the time, tried to charge my phone and the outlet and clock didn't work anymore, I had been talking about leaving the house because she was feeling targeted and I felt like it didn't like either of us but like it wanted to feed off her if she went to sleep.
We went upstairs at a point and when I was asking if there were spirit's in the house and that if so I meant no disrespect and will only be staying until we could leave in the morning safely, as I would talk about the spirits seemed like my girlfriend would feel sick, same as being in the bed, very sad while downstairs.
I opened a bible and it was weird it didn't even feel like real paper , it also was moving by itself somewhat like working against me or moving for me to point out things, the clock on the wall was moving way faster than normal after this,
I tried getting her to leave , I didn't want to stay anylonger but knew we had to wait until sunlight atleast, she fell asleep and I was sitting next to her in this erie basement, had to turn the fan on because felt like if it was quiet I would loose it, what's not normal is the fact that she went to sleep and didn't really move, make sounds or anything like usual. I felt like I could hear people upstairs as she was asleep, almost like music was playing or a man signing and it was on repeat it would come and go, such low volume but also loud , the fan in the mix didn't help but I didn't wanna hear it anylouder.
I ended up trying to sleep and kinda did for a few hours but no dream I was hoping I would have a vivid dream of what happened in this house.
In the morning got our stuff packed up and left, before leaving I had used a ghost box. Told the spirit we were about to leave and as my girlfriend was going to the car it talked, then when she came back inside I left the ghostbox going and it talked while we were both there. I told it that we are leaving and this is your house but you are not welcome to come with us. Right as I opened the door I got a whiff of sulphur and as we left the house sulphur smell followed for a while.
Went to a shop got sage, used it before we got home, then yesterday unpacked from our trip and I made the joke about hopefully nothing came back with us from there. I went fishing and used the scissors from the house, i forgot to put them back so I have them. I saged our room, bags, clothes and once I found it left it outside in our burn barrel, didn't wanna risk it being in the house.
Last night we should have gotten good rest tho and we did not so I wonder if it had to do with those scissors coming from that house. 🤔
Anyways, long story but honest opinion would be helpful and on top of that if theres a way to strengthen my senses and all that would love to know!

My pill usually takes off the burden of pms right out of me, but for medical reasons it didn't work this month so I've been having a hellish week. Usually I would write it off as being deppressed or tired, but it's different. Sure I'm tired all the time, can't stop sleeping and want to do nothing, but I also can't stand to eat anything but rice. I tried, the texture and the shape of anything else makes me so disgusted I need to spit it out, no matter how good it tastes. Every single noise is making me pissed off, even people I like speaking, the heat is unbearable and other's touching me became somehow ten times worse. I could endure it, now I flinch and extrincate myself away. The simple thought of social interaction makes me want to tear my hair out.
But I know I'm not deppressed because I can still enjoy things in a way I never can in a very bad crisis. I take full comfort from my books. Other hobbies not so much because doing them is taxing, I can't pay enough attention to croche, and music is... too much at the momment.
Not gonna lie, the past six months have been very stressfull. The past month especially. I had to deal with going to a wedding after being away from family for years, I'm getting my diagnosis which is cool but also tiring (I want a day where I don't have to be introspective), and two big college group projects. I thought after finishing those projects everything else would be smooth sailing. The rest of the period I basically just have to show up to classes and write a couple of papers, which, ok, can be hard with the ADHD and sensory overestimulation daily, but I sure can handle it, right?
Nope. It's like after I handed out the last project I just... deflated. I took a few days to rest but it didn't work. I even tried to rest after having a big meltdown a week ago but It's like I only get more exhausted. I don't know what to do, I can't drop college again even if my parents will be supportive. And to be honest one those classes was such a pain in the ass I'd rather eat rocks than do it all over again.
Sorry, I'm so tired I can't even check if my english is correct here, I hope it is.

Getting a really low deal for it at my workplace, 3100 for it, 1 owner, all service done at audio and oil changed every 6k miles. Belt looks like it's been done, no leaks, some rust damage on the rear fender and some interior wear as well but all electronics and features are working. Driving a 2006 subaru legacy rn, at 160k miles had to replace the belt and pump as well as gaskets and plugs all in the past 3 months. Luckily that all was paid for not out of pocket, but worried about how much longer it'll last. I plan on doing most of my own maintenance, so would the audi be a good replacement? I'm 19 and looking for a car to carry me through my final 2 years of college and maybe some. Any advice welcome!

So I am not sure if I have abilities others don't or if I am more sensitive than the average person,
Background, I grew up in a haunted house but never experienced anything really outside of feeling like someone may be watching me, I had heard from other family what they had experienced when I was too young to remember.
As I got older I have always been different from most, however I have some mental issues, bipolar,ptsd,anxiety,addiction
I've always had vary vivid dreams from a young age, as I've gotten older I was very depressed and stuck to myself being homeschooled after the fith grade, I got into drugs at 17 and became addicted to various substances plus my mental illness went wild, however I no longer take substances outside of cannabis and mushrooms. I'm also as stable as I can been on medications.
As I moved out of the house at 13 to another I would get nightmares being in the old house and I would be getting tormented by spirits, It started as just a haunted house trying to scare me, then I got mad because of the occurrence and would be in a vivid dream taunting it, never really winning it would laugh or only show itself when it wanted to not me.
In my dreams I will see my loved ones like normal but be able to tell that isn't them and will notice and then my dreams get weird and I either wake up or try to get away, I'm aware now and don't get them as often but it was terrifying at a point.
I got into reading the satanic bible, lucifieran bible and necronomicon, at one point, during this I had a vivid dream I wasn't on this planet and went to a place that was dark with odd terain and glowing green water, however I had a dream I was going into a church and instead of a normal pastor it was a demonic one and had a cloak over his face , I had a rosary with a bone and gave it to him, accepting that I don't have power in my dreams and am sorry for taunting the spirits in my reoccurring nightmares, it went down to know I only have them rarely and know what's going on everytime it happens again.
During my addictions I have experienced sleep paralysis and it was terrifying, like a demonic smoke figure in a cloak looking at me feeding of the fear,
I have had my aunt pass and visit me in my dreams, I have had my grandpa pass and visit me in my dreams, I didn't get to say goodbye, and got closure in my dream, I woke up feeling like the hug was real.
I knew the night before my grandpa passed he was going to had a gut feeling but I decided not to follow that instinct, next morning I woke up to uncle banging the door however my dream was a old guy in a room that didn't have anything, just sitting infront of me no conversation, woke up and my grandpa was gone, feel it was him but didn't wanna show me it was him yet.
Anymore my nightmares if I have them are usually still in the old house and has to do with a spirit trying to take the shape of my loved ones, I have never seen the spirit responsible, only felt it in my dreams and heard laughs when I try to be more powerful than it.
Not super long ago I had a dream a tornado was coming for me at my current house, we had stroms not super long after and while it wasn't my house it hit 30 minutes away from me and my girlfriends step dads house got hit.
I feel like I am sensitive to energy, I can sense the feelings of being watched at times, getting goosebumps and hair standing up not due to the cold but somthing around, especially when I talk to people or give them tarot card readings, I can end up with my hairs standing or goosebumps if the conversation felt like it resonates with me.
I have an amazing relationship with my girlfriend, we I belive are twin flames, so similar, almost like we can read eachothers minds at times and say the same things at the same time often or can guess what she's about to say at times, but I also feel whenever her energy shifts and so does she if mine shifts.
I can sense if a person is good or bad, I can also at times sense somthing bad a long time in advance before it actually happens. Unfortunately.
One of the best new experiences I have had was taking mushrooms with my girlfriend for healing, I do it somewhat often, helped with grief , addictions, mental health, spirituality,
It brings us closer together and helps us both to heal, I didn't know it was possible but we managed to be able to use our energy on eachother while tripping and have what feels like full on sex without any touching involved, it can last for a long time too, this has happened the last 3-4 times we have tripped once we discovered how to tap into each other's minds. It's almost better than having actual sex, I feel like we leave our bodies and full on merge together as one during this time.
Now this is were it gets weird , a few days back we went to a place in amish country and once inside I noticed it felt off, however to not waste money and with everyone posting such good reviews figured we would stay and take mushrooms for healing as we do about once every month - 2 months,
I had the feeling in this house that the loft and basement were bad places to be, like being watched and feeling like there was somthing in this house, not sure what but something the first floor felt the best but still uneasy,
We had grabbed a clock from downstairs, plugged things into this one outlet next to the stairs and clock prior to taking mushrooms, they were charging, clock worked. Outlet worked, downstairs had a weird sad vibe to it ,weird musty smell also Sulphur smells randomly and even the water smelled like Sulphur there was a hornet in the toilet when we got there and had to flush it, also was 2 stains on the cieling in basement, not sure if it was water leak or if someone may have passed in the house and it soaked thru the ceiling of basement.
We wanted to paint eachother as we took the mushrooms, we did this until they started to kick in and once they kicked in we went and started fear and loathing in lost vegas, once I started getting closed eye visuals and working on my innerwork, my girlfriend felt like she wanted to go downstairs to lay in bed,
We stayed in bed holding eachother , bonding, eventually tuning into eachothers energy having sex without actually having it, then we couldn't hold back anymore and actually had sex, however we stayed down there until the trip wore off, it was about 3 am and everything switched on us.
She was feeling really sad and like she wanted to leave this place, I felt like I was being watched down there and somthing bad had happened in the past, I went to go upstairs was kinda afraid to alone but eventually went upstairs because she wouldn't at the time, tried to charge my phone and the outlet and clock didn't work anymore, I had been talking about leaving the house because she was feeling targeted and I felt like it didn't like either of us but like it wanted to feed off her if she went to sleep.
We went upstairs at a point and when I was asking if there were spirit's in the house and that if so I meant no disrespect and will only be staying until we could leave in the morning safely, as I would talk about the spirits seemed like my girlfriend would feel sick, same as being in the bed, very sad while downstairs.
I opened a bible and it was weird it didn't even feel like real paper , it also was moving by itself somewhat like working against me or moving for me to point out things, the clock on the wall was moving way faster than normal after this,
I tried getting her to leave , I didn't want to stay anylonger but knew we had to wait until sunlight atleast, she fell asleep and I was sitting next to her in this erie basement, had to turn the fan on because felt like if it was quiet I would loose it, what's not normal is the fact that she went to sleep and didn't really move, make sounds or anything like usual. I felt like I could hear people upstairs as she was asleep, almost like music was playing or a man signing and it was on repeat it would come and go, such low volume but also loud , the fan in the mix didn't help but I didn't wanna hear it anylouder.
I ended up trying to sleep and kinda did for a few hours but no dream I was hoping I would have a vivid dream of what happened in this house.
In the morning got our stuff packed up and left, before leaving I had used a ghost box. Told the spirit we were about to leave and as my girlfriend was going to the car it talked, then when she came back inside I left the ghostbox going and it talked while we were both there. I told it that we are leaving and this is your house but you are not welcome to come with us. Right as I opened the door I got a whiff of sulphur and as we left the house sulphur smell followed for a while.
Went to a shop got sage, used it before we got home, then yesterday unpacked from our trip and I made the joke about hopefully nothing came back with us from there. I went fishing and used the scissors from the house, i forgot to put them back so I have them. I saged our room, bags, clothes and once I found it left it outside in our burn barrel, didn't wanna risk it being in the house.
Last night we should have gotten good rest tho and we did not so I wonder if it had to do with those scissors coming from that house. 🤔
Anyways, long story but honest opinion would be helpful and on top of that if theres a way to strengthen my senses and all that would love to know!

Bed had always been a haven for me, as I’m sure it has been for many others. A soft rectangle of comfort that I can always rely on. It didn’t matter how hard my day was or how harsh the weather outside those four edges, it always soothed me. I’d argue the harsher days made it feel more inviting.
All my worries and stress bleeding out of me, soaking into the bedsheets.
That’s all anyone needs, somewhere to rest their head. And usually, if you can be lucky enough, you might find someone to share that space with. And I was lucky enough. As wonderful as laying in bed is, when my wife would crawl in and pull up close to me, it was another ball game.
Her heat would mesh with mine, skin would run flush together, and we would become symbiotic until the sunrise. That’s all I needed, all I wanted.
I normally crawl into bed before she gets home. Her job would have her working different hours each day while my schedule was steady. So, I’d enjoy my alone time, get comfortable in bed, and eagerly await her arrival.
So that’s how it went. It was a frosty night but not cold enough to run the heater, so I just had the blankets pulled up to my chest. Work was rough, so sleep started working its magic on me quickly and I could feel my body becoming heavier in bed. I was in and out, so time wasn’t really something I had a concept of, so when I felt a pressure on the bed, it made sense that it was my wife.
Her fingers were icy as they slipped under the shirt I was wearing and rested on my chest. Her frame latched onto mine like a puzzle, and she wrapped her arms around me.
She was so cold, uncomfortably so.
It caused my teeth to clatter together for a moment as she siphoned my body heat until we had reached an equilibrium. Her fingers gently pressed into my skin, a tender pressure I had felt time and time again, one that always lulled me to sleep. And I could feel it then, slumber ready for its final approach.
So, it was there, seconds from reaching my dreams, that I heard the front door closing. It felt like someone had ripped the bed sheets off me, thin and piercing needles of cold, running shivers all over me. It was loud, the door closing, I mean.
I was frozen, I could feel the fingers on my chest tighten in response to the noise as well. It was taking me a while to process what was happening. But I figured she had forgotten to lock the front door, and someone had slipped inside, perhaps closing the door harder than they intended to in their rush.
“Stay here.” I whispered harshly; words filled with the panic response I was trying to fight off.
Quickly shunting the hand away from my chest, I got out of bed and gripped the baseball bat we keep by the bed. An object I had hoped I’d never have to pick up in a situation like this. Stepping cautiously towards the bedroom door, I could see that someone had turned a light on.
The kitchen light spilled out, meekly illuminating a few spots of the apartment. My fingers gently pried the bedroom door wider open, trying to avoid its usual squeaking.
The baseball bat rested on my shoulder as I tried to recall the last time, I had even swung a bat, suddenly all too paranoid that I might not do so effectively. There was the sound of rummaging from the kitchen, a small clattering of pots and pans.
With a few quick breaths to hype myself up, I quickly rounded the corner and prepared to swing my bat.
Stepping out, basking in the kitchen’s light, I heard a high pitch scream wail out, filling the house with the cry.
I sank.
Every bit of me felt like I was falling through the floor. My heart was at my feet and my head had sunk so low that my thoughts couldn’t keep up. She was frightened too. I must have looked insane. She was speaking. I could hazard a guess at what she was saying. An apology for making too much noise on her way in, likely. I couldn’t hear any of it, though. My head was static.
I could hardly even recognize her as my wife. No, she was a concept, an idea. She stood in all her glory as a stark realization.
My wife’s eyes became delicate with concern. As she reached out to me, I backed away, not in fear of her, but the dawning of it all put me on guard. I could still feel the fingers I felt in bed pressing on my chest as I turned around, fingers gripping the bat tighter than ever.
I was quick. Quicker than I thought, I could move in a situation like that. We should’ve left. We should’ve called the police. However, many “should haves” in life remain unclaimed forever. I left all my ‘should haves’ behind. Each rational thought vanishing with every step I took that brought me closer to the sanctity of my bed once represented.
It was still wide open from when I had left it before. I said nothing to my wife. The words in my throat were ice cubes refusing to budge. Didn’t even know if she was following me. Focusing and narrowing in on my goal was all I could do to stop myself from toppling over. From balling up on the floor in hysterics.
Returning to the room and edging through the doorway, I had expected to see the bed empty. I had so desperately wanted to laugh it off. To rationalize that my dreams and reality had meshed while drifting off and that nothing, absolutely nothing, was amiss. At the very worst, I could claim that I was losing my mind.
Just enough moonlight.
I cursed that.
That there was enough moonlight basking my room. I wish something had swallowed up the moon, plunging the world into darkness. But there was just enough to see it.
To see the bed sheets being wrinkled by the hand that had been on my chest. Just enough moonlight to bounce off her eyes, peering up at me, small pricks of silver light. Her frame was bathed in the gentle glow of moonlight, her skin taking on a pale and milky blue hue, with splotches of black reminiscent of resting ash.
That thing in my bed. The moonlight allowed me to see it. I watched as it dragged its ragged fingers back and forth on the sheets, like it was beckoning me to crawl back into bed. Its other hand held her ghoulish head up. It was, I don’t know, posing or something. Like it was trying to be seductive.
She was a monster, and worse, a monster that had invaded that one place I could rely on.
Fear consumed me. I wasn’t me. It wasn’t my thoughts rummaging around in my head; it was the thoughts of a man who just wanted to live.
I’m not sure if she had even made a noise when the end of my bat met with her soft temple. It turned out I knew damn well how to swing that thing. It was almost pretty, how the red inside of her meshed with the cold color pallet the room was adorning. There was almost no resistance. None that I could feel in the moment.
My fingernails carved into my palm as I brought the bat down over and over. Watching her face warp and twist with each hit, the blue hues being overtaken by smatterings of crimson. Her body jerked with each hit, pulses of life reaching out before quickly vanishing.
I should’ve taken a second.
I should’ve assessed the situation.
My wife, the cops, everyone I talk to tells me that what I did was natural. A fight-or-flight response gone completely haywire. But now that it’s over. Every time I lay my head down on the pillow, I can hear that horrid thud.
An axe splitting the bark of a tree.
A wet towel smacking the linoleum.
It pulses in my head, poisoning my sanctuary. I don’t know how many times I hit her. There was nothing resembling a face by the time I was done. It wasn’t the first time she had broken into someone’s house, but it’d certainly be the last.
The red paste and blue skin waltzed so lovingly with the red and blue lights of the officers that arrived on the scene. My wife must have called.
The elderly woman had escaped the nursing home her kids left her in a few nights before and had been on the street since. The frost of a winter night stealing the plush from her skin. Her already frail frame was further weakened by the lack of food. Dementia had riddled her mind. She didn’t know where she was half the time.
Bed, those four sides. It’s supposed to be a sanctuary. Somewhere you can go to escape all the monsters waiting to gobble you up outside. Not for me though, not anymore. Every night, when I peer into the darkness long enough, I could still see the silver beads peering back at me. Two small orbs of pin-prick light, reminding me.
No matter what I do.
Where I go.
What bed I call mine.
I now sleep, with a monster.

I am the teacher of a student who has been through a lot in life, what sounds like a history of trauma and neglect. Student has been living with another staff member at our school the past year, but the staff member will not continue watching student over summer. It sounds like student will go back to student's parents at the end of the school year and be checked on by children and youth, who will likely immediately remove the student and put student in foster care. (The staff member who is currently watching student isn't in foster care, I believe she is a temporary guardian or something.)
My heart breaks thinking of this student going to a random foster care facility/home and moving away from our school district, where student has had great stability and progress at last. I'm having serious conversations with my husband on whether we could help student in some way and take care of them for the summer or possibly longer. We are definitely capable of providing at this point in our lives. It sounds like even if student goes to foster care though and I happened to be a foster care provider (which would be difficult to get together so quickly I'm sure anyway), there's no guarantee student would be placed with me. I don't totally understand this all so I'm just repeating what I've heard.
I do not understand the children and youth system/foster care system, but I have a good relationship with this student and am wondering if there is some way for me to help. I have read about kinship placements but I'm not sure if that could even apply to this situation or how any of this works... just hoping for some insight on if there is any way we could take student in when the inevitable happens of student being removed from home and put in foster care at the end of this school year?
TIA, and apologies for anything I totally misunderstand.

So I am not sure if I have abilities others don't or if I am more sensitive than the average person,
Background, I grew up in a haunted house but never experienced anything really outside of feeling like someone may be watching me, I had heard from other family what they had experienced when I was too young to remember.
As I got older I have always been different from most, however I have some mental issues, bipolar,ptsd,anxiety,addiction
I've always had vary vivid dreams from a young age, as I've gotten older I was very depressed and stuck to myself being homeschooled after the fith grade, I got into drugs at 17 and became addicted to various substances plus my mental illness went wild, however I no longer take substances outside of cannabis and mushrooms. I'm also as stable as I can been on medications.
As I moved out of the house at 13 to another I would get nightmares being in the old house and I would be getting tormented by spirits, It started as just a haunted house trying to scare me, then I got mad because of the occurrence and would be in a vivid dream taunting it, never really winning it would laugh or only show itself when it wanted to not me.
In my dreams I will see my loved ones like normal but be able to tell that isn't them and will notice and then my dreams get weird and I either wake up or try to get away, I'm aware now and don't get them as often but it was terrifying at a point.
I got into reading the satanic bible, lucifieran bible and necronomicon, at one point, during this I had a vivid dream I wasn't on this planet and went to a place that was dark with odd terain and glowing green water, however I had a dream I was going into a church and instead of a normal pastor it was a demonic one and had a cloak over his face , I had a rosary with a bone and gave it to him, accepting that I don't have power in my dreams and am sorry for taunting the spirits in my reoccurring nightmares, it went down to know I only have them rarely and know what's going on everytime it happens again.
During my addictions I have experienced sleep paralysis and it was terrifying, like a demonic smoke figure in a cloak looking at me feeding of the fear,
I have had my aunt pass and visit me in my dreams, I have had my grandpa pass and visit me in my dreams, I didn't get to say goodbye, and got closure in my dream, I woke up feeling like the hug was real.
I knew the night before my grandpa passed he was going to had a gut feeling but I decided not to follow that instinct, next morning I woke up to uncle banging the door however my dream was a old guy in a room that didn't have anything, just sitting infront of me no conversation, woke up and my grandpa was gone, feel it was him but didn't wanna show me it was him yet.
Anymore my nightmares if I have them are usually still in the old house and has to do with a spirit trying to take the shape of my loved ones, I have never seen the spirit responsible, only felt it in my dreams and heard laughs when I try to be more powerful than it.
Not super long ago I had a dream a tornado was coming for me at my current house, we had stroms not super long after and while it wasn't my house it hit 30 minutes away from me and my girlfriends step dads house got hit.
I feel like I am sensitive to energy, I can sense the feelings of being watched at times, getting goosebumps and hair standing up not due to the cold but somthing around, especially when I talk to people or give them tarot card readings, I can end up with my hairs standing or goosebumps if the conversation felt like it resonates with me.
I have an amazing relationship with my girlfriend, we I belive are twin flames, so similar, almost like we can read eachothers minds at times and say the same things at the same time often or can guess what she's about to say at times, but I also feel whenever her energy shifts and so does she if mine shifts.
I can sense if a person is good or bad, I can also at times sense somthing bad a long time in advance before it actually happens. Unfortunately.
One of the best new experiences I have had was taking mushrooms with my girlfriend for healing, I do it somewhat often, helped with grief , addictions, mental health, spirituality,
It brings us closer together and helps us both to heal, I didn't know it was possible but we managed to be able to use our energy on eachother while tripping and have what feels like full on sex without any touching involved, it can last for a long time too, this has happened the last 3-4 times we have tripped once we discovered how to tap into each other's minds. It's almost better than having actual sex, I feel like we leave our bodies and full on merge together as one during this time.
Now this is were it gets weird , a few days back we went to a place in amish country and once inside I noticed it felt off, however to not waste money and with everyone posting such good reviews figured we would stay and take mushrooms for healing as we do about once every month - 2 months,
I had the feeling in this house that the loft and basement were bad places to be, like being watched and feeling like there was somthing in this house, not sure what but something the first floor felt the best but still uneasy,
We had grabbed a clock from downstairs, plugged things into this one outlet next to the stairs and clock prior to taking mushrooms, they were charging, clock worked. Outlet worked, downstairs had a weird sad vibe to it ,weird musty smell also Sulphur smells randomly and even the water smelled like Sulphur there was a hornet in the toilet when we got there and had to flush it, also was 2 stains on the cieling in basement, not sure if it was water leak or if someone may have passed in the house and it soaked thru the ceiling of basement.
We wanted to paint eachother as we took the mushrooms, we did this until they started to kick in and once they kicked in we went and started fear and loathing in lost vegas, once I started getting closed eye visuals and working on my innerwork, my girlfriend felt like she wanted to go downstairs to lay in bed,
We stayed in bed holding eachother , bonding, eventually tuning into eachothers energy having sex without actually having it, then we couldn't hold back anymore and actually had sex, however we stayed down there until the trip wore off, it was about 3 am and everything switched on us.
She was feeling really sad and like she wanted to leave this place, I felt like I was being watched down there and somthing bad had happened in the past, I went to go upstairs was kinda afraid to alone but eventually went upstairs because she wouldn't at the time, tried to charge my phone and the outlet and clock didn't work anymore, I had been talking about leaving the house because she was feeling targeted and I felt like it didn't like either of us but like it wanted to feed off her if she went to sleep.
We went upstairs at a point and when I was asking if there were spirit's in the house and that if so I meant no disrespect and will only be staying until we could leave in the morning safely, as I would talk about the spirits seemed like my girlfriend would feel sick, same as being in the bed, very sad while downstairs.
I opened a bible and it was weird it didn't even feel like real paper , it also was moving by itself somewhat like working against me or moving for me to point out things, the clock on the wall was moving way faster than normal after this,
I tried getting her to leave , I didn't want to stay anylonger but knew we had to wait until sunlight atleast, she fell asleep and I was sitting next to her in this erie basement, had to turn the fan on because felt like if it was quiet I would loose it, what's not normal is the fact that she went to sleep and didn't really move, make sounds or anything like usual. I felt like I could hear people upstairs as she was asleep, almost like music was playing or a man signing and it was on repeat it would come and go, such low volume but also loud , the fan in the mix didn't help but I didn't wanna hear it anylouder.
I ended up trying to sleep and kinda did for a few hours but no dream I was hoping I would have a vivid dream of what happened in this house.
In the morning got our stuff packed up and left, before leaving I had used a ghost box. Told the spirit we were about to leave and as my girlfriend was going to the car it talked, then when she came back inside I left the ghostbox going and it talked while we were both there. I told it that we are leaving and this is your house but you are not welcome to come with us. Right as I opened the door I got a whiff of sulphur and as we left the house sulphur smell followed for a while.
Went to a shop got sage, used it before we got home, then yesterday unpacked from our trip and I made the joke about hopefully nothing came back with us from there. I went fishing and used the scissors from the house, i forgot to put them back so I have them. I saged our room, bags, clothes and once I found it left it outside in our burn barrel, didn't wanna risk it being in the house.
Last night we should have gotten good rest tho and we did not so I wonder if it had to do with those scissors coming from that house. 🤔
Anyways, long story but honest opinion would be helpful and on top of that if theres a way to strengthen my senses and all that would love to know!

The only “friends” I’ve had recently are people from a Christian group who it’s just an obligation to hang out with. How can I get people to look past my ugly face and find friends? Without friends you can’t do things like find girlfriend or get a job etc.

This is about a woman's power. When interacting with a guy, how aware are you of the influence you have, like the way you talk, move, or choose your words, knowing it might elicit a certain response? Have you ever knowingly misused this power?
Following are some of the answers I received from a different platform. I would love to hear your thoughts.

• Selina: I believe societal constraints shaped by patriarchy strip women of their innate power, affecting how we navigate the world. I've embraced my power more through my spiritual work that incorporates both masculine and feminine energies, though I haven’t yet chosen specific deities to connect with in my practice.
• Blade Run: I recall a saying from my university psychology class: men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. I question if this still holds true, especially for younger generations, and I’m curious about others' thoughts on this.
• Mel: I’ve come to realize that I unknowingly abused my power over men in the past. Now, I regret certain actions and understand the importance of kindness and awareness in using personal power.
• The orange circle: As a man, I feel under attack from feminist movements that have redefined masculinity, making it less acceptable. I argue that women’s empowerment, often tied to sex appeal, disadvantages men unless women collectively reject societal objectification.
• PDS Kim: I've noticed that women have become more assertive over the years, which has shifted power dynamics between men and women. This change allows women to explore their femininity and power more freely.
• Chelsea: I enjoy the dynamics of flirtation and believe in using my interpersonal skills for playful interactions without causing harm. I am aware of my influence in these exchanges and try to keep them fun and harmless.
• Radiant Allure: I am conscious of my feminine power and believe I use it responsibly and for good, without harming others.
• Man of GOD servant of Jesus Christ: I suggest that power in relationships comes from allowing oneself to be manipulated.

Recently I decided to gave sobriety a real chance and now I have thoughts looking back on 6 months of sobriety, which I want to share. More recently, I started drinking again, which I'm afraid of. For some background, I have had around 15 years of what I would call “higher-than-normal” alcohol use, often peaking to very high levels and sometimes what I would call crisis levels. Sometimes I wish the crisis levels would have been higher so that I could have better identified them earlier. I generally enjoy alcohol and strive to be in a state where I am completely altered from my sober self: which is a person who is funny and a joy to be with. I think my sober self is rather harsh and negative, and not someone that anyone would want to spend time with.
I believe that a lot of my personal negativity came from my studies in International Realtions, and readings on wars, slavery, and colonialization. Utlimately you will have to decide based on the account below. My alcohol use would average around 5 pints of strong beer (~7.5%), or about 2 bottles of red wine. Sometimes it would get higher than I could count.
Alcohol use starting in 2023
Early in 2023, around march, I decided to stop drinking for a reason I can’t remember, and I had a good 2 months being alcohol-free. During that time I also decided to try out Betterhelp (tm) for a month or two and find a counselor with experience in addication. However, I had already set my mind on sobriety before I sought out the counselor, and she was just there to support my journey.
After 2 sucessful months of soberiety I received some bad news about a job I was excited about, and I was back to drinking for about 5 months. I would drink on average my usual quantity about 3-4 times per week, which was actually an improvement from before. In late September, the 5^th month, I started to read something that would be very important.
*Below I am about to summarize poorly a book by an expert on a subject which I am not an expert on. Please consult this book or other experts on sleep if you have any questions.
When I finally read the book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, something finally clicked about the damage alcohol was doing to my sleep, and why quality sleep was important for both phsyical and mental health. Most importantly, according to Walker, because of alcohol’s quality as a sedative, it puts you into a state of sedation, but this is only the first stage of the very important sleep pattern that our minds have evolved to use. The most important stage of our sleep, the NREM (non-rapid eye movement) sleep, which is our particular variant, is blocked in a state of sedation. During a sedated state, you are only experiencing a very low state of sleep that is ultimately useless and will result in feeling tired and a lack of sleep the next day.
Have you ever heard anyone say any variant of: ‘I can’t sleep without alcohol’? They are sedating themselves, and ultimately the lack of good sleep will catch up with them. But they probably can’t perceive it at that moment.
So finally I decided to stop in early October of 2023. What happened during those 6 months? During the first 3 months I started dreaming again. I started fairly well as far as work is concerned also. After only a few weeks, lo and behold, my sleep improved drastically and I began to dream like I had not for a long time. No longer did I think about how tired I was all the time, and finally I was able to devot time to the things that I wanted to.
Alcohol use in 2024
Eventually, January came around. January started great (and I actually regularly hit the gym during this time), but something else was missing. I began to feel a real absence in my life, and I wasn’t hesitant to tell those around me about it.
After the death of an aunt and a week of getting involved in an old past-time of video games, I was lost. A game by an independent developer with passion for his craft created Songs of Syx, which lets you build and manage a city of thousands of people with several different races of different creatures with their own preferences and personalities. Who could resist?
I love art. I love (some) video games, and consider them a form of art, but now I cannot deny that games can become a sort of addication as well.
But this and other less interesting distractions came at the cost of my personal growth. Soon I was lost in distractions again whether they be good or bad. In March I started having dreams where I would drink again, albeit mildly. In April, we had the first very nice day in a very long time. I was finally feeling better, and I desired a beer.
I spent months in these distractions, thinking of calling out to the people who had supported by sobriety but too ashamed to tell them the reality of what I was actually doing. ‘Well, this is better than drinking,’ I had told myself. And in a way, it was. In another way, this replacement deprived me of what I really wanted. I started painting, and listening audiobooks while I painted. All this was great, but I still somehow felt empty inside.
In mid-April, I had a beer for the first time in six months. I had lost 10 kg, the alcohol was much more effecitive on me in producing creativity. Everything felt right again! Until the next morning, when I essentially lost a day, which would be a prelude to several upcoming lost days…
So why did I start drinking again? A bit due to genetics, I’m fairly certain. In part because the weather was nice, and the thought that having a beer would be nice. In large part I’m certain that I wanted to be released from the negative thoughts that I have to deal with by myself. In my situation, there’s nothing better than seeing smiling faces and shaking a bunch of hands, and alcohol helps me feel that joy on my end, so that it’s not just a forced smile from my end but a genuine one. And that is a nice feeling.
Appendix: On drinking and creativity
I’ve always told myself that I have the ‘Mark Twain’ syndrome when it comes to drinking. Mark Twain is a considered a classic among American authors, and he was known to drink a lot, especially while writing. I also like to drink and write, and I often do while my sober self is less productive. Now I have to ask myself at this point in my mid-30s, where are the publications? Where are the books? I have one co-authorship on a publication in an economics journal.
Was this ‘Mark Twain’ syndrom a lie that I told myself to continue drinking? As for Mark Twain and other writers who were infamous drinkers, were they brilliant because of or in spite of their drinking? Does the same hold for other drug use like pot smoking?
My personal thoughts are that any drug, whether it be alcohol or methanphetamine, gives its primary benefits near the start of use, but when an addiction starts to develop the creative potential of the drug drowns in just desire for the drug. Some people are apparently able to keep themselves in the state of "desire for the drug" which they are able to harness for creativity, but I have come to think the more likely outcome of the drug use is addiction and waste of creative potential.

47F, never married, no kids, US-based. Been on Salt for a few months now. I Expected only long distance options (small pool, first challenge but oh well). Surprisingly, many of the men seem to be holding out for someone fairly local (lopsided geographic expectations, challenge #2).
Mostly because I'm afraid of getting accidentally overwhelmed with people to talk to (might be a ridiculous concern), I only match with those Im potentially attracted to (though hard to tell from 2 pics) from among those who liked me first.
Then, I wait and respond only to whoever initiates contact. (I try to remember to thank them for reaching out.) Bonus points if they send an intro. Most unsolicited intros are from romantic nonstarters/zero mutual attraction, but there are exceptions.
Other challenges: - maybe they never send that first message - might abruptly halt messaging mid-conversation (ghosting) - some chat at a strange pace, maybe 2 weeks between texts - one was blatantly pervy and i had to unmatch - one said something very weird, that he worked for an intelligence agency (i still tried keeping in touch, but he also ghosted.) - I posted previously about another who said he loved me - The list goes on
Moved off platform with two. First one was 16 yrs younger. I thought the age gap might not be too extreme, but I wasnt sure. In any case, we experienced some hiccups and mutually decided it was only platonic/not to even be in regular communication.
The next (Brazilian), unfortunately is 23 years younger, but I am open to platonic. He wants to practice his English and is truly a wonderful person, so I keep in touch and plan to continue to do so. As a friend, only.
One match (24 years younger) lives only a 3 hour drive away. We have flirted with the idea of actually meeting at least once in person.
My goodness, then this past weekend, one who is 26(!?) years younger got me right in the feels, suggesting an age-gap relationship (didnt mind the long distance). I cannot explain how respectful and exquisite and all-around perfect he seems. But that is so insane, a 26 year gap. I kind of want to try, but the gap just seems silly.
Today, one Canadian man 10 years older who I matched with is messaging, so I'll see where that goes. I just want to go wherever God leads me, even if it means staying single forever.
Would you say my online dating experience is going well? Or should I do things differently, like start aggressively looking and liking more men's profiles? Should I initiate conversations and don't worry about accidentally getting overwhelmed with people to message? Maybe stop entertaining the possibility of making any platonic friendships from a dating app? Just curious about outside perspectives.

Hey people. I wanted to share my long ass story about how nitrous used to be one of my most favorite things in the world and now my relationship with it is complicated and twisted.
A lot of this will tackle interpersonal relationship dynamics, but I’m trying to illustrate to the reader the progression of how this drug took my ex’s mind. This is more of a thorough essay about my experience than a rant. When I was going through what I went through at the time, I wished there was a story like this out there to help me know better and understand. This is how I watched the love of my life melt away his brain on this drug.
I will try and keep this brief, but it probably won't be. I wish to convey the addictiveness this drug can have and the toll it can take on your mind and body. In the summer of 2022 I met my then bf who introduced me to the rave scene and drug scene he was a part of. He really only used K and Nitrous (which I will refer to as N going forward). He told me about his 1.5 years of being addicted to K, but did not inform me of his also 1.5 years (at the time) addiction to N. He told me after meeting me he didn’t want to abuse K anymore so as far as I knew when we started dating he got better about that.
It all started very early in the relationship. We went to a weekend festival together and both found doing N together was so fun. We continued on using and abusing N every weekend, and sometimes many weekdays. Probably going through 6 or 8+ tanks a week, this went on for like 3 months. Sadly, I do look back on those days fondly, despite what would happen later down the line. We had so much fun together and yes sadly it bonded us in this weird way. Using it causes you to feel more open and positive in the beginning, and we had so many heartfelt and deep conversations. And it felt like a little special world we could go into together.
At the time I had no clue how much those small-medium sized tanks cost ($65 and up for just one where we live). And he never told me how much they cost, and didn’t ask me to chip in, so I had no idea he was throwing himself into financial ruin buying them all the time. Looking back I have no idea why I didn’t ask, I just figured they were only $25 or something, or his friend was giving them to him, and I was aware it was probably a poor financial decision, but figured he could bounce back after the summer. You have to understand I thought I had him figured out, but I didn’t really know him that well at this point, or know about the drug scene at all. Before this I really only drank and smoked weed with the occasional cid or shrooms trip.
Three months into us dating and abusing N we come to the conclusion we just need to stop and take a break from N as this had all become quite excessive. Still he doesn’t explain to me how much debt he is in from buying all of those tanks over the summer. Two months into the break and he’s starting to crack, asking for me to be okay with us using it regularly. I tell him that I think it’s okay for us to just do it once and awhile. It was hard to not cave in because truthfully I missed it as well, I myself was starting to feel the addictiveness of this drug, so I reserved it so that I only ever did it with him. We go back to doing it occasionally on the weekends. Over the span of 1 month my bf started to constantly complain of having nerve issues, his feet and legs and hands were numb, I also noticed that he seemed really depressed. This is when he started to experience the vitamin B deficiency, although both me and him didn’t realize this at the time.
Around this time is when he finally and unceremoniously reveals to me how much these things actually cost. This is the tricky aspect of his personality I would go on to experience more of. It was clear he was resentful towards me, that I had no idea how much money he was spending, but the reality is if I had known how much those things cost I would have ended it a lot sooner. I didn’t even understand how he had the ability to spend so much money, I don’t even want to do the math. I would find out later he would just take out credit cards and max them out. In addition to him doing them with me occasionally, he was also doing them behind my back, which I had caught him doing several times and was always forgiving over this.
So, because of this constant spending he was in a substantial amount of debt. What he told me at the time was around $6,000. Knowing him, this was probably a generous assessment. This is definitely a point in the story where I should have left him. Clearly he was developing this addiction towards N and spent an ungodly amount of money that was beyond even my comprehension. But, I was head over heels and believed that he could figure this out. People go into debt all the time, I would tell myself. But I told him, this all needed to outright stop. No more N, not even occasionally. Unfortunately while he of course agreed to my face I have to suspect now, he was doing it behind my back all the time. Around this time he wouldn’t come home from work until 7 or 7:30 which didn’t make sense as his hours at work would fluctuate from time to time, but he was usually always off at 5. He would lie and say his work was very busy and made him stay later, which I believed at the time.
Maybe about a month later we are in bed together sleeping, it’s the middle of the night. He wakes me up and explains he literally cannot feel his feet or legs and has been having trouble walking for the past several days. I take him to the ER that night. This night and the following weeks after were some of the most heartbreaking and emotionally terrifying times of my life so far. At this time neither of us had any idea or reason to suspect N was the reason for this. We actually talked to the doctor there and ran tests for over 3 hours, he got an MRI and a spinal tap which was so hard to watch being done to him. It wasn’t until I desperately did research on my phone in the hospital room and suddenly see all of these remarks and reddit posts and studies about N causing paralysis and nerve damage. I tell my bf and the doctor and they have no trouble assessing that is what is causing this. They give him a regiment of vitamin B shots as you typically do in this situation. The doctor even said that they hope they can stop permanent damage from happening, because if not he may lose control of his legs and it may spread to his pelvic area (IE dick don’t work) etc, he had to do physical therapy and see a drug counselor.
The following days and weeks after I was constantly on edge worrying and wondering if my bf and love of my life would lose his ability to walk. Thankfully, the treatment took and he didn’t even end up needing physical therapy. This is when I truly believe or would like to hope he actually quit and wasn’t doing N behind my back. Unfortunately it wouldn’t matter, as I’ve learned, a lot of symptoms of N abuse don’t show themselves until after you stop. Shortly after this event is when our relationship took a nosedive. He had also ditched the drug counselor. To compensate for no N he was drinking so often. He started to become aggressive and violent. I remember it all started in a fight where he got real close and in my face and stared me down to try and intimidate me. In a way it was both terrifying and laughable (because he’s only a few inches taller than me), I couldn’t even comprehend the kind of person he had turned into. After that came the months and months of never ending name calling, insults, degradation, and constant arguments over every little thing I did. He became so addicted to the high of his power trip of making me feel small and weak he would find any excuse to fly into a rage at me, even when we were tripping on mushrooms together.
Nothing was ever the same after that. We didn’t go out, didn’t do dates, and every activity together felt like it was all a big chore to him. I could look in his eyes and see he was constantly thinking about N, and when he would do it next. He really changed, and what I am now realizing is he was probably starting to experience the effects of pure brain damage. My close friends who knew him even agree with me that there is a huge change in his demeanor around this time in April of 2023.
I also want to add more info about his bizarre behavior. He started to develop an unhealthy obsession with social media, scrutinizing what I posted and what he posted. He started to obsess over current events of any kind, any breaking story or ongoing conflict and he would rant and rant about the current state of the world and destruction of humanity all the time. He started to get obsessed with mental health and psychology and pathologize me and himself and other people in our lives. He would send me 10 videos everyday about mental health and relationships and expect me to reply and have a response for every single one like a book report. This obsession with the destruction of humanity turned into a paranoia about the world, he would often say no one understands him, and he is all alone. He turned on his best friends of several years because he was paranoid they were racists or had bad morals (they were all pleasant and nice people who enjoy edgy humor from time to time). There was no more middle ground for anything, you either loved something fully, or hated it fully. Somewhere down the line he actually got his account banned on Instagram for the craziest reason. He couldn’t stop or control himself from having heated arguments with random strangers in comments sections, of almost any video of any topic. He would insult people there constantly.
Here is another big mistake I made.I allowed him to live with me, and we moved in together. At this point we had been dating for a year. Before this I lived on my own and didn’t want to renew my lease, and he was living with his dad who was abusive and financially took advantage of him. At the time I was convinced that this bad behavior would go away if he could get away from his dad and his toxic household. Well the toxicity only followed. That summer we went to another weekend festival and he revealed to me when we got there he had purchased N and brought it. I was so conflicted as I myself had missed it quite a lot, and I had to deny myself my healthy regulated usage of it in order to not trigger him. I caved again and said we could do it only for this weekend. You may not at all be surprised to learn it didn’t end that way.
After the festival everything truly fell apart. He continued to buy tanks of N and do them behind my back constantly. He would say he was just going to his car to talk to his friends, or his mom, and be gone for hours. Because he was totally abusing me and I had no idea because I was under his spell of manipulation, I had no recourse. Any comment of mine asking why he was gone for so long, why can’t he just talk to his friends inside our apartment, I’ll go in the other room for privacy, was only met with complete indifference. These questions only pissed him off. He would say it’s because I was so exhausting and demanding he needed a break from me. When I would call him when he’s on one of these “excursions,” he would every so often mute the call while I was talking or in a silent moment. I eventually realized he was hitting the tank every time he muted himself. When I finally called him out on this he gaslit me and told me he just does this all the time because he coughs and clears his throat, fyi he had never done this before in our relationship. Because I had no recourse I just had to agree and move on. And because his mind was deteriorating more and more each day he would go on to make randomly muting himself in calls as a common, thing so as to keep up the facade he told me. Actual crazy behavior.
He even started doing K again, he would clearly be f-ed out of his mind by both K and N, and stumble around our apartment with crazy red bulging eyes and again and again tell me he was just drunk. Around this time is when he finally divulges to me not only had he been abusing K for the 1.5 years before he met me, he had also been abusing N for 1.5 years before he met me. And it wasn’t actually the case that he only “began” to become addicted to N when we started dating and doing it together. This really started to put a lot into perspective for me, and it made sense how he had almost paralyzed himself over this, now at this current time 3+ year addiction to these substances, and it made me realize how psychologically and cognitively he was failing based on changes in his personality. You also have to understand he explained to me before he met me, he was doing 1.5-2 grams of K or more and N, EVERYDAY.
And still at this time the name calling, insults and manipulation continued. He of course was no longer experiencing any true “high” from the N anymore, it would just simply dull his senses. It was like a stereotypical violent alcoholic husband comes home from the bar and berates his wife, kind of situation, except with N. And I became obsessed with figuring out how to get him to stop and go back to the loving person I remembered meeting and loving. I began to do very toxic things, going through his backpack, going through his car, and constantly always finding tanks and balloons and all kinds of paraphilia everywhere. I would find tanks in our recycling bin, like he actually thought I wouldn’t notice. I would come home late from being with friends and catch him passed out on the couch with an empty tank in his hand. He couldn't be left alone anymore. If he wasn’t with me, 100% of the time he was sitting in his car doing N. At this point in time there was no forgiveness, I was completely broken. I would yell and scream at him or wake him up and demand he stop and choose me or the drugs, all terrible things to be doing. I know that.
Eventually it got so bad I felt I had no other recourse other than to call and inform his mother of his behavior and what he had been doing all this time. Me doing this is probably what saved his life, as there was never anyway I was going to get through to him myself. But it did not save his mental health. Even having his mother involved didn’t stop any of it. He still went out and bought it behind my back like nothing happened. Another painful painful aspect of how his personality had changed is he would constantly have crazy back and forth mood swings, one minute showing me the sweet man I had fallen in love with, thanking me and praising me for having stepped in and put a stop to this, the next minute he hated me and I was the worst thing in his life and I could never tell what was even real anymore.
But did I leave, oh no, that would have been the smart thing to do.Instead at the time I was seeing a therapist who also specializes in couples therapy. I get us started with counseling and during our second session he gets called out by my therapist and yells and screams and berates her, it was actually insane. That is when things really ended between us. He moved out and moved into his moms apartment 30 minutes away that night. Even though the breakup was traumatizing and painful I still had hope that even if he isn’t with me, now he will receive help from his mother. Well, she didn’t place him in any special drug counselor program or rehab, she just severely cut off his finances so that he could pay off his debts, which she had bought back from several banks so it would not gain more and more interest. I do believe now his debt may be somewhere in the $10,000-$20,000 range. So now he, as an almost 30 year old man, needs to ask his mother in order to buy or purchase anything. Somehow, despite all of this I would learn he was continuing to do N and K.
Amazingly, we still tried briefly to even make our relationship work after he moved out. At this point he has mastered the art of manipulation and being fake, and convinced me he was getting better, he had even started to look better too, but he was still up to his old BS. He came over to the apartment once for us to have a mini date. Because he went on and on about how he was getting more and more into walks he said he was going to take a quick stroll around the block to get some fresh air. Well a quick stroll turns into 30 minutes, and I start to notice his car is gone from our street. I call him and he says now he is sitting in his car talking to his mom, I tell him I don’t see his car and it’s been a long time, he clearly had left to buy N. He becomes irate and claims he simply moved his car down the block for “reasons” and I was in the wrong for being accusatory and not trusting him. P.S. I went down the block and he just was not there. This guy is either absolutely crazy or thinks I’m some kind of imbecile, or both. It basically ended from there.
We tried to be civil, but he cannot control himself from completely going ballistic on me anymore, or his mother. And it is so painful when he is remorseful and doesn’t remember all the things he said to me. At this point I have had to realize I am basically talking to and trying to reason with a mentally disabled person. The fun loving, easy going, creative, altruistic, thoughtful, smart and attentive man I met doesn’t exist anymore, and I don’t think he will ever come back. All that remains is the shell of a confused and angry person.
Some small things to address, how it came to be that he abused these drugs all the time before he met me is because his best friend was a drug dealer and in the beginning would give him all of these things for free. Once he was hooked and doing it everyday it seemed he would stop at no end to spend money and buy them. Yes K was definitely a contributor into his mild psychosis but I still think it would have happened even from the N abuse alone, based on research I’ve been doing lately. And yes I have to admit I think he had bad and malignant psychological traits before abusing drugs, and doing that made it all worse.
So that is the story of how I watched this man ruin his life, and scare away maybe the only person who could withstand experiencing all of his BS and still wanted to love and help him. There are SO MANY things I too should have done differently. There is also an age gap between us of 3 years, so I naively thought he had a better handle on his life than he really did. I do find it hard to understand how people can be so addicted at times, but in the end like my ex, everyone is trying to chase some kind of feeling or experience that came with it, rather than the drug itself.
Thank you for reading if you made it to the end.
TLDR: Two years ago I started dating a guy who wasn’t honest with me about his 1.5 years of Nitrous abuse before we started dating. He was a sweet and honest and caring man when I met him. Sadly most of our relationship was spent on doing lots of Nitrous together. He eventually developed health problems like a vitamin B deficiency and even almost got paralysis and permanent nerve damage, which was hard for me to watch and witness. His health issues didn’t deter him away from Nitrous and he was constantly buying tanks and doing it behind my back. The more he abused Nitrous the more abusive towards me he became as a person. Our relationship crumbled and not even getting his mom involved helped. He was also clearly experiencing psychosis and mental deterioration. We broke up because he yelled and screamed at my therapist and he had to move in with his mom. Moving in with his mom didn’t stop his addiction even though she cut off his finances.
Even when we tried to make the relationship work he still abused it anyway. I would now consider him a mentally disabled person and I don’t recognize who he even is anymore after 3+ years of abusing Nitrous almost everyday. Please use Nitrous responsibly or don't at all.

I have been really confused for a while now. I used to think I was just bi but for the longest time I have felt different. Not really feeling like a man but not a woman. Then over the past few months I have been wanting to present more fem and dress up. I really want to, but I am still living with my parents due to financial reasons. I am positive that they would be cool with it, but I have extreme aversion to confrontation, and I don't even want to tell anyone. No one even knows that I'm bi and I am afraid to tell anyone. I am also trying to lose weight as a means to look more fem, but I have not hit my goal of 180 yet (currently at 235). I sit at work on my down time and end up getting really depressed and regressing inward thinking about how I am not able to dress up and how I'm not at my weight goal. My coworkers notice but I just pass it off because they are extremely homophobic. I just feel so confused and lost because I don't feel as if I can explore myself and find out if I am trans or I am just wanting to present as fem. Should I just save up and move out asap, or should I come clean?