Most depressing facebook quotes

I (27F) last last winter (2022) wrote a long letter to my mom. I poured my heart into it, I cried the whole time writing it. I showed it to my husband to make sure I wasn’t being too mean in my writing towards my mom. I showed it to my stepsister to again make sure it was okay and made sense and to get emotional support (I’m Mexican and I didn’t want to push too far because i understand how deep generational trauma is and the parent child dynamic) I even showed it to my stepdad who immediately called me apologizing for the things I wrote in the letter (which I will get into in a moment) and was telling me about how he will divorce her (I didn’t want that and made me feel shitty) and explained why some scenarios ended up the way they did. Everyone encouraged me to send it. I was so confident that my mom was going to read it and drive over ? Write back? Call me. Something ! So I mailed it. (I mailed it because I instantly cry every time I try talking to her in person about not surface level things, it would of been easier getting words out especially when having to translate to Spanish)
In the letter I wrote about:
-Feeling emotionally neglected -the name calling my mom would do (calling me “retarded” and mimicking noises and movements of people with disability towards me among other things -My uncle being a pedo and scaring me into not saying anything to them, i later said something to a friend in HS who went to the counselor who called the police and I made up a person to protect my uncle, I was then grounded for over a year. -the carpet in my bedroom always being wet when it rained which is a lot where I live ruining my feet with a fungal infection that was just ignored (i understand it was a money issue but the hurt remains) -being yelled at for not cleaning everyday (I was the only child who would clean the kitchen and pick up leaves in the fall and stuff), sometimes she would clean again after I would do it. when asking to teach me how to do it better I would be ignored -asking her a question and being ignored -being blamed for high utility bills n being expensive for needing braces -my boyfriend in high school being suicidal when I would try to break up with him and hurting that I couldn’t go to them for help -saying that I tried to hit her to my step dad when I moved out of the way of her too quickly and making a scene about it leaving me confused -about the time she grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the shower because I forgot to pick up the hairs I left in there after my shower -understanding that i understand she probably had a rough childhood and that all I wanted was a normal mother daughter relationship
That’s pretty much the gist among a bunch of other little things that really hurt me and I explained that it was hard to form a relationship with her in my adulthood and trust her with my kids until we addressed these things. I wanted to be acknowledged. Not even an apology really. But a conversation. I wanted to understand her more because I literally don’t know anything about her. We would never talk unless it was to eat dinner or clean something. I was always in my room during that time.
I waited a few weeks, my stepsister would visit them here and there and tell me how my mom appears sad? And maybe she needed more time.
A few months pass by I see my mom smiling in Hawaii having a good time.
At this point I’m in therapy because I’m losing hair from the stress of this and severely depressed.
Fall comes around and I finally go to visit with the encouragement of my husband, stepsister and stepdad. She acts like I’m not even there. This makes me angry. At one point my mom goes outside to smoke a cigarette im at the table with everyone and I start just talking about the hurts again, I say my mom is a narcissistic. My mom comes back inside. And for an hour. I’m complaining and she’s in the living room a few feet away saying absolutely nothing.
I leave feeling so weird. So lonely? We are now I’m 2024. I don’t have a relationship with her or my step dad really. I had to block her because she would go to Hawaii again and just living her life having a great time I was trying not to be bitter. Or angry. My step sister and step dad eventually started to question how legitimate my statements were (a lot of the meanness was when it was just my mom and I) it was so painful being misunderstood. Being told that that’s just the mom that I have. Being told that things were maybe my fault for having a problem with everything (I would always speak up when my parents would be racist and things)
I few months ago I did send her a text as a final effort. I asked why she never responded. If she wants to just leave this alone that’s okay and I will move on. And she told me that all that was on the letter were complaints. And told me about how when I was 20 I made a comment on a Facebook post about bad parenting and how everyone saw. About how embarrassed she was when people reached out to her. About how I wrote that I felt like I was in a dark environment. I didn’t know everyone saw it. I apologized for that. She told me to come over to talk because she personally has some complains about me. But she never acknowledged me. I didn’t want to go, to feel yelled at and again taken back to being a child getting yelled at.
I’m currently feeling grief. Mistrust to my family. Lonely. Jealous? About how my other siblings seem to be having a better time. How do I move on from feeling misunderstood. I feel like everyone is okay and I’m abandoned. I feel guilt for pulling my small family away from them from how hurt I am. Most times I’m okay until I see my stepsister at a family gathering that I’m never invited to. And then I’m back again to being a lonely child.

I will try to write it not too long, but I have too. As someone who is mentally ill, I was trying to find out what is wrong with me, changing medications...but I can see now that I'm not depressed, just sad. And telling it may help me, even if no one will read it. But even I can't tell everything, it's interesting story.
We were almost for 3 years in ldr (37F&M). I was never lucky in love, never could be with someone I loved, even they loved me too. Became a single mother (after 15 years he is crying how stupid he was). I got even married, I was pregnant and quite happy, I tried to make it work, but nothing in the marriage wasn't working. We didn't have anything in common, sex few times a year, then nothing. When I was 34, I was fine and satisfied. I had a great job, good money, looked great, 2 amazing children, accepted that I had to divorce and that I will stay alone because of my previous experinces.
Soon, I met a guy in a facebook group. We just started talking, he seemed to be much younger, so I was relaxed. But we had always a lot to talk about, soon spending whole nights talking. It took few months, until we had realized we felt in love. I was damaged from previous relationships, didn't trust anyone, didn't beleive in love. I was trying to run from it, but it wasn't possible. During the time, I'd found a lot about him, we was using profile of someone else, had very hard childhood (he is from poorer country than me), did bad things as young, had to leave the country to save his life. So much damaged. This caused a lot of hard fights between us of course, but we were able to get over it. And it was going better by the time when many things got clear, we were able to trust each other. Every free moment, we were talking. Often whole nights. We had the same plans for future, the same opinions, we could talk nonstop without being bored. And planned our future together even it was difficult. We met in person after two years and it was amazing. We were like happy married couple. He was so caring for me, so much in love. Even we had such strong desire for each other (and had the same intimate preferences, which was huge win for me), we spent a lot of time walking, drinking and talking for whole nights. And after few days, I had an incident, I broke few bones. I was in terrible pain, but still joking, but he was so scared and shaking, taking all care for me, carrying my handbag in hospital, taking care for everything. We were first time together and for few days when it happened. Many men would be annoyed by this, many wouldn't help so much. I saw that this man was really a treasure.
When I had to leave, it was heartbreaking for us both. I thought I would be able to visit him soon again. But it wasn't possible. He lives in a poor country, not able to go abroad. And I lost my job. I had enough money for long time, but not to travel abroad. I got more depressed, because even as a top qualified, I couldn't find a new job. I still had to live in my ex hb's apartment (I can't move outside the city because of children now). Started drinking too much. But we were going through this all together. Getting rid of alcohol addiction together.
Someone could ask, I had several plans how to do it future. Everything legally, considering my children. There's a solution for everything. I loved him so much and he proved me his incredible love to so many times. But recently, he started to be really desperate. So much missing me. Sometimes begging me to do crazy things like to take children and go to him. But I couldn't do it of course. He wanted me to come to him in certain time soon, but I didn't know if it would be possible. He offered to pay for me and there I may made a mistake, I refused, I wanted to have my own money. I told him it wouldn't be possible probably. I was trying to find a solution, but I couldn't promise anything.
We were still be so in loved and devoted to each other. I don't care about the circumstances and his past, because he had such good heart and loved me so much. He was the first one who told me "I love you" and I could tell him the same. He was such an amazing partner, worth all the effort. He was Orthodox, I'm baptised. But I planned to do it because he wanted to have a wedding in a church and I liked this church. We were even talking about it just few day before we spent night talking, drunk, he was finally able to talk about his pain from his previous life. And suddenly he told me he wanted be a muslim. He find the love of Allah. And how he is the most and like this. I didn't expect it, I was stunned, angry when he was talking that Allah was the most important for him. It was always me. We got in fight. Nothing extraordinary, but the next day I day a very difficult time. I told him sorry for my bad words. I had extremely difficult the whole week, one of most difficult in my life. And he didn't talk to me at all. I needed him, he was the closest person for me. After the week, I tried to talk to him. And it was a disaster. I got a lecture how I was disrespectful to his God (actually not to his God, but to him), he was so awful, arrogant and sniffy. Talked like an ISIS member. It got better in the next days. I saw still love to me in him. I was trying to get used to it, that he became a Muslim, but I didn't want it had any effect on our relationship and future family life. I didn't want to leave him. We had good days, bad days. But it couldn't work. He was still going to be such an arrogant awful person. I tried to be nice to him, but he was behaving like I was annoying him. He isn't the person I loved anymore. He was always loving, with good heart, devoted to me. It was enough for me. But this person doesn't exist anymore. I miss him so much, our love, his smile, his voice, talking with him. He was planning to ask me to marry him this summer. It would be the most beautiful time in my life, I had been dreaming about it, a man I love would ask me to marry him. I miss his face and smile. I saw him last time 3 weeks ago. I miss everything. Him, his and our love. Our time spent together even for long distance. Our future. I lost everything.
I know this person I loved doesn't exist anymore. He is still drinking, doing crazy stuff. But Allah is more worth than me. He showed that I was annoying to him. It's not the person I knew. It's someone totally else. I miss him so much. I know he doesn't exist anymore. But I'm still so sad and desperate for my love.

its like 9 am for me rn woke up at 6, got a healhy 4 hours of sleep. anyways i kinda just wanted to talk about something rq about i pretty much have lost most of my friends over the past years since i got out of highschool. they had it coming, snake ass mfs wanted to ditch one of our friends dispute him being there for us through thick and thin. anyways i kinda used to be a incel? i guess i wasnt like a neo nazi or anything i was just a loser playing hoi4 and minecraft all day. in november i got into the gym which is nice, spend less time now at home speaking of which is often. I cant find a job anywere, and im going to have to likely go to work with my dad in the summer which isnt bad just alot of work but also a alot of money. i have dreams, most of which are going into the financial sector, as you can see my grammer and spelling is just really fucking bad, no idea why im 18m btw and it looks like a 9 year old. i saw this quote a few days ago saying "live your life like your father was dead" on real note this hits 2 cords the first one being a kinda love it, and i wouldnt wanna face him after i failed at something he told me not to do. one the 2nd cord being that he one day may die, he drinks like 4 beers a day used to be way more, his brother died at like 60ish? idk that was when i was in 6th grade, on top of that he has told me many times he is going to die. i feel like hes depressed since im not doing well in life. my mom is kinda diffrent, i will always respect her but shes kinda just stupid, and with that cant see that shes wrong. as i have got older i have realized every "bad" thing shes done she was just acting out of anger or just didnt understand. my sisters one doesnt matter, i will never talk to her again, the other is wonderful, good future she helps me out alot with school stuff and i really wish she does well for me and she wishs well for me aswell. shes not around much anymore as shes busy with school i cant blame her shes not my mom anyways. in the way of friends i mostly just chill with my true og ill call t, t was the one i talked about before, i also chill quite alot with one of my cousins. to make it worse canada kinda been in a economic rut since 2020, house prices have skyrocked over the last 10 year in this area from what was 500k for one to 1.4 million over the last 15 years or so. girls are kinda weird to me, i dont really like them per say, i have never had a crush on one in my entire life, from what im guessing some have had a crush on me, im not really unattractive anymore. im built alot better and am fairly tall at like 6'1, i just dont form a crush. i think i might also post this on trueoffmychest

Hello! I'm looking for some advice/your insight. Here's my dilemma:
Main idea: how to get rid of my many things
Option 1 - I have an estate sale. A local highly rated business owner came over and looked at my items and quoted me to make about 5-7k if I were to have an estate sale. This estate sale that she can run would have to happen next weekend when I'm already scheduled to be in Florida, so it would happen with me not in the area (which makes me nervous). The lady said she will draft a contract which I haven't seen yet. She takes 35% of the total purchases and itemizes the big items I have for sale only. She would hire people to help with the sale, averaging $15 p/h, which we would split the cost for. She can haul anything that doesn't sale for extra $. This would also mean I have to board my dogs or rent an airbnb for the 3 days of the sale (thur-sat) so they are out of the house. The house would sit empty when the sale is not happening.
Option 2 - I sell everything myself for cheap/in bundles on Facebook marketplace. I listed about 5 things so far (small items) and about 50% has sold within a day. I would make far less money this way and would donate more (most likely) but I do have 2.5 weeks to sell things.
Option 3 - I would do my own yard sale or estate sale, but I don't have any help, so I would have to reach out and see if I can pay people to help.
Thoughts y'all? Open to any ideas

So, I'm not entirely sure what my goal is with this post. One thing I know for certain is that it will be very long, and probably sort of jumbled and frantic, more stream of consciousness than anything. I guess I just sort of wanted to share some of the important realizations I've had in recent months, and see if: 1. Other people think that they're fair or "correct" realizations, and I'm not becoming, like, delusional or something. 2. Maybe my sharing these perspectives will help or inspire someone else who has struggled in ways similar to me.
So, here's the basic background of things. I've always been a really reserved and quiet person, ever since I was a little kid. Add in being skinny and nerdy for most of my life, and maxing out at a height of 5'9", and I'm not exactly a hot product for the average girl my age (19, turning 20 in a few weeks). In fact, I'd never had a relationship until this past year in college, but I'll get more into that in a minute. Hell, I hadn't had so much as a first kiss until this past year, either.
And, at the beginning of this past school year, being my second year of college (as a commuter student, so socializing is pretty difficult), I began to really get down on myself for having never been in a relationship, never kissed a girl, being a virgin, etc. It started to really take a toll on my mental health, because I believed that there was something intrinsically wrong and unlovable about me. Whereas a lot of young men who struggle socially romantically seem to be directing their sadness, frustration, and anger outward toward the world, especially toward women, I instead found myself directing those feeling toward myself. I was convinced that, on a basic level, there was some vital component to who I am as a person that disqualifies me from being worthy of love or affection. After all, that's what 19 years of evidence suggest, right?
Looking back, I think a large component in this was how I had been struggling, and still struggle to a degree, with my identity as a young man. I'm naturally a pretty progressive person, and I make an effort to be open to the perspectives of other groups and listen to their stories. Unfortunately, as we all know, a lot of people have been harmed by the men in their lives. And I know, I know: if I'm not doing anything wrong myself, then I shouldn't take any of these stories personally.But I guess, given the poor mental state that I was already in, I took it as validation that there was in fact something intrinsically wrong about me, and that thing was being a man. I started to avoid people on the street, especially if they were a woman or presented as feminine. At work, I avoid going anywhere near female customers, out of fear of making them uncomfortable. I'd keep my head down walking from class to class on campus, worried that I might make someone uneasy with my gaze. It wasn't that I thought I was a threat; in fact, I knew that I was not. But I also knew that the people around me didn't know that. In their eyes, maybe they have to assume that I'm a creep or that I'm a dangerous type of man. And it hurt to realize that, and I realize now, like I said, that I took it as validation that there was something intrinsically wrong with me.
Due to that, as well as other factors, such as stress and exhaustion from overworking (I'm a full-time student and work about 30 hours a week, which is a lot for me, might not be for others, I admit), I experienced some of the worst periods of depression I've ever had, since being diagnosed with it and anxiety in 2021. I tried going to therapy. I went to a few sessions, then gradually started missing more and more due to a lack of time, until my therapist cancelled all of our scheduled future sessions. It was on me. I wasn't committed.
I lost my passion for my hobbies and interests, like creative writing, which had previously been an important emotional outlet for me. A lot of nights would be spent lying in bed, listening to a playlist filled with sad music and hugging a pillow, wishing it was someone who loved me in the way that I thought, or hoped, love would work.
At the behest of my friends, to whom I only presented my issues as being a little down about never having been in a relationship, I started messing around with dating apps. At first, I felt good about making some sort of effort to put myself out there. Like I said, I've always been insanely reserved, so doing something like making a dating profile felt like an accomplishment. Of course, nothing much came of it. Over the five or so months that I was on the app, I maxed out at about six likes on my profile, and only matched with two people.
But one of those two people was a girl who went to the same college as me, and we seemed to have a lot of interests in common. And I mean a lot. To the point that it was almost comical. Of course, I realize now that having some hobbies in common isn't enough to form a good relationship with someone, but I realize now that I was just desperate for someone who I could convince myself halfway-tolerated me. She and I started to go out, and after a while, we decided to make things "official." My first kiss. My first relationship. My first girlfriend.
It lasted for only a few months. After a while, something felt off. I wasn't as excited to see her as I had been before. It was hard for us to make time for each other, between my working and her being involved in extracurricular stuff around campus. Car rides and dates began to be filled with longer and more frequent stretches of awkward silence, as I tried to think of something to say or talk about, only to come up empty-handed. As we got to know each other better, I realized that we didn't have as much in common as I first thought. She was a little more conservative, not necessarily in a political sense, but more in terms of "status", if that makes sense. I learned that financial success was very important to her parents, and I could tell that it was important to her, too. She avoided telling her parents that I was an English major, instead opting to tell them that I was getting a degree in computer science, as that was my minor at the time. It seemed to me that the status of a relationship was more important to her than the quality of the relationship (pot calling the kettle black, yes, I realize). For example, there was a dance on campus that she wanted to go to, pretty much just to take pictures of the two of us together so she could show them to friends and family. But as for the dance itself, it was more of the same that had been happening before: awkward silence, short conversations, lots of looking around at anything other than each other.
After a while, I decided that, for both of our sakes, I needed to break things off. I didn't want to waste her time when I knew that my heart wasn't in it anymore. So, at the beginning of April, I drove over to her dorm, and we talked it over in my car for a while. At the end, we hugged one last time, and I haven't seen her since.
I think a key component in the decision I made is the fact that I reconnected with some old friends from high school, who are still local, even though they are going to another university. Over Christmas break, I hung out with them for the first time since the pandemic as, during that time, I ended up having a falling out with them over some dumb high school drama and political differences. To my surprise, they had changed a lot, and had managed to pull themselves out of the incel trajectory that I had seen them beginning to fall down during high school. They were kinder, more accepting people. My surprise was matched only by my pride in them. I had feared and assumed the worst of them, and I couldn't have been happier to be proven wrong. Since then, I've been invited back into their group chats, and I see them in-person with some regularity, when our schedules allow it.
I think having that connection made me feel more comfortable with the idea of being single again, and since the break up, I've been able to rely on them for support, laughs, and just feeling like I have somewhere I belong. Before, I found myself desperate for any kind of connection and fell into a cycle of denying myself that connection because I was convinced that, since it didn't just present itself, I wasn't worthy of it.
And maybe it has something to do with that, but on the drive home from my now-ex's dorm (though I still wonder if I should/could really call her an ex. Sure, we agreed to make things "official", but we still only dated for a few months), I felt my perspective on, well, at the risk of sounding over-dramatic or overly romantic, everything, being to change.
And I guess that's what the title of this post is about. The things I've begun to realize in the time leading up to and following that break-up.
Above all else, I've realized the importance of connection. If I didn't have a stable friend group again, I don't know where I'd be. Probably still in a stale relationship, clinging on and trying to convince myself that I'm not feeling the way that I'm feeling. I have people to talk with again, to confide in when I feel stressed or depressed. I go out and do things again, which I didn't realize I hadn't really done very much since the pandemic.
But I know that for a lot of people who are/were in the position I had been in, finding friends is difficult. If it weren't for my unique circumstances of being reunited with an old, estranged group of friends, I would absolutely be in the same position. I still really struggle with social anxiety, and talking to new people is a huge struggle for me. So, I've also had some realizations that don't have as much to do with the friendship side of things, and I hope that these can be of some use to people who also struggle with social anxiety.
I know that the idea of "working on yourself" is cliche and overused, so I won't frame it exactly like that. In my opinion, saying it like that makes it sound too daunting and tedious, and having been in those dark, dark places myself, I know that it was the last thing I wanted to hear. So, instead, I like to think of it this way. It's more like living in spite of your circumstances. Over the course of this past year, I essentially shut my life down, because I was so convinced that there was no point, because I felt that I knew that I would never be loved or accepted. Now, I feel an urge to go on living for myself, almost in direct spite of the fear that I may be forever alone. It's a fear that I still deal with, and who knows, maybe things will end up that way.
And, I suppose, that leads into my main realization, which is sort of an extension/restatement of the last one, now that I think about it. I now feel the desire to accumulate enough in my life, to reach a point where I am satisfied enough, that I can rest knowing that I will be okay, with or without a relationship. Before, my self-worth was almost entirely attached to my relationship status, and my lack of romantic experience. Now, I realize that a relationship can only come when I don't need it, or at least don't feel that I need it. Being a huge nerd and a writer, I think a lot about quotes from books, shows, movies, and games that have stuck with and there's one from God of War: Ragnarok that comes to mind here (by the way, I actually highly recommend playing or watching a playthrough of God of War 2018 and Ragnarok if you've struggled with masculinity in the same way I have, the music and cutscenes from those games have actually helped to pull me out of some mental spirals about my self-worth and identity as a man). It comes from a scene in which Kratos confronts his younger self, and is trying to decide if he is willing/ready to be a god again:
"Should I lose everything and everyone, will there still be enough left inside so that I do not become you? I do not know. But I have hope."
It's a quote that resonates with me now more than ever (even though it's from a DLC that just came out around Christmas, lol). I know now that I want to get to a place where there is enough left inside me that I know I'll never fall into that dark mental state again.
Something else that I've noticed has happened is the return of my passions for my hobbies and interests, especially for writing. I don't want to sound too arrogant, but I think I've begun to realize an important goal for my writing. If I'm lucky enough, I want to be able to write and release stories that explore masculinity and isolation, and, if I can, I want to create stories that can help guide other young men and boys who have struggled in the way I have and continue to do. I want to create characters who serve as positive male role models, who are emotionally strong, intelligent, and kind. I want to write stories of personal redemption, and show that no one is truly ever too far gone to be able to recover. If my writing could help even just one person who is struggling, then I would consider my career to be a success.
At the risk of being too cheesy, I'd like to end this very long-winded post with another quote, this one from a YouTube channel I recently discovered, and one I would highly recommend to just about anyone: Cinema Therapy. It's from their video about "A Silent Voice", which also happens to be one of my favorite movies, and one of my main inspirations when it comes to the kinds of stories I want to tell.
"Depression doesn't go away, doesn't lift for most people. But there's a capacity to feel again. There's a capacity to feel joy. The cure for so many things is connection. And we may think 'no one want to connect with me.' But we just need to find the right people."
I think the only thing I would add to that is that, in my opinion, the connection can also be with yourself.

Scene 1
You started your preparation around April 1.
You have spent several hours, if not days, accumulating resources which you plan to do. Seeing posts from different credible sources, you've carefully analyzed the general consensus on what would be the best way to preparing for JEE. You've always been proud of your ability to research things, after all.
But unfortunately you often find people contradicting each other. You're enjoying a teacher, but someone says this teacher is not enough for Advanced. You get scared and find a different teacher, but you don't like how the teacher is teaching and so on.. Maybe you currently finally found some good teachers, and are all set. You may change teachers in a week.
It is May 16 now. It has been one and a half month. Your chemistry and physics is going fine mostly, but you are slightly slacking off in Maths, but it is fine, since this is just the beginning, and you'll pull through eventually just like you did in every single class upto 10th.
There's a lot of people complaining about how people are wasting their 11th. Meh, such privileged twats, right? They had the situation entirely in their control, but they were simply lazy, and now have the AUDACITY to make such "Oh, woe is me!" posts on reddit, trying to get virtual sympathy to feel better as they most probably proceed to procrastinate again. You are probably sick of these posts.
Scene 2
It is November. Your physics is mostly going fine, but unfortunately you keep stumbling upon poorly phrased questions in JEE. You're slightly slacking off on maths and chemistry, but you'd eventually pull through, as you always did. Your marks on tests you've given till yet have been somewhat low, mostly because you haven't really been trying. They'd eventually get good though, so no worries.
You sympathize with the posts you criticized slightly more, but not much. You can atleast see how someone could potentially waste their 11th, but you have more self-control, so you won't. No need to worry.
You've realized that your initial plans of preparation were a bit too optimistic, but is fine, you've made them realistic now. If you shoot for the moon and miss, you'd still land among the stars, right? (Breaking the 4th wall but this quote makes no sense).
Scene 3
12th has started. You think your 11th was pretty weak, but is fine. One year is enough for preparation. After all, you recall the story of the one topper who only studied for 3 months and still got under 200 AIR in JEE advanced.
You think your performance in tests is great, considering you've only been using 30% of your power. But now you've realized that you need more raw hours in studying than searching for more resources. You already have enough resources, at last, though often you'd start one of them, think it is bad, and look for alternatives.
You will study atleast 8 hours everyday, and monitor weekly progess.
Scene 4
You've realised that habits that you spent the past 6 years building aren't that easy to break simply because you want to. You've realised you don't like studying, you like the idea of studying.
You've tried several ways to make you study, it simply doesn't work.
You're not addicted to instagram/reddit/youtube whatever. Even if you restrict everything you just get lost in thoughts. You're addicted to PROCRASTINATING. You're addicted to running away from anything that stresses you, because it makes you feel incompetent, even though all your past years you had been thinking otherwise.
You start to feel clueless about what do anymore, and think of those posts you saw earlier. Perhaps it is time to create one yourself.. After all it might temporarily make you feel better, as you're increasingly getting more depressed. ....
Okay, that's enough of that. You get the picture.
The point is, you're probably not special enough that you would be completely immune from something countless aspirants do. Realising this is the first step to avoiding being in this situation.
And here are some tips to avoid this:
No.
You don't need "tips". There are no secrets to get disciplined. Learning to do what you hate is an important skill, especially if you hate everything you're supposed to do and only enjoy things when you don't HAVE to do them.
And also, no. Reading this doesn't make you immune to wasting your 11th.
I wish you the best of luck.
..............

Hello fellow potatoes! And to the potato queen herself, girl, you're amazing!!! I just found your channel a few months ago, but I'm a huge fan. I don't have a lot of time for videos, but when I do get to watch, I watch yours.
Have I got a boomemil story for you! Let's go on an adventure...warning...I tell stories with rabbit holes and tangents. This is probably gonna be too long. I'm sorry!!!
So, the characters are me (40f), boomer MIL (64f BM for short, like bowel movement bc she's caca), my oldest son, (17m), and my church "mom" (65f CM for short).
A little background: BM thinks she's an awesome mom and grandma even though she's not. She uses my kids as facebook props to show off how "wonderful" she is. The only reason she was around my kids so often was because we went to the same church. She lived 10 minutes down the road from us, but could never be bothered to come over or have anything to do with any of us is if we didn't initiate. She has always said that if we ever try to threaten to keep our kids away from her, like if we were having a disagreement, that she would not fight to see them. We've never threatened to keep our kids from her, she just wanted us to know that she didn't give a sh!t to see her gandkids. So, that tells you right there, that she's a grandma when it's convenient for her.
She's of the boomer mentality that mental health issues are made up and aren't real. "You have nothing to be depressed about." "Just snap out if it." "Just be happy." You get the point. I struggle with depression, I always have. She doesn't understand or even try to understand and is the least empathetic person I've ever met.
When I get overwhelmed, I get depressed, and I start shutting down. My plate is overflowing right now. Between the end of the school year and the possibility of us moving states, I've been overwhelmed. My oldest is a senior and the last month of senior year is crazy busy. I have another child (11m) in public school and this is his last year of elementary school, so this has been an extremely busy month for him. I have 3 more kids that do online public school/homeschool. So, they're home all day with online classes, but since they're a public school, they have mandatory state testing just like regular public school. I have had to take them to do state testing on 4 different days overyhe last few weeks and the meeting place was 45 minutes from home, at a conference room in a mall. I also babysit 3 kids (1m, 4m, 4f), so hanging out for 4 to 5 hours a day on 4 different days with a shitload of kids at the f#cking mall was not easy. Not to mention the positions and "jobs" that I hold at church. To say I'm busy is an understatement.
We've been planning on moving for the last few months because a position at my husband's work is coming open near where he grew up, which is in another state. His parents recently moved back to their hometown after my FIL retired, so one reason for the move would be to be closer to them. They are getting older, so I would be taking care of them once they needed it, so moving closer seemed like a great option. Also, it's a lower COL area than we live in now. Currently we live in the metro area of a capital city and we would be moving to a middle of nowhere po'dunk town.
Told you, rabbit holes, thanks for still being with me!!!
And this is just the straw that broke the camel's back, this is not the only reason for my decision.
So, to the actual story...
Last week, I got a mother's day card in the mail from BM. She's a dollar tree card fanatic. It was a very typical card that she sends me. Nothing handwritten except for "love, grandma and grandpa." This is what she writes in all my cards. (Another tangent...last year my mom passed a month before mother's day and that actual mother's day was her and my dad's anniversary. And I had a super complicated relationship with my momster. So, it was an exceptionally hard day for me. The card she got me said "Daughter" in huge letters on the front. I thought it was so incredibly passive aggressive and completely inappropriate for that year. If it would've been any other year, it would've been fine. Also, she never gets me cards that just say "daughter" so, to me, it was a low blow.) (Yet another tangent...she does passive aggressive crap all the time, for instance when she used to do fb birthday posts, she would always ask me to send her a pic to post. I'm picky about what pics are used and she knows that. Last year, I sent her a great pic of me and her son to use. So, she used one from about 12 years ago that looked like absolute poop. It was a surprise pic, so like not even posed, stupid look on my face. No matter what pic I send, and usually send like 3, she uses a completely different one that doesn't even look good.) I got the card last Tuesday. Hubby happened to be talking to her while driving home from work that day, so when he got home, I thanked her for the card and just wanted to give her a heads up that I hadn't gotten a chance to mail hers yet because of everything I had going on. I kinda broke down and was sharing how I felt and she basically just said, "suck it up, it'll be fine." She's always been dismissive of my feelings, always.
So, my CM is the sweetest lady you'll ever meet. She listens to me, lets me share my feelings without being dismissive, and actually shows she cares. I see her twice weekly at church, and text with her during the week. Since BM has moved 8 moths ago, she has called or texted "just to talk or check in on us" less than a handful of times. She only calls/texts when she needs something or on a special occasion. She called my husband to ask about something, not just to talk. I understand now why the oldest grandson, my nephew, didn't even bother to invite her to his and his girlfriend's baby shower where he proposed. She thinks she's an amazing grandma bc she sends birthday money in a card and posts their pics on Facebook. And, she even stopped posting the kids birthday messages on fb bc she said it was "too much trouble." So, she just sticks to her 30 daily inspirational Bible quotes posts. She's the type that was so pissed off that both of her kids went with courthouse marriages instead of going into debt for a wedding because she didn't get to walk down the aisle at her kids' weddings and post pics on fb. She's mentioned this several times, but definitely wasn't even willing to spend a dime towards a wedding that no one wanted except her. She was also unwilling to take a day off work to go to the courthouse with us. With both of her kids' marriages, the kids and partners were together for a while and had kids before getting married, so spending tons of money on a huge wedding for either of us couples wouldn't have been the best way to spend money.
On mother's day, I gave my CM a card with a few lines written in it about how amazing she is and how I'm so grateful for her. I'm way closer to her than BM. CM is my chosen family and to me, your chosen family is the one that means more because you chose them, you didn't just get stuck with them. My blood family is incredibly toxic, so I stick with my chosen family. CM made a fb post with all that she got for mother's day. It was gifts and cards from her own children, and of course my card as well. CM & BM are fb friends, so of course BM saw it. Also, BM has everyone convinced she's this sweet, little old church lady, but she is far from it.
So, this Tuesday she got her cards in the mail. I always give her one from hubby and myself, and a separate one from our boys. I wrote a nice little note in it. Not long, a line or 2, but it was more effort than she put into my card. She sent me and hubby the following in a group text...
Copy and pasted, only edited out names.
"Got my cards in the mail today. 😭. They were post marked Saturday. You could of kept them til I got there or next year. It's like yall bought them Saturday, wrote a few words and rushed to get them to post office. My heart 💔broken. I thought I deserved better. I wish I could send pictures of my card verses [CM] 😩 card. I couldnt tell which gift was yours. But least I have a year to try do better and be worthy of such wonderful words of love and praise that was written to her.
I don't mean to complain or seem ungrateful but I wished you hadn't mailed them.😭😭. I can't explain how crushed I am.😔 Anyway hopefully I will see yall on the 20th."
Note: my oldest son is graduating on the 20th. She was supposed to drive down and spend the night with us to attend the graduation. I honestly believe she picked this fight because she doesn't want to drive the 6 hours down here.
If you "don't mean to complain or seem ungrateful" then why tf did you send it? I asked my husband what was his initial reaction and he said, "Really?!? All she had to do was say thanks."
So, after I talked to my husband and oldest son (I wanted to make sure everyone was on board with what I was saying before I sent it) , I sent her this response:
"I mailed them on Friday, I bought them several weeks ago. I told you I hadn't mailed them yet because I've been in a deep depression and you dismissed my feelings like always. I have real, valid feelings and you always dismissed them as silly. And come after me because now you're feelings are hurt. Wow, ok. The absolute audacity. And it's not just with your cards that I'm slacking. It's with everything. Because I have depression. I'm overwhelmed on top of that and literally the only thing you care about is a card. I tried to express my feelings the other day on the phone and you dismissed them like you always do. I know things will be fine, but in this moment they are not and you don't get that. Because you don't understand how or why I feel the way I do, then my feelings are silly or invalid to you.
And I never gave [CM] a present. Don't know why you thought that.
Don't worry about coming down on the 20th."
She replies by trying to blackmail me;
"Well my am so sorry I said anything. I never realized you thought that about me. I never dismissed your depression but yes i never knew what to do for you. I am not going to go back and forth about this. I will text [son] and let him know you told me not to come."
She's not sorry to me for being dismissive, she's sorry because now she doesn't get her "Proud MeMe moment" and can't post pictures of her at his graduation on fb. And even if she didn't "know what to do" for me, all she had to do was ask. Or listen. Or give a damn hug. But, no, she just dismissed me bc to her depression isn't real. And she's not going back and forth bc she knows shes wrong! Little did she know that I had already cleared it with hubby and son before sending the text, so I think she thought it would make me look bad to my oldest son that I told her no to come. Oldest son said, "I'm neutral, I don't care if she comes or not. It's not like she's had anything to do with us since she moved, and barely had anything to do with us when she was here."
So, my last text to her said, "He knows. I asked him before I texted you, and he's good with it."
All she had to do was say thanks or not even say anything at all. But, no, she had to say something stupid. Even her own son said that she's lucky she even got a card bc if it was up to him, her actual son, she wouldn't have gotten anything. So, not only is she not invited to the graduation, she's never welcome in my home again. The great part is I don't have to share my holidays with her ever again!!! And please know that I'd never keep her grandchildren from her, but if she wants a relationship with them, she'll have to put some effort in. And we all know boomers hate effort.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I appreciate you my friends!

FIRST CHAPTER
PREVIOUS CHAPTER
This product is a fanfic of the Sexy Space Babes/Between Worlds product of u/Bluefishcake and one I highly suggest you read. It was created with permission, but give the OG works some love.
Imgr gallery of Comissioned and Fan Artworks
I'm Back Bitches! Again!
//////////
Junior Systems Engineer First Class Che’keero knelt before a semi-sparking control panel and sighed. She, and a large band of her fellow Engineers with Marine support, had boarded the pirate frigate with the singular goal of ensuring that the pirates didn’t scuttle their floating hulk and doom the slaves aboard to a, if they were lucky, a swift death in space.
The problem, of course, came with the pirate’s maintenance schedules and decisions to forgo certain… safety measures when it came to repair.
Like the panel before her. Usually a perfectly functional control system for the reverse-magnetic bulkhead doors that ensured void seals in power outages, some pirate at some point in their dumb, dumb life decided to fix the panel blowing a fuse… by ripping the fuse out and replacing it with a high density power cable. Which meant the entire thing was one massive shock hazard and actively sparking as the reactors deep in the ship flickered and surged due to damage.
Che’keero swore as an arc of electricity flashed towards her face after a tool that was not supposed to be magnetized, cheap dick WaDepth requisitions, caught a magnetic field, fusing the entire system shut and turning the formerly barely functional control system into nothing but pretty, decorative wiring and cheap solder. She punched the now utterly unfunctional control box and toggled on her radio. “Three-Two to Three-Lead, this door’s fried. You’ll need to bring in the cutters if we want to get to the rest of the ship. Might as well also bring in an inflatable airlock, I’m not liking how some of the metal strain sensors are flashing at me.”
A semi-synthetic voice replied back to Che’keero, “Three-Lead copies. I’ll be over there shortly with the stuff. Double check those sensors, I’m not getting the same readings, so let’s make sure something isn’t blocking errors from reaching me.”
“Copy that Three-Lead, Three-Two ou-” Something tapped against the back of her helmet and Junior Systems Engineer First Class Che’keero mentally swore.
“Now, now, lassie, how about you sit right there and don’t move.” A nasally, unfamiliar voice called out to her while tapping what a camera she set up to watch her back revealed to be a laser pistol to Che’keero’s helmet. “I think that you’re going to be our new best friend and way off this dead end ship.”
Che’keero paused, letting the situation settle in her mind, “Wait, what? Are… are you taking me hostage?”
“Yes!” The pirate replied.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you taking me hostage? This won’t work, none of the shuttles are jump capable and if you try anything, you’ll just end up jumped by marines. They specifically train to deal with pirates taking their engineers hostage. If you want to survive, you should just surrender and take the penal colony when it’s offered.” Che’keero mentioned, shrugging and continuing her inspection of the door.
The pirate seemed baffled at the sheer nonchalance of this response, the pistol slowly falling to merely point at her upper back instead of her head, “You… you really aren’t taking this seriously. I’m a pirate! I’ve killed people! I’ve killed boys, and you’re just sitting there like this doesn’t mean anything!”
“I mean… I wouldn’t say that.” Che’keero replied.
“THEN WHAT DO YOU MEAN!” The pirate screamed, the pistol moving away from Che’keero’s body by a fraction of an inch during an angry gesture.
It was at that point, a ceramic alloyed, carbon steel blade punched clean through the back of the pirate’s suit, slicing through their central nervous system and striking with enough force to shatter the faceplate of said pirate’s helmet on the way out. Muscles twitching, the laser pistol fired off randomly, missing Che’keero and slagging a chunk of bulkhead.
“I’m just buying time,” Che’keero replied cheekily.
“You really need to remember to check your cameras,” The semi-synthetic voice of Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns commented as the ex-pirate fell to the ground and blue blood dripped from the long blade sprouting from her right arm and a toolbox hanging from her left hand. “This isn’t the first time you have been flanked, and this one wasn’t during training.”
“Look, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Che’keero replied a bit testily.
“I’m sorry…” Ventures Forth prodded.
“I’m sorry, Ma’am.”
“Much better. Right, now what do we see in this- yeah you were right on it being fried.” Ventures Forth gently shoved the Junior Systems Engineer aside and took her place at the control panel. “Do a sweep of the strain systems. I don’t want this section of the ship breaking apart. Feel free to call up our hull patches. We’ve got plenty to share and this might have to be a lifeboat.”
“Aye, ma’am aye,” Che’keero replied with a crisp salute before rushing off to her duty.
Deeper inside the ship, Ventures Forth could hear laser fire, clashing of metal on metal, and cries for help.
The pirate ship was doomed, it was shattered and broken, but it was not destroyed. Not yet. \
And if she had her way, Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns would keep it that way.
//////////
Roshal stood still as her steward continued to clean the dark blue and rapidly congealing blood off her armored form. “Comms,” She called out, “Do we have any contact with the shuttle we sent to the station?”
“Negative, ma’am.” The comm officer replied. She wasn’t the same one that was present when Roshal left to fend off the boarders. At the unspoken question, the woman continued “Communication’s Mate Second Class Lev’tal, ma’am. My superior got a concussion when the pirate ship rocked our ship during boarding. Strap snapped, prior damage. I took over.”
Roshal nodded approvingly, “Good initiative. Send a message to the station, see if we can’t rai-”
“Ma’am! Contact!” One of her sensor techs called out, “Belay that, two contacts. First contact, nav point 782 spinward, possible bogey, cruiser weight. Unknown movements. Second contact, nav point 102 coreward, aerospace assets inbound. Small flight. Hard to determine numbers due to damage. No less than two, no more than five.”
“Focus on getting a hard contact on that possible cruiser. Weapons, what is the status of our anti-aerospace.” Roshal demanded, holding her sword arm out for the steward to scrub at a particularly clotted chunk of blood splattered over her wrist.
The weapons officer shook her head, “If we’re lucky, then we’ve got 20% coverage on half our sides. If we’re very lucky, I might be able to bump that number up to 35%. Not going to quote doctrine, but that’s not nearly enough to fend off a flight of Aerospace assets on a strike run, and that’s assuming they don’t hit us on an unprotected flank.”
Roshal nodded once more, “Sound general quarters and get weapons and tactical back online. Tell the damage control parties to not be distracted and focus on critical systems first. Engine room, report. Can you give me maneuvering thrust?”
The nearby ship phone chimed in with a staticy hiss, “Negative, ma’am. The shot we made with the spinal mount tripped breakers up and down the reactor room. This isn’t an engine problem, we need to make sure our reactor doesn’t blow up when we siphon power. Before you ask, emergency power is still flowing and none of their circuits tripped, but that means we’re down to life support, basic systems, and dockyard thrusters. It will take at least 20 to get the reactor in a safe state. If you want 10, send the chaplain down so we have someone praying for good luck. The fact most of our structural engineers are doing an EVA boarding to ensure the pirate ship next to us doesn’t go critical and render the entire exercise moot isn’t helping matters at all.” The engine room replied Roshal bit down a bit of annoyance at the snark, but engineers were always a finicky sort with authority. They were the first to remind uptight officers that while the Captain’s word may be iron law, it was their work that truly moved the ship.
“Confirmed, engine room.” Roshal instead replied. “Chaplains will be arriving shortly. Do what you can and inform me when you’re three minutes out from full power.”
The engine room didn’t even bother replying, just sending over the affirmative light as they got to work. Roshal approved of that. Sometimes, you just had to insult someone in order to get it working right.
“Captain, we have confirmation on contact. He’s an Alliance Karcharidon class Heavy Cruiser on intercept course. Energy readings are spiking… they’re charging their guns, ma’am!”
“Issue a hostile challenge and give me a firing solution with any gun still functional.”
“No response, ma’am. Hostile Karcharidon is increasing speed. Hard contact in 15 minutes.”
Roshal snarled, emotion breaking through her mask. “Of course, the pirates had one more vessel. Helm, fire our maneuvering thrusters, use the pirate hulk as cover. Weapons, get whoever’s left of our Interceptor flight to engage the enemy. Comms, get me in contact with the merchant fleet, tell them to evacuate. We’ll provide cover.”
“Aye ma’am.” The Communications Mate Second Class said with a shiver in her voice. “Sending-”
“Update on Aerospace assets!” Her sensor tech called out.
“Deliver!” Roshal demanded, cutting off the comms officer with a slice of her hand.
“Weapons fire. Definitely less than four contacts. Seems to be two grou- negative, only two contacts remaining- weaponsfire- one contac- IFF received, oh goddesses, IT’S RUNOFF THREE! FRIENDLY AEROSPACE INBOUND!”
//////////
Milk gripped her crash harness hard as Cookie slammed the Interceptor’s fusion torch clean past its safe thrust marker and into the red as g forces crushed her chest. “Last target down.” She reported after Cookie’s final laser burst hit something critical inside the final Aerospace fighter’s frame. “That’s 20 for 20. All enemy bogeys down. All standard munitions are in the black. Static drive is 48%, dump core ejected. All we’ve got left is our ASM and front laser.”
Cookie flashed back an affirmative signal.
“We going for that cruiser?”
Another affirmative.
“Well, I’m braced and ready on the release. Ready.”
“Ready.” Cookie spoke, his voice horse.
It’s funny what people think when their lives are on the line. Because charging towards a fresh enemy Heavy Cruiser, nothing but a single anti-shipping missile worth a damn, no allied support but the faint glimmer in IFF screens of their fellow flight doing the same… all Aoibhinn McDermott could think of was a poem she had read at least a decade ago or more at the Naval Academy.
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the Valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
//////////
Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns could do nothing but furiously swear as the basic sensor system her engineering team had restored on the thoroughly ventilated secondary command bridge of the pirate hulk revealed an enemy Heavy Cruiser bearing down upon their homeship.
“Weapons are trashed. We cored their reactor, anyway.” One of the tangential engineers reported, “Other teams are calling in. Things are worse where they are. We’ve found the slaves, though, luckily it was one of the few airtight bays. Also, have some more captives, but that really doesn’t matter right now.”
“No shit.” Ventures Forth replied, “Can we do anything?”
The engineer looked back to her, visor depolarizing so the Gearschilde can look into the black and yellow eyes of her Shil coworker.
“Pray.” The woman replied simply.
Ventures Forth Bravely Into Great Unknowns did just that.
//////////
Low chanting filled the engine bay as a small group of priests stood around the engine praying to whichever god that would listen to allow them one more shot. One more fight.
Around them, black handed engineers scurried, ripping out blown fuses and replacing them with soldered in high strength wire. A final measure of desperation. Sparks flew as engineers swore and chaplains prayed, power still remaining in circuits needing to be bled out before bypasses could be installed, turning every bit of solder and every ripped out fuse into a deadly gamble.
Already, someone was lying on the ground, no longer twitching.
They didn’t have time to check on their fallen comrade, the work was too important.
A clock ticked down. Four minutes elapsed.
//////////
Lieutenant Commander Cenywyn swore as she watched Runoff 2 die.
Their single Interceptor had mistimed a maneuver and had been caught dead in the middle of an Anti-Aerospace array, shredded in an instant. The only consolation she could take was that, seeing as the first shot went clean through the cockpit, they didn’t even notice they died.
“Runoff 4, stay in formation.” She ordered over the radio, “We’ll lead you in for the run.”
“Yes ma’am.” The hesitant voice of Junior Flight Lieutenant Griogill replied. She swallowed, “We’re- we’re ready when you are.”
“No fear, Lieutenant,” Cenywyn called back to the child she was leading to her death. “We’re pilots in the Imperial Patrol. We do our duty. No fear.”
A clock ticked down. Six minutes elapsed.
//////////
“Talk to me!” The last remaining senior engineer in the reactor bay called out to anyone who was able to reply.
Someone, she didn’t even bother looking to see who, called back “We’ve bypassed 60% of the fuses. Should be able to give ourselves a burst of combat power. No more than 10 minutes of it before the entire system overheats and we either die, or the reactor shuts off.”
“Any chance we can get more than 10 minutes?”
“Not before that Heavy Cruiser delivers us straight to the stars.”
“Fuck it, good enough.” She slammed her fist on the ship phone’s dialing button resting near the console the engineer had just ripped the last safety override out of. “Captain. We’ve got your power. You give us the word, and we’ll give you ten minutes.”
//////////
Roshal breathed in, breathed out, and nodded. 10 minutes of combat power before the entire ship shut down into uselessness. She’d done more with less. She couldn’t remember when, but she had. Luckily, this was a Patrol Carrier instead of a standard ship, so it was more than capable of combat maneuvers with nothing but RCS thrusters. That should give her some time.
Movement, movement was going to be the key.
“Comms, tell the engineering crews on the hulk that they are ordered to figure out anything that could draw the attention of the Heavy Cruiser,” She began, “Systems, break our mooring lines. We’re going to have to split from the hulk. Helm, prepare for maneuvers. RCS only. We are going to have to do this carefully. Engineroom, prepare for power activation, but hold until my command.”
This needs to be perfect, Roshal thought, A single mistimed action ruins it all.
A clock ticked down. Ten minutes elapsed. The Karcharidon had entered maximum weapon’s range.
//////////
He of Slender Tail shivered where he stood. The secondary command bridge was silent as Roshal began giving orders to fight. This was… this was insane.
They were in a ruined ship with nothing but a merchant fleet beginning to flee and a three thirds dead pirate hulk on their side against a fresh Karcharidon class Heavy Cruiser.
They couldn’t win.
This was suicide.
They would die here.
\ So why didn’t He of Slender Tail feel afraid?
He stood at his post, a secondary bridge console where he would relay orders to other departments, freeing up the other Watchkeeper to collate those orders, there was nothing he could do to help win this impossible battle, and yet…
And yet he felt heat blossoming inside his chest with every single order delivered.
“Mooring teamsss, you are to cut your linesss immediately.” He relayed to a crew of Shil scurrying around the ruined bulkheads, “Damage control, prepare for electrical firesss and arcsss.” He commanded, switching between teams instantly.
He didn’t feel fear. He could see his Watchkeeper shiver every time the sensors reported the enemy contact was still closing, but he didn’t feel the same.
What he felt… was indignation.
How dare this pirate scum threaten his vessel, his crew. How dare they ambush this valiant ship after they had fought so hard to win. How dare they.
He let his fangs fold out as he spat the next order, “Anti-Aerossspace teamsss, prepare your batteriesss for grouped fire. Gunnery calculationsss are on their way.”
How dare they stand up to him.
A clock ticked down. 12 minutes elapsed. Weapons fire.
//////////
Roshal swayed slightly as she could feel the ship beneath her feet move. Movement is life in naval warfare, movement is death. “Right RCS fire, bring us clear of the hulk. Bow thrusters, up twenty.”
“Aye, ma’am, aye, right standard and bow up twenty.” The Helmswoman replied.
“Confirmed. Next maneuver, give us rear thrust-”
“Torpedo!” The sensor operator called out in a shrill voice, “Two marks on intercept course! Range, twelve K and closing fast!”
“Decorum!” Roshal snapped at the panicking sensor technician. “Comms, order Runoff flight to divert and intercept those torpedoes. Rear RCS to full, give us momentum.”
Roshal turned away from the bridge as affirmations were shouted, and the ship began to move, “Engineering, prepare to activate combat power on my mark and prepare for hard maneuvers. Mark in five.”
//////////
Griogill swallowed bile and tried not to feel too thankful that the enemy vessel had fired torpedoes at their home ship. Being diverted from an attack run had a much higher chance of survival than striking through an AA bubble.
“Runoff 4 engaging far torpedo. Moving in for intercept. Bre’kas, give me lock.”
Griogill’s backseater muttered something, and a target lock appeared on the far torpedo as Runoff 1, their previous Drill Sergeants, dashed by in a hard burn and blazed away at their own target.
“Right. We can do this. We can do this. No fear.” The rookie muttered as the sight of her friends in Runoff 3 being turned to vapor echoed in her mind. “I can do this.”
The target locked. She fired. The torpedo detonated.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Mark in four.”
//////////
The Heavy Cruiser loomed closer as the comparatively tiny Patrol Carrier spat its defiance in the form of two Interceptors dancing between the stars.
As a pair of torpedoes detonated, four more were launched, the anti-shipping weapons built for this specific purpose. Destroying disabled vessels.
And so the last two remaining Interceptors on CAP dove into the fray, risking themselves against an ever approaching AA bubble in order to save their ship.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Mark in three.”
//////////
All Cookie could do was stare and push his meager aerospace fighter further on its nuclear thrusters as shimmering dots of torpedoes lanced out from the Heavy Cruiser attacking his new home.
He pushed his hand forward and felt the throttle once more push back against him, the lever pushed all the way past safe thrust and into the further setting on his console.
The Interceptor was fast. It didn’t feel fast enough.
And so he spoke the words he spoke once before, back when he’d had to listen to his backseater’s screams of pain and the rush of wind after shrapnel pierced his fuselage, and the hospital was so, so far away.
Father, I pray that you will not hide your face from me. Whenever I pray, Lord please hear me and answer me speedily in Jesus' name. God, I pray that you will grant me speed through your help.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Mark in two.”
//////////
The Heavy Cruiser shifted, engine flaring and it began to close the range. A single disabled ship on emergency RCS thrusters and a pair of Aerospace fighters was nothing it would have to deal with.
It fired a third spread of torpedoes.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
They took the bait. Roshal thought with a vicious grin.
“Mark in one.” She paused, “Execute.”
In an instant, power flowed through the ship, emergency lights flickered off as the burning red boarding lights returned their fiery glow. The entire ship shook as the main thruster came back online, and capacitors began to charge for maneuvers.
“Hard burn, full thrusters, right, on my mark.” Roshal watched as the Heavy Cruiser began to react to her movements, the enemy ship was alive, you needed to roll to broadsides to begin bombardment, come on come on…
Roshal watched as a torpedo flickered out of existence, Runoff 4 gaining another kill.
Come on, dammit, you don’t get put in charge of a Heavy Cruiser without- THERE!
The Heavy Cruiser flinched, turning her bow away from the no longer stricken vessel, preparing for broadside.
The Captain’s grin showed more teeth than smile. “Execute! Full right thrust!”
“Full right thrust! Aye ma’am aye!” Her helmswoman called out as maneuvering thrusters dead cold roared to life and physically threw the vessel to the side, causing everyone not strapped in on the bridge to rock as a barrage of fire flew past their former location, manual targeting systems in play since the automatic systems would still be getting warmed up.
“Full thrust forward, prepare to divert all power to secondary weapons. Weapons, give me a firing solution.” Roshal commanded, hand raised and pointed at the enemy’s display as if she were commanding from a tall ship.
A chant of “Aye ma’am aye” flowed out across the bridge as the weaponsmistress was silent before calling out. “Port side is up to 45% secondary fires and 32% point defense. That’ll be our best bet.”
Roshal nodded. “Make it so. Target their main weapons. Helm, get us that facing.”
“Ma’am. We’re getting a call from Runoff 3. They are entering the AO and are asking for a target.”
Roshal smiled, “Weapons, shift target. Aim for the anti-aerospace systems. Let’s give Runoff 3 the opening they need.”
A clock ticked down.
//////////
“Cookie, we’ve got a targeting path.” Milk called forward. “Putting it up on your HUD.”
“One second… I’ve got it. Moving to comply. Did the Captain give us a plan?” her front seater replied, causing her stomach to do funny things as the Aerospace Fighter maneuvered while under high thrust.
“Something like that. She asked for a munitions report and specifically about our anti-shipping weapon.”
Cookie paused.
“Ah.” He finally said.
“Yeah.” She replied.
“Well, let’s hope they’re able to open us up to a window of opportunity. Or this will be a short charge.”
“Not our place to question why.”
“Just our place to do and die.”
Time to target… three minutes.
Into the valley of Death, rode the six hundred.
A clock ticked down.
//////////
Two vessels, three Aerospace fighters, one chance.
Six minutes of power remained. All actors took their places on the stage.
One hundred kilometers, close enough to check the weld quality of hull seams, the two ships danced across from each other. Maneuvering.
Five minutes of power remained.
The Karcharidon Heavy Cruiser rolled itself trying to keep the vulnerable top deck away from the Patrol Carrier’s presumably still working main gun as Roshal’s vessel jumped to the side. Thrusters roared.
Four minutes of power remained.
Runoff 1 and 4 shot towards their formerly separated comrade, forming up behind them in a wedge. The trio climbed towards the sun as their captain continued to chase and harass the Karcharidon.
Three minutes of power remained.
Roshal spoke. The lances of her vessel fired. Laser blasts carved across the hull of the enemy ship as it rolled.
The rolling ceased. A helmswoman swore as a full broadside caught the Patrol Carrier in the flank. The port hangar pod was ruined, armor shattered and all inside exposed to hard vacuum. Those who could scream died the fastest. The Interceptors had their opening.
Two minutes of power remained.
Silent wings swept through vacuum as three Interceptors began their dive, their formerly speedy arrowhead shape giving way to an inverted t as their wings swept out for stability, the ASF dove and dove and dove.
Five Kilometers away.
The range was too wide. They had one shot. It had to be perfect.
One minute of power remained.
The Into Harm’s Way spat its defiance into the world, limited power drained to give her pilots a seconds more of time.
30 seconds of power remained.
Three Kilometers.
Hard Lock! Milk shouted from the back seat of Runoff 3. Cookie was silent. The range was still too wide.
15 seconds of power remained.
Two Kilometers.
The Karcharidon seemingly began to roll before the Patrol Carrier once more fired, its last remaining weapons spouting their defiance against the world. Deep in engineering, systems began to blow, wires that replaced fuses sparked power and delicate circuit boards shorted out into useless scrap.
The lights went out.
No power remained.
Roshal, in her head, began to count down as lances of light began to sweep across her ship. Damage control did what they could, but the beams began to cut like an overly enthusiastic shipbreaker.
Five.
One Kilometer.
Four.
Cookie’s thumb depressed the firing stud as the Interceptor screamed at him.
Three.
The ASF launched its deadly payload.
Two.
Three Interceptors pulled back hard on their sticks to avoid colliding with the deck.
One.
The thruster of the anti-shipping missile roared as it rocketed the point blank aerospace distance to target.
Impact.
The armor piercing tip of the missile punched into the upper deck plating of the Heavy Cruiser, classified alloys allowing it to pierce into the armored plating just enough to allow the shaped charge to open up a hole as momentum kept the weapon moving.
Within the frame of a single second, the warhead of the missile had entered the ship and, before the alarms even had time to sound, detonated.
A new sun appeared in the void for a split second as a plasma-fusion warhead detonated inside the Karcharidon heavy cruiser’s hull.
//////////
Roshal allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief inside her head as the emergency power lights flickered overhead and the gravity ever so slightly lightened. What was left of their sensor arrays showed the enemy vessel powering down. “Engineering. Good work, your 10 minutes were just what she needed.” She called out, picking up the ship phone.
There was no answer from engineering.
She signed externally before pointing at one of the marines guarding the bridge, “Find a crewmate in a void suit. I have need of runners.” The marine clasped a fist to her chest before leaving to execute her captain’s commands. “Comms, do we have any contact with the engineering teams on the pirate hulk?”
The Comms officer held up a hand, Roshal waited, “No, ma’am. We aren’t getting- wait. We’ve got visual on flashing lights from the hull. Apparently, something shorted, so they’re having to rebuild broadcast arrays. They can receive just fine, though.”
“Good, once we can maneuver, bring us broadside of them. What’s the status of the merchant fleet?”
Navigation spoke up now, “Still heading for the Jump Point. Should we send the recall order?”
“Not yet, we are still unsure if the area is safe. If we have any sensors remaining, begin sca-”
The mentioned sensor technician interrupted Captain Roshal, “Ma’am, new contact, signature unknown. Just jumped in from outside the starlane!”
“Give me details. Course, range, and speed?” She demanded.
“Signal confused, can’t get a lock!” Navigation called out, “Can’t tell if confusion’s from them or us.”
Not another one… Roshal sighed, “All forces prepa-”
“Ma’am, we’re being hailed.” Communications called out.
“On squawk.”
“This is Captain Al’yosha Cal’rada of Her Imperial Majesty’s Ship Spear of the Knyaginya, responding to Merchant vessel distress calls. Imperial Patrol Carrier, are you in need of assistance at this time?”
Roshal recognized the voice. A junior officer from her days in the Navy and a fellow Sevastutavan. The memory of the fresh faced girl when she’d joined her as an Ensign straight of the Naval Academy flashed before her eyes. “Captain Cal’rada. Your timing is impeccable as always.”
“Admiral?” Roshal could hear the shock in her old protege’s voice.
“That’s Captain, now, Al’yosha. I require your aid in ensuring the disabled vessel still glowing from an ASM strike remains disabled along with Search and Rescue teams for our sister Carrier.
“Whatever you want, you’ll have it, Admiral_… Helm! All ahead flank and plot course to intercept. Launch gunships and prepare to deploy Bluejackets. We’ll test our _Orcas’ teeth today!”
The line cut out a moment later than it should have, and Roshal nodded in approval.
“Captain, I still don’t have a read on new contact. What is it?” Sensors asked.
“A Drep’na inspired vision, come to life.” Roshal watched, feeling an odd sort of parental pride as Al’yosha’s experimental warship began closing the distance towards the Karcharidon at breakneck speeds. “A swift sailing vessel and ten carriage guns…” Roshal murmured the line from an old Vaasconian poem from the ancient Age of Sail. She had heard Cal’rada had succeeded in petitioning the Navy to build her dream-ship, burning every favor and passing out favors to any and everyone to see the program through. Now, there she was, standing on the bridge bearing down on a ship twice her size, but if the rumors were true, only half her guns.
“Ma’am, contact is still not resolving, but IFF confirms Imperial Navy designation. An Akula Class Attack Transport. I’ve… I’ve never even heard of this class.”
“Perhaps we shall hear of them more in the future. Fortune favors the active.”
“Contact is disgorging multiple signals, moving at speeds consistent with aerospace assets.”
“That is our signal we may disengage. Comms, inform the merchant fleet that the area is secure and to begin refueling procedures. Helm, get us alongside the pirate hulk, we have people to recover. Marine, get me a runner to the MP’s, we shall need the port hangar prepared for an old tradition the Navy has regarding pirate prisoners…” Roshal commanded. The fight was over, it was time to begin the cleanup.
//////////
So… that took a while. Sorry about that.
Turns out when a combination of writer’s block, decision paralysis and LIFE hits you over the head, it becomes a touch difficult to get your shit together long enough to write something down.
On the plus side, we are out of the “unplanned bits” and right back into the parts I have brainstormed, so I won’t be staring at a screen trying to think how to make things connect as much anymore. On the other hand, that means we are now entering the epilogue of book 1 of Top Lasgun.
Don’t worry, the story isn’t ending, I’ve got “three” books plotted out in my head, so we’ll see how that shakes out, but for the most part, this is where I start wrapping up plot threads, laying down threads for what comes next, and all that other good stuff.
So yeah, next chapter is going to involve everyone wrapping up what happened here, some fun little Military Justice, and potentially a bunch of plot. Also, I’m planning on starting a “rewrite”/edited version of this to go up on AO3, so keep an eye out for that. Early installment weirdness is a bitch and I’m not proud of what the older stuff looked like.
Well, I hope you have a wonderful morning, afternoon or evening whenever you read this and I will see you next chapter.
[NEXT CHAPTER]

I got recently diagnosed of Schizotypal Personality Disorder because of my referring different mythology, deities, and religious concepts interconnected with each other.
I was suffering from depression from roughly around 2015 to 2019 then there would be moments when I would get a lack of sleep and I would feel better (hypomanic) this went on for a while me cycling depression and hypomania. It wasn't until 2018 that I was introduced to cannabis being high opened my eyes to new possibilities like I could be this happy. I realized I'm a highly anxious person and cannabis allows me to relax.
In 2020 I had a psychotic episode where I was walking with my mom to the subway and I was on my way to an interview with Equinox to become a Personal Trainer, I just wanted to help people get better. During the subway ride, I was happy as a peach, but then I heard whispering from the other side of the subway cart, it was a little who was just mumbling to herself and she was just looking around with a paranoid taste. I looked at her and sent her love and kindness and she nodded at me and closed her eyes. Then I received a text from Jude mentioning about Flushing Printer, but I interpreted it as I need to go to Flushing Hospital. I left the subway cart and I called an Uber, as my Uber lifted me up I had an internal monologue, I had a voice.
The voice said "Son you are worthy, to be King!", the worthy part I liked, but becoming a King I said "I don't know want to be a King and be burdened with responsibility" I asked the Uber Driver where he was from, Brooklyn = King so I said he can be king. Then I went to call two people who I had a crush at the time, one I would be referred to as a Lady Sif and another a Valkyrie, I just automatically assumed their title and they responded normally. I assume I was Thor.
I got to Flushing Hospital and I bypass the security and followed an old man going to see his daughter or wife, I still have no reason why I was there, I thought I was going to perform a miracle, and I was on the 4th floor by then. I was answering's doctor's call which were empty. Then the medical staff noticed I was there, there was another older gentleman who said "You have nice hair" and my Grandfather would say the same thing.
The security team arrived to escort me out and they were disappointed in themselves for missing me and allowing me to come in, they were annoyed by my presence.
Since then I've gone through many Archetype.
Marvel Thor was cast out of Heaven due to arrogance and to learn humility. I equate that to Lucifer, a lightbearer, and Lucifer is equates to a Dragon. I have this book call "An Initiate's Guide to the Path of the Dragon" which ties everything for Dragon path.
I went through a plethora of ArcheType I really thought I was God because I was able to create a pantheon a series of what I would call evidence.
Aang The Avatar: The Last Air Bender shares the same name as my Vietnamese Name "An" it's pronounced the same. An in Sumerian is number 60, I am also number 60 in my Kung Fu Lineage. Then I received the name "Samuel Wiest" and from there things started to get biblical. I have a degree in BTech Computer Information system so I started to see things as in codes.
I would mean "Daniel" would be "God is my judge" and Ingram "angel, raven, or ruler" the most recent archetype if Dream, and I would use his Family Tree mostly recognizing the different archetypes and characters around me.
I received a Hot Pink Umbrella that said Dream Hotel from a local park that has Graffiti "I LOVE YOU JESUS!" and "ELI" "MER" "SIL" and "SUPA" tagged on the billboard.
I've cycled through and attached to different archetypes, I still use Dream and N30 Morpheus as my "high self".
Anansi the Spider, King of Stories, and Loki, God of Stories has been resonating a lot.
I meant this clown named Spatz Donavan and he worked with Jim Carey to get into spirituality, he worked with performers like Michael Jackson. I called Spatz Merlin, but Merlin is also Odin and I'm Loki his blood brother.
There are just a lot of things that happened that connect to each other, like the show Mr. Robot and Raganarok the endings are the same where it was all in the character's head.
On Facebook, there a lot of people who seem to pick up on the Lucifer archetype and then Lucifer in the Netflix series becomes a boddhisatva of Hell.
There is a trend where Anti-Heroes or the An Thai Christ, I use my name as part of the equation.
An = Peace Shalom = Peace
Lately I've been exploring the Abrahamic religion because I want to learn more about the Holy Spirit.
I was wondering if this is a common thing to explore archetype.
I looked in Anansi the Spider because it contained "An" my name and my initial is AT = @
@ looks like O+a which reminds me of the Netflix Series The OA (Original Angel)
The most recent death Akira Toriyama's initial is AT, he is known for Dragon Ball and Dragon Quest. Dragon Ball characters such as Son Goku take after Sun Wu Kong, and Sun Wu Kong is Hanuman.
After watching the show Loki, I believe we are all variants of each other, so there is a say "view all as your mother", since people as variants from one another helps me navigate.
Journey to the West, Sun Wu Kong because a Buddha
I believe I connect with Chenrezig aka Avalokiteshvara the most, after watching ABC: American Born Chinese, I'm a firmly believer that my mother is Guan Yin and I'm learning the path back to Source.
I'm writing because it's the only thing that brings me joy and hopefuly opens to other who would like to share their story.
I personally don't subscribe to Schizotypal Personability Disorder, but I'll borrow the name because I do look at SchizoPoster's Memes.
I learned OM MANI PADME HUM Mantra from a group of Guan Yin' Disciples in California, ever since then my parents have taken on meditation practice and even setup an altar since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder which I definitely do have since I've felt the highs and lows, writing because I feel low right now and didn't know where else where I would post and discuss besides Reddit.
Anyways I wonder if this has to do anything with the Arisings and Passings or has anyways gone though this Archetypal journey?

Ok I know the title may come across as a little conceded or self absorbed but hear me out before judging please.
So I'm a 27 year old woman, most people think I'm 18-20 years old, I have a baby face. Since I turned about 19 I started getting a lot of attention from men/boys. I know some people will think "oh poor you, you are sad because you're too beautiful." That's not what I'm trying to get across here. I am unconventionally attractive. And I've spent a long time building up my self confidence to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel beautiful. And I don't think it's bad for anyone to know they are beautiful. And at times I do dress provocatively, I'm comfortable with my body, I'm happy with how I look and I'm not scared to show off. But here is where I have a problem.
I like to feel beautiful and I don't mind compliments from men, but I've gotten to a point where I'm very depressed about how people see me. I've been sexually harassed by so many men and it's starting to get to the point where I'm like can't you see past how I look and treat me like a living creature that's equal to you? I've been sexualized since I was a kid, my sister's spread rumors in the family that it was weird me and myale cousin were best friends. His parents even forbid us from seeing each other when we were teens. If I hung out with any guys my age my sister's had to bring up that it was inappropriate in some way. When I was 17 my sister's 30 something boyfriend said my Facebook pictures looked like pinup model photos and my sister thought this was a sweet compliment while I was disgusted. The same guy later sexually harassed me on Halloween when I was dressed as Harley Quinn, I was 19 then, I won't get into specifics, I've already shared this story, but this led to my sister physically fighting me, she was 30. Not to mention my other sister is still friends with this guy and let him be around me again.
Basically, I'm so scared now of men being attracted to me I'm afraid to talk to my male professors because I had one be a little to touchy with me, I'm scared to even hang out with male family members because I'm afraid even they will be creepy to me. And just recently I came to the realization that my old therapist was being creepy to me as well, always telling me I was sexy etc. Like I'm scared for a man to even talk to me, and if a man is being creepy to me I always tell myself I'm overthinking it so therefore I'm at risk more because I don't even know what's real anymore.
All of this has severally affected my dating life. I've never dated at all actually. Despite the fact that men have told me they think I'm some kind of wild sexual creature, I'm still a virgin. And when men find that out they either get even more creepy or aren't interested because I'm not the sexualized object they had fantasized about.
Now I either get men who aren't into me at all and ghost me, or men that can't stop talking about wanting to be with me, probably just for a night. And it's all really affected my self image lately.
I'm mostly just ranting here but I don't know, there's this character in a book called Bailey's cafe, her name is peaches and she cuts her face to make men leave her alone and I always really related to that tbh. I want to feel and be beautiful but I also want people to know there's more to me. I don't want to have to be suspicious of every man who talks to me, I wish other women would quit treating me like shit. Like what's so bad about just existing as a woman? Can't I just get some peace at some point.
I know someone will tell me to get over it or that I'm just trying to get attention. That I'm complaining about attention others want. I get that but I just wish I could let my feelings out there without being judged sooooo much by literally everyone. Anyway, thanks for reading. I'll probably delete this if the hate becomes too much for me lmao (oh also I forgot to add, the reason I mentioned I look younger, it makes things worse cuz most like 50 year old men creeping on me think I'm like 18 so that freaks me out.)
💖💖💖💖

My friend and I met at my old job. A lot of what we had in common was work, and spent most of the time talking about work. But we also talked about real life stuff, went to each other's houses, helped each other through breakups, etc. Talked nearly every day on Snapchat for 4 years.
Recently I've been really depressed and fighting certain addictions in my life. She is aware of this. I'm usually super chatty, but lately replying to people has felt overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed. My life is also insanely busy right now, new house and new puppy, and my new job is draining. Even telling people how I am feels like a chore. I told her this multiple times, and apologized multiple times for not being the best with responding. Sometimes she would send me a message and I wouldn't read it and start talking about something else. I know I wasn't engaged.
A while ago I decided to take a big social media break, texting break, etc. Again, I was feeling overwhelmed. I told my friend this. However that social media break turned into like 4-5 weeks...and I haven't talked to her once. Haven't responded to her texts. I feel awful but at the same time I needed that break.
It was my birthday recently and I guess my BF posted something about it on Facebook. He asked if I could log on and comment so it doesn't look weird LOL which I did. However, I think my friend saw that and...blocked me on everything. IDK how to contact her. And I feel terrible. And I don't know what to do.
I also feel bas because my friend's dad is in extremely poor health and she may have been needing support on that. Prior to my break, I would constantly ask about her dad and listen to her vent about the situation.

the illusion of choice (vent)
context: i stuck in a rude ignorant town in vietnam with absolutely no one i can relate to. I haven't met another asexual person ever in my life, my autism has made me more closed off over the years after spending 3 years in the shittiest highschool in town and meet the worst most cruel kids all around. anyways, the gist is that im rotating around interest in having relationships and my libido spiked up and it's so shameful and scary and strange, here's some stuff i wrote
Its like, I never claim to be aromantic. So why am I feeling this eternal shame for wanting to try out not relationships, not the heterosexual dynamic? Just something a bit more than platonic maybe it's because I don't have a plan for committing? or maybe because I don't trust relationships in general, and they often spiral downhill based on the "adult role models" around me, making me feel weird. I was crippled and stolen of those abilities to navigate relationships and friendships. Growing up in a semireligious family with bitter grandparents who hated my mother for marrying so early, I was raised "pure" and was fear mongered to death with anything related to my sexuality and attraction. I am autistic and have no one to validate and help me stand up for myself. So am I really so repulsed by relationships, or is it because I am distrustful of people in general and was fed with fear and the taboo silence rather than a sit down and explainations? I've been browsing the asexual subreddit. It's not common for people to claim they were raised to become intentionally sexually repressed by their helicopter parents. Sometimes asexuality isn't inherent but just what you're used to and comfortable with, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just recently got a taste of a crush, and that feeling rushed back. I know I'm fine with being married to better things than holding a chick in my arms, giving her pet names, and doing a couple things in rotation until she left me because we're young and poor. It's so counterproductive, especially if I have other concerns. But still, it got me thinking, "Maybe try." There's a reason kids who are high school sweethearts mostly have a fine support network, are hetero, and have parents with stable income, for them to approve such bullshit, poor family just fear mongering their kids about how one wrong step could ruin their future. and it's not wrong. heterosexuality in vietnam is often misogynistic and lead to shitty results, every relationship is too early in the parents eyes if the kid turned out poor or abused. What I'm saying is that ive never given a choice or a chance to even see it for myself without the fear of intimacy built from my family who can't recognise that they have to teach their son instead of telling their daughters to be careful. I guess it started because I was kind of teased in school for obvious reasons: no """"man"""" would look at me. even though obviously lesbian. But we all know those teen boys are tools; I could easily bag one on Facebook just by texting essentially about nothing. Girls hold them on a pedestal because of heterosexual relationships. Most of my classmates have ugly ass boyfriends that make them starve and actually hit them; the other half have online boyfriends. There's always problems relating to power structures. Some classmates made fun of me last year by saying that I have pretty hands but have never properly held anyone's, or that they've found my "secret boyfriend" and how they laugh to themselves about how absurd it is. And obviously, thats laughable, and I pay no mind to the teenage peer pressure and insecurity speaking on their part, but still, I guess seeing girls heads over heels over girls does make me curious about the truth in a kind of addiction produced in finding your other half, just a smidge of curiosity. Maybe I am overcompensating at this time because of depression. The problem is that I would like to bag a chick, but I have no incentive to do so. I was immune to heterosexuality propaganda growing up; I was exposed to progressive beliefs, so I poked holes easily in gender roles, problematic red flags, etc., and my standard rose. Plus, being gay and lonely in my sexuality makes it hard to make friends with girls, and I can't relate to anyone around me because the gays in this city don't organize. Why should I pursue a relationship with a hormonally ignorant pos at this school?

context: i stuck in a rude ignorant town in vietnam with absolutely no one i can relate to. I haven't met another asexual person ever in my life, my autism has made me more closed off over the years after spending 3 years in the shittiest highschool in town and meet the worst most cruel kids all around. anyways, the gist is that im rotating around interest in having relationships and my libido spiked up and it's so shameful and scary and strange, here's some stuff i wrote
Its like, I never claim to be aromantic. So why am I feeling this eternal shame for wanting to try out not relationships, not the heterosexual dynamic? Just something a bit more than platonic maybe it's because I don't have a plan for committing? or maybe because I don't trust relationships in general, and they often spiral downhill based on the "adult role models" around me, making me feel weird. I was crippled and stolen of those abilities to navigate relationships and friendships. Growing up in a semireligious family with bitter grandparents who hated my mother for marrying so early, I was raised "pure" and was fear mongered to death with anything related to my sexuality and attraction. I am autistic and have no one to validate and help me stand up for myself. So am I really so repulsed by relationships, or is it because I am distrustful of people in general and was fed with fear and the taboo silence rather than a sit down and explainations? I've been browsing the asexual subreddit. It's not common for people to claim they were raised to become intentionally sexually repressed by their helicopter parents. Sometimes asexuality isn't inherent but just what you're used to and comfortable with, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just recently got a taste of a crush, and that feeling rushed back. I know I'm fine with being married to better things than holding a chick in my arms, giving her pet names, and doing a couple things in rotation until she left me because we're young and poor. It's so counterproductive, especially if I have other concerns. But still, it got me thinking, "Maybe try." There's a reason kids who are high school sweethearts mostly have a fine support network, are hetero, and have parents with stable income, for them to approve such bullshit, poor family just fear mongering their kids about how one wrong step could ruin their future. and it's not wrong. heterosexuality in vietnam is often misogynistic and lead to shitty results, every relationship is too early in the parents eyes if the kid turned out poor or abused. What I'm saying is that ive never given a choice or a chance to even see it for myself without the fear of intimacy built from my family who can't recognise that they have to teach their son instead of telling their daughters to be careful. I guess it started because I was kind of teased in school for obvious reasons: no """"man"""" would look at me. even though obviously lesbian. But we all know those teen boys are tools; I could easily bag one on Facebook just by texting essentially about nothing. Girls hold them on a pedestal because of heterosexual relationships. Most of my classmates have ugly ass boyfriends that make them starve and actually hit them; the other half have online boyfriends. There's always problems relating to power structures. Some classmates made fun of me last year by saying that I have pretty hands but have never properly held anyone's, or that they've found my "secret boyfriend" and how they laugh to themselves about how absurd it is. And obviously, thats laughable, and I pay no mind to the teenage peer pressure and insecurity speaking on their part, but still, I guess seeing girls heads over heels over girls does make me curious about the truth in a kind of addiction produced in finding your other half, just a smidge of curiosity. Maybe I am overcompensating at this time because of depression. The problem is that I would like to bag a chick, but I have no incentive to do so. I was immune to heterosexuality propaganda growing up; I was exposed to progressive beliefs, so I poked holes easily in gender roles, problematic red flags, etc., and my standard rose. Plus, being gay and lonely in my sexuality makes it hard to make friends with girls, and I can't relate to anyone around me because the gays in this city don't organize. Why should I pursue a relationship with a hormonally ignorant pos at this school?

Monday is the first day of the work week that many people dread. Not all people dread it, but some. Let's take a look into the Numerology of Monday to decode the energy and what it can be used for to work with it and not against it.
M - this is the 13th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 4. The energy of 1 is action and the energy of 3 is connecting with others through collaboration. This puts a focus on responsibilities and for most people, it's a work or school day which connects with this. Although it is about being responsible, it's still the energy of 4 which is mellow and controlled energy. O - this is the 15th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 6 which is about using your creativity constructively to take care of the tasks or duties you need to take care of. 6 is the number of beauty, duty, and routine. N - 14th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 5. This is about using your energy to be responsible and making space for enjoyment while doing so. 14 is a karmic number, but not when used correctly. As a karmic number, 14 is about someone who ditched their responsibilities and now have to deal with some challeneges(5). Proper use of this energy is using it for creative purposes. D - 4th letter vibrating at the purest energy of 4 which is about calmness, caution, and security. A - vibrating at 1 as the first letter of the alphabet, this is about action and energy. Y - The 25th letter of the alphabet vibrating at the energy of 7, but through cooperation with others(2) and compassion for others(2) and with the use of creativity (5) or even humor(5). Big lover energy as 5 can point to romance and 2 can point to soulmates.
Monday full numerology comes down to 8 and 8 can represent long and drawn out processes, wait times, and pressure. The dreadful energy can be moreso due to this 8 energy. People can work with this energy by being patient as 8 points to tedious tasks. With this insight, you can now simply start expected a little time in between things and pacing yourself. It can seem like a long day or your duties may be plentiful.
This is a day best utilized in a constructive (8) way with the use of wisdom and calculation(7). The 7 is the soul urge influence of Monday based on the vowels. 2 vowels A and O which equals 7. Being calculating and seeking depth will allow you to master the energy of Monday. Use this day to get the most done with your projects or workloads.
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Friends, talking to someone very important in my life today, I was told to write today about my life on facebook, the real story.
And hardly anyone knows the whole story, and that's true. So then I'm going to arm myself with courage and tell everything: And to take whatever comes back my way. When I was born, in Puerto Rico, I was a sickly person. I had among other things, a heart disease. At three years old I began to experience something that I had no idea it was at that time: I did not feel like a boy but like a girl instead. I told my parents but as neither they nor I understood what this was, they told me that I was male etc. By five years old I began to be attracted to girls: I liked my neighbor Noemi.
At that time, I was already attending church, because my family has always been Christian. At 7, I sang at the children's choir of the Disciples of Christ church in Bayamon.At that time my family lived well, my parents had businesses and we had a large house with a lady who I will not call a servant because to me she was like my aunt, Titi Sandra. We had some luxuries, not many but enough.
We traveled to other countries for vacation during weekends, etc. , In short, we lived well. At the age of nine, I was diagnosed with type one diabetes, and then my family lost the business for things that happen in life and we moved first to Humacao and then to Caguas, where at 11 years old I was in a coma, which decades later, I found out that as a result of that coma, my brain had been affected in such a way that in essence the doctors told my parents that emotionally (not intellectually) I was going to stay at the age I was when that took place for the rest of my life maybe. But they didn't tell me that at that time. The thing is that also at the same time I wanted with all my soul at that same time to get into boxing as a competitor. I saw in Wilfredo Gomez, Wilfred Benitez and Muhammad Ali my heroes. I wanted to be like them and started going to the gym,
I had a couple of fights as an amateur. For those who do not know, particularly my great friends from Caguas, at that time when we moved to Cayey, two extremely important things happened in my life: I met the love of my life, a girl named Thylvenetssie, who is an American girl of Puerto Rican parents, as she had arrived in Cayey from Boston, Massachusetts.
She liked music and she and her friends Hilda, Ana and Carmen formed a band which sometimes they took the stage of the middle school we all attenced and started singing at lunch, nothing seriously but for them it was serious enough. For my part, I was still in boxing and all that but, Thylvenetssiee and I fell in love, we went out to eat a few times together and then she asked me to join her band and I, in order to keep being next to her all the time, joined them. What followed was unimaginable: suddenly I gained popularity and everyone at school knew us. I enjoyed it because as she had come from the United States, she knew the lyrics of many songs, and me, living with my secret, I not only loved the songs of Van Halen, The Beatles, Menudo and Duran Duran (what a mix haha!) but also those of Madonna, Cyndi Lauper and Bananarama too. And not only that but when we became known at school, I had my "fans" also, one in particular was named Maritza and I always remember her because she was always next to me when Thilvenetssiee was not with me.
Through all that, I still went to the gym and trained because I was known as the boxer who sang. In essence I was the only male in a "girl band." But my parents saw that the hospital in Cayey was not very good and decided without telling me that we had to return to Caguas. And one weekend we returned. I wanted, cause of what I just told you about the girl and our band, to go back to school in Cayey, but I couldn't because the government wasn't going to allow me anyway because I now lived in another city. There I rejoined again with my friends and soul mates from Caguas ,and I also liked a girl named Leila.
Then I got into the Ebenezer United Methodist Church, where I was in the adult choir at 14 years old, I also continued with boxing but one day, the night before the fight between Marvelous Marvin Hagler and Sugar Ray Leonard, I had a dream where I died in a boxing match and took it as an omen and decided not to continue with that idea of becoming a boxer. I met a girl named Loyda, and other friends, I started to hang out with a clique of teen friends, I had a great time but something else very important also took place: I fell in love with a girl named Angie. At that time I wasn't used to girls telling me they didn't love me, but when I asked her out, she told me she didn't want to be my girlfriend. that happened on May 20, 1989. My friend Victor must remember because he knew how in love I was and that night I remember Victor phoned me at my home from his, to console me. Then I began to experience depression, I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to commit suicide. On top of that, when my pastor found out that I had begun to visit Angie's church, he told me to continue going to her church and I felt that he had basically told me to stop going to mine (his). I was so desperate that I went and sought medical help from my school psychologist, and the psychologist invited me to his home for a "private session."
Luckily, I did not go because it felt weird, and I knew more or less what he meant, and a month later I found out through the janitor of the school, that the doctor was fired because he had said similar things to other young people at school. Imagine that! But also, during that era, my friends and I were planning to form another band and we even used to go to town to take theater, singing, and dance classes, and because of that and also because of the conversations I had with my parents, with my friends and with my aunt Lourdes who one day grabbed me by my arm and told me "do not do what I would not do" and also because God was with me, I still had hopes and so I survived depression. But nevertheless, there was still that doubt that I had, that unresolved issue: inside myself I had this female voice. I saw myself and felt like Madonna or Molly Ringwald and I did not understand why.
Playing basketball, I saw myself as a girl. Kissing girls, it was the same. Boxing, it was the same. In church praying, hanging with my buddies, singing, it was always the same. In April 1990, we boarded a plane and moved to the United States. I wanted to become an entertainer at that time. When I arrived in the United States, I realized that I also liked boys. I still didn't know that in Puerto Rico, so I was shocked for quite some time. Here I tried to enter the Marines and I went to be sent but when they realized that I have Diabetes when they did my medical, they disqualified me, But I tried at least, and worked as an ice cream salesperson, in the hope of being able to pay my entrance to some talent agency which I achieved after many years.
I was about to marry a girl I met one day when, leaving her house, she ran to me and kissed me and there we met; two weeks later we were in court for the court wedding, but we decided not to do it and we ran out of there. She was a witch, she liked black magic and that and I got into that lifestyle even though I was still a Christian and I was never fully involved in it like her. She was Gothic and I got into the Gothic style too. From then on came the parties, the clubs, the "crazy life". I also found another church here where I started to go but I got into trouble with the pastor because of one spefific rule I disagreed with in that church. The thing is that I was in a group of more or less 20 or 30 different characters: we always went everywhere together and, besides that, I was already in a well-known talent agency working as a model.
But that agency passed into the hands of a group people which some of the other models told me were not reliable and all the models I knew, including me, said goodbye to them and that was that. At that time I had a girlfriend a very beautiful black girl by the way but I wanted to continue in my wild ways and living the crazy life.
A lifetime of meeting famous people such as several ex-Menudo, Wilfredo Gomez, Michael Jordan, Sunset Thomas, Pamela Anderson, Sylvester Stallone, Ringo Starr, two former presidents of the United States and even Princess Anne of England. Of fist fights wherever they found me, of casinos, hotels, of addiction. And another thing: not only did I know I was bisexual but also something else: transgender. I told my sister Nilda a week at the end of 1996, while still dating my fiancée. On a cold December night. (I remember they were showing a soap opera with the beautiful Mexican actress Lucero and when I told her at that time I felt very much like "Lucero" hahaha) By 1999, I asked my doctor to do an operation to change sex, but he denied it based on my Diabetes condition. I continued to play basketball every week, organizing another musical group that I had for a short time here, and leading my crazy life. Until one day I was about to do something crazy against a private property and, after that, the group I hung out with gave me an ultimatum: either I would change or my hanging out with them would end.
I went through rehabilitation, I began to behave better, but little by little that era came to an end. I returned to church but because things that happen in life, I had to move to a house where the church where I live at now is somewhat far away and then, covid also came, and I do not like to go out where there are a lot of people so much. I am still transgender, but recently one of my other aunts (Aunt Raquel and her husband Joe Gomez) spoke to me and now every day I ask God to forgive me for everything I did, for who I am and have been.And the reason why I am writing this here today is not to brag, I am neither proud nor ashamed of my life but there are many people who do not know a quarter of it and someone told me today to talk about it and encouraged me to tell you about it so that everyone knows, but they also said to speak with the truth and talk openly.
Those from Caguas do not know what happened in Cayey, many my family did not know about my time with depression, and neither those of Caguas nor most of my family and friends knew about my transgenderism and that I even own a couple of dressees. Nor about my love history or anything like that. It's time to get courageous and tell the whole truth. Whoever told me to write this, told me to tell the whole truth. And here it is.
I have bounced from one wall to the other, I had love affairs with men and women, (although now I am heterosexual again- I like only girls) I have been popular and I have been ignored, brave and cowardly, and yes I have also been both a man and a woman in spirit, I have been an angel and a demon, healthy and sick I have lived well off and kind of poor too, sung and acted, the latter in film (Eight Legged Freaks) and theater (mostly badly). That is my life, my truth.And every night I pray to God for Him to forgive me. I hope that when it is my turn to speak with Him in eternity, my heavenly Father will forgive me. For at the end of the day I never ceased to be a Christian, to believe in Him and to love Him.
My aunt Raquel still says if I dont stop being transgender I will go to Hell. She does not understand how much this hurts to hear.

Hey! I'm Nush! I'm looking for someone to share myself with, shower them with love, and do fun stuff together!
I feel like I'm emotionally in a place where I can work towards building a relationship which hopefully would last forever, and I'm really excited to meet someone new and share experiences with!
I understand the importance of persistent effort in maintaining a relationship and I'm more than willing to go beyond whatever is expected for people I love! I'm just trying to be the best version of myself, for myself and for you. Here's a lil information about me, if I seem interesting to you, I'd love to talk to you and know you better. :D
A lil info about me!
📏- (Make a mental avatar of me) I'm 6 feet, Indian. I have dark brown eyes, short wavy black hair with brown streaks, I'm pretty athletic in my build, broad shoulders, long legs. My aesthetic constantly oscillates between nerd and stripper.
🖋 I'm an author and a poet. I like keeping things, ideas and people immortal in my work. I'd like to think of myself as a hope collector, who likes to collect abandoned hope, repurpose it, and make it into something you would want to have in your life.
🤯 The only high class meme enthusiast. This is a consequence of being on the internet for far too long. From tacky Facebook memes to Gen Z humor, you can bet I will be gasping for air.
👟 I'm really passionate about the environment, and I'm very eco-friendly. I love guerilla gardening and being a rebel against the capitalist system. I'm always open to having a healthy discussion/debate even on things I don't agree upon.
🍮 I love cooking! I'm always looking forward to learning new cuisines! I also like to grow most of my ingredients. I'd say food is one of my love languages!
⭐ I really like anime, I've had this weird generational habit of collecting different rocks (Rockhounding), I hit the gym everyday, I try to be spiritual, and read. One of my recent obsessions has been chess! I'm also fascinated by history and art.
🏳️‍🌈 I'm bisexual and an LGBT ally! I've been in the worst depression and I've made it out. Here to give away all my love. ❤️
ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

In January of 2023 my wife, I’ll call her S, left me. A bit of backstory because this is mostly my fault. Me and her moved from Florida to Washington 6 years ago for me to find better work. Her dad, brother and I were all best friends for a while and her dad was my boss that’s how I met her. We started dating in 2016 when I lived in Jacksonville and was attending welding school. When I moved back to my hometown I couldn’t find work and eventually went back to work with the company her dad worked at, I ran my own shop. I hated it I was so depressed I wanted to weld but she didn’t want me to because she’d be alone while I was on the road so I stayed. Her mom is a meth addict and is very violent and her dad is laid back as it gets but an alcoholic non the less. I was living with my parents at the time and one day her mom freaked out and tried to hit her, I stood up and defended her and her mom kicked her out of there house. Me and her lived with my parents ever since. Now that she lived at my parents house I had to basically force her to get a job because all she did was play sims and complain. Especially about me watching game of thrones because of the nudity. when I got home and I thought she needed some purpose. I only bring these thing up to put into perspective the things that I had to forgive and give up to be with her. One day my mom asks us if we’d like to move to Washington in hopes of a better life and she could attend college here. I was thrilled at the idea and she was at that moment too. As the date grew closer and I had already put my two weeks notice in she started getting cold feet. I explained to her that I was miserable at my job and had already given up welding and I was not passing up another opportunity whether she came or not. That ended in a fight but she said she wanted to come in the end. My mom emptied her retirement so we could rent a truck, drive up and have an apartment when we got there (my mom was already here) When got here we both immediately got jobs as a construction labor, making quite good money and her at a drugstore. This is where the problems really began. She started to become very withdrawn. She was not interested in anything sexual, and it began to wear on my confidence. I eventually got a job as an electrician making less money as an apprentice, but more overall when I turned out. Then Covid hit. I got fat and depressed, I got a lot from unemployment. So naturally, I began to drink more. Then I started dabbling in cocaine. Over time this became a problem, I began hiding it doing it on the weekends being out all night sometimes for multiple days. She caught me and I lied. My mental health was deteriorating quickly. I had already suffered with depression before, but this was something different. Her dad got diagnosed with stage bone cancer during this too. It was a rough time for both of us. At one point she told me she didn’t know if she wanted to get a divorce because she wanted to go back home to be with her dad if he died. Even though I understood this crushed me even more. During 2022 I was still somehow I was still somehow still managing to keep it together even with my addiction. She started attending college and work and college at the same time with stressing her out to the point where she was crying so I told her to quit her job and do college full-time. I paid for all of it. Financial burdens began to increase. My mental health dropped even lower. I became increasingly suicidal I thought about death every day. I talked about it every day. She would tell me she’s not a psychiatrist or therapist and that she couldn’t help me. She started hanging out with one of her friends from work and they started hanging out a lot towards the end of 2022. This part is extremely important. I started noticing things on her phone that pointed to her being interested in women like things in her algorithm for TikTok and YouTube. Stuff to do with being lesbian and coming out or bi. I asked her one day if that was something that was going on with her if she was interested in women. She told me no. A month later, she came to me and told me that she thought about it and it was something that she had been thinking about. I told her that it was OK and that it was something that I was willing to let her explore as long as we communicated. Then out of the blue one day again she tells me she didn’t mind if I slept with other women. Looking back this was a red flag at the time. I thought it was OK with it for being with someone else. It turns out I was not. Being a cocaine addict and an alcoholic pretty much plus the thought of her being with someone else started to grind my self-conscious. I became increasingly paranoid that she would leave me. One night fueled on cocaine. I got on her laptop and looked through all of her history all of it back years. And I saw she had to stop obsessing over a guy. Is it OK to have a crush on a guy at the gym while married. I confronted her with this information. And it turned into a huge she said I invaded her privacy which I did and still feel terrible for. And she said it was only a crush and nothing else. Our sex life had all the ground, and I was so hurt that she was attracted to someone else and couldn’t even begin to be attracted to me. One night at the beginning of January, maybe the first week or two I was trying to quit drinking and doing cocaine. I had maybe been a week in. It was the weekend and I didn’t want to be alone. I begged her to stay with me, but she went out with her friend. In retaliation, I suppose I went out with someone a friend of mine and got fucked up. We ended up going back to his place with some girls. There was no sex just making out and such. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I freaked out and got taken home in a cop car. She was at her friends at this point I decided to commit suicide. I overdosed on muscle relaxers with my uncle to tell him bye. My uncle got it out of him that I had overdosed. He called my wife and her and the woman that she was hanging out with came to my house and I was taken to the hospital. I spent a whole week in the hospital. The whole time I was there she just seemed annoyed. She wanted to go back to her friends house and do homework for school. I got out and went back to work. I had to make up some school and the day I was there. I talked to another woman about how I could win her back because she said that she didn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore. The girls suggested I take her out on a date and tell her how I was feeling and I did. That night while we were eating dinner, she told me that she had been sleeping with that girl the night I tried to commit suicide and other nights. She didn’t tell me she was afraid I would divorce. At first, I remain calm. But as the past, I started to become angry. at home I told her I was leaving to go stay at a friends house because we need to take a break. I started drinking heavily and told her to get the fuck out of my house and I hated her a bunch of other I started drinking heavily and told her to get the fuck out of my house and I hated her a bunch of other terrible things. I went completely off the rails she left with that girl to stay at her house. I bought a bunch of cocaine Adderall and alcohol and was determined to just do drugs until I died. I started self harming. I tried to commit suicide through carbon monoxide, overdose, and hanging. I ruined the house. I broke so many things kicked down doors shattered pictures. You should’ve seen it. It was disgusting. She came by to check on me because she was worried. I was going to kill myself. I can’t remember everything that I said to her, but I know I freaked out. I started throwing things and just being an absolute ass. it culminated her calling my parents. She told him everything. I should also note that during this time I was confused as well with everything going on in my head and thought maybe I would be by and gave a guy a blow job he also gave me one as well. It didn’t last long I wasn’t into it, but I told her the very next day. Had about three months before all this happened. She left again and my mom flew back from Florida. As I sobered up, I began to realize how I had acted. I went to work and immediately told my foreman that I needed to go to rehab. I went to rehab and started to feel better about two months after she had told me and I went to rehab and started to feel better. About two months since the split, we met up at a Starbucks to talk about us. She said that she didn’t think she could be with me anymore. After the way I had acted and all the lying with my addiction. I wanted her back so badly. I told her I’m sorry I was never worth it in a bunch of other stuff that was childish. She said I had acted like her mom and that she couldn’t deal with it. I totally did the yelling throwing things saying horrible things to her to put her down. Anyway, I went no contact with her the whole time she was still living with that girl. I relapsed after about four months. I got laid off from my job. In a few Coke, fueled rages on separate occasions, I would call her and beg her back and then yell at her when she didn’t want to. I called her with cancer and told him that she had cheated on me with a girl. They are very conservative and that was a horrible thing for me to do. So now the end of the tale. I’ve been in and out of sobriety now for this year and a half more in sobriety than out. I’m sober now I’m in AA and NA and feeling much better. Her dad died of cancer. She never told me I heard through a friend of a friend which really hurt me because me and him used to be best friends. Although I understand why she would not reach out to me. Neither me or her have filed the paperwork for the divorce. We just never talk. She has me blocked on Facebook and I don’t know her phone number and honestly right now. I don’t even know if I want to go through with the divorce or just keep working on healing. I’m so confused because I still love her but also I don’t want to be with her but I do. I think about her all the time. I don’t want to break no contact with her. We haven’t spoken in over nine months. I don’t want to open up the wounds for her. If anyone has read this far thank you. I’m typing on my phone so if everything seems rushed and a little sporadic, sorry. I would just like some advice on how maybe I could move forward stay sober and heal from all of this.

I (27F) last last winter (2022) wrote a long letter to my mom. I poured my heart into it, I cried the whole time writing it. I showed it to my husband to make sure I wasn’t being too mean in my writing towards my mom. I showed it to my stepsister to again make sure it was okay and made sense and to get emotional support (I’m Mexican and I didn’t want to push too far because i understand how deep generational trauma is and the parent child dynamic) I even showed it to my stepdad who immediately called me apologizing for the things I wrote in the letter (which I will get into in a moment) and was telling me about how he will divorce her (I didn’t want that and made me feel shitty) and explained why some scenarios ended up the way they did. Everyone encouraged me to send it. I was so confident that my mom was going to read it and drive over ? Write back? Call me. Something ! So I mailed it. (I mailed it because I instantly cry every time I try talking to her in person about not surface level things, it would of been easier getting words out especially when having to translate to Spanish)
In the letter I wrote about:
-Feeling emotionally neglected -the name calling my mom would do (calling me “retarded” and mimicking noises and movements of people with disability towards me among other things -My uncle being a pedo and scaring me into not saying anything to them, i later said something to a friend in HS who went to the counselor who called the police and I made up a person to protect my uncle, I was then grounded for over a year. -the carpet in my bedroom always being wet when it rained which is a lot where I live ruining my feet with a fungal infection that was just ignored (i understand it was a money issue but the hurt remains) -being yelled at for not cleaning everyday (I was the only child who would clean the kitchen and pick up leaves in the fall and stuff), sometimes she would clean again after I would do it. when asking to teach me how to do it better I would be ignored -asking her a question and being ignored -being blamed for high utility bills n being expensive for needing braces -my boyfriend in high school being suicidal when I would try to break up with him and hurting that I couldn’t go to them for help -saying that I tried to hit her to my step dad when I moved out of the way of her too quickly and making a scene about it leaving me confused -understanding that i understand she probably had a rough childhood and that all I wanted was a normal mother daughter relationship
That’s pretty much the gist among a bunch of other little things that really hurt me and I explained that it was hard to form a relationship with her in my adulthood and trust her with my kids until we addressed these things. I wanted to be acknowledged. Not even an apology really. But a conversation. I wanted to understand her more because I literally don’t know anything about her. We would never talk unless it was to eat dinner or clean something. I was always in my room during that time.
I waited a few weeks, my stepsister would visit them here and there and tell me how my mom appears sad? And maybe she needed more time.
A few months pass by I see my mom smiling in Hawaii having a good time.
At this point I’m in therapy because I’m losing hair from the stress of this and severely depressed.
Fall comes around and I finally go to visit with the encouragement of my husband, stepsister and stepdad. She acts like I’m not even there. This makes me angry. At one point my mom goes outside to smoke a cigarette im at the table with everyone and I start just talking about the hurts again, I say my mom is a narcissistic. My mom comes back inside. And for an hour. I’m complaining and she’s in the living room a few feet away saying absolutely nothing.
I leave feeling so weird. So lonely? We are now I’m 2024. I don’t have a relationship with her or my step dad really. I had to block her because she would go to Hawaii again and just living her life having a great time I was trying not to be bitter. Or angry. My step sister and step dad eventually started to question how legitimate my statements were (a lot of the meanness was when it was just my mom and I) it was so painful being misunderstood. Being told that that’s just the mom that I have. Being told that things were maybe my fault for having a problem with everything (I would always speak up when my parents would be racist and things)
I few months ago I did send her a text as a final effort. I asked why she never responded. If she wants to just leave this alone that’s okay and I will move on. And she told me that all that was on the letter were complaints. And told me about how when I was 20 I made a comment on a Facebook post about bad parenting and how everyone saw. About how embarrassed she was when people reached out to her. About how I wrote that I felt like I was in a dark environment. I didn’t know everyone saw it. I apologized for that. She told me to come over to talk because she personally has some complains about me. But she never acknowledged me. I didn’t want to go, to feel yelled at and again taken back to being a child getting yelled at.
I’m currently feeling grief. Mistrust to my family. Lonely. Jealous? About how my other siblings seem to be having a better time. How do I move on from feeling misunderstood. I feel like everyone is okay and I’m abandoned. I feel guilt for pulling my small family away from them from how hurt I am. Most times I’m okay until I see my stepsister at a family gathering that I’m never invited to. And then I’m back again to being a lonely child.

Am I the only person experiencing this?
I am moving out of state and have been posting on Facebook marketplace, Craigslist, OfferUp- and I’ll have people ask me if an item is available and then just completely ghost me. Or they’ll say they will meet up and never show. I honestly feel so disheartened and feel like crying :/ it’s such a stressful process and the thing that sucks is I have such good quality stuff, it would just cost way too much to ship it.
I’m going to try here, if anything interests you let me know and I will work out a good deal for you. It only allows me to post so many pictures so if anything interests you ask me and I will send you pictures of it. Good and genuine Vegas locals please come through.
BRAND NEW TV STAND‼️ Still in box, never got a chance to use: Selling for $250 (picture is what it looks like when put together) 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Outdoor backyard table set with 4 chairs, just got this for 770, selling it for $550- shoot me a message and I’ll give you a better price or send me your best offer. 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
(PRICE LOWERED‼️)✨Cherry wood desk / top quality wood Bought this for around 2000, selling for just $650 but will give you a better price- or send me your best offer. Willing to work with you 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
(PRICE LOWERED‼️) ✨65 inch Sony Bravia $550 + $75 Klipsch subwoofers and speaker: AVAILABLE ⭐️ and we made it a better deal for all of you so someone can enjoy. Must be bought together as a set to get this deal 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
3 piece wood set, living room Table, side table, table holding TV (can also be used for other things like putting pictures flowers etc) $300 for all 3 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
I have 1 great blender available: High, strong, speedy, quiet, works great. $25 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
BRAND NEW ‼️ still in case, never used : Floating shelf home decoration. This is your sign to beautify your home. You can put pictures on there, plants, vases, anything and it gives it more of a home like feel. Selling for $25 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
Crystal home decor: $15 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Food Processor: works great! $15 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Portable stove: perfect for having shabu shabu, or hot pot, or bbq at home together at the table to enjoy together. Great to enjoy outdoors for parks & camping as well $15 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
1Strong sturdy Iron Board used twice $20 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Tripod can be used small on the table and extends huge up to 75 inches. Has a holder for camera or phone: $20 🌺 CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
BRAND NEW: YAHTZEE Board game still in wrapper with price tag on it bought for 20, selling for $10 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
Tower fan, just got this for 70 bucks, selling for 50 but I’ll give it to you for a better price. Just shoot me a message with your best offer🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
MARBLE BOARD: $20 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
5 pound weights : $6 each both for $10 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Wi-Fi extenders: 45 each or 75 for both 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Waffle maker: $10 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Skewer grill brand new still in box, never used : $20 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
ceramic big vase: bought for 70, selling for 30- send me your best offer we will work something out 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
Electric hand mixer: works great and makes baking a breeze!! A must for baking $15 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Super cute weighted soap holder brand new: $5 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Couch is from Jubilee LV luxury modern couch purchased at 3,150. Selling it for 1000 shoot me a message and I’ll give you a better price or send me your best offer. We work something out. 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
lamp: $15 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
Air fryer, used a few times. $20 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
realistic faux plant decoration $10 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
This couch is the comfiest couch. It is stuffed with goose feathers so you just melt into the couch. needs to be lightly cleaned (was quoted $50 for a cleaning but I have no time so just selling the couch for super cheap) but this is the most comfortable couch, best naps on it ever! I just got these covers for 120 (they’re removable super easy no worries) lolll but you can have them for free with this couch. Probably should take it off and let the couch shine $200 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
small dresser: Has a little chip on it but nothing too noticeable $10 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE 🌺
(PRICE LOWERED‼️)✨Round table with Tempered glass with 4 chairs and cherry wood stand- this is a 2000 tempered glass table imported from Italy- selling for $600 but shoot me a message and we can work something out or send me your best offer. 🌺CURRENTLY AVAILABLE🌺
okay hear me out I know Christmas is a little ways away but it sneaks up every year and this year you’re going to be like man when that Asian girl was selling the Christmas stuff I should have gotten it for cheap lol ✨pine cone ribbon lamp battery operated: $5 🌺currently available🌺 ✨nutcracker: $5 🌺currently available🌺 ✨gnomes there’s 2 $5 each 🌺currently available🌺 ✨light up wreath: $5 🌺currently available🌺 ✨Christmas table decor: $5 ✨currently available✨ ✨Christmas towel: $2 🌺currently available🌺 Christmas plate/tray: $5 🌺currently available🌺 Or take all the Christmas stuff for $20 total

TLDR: My boyfriend just broke up with me out of nowhere and I just want to get over him but I don’t know how
I was with my boyfriend for a year and a half and he ended things with me on Sunday.
At the start things were magical. I was the happiest I’d ever been and I think he was too.
I fell into a deep depression around July last year (whatever you do don’t go on the rod it will ruin your life) and I became a shell of myself. I got really really insecure about a lot of things but especially my relationship. I was terrified he would stop loving me and leave me.
In September I had a massive breakdown and we almost broke up but we decided to stay together. Things did get a bit better in that I started to feel better mentally but I never really felt right.
I would still worry so much about him leaving me. I was so anxious all the time I could barely function.
He spent Christmas with me and my family and then we went away for almost a month in January. I thought things would be getting better.
I just couldn’t shake the insecurity I had though and I started to resent the way he made me feel. I would daydream about breaking up with him just to hurt him or some how getting hurt or sick so he would worry about me.
He wasn’t perfect. I know that. But I did love him. He sometimes wasn’t very nice and would hurt my feelings and make me think that I was just being sensitive.
Things had been quite off since Easter. I was in more of a funk than I had been in quite a while and it felt like my entire life was just so empty and futile.
I didn’t see him a lot during this because this time of year is very busy at his work and I just put everything up to me not feeling great mentally and him being stressed and busy.
My 21st birthday was at the end of April and I was absolutely dreading it.
He took two days off to spend it with me on my birthday and I was so happy to be able to see him and things were so fine and he was the most beautiful Facebook post for me and I remembered why I loved him so much.
My party was on the Saturday of that week and again he came and spent the afternoon with me and looked after me while I was violently hungover on Sunday. We had been talking for so long about moving into together and we had another conversation about it on Sunday. Everything again seemed to be fine.
I started an antidepressant on Monday in an attempt to pull myself together and help control my anxiety. I was pretty sick this first week as I heard can be expected when starting this medication.
The next Saturday he invited me out to a family friend’s bonfire. He was so mean to me this night. He didn’t really talk to me and he didn’t sit near me. I was sort of left to try and talk to his mom.
We got home that night and he laid on his phone before saying goodnight and going to sleep. This was not very usual for us. We would usually cuddle and talk or have sex, just spend time together in bed. I was left feeling so confused and worried. I didn’t know what I had done.
The next day I was understandably a little demure as I continued to worry about what I had done to upset him. And he made a point to keep asking me if I had had a good night. Which I had not. Because of him. I didn’t say this.
I cried the entire hour long drive home. I thought I was just reacting badly to my medication.
The next week I started to feel better with my medication and my spirits started lifting. We still didn’t really text a lot during the day but I was able to recognise that he was probably just busy and he wasn’t going to leave me at the drop of a hat.
On Saturday we had plans to go out with his friends for dinner. He asked me to come over that day, he was going to take the day off the spend with me.
When I got there he was acting so weird again. Being cold and antisocial and quite short with me. I just figured he was stressed or something and he eventually warmed up a little by dinner.
But when we got home the same thing happened again and he completely froze me out and went to sleep immediately. I was so worried I didn’t sleep.
The next morning we had breakfast with his mom and she showed me his baby album. Things were fine.
When I got home I decided to text him and just ask if everything was okay or if I was just imagining things to be a bit off and he responded with no things are not alright I’ll phone you later.
A delightful message to receive.
He then drove all the way to my house and preceded to tell me that he just didn’t care about me when we were apart. He said he wanted to break up with me since SEPTEMBER when we last had this conversation. And he felt like staying with me would be settling.
But he said he still wanted to see me and be friends with me and he didn’t want to lose me. Upon my asking what being friends would look like he explained that we would still do pretty much everything we always have done just not have sex anymore.
He was here for over three hours and probably cried more than I did.
Now i am heartbroken. I can’t believe that I will never see him or his friends and his family every again. I just don’t know what to do with my self. I wasted over a year of my life with him and he said he didn’t love me for almost half of it
But I’m also relieved. I don’t have to worry about him judging me or leaving me. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I want to hate him but I can’t. I can see now that our relationship was probably over for a while now or at the very least I haven’t been happy with it for a while but I am still so sad.
I am worried he will want to get back together again but I am also so worried that he won’t. I just don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I want it so bad but I also don’t know if I can do it again.
I miss him so much, he was my person for so long and I just don’t know how to get over it.
I can’t stop thinking about all of the plans we had made all of the this was so looking forward to doing with him.
I just want to get into a new relationship not because I really need one, I have my fried and my family, I feel less alone now than I did with him. But it was so nice having a person. (I do recognise that it is waaaay too early to be thinking about getting into any sort of new relationship)
The thought that I will have to date again kills me too. Boy are so foul and mean and how do you even meet people outside of dating apps.
But I also don’t ever want to have to trust a boy again because it will just end the same way again I’m just not good enough.
Anyway, I’m so sorry for all of that but yeah how do I get over this and stop thinking about him?

My brick and mortar computer repair shop is located in a great location. A main road, across from other very active businesses. It's probably the most active spot in the entire town yet I still get this line above from most of my customers where they say "I didn't even know you were here."
Client acquisition has been incredibly slow, even with facebook ads, newspaper ads, posting the stuff in all the local facebook groups, etc.
I don't know how this quote is even possible at my location. I have a front door sign, I have a hanging sign above the side walk, i have posters in all the windows advertising my business and what we are, and we have been here for 4 years yet I still hear that exact same quote all the time.
What can I do to fix that? I am already advertising on Facebook & it cant be advertised on google because its a 3rd party tech support firm.