So, first this is a throwaway, because I don’t want this on my main acc. I’ll apologise ahead of time for the long post. It’s a long story!
This all happened a Long time ago, we’re talking 15+ years but I still think about it all the time and need some advice as it’s currently affecting my ability to give 100% to my relationship.
I’ll start by saying I (40f) was s**** a**** when I was younger, and I’m only recently coming to terms with the shame that brings and the mental health issues it obviously carries. Which is likely why I’m only now beginning to dissect it all and in effect re-live some of the issues from time to time.
I met my now husband (42m) when I was 18 and he was 20. I was living with my parents at the time but had been homeless for a year prior to avoid some pretty sketchy scenes at home which I don’t want to go into but relate to my current mental health issues.
We had a close relationship with his brother “Jeff”, but his then gf “Tanya” was forever making it quite obvious she had ideas on my then bf. They’re around the same age. His younger sister “Laura” also happened to be Tanya’s best friend and actively encouraged this.
Whenever we would all get together for family bbqs, parties and other events involving drinking, Tanya would flirt outrageously with my now husband. He would entertain it and play along. Whenever I broached the subject as being inappropriate they would all just say they’re like brother and sister, and I’m sick for thinking otherwise. Given my background, I took this on the chin and tried to get over it. Every time, like a fool. Obviously this didn’t stop, and I began to feel like she would take things up a notch and do things on purpose because she knew things would wind me up and my now husband and I would then argue. Things like telling me she picked the wrong brother, sitting on his lap, answering the door in sexy nightwear when she knew we were coming over, you get the idea! (I’m quite outspoken and would call her out on it fairly often. Only to be gaslighted by my husband again and told I was inappropriate). He wasn’t blameless in this. They would have tickle fights and banter and generally laugh far more than he and I would when we were together. My husbands family would often tell me she was inappropriate but they all said there’s no way my husband would ever cheat on me. They said she was trying to wind up Jeff (his brother) who wasn’t really bothered by any of this, because he was cheating on her regularly and their relationship was really volatile. Her flirting only got worse when we all had children (I know, stupid move) and I’d continue to call him out when she was flirting because although he was no longer flirting back, he wasn’t putting a stop to it (he said he didn’t notice she was). Eventually, things became so bad when the four of us met it was causing quite volatile arguments and I put my foot down with an ultimatum. This is some 7/8 years in, and we had children together so he picked me and even stopped speaking to his brother as well. Not long after we all stopped speaking, we booked our wedding. She then booked hers, FOR FIVE DAYS BEFORE OURS. This was annoying but nevertheless, we weren’t speaking, so no big loss and we went ahead regardless.
Looking back now, I feel like I never should have stayed with him at the early stages and I should have put my foot down and left immediately, but I loved/love him. I was also only 18/19 & some part of me felt like I was competing and didn’t want to lose (stupid, I know) I also really loved when we were on our own and had no extra company around.
I’m now coming through the other side of therapy, I now know what gaslighting is and I’m really angry with him because it’s now glaringly obvious that that’s what was happening to me at the time. I’m so angry that he didn’t put her in her place and draw a line immediately when the inappropriate behaviour occurred and I raised my concerns.
Tanya and Jeff broke up a while ago, lo and behold she was cheating on him, too (with multiple men) and Jeff didn’t like a taste of his own medicine when he found out. None of my husbands family now speaks to Tanya and Jeff has remarried. It’s been probably 9 years since Tanya has been in our hometown but I still can’t shake the feeling something happened. When I broach the subject with my husband he tries to reassure me nothing happened and apologises for not stopping it earlier, but I still can’t fully believe him. It’s stupid because it’s ages ago but it still pops up in my thoughts often. I just can’t prove anything. Or can I? Do I message Tanya and ask outright? She technically has nothing to lose now, but I don’t know if I could trust her not to use it as ammunition to spark a relationship back up with my now husband.
I don’t know how to stop being so angry about everything that occurred and it’s eating me up. Has anyone been through anything like this before? How did you get through it? Did you resolve it? I honestly don’t know if I can live with this as my past in our relationship. I think im just riding it out for the kids at the moment but it’s hard to tell because my brain and emotions are in a blender.
TLDR my husband used to flirt and say it was just friendly and now I’m realising I was justified in being angry and should have left him at the time

It wasn’t always bad. The first 4 years were pretty good. The occasional fight or spat, then we had our first kid and there was this weird subtle shift. Barely noticeable, but definitely there. I was dealing with being a new mom, fell into a pretty bad postpartum anxiety, to the point I had to quit my job because it had gotten so bad. He started coming home from work then sitting in the garage for hours or leaving the house at odd times. It took me 2 years to figure out that what he was doing in the garage was smoking meth. Leaving to buy meth and to meet up with other people because according to him I wasn’t satisfying him. But how was I to know that you can’t actually satisfy a meth addict, something about the high. I don’t know I’ve never done it.
Anyway, I forgave him and tried to help him with his addiction. Tried everything I could think of short of having him committed to a rehab facility involuntarily… which I don’t think I can do without a court order. I lasted 8 months doing this before I couldn’t do it anymore, but then I found out I was pregnant, weirdly I was on birth control…fun. I feel like I need to add here that although our second baby was a bit of a surprise she was very much a wanted baby… a baby I had planned to try for 4 months after I actually got pregnant and only if things had calmed down. Oh and I had also started working again 6 months prior.
Well things got worse, so much worse. 7 months into my pregnancy I found out that he had been having an affair with some girl 12 years his junior who he wanted to move into my house with our children and be in a relationship with this person and I was supposed to just accept it. On top of that I also figured out he was sleeping with multiple other people…While in a panic, I had a moment of clarity and I ran to my OB and had them run every possible STD test out there. And positive it came back. Thankfully it was bacterial, caught in time and my doctor was able to treat it and get rid of it with a round of antibiotics.
That was it for me. I ended it. 7 months pregnant with a toddler and single… super excited. I wish I could say things got better after that. But, as so often happens, things got worse. Now I was being threatened to be beat up by his girlfriend. I was so deeply depressed I was hardly eating anything. When the baby came (during the beginning of Covid lockdown, by the way), he slept while I labored, was visibly high while I gave birth and stayed exactly 1 hour after she was born and then took off and didn’t come back until it was time for us to go home. And only then he only came back because he had my car with the car seat and I begged him to come get us after he suggested my sister pick us up.
And yet, I was so embarrassed about the whole situation blaming myself entirely for all of it. After all I chose him. No one knew what was happening. No one knew of the cheating, the meth, that sweet little letter he wrote me to convince me to bring his girlfriend to live with us. His threats of suicide and self harm. Nothing. And then one night 2 years later I decided I needed to start dating and so I did… bad idea… it lasted 2 months before he hacked into my phone. My email, my everything and was watching my every move. I figured it out one night when my phone stopped working and I went to my provider to find out what was going on. They let me know someone had cloned my sim and had access to all my personal accounts… they showed me the number that had my sim… it was his phone… his excuse when I confronted him? “I had to know where my children were” mind you I had never lied to him or kept the kids from him, matter of fact I went out of my way to tell him where we were and how long we’d be. I moved out that night. I went to the house grabbed all essentials for the kids and myself and anything else I could possibly fit in my small SUV asked my parents if I could stay with them and never looked back.
Three months later I found a tracking device in my car. I now have a permanent restraining order against the guy and he’s worked himself out of having both physical and legal custody of the kids.
All that to say that in the 4 years since I left him, I’ve tried to date several times… and… I can’t seem to stay with it. I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m afraid of someone hurting my children, not that they ever even meet them. I’m afraid of ending in the same place I am now. I’m afraid of putting that much effort into someone again. I don’t know how to make the fear disappear. I don’t know how to let anyone in again. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried just jumping into it and nothing. I end up running for the hills.
I’m not saying I need to be in a relationship, but it would be nice to not feel so afraid of it. So stuck in this bad place that I can’t open up to the even the possibility of it.

This is my first time posting so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense or I’m trauma dumping a lot also a couple trigger warnings, I’m not sure where to start off with. Me and my mom used to be pretty close I’d say up until I started high school. Middle of eighth grade I moved to a new city so I was back to trying to find some friends. I’ve been moving around since I could remember, I used to live in Germany where I moved twice, then moved to the US around the Silicon Valley, moved again, and again and again now we’re here. I wouldn’t be explaining this part of my life if I felt like it didn’t have any weight in this situation. Middle school I found a friend, me and her got pretty close, stuck through Covid together. My mom hated her and not even two years into our friendship my mom started accusing her of stealing from us, being a bad influence and overall just being trashy. Her parents were in the middle of getting a divorce and she had a lot of things going on in her life. I dyed my hair red during this time too while being friends with her, she probably was a huge influence on me but that’s also because it was covid and I was bored and who doesn’t start irrationally bleaching and coloring their hair at 14. I think my mom thought she was a bad influence on that part too because she's the one that first started off coloring her hair like purple and pink etc. My mom never of course said anything to my friend but she made sure I would hear of her disapproval concerning her bad influence in my life. I stopped being friends with her freshman year since my parents banned me from having her over or going to her house, I couldn’t drive neither could she and hanging out at each other's houses was pretty much what we did 80% of the time. I was so frustrated and felt trapped because the only friend I really cared about was someone I wasn’t allowed to associate with anymore. I told her I was done being friends with her over text and blamed it on me just being in a dark place and breaking it off. She was confused and called me a week later about something personal but I just dismissed it. Granted there were other things going on in our friendship but I felt terrible about it especially since her parents were going through that divorce and I just left during such a sensitive time. I hate to admit it but I felt so much better since I started making new friends quickly and started sitting with a new group the next day. Mostly guys and other two girls, it worked out fine for the next year. Junior year my grades started dropping so my parents got stricter, started taking my phone, looking through it, screen time etc. I felt like it was a huge invasion of privacy since my mom would look through my texts. Me and my mom also started arguing weekly about whatever it was but when I mean arguing I mean like full on yelling for two hours down in the living room with no stopping. I can’t do anything about it because whenever I say something remotely disproving her so called “facts'' since she always speaks with so much authority on subjects she wouldn’t even know about I’m the one that has to quiet down from my fathers perspective, and I know this will be mostly about my mom but me and my dad have always been close even when we’re fighting within a week we at least make it up. We play the same sports, have the same humor etc. I understand this might look like us disregarding my mom and I know she cares and loves me yet in certain circumstances she doesn’t show it so of course there’s going to be reasons as to why I’m closer with my dad than her. For example I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in 4th grade and of course I wouldn’t expect anyone to know that when you're low you need carbs or when your blood sugar is high you need insulin but my mom to this day still does not understand it. I wouldn’t care even if it’s my friend but as my mom you take so much authority over my life and who I can’t or can hangout with but you don’t know the basics of how I have to manage my life behind closed doors in the house that you and I live in every day. That might sound overdramatic but it’s just something I think about. Also growing up, I’m an only child by the way, I would always play by myself whenever we went on vacation for example to the beach etc. it was always my dad that came and played with me in the sand while at sharing his time with me and my mom so my mom wouldn’t gets upset over him leaving her to go play with me. Even now I notice how my mom would always make snarky comments regarding how my dad always treats me like a princess and cares too much over me. Anywho, since I know this is getting pretty long I’ll try to sum it up a bit more. I started liking one of the guys from that group, I would text him on a daily basis just about whatever. We were pretty awkward in person since I’ve never really talked to that many guys and I don’t think he really had much experience either so we stuck it to mostly phones, everyone else in the group also didn’t know. Once my mom went through my phone on one occasion that night, because she would collect it on some nights and read through my messages in bed she saw one message from that guy calling my mom bipolar and me responding with something like it’s fine like I still love her she freaked out. She told me to never talk to him again and that I’m a brat for talking about my family issues outside of the family etc. I honestly had nobody to talk to. The other two girls in the group didn’t really talk to me at this time, I later became really close with one of them though more on that later and I had no other friends in that town so it was really only him. He had a plethora of family issues that I couldn’t even imagine so I felt like he understood where I was coming from at times better than other kids with American parents. Not sure I mentioned but my parents were both born in Eastern Europe and grew up during heavy communism so that definitely affected them and their parenting style. Anywho, my mom sent me a paragraph to show to him, basically telling him to never talk to me again and that he has to apologize to her etc. After a couple months I think he took me out on a date. I'm not sure what to make of it since it was pretty casual. We just got ice cream. I told my parents that he was only picking me up so we could meet with the rest of the group when of course we’re not. The rest of the guys saw us downtown and found out about it. That kinda really sucked since I’m pretty sure one of them liked me so he got really mad and it kind of ruined the group dynamic. The guy I liked stopped talking to me a couple months in since I couldn’t really do much or go anywhere and dating as a result would be hard so he stopped really talking to me it was pretty off and on since I would get mad stop texting him and then he would try to get back texting at me and once I showed him I cared he’d stop. I was so mad at him and the situation that I refrained myself from talking to him, two weeks later he killed himself. I found out because one of the guys from the group faced me and told me. I went downstairs and started crying and formed the sentences explaining it the best I could, pushing a couple words out at a time. In that very moment I felt so hurt and vulnerable by what just happened my mom responded by just looking at me and saying that he had it coming for him since he probably vaped and drank. My dad ran downstairs since he probably heard me crying and the first thing he did without asking me any questions was hug me. For the first time ever he told my mom to shut up since her trying to ask me questions about how he died just made me sob harder. Over the next week my mom was pretty lenient about letting me go out. The next week she started asking what happened to him. Me and my mom were not close at all anymore at this time. You see mothers and daughters talking about guys or what dress they’re gonna wear to the prom etc in the movies. Me and my mom are not like that. On top of that I was overwhelmed with what happened and as someone does overthinking how things could have played out differently. Anyway I refused to tell her anything saying I was too uncomfortable and over the course of the next couple months of senior year she would get progressively mad and irritated at me to the point of arguing and yelling at me for not trusting her and telling her how he killed himself. I to this day told her nothing but she stopped asking. I don’t know how my dad feeds into this since he’s always so Switzerland about everything when I know I’m right in an argument between me and my mom, however when my mom has leverage he takes her side. Anyway, the beginning of senior year was rough. I hated being in that house and really started seriously considering the only options I felt like I had at the time. I started becoming closer to that one girl from the group earlier, spoiler alert my mom strongly dislikes her now too since she’s a liar and since she’s close with her mom but not her dad that means her parents are having marital issues and therefore her mom is a cheater etc. I don’t understand how she goes from one topic to another and sorts these things into her head. She’s my only friend that I’m really close with and I have been for the past these almost two so hearing this is very disheartening since I’m sending off senior year and I can’t do this again being so close to the end of the year. I forgot to mention but during homecoming I drank for the first time and I had one of my guy friends with his girlfriend and that friend that I’m not friends with drop me off. When he dropped me off he didn’t wave to my mom so she now thinks he’s a bastard in her words and disgusting and she deserves and apology for all the times he’s been over to my house etc. which I honestly think is insane because how do you always have so many issues over my friends and why are you so obsessed with 16 year olds, like you really have beef with high school kids as a 50 year old. Anyway the reason I bring that up is because I invited him over a couple weeks ago for some drills to help one of my other friends with mma since me and him used to wrestle and my mom got mad despite him not being there for me but for my other friends benefit. I’m not sure if this makes any sense. I'm trying to explain the issue best I can without saying too much. Anyway my friend, the one that I’m friends with now, the girl and that guy from the group that didn’t wave at my mom are both Latin so my mom started calling them cheaters and dirty etc when they had nothing to do with anything. This argument spiraled over me asking my mom if I can have a sleepover with those friends since we want to bring a new series on Netflix. Also during prom I asked my parents for 10 dollars since I already had twenty in my account and I wanted to buy hair stuff for prom. They gave me the 10 and I said how I was going to catch a ride with friend A so that when friend A picked me up but friend B that I did not mention in the plan picked me up my parents started calling and texting me. To give some background friend B has been close with me since freshman year, probably the only friend my mom has liked and also the only white friend I have not sure if that has anything do with it but there’s that. She’s really sweet and has been invited over multiple times to my house by my parents, they do really like her. Anywho yet since I didn’t mention that friend B was driving the car since my parents didn’t recognize the new car and knew it wasn’t friend A driving yet assumed it was indeed friend B but since I didn’t mention that they took all the money I had in my account which was only 30 dollars but it was what I needed to get my nails and hair gloss and hair spray for prom, I just started breaking down in the middle of target. I was so excited to get my stick on nails etc since I couldn’t afford to get the acrylics since I was paying for all my prom stuff for the most part. By the way I know that the 10 dollars was initially there so I understand taking away that but the other 20 I made selling my clothes on mercari and I had nothing else like no other cash nothing that was the money I worked on to get my prom stuff. It was mostly my dad actually that got mad at this point taking my money etc and than following a got a text from my mom saying I got what I was coming for by acting the way I have been. There were 3 others with me while I was at target so having three of my friends see me breakdown from me only having 14 cents left in my account was so humiliating. I ended up looking great at prom neither less so don’t even worry about that, my hair looked great and I found some old stick-ons in my laundry room and painted them white lol a couple of them popped off during prom but whatever. This has been really long and thanks to whoever spent their time reading through all of this I’m sorry if the read is a bit of a struggle but I just don’t know what to think or do of this situation. Keep in mind I’m 18 now, never have had a boyfriend, never have do anything, kissed, even held hands romantically etc. it’s one thing you know to not care about any of that but the thing is I do and I want to experience being a teenager and going out and going on dates and not worry about my mom flipping out on one of my friends. While we were in Italy one of the tour guys told her to move on the bus to make more room for others and she started cussing him out telling him to f himself etc for telling her a paying customer where to sit. Everyone started staring at us. I did not want to be there. I just kept my head down the entire time and didn’t really talk to my mom out of embarrassment for the next two days. Also after that prom incident I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere after as a result of go to friend B's birthday bash the next day so my mom texted her without my knowledge and told her not to tell me about how I’ve been acting up and one day I’ll learn when I’m her age but it will be too late and that I don’t know what I’m doing and finishing off my apologizing on my part for my behavior and I’m the reason why I can’t go to her party. Which I find so infuriating because one of the main reasons why I don’t tell my mom anything about my personal life is because I simply don’t want her to have that control of knowing what my life is like, I probably tell the teacher I TA for more than my own biological mother. The fact that she preached family issues in the family so heavily and that you should never talk about issues to others yet goes behind my back and tells my friend that my indecent behavior is the reason why I can’t go is so beyond me because where did your ideals go that you preached so heavily about. Every time I’m around my mom especially when she has her flares of anger I just start shaking like you know when you drink something with a lot of caffeine in the morning and you don’t eat anything so mid way through the day you just start getting jittery and anxious, kind of like that. Ok I think I’m done anyway thank you for tuning in cause I really have to start studying for human geo, thanks for reading up until here 🙂.

It wasn’t always bad. The first 4 years were pretty good. The occasional fight or spat, then we had our first kid and there was this weird subtle shift. Barely noticeable, but definitely there. I was dealing with being a new mom, fell into a pretty bad postpartum anxiety, to the point I had to quit my job because it had gotten so bad. He started coming home from work then sitting in the garage for hours or leaving the house at odd times. It took me 2 years to figure out that what he was doing in the garage was smoking meth. Leaving to buy meth and to meet up with other people because according to him I wasn’t satisfying him. But how was I to know that you can’t actually satisfy a meth addict, something about the high. I don’t know I’ve never done it.
Anyway, I forgave him and tried to help him with his addiction. Tried everything I could think of short of having him committed to a rehab facility involuntarily… which I don’t think I can do without a court order. I lasted 8 months doing this before I couldn’t do it anymore, but then I found out I was pregnant, weirdly I was on birth control…fun. I feel like I need to add here that although our second baby was a bit of a surprise she was very much a wanted baby… a baby I had planned to try for 4 months after I actually got pregnant and only if things had calmed down. Oh and I had also started working again 6 months prior.
Well things got worse, so much worse. 7 months into my pregnancy I found out that he had been having an affair with some girl 12 years his junior who he wanted to move into my house with our children and be in a relationship with this person and I was supposed to just accept it. On top of that I also figured out he was sleeping with multiple other people…While in a panic, I had a moment of clarity and I ran to my OB and had them run every possible STD test out there. And positive it came back. Thankfully it was bacterial, caught in time and my doctor was able to treat it and get rid of it with a round of antibiotics.
That was it for me. I ended it. 7 months pregnant with a toddler and single… super excited. I wish I could say things got better after that. But, as so often happens, things got worse. Now I was being threatened to be beat up by his girlfriend. I was so deeply depressed I was hardly eating anything. When the baby came (during the beginning of Covid lockdown, by the way), he slept while I labored, was visibly high while I gave birth and stayed exactly 1 hour after she was born and then took off and didn’t come back until it was time for us to go home. And only then he only came back because he had my car with the car seat and I begged him to come get us after he suggested my sister pick us up.
And yet, I was so embarrassed about the whole situation blaming myself entirely for all of it. After all I chose him. No one knew what was happening. No one knew of the cheating, the meth, that sweet little letter he wrote me to convince me to bring his girlfriend to live with us. His threats of suicide and self harm. Nothing. And then one night 2 years later I decided I needed to start dating and so I did… bad idea… it lasted 2 months before he hacked into my phone. My email, my everything and was watching my every move. I figured it out one night when my phone stopped working and I went to my provider to find out what was going on. They let me know someone had cloned my sim and had access to all my personal accounts… they showed me the number that had my sim… it was his phone… his excuse when I confronted him? “I had to know where my children were” mind you I had never lied to him or kept the kids from him, matter of fact I went out of my way to tell him where we were and how long we’d be. I moved out that night. I went to the house grabbed all essentials for the kids and myself and anything else I could possibly fit in my small SUV asked my parents if I could stay with them and never looked back.
Three months later I found a tracking device in my car. I now have a permanent restraining order against the guy and he’s worked himself out of having both physical and legal custody of the kids.
All that to say that in the 4 years since I left him, I’ve tried to date several times… and… I can’t seem to stay with it. I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m afraid of someone hurting my children, not that they ever even meet them. I’m afraid of ending in the same place I am now. I’m afraid of putting that much effort into someone again. I don’t know how to make the fear disappear. I don’t know how to let anyone in again. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried just jumping into it and nothing. I end up running for the hills.
I’m not saying I need to be in a relationship, but it would be nice to not feel so afraid of it. So stuck in this bad place that I can’t open up to the even the possibility of it.

It's so exhausting going through this alone, seeing other people have these experiences that not only I have, but so many other people feels so good.
When I'm n*, for some reason I come on here and just check out what people are also dealing with. I slowly start to feel better to see that I'm not just being a "attention seeker" like some people portray me as.
I wish you guys get better soon, if you want some advice I've collected over having this fear for a while now :

• Pure ginger helps me a ton, it's like a life or death (dramatic ik lol), it kills my n* in 10 mins
• Make sure you guys are Eating, Drinking enough water, Getting enough sleep, Getting enough exercise, Going to the bathroom daily (aka pooping).
• If you have a panic attack like I do, instead of immediately thinking that it's the nv*, think logically and what could be causing you're n*. I've seen so little stories about people actually v* because of nv*, it's more or less a underlying issue that you should get treated for. (Gerd, depression, acid reflux, etc)
• Anxiety will make anything thats happening 10x worse. I know it's easier said to just "calm down" but when the panic attack passes, look back on it and realize how much anxiety effected you in the situation. 9.9999 times out of 10, anxiety is making you're n* so much worse.
• DO NOT DO RESEARCH. Under any circumstances should you do research. You know it wouldn't be as bad if you didn't do research what causes you to v*. I would go back in time personally to stop myself from looking stuff up. IGNORANCE IS BLISS
• You are going to be okay, I promise you <3 :>

Maximus and Dane are good, they represent the good part of the BOS. Titus and Quintus are evil, they represent the evil in the BOS. In the fallout series we have seen really one time where a BOS chapter has had a morally "good" leader and that was Owen and Shara Lyons, but all of the other leaders have been evil when it comes to the betterment of mankind. Arthur Maxon truly only cares about one thing and that is power and if he were to be given enough power then after he destroyed the institute he would destroy goodneighbor then take resources from Dimond city and he would keep bleeding the commonwealth of its resources until he has bleed it dry. In episode 8 of the fallout tv show the BOS killed a bunch of innocents just to get the cold fusion artifact just because they wanted it for themselves. There are people who want to rebuild humanity but they often don't have just enough power to do that or they have too much infighting or a bit of both. The minutemen of fallout 4 want to rebuild but due to infighting and people just saying that they will "lead" just to get more power just for personal gain or to "sit" on it was the reason why they fell apart. I personally think that the cannon ending to fallout 4 is the minutemen ending and I also think that they destroyed Maxon's chapter of the BOS because they started to go to settlements to demand food and even to hurt people for it, doesn't that make them just glorified raiders? The NCR is good but they stretched themselves way too thin to the point where it was way too easy for spys from other organizations to cause chaos within the government as we saw in fallout new vegas. One good thing about evil factions is that they usually have flaws that can become their downfall in an instant like the Maxon's chapter of the BOS, they can be destroyed by artillery, the Institute is in one single place, if their reactor blows up the they are gone for good. With Mr.house all you need to do is to kill him the his robot army doesn't have anyone to take orders from. I would like to see a the commonwealth become a nation that is defended by the minutemen after they get fixed and I would especially like to see a commonwealth-NCR alliance. All the good guys need is the right people, planning and resources.

Hi everyone! I’m exactly one week post OP I had ACL reconstruction with allograft, MCL, LCL and meniscus repair My doctor’s instructions were to not put weight on my feet, walk as little as possible, but bend my knee and work my way up to 90º 2 weeks post up As you can imagine, I’ve been laying down in bed or sitting in the couch all day Yesterday and today I’ve had horrible pain in the Achilles tendon area, all the way from my heel to my calf. Just wondering if anyone has had anything similar and what you guys did to help with it? My mom has been helping by massaging the area but it hurts to even move my foot

(continuation of part 1)

III. Searching for Aerith Beyond FFVII

There were absolutely no answers in *Remake* or OG (at this point in my research, *Rebirth* wasn’t released yet), no matter how much I looked; nothing at all hinted at how Cloud could’ve obtained the memories of OG that emerge in *Remake* as MOTFs. I knew I had to look elsewhere to search for more clues, so I decided to check every piece of media ever released by SE with a mention of Cloud or Aerith in it, digging for hints in the compilation and beyond.
And boy, did I find them.
III. a) Core Worlds and Suspension Worlds
There are a couple of general *FF* rules that we need to establish before going forward.
It’s important to note that there are multiple realms in which the FF stories take place, each with a different name, history and society. This ensures that all FF stories occur separately, never intercepting or interacting— though they do have creatures like moogles and chocobos in common, as well as concepts like airships, gil, magic and some form of crystal. For simplicity, I will refer to these separate worlds in which the numbered FF games (FFI, FFII, FFIII, etc) occur as “core worlds”.
Characters from different core worlds may appear together in non-numbered *FF* games, the events of which have no impact on the core world at all: it seems that sometime after a *FF* character has reached the end of their core world’s plot-line, they may somehow be summoned to far-removed realms where they will face new adventures. I call these far-removed realms “suspension worlds”. One example of a *FF* game that takes place in a suspension world is *Dissidia Final Fantasy*, wherein characters from multiple core worlds unite to accomplish a mission as a team.
III. b) Final Fantasy Tactics
First on our list of non-compilation SE games to explore is 1997’s *Final Fantasy Tactics* (*FFT*), a game whose plot takes place in the suspension world of Ivalice. Let’s plot out the relevant events, and then analyze!
III. b) i. Fact-Finding
The main character of *FFT*, Ramza, encounters a brunette flower peddler with Aerith’s iconic, gravity-defying bangs:
\"Aeris\" in FFT's Ivalice
If you choose to buy a flower from her, she express her relief: apparently, business isn’t going well because no one is interested in flowers. The girl wistfully dreams aloud:

“When is my knight in shining armor going to take me away from here...?”

Later, Ramza and his companions encounter a mysterious machine that can summon people from across universes. The machine is activated, and a rather rude young man with spiky blonde hair appears. Cloud claims he used to be in SOLDIER, and says the last thing he remembers is “getting stuck in the current”. He looks to be disoriented and lost, and suffers from piercing headaches. Mere moments after being summoned to Ivalice, Cloud rambles:

“What’s this? My fingers are tingling… My eyes… they’re burning… Stop… stop it [Se]phiroth…”

He dashes out of the room, but not without announcing:

“I must go… must go to that place…”

Outside, Cloud encounters the brunette flower girl Ramza met earlier. She offers Cloud a flower, but he only stares at her wordlessly:

“Flower girl: Buy a flower? Only 1 gil.
Cloud: …
Flower girl: Something wrong? Do I resemble someone?”
Cloud: No… it’s nothing.”

As soon as Cloud leaves, a gang of ruffians surround the flower girl and start harassing her, demanding payment that’s apparently overdue. One of them finally calls her by her name: “Aeris”. He grabs her, insinuating that he might sexually assault her in lieu of payment. Aeris is not strong enough to push him away. That’s when Cloud returns:

“Cloud: Get your hand off her!
Thug: What did you say!?
Cloud: Didn't you hear me? Get your dirty hand off her!
[…]
Cloud, to Aeris: Go… now.”

Aeris heeds Cloud’s advice, fleeing the scene before a fight between Cloud and the thug can break out. After Cloud scares the ruffians off with the help of Ramza and his companions, he speaks once more:

“I lost… something very important… Ever since, I’ve been lost […]. What should I do? What about this pain [?] Must go… to the Promised Land.”

III. b) ii. Fact Analysis
There’s a lot to unpack here, all of which you probably clocked in your head upon reading, but let’s put it down in writing.
While *FFT* Cloud’s memory is far from perfect, the Aeris he encounters in Ivalice doesn’t recognize him at all. *FFVII Ultimania Omega* addresses this question without answering it:

“[The flower seller’s] name is Aeris, and she has the same appearance and tone of voice as the Aeris of FFVII. However, when she comes across Cloud, she does not recognize him. Could she really be the same Aerith who appears in FFVII but with memory loss, or is she a completely different character?” (“#4 Proof of Omega”, “FFVII in Other Games”, “Final Fantasy Tactics”, page 560).

Regardless of her unknown identity and inability to recognize Cloud, FFT Aeris’ fantasy of a “knight in shining armor” is quite reminiscent of the flower girl/bodyguard dynamic we’ve come to know and love. Cloud’s armor doesn’t shine, but in my opinion, if you’re looking for the dystopian, corporatocratic equivalent of a knight, you can’t get much closer than a supposed-former-SOLDIER-turned-bodyguard. Additionally, despite his rude and cold attitude toward Ramza’s gang, the urgency with which Cloud swoops in to save the flower girl from the ruffians betrays a softer, warmer side to him: the flower girl/bodyguard dynamic strikes again!
*FFT* Cloud’s dialogue borrows two lines from the speech OG Cloud makes as Aerith lies dead in his arms (disk 1, chapter 28): “My fingers are tingling. My mouth is dry. My eyes are burning!” and “What are we supposed to do? What about my pain?” You might’ve noticed that this glimpse of grief Cloud experiences in *FFT* bears a resemblance to the fourth MOTF 4 experienced by *Remake* Cloud (see section “II. a)”). Could it be that *FFT* Cloud and *Remake* Cloud have something in common?
Shortly after being summoned to Ivalice, *FFT* Cloud declares that he must go to “that place”, a mysterious line that is later elucidated when he tells Ramza that he must go to the Promised Land and find the “very important” thing he’s lost. The Promised Land is the Cetra culture’s afterlife, meaning *FFT* Cloud is looking for someone who’s died, someone “very important” to him. OG suggests this is none other than Aerith:

“Cait Sith, reading Cloud’s fortune: You will find [what] you pursue. However, you will lose the most precious thing” (disk 1, chapter 16, English translation by Kotaku’s “Let’s Mosey: A Slow Translation of Final Fantasy Seven: Part Eight” by Tim Rogers, 9:42-9:52).
“Cloud, after seeing Aerith’s hand reach for him through the Lifestream: … I think I'm beginning to understand.
Tifa: What?
Cloud: An answer from the Planet… the Promised Land... I think I can meet her... there” (disk 3, chapter 3).

Finally, let’s try to understand where on the OG timeline Cloud was summoned to this suspension world from and what he remembers. His comment about getting stuck in a current has to be about the Lifestream; apparently, on top of its atemporal nature, it can act as a conduit to other worlds. One only enters the Lifestream if they’ve somehow fallen into the core of the planet or once they’ve passed away and returned to the planet. Both scenarios merit consideration.
On the one hand, it’s possible that Cloud was summoned to Ivalice after he and Tifa fall into the core of the planet: this point in the FFVII OG timeline occurs after Aerith’s death and shortly before Cloud finds out he was never SOLDIER, which matches the gaps in FFT Cloud’s memory quite well. However, this scenario does not account for the vagueness with which FFT Cloud remembers Aerith and her death. Most importantly, Cloud’s realization that he can find Aerith in the Promised Land occurs much later in the game (FFVII OG, disk 3, chapter 3) than when he falls into the Lifestream with Tifa (FFVII OG, disk 2, chapter 8).
On the other hand, FFT Cloud’s vague yet persistent memories of Aerith suggest that he’s been summoned to Ivalice after his eventual death post-OG, but also that he’s lost quite a large portion of his memories. His incomplete memory loss is likely the result of Cloud’s individuality’s erosion by the Lifestream after death, which we discussed in section “II. a) ii.”. We can therefore surmise that by the time he is summoned to Ivalice from the Lifestream, Cloud has been dead for long enough that the Lifestream eroded a large portion of the memories of his lifetime. This post-death scenario is likelier than the first. The memory of Cloud’s realization that he was never SOLDIER must be gone, which explains why he claims otherwise upon being summoned to Ivalice. Contrastingly, vestiges of Cloud’s OG memories of Aerith cling to his soul, even after others have been wiped clean. Could this be a consequence of their soulmate bond? Could the strength of Cloud’s love and grief for Aerith have made his memories of her stronger and more difficult for the Lifestream to erode? Could it be both?
One thing is clear: Aerith is of fundamental importance to Cloud, even when he can’t quite remember her. In fact, the only other character he remembers and/or mentions in *FTT* is Sephiroth. It does make sense that the memories of those who have marked one’s soul forevermore would be the most difficult for the Lifestream to erode.
III. c) Dissidia Final Fantasy
The next stop on our travels through suspension worlds is 2008’s Dissidia Final Fantasy! Now strap in, because here’s where things get really serious.
III. c) i. Fact Finding
In the suspension world of *Dissidia Final Fantasy* (*DFF*), the goddess of harmony Cosmos and the god of discord Chaos are engaged in a never-ending cycle of conflict. Both deities need warriors to fight on their behalf, so they recruit core world characters into their respective teams by summoning them to *DFF*. Some of these summoned characters are *FFIV*’s Cecil, *FFVI*’s Terra, *FFVII*’s Sephiroth, *FFX*’s Tidus, and of course, *FFVII*’s Cloud. The warriors find themselves in the suspension world of *DFF* with no memories of their core worlds’ plotlines. However, as the *DFF* adventure progresses, they are able to recover pieces of their memories here and there. It isn’t clear how much they come to remember. Ultimately, the warriors hope to return home to their core worlds by fighting in this war and seeing to its end.
Cloud is summoned to *DFF* as a warrior on the side of Chaos, who seeks to destroy all existence. Sephiroth is also on Chaos’ side, meaning the two are teammates despite being enemies in their core world of *FFVII*. It just so happens that Tifa is a summoned warrior in *DFF* too, though she’s fighting on Cosmos’ side. Intrigued by her vague familiarity, Sephiroth hypothesizes that killing Tifa will bring back his memories of OG’s plot line: before long, the masamune wielder finds Tifa alone and corners her into a one-on-one fight. Thankfully, Cloud swoops in and saves her before Sephiroth can do any harm. Tifa is thankful for Cloud’s help, though confused that Cloud would elect to assist her and turn against a fellow warrior of Chaos; she doesn’t remember what Sephiroth and Cloud mean to each other in OG. In fact, Tifa doesn’t even remember Cloud’s name or that they share a core world, though Cloud feels somewhat familiar to her. For his part, Cloud at least remembers that Tifa is someone he cares about from his core world. As Tifa thanks Cloud for saving her from Sephiroth, something she says elicits an odd reaction from the warrior of Chaos:

“Tifa: The way you showed up and fought that guy off. It was a pretty cool thing to watch. You were like a hero, charging in to save the girl.
Cloud gasps at her words. She doesn’t notice” (Dissidia 012: Treachery of the Gods, report 5: “Unexpected Fulfillment 2”).

On another note, Cloud knows he will have to fight Tifa once the Cosmos-Chaos conflict comes to a head, as they are on opposing teams. He thinks to himself:

“Once [her] memories return, [she]’ll lose the will to fight just like I have. So... Before that can happen, I have to act...” (Dissidia 012: Treachery of the Gods, report 5: “Unexpected Fulfillment 2”).

In order to end the cycle of the conflict and to avoid fighting Tifa, Cloud decides to try and defeat Chaos himself. Predictably, Cloud is no match for the deity. As he dies, Cloud pleads the following to the goddess Cosmos:

“Cosmos, goddess of harmony. If you can hear me, listen to my plea. I beg you. Save her. Save my friend… Tifa.”

Cosmos hears him and responds immediately:

“Cosmos: An end to this conflict, and a life spared? This is your heart's desire? If your will remains unchanged, I shall bring you here when the battle draws to a close. Cloud. My chosen" (Dissidia 0.13: Treachery of the Gods, report 7: “Unexpected Fulfillment 3”).

Cloud’s wish is granted by Cosmos: the first phase of the conflict ends without Tifa getting hurt, and she is sent away from the suspension world of DFF before the second phase begins. Cloud is saved from death, and Cosmos enlists him into her team of warriors for phase two: this time, Cloud is fighting on the good side.
Now we enter phase two of the war. Cosmos tells her team of ten core world warriors that in order to save the world from Chaos’ destruction, they must collect what she describes as crystals containing the power to persist through darkness. I call these the “*DFF* crystals”. There are ten *DFF* crystals in total: one for every warrior on Cosmos’ group to find. To obtain their crystal, each hero must overcome a trial that will confront them with whatever personal struggle they faced in their core world; if they prove themselves worthy, their *DFF* crystal will appear to them. On one hand, some warriors’ *DFF* crystals simply take the form the crystals found in their core world. For example, Onion Knight’s *DFF* crystal looks to be nothing more than one of *FFIII*’s elemental crystals, which hold little to no personal significance to him. On the other hand, some warriors’ *DFF* crystals symbolize something more personal to their respective warriors. For instance, Cecil’s *DFF* crystal looks to be one of *FFIV*’s dark crystals, which specifically represent the dichotomy of light and darkness he struggles with in his core world’s plot-line. Cosmos describes the quest for the *DFF* crystals as follows:

“Cosmos: The crystals embody the strength to face despair. With ten gathered, there is hope yet to save the world. The path to your crystal will be perilous... and different for each and every one of you. But you must believe in and follow your own path. Even if you know not where that path leads" (Dissidia 013: Light to All, prologue: “A Final Hope”).

From this exposition, simply keep in mind that: Cloud must find his crystal by overcoming a personal trial, and his crystal may have the appearance of an object in OG that’s important to him.
Once the team is debriefed on their mission, Cloud remains reticent to fight; he doesn’t much like the mysterious nature of this conflict. Not knowing exactly what they’re all fighting for is clearly bothersome to the swordsman, and the idea of thoughtlessly engaging in battles leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Fellow warrior Firion understands that without a reason to fight, Cloud’s heart just isn’t in it. He imparts upon Cloud that he must have a dream he’s fighting to protect, something he wants to see come true, to motivate him to stop Chaos from destroying all existence. Unfortunately, Cloud doesn’t have a dream to preserve, or can’t find one for himself:

“Cloud: I've looked, but I'm still empty-handed. And without a dream, what do you suppose I should do? […] Maybe what I'm looking for... isn't here” (Dissidia 0.13: Light to All, chapter 1: “Beyond Doubt”, “Gateway of Good and Evil”).

Another fellow warrior, Cecil, expresses worry for Cloud, whose response evokes the main theme of FFVII OG:

“Cecil: Everyone's worried, Cloud. But... Do you shoulder a larger concern?
Cloud: Concern... Maybe a sense of loss" (Dissidia 0.13: Light to All, chapter 1: “Beyond Doubt”, “Beyond the Continent”).

Whatever Cloud is looking for “isn’t [there]”, and he feels “a sense of loss”: Cloud’s motivating dream has been lost to him. This is later reasserted in a conversation with Terra, another warrior of Cosmos:

“Terra: And you, Cloud... What's your dream?
Cloud: I've lost mine" (Dissidia 0.13: Light to All, chapter 3: “The Chosen Battle”, “Gateway of True Intent”).

Later, Cloud encounters and fights Sephiroth, who is still a part of Chaos’ team. Sephiroth is defeated, but not before he’s taunted Cloud with his habitual puppet talk. However, Cloud remains strong and refutes Sephiroth’s manipulation, asserting that only he can determine his own path. This must’ve been Cloud’s personal trial, because his crystal appears at that very moment: it is a small, light green orb that looks like materia from his core world. Having pocketed his crystal, Cloud decides he must find his own reason to fight. Interestingly, his search is depicted as intertwined with Fate:

“Cloud: Even if I have my doubts... I have to find my own answer […] Until then, I'll keep fighting.
Narration: The warrior has vowed to keep fighting— and keep fighting he will […]. Etched in destiny, his quest for answers continues on” (Dissidia 0.13: Light to All, chapter 1: “Beyond Doubt”, “Gulg Gateway”).

Later, the nemeses meet again in a segment called “Recurring Tragedy”. Their interactions here are particularly interesting. Sephiroth speaks of making Cloud suffer through despair and pain as though referencing their history together: 

"Sephiroth: This disease called hope is eating you alive. The world of suffering was born out of such half-baked ideals.
Cloud: If that's the case, I have to endure the suffering. There's no moving on if I run from it.
Sephiroth: If that is what you wish for, you shall drown in the pain. I'll lead you to true despair. [My] shadow is burned into your heart. We'll meet again, Cloud. I'll keep coming back— as long as you are who you are."
Sephiroth disappears. Cloud looks out into the distance before the scene ends.
“Cloud: No thanks. The one I really want to meet is…” (Dissidia 013: Light to All, epilogue: “Conclusion of a Cycle”, “Recurring Tragedy”).

This final line suggests Cloud has finally found a reason to fight: he wants to meet someone unspecified.
Finally, after the war has ended, we arrive at the final cutscene of *DFF*. I will let you read the full script, with notes added by me **in bold** behind the spoiler censors. Please do not read my notes if you do not wish to encounter spoilers for *FFI*, *FFII, FFIII, FFIV, FFV, FFVI, FFVIII, FFIX or FFX*:

“[The] heroes are all standing together in a grassy field with a forest behind them. Birds are chirping, the sun is shining brightly, and the wind is blowing gently. The heroes look around them in awe. They're all holding their crystals.
WoL: The battle has come to an end...
Tidus notices that his crystal has begun to emanate a blue glow.>! His crystal is a movie sphere from his core world of FFX**: a capsule containing sounds and images that people record for later viewing. Tidus’ crystal likely represents the specific movie sphere recorded by his love interest Yuna, which revealed that she’d loved him from the beginning**.!<
Tidus: Gotta go, huh...
The blue glow transfers to him as well. He turns to look at the others
[…] Tidus grins at the others, then turns and runs toward a nearby lake. He leaps into it in a manner reminiscent of [the events] of FFX. He vanishes as he descends toward the lake.
Zidane: We're not vanishing. We're returning—
Zidane is sitting on a tree limb as he says this. His crystal begins to glow gold, as does he. His crystal is shaped like a highly important ‘progenitor of all life’ crystal from his core world of FFIX**.**
Zidane: — to where we're supposed to be.
Zidane spins around the tree limb with the use of his tail and launches toward the sun. He's lost to view.
A white feather then drifts down from that direction and Squall catches it. The feather is reminiscent of his love Rinoa Heartilly, whose character symbol is a white feather. In fact, Squall’s crystal looks like a mix of his revolver gunblade from FFVIII and Rinoa’s feather motif. [Squall glows blue.]
Squall: Perhaps we can go on a mission together again.
Squall vanishes.
Cloud is then visible, standing in [a] flower field. The flowers are white and yellow. Cloud has his crystal, a light green materia from his core world of FFVII**, in hand.**
Cloud: [(Chuckles shortly, like a scoff)] Not interested.
Cloud walks off into the flower field, gaining a green glow. He vanishes.
A snowflake then falls into Terra's right hand as her crystal begins to glow pink. The flames drawn on her crystal represent her power, which is connected to the element of fire: her character arc in FFVI**.**
Terra: I think I've learned how to keep going. Thank you— and take care.
Terra glows pink and then vanishes. Bartz throws a stick. He's glowing pink as well.
Bartz: When you're having the most fun, that's when time always flies. His crystal is the Adamantite from his core world of FFV**.**
Bartz vanishes.
Cecil: It's mine to pass on—
A moon appears behind Cecil and goes through its phases as he begins to glow blue. His crystal has shadowed and illuminated parts, representing the duality of his character, which is central to his personal arc in his core world of FFIV**. It also represents his brother Golbez, who has chosen the darkness. Cecil considers his familial bond with Golbez his guiding light and hopes to be with him someday**.
Cecil: — this strength I've gained from everyone.
Cecil vanishes.
Onion Knight hugs his crystal and looks up toward the sky. His crystal is shaped like those found in his core world of FFIII.
Onion Knight: Everyone... thank you!
OK briefly glows blue and then vanishes.
There are wild roses at Firion's feet. He and WoL are looking toward the sky. WoL suddenly begins walking away while Firion looks down and sees the roses.
Firion: This isn't the end. Another dream is waiting to begin.
His crystal is the color of the wild roses that were at the center of his dream and of his motivation to fight Chaos. The roses are also the emblem of the Rebel Army he was a part of in his core world of FFII. His crystal is shaped like Pandaemonium, the final dungeon of his core world story. Firion gains a violet glow and then vanishes.
WoL is walking through the field and then comes to a stop. He's looking at something.
WoL: May the light forever shine upon us.”

As you can see, everyone’s crystal is very important to the story of their core world, and in the cases of at least Tidus, Squall, Terra and Cecil, the crystals represent something very personal. What about Cloud and his crystal, then? What about the dream he lost and the person he wants to meet? Let’s begin analyzing to answer these questions.
III. c) ii. Fact Analysis
Firstly, it’s clear to me that the Cloud that appears in *DFF* is a post-OG Cloud, given how many plot points from OG he interacts with. I’m reticent to say whether or not this post-OG Cloud is dead like in *FFT*, as he recovers many of his memories of OG during *DFF* and there is no evidence of him having passed away and joined the Lifestream.
The second thing I’d like to point out is Cloud’s strange reaction when Tifa compared him to a hero who swoops in and saves the girl from the bad guy. Cloud gasps, indicating that her words mean something to him; the trope Tifa references must therefore be included somewhere in the *FFVII* OG plot-line. Some of you are surely ahead of me by now, having realized that only the tragic antithesis of this trope appears in OG: Cloud is unable to save Aerith from Sephiroth (disk 1, chapter 28). Whether or not *DFF* Cloud remembers Aerith herself at this point, it’s clear he recalls the pain and guilt of losing Aerith to Sephiroth.
Next, let’s address Cloud’s lost dream: to meet an unspecified person. It seems Cloud is aware at this point that in OG, he was eternally separated from the person he dreams of meeting. So, who was he separated from in his core world? Who can he never meet again, even if his team of warriors defeat Chaos and Cloud returns to the realm of *FFVII*? There are a few options —his mother, his father, Zack, Jessie, Biggs, Wedge, and any other person he knew who died—, but the sheer narrative weight that Aerith’s untimely death carries makes it clear who he truly wants to meet. This is corroborated by Cloud’s “I think I can meet her… there” line in OG (disk 3 chapter 3), by *FFT* Cloud’s search for Aerith during his appearance in Ivalice, and by Cloud’s strange reaction to Tifa’s comparing him to a hero who swoops in and saves the girl from the bad guy. All the available evidence suggests that Cloud’s dream is indeed to reunite with Aerith, and that this dream is “lost” to him because she was killed by Sephiroth (disk 1, chapter 28). This would also explain the title of the *DFF* segment “Recurring Tragedy”, since as we all know, the ultimate tragedy of *FFVII* OG is Aerith’s death. Considering Sephiroth was the one to take Aerith away from Cloud, Sephiroth’s threats of drowning him in despair in “Recurring Tragedy” only solidify this interpretation of Cloud’s lost dream.
Finally, we arrive at the ending cutscene. Cosmos’ warriors return to where they belong to try and accomplish whatever dream they held as motivation during the Cosmos-Chaos conflict, each carrying their *DFF* crystal. Cloud is shown standing in a field of white and yellow flowers and walking deeper into it with a light green materia in hand. Why was a white and yellow flower field chosen to represent *DFF* Cloud’s dream? The answer is obvious. White and yellow flowers symbolize Aerith: she sold Cloud a yellow blossom upon first meeting him in OG (disk 1, chapter 1), and her yellow and white flowerbed cushioned Cloud’s fall when the two reunited in the Sector 5 church (disk 1, chapter 4). What’s more, we have the [iconic credits video of the original cut of *Advent Children*](https://youtu.be/PqJ8Y8Nd9KE?si=O\_QolO-iNsDmZWR6) to refer to, wherein Cloud is seen driving near flower fields. Aerith stands there (3:20), seemingly waiting for him. Here’s what Nomura had to say about this credits scene:

"[...] we filmed the video for the ending credits in Hawaii. There are fields of flowers on both sides of the road, and the colors —yellow and white— are the same as the flowers in Aerith's church […]. With Aerith, 'flowers' have been her image throughout the series” (FFVII Reunion Files, “Countdown to Reunion”, “Stories from CG Production”, page 87).

Even in the Advent Children Complete cut of the film, where Aerith is not shown standing in the field, the flowers and their symbolism of Aerith remain. That being so, it’s more than fair to say that the white and yellow flowers in DFF’s ending cutscene serve as yet another confirmation that Cloud’s dream is to be with Aerith.
With all of this established, we can address the nature of Cloud’s *DFF* crystal. As we established, every core world has its own version of a crystal, each possessing a distinct appearance, function and meaning. Materia are the crystals of *FFVII*, so one could be satisfied by the proposition that Cloud’s *DFF* crystal is simply meant to represent a random materia. However, I think Cloud’s crystal is specifically the White Materia, as it represents Aerith’s sacrifice, her importance to the plot and what she died fighting for. If any one object symbolizes her death, it’s the White Materia; it’s even given closeups during the [event](https://youtu.be/Wx3duFYCcho?si=Zg332l6dMLwpZMF2&t=150) (2:33-3:02). Besides, unlike any other materia in *FFVII*, the White Materia is known to glow a light green when Holy has been activated:

“Bugenhagen: If [the prayer] reaches the planet, the White Materia will begin to glow a pale green” (FFVII OG, disk 2, chapter 15).

Here are pictures of the materia so you can compare for yourself:
https://preview.redd.it/0qtumfeyfq0d1.jpg?width=386&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3995f010738c83fca0c5842a0564d0a9ad206dfd
https://preview.redd.it/0kj525tzfq0d1.jpg?width=1144&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=575573ef1d2c937635cf569d4a376886a24b384c
Cloud's DFF Crystal
Cloud’s DFF crystal
So far, in both suspension world games we’ve examined (*FFT* and *DFF*), Cloud is searching for Aerith. As a final note on *DFF*, it may interest you to know that codirector of the *Remake* trilogy Toriyama was actually a writer for *DFF*: he may have carried some themes from *DFF* to *Remake*…
III. d) Detour: The Final Fantasy 30th Anniversary Farewell Exposition
Before we hop onto the next suspension world, let’s return to ours for a quick detour: the 2018 *Final Fantasy* 30th Anniversary Expo. Themed with farewells and tragedy, this expo showcased the heartbreaking goodbyes featured in different *FF* games. Artwork, clips, quotes and images aplenty here! As the highly anticipated *Remake* was going to be coming out approximately a year and a half later, the *FFVII* section of the expo featured a few sneak peek *Remake* designs. This means the expo was at least partly curated with the *Remake* trilogy in mind; there could be interesting material in the *FFVII* section of the expo related to *Remake*. Let’s dive in!
Unsurprisingly, the focus of the *FFVII* section is Cloud and Aerith, since she is the loved one he lost in OG. Zack is also given a mention, however Aerith was the glaringly central star of the show. To showcase how important Aerith’s farewell in particular was to the expo, the *FFVII* portion was introduced by a photo of Cloud lowering Aerith into her watery grave and a video of her tragic death:
Final Fantasy 30th Anniversary Farewell Exposition, FFVII Introduction
The description under the video screen reads:

“She was gone in the blink of an eye. But the pain never went away.
Aerith awoke the ultimate magic to protect the planet and the people she loved. Yet her life came to a sudden end at the hands of Sephiroth, a man bent on seeing the world destroyed. Even the usually stoic Cloud couldn’t hide his grief at the unexpected death of an irreplaceable companion. ‘My fingers are tingling. My mouth is dry. My eyes are burning.’ True words, revealing Cloud’s deep sorrow” (Final Fantasy 30th Anniversary Exposition).

Conveniently enough for us, the expo’s tagline is “Who is the person you want to meet again?” Given that Aerith holds the spotlight in the FFVII section of the expo, it’s clear who SE is telling us Cloud wants to reunite with. Recall Cloud’s unfinished line in DFF: “The one I really want to meet is..." (Dissidia 013: Light to All, epilogue: “Conclusion of a Cycle”, “Recurring Tragedy”). We theorized that he must be referring to Aerith, and now, we are certain.
The expo also had pamphlet descriptions of the farewells depicted. Here is the general summary of *FFVII*‘s farewell story according to that pamphlet:

“The story follows the lead character Cloud, but it is the heroine, Aerith, who opens Cloud’s eyes and helps bring him closer to understanding the mystery that is his past. Through her, we draw closer to the truth of the story.
This scene, in which the heroine Aerith is lost, is easily the most shocking and tragic in the story. No one expected to say goodbye to such a major character in the middle of the story. Rumors of a secret way to revive Aerith spread, and it was clear players were having a hard time saying goodbye to her too. Even now, twenty years later, it still feels like a shocking turn of events” (Final Fantasy 30th Anniversary Exposition Pamphlet, page 36).

It’s interesting that SE would mention the rumors of Aerith’s revival circulated by players back in 1997, especially as fans were awaiting Remake’s release…
In light of everything we’ve analyzed so far, it can be said that between *FFT* (1997) and this farewell expo (2018), SE has consistently demonstrated that reuniting with Aerith is post-OG Cloud’s goal. That’s a period of over two decades— two decades of wishing, seeking, longing in real-world time for this character. This is a huge long-term commitment for SE to make, and you can bet the devs don’t take it lightly. Again and again, once the events of the OG game have ended, Cloud is shown to desire a reunion with Aerith. This ever-present and ever-insistent theme will become very important to us later in this post.

Due to neglect from my parents, failing to get me to dentist appointments in school, I had what I feel is probably the worst day of my life...
(TW for mention/details of surgery, hospital stuff, vomiting, and more unpleasant stuff)
Had to wake up super early to go out of town to an oral surgeon, they had to see me almost an hour late because the X-ray machine was down, the topical numbing stuff was probably the most vile tasting thing I've ever tasted, then after waiting long enough that it basically wore off, I got like, ten different injections to numb my mouth and gums and such. Was one of the most painful experiences I've ever had.
Then, I had to sit there for like, 45 minutes, maybe an hour, as they jabbed, dig out, twisted, pulled, yanked, broke, cut, and otherwise removed the remaining eight or nine teeth I had on top. Every jab, every clank off my teeth, the cracking, breaking, and crushing of my teeth, the intense pressure being exerted on my skull as they were forcibly removed... One tooth basically exploded, and I saw some of my blood hit the surgeons face mask...
They sewed up the smaller holes as they went. By the time I was done, I was a massive ball of anxiety. Even though I didn't feel any pain for the most part, the anticipation, all the feelings and sensations, it was just... So much...
They sent me off, and after driving to the ferry, and then maybe a half hour after getting off the ferry, I started to feel nauseous and sick. My arms and legs started going numb. I was getting dizzy.
I'd had some issues with the gauze they gave me, and I wasn't able to hold it for an hour like they wanted me to. I couldn't keep it in place because of the teeth I was missing on the bottom row. So I'd had all this blood pooling in my mouth for over an hour.
Eventually I started panicking a bit, and I had to have my sister who was driving take me to the nearest emergency room. Then I had to wait like two hours in one of the most uncomfortable places I've ever been, while the numbing started to fade and my gums continued to bleed and the pain started to come into play...
There were two different people I'm pretty sure were experiencing some kind of drug withdrawal. One was curling up in different chairs, throwing up several times into a bag, and unfortunately he also made a mess of the chairs he'd sat in.
Then a cop brought in some girl who kept calling out to people that I don't think were there. Then randomly start crying, stop just as fast, etc.
Eventually I got to be seen, they figured out my blood sugar wasn't low like I'd thought. (One of the meds I take can cause it to drop) I was basically dehydrated, dealing with anxiety, and the numbing stuff they used also used an adrenaline thing which was making everything worse.
So they said they'd give me some meds to help with everything and send me on my way. Another half hour or so later, I got everything and I was on my way home.
Unfortunately, that isn't the end of my terrible day... As I'd had all that blood continuously pooling up, I was inadvertently swallowing a bunch of it without realizing, as my mouth was numb and I couldn't entirely control everything at the time.
I'd felt a little better when we got on the road again, but then everything started to come back, all the anxious feelings, the nausea, the numbness in my arms and legs.
I had to tell my sister to pull over, and I basically fell out of the car to my hands and knees and started throwing up a wonderful mixture of blood, spit, and water. It was excruciating...
Eventually I managed to settle down... My arms and legs were still shaking, but after cleaning up we were back on the road. Unfortunately... By the time we'd made it basically back to town, I had to stop again...
This time I was throwing up this awful brown liquid, which I assume was more blood and stomach bile, which is just as pleasant as it sounds... My sister had to stop at Walmart on the way back because her kid needed baby formula, and that's the only place in town that has the kind her baby drinks.
So I had to have her call a friend of mine to meet us there so he could take me home. She was also getting me some stuff I could have without needing to chew, like applesauce, yogurt, etc. but I didn't wanna risk throwing up in the store, and I didn't wanna sit and wait in the car feeling miserable either.
Thankfully, that was pretty much the last of it. One of the spots on my gums is still bleeding a little bit, but it's settled down for the most part. The pain in my gums has also thankfully gone away thanks to some ibuprofen. At least as long as I'm not messing with anything. My cheeks and lip actually hurt more than my gums tbh... Probably due to the fact my upper lip was swollen to the point that my nostrils were almost closed off as well for a bit.
But because of everything else, I basically had to throw out the shirt I was wearing because I couldn't keep from spilling blood on it. As a nice little cherry on top I guess... (Or maybe it's the fact that my birthday is tomorrow 🙃)
This was without a doubt, the worst day I've ever had. I still need to have a couple more teeth put, and I refuse to go through that again. I'm going to tell them I need to be put under to do it, or I'm telling them to do fillings and crowns instead of pulling them.
I feel like this whole ordeal was traumatizing in a way I didn't know was possible tbh... Obviously everyone gets nervous with stuff like the dentist, but I think this has genuinely ruined my ability to go to the dentist anymore.
This past year I've been trying to get my life together, take care of myself, etc, because I decided that I actually want to live. I want to be happy. And I'm taking steps to do that. But God if this didn't make me second guess everything all day...

Hundreds of my friends and I have been playing on Buck's server for many years ane none of us have ever been banned. Everyone in the match is happy that the admins ban players who sit in vehicles the whole match farming tons of easy kills. 99%of players don't like to get picked off over and over by a vehicle whore.
~I see the same 5 or 6 people complaining about being banned for breaking a server rules on this Buck guys servers and comments from people who don't even own BF4.~
Bucks servers have 30 to 40 thousand favorites so he must be doing something right.
I sent this Buck guy a message and he said that there are only about 12 players banned for habitual farming. Buck said he gives them another chance to abide by the server rule and if they keep farming then they get banned. He said he's given many of them dozens of chances to abide by the no farming rule, takes off their ban but they come back and farm again, so the admins ban that farmier. That's what they deserve, we all despise vehicle whores.
Sitting in vehicles farming infantry is easy, no skill required, Dog fights in jets and choppers is where skill is needed.
Most players roll on foot and don't want to get picked off over and over by the 1% who are 247 vehicle whore/chopper farmers. Also I've seen this XWarmachine Hasbulla guy on BF4 for years, he's a notorious farmer, ruins the matches. What does he expect to happen if he farms on a server with a no farming rule.
Buck respects and commends skilled players, I went 125-42 on a one hour match on Locker one day and Buck sent me a message with a thumbs up, said "nice skills bro, the admins and I could see that you were legit, stock controller, no mnk, you're welcome on anytime.
Buck said that he and the admins warn players if they're sitting in vehicles farming and if them and if they keep farming after being warned about the server rule then they get banned. Again, we like that we can roll on foot and not get farmed by farmers like Xwarmachine the whole match.
One time I got a little carried away as a gunner in a chopper and Buck sent me a friendly reminder of the server rule. I have 100's of friends who play on Buck's servers for mny years and not one has ever been banned.
Intead of sitting in vehicles the whole match picking all of us off over and over, run and gun like the rest of us and you'll never get banned.
Thanks Buck for helping to keep BF4 going for the 99% who roll foot, your servers are the best on BF4. Don't trip on these player haters. Keep up the good work Buck.

Hi, sorry if this seems so jumbled. I just want to start of by saying I am NOT diagnosed. In the future I plan on seeking out an evaluation.
But anyways, one of the reasons I believe I may be autistic is due to the fact that I don't understand a lot of things socially. I'm quiet and polite, I'm kind. Most of the time I'm genuinely just chilling. I am kind to people because I know the world and people are cruel. I don't believe I'm like "creepily" overly kind where people feel as if I'm invasive. I have never understood why people talk badly about others behind their back and I don't participate. I find no reason to because why should I? It's their life, let them live it.
I also want to say I'm a young woman in her 20s and unfortunately women can be mean and sneaky and unfortunately it seems hard to find friends who are genuine.I'm not saying that to be offensive at all or to sound like the "I'm not like other girls". I genuinely just don't understand why. In high school it was of course especially bad. I'd have girl friends that would be genuinely nice for years. And suddenly it's like a weird mask comes off and they get jealous and angry. I wouldn't even call myself conveniently attractive so I don't believe to be a threat in terms of looks. I'd always respect boundaries regarding their boyfriends, never texted them and only hung out with them when my friend was around. I'd never even sit close to them. But it seems like a weird possessiveness would take over.
I had a best friend of over 5 years. We were inseparable. We laughed and cried together. But when I finally got a boyfriend (fiancé now) that treated me kindly (both of us unfortunately have a history of unstable and abusive relationships), it's like that mask came off and jealousy came roaring in. She suddenly stopped talking to me as much. After I moved in with him I'd offer her to come over (My fiancé would as well) I'd still try to face time her regularly, I'd text her and ask how she was doing. She would constantly make excuses as to why she wasn't talking as much and coming over. Unfortunately we had a very bad falling out which included her accusing me of abandoning her despite me reassuring her and making my best efforts to remain in contact. I felt awful because I never meant for her to feel that way. My fiancé would constantly reassure me it was jealousy and that it was her own problem and that I did the best I could. When I tried to speak to her calmly about it, it seemed she would attack my character and kept reiterating that I had abandoned her. After I moved she also began hanging around this guy, let's call him J. Who disliked me for no reason. I was friends with his fiancé and I used to think he was my friend too until my former best friend informed me he would talk badly about me when I was not there. That hurt me of course because I genuinely enjoyed his company and he was friendly to me. After I moved away she began hanging out with him more and she said later on how he was the only one there for her when she would question why I abandoned her.
That was a couple years ago now and as silly as it sounds in still greiveing it and trying to understand, not just the one incident but the similar ones I had growing up. I have trouble understanding how jealousy works, because I always celebrate my friends and family's achievements. What did I do wrong? I'm really sorry if this seems weird or not for this sub. I just thought that others here would understand the frustration of not fully understanding social norms.
So, TLDR: Please try to explain to autistic (possibly) woman why NT women are jealous all the time. Thank you.

Spoliers: I just finished Fleating Dream, the last main mission on Bastorias.
I'm kinda frustrated with how the story and characters gloss over the mistreatment and oppression of Rat bestrals. Right away, you can read an archive entry about how they've got it so bad they basically just do their best to stay out of sight, and sure enough I haven't met a single one besides Elgor.
It's hard for me to get behind all these characters heroically slaying the sole survivor of torturous experiments who wants to create a kingdom where his people can hold their heads high.
"If only you hadn't resorted to such vile methods, we could have worked together" - says Morard. Easy for you to say, man. Did Elgor really have much of a choice? Plus, vile methods?! I recruited Jeremy, he may have a heart of gold deep down, but the guy would gut his best friend for a nickle. Not to mention my former brainwashed companions.
Not saying we should be able to recruit the guy, but I'd at least feel a little better if even one of the Bastorian characters said they'd work to make Bastorias a better place for all its clans, including the rats. Not saying the liberation needs to solve bestral racism. But there's certainly a running theme of making things right across the land, so if they even acknowledged that they were taking steps, even simple changes in their own personal perspectives, I'd be happier.
It just doesn't sit right with me. I've got guys on my team who have done arguably just as much evil for way worse reasons (money) and they all treat Elgor like he got what was coming to him. And there's not another Rat bestral I can even speak with to get more perspective. Not a deal breaker or anything, just bugged me. Did it bug anyone else? Does it ever get brought up again? Please keep in mind that Fleating Dream is precisely where I'm at in the story, I'd rather not get spoiled on stuff past that point.

I should preface this by saying I’m not diagnosed. My psychiatrist said that he suspected it but long story short he’s not allowed to evaluate me.
It feels like my rejection wound will be the death of me. I am also diagnosed with social anxiety. All I do is worry and feel disgusting all day. Every interaction is exhausting. I’m constantly reading between the lines and feeling like people are judging me, trying to put themselves above me, or just in general look down on me/hate me. And then I feel bad after because deep down I know it’s not the case, they had no bad intentions. But in the moment it’s like I forget I ever had that line of thought and I honestly just get angry and then start extrapolating to things about their personhood. Like, for example, if I feel like someone is judging me I’ll sit there fuming like ‘maybe if you weren’t so judgemental you’d actually be happy.’ All I do is analyze in my head if people actually like me. When my friends are nice to me I just get scared. Because I know if I mess it up and they don’t like me anymore it’ll take me forever to make peace with it. And I feel empty because I’ve shown them a false version so they don’t even really know me.
I smoke a disgusting amount of weed because feeling makes me so uncomfortable. The anxiety is paralyzing. My mother has said she has been able to see my heart beating through my shirt, and I didn’t believe it until I saw it myself. The anger is all consuming, and I’m ashamed of the things it’s lead me to do. The sadness is overwhelming, the self disgust constant. I wanna learn how to accept the feelings but I don’t know how… So, how do you guys cope?

It wasn’t always bad. The first 4 years were pretty good. The occasional fight or spat, then we had our first kid and there was this weird subtle shift. Barely noticeable, but definitely there. I was dealing with being a new mom, fell into a pretty bad postpartum anxiety, to the point I had to quit my job because it had gotten so bad. He started coming home from work then sitting in the garage for hours or leaving the house at odd times. It took me 2 years to figure out that what he was doing in the garage was smoking meth. Leaving to buy meth and to meet up with other people because according to him I wasn’t satisfying him. But how was I to know that you can’t actually satisfy a meth addict, something about the high. I don’t know I’ve never done it.
Anyway, I forgave him and tried to help him with his addiction. Tried everything I could think of short of having him committed to a rehab facility involuntarily… which I don’t think I can do without a court order. I lasted 8 months doing this before I couldn’t do it anymore, but then I found out I was pregnant, weirdly I was on birth control…fun. I feel like I need to add here that although our second baby was a bit of a surprise she was very much a wanted baby… a baby I had planned to try for 4 months after I actually got pregnant and only if things had calmed down. Oh and I had also started working again 6 months prior.
Well things got worse, so much worse. 7 months into my pregnancy I found out that he had been having an affair with some girl 12 years his junior who he wanted to move into my house with our children and be in a relationship with this person and I was supposed to just accept it. On top of that I also figured out he was sleeping with multiple other people…While in a panic, I had a moment of clarity and I ran to my OB and had them run every possible STD test out there. And positive it came back. Thankfully it was bacterial, caught in time and my doctor was able to treat it and get rid of it with a round of antibiotics.
That was it for me. I ended it. 7 months pregnant with a toddler and single… super excited. I wish I could say things got better after that. But, as so often happens, things got worse. Now I was being threatened to be beat up by his girlfriend. I was so deeply depressed I was hardly eating anything. When the baby came (during the beginning of Covid lockdown, by the way), he slept while I labored, was visibly high while I gave birth and stayed exactly 1 hour after she was born and then took off and didn’t come back until it was time for us to go home. And only then he only came back because he had my car with the car seat and I begged him to come get us after he suggested my sister pick us up.
And yet, I was so embarrassed about the whole situation blaming myself entirely for all of it. After all I chose him. No one knew what was happening. No one knew of the cheating, the meth, that sweet little letter he wrote me to convince me to bring his girlfriend to live with us. His threats of suicide and self harm. Nothing. And then one night 2 years later I decided I needed to start dating and so I did… bad idea… it lasted 2 months before he hacked into my phone. My email, my everything and was watching my every move. I figured it out one night when my phone stopped working and I went to my provider to find out what was going on. They let me know someone had cloned my sim and had access to all my personal accounts… they showed me the number that had my sim… it was his phone… his excuse when I confronted him? “I had to know where my children were” mind you I had never lied to him or kept the kids from him, matter of fact I went out of my way to tell him where we were and how long we’d be. I moved out that night. I went to the house grabbed all essentials for the kids and myself and anything else I could possibly fit in my small SUV asked my parents if I could stay with them and never looked back.
Three months later I found a tracking device in my car. I now have a permanent restraining order against the guy and he’s worked himself out of having both physical and legal custody of the kids.
All that to say that in the 4 years since I left him, I’ve tried to date several times… and… I can’t seem to stay with it. I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of being hurt again. I’m afraid of someone hurting my children, not that they ever even meet them. I’m afraid of ending in the same place I am now. I’m afraid of putting that much effort into someone again. I don’t know how to make the fear disappear. I don’t know how to let anyone in again. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried just jumping into it and nothing. I end up running for the hills.
I’m not saying I need to be in a relationship, but it would be nice to not feel so afraid of it. So stuck in this bad place that I can’t open up to the even the possibility of it.

I'm out in California in the Bay Area. Growing up, it seemed like there were more hockey fans than there are now. These days, when I'm out and about, I barely see any fans. No one is wearing any gear or has any sort of hockey memorabilia on their car.
Ice hockey has gotten prohibitively expensive, making it accessible only to the rich. We used to have more inline hockey around here, but now there's only a barely surviving rink in Oakland and a league in San Jose.
I grew up playing street hockey, and there were more kids playing then than now. My mom would drive me around, and I would see multiple games break out. When I drive around now, I don't see any.
Instead, I see kids playing soccer and baseball, which leads me to why I'm feeling this way today. There's a local outdoor inline rink that never gets used for its intended purpose. The youth league is long gone. I see people skating in it, some guy takes his daughter there for cartwheels, and what else does it get used for? Soccer. That's what I saw today—a bunch of kids making use of a hockey rink for soccer.
I even went over and asked how often they use the rink for soccer, and the kids didn’t even know it was a hockey rink. Another didn’t even know what hockey was. The park was also full of kids playing baseball. You can’t tell me a bunch of kids would rather sit around bored in some outfield watching bugs, hoping something happens in baseball, compared to the constant action of street hockey. Also, if you’re a mom trying to get your overweight, video game-addicted kid off the couch, baseball isn’t going to help him lose weight, and he will probably hate how bored he is.
I don't see the future of hockey looking good. It’s a white-dominated sport in both participation and viewership, and it seems like white people just don’t want or have kids anymore. On top of that, the costs will keep only the richest from playing.
There still might be hope, though. We might need a top-down approach, but it could work. The NHL needs to require their local teams to sponsor in-line and street hockey, not just in the city they play in but on a regional level.
They need to help build inline rinks and donate equipment to schools for street hockey so it can be a sponsored sport like basketball and baseball. These versions of hockey are significantly more affordable. This way, it gets people a stick in their hand, knowing the rules, and hopefully becoming future fans.
Right now, the NHL has some BS NHL street program, but I haven’t seen any programs implemented in all of Northern California. We've let inline hockey die off for whatever reason, but building the rinks and helping organize leagues would help. Street hockey is too easy and can be played, sponsored, and maintained by schools. The time to do this was a decade ago; the second best time is now. If not, I feel hockey will just be a sport in major decline.
Rant over. Enjoy the playoffs.
TLDR: Hockey fandom and participation seemed to have declined especially in the Bay Area. It’s decline due to high costs and limited access to rinks. Street and inline hockey are nearly extinct, with kids preferring soccer and baseball. The NHL needs to sponsor local hockey initiatives and provide equipment to schools to revive the sport especially inline and street. Without intervention, hockey's future looks bleak.

About the role
Food Safety level 2 & experience desired. Role Responsibility
Ordering of Stock for food preparation and vending machines
Responsibility for Stock Management and Stock Control
Code checking and checking quality of stock
Preparation of food in accordance with food hygiene requirements
Vending machine replenishment and management i.e price changes, cleaning and cash collection
Hospitality Support
Assist in maintaining housekeeping in the canteen & kitchen facilities, dining area and Kitchen counters
Adhere to food hygiene/HACCP/Allegen/COSHH Guidelines at all times
Maintain due diligence on temperature controls and code dates
You will need
Cooking experience is essential.
The ideal candidate will have an excellent attitude towards customer service with a friendly outgoing personality and be used to working within a team environment.
A high standard of presentation and the ability to work within a team producing and serving a varied menu to colleagues and visitors on site
The ideal candidate will be required to prepare, cook and serve food along with cleaning duties and stock vending machines.
The successful candidate will ideally have a Hygiene Certificate
Whats in it for you
At Booker, along with being a great place to work and giving you an opportunity to get on in your career, we also offer the following fantastic package of benefits:
A Booker colleague card with 10% off purchases at Booker and double discount events up to three times a year. After 3 months service, a Tesco colleague discount card with 10% increasing to 15% off most purchases at Tesco for a 4 day period after every four-weekly pay day, ie. thirteen times a year. In addition to 10% off at Tesco Cafe and 20% off all F&F purchases. 10% off pay monthly & SIM only deals with Tesco Mobile for yourself, along with further great deals through-out the year. Up to 30% off car, pet and home insurance at Tesco bank. Terms and conditions apply. Free eye test when you spend £50 or more. You can also save 30% when you spend £50 or more on glasses, prescription sunglasses and contact lenses. 50% off health checks at Tesco Pharmacy. Exclusive access to discounted RAC breakdown cover rates An exclusive deals and discounts website saving you money on everyday purchases including a cycle to work scheme. After 3 months service, you can join our annual Save As You Earn share scheme which allows you to buy Tesco shares in the future at a discount. Retirement savings plan (pension) - save up to 5% and Booker will match your contribution. Life Assurance - You are covered for death in service life cover of up to three times annual pay Health and Wellbeing support and resources including our 24/7, confidential Employee Assistance Programme for you and your family. A great holiday package About The Company
Be part of something special. Join our team at Booker.
Booker is the UK’s leading food & drink wholesaler. We are privileged to serve independent retailers, caterers and small businesses, from locations across the country.
Booker Group comprises of Booker Wholesale, Makro, Booker Direct, Classic Drinks, Ritter Courivaud and Chef Direct. Our customers include Premier, Family Shopper, Budgens and Londis retailers and we have one shared aim - improving choice, price and service for all our customers.
Our business is incredibly diverse, so it takes a wide range of skills to deliver the exceptional service our customers require.
Wherever you join us, you’ll be part of an organisation that will help your career to keep moving forward.
Booker Group is part of Tesco plc, however is operated separately from the core Tesco business and as such the benefits offered will be different from those offered at Tesco
Apply here
Via needabarista.co.uk

And I’d love everyone’s thoughts. My [30F] sister [30F] (yes we are twins) and I live in a big city in the same neighborhood and have a great relationship. BFFs and the best person I know. Hang out 3-4 times per week. Always talking about how grateful we are for each other blah blah blah.
Yesterday she went out with a friend around 5:30pm. At around 9pm her boyfriend [30M] who she lives with texted me asking if I’d heard from her. He said her drinks probably ran over and NBD but that she told him she would be home by 8pm at the latest because usually they do date night on Wednesdays so they could still do something, so he was just seeing is she was ok. I said no, I haven’t heard from her but yeah, drinks probably ran over.
Fast forward to 11pm and we haven’t heard from her in almost 6 hours, not even a text back to confirm she’d be home later than 8pm. At this point it’s a little strange and out of character for her to not say ANYTHING especially 3 hours after she said she’d be home. I’m still not super worried but her BF and my husband think it’s bizarre enough that I should just Uber to the bar and check on her to make sure.
So I go, and when I get there I see her and she’s totally fine, chatting and having a great time. I sit and chat and meet her friend….. and they are wrapping up so it’s now time to go.
My sister FREAKS OUT. She says it’s a violation of privacy and so embarrassing and can’t believe any of us were worried. Let it be known that I’ve literally never done this in our decades of life — so I was a little surprised by her reaction. In hindsight I’m like damn yes I should have just waited but, it was so out of character for her to be so angry.
Do you think this was an overreaction? I feel kind of ashamed that I got so worried and like I ruined her night but a part of me feels like it’s reasonable.
TL;DR I checked on my sister after 5 hours of no communication because her bf was worried when she didn’t come home, and now she’s mad.

Wasn’t the worst! Went to a very fancy restaurant with the misses! Decided to giver a go, I usually drink cheap whisky when I go out to the bar, like Gibsons or that type of thing usually always mixed
Do you guys have any suggestions on what a starting type of scotch would be? Sorry if that’s kinda vague but I’d love to get more into it
IM NOT RICH fyi haha, not sure what a “good price” would be? But like I’d spend 50-100$

i can’t go on t just yet but i’ve been doing as much as possible to physically transition without actually medically transitioning (which i hope to do asap), like voice training/speech therapy, contouring to make my facial bone structure appear more prominent and male, ect.
i recently had an encounter with a group of teenage boys around my age (18-19, not 13-14) where i was on the train and they got on and walked past me and we just looked at each other like you do with any other people.
i got off before them and walked past the window they were sitting at. they were talking to each other and one looked at me and did that specific nod that bros do when they greet bros they don’t know. (i obviously greeted him back)
that moment is still so special to me because before that, even when people read me as a guy, they recognised that something is off and treated me differently than they would treat other guys. i do still get read as xx regularly, which is understandable as i don’t take t yet, but it’s been getting better and that moment proved to me that my efforts, and not just waiting until i start t, they’re all worth it.
the thing is that i didn’t feel happy or even euphoric, i felt relieved. like the feeling you get when you’re coming home from a long holiday. even if it was just for a moment, i was at peace.

Hey there! Looking for some new people to talk to, down to chat about pretty much anything as long as you can somewhat hold a conversation haha. Not really great at writing these things so I'll just list off some of my interests and things I'm looking for.
About me:
-i like watching sports; baseball, hockey, F1, sometimes basketball.
-i love video games, I play mostly on my PC, but I also have a PS5 and a switch. Right now I'm mostly playing dota 2 and r6 siege, but I have and play a lot of other stuff too.
-I have two cats that I love to death, totally down to show you how cute they are!
I love movies, I have a pretty large physical movie collection of blu rays and 4ks, I especially love horror but I'll watch most genres.
-I also enjoy music a lot, mostly metal, but also pop punk, pop, rap, country, and some other random stuff too. I've been to A LOT of concerts over the past 10 years but haven't been to many recently.
-im pretty introverted, I work a lot and when I'm not working I like to pretty much stay in and relax for the most part.
-i work night shift, i I have a pretty unorthodox schedule and sleep during the day and I'm up all night haha
I have 6 tattoos!
I don't smoke or drink, I don't really mind or care if you do though!
Physically im 6 foot tall hazel eyes with glasses and short brown hair. Medium build, a bit of a dad bod.
That's pretty much it, I'm sure there's a lot more I could include but I'll save that for later. Now here's some things I'm looking for!
What I'm looking for:
-someone who can somewhat hold a conversation and is actually interested in getting to know each other
-down to share selfies and possibly down to voice chat in the near future
down to switch to another platform, I don't really want to use the chat feature on here, sorry.
-open to the possibility of something flirty, and or just friendship. I'm not strictly looking for friendship only.
That's mostly it I think. Shoot me a message with a little about yourself if you're interested

Yesterday was 3 months since my wife drowned at home. The thoughts of my last words to her, to the way she looked at me and then she was gone 10 minutes later. The whole incident caught on CCTV camera. I had a choice to see her last moments but I don't think I will ever summon up the courage to see a soft, gentle and kind person during their last moments. A phycologist who saw the video said that it was almost like she past out. She was 49 years old with no health issues but she was an addict. A good addict for the most part. Loved some whiskey on her own in the middle of the morning or glass of wine at a restaurant followed up with a top up at our home bar whilst I was parking the car. (I never knew)
My kids found bottles of wine throughout the house in cupboards, hidden sometimes, sometimes not(i sometimes knew and found it). She would hide a bottle of wine in her pants to get to the toilet so she could chug down.
She always had an excuse or an apology which I was suckered into believing. I was a sucker for her. She was beautiful and kind and caring and cooked and took the kids to school and did their homework with them and went to school functions and and and.
Added to this she was on initially prescribed and ultimately unprescribed benzos for 10 plus years. We had benzos all over the house. Kitchen, vanity cases and drawers to name a few.
However, she was soft and kind and caring. She was a wonderful wife and mother, an avid cook and foodie who had the talent to make videos for Instagram of our holidays and her cooking preparation etc.
That day, after promising me that she quit and after 3 short stints in rehab for treatment of clinical depression I found out that she was drinking my whiskey which at her insisting was noticed because I had put a marker and noticed a significant drop in level she became sombre when confronted.
She then proceeded to the shallow pool to cool down. I got distracted by a call for someone to pickup some items from my front door. I chatted with the gentleman a short distance from where my pool is and where she was last seen standing.
When I turned and opened my front door with a clear view of the pool I could see her floating, stomach down, hair strewn in front of her.
I ran, pulled her out and attempted CPR and mouth to mouth. I failed. I was tired. I was screaming. My two children were over me screaming. My youngest video called his sister who is at University so she saw what was going on.
A doctor, a friend who stays a few doors away from me came through. It took him all of 5 seconds to announce that she was gone. Her feet were still warm. I felt them as he walked away. He said that it was too long. He was right as I later found out from the phycologist who viewed the footage to explain the chain of events.
She sunk in the shallow end, less than waist height for my wife and never came up. There was a struggle and a "jerk" of her body at 18.59 and 45 seconds. I got to her at 19:05 and 50 seconds. The Doctor was there at 8 minutes from her last movement.
I loved her for 30 odd years, was married to her for one month shy of 24 years and cannot get the images of her in the pool, lying on the ground, police sitting down in our entertainment area, family members, business colleagues and friends walking around and me constantly going to her, opening the blanket, wiping away the fluid that was seeping from her nose, asking her if she's okay, holding her hand and rubbing her feet.
Can there be anything more painful and burdensome for the living than losing someone who was truly and unconditionally loved? No matter the manner of death, the length of the suffering, the pain etc.