i keep getting a couple thousand dollars every semester as a "financial aid refund". i'm scared to spend this money though because it's supposed to be used for school stuff? but how can i spend $2k on supplies for school? i was just wondering what else i can spend it on, and will i get in trouble if i spend it on other things? sorry this is a stupid question i was homeschooled 😭

My boyfriend (M23) and I (F21) have been together for almost 2 years at the end of this month. He’s a great guy for the most part, but I can’t help but feel like I’m settling. I see other people’s relationships and how their partner treats them and I get envious. He’s changed a lot compared to who I originally fell in love with. I know that I can’t hold that against him; people are bound to change. But I’m not so sure that this change was for the better. Now, I’ve been in a very unhealthy relationship before this relationship. So I pride myself on taking some time to better myself and heal before I jumped into this relationship. So, in my eyes, I feel as though I have been a good partner. I would hope that I didn’t play a part in this negative change in him. He lost a lot—if not the majority—of his confidence. He’s very emotional. Which isn’t to say that men cannot show emotions. I’m glad that he’s able to express his. However, I feel as though I’m not even able to express my feelings without the fear of making him cry. Over anything and everything. I feel like I can no longer be “soft” and “feminine” when I’m with him. I’ve been told by my friends and family that I’m the one “wearing the pants in the relationship”. It’s getting to be exhausting. I can’t process my own emotions because I’m constantly trying to protect his. He used to be so fun to be around. We have the same friend group, and every time all of us would hang out, it would be so fun. Now, it’s a hassle to get him off of the xbox and out of our room. I can understand wanting to relax after a day of work, but it’s every. Single. Day. Without fail. On the off chance that he does decide to join everyone upstairs (our friend group lives together, our room is downstairs), he’s moody and snaps at everyone over the stupidest things. Quite frankly, I’m ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior because I’m worried that it’s a reflection on me. I’m not a touchy-feely person. I’m also not a very emotional person. I’ve laid this boundary about touching multiple times. He has repeatedly chosen to ignore that boundary, and then makes me feel bad for not wanting to be touched because it’s his “love language”. He is very close with his sister, she practically raised him, which is fine. But it’s gotten to the point that he can’t make any big “adult” decisions without consulting with his sister. And it’s not just asking for advice—he does whatever she tells him to do. He kept her on his bank account until he was 22. He lets her walk all over him, screaming at him to the point of tears. She has said multiple times, “If you would stop buying [me] everything she wants, you would be saving more money.” I do not ask for anything. Money was part of the problem in my last relationship. My ex would offer to buy me something, he would buy it, and then he would use it against me later on. Again, I do not ask my current boyfriend to buy me anything. He offers. He doesn’t hang it over my head, but his sister is apparently not a fan of his spending. I have talked to him about this, and he always defends his sister, never me. Yes, they’re family. But I personally feel like this has gone too far. I’ve talked to him about all of this and more, over and over again. I’m tired of hearing “I’m sorry,” and “I’ll do better.” I’m tired of having the same conversation with no positive outcome. I know that this kind of change doesn’t happen overnight, but this has been an ongoing argument for the past year. Do I risk ending a relationship when I’m scared that I won’t find better? He practically worships the ground I walk on in the times when he’s not moody. But I don’t like the way he treats my friends. I din’t like the way that he’s quick to defend his sister, but will throw me under the bus at the first opportunity. But I’ve also never been treated better.
To make matters worse, I’ve had a crush on my best friend’s (F21) boyfriend (M20) of almost 3 years since before the beginning of their relationship. I never said anything because it was obvious that she had a thing for him. But they’ve been having issues in their relationship, much like I am, so we’ve (the boyfriend and I) found a solace in venting to each other about it. We found a kind of comfort with each other. Let me make this clear: I know that I’m the lowest scum of the earth for this. But let it be known that I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize my friendship or their relationship. It just hurts, seeing them together.
I feel so lost and alone. I don’t know what to do. AITAH?

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/A_burner_acc0unt. He posted in AmItheAsshole
Mood Spoiler: frustrating but there's progress
Original Post: May 7, 2024
I am a 37M teacher. I teach History for highschoolers. I keep pads and tampons in my classroom for the girls to use if they need them. This is something I do and have done for all my classes through the years and I pay for them out of my own pocket. But recently, I have gotten an upsurge of female students, making my supplies run low and making me need to restock more often.
So, I have told my students that if they want to use the pads or tampons, they will have to pay a fee of $1 a month if they use the products. I thought it would be a good idea to teach them economics and a basic form of budgeting to them. Well, some parents have come at me via email that this was unfair for them.
Keep in mind, I live near a low-income neighborhood, who have students that mostly depend on me for the products. I explained to them that I have had an upsurge of female students and have told them that their price has gone up and explained that it would not be viable for me to keep doing this. They would keep emailing me, with one parent calling me a d*ck after school because they can't afford the hygiene products themselves.
I talked this over with my fiancee and she said that it wasn't a bad thing, noting that her products have gotten expensive as well. At the same time however, the principal says this might be a d*ck move as the students need these and I should just give it to them free of charge. Now I am reconsidering my decision and have yet to apply the fee. So, WIBTA If I Started Charging My Female Students For Hygiene Products?
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: INFO: Does your school have a resource room? A school counselor? Family resource services? Somewhere where these kids can get what they need?
I don't understand your "surge of female students" comment. Do you mean a surge in need of products? More female students than male?
To me, the best course of action would be for the school staff to get together and purchase items for all of the classrooms or even to place in the bathrooms. And to work together to have a giving or caring closet for the school. If the kids are going without pads and tampons it is possible they are also going without other hygiene needs and a caring closet would ensure everyone has what they need for only a few dollars per month from everyone on staff.

OOP: No, my school does not have enough to supply these resources. And a surge of female students means that my classes have become filled with more females than ever before, making my supplies run dry. And some of the staff are barely going though, as you know with tacher pay. I get paid 37K after taxes, so this is not something I can afford, especially since this surge in female students happened in their freshman year, so this would not be possible for the next 3 years of their education. But a caring closet might help us all out, thanks for the idea!

OOP is voted NTA
First Update (Same Post)
Update: After reading many of your comments, I am going to talk to the principal about setting up a caring closet. If he refuses then I will ask for a pay raise to cover for it or just tell him to pay for it out of pocket. I talked this over with the nurse and she said that she would be willing to chip in and would ask around for others. I will keep you guys updated. I am meeting with my principal in 30 minutes, wish me luck!
Second Update (Same Post): May 8, 2024 (Next Day)
Second Update: I just finished my meeting with my principal. He did not like the pay raise idea. I told him it would look bad for him if I didn't keep supplying these somehow and he then turned to the caring closet. He said he would need some time to think about it. The nurse said that even if the principal himself doesn't help out, she has 3 other teachers ready to pitch in. Thank you guys for all your support on how to deal with this!

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WholePomegranate5342
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest
My Parents Tried to Screw Over My Dying StepMother, Blew Up All Of Our Lives Instead
Trigger Warnings: infidelity, imminent death, terminal illness, financial exploitation, physical assault, emotional abuse and manipulation
Original Post: February 13, 2024
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
My (17F) stepmother "Jane" is a wonderful, wonderful woman. She and my father got married when I was 4, and she's been a rock in my life ever since. My mother was always my primary caregiver, but up until that point her relationship with my father was acrimonious and I basically never saw him. Jane was the reason they developed a stable co-parenting relationship, she encouraged everyone having a good relationship with each other and was always there to support me and my mom when things got rough.
Jane was always a really hard worker. When she met my dad, he was living out of a hotel and my mother was doing everything in her power to keep me away from him because she was petty and angry that their relationship didn't work out. Meanwhile Jane had a great job, a nice house, helped my dad get back on his feet, negotiated a visitation schedule with my mom (who hated her for a long time), and made sure my dad sent us money every week because neither one of them could afford an attorney to negotiate child support payments. Jane had no reason to do any of these things but as I got older she made it clear that she loved me as much as she loved my (half) brothers who were born a few years later. I even have my own room in her house because at the time we lived with my grandparents / various boyfriends of my mom and Jane felt that I needed a more stable environment than that. She's like the opposite of the evil stepmom.
When I was 15, Jane won a big lawsuit against an airline company and got awarded upwards of a million dollars. She used the money to build sizable trust funds for me and my brothers so that we would be taken care of later in life. Despite having a lot more money she still wanted to live a fairly modest life, so she paid off the house she has and has been living there ever since with my dad. Sure she bought a new car and they went on a few nice vacations but she didn't blow all her money on stupid things, which I respected.
About a year ago, things started getting really weird. Whenever I saw Jane she seemed to look sicker and sicker, but no one would tell me or my brothers why even though I know they knew. All we knew is that she was at the hospital a lot. Around the same time, my mom has been coming around my dad a lot more and acting really strange, basically like she was trying to romance him. Whenever Jane was in the hospital my mother would insist on spending the night at their house and playing mom to my brothers, which was so weird to me because she never liked them or Jane. She'd be the perfect little housewife and my mom is NOT like that at all. It was super fake.
Worst of all, my dad started falling for it. I'm not stupid - I'm pretty sure they were sleeping together. I tried to shield my brothers from it but they're not dumb either. I tried talking to my dad too but he insisted it wasn't like that.
Then a few weeks ago, my mom started talking about all the places she'd like to visit, how she wanted a new car and was looking to invest... which is weird because my mom has been a bartender her whole life and has lived paycheck to paycheck since before I was born. She was acting like she was about to get a lot of money, which started to make me really suspicious. Between Jane being sick and my mom acting all nouveau riche, I had a lot of questions.
Finally I decided to visit Jane in the hospital and ask her about my trust fund. I found out that if anything happened to her, that my dad would inherit all the money including full control of the trusts for me and my brothers. She asked me why I was so interested in the trust fund so I told her what's going on with my parents and how my mom has been acting with my dad. I didn't want to but after everything she did for me, she deserved the truth. It really hurt me to break her heart like that, especially once I found out that she was basically in hospice at this point because of irreversible kidney failure. She's only got a few more months. We both cried so much.
Then, two days ago everything came to a head. My mom stormed in furious and started arguing with my dad. Apparently Jane met with her lawyer and changed the trust so that my dad would get nothing and all of the trusts would be controlled by my step-aunt. She demanded to know how Jane found out about their relationship and I came out and told them that I told Jane everything. I told them that if they wanted to play stupid games they would win stupid prizes and that I wasn't going to let them screw Jane over after all the help she gave my family when she didn't have to.
My mom slapped me and my dad just looked so defeated. Then my mom told my dad that she didn't really love him, that she was just pretending to so he would marry her and she could get all of the money. The worst part about it is that my brothers witnessed the whole thing and now on top of their mom dying they have to deal with a cheating dad and his vindictive ex. Our whole family is in ruins and I feel like it's my fault even though I know it's not.
Yesterday I visited Jane again and told her about the fallout. She apologized and said that she had to dissolve my trust fund to make sure my mother didn't get a hold of the money, but that as "her oldest" I will inherit the house/property after she is gone and that's worth more than the other two trust funds combined. My father won't get anything because she's going to divorce him before she dies, and honestly I'm happy for her. She made me promise to take care of my brothers and told me that once I turn 18 this summer I can kick my dad out of the house if I want to. And I FULLY plan to do that btw.
I haven't talked to my dad since and I can't even look at my mom. I can't believe they would conspire to do this to Jane after all this time. Just proof that they deserve each other and I'm embarrassed that they're my parents. Once I turn 18 I'm going to cut my dad out as much as I can and cut my mom out completely. I hope she rots. Meanwhile I'm going to try and be at the hospital as much as I can until Jane passes away.
Anyways. I just needed to vent. I'm really messed up about the whole thing and I feel super betrayed, although I can't even begin to imagine how Jane feels. I'm gonna be so f-ed up when she dies. I can't even think about that right now. But at least she's not surrounded by people who just want to bring her down.
Thanks for reading.
Edit: Some people are asking a lot of the same stuff so I'll just clarify here --
My brothers - My plan is to use some of the estate money fight for guardianship for my twin brothers so that they can live in the house while I kick my dad out. If I can't get guardianship then I will have to let my dad stay in the house. However once I turn 18 I will technically be an adult so even if my dad leaves I'm still legally able to be responsible for them. The only thing I won't be able to do is stop him from taking them if he leaves. But they will be 18 in six years so even if they do have to leave they will always be able to come back whenever they want. In a perfect world my dad would just leave and let my brothers stay with me which I'm sure my bio-mom would be very supportive of because right now she hates all of us and I doubt that will change anytime soon.
The trust - from what I understand, my brothers will inherit 1/3 each of the estate and the remaining 1/3 will be used to keep the house running until they turn 18. After that it will be up to me if I want to keep the house or sell it. At that point my brothers will still have money left in the trust so they can branch out or do whatever they want, otherwise I will not sell the house and just pass it on to them or keep it and maintain it myself and they can just stay with me as long as they need to.
(Edit to the edit) So I just spoke to Jane and she told me that the reason she dissolved the trust is because originally it was going to be split 3x between us kids and my dad would inherit the house. She dissolved my 3rd and switched it over to make it to take care of the house maintenance, and instead put the house in my name so my dad wouldn't get it. Plus by doing that at least financially I would be getting a much bigger share (the house is worth about 1.5x the amount of my brothers trusts) I just wouldn't be able to do anything with it until my brothers are 18, which I'm totally cool with. Sorry if I don't have a better answer but I'm just trying to translate what she told me.
My parents - The big fight happened on Sunday and I haven't spoken to either of my parents since, I think they're both at my mom's place right now but that's fine with us because we're all still mad at them so they can stay gone for all we care. I know technically that's not legal to just leave us alone but I've been taking care of my brothers for over a year I can handle a few days while he gets his shit together. Screw both of them.
Hope that clears some stuff up.
TLDR; My bio parents tried to screw my terminally ill stepmother out of trust fund money, but she caught on and now no one on my side of the family gets anything.
Additional Information from OOP on her parents, stepmom’s health, trust funds

OOP: (Why isn't Jane on dialysis) - I don't remember the exact details but Jane has a genetic condition where she gets cysts on her kidney. She already had a transplant a few years ago but now she developed problems with her arteries or something in her legs so she doesn't qualify for dialysis. She could get another transplant but she doesn't want to because the last time was so traumatic (rejections, etc). So she decided to just let herself go onto maintenance medications to prolong her death until she gets her affairs in order. She has a few other health problems that make the typical treatments really dangerous and according to her she'd rather die surrounded by loved ones than on an operating table.
(Dissolving the trust fund) - Jane told me she didn't technically have to do it, but she didn't trust my bio parents not to do something shady and get a hold of the money before I turn 18. Even if my aunt controlled the fund my dad would still be able to collect if something happened to Jane before I turn 18. Her lawyer suggested it's better safe than sorry and I agreed that it was the best option. I'm not an expert tho I don't know the details.
(How my mom knew) - Like I said before I'm pretty sure Jane told my dad, who then told my mom and that's how the argument started. I can't think of any other way and I didn't really care enough to ask.
(Jane's thoughts on my mom) - she didn't know my mom was doing all of that. My mom has her own place and would only come over whenever Jane was in the hospital for a few days at a time. I've been living with my dad for a little over a year so he probably told Jane that my mom was there to spend time with me, if he told her at all. Besides she didn't "move in" until a few months ago, which I guess is when they started hatching their plan. Jane never outright banned my mom from visiting so there really wasn't anything she could do.
Hope that helps.
Edit for the last part: The remainder of the money belonging to the estate that hasn't been put into trusts for my brothers is going to be used to maintain the house (utilities, taxes, etc) until my brothers are 18 and then I can either choose to sell the house or keep it and maintain it myself if I'm able to. I plan to go to school in that time and get a better job with the goal of keeping the house, but if I can't then I have the option to sell it. Not that I will but that's how it was explained to me.

OOP on her stepmom and their relationship, provides thoughts on her bio mom

OOP: Honestly it's because she's more of a "real" mom than my actual mom.
My bio mom is kind of ambiguous about my existence but Jane was always extra involved, sending me to sports teams and paying for dance classes and just showing interest in my hobbies as I got older. Plus as the only girl I think we bonded on a level she can't with my brothers so she always made sure to let me know I was on equal terms with them. When I was younger we would watch movies and have girl time where it was just us 1:1 and those are some of my best memories with her.
Jane is also really mature and someone I wanna be like when I get older whereas it feels like my mom is a teenager in an adult's body. She was constantly picking fights with my dad about dumb things and Jane was always there to smooth things over and keep my best interest at heart over her own feelings. I know my mom made Jane's life really difficult for a long time but Jane never complained or said anything to me about it whereas my mom CONSTANTLY complained about Jane. As I got older I just always felt more at peace when I was around Jane than when I was around my mom.
If you want your step kids to love you just be there for them and treat them like your own. Ignore whatever drama you have with your husbands ex and just love your kids. Trust me if you really care about them they will know.

Relevant Comments
mattdvs1979: My only advice is make sure you work with a lawyer once she passes so you get your inheritance and your parents can’t try to intervene, and then you keep your promise to use that money for you and your brothers’ welfare.

OOP: Oh absolutely, Jane already gave me the lawyer's info and between him and my step-aunt I'm sure I will be able to do what I need to do for them. I don't even care about the money, most people don't have trust funds and turn out just fine. I'm actually more glad that she gave me the house because you can be damn sure it's going to be a safe space for my brothers whether I end up getting custody of them or not. My brothers are basically Jane's legacy so my goal is to give them the life and guidance that I got from her, and that they won't get because she'll be gone.

OOP on the relationship between her father and her stepmom before they got exposed

OOP: Honestly it hurts a lot because before Jane got sick they seemed to have the perfect relationship. Until my birthgiver (I like that) came in and fucked everything up with her toxic personality. Honestly in a perfect world my mom will end up broke and alone and in a shitty nursing home with bed sores. And when she calls me and begs me for a relationship (because she needs the attention) it'll feel so good to hang up on her over and over again.

OOP on Jane (stepmom)’s health and if Jane is mentally okay on the whole situation

OOP: I think so. Apparently it's a genetic disease so she always knew she was going to get sick she just didn't know when so mentally I think she was prepared for it. I just hope that she can find peace knowing the truth and knowing that I'll be there to make sure her sons don't grow up all fucked up.

OOP on her brothers getting therapy to deal with their mom/step-mom’s health and her imminent death

OOP: Yeah. I've already sat them down and talked to them about what's going on, they seem to understand but they're understandably really sad about the whole thing. I told them that when they go to school they should ask about a grief counselor and I'm trying to get their health insurance info from Jane so I can find them a therapist for kids. As much as all of this sucks I think it's brought the three of us a lot closer together.
Thanks a lot. I really love my brothers and I know it's my job to take care of them properly now that they won't have a mom around. Jane did so much to raise me and my brothers won't have the opportunity so it's only right that I help them.
Since finding all of this out my plan has always been to have my brothers live with me, I'm already in charge of taking care of them and the house for the most part the only thing my dad does is help pay the bills. Unfortunately I won't be able to kick my dad out as long as he's their legal guardian which is why I'm trying to find some other solution to that. But if/when that gets resolved he can live under a bridge for all I care.

 
Update: May 8, 2024 (3 months later)
Please check my profile for my previous post. :)
Hi guys it’s me again, a lot of you asked me for an update on my situation with Jane and my family so I’ve come back with a few things that have happened since I initially posted. I will try to organize this in a way that addresses the major points of last time.
Jane is still alive and doing surprisingly well considering the circumstances. She’s always been a fighter and although her disease has been progressing she’s keeping a positive attitude with everything that is going on. She says she’s grateful that she was able to see everyone’s true colors before she passed so she could go into the next life knowing the truth. We have become so unbelievably close in the past few months and it’s getting harder and harder to know that she’s getting close to the end. She doesn’t ever talk about it though and I know it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt me but we both know the situation so we’re just making the best of our time. I'm also not being completely transparent about all of the drama at home but tbh I don't think she needs to hear all of that.
We did end up having that surprise celebration of life that I planned, a lot more people showed up than I thought but they all got an airbnb near the hospital where Jane is and we were able to take her out and spend some time at the lake near the facility. It was super lowkey which I know Jane preferred and I was even able to get her old college friend to come after I found him on Linkedin lol. We had food and there was music and we played games and it was overall a really great time, except Jane started crying at the end but she promised me it was just because she was grateful.
My brothers are also doing okay, my aunt (Jane's sister) is currently paying for them to go to therapy and they've become a lot more open about talking about the situation. They just turned 13 but a lot of the time it feels like I'm talking to actual adults lol. They've become really independent lately (in a good way) and aside from me driving them places I don't really have to do much for them anymore. Their grades aren't super great but they're not failing and considering the circumstances it could be a lot worse. They still hang out with friends and I'm keeping an eye out for like depression symptoms and stuff.
The situation with my mom is as funny as it is embarrassing tbh. She spent a few weeks ignoring us and then she tried to crawl back into my life basically begging me to let her move in because her lease is about to expire and she has nowhere to go. That convo went about as well as you'd think and she ended up calling me an ungrateful b**** and that I couldn't just ignore her because she's my mom. I told her to get out of the house before I call the cops and to go back to my dad (who at that point was only coming home every few days to "check on us" and grab some clothes.)
After that she tried coming by a few times and when I wouldn't open the door she would lose her mind and start yelling through the neighborhood. After three instances of this I finally called the cops but because I'm 17 they told me there's a possibility that I would have to go home with her since technically I'm a minor and need to be with the custodial parent. I told them no way because I was the only one watching my brothers atm. That led to a whole thing where after a few hours my dad basically showed up and I was allowed to stay there because there was finally an adult present and I'd basically lived there for over a year.
After that the cops firmly told my mom that if she keeps showing up and causing drama (my neighbors confirmed that she'd been there a few times screaming) that they would arrest her for trespassing since technically it was Jane's house and not hers. She left and hasn't tried coming to the house anymore but for a while she would call me constantly telling me I owed her and all kinds of stuff. She's now blocked on everything and anything she needs to say to me gets filtered through my dad.
As for my dad... well, since he's basically required to be here for another 2 months until I turn 18 we've basically just avoided each other. It's not too bad though because I've been heavily relying on guilting him for everything to get my way. For example he was going to contest the divorce but I threatened to kick him out when I turn 18 if he does that so he just signed all the paperwork for a "quickie divorce" and is basically doing whatever Jane tells him to do. I don't openly disrespect him or anything (he's still my dad) but I've made it clear that I have no intentions on doing anything he says ever again and he doesn't fight me on it. Most of the time he's just in his room and sometimes he'll go back to my mom's but only for a day or two before they argue and she kicks him out again lol. I haven't decided whether or not I'll kick him out yet and we haven't talked about it either so I'm kind of playing it by ear.
As for me, I'm handling everything as good as I can. I found a new job where I make a little more money so I've been focusing on saving as much as I can and just being there for my brothers. Between working and school and visiting Jane I've been so busy I haven't really had time to really stop and think about everything, but I know it'll come. One of my friends has really stepped up and helped me manage everything and I'm super grateful to him for being there for me and my brothers so we'll see how that goes.
Anyways I wish I had something more exciting to share but that's what's happened since my last post :) Thanks again for all the support on my last post.
Relevant Comments
OOP on the possibility of her stepmom being poisoned from her parents to get Jane’s money

OOP: Hi there,
A few people have mentioned this and yes we are absolutely certain she is not being poisoned, it’s a genetic disease causing her kidney failure and we have known about it for a long time but she shielded us from the worst of it hence why her “sudden” decline in health was such a shock to us, we thought she had more time.
My brothers have also been screened for this disease and thankfully neither of them have it.
Edit to add: I’m turning 18 in a few weeks so I don’t need to get emancipated and my dad has already agreed that my brothers will stay in the house with me because they have nowhere else to go.

OOP on Jane making video clips for her brothers

OOP: Yes actually a few people suggested this on my last post and we have been doing this for a few weeks now. Jane has a little digital recorder that she’s been putting her thoughts down on and she’s also written a few letters to us for major milestones. My brothers do not know about this as we want to surprise them but that said they have been coming to the hospital more now that they’re in therapy and able to deal with it. I know they do not want to have any regrets even though it’s a difficult situation.

OOP on her father after being exposed and her bio mom trying to manipulate him

OOP: I do think he’s remorseful, he hasn’t said it but the way he’s acting is telling me that, he’s being really passive when normally he gets a little belligerent if he really feels like he didn’t do anything wrong. Also I know I have every reason to kick him out but he’s still my dad even tho what he did to Jane was terrible. He’s just kind of a weak minded person and my bio mom really manipulated the crap out of him and continues to manipulate him but I can tell he’s getting tired of her BS because he’s spending less time with her.
He didn’t know she was showing up at the house and when he found out he was super pissed at her, they’ve been fighting nonstop and I can tell he’s not as much under her spell anymore because he’s at home more but who knows.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am still not the Original Poster. That is still u/MajorArtist340. She posted in AITAH
Previous BORUs can be found here and here. New Update marked with ****\*
Mood Spoiler: still kind of a bummer but things are moving forward
Original Post: December 21, 2023
For a while now my husband, John, has been getting more and more angry over little things and generally moody and distant. I had finally had enough and approached him about separation.
This conversation led to a big blow out and him revealing the state of his finances. My husband and I have always kept our finances separate. Also although we call each other husband and wife and had a wedding we are not actually legally married. This was primarily for inheritance purposes because we each have older children from previous relationships.
Anyway John revealed that he had basically no savings left. That all the money he had saved for retirement and for his kids schooling was gone. Furthermore he said it was all my fault since he used all his savings up to try and keep up with my lifestyle.
There was never anything crazy in terms of bills or anything like that and we always split it all equally. The house we live in I own outright as well, so there wasn’t a mortgage payment.
However I have always liked to travel a lot on fairly extravagant vacations. I would invite John or John and his children to join on trips, but never made them feel like they had to come. That’s said he was expected to pay for himself and for his kids. Except for recently he accepted every invitation.
I would also give my kids things he considered “extravagant”, but I considered “normal”. So he felt like he had to give similar things to his own kids.
John said with all the spending to keep up his savings dwindled very fast. I expressed that I couldn’t understand how or why he would spend all he had when he knew he couldn’t afford it. He said it was like keeping up with the Joneses only worse because it was at home so he couldn’t block it out. John thinks since I knew his job I should have had a basic understanding of his finances and realizes this wasn’t a lifestyle he could maintain. That the kind thing would have been to offer to pay for the trips and other things instead of dangle them in front of his and his kids faces.
Looking back I probably could have realized that this spending didn’t make sense for his salary, but I wasn’t thinking about it. I don’t think it was my responsibility to keep his finances in mind here. We had agreed from the beginning to keep our finances separate so to me that means paying for things separately.
Edit. We do not live in a state with common law marriage
Relevant Comments:
Why not get married? You know you can make children beneficiaries in wills, right?
"Here spouses are included in inheritance even if they’re omitted from wills and I plan on leaving everything to my kids."
Ages:
"I’m 44. He’s 53. We don’t have any children together."
So you didn't discuss trips you could afford together??
"We did discuss the trips and I asked for input about where to stay what we would do, but he never gave any or had any suggestions. I always assumed he just didn’t like planning things. I would have likely still gone on the trips if he didn’t want to."
So if he said no would you just go on the trip on your own?
"I would have likely still gone one the trip. That’s said I would have been open to less expensive trips had he brought it up."
"Except for the past two trips he never declined. I didn’t go alone though. I went on one with some friends and the other with my daughter."
This comment exchange:
Commenter: ESH- John should have ended your marriage way earlier. He can't keep with your lifestyle and would horrible and Very unfair to subject his children in a life where half of the family goes on fancy vacations regurlaly and the other stay home. He should have been honest way earlier before his savings drained and ended the marriage. You should have more awareness of your partner's struggled. How do you share a life with someone and don't realize this things?
OOP: He paid for things without any hint that he was struggling. I assume his attitude change was when things started to get really bad and I did ask what was wrong, but he would just say things were fine or say he was upset about some little thing like the dishes not being put away.
Before you were together, how often were you taking trips with your kids?
"I’ve always done about the same amount of trips every year. Usually two with my kids.
His kids mostly live with their mom and mine will split time between me and their dad pretty equally. My eldest is in college now though."
And this exchange:
Commenter: I have a burning question. Did you ever ask him why he was acting that way before you decided it was time for separation. Because from the outside you come off as the female stereotype that men don't have emotions so there's no need to check
OOP: I did. He would always say it was fine or I would ask what’s wrong and he would get mad about the dishes not being put away or some other little thing.
If you enjoy having him with you maybe you could pay for him to go?
"If things were better I might consider it, but at this point I’m really not enjoying being around him anymore. I’m going to use this break to take some time to reevaluate things."
It sounds like you don't love him at all. Why were you with him? Were you really together or just roommates with benefits? Why wouldn't you leave him anything in the will? How do you split daily life?
"With how things are now it’s hard to talk in present tense. I loved him.
For me it just feels like it would be wrong for my money and assets to go to anyone other than my kids given. For him well I don’t really need any inheritance, so it just makes the most sense for it to have gone to his children.
For restaurants we’ve always just taken turns paying."
There is no consensus bot on AITAH. The top comment was NTA, but there were quite a few ESH and info votes because the situation seemed weird
Update Post: January 8, 2024 (18 days later)
After reading all the comments on my first post I realized I needed more time to think about things. I also thought with the situation how it was it would be best that we spend the holidays apart to avoid and controversy. He wasn't a fan of the idea, but I eventually got him to agree to go.
Last week things settled down so we met up to have a more detailed discussion about the state of his finances. A few more things were revealed. I found out that he had lost his job earlier this year and didn't tell me. He got a new job in October, but he went over 4 months without one while pretending he still had one. During that time he only got a small amount of money from unemployment, so he started putting everything on his credit cards. His new job doesn't pay as much as his old one so he hasn't been able to pay more than the minimum towards his debts which are now substantial.
I feel like if he had just brought up all these issues earlier this could have been avoided or we could have worked something out. Now I really just feel like I can't trust him. I can't trust him with money and I can't trust him not to hide things from me. I just can't see going back and trying to make things work him at this point. Since he doesn't have a place to take all their things I've agreed to store their stuff in my garage until he gets more settled. Which means I won't be able to make as clean of a break as I would like right now, but for the most part it's over.
Update Post 2: February 24, 2024 (1.5 months later)
For anyone who hasn’t read my previous posts there’s two of them exposing what happened under my username.
I liked the suggestion I was given when last posted of paying for a storage unit for their things for a few months. My ex however did not agree to it. He said it would make things too difficult because the closest storage location was too far out of the way. It definitely felt like he was still trying to cling to things.
Since I couldn’t get a storage unit in his name without his approval I talked to a friend, who is a lawyer, about the situation. He helped me right up a notice that told him that he had 30 days notice to get their things or they will be disposed of. After 30 days notice was up he still had only picked up a few things.
I ended up calling his ex and asked her if she or their kids wanted anything before I got rid of it all. Well, they had been left in the complete dark about our relationship being over. My ex had been lying to them saying I was sick and then he was sick with Covid and that’s why they hadn’t been able to come over. I’m was not at all surprised this point. I figured she didn’t know about the rest of it either and told her. She is livid. Especially about the money for their kids education since it was part of their divorce agreement.
Anyway the kids all got what they wanted and I had a charity come and pick up the rest. It feels a lot better now that there is a completely clean break. Yes I have gotten the locks changed and blocked his number. Since there is no reason for me to have contact with him anymore this is probably the last time I’ll be posting.
I think I’m there future I will probably look for more transparency when it comes to financials in any serious future relationships. With how much he was lying I can only imagine what else he may have been lying about. Had I known more I don’t think he would have been able to hide things. I am just so grateful and relieved that I was able protect myself and my children.
Relevant Comments:
One more time because people need clarification on inheritance:
Where I live spouses are included in inheritance even if there’s a will.
How could you not know what he was making if you know what he did for work?
I just never looked into what the average salary for his type of work.
This exchange clearing things up:
Commenter: First post said you both have adult kids, why are their education an issue still and why doesn't anyone contact you directly? Was no one on friendly terms?

I don’t know where you got that. My eldest is an adult, but the others are still under 18.I don’t know what/who you mean by why doesn’t any contact me directly.

Commenter: What I mean is they were told you were sick. These are people that went trips with and none of them texted or called to check on you

I don’t know what to say. It doesn’t seem odd to me. We didn’t usually keep in contact when they were with their mom.

*****Update Post 3: May 8, 2024 (4.5 months from OG post)****\*
I know I said that that would be my last update. It’s not really necessary for me to make another, but now I’m kind of using this as a form of journaling which I’ve found cathartic. The previous posts are all under my username.
I only had one run in with my ex since the last incident. He came to my house. I only spoke to him through the camera. He asked about getting his things. I told him that I had already got rid of everything as I had warned him, but that his kids had taken some things. I also told him he needed to leave and to not come back. Surprisingly he didn’t make a big fuss about it. He just said okay and that he was sorry for bothering me before he left, but he did look very tired so maybe that’s why.
I have not seen him since and apparently his ex and his kids haven’t heard from him in all this time either. This update had more to do with them than my ex actually. His ex contacted me to ask about him. She wanted to know if I had heard from him or had his new contact information. His phone is apparently no longer in service. I told her how I hadn’t had any contact with his since the aforementioned visit.
She also asked if she and I could meet up for coffee and talk. I declined because honestly I couldn’t think of a reason for us to meet up. Though I did offer to pass on any info about him if I heard anything.
She apparently wanted to talk to me about helping her pay for her eldest child’s (who is now a senior in highschool) education next year. She also subtly implied there was some fault on my part for their lacks of funds. I rather cowardly told her I would think about it and ended the call.
To be honest I feel like it’s an unfair position she’s putting me in. The main reason being that her children don’t seem to care for me. We got along alright while I was with their dad. However since I ended things with him it has been complete silence from them. I did try to reach out to them to see if they were okay. They never responded. Even when they came over to get their things they ignored me and my youngest. However I did get a message after the call with their mom about how she missed me. The timing though just makes it seem sort of like manipulation to get money out of me.
Edit. I have since blocked all of them.

So my father used to own a cabin. In fact he used to own a lot of different properties. Which I suppose is just a roundabout way of saying that we grew up with money. Where things get a bit complicated is how he actually made that money.
The line that he constantly fed us was that he was an accountant running his own firm in an office in the city. Long hours, lots of business trips. We never saw him much. And whenever we did, he always seemed tired, his eyes perpetually bloodshot, as if he were always trying to force them to stay open.
He was sent off to prison right after I’d finished my first year of college.
The sentence? Fifteen years, for washing hundreds of millions of dollars for numerous cartels. Two weeks after he’d been booked, my mother committed suicide. As it turns out, she’d been helping him out through the entire thing and was facing some time herself. I guess she didn’t want to deal with all that and took the drastic way out.
A few months later, the government had seized pretty much all his property.
All of it, except for that cabin in the woods.
It took a long time for me to feel normal again. But eventually I managed it. Went back to school and graduated with a good enough GPA which allowed me to snag some shitty office job a few months later. But it was enough to pay the bills.
Fast forward about another year and I’ve basically scrubbed that entire sequence of events out of my brain. It took a little bit of therapy, a lot of psychedelics, but I finally did it, to the point where I was comfortable enough to go back to that cabin, the one place where I’d see my father for more than a few weeks at a time during our summer trips.
I decided to take along three of my friends from Uni - Jack, Pedro, Randy.
We drove down there at the beginning of May. The road leading to the cabin hadn’t been maintained at all and as a result, it had become borderline undrivable. I decided to save my vehicle the stress and parked in a nearby lot, leaving us about a one-and-a-half-mile trek through the woods, which really wasn’t so bad.
Our time in the cabin was pretty much spent getting drunk and stoned, and by the third night we had completely run out of food.
We decided to take the thirty minute walk over to the nearest rest stop, where I knew that there was a 24/7 diner. So we go there, eat our meals, and on the way back we notice a burning smell in the woods, as if there was a bonfire raging about nearby.
Of course that was a bit strange given that it was around 2AM. But we didn’t think too much of it at the time and we kept walking.
It was only when the smell continued to grow stronger as we got closer to the cabin that we understood something was very wrong. Soon it had become suffocating, and we could see the night sky tinged with orange in the near distance.
I felt my heart drop into my stomach and immediately I was sprinting, my worst fear realized as I reached the clearing where the cabin was located.
Completely up in flames, plumes of dark smoke blending in with the night.
It was a mix of different emotions that hit me all at once, the combination of them creating a sense of dread so deep I hadn’t thought it possible.
After reeling myself in, I called 9-1-1, with the operator telling me that the fire department would be on their way but wouldn’t be able to reach us for at least thirty minutes. The four of us walked away from the cabin in silence, getting far enough so that the smoke was no longer scratching at our throats.
Around ten minutes later, we noticed that the orange tinge in the sky had suddenly disappeared. And I mean suddenly. Like, gone in a single blink. I thought I might’ve been hallucinating, but it was clear from their expressions that my friends were seeing something similar.
Cautiously, we started making our way back towards the cabin, noticing that the smoke was no longer heavy in the air, having cleared up considerably. Once we reached the clearing, it had disappeared altogether.
I looked ahead, my brain working overtime to comprehend the sight before me. The cabin was no longer on fire. Burnt to a crisp, sure. But the raging, overwhelming flames that had been consuming it just minutes prior had somehow completely fizzled out.
The four of us looked between each other, as if to confirm we were all still seeing the same thing.
Using the flashlight on my phone to survey the damage, I found pretty much what I’d expected. Complete destruction. Absolutely zero hope of recovering anything.
I started taking some deep breaths, trying to calm myself down when I heard Pedro yelling out from the other side.
“Guys… where the fuck did this thing come from?”
We all walked over to him. Nestled in the debris was the corpse of… something. A monstrosity.
It was about the size of a bear, with the sections of its body that weren’t burnt showing pale, clammy skin with deep cuts etched throughout it, in what looked to be some kind of crude pattern. Its head had been smashed in, leaving nothing but an abnormally wide bottom jaw which was still baring long, black teeth. It had an uncountable number of long, thick arms that it was using to hold something that resembled a human infant, one that appeared to be completely unscathed, devoid of any burn marks. The longer I stared at it, the more that I was convinced I could see it breathing.
It was a bizarre enough sight to put us into a near-trance. What eventually snapped us out of it was the chanting.
It was barely noticeable at first, slowly escalating in pitch until it was clear that there were several human voices shouting in unison. Their tones were animalistic, their words strung together with just the bare beginnings of a rhythm. It sounded like they were speaking English, though I could hardly make out anything they were saying.
The strangest part though, was how quickly it was getting closer to us. Definitely not a walking pace. It was more like a sprint.
The four of us shared a quick glance between each other and immediately there was an understanding.
We ran like bats out of hell, tripping over branches, our own feet.
But eventually we reached my car, all of us scrambling to pile into it. As I was fumbling for my keys, the chanting had become deafening, to a point that hardly made sense. It sounded as if there were speakers lined up in a circle around us, all blasting that horrible noise.
And the second that I had put the keys into the ignition, things went silent. I found myself holding my breath as I looked up, my eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness until what I was seeing was unmistakable. Several figures standing completely still at the edge of the woods. All human-shaped but far too large to be people.
All the air being held in my lungs flooded out with one big exhale and I slammed the vehicle into drive and took a sharp turn before speeding the hell out of there, refusing to look in the rearview until we had made it into the highway.
I drove until I had reached the rest stop, which was now hosting an absurd number of police cars. I parked, got out, and approached one of the cops, asking if they were here because of the fire.
The cop shook his head. “Fire? No. Has there been a fire?”
I explained the situation with the cabin to him, deciding to leave out the creature and the chanting for the time being.
The cop nodded slowly, his expression remaining largely the same throughout.
“Alright,” he said. “We’ll look into it. And then give you an update in the morning. For tonight, just get a hotel or something.”
We exchanged numbers and I thanked him. As I began to walk away, he called out to me.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
I turned back around.
“Yeah,” I said. “Sure.”
“Do you happen to be (my dad’s name)’s son?”
For a while I just stared at him. Eventually I nodded.
“Yeah,” he said. “I thought I recognized you.”
“I don’t understand,” I told him. “I’ve never seen you before.”
The cop took a deep breath before taking a quick look around. “Come here,” he said. “Come close.”
Tentatively, I did so.
“I can’t tell you everything. I don’t even know everything. But I think you should have the right to know the truth about your father. All of the stuff that’s happened here tonight, all of the shit that you’ve seen… it has something to do with him.
He took another look around before continuing. “Cartels, right? Was that the story they told you? It’s not so creative. But I guess it doesn’t have to be creative to be believable. Cause the shit that he was actually mixed up in… you would not believe unless you’ve seen it for yourself.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
“Look, I have your number. I’ll be in touch tomorrow morning. This is something I’m curious about as well. Maybe you can give me some answers, point me in the right directions. But not here. So get out of here before people start noticing you. And stay safe.”
I didn’t feel like staying in a hotel that night, so I drove back into the city, dropping everybody off before arriving back at my own apartment.
Of course I couldn’t sleep that night, my eyes wired open into the morning as I waited for the officer to call. He still hadn’t by the time that noon rolled around and so I tried calling him instead.
No answer.
Eventually I did receive a call from the police, telling me that my father’s cabin had burned down and that it was due to a forest fire.
I told them that wasn’t possible because there had been no forest fire and that I suspected foul play and wanted it to be investigated.
“It’s already been investigated,” are the exact words that the officer told me. “Don’t worry about it. Just get in touch with insurance. Go over your options.”
And before I could say anything else, he had hung up on me.
It was a mixture of anger and curiosity that compelled me to drive back down there. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t for the road leading towards the rest stop to be blocked altogether. There were two cop cars guarding the barrier, with a single officer signalling any vehicles approaching to turn around.
I pulled over to the side of the road and after some careful deliberation, I decided to get out and approach him and ask what was going on. Just to see what he might say.
When I finished the question, he stared at me for a long time. Uncomfortably long.
“Emergency construction,” is what he eventually told me.
After that encounter, I pretty much dropped trying to figure things out.
Some weird things have started happening to me since. Every night, I swear I can hear a baby crying in the apartment across from mine. The apartment that I thought had been occupied by a pair of college kids who definitely do not have children.
That cop that was supposed to call me finally did, a few nights ago. When I answered, I was met with dead silence on the other end. Nearly thirty seconds of it until the line clicked dead.
There’s an abandoned house sitting across the street from my apartment building, one that’s supposedly been there for years because the development of the store meant to take its place keeps getting delayed.
Somebody has started staring at me through its second-floor window. Whenever I catch them doing it, they’re quick to close the blinds, so I can never catch any details. But I know that the moment I turn away from it, their eyes are back on me.
I can’t confirm that any of these things are related. Whether it has anything to do with my father.
I just know that I don’t want to deal with it and that I want it to end.

I currently have to live with my family which includes two abusive emotionally immature parents. Today I was taking a shower and my brother fell, he immediately ran to my parents and said I hurt my self. He wasn’t actually hurt. He wasn’t. He wanted attention from my parents and he pretended to be hurt because they were ignoring him. Even telling him to just get out and go away. So yes the five year old pretended. My dad being the sick pos he is noticed this and berated him for it. “Your faking it” “he isn’t actually hurt don’t baby him” when my mom finally gave him some attention. I get out the shower it’s eight o’clock, my dad says my brother needs to do some abc mouse. They’ve been half assing a home school scenario for my brother thinking he’ll turn out better than me. That they can control more of what he sees and hears. So at 8pm he forces him to do spelling and every time he fucks up it’s “what are you doing man?!” “You know this!” “I guess you don’t want your tablet tomorrow” he’s tired?? I say nothing. I bite my tongue. I got get dressed and he’s still going. Just belittling him for everything. “Of course you didn’t finish your food” “why do I even waste my time” “you’re just a time waster”. I say nothing. My brother naive asks my dad how do I not be a time waster? My dad says “by not being lazy” I broke. I say that’s horrible advice, and I fucked up I know. It was on after that. Every disrespectful things he could’ve thrown at me was tossed. “You deserved to be choked” “I’d do it again” “when you have your own kids then you can parent them how you want” (I can’t have children because of them, they know this). So I say enough and I get my dinner and go to my room. Five minutes he controlled himself and then he yelled at me through the door in the pitch black. Busts my door open and starts pointing his finger in my face. I saw a post about what narc rage is like and they described it as a Doberman barking at you, showing their teeth, and jumping. They haven’t attacked you YET, they might not even but the threat is real. My mom starts defending my dad when I told her I didn’t want to talk. Talking is just me listening to her talk and defend why my dad is justified in his behavior. How do I prevent my self from getting so triggered? How do I just let him abuse my brother in the same way that has affected me so detrimentally? I feel like as long as I witness this I can’t let it go. My brother needs to know someone knows right from wrong. That my dad is not the only example he has. That he’s not even a good one. I’ll be working two jobs soon but it’ll be around 5 months before I can afford the expenses of living alone.

tl;tr what is my life (Leaving note at the top of my post cause post is too long lol) Note 1: Didn't expect for the post to be that long. I apologize for any grammatical errors or incoherences, don't have the energy to read proof everything, took me almost 4 hours to write.
Note 2: Before you guys suggest therapy. I do believe in mental health and always wanted to go see a therapist but you hear a lot of horror stories about therapists where I live. Like a friend of mine went to see one at one point and he literally told her "you are too dramatic and you are lying. There is no way you feel the way you say you do". Plus even if I manage to find a good one they are expensive as fuck.
Note 3: Moving out isn't a solution either at the moment cause can't afford it. Plus it is hard to find somewhere to rent as a fairly young bachelor in a conservative country plus if they do rent to young people the apartments are usually falling apart, they over charge and you would end up with like 7 other roommates in a 3 bedrooms apartment.
I don't really know where to start since it is 1 am where I live and I am exhausted. But yeah, basically I think that I might not be a good person? that I might be a bit of an asshole and also a loser? I am not sure.
The situation that I am facing right now is that I am 29, jobless, 5 years into my PhD that i wanted to quit for a while now, live with my mom and aunt (I live in a place when it is normal for someone to live with their parents or family in their 20s or 30s, people usually only move out if they either get married or their job isn't close to where their parents live). I am really unhappy with my life, with how I usually handle things and with how I turned out.
I graduated university at 23, got my first job as a phone repair technician few months after graduating, got pressured into doing a PhD but at the same time I was like "why not?". Wasn't a fan of my job anyway and I haven't heard from the couple of interviews I have been to. I was excited to start doing academic research actually, but as soon as I got accepted things started going downhill. Our lab director passed away before we got assigned out subjects and supervisors, then COVID lock down, my dad passed away from COVID, my supervisor retired and I got assigned a new one that is clueless, they wouldn't let me stay at the dorms during my third year cause "of the volume of new students they received that year" according to them, decided to teach a class during the first semester of last year so I would have to stay close to our lab that entire time. I didn't make much progress. Nowadays I feel burnt out and I stopped trying. When people ask me about my PhD I lie and tell them that I am almost done. I have been to quite a few job interview during the past few years but they never called back. Had some projects in mind that were good business ideas imo but whenever I started I would never go through with them cause of the stress PhD is causing me. Never been good under pressure.
As for my relationships, I will start with my parents. We have had my fair-chair of big and small arguments in my teen and adult years, but I have always had a good relationship with them and I loved them. Now, since my dad passed away my mom, sister and I became really close (or closer than we already were). Then my aunt moved in with us a little while after that (due to some personal stuff), everything was good and well at first but the thing is I live in a conservative country, in a very conservative city and my aunt is super old school and she got an influence over my mom who has become super controlling which caused some friction between us for the past few years but especially during the past year and it has gotten worse during the past couple of days (well I wouldn't put the issue entirely on her cause my mom has always nosy and controlling but she would stop if you talked to her). Now when I say controlling and nosy I mean she is trying to control everything even what I wear, and whenever I am talking to the phone she always comes into my room to know who I am talking to. Sometimes she acts like she is disciplining a 15 yo and not talking to a grown man. I have always given up a small part of my independence since my parents were sheltering me, I have had a couple of friends telling me I shouldn't when we were younger and I was always like "nah, it's fine". Well now that I am trying to get 100% of my independence and autonomy back and receiving a big push back I am starting to understand what they meant.
Now to my friends. Well, I should start by saying that during my teen years I did have friends but I had a lot of difficulties connecting with people or knowing how to react during social situations which also lead to me being bullied quite a lot up until I was around 19/20. During my uni years and early 20s things have gotten better all of a sudden, I was less shy, it was easier to talk to people and to know how to react to different situations, it was easier to make new friend and my relationships with the couple of friends I made during middle school and high school was great. Even my old bullies became respectful and would stop for a chat whenever they saw me. It got me thinking "maybe that's how it is like to turn into an adult" at some point. Now I have made quite a few friends from a couple of groups I hang out with, and I like to think that I am pretty close to most of them or at least was. The thing is that over the years some of them either criticize my quirks or tease me which I always thought was fine, I would either answer them back jokingly, take their criticism seriously and try to work on myself depending on what the quirk is or just ignore them. The problem is that over the year some of my friends have started to either take themselves or their teasing too far. Sometimes it just feels like they are walking over me. Like that one friend who always lectures me "about being a grown ass man" (and in a mean way might I add, he literally screams at me) just because I haven't seen him while outside, because I only drive inside our town (because I am not that good of a driver, I used to get extreme anxiety just being behind a wheel)(he lectured me 3 times during the same day last month and 2 of them was in front of mutual friends) or that one time he berated me about something that I thought so stupid that I made a joke and his literal answer was "shut the fuck up and listen to me when I am talking to you, I am older than you (by 2 months), I have more experience than you (cause he moved abroad) and I know better than you". Or when that group of friends that tried to catfish me at one point (they did a very bad job btw). Or that other friend that does fucked up shit or says hurtful things and his out of jail card is literally "it was just a prank bro". Like whenever I tell him the smoke from his cigarettes his bothering me he literally blows smoke on my face, or that time he threw a lit cigarette butt on me and it ruined my pants, or when we were complaining about or PhDs (he used to be a PhD student) and he told me "you stagnating so you wish for people to go backwards so it would feel like you are making progress" or that time were he told a mutual acquaintance that "I was a simp"(which I am lol) and that "I stuck to girls like glue". And sure enough whenever I stop talking to him his response would be "it was just a joke", or when I loaned him money cause he had money issues few years back he has promised me several times that he would pay me back after he gets paid for jobs he is doing but then when I ask him again he is like "Why didn't you ask me 2 days ago I used it to pay back few debts. You are the only debt I have left.". He has done the same thing over the past few years and given me the exact same answer each time. Until, I told him last year that it was okay if he didn't pay me back cause he had to loan a big amount to pay for his parents' rent .
Now I am not sure the way I respond to those situations is the healthiest. My go to strategy is to just go home and not talk to them for a while. The most recent example is from last weeks. I have a friend that always asks me to download softwares for him, to install them and set them up. Honestly I didn't mind it at first but he does it so often that it has become annoying and it feels like I can't refuse cause he always says "if I am bothering you that is okay", plus whenever he sits next to me while I work on his PC he goes on rants I don't want to hear about. Anyway, he is a PhD student and he asked me to help him with a paper he is working on cause it is overlapping with my field, I didn't mind. Then, he called me the other day and asked if I could meet him immediately, I accepted (to be fair to him he did ask me if I was going to take a lot of time to arrive, I answered with "no" then it did take me 25 minutes more than it should have) and when I called him to tell him I was almost there he answered with "are you kidding me? I don't have time", I just hang up before he could finish his sentence and went back home. Or two voice messages I impulsively sent yesterday cause I was really upset and needed to let my anger out one way or another. The first one was to the "it was just a prank, bro" dude, I lent him some more money few months ago that he promised he would pay back by the end of 2023 and still hasn't. The message went like this "give me back my money or I will kick you in the balls and break your nose" (it sounded cooler in my language lol. And I want to add that he would definitely win in a fight. ). It wasn't about the money I was just tired of him and would get upset every-time I would think about the way he is treating me. Then I followed up with another message calling him a parasite. The second one was to the dude who always berates me. Despite the way he treats he considers me as a best friend, so I have been thinking about sending him a message for the past 2 weeks explaining to him that I didn't like the way he treated me. But because I was angry the message went like this "Go fuck yourself, and fuck your so called advice. You are just trying to enforce some random criteria you have made up on me. Let me give you the same advice you give me, you are a 30 yo man so it would be about time you came back to reality and to close your asshole (which is a rude way of saying you have got a big head in my language). Also shut the fuck up.". Needless to say that he was confused and tried to call me and left me like 2 voice messages that I ignored (cause I wasn't feeling like hearing from anyone) and a screenshot from his note app saying that he was sorry that I felt that way and that he considered me like a good friend and that I was a good guy (I haven't read everything). He probably tried to contact me today, but I can't be sure cause I spent the entire day messing with my phone and installing different ROMS (OS). But yeah, I received an SMS from him few hours ago saying that he was going to press charge for "defamation and mental distress " (I think that is the correct translation), which I thought was ridiculous plus he is not the kind to press charges. But then, he has people in his life that he respects a lot and if they advised him to he would definitely do it. Plus he used the number he uses when he comes to our country to text me, on the other hand the country he is at is close enough that he could just text me from that number. I mean I think it would be ridiculous to press charges for that voice mail lol, but again some stupid law got voted few months ago that if you were caught cussing that could cause you up to 6 months of jail, and I definitely cussed. Oh and he also followed with "we obviously don't deal with conflicts the same way. There is the dirty way then there is the smart way" (Again not sure about the translation so I am using the literal one). When I saw it I was like "there is no way I am not ignoring you now"
If you managed to read the whole thing I thank you, I feel a lot better, I mean it still feels like the earth is about to swallow me whole but I still weirdly feel calm about it lol.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/bomblebeeee
Originally posted to relationship_advice + TrueOffMyChest
My (28f) fiance (30m) is ghosting me on our wedding day. How can I calm my anxiety?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: abandonment, mentions of mental health issues, emotional abuse and manipulation
My (28f) fiancé (30m) is ghosting me on our wedding day. How can I calm my anxiety?: May 1, 2024
TLDR at the bottom.
(28f) am getting married today to my fiance (30m). It's the legal document signing and our ceremony is on Saturday. I haven't slept in 24 hours I just am feeling so much anxiety.
For reference we were togetheliving together for about 3 years before becoming long distance for one and a half years. I'm back in the country for a week to visit him and family and to have our wedding.
For the last month he has been ghosting me for sometimes even weeks at a time. I know it's because he's going through a mental health crisis, but no matter how much I tell him his actions are causing me pain and straining our communication, he can't change. When he goes through rough times he absolutely shuts down for everyone, especially me. It hurts so much every time knowing that even the person he says is his best friend and future wife, he doesn't trust or respect enough to share or ease his pain.
I thought coming back to the country and the marriage would wake him up from his ghosting tendencies this past month, but it's not. He had a very important meeting at work yesterday that either meant he'd get a raise or be unemployed, and now I don't hear anything from him at all. He's ignoring my calls, he's ignoring my texts (and there are read receipts so I know it's intentionally ignored). It's the morning of, and we are literally set to sign our marriage paperwork in a few hours from now. But I was up all night because I can't shake the anxiety that this isn't what he wants. That hes just doing this to "appease" me despite this being a joint decision.
I still can't even get a hold or reach him. I try so hard to communicate everything with him, but this hurts me deeply, down to my core. Part of me wants to drive over to his apartment and beat his door down and just demand answers as to how he could treat someone he claims he loves this way. But I know he'd just shut down further, say he's sorry, and then bury himself deeper into his guilt and depression.
How can I be supportive through his mental health crisis while also keeping firm on the "this is 500000% some disrespectful and harmful behavior that is absolutely unacceptable" in my opinion. When we were about to be long distance he begged me to try it out because I knew his inability to properly communicate his feelings would be miserable over long distance. But he begged me and promised he would change. I would say he did improve but if this last month has shown me anything it's that I'm about to marry someone who has no qualms and sees no consequence in ghosting your spouse for weeks at a time.
This whole thing gives me so much anxiety I have no idea what to do. Any advice on how to calm my anxiety or maybe try to be more supportive to coax him out of the horrid way his depressive episode is manifesting would be greatly appreciated.
Before I forget, yes of course I've tried to get him to see a therapist or get on medication. For years. There is basically a 0% chance that, if it's coming from me or anyone in my family, he would ever listen to that advice. It's incredibly frustrating and not an option that I can even bring up with him anymore without the conversation devolving and him shutting me out even further.
(I will not be tolerating or responding to any accusations of him cheating or people just saying don't marry him. He is loyal but has a multitude of mental health issues, and I will marry him regardless of what anyone says on the internet. I just want some advice is all.)
TLDR: My fiance keeps ghosting me for weeks at a time and he's doing it again even on the day we are getting married which is causing me insane anxiety.
Edit: I won't be reading anything anymore, and please stop messaging me. If you see a woman who is genuinely struggling with something and clearly has no one else to turn to for advice other than random people on the internet and your response is to ridicule her and call her an idiot.... Then congratulations my last idea of seeking help has failed. Clearly I had no one else to go to, it's my wedding day and I'm on reddit. I don't know why I expected anything less than hate messages and ridicule. Maybe there isn't some magic way to help him through this period of grief, but I didn't think I deserved to be sent all these cruel messages so instantly. To the people messaging me and calling stupid, idiotic, doormat, and that I deserve whatever unhappy life awaits me, you've won.
Relevant Comments
Icy-Original: He’s been ghosting you for the last month and you thought marriage would fix this? You don’t want anyone here to tell you not to marry him when that’s the most logical and smart decision here. You’ve created your own misery and are determined to continue doing so so what do you want from us? We can’t make him unghost you and we can’t make you feel better about this decision you know is dumb as hell. You have a man with mental health problems that refuses to get help, that’s causing severe relationship issues and you’re willingly signing yourself up, aligning yourself legally to have more of these problems till death do you part? When you have kids and he ghost you then what are you going to do? I hope you get what you deserve from this situation. Whatever that entails.

OOP: This marriage has been planned for much longer than just the last month. It wasn't some solution I created by myself. And it isn't no contact for the whole month. Just a week of no contact before he comes back and apologizes for the absence due to unavoidable life events. Then contact for a week before another week of no contact before something else comes up. We spent the whole day together 3 days ago, but because of the meeting yesterday it's now been a day and a half of nothing again. To answer your question of what I'd like, compassion and actual helpful advice was what I was searching for. Not judgement and malice.

 
I was left at the altar yesterday: May 2, 2024
My life was great. My relationship was great. Until yesterday it suddenly wasn't. The last month felt a bit off but I didn't think it would lead to this. I still love him intensely. He still loves me intensely. He wants to stay with me it's just that he says he can't do marriage because he can't untie the trauma he has from the idea of it from his childhood (cult stuff).
My mom says I'll be a pathetic fucking loser if I still stay with him regardless and that he'll never be a part of the family. But I want to stay with him regardless. But I don't know if I can live with the constant fear, anxiety, and insecurites that will come from being with someone who can just leave whenever he feels like it.
My wedding is on Saturday and my family still wants to have it since it's more of a small family gathering already anyways (since his family wasn't invited due to cult stuff). My life as I know it feels completely over. I don't know what to do. The person I turned to for empathy and compassion turned to me screaming that I'm a fucking idiot. I'm only in the country for my wedding, I live abroad. My new job and my fiancee pressured me and reassured me I should already use my new married name professionally. I'm a teacher and all my kids already know me as his name.
Everything sucks and I can't stop sobbing.
Edit: to clarify. He left me while we were about to sign the marriage certificate. It's a symbolic left at the altar since there was never going to be an actual altar anyway.
Update: I told my mom that the way she phrased her advice/opinion was cruel. She told me she's tired of my drama and doesn't need it in her old age. I already had told her she was right and I knew what she said was right, but just that the way she said it was cruel. She said she no longer cares about maintaining a relationship with me and that it isn't worth the drama at her age. I apologized because she's right. I'm a piece of shit who never saw that this situation hurt and humiliated her too. I wanted to just have this be a nice party with friends and just spend time together. I'm going to try my best to keep my negativity inside so it doesn't spoil the mood and maybe there's a hope to salvage it as a good party. But I think once I return abroad that this will be the last time my mom will ever speak to me again. I don't know how I could repay her for all she spent on this wedding, but hopefully removing myself from her life will maybe make her life more peaceful and less stressful, even if it destroys me.
As for him, thank you all so much for your kindness, advice, and perspectives. It truly makes me feel better to read the comments even if they hurt and I deserve it. We will be talking about it tomorrow in person, and I've scheduled an emergency therapy appointment for myself for tomorrow morning. Ive never done therapy before, and I'm scared, but I know it's what I need. I'm so angry at him for ruining my entire life that I don't know if the love I have can salvage this.
Relevant Comments
Geezell: No, hon. You can’t be with someone who cannot effectively communicate their fears and needs and, instead, choose to run. He failed you. He does not get to treat you like that. You deserve better. Your Mom may have let her anger for you make her word things poorly but she is right….that dude does not get to have his cake and eat it too.
Go back home. Go no contact with him. Finish out the teaching contract as it. Then, my recommendation is to find a teaching job in a dream location. Maybe, be a traveling teacher for a few years. Heal. Live big. And, if you wish, find love again.

OOP: I am a travelling teacher already. I'm home right now just for the week so that I could do my wedding. Back to where I live abroad next week to live a life of isolation and loneliness.

thunderchaud: Please elaborate on cult stuff, that could literally be anything

OOP: He's seen marriage used as a way to entrap and oppress women due to the cult culture of his family. He doesn't understand that what he's done is created a tilted power dynamic where he's holding all the power and autonomy and I'm the scared, anxiety riddled one terrified he'll leave at any moment in any possible future we may have now. Which is honestly worse in my opinion.

detikripur: So many questions but at the top of my head is these: why did he agree to “marry” you? Why were you using a name that wasn’t yours for so long that your students know you by that name? Haven’t you talked beforehand with him? Was this relationship one sided?

OOP: He asked me to marry him. My job told me to start using his name because the school year started in April and I would be changing my name in May. I said no it felt like I'd jinx it. I called him and he said stop being such an over thinker and just use my name. I talked with him, he reassured me. It's been 3 weeks that my kids know me as that name. And to be honest yes it does feel one sided. But not in the way you're implying.

 
Update: I was left at the altar yesterday: May 8, 2024
For a brief recap, I was going to the officiant to sign my marriage license with my fiance (who I'd been with for 4 years). He chickened out and said he couldn't marry me and ruptured my image of us. TLDR at bottom.
On to the update. Since I was so brutally humiliated, it really made me think back on all the not great parts of us. He was always very gaslighty whenever I'd claim his actions reflected the opposite of his words (I respect you, I care for you). So I ended up talking to him. I asked him to define what his definition of loving someone, respecting someone, caring for someone, and trusting someone means. Needless to say they were twisted and not healthy at all. I tried to make him see that and he had a few moments of holy shit I think you're right, I don't actually trust or respect you.
Now just because he admitted it didn't mean the crazy selfish actions didn't continue throughout the entirety of the conversation. It was so crazy how I'd never been able to articulate it in a way to where he actually understood before. He actually had the gall to say "Wow we should have had this conversation a long time ago" because of how much he was realizing he was treating me like trash then gaslighting me about it. I was like bitch I've been trying to tell you this for years but you never respected me enough to listen and I was always too emotional to articulate it properly.
Anyways, he wanted to do marriage counseling with the intent to marry at the end. I told him I'd rather break up because the power dynamic is too shifted and I don't feel like it's salvageable. With how he was listening to me and finally acknowledging and understanding me and his own actions I was hopeful for maybe a friendship one day in the distant future. But after a teary, bittersweet goodbye, he absolutely ruined it with yet another selfish action right at the last moment.
I didn't want to be touched or do physical affection for multiple reasons. One of the main reasons being he uses it for comfort when he's feeling sorry for himself. I had just spent 3 hours explaining how he never thinks of me in any of his actions, and maybe it's cruel of me to keep that last kiss or whatever, but it felt selfish and manipulative to me. So after an actually heartfelt goodbye and promise to be better people in the future, we part ways. Only for him to run back to me to try and do some romantic swoop in and kiss me. I recoiled really fast and honestly just stared at him incredulously. Like he had just ignored everything I had just said. That was the moment I went from sadness and grief from losing something so important to me, to just numb and angry about it.
I haven't cried since, I don't even feel sad when I think about him because all I can think about is how angry the whole thing makes me feel. I'm 28 and feel like I wasted my good years on someone who had zero regard for me in any capacity. I developed so many new insecurities, confidence issues, and trauma from 4 years with him and now I have to navigate the dating pool again with all of that (in a foreign country no less!)
TLDR: I broke up with him and I'm just angry now.
Relevant/Top Comments
Libra_8118: How are you and your mom doing? It sounds like you left your home and family for him. Are you thinking of coming back home?

OOP: Both my family and him are in America. I left for me, my dreams, and career. I'm actually thankful that I can go back abroad to be away from him and honestly I need some time away from my mom as well.

Forward-Cockroach945: Bravo I'm so proud of you for finally ending it with him. It's likely he only "understands" you now as a form of gaslighting and trying to placate you . I know it hurts now but with time you will heal and be stronger. Don't worry about dating right now, worry about loving yourself and nurturing yourself. Give yourself all the love support and understanding you normally gave to him. You deserve it. I hope your therapy visits go well and help you build up your self worth and bullshit detector. I'm so glad to hear you took the right steps towards a healthier happier life
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nocontact4you
None of my family knows this trip will be the last time they see me.
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest & Poems
Thanks to u/lolfuckno for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, cancer, ableism, bullying, abandonment, emotional abuse of a child, verbal abuse, neglect, lies
MOOD SPOILER: Depressing
Original Post Feb 4, 2024
Firstly, I’m okay, physically anyway.
Honestly, I have no idea who this is for, but I think I just need it out of my head.
The circumstances of my birth were complicated. I broke up two marriages, and my family has never been shy about how they feel about me for that. Only one of my brothers has gotten drunk enough to tell me to my face that he resents me for existing, but I know it exists within all of them, at least in some way. Im much younger than all my siblings, and there was so much that happened out of our hands that I made excuses, but my whole life, I’ve never quite felt “part of the family”.
As a child, I told myself we’d make up for lost time once I got older and we could talk as equals. Now, at 23, I see glimpses of the life I wished I’d have, but in the end, I’m always too much trouble to involve. I hear EVERYTHING from my father. I had to find out my niece was in a car accident from him; I had to find out my other niece had a miscarriage from him; I had to find out my oldest brother had a BRAIN TUMOR haphazardly on a phone call with my father, which he didn’t even know I was unaware of.
I’ve known for a while I’m the only one trying, but for the sake of my dreams, I’ve given every opportunity for them to let me in, but I just can’t do it anymore.
I have a psychiatric service dog who aids me with CPTSD. He is the single greatest thing to happen to me. Not only did he save my life from myself, but he has made life livable. He can tell when I’m panicking and he knows pressure therapy to help me through an attack. He stops me from hurting myself in meltdowns, sits with me until the only noise I can hear anymore is his snoring on my lap. He allows me to go grocery shopping by myself. He is my soulmate, and anyone who knows me knows how important he is to me.
My dating life isn’t thriving, so I took a shot in the dark and asked my niece if she minded if I brought my service dog as my plus one for her wedding at the end of this month. I have to fly across the country to go, so I will be bringing him anyway since I cannot fly alone. I figured it couldn’t hurt to see if he could not have to stay in the hotel all night. I do not technically need him for the event, since I’ll know every guest and I will be drinking pretty heavily to cope, but getting to spoil him with a bow-tie, dancing, and STEAK, sounded like the perfect reward for helping me on my flight. Several times, I emphasized that I understood it was an odd request and she could say no if she wanted.
She was EMPHATIC that he could come! She said even if I found a date, he could come! I was elated! For once, I felt seen, I felt cared about, I felt valued. And then I got a call from my dad. No one wanted to make things awkward, but the mother of the bride was NOT okay with a dog being at the venue. I explained that he is a trained service animal and will not impede the ceremony in anyway, and I’d of course remove him if he did. Still, he said they didn’t like it. I was so tired of hearing everyone else’s words through my father. He won’t be around forever and sooner or later, they will have to start talking to me
I had one request: let the bride tell me. When I asked her, she said yes, and until she told me she changed her mind, I was under the assumption he could go. Well, I never heard back. My dad kept dropping hints when i’d call him, but I told him what my expectations were. When I RSVP’d, I put my dog as my plus one on the response to let them know I wasn’t backing down this time. At this point, I didn’t even care if she said he couldn’t go. I just wanted to hear it from her.
The next morning, I woke up to an EMAIL from my father. Not even a text, a fucking email explaining that my niece didn’t want to be the bad guy, but my dog was NOT welcome at the wedding. He said he was sorry, but he could still come with me to the hotel if I wanted.
Something inside me broke, I think. I think I realized this is truly a helpless case. They are never going to respect me the way I crave them to. To this day, not one of our conversations has been started by them. I always initiate, and now, the one time I request a direct contact, I get an email.
Family means everything to me. Over the last few years, i’ve redefined what a family can be, and if right now, my family needs to be a very damaged orphan and their service animal, I’m grateful I have that much.
So, I’m going to the wedding, and then I’m never going to talk to any of them again.
And the sad part is, I didn’t even think they’re going to notice.
Update:
First, thank you to everyone for the kind words, and all the advice. It sincerely means so much that so many people care. I want to address all the questions about why I want to go to this wedding at all. There are plenty of practical reasons that I can name, but the truth is, I need to go for my own closure.
I have a strange relationship with death, and loss. My mother died when I was 5; my family split up right after. I’ve lost several caregivers to serious diseases, grieving their death as they lived. I’ve learned how to navigate MY grieving process. If I don’t go to this wedding, I will regret it. Not only is it my last chance to see my childhood family all together in one place, but if I don’t go, I show them they can bully me. I do not want to make a spectical of my trauma with them, but that does not mean I have to walk away with my tail between my knees.
I’m not scared of them. My relationship is non-existent, but I did see my siblings/cousins/neiecesandnephews fairly regularly. When I was a kid, they intimidated and bullied me into silence, but I’m not a child anymore. I lived with these people; I can manage one night, if for no other reason than to prove they cannot control me.
Thanks again for all the kind words. Happy to provide a pupdate if someone can tell me how to post pictures from the app?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
When told not to go to the wedding

I spent $700 on a plane ticket and $200 on a suit. Least I can do is go drink someone else’s liquor and dance my worries away. Besides. It feels like goodbye

&

The cherry on top is they are all very conservative Christians, and I will be going in a suit with my hair dyed green and makeup done to the nines, so this will be my biggest “fuck you, I’m here anyway” I can pull off. Truthfully, my father’s memory is starting to go as he gets older, so even if I did explain my feelings, he will end up sharing anyway, so I’ve made my peace with the fact that it will be a one-way-street because lord knows they’re not gonna ask what I’m up to.

When told to call the bride directly

The last 20 years of trauma will not be solved with one phone call. This was their last chance to prove to me they want me in their lives. It’s not about the dog. It’s the fact that all I asked is to be treated like a person and talked to directly, and they have proven to me they don’t care, so I’m leaving. I already did my job of reaching out to her and she said yes. Why is it my job to reach out and make sure she hasn’t changed her mind?

When told her father is an asshole and he is the one responsible for everything

THANK YOU! I have felt like the only one who cannot fathom how that conversation could be had over EMAIL?? It’s sadly not uncommon for them to communicate through him, and I always have the receipts after the fact when they’re no longer worried about the awkwardness. My brothers don’t even know where I work. I am building a career around my job. They couldn’t tell you what my relationship status is, and I’d be hard pressed to tell you if they knew my middle name to be honest. My father is not innocent, but they are responsible for their part in our relationship. I have stopped reaching out to them directly because I barely hear back, and it’s clear they don’t really care what I’m saying. I could honestly write a book on the road that’s led me to this choice, but who’s got the time in this economy?

Pupdate for Everyone Asking! Feb 6, 2024
He’s a 2.5 year old, Black and Tan Coonhound☺️
Dog tax
Update Feb 26, 2024
Original Story Here:
https://www.reddit.com/TrueOffMyChest/s/2MfJ98m6kP
POST-WEDDING UPDATE!
So, I went to the wedding. It went about how I expected it to go, though one can never be ready for a spontanious conga line. Sadly, there was no secret last minute invite, nor any secret plot of which the bride was unaware. She felt bad saying no, so she lied, and she didn’t want to tell me that, and she still didn’t, even at the wedding. No one really said much at all, in fact. The mother of the bride did not speak to me at all, my brother tiptoed around the subject until the end of the night. To his credit, he did apologize, “for all the dog stuff” as he said goodbye. Strangely, the apology didn’t make me feel much better.
There was no big confrontation either, mainly because no one cared to listen to me if I tried. As the reception began, part of me wondered how much I was going to miss the people, the environment, the vibe, really. Truthfully, I surprised myself with how ready I was to leave. Goodbye was short, and bittwersweet.
The venue was pretty and the alcohol was free, so I made the best of my night, but I got what I needed out of it, I think. Getting home tonight felt like a weight lifting off my shoulders. I know more than ever that I need to do this, and what I once saw as cutting my family in half, I can now see is clearing space for new family, one that cares.
Thank you for all your kind words, and all the support for my dog!
Arrogance is Bliss March 25, 2024
You don’t love me.
You love an idea of me you fabricated in your mind when I was a child.
I’m no longer a child.
I’m far from perfect, but I’m growing, I’m glowing, and I’m grieving the reality that none of you will ever know the person I become.
You call it love, but my scars disagree.
You hate my hair, my style, my beliefs—you hate me.
And the saddest part is, I don’t even think you know you do.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

My mom (51F) has always treated me younger than I am. I don’t know if it cause I am the youngest of my siblings. Or that I have a disability. Even though she has always told me to not use my disability as an excuse. I was raised to be conservative, Christian girl, conservative meaning no cussing, no showing bellybutton, or extra skin. I am going to festival. Electric Forrest. I haven’t been to anything like it. But I want to experience stuff out of my comfort zone this summer. I plan on being sober the whole time. She has heard about it from ppl at her job as a trashy druggie festival. She has now said “ not in this house I will be going to it.” Problem is I can’t drive. I have been trying but it’s 2 expensive to get driving lessons for the amount of hours I need to get comfortable with it. I have asked family but it’s not a priority to them. I work but not enough money to get an apartment. I won’t be able to get to work without her. She knows this and always throws in my face how much time/ had she spends. I pay $100 in rent. I pay for grocery too. I am messy but I do try. I have also another condition that has affected of major fatigue. She thinks I am being lazy but most of the time I am just exhausted. She nags about everything. I work 40 hours a week. It’s a physical job. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety a lot this year I want to go to this festival but if I do she will kick me out. Ik if I don’t go then my depression will get worse. This is the first thing in a while that’s driving me. I am excited about something.

Hello all!
My husband is in PA school and potentially has to move to NOLA and I can transfer since I work a federal job and there is a office there. My biggest concern is we have a two year old son, would you recommend NOLA for raising a family and how is child care cost? What are some neighborhoods you recommend we look at?

Hey mom do you trust me to make my own decisions? Because I think for the first time I want something super bad and I want to fight for it. I know it’s my fault for not getting along with my host parents but I also need you to understand that I can no longer live with them. They are drunks who can’t be relied on, and I’m a kid wanting to finish high school in the US without transferring again. The moment that I was born in America you guys had plans to let me graduate high school there. So let me do that. I feel bad for being such a burden financially and emotionally. But maybe this is just a part of parenting, and I’ve been also parenting myself. I made some risky decisions and I’ve become somewhat immoral and also a bit of a degenerate. I’ve found an empty office space that I can squat in — which is a term for living there illegally without anyone knowing. But there are also empty spaces in the office that goes for about a 350$ per month which is the amount that you guys pay the host family. Since I am qualified for free lunch I can get food from school and in the weekends I can cook for myself using cheap materials. This is how I plan on living here next year and finishing my senior year mommy. And I hope that although this is less than ideal you will come to terms that this is what I want and I hope that this time you guys will let me conquer it by myself and find my own path. I’m half a year away from 18 and I feel ready to make such bold decisions for myself. I can just keep on staying in the one unlocked and unoccupied office but because of the fact that staying there without paying this is illegal I will look into renting the small office space leasing for 350$ and I think that I can have my host family to sign the lease and that you can continue to pay the 350$ to them. I’m forever thankful for everything you do for me and I need your support for continuing to move forward.
A section that I’m scared to mention to her: I’ve tested sleeping there many times. 3 nights to be exact. When they were so drunk and threatened to kill me (which i know is just bluff but I was scared and ran to the unlocked office) I slept 2 comfy nights there. Right now I chose to sleep here again because they were arguing and extremely loud. I hope this doesn’t disappoint you.
Background info, I was born in the US but my parents raised me in a different country since they never migrated to the US. When I was in 10th grade I was sent to my aunt in the USA but I didn’t get along w her and I was sent back at the end of the school year. Currently I’m a junior, my mom managed to help me stay with her friends who is my current host family. However them and I also have our problems and living with them is stressful. My mom wants me to come back home and study back in my country. But I have falled in love with my school. The building I mention is extremely close to my school which is why It’s so desired. However I am unlikely to ever send this letter to her without modifying and filtering most of the content. I wish I could be honest with her but I think I’ll chalk it up to a friend’s dad who has a place for me to stay in.
Dear internet parents, how do you feel reading this? What are some other plan of action I could take? I’m in North of Illinois and could use all the help I could get but I’ve been denied from many organizations already.

The rift between them has caused a lot of tension in my family and now my mom wants to be in the life of her newborn grandson but refuses to address or try to mend things with my wife.
Little history: I probably introduced them too quickly. My grandmother was in town in south Florida about to move here from Illinois for a retirement community. My wife, girlfriend at the time, came with cookies or some form of baked goods like she usually does when visiting someone as a sign of affection and respect. Where it went wrong from here I have no idea. I suppose the initial crack was when wife scheduled a skitrip for her and I to have as a 1 year of dating anniversary present. We are not rich, this is a huge gift that made sense to her since I refused to let her pay rent. Our combines salaries are barely over 120k. So wife calls mom 6 months in advance because she is a planner for the sole purpose of asking my mom to watch one of our four dogs. Wife has already paid in full for the trip. Yet Mom decides it is a great idea to instead use the opportunity to hop on and take a family trip because it is the last time the family will have for a family vacation - I am the oldest of two boys and two stepsisters, my mom married the guy she left my father for who has twin girls of his own that were in the womb during the infidelity. Anyway mom completely takes over and decides to make our one year gift a family vacation, so she books tickets for a hotel nearby. Wife is bold but at the time not bold enough to stop my mom in her tracks for overstepping a boundary. At this time she still respected my mother and kind of let herself get steamrolled.
Probably skippable Family history: Now I have always had issues with my mother, resentment for leaving my father for my stepdad behind my own fathers back and constantly trying to keep brother and I from seeing “Disneyland dad who doesn’t do any of the work but gets all the fun.” my mother was very strict growing up, always bringing us to church and making my father feel guilty for not bringing brother and I on his weekend. So mom marries stepdad age 11, divorces him around 13 after asking me advice for her relationship and i encourage her to move out. Then remarries him and moves us back into his house age 15. Here I begin rebellion and normal teeenager stuff but stepdad won’t butt in because he isn’t my “biological father” so would have my mom intervene brother and i from behind the scenes. For example, I am young and messing around on the piano because music is important and I never had any formal training and mom comes in to tell me stepdad “wants to know when the concert is going to end because it is a little annoying.” Anyway, they have me prescribed adderall at 16 and in the parking lot holding my first prescription I am told that they would like me to move out and in with my father, who had chased us every time mom and stepdad moved several miles away (5 moves from age 5-15 all in one county). Anyway, brother and I are recovering alcoholics with (my) slipups triggered from interactions or visiting my mom, which mom claims is genetics from my father alone and has nothing to do with her. Maternal grandfather, mother, and I have some nasty temper problems which certainly are exacerbated by drinking (at least mine and moms).
Skitrip revelations: Wife and I are on the way to brothers graduation in Chicago, and wife has yet to reveal to me that my mother has taken over her massive investment of a couples ski vacation and it will now be a family vacation for mom, stepdad, brother, two stepsisters who are all getting out of gradschool. On the way to the airport I am told the news by future wife of my one year surprise. So I get upset and call my mom to call it off. She obliges my request and now holds resentment against me and now wife for “ruining her last family vacation.” Fine, whatever. Mother never says a word about it for months until we are out for a distant family members birthday dinner and at a table of about 8-10 people that are having a group conversation and gets real close to my wife’s ear and tells her privately along the lines of “you deprived our family of our last family vacation.” During this time my wife is frantically tapping my leg under the table because my mom can get a little aggressive. My mom saw this and later (privately to me) mocked her for doing it to my leg under the table.
Christmas blessings: Closer to Christmas maybe 2/3 weeks later we went to go see my mom and my mom had a couple drinks in her (not an alcoholic like brother and I just very sensitive to a couple glasses of wine and occasionally some hidden sips of wine or something) and invites my wife to Christmas church and out to dinner after because the family needs photos for a Christmas card and future wife “will be the photographer for it.” Now this can easily be a nothing comment but given the way my mom had been making future wife feel, it was taken as an insult. So wife declined church and showed up to family dinner just in time for photography session to be over.
The distance: Then mom moves to a fancy house up the coast and invites us up to visit. At first it is ok to bring the 4 dogs then the day before she says they will not have dogs at the house and we can easily find a sitter. 2 Dogs don’t get along, they need to be separated always as there has been two attacks on one from the other, so we can’t trust someone to come to the house and keep them separate and we won’t board 4 dogs it’s too expensive for us. Anyway we go back and forth being invited with the dogs then they retract the offer and say pick one dog to bring and leave the others and it’s just annoying, so we say forget it and don’t go. But my brother becomes engaged and decides to throw his engagement party at my mom’s new place near the beach. Great. First all the dogs are welcome, then day before they say it is too chaotic and she will pay for a small hotel room for one night for future wife and her dogs and my one (the attack dog) can stay in a crate at the house with me but I may not leave the dog to stay with her. And no reasonable cheap hotel in the area is going to accommodate 4 dogs. Anyway wife is stressed but feels obligated to come because I am the best man and I stay at the house while she checks her dogs into the hotel. Wife had made a cheesecake and brought it up in a separate car from me, 4 hour drive by the way, and night of.. my mom says no desserts for engagement party dinner, the dessert is themed or some crazy stuff. Wife shows up to dinner a little later and very flustered because of the situation plus I had relapsed on a bottle of whiskey a couple days prior to seeing my mom. Related, I don’t know. Anyway. Mom has had a couple drinks and future wife and I are talking about having children and religion comes up. Mom asks what we were thinking of doing about baptism or not and I jokingly said (guiltily to get on my moms nerves a bit) that he would have a bris and would love it if she would come to the bar mitzvah. now my wife’s mom was forced to convert from Catholicism to Judaism for her own mother in laws acceptance for a failed marriage so wife is not religious, but it hurt my wife and reasonably so when my mom replied “oh, son, I raised you better than that.” Still no acknowlegement of fault from that comment and mom thinks wife is “overly sensitive, dramatic, and childish” for wanting an apology for it.
Weddings: Future wife becomes current wife. We had gotten engaged on our next anniversary trip she planned for us. I proposed on our bike and barge through tulip season in holland with our feet in the water of the North Sea after a picnic in the dunes. her family business manufactures photo albums for professional photographers, so aside from our families all being divorced, estranged, difficult, and us trying to save money, we did not have a wedding, we just did the paperwork within a month of the proposal. I had already decided to have a baby with her before the trip so we were trying. 2 weeks before brothers wedding in Tennessee we become pregnant, so we break news immediately as to not steal limelight from brothers expensive wedding. Mom says she will cover cost of rental car so we can save money. Ok great. She books the tiny car and we pack it and head up the Smokey mountains to the cabins we are staying at. Two cabins for grooms family, one for his mother and one for his father, ten paces from each other: they havnt spoken but twice im since divorce in 1995 but through lawyers. Grandmother, mother, stepdad, 2 stepsisters and one boyfriend stayed in mom’s side. Wife and I stay at father’s side cabin with just his wife. His Wife’s 3 daughters and family’s stayed a town away down the mountain among extended family. Anyway, beautiful wedding takes place. My wife is sent into town to collect flowers and run errands for my mom which she happily obliged to since she is a solitary person and did not want wedding day drama. Day after, we are loading our rental sedan with our bags. Mom and grandma need a ride to the airport and our flight is before theirs so they will drop off the car for us 4 hours or so after we go to the airport 5 hours from current time. We’re loading the car. Stepcousin passed out in mother’s cabin night before and needed a ride. Disorganized brunch for 20 people is trying to be made. Father’s wife’s daughter books a reservation for 10 people which include her family, her sisters, me, my wife, dad, and their mom. My stepdad had left for home at this point as he had taken his own suv instead of flying with my mom and 90 year old grandma. So mom is trying to pack grandma in the car with bags and my wife and stepcousin. At this point mother asks stepmother if she and grandma are on reservation for the brunch. Stepmom says no they are not, she wasn’t sure of their plans. Mom says under her breath “fucking assholes, so typical,” and she goes into a bit of a rage to which my stepmom says here “it’s ok I will call and add you two it’s no big deal.” So we continue packing the car and realize we won’t all fit. So my wife tells my stepcousin to go ride with my father to the restaurant 10 minutes away we will meet you there. Mom says to wife, “no you go with the father.” Wife says “no I am going to ride with my husband” mom gets close to her face with her finger and says “this is my car, you can fucking Uber!” Wife is 6 weeks pregnant at this point and it all escalated from here. wife and mother start yelling at each other swearing at each other and we get into the car, mom behind wife who was in shotgun. 2 occasions on the trip I had to stop the car because mom had taken off her seatbelt to stand over the seat and scream in my wife’s face with so much vigor that spit came on to her face multiple times. I’m trying to tell them both to behave and mom sit down shut the f up. Mom is telling wife to get the f out of the car and find a ride, she has no right to speak because she’s “new here” (dating and living together for 3 years at this point). The following brunch she apologized in a crowd with a hushed voice at a table of 20 people trying to have a group conversation again privately to my wife “I’m sorry you get so upset” and my wife told her “that is not an apology.” The following several hours in the car with grandma and stepcousin and wife were some of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. At a gas station I pulled my mom aside and said I need ther to give a huge apology, that it was so nasty and inappropriate, my brother and I are used to abusive language and aggressive behavior but to my pregnant wife and any other human being it is disgusting and unacceptable. Sitting in the car was quiet for many hours until we got to the airport. No speaking about what happened just mom happy go lucky about Tennessee and Dollywood and wife and I in shock, cousin still half in the bag from a fun wedding, grandma 90 years old probably confused about what happened.
The family groupchat: Im waiting on an apology from my mother to my wife who is extremely hurt and expressed to my mom loads of time she needs to reach out and apologize. We’re not talking until she will do so. It is bugging me and keeping me up at night. My appendix flares up and I am admitted to the hospital with emergency appendectomy. Still pregnant Wife suggests I reach out to mom to let her know what’s going on. So I text mom I’m at the hospital and will have surgery. I send a pic or something that on my end says hasn’t gone through. Mom group texts our family group with stepdad, his daughters, brother and his wife, and grandma that I am in the hospital and attaches the pic I sent of me in there. Then she continues to rave about the success of her startup company and how they got FDA approved clinical trials finally completed or some pivotal moment that made the text about her. Wife and I are in a hospital so the picture comes up on moms end as unable to have been sent. Mom assumes that my wife has blocked her phone, so mom removes my wife from the chat. Wife is rushing home to take care of the dogs at this point and is not alerted on her phone, but on everyone else’s phone it clearly reads “(mom) has removed (wife) from the chat.” Immediately I text my mom and basically say how dare you do that to her she is the one who insisted I let you know out of respect and mom responds with blah blah she did this she did that I will not have it. So I go back to the family chat and remove mother. At this point I let everyone in the chat know what my mother has done and how she refuses to take responsibility for how she made my wife feel, address her feelings, apologize or do anything at all to reach out about the wedding incident or even inquire about the wellbeing of the pregnancy for her first grandchild. Stepdad finally steps in and tells me “enough.” Grandma says “shame on you.” I am dumbfounded. This is a hush hush family that hates to have anything out in the open and likes to maintain a picture perfect image. For examples; 1) I and wife were on the family Christmas card of a photo taken at the wedding that the whole world received except for wife and I. 2)brothers alcoholism was to remain hidden from the family as was his rehab treatment and how it affected his career. Now understand that they like to keep things quiet but that is not how I want to handle my problems, these things trigger alcohol use and violent outbursts on my part that I no longer wish to live through. Now appendectomy’s are pretty simple so I recovered quickly (it don’t rupture we just took it out). But during the time I was scheduled to be under anesthesia, stepdad reaches out to wife to have a chat and clear the air. Wife waits until I come to so i can be there and I hear the conversation. He claims to be here as a middleman like a business meeting to fix things once and for all. Wife and I are like wow great. He then proceeds to double down on my moms behalf that they will not be apologizing or meet any of her demands as she had already apologized as confirmed by 90yo grandma who was in the car and my mother herself. The term he used was stalemate to describe the situation. Wife and I are shocked but she has me keep quiet to show me what he will say. He proceeds to yell at her and they were screaming at each other, again steamrolling the conversation assuring us that he was down the middle yet maintains that mom has made a sufficient apology that needs to be accepted and wife needs to grow up and move on, then wishing her luck with the baby and a nice life. Next day I call stepdad to see how it went. He reassures me that he has done all he can and everything is back to normal. At this point I call him out and tell him I was conscious and explain to him what an apology is. But there is no dialogue with this guy like there is no dialogue with my mother. He proceeds to talk loudly over me like she does and basically call me a piece of shit for the amount he and mother have done for me. I speak to him first time like I never have before by calling him a hands off father and a pussy of a man who finally reaches out while he thinks I am under anesthesia to yell at my wife then pretend it’s cool, and I basically tell him he has never done a single thing for me to try and develop me into a man or nurture me as a child into an adult, but he thinks taking me on fishing trips and ski vacations are equivalent to love and nurturing growth and development just like my mom does. I reassure him that he has no right to talk about family being that he ruined his own as well as mine and couldn’t even tell my dad to his face that it was him who was sleeping with my mom behind his back when my dad came to him very upset as a friend when he got an anonymous phone tip at work one day. Then him and my mom laughed about it in court when my dad brought it up during the divorce. We ended with swearing and I felt very happy for finally giving my true feelings to him.
The birth: Months go by and nobody has said a thing. I can’t sleep at night seeing how much love I am getting from my father and his side for the baby, and my wife’s family, then thinking about how my own mother hasn’t reached out a single time. I’m dreaming about beating up my stepdad and it’s driving me mad. So weeks before the due date I reach out to my mom begging her to clear things up and apologize to my wife. Nothing. A week later i tell her how disappointed and abandoned I feel and want her in the family. Nothing. Baby comes a couple days early. Everyone is excited. Mom texts me begging for photos and to let everyone know. I tell her my brother and two stepsisters have received photos. I ask her to please reach out to wife she still needs to make amends for what’s happened between them and all she needs to do is reach out. Mom’s responses have been defensive, derisive, projecting, playing victim and referring to herself as a kicked puppy. Telling me my wife needs to apologize to her and making the conversation about mother son instead. She is beating around the bush. And she is sending me photos of my own baby that I did not send her. Her friends are congratulating me that I did not tell. Again she is pretending that everything is ok and it is not. She asked me to apologize to her husband for what I said on the phone that day. I said ok, watch this. So I sent the guy a message that was very apologetic and not passive aggressive or backhanded comments in any way. Still my mom won’t say anything.
Now: Baby is 6 days old. He is the best thing in my life and I wish my family were involved but it seems like I am living in a fantasy world where everyone can be happy together. I can be a jerk and have a terrible relationship with my mom, but I want more than anything to just feel loved enough where she can swallow her pride and make amends with my wife. Thats it. And she asked the other day to put a family group chat so everyone can be involved… for real? I know she is stressed with a high pressure job, but it seems heartless to me. She asks what big items she can get for the baby. Mom, baby is here we have everything for a couple months already. I said the biggest thing you can do is reach out and have a heart to heart with my wife so this rift can end and we can at least be cordial if you two can’t get along. I don’t think it will happen.
How do I mend this relationship between my wife and my mother?

I have a lot of questions about everything, my fiancé recently left last week for BMT training and it's been super hard but just knowing as much information as I can has helped me get through the first week.
I guess i'm just coming to just get a general consensus of how graduation will be, will we spend time together? will he be able to come back to the hotel with the family for a little?
I don't really know what I have to ask I just know I have a lot of questions lol, any answers are appreciated. We're also planning to get married after training, should it happen during or right after tech school??

growing up, my dad was always (for lack of a better word) an asshole. he was emotionally/physically abusive towards my mom consistently throughout my childhood. so you can understand the type of guy my father is, my mom couldn’t have female or male friends bc she would be accused of hooking up with them, if my mom had a job she was accused of hooking up with her coworkers, if my mom held the priest’s hand too long when shaking his hand after service she was accused of wanting him, etc. every birthday, christmas, thanksgiving, any special occasion was always ruined with an argument from him. i could do a million things perfectly right in my athletic games and one mistake would grant me a ride home where i all my happiness was crushed by an earful of how bad of a game i had. my dad was always right, everything he thought and said was the truth regardless if he was proven wrong or not. after every argument there was sometimes an apology, (only for him to do the same thing again) or my mom and i would get our favorite icecream or bouquet of flowers the next day. it was a constantly cycle of trying to get over the last thing my dad did to hurt us. my mom put up with a lot, and stayed with my dad for the sake of the family.
around the age of 17 the emotional abuse and manipulation that I had watched happen to my mom over the years started happening to me. my dad’s jealousy, anger issues, and untrusting nature was turned up to a 10 and I suspect it was due to the meth he was caught doing. he swore he had quit after being caught, but I know he never did. he was 250 pounds and probably ways just about as much as I do now (135) just in a couple of months. he started becoming paranoid, unsafe to be around, and overall crazy. he raped my mom, he pulled a gun on my mom and I, he shut my leg in a door trying to lock himself in his room bc stole my moms credit card to prevent us from getting a hotel room for the night bc he was acting crazy, he was just doing so many things where it because unsafe for my mom and I. after he had pulled a gun on us, my mom and I filed a restraining order against him and I have not had dropped the order since.
that was back in 2022. since then, he has broken the restraining order multiple times by calling me from different phone numbers, having random people contact me telling me to text him, leaving me voicemails acting like he got into a car accident so I would call him back, send me long messages about how much he misses me and loves me but then turn around and tell me all his crazy delusions about my mom that aren’t true and say terrible things about her. I have always had this underlying fear that my dad will kill himself one day for not having me in his life. I resent him for so much and everytime I have tried to rekindle our relationship he always ruined it. for example, I answered one of his million phone calls to ask him to stop making random people text me telling me to contact him. we got into a yelling match and he ultimately told me to shut the fuck up, which I hung up the phone in response. he will do all that but in the same breath preach about how lonely and sad he is without me in his life. I feel a sense of guilt for ignoring him and cutting him out of my life but he doesn’t think anything is his fault. he doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to him regardless of how many times i tell him. he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. he tells me all the things he’s done for me like buying me my first car, as if that is some representation of how much he loved and cared for me. I feel guilty reading all his sad messages about how he misses me, but I can’t bring myself to let him in again.
he has missed all my biggest moments because of what he has done. he missed out on my high school graduation, my senior club volleyball season, and now im in college where he is missing my college years and my college games. so much time is passing and we both know it. I just don’t think he will ever change his ways.

Hi, I'm 17 (F), and I live with my parents. For a while now, I haven't been able to afford basic necessities like shampoo, conditioner, feminine products, underwear, and bras. What do I do? I am constantly reminded to get a job, but almost every day I submit at least two applications. For jobs I've gone to many interviews and nothing It's hard to get money nowadays. And my original plan to sell items at school wouldn't work because I am not currently in school. At all I know this seems like a lot, but it is to completely understand my situation. So that I can get good and proper advice. I'm not allowed to go outside or leave the house on my own either. So what do I do? How can I earn money?

My boyfriend (24) and I (23) live together in a town about 6 hours away from both our families, having grown up in the same town. We reconnected while I was on school break and have not stopped hanging out since. It’s been a little over 3 years. We were madly in love until about 1 year and a half ago, since then, we fight mostly all the time. One week, we got into big brawl outs every single day. For some reason, we cannot communicate calmly, and there’s always a problem. He insists I do not listen, but I don’t know what it is I’m not hearing? I swear I’ll hear every bit and give him my opinion and I didn’t listen. He’s very reactive and and progressively has gotten more angry. He says he will work on his anger if I work on my listening skills and that it’s my fault if he calls me “bitch” or “whore” or ugly. So many names you wouldn’t believe it. And I stay, mainly because we made promises about our future and he says he will never find anyone and will forever be alone if I leave him. And honestly it makes me scared for him because I know for a fact there’s a line waiting for me, not that I’m taking applications. He also has not had a job in over a year and I’ve given him so many options to get one. I even will do his applications for him. His laundry too. He cleans sometimes but hardly ever cooks and I’m the sole financial provider even though we aren’t married. I can’t even pay off school debt. I think I’m ready to break up, but I don’t know I guess I don’t know how to do it verbally and I don’t know what steps to take since we live together. I love him, I’m just so far from happy. I think I could be treated better. Let me know what I should do.

I am a trans chick, 29 F. I had started taking hormones when I was 23, then when I was 28 I stopped taking hormones for 6 months for medical reasons and have been back on them for 3 months.
This girl I knew from elementary/middle school, 29 F, when I was a cis boy, well we recently started talking again so what 15 years later. Anyways. We were talking for about a month as friends then we started getting feelings for each other so I figured I should probably tell her I'm trans. She was like can I ask some questions without seeming rude then eventually she said she's historically only dated men so let's stick to friends I was like okay. A few days go by of us not talking after that but then she hit me up and was like hey sorry id like to keep talking if that's okay? And we kept talking everyday for like 2 more months.
Other than her saying let's stick to friends that one time, she seemed interested in me. For example, we were talking about how dates are stupid because people try to hide their faults to seem perfect, if I'm going to date someone I want to know their faults up front. She agreed then asked me what my faults were. We made plans to go to some concert and camp in August so figured we should probably hang out before that.
So We finally hung out after like 3 months of talking. She never said if it was a date or not but we walked her dog, went out to eat some lunch, went to her favorite book thrift store, went back to her house and talked for a couple hours then played some Mario kart for a while then it was 1am and I went home, seemed like it went really well I didn't want to make a move being unsure of her feelings, I respect her. I thought well seems like we really clicked, I wasn't sure if I liked her before cuz we hadn't hung out yet but after hanging out I was pretty sure I liked her. I thought I should wait for her to message me since she is the one that never clarified her feelings.
After 4 days of not hearing from her I hit her up and was like hey I had a good time hanging out the other day. I know you're busy but we should hang out again sometime soon. And then 7 hours later(which is odd for us, we've been talking for a few months everyday) I get a reply saying yeah we can figure out a time. And I said sweet. So we hung out not last Saturday but the Saturday before, I messaged her that Wednesday, it's now been like 10 days and I haven't heard anything which is weird for us. We usually Talk everyday.
So I'm really confused. Like why did she reply and say we can figure out a time but never responded or hasn't hit me up since. She could have said she's not interested or lets just stay friends or just not replied. We're super open and honest with each other. Should I be taking a hint and moving on? Am I supposed to reach out again? Even though I don't want to seem to eager, and I figure if she wants to talk she will hit me up. Idk.
Backstory, about 6 months ago I was in a relationship with a girl I had dated in highschool for 2 years. We got back together after 10 years. We had lived together for about a year. Her dad died and she got 150k and her and my best friend of 15 years left town together and I never heard from them again. The thing is I tried really hard for those two people and never once said anything bad, like I was a good friend and partner. And those were the two people that aren't family that I was closest to. So to be so betrayed by people I trust most and made sure to keep them in my life through the years, I just question my judgement and think I try to hard to keep people in my life because I care about them but that doesn't mean they care about me. So I don't want to try so hard for people anymore, id rather let people try for me so I know who to let stick around. What would you do?
TL;DR

Hi all. We're in an impossible position. My boyfriend (26M 26F) of 7 months has a disabled sibling in his home country who will eventually need his care once his parents are not able. He is an American citizen but was born elsewhere, moved here for high school while his family stayed overseas.
He is the long term plan for his disabled sibling and moving his sibling to the United States is not in question. He was made aware of this last week when his family came into town to visit.
I have told him I will support him and be by his side during his decision making process, but his options are basically to move back overseas to eventually be the provider for his sibling, or tell his family no and stay here. I know him well enough to know that he will not go against his family wishes.
I am at a point now where I am basically grieving this relationship. I know that I can walk away and at some point we both will have to - we're basically delaying the inevitable. This is the best relationship I've ever been in and saw a future with him and it feels like it is being taken away in an instant. After the traumatic relationships l've had to deal with in the past - he was my breath of fresh air and I'm devastated to say the least. I feel so lucky to have experienced this relationship with him. He is my best friend. Neither of us would feel comfortable having me move there since we are pretty early on, so that is also not being considered.
This isn't a decision that needs to be made asap, so I really want to enjoy the time that I have left with my best friend and would love to know if anyone has been through something similar. How can I best support him while also not hanging my emotions over him - I know that he will not allow us to stay together for too long during the decision making process because he truly does not want to hurt me.
I really cannot help but ask "why me?"

TL;DR - I’m 24w pregnant and at my breaking point with my current job. Have a new job already but it won’t pay me for 2 months. My family thinks I’m stupid bc I want to quit right now. Would It be a bad decision?
First of all Ty for reading. I’m at a huge dilemma right now that is causing me extreme stress.
I (19F) am 24 weeks pregnant and a FTM. My fiancé (21M) and I have been together for 4 years, we own a house together, have decent paying jobs and have been living together for almost a year, about to be married in July, so we are pretty put together for our age. We also have everything in order for our son, if he was born tomorrow (which I obviously don’t hope for!) he’d have everything he could ever need for his first few months of life, including crib, car seat, clothes, diapers etc. I have been very excited for this pregnancy and also wanted to prove myself as a young mom so I made sure of this before I even hit trimester 3, plus with so many big events coming up, we had an early baby shower with a diaper raffle and everything.
So my problem is I’m working full time as a CNA to help with my half of the bills, and I absolutely HATE my job. Not only is the job itself grueling, but as I get farther along in my pregnancy it has become exhausting and every day is a mental battle. My job consists of constant bending over, lifting 300+ lb residents either in bed or into chairs, sitting on my knees (well really my butt bc of circulation issues) and being on my feet majority of the day. I could put up with it easier if I had any inclination of help throughout the day. Healthcare facilities are usually understaffed, but my building recently had a walk-out of literally 20 staff members, most of them CNAs, and it leaves the rest of us short handed pretty much every day. I have had several instances of asking nurses and MACs for help and they outright refuse or come up with stupid excuses why it’s not their job. Just yesterday I reported a nurse for walking out of the room when I pretty much TOLD her to help me because I couldn’t do cares on a specific individual myself, she walked out because I was “arguing” with her. I had a huge screaming match with my managers a couple of weeks ago basically threatening to sue them if they kept putting me on this one unit, which I am almost guaranteed to take on 20 patients by myself when I work there. They are so short staffed that they can’t even afford to fire me. My paychecks have been inconsistent for months starting back when they cut all of my hours, now half of the employees left they are constantly asking me to pick up extra shifts. I constantly say no because I can barely make myself go work my regular scheduled shifts. My paychecks continue to be inconsistent because of the amount of times I’ve called in. I just have stopped caring and the only reason I haven’t walked out yet is because I want to be responsible and I know I won’t get fired for missing work anyway.
I am BEYOND over it. I have been wanting to quit for weeks, but struggled to find another job that suited my wants and needs, as I DID NOT want to be a CNA anymore so I told myself I wouldn’t quit until I had something good lined up. It’s difficult to get hired while pregnant because most employers see it as a loss due to maternity leave and pay. The thing is, I actually did find another job and have already been hired and technically making money, I just won’t get paid until after I get my license which will take bout 2 months. It’s 100% commission based but the company has trades in the NYSE and I can make really good money there if I can get clients. I am ready to throw myself and my focus into this new career, and I’ve been looking for any excuse to leave my current job, I really don’t care if I’m not getting paid atm.
I talked to my fiancé, my parents, and my bsf about this and they all pretty much told me I’m stupid for thinking I can quit my current job right now. My fiancé is actually the most supportive out of all of them but he is scared about our finances and worries about how he’s going to pay the bills on his own. Mind you, he has $5000 in personal savings and our shared account that we put money in for our bills is about two months ahead of our monthly expenses, so it’s not like we don’t have ANY money at all. I definitely don’t want to drain our savings in the meantime, but with this new career I could potentially make more than I am currently making, meaning I could soon put way more into savings than I ever was since we moved in. My parents think I should wait until after the wedding to quit my job so I know I’ll have money for the expenses, however, we already paid for majority of the venue costs and they agreed to help us with the rest of the expenses like food, my dress etc (I am NOT getting an expensive dress, it’ll be $300 at most.) they act like I will be constantly asking them for money, which I haven’t done once since living on my own, or that I won’t be able take care of myself. My plans were to get my last paycheck from my current job and put it all towards our bills. We are also expecting one last rent payment from our roommates who are in the process of moving out. At worst we will only need to take a bit out of savings and I can’t allow myself any frivolous spending until I start making money again.
I just feel trapped and like nobody close to me understands what I’m going through. I cried for like an hour last night just thinking about having to go back to work, I just have no idea how I can keep this up for another two months. My self confidence in my ability to prosper in this new job is also deflated due to my family’s reaction. Pregnancy hormones aren’t helping … I thought I’d ask y’all bc ik my family is just worried about my financial security and doesn’t want anything bad to happen. I just want to message HR tonight and never go back.
BTW my current job doesn’t offer paid maternity leave so there’s no reason to wait for that.
Any thoughts?

If you dont want to read a wall of text about the great depression please click off In 2017, My family moved back to my hometown after spending a few years in a different state due to my fathers military service. During that time we didn't have any money, and it got to the point where my grandparents had to chip in some of their money to make sure we wouldn't end up homeless, etc.
Anyways, during that year my mother connected with her foster mom, lets call her X, and X's mom, Y. Y was an old woman, in her 80s or 90s, and she was wheelchair bound. We met them at a cracker barrel, so that my mom could reconnect with X, and for us to meet her as well. Anyways, during our meal, we got biscuits after everyone had gotten some Y, took the rest of them into her purse, this had struck me as something that was odd, while the biscuits where amazing we weren't saving any of them to eat at home. Anyways, X must saw the confusion on my face and she mentioned that Y had grown up during the great depression meaning she had been a teenager or a young girl during it. This greatly intrigued me and so i wanted to hear more. X, told us that Y would often turn off the heat in the dead of winter to save on utilities, opting to use a blanket, she wouldn't let any food go to waste no matter how small it had seemed, she would wear clothes to the point of them being threadbare and X lamented that she had to practically force Y to wear new ones, she avoided letting anything at all to go to waste. As i pried more into the stories, Y spoke up and said that during the Depression her neighbors had a milk cow, and that their neighbors had just given birth, and that the mother was well past her prime in terms of being able to produce milk, meaning that they had to rely on this milk cow for anything nutritious, they where that poor that they couldn't afford any food except for the cheapest items. Anyways one day, a tax collector came in from town to collect some unpaid taxes that the family obviously couldn't pay, in fact most of the town had nothing to pay with outside of the few possesions that they had, and they where practically worthless. The tax man, decided that the best course of action would be to take the cow that the family needed so badly as a proper repayment for their debts. The family started begging and pleading with him to not take the cow, but their cries fell on deaf ears, the cow was gone and they didn't have anything to eat. During that winter most of the younger children and the baby all died from starvation, and disease, they where extremely underweight and were essentially just a skeleton and nothing else. By the next year the family had enough of the horrible conditions, and packed their bags for California, where they would live for until X, and Y moved to Georgia. 7 years have passed by since that happened, and only know do i fully grasp what Y had to live with. She was barely a young woman when the depression happened, she has seen the lowest valleys of America, and she has saw the meteoric highs of America. She had seen America where people had nothing to call their own to and seen America become the land off "Milk and honey". My parents have never been rich, but they still sacrificed EVERYTHING to give my brother and I the best life possible, I couldn't imagine the levels of pain and grief as her parents couldn't do anything to help their children out and eventually having to see them slowly wither away. She had gone from seeing people who where literally skeletons and where starving to seeing mostly Obese people. It really makes me stop to wonder to think how traumatic that must have been where despite all of the prosperity today, we could have nothing tomorrow. We live in very disconcerting times and it's making me upset to think that we might be faced with that America that our ancestors have seen. It has been 7 years and this is slowly becoming a reality, while Y has since passed away (May God rest her soul.), that memory of what was supposed to be a nice meal, has stuck with me as an extremely somber and sad meeting.