Life after lamictal

I am 20F, and a college student. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder the day I turned 18, and have been treated for it since I was 15 (my dad has it and I’ve always shown symptoms). I have been taking my meds for 5 years (lamictal, latuda, prozac). As a bit of a backstory… my first suicide attempt was last November, after my birthday. It was in response to my then abuse boyfriend breaking up with me. I took my entire bottle of Prozac and overdosed (I was told by doctors if I would’ve taken 10 more, I wouldve died).
Ever since, my life has not been the same. I quite literally can not function without my boyfriend, I don’t miss him, I miss the stability I had for two years of my life. EVERYTHING is different now. Every. Single. Thing. Waking up in the morning is my daily reminder that my suicide attempt failed. It’s humiliating.
In the start of 2024 in college I was introduced to cocaine for the first time. It was a social thing, but later became a daily thing. I got laced with fentanyl because I wasn’t careful, and ended up hospitalized. (I was fine within a few hours, just throwing up and rejecting the drugs in my system). My parents obviously found out through hospital bills, and they dragged me out of school immediately, made me come home, and demanded rehab. I somehow begged them out of it, given I don’t think I have an addiction. It was two weeks I was clean, now im back to using everyday. I can live without it, but knowing it makes me feel better, I use it. I’m trying so hard to not purchase any again, and just finish the bag I have.
I am unmedicated (for the absolut first time in my life) and struggling so badly. My parents want rehab, but I am fucking terrified. I’ve always been better at figuring things out by myself. I’m having issues with self esteem and boys. Ever since my ex and I broke up, everything has just been fucked.
I am so incredibly suicidal. To me, cocaine is better than death. That’s a shitty mindset, I know, but to me it’s true. I am in college for english and have dreamt of being an author since I was a toddler. For the first time in my life, I don’t care about my dreams.
Another HUGE issue I am fighting is the feeling that no one will ever love me. Boys are assholes, I just always seem to get entangled with the wrong ones. I don’t deserve to be loved. It’s just all I have ever wanted.
I don’t recognize myself. I am such a good person. I love people so deeply. But I am disgusted with who I have become. I’m stuck between wanting my old self back, and just wanting to end my suffering. I don’t have any plans or anything, but suicide is all I think about.
I don’t know what to do with my life. I feel like it’s over. If anyone relates to even the tiniest part of this, please comment. I’m truly at a loss.

I’ve been fairly stable for the past year now after finally being diagnosed and getting stabilized on a high dose of lamictal. I’m so grateful for all of it and I know I’m so lucky that the first med I tried ended up serving me so well
Something I didn’t expect was how much grief is associated with the remembering. I was so sad and doing terrible things to myself and I didn’t know who I was without my emotions guiding me to every decision. I wish I had been given the chance to live those years the way I am now, make friends who are healthy for me and learn hobbies and have long term relationships. I grieve the person I was and hate them a little too. I know I’m young and have time to live but I feel like I missed the best young years to this and now I’m going through that phase of adulthood when the people in my life are already past it.
Not looking for anything here but solidarity and ears to listen or advice on how to move past these feelings.

My anxiety and depression hit in college after I'd had anxiety before, massively increasing with the onset of depression. Now that I have lexapro and lamictal to keep my feelings from dipping into those deep lows for no reason, now I am left with severe anxiety and the maladaptive coping habits that keep me depressed. The idea is that I need to work on new habits and find a way to manage my anxiety. It is possible that I will be able to live a normal life with controllable anxiety (and some depression) that will both improve as I get myself into the world. I'm 34.

that's it. i just feel so insanely bad that people have to deal with me being the way i am despite years and years of trying to control this stupid disorder that's ruined my life
i only have online friends left, had a massive falling out with IRL friends that i don't miss but three years of not having anyone to see besides my parents every day is soul crushing. i'm too disabled to work after sudden onset fibromyalgia back in 2019 and i haven't found anything to help the symptoms, i am currently seeing a doctor i trust but i've literally only been to him once so there just isn't much time to really sit down and try to find the cause. he's also treating the PMDD but we're still very early in that as well. i'm on viibryd and lamictal so i'm medicated but it's too early to see real results with the lamictal. i've been more stable the past 5 days but it's like im feeling all of it at once instead of the slow burn
idk. i have only been talking to the few friends i have left maybe once or twice month for over 2 years now and that's mostly just to say "hey i'm not dead yet" they're wonderful people, i love them so much and they're all very patient and understanding and know that the pmdd is extremely severe and that the safest thing for me to do (for myself and for them) is to isolate so i can try and rest and not potentially blow up on someone during a rage episode.
my most favorite person in the world sent me a dm a few weeks ago that was essentially "you say the word and i am driving ten hours to come see you and we're going to go have fun" and i just lost it. lost my fucking mind because i read that message and all i could think was "but what about my period what if i'm in luteal" and had the worst word vomit of my life trying to express gratitude but also that i just don't know if i will ever be ready for life again. i don't know if i will ever be pleasant to be around ever again. sure, i get my good week if im lucky that cycle but it's all spent trying to recover from 10-14 days of emotional trauma made by own fucking stupid body and trying to prepare myself for The Horrors Yet to Come
i just want to go back in time and never have met these people just to save them the pain of having known someone who ended up being so profoundly mentally ill kind of out of nowhere when i tried micronor back at the end of 2021 and have been violently depressed since. it's not even that i'm upset with them in any way at all, i just feel so guilty for having made friends and now having psychic powers to know everything would go to hell so fast
i know it's illogical, i know i can't keep myself from making a connection ever again in my life because what if a bad thing happens, i know i'm in luteal on top of a late period. i fucking wish that knowing that i'm in luteal made anything better but if anything i think i feel worse knowing it's just a reaction to a hormone my body makes. i'm transgender so it's an extra kick in the teeth that not only did i get a body that doesn't look right but it doesn't work right either- so many things that have traumatized me and made me worse off mentally could have been solved if i had just ended up with a dick and balls instead of the uterus set up
i just want it to end. i am a massive burden to my parents and i know seeing me in this much pain upsets them and there's nothing they can do about it. my only sibling killed himself years ago so i'm the only child they have left. i wish that i could say "well everyone sorry but it sucks too bad and i am ready to die now" and the answer would be "aw we'll miss you but if this is the only way to make the suffering stop we'll send you out with a bang"
i'm tired. i'm trying to distract myself until the bleeding starts but i'm so scared i won't feel better this time and it's so hard to try and stay focused on literally anything through the luteal fog. i know that it's the PMDD talking but my fucking god it makes me feel all the more insane to know this is just going to keep happening to me until we throw a dart in the dark and manage to hit something that might work for a little bit
i feel like an old dog that needs to be let go of but no one else is ready so they're keeping it alive for their sake. it feels so cruel to not let me end it when i'm the one who has to sit through this for the rest of my life that i didn't ask for
this is very long and very dramatic and i am hoping that in like 20 minutes i finally get my period and then i get a little embarrassed about crying really hard on the Internet to a bunch of strangers and then get on with it but god i am so sick of this. i wish they could inflict the emotional turmoil on cis men so someone would find a fucking cure or at least acknowledge that it's real

Hi everyone,
I’ve been with my partner (27m) for almost 10 years. We got married last June. We got together before he got his diagnosis, which he finally received in 2021 for bipolar 2 and cyclothymia.
Before he was medicated he had a lot of depressive episodes for months at a time, particularly in winter, and would have sudden, aggressive outbursts over very minute things. He got so much better whilst he was on his medication, his mood was stable and he was more relaxed, didn’t have any sudden outbursts and we were getting on better than we ever had. I believe he was on 200/250mg lamictal for his bipolar and 150mg sertraline for anxiety.
I noticed he started acting differently in November last year, around 5 months after our wedding and a few weeks after his birthday. He’s always been pretty introverted, but suddenly he was meeting up and talking to friends he hadn’t seen for years, staying out late without keeping in touch, taking much more care of his appearance and becoming more vain. His memory became awful and he kept forgetting things, he also began skiving off work and neglecting his job responsibilities, as well as chores etc around the house more than usual and was listening to music constantly and always on his phone.
As the months have gone on, he’s become more and more distant from me and tells me to my face that he thinks I’m boring now and we no longer have anything in common, even though the only thing that’s altered in terms of his hobbies is how much he listens to music and goes to concerts, he’s also started running 5k every evening.
He then began saying we should have an open marriage and see other people, which is extremely out of character. He says this is the best and happiest he’s ever felt in his life, and I’m just putting him down - he’s got a very inflated sense of confidence at the moment and says he’s finally feeling like himself.
I suspected he was hyper manic as he was acting very out of character and then discovered he was altering his medication and reducing his dose. I told his doctor who had him assessed at a psychiatric facility, where they somehow concluded he wasn’t manic despite his odd behaviour.
As the months have gone on his behaviour has gotten worse, he still goes out for an entire weekend without properly keeping in touch, he’s started saying that he feels nothing towards anyone and like he’s a sociopath — saying he could stab someone and not feel anything, doesn’t feel empathy towards others etc. he’s also began having angry outbursts again over very small things and will be verbally abusive towards me. He’s now reduced his lamictal to 100mg and completely come off his Sertraline, and says he plans to come off his lamictal completely very soon. I've informed his doctor of this and they said they'll try and get him seen by a psychiatrist.
Every time I try and talk to him about how he’s feeling he just shuts down, he insists he isn’t manic or going through any sort of episode but I’ve known him for 10 years and have never known him to act like this. I feel like he despises me and he tells me he resents me and isn't sure if he loves me anymore as he doesn't feel anything towards anyone at the moment. He keeps saying we should get a divorce as we're too different now and I can't accept the 'new version' of him, which he says is here to stay.
I don't know what to do. I'm getting no support from his doctor or family, and I still feel in my heart that this is some kind of episode and isn't the real him. I'm worried if we separate he'll later regret it, even though he says he feels more like himself than ever. I love him so much and don't want to split up, but I don't recognise the person he's become.

In the beginning of april, I had this situation due to stress that made me react out of the ordinary for a week. Irritable, no sleep, impulsivity, suicidal thoughts, rapid speech ... I was only able to get to meet her almost one month after.
When she asked me how I felt, I told her I felt good, better. And she told me she thinks it's a difficulty of adapting. My father, who I have a complicated relationship almost died and I had back to back several stressing things happening at my job.
You can see on my previous post that i went to the emergency because of suicidal thoughts last week. They gave me clonazepam and told me to rest for a week.
I'm scared to not be believed because I told her I felt better, but I felt better comparatively at the beginning of april. The "I would not be suffering if I wasn't there" that was always in the back of my mind transformed into "I could just jump in front of that car" last week. I'm scared she thinks I'm lying.
My life is pretty good. I have a kind supportive boyfriend, a good job, a supportive group of friends, a family, and my brain is not able to see past the negative. It's just not able to rhink positively and just wants to get that done with.
I'm on lamictal 200 mg Seroquel 25 mg to sleep Pregabalin 200 mg for anxiety Temporary clonazepam 0.5 mg

I was prescribed Lamictal last week for focal epilepsy. Yesterday, I told my wife I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I was seeing things from my normal point of view, but also through a camera (if that camera was mounted right in between my eyes). There really is no way of describing it.
Through the latter part of yesterday and so far today, I've been feeling like I'm 17 again. Emotionally. Like there is this odd nervousness and excitement about life in general. I told a friend that it's like my parents let me take the car out for the first time or something. I'm remembering things I haven't thought about in 20+ years (I'm 39).
My wife called me after she got the kids after school. She randomly asked me if I was ok, and I burst into tears. I have no idea where the emotion came from.
Earlier, while digging around, I saw one of the top posts here from 2 years ago was someone saying they felt like they were 12 again. Like they just came alive when they started the medication and very early on, too.
Is this the experience for anyone else? I feel like my emotional brain just turned on after 20 years.

Hi Reddit fam! I've been to two different doctors who have dismissed my concerns. So turning to you for help! I'm still going to keep seeking help with my doctors in person but hoping the internet has some ideas that I could maybe explore with my doctors.
Anyway. About a year ago, I injured my wrist and during the recovery process, I was on Celebrex, a type of NSAID. At the same time, I was also taking Lamictal, which I've been taking for years now without issue. For supplements, I take Derma Klear Akne-Zyme (half the recommended dose cause the regular dose causes me some stomach upset) and Life Extension Tear Support, usually shortly after food.
One night, I decided to take all of these medicines and supplements together, which I had never done before, and some time had already passed since I last had anything to eat.
** WARNING: Very graphic and disgusting description of my stomach's reaction! **
Very quickly after that, I began to feel unwell, overall discomfort and nausea. I then had diarrhoea that was watery (as in actually like water) and uncontrollable. And simultaneously, vomiting too that was uncontrollable and thick and bitter and towards the end, just bitter foam. I also had an intense sharp pain right at my solar plexus, below the sternum (so in my stomach?) and severe stomach cramps. This went on for a good 4+ hours.
Months after that, whenever I ate too quickly or ate >50% full, I would experience pain in the same spot, sometimes intense and sharp and other times, dull ache.
Regularly too I would go through the same ordeal of vomiting, diarrhoea and stomach pains and cramps. And seemingly without any specific trigger so there's no knowing when it'll strike, much less how to prevent it. It's happened about once a month since.. and I've never had any issues like this before. I mean sure I've had food poisoning and gastric flu and the sorts before but nothing like this and nothing that's ever made me consider going to the hospital for, this has on several occasions - the severity of the pain, the intensity and frequency of the simultaneous vomiting and diarrhoea.
I was wondering if the all the medicines I had taken that night had damaged my stomach, caused an ulcer? Or messed up something somewhere and triggering some bile issues?
Anyone with any ideas, please do share. I'm pretty desperate as the doctors I've seen so far had dismissed my concerns but it's happened often enough and the pain and discomfort is so bad each time I really wanna find out what's wrong and hopefully fix it.
I know this is a disgusting one so I really appreciate those of you who have read to the end and are helping me out. Thank you!!

i strongly plead with you to not read this if you have severe anxiety/paranoia about medication like me. i do not want to trigger anybody. i won’t name specific medications except the one i’m currently afraid to start.
hi everybody. i (f20) was recently diagnosed with bp2 6 days ago. i am kinda unsure if this an accurate diagnosis, but i definitely have issues with my mood. i have depressive episodes that are so severe it becomes incredibly difficult to care for myself, and it’s made me drop out of college. i have also had VERY sparse periods of time where i might’ve been manic? not sure. i can provide more context about my “mania” if you ask in the comments.
anyways, i have always had massive anxiety about medication. i’ve been on like 6 different medications, mostly SSRIs/SNRIs, and other than two (both were horrible for me for different reasons), i have never been able to consistently take something for long enough to see if it actually works because i get insanely anxious/mildly paranoid about side effects.
i’m currently in outpatient therapy because i literally cannot take care of myself or live life at all. i was prescribed an SSRI my first month there. i took it once, it made me have the worst anxiety of my life after the first dose (it felt like i was having an anxiety attack but for an entire day and i was inconsolable) so i never took it again.
i lied and told my psychiatrist that the SSRI “wasn’t helping me despite taking it every day for two weeks”. she ended up prescribing me a new medication that i wont name for the sake of not triggering anybody, but it was an SNRI. it took me two weeks to actually try it. she was practically pleading with me to take the damn meds. so i took it. i got serotonin syndrome 24hrs after my first dose. it was fucking traumatizing.
of course, all this did was fuel my anxiety more. it’s not just anxiety anymore. it’s full blown paranoia.
the SNRI made me “manic” which i i am probably in denial about because i have some textbook symptoms… i haven’t been able to sleep for more than 3-4 hours a night for weeks, im highly irritable, and have the absolute WORST racing thoughts. the past 3 weeks have totally blipped by. my irritability gets so bad it makes me want to self-destruct. this, among other symptoms, was what prompted the bipolar diagnosis last week. so of course my psych prescribed me a mood stabilizer: Lamictal.
the nurse at my OP facility asked if i started it on friday, to which i said no. he was pleading with me to just try it. i reluctantly told him i will give it a shot and i picked it up from the pharmacy today, and i’ve been a fucking mess. i’m so scared to take it. i am going to really try to force myself to, but idk if i can do it. the paranoia is soo strong, and if this doesn’t work, i really don’t want to fucking try any more medications. which i know would be very bad if i’m truly bipolar…
idk i’m just not feeling very confident that i’ll ever be able to reach stability at this point, especially with my lack of willingness to try/stick to meds. my mood swings are kind of dangerous at this point. i feel like i’m barely getting by with my healthy coping skills at the moment, and im so scared that this new medication will make my mood worse, because if it does, i’ll probably need to be placed in inpatient.
it’s been very difficult to keep myself from self-destructing lately, and i’m scared it’ll make my mental health worse, or i’ll get very sick/die in some horrible way with this new medication. i just don’t have any hope or faith at this point and i honestly can’t say for sure if i will be starting the medication tomorrow… please idk what to do

i tried posting this in the bipolar subreddit but it got taken down, understandably so. strongly plead with you to not read this if you have severe anxiety/paranoia about medication like me. i do not want to trigger anybody. i won’t name specific medications except the one i’m currently afraid to start.
hi everybody. i (f20) was recently diagnosed with bp2 6 days ago. i’m also diagnosed OCD and GAD. i am kinda unsure if the bipolar is an accurate diagnosis, but i definitely have issues with my mood. i have depressive episodes that are so severe it becomes incredibly difficult to care for myself, and it’s made me drop out of college. i have also had VERY sparse periods of time where i might’ve been manic? not sure. i can provide more context about my “mania” if you ask in the comments.
anyways, i have always had massive anxiety about medication. i’ve been on like 6 different medications, mostly SSRIs/SNRIs, and other than two (both were horrible for me for different reasons), i have never been able to consistently take something for long enough to see if it actually works because i get insanely anxious/mildly paranoid about side effects.
i’m currently in outpatient therapy because i literally cannot take care of myself or live life at all. i was prescribed an SSRI my first month there. i took it once, it gave me the worst anxiety of my life after the first dose (it felt like i was having an anxiety attack but for an entire day and i was inconsolable) so i never took it again.
i lied and told my psychiatrist that the SSRI “wasn’t helping me despite taking it every day for two weeks”. she ended up prescribing me a new medication that i wont name for the sake of not triggering anybody, but it was an SNRI. it took me two weeks to actually try it. she was practically pleading with me to take the damn meds. so i took it. i got serotonin syndrome 24hrs after my first dose. it was fucking traumatizing.
of course, all this did was fuel my anxiety more. it’s not just anxiety anymore. it’s full blown paranoia.
the SNRI made me “manic” which i i am probably in denial about because i have some textbook symptoms… i haven’t been able to sleep for more than 3-4 hours a night for weeks, im highly irritable, and have the absolute WORST racing thoughts. the past 3 weeks have totally blipped by. my irritability gets so bad it makes me want to self-destruct. this, among other symptoms, was what prompted the bipolar diagnosis last week. so of course my psych prescribed me a mood stabilizer: Lamictal.
the nurse at my OP facility asked if i started it on friday, to which i said no. he was pleading with me to just try it. i reluctantly told him i will give it a shot and i picked it up from the pharmacy today, and i’ve been a fucking mess. i’m so scared to take it. i am going to really try to force myself to, but idk if i can do it. the paranoia is soo strong, and if this doesn’t work, i really don’t want to fucking try any more medications. which i know would be very bad if i’m truly bipolar…
idk i’m just not feeling very confident that i’ll ever be able to reach stability at this point, especially with my lack of willingness to try/stick to meds. my mood swings are kind of dangerous at this point. i feel like i’m barely getting by with my healthy coping skills at the moment, and im so scared that this new medication will make my mood worse, because if it does, i’ll probably need to be placed in inpatient.
it’s been very difficult to keep myself from self-destructing lately, and i’m scared it’ll make my mental health worse, or i’ll get very sick/die in some horrible way with this new medication. i just don’t have any hope or faith at this point and i honestly can’t say for sure if i will be starting the medication tomorrow… please idk what to do

i strongly plead with you to not read this if you have severe anxiety/paranoia about medication like me. i do not want to trigger anybody. i won’t name specific medications except the one i’m currently afraid to start.
hi everybody. i (f20) was recently diagnosed with bp2 6 days ago. i am kinda unsure if this an accurate diagnosis, but i definitely have issues with my mood. i have long depressive episodes that are so severe it becomes incredibly difficult to care for myself, and it’s made me drop out of college. i have also had VERY sparse periods of time where i might’ve been manic? not sure. i can provide more context about my “mania” if you ask in the comments.
anyways, i have always had massive anxiety about medication. i’ve been on like 6 different medications, mostly SSRIs/SNRIs, and other than two (both were horrible for me for different reasons), i have never been able to consistently take something for long enough to see if it actually works because i get insanely anxious/mildly paranoid about side effects.
i’m currently in outpatient therapy because i literally cannot take care of myself or live life at all. i was prescribed an SSRI my first month there. i took it once, and it made me have the worst anxiety of my life after the first dose (it felt like i was having an anxiety attack but for an entire day and i was inconsolable) so i never took it again.
i lied and told my psychiatrist that the SSRI “wasn’t helping me despite taking it every day for two weeks”. she ended up prescribing me a new medication that i wont name for the sake of not triggering anybody, but it was an SNRI. it took me two weeks to actually try it. she was practically pleading with me to take the damn meds. so i finally took it. i got serotonin syndrome 24hrs after my first dose. it was fucking traumatizing.
of course, all this did was fuel my anxiety more. it’s not just anxiety anymore. it’s full blown paranoia.
the SNRI made me “manic” which i i am probably in denial about because i have some textbook symptoms… i haven’t been able to sleep for more than 3-4 hours a night for weeks, im highly irritable, and have the absolute WORST racing thoughts. the past 3 weeks have totally blipped by. my irritability gets so bad it makes me want to self-destruct. this, among other symptoms, was what prompted the bipolar diagnosis last week. so of course my psych prescribed me a mood stabilizer: Lamictal.
the nurse at my OP facility asked if i started it on friday, to which i said no. he was pleading with me to just try it. i reluctantly told him i will give it a shot and i picked it up from the pharmacy today, and i’ve been a fucking mess. i’m so scared to take it. i am going to really try to force myself to, but idk if i can do it. the paranoia is soo strong, and if this doesn’t work, i really don’t want to fucking try any more medications. which i know would be very bad if i’m truly bipolar…
idk i’m just not feeling very confident that i’ll ever be able to reach stability at this point, especially with my lack of willingness to try/stick to meds. my mood swings are kind of dangerous at this point. i feel like i’m barely getting by with my healthy coping skills at the moment, and im so scared that this new medication will make my mood worse, because if it does, i’ll probably need to be placed in inpatient.
it’s been very difficult to keep myself from self-destructing lately, and i’m scared it’ll make my mental health worse, or i’ll get very sick/die in some horrible way with this new medication. i just don’t have any hope or faith at this point and i honestly can’t say for sure if i will be starting the medication tomorrow… please idk what to do

So I had a somewhat late diagnosis (37 years old) of BP2, and after years of SSRIs/SNRIs which essentially numbed me to the point where, though the SNRIs basically helped me get into a super-high earning job, essentially (my theory) they made me feel ok to basically be antisocial and stay by myself just focussing on my work. In fact, the theory is that they pushed me into hypomania (hence the BP2 diagnosis) which then fuelled my workaholism.
Anyway, I've been on lamictal as a monotherapy for around 2 months - until I was up to 200mg I became super hypomanic and even had an incident where I drank too much, blacked out and fell over. Since I've been on 200, I've been way more stable...but the depression is definitely apparent.
I think partially this is because the lamictal has toned down all the noise in my brain - but I've been ruminating recently on the fact that I'm super socially stunted. All my friends are younger than me and are way more well adjusted (all have SO's, make similar money, and just in general have their life way more together).
I spoke with the psychiatrist recently, and he agreed to up the dose to 300mg - but I've been on 250mg for the past couple of days and the depression is still there, and possibly worse. He suggested adding on Abilify, but I'm kind of resistant to the idea of polytherapy. On the plus side, I no longer ruminate on negative stimuli, but I feel like its basically exposing all the shortcomings in my life and making me feel way worse.
Did anybody else have this experience? Or is lamictal basically not for me?

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I six years ago when I was in a domestic violence relationship and was prescribed Lamictal. Since then, my life circumstances have improved dramatically. My new psychiatrist, who I started seeing after moving, has questioned my diagnosis and suggested tapering off the medication. I agreed and have been tapering off for four weeks. I feel fine except when I reduce the dose by half each week; during the first few days after each reduction, I feel foggy.
This last week, I stopped the medication completely and have been experiencing significant memory issues and brain fog—it feels like I am stoned. Will these fog and memory issues go away? Sometimes, it feels so severe that I can’t even remember how to form a solid thought. Wondering if maybe I take a small dose again and taper even more slowly or stick it out a few more days. I have a follow up with my psychiatrist end of next week.

Basically I have a history of a mood disorder, not clearly just depression but not clearly in the bipolar category either. I briefly had a bipolar diagnosis after an SSRI reaction, but it was later removed as it didn't totally seem to fit. I have PMDD which complicates things. I often wonder if my hormones just got a little out of whack and that is the root of everything. Birth control helped and I don't get a period anymore so I don't get those massive swings that time of the month.
I have had bad reactions to several psych meds including almost being hospitalized with an SSRI. Oddly got irritable on lamictal, too. It might be a metabolism thing, though, as it happens almost immediately after taking them and at small doses. I also find things like sleep, exercise, stress, amount of caffeine, exposure to sunlight, all affect my mood. Sometimes I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed irritable or depressed. My irritability can be intense, like I want to punch a wall. People who know would not say that I am a generally short tempered person, but on the wrong day at least internally it is quite bad. I can get pretty bad mood swings. I can be okay one week, but feel hopeless and like I don't want to live another week. But, given the right "ingredients" in life, I can feel okay sometimes even quite good. Side note is I have OCD that interacts with these moods and gets worse when my mood is off.
Sometimes I think I need to consider a mood stabilizer, other times I feel like I just need to work harder to control the things that mess up my mood. It doesn't check off enough boxes for bipolar and sometimes it only lasts a couple of days or so.
Can anyone relate to this or know anyone with similar issues? Not looking for a diagnosis, just other people's experiences.

So this is my first time ever posting to Reddit, and I’m not even sure if this has to do with my Abilify but I need peace of mind and this is the only community I have been able to find that relates to me and my mental struggles. Just a heads up this will be a long post, but I wanna make sure I cover all of the details so I can get the best feedback from yall and y’all’s experiences.
I have been on and off Abilify for about 6yrs now. I would be on if doing great, but then I would decide to get off because I feel much better and don’t like being medicated. Just to add context before continuing I had my baby girl last year and am currently 7 months postpartum without any sign of postpartum depression so far.
I started getting random anxious thoughts that I couldn’t control such as what if my father passed, or even me and I leave my kids behind? This started towards the end of March. My psychiatrist put me back on my usual abilify, except this time he excluded my lamictal which I thought was weird. He lets me start at 2.5 of the abilify and increase to 5 slowly due to my horrible akathasia I usually always get with Abilify. This has worked and I have been able to avoid the restlessness in the past, but this time didn’t work. Started the abilify around March 25th and by late April I was restless.
I had some classes I needed to complete online but couldn’t sit still, so I took some of my 5mg Adderall I had left over from last year without telling my psychiatrist because he prescribed them to me back then. I was fine and they actually kinda helped me sit in one place and get my work done. I did this for about 4-5 days and then stopped.
About 2 days after stopping the adderall my anxiety became unbearable. I started freaking out about death and depersonalizing. My fight or flight was on an almost constant loop to where I felt like I had to get up run away and escape but from what? Life?
Fast forward to now he has me taking 2.5mg of Abilify every 3 days and 20mg of Propanolol twice a day as needed for anxiety. I feel better than I did when this all first started, but I’m tired of viewing my life as if these are my last days for some reason. Telling myself I’m going to miss my kids when I die and stuff is driving me crazy but I can’t stop the thoughts. I guess my question is has anyone else experienced this? Is it because of my abilify or am I crazy? Please no negative stories I don’t think I can handle them right now I’m sorry lol

(Question is in bold because I gave a lot of context.)
So I started propranolol/beta blockers(10mg that I take 3x a day, he originally said to start with 2 but to go up if I feel I need it. I'm prescribed the 3x daily already, though- and on the first day when I tried two, I felt my heart rate spike again after the second dose hit its' half life, so I moved to 3.)
Just started these on Wednesday, after seeing a cardiologist & being diagnosed with "Disorder of the Autonomic Nervous System- Unspecified". (I will hopefully be getting a TTT soon to narrow it down, but one of the receptionists said that I had to wait to be called about that one... I suspect it's HyperPOTS, personally. But rn it's just ~unspecified~ dysautonomia.)
I also have ADHD, and have been taking stims(ritalin) for that for over a year now, that is also 10mg that I take 3x a day.
((The stim does not significantly affect my heart rate, though. I've struggled with the high heart rate & blood pressure since I was 7 or 8 years old, 15-16 years ago, I just kept getting dismissed because of things like "You're young, you're just out of shape. Exercise." or "Do breathing exercises." or any other invalidating excuses they could find not to treat me, that were near impossible DUE to the condition I had remaining untreated.))
So; I've been staggering when I take them, because I feel like taking both at once might impair how they work? I've been taking my ritalin first, and then an hour later I'll take the propranolol.
My questions are -- Do I need to be doing this at all? Should I do it in the other order? Should I be putting more/less time in between them?
I'm nervous to call, because not only is my cardio out of the office for a couple weeks- But also last time I had a question, the receptionist was really rude & tried hanging up on me. (The next receptionist was kind and when I mentioned this experience, she apologized and said she thinks she knows who it was- But now I'm still nervous that I'm gonna get that rude lady again... I did have someone suggest to call the pharmacist and ask, I might end up doing that.)
These aren't the only meds I'm taking- I also take Buspirone 15mg 3x Daily, Lamictal Xr 50mg 1x Daily, and Mirtazapine 22mg (1.5 15mg Pills) 1x Daily. Along with a few supplements, Vitamin B Complex, Vitamin D, and Calcium.
I also have a genetic resistance to SSRIs. I tried several in my teen & young adult(younger adult? I still count as a young adult I guess. I'm 23 now.) years. I know those are first option for mental health & also an option for dysautonomia- But they are not an option for me at all due to genetics.
I know the buspar & mirtazapine are also supposed to lower heart rate, and ritalin spikes it in some people- But I'd guess that I'd probably be doing pretty bad by now if they were interacting in a bad way?
But I'm not doing bad at all- This is the closest to normal my heart rate has been (highest it got going up stairs yesterday was 120! Usually it's 150-160. I also didn't get an adrenaline dump when I responded to an online comment, which is a first for me), and this is the ABSOLUTE BEST that my mental health has EVER been!
I just want to make sure I'm getting the full positive affect I possibly can from my medications, and that I'm doing my best to avoid any potential complications.

So I was diagnosed when I was 29 years old. I’ve been on lamictal for 5 years and never missed a dose. I’m unsure of when I was diagnosed that I was just going through a rough time in my life such as finding purpose after school, quarter life crisis, finishing law school and burning out. Basically I lost my father when I was 21 and my mom when I was 24. I powered through school through most of it and never had any symptoms. I was kind of nervous when I moved to another state and had a minor panic attack, but I feel that anyone might have had that since I was young and it was life changing. Fast forward to when I was 27 I had some sort of change in my mood randomly. I was going through a hopelessness feeling. I was getting married right before final and was about to graduate but got really depressed and failed one of them. I had to repeat the course. Was so disappointed in myself because it felt like I was running a marathon and broke my leg before the finish line. I was really not sleeping well, not shaving, etc. guess it was a depressive episode. I had just inherited a lot of money as well and all my student loans were paid off but I guess I just had trouble getting out of bed. Anyway after I graduated we moved in together, had my first real job, got a dose of reality in the corporate world and was miserable as hell lol. I also had problems struggling with purpose as I was sitting on a pile of money from losing my parents and I struggled even doing my job as I felt like I didn’t really need to do it at the time. I don’t want to divulge too much but it was deep six figures. Lot of money for someone who grew up poor and was very well off for a young guy. I started partying and not paying attention to my ex and started hitting up strip clubs. I’m not sure if it was because I was young and wealthy and wanted to see what it was actually like to be young and wealthy without being tied down. This was so long ago that I can’t remember much but I definitely had some moments where I felt like I didn’t really have a chance to do what I want. I may have just beeen lost in life. But I’m unsure if I still am cyclothemic. I know I’m not bipolar 2 as I’ve be been told by two psychiatrists.

This ex FP (strictly platonic) that I have hurt last year and just really fucked things up with is haunting me. It doesn't make much sense as she's not dead and she's not angry at me. She doesn't holde a grudge. Yet whenever someone brings me up in a conversation with her, she will have no problem telling them she doesn't care about me. Personally "I don't care" apparently doesn't necessarily mean about ME but I think its obvious it is me she is referring to.
I have nightmares about her at least twice a week. At best I just see her and mentally freak out-at worst, well...she taunts me. My last dream was just her cussing me out over instagram DM's (she blocked me everywhere, but she made a spam account on instagram and must have forgotten to block me, like I said she is long over what I did she just doesn't give a crap about me anymore I could die and she wouldn't care) and the dream felt so fucking real when my mother woke me up from school i was RELIEVED. And as someone who relies on sleep 24/7 to escape and self regulate-I am NEVER really relieved when she wakes me, only pissed. I checked my instagram just to make sure it wasn't real, and it wasn't,
Honestly, again, I know she's not angry but the way she sees me now crushes me and this whole thing has been eating at me. Last year I've tried apologizing multiple times she wouldn't hear it. Her very existence is making me want to vomit and she was supposed to move out of town this year but things changed and she has a job in the same town i go to school in. I don't know where and I don't want to find out. Recently, someone who knows PRECISELY what i did to her and who was also very upset with me for a long time about it said my subconcious needs closure, and maybe I should apologize-IF I'm willing to bite the bullet . Meaning, my ex friends response might be hurtful. Apathetic, even cruel. But apparently if i can handle it i should go for it. (This was in an in-person scenario, I was never advised to do it online as i almost received a restraining order against me last year )
Honestly, I've googled best ways to apologize and EVERYONE says in person but ........I just can't. I can't even look at her after what I did. The last time I saw her was around this time last year.
I googled more and people said that apologies that cannot be in person should be best on a phone call because said person can hear your voice at least.
I hate phone calls. (Kinda has to do with me being autistic as well-i only ever have phone convos with family) I thought if I want to apologize I shouldn't wait to see her in person...if I see her in person I might just walk away very fast and not turn around. My idea is to send her a voice note on her insta spam account...
I remember just telling the person who gave me this advice "PLEASE tell me this is a bad idea"
For a long time I wanted to apologize
Only because I care about her (even though I know she doesn't care about me) and because I need to give a proper apology even if she doesn't respond. (Realistically, best case scenario is she listens to the voice recording and says nothing, or maybe just "okay"}
There's a decent chance she won't even open it-but I've never contacted her like that before. It was always written or texted words- useless "I'm sorry's".
This time will be different-except I'm shit scared.
I don't know..
Just...
SOMEONE tell me this is a bad idea..
Not because I expect her to validate me (i dont) but because i'm anticipating the potential pain that could come from this.
Honestly I just want her to listen to it.
Thing is...I don't have a plan. I don't have a plan at all. I'm just kinda gonna try and continue with my life (this is always in the back of my ehad though) and when I feel ready-I'll do it. Something might happen and trigger me into doing it-but I don't have a plan.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me that all above options are bad ideas...this has been eating me up and while apologizing could be good for me I don't want anyone to be upset with me afterwards. (Was told not to contact her last year in April, things were shitty and this voice note isnt really initiating contact its meant to stand there alone.) Instagram only allows one message to a person you dont follow and then its up to the other person to allow u to send more. Anyways just kinda stressed out. I don't want ANYTHING from this proper apology except for her to listen. She can say "fuck you" she can ignore me, she can go tell her friends and gf (as much as that could potentially trigger me) but all my apologies have been petty "im sorry's" and manipulative BS that she didnt even read.
And it was all last year.
She's moved on-I haven't.
PLEASE FOR FUCKS SAKE tell me this is a stupid idea and that I'll be ruining everything and that I shouldn't do it...
Recently my lamictal was upped to 200.
Might be getting evaluated for depression bipolar and/or BPD.
Help me. This is killing me (and not just the whether to apologize part-all of it.)

41F nonsmoker, medical cannabis user (no flame)
I have had chronic pain for years that's only been resolved briefly by a month of steroids, or a month on meloxicam with PT.
I've dealt with TMJ dysfunction after an auto accident age 20, which also broke my femur and it has a rod and nails to this day. By 25 it was no longer mouth guards and muscle relaxers, and I was getting injections in the base of my skull, along my neck, and in my upper back out towards my shoulders. I was told it was saline, and the records are lost. I considered this a drawback of my prior occupation in a call center.
Age 35 my nails were drying out, splitting vertically, and my eyes were beginning to stay irritable. I topped out at 214 pounds and I'm 62 inches tall. I had been taking Saphris and Welbutrin for five years and aside from being sore and exhausted all the time, my lower neck had been consistently tight and burning enough for me to look into CBD. I also switched to Fetzima from Welbutrin, and the muscle cramps were comical.
In 2018 I decided to stop Saphris and use this body. My left hip was always restricted after the auto accident. I didn't understand why and no one suggested additional tests or MRI, or more aggressive PT.
2019 was a big year for me when I took a job on retail, after I hadn't worked for a few years. I had headaches all the time from my eyes and the light, which hadn't been a thing. I had more than 1 migraine per quarter, which was my baseline.
Under the stress of the pandemic I pushed myself. I got my symmetry, ROM, flexibility, balance, and strength back. It was rad, until it wasn't.
I was sweating out my headbands up to twice per shift, drinking 6 bottles of water every day at work. My face was always red. Cold tolerance lowered. My lower back felt awful. I went to see the orthopedic for guidance on do more, do less, do different? 2020 fall I have mild OA of SI joints. 15mg meloxicam and 1 month PT had not only made my back feel really good, but everything else as well that's been sore and irritable for years. We agreed to move to rheumatology.
2021 april: Hypermobility and anti-SSB. My ANA is not clinically positive and has a specked pattern. Long term tolerance to meloxicam is untenable. 18 months on hydroxychloriquine no conclusive relief.
I have had a colonoscopy and endoscopy but I'm not clear on 2020 or 21. Constipation, painful and nauseating, passing a concerning amount of mucus, revealed a 10mm single polyp that was benign. No signs of crohns and otherwise unremarkable aside from "senna abuse" and I quit that stuff the next year. The endoscopy was unremarkable, although I had already known that without prilosec for an unknown period of time that either I will be vomiting or at the very least need to vomit to relieve that episode. Baking soda water worked in my 20s and stopped working by my 30s.
2023 I had been through requested reduced hours, reduced duties, and no social life because once I got home and stopped moving it's like a timer that I had 40 minutes before I could barely move. Days off seemed to be more about recovery than catching up. I would find myself unable to stay awake in the middle of the day and the naps are always 4 ½ hours. I called out for those flares but they just kept happening. I felt like I was on fire every time my temp lowered to 97°. To be fair to my coworkers and myself, I quit that job. I tried to work regular hours at a different place that didn't have a 40 lb all day requirement, and within 3 weeks I was done. I couldn't think. I couldn't drive because of my head being so fuzzy. I didn't have access to water all shift and maybe it had something to do with it, but I quit.
The next month I started doing Rick Simpson Oil. It felt like I cleared the junk out of my head finally from all my medications. Now I've been thinking more, taking notes, and seeing how deep this goes. I've lowered so much of my stress with therapy and become more creative, and while all that has helped I am still sick.
December 23 my LDL was 195 and I was put on 10 mg rosuvastatin. I will say I know what happened there. I doubled down on foods I knew I could eat once I confirmed adult onset allergies. Sunflower seeds and undercooked/uncooked eggs are a no go. I also have an allergy to chlorhexadine.
I have tender points in so many places like near the elbows, shoulders, around my head, my neck is awful. My legs have them around the knees, thighs, hips, top and sides of my butt, face in front of the ears.
This year I screwed up my left shoulder with a labral tear. Physical therapy was fixing it, until it wasn't. Everything seemed well with strength and motion but then intense pain down my arm that was hurting my elbow as well. Mri showed biceps tendonotis, and I got a cortisone shot. Life was good. My neck felt better and the two recurrent knots in my left shoulder blade were much looser. Back to physical therapy, and after 1 week it's going to hell again. I have other tendons down that arm feeling like bruises from a car wreck but they are no larger than a thumbprint and no one can see them.
I've left my legs alone before they are too tender. I tried the theragun on them tonight and remembered why I don't. I asked who the pain specialists were in the practice, and now I'm here.
Current medications Lamictal, effexor, adderall D3 5000ui, chelated potassium, garden of life probiotics for colon health and their raw one women vitamin Zyrtec, prilosec twice daily (laryngeal reflux) 10 mg Crestor. As needed 350 mg soma, tessalon 100mg, cannabis Flonase, Astepro (laryngeal reflux) to keep my voice Restasis hurts my eyes for the entire day, not just application, and was discontinued after 5 weeks. My glands aren't dead and we're going to treat them manually at the next visit.
Continued concerns are my toes. I get chilblains in the winter while constantly wearing bombas slippers. The outer edge of my toes next to the pinky randomly numb out and are very uncomfortable. My big toe goes numb halfway down the nail bed randomly. Days where I cannot control my body temperature, I stay under the covers shivering until I pass out as soon as I'm warm... Then it's usually the 4 ½ hour snooze. My limbs are always affected. I have had a shawl in bed the last few years for the on then off with the cold shoulders.
I get zaps through my knuckles when trying to massage my arms with glides. I use Epiderm for a barrier on my face. It's been known to feel on fire and get a rash from my own sweat or tears. I will have some small degree of rash or tiny pinpoint hives here and there throughout the day on my hands unless I diligently moisturize. My cuticles recede the same without care. Wounds heal more slowly because everything seems to itch and I accidentally forget about them and catch them in a scratch. Coconut oil to the groin or the itching starts. Coconut oil in my ear canals as well.
Exclusionary Cardiovascular okay. Treadmill stress good. Echo good. Ekg good. Cholesterol within normal levels. 25 pound weight loss in 4 months and complete cbc okay from march '24.
If I'm missing anything pertinent lmk. 175 pounds. No oral contraceptive. Regular mentrual cycle. Bursitis 2x left hip. I started screaming after I woke up to either bursitis or tendonitis at the right hip last week, and the follow up from the mri last week will be Wednesday. Xray unremarkable.
Cervical unremarkable, slight bulge and osteophites. Thorasic unremarkable slight curvature and osteophites. Lumbar as presented earlier in post. All have recommended MRI/specialist.
This issue doesn't track for celebrex or tramadol, but the screaming incidents response to tramadol.

I'm heading to the EMU in a couple days and I'm freaked the fuck out about it. This on top of other incredible, unbelievable stress. On the one hand, I'm gonna get some real data on this. On the other hand, I'm terrified of nothing showing up and getting slapped with a PNES diagnosis, basically being told I have hysteria, and getting all my *other* neurological problems disregarded.
I can't work, I can't drive, I can't function. I have very little memory of my life. I have chronic dissociation and brain fog. I lose time, I get memory gaps. I got tons of deja vu since I was a little kid. I thought I could see the future in my dreams as a child. On a daily basis now I have deja vu, and nausea attacks that make me dry heave, vertigo, waves in my head, feeling like I'm in an elevator or a roller coaster, this feeling like wet cement in my head, this odd tingling in my sinuses that feels like I've been popped in the nose. I zone out, I have odd flashbacks, I get suddenly exhausted, sometimes I feel like I'm about to pass out, like I'm a zombie. I have gustatory and olfactory hallucinations, my stomach gets upset. I lose awareness in varying degrees. I constantly get myoclonic jerks and fasciculations, like literally constantly, at any given moment something is twitching. Sometimes I start rocking uncontrollably, or my arm and leg on one side begin kicking, or my eyes jolt around, or I tense up and feel like I'm about to start shaking. I see lights in my eyes at all times, and the patterns get worse when I have my episodes. I get bizarrely agitated, or I blow up. I've had experiences at the edge of sleep that I can only describe as "religious." I talk a lot in my sleep. I've developed sexsomnia. I sleepwalk and act out dreams when I'm stressed. That's only like half of what I experience constantly! Everything I read about TLE just sounds like me. While I understand it's mostly defunct, Geschwind syndrome seems to describe me to a T. Half of my favorite artists have TLE. There's a chapter in The Idiot where Dostoevsky just describes his subjective experience of a seizure, and it's precisely what I've experienced. His fucking notebooks, literal textbook examples of hypergraphia, look like mine from when I was a kid. Everyone I talk to with TLE, *my partner* with TLE, tells me they know exactly what I'm talking about. This shit has ruined my life since I was a little kid and it's just been treated as psychiatric the whole time. 20 years hasn't helped at all. I didn't even get to go to highschool, I just fell out of life by the time I was 14, playing catch-up since the second fucking grade. Everybody just *gave up* cuz nothing worked. I've tried CBT, DBT, EMDR, AIR, ketamine, neurofeedback (therapist said my brain looks weird on EEG btw!), two courses of TMS (which seem to have made things worse!), SGB, countless psychiatric meds of every class. Only things that helped significantly were things that are also used to treat seizures like klonopin, tranxene and lamictal. That and fucking mushrooms. Four mental health professionals told me my problem seems not to be psychological. I'm on my fourth and fifth neurologists. The one I saw last year told me I'm *too young* to experience this stuff and refused to listen to me, even after I (in a separate problem) lost motor function and got sent to the ER for stroke presentation. Just said it's all in my head, despite documenting months of episodes with consistent patterns. Hell, my partner got a TLE diagnosis because I was reading about it and urged them to see a neurologist since they experience most of the same things I do. They had to see multiple docs, they cleared an EEG, and only got diagnosed after blacking out and totaling their car on the freeway. I've been writing notes for over a year now and doctors seem generally uninterested, with the exception of this epileptologist who ordered the EMU.
I just barely trust doctors now. I'm freaked out to hell. I'm worried they're not gonna detect anything, which seems to happen very frequently, and seems to be a limitation of the current state of EEG technology. I'm worried I'm gonna get slapped with PNES, of which the existence seems dubious at best, and I'm going to have all my shit disregarded even after I've spent TWENTY YEARS treating it psychiatrically with no meaningful improvement. I feel like I'm fucking crazy. I've been *told* I'm crazy. I *believed* I'm crazy. I'd like to talk to more people with TLE. Compare experiences. Feel less insane. Commiserate about the harrowing ordeal of seeking neurological care. Hear what anyone has to say about lifelong misdiagnosis. Something. Because I feel like an island, like there's no other like me in the world. Plus I'm also just sort of pissed off I have to lay around in the hospital for a week, too.

My entire life has been intense emotionally. I’ve had thoughts of s**cide and sh’d as a kid. I thought my brain was broken. I have never stuck to something. Any hobby I had tainted or quit from severe depression. Every hobby was started in the midst of a hypomanic episode. Anything I think belongs to me gets stripped out of my reach.
Everyone I know is graduating college and I am technically still a freshman because I can’t pick an area of study to save my life. I changed it almost every semester, then would get severely depressed and withdraw.
My highs were very high. I would think everything is going to be fixed and I got my spark back, then any point of living and trying would immediately vanish.
Anyway, I had a hypomanic episode that was particularly bad because of my ssri. Been on it for months, one particular time period I couldn’t sleep for longer than 3 hours a night. Debated to quit my job, cut my hair, runaway, take out a loan, etc etc.
My birthday comes up, I am rapidly cycling from being severely depressed ab where I am at, to being hyper motivated and passionate about life, then days later contemplating s**cide.
Mind you I discharged from my partial hospitalization facility because I was experiencing hypomanic episode and my treatment team thought i was just getting better :( No one could realize I was bipolar. I couldn’t myself.
Now, 22, diagnosed, and started titrating lamictal.
Feeling hopeful!
TL;DR: 22F diagnosed with bipolar II years after adhd, GAD, and MDD diagnosis. Stopping ssri, taking lamictal. Been on so many meds, never felt help. Hoping there will be a shift.

I’m trying to make this as neutral as possible to get more objective replies. I didn’t mean for it to be soooo long but I read the detail rules.
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My diagnoses includes possible bipolar II, BPD, ADHD, GAD, PTSD and severe irritable bowel syndrome, short (<1y) history of anorexia.. I have high blood pressure and acid reflux which are both well controlled with medicine. I am 30 years old and a female-to-male transsexual (my preferred term, he/him/his) on testosterone since 2015 and post-op. 5’5”(163cm), 166lbs (75kg). I vape nicotine and drink socially (and don’t socialise very often, max twice a month), no other substance use.
My psych meds in the morning are Viibryd 20mg (since summer 2022), lamictal 100mg (since April/May 2023), wellbutrin xl 300mg (since summer 2022). I also take dicyclomine (antispasmodic for IBS, new since April ‘24) and I usually do not eat breakfast as the dicyclomine needs time to work. This didn’t change, the antispasmodic I was on before also needed time to work. Also, I’m just not hungry.
My psych meds before bed are lamictal 200mg (since 2012) and latuda 20mg (since Sept 2023). I also take norvasc (high blood pressure), finastride & minoxidil (hair loss), and famotidine (acid reflux), and a probiotic/prebiotic. Occasionally I need mucinex and/or melatonin.
I have Ativan as a PRN but haven’t used it since fall 2023.
————
My prescriber wants to deprescribe. He is looking at eliminating Viibryd in part because of seizure concerns. I’ve never had a seizure, but I did have 20 sessions of ECT in summer 2023 (idk if that affects my current susceptibility to it). I will be advocating to replace it with another SSRI. I was on venlafaxine 2011-summer 2022 but when I came off it my anxiety skyrocketed and my IBS became so bad I could not keep food in me for more than two hours. Adding Viibryd helped, but did not completely solve things. I started seeing a GI to help with IBS and I’m on an antispasmodic from him, but still it is not effective enough. Additionally, last time we decreased Viibryd (April 2023, from 20 to 10) I became suicidal and anxiety got a lot worse. That was when he added the morning lamictal, which was very helpful. The Viibryd dose went back up to 20 when I was hospitalized last summer (as was the latuda, which I have found to be very helpful).
He also wants to reduce my wellbutrin to 150. I was initially on 150 when I started and it was increased (by a prescriber in a PHP) to 300 because it wasn’t as effective as we wanted.
I want to add an ADHD med, in part because things will get worse with it if we go down on the wellbutrin and also because I have noticed I am more impaired by my symptoms now that I am in a new job that has different demands on by cognition (also I’ve been more distractable while driving which is not good).
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To give a brief psych history: Dx with ADHD at 7, GAD around 10. First psych hospitalization at age 16 due to rapid onset of self harm and suicidal ideation. Two more that year for suicidality. Went to college 2012-17. One hospitalization in fall 2012 for suicide plan and another for 2016 to address medication as I noticed signs of hypomania (dad has BP). Came out as FTM 2014, started testosterone 2015, never looked back. Stopped therapy after graduation; couldn’t find a suitable provider. Remained on medication with a psychiatrist. Chest surgery 2019. Smooth sailing until 2022, when I began to seek bottom surgery (had to actually confront the dysphoria instead of burry it). Relapse with self-harm and suicidality. PHP May-June 2022, IOP June-Aug 2022. Continued individual therapy afterwards. Hysterectomy Aug ‘22 had severe complications requiring (medical) hospitalization. Developed (diagnosed) PTSD from events of that hospitalization. rTMS Jan-March ‘23; helped with anxiety but not depression. Increased suicidality & anxiety spring 2023, tried ECT that summer, 20 sessions. Hospitalized most of Aug ‘23 due to increased SI. Readmitted ~2 weeks after discharge. Released end of Sept to receive bottom surgery (Oct 11, ‘23), which went perfectly and has had such a great impact on my QoL. PHP Sept-Oct 23, IOP Nov-Dec 23. Switched individual therapists during that time. Increased SI March/April 2024 (just like the previous two years). Doing -much- better now, but still emotionally labile.
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I left a job as a teacher’s aide in an elementary school after 5y in January, after confirming that I was hired to do psychschoscial rehab with a mental health agency. The job switch has been great, but it meant I didn’t see my prescriber Jan-April. Got him in touch with my therapist and they had a peer-to-peer. The next time I saw my therapist after that she starts talking about this deprescribing plan. I’m very skeptical. It feels like I’m just getting my life together. I have a job that has a career path, not a dead end, I’m reapplying to grad school, I’ve been able to be more financially independent because I’m making considerably more money at the new job (still living with parents, though). I’m rebuilding the most important relationship (non-romantic, just friends) that crumbled with my hospitalization last year as we realized just how codependent (in the actual sense of the word) it had gotten. I don’t want to risk that with a medication change.
It was proposed that this be done in a hospital, but because my prescriber is a nurse practitioner, he doesn’t have privileges anywhere and it would have to be handled at the county hospital because he has a connection with a doctor there. Their psych unit is crap, but the idea was to have it done in a medical wing, which sounds isolating as hell. Also I just don’t have the time off from work (it’s accumulated during the first year) and I’m not yet eligible for FMLA. And I planned on taking graduate courses this summer.
I’m all for being on as little medication as possible, but I don’t want to make changes like it’s an experiment. I don’t want to risk feeling suicidal. But I also want to trust my providers.
I would try to get a second opinion from a different prescriber and not just ask strangers on Reddit, but I can’t find anyone with availability and willingness to do a 2nd opinion.