First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and support from the last post. A lot has happened since then, and a bunch of context is needed, so I hope you'll bear with me as I explain the details.
***
Back during the peak of the blinking crisis, I remember having a lot of difficulty sleeping. It was common for me to average only four or five hours a night, and the little sleep I did get was marred by terrible nightmares. One in particular recurred many times.
I was only eight, but somehow I was in the driver's seat of our family's old SUV. My arms were long enough to steady the wheel, but my legs didn't quite meet the pedals. It didn't matter though, since the car seemed content to continue on at a constant pace. I looked over and saw my mom in the passenger seat. Her face was a blurry likeness pieced together from the dozen or so picture's I'd seen of her over the years. I tried to bring her into focus, not only because I missed her dearly, but because she was speaking—pleading, even. She waved frantically at me, then brought her leg up and slammed it down on the floor mat several times. I didn't understand what had her so upset until she pointed out the front windshield, and I saw we were hurdling directly toward a giant tree that had fallen in the middle of the road.
Panicking, I stomped for the brake, but my seatbelt protested and pulled me back like an invigorated dog on a short leash. I sat up and tried clicking it off, but it wouldn't budge. My breaths became hollow cries, and I felt my heart beat against the bars of its bony prison. I grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it to the left, then right, attempting to swerve off the road, but it was as if whatever kind of glue was locking up the seatbelt was also fixing the steering wheel in place.
"Mom! what do I do!?" I yelled, tears streaming from my eyes. She was yelling back at me, but it was as if there was a divider between us, and neither of us could hear each other. I turned back just in time to see the giant Oak tree meet the front bumper, and then I jolted awake with a piercing pain in my chest that radiated up through my throat in the form of a giant scream. My little legs kicked under the covers and tears rained down on my pillow until my dad ran in and knelt at my bed.
"Lauren, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?"
I grabbed my pillow and hugged it so my face was covered, then effused a "Mmm-hmm" in a long wheeze while rocking to either side.
"Oh, honey," he soothed and brushed my hair, then the tears from my face when I would allow it.
Time would pass in silence, and when I began to get the sense that my dad was ready to leave, I'd chirp out, "stay" in that way children do when they're embarrassed about wanting something.
"Always," my dad would reply; then he'd post up on the floor with my large tomato plushie as a pillow.
One night in particular, it was deep in the night, and I had woken to a tapping sound outside my window. I was so afraid that a monster had snuck into my room while I wasn't looking that I made him lay next to me and face outward. I'd peek my eyes open every minute or so to check and make sure my dad was there, staking out the room. Eventually, he rolled in close and said something that I still remember to this day.
"Hey, baby, guess what." he whispered.
"Mmm" I mumbled.
"I think you scared the monster away."
I tried to picture this through the fog of my fatigue. Something seemed off about the statement, like it wasn't logically possible, but before I could piece together the words to express that, my dad cut back in.
"It was scared because it realized you're a superhero. And you know what your greatest superpower is?"
I shook my head, making sure to rub my forehead against his shoulder so he could sense it in the dark room.
"You're greatest power is that you get to tell the monsters what to do. Because the monsters are only as strong as the stories you tell about them. And there's all kinds of stories. Happy ones. Sad ones. Scary ones. Tell me, this monster you think snuck in, would you say he's part of a scary story?"
"I don't know," I said, confused. "Maybe"
"Hmm," he hummed, contemplating. "Well, I want you to remember this. You have the ability to tell any kind of story you want. Maybe there are monsters, but that means there's heroes and angels, too, right?"
I was beginning to doze off to the comforting sound of my dad's deep voice, but I gave another affirmative "Mm-hmm".
"So, if you're ever scared, honey, just dream up a better story. A story that will bring you peace. Do you understand?"
But I was already out.
***
I woke up the next morning to the feeling that someone was in the hotel room with me. The drapes were drawn and the only sound was the AC unit blowing cold air, but when I looked toward the dark corner of the empty coat rack, my mind conjured the face of my dad, smiling at me, chanting that same, awful line—Oh, Lauren… you know who we are.
I was no longer a child, but it took a couple minutes of cold focus before I muscled the courage to ascend from the safety of my covers and flick on the lamp light. The small amber radius extended to where my dad's feet would have been if he was standing there. But there was no one. I let out a sigh and collapsed back onto the mattress, thinking back on all those years growing up. The same man who had helped me conquer my fear of the dark was now the monster hiding in its shadow.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the clock read 10:15. My meeting with Trent was in three hours. I moaned and stretched my arms back until they knocked against the headboard, then I collapsed back onto the mattress, meditating, gathering energy like a compressed spring. All at once, I jumped up and glided over to the drapes, opening them in a single, fluid motion. I grimaced at the sunlight, but the warmth felt good against my face. I stopped by the nightstand and gulped down the final few swigs of a bottle of Mello Yello that I had purchased from a vending machine the previous night, then undressed and hopped in the shower.
The warm water wasn't enough to wash away the previous night's memories. When I closed my eyes to lather my hair, I was back in my living room, standing opposite the demon that had taken on my dad's form. His smile. His laugh. It was like someone in my head was flipping a switch between the man I loved growing up and a terrible monster. But the fear was more powerful. I heard something drop onto the tile floor on the other side of the curtain. The noise made me gasp, and I opened my eyes while shampoo was still streaming down my face. I swiped the shampoo out of my now burning eyes and squinted at the curtain, trying to see through it, but I couldn't make anything out. "I-is anyone," I started, trembling, afraid to finish the sentence. I reached out and pinched the end of the curtain. My heart was in overdrive. I swallowed, then pulled it toward me and peeked out. I scanned the room, but I couldn't see anything out of place.
It wasn't until after I finished showering and wound myself up in one of the hotel's too-small towels that I saw what had made the noise. I bent down and picked up the stub of a razor blade that had fallen onto the tile right next to the puffy, gray shower rug. It wasn't mine, and I was pretty sure hotels didn't keep unguarded razor blades just laying around. When I held it up, it occurred to me that if it had simply fallen a few inches to the left, it would have been buried in the rug, and perhaps I would have stepped on it. I stared at myself in its steely reflection. Cold. Lonely. Small. What if I—was all I was able to think before the blade blinked out of my hand.
I threw on some clothes, packed up the few belongings I had into my purse, then checked out of my room. I didn't feel safe going back home after what happened, but I also didn't want to go anywhere else. I got in my car and drove aimlessly up and down the town's streets, focusing only on the car ahead of me. Anytime I started to travel down an avenue of thought, I'd make a turn, or speed up, or hit the brakes: anything to keep my mind distracted. It was sweltering outside, but I'd turn the heat on for minutes at a time until I felt drenched, then toggle max AC until I was cool, then back to heat. I repeated the basic driving tenet "10 and 2", "10 and 2", "10 and 2" like a mantra—a chant to focus my attention on a single point, and then I pictured that point disappearing. I began to think that maybe I wanted to disappear.
I fully intended to keep going that way until 1:00, but after about thirty minutes, my meandering route had led me to St. Mark's Catholic Church, where a large group of people were gathered around a long line of tables in front of the building. I slowed down. At the front of the venue was a large, white cardboard sign which read, "Plant a Seed, Share the Joy". I wasn't sure what that meant, but my boredom had come to a head, and I rationalized that if there's any place on God's green earth that would be safe, it was this one. I parked along the closest side-street, then walked over to the church.
Rows of white tables were covered with cardboard boxes filled with small plants that were wrapped up in individual paper pots. I watched from a distance as people behind the tables carefully removed the plants, one by one, and offered them to passersby. I continued down the line, a sheep in the herd, and allowed myself to sink into childhood memories. I had somehow made it out the other end near the Narthex when I heard a woman's voice call to me.
"Hey, deary, have you gotten one yet?"
I turned and saw a small, gray-haired lady with rose-colored glasses. "Oh, no," I started, attempting to decline, then paused. The old lady grabbed one of the plants and held it out for me.
"Here," she said. "Come on, I won't bite."
As far as you know, I thought, and stumbled forward with a sigh. "Thanks," I said and took the plant. "What is this all for, anyway?"
"It's a giveaway," the old woman responded. "Staff have been growing these plants—tomatoes and garlic, mainly—so they could offer them to members of the Parish. The idea is to have the members grow the produce, then donate it to St. Mark's Food Pantry to give to those in need."
"Oh, that's actually pretty cool." I replied and inspected my plant which was at present nothing more than a small green stem. "So which kind is this one?"
"That one is—" the old lady stopped and inspected the other plants near where she had grabbed mine—"tomato."
"Tomato," I repeated. "Well, thanks again."
"Of course, dear." the old lady beamed. "We're all responsible for each other."
I nodded, then continued back through the crowd toward my car when, through the large vestibule windows, I saw a Priest speaking to a young couple. It had been a little over a decade since I had attended a service (I stopped going during High School when I started studying other religions), and I didn't recognize this Priest. He was short (just over five feet tall), bald, and African American. He wore the customary black robe and white collar, and there was something in his smile and the way seemed to be affirming the couple that made me yearn to speak with him. I considered for a moment, a bit embarrassed to be stepping back into church after all this time, but the thought of being able to burn ten minutes talking with someone who might have some insight into my situation was too tempting to pass up.
I waited near a portrait of Mary Magdalene, my tomato plant in hand, staring off at the pristine series of stained glass images portraying the death and resurrection of Jesus. About a minute in, the Priest met my eyes; he smiled, his way of telling me he knew I was waiting, then finished up with the couple and made his way over. He had a bit of an accent when he spoke—it was Ugandan, from best I could tell—and a proclivity for laughing at the end of his sentences.
"Hello, Miss, I don't believe I've had the privilege," he said and held out his hand. He leaned in as he spoke, and his smile tugged on the corners of his eyes which were already marked with use.
I shook his hand and returned what I'm sure was a weak smile. "No, I don't think so. My name's Lauren. I used to come here when I was little. It's—been a while."
"Well, I see you picked a good day to visit. If you're into gardening, that is." He remarked with a laugh and gestured toward the plant. "It's nice to meet you, Lauren. My name's Martin—Father Martin, if you prefer."
"Father Martin," I repeated, "I have a friend named Martin. It's a good name."
He laughed and said, "Thank you, I'll pass that one along to my mother. She loves the praise."
I laughed back. He carried himself in such a carefree way that I was put immediately at ease. Almost to the point where I forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. "Um," I started, attempting to word my question in a way that didn't sound like I needed psychiatric help. "I have a couple of religious questions for you, if you have time."
"That's what I'm for. Ask away."
"They're about… miracles. Like the ones in the Bible. I was wondering, do you think that miracles still happen today?"
"Miracles, huh," he started. "You mean like water into wine?"
"Kind of, yeah,"
"Hmm…" he contemplated. "Well, I haven't seen them, myself. You know, I may be a Priest, but I also have a degree in Physics. I think God made the world according to laws, right? But I do think God has the power to intervene. Yes. I just have never seen it… like … you know, the biblical type of miracles. To me, there are miracles happening all around us—miracles we can't see."
"Exactly," I responded, thinking about how no one else could see the blinks, "those kinds of miracles. What are those miracles we can't see?"
One of Father Martin's eyebrows raised and he rubbed his chin. "Well, I think the greatest miracle is the miracle of God's love which was perfected in Christ and offered to each of us. It's his power to heal even the most troubled mind. By coming into alignment with God's will for us, we can see the true purpose of this existence."
No, he's not getting it, I thought. I scrambled to my other entry-point. "What about the story of Job? God made a bet with the Devil that Job would stay faithful to him no matter what the Devil did to him. Do you think that kind of situation is possible?"
Father Martin's expression drooped into a concerned frown. "There's quite the difference between miracles and the story of Job. I suppose I see what you're getting at, though. Job's suffering is in some ways the antithesis to positive miracles. In this life, we are tested, sometimes to the point of losing everything, but even that person who has more reason to hate God than anyone else can once again find peace and eternal happiness through faith. In fact, it's often the person who is lowest in the pit of suffering that needs the Light of Christ more than anyone else."
I thought back on the first night that I prayed. It was in my moment of greatest helplessness that I reached out to God, and I thought I had found my answer in Him. But now, after what happened last night, after all these years of chaos—not merely losing things that were important to me, but my very sanity—I needed more than just blind faith. I couldn't just sit idly by and hope things would get better. I smiled at the Priest and said, "Thank you, Father, this has been very insightful."
"Of course, sister. I'm sorry if I couldn't have been of more help."
"No, I think I understand now. I've been… wrestling with something, and I think God wants me to confront it. I think I've been running away and hiding from it for so long that I'd convinced myself it disappeared."
Father Martin nodded in understanding. "Well, in that case, will you let me leave you with a prayer?"
I was a bit taken off guard by the request, but I accepted. "Sure, Father."
I watched as he made the sign of the cross, then he lifted his hands and closed his eyes. "Dear God, I am so happy to have had the privilege of meeting with Lauren today, especially on a day such as this where we are offering gifts for those who need them. You have heard her desire to confront the things that are troubling her. I ask that you bless her with strength and peace and a clear conscience, that she may overcome these challenges. God, bless us with your spirit, that we may see your hand in our lives. Amen."
"Amen," I said.
As I was leaving, Father Martin called out to me and said, "Oh, just so you know, this Friday at 7 we are having a barbecue at the Parish Center. I would love to see you there, if you're able and wanting."
Turning back, I smiled and said, "Oh, ok, thanks Father. I'll think about it."
The priest nodded, and with a smile, he sent me off.
***
I walked into the Deli at 1:00 on the dot. The customers who had arrived for the lunch rush were already cleaning up their trash and heading out. I dodged past a few of them on my way down the long, narrow path leading to the front counter. While I waited behind a couple of elderly folk who were picking which soup they wanted to pair with their Ultimate Grilled Cheese, I looked around for Trent. He hadn't sent me a picture or any way of contacting him throughout the day, so I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I figured I'd see some man half-hidden behind a newspaper, scouting me out. Maybe I watch too many movies, I thought.
"Ahem, ma'am. You're up." croaked the teenager behind the register.
"Oh, right, sorry" I replied and stepped up to the counter. "Uhh," I muttered, scanning the menu for something that looked edible. "Could I just get…" I made sure to mouth every syllable as they were words of their own.
"We have a deal—the try two combo. Sandwich and a soup for $9.99." the cashier repeated for what was probably the fiftieth time that day.
"Yes, that sounds good. I'll do the Italian sandwich and potato soup. And a drink, please."
After I paid for the food, I wandered around the tables, hoping to find someone who looked like a Trent. I was picturing a short guy, runner's build, with long brown hair, tucked somewhere neatly away in the corner. So I was not prepared when the Hulk's stunt double growled my name from a table smack dab in the middle of the restaurant. He had a pale, square face that was spotted with freckles and a sinking property that comes with the lethal combination of stress and age. His hair was relatively short. Probably it was brown or auburn, but since it was slicked back, it looked almost black. And he wore what looked like janitor coveralls. There was even a cloth tag pinned to his chest which read, "Trent".
"Lauren?" He repeated.
"Yes, that's me." I said and took a seat across from him. I saw a brown tray on the table in front of him, and on the tray was a large, white soup bowl. It was empty and beginning to crust along the edges. He must have been here for some time already. "I didn't know where you'd be, so I was worried we might miss each other. I'm glad you found me though." I said while looking over Trent more thoroughly. His large hands were stretched out in front of him on the table. He wasn't wearing a ring, so he probably wasn't married. And his face, it was stern. He seemed like a no-bullshit kind of guy. Then I saw his eyes. They were sapphire blue—probably the most stunning I'd ever seen.
"We only spoke on the internet, so I hope you don't mind, but I usually run a preliminary test on anyone I meet who claims to have abilities such as yours." Trent said while reaching into his pocket and removing a device that had the size and shape of an electric razor. "All you have to do is look into it. It takes maybe five seconds. Ten at most."
"Oh, um, sure," I said reluctantly. "Do I just—" I asked while reaching for the device.
Trent clicked a button and released the cylindrical head which opened, revealing a glass circle about the size of an iris. "I'll hold it, just look into the center. A red cross should appear, then it'll take the picture."
"Okay…" I replied and did as he instructed, leaning my head forward to look into the device. Sure enough, a red cross appeared. "Is it…" was all I got out before the light turned blue and I saw a gray fog disperse and billow throughout the inside of the tube, extending for what I perceived to be miles. My jaw went slack and I couldn't breathe for maybe five seconds. Then Trent reshuttered the device and turned it over.
"Damn, 72." He said with a hint of shock. "That's the highest I've scanned to date." He looked back at me, more relaxed now, and muttered to himself. "How have you been able to function for this long? At this level, you should basically be half in, half out."
I rubbed my forehead, feeling a mixture of pain and frustration and fatigue and impatience which all poured out at once. "Listen, Trent," I said as sternly as I could, "I came here because you said you knew what was wrong with me and that you could help me. I get you have to make sure I am who I said I am, but now it's your turn to pay up. How do I know you know anything about my condition? You said my mom might still be alive. What does that even mean? I saw her die right in front of me. I want answers."
I waited for Trent to respond, but he only lifted his head. I turned around and saw a girl holding a tray of food.
"Um, hi, sorry to interrupt. I have an order 36 for Lauren."
"Oh, yes, thank you." I said. The worker placed the tray down on the table in front of me, and when I saw the food, I suddenly realized how hungry I was. Trent must have also realized this, because he folded his arms and said, "go ahead and eat. I'll explain while you do."
I wanted to protest, but my salivating mouth made other plans. "Fine," I said. I grabbed the metal spoon off the tray and started on the soup, bracing against the steaming heat of the potato chunks.
As I ate, Trent moved all of the items on his tray off to the side, then he flipped the tray over so it was raised slightly off the table. He took his cup and placed it face down in the center, then he rolled up a few of his used, blue mayonnaise packets and charted a track across the tray.
"What are you doing?" I croaked out between bites.
Trent ignored me and continued by ripping up a napkin into strips and placing them alongside the mayonnaise packets. Finally, he snapped ten toothpicks in half and stuck them in the tomb of a dozen overlayed napkins. "It's your diorama," he said at last.
"It's my what?"
"From the story you sent me. Your diorama. When I read about it, it gave me a good idea of how to explain the 'blinking'."
I pointed at the cup in the center. "Is that supposed to be a pyramid? Because I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong geometric neighborhood with that one."
"It's an analogy," he said.
"Of an analogy," I quipped back.
"Look," he picked out one of the toothpicks and held it out in front of me. "This could be a person, an animal, a crowbar—whatever you want. The point is, this diorama is a stand in for our universe. This is everything that exists, that we can see. Okay?"
"Okay,"
"Now, me," Trent placed a hand over his heart. "I'm not in the diorama. I don't exist in the universe."
"In the universe where a cup is a pyramid, or the actual universe?" I said, unable to control myself.
Trent grimaced.
"Sorry, keep going. I get it."
"Things pop into," Trent threw the toothpick back onto the tray, "or out of," he picked the toothpick back up, "our universe at will, based on forces," he patted his chest again, "that exist in other realms" he gestured to the room, "that are connected to our universe," he tapped two fingers against the tray. "These things could be objects, like, say, a toothpick, or entities, like the one you encountered yesterday. The blinking experience that you described aligns with the typical experience of a moderate Antenna. That's what I call people like us—Antennas; because we can pick up on signals others can't."
"We—you mean you see the blinking, too?"
"Yes, but not to the same extent as you. If all the blinks are gathered in a giant picture that you can see, I'm traversing the image through binoculars, maybe even a microscope, depending on where we are."
I thought about this. I guess it was possible there were other people like me out there, but since I had never met anyone, I didn't really consider the idea until now. And then for him to say my ability was somehow much stronger than his… "But," I started, "I haven't even seen that many blinks since I was a child. It's just more focused and malicious now."
"Yeah," Trent scratched his head, "that's the thing that got me really interested in you. Somehow you seem to be able to control it without gear, just by praying. And, look, that's all well and good, but I don't want to give you the false impression that I'm some kind of religious leader. I like to look for logical, scientific explanations for things. So that's the frame I'm coming at this from."
I took a sip from my drink. "That's fine," I said, "the truth is that's why I reached out to you in the first place. I wanted an explanation I could understand. An explanation that was directly related to what I'm going through."
"Then we should get along just fine."
I was scooping out the last potato that was stubbornly gliding along the bottom of the bowl when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the old man from the line shooting up from his bench and standing in army-erect form. I felt a tingling sensation tickle the back of my neck. I didn't want to turn toward him. I knew what I'd see if I did. "Trent," I whispered, trying to tip him off.
"Huh?" he grunted. Then when he saw my expression, he snuck his right hand under the table and said, "Do you see it? Is it here?"
I cocked my head to the left, signaling toward the old man that was now facing us, but Trent didn't seem to notice him: his eyes just kept scanning the entire front of the restaurant. Then I saw the old man take a step in our direction.
"Lauuurennnn, oh Lauuuurennnn, I've been looking for you, Laurenn." The old man said in a low, gravelly voice that gave the impression he was gurgling liquid tar. I turned and saw his face. It was cold and expressionless, and a butter knife was poking out of his left fist. When I met his eyes, he smiled that horrible smile."You're a slippery bitch, you know that?" He spat. "Why can't you just stay put? Don't you get tired of running from your old friend? Or have you forgotten about me?"
"Trent," I mumbled out. "Right there."
"And this guy. You think he can help you? He's only here to help himself. If that's not clear, you really are a lost little lamb."
"Quick, give me your hand," Trent instructed.
I was silent, my eyes still pinned to the old man.
"Tsk-tsk-tsk," the demon possessed senior wagged his finger at me, taking a step, then another step, shortening the distance as much as he could while I was entranced. Then, suddenly, he sprinted forward at a speed that shouldn't have been possible for a man his age.
"Trent!" I screamed.
"Lauren, give me your hand!"
I spun around and grabbed Tren'ts outstretched arm just as the old man lifted the butter knife over his head like a pickaxe. Then I saw Trent pull out what looked like a toy gun from under the table and point it at the demon.
"Got you," Trent remarked. I braced for a gunshot, but there was no noise. After a couple seconds, I looked back and saw the old man sitting in the booth opposite his wife, his hand tremoring as he reached for his large drink.
"What did you?" I asked, but Trent was already pulling me out of my seat. "Come on, we have to go," he said, "the effect is temporary, he'll be—"
Before he could get out the last word, I saw the cup-pyramid on Trent's tray blink out of existence. The sound of a plate shattering rang out from a table up ahead. The lone woman standing there slowly turned around, smiling, with a fork in one hand and a piece of the broken plate in the other. Trent shot her with the toy gun as we ran past and then barreled through the front door.
"Where—are we going?" I asked between gasps.
"My van. It's loaded with kit."
"And then where?"
"Your house" replied Trent who stashed his gun back in his pocket and took out a key fob.
"My house? But that's where he—it appeared."
"Yeah, and that's where you banished it."
Trent waved me into the passenger seat of his RAM 3500 Promaster. I noticed right away the dash which looked more like it belonged in a new limited-edition EV than a cargo van. The ignition kicked on automatically, and I heard the beep of a sonar ping precede an English woman's voice calling out like some auxed-in GPS saying, "scanning for anomalies". Trent shifted the van into gear, and I heard the wheels sputter as we accelerated backward and whipped out of the small parking lot.
"What's your address?" Trent asked. I gave it to him, and then speaking to his dash, he said, "Car, take us to ****."
"Redirecting to ****," replied the British woman. "Currently detecting 31 novel emergences. Updating pings every 300 milliseconds. Chance of contact: 0.23%"
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"The van has sensor equipment which can detect blinks. It's much more accurate than either of us."
"And it sees 31?"
"Yes, that's not as many as it sounds." Trent said and tore past a car that blinked out of existence right as we turned onto the main street.
We drove on for another couple minutes, the Englishwoman updating the number of novel emergences every ten seconds or so. Her constant babbling eventually became a comforting background noise, and I was able to think again.
"In the message you sent me, you said my mom may still be alive." I looked at Trent to see if he would react to me bringing her up, but he remained stolid. "What did you mean by that?"
Trent thumbed his steering wheel. "I shouldn't have sent that." He said at last.
"Shouldn't have… What do you mean? You can't just say that now."
Trent took one hand off the wheel and turned toward me. "Look, we're going back to your house because we need to determine your origin point. All Antennas have them. It's a place of high energy where many realms intersect, kind of like a station, and it's the place where you first acquired your abilities. Based on everything you wrote, I'm guessing that place is where the forest where the accident happened when you were a young child. But I need to confirm it. Once I confirm that that's the place…" Trent hesitated.
"Then… what? You want us to go back there? To the place where my mom died, or at least where I think she died until you told me she might be alive but are now taking it back? That place?"
"It's the only way to—"
"Now detecting novel agent," the Englishwoman interrupted. We both perked up as she gave another update. "Net anomalies: 437. Novel Agents: 1. Chance of contact: 78%."
"Shit," Trent muttered. "Car, course correct."
"Attempting course correct to avoid collision. Attempts made: 10, 50, 75, 79… No alternate route detected. Chance of contact: 96%."
"Time until contact?"
"Time until contact: 13 seconds."
I shuddered. Looking out the front windshield, I saw cars pop out of existence left and right, opening up a clear path to the four way intersection ahead. In a blink, the streetlights all turned green, and then they vanished completely. It was as if the entire world was being stripped down bare, and all that remained was the road, boxed in by the rows of buildings along either side. In the distance I could see a large tanker barreling toward us.
"Trent,"
"I know," he replied and clicked a different button on the console which opened a new toggle for the shifter labeled "TD". He pushed the stick forward, engaging the new mode, then pressed the accelerator all the way to the ground. "You're going to want to hold on."
"What are you doing!?" I yelled, grabbing onto my seatbelt.
"No time to explain. Car, release phase lock."
"Phase lock released."
I watched in horror as the color drained from the road and buildings and sky, transforming it all into a dim tunnel, with only the headlights of the oncoming semi-truck visible up ahead. I had the sudden thought that this was all a dream, just like the ones from my childhood. I looked over and no longer saw Trent, but my mother. And then I realized this wasn't a dream. This was hell. I was being forced to relive the worst moment of my life, over and over again. Just when I thought I had escaped, I was pulled right back into that car, helpless as we approached but never arrived at our impending fate. I closed my eyes right as the lights engulfed the windshield and braced for the usual pain in my chest, for the feeling of breaking.
But it didn't come.
"Shift" was the last word out of Trent's mouth, and then I was infused with the sensation of being at the pinnacle of a roller coaster. I was suspended there for what felt like hours, but somehow I knew that not even a second had passed. Everything inside the van: the dashboard, windows, ceiling, doors, even Trent himself began to radiate enigmatic particles. They were a mass of constant motion, like raindrops falling through the air but never landing. I looked down at my hand, but it was gone. Diffused into an unknowable number of untraceable particles. The world outside, once devoid of color, was now nothing but color. When I tried to focus on a particular spot in the infinite geometric folds of whatever realm we were traversing through, I could sometimes detect a trace of our world.
The old lady from the church. She appeared as if through a window, standing behind a table, holding out a plant. Only this image was so much brighter. And the plant she was holding was pure gold. Then I'd catch a glimpse of the razor blade. It was large, many hundreds of times larger than the van, and surrounded by darkness. These ghostly images appeared like holograms or reflections that caught the light at just the right angle, then dissipated.
I stayed there, looping between the archetypes of my life for a long, long time.
***
I knew we were returning when I felt the first sense of motion. Breath filled my lungs for the first time in what felt like a day. I blinked. And then we were back in town, driving down the same road with the blue sky above. People were jogging on the sidewalk past the little street shops. The streetlights were active. I checked the side mirror and saw the tanker had just passed by.
I looked over at Trent, who met my eyes. We shared a look of knowing, and unknowing. For some reason, that was enough, and we continued on in silence.
***
We agreed to stay the night at my house.
Trent had parked a couple blocks away in front of a couple vacant houses so as not to arouse suspicion from the neighbors. Then he lugged a large duffel bag with his equipment in and set it up in the living room. He scanned the scrapbook which contained the newspaper clippings from the accident several times and confirmed that was likely my 'origin point'. I simply nodded and then went back out onto the back porch. I sat there for hours, basking in the sun. Something had changed in the past day, but I couldn't pick out what it was. Too much had happened. I had too little time to process any of it.
When the sun set, I went inside and Trent told me about his plans for the next couple days. He said he needed to run a few errands in the morning, then meet up with a couple of his associates. After that, we could begin our drive to Southern Illinois. He said it was likely that the entity that was chasing me had first tied itself to me during my childhood accident. For whatever reason, we came into contact, and now it didn't want to leave. Trent would help me get rid of it. He didn't go into many details regarding how that was to happen, but I don't think in my tired state I would have been able to understand much anyway. He had a plan, and that was enough for me. At least for a while.
After our meeting, I made sure Trent had enough pillows and blankets like a proper host, then I retired to my room. I laid down on my twin bed and stared up at the cream-colored ceiling. Then I turned and saw the participation awards for my junior soccer league stashed on my dresser. I pictured myself on the field, running with the ball, out ahead of everyone except the goalie. I took a shot, but it was blocked. Then I ran back to defend. How can such a simple game be so much fun? Was the last thought I had before drifting off to sleep.
I woke up only once during the night. It was still dark out. The room was warm despite the small, flower petal fan churning away, shifting the hot, humid air from one pocket of the room to the next. I waited in apprehension, sensing that something had disturbed me. I saw the tomato plushie peeking out at me from the slightly ajar closet door where I had stashed it so many years ago. I felt like I was missing something. Something important.
And then I heard it.
There was a tapping at my window.

Part 1
First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and support from the last post. A lot has happened since then, and a bunch of context is needed, so I hope you'll bear with me as I explain the details.
***
Back during the peak of the blinking crisis, I remember having a lot of difficulty sleeping. It was common for me to average only four or five hours a night, and the little sleep I did get was marred by terrible nightmares. One in particular recurred many times.
I was only eight, but somehow I was in the driver's seat of our family's old SUV. My arms were long enough to steady the wheel, but my legs didn't quite meet the pedals. It didn't matter though, since the car seemed content to continue on at a constant pace. I looked over and saw my mom in the passenger seat. Her face was a blurry likeness pieced together from the dozen or so picture's I'd seen of her over the years. I tried to bring her into focus, not only because I missed her dearly, but because she was speaking—pleading, even. She waved frantically at me, then brought her leg up and slammed it down on the floor mat several times. I didn't understand what had her so upset until she pointed out the front windshield, and I saw we were hurdling directly toward a giant tree that had fallen in the middle of the road.
Panicking, I stomped for the brake, but my seatbelt protested and pulled me back like an invigorated dog on a short leash. I sat up and tried clicking it off, but it wouldn't budge. My breaths became hollow cries, and I felt my heart beat against the bars of its bony prison. I grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it to the left, then right, attempting to swerve off the road, but it was as if whatever kind of glue was locking up the seatbelt was also fixing the steering wheel in place.
"Mom! what do I do!?" I yelled, tears streaming from my eyes. She was yelling back at me, but it was as if there was a divider between us, and neither of us could hear each other. I turned back just in time to see the giant Oak tree meet the front bumper, and then I jolted awake with a piercing pain in my chest that radiated up through my throat in the form of a giant scream. My little legs kicked under the covers and tears rained down on my pillow until my dad ran in and knelt at my bed.
"Lauren, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?"
I grabbed my pillow and hugged it so my face was covered, then effused a "Mmm-hmm" in a long wheeze while rocking to either side.
"Oh, honey," he soothed and brushed my hair, then the tears from my face when I would allow it.
Time would pass in silence, and when I began to get the sense that my dad was ready to leave, I'd chirp out, "stay" in that way children do when they're embarrassed about wanting something.
"Always," my dad would reply; then he'd post up on the floor with my large tomato plushie as a pillow.
One night in particular, it was deep in the night, and I had woken to a tapping sound outside my window. I was so afraid that a monster had snuck into my room while I wasn't looking that I made him lay next to me and face outward. I'd peek my eyes open every minute or so to check and make sure my dad was there, staking out the room. Eventually, he rolled in close and said something that I still remember to this day.
"Hey, baby, guess what." he whispered.
"Mmm" I mumbled.
"I think you scared the monster away."
I tried to picture this through the fog of my fatigue. Something seemed off about the statement, like it wasn't logically possible, but before I could piece together the words to express that, my dad cut back in.
"It was scared because it realized you're a superhero. And you know what your greatest superpower is?"
I shook my head, making sure to rub my forehead against his shoulder so he could sense it in the dark room.
"You're greatest power is that you get to tell the monsters what to do. Because the monsters are only as strong as the stories you tell about them. And there's all kinds of stories. Happy ones. Sad ones. Scary ones. Tell me, this monster you think snuck in, would you say he's part of a scary story?"
"I don't know," I said, confused. "Maybe"
"Hmm," he hummed, contemplating. "Well, I want you to remember this. You have the ability to tell any kind of story you want. Maybe there are monsters, but that means there's heroes and angels, too, right?"
I was beginning to doze off to the comforting sound of my dad's deep voice, but I gave another affirmative "Mm-hmm".
"So, if you're ever scared, honey, just dream up a better story. A story that will bring you peace. Do you understand?"
But I was already out.
***
I woke up the next morning to the feeling that someone was in the hotel room with me. The drapes were drawn and the only sound was the AC unit blowing cold air, but when I looked toward the dark corner of the empty coat rack, my mind conjured the face of my dad, smiling at me, chanting that same, awful line—Oh, Lauren… you know who we are.
I was no longer a child, but it took a couple minutes of cold focus before I muscled the courage to ascend from the safety of my covers and flick on the lamp light. The small amber radius extended to where my dad's feet would have been if he was standing there. But there was no one. I let out a sigh and collapsed back onto the mattress, thinking back on all those years growing up. The same man who had helped me conquer my fear of the dark was now the monster hiding in its shadow.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the clock read 10:15. My meeting with Trent was in three hours. I moaned and stretched my arms back until they knocked against the headboard, then I collapsed back onto the mattress, meditating, gathering energy like a compressed spring. All at once, I jumped up and glided over to the drapes, opening them in a single, fluid motion. I grimaced at the sunlight, but the warmth felt good against my face. I stopped by the nightstand and gulped down the final few swigs of a bottle of Mello Yello that I had purchased from a vending machine the previous night, then undressed and hopped in the shower.
The warm water wasn't enough to wash away the previous night's memories. When I closed my eyes to lather my hair, I was back in my living room, standing opposite the demon that had taken on my dad's form. His smile. His laugh. It was like someone in my head was flipping a switch between the man I loved growing up and a terrible monster. But the fear was more powerful. I heard something drop onto the tile floor on the other side of the curtain. The noise made me gasp, and I opened my eyes while shampoo was still streaming down my face. I swiped the shampoo out of my now burning eyes and squinted at the curtain, trying to see through it, but I couldn't make anything out. "I-is anyone," I started, trembling, afraid to finish the sentence. I reached out and pinched the end of the curtain. My heart was in overdrive. I swallowed, then pulled it toward me and peeked out. I scanned the room, but I couldn't see anything out of place.
It wasn't until after I finished showering and wound myself up in one of the hotel's too-small towels that I saw what had made the noise. I bent down and picked up the stub of a razor blade that had fallen onto the tile right next to the puffy, gray shower rug. It wasn't mine, and I was pretty sure hotels didn't keep unguarded razor blades just laying around. When I held it up, it occurred to me that if it had simply fallen a few inches to the left, it would have been buried in the rug, and perhaps I would have stepped on it. I stared at myself in its steely reflection. Cold. Lonely. Small. What if I—was all I was able to think before the blade blinked out of my hand.
I threw on some clothes, packed up the few belongings I had into my purse, then checked out of my room. I didn't feel safe going back home after what happened, but I also didn't want to go anywhere else. I got in my car and drove aimlessly up and down the town's streets, focusing only on the car ahead of me. Anytime I started to travel down an avenue of thought, I'd make a turn, or speed up, or hit the brakes: anything to keep my mind distracted. It was sweltering outside, but I'd turn the heat on for minutes at a time until I felt drenched, then toggle max AC until I was cool, then back to heat. I repeated the basic driving tenet "10 and 2", "10 and 2", "10 and 2" like a mantra—a chant to focus my attention on a single point, and then I pictured that point disappearing. I began to think that maybe I wanted to disappear.
I fully intended to keep going that way until 1:00, but after about thirty minutes, my meandering route had led me to St. Mark's Catholic Church, where a large group of people were gathered around a long line of tables in front of the building. I slowed down. At the front of the venue was a large, white cardboard sign which read, "Plant a Seed, Share the Joy". I wasn't sure what that meant, but my boredom had come to a head, and I rationalized that if there's any place on God's green earth that would be safe, it was this one. I parked along the closest side-street, then walked over to the church.
Rows of white tables were covered with cardboard boxes filled with small plants that were wrapped up in individual paper pots. I watched from a distance as people behind the tables carefully removed the plants, one by one, and offered them to passersby. I continued down the line, a sheep in the herd, and allowed myself to sink into childhood memories. I had somehow made it out the other end near the Narthex when I heard a woman's voice call to me.
"Hey, deary, have you gotten one yet?"
I turned and saw a small, gray-haired lady with rose-colored glasses. "Oh, no," I started, attempting to decline, then paused. The old lady grabbed one of the plants and held it out for me.
"Here," she said. "Come on, I won't bite."
As far as you know, I thought, and stumbled forward with a sigh. "Thanks," I said and took the plant. "What is this all for, anyway?"
"It's a giveaway," the old woman responded. "Staff have been growing these plants—tomatoes and garlic, mainly—so they could offer them to members of the Parish. The idea is to have the members grow the produce, then donate it to St. Mark's Food Pantry to give to those in need."
"Oh, that's actually pretty cool." I replied and inspected my plant which was at present nothing more than a small green stem. "So which kind is this one?"
"That one is—" the old lady stopped and inspected the other plants near where she had grabbed mine—"tomato."
"Tomato," I repeated. "Well, thanks again."
"Of course, dear." the old lady beamed. "We're all responsible for each other."
I nodded, then continued back through the crowd toward my car when, through the large vestibule windows, I saw a Priest speaking to a young couple. It had been a little over a decade since I had attended a service (I stopped going during High School when I started studying other religions), and I didn't recognize this Priest. He was short (just over five feet tall), bald, and African American. He wore the customary black robe and white collar, and there was something in his smile and the way seemed to be affirming the couple that made me yearn to speak with him. I considered for a moment, a bit embarrassed to be stepping back into church after all this time, but the thought of being able to burn ten minutes talking with someone who might have some insight into my situation was too tempting to pass up.
I waited near a portrait of Mary Magdalene, my tomato plant in hand, staring off at the pristine series of stained glass images portraying the death and resurrection of Jesus. About a minute in, the Priest met my eyes; he smiled, his way of telling me he knew I was waiting, then finished up with the couple and made his way over. He had a bit of an accent when he spoke—it was Ugandan, from best I could tell—and a proclivity for laughing at the end of his sentences.
"Hello, Miss, I don't believe I've had the privilege," he said and held out his hand. He leaned in as he spoke, and his smile tugged on the corners of his eyes which were already marked with use.
I shook his hand and returned what I'm sure was a weak smile. "No, I don't think so. My name's Lauren. I used to come here when I was little. It's—been a while."
"Well, I see you picked a good day to visit. If you're into gardening, that is." He remarked with a laugh and gestured toward the plant. "It's nice to meet you, Lauren. My name's Martin—Father Martin, if you prefer."
"Father Martin," I repeated, "I have a friend named Martin. It's a good name."
He laughed and said, "Thank you, I'll pass that one along to my mother. She loves the praise."
I laughed back. He carried himself in such a carefree way that I was put immediately at ease. Almost to the point where I forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. "Um," I started, attempting to word my question in a way that didn't sound like I needed psychiatric help. "I have a couple of religious questions for you, if you have time."
"That's what I'm for. Ask away."
"They're about… miracles. Like the ones in the Bible. I was wondering, do you think that miracles still happen today?"
"Miracles, huh," he started. "You mean like water into wine?"
"Kind of, yeah,"
"Hmm…" he contemplated. "Well, I haven't seen them, myself. You know, I may be a Priest, but I also have a degree in Physics. I think God made the world according to laws, right? But I do think God has the power to intervene. Yes. I just have never seen it… like … you know, the biblical type of miracles. To me, there are miracles happening all around us—miracles we can't see."
"Exactly," I responded, thinking about how no one else could see the blinks, "those kinds of miracles. What are those miracles we can't see?"
One of Father Martin's eyebrows raised and he rubbed his chin. "Well, I think the greatest miracle is the miracle of God's love which was perfected in Christ and offered to each of us. It's his power to heal even the most troubled mind. By coming into alignment with God's will for us, we can see the true purpose of this existence."
No, he's not getting it, I thought. I scrambled to my other entry-point. "What about the story of Job? God made a bet with the Devil that Job would stay faithful to him no matter what the Devil did to him. Do you think that kind of situation is possible?"
Father Martin's expression drooped into a concerned frown. "There's quite the difference between miracles and the story of Job. I suppose I see what you're getting at, though. Job's suffering is in some ways the antithesis to positive miracles. In this life, we are tested, sometimes to the point of losing everything, but even that person who has more reason to hate God than anyone else can once again find peace and eternal happiness through faith. In fact, it's often the person who is lowest in the pit of suffering that needs the Light of Christ more than anyone else."
I thought back on the first night that I prayed. It was in my moment of greatest helplessness that I reached out to God, and I thought I had found my answer in Him. But now, after what happened last night, after all these years of chaos—not merely losing things that were important to me, but my very sanity—I needed more than just blind faith. I couldn't just sit idly by and hope things would get better. I smiled at the Priest and said, "Thank you, Father, this has been very insightful."
"Of course, sister. I'm sorry if I couldn't have been of more help."
"No, I think I understand now. I've been… wrestling with something, and I think God wants me to confront it. I think I've been running away and hiding from it for so long that I'd convinced myself it disappeared."
Father Martin nodded in understanding. "Well, in that case, will you let me leave you with a prayer?"
I was a bit taken off guard by the request, but I accepted. "Sure, Father."
I watched as he made the sign of the cross, then he lifted his hands and closed his eyes. "Dear God, I am so happy to have had the privilege of meeting with Lauren today, especially on a day such as this where we are offering gifts for those who need them. You have heard her desire to confront the things that are troubling her. I ask that you bless her with strength and peace and a clear conscience, that she may overcome these challenges. God, bless us with your spirit, that we may see your hand in our lives. Amen."
"Amen," I said.
As I was leaving, Father Martin called out to me and said, "Oh, just so you know, this Friday at 7 we are having a barbecue at the Parish Center. I would love to see you there, if you're able and wanting."
Turning back, I smiled and said, "Oh, ok, thanks Father. I'll think about it."
The priest nodded, and with a smile, he sent me off.
***
I walked into the Deli at 1:00 on the dot. The customers who had arrived for the lunch rush were already cleaning up their trash and heading out. I dodged past a few of them on my way down the long, narrow path leading to the front counter. While I waited behind a couple of elderly folk who were picking which soup they wanted to pair with their Ultimate Grilled Cheese, I looked around for Trent. He hadn't sent me a picture or any way of contacting him throughout the day, so I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I figured I'd see some man half-hidden behind a newspaper, scouting me out. Maybe I watch too many movies, I thought.
"Ahem, ma'am. You're up." croaked the teenager behind the register.
"Oh, right, sorry" I replied and stepped up to the counter. "Uhh," I muttered, scanning the menu for something that looked edible. "Could I just get…" I made sure to mouth every syllable as they were words of their own.
"We have a deal—the try two combo. Sandwich and a soup for $9.99." the cashier repeated for what was probably the fiftieth time that day.
"Yes, that sounds good. I'll do the Italian sandwich and potato soup. And a drink, please."
After I paid for the food, I wandered around the tables, hoping to find someone who looked like a Trent. I was picturing a short guy, runner's build, with long brown hair, tucked somewhere neatly away in the corner. So I was not prepared when the Hulk's stunt double growled my name from a table smack dab in the middle of the restaurant. He had a pale, square face that was spotted with freckles and a sinking property that comes with the lethal combination of stress and age. His hair was relatively short. Probably it was brown or auburn, but since it was slicked back, it looked almost black. And he wore what looked like janitor coveralls. There was even a cloth tag pinned to his chest which read, "Trent".
"Lauren?" He repeated.
"Yes, that's me." I said and took a seat across from him. I saw a brown tray on the table in front of him, and on the tray was a large, white soup bowl. It was empty and beginning to crust along the edges. He must have been here for some time already. "I didn't know where you'd be, so I was worried we might miss each other. I'm glad you found me though." I said while looking over Trent more thoroughly. His large hands were stretched out in front of him on the table. He wasn't wearing a ring, so he probably wasn't married. And his face, it was stern. He seemed like a no-bullshit kind of guy. Then I saw his eyes. They were sapphire blue—probably the most stunning I'd ever seen.
"We only spoke on the internet, so I hope you don't mind, but I usually run a preliminary test on anyone I meet who claims to have abilities such as yours." Trent said while reaching into his pocket and removing a device that had the size and shape of an electric razor. "All you have to do is look into it. It takes maybe five seconds. Ten at most."
"Oh, um, sure," I said reluctantly. "Do I just—" I asked while reaching for the device.
Trent clicked a button and released the cylindrical head which opened, revealing a glass circle about the size of an iris. "I'll hold it, just look into the center. A red cross should appear, then it'll take the picture."
"Okay…" I replied and did as he instructed, leaning my head forward to look into the device. Sure enough, a red cross appeared. "Is it…" was all I got out before the light turned blue and I saw a gray fog disperse and billow throughout the inside of the tube, extending for what I perceived to be miles. My jaw went slack and I couldn't breathe for maybe five seconds. Then Trent reshuttered the device and turned it over.
"Damn, 72." He said with a hint of shock. "That's the highest I've scanned to date." He looked back at me, more relaxed now, and muttered to himself. "How have you been able to function for this long? At this level, you should basically be half in, half out."
I rubbed my forehead, feeling a mixture of pain and frustration and fatigue and impatience which all poured out at once. "Listen, Trent," I said as sternly as I could, "I came here because you said you knew what was wrong with me and that you could help me. I get you have to make sure I am who I said I am, but now it's your turn to pay up. How do I know you know anything about my condition? You said my mom might still be alive. What does that even mean? I saw her die right in front of me. I want answers."
I waited for Trent to respond, but he only lifted his head. I turned around and saw a girl holding a tray of food.
"Um, hi, sorry to interrupt. I have an order 36 for Lauren."
"Oh, yes, thank you." I said. The worker placed the tray down on the table in front of me, and when I saw the food, I suddenly realized how hungry I was. Trent must have also realized this, because he folded his arms and said, "go ahead and eat. I'll explain while you do."
I wanted to protest, but my salivating mouth made other plans. "Fine," I said. I grabbed the metal spoon off the tray and started on the soup, bracing against the steaming heat of the potato chunks.
As I ate, Trent moved all of the items on his tray off to the side, then he flipped the tray over so it was raised slightly off the table. He took his cup and placed it face down in the center, then he rolled up a few of his used, blue mayonnaise packets and charted a track across the tray.
"What are you doing?" I croaked out between bites.
Trent ignored me and continued by ripping up a napkin into strips and placing them alongside the mayonnaise packets. Finally, he snapped ten toothpicks in half and stuck them in the tomb of a dozen overlayed napkins. "It's your diorama," he said at last.
"It's my what?"
"From the story you sent me. Your diorama. When I read about it, it gave me a good idea of how to explain the 'blinking'."
I pointed at the cup in the center. "Is that supposed to be a pyramid? Because I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong geometric neighborhood with that one."
"It's an analogy," he said.
"Of an analogy," I quipped back.
"Look," he picked out one of the toothpicks and held it out in front of me. "This could be a person, an animal, a crowbar—whatever you want. The point is, this diorama is a stand in for our universe. This is everything that exists, that we can see. Okay?"
"Okay,"
"Now, me," Trent placed a hand over his heart. "I'm not in the diorama. I don't exist in the universe."
"In the universe where a cup is a pyramid, or the actual universe?" I said, unable to control myself.
Trent grimaced.
"Sorry, keep going. I get it."
"Things pop into," Trent threw the toothpick back onto the tray, "or out of," he picked the toothpick back up, "our universe at will, based on forces," he patted his chest again, "that exist in other realms" he gestured to the room, "that are connected to our universe," he tapped two fingers against the tray. "These things could be objects, like, say, a toothpick, or entities, like the one you encountered yesterday. The blinking experience that you described aligns with the typical experience of a moderate Antenna. That's what I call people like us—Antennas; because we can pick up on signals others can't."
"We—you mean you see the blinking, too?"
"Yes, but not to the same extent as you. If all the blinks are gathered in a giant picture that you can see, I'm traversing the image through binoculars, maybe even a microscope, depending on where we are."
I thought about this. I guess it was possible there were other people like me out there, but since I had never met anyone, I didn't really consider the idea until now. And then for him to say my ability was somehow much stronger than his… "But," I started, "I haven't even seen that many blinks since I was a child. It's just more focused and malicious now."
"Yeah," Trent scratched his head, "that's the thing that got me really interested in you. Somehow you seem to be able to control it without gear, just by praying. And, look, that's all well and good, but I don't want to give you the false impression that I'm some kind of religious leader. I like to look for logical, scientific explanations for things. So that's the frame I'm coming at this from."
I took a sip from my drink. "That's fine," I said, "the truth is that's why I reached out to you in the first place. I wanted an explanation I could understand. An explanation that was directly related to what I'm going through."
"Then we should get along just fine."
I was scooping out the last potato that was stubbornly gliding along the bottom of the bowl when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the old man from the line shooting up from his bench and standing in army-erect form. I felt a tingling sensation tickle the back of my neck. I didn't want to turn toward him. I knew what I'd see if I did. "Trent," I whispered, trying to tip him off.
"Huh?" he grunted. Then when he saw my expression, he snuck his right hand under the table and said, "Do you see it? Is it here?"
I cocked my head to the left, signaling toward the old man that was now facing us, but Trent didn't seem to notice him: his eyes just kept scanning the entire front of the restaurant. Then I saw the old man take a step in our direction.
"Lauuurennnn, oh Lauuuurennnn, I've been looking for you, Laurenn." The old man said in a low, gravelly voice that gave the impression he was gurgling liquid tar. I turned and saw his face. It was cold and expressionless, and a butter knife was poking out of his left fist. When I met his eyes, he smiled that horrible smile."You're a slippery bitch, you know that?" He spat. "Why can't you just stay put? Don't you get tired of running from your old friend? Or have you forgotten about me?"
"Trent," I mumbled out. "Right there."
"And this guy. You think he can help you? He's only here to help himself. If that's not clear, you really are a lost little lamb."
"Quick, give me your hand," Trent instructed.
I was silent, my eyes still pinned to the old man.
"Tsk-tsk-tsk," the demon possessed senior wagged his finger at me, taking a step, then another step, shortening the distance as much as he could while I was entranced. Then, suddenly, he sprinted forward at a speed that shouldn't have been possible for a man his age.
"Trent!" I screamed.
"Lauren, give me your hand!"
I spun around and grabbed Tren'ts outstretched arm just as the old man lifted the butter knife over his head like a pickaxe. Then I saw Trent pull out what looked like a toy gun from under the table and point it at the demon.
"Got you," Trent remarked. I braced for a gunshot, but there was no noise. After a couple seconds, I looked back and saw the old man sitting in the booth opposite his wife, his hand tremoring as he reached for his large drink.
"What did you?" I asked, but Trent was already pulling me out of my seat. "Come on, we have to go," he said, "the effect is temporary, he'll be—"
Before he could get out the last word, I saw the cup-pyramid on Trent's tray blink out of existence. The sound of a plate shattering rang out from a table up ahead. The lone woman standing there slowly turned around, smiling, with a fork in one hand and a piece of the broken plate in the other. Trent shot her with the toy gun as we ran past and then barreled through the front door.
"Where—are we going?" I asked between gasps.
"My van. It's loaded with kit."
"And then where?"
"Your house" replied Trent who stashed his gun back in his pocket and took out a key fob.
"My house? But that's where he—it appeared."
"Yeah, and that's where you banished it."
Trent waved me into the passenger seat of his RAM 3500 Promaster. I noticed right away the dash which looked more like it belonged in a new limited-edition EV than a cargo van. The ignition kicked on automatically, and I heard the beep of a sonar ping precede an English woman's voice calling out like some auxed-in GPS saying, "scanning for anomalies". Trent shifted the van into gear, and I heard the wheels sputter as we accelerated backward and whipped out of the small parking lot.
"What's your address?" Trent asked. I gave it to him, and then speaking to his dash, he said, "Car, take us to ****."
"Redirecting to ****," replied the British woman. "Currently detecting 31 novel emergences. Updating pings every 300 milliseconds. Chance of contact: 0.23%"
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"The van has sensor equipment which can detect blinks. It's much more accurate than either of us."
"And it sees 31?"
"Yes, that's not as many as it sounds." Trent said and tore past a car that blinked out of existence right as we turned onto the main street.
We drove on for another couple minutes, the Englishwoman updating the number of novel emergences every ten seconds or so. Her constant babbling eventually became a comforting background noise, and I was able to think again.
"In the message you sent me, you said my mom may still be alive." I looked at Trent to see if he would react to me bringing her up, but he remained stolid. "What did you mean by that?"
Trent thumbed his steering wheel. "I shouldn't have sent that." He said at last.
"Shouldn't have… What do you mean? You can't just say that now."
Trent took one hand off the wheel and turned toward me. "Look, we're going back to your house because we need to determine your origin point. All Antennas have them. It's a place of high energy where many realms intersect, kind of like a station, and it's the place where you first acquired your abilities. Based on everything you wrote, I'm guessing that place is where the forest where the accident happened when you were a young child. But I need to confirm it. Once I confirm that that's the place…" Trent hesitated.
"Then… what? You want us to go back there? To the place where my mom died, or at least where I think she died until you told me she might be alive but are now taking it back? That place?"
"It's the only way to—"
"Now detecting novel agent," the Englishwoman interrupted. We both perked up as she gave another update. "Net anomalies: 437. Novel Agents: 1. Chance of contact: 78%."
"Shit," Trent muttered. "Car, course correct."
"Attempting course correct to avoid collision. Attempts made: 10, 50, 75, 79… No alternate route detected. Chance of contact: 96%."
"Time until contact?"
"Time until contact: 13 seconds."
I shuddered. Looking out the front windshield, I saw cars pop out of existence left and right, opening up a clear path to the four way intersection ahead. In a blink, the streetlights all turned green, and then they vanished completely. It was as if the entire world was being stripped down bare, and all that remained was the road, boxed in by the rows of buildings along either side. In the distance I could see a large tanker barreling toward us.
"Trent,"
"I know," he replied and clicked a different button on the console which opened a new toggle for the shifter labeled "TD". He pushed the stick forward, engaging the new mode, then pressed the accelerator all the way to the ground. "You're going to want to hold on."
"What are you doing!?" I yelled, grabbing onto my seatbelt.
"No time to explain. Car, release phase lock."
"Phase lock released."
I watched in horror as the color drained from the road and buildings and sky, transforming it all into a dim tunnel, with only the headlights of the oncoming semi-truck visible up ahead. I had the sudden thought that this was all a dream, just like the ones from my childhood. I looked over and no longer saw Trent, but my mother. And then I realized this wasn't a dream. This was hell. I was being forced to relive the worst moment of my life, over and over again. Just when I thought I had escaped, I was pulled right back into that car, helpless as we approached but never arrived at our impending fate. I closed my eyes right as the lights engulfed the windshield and braced for the usual pain in my chest, for the feeling of breaking.
But it didn't come.
"Shift" was the last word out of Trent's mouth, and then I was infused with the sensation of being at the pinnacle of a roller coaster. I was suspended there for what felt like hours, but somehow I knew that not even a second had passed. Everything inside the van: the dashboard, windows, ceiling, doors, even Trent himself began to radiate enigmatic particles. They were a mass of constant motion, like raindrops falling through the air but never landing. I looked down at my hand, but it was gone. Diffused into an unknowable number of untraceable particles. The world outside, once devoid of color, was now nothing but color. When I tried to focus on a particular spot in the infinite geometric folds of whatever realm we were traversing through, I could sometimes detect a trace of our world.
The old lady from the church. She appeared as if through a window, standing behind a table, holding out a plant. Only this image was so much brighter. And the plant she was holding was pure gold. Then I'd catch a glimpse of the razor blade. It was large, many hundreds of times larger than the van, and surrounded by darkness. These ghostly images appeared like holograms or reflections that caught the light at just the right angle, then dissipated.
I stayed there, looping between the archetypes of my life for a long, long time.
***
I knew we were returning when I felt the first sense of motion. Breath filled my lungs for the first time in what felt like a day. I blinked. And then we were back in town, driving down the same road with the blue sky above. People were jogging on the sidewalk past the little street shops. The streetlights were active. I checked the side mirror and saw the tanker had just passed by.
I looked over at Trent, who met my eyes. We shared a look of knowing, and unknowing. For some reason, that was enough, and we continued on in silence.
***
We agreed to stay the night at my house.
Trent had parked a couple blocks away in front of a couple vacant houses so as not to arouse suspicion from the neighbors. Then he lugged a large duffel bag with his equipment in and set it up in the living room. He scanned the scrapbook which contained the newspaper clippings from the accident several times and confirmed that was likely my 'origin point'. I simply nodded and then went back out onto the back porch. I sat there for hours, basking in the sun. Something had changed in the past day, but I couldn't pick out what it was. Too much had happened. I had too little time to process any of it.
When the sun set, I went inside and Trent told me about his plans for the next couple days. He said he needed to run a few errands in the morning, then meet up with a couple of his associates. After that, we could begin our drive to Southern Illinois. He said it was likely that the entity that was chasing me had first tied itself to me during my childhood accident. For whatever reason, we came into contact, and now it didn't want to leave. Trent would help me get rid of it. He didn't go into many details regarding how that was to happen, but I don't think in my tired state I would have been able to understand much anyway. He had a plan, and that was enough for me. At least for a while.
After our meeting, I made sure Trent had enough pillows and blankets like a proper host, then I retired to my room. I laid down on my twin bed and stared up at the cream-colored ceiling. Then I turned and saw the participation awards for my junior soccer league stashed on my dresser. I pictured myself on the field, running with the ball, out ahead of everyone except the goalie. I took a shot, but it was blocked. Then I ran back to defend. How can such a simple game be so much fun? Was the last thought I had before drifting off to sleep.
I woke up only once during the night. It was still dark out. The room was warm despite the small, flower petal fan churning away, shifting the hot, humid air from one pocket of the room to the next. I waited in apprehension, sensing that something had disturbed me. I saw the tomato plushie peeking out at me from the slightly ajar closet door where I had stashed it so many years ago. I felt like I was missing something. Something important.
And then I heard it.
There was a tapping at my window.

Pesto is a nutritious sauce and condiment available in many tasty variations, but is pesto keto-friendly?
Yes, traditionally prepared pesto is low in carbs and can be a great way to add depth of flavor to various keto recipes.
Discover the benefits of regularly incorporating pesto into a ketogenic diet and learn how to make the best Healthy Keto® pesto recipe.

What is pesto?

Originating from Genoa, Italy, authentic pesto sauce is crafted from simple ingredients, including fresh basil leaves, garlic, parmesan cheese, pecorino cheese, pine nuts, olive oil, sea salt, and pepper.
The name pesto comes from the Genovese word pestare, which means to pound or crush. It depicts the traditional method of preparing pesto using a mortar and pestle to combine ingredients.
Here are common ingredients used in different pesto varieties.

Common herbs used in pesto

The original pesto recipe, Pesto alla Genovese, exclusively uses Genovese basil as the primary herb due to its unique sweetness.
Basil is a delicate herb, and using the mortar and pestle instead of harshly chopping or blending with a food processor slows down the oxidation of the leaves. This not only helps preserve the sauce's vivid green hue but also enhances its flavor and aroma.
However, pesto has evolved to encompass a broader range of ingredients.
Here are some other common herbs used in many pesto recipes:

• Italian flat-leaf parsley
• Cilantro
• Mint
• Oregano

In addition to herbs, many pesto sauces incorporate ingredients such as arugula, spinach, kale, lemon juice, or tomatoes.

Common nuts used in pesto

Similarly, some recipes replace the traditional toasted pine nuts with other types of nuts to add a unique twist to the classic dish.
Here are some commonly used nuts used to prepare pesto:

• Almonds
• Cashews
• Walnuts
• Pecans
• Pistachios

Is pesto keto-friendly?

Traditional pesto is low in carbohydrates and contains less than one gram of net carbs per tablespoon. This makes pesto an excellent keto-friendly option that offers impressive flavors.
However, since there are many different pesto variations, it’s crucial to read labels to check that there are no added sugars or hidden carbs that could interfere with ketosis.
For those following Healthy Keto, a low-carb diet that focuses on nutrient-dense whole foods, checking the ingredients list is essential, as many pre-made pestos can include potentially harmful additives and preservatives.
Watch this video to discover the health and nutritional benefits of basil.
Amazing Health & Nutritional Benefits Of Basil

4 health benefits of pesto

Authentic basil pesto combines several superfoods high in nutrients, offering many potential health benefits.
Here are four reasons why you should incorporate more pesto into your meals.

1. Anti-aging properties

Research published in Frontiers in Nutrition shows that healthy fats, particularly the monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fatty acids found in olive oil, can improve brain function and help reduce the risk of cognitive decline.
These fatty acids are also vital for supporting eye health and contribute to healthier skin by improving skin barrier function and hydration.

2. Supports the immune system

According to a study published in Foods, Genovese basil is particularly rich in polyphenols, including rosmarinic and caffeic acid.
These health-promoting compounds have been linked to potent anti-inflammatory effects that support immune system function and may lower the risk of chronic diseases.
3. Potential anti-cancer effects
Key ingredients in pesto, including basil, garlic, and olive oil, are exceptional sources of antioxidants that may help lower cancer risk.
Antioxidants can counteract the effects of free radicals, thereby preventing oxidative stress, which is linked to cellular and DNA damage, a leading cause of cancer.

4. Promotes digestive health

Parmigiano Reggiano, widely considered the best cheese for pesto, contains digestive enzymes and beneficial gut bacteria, also known as probiotics.
Probiotics help maintain a healthy gut microbiome essential for nutrient absorption, digestive health, and overall well-being.
Research published in Food Technology and Biotechnology found that Parmigiano Reggiano also contains oligosaccharides, which act as a prebiotic food source for beneficial gut bacteria.

Store-bought vs. homemade pesto

Italians will be the first to tell you there's no comparison between store-bought and homemade pesto sauce.
Pesto is a delicate sauce that’s best consumed fresh, as its flavor and quality can deteriorate quickly, becoming bitter and dull as the enzymes released from basil oxidize.
To help extend pesto’s shelf life, store-bought versions often contain preservatives and additives that can negatively impact the flavor and quality of the sauce and may harm your health.
Additionally, many store-bought pestos will substitute critical ingredients, such as extra virgin olive oil (EVOO), cheese, or fresh garlic, with cheaper alternatives or omit them entirely, leading to a bland or unpalatable flavor and a significantly lower nutritional value.

How to choose the best store-bought pesto sauce

Homemade pesto sauce is always preferred, but if you don't have time to make it, the best premade pestos can often be found in the refrigerated section.
Look for pestos that don't contain artificial preservatives or low-quality ingredients, such as sunflower oil or potato flakes. Instead, opt for certified organic and non-GMO products that use high-quality oil and real cheese sourced from grass-fed and pasture cows.

Keto-friendly pesto recipes

If you're looking for a way to add extra flavor to your keto meals, look no further than pesto. Chicken, fish, steak, and most vegetables pair exceptionally well with this tasty and versatile sauce.
Here are some delicious keto-friendly pesto recipes:

• Sun-dried tomato pesto dip
• Vegan keto pine nut pesto
• Vegan mint pesto and veggie bowl
• Keto creamy basil sausage casserole
• Macadamia nut and parsley pesto vegan bowl

To complete your pesto experience, try experimenting with keto pasta recipes.
Zucchini noodles, keto gnocchi, and keto egg noodles are excellent low-carb pasta alternatives that work well with keto pesto sauce.

Tips to make the best pesto sauce

Here are some tips on how to choose the best ingredient to make a nutritious and flavorful pesto at home.

Parmesan cheese

Opt for authentic Parmigiano Reggiano, an Italian staple that’s been in production for over 900 years.
Known for its rich, nutty flavor and granular texture, Parmigiano Reggiano undergoes a meticulous aging process and adheres to stringent production standards, ensuring its authenticity and superior quality.
The Parmigiano Reggiano standard guidelines underscore a commitment to natural production, prohibiting additives and ensuring cows are fed local forage.
This approach not only guarantees the cheese's premium taste but also preserves essential nutrients and probiotics.

Olive oil

Select only pure cold-pressed EVOO. Many olive oils on the market are diluted with cheaper oils that compromise flavor and can introduce harmful ingredients that may negatively impact your health.
In addition, evidence published in the Asia Pacific Journal of Clinical Nutrition summarizes, "phenolic content of olive oil is reduced by chemical extraction and refining."
By prioritizing cold-pressed EVOO, you ensure your olive oil is rich in flavor and health-promoting properties.

Fresh Genovese basil

Harvested during early growth stages to ensure optimal flavor, Genovese basil is the prime choice for making basil pesto.
As Dr. Berg explains, "Basil has some amazing health benefits. It’s loaded with vitamin K, manganese, and flavonoids, which can help support healthy bones, blood clotting, and skeletal health while offering potent anti-inflammatory properties.”

One of my best friends is getting married this weekend and she asked to commission a bag from me and her comment about the price is making me feel yucky. I wanted to get y'all's opinions to see if I'm justified or not.
About a month ago my friend asked me to commission a crocheted and lined bag for the groom to step on in their wedding. I said yes and started working with her right away finding the perfect pattern, yarn and fabric for her. I gave her the prices of the materials before buying but never gave her a full quote on the finished bag because I wasn't sure how long it would take me (it was lace weight yarn). I did finish it about a week ago and she said she loved it and it was perfect.
In the end it took me about 8 hours to finish the bag and I charged her 4 hours at $9 an hour. With the materials the bag came out to be $65. When I asked her if she was okay with that she never responded. About a week later I asked her about it again and she said "it's more than I expected but it is what it is". It's been a few days since then and she hasnt paid me yet.
Her comment made me feel really bad, like disrespected and not valued. She is a ceramics artist and sells mugs and cups (many of which I have bought from her) so she knows the value and time it takes to make homemade goods. I'm planning on bringing this up and explaining how I feel to her after the wedding. I don't want to do it now as I'm a bridesmaid and she's already very stressed and I don't want to add to her plate or put a strain on our relationship. Before I talk to her about this I wanted to get y'all's opinions and see if I'm being unreasonable about what she said and her attitude or if I'm just being sensitive. What do you guys think?

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
“That’s strange,” Exar said a minute later, “I’m not picking up any of the satellite constellations. If it was just one of them knocked out, I’d put it down to a scheduled maintenance. But all of em? Fishy, that’s what it is.”
“I don’t understand,” Rene’s spirits plummeted at the news. He should have known it wouldn’t be so easy.
“Me neither, chief. But take it easy!” Exar assured him, “There’s an easy fix for that. Just hike me up someplace with better reception. Any place where we can get above all these damn trees is good.”
“I’m afraid that’s not exactly an option, noble Exar.”
Rene briefly summarized the situation, filling in the details whenever Exar interrupted him with a question, which was not often.
“Got it,” Exar said after listening attentively, “In short, you’ve got a tribe of devolved humanoids on your tail, also infected by the same parasitoids as our young miss over here. Comms are down, and our closest exfil point is at least thirty-nine klicks due southeast, where our friends, ‘the Fleet’, will be waiting for you.”
“How did you measure the distance so precisely?” Rene asked.
“The T.O.R.U. you were piloting is currently in power cycling mode, but it’s still sending out its mayday message for the repair crews. Judging by the fact that it ejected us via safety pod, the unit must’ve suffered potentially catastrophic damage to its subsystems. Not to worry, though. My inbuilt Geiger counter just gave the all-clear, so there was no meltdown in the reactor core.”
“The most pressing issue is that you have less than 72 hours’ worth of fungicidal doses left, and nothing with which to defend yourself but the monomachete from your kit. In addition, this young lady—”
“Zildiz,” Rene supplied him.
“My bad—Zildiz. I like it, very exotic. Zildiz belongs to a culture which behaves aggressively towards Exodus Industries development projects here on the ground. That everything?” Exar briskly concluded.
Rene nodded. Exar then immediately began outlining a plan of action. Their first priority was to gain altitude and establish communication with ‘Exodus Industries’, an entity which Rene assumed was the ancestor-gods’ equivalent to Fleet Command.
Exar would then signal for help using the spinning bowl (which it referred to as an ‘allcomm antenna’) and an interstellar shuttle would be sent to transport them to the one of the moons.
The moons! Rene was giddy at the prospect of becoming the first man to have returned to mankind’s celestial origin. He tried not to get his hopes too high, however, knowing life’s avowed fondness for ruining every dream a man ever had.
Failing that, Exar would use the high vantage point to triangulate their position using nearby geographic landmarks. Once they had their bearings, it would be a simple matter of hiking over to the nearest hardened base and knocking on the airlock doors.
“I must say, you’re taking all this bad news remarkably in stride, wise Exar,” he told the beeping sphere.
“Oh, puh-leeze! This ain’t my first rodeo, pardner. We E.X.A.R. units have dealt with far worse in our time.”
“Really? Worse than Arachnea?”
“Oh, is that what the kids are calling this place these days? Sure is catchier than 65 Syngman Bb, lemme tell ya. But yeah, this here is nuthin.”
Exar chuckled, a child amused by the backwardness of his senile grandparents.
“Alien plague strains from the thawed-out heart of an asteroid. Cosmophage armadas unleashed by rogue A.I. Not to mention all those privateer raids on the fringes of Pact space. We’ve dealt with them all, helped people survive through the worst the galaxy can throw at them. And with 95% success rate, too, if I may add,” Exar said somewhat immodestly, “Anywho, that’s enough of me jawing. Let’s go mobile, chief.”
“What, right now?”
“The mist’s our best shot, bo-sing. Natural concealment. No telling how long it’ll last.”
Before they left, Rene had Exar explain the functions of all the tools in the kit. The sphere confirmed what Rene had suspected: the slate fed on the radiance of the suns. Exar called it a ‘solar cell panel’. In turn, the pronged cords attached to the solar cell could transfer energy to artefact he wanted to use.
He connected the panel to the mysterious gauntlet with the underslung pipe, which Exar informed him was a ‘laser designator’, a tool meant for guiding in airdropped supplies or flying machines.
“It also doubles as a heat source. Just up the wattage on that sucker with the slide wheel on the edge of the hand. See it?”
Rene put on the gauntlet and activated it by means of a green switch under the thumb. A tight needle of red light shone from the tube, and Rene understood that it was basically like the electrochemical torches that miners used. When he adjusted the slide wheel the needle of light narrowed and grew brighter. Where it touched the granite walls of the burrow there, sour-smelling wisps of smoke rose.
Hot enough to scorch stone? He would have to be careful where he pointed this.
“Go easy on it, though,” Exar advised him, “That kinda power output will drain the juice in a jiffy.”
“The juice?” Rene repeated stupidly.
Exar made it clear to him that the artefacts could store ‘the juice’ from the panel. Moreover, the panel could be mounted on the front or the back of the jumpsuit by means of the same backpack rigging that held the breathing apparatus, allowing the user to collect the juice and charge up to two devices (Exar included) even while on the move. Even the bulky survival kit could be could be fastened to his loadout with a set of clasps at the bottom of the pack which Rene hadn’t noticed.
“As for me, I can hitch a ride on your backpack as well,” Exar told him brightly. And indeed, there was a spherical indentation above the breathing apparatus where Exar could fasten himself in with his stubby spike legs.
Rene whistled appreciatively at the compact nature of the jumpsuit’s design; the entire survival kit was so cleverly put together, a testament to the ancestor-gods’ practical mindset.
He secured his gear, choosing to split the juices between Exar and the gauntlet, and got ready to leave. Rene crouched at the hatch of the burrow like a man in a trench waiting for the shrill whistle that would propel him up and over into the desolate no-man’s land.
Then he noticed Zildiz still huddled in place, not even daring to look at him or the talking sphere. Rene had originally been grateful that Exar’s appearance had shut her up, but this state of catatonic shock of hers worried him.
“Coming?” he asked her.
“I’m not going anywhere with that…that thing!” she stated categorically.
“Was it something I said?” Exar sounded hurt.
“The simulacrum said it would cut me out of my exomorph. That would kill me, Fleet-man.”
“Madame, I got no intention of hurting you!” Exar protested, “But the fact is, you’re sick. The parasite’s attached to so many of the organs in your body, that I fear that it’s totally coopted their functions. Our people have the technology to reverse all that.”
“I will not heed the promises of a slaved intelligence!” she snapped.
Their argument was interrupted by a chorus of hair-raising screams from the jungle beyond. Even in those guttural, inhuman voices there was no mistaking the notes of grief and rage.
“They’ve found Kryptus,” Rene surmised, “Just like you said they would.”
“I take it the natives are restless,” Exar tittered nervously, “Tailo, methinks we gotta go.”
Rene saw Zildiz hesitate, weighing the balance of her fears and forming an internal consensus. He made a move to tip the scales in his favor, and spoke to her from the heart:
“Zildiz. I swear to you that as long as it is within my power to protect you, I will not allow you to come to harm. You are a prisoner of penultimate importance to the Fleet. I’d sooner die than fail in my mission to get you back to civilization. If you doubt my intentions, consider the fact that nobody in their right minds would’ve tried so hard to keep you alive, not unless they have very good reasons to do so.”
“I am not like the Leapers or your people, the Gallivants. I am a soldier of the Fleet, and my priority is the continuation of my species—our species,” he added firmly, “Now, I can’t begin to imagine what horrors and depravities your kind have suffered these past few centuries, or what the Vitalus has taught you to believe. But in my mind, we are all one people under the same god. If that god is the Vitalus, then it is clear that he hates us. Why else would he, in all his supposed omnipotence, condemn us to live in this unending state of warfare and ignorance? Why does he forbid the full use of the human intellect, the sole source of our comfort and security in an uncaring universe? Why must he despise us so?”
“I don’t know the answers to those questions. But I do know this: I do not hate you, Zildiz of the Gallivants. In fact, I would very much like to help you. Will you let me do that?”
Rene stood up and lifted the hatch, turning to offer her a hand.
“Besides! If you come with me, we can go ask the gods in person.”
This is certainly new, Zildiz thought, unsure of what to make of Rene’s offer. His suggestion of a pan-kindred alliance bound together by their shared ancestry was ridiculous, of course. She knew enough of the mathematical models and the general principles of nature to know that such an undertaking was doomed by definition. And yet here was an opportunity unlike any other.
Rene meant to take her to one of the last remaining holdfasts of the Betrayers. Who would have thought that those ancient demons were still clinging on to life, lurking in some nameless abyss, waiting for their chance to wreak one final act of vengeance upon an unsuspecting Arachnea.
And here she was, uniquely placed to destroy them all in one fell stroke. Once she was nestled in that abode of evil, a single transmission from her magnetosynaptic organ to the Vitalus was all it would take to bring Its righteous fury down upon them.
The rewards would be immense. At the very least they would make her a Matriarch. Her gilt helix would live on forever in the generations to come, her legacy enshrined in the undying architecture of the genome. Her children would never go hungry or cold for the rest of their lives. She and her brood could have their pick of exomorph grafts.
Infrared eyes for night stalking, hypo thorax stabilizer tendons for prolonged flight, extra waste ducts, subdermal heat signature regulators, biochemical afterburners to add thrust, not to mention a whole slew of offensive weaponry—nothing would be off the table!
All she had to do was take Rene’s hand.
She did. The Fleet-man lifted her up out of the burrow, trying not to look too surprised at her acceptance.
A very naïve race, she decided. He caught her calculating gaze and must have mistaken it for the beginnings of friendship, for he said:
“Glad to have you aboard, Zildiz. Now let’s get the hell out of here.”
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

We are 10 family members who booked this trip through a tour agency. My dadi(grandmother) is 76 years old with operation in both legs and a 3 year cancer patient. Our tour started at 11th May, 2024. We did the char dham in proper sequence (Yamnoutri -Gangotri- Kedarnath -Badrinath). We had a proper itinerary and online bookings done by the agency.
First we had a hotel booking in Barkot. The hotel was okay. they are extremely possessive about their towels with a rule- 1 towel per room??? I'm with my dadi and aunty in one room. They probably have a laundry problem or something but every single hotel has this nonsense rule. Anyways, next day 5am we left for Yamnoutri. Got stuck in a 5km long jam(Yamnoutri is 35km away) Me and my dad decided to walk it out. We covered 20km by 3pm however it started raining and couldn't continue ahead. We stayed in a tapri for 4 hours until the rain cleared. Our family was still stuck in traffic and hadn't reached even close to us. Now it's 8pm. We were supposed to be done with Yamnoutri and go back to our Barkot hotel. We had to cancel our Barkot bookings(and the hotel manager put all the bags of our 10 people in 1 room messing up everyones luggage). We booked another hotel at Sayanchatti were our family members reached at 11pm. Police management was utterly trash. I think even they were surprised with the amount of overcrowding. Next day we finally reached Yamnoutri. About the trek- the pathway/trail is full of shit. And I mean literally full of horse-poop. There are 700-1000 horses. Even after getting a horse, we had to wait 40mins for parchi and additional 1 hour(while on our horse) because of horse-jam. Yes there is a traffic jam of horses ON THE TREK. We wanted to walk but seeing the people who did walk, I was glad we didn't. The path is almost 3 meter wide with pithu, doly/palki, horses and people walking simultaneously. People who walked got continuously hit by horses and had to dirty their shoes in horse poop. We reached the temple finally, did Pooja, etc and managed to return Barkot where we had to re-book for another night. Our itinerary was already messed up at this point and money was wasted thrice (previous booking unattended in Barkot, the new booking in Sayanchatti and rebooking in Barkot). There is more like the incredibly risky horse route, etc but that's inevitable. I'm gonna continue with Gangotri.
We reached Maneri after struggling in jams for 7+ hours. We also did Uttarkashi before that. Ok so here the police had stopped us at checkpost and said cars are going in batches and if they let us go the jam ahead would only get worse. Now our hotel was 5 minutes(3km) by car from the checkpost. I went walking 3km and reached the hotel and there was absolutely no traffic like we told the police. We even showed them on Google maps. Traffic jams are understandable, but not letting us go after talking to the hotel owner, seeing proof that we won't contribute to traffic, that was a bit triggering. From police side it was just plain dumb. The commisioner there would keep talking his egoistical nonsense, not listening to anyone. Finally the rest of my family reached the hotel. Same issue with towels, rubbish beds, never ending insects and super unclean bathrooms with no pressure in water(flush, jets, bath, basin). Anyways, next day 12am we left for Gangotri with zero sleep because we are already behind our bookings and trying to avoid wasting more money. Got stuck in jam till 6am. [Also another note here, we had 2 private cars and one of the drivers was sleeping drunk and almost hit me and my mom. He hit a tempo traveller and we told him go back to sleep.] Finally reached Gangotri at 5:30pm, did our Pooja and then got in line for Darshan. My dadi and I got into the senior citizen line because she is 76 years old and can barely stand/walk in lines. Tilll now in the trip I don't completely blame the police for what was going on. But here in Gangotri, if anyone is going I am warning you, the police is rubbish. They are rude, tired with the crowd and very harsh and worst of all lazy. When u reach the main statue to go darshan, it's continuous pushing and almost a stampede, you cannot carry a baby or a old person there, they are garanteed to get hurt and the police won't care AT ALL. If you are lucky u might get to see the main statue of Ganga Mata for more than 4 seconds. After that we got back to our hotel in Maneri.
Next day we left for our hotel booking (adjusted by our agency) in Phata-Mankheda. Don't forget to go to Guptkashi before entering Phata. Here too same issues like 1 towel per room, charging points at the most unreachable locations in the room, etc. But this was still better than Maneri. Next morning 3am we left for Sonprayag. There is a line for your registration approval which goes on till Sitapur (2km from Sonprayag). People will continuously try to break and enter the line and there is almost a stampede and lot of heated crowd. After registration, you can go join 1km line for government taxi(50rs per head) from Sonprayag to Gaurikund. Anyways, after reaching Gaurikund there is a 1km inclined gali then the horses start.Remember this part^. So here we again had to take a horse even tho we wanted to trek because at this point we were on 3-4hrs sleep everyday and our mental was very weak. We paid 6000rs per horse because it wasn't morning and the horse owner GARANTEED us all of my family members will be together, there will be one person per horse and that he already has the parchi. 5 of us had taken the horses and others went walking, palki and pithu. This path was again same as Yamnoutri or even worse. More horse-poop than ever, the sweepers there won't care and sweep the trash on you if u r in their way and continue doing so. People working there are literally illustrate and 'gouthi'. The horse owner didn't fulfil his promise either. There was 1 man handling 3 horses. The horses were going anywhere, hitting our legs on railings, other yatris,other horses etc. They told us to get down and walk 50m every time they saw police which is when we understood they didn't make a parchi. When we reached the top they demanded for the full money which they very very very obviously did not deserve for all their lies. When we said take 28k because anyways 2 of their men didn't come. They said give 30k else don't give anything at all. This childish, greedy attitude of theirs was again very triggering. We are not beggars and they are not doing us any favours so we still paid them the full amount. We are on a spiritual journey but since everything is about money from tourism, our spirit kept getting crushed. We had to spend the night at Kedarnath and our agency had booked us a dormitory. I warn anyone booking a dormitory, just don't. 30 unclean, continuously used beds, in one non- ventilation suffocating room with 1 Indian style toilet whose latch doesn't work shared with strangers. And the worst part is it is 1000rs per bed. I wouldn't pay 20rs for this rubbish service. At this point my spirit completely broke and I fell sick. I hadn't eaten anything and didn't want to. Next day my dad and I went down through horse at government rate (2300/). Others came in pithu and trek. Now came the worst part. The overcrord at the narrow 500m gali which i told u to remember above. Oh my God. After 22km Trek you are treated with this 0 management wild crowd. I had to take care of my dadi and fam from getting hurt. After reaching Gaurikund, again another 1.5km line with no special preference for senior citizens. Here people bribed the police 500rs to break and enter the line(happened right in front of me and my phone had no battery) When you reach the taxi finally, everyone tries to enter together and the police are just standing mutes. They are done with this💀. Finally got into the taxi, reached Sonprayag. Had to walk till Sitapur. Got a private taxi from there who demanded unreasonable price.We got mad and told him 4000rs till phata-mankheda(20km) which he then agreed to. Our hotel had changed to the worst possible hell of a hotel ever. I don't even want to talk about it. It has scarred me how people go about their business with 0 standards. At this point we just wanted to go home but Badrinath is left 😭
Ngl Badrinath tour was decent. Our hotel was in Piplakoti. Decent hotel called River view hotel. Roads are good. Only 4 hour line in Badrinath with heated crowd and 5 second darshan. At this point we are used to this so it's ok💀. Police was actually working and managing. Only issue we faced was directions from main road to the mandir and back. At night it gets very confusing.
Now I'd like to add, i haven't taken any names of hotels(except river view) or my tour agency because I don't mean any disrespect.
Uttrakhand is a beautiful beaitiful and amazing place with sceneries and memories I will carry with me forever. The sceneries while going to every dham are different and unique in their own way. Even just traveling from one dham to another by road is an amazing experience(excluding the jams).
I have some opinions- 1. Management is almost non-existent. Meet any Yatri and they will tell you the same. 2. Police are corrupt and lazy. Some try actively but that's like 10% of them. 3. The problem with hotels is that they are all on lease. I'll explain. The owner gives a person say Rahul their hotel on lease and asks for a certain amount per year. Rahul gets paid after that certain amount exceeds. Hotel bookings for char dham 6 months are always full. Rahul will always get this money and hence sees no need to maintain this hotel. So that's that. 4. Uttrakhand runs only and only on tourism and it is obvious. So as an individual tourist, you DO NOT matter. They don't care, they get people continuously. If your booking is cancelled there is always someone else to take it. You cannot talk sense to anyone running any type of service there. 5. Yamnoutri, Gangotri and Kedarnath roads for reaching there are narrow. Government should ban big buses permanently and is the best move they can make. These buses are 80% of the reasons for jams. They are improving roads but it's been 75+ years since independence so idk what they are doing. 6. Government should NOT take registrations when they cannot afford them. 27 Lakh registrations is not a joke. 2.8Lakh people in 4 days is not a joke. No one can manage this amount of people. Have a limit. People are spending lakhs of rupees coming from all over India for this and 90% of it is a bad experience. 7. Don't open all char dham together. This year's main issue was all 4 temples opened at the same date, 10th May. People were already ready and started rushing from 7-8th May.
Advice for Future Yatris- 1. Don't come in May. I had a compulsion so we had to. But everyone here says that the best months for char dham is September-October before Diwali. 2. If you do come in May, don't do online bookings. You need to be flexible with where you are gonna stay. 3. Carry a towel per person. Hotels are extremely possessive about their towels. 4. Leave early for every dham if you are committed to do all 4 of them. I've seen lot of people give up in jams. 5. Get warm clothes especially lot of socks and bring medicines, etc. Rain coats are ok but u need a poncho. Rain coats don't cover your bagpacks while trekking and even if they do, they will stretch and might tear. 6. Private cars/taxi yatri, spend a bit more and get a comfortable car. You will spend most of the time in your vehicle. Tempo travellers are extremely uncomfortable and avoid them. 7. Take cold water baths at colder places as warm water baths bring the blood vessels to skin level making it more sensitive later. You have to be mentally prepared before taking a cold water bath. 8. Weather changes like anything. Suncap and goggles are a must in day time. 9. If u get sick/stomach upset have black tea and biscuits. 10. Do private Pooja at Badrinath.
Good things- 1. The food is amazing. It's almost as good as homemade food. You can always tell the cook how you like your food. Do try the Vegetable Maggi at highecolder mountains. It's available everywhere. 2. Sceneries are amazing and don't forget to carry a proper camera. Phone tech these days is good too and will make photo-frame photos. 3. You will always find people to talk to. If you happen to find polite people, say the hotel cook or a homeguard or other yatris or anyone at all, you will have a good conversation. 4. The pandits are good and will only ask you to pay them if u want to for the Pooja. Always pay them. 5. No phone range. It's good so you live in the moment and can enjoy the amazing sceneries :)
I'm trying to be completely honest without involving any type of hate here and trying to paint a complete picture of what my journey was like. We had to go over budget(almost double) because we didn't know any of this even after research. Our tour agency didn't warn us about anything either. Only thing that matters is that you enter the holy grounds. You can expect amazing sceneries but not an amazing darshan in May. It's been a bittersweet journey and I am writing this while omw to home. I hope y'all find this helpful and plan accordingly only if you are going in May or peak season. Otherwise you might not face much issues in September. Thank you for reading.

I guess I am basically describing the T Echo. But I really like the size of the Hektar wireless paper but concerned about the ESP32.
In my brief research the NRF52 sips the electrons. I plan to use primarily portable so that is important to me.
Any other devices? I am worried about the T Echo limited antenna.
Bonus points for weather sensor.

I've been settled on Elvanse 50mg for a couple of years, it's revolutionised my life and i don't get any side effects anymore. But i've consistently found, for the last 18 months or so, that my executive dysfunction and procrastination on non-work tasks (organising my life, making plans, replying to friend's messages, booking appointments, etc) is greatly improved but only for the first 45 minutes after my meds have kicked in. After that, I can focus on work tasks, etc but my ability to overcome the activation energy of those more menial tasks drops to unmedicated levels again.
I used to use my long commute to work to just get all my stuff done but since I've recently changed jobs to one with an active commute (1 hr+ driving instead of 1.5hr public transport), i'm losing that precious time to driving and really noticing a negative effect in my life (unread/unreplied messages from friends are piling up, appointments take me months to book, etc).
I assume that i'm getting a larger initial dose when the capsule is first broken down and the drug metabolised, and this is then tapering down to a more consistent, lower dose throughout the day. Increasing my dose to 60mg hasn't improved this though and my psych doesn't seem to have many answers.
So, considering i'm not exactly leading the best lifestyle for adhd medication efficacy (take my meds at 5/6am on an empty stomach, exist on 1 cup of coffee and a homemade protein smoothie until late in the afternoon, crash at 2pm, etc) i'm wondering if anyone, anecdotally, has experienced a similar thing and managed to find a way to get this effect to last longer throughout the day through lifestyle changes?
Also while i'm here, anyone been on prozac (fluoxetine) or Duloxetine (Cymbalta) and experienced feeling like it significantly counteracted their adhd meds? I've found research papers that indicate is is known that production of Serotonin inhibits production of Dopamine (definitely overly simplified since i am not a biologist or medical doctor) but my psych seems flummoxed so i'm wondering if this is just a me issue or if anyone else finds SSRIs and SNRIs make them feel dopamine starved?

I wanna hear about everyones food lists- their safe foods, the things they use to make things bearable and/or healthy, the once in a year meals- any and all of it. It is late where I am right now, but I plan to make this a masterlist post to come back to and drop all of mine. It has been helping me a lot to see other peoples arfid recipes, so I hope to help others
Safe Foods/meals
- Baby bells - Goat Cheese (trader joes is best, but there's this brand with Vermont in the name, that's a good alternative) - Mac and Cheese (private selection 5 cheese, cook aldente or to your liking, add full cheese packet/ add half + any slice cheese, my pref is goat cheese and other seasoning. My fave seasonings are: chives, Italian seasoning, worschtersire of all thing) - Dominoes Pizza (small-medium handtossed Wisconsin six cheese, minus orange cheddar blend, sub tomato sauce for garlic parmesan)
Additives for health/bearing it
- Freeze dried and grounded up spinach for added nutrients - protein drinks (I haven't found one I can handle for more than a week though so I'll keep posted if I do)
Recipies
- (instapot or something of the sort re) Homemade yogurt - Get yogurt with active cultures, an amount of gallons of milk that's between one or two but I can't remember atm, keep it in the instapot overnight (i think like 20-26 hours, don't do this recipe yet till I am sure on this stuff) - Protein smoothies (cherry juice, raspberries but not a lot bc seeds, banana, strawberry, sometimes peach, maybe peanut butter if you're feeling spicy, and milk. On protein, you can use protein powder, but I found that using liquid whey is super beneficial).
Anyways, lets talk about foods!!

Is it too much to ask that this makes it onto the channel but that my family doesn't realize it's me?
Probably, but here we go.
Who: Mom, Brother, SIL (sister-in-law), Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Dad, and me
When: between 2020 and 2022
Where: the beach and the mountains
What: a wedding
Why: true love ❤️
Our story goes way back to before the wedding in 2022 but after the engagement of Brother and SIL in 2020. It starts in 2021 on a week long vacation to the beach for Mom's 50th birthday. We were staying in a very picturesque condo with 3 separate bedrooms that had direct beach access and the unit was absolutely beautiful with the most amazing views off the patio. On this vacation were 6 people: Mom, Brother, SIL, Aunt, Cousin, and me. We were roomed in pairs: Brother and SIL, Aunt and Cousin, Mom and me. This vacation had been planned months in advance and Mom was so excited she planned out a week of fun activities including a sunset cruise to see dolphins, mini golfing, restaurants, of course beach time, and more.
It was supposed to be a lovely week that was unfortunately marred very quickly by a nasty fight. We arrived late on a Friday and were scheduled to be out by the following Friday. Sunday night after dinner there was a massive argument between SIL and I. I don't even remember all the details now. It culminated when she called me a brat and I called her a b**** and we stormed off to our separate rooms. From here there are 2 versions of the rest of the night.
Mom's Version: While I had a massive panic attack - because I'm Mentally Sick™ - Mom went to the bedroom where Brother and SIL were. She tried to talk to them and tell SIL that she was been very mean to me. She implored SIL to apologize to me, but SIL was being stubborn and refused to talk to me. Mom eventually left the room and came to help me calm down in our room.
SIL's Version: While I had a massive panic attach - because I'm Mentally Sick™ - Mom went to the bedroom where Brother and SIL were. SIL says that Mom started screaming at her and Brother calling them all sorts of nasty names and other terrible things. She even accused SIL of being an abusive person. Meanwhile, Brother was having an epileptic seizure on the bed due to the stress of it all. SIL started crying and having a panic attack of her own as well. Eventually, Mom left the room and came to help me calm down in our room.
I believe that there is some truth in both. I think Mom thinks she was talking nicely and that SIL was being a hard a** but she was coming across a lot louder and meaner than she thought. I also think that SIL was being a little stubborn but for good reason. If she had come out to talk to me I think the fight would have escalated further and the place would have burst into a ball of flames.
Regardless, SIL and Brother stayed in their room for the next day and a half. They only came out for food and water and didn't speak to anyone else. Aunt and Cousin tried to stay out of it but were very much in the middle and it put a bad stain on their vacation. Things cooled off by Wednesday (Mom's birthday) and we all got along mostly for the rest of the week. I apologized to SIL and she apologized to me and we've been good since then. Sadly, the same is not true for SIL, Brother, and Mom.
Throughout the following months things continued to deteriorate between Brother, SIL, and Mom. I don't know all of the details of what contributed to the downfall of their relationship. I do know that Mom continued to make wild accusations at them and then backtrack and try to apologize. This cycle continued up until the wedding.
There was one big accusation that Mom made during this time that was the nail in the coffin for her. She accused Brother of marrying SIL only because she was pregnant. What's absolutely crazy about this is that Brother proposed a year and half before the wedding. They also had their location and date reserved over a year before the wedding as well. So this wasn't even close to being a possibility, but it reallyyyyyy set off Brother and SIL.
While Mom initially got a Save the Date for the wedding, she did not receive a wedding invitation when they sent out the actual invitations. She was crushed by this news that everyone else in the family got an invitation and she, the mother of the groom, did not. Mom eventually started to tell those in the family who were going - primarily Aunt, Uncle, Dad, and I - that we shouldn't be going in solidarity with her. She said that we were "choosing sides" and "against her" because we still planned on going.
Here's the thing: Dad was officiating the wedding and Uncle was a groomsman. Also, Aunt and Uncle were supplying their homemade wine for the wedding. This left Aunt and I in a tricky spot where we wanted to support Mom while she was going through a rough time, but didn't want to skip the wedding. After all, why should we forfeit our spots when Mom kept doing things to dig herself a hole.
Are you ready for the cherry on top of this putrid mess of a wedding cake? SIL and Brother did end up inviting Mom to the wedding and sent an invitation. But they did so 2 weeks before the wedding with some stipulations. She had to sit in the back during the ceremony, she wasn't allowed to go to the reception, and her 28 year old boyfriend was not allowed to come. I think there were other things as well, but those are the main ones. This sent Mom into a frenzy where she continued to make more accusations at Brother and SIL for having the restrictions and not trusting her to behave. She also continued to accuse Aunt and I for taking sides after their "disgusting behavior."
I tried to talk Brother and SIL into inviting her and at least allowing her to come to the reception. I promised I wouldn't allow anything to happen and if something did I would take Mom out. All this to no avail.
Mom decided not to go the wedding. Her reason: she already had other plans that she didn't want to cancel. She reserved a cabin in the woods for some "me time" with her boyfriend and our half-sister. Yeah, not sure how that's "me time" but that ain't my business I suppose. *insert Kermit drinking tea*
I understand that she wanted to go to the cabin she had already paid for for a weekend away. I understand that this whole incident was traumatizing for her as well since she was being excluded from her only son's wedding. She still made the decision to not go though even with the conditions to her invitation.
At the end of the day though, it was a beautiful wedding. Everything went smoothly and though Aunt and I missed her quite a bit, we were able to have a wonderful time despite her absence.
I still stand by my choice to go to the wedding because it's not like me not going would stop the whole wedding. Nothing would have changed other than I would have missed out on a fun party and one of the most important events of my brother's life. However, I want to know what you guys think. Should I have gone? Should I have done something more to try to support my mom?

Looking to buy an inexpensive setup that is easy to get up and running. I would like a model with a screen, would like the case, and antenna. Looking at AliExpress. Soldering is not my strength if that helps. I am in the US and I know that determines which frequency I need to get. I don't think I need GPS functionality for my first one as I don't plan on tracking with it. Do they all have wifi and Bluetooth?
Basically I do not have a specific need, just want to put a unit up and start my hands on learning. I have been leaning towards a Heltec LoRa 32 v3.x (?)
I am also thinking for the first one to not go the solar route for the first one but I certainly plan on using solar for the next one.
Other functionality/features to consider?

We launched the first manned Mars mission in 2044, seven months in transit and established an orbit with little issue.
We'd been sending machines ahead to help get things ready for us, but this is was the first time humans were going down to the red planet. If all went according to plan we'd be making our own rocket fuel to head back after a few years. The rocket that took us here has been colloquially called the BFR, you can figure out what those letters stand for on your own, I'm sure.
The BFR Mars delivery system worked great, we loaded a significantly more mass than earlier rockets would have been able and still got here in record time. It always amazes me when new systems perform better than expected, and the particle collectors that we had to continuously 'refuel' while we flew really surprised us. We expected around a 70% efficacy, hitting 95% was a nice surprise. We arrived with plenty of fuel to land our reusable rockets down on the surface, and a fair bit to spare. We'd planned the mission expecting to get 50%, knowing they normally operated more like 70% most of the time. Apparently getting far from the Earth's magnetosphere helps them work better. Eggheads back home are busy crunching over the data.
The habs go down first, and we had eight buildings, that's an extra two in case there was an issue with one on landing. We've had a 95% success rate landing buildings on Mars thus far in prep for human arrival. The habs land without issue, mostly. One of them is off target by about fifty meters, but otherwise everything is great. There's already some machines down there we can use to move it. A crane, a few fork lifts and drills and mining rigs and such. We are going to be responsible for developing on our own, more or less. Sure Earth's gonna send supplies, but the idea is that we're gonna become self sufficient here very quickly.
Descent was more terrifying than launching. The rocket is fully automated, so it isn't like the pilot can do anything to help us if it all goes wrong on the way down. Fortunately, nothing went wrong on the way down. So we landed. All intact and well, I didn't even have to use the in-suit diaper.
Spock Armstrong made the historic transmission back to Earth as he set foot on the Red planet for the first time. "One small step for man, One Gargantuan Leap for Mankind."
The PR men back on earth decided on this line years ago, before the first rocket was even in space, or the crew chosen.
Almost immediately after the broadcast went out, we received one back. It is a woman's voice, small and quiet, "Hello up there. Please don't be alarmed, and also please don't tell Earth we're here." Then there was a beep, the kind that made us all wonder if this was an automated message.
Our suspicions were confirmed when a few moments later it repeated, but in Russian this time. All of us aboard the rocket still looked back and forth at one another.
"Not a funny prank guys." Spock had turned around to look up us on the ramp, but a moment later he too realized it was no prank.
We cut the transmissions back to earth for a moment and talked locally on our radios that don't have nearly enough power to be heard back on earth.
"Okay, so what the hell was that?" Spock said first, he was the man in charge of the mission after all, and so the logical choice to speak first.
Travis Archer, the second in command had hopped into action, he pulled a scanner from the cargo. After the message had repeated again, this time in mandarin he said, "Its coming from underground. Actually, right where the off-target hab was meant to land."
Spock groaned with frustration. "Lets unload like this isn't happening for now. We're on a tight schedule these first few days, and there is a great deal to do before nightfall. As we're able lets use what breaks we have to figure this out, get the transmissions to earth started back up, and for now, lets not tell Earth just yet. Geordi O'Brien, can you rig up a journal to send back to Earth on a twenty four hour dead man's switch. We'll collate everything we learn about this... Anomaly, and only send if we have to or decide to do so. For now though, we'll maintain this secret. Someone else is here on Mars with us."
Geordi O'Brien, that's me. Named after two of the finest fictitious engineers Starfleet ever had. I set up the dead man's switch to send everything we stored in a particular folder on the rocket's computer, and we set to work on what we were here to do. Spock was right, it was a long day and we barely got finished with our work before sunset. Huh, Sunset on another world. Spock pushed us hard all day to get us to where we could enjoy the view at sunset. I was annoyed with him during the day, but now I think it was worth it in the end.
After the sunset we all headed into the habs to get out of our suits and finally take a shower in real gravity. Low, but real. We hooked tubes up between all the habs, we found an antenna stuck up from deep underground right were the one hab was supposed to land. We put our hab in a secondary position, and tubed it up too, leaving some space for us to explore and drill down where the antenna popped up.
The next few days proceeded as the international scientific community back on earth had planned. The transmissions from below kept up in thirty minute intervals. And cycled through quite a few languages. We tried calling back to them on the same frequencies, but no one responded.
Eventually we stopped being so incredibly stressed out and working 85% of our waking hours, however that only gave us more time to ruminate on the transmission from underground. On day four we started digging down following the antenna.
Our ground penetrating radar says there's a whole... complex down there. There's only twenty seven of us here on mars, and we have a good bit of space really, but the complex down there is huge. Big enough for several hundred.
We continued to dig down, on day nine Spock and I think at our current rate we'll be down to what we hope is a hatch in a few days. We've been keeping up with the mission back from Earth, and for now, they still don't know. Many discussions have been had about if and when and how we admit to Earth what we found. We decide getting a fuller picture is a better idea. No need to cause a panic on Earth before we have some answers.
Our crops in the greenhouses are doing well in the martian soil. The gene modded bee queens are growing their hives, and the first fuel producers on the surface have started to turn out some fuel for our eventual return voyage.
Day twelve and we had dug down enough with the machines to need to go in by hand with shovels and picks.
It was a hatch. Took a little doing, but we got it popped open and dropped down inside, in our suits. What we found inside was at the same time amazing and horrible. There were hundreds of dead bodies. There were adults and terribly, children as well. Human bodies.
Their life support systems seemed to have encountered some kind of catastrophic failure, and they all suffocated down here. There's no signs of struggle, so our hope is that at least it was peaceful.
Their computer systems are not quite like anything we have on our rockets, and after a fair bit of help from the Russian speaking engineer on my team, we managed to access their systems.
I'll summarize what we found.
They came from Earth, and they left in the 1990's. Only not from our Earth. They arrived in our universe in the 1950s our time after encountering some sort of spatial anomaly on their way to the red planet in their own universe. They never figured out how they jumped universes, but their mission was much more well equipped than ours for making a full on mars base.
Their history was vastly different from ours, things started diverging around the end of World War 1. They had that, just about the same as ours, but then, boy howdy does WW2 go different for them. They didn't have a Hitler, but they did have an aggrieved populace after WW1. Their WW2 was better than ours and worse than ours at the same time. While they didn't have a holocaust the same way as us, they did have quite a few casualties just as many people died, it was just a little less... motivated by intense bigotry. Their WW2 ended with nuclear weapons, in 1947. Berlin and Tokyo were nuked on the same day. After that, their world actually ended all wars. They had no real wars after that. No cold wars, no hot wars, only lawfare and scientific contests. War finally seemed to them, unimaginably horrible. Their United Nations was incredibly powerful, like the federal government of the United states in relation to it's states, only over the whole world.
Their captain, a Russian named Yuri, decided that the appropriate thing to do was to still land on mars and to try to continue the project, and just... not contact Earth. Their tech is more advanced than ours in some ways, and miles behind in others. For example our radiation shielding tech is much better, which explains why they dug underground, while we plan to live on the surface.
Their base down here is wealth of scientific knowledge, and alternate history. It is a great tragedy that they hadn't survived another seven years. Their catastrophic environmental control system failure only happened seven years ago. They had grown not just crops, but families, and children. We learned that their culture, as new as it was, had taken to using aquamations to recycle the dead into plants, and my god, their plants in their automated greenhouses are robust. We buried them in the way that their logs indicated they would wish to be buried. And after all that was done and finished. Spock said I could send off this... personal log I'd initially been preparing for my memoir. And all the data.
May whatever god brought them here to our universe rest their eternal souls.
We thank them for their great sacrifices, may we never forget the true Original Martians.

Tl;Dr - is D&D or Pathfinder better for a person who knows the basics of D&D to DM/GM for two players who are completely new?
So I'm planning on introducing my mom and sister to TTRPG's as they've expressed interest after I started a d&d campaign (Icewind Dale) with friends late last year around September as a player, and I was wondering if D&D or Pathfinder would be better? To elaborate, I admittedly only really know the raw basics in terms of rules for D&D. For instance my friend group hasn't really used the specific movement and attack distance systems, (for example, we walked into a room with some draugr in it, and all we did was roll initiative and then start rolling to attack without considering distance and our positions and all that) so I'm not too familiar with the system, along with other specific ways and rules of doing things I'm sure most of us in my group either don't know about or have chosen to omit. I also own zero books for either game, so price and ease of access would be big considerations for me. Though I'm pretty sure both games have free access to the rules and some other materials online. What are some of the major differences between the two games? Which one is better for making homemade campaigns and being a first-time DM/GM? Which one is better for a party size of 2-3 people? Those of you who've played a decent amount of both, which do you prefer and why? If you have any questions about my experience or preferences that would help you help me, I'd be happy to answer them.
Edit: I'd like to elaborate on the movement and positioning situation that I mentioned in the post. While it is a system I haven't delved into too much, I'm willing and wanting to learn it. If I'm being entirely honest, I'm not quite sure why my original group didn't use the system much, but if I'm to DM a campaign I'd want to be using every aspect of the games rules. I'd also like to add that I got into D&D primarily because of Baldurs Gate 3, among other reasons.

Hi, I am planning to do a masters in electronics engineering next year, and I would very much like to have an advisor that focuses mostly on analytical antenna theory. I know that it sounds more like a desire to do something more related to applied physics, and that is true, but I also know that in general, applied physics research groups focus more on optics, lasers, and other hot topics when they work in electromagnetism than in the topic of the theory of antennas, which is more outdated. Nevertheless, I also know that EE research groups are the ones still working on this topic.
So I don't know if some people here know about authors like Douglas H. Werner (who has done a lot of research in analytical antenna theory for more basic structures), but in Europe? since I cannot afford to do a master's in the US, where Professor Werner is. I know this is a difficult question since there is only a small group of people working on this specific topic, but I'll appreciate very much any help you can give me with the information I'm requesting!
Right now, I only know about a Spanish prof. named Mario F. Pantoja, but he is the only one I have found until now who has worked on analytical descriptions for antenna theory.

Hi all! Looking for a build list for my first build. Looking to play rocket league and stream at 240fps to Twitch. Might do some light AI work / video editing, but thats not the primary use case. Streaming + gaming is the priority. Would love to hear your ideas for something that works for this under 1k!
**What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.**
I will be playing Rocket League and streaming to Twitch.
**What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?**
I'd like to keep it under 1k USD or just slightly over.
**When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.**
Any time in the next few months. ASAP if a good deal available.
**What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc\)**
Just the tower and wifi antennae. I have everything else (monitor, kb, mouse, etc.)
**Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?**
Richmond, Virginia. Yes - can go to Microcenter in Fairfax, VA (washington dc).
**If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.**
none
**Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?**
no idea - interested in it but don't know about this
**Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)**
need wifi, bluetooth, and would like to use SSD. at least 500gb but need to be able to upgrade to 1TB+ in the future.
**Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?**
dont care what it looks like. bonus points if it does look cool though. white/black colors preferred
**Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?**
Nah I can get this cheap thru work
**Extra info or particulars:**
Just looking for something that can handle gaming / streaming and maybe some video editing. I'll run AI models on it too but that is not the main use case - priority is gaming / streaming.
For context, I used to use this pc: https://www.newegg.com/abs-ali570/p/N82E16883360205 and it did NOT handle the streaming at a decent fps on Rocket League... I dropped a lot of frames and think I was limited to 140 or so. I have a 240hz monitor so I'd like to get 240hz on rocket league while streaming if at all possible.
Thank you all for your thoughts!!
EDIT: I found this deal at microcenter: https://www.microcenter.com/product/677740/hp-victus-15l-tg02-2051-gaming-pc that I'm considering, but I'm not sure about the upgradeability and actual net performance difference in this vs. building w/ a 7700x and rx6800 as recommended below. Anyone have insight into this? At userbenchmark.com it looks like the intel PC beats the other one out by quite a bit at gaming / workstation tasks - wondering if it's the better option?

The daily diet has an impact on health and well-being. It is important that the diet is properly balanced and rich in vitamins and trace elements. When we are susceptible to all kinds of infections and colds. Most often, this is a signal that our immune system is weakened. Find out which vitamin salad will help strengthen the immune system.
(1) - "Fruits, vegetables, and legumes vary widely in nutrient content so should not be expected to have similar physiological effects. Although dietary guidance is supportive of a more vegetarian eating pattern, including increased servings of fruits and vegetables, the scientific support for these recommendations is mixed in an evidence-based review. Prospective cohort studies find weak support for the protectiveness of fruits and vegetables against chronic diseases, yet the intake of fruits and vegetables in U.S. cohorts is low. Additionally, few randomized controlled trials have been published on the addition of fruits and vegetables to the diet and changes in biomarkers or health status. Nutrients in fruits and vegetables, such as dietary fiber, vitamins, minerals, and phytochemicals, including polyphenols, all provide support for the biological plausibility that fruits and vegetables play a role in health."
1. Salad of fermented cabbage, beetroot, apples and cranberries
This recipe allows the use of both red and white cabbage. Both varieties serve as excellent sources of vitamin K, vitamin C, vitamin B6, and many other trace elements. Vitamin K plays a very important role in the functioning of the body, as it supports blood circulation. In addition, together with other nutrients, including calcium and vitamin D, it helps to form strong and healthy bones.
Beetroot doesn't just give sauerkraut a bright color. It is a very healthy product in itself. Beetroot is known for its positive effect on the work of the entire digestive system, it helps to cleanse the intestines of slagging and toxins. The recipe uses pumpkin seeds. Of course, you can experiment with other products.
Ingredients:
Designed for 4 servings Cabbage (white or red cabbage), finely chopped 1 medium head Beets, peeled and grated 1 piece Red onion, finely chopped 1 pc Sea salt 1 teaspoon Ginger, grated 1 teaspoon Fresh parsley, finely chopped 3 tablespoons Apple, cut into thin slices 1 pc Fresh cranberries, cut into 1/2 cup halves 1 tablespoon of raisins Pumpkin seeds 2 tablespoons Olive oil 2 tablespoons
Instruction: Put beets, cabbage, onion, ginger, and salt in a large cup and mash the mixture well with a spoon so that the cabbage becomes softer and lets the juice flow.
Transfer the mixture together with the juice into a sterile glass container with a lid. Attach vegetables so that there are no air bubbles left in them and they are completely covered with juice.
Close the container with a lid and leave it at room temperature for about 3 days, until the appearance of a characteristic smell and taste of sourness. Put it in the refrigerator for two days, then use it to make a salad. To make a salad, put the pickled vegetables in a large cup. Add the remaining ingredients and mix. The salad is cooked.
2. Vitamin salad
The salad contains a lot of vitamins, minerals, enzymes, and other useful substances. It also has an ideal ratio of healthy fats and carbohydrates. If you double the portion, you can store it in the refrigerator and use it for snacks or lunch the next day.
Ingredients:
Designed for 2 servings Young salad greens, chopped 3 tablespoons Spinach leaves, chopped 2 tablespoons Cherry tomatoes, cut into halves 1 cup Green young peas 3 tablespoons Grated carrot strips 3 tablespoons Red bell pepper, finely chopped 2 tablespoons Sliced thin half rings of red onion 1 tablespoon Avocado 1/2 piece Peeled almonds 2 tablespoons Sunflower seeds 1 tablespoon Pumpkin seeds 1 tablespoon
For refueling:
Flaxseed oil 1 tablespoon Apple cider vinegar 1 tablespoon Sea salt 1 teaspoon
Instruction:
Cooking time 15 minutes
Combine all the ingredients for the salad, sprinkle with oil and vinegar, and season with sea salt. Stir and serve. The fastest way is to chop carrots and other vegetables using a food processor.
3. Winter citrus salad
This citrus salad is a real source of flavors and colors, and also a great way to enjoy winter citrus. It is very easy to prepare, the whole process takes no more than 15 minutes.
Salad is ideal for the role of lunch, juicy side dish, appetizer, or light dinner. It is elegant enough to serve on a festive table and is simple for everyday meals.
Juicy oranges of various varieties, crispy cucumbers, soft avocados, light sweet onions, and herbs are laid out on fresh lettuce leaves. All this is sprinkled with pomegranate seeds, walnuts, and peas, sprouted and dehydrated with honey and spices.
The salad is complemented with a smooth honey-citrus dressing. It is made in addition to citrus juice from apple cider vinegar, honey, homemade mustard, and crushed garlic. This mixture is seasoned with salt and pepper. Then olive oil is poured into it in a thin stream.
It can be served chilled or at room temperature. Citrus lovers will surely like it, and those who are not too fond of these fruits will allow them to see them in a completely new "taste" light. If you need a bright, impressive salad, it is advisable to use a rainbow of colors from several varieties of citrus. If a simple serving is enough, a couple of citrus fruits of different shades will suffice.
Ingredients:
Designed for 2 servings
Any salad leaves 1 bunch Red-orange, peeled and sliced into thin slices 1 pc Orange, peeled and sliced into thin slices 1 pc Tangerine, peeled and sliced 1 piece Avocado, sliced 1 piece Sweet (white) onion, sliced into thin rings 1 pc Cucumber, cut into thin slices 1/2 pc Fresh mint or parsley, chopped 2 tablespoons Pomegranate seeds 1/2 cup Walnuts, chopped 3 tablespoons Sprouted and dehydrated peas with honey and spices 1/2 cup
For refueling: Orange juice 2 tablespoons Lime juice 1 tablespoon Apple cider vinegar 1 tablespoon Honey 1 tablespoon Homemade mustard 1 teaspoon Garlic, crushed or passed through a press 1 clove Sea salt and ground black pepper, to taste Olive oil 3 tablespoons
Instruction:
Cooking time 15 minutes
To make the dressing, whisk orange juice, lime juice, vinegar, honey, mustard, and garlic in a small cup. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Continuing to beat, pour in a thin trickle of oil. Try and adjust the amount of salt, pepper, and sweetener. The filling is well stored in a closed container in the refrigerator for a week.
To assemble the salad, spread the salad leaves on a serving plate. Put oranges, avocados, cucumbers, and fresh herbs on the leaves. Sprinkle with pomegranate seeds, walnuts, and, if desired, dehydrated peas. Sprinkle the salad dressing and serve.
To make citrus fruits less bitter, free them from white membranes. To do this, putting them on the work surface, first cut off the top and bottom of them with a sharp knife so that the pulp is visible on the cut. Turn the fruit over, placing it on one of the slices, and cut off the entire peel along with the white membrane from top to bottom, following its round shape.
Taking one fruit, make an incision to its middle from the edge of one of the lobules along the inside of any of the membranes. After that, cut off the slice from the second side, from the opposite membrane, so that the slice remains on the knife. In the same way, cut off the remaining slices from the membranes. Repeat the process for all fruits.
If you need to save time, you can use ordinary sprouted and washed peas, omitting the dehydration stage with spices and honey. If there is no desire to add peas, you can simply omit them.

4. Kiwi salad cucumber, nuts, and greens
To maintain immunity, the best thing is to seek help from the power of fruits and vegetables. Kiwis contain twice as much vitamin C as oranges and provide the body with much more energy. Here is a recipe for a salad of these amazing fruits with the addition of no fewer healthy greens and other nutritious ingredients.
Ingredients:
Designed for 2 servings Young salad greens 2 cups Small cucumber 1 piece Kiwi 2 pcs Walnuts 3 tablespoons Mint 1 teaspoon Chopped small pieces of young peas 1/4 cup For refueling: Olive oil 3 tablespoons Freshly squeezed lime juice 1 teaspoon Sea salt and ground black pepper, to taste
Instruction:
Cooking time 10 minutes
Thoroughly rinse and dry the salad greens. Cut the cucumber into thin slices. Peel and slice the kiwi. Combine all the ingredients in a cup, adding chopped pea pods, nuts, and mint leaves. Combine in a small cup and mix thoroughly all the ingredients for the dressing. Pour the salad with the resulting dressing and serve, if desired, pre-cooling it in the refrigerator.
5. Cucumber, celery, and fennel salad
This green salad of cucumbers, celery, and fennel has a surprisingly clean, fresh taste. Cut the vegetables into the thinnest slices, giving the dish the consistency of cabbage salad and an elegant, appetizing look. In addition, in this form, vegetables turn out softer and are better covered with fresh herbs. Slices of cucumbers, celery, and fennel go very well with olive oil and almonds.
All components of the salad can be prepared in advance and simply combined at the right moment. Thanks to this, it is convenient to use it as an addition to the brunch, lunch, or picnic menu.
Ingredients:
Designed for 3 servings
For salad: Small cucumbers, cut in half into 2 pieces Celery 5 stalks Fennel root 1/2 piece Chopped fresh parsley, without stalks 3 tablespoons Fresh dill, without stems (chopped) 2 tablespoons Mint leaves 1 tablespoon Olive oil 2 tablespoons Zest one small lime Freshly squeezed lime juice 1 teaspoon Fine sea salt to taste Freshly ground black pepper to taste
For the almond dressing: Almonds (soaked for at least 8 hours) 4 tablespoons Olive oil 1 tablespoon Filtered water 1/4 cup Lemon juice 1 tablespoon
Instruction:
Cooking time 15 minutes
Soak the almonds for at least eight hours, drain the water from them and peel them. Place all the ingredients for dressing in a small blender or food processor and grind until smooth. Cover and put in the refrigerator. To make a salad, chop cucumbers, celery, and fennel into thin slices on a shredder or with a very sharp knife.
Combine chopped cucumbers, celery, and fennel with chopped parsley, dill, mint, olive oil, zest, and lime juice in a large cup. Season with salt and black pepper and mix. Distribute the almond dressing on a plate, put the salad on it, and sprinkle with chopped almonds and a pinch of salt if desired. Bon Appetit!
(1)- US National Library of Medicine; Health Benefits of Fruits and Vegetables; Joanne L. Slavin and Beate Lloyd.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3649719/
Elena runs a private practice as a nutrition coach in the USA and many countries around the world. https://elenasunshinemagazine.com/services/
I suggest:
Evaluate current meal plans and give general recommendations.
Individual consultations.
Making individual meal plans.
Recommend gradual dietary changes and consistent dietary practice.
Discuss the importance of balanced macronutrient intake.
To offer recommendations on eating behavior.
Promote the calorie recommendations set out by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, MyPlate, the Eatwell Guide in the United Kingdom, or other acceptable organizations.

https://elenasunshinemagazine.com/cooking/5-healthy-salads-to-support-immunity/

Since nobody was able to stop me I candied some ghost peppers that I plan on folding into some homemade ice cream. However a byproduct of candying the peppers was ghost pepper infused simple syrup.
Any ideas of what I can do with this?

FYI This will be a very mundane money diary. I am a homebody and pretty low key. I’m not trying to change my spending habits too much but I do try to be mindful of what I spend.
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance: $202,167 (181,807 in 401k, 1,587 in Roth, 18,773 in brokerage). I started investing in my 401k as soon as I started at my company in 2012 - I had no idea what I was doing and only put in 3% since I was only making 38k, every year or so as I have made more money I have upped my contribution, currently at 13%.
Equity if you're a homeowner: I currently have about $125k in equity in a condo, I bought in June 2020 so low rates and prices were still low. I put 35k down, and saved for it by living with each of my parents after college while I paid off my student loans.
Savings account balance: $13,294.78
Checking account balance: $8,384.80
Credit card debt: $0 - I pay in full every month.
Student loan debt: $0 paid it off in about 3 years, I got my BA in Communications, and the company I work for paid for the majority of my MBA and I paid out of pocket for the rest.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression: I've been working at my company since 2012 and have held a bunch of different roles. I started at $38,000 and worked my way up to $114,900. I have mostly worked in operations, a little in tech, and most recently took on a role in product at the end of 2023.
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $4713
Deductions (Monthly Totals):
Retirement: Total: $1149 broken down: 401k: $619; Roth 401k: $530 (both of these are company sponsored and I get a 5% match for the traditional 401k)
Social Security: $516
Federal Taxes: $1218
State Taxes: $582
PTO Purchase: $191 (I buy extra time off and can use it at the end of the year or cash it out, it’s basically a christmas fund since I usually cash it out and it pays out right before the holidays)
Health Insurance: $238
Dental: $13
FSA: $50 This is my first year utilizing an FSA and I did it to buy and Oura ring, I’ll probably cancel it for next year
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: $70 (lol) at the end of 2023 I started a life coaching business after working on my certification in the summer. It’s been a slow start but it’s more about doing something fulfilling than it is about making money (for now).
Any Other Monthly Income Here: N/A
Section Three: Expenses
Rent / Mortgage / HOA fees: Mortgage: $1265, this will likely go up this year since they re-evaluated properties last year. HOA is $375/month
Renters / home insurance: it’s in escrow so I have no idea - I get an email once a year and file it away, if it seems high I reach out to my agent
Savings contribution: $100
Investment contribution: $50 into IRA, I’ll be reevaluating soon and adding a monthly sum to my brokerage as well
Debt payments: N/A
Electric: $60-200 depending on the season, last month was $64, August last year was $174
Propane: $100-500 Nov-Apr (used for heat, stove, and water, the April fill lasts until late fall)
Wifi/Cable/Landline: Internet is $51
Cellphone: $45
Subscriptions: Netflix $17, Hulu/Disney/Max $45, Apple $3, Oura Ring $7
Gym membership: I have a home gym for weightlifting and pay $80 for a year of programming, and pay $47/month for my peloton membership
Pet expenses: $181 every 5 weeks for dog daycare, $36 for food (Costco!), and probably $50 for misc things
Car payment / insurance: $387 for my car - recently refinanced and saved $60/month. I’ll still make the $450 payment to pay it off sooner. Insurance is $496 for the next 6 months
Regular therapy: $80/month for 2 appts covered by insurance, this is my copay, and $90/month for maintenance physical therapy
Paid hobbies: does Kindle Unlimited count? I paid for 2 years up front so it’s like $8/month, other hobbies are hiking and traveling, so those are more ad hoc expenses
Day One Monday
7:15am I finally wake up, I tried to wake up earlier but my body and brain just weren’t ready. I get up, get dressed in leggings, tank top, and a sweatshirt, and head down stairs to take my pup R for a walk.
8:00am I make my coffee, toast a bagel, and cut up some strawberries. Then I log onto my work laptop. Not a ton of emails from the weekend which is a plus, and the morning is light on meetings which is AMAZING. I was on vacation 2 weeks ago and I still feel behind so I want to take advantage of the “free time” and get some work tasks done. I do have one meeting at 11:30am but I should be more of an observer.
12:00pm I have therapy during lunch. It’s done online, and I love my therapist. We started working together to help with some food issues I had but now we focus a lot of my childhood trauma and my relationship with my mom.
1:00pm Back to work, but first I heat up some leftover pizza and make ⅓ of a salad bag kit thing for food. I have until 2pm before I have to be in a meeting so I get a little more work done.
4:30pm Meetings wrapped up at 4pm but I linger online for another 30 mins to tie everything up. I head out to take R for her evening walk, then pop into my basement gym for a work out.
6:30pm I am showered, make dinner (asian style meatballs, rice, and snap peas with some teriyaki sauce) and I am ready to sink into my couch. I realized that I can’t renew one of my library books and it’s due Wednesday so my big plan is to read. A lot.
9:30pm I need to go to bed. I pack my food for the office for tomorrow, brush my teeth, take my meds, and let R out one last time and head up to bed. I listen to Ologies (an awesome podcast) to wind down and go to bed a little after 10pm.
Daily total: $0
Day Two Tuesday
5:25am My alarm went off at 5am but I just could not do that. So I snooze until 5:25 and get up, put on leggings and a sports bra, let me pup out, eat a few bites of banana and then head up to do a 20 min peloton ride (Leanne Pop Ride). I finish right around 6am and then get ready for work.
7:00am Out the door! The pup, who is 3 btw so not actually a puppy, goes to doggy daycare today so my commute will take closer to an hour. I get work a few minutes after 8am, toast my bagel and begin going through emails.
12:30pm I am starving. I had to be in person at a company town hall from 11am-12pm and when I got back to my floor the kitchen was super busy so I couldn’t heat up food. I finally do and it’s an ok Factor meal - I’m trying them out to help make work days easier. I also snack on cheetos and some almonds. I should not go 4 hours without eating.
4:30pm After an afternoon full of meetings, including a lovely 1:1 with an old manager, I am off to pick up R from doggy daycare (I buy her daycare days in a package so this is prepaid), but first I pay for parking. $12
5:30pm I take myself for a quick walk while listening to IWT. I’m totally addicted to hearing about other people’s finances. I find money psychology fascinating and have been working on mine a lot for the last couple of years.
6:00pm I put on comfy clothes, wash my face, and heat up leftovers from last night for dinner then settle in for another night of marathon reading. I got through 181 pages yesterday and I make it to 375 (PS. book is The Women by Kristin Hannah - it’s really good but also heartbreaking).
9:30pm It’s bed time again. I brush my teeth, let R out, and head upstairs for bed. I continue listening to Ologies (the episode on bears!) and lights out at 10ish.
Daily total: $12
Day Three Wednesday
6:00am I force myself to wake up for another office day and I am exhausted. I manage to get up, let R out (we usually walk before I leave but it’s raining), and get ready - the office is “dress for your day” so I wear jeans and a black long sleeve shirt with my Rothys. I leave my hair in its wild natural state, throw on some SuperGoop glow screen, a little blush, and lash princess mascara. I leave a few minutes after 7am and get to work at 7:30.
8:00am I have an impromptu working session with my boss, which is really helpful as I prep for a big product launch. I eat the yogurt I planned to eat yesterday as a snack for breakfast with the coffee I made at home. The rest of the morning is filled with meetings.
10:30am I take a quick break and do some online shopping. I gained some weight during covid and I have been slowly building up my new bigger wardrobe so I place an order with old navy for 3 work tank tops, a jean jacket, a pair of cargo joggers, and a work out tank top for $94 - I apparently have enough points for $10 off.
12:00pm After a busy morning, I leave the office to work from home for the afternoon. I pay for parking ($12). I have a quick lunch using a Caesar salad kit and some chicken, and then dive back into meetings.
4:15pm I wrap up work and walk R. By 5pm I sit on the couch, determined to finish this book - because it’s due today, so I have to return it before the library closes at 8pm… I also get a notification that another book is ready to be picked up, so I grab that.
7:00pm BOOK IS DONE! The library is close by so I quickly drop it off, come home, eat and then waste away in front of the TV until 9:30ish when I do my usual night time routine.
Daily total: $106
Day Four Thursday
6:00am My alarm goes off and I am cranky but force myself up. I am not a morning person but I want to get in a peloton ride and this is my only time today. I throw on leggings and a tshirt and walk R. I am on the peloton by 6:45am and do a 30 min Disney Ride with Leanne - I’m apparently on a Leanne kick.
7:30am Quick shower and get dressed in athleisure for the day. I log onto my laptop right around 8am.
12:30pm I have survived another morning of meetings and finally have a break for lunch. I make a quick salad and add some chicken and enjoy this 30 minutes of not being in a meeting.
4:00pm Done with work for the day, I snuck in a walk with R at 2pm. Now we’re off to a former coworker's house for an Italian feast. A group of us get together monthly for happy hours, but P offered to show us her amazing culinary skills so I grab a bottle of red wine from my collection and hit the road.
8:45pm Home after an amazing dinner that included homemade pasta, eggplant and chicken parm, meatballs, and red wine. I don’t drink often so I have a feeling tomorrow will be rough - not necessarily hungover but a little extra tired. I go up to bed at 10pm and fall asleep around 10:30pm.
Daily total: $0
Day Five Friday
7:15am I let myself sleep in a little for a work day. I get up and take R for a walk. I begin work right around 8am. I have meetings all morning (you’ve probably noticed a trend here, I work with a lot of people that are in India and our time only overlaps before 11am) but I block my Friday afternoons to get work done and I am very much looking forward to not having meetings.
12pm I use lunchtime to bring R to the groomers. R is a standard poodle so she goes every 6 weeks and she’s looking a little scruffy. I also stop at Costco for gas ($53.78). I had to schedule a meeting at 1:30pm 🙁 so I make sure I am back with plenty of time to eat lunch before the meeting.
3:30pm I wrap up work early since I have to work Sunday morning. I fit in a quick work out before I go to get R from the groomers and pay for it ($112.10 with tip for a full groom and teeth brushing).
5:30pm Home and time for a Peloton ride. I do 30 minutes, then shower, eat, and take care of R.
8:00pm I finally get to start season 3 of Bridgerton. I only watch 1 episode because I am exhausted. After that I put on an episode of Brooklyn 99 and by 9:45pm I am heading up bed (wild Friday night, I know).
Daily total: $165.88
Day Six Saturday
8:00am I woke up earlier with a killer sinus headache, thanks pollen, but was able to sleep longer and I feel a little better. I get up and let R out, take some ibuprofen with my lexapro, make my coffee and a bagel and head to the couch to relax for a little bit.
11:15am I have a 4th birthday party and a going away party today so I leave to drop my pup off my dad while I’m at the 4th birthday, because his house is on the way and our dogs are besties and love to be together. I stop and grab a card, they asked for no gifts so I honor that ($4.59). I get to the party around 12:30pm (it’s about 30 minutes from my dad’s, but we chatted for a few minutes before I left for the party).
4:00pm People are starting to leave so I decide to head out. Iit was great to see the little ones and some of my family members. I go back to my dad’s to hang out until we leave for the other party, I read while my dog snuggles on my legs and my dad watches TV.
6:00pm we head to the party but stop at a grocery store quickly to grab something to bring. We decide on a cannoli chips and dip platter, and my dad pays.
8:45pm We leave a little early because I have to work in the morning. I had a good time catching up with some people. I get R from my dad’s and end up home at 10pm. I watch a couple episodes of Brooklyn 99 while scrolling instagram, and head to bed at 11pm.
Daily total: $4.59
Day Seven Sunday
7:00am Up and ready for the release. Most of my time working will just be sitting and waiting at my desk for the demo to start so I can sign off on the changes we released to our apps. I was hoping this would be super quick, but there was a problem with another app that is holding up our testing. I do some French lessons on Duolingo to pass some time.
10:15am Finally done with work! I decide to watch an episode of Bridgerton before I do anything else. Season 3 feels different to me, I can’t quite explain it but it just feels off compared to the past 2 seasons.
12:00pm I take R for a long walk, and we run into neighbors along the way and chat a bit. Once I’m home, I have lunch, a smoothie bowl with some special K, and head into the basement to do a work out.
2:30pm I placed a pick up order for groceries and I have to go get them. This is my second week doing it and so far I think it’s saving me time and money. Even with the little bit they charge, I’m not grabbing random snacks that I see as I go. Groceries come out to $47.96.
3:00pm Home, I shower, change the sheets on my bed and decide to rest for the afternoon. I finish a book (The Happy Ever After Playlist by Abby Jiminez), finish the first half of Bridgerton, and return the book to library. I also take R for a walk in a field so she can get some zoomies out.
9:45pm Up to bed. I take a melatonin since I’m not super sleepy and I am out by 10:15pm.
Daily total: $47.96
End totals:
Food + Drink: $47.96
Fun / Entertainment: $0
Home + Health: $0
Clothes + Beauty: $94
Transport: $77.78
Other: $112.10
Lastly, reflect on your diary!
I feel pretty good about this week. Even though it was $331 and change, it was relatively low spend. I didn’t spend much on entertainment but I did go out a few times and had fun. I was able to keep groceries low this week by using things in my freezer and pantry, and doing the order pick up - this saves me a ton of money.
I’m hoping I can continue my lower spend momentum, I love seeing no spend days - and I include days that I pay for parking because I don’t really have a choice and that’s the cheapest full day rate downtown.
I almost spent $500 on a down payment for a trip to Yellowstone - traveling is one of my hobbies. But doing this diary and really thinking about next year made me pause. I’m still considering it but I want to price out if I can do it on my own at a better price.
I do want to not spend much on clothes but rebuilding a casual and professional wardrobe is taking time. I also need to get rid of more clothes that don’t fit me. It’s just such a pain to do it and then I have to decide what to do with them. I used to send them to thredup but now they charge you and it’s just a pain.
I’ll end there - I’m looking forward to your comments.