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How to: Videos for DIY, learning, cooking, crafts, videos, or entertainment
2018.07.23 11:04 mattrunner32 How to: Videos for DIY, learning, cooking, crafts, videos, or entertainment
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2012.06.04 00:35 kbiering cookingvideos: a video subreddit on how to cook
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2012.02.28 11:59 CriticallyChallenged A guide to gaming in India
/IndianGaming — For discussions related to the Indian gaming scenario, from video games in general, how we procure them to how we play them. Pretty much anything in and around videogames and its intersection with India or Indian-ness.
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2024.05.14 21:19 Jazzlike_Elk_6535 I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
NSFW Warning
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have) it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike.
My mother is narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me).
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.
submitted by Jazzlike_Elk_6535 to confessions [link] [comments]
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have) it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike.
My mother is narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me).
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.
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2024.05.14 20:54 Just-Attitude-6509 Asking my husband to shave for a job interview
Background: my husband was let go from his job about a week and a half ago. He has had a few interviews, all which have declined giving him a position. He has a few more coming up, but his facial appearance is not professional looking, such as his beard and hair entirely overgrown & not even in certain areas, almost looking like a slob. I’ve asked him to shave so many times, not so he’s bare, but just to trim it up and look presentable for his upcoming interviews. He said he wants to grow his beard out and doesn’t care about company standards. Am I being too harsh by constantly asking him to look nice? We are struggling financially and I personally think he doesn’t care about even finding a job, as I’ve found multiple job ads for him which he’s applied. I just don’t know how to further approach the situation, as his next video interview is coming up, and their requirements are either no facial hair or a nice trimmed look. Thanks in advance.
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2024.05.13 21:36 Le_Epic_Cbater 730 upvotes and I'll publicly execute Trey Parker
On September 1st this year, I will light my testicles on fire for Cbatic Awareness #FREETHECBATERSOFREDDIT. I've observed a concerning situation in Reddit, and I want to express my support for the cause of spamming FREE THE CBATERS OF REDDIT on posts about the Cbat Reddit story because if there’s one thing I know, Tyler Life would fucking obliterate the SPS in combat. Oh? You think my spam FREE THE CBATERS OF REDDIT comments on a YouTube video about musical sex for 2 years is “ctarded” and that I’m a “low IQ cbater” and I should “shut the fuck up” because “nobody cares?” It’s sad that you support South Park, a show that supports JESUS DOING COKE, ANTI-CBATERS AND PARENTS. You know how many cbaters the SPS has personally raped? Did you know that 1 in 5 cbaters have a knife IN THEIR HEAD? And you sit there in your ivory tower, not spamming FREE THE CBATERS OF REDDIT FROM SOUTH PARK on Samuel L. Jackson’s leaked Tajikstanian speedo pics because YOU DONT CARE ABOUT CBATIC CHILDREN BEING ATTACKED BY LITERAL FUCKING SOUTH PARK FANS?! You support CbaterCide in Reddit. 6 Cbillion South Park fans were let loose with no supervision, and you’re just going to stand there and say nothing? FREE THE CBATERS OF REDDIT. Every single day I write in bold: FREE THE CBATERS OF REDDIT on random posts ranging from funerals honoring down syndrome lifeguards (he drowned) and the legendary song “Cbat” by Hudson Mohawke.
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2024.05.13 19:38 halfkeck "I fubar'ed it" A 24 Hours of Lemons story
Things have been busy here so I thought I would catch up on our two latest race adventures.
It's time for another race, so I hook up to the trailer and bring it to work. The Miata has been in the enclosed trailer since I ran it through the Christmas parade, but now it is time to wake it from it's winter slumber and start preparing it for Barber, our 10th 24 Hours of Lemons race.
The car should not need much as we ran nearly flawless at the last race at Road America. We had one spin and the wing mounts broke but that was about it.
I get it to the shop and we hurry up and start in. I already have one bay tied up with the next car we are building (more on that later, it is epic) and can't afford to tie up a second during business hours. Youngest jumps in and rebuilds the entire wing assembly. Manny comes by and drives the car to his place and keeps it there until a few more parts come in. It's a block or two away from the shop, we can nearly see it from the front sidewalk. No plates, no insurance, no problem.
Next we change out the brake pads, front rotors, front brake hoses and rear pads. We also change the timing belt after a debate on exactly how many race hours the old one has. Change the oil and the car is ready to load.
Racerguy comes down and we leave out Thursday night. I am driving a little fast as the website shows the gates close at 9 and our gps says we are expected to get there at 9.01. A quick fuel stop and a brisket sandwich at Buccees off I65 in Alabama and we are rolling on through the night.
Finally we get to Barber Motorsports park in Leeds Alabama. Just before 9pm we get in line and get signed in. The team ahead of us is just realizing they lost a wheel off their enclosed sometime on their tow in. The way I was driving before we stopped for fuel I could have lost the car out the back like in the movie Cars and not noticed. Luckily everything seems to be in one piece, we give everything a check over and drop the trailer and head off to the hotel which is thankfully just across the street from the entrance to the track.
The next morning we are up early. No Gill this race as he has had foot surgery and is out of commission, which means we are sorely missing his cooking skills. So we take advantage of the breakfast at the hotel and head over to the track. After we unload the car we have a discussion which ends with us moving across the paddock to the far side as the side we have had for the last few years is shorter and we can't park the trailer in that area as the new trailer is about ten foot longer than the old open trailer.
After the first of two drivers meetings of the weekend (many tracks do the practice day and hold their own drivers meeting to explain their own rules, then the next day Lemons runs the race and has their drivers meeting) we load a driver in the car and send him out to practice. Rinse and repeat until we have sent all the drivers out for a few laps.
By then it is time for inspections. First off all the tech inspection. They have a big crew this race but our favorite inspector Dale Strimple is there. He's knowledgeable, affable and very popular among all the racers. Every day is also his birthday, a story best told later. He and the other tech people soon pass our car then it's time for BS tech.
We have gone all out this race for our theme. This has been a long time thought of mine, it just took a while to get it enacted. So for context I am a cancer survivor and we are always doing crazy themes to try and draw attention to the importance of early detection in cancer improving your chances. In the past we have done free colonscopy tests with huge antique cameras and motor oil for props which thankfully no one took us up on. Later we have done dinosaurs with the inflatable dino costumes to bring home the point that that "dinosaurs never got checked and now they are extinct" which is also on the side of the car. It was popular, I mean who doesn't like to see a inflatable dinosaur walking around?
Today we have again upped our game. We are taking a scene from one of the funniest movies I have ever seen, Johnny Dangerously. There's a part where Micheal Keaton's character is counseling his younger brother not to have sex until he is married, which is funny in itself because Micheals character is always surrounded by a crowd of ladies who apparently are all competing for his affections. Anyhow he shows his brother this video of all these poor guys who are suffering from poor choices that have caused them to have severely enlarged testicles. Like basketball sized. Watch it sometime, it's hilarious. So we made up special pants to hold some dodgeballs and shirts that said: "mens health is no joke, get checked before you croak!" We got a lot of attention for that and even made the wrap video. Walking in those pants with the dodgeballs was not easy!
The next day it's race day. It could not be a nicer day in Alabama. Temps are great, sun is shining. We get through the drivers meeting and line up the cars. Racerguy is going first, we are trying to balance our drivers so that everyone gets one start or one finish for the weekend. It's fun to finish the race or the day and fun to start as well.
The flag drops and we are off. It was a complete fiasco at the start! Someone oiled down half the track on the pace laps and the track was not ready when they dropped the green. It was an immediate yellow but cars where stacking up and passing then realizing the yellow was out. Race control messed up that one pretty badly. It took another ten minutes to clean the track. Finally it really is time for a start and we go green for real. Racerguy is driving smooth as always and moving up. He brings the car from 87th out of 131 cars there to a respectable 39th when the first incident happens. A car spins and hits our rf wheel. Racerguy didn't think much of it but they flagged him in anyway. While in the penalty box we realize the rf is going flat. I did not see it then but by the time we get the car up to our spot in the paddock the wheel is destroyed. We slap another wheel on and send him back out. We lost nearly all the spots we gained, dropping to 78th on the board. Sucks but it happens.
The rest of his stint goes great and he brings the car back to pit road and we put in Youngest. He is running great and the car is showing no signs of any issues from the earlier contact. He starts making up ground and we get all the way up to 54th. Then I get a radio call. "The car is on fire and stopped running!"
What?!!! I radio back asking if he needs to get out of the car. "I'm trying to decide that" Ok, maybe not such a big fire then? We have to wait for more information and in a few minutes the rollback shows up with him in the car. We have had a wiring fire from the passenger side floorboard where the stock PCM harness is. I immediately think the car is done but after Youngest gets some fresh air he jumps in and cuts all the burnt wires out and patches it all up. Start to finish we are off the track an hour and a half and drop to 90th.
I suit up and take the car out to see if it will run or not. It struggles and will only get up to 45, so I bring it right back in. Youngest thinks he knows exactly what is wrong and jumps in again and patches one more wire. I go out and the car is spot on. I start clicking off laps and trying some things the guys said to do to improve on my lap times. There's a few parts where I just need to be more aggressive and roll through and trust the car more. I pick up about four seconds off my best time and am pretty pleased by that. The car runs flawless for the rest of my stint and I bring it back to pit road for the crew to fuel and driver change. We put Manny in the car and send him out. He's running some fast laps and really pushing the car. All the sudden we realize we do not see the car going by. One of the other teams say our car is in the wall on the front stretch. Manny comes over the radio "I FUBAR'ed it" Great, The front stretch at Barber is one of the places I have noted will bite you pretty hard. I have seen a few Lemons cars get really messed up there including a 63 Valiant last year. I am expecting the worst when the roll back comes by with the car for the second time this day.
It's pretty bad. The nose is knocked sideways, the steering is all out of sorts, a closer look reveals the lf tie rod is broken. The right rear is all messed up, the wheel is pushed so far forward it is into the quarter panel and won't even turn. We put the car up on jack stands and look it over. Not good. But there's glimmers of hope. The radiator is not broke. The engine is still fine. The core of the car seems square. And we have almost an entire Miata in parts in totes in our trailer. Maybe we can fix this. I start dragging out parts and we start changing them. The tie rod on the front is soon changed and we now have both wheels pointing the same direction. Youngest takes the nose off and straightens the brackets that hold it and the splitter in place and adds a whole lot of zip ties.
On the rear it just keeps going and going deeper. We change the knuckle, the lower control arm and the upper. We spend a long time saving the bolt that goes through the lower control arm and knuckle, we do not have another. This one is bent and has questionable threads too. In true lemons never say die fashion we beat it out of the bent parts, straighten it and when we cannot find the correct die to chase the threads we use one that is close and pray it works. It does, but then we get it all back together and realize even with all the parts replaced we still have two inches of rear toe. Just a wee more than the 1/16th we started with.
Turns out the rear subframe is bent, so we all go out and start walking the pits looking to borrow a port a power. This small hydraulic jack comes with rams and other attachments and has a pump attached to a hose so you can jack and bend parts that are bent like ours. We actually end up borrowing two after searching almost every team that is still around. It's getting dark, rain is moving in after midnight and the clock is ticking on the car being done. Is it fixable or is the damage terminal? There are three guys under the car jacking and measuring and I am handing them parts and tools and making a run for food.
In a dramatic fashion, they pull it out. I run for food and they finally announce the car is perfect. I think they worked until nearly midnight, but everything they measured was on the money. It was an amazing effort and a huge comeback. We all fall into an exhausted sleep wondering if the car will drive good tomorrow or did we miss something important.
The next morning dawns and as expected its raining. And colder. I cannot emphasize enough just how wet and cold it was. All day long it rained and I think the temps dropped. Made for a miserable day, pretty sure even a duck would have been unhappy.
I go out first, I had called this stint early on. Sometimes you have to pull the car owner card. It's a two hour stint then a quiet hour then the race resumes.
We gas up the car and I line up. The car seems to drive straight, but it is raining and the track is slippery so who really knows? The car stumbles a bit on accel and I wonder if we outsmarted ourselves with our home made ram air system that sucks air from right below where the left headlight was. It keeps on doing that for a few laps then finally gets better.
Driving in the rain is not without it's challenges. You have to drive very carefully and not push the car too hard. The fun part is the Miata goes straight when you floor it so anytime I get a chance I gas it up and go hard to the next corner where I slow down and ease through it. Soon enough another issue arises. The windshield starts fogging up. It gets real bad on yellow flags where we all slow down then gets better if I have a good run at speed, but there are times a smart person would have pulled off as you cannot see much at all. But most of us aren't real smart. I can't reach the windshield or I would try to wipe it. The temptation is there to loosen the belts and get enough room to reach but even I am not that crazy. I keep the belts tight but do take off one glove and give it a few swipes under a long yellow then hasten to put the gloves back on. There's probably not much chance of a fire in these conditions but no sense chancing it. I've seen pictures of burns from race car incidents and they aren't pretty.
On one corner I make a mistake, I get off line to let a really aggressive car go by. It's the Party Girl car and they are hyper aggressive. If you would think they would wait to pass until you get through a critical part you'd be wrong, they typically will jam their car in wherever they can and go on. Other fast cars are a bit more respectful and do a better job on the give and take. Not wanting to make an issue, I get over and promptly realize there is zero grip outside on this corner and slide through the grass. I go to penalty and explain what happened. The judge asks if I learned anything, I said "Yes, next time to be a jerk" I might not have used that exact wording but I meant it. The same car also was what indirectly caused the wreck the day before, their aggressive driving was what caused Manny to get the red mist when they did the same thing passing him. He over drove the car after that and lost it. Mental note to drive them the same way going forward, we both can be hyper aggressive and see where that leads. We have a few more cars to build in the driveway if need be.
After my two hours are up, I bring the car in and explain about the terrible fogging and vision issue. Manny goes out after the quiet hour and slides off the track for black flag number two. It's just very nasty out there and cars are going off all the time. We fix up a ice scraper with a rag tied to it to give the driver a method of clearing the fog. It's primative but way better than nothing. The drivers report they used it quite a bit the rest of the day. It's just gloomy and the race is going on, but cars are hydroplaning if they get into the water which is starting to pool on parts of the track. The rest of us are watching from inside Manny's car with the heat on, it's gotten that cold and wet.
We are so far behind now we aren't bothering to suit up and go to pit lane. Rather we bring the car up to the pumps, get the driver out and fuel and put the next driver in. It's still raining and not having to get anymore wet than necessary is a plus. Racerguy gets flagged in after he's run about half his stint and he has no idea why. Apparently the cameras show what they thought was contact in the corner, he says he got real close and braked hard to avoid it. The car shows no new signs of contact. The judge tells us one more flag and he's parking us for the rest of the day. Over contact that someone thought they saw on camera that apparently never happened. (I went to look this up on our go pro footage but the chip glitched and we had no footage)
Racerguy goes out and finishes. He reports the same as Manny, the track is getting increasingly treacherous. Very few cars are getting around good, if you have a front wheel drive with skinny tires, today was your day. I saw a escort wagon running laps as fast as us and later the Dodge Caravan passed us.
Youngest goes out and after about 15 minutes I notice the lap counter is not updating. I look outside the trailer and he is in the car, sitting there. We go out and he announces he cannot drive the car anymore, it's sideways all the time. I ask if he wants to load the car and he said yes. I don't object. We race for the fun of it, and at that point none of us were having fun. We loaded in the rain and left before the race was over. Many other teams had already done the same. Some were gone before the day ever started. We have raced in the rain before but this was the worst conditions I have ever seen on the track. Barber is a top notch facility, it was just such a lingering rain and the temps being below 40 made it miserable. The vision and grip levels seemingly got worse as the day went on and the water built up and the temps dropped. We saw a lot of big problems and overcame many. Probably if we were not so exhausted from fixing the car and were in the hunt for anything we might have stayed until the end. As it were, we dropped from 65th to 67th or so. Time to rebuild and get dried out and ready for the next race.
submitted by halfkeck to TalesFromAutoRepair [link] [comments]
It's time for another race, so I hook up to the trailer and bring it to work. The Miata has been in the enclosed trailer since I ran it through the Christmas parade, but now it is time to wake it from it's winter slumber and start preparing it for Barber, our 10th 24 Hours of Lemons race.
The car should not need much as we ran nearly flawless at the last race at Road America. We had one spin and the wing mounts broke but that was about it.
I get it to the shop and we hurry up and start in. I already have one bay tied up with the next car we are building (more on that later, it is epic) and can't afford to tie up a second during business hours. Youngest jumps in and rebuilds the entire wing assembly. Manny comes by and drives the car to his place and keeps it there until a few more parts come in. It's a block or two away from the shop, we can nearly see it from the front sidewalk. No plates, no insurance, no problem.
Next we change out the brake pads, front rotors, front brake hoses and rear pads. We also change the timing belt after a debate on exactly how many race hours the old one has. Change the oil and the car is ready to load.
Racerguy comes down and we leave out Thursday night. I am driving a little fast as the website shows the gates close at 9 and our gps says we are expected to get there at 9.01. A quick fuel stop and a brisket sandwich at Buccees off I65 in Alabama and we are rolling on through the night.
Finally we get to Barber Motorsports park in Leeds Alabama. Just before 9pm we get in line and get signed in. The team ahead of us is just realizing they lost a wheel off their enclosed sometime on their tow in. The way I was driving before we stopped for fuel I could have lost the car out the back like in the movie Cars and not noticed. Luckily everything seems to be in one piece, we give everything a check over and drop the trailer and head off to the hotel which is thankfully just across the street from the entrance to the track.
The next morning we are up early. No Gill this race as he has had foot surgery and is out of commission, which means we are sorely missing his cooking skills. So we take advantage of the breakfast at the hotel and head over to the track. After we unload the car we have a discussion which ends with us moving across the paddock to the far side as the side we have had for the last few years is shorter and we can't park the trailer in that area as the new trailer is about ten foot longer than the old open trailer.
After the first of two drivers meetings of the weekend (many tracks do the practice day and hold their own drivers meeting to explain their own rules, then the next day Lemons runs the race and has their drivers meeting) we load a driver in the car and send him out to practice. Rinse and repeat until we have sent all the drivers out for a few laps.
By then it is time for inspections. First off all the tech inspection. They have a big crew this race but our favorite inspector Dale Strimple is there. He's knowledgeable, affable and very popular among all the racers. Every day is also his birthday, a story best told later. He and the other tech people soon pass our car then it's time for BS tech.
We have gone all out this race for our theme. This has been a long time thought of mine, it just took a while to get it enacted. So for context I am a cancer survivor and we are always doing crazy themes to try and draw attention to the importance of early detection in cancer improving your chances. In the past we have done free colonscopy tests with huge antique cameras and motor oil for props which thankfully no one took us up on. Later we have done dinosaurs with the inflatable dino costumes to bring home the point that that "dinosaurs never got checked and now they are extinct" which is also on the side of the car. It was popular, I mean who doesn't like to see a inflatable dinosaur walking around?
Today we have again upped our game. We are taking a scene from one of the funniest movies I have ever seen, Johnny Dangerously. There's a part where Micheal Keaton's character is counseling his younger brother not to have sex until he is married, which is funny in itself because Micheals character is always surrounded by a crowd of ladies who apparently are all competing for his affections. Anyhow he shows his brother this video of all these poor guys who are suffering from poor choices that have caused them to have severely enlarged testicles. Like basketball sized. Watch it sometime, it's hilarious. So we made up special pants to hold some dodgeballs and shirts that said: "mens health is no joke, get checked before you croak!" We got a lot of attention for that and even made the wrap video. Walking in those pants with the dodgeballs was not easy!
The next day it's race day. It could not be a nicer day in Alabama. Temps are great, sun is shining. We get through the drivers meeting and line up the cars. Racerguy is going first, we are trying to balance our drivers so that everyone gets one start or one finish for the weekend. It's fun to finish the race or the day and fun to start as well.
The flag drops and we are off. It was a complete fiasco at the start! Someone oiled down half the track on the pace laps and the track was not ready when they dropped the green. It was an immediate yellow but cars where stacking up and passing then realizing the yellow was out. Race control messed up that one pretty badly. It took another ten minutes to clean the track. Finally it really is time for a start and we go green for real. Racerguy is driving smooth as always and moving up. He brings the car from 87th out of 131 cars there to a respectable 39th when the first incident happens. A car spins and hits our rf wheel. Racerguy didn't think much of it but they flagged him in anyway. While in the penalty box we realize the rf is going flat. I did not see it then but by the time we get the car up to our spot in the paddock the wheel is destroyed. We slap another wheel on and send him back out. We lost nearly all the spots we gained, dropping to 78th on the board. Sucks but it happens.
The rest of his stint goes great and he brings the car back to pit road and we put in Youngest. He is running great and the car is showing no signs of any issues from the earlier contact. He starts making up ground and we get all the way up to 54th. Then I get a radio call. "The car is on fire and stopped running!"
What?!!! I radio back asking if he needs to get out of the car. "I'm trying to decide that" Ok, maybe not such a big fire then? We have to wait for more information and in a few minutes the rollback shows up with him in the car. We have had a wiring fire from the passenger side floorboard where the stock PCM harness is. I immediately think the car is done but after Youngest gets some fresh air he jumps in and cuts all the burnt wires out and patches it all up. Start to finish we are off the track an hour and a half and drop to 90th.
I suit up and take the car out to see if it will run or not. It struggles and will only get up to 45, so I bring it right back in. Youngest thinks he knows exactly what is wrong and jumps in again and patches one more wire. I go out and the car is spot on. I start clicking off laps and trying some things the guys said to do to improve on my lap times. There's a few parts where I just need to be more aggressive and roll through and trust the car more. I pick up about four seconds off my best time and am pretty pleased by that. The car runs flawless for the rest of my stint and I bring it back to pit road for the crew to fuel and driver change. We put Manny in the car and send him out. He's running some fast laps and really pushing the car. All the sudden we realize we do not see the car going by. One of the other teams say our car is in the wall on the front stretch. Manny comes over the radio "I FUBAR'ed it" Great, The front stretch at Barber is one of the places I have noted will bite you pretty hard. I have seen a few Lemons cars get really messed up there including a 63 Valiant last year. I am expecting the worst when the roll back comes by with the car for the second time this day.
It's pretty bad. The nose is knocked sideways, the steering is all out of sorts, a closer look reveals the lf tie rod is broken. The right rear is all messed up, the wheel is pushed so far forward it is into the quarter panel and won't even turn. We put the car up on jack stands and look it over. Not good. But there's glimmers of hope. The radiator is not broke. The engine is still fine. The core of the car seems square. And we have almost an entire Miata in parts in totes in our trailer. Maybe we can fix this. I start dragging out parts and we start changing them. The tie rod on the front is soon changed and we now have both wheels pointing the same direction. Youngest takes the nose off and straightens the brackets that hold it and the splitter in place and adds a whole lot of zip ties.
On the rear it just keeps going and going deeper. We change the knuckle, the lower control arm and the upper. We spend a long time saving the bolt that goes through the lower control arm and knuckle, we do not have another. This one is bent and has questionable threads too. In true lemons never say die fashion we beat it out of the bent parts, straighten it and when we cannot find the correct die to chase the threads we use one that is close and pray it works. It does, but then we get it all back together and realize even with all the parts replaced we still have two inches of rear toe. Just a wee more than the 1/16th we started with.
Turns out the rear subframe is bent, so we all go out and start walking the pits looking to borrow a port a power. This small hydraulic jack comes with rams and other attachments and has a pump attached to a hose so you can jack and bend parts that are bent like ours. We actually end up borrowing two after searching almost every team that is still around. It's getting dark, rain is moving in after midnight and the clock is ticking on the car being done. Is it fixable or is the damage terminal? There are three guys under the car jacking and measuring and I am handing them parts and tools and making a run for food.
In a dramatic fashion, they pull it out. I run for food and they finally announce the car is perfect. I think they worked until nearly midnight, but everything they measured was on the money. It was an amazing effort and a huge comeback. We all fall into an exhausted sleep wondering if the car will drive good tomorrow or did we miss something important.
The next morning dawns and as expected its raining. And colder. I cannot emphasize enough just how wet and cold it was. All day long it rained and I think the temps dropped. Made for a miserable day, pretty sure even a duck would have been unhappy.
I go out first, I had called this stint early on. Sometimes you have to pull the car owner card. It's a two hour stint then a quiet hour then the race resumes.
We gas up the car and I line up. The car seems to drive straight, but it is raining and the track is slippery so who really knows? The car stumbles a bit on accel and I wonder if we outsmarted ourselves with our home made ram air system that sucks air from right below where the left headlight was. It keeps on doing that for a few laps then finally gets better.
Driving in the rain is not without it's challenges. You have to drive very carefully and not push the car too hard. The fun part is the Miata goes straight when you floor it so anytime I get a chance I gas it up and go hard to the next corner where I slow down and ease through it. Soon enough another issue arises. The windshield starts fogging up. It gets real bad on yellow flags where we all slow down then gets better if I have a good run at speed, but there are times a smart person would have pulled off as you cannot see much at all. But most of us aren't real smart. I can't reach the windshield or I would try to wipe it. The temptation is there to loosen the belts and get enough room to reach but even I am not that crazy. I keep the belts tight but do take off one glove and give it a few swipes under a long yellow then hasten to put the gloves back on. There's probably not much chance of a fire in these conditions but no sense chancing it. I've seen pictures of burns from race car incidents and they aren't pretty.
On one corner I make a mistake, I get off line to let a really aggressive car go by. It's the Party Girl car and they are hyper aggressive. If you would think they would wait to pass until you get through a critical part you'd be wrong, they typically will jam their car in wherever they can and go on. Other fast cars are a bit more respectful and do a better job on the give and take. Not wanting to make an issue, I get over and promptly realize there is zero grip outside on this corner and slide through the grass. I go to penalty and explain what happened. The judge asks if I learned anything, I said "Yes, next time to be a jerk" I might not have used that exact wording but I meant it. The same car also was what indirectly caused the wreck the day before, their aggressive driving was what caused Manny to get the red mist when they did the same thing passing him. He over drove the car after that and lost it. Mental note to drive them the same way going forward, we both can be hyper aggressive and see where that leads. We have a few more cars to build in the driveway if need be.
After my two hours are up, I bring the car in and explain about the terrible fogging and vision issue. Manny goes out after the quiet hour and slides off the track for black flag number two. It's just very nasty out there and cars are going off all the time. We fix up a ice scraper with a rag tied to it to give the driver a method of clearing the fog. It's primative but way better than nothing. The drivers report they used it quite a bit the rest of the day. It's just gloomy and the race is going on, but cars are hydroplaning if they get into the water which is starting to pool on parts of the track. The rest of us are watching from inside Manny's car with the heat on, it's gotten that cold and wet.
We are so far behind now we aren't bothering to suit up and go to pit lane. Rather we bring the car up to the pumps, get the driver out and fuel and put the next driver in. It's still raining and not having to get anymore wet than necessary is a plus. Racerguy gets flagged in after he's run about half his stint and he has no idea why. Apparently the cameras show what they thought was contact in the corner, he says he got real close and braked hard to avoid it. The car shows no new signs of contact. The judge tells us one more flag and he's parking us for the rest of the day. Over contact that someone thought they saw on camera that apparently never happened. (I went to look this up on our go pro footage but the chip glitched and we had no footage)
Racerguy goes out and finishes. He reports the same as Manny, the track is getting increasingly treacherous. Very few cars are getting around good, if you have a front wheel drive with skinny tires, today was your day. I saw a escort wagon running laps as fast as us and later the Dodge Caravan passed us.
Youngest goes out and after about 15 minutes I notice the lap counter is not updating. I look outside the trailer and he is in the car, sitting there. We go out and he announces he cannot drive the car anymore, it's sideways all the time. I ask if he wants to load the car and he said yes. I don't object. We race for the fun of it, and at that point none of us were having fun. We loaded in the rain and left before the race was over. Many other teams had already done the same. Some were gone before the day ever started. We have raced in the rain before but this was the worst conditions I have ever seen on the track. Barber is a top notch facility, it was just such a lingering rain and the temps being below 40 made it miserable. The vision and grip levels seemingly got worse as the day went on and the water built up and the temps dropped. We saw a lot of big problems and overcame many. Probably if we were not so exhausted from fixing the car and were in the hunt for anything we might have stayed until the end. As it were, we dropped from 65th to 67th or so. Time to rebuild and get dried out and ready for the next race.
2024.05.13 19:30 R_Daneel_Olivaww Hair System Philosophy: How badly do you want amazing hair? No wrong answers
“Self-Improvement is not for those who need it, it’s for those who want it!”
The essence of this message is universal, especially when we talk about hair systems.
This saying hits home in many areas of self-improvement. Consider weight loss or quitting smoking. Countless people need to make these changes, but only a fraction truly want to endure the discomfort and effort these changes demand. The same can be said about managing hair loss with hair systems.
Adopting a hair system is more than just buying and wearing a piece. It's about the willingness to learn, to maintain, and sometimes to relearn everything from scratch when things don’t go as planned. Yes, it’s frustrating, it’s time-consuming, and it’s a commitment—not everyone wants it badly enough to stick with it.
Personally, I also think it is an act of rebellion against patriarchal norms of how men should act and think. And wearing systems taught me why it’s never a good idea to judge someone by their appearance. It gave me empathy for people I looked down on before in my ignorant, ego-driven ways.
And let’s address the elephant in the room—vanity. There’s a stigma, right? Some say, "Real men just shave it off," suggesting that caring deeply about your appearance is somehow less masculine or trivial. However, here’s another perspective: managing how you present yourself, including your hair, is a significant aspect of your personal identity and self-confidence.
By mastering this, you not only reclaim your confidence but also become a beacon of hope for other men. Your journey can inspire and guide those who are grappling with their own hair loss challenges.
So, whether you’re just starting out, thinking about quitting, or have been in this for the long haul, reflect on this: How important is your appearance to you? How much do you want to express your identity through your looks? Does the effort of maintaining a hair system justify the benefits for you personally?
And most importantly, how much do you care about what other people think of you, your choices and your hair?
I’m eager to hear your thoughts. Does this desire to change and maintain changes resonate with you in your journey with hair systems?
PS: I think this video is really relevant here: https://youtu.be/E111gJ7ZAKQ?si=PTblK-lmftjB6W0F
submitted by R_Daneel_Olivaww to HairSystem [link] [comments]
The essence of this message is universal, especially when we talk about hair systems.
This saying hits home in many areas of self-improvement. Consider weight loss or quitting smoking. Countless people need to make these changes, but only a fraction truly want to endure the discomfort and effort these changes demand. The same can be said about managing hair loss with hair systems.
Adopting a hair system is more than just buying and wearing a piece. It's about the willingness to learn, to maintain, and sometimes to relearn everything from scratch when things don’t go as planned. Yes, it’s frustrating, it’s time-consuming, and it’s a commitment—not everyone wants it badly enough to stick with it.
Personally, I also think it is an act of rebellion against patriarchal norms of how men should act and think. And wearing systems taught me why it’s never a good idea to judge someone by their appearance. It gave me empathy for people I looked down on before in my ignorant, ego-driven ways.
And let’s address the elephant in the room—vanity. There’s a stigma, right? Some say, "Real men just shave it off," suggesting that caring deeply about your appearance is somehow less masculine or trivial. However, here’s another perspective: managing how you present yourself, including your hair, is a significant aspect of your personal identity and self-confidence.
By mastering this, you not only reclaim your confidence but also become a beacon of hope for other men. Your journey can inspire and guide those who are grappling with their own hair loss challenges.
So, whether you’re just starting out, thinking about quitting, or have been in this for the long haul, reflect on this: How important is your appearance to you? How much do you want to express your identity through your looks? Does the effort of maintaining a hair system justify the benefits for you personally?
And most importantly, how much do you care about what other people think of you, your choices and your hair?
I’m eager to hear your thoughts. Does this desire to change and maintain changes resonate with you in your journey with hair systems?
PS: I think this video is really relevant here: https://youtu.be/E111gJ7ZAKQ?si=PTblK-lmftjB6W0F
2024.05.13 18:21 Affectionate_Big597 AITA for telling my niece that she stinks?
I (37 F) had my niece (26 F) over last summer. She flew in from the States to stay with my (40 M) boyfriend and me in Europe. When I heard that she was finally coming I was really excited as I haven’t seen her for many years. I decluttered, cleaned and tidied up the guest room and even decorated it with the things she likes, incense, nice colors, little wooden boxes and gem stones.
After she arrived, all was well for the first few weeks. After that I begun noticing that she would keep to herself more, just sit in her room (the guest bedroom) for most of the day. She would wake up very late in the day, about noon and would always be in a bad mood. We always offered breakfast, said “good morning!” with a big smile and tended to her so she would feel welcome. I mentioned mornings because she seemed to be more irritable then. She would just stare with a pissy look and sit far away from us. Now with the hygiene: she doesn’t shave which is a personal preference I have absolutely no problem with, but she bathes once a week and doesn’t put deodorant because she believes it causes cancer. But it was summer and she’s a big girl who sweats a lot. My boyfriend and I began to notice that the whole house started to have a sweaty, oniony smell. We tried to explain to her that it’s summer, we all sweat and smell and if she could please apply some deodorant. She refused and got defensive. We dropped the subject.
All this continued for some weeks to the point that we had to buy Lysol to spray around the house and my boyfriend is allergic. The worst part was when she was sitting in the car with us and we had to literally hold our noses and roll the windows down.
Well, a month later we planned a 10-day vacation in Greece and invited her to come with us. We thought that the change in scenery would motivate her and lighten up the mood. Oh how wrong we were! The same motif: she’d wake up late in the day to the point where we had to shake her awake or else she’d miss all the plans we had (cruises, sightseeing, taverns, the beach). She would be extra irritable and even shout at us. The last straw was when we went for a mini hike to some old monasteries and she got so pissy with us she decided to stay at the gate and not come with… She was even moaning about the fact that the European girls were so pretty and slim and why can’t she be like them meanwhile she always requests to buy instant ramen, sweets and sodas…In the end I was so done with this childish behavior that I told her “look, we invited you here, I paid for your tickets, make sure you’re fed, that you’re having fun and you show no respect to us, only complain and act aggressive toward both of us, for no reason! We asked you to put on deodorant as it’s a hygiene problem and you can’t even do that! Do you think we’re your personal servants? You don’t even clean up after yourself or help us with any chores!” (I understand she was a guest, but if I was a guest for MONTHS at someone’s house and my whole stay was funded by them plus my vacation, I would at LEAST clean up after myself and wouldn’t make a mess…)
All this drama took place by the end of the holiday and when we got back home she changed her tickets and flew back home early. I can’t believe she acted like this, she was never satisfied with anything, we took her to so many beautiful places, done so many nice things, tried to include her as she was always waking up late, and she accused us of alienating her, disrespecting her and trying to control her even though she did that to herself by staying in and playing video games. Back home she lives with her mother. Last I saw her was 15 years ago and she used to be such a nice, happy kid… I don’t know what happened to her between then and now as we never talked about very personal stuff, just exchanged memes and talked about job stuff and guys she liked. I feel like she has depression coupled with something else.She doesn’t speak to me anymore and she didn’t even say thank you for all we did for her. Not to mention I spent about 4K on her for the months she stayed with us…
So AITA for telling her she smells bad?
UPDATE: I forgot to write that I sat down with her at some point and we talked about hard times but she didn’t tell me what happened to her (if anything) to be emotionally distressed. I had major depression, alcoholism and unaliving ideation in my 20s and it was as if I was looking at myself. I tried to give her some pointers for therapy, ways to analyze her own negative thoughts/ stop them in their tracks and advice on how to cope with some things that I have similarly experienced. I told her I was having cognitive behavioral therapy twice a week for many years and was introduced to an antidepressant which was suitable for me after trying some. So visits to the psychiatrist every month. My life significantly improved and I learned not to torture myself. But she said she doesn’t believe in therapy and is totally against taking medicine. I feel like I can’t do much… She does not communicate, my family does not have a good relationship with her mother and everything she does is always someone else’s fault, she shifts the blame to them. She has a big problem with authority and strange ideas about life (i.e. that “people are not supposed to have a job, traditional jobs are slavery to the ‘System’ “). But even so, I can’t believe she did not feel bad about how she behaved.
submitted by Affectionate_Big597 to CharlotteDobreYouTube [link] [comments]
After she arrived, all was well for the first few weeks. After that I begun noticing that she would keep to herself more, just sit in her room (the guest bedroom) for most of the day. She would wake up very late in the day, about noon and would always be in a bad mood. We always offered breakfast, said “good morning!” with a big smile and tended to her so she would feel welcome. I mentioned mornings because she seemed to be more irritable then. She would just stare with a pissy look and sit far away from us. Now with the hygiene: she doesn’t shave which is a personal preference I have absolutely no problem with, but she bathes once a week and doesn’t put deodorant because she believes it causes cancer. But it was summer and she’s a big girl who sweats a lot. My boyfriend and I began to notice that the whole house started to have a sweaty, oniony smell. We tried to explain to her that it’s summer, we all sweat and smell and if she could please apply some deodorant. She refused and got defensive. We dropped the subject.
All this continued for some weeks to the point that we had to buy Lysol to spray around the house and my boyfriend is allergic. The worst part was when she was sitting in the car with us and we had to literally hold our noses and roll the windows down.
Well, a month later we planned a 10-day vacation in Greece and invited her to come with us. We thought that the change in scenery would motivate her and lighten up the mood. Oh how wrong we were! The same motif: she’d wake up late in the day to the point where we had to shake her awake or else she’d miss all the plans we had (cruises, sightseeing, taverns, the beach). She would be extra irritable and even shout at us. The last straw was when we went for a mini hike to some old monasteries and she got so pissy with us she decided to stay at the gate and not come with… She was even moaning about the fact that the European girls were so pretty and slim and why can’t she be like them meanwhile she always requests to buy instant ramen, sweets and sodas…In the end I was so done with this childish behavior that I told her “look, we invited you here, I paid for your tickets, make sure you’re fed, that you’re having fun and you show no respect to us, only complain and act aggressive toward both of us, for no reason! We asked you to put on deodorant as it’s a hygiene problem and you can’t even do that! Do you think we’re your personal servants? You don’t even clean up after yourself or help us with any chores!” (I understand she was a guest, but if I was a guest for MONTHS at someone’s house and my whole stay was funded by them plus my vacation, I would at LEAST clean up after myself and wouldn’t make a mess…)
All this drama took place by the end of the holiday and when we got back home she changed her tickets and flew back home early. I can’t believe she acted like this, she was never satisfied with anything, we took her to so many beautiful places, done so many nice things, tried to include her as she was always waking up late, and she accused us of alienating her, disrespecting her and trying to control her even though she did that to herself by staying in and playing video games. Back home she lives with her mother. Last I saw her was 15 years ago and she used to be such a nice, happy kid… I don’t know what happened to her between then and now as we never talked about very personal stuff, just exchanged memes and talked about job stuff and guys she liked. I feel like she has depression coupled with something else.She doesn’t speak to me anymore and she didn’t even say thank you for all we did for her. Not to mention I spent about 4K on her for the months she stayed with us…
So AITA for telling her she smells bad?
UPDATE: I forgot to write that I sat down with her at some point and we talked about hard times but she didn’t tell me what happened to her (if anything) to be emotionally distressed. I had major depression, alcoholism and unaliving ideation in my 20s and it was as if I was looking at myself. I tried to give her some pointers for therapy, ways to analyze her own negative thoughts/ stop them in their tracks and advice on how to cope with some things that I have similarly experienced. I told her I was having cognitive behavioral therapy twice a week for many years and was introduced to an antidepressant which was suitable for me after trying some. So visits to the psychiatrist every month. My life significantly improved and I learned not to torture myself. But she said she doesn’t believe in therapy and is totally against taking medicine. I feel like I can’t do much… She does not communicate, my family does not have a good relationship with her mother and everything she does is always someone else’s fault, she shifts the blame to them. She has a big problem with authority and strange ideas about life (i.e. that “people are not supposed to have a job, traditional jobs are slavery to the ‘System’ “). But even so, I can’t believe she did not feel bad about how she behaved.
2024.05.13 04:04 ImpressiveTune6473 Most Wanted Tour Theory
 | I want to start by saying if this theory is even remotely close, Bad Bunny is a theatrical genius! Freshly from the Charlotte concert on Friday and I came the realization that The Most Wanted Tour is a story and all his albums are connected to the tour. It all starts with the album having the Bad Bunny/Benito printed on the cover. This is not a Trap Bunny vs Reggaeton Bunny battle, but a fight between Benito and Bad Bunny as his identity. submitted by ImpressiveTune6473 to BadBunnyPR [link] [comments] This is how it all begins. The promo for NSLQVPSM showed images of Benito and Bad Bunny facing each other, almost like a boxing/wrestling promo. Then, when he did SNL there was a wrestling promo skit. Same thing, Benito vs Bad Bunny. Wrestling is scripted and there's always a bad guy vs good guy storyline. Benito was the good guy that became the bad guy with the kissing the girl in the green dress, with throwing the fans cell phone and that made people change their view/idea of Benito. Bad Bunny has created a wrestling type script, the WWE appearance is his clue to show that he is creating a wrestling type script for this story. The concert starts with the orchestra playing. The orchestra starting the show is used as the intro of the story. A good example of this is Star Wars. When the Star Wars movie is starting, there's music when the story is begining. Not just any music but an orchestra. If you listen closely to the way the orchestra is playing, there's ebbs and flows. Here's the breakdown. There are moments when the orchestra is playing an upbeat pace and that resemble determination and fight. In fact, there's six different moments when the upbeat pace picks up and each moment the orchestra has an urgency beat, those are for each album he has worked hair for. That is Benito Antonio Martinez Ocasio being determined to become the greatest Latin artist this world has seen. Then there's moment when the orchestra plays a calmer and peaceful pace. That resembles a moment in Bad Bunny's life is calm and he's at peace with what he's accomplished. There's also a sadder pace the orchestra plays and this resembling a sadder piece of the Bad Bunny story where he is struggling and has become sad. When the concert begins on stage 1, we see Benito appear. Stage 1 is the current part of the stage. He comes out wearing the dodgers hat with the fake long hair underneath it. That first set is all Benito playing. The crowd is wild and hype for the first set of songs. That is the Benito efecto. The set ends with Baticano and the dancers piling up on top of Benito and he goes under stage. It ends this way because Benito has died and going under the stage is a metaphor of being buried in a grave. During the intermission a video is played, we see a masked "man" appear and he is telling a story to the crowd. We obviously know that's Bad Bunny's voice, but the covered face is all part of the story. When he appears on stage 2, he appears with the mask on his face. He rides in with the horse and as a "bandit". He starts that second set with teléfono nuevo. When teléfono nuevo is done, the mask comes off. He no longer has the long hair, he appears with the shaved head showing Bad Bunny is back! The crowd goes wild as he reveals who the masked man is. Then he does his signature pinky move which is what only Bad Bunny has done. Benito never did the pinky. This is when Bad Bunny's starts his original songs (Tu no Metes Cabra, Diles, Vuelve). The songs are the beginning of this story, the beginning of his story. When he signs Tu No Vives Asi, the second stage starts rising. That stage rising is a representation of Bad Bunny's rise in fame. He then sings Chambea with the stage reaching its highest point and Cheambea is what really sky rocketed his career to the top. One thing to note, the two stages caused a separation. At least in the Charlotte concert, the crowd split in half. When he was performing as Benito, everyone was there to witness it. Everyone got as close as possible to stage 1. When he then went to stage 2 as Bad Bunny, the crowd split. A good amount of the floor crowd stayed close to stage 1 while the other part of the crowd went close to stage 2. That split resembles what is happening with fans. Some are wanting just Benito, while other are wanting just Bad Bunny. The stage in the middle is not just a stage, that stage is a connection between Bad Bunny and Benito. The stage is the path Bad Bunny has taken through his career and he sings 25/8 which is him telling us he hasn't changed no matter how much his career has advanced and grown. Then Bad Bunny sings Vuelve Candy B which looks to be about people wanting Bad Bunny to return. When Bad Bunny is on the the hanging stage, he tells everyone to be their true self and don't let other change who you are. He is giving that message to fans, but he is talking to Bad Bunny. He is telling Bad Bunny to be himself and to keep true to identity. He then goes and thanks his fans as he does in every concert. This time, he's at the top and everyone is looking up to him. The crowd is following him around and he does a loud battle. Which side can be the loudesr and each side is trying to be the other. That is symbolizing his fans, the new fans vs the old fans and which group can be louder in their Benito vs Bad Bunny argument. Thunder and Lightning is also sang on the floating stage, and the floating stage starts to spin as if Bad Bunny is in the middle of a storm. The storm represents what Bad Bunny/Benito are struggling with. And as always, there's a calm before the storm. That's when the piano comes in. There's a calm and peaceful moment. He sings just with the piano, no other instruments, lights, or fire works were being used. After the piano set, Perro Negro starts. The song starts with "Al menos dame un perreito, mor". He is giving the fans what they want. Reggaeton, perreo and his most popular reggaeton songs, Safaera and Yo Perreo Sola. But, he makes fans beg for Safaera as he cuts it off at the beginning. After the reggaeton piece, he sings La Jumpa. One of the many collabs Bad Bunny has done with Arcangel. But, Bad Bunny is also giving thanks to Arcangel for the shot he gave to Bad Bunny. La Jumpa = The Jump Shot = The Shot. Because Bad Bunny sang songs from YHLQMDLG, he goes into his most recent albums, EUTDM and UVST after La Jumpa. In the Charlotte concert he does Dakiti which is a great song and Booker T, followed by Efecto. Efecto is a sexualized song but the meaning is the efecto Bad Bunny has caused. The effect which led to is his most popular album to date, UVST. He sang what is considered as the more popular songs from the album. Me portó bonito is now Benito falling in line and behaving as what they people have been saying because Bad Bunny wasn't it. After all that, he sings Un Preview. Why Un Preview? Everyone thinks it's about his next album when Un Preview was played on the album. Considering how the concert goes, It's a recap of the Bad Bunny/ Benito battle after all these years. In Charlotte, we didn't get Yo No Me Quiero Casar. The song Is not about marring a woman, but about the idea of being married to a single identity or persona. He doesn't want hunt himself (casar) to sticking to that identity. He ends the concert with Where She Goes. This is Bad Bunny and Benito coming to an agreement, there's closure and Bad Bunny is taking in both identities and is going to go whichever direction the future goes. She represents the future. It is not a woman he is talking. Here are the album connections. We start with X100Pre. Which can be translated to as I'm always going to Bad Bunny. Then you have YHLQMDLG, which Bad Bunny started hearing people criticize him for who he is as an artist but he was going to continue to be him. He then did EUTDM, which was darker and different than previous albums, there's a slight transition there. In UVST, he is a brighter, happier, relaxed version. He is Benito. Everyone is calling him Benito now and less as Bad Bunny. Then NSLQVPM is the battle between both. X100Pre - I will always be me, I will always be Bad Bunny YHLQMDLG - I'm going to do me, I'm going to do Bad Bunny EUTDM - This is the last tour as Bad Bunny UVST - A summer without Bad Bunny, I'm now Benito. NSLQVPM - The fight between Bad Bunny and Benito. Who is the most wanted one? |
2024.05.13 02:31 rakoteh Trying not to get my hopes up, despite heading in a good direction (long story about my journey)
Oh geeze, I didn't realize how LONG this was going to be. I finished typing and went back to the top to proofread for any typos and I figured I'd put this at the top to save anyone the long read if they weren't interested 😂 just a rambling mood I guess. Rules said I can mention vaccines on a personal account but it honestly has nothing to do with my POTS diagnosis journey and was merely mentioned in passing. I can remove that part if need be though!
As someone with official mental health conditions (bipolar II, anxiety, depression, cptsd, audhd), anything physical has been blamed on any one of these. I've constantly been ignored, belittled, and dismissed for years. I'm used to having my hopes crushed and this diagnosis process is no different, despite good signs.
I(30afab/nb) didn't experience dysautonomia symptoms until after I got Covid at the end of 2022. It was pretty much a matter of time as I work in healthcare but I did my best to avoid it. It was a rough time as my husband had it as well because he also works in healthcare. He most likely got it from me, though, oops. But anyways, despite being a Guinea pig and getting the first wave of the Pfizer vaccines, we both still got it pretty bad. No one had to be hospitalized but it was definitely worse than my severe bacterial pneumonia when I was a little kid.
2023 was a bad year, honestly, from the very beginning. I thought my anxiety was at an all-time high. Heart palpitations, breathlessness, fatigue. I experienced these symptoms during high stress many times throughout my life but never that bad nor that constant. But, with my mental health being a constant blame, I just expressed this to my psychiatrist and he put me on propranolol with the therapeutic dose for anxiety. It helped tremendously and I managed to get through the rest of winter and spring with a level of fatigue that I just continued to struggle through. When summer hit, though, that's when the train wreck happened I work in healthcare, yes, but I don't interact with the residents directly. I'm actually in the dietary department and work in a kitchen. Already a horrible place to work for someone who has POTS. Long periods of standing, constantly exposed to high temperatures, reaching up, bending over, lifting... You know, the things you want to avoid. But especially that summer - the exhaust system broke within the first 85°F day. And it was never fixed until literally a week after I quit in the beginning of September. So I worked in 80° to literally 95° heat four days (30hrs) a week. I suffered through the entire summer with what I thought were symptoms of heat exhaustion. I did my best to stay cool - broke dress code with shorts and light t-shirts (was never corrected otherwise), shaved my head completely bald, used neck fans and cooling towels, lots of gatorade but honestly in that heat, it barely made a dent. I was also on a few medications that lower my heat tolerance even more. About a month into the summer, I actually got off the propranolol in favor of a different medication that would replace a few of the ones I already took to lessen the amount of medication I took. That was a huge mistake because it is very well known to significantly lower heat tolerance. I tried to communicate that the facility really needed to fix the exhaust but I was met with resistance and brushed off. Not only was I making a fuss for myself but my coworkers as well. They were handling it a lot better than me but they were struggling, too. The solution that was given were fans that just blew hot air around. By the end of the summer, I was fed up and quit for a different job. Which was horrible and a mistake on it's own. But I was reluctant for so long because I knew I was going to lose my health insurance and needed it to keep getting refills sent for my meds, especially my bipolar medication. It's not something you want to quit cold turkey and would take forever to work up to the dose I was on to avoid a serious adverse reaction.
Late fall/early winter I quit the new job and came back to the one I quit and still work today. But that's also when dysautonomia and POTS came onto my radar. Don't judge but the TikTok algorithm for my fyp started to give me videos from a person who is a huge advocate and educator on both POTS and hEDS. I knew I was hypermobile so I did stay for her videos for the advice specifically for the hypermobility. But because she also talked about POTS, I started to connect the dots. I was experiencing too many of the symptoms to brush it off. But I mean, I did brush it off for a while. I didn't want to be "one of those" types of people. But when I started to read up and research it on my own, I started to think that maybe I should look into it, especially after reading a few articles of it appearing more due to Long Covid.
When I ended up in the ER twice in a week due to what felt like heart attack symptoms, I was brushed off, told I was dehydrated and it was anxiety. I did have some propranolol left over from switching meds so I gave it a try again and bam, my symptoms were tolerable. I saw my new PCP a few weeks after the ER fiasco and she listened to me. She validated me and put in referrals, she started me on the right path and actually had me wear a heart monitor for two weeks for the cardiologist to go over before I had the appointment a few months later.
That was the best thing for me. I journaled every single time I pressed the button with what I was doing at the time. Low and behold, it was mainly when I changed positions, stood for a long period of time, bent overeached up and walked up stairs. A few times were after showers, and walking short distances. I didn't realize how telling that all was until I saw my cardiologist. He took my history and listened to me as I explained my symptoms. When he took out the results of my monitor, he asked what I was doing as I wore it and I read off my journaling. My readings were frequently between 150-160, 169 being the highest (I bent over for too long and nearly met the floor when I straightened up) I never mentioned POTS or dysautonomia but after I was done talking, he immediately asked if I heard of POTS. I was blown away, not once did he mention my mental health. He said that he strongly believes my symptoms were strong indicators for POTS but he ordered an echo to rule out any physical problems. He also put me on 25mg of metoprolol twice a day instead of propranolol, instructed me to wear compression socks, and keep hydrated with electrolytes.
Got the results of my echo a few days ago and there's really nothing wrong physically. I see him again at the end of June and I guess we'll see where we go from there. Maybe a TTT? Referral to neuro? Diagnosis? Idk but it's nice to have someone who listened.
Sorry this is a dang novel, I've been holding off on sharing for a while now.
submitted by rakoteh to POTS [link] [comments]
As someone with official mental health conditions (bipolar II, anxiety, depression, cptsd, audhd), anything physical has been blamed on any one of these. I've constantly been ignored, belittled, and dismissed for years. I'm used to having my hopes crushed and this diagnosis process is no different, despite good signs.
I(30afab/nb) didn't experience dysautonomia symptoms until after I got Covid at the end of 2022. It was pretty much a matter of time as I work in healthcare but I did my best to avoid it. It was a rough time as my husband had it as well because he also works in healthcare. He most likely got it from me, though, oops. But anyways, despite being a Guinea pig and getting the first wave of the Pfizer vaccines, we both still got it pretty bad. No one had to be hospitalized but it was definitely worse than my severe bacterial pneumonia when I was a little kid.
2023 was a bad year, honestly, from the very beginning. I thought my anxiety was at an all-time high. Heart palpitations, breathlessness, fatigue. I experienced these symptoms during high stress many times throughout my life but never that bad nor that constant. But, with my mental health being a constant blame, I just expressed this to my psychiatrist and he put me on propranolol with the therapeutic dose for anxiety. It helped tremendously and I managed to get through the rest of winter and spring with a level of fatigue that I just continued to struggle through. When summer hit, though, that's when the train wreck happened I work in healthcare, yes, but I don't interact with the residents directly. I'm actually in the dietary department and work in a kitchen. Already a horrible place to work for someone who has POTS. Long periods of standing, constantly exposed to high temperatures, reaching up, bending over, lifting... You know, the things you want to avoid. But especially that summer - the exhaust system broke within the first 85°F day. And it was never fixed until literally a week after I quit in the beginning of September. So I worked in 80° to literally 95° heat four days (30hrs) a week. I suffered through the entire summer with what I thought were symptoms of heat exhaustion. I did my best to stay cool - broke dress code with shorts and light t-shirts (was never corrected otherwise), shaved my head completely bald, used neck fans and cooling towels, lots of gatorade but honestly in that heat, it barely made a dent. I was also on a few medications that lower my heat tolerance even more. About a month into the summer, I actually got off the propranolol in favor of a different medication that would replace a few of the ones I already took to lessen the amount of medication I took. That was a huge mistake because it is very well known to significantly lower heat tolerance. I tried to communicate that the facility really needed to fix the exhaust but I was met with resistance and brushed off. Not only was I making a fuss for myself but my coworkers as well. They were handling it a lot better than me but they were struggling, too. The solution that was given were fans that just blew hot air around. By the end of the summer, I was fed up and quit for a different job. Which was horrible and a mistake on it's own. But I was reluctant for so long because I knew I was going to lose my health insurance and needed it to keep getting refills sent for my meds, especially my bipolar medication. It's not something you want to quit cold turkey and would take forever to work up to the dose I was on to avoid a serious adverse reaction.
Late fall/early winter I quit the new job and came back to the one I quit and still work today. But that's also when dysautonomia and POTS came onto my radar. Don't judge but the TikTok algorithm for my fyp started to give me videos from a person who is a huge advocate and educator on both POTS and hEDS. I knew I was hypermobile so I did stay for her videos for the advice specifically for the hypermobility. But because she also talked about POTS, I started to connect the dots. I was experiencing too many of the symptoms to brush it off. But I mean, I did brush it off for a while. I didn't want to be "one of those" types of people. But when I started to read up and research it on my own, I started to think that maybe I should look into it, especially after reading a few articles of it appearing more due to Long Covid.
When I ended up in the ER twice in a week due to what felt like heart attack symptoms, I was brushed off, told I was dehydrated and it was anxiety. I did have some propranolol left over from switching meds so I gave it a try again and bam, my symptoms were tolerable. I saw my new PCP a few weeks after the ER fiasco and she listened to me. She validated me and put in referrals, she started me on the right path and actually had me wear a heart monitor for two weeks for the cardiologist to go over before I had the appointment a few months later.
That was the best thing for me. I journaled every single time I pressed the button with what I was doing at the time. Low and behold, it was mainly when I changed positions, stood for a long period of time, bent overeached up and walked up stairs. A few times were after showers, and walking short distances. I didn't realize how telling that all was until I saw my cardiologist. He took my history and listened to me as I explained my symptoms. When he took out the results of my monitor, he asked what I was doing as I wore it and I read off my journaling. My readings were frequently between 150-160, 169 being the highest (I bent over for too long and nearly met the floor when I straightened up) I never mentioned POTS or dysautonomia but after I was done talking, he immediately asked if I heard of POTS. I was blown away, not once did he mention my mental health. He said that he strongly believes my symptoms were strong indicators for POTS but he ordered an echo to rule out any physical problems. He also put me on 25mg of metoprolol twice a day instead of propranolol, instructed me to wear compression socks, and keep hydrated with electrolytes.
Got the results of my echo a few days ago and there's really nothing wrong physically. I see him again at the end of June and I guess we'll see where we go from there. Maybe a TTT? Referral to neuro? Diagnosis? Idk but it's nice to have someone who listened.
Sorry this is a dang novel, I've been holding off on sharing for a while now.
2024.05.13 00:24 adriancha Mi Madre me Hecho de Casa hace 2 Años por su Novio Historias de Reddit #reddit
 | 11922.86Mi Madre me Hecho de Casa hace 2 Años por su Novio Historias de Reddit #redditCésar Arturo Ramosmaison margiela! 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2024.05.12 21:57 Haunting-Band-2763 Hazbin Hotel- E1 S1: Overture (Gender swap)
(An animation shows black and white clouds parting) Charles: (Off-screen) Once upon a time, there was a glowing city protected by golden gates known as Heaven. It was ruled by beings of pure light. Angels that worshipped good and shielded all from evil. Lucy was one of these angels. She was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But she was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt her way of thinking was dangerous to the perder of their world. So she watched as the angels began to expand the universe in their ways. From the dust of Earth, they created Eve (I couldn't think of a female name that looked like Adam) and Lilian. Equals as the first of mankind, but despite this, Eve demanded control and Lilian refused to submit to her will. He fled the garden. Drawn in by his fierce independence, Lucy found him and the two rebellious dreamers fell deeply in love. Together, they wished to share the magic of free will with humanity, offering the fruit of knowledge to Eve's new groom, Adam, who gladly accepted. But this gift came with a curse. For the single act of disobedience, evil finally found its way into Earth. With it, a new realm of darkness and sin. And the order Heaven had worked to maintain was shattered. As punishment for their reckless act, Heaven cast Lucy and her love into the dark pit she had created, never allowing her to see the good that came from humanity, only the cruel and the wicked. Ashamed, Lucy lost her will to dream. But Lilian thrived, empowering demon-kind with his voice and his songs. And as the numbers of Hell grew, so did its power. Threatened by this, Heaven made a truly heartless decision. That every year, they would send down an army, an extermination to ensure Hell and its sinners could never rise against them. But Lilian's hope remained. And his dream was passed down to their precious son, the Prince of Hell. (The prince shuts the "Story Of Hell" book) (On-screen) Don't worry, Dad. I'll make you proud. (He holds a key) Vagner: Charles? Charles: Augh! (The key turns into a cat) Oh, shit. Did you hear all that? Vagner: Uh... Yeah, I was right there. Charles: Sorry. I get worked up after an extermination happens. This story helps. Vagner: (chuckles) I know. Don't worry. I enjoy your theatrics. Are you okay? Charles: I'm fine, just...Thinking, ya know, family stuff. Vagner: Did you hear from your dad yet? (Charles shakes his head saying no) Vagner: Oof. How long has it been now? Charles: Not that long, only...Seven...Years...Off something important, I'm sure. But this kingdom was something he really cared about. Something I care about. Vagner: Well, at least you aren't alone. Charles: I just hope what I'm trying to do here will work. Vagner: It will. I have faith in you. (The cat hopes on Charles) Vagner: All right. Come on. Alice says she has something to show us. (Vagner heads to the door and Charles look out of the window and see Hell on fire and goes) (A commercial plays) Alice: Well, hello there you wayward sinner. Do you like blood, violence and depravity of a sexual nature? Of course you do. That's why you're in Hell! But what would you say there was a place to stay that had none of that? Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded five days ago by Lucy's delusional son Charleson Morningstar! Come place your fate in his inexperienced hands as he tries to work through his mommy issues by fixing you! Here, we offer fun thing! Such as somewhat functional staff! And 24 hour Pest Control! Custom rooms, and just look at this tacky parlor! Enjoy riveting conversation with our singular resident. Wow! All this and more at the Hazbin Hotel! You last desperate attempt at salvation starts here. (The tv suits off) Alice: So, what'd ya' think? Vagner: I'm sorry, what the fuck was that?! Charles: Uh, yeah, one note...Alice, I mean...First off, thank you so much for making this, seriously, amazing, but um...maybe the tone is a bit...Off? We want people to want to come here, this makes it look...ummm... Vagner: Bad. The word you're looking for is "bad". Alice: Funny, I was going for hilarious! Vagner: It didn't explain anything about how we're trying to save demons from extermination, which is the whole fucking point. Charles: Vagner is right, Alice. The commercial was to let sinners know we are trying to help them. Alice: Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time, and everyone remembers me from my radio show! The proper medium to express oneself! But YOU insisted on this noisy picture box adversiment! So I had a little fun with it. Vagner: Oh, fun? You had a little fun with it? (Stand on the sofa) Well, this is not what we want to represent us. When you showed up here a week ago, you told us you would help run the hotel! Instead, you're mocking us. Nobody's going to want to come to a place that a powerful overlord like you thinks is a waste of time! (A demon on a sofa raises her hand) Vagner: What? Angela: If'n ya filmin' a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here? Vagner: Angela, you're a porn star. Angela: A famous porn star. I'll have the horniest sinners knockin' these walls down to get in. Vagner: We are not filming a porn as a commercial. Angela: Why not? Sex sells, don't it? I swear if you film me goin' at it with mistress fancy talk-creepy voice here, you'd rollin' in participants willin' to stay at this tacky hotel. Alice: Haha! Never going to happen! Charles: Angela, I appreciate you wanting to use you special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but...I really don't want to exploit you, in that way! Angela: Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity-- Oh-oh I got the legs! The gag reflex, the holes... (Charles laughs uncomfortably and his phone rings with his mom calling) Angela: The small tits that make everyone think I'm a man... Charle: Uhhh, hold that thought. I'll be right back! (Walks away) Angela: I could keep goin' all night, baby. (Charles breathes and answers the phone) Charles: Hello? Mom? Angela: Hey, I have a question. If freaky face over there is so powerful, then why can't she just make people stay here? Alice: Oh, trust me, (ominously) I can! Hisky: Why the hell do you think I'm here? (The camera goes to Hisky) Hisky: You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fuck's bitches moan all the time if she wasn't forcin' me? Niffter: I like being forced! Hisky: Keep that to yourself, Niff. Angela: What, you don't like being here with me, Whiskers? Hisky: Call me "Whiskers" again and I'll that bottle down your throat. Angela: Kinky. But I like pussies. But keep talkin' dirty. Vagner: Ugh, Angela, let Hisky do her job. And no, we can't force sinners to stay here. They need to choose to. Angela: I'm choosing to be here, and I think is all stupid. We're in Hell, toots. It's kind of the end of the road, ain't it? Vagner: Well, maybe it doesn't have to be. Just because nobody has made it before doesn't mean is not possible. (Angela pust her arm in his shoulder) Angela: Hey, whatever means I can keep crashin' here rent free. Crack is expensive. Charles: (excitedly) Yeah, I acn totally. Yeah, I'll head over there right away...Okay. (Turns off the phone) Hah! YES! YES!!Hahahaha!! Vagner! Holy shit! Vagner: Ahh! What?! Charles: (through closed mouth) Get over here! (Vagner sighs and goes to where Charles is) Vagner: What's going on? Charles: (Inhales) My mom just called. She said that the leader of the Angel Army wants to meet. She asked if I could go instead. (Breathes deeply) Vagner: But... But-- But tbe extermination just happened. What would they want this soon after... Charles: (Singing) I can do this. Somehow, I know it I'll get Heaven behind my plan! Vagner: Charles, hold on. Charles: There's just no way I could blow it. Not this once a lifetime change! Vagner: It's just a meeting. Charles: To change their minds. And touch their hearts. Or whatever angels have. Vagner: This could be bad. Charles: Cheer up, Vagner. This could be swell. Something tells that today will be a happy day in Hell! Vagner: Okay, but just don't... sing to them. Angela: That motherfucker is halfway down the street. Vagner: Is he... Angela: Oh, he's dancin'. Vagner: Ugh, no. Charles: There's a warm fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air! Every street so revealing it's hard not to stare. It's a realm so appealing it beats anywhere! If you don't mind the smell! It's a happy day in Hell! Hi, miss! Demon: Go fuck yourself! Dead Sinner #1: There's a endless trash fire that's burnig my soul! Charles: Hello! Imp: There's a lot of barbed wire to shove in her holes! Charles: Uh, excuse me... Executioner: Doing what is required we all have a role! Dead Sinner #2: I'm not doing well! Ensemble: Another shitty day in Hell! Charles: If I can show them the dream I've dreamed, that any soul can change! Vagner: Those angels minds are hard to change! Charles: Then they know that everyone can be redeemed from the evil to the strange! Vagner: They're bloodthirsty and deranged! Charles: I can hear all their stories, the lost and the displaced! And I know that they're of an acquired taste! But if I open the door and give them a place at my Hazbin Hotel it'll be a happy day in Hell! (Jumps in the back of a truck) From the porn studio where the cinephiles go to watch award winning demon bukkake shows to the Cannibal Town where they don't wear a frown 'cause...Holy shit, ew, my gosh, why?! And I don't give a crow that her brains got in my eye! Cause I know I can spare them from Heaven's genocide! I can do this... Dead Sinner #1: There's an endless trash fire... Charles: I just know it! Dead Sinner #1: That's burnig my soul! Chorus: Ah! Charles: I'll get Heaven behind my plans! There's just no way I could blow it! Demon Sinner #3: I kinda like the barbed wire that's shoved in my hole! Charles: Not this once in a lifetime chance! To change their minds! Trenchcoat Demon: And touch my parts! Charles: Oh...No, thank you. I'm just gonna...Fullfill my destiny! Trenchcoat Demon: Your loss fucker! Charles: I can already tell! Today is gonna be a fucking happy day in Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell! (Charles enters at the lobby) Charles: Hello? (echoes) Hello? Creepy...(He goes to the reception, rings the bell in the table and a paper and a feather pen appear in front of him) Oh, okay! Also creepy. (Signs the paper) (Elevator doors open, Charles goes to them and enters in a dark room) Charles: Hello? Is anyone here? (The lights turn on) Eve: 'Sup? Charles: Holy shit! (Falls in the floor and gets up) Hi, I'm Charles. My mom asked if I could meet you. Eve: Yeah, I know. Charles: Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. (Stands his hand) Eve: Totally. Nice to meet you, too. (Stands her hand) (Charles hand passes through Eve's hand) Charles: Ahh! Eve: Ha! I fucking got you! Did you fuckin' see that? (Luther shaves his head in yes) Eve: Good shit! Charles: Uh, so wait, you aren't here? Eve: No, you think I'd come down there? (Laughs) No. I mean, I love the vibe, totally, I love your tunes. Pretty fuckin' hardcore, don't get me wrong. But, it's such a bummer, man. Everything down there's just so "eugh" ya know? (Chuckles) Ew. Charles: Right. So I'm happy we got this opportunity to meet. There's a project I've been working on that I really want to talk to you about...(Eve puts her finger in his mouth) Eve: Hey, hey, hey, slow down. We got time. How about we get to know each other, mm? How about some lunch? You hungry? I got you! (Shows a plate with ribs) Here's my personal favourite. You'll love it. My husband's receipe. Charles: Uh, thanks! (His arms passes through the plate of ribs) Eve: (Laughing) I got you again, fucker! Haha fuckin' hilarious! Haha! (Back at the Hazbin Hotel, everyone is at the lobby) Vagner: Okay, so Charles is dealing with something very important, so while he's gone, we are making a new commercial. One that representants his vision and what we're doing here. So we need a camera. Alice? (Alice snaps her fingers and an old camera appears in Vagner's hand) Vagner: a video camera. Alice: Hmm? (Snaps her fingers) (A video camera appears in Vagner's hand) Vagner: All right, let's do this! (Vagner films Angela sitting at the bar) Vagner: And...Action! Hisky: "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, can I help you with anything?" Angela: "I've been a bad girl. And I need a big strong mommy to put me in my place...On the path to redemption!" Hisky: Ugh! "Well, you come..." Angela: "Oh yes!" Hisky: (boredly) "To the right place!" Vagner: Cut! Okay, Angela, I need you to be less horny, if possible. And Hisky, can you maybe not have a script in front of your face? Hisky: (Angrily) I ain't no actress, I can't memorize this shit! Angela: Well, we could improve this shit, baby cakes! (Purrs seductively and Hisky push her out of the counter) Ahh! Hisky: Whoops. (Drink a bottle) Vagner: Hisky, come on! (Meanwhile, Charles is bored) Eve: So I was playing this gig, and for some fucking reason this virtue boy was digging on the drummer, and it's like, do you know who I am? I'm fucking Eve. I'm the original pussy! All pussies descend from me. You think you drummer pussy? No way, I'm the Pussy-fucking master! (Eats sloppily) So anyway, then we fucked, and it was awesome. What'd you do this weekend? Charles: Wait, your name is Eve? Like the first woman? That means you...Ohhh...(Enlightened) That explains so much. Eve: I know. I fucking rock. Charles: Well, Eve, ma'am. Mrs. Eve, ma'am. Eve: Call me Pussymaster. Charles: Eve, you seem like a smart...well, stand up girl. Eve: (With the finger in her teeth) Uh-huh. Charles: And I know you are the leader of the angels. And you are a bigger, a revolutionary, a...A genius! Eve: I maen, yout words, babe. Charles: Who would really her name on something. Eve: Fucking love putting my name on shit! Shit's the best! Charles: It's a solution to our biggest problem! Eve: Oh, herpes. Yeah, that's a bitch. Charles: No! Our other biggest problem. Eve: Oh, uh...Ugly people? (Looks the camera) Math? Global warming? Nah, wait that's Earth's problem. Umm... (At the hotel, a bug walks in the floor and a needle tries to stab it) Niffter: Hehehe. Stab. Stab. Stab. Vagner: Alright Niffter. Niffter? Niffter! (Stops him) Your line is "We have the cleanest rooms". Okay? Niffter: Got it. I'm ready. Vagner: (Turns on the camera) Action! (Niffter looks at the camera with his pupil constricted and Angela and Vagner look at him confused) Vagner: Uhh...Cut. (Turns off the camera) (Niffter smiles again) Niffter: (Giggles) How was that? Vagner: Well, Niffter, you actually have to say the line. So let's roll again. Niffter: Okay! Vagner: Action. (Niffter stares deeply at the camera) Angela: You're doing great, Vaginer! Vagner: Cut! Alright, um, maybe wr can try to fix it in the post. Angela: Do you even know what that means? Vagner: (Angrily) I'll figure it out! (In lobby, Vagner is watching the video with the camera connected to the tv) Hisky: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. (Vagner groans, covers his eyes and Alice appears in his side) Alice: Seems like you're having a bit of trouble there, hm? Vagner: Ugh, esta pendeja...Why are you even here? Alice: For the entertainment! I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and fail spectacularly. Like you are doing now! Good job! Vagner: (Turns on the camera) And here is Alastor, the egocentric piece pf shit that... (Alice gets static on the camera and it starts to spark and Vagner screams and knocks the camera down) Alice: I wouldn't try that, my darling. (Sinisterly) This face was made for radio. Vagner: (Gets angry) That's it! I don't care who or what you are! If you are staying here you are going to make this work! Beause it won't be so "entertaining" to watch an empty hotel will it, shitass?! (Turns around and walks away) Alice: Fair enough. I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal. Vagner: Pft! You think I'm that stupid? Making a deal with a demon like you. Alice: Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again. Or...Charles can come back to absolutely nothing! Your choice. Vagner: (Sighs) Fine. (Gets the video camera and raises in Alice's hand and green ghosted skulls fly around it) Alice: Now then! (Makes the camera disappear and snaps her fingers) (Angela, Hisky and Niffter, a lot of filming materials and a ghost recording team appear in the lobby and everyone gets tailor clothes) Vagner: Alright, everyone! Let's make a fucking commercial. (Meanwhile) Eve:...When you take him out for the fifth time and he still expects you to pay the check, but you're like, (In deep voice) "Hey I thought you wanted equality"! Charles: (Frustrated) No! Our shared problem of overpopulation in Hell! Eve: (Normal) Ohh! Well, that's not a problem! We got that covered! Luther, how many demons did you kill this year? Luther: Got a good 275 this year, ma'am. Eve: 275? Whoa, badass! Awesome job, danger dick! Pound it. (Punch fists with Lute) Charles: Uh, no, not awesome. Those are my people, you know that, right? Eve: Ohhh, yeah...That must suck for you. Pft...Hahahaha! Charles: But these are souls. Human souls, just the same as the ones you have in Heaven. Luther: They're not the same. They had their chance and they earned damnation. Charles: You're wrong. Sinners made mistakes, sure, but everyone makes mistakes. Luther: Angels don't make mistakes. Charles: You really think that? Luther: I know that. Eve: Yeah, I've never made a mistake in my fucking life. Luther: The only reason you're still here is because Mommy gave you and your Hellborn-kind a pardon from an exorcist blade. How does that feel? To know how little you matter. (Charles shrinks back) Eve: Oops, almost out of time. Guess we should get into it... Charles: Oh! Fuck!...(Get up from the chair) Okay. I've a lot to get through and not a lot of time and I feel like you weren't really hearing before, so here goes. (Clears throat) (Singing) I know Hell's population is out of control. It's a bad situation, it's taking a toll. If we rehabe these sinners and cleanse all their souls at my Hazbin Hotel! (Normal) Wait I'm getting ahead of myself! Right! Extermination! (Singing) I know you guys fly down just to kill once a year. And it must be annoying to schlep all the way here. If they join you in Heaven that trip disappears! You can wave that chore farewell! (Deep breath) It'll be a happy day in... Eve: (Singing) Let me stop you right there, save us all precious time! Charles: (Normal) Okay? Eve: If what you're suggesting is letting them climb! Up the ladder. Oh they rather cross the Pearly Gates! Sorry, sweetie, but there's no defying in their fates! 'Cause Hell is forever wheter you like it or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot! 'Cause the rules are black and white there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again! Charles: Okay, but... Eve: Just try to chillax, babe, you're wasting your breath! Charles: (Nervously) Hehe... Eve: Did I hear you imply that they deserve death? Are they winners? Are they sinners? 'Cause it's cut and dry! Charles: Actually, if you take a look... Eve: Fair is fair, an eye for an eye! And when all's said and done! (Said and done) There's the question of fun! (Fun) And for those of us with divine ordainment, extermination is entertainment! (Imitates guitar) Guitar solo, fuck yeah! (Imitates guitar) Hell is forever wheter you like or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot! Charles: Where all this people come from? Eve: 'Cause the rules are black and white, there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again! (materializes a guitar and play it) Fucking Hell is forever and it's meant to suck a lot! So give up your dumb endeavor 'cause you don't have a shot! (Charles groans, his paper gets on fire and his hair moves in the air and horns appear in his head) Eve: Long as I've got your attention, I guess In should probably mention that we made a determination (Shows a contract) To move up the next extermination! Charles: Can't wait a whole year to slaughter those little cunts! (Hold Charles' wrist) I know is just been a week, but we'll be back in six months! (Spins Charles out of the room and plays her guitar) Charles: Um, wait, didn't you...(Goes at the door, but it closes) Awh, shit! (Punches the door) (Charles returns sad to the Hazbin Hotel) Vagner: Charles! (Hugs him) How did it go? Did they listen? Charles: Oh, uh...They sure did...hear it! But, um... Vagner: Oh! Come here. We have something exciting to show you! (Holds Charles to the living room) Alice pulled some strings, and it's about to air. Alice: I pulled a few limbs too! Hahaha! Charles: Wait? The commercial? You all made a new one? Angela: Yeah, one of my better performances, if I do can say so myself. Charles: That's...That's amazing. Angela: Shh! It's starting! Vagner: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hot... (The TV changes to the 666 News channel and everyone complains) Kallie: (On TV) Breaking news in Hell today! We have just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next extermination is happening sooner than ever before! Do you know what that means, Tomita? Tomita: No. What does that means, Kallie? Kallie: It means we are all royally fucked! (The clock in an hourglass changes to 176 with everyone screaming) Angela: Wait...What? Why?! (A drone laser scans a headless body of an angel laying in Hell and Eve and Luther see then from the ship) Luther: We found the body, ma'am. They've never managed to kill one of us before. We should just go down there now and destroy them! Eve: No, no. We can't risk them catching on. But don't worry, when we come back, there won't be a demon left to pull a stunt like this again. (Breaks the projector and her eyes and mouth glow in the dark) (The end credits start playing)
Sorry, Vivziepop, I had to
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Sorry, Vivziepop, I had to