Introduction

Pertaining to Taylor Swift, "Female Rage" has deviated from its intended meaning after Swift debuted a new performance of The Tortured Poets Department during the Eras Tour. Now, according to Swift's use of the phrase, female rage is interpreted as public backlash against Swift's dating choices rather than as a response to the broader injustices against women and women's rights. This post examines Taylor Swift's flawed feminism, philanthropy, branding, and the controversial trademark petition for the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical". Swift's background as an entertainer, indeterminate politics, and alignment with capitalism over feminism pervades her legacy, again threatening her public tolerance as not just an individual but as a brand.

Once Upon a Female Rage...

If you were cognizant in the early 2010's, you've heard countless jabs at Taylor Swift in the media. Magazines, radio, or online. Music critics did not take her seriously as a songwriter; parents put a woman on an unrealistic pedestal as the ideal role model for their children; she dated too much and used men as lyrical fodder. No matter the story, it inevitably spread, conjoined with everyone's respective opinions, and you'd be left to wonder, "Why does everyone hate this girl so much?"
Taylor's target demographic has always been young or adolescent girls, more so when Swift herself was one. She made music that spoke to the awkward misfit, cultivating a para-social relationship with fans on MySpace, then later twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, where Taylor posted relatable vlogs showcasing the life of a homegrown American girl. Taylor had a delayed public "growing up" and, compared to her female pop contemporaries, Swift never "gratuitously sexualized her image and seems pathologically averse to controversy" (and, apparently, never even had a sip of alcohol until she turned 21). She was more than happy to spin this narrative to allude to an inherent moral superiority above other women in the industry (Better Than Revenge, heard of it?), engaging in the very slut-shaming that she herself endured (the Madonna and Whore archetypes). The victim complex arose with the need to prove Taylor as a different type of pop girl. Based upon her holy and clean image, Swift had been dubbed "a feminist's nightmare", and that "[To Swift] other girls are obstacles; undeserving enemies who steal Taylor’s soulmates with their bewitching good looks and sexual availability." Feminism and Tennessee-Christian country values don't exactly mix, it seems.
Years later, Swift befriended Lena Dunham and thus experienced white feminism osmosis, where Dunham taught Swift that real feminists defend rapists, makes insensitive jokes about rape and abortion, and prioritize all-white casts. Swift then declared herself a feminist in 2014, saying,

"Becoming friends with Lena – without her preaching to me, but just seeing why she believes what she believes, why she says what she says, why she stands for what she stands for – has made me realize that I’ve been taking a feminist stance without actually saying so."

I suppose the male-centric songwriting subject that permeates Swift's discography contained covert feminism and that we just didn't see that. Perhaps, the "Bad Blood" song and music video were written only in jest and not about poor Katy Perry, for Swift, as a feminist, would "never make it a girl fight" or tear other women down (though all Katy did was date your terrible ex-boyfriend and allegedly steal three backup dancers from your tour). In 2013, Swift said, in response to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's joke towards her serial dating, "There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."
There was that time in 2015 Taylor said that Nicki Minaj was "invited to any stage [she is] on" (as if Taylor expects to have access to every stage, award, and platform that Nicki might not otherwise have as a black female artist...yikes!) in response to Nicki's criticism of the white + thin VMA nominations. Later, Nicki responded with confusion, as Swift continued, "It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot..". Of course, this 'beef' was 'squashed' when Nicki performed with Taylor at the VMAs, with Nicki quite literally only having 38 seconds of stage time without Taylor. Maybe all that parading around with a legion of famous white women - similar to the way Taylor might've done with her numerous 1989-era handbags - was in fact a stance against gender inequality, and that this display of "girl power" should be enough to constitute Swift as a feminist icon.
Even while Swift says that Dunham informed her feminist outlook, she dances around the exact contents of those beliefs: "what she believes, what she says, what she stands for" is not exactly insightful towards what beliefs Swift might have inherited. Taylor never broaches women's rights topics such femicide, FGM, forced pregnancy & marriage, sex trafficking, women in slavery, women's financial and political oppression, women's educational rights, women's health, or women's autonomy, so we can assume she only gives a fuck about "girls supporting girls" (whatever that fucking means).
Despite some questionable (and sometimes vindictive) behavior, Taylor as a young woman did not deserve every media lashing that she received. We cannot deny that most headlines and criticisms perpetuated a misogynistic rhetoric which has plagued Swift for a majority of her career. Acknowledging events such as the development of her ED, her sexual assault trial, "Famous" lyric and MV depiction of Taylor, and the explicit Twitter deepfakes, for example, as both disgusting and unfortunate things that happened to a young woman in Hollywood does not negate the fact that Taylor is mostly a performative feminist.

Get Your Fucking Ass Up and Be a Philanthropist, It Seems Like Nobody Wants to Be a Philanthropist These Days

In 2013, Taylor Swift cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the Taylor Swift Education Center at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, Tennessee. The donation amount - $4 million - was the largest individual artist gift ever donated to the Country Music Hall of Fame, which is, of course, mentioned on Swift's website. The two-story facility features three classrooms, an instrument room, and an interactive children's exhibit gallery. Swift also performed at "All for the Hall" charity shows and has donated numerous artifacts from her career (such as notable guitars, tour costumes, etc) to the museum.
This was over 11 years ago, and it is still the only notable philanthropic contribution Taylor Swift has made.
For a woman of her net worth and stature, and a woman who recognizes the difficulties for women in film and music, you would think that Taylor Swift might establish a scholarship program for women to study the arts or something. Perhaps Swift might even consider becoming a member of organizations that support female artists, or one that supports LGBTQ+ causes (since she is now proudly an ally), yet she remains superficial with her graces. Broader philanthropy, such as donating relief aid to Palestinian women or women impacted by violence and discrimination will probably never receive any financial support from Miss Swift because then she'd be using her money towards philanthropies involving anyone but white entertainers.
She even says herself in Miss Americana, "My entire moral code as a kid and now is a need to be thought of as 'good'." Well, she's certainly thought of as good, though her actions say otherwise. She's more than happy to do a vaguely altruistic song and dance for a clip-worthy interview quote and mass appeasement, then fuck off to one of her mansions on a 20 minute private jet flight, rather than actually contribute to anything pertaining to the causes she has endorsed. Yet, far too many people continue to give a woman such as her their money, time, and energy, and she hoards these resources to herself.

I Like Some of the Taylor's Songs, But What the Fuck Does She Know About Feminism?

Swift continued with her self-proclaimed feminist campaign, positioning herself as a political activist and LGBTQ+ ally in the Miss Americana documentary. The primary focus of the documentary consists of the sexual assault trial, Andrea Swift's cancer diagnosis, Taylor's ED and body dysmorphia, media scrutiny, and, largely, finally speaking up about her politics publicly, mostly her opposition to the 2018 Tennessee Republican senate candidate, Marsha Blackburn, and Blackburn's beliefs. Swift says, following a scene discussing her experience during the trial,

"I just couldn't really stop thinking about it. And I just thought to myself, next time there is any opportunity to change anything, you had better know what you stand for and what you want to say."

We must ask ourselves, though: when has Swift ever spoken up to change anything? Okay, pulling her entire catalogue from Spotify because they didn't pay their artists enough and similarly pulling her catalogue from Apple Music are changes that she leveraged due to her revenue potential and power, but they are not pertinent to the average woman's rights. Moreover, these are issues that directly impacted Taylor's income, which was enough reason for her to protest in the first place. Swift has sold the most units for a female artist in first week sales, is the first female artist with 100k monthly Spotify listeners, is the first female artist to win the Album of the Year Grammy 4 times, and is the first female artist to do X, Y, and Z, all while being inoffensive and family-friendly to boot. The actual Taylor Swift seems unwilling to compromise the brand of Taylor Swift by contributing in meaningful ways to feminist causes, especially if it is for women outside of America and Hollywood.
The reason political anthems such as "The Man" and "Only the Young" of the Lover era feel disingenuous and corporate is because, well, it is. Taylor has taken every opportunity to advance her career or public image at the expense of other women. What is truly genuine to Taylor's outlook on other women is vying for male attention, taking down female competition, and vocalizing feminist injustices only if they directly impact her and her money. Some will argue that it's satisfactory for a woman with such a huge platform to even TALK about feminism, but that just isn't enough. It's even less impressive when you candidly look at the scope of her feminist lens: "If I was the man, then I'd be THE MAN", or "I really resent the ‘Be careful, buddy, she’s going to write a song about you’ angle, because it trivialises what I do", and, of course, "We all got crowns". Feminism, but only when it happens to me. It gets worse when you look at Taylor's track record of copying other famous women and removing other female artists as potential threats to her pop prowess.
It's good for PR to align yourself with certain blanket feminist and political beliefs, therefore good for branding, therefore good for ticketing and merchandise sales, therefore good for business. And Taylor Swift is a business.
She's not a feminist. Taylor Swift is a capitalist.

I Can't Pay Those Sweatshop Workers a Livable Wage or Benefits! How Else Would I Make My Billions?

Recently, Taylor's team filed to trademark the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical" after Taylor said during Paris N1 of the Eras Tour,

"So you were the first ones to see The Tortured Poets at the Eras Tour...or as I like to call it, 'Female Rage: The Musical'."

This trademark petition was filed last week on Saturday, and news comes about just as numerous unofficial fan-made merch designs have cropped up with this phrase plastered on Fruit of the Loom basics. I'm of the opinion Swift's team motioned for a trademark so that they can send out cease & desists to all those that make knockoff merch, which disrupts potential sales for Bravado, UMG's choice merchandising company; however, since it was filed earlier, perhaps Swift has bigger plans with the bizarre use of the gendered phrase. One Swiftie referred to the phrase "female rage" as "a funny Eras Tour joke". Could it be a possible fourth version of the Eras Tour Movie? Whatever the reason, the motion to capitalize off of such a concept is disgusting, but not unsurprising, for a woman that profits on her vain feminism.
Swift, through her company, TAS Rights Managements, has also trademarked over 200 phrases, including "1989", where she owns the property rights to this calendar year on keychains, phone cases, sunglasses, stationary, bags, beverage ware, clothing, entertainment services, your subconscious, and, of course, Christmas ornaments.
The vapid consumerism in Swiftie culture is, frankly, disgusting. Bravado's sustainability statement is non-existent, the quality control is abysmal, and the materials they use are horrible. The materials, such as acrylic and polyester, are made from petrochemicals. This means they are non-renewable, shed microplastics, and are quite toxic in production. The manufacturing process to make all of those lazy-rushed Eras Tour logo graphic tees is a huge blow to environmental well-being. Apparently, though, Swifties don't give a fuck. They sell out products in seconds and either have to face the manufactured scarcity or buy from a scalper that resells for 200% of the already ridiculous retail price. This doesn't include the environmental impact of vinyl records, CD, and cassette production, of which Taylor produces many variants that sell unsustainable amounts.
If we're talking about women's rights violations, why is no one acknowledging the women that work in the inhumane sweatshop conditions that have to pump out fugly t-shirts and hats? The millions of plastic microfiber dander they are inhaling, or the toxic dyes that touch their bare skin? Are they being compensated fairly for their skilled labour and are they in safe working environments? Do these women have minimal bargaining power, and do they have authority over their worker's rights? Is Taylor Swift female raging at their injustices? Does Taylor Swift ever feels bad that her wealth was built on the backs of women of color, disadvantaged by the demands of the global economy and garment industry? Do you think she ever says a little white feminist prayer for them before she goes to sleep at night?
What's even crazier is not that Taylor herself doesn't care, it's that Swifties don't care. There CANNOT BE ethical billionaires. You only make a billion dollars if you are exploiting other human beings for capital gain. Based on public perception of the possible "Female Rage: The Musical" trademark, it seems like Swifties are already asking for merch with this phrase. "If Taylor made it, I'd buy it." Oh, cool. So not only do you champion Miss Swift's avarice and billionaire status, but you also are unashamed to admit to your blind consumption of her music and merchandise, no matter where they might originate in production or sincerity. Just as Swift takes and takes and takes, Swifties' consumerism of Taylor Swift cannot be quelled.
The tortured artist's most vulnerable and sincere poetry...available now in 21 different versions!

I Am Tortured Poet, Hear Me Whinge

Look - even if Taylor's intention is to characterize TTPD as more "tortured" and "angry", the main thread of the album is "I was ghosted by my decade-long situationship with a controversial indie boy and my fucking stupid fans wrote a 'Speak Up Now' open letter prompting me to drop him" anger, which is adequately expressed in the lyrics and performances. The extent of Taylor's "female rage" on TTPD is on tracks such as "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?", which contends with relentless media scrutiny; "But Daddy I Love Him", where Swift firmly states she'll date whoever she likes no matter how "Sarahs and Hannahs" may react; and "The Albatross", a track mythologizing her reputation and the consequences of dating her. Of course, these coincide with deep psychological wounds that formed during Swift's early years in the media, and so, from her feminist perspective, these subjects tackle the misogyny and double standards that she faced.
Yet Taylor Swift still has no grounds to be claiming that TTPD best exemplifies female rage and therefore she, in the context of this album, is female rage incarnate. As the daughter of a stock broker and mutual fund marketing executive, Taylor was born into wealth and allowed privileges like trips and subsequent relocation to Nashville all so that she might get a record deal. Her father even invested at least $120,000 into the then-fledgling label, Big Machine Records, which ensured Taylor's place with Borchetta after leaving her dead-end development deal with Sony. The fact that her parents were able to buy her a fucking brand new guitar for Christmas and pay for music lessons says so much about the financial security and safety of her childhood.
Money is privilege and protection, and despite Swift's experiences with misogyny and loser boyfriends, she does not know what female rage is.
Her rage is derived from her frustrations with her obsessive fans pulling the moral superiority card on Taylor in response to her rebound with Matty Healy. That's literally it. She's just pissed that the monster she created is no longer obediant, it's become a feral, sovereign entity that depletes the world of its natural resources and thinks it is more intelligent than it actually is because it's mommy has started to talk to it with big words. Apparently, 'illicit', 'elegy', 'nonchalant', and 'precocious' are considerably big words for the oafish monster, and I find it strange that this level of literacy is present in a group of fans that allegedly have GPAs of 3.5 or higher, but I digress.
Taylor Swift has never been one paycheck away from destitution. Taylor Swift has never experienced racial discrimination. She may have instances of gender discrimination, but she possesses the ideal white, blonde American beauty standard and therefore reaps the benefits of being a conventionally attractive woman. Taylor Swift has sufficient social capital. Taylor Swift is a billionaire woman prolonging her victimhood though she, as a woman, has mostly had control over her image and music (unlike her contemporaries). Taylor Swift is NOT entitled to be championed for her "female rage", nor should she be. Taylor Swift has never even been the struggling artist, for fuck's sake. I don't give a fuck if she's trying to fill the empty lunch tables of her past. Taylor Swift purporting herself, her unpolished album, and her lukewarm feminism as a musical bleeding with female rage is asinine.

Sigh Try and Come For My Job, Poors

Out there in the world right now is a 23-year-old woman, a recent college grad, who works as a barista. She has to wake up and get ready to go into a minimum wage job because she cannot get a job in her field. She doesn't have healthcare benefits or sick time, so she has to go into work no matter how she's feeling. All day long she is berated by vicious customers and creepy men, and, exhausted from being on her feet, she knows she has to go home to her shitty roommate that never does the dishes and her roommate's shitty dog. To comfort herself, she considers getting a treat, but thinks against it when she remembers that matcha lattes cost $15 and they taste like milky dirt. She knows that she needs to buy groceries this week, and so the woman resolves to go home, but notices that her gas tank is low. She goes to put gas in the car, but the pump stops at $27.86 because that's all that she has in her checking account. The woman, bereft and reeling, sinks into the driver's seat. "Well," she thinks, her head in her hands, "at least I don't have Taylor Swift's job. I just couldn't imagine."
Fame is somewhat of a choice. If at any moment Taylor feels that she is misunderstood, misconstrued, or overwhelmed by public opinion, she can LEAVE the public eye - Lord knows she has the retirement fund and residuals to do so. In "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart", the TTPD song about meeting the demands of your career-zenith mega-tour while in the relationship trenches, Taylor ends the song by rambling,

"You know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart...you know you're good...and I'm good, cause I'm miserable, and no one even knows!...try and come for my job."

Yeah, obviously we wouldn't know, you recently passed the billionaire threshold and are the most famous and in-demand performer in the world right now. Taylor Swift makes an estimated $10 to $13 million dollars A NIGHT on the Eras Tour. Furthermore, the Eras Tour movie grossed $261.6 million globally, (which, as the producer, Taylor takes home 57% of the ticket sales) not counting the streaming revenue from Amazon Prime Video and the estimated $75 million deal that Disney paid to have it on Disney+. We're not even considering the income from cheap plastic popcorn buckets and drink cups plastered with colored squares in her Era-specific likeness.
It's funny. Taylor Swift often said that being famous wasn't hard, that she "isn't complaining". I'm sure it is difficult to always have to present in a good mood, else you'll end up misrepresented in the media, and I'm sure it's invasive to virtually have no privacy or semblance of anonymity. Still, Taylor Swift shows up each night of tour and performs. For a majority of her career, she has penned her sad songs while on the road. Most of "Red", her breakup album, was written in the thick of the Speak Now World tour. Now, some Swifties say they almost "feel bad" for attending the Eras Tour with Swift's revelations in this song, that they have had a 'dimmed experience' upon hearing Taylor's misery whilst performing. Despite the fact that Taylor said that "this was the happiest she's ever been" at Gilette Stadium in May, the lyrics "boohoo, woe is me, smile for the cameras and make the fans happy!!!" are jarring for Eras attendees.
While Taylor Swift was making double-digit millions a night in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and feeling miserable, Ana Clara Benevides Machado passed away due to heat exposure. The concert promoters, Time For Fun, are now the subject of a criminal investigation due to their lack of adequate hydration and safety. Taylor Swift cancelled the Sunday show that was to follow and offered VIP tent tickets to Benevides Marchado's family, which was a kind gesture, but perhaps incongruous to the incident of which they were offered as consolation. Everyone grieves differently, of course, but I'm not sure attending the very show at the very same venue that my daughter or sister passed away in two days prior, where the singer CONTINUED the show despite her death, would be healthy for closure.
There was no female rage at the show as Swift never saw Benevides Machado pass out. There was no female rage towards the disregard for fans as humans while Swift elected to proceed with her Brazil tour dates despite the country being in historic heatwaves (at risk of overheatting herself). If Taylor Swift was so shaken by touring with a broken heart or a fan's passing, she wouldn't have added an additional North American leg of Eras just two months after the Matty breakup. She's brokenhearted but willing to mend the cracks with your money and move onward with her worldwide female rage induced pillaging.
No matter what happens, even if you die at a Taylor Swift concert, Taylor collects a big fat check and flies away. She doesn't know you as anything other than a conversion rate or earning potential despite what her nearly 20-year long parasocial relationship with fans might otherwise indicate. She knows that, while some Swifties are without disposable income, they feel obligated to spend on a "48 Hours Only!" exclusive vinyl variant instead of necessities because they are so entrenched in Taylor Swift's intoxicating celebrity, they'll prioritize materialistic fandom before their needs. This is good enough for her because this means she can expand her real estate portfolio and finance her cat's lavish lifestyles. They're worth an estimated $100 million dollars. Her three cats could pool their net worth and solve world hunger.
While you and I might be denied bereavement leave and barely surviving the current political and economic climate, Taylor Swift has to, instead of gets to, perform for stadiums at full attendance for three nights in a row across the globe. You and I might be replaced by AI at our longtime jobs, but Taylor Swift is threatened with losing more and more money each time you listen to a "Stolen Version" of her songs. If we don't buy every variant of all of her albums, then who is going to pay for the fucking cats?
It is tone deaf to spend as she spends and lives as she lives in this economy, but this is her reality. She was able to donate $100,000 to all of her tour truck drivers, and that's wonderful, but it leads me to wonder about the ethos of the 2020s where one woman can hoard such life-changing amounts of money. Remember in 2014 when she gave a fan $90 ($120 in today's money) to get Chipotle because she had no fucking clue how much it cost? This is a 34-year-old woman who is increasingly out of touch with the reality for working class people and women in general. Normal everyday adults must wake up and go to their thankless jobs, and yet Taylor Swift, despite all her riches, incessantly references the lows of her life and career as a public figure and entertainer to farm sympathy and drive sales. And still, the corporate women have latched onto "I cry a lot, but I am so productive! It's an art!" as their cubicle battle cry.
Do you think that, from up in her private jet, Taylor Swift gazes at the world through her poetic, tortured eyes, and thinks, "All the little people, in their cars, walking, going about their lives...all those girls that don't support girls...do they know that I've made an album about female rage?"

Conclusion/TLDR

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your critical insights towards this entire ordeal: TTPD, the trademark, the implications of it all.
TLDR: Taylor Swift is a bad feminist and is delusional to think that the TTPD eras set exemplifies female rage at women's injustice.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a little less under a year. For 4 of those months me and him have been living with his mom, and his siblings besides his older brother. I have a great relationship with his family which I’m grateful for.
Our boundary in the relationship is that we do not hang out 1 on 1 with the opposite sex. Which is fair to me.
Now, this morning I walked over from our apartment to his mom’s, since he is at work all day. His mom didn’t have to go to her job until 1 PM.
His younger brothers went out, and his older brother was doing his own thing in his room. I decided to wait at his mom’s house for his younger sister to play softball later after she is done with school.
Now, he texted me that he is incredibly uncomfortable that I’m at his mother’s house with his older brother 1 on 1 and that I should have left as soon as I was isolated with him. I left the house as soon as he said that. I didn’t want to upset him at all, I didn’t want to cross his boundary at all. He is so upset with me that he is currently giving me the silent treatment.
He said that I wouldn’t be okay if he hung out with my girl cousin without my knowledge and that I would know after the fact. When I said that I don’t mind that when it is family he said that I’m just saying that to justify my actions. He said that he knows I am not perfect but that he is super bothered by me. Mind you, his brother was doing his own thing, he came in the living room and we had small talk about his kids and about my brothers and about his brothers and then I left the house
I would’ve never went if I knew it would make my man upset. I see his family as my family and yes I don’t know his older brother as well as I do the others since he used to live somewhere else, but I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal because of the fact that it is family. When I explained this to my boyfriend he said that it’s alarming that I didn’t think this through.
I am so upset with myself. I love and respect my boyfriend so much, I would never do anything to hurt him or disrespect him, but I know now that I crossed a boundary.
I’m a very anxious person and English isn’t my first language so when I am anxious I get nervous and then I black out. I don’t want him to confront me when he gets home later and then me crying because I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want him to think that I feel like a victim, because I am not. I just want him to know the boundary will never ever be crossed again.
Can someone give me some advice on how to handle this? What can I say to him that will not break his trust or calm him down in a sense?

I am 30 weeks pregnant living with my boyfriend and his grandma, which is his mother figure in his life. They moved into this new house about 2 years ago because it was given to them after a family member passed, the two of them made an agreement that this house would be for him to put a mortgage down, set him up for the future , and that she would have a tiny home or trailer moved out onto the property or just completely move away. This was their plan before I ever came along.
I moved in a year ago after me and him got really serious, we want to really make this house a home and have a future together. I got off my birth control, however I was told it would take a good amount of time to get my cycle back in line and normal, but I got pregnant so fast. Which we are not unhappy about at all.
But it is now the end of the world for Gigi, his grandma. For months it has been nothing but a living hell. She has done everything in the book you can think of when it comes to in-laws from hell. My entire pregnancy she has ignored me, given me zero advice, fights with me over every small thing I do in the house trying to make this a baby safe space. It is only a 2 bedroom house, she has the master bedroom. Our plan has been to switch rooms because we have ZERO baby space in this other room, we didn't want to rush her into moving out because times are rough now of days, so to give her extra time I have been okay with sharing the master bedroom with our baby until that time comes. For months that has been the plan and she always seemed on board. But now. She refuses to finish cleaning her room and tells everyone that we are forcing her out, destroying her home, and getting rid of her stuff, when have done nothing but try to make it fair for her. Every time I clean any room in the house, she will go behind me and make a mess or undo shit I have done reorganizing. If I am alone with her, she whispers smart remarks about everything and anything, like about how she isn't allowed to do anything, for example she will grab a water bottle out of the fridge and ask if it is allowed to drink water in this house or she will just completely ignore my existence. She makes a fight about every small thing I do. If I close a curtain, she will come behind me and slam it open. If I move a dish in the cabinet, she will slam the cabinet doors and throw dishes around. She has woken me up many times slamming doors. Also she will hide the bills from us, lie about paying them, we have had a late fee charge so many times because of her. Even had the lights and water cut off. She will buy 2 of everything for only her and him. She has even stolen my makeup and clothes. She will pull my laundry out and throw it around. She will never clean up after herself, I am ALWAYS cleaning EVERYTHING, if I do not, it will not get done. And worse of worse she made my gender reveal all about her. Thats a long story but she ruined my party. And still till this day she hasn't asked me anything about the baby or shows that she even cares about me or my baby.
There is so much more, I could just go on forever. However when my boyfriend gets off work, she acts PERFECT. She never speaks to me directly still but she will act like she is the sweetest person around, acts like she could never do wrong and plays it off when he confronts her about the stuff I tell him.
My problem is, before I got pregnant, we all lived in harmony. Everything I do now was okay before. I'm a very shy, non confrontational person, and I dont have any family myself, so I'm not family understanding and for these 7 months, I've just stuck to myself and done my best to not stress out for my baby's sake. My health hasn't been great and I was ordered to be on leave for work at 5 months. We even have had a defect scare on our baby as well. I've just had faith and hope in my boyfriend to set things right with her, but now at 30 weeks, with no progress from her, her room still so dirty, while I have our room all packed up ready to switch, I'm losing hope. I am to the point of not wanting her around me or my baby at all. I stress so much having to do everything last minute, I just didn't want to not lose faith in my man , he takes care of me so well but now I'm lost. He loves this land and house, he wants to raise our family here and doesn't want to move, he loves his grandma and doesn't want to just kick her out with no where to go, but Gigi just shows to not care at all about my health or this baby and it breaks my heart. No matter how many sit down talks we have she manipulates the situation. I'm worried that I will go into labor early because of her honestly. My man hears my cries and tells her about all the health issues and everything but she will not stop. I try my best to ignore her and do what is best for me, but its SO hard now of days. I am now feeling distant from my man because he asks me what he can do, but in reality it seems like we either have to move out or really kick her out. But i dont want to put that onto him at all. But then again I feel I have been so understanding and supportive for these 7-8 months trying my hardest to ignore her, all I asked is that we dont have everything be done last minute and we just switch rooms. And now it feels as if Its all too late and I worry about the future when the baby comes.
Everyday I overthink and regret everything. I cry so much and I feel as if no one cares enough, I know my boyfriend cares so much. But how can he see it be like this? I dont know what I expect him to do... but there has to be more right? He tells me there are other pregnant moms out there dealing with much worse and I understand that SO much, but idk... I am just so tired of being unhappy and uncomfortable. I have a baby on the way, it should be a happy experience but its just not anymore and I hate it.
Any advice? Please share your thoughts or tips. Sorry its a book to read.

My ex and I dated for about 2.5-3 years before we broke up about a month ago but were friends for years before this so there is a lot of experience and love between us. We tried opening up relationship for the past year and I just found it wasn’t for me. I feel some guilt around not being able to handle polyamory but I think thats because I also became slightly convinced during this time that all monogamy = toxic monogamy. I have a lot of cheating trauma from past relationships so, while logically I can kind of understand the benefits of poly, it emotionally just causes me distress.
I have been in therapy for a year and a half now and was trying really hard to do the work needed for me to feel safe and secure in polyamory. But at the end of the day, after a year of nervous system dysregulation, stress dreams, constant anxiety, and many fights caused by my insecurities, I had to admit that I couldnt handle it. My ex has a current blossoming relationship with at least one other woman right now and I am struggling really badly with him feeling okay enough to pursue her after all that we have lost.
We definitely werent perfect, but most of our issues could have been fixed with him also being in therapy and us slowly reconnecting after a break to focus on ourselves, but he seems certain now that monogamy isnt for him. He says its not because I wasnt enough for him but I find that hard to believe. I am sitting here grieving, missing him, in too much pain to even think about dates or sex but he feels he could handle it all right now. He says hes in pain too, and with the love we had he has to be, so part of me feels like hes only “ready to move on” so he can escape those hard feelings.
He showed me a kind of love I never thought possible for myself, we aligned on so much, had dreams of having a farm one day and seeing the world together. And now its all thrown away because he wants to be able to date multiple women at a time. He says I was the love of his life. And I want to believe that but its hard. Part of me wants to also just find someone else to distract myself with but I know thats not healthy and wouldnt make me feel good so I wont. I guess im just looking for support, anyone whos been in a similar situation, advice on letting go of a relationship where theres still love but youre just not aligned anymore. I wanted him to be it and I feel like Im getting too old to start over for some reason. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I have left out a lot of details regarding the timeline of things, how the transition to poly was handled, etc. for length purposes so if theres any questions please ask.
tldr: Boyfriend of 3 years and I had to split because he wants polyamory and I do not. Struggling with him already have potential new partners and feeling like I wasnt enough.

This is not a gatekeeping post at all, we're all struggling through the same things. I just want to commiserate w people who are in a more similar situation
Most of the posts here seem to be between couples that are on more even playing fields. Similar timezones, similar backgrounds, similar status, similar issues.
My SO lives in the Philippines and I Iive in the US. That's a 12 hour difference, total opposites. I'd give anything to just be a few hours ahead or behind.
The difference between our two countries adds more stress. I'm not trying to say that the Philippines is some hellhole and America is a utopia, but any Filipino will tell you that living in the Philippines can be hard, especially if you are not financially well off. There's the sometimes fatal heat, and inflation...and I also worry about education. The school my boyfriend goes to is supposed to be prestigious, but many systems seem unorganized and many of professors don't seem too good at teaching.
My own uni is not prestigious and is nothing to write home about, but I don't have to deal with any of the issues he does, and I'll leave it that at that.
Because of the things mentioned above, we often go several days without communication. It hurts to not be able to help him. I just know things would be so much easier if he lived in a different country, If he went to my shoddy school, if.... Maybe I sound like the "White savior trope"(I'm not white btw lol), but who cares. This is real life, ofc I wish I could "save" him. America isn't perfect by a long shot. but it's still better in many different ways.
I want to hear more from people in my situation. Not being able to see and touch your SO already hurts enough, seeing them go through shit because of the place they were born hurts even more. I know that things will only get better with money and time. So please tell me if you are going through something similar, or if you have already made it to the other side.

My wife and i are known at my work as the perfect couple. I have become good friends with one of my female coworkers and she was asking me what was different about my wife and I that made us not ever fight. I figured her and i were friends it was ok to let her in on my secret. Im autistic my wife is mentally ill and neither of us process emotion connections the way “normal” people do so we have an open relationship. I expected her to not support that but to understand it. What i didn’t expect was for her to ask me repeated questions about how open relationships work dump her boyfriend and ask if my wife and i would go with her to a swingers club.

I am 30 weeks pregnant living with my boyfriend and his grandma, which is his mother figure in his life. They moved into this new house about 2 years ago because it was given to them after a family member passed, the two of them made an agreement that this house would be for him to put a mortgage down, set him up for the future , and that she would have a tiny home or trailer moved out onto the property or just completely move away. This was their plan before I ever came along.
I moved in a year ago after me and him got really serious, we want to really make this house a home and have a future together. I got off my birth control, however I was told it would take a good amount of time to get my cycle back in line and normal, but I got pregnant so fast. Which we are not unhappy about at all.
But it is now the end of the world for Gigi, his grandma. For months it has been nothing but a living hell. She has done everything in the book you can think of when it comes to in-laws from hell. My entire pregnancy she has ignored me, given me zero advice, fights with me over every small thing I do in the house trying to make this a baby safe space. It is only a 2 bedroom house, she has the master bedroom. Our plan has been to switch rooms because we have ZERO baby space in this other room, we didn't want to rush her into moving out because times are rough now of days, so to give her extra time I have been okay with sharing the master bedroom with our baby until that time comes. For months that has been the plan and she always seemed on board. But now. She refuses to finish cleaning her room and tells everyone that we are forcing her out, destroying her home, and getting rid of her stuff, when have done nothing but try to make it fair for her. Every time I clean any room in the house, she will go behind me and make a mess or undo shit I have done reorganizing. If I am alone with her, she whispers smart remarks about everything and anything, like about how she isn't allowed to do anything, for example she will grab a water bottle out of the fridge and ask if it is allowed to drink water in this house or she will just completely ignore my existence. She makes a fight about every small thing I do. If I close a curtain, she will come behind me and slam it open. If I move a dish in the cabinet, she will slam the cabinet doors and throw dishes around. She has woken me up many times slamming doors. Also she will hide the bills from us, lie about paying them, we have had a late fee charge so many times because of her. Even had the lights and water cut off. She will buy 2 of everything for only her and him. She has even stolen my makeup and clothes. She will pull my laundry out and throw it around. She will never clean up after herself, I am ALWAYS cleaning EVERYTHING, if I do not, it will not get done. And worse of worse she made my gender reveal all about her. Thats a long story but she ruined my party. And still till this day she hasn't asked me anything about the baby or shows that she even cares about me or my baby.
There is so much more, I could just go on forever. However when my boyfriend gets off work, she acts PERFECT. She never speaks to me directly still but she will act like she is the sweetest person around, acts like she could never do wrong and plays it off when he confronts her about the stuff I tell him.
My problem is, before I got pregnant, we all lived in harmony. Everything I do now was okay before. I'm a very shy, non confrontational person, and I dont have any family myself, so I'm not family understanding and for these 7 months, I've just stuck to myself and done my best to not stress out for my baby's sake. My health hasn't been great and I was ordered to be on leave for work at 5 months. We even have had a defect scare on our baby as well. I've just had faith and hope in my boyfriend to set things right with her, but now at 30 weeks, with no progress from her, her room still so dirty, while I have our room all packed up ready to switch, I'm losing hope. I am to the point of not wanting her around me or my baby at all. I stress so much having to do everything last minute, I just didn't want to not lose faith in my man , he takes care of me so well but now I'm lost. He loves this land and house, he wants to raise our family here and doesn't want to move, he loves his grandma and doesn't want to just kick her out with no where to go, but Gigi just shows to not care at all about my health or this baby and it breaks my heart. No matter how many sit down talks we have she manipulates the situation. I'm worried that I will go into labor early because of her honestly. My man hears my cries and tells her about all the health issues and everything but she will not stop. I try my best to ignore her and do what is best for me, but its SO hard now of days. I am now feeling distant from my man because he asks me what he can do, but in reality it seems like we either have to move out or really kick her out. But i dont want to put that onto him at all. But then again I feel I have been so understanding and supportive for these 7-8 months trying my hardest to ignore her, all I asked is that we dont have everything be done last minute and we just switch rooms. And now it feels as if Its all too late and I worry about the future when the baby comes.
Everyday I overthink and regret everything. I cry so much and I feel as if no one cares enough, I know my boyfriend cares so much. But how can he see it be like this? I dont know what I expect him to do... but there has to be more right? He tells me there are other pregnant moms out there dealing with much worse and I understand that SO much, but idk... I am just so tired of being unhappy and uncomfortable. I have a baby on the way, it should be a happy experience but its just not anymore and I hate it.
Any advice? Please share your thoughts or tips. Sorry its a book to read.

I feel distant from my ENFP boyfriend
Both are 16. Our feelings for each other are mutual, although I feel like he loves me more.. this makes me want to cry (I can never, that's a problem).
At the start, it was really passionate. We had loads of topics to discuss, and we LOVE doing music together.
..until I started to feel really distant from him. I can never just dive into one topic and explore it deeply with him (what my Ni likes) he's a Ne dom obviously, so, for example, when he sits down to practice, he can't play a piece more than twice. He always tries to get attention from me and shows off his skills constantly. I also have much to show off with, but I hold myself from doing it because.. it's annoying. His reactions are always theatrical. He expects me to be reactive and improvise in things that he suggests. All of this is incredibly draining.
I just want to go somewhere quiet and truly connect by talking about personal stuff. I can't listen to his excited speech for hours. I can't physically respond to his amount of charisma. It's.. tiring.
It's great at times, but mostly, it's that I feel terribly unfocused around him.
So the thing I'm curious about is, how can an INTJxENFP couple be considered so 'perfect'? What am I doing wrong that I can't connect?..
The world is grey again

My boyfriend and I(female( have been together close to 2 years. We’re in our mid 20’s. He doesn’t ask me questions or engage in the conversations I bring up other than surface level talk or responses. I just noticed a few months ago and has been affecting me mentally. But he always talks about his own interests and always shares his responses when I ask him questions? I wish he would just have more curiosity for me as I do with him. Usually when him not giving me the engagement I want, I bring it up to him and I end up starting an argument(reoccurring argument). Example: I express to him a bad experience/incident with a class mate and go in detail with the story. All he says is surface level phrases ”that guys weird” and he moves on to a different topic. From there I respond with “that’s all you have to say” and the argument starts. But he says he does listen and care about what I say and disagrees how I’m analyzing the situation as “him not wanting to engage in conversations I bring up.” Overall though I would say in other aspects he does care about me and does show me by spending a lot time and effort with me and offering an activity that enjoy. He’s a great guy this my second serious relationship, our long term goals and are values are the same which is rare. But this is a reoccurring issue/ argument over that past few months and idk if this is something normal in relationships that can be worked out or a sign of incompatibility and break things off(I know part of it me I have things I need to work on personally and recognize no human is perfect but I don’t know if it’s a big enough issue to break things off since there’s no obvious toxic red flag signs). P.S. I don’t have much relationship experience to trust myself in my own decisions. I just been feeling like his puppy who lives in HIS life so I’m kinda felling like relationship is one sided with communication.
TL;DR;:

Margaret loved being a librarian, but it could be awfully dreary at times. It was a slow Saturday afternoon at GreenMeadows library with hardly a patron in site. Being in the center of a major city, she figured there were a plethora of places people would rather entertain themselves with than a library. She almost envied those who seemed to be too busy for everything. The only thing Margaret had going on in her life was flower garden and ever growing collection of books. Most of her friends already had boyfriends so her lack of a significant other only served to emphasize the mundanity of her life.
She tried not to let it get to her. Her life was boring but there wasn't any need to dwell on it. With a cup of hot chocolate in one hand and a book in the other, Margaret idly passed the time until she heard a loud thud from the library center. She got up from her desk to see what it was. Everyone else had already left so she should've been the only one there. She walked down the hall and saw a large black book laying on the floor. The front and back were completely blank and there was no ISBN number in sight.
Intrigued, Margaret picked up the book and returned to the desk. She flipped open the first page to find handwritten notes.
" Today I met a Goddess. She surrounds herself in a labyrinth of ancient tomes to feed her endless thirst of knowledge. More than any book, I want to know the contents of her heart."
Now Margaret was REALLY interested. It looked like someone had left behind their journal. She normally wasn't one to pry into other's business, but some wholesome voyeurism could potentially spice up her life. With each page, the writer went into more detail about their love for their crush.
" A beauty robed in a cloak of shadow Her hair, a caramel river Lips that speak of her vermillion passion Could her perfection be any more grand?"
That passage made Margaret pause. The description of black clothes, brown hair, and red lipstick sounded a lot like her. Still, it was vague enough that it could apply to any woman so she didn't give it too much thought. She took a sip of her chocolate and read on.
" I know the Goddess will never grace me so I can only admire her from afar. Sometimes she trades her black robes for floral ones, perhaps in homage of the garden she looks over. A duo of felines accompany her as she imbues her garden with seeds of her love."
Margaret froze. The writer didn't just know her appearance, but also her gardening hobby and two pet cats. This wasn't something she could just pass off as coincidence. A morbid curiosity compelled her to read even more.
Picnics in the park Buying a new bike A trip to a Cafe while wearing a pink cardigan.
Several of her routines were laid bare within the book with stark detail. The writer knew her favorites foods, her local supermarket, the brand of soap she used, and even the exact time of her last bath. The last passage Margaret read was enough to make her blood turn to ice.
" Today I finally steeled the nerves to make the Goddess notice me. I crafted a love elixir to win her heart. It will take the form of her favorite drink. With luck on my side, I added the elixir to her chocolate while she relieved herself in the bathroom. I can see her drinking from her lipstick stained cup even now. Oh Margaret, I cannot wait for you to be mine."
A stabbing pain that gripped Margaret's heart sent her tumbling to the floor. Her thoughts became erratic and her field of vision diminished by the second. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was shadowy man towering over her, his chesire grin being the only discernable feature.
" Hello my Goddess. Are you ready to consummate our love?"

There's been much discussion, both on the podcast and on this sub, about the extent to which those involved in the Playboy inner and outer circle were subject to NDAs. Most recently, Crystal has been criticized by Marston and HB for supposedly obtaining NDAs near the end of Hef's life and "silencing" his close friend. I think there is some fundamental misunderstandings about NDAs and what their role might be in this story.
Who am I? I am a silly little lawyer, practicing in California, and I love the intersection of law and popular culture. I wrote a journal article in law school about NDAs and the MeToo movement but sure as hell didn't try to get it published, so I've done deep dives into this topic but I am by no means an expert. I do love to learn, however, so if anyone has expertise in this area and wants to correct me or add onto any of this I would greatly appreciate it.
What is an NDA?
A non-disclosure agreement or an "NDA" refers to the broad spectrum of contractual agreements where the terms of the agreement bind at least one party from communicating about a pre-determined topic. Basically, a contract that makes at least someone keep quiet about something.
A contract requires (amongst other things) consideration by both parties. This means both parties have to give and take something for the contract to be valid. A contract, or an NDA, cannot just be a piece of paper where someone promises to do something. There has to be something in it for both sides.
Consideration, most commonly, takes the form of money. I pay you X, so you will do Y. But it can also be in the form of permission to engage in a certain activity. For example, I did an escape room once that had an NDA clause in the waiver so that people wouldn't go blabbing about how to solve the room once they were done. In exchange for getting to do the room, I agreed to the NDA. If I didn't want to agree to those terms, I could just not do the escape room.
The terms of the contract have to be reasonably balanced. You can't pay one cent for someone to agree to give you their firstborn child. Courts generally aren't in the business of scrutinizing the fairness of terms of contracts unless there's something grossly egregious about them, but it still has to make some modicum of sense.
Misunderstanding #1 - Anyone who signs an NDA is a victim being silenced by the other party.
This seems to be the assumption that HB and Marston are operating off of. There's this notion that Crystal forced all of Hef's circle to sign NDAs near the end of his life and now they're being silenced because of it.
First, you can't just have people sign NDAs and expect them to be enforceable. If Crystal did get NDAs from Hef's circle later in life, they had to have been paid consideration for it. Either Crystal offered them a sum of money (which they accepted) or the NDA was a requisite to partake in movie night, buffet dinner, etc. Either way, those who signed NDAs did so with an acceptance of what would be offered in exchange.
Obviously, there's argument that most people don't really understand the contracts they sign and wouldn't agree to them if they understood what they were giving up. But Hef's inner circle? These are people who have been in the entertainment industry for years, if not decades; these are people who have money to hire a lawyer, if not already have a lawyer on speed-dial. I am skeptical that if Dickie Bann was handed an NDA before entering the mansion for movie night he would've just signed it blindly.
Let's also consider the fact that the value of one's ability to speak out is inherently subjective. The criticism of an NDA assumes that the right to speak on a matter is something otherwise desired by the person agreeing to the NDA. It's easy to wonder why a victim would ever agree to an NDA and be prevented from speaking out about their experience. Frankly, before MeToo and the rise of social media, most victims of traumatic experiences were more inclined to speak less about their abuse than to go public. If you're a victim, and you already have no reason to speak to the public about your trauma, getting a significant payout to remain silent is actually a pretty solid deal.
Hef's friends are not victims by any means. But they showed a great amount of loyalty to him and the Playboy brand for decades before his death. I am incredibly skeptical of the notion that Hef's friends, but for some NDA, would have otherwise planned on ratting him out and showing the world that his health was declining.
The value of silence is subjective. Someone signing an NDA does not necessarily mean they are now restricted from publicly communicating something major. It very well might mean they just now have a legal obligation to do the thing that they would have done otherwise.
If, somehow, Crystal had been able to get Hef's friends to sign NDAs, I do not think that it influenced their behavior enough from what would have otherwise been that anyone needs to be that concerned about it. If it did, great, they probably got a great payout from it.
Misunderstanding #2 - NDAs are counter-intuitive to free speech and Hef would have never stood for them
As I'm sure many of you are aware, the First Amendment protection of free speech refers to the government's ability to restrict speech. Someone choosing to sign an NDA is not the same as the government preventing your broadcast from reaching its desired audiences. Someone choosing to not enter a private preschool with an AR-47 has nothing to do with their Second Amendment rights. The free speech that Hef specifically was known for advocating for had to do with censorship at the hands of the government from the broadcast of "obscene" content.
Maybe Bridget meant just the general philosophical idea of "free speech," which you would hope her masters in communication would have taught her to clarify the difference between. Regardles, remember, NDAs require consideration. This is not just ruthless silencing of innocent people who'd love to speak out about how awful Crystal is. These are wealthy, if not also highly educated, people in Hef's inner circle who, if they signed an NDA, surely understand the gravity (or lack thereof) of what they're agreeing to.
Likewise, I don't think Hef was against the idea of an NDA. Holly speculated that Hef wouldn't have required NDAs for those going into the bedroom because it would have given them a second to think about their decision. There's probably truth to this, but courts are also -very- reluctant to enforce any contracts that seem as though they would implicitly be authorizing sex in exchange for money. Also keep in mind the limited opportunities for women at that time to "speak out" if they even wanted to share about what happened in the bedroom. Hef probably would've loved for the public to hear what happened. There wasn't social media or the same understanding of power dynamics as there are these days. Who is someone who went into the bedroom and didn't sign an NDA and had a horrible time going to go to?
Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that Holly said she signed an NDA to work at the studio. This is perfectly reasonable. Anyone who is on a salary or signed a contract with an employer probably has signed off on an NDA clause and are currently bound by it. You couldn't keep something like who the Playmate of the Year was under wraps without some strict confidentiality provisions. The Playboy empire could not exist if there was some kind of blanket rule against NDAs.
Additionally, part of the allure of the mansion parties, per the podcast, were that no outside cameras were permitted inside. You're really gonna rag on someone not wanting a bunch of shitty iPhone shots of a man in his dying days, meanwhile you're singing the praises of exclusive parties that for decades wouldn't let people take and share photos of the event?
I am fully confident that Hef did not have issues with NDAs for business purposes, and certainly did not see that as contradicting his stance on free speech. In the podcast they said the mansion staff signed NDAs as part of their employment contracts There are countless examples of the Playboy company trying to silence people in Secrets of Playboy. Hef made it very clear that his stance was that free speech was important when it could help his bottom line. Anything else was negotiable.
Misunderstanding #3 - If someone signs an NDA it's automatically enforceable/If an NDA is unenforceable that will be obvious from the get go
To play devil's advocate to myself, I will say that whether an NDA is enforceable by a court of law and whether the parties abide by the terms are two separate issues. In many cases, a contract may not hold up in court if someone seeks to litigate over alleged violation of the terms. Most contracts don't get litigated over let alone actually get a final determination of their enforceability by a Court.
I will say that there's possibility that Crystal had people sign NDAs that were shotty but that the signers didn't understand that the NDAs weren't legitimate and so they still complied with the terms of the contract. (for example, often those waivers you sign for various activities wouldn't hold up in court, but people think they do, which precludes a lot of people from even considering bringing a claim) But this goes back to the type of people who would be signing these NDAs who otherwise might have access to sensitive information about Hef or the company. These are not girls coming out to do test shoots or the larger guest list at the mansion parties. These are people who are wealthy, powerful, and educated and would not be duped by the idea that merely signing an NDA with ridiculous terms would mean the contract is enforceable. Or perhaps they just didn't give a fuck enough about blabbing so there was no reason for them to even question the NDA that would stop them from saying something they weren't playing on saying.
Not a misunderstanding but one closing note in defense of these hypothetical NDAs - The power of speech for the average person has increased exponentially in the digital and social media age. HB acknowledge that the mansion parties were unique from anything currently because there weren't the same tools we have now to disseminate information. I think it's sort of an apples and oranges comparison in terms of confidentiality to compare the vibes of the buffet movie nights from the early 2000s to the 2010s, not even taking into account the nature of Hef's health.
I think Bridget talked about how a lot of screen contracts didn't allow for residuals from streaming services because they literally hadn't existed then. By the time smartphones and social media were ubiquotus I don't think Hef really gave that much of a care about protecting his or the brand's image. Hef never had a policy or strategy to address social media because it just wasn't even a problem for him to consider, not because he had some absolutely stance on letting anyone who came to the mansion say whatever they wanted about it to the masses.
Ok, I think that's all I have for now. Happy to talk about this or debate this more, but wanted to clear some things up since I feel like this drama with Crystal and allegations about NDAs is going to come up in the near future.

Margaret loved being a librarian, but it could be awfully dreary at times. It was a slow Saturday afternoon at GreenMeadows library with hardly a patron in site. Being in the center of a major city, she figured there were a plethora of places people would rather entertain themselves with than a library. She almost envied those who seemed to be too busy for everything. The only thing Margaret had going on in her life was flower garden and ever growing collection of books. Most of her friends already had boyfriends so her lack of a significant other only served to emphasize the mundanity of her life.
She tried not to let it get to her. Her life was boring but there wasn't any need to dwell on it. With a cup of hot chocolate in one hand and a book in the other, Margaret idly passed the time until she heard a loud thud from the library center. She got up from her desk to see what it was. Everyone else had already left so she should've been the only one there. She walked down the hall and saw a large black book laying on the floor. The front and back were completely blank and there was no ISBN number in sight.
Intrigued, Margaret picked up the book and returned to the desk. She flipped open the first page to find handwritten notes.
" Today I met a Goddess. She surrounds herself in a labyrinth of ancient tomes to feed her endless thirst of knowledge. More than any book, I want to know the contents of her heart."
Now Margaret was REALLY interested. It looked like someone had left behind their journal. She normally wasn't one to pry into other's business, but some wholesome voyeurism could potentially spice up her life. With each page, the writer went into more detail about their love for their crush.
" A beauty robed in a cloak of shadow Her hair, a caramel river Lips that speak of her vermillion passion Could her perfection be any more grand?"
That passage made Margaret pause. The description of black clothes, brown hair, and red lipstick sounded a lot like her. Still, it was vague enough that it could apply to any woman so she didn't give it too much thought. She took a sip of her chocolate and read on.
" I know the Goddess will never grace me so I can only admire her from afar. Sometimes she trades her black robes for floral ones, perhaps in homage of the garden she looks over. A duo of felines accompany her as she imbues her garden with seeds of her love."
Margaret froze. The writer didn't just know her appearance, but also her gardening hobby and two pet cats. This wasn't something she could just pass off as coincidence. A morbid curiosity compelled her to read even more.
Picnics in the park Buying a new bike A trip to a Cafe while wearing a pink cardigan.
Several of her routines were laid bare within the book with stark detail. The writer knew her favorites foods, her local supermarket, the brand of soap she used, and even the exact time of her last bath. The last passage Margaret read was enough to make her blood turn to ice.
" Today I finally steeled the nerves to make the Goddess notice me. I crafted a love elixir to win her heart. It will take the form of her favorite drink. With luck on my side, I added the elixir to her chocolate while she relieved herself in the bathroom. I can see her drinking from her lipstick stained cup even now. Oh Margaret, I cannot wait for you to be mine."
A stabbing pain that gripped Margaret's heart sent her tumbling to the floor. Her thoughts became erratic and her field of vision diminished by the second. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was shadowy man towering over her, his chesire grin being the only discernable feature.
" Hello my Goddess. Are you ready to consummate our love?"

Margaret loved being a librarian, but it could be awfully dreary at times. It was a slow Saturday afternoon at GreenMeadows library with hardly a patron in site. Being in the center of a major city, she figured there were a plethora of places people would rather entertain themselves with than a library. She almost envied those who seemed to be too busy for everything. The only thing Margaret had going on in her life was flower garden and ever growing collection of books. Most of her friends already had boyfriends so her lack of a significant other only served to emphasize the mundanity of her life.
She tried not to let it get to her. Her life was boring but there wasn't any need to dwell on it. With a cup of hot chocolate in one hand and a book in the other, Margaret idly passed the time until she heard a loud thud from the library center. She got up from her desk to see what it was. Everyone else had already left so she should've been the only one there. She walked down the hall and saw a large black book laying on the floor. The front and back were completely blank and there was no ISBN number in sight.
Intrigued, Margaret picked up the book and returned to the desk. She flipped open the first page to find handwritten notes.
" Today I met a Goddess. She surrounds herself in a labyrinth of ancient tomes to feed her endless thirst of knowledge. More than any book, I want to know the contents of her heart."
Now Margaret was REALLY interested. It looked like someone had left behind their journal. She normally wasn't one to pry into other's business, but some wholesome voyeurism could potentially spice up her life. With each page, the writer went into more detail about their love for their crush.
" A beauty robed in a cloak of shadow Her hair, a caramel river Lips that speak of her vermillion passion Could her perfection be any more grand?"
That passage made Margaret pause. The description of black clothes, brown hair, and red lipstick sounded a lot like her. Still, it was vague enough that it could apply to any woman so she didn't give it too much thought. She took a sip of her chocolate and read on.
" I know the Goddess will never grace me so I can only admire her from afar. Sometimes she trades her black robes for floral ones, perhaps in homage of the garden she looks over. A duo of felines accompany her as she imbues her garden with seeds of her love."
Margaret froze. The writer didn't just know her appearance, but also her gardening hobby and two pet cats. This wasn't something she could just pass off as coincidence. A morbid curiosity compelled her to read even more.
Picnics in the park Buying a new bike A trip to a Cafe while wearing a pink cardigan.
Several of her routines were laid bare within the book with stark detail. The writer knew her favorites foods, her local supermarket, the brand of soap she used, and even the exact time of her last bath. The last passage Margaret read was enough to make her blood turn to ice.
" Today I finally steeled the nerves to make the Goddess notice me. I crafted a love elixir to win her heart. It will take the form of her favorite drink. With luck on my side, I added the elixir to her chocolate while she relieved herself in the bathroom. I can see her drinking from her lipstick stained cup even now. Oh Margaret, I cannot wait for you to be mine."
A stabbing pain that gripped Margaret's heart sent her tumbling to the floor. Her thoughts became erratic and her field of vision diminished by the second. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was shadowy man towering over her, his chesire grin being the only discernable feature.
" Hello my Goddess. Are you ready to consummate our love?"

I am 30 weeks pregnant living with my boyfriend and his grandma, which is his mother figure in his life. They moved into this new house about 2 years ago because it was given to them after a family member passed, the two of them made an agreement that this house would be for him to put a mortgage down, set him up for the future , and that she would have a tiny home or trailer moved out onto the property or just completely move away. This was their plan before I ever came along.
I moved in a year ago after me and him got really serious, we want to really make this house a home and have a future together. I got off my birth control, however I was told it would take a good amount of time to get my cycle back in line and normal, but I got pregnant so fast. Which we are not unhappy about at all.
But it is now the end of the world for Gigi, his grandma. For months it has been nothing but a living hell. She has done everything in the book you can think of when it comes to in-laws from hell. My entire pregnancy she has ignored me, given me zero advice, fights with me over every small thing I do in the house trying to make this a baby safe space. It is only a 2 bedroom house, she has the master bedroom. Our plan has been to switch rooms because we have ZERO baby space in this other room, we didn't want to rush her into moving out because times are rough now of days, so to give her extra time I have been okay with sharing the master bedroom with our baby until that time comes. For months that has been the plan and she always seemed on board. But now. She refuses to finish cleaning her room and tells everyone that we are forcing her out, destroying her home, and getting rid of her stuff, when have done nothing but try to make it fair for her. Every time I clean any room in the house, she will go behind me and make a mess or undo shit I have done reorganizing. If I am alone with her, she whispers smart remarks about everything and anything, like about how she isn't allowed to do anything, for example she will grab a water bottle out of the fridge and ask if it is allowed to drink water in this house or she will just completely ignore my existence. She makes a fight about every small thing I do. If I close a curtain, she will come behind me and slam it open. If I move a dish in the cabinet, she will slam the cabinet doors and throw dishes around. She has woken me up many times slamming doors. Also she will hide the bills from us, lie about paying them, we have had a late fee charge so many times because of her. Even had the lights and water cut off. She will buy 2 of everything for only her and him. She has even stolen my makeup and clothes. She will pull my laundry out and throw it around. She will never clean up after herself, I am ALWAYS cleaning EVERYTHING, if I do not, it will not get done. And worse of worse she made my gender reveal all about her. Thats a long story but she ruined my party. And still till this day she hasn't asked me anything about the baby or shows that she even cares about me or my baby.
There is so much more, I could just go on forever. The rude things she says to me blows my mind. She even brings up his ex girlfriend and compares her to me in bad ways. She comments on the clothes I wear to my boyfriend, while I'm literally dying pregnant trying to fit my clothes lol. Anyways when my boyfriend gets off work, she acts PERFECT. She never speaks to me directly still but she will act like she is the sweetest person around, acts like she could never do wrong and plays it off when he confronts her about the stuff I tell him.
My problem is, before I got pregnant, we all lived in harmony. Everything I do now was okay before. I'm a very shy, non confrontational person, and I dont have any family myself, so I'm not family understanding and for these 7 months, I've just stuck to myself and done my best to not stress out for my baby's sake. My health hasn't been great and I was ordered to be on leave for work at 5 months. We even have had a defect scare on our baby as well. I've just had faith and hope in my boyfriend to set things right with her, but now at 30 weeks, with no progress from her, her room still so dirty, while I have our room all packed up ready to switch, I'm losing hope. I am to the point of not wanting her around me or my baby at all. I stress so much having to do everything last minute, I just didn't want to not lose faith in my man , he takes care of me so well but now I'm lost. He loves this land and house, he wants to raise our family here and doesn't want to move, he loves his grandma and doesn't want to just kick her out with no where to go, but Gigi just shows to not care at all about my health or this baby and it breaks my heart. No matter how many sit down talks we have she manipulates the situation. I'm worried that I will go into labor early because of her honestly. My man hears my cries and tells her about all the health issues and everything but she will not stop. I try my best to ignore her and do what is best for me, but its SO hard now of days. I am now feeling distant from my man because he asks me what he can do, but in reality it seems like we either have to move out or really kick her out. But i dont want to put that onto him at all. But then again I feel I have been so understanding and supportive for these 7-8 months trying my hardest to ignore her, all I asked is that we dont have everything be done last minute and we just switch rooms. And now it feels as if Its all too late and I worry about the future when the baby comes.
Everyday I overthink and regret everything. I cry so much and I feel as if no one cares enough, I know my boyfriend cares so much. But how can he see it be like this? I dont know what I expect him to do... but there has to be more right? He tells me there are other pregnant moms out there dealing with much worse and I understand that SO much, but idk... I am just so tired of being unhappy and uncomfortable. I have a baby on the way, it should be a happy experience but its just not anymore and I hate it.
Any advice? Please share your thoughts or tips. Sorry its a book to read.

(I am writing "Nigeria", but Trey and Matt will change that to a fictional country name like Scameria)
Opening: The South Park kids are in school. Their teacher announces that in conjunction with this week's lesson focus on Nigeria, they will watch live footage of a royal tour taking place there. A huge TV is wheeled into the classroom and switched on. Closeup of Meghan grinning like mad as she swans into the Nigerian school in her backless flesh-colored dress and huge African necklace.
Kyle screams, "Noooooo! Not the dumb prince and his stupid wife AGAIN!"
Stan gasps, "Hey Kyle, is she naked??!"
Meghan gives a speech to the Nigerian children in their classroom. It is one long festival of word salad and concludes, "So, in closing, let me just say that I see myself in all of you. If you are authentic and organic, you can grow up to be just like me."
One Nigerian girl whispers to another, "Does she mean we won't be wearing clothes?"
Meghan leaves the school, and walks down the path in front shaking hands with the female staff, all of whom are wearing modest dress, head wraps, and disapproving expressions. She encounters a little girl in a white dress carrying an armful of red roses, who is being shoved toward her by a staff member. Meghan drops to her knees and bear-hugs the little girl while grinning over her shoulder toward TV cameras. When she stands up, the squashed red roses have left perfect round nipple-like stains on her flesh-colored bodice.
Back at South Park, the teacher jumps in front of the TV. "We'll take a break now!"
At lunch, the kids discuss the royal visit. Kyle says, "Why is she even there? She's not the princess of anything anymore. She says she's 42.35637 percent Nigerian, but she doesn't look anything like those people. And why is she hardly wearing any clothes?" Stan rolls his eyes and says, "Stop whining, Kyle. Just be happy they're not living across the street from you anymore."
The kids are back in the classroom watching more footage of the visit. Meghan is wearing a long yellow gown with a big sash across it that says "BUY ARO JAM". Three kings in Nigerian tribal dress come in, kneel in front of her, and present her with a large nude gold statue of Harry holding a purse, a smoking incense burner, and a box marked "MYRRH".
"Why are you here?" asks Meghan.
"We have seen your star in the East," replies one. The camera pans to the sky, where a large golden dollar sign is shining radiantly like the sun.
Another king unrolls a scroll and reads from it. "We hereby proclaim you Princess Ahmamazing Emu of Gonnachokeyou!"
The third king whips out a laptop and hands it to Meghan. "Here, this is for you to write your emails about unfreezing your bank accounts. Remember, we get a 20% cut of the profits."
Come on, Trey and Matt! I know you'll have us in stitches again!

Margaret loved being a librarian, but it could be awfully dreary at times. It was a slow Saturday afternoon at GreenMeadows library with hardly a patron in site. Being in the center of a major city, she figured there were a plethora of places people would rather entertain themselves with than a library. She almost envied those who seemed to be too busy for everything. The only thing Margaret had going on in her life was flower garden and ever growing collection of books. Most of her friends already had boyfriends so her lack of a significant other only served to emphasize the mundanity of her life.
She tried not to let it get to her. Her life was boring but there wasn't any need to dwell on it. With a cup of hot chocolate in one hand and a book in the other, Margaret idly passed the time until she heard a loud thud from the library center. She got up from her desk to see what it was. Everyone else had already left so she should've been the only one there. She walked down the hall and saw a large black book laying on the floor. The front and back were completely blank and there was no ISBN number in sight.
Intrigued, Margaret picked up the book and returned to the desk. She flipped open the first page to find handwritten notes.
" Today I met a Goddess. She surrounds herself in a labyrinth of ancient tomes to feed her endless thirst of knowledge. More than any book, I want to know the contents of her heart."
Now Margaret was REALLY interested. It looked like someone had left behind their journal. She normally wasn't one to pry into other's business, but some wholesome voyeurism could potentially spice up her life. With each page, the writer went into more detail about their love for their crush.
" A beauty robed in a cloak of shadow Her hair, a caramel river Lips that speak of her vermillion passion Could her perfection be any more grand?"
That passage made Margaret pause. The description of black clothes, brown hair, and red lipstick sounded a lot like her. Still, it was vague enough that it could apply to any woman so she didn't give it too much thought. She took a sip of her chocolate and read on.
" I know the Goddess will never grace me so I can only admire her from afar. Sometimes she trades her black robes for floral ones, perhaps in homage of the garden she looks over. A duo of felines accompany her as she imbues her garden with seeds of her love."
Margaret froze. The writer didn't just know her appearance, but also her gardening hobby and two pet cats. This wasn't something she could just pass off as coincidence. A morbid curiosity compelled her to read even more.
Picnics in the park Buying a new bike A trip to a Cafe while wearing a pink cardigan.
Several of her routines were laid bare within the book with stark detail. The writer knew her favorites foods, her local supermarket, the brand of soap she used, and even the exact time of her last bath. The last passage Margaret read was enough to make her blood turn to ice.
" Today I finally steeled the nerves to make the Goddess notice me. I crafted a love elixir to win her heart. It will take the form of her favorite drink. With luck on my side, I added the elixir to her chocolate while she relieved herself in the bathroom. I can see her drinking from her lipstick stained cup even now. Oh Margaret, I cannot wait for you to be mine."
A stabbing pain that gripped Margaret's heart sent her tumbling to the floor. Her thoughts became erratic and her field of vision diminished by the second. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was shadowy man towering over her, his chesire grin being the only discernable feature.
" Hello my Goddess. Are you ready to consummate our love?"

———
I'm almost 30 and have one child who is 5 years old. I'm an OFW and coming home this month because my contract has ended. My child's father is a foreigner whom I met abroad. I came home to the Philippines when I got pregnant 5 years ago, and since then, I haven't seen my ex, but sometimes we communicate and he sends money. A lot happened while I was pregnant: I found out he already had a family and children, his business failed, he had many loans at the bank, and the pandemic made it impossible for him to return to the Philippines when I gave birth. I eventually accepted the reality that he deceived me. My Facebook account is locked, and my name is in Japanese to prevent him from finding me on social media.
Now, we are in communication again, and he sends money every month for our child. He said he tried to find me but couldn't. He claims he's financially stable now and wants to make it up to me and our child, and he mentioned that we could get married. His plan is to take us abroad where he works. He has already filed for leave in July because he is serious about coming home to see our child, and he has booked a plane ticket and hotel in advance.
My problem is that I am in a relationship. I had a boyfriend when I left the Philippines, and he has been waiting for me. Our relationship isn't perfect, and we often argue, but not because of other men or women. My boyfriend doesn't know that I have been communicating with my ex because he once said he would leave me if I did. (I know this is cheating, but don't judge.)
My dilemma is that I don't know whom to choose or what the right decision is. I don't want to deprive my child of the chance to know his real father, especially since he has started asking about him. Financially, I need his help because I'm not very good at earning money, and my ex doesn't know that I have a boyfriend. He doesn't care as long as we can be a family.
On the other hand, my boyfriend is almost 7 years younger than me. I never expected him to wait this long. He plans to return to school, and I'm afraid we might not be endgame. He has a tendency to say hurtful things. I remember once when I jokingly suggested he should support my child's education, he said, "How dare you? Someone else had the fun, and I get the responsibility!" He was angry when I teased him, but it hurt. He doesn’t cheat, but he says hurtful things, and I worry he might one day resent everything he has done for me and my child. I tell myself it’s because he’s young, but I can’t help but overthink that I might be making the wrong bet. I'm also scared because I read open letters about people on Facebook and TikTok, and I know of children who were neglected because their parents remarried. I fear my child might end up feeling the same way or not being accepted by my future husband’s family.
My child has met my boyfriend and thinks he is his father. But I'm waiting and hoping that my boyfriend will sometimes remember my child and check on him. During Christmas, he didn't think of giving or sending gifts for my child, but he did for his godchildren, saying he had no money. However, there was one time he bought school supplies when we were fighting, trying to prove he loved my child. I know it’s impossible for him to love my child as his own based on his personality, but I still hope. I don’t want to hurt him because he waited so long, or maybe I just don’t want to be blamed and called a cheater. He has said many hurtful things to me when he's angry, but I let them slide because I'm afraid of being left again. Maybe now it’s different because I have somewhere to go, and that’s my ex. I still don’t know what to do. All I know is that being a parent is hard. I don’t love my ex anymore, but I can sacrifice for the complete family that my child deserves.

Both are 16. Our feelings for each other are mutual, although I feel like he loves me more.. this makes me want to cry (I can never, that's a problem).
At the start, it was really passionate. We had loads of topics to discuss, and we LOVE doing music together.
..until I started to feel really distant from him. I can never just dive into one topic and explore it deeply with him (what my Ni likes) he's a Ne dom obviously, so, for example, when he sits down to practice, he can't play a piece more than twice. He always tries to get attention from me and shows off his skills constantly. I also have much to show off with, but I hold myself from doing it because.. it's annoying. His reactions are always theatrical. He expects me to be reactive and improvise in things that he suggests. All of this is incredibly draining.
I just want to go somewhere quiet and truly connect by talking about personal stuff. I can't listen to his excited speech for hours. I can't physically respond to his amount of charisma. It's.. tiring.
It's great at times, but mostly, it's that I feel terribly unfocused around him.
So the thing I'm curious about is, how can an INTJxENFP couple be considered so 'perfect'? What am I doing wrong that I can't connect?..
The world is grey again

A couple of years ago I tried writing my own version of Stones Abbigale. I never got past the first couple scenes, but I'm considering returning to it. I wanted to basically rewrite and change up a lot of things, mainly focusing on Abbi and Davis and changing some elements. Let me know what you think!

1
It's almost four in the morning and Seth is threatening suicide again. Good. Fuck him. I hope he does it. I don't text him that because I read about this girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself. The irony was that when he actually did it she got charged with second degree murder. My life is fucked as it is I don't need to make it worse. It's almost two in the morning and I have to be up for school in a few hours. I’m shivering under my comforter because we’re halfway through November. I think about the turkey that won't get made this year and the family I won't see. I think that's swell. Seth is still texting.
Its like u dont even care after everything that happened and after everything we did together i saved ur life and i stayed with u when u cried and i hugged u and i did everything for u but that wasn't enough was it? i try so hard and all u ever are is a bitch to me that's not fair u want me to die and u hate me and u dont even care and im sick of it abbi why is is so hard for u to care about me?
I don't respond. I don't like how I feel about this. This should be easy. He won't actually do it. He won't. He’s too self involved to kill himself. I put my phone face down on my bed. The sheets shake around it as he sends message after message. I was sleeping on a ticking bomb so I got off of it. My feet stick to the floor, I struggle to step. I might as well have been standing barefoot on ice. I trudge to my window so I can see my street at night. Winter is really coming. You can't hear as many birds as you used to. They've all gone. They've all flown away. I can see three streetlights from where I’m standing. If you can from right to left you can see the concrete fracture into the sand. I open my window and brace for the chill. I stick my head outside. The ocean is not far away. I hear it hitting the shore over and over. Waves of water splashing incessantly, almost beating out my text notifications. The street lights flicker. I think of last summer. When Seth and I got really high after the news broke that my Mom was cheating on my Dad. I was making out with that bong. Emptying bowl after bowl, clanking the glass on the road to empty it out. Just thinking about it makes me feel the street pole against my back again. I was laughing and crying. Seth leaned in and hugged me. “I’m a sure thing,” he said. “I love you and I always will.” I caught my reflection in his sunglasses. I looked awful. I shiver at the memory. My phone is still buzzing. I try to catch my breath. I shut my window and start to walk back to my bed. A room always looks different in the dark. Maybe you think you know where you are, but there is always something that can jump out at you on the floor. Like a ghostly paper bag or a vengeful shoe. Objects that seem to move on their own with the sole drive of tripping you. I crawl back into bed. There's the phantom of Dad’s snoring . I know he's not sleeping in his room, he fell asleep on the couch after finishing his seventh fifth. Sometimes my brain fills in the gaps so I can hear it everywhere. Funnily, I haven't actually heard him snore since Mom left. That's the one thing I ever heard them fight about. Before she turned out to be a whore, I guess. BZZT.BZZT.BZZT. I can't bring myself to read any of his messages. They're coming so fast all the paragraphs are lost to motion blur. Seth’s arms wrap around me and I think about the beating of his heart and the warmth of his lips against my skin. I open up the texts, ready to respond.
I love you
I text this over and over until I fall asleep.
Davis was the only senior on the bus. Somehow, everyone else had a car or a ride. It’s all right, though. James would probably give him one if he had a car, but he skated to school every morning. That's why he barely ever rode the bus with him. The bus thumped along the under paved roads. Davis forgot his earbuds at home, so the only music that accompanied him was his racing thoughts. Two sophomore girls popped their heads over. “Ohmigod, Davis!” One of them shrieked.. “As I live and breathe,” he smiled. “Nice,” she said. “I’m so excited to see your finished painting.” Davis took the lower level art class for a requirement. Like most things, he's not taking it very seriously. For their pop art unit, he's painting a portrait of the art teacher with a warthog face. It's one of his funny disruptions. He knows Mrs. Stanley is going to have a real field day with it, but it doesn't matter. Artistic liberties, he’d profess. “She's such a bitch, isn't she?” The sophomore girl turns to her compatriot, who only nods in response. “She's just jealous,” Davis says. “It must be depressing to teach art and see the youth soar above her.” “For sure,” the girl doesn't get it. Class clown is a semi-heavy burden. Davis doesn't really feel like talking to these girls, but his position demands it. Comedy informs everything about him. To the giant thrift store jeans, to the loud Hawaiian shirt. He and James are the ultimate combination, at least he likes to think so. Quiet brooding begs for bright distraction. The girl is still trying to talk to him and Davis is saying his preprogrammed lines. The bus stops in front of James’s street. Surprisingly, James is standing there. “Like I’m this close to just filling my hydroflask with vodka, yaknow?” says the chick. Maybe she's just trying to get a rise out of him. “Better be prepared to give me more than a sip,” Davis is watching James grumble towards the bus. The sun is beating down on the forming ice puddles. James stomps through them with small shattering steps. James turns up the bus aisle and plops in the seat next to Davis. Davis’s smile is genuine now, but he fights it from getting too wide. “Crash your vehicle?” Davis asks. “Something like it,” there's something off with him. Davis doesn't want to push it. “Well damn, hope insurance covers it,” Davis wants James to break and laugh. Is it just another mood or did something actually happen this time? “It won't, I got bad credit,” James grins and it's like heaven. “What's the move for you today?” “Surviving art and physics for me,” says Davis. “Those bastards love to keep me down.” “Who doesn't,” James eyes the girls who have since returned to whatever they were doing before. It's the judgement stare, as Davis calls it. James likes to observe his peers like a zoo-goer. Breaking them down to taxonomic types. Davis likes to think that James doesn't do this to him, but he knows he probably does. “It sucks you decided to be bad at school and take baby art,” James is still dissecting the sophomore girls down to their tropes. “We could have done Art II together.” “I wouldn't want to get between you and Alex. I know how you love it when people piss in jars next to you.” “That's disgusting,” James breaks his glare at the girls. “It's performance art, it's beautiful,” Davis gets up out of his seat to yell. “Everyone witness the wonderful work of Alex Madov! Disengage yourself from the shackles of capitalism by shouting with me: Poopy, pee pee, poop!” Davis gets a few chuckles from the other kids on the bus. “Sit down, fatso,” mumbles the bus driver. “I will not be silenced! I’m a messenger of the good word, sir!” “More of this shit and I’m skipping your stop!” “Fine, but I will make Alex remember on the day of judgement,” Davis sits back down. James is full belly laughing. “You're so retarded,” James wheezes. Davis can't even come back with a response. He's high off of it.
The bus pulls into the school lot with a short stop. The mobs get up and begin to race out. Davis follows James down the line. “You know Abbi?” James asks. Davis feels a little pit form in his stomach, but he doesn't change his expression. “Vaguely, what about her?” “She's in my art class,” James begins. “And I think … well you know, I’m going to talk to her.” He walks down the steps and out the door. “Doesn't she have a boyfr-” before Davis can descend the driver's arm blocks him. “I’ve had enough of your shit, kid,” he says. “If you keep being obnoxious, I’m gonna find a way to make you pay for it.” James looks back, but he can't stay. Davis knows that he's gotta get to class. James does a little wave goodbye and Davis salutes him. “Are you even listening to me?” the bus driver seethes. “Yes, sir. Divine retribution, got it.” Davis ducks underneath his arm and exits the bus. James has already disappeared into the crowd.
I pass the bong to Ashley. She starts another bowl. She’s the transport and I provide the material. The little things that keep our friendship afloat. I look at the clock in her car. “It's 8:45,” I pick a piece of bagel out of my teeth. “So that's it, we officially missed first period,” Ashley tops it off. “They won't mark us, you know. It's a study.” “Yeah, but when's the last time we signed in? I heard they're changing the policy again. Do you still have the lighter?” I toss it to her. I don't get it. It's always her idea to pick me up so we can smoke before school, why now is she suddenly caring about attendance? “We're pretty girls, we can get out of it. I’m next,” I tap on the clock. “Are you sure it's not fast?” She shakes her head as she takes a snap. We're parked in the pond area a block or two from the school. It's our designated smoking spot. I like it, even at the end of fall it's pretty. I’m so engrossed that I don't realize her tip out the bowl and put it back in the cup holder. “I don't know if it's wise to keep up the activity, we should probably get going soon,” she starts up her car again. “Okay,” I say. She reverses and swings out of the lot. We lean into the silence and it's super weird. “Seth texted me last night,” I wait for her reaction. “Oh,” she grimaces. “What did you say?” “That I loved him.” Silence again. Ashley's trying to put together something well-meaning while understanding that I’ll probably ignore whatever she has to say. “Abbi, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your life, but …” Her expression is now quizzical. She's said what she is about to say a number of different ways all ready. She thinks and thinks and decides to say nothing. Good call, I would have screamed at her. Not because what she thinks about my situation isn't true, I’m just in a ‘screaming at people mood’ because of it. “I’m going to dye my hair again,” she changes the subject to avoid conflict. Classic Ash. “Oh yeah? What color this time?” “I don't know,” she checks her reflection in the rear view. “The red has faded out, maybe blue or pink this time.” “You should go with a softer pink,” I say. “Since you're a soft spring.” “Yeah, maybe.” We enter the school lot. “Listen, do you want to get together when I do it? Maybe you can dye your hair too.” “I don't know, I might be busy,” I say. “Seth might want to do something,” I pause for her to protest. “Okay,” she says. She parks and we get out.
I barrel into art class. I don't care if I reek, out of all the teachers I can tell Mrs. Stanley smokes the most. It would be hypocritical of her to care. It looks like I’m the first one. Weird. I check my phone. It's 8:45. Well, fuck. Looks like Ashley needs to fix her clock. Mrs. Stanley is at her desk. She looks at me knowingly. “Eager to create today, Abbi?” I just nod and sit at my desk. I’m really feeling it. I open up my precalc notebook and just start sketching. Birds, eyes, trees, whatever. Kids start coming in. Their chatter echoes around me, I try to focus on what I’m doing. Someone bumps into my table. I look up. It's this lanky blonde kid, I think his name is James. He presses his hands underneath the desk as he leans up to talk to me. “Eww!” He shouts. Some kids turn and laugh. I don't. I just stare at him. James goes red and sits next to the kid who pissed in a jar. Once an adequate amount of students are in the room, Mrs. Stanley starts her lesson slideshow. On the screen is a dirty urinal. “How many of you are familiar with this work by Marcel DuChamp?” she asks. At this point, Jason, the designated meathead jock, enters the room. “Sorry I’m late, Mrs. S,” he booms. He looks at the slide. “We building bathrooms today?” Mrs. Stanley glares at him. “Wouldn't you like that? Considering you spend all of your time in there.” “Whatever,” Jason brushes his mullet behind his ears. “No, not whatever. Would you like me to move you into the sophomore class with Davis? Believe it or not he's getting much better marks than you are getting in here.” Jason rolls his eyes and takes his place in the chair next to me. “Up to a little extra curricular activities before art, Abbi?” he motions a joint in his fingers. I scoff and go on my phone. There's another text from Seth.
sorry about last night
and
im reading it all right now that was fucked im sorry
I start to respond, but before I can Mrs. Stanley outstretches her hand. “Give me your phone, Miss Hagerty. I’m sick of giving you warnings.” I don't have the energy to fight, I just give it to her. “You can pick it up at the end of the day.” My jaw actually drops. Jason must have really set her off, she's not usually such a cunt to me. “Anyways, found art. What is it? Well, found art is the use of everyday objects to convey an altered meaning. It can be something you find on the street or something that once held value to you. For example, My Bed by Tracey Elim.” She pulls up a picture of a messy bed that looks suspiciously like my own. “So for your final unit of the semester, you will be making your own found art. I really want you to take this project a little more seriously than most of you have been taking this class. I’m giving you the privilege of picking your own partners, but I’d like to remind you to be thoughtful with your choice. This will be worth more for your grade.” I look around. I don't have any friends here. I toy around with the idea of asking Jason for convenience and he looks like he's about to pull that move. Behind me there's that James guy. He’s sheepishly looking at me. He seems kind of nice. Okay. I don't feel like getting up so I just turn around in my chair. “Hey James, wanna be partners?” He balks a bit and then smiles at me. “Yeah, totally,” He's beaming and it's somewhat endearing. Alex and I switch seats and now I’m next to him. “I’m gonna be real with you …” I begin. He stops and shifts a little. “I have no idea what we're supposed to be doing for this.” He regards me oddly. Like he's trying to piece me together. It doesn't bother me. “She said we have to bring in an object that's special to us and present it artistically basically,” he rubs his chin. Damn, I must be baked to hell. I didn't hear her saying that at all. “So got any stuffed animals we can cut up and make Lovecraftian monstrosities out of?” “I got a hamster cage, hold the hamster,” I say. It comes out kind of weird and I probably sound stupid, but he doesn't seem to care. “Let's make a fucking zoo.” “Perfect!” He’s kind of cute actually. In a way. Something about this feels fun. I realize the bell will ring soon. “So um,” I rip out a page of my precalc notebook, still fresh with my drawings. I scrawl out my number and push it to him. “Call me so we can figure out the project some more.” I pack up all my stuff and start to head out. I can feel him watching me and it's not that bad. “I sure will,” he says. Everything feels really groovy. There's a lightness now. I’m halfway out the door when I remember my phone. I can't believe that I just forgot about Seth. I think about begging for my phone, but I feel too above that. Still, something shakes the good feeling as the bell rings.

Next month will be two years since my boyfriend (22M) and I (22W) broke up. We started dating in 2019, which was the summer before out senior year of highschool. Prior to us dating, I accepted a college offer in Florida and he planned on going to aviation school in our home state in the midwest. Everything was perfect when we were together and we had no problems. It was the healthiest relationship, that made me feel on top of the world. We would do spontaneous stuff all the time, hangout almost everyday, and he was my absolute best friend.
The first year at college came around quick. He helped move me into my dorm and the day we left each other we were both crying in the airport. We both would visit at least once a month the first year and everything was normal. Towards the end of our first year in college and seemed to stop caring and trying much less. I was the only one asking to facetime, planning trips to see one another, and virtual dates. He was in aviation school and had to spend a great amount of time with his studies and flying, so I tried to understand that we are both just busy. He started to make a ton of friends, which was different thatn me because I was only allowed to be in my dorm due to covid so my only friends were my roomates.
This was a bit of a change because he would be busy often with his friends and I would sometimes feel like a loser when I would be waiting around for his calls.. but when he would call I would get SO excited and it was the beset part of my day. The calls started to be less and less. I would call him too of course, but he started to seem to have less and less time for me.
My sophomore year the relationship gradually started to get worse. He forgot to buy me anything for Valentines day and forgot my birthday. He would constantly miss online dates I was planning ( I planned because he didn't make initiative to). All I ever told him was that it didn't matter at all what he got me EVER, I just really appreciate the thought. I even told him I would send him the card and as long as he wrote in it I would love it (now looking back.. pathetic). After valentines, he said happy birthday on the wrong day and sent me an e-gift card to chipotle to my email. Of course I appreciated anything, but I was sad because I knew once again that he just hadn't cared enough and forgotten.
The thing that really changed our relationship was when I caught him lying about going to a strip club. I personally don't like strip clubs. I have been and find it disgusting. The men watch like absolute dogs and often times show little respect for the women. My boyfriend's friends on facetime would say " Can he go to the strip club? Come on! The place has ugly strippers anyways so It'll be funny". I said he can do whatever he wants and whatever he finds respectful to our relationship. I had the discussion in private with my boyfriend before and he showed no interest in going to a strip club and has declined himself in the past. Either way if they were going to either make fun or these women or to observe hot women, I find it disrepectful.
I ended up finding out via his friends snapchat story that they went. I confronted him the next morning and he tried lying and saying they didnt go. He ended up admitting and apologizing and saying he "knew I would be mad". I was more bothered that he lied to me rather than the fac the actually went. I NEVERRR took him for someone who would lie. He always told the truth because he didn't see any point in lying. In highschool one of his friends got caught smoking and his parents asked if he did it. Even though he wasn't even caught he just said yes because he said he saw no point in lying to them. There were just so many indications that he wasn't someone I would ever have to worry abou tlying or cheating. We fully trusted each other and were always honest.
This changed the dynamic for myself and I stopped trusting him. I remember checking through his phone once, which is something I would never ever imagine myself doing. At this time I was struggling with mental illness bad which didn't help the situation for me. I found nothing on his phone except for all pictures of us and messages between us and his family. I felt really guilty and knew I should never had done it, but I knew I no longer had trusted him the same anymore, which would eventually never come back.
Fast forward a few months into sophmore year of college and we start talkin gless and less. He was going without talking to me for days, I probably could've been missing for 48 hours and he wouldnt have known lolll. I eventually asked if he didn't want to be together anymore and got a "Thats what its feeling like" so I called it off from there. I discussed with him his lack of effort and he said it was because of the distance. Me personally, I am someone who would rather wait 2 years until we are out of college rather than never see him again,, but that feeling was not mutual. He also told me it just " wasn't fun anymore" , I needed to work on myself, and that he felt like he didn't know how to help me at times ( I have bad depression but often tried not to show it to him)
We went no contact for months and then ended up seeing each other again. We saw eachother for three days and slept together on the last day. I remember crying in his bathroom the last day because I knew it wasn't right and nothing changed. Since It just really didn't seem like anything changed and I distanced myself after this trip. We really didn't talk after that and within a short few months he had a new girlfriend. I was not surprised from this because he had never gone long without being in a relationship and seemed to always be in one since we knew each other from a young age. He was my first boyfriend and first person I had ever had sex with, so I think this has something to do with why I am having a hard time getting over it.
When we first broke up I would check his socials all the time and even found he had a new girlfriend from his Venmo account. I couldnt help myself from looking and would make myself feel worse everytime i looked. This last 6 months to a year I have really tried to not look at all his stuff, but I CONSTANTLY have dreams of him. Sometimes more than others, but I would say I at least have one dream every two weeks. This week I have dreamed about him the past three days every time i close my eyes. The dreams range from being happy to sad to angry. Lately they have been happy, but I try hard to differentiate that the dream is really not who he is.
He changed over the years we were together, and by the time we were done it just was not the same guy I fell in love with. My issues are the constant dreams reminding me of him and the fact I still feel really crushed over it. I don't understand how he could say he wanted to be with me forever and is my soul mate, and then do that to me. I often have questioned if Love is real after the break up, and find it hard believing I will ever find a connection like that again. I find it extremely hard to find someone I have feeling for in a romantic way because I refuse to drop my standards and the fish in the sea are seeming a little limited.
My question is how can I get over this broken heart? I feel I have done the right things and have not slept around with anyone, went to the gym, started new hobbies, but the aching feeling doesn't go away. It's felt unbearable lately and I feel the similar chest pain as the initial heartbreak. I want to move on and not feel sadness towards this anymore.

I started getting into skincare last year (using more than just moisturizer at night and actually maintaining a daily routine). Ever since, whenever I'm having trouble with breakouts, he loves to allude to the fact that I use too much and that essentially not using anything (like him) is the way to go. While I agree that I might be using too much, I also don't think using nothing is the solution. How do I explain to him the middle ground between using too much and using basically nothing? It's annoying when he's like "I told you so" and almost shames me for using skincare products but part of me also agrees with his argument that "less is more" and your skin

Disclaimer:
This post has heavy spoilers to the story of the version 2.2 and maybe to something else. Good luck to read all of this. I yap for Ena and maybe repeat myself little too much. Mentioned characters:
Sunday
Robin
Aventurine
Dreammaster
Bronya
Seele
Cocolia
Mentioned Aeons:
Ena
Xipe
Hooh
Long
Oroboros
Qlipoth
Mentioned organisations:
Beyond the Sky Choir
Astral Express
Family
In loving memory: Ena the Order “The one who transcends the many”
In loving memory of Tazzyrronth the Propagation “The Sand king”
In loving memory of the Great Tatalov “The Garbage King”
So, the original intent behind this post was to create a lot of puns about Order and Sunday (for example something like Golden Order Radagon Sunday, “I will have order” with Sunday and a falling train instead, Sunday working in a delivery and saying that someone’s order was cancelled).
But then I started remembering all parts of Penacony storyline that have fascinated me. And one particular part master stroked me. When Sunday used his “tell the truth or die in 24 hours voice magic” he used not the power of Order, but Harmony – the Path he supposedly deliberately left behind and betrayed.
How can I be so sure, that he didn’t use the power of Order, making it look like the power of Harmony? Well, nor Dr. Ratio, nor Aventurine, nor Welt, nor (most importantly) Robin didn’t notice any sign that the Order was used and that the power on display did in fact belong to Harmony. And mind you, all of them are quite clever, experienced and hard to deceive. And in Aventurine’s conversation with Acheron in the Horizon of existence, Acheron (who as Self-Annihilator isn’t affected by the illusions of Order and can see through them) referred to the brand, used on Aventurine as the “brand of Harmony”. And the last proof is that when Sunday uses this power, he makes a call (or if you are a pun enjoyer like me, “an order”) to Xipe, referring to THEM as “Triple-faced soul”.
So, this was a really long and a roundabout way to prove that even with his supposed devotion to Order, Sunday still remains the Pathstrider of Harmony (and the laws of the HSR universe dictate, that you become a Pathstrider by following a philosophy of a particular Path). While being a Pathstrider of two Paths is not called impossible in the game, and Harmony and Order mostly overlap, there are some key differences between them. It means, that Sunday to some extant still believes in a philosophy of Harmony and is not a complete devotee of Order, how some people could have believed.
So, the goal of this post is to delve on the philosophy of Ena and Harmony through Sunday’s story, words, thoughts and actions. And to make some obnoxious theories, but that’s later.
So, let’s begin!
Ⅰ
In his childhood, Sunday alongside Robin, was called by the Dreammaster “two best interpreters of the Great One”. That means, that as a child, Sunday was extremely close to the philosophy of Harmony.
Let’s remember what Harmony embodies as a philosophy:
“Then, they say, O you who have reached the end, enter into the paradise that envelops all! Join this great choir and feast, listen to the beating of billions upon billions of hearts, holding you in THEIR embrace...”
“To battle the brutality of the laws of the universe, intelligent lifeforms must discard their cowardly selfishness and the differences between individuals, fusing into one singular melody — to have the strong help the weak, and to protect life with death.”
That is what Harmony preaches and Sunday was a follower of this ideology. Harmony preaches selfless people not only helping and uplifting each other to build “the paradise” (a prominent theme in Sunday’s thoughts) bit also welcoming every other willing person. Harmony philosophy is about acceptance, forgiveness, cooperation, that no person is beyond redemption, that in every person has inside of them the force that genuinely cares for others and strives for good. Harmony preaches something like this: “Because if it is possible for every person to become a member of Family’s shared paradise, then we should at lest try to welcome them in it.” That’s why Harmonic Strings (Emanators of Xipe) are not people and are actually manifestations materialized as the responses to the Hive Mind’s demands. It is a seemingly naïve and romantic ideal for the sometimes and indifferent brutal universe of HSR that requires great kindness, compassion, understanding, belief in other people, ability to see the better in other people and uplift them. And Sunday-follower of Order reflects on that:
"When I appeared as a child, my speech, mindset, and soul reflected immaturity and innocence."
"As I grew into adulthood, I left behind my childlike side."
Sunday (as shown in the quest) was a person of great understanding, compassion, and love for other living beings, full of desire to protect them (bird, Robin, other people). He was able to embrace even the worst people if they would show even the slightest glimpse of desire to redeem themselves and change for the better, like people who allegedly sold their own children. It is notable that he both acts as a follower of Harmony and an enforcer of Order conspiracy because of these very character traits. The motivation is the same, just the choice how to act based on this motivation is different between him and Robin because of different experiences.
As the ardent believer of Harmony, the seed of doubt in his mind was planted ironically by the very followers of the Harmony -the Family. And the disillusionment about Harmony also began, when his belief in other people was tested. When asking Xipe to clear his doubts, Sunday asks three questions:
“Who can judge the strong when their power hides their crimes?”
“Who can vouch for the weak when they will pay any price to survive?”
“If "the strong defending the weak" is truly the foundation of paradise, then who is responsible for the suffering and anguish in this wretched world?”
The questions display that the preached Harmony doesn’t work as intended. The extremely hard ideal to follow was exactly too demanding for numerous people who couldn’t stand up to the responsibility that came with upholding it. Also, as displayed both in the main quest of Penacony and in numerous events and side quests, flaws and imperfections of Family(note: of the Family on Penacony) are numerous. We have an entire “Ode to Fool” in the Grand Theatre about internal bloodthirsty war between the Family, where two of the seven families of Penacony ceased to exist. When even Family: those who preach the Odes of Harmony don’t act as they preach, are not harmonious, don’t show compassion and forgiveness, it is extremely hard to still believe in its teachings. And from that, the belief in people starts to slowly crumble as the very belief in a possibility of a paradise preached by the Xipe, is tested.
That is what turns him to Order. The feeling that while the paradise of Harmony is theoretically possible, how much suffering must people experience before it actually arrives. And when will it arrive? And IF it will arrive? These doubts in human inherent desire to change for the better leads to the idea: “And what if they don’t change? Then why take the risks? Why not to create something that guarantees their safety, happiness and protection?” His desire for Order is still born from his love for humanity.
Ⅱ
And while the shift in beliefs did in fact happen, it wasn’t completed and some beliefs in Harmony remain, alongside doubts about the philosophy of Order.
To prove that, let’s remember the Grand Theatre part of the quest (“Everything that Rises Must Converge”).
Before that Dreammaster has a particularly interesting conversation with Sunday. Sunday not only changes their plan, taking Robin’s place in the plan and then he asks Dreammaster why Penacony was the chosen planet to bring “paradise” of the Order. If he was completely convinced, why would he pose these questions?
Sunday several times brings the part of 107,336 souls of the Oak Family in his monologues. Why? Because he uses them to give self-validation to his beliefs. It comes not only from his desire to grant “paradise” to everyone (and this guys as stated dreamed about the paradise of Order), but also from his self-perceived responsibility as the Head of the Oak Family to stand up to wishes and desires of his subordinates, to protect them, and as the man with greatest position among them, to fulfil the hardest task. Because if people he is in charge of follow and support his views, not only it gives him more belief in his set of beliefs(ha), but also gives him even greater responsibility to prove that their faith in him, in Order is not misplaced.
In first two acts he displays before us shortcomings of the Harmony, trying to display himself as the ardent believer of the Order:
In the first act “Ode to Prisoner” he says that the freedom was not really achieved in Penacony’s great Independence War, posing a doubt that the ideal of Harmony even existed in Penacony since the very beginning.
In the second act “Ode to Fool” the theme of not so harmonic Harmony remains. Sunday talks about internal civil war between the Family, that eradicated two of the seven families on Penacony. How “harmonic” it is!
But in the last and most important act “Ode to Order” has a surprisingly different theme, hidden in it.
It is supposedly talking about the future of Penacony, but there is something more if you listen to its content once again:
General: “Without a ruler who would protect the weak and fight back against the tyrants?”
Chansellor: “We must assist each other in protecting the weak, just as we must assist each other in opposing the tyrannical.”
This dialogue argues that the very measures Sunday preaches, are not required for the coexistence and unification are also an option. Case of how differently Order and Harmony solve one problem.
Jester: “Without a ruler, who will make the stars follow their paths, the tides rise and fall, and allow life to grow?”
C: “These things did as they will long before the ruler appeared, just as they will continue to do with rulers gone.”
Where the Order requires an all-mighty divine king, controlling the world (like God-Emperor of Mankind from Warhammer), Harmony simply says that actually such beings are not needed.
Minister: “However, now that we have bid farewell to our ruler. Who shall take their place?”
C: “We no longer require a ruler, for we were originally all rulers who stand above all things.”
Once again, order preaches about the ruler on the top of everything, the one who has all of the rights and makes all of decisions. But harmony doesn’t work that way. Harmony preaches that if every person has equal rights to enter its paradise, then they are essentially equal. Where Order differentiates people and treats them differently according to THEIR criteria, harmony does not as THEY are all-embracing.
The choice of the position of Chansellor as the one giving answers is deliberate. It is another innuendo on differences between Harmony and Order. In Order king takes the power and pushes everyone under his control. Chancellor, as the representation of Harmony in this argument, is a position not a person. He is subject to change, unlike king. Unlike king, Chancellor is chosen among the people, by the people. He serves as one man being the voice of many people, for they have chosen him as a Chancellor because their ideals are the same and thus, they have entrusted him to fulfil their ideals in reality in their stead.
Some people were not satisfied that the arguments were not posed against Sunday by the Astral Express. Well, this entire act serves as a counter to his arguments, showing the point of view of Harmony arguing against the necessity of ideals of Order. Most importantly, they don’t disprove hid arguments completely, but rather pose a possible alternative take on things.
The Clockwork doesn’t work on puppets because they are “satisfied”. But what gives satisfaction: Order or Harmony? In my opinion, Harmony. Remember: in THEIR paradise there is “peace bestowed, sorrows and strife released.”
The “king” in the text obviously refers to Ena the Order, and the last talk from the “Future” in the act is about “final rites” to the king, that there is no need to seek THEIR existence, nor remember THEM. It illustrates the final confusion of Sunday: if Ena didn’t fight back while being consumed, if the philosophy of Harmony prevailed in the confrontation among the Paths, why try to restore the Order?
And after that particular act he chose to reveal to us the finale of Ena’s story. That THEY were banished to oblivion by the united will of the people who defied Order. And THEIR death was praised alongside praises for the appearance of Harmony – the ideal that prevailed on Penacony in the end.
And that is what actually 3 is actually about. Puppets(Members of the Beyond the Sky Choir) ask what they and everyone else should do after the “king(Ena)” disappeared.
They feel no safety and out of their comfort zone when the one that controlled everything about their lives suddenly disappeared. And Chancellor’s answers are the representation of the ideology of Harmony, that you don’t need to be controlled to strive in life, for that there is more to universe and that the “king” is not actually required for betterment of society, that society can harmonize and evolve on their own, that the unity of people can replace the “king”. Ironically, “the Ode to Order” doesn’t glorify Order but rather disproves it from being the one and only universal truth.
In this act Sunday actually reveals, intended or not, that he doesn’t disprove Harmony’s ideal, that he subconsciously feels that it can stand on par with the ideal of Order.
Then, Sunday poses between us three questions, each one has different answers depending on your set of believes: order or Harmony. Notice, that Sunday doesn’t give his own answers to the questions.
“Is darkness equal to daylight?”
This question is very metaphorical. Radiance and light, eradicating darkness and giving protection to those under the light are a repeated theme in the ideology of the Order (“I shall ascend to the heavens, becoming the scorching sun. Bathed in my light, my people shall flourish, while all evil shall be eradicated” / “Those who live in the shadows do not bear the right to tread the illuminated stage.” / “I now permit you to gaze into the sun [hardest line in the game btw]”) But radiance is also a term sometimes used to describe Xipe. The greatest difference lies in the fact that what Order will not tolerate (“darkness”), harmony will be able to co-exist with and eventually embrace. So for Order they are different, but for Harmony not at all.
“Are sinners equal to the righteous?”
Order punishes the unjust and uplifts the righteous. For it, they are not equal. But for Harmony they are, mostly because before Xipe the very concept of sinners doesn’t exist. Harmony is all-embracing, for everyone can change for the better and be redeemed.
It is a discourse in philosophy: first question was about whether are you able to tolerate something that goes against you. While Harmony can, Order cannot (Sunday can as literally shown in the quest so he leans more to Harmony in that part). Second question was about whether people can change for the better and be redeemed. Order doesn’t believe in it, Harmony does.
“If you are born weak, which god should you turn for solace?”
It is another question to choose between philosophies because Sunday struggles to choose himself. If you are weak and you bow before someone(“king”) for the protection then this is a choice befitting Order, but if you choose to cooperate with others, uplift one another and “listen beating of billions of hearts holding you on their embrace” then this is the choice of Harmony.
Notice, that Sunday doesn’t consider us as enemies at all. As he says: “I genuinely wish to avoid a violent clash with my esteemed guests from afar.” When Astral Express team asks Sunday why did he invite us to the duel, he responds: “Because our shared goals give equal weight to the beliefs we strive for.” He regards everything happening more like a debate of two equally valid philosophies. Even in the fight with him (second one) he still invites us to join his chorus of Order. And he says “our final talk is concluded” only when he turns into his Embryo of Philosophy form, when literally everyone who could has risen against him. And then he reveals his true emotions:
“If your ‘paradise’ can save more people, sever my path with your hands”
He knows he is not infallible, that his plan can be wrong, that there is a possibility of making better choices, better decisions. And he asks us to prove, that Harmony after all is a stronger concept then that of Order. And his quote before that really makes everything extremely ironic:
“If we had never experienced solitude, how could we embark on different paths?”
Once again, this solitude refers to the times when he still completely followed Harmony. Yet he was the only person on the entire Penacony because of his great compassion, who actually followed what Xipe preached. Yet, in this he was alone. How can you be in Harmony with anyone, if you are alone. The irony is in the fact, that if Robin didn’t leave Penacony, of if he met another genuine believer, he wouldn’t have turn to Order and he would remain under Xipe. With many similarities of Order and Harmony: the epitome of Order is loneliness, being a sole ruler of everything, the epitome of Harmony is a unity of numerous people.
“And thus, my talk about Sunday has concluded. Next part is about Ena.”
Ⅲ
While his monologue about history of Ena can also be interpreted as parts above, it is much more interesting to discuss it when talking about Ena THEMSELVES.
“Let us commence with the dawning of the world… After the Dusk Wars, darkness veiled the sky, and chaos consumed the earth. Ena the Order emerged, destined to restore all existence. That marked the first day.”
The Dusk Wars are one of the most ancient (if not the most) periods of history we know about. Ena emerging at that time, makes THEM one of the oldest Aeons alongside Long, Hooh, Qlipoth and Oroboros.
” THEY gathered nebulae and forged them into picks, thus creating a grand lyre with black and white keys. Strike the white keys, and the sun rose. Strike the black keys moon and the rose. And so the cycle of day and night arose. That marked the second day. “
“THEY transmuted streams of stars into inked nibs, creating symbols to be pronounced and counted. THEY molded stardust into flowing rivers, assigning the righteous upstream and the unjust downstream. Thus, all things were marked and the world learned to discern between good and evil. That marked the third and fourth days. “
“THEY used the planetary rings to establish the law, forging a code of conduct among the masses. A grand lyre with black and white symbols of articulation and numerical notation took the form of musical notes. The downward-flowing river became a melody, and the cannon of law dictated the form. Thus, all mortals found their unique place within this symphony. That marked the fifth and sixth days. “
Ena, as we know was a control freak, at much bigger scale and extent, then Sunday could have ever hoped to become. We know that «Ena's harmonic songs seems to align within a three-dimensional framework, akin to an emperor maintaining hierarchical order among all creatures» Not only people, but the movement of celestial bodies were under THEIR control. THEY wanted to and almost controlled everything in the known cosmos. So, THEY were the only person responsible for everything. And when THEY were consumed, the manager of everything disappeared and the scales of order and discord lost their balance. That is why Hooh intervened and took THEIR responsibilities.
“THEY imbued world with meaning, perfecting all things in the heavens and earth. Then, THEY rested from the labors of creation. Yet, all beings cried to Ena – ‘Under the banner of the Order, you have defined all things in the Cosmos… but this made us realize that we are but puppets in your hands!’ – Thus, on that day, all beings united and cast the Aeon into the abyss of oblivion. That marked the seventh day. “
And this is the most interesting part. We know that Ena was consumed by Xipe, so why does Sunday refer to THEIR death as an action, made by humans?
As we know, Xipe “hails from multiple harmonious celestial words”, “a plural Aeon” and “THEY are the amalgamation of thousands of entities”. Thus, I pose that Xipe ascension was not a process of accension of a one person who somehow become an Aeon, but rather that several beings in a moment of unity (of “harmony”) were ascending as one. Next bit is purely theoretical:
But who could provide such unity before the existence of Harmony? Only the Beyond the Sky Choir – followers of Ena could understand the true extent of Ena’s control over everything and unify to create a change. Thus, mortals ascended into Aeon, befitting their shared beliefs, and from the Beyond the Sky Choir, Xipe arose with a new symphony of Harmony.
ⅠⅤ
Also, some other interesting bits from 2.2. storyline:
The most overlooked part of 2.2 quest for me is that part before boss battle when Sunday says that he doesn’t intend to either resurrect Ena or become a new Aeon of Order. While the actual possibility of such actions remains “enigmatic, we can now speculate that it could be possible to take control of a masterless Path or revive its master. I speculate that when we finally reach strongest Emanators level of poweallies/etc. the enemies we will be facing before actual Aeons will be unique beings like that: fallen Aeons in the process of resurrection or people in the process of becoming a new Aeon of a Path without one.
Another interesting bit of lore about Ena is that while she was “consumed” by Xipe, her Path still lingers in the cosmos masterless. While it was known about Paths of other fallen Aeons it is interesting that even assimilation by a broader concept Aeon isn’t enough to completely eradicate the Path from the face of the cosmos.
Some other connections that I noticed about Sunday while rewatching 2.2 quest were surprising even for me. Name a planet where the ruler intentionally left their subordinates in ignorance about the truth about the events for the sole reason of protecting them? It’s Belobog with Bronya and Seele (I could talk about similarities and differences of Bronya and Sunday but that would make already long post even longer). And this is why Ena was able to persuade Qlipoth. Because Qlipoth shares with THEM that general theme of protection. Because their Paths partly overlap. Because Preservation is about keeping everything dangerous behind the walls (in this case dangerous information about Cocolia), and everything inside the walls is safe, protected, or you could say “in Order”.
Ⅴ
P.S. I feel like in this quest there is still so much more to discuss(and I could write EVEN MORE), but this long wall of text is already too out of character from me as a humble follower of Enigmata.