bro really stuck to the same nickname after like 7 years

My last post went over surprisingly well, that said you should check out my new subreddit Talesofzippy for more content, because I'm definitely going to posting in more places around reddit and I'll be cross posting them in the tales sub for more people to enjoy!
With that, I don't remember any good stories about Zippy, but the place I work at is fucking filled with loonies, so tonight I'm going to introduce you to Katniss.
Katniss is about 63, tiny, and absolutely loved to talk about how good her guns are, even if she can't shoot or generally understand how they work. She tried to tell me that her Girsan was a high quality gun because the barrel is pinned in place.
I'm a competitive shooter, I grew up shooting and learning about guns.
When a pistol fires a round, a floating barrel will be pointed at an upward angle at the end of the stroke, while a pinned barrel doesn't. The floating barrel doesn't effect accuracy in any meaningful way because it is held in place by several seers, and doesn't begin to move until well after the bullet is out of the gun.
I tried to explain that, she didn't listen. She also can't shoot. Katniss.
She also wears boomer shirts about "snowflakes" and shares memes about the good old days when you could say whatever you want and be offensive.
This gets funny later.
Katniss and I worked together running gas pumps, and we generally got along great, in fact for a year I considered her to be a friend.
And then my dad killed himself.
I got the call at work and got a ride home as quickly as possible. Katniss was on shift with me and Yawn, who is the most chill person you can imagine.
They were incredible, Katniss broke into my apartment (at my request) and took my shotgun for safe keeping. She also took my keys and made me wait for a family friend to pick me up.
I called the night manager and told him I was going home and why, He offered me a ride.
I came into work three days later and stuck my head into my boss (Elk Daddy's) office. He simply said "how long do you need?"
"Two weeks."
"Okay."
I mention this because Anything less than this is a cancerous work environment. If a manager tries to negotiate with you when you've experienced a true tragedy, they're not a manager, they're a slave driver.
I had severe PTSD, nightmares, the whole shabang, for months I would stand at the desk and hear my mom's voice telling me my dad was dead, the first night back at work I witnessed some dumb janitorial drama (not zippy) and I started smelling the sickly sweet smell of human brain before I ran home and had my first panic attack.
(I'll tell the story of Elk Daddy, and make good on a promise I made my dad as a bonus at the end.)
Six months passed, my PTSD wasn't even beginning to heal, and she pulled me aside.
"Okay. It's time to stop now."
"Stop what?"
"This, you're in a rut, and you need to get out of it. It's high time you moved on and stopped being sad and moved on. See my sister was in a car accident and went into a coma when I was about 20, and I had a dream about her getting up and walking out of her hospital room and saying "it's about fucking time." The next day her heart gave out and she finally died. It was this freeing thing for me, because I felt like she was finally free of the broken body and the pain."
"Katniss I just don't feel like I'm... There yet. I'm still hurting, and I really don't feel like I'm ready to let him go. Things aren't that easy."
She didn't like that answer.
At the time I just felt broken, and just laid there and took it, but today I'm genuinely angry about it.
I was hurt, and now that I've rebuilt myself I realized how truly broken I was as a person.
She had no right to say anything to me about how it was time to stop. I'm still healing four years on.
That was when we stopped being friends.
Last year I was going through stickers for our local pride, the second one our community has ever had! I had come out as bi the year before, and had a side project that had grown large enough to have a booth at the local event. I was showing off some cool and funny stickers to Yawn, another cashier.
Yawn is great, he has no blood pressure, everything is just really cool and chill, and he really just wanted to be friends with everyone.
Genuinely nice person. I always get him a Christmas gift and he's always grateful, no matter what it is.
I turned around and handed a sticker to Katniss that said "be gay, so crime" with a little picture of a fabulous criminal goose on it.
She took one look at it and just went "No" rather forcefully, so I just backed off and moved on.
The next day my boss, Elk Daddy, calls me over.
"Op, you handed Katniss a sticker yesterday, and I just want to tell you. Stop talking to her. Please. For me."
"She really complained about that?"
"No, she threatened to go to HR because you "assumed her orientation" and tried to give her a sticker."
It is at this point that I'd like to add that Elk Daddy is gay. Like... Really gay. Him and his husband both donate their time and money to pride, and have been instrumental in making it happen. They are the gay uncles that stepped up to be dads for their nephews when Elk Daddy's brother couldn't.
He knows Katniss, and both of us know her HUSBAND.
So. We didn't talk outside of necessary conversations, and haven't really said anything to each other for any reason.... Until I transferred to my current department and ran out of pens.
I walked over to the cashier desk "hey Katniss, can I get a handful of pens? I ran out."
"I gave three to morning shift last night, what happened to those?"
"I don't know, and it doesn't matter, can I get some?"
Yawn walked over to the drawer where we keep the pens and opened it, while Katniss sighs and opens up her drawer and drops a pen on the counter.
"Come on Katniss, I need more than that."
"I don't have that many pens, they're not giving them to us, here, this is all I have."
She angrily throws down two more pins on the counter as Yawn retrieves an entire box of pens from the drawer and begins walking over. She sees him and motions for him to stop."
"Don't fucking bullshit me Katniss, I see Yawn with the box. Just give me some pens."
She drops six more down on the counter, I take them and walk off. "Thank you."
Ten minutes later she comes over to the deli and slams a box of pens down on the counter for me
"Don't ask me for pens again."
"Wouldn't have it any other way."
She then told the MOD that I cussed her out. I told my side, and several people in the management chain pointed out that she wore tee shirts under her uniform that said more offensive things, one of them even saying "don't fucking bullshit me."
She is no longer allowed to wear her tee shirts.
She's also had it pointed out to her that she says "don't fucking bullshit me" all the time, and management has gently reminded her that she should not swear.
A few weeks ago she very dejectedly told me that she was done trying to help people, and I had to bite back a "good, we don't need it."
And here we are... End of another post about the weird boomers I work with.
BONUS STORIES!
As for Elk Daddy.
My boss has only ever taken his husband out hunting one time. When they did, they ended up trekking across the country on deer trails and through the brush. After 12 hours of being dragged through the brush and not shooting anything, his husband said something to the effect of "I hate this. I can't keep up with you and you just disappear all the goddamn time." He took my boss's phone, logged in, and yells "in fact HEY SIRI, FROM NOW ON CALL ME ELK DADDY."
nickname earned. He has it monogramed on his wallet.
And finally, my dad, who was another Boomer, used to love taking me out camping.
He was an electrical engineer, and was most certainly on the spectrum. He was brilliant in his own way, but absolutely unhinged when it came to teaching things.
A lecture from my dad could cover cleaning the stove (with diagrams on proper wiping techniques) to the finer points of building and firing a nuclear weapon. (With math included. No mercy.)
He tried to teach me calculus when I was six. It didn't work.
Anyway, on this particular camping trip he pulled me aside and said "op, I want you to make me a fire using nothing but two sticks, your knife, a match and the chainsaw"
Now. I knew where he was coming from, he wanted me to make a fuzz stick. I knew because he had only brought up the topic of making a fuzz stick every night for the past three days of camping. He then very helpfully added "and the chainsaw is a distraction."
Uh huh. Okay dad.
I Start cutting up the wood and making a teepee fire, and I hear a little "hmph" I look up and I see the smile. The grin he used to get as he started planning one of his little lectures. He was picking out the right words, deciding if he needed to demonstrate or just use a pen and paper.
I then opened up the gas tank on the chainsaw, dumped in a tablespoon of gas, lit the match and "whoof"
Fire.
Then the argument began.
"I said you couldn't use gas!"
"You said I could use the chainsaw, that includes the gas tank!"
"The chainsaw was a distraction!"
"Still gave it to me!"
"You cheated!!!"
"How?"
Long pause.
"I won, admit it. I beat you in a way you didn't expect. You will never live this down. I'll tell this story at your funeral!"
And I did. Three years later I tore up my hastily scribbled notes and told a group of the friends, neighbors and coworkers that he knew and loved about the time I finally beat him. We laughed.
I think he'd be proud, and a little indignant.
I miss you dad.

My last post went over surprisingly well, that said you should check out my new subreddit Talesofzippy for more content, because I'm definitely going to posting in more places around reddit and I'll be cross posting them in the tales sub for more people to enjoy!
With that, I don't remember any good stories about Zippy, but the place I work at is fucking filled with loonies, so tonight I'm going to introduce you to Katniss.
Katniss is about 63, tiny, and absolutely loved to talk about how good her guns are, even if she can't shoot or generally understand how they work. She tried to tell me that her Girsan was a high quality gun because the barrel is pinned in place.
I'm a competitive shooter, I grew up shooting and learning about guns.
When a pistol fires a round, a floating barrel will be pointed at an upward angle at the end of the stroke, while a pinned barrel doesn't. The floating barrel doesn't effect accuracy in any meaningful way because it is held in place by several seers, and doesn't begin to move until well after the bullet is out of the gun.
I tried to explain that, she didn't listen. She also can't shoot. Katniss.
She also wears boomer shirts about "snowflakes" and shares memes about the good old days when you could say whatever you want and be offensive.
This gets funny later.
Katniss and I worked together running gas pumps, and we generally got along great, in fact for a year I considered her to be a friend.
And then my dad killed himself.
I got the call at work and got a ride home as quickly as possible. Katniss was on shift with me and Yawn, who is the most chill person you can imagine.
They were incredible, Katniss broke into my apartment (at my request) and took my shotgun for safe keeping. She also took my keys and made me wait for a family friend to pick me up.
I called the night manager and told him I was going home and why, He offered me a ride.
I came into work three days later and stuck my head into my boss (Elk Daddy's) office. He simply said "how long do you need?"
"Two weeks."
"Okay."
I mention this because Anything less than this is a cancerous work environment. If a manager tries to negotiate with you when you've experienced a true tragedy, they're not a manager, they're a slave driver.
I had severe PTSD, nightmares, the whole shabang, for months I would stand at the desk and hear my mom's voice telling me my dad was dead, the first night back at work I witnessed some dumb janitorial drama (not zippy) and I started smelling the sickly sweet smell of human brain before I ran home and had my first panic attack.
(I'll tell the story of Elk Daddy, and make good on a promise I made my dad as a bonus at the end.)
Six months passed, my PTSD wasn't even beginning to heal, and she pulled me aside.
"Okay. It's time to stop now."
"Stop what?"
"This, you're in a rut, and you need to get out of it. It's high time you moved on and stopped being sad and moved on. See my sister was in a car accident and went into a coma when I was about 20, and I had a dream about her getting up and walking out of her hospital room and saying "it's about fucking time." The next day her heart gave out and she finally died. It was this freeing thing for me, because I felt like she was finally free of the broken body and the pain."
"Katniss I just don't feel like I'm... There yet. I'm still hurting, and I really don't feel like I'm ready to let him go. Things aren't that easy."
She didn't like that answer.
At the time I just felt broken, and just laid there and took it, but today I'm genuinely angry about it.
I was hurt, and now that I've rebuilt myself I realized how truly broken I was as a person.
She had no right to say anything to me about how it was time to stop. I'm still healing four years on.
That was when we stopped being friends.
Last year I was going through stickers for our local pride, the second one our community has ever had! I had come out as bi the year before, and had a side project that had grown large enough to have a booth at the local event. I was showing off some cool and funny stickers to Yawn, another cashier.
Yawn is great, he has no blood pressure, everything is just really cool and chill, and he really just wanted to be friends with everyone.
Genuinely nice person. I always get him a Christmas gift and he's always grateful, no matter what it is.
I turned around and handed a sticker to Katniss that said "be gay, do crime" with a little picture of a fabulous criminal goose on it.
She took one look at it and just went "No" rather forcefully, so I just backed off and moved on.
The next day my boss, Elk Daddy, calls me over.
"Op, you handed Katniss a sticker yesterday, and I just want to tell you. Stop talking to her. Please. For me."
"She really complained about that?"
"No, she threatened to go to HR because you "assumed her orientation" and tried to give her a sticker."
It is at this point that I'd like to add that Elk Daddy is gay. Like... Really gay. Him and his husband both donate their time and money to pride, and have been instrumental in making it happen. They are the gay uncles that stepped up to be dads for their nephews when Elk Daddy's brother couldn't.
He knows Katniss, and both of us know her HUSBAND.
So. We didn't talk outside of necessary conversations, and haven't really said anything to each other for any reason.... Until I transferred to my current department and ran out of pens.
I walked over to the cashier desk "hey Katniss, can I get a handful of pens? I ran out."
"I gave three to morning shift last night, what happened to those?"
"I don't know, and it doesn't matter, can I get some?"
Yawn walked over to the drawer where we keep the pens and opened it, while Katniss sighs and opens up her drawer and drops a pen on the counter.
"Come on Katniss, I need more than that."
"I don't have that many pens, they're not giving them to us, here, this is all I have."
She angrily throws down two more pins on the counter as Yawn retrieves an entire box of pens from the drawer and begins walking over. She sees him and motions for him to stop."
"Don't fucking bullshit me Katniss, I see Yawn with the box. Just give me some pens."
She drops six more down on the counter, I take them and walk off. "Thank you."
Ten minutes later she comes over to the deli and slams a box of pens down on the counter for me
"Don't ask me for pens again."
"Wouldn't have it any other way."
She then told the MOD that I cussed her out. I told my side, and several people in the management chain pointed out that she wore tee shirts under her uniform that said more offensive things, one of them even saying "don't fucking bullshit me."
She is no longer allowed to wear her tee shirts.
She's also had it pointed out to her that she says "don't fucking bullshit me" all the time, and management has gently reminded her that she should not swear.
A few weeks ago she very dejectedly told me that she was done trying to help people, and I had to bite back a "good, we don't need it."
And here we are... End of another post about the weird boomers I work with.
BONUS STORIES!
As for Elk Daddy.
My boss has only ever taken his husband out hunting one time. When they did, they ended up trekking across the country on deer trails and through the brush. After 12 hours of being dragged through the brush and not shooting anything, his husband said something to the effect of "I hate this. I can't keep up with you and you just disappear all the goddamn time." He took my boss's phone, logged in, and yells "in fact HEY SIRI, FROM NOW ON CALL ME ELK DADDY."
nickname earned. He has it monogramed on his wallet.
And finally, my dad, who was another Boomer, used to love taking me out camping.
He was an electrical engineer, and was most certainly on the spectrum. He was brilliant in his own way, but absolutely unhinged when it came to teaching things.
A lecture from my dad could cover cleaning the stove (with diagrams on proper wiping techniques) to the finer points of building and firing a nuclear weapon. (With math included. No mercy.)
He tried to teach me calculus when I was six. It didn't work.
Anyway, on this particular camping trip he pulled me aside and said "op, I want you to make me a fire using nothing but two sticks, your knife, a match and the chainsaw"
Now. I knew where he was coming from, he wanted me to make a fuzz stick. I knew because he had only brought up the topic of making a fuzz stick every night for the past three days of camping. He then very helpfully added "and the chainsaw is a distraction."
Uh huh. Okay dad.
I Start cutting up the wood and making a teepee fire, and I hear a little "hmph" I look up and I see the smile. The grin he used to get as he started planning one of his little lectures. He was picking out the right words, deciding if he needed to demonstrate or just use a pen and paper.
I then opened up the gas tank on the chainsaw, dumped in a tablespoon of gas, lit the match and "whoof"
Fire.
Then the argument began.
"I said you couldn't use gas!"
"You said I could use the chainsaw, that includes the gas tank!"
"The chainsaw was a distraction!"
"Still gave it to me!"
"You cheated!!!"
"How?"
Long pause.
"I won, admit it. I beat you in a way you didn't expect. You will never live this down. I'll tell this story at your funeral!"
And I did. Three years later I tore up my hastily scribbled notes and told a group of the friends, neighbors and coworkers that he knew and loved about the time I finally beat him. We laughed.
I think he'd be proud, and a little indignant.
I miss you dad.

My(15F) mom(48F) and I were attached at the hip since I’ve been younger. Mostly because she raised me by herself since my dad(75M) didn’t live with us. He wasn’t around much in my younger years, only really present when my grandfather died. My mom has mental illness, along with her own mommy issues. She never really got the chance to address them though, since my grandmother died before I was born. Onto the issues. I just recently moved to live with my dad because things with my mom had gotten really bad. Naturally I started remembering things. Like how she left me in my car seat as an incompetent 4/5 year old in the winter because I was “too much.” She also forbade my grandfather and I from speaking in the last years of his life, even though we lived in the same house. The worst of it though came with the panic attacks. I began bottling up my emotions because she only responded with anger or guilt-tripping (not a good idea) and the first one I had, I was backed into a corner because she wouldn’t stop approaching me, then she held me down on my bed and put her hand over my mouth when I started screaming. Instead of apologizing, she told me I was possessed by the devil. Who knew. I was 11 when that happened, and she still doesn’t see the problem with what she did. She has also said I’m not her daughter anymore, and that it was my “responsibility” that I tried to kill myself (something about life insurance which I don’t have) but I ran away a couple times and she only brought up calling the police when I came back “I was about to call I was so worried.” After both of my attempts, she would just call me dramatic, and never told my dad. She also called me manipulative whenever I did tell my dad anything that happened between us. Saying I wouldn’t have him to complain to much longer (implying because he’s older I won’t have as many years) a fact which she has seen me break down about. Not only all of this but small comments too. Watching sword af (Smosh dnd) “you like this stuff?” Wearing a crop top with no jacket “you look like a slut.” Anytime I try to set a boundary “you’re so ungrateful and spoiled.” I was telling her not to call my friend ghetto because she shouldn’t and she says slurs. Honestly I don’t know how much else I can write, so maybe I’ll update, but I needed to get it off my chest because Mother’s Day was very hard, but I still made an effort, calling her (she didn’t return my call, only “I appreciate the thought” and sent her Mother’s Day deals for food “I’m not going there.” But I don’t know if it was the healthiest thing for me to do. I’m at a loss

Tw: family death and emotional abuse/neglect
I hate venting online as it’s futile and embarrassing for me (no one has to feel this way. This is just my own personal view that is mine and only mine) So, I will probably delete this soon for I also hate showing weakness to strangers since it always leads to more abuse it seems and i am often weary of others. So, with this, I’ll try and open up even if it’s temporary.

A bit of backstory I guess. My mother died when I was 7 which left behind a hole that needed to be filled for dad and I. She, the step “mom”, came along to help us for she struggled with a divorce of an abusive ex husband. She had issues, as you would expect, yet here I thought of her as someone I could get along with, to play with, to be around when things got bad, and all the things a little kid would think. At first, everything was fine, I even had silly nicknames for her that she “enjoyed” she responded with kindness to these (one was care bear, another was pumpkin because it was fall and she liked the smell, the others I don’t remember) and I remember how happy I was when she liked the little nicknames. Since it was the beginning, I would want her over often as I wanted someone to become a person I could look for as a mom but not as a replacement to my actual mom who recently died during that time. I liked her. 

Alas these things don’t get a happy ending, as with time, dad got more ill. During this time she would be by his side more (which is totally understandable, I would too for my lover I didn’t show jealousy during this time but support as I got to spend more time with my “sister”) and it slowly evolved to hospital visits. I would slowly pick up being a “parent” for her disabled daughter when I was 9/10/11 (can’t remember exact age, sorry). This was because she would go out with dad to spend time with him, go to the other room to isolate from us (either needing alone time or to help him. Not my business), be with him for hospital stays, etc. I was used to this since I was accustomed to helping my dad with his medical issues and helped him get ready for “life” by the time I was late 7/early 8 due to his own health failing as well.
Hop years later. After problem and after problem I had gotten in with her and vice versa I realize my step mother never genuinely cared about me. I know it takes two to tango and it’s partly my fault, I get where I fell in my faults and I’ve accepted them as my lessons in day to day life. I’m not perfect. As I became more reclusive to her as she showed a lack of accountability (and to this day, she won’t admit and see why it was so wrong for her to do things that were heavily against me) I was then always the scapegoat as she showed love and gushed over her actual kids (this was always a issue, I just didn’t think about it as a little kid and I got “bratty” when I got older as i began to recognize the “unfairness”). My achievements were worthless and often met with a “you should’ve already been good at that”, “you should know better by now”, or “that should already have been done if it was something important to you”. The typical “you aren’t good enough” wearing different clothes.
The feelings of being useless had already creeped in by the time I was 10/11 so this was going on for a long time (along with many other issues that I’m not gonna get into). Even as I got nearly straight A’s in college I was never praised except by dad (who unfortunately died when I was early 19. I miss him to this day). I know I should not have sought out praise, especially if I was grown, but I would’ve loved a “good job” from her… I know that’s silly but it would’ve been nice to be seen as her actual kid worthy of love and being seen that way just a little. I know my pesky teen years didn’t help but I was still her kid in some capacity but I was treated like a punching bag. All because she had her own jealousy and hate for me. (Even her own kids called her out on how she treated me, nothing changed from her.)
Now with no family left except a few aunts, she tried everything she can to ensure I don’t become independent (I don’t wanna talk too much about it, I’m too tired plus this post is getting rather long as it is).
The parts that hurt the most were: She refused my safety from my childhood to adulthood. She never cared what truly happened to me it seems.
Never really paid attention to me unless to berate me which was done usually in the form of gossiping to others. Plus attempting to embarrass me in front of others so when my teenage self got upset she can use my reaction as “proof” and to “justify” herself, sometimes trying to attempt it to adult me as she smiled and snickered about it. Thankfully most adults who were older took pity and even commented on how arrogant and awful she seemed as a person (adult me, they never did anything about teenage me which I get, I fell for her tricks that made me look bad. Happy I learned that lesson young, at least there is that).
She snooped around my room and life to gossip to her kids about me on how much of a failure I was and how disgusting of a person I am. Then got mad when I isolated or kept my life very secretive.
She would find issues with me just to try to make my dad hate me which thankfully it failed. I’m unsure if this was a attempt to further isolate me because I wasn’t a part of her “actual kids”. I don’t know and I’m too tired to know, it’s done and over with I can vent about that in therapy. However she sadly was successful in getting him to yell at me. The worst part of the yelling is that she would watch me cry or go to the other room to listen rather than just leaving me alone. I now realize it was a way for her to “get off” I believe.
When she realized she couldn’t control my life she tried hiding food from me as I was early 20’s because she had “control issues with me” (her words not mine). I didn’t like things going to waste so I’d eat nearly expired foods often and she would get pissy that I was “stealing from her”.
She gossiped to strangers about how I never do anything with myself and suspected I was just a useless failure. (I was in college with a job, thanks.)
When I did finally snap from the times she would treat me poorly she held on to it. I guess to put it, think of me over reacting I get I did wrong and I learned my lesson but when she snapped with a over reaction or something really hurtful she expected to be forgiven.
She also would steal from me and blame me (but would expect me to keep my hands to myself when I was hungry and didn’t have the time or funds to get food… this one still bothers me but I will talk in detail of this to my therapist not here as I’m tired and the post is already long enough).
All I wanted was a mom to care but I guess I couldn’t get that because the one I got died when I barely got to know her. There is more to say but I think that is all of us here, too much to say about someone who was supposed to love us. My apologies if my post is in shambles I never really let anything out like this so I’m sure I kinda sound “childish” but like- I really hate Mother’s Day and I just wanted to let it out, even if I delete this later.

I see a lot of people saying that it's weird that aspyn still uses C and L's names in her videos and I agree. There ARE mommy vloggers out there that have successfully made the switch from using their kids names/showing their faces to wiping them from the internet. I had a lot of respect for aspyn when she decided she was gonna stop showing her kids for their privacy/safety, but I don't really understand why she still uses their names especially since she said she wished she had never shared them. Why not make up nicknames for them and only call them by that to the camera going forward? Yes, people who have watched aspyn for awhile will still know her kids real names, but new viewers won't unless they blatantly ask or Google it, and I think her audience would naturally/respectfully switch to using the nicknames in comments.
I think it's totally possible to make mom vlog content without putting your kids on the internet. It's pretty much exactly what she's doing right now in her recent vlogs. Showing her cleaning/doing chores, talking about baby products she's using, cooking for the vlog etc. I think the lines she's drawing are weird, like in the most recent vlog she didn't blur baby's face, I assume because she was in a shadow or something or was too far away to be distinguishable, but why even include that clip? If you want to include it you can blur it like you do with the other kids.
I think she should've taken the Bobbi Althoff route and named her kids Richard and Concrete (to us) because that's so memorable I literally don't even remember their real names. (I don't think we were ever given Concrete's real name, but still).

Seriously, the Inland Empire is already a shitty, ghetto enough place to live, and the fact that we have a bunch of primitive assholes lighting fireworks as their main source of entertainment is always a nuisance here. If hearing loud noises and seeing sparkly lights is really what makes you entertained year-round, then maybe you burned out a few too many brain cells and should wear a headset or use some VR experience to emulate your primitive needs without bothering everyone else. Please don't ruin the community for everybody else out of selfishness and lack of consideration. People like that are the blight of the community, and one of the many reasons why nobody thinks highly of the Inland Empire, and why it's a shitty place to live in, buy a house, or invest in.
I never say this opinion out loud, but it's really fucking irritating that people who live here do this so often (I've lived in many places in CA and this is by far the worst when it comes to fireworks). I wish they would just go fuck off and stop ruining everyone else's evenings.
Plus I'm sick of my dog getting scared.

I work in retail as a cashier. I speak to almost every customer, kindly, whole heartedly, and attentively. However, some coworkers either feel as though I talk too much. I only talk while moving, so I'm not just sitting there chatting after or in the middle of a transaction, and I end conversations once all my tasks are done promptly. My problem is that my coworkers are incredibly disrespectful when they say it. I've been told the reason my nickname at an old job being "meg", as in meg from family guy, was warranted. I speak to them like dogs, ie telling them good job or just over complimenting them for helping me, and I've had a new manager snap at me for calling over to him for assistance.
I want to speak to a manager about it when I go back, but I'm not sure how to word my concerns... I'm open to criticism, truly I am, but not public outbursts of anger and snide comments. I really just want mature conversations about improving my interactions professionally.
I'm so close to just crawling into a shell, I'm uncomfortable just opening my mouth and now my work day is surrounded with anxiety on where the next problem with arise.. Im.. just trying to be nice and supportive..

I've been wrestling with the best way to come out to my friend and would love some input from all the lovely people in this subreddit <3
So, for context, I am 21, have been tranisitioning medically for well over a year now, and have been generally passing quite well.
Now, I met my closest friend from being housemates with her last year, which was my second year of uni and her last year. She graduated and moved back to her country, but we still talk and play games for hours each night. She does not know that I'm trans, but knows that I love generally to do makeup and most of my clothes are from the women's side. She also knows that I have been lasering my face. She knows that I exist in online spaces as female (voice included) and actually goes along with it so well, has never misgendered me online or even messed up my name irl when i poliety gave her a new name to use for me, abeit a shortened, feminine nickname. We've done makeovers and photoshoots and just overall done "girly" things together with no issues. She did ask me if I was gay one time but I said that I am not because even though I am gay (lesbian) I know she meant am I a gay men.
I never came out to her before because honestly I never thought we would become so close and stay friends for so long to the point where she has actually brought a ticket and will be staying with me for two weeks during my graduation. The need to come out never really happened and I was happy with how things were so I never saw the point in telling her, like I can present completely femme, use a female voice and she uses the right name for me.
In the time that she left the country, I doubled my dose of E which is when the majority of changes, including me being able to pass as a cis woman have happened. I'm at the point where most people in my life know me as a woman, and I would like to come out to her.
The only reason I'm a bit nervous is that she may not actually view me as a woman. I know that she is completely fine with people being gay/trans or just queer in general but I need more than that, I need her to view me as a woman and use the correct pronouns and everything for me. She's said a few things before such as not accepting trans people as their correct gender until they actually start to tranisition medically which make me think that she may accept me and being trans but not view me as a woman.
Now, of course I don't want people in my life who cannot view me as a woman (in fact I recently cut off one of closests friends for this reason) but I really hate argueing and really enjoy her being my friend, It's almost like a sort of if it aint broke then dont fix it sorta thing, because I have pretty much everything I could want considering im not out to her but I also think being out would help explain some things such as boobs when she comes. Overall I'd just love for her to accept me fully as a woman, and to be honest not that much really needs to change in our friendship and I generally feel like she treats me like one anyway but for some of the reasons I mentioned earlier I'm just kinda nervous and think it may be smart to have some extra talking points for when I do tell her with how some of the things that she says can be problematic sometimes.
I really hope this made sense, my brain feels very scattered currently during the last week of my uni and honestly typing this out made me feel like I am 15 again, confused about identity and pretty much all things trans as well as how to come out to people in my life at the time.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MediumGrouchy5547
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest
I found my sister who disappeared from everyone more than 15 years ago after she ran away from home
Trigger Warnings: abandonment, depression, self-harm, eating disorder, possible mental health issues
Editor’s Note: TCA stands for trastornos de la conducta alimentaria which translates into “eating disorder”
Rastafarian: a religious movement
Original Post: April 26, 2024
I'm really happy and confused and I really don't know if I can talk about this with friends and family but I need to share my experience with someone because I missed my sister. I don't need or want any advice since no one really knows the situation to be able to give a good advice without assuming things they don't know and it's weird to read people talking about my sister like if they know what she lived, I just want to share this and I know a lot of people have had experiences like this too so maybe someone can relate.
When I was 10 years old my older sister who was 22 at that time disappeared after leaving a note to our parents saying that she's okay and just wants to start over her life.
My sister was always a lonely but outgoing person, she always told me that she enjoyed solitude from time to time and noisy things took away from her quality of life because tbh it was loud LOUD where we lived and it was annoying even for me (we lived in a dangerous neighborhood so it wasn't too safe and she hated not being able to go for a walk at night or do things at night alone), she was depressed and I remember seeing her suffering from severe anxiety attacks, she used to hit herself to stop them and she had a strong TCA that triggered those things. She suffered from other mental issues as well and talked freely about that, she talked about those things in front of me and these are things that leave a mark on you.
She was the favorite of the whole family although mi parents never out pressure on her, they always let us do our life (my brother who was 19 at that time knows that, my sister was the golden child), my grandfather always made it clear that she is his favorite granddaughter, even now. She was the calm but funny kind of person, she was the closest to my parents and uncles so when she disappeared from one day to the next no one understood what was going on.
Even my sister had never traveled alone except to go to work and she always notified my mother that she was okay for safety reasons. She left a long note clarifying that she doesn't want to be searched but she loves us. It was a big blow for the family, I remember my mother wanting to report to the police but they said that my sister was not a minor and the note said that she left by her own so they can't do anything.
In a way, my other brother knew that this would happen at some point, since our sister mentioned a lot that she wanted to leave everything and go live in the countryside or become a nun and live in a calm place without any worries but nobody took her seriously about that. She was always the kind of person who did things without telling anyone, she liked her solitude sometimes even if she was always friendly.
The first months and weeks were strange, it wasn't that she had passed away but that she disappeared because she wanted to, I remember my mother missing her because they always shared the afternoons together.
I also missed her a lot, Even years later my family missed her and at Christmas or her birthday someone would always say "maybe she'll show up now" or we would wonder how she's doing or if she was alive.
Back to the present. I'm on vacation in the south of my country (This part of my country is very expensive for a tourist and I am the only one in my family who was able to come now that I am an adult), it's a place full of villages and while I was exploring I came to a place where they sold typical handicrafts of the place.
While shopping I can swear that the first thing I saw was my sister looking at some crafts on a shelf, she looked more adult but obviously I recognized her instantly, we are really similar after all.
I didn't really knew how to react after so many years and I didn't know how she would react, but I went over and said her name. What I didn't expected was that she would smile instantly when she saw me and called me by my nickname. I thought she had escaped because she didn't wanted anything to do with the family even if in the note she said she loves us, but she was greeting me as if nothing had happened.
She told me that she didn't expected to see me there and asked me if I was on vacation, she said that the village used to be not so touristy but now more people started to go and many villagers opened stores for the tourists. I was upset, I was angry with her for leaving us and pretending that nothing happened but I couldn't react so I just asked her if she lives in that town and she said yes, It's a place filled with old people.
We talked for a few seconds, she asked me what I'm studying and if everyone at home is okay, she told me I'm taller and thinner. Then she gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me that if I have a few days off I can go visit her but she doesn't have a cell phone so she told me that she's almost everyday there. My sister also told me to send hugs to our parents.
I'm confused and full of questions about her, she doesn't even wants to hide, she didn't looked or talked to me like someone who wanted to run away from something and hide. She was just happy to see me and happy to know that we were all good.
But I also feel resentment for her when I think about all that our parents and grandparents suffered when she disappeared, making my mother feel that she was a bad mother because she couldn't protect her.
But I'm ambivalent as I'm also happy to know that she's okay and that she doesn't hate me or the family but I'm also confused, Her behavior wasn't that of someone who is hiding or who doesn't want to know anything about her past, she was just happy to hear about us.
Edit: I'm sorry but there are people who clearly don't read the post, there are literally people saying that I didn't even knew my sister and commenting as if they knew her and taking things for granted about her life, there are even people saying that they don't understand why I'm 'angry' (it's just a feeling, a normal feeling, it's not that I hate her and I will treat her badly, god. Nor will I talk to my family without talking to her first, at what point in the post did I say that I'm going to expose her? I'm never going to treat her badly either because I have no reason to do so, It's crazy how half the comments draw silly conclusions) with my sister when i literally say it up there, even if my English is bad because it's not my first language, just read the post before you want to get a few likes for some unnecessary advice.
Additional Information from OOP on his sister’s note

OOP: My sister in the note said that she loves our parents, my brother was 19 when our sister left and he himself knows how much our parents loved and supported her when she was having a hard time with herself but the outside always affected her badly.
I was ten years old but I wasn't a baby and I remember what the family dynamic was like, I remember the feeling of my family, my parents are not narcissists and my sister loved them and they love who's my sister, she just had her own problems.
How could a parent miss the idea of their children? There's not a day when my parents don't miss everything about my sister, they miss sharing the day with her, my father even missed when she was cranky. My parents always let us go our own way and I can assure you that they never pressured us to be what they wanted us to be, I don't even know what they want us to be.

Relevant Comments
Mil1512: Is your sister neurodivergent?
With the hitting herself when struggling with anxiety and enjoying solitude.
I'm neurodivergent and my family live in another country. I honestly forget to talk to them most of the time and only really do because my mum messages me first. If she didn't we just wouldn't talk. Not due to any hate or anything, I'm just happy doing my own thing.

OOP: She's not. My sister had a lot of self-destructive behaviors and hurting herself was one of them when she felt 'fat', she also had eating disorders and panic attacks because of that. I don't remember too much but she did other things to not eat besides hitting herself, she was very open about her TCA and yes, she has a diagnosis from a professional.
My sister was always in touch with my mother and everyone in text, she always used to keep in touch when she was going out until the day she left, now she doesn't even have a phone. In her note she just said that she wanted to leave everything

mikuzgrl: It almost seems like the sister has been in contact with someone for a while and thinks news is being passed back and forth.

OOP: I never thought about that but I don't think so, seeing how my parents miss her I think the first thing the family would do would be to at least tell my father that she is okay :/

 
Can people just stop with the aggressive messages? Weirdos: May 1, 2024
I understand that many reflect their personal traumas in this site, but I literally received passive-aggressive messages calling me idiot or even telling me that I would hate my sister if she were neurodivergent or claiming that my parents abused her.
What's wrong with y'all? Go to a psychologist and stop reflecting your unresolved traumas in the story of a person you don't even know. Go out and touch grass and talk to a real person instead of literally sending private messages like that.
I didn't asked for any advice and just wanted to share my story because that's the point of that subreddit, but many took it the wrong way and decided to turn something positive into a way to fight.
I don't even understand why out of nowhere I started getting those kinds of messages or if someone share that post on a weird place.
 
Editor’s Note: TLP is trastorno límite de la personalidad which translates into Borderline Personality Disorder
Update: May 7, 2024
On sunday I finally found my sister again, she was selling things in the park with other stands, all of them are rastafari, not hippies or a sect. I walked over and she greeted me just as happily, we talked a couple of things and my sister told me that she doesn't have a cell phone so it was impossible for her to tell me that she wouldn't be there on Saturday.
I spent the afternoon with her at her stand and after that we went to her house, she lives alone (and sometimes with her friends). We talked for a while and at one point she broke down and hugged me, saying she was trying to stay calm all this time and didn't knew how to react because she didn't wanted to make me cry too bc she remembered that I was really sensitive but she couldn't hold it anymore. We cried and talked a lot.
My sister was tired of people, she said that our house was her safe place but hated the idea of having to work everyday and I didn't wanted to study anything, she was our parents' golden child, so they let her do whatever she wanted, but she knew that at some point she had to make something of her life. She was tired of how stupid and empty everyone was, of the politicians, of the TV showing empty things, of the noise everywhere outside when she wanted peace, even sleeping in our home was stressful for everyone because of the noises outside during the weekends when she wanted to be alone to smoke and listen music (tbh, In my memories as a child I didn't remember the obvious smell of joints that my sister had all the time)
That added to the pressure that society put on her to be physically perfect make her want to leave everything behind.
She didn't wanted to die but realized that my parents were miserable when they saw her being miserable, this is something I didn't know, but my sister said that our father had two jobs to be able to pay for her psychologist and medication, also my father used to spoil her a lot with the only food she eat without guilty. Running away was like dying symbolically.
My sister says that although our parents always supported her, she felt like a failture for not being able to improve and always relapsing, she felt bad to see our father working so hard and also wanted to live according to her spiritual mentality, free from all that is toxic in society.
All of those things make her ran away from everything, she felt like a burden and also didn't wanted to live a life working and miserable like everyone.
Sis told me that she never contacted us because she doesn't wants to have a cell phone and a trip to our province is too expensive to her because it's basically going from one end of the country to the other.
She hates capitalist society with all her soul and doesn't even have a TV. My sister said that she is much better now away from the city. My sister told me that she wants to talk to our parents but doesn't knows what to say and we don't want to give them parents a shock since our dad was sick a few days ago and is recovering from dengue.
I'm writing this with her beside me and doesn't understand what's the point of this site (The last social network she used was fotolog in 2007) but said that she doesn't mind if I post this. She wanted to write something but said she doesn't like writing in English haha
My sister was reading the comments and wants me to clarify that she never suffered any kind of a abuse, she has a lot of friends and never had any problem with anyone but likes to be alone from time to time to meditate.
And she's not neurodivergent (She said her behavior was normal because of her TLP), suffers from ED, borderline personality disorder and see a psychologist twice a month.
During her adolescence, the blogs Ana and mia were trendy, her friends had that 'aesthetic' and she was popular in fotolog (according to my sister, at that time it was taken as an aesthetic and even a book about that was really popular between teens, maybe someone from my country knows Abzurdah?). She hated going out when she felt fat, she couldn't have imperfections like cuts on her arms so she hurt herself with a rubber band when she overate, something she read in those blogs. Now she's in a good weight but it took her really long to not relapse again. It's been a long recovery for her and once you're anorexic you never stop being anorexic, she's always afraid of relapsing.
So that's it for now, we don't know how we're going to talk with our parents without making them freak out. And also my sister after seeing the comments on the post saw other reddit posts and said that her life is definitely better without a cell phone, she says that things like fotolog was the beginning of all evil haha
Relevant Comments
OOP on his sister being involved with Rastafari

OOP: Idk how it is in other countries to be honest, my sister doesn't live in community and there are no camps, she's one of the few who has a house because most of them prefer to travel around the country.
I really think it's impossible for them to be 100% Rastafarian here tbh because we are from South America and the Rastafarian community here is obviously totally different from the REAL Rastafarians, they just follow most of the philosophy
Edit: for example, my sister doesn't consider herself Rastafarian but she share some points of the philosophy they have, I don't know how the rest of them thinks

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I didn't want to post here but I didn't really have a choice so i am just gonna cut to the chase. My older sister is dating my nephew. It sounds weird but please read. They both are under 18 so I wont use real names. First, I will start with explanations about my family. My other older sister I will call her Hope) who is 30 at the time of this post is married to my brother-in law. My brother in-law's brother and his wife was caught doing "Illegal things" (Sorry Its still an ongoing case atm). So brother in-law's other brother and his wife decided to take their kids in but they were still living with Hope and my brother in-law and one of those kids were my nephew who I will name Lee was one of those kids.
(By the way, when me, Pou, and my other older sister who is a year older than me were in foster care. When we were, my brother in-law and Hope took us in and this was when I was five or six. Hope, my other sis whom I'll call Alin and me walked in on Lee and Pou cuddling. That was when Pou was eight or seven and Lee was 9 or 10. )
My sister whom I will call Pou started acting strange when we were folding boats for their grandpa whom recently passed away. Folding boats for our loved ones is part of our tradition. Pou and Lee were acting strange because they were glancing at each other as if they were elementary children.
That's when my suspicions started. Not to be creepy or anything but every movement they made and every small action I was watching as I did with everyone else. To be honest watching and reading people's face wrinkles and actions became a habit when I was 11 and right now I'm 14 so three years of experience was screaming "Somethings happening" So I will list things that stood out and rose my suspicions.
1.Lee's Actions: Lee is a quiet guy just like my brother in-law and they both are talkative to people they know. So during spring break we went to spend time at Hope's house to help with the kids and to hang out. Suddenly Lee came into our room and decided to hang out with us. Usually when we are over Lee stays in the basement. Even Hope said that. I didn't think much of it and thought he had a change of heart.
2.Pou's Voice: Pou is a confident talkative girl and her voice is like Jim Carrey, Drake, and Jennie if they were in one voice box. So that same day where Lee cam into the room to hangout, Pou was acting strange and I noticed Lee being distant from me and Hope. So when Pou would start talking its like she was summoning the snow white out of her soul. So of course that made me realize, "Yea, something is goin on here"
3.Pou's Actions: Usually when it comes to Hope's house Pou wouldn't really be that enthusiastic when going. So when we were about to come back home from Hope's house Pou said."To be honest, I kind don't wanna go home." We had to anyways because we had school the next day. She also would use the bathroom in the basement where Lee sleeps. (The basement is not messy its actually a bar, gym, and bedroom.) Usually Pou would be reluctant to use the bathroom in the basement because that bathroom was cramped and the door couldn't close properly. So when she did I was already convinced she was seeing him.
Lee wanted to wrestle me and Pou or so I thought. My other nephew whom I'll name Leo loves to wrestle me and Pou because I'm a workout freak and Pou for her natural strength. So when Lee wanted to wrestle I was tryna warm up but Lee and Pou were already goin at it. They were gentle and giggling. Its like they were teasing each other.
Next is Confirming My Suspicions
During her visit to the basement she was taking too long so I decided, "Lets see if I'm right." So I tried sneaking down in the basement but my dam flip flops were slapping my feet and the stairs would creak so they hear me coming down. When I opened the door Lee was pretending to be asleep and Pou coincidentally "finished" using the bathroom. A few things stood out

1. Pou was out of breath
2. She was smiling and looking to my left.
3. I looked at her direction, she didnt look like she came around the corner where the bathroom was at. it looked like she just turned around from going to the direction of the bathroom.

I asked her, "Why do you talk in that voice whenever Lee is near?" and she got defensive on me telling me not to get the wrong idea.
Yesterday, we were watching a horror movie named Exhuma and babysitting. Me, Hope, Pou, and Alin were there and we were gonna use the bathroom one by one since we are watching our 1 year old niece. Pou wanted to use the bathroom in the basement since one of our nephews was taking too long. Once he was done, Me, Hope, and Alin had already used the bathroom. We waited and waited on our phones. I was honestly in a good mood since I had predicted the movie's outcome but Pou was killing the suspense of the movie so I told Hope and Alin that I was going to check on her. This time instead of trying to sneak, I decided to run down as it was a habit and when I burst opened the door, Boom, them rushing to get away from each other. Lee was laying on his stomach and face on the pillow, Pou standing up in shock, eyes wide, one hand on her waist and the other covering her mouth. The only thing I thought was, "So I was right." I told her that I had a suspicion and tried to confirm it earlier. Honestly the only real emotion I could get out was a laugh. I didnt really feel anything about it but how funny it was.
How They Feel
Pou told me that she feels that she's truly in love with him and so is he. She told me things how they started falling for each other and by the information it sounds like Lee was the one in love first. It was a romantic story but she told me it was forbidden love. To me it seems more like Illegal love. For the record we come form a strict Asian house hold and culture. In our culture reputation is money, power, status, life. She told me that she loved him because he wasn't a brain-rotted 17 year old guy. Yes Pou is 16 and Lee is 17. Lee was healthy. He worked out just like me and was somewhat productive. She said that Lee was the only one who like her cranky and funny personality. He embraced her body like it was a statue. He didn't just like her, he loved her, and they loved each other. She said that she loved his voice, his protection, and his way of affection. She loved listening to him like he was a melody on the beach. It was addicting and calming to her in my opinion. She cried. She didn't trust me. I understood why.
Just a little information. I was mature for my age. I knew many things, and had many secrets and secrets of others. I used these secrets to get information of other people or use it to my advantage. In public I used an Innocent face, voice and personality. With family, neutral and tried to make others smile. Alone is when I express myself. I use information from others around me to blackmail or just to see their expressions because it was entertaining. I hurt people who hurt me and one of those were Pou.
So I understood why she didn't trust me. If I met me, I wouldn't trust me either. In all the conversations and stories, I felt like I related. I was also wondering what I would do if I lost someone close to me and I did, we all did. She told me that he was the reason she could live, losing him would mean losing herself. She told me to keep it to myself till the day I die. She couldn't trust me to the point she started eating less.
I'm not begging for her trust if anything I didn't want to get involved but curiosity drives me nuts.
I don't know if this is even legal. My strict parents would kick her out and my elders would give her a nickname to gossip about. I'm just a kid relying on internet people I truly don't know. I know its stupid but I cant anyone. My parents would disown her, I would get yelled at and my sis Hope would get shamed on by my brother in-law's elders. I'm supposed be the mediator in these situations but ever outcome I can think of leads to nowhere that everyone is good.
Hope is a good person and she is my main concern. Me and Leo are close and his nephews and nieces love me and I love them too. If I ruin their relationship, it would affect Leo, Hope, Lee, my nieces and nephews and my brother in-law. She's my sister who has never hurt me.
Adults or anyone experienced in things like this could help me, I truly don't know what to do, advice would be nice.

So, my husband and I have been married for about two years. Recently, I realized that I want to have a more romantic relationship. I don't mean anything crazy; I just want our relationship to feel more special. I'm not sure why, but lately, I've been getting this overwhelming feeling that we don't interact in the way I want. He almost constantly teases me to the point that I feel like he never takes the majority of our interactions seriously in any way. He calls me nicknames that I don't really like instead of my name or sweet pet names like honey etc. When I'm trying to talk about how my day, he'll give me a little kick to my ass. It's not like an actual kick, but more like a little touch to make my ass jiggle a little. Then I feel like he isn't listening to what I said at all. If I get mad about him doing that, he acts like I'm too sensitive or taking things too seriously. Like he literally interrupted me which feels like he didn't care about what I had to say. I have just been feeling like a glorified roommate. Or like when you think of stuff that siblings do to annoy you, that's what he does to me.
The way he tends to come on to me has also been bugging the hell out of me. Sometimes he'll be on his phone and just pull his dick out and wave it around like I'm supposed to just latch on and take it from there. We've had some intimacy issues since I've had relatively low libido from my birth control. I had been off it recently and I feel like my sex drive has increased quite a bit, but I'm just not sure how to approach the subject anymore since it feels like sex is just something to satiate his needs instead of doing something passionate. He often comes onto me in his sleep and then it's a 50/50 shot of if he just forgets about it of gets mad that I didn't put out even when it's like 2 AM.
Fuck I don't know what to do or how to communicate my issues with him more than I have been. It just feels like when I try to give him more intimacy like he has obviously been displaying that he wants more of, he's either uninterested or expects me to do all the work. Some advice would be helpful.

I've peeked around but couldn't find a post like this. so: Soon it'll be a year since I've came out. I told my mom first, who told my dad. And who apparently told some other family members lol..The only one I've talked to extensively about it is my mom though.
My mom and sisters refer to me by my preferred pronouns and name (He/they). My mom isn't consistent and may slip on conversations with others but I can tell she's trying. My dad..It doesn't feel like he's trying at all. Or if he even remebers. My name happens to be what my nickname was before so that's fine, but I'm still always "she" and his "daughter". Being my dad and all I'm too nervous to correct him as idk if he'd take it well.
Anyone else in my family (even those my mom apparently told) Still call me "she" and my legal name. My mom doesn't correct them..And neither do I. Because I have no idea what exactly she told them and coming out again during a family event with 20+ people around is my worst nightmare.
My mom didn't fight me about it at all when I came out but she can be weird about some things..? Recently when going through some pictures from a few years back she points to one and goes "See? You used to wear little skirts 😆", Or when I was confused about what to wear to an event she goes "What about a cute pink frilly dress 😏" I don't feel she's genuinely suggesting anything but it still makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.
I've also been open about wanting to start T (but can't atm do to financials) but she's a bit weird about that too and I have to change the topic everytime.. Sometimes she'll just randomly ask "So..What do you think the hormones or whatever are going to do?" To which I list the effects and she latches onto one thing that could be "solved" without T.
Once again I don't want to think she feels this way..But sometimes I feel like she views me as her "confused butch daughter", as even when I came out as Bi when I was a teen she had trouble understanding I like multiple genders. Not knowing what she told everyone else exactly makes me nervous they feel that way too. My mom said they just said "Happy child happy life" and that she was glad she "didn't have to fight anyone" but idk..I'm just really worried the day my transness becomes "unavoidable" or I speak up more things will get really tense. Maybe it's just my anxiety.
My apologies for the long post. Just don't have anywhere else to get this off my chest.

• Spawn system is unbearable after extended play time. Half of the game is just deathmatch fighting at spawn in which kind of defeats the purpose of an open world style game. Please add many other spawn points with a wider range on the sides of maps or make a dynamic spawn system that detects other player proximity and moves your spawn based on range so there is at least a buffer of room to get away. I know this is hard to do on farm based on the map size but currently this spawn system is going to turn off a lot of players since the game is built around hardcore loss of gear.
• Initial recoil bounce of guns should be removed/reworked. This was already hated in tarkov for years and makes semi auto guns really unviable compared to full auto. Please change this to be a more consistent curve of recoil instead of just a barrel bounce. Think Valorant (EDIT) but more realistic based on attachments, etc.
• Jumping and shooting with full accuracy (super manning corners) needs to be nerfed. This is especially bad with scavs who have zero reason to lose anything and can still melt your legs/face with stock guns. I do enjoy the more arcadey movement but please don't make this into a call of duty 360 noscope type of game. If your feet are off of the ground your gun recoil should be double in my opinion. Easy fix.
• Full auto spread needs increased (lazer hipfire is bad FPS design). Currently full auto guns are way too strong in terms of being able to just hipfire horizontally and not really aim the gun. I do not want the goofy solutions that tarkov did like durability and jamming to make full auto not so dominant. Just make the recoil realistic in terms of the first few shots are accurate where aiming and then if you continue full auto the cone spreads. This is a known design that works in just about every single FPS game. Keep the realistic ballistics of course but also make the recoil patterns realistic as well. If you want an FPS shooter that is skill based than the player should be controlling the recoil not some arbitrary system. The current design just promotes cheesing as players will shoot the first 2-3 shots prefire into the corner of a wall knowing by the time they strafe out the recoil is "fixed" and they laser. It is just bad design overall for a game that wants tactical realism.
• Scav detection radius is absurd. I am not sure if it changes based on your player level but after hitting level 30 scavs see me from EVERYWHERE. I am talking like a 150m radius if I am anywhere near them I am spotted. They very often comm and rush at me from behind cover or non line of sight where they really should have no idea of my exact location other than general footsteps. Sniper scavs on valley are just as bad and I have been hit through trees at like 300m out just randomly moving through cover. Either please reduce the detection radius or make thier shots a bit less accurate. Sniper scav will basically kill you by shot 3 if you do not have hard cover or some serious armor. I have even multiple times (im taking like every other raid) will see a scav in the distance just straight rushing at my location when I have not fired a shot or given any target inidcator and I will just watch them path right up to me like a magnet. Its both immersion breaking and annoying as hell.
• Scav tanking expensive ammo. This one drives me insane. If you want to make scavs be stronger by increasing health pools than please make some kind of visual change to thier clothing to look armored, especially the face. They dont actually have to have lootable gear obviously to keep the loot balance but there is nothing more immersion breaking or frustrating than shooting a scav with a baseball cap in the face and they just flinch and run off. This is one of the worst design aspects of tarkov and how BSG uses hp pools to balance the boss/AI and it kills me to see it copied in ABI. Please ask the art team to do some kind of pass even making the scavs have ghetto looking armor like something out of the game Rust to keep with the lore feel.
• Higher tier 6-7 7.62x54R does same TTK hits as lvl 5 making the cost pointless in many hours of sniping with a mosin. So basically T5 ammo costs roughly $1k. It on average will two shot body a naked and three shot a geared player with L4+ armor. Headshots are one hit kill. T6 and T7 mosin ammo again from my extensive tesing does the exact same damage counts in terms of hits. So you are paying an extra $1k per round to get the same bullet DPS. Of course yes these rounds will shine vs level6+ armor players but I do not think any ammo worth $1k+ per round should take more than two body shots for L4 armor players. There are a few exceptions to this but I have used mosin on Valley for multiple 10+ hour sessions and something is weird with the 7.62x54R T6 and T7 ammo class.
• Shoulder swap for weapons to left peek. This is an easy addition and honestly should be in any tactical FPS game that requires CQB fighting. Please add this for a huge quality of life.
• Option in player list that can be enabled so whatever team mate gets the killing blow can only loot that body who they killed locking out the rest of the team. This would greatly help with players not wanting to join random squads and get thier stuff taken after putting in the hard work of securing the kill. Not a perfect solution but would greatly help stopping thieves. Yes would players try to "last hit" to steal your loot? Sure. Would this system work 10x better than currently just watching a teammate rat your gear? Absolutely. Again make this a selecable option in the lobby so party leaders can choose and everyone wins. You don't want that option just don't enable it.
• Allow ANY keyboard key to be rebound. Many of us use custom key binds that are shared across multiple game titles and having to "relearn" the keys for this game because certain keys like ALT can not be bound to crouch for example makes the player controller feel really bad. A normal person is not going to just unlearn 15+ years of gaming keyboard binds and so every time there is a panicked firefight I naturally revert to the expected keys and it gets me killed. Super annoying and again very basic fix to allow those keys to be rebound.

My main concern right now is that these types of changes I have listed have taken tarkov YEARS to update. So what I do not want to happen is players having to camp the ABI patch notes for another 2-3 years just to get back those quality of life changes missing in this game that tarkov now has resolved. I do expect ABI to be much more efficient with the patch releases but none the less for someone who has played tarkov for many years some of these changes feel like "starting over with an old version" waiting for the same fixes that already exist in tarkov. They copied a lot of the bad design aspects of tarkov along with the good in my opinion.
At the end of the day this game is fantastic and really blends the casual and tactical mix to hit a wide audience. If you do not currently have beta access please do understand watching the game really does not do it justice. You have to play it to feel all of the small quality of life changes that make this title rival tarkov. I personally could care less if the game is copied or not. They did it better and BSG had 6 years to get thier act together. Someone like myself has been praying for this exact mix of extraction for a long time now. As long as the monetization does not impede the hardcore looting aspect AKA buying gear than I think this game will be just fine for the long run. Good luck out there!

For context, my character is a half orc who was raised by a human mother and an orc father, outside of any tribe as the father left his to be with the mother and they happily lived together and had him
The father and the mother are not officially married, so there's no taking the husband's last name on the child or mother's part
I was brainstorming that my character's name would be Evander Grimrarot (first name given by human mother, last given by orc father, but not "first and last names" and moreso first and second names, as it was their way of each giving him a first name)
Does this sound good/make sense? If not, what would you suggest?
(I also think Evander has plenty of fun nicknames, like Eve, Vandy, Ander, etc, and Grimrarot also does, like Grim, Raro, rottie, etc, but I wasn't sure if these names made sense/if Grimrarot is "orc enough")
(A name besides Grimrarot that his orc parent could've given him could've been Siegfried, but I wasn't sure that was "orc enough" either)
(I'm also not super sure what he'd be as far as classes go, like ... Rogue seemed feasible-ish? So does barbarian, so I could have him be one or the other or both if that would make sense and is possible. Umm what class or classes do you guys think would fit this character?
For context he's a reanimated/reborn lineage half orc who was brought back after he died doing really dangerous jobs for money out of desperation, so he was a bit of a thief and a fighter for hire to try and keep his family afloat, and he was brought back to life(ish) by the wizard who hired him solely because he wanted to use him as a disposable worker and not have to pay him since he was dead(ish) and stuff, so .
Anything that works well with that backstory/situation- sorry if the explanation is a little messy or hard to follow, I had to shorten his entire document to put the context here cuz otherwise it'd be a big story dump)

Hi! i don’t have my full name on my icloud account, only my nickname. but when i log in with icloud on apps, the username that gets automatically put in the apps is my full name? i don’t know how to stop this and i prefer to not have my full name used. I would really appreciate some help! Thanks ^{^}

I hate venting online as it’s futile and embarrassing for me (no one has to feel this way. This is just my own personal view that is mine and only mine) So, I will probably delete this soon for I also hate showing weakness to strangers since it always leads to more abuse it seems and i am often weary of others. So, with this, I’ll try and open up even if it’s temporary.

A bit of backstory I guess. My mother died when I was 7 which left behind a hole that needed to be filled for dad and I. She, the step “mom”, came along to help us for she struggled with a divorce of an abusive ex husband. She had issues, as you would expect, yet here I thought of her as someone I could get along with, to play with, to be around when things got bad, and all the things a little kid would think. At first, everything was fine, I even had silly nicknames for her that she “enjoyed” she responded with kindness to these (one was care bear, another was pumpkin because it was fall and she liked the smell, the others I don’t remember) and I remember how happy I was when she liked the little nicknames. Since it was the beginning, I would want her over often as I wanted someone to become a person I could look for as a mom but not as a replacement to my actual mom who recently died during that time. I liked her. 

Alas these things don’t get a happy ending, as with time, dad got more ill. During this time she would be by his side more (which is totally understandable, I would too for my lover I didn’t show jealousy during this time but support as I got to spend more time with my “sister”) and it slowly evolved to hospital visits. I would slowly pick up being a “parent” for her disabled daughter when I was 9/10/11 (can’t remember exact age, sorry). This was because she would go out with dad to spend time with him, go to the other room to isolate from us (either needing alone time or to help him. Not my business), be with him for hospital stays, etc. I was used to this since I was accustomed to helping my dad with his medical issues and helped him get ready for “life” by the time I was late 7/early 8 due to his own health failing as well.
Hop years later. After problem and after problem I had gotten in with her and vice versa I realize my step mother never genuinely cared about me. I know it takes two to tango and it’s partly my fault, I get where I fell in my faults and I’ve accepted them as my lessons in day to day life. I’m not perfect. As I became more reclusive to her as she showed a lack of accountability (and to this day, she won’t admit and see why it was so wrong for her to do things that were heavily against me) I was then always the scapegoat as she showed love and gushed over her actual kids (this was always a issue, I just didn’t think about it as a little kid and I got “bratty” when I got older as i began to recognize the “unfairness”). My achievements were worthless and often met with a “you should’ve already been good at that”, “you should know better by now”, or “that should already have been done if it was something important to you”. The typical “you aren’t good enough” wearing different clothes.
The feelings of being useless had already creeped in by the time I was 10/11 so this was going on for a long time (along with many other issues that I’m not gonna get into). Even as I got nearly straight A’s in college I was never praised except by dad (who unfortunately died when I was early 19. I miss him to this day). I know I should not have sought out praise, especially if I was grown, but I would’ve loved a “good job” from her… I know that’s silly but it would’ve been nice to be seen as her actual kid worthy of love and being seen that way just a little. I know my pesky teen years didn’t help but I was still her kid in some capacity but I was treated like a punching bag. All because she had her own jealousy and hate for me. (Even her own kids called her out on how she treated me, nothing changed from her.)
Now with no family left except a few aunts, she tried everything she can to ensure I don’t become independent (I don’t wanna talk too much about it, I’m too tired plus this post is getting rather long as it is).
The parts that hurt the most were: She refused my safety from my childhood to adulthood. She never cared what truly happened to me it seems.
Never really paid attention to me unless to berate me which was done usually in the form of gossiping to others. Plus attempting to embarrass me in front of others so when my teenage self got upset she can use my reaction as “proof” and to “justify” herself, sometimes trying to attempt it to adult me as she smiled and snickered about it. Thankfully most adults who were older took pity and even commented on how arrogant and awful she seemed as a person (adult me, they never did anything about teenage me which I get, I fell for her tricks that made me look bad. Happy I learned that lesson young, at least there is that).
She snooped around my room and life to gossip to her kids about me on how much of a failure I was and how disgusting of a person I am. Then got mad when I isolated or kept my life very secretive.
She would find issues with me just to try to make my dad hate me which thankfully it failed. I’m unsure if this was a attempt to further isolate me because I wasn’t a part of her “actual kids”. I don’t know and I’m too tired to know, it’s done and over with I can vent about that in therapy. However she sadly was successful in getting him to yell at me. The worst part of the yelling is that she would watch me cry or go to the other room to listen rather than just leaving me alone. I now realize it was a way for her to “get off” I believe.
When she realized she couldn’t control my life she tried hiding food from me as I was early 20’s because she had “control issues with me” (her words not mine). I didn’t like things going to waste so I’d eat nearly expired foods often and she would get pissy that I was “stealing from her”.
She gossiped to strangers about how I never do anything with myself and suspected I was just a useless failure. (I was in college with a job, thanks.)
When I did finally snap from the times she would treat me poorly she held on to it. I guess to put it, think of me over reacting I get I did wrong and I learned my lesson but when she snapped with a over reaction or something really hurtful she expected to be forgiven.
She also would steal from me and blame me (but would expect me to keep my hands to myself when I was hungry and didn’t have the time or funds to get food… this one still bothers me but I will talk in detail of this to my therapist not here as I’m tired and the post is already long enough).
All I wanted was a mom to care but I guess I couldn’t get that because the one I got died when I barely got to know her. There is more to say but I think that is all of us here, too much to say about someone who was supposed to love us. My apologies if my post is in shambles I never really let anything out like this so I’m sure I kinda sound “childish” but like- I really hate Mother’s Day and I just wanted to let it out, even if I delete this later.

so basically i been talking to this boy for a while. backstory cuz they're imporant, me and these two girls have a class together and one day they came to my other class and basically was like "this boy wanna talk to you" and i was like whatever probably not me, but i followed him on ig and he immediately followed back and was like "hey ive seen you around school n i think u cute" so i was like whatever, and since that day we been talking,
he admitted he liked me. in text, he was like "i just really like you and wanna get to know you more" and he had a long list of reasons he liked me. so, its not like we've just been talking, he has admitted that he has a crush on me. ALSO, he told me he would follow me to classes, look in my classes to see me occasionally, and he asked some of his female friends for help on finding out who i was.
he comes to my classes to say hi to me because we dont got classes together. but he got suspended cuz something and i noticed like i understand responding can be a lot for some people, like mentally so i understand. but i just personally felt like you're suspended and he would rant to me about how he was bored n didn't have shit to do, so why are u taking 3-7 hours to text back...whatever, alright.
now, let me just say i totally believe men and women can be friends. i totally believe that! but when he's posting a photo on ig and there are multiple girls commenting calling him nicknames, commenting hearts, etc, i just wonder "hmm" but whatever! i try not to get jealous, i believe men and women can be friends.
but when youre posting on your story a girl in her prom dress, with a big ass red heart in the middle, with the lyrics to ariana grande's intro (end of the world), i wonder, what the fuck? cuz why have you admitted you liked me, stalked me, but you're posting "If the sun refused to shine. baby, would I still be your lover? would you want me there?" i'm wondering damn! why am i still entertaining him?
SHOULD I BLOCK HIM OR AM I OVERDRAMATIC

so basically i been talking to this boy for a while. backstory cuz they're imporant, me and these two girls have a class together and one day they came to my other class and basically was like "this boy wanna talk to you" and i was like whatever probably not me, but i followed him on ig and he immediately followed back and was like "hey ive seen you around school n i think u cute" so i was like whatever, and since that day we been talking,
he admitted he liked me. in text, he was like "i just really like you and wanna get to know you more" and he had a long list of reasons he liked me. so, its not like we've just been talking, he has admitted that he has a crush on me. ALSO, he told me he would follow me to classes, look in my classes to see me occasionally, and he asked some of his female friends for help on finding out who i was.
he comes to my classes to say hi to me because we dont got classes together. but he got suspended cuz something and i noticed like i understand responding can be a lot for some people, like mentally so i understand. but i just personally felt like you're suspended and he would rant to me about how he was bored n didn't have shit to do, so why are u taking 3-7 hours to text back...whatever, alright.
now, let me just say i totally believe men and women can be friends. i totally believe that! but when he's posting a photo on ig and there are multiple girls commenting calling him nicknames, commenting hearts, etc, i just wonder "hmm" but whatever! i try not to get jealous, i believe men and women can be friends.
but when youre posting on your story a girl in her prom dress, with a big ass red heart in the middle, with the lyrics to ariana grande's intro (end of the world), i wonder, what the fuck? cuz why have you admitted you liked me, stalked me, but you're posting "If the sun refused to shine. baby, would I still be your lover? would you want me there?" i'm wondering damn! why am i still entertaining him?
SHOULD I BLOCK HIM OR AM I OVERDRAMATIC?

so basically i been talking to this boy for a while. backstory cuz they're imporant, me and these two girls have a class together and one day they came to my other class and basically was like "this boy wanna talk to you" and i was like whatever probably not me, but i followed him on ig and he immediately followed back and was like "hey ive seen you around school n i think u cute" so i was like whatever, and since that day we been talking,
he admitted he liked me. in text, he was like "i just really like you and wanna get to know you more" and he had a long list of reasons he liked me. so, its not like we've just been talking, he has admitted that he has a crush on me. ALSO, he told me he would follow me to classes, look in my classes to see me occasionally, and he asked some of his female friends for help on finding out who i was.
he comes to my classes to say hi to me because we dont got classes together. but he got suspended cuz something and i noticed like i understand responding can be a lot for some people, like mentally so i understand. but i just personally felt like you're suspended and he would rant to me about how he was bored n didn't have shit to do, so why are u taking 3-7 hours to text back...whatever, alright.
now, let me just say i totally believe men and women can be friends. i totally believe that! but when he's posting a photo on ig and there are multiple girls commenting calling him nicknames, commenting hearts, etc, i just wonder "hmm" but whatever! i try not to get jealous, i believe men and women can be friends.
but when youre posting on your story a girl in her prom dress, with a big ass red heart in the middle, with the lyrics to ariana grande's intro (end of the world), i wonder, what the fuck? cuz why have you admitted you liked me, stalked me, but you're posting "If the sun refused to shine. baby, would I still be your lover? would you want me there?" i'm wondering damn! why am i still entertaining him?
SHOULD I BLOCK HIM OR AM I OVERDRAMATIC

https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bykm11/anaia/
https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bxzqi4/siste
About a month ago, I posted two separate posts on this subreddit about my younger sister, Anaia, who passed away on March 17th, 2024. In one post I gave photos, and in the other I wrote about her addiction, but I don't think I've really talked about myself.
It has been nearly two months since my little sister passed away, and I wouldn't describe it as grueling or depressing, just unusual. On April 22nd, it was confirmed to my family that Anaia died as a result of fentanyl toxicity, which was the reason I always assumed but to have it confirmed was very depressing. Yesterday, I went to my grandmother's house and there were a few copies of Anaia's death certificate, in the onset interval to death section, I said minutes. When talking to my mother (me and my parents talk all the time, my dad sits in my room and plays games while we talk about Anaia or something random, and me and my mother will talk about random things as well as Anaia too.), she told me her perspective of that morning. Long story short, around 11:45AM, I woke up to my mother screaming my sister's name and she soon realized she was unresponsive, me and my father woke up soon after and I called 911, and that's the short version. I assumed my sister was in her covers sleeping and fentanyl overrid her system, but no, my mom told me that when she walked into Anaia's room, she was laid flat out on top of all of her covers, arms outstretched to the side. Learning that was a major shock to me, and I'll explain why.
Sure, Anaia's death was nearly instant. But hearing the details of what my mom said really drove him that once it happened, it didn't matter whether we went into there at the right time or later, there was likely nothing that could've been done. From my understanding, it was almost as if she was up one second and collapsed the next. There was dried vomit on clothes next to her bed, making me assume that after vomiting, she just collapsed instantly after and died. After calling 911, my mother demanded out of fear for me to help her perform CPR, and I didn't hesitate to do so. But, anyone in that situation could tell, with no details given, that there was nothing that could've been done. The typical signs of a deceased body were very present, and even I (doing the mouth resuscitation) knew that if I felt no air coming back onto me, and touching her neck didn't give a pulse, I quickly understood that this was it, like there was nothing me or my parents could've done. When the paramedics arrived at 12 exactly, it took them a minute or two for them to tell us that there was nothing to be done, and ultimately, Anaia had died long, long before we got to her. They said roughly 6-8 hours, meaning at the earliest 3am, and at the latest 5am. It's a disheartening fact for him, and even my father expressed to me too a few nights ago, but we wished that at least there was a chance for us to get to her beforehand. Maybe if he and I or my mom went into her room for no real reason in the middle of the night, we would've been able to save her. What really struck me when my dad was telling me that was him acknowledging that while he and my mom were watching TV, he couldn't bare to imagine that simultaneously Anaia was dying. I felt the same way, I was awake around 3-3:30AM, and if she died during that time, I was totally unaware scrolling through my phone.
I wish that there was something to be done. During her time alive, and when she started doing street dealt percocets, I warned her about fentanyl, and ultimately I wish she had heeded my warning and stayed off them when she did quit in December. I'm a sociable person, and I'm one of those people that have a wide different variety of groups and friends I hang out with, and I may not be in extracurricular activities but even those that are popular in my school know me. As a result of being so sociable, I know people that do drugs, and only a set few who do percocets, one of my closest friends used to be a heavy percocet user and I used to tell her as much as I did my sister to quit. My friend and my sister quit, but one returned and one didn't. One is still here, and one is not. It doesn't matter how many people I told not to do percocets, of course I would've wanted my sister to be the one to really listen to me. But ultimately, the person I wanted to save the most didn't make it. I've saved others, but with my sister, it almost made my words feel like nothing after she died. No matter however many times I told her to please find something less dangerous and more beneficial, to not risk her life, she kept using and lost her life. Said friend and two other friends of my sister (I know both of them) were also at some point active percocet users, and they told me that they felt it like it should've been them, seeing my mother made them see that that could've been their parents, their siblings, their friends and relatives, etc. I told them bluntly that it in fact could've been them in Anaia's position, I told them that just because Anaia's clock stopping running doesn't mean there's has to, they can avoid being in her position. Then it got me thinking, there's plenty of other people who overdose on purpose, who overdose 9 times, who overdose and suffer long term effects like paralyzation, but still remain. Anaia overdosed once, and that was the final time. I believe in God and Jesus but I'm not a preacher, I believe and keep it pushing but I'm not religiously based. I believe in the concept of everyone having a time and a date, but sometimes I find myself questioning that if that's the case, are we just here to live a predetermined fate that we have no control over? At the end of the day, was I meant to go through this? Thinking like that plagues my mind, but I settle for it being her time to go, as seeing other drug users made me wonder what they may be here to prove on earth that Anaia could not. I don't like questioning others' lives and why they get to live longer, that's not me, and I'm glad they've been granted more chances, it just sucks my sister wasn't granted that chance in the grand scheme of things. Predetermined or not, there was so much she could've lived for, but I believe there's a reason time can't be reversed, and there's many unexplained miracles that somehow eases me into thinking that I shouldn't throw myself into a hole of questioning why she didn't get a chance, and just accepting that her race ended earlier than mine. I believe things happen for a reason, it's an insensitive statement depending on the situation, but things happen for people to learn and grow from them, but no one really knows why. I've just had to come to the conclusion hat my sister is okay, she's safe, and I have no reason to continue to question her life and worry about her if she's not here with me anymore, you feel?
From a brother perspective, it sucks. It feels somewhat lonely, to live and breathe as an only child. I've become accustomed to being an older brother to a younger sister, but I turned 16 without her, and that's how it'll be for the rest of my life. At her visitation on March 30th, I didn't cry, but seeing her body just made me shake my head. She looked very nice, the funeral home did an amazing job, but it hit me that this was really her. There were distinct things I saw that she had in life that made me come to that conclusion that that was what was left my little sister, and at the funeral + burial the next day, watching her being lowered into the ground left my head empty. No thoughts, she watching as her casket covered in a white sheet was lowered into the ground, and that'd be it. I grew up with this person, and now I have to look down on this person and go through life without this amazing person. I never imagine something like this happening, especially not like this. I always wanted to die first because I was older, a thought I feared ever since I was a child. That didn't get to happen, and milestones man. She'll never get to graduate the year after me, never get to have that lovely relationship with that special one that she always wanted, she never got to be an aunt, a mom, nothing. One day, I hope to have children and I will tell them about Anaia, but do I wish they'd have been able to meet her if that time came. Everyday, I walk past her room, sometimes I go in there and sometimes I don't. Two weeks after her death, her mattress was taken out by me and my dad's friend, up until a few weeks ago, her room was left scattered the way it was when she died minus the mattress, and now, everything has been cleaned up. It's empty, and the emptiness is another reality check. I'll never see Anaia again, and in the potential next life I believe I will, but the fact I can't now is a hard concept to grasp. No more walking to the bus stop, no more barging into her room or vice versa, no more waiting forever for her to complete her makeup, no more random room hangouts, no more of her asking me to flash a light for her Instagram pictures for an excruciating ten minutes, none of them. Her physical presence is gone, I come home everyday and instantly the thought of her being gone hits me. Riding in the car with my parents, being at school, going out, it doesn't feel the same knowing in the back of my head she's gone, no matter how much fun I have. Regardless, I've returned to normal life, matter of fact, I started going to school every day instantly after the funeral, and during the two weeks of March 17th-March 31st, I showed up to school here and there. It didn't take a toll to do so, because I've accepted that though Anaia died, I'm still alive? I don't stop when she does, that'll have more of an effect. Life still goes on, time doesn't stop for no one no matter how much I may want it to. I honestly sit my current happiness at like a 6.5-7, higher than one may expect. I still have my parents, my friends, and all of my relatives, an important chunk is just missing but I still have my people. I only feel alone in the sibling aspect, but in reality, people make me happy everyday and still continue to. I joke how I've always joked, people have said I look much better than how I did initially, there's notable sadness on my face, but I look happier. If that's true, then I hope it stays that way. I still go out to these afterschool events, outside friend hangous, they bring joy. I just miss my sister 25/8, but I've learned to appreciate life just a little bit more now. If she's okay, I'm okay.
Lastly, I wanted to mention dreams. People say they have dreams of deceased loved ones all the time, I personally haven't yet, would like to, but until then that hasn't been the case. I'm not talking dreams with the person in them, I mean direct communication dreams. My mother has had two, my dad's friend has had one, and my close friend mentioned earlier has had one, but the one that sticks out the most is my little cousin's dream. My mom has a younger sister herself and in 2018, she had her first child, his nickname is JP. During 2021-2022, me and Anaia lived with my grandmother due to losing our apartment (our parents stayed separately at a grouphome my dad worked at, they work for my grandmother's company), and my aunt as well as JP stayed with my grandma. JP essentially became me and Anaia's little brother that we didn't have, and vice versa for him, he sees me and Anaia has his older siblings. Seeing him seem so heartbroken after Anaia died was very sad, as you can see written on this five-year-old's face that Anaia was someone who truly mattered to him and he was so sad about it. However, in his dream, Anaia came to him and told him she loved all of us, that she regretted not seeing him grow older, and that what happened to her was an accident. The part that got me was that Anaia told him that where she was was beautiful, he asked to see it, and she told him he couldn't see it yet. Kids just don't make things like that up in my opinion, and he worded it very detailed for a kindergartener, and JP is at the age where his words don't conflict with other things he's said, he's consistent with it and he tells me the same thing he told me the first time when I ask him here and then. He can see it one day, but he can't see it, not yet. What that tells me is that if life is so hard, death must be so beautiful afterwards, and that there is an afterlife. Even if I believed in a separate religion, or if my current religion isn't the truth, I will always believe in an afterlife. I refuse to believe that this world is it, and kids just don't pull stuff out their butt in a serious situation. I believe him. If that's the case, then I'll gladly wait. It doesn't matter how many people die during my lifetime, whatever remains of it, and how many new people I might meet in my life. If my hope of living to elder age and I meet someone and create a family, and even if said wife and or children die before me if that plan does happen, there's only one person I wish to greet me. I hear that people see a loved one before they die, and I hope Anaia is the one that comes to see me when it's all over. Forever, no matter who else passes before me, Anaia's will stay the worst, the most impactful, and that's a strong statement to make but I'm sure of that. I have plenty of goals I have for myself, but my end goal once the others are done is to get past 70, pass peacefully, and have my sister wait for me there. I hope that wouldn't be much to ask for.
That's it.