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Chapter 15: For What You’ve Tamed
“We’ve come a long way, Vikri. Let’s finish your story,” Rayner said as he sat down in the same chair, crossing his legs in the same way.; small consistencies that made the task of talking about my past seem a little more routine. “I understand you lost someone important to you that day.”
I shifted slightly where I sat. “Yeah,” I answered coarsely. I grabbed at the poncho hanging over my shoulders. I remembered what it felt like in my dreams. Radiant warmth always seemed to emanate from it. Not necessarily the poncho itself, but Tenga’s memory. I realized that as long as I had those, then he was still here in a way. I’d much rather have him here than his memory though.
Rayner nodded. “I know what that’s like,” he said in a near whisper.
I shook my head. “It’s not just that I lost him. I…I failed,” I rasped. “I could’ve saved him. Maybe if I’d gone back I could’ve gotten the equipment before the fire did. I was too afraid.”
Rayner nodded slowly. “And now you feel responsible.”
I remained silent as I clutched my tail on the couch beside me. Rayner already knew the answer. He pursed his lips. “Yeah…I know exactly how that feels.”
I looked up at him. For the first time, his eyes weren’t on me, but on the adjacent wall as he seemed to ponder something. “You think about all the things you could have done differently. Things that are so obvious in hindsight,” he sighed and adjusted his glasses. “If only it were that clear in the moment.” He looked up at me, clasping his hands together. “So walk me through what happened.”
I could still vividly remember the moment Tenga got shot. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. So quickly in fact, that it even took Tenga a moment to realize there was a hole in his torso. Minutes of continuous tension shattered with a hail of gunfire lasting less than a second. The echoes continued to howl through the mountains long after the bodies met the snow. My friend was fatally wounded, the snow around him dyed bright red with his blood. And I had to leave him.
The entire time I was in the belly of the federation destroyer with danger lurking around every corner, all I wanted to do was to get this done as quickly as possible and get back to him. I was enraged that they’d done this to him and to billions just like him.
“Tenga was all I thought about the entire time,” I croaked. “And I…I was willing to kill everyone onboard to get back to him, even if there was no way I ever could. I… did things I could never have imagined myself doing even just days ago. I tore a chunk out of my leg just to be able to get to the Krakotl pinning me down with a crowbar.” I inhaled deeply, staring down at my reflection in the water, recalling my bloodshot eyes in the reflection of the ship's monitor. The grimly colorful bloodstains in my fur from several different species.
Rayner nodded. “It was a desperate situation. Many don’t see themselves doing things like that until they’re put in a situation where it's necessary. A situation where it's do or die. No one can fault you for that, especially not with all that depended on you.”
“I guess I just…It’s just worrying knowing that there’s a part of me capable of that.”
The doctor tapped his pen on his notepad as he seemed to think for a moment. “Do you worry that you may have violent outbursts?”
I scoffed. “Well, the events of a few days ago provided good grounds for worry.”
Rayner nodded. “Aggression is common for PTSD victims. It can be difficult to manage intense emotions when your mind is already dealing with so much.
I shook my head. “That’s not the person I want to be.”
Rayner nodded. “I know Vikri. That’s why it's so crucial for you to talk about this stuff. The less all of this weighs on you, the better you’ll be able to control those emotions when they arise.”
He finished writing on his notepad before taking off his glasses and leaning forward slightly. “So what happened to Tenga?”
The question made my heart sink. My mind went quiet. The second hand of time sounded like the footsteps of a giant marching toward…something. My body seemed to go cold and numb. “He died…” I croaked, staring down at the table. That was the first time I’d admitted that to myself verbally in such a direct way. “And I tried so hard,” I choked, tears now streaming down my face. “I did everything in my power to save him. I even put Querek’s life in danger.”
I felt the heat. I could feel cold water dripping from my paws as the burning ship melted the frost accumulating in my fur. I remembered the terrifying hopelessness that gripped me as I gripped Querek and pushed him into the snow. He tried to sacrifice himself for Tenga. What if I had let him? Would it have even worked? Could Tenga accept that?
I recalled the story to Rayner, battling to keep my composure. “I…I watched him die,” I choked. “And I was furious. Reese had to pull me off of him. I wanted to do…something, anything, but…he told them not to bring him back. I think he…” I winced at the thought of him considering this. “I think he’d rather have died sacrificing himself over…going rabid.”
Silence perforated the room for what felt like several long minutes. Rayner sat with his legs crossed, his hand propped up against his mouth. He seemed to become lost in thought for a moment before speaking. “I know how that guilt feels,” he admitted quietly.
I looked at him, somewhat surprised. “You do?”
Rayner nodded, rubbing his hands together. “My son,” he said plainly, taking a long pause before he continued. “He and Jesse were very close as kids. Practically brothers.” He tapped on his clipboard with his pen. “I was…not so available in those days. I was a very different man than I am now. I was still in school. I was always busy, always stressed. I hadn't even considered becoming a therapist. I was deadset on becoming a neurosurgeon.” He scoffed at himself, his head gently shaking back and forth as his gaze grew distant. His delivery lacked that matter-of-fact candor I was so used to by now. He was much quieter; less animated. His eye contact was sporadic and he never stopped fidgeting with his pen. Everything about him seemed suddenly mired in an emotion that was difficult to read. That was when I saw everything we'd done over the past few days for what it really was. Rayner wasn't invincible. He never claimed to be. He was hurt; I could hear it in his voice. He wasn't a person reaching down into the mud and yanking me out by the nape of the neck. He was man covered in mud himself. He wasn't an untouchable hero. Merely a guide.
He continued as that realization struck me. “I loved him as much as a father could. But I was so busy that…well I wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been. That put a big strain on our relationship.” He removed his glasses and wiped the lenses a few times before he continued. “One night we got into an argument. He’d just gotten his license. He had an old beat-up car I'd bought him for his birthday,” he chuffed. “A teen’s first car is always…eccentric. Thought it was a great deal at the time.” He sighed and nodded slightly before continuing. “He left the house enraged, speeding down the road. After a few miles, he lost control, swerved off the road, and hit a tree head-on. The airbag never deployed. The car crumpled like a soda can.”
I stared at him, speechless as he concluded in a near-whisper. “He was declared dead at the scene.”
The room felt hollow for a few long seconds. I searched for a reply but couldn't fathom the right words to say. Fortunately, Rayner didn't stay silent for long. “Like you, I blamed myself for a long…long time.” He sighed. “And it nearly destroyed me.”
I stared at the floor, fidgeting with my tail. “How did you…overcome that?”
“Well it didn't happen overnight,” he replied, flashing a brief smile. “It takes time but, at some point, you have to carry on living. You have to continue loving.” His eyes creased slightly as he looked down at his own hands. “You have to keep loving,” he repeated in a low whisper.
Loud silence claimed the room again as his words sank in. He was right. It was either accept what happened or live like this forever. Looking at it that pragmatically, the choice seemed easy. Emotions are never so logical though. It wasn’t as if he relieved himself of that burden either, it was obvious he still carried it. It just…didn’t weigh as much now. Not because it got lighter, but because he got stronger. I eased into speaking again. “I…I'm sorry. About your son.”
Rayner nodded. “I'm sorry about your friend.”
We both stewed in silence for a minute before Rayner spoke up. “We’ll send you home today.”
“You…really think I’m ready?”
Rayner nodded slowly. “I think so. The medication seems to be working, you haven’t had any breakdowns since you’ve been here. You’ve gotten much better at discussing these things. I think you’re equipped to face this now.”
“...I’m afraid,” I croaked.
“Of what?” Rayner asked, leaning forward
“Of…seeing Lucky again. I'm doubting whether I even should. I was never prepared to be her master. I’m just a danger to her.”
“Vikri,” Rayner exhaled and leaned forward. “You made a mistake. We all do. But you have a responsibility to her. You should at least see her and face that mistake, or you’ll never have closure. What you decide after that is your choice, but I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think.”
“I hope so,” I sighed.
Rayner clicked his pen and set his notepad aside. “We’ve made you some medication to take home, same stuff you've been taking. The plan is to keep lowering the dosage until you’re sleeping without it. We’ve made you some sheets with all the daily doses on them and when to take each one. It’s enough to last you two weeks, then once they’re out, you’ll come back here for another session, then if you need it, we’ll get you more and keep weaning you off them.”
He leaned forward, emphasizing his next words. “And I cannot recommend enough that you go to Jesse’s support group in between our meetings. Those will help you tremendously, I’m sure of it.”
I nodded. “I have his number. I’ll…I’ll give it a shot.”
“You won't regret it,” Rayner assured me. “Jesse was in the same chair as you not too long ago for similar reasons. He has knowledge from first-hand experience. I can vouch for him, he’s a great guy.” He inhaled. “Well, is there anything else Vikri? We won’t be seeing each other again for a while, so if there’s anything else, now’s the time to talk about it.”
I thought for a second. We’d covered almost everything. I’d never discussed those days in so much detail. It felt like being submerged in icy water. It was miserable at first, but over time it became easier, even comfortable. I’d relived so much pain over the last three days, but here at the end of the whole story, It felt less like a nightmare, and more like reality. “No, I don’t think so,” I finally replied.
“Then I’ll clear you to go home. Andrea is here, she’ll give you a ride, I’m sure. Here.” He reached over and handed me a small business card. “That has all my contact information on it. I’m usually here in my office until late at night, so feel free to call if you need anything. If the sedative gives you any issues at all, any side effects, make sure to call and let me know. We followed the recipe to a tee, but it’s wise to be cautious.”
A familiar silence flooded the room as Rayner and I seemed to, for the first time, have nothing left to say. Finally, the doctor spoke. “See you in two weeks, Vikri.”
///////////////////////////////
Golden strands of light danced between the digits of my paw as I moved it in front of the brilliant summer sun. An intense beacon of warmth floating in a sky as blue as Earth’s oceans. The rumble of Andy’s car occupied the air as we cruised down the highway. Vivri was sound asleep in the backseat. The gentle white noise and vibration seemed to knock her out cold. I watched the sunrays dance as I waved my paw in front of me, before turning it around. Several spots on my paw still had obvious scars. I even still had burn scars from the electrical systems aboard the crumbling Cardinal.
I curled my paw closed into a fist and rested my head against it, watching the lush, green mountains pass by in the distance. After three days I was set loose into the world once again, hopefully better armed than I was before. Even after all the weight I doffed from my shoulders in Rayner’s office, a crushing mass still rested on my chest. Lucky.
The weight only became heavier as the car slowed, and rounded a corner into the parking lot of a large animal hospital. Andy gently brought the car to a stop in a parking space in front of the entrance. Occasionally people would walk in and out with their pets, many of which were dogs on leashes.
Vivri stirred awake after we stopped. “Oh…We’re here,” she muttered nervously. “There’s…a lot more animals here than I was expecting.”
Andy chuckled. “It’s an animal hospital girl, there’s gonna be all kinds of critters here.”
I turned around to face her. “You don’t have to go in there. You and Andy can wait here.”
Andy scoffed. “You might wanna tell Rayner they screwed up those meds, ‘cause you’re delusional if you think I’m letting you go in there by yourself.”
“Well I don’t want her to be alone out here,” I argued.
“I’ll go in, just…stay close, please?” Vivri interjected.
I looked back at her, ears tilted. She was dead serious. I sighed and shook my head. “This is gonna be a disaster,” I groaned.
Andy opened her door. “I’ll wait with her in the lobby, you go talk to the vets. It’ll be fine.”
I looked back at Vivri one last time as Andy stepped out. “Alright, just stay away from the cats.” I opened my door and began stepping out into the summer air.
“C-cats?”
“Small felines. They're demons with mind control,” I replied just before closing the door.
Vivri scrambled out of the car and followed right on my heels. “Well don’t just leave me!” she squeaked.
I laughed. “I’m kidding. Well, mostly.”
Walking into the building, I realized that Lucky had been in a very similar place as me over the past three days. The lobby felt eerily similar to the one at the medical center. Everything went silent as Vivri and I walked in. Immediately I could feel dozens of eyes on us. Vivri hid close behind me as Andy gestured for me to follow her to the desk.
I doubted any of the humans there meant any harm, but dozens of binocular eyes snapping onto her in an instant had Vivri more unsettled than she already was. It didn’t help that several dogs were either on leashes or in carriers in the lobby, which were no doubt just as curious. I grabbed Viv’s paw. “They don't see many Venlil,” I whispered. “Just ignore them.”
I approached the desk with Vivri still hiding behind me. “E-excuse me?” I stuttered. The woman at the desk looked up, clearly caught off guard by two venlil standing before her. “O-oh! Excuse me, you must be Lucky’s owner, right?”
“Yeah. Vikri.” I could feel Vivri shivering behind me.
“I’ll let Doctor Gavin know you’re here.”
“Thanks,” I muttered before turning to Vivri. “Are you sure about this?” I whispered.
“Of course! It’s just for a few minutes, right?” Her body language gave an entirely different answer. She seemed like she might faint at any moment.
I looked up at Andy. “Keep her close, would you?”
Andy wrapped her arms over Viv’s shoulders. “Of course. I’ll keep little Vivi safe from all the big, bad puppy dogs and mean kitties,” she said in baby speak, twisting her side to side. She giggled. “We’ll be fine.” Her tone suddenly shifted as she locked eyes with me. “Will you?”
I stood there in silence for a moment. This entire time my heart felt unbearably heavy. Standing there, I felt nauseous. So much so that I made it a point to know exactly where the bathroom was when I walked in. The weight on my chest made breathing a laborious task. I heaved in a deep breath. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in there but…I have to do this. For both of us.”
Andy exhaled and nodded, seemingly just as nervous for me. Right on cue, the door at the back of the room opened with a heavy click. “Vikri?” a male voice called out. An older gentleman in burgundy scrubs surveyed the room. It didn’t take long for him to find me. He nodded toward me as he adjusted his glasses. “Right this way, please.”
“We’ll be right here,” Andy whispered, her hands still resting around Viv’s shoulders, who agreed with a tail flick.
I nodded and walked toward the man, leaving the cozy waiting room behind, and entering a long, sterile hallway. The doctor’s shoes clicked against the tile as he walked just in front of me. The weight bearing down on my chest only got heavier with each step. After a few agonizing seconds, the man finally spoke up as he stopped outside a door. “I’m Doctor Gavin,” he said breathily, extending a hand. “I performed Lucky’s surgery.”
I took his hand with my paw, which he could no doubt tell was trembling by this point. “Vikri,” I choked. “S-so…How is she?”
“She’s good,” Gavin answered in a higher pitch. “She’s recovering remarkably fast. Really lived up to her name.” He opened the door and stepped through into a kennel area as he continued. “The bullet hit one of her ribs and shattered. A couple of fragments pierced her lung, one of them was just inches from her heart. There’re still a few very small ones lodged in her tissue, but we’d be doing more harm than good by trying to remove them. They shouldn’t cause any issues and come out on their own after some time, but we’ll keep track of them with x-rays.”
As he spoke we passed by kennels, some empty, some with dogs that barked or jumped up on the cage as we passed. I scoured each one for Lucky, my dread building with each one we passed. Suddenly, the doctor stopped in front of me. He inhaled deeply. “I should mention…Given the…circumstances of how she got these injuries, me and some staff will stay with you just in case she becomes aggressive. That’s not to say that I think she will,” he added hastily, “she’s been great with everyone here but…you know, just to be safe.”
“I get it,” I breathed. It made sense. If Lucky attacked me, it would be far more deadly than it would be for a human. And I was confident even a human wouldn’t last long against a half-wolf her size. Fittingly, a group of four humans were gathered at the end of the hallway, catchers in hand.
Time seemed to slow as I approached the pen. The staff members all looked over at me with the same anxious expression. I felt like a prisoner walking toward my judgment, and that perhaps it was me that belonged behind these cages. I swallowed and took a long, slow breath as Gavin opened the gate. He walked in ahead of me. “Hey there big girl,” he said in a chipper tone. I heard the familiar thumping of Lucky’s tail against the floor. Gavin chuckled to himself as the remaining four staff calmly and quietly filed into the pen. Once they were all inside, the final human leaned around the corner, looked me in the eyes for a long second, and nodded once.
A new reality awaited around that corner. My sentence was about to be read. It felt so cripplingly helpless; wanting so desperately to finally be reunited with my best friend, yet trembling at the thought of rounding a corner to run face-first into the consequences of my actions. I steeled myself one last time. I nodded back at the catcher and took slow, deliberate steps toward him. I finally rounded the corner, and for the first time since the incident, I saw Lucky.
She lay on a large, fabric bed, with food and water bowls close by. Her right front leg was bound in a cast, tied up close to her body. A large patch of fur had been shaved away around her chest and halfway up her neck. She seemed thinner than I remembered. It reminded me of the scared, hungry pup I’d met so long ago.
Her eyes tracked onto mine instantly, and I felt an ache that defied all imagination. The same gaze that would send almost any other Venlil scrambling down the hallway instead gripped some inner part of me in a cold, numb stasis. I couldn’t move. Part of me wanted to run to her and spill out how sorry I was. Another wanted to curl up on the floor right there and sob, returning to that familiar numbness that seemed akin to the ancient enemy of life itself. The cold. That bitterness that pierced through fur, through flesh, through bones, and any ideal held by the naive child that sat next to Tenga’s corpse that day. It ran through until there was nothing left.
Then, I felt a warmth as if someone had draped a blanket over me. I gripped my poncho around my shoulders, grabbing it tightly. I made a quiet promise to myself there and then. Not a promise to my sister, or my parents, or Andrea. Me. I wouldn’t lie down in the cold. Never again. One more hill.
“Hey Lucky,” I said, my voice coarse and breaking every syllable.
The silence was abruptly broken as Lucky, though seemingly frail, shot to her feet. Everyone in the room shifted, prepared for the worst. I didn’t dare move, but I could feel my heart pounding in my legs, my body preparing to bolt. The staff watched her carefully, their grip slightly tightened around their polls. Lucky made no sounds, only stared at me, her nostrils flaring as she gathered my scent. Her right front leg was useless, immobilized against her body. She shifted her footing to steady herself. Then I saw something that replaced fear with tears. She was shaking like a leaf, never taking her eyes off me. She could care less about the others. She was scared. Of me.
I felt myself fall off a ledge in a sensation I’d become all too familiar with over the last few weeks. Tears streamed down my face, my breath hitching as I brought my paws up to my face. I fell to my knees, the presence of the staff had become irrelevant. “I’m…I’m sorry,” I exhaled between gasps. “I’m so sorry.”
So there it was. My new reality. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it was what I expected. I didn’t know what I’d do then, and I didn’t know now. Could I go on without Lucky? She was the one fortress in the turbulent seas of my broken mind. She was the one I could always count on. The one that I knew would always be there, no matter what. Now I was convinced she was terrified of me.
I sat there a shattered mess for a long moment, tumbling off that cliff and reaching out for anything to catch myself, but found nothing but jagged stones. I felt a hand on my shoulder, Doctor Gavin attempting to comfort me, I assumed. Until I felt something touch my knee. I looked up, thrown out of the spiral abruptly. Lucky was now just in front of me, licking my leg. I froze, confused. She gently laid down, careful of her bandaged leg as she rested her head on my leg, looking up at me. That was the same leg she’d broken months ago. Finally, I got it. “I hurt you, and you still loved me.”
A wave of relief rushed through me and I looked down at her, eyes glossy with tears. I bent down and rested my head against hers. I laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. For the first time in days, I felt whole again.
Lucky still loved me.
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Hi everybody, I've been learning muai thay for over half a year, the gym where I go is really wonderful and is supervised by a former thay champion. The problem, however, lies in sparring, I am very devoted to light sparring, I have always known how to be fast without inflicting damage, having fun learning new techniques, but a lot of people don't know what light sparring means. I completely hate sparring hard, especially with new people or people who have been doing it for years with huge egos. I happened to have a bad headache after sparring hard with two people, the funny thing is that one was a new person and he had asked me to be light and I replied "don't worry, I only love sparring light" and took me a powerful blow on the back of the head twice, shortly after with the second one which was a girl and they told me to let her get a few hits since she would have a match in a few weeks, but this bitch midget threw a couple of hooks straight to my chin with all the strength, I had to kick her away and I continued sparring only with a guy I know and I know that i can go light, super fast and safe.
I don't really understand the reason for sparring hard, unfortunately for me it happened, I understood one good and one bad thing, the good is that I know how to think under pressure or when I get hit, the bad is that sparring hard is completely useless. What should I do? Is it my problem? I love this sport to death and it makes me feel alive, I leave the gym full of serenity and joy but these episodes have affected me, in short, how should I behave?

Hello!
I hope we're all doing well!
We did relatively okay last time, with our secondary parlay landing clean! Everything else kinda fell apart, but I did a bit better than I feared i would have done.
Another rough fight night to predict here! Should be a fun event though.
Onwards to the predictions!
(c) - Champ
D/DWCS - Debut/Dana Whites' Contender Series
FLS - Fight Lose Streak
FWS - Fight Win Streak
NS - No Streak
(#x) - Rank in Division
x/3 - Confidence Levels
lets go!
Prelims
Women’s Strawweight
Emily Ducote (-275) (13-8-0, NS) v Vanessa Demopoulos (+220) (10-5-0, NS) - Oh look, a fight that’s probably going to go to the scorecards. Ducote is coming off a relatively strong win against Yoder, she was very capable of stuffing all of those takedown attempts coming her way and matching the tenacity of Yoder on the feet. Now, I am always a bit iffy when it comes to someone with a record like Ducotes’, but I do believe they (The UFC) didn’t quite build her up properly, giving her opponents like Godinez and Hill very early on in her UFC career. Ducote is a fairly well rounded fighter who does well on her feet, but most importantly, her grappling is relatively good, having been capable of defending the takedowns of Godinez, which isn’t a small feat since Godinez is well known for her wrestling capabilities. That ability to defend takedowns is massively important when dealing with someone like Demopoulos, whose main threat in most of her fights are her takedowns and grappling attacks. Ducote has fairly standard striking attacks for a well rounded MMA fighter, she is very quick on the feet and throws a lot of volume when she attacks, which could prove challenging to Demopoulos as she tries to enter range and initiate a takedown. Now, whilst Ducote has a lot of volume and speed to her strikes, she lacks in the “finishing” area, she doesn’t quite have the tenacity to finish her opponents, there’s no hurry. With that said though, she does have a bit of a familiar pattern of touching up her opponents until that right hand finds its mark, then she adds emphasis on that right-side punch. She has, however, one weird tendency to just stand there, staring, whilst in the pocket, with a rather square stance, and whilst that might help her with the offensive output, she is still standing there with minimal defences. That’s something that has contributed to her losses in the past and something that Demopoulos could possibly use as a way to find an entry for a takedown. Demopoulos is coming off a win against Murata, but it was a fairly unimpressive performance with Demopoulos getting taken down a lot, and although she looked fairly good on the feet with powerful single attacks, I don’t quite know how effective she is going to be against a volume-heavy fighter like Ducote. Demopoulos has a few tendencies as a fighter that are great, she is fairly active in the guard off her back, throwing up submissions very quickly, but the problem with that is nowadays if you can’t lock in a submission, then you are losing the fight, and I think if Demopoulos does pull guard, Ducote should have the ability to control her on the ground and avoid submissions. This is a very, very 50/50 fight in my opinion. Ducote has a slight advantage on the feet due to her speed and volume, but on the ground it’s looking like Demopoulos has the advantages there, as she does have great instinct on when to lock in a submission or shift the hips. The safest bet here is either o2.5 rounds or the fight going the distance, this isn’t a ML bet fight by any means in my opinion. As for my prediction, I am very split but i’m leaning towards Ducote to win this one, but it’s the slightest lean one can imagine.
Ducote via UD - (1/3)
Bantamweight
Alatengheili (+150) (16-9-2, NS) v Kleydson Rodrigues (-185) (8-3-0, NS) - This is a fascinating one. Alatengheili was scheduled to fight a month ago but it was cancelled due to an illness, so I fully expect him to fight again this week. The kinda good news about that is he doesn’t really need to have a big camp since he already had the conditioning and cardio from that other camp preparing for Victor Hugo. Alatengheili is a very aggressive and powerful fighter, everything he throws has so much speed and power behind it, and whilst there might not be a lot of volume behind those punches, he shouldn’t be underestimated on the feet because of his explosiveness. Alatengheili also uses that explosive power to wrestle, and he is fairly good on the ground, able to maintain a strong position at all times and just land heavy ground and pound. Alatengheili is powerful but he doesn’t display that power with reckless abandon, he tends to be a bit of a counter puncher, his hands are often low or loose, which lures his opponent in to strike, in which he then propels himself forward with a quick flurry of dangerous punches, then there’s a reset and he waits to lure his opponent in again. That’s his typical gameplan and it works a lot of the time, but I do think he might get exposed by one thing that Rodrigues could do, and that’s chop at the legs to remove or mitigate that explosiveness that Alatengheili relies on. Rodrigues on the other hand has not had as much experience nor octagon time that Alatengheili has had, but his style seems to be a bit of a challenge for Alatengheili, at least from what I can see. Rodrigues is very well rounded, he is very quick on the feet, but most of all, he doesn’t do anything too crazy to be lured into a potential counter-flurry by Alatengheili. Rodrigues loves to kick at range, he is so dynamic and can switch up the angles of the attacks so quickly that he could possibly just keep kicking Alatengheili until the fight is over, as long as he keeps a safe distance from a retaliatory attack. He is very quick at throwing out those kicks and I do think if he attacks the legs early enough he is going to be effective, as Gutierrez was when he fought Alatengheili. Alatengheili is going to have to mix it up in this fight to get ahead, he is going to have to rely heavily on his wrestling in order to get a win here, because we have seen that Rodrigues is mostly a kickboxestriker, and if Alatengheili can push a nasty pace and pressure (something he only does if he is successful with his counters or see’s his opponent is hurt), that completely removes Rodrigues’ ability to kick. However, the biggest danger with any sort of aggressive forward movement from Alatengheili is the ridiculous hand speed of Rodrigues, his boxing speed is ferocious and he doesn’t necessarily overthrow, everything is clean and tight, and given how open the defences are with Alatengheili, I do think a check left hook or an uppercut is going to be a highly effective tool that Rodrigues is going to utilise, especially if Alatengheili is going to look for takedowns. The focus and timing of Rodrigues is something that I really like also, he is so calm but intense in the cage, he sees a lot of his opponents attacks coming, and since Alatengheili’s actions are huge and relatively easy to read (as there is quite a wind up for it) Rodrigues should be able to avoid it or counter effectively. One major thing I want to point out here that makes me lean on Rodrigues even moreso is the striking inaccuracy of Alatengheili, he is a powerful fighter, i cannot state this enough, but it is thanks to that power and his willingness to throw down heavy punches that he often misses. I’m gonna list some stats, so bear with me… These are his striking accuracy stats from a handful of his recent fights, starting from the most recent to ones earlier in his career. Gutierrez with 28% Accuracy, Anheliger with 37%, Lopez with 30% and Kenney with 26%. This is why I emphasized before how important Alatengheili’s wrestling is going to be in this fight, because if you’re going to go up against a very tricky and accurate striker like Rodrigues, you cannot play that accuracy game and risk winging punches against him. With that said though, don’t count of Alatengheili here, his power and explosiveness are always going to be a problem and it should generally be a good idea to sprinkle a little bit of money on him, even moreso that he’s an underdog. My prediction for this fight is a long, drawn out Rodrigues win, but it’s a tough one because we haven’t quite seen that much greatness from Rodrigues.
Rodrigues via UD - (1/3)
Women’s Strawweight
Piera Rodriguez (-175) (9-1-0, NS) v Ariane Carnelossi (+145) (14-3-0, NS) - Normally, a lot of fights interest me, even the ones that don’t interest the vast majority of others… but this one? I have no feelings one way or the other about this one, it seems like a filler fight lol. Rodriguez is a relatively well rounded fighter coming off a tough loss against Gillian Robertson, and I mean, that kind of loss tends to come with the territory of wrestling a well known submission specialist, so I don’t exactly fault Rodriguez for losing in that way. There is very little doubt that Rodriguez is going to have a major advantage in the wrestling department, a lot of her fights involve her taking down her opponent, it's what she does exceptionally well and considering how dreadful Carnelossi’s takedown defence is, it is going to be Piera’s imperative to take down Carnelossi. The problem with Rodriguez is that she's a little bit one dimensional, she doesn’t do too well on the feet and Carnelossi does have very strong strikes, I mean, look at her, she’s absolutely a power puncher. Rodriguez is highly diverse with her striking, both in terms of range and variability of attack, she has excellent fundamentals with the boxing, landing combinations in the pocket and moving away, and one main thing she does extremely well is that jab, its a really long, lunging jab, and the reason why I point that out is because it somewhat masks the takedown, she uses that jab over and over, and because that motion to jab is almost similar to a level change, she doesn’t necessarily feint the jab to get to the level change/takedown position, but her opponents just think another jab is coming. This is going to be a great set up against Carnelossi, attack her with long, prodding jabs, and after a few of those, go for a level change, because its that long lunge that looks like a level change. To put it bluntly, anything to get a level change and a takedown will be highly effective against Carnelossi. Carnelossi is an interesting one to talk about because she had a fun start to her career with an extremely entertaining fight against Liang Na, but if you look closely, she is just a fun fighter, not a great one. Her punching power is probably her biggest asset, because everywhere else she absolutely is not worth talking about, and it’s that punching power that will be evident when she inevitably clips Rodriguez. Carnelossi is one dimensional, but boy is she scrappy and I don’t think Rodriguez can afford to get crazy with her on the feet, because Rodriguez will be hurt by something in the pocket, the smartest thing Rodriguez can ideally do is level change and absolutely remove the power from Carnelossi, and considering that Carnelossi’s power is generated from a very still-standing stance, it wouldn’t take much to take her off her feet. I got Rodriguez winning this one, it should hopefully be a fun fight.
Rodriguez via UD - (1/3)
Middleweight
Abus Magomedov (-250) (25-6-1, 2 FLS) v Warlley Alves (+205) (14-7-0, 3 FLS) - It kind of seems like they are setting Magomedov up for success here. Magomedov may have had a tough last two bouts, but considering the fact that he faced Strickland and Borralho, that’s ridiculous levels of competition for a newcomer. Magomedov had one major issue exposed when he fought Strickland and that was his cardio, everything else he looked absolutely incredible at, he has a lot of power in his hands, he’s long and dynamic with his attacks and he has great wrestling, but it was his cardio that made him fall apart. During his Borralho fight, despite losing that bout, those cardio issues didn’t seem as present, he has seemingly learnt to pace himself and he honestly looks to be a decent up and comer now that he’s facing slightly more adjusted competition instead of straight up killers. Magomedov has a massive, massive reach advantage over Alves, and that’s going to be prevalent when Magomedov lands those beautiful strikes at range. He does use his kicks alot, and alongside said kicks are a lot of knee feints, it's a bit odd to look at, it could just be him getting ready to check leg kicks or to feint a kick, but it's just one of those things that I can’t quite figure out. Anyway, Magomedov’s cardio is going to be in question again today, and whilst I did say that he seems to be mostly fine, or at least a bit better than when he fought Strickland, he still tends to overthrow a lot, there is no pitter patter of punches that you somewhat see, they’re all still big actions and those big actions cost him his cardio early on. The best way to kind of describe Magomedov, at least cardio wise, is a slightly more talented and skillful McKinney. My main concern is how exposed his face is to getting hit, all it would take is for Alves to rush in like a bull and throw some heavy overhand punches, make it very gritty in there and make Magomedov tired. That’s the only way I can kind of see Magomedov struggle a lot. Alves is an exceptionally quick starter, he is an absolute firecracker and if he can catch Magomedov early, that’s going to be absolutely massive given the size difference. Everything Alves throws comes with silly amounts of power, and he isn’t necessarily a headhunter, he chops at the legs and body occasionally, he’s quite diverse and I think those leg kicks are going to be problematic for Magomedov, considering Magomedov needs to push forward in order to get his combinations off. Alves is a tough, tough fighter, and whilst he is coming off a savage knockout by Aliskerov, I do think that Alves is still one dangerous fighter to take on, maybe not as technical as Borralho (to compare to Magomedov’s last opponent), but he is an absolute monster when it comes to aggression and that alone could exhaust Magomedov. However, the reach and movement of Magomedov is going to be a major challenge here. I am not completely counting out Alves here, I think he is being a bit underestimated here, but I just think Magomedov has a lot more tools in his arsenal that is going to be boosted by that reach advantage, and it does seem that Alves is fairly susceptible to down the pipe shots, something that Magomedov does well. Range and distance are going to be the main gameplan for Magomedov and his time I think. I got Magomedov winning this one, but i am not very confident in this one due to the volatility of Alves’ actions. He is a wild and fast starter so I expect that first round to be the most sketchiest.
Magomedov via KO R2 - (1/3)
Women’s Bantamweight
Tamires Vidal (+300) (7-2-0, NS) v Melissa Gatto (-410) (8-2-2, 2 FLS) - This is certainly an interesting one. Vidal is coming off a tough loss against Rendon, and it was a bit of a boring fight in all honesty, with Vidal being somewhat effective on the feet with big and powerful attacks, but ultimately succumbing to the wrestling of Rendon. I don’t see that much changing this time around since Gatto is a great wrestler and Vidal has clearly shown major defensive issues in the wrestling department, so to put it bluntly, it just seems like Vidal has a puncher's chance, and if she does land those punches, I do think the tides can change a little in her favour, but it would only take one takedown for Gatto to be in full control for the rest of that round. Outside of her loss to Rendon, Vidal looked fun against Pascual, then again, a lot of fighters of a reasonably low calibre can look good against Pascual, so I think that was one of those “set up for success” fights. Still, the aggression and threat of a knockdown/out from Vidal will be fairly prevalent during this fight. But that’s about it, shes a powerful striker and quite dynamic, but her takedown defence is going to be a problem. Gatto was scheduled to fight Dudakova a few weeks ago, however that fight fell off, which is probably good for Gatto coz she’s ready for a fight regardless, shes still somewhat fresh off camp and was going to probably employ the same strategy against Vidal that she would have against Dudakova, and that was to wrestle. Gatto’s wrestling has always been a bit of a highlight for her, she’s physically strong and is able to do well in advantageous positions, holding her opponents down and either landing ground and pound or just grinding them out, exhausting them for a large chunk of the round. Gatto is also very dangerous on the feet, she has deceptively quick and powerful punches which she uses to both damage her opponents but also as an opportunity to raise their guard so the level change is more easily accessible. No matter what way you cut this slice of cake, I think Gatto’s wrestling is going to be a major problem for Vidal, and Vidal’s only way to win this fight is to keep it standing and just brawl, make it look gritty in there and potentially freeze up Gatto’s ability to wrestle cleanly. I am leaning on Gatto to win this one, but that unpredictability of Vidal’s aggression is going to be a big factor here. No major bet advice here, it seems like there is a possibility of it going over 2.5 rounds, but that’s about it.
Gatto via UD - (1/3)
Light Heavyweight
Oumar Sy (D) (9-0-0, 9 FWS) v Tuco Tokkos (D) (10-3-0, 3 FWS) - ITS DOUBLE DEBUT TIME!!! These are getting rarer and rarer the more we see fighters from DWCS make their way to the UFC, so this is a fun little occasion. Sy is coming into this fight a little bit more prepared, at least physically and cardio wise, than his replacement opponent in Tokkos. Sy is coming off a string of beautiful fights on various promotions, but most importantly he’s been relatively tested on KSW, which is one of the better promotions to come out of the European world of MMA. Sy is a long and rangey fighter who has dangerous head kicks and dangerous wrestling skills that he uses really well, and whilst he has a massive reach advantage over his opponent, he doesn’t exactly strike in any traditional way, you don’t see him throw a lot of jabs, he mostly uses his reach to lock in takedowns (since it’s easier to lock in takedowns with longer arms), and the moment the fight goes to the ground, expect him to find a position to where he can reign down heavy ground and pound. I would love to see him strike a bit more, but most of his fights are him taking his opponents down and landing ground and pound, and if he does that against a replacement fighter in Tokkos, I expect him to dominate and completely shut down Tokkos since it would take preparation to get out of funky positions that Sy puts his opponents in, and I don’t know if Tokkos has that wrestling background to handle the larger and longer opponent in Sy properly on the ground. Tokkos seemingly came out of nowhere this last week, and that one thing that blasted me in the face was the record of his second most recent opponent, Brian Jackson. Dudes got a 1-7 record and Tokkos torched him (expectedly), that doesn’t bring a lot of confidence to me that a guy like Tokkos, coming from a relatively decent gym in Kill Cliff FC, takes on and fights someone like that. Tokkos is overall a decent fighter with some strong wins under his belt, but the main thing going against him here is preparation time, and whilst he does have a fair bit of experience under his belt, I just don’t think he’s ready for someone like Sy on short notice. Tokkos is a relatively well rounded fighter with great wrestling and decent striking, but i just think all of that is going to be possibly negated by the substantial reach advantage of Sy. This is a double debut though, and whilst I normally steer clear from calling someone new to the UFC a lock, I think the fact that Sy has had a full camp for… three fights (Bellato, Trocolli (both cancelled) and now Tokkos), I think he’s ready for this fight and ready for the UFC. He will be an optional lock, but still a 2/3 confidence pick, if that makes sense.
Sy via KO R1 (2/3)
Lightweight
Tom Nolan (-450) (6-1-0, NS) v Victor Martinez (+340) (13-5-0, NS) - Both fighters made their debut and lost in the same way, in the same round, so let’s call this a second attempt at a debut lol. Nolan made his debut against knockout artist Nikolas Motta, and honestly that is a dangerous fight for anyone to take, but it probably made sense to the matchmakers since both fighters are prolific knockout artists. Nolan does finish his opponents very quickly a lot of the time, and I do think he has a massive advantage on the feet against Martinez since Martinez isn’t exactly a big threat on the feet, and his inactivity over the past few years (or lack of solid activity at least) leaves some questions hanging in the air. Nolan has a reach and height advantage here, but the most prominent advantage will be with his reach where he can string together gorgeous straight combinations to decent effect, and that’s what he’s really known for, he’s got awesome boxing and he is very confident in his punching power. He is also relatively defensively sound for someone with his size because I have pointed out before that a lot of taller and longer fighters don’t shell up a lot or have a lot of defensive layers to their style, but Nolan is overall a fairly solid boxer both on the offence and defence, it’s just a shame he got fed to the wolf when he fought Motta. Nolan made the simple mistake when he fought Motta of being in the pocket without care, and i think those kinds of mistakes are easy enough to fix, and considering Martinez is not the same kind of threat on the feet compared to Motta, I do think that gives Nolan a bit more freedom to string together combinations and overall look great on the feet, as he was meant to be, since his whole career up until that loss to Motta has been him having gorgeous striking. Martinez is coming off a KO loss also, but it was by Jordan Leavitt, and that’s just a painful look on anyone's record to get knocked out by someone who is not known for his striking. Martinez is overall a good striker, he has very fast hands, but I have noticed one thing about him that I can see Nolan landing cleanly. Martinez has the tendency to leave his right hand far from a block position, its more of a parry position, in front of him instead of beside him, and he tends to lower that hand when taking a back step, and I cannot help but see the Southpaw striker in Nolan land that left hand to the chin of Martinez. Now, any sort of exchange between either fighter here is going to be a dangerous one for both parties, but that is where reach comes in, Nolan has a diverse boxing skillset and his long attacks allow him to carry power as much as anyone elses short hooks would. One major thing Martinez is going to have to be careful of is a knee up the middle by Nolan as Nolan’s height is going to allow that knee to come up to target without a major loss to momentum, and I mean, if Martinez got dropped by Rosales on DWCS, then by Leavitt, I just don’t know if he has the chin to withstand the battering that comes from Nolan. I got Nolan winning this one, but this is going to be a fantastic fight which isn’t likely to go the distance.
Nolan via KO R1 - (2/3)
Main Card
Women’s Strawweight
Angela Hill (#12) (-160) (16-13-0, NS) v Luana Pinheiro (#13) (+130) (11-2-0, NS) - This is a great fight. Hill is coming off a very strong win over Denise Gomes, and it was honestly such a brilliant performance by someone who a lot of people tend to ignore. Hill is an incredibly diverse fighter, she is tenacious on the feet, highly capable of stringing together strong combinations from all ranges, and as she closes the distance, she’s good at tying up her opponent in a clinch and landing awesome knees and elbows. This is all Hill and her cumulative experience in the Octagon against a wide range of different fighters and styles, and it’s clear to me that her preparation for a lot of her fights involve solid planning and back up plans, because whilst her record reflects a rough run through her career, her level of competition is insane. Hill isn’t a finisher though, but she is someone who can keep a ridiculous pace for three rounds, so I do think that she has the capabilities to overwhelm Pinheiro on the feet, especially since we just saw Ribas do the same thing a little over 5 months ago. Hill will have a striking advantage in this fight, she throws a lot of volume at high speed towards her opponent and they do land effectively, and with a slight edge in reach I do see her having a bit more success on the feet here especially since Pinheiro does not have a lot of head movement or striking defence. Pinheiro is a danger to Hill in the grappling department though, especially in those transitions from standing to ground, she utilises hip throws relatively well and could make this fight ugly on the ground, but I don’t think there is a major submission threat here, I think her style is predominantly control and ground and pound, both things that Hill has experience in dealing with, although she still will lose the round if Pinheiro executes her gameplan well. Pinheiro has power in her hands, she could potentially make Hill a little bit frozen and hesitant on the feet once Pinheiro lands that overhand right that Pinheiro loves to throw early, but she doesn’t throw it often enough to lead to a significant finish, she’s a very low volume, high impact striker and that could play in the favour of Hill if Hill’s volume walks Pinheiro back into the cage. Pinheiro could make this fight dangerous for Hill on the ground, but we have seen a few times now that Hill is very good at the basics of takedown defence, underhooks, whizzers (if i spelt that correctly) and quickly getting back to a standing position, she is not complacent on the ground or in that transition to the ground, and I think any sort of failed takedown attempt from Pinheiro is going to fuel Hill a lot more, since Pinheiro only has a few kinds of takedowns. This is a hard on to pick in all seriousness, I might get the prediction wrong, but I have a strong feeling that we are going to see this fight go over 2.5 rounds, or even hit the scorecards. As for the prediction, looking at this fight, I am kind of leaning on Hill here, because Pinheiro’s wins aren’t as significant as Hill’s wins, and i do think Pinheiro fades a little bit as the fight goes on.
Hill via UD - (1/3)
Bantamweight
Adrian Yanez (-350) (16-5-0, 2 FLS) v Vinicius Salvador (+275) (14-6-0, 2 FLS) - I love this fight. Yanez is coming off two painful back to back KO losses, whenever a young fighter comes into the UFC, tears through the division, then hits a losing skid, it’s always a concern to any fan or pundit. However, I do think that leg kick KO is anomalous to the UFC, it rarely happens and I don’t think Salvador is much of a leg kicker anyway so the threat isn’t there. However, I do want to add that the psychological factor of maybe getting leg kicked to oblivion is going to weigh heavy on Yanez’ mind, and I do wonder if Yanez has drilled checking leg kicks before. Now, Yanez is still a dangerous opponent for anyone to take, he still has incredibly technical MMA boxing, and that’s going to be on full display this weekend. Yanez is so fluid and yet tricky on the feet, he’s very good at gauging range and firing away from different angles, as well as timing his shots off his opponents striking attempts, everything involving striking exchanges will most likely be in the favour of Yanez, he thrives in that space and I do believe his experience and his wins prior to those two devastating losses are going to shine this weekend. My only concern about Yanez is his ability to not get carried away and show his chin too much, because whilst Salvador is yet to get a win in the UFC, he still has had some mild striking success against fighters like Altamirano and Vergara, and it wouldn’t take a lot for Salvador to find the chin of Yanez. Salvador is a very funky and unorthodox fighter, and whilst that always brings positive attention to him, I also think that has been a product of failure for him also since the more cleaner fighters outbox him, are generally a lot faster and just find their mark a bit quicker, if that makes sense? I mean, Salvador’s stance is fairly loose, his chin is in the air and his shell is rather loose, and that’s not good news, especially if he’s facing a vicious fighter like Yanez. Salvador thrives in chaotic fights though, he is awesome and making it dangerous and risky for his opponents to fight in the pocket, but his style emanates a lack of self preservation. He is a kill or be killed kind of fighter in my opinion, and I firmly believe that when he got dropped numerous times in that first round against Victor Altamirano, it only showed us, and any future opponent (via tape watch in prep) that he is very hittable, his head is right there and the only reason it wasn’t there for Vergara was due to the significant difference in height and reach. Salvador moving up to 135 could make him a lot more interesting in terms of being able to explode more often and having more power behind his punches, but I also think it means he is dealing with more harder hitting fighters, and with the accuracy and boxing skill set of Yanez, I just think Salvador is going to get outdone here. I got Yanez winning this one, but I am interested to see if Salvador has what it takes to win and upset a lot of parlays out there.
Yanez via KO R2 - (1/3)
Welterweight
Ramiz Brahimaj (+170) (10-4-0, NS) v Themba Gorimbo (-205) (12-4-0, 2 FWS) - Brahimaj is coming back after two tough years away, and the reason why it’s tough is because he has been dealing with a spinal injury, and boy do i empathise with that. Now, his injury is mostly C-Spine and shoulder area nerve damage, this is terrible for a fighter because it effectively eliminates your ability to comfortably strike, sprawl, wrestle, underhook/overhook stuff, everything that you see in a fighter typically comes from shoulder rotation and all that stuff, so for Brahimaj to be out for two years, dealing with all of that, does not give me a lot of confidence in him being 100% coming into this fight against Gorimbo. Brahimaj is a dangerous grappler who thrives on the ground, he is honestly only dangerous on the ground, but the problem is that Gorimbo is very good on the ground himself, at least good enough to know what is being set up, and it’s on the ground where Brahimaj has his only chance to win. Unfortunately for Brahimaj, it’s going to take some work to get the fight to the ground and Gorimbo is more than willing to keep the fight standing, so honestly, I just don’t think Brahimaj is going to be as well rounded or as effective as he needs to be in order to get a win here. Gorimbo is riding some momentum coming into this fight, as he is coming off a lightning quick KO over Pete Rodriguez, and I mean, Rodriguez sucks, he’s one of the worst fighters in the UFC and that KO means nothing in the grand scheme of things, it’s just an additional win on a record with barely any weight to it. Gorimbo is going to be a lot more confident in his boxing though since that win, that feeling of getting knockouts is an addictive one and I think he’s going to be using his incredible reach advantage to look to get another KO this weekend over the possibly rusty Brahimaj. Gorimbo is a very well rounded fighter who honestly has a lot of potential to be a star, he has excellent boxing, and honestly very good wrestling and grappling, and I do think if the fight does go to the ground, Gorimbo has the fight IQ to notice set ups coming, neutralize them and remain on top in control, landing ground and pound or just advancing to his own submission positions. The most likely scenario though is Gorimbo keeps this fight standing and overwhelms Brahimaj on the feet, because he probably wants to chase another KO since that feeling is notoriously addictive. I got Gorimbo winning this one, I can’t wait to see how far this man goes in his career.
Gorimbo via KO R1 - (2/3)
Co-Main Event
Welterweight
Khaos Williams (-125) (14-3-0, NS) v Carlston Harris (+105) (19-5-0, 2 FWS) - This feels like a classic Striker versus Grappler fight. Williams is a strong, powerful striker who is such a threat on the feet, especially early on when he wants to push a nasty pace and land those devastating punches. He is known for being a bully, crashing forward with crazy power and aggression. There is no clean technique coming from Williams, it is mostly wild, wild punches and he is confident in his ability to knock out his opponent, that’s what makes him a dangerous threat to his opponents, that confidence. The right hand is Williams best weapon, his right overhand or hook is going to be the one that knocks out Harris if it lands, but that’s all he is, a powerful right side puncher, and if Harris times a takedown well, all of that threat is gone. On the flip side, Harris is primarily a grappler with a solid grappling base, and whilst he has faced his fair share of dangerous strikers, I believe Williams’ power is something different. Now, Harris has the potential to take this fight to the ground, I know that according to UFC stats that Harris has an 80% takedown defence, but there has not been enough wrestling in his fights, by his opponents, to fully prove that his takedown defence is that great, it’s only been used sparingly against him since most of his fights are absolute wild exchanges and beautiful displays of violence on the feet. Williams' propensity to head hunt could lead to an opening for a level change by Harris, but it’s a risky thing to do because any punch that lands on Harris is going to hurt him, and considering the age factor here, its possible his chin isn’t going to hold up well against the power of Williams. Now, Harris was getting ragdolls and outwrestled by Wells when they fought, and whilst that isn’t a great look for Harris, I don’t think Williams has the wrestling capabilities that Wells has, so I think the main submission threat from Harris in this fight is going to come from the clinch, so guillotines and front head choke variants are going to be on the menu for Harris this weekend, it’s just a matter of if he gets into that position or if he gets his head blasted over and over by powerful punches from Williams. This is a dangerous fight to bet on if you’re thinking of Moneyline betting, it can easily go either way since both excel in their respective styles, the safest and smartest bet here in my opinion is that this fight doesn’t hit the judges scorecards. As for my prediction, I don’t think i’ll be getting this right due to the volatile nature of this match up, but…
Harris via Sub R2 - (1/3)
Main Event
Featherweight
Edson Barboza (#14) (+125) (24-11-0, 2 FWS) v Lerone Murphy (-150) (13-0-1, 5 FWS FWS) - Man this is a funky main event. Barboza is a legend of the sport, but most importantly, and perhaps most relevant to this write up, he is an old dog who can still hang with the toughest. His last two wins have been against Yusuff and Quarantillo, two very difficult fighters to take on at 145 and it’s his win over Yusuff that I want to highlight… Yusuff exploded in the first round, looked for that finish and Barboza survived and thrived throughout the rest of the fight, it was a beautiful display of heart, toughness, and adaptability, because that was not the first firefight that Barboza has been in, and considering his current opponent, it sure as shit won’t be his last. Barboza is well known for his outstanding kicks, but he’s also just overall a ridiculously dangerous striker. An understated aspect of his whole game though is his wrestling and grappling, he might not be looking for a lot of takedowns when he fights, but he is well versed on the ground, having taken down Yusuff 3 of 4 times in the final round of a high pace main event is testament to his cardio and conditioning, despite the concern surrounding his age. Barboza is going to be a true test on the feet for Murphy, and I think it’s going to be the toughest fight of his career. Murphy is coming off a string of strong victories in the UFC, with his most recent one being against Culibao, and I gotta say, Murphy is one of those dangerous prospects that we all should keep an eye on. Murphy is a rapidly improving fighter who adds weapons to his arsenal every single time he comes out. He was originally a boxer with outstanding punching power and speed, he was ridiculously slick on the feet, but after each fight he adds more kicks, more movement and wrestling, he has slowly become a very well rounded fighter, and this makes his upcoming bout against a very tested veteran who is still here to stay in Barboza incredibly fascinating. There is a slight catch to all of those additional things added into his arsenal though, and that’s each time something has been added, the next opponent has something else to prepare for. I firmly believe that Murphy’s rise to this position and to this fight is not from his outstanding skill level, but from his incredible repertoire of techniques he has acquired and learnt over his UFC career. Unpredictability is king when it comes to new fighters, we have seen new fighters add things to their game that have completely changed and accelerated their growth, and that’s exactly what we have seen for Murphy. Murphy has a wide variety of strong strikes he uses effortlessly, from standard boxing combinations to a very snappy high kick, to strong grappling and control on the ground, he hasn’t mastered any of these things, but since they are added along each and every time he fights, his opponents are rarely prepared. This is not going to be the case for Barboza, Barboza is very, very well rounded and well versed in almost every aspect of MMA. Ill keep this short. I got Barboza winning this one, but I am still going to be a fan of Murphy, regardless of result.
Barboza via UD - (1/3)
Primary Parlay: Ducote/Demopoulos o2.5 or GTD + (optional Gatto/Vidal o2.5 or GTD) + Nolan/Martinez ITD + Hill/Pinheiro o2.5 or GTD + Barboza/Murphy R3 Starts
Locks of the week: Optional Sy + Nolan + Gorimbo
Alt Bets: Alves KO R1, Pinheiro Sub R2 or 3, Williams KO R1, Murphy KO R1 2 or 3 (combo rounds)
And that's it!!!!
Prediction accuracy as of 2024: 64.6%
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Lets have a fun and friendly discussion down below about this weekends card!
I hope you all have an amazing day, look after yourselves, and enjoy this awesome event!

Hi there everyone! First time on here, made a account just for this post hahah.
Okay so, let me start if by saying that i'm a anxious person to start with, always have been. My anxiety lays mostly with the fear of fainting, or at least it started with that. Now it's mostly just having control; I know that i won't faint if i have enough food with me so i NEED to make sure i have enough with me at all times. Nothing to crazy.
However it got to the point that im buying and buying food even when i don't need it, just to silence the anxiety. I went to the doctors last Friday and got a referral to een psychologist and got prescribed Sertraline. The doctor did warn me about how my symptoms would worsen in the first couple of weeks.. but boy oh boy. I started it two days ago and feel so so shitty. I haven't had panic attacks like these in a long time/if ever and I've never been this depressed. I get light headed and super nauseous which triggers the fair of fainting.
I know it's just the medicine but I'm finding it really hard to continue with it. I'm thinking about maybe waiting with taking antidepressants and just focus on the therapy for now.
Later today I've got a call with the psychologist so I'll discuss this all with them, but I just wanted to know if you guys have any experience with this.

Okay. I love Star Wars, I love the sequels, however, I’d like to stretch my brain muscles and think of a rewrite. This is not a “They should have adapted Heir to the Empire”, nor an attack on Disney. This is merely an in hindsight rewrite. What aspects of the new canon could have been implemented to make a more solid and cohesive story? I will use the current story as a baseline, so here goes, The Force Awakens:
I’ll keep the title, mainly because I can’t think of an alternative, lazy, but I figured maybe you guys could think of one.
Opening Scrawl: Mostly the same, just remove “the last Jedi” and mention that the Republic is supporting Leia’s resistance.
The opening can be mostly the same, but instead of some random guy, have the old contact be Han, have him be the contact who tracked down someone special, R2 frozen like the original movie. Inside R2 are the last known coordinates to Luke.
Hotshot pilot Poe Dameron (who is much younger) eagerly takes the droid, when suddenly, the village is attacked by new troopers. Also, a return of battle droids to bolster their forces. Led by a masked man, who Poe shoots at, and when the beam is frozen, Han exclaims “You can’t be a Jedi?” To which Kylo Ren replies “Not anymore” and captures the two rebels and R2.
BB-8 escapes to the established rendezvous spot to try and get help. Meanwhile, Finn’s escape happens in the usual manner, but this time the three of them try and steal a shuttle, not a TIE fighter. A few hijinks occur and as they fly off, the ship is hit and the three escapees launch escape pods and land on separate parts of the planet (which is mostly mountainous, not a desert). R2 is in the possession of the First Order. Finn takes this chance to escape and rushes to the nearest port.
In space, Hux appears and berates his men, who say the traitor won’t escape them. A screen blinking as Finn moves to a space port.
Cut to a run down town nearby, where a stranger is hanging around, some people giving him a strange glance. An alien approaches “New Republic folk aren’t welcome here, the Coalition of Planets earned their independence from you dogs.” To which the older one, a man with green hair, replies “Sorry, we aren’t exactly on the best terms with the Republic either.” And we see a flash of something on his holster.
A commotion is heard, a woman’s voice calls. The man rushes to the Pantoran’s aid as they try and wrestle BB-8 from junk dealers. “You don’t need this droid.” The man waves his hand and the dealer hands them the droid, going along his way.
“You need to be more careful Rey, I know you’re anxious, but we have to have patience.”
“I know, Master Jacen, but rumours of attacks, and now BB-8 being all alone, it can’t be good for Dameron.”
The two then freeze and sense something, darkness, but also familiar. They rush towards it and find themselves at a space port, where a fight has broken out, Troopers and battle droids, have surrounded a “Traitor” as one yells out, brandishing electrostaffs. Without hesitation, Jacen ignites a blue lightsaber and duels a Trooper, Rey following suit with her green saber.
Finn cowers, but when tossed a staff from Jacen, he defends himself with temporary courage. Finn notices BB-8, and tries to explain the situation with Poe, but the group is attacked by a ship and they take off in a generic ship (not the falcon). A small dog fight occurs, then some exposition.
Jacen was Luke’s first true apprentice and Rey is…well, she’s Jacen’s apprentice, basically a sister. They explain that, after the last great battle with the Imperial remnant (the equivalent to “You fought in the Clone Wars?”, just this time the Mando-Verse), the Republic lost its standing and many planets left for their independence, becoming a loose collection of like minded groups (like how Nevarro is doing), called the Coalition of Planets. Protecting each other from pirates and gangster influence.
Bound by dwindling Republic bureaucracy, corruption from within (as seen in Mandalorian), as well as having her lineage revealed (Bloodline) Leia split off from the New Republic and did the same as the new Jedi Order, help anyone in need, regardless of red tape. Establishing a Resistance against galactic corruption. Or just Resistance.
Luke disappeared 3 years ago, supposedly looking for the ancient homeworld of the Jedi. But only R2 would know his location.
Finn is overwhelmed, revealing some backstory, he never knew his family, he lived and trained for the First Order, “but seeing combat…I can’t do it.”
A message comes through, Poe and Han are alive and well and want to arrange a meet up at “her place”, outside First Order eyes. Jacen says “Sorry Finn, looks like you’re stuck with us a little longer.” And they zoom away.
Meanwhile, throughout this whole thing, we cut back to a modest fleet of ships, led by Hux, who tolerates the presence of Kylo Ren. All the while, the latter is attempting to unlock R2. “You’ll never get it to open, even with your magic…maybe try your brute strength.” Kylo force grabs Hux, soldiers living and droid aim their blasters at him. “The last known location is hidden in this droid, Luke Skywalker is the only one who can threaten the Supreme Leader’s power.” He puts Hux down.
They wrongly believe there is a key of sorts amongst the escapees and they follow “him” to find it.
The heroes land at Maz’s place, and Finn amazed with the diverse aliens, “I’ve only been around humans, General Hux is very serious about that”. The group introduce themselves to Maz, who gets all mystic about the 3 of them.
Jacen should not fear living up to his parents’ legacy, Rey should be more confident in who she is and Finn should find something to do with his life rather than run. He says that “You can’t fight the First Order.” And tries to leave, but not before Maz discovers a homing beacon imbedded into Finn’s neck.
The First Order attacks and Finn, begins to run as the Jedi fight off the squad of Droids. Then, he runs into Kylo Ren. “Seems Hux’s failure paid off…now where is the key?” Petrified, Finn is left at the hands of Kylo Ren, until blaster fire can be heard, and the Calvary arrives.
Poe and Black Squadron, led by the Millenium Falcon defeat the First Order soldiers and droids and as Kylo follows the Falcon closely, Finn pulls a blaster out and without looking, Kylo rips it from his hands “Foolish trooper, how simple minded.” He then freezes Finn and surrounded by battle droids, he takes him back for interrogation.
However, as everyone reunites with Han, Leia and Poe, Rey realises Finn was still missing. Sensing a dark, yet familiar, presence, Leia points to their location “Han, it’s him, he’s alive!” At these words, Han and Jacen rush to save Finn. Han takes out the droids and Jacen has a duel with Kylo. The two are relatively matched, but after Han and Finn escape, Jacen feigns defeat and is taken instead.
Whilst everyone is worried (including red-armed Threepio) Maz reassures them that they need not worry, holding a tracker. Revealing that in the battle, she gave it to Jacen as a “Surprise they wouldn’t expect.” With it the group head back to Resistance headquarters.
Finn and Han bond, the latter explaining how he knows all too well about fleeing an institution and just wanting a life of adventure (Solo). But that “You can’t live like that, one day, you have to make a choice.”
Meanwhile, Leia and Rey discuss how the Jedi’s ranks barely reach 100 and how thin they have been spread. “And without Jacen, who can rally them? Leia, it may be time you came back to the Order-“ “No, I can’t, you know that…you also know that they’d listen to you.” But Rey shakes her head, “No, I’m not worthy, especially since causing my mother and…and his death.”
Leia then sighs and says solemnly “He’s alive, Rey, my son is alive.”
Elsewhere, Jacen and Kylo confront each other a back and forth, one taunting the other about their heritage. Then finally “You were always one step behind me, is that why you turned? Power? Huh, Ben!?”
Ben removes his helmet. “You have no idea what I have seen these last 3 years…the Supreme Leader is my master, I am Ben Solo no more.” His eyes well up, just for a second.
Kylo then enters the ships bridge and undermines the staff, much to Hux’s dismay. Kylo calls up Supreme Leader Snoke, they discuss how they found the tracker and destroys it, but reveals that Jacen knows nothing of how to awaken R2. Snoke reassures him that he no longer fears Skywalker and Kylo asks if that means“The Weapon” is ready.
Snoke says no, but soon, however he feels the conflict within Kylo and remarks “Has the Light corrupted you? Your grandfather would be ashamed.” As the call ends, Hux smirks at Kylo’s expense and the masked man returns to his chamber (feel the pull to the light, etc. Vader’s helmet).
Arriving at the Resistance base, they discuss how the tracker went silent, but they managed to get a lock on a transmission in the general area and believe it’s the First Order fleet. They plan an attack. Poe will lead Black squadron and Wedge will lead Rogue Squadron to distract the fighters. The Falcon will fly to Hux’s Star Destroyer and infiltrate.
Poe wishes Finn luck as the former excitedly goes to his ship. Leia and Han say their goodbyes and Rey gets nervous, having failed to contact the Jedi.
The attack begins, they notice the fleet is less impressive at a glance, two run down Star Destroyers and a single pristine one. Either way, they fight through the fighters and the Falcon crashes into the hanger. They fight and Han asked where Jacen and Finn says “I’ve never been on General Hux’s ship, Can’t we just follow the Force, create a map or something” “THAT’S NOT HOW THE FORCE WORKS!!”
Rey looks around and focuses, noting a dark presence above them. “It’s him, Ben will want to keep an eye on Jacen.” They run to save him. Meanwhile, a battered and bruised Jacen uses the Mind trick to escape in the confusing, but fears not having his saber.
As Hux looks at one of the Star Destroyers being defeated, he sweats. “Where are those reinforcements, we’re are not ready for a full scale battle.” But Kylo ignores him, feeling a presence.
The group manage to reunite with Jacen, who notes that R2 is still on the ship. Before they can devise a plan, R2 comes crashing towards them. “The Supreme Leader has recanted the search for Skywalker, for his weapon is nearing completion.” Kylo is holding Jacen’s Saber.
You then have the scene, just not over an endless pit, Han is killed, Chewie knocks Kylo back with his Bow caster. But this time Jacen pulls the saber from the air and has to remind them to grieve later and run, the ship is falling apart.
Hux evacuates and swears Kylo’s name, for ruining 3 ships. But as we cut to Poe celebrating like an idiot, a fleet much more impressive jumps in, a voice over all channels speaks in Hutteese calls out. Rotta the Hutt, Jabba’s son has come to Hux’s aid. The Hutt’s Second Order, attacks en masse.
The Star Destroyer begins to collapse, and as they reach the Falcon, Kylo flings debris at the ship. With Jacen too weak to fight, Rey finds the courage to confront Kylo. They duel and even with his weakened state, Kylo easily overpowers her, Rey’s only ally is jumping through the debris. Of course there is taunting.
“You fight good for a fraud.”
“I’m no fraud, I’m a Jedi, like my mother and my…father.”
“You can’t even admit you’re nothing like him, you are weak Rey and undeserving of his name. Unlike me, you have no ties to his legacy.”
“Shut up!”
“You are nothing but an orphan pitied on by your so-called ‘father’.”
“I said shut up!!”
“You will never be worthy of the name SKYWALKER!!”
(Yes, he is projecting)
Rey lunges at him, but even her anger isn’t enough, only managing to scar his face. Jacen and Chewie start up the Falcon, but debris is blocking the way and Jacen can’t focus, they need Rey to move it. He begs Finn to go help.
“But I don’t have a weapon!”
“Yes you do!”
Jacen hands him his Saber and Finn rushes in and attacks, but is defeated all the same, but this has given Rey enough time to throw the debris at her cousin and save a comatose Finn.
The small group of Fighters prepare to fly off, Poe still eager to fight the Hutt’s fleet, but stopped by Wedge.
Now for the ending.
Leia, Rey and Chewie mourn Han’s death, Jacen and Finn are taken into intensive care and the Resistance calls for its remaining forces across the Outer Rim for aid.
Leia takes a look at R2 and brings Threepio over, who is sad his friend is frozen and unmoving, but at hearing Threepio’s voice, R2 awakes noting that he’d only awake at his best friend’s voice. Transmitting the coordinates to a mysterious part of the galaxy, to the planet Acht-To, Rey takes the Falcon to reunite with her father.
On the bridge of Rotta’s ship, Hux is reprimanded by the former gangster, much to Hux’s embarrassment. Though he does cheer up at the knowledge that the oh so powerful apprentice of the Supreme Leader was defeated and licking his wounds. And with the knowledge that the weapon is nearing completion, he looks on in awe when they jump from hyperspace. As Starkiller base comes into view.
Arriving at Acht-To, Rey climbs the shore up the mountains, until she meets with a hooded figure, looking over a makeshift grave. He turns and the two merely look at each other and the camera pans out.
Credits.
Few. That took longer than expected. As you can see I made some changes, having the Jedi be around, just with significantly smaller stature.
The First Order isn’t a pointless name, it’s merely a wing of a greater organisation apposing the current regime, a Rebel Alliance, if you will.
I made Rey a Pantoran, because we needed more aliens and it’s part of a larger reference. Star Wars is all about family and that’s the main focus I want to aim for, this is a new generation wanting to either prove themselves to the previous generation, or surpass it.
But instead of having a traditional family via blood, I’d have it be that Luke’s child, is adopted. Show the struggles an adopted child would face if brought into a famous family. But also, it’s honouring George, who played a Pantoran in Revenge of the Sith, alongside his daughters and have this new character a young Jedi, like George’s son was in RotS.
All of whom were adopted, but they are all still Lucas’ the same as George. I think that is a nice connection and honour Star Wars’ creator.
Also, yes, I will eventually reveal that Jacen is Jacen Syndulla. Have Rebels be a companion piece that reveals his origin. Also, I leave the other Jedi’s identities open ended. Is there Ahsoka? Ezra? Cal? Maybe even Omega? Ooh, who knows, I smell (profit!) spin off material!
Anyway, let me know what you thought and I’ll get to The Last Jedi, eventually. And a reminder, what should the title be for my version of Episode 7? Not sure The Force Awakens works anymore.

I (28f) I’ve been dealing with the worst skin of my life for the past three years. I quit hormonal birth control, which I’ve been on since the age of 16 and all of a sudden was dealing with acne for the first time of my life.
We’re not talking about a little breakout here and there we’re talking full hormonal acne that would get drastically worse every month. My self confidence tanked and there were some days I would refuse to leave the house. I’ve cried a lot over this.
Now I was not kind to my skin in my early 20s either. Tanning booth, drinking, late nights. I was definitely seeing the effects. Before I quit birth control I started using some retinol and Botox trying to get my skin to look young again. Unfortunately the retinal caused me to dry and then when I quit the birth control, the overall inflammation was a disaster.
I was a cystic acne mess with deep wrinkles. Who knew they could co exist…
Fast-forward years later, I’ve tried nearly everything from microdermabrasion, led lights, differin gel, to thousands on skincare, Morpheus8 and everything in between with zero to no luck. The one thing that was working the best was actually doing less. It seemed the more I tried the more irritated things got. But I’m impatient and hate feeling like I’m not doing something about the problem.
I finally started working with a new dermatologist (I’ve been through like four at this point) and this was the first one who uses Zo Skin Health.
She did a peel. it was a bit dry, but overall not bad and then set me up with a skincare routine that includes the exfoliating cleanser twice a day, the oil control pads, the hydrating cream, and a 50+ SPF
Prior to this I would’ve said no that’s too much exfoliation. My skin is red and dry anyways this is gonna be horrible but I trusted her.
My skin is never red or inflamed. The cleaners leaves it soft not tight. I have gotten rid of almost every fine line. oh my God am I glad I trusted her.
Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t easy. The first month, i had little breakouts every time I would wake up with a couple big cystic ones. But they all came to a head and went away within a day or two. Not like differen which would leave marks. It was a process, everything that was in my skin came out. I could tell it was purging though so I stuck with it.
Now I’m sitting pretty, my skin better than it was in my early 20s. I do not have feel oily mud day, my skin is never red or inflamed. I have gotten rid of almost every fine line, I’m getting sooo many compliments! The marks are fading and I can start treating the scars (they have also raised)
I’m still in disbelief. No it’s not 100% perfect. There’s small whiteheads here and there that pop up in the morning, but they are gone once I wash my face and don’t leave marks.
I think this routine is the one for me for a while. I look forward to adding a vitamin c in the future.

Trying to get rid of some manga. condition varies some brand new, some very used and are priced accordingly.
Open to offers.
Shipping not including. if you buy enough then I will pay for shipping.
Tried to price things best I could if you believe pricing isn't fair and you're interested we can work something out.
Signed Funko! at the bottom.
Thanks for looking!
Photo Link: Images/Proof
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H: Tradelist W: Offers
H: Tradelist W: Description or offers
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B/50L/25 Hm
B/25/Dur RR ( 2x), Agl, Ugl, Flamer
B/e/50bs Combat riffle, BP Pistol
B/25/15r Gauss, 10mm, EPF, Cryo,
B/25/25 combat riffle, b2525 gatling plasma, Radium, gp, gl, EPR, Handmade
B/Bash/50bs Minigun'
B/50h/25 Fixer
B/25/90 epp with alligned flamer, lmg, Gatling laser, Cryo
B/e/15c Radium
B/40pa/40 chainsaw
B/e/90 AR
B/50l/50bs Peppershaker
B/25/50bs Plasma Thrower, Laser Pistol
B/e/90 lmg, Gatling
B/50c/90 EPP
B/25a/50bs epp
B/50c/15r Em
B/25a/90 lmg, gl
Be15r fixer
Executioners:
Exe/50C/25 Hm (2x), Minigun, 10mm Smg, em
Exe/E/25 Lever, Combat Shotgun, 10mm Pistol
Exe/25/25 EPR, Gauss, Lever,
Exe/50C/15C EM
Exe/25/Dur Fixer
Exe/25/15r GP
Exe/50L/25 GAuss
Exe/E/15r Pipe Bolt Pistol
Exe/25/90 Radium, 10mm Smg, Hm (2x)
Exe/50h/25 Gamma gun, epp
Exe/e/15r Pipe Revolver
Exe/25/50bs epp
Furious:
F/50C/25 NU Laser Riffle, Radium, CR,
F/Pa/25 Chinese Sword
F/25/Dur Minigun
F/Bash/Dur Minigun
F/25/25 UGatling Laser, EPR, Radium
F/Ap/25 GP
Gourmands:
G/50h/25 epp
G/E/15R Radium
G/PA/25 DC Gauntlet,
G/50c/25 Flamethrower, Em
G/e/25 Hm
G/25/25 rwr
Instigating:
I/50c/25 bow
Inst/Ap/25 epp
Juggernaut:
Jugg/50h/25 EPP
Jugg/e/90 Fixer, hm
Jugg/e/25 Fixer, RR
Jugg/25/25 Fixer, Gamma Gun, hm , Cryo
Jugg/Pa/40Pa Chainsaw
Jugg/e/15r .50
Jugg/e/dur .50
Jugg/50c/25 hm,
Junkie:
J/E/25 Hm, RR, Em
J/25/15r EPR Perfect mods Alligned Auto, AGL, tommy gun
J/SS/1s Bowieknife, Powerfist,
J/25/15r RR(2x),
J/50c/15c RR, Single Action Revolver
J/25/90 .50,
J/25/25 Western Revolver, Kabloom
J/50l/25 epp
Medic:
Med/25/25 Fixer
Med/25/15r Holy Fire
Med/50c/25 Minigun, AR,
Mutant:
M/25/15r AGL
M/Bash/Dur Minigun
M/50H/25 EPP Perfect Mods(alligned Auto)
M/25/25 10mm
Nocturnal:
N/E/25 .50
N/50c/25 Em
N/25/15r 10mm
Quad:
Q/E 10mm, Lever, Gatling gun
Q/E/25 Lever, Combat Riffle.50, Sniper riffle, Fixer
Q/25/15r Fixer
Q/25/90 Hm, Em, Fixer, epp
Q/E/15C Pipe Bolt Pistol(2x), 10mm Pistol,
Q/25A/25 Fixer
Q/50L/25 Fixer, Tesla
Q/50C/15r .50, Tommy gun Gatling gun, Auto Pipe,
Q/25/50bs Fixer, Holy fire, DB, Hm, Auto Pipe, Cryo
Q/50C/Dur Fixer (2x), hm, EPP ,Railway
Q/E/90 railway, .50 cal, Minigun
Q/25/25 Pipe Revolver, Ab, EPR perfect mods,
Q/50C 10mm, Em
Q/Ap/15r Fixer
Q/25A/Dur Holy Fire, Gamma gun
Q/25A/15r Holy Fire,
Q/E Pipe Pistol, Hunter Riffle, Pumpgun, Combat Riffle, DB
Q/50C/25 Minigun,Tommy, Plasma Riffle, Gatling gun, Western Revolver, Epr, Radium, Handmade
Q/50b/25 Tesla, Hm
Q/50l/15r tesla
Q/25 Tesla
Q/50H/25 Radium, EPR, Western Revolver,
Q/e/15r hm(2x), Gatling gun, Em, Railway, DB, Pipe riffle
Q/ls/25 Ab
Q/25/15c epp
Q/50h/15r EPP
Q/e/50bs Rwr
Q/25/15c Railway (2x) , EPP
Supressor:
S/e/25 Fixer
S/25/15r Fixer
S/50c/25 Hunting riffle
Two Shot:
TS/50C/25 Fixer (2x), Hm (2x), Tesla, Dragon
Ts/25/25 AR, Fixer, epp, Ultracite laser riffle
Ts/E/Dur Minigun
Ts/50H/25 Fixer, Radium
Ts/25/dur Fixer, hm
Ts/e/25 Pipe Revolver, RWR, Em, 10mm Pistol,
Ts/Ls/25 Assaultron Head
Ts/e/15c Lever (2x)
Ts/25/15r Flamethrower, EPR,
TS/50c/15c RR, Ab
TS/50L/25 Em Ts/e/15r lmg
Ts/25/90, Lmg
Ts/50c/15c Plunderbuss
Ts/e/90 Pumpgun, lmg
Vampire:
V/50C/15r GP, Gatling Gun
V/50C/15r Railway
V/e/dur Hm, Em
V/e/25, Hm, Em
V/Ap/25 Fixer
V/50L/25 Fixer, RR, 10mm, Hm
V/50C/25 Gauss, Chainsaw, DB(2x), Fixer, 10mm Pistol, handmade
V/e Lever
V/25/15c Hm(2x), Gatling laser, epp
V/25/25 Gatling laser, Pipe Bolt Pistol, Epr
V/25/50Damage resist EPR
V/e/15r Western Revolver, Single Action Revolver,
V/25/15r Plasma Thrower, Gatling Plasma
V/25a/15r Plasma Thrower
V/25/90 Gamma Gun, Flamer
V/50h/25 epp
Armor Pieces:
Uny/AP/HTD H Leaver Set
Uny/Mix/Sent bos Combat armor set
As/Mix/Cav Usa Set
Uny/7Explo/Cav FSA La
OE/AP/Sent Usa LL
Oe/7Exp/Cryo Fsa LL
As/7E/AWR Raider PA LA
Aristo/AP/WWR Trapper RL
Aristo/AP/Stealth FSA Chest
As/7Exp/Sent FSA RL
Oe/7Exp/WWR X01 LA
Bolst/S/WWR T60 LL
Uny/Ap/Stealth Trapper RA
Uny/S/WWR light Metal armor LA
Uny/I/Cav Wood Rl
Uny/1S/Wwr Heavy Raider Armor Ra
Van/P/WWR FSA LL
Uny/S/Limb Usa LL
Uny/I/JWR FSA LL
Uny/Ap/Sent Fsa la (level 40)'
uny/ap/sneak trapper chest, trapper ra
Oe/Ap/wwr Raider PA rl ( level 30)
Uny/1P/Cav fsa Ra
Uny/S/WWR light Metal La
Uny/HungeWWR Usa Rl
OE/1e/FDC Usa ll
Bolst/I/sentt Trapper LA
Bolst/S/Sent Wood RL
Uny/L/WWR Heavy raider LA
Uny/S/WWR Sturdy leather RA
Uny/I/Sent Wood LL
Uny/Cryo/Cav FSA Cp
Uny/Cryo/Awr Fsa LL
Uny/I/AWR USA RL
Ari/Ap/Wwr Heavy metal CP'
Van/Cryo/WWR Leather CP
Van/AP/AWR Raider RA
Bolst/led/Cav Metal CP
Oe/1s/WWR Metal LA
Uny/Int/Sent Usa RL

Hi looking to build new pc, need some1 to have a look at what i picked so far, let me know if it's any good.
Part list :
https://uk.pcpartpicker.com/list/pnTkt7
Details :

What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.

Gaming :
Escape From Tarkov (This is why I picked 7800x3d, apparently its THE cpu for tarkov)
Wow
Modded Stalker
ETS2

What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?

trying to stay around £900, but willing to go over.

When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.

June 2024

What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc\)

MOBO, CPU , RAM, CASE.

Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?

UK, West Yorkshire.

If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.

PSU (Not able to tell model from top of my head, but it's around 1 year old, bought with this build in mind)
Aorus RTX 3070
SSDs/HDDs
Case fans (if needed).
Monitors
Keyboard
Mouse

Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?

uhh probably not, no. 90% no.

Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)

No RGB please.

Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?

Big Full ATX case.
Doesn't have to have any see through panels etc.
Would love to be able to keep the PC on left hand side.

Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?

no
thank you :)

Y'all this is the longest post ever but I need to take a poll. The question at hand is: Do I accept the puppy? Back story: For literally as long as I can remember, I have yearned for my own big-headed blue American Bully. I've prayed for it, dreamt about it, cried over it, everything you can do to manifest something. I have experienced many devastating losses in the last few years; my best friend/sistesoulmate passed in my arms just a few months go, and both of my moms (biological and adoptive,) my grandpa, my little brother, and my relationship with my son's father (who was my childhood guy best friend) are all gone. To put it lightly, I am not okay. My heart is constantly aching and I can never catch my breath. I'm really struggling emotionally, and I feel painfully alone all the time. I've been able to keep myself together enough to be a good mom and provide for my son and the animals I already have, but I am dying inside and I desperately need something good to happen in my life. My friend's dog had a litter of purebred blue American bullies and she is offering me a free puppy. Here is the problem: I am not financially set in life. My car died a little over a month ago and I'm having a lot of trouble saving up for another one. I don't get government assistance except healthcare, I work, my bills are paid, I have groceries, my animals have food, but after that, money is tight. I rent my house at a low cost and it is quite a fixer-upper but I've lived there for 4 and a half years and I'm allowed to have pets with no restrictions. I have always fostered animals and I currently have a dog that I bottle raised, so I have everything for a puppy except puppy kibble and puppy pads, and the price of those things aren't going to be the difference between me paying bills or saving for a car. I have a big fenced in back yard. I work third shift so I am always home during the day for training/quality time. I can purchase the puppy's vaccines online and do them myself for a fraction of the cost at the vet. There are resources around me for low-income pet healthcare. But there are times I've needed to borrow money from people, and I've received financial help from loved ones when needed, and those people are understandably frustrated that I'm even considering accepting the puppy. This puppy is truly a lifelong dream-come-true for me and the chances of this opportunity coming back around, a free purebred blue pit falling into my lap, are slim to none...but they aren't wrong about it being not the best financial decision. My thoughts are, I'm going to be financially stressed with or without the puppy, so why not do something that will help piece my heart back together, something I've always wanted? Do I accept the ridicule and judgment from my loved ones and follow my heart? I know I could make it work, but it also means forfeiting any future financial help and that's definitely something to consider in case I hit a rough patch again. Another point I'd like to make is that I did have two dogs. I was financially supporting, training, and caring for two dogs for years, not including dogs I fostered, and when my son's father and I separated, he kept his dog and I kept mine. He lives in the downstairs apartment and I live upstairs, so I still see the dog, but he's not mine anymore and I don't financially support the dog anymore. And relinquishing responsibility of that dog did not help me financially or emotionally. What do I do? I've been going back and forth for weeks and my heart hurts. My window of opportunity is closing. Thanks for reading my novel. So, yes, get the puppy? Or no, suffer? LOL

Since 5 or 6 law enforcement vehicles just skeeted through the 5 way at 6th and NW Aurora, heading North on NW Aurora, lights and sirens at their brightest and loudest for all the traffic in a residential zone, woke my cats up.. one went from the head to foot of the bed in a single hissing motion and the other burrowed under the blankets and tried to tunnel to China through my stomach... which in turn woke my half deaf self up... and I don't Facebook...

Wtf is going on around 02:40 on a Wednesday morning?

I know police presence has increased for certain reasons in the past week or so but... who has a scanner? I'm dying to know what's going on. It feels like the Y2K of hot pursuit on the NW side of town!
My grammar, including run on sentences, is grimace worthy. Apologies in advance

Hey there, so here's what I'm doing - I started OC and I plan to play with this character through all official campaigns - OC -> SOU -> HOTU and yes I realize I will be vastly overleveled - that is fine, it's part of the journey (kind of recreating what I did like 20 years ago when playing the game for the first time) so I don't mind blasting through the content. Now I'm actually really enjoying the build I'm playing and the idea behind it was to get as many defensive bonuses (like saves, ac, or straight up immunities) without going completely meta. So here's what I'm rolling with:
Half Elf STR14 DEX12 CON 14 WIS 15 INT 10 CHA 12 (I'm typing from memory so I hope I didn't mix it up but it looks fine). First 2 levels into Paladin which combined with half elf gives me immunity to sleep, disease and fear and +4 against enchantment and CHA to saves. Now after this I'm pumping cleric levels for a while and top it up with a couple blackguard levels for additional saves, a stacking bull strength and... well here's where I'm stumped - how many levels of BG should I take. I plan on being mostly melee, self buff but I do want to mix some offensive magic in as well - so far using call lightning for large aoe groups but the idea is to open up with one or two strong spells then charge into melee. I do want to lean into the theme of undeath - so far I'm summoning a Skeleton and buffing it with what I can to fight alongside me and I'd like that to continue. Not using a henchman just focusing on my undead pal.
I kind of regret going 12 dex (I was thinking of going to 13 and taking dodge but I scrapped that) instead of 14 CHA but with eagle splendor and some items I can reach 18-20 CHA anyways which is +8/+10 to all saves in the end which seems strong enough, I'd rather focus on the theme more than power.
Do you guys have any advice? Maybe I should switch something up? Most importantly how many levels of Blackguard to take? I like the idea of casting darkness (does half elf vision allow you to see it or do I need true sight since its a magical effect) and utilizing BGs sneak attack but I do want my offensive cleric spellcasting to not be useless. I realize I'm trying to do everything at the same time but that's kind of the point - I don't need to be the best at anything, sort of like a cleric version of a bard I guess.
Playing on hardcore d&d rules if that matters and took air and knowledge domains since I love lightning and wanted to be self sufficient without using a rogue/bard hench.
The blackguard idea didn't even appear in my head until halfway through act 1, I thought it would be weird that my characters last name is Light of Dawn (yes, I'm still fuckin' edgy even at 35, sue me) and be an evil blackguard but the more I thought about it the more I loved it. Imagine this character walking in introducing herself ad the Light of Dawn before slitting the throat of some random guy that bumped into her before summoning undead and razing the entire village. Its like spitting into Lathander's face. Take that!
Oh right, almost forgot - could you recommend me some higher level modules? Ones I could tackle after I'm done with HotU? Something level 30+ I guess? Or whatever level you end up more or less at the end of that xpac - it's been a while since I last finished it.
edit: all my attributes so far have been going into WIS - I plan on doing this until 20 and then I'm not sure, more WIS or STR instead.

I was trying to force myself into lucid dreaming and ended up stuck. I was in my kitchen and had people coming in and out moving random stuff like ladders, desks, tools, etc. everything was being demolished and renovated until I kept teleporting back and forth to Home Depot or some kind of construction store. Touching random tools, but they were all rusted and broken. My laptop was there and it was broken as well. I somehow kept seeing random people, they spoke to me but when I turned away and looked again, it was a whole different person. I then teleported into a car with more random people and I was in my Camry driving through an old junk yard that had multiple circle turns. Those people eventually just disappeared completely. My driving wheel was broken too so I don’t understand how that was possible until I hit a dead end. I teleported back and forth home and to the store and everytime it kept breaking and getting worse and worse. I also had a head injury by stubbing my head that I could physically touch within the dream. I was able to slip back out 2-3 times (everytime I would wake up I would touch my head to see if there was the bump on my head but no bump. the very last time was EXTREMELY difficult to get out of. I kept saying so many phrases to get out and I was stuck for what felt like an entirity. I do recall the last thing I said was “I’m sorry” and after that reawakening Im way too afraid to go back into sleep. Every progressive time I tried going back things just kept getting more broken, worse and worse. I thought all my hard work was breaking around me. (I have a bachelors of science in construction management if that helps) Can someone explain this? I’ve been practicing lucid dreaming and sometimes even give myself sleep paralysis but I was always able to get out of immediately. it was never this intense and terrifying. It didn’t hurt to return but it wasn’t necessarily a nightmare. I was fully aware of what was going on except the experience was like taking psychedelics. Is it possible that I could have induced myself into a coma? I’m afraid to even go back to sleep now because what if I don’t wake up? Also for more context, it was a time total of about 2-3 hours. I have a digital clock which I saw every time I woke up if that helps as well. Has anyone ever had a similar experience?

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

⎯

★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

⎯

★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

⎯

★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

⎯

★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

⎯

★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

⎯

★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

⎯

★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

⎯

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

⎯

★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

⎯

★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

⎯

★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

⎯

★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

⎯

★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

⎯

★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

⎯

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

⎯

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

⎯

★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

⎯

★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

⎯

★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

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TW: brief mentions of depression, suicidal ideation, and attempted suicide
When I (28F) was growing up, I was the golden child of the family. I didn't know it back then. Up until I was in high school I had a younger sister and an older half sister I only saw a few times a year. It wasn't like I never got in trouble or got yelled at, in fact I have a very vivid and hurtful memory where I was called a liar by my parents when I was being 100% truthful (they just didn't want to hear it and wanted someone to be mad at I guess), and then I was told to just "suck it up and get over it". But compared to my younger sister, who was compared to me in every way, I always had the perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect behavior, etc. Our parents, especially our mother, who was the main parent taking care of us during the week, pretty much pitted us against each other constantly. My little sister was being told she needed to be more like me, and I was told my sister was a bad kid. I would try to help her stay out of trouble as a kid and would get mad when she didn't listen to me because i didnt understand she was just being herself and didn't need to be exactly like me. Up until college, I didn't understand that my sister didn't need to change, she needed her parents to love her as she was and help her instead of trying to mold her into some ideal of perfection. We were picked apart constantly about every little thing we did, and I was expected to always somehow know everything even if I'd never learned it before. My house was full of constant yelling due to the extremely high expectations and my mother's terrible temper, and it became a very stressful place to be starting when i was around 10. We went through a lot of financial hardships as well since I was very young, so I dont want to dismiss how hard things were for my parents and how much they went through. But I have always been hyper aware of how much it costs for me to exist as my mom stressed so many times over the years that she couldn't afford to buy even a new shirt because she had to buy stuff for us, as if that was at all our fault.
When i was in high school, my baby brother was born. He pretty much instantly became the new golden child, not only because he was the youngest and the only boy, but because it became clear at a very young age how intelligent he is. I was a straight A honors kid and he was blowing me out of the water since he learned to read. I didn't mind at all because 1) I was going to be going to college in a couple years, and 2) with our age difference, he was as much my son as my brother, and I took on a very loving parental role with him of my own volition. I also saw the promise in him and I wanted him to live a happy life. My little sister and him are very close to this day, at least to my knowledge. During this time they were still coming down really hard on my little sister, treating her as well as they always had - meaning they still yelled at her constantly and were overly critical of her and everything she even thought about doing. They talked about sending her to military school more than once, and pretty much resigned themselves to the idea my sister would never be able to live on her own before she even got to high school, let alone graduated.
Flash forward to when I was in college, I started coming home and noticing things about how my parents treated my sister, and for the first time I saw it for how terrible it was for her. The distance and time I spent away from the house helped my little sister and I completely change our relationship by my second or third year. What really solidified it was a series of events that happened my junior and senior years of college.
My sister moved to our town with her husband with their 2 very young boys, and we soon found out she was pregnant with twins. That is kind of where it all began to fall apart. Time showed not only that her husband is a massive pos, but also potentially abusive, although we never got concrete proof. As my sister's pregnancy progressed and they struggled to get on their feet, my parents started watching my nephews for hours at a time, sometimes the whole day. And if my parents had to babysit out of nowhere and put their lives on hold, me and my younger siblings were expected to do the same. No toys, no books, no games - nothing. Essentially, the entire house was expected to babysit in a way that i have been told wasn't normal. Even my little brother was expected to take on this role in caring for kids who were only a couple years younger than him. I spent my entire childhood taking care of my little sister and then my baby brother, and I hated seeing how they were doing the same to him when me and my little sister were at the age where it shouldve been left up to us. I started really butting heads with my parents as the situation progressed because they started yelling at my baby brother when the boys would even bump their heads even though it wasnt his fault. He never mistreated them, hit them, pushed them , or anything, so my parents justified it by saying he wasn't being a "good uncle" by "letting them" bump their heads on the tv stand, for example. He was expected to let them play with all of his toys, and my mom tried letting the boys use things that were very important to my brother, which would've ended up with the boys taking those things home. Saying it that way makes it sound a lot more mild that it was, but I'm trying to save time and not give out too many personal details. I guess you could say in short, my parents began expecting my elementary school age brother to give up his time, his space, his toys, his gifts - anything that meant anything to him, to help care for children when he was still a child not much older than them. I ended up giving my baby brother my room to not only keep his stuff in, but to sleep in.
In the end, my sister had the twins and then moved back to her home state about 6 months later. We think her no good husband lied to her about us and she cut contact with all of us, and we haven't heard from her since. In our house, the damage was done. I had long conversations with my little sister when our parents weren't around about how she needed to get out because of how they were treating her, and how I would eventually graduate and move to a city where I could find a job. But neither of us wanted to leave our little brother in that house because we were worried how they would treat him when we both left. Our parents had already proven they would throw any of us to the side at any second, even their golden child baby boy, and blame even him for anything that went wrong. Our parents have a history of spilling all our business at any holiday meal and badmouthing any little mistake. They would talk shit about us in front of us and shame us in front of family our entire lives, and if my sister and i weren't there to take the brunt of it, how long until they turned on my baby brother. Would they even wait until he wasn't "perfect" anymore?
Throughout all of this, I was struggling a lot in college, and starting around junior year i became very depressed and suicidal, which resulted in a major attempt in my 5th year of college, which to this day i don't like talking about. Before that, however, I went to my mom about feeling depressed and told her i thought i needed to talk to someone. She brushed me off. I was dumb enough to think that maybe she thought i was exaggerating, so i tried a second time to ask her for help about a year later, and she brushed me off again. Part of me blames her almost entirely for my attempts, because i came to her before any of them because i knew thats where it was headed if i didnt get help. All she had to do was make a couple phone calls to find me someone to talk to and she couldn't even do that for me. I was a scared girl who needed her mom's help because i didnt know who to turn to, and she turned her back on me. After my final attempt, I pulled myself up and got help, but my financial aid ran out and I was unable to return to school and finish my degree, so I went back to my parents house and was absolutely miserable for the next 6 months. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't "perfect" like i was supposed to be. I felt suffocated every single day and like the only ones who wanted me there were my siblings. One day I tried a little experiment and sat in the living room with my mom for the entire day and she didn't say one single word to me, didnt even acknowledge my existence. Ever since the stuff with my nephews happened, I had doubled my efforts to protect my siblings and take the brunt of my mom's anger, so I pushed back a lot when they tried to get onto my siblings for ridiculous things. I ended up ghosting my friends for 3 months because I was so depressed, and it really scared them. It was then I knew i had to get out of that house or it would kill me, so I moved into my grandparents' house a town over.
Things at my grandparents' house started okay, and i was even able to confide in them what had been going on at my parents' house, which in the end turned out to be a big mistake. I got a job working overnight at a retail store and met the guy who is now my boyfriend of 3 years. Unfortunately, the longer i spent at my grandparents' house the more i saw where my mom got it from, and they ended up treating me just as bad as what was going on at my parents' house. The only difference was that my sister wasn't there so i was taking the brunt of all of it. When things started getting tough for them after my grandpa retired, instead of sitting down with me like an adult and asking if it would contribute financially, my grandpa cornered me in the car when he was driving me back from work and guilted money out of me with a sob story. And guilted me at the dinner table the second time when they needed more money. One time i walked in the house after work and before i had even taken my shoes off or put my purse down to get my wallet out, he blocked the door to my room with his hand out like a loan shark to give him the money. I payed for all my own expenses, took short showers and kept as many lights off as i could, and told them not to buy me anything, even food. And in the end, even though they guilted me for money, then more money, and promised they wouldnt kick me out, they sold the house out from under me when they knew i was still trying to save for an apartment with what little money i had left a month. I ended up having to live with my best friend and her husband or i wouldve been homeless. I still helped them move even when they f-ed me over. And even after all that, I still went to holidays and visited my parents from time to time.
The last time i saw my grandparents they ran into me and my best friend in a store. My grandpa saw me first (he and my grandma were in different parts of the store), and starting yelling at me for pretty much cutting them off since i hadn't been to see them for months, and then when he started realizing he looked like the bad guy tried to make the reason i stopped talking to them about politics (i live in a conservative area) as if that would justify it. When my friend and i were trying to grab one last thing before we left because i was humiliated and trying not to cry, my grandma cornered me at the deli counter, had me pinned between the counter and a cart so i couldn't leave, and started yelling at me too. I was so broken back then, but i tried to tell both of them i would talk to them but not in the store. They just wanted to scream so we left. I haven't spoken to them since and have no plans to.
Eventually i moved 2 hours away back to the city i had went to college in. During that time, my grandparents drove the 3 hours to try to find where i lived, and then called trying to get me to come downstairs. I was asleep for work at the time but it made me feel so uncomfortable that they would do that. And after living there a year and my bf and i commuting to visit each other every other week, it came to the point where if i wanted our relationship to continue i had to move back. This is not something he ever brought up to me, this was a decision I came to on my own. So two years ago I moved back to the area I grew up in. We live an hour away from my hometown and 30 minutes away from the town i met my boyfriend in. And although he has family in both areas that we visit, I haven't seen or really talked to my parents or siblings since i initially moved out of the area.
A year ago, after a year of silence from me and from my parents, I dropped a box off at my parents' house when they weren't home with souvenirs i got them on vacation when i first moved back, short letters to each of them about the gifts, and a long video letter on a flash drive explaining everything I felt because i knew i couldn't go on without being honest and i knew if i tried to have a conversation in person, they wouldn't listen to me. I told them i wanted to keep them in my life but i couldn't ignore everything that had happened and the ways they treated me and my younger siblings. I told them i had no interest in continuing a relationship with my grandparents and that anything they have told them probably wasnt true. I sent them scans of my diaries as "proof" that i wasn't lying because that's the kind of house i grew up in - if you couldnt prove it, it didnt happen. I laid myself completely bare so that i could heal, knowing the whole time they may never want to speak to me again. I gave them pictures of me and my boyfriend and my new phone number anyway. The only thing i didn't give them was my address because we live on his family's land and his family, knowing a bit about my family and also about my grandparents essentially stalking me, don't want anyone from my family nosing around on the property. I don't want that either so i agreed not to give it out. The people in my life who knew about the box and the letter turned video letter were supportive of the idea given all i had been through, and I thought dropping it off would be the end of things.
Since then, I have healed from everything that has happened. I'm still angry and sad and i feel like I'm grieving every day, but I'm not the spineless, scared girl i used to be. My boyfriend has helped me become a better person in so many ways. But i still miss my family, especially my dad. I feel like he didnt deserve what i've done for reasons i cant go into, because the reality is he depends a lot on what my mom tells him because he works, and he trusts her deeply. I feel like in some regards he depended too much on her word, although he isnt completely innocent. There's obviously a lot more to my story that what I have here or else I'd be writing an autobiography, but just know if this all sounds like it isn't a big deal, I have so many stories and so much more detail that isn't safe to give out here.
The reality is my parents and i pushed each other away until we all became strangers long before everything blew up. I felt like a stranger from the time i left for college. I was made to feel like if i wasn't at home, i was a second thought, and a lot of very serious issues happened while i was away that i didnt find out about until i came home. My last year of college i was physically starving and could only afford to eat one meal a day if that. When i had left for school at the beginning of that school year my mother made it clear i had to figure it all out myself because they had no money to give me, but then i came home for Christmas and everyone but me had all new electronics. I cried asking for money to buy my uniform to start my campus job but they bought all new computers and tablets. And that stung.
Last Christmas, my parents and siblings messaged me. It was the first time I had heard from them since before i dropped off the box. It was just a Merry Christmas, but it absolutely shocked me. And then they all messaged again on my birthday. Same thing, just little pleasantries, but it makes me feel like maybe that door isn't closed. However, I have absolutely no idea if we can move forward, if they want to, or even if its a good idea to try. I have struggled a lot since college about whether or not all of this and everything I wasn't able to share here is or is not a big deal. I've had people close to me listen to my whole story and call it emotional neglect and abuse, but I just don't know. I feel crazy most of the time, and I'm afraid I'm exaggerating or making it up for attention or something, which also doesn't make sense. I struggle a lot in my day to day. I am ruled by the emotions of those around me and i cower like a kicked puppy when people around me are upset, even if its not my fault. I get ashamed when i make a mistake or i'm not "perfect", and if my feelings are valid I have no idea if it would be a good idea to get back in touch. But i think about if/when my boyfriend and i get married, and how i have no family to sit on my side. It sometimes feels like it's my fault because i wasn't strong enough to just shut up and deal with it anymore. At this point I dont know what is the right answer, what's going to finally give me peace. For now, I just keep moving forward trying to build a better life with my boyfriend and hope all the pieces will fall into place later.

It was late November 2015. I was 51 and one year past my divorce (which was not related to cheating) when I became so disgusted with myself that I knew I had to pick myself up. I was alone for the long holiday, and although I wasn't really sad or lonely, I felt empty. However, I had some extra time to consider how does one picks oneself up.
I made a list of potential New Year resolutions that were individually realistic. Some were really easy and stupid like “have your chipped front tooth fixed” and “take & post a selfie”. These smaller tasks fueled my confidence and provided the energy boosts needed to tackle the more challenging resolutions, like starting a weight loss challenge at work.
Skip ahead to March 4th 2016. I had a Friday lunch date with a married client that I met two weeks prior. Of course, it was not a real date, as I wouldn't impose myself on a married woman, nor would I risk my career or my ego, especially if the signals she seemed to be sending were just a product of my wishful thinking, stimulated by checking off some boxes on the list on the fridge dated 1/1/16.
The following is my thank you note to her for a great date as well as for helping me check a lot of boxes over the past few weeks. I sent her a link to it as it is in the form of my first ever online post (one more check box, YAY!).
************************************** We were only 1 minute in the hotel room; her jeans in a ball on the floor. She sat at the foot of the king sized bed and backed her way into the stack of oversized pillows lining the headboard. I followed as If attached by a leash. I landed somewhat awkwardly on my elbows between her legs finding myself squarely face to face with the tattoo. This tattoo, that she so shamelessly revealed just a week ago, the same tattoo that has been scorching my thoughts and the same tattoo that she promised me complete and unlimited access.
It’s been a long time since I have been here or anywhere near as nice as here, between the legs of a beautiful woman 20 years younger and far out of my league....even when I was her age. I took a second to drink in my fortunate situation. I admired her panties. All day I was so hoping she would wear those same panties as before. She didn’t. These were different but similar enough. The delicate lace and silk perfectly framed the tattoo on her hip. She did not disappoint. There is a fruity jasmine scent, intoxicatingly pleasant, and oh so subtle. It is not here. I’ll need to find its source. I want more of that. (I remember being thoroughly impressed and thinking to myself “This girl is good”.)
I briefly forgot that there was someone else here besides myself and the tattoo. How long have I been down here perving out on her? I wondered. I hesitated, and then apologetically looked up half expecting a well-deserved snarky glare. What I found instead was an ear to ear compassionate smile followed by a tilt of her head and an arch of her eyebrow that said “I like that you like that, carry on”.
With confidence restored that we were still in sync, I adjusted myself so that I was in a good position to thoroughly enjoy what I came to do. I kissed the tattoo hard and gave it a good lick. The challenge for today was “Taste the Tattoo” and I won. I did a small celebration gesture that she rolled her eyes to. I continued to kiss and taste all around until every freckle got some personal attention. As I got to the upper most reaches of her inner thighs, I looked up to check in as I was about to cross a new line. For the first time she was not looking back at me but had laid her head back deep into the pillows, her eyes closed. I took that as a yes!
I marveled at the softness of her inner thighs on my cheeks as I gently placed kisses up one and down the other. As I kissed her through her panties, her hips responded by arching her up in anticipation of each next kiss. Before long, those wonderful panties were just getting in the way. I stopped and pondered whether to just slide them aside or remove them or to risk interrupting the mood and attempt a complete wardrobe removal as we were both still fully dressed except for her jeans.
I didn’t have to ponder long as she knew what she wanted and it was not any of the options I was considering. Still lying back with her head semi submerged within the pillows, she held out her arms as if gesturing for a hug. I moved up her body and when I got close enough she pulled me in for a kiss.
Unbelievably, this was our first kiss. I found it odd that we had not kissed yet and was grateful she thought to stop for a moment to have a kiss. We kissed some and then I settled in to thoroughly enjoy it. However, the kiss to come was not the kiss I was expecting or a kiss I was ready for. It was a kiss that could ruin everything.
Technically, there was one kiss before. It was an awkward kiss 5-10 minutes earlier just after we entered the room. All in about the time it took for the hotel door to close behind us, she tossed her bag on the sofa, had her jewelry off and set on the nightstand while I emptied my pockets and silenced my phone.
We approached each other, and as we met I was looking at the place where the tattoo would be under her shirt and behind her jeans. They were higher cut and could not be pulled down that far to get to the tattoo. They would have to come off. To just reach in and do that would be an uncharacteristically bold move for me. But I did have unquestionable permission to have the tattoo in any way that I desired. I reached down with both hands and took hold of the waistband on each side of the button. I didn’t see her simultaneous move in at me at first. Just as I felt the metal of the button, I felt her reaching her arms around my neck and realized that she was tip toeing up for a kiss. It caught me unexpectedly and I think it showed on my face that it did. I tried to recover and moved back in to accept her lips on to mine but it turned into an awkward peck.
I scolded myself for the selfish moment and just as I was trying to formulate a recovery gesture, she, without missing a beat, gently dismissed my fumble and gracefully restored the momentum. “Oh” she said with surprise in her tone, while looking down at my fingers ready to release her button. Then, in a more playfully quizzical tone, she followed with “I guess you want to get right to THAT then” and she stepped back away from me where I lost grip of her jeans. She replaced my fingers on the button with hers, paused, maybe waiting for me to look up to her eyes, which I finally did, then flashed me a devilishly naughty smile and pulled her jeans down to the top of her boots. She then proudly announced, mostly to herself, “You really are going to let me have fun with you, aren’t you!” seemingly shedding any doubts in her mind that I would go through with this. She then sat at the foot of the all white linen king sized bed, removed her boots and jeans and backed her way into the stack of oversized pillows lining the headboard.
Back to our kiss. The kiss that from now on I will reflect on as our first kiss
Responding to her hug gesture, I moved up her body and when I got close enough she pulled me in for a kiss. I didn’t flub it this time, but again, I didn’t know it was coming, and prolly I should have. It took only ten seconds to adjust and synchronize to each other’s kissing form. It was warm and succulent and sweet and was wonderful. I really was surprised at how nice this felt. I don’t recall married kissing being this enjoyable. I remember saying to myself “Damn, this girl can kiss”.
I was on top, in a position that wasn’t going to be comfortable for as long as I wanted this to last, so I backed away to reposition but she held tight indicating she didn’t want me to move. I gestured at the space next to her and she relented. We then settled in facing one another side by side; her smile confirming that this was a nice place. We were hugging and kissing, pulling each other closer and looking into each other’s eyes. Our legs intertwined and our hands were roaming, but not really in a sexual way, more like trying to make as much body contact as possible. I couldn’t get over how I felt so much more familiarity than there was. What I did not recognize at the time was that this was the physical intimacy catching up to match the virtual intimacy we have been sharing online.
Soon the intensity escalated and it was getting very hot very quickly. The intensity and passion that was building was not something I ever expected or planned for. This was the rare kind of making out where accidental hickeys happen and inadvertent “Oh god I love you’s” slip out. Not that either of those was going to happen but my safe, non-committal no emotional strings encounter was getting too hot to not risk introducing emotions into the situation. And that could happen.
At some point I was no longer kissing her lips and mouth but was kissing her.
I broke contact to catch a breath and maybe get some control of the fire. We stopped for a moment to breathe and cool off. She slid herself on top and I rolled over on to my back to accommodate her. She looked at me with eyes that appeared to agree that it was a good time to slow it down. She closed her eyes and she seemed to enjoy that I was rubbing her back with both hands that I slipped up under her shirt. She presented her lips for me to kiss and then her cheek for the same, then neck and ear and lips again. Her long hair had fallen down around us, surrounding our faces like a vail creating a tiny private and even more intimate space. Inside here it was darker and the temperature and humidity rose quickly. We were breathing each other’s breath between kisses. All of a sudden I noticed that Jasmine was back. Not subtle this time, but deep and fulfilling. I loved it.
This fragrance stuff really works. The next morning just after waking up, I caught an unexpected subtle whiff on my skin under my watch and my heart jumped by 20 beats. Who’d a thunk it possible?
The passion was building again but since I was aware and cautious now, I wanted to enjoy and go with it. I thought I could keep it measured and I did for a while as it does take two. The kissing slowed to half and so did the passion. However, the rest of our bodies started to make up for it and the touching evolved into the sexual. She was still on top of me and my hands were exploring and squeezing on her panty covered butt, then under and in those panties. Her body contact became more targeted as she was now very deliberately mashing her fun stuff all over my fun stuff. The kissing subsided but replaced with the audible accompaniment of her squeaks, moans and quicker breathing timed with her mashing I was no longer in control. The passion was under control but being replaced with something intimately erotic.
I abruptly escaped by gently rolling her over on to her back then getting up and knelling between her legs. I took a moment to catch my breath and wanted to say “That is getting WAY too intimate. Can we get naked and have sex now?” However, I tugged at her panties and said something dorky like “can we take these off now?” Yes, we were still both fully dressed except for her jeans
Since I am the kind of guy who doesn’t kiss and tell, (well, only tells about the kisses) and this is not the forum for it, I am not going to talk about the sexy part over the next 30 minutes. I will tell you that we did finally each get ourselves unceremoniously naked and then the sexy part finishes where it started, with me finishing all over that beautiful tattoo. Of course I did a small celebration gesture that she rolled her eyes to.
*************************************************
Cuddle time. Our snapchats leading up to this encounter were heavy on the anticipation and buildup but didn’t contain a lot of detail about or define what stuff would happen during our “fun” time together.
Me: “Ok then, tomorrow lunchtime, I’m in.”
Her: “OMG Are you saying that you are REALLY going to come here and let me have fun with you?
Me: “I’m REALLY going to come there. I am REALLY going to fully inspect that tattoo, as well as the neighborhood where the tattoo lives.
Her: “I so can’t wait to get my hands on you.”
Me: “WOW….Now that this is real and going to happen, my heart is beating so hard that I am afraid that people can see it through my shirt.”
Her: “You have to tell me, are you being SERIOUS right now? You can’t say this and not show up. It’s OK if you are teasing, but you have to say so that you are now….not tomorrow!!!”
Me: “I am SERIOUS and I PROMISE I will be there. You have gotten to me, BAD. All week with the way we have been talking..err..I mean snapchatting; I can’t get you out of my head. Then today with those tattoo snaps you sent; I can’t get up from my desk. LOL…..NOT kidding NOT teasing.”
Her: “I am BAD, and I like having FUN. I am going to have so much fun with you!!!”
************************************************
The only specific things I recall us acknowledging we would do with our “fun” was tattoo inspection and cuddle time. So as soon as cleanup from sexy time was done we both knew what time it was. For me, as good as the inspection was the cuddle was better. Just as during the sexy time we changed things up and we got to cuddle many ways. We started face to face full contact hugging just like our kissing time with some but less kissing and more being in the moment.
We were still hot (temperature hot now) and sweaty so that didn’t last long. She turned over and we spooned some. I was still craving full body contact but it was still so hot that we had to separate a bit. No contact spooning if you will, with just my one hand caressing her exposed shoulder and arm and hip with an occasional butt cheek squeeze.
It was about that time that we had our first ever personal conversation. On the project there were lots of flirty banter and some personal stories but almost always as part of a group. We had many phone calls and a few project meetings with just us two but never did the conversation get personal. Until now the only personal talks (Chats) we have had have been via Snapchat. I don’t recall who asked the first question of the other, but it was like a dam broke and we started filling in the details of our lives, our feelings and all the things we chatted about.
There was a lot to tell and we were giddy like children (child) best friends re-meeting on the first day of school catching each other up on our summer vacations. At one point she had something compelling to say and faster than a fish out of water she flipped back to facing me so she could gesture with her hand and punctuate through her expression. She landed close. Closer that I think she meant to at first and just a bit awkward I felt. But I was wrong. She didn’t back up an inch. I really couldn’t see her hand but I could feel that she was using it in the 2 to 4 inches of space between our chests. Her face was right into mine. She would lean back or up just an inch when she wanted me to see her eyes or smile or frown for emphasis, then settle back into the pillows with our foreheads or noses or cheeks touching. It was the farthest thing in the world from awkward.
If there was a recurring theme for the day it would be HOT; in every sense and synonym of the word. Again, it was getting too sweaty to remain that close. This time she broke contact to catch a breath and escape the heat. We stopped talking for a moment to breathe and cool off. She sat up, crawled to, and grabbed the (sexy time) clean-up towel that was at the far foot of the bed. She turned around so that she was kneeling facing me as she brought the towel up to her chest to absorb the beads and drips of sweat that had accumulated. As I watched, I again thought of my great fortune to be right here right now feeing what I feel and seeing the beauty before me. She pushed the towel down across her belly button and it fell into her lap.
I observed the soft sunlight reflecting off the white sheets, the white towel, and the white pillows bathed her in perfect light creating just a hint of subtle shadows in all of the right places on her angelic white skin. I started consciously taking photos with my mind. I wanted to capture every nuance and note every detail. I don’t know if I will ever be here again.
I don't recall if my next realization was comprehended in a split second, or if it took ten seconds to develop, but a terrible fear washed over me that for the first time in forever, she was beyond my touch and her next action might be to look for her panties or go jump in the shower. We were after all, deep into the second hour of her hour long lunch.
As I was preparing myself for the pain soon to come, I couldn't understand where it was coming from. I had the BEST DAY EVER, but I felt like an exhausted child who just watched the Disney fireworks finally and knows what that means.
What the hell? What is happening in my head? I don't even know this girl, let alone have feelings for her beyond she made my dick feel good at lunchtime.....and, I guess my ego is healthier since I met her. I have not cheated on my diet since she turned on the flattery the week before. I was sure it had to be somehow manipulative, but I hoped that if only a 5% chance it wasn't AND she liked me AND her mom was single, made it easy to keep my snacking to peas & carrots.
My self esteem has been skyrocketing too, as I have been checking a lot of boxes on my refrigerator. LOL, so many in fact, that I have been adding things to the list after they happened that I didn't dare put on it as they seemed pretty unobtainable just two months before. "Get sent a nude selfie, check. Have the confidence to send one back, check. Take a hottie 32 year old client out to lunch and fuck her brains out, check.
Did I just discover that I like girls who make my self esteem feel good more than I like girls who make my dick feel good?
Shit, that wasn't even on my top ten list. Smart, funny, pretty, Kind, whatever is the opposite of bitchy, fun in bed, boobs and/or an age appropriate figure is always nice, curious, someone you can trust to see you at your worst. Before today, "genuinely being a boost & support of my self esteem" was 10th.
Then BAM. I was hit in the face with the towel. Damn girl, I hope you can handle a spanking because I was just on the verge of making an interpersonal discovery of some importance over here, I thought to myself. I noticed the slightest or possibly mock look of concern on her face as she asks "you're not having any regrets or second thoughts over there are you?". I reflexively replied "Oh god no". Then with some emphasys, I continued "today was incredible. I REALLY needed this and you were PERFECT, thank you".
Again she did not disappoint. She crawled to the top of the bed on the far side and then to me over the pillows and laid down at a 90 angle to me on her stomach parallel to the headboard with her head nearly right on top of mine. She propped herself up a bit on her elbows and we kissed deeply. It was nice.
I made a few attempts to shake my internal drama, get out of my head and get back to my goal of picking my self up after my divorce. Oops, I mean back to pleasing a beautiful woman who clearly was not yet done having her fun with me. The emotional rollercoaster ride over the last hours, days & weeks completely blew out my brains ability to generate or absorb endorphins or whatever happens in a situation like this. Shortly after we had joked around while showering together, kissing goodbye (just like when I kissed my endorphin killing ex wife) and going on back to our separate lives.
I drove the hour or so home, brought my dog to the park and had healthiest and happiest cry I ever had. I don't know what I was feeling or why, but I was feeling again and it brought me much relief and contentedness.
We texted a bit that evening confirming that we each enjoyed our time together and agreeing that we should do that again sometime. The next day, Saturday, her husband took their 5 & 8 year old sons somewhere for the day. We checked in with each other again over text and chatted some about our lunch but the spark or excitement we usually had was not the same.
I reached out again that evening and asked if she was in a place that we could talk on the phone. She resisted but did call me (our first personal phone call). It took her 24 hours to let her cry bubble up. It turns out that our emotional experiences were remarkably similar, albeit from different perspectives.
She much later reveals that she felt emotionally dead for her hubby. She evolved to a bad place where she wanted fuck anyone but her hubby but still fucked him twice a week and had to appear happy to do it, killing her brain chemistry.
We rode the best and worst roller coaster in the world for 6 or 8 months....until the the Cocaine eventually wore off or the unobtainable became obtainable and it wasn't the the same rush for either of us any longer. She was the closest thing to a drug addiction that I ever felt. I never wanted anyone or anything like I wanted her.
My hope is that this story helps one person answer the question "Why the hell would he/she risk giving up their wonderful & loving family for an hour with a douchebag or a skank?"

I had a really weird dream last night and I just need to share because it’s been bothering me all day. Last night, I remember dreaming as usual and then I found myself laying down in my bedroom. Everything was the same! I opened my eyes in my dream and saw a body wearing a white shirt and black jeans, but with no head. It was like his body, but the face was blurry and I couldn’t see it at all. I remember it being dark, but the TV was on, so it was giving my room light, just how I have it before I go to sleep because I sometimes don’t like sleeping completely dark. Anyways, I remember feeling scared but also thinking, “What is going on? Who is that?” The person came onto me in my bed and I could literally feel their warmth. I could feel it breathing by my ear. I remember just hugging it and cuddling, closing my eyes. The first person that came into my head inside the dream was my ex. I was so tripped out over the fact that I could literally feel everything. Has this happened to anyone else?

Memory Transcription Subject: PFC Alus, Yotul auxiliary to the UN Spaceborne Infantry
Date [standardized human time]: March 3\**^rd 2137, 1000 hours ship-time
After Gutierrez showed me to our compartment, and I dropped off my duffelbags, he began leading me to the Armory, where I would be assigned my rifle and 'sensitive items' as he put it. As we walked, my mind churned with more questions.
"Hey, uh, Guts. Back in the supply compartment, you mentioned the 'USMC'? That's the American Marines right? I thought you were UN Spaceborne infantry."
"Yeah, so, I am a Marine. Marine to the core. But Earth sorta got thrown into this whole clusterfuck without having a properly unified military, and instead of trying to set up a whole new service from scratch, they got the big five on the Security Council, being us, the Brits, the French, the Chinese, and the Russkis, to pitch in units. So you got Marines and Army making up the American portion of the SI, and Navy and Airforce making up our part of the fleet. Same for every country that pitched in, even some outside the UNSC." Gutierrez explained, his hands moving about animatedly. "Right now it's a hot mess because none of the standards, paperwork, or anything changed, but I guess they'll probably formalize and standardize the SI and Fleet after all this shit is done. All we currently got that's the same is rifles, uniforms, and equipment. The traditions and paperwork and shit are all wildly different from one countries units to another, and sometimes even within the same country's units because of different branches. The US Marines and US Army for instance, we share a lot of the same shit you know, but our low-level paperwork is branch-specific, and our organization is different."
I thought for a moment about what he was saying as we walked though the passageways, pondering on the idea of what a truly united Human military could accomplish, if everything Humanity had done so far was with a truly thrown-together force. As I looked up again, I saw we were approaching the armory, and mentally filed my next question away for later. We crossed through the threshold, and I found myself standing in front of a grated window, another Human on the other side.
"Sarn't Johnson, I'd like you to meet our new Yotul auxiliary, Alus. We're doing inprocessing, and need to get his weapon and equipment drawn and assigned."
The new Human looked down at me curiously and smiled, before reaching down and grabbing a few sheets of paper from under his desk.
"Alright" the Sergeant said, before moving deeper into the armory, stopping at a weapons cage, before unlocking it and inspecting the rifles line up inside "So, what are we billeting him as?"
"Just an 0311, needs a rifleman's kit and associated gear" Guts replied, leaning forward to watch the Sergeant.
"Gotcha. Just gimme a minute here."
Guts and I watched as the Armorer pulled a cart over, and picked out a rifle, laying it down on the cart, and locking the cage, before moving to the next rack and removing a small black bag, repeating the process along the line of cages across one wall of the armory, before coming back to the front, and pressing a button on his desk. I heard a click from a door next to the grated portal, and Gutierrez waved for me to follow him through the door, and into the armory.
The Sergeant had sat back down, and was poring over what appeared to be a checklist as he inspected each piece of equipment, ticking them off down the list one by one. When he was done, he clipped it to a clipboard, and handed it off to Gutierrez, before looking toward me.
"So, Heard you fellas went through some sorta training dirtside, so you should be familiar with at least the rifle?" He asked, picking up a notably shorter version of the standard UN rifle I had qualified on Earth with.
"Yes, ours were longer, it kinda seemed like they weren't really meant for non-Humans to use. We could all barely aim them shooting, uh, offhand I think it was?"
"Yeah, sounds about right for an indoc unit. The M-36 is a piston gun so it's good bit heavier out front than the old M-16's the Corps used to issue way back, Mag in the back kinda balances the whole shebang on the carbine variants" he slapped the side of the firearm he was holding "But on the full length rifles they're just ungodly long barrels. Ay, Guts, something like a 28-inch heavy barrel on the old M-36A1's?"
"Yeah, something stupid like that," Guts said, looking up from the paperwork he had been signing, as he set it down on the table. "Marines wanted a gun that was the same length or shorter than an M-16, Piston, and could reach out to like 800 meters with 5.56. I think Bushmaster pulled out some old relic from the 20th century and just modernized it? I remember the K&M lawsuit right when we started getting the A1's back in 2130, but yeah."
The sergeant nodded and turned back to me, pointing at the firearm again "So, when the Corps finally removed their head from their fifth point of contact-"
"Their ass" Gutierrez helpfully interjected, grinning
"Yes, But anyways, They saw some issues with going back to a full size rifle, and got carbines made to replace the A1's for combat arms. Shorter barrel, shorter gas system, shorter receiver, way lighter out front. Super nice shooting guns to boot. Bushmaster also sold them on this neat quick-change barrel system they thought up too, so now we have a bunch of smoothbore barrels for flechettes, rifled barrels for traditional ammunition, pencil barrels for riflemen, heavy barrels with bipods for autoriflemen, in a bunch of different lengths. These fuckers are modular as hell."
The sergeant had what was probably the widest grin I'd ever seen on a Human as he finished talking, and it very nearly took me aback, despite the Yotul, myself included, not having the same issues with Human mannerisms as the wider Federation.
"I-I'm not gonna have to carry all of those, right?" I asked, hesitantly, and Gutierrez broke out laughing, while the sergeant suppressed a chuckle.
"Nah kid, we just pick a rifle and swap the barrel to the one you need for what you're doing. Mostly just makes shit easier on my end really. You're just getting a carbine-length pencil barrel, lightest of the bunch."
The Sergeant shifted, bringing the rifle to his shoulder, and pointed it at a canted barrel, sticking the muzzle in, and pulled back the charging handle, sticking a finger into the rifle's ejection port, before looking in, and releasing the charging handle, before pulling the trigger with a 'click'. He then held out the rifle for me, and I took it, surprised at how much lighter it was than the one I had been issued in training.
"So, one M-36A2." the Sergeant said, before pulling a metal cylinder from a small pouch, and peering through it up at one of the lights, before getting up and grabbing a metal rod, and walking over to me. He stood alongside me, and slipped the cylinder over the muzzle of the rifle, before inserting the rod down the barrel, and peering closely at a small gap around the rod.
"And one suppressor. Clears the rod check so that shouldn't give you any issues. Guts should be able to explain the adjustable piston to you so you don't get gassed in the face while you're using it." With a quick twist of a collar on the back of the tube, the armorer pulled the device off the muzzle and stuck it back in it's pouch, and picked up a larger cloth case. He pulled something that looked like a visor on an articulating arm from it, and inserted a pair of batteries into a cylinder that ran along the top.
"This here is the AN/PVS-101 'Fused vision system'. Little heads up display that links up with the rest of your fireteam, and also has thermal and Infrared overlay. Just a fuckin' neat piece of kit honestly. Datalink is hardened to all hell, and the whole system's idiot-proof. I've seen ones that pre-date the Satellite Wars. Uses an accelerometer and gyro system to keep track of where you are in the area, and can pulse lidar to give you visuals in full pitch-black. You can also mark obstacles, enemy troops, vics, whatever with eye-clicks, and the system keeps track and spreads that out to all the linked systems. Plus there's a version that goes to the fireteam leader, which transmits all that collated data back to company level, and gives them an up-to-date picture of everything that's going on. Just honestly fuckin' cool."
He then held up a square plate on the back of the arm to his forehead, and withdrew a small box from the back and touched it to the back of his head.
"The FVS mounts to the socket on the front of your helmet, and the Processing unit just mounts to the rear, acts like a counterweight too which keeps your neck from hurting nearly as much while you're using it."
Placing both items back in the cloth bag, He finally held up what was obviously a handheld radio, and a set of earmuffs.
"This is the AN/PRC-255. It's a radio, and might as well work with Angry Pixies. I know it's got a 60 mile range, and hops frequencies, and the Comms nerds have some kind of black magic ritual to make them work. The hearing protection doesn't have some letter-and-number name, but they hook up to the radio, and they'll also link up to other headsets nearby like the FVS to communicate without radio. The Radio isn't nearly as impressive as the FVS, and the hearing protection hasn't changed in a meaningful way in about a hundred years. 3M is the Browning of comms gear, I swear. And, that's petty much it."
I looked at the neat pile of equipment sitting next to the carbine, and looked down at my hands, realizing I had nothing to carry any of it with, before looking up at Gutierrez.
"Is it alright if you carry some of this, I don't think I can carry it a-" I said, before I was cut off by laughter from Sgt Johnson.
"Nooooooo, no kid." The sergeant said, wiping tears from his eyes. "This all stays here unless you actually imminently need it. It's assigned to you now, but it stays under lock and key." he explained, while Gutierrez seemed to look simultaneously aghast and about to burst into laughter. My abbreviated training had failed to explain a few things, it seemed, as I had simply assumed that they had locked up our equipment because we were were trainees.
"See, everything in here is either VERY killy, or VERY expensive. And Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines around Earth all have a penchant for shenanigans, and breaking anything they touch. Occasionally themselves too, if left entirely unsupervised with dangerous objects. So we don't let any of you have things which can be described as 'Killy', 'Expensive', or 'Killy and Expensive' unless it's specifically pertaining to the task at hand, Rah?"
"I, uh, see yeah. Rah?" I replied, somewhat dejectedly, and slightly confused.
"Rah." The Sergeant said in reply, and began to load all of the 'Killy and expensive' equipment back onto the metal cart, chuckling to himself still, as Gutierrez tapped me on the shoulder.
"Hey, chow's in about an hour, let's get you back to the barracks so you can get your OCUU's on, and outta those class-B's right?"
"Yeah, that sounds good, I don't think I've eaten since before I arrived at the Orbital, I'm starving" I said, as I followed the Spaceborne Infantry Marine out of the Armory's door, and back down the passageway to the berthing areas of Grunt Country.

So this happened about 23 years ago. When I lived in Norfolk I would go out to VA Beach and do karaoke at this little hole in the wall called The Jewish Mother. I knew the back roads to get out to avoid drunk drivers and such, and I was taking said roads when I saw a cop following me. As any responsible driver does I followed all the road signs and such, figuring this cop saw me leave a bar and is deciding if I'm an idiot who is drunk driving (I wasn't, I rarely had more than two drinks over a five hour period and hate "tipsy" drivers).
After a turn she lit me up. I sighed, seeing those sex lights is never fun and nobody likes getting pulled over at 2am. So this female officer walks up and we do the dance. License and registration, blah blah blah, and she asks if I know why she pulled me over. I shook my head and said I honestly didn't. That's when she gave me a withering glare and said I ran a stop sign right in front of her. My jaw literally dropped, because no ma'am I did not. I asked her where, she said the turn we took to get on this street.
Now, remember I saw her well before this, I knew these back roads, there was no stop sign, and had there been one I certainly would have stopped, no California rolls in front of the coppers. I told her as much and she started getting BIG MAD. Another cop pulls up and more sex lights go up. Now it's a party, but for once I'm actually happy to see another cop. He walks up and asks what's going on.
This Karen declares I ran a stop sign right in front of her and am now claiming it doesn't exist. He turns to me and I said "sir, this road doesn't have any stop signs on it for at least a mile. She's saying the turn over there I pointed to the street, which was in clear view with no stop sign had a stop sign. I don't know about you, but I don't see anything there!". He looks down the road, then pulls the Karenator aside. They talk with many gestures, I can see in my rear view she's getting her panties in a twist, and I'm just sitting here trying to figure out if my husband would be able to afford bail money. Karencopony gets in her cruiser, drives around the block, turns onto the street we were on from the turn I supposedly ran a stop sign on and says something out her window to the other officer.
He waves and she drives off (going over the speed limit, I might add). The other officer then gets in HIS car and drives off. Now, I don't know if you guys know about VA Beach cops but...they're extra as hell. So I'm sitting there waiting because NOBODY TOLD ME I COULD LEAVE. About five minutes go by and the Brocopsky comes by and asks why I'm still sitting here. I told him nobody said I was free to go and the Karencornhole had my license and registration. He cussed, drove off, and came back in about two minutes with my stuff. I drove off and was always really careful in future excursions to the karaoke bar, because Karencopia was ANGRY. So yeah. It's been over twenty years and I still remember that night in stark detail because it was the only time I ever got pulled over for something in a cop's imagination. Good times.