Updated with autopsy results.
Morphew Case Map - Google My Maps - Barry's iPhone Data - Google My Maps - Barry's Truck Events - Google My Maps
August 5, 1994 – Suzanne Moorman marries Barry Morphew The Alexandria Times-Tribune Alexandria, Indiana 05 Jan 1994, Wed • Page 4
December 1999 – Barry and Suzanne Purchase 26040 Cal Carson Rd, Arcadia, IN This is the house where he dug a hole in the yard and buried everything he didn't want to move to Colorado. (AA ft 55 page 53)
November 2013 – Suzanne Inherits $208,000 upon the Passing of her Mother. MB provided documents that Suzanne inherited approximately $208,000 in 2013 at the passing of her mother.
August 2016 – Suzanne inherits $217,000 upon the death of a grandmother. Suzanne’s grievance list included multiple references to Barry controlling the finances.
April 12, 2018 – The Morphew’s Purchase 19057 Puma Path Barry and Suzanne Morphew purchase 19057 Puma Path for $1,575,000.
June 1, 2018 – The Morphews move to Colorado. (PH – Harris) SA Harris: Yeah, they moved in 2018. I believe they left around June 1st, 2018. to move to Colorado. So roughly a year and a half of the time is what Sheila originally said in that.
September 2018 – Suzanne sends “Howdy stranger” message to JL First contact since high school.
Fall 2018 – Libler’s daughter sees messages from Suzanne on his phone. Libler breaks it off.
Thanksgiving 2018 – Barry obsessive/possessive. While Suzanne was at the Oliver’s house, she had stepped away from her cell phone to use the restroom, and Barry tried calling her several times within a few minutes, then tried calling Sheila, then tried calling Darin.
Holidays 2018 – Suzanne finds Libler’s LinkedIn Page. Relationship Rekindled
January 2019 – The Mexico trip where Barry took Suzanne’s phone Mexico trip mentioned in the grievances list where Barry took Suzanne's phone.
February 11 – 14, 2019 – Suzanne in New Orleans with Libler Barry admitted to questioning Suzanne about the New Orleans trip, further evidence he suspected the affair.
April 2019 – Suzanne meets up with Libler in Indiana She does not see SO on this trip.
July 2019 – Suzanne and Libler meet up in Michigan Barry called SO while Suzanne was in MI visiting her fatheJL, wanting to know why Suzanne wasn't returning his calls.
September 2019 – Barry stalks Suzanne and Shelia Oliver, creeping through woods. Barry stalked Suzanne and Sheila at the Puma Path house in September 2019. This is upon his early return from a trip to Arizona.
October 2019 – Libler and Suzanne in Dallas Suzanne and Libler spend two nights at the Galleria.
September – November 2019 – Barry aggressively pursues KW around Salida. From the first time KW met Barry, she said it felt like "he was putting his tentacles out."
Holidays 2019 – Suzanne and Libler stop talking on the phone because she is afraid Barry will find out. They shift to more covert ways to communicate. Barry's second device makes its first appearance.
January/February 2020 – Suzanne in Florida, gets spy pen, sees Libler Suzanne in Florida, SO gives her the spy pen during this trip. Suzanne records a conversation with Libler on this trip.
Late February 2020 – Suzanne in Florida, sees father and Libler. Suzanne skips out on time with her father to see Libler. Barry goes to Florida.
March 2020 – Spy pen records argument between Suzanne and Barry. “It’s money. It’s about money.” “… I have lived for years being told how I should feel, how I should act, how I should look, what I should drink, what I shouldn’t drink, what I should put in my body, what I shouldn’t put in my body … ”
March 20, 2020 – Jekyll and Hyde text exchange between Suzanne and SO, MM2 suggests restraining order. "It’s Jekyl and Hyde again … Pretty much told him I can’t be healthy and stay in this."
March 22, 2020 – Spy pen records Barry listening to Forensic Files episodes, call with Suzanne on drive to Pueblo Coincidentally one of the episodes involved a woman "disappearing" after a bike ride.
April 21, 2020 – Messages between Suzanne and Libler “I want to be with you,” “I can only be me with you,” I love you,” “I need you.” “You know I was born to love you.”
May 4, 2020 16:05 – Barry makes 3 second outgoing call to Suzanne This was the first logged call in Barry’s phone to or from Suzanne since February 7, 2020.
May 5, 2020 – Suzanne drives MM2 to Gunnison Suzanne drives Macy to Gunnison, CO to meet MM1 for a road/camping trip through Utah and Idaho with MM1's best friend.
May 6, 08:44 – Suzanne sends MM2 a text “Good morning! I miss you already!”
May 6, 10:13 – Suzanne: “I’m done. I could care less what you’re up to and have been for years.” From 14:43 to 17:00 Barry replied, “When I’m dead,” “Going to see my savior,” and “This life on earth is a mear (sic) grain of sand compared to eternity.”
May 6, 2020 – 14:43 – From Barry to Suzanne: “I’m sorry if things went the way they did. I have a problem dealing with the way you accused me of hiding checks. If you think I’m as terrible of a person to hide our accounts and have ones you don’t know about you don’t know me. All I do is for you and the girls. All. When I'm dead, which won't be long, you guys will be taken care of. Please stop being angry. If I can control my hurt heart I think I can overcome your distant unlovingness toward me. Honey, I swear it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I love you I always will.”
May 6, 2020 – 15:51 – Barry to Suzanne: “I promise you were wrong about all the crazy thoughts about me. I have always been faithful. Always. Why would I ever want another when I'm married to the most beautiful, sweet, kind, loving, woman as you? Only a fool would stray from an angel like you.”
May 07, 2020 – Suzanne messages Libler about how magical past days had been. Barry wants a new truck. 16:43 - “Been studying all afternoon. I’m gonna bike now. I’ve got veggie soup on for supper.”
May 7, 2020 – SB puts new tires on Suzanne’s bike Bike mechanic was interviewed by law enforcement.
May 7, 17:13:52 – Barry Works Out at GD’s House Truck log files place Barry at GD's home at 5:13 pm.
May 7, 2020 23:00 – “I finally got the job” text from MM1 goes unanswered. Q (Lindsey): Anything on May 6th that didn’t seem normal? Was there a text from Mallory to Mr. Morphew? A (Grusing): I believe that’s the night of May 7th. Mallory, Macy, and their friend Holly are out on a trip towards Utah and Mallory is sending pictures to both Suzanne and Barry but I was ... Read more
May 08, 07:03 – The Grievance List: Suzanne’s phone backs up a list of 50 reasons why she wanted to leave marriage on “Notes” Not safe alone with you. Can’t be trusted - Oppressive - Slam on brakes when angry - Threaten to jump out of car - Gun ...
May 08, 08:43 – “I will continue to do your invoicing when you need to.” "When FBI Agents showed Barry these texts during interviews in 2021, he said he did not think Suzanne was serious."
May 08, 09:28 – Suzanne texts sister about Barry’s abuse. “It’s hard dealing with the harsh abrasiveness and having to show respect. He’s also been abusive, emotionally and physically. There’s so much … I went thru a period of acceptance and I feel more angry now. Anger at what I’ve allowed.”
May 08, 10:55 Barry: “I Love You, Suzanne.” “But, in the afternoon, it (the text fight) was like it never happened. She texted me back and it was just like, ‘Hey, what time are you coming home? Hey, this or that. Just pick this up or pick that up.'”
May 08, 13:18 – Barry texts Salida Stove and Spa about getting the hot tub fixed. "Asking when he could come out to the home."
May 08, 15:43 – Barry’s iPhone receives an SMS message associated with the unknown device This second device was first used on November 30,2019 and was associated with Barry’s iPhone 91 times since then, compared to 1,701 associations with the primary User ID since November 2019.
May 8, 19:06 – Moonlight Pizza and Phone Calls Barry convinces Suzanne to meet him at the Tailwinds site before going to pick up Moonlight Pizza together.
May 08, 21:04 – 20 Facebook friend requests, 3 men named “Jeff.” Barry’s lurking at the River. Barry was asked about his phone pinging down by the river during the Facebook posts on Friday night and asked if he was outside. Barry said, “I could have been. I don’t remember. I chase critters around the house all the time.”
May 09, 00:02 – Incoming call on Suzanne’s phone (PH CAST) Incoming call on Suzanne’s phone (PH CAST)
May 09, 02:07 – Outgoing call on Suzanne’s phone (PH CAST) 02:07 am outgoing call on SM’s phone (PH CAST)
May 09, 06:00 – Barry’s phone received call (PH CAST) 06:00 am BM’s phone received call (PH CAST)
May 09, 06:46 – Barry’s phone registered “Power On” Comes out of Airplane mode.
May 09, 07:19 – Barry’s cell received signal (PH) Barry’s cell received signal (PH)
May 09, 07:22 – 07:39 – Barry at “Tailwinds” worksite Barry’s phone registered locations at his “Tailwinds” work site near Poncha Springs.
May 09, 07:35 – Suzanne texting SO Discussing Sheila's daughters wedding on Sunday.
May 09, 08:00 – MG was with Barry working on the rock beach site until 10am(?). Gentile: “He said that he had to go make the wife happy – do some hiking or biking.”
May 9 – Morning – Suzanne messaging Jeff “He’s still wanting Arizona.”
May 09, 09:50 – Barry to Suzanne: Want to go on hike? *Text Exchange\* Barry to Suzanne: Want to go on hike?
May 9, 2020 – 11:14 – Suzanne received a second password reset message from Facebook Previous reset was while Barry was down by the river on the evening of the 8th.
May 09, 11:15 est. – Barry tells Morgan Gentile he could “bury a body” and it “would never be found.” Gentile: “He seemed stressed. He definitely seemed weird on Saturday.”
May 09, 11:55 – Dead Turkey Hunt or Barry Takes Down His Trail Cameras Barry said he was looking for a turkey that Mallory had shot previously with a bow, but they had never found.
May 09, 13:35 – Barry leaves home again. Checked on job at Kim Gyms
May 9, 13:40(?) – Suzanne texts Libler Guess who is alone again?
May 09, 13:46 – Barry and the backhoe After texting, Barry drove by TK's house to see the backhoe, but did not get back in touch to buy it. In 2018, Barry used a backhoe to dig a large hole in his front yard, fill it with items to include furniture, and cover it over, planting alfalfa on top.
May 09, 13:51 – 14:13 – Barry at DSI, replacing Bobcat blade He was wearing a blue t-shirt and khaki shorts.
May 09, 14:03 – Suzanne sends sunbathing pic to Libler, last proof of life. “Well, look at her. She’s obviously drunk. Look at her eyes. Do you know what drunk eyes look like?
May 09, 14:11 – Suzanne sends last LinkedIn message to Libler: “I’m on wa.” Libler sent response messages at 2:39PM, 2:46PM and 2:47PM that Suzanne did not answer.
May 09, 14:26 – Barry texts Suzanne, “Done headed back.” He texted Suzanne that he was done and was headed home.
May 09, 14:31 – Barry texted Suzanne, “Did you leave.” At 2:31 PM, Barry texted Suzanne, “Did you leave.”
May 09, 14:39 – Libler messages Suzanne, she does not respond. First unread. Messages from LinkedIn show they were talking about how Suzanne is in love with Jeff before she went missing.
May 09, 14:43 – Barry’s phone and F-350, per telematics, arrive at the Morphew residence. "The photo is shown in the courtroom, Suzanne smiling. Truck GPS coordinates show Barry’s truck goes into park at 2:43:59. Phone coordinates show he walks around the house. You can hear a pin drop in the courtroom as tension is high." - Carol McKinley, PH Tweet
May 09, 14:44 – Shooting Chipmunks? Barry had a .22 in the moments when Suzanne ceased the communicate with everyone she loved in the world. Shooting Chipmunks? Barry had a .22 in the moments when Suzanne ceased the communicate with everyone she loved in the world. (See: https://www.reddit.com/SuzanneMorphew/comments/17lfboz/barry_and_the_chipmunks_aa_excerpts/ )
May 09, 14:46 – Libler messages: “Hey … your weather looks great” Second unread. No response from Suzanne.
May 09, 14:47 – Jeff sends another messages to Suzanne with no response. Third unread. Jeff sends last message if the day to Suzanne with no response.
May 09, 16:00 – 17:30 – Defense says Barry was at Salida Stove and Spa Salida Stove and Spa's posted hours have the store closing at 2pm on Saturday. Telematics show Barry's truck in his garage during the time he was supposedly at Salida Stove and Spa.
May 09, 16:44 – Barry parks his truck in the garage. Barry claims to have been loading his truck and cleaning off his workbench. (See: https://www.google.com/maps/d/edit?hl=en&mid=1FSqlFRrywR8FkytAYkNM-bdSxvKVK5MP&ll=39.173623131314%2C-105.63244&z=8)
May 09, 17:33 – Barry’s truck system manually rebooted Barry attempted to disable the trucks GPS and SYNC features.
May 09, 18:40, 18:46 – SO sends two Snapchats to Suzanne that were never opened SO sends two Snapchats to Suzanne that were never opened
May 09, 21:25 – Barry’s truck goes into reverse, backs 96.8 feet down driveway Barry backs 96 feet out of the garage.
May 09, 22:17 – Barry’s Phone Exits out of Airplane Mode Barry's phone comes out of airplane mode at the Morphew residence.
May 10, 02:53 – Outgoing call on Suzanne’s phone Possible glitch.
May 10, 03:25 – 03:48 – Barry’s truck door opened and closed "SA Hoyland noted over eighty events involving the F350 during this timeframe."
May 10, 03:58 – Barry’s phone moves from home to near where Suzanne’s bike found 3:58 am BM cell moves from home to near 225/50 where bike found Carol McKinley PH Tweets (read from bottom tweet up): 431 am 5/10 Barry’s phone goes back into airplane mode at the his home. 5:37 am – morphew turns into buena vista & heads towards broomfield. 538 he texts his mom “happy ... Read more
May 10, 04:10 – 04:23 – Last Activity from Suzanne’s iPhone Sergeant Mullenax asked dispatch to ping the number given for Suzanne’s cell phone. Dispatch informed Mullenax that the cell phone appeared to be off and last known activity was at 4:23AM on the present date, with a general location about 11.5 miles west of a cell tower in Poncha Springs, CO.
May 10, 04:32 – Barry’s Phone Goes Back into Airplane Mode Barry's Phone Goes Back into Airplane Mode
May 10, 04:32 – 05:14 – Chasing Elk, or Staging Evidence? Barry's trip to Garfield adds an approximate five miles each way to his morning trip, and places Barry and his vehicle in the direction the helmet was discarded - west from the bicycle.
May 10, 05:00 – Morgan Gentile Hears Barry’s Truck on Hwy 50 Gentile stated she did not see the truck but that his truck has a very distinctive exhaust.
May 10, 05:14 – 06:56 – Barry on the road to Broomfield. Barry phone exits airplane mode while heading towards Buena Vista, CO.
May 10, 08:10 – Trash Dump #1 – RTD Bus Stop Hwy 36 Agent Grusing: "Yes. He would have time -- with the passenger door opening and closing -- like it would say passenger door opened at 8:10:36 am and then passenger door closed at 8:12:13 am. So it took about a minute and a half and that trash can is only 10 to 15 steps away from where the truck was parked."
May 10, 08:14 – 08:20 Holiday Inn Express, Broomfield. Trash Dump #2 Grusing: "He said he parked there because he hoped someone would come out and he could go in the hotel before checking in and get a free breakfast." (Note: It was mid-COVID lockdown, building capacities were down to single digits.)
May 10, 08:41 – 08:46 – “I made it to Broomfield call me when you get a chance” Barry texts Suzanne.
May 10, 08:46 – Barry carries items into the Holiday Inn Express “If there’s clothes in my truck, there was probably old clothes I threw away.”
May 10, 10:06 – Barry exits hotel room. He's carrying a charcoal long-sleeved shirt, two white bags, and a pair of boots.
May 10, 10:20 – 10:41 – McDonald’s – Trash Dump #3 SA Grusing said Barry had a small item in his hand and used one arm to push it down, then both to push it further down as Barry was shown the photos.
May 10, 10:47 – 11:18 – Men’s Wearhouse Trash Dump #4 Barry was told he was there for about 40 minutes and asked if he remembered what he was doing there. Barry said, “I think I was still cleaning my truck, umm, yeah, yeah I mean, like I said, I just uh, I would, I was probably getting crap out of my truck like I said, which I’ve done my whole entire life.”
May 10, 11:18 – Barry calls MG "Barry called he was out of breathe (sic) panting but fatigue, kind a like hungover but he doesn’t drink, honestly when I hung up I thought to myself he sounded like he had the worst night of his life.” - MG
May 10, 11:23 – 11:36 – Barry back at the HIE Barry carries in disorganized papers in a binder. Carries out an organized binder.
May 10, 11:57 – 12:25 – Barry at the worksite Barry spent 28 minutes removing a few blocks from the wall.
May 10, 12:28 – 12:41 – HIE Trash Dump #5 A camera recorded Barry throwing away: a small item, one white trash bag, larger in size than the previous bags in one hand, a black container, along with a piece of clothing, possibly a camouflage coat.
May 10, 12:42 – 18:03 – Barry remains in his HIE room. ”At 3:30PM, Barry sent an outgoing message to Suzanne 'Call me'"
May 10, 2020 (Time Unknown) – Libler wishes Suzanne a Happy Mother’s Day Commented that it would be a hard day because she missed her own mother.
May 10, 2020 – 15:30 – Barry texts Suzanne from his hotel room. At 3:30PM, Barry sent an outgoing message to Suzanne “Call me”
May 10, 15:50 – 17:45 – Suzanne is discovered “missing” “I’m just so sad and REDCATED and I texted mom for Mother’s Day and she still hasn’t answered and I’m scared her and dad probably got in a big fight and I don’t even know it just made me want to be gone even more because I don’t want to be around them it hurts me and I know if REDACTED is working I might have to be home a lot more and it’ll probably be the worst summer of my life.”- MM2 text.
May 10, 17:55 – 19:10 – Barry leaving Broomfield 6:10 pm - Barry entered the lobby carrying two shovels and placed them beside the front desk. He made subsequent trips, placing more tools in the same spot.
May 10, 19:31 – Chaffee County finds the bike “Something is up with the front tire,” Deputy Brown
May 10, 20:42 – Barry arrives at CR 255 & US 50 "Barry is heard asking if deputies saw any “cats” on the road and a deputy says not recently."
May 10, 21:37 – CCSO Commander Avila brings Barry into the house for scent items. Barry does not call out or look for his wife in the home.
May 10, After 21:47 – Barefoot prints in the Bobcat Bucket Deputy Brown was walking in the driveway when Deputy Defurio told him that there were barefoot marks inside of the bucket on the Bobcat. Deputy Brown went with him to examine and found that the cutting blade on the bucket of the Bobcat appeared to be newly replaced, along with the nuts and bolts.
May 10, 22:00 – MG and JP smell chlorine and have the wrong tools in Broomfield. “It looked like Barry had removed top caps that was it. We also did not have the tools we need like a packer or gravel.”
May 11, 2020 – First Interviews, Puma Path Searched "On May 11, 2020, at about 7:00AM, Barry called Morgan and said that Suzanne was missing and he thought a mountain lion may have attacked her. Morgan explained that Barry was initially crying but then abruptly shifted to the specifics about the Broomfield job."
May 11, 2020 – 14:47 – Libler sends last message to Suzanne. Wishing her well for her scheduled final cancer treatment that day.
May 12, 2020 – 20:00 – Barry found digging in the trash at Poncha Market “He went to write down a description of maybe what she was wearing,” Butala said. “I just thought it was weird because he didn’t explain what the color of her eyes were or her hair or anything about her, like how tall she was or anything.”
May 13, 2020 – Deputy Carricato took photos of scratches on Barry’s left arm and hands. These injuries appeared to be healing, several days old scratches.
May 13, 2020 – Fundraiser created $33,552 raised
May 17, 2020 – 11:13 – Barry’s “plea” video is released on Facebook. “Oh Suzanne, if anyone is out there and can hear this, that has you, please, we’ll do whatever it takes to bring you back. We love you, we miss you, your girls need you. No questions asked, however much they want – I will do whatever it takes to get you back. Honey, I love you, I want you back so bad.”
May 19, 2020 – Interviews, Pneu-Darts, Range Rovers "CCSO Deputy Scott Himschoot was present during the search at 19057 Puma Path, in the laundry room, and was asked to collect a “pneu-dart box, empty,” one plastic hypodermic cover, one Pneu-dart book from safe in garage, one dart from box under bench in garage, among other items. The plastic cover was located by evidence search teams in the dryer, inside of the sheets belonging to REDACTED bed." (At some point we had confirmation of a to-do list Suzanne left including MM1s bedding in hopes that the older girls would spend the night. Cannot remember the source.)
May 20, 2020 – Spy Pen found. "The pen was located in a cloth bin amongst women’s bras. The cloth bin and pen were inside the walk-in closet in the master bedroom, located on the ground level of the residence. Detective Hysjulien located, with the pen, the controller and headphones for playback and a USB cable."
June 1, 2020 – Barry files for guardianship. Within a month of Suzanne’s disappearance, Barry began to liquidate assets.
June 1, 2020 – TD interviews Barry on camera. "So, uh -- we uh --. We had two daughters that were coming home from a trip. And I got a job in Denver that I wanted to get started on on Sunday. Set it up for my work because my rookies are coming in Sunday night. (Unintelligible) Monday but I, being the owner, I wanted to get everything lined up so that (Unintelligible).
June 6, 2020 – Barry closes on IN home. Pockets $750,000
June 25, 2020 – Barry purchases the Longhorn Ranch property for $165,000 Property Address 8366 LONGHORN DR
July 13, 2020 – Barry sells Suzanne’s Range Rover. Leaves Suzanne's sunglasses in the car.
Aug 20, 2020 – Lauren Scharf Interviews Barry “People don’t know the truth, so they’re gonna think what they’re gonna think.”
October 05, 2020 – Barry lists Puma Path home for sale. Originally listed for $1,759,000.
November 2020 – Barry Commits Voter Fraud Barry filled out Suzanne's ballot and mailed it in.
February 17, 2021 – Barry Sells Longhorn Ranch property for $150,000 A $15,000 loss. Same property sold on 04/21/2021 for $175,000, indicating Barry needed the money fast.
March 3, 2021 – 19057 Puma Path sells for $1,625,000. Barry and Suzanne Morphew purchased the home on April 12, 2018 for $1,575,000.
May 4, 2021 – Warrant Issued for the Arrest of Barry Lee Morphew CRS/CHARGE: 18-3-102 (1), (a) Murder in the First Degree, a class 1 Felony, 18-8-610. Tampering with Physical Evidence, a class 6 felony, 18-8-306, Attempt to Influence a Public Servant, a class 4 Felony.
May 5, 2021 – 09:15 – Barry Lee Morphew Arrested for the murder of Suzanne Renee Moorman Morphew "Morphew was arrested around 9:15 a.m. on Wednesday, May 5 near his home in Poncha Springs. FOX31 News has obtained video of the arrest, which shows his truck stopped on the side of the road near several police vehicles. He can be seen standing just off the road with an officer." AA: https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21065843-21cr78-morphew-redacted-affidavit
August 9-12, 2021 – Preliminary Hearing. Day One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15wZ86C3zQ6kh9VGOUCJcr0ipCoFeaXkdowmwyaruiIQ/edit?usp=drive_link
Day Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QKa1jcH2dAqe9Wezew-KbLCDuicrm1HgfwC4oGwM8Dg/edit?usp=drive_link
Day Three got corrupted so it's gone.
People's exhibit images: https://imgur.com/a/hgvlBUt Defense exhibit images: https://imgur.com/a/VC3ZfUZ
April 19, 2022 - Case against Barry Morphew Dismissed Without Prejudice. Prosecution asked for the case to be dismissed.
May 2, 2023 – Barry files $15,000,000 lawsuit against Chaffee County, et.al. https://www.9news.com/article/news/local/barry-morphew-lawsuit/73-3cea50c2-cdae-4338-8de9-9e113d33db6c
May 8, 2023 – Fraud Lawsuit filed against Barry in Indiana. Property dispute. https://denvergazette.com/news/courts/barry-morphew-sued-fraud-allegations-land-dispute/article_1c7cd90e-f4f5-11ed-9778-47c9c303d16d.html
September 22, 2023 – Suzanne's Remains Found Near Moffat in Saguache County While SCSO was searching for another (unrelated) missing woman. https://www.cbsnews.com/colorado/news/suzanne-morphew-remains-found-colorado-missing-mother-barry-chaffee-county-disappearance/
Sept. 27, 2023 – Autopsy Completed. Awaiting Toxicology. https://cbi.colorado.gov/news-article/suzanne-morphew-autopsy-results-cbi-update-0https://www.cbsnews.com/colorado/news/autopsy-complete-remains-missing-colorado-mom-suzanne-morphew/
April 29, 2024 – Toxicology finds BAM in Suzanne's bone marrow. “Homicide by undetermined means in the setting of butorphanol, azaperone, and medetomidine intoxication.” https://www.scribd.com/document/727780041/Suzanne-Morphew-autopsy-results https://www.cpr.org/2024/04/29/suzanne-morphew-died-by-homicide-with-tranquilizer-chemicals-present-in-body-according-to-autopsy-report/
Complete Case Overview (Official News Reports and Documents)
What Suzanne Left Behind (PH Exhibits)
Suzanne's Texts with SO Sept 2019
Barry's Unstableness: Suzanne's Text Conversion with SO September 1 (PH Exhibits)
Where was Barry on the 9th - Preliminary Hearing Exhibits
Barry and the Chipmunks (AA Excerpts)
Barry's dirty truck and poorly maintained rifle. PH Exhibits
Suzanne's Last Days - Timeline - May 4th - May 9th, 2020
Barry Buries a Body - May 10th, 2020 - Timeline
Barry Busy in Broomfield Part One (Preliminary Hearing Exhibits)
Barry Busy in Broomfield Part Two (PH Exhibits)

Cigarettes and rebellion have always gone hand-in-hand, and in an age of cigarette packet-sized health warnings, now more than ever, smoking a fag says: 'I do not give a fuck.' But if Brandon Flowers is hoping to strike a seditious pose by sparking up at the start of the interview, it's not going according to plan. The Killers' frontman is on all fours rooting through the junk that carpets the anteroom at the band's rehearsal space. "Has anyone seen my lighter?" he asks, rocking back on his heels. The question hangs in the air while Brandon cocks his head, waiting for an answer like a meerkat listening for a predator. Twenty-five years old and with a delicate bone structure, there's something almost dainty about him. Receiving no response, he returns to his search. "Oh, Jeez," he sighs. "I had it just a minute ago."
It's a scene that emphatically does not suggest a rebel without a cause. The mess isn't helping. The Killers' HQ - an industrial unit sandwiched between a construction supplier and the offices of a housing development just off Dean Martin Drive in West Las Vegas - is ankle-deep in designer clothing. A Dior Homme suit lies crumpled by the door; there's a pile of shoes topped like a sundae by a pair of Marc Jacobs trainers; and anyone wishing to enter the shoebox room the band use as an office must negotiate a mountain of discarded jeans. Many items are identifiable as coming from the wardrobe of Hot Fuss, The Killers' hugely successful 2004 debut album - triple platinum in the UK with two weeks at Number One and five million sold worldwide. Look! There are the shirts, ties and suit jackets they wore when they thrilled Glastonbury 2005 with indie rock anthems Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me. That was the crowning moment of a two-and-a-half year tour that finally concluded in October of last year. It seems that after playing that final date in Miami, they returned to Vegas and shrugged off their image onto the floor of this bland white box.
Now a fine layer of dust covers the dead clothes. The Killers have no further use for white tuxedos on their second album, Sam's Town. Today, Brandon wears a black polo shirt, black pin-stripe waistcoat, black jeans and black boots. Where there used to be a layer of foundation, there is now a beard - an untrimmed beard at that. Dave Keuning (30, guitar), Mark Stoermer (29, bass) and Ronnie Vannucci (29, drums) all echo Brandon's black ensemble. Ronnie has added Aviator shades and a handlebar moustache for a dash of motorcycle cop, Dave's frizzy bubble of hair gives him a Marc Bolan-ish air, and there's something very teenage about Mark's scuffed Vans.
Short of walking around wearing sandwich boards saying, "Our new record is a bit heavier than the last one," The Killers couldn't hope to communicate that message more effectively. And they have gained some musical girth on Sam's Town. The pop hooks that made Hot Fuss so irresistible survive intact - see the ringing guitar riffs on first single When You Were Young - but there's a newfound punchiness, coupled with an epic sweep. The minor-to-major uplifts on Bones are fabulously dramatic, the coda to Why Do I Keep Counting? thrillingly intense. Comparisons to Bruce Springsteen have been made. If they overstate the case a little, they are at leaset qualitatively accurate. The Killers are back and this time it's serious - they've got the bootlace ties to prove it.
"Hey, it says here that Springsteen's headlining Glastonbury next year," shouts Ronnie, who's flicking through the NME. He nods sagely at the page without looking up.
"Really?" asks Dave, nicknamed Crazy Dave on account of his alledgedly volatile nature.
"The Boss is headlining one night, we're playing second on the bill the next night and Kylie's headlining the Sunday," says Brandon, charging like a bull through Michael Eavis' as-yet-unannounced line-up with what subsequently proves to be a characteristic gaucheness.
But that lighter is proving elusive. This being America, none of the people hurrying to-and-fro prepping the world for the release of Sam's Town smokes. Manager Robert Reynolds - Bobby Rey to the band - barks into his mobile, booking his band onto eye-wateringly demanding tours. "We're going to make a lot of money," he cackles to himself before switching calls to make a series of stern pronouncements on legal matters. Dave, Mark and Ronnie disappear for a jam session. Artwork is approved, B-sides are decided on and schedules are hammered out.
"I can't find it," Brandon says, finally. But he's not going to be denied the opportunity to underline The Killers reinvention with a puff of smoke. "Let's go to the gas station. I'll have to buy one. It's too busy to talk here anyway."
+
Brandon's black (of course) Volkswagen Touraeg four-wheel drive is barrelling down West Flamingo Road into town. "I was a bell boy there," he says, pointing out of the driver's window at the stucco facade of the Gold Coast casino. "I was working there when we were signed."
Coming from Las Vegas, it is perhaps inevitable that casinos play a big part in The Killers' story; not only is Sam's Town named after one, it was recorded in one, too.
The band began writing songs while on the road with Hot Fuss, turning up early for soundchecks to run through new ideas. On a trip home to Vegas, George Maloof, a hotelier known for cultivating famous friends, invited them to record the album in the new studio he'd built at The Palms, his flagship hotel-cum-gambling den. When the tour finished in October 2005, they returned to Vegas and spent five month finessing the songs they'd sketched out on the road. Then, in February, they decampled to the third floor studio at The Palms and recorded Sam's Town over 11 weeks.
Producer Flood (U2, Depeche Mode) encouraged them to experiment. They overdubbed, fiddled with synthesizers and played with new equipment. It took them five weeks to get the backing vocals right. The band sang the harmonies, then double-tracked them four times. The end result recalls Queen wondering, "Is this is the real life? Is this just fantasy?" When Ronnie, a trained classical percussionist, brought some kettledrums down, eyebrows were raised; but the fabulously bombastic coda on Why Do I Keep Counting? vindicates his indulgence.
"That's kind of the Ben Hur of the album," he says. He's not wrong. Sam's Town is a record on an epic scale. "Yeah, it has drama," he continues. "But, at the same time, I think it's a little more exposed than Hot Fuss. It's a little more naked. Last time it was about a lot of fictional things." By "fictional", Ronnie means that Hot Fuss wore its predominantly British influences for all to see. Brandon's taste in music is rabidly Anglophile - he constantly references The Smiths, The Cure and Joy Division - and it showed. By contrast, Sam's Town is an unequivocally American record. The lyrical imagery is pure American dream - cars, girls, wide-open spaces and escaping to a better life. "We're burning down the highway skyline/On the back of a hurricane that started turning/When you were young," sings Brandon on When You Were Young. That's the basis of the Springsteen comparisons then, though the lack of pathos more closely recalls another blue-collar rocker from New Jersey - Jon Bon Jovi.
The phrase "this town" recurs throughout the album, and it's always receding into the distance as The Killers escape to a new life. "This town was made for passing through/I never did get along with everybody else," sings Brandon on This River Is Wild. On Read My Mind he "never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town", while on the title track he offers something of an explanation: "Nobody ever had a dream round here."
"With the first record, there was this feeling that there was this world out there that we didn't know," says Mark later in the day. Before The Killers, he studied philosophy: now he's their quiet one. "We wanted to get out and away from this and be somewhere else. We hadn't had a lot of experience - hadn't travelled much - then we were gone for three years. We didn't sit down and say that we wanted to make a record about how we're glad to be home, but that's what happened naturally."
It's not an angsty record. The Killers have already escaped with Hot Fuss, and, having done so, they view the experience fondly now they're back. There's a mistiness to Brandon's eyes as he explains how the album got it's name.
"Sam's Town is a casino on the edge of Vegas," he says. "I grew up in Henderson, which is out on the way to the Hoover Dam. My mom and dad lived in a trailer park, and my dad used to hitchhike up and down Boulder Highway, which is the only way you could get to Vegas. Sam's Town was the first thing you saw on your way in to town. So, when you're driving down Boulder Highway from Henderson, I always thought you finally knew you were getting somewhere when you saw Sam's Town. It was kind of like a beacon."
"It's not a completely American album," contines Brandon. "We still have our English influence, but we're also from the Wild West. Somehow we've managed to unify all that on this album. it's just such a perfect resemblence of what we are."
At the petrol station, Brandon rummages through the glove box looking for change to buy a lighter. "This is a great album," he says, pointing at Highway Companion, the latest from iconic American rocker Tom Petty. "I've always been a big fan of his. He's such a great American artist."
Yes, Brandon: we get the point.
+
When Brandon finally lights his cigarette, he smokes it awkwardly, like a child mimicking something he's seen the grown-ups doing. However, when he cheerfully admits that, "I feel the same mentally as I did when I was 12," it's not a knowing nod to the fact that he sometimes behaves like a loveably precocious child, but a reference to an unusually comprehensive grounding in pop music at an early age.
When Brandon sings about "this town", he doesn't mean Las Vegas. He means Nephi, Utah or Henderson, Nevada, where he spent his childhood. His parents are Mormon and he is the youngest of six children. "I was a surprise," he says. "I've got a 42-year-old sister." If he was issues about his "surprise" status, he chooses to gloss over them. "It turned out perfect because my brother was a teenager when I was a kid," he says. "He would bring home things like Rattle And Hum by U2 and I would watch it. I remember he bought Live In Dallas by Morrissey. It was always him watching these things, or his door was shut and you'd hear The Head On The Door by The Cure blasting through the house and rattling the walls."
The Killers were formed when Brandon answered an advert Dave had placed in a local paper in late 2002. Dave cited Oasis as a big influence; Brandon had seen them play recently and responded; and, as Dave has said in previous interviews: "He was the only person to reply to my ad who wasn't a complete freak." However, the band was born in Brandon's brothers bedroom.
"His room was like a shrine," enthuses Brandon. "It was a holy place. I wish I could show you a picture of it. It was covered in posters. There'd be a big picture of Elvis wearing a bow tie that just said 'The Smiths' [the artwork for The Smiths 1987 single Shoplifters Of The World Unite]. You had The Cure wearing face paint [the artwork to The Cure's 1985 single In Between Days] - all that kind of stuff. I remember Morrissey being on the cover of the NME, with the halo [from 1985] - stuff like that. You just wanted to know about these people 'cause they were so cool. My brother seemed like such a cool person. But he was a teenager, so he wasn't going to be that nice to me, a kid."
Brandon was fascinated by his brother's collection of music, magazines and posters, but he was denied access to them - officially, at least. "I would sneak in," he says. "I knew he'd be angry if he found out, but I would go in as soon as he left the house." For a long time Brandon was too scared to actually play anything. "That didn't come 'til later. I just used to go in there because I liked it. Then I got to the point where I'd actually take a tape out and put it in. It took more guts to do that."
It was a life-changing moment. "I was ten and the first song I played was Sing Your Life by Morrissey. I remember dancing about to it."
The lyrics to Sing Your Life include the lines, "Sing your life/Just walk right up to the microphone/And name all the things that you love/All the things that you loathe." It's intriguing to wonder what Morrissey makes of the neophyte he inspired with these lines.
Eventually, Brandon inherited his brother's tape collection. "It was around the same time CDs started coming out in a big way. He started buying CDs and gave me his tapes. And that was it: it took off from there. I got a hundred of the best albums - all the New Order, all the Morrissey, all The Smiths, The Beatles. I started buying posters. I went to see The Cure in concert. It was just kind of a continuation of my brother. And it was nice because, though my parents were strict, they were already used to it from him. There was no, 'My dad doesn't understand me,' or any of that kind of stuff. My mum likes The Smiths."
Brandon was 13 and his favourite band was late-'70s/early-'80s American new wavers The Cars, and particularly their jaw-droppingly catchy 1979 single Just What I Needed.
"I wouldn't exist without that song," he says. "That was the one. I remember driving around with my mum when I was 13, and we're living in Nephi - a really small town - and I felt so cool when I put that song on. Like: 'I have something that none of these kids I'm going to middle school with tomorrow have.' That excitement is what music's about, isn't it? That's why I understand the mentality of people that don't like us because we've sold so many records. I used to like it when no one else knew about a band. So I get that - I do."
+
Brandon's first band was called Blush Response. It was never going to work out. Not because he refused to move to Los Angeles with them, but because he is utterly - comically - shameless. He's given to making outrageously boastful statements like: "It's not like the '60s, '70s and '80s now. There are only a few bands around that are really good, that just do it. I mean, there's what, five or six of us?"
For the record, in Brandon's estimation, those bands are Franz Ferdinand, Razorlight, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and, of course, The Killers.
"I don't want people to think I'm lumping myself with other people just to make us sound cool," he says. Really? It sort of sounds like you are. But he just steamrolls through it. "Yeah, but you know what I mean," he says, grinning at his own cheekiness. He's so disgracefully forward you can't help but laugh along with him - Oh you are awful, Brandon! But joking aside, The Killers are the most commercially successful of all the bands he mentions.
Later, back at the rehearsal space, the band run through Sam's Town at deafening volume in preparation for the forthcoming tour - first the US, then the world. The infectious, almost contagious, chorus of When You Were Young sounds fabulous, as do the U2-like guitars and Twin Peaks synths of Read My Mind. Meanwhile, Smile Like You Mean It and Somebody Told Me benefit from the newfound harder edge.
They somewhat heavy-handedly underline the new direction by playing Paranoid by Black Sabbath and Get It On by T Rex. That's the thing: The Killers are not a subtle band. Their songs are like a wet kiss from a girl who's a bit too drunk. They are big and brash, and not everyone loves them for it. Mr Brightside and Somebody Told Me might go down as well at hip nightclubs as they do on the festival circuit, but the DJs play them with the same guilty look they wear when playing a pop record.
"I hate that," says Brandon. "Like writing a song you can hum somehow cheapens it? It makes me think of this quote by Morrissey. Everybody knows how he read Oscar Wilde, Keats and Yates when he was growing up and that he wanted to be a writer. He was talking to this journalist who asked why he hadn't become a writer, and Morrissey said: 'What I do is more powerful than what you do because I can write down these words and you get it to a melody. How can you beat that?' I'm of the same opinion. I don't understand why a good melody that's memorable is a bad thing."
Being dismissed as pop particular aggrieves Ronnie. "When we first came out we got compared to Duran Duran all the time. Jesus Christ! We got a keyboard player now all of a sudden he's Nick Rhodes! Come on!"
"The people who criticise us for being too poppy don't get it," agrees Mark. "I think that's the problem with a lot of rock music. People are afraid to write a song any more. Either that or they can't. And that attitude hurts music in general. The best bands ever have all written great songs. You can still do it and do it intelligently and it can be original. This isn't a studio creation with a producer writing these songs for us. We're not Avril Lavigne, or something like that. We're a real band writing real songs, just like a punk band would do, except that we write pop songs."
You get the impression that The Killers knack for showboating pop hooks that border on vulgar is inextricably tied up with the brazen side of Brandon's personality. But while his ebullient charisma, not to mention the songs themselves, mitigates his outrageousness, there is a less attractive side to his ego. He has a combative streak. He can't resist taking pot shots at emo bands, notably Fall Out Boy, whith whom The Killers share an A&R man.
Has he heard how many emo kids it takes to change a light bulb? "No." None. They just sit in the dark and cry. It's a full 30 seconds before he stops laughing. When he does he admits: "Yeah, we've had problems with other bands. You know, when you walk in the room it's like..." He whistles the theme to The Good, The Bad And The Ugly. "We're like gangs."
And while the other members of the band are diplomatic on the subject of Brandon, you don't have to read too deeply between the lines to conclude that there have been internal issues, too.
"Some people will think Brandon's the big genius," says Dave, visibly bridling. "There are songs, such as Why Do I Keep Counting?, where he's written every note. But there are others, like When You Were Young, that were more of a collaboration - like Mr Brightside, where I had some of the music and Brandon came up with the lyrics. We always have arguments about who wrote what. The truth is that we all help in that process."
When asked how success affected them, Ronnie says: "There were certain things that needed adjusting. When you're on tour for two years, people can get a little needy. It doesn't help that you're surrounded by yes men and everybody's working for you. At times we've had to say, 'Who do you think you are?' to people. No one wears the trousers, but some people would like to. I think if it wasn't for the people in the band kicking each other in the ass... Let's just say there was some ass-kickin'."
It doesn't take a genius to work out whose ass needed kicking most often.
+
It's the following day and The Killers are back at their rehearsal space. The topic of discussion is what to wear in the video for Bones, the second single. It's a big deal: the director is Tim Burton. "I feel like Frank Sinatra when I sing it," announces Brandon. "With maybe a little bit of Morrissey and a little bit of Elvis, too."
Of course he does. But if securing the services of Tim Burton tells you one thing, it's that The Killers are about to get even bigger, perhaps even make the leap to the same level as Coldplay et al. Already stars, they are about to become superstars. Brandon can hardly wait.
"Do you know that Rolling Stone didn't want to put us on the cover last time," he says indignantly. "They didn't think we were stars. We sold five million albums! What more do they want from a band?"
Whatever was required, Brandon would be happy to do most things. "I'll do stuff that some people don't want to do, 'cause I want people to hear the music," he says. However, even he has limits. "The Rolling Stone thing made the record label think: 'What can we do to make them stars?' If I go on vacation with my wife, do they have to send somebody to be there to take pictures of me? Is that how you become a star? I don't want that. I walked down the red carpet one time and I realised I don't like it. But you don't have to walk down the red carpet for people to hear your music. We do still have some of that indie blood running through our veins."
He heads off at a tangent: "When you walk around Liverpool, you think of The Beatles, or you go to Manchester and you think of The Smiths or Oasis. I want you to come to Las Vegas and think of Sam's Town. And I think we've started to capture that, which is a truer version of The Killers, 'cause that's where we're from."
He pauses.
"I used to live across the street from Sam's Town. Maybe it'll be like our Abbey Road where people go to take pictures."
Is that what he'd like?
"I wouldn't mind it," he says, desperately hoping it will come true.
He puts a cigarette between his lips, looks down at his trouser pockets and pats them in search of the lighter he bought yesterday.
"Hey, I don't suppose you've got one?"

Part 1
Chicago, 2016. Flinn Gerald is doing his best to make it in the city. Born in Selma, Alabama, he has spent his entire life trying to escape the ever tightening grasp of his small town. But alas, he made it out and is adapting to life in the big city. With a big fancy corporate job, an endless supply of friends, an apartment with a stunning view of the lake, and great distance from his family, what more could he need? Well, there is a lot more (or less) that he needs, but of course that is a story for later.
On a typical Tuesday night at a bar, the regulars crowd in. Flinn is late, as usual, as he stayed late at work (again), but on his arrival, the cheers and hugs from all the friends make everyone forget of the regular inconvenience. Conversation ensued, starting with all the boring finance jargon, but as the drinks flowed, so did the conversation, moving away from work and more into life. This is what everyone preferred.
“Another round, anyone?” asked Raheem, enthusiastically. After a murmur of concurrence, he stood up to make his way up to the bar. “Flinn, care to lend a hand?”
Raheem Bartlett was Flinn’s college roommate and the first person he met outside of his hometown. The pair hit it off instantly despite having wildly different backgrounds. Even in their freshman year, the engineer and the finance major would get into all sorts of trouble together, but eventually they leveled out. Six years later, they still have each other’s backs just like day one.
The pair made their way up to the bar and waited to get the bartender's attention. “What's up with you, bro?” asked Raheem. “You’ve been seeming a bit off.”
“Oh, ya know. Work, life, everything kinda happens so fast. Work has been busy as of late, and the hours long.”
Seeming displeased by this answer, Raheem stared back in concern.
“Really, I’m fine… just long hours.”
“Back in school you’d pull back to back all-nighters and then still make it to a morning class. I find it hard to believe that the mighty Flinn would be so setback by ‘long hours’.”
Flinn took a moment to ponder, staring down at the bar covered in various stamps and postcards beneath the epoxy surface. “I guess, ya know, it's not all it was cracked up to be. I guess I had expected more.” Flinn had mostly dropped his accent, but occasionally it would still slip out.
Despite coming from a long line of mill workers (mostly paper) and farm hands who never ventured further than the Dallas county line, Flinn yearned to leave his small town and conquer the world from a young age. Coming from the poorest county in Alabama, his family always squashed his dreams, labeling them as impossible. But Flinn knew better. Or, at least he knew he could do better. Graduating top of his class a year early and winning a full-ride scholarship to Northwestern University, he had proved everyone wrong and set his own path. The path he was told was impossible became his reality.
“More what?”
“Nothing, really. I mean, what more is there? This is what I always wanted, right? The stable job in the city, never having to worry about money. It’s great, and I couldn’t be more grateful, but… something is missing. Doing the same thing day after day staring at a screen, moving clients money around. I… just hoped it would be more fulfilling, especially after all it took to get here.”
Before he could finish his thought, the bartender came up to take their order: another round for the table, plus a round of shots, plus two more shots.
“What am I saying, really?” added Flinn. “I shouldn’t be complaining. Look at where I am now compared to six years ago. So much has changed. My home, friends, even my diet. I just feel a bit off. Like I need something more to do..
“I get it, bro. Adjusting to your new life can be rough. Enjoy it for a minute or two.” Raheem slides a shot in front of Flinn. “Here, take this.”
Tuesday had become fairly consistent to this point for this group of misfits: Raheem and his girlfriend Amy; Jack; Jasper, from Flinn’s firm, and his wife Max; and of course, Flinn. For nearly two years, these six have been meeting at O’Malley’s every Tuesday night for drinks and trivia. Some nights are more wild than others, but Tuesday has become the staple of the week among them.
Drinks flowed pretty regularly and heavy over the next few hours as the clock approached the end of day. Still going round for round on alternating tabs, the useless debates began to heat up.
“You can’t seriously think Wicker Park is the best neighborhood outside the Loop. Y’all need to get out more,” said Flinn.
“Bro it’s obviously Wicker Park,” argued Raheem.” Right on the blue line, getting to O’Hare is insanely easy, plus you can’t find better music in the city. Besides, Wicker Park has Davenport’s.”
“No one ever says Wicker Park,” adds Jack. “Have you ever heard someone say Wicker Park before?”
“Dude, but you can obviously get to O’Hare from anywhere in the city,” said Flinn
“Sure, but beats walking through that dumb Block 37 Center transfer like you and your red line. No transfer is the way to go, plus the blue line gets you right to the center of the loop.”
“So does every other L line as long as ya don’t mind walking a few blocks!”
“You’re both wrong,” adds Max. “Neither matters because Midway is better anyways.”
“Woah!” the whole table murmurs, sharing shocked looks as if she just confessed to a crime. Flinn rolled his eyes at this notion.
“Who flies out of Midway?” asks Raheem.
“What? Less people, cheaper flights, and more space. Why wouldn’t I fly out of Midway?” said Max.
“Wait, wait, that aside,” interrupts Raheem, “can we go back to the fact that Jasper thinks Sheffield is the best neighborhood? I feel like we moved past that too quickly.”
The debate rages on for many more minutes, until Flinn, seemingly out of nowhere, had enough.
“Can y’all just shut the fuck up! Why does it even matter?” Everyone’s glance quickly shot over to Flinn as a deafening silence overtook the table. Everyone pondered how to respond, and couldn’t seem to find an answer. This behavior from Flinn was unexpected, nay, unheard of. Flinn was the most level headed amongst them by far. Not even Raheem, his best friend of six years, had ever seen him get angry, let alone over an inconsequential friendly argument. “I…” Not even Flinn knew what to say next. “I’m going to go home. Long day tomorrow.” Already on his feet, he quickly walked away from the table and out the door.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The walk home was fairly brisk, but Flinn had grown fond of the cold. He tucked his hands into his coat pocket and hunched his shoulders forward, only looking down at the pavement ignoring the mostly asleep but still wide awake city surrounding him. His thoughts ran wild and near out of control. Of course, his intoxication did not help with clarity, but the inner dialogue was deafening. Not even he knew what was bothering him, but he was obviously bothered, deeply. He made a fool of himself in a way he never had before, and right now he felt he did not recognize himself. Surely some sleep will help, right?
He slowly made his way down the steps to the platform, carefully watching each step as to not fall, to wait for his train. He posted up against a pillar and stared off onto the dark, empty tracks. What has gotten into me? He did his best to calm his racing, wasted mind searching for some legibility amongst his thoughts.
Once he finally got home, he slumped down on the couch and scarfed down some week-old sushi he found in the fridge. He turned on some old documentary and was asleep before he knew it.
Suddenly, he was woken up by his phone ringing. It usually does not ring this time of night and was less than thrilled to be woken, so he let it keep ringing. It stopped after a couple of seconds, and he glanced down at the screen:
Mama
(2) missed calls
Dad
(1) missed call
Now concerned, he calls his mom back in a hurry. “Hello?”
“Flinn? Your grandfather, he’s dead.”
Part 2
The wet air engulfed Flinn’s face as he stepped out the airport doors into a warm February day. Six years had passed since he smelled the Alabama air. Even after all this time, it still smells just as he had remembered as if not even a day had passed. The drive to Selma was another ninety minutes, and despite having five days to mentally prepare himself for his arrival, it was not nearly enough time. He had not seen or spoken to anyone from his town, not even family, since he left early that August morning all those years ago. He left everything behind to start his new life. The life so many told him to not start, that he needed to stay. He left anyway and never looked back.
That was, until now. He had little choice in this regard. He knew he would have to make his return someday, but he knew not when nor for what. But today was that day. Flinn and his grandfather (Pops) had always been close. If anyone had been supportive of him, it’d have been Pops, but he was a man of little words. Even when he could talk, he hardly chose to. He was a great listener, and not just because he could not speak. He showed he was engaged and listening no matter what Flinn had to say. At times, he felt Pops was the only one who understood him as if he had been just like him before, but no one would ever talk about his past. All Flinn knew is Pops lost his tongue after a failed lynching.
The familiarity of the scenery zipping past was bittersweet. He had not realized how much he missed the rolling hills and thick forests beneath the unforgiving southern sky. He kept his head pressed against the cool glass of the car window even through the constant bumps in the road. He couldn’t look away. So many memories happened here, and the closer he got, the more plentiful the memories became, and the more potent they were, and the more painful they’d become.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the dust settled behind him, he stood on the driveway staring at his childhood home still unsure how to process his emotions. It was all so overwhelming. He was thinking everything at once. He took a deep breath, rolled back his shoulders, and swallowed. He reached for the door handle, hesitating slightly, and took a step in. One foot, and then the next.
“Martin!” Flinn smiled as his old friend and childhood dog rushed towards him without hesitation. He knelt down and embraced him as Martin excitedly rustled through his arms seemingly showing more energy than he had in years.
He walked down the hall and around the corner into the living room. There, both drawn to the large television like moths to a flame, he saw his parents sitting beside one another on the couch watching some daytime program with their backs to him. They seemed to pay no notice to the commotion at the front door nor the loud creaking footsteps he took along the old wooden floors. They knew he was there; they just chose to ignore him. He walked into view to greet them. "Mama, dad." His father smiled slightly but caught himself and refrained.
Mama kept a straight face, but seemed to be fighting tears."Howard, help Flinn with his bags, dear."
“No, it's alright, I know where to take them,” said Flinn. “How are y’all?”
“Service is tomorrow at eleven down at the ole First Baptist Church. Make sure to wear something nice.”
“Alright, mama. I’ll... I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Whole family is coming tonight. Dinner is served at...”
“At seven, I got it, just as always.”
“It’s good to see you, kid.” said his dad. “Let me know if you need anything”
He did not expect things to go like that, not that he knew what to expect. He had hoped time would have been more forgiving. Perhaps leaving unannounced in the middle of the night was not the best plan, but at the time he felt as if he had no other choice. Everyone knew he was leaving. That was no secret and had not been for years before any plan had actually been set into motion. No one knew the date or time, except for Pops, of course, but he’d never tell. Of course he wanted everyone to know. He wanted everyone to be proud of him, but it was too big of a risk and commendations were too much to expect. Besides, Mama always had her schemes, and had she known, she would have found a way to stop him.
Not much had changed since he’d been here last. The old wood paneling still lined nearly all the walls, crack in some spots, replaced in others, but all coated by decades of cigarette soot. On the walls were a combination of family portraits from over the years and cheap artwork found at the flea market. Old green furniture, too many house plants to count, and a tacky themed kitchen, it was all still the same.
His childhood bedroom, however, was much different. Hardly even recognizable, what was once his bedroom was now a storage room filled with endless shelves and boxes. He set his things on the lonely cot in the corner, sat down, and took it all in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not realizing he had drifted off, Flinn awoke and looked at the clock. 6:55. Convenient. He sat up and brushed his hair down with his hand as he suspected it was sticking up in the usual way. He rubbed his eyes and made his way to the dining room. The whole family was there, probably about twenty people or so, all scattered about throughout the kitchen, dining room, and living room engaged in various conversations. His nana, aunt, and Mama were cooking away putting the final touches on the large meal.
“Well if it isn’t this fucker…” said a familiar voice to his left, laughing. Flinn looked over to see his cousin who’s just a year younger than him.
“DeAndre, how are you?”
“Never thought I’d see you again, even since you left. Thought maybe you ‘ood be dead.”
“Nah,” Flinn laughed. “Still very much alive.”
“I can see dat. Wearin’ your fancy suit and all.”
“Yeah I’ve been doing pretty well. Work has been… good. I have a great job at a finance firm in Chicago. Everything has been… Good. Yeah, good. How about you?”
“Now you ain’t goin’ city on us, are you?”
Flinn laughed. “I think I might already be.”
Just as dinner was finishing up, a line started to form and people found a seat wherever they could, be it at the table, on the couch, near the counter, or outside.
“Flinn!” his dad called out. “I saved ya a seat here at the table, kid.”
Flinn took his seat right next to his dad which positioned him right across from Mama. The table could sit eight, and the seats filled in pretty quickly so he was lucky to get one. Besides his sister, all of the oldest family members took the other four chairs.
The dinner itself was mostly uneventful, except for the food of course which was extraordinary. Flinn had not eaten Mama’s cooking, or anything like it in six years. The southern food in Chicago was alright, but nothing like what you can get down here, and no restaurant is going to have the same quality and taste as a home-cooked meal. By God, he had not realized how much he needed this. It was almost healing, like a part of his soul had been lost and he found it once again. The last week had been incredibly overwhelming, and last Saturday he never foresaw being here now, but he was glad he was, regardless of the looming tension. All the stress from work and life back home in Chicago was now all gone. All he had to worry about was… oh yeah, the family drama. The dreaded interactions, what he had suppressed for so long, that had kept him up at night for years. All those long nights doing homework or anything else beside sleeping. They had not been by choice but rather necessity. He would have slept more if he could, and some of those nights he really needed to, but instead was kept motivated by the pain. The pain of knowing no matter what he did, no matter how successful in life he became, he would never be good enough for his family, good enough for Mama, because he left them.
If there ever was a time to clear his conscience and get everything out of the way, it would be today, or at least over the next couple of days. When else would he have the chance? Not that any of this had been planned, and his therapist would probably advise against it. She did not even know he was here. What would she have to say? Avoiding conflict has always been his choice. He has always been quiet, never been at the center of drama, but some things need to be said. Just, maybe not by him. If he waited long enough, perhaps they would come up on their own. So he decided to wait, but he knew time was limited and he could not wait forever.
“Mama, could you pass the butter?”
Mama just stared back at him. “Get ya own damn buttah, since ya can do everything else on ya own.”
Flinn stands up and reaches for the butter. “I can do everything myself, and I have. I hope you’re proud, Mama.”
“Proud? What do I have to be proud of?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe my job, my degree, everything I have been able to do to build a good life for myself.”
“I don hear anything worthy of praise.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mama.”
“Oh, so now you’re sorry? You could’ve fooled me. Is that how you felt when you left? Unbelievable.”
“I left because I had no other choice.”
“Oh don go lyin’ to me now. You did have a choice. You had a choice and you chose to leave us. You didn’t say goodbye, and you were just gone in the mornin’.”
“If I had not just left, you would’ve stopped me.”
“Cause you ain’t got no reason to go nowhere.”
“I had plenty of reasons to want to leave, and not because of you. I’ve always had dreams, Mama, ya know that. I’ve always been bigger than just this town.”
“Oh, so now you’re too good for us, city boy? Huh? I don wanna hear no more of it.”
“It wasn’t about that, Mama. Look at all I’ve been able to do.”
“I ain’t see nothin’. You never call and you never visit. How am I supposed to know what you been doin’?”
“I thought you didn’t want me coming around any more?”
“Well, you’ve got that right. Glad to see you still have some brains left.”
“Well excuse me. Maybe it's best if I leave again. Sorry I ain’t make you proud, Mama.” Flinn got up and left the table.
Part 3
Just as the early light began to peak through the blinds, Flinn was woken up by a firm knock at his door. “Flinn, may I come in? It's Uncle Terrence.”
Flinn sat up and rubbed his eyes. “Yep, come in.”
“How are you this morning, kid? Ya know, she’ll never admit it, but ya Mama missed ya.”
“I find it hard to believe.” Deep down Flinn knew it was true, but she was hard as a rock, and arrogant. She would always find a way to be right, even when she knew she was wrong, and she would never let you know she knew she was wrong.
“Well, we’re all proud of you, kid.” Flinn hated when Terrence and everyone called him kid. “Just wish yoo’d come around and see us every once in a while. I know ya busy with all the big city stuff and all.”
“I thought no one wanted anything to do with me any more?”
“At first, maybe, but I miss ya, kid. Ya know who missed ya most of all?”
“Pops?”
“Yes, of course. He always wanted to know about ya, every time I’d come round. He couldn’t call, but always wanted me to.”
“I should have called.”
“I think everyone wanted to call, but as time went on, it became harder and harder to push that button. It was already so hard at first, and only got harder.”
“I thought about everyone a lot, especially at first. Leaving was really hard, and I almost didn’t, but I always wanted more. I didn’t want to spend my whole life in this town, and if I had not left when I did I probably never would have. But it was still hard. I wanted to go home so many times, but I convinced myself no one wanted me here no more or that y’all would’ve said ‘I told ya so’ or sum bullshit. No one wanted me around any more and I had left, so I was stuck on the path I chose. And I’m happy, and I’ve done so much, but it’s never been easy.”
“Pops was a lot like you when he was your age. Set on leaving as quickly as he could. Things were different back then, not that they are any better now, but Hank... my brother… Pops, was just like you.”
“What changed?”
“Well, he never did. Just no one talks about it anymore. After what happened on that day, they blamed his behavior. Said he should’ve played it safe and he’d still have his tongue.”
“No one has ever told me the story.”
“And they won’t. It changed the whole family.”
“But you’ll tell me?”
“Only if you promise not to tell. I don need an earful from ya Mama.”
“I promise.”
“Hank couldn’t be confined to Selma, just like you. He joined the army right out of high school, and after he was done in Lebanon, he didn’t go straight home.”
“Where did he go?”
“Everywhere but here. He used the small amount of money he got from the army and went anywhere that would let him in. Across Europe, parts of Asia, Northern Africa, even parts of South America. Of course, a young black man traveling by himself at the time was challenging, but Hank could hold his own pretty well. He still ran into all sorts of trouble. He spent more nights in jail than he would have liked, but he would have done it all again if he could.”
“What happened when he got back?”
“He was much different, but for the better. He couldn’t wait to get back out there again. He had confidence like I had never seen before. That’s what got him in trouble not too long after.”
“How’d he lose his tongue? I’m guessing that is what changed everything.”
“When he got back, he got involved with a girl, I think her name was Susan. She was the mayor’s daughter. They snuck around for a while. Their relationship was not acceptable, especially to her father. If he found out, Hank would be in a lot of trouble, and of course eventually he did find out. He spent about a month in jail in just awful conditions even for the time. They didn’t have anything to hold him on so eventually they had to let him go. About a week after he got out, he was walking downtown and some guys grabbed him. He took him out to a field and tried to lynch him. Luckily, they failed and he survived, but they took his tongue as a warning. He was never the same after that. All of his confidence was gone, and of course he couldn’t speak no more.”
Flinn did not know how to respond. It all made sense now: why the family so desperately wanted him to stay, why they were so hurt by him leaving, and why they’d feared who he was becoming. They were all traumatized and wanted to protect him. They did not want him to suffer the same fate as Pops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The funeral itself was fairly uneventful and went nearly as perfectly as expected. The church filled in with hardly any empty seats, tears were shed, and speeches were given. Pops touched the lives of almost everyone he met, and they came to show it. After the service was the reception, and yet again, the food was spectacular. Everyone got along just fine today and there was no more residual drama, at least for now. Today was Pops’ day.
After the reception, the family gathered back at Mama’s house for the reading of the will. Pops did not have many possessions, at least not of monetary value, but what he did have was meaningful in other ways. He was very clear on who he wanted to give off, and handpicked what would be most substantial to each person.
Everyone gathered around much as they did at dinner, and the lawyer began his reading:
I, Hank Gerald, a resident in the City of Selma, County of Dallas, State of Alabama, being of sound mind, not acting under duress or undue influence, and fully understanding the nature and extent of all my property and of this disposition thereof, hereby make, publish, and declare this document to be my Last Will and Testament, and hereby absolutely revoke any and all other wills and amendments previously made by me.
The reading went on for some time as there were many beneficiaries. Flinn began to daydream about what could be left for him. Flinn was not a very sentimental person, so trinkets and heirlooms paid him little interest. Perhaps his car, or maybe money. Something that will be useful to him.
To my dear brother, Terrence, I leave my 1964 Pontiac GTO and all tools and parts associated and necessary with/for the running and upkeep of the vehicle.
The further down the list he went, less was given, but this is to be expected. As the end of the list neared, Flinn began to wonder what would be left for him if anything at all. The will had been in order of age, to this point, so he should be up soon.
To my Granddaughter, Nia,...
Nia? She's younger than me… Flinn thought.
I leave her my grandmother’s locket containing a picture of my Grandfather before he left for the Great War. She looked at it everyday to keep the memory of him alive until he eventually returned to her alive.
How could he skip me? Perhaps I should have called, or never left. Flinn got lost in his own thoughts and barely paid attention to the rest of the will. He and Pops were so close, and he never imagined he would be taken out of the will. But that is my own fault, afterall. I left, and I never even care to call. He died, and I never even said goodbye.
Just as Flinn began to accept the consequences of his actions, they got to the last beneficiary listed in the will:
Finally, to my oldest Grandson, Flinn, who is more and more like me than I ever could have wished to have been, I leave my journal. I hope whenever you need the motivation, you read it to find the meaning you are looking for in life.
Part 4
Flinn sat at his desk unable to focus. It was fairly slow for a Friday, but he still had work to do. After a chaotic weekend back home in Alabama, he was ready to settle back into his monotonous routine. The experience had been healing in some regards, but still left a lot unanswered. What did he mean by finding the meaning in life? Flinn wondered as he flipped through the endless pages of Pops’ journal, all filled with endless recounts, drawings, symbols, and pictures from his travels, just as he had since Monday. The journal consumed his whole attention, and nothing else seemed important enough to focus on. He had even ditched his friends all week which he never does.
He is supposed to meet Raheem for drinks tonight, but now he is wondering if he even wants to go. There is just too much in his head right now. He just wants to be alone. 12:37. The clock is moving too slowly. Flinn clears his calendar for the rest of the day and decides to go home.
At home, he still finds himself flipping through the pages of the journal, not even reading them but just looking at them. Again and again, he flips through until he has enough. He drops the journal on his lap and stares off into the distance at the gorgeous view of Lake Michigan. The endless city and skyline take up most of the horizon until it just stops, cut off by the endless ocean-like lake. He stares at it for quite a while until something catches his eye. He has seen this before. Well, of course he has. He lives here and this is his view everyday. But he knows he has seen it somewhere else.
He picks the journal back up and flips through in a hurry. There it is. He holds the journal up to the window to show a matching two-page drawing of this exact view. Well, not exact. It is a slightly different angle, but it was close enough. Pops was here. He would have loved visiting. I should have invited him. This made Flinn sad, and he threw the journal down on the table in frustration.
Just then, that is when he noticed it. There was a page sticking out from the journal, but it was not like the rest. The page was white and pristine, aside from a few wrinkles, as if it was new, whereas the rest of the journal showed its age. He rushed over to grab it. He opened it to find a letter, addressed to him:
Grandson, When you left, I knew that you would accomplish everything you set out to do. I also knew, however, you would find yourself lost someday, returning home for answers. I was hoping I’d be able to give you those answers myself, but as time goes on that seems less likely. I too found myself lost, and I knew not why. I had gone and seen the world, and it changed me, but I was still not fulfilled. I came home still looking for the answers, and it took a while, but eventually I did find them.
Through this journal, I hope to share my findings so that you too, when you are lost, find the answers you seek. Whenever you are ready, follow my journey and the clues I have left for you. Go out and see the world, just as I did. You will find that what you want from life is less than what you expect.
I hope the experiences you have are less harsh than my own, but still be careful. The world has changed a lot, but still not enough. But don’t skip ahead for the meaning may be lost. Take only one step at a time, and when it comes time to take the next step, it will reveal itself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seven o’clock rolls around and Flinn walks into the bar to meet Raheem. He hasn’t seen Raheem, or anyone else from the group, since last Tuesday when he had his outburst. He begins by telling the story of the events of this last weekend, but leaves out the parts about Pops’ past.
"Pops left me a hidden letter.”
“What do you mean?” asked Raheem.
“Like in his journal, I found a hidden letter. It was addressed to me.”
“What did it say, bro?”
“He says he was a lot like me when he was my age. He wants me to go where he went and learn what he did.”
“In Alabama?”
“No, everywhere but there. He wants me to start in Western Europe and follow his clues around the world.”
“He traveled?”
“A lot, apparently. I never knew. He was in the army, and after he got out, he traveled… everywhere, basically.”
“Why did no one tell you?”
“They wanted to keep me safe, I guess.
"They wanted to keep the whole family safe after what happened to him.”
“What do you mean, bro. What happened?”
“I can’t talk about it, but it doesn’t matter now anyways. I’m living a different life now.” Flinn never shared much about his past or his family with anyone, not even Raheem. It has always been a mystery. This was the most he had ever shared with him.
“Well, are you going to go?”
“No, I can’t. I have work. It took too much to get here. I can’t just give it away.”
“It’ll still be here when you get back, bro.”
“If only it was that simple.”
“It can be. You have money saved up. Chicago isn’t going anywhere. We’re not going anywhere. Plus, you’ve always talked about traveling more. Why don’t you take some time to do it.”
“I suppose, but I like my life here.”
“If you don’t do it now, when will you? You’ve taken a leap before, why not take another one. You’re smart, you’ll land on your feet, bro. Besides, your grandfather thought it was important enough to not only give you his journal, but hide you a letter for you to find when you needed it most. Maybe now is when you needed it most. You’re way too stressed at work anyways, and I can tell you’ve been off for a while now. Perhaps some change could give you what you need.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Monday morning, when Flinn gets to work, he walked straight to his boss's office. He turned in his letter of resignation.
Two weeks later, he took the red line to the blue line to O’Hare. Journal in hand, he boarded a flight to Dublin.

Although I have shared these very true stories with people in the past, it has only been through verbal communication. This is the first time that I've written (typed) them out, and actually seen them. I don't believe that I have a ton of insight into these experiences beyond what I'm telling you here, but happy to answer respectful questions. Maybe someday I'll get some regression therapy to see if there's anything that I may have hidden away in the corners of my mind, but I haven't yet. Anyway, enjoy!
I slowly, but also suddenly, regained awareness. I was standing in the middle of the bedroom with the lights on, my eyes already open, and no memory of how I physically came to be standing there. Despite this odd development, my brain was calm and quiet. Being forty-two at the time (2022), that detail was not too far out of the norm for me, after having practiced different Taoist meditation techniques ever since an especially difficult breakup in my early twenties. Because of this, my inner-monologue was generally within control; quiet when that was my intention and, aware and active when needed. Then, a voice that I did not recognize as my own, and all internally, spoke in a very clear manner the words:
“inter-dimensional being”.
Instantly, every cell in my body lit up with, what can only be described as, an electric energy. The hairs on my extremities stood up. It reminded me of the feeling right after a person sneezes, when their whole body tingles for a split second. But this, this was a far more intense and euphoric feeling. Just as quickly as the feeling came on, it ended.
I looked down, only to see my dog looking back up with what seemed to be a very confused look on her face. Before all this, the last thing I remembered was going through the process of falling asleep. How did I get here? I’ve never had a sleep-walking incident before. I had not drank, nor ingested any type of drugs that day. This really did not make much sense. I went to the night stand to check my phone for the time; 3am.
Laying back down, I tried to shake off the experience. My yellow lab jumped into bed, curled up next to me, and pressed her cold/wet nose against my hand; her gentle way of asking for some attention. Scratching her head, I took a deep breath and exhaled. This felt more normal, for sure. Due, in large part to my meditative practices, falling asleep was generally quite easy, and soon I drifted back off.
The next few days went by as usual; eat, gym, eat, work, eat, relax, repeat. Then, three days after that incident, something else happened. In the same manner as before, I regained awareness while just standing there, with my eyes already open. This time, I was outside on the back deck with a cup of coffee in my left hand. Again, I had zero recollection of any events leading up to this moment. I do not remember getting out of bed, walking down the stairs, making the coffee, unlocking and opening the heavy sliding glass door, or walking out to the deck railing. Also, similar to before, my brain was calm and quiet.
It was late summer in San Francisco, and Karl the fog was in my part of town. Although it was still dark, there was this beautiful predawn light starting to make an appearance. Just then, I noticed it. In the air, a few feet above the height of my own head and, between mine and the neighbors house that shared the back fence line with me; was this floating light. The shape was obscured by the fog, and the colors were only somewhat filtered. It had the same kind of color that pearls produce; looking like an off-white, but with short electrical bursts of pink, blue, green, purple, and yellow just kinda dancing there in the air. The light seemed to be slowly and silently drifting away from me, then eventually disappearing. This experience lasted maybe thirty seconds.
I didn't really know what to do. Again, my dog and I just looked at each other. Any dog owner knows that dogs staring at their owners is not unusual behavior by any means, but she just seemed terribly perplexed. I finished my coffee and got on with my day, because that was the only thing that I felt like I could do. There didn't seem to be any sense in getting all worked up over whatever had just happened. So, that's how that ended.
I’ve had two other strange experiences in my life, both happened prior to these that are described above. A few years before the previous experiences (possibly 2019) a friend and I were walking in San Francisco when I looked up, and below the top of the buildings was a cloud in the shape of a perfect triangle. It had straight lines, and sharp corners. I guess this could be some kind of anomalous cloud, that a person might only see once in a lifetime. But, I didn't think that clouds could produce perfect triangles. I pointed it out to my buddy, who is also interested in the phenomenon, and we commented on how odd it was. We got distracted by something, then when I looked back up, it was gone. Just, gone. So, we went on about our day.
And, the final story goes way back in my life. I was possibly 7 or 8 years old at this point (1987ish). My dad and I were taking a road trip out from Dallas to see his sister in Los Angeles. One evening, it was getting close to dark, and we were somewhere in an arid landscape. I was far too young to know where we were. It could have been Arizona, or maybe New Mexico.
I remember there being this large mountain north of the freeway we were using. This mountain was flat on top, mostly circular, and it had a large crescent moon shape cut out of it. As I was staring at this mountain from the passenger window, I saw a bright light come from behind the mountain. This light circled the entire mountain three times, then zoomed off and disappeared. I never said anything to my dad about it. So we just drove on.
*end*
Well, does anyone have any thoughts on any of this?
Cheers 🤙🏻

TLDR at the bottom.
My older sister [mid 30s] was diagnosed with brain cancer about 9 months ago. She lived on the other side of the country at the time of her diagnosis, but she moved back home with my mom (about 3-4 hours from where I live) to begin treatment. She had a baseball-sized tumor on her brain stem, so she immediately had surgery to try and remove the bulk of it, followed by radiation therapy a couple months later.
At first I was really conflicted about the whole situation because I do not have a good relationship with my sister - prior to her diagnosis I had not spoken to her in 3 years. I was sexually abused for most of my childhood (for which she is indirectly responsible for), and the last time we spoke she told me that I should forgive my abuser because “he had needs.”
Anyway, after my sister moved back home my mom kept guilting me to visit. I saw her a couple of times in the last 9 months, but it really just solidified how little I cared. My mom keeps including me in these massive group texts that includes everybody and their mother and it really annoys me. She writes these huge novels with details nobody asked for like:

”sister feeling weak and nauseous, so we decided to go to the hospital. We arrived at hospital at 8:34am. We ate peanuts in the waiting room while waiting for the doctor. We were anxious to be seen…”

These novels are then followed by a million “prayers” “I hope she feels better” etc which just blows up my phone. I’ve asked my mom repeatedly to remove me from these group chats but she still includes me, saying things like “you don’t care about your sister?”
On top of that, both my sister and my mom are in denial about how dire her situation is. My sister is going to die. It’s not a matter of if, but when. The only “good” news is that the tumor is relatively slow-growing, so there’s a good chance she could live another 10 years or so if she sticks to the treatment early on.
However every time they hear a negative prognosis, they just say the doctor is being a “Debbie downer” and basically ignores their advice. About a month ago my mom allowed my sister to move back across the country, just 3 weeks after finishing radiation therapy and 2 days after being discharged from the hospital (she was hospitalized after radiation because she did not respond well).
My sister lived alone prior to her diagnosis. She cannot drive or even eat without a feeding tube due to a loss of motor function from the tumor. All her doctors strongly advised against the move, saying she wasn’t strong enough and needed time to recover. She did it anyway and my mom paid for all the expenses and took time off work to help her move.
My dad was vehemently against the move and told both my mom and my sister that if she does this, he’s not going to help financially and he’s not going to fly out there when she inevitably needs help (my parents have been divorced for 25+ years).
Well surprise, 3 weeks after the move and my sister was already back in the hospital from the stress of it all. My mom keeps trying to guilt my dad into flying out to take care of her so she can take a break and go back home for work, but my dad put his foot down.
He told her that her guilt tripping isn’t going to work on him anymore, and reminded her that they both did this against the advice of everyone - including him and all the doctors - and she needs to come home. My mom got mad and basically started gaslighting my dad saying he was verbally abusing her for calling her out on her bullshit.
I’m just so sick of both my mom and my sister. They’re both idiots and I feel like they’ve fucked around and now they’re finding out. I don’t care what happens to her, I just want them both to leave me out of it.
TLDR: My sister has brain cancer but I don’t care because she was indirectly responsible for the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. My mom keeps trying to guilt me into caring but I don’t. My mom is also in denial about the severity of her condition and enables my sister to make stupid decisions that puts her back in the hospital and then looks to everyone for help and sympathy. I feel like both my sister and my mom are finally feeling the consequences of their actions and I just want them to leave me out of it.

Having read a comprehensive book detailing the Hart Family/ Stampede Wrestling, as well as books by Bret Hart, Bruce Hart and Dynamite Kid, I can say it was great to hear from someone who was spoken about in all those books. It is fascinating to see all the intersecting points of view when it comes to anything Hart Family related.
Bret Hart book
Bruce Hart book
History of Stampede Wrestling book
History of the Hart Family as documented in various books
Dynamite Kid book
This book was short and a quick read, but you could tell it was written with honesty and truth. She doesn't shy away from her own mistakes and issues while detailing the own POV on a relationship where most people have only heard from Bret.
As always, it's done in chronological order. I hope you find it as interesting as I did...
Julie had a truly wild and horrific youth experience between being sent to juvenile detention centers and dealing with genuinely abusive step parents. She is honest and critical of her own behaviors as well and doesn't like the choices she made. I grew up in the area where she spent her teenage years, and I can confirm that the seedy ghetto areas of Saskatchewan are genuinely gross and terrifying places to be when you're young and directionless.
She talks about how she was r*ped while hitchhiking as a teenager and got pregnant. She gave the baby up for adoption and tried to press charges but got cold feet and ran to another neighboring city. She was afraid the man who assaulted her would escape the charges and come after her again. She was young and naively thought that if she had just switched towns, she could escape everything. When a cop found her, he accused her of running because she was lying about the assault. This type of bullshit is why women don't come forward.
Julie was working in Regina, Saskatchewan, at the arena where wrestling was held when it came in town. That's where she first saw Bret Hart, and Bret saw her too. He ended up asking her boss Gil to introduce the two. Bret spoke about this in his book, too, how Julie caught his eye while he was in the ring. Gil later warned Julie that dating a wrestler is risky because they have a lot of "stops on the road." Julie didn't understand that Gil wasn't criticizing or accusing Bret of anything, but how he knew how wrestlers were on the road, in terms of meeting women.
Julie speaks favorably on how Bret treated her younger sister Michelle (the future wife of Dynamite Kid) but I remember in Bret's book, him describing in detail how attracted he was to the underage Michelle when he met her. Julie says Bret treated her like a sister, and her book came out after Bret's, so I'll take her word for it.
Julie moved in with Bret in Calgary just a few months into their relationship and she remembers being a wreck of nerves and anxiety ay the start, unable to cook or even attend the big Hart Family Sunday dinner. Eventually, Bret got her out to the Hart house where she met Stu and Helen Hart. Helen was a sweetheart, but she remembers Stu eying her up and down, with Julie saying, "He gave me the once over." Adding, "Stu judged women on their teeth and legs." She said Stu stared at her teeth and legs as if she were a race horse he was inspecting.
Julie remembers how Stu would turn any conversation into something about wrestling. She mentioned being a Saskatchewan Roughrider fan (Canadian football team), and Stu went on a rant about Gene Kiniski, who briefly played for the Edmonton Eskimos This made me chuckle as Stu and Gene had a but of a rough relationship since Stu gave up on Gene when he was a rookie and hurt his knee. Gene went to Toronto where "Whipper" Billy Watson essentially turned Gene into the big name star he was known for.
In Bret's book, he described the first night Julie came to the Sunday Hart dinner and when Julie passed on the salad, Bret's sister Diana Hart snapped on her saying, "What, you're too good for fuckin' salad!?" Bret says his mom responded by saying to Julie, "So you met Bret's sister Diana." In Julie's book, she describes this event as well but doesn't mention the funny line from Helen. She says Bret just took Julie and decided to leave immediately. Bret's other sister, Georgia, followed them outside and apologized on behalf of Diana and excused Diana by pointing out how pregnant Diana was at the time.
Julie actually puts over Diana quite a bit and says she actually came to admire Diana for how outspoken she was. She says Diana had a great style and was a gifted artist. After reading so many Hart related books, it's refreshing to hear something positive about Diana. Diana is the "Black sheep" who married "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith. Diana would write a scandalous and legal minefield of a book in 2001 called "Under the mat." It was quickly pulled from shelves after Owen Hart's widow Martha threatened legal action over what was said about her and Owen. Bret and Bruce Hart also denounce the book, calling it mostly lies, but not everything can be written off as fiction, including stories, some wild stores about Dean Hart. I desperately need this book.
Julie said she never got over the sight of Bret Hart eating an avacado as if it were an apple.
While Bret was in Japan wrestling with his brother Keith, Julie said she spent a lot of time with Keith's girlfriend. It was Keith's girlfriend who smartened Julie up to how wrestling works. Up to this point, she believed it to be legit, and even Bret had been selling it like this to her. She was furious, and when Bret called, she told him they were done and hung up on him. The next day, Bret's older brother Bruce stopped by to help her understand kayfabe and how silly it all was. Julie says she ended up feeling bad for reacting like that and yelling at Bret, but she says he forgave her immediately. Bret tells this same story in his book, adding details of how Julie would worry and stress about Bret Hart being brutalized every night.
Here's something I dont remember from Bret's book. He knocked up Julie very early into their relationship, and Julie got an abortion. She said they both weren't ready for being parents, but Julie says she was deeply saddened by their choice. She never expressed these misgivings with Bret, and assumes Bret was relieved, she didn't make it any more difficult on them. To Bret's credit, maybe he didn't mention it in his book for Julie's benefit. Or he did mention it very briefly, and I missed it.
Julie remembers accompanying Bret on a trip overseas where they went to a freaky sex show place where they had "baby tigers and lions and torture rooms."" She says at one point Bret got tied up on a table and was playfully whipped.
On this trip, Julie remembers a woman hitting on Bret right in front of her and had to yell at her to back off while Bret laughed. Julie was pissed and made them go back to the hotel. Once there, Julie was mouthing off to Bret before he grabbed her and "bodyslammed" her into the flower bed. He offered to help her up afterwards but she told him to fuck off.
A week later Bret came home smelling of perfume and Julie says she just snapped. She said she grabbed him and dug her finger nails into his face and eyes. She says Bret later would tell her that he never saw her the same after this incident. I don't remember Bret describing Julie ever getting physical like that in his book, but he did describe a lot of shouting matches.
Julie says she and Bret got married after her younger sister and Dynamite Kid. She says they got married in secret because Bret didn't like his siblings much and said they didn't deserve to be part of it.
When Julie was pregnant again this time they felt ready to start a family. Though Bret made Julie not tell anyone for the first 5 months of her pregnancy and when he "told" his parents, it was through a letter he left on their bed before he left for a wrestling tour. Julie remembers feeling hurt by this because Bret would say his parents always wanted their children to start families with someone who had money, a significant name and an education. Julie had none of those things and while she doesn't say it, you get the feeling that she thinks Bret was ashamed or embarrassed by her.
When she got pregnant again, she says Bret was mad at her for not being more careful with birth control. She says she became very irritable and bitchy throughout the pregnancy and always found something to be mad at Bret for. She is super critical of her behavior here and doesn't excuse it.
The night she gave birth, Bret left to go out for drinks, despite Julie asking him not to in case her water broke. When she woke up at 5am to her water breaking, she was furious that Bret didn't come home yet and had to call a friend to get her to the hospital. Bret was a no-show for her entire delivery and missed his second child being born. Julie says she was furious and seriously considered divorcing him then.
When Bret started touring with WWF, he was gone for much longer periods of time and this strained their marriage. Working for WWF really put a strain on Bret and filled him with confidence issues as well. She said between his self doubt and her loneliness, their marriage was barely holding on.
She remembers how Bret would call from the road and bemoan about how lonely he was. I'm reminded of his book, how he would complain about feeling lonely, then complain that the guilt of cheating on Julie was too much.
Julie says she got a literal itch and went to a doctor who told her that she caught "something" from a public washroom. A suspicious Julie went home and threw all her bedding in the garbage and then thought to check on her suspicion. She looked through their phone bills to find that Bret was placing a ton of calls to a girl from New Jersey and that he even kept the receipt for a Christmas present he bought this girl!
Julie describes how Bret called and she just screamed "I want a divorce!" Before she hung up and ripped the phone cord out of the wall. Eventually she agreed to go meet him and they started yelling at each other in a parking lot after a show. She says at one point Bret through a can of budweiser at her head, hitting her! She says wrestler Les Thorton got between the two and tried to calm them down. She remembers screaming how she won't get in the car with Bret and Bret yelled back, "Don't be stupid, get in the car! Your embarrassing yourself!" She says Bret later said the girl meant nothing to him and Julie should be greatful that Bret isn't addicted to drugs. Wild. At one point when they were back in the hotel room, a girl called the room asking for Bret and Julie snapped, breaking a lamp.
In Bret's book, he described how he decieved both Julie and this girl from New Jersey, neglecting to tell this side girl that he was married until she was head over heels in love with him. Bret talks about how tough this was for him and says that Stu and Helen Hart talked Julie out of leaving him.
Julie says their relationship was never the same after the affair. She couldn't trust him again.
Julie says when her grandmother died a few months after the affair, Bret was calling her everyday to check in but she said "I couldn't have cared less about those calls."
Julie says it was around this time that she and Bret started to regularly do cocaine. She said the coke helped her not think about the affair and how she would ask Bret to score some if she couldn't get it out of her head. She said she would do coke and sleep in the car just to avoid Bret. She suggests this all slowed down when Vince started cracking down on coke use with drug tests.
She speaks highly of Vince McMahon, this book was written in 2013, and she is greatful for what Vince was able to provide for her family and the opportunity he gave Bret. She says when she first met Vince, he was wearing a suit and sneakers. When she asked Bret why he wore sneakers, Bret said "so he can get around." During the show she noticed Vince was all over the place during matches, never sitting still and always running around from one person to another.
Julie remembers meeting Ozzy Osbourne at Wrestlemania 2 and "marking out" because he was her idol as a teenager. After the show, she says Ozzy was present as everyone had drinks at the hotel and Dynamite Kid spiked her drink. She said she could barely stand and Dynamite just laughed at her the whole time.
Julie notes how devoted Bret was to making sure his kids had the best toys, and how Bret would drive to every toy store before Christmas and find what the kids wanted. She appreciates this but also wishes Bret didn't miss so many plays and dances and activities due to his schedule. She was starting to really resent wrestling and wanted Bret to quit. She hated having this big house that felt empty most of the time without Bret home. In Bret's book, he wanted her to get a job to fix her loneliness.
She says her 3rd pregnancy was easier than her second and Bret was very sweet to her and praised how good she looked.
Julie brings up how devastated Bret was when his brother Dean died in 1990. She remembers watching him wrestle the next night at Survivor Series ppv and seeing the pain on his face. Bret talks about how tough this was in his book and how much shame he felt. Dean needed a kidney transplant and none of the Hart brothers stepped up. Bret didn't want to derail his career. Though you can't blame anyone more than Dean himself, who was stubborn and often went against doctors orders, so even with a mew kidney, Dean may have still died.
Julie talks about continuing her partying and drug lifestyle into the early 90s when she would party with a local band and inviting them to live at her house. She said Bret was very understanding and never pushed her for details on those nights out. Some nights Bret would watch the kids all night while Julie was getting fucked up and partying.
On of those musicians, Marc, was very close with Julie and while Julie never says she hooked up, she does say her younger sister Michelle did hook up with Marc, a bunch of times in secret. She doesn't specify if this was before or after Michelle left Dynamite Kid, but she says Marc did move in with Michelle and help her with the kids. This would have been after Dynamite went back to UK, since I'm sure Dynamite would have kicked the door down and attempted to murder Marc if this were in the final months of of Michelle and Dynamite's marriage.
Julie's brother committed suicide and Julie didn't have the support system around to prevent her from spiraling into heavy drinking.
In 1996, Bret Hart was filming a movie (Sinbad) in South Africa and halfway through, asked Julie to come join him. Julie is very honest about how she was self sabatoging her life at this point but was still deeply in love with Bret. She was excited to read an early draft of some Shakespeare work that was at a museum, but Bret couldn't be bothered to go with her so she went by herself.
She says her and Bret shared a perfect moment watching the sun set, but Bret got mad at her when she decided to record it.
Julie describes sneaking cigarettes because Bret didn't know she picked the habbit up again.
The trip ended when Julie was asking Bret something but he just ignored her several times in a row. When she finally looked at what had his attention, she saw he was gawking at a topless sunbather on the beach. She stormed off to the hotel room after telling Bret to show her more respect than that. Julie says Bret followed her to the room, with him saying she always ruins these trips. When Julie started packing her bags, she says Bret pushed her hard onto the bed. She started spewing insults at him, before, she says, Bret grabbed her by the hair and threw her from the bed and onto the floor! Julie says she started crying and demanding that Bret get her home immediately or else she would find someone who would. Bret screamed at her "Get the fuck out! I've had it with you! We're fucking done! I will put you on a plane tonight, but don't expect to win me back!"
Having read Bret's book, he does mention the trip to South Africa where he filmed the Sinbad movie. But Bret makes no mention of inviting Julie on the trip and instead points out how it coincided with a WWF tour in South Africa at the same time. Bret does talk about how the Dutch found the area and how beautiful itnwas there, which was something Julie mentioned as well that Bret talked about. Bret does mention getting a lot of ladies phone numbers on the last few days of the trip and seeing a drunk Yokozuna swapping spit with some South African PR woman when they were both very drunk. Bret makes no mention of Julie being there or how he got physical with her.
The Hart's always try to shy away from controversial truths, just ask any one of them where Bruce Hart met his wife. They will all say at a wrestling show, and neglect to mention how Bruce Hart was a 33 year old substitute teacher who knocked up his 17 year old student. Gross. (I'll never not bring this up when talking about the Hart's btw)
Julie talks about Mathew Hart, Georgia and BJ's son who died in 1996 from Necrotizing Fasciitis, a legitimate flesh eating virus. From everyone's account, the poor boy suffered for 2 weeks until he died. Julie says she and Bret took their kids on vacation when the poor kid died. A lot of people act as though the Hart Family curse started at the Screwjob in 1997, but really it started with Dean in 1990 and Mathew in 1996.
Julie remembers how gleeful Bret was when he called her up and bragged about giving a drunken Vince McMahon his tag team finishing move. Julie warned Bret that Vince wasn't the type to forget that and she suspects that it played a part in the screwjob. This sounds silly imo but what do I know, I found it an interesting and unique take if nothing else.
Julie remembers the morning of the 1997 Survivor Series ppv, someone warned Bret that Vince and Shawn were seen the night before talking and getting into an elevator together.
Julie says she and her lawyer were sitting somewhere in the arena as the Montreal Screwjob happened. Julie says she got up, looking at the monitor and said, "Holy shit, that's not supposed to happen!" And her lawyer, also shocked, said, "No, it is not."
Julie says she and the layer had to sprint to catch up to Bret and Vince and she describes her scolding of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, saying the words just poured out of her. It's maybe the most memorable scene of that documentary, watching Triple H and HBK shrink into children as Julie dresses them down.
Julie says the 1997 holidays were anything but cheerful and says she was boozing a lot and doing coke "from time to time."
Julie wanted to get a nanny or house keeper but Bret refused and put his foot down on the subject.
Julie says Bret asked for a divorce in early 1998 and she handled it poorly. She is critical of her immediate response to run away from home and stay at a hotel. When she returned home for clothes, her confused daughter asked her what was going on and a rageful Julie said "Your dad wants a divorce and I can't stay in the same house as him anymore! Julie says she was so blinded by her anger she didn't see the damage she was doing then.
Julie says that the Wrestling with Shadow's documentary crew needed Julie and Bret to reshoot something that didn't come out right when they originally shot it. So Julie and Bret had to pretend to be a in a marriage again talking things out about Bret's career. Julie says her and Bret slept together after they shot the scene and she was hurt when Bret said afterward, "One for the road, I guess."
The next time she heard from Bret, he told her to get a lawyer because he had one already.
Julie says she and Bret spent many nights yelling at eachother over the phone, with Bret calling her a whore and saying he didn't take all those bumps so Julie to take all his money. This is a statement Bret would repeat a lot to Julie over the years of them fighting. He would call her a money grabbing whore and how he didn't take a bunch of bumps so Julie could end up with the money.
Just as Julie was ready to sign custody papers, Bret's personal assistant contacted Julie and told her that Bret had been seeing some girl in the States for months. The assistant said she felt guilty arranging their meetups behind Julie's back. Julie said she later told Bret that she isn't signing shit and she needed to contact her lawyers with the new developments. She said Bret first tried denying it, calling his assistant jealous and a liar. Then Bret blamed Julie because Bret said he "couldn't get past her traumatic past." What the fuck Bret, I'm pretty sure he is referring to Julie being sexually assaulted as a teenager. (He makes this clear later in the book) Then he bragged about his new girl looking better than Julie and being younger than Julie, with Bret also saying the kids will love the new girl. Bret even later said Julie was getting heavier and letting herself go.
Pretty wild story here. Julie says that Bret started neglecting the kids, even when he was in town, and often skipped out on seeing them altogether. For Canada Day 1998 Bret promised to take them out and to the fireworks. Julie says they waited all day, expecting a fun evening with their dad. But Bret didn't show up with their friend Dean, until after 9pm, (stoned and drunk according to Julie) after Julie tried to call Bret repeatedly and got no answer.
Julie isn't proud of this, but says before Bret arrived that night, Julie had sat the kids down and told them Bret was off smoking pot with a new girlfriend. Julie knew immediately she shouldn't have said it, she saw her kids starting to cry and knew she tarnished how they look at their dad.
Bret was pissed off that Julie decided to take the kids to the fireworks, and when Julie had herself and the kids in the car, an enraged Bret started punching the drivers side window until Julie agreed to get out and talk.
Bret grabbed and dragged her off around the corner of the house where Julie defiantly told him that the kids know he smokes pot and is seeing someone else.
Julie says Bret snapped, slammed her hard up against the wall and yelled, "You bitch! I hate you! I hate you!" Then Julie claims that Bret grabbed her by the throat and slammed her on the ground where he continued to choke her until their son Blade came around the corner and screamed at Bret to get off his mom!
As Julie was catching her breath, their friend Dean, who was still there and in shock, tried to help Julie up. Bret took off with their son Blade and a panicked Julie called the police. She foolishly said to the 911 opperater that her husband pro wrestler, Bret Hart, had taken her child againt her will. The police arrived and seemingly didn't know who Bret was, tried to get Julie to press charges. The police were able to call Bret and convince him to bring the kid to the police station, so the cops could bring him home. Bret makes no mention of this in his book.
Julie says Bret stopped by the next day and apologized and tried to ask her to sit down for coffee. Julie explained how they scarred their children for life the night prior and she wasn't interested in speaking to him in friendly terms yet.
Julie defends Bret a bit by saying she could see in person that she wasn't the cause of his anger and that he was just deeply angry and disappointed with things. This would be 1998 and even Bret describes how bitter and despondent he was at this time. Julie says he stopped being around the kids and it hurt them, especially their boys Blade and Dallas who started getting a chip on their shoulders and seeking conflict. One time Julie asked Dallas about Bret and Dallas said, "He never calls and is never around."
Julie says things were getting stable but she and Bret started secretly sleeping together again and complicated things. She says Bret would pick her up and drove to a seedy part of town before casually dropping her off at home after. She says she was initially amused by this but eventually began to wonder how many other women Bret does this with. It made her feel uncomfortable to say the least.
One time as she was being dropped off, Julie asked Bret if he was happy. Bret said no and that he couldn't get happy. Then Bret asked if Julie was seeing anyone, but didn't let her answer, he just said "of course you are." Julie realizes now that Bret was suffering some deep depression and at the time she mistook codependency for love.
Eventually Bret's other girlfriend caught wind of his and Julie's rendezvous and made Bret break things off. Julie could hear the woman on the other end of the line when Bret called to inform Julie that they need to set boundaries in their relationship now.
Julie says Bret once called her to say he tested for hepatitis and that Julie should get checked out as well.
Julie later found out that the girl Bret was seeing was nearly the same age as their daughter.
Julie says her and Bret continued to sleep together behind his girlfriends back though, with Bret always asking for "coffee" before making a move, which Julie always reciprocated.
Bret would break up with his girlfriend near the end of 1998 and ask Julie if he can spend the holidays with her and the kids. Julie relents, and soon they seem to be trying to salvage their relationship with Bret more present then he ever has been.
Soon after the new year, Bret and Julie take a trip together to Hawaii. Julie finally builds up the courage to ask Bret what he thinks of them getting back together, and Bret says he doesn't want to get "trapped" again. Julie snapped and said, "That's it I'm done, I can't keep playing these games with you!"
During this conversation, as Julie was walking away, Bret randomly said, "My therapist said that sometimes girls, like the ones your age when all that stuff happens to you, they like it." Julie burst into tears and ran out of the room. What the fuck Bret, to imply that that when his wife was a 16 year old girl, she liked getting r*ped!
Helen Hart died a few weeks after 9/11 in 2001. She was from New York, and Julie remembers how devastated Helen was following the September attacks. Helen went back to New York a few weeks later to visit her sister, but due to the border concerns, she was held up for hours after her plane landed back in Calgary. She wasn't able to reach her insulin and eventually went into a coma.
Helen was on an off ventilation a few times while at the hospital, and one day Alison (Bret's sister) called and told him to come visit asap, because Helen was back on a ventilator and it wasn't looking good. Bret thought Alison being an alarmist and decided to visit the next day. Julie says she wishes they had visited that night, because Helen passed away a few hours later.
One afternoon, Julie came home to find her son Dallas on the phone, when she asked him who he was speaking to, Dallas said, "It's dad, but he sounds drunk." Bret told Julie that he fell off his bike and couldn't get up. He wasn't speaking clearly and couldn't properly explain where he was. Julie and her daughter Beans, drove around looking for Bret based off his perception and directions.
Julie and Beans found him laying casually in the grass, as if he was resting. She said one of Bret's eyes was wide open and the other was closed, and half his mouth was dropping. She struggled to move him as he slurred his words and insisted he was fine. Eventually an ambulance was called and Bret was loaded in.
Julie says the stroke changed him, made him mooder and more depressed. She isn't casting judgment, just pointing out changes she noticed as she spent every day at the hospital with him, helping to feed and cloth Bret, even helping him to the bathroom.
Julie remembers one night that Bret confided in her that he feared he got a stroke as punishment for all the bad things he done. He told her that the morning he got a stroke, he was planning on signing the divorce papers.
Several months later, with Bret moving aorund more, he spent Easter with Julie and the kids, but Julie found an email from some woman in Italy, directed to Bret and it suggested some heavy sexual stuff. Julie felt stupid and used again. When she confronted him on it, he denied anything and she reluctantly believed him.
A week later as Bret prepared for a trip, she found a plane ticket to Italy, when she asked Bret where he was going, he said England. Julie drove him to the airport and told him to get the fuck out.
Bret went to Italy to be with a fan he met at a contract signing, who was obsessed with him since she was a little girl. Julie says she is exactly what Bret needed to feel like the Hitman again. After reading Bret's book, this assessment is completely accurate.
The Italian woman's name was Cynthia and she was also just a year older than Bret's daughter Jade. Julie said Jade had the hardest time accepting Cynthia, whom Bret was determined to integrate into the family.
When Bret's dad Stu died, Julie remembers how she, Bret and Stu's granddaughter Jenni all stood by the bed and watched as he passed. She remembers how she kissed his cheek and told him he could go see Helen now, he didn't need to be here and longer. I remember the speech Stu gave at Helen's funeral, with one line in particular staying with me, "I'm glad for the time I had with her," he said full of love, but his pain was on display too, "Ill never get over this" he finished solemnly, "I don't have enough time."
Julie remembers one day that their son Blade called her from Bret's house, begging for her to pick him up. Blade and Bret started arguing about Cynthia, with Bret saying to his own son, "Don't make me pick between you and Cynthia, because I'll pick Cynthia! And if you don't like it you can get the fuck out!"
Julie started calling Bret "Hitman" when he acted like this to his children, with Julie telling them that their father still loves him and not to worry about what The Hitman says, because it's coming from a broken mind.
One day after Julie bought a house, Bret randomly showed up with a turkey and tried to hit on her. Julie found it amusing and asked him if Cynthia knew he was there. Bret tried to make a move on her but Julie made it clear that won't happen so Bret left. As he left, he told Julie, "I still have cravings for you and I'm not sure I'll ever get over them." To which Julie just cooly responded with, "You will."
After Bret left that day, Julie called his assistant who confirmed that Cynthia was literally on a plane back to Italy right then. Julie laughed at how pathetic it was for Bret to say goodbye to Cynthia and then an hour or two later, show up at Julie's with a turkey and looking for sex.
Bret secretly married Cynthia and months later told the kids after the fact. Their son Blade was so furious he could barely speak to Julie when he got home and eventually blurted out, "Dad married that girl!" Their other son Dallas was also furious and explained how Bret callously told the kids "tell your mom, make sure you tell your mom." He was clearly trying to hurt Julie and used the kids to do so.
When Bret was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2006, Julie insisted on going and told Bret if he doesn't find a way for her to be there, then she would call Vince McMahon herself and arrange it. Bret promised her she would be there but asked her to be discreet about it.
Julie got asked to do an online interview leading up to the Hall of Fame, and she let slip that she would be at the show to support Bret. Later, an irate Bret called her, yelling about how she was supposed to be discreet. Julie clued in on the fact that Bret didn't tell his new wife yet about Julie coming and now he was in hot water. In the end, Bret refused to allow Julie to come to the Hall of Fame to support him.
In Bret's Hall of Fame speech, he just talked about his new wife and how Cynthia was there for him after his stroke and just put her over big. He didn't mention Julie and only mentioned 2 of his 4 children. She says her children were extremely hurt by this and calls it the ultimate betrayal.
Julie started running low on money in 2008 and even attempted to be on a reality show. It was all a BS scam though and she had to invest money into it and eventually it all fell through. She speaks of this with a bit of shame while framing it as something she learned from.
Julie was facing bankruptcy and foreclosure on the house, so as a last resort, she called Bret. She asked him for 9 grand to cover 3 mortgage payments so she can sell the house. Bret chastised her for having money problems before ultimately saying no. He suggested that she rent the house out or have the kids pay rent. As they left, Julie warned him that if she loses the house, Bret may need to take the kids at him place. She doesn't say what he said to this, but she does say, "His response was too cruel to put into writing." Good lord, considering all she told so far, I wonder what Bret said that was so bad, Julie didn't want to even write it down?
Julie does point out that Bret didn't owe her a damn thing and she was in this situation by her own doing. Julie felt like she was letting her kids down most of all.
Julie would move in with her daughter Beans where they split the rent together. She got a job making $14/hour working as a janitor at a local middle school and Julie notes that she was living well below the poverty line.
Julie remembers how absurd it was for her to show up to her janitor job driving a Lexus.
Julie ended up selling her Lexus to her daughter Beans, and Julie bought herself a 1999 Sunfire. It was the first car she ever bought with her own money.
Julie's father died in 2012 and Julie says she wrote a letter to him, promising to make him proud, and stuffed it inside his coffin.
Julie says she spends most of her days being a grandma to Jade's daughter and how grateful she is to be close to her kids still.
Bret can't say the same, Julie notes how he travels alone or with his wife and never offers invites to his kids. She says it breaks her heart to see how far Bret drifted away from their children, even if all her kids insist that they don't care. This was in 2013, so potentially Bret and his kinds could have a better relationship by now.
Julie spends the last several pages of the book detailing her kids and all the ways she loves them. You can tell she is a mother first and foremost, you can tell she loves them unconditionally. Jade, Dallas, Beans and Blade, weird names for kids but I also have a weird name so I can't judge.

I struggled getting through the last few season because of how ridiculous the show became but the ending was fitting and infuriating at the same time.
Debbie: The new girl Debbie hooks up and probably leaves to Texas with felt forced and like the writers didn’t care how her story ended so they just threw shit at the wall to see what stuck. I did like that she finally realized her abandonment issues but hated how she thought it was a good idea to follow Frank’s advice on finding a partner. I hope she didn’t take Franny to Texas but we all know she did because she could “never abandon family”
Ian and Mickey: Loved these two but hope they never adopt a child. None of the Gallaghers should have children (or more children) without addressing all their trauma. Add Mickey’s upbringing to mix and yikes. I also wish he mentioned Yevgeny when he brought up his hesitations about being a dad.
Carl: Loved his character development. He went from destroying his community by dealing drugs to genuinely wanting to make it a better place. The injustices he experienced as a cop felt very real and it was heartbreaking to see what Carl’s future may look like as a cop. I hope he’d kept fighting the good fight and writing those rich assholes parking tickets.
Lip and Tammy: HATED Tammy when she first came into the story line but in the last season I thought she was a good balance to Lip (besides that whole trying to kill Brad plot). Lip… he’s trying to be a good dad and if love was enough then he’d be the best dad but it’s not. Idk how he‘ll manage everything with Tammy being pregnant again AND taking in Liam. He’s the most like Frank in that he’s smart enough to know it’s not going to get any better and the system is not meant for people like him to win so he’ll play his role and never try for anything better.
Liam: He was the apple of all of our eyes. I think he cared so much about Frank in the last episode because he was still young. Seems like all the kids went through a phase where they hated Frank but still loved him and worried about him. Had Frank been around longer then I think Liam would’ve felt just as indifferent to Frank as the rest of the kids. I hope Liam becomes what we wanted for Lip and I have hope that he does. He had the least amount of Gallagher traits so I think he’ll be the one to make it and be semi healthy.
Fiona: Hated her downfall and alcoholism plot. Seemed off character that she would be so distraught about Ford still being married that that would be the reason for everything going to shit. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel’s back but I think the writers could have found a better straw. Also, very sad to see that she was left out of the entire last season and especially Frank’s letter. I get the actor was unavailable but i would’ve liked to see one sided phone calls or even more missed calls.
Frank: Horrible character but was beautifully acted. He was funny and smart and I felt sad for him at times. Did not like the dementia story line but him dying was necessary. Glad he didn’t leave a sentimental letter because that wasn’t him. I think I would’ve liked to see him go without any commentary.

My brother thinks I poisoned him and now I'm living in dread (this will be a bit lengthy, sorry). My brother (33m) and I (37m) unfortunately, like to take Xanax. I only take 1/4 of a pill when needed or wanted, which is rare. I only found out last year that my brother likes them too. For context, I don't like my brother and never have. He's selfish, concede, egotistical, narcissistic and truly feels like he is superior to all humans, despite being an idiot-loser. He blames everyone and everything else for his problems, even when he admits fault. I have never been close to him but out of deep love for our father, I try to have a relationship with him, despite my absolute disgust for him. Well, I made a huge mistake by letting my brother convince me to move to the same property as him, so we could be closer and share the friend referral fee. Well, about 2 weeks before my move, he quit his job and a week before I moved, he came to my apartment to hang and while he was there, he told me he wanted to get a bottle of Xanax which contains 30 pills each. I got one with him (a bottle lasts me 2-3 years depending), he ate his in 5 days. We got them on a Wednesday and by that following Monday morning, he told me he was already out. That's when he confessed to me that he takes a minimum of 3-4 a day and has been for months. 2 days later, I went to pick up the keys and went to his apt. When I got there, he was gaming and slurring his words a bit, so I asked him if he got more pills. He showed me the bottle and he was already half way through it. I told him he shouldn't take the pills like that bc they can cause severe problems if he quits cold turkey. He simply replied, "I've been through withdrawal before. It ain't shit". All I could think was "ok, but were you taking 8-10 pills a day for weeks??". So, I started distancing myself from him bc all he did was whine, bitch and moan about how his life sucks bc our dad spanked him when we were kids. I said I got hit too and I'm fine. But all he does is whine about how everything is everyone else's fault and it's not his he wound up a loser. So, being the more responsible older brother I am, tried to help by feeding him as much and as often as I could. A couple of weeks go by and I didn't take to him much. We texted almost everyday and I dropped food to him here and there but again, I was trying to distance myself some. Well, a Thursday came and I asked him if he wanted to go eat with me. He said yes and we went for Thai food. He was fine. He looked fine, spoke fine, acted fine. I didn't see or speak to him the next day (Friday) but Saturday morning at 9am, he texted me asking to come over. When I opened that door, he was a completely different person. His eyes were black, his pupils were insanely dilated, his cheeks were sunk in and you could tell he hadn't showered in a couple of days. He was going through withdrawal and I knew it, so I brought him in and that's where shit got real. He started telling me he thought the feds were after him bc he was holding some checks for a friend in a safety deposit box (even before this, something my brother would never do) and that he has cashed one for like $20k. I knew this was all paranoia and just rolled with it. He continued to tell me that there was a swat raid at the apt across from him and he watched it all through the window. He said that, "they must have known he was there bc one of the officers stood outside his door all night". He said he came to my apt as soon as the guy left. He then told me he went to Dallas the day before for training for Harris County. (They don't do that, Harris County is in Houston). So, I tried to get him to settle and calm down by putting on a neutral show with no real violence and put him up on my couch. He laid there for a good 2 hours, but kept talking to himself out loud and to me, who was in my bedroom. I was worried, so I called my dest friend and told her what was going on. She was worried too and stayed on the phone w me almost the entire time my brother was over. I had to go get my haircut and was gone no more than an hour. When I got back, he was still on the couch, saying weird and random stuff. I tried to get him to eat but he refused. I tried to get him to drink but he refused. Then, he just came and laid on my hard bedroom floor for a solid 6 hours. I got him a blanket and pillow and kept trying to get him to lay on the couch bc it's more comfortable than the floor but he said he was fine. At about 9pm that night, he got up and said he was going home. I asked if he was ok to go home and he said he was fine. So, he left and I went to sleep. Nex thing I know, I woke up around 630am to multiple missed calls from our dad, which is odd bc they were made all through the night. I called him as soon as I saw it and he picked up in a bit of a panic, asking what my brother took. I asked what he was talking about and he said my brother was acting weird like he was overdosing. So, I came clean to my dad about what's been going on. (For context, I didn't notify him sooner bc it wouldn't have done any good. My brother thinks he's smarter and better than everyone and would lose his mind if I told). My dad hangs up and tells the doctors what I told him. Apparently, my brother decided to go to my dad's in the middle of the night but got lost bc he wasn't in the right state of mind. He called my dad panicking and my dad and stepmom had to go find him. When they did and got him back to their house, they said he was talking about weird stuff and was really scaring them. So, they took him to the hospital. Once my dad told them about the pills, they transferred my brother to the psych ward of the hospital. A few days go by with my dad going to see him every day, tried telling my brother what happened. Only for my brother to laugh in his face and tell him he's full of shit. Telling my dad it's his fault he's in the hospital. A couple more days go by and my dad told me to go see him. That following Saturday I was getting ready to go, when I got a call from my dad telling me not to go. When I asked why not, he told me my brother is saying I POISONED HIM and that's why he got sick!! TF?? So, my brother got transferred to an actual psychiatric hospital and was there for about 2 weeks. When he got out, he didn't speak to me and I didn't see him. My dad just kept telling me he didn't want to talk about it, so I left it alone. Fast forward a few weeks and it's my nephews 1st birthday party. I'm talking to my stepmom and she made a comment of "how my brother must really be scared to not come to the party". I looked at her and asked what she meant. That's when she told me the truth. That my brother is telling everyone that I tried to kill him! He's adamant that I tried to kill him by poisoning him and now he's scared of me. Now, this wouldn't be too bad for a lot of people, but my brother is an extremely angry and volatile person. It takes nothing to set him off. And he doesn't like being scared of anything or anyone. Which means, that one of these days, it's 1000% possible that he just snaps and gets mad and comes after me. And yes, he owns 2 guns and has access to plenty more. All unregistered too. I can't talk to my dad about it bc he's just sticking his head in the sand like an ostrich, claiming neutrality. But this isn't some childhood or pety disagreement. He TRULY thinks I tried to poison him and that it had NOTHING to do with the pills! (Which, I guarantee he's taking again). He's being an even bigger AH to my dad bc he blames my dad for him being in the hospital. Even though my dad is paying his rent, car note, insurance and all his other bills. My brother is acting like my dad owes him this and is being the biggest and most ungrateful POS I've ever seen. Even worse than his normal self, and that saying A LOT. I'm going to talk to my friend whose an apartment supervisor and see what I can do about legally getting out of my lease bc I'm not going to wait around for him to get mad and try to do something about it. Sorry this was so long but it was a lot and I needed to get it off my chest bc I'm stressed, constantly looking over my shoulder for my brother. What else can I or should I do?

Saturday, May 04 - Friday, May 10, 2024

Top 60s

score	comments	title & link	mirrors
44	3 comments	[1965] The Yardbirds - Heart Full Of Soul	[Sp] [AM] [BC] [Dzr] [SC]
29	9 comments	[60s] Van Morrison - Sweet Thing	[AM] [BC] [Dzr] [SC]
28	3 comments	[1968] Steve Miller Band-Living In The U.S.A.
15	1 comments	[60s] The Mamas & The Papas - California Dreamin' (Official HD Video)	[Sp] [BC] [Dzr] [SC]
13	1 comments	[1963] Frank Zappa teaches Steve Allen to play The Bicycle (1963)

 

Top 70s

score	comments	title & link	mirrors
617	79 comments	[70s] Debbie Harry, 1970s
548	33 comments	[70s] Bill Ward turns 76 today. Happy Birthday to this legend!
422	48 comments	[1974] On May 9th, 1974, Bonnie Raitt played two shows at Harvard Square Theatre in Cambridge, Mass.; opening act was 25 year old Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Rolling Stone critic John Landau saw Springsteen and wrote 'I have seen rock & roll's future and his name is Bruce Springsteen'.
314	65 comments	[70s] Yes, Peter Frampton and Gary Wright played at JFK Stadium, Philadelphia, PA. June 12, 1976. “The Spirit of Summer ‘76”. An estimated 120,000 fans attended the show. Tickets were $10.00
203	27 comments	[1972] The Rolling Stones - Dead Flowers (Live in Texas 1972)	[Sp] [AM] [Dzr] [SC]

 

Top 80s

score	comments	title & link	mirrors
146	69 comments	[80s] Bruce Springsteen to play extraordinary three-hour set in Ireland this month
52	52 comments	[1981] Help me find something like Tom Sawyer by Rush
48	6 comments	[80s] The Traveling Wilburys - End Of The Line (Official Video)c	[Sp] [AM] [Dzr] [SC]
41	10 comments	[1982] Huey Lewis And The News - Workin' For A Livin' (1982)	[Sp] [Dzr] [SC]
28	4 comments	[1986] Inxs-Good Times ( Featuring Jimmy Barnes ).

 

Top Remaining

score	comments	title & link	mirrors
1,767	275 comments	Keith Richards and Mick Jagger at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas on Halloween Night, 1981. Does this seem rather... dangerous?
468	50 comments	Bon Scott stands above the crowd during a free AC/DC concert in Victoria Park, 1975
327	50 comments	Alice on the cover of Rolling Stone May 10, 1973. 51 years ago today.
253	29 comments	Stephen Stills performs 4 + 20 on the Dick Cavett Show the day after Woodstock, August 18 1969
240	78 comments	The night Christopher Cross filled in for Ritchie Blackmore in Deep Purple

 

Top 5 Most Commented

score	comments	title & link	mirrors
153	337 comments	[70s] What is the ultimate "old man yells at cloud" classic rock song?
120	317 comments	To those of you over 65 (like me), what were your first 45s and albums? Do you still have them?
82	285 comments	Who was the band that invented the genre Arena Rock (A.K.A. Corporate Rock)?
46	217 comments	Favorite classic rock love song?
39	198 comments	Roger Waters versus David gilmour

 

If you want to check out the full article, you can do so here: https://withthefirstpick.com/posts/chris-mcglynn-comparing-my-way-too-early-mock-draft-to-the-2024-nfl-draft-01hx04j216sc
History is usually not too kind way-too-early mock drafts. Spencer Rattler, Eli Ricks and many more have opened the draft cycle as highly-touted prospects who failed to live up to expectations. Many more have seen their "stock fall" in large part because their tape is put under the microscope, revealing that they never should have been that highly regarded in the first place.
And so, it is time for one of my favorite exercises. I am taking my way-too-early mock draft for 2024 and comparing it to what happened at the draft in Detroit. It is a great way to see how much has changed in a year. Several prospects lived up to the hype, many more fell off and others still came from way off the radar to be high draft picks.
1. Way-too-early pick: Arizona Cardinals - Caleb Williams, QB, USC Actual draft pick: Chicago Bears via Carolina Panthers - Caleb Williams, QB, USC
This one should come as no surprise. Williams was seen as the top quarterback in this draft from the very beginning, and while some will argue Drake Maye was worthy of the top pick, there was never really any doubt that Williams would be the first selection. Turns out the Cardinals were a bit better than we all expected and the first year of the Bryce Young experience was a bitter disappointment.
2. Way-too-early pick: Arizona Cardinals via Houston Texans - Marvin Harrison Jr., WR, Ohio State Actual draft pick: Washington Commanders - Jayden Daniels, QB, LSU
Remember when we all thought the Cardinals could have the top two picks in the draft? Don't blame me, blame the sportsbooks. Turns out the Texans were way better in C.J. Stroud's and DeMeco Ryans’ debut campaign. Still, the Cardinals did wind up taking Harrison, just at No. 4, not No. 2. As for Daniels, he was a player I was really excited about heading into the 2024 draft cycle, but I did not have him in the first round of this mock. He took a huge step as a passer and leader in his second season at LSU, propelling him into this spot.
3. Way-too-early pick: Indianapolis Colts - Olu Fashanu, OT, Penn State Actual draft pick: New England Patriots - Drake Maye, QB, UNC
Fashanu entered the 2024 in a fierce competition for Joe Alt for the top tackle spot. Alt took some major strides in 2023. Fashanu had the same issues pop up regarding his play strength and overall power. In the end, Fashanu still wound up going in the top half of the first round. For the Colts, expectations were low after drafting Anthony Richardson. Even when the No. 4 pick in the 2023 draft went down, Shane Steichen got this team to compete and really turned the outlook for Indianapolis around heading into 2024. We will talk more about Maye in just a moment.
4. Way-too-early pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Drake Maye, QB, UNC Actual draft pick: Arizona Cardinals - Marvin Harrison Jr., WR, Ohio State
I will admit, I did not see Baker Mayfield leading the Buccaneers to the playoffs and landing a big extension in the offseason. Let's remember that he opened training camp in a quarterback battle with Kyle Trask! That was put to bed quickly, Tampa wound up winning the division and knocking out Philly in the wildcard round before falling short against the Lions. Maye came into the cycle with a top of hype, but ultimately had an uneven year with a worse supporting cast. I believe in his upside, but he is a bit of a project as he heads to New England. Harrison was my top player on the board heading all the way back in May of 2023. That never changed and he was the first non-quarterback off the board.
5. Way-too-early pick: Tennessee Titans - Brock Bowers, TE, Georgia Actual draft pick: Los Angeles Chargers - Joe Alt, OT, Notre Dame
Bowers was a known quantity heading into this draft cycle. Injuries and a lengthy debate about his positional value pushed him down the board. He might be the best tight end prospect we have had in nearly two decades, but given the lackluster impact of Kyle Pitts so far (more of a coaching issue than a talent issue it seems), teams backed off taking Bowers so early. Alt, who I mentioned before when talking about Fashanu, was seen as a top-10 candidate given his size, length and experience. He made some small improvements as a pass blocker in 2023, which I think gave him the edge over the rest of the tackles in the draft class.
6. Way-too-early pick: Washington Commanders - Quinn Ewers, QB, Texas Actual draft pick: New York Giants - Malik Nabers, WR, LSU We have found our first major outlier from the way-too-early mock. Ewers had an up-and-down season, ultimately deciding to return to Austin for his senior year. I clearly learned nothing from this exercise, because I projected Ewers at No. 6 in my 2025 way-too-early mock, coincidentally to the Giants. Meanwhile, Nabers put together another impressive season, leading to months of debate as to who WR1 in this class truly was. I stuck with Harrison, but Nabers was one of the highest graded players I scouted in this draft cycle. He has superstar potential in New York.
7. Way-too-early pick: Atlanta Falcons - Jared Verse, EDGE, Florida State Actual draft pick: Tennessee Titans - J.C. Latham, OT, Alabama
I promise, I am not trying to draw anymore attention to the fact that we all expected the Falcons to draft an edge rusher in the top 10. We all know by now what Atlanta opted to do instead, so let's focus on Verse. He had top-15 buzz in the 2023 draft, but returned to school for one more season. I don't know that it hurt him in any way, because there is a chance a deeper dive into his film and the pre-draft process could have seen him slip down the board a bit. He had another impressive year at Florida State and wound up going inside the top-20 to the Rams. As for Latham, this was the first real reach of the draft for me. I think he is a bit raw and I have questions about his ability to thrive at tackle in the NFL in general, much less making the switch to playing left tackle. He goes to a great situation with Bill Calahan to lead his development, but this is a risky proposition to say the least.
8. Way-too-early pick: Chicago Bears via Carolina Panthers - Joe Alt, OT, Notre Dame Actual draft pick: Atlanta Falcons - Michael Penix Jr., QB, Washington
This was the biggest stunner of the draft. We have picked apart why that is ad nauseam by this point. Let's talk more about Penix. He was iffy to be a first-round pick, much less a top-10 selection last summer. He was still only a year removed from an injury-plagued career at Indiana at that point. This is an interesting position for him to land in, but I am a big fan of the player.
9. Way-too-early pick: Los Angeles Rams - Bo Nix, QB, Oregon Actual draft pick: Chicago Bears - Rome Odunze, WR, Washington
I was a bit too high on Nix heading into the 2023 season, but this wound up being only three spots earlier than he was actually selected. I thought he would have been a good candidate to eventually replace Matthew Stafford, who has struggled with injuries in recent seasons. Los Angeles still has not identified an heir apparent, but the Rams also had a much better season than this projection expected. The Bears ended up in this slot, taking one of the most entertaining players in college football in Odunze, who I had mocked just a little later on. He will form a terrifying trio with Keenan Allen and D.J. Moore in Chicago.
10. Way-too-early pick: New England Patriots - Emeka Egbuka, WR, Ohio State Actual draft pick: Minnesota Vikings via New York Jets - J.J. McCarthy, QB, Michigan
There is a lot to unpack here. For starters, Egbuka had an injury-riddled year and wound up returning to school. He figures to be in the conversation to go in the first round in 2025. The Patriots had a much worse season than this, thanks in part to Mac Jones flaming out. Then there is McCarthy. He was not talked about a ton as a legitimate candidate to be drafted. He had shown flashes as a true sophomore, but keep in mind that he wasn't the designated starter to open the 2022 season. That was Cade McNamara. He saw a massive jump in his completion percentage and made big plays in key moments as Michigan won a national championship. He is going to need some seasoning and it will be interesting to see what happens when he is asked to be more than a game manager. The talent is there and this is a great landing spot for him under Kevin O'Connell.
11. Way-too-early pick: Pittsburgh Steelers - Kool-Aid McKinstry, CB, Alabama Actual draft pick: New York Jets via Minnesota Vikings - Olu Fashanu, OT, Penn State
McKinstry was the top corner on my radar heading into the 2023 season. He had his moments of brilliance, but struggled at points too, specifically against Adonai Mitchell. Additionally, his medical exam at the NFL combine revealed a Jones fracture in his foot, which likely pushed him down boards slightly. He landed in the second round with the Saints on draft day and has every chance to earn a starting spot.
12. Way-too-early pick: Las Vegas Raiders - Kalen King, CB, Penn State Actual draft pick: Denver Broncos - Bo Nix, QB, Oregon
This projection did not work out well. King had a rocky 2023 campaign, highlighted by a really rough showing against Marvin Harrison Jr. A poor pre-draft process, including subpar measurables and testing numbers saw King slide all the way to the seventh round. Perhaps he will bounce back and recapture some of his 2022 form in Green Bay, but his draft stock tanked throughout the season. For the Raiders, corner was and still is a need for them, but they opted to offense early before taking Decamerion Richardson in the fourth round.
13. Way-too-early pick: Chicago Bears - Laiatu Latu, EDGE, UCLA Actual draft pick: Las Vegas Raiders - Brock Bowers, TE, Georgia
Latu was one of my favorite prospects throughout the draft process. He was my highest rated defender heading into the draft and ended up being the first defender selected just a couple picks after this spot. He is about as technical a pass rusher we have ever seen coming out of college. Chicago chose to go offense instead with its two first round picks, but Latu would have been an excellent fit across from Montez Sweat.
14. Way-too-early pick: Green Bay Packers - J.C. Latham, OT, Alabama Actual draft pick: New Orleans Saints - Tailese Fuaga, OT, Oregon State
Turns out, Jordan Love was a lot better than we anticipated and the Packers were picking nowhere near this point. Latham actually came off the board before this point, so the Saints turned to Fuaga instead. He was a major riser this season, hat tip to Trevor Sikkema for championing him earlier than anyone else I can remember. His fluid movement skills for a player his size makes him an intriguing option to eventually flip to left tackle in the NFL.
15. Way-too-early pick: New York Giants - Rome Odunze, WR, Washington Actual draft pick: Indianapolis Colts - Laiatu Latu, EDGE, UCLA
It was no secret the Giants needed wide receiver help. We knew that way back in May of 2023. New York's season ended up going much worse than this, with Daniel Jones struggling early before suffering a season-ending injury. The Giants were actually heavily linked to Odunze throughout the draft process and he would have been a great fit.
16. Way-too-early pick: Seattle Seahawks - Jer'Zhan Newton, DL, Illinois Actual draft pick: Seattle Seahawks - Byron Murphy, DL, Texas
Clearly, the sportsbooks nailed this one. I will give myself some partial credit here as well. Seattle needed defensive line help in a big way. They traded for Leonard Williams at the deadline and still wound up selecting Murphy on draft day. Newton wound up sliding into the second round, which surprised a lot of analysts. He had a great season for Illinois and looked like a first-round pick, even if not quite this high. Meanwhile, Murphy lands in a perfect situation to thrive at the NFL level.
17. Way-too-early pick: Minnesota Vikings - Dallas Turner, EDGE, Alabama Actual draft pick: Minnesota Vikings via Jacksonville Jaguars - Dallas Turner, EDGE, Alabama
It's better to be lucky than good. I would love to take credit here for projecting a first draft pick nearly a year ahead of time, but I think this is an excellent illustration of how difficult it is to predict what will happen in the NFL draft. I had Turner as the third edge rusher off the board in my way-too-early mock, behind Verse and Latu. When the draft actually rolled around, I expected Turner to be the first edge rusher selected, likely in the top 10. A historic run on offensive players pushed him down the board to this point. He had a really strong 2023 season and has elite athleticism. His ceiling is incredibly high at the next level.
18. Way-too-early pick: Denver Broncos - Maason Smith, DL, LSU Actual draft pick: Cincinnati Bengals - Amarius Mims, OT, Georgia
Smith was such a projection pick this early in the process. Then again, I guess every pick was. Anyway, Smith is such a rare athletic talent, but he was coming off a torn ACL this past season. He had a fine season, but nothing that warranted a first-round selection. He landed in the second round with the Jaguars. Perhaps, Smith will look even better two years removed from his injury. On the other hand, we have Mims, who is still a relative unknown. He has ideal traits and size to be a high-level starter in the NFL. However, due to injuries and talent ahead of him at Georgia, he only has eight collegiate starts. He will essentially get a redshirt year in Cincinnati, assuming Trent Brown can stay healthy, before likely taking over at right tackle in 2025.
19. Way-too-early pick: New Orleans Saints - J.T. Tuimoloau, EDGE, Ohio State Actual draft pick: Los Angeles Rams - Jared Verse, EDGE, Florida State
Ohio State messed with a lot of the depth in this draft class, bringing back a ton of draft eligible talent for another run. Tuimoloau is a strong player, but he hasn't really shown much development as a pass rusher. He has 12 career sacks in three seasons, and it is not for a lack of opportunity or playing time. For what it is worth, I did not include him in my way-too-early mock for 2025. I think he projects more as a Day 2 rotational player than a potentially impact starter.
20. Way-too-early pick: Houston Texans via Cleveland Browns - Jeremiah Trotter Jr., LB, Clemson Actual draft pick: Pittsburgh Steelers - Troy Fautanu, OT, Washington
It turns out, we might have overrated the Clemson defense a little bit. Trotter is a fun player, flying around and getting to the ball, but he is undersized and lacks the ideal agility required to start at the NFL level. I will say, I do love that he landed with the Eagles, where his dad spent the majority of his career. While Trotter's stock slipped throughout the season, Fautanu's skyrocketed. Thought by most to be a guard, he put those questions to rest at the combine, measuring in with longer arms than Joe Alt. He is a brawler with great play strength. He fits Pittsburgh so well and has the potential to be the team's long-term starter at left tackle.
21. Way-too-early pick: Los Angeles Chargers - Ja'Tavion Sanders, TE, Texas Actual draft pick: Miami Dolphins - Chop Robinson, EDGE, Penn State
When you look at where the Chargers were expected to be picking and then compare it to where they actually picked, you get a pretty clear picture as to why Brandon Staley was fired. Los Angeles is still in need of a tight end, with Will Dissley and Hayden Hurst the top two options at the position, but that will wait until next year, maybe until when Jim Harbaugh can draft Colston Loveland. Sanders wound up sliding all the way to the fourth round, which felt a bit harsh for a player as dynamic in space at the position. That being said, first round was too rich a projection as well. He lacks physicality and struggles as a blocker. As for Robinson, I did not have him in my way-too-early mock. I watched him against Ohio State in 2022 and did not see a first-round talent. I was low on Robinson throughout the process and thought this was a little earlier than he should have gone. He is a great athlete, but he is unrefined and had little production at Penn State.
22. Way-too-early pick: Miami Dolphins - Raheim Sanders, RB, Arkansas Actual draft pick: Philadelphia Eagles - Quinyon Mitchell, CB, Toledo
This one did not pan out so well for me. I loved Sanders coming into the process. He had over 1,700 yards from scrimmage and 12 touchdowns for Arkansas in 2022. He followed that up 284 yards from scrimmage and two touchdowns in just six games due to injury. His yards per attempt also plummeted from 6.5 to 3.4. He wound up transferring to South Carolina. We will see if he can bounce back and get himself back into top 100 consideration for 2025. Meanwhile, Mitchell went the other direction. He was a small school star with some consideration, but he proved he could contend at the Senior Bowl and wound up being the first corner selected. He could be a Day 1 starter in Philly.
23. Way-too-early pick: Jacksonville Jaguars - Cooper DeJean, CB, Iowa Actual draft pick: Jacksonville Jaguars via Minnesota Vikings & Houston Texans - Brian Thomas Jr., WR, LSU
The Jaguars ended up picking here after a trade down with the Vikings. DeJean inexplicably slid out of the first round, but he was definitely a first-round talent. Even after suffering a season-ending injury at Iowa, he returned for a great pre-draft workout and his tape is first-round caliber. He landed with the Eagles in the second round. Thomas benefitted from Jayden Daniels' Heisman season and a clear spot in the starting lineup. He entered the 2023 season with 770 yards and seven touchdowns through his first two years combined. He posted 1,177 yards and an FBS-leading 17 touchdowns in a monster breakout season. He will be a great field-stretching option in Jacksonville.
24. Way-too-early pick: Detroit Lions - Jack Sawyer, EDGE, Ohio State Actual draft pick: Detroit Lions via Dallas Cowboys - Terrion Arnold, CB, Alabama
The offseason hype around the Lions turned out to be warranted. Detroit had to trade up to pick at No. 24. They took Arnold, which fills a huge void on their defense. He is a hard-nosed tackler with good ball skills. He started the year in Kool-Aid McKinstry's proverbial draft shadow, but ended up surpassing his teammate by the time the draft rolled around. Meanwhile, Sawyer, like J.T. Tuimoloau, returned to school for another year. He is similar in that he has great strength, but lacks the production to go with it. He has a future as an edge setting defender, but he does not generate enough pressure to warrant first-round consideration heading into the 2024 season.
25. Way-too-early pick: Baltimore Ravens - Michael Hall Jr., DL, Ohio State Actual draft pick: Green Bay Packers - Jordan Morgan, OT, Arizona
It is funny now to look back and think the Ravens had a pressing need at defensive tackle. Justin Madubuike had a breakout year with 13 sacks that resulted in All-Pro honors, a Pro Bowl spot and a massive contract extension. Hall wouldn't have been the pick anyway. He is a great interior pass rusher, but is undersized and struggles to win consistently at the point of attack. He landed with Cleveland in the second round. Regarding the pick that did happen, Morgan looked much sharper in his second year removed from a torn ACL suffered in 2021. There are some concerns about his length when it comes to his ability to play tackle in the NFL, but the Packers have never shied away from moving college tackles into interior offensive line spots.
26. Way-too-early pick: Dallas Cowboys - TreVeyon Henderson, RB, Ohio State Actual draft pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Graham Barton, OL, Duke
Projecting an Ohio State running back to the Cowboys isn't the worst thing I could have done. Dallas still desperately needs running back help after passing on the position entirely. Henderson returned to Columbus for another year after an inconsistent season and will compete for touches in a backfield that now features Ole Miss transfer Quinshon Judkins. Barton is another college offensive tackle whose future lies on the interior of the offensive line at the NFL level. He was on the radar, but had a great pre-draft process to push him into the first round.
27. Way-too-early pick: Green Bay Packers via New York Jets - Andrew Mukuba, S, Clemson Actual draft pick: Arizona Cardinals - Darius Robinson, DL, Missouri
Mukuba had a lot of traction heading into the season, but injuries led him to returning to school and transferring to his hometown team in Austin. The Packers had a clear need at safety as well, signing Xavier McKinney to a big deal this offseason. As a Jets fan, just a quick moment to savor when the Jets were thought to be Super Bowl contenders with Aaron Rodgers, which is why this pick was projected to belong to the Packers. For Robinson, this was a surprising rise for a player with very little production or fanfare heading into the season. He broke out with 8.5 sacks and then had a phenomenal week at the Senior Bowl. This was still a bit early for my liking, but he has the versatility and power to hang around the league for a long time.
28. Way-too-early pick: Cincinnati Bengals - Calen Bullock, S, USC Actual draft pick: Kansas City Chiefs via Buffalo Bills - Xavier Worthy, WR, Texas
Bullock is a ball-hawking safety with excellent ball production from his time at USC. However, one of the biggest issues for him, and most of the USC defense, was his inability to tackle. A big part of that is that at 188 pounds, he is in the second percentile for weight at the safety position. He wound up landing with Houston in the third round as a result. Meanwhile, the Chiefs traded up with the Bills again to land a speedster at wide receiver. More on Worthy in just a second.
29. Way-too-early pick: Buffalo Bills - Xavier Worthy, WR, Texas Actual draft pick: Dallas Cowboys via Detroit Lions - Tyler Guyton, OT, Oklahoma
Oh how close this was to actually happening. Worthy was on the board for the Bills at 28 and they needed a receiver in a bad way. Instead, Buffalo traded down and Worthy is now the newest weapon for Patrick Mahomes. The Texas star has a very slight frame, but broke the 40-yard dash record at the combine this year. He will change how teams have to defend Kansas City. His draft stock clearly did not shift a whole lot from where he was initially projected to where he landed. The same cannot be said for Guyton. He was not really in the conversation heading into the 2023 season, but he has exciting intangibles despite his lack of experience. In a couple years, he could look like a steal at this spot.
30. Way-too-early pick: San Francisco 49ers - Akheem Mesidor, DL, Miami Actual draft pick: Baltimore Ravens - Nate Wiggins, CB, Clemson
Mesidor remains a prospect I will be watching closely for the 2025 draft. He had a great first season with Miami in 2022 after transferring from West Virginia. Unfortunately, he suffered a season-ending injury just three games into the 2023 season. I did not have Wiggins in my way-too-early mock, and in retrospect, I probably should have. He was the Clemson defender I overlooked. He has great speed, impressive effort and top-tier ball skills. He lasted to the end of the round because of his slight frame and questionable tackling in space. I have no doubt Baltimore will find a way to get the most out of him.
31. Way-too-early pick: Philadelphia Eagles - Kingsley Suamataia, OT, BYU Actual draft pick: San Francisco 49ers - Ricky Pearsall, WR, Florida
Philly picked much earlier than this on draft day as their Super Bowl hangover finally hit in the second half of the season. I was high on Suamataia heading into the season, but he still has a bit of a ways to go from a development standpoint to make it to be a starter. He landed with the Chiefs in the second round. The 49ers got back to the Super Bowl, but fell short and John Lynch decided he wanted more firepower on offense. Whether this means Brandon Aiyuk or Deebo Samuel is on the way out or not, Pearsall should have a role in this offense early. He is a reliable playmaker with inside-outside versatility.
32. Way-too-early pick: Kansas City Chiefs - Troy Franklin, WR, Oregon Actual draft pick: Carolina Panthers via Buffalo Bills & Kansas City Chiefs - Xavier Legette, WR, South Carolina
The Chiefs did wind up selecting a wide receiver in the first round, just not Franklin. It was a bit of a shock to see Franklin slide as far as he did. He was not a first-round talent as I had initially thought, but I figured he would go mid-to-late second round, not in the early fourth. He was very productive at Oregon, but a slight frame and small hands likely pushed him down draft boards. That being said, I like his landing spot with his college quarterback in Denver. On the other hand, Leggette was on no one's radar heading into the season. In his first four seasons at South Carolina, he was largely a special teamer with 423 career receiving yards. He exploded with 1,255 receiving yards and seven touchdowns. He is a hometown kid with a chance to play a major role in his first season. He should be one of Bryce Young's top targets this year.

I have a history with this bank shutting my card on me in bizarre situations and being absolutely appalling in resolving matters. Months ago it blocked my card after making a transaction maybe 8 or so miles south of where I live. This resulted in a phone call which they “failed” to identify me and not only deactivated my card but had sent me a new one. Problem was I was without a source of payment and then my wife, daughter, and I were stranded because our vehicle was in a parking garage without a way to pay. People were quick berate me for not having multiple sources of payment which I was embarrassed to say that I did not have the kind of funds to spread over other sources.
Beside the point. It put me in a terrible situation with my family and caused a lot of emotional stress and embarrassment. Since then I had lost my job and home, went without income and things were bad. I just started a new job in which I am grateful for, unfortunately this was the only bank I had so I used it to set up direct deposit.
I have been working for this company for almost a month, got a full paycheck in, and they flew me out to Dallas for job training. As soon as I landed I called to let them know where I was as to hopefully keep this from happening, the representative on the phone told me that “everything should be fine”. Later on that same day the bank halted a transaction at a restaurant, I called a number and confirmed it was me. No big deal. The next morning I am at the training facility and getting breakfast from the cafe where it declined again. Since then I have called multiple times trying to get it restarted. They locked not only my card, but the account itself, I cannot log on online.
They did not accept my ID at first, which was pretty much the only source of ID I thought I had. Then soon found my SSN, I sent view email both my SSN and ID which were both rejected hours later. I sent my recently created health insurance documents, then my paystub. Rejected. I was not being told why they were being rejected until my paystub which stated “does not reflect an address”. I come to understand that my ID is at the old address, understandable if frustrating. I am currently living with my family, I have no utility to send, I sent them everything shy of my birth certificate which I am the only one that has access to back home.
Today, my dad showed me my health insurance card came in. I sent them a picture of it opened, showing the card and address, and it was still denied under “Needs to reflect a date”. They have my Health insurance documents which tells the date in which it my health insurance is active and they now have the card to match the information for verification. I have pretty much given them everything they need to assume my identity and it is still being denied and ironically put me in more danger for having to send sensitive info over email.
I am angry, frustrated, stressed, emotionally drained, and hungry. I have been in Dallas since 5/5, I go home tomorrow (8th),I want to take my money out and go else where but I can only do it with my card. I want to press charges, they have endangered me multiple times and at this point it feels targeted. I am not rich, but I want a lawyer if this has any traction in a court battle.

My dad owns/operates "Stoneys Dallas Cowboys Museum" in Arlington, TX. For the last 11+ years he has offered free tours to anyone who has love for the cowboys! The City of Arlington even features him as a "thing to do" while visiting the city and regularly books tours even through the off season. He has never charged a dime for anything and does this solely out of love for the team. The thing is hes getting older and still works 40+ hrs a week at his full time job repairing coffee makers(hes been an employee there for over 30 years). I created a Youtube channel with him to tell stories and document some of the history while hopefully giving you a laugh at the same time. Im reaching out here to see 1) What do you guys think of these videos? 2) Any suggestions or direction for future content . Ill be the first to tell you I DO NOT know what im doing, I feel there is real potential here for him to make a living doing what he loves. He will never just "charge" for tickets or anything like that but if we can get enough support online maybe he can get to a point where he can focus all his efforts on the "museum" and keep sharing the love for years to come. Any feedback is appreciated, Thanks. Also if anyone reading this would like to come check out the museum just shoot me a message! We welcome anyone interested! GO COWBOYS!!!!

Hi,my name is JJPM. Im originally from Oak Cliff,Dallas,Texas(ive been there for 18 Years). I have a Mom,Dad,Brother,Sister,Aunt,Cousins,Uncle,and only 1 Person that i consider a True/Best Friend. I guess MY life started to go down when i was little. Not sure why they fought but my Mom and Dad did and she left soon after with my Sister and i didnt see her again till later in my life. My dad was physically abusive to me and my brother,not all the time but when he did,he did. Then sometime when i was between Elementary-Middle School someone who was my dads friend (a Woman) came into my life and she became a Mother to me,along with HER daughter who became like a Sister to me (and as of Now i still consider her my sister and vice versa). But my dad and the Woman were on&off (mostly cause of my dad) and she was in and out of my life. During my School Years i felt like a loser and was lonely pretty much with no real friends,even in Highschool when i joined the Football Program i was still a loser and never got along with MOST of my Teammates (besides a FEW) with the only REAL connections being my Coachs. But i guess i wasnt truly alone/by myself because i was VERY close to 2 of my OLDER cousins,when i first met them i was in Highechool so they would be in their late teens/Early 20's,idk,(as of me writing this im 20 and their 25 and 27 i believe). Idk how or why we became so close but they were people i looked up to and loved so much (not like Alabama)and them back,to give you an Example they would invite me to places when they had no reason to other than out of the kindness of their heart(their own boyfriends place for all of us to Hang Out,including in the holidays. Anime Conventions. And would ask me if i would like to hang out). But i was very immature with them,i never did anything crazy but i would act/do stuff that would make them either keep their distance from me or cut me from their life. During one of my Teen Birthdays (i dont remember which one) my dads friends daughter drank some big bottle of beer with one of her friends (i think) and my dad,along with my aunt confronted her but im not sure WHY she did it but she try to struck my aunt and it just turned to a whole thing. Because of that my family and my dads friends family never got along and thats when i believe things went down for the 2nd Time in my Life. After that things were ALRIGHT to say the least,My Dad had started a Relationship with a MUCH younger woman who was the niece of our neighbor,i still kept in contact with my dads friend/their daughter but my Aunts side of the Family really didnt like me doing it (but i felt like it would be wrong to cut them,especially since they had always been good to me,even after all that),but overall things were normal. But even after all that my dad still hadnt change and even though he didnt abuse me as much because i was now bigger he still fought with me and treated my brother wrong ALONG with the Younger Woman. So i stepped up to him more than ever and that made things more tense between us than they already were. So this part of the story is when i considered my life went down for the 3rd time in my life. It was 2020 and im pretty sure it was down for everyone but still. I dont remember how or why other than a disagreement and misunderstanding on MY part but because of those 2 my cousins had cut me off from their life for the 1st time and it REALLY devastated me (soon after that i had met my 1st Ever Boyfriend,now Ex and things went pretty good from there). After a couple of weeks i had decided to walk/run at a Park near me in the Middle Of The Night and so i went but for WHATEVER reason my Dad thought i was doing some BAD and called/picked me up to "confront" me and because he was saying stuff that made me look like the bad guy i attacked him,nothing serious just TRIED to scratch his face,and so because of that he stopped the car,called the police on me,and got me sent to jail. My time in Jail i guess would be the right way to put it was very traumatic,i was only in there for a Week cause it was my 1st Time and because it was my 1st Time my first offense was expunged but still. After i got out of jail i called my dads friend to help me out and she gladly did but it was only for a little while because i had to go BACK with my dad or SOMEONE my dad approved of because at the time i was 17 and CPS was called and they said i couldnt stay with them so they had me stay with ANOTHER female friend of my dad. And my time with her was alright but very unpleasent. They werent bad people by any means but they were republican and i felt very uncomfortable. But throughout all that my then Boyfriend helped me through all of it and i had planed to Visist him/meet him in person for the 1st time in San Antonio. Later in early 2021 i believe i was kicked out of my dads friends house because of how i was unmessy and she couldnt take it anymore. So when she dropped me off with my dad he was said cause of what he did and wanted to make ammends with me and i relunctantly accepeted it cause i had nowhere else to go by then and things went alright between us from then on. Now its late 2021 either in the summer or fall,i had saved up to visit my 1st Boyfriend(now Ex) and my 1st time with him in person was one of my happiest moments with him. When i had came back from San Antonio things were pretty good. But a couple of Weeks after i came back is when my life had gone down for the 4th time. I don't remember exactly when it happened but I was at home eating and my brother had come back from work and he must have had a bad day or something because when I greeted him he gave me attitude and so I did what everyone else has told me to do when someone is bad to me and either i don't talk to them,don't interact with them,or don't be in the same room with them. But when i did he started talking shit and so we both fought and afterwarfs he called the police on me. Now at the time i couldve just snatched the phone from him or ran when he did call the police. But I was pretty confident that I wouldn't be in any trouble so I stayed to prove my innocence. So after he did that my dad and the younger woman came home and we told them what happened and so everybody just went to the rooms and the cops eventually did come late at night around 1:00 a.m.. The cops talked to me and my brother and both cops said that my brother was in the wrong and that he had no reason to call the cops for a family matter. But even though they said that they still had to take me in because I had just turned 18 at the time and he was technically a minor being 17 or 16 I don't remember. So for the second time in my life a family member call the cops on me and sent me to jail. And this time the Chargers were more serious, so I had called my Dad's friend to help me out, and apparently while I was in jail my dad was going to help me but he was going to have me be in jail for a month or two to "teach me a lesson". So after my Dad's friend got me out of jail I stayed with her and I was going to stay with her and try to build up my life with her. But during that time, not even a week had passed and for some reason she accused me of fighting my dad over the younger woman. And so because of that accusation I did what she as well as my dad and everyone else has told me and walked out of the apartment she was living at and stayed out for the rest of the night. But for whatever reason she wanted me out of the apartment and basically kick me to the streets. So because of that her daughter had hit up one of my cousins and so i went to live with them and my aunt for a week. Then after that week I had a called my bf(now ex) and told them everything that had happend and so i gathered up my things and went to san antonio to start a new life. Now its 2022 i had just move in with my then bf(now ex) and overall things were pretty good when i was there. We did get into little fights and little arguments but overall it seemed like my life could have gone great. But i was wrong. The house me and my bf(now ex) were living at was his grandpas house and his brother was there too. His Grandpas had started to get sick and eventually was put in Hospice and past away soon afterwards. And after that happend it must have really hit my bf(now ex) hard because soon afterwards me and him were scrambling to find somewhere to live cause all of this was so sudden and for him it was a big change. Not JUST because his grandpa died,but because his own world had ended and had to face challenges he himself didnt have to face/worry about before. To the best of my memory it was like for him his world completely turned upside down. Luckily for BOTH of us me and him were able to live with his dads girlfriend in New Braunfels in a room she rented to us and it would have been a blessing if she didnt charge us right away,making us have debt with her. But once we dealt with that he broke down,rightfully so and i was there to console him and all that. We both got jobs and started to settle in afterwards. But i can tell my bf(now ex) was shaken by it. Especially when one night he told me that he wanted to move out to a hotel and eventually back to San Antonio and for WHATEVER reason he said he would do it with or WITHOUT me and i broke down crying and convulsing because he wanted to ditch me even though we were BOTH going through all this,but he went back to his senses so me and him decided to do just that. So we did,and after 2022 ended me and him moved to a motel in the beginning of 2023 and started saving up to get an apartment back in San Antonio. During this time he he started drinking more than usual,to the point where he would pass out and lock me out of the motel and I would get on his ass because of his excessive drinking and what it does. So we fought more. Not to mention he wanted to get a puppy/dog,even though I knew deep down neither me nor him would be responsible to take care of him and all that,but no,he still got the dog regardless. So around March or April of 2023 me and him along with the dog eventually moved back to San Antonio into an apartment. And I was feeling pretty hopeful again because I thought that now that we are back in his home City,we had a place of our own,and that he had a pet of his own,hed finally go back to being happy before his Grandpa died. But no for WHATEVER reason he was still sad and got even more depressed than he ever was,to the point where he drank even MORE than what he did in the motel,to the point where he wasn't taking care of the puppy and he had drank himself out of his first job. So of course I got mad at him and I berated him and we both fought. I even tried to contact his family to try to help him with whatever he was dealing with but they were no help throughout all of this in fact I'd say they just let whatever happen. And so because of the state he was in whether drunk or sober,in the summer of 2023 towards the end he started to cheat on me. And his rationale for doing so was because he was young,he didn't want to settle,he wanted to be "free",he wanted to be gay, he wanted to be sexual,and that he said he had no more love for me,for this relationship. And that really threw me off the deep end,to the point where I started being more physical towards him,because of the anguish and sadness and anger I fell for what he did. For how he's ruining the relationship how he doesn't care about me. All that. I contacted whoever I can from my aunt,to both my sisters, to my cousins,my friend,even his family. And you know they did all they could but I had to do something about it myself and that was either move away from him or move back to Dallas. So this is Late 2023,i had just spent a mediiocre thanksgiving and a VERY sad christmas alone. So I went back to Dallas for New Year's Eve and spent a pretty good time with my aunt's side of the family. And during my stay there one of my cousins suggested that me and her could move in and I want to make this very clear she had suggested and I had asked her multiple times if she was serious / if it's possible and all the times she had told me yes. So with that confirmation on my way back to San Antonio I had told my then boyfriend(now ex) that I finally accepted the breakup and he was more than happy to hear that,though in a very "finally🙄" attituted. So remember that cousin I mentioned?, well now it's early February of 2024 and out of nowhere she sent me a text saying that she might buy a vehicle and that she might go to college and won't have enough funds for me and her to move in together and even though now she didn't end up getting the vehicle or college I was pretty upset and lashed out on her and now me and her are not on talking terms for the moment. So now because of that I made the choice to be 20% homeless, the reason Im choosing to be homeless is because I want to try and do this 3 year plan where this year I'm going to try and save up for a motorcycle and if that ends up successful I'm going to save up and take CDL classes so I can have better job opportunities and then after that I'm going to save up and move to Austin to try and start a new third life. Oh and the other percentage of why im homeless,70% is on my Ex and 10% is because of my cousin
Im ok physically besides being fat,im gonna try and work out
Im ok financially,i have no worries ill be able to buy/pay all that i need
But im so tired MENTALLY,tired of ALL that i had to deal with and STILL have to push through for WHATEVER reason
Im tired socailly because it seems like ALMOST everyone that i ever loved either cant or dont care about me. And I'mma try to make connections so I don't feel isolated/lonely but I know of my current situation I won't be able to make meaningful connections (I think)
Emotionally im so sad for how my life has turned out now and how its been up to this point. I feel so hopeless like my life can only get sadder and that there is no love or stability for me. And that if there is it will require me to be by myself. I want to be angry but I know if I do I'll seem like the bad guy
How do i keep going on?

Hi,my name is JJPM. Im originally from Oak Cliff,Dallas,Texas(ive been there for 18 Years). I have a Mom,Dad,Brother,Sister,Aunt,Cousins,Uncle,and only 1 Person that i consider a True/Best Friend. I guess MY life started to go down when i was little. Not sure why they fought but my Mom and Dad did and she left soon after with my Sister and i didnt see her again till later in my life. My dad was physically abusive to me and my brother,not all the time but when he did,he did. Then sometime when i was between Elementary-Middle School someone who was my dads friend (a Woman) came into my life and she became a Mother to me,along with HER daughter who became like a Sister to me (and as of Now i still consider her my sister and vice versa). But my dad and the Woman were on&off (mostly cause of my dad) and she was in and out of my life. During my School Years i felt like a loser and was lonely pretty much with no real friends,even in Highschool when i joined the Football Program i was still a loser and never got along with MOST of my Teammates (besides a FEW) with the only REAL connections being my Coachs. But i guess i wasnt truly alone/by myself because i was VERY close to 2 of my OLDER cousins,when i first met them i was in Highechool so they would be in their late teens/Early 20's,idk,(as of me writing this im 20 and their 25 and 27 i believe). Idk how or why we became so close but they were people i looked up to and loved so much (not like Alabama)and them back,to give you an Example they would invite me to places when they had no reason to other than out of the kindness of their heart(their own boyfriends place for all of us to Hang Out,including in the holidays. Anime Conventions. And would ask me if i would like to hang out). But i was very immature with them,i never did anything crazy but i would act/do stuff that would make them either keep their distance from me or cut me from their life. During one of my Teen Birthdays (i dont remember which one) my dads friends daughter drank some big bottle of beer with one of her friends (i think) and my dad,along with my aunt confronted her but im not sure WHY she did it but she try to struck my aunt and it just turned to a whole thing. Because of that my family and my dads friends family never got along and thats when i believe things went down for the 2nd Time in my Life. After that things were ALRIGHT to say the least,My Dad had started a Relationship with a MUCH younger woman who was the niece of our neighbor,i still kept in contact with my dads friend/their daughter but my Aunts side of the Family really didnt like me doing it (but i felt like it would be wrong to cut them,especially since they had always been good to me,even after all that),but overall things were normal. But even after all that my dad still hadnt change and even though he didnt abuse me as much because i was now bigger he still fought with me and treated my brother wrong ALONG with the Younger Woman. So i stepped up to him more than ever and that made things more tense between us than they already were. So this part of the story is when i considered my life went down for the 3rd time in my life. It was 2020 and im pretty sure it was down for everyone but still. I dont remember how or why other than a disagreement and misunderstanding on MY part but because of those 2 my cousins had cut me off from their life for the 1st time and it REALLY devastated me (soon after that i had met my 1st Ever Boyfriend,now Ex and things went pretty good from there). After a couple of weeks i had decided to walk/run at a Park near me in the Middle Of The Night and so i went but for WHATEVER reason my Dad thought i was doing some BAD and called/picked me up to "confront" me and because he was saying stuff that made me look like the bad guy i attacked him,nothing serious just TRIED to scratch his face,and so because of that he stopped the car,called the police on me,and got me sent to jail. My time in Jail i guess would be the right way to put it was very traumatic,i was only in there for a Week cause it was my 1st Time and because it was my 1st Time my first offense was expunged but still. After i got out of jail i called my dads friend to help me out and she gladly did but it was only for a little while because i had to go BACK with my dad or SOMEONE my dad approved of because at the time i was 17 and CPS was called and they said i couldnt stay with them so they had me stay with ANOTHER female friend of my dad. And my time with her was alright but very unpleasent. They werent bad people by any means but they were republican and i felt very uncomfortable. But throughout all that my then Boyfriend helped me through all of it and i had planed to Visist him/meet him in person for the 1st time in San Antonio. Later in early 2021 i believe i was kicked out of my dads friends house because of how i was unmessy and she couldnt take it anymore. So when she dropped me off with my dad he was said cause of what he did and wanted to make ammends with me and i relunctantly accepeted it cause i had nowhere else to go by then and things went alright between us from then on. Now its late 2021 either in the summer or fall,i had saved up to visit my 1st Boyfriend(now Ex) and my 1st time with him in person was one of my happiest moments with him. When i had came back from San Antonio things were pretty good. But a couple of Weeks after i came back is when my life had gone down for the 4th time. I don't remember exactly when it happened but I was at home eating and my brother had come back from work and he must have had a bad day or something because when I greeted him he gave me attitude and so I did what everyone else has told me to do when someone is bad to me and either i don't talk to them,don't interact with them,or don't be in the same room with them. But when i did he started talking shit and so we both fought and afterwarfs he called the police on me. Now at the time i couldve just snatched the phone from him or ran when he did call the police. But I was pretty confident that I wouldn't be in any trouble so I stayed to prove my innocence. So after he did that my dad and the younger woman came home and we told them what happened and so everybody just went to the rooms and the cops eventually did come late at night around 1:00 a.m.. The cops talked to me and my brother and both cops said that my brother was in the wrong and that he had no reason to call the cops for a family matter. But even though they said that they still had to take me in because I had just turned 18 at the time and he was technically a minor being 17 or 16 I don't remember. So for the second time in my life a family member call the cops on me and sent me to jail. And this time the Chargers were more serious, so I had called my Dad's friend to help me out, and apparently while I was in jail my dad was going to help me but he was going to have me be in jail for a month or two to "teach me a lesson". So after my Dad's friend got me out of jail I stayed with her and I was going to stay with her and try to build up my life with her. But during that time, not even a week had passed and for some reason she accused me of fighting my dad over the younger woman. And so because of that accusation I did what she as well as my dad and everyone else has told me and walked out of the apartment she was living at and stayed out for the rest of the night. But for whatever reason she wanted me out of the apartment and basically kick me to the streets. So because of that her daughter had hit up one of my cousins and so i went to live with them and my aunt for a week. Then after that week I had a called my bf(now ex) and told them everything that had happend and so i gathered up my things and went to san antonio to start a new life. Now its 2022 i had just move in with my then bf(now ex) and overall things were pretty good when i was there. We did get into little fights and little arguments but overall it seemed like my life could have gone great. But i was wrong. The house me and my bf(now ex) were living at was his grandpas house and his brother was there too. His Grandpas had started to get sick and eventually was put in Hospice and past away soon afterwards. And after that happend it must have really hit my bf(now ex) hard because soon afterwards me and him were scrambling to find somewhere to live cause all of this was so sudden and for him it was a big change. Not JUST because his grandpa died,but because his own world had ended and had to face challenges he himself didnt have to face/worry about before. To the best of my memory it was like for him his world completely turned upside down. Luckily for BOTH of us me and him were able to live with his dads girlfriend in New Braunfels in a room she rented to us and it would have been a blessing if she didnt charge us right away,making us have debt with her. But once we dealt with that he broke down,rightfully so and i was there to console him and all that. We both got jobs and started to settle in afterwards. But i can tell my bf(now ex) was shaken by it. Especially when one night he told me that he wanted to move out to a hotel and eventually back to San Antonio and for WHATEVER reason he said he would do it with or WITHOUT me and i broke down crying and convulsing because he wanted to ditch me even though we were BOTH going through all this,but he went back to his senses so me and him decided to do just that. So we did,and after 2022 ended me and him moved to a motel in the beginning of 2023 and started saving up to get an apartment back in San Antonio. During this time he he started drinking more than usual,to the point where he would pass out and lock me out of the motel and I would get on his ass because of his excessive drinking and what it does. So we fought more. Not to mention he wanted to get a puppy/dog,even though I knew deep down neither me nor him would be responsible to take care of him and all that,but no,he still got the dog regardless. So around March or April of 2023 me and him along with the dog eventually moved back to San Antonio into an apartment. And I was feeling pretty hopeful again because I thought that now that we are back in his home City,we had a place of our own,and that he had a pet of his own,hed finally go back to being happy before his Grandpa died. But no for WHATEVER reason he was still sad and got even more depressed than he ever was,to the point where he drank even MORE than what he did in the motel,to the point where he wasn't taking care of the puppy and he had drank himself out of his first job. So of course I got mad at him and I berated him and we both fought. I even tried to contact his family to try to help him with whatever he was dealing with but they were no help throughout all of this in fact I'd say they just let whatever happen. And so because of the state he was in whether drunk or sober,in the summer of 2023 towards the end he started to cheat on me. And his rationale for doing so was because he was young,he didn't want to settle,he wanted to be "free",he wanted to be gay, he wanted to be sexual,and that he said he had no more love for me,for this relationship. And that really threw me off the deep end,to the point where I started being more physical towards him,because of the anguish and sadness and anger I fell for what he did. For how he's ruining the relationship how he doesn't care about me. All that. I contacted whoever I can from my aunt,to both my sisters, to my cousins,my friend,even his family. And you know they did all they could but I had to do something about it myself and that was either move away from him or move back to Dallas. So this is Late 2023,i had just spent a mediiocre thanksgiving and a VERY sad christmas alone. So I went back to Dallas for New Year's Eve and spent a pretty good time with my aunt's side of the family. And during my stay there one of my cousins suggested that me and her could move in and I want to make this very clear she had suggested and I had asked her multiple times if she was serious / if it's possible and all the times she had told me yes. So with that confirmation on my way back to San Antonio I had told my then boyfriend(now ex) that I finally accepted the breakup and he was more than happy to hear that,though in a very "finally🙄" attituted. So remember that cousin I mentioned?, well now it's early February of 2024 and out of nowhere she sent me a text saying that she might buy a vehicle and that she might go to college and won't have enough funds for me and her to move in together and even though now she didn't end up getting the vehicle or college I was pretty upset and lashed out on her and now me and her are not on talking terms for the moment. So now because of that I made the choice to be 20% homeless, the reason Im choosing to be homeless is because I want to try and do this 3 year plan where this year I'm going to try and save up for a motorcycle and if that ends up successful I'm going to save up and take CDL classes so I can have better job opportunities and then after that I'm going to save up and move to Austin to try and start a new third life. Oh and the other percentage of why im homeless,70% is on my Ex and 10% is because of my cousin
Im ok physically besides being fat,im gonna try and work out
Im ok financially,i have no worries ill be able to buy/pay all that i need
But im so tired MENTALLY,tired of ALL that i had to deal with and STILL have to push through for WHATEVER reason
Im tired socailly because it seems like ALMOST everyone that i ever loved either cant or dont care about me. And I'mma try to make connections so I don't feel isolated/lonely but I know of my current situation I won't be able to make meaningful connections (I think)
Emotionally im so sad for how my life has turned out now and how its been up to this point. I feel so hopeless like my life can only get sadder and that there is no love or stability for me. And that if there is it will require me to be by myself. I want to be angry but I know if I do I'll seem like the bad guy
How do i keep going on?

Hi,my name is Jose Jorge Perez Martinez. Im originally from Oak Cliff,Dallas,Texas(ive been there for 18 Years). I have a Mom,Dad,Brother,Sister,Aunt,Cousins,Uncle,and only 1 Person that i consider a True/Best Friend. I guess MY life started to go down when i was little. Not sure why they fought but my Mom and Dad did and she left soon after with my Sister and i didnt see her again till later in my life. My dad was physically abusive to me and my brother,not all the time but when he did,he did. Then sometime when i was between Elementary-Middle School someone who was my dads friend (a Woman) came into my life and she became a Mother to me,along with HER daughter who became like a Sister to me (and as of Now i still consider her my sister and vice versa). But my dad and the Woman were on&off (mostly cause of my dad) and she was in and out of my life. During my School Years i felt like a loser and was lonely pretty much with no real friends,even in Highschool when i joined the Football Program i was still a loser and never got along with MOST of my Teammates (besides a FEW) with the only REAL connections being my Coachs. But i guess i wasnt truly alone/by myself because i was VERY close to 2 of my OLDER cousins,when i first met them i was in Highechool so they would be in their late teens/Early 20's,idk,(as of me writing this im 20 and their 25 and 27 i believe). Idk how or why we became so close but they were people i looked up to and loved so much (not like Alabama)and them back,to give you an Example they would invite me to places when they had no reason to other than out of the kindness of their heart(their own boyfriends place for all of us to Hang Out,including in the holidays. Anime Conventions. And would ask me if i would like to hang out). But i was very immature with them,i never did anything crazy but i would act/do stuff that would make them either keep their distance from me or cut me from their life. During one of my Teen Birthdays (i dont remember which one) my dads friends daughter drank some big bottle of beer with one of her friends (i think) and my dad,along with my aunt confronted her but im not sure WHY she did it but she try to struck my aunt and it just turned to a whole thing. Because of that my family and my dads friends family never got along and thats when i believe things went down for the 2nd Time in my Life. After that things were ALRIGHT to say the least,My Dad had started a Relationship with a MUCH younger woman who was the niece of our neighbor,i still kept in contact with my dads friend/their daughter but my Aunts side of the Family really didnt like me doing it (but i felt like it would be wrong to cut them,especially since they had always been good to me,even after all that),but overall things were normal. But even after all that my dad still hadnt change and even though he didnt abuse me as much because i was now bigger he still fought with me and treated my brother wrong ALONG with the Younger Woman. So i stepped up to him more than ever and that made things more tense between us than they already were. So this part of the story is when i considered my life went down for the 3rd time in my life. It was 2020 and im pretty sure it was down for everyone but still. I dont remember how or why other than a disagreement and misunderstanding on MY part but because of those 2 my cousins had cut me off from their life for the 1st time and it REALLY devastated me (soon after that i had met my 1st Ever Boyfriend,now Ex and things went pretty good from there). After a couple of weeks i had decided to walk/run at a Park near me in the Middle Of The Night and so i went but for WHATEVER reason my Dad thought i was doing some BAD and called/picked me up to "confront" me and because he was saying stuff that made me look like the bad guy i attacked him,nothing serious just TRIED to scratch his face,and so because of that he stopped the car,called the police on me,and got me sent to jail. My time in Jail i guess would be the right way to put it was very traumatic,i was only in there for a Week cause it was my 1st Time and because it was my 1st Time my first offense was expunged but still. After i got out of jail i called my dads friend to help me out and she gladly did but it was only for a little while because i had to go BACK with my dad or SOMEONE my dad approved of because at the time i was 17 and CPS was called and they said i couldnt stay with them so they had me stay with ANOTHER female friend of my dad. And my time with her was alright but very unpleasent. They werent bad people by any means but they were republican and i felt very uncomfortable. But throughout all that my then Boyfriend helped me through all of it and i had planed to Visist him/meet him in person for the 1st time in San Antonio. Later in early 2021 i believe i was kicked out of my dads friends house because of how i was unmessy and she couldnt take it anymore. So when she dropped me off with my dad he was said cause of what he did and wanted to make ammends with me and i relunctantly accepeted it cause i had nowhere else to go by then and things went alright between us from then on. Now its late 2021 either in the summer or fall,i had saved up to visit my 1st Boyfriend(now Ex) and my 1st time with him in person was one of my happiest moments with him. When i had came back from San Antonio things were pretty good. But a couple of Weeks after i came back is when my life had gone down for the 4th time. I don't remember exactly when it happened but I was at home eating and my brother had come back from work and he must have had a bad day or something because when I greeted him he gave me attitude and so I did what everyone else has told me to do when someone is bad to me and either i don't talk to them,don't interact with them,or don't be in the same room with them. But when i did he started talking shit and so we both fought and afterwarfs he called the police on me. Now at the time i couldve just snatched the phone from him or ran when he did call the police. But I was pretty confident that I wouldn't be in any trouble so I stayed to prove my innocence. So after he did that my dad and the younger woman came home and we told them what happened and so everybody just went to the rooms and the cops eventually did come late at night around 1:00 a.m.. The cops talked to me and my brother and both cops said that my brother was in the wrong and that he had no reason to call the cops for a family matter. But even though they said that they still had to take me in because I had just turned 18 at the time and he was technically a minor being 17 or 16 I don't remember. So for the second time in my life a family member call the cops on me and sent me to jail. And this time the Chargers were more serious, so I had called my Dad's friend to help me out, and apparently while I was in jail my dad was going to help me but he was going to have me be in jail for a month or two to "teach me a lesson". So after my Dad's friend got me out of jail I stayed with her and I was going to stay with her and try to build up my life with her. But during that time, not even a week had passed and for some reason she accused me of fighting my dad over the younger woman. And so because of that accusation I did what she as well as my dad and everyone else has told me and walked out of the apartment she was living at and stayed out for the rest of the night. But for whatever reason she wanted me out of the apartment and basically kick me to the streets. So because of that her daughter had hit up one of my cousins and so i went to live with them and my aunt for a week. Then after that week I had a called my bf(now ex) and told them everything that had happend and so i gathered up my things and went to san antonio to start a new life. Now its 2022 i had just move in with my then bf(now ex) and overall things were pretty good when i was there. We did get into little fights and little arguments but overall it seemed like my life could have gone great. But i was wrong. The house me and my bf(now ex) were living at was his grandpas house and his brother was there too. His Grandpas had started to get sick and eventually was put in Hospice and past away soon afterwards. And after that happend it must have really hit my bf(now ex) hard because soon afterwards me and him were scrambling to find somewhere to live cause all of this was so sudden and for him it was a big change. Not JUST because his grandpa died,but because his own world had ended and had to face challenges he himself didnt have to face/worry about before. To the best of my memory it was like for him his world completely turned upside down. Luckily for BOTH of us me and him were able to live with his dads girlfriend in New Braunfels in a room she rented to us and it would have been a blessing if she didnt charge us right away,making us have debt with her. But once we dealt with that he broke down,rightfully so and i was there to console him and all that. We both got jobs and started to settle in afterwards. But i can tell my bf(now ex) was shaken by it. Especially when one night he told me that he wanted to move out to a hotel and eventually back to San Antonio and for WHATEVER reason he said he would do it with or WITHOUT me and i broke down crying and convulsing because he wanted to ditch me even though we were BOTH going through all this,but he went back to his senses so me and him decided to do just that. So we did,and after 2022 ended me and him moved to a motel in the beginning of 2023 and started saving up to get an apartment back in San Antonio. During this time he he started drinking more than usual,to the point where he would pass out and lock me out of the motel and I would get on his ass because of his excessive drinking and what it does. So we fought more. Not to mention he wanted to get a puppy/dog,even though I knew deep down neither me nor him would be responsible to take care of him and all that,but no,he still got the dog regardless. So around March or April of 2023 me and him along with the dog eventually moved back to San Antonio into an apartment. And I was feeling pretty hopeful again because I thought that now that we are back in his home City,we had a place of our own,and that he had a pet of his own,hed finally go back to being happy before his Grandpa died. But no for WHATEVER reason he was still sad and got even more depressed than he ever was,to the point where he drank even MORE than what he did in the motel,to the point where he wasn't taking care of the puppy and he had drank himself out of his first job. So of course I got mad at him and I berated him and we both fought. I even tried to contact his family to try to help him with whatever he was dealing with but they were no help throughout all of this in fact I'd say they just let whatever happen. And so because of the state he was in whether drunk or sober,in the summer of 2023 towards the end he started to cheat on me. And his rationale for doing so was because he was young,he didn't want to settle,he wanted to be "free",he wanted to be gay, he wanted to be sexual,and that he said he had no more love for me,for this relationship. And that really threw me off the deep end,to the point where I started being more physical towards him,because of the anguish and sadness and anger I fell for what he did. For how he's ruining the relationship how he doesn't care about me. All that. I contacted whoever I can from my aunt,to both my sisters, to my cousins,my friend,even his family. And you know they did all they could but I had to do something about it myself and that was either move away from him or move back to Dallas. So this is Late 2023,i had just spent a mediiocre thanksgiving and a VERY sad christmas alone. So I went back to Dallas for New Year's Eve and spent a pretty good time with my aunt's side of the family. And during my stay there one of my cousins suggested that me and her could move in and I want to make this very clear she had suggested and I had asked her multiple times if she was serious / if it's possible and all the times she had told me yes. So with that confirmation on my way back to San Antonio I had told my then boyfriend(now ex) that I finally accepted the breakup and he was more than happy to hear that,though in a very "finally🙄" attituted. So remember that cousin I mentioned?, well now it's early February of 2024 and out of nowhere she sent me a text saying that she might buy a vehicle and that she might go to college and won't have enough funds for me and her to move in together and even though now she didn't end up getting the vehicle or college I was pretty upset and lashed out on her and now me and her are not on talking terms for the moment. So now because of that I made the choice to be 20% homeless, the reason Im choosing to be homeless is because I want to try and do this 3 year plan where this year I'm going to try and save up for a motorcycle and if that ends up successful I'm going to save up and take CDL classes so I can have better job opportunities and then after that I'm going to save up and move to Austin to try and start a new third life. Oh and the other percentage of why im homeless,70% is on my Ex and 10% is because of my cousin
Im ok physically besides being fat,im gonna try and work out
Im ok financially,i have no worries ill be able to buy/pay all that i need
But im so tired MENTALLY,tired of ALL that i had to deal with and STILL have to push through for WHATEVER reason
Im tired socailly because it seems like ALMOST everyone that i ever loved either cant or dont care about me. And I'mma try to make connections so I don't feel isolated/lonely but I know of my current situation I won't be able to make meaningful connections (I think)
Emotionally im so sad for how my life has turned out now and how its been up to this point. I feel so hopeless like my life can only get sadder and that there is no love or stability for me. And that if there is it will require me to be by myself. I want to be angry but I know if I do I'll seem like the bad guy
How do i keep going on?

The ball streaked towards little Jimmy Hanson, covering the distance uncomfortably fast. The scrawny boy two sizes too small with the aviator glasses, cringed out of the way. It landed directly where he had been standing, and like that the game ended.
“Damnit Jimmy, you're supposed to catch the ball not hide from it!” a fat kid with a glove on one hand cried.
A skinny boy with glasses turned from the pitcher's mound to look at Jimmy disdain clearly visible on his face, “This is the third run you’ve allowed, and you wonder why we never let you play with us. You’re dog shit! Actually, I apologize to all loads of shit out there, you’re even more useless. I’d prefer to have Roger Morris on our team and he can’t see a damn thing with those bug eyes.”
An easy-going boy with blonde shaggy hair and a confident smile strolled up to Jimmy, extending his hand to assist, and said, “Here let me help you up. After all, you're the best player on our team. MVP hands down. Come on boys, give him a cheer!”
The boys chanted Jimmy’s name in a mocking parade of triumph.
“I don’t need your help, David,” said Jimmy.
Dirt smeared and face growing hot, the embarrassed boy attempted to climb to his feet. The hand extended to help, struck lightning-fast, catching the smaller boy squarely in the chest. With a groan of pain, the dirty boy hit the ground for the second time that afternoon.
“Well, if I knew you liked to eat dirt so much, I never would’ve offered to help,” said David, a wolfish smile forming on the landscape of his face.
A chorus of cruel laughter echoed all around.
“I hate you David Baxly,” said the wheezing boy.
David looked at Jimmy with disgust, giving him a savage kick to his left kidney. “Why don’t you do us all a favor and die. I doubt even your family would miss you.”
The rest of the boys walked away leaving the bleeding Jimmy whimpering on the ground.
No longer crying from pain but seething anger, slowly he began to crawl to his feet. “I wish I could go somewhere else. Just pick up and move and never have to see those shitheads ever again,” said Jimmy speaking to no one in particular.
It was thoughts of revenge that occupied his mind, half-baked plans, he didn't have the courage to act upon. No matter, it wasn’t revenge he truly sought, but a friend. The idea of having people look at him and truly see him. Humiliation for David Baxly was just an added bonus.
The bloody boy was still fantasizing about these things, when he found himself staring at the intersection of Jackson and main street in the sleepy town of Brookhollow, Tennessee. Brookhollow is like many rural towns, so tiny that it doesn’t even appear on the map. There are 876 residents in the tight-knit community, according to the 2008 census. Main street boasts one general store, a gas station, the town hall, and Debbie’s Diner.
It was on the outside of the later building that he saw the missing sign of Jack Dunkin, a 12-year-old boy from a neighboring town a few miles to the west. Jack was from Polk, a slightly larger town and known rival to Brookhollow. Even though Jack was in the same grade as Jimmy, they had never met.
Jimmy looked at the picture and saw that the boy had been missing for nearly 3 months. He wondered how his mom would react if he was missing that long; he reached the conclusion that she probably wouldn’t even notice. Ever since she took that job at Debbie’s to pay for the remainder of her husband’s gambling debts, she was hardly even home.
She was gone when he woke and didn't come back too well after he was asleep. The only time Jimmy had any communication with Laura Hanson was on Sundays. Even this small exposure was tainted by the bone deep exhaustion. She may have been present, even so, she wasn't there. Laura wakes, eats, drinks, uses the bathroom; yet she isn't really living. She reminded the boy of those cheesy horror movies they sometimes play late at night. The walking dead.
As little as his interaction with Laura, at least she still lived in the ramshackle motorhome right off the main highway. His dad, if he even still qualified to be called that, left some time back, draining the joint bank account and leaving the two of them penniless. Jimmy didn’t even know where he stayed, let alone had a phone number for the bastard. A few years back he received a postcard from him. He was shelled up in some two-bit motel in the thriving city of Las Vegas. On the back of the card was a charming little note, it said, “Jimmy, I wish you could see the city. Maybe you could come out and visit. I’d love for you to come and hang with my friends. Ps. Could you have your mom send me some money, I’m in a little bit of trouble here.
This led to his first real fight with his mom. He was adamant on going and meeting his father, thinking that if he got to know him he could change him. Bring him back. His mom wanted nothing to do with the man, nor did she want her son to be hurt again. The argument got heated and words were exchanged. In the end, he stayed, but some things chafe over time. Things were never quite the same.
If the boy was honest with himself, he would have to admit there is no one in his life. He has no friends in school, there is no one waiting for him at home, and he is not a part of any extracurricular activities. He goes to school, comes home, does his homework, makes dinner for his mom, and goes to bed. It has never occurred to him that he is lonely, the fact is he has never known anything else.
Jimmy doesn’t actually live in Brookhollow, his house is about two miles north up highway 29. He lives outside of the school’s jurisdiction, so he is unable to take the bus. He walks to school every day. The walk is peaceful and he actually looks forward to it. The boy possesses an overactive imagination and gets lost in his fantasies. A little less today, his ribs ache with every step. But not even this inconvenience can ruin the solitary 2-mile trek back home. He makes no turns, highway 29 is main street. All he needs to do is walk straight and he will arrive at his house.
But he is not walking in rural Tennessee anymore. He is a pioneer exploring the Great Frontier. Native Americans and wolves stalk him at night, he must be aware of the dangers that lie beyond every turn. He can see his way through any situation with the help of his trusty companion and best friend, One-eyed Pete. Pete used to be an outlaw that robbed and cheated people, but changed his ways when Jimmy saved him from being hung on the hanging tree.
A shutter runs through his body every time he remembers the hanging tree. It’s the largest oak he had ever seen. He loves to climb trees but would never dream of climbing that one. It is twisted, not a single leaf on its branches. If evil was ever a location, it would be at the heart of that gnarled tree. Jimmy doesn’t like to think about it. It always seems to ruin his mood. Poison his mind. His fantasies always turn darker when he thinks of the oak.
Suddenly he is aware of exactly how alone he is. A full mile out from the safety of the town. No one is nearby. It’s just him, the trees, and his own tormented imagination. He wishes he wouldn’t have thought of that tree. He wishes he had a dad to pick him up from school, but there is no rescue for him. In Jimmy’s experience, heroes only exist in the story books.
“The hanging tree is in your mind, Jimmy, it isn't real,” he tells himself over and over as if to ward away evil. And why not? For that tree is most definitely evil, the hideous villain in an insidious plot.
In the primal portion of his mind, he senses danger. The same skittish feeling the antelope experiences shortly before the concealed lion pounces and feasts on flesh.
“Trees don’t eat little boys,” murmurs the frightened boy.
“Maybe so, yet that oak could hardly be classified in the same league as other trees,” responds his own treasonous thoughts.
The boy's mind splinters; warring factions jockeying for supremacy. Paranoia seizes him, inky black hands clawing the air out of his lungs. A young boy unaware of the inward mutiny happening amidst his own wits, completely left to his own demented imagination. Yet, the stakes of this adventure are a great deal higher than any he has yet to experience.
His mother was fond of telling him, “What you think, you become.”
A truly awful thought slinks into his mind unbidden. What if the stories his mind conjures could gain reality too? The thought overwhelms the boy. His eyes shift back and forth searching for threats. Jimmy’s senses are keen to his surroundings. Every twig snapping, a creature stalking. Every bush rustling, a hungry beast ready to devour. Yet, the petty fears of a child's tormented mind pales to the unearthly wrongness of the hanging tree.
“What if mom is right?” says the concerned boy to the emptiness. At this unwelcome thought the boy slams his eyes closed in a futile attempt to banish the horrific idea.
“The hanging tree isn’t real,” says Jimmy, knowing in his heart this isn’t true. In the back of his mind, the boy is certain that the moment he opens his eyes, he will see it. He will see the strands of rope dangling from the gnarled branches. He will smell the smell of decaying bodies. He will hear the creak of rope swaying gently in the cool breeze.
The boy doubles his efforts in a vain attempt to keep his eyes closed. He sees red due to the strain he is putting on his muscles. He hears the steady pulse of his blood rushing in his head. The boy also understands that all this effort is for naught. He must open his eyes at some point. Jealousy creeps into the boy’s heart. Envy for the man born without sight. For the boy understands the moment he sees, there will be no coming back.
The moment has come.
Jimmy can no longer keep his eyes shut. Seconds before his eyes fling open, he feels the gentle touch of someone's hand on his shoulder. This touch startles him, and the boy throws wide his eyes.
Sure enough a few hundred yards in front of him, stands the abomination. A lone tree on the top of a bald, scarred hill. Not a living thing to be seen. No vegetation growing on the hill, no squirrels scuttling about, just a great oak, standing; an obscene gesture to the god of this world. The only fruit of this tree the decaying flesh of dead men, and likewise, the only cup the curdled blood of those hanging. A final meal set for the boy, an unholy communion.
The hand, whose was it? Was it even human? The little boy left visibly shaking at the touch of the unknown. Is this death? The icy grip of the Reaper himself here to harvest with his scythe. No marriage, no children, not knowing the pleasures of true friendship. Life cut short, a lamentable state of affairs.
It was in this line of thought, where true courage was mustered. A strength measured not by the size of his muscles or the amount one could lift, but the more impressive type, the type quantified in the amount of shit one can wade. Identified in the amount of crap hands dealt without bowing out altogether. Young Jimmy Hanson did the unthinkable, he turned and faced death looking it in the eyes.
Eyes, yes, but death perhaps not. It was no titan of horror, nor was it the poster child of demented evil. Child it was, but this boy was familiar. Not anyone from his class, yet he knew the boy. In a moment of clarity, he recognized him. It was the missing kid, Jack Dunkin.
He looked identical to the poster on the side of Debbie’s Diner. He wore the same black and white Van’s tee shirt, ripped blue jeans, and some tattered Nike tennis shoes. The thoroughly terrified Jimmy stood staring at the missing boy, mouth ajar.
Jack with an easy-going grin plastered on his face, said, “It's about time, someone comes looking for me. I've been waiting for you Jimmy, far too long.”
With an audible click the boy shut his gaping mouth and responded, “Ja- Jack, you've been missing for nearly three months. Have you been out here all along? Are you alone? Are you hurt?” Jimmy fired these questions in rapid succession, growing more suspicious with each word.
“I’ve been right here, waiting for you to come and play with me. You see, I am like you. I never had anyone to play with either. Now you are here, and you must stay with me,” said the bigger boy with a smile on his face.
Jimmy’s mind quieted, for the first time in his life he saw himself clearly. A boy with no friends, no father, hardly a mother, bullied every day, and no way of escape. Clarity revealed the harsh truth. A day had not gone by that he wasn’t lonely. There was no one in his life. There was no life for him.
The undersized boy looked at the other with longing in his eyes. He thirsted for a friend, like a man lost at sea. He hungered for companionship, like a man stuck in the wilderness. It wasn’t just a desire; he was desperate for a friend. If the bigger boy would leave, Jimmy felt as if his soul would tear in half. His heart would shatter into a thousand pieces unable to be put back together. The boys' eyes were a mirror reflecting the same sad truth, they understood each other. Both had lived, and neither had anyone to share it with.
The boys bound by shared hardships grasped onto each other refusing to let go. The combined burden of loneliness lessened by two backs, instead of one.
With few words exchanged, the two of them created soul ties. Not the ties of lovers, but of lifelong friends. The type one dies for. The rare type of friendship that most people never form in their entire life. It was rich. It was wholesome. Jimmy felt as if his life was complete. The one thing he always desired truly fulfilled.
Jack grabbed the smaller boy’s hand and guided him towards the tree.
Jimmy, not wanting to get anywhere near that monstrosity, tried to pull back.
“Don’t worry. The tree is a good place. It will take us to a new land filled with boys and girls just like you and I. No David’s or bullies like him,” said a smiling Jack.
“How did you know about David? You’ve been missing all this time,” said a concerned looking Jimmy.
“Jimmy, I hear whispers. My friends tell me things. They will tell you secrets too. If you want to be friends with me, that is.” The bigger boy looked down at his ragged shoes. He looked so pitiful and Jimmy was so starved for companionship, how could he not follow the boy.
Jack led the two of them to the scarred trunk of the tree. Here he let go of Jimmy’s hand, telling the boy, “Do exactly what I do.”
Jimmy’s fear bottled up deep in his guts. He felt as if he was going to explode. The tree was sinister and twisted. Evil through and through. Yet, the little boy had never had a friend. He was not willing to throw that away so easily.
Jack walked to the lowest hanging branch. He reached up and grabbed one of the dangling nooses. He wrapped it around his neck and looked at Jimmy. “Don’t worry, no pain is felt. The hanging tree is magic. You’ll close your eyes on this world, and wake up in a better place with me and all of my friends,” said a smiling Jack.
“Ja-Jack, I don’t think I can do this. It seems dangerous. I need to go back home soon. My mom will be waiting for me,” said a terrified Jimmy.
A heartbroken Jack looked at the smaller boy and said, “Jimmy, I can’t believe you would lie to me. Your mom isn’t home and she wouldn’t even notice that you are missing. Come with me. I am the only one who cares for you.”
Tears streaming down the smaller boy’s face, he responded, “Please don’t make me do it! This place frightens me. Can’t you just come home with me?”
“No! This world despises people like you and me. We weren’t made for it. We were made for the hanging tree. This is where you belong,” snarled the bigger boy.
Jimmy, eyes still running, reached with trembling hands for the dangling noose. He seized it. With one final glance at his friend, the little boy placed the loop around his neck. Immediately the noose drew tight. It felt as if the tree was hauling him up by it. The boy kicked and squirmed. Trying to shout for help, but his airflow was cut off. He managed to make a choking noise, then with one final twitch all was still. Still as the glassy surface of a lake on a spring day.
Little Jimmy Hanson had finally made a friend.
The two boys remained dangling together, gently swaying in the stale autumn breeze.

The Hanging Tree

By John Westrick
The ball streaked towards little Jimmy Hanson, covering the distance uncomfortably fast. The scrawny boy two sizes too small with the aviator glasses, cringed out of the way. It landed directly where he had been standing, and like that the game ended.
“Damnit Jimmy, you're supposed to catch the ball not hide from it!” a fat kid with a glove on one hand cried.
A skinny boy with glasses turned from the pitcher's mound to look at Jimmy disdain clearly visible on his face, “This is the third run you’ve allowed, and you wonder why we never let you play with us. You’re dog shit! Actually, I apologize to all loads of shit out there, you’re even more useless. I’d prefer to have Roger Morris on our team and he can’t see a damn thing with those bug eyes.”
An easy-going boy with blonde shaggy hair and a confident smile strolled up to Jimmy, extending his hand to assist, and said, “Here let me help you up. After all, you're the best player on our team. MVP hands down. Come on boys, give him a cheer!”
The boys chanted Jimmy’s name in a mocking parade of triumph.
“I don’t need your help, David,” said Jimmy.
Dirt smeared and face growing hot, the embarrassed boy attempted to climb to his feet. The hand extended to help, struck lightning-fast, catching the smaller boy squarely in the chest. With a groan of pain, the dirty boy hit the ground for the second time that afternoon.
“Well, if I knew you liked to eat dirt so much, I never would’ve offered to help,” said David, a wolfish smile forming on the landscape of his face.
A chorus of cruel laughter echoed all around.
“I hate you David Baxly,” said the wheezing boy.
David looked at Jimmy with disgust, giving him a savage kick to his left kidney. “Why don’t you do us all a favor and die. I doubt even your family would miss you.”
The rest of the boys walked away leaving the bleeding Jimmy whimpering on the ground.
No longer crying from pain but seething anger, slowly he began to crawl to his feet. “I wish I could go somewhere else. Just pick up and move and never have to see those shitheads ever again,” said Jimmy speaking to no one in particular.
It was thoughts of revenge that occupied his mind, half-baked plans, he didn't have the courage to act upon. No matter, it wasn’t revenge he truly sought, but a friend. The idea of having people look at him and truly see him. Humiliation for David Baxly was just an added bonus.
The bloody boy was still fantasizing about these things, when he found himself staring at the intersection of Jackson and main street in the sleepy town of Brookhollow, Tennessee. Brookhollow is like many rural towns, so tiny that it doesn’t even appear on the map. There are 876 residents in the tight-knit community, according to the 2008 census. Main street boasts one general store, a gas station, the town hall, and Debbie’s Diner.
It was on the outside of the later building that he saw the missing sign of Jack Dunkin, a 12-year-old boy from a neighboring town a few miles to the west. Jack was from Polk, a slightly larger town and known rival to Brookhollow. Even though Jack was in the same grade as Jimmy, they had never met.
Jimmy looked at the picture and saw that the boy had been missing for nearly 3 months. He wondered how his mom would react if he was missing that long; he reached the conclusion that she probably wouldn’t even notice. Ever since she took that job at Debbie’s to pay for the remainder of her husband’s gambling debts, she was hardly even home.
She was gone when he woke and didn't come back too well after he was asleep. The only time Jimmy had any communication with Laura Hanson was on Sundays. Even this small exposure was tainted by the bone deep exhaustion. She may have been present, even so, she wasn't there. Laura wakes, eats, drinks, uses the bathroom; yet she isn't really living. She reminded the boy of those cheesy horror movies they sometimes play late at night. The walking dead.
As little as his interaction with Laura, at least she still lived in the ramshackle motorhome right off the main highway. His dad, if he even still qualified to be called that, left some time back, draining the joint bank account and leaving the two of them penniless. Jimmy didn’t even know where he stayed, let alone had a phone number for the bastard. A few years back he received a postcard from him. He was shelled up in some two-bit motel in the thriving city of Las Vegas. On the back of the card was a charming little note, it said, “Jimmy, I wish you could see the city. Maybe you could come out and visit. I’d love for you to come and hang with my friends. Ps. Could you have your mom send me some money, I’m in a little bit of trouble here.
This led to his first real fight with his mom. He was adamant on going and meeting his father, thinking that if he got to know him he could change him. Bring him back. His mom wanted nothing to do with the man, nor did she want her son to be hurt again. The argument got heated and words were exchanged. In the end, he stayed, but some things chafe over time. Things were never quite the same.
If the boy was honest with himself, he would have to admit there is no one in his life. He has no friends in school, there is no one waiting for him at home, and he is not a part of any extracurricular activities. He goes to school, comes home, does his homework, makes dinner for his mom, and goes to bed. It has never occurred to him that he is lonely, the fact is he has never known anything else.
Jimmy doesn’t actually live in Brookhollow, his house is about two miles north up highway 29. He lives outside of the school’s jurisdiction, so he is unable to take the bus. He walks to school every day. The walk is peaceful and he actually looks forward to it. The boy possesses an overactive imagination and gets lost in his fantasies. A little less today, his ribs ache with every step. But not even this inconvenience can ruin the solitary 2-mile trek back home. He makes no turns, highway 29 is main street. All he needs to do is walk straight and he will arrive at his house.
But he is not walking in rural Tennessee anymore. He is a pioneer exploring the Great Frontier. Native Americans and wolves stalk him at night, he must be aware of the dangers that lie beyond every turn. He can see his way through any situation with the help of his trusty companion and best friend, One-eyed Pete. Pete used to be an outlaw that robbed and cheated people, but changed his ways when Jimmy saved him from being hung on the hanging tree.
A shutter runs through his body every time he remembers the hanging tree. It’s the largest oak he had ever seen. He loves to climb trees but would never dream of climbing that one. It is twisted, not a single leaf on its branches. If evil was ever a location, it would be at the heart of that gnarled tree. Jimmy doesn’t like to think about it. It always seems to ruin his mood. Poison his mind. His fantasies always turn darker when he thinks of the oak.
Suddenly he is aware of exactly how alone he is. A full mile out from the safety of the town. No one is nearby. It’s just him, the trees, and his own tormented imagination. He wishes he wouldn’t have thought of that tree. He wishes he had a dad to pick him up from school, but there is no rescue for him. In Jimmy’s experience, heroes only exist in the story books.
“The hanging tree is in your mind, Jimmy, it isn't real,” he tells himself over and over as if to ward away evil. And why not? For that tree is most definitely evil, the hideous villain in an insidious plot.
In the primal portion of his mind, he senses danger. The same skittish feeling the antelope experiences shortly before the concealed lion pounces and feasts on flesh.
“Trees don’t eat little boys,” murmurs the frightened boy.
“Maybe so, yet that oak could hardly be classified in the same league as other trees,” responds his own treasonous thoughts.
The boy's mind splinters; warring factions jockeying for supremacy. Paranoia seizes him, inky black hands clawing the air out of his lungs. A young boy unaware of the inward mutiny happening amidst his own wits, completely left to his own demented imagination. Yet, the stakes of this adventure are a great deal higher than any he has yet to experience.
His mother was fond of telling him, “What you think, you become.”
A truly awful thought slinks into his mind unbidden. What if the stories his mind conjures could gain reality too? The thought overwhelms the boy. His eyes shift back and forth searching for threats. Jimmy’s senses are keen to his surroundings. Every twig snapping, a creature stalking. Every bush rustling, a hungry beast ready to devour. Yet, the petty fears of a child's tormented mind pales to the unearthly wrongness of the hanging tree.
“What if mom is right?” says the concerned boy to the emptiness. At this unwelcome thought the boy slams his eyes closed in a futile attempt to banish the horrific idea.
“The hanging tree isn’t real,” says Jimmy, knowing in his heart this isn’t true. In the back of his mind, the boy is certain that the moment he opens his eyes, he will see it. He will see the strands of rope dangling from the gnarled branches. He will smell the smell of decaying bodies. He will hear the creak of rope swaying gently in the cool breeze.
The boy doubles his efforts in a vain attempt to keep his eyes closed. He sees red due to the strain he is putting on his muscles. He hears the steady pulse of his blood rushing in his head. The boy also understands that all this effort is for naught. He must open his eyes at some point. Jealousy creeps into the boy’s heart. Envy for the man born without sight. For the boy understands the moment he sees, there will be no coming back.
The moment has come.
Jimmy can no longer keep his eyes shut. Seconds before his eyes fling open, he feels the gentle touch of someone's hand on his shoulder. This touch startles him, and the boy throws wide his eyes.
Sure enough a few hundred yards in front of him, stands the abomination. A lone tree on the top of a bald, scarred hill. Not a living thing to be seen. No vegetation growing on the hill, no squirrels scuttling about, just a great oak, standing; an obscene gesture to the god of this world. The only fruit of this tree the decaying flesh of dead men, and likewise, the only cup the curdled blood of those hanging. A final meal set for the boy, an unholy communion.
The hand, whose was it? Was it even human? The little boy left visibly shaking at the touch of the unknown. Is this death? The icy grip of the Reaper himself here to harvest with his scythe. No marriage, no children, not knowing the pleasures of true friendship. Life cut short, a lamentable state of affairs.
It was in this line of thought, where true courage was mustered. A strength measured not by the size of his muscles or the amount one could lift, but the more impressive type, the type quantified in the amount of shit one can wade. Identified in the amount of crap hands dealt without bowing out altogether. Young Jimmy Hanson did the unthinkable, he turned and faced death looking it in the eyes.
Eyes, yes, but death perhaps not. It was no titan of horror, nor was it the poster child of demented evil. Child it was, but this boy was familiar. Not anyone from his class, yet he knew the boy. In a moment of clarity, he recognized him. It was the missing kid, Jack Dunkin.
He looked identical to the poster on the side of Debbie’s Diner. He wore the same black and white Van’s tee shirt, ripped blue jeans, and some tattered Nike tennis shoes. The thoroughly terrified Jimmy stood staring at the missing boy, mouth ajar.
Jack with an easy-going grin plastered on his face, said, “It's about time, someone comes looking for me. I've been waiting for you Jimmy, far too long.”
With an audible click the boy shut his gaping mouth and responded, “Ja- Jack, you've been missing for nearly three months. Have you been out here all along? Are you alone? Are you hurt?” Jimmy fired these questions in rapid succession, growing more suspicious with each word.
“I’ve been right here, waiting for you to come and play with me. You see, I am like you. I never had anyone to play with either. Now you are here, and you must stay with me,” said the bigger boy with a smile on his face.
Jimmy’s mind quieted, for the first time in his life he saw himself clearly. A boy with no friends, no father, hardly a mother, bullied every day, and no way of escape. Clarity revealed the harsh truth. A day had not gone by that he wasn’t lonely. There was no one in his life. There was no life for him.
The undersized boy looked at the other with longing in his eyes. He thirsted for a friend, like a man lost at sea. He hungered for companionship, like a man stuck in the wilderness. It wasn’t just a desire; he was desperate for a friend. If the bigger boy would leave, Jimmy felt as if his soul would tear in half. His heart would shatter into a thousand pieces unable to be put back together. The boys' eyes were a mirror reflecting the same sad truth, they understood each other. Both had lived, and neither had anyone to share it with.
The boys bound by shared hardships grasped onto each other refusing to let go. The combined burden of loneliness lessened by two backs, instead of one.
With few words exchanged, the two of them created soul ties. Not the ties of lovers, but of lifelong friends. The type one dies for. The rare type of friendship that most people never form in their entire life. It was rich. It was wholesome. Jimmy felt as if his life was complete. The one thing he always desired truly fulfilled.
Jack grabbed the smaller boy’s hand and guided him towards the tree.
Jimmy, not wanting to get anywhere near that monstrosity, tried to pull back.
“Don’t worry. The tree is a good place. It will take us to a new land filled with boys and girls just like you and I. No David’s or bullies like him,” said a smiling Jack.
“How did you know about David? You’ve been missing all this time,” said a concerned looking Jimmy.
“Jimmy, I hear whispers. My friends tell me things. They will tell you secrets too. If you want to be friends with me, that is.” The bigger boy looked down at his ragged shoes. He looked so pitiful and Jimmy was so starved for companionship, how could he not follow the boy.
Jack led the two of them to the scarred trunk of the tree. Here he let go of Jimmy’s hand, telling the boy, “Do exactly what I do.”
Jimmy’s fear bottled up deep in his guts. He felt as if he was going to explode. The tree was sinister and twisted. Evil through and through. Yet, the little boy had never had a friend. He was not willing to throw that away so easily.
Jack walked to the lowest hanging branch. He reached up and grabbed one of the dangling nooses. He wrapped it around his neck and looked at Jimmy. “Don’t worry, no pain is felt. The hanging tree is magic. You’ll close your eyes on this world, and wake up in a better place with me and all of my friends,” said a smiling Jack.
“Ja-Jack, I don’t think I can do this. It seems dangerous. I need to go back home soon. My mom will be waiting for me,” said a terrified Jimmy.
A heartbroken Jack looked at the smaller boy and said, “Jimmy, I can’t believe you would lie to me. Your mom isn’t home and she wouldn’t even notice that you are missing. Come with me. I am the only one who cares for you.”
Tears streaming down the smaller boy’s face, he responded, “Please don’t make me do it! This place frightens me. Can’t you just come home with me?”
“No! This world despises people like you and me. We weren’t made for it. We were made for the hanging tree. This is where you belong,” snarled the bigger boy.
Jimmy, eyes still running, reached with trembling hands for the dangling noose. He seized it. With one final glance at his friend, the little boy placed the loop around his neck. Immediately the noose drew tight. It felt as if the tree was hauling him up by it. The boy kicked and squirmed. Trying to shout for help, but his airflow was cut off. He managed to make a choking noise, then with one final twitch all was still. Still as the glassy surface of a lake on a spring day.
Little Jimmy Hanson had finally made a friend.
The two boys remained dangling together, gently swaying in the stale autumn breeze.

Wednesday May1

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Paramount	Belle & Sebastian + The Weather Station	8pm, SOLD OUT
Baby's All Right	Porridge Radio (solo)	10pm, $15

Thursday May 2

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	Lime Garden + Starcleaner Reunion	7pm, $20
Our Wicked Lady	Show Brain Punk Island benefit feat. T!LT + Abbie Roper + Caitlin Starr + Crusasis	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Puppy Angst + Trinket + Bummer Camp + Dogs on Shady Lane	8pm, $15
TV EYE	The Lemon Twigs + Thee Smashing Times	8pm, SOLD OUT
Union Pool	A Benefit for UNRWA feat. Sidney Gish + My Wonderful Boyfriend + Pearjuice	8pm, SOLD OUT

Friday May 3

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Washington Square Park	Vincent Blackshadow + Mary Shelley + Maya Lucia + Caitlin Starr	3pm, FREE
Baby's All Right	PACKS + Why Bonnie	7:30m, $20
Bowery Ballroom	SINKANE + Midnight Magic	9pm, $35
The Broadway	Pamphlets Take Your Place album release show + Colatura + Sharkswimmer	8pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	The Decemberists + Ratboys	8pm, $61
Brooklyn Steel	Panchiko + Weatherday	8pm, $35
Music Hall of Williamsburg	SlothrustOf Course You Do 10 yr anniversary + Weakened Friends	9pm, $25
Our Wicked Lady	Rights of Spring Day 1/3 feat. Bitterjoyride + Eevie Echoes (& The Locations) + High Waisted + Abbie Roper + Wetsuit + Avatareden + T@b Grrrl + Iceblynk	7pm, $25
Union Pool	Chastity trilogy tour - 3 records in 66.6 minutes	8pm, $15

Saturday May 4

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
18th Ward Brewing	NCF presents Summer Saturdays feat. The Answers In Between + The Overhead Bins + yael s. copeland + Rat Palace + The Fictionals	2pm, FREE
Brooklyn Steel	Ra Ra Riot + Low Hum	8pm, SOLD OUT
Forest Hills Stadium	SESSANTA: A 60th Birthday Celebration for Maynard James Keenan feat. Primus + Puscifer + A Perfect Circle	6pm, $70
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	Maxband record release show + Landowner + Docents	8:30pm, $15
Our Wicked Lady	Rights of Spring Day 1/3 feat. Gocco + The Canvas Collective + SORRYNOTSORRY + Debbie Dopamine + Wifeknife + The Martyr + Sex Fixx + Barnaby + Kalen	7pm, $25
The Rooftop at Pier 17	Social Distortion + Bad Religion	SOLD OUT?
Purgatory	Spite Fuxxx + NihilocerosDark Ice Balloons record release show + Two-Man Giant Squid + Brook Pridemore	7:30pm, $15
Racket	Feeble Little Horse + The Dallas Cowboys	8:30pm, $25
Terminal 5	Bayside + Finch + Armor for Sleep	8pm, $35

Sunday May 5

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Our Wicked Lady	Rights of Spring Day 2/3 feat. Gold Casio + Femcel + Shadow Monster + Frida Kill + Julia Pierce + DethRok + The Rizzos + Catty + Proprietary Energy Faggots + Just Fabulous + Majorette	4pm, $25
Arlene's Grocery	Bands do BK presents The Music Matters Day 1/3 feat. TVOD + Tetchy + A Very Special Episode + Tilden + Big Girl	7pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Sum 41 + The Interrupters + Joey Valence & Brae	7pm, $70
Roulette	Long Play Festival feat. Deerhoof + The Eileen Myles, Steve Gunn and Ryan Sawyer Trio	8:30pm, SOLD OUT
Trans-Pecos	Plight + In Blue + Glimmer + The Twin	7:30pm, $15

Monday May 6

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Arlene's Grocery	Bands do BK presents The Music Matters Day 2/3 feat. Mary Shelley + Two-Man Giant Squid + partygirl + Nevva + O. Wake	7pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Sum 41 + The Interrupters + Joey Valence & Brae	7pm, $70

Tuesday May 7

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Arlene's Grocery	Bands do BK presents The Music Matters Day 3/3 feat. SKORTS + Night Spins + Go Home + Jelly Kelly + Avatareden	7pm, $15
Baby's All Right	Babehoven + Knifeplay	7pm, $20
The Bowery Electric	Geoff Rickly of Thursday + Common Sage + Sharkswimmer	8pm, $15
Hart Bar	Harla + Grasping Straws + watergh0st + Rest Ashore	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Marblemouth + Options + Theadoore	8:30pm, $15
Warsaw	Chastity Belt	pm, $20

Wednesday May 8

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	Rosie Tucker + Bloomsday	7pm, $20
The Rooftop at Pier 17	Social Distortion + Bad Religion	6pm, SOLD OUT
Warsaw	Fontaines D.C.	8pm, SOLD OUT

Thursday May 9

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	The Wants residency + S.C.A.B. + QIRL	8:30pm, $15
Bowery Ballroom	L'Rain + Fred Moten + Brandon Lopez	9pm, $25
(le) poisson rouge	Cloud Nothings + Hurry + Home Blitz	8:30pm, $30
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Sweet Pill + Equipment + Taking Meds	8pm, $17
Trans-Pecos	Trauma Ray + Kraus + Mx Lonely + Bedridden	7:30pm, $12

Friday May 10

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bar Freda	Waterfall Strainer + Endearments + Phantom Signals + Moon Sand Land	8:30pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Say Anything Is A Real Boy 20th Anniversary Tour + AJJ + Greet Death	7:30pm, SOLD OUT
Gold Sounds	Upper Wilds + Hallelujah the Hills + KATIEE	8pm, $15
(le) poisson rouge	Combo Chimbita + Pachyman + Los Èsplifs	7pm, $30
Main Drag	Mahogany vinyl release show + My Favorite + Honeycrush + Minaxi	8pm, $15
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Cheekface + yungatita	8pm, $22
Our Wicked Lady	Fish House + Stello + Laura Galindo + Big Honey	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Trace Mountains + J.R. Bohannon	8pm, $15
Saint Vitus	TWIABP&IANLATD + CTTBOTO + Burr + Common Sage	8pm, $25
Trans-Pecos	Woolbright + Cold Wrecks + Figure Eight + Anxioushum	7:30pm, $15
Webster Hall	Psychedelic Porn Crumpets + Spoon Benders	7:30pm, $25

Saturday May 11

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Paramount	Hot Water Music 30th anniversary tour + Quicksand + Modern Life is War + The Ergs + Be Well	6pm, $40
Brooklyn Steel	Holly Humberstone + Carol Ades	8pm, $30
Mercury Lounge	McKinley Dixon	7pm, $17
Mercury Lounge	Alex Orange Drink + Tall Juan + John Gallagher Jr. + Greensleeves	9:30pm, $18
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Bad Bad Hats + PRONOUN + OK Cowgirl	8pm, $18

Sunday May 12

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Steel	Holly Humberstone + Carol Ades	8pm, $30

Monday May 13

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Carnegie Hall	The Music of Crosby, Stills & Nash feat. Todd Rundgren + Grace Potter + Taylor Meier of Caamp + Iron and Wine + Rickie Lee Jones + Shawn Colvin + Real Estate et al	8pm, $60+
TV EYE	King Bug + Big Spirit + Shadow Monster	8pm, $15

Tuesday May 14

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Forest Hills Stadium	Neil Young & Crazy Horse	7:30pm, SOLD OUT
Union Pool	Climax LandersZenith No Effects record release show + Esther's Lab + Penny + Danny Christmas	8pm, $15

Wednesday May 15

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Helmet + Cro-Mags	8pm, $30
Brooklyn Steel	Amen Dunes + Billy Woods	8pm, $30
Forest Hills Stadium	Neil Young & Crazy Horse	7:30pm, $125+
Heaven Can Wait	The Upstart Crows + TV Moms + The Last Word	7:30pm, $12
Irving Plaza	Sunny Day Real Estate 30th Anniversary Tour + Rocket	7pm, $50
National Sawdust	Julia Jacklinresidency + Squirrel Flower	8pm, SOLD OUT
Our Wicked Lady	A Very Special Episode + Toward Space + Desert Sharks + Blood of the Bull	8pm, $15
Public Records	AdHoc presents Kara Jackson + Mei Semones	8pm, SOLD OUT
Trans-Pecos	Hills to Height + Bloodsports + Percocet + Fasting	7:30pm, $15

Thursday May 16

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
18th Ward Brewing	No Jersey + Perfect Saturday + Dan Flashes + babyfang	7pm, $15
ALPHAVILLE	The Wants residency + Terminator + Pisha	8:30pm, $15
Brooklyn Made	Loosey + Miranda and The Beat + Dog Date + Sliders	8pm, $20
Brooklyn Steel	Mannequin Pussy + SoulGlo	8pm, SOLD OUT
Elsewhere - Hall	Mk.gee	8pm, SOLD OUT
Gramercy Theatre	Orgy + Cold + Horizon Theory + I Ya Toyah	6pm, $30
Irving Plaza	Sunny Day Real Estate 30th Anniversary Tour + Rocket	7pm, $50
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Les Savy Fav + Public Practice	8pm, $25
Our Wicked Lady	QWAM + Debbie Dopamine single release show + Anna Altman + Krissanthemum	8pm, $15
Public Records	AdHoc presents Kara Jackson + Anastasia Coope	8pm, SOLD OUT
Racket	Swans + Kristof Hahn	8pm, $42
Baby's All Right	Fazerdaze (solo) + Mei Seimones	10pm, $15

Friday May 17

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Narrow Head + Dazy + Wishy	8pm, $25
The Broadway	O. Wake + Endearments + hiFi	9pm, $15
Brooklyn Steel	Echo & The Bunnymen	8pm, SOLD OUT
Forest Hills Stadium	The Avett Brothers + Sierra Ferrell	7pm, $60+
Irving Plaza	Mk.gee	8pm, SOLD OUT
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Swans + Kristof Hahn	8pm, $42
Union Pool	Heavy Feather & The Magic Word + Boyscoutmarie + Rat Palace	8pm, $15

Saturday May 18

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
18th Ward Brewing	NCF presents Summer Saturdays feat. The Answers In Between + The Overhead Bins + yael s. copeland + Rat Palace + The Fictionals	2pm, FREE
2 Wyckoff Avenue	Sound Mind Music Street Festival for Mental Health feat. Kevin Morby + MisterWives + SHAED + Bailen	2pm, FREE
18th Ward Brewing	Di Ivories + BEND + North by North + LEONE	7pm, $15
ALPHAVILLE	STUY + Chronic + Exit Seraphim	8:30pm, $15
Berlin	Ringo Deathstar + Ovlov + The Veldts	7pm, SOLD OUT
Main Drag	New Vision + T!LT + Spite FuXXX + Broken Demeanor	8pm, $15
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Swans + Kristof Hahn	8pm, $42
TV EYE	Theophobia + Royale Minks + OK King	8pm, $15
Union Pool	Couvo + Big Girl + Reclining Nude	8pm, $15
Unruly Collective	Ghostie Recordings presents Castle Blacksingle release + The Rizzos + Joyce + Sorry Darling	8pm, $12
The Windjammer	Jeerleader + Alphabet City + Marinara	9pm, $15
Aboard (some boat) via Skyport Marina	Rocks Off Cruises presents Ringo Deathstar + Ovlov	Boat leaves at 11:30pm, $35

Sunday May 19

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	King Bug + The Wizard + Shira + Onward Debacle	8:30pm, $15
Bar Freda	Dollar Signs + The Big Easy + Perennial + Good Looking Friends + Strawberry Glass	8pm, $15
Berlin	Ilithios + Project Diem + Lukka + To the Wedding	7pm, $12
Brooklyn Monarch	Beach Party feat. Drain + Madball + Terror + Scowl + Regulate + End It + Trail of Lies + Private Mind	5pm, SOLD OUT
The Sultan Room	Ron Gallo (solo)	7pm, $20
Sundown	Radiator Hospital (solo) + Noun (Marissa Paternoster solo)	8pm, SOLD OUT

Monday May 20

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	GUPPY + Kenneth Takanami	7pm, $15
Bowery Ballroom	Drain + Teenage Wrist + Stand Still	8pm, $27
Sundown	Radiator Hospital (solo) + Noun (Marissa Paternoster, solo)	10pm, $25

Tuesday May 21

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
The Broadway	Gladie + Shit Present + Talking Kind + Crush Fund	8pm, $15
Purgatory	Palestine Benefit feat. Katy Kirby + Helenor + Jules Olson	8pm, $15+
Racket	CKY + Crobot	8:30pm, $30
Sony Hall	Buckethead	8pm, $45
The Sultan Room	Tredici Bacci + Ryan Power + Jolee Gordon	8pm, $20
Union Pool	Squirrel Flower (solo) + Merce Lemon	8pm, $20

Wednesday May 22

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
The Broadway	Decent Criminal + The Dracu-Las + Bummer Camp + Wifey	8pm, $15
Brooklyn Bowl	Teenage Halloween + My Son The Doctor + Tony & The Kiki + Skorts	8pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Amos Lee + special guests	7:30pm, $40
Elsewhere - Zone One	Empress Of + DJ_Dave	8pm, SOLD OUT
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Saint Vitus + The Bowery Presents present Fleshwater + Modern Color + 9Million	8pm, SOLD OUT
National Sawdust	Julia Jacklinresidency + Squirrel Flower	8pm, SOLD OUT
Radio City Music Hall	Sleep Token	8pm, SOLD OUT
Sony Hall	Buckethead	8pm, $45
The Sultan Room	Another Michael + Tenci + Raavi	8pm, $20

Thursday May 23

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	The Wantsresidency + Activity + Nara's Room Nick Cage + CS Cleaners + QIRL + Docents	8:30pm, $15
Arlene's Grocery	Yeah Baby + Coral Grief + Brother Language	7pm, $15
Bowery Ballroom	Hairpin + Bec Lauder + Kitten	8pm,
Mercury Lounge	Ben Katzman + Colleen Green	9:30pm,
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Gustaf + Edy Modica + Dead Tooth	8pm, $17
Purgatory	Sweetbreads + Slight Of + Majorette	8pm, $12
Sleepwalk	Twin Shadow performing Forget + Wynne Bennett	8pm, SOLD OUT rescheduled from March 14
Trans-Pecos	Harvey Waters + Silvia K. + S.C.A.B. + Many Shining Windows	7:30pm, $15

Friday May 24

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Strange Neighbors + Sweetbreads + Wish Queen	8:30pm, $15
Baby's All Right	Motherfolk + Kevin Devine	8pm, $30
The Broadway	Rat Motel + partygirl + This Holy Rodeo + Uncle Skunk	8pm $15
Elsewhere - Zone One	Empress Of + Petal Supply	8pm, SOLD OUT
Main Drag Music	Dad + Wifeknife + Lost Children + Other Problems + Faiders	8pm, $15
Mercury Lounge	Washer + No Lights	9:30pm, $15
Sleepwalk	Twin Shadow performing Forget + Wynne Bennett	8pm, SOLD OUT rescheduled from March 15
TV EYE	Sorry Mom debut single release show + Oolong	8pm, FREE
Union Pool	Ok Cowgirl "Little Splinters" single release show + Charlotte Rose Benjamin + Hank Heaven	8pm, $15

Saturday May 25

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	SKORTS + Boyscoutmarie + Genuine Connection + First Sex	8:30pm, $15
Brooklyn Made	Habibi album release show	8pm, $25
Elsewhere - Zone One	Empress Of + GIRL_IRL	8pm, SOLD OUT
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	Pearla + Yours Are the Only Ears	7:30pm, $16
Public Records	Salt Cathedral + NOIA	8pm, $20
Purgatory	Cardiel + Aux Blood + Laurel Canyon + Le Bang	7:30pm, $12
The Rockaway Hotel	The Heavy Heavy + Sid Simons	7pm, $30
Trans-Pecos	Leaving Time + Hollow Suns + High.	7:30pm, $15
Knockdown Center	Fatboy Slim	10pm, $30
Baby's All Right	ANTICS fundraiser feat. Shallowhalo + Kassie Krut	11pm, $20

Sunday May 26

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Sleepwalk	Twin Shadow performing Forget + Wynne Bennett	8pm, SOLD OUT rescheduled from March 15

Monday May 27 - Memorial Day

None.

Tuesday May 28

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Irving Plaza	Passion Pit	7pm, SOLD OUT

Wednesday May 29

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Head Automatica + Thoughtcrimes	8pm, $37
The Broadway	Shred Flintstone + Diet Lite + Pamphlets	8pm, $15
Irving Plaza	Passion Pit	7pm, SOLD OUT
National Sawdust	Julia Jacklinresidency + special guest	8pm, SOLD OUT
Our Wicked Lady	Royale Minks + LEONE + Grandeur + girlie curse	8pm, $15
TV EYE	Magick Potion single release show + Indigo Fuzz + Certain Death + Duel Ferns	7:30pm, $15
The Sultan Room	Shop Talk + Sleepies + Frida Kill	10pm, $15

Thursday May 30

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	Arooj Aftab album release show + guests tba	9pm, $40
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	NCF x Super Bock Stock present Lio & Steve's Colossal Birthday Bash feat. Nino Disco + Dead Tooth + Balaclava + Starcleaner Reunion + Pippy	8pm, $15
Mercury Lounge	Glom	6pm, $15
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Kacy Hill + May Rio	8pm, $22
Our Wicked Lady	Pons single release show + Wince tour kick-off show + Pop Music Fever Dream + Tea Eater	8pm, $15
Rough Trade NYC	Habibi	6pm, FREE
Trans-Pecos	Johnny Dyamite & the Bloodsuckers + Snoozer + Public Circuit + 54 Ultra	7:30pm, $15
TV EYE	Raisalka + Baked + The Zells + Dropper	8pm, $15
Union Pool	Slow Ficiton Crush EP release show + Patiently	8pm, $15
Warsaw	Shannon and the Clams + Tropa Magica	8pm, SOLD OUT

Friday May 31

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Francie Moon + Tula Vera + Wetsuit + Talon	8:30pm, $15
Gold Sounds	Richard Papiercuts + Onesie + Momsomnia + The Roulettes	8pm, $15
Market Hotel	HEAVENLY + Lightheaded	8pm, SOLD OUT
The Meadows	Bad Rabbits + Proper. + Origami Button	7pm, $25
Music Hall of Williamsburg	A Place to Bury Strangers + Suuns + JJUUJJUU	8pm, $25
Our Wicked Lady	RADAR + Substitute + Heavy Lag + The Follies	8pm, $15
The Rooftop at Pier 17	Needtobreathe + Judah & the Lion	7:30pm, $50
The Sultan Room	Finom + Frances Chang	8pm, $20
Warsaw	Passion Pit	8pm, $70

​
^{last updated May 10 at 11:27am}

Demographics
Gender: Male
Race/Ethnicity: Indian
Residence: CA
Income Bracket: 300k+
Type of School: hypercompetitive Bay Area public 😭
Hooks (Recruited Athlete, URM, First-Gen, Geographic, Legacy, etc.): Dad and Uncle MBA at SCU 💀
Intended Major(s): CSE/EECS to UC's, CS+Math to UIUC, CS everywhere else
Academics
GPA (UW/W): 3.95/4.26 for EA's, 3.9/4.28 for RD's
Rank (or percentile): school doesn't rank
of Honors/AP/IB/Dual Enrollment/etc.: 7 AP classes, took Multivar and a Data Comm/Networking class at CC
Senior Year Course Load: AP Stats, AP Physics C Mech, AP Lit, AP Spanish Lang and Culture, US Gov, Econ
Standardized Testing
SAT I: 1550 (760RW, 790M)
ACT: 33 (idrc ab the subscores i didnt submit ts anywhere)
AP/IB: 5 on CS A, English Lang/Comp, Calc BC; 4 on Physics 1
Extracurriculars/Activities
1 Small internship at this tech startup - my dad knew a colleague from a long time ago that started his own company so I reached out and got to work with his company, I had to write a Chrome extension for their engineers; learned and used JS HTML CSS (11th summer)
2 Varsity Athlete - cross country and track & field; I was pretty mid (top 7 but not top 3 type); our cross country team got an athletic scholars award after placing 11th out of like 20 schools at regionals 💀 (10-12)
3 Math Tutor Job - at a local tutoring center, was pretty on and off because of sports; worked more over summer and in the off season, taught kids anywhere from addition/subtraction to calc bc (10-12)
4 Spanish Honor Society - got nominated as a junior, became an intern halfway through the year, and became president for senior year (11-12)
5 Founded/Restarted Rubiks Cube Club - applied through 11th grade cycle, got approved for 12th grade year; president position (11-12)
6 Held two free online programming workshops over the summer - me and my friends put together some workshops where we taught kids python the first year and java the second (9-10)
7 Link Crew (11-12) - was really involved junior year but lowkey fell off in senior year 😭
8 Cultural School Volunteer (9-12) - lowkey made this seem like a lot more than it was but I've helped set up events like plays and stuff and helped teach language classes over the weekends, but seriously pretty trivial
9 NHS (11) - tutored some kids junior year but i wouldnt be able to go to the afterschool homework help thing because of sports practice so I kinda just didn't do it senior year
10 School Spirit Stuff (10-12) - participated in choreographed dance numbers for rallies and helped paint and make cardboard decorations, prepared for months in advance
Awards/Honors
1 AP Scholar with Honor 😂
2 Athlete Scholar Award in junior year t/f
3 Commended National Merit
Genuinely didn't have a 4th or a 5th award so I j left it blank 💀
Letters of Recommendation
Calc; I really liked the teacher and his class, but me and my friends trolled a lot in his class (11th) but he's also just generally not the type of guy to be super expressive about anyone
AP Lang; I really liked the teacher even though he gave me a B first semester (11th), we talked a lot about random things in and out of class, and even though I was in his class his last year of teaching, we still stayed in touch and I met with him a few times online to talk about my essays and catch up overall
Interviews
Princeton: I really liked this interview; I met up with the guy at his office in person for the interview, he really let me speak and I felt pretty comfortable sharing all the things that I came into the interview wanting to share, and he shared a lot about his experiences at Princeton
MIT: horrible interview; it was online, the lady's kids were screaming in the background and she had to mute in the middle to tell them to stfu, she kept cutting me off to ask the next completely unrelated question on her list, and she didn't really seem to understand anything I was trying to say
Essays
Common App: I honestly didn't really like this essay but don't really have an idea in mind that could have been better. I talked about overcoming the mental barrier presented by physical pain in my running journey and its effects on improving my and my family's stance on staying healthy. Just felt kinda cliche and I don't think it really got across the significance of convincing yourself it doesn't hurt when it does in order to achieve success.
Supps: random yap yap mostly; honestly the only ones that stood out were UMD because I didn't mention my major even once in my essays; talked about running, cycling, Rubiks Cube, school spirit, etc
Acceptances:
UC Irvine CS and Engineering (UC) (Committed!!)
UMD CS (EA)
Case Western Reserve CS (Deferred EA -> Accepted RD)
ASU CS (in like August LOL)
UIUC LAS Statistics (EA)
UT Dallas CS (RD)
UC Santa Cruz Applied Mathematics (UC)
San Jose State CS
San Diego State CS
Waitlists:
Carnegie Mellon CS (Defer -> Waitlist)
Udub CS
Santa Clara University CS
UW Madison CS
UC Davis CS
Rejections:
UCLA EE
UC Berkeley EECS
UC Santa Barbara CS
UC San Diego CS
UT Austin CS (EA)
Calpoly SLO CS
Georgia Tech CS (RD)
MIT (RD)
Princeton CS (RD)
Purdue CS (deferred EA -> rejected)
Additional Information: My parents hired a very expensive counselor from a rather large college counseling company to help me through this process, and while I am very grateful that they were willing to drop this insane sum of money on a counselor to help me, I very much found that his help was near useless. My essays were reviewed with crazy slow turnaround times by some random person in their company that didn't know me and all the suggestions they gave were syntax and grammar that I could've gotten from ChatGPT or Grammarly.
All of my valuable help was from the free counselors that my school offered; they gave me really insightful feedback regarding what content I should flush out/rethink, and they really helped me knock my essays into shape. I just want this to be a PSA that there is free help out there, and it's very likely that it's better if not near the help you can get from the money pit that is college admissions counseling.
Feel free to PM me if you want any advice/help from my experience!

The zombie apocalypse started out slowly. First, there were the news stories of the occasional homeless person having their face eaten off by a madman. Drugs, they said. Then there were small hoards that would crash through department stores in the middle of the night, caught on security cameras smashing up the place, then gone by morning. Rising crime, they said.
Finally, it could no longer be ignored. When the widespread cannibalism began it was too late to stop the spread. Their numbers increased exponentially. Pretty soon everybody was gone. Well, everyone except for little pockets of survivors here and there, of which I was one.
Life was hard for us. It was hard to tell who was cursed: them or us. Perhaps we both were. Every hour we survived was both a blessing and curse. Some could not take it and opted out. The rest of us fought for our survival with every breath and ounce of strength we had so we could live.
We survived in the dark, like moles. We ate rats, bugs, snakes, whatever we could find. It did not matter. We scavenged for what we needed. Guns and ammunition were top priority, over food. Water was important too, very important. Most of our water came from rain. Then we distilled it to filter out impurities.
When faced with the constant struggle for survival against an enemy that both outnumbers you and cannot die, the struggle against nature, and for basic needs, you change. Your morality changes. Life has immense value to you. That is, YOUR life has value to you. Other people’s lives, maybe not so much. We all changed over those weeks and months following the outbreak. But none of us changed for the better.
Before it began I worked as a talent scout for a film production company in Los Angeles. You may have heard of our little company, Bango Wango. We put out quite a few hit films. Our biggest film was “Big Black Cocks Destroy Little Asian Hotties”. It was very, VERY HOT!! . It received 4.5 out of 5 Stiffies in the Adult Video Review. We also were responsible for “Women Fucking Strangers in Cars, Part 12” and “Hot Girl Bangs 200 Guys at Once”. We liked to stick with a tried and true formula.
Just before the outbreak exploded into all-out murderous zombie hoards and mass cannibalistic attacks, my boss, Doc “Ramrod” Rambo, sent me up to San Francisco to do a casting call for a promising upcoming film to be called “Men Fucking Hot Women”. My job was to evaluate all the girls. I interview each of them. Then I look at them naked. Then I fuck them. If I think they would be good in the film, I stuff some blow up their noses and taken them back to LA with me. You know, it’s the industry standard business model.
As it turned out, San Francisco is the worst place in the world to be in the zombie apocalypse. You would probably think that in my line of work we would be open to deviant sexual identities and practices. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. See, these leftist Dem pigs are trying to gay and tranny everyone. This reduces our target market! We shoot straight hetero shit, only. Partly, this is because it is what we all prefer. Partly, and very importantly, it is where most of the money is. And, our primary financier is a raging white supremacist who disapproves of weird leftist sex shit. I can’t say that I blame him either.
It is well known that San Fran has the highest ratio of freaks in the world. Let me tell you, having a decrepit, rotting zombie trying to murder and eat you is rather disconcerting. Having a tranny zombie coming after you is downright terrifying! Imagine, a 6.5 foot tall highly feminine zombie coming at you, with a wang flopping around. Many folks get caught staring at shit like that (e.g., flopping wangs on fem looking zombie ghouls), and fail to notice the zombies creeping up on them from behind. The poor bastard becomes dinner, and all because of the freak show science and deranged politics that went on prior to the outbreak.
But something worse happened. It stands to reason that zombies, as a primal version of a human being, want to eat. It is its primary need. But those trannies, they weren’t human in any traditional sense. They wore their sexuality on their sleeves for everyone to see. Their sexuality was their identity. This being the case, they are far different from all other human beings in life. Therefore, it stands to reason that they would be far different in death.
Zombie trannies don’t want to eat you. They want to fuck you. Since death causes brain capacity to diminish substantially, they revert to a primitive animal. This means that morality no longer plays a role in their heads. All they want to do is fuck, fuck, fuck. Obviously, nobody consensually fucks a rotting corpse. Thus, they are rapists too. It’s reverse-necro rape phenomena. I seen it. It’s real.
Maybe if we kept them in the closet back before the outbreak these tranny ghouls would only want to eat us alive. But toward the end days the leftist pigs encouraged their antisocial and barbaric urges. They normalized it. They encouraged the freaks to extract their inner abominable urges and place them at the forefront of their existence with absolutely no regard for the impact on other people and society.
See, it was the leftist movements that doomed humanity. Why? For power? For wealth? Hubris? Who knows. All I know is that I am one of the few survivors. Me, along with other survivors, are on constant guard against zombie attack. They roam around in hoards, either looking to eat us or rape us. In fact, sometimes it is both. I have seen some poor bastards being both eaten and raped at the same time. That, my friends, is some ghoulish shit.
It was only a matter of time before the survivor numbers dwindled. I eventually hooked up with a fella from back East that went by the name “Tex”. He was a tough son of a gun. Together we stood a much better chance at survival. One night while camped out under an overpass Tex, with a long drawn out southern drawl, said, “Well now, fuck boy, I think we’uns need ta think bout headed back east, away from the hoards and the feggets.”
Tex reasoned that we could live in rural areas and pretty much be steer clear of zombies altogether. I asked Tex, “What about the tranny zombies?!?” Agitated, old Tex said, “We ain’t got none of that thar sheeyit in Texas, fuck no!” I was all in for Tex’s plan.
We jacked a Dodge Charger in Compton. I hotwired it. Tex said, “Well shit fire, fuck boy! I thought ya’ll had to be one of them thar negroes to knowd how to do that sheeyit! Heh heh heh!” We managed to collect enough gasoline that was still good to get us to Texas. We put it in all sorts of containers and pulled it behind us in a trailer. Tex rigged up a trailer hitch on the ghetto ride for the trip.
I was a long and arduous journey. You may think it would be easy since there wasn’t anyone left to cause a traffic jam, but you would be wrong. There were abandoned cars everywhere, with zombies peppered about here and there. We were viciously attacked in Las Vegas by a hoard of zombies dressed like Debbie Reynolds. Fortunately, we managed to escape with our honor intact.
One night we camped out under the stars. We caught a couple of large lizards and cooked them over an open fire. After dinner we relaxed and watched the stars as we smoked cigars from a box of Padron we found at our last stop. Something had piqued my curiosity about Tex. Finally, I had to ask him.
“Hey, Tex?”, I said. “Yep”, he replied. I asked, “What were you doing in San Francisco? I mean, you have made it pretty clear that San Fran ain’t got much to draw you to it.” Tex said, “You don’t need to knowd all bout that, fuck boy.” I kept on prying. Old Tex eventually relented.
“I was in San Francisco to meet a man I had met online. Ya’ll can think of it as a date, if ya’ll want”, said Tex. I was floored!!! Tex just came out to me. A gay Texan? I just could mot wrap my head around it. I had to know, so I asked, “But Tex, does that mean that … YOU are a homo?!?”
Tex pulled out his revolver and violently struck me with the butt of the gun right on my nose. Blood spewed out as the pain was excruciatingly throbbing in my sinus cavities. Then I heard Tex say, “I AIN’T NO GODDAM FEGGET, YOU ASSHOLE!! What in tarnation is wrong with you?!?”
I managed to get the bleeding to subside after a while. Clearly, Tex had broken my nose. I could not breathe through it anymore and the painful throbbing was still going strong. “Jesus fucking Christ, Tex! It was just a fucking question”, I said.
After a couple moments Tex said “Ah, hell fire, fuck boy. Ima sorry fer braking yer nose. But ya’ll jest cain’t ask a man shit like that, ya know?” I nodded. Of course, he was right. But I grew up in Candy Ass Land here in California, so it’s rather easy to forget what a man is, and is supposed to be. Tex was a real man, that is for certain. With a little prodding I got Tex to tell me why he was in San Fran when the shit hit the fan.
It turns out that he had, in fact, been talking to homos online, and that he traveled to California to meet them. But it was not to fuck them, literally. It was to fuck them up physically. This is something Tex says he likes to do when he gets a day off from the cattle ranch he manages back east. “See, we ain’t got us no queers out thar in Texas. So we got to go out to San Francisco fer queer beatins and sech.”
I nodded in understanding. While I do not personally engage in queer beatings and such, I respect people’s right to do so. In fact, after living amongst all the Candy-assed bed-wetting leftists in Cali for so long, I found Tex and his approach to life to be quite liberating and refreshing. Maybe I was going to like it in Texas!
Tex then said, “Well, it’s yer turn, lil buckaroo!” I asked Tex what he was talking about. “What were yer lilly white ass doing in feg town?” I told him, “I was fucking bitches auditioning for a new fuck flick I was making.” Tex shook his head and laughed.
I wandered what Tex thought of me. Here he is, the epitome of a man from the old west, typified by living a moral and honorable life. I suddenly was overcome by a deep wave of shame in the face of the good and wholesomeness exuded by Tex. I bowed my head in disgrace. Imagine how I felt. I had fucked away my whole life on pussy and coke. Now, here I am, 50 years old and absolutely no goals set for the balance of my life, except for more pussy and coke. Sigh …
My sudden and overwhelming deep depressive state must have registered with Tex. He looked over at me staring at my feet and said, “It’s ok, you know?” I asked what he meant by that. He continued.
“It’s ok that you is a pussy chasing degenerate. Hell, the world needs porn. If I had not seen porn at a young age then I would not have learned how to fuck right fer years to come. I would have suffered years of humiliation learning how to properly bone a chick. But thanks to porn, I was able to master my stroke by 16. Without my confidence I most likely would not have poked Nelly Ann like the hard stud I am today. I totally crushed her pussy! Then she became my wife. All this, thanks to pornography.”
I thought about this. Tex was right, wonderfully right! I never really considered that I was doing the world a service by making porn movies. A wide grin took over my face. I felt…pride! It was unfamiliar to me. In fact, I did not really know what it was. But it felt good. I glanced over at Tex, who was grinning too. Then he said, “That’s right, fuck boy. YOU have value as a man. That makes you ever bit as real man as I am.”
I felt like I had won the fucking lottery. Never before in my entire life have I ever had one bit of self-esteem. Now my cup runneth over thanks to Tex! I had been doing God’s work all along and I just didn’t know it. I wanted to celebrate. I asked Tex, “You want to snort some blow?” He replied, “No sir, but you go right ahead and enjoy yerself”.
——————/
Three days later Tex and I arrived at his cattle ranch in west Texas. It was called “Steered Straight”. Unfortunately, all of the livestock lay dead and rotting in the fields. There were no humans anywhere. The ranch was totally abandoned. I said, “Jesus, Tex. What a fucking shit hole.” Tex said it had definitely seen better days.
I asked Tex, “So, you own this place?”. Tex replied that, no, he did not own it. He was merely the manager. I asked him who owns it. He said, “The fucking Chinese, that’s who.” I said, “Shit! How did THAT happen?”. Tex explained.
“See, fuck boy, this here old ranch been in my family fer generations. But when dad died he willed all the land to my asshole brother, Peter. Old Pete was one of them thar fancy pants college boys. He promptly sold the ranch to a big old corporation back East called ‘Fuck Everybody, Inc.”. They then sold it off to the goddamned Chinese communists.”
Tex bowed his head in recollection of the sad state of his family ranch. I asked Tex why his dad gave it to his asshole brother and not him. Tex replied, with his patented slow Texas cowboy drawl, “Well sir, dad had every intention of leaving the ranch to me. See, back when mother passed away in 1978, dad sort of changed. He got wild with the whores and the blow. He eventually remarried a sweet young stripper from Lubbock named Ana Conda.”
“Well, dad found out that I had been fucking Ana on the down low. So he got pissed and changed his will. I apologized to him repeatedly but nothing would change his mind, the stubborn old son of a gun”, said Tex.
I then interjected, “So you lost the entire ranch because you were banging a whore?” Tex said yes, and then we fist bumped. I said, “Yep, pussy will get your ass in trouble.” Tex agreed.
We went to the ranch house and cleaned shit up so we could live there. Fortunately, the well still functioned, so we had water. All the food was spoiled, as there was no electricity. I asked, “What are we going to do for food, Tex?” He said, “Well, fuck boy, we is gonna hunt us up sum grub. You ever handle a gun before?”