I know people have far worse families which is why I feel so guilty about hating mine. Along with the fact they love me a lot. It’s hard for me to love my family with the way they act.
I moved back temporarily to my grandmas house for 3 months until college opens back up. It’s been a total of 5 days and I can’t stand it anymore. I live in an old office without a wall and the only thing separating me from the rest of the house is blinds. I can hear everything. I don’t know if I have sensory issues, but being able to hear everything makes me lose my mind. My Mom and Grandma often whisper about me and it’s really frustrating because they act like I can’t hear anything. When I did live here during hs I could hear them making homophobic and racist comments often. I don’t have the same views as them, but when you constantly hear your own family say terrible things about communities you’re apart of you lose you mind at a certain point. I also haven’t gotten any sleep since Ive been here. No one seems to take into consideration I exist. Everyone is loud in the morning and I’m a huge light sleeper.
I think what’s setting me off the most at the moment is my Mom’s dog has been sick for 5 days now. She’s been displaying super obvious signs that she’s sick and no one seems to get that. She’s been up all day and specifically night needing to use the bathroom. I hear my Mom complaining throughout the night about it and I’m just so frustrated because why haven’t they taken her to the vet?? Last night my Mom yelled at me for her waking her up because she’s sick. Then I proceeded to hear my father say “I’m not losing sleep over a fucking dog” and left her outside in the cold rain. She’s an 11 year old dog by the way! I feel so bad for her. She’s visibly scared that she’s sick because shes afraid of having an accident in the house. Growing up and even a few years ago when she did have accidents my Mom would often beat her.
They also often neglect my wishes and let my cats outside even though none of them are chipped, we live in an area with a high tick problem, a mountain lion was spotted in the area once, my favorite cat came back with a hurt paw once and it persisted for months, and finally one of my cats went missing for 2 days.
I feel like I’m stupid for being mad at them for all of this. Like, I feel like a whinny baby. I just don’t know what to do because I’m here till August. My mental health has deteriorated rapidly and I don’t know what else to even do. These aren’t the only reasons I don’t like them, they’ve hurt me a lot in the past. These are just ongoing issues. I apologize if this all sounds stupid I haven’t been able to sleep for 2 days.

My cousin brother got married around 1½ years back. It was an arranged marriage and since he lives in USA, he was virtually engaging with his fiancée during courtship which was around 8-9 months. Though my mausi and family met her in India. She seemed a bit kiddish and adamant but overall okay. Her family is quite rich, so is my cousin's family, but they also have political support.
So after the marriage, they went honeymoon and then my brother went to US back and my bhabhi was getting her visa done and all, initially she and my mausi had adjustment issues, later she went to her parents home and finally she too went to US to live with my brother.
Within one month, my brother saw her having fits , that scared him and he took her to hospital where she told the doctor that she is having for the first time.
Later she started having it regularly and when again my brother took her to the doctor, there she said she was having since 1 year, but ultimately it was revealed that its since her childhood. Her family hid the fact from us. Even then my brother accepted her thinking its not her fault if she has illness and now that they are married.
Now her behavior is also very bad towards my brother and his family. She constantly asks him to cut off from us, she doesnt so any job and neither any house work. She has also gained so much weight that she can't wear her own clothes. My brother helps her changing clothes. He makes sure that she is taking her medicines and she is unbothered.
But worst thing is her behavior towards my cousin and his family. She keeps trying to create misunderstandings, constantly fightung with my brother and her in laws, disrespects them.
Her parents just keep requesting to my brother to accept her, she is foolish, everything will be fine once she conceives. She has always talked about having babies since the start when no one asked her to even plan!!
Her family also keeps pressuring my brother to attend their family functions and act normal as if nothing has happened. They keep a blind eye to their daughter's actions. Her sister also keeps calling my brother in quite demanding tone to accept her and dont think about separation.
My brother has taken decision to divorce her. So what should we do now as her family isnt ready for divorce and may file false cases in worst situation?? The girl and her siblings all have studied law.
Also, she keeps telling him he cant stop her from coming back to his parent's or his house in the US as she is still his wife....

Are you a gamer? Want to take out on normies, sexhavers, and foids that infest what used to be OUR hobby? Those of us born in the 80's will remember a time when being a gamer was scorned. We were bullied, chastised, and shunned from our peer groups for enjoying video games. This would last up until the mid to late 90's when the media finally started pushing games to "dudebros" and eventually women in the early to mid 2000's. Finally in the past 10 years we've seen an infestation of shitskins and third worlders completely flooding everything. I refuse to lay down and die. I will stand and fight till the bitter end.
It's time to turn the tables and make them suffer as they made us suffer, both in life and the virtual world. (Legally and within the confines of the game, this is NOT a guide to IRL ruinate or anything of the sort.) Some of this stuff isn't allowed if you're an EU gamer.
First off, you're going to have to let go of playing video games to "win" or acquire virtual greed. You're going to need a new mindset. The mindset of a sadistic psychopath hellbent on extracting keks from anyone and everyone deemed not one of us. No more giving a fuck about your KDA, w/l ratio, or "following the rules" or the "meta" of what other players expect you to do. You are a gamer going your own way, regardless of what the groupthink expects or wants. If the game is F2P or you're a richfag or jewtuber who can get free games from devs then being banned is part of the fun, and is expected of you. If you cannot afford to buy back into games or are too technologically retarded to change your IP and spoof your hardware to get around bans in F2P games then you'll have to tread carefully.
Here's the part where I instruct you on how to fuck over these sexhavers for your own sadistic pleasure. After all they've denied us a life worth living in the real world and treat us like lepers. It's time they feel uncomfortable in OUR space. Feel free to add to any of these methods or pitch in ideas.
Foid infested "cozy" games
Shit like "Animal Crossing" or "Palia." Anything that lets you decorate and grow shit is a "cozy" game and women infest these games more than any other. It's literally a containment game of sorts to keep them out of other shit. To fuck with women in these games all you have to do is steal resources, build ugly and annoying things within the game world, be rude via emotes and text chat, and use emotes to make it look like your character is grabbing their tits or eating them out. I once did /eat to some slag girl gamer in WoW Vanilla 20 years ago and when I reverse searched my name she was bitching about it on reddit and remembered my characters exact name 4-5 years ago. She's STILL SEETHING about it 15 years later. This is what you want. Virtual RAPE. Many foids stream these types of games, and it's incredibly easy to get under their skin. Make the ugliest characters you possibly can and always stand in their camera. Stalk them in-game. Uglify the world around them. Spam emotes. The world is your oyster.
MMORPG's
World of Warcraft, or anything else really. Gank them. Corpse camp them. Dispel their world buffs. Emote spam sexually assault them. Use a high level or highly geared character to camp low level quest zones and steal mobs, resources, and kill low level players. Stream snipe them till they hide their screen with nothingness. Join their guilds and steal their resources after faking being a Chad. Get the entire guild wiped, blame it on the women healers. Play a vital role and underperform / disconnect at pivotal moments and blame a thunderstorm. Make everyone wait on your actions, but not enough to get gkicked. Openly challenge sex havers lifestyles in discord voice calls and call them out on their privileged bullshit. (Genetics, riches, went to a nice school, raised by good parents, etc.) Use every underbelly evil shithead tactic that these fuckers used towards us during our childhoods and young adult lives. Roleplay it up and lie about your IRL self to make them feel inferior. Exploit early and often, and cash out via RMT before you get banned or when you quit for some NEET bucks. If the game has a "random queue" system you can wipe endless groups or refuse to participate and hold entire game lobbies hostage.
FPS
Overwatch, Counter Strike, etc. Simply play terribly in ranked matches. Don't assist the team. Mic spam. Play vital roles like tank or healer then simply don't heal and tell them openly on the mic to beg if they want heals. Refuse to play at all if a woman is in voice chat. Verbally accost every white knight that defends her. Remember, they're most likely wagies who have to go to work tomorrow and you're most likely a NEET who has infinite free time. Remind them of this. (Even if it's not true.) In FPS with one life, openly tell the enemy team where your team mates are camping. Use aimbots, wall hacks, and other cheats to make both sides pissed off. If you're doing well gloat. If you're playing shittily, then call them a loser or a nerd. Flashbang your own team. Drop objective items as far as possible. Die with expensive guns (Auto sniper in CS triggers normies.) and make sure the enemy acquires them. Acquire or goad team mates into team killing you to 2 week ban them.
MOBA / RTS
League, Dota 2, Age of Empires, and other slop. Never go to the "meta" lane. (AD carry / support normally go bottom lane, but you're gonna always go middle, and steal your own teams jungle.) Never build the right items. Feed the enemy team, kill steal your own. Never push lanes or objectives. Ping spam. Keep text chats very "safe" to avoid bans. When a team mate dies, some ping spam and a "?" goes a long way. Never agree to surrender, unless your team is winning. Always report everyone who rages on you. Play characters that have statistically low win rates or are extra annoying. Use a lag switch to delay and hold entire lobbies hostage (RTS). Wall in your own team. Use retarded high risk low reward build orders. Be completely useless all of the time and never join team fights except after everyone's dead then schizo gaslight them that they were the ones not helping.
Survival, Crafting / Building Games
Minecraft, and shit like it. Become insanely super godlike good at the game. Learn all the metas, muscle memory, speed run tech, and master PvP. Join reddit servers and ruinate months of "cozy crafting" with max enchanted equipment and masterful grief tactics. Construct server destroying redstone machines. Completely ruin spawn and active players bases while they're offline. Destroy their VIP / pay 2 win "donation" special items. Join their discords and spam anti-vax, anti-pitbull, and black people violence webms from rekt threads on 4chan to get their servers shut down. Literally use modded hacked clients to ESP radar hack and dupe your way to victory, kicking down reddit twerps virtual sand castles and record the seethe in their discord voice chats while pretending you don't know what's going on. Abuse and exploit anything you can to the detriment of other players (Shittily coded cash shops and stores. RPG elements that are 100% broken, like a "health swap" spell that you can use on any god-geared player to swap your 1/2 heart health with their full HP then 1 shot them naked kinda shit.)
Indie slop
None of these games have any cheat protection. Cheat Engine even the most basic shit. I once played some slop card game and was able to set my opponents HP at the start of the game to 0 and win immediately. You can pretty much speed hack on all of this shit and most hack sites will have a few dedicated cheat bros that can do the wildest shit like gain access to admin panels and other destructive things. Even without cheats most basic exploits can really break these games. If a dupe method worked on one shitty survival Unreal 5 sloppa game, chances are it works on the other 7,000.
VR / Roleplay shit
Fondle titties. When the white knights run up and shout "back off" loudly point and laugh at them. Force feed slags coconut drinks. Put your arm around everyone and get really up close in their face. Make fun of their furfag outfits. Call them trannies. Take a right wing stance on everything. Use cheats to spam gore and porn everywhere. Use mod menus (Cheats) to force other players to emote or spawn giant laggy objects and explosions. Always talk shit in VOIP and spam soundboards. Be as annoying and as insufferable as possible.
Single Player Games
Okay, so this one's hard to "troll" but there's still ways to do it. You gotta share stuff in normie spaces that will offend and upset them. There was a guy that played Red Dead 2 and brutually murdered and tortured the "women have a right to vote" NPC to the point where he got banned off jewtube for it cause it pissed off so many redditors. You're gonna have to be real creative with this one. If you're a jewtuber you can intentionally kill off all the gay NPC's in Baldurs Gate 3 or something during your streams or playthroughs and watch the seethe roll in. Or make misleading and untrue guides or push a narrative you'd prefer to see and post them to normie sites to really stick it to 'em.
Please, feel free to share your ways of griefing and trolling foids and sexhavers within the confines of the video game. Since we can't be happy in real life, the least we can do is make their virtual lives closer to ours. Give them a taste of their own medicine. The only joy I have left in life is making others seethe in video games, because what the fuck else is there to do?

My husband and I are married for 4 years now. I am 29, he is 28 and we have a son who is now 15 months old. When he was born it was all ok until husband started having some problems at work and when he would come home we didn’t interact so much. He would be frustrated and angry, i didn’t have help around house and the baby was a bit difficult, screaming so much every day, didn’t want to sleep in his crib for some time, only when i was holding him. So my husband and i didn’t have much time together so that became frustrating also. Meanwhile he changed the job and that’s when the biggest problem happened. First of all after the job interview he just called me to say he accepted the job without coming home and talking about stuff like that like we always did with each other. So he started dating and i noticed he started acting differently. There was this one female colleague that he would mention a lot, look at schedule to see when they are together on the shift and so he started texting her, i saw different behavior, hiding phone when i was around, excitedly jumping to answer the texts and i got very suspicious, this was going on for 2 weeks. So one day when baby was asleep i confronted him and he confessed everything and showed me all the messages and i had a lot to read. He was texting saying they could go walk her dog before or after shift together, the could go to a movie and stuff like that, there were some intimate things too. All in all not the thing you want to text someone outside of your marriage. He says he did it because he missed me because our marriage got a bit cold because of the baby, which was true, it’s our first baby and it’s been really difficult. The type of texts were just like he texted me at the beginning of our relationship. So he said he will stop with that and he did, after that we were ok for 2 weeks but then something else happened. He went to work a bit too early and i had i strong gut feeling that something is happening that shouldn’t be. So i did something i feel very bad for, i did it for the first time ever in my life and i feel like a piece of shit but it was so much stronger than me. We are connected onto the find my app so i saw he went to her home to pick her up before work which was completely unnecessary because she literally lives 3 minutes of walking distance from their job so i texted him about it, he lied to me when he came home he said signal was bad. He drove her home after work and the next day too. The next day he confessed again that he lied about driving her. He promised he wouldn’t do that again but guess what he did it few days later again. He said he couldn’t say no because he was asking and she very well what kind of problem she was for us and she was asking again even though he told her he wouldn’t do that anymore. So anyway we went to therapy in November 2023, and all this happened in august/September 2023. Due to stress i lost so much weight i was almost anorexic, i couldn’t function normally, i was barely able to hold it together to take care of our baby. There was never anything physical with them but i can’t help to think would happen if i didn’t find out. I told him this was emotional affair and that he cheated on me, he doesn’t think the same. He was and still is sorry about everything, and there a lot more of little details and things that happened but this is already so much to write.
He promised he wouldn’t drive her anymore, he says they are just friends, it’s really good to work with her because she is responsible, they still talk to each other every day but i am so much bothered by that still almost a year after. There has been so much fighting, crying, feeling so bad mentally and physically and i still feel like that most of the time on the inside but we are good in a sense that our relationship is just like it was before we had a baby. Am i crazy that i despise their friendship and the fact that they still work together? I am so hurt that he doesn’t realize why that friendship is so bad. Everything gave me so much anxiety that sometimes all I would do is cry every day all day. I was even thinking about divorce for a really long time. We talked about it only with marriage counselor, we never said anything to our parents or friends even though they were asking questions because of the weight i lost and they sensed something was off. I still sometimes feel like i have to talk about it but i don’t want to talk about it with him until completely figure out my feelings and thoughts so i can be clear about everything to him and so i can tell my side calmly without causing us to fight because i am so tired of fighting. I was thinking about going to therapy myself to take care of me because i feel so much resentment, i despise so many things, i am frustrated and angry but i don’t show it because our relationship is really good like the way it was but on the inside i am still hurting and i am still not over it. I am so full of anxiety still, sometimes can’t sleep, i sometimes fear he will drive her again after he promised he wouldn’t do that anymore. I noticed i now react so much differently when we have a typical marriage argument. It sets me into panick mode, i just cry, i can’t talk, i feel so out of place like i am not myself anymore like i can’t function in situations like that. I have the need to put up a wall between me and him. He tries to calm me down and talk to me about what’s happening but i just can’t make myself to talk because of some fear and so he gets frustrated. He also started saying he would love to have a second child but all of this is a very big reason for me not to have the second one. I can’t put myself emotionally in that place again, our baby was just 6 months old when all of this started happening. Maybe in a few years… I also feel so weird to bring this up to him again after almost a year after everything. We love each other so much, he really is a good husband and dad and he really tries. I know it sounds so awful written like this but i know us and how we are, this happened probably for a reason because some thing did get better with us, with our marriage and our communication but some other thing i wrote i still bothering and make me feel bad and i don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Talking to parents or friends is a no go because there would be taking sides and even more drama and i just can’t take it anymore.

I 32M and my wife 31F have been married for 6 years and have lived together for about a decade, and we now have our first of probably two kids, currently age 2.
I have been working the same job for 9 years, and it is my last 2 weeks. My new job starts after memorial day.
There is a subject in our relationship dynamic that I'm not sure how to bring up, and I could use some help. Generally it revolves around the fact that, with an increasingly demanding kid, tasks and chores are more often done quickly, or around the toddler, or while trying to be extremely quiet because she's sleeping. As such it's become much more common to, let's be frank, fuck things right up.
I woke up this morning and when I went downstairs to get ready for work I looked over mid-poop and realized there was no toilet paper left. I looked in all the usual spots and realized we were totally out on this floor and I couldn't go upstairs because that would wake the baby, so eventually I just found some tissues in a medicine cabinet and made do. My wife does the grocery shopping and tracking what household items we need. I texted my wife an FYI so when she got up she'd bring a roll down from upstairs and hopefully we have an extra one up there.
I was at work about 30 minutes when I got a text
"I'm really really really angry right now and I'm trying to calm down."
About 20 minutes go by. I am getting extremely anxious so I text pre-emptively apologizing if it was something I did, and I get
"I burned breakfast because I was retching over the toilet because the ice tray was made of soap, and I didn't realize until I tasted one."
We message back and forth. To be clear, I apologize, immediately admit it must have been my fault, soap must have gotten in the tray from me doing the pots and pans or from the dishwasher and I didn't rinse it out well before filling it, I just saw it empty on the counter the night before and filled it up.
She can't believe I wouldn't smell it, it stinks to high heaven, we need to have a family meeting because clearly Some Things Just Aren't Working, I said I was sorry but I didn't say thats disgusting so I wasn't taking it seriously.
Through all of it I'm just thinking...it's been over an hour. I haven't done any work. I've been on my phone, or I've been sitting there between texts with a knot in my stomach, feeling like shit because I know I fucked something up even if I didn't know what.
I can't do this at a new job. I won't be basically indispensable at this new place yet, and I don't want to stop trying to do tasks around the house because frankly...my wife and I don't actually have 2 vastly different levels of attention to detail. There are things we care more or less about detail wise but I'm not some slob to my wife's total steel trap.
But I really don't know how to approach the subject at all. And hey, working dudes with wives who get on them - you're typing a thing in solidarity now I get it I really do that's NOT what I'm looking for.
Parents who stay at home, whose workplace it is and who have to split the maintenance with someone whose there 1/5th the time you are: what would be a good way to bring this up that would not just result in angeindignation? It seems like any time I end up in the situation where I want to have this conversation I can't because I've just messed something up.
Apologies for the wicked long post.
TLDR: I mess things up around the home. My wife doesn't come to my work and mess things up. I'm beginning a new job and can't have the regular conversation about something I've messed up. How can i make that request?

Warning : this is probably the longest post I've ever written. It's awful. If you're expecting something short, run for your safety. Otherwise, take your time and have fun.
So Kaiser and Ness have always been pretty interesting characters since their introduction, but with the most recent chapters and especially ever since the Ness flashback, things have been intensifying and there's a lot going on around these two, especially with potential developments that might happen during the PxG match. Definitely some of my favorite characters in the story thematically.
This will be a huge post analyzing, dissecting and aiming to understand the psyches of both Ness and Kaiser, by following their stories individually, as well as how they intertwine together, how their pattern of relationship is very important to the story as a whole, as well as trying to review a lot of information in hindsight that might make a lot more sense now that we virtually have their entire stories.

Part I : Ness, the Wizard

So it all starts with Alexis Ness, a German kid born into a very stereotypical scientist family of reddit atheists, as well as the following sentence : "(my parents) taught me that it's possible to explain everything that happens on earth".
https://preview.redd.it/467quusc7s0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8c94fce3eb7d93edfad74f154bcb62b3f0cc072d
This first sentence already sets a very important tone with Ness' character. He is dreamy, he's a child full of wonder with a bit of an obsession for finding magic in things, born into a family that dismisses the existence of unexplainable concepts as a whole and lambasts him for believing in them at all, even as a child. Ness is an irrational being, born into an extremely rational environment, and that fact alone alienates him from his passion, and drives him to keep going until he finds something or someone that will understand him.
Ness has a passion for the unexplainable, not the scientific unexplainable, but more the "incredible" unexplainable, things that seem too fantastic to be believed at first, and yet are still true. He also assimilates his sadness with the lack of understanding from his family among the things that he deems to be unexplainable, whether by his family or himself. Ness has a passion for magic, cannot explain why, and that's part of why he believes in magic so much. His passion is self defined.
And that passion for seeking magic in things, is also what drives him to soccer. The joy that people feel, the roaring fans, the celebrations that come from goals, Ness feels as though soccer is what will allow him to truly bring magic into this world. Which is why I theorize, that with Ness' drive for playing soccer being to bring magic on the field, he might be a self-type ego that seeks to bring magic, the same way Barou seeks the feeling of being the king of the field, or Bachira to become one with the ball (this is a very common theme with self type egos, I might make a post about this one of these days). This is a very important point if we want to understand where Ness' current development in the PxG match could be going.
https://preview.redd.it/2pwr3hio7s0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=467615cdabc6a0ae6cebea3896dd0d4a29f74989
Ness then takes matters into his own hands and trains relentlessly to pass the Bastard Munchen tryouts, the best club in Germany, so he can have a shot at turning his dream into reality. Ness plays quite well and even shows skills that should allow him to be better than the current BM selection, but he runs into a massive problem ; his individual skills do allow him to keep up, but his plays are ineffective. His magic doesn't work on the world, and the biggest reason why is that no one on the field can keep up with his thinking. Ness lacks the partner that will help make his vision come true.
https://preview.redd.it/h3t5pj628s0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=20fa753b3d1e362981725295f453e7df8c592712
And that's when a certain someone makes their appearance.

Part II : Kaiser, the Blue Rose

It all starts with Michael Kaiser, a different German child with a very different upbringing, but whose destiny would end up crossing paths with that of Ness.
Kaiser grew up in the ashes of a destroyed family. His dad was a theatre director, his mom was an actress, who ended up leaving his dad soon after his birth. His father, unable to bear the weight of both an unwanted child and a failed love life, ended up sinking into alcoholism, gambling addiction and domestic violence.
His father having wasted his fortune completely and being unwilling to work, Kaiser was forced to learn how to steal very early in his life, but his disgusting father's self loathing, resentment and regret towards Michael's mother still ended up reaching him through his father's constant abuse. The treatment he got from his father was the only definition of love Kaiser has ever had, and he ended up internalizing this notion, as well as the feeling that he was not wanted in this world.
https://preview.redd.it/pbjmwago8s0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d8e88e9839891a7c7ac9e26abd27403fde3c1331
Kaiser grew up, and started saving up money from selling the more valuable items that he would steal. For his twelfth birthday, he decided to buy something for himself that would actually allow him to feel alive and closer to his far away objective of leaving his father one day. And that is how he stumbled upon football.
Unlike Ness however, who developed a passion for football simply because he saw magic in it, Kaiser developed an unhealthy attachment to football that would mimic his relationship to his father. It didn't matter how much he abused the ball, the ball wouldn't respond or protest, it'd just stay by his side silently. Kaiser saw in the ball the same form of attachment that his father showed him, he saw himself in the ball, an unwanted piece of trash that would silently take the abuse that was dished out to him. Because that was the only behavior that his father ever showed to him, Kaiser ended up assimilating abuse and violence to love. That is how Kaiser became an abuser himself, which is a very important facet of his character : cycles repeat themselves, and abusers create potential future abusers.
https://preview.redd.it/1nw0aoxs8s0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d0fb7ff24ec0a70cd1c141a6084d231931d1c1b0
Where Kaiser's story really begins though is when he is framed for a crime he didn't commit and the police enter their home for a search. Kaiser gets hit by his dad, the police find the money he was keeping from his father, and he's about to lose everything that would allow him to leave this life. Kaiser, at that moment, accepts the abuse again, and decides against his own heart that he'd simply take whatever sentence he gets and start saving up money again once he's out. He instinctively changes his mind when his dad decides to poke a few holes into his soccer ball though.
https://preview.redd.it/419kda1z8s0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fd23734280fee0a5e45b3b2f432dd3a4bc1a4437
Though Kaiser has an awful definition of what love or attachment really is, the love that he developed for football was still as pure as he could muster. And instinctively, as he sees his father about to destroy the only thing he's ever managed to feel attachment towards, Kaiser rises against the odds and fights as hard as he can. As the narrator says it himself, this is when Kaiser's identity was truly born. This is another very important element that we'll have to keep for later.
https://preview.redd.it/bwc3c8i09s0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=db6e687a46405976f724c2a652d139f9e8618dd1
Kaiser then goes on to get scouted by a certain PIFA executive named Ray Dark, who heard of the fact that he managed to take out multiple police officers with just a soccer ball. Kaiser is encouraged by Ray Dark to pass the BM tryouts, and is already determined to get as far away as possible from his former life, and this is where Kaiser's ego starts to badly mutate from its purest form, all because of the consequences of his father's abusive behavior : Kaiser is incapable of accepting any form of kindness and is very incline to violence.
Kaiser, from the second he enters the facility and starts training with the rest of the potential recruits, manages to make enemies through his extremely antagonistic behavior. He consistently picks fights, which obviously leads to situations where he's systematically in the wrong, and to people refusing to play with him in the moments that matter the most. This is where the Kaiser Impact is born ; Kaiser decides to create a weapon that won't just help him, but make sure he asserts full and total dominance over others. But he doesn't stop there.
https://preview.redd.it/vru5ubo89s0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=47b1282e4c7c8a7e9f351e1624d440b5759a12c7
Kaiser starts studying elements of psychology, and his goal is strictly to find out how to manipulate someone and make sure that they would serve him during matches. He needed a lackey, that would serve him under all circumstances, and the best way to find that lackey was to find someone that was close to breaking under pressure and despair.
And this is where the BM tryouts start.

Part III : Perspectives

This is where the duo meets for the first time, and their perspectives on the situation are very different from one another, but very similar in one aspect : they provide each other with what they need.
https://preview.redd.it/vyrcjzv8as0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5d0c94fb7754c4ad6ea8c6cd5eeb352149c4e994
Ness starts out the BM tryout match very hopeful, but realizes that his individual abilities are his only functional tool and that he can't manage to spark magic with the teammates that he currently has. Ness is in a situation of despair, where he is realizing that he might not make it, and that his family was right to treat him the way they did.
Kaiser in the meantime, is in the exact opposite situation. He is alone, certainly, but also not worried : all he is doing is looking for someone with good enough skills, and in a precarious situation whose heart he can safely erode and tame. Ness needs someone to show him that magic does exist ; Kaiser needs a lackey that he can use to reach his goals. Ness needs a friend, Kaiser needs a test subject. Their relationship, is by definition profoundly unequal, and for that reason, Kaiser is also the only one of the two to be aware of that fact.
https://preview.redd.it/v9ezbkfjas0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4b0613b95305a64ebc6041d1c2b8a73052a6473a
The rest of the match is pretty obvious : Ness finds a good partner to make his imagination come to fruition, Kaiser finds a dog to feed him passes, they get a hat trick together and are selected for the BM team. The important point though, is that Ness didn't actually find despair in that match : he was on the brink of realizing that he couldn't bring magic alone, but the second he was about to either give up or awaken, Kaiser came to him and became his provider for the magic he was seeking. That is the best way to make Ness' ego, his very being, dependent on Kaiser's existence.
This panel shows this best : Ness' play would've been suboptimal for anyone else, his magic would not have been sufficient for a different player. Kaiser's individual ability however, is so overwhelming that he effortlessly brings Ness the magic he seeks. Ness' magic wouldn't have worked if it wasn't for Kaiser.
Ness has never known what it feels like to create magic alone, and therefore he associates magic to Kaiser's presence. If Kaiser himself fails, that implies a personal failure on Ness' part since it means his magic didn't function. That's an extremely important element to understand for the codependency element of these two characters, and that's part of the reason why Ness has constantly been extremely defensive of every single one of Kaiser's failures so far in the story : the same way Kaiser's dream slowly became his own, his failures feel just as much his as they are Kaiser's.
https://preview.redd.it/0pl31b2abs0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1137ca6530c1ec0ae89b1a7f0a3be49cf24f1ba3
Kaiser then goes on to become a very vicious player that specifically tries to scar his opponents as much as possible. The impossibility that Kaiser strives for, has become something he wants to incarnate for his opponents, an impossible behemoth to slay, the same way his dad was to him. Kaiser acknowledges this, however he associates the feeling of losing to such impossibility to weakness. To Kaiser, the fact that he let his father mistreat him for that long seems to be proof that he used to be a weak person, and that the true way to fight is to become just as evil and incarnate that feeling of impossibility to other people, as he says it to Ness : "Believing in the impossible is a curse, the instant people believe in the impossible is when they decide to give up. It's a survival instinct to guard against heartbreak, that's the way of weaklings, they kill themselves through this curse. Weaklings who dilute the purity of their egos to live longer are what I hate most in this world".
Kaiser has rationalized the abuse that he has gone through by assimilating his behavior to weakness, instead of recognizing this was the behavior of a child trying desperately to survive against impossible odds. The fact that he sees his past behavior as such and that he decided that he should become an abuser himself to get power back over his life, is already proof that his father's abuse won over his ego, and he doesn't know it himself. This is why his ego is fragile and diluted, and that's how he lost his way.
https://preview.redd.it/gnr2pmijbs0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7e9c07a3f25650ab84e6cd8b3bc90d301a7d313b

Part IV : The reality of impossibility

This is where the NEL comes in. From what we know of Kaiser's objectives with the NEL, he has come to crush the local japanese ace, to give himself a publicity boost that would either prove to the world that he isn't inferior to Noel Noa, or to get himself a contract that would allow him to get out of his current club, both so he could compete with Noa in a less direct way, and therefore not have to face the impossible task that is destroying the system that has been built around him.
Both his intention of trying to destroy Isagi by showing him how impossible it is to beat him, and his intention to avoid beating Noa directly by instead trying to publicize himself as being a striker of equal mettle, show how his ego has been twisted from what it originally was : Kaiser has become addicted to the feeling of incarnating impossibility to other players and crushing them, and he has become very avoidant of any challenges that could seem impossible to him, the same way his father's abuse seemed impossible to overcome. He has created himself a predatory mentality unfit for a competitor, and he did it all as a survival mechanism to fight against impossible odds.
The problem really starts however, when his plan backfires, and it turns out the japanese ace specifically thrives on impossible challenges and does not stop improving. Isagi Yoichi, by the time of the PxG match, has become the incarnation of the impossible odds that Kaiser usually wants to avoid, but this time he is conflicted since Isagi is also the exact type of player that Kaiser wants to crush : he is forced to face his own fear, and the more the odds are against him, the more impossibility will catch up to Kaiser. Which is exactly what might lead to Ness' awakening.
https://preview.redd.it/cl0fcuo5cs0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2eb5a41479308384a1dc7cdb9f4be2a40891ea55
Since Ness attributes his magic to Kaiser's success, seeing Kaiser fail (and maybe even resent him for it), is most likely what will bring Ness to the pit of despair that he got to escape from back in the BM tryouts. Ness will have to face his fear of not being able to bring magic to the world alone. And with what's been foreshadowed, I believe Ness' awakening will come with some sort of cooperation with Isagi, which in turn will make Kaiser realize that he is back to facing the impossible behemoth that he faced not so long ago. This is what will make him revert to his purest ego. But what is his purest ego exactly ?

Final part : Conclusions, and Kaiser's true ego

We finally get to the part where I stop holding everything back and I tell what's on my mind.

1. I'll start with something very important : duos in Blue Lock are always doomed unless they become more than the sum of their parts.

Kaiser and Ness' duo made me realize it, especially with their very obvious parallels to Reo and Nagi, but duos often start out with one of the players (and sometimes both players) attributing a part of their ego to their partner. That right there, is exactly how egos are stifled.
In the case of Kaiser, though his intention was to manipulate Ness, he ended up creating an association in Ness' mind where though Ness sees his purpose in life to bring magic through football, he attributes his ability to bring magic to Kaiser, which means that in Ness' mind, he is incapable of doing it alone. I don't believe that's the case, but for Ness to prove it to himself, he has to try doing it first. The PxG match is the perfect opportunity for this, but that's not all.
https://preview.redd.it/p2zv1za0es0d1.jpg?width=1124&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dad6ddd89aca9f05adb18cc06825f6337f7b3702
Sae and Rin are also a very important example of this, since Sae knew from the start that having Rin associate him to his ego and use him as a reason to play football was a death sentence for both of them. I believe that Sae truly does want to win the Champion's league with his brother, but has let go of that dream and has tried to force Rin to do it as well to make sure both of them would reach their potential before hitting the wall that is the world level.
Reo has always attributed his dream of winning the world cup to the fact that he has Nagi by his side, and cannot really imagine achieving this dream without him. However, if Reo truly wants to evolve, I'm sure a lot of you are already anticipating this, but he has to let go of Nagi and evolve alone, which he most likely will do during the Manshine-Barcha match. Nagi himself doesn't have an objective, and has always improved as a player with the intention of helping Reo achieve his dream, which means that part of his ego is simply helping another player achieve his. Unless the both of them seperate at least temporarily, then Reo will never gain the confidence to achieve his dream alone, Nagi will never gain the ego to have his own dream and play football for the sake of his own passion, and neither of them will be able to cooperate on their common vision of winning together. And the way I know all of this ?
Is because Isagi and Bachira have already showed us the path of how a good duo functions. Bachira almost never awakened his true ego all because his loneliness made him see Isagi as essential to his well being, it forced him to look for players that would be able to keep up with his best football, and when he found them, he already thought he had won. Bachira realized that the only way he could keep playing with the players he admires and wants to rival, is by believing in his way of playing football instead of putting his belief in someone else. This is how duos survive : by having both players becoming better and fulfilled individually, and constantly pushing each other to individually become better before they rely on each other for victory.
https://preview.redd.it/bcjasudces0d1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b6339a69e35ab6868f134742dbd1b56cd1db4d27

1. To get back to Kaiser and Ness, what that means is that Ness' evolution has to come at the cost of his dependence on Kaiser, and Kaiser's evolution has to come at the cost of the introspection he has to do to understand where his true nature comes from : this specific moment.

https://preview.redd.it/19jdamedcs0d1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=14f345c0c401e1be17aae850a33fc3faf259303b
My belief is that Kaiser's ego to incarnate the impossible isn't actually wrong, it's just taken from the wrong perspective. What Kaiser was since the very start, isn't a mindless perpatrator of violence that does it out of pleasure for crushing others : What Kaiser is, is a survivor.
\"I'll leave here someday.\"
No matter how tough the situation, no matter how much his father beat him, Kaiser never stopped believing or dreaming that he would one day free himself from his situation and rise against adversity. It might've been a small flame at first, but when his ego truly awakened was when he actually fought back for the first time. Kaiser isn't an impossible being because he is an unbeatable, violent monster, he is an impossible being because he rises against impossible odds no matter what.
\"The boy dreamed about going on a journey someday.\"
He is unfathomably resilient, and that is something that was very specifically cultivated from his experience of victimhood : Kaiser couldn't have become this kind of person if he was simply an abuser the same way his father was (which is currently what is stifling his ego), the only way he can be this impossible being is by going through what he did and surviving.
And in fact, that's also something that been shown in the manga already. After all, the only moment so far where Kaiser has showed us what could be his greatest performance, was when he had to rely on a play Isagi made to get a goal opportunity, and managed to beat 4 defenders (one of them being the best U20), culminating in a goal that's impossible to replicate even for the greatest players. Kaiser might be a self type ego that seeks impossible situations to reach flow.
https://preview.redd.it/rcpi8xb3ds0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8b64e5c2db2df699852631c44c4f308fb3efc417
A player's personality is often reflected through their playstyle : that's the case with Kaiser, with his KI symbolizing his impossible dominance, and his MV symbolizing his manipulative way of playing with people ; which is why I don't believe it's a coincidence that the one time Kaiser has truly made a play no one else could replicate was when all odds were against him. And yet ironically, this is also the goal that Kaiser hates the most, because he still hates his younger self for not having fought back until the last moment. What he sees as weakness, is what is actually his greatest strength.
Anyways if you've read this far, thank you very much and congratulations, and if you have any, please tell me your thoughts in the comments.

Updated with autopsy results.
Morphew Case Map - Google My Maps - Barry's iPhone Data - Google My Maps - Barry's Truck Events - Google My Maps
August 5, 1994 – Suzanne Moorman marries Barry Morphew The Alexandria Times-Tribune Alexandria, Indiana 05 Jan 1994, Wed • Page 4
December 1999 – Barry and Suzanne Purchase 26040 Cal Carson Rd, Arcadia, IN This is the house where he dug a hole in the yard and buried everything he didn't want to move to Colorado. (AA ft 55 page 53)
November 2013 – Suzanne Inherits $208,000 upon the Passing of her Mother. MB provided documents that Suzanne inherited approximately $208,000 in 2013 at the passing of her mother.
August 2016 – Suzanne inherits $217,000 upon the death of a grandmother. Suzanne’s grievance list included multiple references to Barry controlling the finances.
April 12, 2018 – The Morphew’s Purchase 19057 Puma Path Barry and Suzanne Morphew purchase 19057 Puma Path for $1,575,000.
June 1, 2018 – The Morphews move to Colorado. (PH – Harris) SA Harris: Yeah, they moved in 2018. I believe they left around June 1st, 2018. to move to Colorado. So roughly a year and a half of the time is what Sheila originally said in that.
September 2018 – Suzanne sends “Howdy stranger” message to JL First contact since high school.
Fall 2018 – Libler’s daughter sees messages from Suzanne on his phone. Libler breaks it off.
Thanksgiving 2018 – Barry obsessive/possessive. While Suzanne was at the Oliver’s house, she had stepped away from her cell phone to use the restroom, and Barry tried calling her several times within a few minutes, then tried calling Sheila, then tried calling Darin.
Holidays 2018 – Suzanne finds Libler’s LinkedIn Page. Relationship Rekindled
January 2019 – The Mexico trip where Barry took Suzanne’s phone Mexico trip mentioned in the grievances list where Barry took Suzanne's phone.
February 11 – 14, 2019 – Suzanne in New Orleans with Libler Barry admitted to questioning Suzanne about the New Orleans trip, further evidence he suspected the affair.
April 2019 – Suzanne meets up with Libler in Indiana She does not see SO on this trip.
July 2019 – Suzanne and Libler meet up in Michigan Barry called SO while Suzanne was in MI visiting her fatheJL, wanting to know why Suzanne wasn't returning his calls.
September 2019 – Barry stalks Suzanne and Shelia Oliver, creeping through woods. Barry stalked Suzanne and Sheila at the Puma Path house in September 2019. This is upon his early return from a trip to Arizona.
October 2019 – Libler and Suzanne in Dallas Suzanne and Libler spend two nights at the Galleria.
September – November 2019 – Barry aggressively pursues KW around Salida. From the first time KW met Barry, she said it felt like "he was putting his tentacles out."
Holidays 2019 – Suzanne and Libler stop talking on the phone because she is afraid Barry will find out. They shift to more covert ways to communicate. Barry's second device makes its first appearance.
January/February 2020 – Suzanne in Florida, gets spy pen, sees Libler Suzanne in Florida, SO gives her the spy pen during this trip. Suzanne records a conversation with Libler on this trip.
Late February 2020 – Suzanne in Florida, sees father and Libler. Suzanne skips out on time with her father to see Libler. Barry goes to Florida.
March 2020 – Spy pen records argument between Suzanne and Barry. “It’s money. It’s about money.” “… I have lived for years being told how I should feel, how I should act, how I should look, what I should drink, what I shouldn’t drink, what I should put in my body, what I shouldn’t put in my body … ”
March 20, 2020 – Jekyll and Hyde text exchange between Suzanne and SO, MM2 suggests restraining order. "It’s Jekyl and Hyde again … Pretty much told him I can’t be healthy and stay in this."
March 22, 2020 – Spy pen records Barry listening to Forensic Files episodes, call with Suzanne on drive to Pueblo Coincidentally one of the episodes involved a woman "disappearing" after a bike ride.
April 21, 2020 – Messages between Suzanne and Libler “I want to be with you,” “I can only be me with you,” I love you,” “I need you.” “You know I was born to love you.”
May 4, 2020 16:05 – Barry makes 3 second outgoing call to Suzanne This was the first logged call in Barry’s phone to or from Suzanne since February 7, 2020.
May 5, 2020 – Suzanne drives MM2 to Gunnison Suzanne drives Macy to Gunnison, CO to meet MM1 for a road/camping trip through Utah and Idaho with MM1's best friend.
May 6, 08:44 – Suzanne sends MM2 a text “Good morning! I miss you already!”
May 6, 10:13 – Suzanne: “I’m done. I could care less what you’re up to and have been for years.” From 14:43 to 17:00 Barry replied, “When I’m dead,” “Going to see my savior,” and “This life on earth is a mear (sic) grain of sand compared to eternity.”
May 6, 2020 – 14:43 – From Barry to Suzanne: “I’m sorry if things went the way they did. I have a problem dealing with the way you accused me of hiding checks. If you think I’m as terrible of a person to hide our accounts and have ones you don’t know about you don’t know me. All I do is for you and the girls. All. When I'm dead, which won't be long, you guys will be taken care of. Please stop being angry. If I can control my hurt heart I think I can overcome your distant unlovingness toward me. Honey, I swear it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I love you I always will.”
May 6, 2020 – 15:51 – Barry to Suzanne: “I promise you were wrong about all the crazy thoughts about me. I have always been faithful. Always. Why would I ever want another when I'm married to the most beautiful, sweet, kind, loving, woman as you? Only a fool would stray from an angel like you.”
May 07, 2020 – Suzanne messages Libler about how magical past days had been. Barry wants a new truck. 16:43 - “Been studying all afternoon. I’m gonna bike now. I’ve got veggie soup on for supper.”
May 7, 2020 – SB puts new tires on Suzanne’s bike Bike mechanic was interviewed by law enforcement.
May 7, 17:13:52 – Barry Works Out at GD’s House Truck log files place Barry at GD's home at 5:13 pm.
May 7, 2020 23:00 – “I finally got the job” text from MM1 goes unanswered. Q (Lindsey): Anything on May 6th that didn’t seem normal? Was there a text from Mallory to Mr. Morphew? A (Grusing): I believe that’s the night of May 7th. Mallory, Macy, and their friend Holly are out on a trip towards Utah and Mallory is sending pictures to both Suzanne and Barry but I was ... Read more
May 08, 07:03 – The Grievance List: Suzanne’s phone backs up a list of 50 reasons why she wanted to leave marriage on “Notes” Not safe alone with you. Can’t be trusted - Oppressive - Slam on brakes when angry - Threaten to jump out of car - Gun ...
May 08, 08:43 – “I will continue to do your invoicing when you need to.” "When FBI Agents showed Barry these texts during interviews in 2021, he said he did not think Suzanne was serious."
May 08, 09:28 – Suzanne texts sister about Barry’s abuse. “It’s hard dealing with the harsh abrasiveness and having to show respect. He’s also been abusive, emotionally and physically. There’s so much … I went thru a period of acceptance and I feel more angry now. Anger at what I’ve allowed.”
May 08, 10:55 Barry: “I Love You, Suzanne.” “But, in the afternoon, it (the text fight) was like it never happened. She texted me back and it was just like, ‘Hey, what time are you coming home? Hey, this or that. Just pick this up or pick that up.'”
May 08, 13:18 – Barry texts Salida Stove and Spa about getting the hot tub fixed. "Asking when he could come out to the home."
May 08, 15:43 – Barry’s iPhone receives an SMS message associated with the unknown device This second device was first used on November 30,2019 and was associated with Barry’s iPhone 91 times since then, compared to 1,701 associations with the primary User ID since November 2019.
May 8, 19:06 – Moonlight Pizza and Phone Calls Barry convinces Suzanne to meet him at the Tailwinds site before going to pick up Moonlight Pizza together.
May 08, 21:04 – 20 Facebook friend requests, 3 men named “Jeff.” Barry’s lurking at the River. Barry was asked about his phone pinging down by the river during the Facebook posts on Friday night and asked if he was outside. Barry said, “I could have been. I don’t remember. I chase critters around the house all the time.”
May 09, 00:02 – Incoming call on Suzanne’s phone (PH CAST) Incoming call on Suzanne’s phone (PH CAST)
May 09, 02:07 – Outgoing call on Suzanne’s phone (PH CAST) 02:07 am outgoing call on SM’s phone (PH CAST)
May 09, 06:00 – Barry’s phone received call (PH CAST) 06:00 am BM’s phone received call (PH CAST)
May 09, 06:46 – Barry’s phone registered “Power On” Comes out of Airplane mode.
May 09, 07:19 – Barry’s cell received signal (PH) Barry’s cell received signal (PH)
May 09, 07:22 – 07:39 – Barry at “Tailwinds” worksite Barry’s phone registered locations at his “Tailwinds” work site near Poncha Springs.
May 09, 07:35 – Suzanne texting SO Discussing Sheila's daughters wedding on Sunday.
May 09, 08:00 – MG was with Barry working on the rock beach site until 10am(?). Gentile: “He said that he had to go make the wife happy – do some hiking or biking.”
May 9 – Morning – Suzanne messaging Jeff “He’s still wanting Arizona.”
May 09, 09:50 – Barry to Suzanne: Want to go on hike? *Text Exchange\* Barry to Suzanne: Want to go on hike?
May 9, 2020 – 11:14 – Suzanne received a second password reset message from Facebook Previous reset was while Barry was down by the river on the evening of the 8th.
May 09, 11:15 est. – Barry tells Morgan Gentile he could “bury a body” and it “would never be found.” Gentile: “He seemed stressed. He definitely seemed weird on Saturday.”
May 09, 11:55 – Dead Turkey Hunt or Barry Takes Down His Trail Cameras Barry said he was looking for a turkey that Mallory had shot previously with a bow, but they had never found.
May 09, 13:35 – Barry leaves home again. Checked on job at Kim Gyms
May 9, 13:40(?) – Suzanne texts Libler Guess who is alone again?
May 09, 13:46 – Barry and the backhoe After texting, Barry drove by TK's house to see the backhoe, but did not get back in touch to buy it. In 2018, Barry used a backhoe to dig a large hole in his front yard, fill it with items to include furniture, and cover it over, planting alfalfa on top.
May 09, 13:51 – 14:13 – Barry at DSI, replacing Bobcat blade He was wearing a blue t-shirt and khaki shorts.
May 09, 14:03 – Suzanne sends sunbathing pic to Libler, last proof of life. “Well, look at her. She’s obviously drunk. Look at her eyes. Do you know what drunk eyes look like?
May 09, 14:11 – Suzanne sends last LinkedIn message to Libler: “I’m on wa.” Libler sent response messages at 2:39PM, 2:46PM and 2:47PM that Suzanne did not answer.
May 09, 14:26 – Barry texts Suzanne, “Done headed back.” He texted Suzanne that he was done and was headed home.
May 09, 14:31 – Barry texted Suzanne, “Did you leave.” At 2:31 PM, Barry texted Suzanne, “Did you leave.”
May 09, 14:39 – Libler messages Suzanne, she does not respond. First unread. Messages from LinkedIn show they were talking about how Suzanne is in love with Jeff before she went missing.
May 09, 14:43 – Barry’s phone and F-350, per telematics, arrive at the Morphew residence. "The photo is shown in the courtroom, Suzanne smiling. Truck GPS coordinates show Barry’s truck goes into park at 2:43:59. Phone coordinates show he walks around the house. You can hear a pin drop in the courtroom as tension is high." - Carol McKinley, PH Tweet
May 09, 14:44 – Shooting Chipmunks? Barry had a .22 in the moments when Suzanne ceased the communicate with everyone she loved in the world. Shooting Chipmunks? Barry had a .22 in the moments when Suzanne ceased the communicate with everyone she loved in the world. (See: https://www.reddit.com/SuzanneMorphew/comments/17lfboz/barry_and_the_chipmunks_aa_excerpts/ )
May 09, 14:46 – Libler messages: “Hey … your weather looks great” Second unread. No response from Suzanne.
May 09, 14:47 – Jeff sends another messages to Suzanne with no response. Third unread. Jeff sends last message if the day to Suzanne with no response.
May 09, 16:00 – 17:30 – Defense says Barry was at Salida Stove and Spa Salida Stove and Spa's posted hours have the store closing at 2pm on Saturday. Telematics show Barry's truck in his garage during the time he was supposedly at Salida Stove and Spa.
May 09, 16:44 – Barry parks his truck in the garage. Barry claims to have been loading his truck and cleaning off his workbench. (See: https://www.google.com/maps/d/edit?hl=en&mid=1FSqlFRrywR8FkytAYkNM-bdSxvKVK5MP&ll=39.173623131314%2C-105.63244&z=8)
May 09, 17:33 – Barry’s truck system manually rebooted Barry attempted to disable the trucks GPS and SYNC features.
May 09, 18:40, 18:46 – SO sends two Snapchats to Suzanne that were never opened SO sends two Snapchats to Suzanne that were never opened
May 09, 21:25 – Barry’s truck goes into reverse, backs 96.8 feet down driveway Barry backs 96 feet out of the garage.
May 09, 22:17 – Barry’s Phone Exits out of Airplane Mode Barry's phone comes out of airplane mode at the Morphew residence.
May 10, 02:53 – Outgoing call on Suzanne’s phone Possible glitch.
May 10, 03:25 – 03:48 – Barry’s truck door opened and closed "SA Hoyland noted over eighty events involving the F350 during this timeframe."
May 10, 03:58 – Barry’s phone moves from home to near where Suzanne’s bike found 3:58 am BM cell moves from home to near 225/50 where bike found Carol McKinley PH Tweets (read from bottom tweet up): 431 am 5/10 Barry’s phone goes back into airplane mode at the his home. 5:37 am – morphew turns into buena vista & heads towards broomfield. 538 he texts his mom “happy ... Read more
May 10, 04:10 – 04:23 – Last Activity from Suzanne’s iPhone Sergeant Mullenax asked dispatch to ping the number given for Suzanne’s cell phone. Dispatch informed Mullenax that the cell phone appeared to be off and last known activity was at 4:23AM on the present date, with a general location about 11.5 miles west of a cell tower in Poncha Springs, CO.
May 10, 04:32 – Barry’s Phone Goes Back into Airplane Mode Barry's Phone Goes Back into Airplane Mode
May 10, 04:32 – 05:14 – Chasing Elk, or Staging Evidence? Barry's trip to Garfield adds an approximate five miles each way to his morning trip, and places Barry and his vehicle in the direction the helmet was discarded - west from the bicycle.
May 10, 05:00 – Morgan Gentile Hears Barry’s Truck on Hwy 50 Gentile stated she did not see the truck but that his truck has a very distinctive exhaust.
May 10, 05:14 – 06:56 – Barry on the road to Broomfield. Barry phone exits airplane mode while heading towards Buena Vista, CO.
May 10, 08:10 – Trash Dump #1 – RTD Bus Stop Hwy 36 Agent Grusing: "Yes. He would have time -- with the passenger door opening and closing -- like it would say passenger door opened at 8:10:36 am and then passenger door closed at 8:12:13 am. So it took about a minute and a half and that trash can is only 10 to 15 steps away from where the truck was parked."
May 10, 08:14 – 08:20 Holiday Inn Express, Broomfield. Trash Dump #2 Grusing: "He said he parked there because he hoped someone would come out and he could go in the hotel before checking in and get a free breakfast." (Note: It was mid-COVID lockdown, building capacities were down to single digits.)
May 10, 08:41 – 08:46 – “I made it to Broomfield call me when you get a chance” Barry texts Suzanne.
May 10, 08:46 – Barry carries items into the Holiday Inn Express “If there’s clothes in my truck, there was probably old clothes I threw away.”
May 10, 10:06 – Barry exits hotel room. He's carrying a charcoal long-sleeved shirt, two white bags, and a pair of boots.
May 10, 10:20 – 10:41 – McDonald’s – Trash Dump #3 SA Grusing said Barry had a small item in his hand and used one arm to push it down, then both to push it further down as Barry was shown the photos.
May 10, 10:47 – 11:18 – Men’s Wearhouse Trash Dump #4 Barry was told he was there for about 40 minutes and asked if he remembered what he was doing there. Barry said, “I think I was still cleaning my truck, umm, yeah, yeah I mean, like I said, I just uh, I would, I was probably getting crap out of my truck like I said, which I’ve done my whole entire life.”
May 10, 11:18 – Barry calls MG "Barry called he was out of breathe (sic) panting but fatigue, kind a like hungover but he doesn’t drink, honestly when I hung up I thought to myself he sounded like he had the worst night of his life.” - MG
May 10, 11:23 – 11:36 – Barry back at the HIE Barry carries in disorganized papers in a binder. Carries out an organized binder.
May 10, 11:57 – 12:25 – Barry at the worksite Barry spent 28 minutes removing a few blocks from the wall.
May 10, 12:28 – 12:41 – HIE Trash Dump #5 A camera recorded Barry throwing away: a small item, one white trash bag, larger in size than the previous bags in one hand, a black container, along with a piece of clothing, possibly a camouflage coat.
May 10, 12:42 – 18:03 – Barry remains in his HIE room. ”At 3:30PM, Barry sent an outgoing message to Suzanne 'Call me'"
May 10, 2020 (Time Unknown) – Libler wishes Suzanne a Happy Mother’s Day Commented that it would be a hard day because she missed her own mother.
May 10, 2020 – 15:30 – Barry texts Suzanne from his hotel room. At 3:30PM, Barry sent an outgoing message to Suzanne “Call me”
May 10, 15:50 – 17:45 – Suzanne is discovered “missing” “I’m just so sad and REDCATED and I texted mom for Mother’s Day and she still hasn’t answered and I’m scared her and dad probably got in a big fight and I don’t even know it just made me want to be gone even more because I don’t want to be around them it hurts me and I know if REDACTED is working I might have to be home a lot more and it’ll probably be the worst summer of my life.”- MM2 text.
May 10, 17:55 – 19:10 – Barry leaving Broomfield 6:10 pm - Barry entered the lobby carrying two shovels and placed them beside the front desk. He made subsequent trips, placing more tools in the same spot.
May 10, 19:31 – Chaffee County finds the bike “Something is up with the front tire,” Deputy Brown
May 10, 20:42 – Barry arrives at CR 255 & US 50 "Barry is heard asking if deputies saw any “cats” on the road and a deputy says not recently."
May 10, 21:37 – CCSO Commander Avila brings Barry into the house for scent items. Barry does not call out or look for his wife in the home.
May 10, After 21:47 – Barefoot prints in the Bobcat Bucket Deputy Brown was walking in the driveway when Deputy Defurio told him that there were barefoot marks inside of the bucket on the Bobcat. Deputy Brown went with him to examine and found that the cutting blade on the bucket of the Bobcat appeared to be newly replaced, along with the nuts and bolts.
May 10, 22:00 – MG and JP smell chlorine and have the wrong tools in Broomfield. “It looked like Barry had removed top caps that was it. We also did not have the tools we need like a packer or gravel.”
May 11, 2020 – First Interviews, Puma Path Searched "On May 11, 2020, at about 7:00AM, Barry called Morgan and said that Suzanne was missing and he thought a mountain lion may have attacked her. Morgan explained that Barry was initially crying but then abruptly shifted to the specifics about the Broomfield job."
May 11, 2020 – 14:47 – Libler sends last message to Suzanne. Wishing her well for her scheduled final cancer treatment that day.
May 12, 2020 – 20:00 – Barry found digging in the trash at Poncha Market “He went to write down a description of maybe what she was wearing,” Butala said. “I just thought it was weird because he didn’t explain what the color of her eyes were or her hair or anything about her, like how tall she was or anything.”
May 13, 2020 – Deputy Carricato took photos of scratches on Barry’s left arm and hands. These injuries appeared to be healing, several days old scratches.
May 13, 2020 – Fundraiser created $33,552 raised
May 17, 2020 – 11:13 – Barry’s “plea” video is released on Facebook. “Oh Suzanne, if anyone is out there and can hear this, that has you, please, we’ll do whatever it takes to bring you back. We love you, we miss you, your girls need you. No questions asked, however much they want – I will do whatever it takes to get you back. Honey, I love you, I want you back so bad.”
May 19, 2020 – Interviews, Pneu-Darts, Range Rovers "CCSO Deputy Scott Himschoot was present during the search at 19057 Puma Path, in the laundry room, and was asked to collect a “pneu-dart box, empty,” one plastic hypodermic cover, one Pneu-dart book from safe in garage, one dart from box under bench in garage, among other items. The plastic cover was located by evidence search teams in the dryer, inside of the sheets belonging to REDACTED bed." (At some point we had confirmation of a to-do list Suzanne left including MM1s bedding in hopes that the older girls would spend the night. Cannot remember the source.)
May 20, 2020 – Spy Pen found. "The pen was located in a cloth bin amongst women’s bras. The cloth bin and pen were inside the walk-in closet in the master bedroom, located on the ground level of the residence. Detective Hysjulien located, with the pen, the controller and headphones for playback and a USB cable."
June 1, 2020 – Barry files for guardianship. Within a month of Suzanne’s disappearance, Barry began to liquidate assets.
June 1, 2020 – TD interviews Barry on camera. "So, uh -- we uh --. We had two daughters that were coming home from a trip. And I got a job in Denver that I wanted to get started on on Sunday. Set it up for my work because my rookies are coming in Sunday night. (Unintelligible) Monday but I, being the owner, I wanted to get everything lined up so that (Unintelligible).
June 6, 2020 – Barry closes on IN home. Pockets $750,000
June 25, 2020 – Barry purchases the Longhorn Ranch property for $165,000 Property Address 8366 LONGHORN DR
July 13, 2020 – Barry sells Suzanne’s Range Rover. Leaves Suzanne's sunglasses in the car.
Aug 20, 2020 – Lauren Scharf Interviews Barry “People don’t know the truth, so they’re gonna think what they’re gonna think.”
October 05, 2020 – Barry lists Puma Path home for sale. Originally listed for $1,759,000.
November 2020 – Barry Commits Voter Fraud Barry filled out Suzanne's ballot and mailed it in.
February 17, 2021 – Barry Sells Longhorn Ranch property for $150,000 A $15,000 loss. Same property sold on 04/21/2021 for $175,000, indicating Barry needed the money fast.
March 3, 2021 – 19057 Puma Path sells for $1,625,000. Barry and Suzanne Morphew purchased the home on April 12, 2018 for $1,575,000.
May 4, 2021 – Warrant Issued for the Arrest of Barry Lee Morphew CRS/CHARGE: 18-3-102 (1), (a) Murder in the First Degree, a class 1 Felony, 18-8-610. Tampering with Physical Evidence, a class 6 felony, 18-8-306, Attempt to Influence a Public Servant, a class 4 Felony.
May 5, 2021 – 09:15 – Barry Lee Morphew Arrested for the murder of Suzanne Renee Moorman Morphew "Morphew was arrested around 9:15 a.m. on Wednesday, May 5 near his home in Poncha Springs. FOX31 News has obtained video of the arrest, which shows his truck stopped on the side of the road near several police vehicles. He can be seen standing just off the road with an officer." AA: https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21065843-21cr78-morphew-redacted-affidavit
August 9-12, 2021 – Preliminary Hearing. Day One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15wZ86C3zQ6kh9VGOUCJcr0ipCoFeaXkdowmwyaruiIQ/edit?usp=drive_link
Day Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QKa1jcH2dAqe9Wezew-KbLCDuicrm1HgfwC4oGwM8Dg/edit?usp=drive_link
Day Three got corrupted so it's gone.
People's exhibit images: https://imgur.com/a/hgvlBUt Defense exhibit images: https://imgur.com/a/VC3ZfUZ
April 19, 2022 - Case against Barry Morphew Dismissed Without Prejudice. Prosecution asked for the case to be dismissed.
May 2, 2023 – Barry files $15,000,000 lawsuit against Chaffee County, et.al. https://www.9news.com/article/news/local/barry-morphew-lawsuit/73-3cea50c2-cdae-4338-8de9-9e113d33db6c
May 8, 2023 – Fraud Lawsuit filed against Barry in Indiana. Property dispute. https://denvergazette.com/news/courts/barry-morphew-sued-fraud-allegations-land-dispute/article_1c7cd90e-f4f5-11ed-9778-47c9c303d16d.html
September 22, 2023 – Suzanne's Remains Found Near Moffat in Saguache County While SCSO was searching for another (unrelated) missing woman. https://www.cbsnews.com/colorado/news/suzanne-morphew-remains-found-colorado-missing-mother-barry-chaffee-county-disappearance/
Sept. 27, 2023 – Autopsy Completed. Awaiting Toxicology. https://cbi.colorado.gov/news-article/suzanne-morphew-autopsy-results-cbi-update-0https://www.cbsnews.com/colorado/news/autopsy-complete-remains-missing-colorado-mom-suzanne-morphew/
April 29, 2024 – Toxicology finds BAM in Suzanne's bone marrow. “Homicide by undetermined means in the setting of butorphanol, azaperone, and medetomidine intoxication.” https://www.scribd.com/document/727780041/Suzanne-Morphew-autopsy-results https://www.cpr.org/2024/04/29/suzanne-morphew-died-by-homicide-with-tranquilizer-chemicals-present-in-body-according-to-autopsy-report/

I, My Sister, My Mother and My Grandmother live together in a big house. My Father left when i was 2, My Grandpa is alive but has never been in my life and my Grandmas Second Lover who i consider to be my grandpa died in 2011 to Lung Cancer.
So heres what hapened today. Tell me if ive been gaslighted or not but it sure feels like it:
My pet bearded dragon got a wierd lump on her upper lip that she flinches from whenever i touch it so its obviosly painful. I told my mother who said she whoudnt bring her to a vet because shes tired and it costs money. (Mind you ive told her many times in the past 3 months to take her to a vet). I told my grandmother and she just chucked about it and said shes fine and she whoudnt be doing it.
I offered to pay the vet fees and my Sister even offered to pay them but they still refuse.
We argued untill my grandma walked in. We spoke back and forth untill my Grandma insulted me. I insulted her back with a way less bad insult and then she called me a Moron and i called her stupid.
My mother came between us and looked at me and told that i had to stop even tho my grandma started it by insulting me first. Now both are angry at me and my mother told me im scary when im mad (even tho i havent even touched them in 4 Years when ive been mad and last time i did i just grabed my mother by her shoulders gently and said please lissen to me, i havent actually hit anyone in anger for 10+ years and im 21 yet im still too scary i guess) and my mother said i had to think about what i said. I asked what was the wrong thing i said. She dodged the question like 3 times and started to speak about someting else.
When she finaly answeared she said 'Do you think what you said will make things better or change someting?' I said 'I guess not.' (Since me and my grandmas fight end the same way everytime where my mother picks her side and im left on my own to make the whole thing be my fault). I told her 'How did my Grandmother insulting me help?' She said 'You shouldnt insult her and i should respect my elderly.' I said now in anger 'I dont respect her nor you right now and i cant believe what im hearing' she then left to the balcony to smoke like she allways does after these fights.
I was so angered and annoyed but then my Sister came to me and started calming me down and said she agreed me. We talked back and forth till i wasent as angry anymore and i just walked into the bathroom and cooled off there.
I hate these 2 women and how my mother is such a coward to allways take my grandmas side. ( Couple times she has spoken to me later to tell me she agreed with me and that she didint want to fight with her mother. But apearently her son isint off the limits even tho acording to her im scary when mad and when i told her so was Grandma she just said no she isint. So wtf. )
Not to mention my mother told me i ruined her day afterwards. Is this gaslighting? If it is its been hapening since i was a little kid.
I wonder what it takes for them to finaly go and bring her to a vet... they preasured me to get her in the first place. I said i wasent sure if i was responsible enough and that its an exotic pet that needs medical check ups. They told me that someone else was trying to buy her and that this might be my only change so i got her. Yet when i complained to them about that they both looled angry or very annoyed and refused to answear that.
I feel bullied due to my Autism and memory problems causing me to often forget things i or they said wich makes this even more annoying. I allways apologise for these since i see things better that way than us being mad at each other. My grandma even has said to me that if i fought with her like this again she whould leave. That was years ago so obviosly she wasent being serious but still.
This time? No i refuse to apologise i did nothing wrong. Mayby i shoudnt have insulted my grandma back but at that point them seemingly seeing my pet as some toy made me so angry i did insult her back. And now i remember what i called her and what she called me. She called me a Log-Head and i called her a Car Jack. After wich she called me a moron and i called her stupid. Thats how it went and that was the worst thing i did in this.
This isint the first time all this hapened. This is like the hundred time. My family well...
My Sister is Timid and doesent want to take part in these fights but she often messages to me or just tells me later that i was in the right when all is over. (i dont blame her for being timid, shes had a rough childhood in being depressed, bullied and loosing half her hearing to infection.)
My Mother is Scared of her mother clearly but even when our Grandma isint involved she never has said to me she was wrong. For example yesterday she said 'Coffee doesent corrode your teeth.' I called bs and googled and i was correct and coffee is acidic and can corrode your teeth. I told her to admid she was wrong like 5 times and she never did. This was a minor thing but upon reflecting now i dont think she has ever apologised for being wrong ever.
My grandmother if im being honest is a Hypocritical, Fuse-Headed, Short Minded, Self-Apathetic, Hard working old Woman. I love her and i care for her but shes just so infuriating. I often for fun mimic my Sister, Mother and Grandmothers speech to joke around but when my grandma hears me mimic them its okay, but if i mimic her im the bad guy. Worst of all shes mimiced me many times and ive not been offended by it.
So there. What do you think? Mayby it is really me whos the problem and in my autistic mind i just dont understand.
TL:DR: ( Too Long Didint Read)
My Mother takes my Grandmas side in everything even if its obvious shes in the wrong and they both gaslight me into thinking i was in the wrong in our fights and now i dont know what to do.
I was sugested to come here from Relationships

Before I get to the meat of it, I want to make it known that this is my own opinion and criticism. I am an early backer from when the game was just switching over from Kickstarter. Ever since then, I've had high hopes and aspirations for the game. In the beginning, the space sim market was completely dead and many were saying PC gaming was an afterthought. I believe this game is changing both of those actively and so I still retain high hopes - though sometimes it feels like its against my better judgement due to actions (and inactions) CIG has taken. CIG's integrity as a company has been eroding gradually over the years in my eyes due to deliberate choices the company has made. I'd like to give some examples.
First, CIG started with stretch goals for backers, which we blew through with record levels of funding. Unfortunately, many of those stretch goals have yet to be fulfilled. On the whole, that's understandable as some are fairly complex to do, but there are others which seem like they'd be relatively easy and routine that haven't been done, such as the crossbow FPS weapon. CIG has plenty of experience making and implementing FPS weapons by this point and they comparatively take little development time to complete. Why hasn't it been done? When's the last time we even saw a new FPS weapon release aside from different colorations of existing ones? This and other examples like this makes us older backers feel forgotten about and, at worst, used and stepped on toward larger audiences who didn't take as large a risk as we did by putting faith in you so early.
The second point I'd like to draw attention to is the incident in which CIG decided to charge money for virtual tickets to a Citizen Con stream. We, as backers, had entrusted our money and hopes to CIG only for the company to make an attempt to charge admission for us to see what was supposed to be our yearly progress report and showcase for a game that hadn't been released yet. Surely a reasonable person could understand why this was insulting to fans of the game. It was said that this decision was made to foster a larger and more spectacular Citizen Con for the fans, but over the years other actions that seem driven by marketing and financial goals have cast doubt on this explanation for me.
A more gameplay related point is that of the F8C and F7A Mk. II ships. Initially, the F7A Mk. II was not supposed to be available to players. The F8C was only supposed to be obtainable upon completing SQ42. Now both are released into the wild and in the hands of players. What happened to the conviction to make these ships special? A, perhaps, cynical application of Occam's Razor leads me to believe it was a decision made to drive sales and finances. At best, it was an easement due to the long time development was taking. Even if the later were true, the suspicion of the former will always lurk in my mind and that of others, I'm sure; further eroding trust in CIG's decision making.
My final example, and perhaps the more recently relevant one, is that of the gradual degradation of "Death of a Spaceman" (DoaS). The first idea and design lettedocument around the concept was incredible, but so much of it has been compromised. To start, the cloning system was implemented. To be clear, the cloning aspect was always a part of DoaS, but it being implemented without medical gameplay intervention was strange. While I can understand that it may have been a necessity for gameplay realities, it was still disappointing, and now it appears to be a permanent solution - at least from a backer's perspective. Now recently we've been told that all current ship medical beds will be able to clone players back into existence. This is despite some of those medical beds not being able to treat critical injuries. How can a piece of equipment that can clone an entire human being not treat serious injuries? Where is the consistency? I think the larger point, however, is a feeling of betrayal imparted unto some of the backers who are enthusiasts of, arguably, one of the most ignored professions in the game; the medics. I, myself, am not one of these people, but I feel for them as what little profession gameplay they had has now been gutted. Entire organizations had the rug pulled out from them in the name of convenience, sadly. It begs the question "why?" and the answer that looms as the most likely isn't a pleasant one - to push and sell a new medical vehicle. I don't want to look at it so cynically, but the timing and the sudden nature of the change from out of nowhere makes the consideration of such a greed induced motive hard to shake. Especially in a world and hobby that has been riddled with greedy companies making decisions for the bottom line over the quality of gameplay recently.
So, for discussion, I'd like to hear from everyone else. Are there other examples that have deteriorated your trust in CIG over the years? Please sound off and let your voice be heard. I don't think it's too late for the company to either correct the misperception or avoid further erosion with choices in the future. Also, from one long-term backer to another, I'd like to hear what Jared ( u/therealdiscolando ) has to say on this, given his unique perspective and also the fact that he is ultimately one of us. Additionally, I'd like to invite any input Tyler ( u/CaptainZyloh ) might have as our dedicated and ever-enthusiastic Community Manager that very obviously does his damnedest for said community. Lastly, I invite any of the developers to comment because I want this project to succeed. I want CR to succeed. This black cloud that hovers over this project for some of us could be dispelled with some communication around it and I am coming from a place of concern, not anger, and promise to engage in the topic in good faith. Lastly, and just for the record, I have no intent of turning my back on the project - rather I want it to succeed in such an explosive way that anyone who disparaged it is riddled with regret for missing the experience of staying astride of its development. I firmly believe this game and company has the potential to change the face of gaming forever.

*WARNING: I am extremely clingy, and I want other extremely clingy people, no snowflakes, no politically charged people, no drama queens*
Hello fellow redditors ^(\tips fedora*)* I have come looking for company ^(\sheaths my katana*)* and i'm sure there is one among you who will gladly fill that role ^(\swings my trenchcoat around*)* or so I have been told. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jokes aside I have tried posting on reddit before, and it has worked for me in the past, although it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. Most people tend to just randomly add me or completely ignore things I have said so it never really goes anywhere.

BASICS

• I am above 18
• I have schizoaffective including chronic depression
• I am technically doing "rehabilitation" right now focusing on being happy and calm
• I am a very slow paced & easily stressed person
• I am 24/7 on my computer more or less
• I don't do well with questions about me or what things I like, etc ^{(because some people got mean about this, i have to clarify it just means i am not good at knowing what to say, i'm not prepared with all kind of information with myself i just try to go through my life as it comes, it doesn't mean i can't talk about it})
• I am not good at picking things, being decisive or leading
• I am not good with small talk
• I adapt my timezone to the person I am playing with
• I feel like a baby looking for a parent
• I get overwhelmed a lot
• I have very low drive and motivation right now
• I stress myself out a lot

GAMES

• Steam 2023 Game Summary LINK
• Quick Graph IMAGE

check my post history for more info & contact
At the end of the day i'm just a babu looking for attention and care, to feel cozy and not alone, please take it easy and understand life is not that easy for me right now, I need a lot of carrots on a stick to get myself moving even on my own. I get overwhelmed very easily.
I don't really look at reddit chat, or at reddit in general that much, so please try not to contact me here, I wouldn't see it for a long time. Add my steam!
I've never made such a complete post before so if I have overdone it, missed something or been a bit silly please let me know :(
thanks for reading

*WARNING: I am extremely clingy, and I want other extremely clingy people, no snowflakes, no politically charged people, no drama queens*
Hello fellow redditors ^(\tips fedora*)* I have come looking for company ^(\sheaths my katana*)* and i'm sure there is one among you who will gladly fill that role ^(\swings my trenchcoat around*)* or so I have been told. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jokes aside I have tried posting on reddit before, and it has worked for me in the past, although it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. Most people tend to just randomly add me or completely ignore things I have said so it never really goes anywhere.

BASICS

• I am above 18
• I have schizoaffective including chronic depression
• I am technically doing "rehabilitation" right now focusing on being happy and calm
• I am a very slow paced & easily stressed person
• I am 24/7 on my computer more or less
• I don't do well with questions about me or what things I like, etc ^{(because some people got mean about this, i have to clarify it just means i am not good at knowing what to say, i'm not prepared with all kind of information with myself i just try to go through my life as it comes, it doesn't mean i can't talk about it})
• I am not good at picking things, being decisive or leading
• I am not good with small talk
• I adapt my timezone to the person I am playing with
• I feel like a baby looking for a parent
• I get overwhelmed a lot
• I have very low drive and motivation right now
• I stress myself out a lot
• Me: IMAGE

GAMES

• Steam 2023 Game Summary LINK
• Quick Graph IMAGE

check my post history for more info & contact
At the end of the day i'm just a babu looking for attention and care, to feel cozy and not alone, please take it easy and understand life is not that easy for me right now, I need a lot of carrots on a stick to get myself moving even on my own. I get overwhelmed very easily.
I don't really look at reddit chat, or at reddit in general that much, so please try not to contact me here, I wouldn't see it for a long time. Add my steam!
I've never made such a complete post before so if I have overdone it, missed something or been a bit silly please let me know :(
thanks for reading

~ This is an unapologetic long-form read for those who might enjoy such things. If that's not you, keep "scrollin".....go find a "meme" or something...LOL ~
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I've recently been greatly enjoying the "sharing" of my former....PIMO exit strategies, back when these were in full swing a few decades ago now.
The people I've been most enjoying "sharing" these with, is my now, somewhat "aged" PIMI parents.
And it's as my heading says....simply because it's now become totally safe for me to do this.
One of these "strategies" I was particularly proud of, was turning up early at a huge District Convention....and then deliberately seeking out as many members from our own Kingdom Hall in order to BE SEEN by them. So you know, a little bit of small talk and then we'd give some vague intimation that we were seated in some rather crazy, high up area within the huge "stadia" which was invariably used as a venue for such events.
( WE....in this instance = My young wife and my equally young self...)
Once we'd really exposed our presence to as many people as possible, we then knew that eventually, these KH members would bump into our respective parents and siblings and that THEIR "small talk" would likely cover how they'd seen us both earlier on that day.
"Oh yeah.....I was just talking to "Bonnie & Clyde" (made up names)....a little earlier. They mentioned they were seated high up in the stands somewhere..."
You know...THAT type of typical assembly "small talk" which usually takes place.
So, with this all in place.....my wife and I would then go separately to the car park area and meet up together.
This would be done right at the time the morning "prayer" was being given to ensure as many closed eyes as possible.
We'd then blaze out of that car park.....and head for the beach.
We had clothes changes already prepared and packed, and a hamper full of food and other goodies in the boot ...(or "trunk" )
Fast-forward 30 years and I'm now "confessing" this to my PIMI parents in a kind of:
"It's time you finally heard the truth..." .....type manner.
For those who may be interested, I'll do my level best to faithfully document the conversation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PIMI PARENT: "So you played us?"
ME: "Oh yes....absolutely"
PIMI PARENT: "It wouldn't have mattered, Jehovah sees everything."
ME: "We didn't care what Jehovah saw, he wasn't our problem back then. YOU were our problem. And by YOU....I mean our JW family. You see, we strongly suspected, and to this day....still believe....that our JW family members had one very predictable thing in common, and that is that they all walked by SIGHT. We knew (for example) that so long as you thought our "bodies" were obediently seated at those conventions, you didn't really care too much what our "hearts or minds" were focused upon and yearning for.....and the many years that have since passed have proven us to be DEAD RIGHT about this.
PIMI PARENT: "What do you mean by THAT?"
ME: "Well.....how long is it now since we (Bonnie & Clyde) ...have ever stepped foot in a Kingdom Hall? It's been a very loooong time right?
PIMI PARENT: "Yes....that's been your own choice.."
ME: "Well...we were as clear about this back then, as we are now. But back then, it wasn't US who had a problem with that life-choice.....it was YOU."
PIMI PARENT: "Yes...but Jehovah..."
ME: "Can I respectfully, just stop you there. Do you honestly think or believe that we, in any way....share YOUR beliefs or concerns as these pertain to "Jehovah?" We don't now, and we never did back then. We TOTALLY get that you wanted us to be aligned with yourselves in this way, but we also reserved the right to exercise our own agency and choice in this matter."
PIMI PARENT: "So why bother with all that deception and facade that you're now telling me about?"
ME: "I'm so glad you've asked this. It was because YOU could neither be trusted, nor be expected to maturely handle OUR truth....should we have disclosed it to you back then.
You'd have withdrawn your support, your good-will, your familial fellowship and....thinking you were doing the right thing.....you'd have made our lives hell and tried to give us emotional traumas that neither of us rightly deserved.
And if I had ever granted you "just cause" in your own mind, and allowed you to follow through on all of that extremely predictable behaviour, then me and you would not be sitting here today discussing these things.
You'd have gone on the attack with me....(or with us) ....and my response to this would NOT have been pretty. YOU would have mistakenly thought that you could threaten me with "shunning" behaviour in order to leverage your own position, but I would have then shown you what shunning REALLY IS....because that would have been the last time I would ever have spoken to you or had dealings with you. I would have totally upped the ante on that religious "shunning" and without one shred of conscience, I'd have deemed you to be nought but an utterly moronic cult member who was of no practical use to me anymore.
I'd have moved as far away as it was possible to get, and you'd NEVER see me or your potential grandchildren ever again.
PIMI PARENT: "Well....you've always known your own mind.."
ME: "Well yes.....but I've always known the Jehovah's Witness mind also, because you raised me against that backdrop....and sadly, the Jehovah's Witness mind is EXTREMELY predictable.
PIMI PARENT: "What do you mean?"
ME: "Well, the JW mind was once so predictable, that it enabled me and my young wife to enjoy a nice sunny day on the beach, whilst all our JW family members thought we were seated in some boring...hours and days long convention. But I wasn't stupid. I knew the only flaw in this plan would be if Jehovah really existed and this really WAS the true religion.....and that the 1980s /90's really were this system's last days. We'd have been utter fools to have bolted for the beach if all of that stuff was really true....wouldn't we?
PIMI PARENT: "Well....you obviously didn't believe it to be true then did you?"
ME: "No....we did not.....it was YOU who believed all that....not us. So why did WE have to sit in that convention? To keep "Jehovah" happy? No.....we didn't really care too much about his happiness....but we DID CARE about our family's happiness, and we also cared about the possible damage and disruption our own self-assertion might have caused had we been too premature and not as calculating as to WHEN we would finally declare this.
PIMI PARENT: "I just can't imagine why you'd put yourselves through all that......deception?"
ME: "Oh....I know you can't. Because if you COULD imagine why, then that would mean that you could both relate to.....and understand.....what it feels like to experience rather burdensome religious expectation.....which only exists to keep YOUR PARENTS happy, and your familial relationships semi-normal.
It's an assumed dedication which means nothing to you....personally.....but is a notion which your very own parents simply can't compute or accept.
But you accept it NOW don't you?
PIMI PARENT: "Well, it all happened a long time ago...we were never perfect. We just wanted the best for you."
ME: "I know....and on the day we bunked off to the beach....we wanted the best for us too, believe it or not. We just had some very different ideas about what "the best for us" might really entail on such a beautiful, scorching hot day. Life is made up of such days, and you don't get them back. You're older now yourself and you surely know this.
PIMI PARENT: "So....I suppose there's a lot more we really don't know about that you were getting up to back then?"
ME: " Oh yesss indeed.....and NOW you're starting to get it if I may say so respectfully.
PIMI PARENT: "Get WHAT?"
ME: " Get the fact that whatever we've never disclosed to you, was always done with honourable and healthy motives. You see, we believe that your religion has the power to totally ruin and compromise familial relationships.
PIMI PARENT: "No....but...Jeho..."
ME: "Shhh...Just hear me out. We've NEVER LET that happen. Left to you, it could easily have happened at any time. But once we learned and accepted that your religion makes you unapproachable and utterly untrustworthy confidantes.....due to your pressing need to try and "judge" other people's deeds and actions.....well, we decided that you'd only ever be getting a sanitised and carefully edited version of our deeds and actions.
PIMI PARENT: "But you're both a well respected and responsible "worldly" couple who contributes a lot to the world's most needy people. What could you possibly disclose that would make us think ill of you....especially now that you could even be grandparents yourselves?"
ME: " Well....we still do some TERRIBLE things behind your back. We celebrate birthdays, and we celebrate Christmas....(for example) We have strong political opinions and we enjoy visiting Churches and Cathedrals for the aesthetic value. But the absolute WORST thing we harbour from you is that we think your religion is a man-made cult, and that you have basically wasted your lives in service to something deeply unworthy of the people you really are.....beneath that facade you wear...
PIMI PARENT: "This discussion is OVER !! "
ME: " Mmmm....I thought that might be just a tad TOO MUCH honest disclosure. There are some things that even the passage of time can't easily soften....so deeply anchored and entrenched are they.."
PIMI PARENT: Has indignantly left the Chat...
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I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Actual-Beach-4400 and u/Affectionate_Egg895 posting in Marriage
Concluded as per OOP
Content warning - mention of child sexual abuse, miscarriage
2 updates - Medium
Original - 30th March 2024
Update1 - 20th April 2024
Update2 - 13th May 2024
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My husband kicked me out of the home because I invited over his mother
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I preface this by saying I think I screwed up massively.
Hubbie and I have been married for six years now. He's always been the "fun guy", always laughing and making me laugh, always seeing the bright side of things. However, one thing that bothered me was that I never knew much of his family. His father died when he was little and he has little relationship with his mom.
I'll keep this short: four months ago I looked up his mom on social media and found her. I sent a message, and she replied. We chatted and met up, she doesn't live far from us. She knew all about me and her son because she kept an eye on him on social. We became friends and I filled her in with details about our lives. I asked her why hubbie went no contact with her. She refused to tell me why if hubbie didn't tell me, just said it was all her fault and she's ashamed of it. I proposed to try what I could to help them reconcile and she agreed even if she was reluctant at first.
In the following weeks I tried talking to hubbie about his mother and what happened between them. He always changed topic or shut me down. When MIL asked me how it was going, I told her things were progressing and I was working on it.
Last week I decided to try and have them meet up so maybe we could spend Easter together. I invited MIL over before my husband would be back from work so we could surprise. She was a bit unsure about this, she said she wasn't comfortable surprising him like that, but I reassured her. I thought that any emotion hubbie could have would be better cooled by a hug.
Spoiler alert, MIL was right. Hubbie came home, and after the initial shock started yelling like I never heard him to her to get out immediately. She just grabbed her coat and stormed out. Afterwards, hubbie told me to get out too when I explained what I had done. He didn't yell at me, but his voice was cold and almost emotionless.
I've been staying at my sister's since. Hubbie won't take my calls. MIL cried on the phone and asked why I lied like that and never talked to my hubbie and "prepared" him for that. Now she stopped taking my calls as well.
I know I have screwed up big time, and I see now what a massive dork I've been. How can I fix this? I want to apologize to hubbie for what I did and maybe find out why his mom is dead to him.
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Comments
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Maze_C
You’re a manipulative liar with no concept of boundaries. You’re staring divorce in the face and STILL want details on a situation that has absolutely fuck all to do with you. You know you’re a despicable person when even the estranged mother wants nothing to do with you. Grow up.
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Update - 3 weeks later
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The last weeks have been rough, but we might be okay. Hubbie opened up about the reason he cut off his mother and many of you were right, it was s3xual abuse. Not from his mother, but his stepfather. They were engaged and his mom was pregnant with his child when the guy started giving my husband "attentions".
Husband went to his mom but she shut him down accusing him of being jealous and wanting to spoil her happiness. This went on until his mother came home from work unexpectedly and walked in on the guy "giving attention" to my husband. She kicked him out, pressed charges and annulled their engagement, but the damage was done and my husband no longer trusted her. She also lost the baby due to stress and although she never blamed my husband for it, he felt it was his fault.
All this felt like a gut punch for me, first for what he went through, and then because now I am the person who shattered his trust. He said he did consider divorce over this, but pretty bluntly said that he thinks my actions were out of stupidity rather than malice, and he wants to work things out.
I am committed to do my best to become a better and safe partner for him, I know I have this stupid and selfish tendency to think that I often know better than him, but I have to get over it because it hurt him massively and almost imploded our relationship. I don't want to be another person he trusted and ended up hurting him.
He also decided to reach out to his mom and start talking to her again. He's not sure they can repair the relationship, but he wants for both of them to find some closure.
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Comments
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Strange_Salamander33
Literally, she forced him to relive trauma and tell a secret she had no business knowing. I’d definitely have divorced
RegieRealtor49
To be fair he had not told her about the abuse. She had no idea

OOP: I know I screwed up massively and I will do everything I can to become a better wife and safe partner for him

xanif
Another example of someone with a savior complex trying to "fix" things.
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Update - 3 weeks later
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My husband is doing better and our relationship is slowly getting back to what it was. I know it will take a lot of time to repair the damage I caused, but I am willing to give him all the time he wants and do anything he asks out of me.
The bitter irony of this whole story is that he told me he had been thinking about reaching out to his mother, but on his terms and time. By going behind his back I almost destroyed that chance of reconciliation and imploded our marriage. I am working on myself and will start seeing a therapist next month so I never do something like that ever again and more importantly, never betray his trust ever again. Also, with my husband's knowledge and consent, I apologized to MIL for leading her on with false promises and she has forgiven me.
As for him and MIL, they started talking to each other, have met a couple of times in public and yesterday my husband invited her over for dinner so that in his words we all can try to start over properly. She's a very sweet woman and she's eager to reconcile with him and get to know me. My husband said that for now he wants for all of us to get a bit used to each other, then he and MIL will get to work on their traumas (his words).
He says she's not the "villain" in what happened, but he needs to come to terms with her poor decisions and his own feelings of guilt for her losing her baby. MIL on the other hand is very apologetic and extremely sorry about what happened (in my husband's opinion, sincerely so) and doesn't blame him at all for the miscarriage.
As for me, I just sit aside and do my best to rebuild the trust with my husband and become a better and safe partner. He started being affectionate with me again and we are no longer on thin ice, but I can't stop thinking I almost lost him because I thought I knew better than him.
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Comments
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Veronika9216
I remember your story, and I hope you appreciate how lucky you are to be given a second chance.
You know you screwed up when both your husband and the estranged parent are upset at you for what you have done. It seems you all are on the road of reconciling, but never forget that your short-sighted actions could have nuked any possibility of them reconciling and your own marriage.
Be thankful you are given this chance, don't screw it up and although your husband and MIL have forgiven you for breaking both their trusts, it will take time to rebuild their trust for you.
Syclone11
I am happy for you OP. You know how you massively screwed up and have shown yourself to be remorseful and have grasped what you did to your husband.
He and his mother have a lot of healing to do. You are right to stay out of it going forward unless asked by your husband. He is being affectionate because he does love you and knows you deserve redemption and is looking to give you that gift. You are very lucky and I think this will make you a more complete partner. I wish nothing but the best for you, your husband and his mother.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Spoiler alert, I think the answer is yes. Otherwise, there'd be no point in trying. I'm 29 years old and I'll be 30 by the end of the year. Lets count the ways in which I felt that I've fallen behind.
1) I have no home, I'm living with my parents. 2) I don't own a car. I did for a while but it was so old and broken I sold it for scraps, essentially. 3) I make significantly less than my peers. Some of whom are making 4 times as much as I am. 4) No funds have really been saved up. I've been working on clearing up debts for the past couple years. 5) I have no kids. I'm pretty sure I do want them but the older I get the abstract the idea becomes. 6) I have a gf but we're long distance and it will be hard to move to her due to financial constraints. 7) I'm probably 30-40 pounds heavier than maybe I should be.
So what do we have here? At least 7 different ways in which my life could improve. I like to break them up into categories of Health, Wealth and Love. So the question now I should ask myself is how did things end up with way?
I think the easy way would be to say that life has screwed me. And to some degree I think that's true. However, I think the main culprit is myself. As far back as I can remember I've taken the easy way out. I give up when things are hard. I couldn't possibly count all the ways in one post. But suffice to say, anytime I wanted to do something. I would be very excited in the beginning, realize it was gonna be harder than it looked, then run away. I did it with education, sports, creativity and all manner of extra curricular.
I take the path of least resistance. That path has lead me into no-man's-land. And I don't want to be there anymore.
If you're still reading, thanks for sticking around. I'm not quite sure what I need to do from here but I know it looks nothing like what I've been doing. Here are some of the things I want to accomplish, in no particular order:
1) Lost 30-40 pounds 2) Finish my degree 3) Acquire at least 3 certifications in my field 4) Quintuple my current earnings. 5) Marry the love of my life 6) Have kids 7) Learn 2 languages (Conversationally fluent) 8) Write 2 novels 9) Be proud of myself.
With regard to that last thing on the list. I don't hate myself for being where I'm at. I feel that for whatever reason, my brain thought that doing the things I did and being the way I was would lead to good outcomes. Maybe I'm not aware of how trauma and formative experiences affected who I became or who I needed to be. So I can't fault me for that. From the bottom of my heart I thank that baby, that toddler, that young boy and young man for taking me to where I am now. I couldn't have done it without him.
But I want to let him know that things have changed for me. Better yet, there are things I need to change. I'll be taking over from here. Maybe I could have done this 10 years ago but I didn't. Today is the day. I feel it necessary to log my changes, good or bad, somewhere permanent. I think this will be the place.
I'm not sure how often I should update. Any suggestions?
TLDR: I believe I've fallen behind in my finances, health and love. I (29M) am looking to improve my life by accomplishing at least these goals: 1) Lost 30-40 pounds, 2) Finish my degree, 3) Acquire at least 3 certifications in my field, 4) Quintuple my current earnings. 5) Marry the love of my life, 6) Have kids, 7) Learn 2 languages (Conversationally fluent), 8) Write 2 novels. Any thoughts on how often I should update?

Alakhai now understood. That impossibly strong psychic force was her sister, empowered by her own emotional instability. Alakhai knew not how to help her sister, or even if she should. Perhaps it would be best to simply put her down, give her a respite from her eternal pain. But as Alakhai approached her sister, she heard a rumbling, as if the ship was coming alive once more, and she could hear the groans of Marines, horrible groaning of the nearly dead.
Morrigan looked up to her sister, eyes wet with tears, wrapped in a soft embrace of vines and flowers that were attempting to calm her down. “Sister, I will not have you hurt my Lily. I suggest you leave. Because if you keep going, I will have no choice.” She took a deep breath, inhaling the sweet smell of her flowers, the sweet smell of her Lily.
Alakhai unsheathed her sword, and her retinue readied their weapons, prepared for a fight to the death, or near death. But they didn't stand a chance, as vines from every direction attacked them in the gaps in their armor, breaking their breathing apparatuses, forcing them to breathe the ship’s toxic air, so strong that only Death Guard marines could hope to survive. The White Fang marines began to cough, keeling over in horrible agony as they tried to hold their breath and stumble back to the clear air of the stormhawk they arrived on. Alakhai rushed to attack her sister, only for a giant tree that had grown along the wall to reach out and grapple her in its twisting branches.
Morrigan approached her sister with a startling speed, her crying face now twisted in a visage of insanity. “I told you sister; you should have left when you still had a chance. I’m afraid my Lily had to do what was necessary to protect me. The only thing I can offer your sons is an eternal slumber before the fertilization process becomes….painful. Now I may let you leave unharmed, but I need to be sure that you won't hurt my Lily again. Goodnight sister.” Morrigan blows a cloud of powder in her sister’s face, knocking her out cold.
Her sons drug her sister back to the stormhawk, and the marine inside decided they didnt want to ask any questions and left immediately. WIth her sister taken care of, Morrigan inspected the White Scars that had been infected. “Oh my, it seems your mother has abandoned you. Don't worry, I’ll make sure to water and prune you once you sprout. Now sleep, my sons.” She blew more powder in the faces of the sprouting White Scars, bringing the coughing marines to a standstill.
Now that the foray was over, Morrigan began to cry once more, her tears streaming down her face. “I’m so sorry Lily, are you hurt? Are any of our children hurt?” The walls of the ship began to enclose upon her, wrapping her tightly in a swathe of leaves and ferns. A flower wipes away her tears as the white scars marines are taken further into the ship to gestate and sleep.
“It is alright love. I am unhurt. Our children are unhurt. Now it is time for you to calm down, you need rest.” Morrigan heard in her head. Her Lily had used telepathic messages since the accident, and it was the only thing that kept her grounded in reality. The blanket of plants began to carry their Lady to her chamber, the mass swimming through halls of the derelict ship.
“I’m fine Lily, I don't have time to sleep, I must care for our children, I must care for you!” Morrigan exclaimed to the emptiness of the ship. She couldn't bear to focus on sending her own telepathic message, but she figured her Lily could hear her anywhere in the ship.
“Love, you need rest. Just for a little while, trust me. Just….relax.” Morrigan heard in her head, as the flower released the same powder that was used to put the White Scars to sleep, though more potent to have any effect on their Lady. As Morrigan’s eyelids grew heavy, the plants lay her in her bed, still wrapped around her so she could sleep soundly, knowing her Lily was still there. As long as the plants stayed wrapped around her, Morrigan could sleep for days, without nightmares. At least usually. Their proximity to the warp would greatly affect the likelihood of nightmares, whether she snuggled tightly or not.
This time was different. Despite their distance from the warp, something about their previous encounter had shaken Morrigan, and the nightmares came like a flood. Lily did their best to cradle their Lady, but there was little else they could do, their Lady had expended a lot of psychic energy during her fight with her sister, and that had undoubtedly caused something to invade her dreams.
Morrigan saw visions of world burning, the emperor stuck to the Golden Throne, the people of the Imperium stuck in a cycle of endless fanatic violence against the enemies of Mankind. This is not what she wanted. She could help them; she could give them lives free from violence. But she also didn't want to threaten her sons, or her Lily by putting them in harm's way. And as this thought passed her mind, she awoke, shaken and in cold sweats, the leaves and vines still wrapped around her like a blanket. She began to cry once more, as her Lily tried their best to soothe their Lady, trying to give them some semblance of comfort as Morrigan struggled with the reality that faced her.
Morrigan decided that she would be able to think while she worked, and kindly asked the plants to let her go, which they did. Once again, Morrigan roamed the halls, prune growths, watering buds and checking the health of her new sons, those gestating, and the White Scars taken from her battle with her sister.
Now calmed by her work, Morrigan put thought to her predicament, mumbling to herself about not putting her sons in danger, whether she could save a world on her own, or take over other ships so Lily could be safe. Resolved to act, but with the safety of her Lily in mind, Morrigan made her way to the bridge, awakening the captain, instructing him to set course for the nearest derelict ship. The captain groaned in the affirmative, steering the ship towards the intended target, the ship's sunlight engines gently taking the hulking mass into close proximity.
Over the next several days, Morrigan seeded new ships with her sons, so that they may grow to become the ships new crew, all connected by her psychic energies. WIth her fleet now in a decent shape, she directed the flight to the nearest conflict zone. She would bring humanity from the brink. She would succeed where her father had failed, where her sisters had failed. She would cultivate a new future for humanity. They would. Together.

Maybe I'm just not so good at articulating myself or maybe I live in Joker world or some shit, but short of telling these people that I have a body in the trunk of my car I really don't know what it takes to be considered seriously by them. The fact that all of them are so clearly just watching the clock tick by until I leave doesn't help either.
I'm almost at the point where I'm starting to think that therapy is just a normie thing where the therapist compliments you until you feel better. Which isn't at all what I'm looking for. I need serious psychological insight from a serious, qualified professional. Not condesending bottom of the barrel CBT that I could get from a reddit stranger in a mainstream depression sub. Honestly, the impression I get right now is: 'we don't care that you’re sick. either act up and get locked up or be quiet and deal with it on your own, because we don't give a fuck about you.'

My husband and I are married for 4 years now. I am 29, he is 28 and we have a son who is now 15 months old. When he was born it was all ok until husband started having some problems at work and when he would come home we didn’t interact so much. He would be frustrated and angry, i didn’t have help around house and the baby was a bit difficult, screaming so much every day, didn’t want to sleep in his crib for some time, only when i was holding him. So my husband and i didn’t have much time together so that became frustrating also. Meanwhile he changed the job and that’s when the biggest problem happened. First of all after the job interview he just called me to say he accepted the job without coming home and talking about stuff like that like we always did with each other. So he started dating and i noticed he started acting differently. There was this one female colleague that he would mention a lot, look at schedule to see when they are together on the shift and so he started texting her, i saw different behavior, hiding phone when i was around, excitedly jumping to answer the texts and i got very suspicious, this was going on for 2 weeks. So one day when baby was asleep i confronted him and he confessed everything and showed me all the messages and i had a lot to read. He was texting saying they could go walk her dog before or after shift together, the could go to a movie and stuff like that, there were some intimate things too. All in all not the thing you want to text someone outside of your marriage. He says he did it because he missed me because our marriage got a bit cold because of the baby, which was true, it’s our first baby and it’s been really difficult. The type of texts were just like he texted me at the beginning of our relationship. So he said he will stop with that and he did, after that we were ok for 2 weeks but then something else happened. He went to work a bit too early and i had i strong gut feeling that something is happening that shouldn’t be. So i did something i feel very bad for, i did it for the first time ever in my life and i feel like a piece of shit but it was so much stronger than me. We are connected onto the find my app so i saw he went to her home to pick her up before work which was completely unnecessary because she literally lives 3 minutes of walking distance from their job so i texted him about it, he lied to me when he came home he said signal was bad. He drove her home after work and the next day too. The next day he confessed again that he lied about driving her. He promised he wouldn’t do that again but guess what he did it few days later again. He said he couldn’t say no because he was asking and she very well what kind of problem she was for us and she was asking again even though he told her he wouldn’t do that anymore. So anyway we went to therapy in November 2023, and all this happened in august/September 2023. Due to stress i lost so much weight i was almost anorexic, i couldn’t function normally, i was barely able to hold it together to take care of our baby. There was never anything physical with them but i can’t help to think would happen if i didn’t find out. I told him this was emotional affair and that he cheated on me, he doesn’t think the same. He was and still is sorry about everything, and there a lot more of little details and things that happened but this is already so much to write.
He promised he wouldn’t drive her anymore, he says they are just friends, it’s really good to work with her because she is responsible, they still talk to each other every day but i am so much bothered by that still almost a year after. There has been so much fighting, crying, feeling so bad mentally and physically and i still feel like that most of the time on the inside but we are good in a sense that our relationship is just like it was before we had a baby. Am i crazy that i despise their friendship and the fact that they still work together? I am so hurt that he doesn’t realize why that friendship is so bad. Everything gave me so much anxiety that sometimes all I would do is cry every day all day. I was even thinking about divorce for a really long time. We talked about it only with marriage counselor, we never said anything to our parents or friends even though they were asking questions because of the weight i lost and they sensed something was off. I still sometimes feel like i have to talk about it but i don’t want to talk about it with him until completely figure out my feelings and thoughts so i can be clear about everything to him and so i can tell my side calmly without causing us to fight because i am so tired of fighting. I was thinking about going to therapy myself to take care of me because i feel so much resentment, i despise so many things, i am frustrated and angry but i don’t show it because our relationship is really good like the way it was but on the inside i am still hurting and i am still not over it. I am so full of anxiety still, sometimes can’t sleep, i sometimes fear he will drive her again after he promised he wouldn’t do that anymore. I noticed i now react so much differently when we have a typical marriage argument. It sets me into panick mode, i just cry, i can’t talk, i feel so out of place like i am not myself anymore like i can’t function in situations like that. I have the need to put up a wall between me and him. He tries to calm me down and talk to me about what’s happening but i just can’t make myself to talk because of some fear and so he gets frustrated. He also started saying he would love to have a second child but all of this is a very big reason for me not to have the second one. I can’t put myself emotionally in that place again, our baby was just 6 months old when all of this started happening. Maybe in a few years… I also feel so weird to bring this up to him again after almost a year after everything. We love each other so much, he really is a good husband and dad and he really tries. I know it sounds so awful written like this but i know us and how we are, this happened probably for a reason because some thing did get better with us, with our marriage and our communication but some other thing i wrote i still bothering and make me feel bad and i don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Talking to parents or friends is a no go because there would be taking sides and even more drama and i just can’t take it anymore

at this point, I can admit I've become a danger to myself. I'm aware that I will NEVER get better on my own, I simply do not have support or motivation. I have other mental issues, and combined with anorexia, I am miserable with no escape. my family simply doesn't care enough to take me to a doctor or therapist, they don't even try to help me at all. I literally have no access to any kind of help. on top of that, I am very poor, with almost no access to food or healthcare, which makes it way easier to restrict and harder to recover.
so my question is, what do I do? I desperately need help, and I cannot get it from my family, so I'm wondering if inpatient or residential has ACTUALLY helped anyone. if I wanted to go, how would I even go about it? do I have to see a doctor first? does it cost money to go? If you ever chose to go yourself, I'd love to hear about the process, and what happened after you were done.
If you were forced to go, I'd really like to hear about that, too. was your bmi too low? did you go to the doctor, and they forced you? did your family force you?
I want to know If it's a bad idea or not. I hear most people hating the experience, but I don't really know what else to do. also, for more information, I am severely underweight and 16 years old. any advice, or just simply sharing your experience, would be a BIG help.