Gender identity/expression changing after coming out
Hi all. I came out years ago as transfem nonbinary. I usually just sorta think of myself as “queer” for the most part, but I have different labels based on who asks.
Generally though I have seen myself as an androgynous gender. However, recently I’ve been feeling a strong confidence and authenticity deeper into the femme. I didn’t feel this way earlier in my transition - and it’s really surprising me. The feelings are intense and stronger in some ways than my first coming out.
My pronouns have been they/them/theirs (or really any pronouns)… but I’ve sorta been liking she/her.
I know gender identity/expression can change… but I’m a bit out of my depth. Has anyone else had big shifts after transitioning or coming out? Did you come out again to people? Or how did you deal with it?

Hi All,
I've recently come across a very interesting topic NDE. A little background about me and my faith. I wasn't really raised in an immediate religious family meaning my mother and father weren't dedicated to religion. However, my Grandfather was a devout catholic and for whatever reason my Father strayed away from that as he grew. So i would attend church with him at times when I was very young. My mom throughout my life must've known the importance and made several attempts at taking me to church consistently, but she never stuck with it likely because as I grew older my interest wasn't there (sadly). I would pray as a child and my faith was strong enough for that, as I grew into my teens with school and all the bad I saw I started thinking How could a god be real that allows such evil to occur here on earth (this from what I know now was complete ignorance in not knowing his word) at any rate this lead me down a path of not necessarily being a non believer but also not being a strong believer for a very, very long time. I didn't know what I believed in but I believed in a higher power. I lived a life of sin (drinking, partying, drugs, judgmental etc) I always thought well if there is a god he'd understand and forgive (how naive). At any rate this was my life, a life without Christ.
An interesting thing occurred not long ago, I came across a recommended video on youtube about a very intense NDE where the person explained meeting Jesus, a life review all of that. Its interesting because I never watched anything closesly related to this on youtube ever. Now I take it as a sign. I researched it, watched more and it eventually led me into more and more religious related content. The thing for me as a very analytical person was I needed something like this to open me up to the reality that there is indeed a god. A lot of interesting research has gone into some of these experiences. John Burke has done substancial research on the topic and draws the parallels from some of these experiences to scripture. A lot of scientists can't explain how some of these people have been clinically dead for hours yet can recall events, conversations that happened when there was no brain activity etc. A lot of these experiences have so many commonalities so much in fact that I have a hard time believing it can be explained by chemicals released by the brain upon death I.E DMT. The psychelic experience is all over the place and never follows a consistent theme. These near Death experiences are not of that.
I am thankful for finding this as it has brought renewed faith to my life. I've accepted Jesus into my life. I've bought a bible and started reading the word (something I never imagined i'd do). I have a lot of work to do in order to make him even a small percentile happy with me, but I feel good knowing that I'm trying.
What brought you to Christianity? What is the Church's thoughts on NDEs? Do we believe that these are experiences our creator has allowed. I don't believe every single experience, but some of them are to real to discount imo. Also, I plan on attending a local church or churches until I find a place that feels like home. Any other tips navigating youtube or podcasts that you feel are good to follow? There's a lot of stuff out there I've had to learn to navigate around people talking to spirit guides and all this new age stuff which is dangerous bc it sounds all good in well to a new follower until you start realizing the differences and that this is not gods word. Anyway, thanks for a space allowing me to get some thoughts off my mind.

Hi!
I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to guide/help me.
I am 22 years old - my problem is that I have been experiencing a strong impostor syndrome from the beginning. I have done the DIVA test three times with different psychologists. Each time I scored high, and basically, everything fits together rationally. I do indeed recognize the impostor symptom in myself. I discussed this with a friend who is finishing psychology studies and also has ADHD, and he supports my perspective.
Additionally, my father, who committed suicide, most likely also struggled with ADHD (based on the DIVA methodology, I asked the family and matched it to events that complicated his life further, plus, of course, chronic depression).Everything was rather stable until 3 days ago when I had bad lack for a psychiatrist (where I did the last DIVA and a specialist was recommended) - an online visit. I don't want to sound conceited (also, I'm not a doctor), but I had the impression that the psychiatrist I consulted often didn't know the answers to my questions and was evasive. He seemed more interested in my money than in helping and understanding me (I have seen 2 psychologists, 2 therapists, and 3 psychiatrists, so I have a comparison whether someone cares or is genuinely interested). I have scheduled my next appointment with a doctor that is leading ADHD treatment here in Poland
Returning to the point, my impostor syndrome flared up additionally when the psychiatrist stated during the interview that "the symptoms I experience are rather mild, or I somehow manage them, otherwise I would have problems with studying and working" (my professional life is okay, but about 4 times below my potential because I have issues with fluctuations in activity - I work intensely for several days, and then have a few days of a depressive period - it's not like manic-depression, it's rather about activity and the ability to motivate myself to do things, not finding less painful activities, etc.). This surprised me because I perceive them differently (and they seem more concrete than just excusing my inefficiencies). So, of course, I continued the previously started research to feel more at ease.
I was prescribed a dosage that seems non-standard: Medikinet 10mg CR daily, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I can double it and then report back after finishing.All this has led to many questions and overthinking. The first day, 10mg didn't make much of an impression on me; it settled me a bit, I felt some interest, took the second dose in the afternoon as recommended, and, of course, couldn't sleep (despite 6mg of melatonin).
Yesterday, I took 20mg in the morning and felt the need to organize everything, and I cleaned the whole apartment, including scrubbing under the closet.Despite this, the impostor syndrome is so insidious that I keep wondering if I'm imagining things, over-researched, and adjusted the answers or interpretations of my life and events to fit the thesis.It's generally a terrible issue because I hope that after years of struggling with "depression," it will finally be addressed, and I can stop dealing with such matters and just focus on work - I am 22 years old, and my first visit to a psychiatrist for depression was around 15-16 years old.
Currently, I have the biggest dilemmas in the following areas, and I really hope someone could shed some light or guide me:

1. **Methylphenidate in a person without ADHD** - I couldn't find anything concrete on whether I can verify this - if, for example, I don't have ADHD, how should it affect me vs. someone with ADHD. It's so vaguely described on the internet that it's not clear if there's a concrete way to verify this to avoid questioning my own observations. Obviously, a solid diagnosis like a blood test or MRI for other diseases won't be available, but by nature, I'm a skeptic and need it grounded to sleep peacefully and not get into unnecessary discussions with people who barely understand the subject.
   
2. **Effectiveness of diagnostics** - I haven't encountered any data on how often diagnoses are invalidated. I read on Reddit (unfortunately, there are few better discussion places with a lot of content) that one girl had an ADHD diagnosis, took Adderall, and after about 2 years, it turned out it wasn't ADHD but some compulsive disorder. Is there any information on how many people with an ADHD diagnosis and prescribed treatment are misdiagnosed? It's known that in the USA, people sometimes stretch the truth to get Adderall, but I'm sure you understand my point and the essence of the matter.
   
3. **Dosage** - I have a bit of time left before my next appointment and wonder what I can do (but nothing stupid). My friend, for example, has 30mg CR in the morning and then has those on-demand Medikinet, which keeps him okay later in the day and doesn't cause sleep problems; he's considering switching to Concerta. From my psychiatrist, I basically got the information I already mentioned plus to avoid abusing alcohol. Is there anything I can change in these recommendations to not waste time? If I just take 30mg or 40mg in the morning (of course, gradually and checking the response weekly), am I exposing myself to any problems? I found out on my own that I won't die, but I'm interested in the effectiveness of this treatment, not messing around.
   
4. **A question completely omitted by the psychiatrist, and I didn't get any specific information, which is quite important to me**. In all the DIVA tests, I scored higher in adulthood than in childhood. In the last one, it came out as follows: Summary of symptoms according to DSM-5: I. Attention Deficit: Adulthood: 8/9, Childhood: 7/9 II. Hyperactivity and impulsivity: Adulthood: 9/9, Childhood: 8/9 III. Experienced symptoms are a source of significant problems, manifesting in at least 2 areas of life in both childhood and adulthood. After my own analysis, talking to my mom and sister, it's hard to deny that I had serious problems in areas affected by ADHD plus many “less obvious” symptoms that I learned about from PsychiatraPlus from Mr. Jóźwiak (thanks God he records because books and articles in Poland on the internet are often a disaster) in quite significant intensity. I'm still afraid of cognitive bias and fitting the situation to the thesis.
   

I noticed an increase in many symptoms attributed to ADHD after 2022 (when my father committed suicide, which involved PTSD therapy because I saw a lot, plus a depressive episode). Before, I might have had 2-3 such severe depressive episodes. I skimmed through (I emphasize because I might have missed something that would answer my question, and I don't want to appear lazy coming for a free ready-made solution) meta-analyses (The World Federation of ADHD International Consensus Statement: 208 Evidence-based Conclusions about the Disorder). This fragment intrigued me: "ADHD is rarely caused by a single genetic or environmental risk factor, but most cases of ADHD are caused by the combined effects of many genetic and environmental risks, each having a very small effect."
This, of course, suggested a possible scenario - a father with ADHD + trauma could have exacerbated my symptoms, hence now they are more noticeable to me than before, although it resonates more with me that conditions, tasks, and challenges I face have changed. I didn't observe myself in this regard before; I didn't have the knowledge; I attributed my failures to a different “legend” (I wasn't taught consequences, laziness, lack of discipline, if I tried harder, etc.) than ADHD. Obviously, I'm not so infantile as to expect someone to try to resolve this issue, but based on the current conclusive knowledge, how do you assess my line of thinking, does it hold together? Could I check anything else additionally?
To conclude, I know I need to find a good psychiatrist; I have one in mind, but it's pointless at this moment when I have prescriptions and "recommendations" to schedule and pay for a visit since I'll probably get not very in-depth answers (I also understand doctors don't have 2 hours to give a lecture on how and why things work), rather reassuring and "we'll observe." Whenever something stresses or confuses me, I just try to understand it, and when it turns out that my inherent skepticism activated unnecessarily, the problem disappears from the radar.
I hope someone will guide me to the right materials that will tell me a bit more about these issues. Once again, thank you in advance for any response and time spent just reading this post. If additional questions arise to provide a better answer, I am happy to respond.

Hi!
I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to guide/help me.
I am 22 years old - my problem is that I have been experiencing a strong impostor syndrome from the beginning. I have done the DIVA test three times with different psychologists. Each time I scored high, and basically, everything fits together rationally. I do indeed recognize the impostor symptom in myself. I discussed this with a friend who is finishing psychology studies and also has ADHD, and he supports my perspective.
Additionally, my father, who committed suicide, most likely also struggled with ADHD (based on the DIVA methodology, I asked the family and matched it to events that complicated his life further, plus, of course, chronic depression).Everything was rather stable until 3 days ago when I had bad lack for a psychiatrist (where I did the last DIVA and a specialist was recommended) - an online visit. I don't want to sound conceited (also, I'm not a doctor), but I had the impression that the psychiatrist I consulted often didn't know the answers to my questions and was evasive. He seemed more interested in my money than in helping and understanding me (I have seen 2 psychologists, 2 therapists, and 3 psychiatrists, so I have a comparison whether someone cares or is genuinely interested). I have scheduled my next appointment with a doctor that is leading ADHD treatment here in Poland
Returning to the point, my impostor syndrome flared up additionally when the psychiatrist stated during the interview that "the symptoms I experience are rather mild, or I somehow manage them, otherwise I would have problems with studying and working" (my professional life is okay, but about 4 times below my potential because I have issues with fluctuations in activity - I work intensely for several days, and then have a few days of a depressive period - it's not like manic-depression, it's rather about activity and the ability to motivate myself to do things, not finding less painful activities, etc.). This surprised me because I perceive them differently (and they seem more concrete than just excusing my inefficiencies). So, of course, I continued the previously started research to feel more at ease.
I was prescribed a dosage that seems non-standard: Medikinet 10mg CR daily, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I can double it and then report back after finishing.All this has led to many questions and overthinking. The first day, 10mg didn't make much of an impression on me; it settled me a bit, I felt some interest, took the second dose in the afternoon as recommended, and, of course, couldn't sleep (despite 6mg of melatonin).
Yesterday, I took 20mg in the morning and felt the need to organize everything, and I cleaned the whole apartment, including scrubbing under the closet.Despite this, the impostor syndrome is so insidious that I keep wondering if I'm imagining things, over-researched, and adjusted the answers or interpretations of my life and events to fit the thesis.It's generally a terrible issue because I hope that after years of struggling with "depression," it will finally be addressed, and I can stop dealing with such matters and just focus on work - I am 22 years old, and my first visit to a psychiatrist for depression was around 15-16 years old.
Currently, I have the biggest dilemmas in the following areas, and I really hope someone could shed some light or guide me:

1. **Methylphenidate in a person without ADHD** - I couldn't find anything concrete on whether I can verify this - if, for example, I don't have ADHD, how should it affect me vs. someone with ADHD. It's so vaguely described on the internet that it's not clear if there's a concrete way to verify this to avoid questioning my own observations. Obviously, a solid diagnosis like a blood test or MRI for other diseases won't be available, but by nature, I'm a skeptic and need it grounded to sleep peacefully and not get into unnecessary discussions with people who barely understand the subject.
   
2. **Effectiveness of diagnostics** - I haven't encountered any data on how often diagnoses are invalidated. I read on Reddit (unfortunately, there are few better discussion places with a lot of content) that one girl had an ADHD diagnosis, took Adderall, and after about 2 years, it turned out it wasn't ADHD but some compulsive disorder. Is there any information on how many people with an ADHD diagnosis and prescribed treatment are misdiagnosed? It's known that in the USA, people sometimes stretch the truth to get Adderall, but I'm sure you understand my point and the essence of the matter.
   
3. **Dosage** - I have a bit of time left before my next appointment and wonder what I can do (but nothing stupid). My friend, for example, has 30mg CR in the morning and then has those on-demand Medikinet, which keeps him okay later in the day and doesn't cause sleep problems; he's considering switching to Concerta. From my psychiatrist, I basically got the information I already mentioned plus to avoid abusing alcohol. Is there anything I can change in these recommendations to not waste time? If I just take 30mg or 40mg in the morning (of course, gradually and checking the response weekly), am I exposing myself to any problems? I found out on my own that I won't die, but I'm interested in the effectiveness of this treatment, not messing around.
   
4. **A question completely omitted by the psychiatrist, and I didn't get any specific information, which is quite important to me**. In all the DIVA tests, I scored higher in adulthood than in childhood. In the last one, it came out as follows: Summary of symptoms according to DSM-5: I. Attention Deficit: Adulthood: 8/9, Childhood: 7/9 II. Hyperactivity and impulsivity: Adulthood: 9/9, Childhood: 8/9 III. Experienced symptoms are a source of significant problems, manifesting in at least 2 areas of life in both childhood and adulthood. After my own analysis, talking to my mom and sister, it's hard to deny that I had serious problems in areas affected by ADHD plus many “less obvious” symptoms that I learned about from PsychiatraPlus from Mr. Jóźwiak (thanks God he records because books and articles in Poland on the internet are often a disaster) in quite significant intensity. I'm still afraid of cognitive bias and fitting the situation to the thesis.
   

I noticed an increase in many symptoms attributed to ADHD after 2022 (when my father committed suicide, which involved PTSD therapy because I saw a lot, plus a depressive episode). Before, I might have had 2-3 such severe depressive episodes. I skimmed through (I emphasize because I might have missed something that would answer my question, and I don't want to appear lazy coming for a free ready-made solution) meta-analyses (The World Federation of ADHD International Consensus Statement: 208 Evidence-based Conclusions about the Disorder). This fragment intrigued me: "ADHD is rarely caused by a single genetic or environmental risk factor, but most cases of ADHD are caused by the combined effects of many genetic and environmental risks, each having a very small effect."
This, of course, suggested a possible scenario - a father with ADHD + trauma could have exacerbated my symptoms, hence now they are more noticeable to me than before, although it resonates more with me that conditions, tasks, and challenges I face have changed. I didn't observe myself in this regard before; I didn't have the knowledge; I attributed my failures to a different “legend” (I wasn't taught consequences, laziness, lack of discipline, if I tried harder, etc.) than ADHD. Obviously, I'm not so infantile as to expect someone to try to resolve this issue, but based on the current conclusive knowledge, how do you assess my line of thinking, does it hold together? Could I check anything else additionally?
To conclude, I know I need to find a good psychiatrist; I have one in mind, but it's pointless at this moment when I have prescriptions and "recommendations" to schedule and pay for a visit since I'll probably get not very in-depth answers (I also understand doctors don't have 2 hours to give a lecture on how and why things work), rather reassuring and "we'll observe." Whenever something stresses or confuses me, I just try to understand it, and when it turns out that my inherent skepticism activated unnecessarily, the problem disappears from the radar.
I hope someone will guide me to the right materials that will tell me a bit more about these issues. Once again, thank you in advance for any response and time spent just reading this post. If additional questions arise to provide a better answer, I am happy to respond.

Hi!
I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to guide/help me.
I am 22 years old - my problem is that I have been experiencing a strong impostor syndrome from the beginning. I have done the DIVA test three times with different psychologists. Each time I scored high, and basically, everything fits together rationally. I do indeed recognize the impostor symptom in myself. I discussed this with a friend who is finishing psychology studies and also has ADHD, and he supports my perspective.
Additionally, my father, who committed suicide, most likely also struggled with ADHD (based on the DIVA methodology, I asked the family and matched it to events that complicated his life further, plus, of course, chronic depression).Everything was rather stable until 3 days ago when I had bad lack for a psychiatrist (where I did the last DIVA and a specialist was recommended) - an online visit. I don't want to sound conceited (also, I'm not a doctor), but I had the impression that the psychiatrist I consulted often didn't know the answers to my questions and was evasive. He seemed more interested in my money than in helping and understanding me (I have seen 2 psychologists, 2 therapists, and 3 psychiatrists, so I have a comparison whether someone cares or is genuinely interested). I have scheduled my next appointment with a doctor that is leading ADHD treatment here in Poland
Returning to the point, my impostor syndrome flared up additionally when the psychiatrist stated during the interview that "the symptoms I experience are rather mild, or I somehow manage them, otherwise I would have problems with studying and working" (my professional life is okay, but about 4 times below my potential because I have issues with fluctuations in activity - I work intensely for several days, and then have a few days of a depressive period - it's not like manic-depression, it's rather about activity and the ability to motivate myself to do things, not finding less painful activities, etc.). This surprised me because I perceive them differently (and they seem more concrete than just excusing my inefficiencies). So, of course, I continued the previously started research to feel more at ease.
I was prescribed a dosage that seems non-standard: Medikinet 10mg CR daily, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I can double it and then report back after finishing.All this has led to many questions and overthinking. The first day, 10mg didn't make much of an impression on me; it settled me a bit, I felt some interest, took the second dose in the afternoon as recommended, and, of course, couldn't sleep (despite 6mg of melatonin).
Yesterday, I took 20mg in the morning and felt the need to organize everything, and I cleaned the whole apartment, including scrubbing under the closet.Despite this, the impostor syndrome is so insidious that I keep wondering if I'm imagining things, over-researched, and adjusted the answers or interpretations of my life and events to fit the thesis.It's generally a terrible issue because I hope that after years of struggling with "depression," it will finally be addressed, and I can stop dealing with such matters and just focus on work - I am 22 years old, and my first visit to a psychiatrist for depression was around 15-16 years old.
Currently, I have the biggest dilemmas in the following areas, and I really hope someone could shed some light or guide me:

1. **Methylphenidate in a person without ADHD** - I couldn't find anything concrete on whether I can verify this - if, for example, I don't have ADHD, how should it affect me vs. someone with ADHD. It's so vaguely described on the internet that it's not clear if there's a concrete way to verify this to avoid questioning my own observations. Obviously, a solid diagnosis like a blood test or MRI for other diseases won't be available, but by nature, I'm a skeptic and need it grounded to sleep peacefully and not get into unnecessary discussions with people who barely understand the subject.
   
2. **Effectiveness of diagnostics** - I haven't encountered any data on how often diagnoses are invalidated. I read on Reddit (unfortunately, there are few better discussion places with a lot of content) that one girl had an ADHD diagnosis, took Adderall, and after about 2 years, it turned out it wasn't ADHD but some compulsive disorder. Is there any information on how many people with an ADHD diagnosis and prescribed treatment are misdiagnosed? It's known that in the USA, people sometimes stretch the truth to get Adderall, but I'm sure you understand my point and the essence of the matter.
   
3. **Dosage** - I have a bit of time left before my next appointment and wonder what I can do (but nothing stupid). My friend, for example, has 30mg CR in the morning and then has those on-demand Medikinet, which keeps him okay later in the day and doesn't cause sleep problems; he's considering switching to Concerta. From my psychiatrist, I basically got the information I already mentioned plus to avoid abusing alcohol. Is there anything I can change in these recommendations to not waste time? If I just take 30mg or 40mg in the morning (of course, gradually and checking the response weekly), am I exposing myself to any problems? I found out on my own that I won't die, but I'm interested in the effectiveness of this treatment, not messing around.
   
4. **A question completely omitted by the psychiatrist, and I didn't get any specific information, which is quite important to me**. In all the DIVA tests, I scored higher in adulthood than in childhood. In the last one, it came out as follows: Summary of symptoms according to DSM-5: I. Attention Deficit: Adulthood: 8/9, Childhood: 7/9 II. Hyperactivity and impulsivity: Adulthood: 9/9, Childhood: 8/9 III. Experienced symptoms are a source of significant problems, manifesting in at least 2 areas of life in both childhood and adulthood. After my own analysis, talking to my mom and sister, it's hard to deny that I had serious problems in areas affected by ADHD plus many “less obvious” symptoms that I learned about from PsychiatraPlus from Mr. Jóźwiak (thanks God he records because books and articles in Poland on the internet are often a disaster) in quite significant intensity. I'm still afraid of cognitive bias and fitting the situation to the thesis.
   

I noticed an increase in many symptoms attributed to ADHD after 2022 (when my father committed suicide, which involved PTSD therapy because I saw a lot, plus a depressive episode). Before, I might have had 2-3 such severe depressive episodes. I skimmed through (I emphasize because I might have missed something that would answer my question, and I don't want to appear lazy coming for a free ready-made solution) meta-analyses (The World Federation of ADHD International Consensus Statement: 208 Evidence-based Conclusions about the Disorder). This fragment intrigued me: "ADHD is rarely caused by a single genetic or environmental risk factor, but most cases of ADHD are caused by the combined effects of many genetic and environmental risks, each having a very small effect."
This, of course, suggested a possible scenario - a father with ADHD + trauma could have exacerbated my symptoms, hence now they are more noticeable to me than before, although it resonates more with me that conditions, tasks, and challenges I face have changed. I didn't observe myself in this regard before; I didn't have the knowledge; I attributed my failures to a different “legend” (I wasn't taught consequences, laziness, lack of discipline, if I tried harder, etc.) than ADHD. Obviously, I'm not so infantile as to expect someone to try to resolve this issue, but based on the current conclusive knowledge, how do you assess my line of thinking, does it hold together? Could I check anything else additionally?
To conclude, I know I need to find a good psychiatrist; I have one in mind, but it's pointless at this moment when I have prescriptions and "recommendations" to schedule and pay for a visit since I'll probably get not very in-depth answers (I also understand doctors don't have 2 hours to give a lecture on how and why things work), rather reassuring and "we'll observe." Whenever something stresses or confuses me, I just try to understand it, and when it turns out that my inherent skepticism activated unnecessarily, the problem disappears from the radar.
I hope someone will guide me to the right materials that will tell me a bit more about these issues. Once again, thank you in advance for any response and time spent just reading this post. If additional questions arise to provide a better answer, I am happy to respond.

Let me start this off by saying I had a PC custom built way back in January of 2023 and it worked flawlessly up until September of the same year. Eventually, my PC just started dying, I had weird artifacting problems, my resolution would change randomly and I'd get black blocks all over my screens for no reason, and along with this came a strange audio bug where audio would become oddly loud and scratchy(?? I am unsure of how to describe the sound, really, basically when some sort of explosion sound would play from anything, it would get really loud and make a scratchy sound). The worst issue, though, was the stutters. Consistently, every singel game I attempted to play, whether it be as graphically intense as RDR2, or as simply styled as Deep Rock Galactic. I would have horrible stutters happening constantly. I spent months troubleshooting this issue and testing various things, so many countless little adjustments and hardware tests over the months that I can't even begin to document them here. I ended up bringing this PC into multiple professionals, Best Buy, Micro Center (twice), and a local repair store. Every single time, I got my PC back and was told that there were no issues whatsoever. No stuttering or frame drops to be found, audio bug could not be replicated. Eventually, I gave up and made an entire new rig. To my horror, I plugged everything in to discover I am STILL having these horrible stutters and audio bugs. I have asked many people in online discords about these problems and have been through everything, as far as closing every single program and unplugging every peripheral I have on my setup and just running the bare-minimum and I still have the stuttering. I am so confused as to how this issue could possibly persist to a completely new PC, every single component is new, the installation was Win11 is new, even my activation code is new, *everything* is new except for my peripherals. I did replace my main monitor with a brand new one and the issue is still persisting so it's definitely not a monitor-related issue. I would appreciate any kind of help, and any information anyone needs to narrow it down, I am more than willing to fetch for you.
Specs on the new PC are;
b650 mobo r7 7800x3d radeon 7900 xtx 32 gigs, cl30, 6000mhz ram 3 tb storage, both m.2s 1000w psu windows 11
(Side note, I have minimal software installed, only stuff such as discord, steam, spotify, opera, riot client, and softwares required for my peripherals or for my hardware such as AMD Adrenalin, iCUE, Ryzen Master, GCC etc.)
(Side note 2, I bought completely new headphones as well just in case it was my headphones causing the audio bug and it was completely unrelated but I still have the same issues)
Right now my finger is pointing at some sort of driver or software related issue, or even some sort of complication with Windows 11, because afaik this new hardware should be perfectly fine, everything seems to be performing fine, I get great fps in my games up until I get the stuttering.
ANY help is greatly appreciated and I am open to *any* suggestions

I remember when I was a kid and I would daydream nearly every night before bed about me as an adult. Who I'd be with, what I'd be driving, and where I would live. I would even imagine the outfits I'd be wearing - button-up blouse with a teddy bear print, knee length skirt (gray) and modest shoes or sandals. I remember imagining how cool life would be, all the boyfriends I'd have and the places I'd see.
I wish life as an adult was as easy as my former dreams. I wish I could imagine myself as happy and instantly feel good. I've never known what happiness feels like. I guess that's why I always felt different and out of place as a kid. When I would see them freely express joy and partake in any activity without any second thoughts or doubts. I never understood why they never reacted or felt the same way as me.
Now that I am an adult, life hardly measures up to what I imagined as a kid. I didn't know about heartbreak, frustrations, misunderstandings, and my intense rage. I didn't know that being in a relationship meant I would be forced to face hardships. I didn't know myself then, and I feel like I don't know myself now. What I do now is I can be crazy, I get hurt a lot, I have fears of rejection, I am insecure, I can't control my anger and often get worked up over the littlest things. I get offended a lot, I care too much about what other people think of me even though I am not entirely sure who it is that is me.
I have my causes. I know what's worth fighting for. But that can't be all there is to my identity.
I want to feel happy. I want to show love. I want to comfortably orgasm like I don't give a fuck. I want to know that it is okay to be me in the face of disagreements. I want to freak out if my boyfriend would just let me.
The only time I ever feel like I am truly expressing myself is when I feel intense emotions No, maybe that's wrong. I guess because when I hardly ever feel alive it is comforting to know that sometimes I can come alive.

Hi all, I know I should be seeking some professional help about this issue if it's worrying me so much, but I am in a foreign country without immediate access to resources, unfortunately.
Okay, so I (28M) had my first psychotic episode about four years ago. I have long been an on/off-again heavy drug user, with opiates being my drug of choice, but I've done other things because I cannot control my opiate use. During the holidays in 2020, I went on a five-day binge of heavy drinking, smoking marijuana, taking Xanax, ketamine, MDMA, and cough syrup with about half a dozen friends. As the bender went on, more and more people stopped coming over, but I just kept going.
Once it was time to get my shit together and get back to work, I had an intense psychotic episode. I am not sure if it is as intense as some folks here have had, but basically, I was seeing my thoughts before they occurred visually. Especially when I closed my eyes. My thoughts would flash really fast and it would not at all, and I ended up not sleeping for about three days. Each day, the symptoms got more intense and I felt that if my sleep deprivation got to a certain point, I would lose my connection to reality. But I also was too afraid to interact with anyone for that entire period and just stayed in my room.
About one year later, I had another episode after I was binging liquor and Xanax hard for a few weeks. But it also was brought on by a falling out with an ex of mine. I locked myself in my apartment for a week and was convinced that she was going to kill me. I didn't sleep for four days straight, and I was convinced that she was turning on lights or tapping on my windows at night. I was having some mild hallucinations, seeing shadows in the corner of my eye. I wanted to try and remain sober through it, but I had a wine collection and thought to myself that if I had a few drinks it could calm me down and help me sleep; however, I had a delusion that drinking would lower my inhibition and I would end up killing myself. It eventually subsided with lingering symptoms, ie, thinking people in public were staring at me or talking about me.
I snapped out of this episode a few days later and then went to a jam session in the city I was living, only to have intense paranoia on stage. My therapist ended up arranging a hospital visit for me, where the psychiatrist there told me that I was having a panic attack and that I was repressing it, leading to physical symptoms, namely my blood pressure being at stroke level. The doctor also did not believe there was any evidence that drugs triggered this episode.
Lastly, about two years ago, after I had begun injecting Oxycodone for a year at that point, I went to detox at my parents house. We got into a bullshit argument (my sister accused me of harassing her, even though I didn't) and my parents, already skeptical of me, kicked me out of their house. I had an intense delusion the entire time and on the way back home that there was a conspiracy against me and that I was destined to die from drugs and had no other choice. (I ended up remaining in active addiction for the next year). I did not have any delusions or delusions such that I could not interact with people.
I recently got treatment over the past year and ended up moving out of the country I was in where drugs were available, and even got engaged. But last week, after some drinking, I had a depressive episode where I was sleeping almost all day for about five days. My fiancee kept trying to talk to me about every half an hour, which started to make me paranoid. I felt like I was reaching a tipping point and losing my grounding with reality and I begged her to please leave me alone, but she wouldn't and refused to. I ended up passing through that phase, and her father, a doctor, prescribed my Prozac, which has really helped my mind and stopped my intrusive thoughts.
I am wondering if my episodes seem like extreme anxiety or are genuine psychosis. I am also wondering if I should be seeking care for this, or if it's just a fluke from heavy drug use. Me and my fiancee are also thinking of moving soon to a country where mental health care is very underdeveloped. I am worried that if I have an episode that she won't be helpful and might even push me over the edge. Any way I can help explain my concerns to her?
TL;DR: I think I might have a deeper mental illness with psychotic episodes but I'm not sure. My partner also doesn't understand what I'm going through.

I'm copying a comment I made elsewhere because I realized it could help here.
I'm totally cool with sharing my experience because I think it's important that people know about it, especially with how effective it's been to me. There are many ways it's delivered and I'll list from cheapest and easiest to most expensive and highest time commitment.

1. Troche/lozenge: doable at home. Cost me $90 for a 6 week course
   
2. Spravato: do this in the office, usually covered by insurance.
   
3. IV: this is incredibly expensive $600-$1k a session but the most effective.
   

I only have experience with the troches, but they were amazingly effective for me. For best results, you need a totally controlled environment that's as dark and quiet as you can get it. Put on sleep shades and put on headphones/earbuds. The heaviest effects last about 3 hours but you won't be able to really do anything productive for another 4 hours, so it only makes sense to do it in the evening.
Not all people have the experience I have, but for me it's INTENSE in a good way. It's borderline psychedelic where I enter a pseudo-dream state and my brain shows me new insights, flips through memories I had locked away, and serves as an "angel on my shoulder" telling me what a good friend or therapist would say. Really, for me it feels like an insanely effective and intense therapy session and it has about the same lasting effects. However, it's no free lunch. My body hurts like hell the next day because it makes my joints feel like they're falling apart. If you have interruptions during it, you WILL have a VERY bad time. It also makes you dizzy, loopy, and definitely unsafe to do stairs or drive. Absolutely only do it at the end of the day.
I'm not sure what other peoples' experiences are, but for me it's great at both kinds of trauma. It's just harder to dislodge chronic lifelong trauma and that will take much more time. It was easier for me to direct it to work on the acute trauma of things like the car accidents, my son in the NICU, my son's seizures, etc. But lately in the past few sessions it's been able to help with the lifelong trauma like neglect, the weird dissociative thing where I locked away basically all memories throughout most of my life, etc
So I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD because of all this crazy stuff and I was unable to function after my son's seizure because that was the breaking point. The event that made it necessary to start this was when I got in a huge fight with my wife insisting she hadn't told me about her life and career plans (??? obviously she had) even though just a few days ago I was actively participating in planning it. I had been getting mad at my wife and son for totally innocent nonsense reasons which I had NEVER done before and I had NEVER acted like that my whole life, which is how my wife knew something was very wrong.
It then exploded into realizing I had been behaving like an Alzheimer's patient because my memory from one day to the next was not continuous: I literally didn't recognize my work documents, where I put things, what I was talking about to people, that I had met people, etc. Every time I opened my work computer it was like I was looking at someone else's computer and I had to piece together wtf I was supposed to do. I didn't remember most major life events (couldn't remember my own wedding, graduation, what my college campus looked like even).
I also could barely go outside because every time sirens from an emergency vehicle went by or even if I just saw flashing lights that vaguely reminded me of such, I would straight up black out or go into "caveman mode."
Post-ketamine, I no longer have random rage. I can access so many more memories and they don't immediately hurt me. I'm able to stay much more present and no longer black out. I have become more patient and tolerant to stress. I have been able to make BIG gains in therapy because blocks in my brain shifted and I became more receptive to outside help. I've learned how to be kinder to myself and take care of myself better. I've hugely enhanced my coping skills. Honestly, before this I was on the fast track to divorce, relationship destruction, and death before this pulled me out of it.

daughters father took custody feb of 2023. up until that point he took her weekends for the first seven years while I was primary and custodial.
Ive been in substance abuse recovery for 5 months now and one year clean and sober may first. January 2024 I agreed and signed her dad's proposed parenting plan with out thoroughly reading it through. YES I KNOW HOW DUMB THAT IS, but I was in a bad way just by not being in active treatment and not doing what I was supposed to in preparation for the trial and the court dates leading up. I thought it was a smart move and daughters dad and his mom convinced me that it was better for all of us because they did no want to continue paying for an attorney. however, I am active in recovery now, just graduated from intensive outpatient, to just outpatient. the plan I agreed to was a step up plan. but it is excessive and unreasonable for example: requiring me to submit (and solely pay for) a 9-panel hair follicle drug test every thirty days(follicle tests detect any usage going back 90 days) all of this IN ADDITION to the weekly random UAs that I submit as a part of my treatment plan. I have been on phase one since January because he is continuously unsatisfied with my compliance reports and seems to be just giving me more hoops to jump through.
I am looking for a step up plan that is more of a condensed/sped up version. phase one was 60 days in compliance and 3 hour supervised visits per week. phase two is supervised visits at my house twice a week for 3 hours a visit for three months. phase three is weekends unsupervised for three months. phase four is as long as I complete all treatment recommendations, then it remains weeks and the summeholiday/special occasion suspension is lifted. phase five is as long as compliant and sober I am finally allowed to petition for 50%.
is there a possibility of cutting down each phase to 6 or 8 weeks instead of there months each? is there a possibility of either all unsupervised visits or very little that decrease to none?
and then if there is a time that the father suspects me of being under the influence, he can require me to submit ANOTHER 9-panel follicle test, but if it comes back negative then he has to reimburse me for just that one.
please advice someone!!!

I don’t see any recent accounts on how to get a botox treatment in Toronto so I figured this could be useful for some folks. I got my first botox treatment with Dr. Jennifer Anderson at St. Michael’s yesterday - all in all the process took about 2 years, but could have been faster if I had been more on top of scheduling appointments and following up. (My RCPD symptoms are pretty mild so I wasn’t THAT motivated to move this along, and I also am generally wimpy about hospitals and medical procedures so I procrastinated scheduling some of tests and procedures).
I started with just my local walk-in clinic (Royal Care at College and Spadina), since I don’t have a family doctor. The doctor there had actually heard of RCPD so that was good, but he had me try heartburn medication first. I dutifully did that and went back and reported it had no effect, he then referred me to a gastroenterologist - Dr. Moskovitz.
Dr. Moskovitz is a real nice guy, high energy, a bit of fast talker. He also had me try the heartburn meds as a first step, (even though I said I had already tried that), after I confirmed that doesn’t work he scheduled me for an endoscopy to look inside my throat. This was done at Humber River Hospital and I was fully sedated for it since its a big camera tube down your esophagus (ugh). Even just getting the IV inserted for the sedation drugs freaked me out quite a bit (did I mention I am a wimp?) but this was pretty easy all told. The sedation drug Propofol is amazing, I was out like a light and woke up somewhere else in the hospital feeling like nothing had happened, no side effects.
After Moskovitz confirmed there was nothing visually wrong with my throat, he finally agreed to refer me to Dr. Anderson at St. Michael’s for RCPD botox treatment (yay!). He knew that Dr. Anderson is the only person doing this treatment in Toronto.
At my first appointment at Dr. Anderson’s clinic, one of Anderson’s assistants put a small camera tube up my nose (with numbing spray). It felt weird but was generally tolerable, and I was able to see my own throat on the screen! (We are full of throbbing pink flesh its so gross). She tried to put it further down into my throat but that activated my hair-trigger gag reflex and I reflexively pushed her away. (I REALLY don’t like gagging, haha). I apologized profusely, but my gag reflex really is that strong. She said that was ok for now, and had me schedule another appointment, the Manometry test.
Hoo boy. This is the bad one. The esophageal manometry test is where they (try to) put a small tube up your nose and then all the way down your throat, and then the tube records how well your swallowing muscles work. You’re supposed to swallow liquids while this tube is all the way down your esophagus! Just like the last time, I was ok with the tube in my nose, but as soon as it started touching the back of my throat my gag reflex kicked in and I reflexively pulled away. He tried again with my head against the wall, and as soon as I started gagging I reflexively RAN AWAY across the room, pulling the tube out. The guy agreed that it looked like I wouldn’t be able to complete the test, haha. I am really flabbergasted that anyone is capable of doing this test, with my gag reflex I found it completely intolerable. My friend is also going through this process and said she was crying and gagging the whole time during this test, just awful. I recommend trying to skip this one if you have a strong gag reflex.
I called Dr. Anderson’s clinic and told them I was unable to do the manometry test. They said that was OK, there was one more test that could tell them about my swallowing performance, the Barium Swallow. This one is a cakewalk compared to the others, you just swallow some fizzy water, then lie down on this contraption that moves around while you take sips of some radioactive sludge, so they can record how the sludge moves down your throat. A little uncomfy and weird at times but in general quite easy, no tubes in you at all.
So, finally the tests were all done and I had my first actual meeting with the famous Dr. Jennifer Anderson! She walked me through what the botox procedure would entail and what side effects there could be, like heartburn and trouble swallowing for a few weeks. She said I was now free to call and schedule my botox appointment, which I then procrastinated doing for 5 months because I really didn’t like the sound of a needle going into my throat, haha.
Finally, I did schedule the appointment and had it done yesterday! I was pretty nervous about it but it wasn’t toooo bad. I did have to pay $234 for 50 units of botox out of pocket (my first expense in this whole process, thanks Canadian health care system!)
The actual botox procedure went as follows - Dr. Anderson had me lie down and injected freezing into my neck - it was weird feeling liquid suddenly appear in my esophagus that I hadn’t swallowed. That froze up the sensation in my esophagus, so coughing and swallowing felt really weird. Then I just had to relax and stop trying to swallow while she inserted the botox needle. To make sure the needle is in the right spot I had to sniff a few times - there’s an instrument that tells her if the needle is in the airway or the correct muscle. This was a bit nerve-wracking for me because I had such an urge to swallow but I was not supposed to. Dr. Anderson was really great throughout the procedure explaining what was happening, and did help me relax by telling me how to breathe. And finally, it was done! The actual botox part didn’t take more than a minute or two in reality. Again, I’m a wimp so it felt like a big deal but it really wasn’t.
My understanding is that Dr. Bastian in Chicago does the botox procedure while you are under general anaesthesia, which is interesting to me… doesn’t seem like something that would really warrant it given how quick and painless it is. I suppose if you were even more anxious than me about your throat it might be necessary. Also, going to Dr. Bastian costs $4000 plus travel, so if you’re Canadian it makes much more financial sense to just jump through the hoops to get it done here. If you stay on top of your appointments and advocate for yourself I think you could get it done in a year and a half, maybe under a year if you are lucky. Don’t be afraid to request Dr. Anderson by name! It seems to be that this is still considered experimental therapy here so they insist on lots of tests to rule out any other possible issues, but some tests (like the infernal manometry) seem unnecessary to me.
So here I am on day 2, Dr. Anderson said the botox takes a few days to take effect so not much has happened yet, just swallowing solid food feels a little slow now… fingers crossed I get some burps soon!
Good luck on your journey fellow no-burpers!!!

i’m currently on day 7 no buspar, (tried to wean but ended up going CT) and feeling so emotionally flat/depressed and completely not myself. anyone else experience this? how long until you felt like your normal self again? i’m generally not a “ray of sunshine” per se, but i never feel this down and bad and i’m honestly so over it :( i know everyone is different, but just looking for some hope here. i was on it for about 6 months prior to now edit to add what i believe are withdrawal symptoms: intense am nausea, tricep muscle twitch, panic, insomnia, dizziness, feeling outside myself, loss of interest in usual activities, lack of appetite (i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks), tingling left hand

Have you ever experienced something that shook you to your very core? Something that makes you remember every single little detail of your surroundings from that moment in time? Even years after? I can remember so vividly the moment I realized something was wrong with me. I was in my junior year of high school sitting in class, just like any other day. I remember the smell of erasers and cheap cologne that permeated off my classmate who sat next to me. I remember the scratchy tag on my t-shirt and how I was resisting taking it off in the middle of class just to cut it off. I remember what my teacher, Mrs. Brown, was talking about; 'the fall of Constantinople'. My mouth felt dry and I kept looking at the clock, counting down the minutes until I had lunch so I could get a soda. The sound of a pen clicking behind me was synchronized with the song that was stuck in my head.
All those things were going through my brain at once. My ADHD mind went a million miles per minute when it all came down to a cashing holt when I felt it at 11:23
I felt what I can only describe as a hand grabbing at the inner lining of my stomach. It didn't necessarily hurt, not at this point. That's not why I got so scared. You see, not only do I have ADHD. I also have OCD that manifests itself in the fear of anything growing or moving inside me. Even if I think about the concept of blood moving in my body or a heart that is beating in my chest, I have to think of something else. I've had full-blown panic attacks because of it. The closest term for this is 'Tokophobia'. That's technically the fear of pregnancy. I'm a guy, so it's not completely accurate but it's really the closest term. I mean, I also do have a huge fear of pregnancy. Not necessarily of me being pregnant, but even though I knew I could never get pregnant, the thought of it still made me feel sick
I bet you can imagine the terror that overcame me as I felt something moving in me. I made an audible groan and grabbed my stomach. My whole class turned to look at me. even my teacher stopped talking to ask if I was okay. I stood up and started to run to the nurses' office without even acknowledging my teacher. My first thought wasn't thinking that something was actually in my body. Even stomach aches and the feeling of gurgling in my stomach made me feel this way before. I didn't have anything on hand to help with a stomach ache, unfortunately. However, the nurse always did.
I sprinted across the school hoping and praying that my stomach wouldn't make that awful feeling again before I got there.
I turned the corner into the nurses' office with my tennis shoes squeaking in the process. I saw the school nurse, Mrs. Kennedy sitting on the couch in her office reading a magazine. She looked up at me with a sweet smile that quickly turned into worry.
"Sam, what is it? How can I help?" She said as she stood up and hurried over to me. Putting her hand over mine which was grabbing my stomach tightly.
"It's…It's my stomach. Something is wrong with it." I mumbled with a red face.
She shuffled her way over to her large medicine cabinet and she motioned for me to sit down.
She asked me questions about my stomach. Asking if it was pain, grumbling, cramps, nausea, etc. As she was asking me what my symptoms were and digging through bottles, The feeling happened again. However, this time was different. It felt like fingers grassing against the inside of my body. I screamed and wrapped my arms around my torso. Mrs. Kenneddy ran over to me to comfort me.
"This seems a lot worse than normal, maybe we should call your parents." She said as she put her hand on my back.
It felt like some days I saw Mrs. Kennedy more than my teachers. Any small ailment would distract me so badly from class that I had to go see her. Sometimes multiple times a day. She knew at this point when something was really wrong.
Within about 30 minutes both my parents were there with us. That may seem fast, but I'm an only child and my parents are very aware of my tendencies. They know I can spiral and like to be around if it happens.
They kept asking me where the pain was. I think they assumed by the way I wasn't responding to their questions the pain must've been really bad. The reality was that I just didn't know how to tell them what was going on.
I got so frustrated after they asked me over and over again that I just yelled at them.
"Something is inside me! Get it out, get it out, get it out!" I lifted my shirt and was ripping at my stomach. Leaving red nail scratches and cuts. My mom and dad ran to either side of me to grab my arms. Mrs. Kennedy had seen me go pretty crazy, but this was the worst I've ever gotten in front of her. My parents however had seen a similar situation before. Not exactly like this, but they didn't skip a beat on trying to help me.
"Sam. Breath, sweety. Just remember everything is in you for a reason. It's keeping you alive. Nothing is going to hurt you." My mom said softly to me. Trying to calm me down with the words my therapist gave her. "Ice cubes, get him ice cubes!" She said to Mrs. Kennedy as I started to hyperventilate.
Mrs. Kennedy grabbed a ziplock bag and started to fill it with ice cubes. My mom went over to her and grabbed an ice cube right out of the bag, opened up my hand, and put the ice cube in it. This worked in the past to distract me, I knew that's what she was doing, and trust me. I wanted it to work too, but this was different. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a different feeling I hadn't felt before. That it wasn't possible something was physically inside my body. But I couldn't help it.
Everyone in the room could see that this was getting intense. I think they assumed it was just a mental breakdown and that nothing was physically wrong with my body but I didn't care. I just wanted help.
My parents got me into the car with my mom even sitting in the backseat with me. She kept trying to distract me with conversation but my mind was only on that awful feeling in my stomach.
We pulled up to the ER and my mom guided me in while holding both my wrists. It felt like she was walking me on a leash but I didn't fight it. I knew she was just trying to stop me from scratching my stomach.
We walked in and I spoke to the receptionist. All I said was that I had terrible pain in my stomach. I didn't want to sound too crazy. I just needed a doctor to look at whatever was going on.
After giving the receptionist my name and insurance information we went to sit down. I was sitting in between my parents and I could see my mom lean back to try and mouth something to my dad without me seeing. I didn't think much of it. I was way more worried about other things.
My dad then went up to the receptionist. He pointed over to me and she looked a little concerned. I saw her pick up the clipboard that had my information on it and she started writing something else on it. I asked my dad what he did and he just said to not worry and that he wanted to let her know it was urgent.
No more than 10 minutes went by and I felt a terrible moving sensation. I cringed and grabbed my stomach. Immediately followed by not just the feeling of a hand grabbing my insides but also scratching and pinching. I yelled out in pain as the other people in the waiting room looked at me mortified.
A doctor and a couple of nurses came running over to me and helped me up. But I couldn't stand up. I was in too much pain. They put me in a wheelchair and started to head for a room. However, they didn't take me through the normal big ER doors that went to the standard examination rooms, they took me and my parents through a smaller door to the side that had a padlock on it.
We walked through a white hallway that was very quiet. The doctor and nurses showed us to my room and helped me into my bed as I was wiggling and wincing. I had one parent on either side of me. Patiently waited to stop my arms from scratching.
The doctor was trying to ask further questions but he could tell it wasn't going anywhere. I knew that my dad probably told that receptionist about my OCD tendencies and that I needed to go to the psych ward. Not just to the stranded side of the ER.
I couldn't take it anymore and blurted out that something was inside my stomach and it was trying to get out.
The doctor just looked at my parents for a reaction and they gave him a sad nod. It was like they warned him that this could happen. The doctor didn't just think I was crazy, my parents did too. The doctor took a deep breath and came up to me. I knew I was about to hear some kind of dumb speech about how this was just my OCD and everything was going to be okay.
As he came closer to me, I pulled up my shirt and he gasped. Not only was my stomach scratched up like crazy, but we saw movement. It looked like when a pregnant woman can see her baby kicking. But this was so much stronger. It was stretching my skin.
My parents stood up and gasped while the doctor looked frantic and unprepared.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" The doctor said as he backed out of the room. "Hang on! We are getting this taken care of, just hang tight."
Just seconds later a nurse came in to give me some painkillers. I started to feel the pain slip away, but something so much worse started to creep in. I heard a voice. Not my own. Not some creepy-sounding creature, but the voice of a normal-sounding man that I'd never heard before. But that wasn't the scary part. The scary part was what he was saying to me.
"Get me out. Get me out. Get me out!"
It started in a normal tone, but slowly became more urgent and rushed. Then demanding.
The voice would coincide with the moment inside me.
It was getting so loud that I was having a hard time hearing the people around me. The doctor came in just a few minutes after I last saw him. He was red and sweaty. Like he'd just run a marathon. He told me they needed to do just a few tests on what was inside me before taking action.
I was trying so hard to pay attention to the words coming out of his mouth but all I could hear was the voice. The voice stopped for just a second and changed what he was saying. Now he started repeating,
"Cut me out, cut me out, cut me out, now!" I now knew this thing didn't just want out but it wanted out now. I begged the doctor to just get it out now but he wouldn't listen. The voice spoke up again.
"This is taking too long. Don't be afraid. Get me out yourself."
I think it could feel me resisting. Without realizing it, I was looking around the room for something. It was like I didn't even have control over my head or eyes anymore. I knew the voice was looking for a knife but I was trying to ignore the feeling. I knew there weren't any knives around. I was in a very safe place.
Just as I had the feeling I was safe, it was immediately taken away. The thought passed through my head that my dad probably had a pocket knife on him. My heart sank. I knew this thing could hear my thoughts. I knew what it would try to do.
The next thing I knew, I was on my feet, leaping for my dad. My body hit his. luckily, he's in pretty good shape for his age and had no problems putting me in my place.
He got on top of me and pinned me to the ground. All while I could barely hear my mom in the background. Yelling at my dad to be careful. My dad knew something was going on and that I just needed to be on the ground until I calmed down.
My body tried to flail but it wasn't successful. The whole time the voice in my head, now yelling and screaming. Not saying any distinguishable words, but just having what felt like a tantrum. What made my dad the most uncomfortable was the kicking feeling coming from my stomach.
After a couple of minutes, the voice calmed down and I felt in charge of my body again. My dad slowly got up and attempted to help me up. At this point with an audience of hospital staff that looked like they were getting ready to take me somewhere for more tests.
Just as I stood up straight, I felt the voice take over and I lost all sense of my own body. I felt like a shell of myself. My dad gave me a soft yet worried smile, and in that instance, I grabbed him and reached into his pocket. My heart sank as I felt his pocket knife. The room started to panic and about 5 people tried to grab it from me. The last thing I remember is plunging the knife into my stomach. I felt a blinding pain and everything went black.
Several hours later I started to wake up. Everything was extremely blurry and fuzzy. I could hear a very faint voice telling me to relax. As the minutes passed by, things started to become a little bit clearer. I looked around and saw I was in a large room with a few other patients. A nurse was going up to all the beds and checking in on them. I tried to sit up a bit to get more comfortable and noticed an incredible sourness in my stomach. I moved my hospital gown out of the way and saw a huge scare. About 6" across. Most of the scare looked very surgical. Like what I'd imagine a c-section surgery would look like. Except where I remembered the knife going in. It looked like a bunch of extra stitches had to be added where it went in. It also looked pretty bruised. I can imagine that a dull 10-year-old knife that was harshly shoved into a body really wouldn't cleanly cut through and leave some damage.
The feeling of shock from looking at my stomach was quickly gone when I realized that meant whatever was in me was now gone. I didn't hear the voice, I didn't feel a hand in my gut anymore, I didn't see that vile kicking anymore. I felt like I could breathe.
I asked the nurse what they found and she looked flush.
"Uh, that's something that you, uh. Your doctor will talk with you once you eat something and can speak clearly." She said as she scurried off looking upset.
Shortly after that, I was wheeled into a recovery room and my parents came to see me.
As they walked in they had a very similar look on their faces as the nurse did. They looked pale and didn't want to look me in the eye. I kept asking them questions about what was going on but they said the doctor needed to discuss it with me and he wanted to make sure I wasn't feeling high from the anesthesia while we had a conversation.
The doctor didn't come and see me for another 10 hours. Which felt strange. And to add to the strangeness, my parents were taking shifts hanging out with me. There was only overlap when they switched and the other parent took over while the other one left the room. I would understand if they weren't both with me for the whole time. I'm not that needy, but they were only both in my room together for about an hour. That was the hour before the doctor came to my room.
Finally, the doctor came in to talk to me. When he walked in, the room was cold and quiet. It was evident he didn't feel the same relief I was feeling.
He seemed awkward. Like he was talking way too long to get over to me. He grabbed a chair and scooted it close to me.
"Listen Sam. I know this last 24 hours has been very challenging. I apologize for not explaining what happened during your surgery sooner, but we all needed time to figure it out, and quite frankly, process what happened. We feel we have enough information to let you in on what is going on." A silence filled the room. It felt like no one was brave enough to break it.
"And?" I said with confusion.
"I think it'll be easier if we just show you."
The doctor along with my parents helped me into a wheelchair and we started to make our way across the hospital to an entirely different section. I couldn't believe all the things running through my head at what we were about to see. It felt like cruel and unusual punishment to leave me in anticipation and not just tell me what I was about to see.
When I went around the corner I couldn't process what I was looking at. I thought they were showing me a large tumor or growth of some kind, but why would a tumor be in a big incubation chamber with tubes connected to IVs and machines coming out of it?
As I got closer, I started to see human fetchers on it. It was mostly just a 6-pound lump of flesh, but I could see a hand sticking out of it. It was small, but what made it creepy was it looked like a fully developed man's hand. Just small. I could see a patch of hair coming out of what I assumed was its head. It had no discernible facial features. Just a few teeth scattered in one section.
As I looked at it with disgust, coming to terms with this thing that was just in my body, I had a realization. I wasn't feeling sick at the thought of something being in my body. Sure, I was grossed out that this particular thing was just in me, but the thought of the bacteria in my body didn't make me want to throw up. I thought about all the blood pumping through my veins and I felt… normal. Not only was the voice and kicking gone. But my OCD was gone too. I didn't have a mental illness. It was just this thing. Trying to find its way out for years.
As I was staring at the creature, the doctor came and put his hand on my shoulder.
"We believe this is your twin brother." I immediately looked up at my parents who looked very disturbed and upset. I let the doctor finish talking. "We believe that you absorbed him in the womb and that he has been living inside you your whole life. This is an extremely rare condition called fetus-in-fetu. It seems he didn't quite have the best opportunity to develop normally. That's why he looks the way he does. Despite his appearance, he has all the organs he needs to survive. Looks like he's missing a lung and his gallbladder. Also a piece of his liver but other than that, it looks like he will live for at least a few years. He won't be able to leave this room due to him needing a feeding tube and a few other things that his body can not do on its own. He needs lots of support just to live. What makes this situation extremely unique is that your twin is still alive despite your body not sustaining him anymore. Even though we have him hooked up to a few IVs and machines, It is unexplainable how he is living while outside of your body."
I was in complete shock. I didn't want to believe it. I asked my mom why she never told me I absorbed my twin in the womb, she said she had no clue. There was never a sign when she was pregnant with me.
He also mentioned that sometimes even in pregnancies women will go their whole pregnancy without even getting a belly. It's called a 'Cryptic pregnancy'. I've always had a bit of a gut but never anything big enough to cause suspicion. I guess in my case I had a fetus-fetu and an experience similar to a cryptic pregnancy. Even though it was in my stomach. At least that was the doctor's best guess. Although, it all sounded like BS to me.
The doctor and my parents kept trying to explain more and more details to me. I don't know why they didn't slow down a little bit for my sake. How could they not tell I wasn't processing any of this?
I noticed something while they were trying to explain things to me. They kept calling it a 'He'.
Now listen. I'm not some kind of asshole that won't respect someone who wants to be called a specific pronoun. I've never been that kind of person. But this is where I draw the line.
Not just that. But this thing had a name. My parents named it and said today was its birthday. While they told me all this information, they didn't look happy about it. It seemed like they were forced to do all this nonsense. And now it was my turn to be convinced. I could tell they were trying to force it.
The doctor told me despite it not having a high probability for a long life that we should still try and give it the love it deserves. Of course, the doctor referred to it as a 'He' but I refused to.
This disgusted me. This thing tried to kill me and ruined my quality of life for so long, and now we are going to treat it like it's some kind of prince? No, absolutely not.
Luckily, it seemed like it would never leave the hospital, but my parents planned on going to visit it daily. Visiting it? Are you kidding me? it has no eyes, no ears, it's probably miserable and has no concept of people even being around it.
I'm refusing to ever see this thing again or acknowledge its existence again.
I could get in trouble for even talking about this. The hospital or anyone involved has signed NDAs to not share any information about this until it officially dies. This is because it's a medical anomaly and the first of its kind. They want to do the proper research on how this all occurred before coming out with a statement. I just have to get this all off my chest. I feel like I'm the crazy one here when I know I'm not. I don't care if I get in trouble.
I am scared that the doctors are trying to force my parents into giving this thing a proper life. I think that's why it took them so long to tell me. I think they scared my parents into keeping it alive and guilting them or even forcing them into being its parent.
I'm all for every life being important and all that stuff, but I have a feeling my parents are terrified of this thing just like I am.
I am convinced they gaslit my parents into believing this thing is my brother. If there wasn't any sign of him while my mom was pregnant with me, could this thing be something else?
This all happened about two years ago. It's still alive and they are still researching it. My parents continue to visit it despite everything. My therapist told me that I'm probably just struggling with jealousy now that I'm not an only child anymore and so much of my parents' attention is on him now, but it's so much bigger than just jealousy.
Since this thing showed up and my OCD is pretty much gone, I've hardly seen my parents. I know I'm not just jealous. There is something more to this. I know it.
Something just feels so off about this whole thing. What is this thing? Where did it come from? And what does it want?

Is it normal for an older hamster to basically just sleep except to eat, drink, and use the bathroom?
[I had some concerns about my hamster's health two days ago (she was visibly shaking and cold to the touch) but I've put her in a warmer room and given her water with a bit of Gatorade in it, and those issues seem to have gone away. She looks totally fine now, the only concern is the lack of activity. Her reflexes were slow yesterday, but they're back to normal today.]
Should I be concerned and take her to the vet just to be safe and make sure she doesn't have any invisible issues, or is this just normal behavior for older hamsters?

Tl;dr currently auditing my non negotiables in a relationship, survey: is it reasonable to want my future partner to not have an ex as a best friend?
I recently broke up with my partner of 2.5 years. We had a lot of issues throughout our relationship - but the main things are my ex’ communication issue which feed into my jealousy/ trust issue. One particular issue that came up often was him having his ex as a best friend. They hung out like 2-3 times a week without me because he said he preferred to hang out with his friends 1-1, this was also in addition to them messaging intensely throughout the day. He didn’t introduce me to her until we got into a big fight 2 years into our relationship and I threatened him to leave if he didn’t let me meet her. He used to name her contact on his phone with a nickname. It wasn’t like a lovey dovey nickname but still a nickname. I had to beg for him to change it coz it bothered me a lot. When he ended up letting me meet her they chose an activity where its literally impossible for me to get to know her. He swore that his friendship with her was platonic and that I should not worry. I used to tell myself that I needed to work on my trust issues until a month ago I just exploded and gave up on the relationship.
Now I’m at that stage of my life where I want to audit all my life choices and learn my negotiables/non negotiables for a relationship. But I also want my list to be reasonable and logical. So I guess my question is how normal it is for a guy in a relationship to have an ex as a best friend? I wouldn’t be ashamed/defensive if I turn out to be the one in the wrong and need to work on my trust issues. But is it reasonable for me to ask my future partner not to be best friend with his ex?

(continuation of part 4)
I already considered this piece the second greatest musical evidence for Clerith after the London Symphony Orchestra’s Final Fantasy VII Symphony’s second movement “Words Drowned by Fireworks” and its guide, but now that I know about the Clerith reunion that was baked into the ending, the gap between the two is narrower. Each time I hear Cloud begin to call out for Aerith in part 3 (3:04), I immediately start crying. It sounds so much to me like Cloud’s voice in the dark saying “Aerith…?”, meek and scared. If you’ve read everything so far, you know how long Cloud has been looking for Aerith, lost without her, searching relentlessly for decades in real-life time. Through FFT, DFF, Advent Children, MFF x FFVII… all of it spent looking for his Promised Land. In OG, Cloud was so tormented by Jenova’s manipulation and so consumed by the chase for Sephiroth that he could not realize what or how much he felt for her until she was taken away forever. The piece we’ve just analyzed tells the story of Cloud and Aerith intertwining and separating against their will, and you can truly feel Cloud’s anxiety as he struggles to wrench Aerith out of fate’s cruel grasp. Perhaps it is because of Aerith’s ultimately fatal responsibility, inherited from her mother, that this iteration of her theme is called “The Cetra”.
Though in part 5, Cloud and Aerith reunite… could this reunion symbolize their meeting again in Remake, or something more permanent? I think it’s meant to leave us wondering.
I’m very sensitive to music, and as I’m typing this, I’m crying a bit. I wanted to share my interpretation of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” with you very badly, because it makes me feel so much and really enhances Clerith’s story. I’m overjoyed to have found out about the reunion at the very end. And it’s all because you guys showed love for my last analysis! You guys are giving me gifts every day.
V. b) i. 3) Combined Analysis
Please listen to and watch the scene of Cloud’s MOTF 6 (4:21-8:46) again, and consider section “V. b) i. 2)”. What is Uematsu telling us? Similarly to how main world theme of FFVII informs us that Jenova is sabotaging Cloud’s identity far before it becomes a plot point in OG, “Aerith’s theme - The Cetra” is telling us what not even Remake Cloud consciously knows at this point: he’s been searching desperately for her, and fears losing her once more.
As if that wasn’t proof enough, the timing of the shots and musical phrases is absolutely damning. Recall that part 3 of “Aerith’s theme - The Cetra” specifically symbolizes Cloud’s anxiety surrounding Aerith’s safety. It is this particular part of the piece that plays for the entirety of Aerith’s allusions to her murderers and her death (7:25-7:54), including the very moment where “Cloud feels his chest constrict tightly” (7:51-7:54). What’s more, part 5 the piece, which specifically Cloud freeing Aerith from the restraints of fate, coincides with the moment Tifa grabs Aerith’s hand and pulls her out from the circle of Whispers closing in on her (8:42-8:45). This moment leads me to believe that the reunion in part 5 of the piece indeed symbolizes Cloud succeeding (perhaps with Tifa’s help) in saving Aerith from her tragic fate and reuniting with her for good.
It’s heart-wrenching and brilliant. Our theory stands strong.
V. b) ii. Credits: Piece Inclusion
I find it very telling that the character themes included in the credits of Remake are Cloud’s “Hollow” (0:00-5:24), an orchestral arrangement of Aerith’s theme (5:24-9:24), and an orchestral arrangement of the main world theme, (9:24-14:27) which of course includes Cloud’s true theme. No other character themes appear during the rest of the credits (14:27-18:09). This is telling: the credits are communicating to us that Remake is about Cloud and Aerith. Our Mission Theory only gets stronger.
V. b) iii. Showing Relationships Through Music: Intermingling Character Themes
This doesn’t have to do with the Mission, but here’s a pretty good anti-Cloti argument while we’re here.
As shown in section “V. a) i.” where we explored the roles of Cloud, Jenova and Sephiroth’s themes within the FFVII world theme, the way character themes interact in a piece can tell you a lot about those characters’ relationships. This is certainly the case in “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” as well (see section “V. b. ii. 2)”).
I’d like to mention that in all of my listening to the Remake OST and rewatching playthroughs of Remake, I’ve never encountered a single piece that united Cloud and Tifa’s themes. Not once. Let alone a piece that depicts them as intimately or emotionally as “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” depicts Cloud and Aerith. Even the most Cloti cutscenes in Remake aren’t supported by pieces mixing or even juxtaposing Cloud and Tifa’s themes. I can’t find any of Cloud’s motifs anywhere during the orchestral arrangement of Tifa’s theme that plays during her resolution scene in chapter 14. I can’t find either of their motifs in the track the plays when Cloud calls Tifa beautiful at Seventh Heaven in chapter 3. A motif from Tifa’s theme does appear in the track that plays during the childhood promise scene in chapter 4, (0:00-0:25), but it never plays at the same time as or even near Cloud’s motifs (1:23-1:47 and 2:03-2:29). They’re distant or otherwise unaffiliated.
The only exception is that an altered version of Cloud’s theme’s section A phrase 1 appears in the background of Tifa’s theme (1:17-1:23). This symbolizes her connection to Cloud and how much of her attention and worry revolve around him— a reference to how she cares so much that it borders on dependency. Of course, it doesn’t go both ways: Tifa isn’t in Cloud’s theme at all. To me, this lack of reciprocity concerning the inclusion of Cloud’s motif in Tifa’s theme signifies that the only time Cloud and Tifa are together is in her head. She does think about him a lot, which we witness in her chapter of Trace of Two Pasts. Tifa loses sleep over him even two years after he left Nibelheim, despite the fact that she barely knew him at all:

“The moment she heard the word “Soldier”, the few memories she had with Cloud Strife came flooding back. He never contacted her after they parted ways two years ago […]. She tossed and turned all night. When she counted them again, her memories with Cloud were so surprisingly few that others might find it hard to believe that they grew up as next-door neighbors” (Trace of Two Pasts, translated by pekotranslates on Tumblr).

FFVII Remake Ultimania also comments on the superficial nature of Cloud and Tifa’s water tower promise, and how regardless of its naïveté, it became fundamental to Tifa:

“Though rooted in a jejune heroine fantasy of being rescued in a pinch by her hero, this promise is clearly etched in Tifa’s memory” (Tifa’s profile in section 01 of “Character & World”, “An Enduring Childhood Promise” in “Topics of Tifa” page 20).

You could argue that “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” is only one song wherein Cloud and Aerith’s themes interweave, but you’d be proven wrong by the Rebirth OST…
V. c) The Rebirth OST
Unfortunately, the full Rebirth OST isn’t out and available where I can listen to it right now. However, based solely on the incomplete OST that’s available to me right now, I can tell you with certainty that the composers were told to incorporate Clerith into the musical storytelling: Cloud and Aerith’s themes intermingle in multiple pieces. I can’t imagine what else I’ll discover once I listen to the full OST. For now, I checked out what was available on YouTube and listened to cutscene audios. This section would be eternal if I included every time Cloud and Aerith’s motifs interact, especially in chapter 14. Trust me, I’d love to talk about every single one, but this thing is long enough already, so let’s just address what pertains to our Mission Theory specifically rather than stopping at every single Clerith reference in the OST.
V. c) i. Ending Cutscene Music
Ending cutscenes are often used to address the next step the characters will be taking as well as their emotional and mental state. They also open up new questions to make the player curious. Indeed, Rebirth’s ending cutscene (18:56-25:00) gives us an impression of how the party members feel by the end of the game: everyone misses Aerith. Barret looks upset and confused at the mention of her (19:35-19:45), the girls are crying and Nanaki is mourning (19:58-20:35). Additionally, we are shown the empty White Materia and Black Materia in Cloud’s possession (20:40-21:24), foreshadowing that they will come to be important in part 3. Cloud and Aerith share a warm goodbye, and exchange promises: Aerith will send smoke signals if something happens to her so a worried Cloud can remain updated on her well-being and she will stop Meteor, and Cloud will stop Sephiroth (23:00-25:00). The fact that this scene is animated in CGI is enough to tell us that the devs consider it narratively important, just like they do Bugenhagen’s observatory and the party’s advance into the Forgotten Capital CGI cutscenes. What did the composers decide to communicate with us about the end of Rebirth and the plot going forward?
Big surprise: Clerith.
During the entire cutscene, only two themes play: Cloud’s and Aerith’s. The cutscene’s music begins only when Cloud notices Aerith among the party members and begins watching her (19:21). She interacts with the rest of the party without their knowledge, different segments of her theme playing one after another. Her theme only stops when Cloud finally looks away from her and to the empty White Materia in his hand (20:45). The music focuses on the mystery and ominousness of these materia, only returning to Aerith once Cloud hears her voice and repeats her message to the party (21:30).
Cloud’s theme appears when he asserts that Barret needn’t worry about him (section A of Cloud’s true theme, 22:41), though soft and tentative, only swelling when Barret and Tifa climb aboard the Tiny Bronco and Cloud finds himself alone with Aerith again (22:57). As he asks Aerith if “[she’ll] be okay getting back” (23:08), the final phrase of section A of his theme plays, but without its concluding note, the tonic. He waits for her to answer him as his theme waits for hers to complete and answer it, that final note dragging long over the seconds (23:09-23:13). She answers with a teasing remark that references their unwillingness to part from each other back in Remake’s Evergreen Park:

“[Cloud has] a chat with Aerith, from whom he’s reluctant to part” (chapter 9 in section 04 “Scenario”, “Main Story Digest”, “4. Saying Goodbye”, page 275)”.

As soon as Aerith answers Cloud’s question with this romantic callback, her theme answers his too: section C of Aerith’s theme begins with the key’s tonic, resolving Cloud’s incomplete phrase (23:13): she gives him resolution. He chuckles, getting her reference, and the music swells (23:16). The music ebbs and flows thusly, following the rhythms and underlying emotions of their conversation. Finally, the piece ends with phrase 2 of of section A of Cloud’s true theme, following a strong repetition of the first half of Aerith’s theme’s section A. The two make their promises to each other, and “No Promises to Keep” begins, leading us to the credits. This is most definitely a Clerith song, but more on that later.
What this shows us is that Cloud and Aerith’s relationship is fundamental to the plot of Rebirth and will also be fundamental to the plot of part 3: they are isolated one one-on-one in this cutscene, and the music depicts their warm, sweet interaction as well as the strength of Aerith’s character to contrast with Cloud’s somewhat meek personality. The composers are telling us that these two, specifically, together alone, are hugely important to the plot here. This was already true in OG, but no such emphasis was ever placed on their interactions and relationship in its music. Something is different, deeper, more intense now. The Mission Theory explains why. It also suits our theory that the composers are emphasizing the centrality of Clerith in the plot of the Remake trilogy. Cloud’s love for Aerith is the reason for the trilogy’s existence, and it will be the greatest motivator for Cloud in part 3. It’s a grand announcement.
Just like in Remake, I could not find a single instance of Cloud and Tifa’s themes interacting in Rebirth, apart from at the end of the intimate Skywheel date— but every girl receives this treatment in their intimate dates, so each of these instances can be crossed out. Additionally, the Tifa date is not the canon one, but I digress…
V. c) iii. Credits

1. Piece Inclusion

Once more, I find it very telling that of all the pieces included in the credits of Rebirth, the only character themes are Cloud’s and Aerith’s. We start with a song about Aerith’s point of view to mirror *Remake’*s “Hollow”, “No Promises to Keep” (5:18-11:10), followed by the FFVII world theme (11:10-16:12) which of course contains Cloud’s true theme, then we move into a piece whose unofficially translated title is “Parade Battle Ceremony - The Dawn of a New World” as an arrangement of the parade ceremony theme from chapter 4 (16:12-19:03), followed by a theme for the Lifestream springs whose name I don’t have (19:03-21:38), “Junon - Fortified Metropolis” (21:38-24:28), and finally, a gorgeous arrangement of Aerith’s theme (24:28-28:47). No other character is referenced in the credits music: the credits are telling us Rebirth is about Clerith. Our Mission Theory explains why.
V. c) iii. 2) “No Promises to Keep”
At the very end of this song written and performed by Aerith, we’re treated with a sweet little piano conclusion (10:46-11:10): it begins with a variation on Aerith’s theme’s section A (10:46-11:01), and concludes with two ascending arpeggios, each four notes long (11:01-11:10). Each of these ascending arpeggios is a variation of the phrase 1 of Cloud’s true theme’s section A. The differences are minimal. The phrase is usually five notes long rather than four, the first arpeggio ends on the tonic rather than Cloud’s iconic subtonic, and the second arpeggio starts on the subtonic rather than the tonic. The song Aerith wrote concludes with Cloud’s most famous motif. This is also the case in her Gold Saucer performance (3:31-3:41).
V. c) iii. 3) Arrangement of Aerith’s Theme
The final piece in the credits is an arrangement of Aerith’s theme (24:28-28:47) which has noticeably similar elements to the version of her theme that plays during the Jenova Lifeclinger battle in chapter 14 (0:12-3:36), such as the female choirs. Since these female choirs are only heard in the Forgotten City version of Aerith’s theme, and since the credits arrangement of her theme plays at the same time as clips from her chapter 14 pseudo-death roll across the screen, I estimate that this credits arrangement specifically reflects the event of Aerith’s pseudo-death. Recall that composers had access to the credits video as they composed, meaning this piece is specifically written for Aerith’s pseudo-death in Rebirth.
What I find fascinating is that, just like the arrangements of her theme that play during Aerith’s pseudo-death and the Jenova Lifeclinger battle, this credits arrangement contains the sound of Cloud’s pain, rage and protest. Phrase 1 and the first three notes of phrase 2 of Cloud’s true theme section A play on the strings and brass quite loudly and insistently, just as Cloud blocking masamune appears on the credits screen (25:11-25:21). Sephiroth’s dissonant, high and screechy violins appear just as his face comes onto the screen (26:33), and almost as a protective response, phrases 1 and 2 of Cloud’s true theme’s section A return (26:47-27:00). Finally, similarly to what we hear in part 5 of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra”, a slightly modified section A phrase 1 of Cloud’s true theme play along with section C phrase 3 of Aerith’s theme (oh wow section A and C section Aerith for Cloud’s theme and section Cloud for Aerith’s theme I just realized that’s such a cute coincidence), though unfortunately they do not meet in the middle like last time since they start two octaves apart (28:20-28:25). I’ve recreated it for you once more here so you can really appreciate it. The fact that their motifs don’t truly reunite like in “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” is sad, but the very last thing you see onscreen is Aerith’s goodbye to the Tiny Bronco (27:10-27:42), so it makes sense that this piano conclusion implies that Cloud and Aerith aligned, but not yet reunited for good. That’s exactly what you get from the ending cutscene. It does seem to imply that they will be reunited in part 3, as both the ending cutscene and this piano conclusion read as a “till we see each other again” rather than a “farewell”.

VI. Textual Evidence

Now that the musical evidence is done, let’s compile some textual story evidence that supports our theory!
VI. a) Remake Trilogy (Thus Far) Handholding Explained?
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, handholding is a motif in Cloud and Aerith’s relationship— and an extremely symbolic one at that! When researching for info to validate my theory, I found that this Clerith motif was extremely helpful! Its inclusion in the Remake trilogy, and especially in Rebirth, is hugely significant in my eyes.
VI. a) i. Pre-Remake Trilogy: Aerith’s Initiative
Before examining the significance of Clerith handholding in Remake and Rebirth, we should establish the meaning of this motif in OG and Advent Children.
Cloud and Aerith have reached out to take each other’s hands many times since 1997. Aerith used to literally drag him by the hand a lot, shocking the cold and distant merc, before she left. After her death in OG, Cloud surely longed to be able to feel her hand take his again, cursing himself for not enjoying it while she was alive, and for never being the one to grasp her hand first: he never got to tell her how he feels about her, or to save her. It was always her reaching out for him, saving him.
This is why the scene in OG when Aerith reaches for him from the Lifestream after Cloud defeats Sephiroth in chapter 3 of disk 3 is so touching: Cloud sees her hand and reaches out to take it, so close to finally establishing that mutual connection, but she soon fades, and replaced by Tifa’s hand in the tangible world. He doesn’t get to hold Aerith’s hand again.
That is, not until Advent Children, where near the end of his battle with Bahamut Sin, he sees Aerith reach out to him once again (1:08-1:30). Cloud finally gets to hold her hand for the first time in two years when he lost her. This moment was given extra importance by the devs. In fact, Nojima told us the following:

“The ending scene of the battle with Bahamut, the scene where Aerith reaches out her hand, is an homage to the last scene from a previous production. It was [Nomura]'s idea” (FFVII Reunion Files, “Story Digest”, “Summoned Beast”, page 113).

VI. a) ii. The Remake Trilogy (Thus Far): Cloud’s Initiative
As I’ve said before, if I’m right that Remake is all about Cloud stepping up to be more attentive and active in his relationship with Aerith in order to save her, there should be concrete evidence of this in the Remaketrilogy thus far. If OG Cloud’s memories of and love for Aerith exist somewhere within Remake Cloud’s subconsciousness, then Remake Cloud should be far more active in the Clerith dynamic than OG Cloud was— after all, he’s supposed to know better this time around. Thankfully, the motif of handholding can help us evaluate this. Since we know pre-Remake Cloud was quite passive when it comes to handholding, Cloud initiating handholding in the Remake trilogy would be a strong indication that our theory has validity. Keeping this in mind, let’s see what we can find thus far in the Remake trilogy in relation to handholding, and if Cloud is indeed more active than he was in OG.
VI. a) ii. 1) Hollow Hands
Remake’s theme song “Hollow” makes allusions to the handholding motif: “This time, I will never let you go” is pretty clear. And so is “No Promises to Keep”, wherein Aerith speaks of Cloud “[taking her] hand and never [letting her] go” multiple times. Interestingly, these theme song lyrics seem to suggest that Cloud will be much more active in the Remake trilogy than in OG. “Hollow” even promises that Cloud will come to his senses and take charge of the situation: “this time, [he] will” be the one to offer his hand to Aerith, unlike in OG and Advent Children. This makes a lot of sense with our theory: now that Cloud has lost Aerith once, “this time for sure, [he]’ll” be the one to reach for Aerith’s hand, take initiative and save her the way she saved him.
Even though theme songs are extremely telling of a game’s main themes and intentions, lyrics are still all talk and no proof. What about the game itself? Do Remake and Rebirth deliver on this promise? Let’s see!
VI. a) ii. 2) Resolution Hands
The only significant time Cloud initiates handholding in Remake is during Cloud’s resolution scene in chapter 14 (5:18-5:40), wherein he tries to grab Aerith’s hand but is unable to keep her with him. He fills with determination and tells her in no uncertain terms that he’s coming for her. Just as we predicted, Cloud is the active participant in this iteration of the Clerith handholding motif: he’s even explicitly insisting against Aerith’s wishes that he should “get a say in all this” and that he’s “coming for [her]”. Let’s not forget that Cloud’s resolution is meant to reflect not only Aerith’s kidnapping by Shinra, but also her fated death. Nojima implied this by commenting the following on Aerith’s “Even if you think you have, it’s not real” line:

“Those who know what befalls Aerith later on will find the line really heart-wrenching” (FFVII Remake Ultimania, section 08 “Secrets”, “Development Staff Interviews, Part 2: Tetsuya Nomura, Yoshinori Kitase, Kazushige Nojima”, page 744).

Given this note by Nojima, it looks like we’re supposed to watch Cloud’s resolution scene with Aerith’s fated death in mind. Considering this, Cloud’s “I’m coming for you” line sure seems like an subconscious promise that he will save Aerith from her tragic fate. This subconscious promise could be the result of post-OG Cloud’s feelings and intentions rising to the surface. Nevertheless, he’s absolutely determined and he’s staying true to the promise he made in “Hollow”. I think it’s fair to say that this instance of the handholding Clerith motif does indeed fit perfectly with our theory. This is only one strong example though, and we need a pattern in order to pat ourselves on the back on this. So, let’s keep looking! There isn’t any handholding initiated by Cloud beyond that point in Remake. At this point in my research, I moved on to Rebirth to go digging for handholding there.
Hoo boy. I was not disappointed.
VI. a) ii. 3) Golden Hands
Let’s begin with the obvious. In their high-affinity gondola date in chapter 12, Cloud bravely interlaces his fingers with Aerith’s: Cloud’s taken charge not only of handholding, but the most intimate kind of handholding. I’m sure you’ve encountered the phrase “こいびとつなぎ” or “koibito tsunagi by now (literally translates to “lovers’ tie” or “lovers’ connection”); this is the term used in Japanese to refer to the type of handholding Cloud initiates with Aerith on the Skywheel. It’s considered the most intimate form of handholding. In Japan, skinship is normally considered quite significant and indicative of the closeness between two people— you could say it’s a big deal. Cloud also offers Aerith his hand when they step off the Shywheel, once more making the first move. Though some might say that the Skywheel dates shouldn’t be counted as canon, I believe Aerith’s date is indeed canon (I have my reasons but this post is long enough). Even if we discount the Skywheel date however, Clerith's use of the koibito tsunagi returns in a non-optional scene we will touch on later.
For what it’s worth, Alfreid offers Rosa his hand in the Loveless play too. I can prove that Aerith is the canon Rosa too, but I’m going to save that for my next analysis! You can take my word for it now, or just wait for that analysis to drop. Take it or leave it!
VI. a) ii. 4) Meta Hands
However, the narrative weight of these Clerith handholding instances doesn’t even come close to my very favorite iteration of the handholding motif in Rebirth. I’m referring to what I consider a severely underrated Clerith moment in chapter 13. First, some context: Sephiroth manipulates Cloud into giving over the Black Materia. Cloud seems to be firmly under Sephiroth’s control. However, the sight of Aerith being swarmed by Black Whispers snaps Cloud back into the driver’s seat: he breaks out of Sephiroth’s grasp to run to her and save her. Aerith gets knocked off into a fatal free-fall by a Black Whisper before Cloud can reach her, but he won’t have it: he lunges forward, hand extended. What results is a beautiful shot of their outstretched hands (56:25-56:27).
Let’s analyze this great shot. Notice how the seconds where Cloud is reaching downwards to grasp Aerith’s hand are treated. This key moment is stretched longer by a slow-mo effect, building up the tension and drawing the audience’s focus to the distance between their hands before Cloud actually catches Aerith’s in his, fulfilling the promise he made in “Hollow”. Their hands take up the whole screen in a deliberate close-up shot. All the ambient noises of the scene go quiet: Aerith’s theme is all we hear as Cloud reaches desperately for her. These are blatant audiovisual cues, signalling to the audience that whatever is happening on screen is especially significant. We should therefore examine this specific instance of the Clerith handholding motif to see what the devs are trying to tell us, and maybe it will fit with our theory!
We should begin by comparing this Clerith hand-reach shot to previous ones. If you compare it to the Advent Children’s hand-reach that occurs during Cloud’s battle against Bahamut Sin, it’s evident that Cloud and Aerith’s roles are reversed: just as our theory states, Cloud gets out from inside his head and reaches for Aerith this time. She saved him and the world in OG, and now it’s his turn to save her. This change becomes especially evident when you juxtapose the two scenes and notice how their hands have switched places, reaching from above and below, from left and right. I think the Rebirth hand-reach was deliberately made to look like the Advent Children one —and even the OG one in disk 3, chapter 3—, just to highlight this role reversal.
This Rebirth hand-reach is my favorite out of all because it shows that Cloud is much more conscious and attentive toward Aerith in Rebirth than he was in OG. At this point in OG (disk 1, chapter 25), Cloud is meant to be beating Aerith up at Sephiroth’s command, to the horror of the rest of the party. In fact, a few minutes before Cloud rushes to save Aerith in Rebirth, he has absolutely no problem violently shoving Tifa to the ground when she gets in Sephiroth’s way (53:27-53:33). This shove and Cloud’s earlier attack on Tifa in Gongaga (Rebirth, chapter 9) proves that Sephiroth is just as capable of making Cloud hurt his party members as he was in OG… though Sephiroth can’t seem to make Cloud hurt Aerith. Why is this? Why is it that Cloud beats Aerith in OG, but doesn’t even lay a finger on her —and snaps out of Sephiroth’s control at the mere sight of her in trouble— in Rebirth?
Our theory provides the answer. In disk 1, chapter 25 of OG, Cloud had not yet realized he loved Aerith. Sephiroth was therefore able to make him hurt her. But things are different in Rebirth. The Cloud we see in the Remake trilogy has gone through the OG timeline and traveled back in time, kicking off Remake as his second try at the OG timeline— and he did this precisely because he loves Aerith. His love for her is clearer and stronger in the Remake trilogy than in OG because Remake Cloud is an amnesiac, post-OG, time-traveler Cloud. He’s been through the OG before, has fallen in love with Aerith and realized it before, so this time around, he can’t even lay a finger on her. This is made evident by how closely the moments where Cloud pushes Tifa and saves Aerith are juxtaposed, separated by mere seconds of gameplay. Merely seeing Aerith in trouble wrenched control from Sephiroth and put it in Cloud’s hands again— Sephiroth probably couldn’t have gotten Cloud to attack Aerith if he tried.
This isn’t the only time we get evidence of this though! As Cloud approaches Aerith’s praying form in the Forgotten City, Sephiroth’s Black Whispers swirl around the buster sword: Sephiroth is trying to kill Aerith with it, while Cloud’s struggle to wrench it away plays out visibly on his face. Interestingly, Cloud is not being controlled by Sephiroth here. We know this because we can quite literally see the Black Whispers trying to move his sword, but also because every time Cloud is being controlled by Sephiroth in Rebirth, he has an empty-eyed, zombie-Cloud look on his face. Either that or he laughs or smiles somewhat maniacally. There is never any resistance on his part. To see an example, simply pay attention to Cloud’s blank face as he attacks Tifa in Gongaga in chapter 9 (19:20-20:30). You’ll see the very same expression on his face if you watch this video of Cloud following Sephiroth’s orders in chapter 13 (53:36-54:15). Additionally, look at how strangely Cloud smiles (41:01) as he grasps the Black Materia. Cloud makes none of these faces as the Black Whispers try to take control of his sword: quite the opposite. Cloud looks like he’s trying his hardest to pull his weapon back down and away from Aerith, a horrified look on his face as he grunts from the effort. Once more, Sephiroth is unable to make Cloud hurt Aerith.
Back to my favorite handholding moment. Think about this devs intention for this shot for a minute. The devs have been teasing us as to whether or not Cloud will succeed in saving Aerith in the Remake trilogy since it was first announced, and this slow-mo shot of Cloud catching Aerith’s hand as she falls to her death is a reflection of this tension. The audience holds their breath during those slow-moed seconds, all that hope and fear hanging in the balance. This instance of the handholding motif is a meta way for the devs to reassure us that Cloud will indeed save Aerith. I firmly believe this.
VI. a) ii. 5) Self-Sacrificing Hands
Alright, alright, enough about my favorite! Let’s move to chapter 14 of Rebirth! There’s evidently a lot going on with Clerith in this chapter. Let’s address the Sector 5 date. The handholding is first initiated by Aerith as she tugs him toward the candy vendor and Cloud reacts with a quiet gasp (4:07-4:17). Soon, it becomes a reciprocal embrace: Cloud holds his hand out for Aerith’s and tightens his fingers around hers, smiling at her before they head to the photographer (7:07-7:17).
Then of course, when Aerith pushes Cloud into a portal in her church, you can see Cloud reach his hand up toward her desperately as he falls (17:38-17:58). What I find particularly emotional about this moment is that Aerith pushing Cloud away from her is kind of the opposite of reaching for his hand: it symbolizes Aerith accepting her fate and giving up on a life where she can be with him. This Aerith seems to be a post-OG Aerith who exists separately from the main world we experience in Rebirth, meaning she knows all too well that her fate is to die. In fact, it looks like she is the very same or a similar Aerith to the one who appeared to Cloud in his resolution scene in Remake. By literally pushing Cloud away, just like she figuratively did in Cloud’s resolution scene, she is sacrificing both herself and the happiness she could share with Cloud. She’s going against her heart’s wishes, just like she did in Cloud’s resolution scene when she would not let Cloud take her hand. Indeed, post-OG Aerith seems to be resigned to her fated death and completely devoid of hope: she only wants to ensure the planet’s survival, because she thinks she knows there is no way she can or should be with Cloud. In contrast, Cloud reaches his hand out toward Aerith as he falls into the portal, and even though he does not know that her push symbolizes her self-sacrifice, his outstretched hand represents his protest. So far, our theory is fitting beautifully.
VI. a) ii. 6) Grieving Hands
Later in chapter 14 of Rebirth, after Aerith’s death/non-death, there is more handholding. As Cloud cradles Aerith’s body close to him at the Forgotten Capital, Aerith places her hand on his cheek. Cloud covers it with his, curling his fingers around it (1:03:33-1:03:53). Before he leaves her lying down on her back to go fight Sephiroth, he squeezes her hand as he tells her “I got this”— or, per the Japanese version, “Wait for me”, meaning he’ll reunite with her once he’s done (1:04:56-1:05:10).
VI. a) ii. 7) Hero-Heroine Hands
Next, the koibito tsunagi returns as Cloud and Aerith interlace fingers back to back in a classic hero-heroine pose, right after their two-versus-one fight against Sephiroth. This time, they both reach for each other simultaneously (7:42-8:18), without even having to look down at their hands or talk to each other, as though perfectly in sync. As you can see, Aerith and Cloud are now on the same page. This is different from post-OG Aerith’s attitude in the Sector 5 church earlier in chapter 14, as well as in Cloud’s resolution scene in Remake— my interpretation of this mutual koibito tsunagi is that both of them are agreeing to hold onto each other now, with neither of them pulling back or being inattentive of the other: their priorities are now the same. It seems now they are aligned, and hopefully this means that Aerith will be working together with Cloud so they can reunite again in part 3. Even if she doesn’t prioritize her life and happiness though, we know for sure Cloud will.
VI. b) Blocking Masamune Explained?
Another piece of evidence that Cloud has been through the events of OG before is the fact that he is able to block masamune. Cloud looks up and sees Sephiroth descending with his blade poised to kill Aerith. Screaming, Cloud instantly rips the buster sword from the Black Whispers’ hold and successfully blocks masamune. Hatred and determination fill his eyes as he rallies his strength and successfully pushes Sephiroth away, saving Aerith’s life (6:00-7:26)— at least, in one reality.
Obviously, something about Cloud is different in Rebirth from in OG, otherwise, the events of Rebirth’s chapter 14 would be the same as the events of OG’s disk 1 chapter 28. In my opinion, what happened here is that upon seeing Sephiroth swoop down with masamune, Cloud remembered Aerith’s death in OG, and the post-OG Cloud’s determination to stop it came surging up from within him. This is frankly the very best proof there is that Cloud is far more ready, stable, determined, and clear-headed about Aerith in the Remake trilogy than in OG. Our theory explains why! In fact, this very moment is what our entire theory banks on: Cloud saves Aerith in one reality, as is shown by the rainbow effect produced by the event, and just like that, the promise made in “Hollow” has been fulfilled! However, now we face the question of how to make sure that Aerith is alive and by Cloud’s side when the multiverse converges again into one protected timeline. I’m sure it will be done; we will see how in part 3.
VI. c) Theme Song Lyrics
What the theme songs’ texts have to say about the trilogy so far is quite important, as they summarize the feelings of the characters they represent: Cloud and Aerith. We can glean a lot from their perspectives that could help support the Mission Theory.
VI. d) i. “Hollow” Lyrics
“Hollow”, Remake’s theme song, was written about Cloud’s feelings and rumination. Nojima confirmed that, when he was given directives for the lyric-writing, “Nomura just gave [Nojima] the keywords: ‘told from Cloud's point of view’ and ‘standing in the rain’. [Nojima] interpreted that as ‘a ballad for a man who lost something/someone important’” (Nojima and Uematsu interview “‘I wanted to put the word ‘empty’ in the theme song of Remake. That was how it started’ - Music-Related Interview Part 6: Kazunari Nojima”, by Famitsu). Our theory is about Cloud’s motivations and mission to save Aerith, so “Hollow” is especially relevant.
Let’s run through the lyrics and analyze, starting with the song’s first verse:

“I would be lost, drifting along
Floating up high, time after time
And there you'd be, shining brightly
Your smiling face to guide my way
Bloody and bruised, brought to my knees
When beaten down, when broken up
You would appear, reach out to me
Heal every wound and make me whole”

Makes sense with our theory in mind, doesn’t it? This is post-OG Cloud remembering Aerith and what she means to him. “Hollow” seems to be told from the perspective of the post-OG Cloud hidden somewhere in Remake Cloud: a suppressed or eroded part of him that remembers Aerith clearly. Or maybe it’s told by Cloud after the events of the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration and before the start of Remake, asserting his mission to save Aerith.
Next, here are the pre-choruses:

“Was it all, a dream? Will I never know?
Foolish and blind to everything
Had I realized, had I thought it through
Would you be here in my embrace?”

&

“With your every smile, hiding something more
Dark mysteries lurking beneath
But I was consumed with this emptiness
This selfishness, this void to fill”

(continued in

I'm 19 now. I met my ex friend around 2 years ago? So when I was 17. He was a year younger.
Trigger warning: SI/SH/SA
My ex friend was a covert narcissist (a narcissist that hides under insecurity and a need for validation, while their abusive tendencies and lack of empathy remains the same.)
I stood up for him, so much. I tried to validate him, I tried to please him but it was never enough. Even though I’ve been abused twice by narcissists, I never saw it coming.
And the reason I didn't catch it, is because when we first met, he said he had autism. So I trusted him, because he said he was always honest, and because he blamed his toxic tendencies on autism. He seemed so sad, and I wanted to support him. I left friends for him, I stood up for him when people talked bad about him.
To be clear, I'm not being ableist towards autistic people. This is not because of him not understanding social cues or anything like that. The main reason why I left him was because he called himself the "worst kind of narcissist" and even after I told him that was offensive to victims of abuse he just said, “oh.” Like I'm not even joking that was his exact response.
And when I tried to help him (I thought he was gaslighting himself) and my followers who might feel the same way (by making posts about how victims can gaslight themselves into thinking they're the abuser, by talking about narcissism and my own experiences with abuse,) he got really mad and told me "I suspect I have NPD,” and “the only reason why you posted that was because of me, the mere fact that you posted that shows that you look down on me, you have been extremely rude blah blah blah.” Notice that I do not cite him feeling offended by the content of what I posted, because he never said anything about that at all. Is it possible? Sure. But I am sick of feeling like I have to read his mind, I know now that it’s because of his toxic behaviors and manipulation.
I left him after that because he knew I had trauma from abuse, and he’s never been sensitive to that throughout our entire friendship.
I’ll call my ex-friend narcissist to spare myself the drama if he ever finds out what I posted. (He has 30,000 followers online and most of our mutual friends openly sided with him.)
This was a pattern with him. The way he acted whenever he was corrected, it was never an apology, it was him or his friend changing the subject. Oftentimes instead of apologizing he would start to nitpick what others did, like calling others “bad at writing,” and saying stuff like “I'm a better writer than all of you!” These toxic traits are not intrinsic to autism, and are clearly narcissism, right?
I would bring up more examples but obviously I can’t remember them all.
Many of the things he would say were really offensive and degrading towards me, even in group chats, but he would hide it behind a “joke.” None of his friends defended me because they clearly enable him or just didn’t believe me when I say he treated me like sh*t.
But anyways, here are some of the wonderful things he’s said:
“KS” (he knew that I have struggled with MDD and sal ideation for a long time. And he even said it himself, “I shouldn’t say that, (my name) would actually do it.” And he didn’t stop after that. He says this as a joke to a lot of scidal people. I never thought he wouldn’t actually care if I did or not, because I never expected such blatant cruelty from anyone.)
“Your mom isn’t that bad.” (I talked about my experiences with abuse with him on multiple occasions. She puts on a smile and is nice to visitors but she has prevented me from going in-patient when I was actively s*cidal amongst other things. He knew that she basically allowed me to strve myself etc. while calling me “ungrateful” and “selfish” when I didn’t perform well enough in school due to the abuse.)
This next one is so clearly awful, that it’s actually funny that he thinks it was okay to say.
“Me and his mom <3” and “I miss your mom’s cooking so much.” (He said this in a group chat full of strangers to me. After I reminded him I was abused by her, he said, “hate the artist not the art.”)
“Get therapy!” (After I told him about my experience with sual trauma. He has some himself, so it’s possible he was triggered. But we had another mutual friend who would talk about that stuff and would talk about s and he never had a problem with it.)
“Ped*phile” (I used to have a crush on him,) (I’m only a year older, so 17-18) he thought this was a funny joke to make in a group chat full of strangers.
“I want your shirt. Take it off” (I said I'm not wearing anything underneath, and he said “I don’t see a problem with that.” That was in public, I barely knew him at that point.)
“I hate you” and many other things along those lines.
“Get a job!” And “be my sugar daddy” (again, in a group chat full of strangers. I couldn’t get a job due to my eczema which was oftentimes a 10 on the pain scale!)
Some of these things, I didn’t have a problem with back then, because I have never been treated well and didn’t have any sense of self-worth. So I never said anything about it and blamed myself for being "oversensitive"
His actions didn’t really ever show love for me, besides public hugs and affection. He would frequently respond to texts dryly and I just kept talking to him because I thought that was just his thing. I really did have a lot of love for him, but I realize now that that was just my desire for him to stop breadcrumbing me.
Much of my life was me viewing bullying and abuse as “they just struggle with showing that they care in healthy ways.” But the bullying would be things like “I bet she sits her wrists” and “you look like you’re on the verge of s*cide.” (While laughing, of course.)
He said it himself, that he was jealous of me and the fact that I was skinny and passed well as a pre-hormone therapy trans guy. We’re both trans. (I don’t know how people in this subreddit feel about that, but please separate your opinions on that from me. Please focus on the fact that we’re all victims of narcissistic abuse.)
I also have an eating disorder like him, and he would say stuff like “it can’t be as bad as mine because you're skinny.” And like… he knows my body image issues have to do with size and he would size up in public and make me feel short and small when he knew I was insecure about that. He made me feel worthless while calling me handsome in public!
While I was friends with him, the second I did anything that offended him or made him feel an “ick” he would be VERY aggressive about asserting his perspective and would not give any leniency to me.
Some of the things I did to give him the “ick” were jokes I made. I'm warning you though it's really weird and probably very out of place for this subreddit 😅
So I would draw things based on dumb memes like Sonic x Pikachu (as a joke, and he knew that it wasn't my idea, he saw the original meme.) I sent him a video once of like worms on a string bondage (it was a satire/skit not graphic/not like corn) when he asked for drawing ideas and he liked the video I sent him, so I drew his character like that and later he cites that as a reason why he avoided me. When he literally acted exactly the same when it happened and kept talking to me as normal. He also didn't like that I took a screenshot of something that was extremely unfortunate. Like on Instagram there's "notes" which is a new feature that shows everyone's notes lined up. And sometimes they end up next to each other in a very unfortunate way. Basically I had posted his dog's name in all caps 4 times, and my friend had posted "I wanna get him pregnant." (Not intentionally.) And you can guess how that went. Like he took that the wrong way but he never said anything and he acted the same way for months! And it wasn't his autism, because I did clarify that it was a joke, and he has literally no reason to believe that because I have always been a very open advocate for victims of SA, women's rights, like I've never once been that type of person. I literally stood up for him so many times because people called him a creep, I've left so many friends bc they bullied others (one friend was even being blamed for r*pe threats!) and he still “believed” that, knowing that.
And to be perfectly clear- this is what he said to me: “I was just icked out, I never thought you actually meant any of it," also "You seem to have calmed down a bit, and now I can enjoy my time with you even more than before!" But at the same time he was like "I avoided you" "I didn't want to be friends with you" and just he didn't give off a "maybe I misunderstood" impression. He gave off a "my way or the highway impression." I don't have the screenshots anymore because I deleted our chat, but I remember having a panic attack and thinking about s**cide afterwards. Whatever he said, he made me feel like such an awful, disgusting person.
He also said he thought I was “on something.” (I kinda was)
I was really medicated at the time, (around a year ago??) My meds made me both extremely tired and impulsive (trazodone and prozac.)
And to top it all off, he constantly said stuff like "I'm not a good person" and like?? Why would you think that's okay unless it's self deprication, unless you are an awful person (as I've realized recently.)
Like whenever he makes an offensive joke, it’s always “It’s just a harmless joke! Don’t be so sensitive” and whenever someone else does, he either ghosts you, avoids you, gives no hint about what you've done, or he treats you like you’re the worst person in the world and he’s giving you God's grace by telling you what you did wrong. He also makes a lot of "I'm a god" "I'm an angel" type jokes. I thought it was sarcasm before but honestly after this?
The kinds of things I would do were heavily influenced by him and our mutual friend group's behavior. I copied what they did because I had little to no social experience due to bullying and isolation. I literally never had friends before I turned 17. Save for maybe one. (Who I also kept at a distance because I was s***dal and didn't want to hurt them when I followed through.)
And back to the most recent thing he did (which gave me a panic attack and landed me in a psych ward)
The way he approached me about the posts about narcissism I made to help him and others was so accusatory and passive aggressive. (This was after the "worst kind of narcissist joke) Then his friend texted the GC saying “(my name) check your dms” so another act of passive aggression. This friend was the main enabler who’s logic honestly makes no sense to me. She’s like, “it’s fine for him to make that joke, it’s not his job to come out about having narcissism if he doesn't want to, blah blah blah, diagnoses are hard to get.” Like genuinely wtf. Dropping the f slur in the closet is not okay just because you're secretly gay. Like don't make jokes about things you're not willing to be out about. Okay and even ignoring that, it's still so fcking offensive even if he is a narcissist because that’s like a pedfile joking about abusing children.
And the fact he just said “oh.” after I told him it was offensive. Not “I suspect I have npd” or “I'm sorry that was insensitive.” His response was so vague, a blatant lack of effort and empathy, and genuinely I don't think someone with NPD who actually is trying to change would do that.
Then his friend started following me! Not as an act of friendliness, as a social threat, clearly, as they’ve already established a pattern of passive aggression.
It was clear, that if I removed her as a follower or blocked her I would be the one that looked bad! The same way it would look if I said “huh, I haven’t gotten any dms from you” after she said “hey (my name), check your dms” bc I could have deleted it in requests. Then she could say I was a liar. I was starting to get triggered the second she began blindly defending and making excuses for (narcissist) in the groupchat.
She then began to stalk my story, and when she got to the post about how I wouldn’t be able to go to the convention with them (I didn’t say it, but I was so triggered that I was planning on going to the psych ward!) she sent me the skull and crossbones emoji, which, if you're older, is a laughing emoji to this generation. (Meaning dead from laughter.)
Because of the timing of the follow, I know that (narcissist) has been talking shit. Also because they’re best friends and that's what they do. So I know for a fact now, that his last text “right okay,” was sarcasm. And I block all of them.
One of our mutual friends, who I will call (Redacted) was someone I used to talk to almost daily! (Redacted) unfollows me on tiktok, so I block them too.
I block most associated with the group chat, because as far as I know they don't care about me, they've never texted me or spoken to me before, and they’ve almost always ignored my texts to the group chat anyways. They’re also (narcissist)’s friends, and never stood up for me when it came to his behavior in the GC, and were for the most part silent and praising of him.
Like, genuinely, I'm pretty sure (redacted) saw my private posts about my “I feel so unsafe, I want to die, I want to die.” And they still valued whatever (narcissist) said over me. All that talk about “Ily pooks” and shit was a lie.
For additional context (I know this is getting really long, I'm sorry, I just don’t want to leave any room for people victim-blaming me.)
I also struggle with depression-linked psychosis. Something I also fear he will use against me if I ever come out about his treatment of me publicly (but here we are.) My diagnosis doesn’t necessarily include "breaks from reality" and "not being able to tell what's real and what's not." Psychosis occurs in varying intensities. For me, it's mostly depressive hallucinations and I can tell that they aren't real. Many of my hallucinations are auditory and I have never allowed that to impact the way I viewed or treated others in real life, even if they said horrible things to me. They cause me anxiety but it is manageable for me.
It was steadily getting better for me before they decided to do this shit to me! Now I'm worse off than before, hallucinating daily, while he’s living the life of his dreams, and getting famous online.
He refuses to take accountability and that is a form of manipulation. It works for him. To act stupid and act like he can't empathize. He does it whenever he makes a mistake. He starts nitpicking someone else's behavior no matter the impact it has on others. My issue with them is not just what they did, it’s the fact that they want to socially threaten others into doing their bidding. Like, they didn’t have to bring the group chat into it. They didn’t have to be passive aggressive. They didn’t have to be so accusatory and it doesn’t matter if they have trust issues because honestly they were being a massive dick to someone who was always on their side from day one. (Not anymore!)
What happened to him was “I feel insecure because I think he’s calling me stupid.” So he basically called me an asshole, told me I was being rude, etc. etc. What happened to me though? I attempted twice. I don’t handle gaslighting well. That’s how I was abused. And I’m sick of people telling me it’s not his fault for taking advantage of my lack of self-worth, for taking advantage of someone who he knew to be vulnerable. I’m sick of hearing that I just need to “get therapy” and that I'm “equally as bad” or even that “I'm being overdramatic” etc. They made me relive my trauma from bullying to the point where I was hallucinating almost all-day every day, about them bullying me in the same ways I was bullied back then. I would constantly hear their voices making fun of me, bullying me, etc., or them planning to pull up at my house and attempt vandalism (another trauma that I have.) I have not stopped hallucinating him and his friends to this day. This impacts my ability to eat, sleep, and work. It’s literally torture. And I can hear him right now, saying “well, that's not my fault.” Like yes it is. Believe it or not you’re not entitled to treating your (ex) friends like shit just because you have NPD.
The really bad hallucinations started after everything was over. They don't impact my ability to recall events because again most of my hallucinations are auditory.
Honestly I'm just sick of this crap. If you made it this far, I really appreciate the time you’ve spent reading this.
I'm really tired of the victim blaming honestly

I'm suspected mainly for AxSpa but I have some peripheral involvement as well. I would generally consider it mild - a bit of pain and stiffness, only on a few occasions I had my finger joints red and swollen (and clearly small joints rather than dactilitis, although that happens too).
What worries me is that it feels like I'm losing some precision in my hands and fingers. At the beginning I noticed that only during flare ups and with very specific activities (like building Lego with my kids). But recently I have noticed that everyday I've had problems with using a computer mouse as previously as I used to, missing keyboard buttons or clicking then twice (and I've been a software developer for my whole life, I know how to use a mouse and a keyboard!). I don't have any other neurological symptoms and I've had a basic neurological exam recently and it didn't show any abnormalities (like reflexes and stuff).
Has anyone experienced this? Should I be worried? I'm still fighting for SpA diagnosis (we all know it really can be a fight). I dread thinking I'd have to now tell my doctor that something else is wrong with me. They already consider me a hypochondriac (cause you know, my blood tests are normal, which OBVIOUSLY mean that years of my working hip and back pain is anxiety; I just need to sleep more and eat better 😒).

Context: first time learning and practicing AP. As I feel this is the first time that I'm starting to connect with my mind since I've hit new lows and I'm starting to prepare for an ayahuasca ceremony in one month. I've been expeciencing teachings from within that I didn't believe possible before, in the form of thoughts or memories that appear out of nowhere to teach me different lessons.
The experience itself
Last night before sleep I started listening to the first Raduga's lesson and practiced the methods presented there. I expected nothing but relaxation since I saw it as a type of meditation.
It was around 12AM when I stopped to try to get some sleep and I set an alarm for 6AM. I felt that it was easy to fall asleep with this meditation since I felt so relaxed, but also felt that my intention to experience AP was strong since I always have trouble to get out of bed once I turn off the alarm, and didn't want to fall asleep after the alarm. The only alarms I had where 6AM and 9AM.
In the middle of the night I hear the alarm and I remember touching the phone to turn it off almost unconsciously like I always do, so I didn't pay attention to the time itself and started doing the meditation once again.
Took a brief time before, as I rotated my body to the left without moving any muscles, started to feel a shock of vibration or electricity, similar to when one expeciences paresthesia, but specially in the back of my head. Sadly, I stopped by reflex and out of fear, since it was pretty new to me and I couldn't concentrate or relax to do it again. This deprived me of sleep for about half an hour or more.
The weird part
After this experience I fell asleep again (no idea of the time). The alarm goes off again but I see barely any sun through the window to be 9AM (my second alaram). So when I look at the screen I see a big 6AM and I'm immediately confused. Even led me to question if I was having a lucid dream.
Conclusion
I'm inclined to think that my intention was so strong that my body woke up by itself, and turning off an alarm was part of a dream or something in between. Kind of when you're anxious to wake up for some event to happen when you're a kid, and your body gives you a shock of energy to jump out of bed. All in all it was an awesome experience.
TL;DR Experienced intense vibrations and confusion with alarms, questioning if it was a lucid dream, concluding strong intention may have caused the body to wake up dreaming about my alarm going off.
Thank you for reading, any insights or tips are appreciated!

Wow! This turned out so long and was helpful to write when I was feeling really really awful an hour ago. Here it goes:
I’ve been following this page and a few others once I saw information on video game addiction a few months ago. I saw my family and step-son in so many of the stories, my heart and mind was transformed. I don’t feel alone and my son is certainly not alone in his struggles. To be honest I’m scared to start this new journey, and I’ll get to that more later.
I always knew something was different about my step-son’s gaming, and it’s been a struggle since 2-3 years old based on what his Dad has told me. Here’s a bit of a background of our family dynamic.
Jake had Pete when he was 19 and never had a relationship with Mom, Kate. They split custody and it was evident she was using hard drugs and lost full custody of Pete when he was 9. A lot of his time with Mom was spent on an iPad without regulation as early as 2. Routines, locations, and security was not always present. It’s tough to think about the severity of what Pete experienced. At this time school was difficult, and Pete was diagnosed with ADHD. Meds helped a lot, and once Jake had full custody he was all about routine routine routine, healthy foods, activities, table top games nightly, camping, you name it! His passion for being a single Dad to Pete is why I ultimately fell in love with him two years later. When I started hanging out I noticed Pete playing a lot of games and not being the sporty type or hanging out with friends. By this point he was playing Minecraft after school and on the weekends pretty regularly. Jake was a good video game police officer and we still had a ton of time together as a new family. Pete is kind and very easy going and we started a great relationship fairly quickly. Jake and I agreed and often disagreed about the severity of Pete’s gaming, but we would come together and set some house rules and go on with life. As soon as we got busy, Pete would dive deep into computer games and grades would drop. We would see feces in his underwater, lack of hygiene, not getting up, laptop under his pillow, exc. Almost like clockwork by spring break, we’d have this intense struggle and Pete would pull it together for the semester at the very last minute. Pete is gifted and was always in accelerated math and science glasses, but was able to do the bare minimum without studying. Repeat for the next 3 years. Fast forward to High School he went to a smaller school in a new town and actually saw more independence. He made a friend, Dan who’s still around and is everything you’d hope a friend would be to your kid. Their bond is awesome. We’d still have to police but things were getting easier and we weren’t seeing those intense “downs” like we were in elementary and middle school. I think he was more confident and even his teachers said he was crushing it! The summer was tough and we tried to fill his time up but nothing seemed to interest him. If he hung out with friends and was hygienic we just made nudges about time limits. Thinking back I think there was one more period where we found feces in his underwater end of Senior year and gaming picked up, probably because we dropped our guard.
Summer before college I got him set up with an awesome outdoor job working on a zipline/climbing course and he thrived in Pete’s type of way. Climbing is one of the only things I can suggest to Pete and he’ll usually show some interest. Confident, peppy, excited, getting himself up. Always going back to games everyday but maintaining work, a friendship, and a little independence is what we wanted so left him alone most of the home time. We nudged him into a climbing retreat as an incoming freshman to give him a head start making friends, and a clear head going into the dorms! Scary fun times, and thought it would help. Then we officially dropped him off. Wow, so many smiles and happy tears had by all. The light in his eyes and showing us around and saying how cool he felt it was probably the happiest day of our lives along with my wedding day. The day I read vows to Pete saying I’d be there forever and unconditionally. It felt like my son was ready for his future. As we were driving away Pete said his friend gave him a gaming computer for free and he was at the tech center getting it hooked up to the campus internet. Dun dun dun.
Today he’s 2 weeks into his first summer break after a year of college. Yikes. Things are not great and that’s why I am here.
It was Spring Break (here comes the pattern) and Pete was gaming, not verbally making much sense, unhygienic, lost weight, gaming non stop. He almost missed his 2 hour bus ride back to school and that’s when we snapped. The typical what the hell is going on, you’re out of control. Pete usually cries when this happens because he knows the gig is up. Eventually he told us the truth, he failed two classes his first semester (told us winter break he did fine) and is now on track to fail another science and lab. WHAT!! We drove out there the next day to meet with the dean because he told us he was on probation and we wanted to support him. We were so worried. It turns out he hasn’t had any social interaction other than winter and spring break and spent his days alone in his dorm. He didn’t even seem like himself it was so scary. We get there and we spent two days walking, going out to eat, the typical “you got this buddy” “just stop playing games for a bit” and insert the other 100 life sayings you want to say to your kid that sound so annoying to them. We can’t help it. We love him. He was like yep I got this, nodded through all of it and we left. Three weeks later we noticed on the phone things were sounding off again, and he confessed he hasn’t made up any of his work. His Dad got disappointed on the phone and Pete said he called the suicide hotline because he was getting “yelled” at. I was standing there, he wasn’t yelling but I’m sure just the sheer reality of the situation got to him. We were heart broken, and at the same time angry. We couldn’t believe he was feeling this much anxiety and possibly depression. We always knew gaming was an escape and most likely due to his background, but this just seemed too much for anyone to handle. Again, he promised to limit himself. We checked in everyday for the last three weeks not with a nag but just, how’s it going. Did you set a timer today? Amazing that’s great you’re so close to being done!! Just trying to keep it super positive. We knew it was totally out of our control. He failed, and actually never made up the work his professor said he could over a month prior. He lied more.
We knew something had to change and we were preparing his return home. Can we do game quitter? Can we just put him right into a detox in our home? Family therapy? Healthy gamer? Olganon? We wanted to smash his computer trust me, if it weren’t for my job I wouldn’t have wifi because my stomach is in knots. But, we decided relationship first, let him set his own limits (with our house rules) and really try to get to the root cause of anxiety and depression. We had good convos, we let him tell us how it’s basically all of our fault because of the pressure, no judgement. We communicated with notes and texts sometimes when things were getting frustrating. He skirted around the 3 hour daily limit every possible way. All he wants to do is play video games, watch to tube of video games, talk to “friends” on discord about games, play D&D online, or draw D&D characters. It’s just too much, it’s impossible to limit. He always had an excuse for a screen and we were still seeing 10+ hours a day on screens. He told us he’s feeling crappier everyday by us, and honestly we’re feeling freakin awful and exhausted too.
What now? Nothing. I’m literally doing nothing anymore starting today. I can’t stop crying. He won’t do his own research into gaming addiction and does not want to change. Today we just said ya know what, this isn’t working so we’ll just figure something out in a few weeks. At this very moment he’s going on hour 9 of gaming straight. Knowing how much we tried as a family to limit this for the last few weeks. I’m still angry and it’s hard to look at him right now. It feels personal to me? I know it isn’t, but it just feels that way.
Therapy!? Yep. We tried. Back when he was in middle school and high school. Didn’t want to go back and didn’t talk much. He got his own therapist at school per the deans suggestion and he goes but the one session he’s had at home, he got off within 30 minutes and said “he didn’t have much to talk about with her” and he’ll see her maybe once a month back at school. We are doing healthy gamer coaching as parents, but he is refusing to sign up for coaching on his end. My guess is the name alone. The risk of losing games is not something he’d ever discuss right now. I swore up and down they won’t make him get rid of games lol! Did not work.
What’s dad doing? Half. Literally half at all times we make a plan at night and in the morning and check in with each other about it all day long. It’s so exhausting and Jake is just ready to do whatever it takes at this point as well. He’s having the same struggles as I am and is 100% convinced it’s an addiction and has listened to a lot of podcasts exc.
My new plan…. Because I have to have “something” or I might blow up. Now I have to let natural consequences take the lead. He doesn’t have a license, because he couldn’t pick up driving skills with how his brain is on games. We tried teaching him for two years and it was honestly dangerous sometimes after a “bender. He asked me to go tomorrow and after 9 hours I’m just going to say I’d feel more comfortable if he went to driving school and he can pay with the money he earns this summer. It j=is just not safe, why does he deserve to take my car and put me in an unsafe position? I don't have to allow that... but it feels like I am still the bad guy. Looking forward, IF he fails college....when he is home he cannot have our wifi, will contribute to groceries, phone bill, and rent. We live in a rural area and without a car he can’t work. I will not be driving a 20 year old to and from work due to his brain on games. It feels wrong. Maybe he can’t support his habit without working. That’s all the “what ifs” but rarely does life go exactly how you picture it. We will just continue to get creative and roll with it.
Does anyone have any advice on how to not enable but also let them be in charge of their own destiny? Not saying anything or giving him a sad look feels impossible but I did it tonight. J was able to pretend it did not bother me that he’s been on there forever. I think I can keep that up? But I also don’t want to enable him.
My family is hurting so much. So many hugs to anyone who struggled and is currently struggling. Same to the parents who have that knot that won’t go away. Thanks for reading