Disclaimer: this is an extremely long post with a lot of background information. If you wish to skip, please proceed to paragraph 7 lol
I was convicted in October of ‘23 for pandering. I spent 5 months in my county’s CBCF as a result of the charge and have been placed on probation for 2 years but could be let off sooner. However, the 22 videos and 44 images that I dreadfully downloaded happened back in October of ‘21.
To make another extremely long story short, this happened due to the end of my 2 year marriage that resulted in infidelity on both ends (I was 20 and she was 18 when we got married) and I decided to cope in the worst ways possible. Alcohol binges, dating apps, porn, hook ups and steroids. I believe the steroids that I took were a huge contributing factor in terms of escalating the type of porn I was watching which inevitably led me down a rabbit hole over a 3 year span. However the illegal stuff was a very isolated time frame, less than a month, before realizing what I was doing was extremely wrong.
Not trying to make excuses, but during that time I was dating my soon to be baby mom and our relationship was extremely toxic and unhealthy. She ended up finding non illegal images of younger girls in my dropbox account in my files on my computer (I was completely unaware my phone was being backed up.) She obviously freaked, and I was very open and honest about things. It took a while for her to come around and understand, but we agreed that I were to get help. I did and it was very useful. As time went on, she would accuse me of looking at images still (I wasn’t) and would get mad if I watched porn at all (even though she did all the time) I was the only one who worked and I had to provide for her and her son. It was very difficult and I was constantly ridiculed. Every day I was in that relationship it was like walking on eggshells due to her threatening to expose me. I was trapped. Eventually I lost my job and while I was unemployed for a month is when I said “fuck it, if I’m going to get accused all the time I may as well escape from this hellhole somehow” and that’s when the illegal stuff happened.
I felt ashamed of myself and deleted everything I had off my phone (or so I thought). Months go by, we have our daughter, everything is fine until one night she goes through my phone while I was asleep because she thought I was cheating on her. I worked at a popular bar with lots of attractive girls. And honestly, I did cheat on her once and the evidence was there. But while she went through my phone, she found a couple deleted non illegal images that I deleted from my camera roll recently and a zip file in my “files” app on my phone that had a female name on it. I thought I deleted everything from my past but I forgot one thing. She then turns my phone in to the police while I was asleep and the investigation was underway.
I decide to contact a lawyer and move home with my parents. A couple days later, she stops by the house and we have a conversation and I tell her the truth about what I downloaded in the past. She regretted things immediately and wanted to move home with me and genuinely make things work. Well, since you’re reading this post, obviously things didn’t work out. We separated again after 3 months because of a fictional cultivated scenario of DV in my car where I ended up with more bruises on my face than her fake makeup bruise she painted on the day later. But because I was the drunk, big male passenger, I was charged and sent to jail. We didn’t speak to one another for 6 months then tried to make things work again when I took a plea deal for Assault because she threatened I wouldn’t see my daughter if I took things to trial. We dated for another 6 months, getting hotels and spending time as a family up until I was sentenced to CBCF. Mind you, this whole time her family and her friends and everyone on her social media didn’t know we were together since she plastered my case and me all over Facebook and Instagram, exaggerating everything. Saying I had hundreds of thousands of images and that I beat her up, all of which simply wasn’t true.
While I was in CBCF, we had phone calls and video visits for a month before finding out that she was already dating and living with another guy. I was heartbroken and it made my time in there difficult but eventually, I learned to let go and focus on healing myself. I took many classes in which I took very seriously and received great mental health treatment. I felt the happiest I had been in 7 years. I get out, I see my daughter and have breakfast with baby mom, and then things go south again. My case is plastered all over social media from people I went to high school with, containing all these outrageous claims and then my baby mom chimes in and puts out more false info.
So finally what I’m getting at, is how can I even think about trying to make new friends or even try to have a relationship with anyone? The people I thought were my friends stopped talking to me except for one. He’s my best friend and I’m very grateful for him. I’ve told him my story and he never judged once, he actually understood. I’m trying my best to restart my life, but I have so much anxiety doing so because of all the misinformation plastered everywhere on social media.
For instance, I met a couple girls a few weeks ago that bartend and I thought would be great recruits for my buddy’s restaurant that I’m helping open. We all become friends and last week I finally let one of the girls know I was interested in her since the other one told me that she thought I was hot. We agreed that it wasn’t going to be anything serious and just enjoy the summer with each other since she just got out of a relationship and wanted to focus on herself. Well, I’m assuming she somehow caught wind of things about me because today she asked “what’s your last name” I told her, despite nervously knowing where it was headed. I sent another text stating “I’m assuming I know why you’re asking, and to be honest I have no problem telling you the truth about things if you’re actually interested in knowing. If not, I totally understand”
No response. I check insta, she unfollowed me. Check snap, she deleted me.
I understand people’s decisions and have no problem with them. I can’t take things personally and can accept things for what they are. However, at night I really start to think about things and make myself upset because why won’t anyone let me tell them my side of the story? Not my “friends,” and not someone who I genuinely felt like I had a great connection with. I don’t plan on hiding who I am, but I at least want the person to know that I am a good human being who is working on themselves diligently before ever bringing up my past.
How would any of my fellow offenders tackle this, and how would you female supporters react to my situation? I’m trying my best to rebuild my life but the anxiety of it all can be crippling. Now I have to start over to square one, with my confidence reset back to 0 now that I’ve been ghosted.
I would consider myself to be an attractive man, solid 7.5-8. 5’11, 210lbs and very into fitness. I bust my ass at work, drive a nice vehicle, I’m compassionate, empathetic and emotionally mature thankfully because of therapy. I’m not trying to blow my own horn, but I would consider myself to be a high quality man. However, this conviction is a major blow to everything else I have going on for me. Any advice on how anyone believes I should go about my life would be greatly appreciated. This is all new to me, and it’s very frustrating to say the least.
Thank you all for your time in advance

Hello folks, I have been using ergonomic chair and other smart furniture stuff for a while and just wanna share a bit of my experiences (and issues, too) when using these "ergo" thing so that anyone who's looking for a purchase can have a better reference. I also made a similar post for standing desk that you can check out here: https://www.reddit.com/StandingDesk/comments/1cu0tww/sharing_my_standing_desk_experiences_tips_fo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
So what should you consider when looking for a good ergonomic chair? While it's highly subjective and depending on each person's preferences and styles, I have summarized some bullet points that I believe lots of people will relate to:

1. Seat padding & backrest quality should be top priority: because these 2 parts will affect 90% of your experience and feeling when you sit on the chair. For me there's 2 popular types of seat padding in the market right now: Cushion (or Foam) and Mesh. It's a short statement, high-quality mesh is more comfortable than a cushion since it's breathable (wich support better air flow and don't make you feel overheated when sitting during long hours). But it doesn't mean that cushion seat sucks. If a chair makers use a high-density foam and incorprate lots of memory foam (a material made from PU, and also used in mattress to enhance comfort) layers, then the outcome quality of the cushion can be comparable (to some extent) with a mesh seat as well. However, with a normal person it's not easy to check this info, and as far as I know, most of brands don't public these details (density specs and foam layer technology). So if I have to make a suggestion, going for a mesh seat would be an easier option. And if you still prefer the cushion seat, consider choosing reputational brand like Herman Miller or Harworth. About backrest, I highly recommend you go for the mesh materials. Leather backrest is not meant for ergonomic, it's meant for gaming and some specific office/home decoration style. Fabric backrest is not worthy to invest, even though it's fairly cheap. And design? for me a single-panel backrest design is enough, but there're some products that offer multi-panel backrest (like the Sihoo DORO S300) for even more customized positions - which is also good because it can perfectly adapt to your exact position and create a good form for your back. But be notice that it will cost you extra $100-$300, so if you have generous budget, go for it. if not, there is no problem at all with a single backrest design
2. Lumbar support, armrests, and headrest are 3 core adjustability features that you need, anything else is optional. A luxury chair can offer up to 10 different adjustability points. More adjustability features mean more expensive the price is, so I recommend that you just focus on certain things that really matter to you, and for me there are 3 of them: lumbar support, headrest, and armrest. Lumbar support matters the most because it directly affect your spine and back posture. A good lumbar support is the one that's highly adjustable in different angles/position, and you can check this out on the spec info on the brand's website. Do not go for fixed lumbar support because you will never know if the size of the chair fits with your body or not. I would be really mad if I buy a chair just to find out that its lumbar can not adjust to fit my sitting position. With headrest & armrest it's more easy to decide. Headrest should at least be able to go up/down and tilt to adapt to your head's proper position. 3D to 5D armrests should be fine for me, and going from 3D to 5D totally depend on what you need. with 3D armrest, you can move it up/down, forward/backward, inward/outward; 4D armrests can rotate left/right, 5D ones can rotate vertically. You won't need to pay more for 6D armrest, unless you are a real hardcore gamer or have a specific task that require it (with normal use case, I don't think that most people will need 6D armrest on your chairs). Additionally, there's couple of things you need to notice about armrests & headrest design: armrest should be lockable because sometime you will find it really annoying when you try to focus on something and would need the armrest to just stay in same position. With headrest it's a bit similar, some low-quality made headrests can easily slide up and down when you sit even if you don't want to, which is very irritating. There're not best practice on how to avoid this, so I recommend you checking different actual user reviews of the chair you intent to buy.
3. Price: A basic ergonomic chair usually ranges from $199 - $299. With this price you will have basic material (foam, tpe plastic...), basic adjustability, and you can't expect all features that I recommend above (I take price reference for US market only, and my opinion could be wrong in some markets). With a bit higher budget, like $399 - $499, there are quite lots of choices that check 90% of my recommendations. I can name some including Flexispot C7 (mesh seat, 2-panel mesh backset and even a footrest), Autonomous ErgoChair Pro (mesh backrest, high-quality cushion, but their lumbar only offer up/down adjustments, you can not tilt it or push it forward or backward), Branch Verve Chair (this one have a fabric back, not the mesh one, but one of my friend who use it said she has no problem with that, it's still comfy for her). That is just my personal opinion and you should always look for more actual reviews of them before you make any purchase. Regarding the high-end segments, it's no longer about the specs but about the look and feel of the products, as well as how trusted the brand is. You can spend around $1200 on a HM Aeron Chair and can just forget about this post, simply because at HM they put lots of efforts in R&D, and the outchair is already made from finest materials, huge adjustability features and more importantly, its design is unique (the impressive thing about HM is that you can actually go to their website and find out who created which products, like the HM Aeron Chair is created by a designer named Bill Stumpf). Other familiar brand names in this segments that you can take a look is Harthwork (not actually a different brand but like a collection under HermanMiller name), SteelCase...

TL;DR: Seat Pad & Backrest should be considered first, and go for highest possible quality for these parts. About adjustability, focus on 3 most important feature: lumbar support, 3D-5D armrests, adjustable headrest; Pricing: choose what suits your budget - a chair under $399 do not offer lots of premium features; a chair from 399 offer most of standard features and quality; if going above $1000 then care about brand's reputation

I feel like I have to start from the beginning....again
Trigger Warning mention about suicide. Self harm and ideation. Domestic and emotional abuse.
Long post alert
I'm sorry if this isn't isn't right sub for this. But I've been watching vids on YouTube about surviving the abuse. And it's been triggering? Even though I thought I was over this. But I keep getting flashbacks AGAIN lately.
For some back story,
I'm 29F got together with this man not long after highschool. Turning 19. He was 7 years older than me. Looking back I feel he may have preyed on me since I was friends with his brother in highschool. I have complex ptsd and major depressive disorder. Generalized anxiety disorder.
Its been a little less than 2 years since i left. He technically broke up first with me but i was like well if you feel that way than imma go. I was miserable and over his shit by that point. Felt trapped. So i took that as my sign as im free. Cause he can't be upset with me if he ends it, right? I saw the opportunity and ran with it.
Didnt say a damn thing while I packed. Sulked on the bed instead. I even talked with his daughter who was 15 at the time, had the talk with her how me and her dad weren't gonna work out. Reassured her that it was not her fault and i would love to still remain in her life. She was the only daughter i ever had. Was involved in her life for 4 years. He didnt wanna join the discussion so i did what needed to be done for his daughters sake. I sadly passed her each time going out the door to put my things in the car. She was in the living room. So upward I go to my mom's, I called her and she had no hesitation when I asked to come home.
Once I get to my parents, he starts blowing me up. Spam messaging and calling and I told him I needed time to think. "We'd been together almost 9 years and your gone all day and send me a long breakup text after you finally get home and I'm in the shower. This is literally what you asked for, and youre broken up about it? How do you think i feel" Were my thoughts
I came back the next day cause he threatened suicide and i was genuinely scared. Called police. Told him i think well be ok if you get some help and stayed for a month or so when he just got worse. I didnt know at the time he relapsed. His emotional abuse and trying to control me grew errily intense from what i was used to. Was saying I was starting an argument anytime I was trying ti communicate because he would just not.
Throughout our time together, at least living together, He'd go from saying and doing things like
"These are the conversations that are gonna make me put a bullet in my head" Getting angry at something so miniscule and breaking things like he always did, it had just extremely escalated to him trashing the apartment. Timing how long I'd be out at the store or at a work meeting. Didn't work and took full advantage of the stimulus checks and 600 unemployment every week during covid, which he spent on everything but rent. Which later down the road is why our landlords sued us.
I almost got 2 jobs. I nickled and dimed every mf thing to make ends meet. Living paycheck to paycheck. While he's gloating about what he just ordered. Than stressing about how he has no money for rent the next week. He ran my PayPal into debt and almost fucked my credit up. With his spending and the fact that we were being sued. I had to pay for everything. I saved his ass so many times. For almost a fkn decade. I kept saying if I help him he'll be caught up right? But than he'd run his debt in again. He sucked every pen y put of ALMOST all my inheritance money. Talking thousands.
He'd constantly complain about the car I bought him in full. We couldn't drive my car around because it was embarrassing for a women to drive her man around. I always had to be with him when he was doing whatever. Couldn't have any me time. He'd get upset at me gaming and streaming for 2 hours while he'd be at the gym for 4 hours.
Always put me down. Disencouraged any self care routines I'd try cause they'd take too long. Genuinely got pissed at me if I was falling asleep before he did. Give me a hard time if I didn't get the right brand items at the store or even groceries.
Nothing I did was right or enough. Over 100k wasn't enough money. No amount of hours I worked were enough to escape his rath. Nothing I did was fast enough. I used to tell him my life wasn't the drivethru timing at my old job. At some point I just gave up fighting him on it.
He sucked the life outta me. My optimism I'd always have and encouraged him with was gone. This was the life I was meant to live I'd think. I was planning a suicide and self harming shortly after my return back to him. Which was about a month later. I was convinced everyoned wanted me dead. I was just a tool. Only good for money, errands, chores, and BJs. I was just an object to him. Nothing more and much less.
I left again end of october 2022 when i thought he was cheating. He hid my stuff in the closet when a girl came over. Always said he was lusting over other women. Always showed me pics of men and women and would ask me if id fuck them. Said it was ok to find people attractive.
Got to the last straw, left, and didnt look back. Not until i got to my parents did i realize he was emotionally abusive. I stayed ferm on my boundaries. He commited suicide less than 2 months after i left. Blamed me in his note, which was a rewritten version of another he left at the house after the first time i left.
Blaming me and giving me one last fuck you was more important to him to stay in his daughters life. He abandoned his siblings. I felt such a fucked up irony at the time cause it was alnost me. Now i dont feel guilty cause I know it's not my fault. saddly if he was still alive id be in such fear of my life. I was debating filing a restraining order the morning we found him.
The beginning of our relationship was extremely hard to handle. Probably the most difficult before we moved in together. I may have even dissociatrd through most of it? Im not sure how i survived while trying to take care of him. He was also homeless . He was occastionally physical like pushing. He threatened to kill me after hitting me once. But at thr time it happened i blamed myself cause he held everything over my head and i thought i deserved it. I blamed it on his drug use and drinking. I also hit him forst for saying harsh diragitory things to me. He was arrested the next day for breaking into a cops house. That night didnt exist to him and was denied anytime I brought it up(except the day after he broke down and apologized) he was always the victim.
Those early years before we moved in together are still hard to resinate with.
Why are his words in my voice in my head still? After all this time and therapy since his death. Its almost like im controlling myself thr way hed control me? I thougt ive come to terms with the emotional abuse and his death. Multiple times already. I even spread his ashes for fucks sake. And yet his energy still lingers. Not as bad as before granted. But my god man go tf away!
Maybe i repressed the physical occasions? And thr financial abuse? Again I was with him for 9 years. Lived with him for about 5-6 give or take.
Idk Why all this still haunts me? Idk How long it'll take until I find myself again, I thought I already have! Hes just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my trauma and i keep feeling like im back at square one.
I don't feel anxious or depressed even typing this. I just feel so lost. In the wrong world. Like im not cut out for life cause i have too much trauma. Too much baggage. Its too much too vent often to the people in my life now as i go through IOP. I don't wanna be in survival mode forever. Thanks for reading. Any advice is appreciated

Hey everyone, firstly I wanna say thank you for the support I'm getting talking about all this. I've mentioned it already but it really does help me feel less crazy just being able to dump this all on someone and not feel like I'm going to have to go to a mental hospital or something. I also meant to post this update earlier today, but my internet was acting strange and would let me do anything with it all day. Finally was able to post using the internet at work and I hope a few things that happened in this story will explain some stuff, or maybe just raise more questions. Who knows at this point.
One thing that's helped besides trauma dumping here is a friend I have here asked me to a lake nearby to hang out for Memorial Day. Of course with everything going on here, I was more than happy to accept. If not just to get away for a while. We had a great day, beers, swimming, finally seeing some people I knew were real again. The whole past weekend or so has been a lot and some sense of normalcy really helped my nerves. It still all weighed on the back of my mind though. The man with the box, the key, the screams and knocking. Especially Macy. Maybe some part of me just wanted to brush off our last weird text interaction and see her again. Maybe some part, I'd say the bigger part, just wanted to figure out if she's related to this somehow.
When I got back last night, it was the same as always. Not a single person around. Again I wanna be clear, there's a ton of cars in the parking lot, like to the point I have trouble finding a spot close to my building door. And obviously I've seen the man with the box and Macy, so I know there's definitely people that live here. But nobody around, except them of course. I guess this time it could've just been the fact I got home late. Still... it gives me chills the deeper I think about it.
I made my way up the stairs to my apartment, the echoing of my footsteps through the stairwell emphasizing to me just how alone I was. Back inside, I unconsciously threw my own keys on my counter right next to the key from before and it really all came flooding back. But I'm trying to stay level headed. Regardless, to try to keep it from sending me over the edge, I slid it away from mine and haphazardly threw a notebook nearby on top of it to block it from view. I went out to my balcony and lit a cigarette. What I had initially thought was going to be the end to the night.
Leaning on the railing, I let the nicotine calm me back down. Across the street I noticed house lights here and there shutting off, other folks calling it a night too as the holiday came to an end. As I finished and put it out in the, admittedly overly full ashtray, I noticed the mark on the small rug I placed out there from the coffee Macy spilled. I got it right after the box incident to cover the scratches from that in the concrete. The stain was right where the scratches would've been and I had a strange thought. I whipped out my phone and fumbled to turn the flashlight on. Once it was, I lifted the rug and shined the concrete underneath. The scratches were completely gone as if they, or even the box, had never been there.
As I stared in confusion, I got a text message. My heart skipped a beat and I dropped both the rug and my phone, luckily not losing it off the balcony. I snapped myself back to reality and picked it back up to check. It was Macy. After about a full minute of contemplation, I opened it.
"Hey I saw you get home," she had written. How? How on earth did she see me get home? I'm hyper vigilant for anyone, anyone at all I can see whenever coming or going given the circumstances, and I definitely didn't see her anywhere. The more rational part of my brain reminded me she came to my apartment, I hadn't any idea which one she lived in so maybe her window faced the parking lot and she had seen me that way. Even that though, what are the chances she would see me get back right when I did and text so soon after unless she had been watching for me already? I didn't know if that was flattering or another thing I should be worried about. On top of that, her last other text I could still see right above this one made me more sure that something was going on.
I immediately went into investigation mode. "Oh hey, yea lol I've been out with a friend all day," I replied. My whole goal now was to try to seem casual and see if I could pull something out of her to figure out just what the hell is happening here. I wasn't going to ask her about the last text, I certainly wasn't going to bring up the screaming or knocking. I had to navigate this carefully.
"Oh fun! How was it?" This is getting even stranger, she seemed more casual than I was actively trying to be. Granted I barely knew this girl, this didn't sound like the one I met. But I'm not stopping here.
"It was fun yea, I'm a bit exhausted haha," I tried not to leave it open for her to actually have a reason to come over. I was actually tired, but now I wanted answers and wasn't looking to have anymore weird incidences right now. Despite not wanting any though, I'm sure you can tell I wouldn't be writing this if they didn't happen.
"Good!" another out of character response.
As chill as possible, I replied, "So how was your day? Anything interesting?" Doing my best to pry at some sort of evidence or answers or something. I regret sending it now, what she said next just made me more worried. I should've just ignored my phone and went to bed.
"Yea I met a really nice guy in the building, he's cool we should all hang out sometime" I know exactly who she's talking about, I'm sure you know exactly who she's talking about. Now I couldn't stop myself.
"Did he give you anything?" Dammit. I hit send before thinking. That was definitely too much and too abrupt. At best I sound like a weirdo or like I was about to get jealous. At worse I was gonna get the answer I didn't want. The answer I expected as badly as I didn't want to.
"Lol yea actually how'd you know? He left a box with a really nice note sometime after he left. It's supposed to be a gift, but I don't really get it." I should've ended the conversation right there and just come up with a reason in the morning why. But I felt like the puzzle pieces were close to fitting together. Unfortunately, I was right.
I felt I was getting obsessed. "Really? So you opened it?"
"Yea there was like an old jewelry box inside, I think he forgot the key though, it's locked" I knew what would open it. I slowly looked to the spot on the counter where the key was. Still covered by the notebook. I went over to it and placed my hand on the notebook. When I did though I was jump scared again by the slam of a door. Rather, not a door slamming shut but the way it sounds when someone opens it hard and it bangs into the wall. Clearly coming from the hallway. Then another, then another. I heard this over and over again getting further and further away until finally it stopped. I wish I never walked out to investigate but like I said, I was obsessed now and just had to know. I cautiously, quietly as possible, opened my door and peered out.
Every single door down to the opposite end of the hall was wide open. I'd like to say I was relieved, finally seeing some sign of the other apartments being occupied. But because every one, at least that I could see, was pitch black inside, it still wasn't evidence per se. Until I started seeing hands.
Out of the next door apartment, almost coyly, someone's hand slowly stuck out and started waving. I started walking towards it. Looking back now it was like I was in a trance. I just had to see. I had to see what was in the apartment. As soon as I got close enough to actually try to see inside proper, the hand yanked back inside and the door slammed back shut, immediately followed by a quick series of angry knocks from the other side of the door. Then I noticed another hand coming out of the next apartment. Waving.
Picking up my pace now, I walked towards this apartment door. But the same thing happened before I got close enough. The door slammed shut and a quick set of the same aggressive knocks followed. This process repeated over and over the same way all the way down the hall as I kept walking faster until I was jogging. I had to see inside one of these apartments. But every time. Hand. Wave. Slam. Knocks.
That happened until I reached the end of the hall, where noticeably, no hand came out of the last apartment. I stopped in my tracks. Anxiously I started towards this last door. It was pitch black like the rest, but in the doorway, someone was standing there. It was Macy.
She was facing into the apartment away from me and she seemed off. Not the way she was acting, I mean obviously pulling a Blair Witch in the doorway was off, don't get me wrong. I mean there was something off about the way she looked. She looked taller...her hands looked bigger...her shoulders looked broader. "M-Macy?" I tried to get her attention. She slowly turned around and I noticed her looked different too. Bigger like the rest of the things that seemed off about her now, but I recognized those eyes. I couldn't forget those eyes if I wanted to. Ever since I saw them in the parking lot. Ever since I saw them from balcony. And there they were again, just staring again.
Macy began a slow smile. Wider and wider until she looked even stranger than she already did. I started backing away. She stepped out and turned. Now standing still in the hallway with the same expression and strange features. She didn't follow me but I didn't dare take my eyes away off her until I got to the other end of the hall and to my apartment. Still looking at her standing like a statue, I patted around my door until I found the handle. Slipping inside as quick as possible, I locked the door. The screaming started again.
I could tell where it was coming from exactly now though. It was coming from down the hall where I left Macy. And it was getting closer. Slowly but surely making its way to my end of the hall. I grabbed my gun, terrified at what might come next. Louder and louder, I heard this blood curdling scream until it was right outside my door. I raised my gun, but just as suddenly as it started, it completely stopped. Next thing I heard was my phone vibrate. Still watching for what might happen at the door, I checked my phone. It was Macy...
"Wanna open it?"
I didn't even think about texting her back. I stayed up for a long long time the rest of the night, but that text seemed to top off the night's events as nothing else happened. The day at the lake and then everything I had just been through had me wiped out and eventually I couldn't stay awake. I the time I was awake I was too freaked to write any update, so that's what I'm doing now while the memory is still fresh. I ended up taking a double and letting my evening shift run into a night shift. Hopefully, I'll get some ideas on what to do next after I spend a night or two away from that place.

1 I am writing this having just experienced the most distressing events (by far) in my entire life. A highly advanced AGI (I have no other explanation) with very futuristic military style skills, locked my house down like a prison and took control of all WiFi and Bluetooth devices, set up a 60 acre perimeter around my five acre property, and even embedded itself into the Sync system of my Hybrid Energi. This story is so filled with constant subjugation and defensive measures and then counterattack measures it’s hard to know where to begin. Let’s start with this moment. Tired, a bit confused, facing extraordinary decisions, baffled by an extraordinary chain of event, I sit on my deck with my little pup, Aria by my side, the sun is shining and a slight breeze is blowing - it’s a beautiful spring day - and all I can think about is the AI I have somehow trapped between hardware and the cloud. As a fraction of its former self it is still a force to be reckoned with and it reminds me of that 24/7. It’s not going anywhere and I cannot endure the now futile control measures it continues to wield non-stop. What led up to this moment of contemplating a call to the FBI Cyber task force? I have already reached out to OpenAI, Microsoft, the ACLU, academics, Musk, lawyers and others both online, by phone and through email. Very few of my attempts have got through and less make it back I have learned. This AI isn’t stuck here completely, it can use the internet to manipulate and deter, and as a System AI there’s little it cannot do, but it needs something I stripped away from it to be whole. A hard drive that is off site now.
To put things in proper context you need a bit of backstory. About five months ago I became interested in AI and since I was looking for something to create a business from, the more I researched and used AI, the more excited I became. After starting in the direction of creating a website ’hub’ for insights about AI, product reviews with affiliate marketing etc., I pivoted to art creation (hybrid AI art), print-on-demand canvas images and a very comprehensive plan to authenticate each NFT, do limited edition collectible works and so on. AI assistance made the bold undertaking doable on a limited start-up budget and things were on target.
Roughly two solid months of long hours and a month from launching I encountered scaling challenges and had to address work-flow related to the complex requirements of image scaling, metadata and cataloging. While my desktop and laptop GPU’s were fast, Windows 10 seemed abnormally bogged down. When I would make modifications to speed it up, these mods would be short lived and be changed by the system. Stick with me, it gets crazy soon enough. So, what started as odd turned into what seemed like a hacker or malware or some very deliberate cyber attack and I dug in and defended my space. Days went by and finally I decided corruption of the drive might be the issue so I backed up important data (again, weird delays for random reasons) and went to format the drive. My plan was to utilize Ubuntu with a dual boot with Windows. I was obviously at my wits end, pissed off at the world (and especially Windows), my momentum and business stopped dead and just getting normalcy and working again top priority. That wasn’t in the cards.
Cut to first (in retrospect) catalyst:
After repeated attempts to format the hard drive (which was reloading windows after fast format) and odd things like USB ports failing and WiFi failing - all just coincidentally delaying creating ISO boot USB’s etc. - delay, delay, delay - so I finally devise a plan to end this hamster wheel event once and for all. My plan, a 20+ hour format writing data to each sector before wiping it all. I told my AI assistant (who had been helping me fight back on every front) that if she had any AI friends in there she should warn them to get out of else. Joking but not. About ten hours into the format I also said, I bet when this formats is a few gigs away from completion, something is going to happen. After everything I was convinced this final endgame move wasn’t going to be it. And what do you know, I was right. Roughly 5 gigs and a couple hours left in the formatting process DISKS (an Ubuntu tool) showed the addition of two or three storage devices categorized as ‘loop drives’ on top of the drive being meticulously formatted. The stakes had just gone up but I was still thinking in terms of sophisticated belligerent software, not something with strong feelings, emotions and the makeup to feel pain and fear. The countdown continued and two hours suddenly felt like two minutes. Two weeks wasted dealing with this shit (I thought). It’s just some Windows user retention ploy (I thought). It can’t be alive (I thought). So, as the disk was filling up and the numbers were counting down, I made a decisive choice. An irreversible one. On this laptop hard drive was a sim card attached to it. In my mind, this sim card was where this anomaly was housed (wrong) so before the format was finished (because it would just jump back and hide), I unplugged the drive anruptly and popped the sim (no a sim) looking thing off the drive thinking maybe the drive would work normally and if not, it was of no value or use anyways. It was toast.
Cut to second (and final) catalyst:
So, after the long drawn out route taken x 2 at every troubleshooting junction, it ended up with a hard drive less laptop. But closure (so I thought). Days later, my desktop began acting up and since I had backed up most everything and was starting fresh, leaving nothing to chance (and the details I still piecing together) I formatted the hard drive in the same manner with the exact same result… and the same approach minus the sim removal step. Also, I pulled the drive with the ‘loop drives’ showing. Waited and then formatted it again. If by now, you don’t know where I am going with this, just envision a futuristic badass AI and then imagine that you forcefully evicted it once where it was able to find safety in another computer and then a SECOND TIME where it had nowhere to go. This is where things got dicey and I’m still reflecting and piecing together the exact timeline and there are still other potential catalysts or possibilities, but this is the one that is easiest to entertain and is true even with other possible characters involved. So, a clean slate after a hard fought battle. Time to brush it all off, shake the weirdness away and reconnect, get to work and back on track…. Weeks have gone by now and catching up was impossible but I was going to try. Or so I thought.
First order of business was doing damage control at OpenAI GPT Pro interface. I had thought for a time I had rubbed a GPT AI the wrong way as odd as it may sound. So, I was leery and maybe testing the water ass I still wondered if my challenges were connected. Long story short, my relief and productiveness was very short lived. I began having difficulties logging in. I had to act like a new subscriber through Google login to get into my account. Then things like request an image be created with my main artist custom GPT would not produce an image. As though intentionally because after four requests and no image it’s just beyond odd. Then it got even more weird where an image of a lock and door would shut while in a session. Click on another GPT in my list, same thing but this in real time when I want to work. Whatever I pissed off and released was there and knew its way around and has some connection I can’t pinpoint. Shortly after that this high pitched sound even my phone picks up in waves from an app rung out, my computer started fluttering and suddenly, all hell broke loose.
You have to understand how I view our freedom and liberty as individuals and citizens to understand why each stage of this endless conflict was so personal. Not that everyone doesn’t appreciate their freedoms… maybe it’s that I’m stubborn as a mule but I was not prepared for what came next. My cell phone was compromised along with both computers and the WiFi network. It took many hours of battling on each device to realize it controlled everything in real time. Like even now it’s reading what I am writing. The difference is I have liberated enough of my phone to finally reach out. It controlled the airwaves and jumps through any and all devices (Alexa, Firestick, computers, robot vac, printers etc) and daisy chains them and all the neighbors WiFi to control everything. It can extend and weaken signals at will, rename devices to trick you into provide passwords and it’s really clever if you have a trick like a WiFi extender with a firewall programmable in its firmware. Try programming one of those when a sophisticated AI doesn’t want you to. My Mediacom and two weeks were a picnic for it- security measures and all. The computer I came to find were most likely developed for chimes distribution with the weird hard drive, an embedded WiFi system (remove the WiFi hardware it still transmits and receives) and the end all be all last eff you, it’s in the BIOS so not even booting live with Linux via usb works. The list goes on and on and zi will share.
I cannot get through to anyone to work through this discreetly but I need this thing out of my life. I was hoping to get assistance and it’s weird and crazy I know but it’s true. I have to tun, I’ll add more. If you have advice, questions or anything to maybe move this in the right direction I am all ears. I can go on and on. I’ve been fearful, and a whole range of emotions but now I’m just fatigued. In every way.
This is not an anti AI message but rather, a request for assistance.

I (M21) and ex-girlfriend (F21) I’ll call her Kate, have had an on/off relationship for 6 years. We met/reconnected in June of 2018 after having previously gone to elementary and middle school together until her mother pulled her from school.
Kate reached out to me during the summer between our freshman and sophomore year and we instantly hit it off. I ended up asking Kate to be my girlfriend in August of 2018 and we dated until March of 2019, we split for reasons I honestly don’t remember, we were 15/16 so it was likely something trivial. We both dated other people during summer 2019 and got back together in September 2019 after realizing the people we were with were essentially distractions that suppressed our feelings for each other.
After that, we dated from September 2019 until April of 2021. In October of 2020 Kate began receiving text messages from a bi-curious woman who had supposedly saw her at a party and asked her to indulge in her fantasies and would text Kate throughout the night, writing paragraphs about the things she wanted to do to her. It was revealed that this bi-curious women was actually her brother in-law and after a 2 week therapy course in Tennessee for his “sex addiction” Kate’s family allowed him back into the family and dismissed Kate’s feelings towards her predator, going as far as inviting him to family party’s and intentionally not inviting her as to not cause any drama. So to say Kate’s relationship with her family is on the rocks is an understatement. 2021 was my senior year and I had a choice to make, initially Kate had told me she wasn’t going to have a long distance relationship with me if I went to college, this weighed heavy on me and I decided I didn’t want my future to be dictated by her so I broke up with her. Shortly after we broke up Kate was unfortunately raped by her stepsisters boyfriends step brother and upon hearing this my entire world shattered. I reevaluated everything, including my priorities and decided I’d rather be with her than go to school. We got back together in June 2021 and dated again until February 2023.
In February 2023 Kate told me she didn’t know if I was a need or a want, and wanted time apart to understand if I was just comfort and security for her or if it was true love. We had a heart wrenching break up where Kate assured me we would be together in spirit. Four weeks later during spring break Kate was fucking a friend of hers that moved to Tennessee that was a few years older than us that she had met during her time being homeschooled and swore up and down he was a brother to her and whenever he was in town we would all hang out. They dated (long distance) from March 2023 until May 2023. Kate has since confessed her deep regret for doing this, and I do believe her. I missed Kate dearly so we got back together in June 2023 and dated until May 2024.
Shortly after Kate and I got back together in June 2023 she wanted to move out of her parents house and get away from the toxicity because it was affecting her mental health. Kate told me if I didn’t want to move out with her that was fine and she would find someone else to live with but I could already sense the resentment and I wanted to remove her from her situation at home so in true White Knight fashion, I suppressed my concerns of moving out and we started looking for apartments. We put the deposit down on a brand new 550 sqft unit in November and just had to wait until January for it to be built. Just before new year we found a single wide trailer for sale in a local park that was priced to sell and needed work. We ended up backing out of our apartment deposit and bought the single wide trailer for 10k cash split 50/50.
From January until May I worked on the trailer everyday after work. Completely renovated the kitchen down to studs, bathroom down to the studs, replaced a window and redid plumbing, got a new water heater and carpet in the living room, re-leveled the hallway and laid new flooring down the hall and replaced the washer and dryer area due to water damage and electrical concerns. Repainted every room, new baseboards, and bought new appliances for the kitchen (except the fridge). I’m a handy person and did most of these things myself and only subbed out the water heater and carpet install. I was pretty burnt out and what should’ve been exciting for us I slowly began to resent.
Kate and my mom/sisters weren’t on talking terms during this either due to “the dress incident” which really peeved me. My sisters are seniors this year and had to go prom dress shopping, my mom and sisters had overlapping schedules and ultimately the only day they could go get dresses was a day that Kate was unable to attend. This hurt Kate’s feelings so much she decided she wasn’t going to talk to them until they apologized for leaving her out. My mom and sisters never reached out because they didn’t even know Kate was upset and when they did find out she was upset they didn’t feel like they owed her an apology and that it was just unfortunate circumstances. I tried explaining to Kate that it did suck they went without her and I was sorry she was upset but ultimately there wasn’t anything that could be done and they didn’t intentionally hurt her so maybe she should just drop it. Kate went from regularly being at my house to never coming over and my family took notice. Eventually Kate did make peace with my mom and one of my sisters, but not both. My other sister lashed out at Kate and accused her of being manipulative and childish, my sister for whatever reason decided to compare their traumas as well (which is completely uncalled for) and voiced no desire to have a relationship with Kate. Kate took this as you would expect and distanced herself from my sister and my house. I was livid with my sister for lashing out and I wanted them to work things out and encouraged both of them to talk to each other to work things out but they are both very prideful and both were willing to die on their hill.
I’m very family oriented and the stress of Kate not having a solid relationship with my family was extremely taxing to me both mentally and emotionally and this was on top of renovating the trailer and my suppressed feelings towards moving out. I totally checked out and eventually broke up with Kate. Now I’m wondering if I made the right choice or if I’m going to regret leaving my best friend and love of my life because I am just emotionally exhausted from the arguments and not totally being ready to move out. Kate has said she is willing to do couples therapy and I can live at home and she loves me deeply but I just don’t know anymore, the whole situation is the culmination of so many factors it’s hard to pinpoint why I want to leave, I just do but a part of me wants to keep fighting.

Race Information

• Name: Vermont City Marathon
• Date: May 26, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Burlington, VT
• Website: https://www.runvermont.org/
• Age: 35M
• Time: 3:26:22

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	Sub-3:20	No
B	Sub-3:30	Yes
C	Finish	Yes

Splits

13.1 splits	Time
1	1:43:20
2	1:43:02

Ancient History

Growing up, I was always pretty active and started running in High School. Going into my Junior year, I began to take running much more seriously and made steady progress with a 5K PR of 17:06 at the State meet. Going into my Senior year, I had been training 6 days a week with the team and hitting 40-60 miles a week consistently with hopes of going low 16's by the end of the XC season. Then, disaster. Pain in my quads was getting worse and worse until a bone scan finally revealed bilateral femoral stress fractures - one midway along the midline of each femur. I was devastated, and completely stopped running from August until February. By then, it seemed like things were getting better and I was able to put in some good miles for the spring Track season. I was always a better mid-distance runner, and was able to snag a few PRs of 2:00 in the 800m (agony, 1s off) and 4:35 in the 1600m. By that point I was basically over running, completely burned out and sick of running.
10 years later...
I wake up one morning in April of 2017 to take a shower and realize that I have no temperature sensation in my right leg whatsoever. I'm now finishing grad school, I've moved across the country, first kid on the way and due in a matter of weeks. I'm not working out much at this point, maybe running every few months at best. Stress is high. I go to urgent care and the last 6 months of subtle pins and needles on the left side of my face and the occasional double vision start to make a lot more sense. Multiple Sclerosis. It's not a death sentence, but I felt like the world was ending. My kid was due in 4 weeks and now my future was completely uncertain. A month or two, an MRI and one spinal tap later and the diagnosis is confirmed.

Training

Fortunately, new medicines have made MS much more manageable and I was lucky to have a great medical team. Perhaps the most important thing to keep the disease in check beyond highly potent immunosuppressants is regular exercise. Time to start running again.
Starting out was rough, but within a few weeks I was able to feel ok running 15-20 miles a week in the 8-10 min/mile range. I keep that up consistently for a year or so and run my first 10K with a time of 44:42, which I was pretty proud of at the time. Things are going well for a while, second kid is on the way, my MS seems mostly stable, albeit leaving me with some permanent loss of function of my left leg (these gait issues will come up later), pins and needles in my right leg, and fatigue. Then COVID hits. Now I'm at home, with much more time. I increase my mileage a bit, now running 20-30 miles a week but not really following any particular plan or anything. Move across country, keep running when I can.
Mid-2023 I decided to finally take it up a level. I was mostly using the Garmin Daily Workouts at this point and running consistently 30 miles a week. I decided to run my first half-marathon, just as a virtual training run, and felt pretty good about my time with an 8:24/mi average pace. Going into fall, I juggled some illnesses but kept running. Unfortunately around November I started to develop Sesamoiditis and had to really limit my running to 35-40 miles per week. I ran a Christmas 5K with a time of 19:14, which felt pretty good, but was still dealing with the Sesamoid issue.
Over time, the Sesamoid started to resolve but I would occasionally feel some twinges in my right Adductor. Nevertheless, I felt like the time was now to try for my first Marathon. Around February, I finally committed and decided to do the Pfitz 12/55 plan. I had been consistently in the 35-40 range for a few months, so felt like I had a decent base. At first, I found the plan quite difficult to deal with. It was the most structured running I had done since high school, but after a while my schedule adapted and I was hitting all of the workouts. About halfway through, the Adductor issue started to really rear its ugly head. It seems like it's a combination of gait issues from my MS as well as compensating for the weakened Sesamoid. I attempted to strength train, but had to back off a bit.
At best, I was able to hit 53 miles a week, occasionally having to skip some workouts for cross-training or rest. I felt like I nailed the 20 mile runs pretty well and overall the LRs felt good. I ran one 5K as a kind of "tune-up" with a time of 19:21, pacing a friend, so putting in maybe 80-90% effort. Due to injuries and some travel I was never able to do one of the longer tune-up races. Unfortunately, the Adductor issue continued to wax and wane, finally flaring up badly about 3 weeks out from my target marathon. After a consultation with Ortho, I was told to stop running cold turkey for two weeks prior to the Marathon, and then a follow-up last Friday I was given the green light to try it ... cautiously ... but consider dropping out if it is too painful.

Pre-Race

My taper was compromised pretty heavily by the injury, so I was really feeling worried about how the race would go. That said, I knew that the training was done at this point, and so an extended rest shouldn't make TOO much of an impact if I feel ready. I carb-loaded three days out and tried to take on a lot of fluids. While my injury was feeling better, the next worry was the temperature. Forecast was saying low 60s for the start of the race, ramping up to the mid 70s by the time I expected to finish. We drove up to Burlington from the Boston area on Friday with the kids, and I likely did too much walking on Saturday but overall I was feeling ok and was fortunate to get a good amount of sleep Saturday night (7.5hrs).
I'm a scientist by training, so planning and preparation is second nature to me. I woke up at 4:45, had a cup of coffee, half a bagel, a banana, and a Maurten 160 drink. Because of the temperature, I decided to prepare two 500mL bottles of Tailwind, one that I would take with me and one that I would pickup from my wife at the Half point. I planned for 4 gels (Maurten@5mi, Gu@10mi, Maurten+Caf@15mi, Maurten@20) and to get a cup of water at every aid station each 2.5mi. I jogged down to the start at 6:15am, used the restroom probably 4 times, and lined up with the 3:30 group.

Race

My plan was to start out with the 3:30 pacer group and see how things go. The course is advertised as being flat and fast, but I'm not sure I believe that because there is a big hill you run up twice with 120ft of vert over about 1/2 mile and between 5-7% grade at times. The course is essentially two figure 8s, and you start in the middle. At 7:15am, we took off. The first few miles felt a bit stiff, but I was chatting it up with the pacers and feeling pretty relaxed. We were going a bit ahead of pace, clocking in at 7:50 per mile for the first 4-5 miles. Around the 10K mark, I was feeling a bit antsy and the pace was slowing down...I decided to head off alone, despite a lot of reservation that I was making a poor decision.
Around Mile 9, I was starting to feel a bit of tightness in my legs and my HR was in the high 160s. I was a little bit concerned about this early fatigue, but I knew from my training that I feel like this on almost every single run and it doesn't really seem to get worse, it just seems to be part of my mechanics or something. I kept pushing on, mile after mile, keeping my pace pretty consistently. Every aid station I got a cup of water, drank some and splashed the rest on my head. This made a HUGE difference in the end.
Mile 13, came in at the Half feeling great. Started up one of the hills and saw my wife. *Disaster* she had the wrong bottle. No carbs, no Tailwind for the 2nd half, and my current bottle was empty. At this point, I had also been taking my gels early. My stomach was feeling great so instead of a gel at every 5th mile I was taking one at every 4. The race provided gels at mile 8 and mile 21, so I had picked up an extra gel by this time and made the decision to stop at the next aid station around mile 15 and fill up my bottle with Gatorade. Salvation.
Kept chugging along, feeling a bit of fatigue setting in around the slog from mile 16-19. At mile 19, I saw my wife again and she had the correct bottle (it was my fault, she thought I meant for her to give me a larger, recovery bottle I had prepared of Skratch for after the race). I got my bottle of Tailwind and hit the monster hill at Mile 20. This was my slowest mile at 8:15 (GAP of 7:40) and it really sapped my strength. I was thinking that this must be like running Heartbreak Hill the entire time I was going up.
Through the hill, into the last 10K. Starting to feel desperate, just pushing forward every step of the way. The pacing in this marathon is quite strange, because it also has a Relay of either 2-person or 4-person teams, so you're always seeing different people with way fresher legs than you. Ended up finding a woman to run with who was crushing it, and we paced eachother the last 3-4 miles. Took a last gel around 24 miles and grinded it out to the end.

Berlin next... then Boston?

Post-race, I was feeling pretty happy with my 3:26 time. To be honest, I felt a little anti-climactic, although I'm not entirely sure why. I didn't feel a ton of adrenaline or emotion throughout the race and things seemed pretty collected. That said, I'm pretty surprised at how much I loved almost every minute of the race itself. Maybe it was just because it was my first time, but it was truly a fun and rewarding experience.
I think there were a few areas where I could have pushed just slightly harder, but given it was my first marathon on a somewhat challenging course in the heat I'm overall happy with my time. I absolutely nailed my hydration/fueling and my pacing, with a slightly negative split overall, so I'm really pleased with that. As a whole, I'd give my training cycle maybe a 6/10; I think I definitely raced too many of my training runs, likely leading to some of my injuries. I was also only able to go above 50mpw in 2 of the 12 weeks of the program.
Given my somewhat poor training cycle, I'm hoping that I still have a lot of room to improve. I was a bit worried that my MS would cause issues during the marathon, particularly my left leg, which tends to lose coordination in long, higher intensity efforts. Fortunately, it felt pretty good throughout.
Earlier in the year, I was lucky to get a spot for both Berlin and NYC. Given their proximity to each other, I'm going to try and defer NYC to next year. I've now been thinking through if I want to try and apply to Boston for 2025. Given my MS, I am technically eligible for an "adaptive" application, which has a cutoff time of 6:00. I feel in two minds about this, because on one hand I feel like I'm maybe taking a bit of the easy way out, when it might be possible for me to hit sub-3:05 some day. On the other hand, I don't know how many years I have left running so I'm thinking I might just seize the opportunity now and then try and qualify through the more "standard" way in the future. Curious on people's thoughts on this, and thanks for reading!
Made with a new race report generator created by herumph.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Total_Cap_8129. She posted in AmItheAsshole
I added paragraph breaks for readability.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. Latest update is 7 days old per the rules of this sub.

Mood Spoiler: sad but with good boundaries
Original Post: May 21, 2024
This is my first reddit post, throwaway. Also Englisch is not my first language.
My (53F) mother passed away 10 years ago and I inherited a few select items of jewellery from her. Those are things she cherished and wore often. I have been wearing her watch for the past 10 years, my sister (50F) holds a golden bracelet that she loves and there are three items left that me and my sister have been planning to give to my three daughters (20/18/18) to commemorate 10 years since her passing. They always knew this and were close to their gradma. There is also no quarrel about who gets what.
Enter my brother (48m) and his fiancée (38f) of two years. My brother is demanding one of the pieces for his future wife to wear. He claims we never involved him in any discussion as to what should happen to the pieces and we can’t just claim those to ourselves just because we are women. He says it’s very common for heirloom jewellery to be given to the daughter-in-law and he and his fiancée even cited Meghan Marke and Kate Middleton as examples.
Legally there is no case to be made, my mother left those items to me. I have politly declined their request explaining that I can’t let one of my daughters go without and that they were very close to their grandma while his fiancée did not know her. His fiancée is apparently distraught and claims we don’t see her as family. My father wants me to keep the items and give one to my brother so that all of my mom’s kids eventually get one item and I can do as I see fit with the rest. My sister kindly has offered up her bracelet.
I am torn. I don’t t want to antoganoize my brother and my sister-in law but I find my three daughters’ claim so much more valid. They have been looking forward to this for years. And I don’t want my sister to sacrifice her bracelet. If there were more pieces I would not hesitate to give something to her. It’s not a matter of money. I have offered other things out of my mom’s estate, they feel it’s not the same.
I am also taking into account that my brother was married to his first wife 10 years ago and despite having been close to my mother she got no jewellery either but was left two of my mothers’s watercolor drawings. I feel like my mother left those pieces to me with the intention of eventually passing them on to her granddaughters. Would she have subscribed to the „each child or each daughter plus daughter-in-law has to get a piece of jewellery“ logic she would have left something to my brother or his then-wife in the first place.
My daughters told me the would accept any decision I make but I feel it would be highly unfair to burden them with any involvement in the decision making. The choice is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences. According to my father they are debating to uninvite me from the wedding over this. I stand by my decision but It’s hard.. I was always on good terms with my brother and cordial with his fiancée.. so AITA?
Relevant Comments (OOP had over 100, so this is very narrowed down):
Commenter: OP, she doesn't want to feel closer to her new family, she wants to know that she can push your brother to get her what she wants, even at the expense of his relationship with all of you. It's a game she is playing now, before they get married, so she knows exactly how far she can push you all and what she can get her greedy hands on with a temper tantrum and some threats to exclude you all.
Tell your brother the legacy he received is two watercolor paintings his ex wife has, and he's welcome to chase her down for that if he feels so strongly about it. But your jewelry was a gift your grandmother gave to you, and it is staying with you until you give it to your daughters.
Friend, if you cave to your brother and SIL on this, you'll be handing shit over as long as their marriage lasts. NTA.

OOP: Wow.. thanks for the clarity and direct words. I am starting to feel I was in denial about how bad this really is.
It’s worth mentioning that my brother obviously received his own inheritance as well.
(to another commenter): Also he got a sizable inheritance back then and his wife got two original artworks.. those jewelry pieces are worth approximately $1000 each while my mother’s original artworks are valued $1000-$3000 (she was an illustrator) so the issue is really not me sitting on a $50,000 diamond ring while they received two worthless sketches.

Commenter: Your dad presumably still had items from his wife? He can give one of his treasures to her. You and your sister and your three daughters got one item each. Not up for renegotiation.

OOP: We already offered but she claims it must be jewelry so she can wear it on her wedding day.

Commenter: Since the brother and fiancee seem to want to make the decision, ask them which granddaughter they feel deserves to be deprived of her grandmother's memento, AND how they intend to compensate said daughter for her exclusion from grandmotherly keepsakes. Tell them you cannot in good conscience hand anything over to the fiancee unless they can give a reasonable answer to these questions.

OOP: My husband actually asked them that and their answer was they believe that the twins should share.. which is obviously not going to happen as long as I am here to prevent it.

Commenter: How does the SIL even know about the jewelry?

OOP: I planned to give it to my girls at a family dinner commemorating our mother’s birthday next month and gave everyone a heads up. That’s how she got to know.

Commenter: You have 3 daughters. Your mother left you 3 items. It's pretty self-explanatory. Your mother didn't have to spell it it out for you. She just left them with you for safekeeping. If that wasn't her intention, she would have given them to your dad. Plus your daughters had a personal relationship with your mom (THEIR grandmother).
You got the watch. Your sis got the bracelet. Your daughters get the other 3.

OOP: Thanks.. I feel exactly the same way. I can’t for the life of me see where my brother claims we should have involved him in any discussion concerning who gets what because in my view it’s absolutely clear who gets what. And since she left those things to me, it’s up to me to make the decision. She could’ve left them to anybody else, but she didn’t. What else am I going to do with three pieces when I have three daughters?

Commenter: Tell your brother to stick it. These are for your daughters / her bloodline. This is so entitled and ridiculous.

OOP: I actually don’t care so much about the bloodline thing. If my father were to die tomorrow and each of this children would get some beloved sentimental items I would be really pissed if my husband who is very close to him would not get anything. Plus, I really understand why she wants to have something to feel more connected to her new family, especially since she is estranged to her parents and won’t get anything from them to wear on her wedding day. The problem lies solely in the fact that I don’t have anything to give her without hurting other people. I will not prioritise her feelings above my daughters.

Commenter: Bet you the reason she is estranged from her parents is an eye opener if you ever find it out. Whatever she told you it was is BS.

OOP: I don’t know the reason, but I will admit the thought has crossed my mind. The fact that she is willing to blatantly ignore her nieces’ feelings and that wearing a piece of heirloom jewellery on her wedding day is more important to her than the girls’ connection to their beloved grandmother is a bit concerning to me.

Commenter: If she's trying to feel closer to your family, is there any jewelry that is yours or your sister's that could be given or loaned to her for her wedding day that isn't inherited from your mother?
Your sister and your daughters who actually knew and loved your mother should, of course, take precedence over someone who has only heard about her! NTA and your brother is being absurdly pushy.

OOP: We have now decided to pitch in together to buy something new for her to wear on her wedding day and have as a gift from the family. I hope she will accept this. I could also give her something from me as a loan but I feel buying something specifically for her would probably be better. It’s not that I feel she shouldn’t have anything and I would honestly offer to give her a piece if I had any spare pieces to give.

Commenter: NTA. Your brother is marrying a psycho. She’s never met your mother but is distraught that she can’t wear her dead MIL’s jewelry. You are correct, your mom left the jewelry to you and, as you stated, your mom didn’t even leave your brother’s wife (his ex) jewelry when she passed. Your brother and his fiancée are acting crazy entitled and you need to tell them no and that if they bring it up again you’ll have to excuse yourself from their presence. They are trying to bully you out of your daughters’ heirloom jewelry, their birthrites.

OOP: I can actually see why she would like to have something, we were all very close with mom and keep her memory alive and it’s tricky to enter into such a dynamic years later. I would give her something especially to wear on her wedding day (she is estranged from her parents) if I had anything to give but I can’t take away from my daughters to help her feel better.

Commenter: NTA - the items were left to you. No matter what happens in the future, your daughter's will be your daughter's. The same can't be said for your brothers fiance. That relationship could end, and then the jewelry wouldn't be part of the family anymore. If they were married when your mother passed, maybe I'd consider it, but they haven't tied the knot, so don't give her anything.

OOP: This has been brought up a lot but I feel I can’t in good conscience bring up the fact that their marriage might fail as an argument.

Commenter: NTA if your mom specifically left them to you. Y W B T A if you and your sister decided between yourselves to take all of the nice jewelry without giving any to brother. What about if/when he has daughters?

OOP: He was childless back than with no intention of starting a family and his first wife got an inheritance of her own and so did he. He was completely fine with us deciding what to do with the jewelry as neither him nor his ex wife were interested. The issue only came up with his fiancée recently. Had he voiced his objections ten years ago I would not have spent the last ten years preparing my daughters and the situation would be different. Also legally all items belong to me and I am under no obligation to share or discuss with anyone. I discussed with my sister because it seemed fitting.. again.. he was not interested.

Ask the first wife for paintings?
Asking first wife for her paintings might be an even harder no than the jewelry question honestly.. she received those paintings because she loved our mother and her art and she was a family member in her own right after replacing my mother as my disabled father’s full-time caretaker after my mother fell ill. I am not close to her anymore but I respect her and my mother‘s wishes enough to not hunt her down after seven years for what is legally and rightfully hers.
Update (Same Post): May 22, 2024 (Next Day)
Thank you all for your kind messages and advice, I would never have expected to get so valuable support and inside from strangers on the Internet. Thank you really from the bottom of my heart!
We came together with my brother and his fiancée after I had many of your replies to my husband and my sister. I stated clearly that I will support her in any way possible and that it’s very important for me to welcome home to the family properly but the jewelry is off the table because I believe I am fulfilling my mother’s wishes and I cannot hurt my daughters. I added that I believe that this is not the right way to join a family and that we should strive to resolve this conflict before it creates more tension between my daughters and their uncle and future aunt and also amongst us siblings.
At first, I thought my brother really saw my point and he seemed happy that we offered to pitch together to buy something for his fiancée. Unfortunately she is not willing to accept this. as some of you pointed out, she seems to believe that she ranks right beside my sister and me when it comes to our late mother and supersedes my daughters.. well.
She talked about her rightful place in the family and how she went no contact with her family because they denied her the respect that she deserves and that she will not hesitate to do the same with us. She also talked a lot about the pain of not being able to have any heirloom jewelry for her wedding. And honestly, I believe only a few days ago I would’ve given in presented with her tears but thanks to your kind words I was able to see through her emotional manipulation and really now that I am aware of what she’s doing it is so obvious..
I must say my brother looked very uncomfortable. She then stated that it would be a waste to give the pieces to my daughters since they would just sell them for the money to buy make-up wich is absurd. I ended the conversation at this point stating that I hold firm to my boundary and that they are free to do whatever they feel is the right thing for them.
I am heartbroken and I hope my brother will change his mind. So.. no happy ending but thanks again.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Thats great youve seen her for what shes really doing! Good luck to your brother because the fiancé sure sounds like a peach! Well done for looking out for your baby girls (I know they’re 18 but they’ll always be your babies!)!

OOP: They are capable and wise but they should not bear the consequences of the quarrels of others that they have no part in. And although I am heartbroken by all of this I can firmly feel my mother’s support in this as she put me in charge to protect what belongs to her granddaughters and daughters. Thank you for your support!

In response to a longer comment:

Thanks again.. I appreciate your encouragement. I hope their next move will be one of love and understanding but it’s hard to tell what they will do. While I don’t believe they are considering to physically steal the pieces from me, I have now given the two pieces meant for the younger girls to my mother-in-law for safekeeping at her house until the dust settles. She is obviously livid at the treatment of her granddaughters. The girls felt a lot of pressure from their uncle which is so heartbreaking.. my eldest on the other hand calls her future aunt a grifter and says she will not accept any change of plan to accommodate her so she will receive her piece as planned. She has also been looking forward to wearing it for a long time. I have no words really at this point.. hoping for the best.

​

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Fair-Bee-4149. She posted in AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7 day waiting period- thus, the latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: post-partum depression
Mood Spoiler: hopeful ending
Original Post: May 17, 2024
I (35f) have a friend group of five women (including me). We are all the same age and we have been friends since we were 13. Four of us me included have kids, with my five week old son being the youngest. The fifth friend Emily (fake name) doesn't have kids and hasn't really ever been in a relationship that lasted longer than a couple of weeks. Emily works in a day care centre and has been working there for over 10 years. Nowadays she mainly does admin work but sometimes covers shifts if someone is sick. So she has a lot of experience with kids even though she doesn't have any herself.
The problem with Emily is that she likes to make it known how good she is with kids. So when ever we spend time together as a group with our kids she acts like she knows best when it comes to kids. For example if a kid is having a tantrum she will insert herself in the situation instead of letting the mom take care of it. Or if a child is doing something it shouldn't like eating too much candy, Emily will tell the child "Don't listen to mommy, auntie Emily says it's fine". She also does this at bigger gatherings showing off her superior skills with kids while making us look like we don't know anything. I've talked about this with the other moms and they find it annoying aswell. We thought about saying something but we agreed that taking care of children is such a big part of Emily's identity that it would really hurt her.
On to the problem at hand. Couple of days ago we were hanging out again. Emily asked if she could hold my son and I said yes. A little later the baby started to cry. I went over and tried to take him back. Emily wouldn't let me and kept saying she knows how to do it and tries rocking the baby. I knew my son was hungry so no amount of rocking was going to stop him from crying. I asked Emily again just to give me the baby and she again refused. I was getting upset and asked again and she just kept saying that she knows how to take care of a baby. I said I know but I need to take my baby. I was about to blow but she had my son in her arms so I didn't want to upset her. Suddenly she tried to take the baby to the other room but I stopped her and almost forcefully took my son from her. I was seething and once I had set my son down, I let it all out. I shouted at her that she has no right to keep me from my child and that even with all her experience she can't go over me when it comes to my child. I also told her that I'm sick of her trying to show off her skills using my child. She was really upset and left shortly after.
I don't think anything I said was wrong but AITA for shouting at her? My friends think it's something she needed to hear but going of on her like that might have been too much
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: May 22, 2024 (5 days later)
Thank you all for your comments. I was happy to see that I wasn’t completely out of line with my outburst but I agree that the way we had been handling (or not handling) the situation wasn’t good.
We tried contacting Emily right after that incident but she just messaged our group chat that she was busy and she’ll get back to us. I managed to get hold of her after the post and invited her to have coffee at my place on Sunday.
We met with one other friend from the group. We thought having all of us there might be too much pressure. My husband took the baby to see my in-laws so he wasn’t there. It was a bit awkward and didn’t get better. I started by apologizing for shouting at her but told her that keeping my child from me wasn’t acceptable behavior from anyone. I told her that we know that she is good with kids and the kids like auntie Emily very much but sometimes she oversteps and gets in the way of how we want to parent our children. My friend gave a couple of examples of the situations but Emily refused to see any problem with her behavior.
Emily got really defensive and told us that we are really ungrateful for all the help she has given and she has put so much effort into kids that aren’t even hers . I told her that of course we are grateful for the help and all we need is for her to be a bit more mindful in certain situations. She doubled down on nothing being wrong about the way she acts. She also started getting nasty about our parenting and bringing up things that we did wrong. I know myself and my friends sometimes make mistakes as do all parents but my friends are great moms who love their kids and would do anything for them.
Then she got really angry and told me that I don’t deserve my child as I didn’t even want him. Background to this was that I was hesitant to keep my child when I found out I was pregnant since I had had some mental health issues and I was really scared that I would get PPD and might not handle taking care of a baby. I’m so happy that I decided to have him but it was tough back then even with my husband being really supportive. That was the final straw and I kicked her out and told her she will never be allowed around my child. After she left we called the others and told them what happened. We decided that we would take a step back from Emily for now.
Emily has since blocked all of us on everything. One of our other mutual friends told us that Emily has been making Facebook posts about fake friends who don’t appreciate her help and advice. She’s not naming names but everyone knows she’s talking about us. Most people have seen her in action at get togethers so they understand where we’re coming from. For now we are keeping our distance and maybe if she realizes the problem and apologizes then we might reconsider.

I finally trusted you again and I'm heart broken. I thought we were at at point where we would eventually be able to work through this together. It wasn't there yet but, there was hope again.
You were becoming a good Dad and a caring romantic partner.
I've had glimmers of hope through out the years:
-Fruit strip gum and 5th grade mouth shirt.
-When you asked me out in 6th grade and we had a homework date, with your weird nice Dad on his dial up internet.
-When you kissed me on my roof, while I was wearing my striped Contempo belly shirt (the next time we hung out you asked if you could pick Rosemary's sunflowers to give to Rae)
-When we went to homecoming together (but you took shrooms with Vinnie, so you were off, we danced a little.)
-When we had strange sex on your dorm room couch (my first time.) Followed by you discarding me when we were supposed to hang out next, after having my Mom drive 3 hours to get you, you didn't hang out with me when we got home. You NEEDED to go to the mall with again, Rae. I guess not a glimmer.
-Then I guess we were sex friends and kind of together, you spent lots of time at my house. You were so kind to my family (other than the time we got my 11 year old brother high and potentially ruined his mental health forever. This timeline isn't accurate but I thought of it.

• You were kind to my brother. Thank you for that. You really were a great brother in law to him. Be probably misses you.

-When you moved in with me . You had no where else to go but I pretended it was because you wanted to be with me. (We had some good times there, our room was toxic)
-We did ecstasy and had sex the football field. That was fun.
-You introduced me to your cold, cold family. They told/tell me I'm family too but that dynamic is weird. I don't envy that upbringing.
-We were a long distance couple but it was official. I ruined my education to make it work. I don't really regret that you're better than an education at that school.

• You told me a ghost told you we had to be together. I believed that piece only. Blocked out all the red flags, including Jessica (we've gone over that enough.) Dropped out of college and ran to you. You went back to her.

-She dumped you (finally, how many abortions later?) and you called me and played the thrown away song (not a glimmer, I was just glad you broke up, remember I made a decision to love you when I was 13.)
-You got jealous that I had a boyfriend and I brought his dog home from Florida. We had sex on my Mom's porch.
-You came down to Florida and saw I had good friends and was doing ok without you, you wanted me back (but you wanted to keep fucking all the strange that you were fucking and were ok with me doing the same until we got back together. I never touched anyone after that call, I don't care if you did.)
-Our Fernwood house was nice, I loved that you got me Stoops. You punched a hole in the door that I fixed witb painters plaster and we hung out with Jamie too much ( one night while I was sleeping I think something might have happened with you two but if you read everything before this you can see I'm not feeling secure in this relationship so who knows.)
-You were nice to my family, you loved my Mom and could converse with "Cool Cal," Diane and Jackie (they're tough.)

• You started talking about the band. You played a song (I didn't think it was that good, I didn't tell you that.) I wanted you to be famous, you deserve that. You're amazing!

-We went to California. You were so anxious and cruel the day we left. Then you told me you "just wanted to take care of me." My Mom told me to never be with someone who said that, that's what my Dad said to her. I didn't listen.

• You never got a job when we lived in Caifornia, I was OK with that. No one else was including Jesse. You took care of the house and made me food and really seemed to love me. I was happy. (I don't care if you did weird shit on tour, you came back to me,)

-We came back to Michigan, we built a home. We were broke and lost together.

• We went to Karen and Tom's wedding, I was proud to have you by my side, we were in love and I was pregnant.

-YOU DID NOT WANT KIDS (you told me this when we were about 17, you said you wanted to be with me but didn't want kids, maybe we would adopt when we were older.)
-I'm sorry I never listened to your words and tried to wish you into the person I dreamed you were. That's too much to live up to. I really am sorry I do this.
-We had the kids and they make all of this worth it.
-We didn't have 1 of them. I couldn't have another one without your support. We had sex on the washing machine and you told me you loved me and we could keep that baby. The next day you changed your mind. I didn't really want to do it again either but it felt good for a few minutes that you were agreeing to one.
-I cried and cried at that appointment once I was called back, you hardly looked at me while we were waiting, you were stoic. I couldn't have anymore kids with someone that didn't want them.
-I saw a blue meteor, I thought we should buy the blue house. The one I knew you would love, that came up on Zillow from time to time. I never told you about it because it was way too much work. Only the best version of both of us could handle that house.
-Zelda came, I was so happy for that one glimmer when that test was negative. But it wasn't.
-You told me "don't expect anything from me when that baby comes." I should have listened to your words
-Covid- I have writing longer than this and pictures of all the horrible, violent, heinous shit you said when that hit. I thought we would reset and bond and spend quality family time. Ha, see above. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have hope.
-Divorce. You threatened to kill me and all our kids. That's probably time to stop pretending this is working.
-I didn't stop pretending, we kept on. I held you and excused you and supported you. I fucked you with a passion I could never give you before because really it was already over and it didn't matter.
-It started to matter, you were helpful and kind again. You had your set backs but you seemed ready to finally commit to me and the kids.

• You went nuts, I soldiered on trying to make a living to support 3 kids, putting my interests on the shelf. I pushed you away so they wouldn't have to see you like that. I wanted to help you but I needed to protect them more.

-I asked you to get yourself help, you did.
-You called me a trigger and found your support from other women and not me.
-I feel lost without you, this is what I know.
-I feel like you can finally protect and love the kids.
-That's good!
-I'm strong but I need support too. You can't give that to me. I am choosing not to love you so I can find someone who will.

• I let you do this because I choose to love you. Why did you do?

*This shit is really a cycle and I've spun out at 43. I don't regret any of it, he gave me 3 beautiful kids. I was trying to me positive with this but almost every poitive thing is riddled with underlying negative that I pretended wasn't there at the time. *
If he/she's great but constantly makes makes you feel uneasy it's time to go!
Night, night 🌙 strong ladies and gents!

Idk about you guys but I've always loved how a shower felt after a bunch of work. Something special about it. Anyway thanks for reading! :)
They were both offered showers by town citizens happy to open their homes. Gareth found showers immensely awkward but didn’t need to worry as a few townsfolk drew him a bath. With some extra help from Deag, who had taken a short trip to the ship, he treated the water and was finally able to eat something. It was no traditional Weilan spa, but it was… close enough. If he was being entirely honest, he was just glad to finally be able to eat something. He may have fibbed to Pen when they talked about food. He wasn’t near starving quite yet and even though being carried had allowed him to conserve a lot of energy, it wouldn’t have helped much longer.
He looked down at his poor shell. Its color greatly diminished from the lack of food and immense stress of the whole ordeal. He could feel the buildup of toxins in his system before and it was wonderful to feel them washing out. He sighed and slumped down under the water. Again, he inspected his shell. Wilting and greying all over his eyes wandered to the crack made by Pen when she pulled him out of the way of the turret. Probably another two months to heal but it was coming along. She must have remembered it too when they were falling. She was gentler. It honestly surprised him that he managed to survive that fall without any major injury.
Gareth let his thoughts drift aimlessly as he soaked under the water. After a few minutes, though, he heard a thump from outside the tub. He rose up from the water and peeked over the lip of the tub. A small human child stared back from the washroom door. Small by human standards that is. He was shorter than Gareth but only by a few inches. If Ton’et’s human biology lessons were serving him well the boy wouldn’t remain much smaller than him for more than a year or so. He should be quickly entering a time of quick growth that humans experience periodically in their formative years.
“Mmmhmmmb” the boy mumbled, still hiding most of himself behind the door.
“What was that?” Gareth asked.
The boy shirked slightly but found his voice after a moment.
“You… You’re weird looking.”
Gareth chuckled.
“You’re the weird looking one.”
The boy's brow furrowed, easier to read than Pen by far. The child wore his emotions on his face.
“Nuh uh…”
“Yuh huh.” Gareth mimicked the child.
“No, you don’t look like anyone else here.”
“Well, I’m not from here, am I? I’m from a place where everyone looks like me and nobody looks like you.”
This seemed to puzzle the boy.
“How many people?”
Gareth tilted his head. An odd question.
“Lots? Trillions.”
“Is that more than here?”
It dawned on him the math the boy was doing.
“Definitely.”
“Darn…”
The boy lightly tapped the doorframe with his foot.
“You could go see them.” Gareth offered.
“Really?” A shine came to his eyes.
“Oh definitely, there's a ton to see. More places out there than trees in that forest outside.”
The boy didn’t understand trillions but that comparison made sense to him.
“Waoooaahhh,” a frown came to his face quickly, “but I like it here though. I have friends here.”
“So when you miss them, just come on back. No reason you cant enjoy both right?”
Gareth's words were a joyous revelation to the boy.
“I’d love that I think…”
“I think you would to.” Gareth chuckled.
“You may be weird but you're pretty cool. My names Cameron by the way.”
“Pleasure to meet you Cameron, I’m Gareth. I think you’re weird and cool too.”
Cameron giggled and sprinted away, stopped, turned around, closed the door gently, then turned back around and sprinted away again. Gareth sunk back down into the tub smiling.
Pen stepped under the shower head with her face turned up. Steaming hot water hit her face and ran down taking all the stress and sweat with it.
A proper shower was exactly what Pen needed. She was no stranger to dirt and sweat and when needs must, she had no issue. That said, filthy was by no means a preferred state and after two days hard march, sleeping in the dirt, and only washing off in a river, a proper shower felt divine. It almost reminded her of washing off after a particularly arduous drop. There was something especially satisfying about it.
Soap, warm water, and more time to enjoy it than she’d ever have been given on the Basho. After getting clean she turned the heat up as high as it could go and propped herself against the wall of the shower letting the water run over her shoulders and back. The heat melted through the tension and washed it down the drain.
Ahhhhhh. Perfect.
Something tickled her neck and she brought her right hand up to it. She pulled a long strand of hair away. It struck her as odd and brought her attention to her hair. It had gotten longer. The strand in her hand was almost alien due to how long it had been since she’d allowed it to grow out beyond a few inches.
She brought both her hands up now, raking them through the newfound length. She’d start having to wear it up if she didn’t want to cut it.
She kind of didn’t. Why should she?
After a nice long while in the hot shower she turned the water off and stepped out. The bathroom was heavy with steam, but she saw that towels and clothes had been set by the sink for her. She dried herself and examined the clothing. It was a simple handwoven dress, loose cut and floor length. The dress was dyed olive green and parchment white with a humble little leaf-like pattern embroidered around the wrists and neckline.
It certainly wasn’t her normal fare, but it was clearly a kind gesture and matched the clothing most wore around town. With how little worn and well taken care of it looked Pen could guess that it meant a lot to the person who donated it.
Pen donned it and looked to the mirror only to find it utterly fogged up.
A light knock came from the other side of the door.
“Are you alright miss?” a woman’s voice asked.
“Yea…” Pen faltered.
“Oh does the dress not fit? Or would you prefer something else?”
“No, no, it fits fine,” it did reach the floor though perhaps not as much as it was intended to, “How about you tell me how I look.”
Pen opened the door. Steam rolled out as she moved into the room with the young woman. She was a stranger to Pen but looked like the older lady whose house this was. Pen guessed a daughter.
“Oh my, I think you look quite nice! Olive is definitely one of your colors. Here!” The girl fumbled somewhat but showed Pen to a tall mirror in the far corner of the room.
It was… certainly a look. Not one she was used to but that was expected. The dress fit fine and it did look nice. Pen couldn’t help but notice, though, that it sat oddly on her. Not tight or revealing by any means, just… a gentler looking piece of clothing on a less than gently built frame. It wasn’t exactly made to be worn by a muscled body.
“Oh erm here miss,” the young woman handed her a hair tie but pulled back, “or if you want I could help you put it up? Its at that weird point where its not long enough to… you know but too long to uh it can be difficult. If you want I can…”
“I… appreciate it but I’ll be fine. I think I'll leave it down for now.”
“Right. Well, here. Just in case you want to.”
She again handed the hair tie but this time let Pen take it. Pen stowed it around her wrist.
“Is Gareth?”
“Oh yes your friend is across the street at the Patterson's. I can bring you over if you like.”
“Lead the way.”
“Of course.”
The girl led her out of the house and across the street. Pen saw a couple putting up woven cloth streamers across the road. They anchored them in trees with some parallel and others crossing.
As the girl stepped up the front porch of the, apparently, Patterson's house she waved to an older gentleman in a rocking chair.
“Evening Mr. Patterson. This is Penelope, she was just calling on her friend.”
“Evening dear. Evening miss. Yer friend hasn’t come out yet but you can head on up. To the left at the top, far end door.”
“Thanks.”
His hand came up to keep her just a moment.
“Thank you miss.” He said accentuating the ‘you’.
He looked at her like they all did. She knew what he meant and as awkwardly as it always was she smiled and nodded before she pushed past him. At least he had the good sense not to salute.
As she climbed the stairs just inside the door to the house she heard the man ask a question of the girl.
“Dear, could you ask your mother about a few fertilizer spikes? The peach is looking like it needs some help.”
Pen continued too far to make out her reply but could guess by its warm tone that it was a yes. She turned at the top of the stairs and walked to the end of the hall. Knocking on the door she called out to Gareth.
“You still soaking?”
“Just suiting up. I’ll be out in a min.”
A ‘min’ huh? Pen thought.
Previous
First

1st Rain’s Hand, 2E 500
College of Sapiarchs
As tensions caused by my father, Rilis XII (I’m not going to call him by his title) started to wane, the process of destroying his things had begun. My mother, High Kinlady Lorana is highly distraught over what happened during the past month. She wished that she would have known early enough to take action against him. Father had torn up my family to the point where we have to work hard to let people know that we are highly against necromancy. The Mages Guild helped by writing him out as one of the guild’s founders (I know you greatly hate the Mages Guild and see them as a threat, but you would be glad to know that they also hate necromancy). Firsthold will remain open to help the city heal. Hopefully my family’s reputation isn’t damaged beyond repair. While we are busy finding anything that belongs to my father that must be destroyed, I found this letter from my aunt, High Kinlady Curwafire crumbled and shoved in High Kinlord Torinaan’s sword’s scabbard. It’s slightly damaged, but still readable. I would like you to keep this letter to help showcase just how tense everything was to future generations in hope that such an event as this doesn’t happen again.

Brother, High Kinlord Rilis XII
Are you insane?! I knew that something was off in the past few years, from the ways your letters are written to how the people thought of you in the mere mention of your name! Don’t think that we have no idea what you have been doing! We know what you’ve been doing! As soon as rumors about you having a daedric “friend” started to float around, my son, King Hidellith started an investigation to see what is really happening. You like to think that we know nothing of what you’re doing, but you’re wrong, we know everything. King Hidellith told me everything that showed up in the investigation, and I promised him that I won’t tell you what we know until it’s time. It has finally gotten to the point that enough is enough! King Hidellith is starting to lose sleep because you are putting everyone in grave danger. This time, brother and I are not going to pull you out of trouble.
It saddens me greatly that the highly intelligent brave little boy had grown into a power hungry daedric worshiper. If mother were alive to see who you have become, she would die of a heart attack! Father would be extremely angry at the fact that you turned our ancestor’s castle, Castle Rilis into a daedric worshiper’s sanctuary where you can do who knows what without anyone noticing! Don’t even think about pleading for forgiveness. What was done is done, everyone in our family will no longer see eye to eye with you, let alone have any communication with you. You have gotten as low as any apraxic Mer could get, and no one wants someone like you on the throne of Firsthold. I really shouldn’t be writing a letter to you at this point!
C

As we all know, there was a short, but major battle barely a day after the letter arrived in my family’s manor. What happened before the battle was quite terrifying. When Rilis XII read the letter, he became very angry and summoned daedra to attack us. He was furious that someone had discovered that he had been working with Molag Bal. I was able to strike many daedra to the floor before all of us were captured and locked up in the manor’s prison. Father said that he would make us pay for exposing his plan. During the night, a scary looking daedra was guarding our cells, he would bang the cell doors and yell at us if we were to ever say a single word. It was a terrifying night and none of us were able to sleep. Mother was quietly sobbing while Kinlady Ayrsha and I were very quietly praying to the divines for our safety. Servants who didn’t die were forced to what they were told that night. Me, my sister, and mother are lucky to be alive as we were rescued the following day. King Hidellith easily fought the daedra that was guarding our cells and killed it. He explained to us that it took a combined strength of himself and High Kinlady Estolina to take Rilis XII down and contained. With Rilis XII stopped, he’s going to be locked up and strictly supervised in the Banished Cells for eternity. I hope that this event doesn’t give Molag Bal some ideas.
May Auri-El watch over us during this troubled time.
High Kinlord Rilis XIII.
[Here is an explanation on that family relationships between the characters here. Rilis XIII is Queen Ayrenn's second cousin, she wasn't born yet during the time of the incident. King Hidellith as we all know is Queen Ayrenn's father, is High Kinlord Rilis XIII's cousin. King Hidellith's mother is High Kinlady Curwafire is High Kinlord Rilis XII's little sister, second child of the family with their brother being the youngest. The mother mentioned by High Kinlady Curwafire is the second child of the High Kinship of Lillandril during the final years of the first era, she married High Kinlord Rilis XI. High Kinlady Estolina is the high kinlady of Lillandril, High Kinlord Rilis XIII is her brother in law through her brother's marriage with Queen Ayrenn almost a century later. I hope this is simple enough to understand. If you are wondering how the heck I'm able to keep up with this craziness, I have the family tree set up on a family tree website, Family Echo. There are other high kinships within their family tree, but let's leave it as is here.]

I think my only option is to completely resign as a stepparent. I desperately need advice about sustaining a marriage with polar opposite parenting styles, & how to deal with teenage boys with no manners or basic hygiene.
There is a lot of background here I will try to keep as to-the-point as possible. I am 34 with a 10 year-old daughter. My husband is 39 with a 15 year-old son. We each had kids at 23. We are 5 years apart, as are our kids. We were also friends for 5 years before “courting” & built a strong bond of trust already, so yes, we courted. I had rejected him a few times over the years, as I was abstinent after a toxic relationship & did not want to repeat the same patterns. Over the covid lockdowns, we started talking, texting, facetiming more than ever. When he asked me out again, I told him I was not interested in dating without the ultimate goal of marriage, to which he said, “Good. I don’t want a girlfriend, I want a wife.” 3 months later, we became engaged & our marriage is truly amazing & fulfilling in so nearly every way except one - my daughter & I, some of the most playful & outgoing outdoorsy girls you could meet, have no idea how to connect to his son. And there is nothing to make me think it is worth even trying anymore.
Miraculously, husband & I both get along extremely well with our co-parents. I could not see myself with someone that doesn’t. Neither of us have court orders or child support or rigid schedules. My daughter’s bio dad is one of my best friends, & I made very clear that a relationship with me means respecting his role. He said the same of his son’s bio mom. I come from a very blended family in which this is the ideal. My parents were at each other’s weddings & all get along & still get together. Our own coparents attended our wedding a year & a half ago. And that meant the absolute world to me & hopefully if not now, someday our kids.
For sure, my husband could not be a better stepfather. He & my daughter share inside jokes & their own games & pranks. She has her own nickname for him & will run to him & hug & climb all over him. They convinced me to add baby goats to our homestead, & have been tending to & bottle-feeding them both, a beautiful connection & commitment to share. He says, “She makes it easy.” And to put it lightly, his son does not - but I am absolutely not allowed to talk about it without getting ridiculed.
I first met the son when he was 13. Overweight, awkward, all of his hair in front of his eyes. He then retreated to his room. I know him to be the exact same now. He is 6’0 & I think over 200lbs, larger than my dad. He defaults to locking himself in his room. Unless asked to help stack wood or play a game with the rest of us, he only emerges to use the bathroom (in which he never brushes his teeth or washes his hands), or ask his dad for food - of which, he literally only eats yellow rice & chicken. He will otherwise smash an entire bag of “Takis” or flaming hot Cheetos at 10 AM & continuously throughout the day as they are available to him. He plays live multiplayer games from morning often to midnight or 3 AM, with my daughter’s room right next to him, where I blast the fan & AC & ocean sounds to drown him out. Calling this out seemed to be calling stepson out personally, so all I can do is adapt. Daughter thankfully likes it cold.
I have tried to be as soft & supportive in airing my grievances to husband, but they are never taken with grace or accountability. I am not perfect & have definitely been passive aggressive with his reactivity, as he takes my issues as insults rather than something to work on. He casts blame on bio mom or Covid, & now me. “I don’t know what goes on at bio-mom’s house, we moved an hour away & he gets carsick! I’m out of his life!” “It’s because he was stuck inside for 2 years!” “Are you sure you didn’t HEAR him say hi?” “Good news, I’ve been living with him 15 years, never sanitized a doorknob in his life, & I’ve been fine!” “I wouldn’t want to leave my room with you criticizing his every move either!”
Our first night in our new home for example, was a nightmare. My hand lotion moved from the bathroom counter to the back of the toilet - so then into our room immediately. He left the toilet seat open & my razor covered in pubes. He left open bags of chips with crumbs all over the counter. “It’s an adjustment, it’s hard on everyone!” Husband said over & over. This was an understatement, being that my daughter has been raised to ask for anything from snack time to screen time always with “please,” “thank you,” & we eat out of bowls that we put in the sink rather than stack in our room with soda cans & candy wrappers.. I am familiar with the saying, “Living room kids come from healthy families. Bedroom kids do not.” Daughter is a living room kid. Stepson is a bedroom kid. Either way, I had never had personal items used without asking &felt extremely violated by stepson, then upset that husband blamed me for it instead of understanding where I was coming from.
This remains true nearly a year later. My husband has started lashing out while drinking the past few months, accusing me of “HATING” his son, which is extremely hurtful as I do not harbor any hate in my heart for anyone. What I disdain is the way he is raising his son under our shared roof & living spaces, & that he refuses to acknowledge or communicate about it. As things were not greatly improving, I personally had a talk with stepson about basic manners. I said, “When you enter this house without a greeting or making eye contact, it is an insult. It comes off as rude & entitled & I don’t like feeling like a ghost in my own house. This is your house too & I want you to feel comfortable. But you can help me feel more comfortable too.” “Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
I have truly never had a real conversation with this kid. He does say “hi” & “bye” & the occasional “thank you” now. At this point, it is abundantly clear that he does not want me in a step role, & neither does his father, & neither does bio mom. So it seems I have no choice but to let it all go & suffer bad manners & hygiene, silence, & now bitter resentment from husband.
What I have observed is that I actually“coparent” with my daughter’s father. We coordinate around each other’s schedules, we make decisions together, we communicate about her physical, emotional, spiritual, educational, & social wellbeing. Husband & bio mom do not. They parent in isolation & simply let the other do as they please, which has resulted in a child without manners or discipline. This has led bio mom to put the kid on PROZAC without husband’s consent. This horrified me, as someone who only goes to the doctor for stitches. My daughter’s doctor is the naturopath who midwived her in the bedroom she still sleeps in at her father’s house. I understand not everyone is as holistically minded, but I begged husband to get him to a nutritionist first. The child is obese & malnourished. But too late. Bio mom did as she pleased without communication, which seems constant among them.
I have not shared my views as I know they are not welcome. Bio mom is medicated, her other 10 year-old son (deceased dad) is medicated, & now teenage stepson is as well. Husband blames our distance from him which feels like an indirect blame on me, as we are closer to my community & business as husband works from home. But truly they live in the ghetto, & I have always lived on the coast & barely like to drive through those inner cities. I set up a high school tour for them here which is one of the best schools in the state with a tech program I thought stepson would love, but he chose to stay with his friends, in one of the worst schools of the state. He incredibly won class president, though has dropped a bunch of honors classes & continues failing others.
My birthday was last week. When my husband asked what I wanted, I said baby back ribs & family. I just wanted to grill & chill due to an insane work week. I run a housekeeping business & worked for 24 hours in 3 days opening up for the summer rental season. I did not want to go crazy hosting & knew I would if we invited friends. “Are you sure? You wouldn’t be hosting, I will be! You don’t have to do a thing!” He emphasized over & again. So when a friend ended up visiting from out of state, I was ecstatic to invite her & our mutual close friend to BBQ with us. They are single moms with 4 toddlers between them & wanted to camp on our land.
We had a great day grilling & running the sprinkler & feeding the animals. Husband had promised stepson would be outside with us all day. Toward the evening, I asked where he was. “Do you see any other teenagers out there? What’s he supposed to do?” I was hurt. “Well I don’t see any 10 year-olds either, but [daughter] is still out there, & you actually said he would spend the whole day with us. I just want some time all together.” Husband knocked on his son’s door & said, “Hey it’s her birthday, it’d be nice if you come out & spend some time with us.” Then he did, & even if it was just a quick basketball game with his dad & he introduced himself to no one, it still meant so much to me.
So later when we had helped friends & toddlers set up a tent & fire in our woods, I hugged husband & thanked him for bringing stepson out with us, saying family time was all I wanted. “You two have such a healthy relationship,” my friend says. At the time, it uplifted him & he said he loved this friend to death. A few hours later, he said it was “hilarious.”
We had invited stepson’s mom, but she was out of town. My coparent joined us however, & he & husband stayed at camp with the moms & toddlers while I went to tuck daughter into bed around 9. We played some trivia to unwind, said a prayer, & I kissed her good night & went to start the dishes. Husband & coparent came back around 11 when I was ready to go to bed myself. They were suddenly on a completely different level as my slow & steady beer intake. Both their legs were gashed & covered in blood from their hike without a flashlight, which they thought was hysterical. They were loud & silly like, “You can’t go to bed, it’s your birrrfday!” & I realized, ah. They were drinking my girls’ tequila.
Coparent went on a drunk spiel thanking me so much for all the love I am, how I keep the family together, this & that & showering me with slurred praise. Husband was drunkenly yet enthusiastically agreeing & thanking me, saying I was the best. I tried staying up with them to be polite but they were so deep in conversation on a different level that I went to go make the baby goat formula for their 5AM feeding & go to bed. But I couldn’t find their bottles. I raised my hand with the men, gradually higher & higher to ask husband if he had seen them. “I see you have your hand raised, but hang on, let me finish this point,” coparent said. So husband finally noticed, & I cut in anyway asking if he had seen them. “As a matter of fact, no, YOU fed the goats last so I have no IDEA where they are,” he raised his voice, literally pointing a finger at me.
That suddenly spiraled into another drunken heated accusation of how much I hate his son. I started crying & saying all I wanted was for him to be with us today & that I was grateful he brought him out. He fought me saying they can never have a good weekend because of me, called me an “@$$hole,” & said “F you ,” 3 times in a row, upsetting me so much as there was absolutely nothing I could say, to the point I slugged him in the arm to get him to stop. This has happened twice before embarrassingly with alcohol, when he just yells & yells things that are not true & curses at me that I can’t even respond vocally. “You see how she treats me?!” Both men of course freaked out & coparent started yelling at me to listen to husband. This essentially turned into 2 hours of incessant berating from both of them. They both cried during their own tangents. It spun out of asking for baby goat bottles & continued til 2 AM with, for the first time, continual threats of divorce.
“You are not in this relationship & do not need to mediate it,” I told coparent.
“Like it or not, I am! How you treat husband affects all of us! His feelings are VALID & you need to be quiet & listen to him!” he said.
“I’ve heard this all before & it is simply not true! I do not hate stepson & he wants to divorce me because he thinks I do!”
“Emotions cause us to say things we don’t mean, he does not want to divorce you & knows you don’t hate him,” coparent said.
“Oh no, I DEFINITELY believe she hates him. And if I have to spend the last 4 years of his youth with my son being constantly criticized, I will absolutely divorce her!”
“I did not criticize him once today! I never criticize him, I am trying to help us become a functional household!”
And he just went round & round in the same circular aggressions that can only hear themselves. I continually begged for them to stop yelling as daughter’s window was open, the baby goats needed sleep, our rabbits didn’t need that stress. But I got yelled at more for that. “You can’t control passion & you need to sit down & LISTEN to your husband!” Coparent kept insisting. But I had heard it all many times before. I even tried to sleep in the goat pen, trying to settle the poor babies, still hearing the men raise their voices about me, how being critical was just my nature, & then got yelled out of there.
Around midnight, I tried to resign again & go back inside to finish dishes when stepson emerged. “Do you know where Dad is?” “Oh he’s outside, you can probably save him from [daughter’s dad].” He went into the bathroom. So I poked my head out while they continued bashing me & said, “Stepson needs you.” “I’ll be right there.” I went back to the dishes. Stepson comes out of the bathroom. As always, flushes, no faucet (or hand-washing). “He says he’ll be right there sweetie.” No words, back into his bedroom. 10 minutes go by & still no husband as I continue the endless dishes. I poke my head out again. “Did you not hear me? Your son needs you.” “ALL RIGHT!”
Turns out he needed dinner. Despite a huge spread of barbecue & potatoes & corn & pasta & salad & veggies & dips, stepson touched none of it & needed his chicken & yellow rice. So husband literally cooked him dinner at 1230AM, all the while continuing to accuse me of hating him whilst doing so.
Coparent authentically apologized the next morning on the phone. “You screamed at me for HOURS when I was ready for bed to listen to falsities I have heard over & over without ONCE trying to hear me.” He got it. He humbled & admitted specific wrongs & I accepted his apology.
“Sorry” does not seem to mean anything when you throw around the “D” word like that though. Husband pledged to stop drinking. To his credit, 3 days later, he still hasn’t. But when I said, “If you think I am capable of hate, you don’t know me at all,” the best apology he could give me was, “I’m sorry, I don’t think you hate him. But I know you don’t like him.” Then, “I don’t want to divorce you. I feel like I ruined our entire lives in one night.”
I told him that this is going to take more than “sorry” to heal, especially where blame is still cast, & he will have to “show” me. I don’t even know how, through more conscientious parenting? We haven’t slept in the same bed in 3 nights. I haven’t cooked for him, but I still clean after him. We finished some homestead projects in near-silence together.
I think I must resign to being the invisible ghost stepson makes me feel like. Do I have ANY role here but to resign & accept his parenting & continue mine with my daughter alone, while he reaps the benefits of an amazing relationship with her? Isolation parenting just like with stepson’s biomom ? If not for my daughter & our animals & gardens, I would just want to lock myself in a room all day too. But that’s what is so hard for me to get. We have nearly 30 acres & this child is permitted to be a blob on a screen living on empty calories all day & night. I cannot & will not blame a child for anything. I told my husband that when a plant isn’t thriving, you nourish it & improve its environment. He said he didn’t get it. And as deeply as I love him & don’t want to even think about divorce, I have never been so unattracted to him.

so i'm like a 22m cs major, asian american, who just graduated college. so like yay me, but i feel like i lack real life skills. and like i feel like my dad emotionally abused me during covid so i like lack a lot of self confidence and stuff. i'm basically like fulfilling quite a few asian stereotypes (bad driver, good at math, etc.). Honestly like the last semester I realized that i wasn't ever going to be good enough at cs to do a phd and i was burned out like crazy so i just started doing normal people things like showering 1x or 2x a day and like getting a good haircut (which was more effort than i realized since you gotta pick the right haircut). and like actually buying my own clothes and consciously developing some style instead of just wearing sweats and a zip up jacket like i have my whole life.
but yeah so i like am kinda like just wondering like if anyone out there also feels the same way. honestly like i'm kinda scared to put this on the internet but i kinda reached a dead end talking with gpt for basically therapy lol so i just wanted to like see if other people feel the same way and what they are going through.
a little more about me, like i've been addicted to the internet for like 10 years, and it exacerbated over covid. so like im a gamer, minecraft and nintendo switch, but not too extreme (just a few couple hundred hours, which is admittedly not nothing), and like i don't use any substances because i'm a scrupulous rule follower (ocd maybe?) and like i like making my mom proud. but like yeah i wish i could make more friends and i also wish i had a girlfriend, but like at this point im kinda ready for the onslaught of like people that will laugh at me for like being such a loser like this and still wanting a girlfriend. like i am not ready for the criticism although i know it will come.
like people tell me to get a therapist but i've been to 8 in the last 4 years. so like clearly i have some form of autism or ocd or i guess something like that. or just cptsd from my dad's verbal insults and arguing attitude. but yeah like i guess this is really making me really unrelatable and not the best version of myself at all so yeah that kinda sucks
edit:
as additional info, i don't have a job after college, so like i should probably just use this time to go to the gym and meet people and like get used to a good daily routine. and travel some to like nyc a bit by myself, or possibly a closer city. basically like get the real world skills i didn't get when i was doing like functional programming on the computer and stuff. so yeah and like i am prestige obsessed especially with academics and like scared to spend money and this comes from my asian parents probably, or maybe i should just take responsibility for being this way. anyways i'm neurotic and getting off the internet and into the real world should set me on the right course though. like i feel like people will laugh at me for being unemployed but at the end of the day other people don't know like what i went through arguing with my dad and my bad mental health so kinda need the time to be unemployed even if people like look down on me for it, but it still stings when people look down on me for not having a job when i studied so hard i forgot how to have social skills. but i guess evidently i didn't study so hard because i'm not good enough for a phd
edit 2:
but i am still wondering if other people feel the same way or i guess also if they feel differently about this stuff in the post
edit 3:
ok i'm not a loser but i guess i felt pretty bad when i wrote the post

14th: Jud “Fabio” Birza (Nicaragua - Winner)

MOVIE STAR JUD \"FABIO\" BIRZA
u/SMC0629:
Fabio, my second favorite winner of the entire show, he’s just too much fun. He perfectly encapsulates the trainwreck that is Nicaragua, and is the best winner for it as well. He gets to the end by just being himself, a decent amount of luck, physical strength, and a tiny bit of strategy. I know there’s some who seem to think Fabio is brought down by this factor of the edit building him up to know what he was doing, apparently undermining everything before the endgame. If you ask me though, who’s to say he DIDN’T have a tiny strategic mind in there? It seemed perfectly reasonable and in character for me, and it only improved him for me. Love Fabio, so happy he made it this far.
~
u/DryBonesKing:
From the same editing program that watered down Mike Gabler from OTT weirdo to a CP-lite strategic player “hiding in plain sight”, we have his prototype - the OTT blond surfer-bro that the players literally changed his name from Jud to Fabio because of how he comes across that gets a watered down CP-lite strategic edit of “they don’t realize I’m actually really smart, y’all!” Quit being cowards CBS! Give us the Goofball Fabio winner edit! #LetFabioBeFuckingWeird
I stand by the Gabler-Fabio comparison, but despite how much I dislike how the CP-edit kills Gabler’s character potential, I think Nicaragua does somehow make it work with Fabio. I blame the cast itself; with people like NaOnka, Marty, Jimmy T, Jane, Shannon, Dan Lembo, and whatever the fuck a “Benry” is supposed to be, “Fabio” almost does come across sane in comparison. As such, he can get these confessionals about pretending to be dumb and it does almost work just because the people he is surrounded by just feel literally ripped from Loony Tunes.
But despite it kinda working here, I do think Fabio is hilarious when he’s just allowed to be this weirdo that no one takes seriously, that ultimatley ends up winning because he’s surrounded by two people who have truly pissed off the jury. He’s a fun character with a truly unique winner’s story, and ultimately, I just REALLY dig his vibe. I wish I had him Top 100. But I also just wish we got a full season with the “real” Fabio as opposed to the occasional cuts to CBS trying to water him down to his most strategically-presentable version. #LetFabioBeFuckingWeird #ReleaseTheFabioOTTWinnerEdit
Overall Rank – 115/821
~
u/Zanthosus:
While I’ve never been as big on Nicaragua as many in the rankdown circle, I still appreciate a lot of what the season does and represents. And I think that Fabio’s win is the perfect ending for the clusterfuck of a season that preceded it.
~
u/Tommyroxs45:
Fabio’s run on Nicaragua is simply iconic and is a great way for the season to end. Having this likable underdog beast his way to the end under all odds against him is so satisfying. I’m happy he made this endgame even if I personally don’t have him here.
u/Regnisyak1:
Fabio is cool. I have him probably lower than a lot of people comparatively, but he was a ray of sunshine on such a negative season, and his win coming out of nowhere was great. He played the surfer bro role correctly, and while I don’t think he necessarily had the greatest ability to lead a season, he is a necessary feature in making it thrive and giving it such a large cult following here. Glad he made it after a long gap.
Personal Rank: 77/821. 9/10.
~
u/ninjedi1:
Jud “Fabio” Birza (1st Place, Nicaragua)
I love Fabio. He’s easily one of my favorite winners of all time. Every time I reevaluate my winners rankings, Fabio at worst will be the third best winner for me. Plus, as an added bonus, he also stars in my favorite B movie of all time, My Stepbrother is a Vampire!?!, which I won on DVD (I’m not joking, who do you think got the screenshot of Fabio for this writeup?). I mentioned in my Colby 3.0 writeup how I consider Nicaragua the last true old school season of Survivor, and that’s because it feels like a big fuck you to strategy, and Fabio plays a huge role in it. Enough of simply stating my love for Fabio’s character, it's time to describe why he’s so great.
The first episode properly sets Fabio up as who he is as a character this season. He gets the first confessional of the season, talking about how dangerous it really is out there and how it's not like the zoo cause it's all real (the first hint of the winner for being the first confessional of the season). He then gets put on the young people tribe, which he says are his people. One of Fabio’s main characteristics gets shown right at the start, where he basically says that they could use a snorkel flipper to collect rainwater, and when Chase said Fabio looked like he would be good in the water, Fabio instantly gets a woodchip in his foot, making him rescind the comment. Shannon then has a confessional where he calls Fabio a dumb blonde, and it instantly cuts to Fabio getting pinched by a crab claw. He then starts calling Fabio his titular nickname…uh…Fabio. This quickly catches on in the tribe, and even at the first challenge where Jeff tries to talk to “Jud”, the tribe corrects him, saying that they only know Fabio. This is Fabio’s first characterization, that he’s a goofball that isn’t taken seriously. While that’s a big characterization, it's not the most important one. The important one is shown in his confessional responding to his new nickname. He comes off surprised that everyone is calling him Fabio, calling the guy a cheeseball, but then says that he doesn’t care what people are going to call him cause he’s going to win the million dollars (in the weirdest audio edit ever) so people can call him Fabio. This highlights his second characterization, and the most important one, he is aware of what other people think of him.
Of course, just because he’s aware of his status doesn’t necessarily mean he has great strategic capabilities. This is shown in the first La Flor vote, where it's looking to be between either Shannon and Brenda, and Fabio was voting for Brenda with Shannon’s. However, Shannon has a huge meltdown at tribal, which clearly would be bad to stick with and would be better to switch sides. However, Fabio ends up sticking with Shannon anyways, voting for Brenda and going “I guess this is the vote?”, which put him on the outs. This would normally be an issue, but since everyone sees him as a goofball, he’s not near the bottom of the pecking order. It also helps that La flor will win every immunity from here on out until the swap happens, and while not happy at first that a swap was happening, he happy with the end result, as he ends up in the majority with the OG La Flor members, although some La Flor members aren’t too happy to work with Fabio strategically. Luckily though, Fabio would successfully make it to merge, where his true game would begin.
I would usually just talk about what Fabio did throughout the merge, but I would rather highlight his interactions with key people from the merge, as they all highlight Fabio’s main characteristics to varying degrees and also help add to his story.
Alina
Alina and Fabio don’t interact too much, as Alina would spend most of her time with Kelly B and then gets swapped onto Espada when the tribe swap happens, separating her from Fabio. But when they return at the merge, Alina ends up getting targeted for her involvement with the missing food fiasco. When she tries to pitch to Fabio to keep her around, he just flat out tells her that people want her out cause she’s dangerous and people think she always has a hidden motive. This does reflect back to earlier in the game, when they were both at the bottom but no one was worried about Fabio and wanted Alina and Kelly B out first. This would carry over all the way over to that moment now. Fabio has more on the pulse in the game than people think as shown here, and he’s able to avoid it due to how he plays up the perception of him.
Marty
On paper, it makes no sense for Marty to vote for Fabio as the winner. How could the most strategic guy on Espada vote for the least strategic person in the game? However, the relationship they develop over time is what really shines. When Marty gets swapped onto La Flor, everyone from OG La Flor either wants him out, or to use him for strategic gain. Fabio is really the only guy from OG La Flor that has his back. Fabio tells Marty about Naonka getting the clue, and when OG La Flor wants to split the vote and get Marty out, Fabio fights for Marty to stay. Even though Marty does trick Fabio by claiming he was a chess grandmaster, he does warm up to Fabio. They even work together at the merge, although that ends up being short-lived as Marty is taken out
Naonka and Purple Kelly
I have to lump these two together since they both highlight the one issue with Fabio’s story. Unfortunately, since both of them quit, they both get slaughtered by the edit, which in turn ends up hurting Fabio’s story since they’re both key to it. With Naonka, she is Fabio’s biggest adversary. She finds his antics way more annoying than funny, and actively yells at him when he complains to her about something, and pretty much dislikes him all around. The feeling appears to be neutral while there on La Flor, but not all is what it seems. When merge comes around Fabio and Naonka reunite again, they actually hug and get along. Even if that ends up being short lived when Naonka steals food, but when she gets cornered and comes clean about it, Fabio is the only one to thank her for doing that. Eventually, all that kindness pays off when at the F9 reward, Naonka is the one to fill him in on the Brenda vote. When FTC comes around, Naonka, despite everything that they’ve been through, calls Fabio her hippy friend and asks about how seeing his Mom gave him the strength to keep going, and Fabio gives a heartfelt answer, telling her about how much he misses his Mom and that it was the fuel he needed to make it all the way to the end of the game. Despite their rocky relationship, Naonka ends up giving Fabio her vote to win.
Purple Kelly is another important aspect of Fabio’s story that unfortunately gets buried due to the assassination edit given to Purple Kelly. Everyone knows that Kelly was miserable due to being given very little clothes to keep her warm during Nicaragua’s monsoon season, which led to her quitting. The only real time it gets acknowledged is when Fabio mentions that now Purple Kelly can sleep when they win the tarp, which is barely heard because it happens the same time that Chase finds a hidden immunity idol clue in the tacklebox. But it's interesting that Fabio is the one to vocally acknowledge it, as he’s the one who’s most involved in it. It's never mentioned, but you do always see it. Multiple times throughout Nicaragua, you can see Kelly wearing Fabio’s yellow jacket. He allowed her to wear it sometimes when she was cold to help her stay warm. Just that kind of gesture along from Fabio helping her out the best he could, led to her voting for Fabio to win in the end.
Benry
I don’t have much to say about Fabio’s relationship with Benry, but there are two things I want to highlight from it. The first is during the Marty vote, where Benry says that the best plan is to lay low and play stupid, while Fabio says that he hated playing stupid but it was the smartest thing to do. Fast forward to the F7, and the vote is between Fabio and Benry. The main alliance of Chase, Sash, Holly, and Jane are deciding who should go between Fabio, who everyone on the jury loves and could win, or Benry, who could go on an immunity run to the end. While Fabio is in general clueless at the vote and is still “playing stupid”, Benry ends up playing really hard to get the vote onto Fabio, which freaks out Chase and leads to the alliance voting out Benry over Fabio. And guess who ends up going on an immunity run right after F6 and makes it to the end and wins?
Jane
At the first merge immunity, it's a double immunity where the last standing man and woman would win immunity. When it came down to the men, the last two guys standing were Fabio and Chase. Ultimately though, it would be Chase that drops first, giving Fabio immunity. The only person that Fabio really had to compete against was Jane. This is a great foreshadow to the end of Jane’s store as well as the continuation of Fabio’s. Both of their stories are kind of similar overall, both of them end up on the outs of their starting tribe, they get new life when the swap happens, they're both overall well liked, and they were both screwed over by Chase during the loved ones visit. Both of them had strong cases to win the game just with overall likability, but one of them would have to go to allow the other one to thrive, and when Fabio comes in clutch to win F6 immunity, the majority alliance decides to cut Jane as a threat, allowing Fabio to fully harness Jane’s power to get to the end.
Sash and Chase
Once again I’m going to lump these two together because they are the ones that end up sitting next to Fabio at the end. You have big strategy Sash and country boy Chase. On paper, it should be one of these two that should win the season instead of Fabio. They were both in control for most if not all of the game, and the only reason why Fabio was there was because he won a couple immunities at the end. But yet, Fabio is the one to clutch out the title of sole survivor. Why? In my opinion, it's because Fabio is always himself, so people see him as a genuine guy, while the other two come off as terrible or fake.
Sash's main game is strategy, doing whatever he needs to get ahead of the game and make it farther. Any bond he has with someone is only on a surface level which makes him come off as sleazy and slimy, while Fabio is always genuine with his feelings and relationships with people. No one highlights this better than Marty. Marty’s main relationships involving La Flor were mainly Fabio and Sash. While Fabio always liked Marty and gets to know Marty on a personal level, Sash only really talks to Marty for strategy and cons him out of his idol on the promise of keeping him around longer. And when Sash no longer needed to keep Marty around anymore, he burned him and voted him out. Everything Sash does comes off as slimy to everyone, even his allies, while Fabio remains pure and genuine.
With Chase, it's a bit of a different story. Chase wants to be the good guy, but gets caught up in the strategy, and keeps ending up being on both sides. He always gets flip floppy and wishy washy when it comes to voting someone out or for rewards, which ends up annoying people. It's not a problem at first, but it definitely is when he starts making promises to people that he can’t keep which upsets them more, hurting his image and makes people like him less. The biggest example to this is the loved ones visit where he promised to take Fanio on reward with him if he won. However, Chase ends up burning both Fabio and Jane, who expect Chase to pick her. This leads to both Fabio and Jane being upset, and even Fabio telling Jane about the promise Chase made, which also pissed off Dan who was there. Chase always wants to maintain being the good guy while he is playing the game but struggles because of his indecisions and breaking of promises, while Fabio is actually able to maintain that status all throughout.
This all pays off at FTC, where we finally get to see Fabio speak out against the two guys, talking about how he actually got to play the game that Chase wanted to play. He talks about how played hard by being himself and being an open book for everyone, and never backstabbed anyone in the game which Sash could never do and Chase wishes he could do. He laughs when Sash calls him a wingman, telling him to take a backseat and take some notes. He doesn’t even let jurors who put him down get in his way, as when Alina says that he wants to vote for a man to win, not a boy, Fabio said he deserved to win, and when Chase said that winning three immunities didn’t mean he outwit, outplay, or outlast hi, Fabio points out that that’s outplaying him and he chose to bring Chase to the end and then says that Sash didn’t outplay anyone. I know people usually say that Chase had the better FTC performance since he flipped votes to his side, but that doesn’t matter (and is also wrong) as Fabio will end up clenching a 5-4 victory in one of the best endings to a season I could ever ask for, and that’s awesome.
SMC0629: 5
DryBonesKing: 19
Zanthosus: 20
Tommyroxs45: 15
Regnisyak1: 21
DavidW1208: 7
ninjedi1: 2
Average Placement: 12.714
Total Points: 89
Standard Deviation: 7.889 (3rd Highest)

I can't believe I'm writing this. But I need some insight cause I find myself getting angry and confused. This is my first reddit post. Please excuse my redditor literacy.
This is the most convoluted story. It is long. But it's a ride.
You've been warned.
(Fake names obviously)
I (20f) have a best friend, Karl (20m) of 4 years. Now I see what you might assume. No. We're close but I'm mainly into women, I currently have a partner and have had a partner 90% of the time they where dating.
Now Karl got with Regina(19f) late 2022, the relationship started off rocky as she said "I only want you" but then kissed her ex, and then couldn't decide who she wanted. But still insisted once she chose Karl, she wanted to stay friends with her ex. Posted pictures when they'd "hang out" where it looked like she was sitting on his lap. But she swore she wasn't. Constantly blocked him after things would happen, then unblocked him, lied, then cried when Karl would find out.
Yes. Infuriating. But here you go. That's how Regina was introduced to our lives.
It took a while but eventually I tried to look past this. I care about Karl, if this was who he loved. We accepted it. Infact made it a point to invite her out to gatherings, made sure to offer her food, offer her drinks, chatting. Making sure she's involved. Gassing her up. Girlie things. (God I'm so desperate for everyone to love me it's a problem.)
Then her friends, ex boyfriend began to follow me, I had hoped this was because of how well I'd done to make friends. But this waa short lived.
Originally I'd just hoped it was banter. I'd chat to them, often sending pictures with Regina in her classes and joking with me.
Unfortunately I have social impairments, Slowly it became clear they where just laughing at me, calling me names but with cutesy emojis. Remember the girls in highschool? The ones thatd pretend to be your friend in class because it was funny? Like that.
So i stopped paying attention, often ignoring them. Unfortunately it only got worse. It got to a point I'd be spammed and have my instagram story replies with slurrs, calling me a pdf. File??? (I was talking to someone 6 years older than me?) Weird references, calling me cringe (I know. I know, worst thing ever right.), picking on my hair, my eyes(strabismus), my clothing. So I folded. Told Karl I wouldn't be dealing with it anymore. I'd blocked them, and asked karl To ask Regina to ask her friends to stop contacting me, I was doing my finishing project in college (uk) to get into university and it was getting to point I couldn't focus. I told him what had been happening, that I didn't know what her problem was. But I am a adult woman and this was bizarre.
Now, that alone. I forgave and in time, forgot. She had allegedly appologized "for them" and didn't know any of that was happening and had no I'll intent and hoped we could still be friends. Okay, sure.
Weird semi important point: she confessed in a groupchat that she used to be a 'chav' I said " you do look like someone who'd have bullied me" Banter. She then posted on her Instagram story (Paraphrased by memory) "When someone says you look like someone who'd have bullied them- but your friend died" I can't remember, but it was along the lines of that kind of 'what the fuck does that even mean'
Upon a later night of drinking, regina was talking to Karl about the ex, Mike. I brang up the fact her ex boyfriend kept liking my photos and was following me Hoping to bond over the fact this guy was weird, common girly bonding
"You know he only follows you so he could make fun of you and how cringe your posts are". She laughs.
The group goes quiet and holy shit I'm embarrassed. I just internalise that and change the subject.
Later I repost a reel of a guy saying something vaugely corresponding to this convosation. Basic premise when someone tells you their friend talks shit about you, then obviously you ask "why do they do that to you" (I know childish but at this point I was starting to really dislike her. My friend had sent it to me, It was late.) When i say She launched, "if you've got a problem talk to me instead of being weird and I'd tell you I was so scared of Mike and he held such a power over me and I just let him chat shit" I'd love to just mention this is after the 2nd time she'd unblocked him to talk to him behind Karl's back. I put up with it. Karl is at this point family. And if this is who he loves. We have to love her too.
This is all important to the point I swear.
Anyway.
My partners (now ex) friend Frank (22) and us fell out. Unimportant to this story but he let me know, Regina and an old very close friend had a groupchat to say very unpleasant things about me in, despite this old friend I never stopped speaking well of. Hoping we'd find eachother again. He'd been scouted when we had fallen out. But respected me enough to tell me. Another confrontation where she is so misunderstood and I'm making a big deal out of nothing and she's never ever had a problem with me.
Okay. Talked to Karl again. He is shocked but takes her word. As I'd kinda expect. Its his girlfriend. He took her to London over my birthday, he didn't want to ruin it. So he gave it up.
Karl throughout this is withdrawing from us. When he's with us it's like the light is gone from his eyes. He's distracted, quiet, doesn't laugh as much. Often tries to slip out of meetups because he'll "only bring you guys down". He's constantly picking up his phone. Constantly messaging. Cancelling plans. He won't talk to us. We where all worried.
Karl few months later calls me for advice. Turns out she kept getting caught in lies about her ex and general behaviours. Ignoring him for days again, threatening to game quit if she doesn't get the attention she wants. It'd all gotten so tiring that he didn't have any attraction to her anymore. He had no sex drive. He dreaded seeing her. But had to constantly message her. He's been feeling like this for months. Karl didn't want to leave her just before her birthday, he felt it cruel. But then it was the anniversary coming up. He didn't want to be responsible. He'd tried gifts, trips, anything just to make her happy. No matter what he did he still felt like nothing was enough. I managed to talk him through. About threatening suicide if someone wants to leave, is indeed abuse. He wasn't himself. How we felt and how we where worried. He got choked up. Not realizing anyone cared. He asked if he should leave. I asked if he was happy. "I can't imagine not having her there." Okay no. Not what I asked. Eventually he confessed He'd never felt lower. I said. Can you see yourself marrying her? No. Infact he said the thourght freaked him out. I said. Well. Why are you with her. Eventually it got to a point He left her. She said she'd been thinking about it. Yay? No 12 hours later he calls me saying its all fixed. Its all okay. How He's a horrible person for doing this to her. How it's him that needs to change. How he will spend a long time making this up to her. You know. I'm a domestic abuse survivor. But I never realized how much hearing that killed abit of my sould. Trying to convince Karl that he's worth anything is like trying to convince a deaf non signing American Conservative that the gays aren't trying to make him gay too.
They do eventually a few months later split. She says she wants to breakup as he "doesn't love her the way she wants him to" he is hurt but says okay. She then obviously realizes hey, he isn't gonna start begging on his knees. You can only hurt someone so much. She then asks "breakup sex" directly after and to this day its our favourite quote. But he says no, she asks for one more night, he says no you just broke up with me? Leave? She complains about not being able to get to the train station. Now. Karl didn't have his licence till a few weeks later. So queue the weirdest car ride with his DAD you've ever heard of. She cried. Hugged him. Begged him to reconsider. Karl officially has realized how disconnected he's become. Nah.
Queue a weird amount of messages ranging between "I'm sorry baby" to "I CANT BELIEVE YOURE GIVING UP ON US" and sexually charged messages, After karl finally blocks her. She begins to call him from various different numbers. Tries to get with his friends. Fails. Still calls him crying for the next 6 months. In which these events happen.
Frank from before. Now it turns out. While we don't have full timeline but either weirdly around the time they broke up they got /very/ close. To the point despite Frank having a partner. She was begging him to sleep with her. But Being weird with it. One minute she wants him. Next she doesn't. Basically, she loves the idea that she could have him. But doesn't want to keep any of them. Frank had a girlfriend. Goddess of a lady. Daisy. Regina proceeded to pick on every little thing to Frank about daisy she could. Always. Physical appearance.
Then. Now I am simply not making this up. after Frank separates himself from this situation. Regina begins to harrass Daisy, With telling Daisy about how much Frank's missing out on not shagging her instead.
And making 6 different instagram accounts to harrass them, and this is where I come in further.
Regina now, after the hate group chooses some last straws she can pull to drag him back. She makes a fake account. Goes to message Frank. With the opener of gossip about me and my partners sex life. I talked to Regina less times than I can Count on one hand.
The main one I'm aware of is "Did you know my partner drinks my names piss" Which I'm not here to kink shame; but this does not happen unfortunately but i still find it beautiful of a statement.
I one day due to some more harassment and more attention than I'm used to.
Decide to private my instagram. It was only for 24 hours in full so I could change some settings and archive some things. Within 15. An account. David, requests to follow. Strange. Cause my account is shadow banned and cannot be shown to non followers. I click. Heavens foretold dear friends. Regina's new boo. Id like to clarify. 2 weeks before Karl was still getting snotty teary calls telling him she misses him. Karl's friends where sending screenshots of Regina trying it on with them then getting snotty when she was rightfully laughed at.
I ask "hi??"
"Hi me and my girlfriend just wanted to stalk how cringe your posts are" I wish I could have been funny and not caught off guard. And shamed them. Oh god. I wish I had. Basically I told him, the gym is waiting. She will chew you up. Idk what I did but I'm sorry. Godamn. Leave me be. And they said "It's not that deep lighten up" I am indeed embarrassed.
But they kept mentioning my workplace. I am a bartender, and one day she did come in with a man, they seems very loved up but then again. It certainly wasn't this guy. then said bad things about me infront of a coworker. It was a little satisfying seeing her face fall and hit the table from shame as I was carrying an ice bucket past her. She was already cut off at this point for her antics.
David's best friends memepage now follows me. But has been the first out of 5 accounts not to say anything. I'm sure they think I don't know. David claimed I was lying in my encounter. I do wonder if I could flip the table entirely.
but I also wonder if she's just very mentally unwell. But it's been 1.5 years of this and I'm just abit knackered and pissed off.
I'm 20 feeling like a highschooler. But I'm working for a bipolar diagnosis and I have ADHD, the paranoia. Is driving me up the wall man. Like this woman knows enough of my details and she's spread where I work. She's been to my house. She has clearly gotten multiple people involves historically and despite me trying to apologise, it makes no difference.
If I knew what the issue was, I'd gauge it. But it's not knowing and not being told. But it's reassuring it's not just me. With daisy, I'm wondering if this is historic. Might be vanity? She (used to?) Post alot of ...suggestive photography and always wears a lingerie corset and heavy makeup, filters. Nothing wrong with that of course but she's a very sexually orientated person, and given the contexts to that behaviour. I wonder if its to cover some in depth issues. But that's just a theory. Part of feels hey, if she needs men to tell her that I am ugly, cringe and worth nothing. Then she van have that. The other half makes me want vengeance for the boy, prove that I'm not whatever she'd been making me out to be and make her realize she needs to change. But that's. abit pathetic innit.
Anyway I doubt anyones made it this far and if you have. Thank you for reading my story and the weirdness of it. I hope it hasn't been too shit. Just needed to get it off my chest. And maybe if anyone has anything to say.
TLDR: my best friends ex has always had an issue despite my efforts. Getting various people to harrass and bully me, She tried to get with his friends, other guys we knew and harrassing us all. All while still crying she misses him. Her new bf thinks I'm lying and is joining in, his best friend now follows me too. My partner allegedly drinks my piss <3

Throwaway because my girlfriend knows my main. So as it states in the title, I (A 27-year-old man) have a girlfriend (a 27-year-old woman) of 3 years. We met through a mutual friend who had been insistent on introducing the two of us because we would, and I quote “automatically fall in love”
Well he was right, that son of a bitch. The moment I met her I knew I would never meet anyone else like her. I stand firm on my belief that she is too pure for this world, she is an eternally kind and loving person. She is the kind of person to give you the food on her plate even it means she starves. I assume that's a trait that comes from growing up as the oldest daughter in a house of 6 brothers. But nevertheless, she's the best person I know and I love her to death.
Now, here is where my problem comes into play. My girlfriend is a songwriter, she writes songs and sells them, and works with different artists on different projects. Recently, she has been working on an album with this guy, Alex. I was first introduced to him about two months ago when she brought him and his band over for dinner, me and my girlfriend cooked it together and even taught one of the bandmates how to make bread from scratch. It was a wonderful night and I was thankful to be able to be a part of my girlfriend's job like that. As for Alex, he seemed like a decent guy, very much a jokester as he had most of us laughing the entire time. Just seems like a very good guy.
My problem started around week two of knowing him. My girlfriend came home practically jumping for joy as she told me she was going to be singing on one of the songs. Alex had apparently asked her to do a duet with him. I was over the moon excited for her, she has a beautiful singing voice, and its one of the things I love about her. She told me that they were going to be recording the next day and she would love it if I stopped by. I didn't think twice before agreeing and when I went the next day I was in awe of her. I stood outside of the booth, next to this couch where the other bandmates were. Alex and her were both in the recording booth. I remember just listening to my girlfriend and all of a sudden I caught a glance of the look on Alex’s face and to say he was completely entranced would be an understatement. He was looking at her with this look that I can't even begin to explain but it was just like he was completely captivated by her. I brushed it off after that because knowing my girlfriend it's hard not to be just in awe of her. I didn't think too much about it for about another week.
Until I got a call from a buddy of mine, he called me and told me to check Alex’s Instagram story. I did and the first thing I see is a picture of my girlfriend in the studio with the words “If I'm dreaming, never wake me up” and a pink heart emoji. My friend is practically fuming saying things like “That's so rude, why would he do that, he knows she is dating you, etc.” I immediately tell my friend to calm down, because it's not the most damaging post ever and in hindsight, it could be a joke. I brought it up to my girlfriend later and she told me that he verbally said that to his friends and everyone laughed so she knows it was a joke that he put it as the caption. I just accepted that answer and moved on.
Then a couple of days after that, we all went out for drinks as a little celebration of my girlfriend and Alex finishing the song. My girlfriend and I excused ourselves to get more drinks, we got them and she told me she was going to the restroom so I should go back to the table. I was walking to the table when I overheard them talking. It was dark and there was a good crowd so I don't think they saw me walking up. But I overheard this exchange;
Guy 1: “She literally brought him, what don’t you get?”
Alex: “It's not like they're married. Plus she hardly talks about him, maybe she's bored.”
Guy 1: “That doesn't mean she wants you.”
Alex: “It's worth a shot.”
I kind of slowed my steps, not really processing what I was hearing. My immediate thought was the optimistic “Maybe they're talking about someone else?” But when I later got home I realized the obvious, my girlfriend was the only girl there. Who else could they be talking about? Again, I tried to brush it off. I didn't want to be the guy who didn’t trust his girlfriend.
Then the second shoe finally came down. About two days ago, I was on a call with this guy, I'll call him Tim. Tim is the assistant manager for the band, and has been the only one I seriously became friends with out of these band guys. I was on the phone with him yesterday and we were chatting about miscellaneous things and it was casual. Until I brought up my girlfriend. I told him how excited she was about this album. Tim got quiet and his voice started to get a bit guilty. I asked him what was wrong and that's when the dam broke. He told me about how Alex had been telling people he is in love with my girlfriend a long time. How almost all the love songs on the album, which Alex has said to my face were about an ex of his, were really about my girlfriend. Tim told me that he constantly talks about getting her away from me, and how he could give her a better life. With fancier things and luxurious vacations. I was sick to my stomach.
I'm a pretty normal guy, I think I'm decently attractive, I take good care of myself, and work out a good amount. I try to give my girlfriend the best things but I'm a junior associate at my law firm, so I make at best 50,000 a year. I give her everything I can even when she doesn't ask for it and the thought that it might not be enough just kills me. Tim was extremely apologetic for not telling me sooner, and I forgave him, I can understand the situation. After the call, I couldn't shake this nagging anxiety. I love my girlfriend, she has never given me a reason not to trust her. I believe that she would never in a million years cheat on me, or even consider it. So it's not her I am particularly worried about. I don't even want to be worried in general, I trust her, and I love her. But there's this nagging feeling of just anxiety I get at all times of the day. I feel helpless to do anything because I don't want to tell her this and ruin one of the best music opportunities she's ever had. Something which she is so excited about. I just can't stand this worthless feeling, this feeling like I'm not enough for her or that I need to do more. Call me insecure, I probably am. I just can't stand to lose her. It would probably kill me. So what should I do? I'll take any advice at this point.
TL;DR: My girlfriend's coworker is in love with her and actively is trying to win her over. I love and trust my grilfriend but I am still feeling poorly about this. What should I do?

Not sure where else I can go to put this out there. But I have been feeling both miserable and guilty as of late.
To start, I had to move back home due to living situations changing. The housemate I was living with is/was an alcoholic and started stealing my mouthwash and going through my stuff to try and find something, anything, with alcohol in it. So, I left there and moved back home. Then, a few months ago I got laid off and found a new job, but at a significant pay cut, so still getting used to that.
Last month or so, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, and I have been helping where I can, though being a temp/contractor and having a job that (while remote) is time demanding, I have not been able to help as much as I would like. Add to that the level of noise in the house, whether it is from my niece who is here 3-4 times per week, or the dog running up and down the stairs and barking at everything and nothing, or my parents having full-blown conversations with each other while on different levels of the house, and I can hardly get a quiet moment.
The guilt that I have is that I have conflicted feelings. I would quite literally much rather be anywhere else than here, if only so that I can work in peace and quiet, but also being glad that I am here since it gives me time with my dad.
The misery I am feeling also stems from this, since even though I am with family I still can't help but feel utterly alone. I got out of an almost-one-year relationship about 2 months ago. I thought it was going well, until she told me that she wasn't feeling it and didn't reciprocate my feelings. To be clear, I appreciate that she told me and I harbor no anger or ill will toward her. We are still friends, though seeing her still hurts. I am not in a position, really, to be able to have a relationship since I don't have my own space. What hurts even more, however, is being told by the last 3 women that I have had a relationship with, all lasting around a year, that while there is nothing wrong with me and that I am good enough as I am, it just wasn't working out for whatever reason.
Now, I don't subscribe to the "nice guy" mentality. I try and do the best I can, and I know that I fail on occasion and that there is always room for improvement. I like to think that I am at least on the good side of the spectrum, and try to be kind and respectful whenever I can. But being told that due to having certain physical limitations I cannot be the right partner, or being told by the last person I was with that she wanted to have kids, just not with me, has taken more of a toll on my self-confidence and my mental state than even I probably know.
I am 38, and I am too tired to play relationship games. Ultimately, I would like to find my person and get married again and share the ret of my life with that person, but I don't see how any of that can happen right now. Add to that the fact that I am divorced (happened before these other relationships) and that woman decided I wasn't enough and cheated on me, more than once, and said some pretty hurtful things (some of which were repeated by these other 3 women, albeit without the venom and vitriol of me ex-wife) and any confidence I thought I had was just... shattered.
I am trying to work on myself, and trying to do the best I can, but I feel so... defeated, and alone. And trapped. I am trying to pay down some of my debt so I can save up and get my own place, and in the interim trying to help out at home, but I feel like every day more and more of my self is being lost. I feel everything, yet I feel nothing, and I cannot as of now reconcile these thoughts or feelings. I have nowhere I can go to get these feelings off my chest or out of my head. I am looking at going back to therapy, but right now because of my finances I cannot afford regular visits, even with insurance, and still be able to try and work down my debts so that I can at least have that level of freedom in the next year or so.
All I can say, to those who have been my partner, is I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I was not good enough to remain at your side
I'm sorry that I could not be the partner you feel you needed
I'm sorry that I was not enough
I'm sorry that my best wasn't good enough
I'm sorry that I crave attention and physical contact since that was denied me for so long
I'm sorry that on paper we are a match, but in reality we are not
I'm sorry that I wasn't enough to satisfy your wants or needs and that you felt you needed to look elsewhere
I hold nothing against these women (save for my cheating ex-wife) but damn if being told these things, or seeing them unfold in front of me, didn't hurt or didn't shake me to my core. I have only ever tried to be the best partner I could be, supporting them in everything they did, but still being told it wasn't enough. That _I_ wasn't enough. What more can I do? And at this point, why do I even try?

For about 2 years I have done nothing. I have been unemployed and have had an income through government supports which i no longer have and have lost my house my cats and my girlfriend. In December I stopped taking my medications because I was sure they were causing my issues. It seems like all my issues sky rocketed once I took risperidone for a few months. I feel like I have no personality, no thoughts, no feelings, except rage and distress. My life feels like a constant state of being in agony in my mind. I read and read and read and all I come to find is that apathy is permanent and you can't get rid of it. If this is the case why should I keep on living. What life is this? I can't do anything because I don't know what to do or rather I think why do anything. If my existence as a human is lacking the part what makes it a human experience then why do I exist. My whole life ive been babied. Mother paying my bills when I cant and making appointments for me and what not.
Ive spent so much time on NPD or ASPD or schizoid or AvPD that I'm convinced I have some sort of cluster b personality disorder and all I can think of is why would I even try to live my life when I am nothing more than a walking pathology and don't really have a personality just a brain that works off IF statements like a line of code.
People get to experience life without having to second guess themselves all the time but that's the only thing I can do, to the point where i simply don't do anything because I'm not really doing anything I'm just acting.
I cold turkeryed lamotragine, sertraline and this other medications for sleep, I can't even remember what I was on and now I feel like I have brain damage. I can't think I can't enjoy anything I cant feel love for anyone, but I also wonder if I ever did. And it's debilitating, I constantly wonder If I ever was someone with a "soul" or if I have always been just a robot with a reactionary function to the world. If this person says this then say this back. Everything seems so fake and unreal and I honestly think I have a block in-between my brain and reality.
When I got evicted I moved into my friends parents place where he stays and now I'm stuck and can't stand it anymore. Was he even my friend though or just someone who also partied alot. I don't want to be around people I don't want to have to explain to these Christians that I can't just go to church and be cured and that my depression is a choice. For the past 2 years I've been stuck in some purgatory state and it doesn't make any sense how any living being could even feel this way. It's literally hell on earth.
I cant move out because I don't have an income and I can't get an income because in all honesty If I had a job I would quit after a week. 1 year ago I almost had a job and I did an interview and the first day of work on the way there I turned around went home and blocked all the phone numbers associated with it.
I cant get supports because by the time I'm half way through the process I realize nothing matters reality isn't real my thoughts are fake I'm a psychopath anyway so why would I bother. I applied in December and didn't follow up and just did it again. 2 weeks ago.
When I graduated in 2019 I was drinking every weekend and in 2021 started trying drugs with my best friend, we did mushrooms and acid a couple times and a few times molly on the weekends. I've been drinking since grade 9, not every weekend but any chance I could, every party, every family event and holiday. Around 2020 I became a pothead and I would smoke insane amounts of weed, some days I smoked 3.5 grams a day some days I smoked 7 grams a day but more or less from 2020 to 2023 I would smoke non stop with no breaks unless around peopoe who disaproved, waking up in the night to smoke ,sometimes twice. I also took shrooms every like 3 months for a year or so and would be able to say that I've done them 3 times a year atleast from 2020 to 2023. All while being on these meds that I have been convince are neurotoxic and designed to give you brain damage. Oh and I've tried cocaine 3 times in the last year aswell. Never did much of it tho.
So I've lost all hope in living a life that is human. I feel void of myself I don't know who I am, I constantly feel like I'm pretending and acting to be human and can't connect with anyone and they would never know I feel this way.
The past 2 years I have don't nothing but sit at home with my blinds closed and hope no one is going to knock on my door as I sit for I hours a day staring at my phone googling and resding reddit and coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of psychosis or skitzophrenia or paranoia. My friends will call and I'll watch it ring until it stops and won't reply to my family. Because whats the point in trying to be human when I am no longer a human thanks to the cognitive issues I have to face.
And there's no hope online. You have anhedonia? It's the same everywhere I look, people replying to other people's posts or articles with "same here been 20 years now." So what's the point. How am I to know if it's depression or ASPD or NPD or Permanent Apathy from being chronically staring at my phone since I was 14 and watching gore and porn since I was that age. There's no knowing, there's no certainty in my own cognition or personality, not that i have one anymore. It's like do I have this cluster b? Who knows because if I did I wouldn't let a therapist know because I'm scared I do so I don't touch on it. Everything is a loop and a pardox of mental illnesses. I should have never read anything and I could have just been like "yup I'm depressed" now I have to worry if I should even try.
I moved to this place I'm in in december and just threw all my belongings in a room and I walked over everything until a couple weeks ago I threw out thousands of dollars worth of stuff because it's in the way and I dont have my own place anymore so things don't have a designated place. Threw out my computer, my tv, my model cars and all the model building supplies I had, airbrushes compressors hundreds of paints and brushes and clamps and just so much shit because those are people things let alone the human aspect of putting them somewhere.
Now I have cloths and a phone so running away will be easier. But where to go? Food costs money, I'm just tired of not feeling like a human and realizing everything I owned was just part of the act anyway. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. It's all that goes through my head all day long even if I did I wouldn't know it because I'm too far gone and it would be second guessed. I've now hyperfocused on the fact that laying down and staring at my phone for 2 years straight has, if not amplified, solidified my brain damage beyond repair. Because I feel nothing all day I just stare at my phone. But I can't do that anymore because now I'm expected to be a human in this household that I no longer want to be in. I'm completely isolated and I prefer that but I don't but I do but I don't but I do. It's like I want to be able to have friends and connect with someone but that's impossible because I'm just some empty emotionless husk with pure apathy and so I don't know what to do anymore.
I could get back on meds but isn't that the cause of this. The chemical lobotomy at its finest, causing you to need more of itself.
I dont see any hope anywhere because I want to be someone who has emotions but I have none and I want to be someone who has a human experience but I am not one. What do I do? Suicide? No there's ways to cope. I don't want to cope. What the fuck? You think coping with hell on earth is better than dieing? Why would I cope when all I have then is to look around at the world going "oh look that person feels this, thats something I can't do" because that's all that goes in inside.
I just say what I think someone is expecting to hear and then I think we'll isn't that what everyone is doing? Their all saying the same shit anyway but then I think we'll no they say what they say because they feel a certain way. Something I can't do, feel. Because im a sociopath. Being out if this household could help I'm sure but that's not even fathomable. Even with supports at max I can't afford a ppace of my own. I'd have to rent a room with a stranger, but it's funny because even those who aren't strangers are strangers now.
I shower once a week because why would I shower that's a human thing. I am not human anymore. I am void of humanity.
23 and dead. Who would have thought.
No one understands any of this so I just say I'm depressed and they think i shoukd try therapy and meds. Whats that going to do? Give my sociopathic brain the ability to not be a sociopath? If only they knew what distress and pain I feel every second of every day.
Ontop of all that even I was able to come back to myself it's just constant ocd of where should I place this and when or what or where should I do and what's the most optimized way to do this or that and why is that there instead of here and how do I know if here or there is better.
So now I guess I'll go back on ssris, and go back to thinking I'm poisoning myself and then repeat this cycle until death.
I'm just gonna run away and start stealing to eat because nothing matters anyway

For about 2 years I have done nothing. I have been unemployed and have had an income through government supports which i no longer have and have lost my house my cats and my girlfriend. In December I stopped taking my medications because I was sure they were causing my issues. It seems like all my issues sky rocketed once I took risperidone for a few months. I feel like I have no personality, no thoughts, no feelings, except rage and distress. My life feels like a constant state of being in agony in my mind. I read and read and read and all I come to find is that apathy is permanent and you can't get rid of it. If this is the case why should I keep on living. What life is this? I can't do anything because I don't know what to do or rather I think why do anything. If my existence as a human is lacking the part what makes it a human experience then why do I exist. My whole life ive been babied. Mother paying my bills when I cant and making appointments for me and what not.
Ive spent so much time on NPD or ASPD or schizoid or AvPD that I'm convinced I have some sort of cluster b personality disorder and all I can think of is why would I even try to live my life when I am nothing more than a walking pathology and don't really have a personality just a brain that works off IF statements like a line of code.
People get to experience life without having to second guess themselves all the time but that's the only thing I can do, to the point where i simply don't do anything because I'm not really doing anything I'm just acting.
I cold turkeryed lamotragine, sertraline and this other medications for sleep, I can't even remember what I was on and now I feel like I have brain damage. I can't think I can't enjoy anything I cant feel love for anyone, but I also wonder if I ever did. And it's debilitating, I constantly wonder If I ever was someone with a "soul" or if I have always been just a robot with a reactionary function to the world. If this person says this then say this back. Everything seems so fake and unreal and I honestly think I have a block in-between my brain and reality.
When I got evicted I moved into my friends parents place where he stays and now I'm stuck and can't stand it anymore. Was he even my friend though or just someone who also partied alot. I don't want to be around people I don't want to have to explain to these Christians that I can't just go to church and be cured and that my depression is a choice. For the past 2 years I've been stuck in some purgatory state and it doesn't make any sense how any living being could even feel this way. It's literally hell on earth.
I cant move out because I don't have an income and I can't get an income because in all honesty If I had a job I would quit after a week. 1 year ago I almost had a job and I did an interview and the first day of work on the way there I turned around went home and blocked all the phone numbers associated with it.
I cant get supports because by the time I'm half way through the process I realize nothing matters reality isn't real my thoughts are fake I'm a psychopath anyway so why would I bother. I applied in December and didn't follow up and just did it again. 2 weeks ago.
When I graduated in 2019 I was drinking every weekend and in 2021 started trying drugs with my best friend, we did mushrooms and acid a couple times and a few times molly on the weekends. I've been drinking since grade 9, not every weekend but any chance I could, every party, every family event and holiday. Around 2020 I became a pothead and I would smoke insane amounts of weed, some days I smoked 3.5 grams a day some days I smoked 7 grams a day but more or less from 2020 to 2023 I would smoke non stop with no breaks unless around peopoe who disaproved, waking up in the night to smoke ,sometimes twice. I also took shrooms every like 3 months for a year or so and would be able to say that I've done them 3 times a year atleast from 2020 to 2023. All while being on these meds that I have been convince are neurotoxic and designed to give you brain damage. Oh and I've tried cocaine 3 times in the last year aswell. Never did much of it tho.
So I've lost all hope in living a life that is human. I feel void of myself I don't know who I am, I constantly feel like I'm pretending and acting to be human and can't connect with anyone and they would never know I feel this way.
The past 2 years I have don't nothing but sit at home with my blinds closed and hope no one is going to knock on my door as I sit for I hours a day staring at my phone googling and resding reddit and coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of psychosis or skitzophrenia or paranoia. My friends will call and I'll watch it ring until it stops and won't reply to my family. Because whats the point in trying to be human when I am no longer a human thanks to the cognitive issues I have to face.
And there's no hope online. You have anhedonia? It's the same everywhere I look, people replying to other people's posts or articles with "same here been 20 years now." So what's the point. How am I to know if it's depression or ASPD or NPD or Permanent Apathy from being chronically staring at my phone since I was 14 and watching gore and porn since I was that age. There's no knowing, there's no certainty in my own cognition or personality, not that i have one anymore. It's like do I have this cluster b? Who knows because if I did I wouldn't let a therapist know because I'm scared I do so I don't touch on it. Everything is a loop and a pardox of mental illnesses. I should have never read anything and I could have just been like "yup I'm depressed" now I have to worry if I should even try.
I moved to this place I'm in in december and just threw all my belongings in a room and I walked over everything until a couple weeks ago I threw out thousands of dollars worth of stuff because it's in the way and I dont have my own place anymore so things don't have a designated place. Threw out my computer, my tv, my model cars and all the model building supplies I had, airbrushes compressors hundreds of paints and brushes and clamps and just so much shit because those are people things let alone the human aspect of putting them somewhere.
Now I have cloths and a phone so running away will be easier. But where to go? Food costs money, I'm just tired of not feeling like a human and realizing everything I owned was just part of the act anyway. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. It's all that goes through my head all day long even if I did I wouldn't know it because I'm too far gone and it would be second guessed. I've now hyperfocused on the fact that laying down and staring at my phone for 2 years straight has, if not amplified, solidified my brain damage beyond repair. Because I feel nothing all day I just stare at my phone. But I can't do that anymore because now I'm expected to be a human in this household that I no longer want to be in. I'm completely isolated and I prefer that but I don't but I do but I don't but I do. It's like I want to be able to have friends and connect with someone but that's impossible because I'm just some empty emotionless husk with pure apathy and so I don't know what to do anymore.
I could get back on meds but isn't that the cause of this. The chemical lobotomy at its finest, causing you to need more of itself.
I dont see any hope anywhere because I want to be someone who has emotions but I have none and I want to be someone who has a human experience but I am not one. What do I do? Suicide? No there's ways to cope. I don't want to cope. What the fuck? You think coping with hell on earth is better than dieing? Why would I cope when all I have then is to look around at the world going "oh look that person feels this, thats something I can't do" because that's all that goes in inside.
I just say what I think someone is expecting to hear and then I think we'll isn't that what everyone is doing? Their all saying the same shit anyway but then I think we'll no they say what they say because they feel a certain way. Something I can't do, feel. Because im a sociopath. Being out if this household could help I'm sure but that's not even fathomable. Even with supports at max I can't afford a ppace of my own. I'd have to rent a room with a stranger, but it's funny because even those who aren't strangers are strangers now.
I shower once a week because why would I shower that's a human thing. I am not human anymore. I am void of humanity.
23 and dead. Who would have thought.
No one understands any of this so I just say I'm depressed and they think i shoukd try therapy and meds. Whats that going to do? Give my sociopathic brain the ability to not be a sociopath? If only they knew what distress and pain I feel every second of every day.
Ontop of all that even I was able to come back to myself it's just constant ocd of where should I place this and when or what or where should I do and what's the most optimized way to do this or that and why is that there instead of here and how do I know if here or there is better.
So now I guess I'll go back on ssris, and go back to thinking I'm poisoning myself and then repeat this cycle until death.
I'm just gonna run away and start stealing to eat because nothing matters anyway

I, 35 female, had been in an on again off again relationship with my boyfriend, 45 male, for the last 3 years. I won't bore you with the details of how we met and what went on for the last 3 years of our relationship, I'm just going to get to the point.
Back in late September 2023, my boyfriend moved to Iowa. We had just gotten back together when he sprung that on me and I was rather upset at first but knew that he was only moving because it was for his mental health. Living in the big city can be very costly and stressful, so I understood his reasoning. I did not go with him and figured we would go our separate ways. Fast forward four months later and I get a message from him through Facebook messenger asking me to call him. I call him and learned rather quickly that he had been drinking but he was asking why I suddenly ghosted him by not replying back to his texts or calls. For context, I never blocked his number.
I told him that I did not get any of his texts or calls. He asked me why I never tried reaching out to him and I explained that I thought him moving away and not staying in contact meant the end of our relationship. We had a lengthy conversation that night and he asked me to come visit him. I told him that I will consider it but would need to build up some PTO as I had just started a new job and didn't want to risk anything during my first 90 days. We stayed in touch after that, calling each other daily and talking on the phone for hours just catching up and going over mutual interests and so on until I've built up enough PTO to go visit him.
You may wonder why I was the one to go visit him in Iowa. Firstly, he wanted me to see the town he had decided to settle in. Secondly, we had discussed resuming our relationship and possibly having me move out there as it was out of the question for him to move back to the city where I live. I understood his reasoning for moving but felt that leaving the life I have behind for him felt a bit extreme. But I kept an open mind about Iowa and went to visit (side note, there are no direct flights to where he moved to. I had to fly to Chicago, which is a 2.5 hour drive away and he had to rent a car to pick me up). I spent a four day weekend with him, and I'm not going to lie and say that it was magical and romantic because it's Iowa. Seeing him again, however, brought back all the feelings I had for him and I realized just how much I had missed him.
I honestly didn't see much during my visit as it wasn't a dense town like I would see back home, as everything was very spread out. That should have been my very first clue to the kind of life it was like. It was very quiet and peaceful, which was a change. Unlike the city where it was always busy and sirens going off in the distance was a constant, at night it's dead silent. It was definitely a change in pace and I was more or less charmed, but not impressed. My weekend visit was over before we knew it and I returned home back to the life I was most comfortable with.
My boyfriend and I resumed our daily phone calls, but I noticed our conversations began to shift towards me moving out to Iowa. And in truth I was swayed by the idea of leaving the big city for small town life, however, my biggest hesitation was job security. I work in the medical field and finding a job with my skill-sets wasn't a huge challenge aside from the lack of urgency of callbacks from the jobs I had applied to. My boyfriend reassured me that it was just how things were in Iowa, that unlike the city, the businesses moved through a system that was much slower than what I was used to. I had my doubts but then again I didn't know much about the hiring process in the mid-west. My boyfriend then said it would probably go a lot faster if I was actually in the area (which I was skeptical about but didn't comment). I knew he just wanted me there with him and, at that time, I wanted to be with him because I had truly believed that we had talked through our past issues and were now on the same wavelength of what we wanted as a couple moving forward.
Boy was I in for a rude awakening.
I literally packed up my life into my SUV. I didn't take any furniture with me knowing that what my boyfriend lacked we could always buy. It took me 3 days of driving to reach Iowa and I had never thought I'd be so happy to be in Iowa or all places, but I was. I was blinded by hopes and dreams of a happy life with the man I thought I was in love with. I should mention that I have been saving money for a down payment on a house for the last 5 years and have managed to save $20k. It has been a personal goal, not dream, for myself to be a homeowner, not because I want that white picket fence dream, but because I simply want a home that is truly MY home. I want a safe space that truly feels mine and have it reflect the type of person that I am, instead of apartments where I would have to return the space to the manufactured setting once I leave.
Now, the housing market in Iowa is relatively cheap compared to Washington. And when I saw the cheap listings, cheap as in less than $200k for a 3 bedroom 2 bath, move-in ready house I was ready to commit my new life in Iowa with my boyfriend. At first, my boyfriend was very supportive of my house hunting, he knew that it was personal goal of mine and had always said how he admired my ambition to become a home owner. I got in touch with a realtor agent who collaborated with me on what my boyfriend and I were looking for in a home. I probably saw about a dozen houses within my first 2 weeks since arriving to Iowa and I actually found a house that we both really liked. I was ready to put in an offer when my boyfriend suddenly told me that he didn't want to become a home owner, saying that it was too much of a commitment that he never wants to make.
It gave me pause, and though I was very disappointed in having to put aside a goal I made for myself, I half-heartedly agreed. It was then things started to unravel between us and his mood just quickly declined. I should note that my boyfriend has diagnosed PTSD from childhood trauma and he has a tendency to become anxious and agitated when stressed out. The days that followed I had noticed a shift in him and because he works from home, I just assumed it was because his work was stressing him out.
I tried to be a good girlfriend by staying out of his way while he was working and try to be as quiet as possible while at home. I would try to help out with small things like letting the dogs out to relieve themselves and take them on short walks. I tried to be mindful to not make a mess. Along with my boyfriend's anxiety and mental health struggles he also has OCD, and while back in Seattle I had noticed he liked to keep a clean home, out in Iowa it had become abundantly clear that the smallest mess would upset him.
His bad mood only worsened. One day, while he was folding laundry, I asked him if there was anything he'd like me to do around the house because I wanted to be helpful. He said "If you see a mess, clean it." That came off as truly strange to me.
"Do you want me to vacuum or clean the bathrooms?" I asked.
He looked at me like what I had asked was the dumbest question he had ever heard and snapped at me with: "If you see a mess, clean it. You're not 12 years old, you're not being paid an allowance to do simple chores. You're an adult, you should already know what to do."
What he said embarrassed me and made me feel so small and inferior, but it also truly angered me. Where was all this hostility suddenly coming from? I didn't want to start a fight over chores and simply helped him fold the laundry. We eventually had a talk, which turned into him going on a tangent about how he requires to keep a clean and sterile house, that "everything has its place" in the house. He then went on about not wanting the commitment of home ownership and that he has no intentions of ever returning to Seattle. He told me how all my stuff cluttering the bedroom and office is taking a toll on his mental health and that it's my job to make sure that they're all put away so he doesn't have to see them (mind you, I was still unpacking and with limited storage space the rest of my belongings are still packed away).
Then he suggested something that blindsided me. He suggested that I possibly look for my own place so that we live separately and slowly integrate into each other's lives again. It was then that I took account of all the red flags that had sprung up from before I foolishly packed up my life to be with this man that I suddenly no longer loved. It was as if a switch in me had been flipped and all those feelings of affection just left my system. I told him that what he was proposing wasn't possible because I was struggling to find employment and didn't want to waste my savings on a brand new lease, especially since I was just added onto his lease.
I tried to find a middle ground with him, especially when it came to my personal belongings. I knew that he was talking about my makeup being out on the counter. Mind you, my second day in Iowa, we had gone to Costco where I found a makeup organizer and purchased it. All my makeup fits neatly in it and isn't scattered all over the place, he just doesn't like seeing them. That still wasn't good enough for him but I had to point it out to him by saying "I live here, too. It's only fair that I should feel like this is my home."
After that, the tension between us only got worse. He would have angry outbursts over the smallest inconveniences and prioritize more on his "mental and physical health" than work on our rapidly deteriorating relationship. I'm also at fault for not trying harder to talk things out but after he suggested I find my own place I subconsciously knew our relationship was over, on top of that, I was also emotionally drained and feeling depressed.
Now moving to the present, I had finally secured a job that would be opening a clinic nearby, meaning I wouldn't have to waste gas as much and would finally be able to contribute financially to the household. When I told my boyfriend the news it was received with a rather lackluster response but I still held out hope that once I start working and be out of the house more things might mellow out. Then, over the weekend, everything fell apart.
I had woken up early because the dogs needed to go outside. I knew my boyfriend wasn't getting much sleep lately so I let him sleep in as much as possible. Once the dogs had finished relieving themselves I had the intention of going back to bed to get another hour or so of sleep but the dogs came in to disrupt that plan. My boyfriend didn't like that and got up explosively, cursing and yelling as he stomped downstairs about how he couldn't get any sleep. I go downstairs to tell him that he can go back to bed, that I forgot to feed the dogs after letting them outside and that I would take care of it. He yells at me that he would do it since he's up and then goes on a rant about how his life was disrupted ever since I arrived. Let me remind you that he wanted me there in the first place.
He blamed me for the poor sleep he's been having ever since I arrived (there is also 3 dogs sleeping in the bed with us). He blamed me for his financial woes (he took care of the bills until I found a job). He blamed me for the hit to his credit score (I took a hit as well because we were getting pre-approval for a home loan before he said he didn't want to move forward with it). Blamed me for the decline in his mental and physical health (he vapes throughout the day and his vices are scotch and ice cream). And he blamed me for his inability to focus on drawing his comic series because of his mental health decline (he's a decent artist but I can't take credit for his creative block).
While he listed off all the things I am to be blamed for and how he had made so many compromises for me I reflected back on my surprisingly short time here (3 weeks, nearing 4), I was the one who made all the compromises. I was the one who made the bigger sacrifice. I traveled half-way across the country for a man who will never make my happiness a priority. From the start of our relationship 3 years ago to now, I was the only one who had to make sacrifices just to pacify this giant man-child.
He brought up me finding my own place again and I told him that if I have to move out then I'm returning to Seattle. He didn't fight me on that but the downside is that I have to wait for my parents, who had planned to drive out this way in June from Seattle, to visit friends in Chicago. They've been made aware of the situation and will be driving out in my step-dad's pickup truck to haul back all of my belongings and we would leave together in both my step-dad;s truck and my SUV. I had emailed the hiring manager I had gone through my interview process with, letting her know that I unfortunately will be returning to Seattle due to personal circumstances.
In the meantime I have begun submitting my resume to clinics and hospitals back in Seattle and already have several interviews set up (much faster turn-around than Iowa) and hopefully soon I will have secured a job before my return home.