We've always had ups and downs. Its always been chalked up to her not having met my parents and feeling secure in the relationship, or something like that.
Well, she met my parents. I met hers. Things are only worse now. It seems like she's constantly nitpicking.
We go to a restaurant for her friends bday. Everyone's ordering their own food on their phones. There is no server. She orders hers on her phone. I order mine. We pay our own tabs. We fight on the ride home about why I didn't put everything on one tab. I'm irritated but make a joke about how I'm strong and independent. She keeps pressing. I retort by saying she didn't say anything at the restaurant, so she's equally to blame. She keeps pressing. I tell her I don't want to talk about this anymore because clearly she's not understanding what I'm saying and I don't wanna ruin the rest of the night with this fight.
Maybe a few days later.. her sister stays the night on a random weekday. We have dinner. Around 8, her sister goes to bed. We all say good night. GF and I stay up watching a show. Her sister comes back out around 9:30, gets some water, says good night again and leaves. I was engrossed in the show and didn't pay attention to her. She asks why I was being disrespectful to her sister (by not saying good night the second time). I didn't realize she was serious (considering I just said good night an hour ago) and make a joke about how I don't wanna hear a peep from someone I say good night to until the sun is up. Not the best time to joke I guess.
Only two examples here, but imagine something like this happening 3-5x a week for the past two months. It always happens after 7pm. Happens whether we are together in person or if she's at home. But she will find something to text me to complain about. Each of these incidents seems to turn into a "serious" conversation.
I used to be super lazy and unproductive. Now I'm a high performer in a technical job. I'm a bit anal about my routine, and I feel my routine slipping away when conflict happens around bedtime, which is stressful. If my routine slips, I risk losing everything I've worked hard to build. We had one such "serious" conversation a few days ago and I had a bit of an overreaction. BUT, it seems like she finally "got it" and now we're not communicating.
I've asked that we only discuss these things in person and limit it to once a week, preferably on a weekend. I've stressed that we will have to break up if these incidents keep happening regularly during the work week after 7pm.
TL;DR - She's nitpicking something 3-5x a week now despite having progressed in the relationship. Feel my routine and productivity slipping away because it always happens after 7pm and ready to break up over this.

Spiritual Growth

1. Daily Prayer: Commit to daily prayer sessions asking for strength and guidance.
2. Scripture Reading: Read and meditate on scriptures that focus on strength and recovery.
3. Worship: Participate in regular worship services to reinforce your spiritual foundation.
4. Faith Affirmations: Use Bible verses as affirmations; repeat them during cravings.
5. Confession: Regularly confess struggles to a trusted spiritual leader or trusted friend.
6. Fasting: Occasionally fast to seek clarity and reinforce spiritual discipline.
7. Spiritual Retreats: Attend retreats for focused spiritual renewal.
8. Christian Meditation: Practice Christian meditation (pondering scripture, etc.) to calm the mind and spirit.
9. Listening to Gospel Music: Use uplifting music to enhance spiritual connection.
10. Prayer Journaling: Keep a journal of prayers and God’s responses.

Community Engagement

1. Church Support Groups: Join groups for individuals struggling with addiction.
2. Accountability Partner: Partner with a fellow believer who can provide support and accountability.
3. Volunteering: Engage in church-related volunteer work to stay busy and inspired.
4. Christian Counseling: Seek professional counseling from a Christian perspective.
5. Family Involvement: Involve your family in your journey through church events.
6. Youth Mentorship: Mentor youth, sharing your experiences and learning from service.
7. Online Christian Communities: Participate in online forums or groups for spiritual support.
8. Testimony Sharing: Share your journey at church gatherings to inspire and receive support.
9. Bible Study Groups: Regularly attend Bible study to deepen faith and community ties.
10. Church Activities: Be an active participant in church events and functions.

Personal Development

1. Routine Exercise: Incorporate regular physical activity to reduce stress.
2. Healthy Diet: Maintain a nutritious diet to improve overall well-being.
3. Reading Christian Literature: Read books that encourage spiritual growth and recovery.
4. Creative Arts: Use arts like painting or writing to express feelings and reflect.
5. Time Management: Structure your day to minimize idle time that could lead to cravings.
6. Goal Setting: Set short and long-term goals that align with your spiritual values.
7. Learning New Skills: Take up hobbies or classes that keep you engaged and learning.
8. Rest and Sleep: Ensure sufficient rest to maintain physical and mental health.
9. Nature Walks: Spend time in nature to find peace and perspective.
10. Avoiding Triggers: Identify and avoid situations or people that trigger cravings.

Coping Techniques

1. Deep Breathing: Practice deep breathing exercises during moments of craving.
2. Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to stay present and reduce anxiety.
3. Assertiveness Training: Learn to assertively say no to temptations.
4. Stress Management: Develop strategies to handle stress without resorting to substances.
5. Emotional Journaling: Use journaling to process emotions healthily.
6. Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on personal progress and setbacks.
7. Positive Visualization: Use visualization techniques to imagine a sober life.
8. Gratitude Lists: Regularly list things you are grateful for.
9. Reward System: Set up a reward system for reaching sobriety milestones.
10. Relaxation Techniques: Learn and apply relaxation techniques.

Support Systems

1. Peer Support: Regularly meet with a peer group for encouragement and advice.
2. Spiritual Guidance: Seek regular guidance from a pastor or spiritual mentor.
3. Therapeutic Relationships: Maintain therapeutic relationships that reinforce recovery.
4. Family Counseling: Engage in family counseling to repair relationships affected by addiction.
5. Professional Help: Don’t hesitate to seek help from addiction specialists.
6. Educational Workshops: Attend workshops that teach coping skills for addiction.
7. Supportive Friends: Cultivate friendships with those who support your recovery journey.
8. Avoiding Negative Influences: Steer clear of environments and individuals that undermine recovery.
9. Church Elders: Reach out to church elders for wisdom and support.
10. Sponsorship: Consider a 12-step program with a sponsor who shares your faith.

Renewal and Reflection

1. Anniversary Reflections: Reflect on the progress made over each year of recovery.
2. Spiritual Renewal Days: Designate days for intensified prayer and meditation.
3. Baptism or Re-baptism: Consider this as a symbolic fresh start.
4. Witnessing to Others: Use your story to help others in their battles with addiction.
5. Spiritual Literature: Delve deeper into spiritual texts for insights and inspiration.
6. Pastoral Visits: Invite pastoral visits for home blessing and personal encouragement.
7. Renewing Vows: Renew personal vows of sobriety in a ceremonial way.
8. Pilgrimage: Undertake a spiritual pilgrimage as a form of personal and spiritual exploration.
9. Reflection Retreats: Engage in retreats specifically focused on overcoming past habits.
10. Memorializing Milestones: Create physical or digital memorials of your recovery milestones.

Emotional Resilience

1. Emotional Awareness: Develop awareness of emotions and triggers that lead to cravings.
2. Seek Forgiveness: Embrace forgiveness, both from others and for yourself.
3. Offer Forgiveness: Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt you, releasing bitterness.
4. Spiritual Songs: Sing or listen to spiritual songs that uplift and comfort.
5. Hope Messages: Write down messages of hope and revisit them during tough times.
6. Encouragement Letters: Write letters of encouragement to yourself for future moments of weakness.
7. Daily Devotionals: Follow a daily devotional plan that addresses addiction recovery.
8. Prayer Chains: Initiate or join prayer chains for continuous spiritual support.
9. Healing Services: Attend healing services focused on emotional and spiritual restoration.
10. Scriptural Promises: Memorize promises from the Bible that assure support and deliverance.

Social Connectivity

1. Social Activities: Organize or participate in sober social gatherings with fellow church members.
2. Church Family Outreach: Engage in church family outreach programs to build a supportive community.
3. Mentoring Others: Become a mentor to others struggling with addiction, sharing lessons and faith.
4. Recovery Testimonials: Regularly give testimonials at recovery meetings to inspire and affirm.
5. Family Devotions: Hold regular devotions with family to strengthen bonds and mutual support.
6. Prayer Groups: Form or join small prayer groups focused on overcoming addiction.
7. Christian Conferences: Attend Christian conferences on recovery and personal growth.
8. Community Service Projects: Lead or participate in community service projects to foster a sense of purpose.
9. Recovery Celebrations: Celebrate recovery milestones with your church community.
10. Faith-Based Podcasts: Listen to and discuss faith-based podcasts on overcoming challenges.

Mindset and Lifestyle

1. Optimism: Cultivate an optimistic outlook based on faith and hope in God’s plan.
2. Daily Affirmations: Start the day with Christian affirmations about strength and recovery.
3. Mindfulness of God’s Presence: Continuously remind yourself of God’s presence in your life.
4. Avoiding Idleness: Keep yourself busy with meaningful activities that align with Christian values.
5. Spiritual Biographies: Read biographies of Christians who overcame significant struggles.
6. Health Check-Ups: Regularly attend health check-ups to monitor physical health during recovery.
7. Sabbath Rest: Observe Sabbath rest as a time to rejuvenate spiritually and physically.
8. Christian Movies: Watch movies with Christian themes that reinforce your resolve and values.
9. Spiritual Accountability: Regularly review your spiritual and recovery progress with a mentor.
10. Prayer Walks: Incorporate prayer walks as a way to combine physical activity and spiritual meditation.

Continued Learning and Growth

1. Biblical Courses: Take courses on biblical studies that relate to healing and redemption.
2. Spiritual Workshops: Attend workshops that focus on spiritual growth and overcoming addictions.
3. Faith-Based Counseling Techniques: Learn counseling techniques that are based on Christian principles.
4. Scripture Memorization: Engage in scripture memorization to strengthen spiritual warfare against cravings.
5. Pastoral Workshops: Participate in workshops offered by pastors that focus on living a sober life.
6. Faith and Science: Explore the intersection of faith and science in understanding addiction.
7. Christian Leadership Courses: Take courses in Christian leadership to empower your role in the community.
8. Retelling Your Story: Learn to retell your story in ways that highlight God’s grace and your growth.
9. Spiritual Discernment: Enhance spiritual discernment to recognize paths and choices that support sobriety.
10. Continuous Prayer: Maintain an attitude of continuous prayer, acknowledging dependence on God for daily victory over addiction.

I dont know what to do
I had my first 14 years ago when i was 21 and remember crying to my mum when she was 1 saying id never do this again. Never have another. The overwhelming stress was intense. I couldnt handle the clinginess. It made me feel like i was drowning. But of course i had no choice but to power on. Shes a great 14 year old now.
I had a baby 8 months ago after telling myself it would be different this time. I could handle it. I have a solid partner who said he would love her more than life itself and he was true to every word. He dotes on her and gladly takes her to give me some space, which he can easily do because hes not working currently but is starting back in a fortnight. I am DREADING IT. Im back to where i was 14 years ago. The cries, the neediness, the thinking shes went for a nap when suddenly she opens her eyes and my breathing space goes out the window. Partner says when she cries i just have to identify one of the few reasons it could be; needs fed, needs changed, needs cuddles or is simply tired. Go through the options and it should be fine. I manage mostly but sometimes i just hear her cry and shut down, staring at her hopelessly or internally panic and continue whatever im doing, humming to myself to drown her out before i go take a couple mins to myself then return and go through the motions. The neediness is overwhelming also. Yesterday she wanted up repeatedly but when i picked her up she squirmed and cried to be let down again but then screamed to be picked back up. I just want to scream "WHAT IS IT YOU WANT??!" but i dont. Just thinking about it makes me want to hyperventilate. Im highely introverted and need my own space to unwind and my partner starting back work is going to reduce that greatly. I plan on getting myself tested for ADHD as im shit at other aspects of life like remembering to pay bills/attend important interviews/ observing deadlines for things, amongst other things. I also tried to post this to Breakingmom but it wouldnt let me :/ thanks for reading.

I have been in and out of SSRIs for a year almost due to mental health problems, I have now on Setraline after using it for 1.5months noticed something weird.
I have these uncontrollable moodswings, I can be incredibly happy for a couple of hours or a day or so, and I mean I have a confidence boost by 1000%, strength boost 1000% what it feels like. I aldo tend to see much clearer and the colours are much more clear, music to my ears is much more nice and I generally speak and laugh more.
But then it goes back, Im myself but a little down, I dont enjoy anything, im constantly tired, never sleep enough. And then theres another phase.
Now this phase can come out of nowhere, it can last for an hour up to days, in this phase it feels like a huge tsunami of dread and darkness just came washing up on me like literally. In this phase i’m so derealized I start microhallucinating like stars. Everything is so much more blurry and it feels like I see the world through a shitty camera lens. I get much more upset and how angry I become over the dumbest things is really strange like I miss a bus and I run in the middle of the road to stop it, it doesnt stop and I destroy a stop sign while screaming, I overthink a lot, like a lot lot, I convince myself that my girlfriend cheats in the most dumbest ways and I believe them, anything she or anyone else does just gets me so upset.
I also have physical pains but thats just due to anxiety, I lose much more hair, part of that is that I have alopecia areata, but I havent lost so much hair in a long time, the stress is building up on me and it feels like im slowly touching grip of reality.
I also had a drug related psychosis around 2-3months ago that scarred me, that shit was the worst thing in my life like litteraly.
I just want some saying from you guys if you have experienced the same, is this hypomania or what you call it, is this normal should I check this out?

first let me start by saying I'm not tech savvy but I need opinions and suggestions on what to do! I apologize in advance but I'm under an extreme amount of stress and don't want to leave any detail out.
I have been using my MacBook pro m1 for a couple of years without issue. my MacBook started acting up about a month ago. I could not purchase apps in the store so I called apple support. We spent 3 hours on the phone working with it. first they had me update, which i was hesitant (eventually agreed) but that didn't solve the issue. then they concluded family share was the problem. after fixing the family share everything worked and I thought my problem was solved; unfortunately that was the last time it operated properly.
over the next several weeks my Mac seemed slow and I had problems with things, I figured it was user error since I had updated to macos 14.1.1. then "mo" from a large trusted legal firm emailed me a pdf, I downloaded it and attempted to open but pdf expert wouldn't open it and said it was "corrupt". one of "mo's" colleague "jo" emailed me a link to download Corp documents. the link directed me to the firm's website where I had to put my email address and name in order to login. after I logged in I clicked select all and downloaded them. they download in a .zip format but my Mac couldn't/ wouldn't unzip of open them so I downloaded them individually. after this I emailed "mo" to inform her the pdf was corrupt but she didn't seem concerned so I didn't worry.
2 days ago "jo" and I had discussed scheduling a call at 4, I confirmed I would be available and waited for her to call but it never came. the next morning i sent an email asking if she forgot about me but she denied that I had confirmed my appointment. I knew I had confirmed but figured I responded to the wrong person. I set with my Mac in front of me and my email open awaiting her reply but 2 hours later i hadn't received email from anyone so I refreshed my the mail app. when I done this i saw the only email I had received was from "mo" so I open and read it. after reading it I closed it and once I did "Jo" email arrived suggesting a call at 12 but it was 12:51 when i received it. this was my first indication something was majorly wrong.. I called apple support for help
Well here is the start to my nightmare. first apple's automated system couldn't verify my account but when I got to a representative he went ahead a began a screenshare and started working on my issues. we started checking the settings and my settings were changed. I never backup to a cloud (I know it's risk but I'm too scared of identity theft) but my mac was backing somethings up anyways. then he instructed that I sync my mail (I hadn't received over 3k emails) and change my password. I changed my password an was able to start making purchases again. next I noticed my notes were missing bit he couldn't resolve this problem and transfered me to a senior advisor. the senior advisor wanted to start screenshare. as he attempted to screenshare he reminded me that the sharing would be paused on sensitive information. next he informed me that we couldn't share screens that there were issues in his system. as we walked through the process of removing my notes alarm bells began to go off in my head. the previous rep had me change passwords but didn't pause screen share, which I informed my advisor but he didn't seem concerned. then i was put on a brief hold. as I was on hold I took that opportunity to change my password again. when he came back on the line I asked if he would attempt a screenshare again and it worked. he helped me check out various settings and we found they had been changed, at this point I began to worry I had a virus. he suggested I download a virus software outside of the app store. this made me uncomfortable so i requested to schedule/scheduled with the genius bar for this evening. I closed my Mac and went on about my evening.
this morning I found out about the newest apple security breach,, which kicked my anxiety into over drive. from what I read my computer had similar issues and the list was growing so I contacted support again. today once again I couldn't be verified and I wasn't receiving notifications from Apple again. the automated system automatically transferred me to a senior advisor. I thought this was weird but they assured me this was normal! anyhow I explained what was going on and she wanted to go over my settings again. we began to screen share and checked my settings, again they were different. then she said I need to see if you are completely logged in and had me open the privacy and security tab. next she instructed me to click on 2 factor authentication; followed by get a verification code. I didn't know any better so I clicked it. the next box showed a code then told me not to share the code with anyone including Apple. we were screensharing she saw it! I was so upset and asked her why she had me click that why we were screensharing...she claimed she didn't see anything it was lagging but I don't believe that! she the stated the code would change each time anyhow! at this point I'm in panic mode so disconnected the call, screenshare and tried to change my password. this time when I went to change my password I put the old and new password in and proceeded to the next step but the pop up looked entirely different. the only thing I knew to do was take my computer completely off line until I can get so help.

First time mom here that is exclusively pumping! We are obsessed with our 2 week and 2 day old! He is a dream baby and very low maintenance, eats great, he goes down in his bedside bassinet with 0 fussing as long as he's fed and happy, and sleeps the majority of the day. At our 2 week ped appt we were cleared to let him start sleeping in 4-5 hour stretches at night as long as we were meeting suggested feeding numbers during the day. Previously we were waking him every 3 hours if he didn't wake on his own (this only happened maybe 50% of the time, with some nights being more frequently) Obviously every night with a newborn is a new and unexpected adventure... I guess my question is - is there any point in trying to establish a routine this early? Is that just adding additional stress we don't need? We are happy to go with the flow but wanted to hop on and ask if anyone had any advice of what worked for their family during the day/night to try and hit those 4-5 hour stretches overnight. I feel like the majority of resources l've come across basically say you're on your own for the first few weeks.

Hi All!
This will be my partner and I’s first LL and camping fest and I am stressing about all the camping gear and what not we need to buy. I will say I am not a camper nor a big outside activity person regularly but I am willing to be for LL 😂
So my question is, what do we truly need to be “comfortable” and prepared to camp for 5 days?
I appreciate any advice and tips!
Absolutely can’t wait to rage with you all! 🫶🏻

TL;DR (18m) I was planning on going to college for game development but I don't think I want a career in that. I just want to do my own thing and hopefully get big. Biology seems cool.
I want to be an independent game developer. I have my own game idea and I'm really passionate about it. I’d make it even if I couldn’t make money off of it. It has a bunch of creatures based on real life biology, it's called speculative evolution. Kinda like Subnautica or James Cameron’s Avatar. Like alien animals and aren’t just monsters. I animate all the characters and creatures and want the game to have a hand drawn style like Hollow Knight.
Due to my interest in video games and digital arts / animation, I applied to an art school with a game design major, within walking distance from my high school. I visited it during my art classes and found the environment inviting. There were nice studio spaces and the students there looked really fun to be around. The Game Design professor was really nice to listen to during the Open House. All these together, alongside transportation issues led me to tunnel vision into this school. When I got the financial aid package, I started rethinking the idea of going. I assumed it would cover most of the cost since my family is low income and I have a lot of siblings. The school seems really nice but I don’t want to have 100K in student loans.
I didn’t apply anywhere else until recently. This year's FAFSA was delayed by a lot which made applying to other schools a bit tricky. I got accepted into a state school which offers more stuff too.
All the game developer layoffs and crunch time stuff, I don’t really think I want to do that. I of course want to make my own game. Like alone, in an apartment or my own little studio space or something. Being able to be a concept artist would be awesome, but it’s like super competitive and there’s also AI image generation. (eww I hate that) It’s scary good now, imagine how good it’ll be in 4 years when I graduate. Working on other people’s games would be cool, I guess. That’s not why I want to learn this stuff. I just want to do my own thing
Also looking at the art college’s class lineup, they don’t have anything not related to art. I like biology, paleontology and other earth sciences because I do lots of worldbuilding. I don’t get bored in stem classes like I imagine a lot of art school students do.
I’ve been thinking about a lot of other careers.
Dental Hygienists seem to make a lot of dollars without flexible hours, but I’ve also heard they have wrist pain which would make it really hard to draw.
Software Engineering is alright. Like I can tolerate it, but without the lens of video games, I don’t really care for it. The coding part of video games is not my spark, it’s more the artistic creative side. Also I hear that’s like the most overcrowded major everywhere. I know people who love coding like how I love paleontology, just researching it for fun.
Being a TV show animator seems really similar to being in a game developer studio. I also think I’d have to move to California or something. I don’t really want to move that far away.
Architecture seems kinda cool. I just heard you have to love it because you work overtime a lot and would get paid more for your effort in other fields.
Having some sort of biology job would be really cool. I’m not sure exactly what they do though. Again I saw you have to love it because it’s hard to find a job without a masters degree.
My art teacher is really proud of my work so far and it makes me happy. I will say though, considering something else as a career has made thinking about it so much less stressful. It can just be something cool I do and if it gets big, I don’t have to work anymore. Yahoo. I could also put hobbyist instead of professional in my bio, which looks cooler to me.
Extra:
Working a trade sounds sucky because I’ve helped my friend at his family business at a warehouse once. It was okay but I don’t want to do that for a living. Lifting heavy stuff and getting kinda hurt. No thanks.
Also I’m aware I simplify a bit when talking about competition and stuff. The idea is that entry level jobs would be hard to get and those don’t really pay that well and I don’t want to feel like I wasted a college degree. I could be being dumb about AI image generation but any professional art people can let me know.
You can read about my student loan worries here here
And I can link to my itch.io for my 1 minute game prototypes if anyone is interested. My 2D Platformers with Krita Animations
Anyway what I’m asking for is your thoughts because I’m not knowledgeable here. Anyone with a biology degree, experience in the jobs I listed or whatever else (I don’t know, it’s why I am asking)

Prologue

Hello and welcome to my post. I will subdivide this into two large parts. One will cover my thoughts, feelings, my hopes and dreams...While the other will tell you the specifics of how I pass the time, what topics interest me, what passions do I posses. I believe that at the end of this leap into my inner world, you dear reader, will have all the necessary information to judge whether we are compatible or not.

Part I
I am writing this in the hopes of finding something that I lack. Lately I have had this feeling, this tinge of melancholy within the dephts of my being, this yearning to find a kindred spirit, another Soul, much like mine, to form a bond with. Perhaps Loneliness is the right word for what is bothering me, but to use it seems to carry with it a connotation of ungratefulness. Ungratefulness for the people that I do have in my life, although none of them, of course, have the connection to me that I seek here.

I have found it increasingly necessary to seek in this Life a sort of purity of thought. What I mean is, I have began to undestand what ideas and concepts are ultimately compatible with my inner most Self, ergo what guidelines I have to follow to feel the most whole. Naturally I have likewise realised what I cannot add to my Self and what I will henceforth reject with all the power that I posses.

With this new context in mind, I now follow on the path of self improvement. I will now begin to mold my Self into my perfected idea of how the Self should be. This is certainly a significant undertaking, one that will not be easy to follow through on but one that I ultimately have to do. To me such context is essential. It is akin to a Guiding Star shining in the night. I will follow this Star for without it I am lost in the vast Darkness.

Looking back at my life, it was suboptimal, especially if one compares the way it molded me to how I will now mold myself. I suppose I must look on with a hint of regret at all that time which one might consider to be lost. Still... I try to stave off such decisively negative interpretations, after all, I have ultimately came to these conclusions. That means that somewhere along the line I had to have picked up on enough of such ideas for them to become so cemented in my consciousness. Well, either that or I was always like this, but in that case I can at least thank my life up to this point for not being able to supress such manifestations of my inner most Self.

To add to the topic of my life, I must admit that not all the battles have yet been won, not all the Demons vanquished, not every Mountain climbed. I want you to keep such things in mind when deciding whether or not to approach me. Many will shy away, I undestand that much, but the pursuit of true Companionship is just another such battle. Having said all that I do believe that being able to overcome hurdles together carries with it a certain appeal. That is to say, what's the fun in joining once the Game is already over?

I don't shy away from such challenges, perhaps to a fault. Certain troubles that I faced in the past carry with them a long shadow over my current health and well being. Still, I intend to change little in this regard other than the proficiency with which I will clash the current of my Will against the cliffs of Life.
Part II
In this part of my post I will tell you about my interests and hobbies, I will try to be thorough, commonality in this regard is rather important to build a relationship
History. I have had an interest in history for almost a decade now, it started back in school and developed from there. Well, now that I think about it one could argue that it started even earlier in my life as I liked watching the odd historic documentary or film aired on television but it wasn't regular back then, I never actively sought it out. I am mostly interested in European history in the period between the 18th-20th century but I sometimes branch out to other time periods and other parts of the world. I watch various channels related to history and read articles and sometimes books. I have recently got a few books on the German revolution of 1848/1849 and a historical magazine on the Thirty Years' War. Besides that I try to visit museums sometimes.
Literature. Especially old novels. I like to immerse myself in the Worlds of these books, I tend to read them while listening to thematically fitting music and take my time with them. One time you are following a troubled Youth in his quest for spiritual understanding of the world, another you see the aged and decrepit Doctor gambling his very Soul on the promises of abtaining satisfaction in earthy pleasures, then again your olfaction notices the most pleasant scent known to man even as the one eminating it has the appearance of a revolting Frog. These and many other stories open up to you once you decide to set foot into the literary World.
Languages. I know three, with one being a bit rusty. I am currently working intently on strengthening it. I believe that if I continue to apply myself in this regard then I should be able to finally conquer it. What language am I working on? Well, if you were to stack all the major works in it they would be as tall as a house... It is fun to go through different works in multiple languages, the same goes for film, games and such.
Games. I recently played Cyberpunk 2077. Well as recently as I played any major story centric game. Now that the dust has settled and the bugs mostly removed...It's not that bad. The main questline at least. Besides that I tried Fallout 76 (Very average, I'm dissapointed with what they made the "RPG" system) and I might give Deus Ex Manking Divided another spin (since it's somewhat similar to Cyberpunk when it comes to its aesthetics). Dark Souls is one of my favorite series, I still haven't beaten Elden Ring though. When it came out I wasn't in the right mindset to invest a hundred hours into it, with all those bosses and difficult locations. I think I'll only consider playing it if I am streaming it to someone. I am generally interested in either streaming games or having the person I am talking to stream them to me. To be specific I mean streaming to a single person while being on call. Besides that I'm a big fan of Paradox strategy games, especially Europa Universalis IV and Heats of Iron IV, I tend to only play single player since I find multiplayer with many people to be rather stressful but on the other hand I have nothing against a co-op game. I'm not the best player though, despite the ammount of hours I have in them. Another great game I would mention would be Dragon's Dogma. A very underrated RPG. I recently beat it again and it was an atmospheric and interesting experience. It is one of those games that feel like they have an endless ammount of depth and constant new secrets to discover.
Anime and Manga. In recent times my interest in them has waned but I still watch the occasional series here and there. Like Cyberpunk Edgerunners (Which I found to be rather mediocre) and the very good first season from the new arc of Bleach. Some of my favourite series include: Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Death Note, Fate;Zero, Psycho Pass, Code Geass and Attack on Titan. I wouldn't mind if you were to introduce me to some new series, maybe based on the ones I mentioned. My favourite Manga is Berserk which I still follow, althought I am still not certain on the direction that the new author is taking. I suppose it really is a matter of contention whether a somewhat (or considerably warped) vision is better than an unfinished work. One could argue that a few novels remain unfinished and possess a macabre appeal to them as such.
Music. Classical music has a very special place in my heart. A few of my favourite pieces would be: Clair de Lune, Nocturne Op. 9 No.2, Devil's Trill Sonata, Danse Macabre, Valse Sentimentale, Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Alegreto (by Beethoven) and Suite from Swan Lake, Op. 20a: I. Scene. Moderato. There are more but these ones always invoke something in me when I listen to them. Besides Classical I also enjoy listening to Synthwave, old Western pop and J-pop, both modern and from the 20th century.
Esotericism. I am interested in things spiritual, mystical, magical and esoteric. I have read religios texts, magical grimoires, introductions to various schools of thought. It is interesting to me.
Epilogue
Hopefully I was able to cast the spotlight upon my inner World in a clear and unequivocal manner. I feel the need to add to the aforementioned that I am rather introverted, which means that I tend to dislike large social gatherings. I managed to condition myself to be able to endure the presense of large groups of people but it isn't something that I would seek out in most cases. Besides that I am neurodivergent and suffer from certain issues with mental health. I have to take medication to keep myself under control. They work well enough but certain days are harder than others. I respect the struggle that others have with mental health but in the context of a relationship I have my limits, no one with BDP for instance. I am also not looking for anything casual. I understand than one cannot demand depth and meaning from a conversation with an absolute stranger, that is akin to trying to build a sand castle right before the waves strike but I ask at least that you enter with a mindset that this might become something of significance. I also do want to say that I am completely Monogamous. My preference? The sickly, pale, intellectual who watches rain droplets slide down the window in Autumn. Lastly, if I enjoy the company of a person I tend to not want to let them go.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and have a good day. I ask that you send a DM instead of a chat and that you give the English translation of my title in the opening of your message.
Goodbye...Or perhaps untill we meet again

I have been in and out of SSRIs for a year almost due to mental health problems, I have now on Setraline after using it for 1.5months noticed something weird.
I have these uncontrollable moodswings, I can be incredibly happy for a couple of hours or a day or so, and I mean I have a confidence boost by 1000%, strength boost 1000% what it feels like. I aldo tend to see much clearer and the colours are much more clear, music to my ears is much more nice and I generally speak and laugh more.
But then it goes back, Im myself but a little down, I dont enjoy anything, im constantly tired, never sleep enough. And then theres another phase.
Now this phase can come out of nowhere, it can last for an hour up to days, in this phase it feels like a huge tsunami of dread and darkness just came washing up on me like literally. In this phase i’m so derealized I start microhallucinating like stars. Everything is so much more blurry and it feels like I see the world through a shitty camera lens. I get much more upset and how angry I become over the dumbest things is really strange like I miss a bus and I run in the middle of the road to stop it, it doesnt stop and I destroy a stop sign while screaming, I overthink a lot, like a lot lot, I convince myself that my girlfriend cheats in the most dumbest ways and I believe them, anything she or anyone else does just gets me so upset.
I also have physical pains but thats just due to anxiety, I lose much more hair, part of that is that I have alopecia areata, but I havent lost so much hair in a long time, the stress is building up on me and it feels like im slowly touching grip of reality.
I also had a drug related psychosis around 2-3months ago that scarred me, that shit was the worst thing in my life like litteraly.
I just want some saying from you guys if you have experienced the same or maybe know why this is because.

It started in my teenage years and has become worse, especially in the last few years when our tastes and opinions have drifted apart, he calls me fat, claims i always break stuff (a good example is the stairs, one day i said one of the steps felt strange and he fixed it by hammering in a nail, except that actually diverted the stress to the wrong part and the whole thing cracked, he has blamed me ever since because i'm 'overweight') he always tries to get into my phones, he tries to hack my iPhone for instance by showing it to my face or just pictures of my face.
​
A few months ago i bought a kilt and he has not shut up about that either, 'why do you want to dress like a woman?' 'we're not scottish' 'you're going to get yourself beat up wearing that' and he spews anti-kilt rhetoric in my face, today he asked me if i wanted a pride kilt, starting rumours that i'm LGBTQ+ is one of his favorite things to do.
​
He also harrasses me about my long hair, saying it's dirty, needs to be cut, or why i'm growing it long or making up rumours, he sometimes puts his hand in my hair.
​
He also spies on me, i ask to borrow his phone for something and go down his pictures, i find potshots of my computer monitor and my phone screen, i was just playing bitlife on my phone and he wasn't convinced, he kept asking me what 'website that is' and where i 'got the 101,000 euros from' he only realized when he googled it.
​
He hates my taste in music, doesn't like me singing and thinks i'm sexually attracted to a former member of one of my favorite bands.
​
I have a feeling the reason why he's been worse lately is because a few days ago i had to change the password to my youtube account, i got an email about a comment reply and it turned out he'd been using my account to argue with people and spam this one popular youtuber, honestly the comments reminded me of yayvideogames.
​
He's also very paranoid in general, always thinks i'm writing about him and demands to see everything i do on my computer, if i happen to change tabs just as he walks in he accuses me of hiding something and demands to see it.
​
Stuff of mine has been broken before too, like several fountain pens, he let a dog chew up a 50s esterbrook and hid the remains from me, he went through a hypergraphia phase of writing lots of things in my books and ruining the pages, he also once took an axe to my xbox controller because he lost a game.
​
I'll appreciate any advice on what i can do, what i can say, etc i think some of the harassment is bordering on assault especially touching my hair and clothes, i also have audio evidence of him telling me he doesn't want me wearing a kilt.

I think this would count as social life since it affects every corner of my life.
Don't set yourself on fire for your degree.
I got my bachelors last year and decided after a summer of chill I'd do my masters in a degree I didn't really love.
MISTAKE. I'm now in the process of leaving after having several mental breakdowns and not even wanting to look at my laptop out of feastress. It was traumatic last few days to say the least. I've never been so burnt out, so depressed and wishing for the world to swallow me whole as I did yesterday.
Don't be me and go for something you don't love, work yourself into the ground and don't reach out to your family members and friends for fear of being a disappointment. You're never a disappointment, and you know in your heart at least one person is going to be heartbroken if you leave this earth prematurely.
I took the fattest nap of my life and I feel so much lighter now, like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can finally enjoy the things that make me happy instead of feeling guilt.
Also take a break in between your studies, don't be me and jump into a masters right away.

I know people are sharing their opinions all over this sub, but I’m wary of reading posts because I’m still catching up on FHJY, about halfway through the season and I love it. But I mostly follow D20 fans on X/Twitter, and they are NOT happy right now.
I think it sucks that there are some narrative threads that don’t seem to have been explored in a satisfying way (from what I’ve seen people saying). I thought it was so interesting that the Rat Grinders were parallels to TBK and I wanted them to explore those characters more and maybe discover a more sympathetic side to them before everything happened. Like “this could have been us if we went down the wrong path” type of thing. It sounds like this was not explored at all. People are also expressing disappointment at Brennan for the Ruben/Wanda thing ultimately going nowhere, and for not pushing TBK to take more stress tokens, because it would have made the final battle more interesting. Overall people are frustrated with everyone’s choices.
Again I haven’t seen the episode so idk how to feel about it, but all the negativity is almost discouraging me from continuing the season. So I’m here to ask, do the majority of fans share this sentiment or am I just in an echo chamber? How did you guys feel about everyone’s choices in the latest episode? Keep in mind I’m not caught up yet, but at this point I’ve seen so much discussion about this episode I don’t mind spoilers, just don’t explain the entire season.

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Having said his piece, Rene had expected the woman to accept her role as a prisoner of the Fleet. But no sooner had he taken his knee of her back than she was at him again, rolling over and cursing as she tried to spit him on her claws. Training kicked in and Rene applied the wrestling component of his hand-to-hand combat course. He secured underhooks with his arms, locking them together with his hands and hugging her tight from behind. Zildiz bucked and twisted around in a futile attempt to make room for her blades, even managing to get one of her knees beneath her and push off the ground. Rene allowed her to gain her feet, cunningly using the opening to slip the loop of his encircling arms around her waist. Now in complete control of her center of gravity, Rene swung his leg out and arched his back, heaving her up and over like a sack of turnips in a textbook suplex. A fraction of a second before he smashed the top of her skull into the hard ground, he remembered that he was supposed to keep prisoners alive and preferably not in a vegetative state, and so he cushioned the fall with his own body, falling on his side to increase surface area and dissipate the force.
Zildiz was caught totally by surprise. Unlike Rene she had neglected to tuck in her chin before the moment of impact, a vital detail which was one of the first things a recruit was taught to do on the mats.
“Oof!” she said as all the breath slammed out of her by the throw. Rene felt her body go limp as her dazed senses tried to adjust to the violent change of orientation. He took advantage of this moment of weakness and looped his legs around her body, locking his ankles together to form a full body triangle. His left forearm punched up and took her neck in a rear naked choke, a suffocating vise formed by the insides of his elbow crushing her windpipe and carotid arteries.
“I warned you,” he told her. His choking hand grabbed the inside of his other elbow, right forearm sneaking behind her neck and under his armpit, tightening the garrote even further.
“Had enough?”
“Hrrnnkk…” Zildiz choked. She lifted an arm and slid back the blade until it was the length of a finger, deliberately giving Rene the universal gesture to go and fornicate with himself, before sheathing the claw entirely and aiming her fist at him over her shoulder.
Rene ducked as the blade shot out again, only just avoiding it going through his eye socket and into his brain. As it was, it only nicked his temple, sending warm lines of blood trickling down his visor. Rene hugged her even tighter, constricting the chokehold until he heard her breathing reduced to an agonized wheeze. He throttled her until she stopped moving, her struggles weakening until she went completely lax. Then he held the choke for exactly three seconds longer, counting carefully to avoid giving her lasting brain damage. He let go and was relieved to hear her snoring faintly. Gently rolling her onto her back so she didn’t suffocate in the dirt, Rene cast about for a means to secure his prisoner. He had only a few seconds before she regained consciousness. Quickly he cut some vines from the surrounding trees and knotted them into a crude rope. He flipped her back over again and tied her hands at the wrists and elbows. He had no illusions that it would hold her for long. He tied her wings together at their bases for good measure. She had two sets of them, but the larger pair was missing one of its partners that had been torn off at the socket to reveal a gaping wound. They were wondrously tough membranes considering how thin and flexible they were, as sturdy as ultrapod leather. Rene looked over his work and loosened it a bit so as not to cut off the circulation in her arms. It wasn’t bad for something done on the fly. Then again, he’d been playing this whole thing by ear ever since the ambush that had cut his unit to pieces. Ye gods, but that whole experience felt like a lifetime ago. He had not expected to ever use that component of his hand-to-hand training designed for fighting human opponents. Of course, he’d helped put down a fair share of civil unrest in his time, but even during the worst of the food riots in Mound Ulysses he’d never so much as given a person a light shove. The civilians knew better than to antagonize a battalion of the Fleet’s finest over something as routine and reoccurring as a government rationing in the face of crop failure.
He felt quite bad about having to roughhouse the woman, that is, until she sat up awake and glowered hatefully at him, coughing and retching.
“Don’t,” he pleaded with her in exasperation as she gave him the old stink eye, “I don’t want to fight you again.”
“Why?” she spat defiantly, “Afraid you’d lose?”
“Uh huh,” Rene grunted, amused and even a little impressed by her spunk. She couldn’t have weighed more than sixty kilos soaking wet and was at least half a foot shorter than him even with that exomorph of hers, but this woman was all fight and no quit. She would have to be, living on the surface world and facing these abominations day after day. Rene looked at the dismembered corpses of the black-furred devils and had a sudden jolt of inspiration. As Zildiz tested the strength of her restraints Rene went over to the monster he had chopped to bits and poked the misshapen hump on its back, which had excreted thick ribbons of silk at the moment of death. Feeling more than a little squeamish, Rene pulled on the threads of silk. He had only meant to collect two or three meters of the material, but more and more of the stuff kept unwinding out its glands like a handkerchief from a magician’s pocket. Eventually his hands became enmeshed in the horrid stuff and he had to struggle like the dickens to unstick himself and scrape it off onto a bush where it stuck like a lumpy hammock. Remembering how his enemy had plugged the stab wound in its gut, Rene snapped off a twig and curled it into the white mess like those vendors at the fairs did with candy cloud treats, ending up with a spool of silk. He applied it to the cut on his temple by winding it around his head like a bandage, and was gratified when it stopped the bleeding almost immediately. He heard the rustle of dead leaves and turned around to find Zildiz furtively attempting to sidle away from him.
“Don’t even try it,” he told her, “Or I’ll run you down and knock you senseless. I’m taking you back to civilization. The Fleet needs to know what it’s up against out here, and you’re a veritable trove of information.”
Zildiz squatted back down and stared at him, simmering with resentment. Rene shook his head and continued his work, moving on to the monster that had been the first to die at the woman’s hands. Cutting open its hump, Rene was rewarded with a dense lump of thread still packed inside its spinneret. He took another twig and spooled it in, then wrapped the bundle of silk in a large leaf.
A leg twitched of its own accord. Rene nearly dropped the bundle as he sprang back, sword upraised. The devil’s limbs began doing a tap dance and Rene relaxed a bit, recognizing it as the onset of rigor mortis. The side of its face was split open and hanging loosely by a strap of flesh. Struck by a nagging suspicion, Rene stooped down and peeled off the segments of its head, holding the edge of his sword against its neck to decapitate it in the event that it proved too lively for his liking.
The musculature and armor tore away just like it had with Zildiz’s helm, and for the second time that night he found himself staring into the face of another living human being. Only this time it was a man whose face was utterly disfigured, a perversion of the basic form. In the place of his lower jaw were fingerlike protrusions of gummy tissue and exposed nerve endings. His nose cartilage was likewise missing, leaving only a pair of holes dribbling with snot. The man blinked, and glassy eyes with almost no whites at their edges fixed Rene in their gaze.
“Kill…me…” the man whispered.
Rene began to shake uncontrollably, wiping a trembling hand across his mouth as he was forced to consider the carnage he’d just wrought in a new and horrifying light. These weren’t three dead monsters littering the jungle floor; these were three dead men, and some of them he had killed himself.
“Kill me!” the man begged him. He was young, barely Rene’s age, his smooth skin untroubled by the wrinkles of age and worry. He had clear brown pupils and dark, expressive brows. If it weren’t for all the rest of him, Rene might’ve mistaken him for a fresh-faced recruit at the academy, or a paperboy climbing up the terraced apartments of inner hive to deliver news of the Fleet’s latest victory.
On unsteady legs Rene staggered back to Zildiz’s side and away from the awful truth he had uncovered.
“Something the matter?” Zildiz asked in a gleeful tone, “Feeling a little worse for wear, are we?”
“Shut it,” Rene said distantly. He dragged Zildiz to her feet and began winding the silk around her wrists, layering them over thick and tying them off with a simple knot. He kept the vines on her for added insurance and told her to start walking.
“Where to?” she demanded.
“I’m not feeding you to my children, if that’s what you’re asking,” he muttered, “I don’t have any to begin with, and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t raise them to be cannibals.”
Zildiz didn’t move, so Rene grabbed her and frog marched her away. He had no real destination in mind—he just had to get away from this place and the bodies he’d made. Zildiz rounded on Rene, saying:
“Aren’t you going to deal with him? I only severed his neural connection to paralyze his exomorph. He’s still very much alive.”
“No!” Rene yelled, “That’s not how I—how people do things. Almighty ancestors, is that so hard for you to grasp?”
“Yes,” Zildiz replied quite candidly.
“He’s a living, breathing human being. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but those are pretty rare on Arachnea and worth keeping around.”
“No. He is a Leaper. After extracting your gilt helix, he and his packmates would devoured you right then and there.”
“That’s why you saved me, isn’t it? So they couldn’t obtain this shiny helix thing?”
Zildiz ignored his question, continuing:
“If you leave him here, at best he will die of exposure. At worst, his tribe will come looking for him, and if they find him, they will run us down and kill us anyway.”
Rene bit his lip. She spoke the truth and they both knew it. But after all this world had already taken from him, there remained one thing which he refused to part with. And Rene knew that if he gave in now and took the expedient option—the sensible option—he would be surrendering it forever.
“Sorry,” he said finally, “That’s against the rules.”
He dragged Zildiz over to the Leaper and spoke to him, saying:
“I won’t kill you. I’m not about to eat you either, so you can stop begging for a quick death. As long as you tell me what I want to know, we’ll leave you here and go our separate ways. I might even patch your wounds if you’re cooperative. Does that strike you as a fair bargain?”
The Leaper met this pronouncement with a look of utter perplexity that mirrored the one on Zildiz’s face.
“I’ll take that silence as a yes,” Rene said impatiently, “You’ll begin by telling me your name.”
“Kryptusshh,” the Leaper said slowly, as if not daring to hope.
“Very good. Are there any more of your people out there, Kryptus?”
“Why sshhould I trusht you? I would only be dooming more of my kindred, and there issh no certainty you would not kill me afterwardssh.”
“It’s a chance you have to take,” Rene shrugged, “Either that, or I’ll let this woman do as she pleases with you. And just between you and me,” he said in a loud stage whisper, “She doesn’t seem all that fond of your sort.”
Zildiz and Kryptus locked eyes with each other. Rene could almost feel the waves of hatred coming off her as she bristled, every tendon in her body tensing expectantly. Kryptus must have seen something he didn’t like, for he looked away and said:
“I am a warrior of the Weeping Vipersh. We are roughly eleven hundred sshtrong. One tenth of that number are bravesshh like me.”
“He lies,” Zildiz said, baring her teeth in a snarl, “That is less than half their true strength. He does not count the adolescents and the old loom-mothers, who are the deadliest of their kind.”
“Three hundred, then, if they are consshidered,” Kryptman quickly admitted, “Your pardon, merciful one.”
“I’ll excuse your forgetfulness just this once,” Rene warned, “But your memory better not fail you again.”
He questioned the Leaper closely. Kryptus claimed that only he and his pack had seen the safety pod’s crash landing, and that they had told no one else as they wished to claim the great prize all for themselves. The Weeping Vipers were the largest tribe in the rainforest and were always looking for an advantage over their numerous and belligerent neighbors. Apparently Kryptus had hoped to gain a modicum of the Divine Engine’s power by extracting something called a ‘gilt helix’ from Rene’s blood.
“Jussht one sample would have shatishfied uss,” Kryptus swore, “Then we would have taken you back to the Loom alive.”
“I’m sure nothing would’ve pleased you better,” Rene said wryly, all too cognizant of Zildiz’s earlier assumption that he planned to feed her to the Fleet’s youth.
Rene learned from Kryptus that the Divine Engine had ignited a blazing wildfire that was swiftly spreading north and west. The tribes would likely have noticed it by now, and would all be sending braves in a joint effort to douse the flames. For some reason all the Leapers felt collectively responsible for the wellbeing of the region, and could not allow it to come to harm for fear of dire repercussions.
“Last question. Is anyone going to come looking for you?”
“Not till the morning.”
“Good!” said Zildiz, breaking out of Rene’s grip and aiming a vicious kick at the side of the Leaper’s head. Rene barely caught her and yanked her back, shouting:
“Blood and thunder, woman! Is there nothing you won’t do to piss me off?”
“Are you insane? You cannot possibly mean to leave him alive!” the Gallivant hissed.
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Now come here!”
Rene took her by the elbow and pulled her forward, leaving Kryptus where he lay.
“You promished you would tend to my woundssh!” the Leaper cried after them.
“Don’t push your luck!” Rene said over his shoulder, “Anyone who follows us will meet the same end as your friends.”
He and his prisoner went tramping off into the night, Zildiz raging at him all the while.
“Fool! We will both come to regret that decision!”
“You’re probably right,” Rene had to agree.
“Then why did you do it?”
“For the same reason I’m letting you strut around and screech into my ear. What can I say? I’m a conversationalist.”
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

he owns a business and when we first met and were dating, his business was thriving and very lucrative. He's had some setbacks, some were out of his control but some were in his control (although he won't admit it) and sales are a fraction of what they were. He also works out of our home because profit margins were too low to maintain a retail space.
I am busting my butt working a stressful corporate sales job, although I work from home too. He sleeps till 11, and then I'll find him in the living room watching a TV show in the middle of the day while I'm working. Or he'll be outside all day mowing the lawn and weed wacking on a Tuesday. I'd rather he was working and we'll pay a landscaper. I know he does do some work related customer service late at night, but still.
He says at 50 years old he's done working hard and wants to live a more minimal stress free lifestyle. He wants us to watch our spending and live off of small stock dividends instead of him trying to find a way to make more money. His business wasn't even lucrative until he was in his early forties so we are talking about 10 years or less of making decent money and he's already done. This isn't what I signed up for.
He gets offended if I bring it up and insists there's nothing he can do.
Any advice?

My fiancé was going on his bachelor party outside the country. He was flying home for a few days before flying out on Thursday morning. Monday he left and got all the way through security at the airport before he realized he forgot his passport. His bag was already checked and we decided we had enough time that I could overnight ship the passport to his house.
Fast forward to Wednesday and the passport still has not arrived and he is freaking out. We call USPS and I am HORRIFIED to discover that it was shipped with "priority shipping" and NOT "express priority shipping" which actually guarantees the overnight delivery date. I looked at my receipt and it confirms this despite me saying to the guy at the counter I wanted to overnight the package. It was in a priority envelope I guess so that may be where the confusion came from? The envelope is still in transit and just barely made it to some regional facility a state away from his house. There are no prospects of when it will arrive and other people's plans depend on him.
Ultimately after tons of stress, frantic changes, trying to intercept the package.... they have all had to change their plans. Luckily no one is out any cash, and the back up plan is still really amazing. Obviously the first mistake was my partner forgetting the passport and he acknowledges he put me in this situation so I am not to blame. And I get that too. But I just CANNOT get over how I messed this up small which caused a huge cascade of agony and stress and a bit of shame/embarrassment for my partner. I'm embarrassed! It was so easy.... if I had just taken one more second to ensure it would 100% arrive on Wednesday we wouldn't be in this position and he would be having the trip he planned for weeks.
Well I guess that's it. I just need to vent a bit. I forgive myself but it still just really hurts - such a silly stupid mistake I could have prevented with a bit more focus. Ultimately, my takeaways - don't forget your passport, avoid mailing your passport, and if you have to overnight something important TRIPLE CHECK that you actually are getting overnight shipping.

My fiancé was going on his bachelor party outside the country. He was flying home for a few days before flying out on Thursday morning. Monday he left and got all the way through security at the airport before he realized he forgot his passport. His bag was already checked and we decided we had enough time that I could overnight ship the passport to his house.
Fast forward to Wednesday and the passport still has not arrived and he is freaking out. We call USPS and I am HORRIFIED to discover that it was shipped with "priority shipping" and NOT "express priority shipping" which actually guarantees the overnight delivery date. I looked at my receipt and it confirms this despite me saying to the guy at the counter I wanted to overnight the package. It was in a priority envelope I guess so that may be where the confusion came from? The envelope is still in transit and just barely made it to some regional facility a state away from his house. There are no prospects of when it will arrive and other people's plans depend on him.
Ultimately after tons of stress, frantic changes, trying to intercept the package.... they have all had to change their plans. Luckily no one is out any cash, and the back up plan is still really amazing. Obviously the first mistake was my partner forgetting the passport and he acknowledges he put me in this situation so I am not to blame. And I get that too. But I just CANNOT get over how I messed this up small which caused a huge cascade of agony and stress and a bit of shame/embarrassment for my partner. I'm embarrassed! It was so easy.... if I had just taken one more second to ensure it would 100% arrive on Wednesday we wouldn't be in this position and he would be having the trip he planned for weeks.
Well I guess that's it. I just need to vent a bit. I forgive myself but it still just really hurts - such a silly stupid mistake I could have prevented with a bit more focus. Ultimately, my takeaways - don't forget your passport, avoid mailing your passport, and if you have to overnight something important TRIPLE CHECK that you actually are getting overnight shipping.

So I have struggled with my mental health ever since I was a kid, I grew up in an abusive home, I've had bad anxiety and I was hallucinating since I was really young. I would hear things that weren't there and at night I couldn't sleep bc there was always noise in my ears. When my parents would ask me "why don't you go to sleep" and I was too young to be able to explain to them and I would just say "I don't know, I'm scared of the dark". To be honest I mostly hallucinate at night time and in periods of high stress. It's always auditory hallucinations and they can get really scary. Anyways my boyfriend had met me when I was a teenager and I was struggling even more with mental illnesses, and I definitely became a better person with him. But he has seen me in really bad days so he knows I have some issues. He's really supportive and I love him so I try to change for him. Everything has gotten better in the past few years that we're dating. However, I have started to hallucinate at night again, having psychotic episodes and not being able to sleep. One night I was staying at my boyfriend's and we were about to fall asleep. He closed the lights and cuddled me. After a while I started hearing talking but like, I couldn't figure out what the voices were saying. The voices kept getting louder and my boyfriend felt me trembling. He asked what's wrong and I started crying and explained to him about hearing things, thinking that he'd finally break up with me. He told me to take some breaths, focus on his voice and started talking about our summer holidays and what we're gonna do in our upcoming vacation. I could still hear the voices but after a while they started fading and fading. I am scared to talk to my therapist even though my boyfriend and some of my friends encourage me to do it. I don't know I feel insane and I don't wanna go to an asylum or get diagnosed with schizophrenia or something, I feel like my life will get ruined.

Hello! I'll start talking about myself, then about my boyfriend, then how our relationship went down and how we got back together. Sorry for my English in advance.
So. I'm Brazilian and a 20 year-old Law student. I'm very empathetic, and I came from a family with many challenges - financial and emotional. My parents marriage isn't the best, and I grew up in a pretty hostile environment (in the sense that my parents were very strict about grades, and my father is very aggressive in general). However, they did the best they could with what they had. Last year, I came to live in another state, 7 hours away from home by car, because I got into one of the best colleges in the country (currently second best at Law) and couldn't miss the opportunity. I've been learning how to be an adult more and more day by day. I've got a nice internship and work another job aside from that.
When I thought I was finally free from my mother's controlling behavior, I decided it was finally a good time to date someone. And so I began talking to this boy (at the time, a 22 year old) through the internet. He seemed wonderful. Spent three years in Romania to study (even tho he didn't get to graduate) and then came back to Brazil to pursue his true passion, International Relations. We hit it off pretty quickly and started officially dating after a month.
At that time, even thought he had dated multiple girls in the past, I was his first serious relationship. Even today, he says I'm the only girl he ever felt (and still feels) love for. I got to know later on that he had Bipolarity, depression and Borderline Personality Syndrome - all of those conditions that weren't being treated or medicated for months.
He had problems with money, problems with dates, problems with compromises, problems with his grades, problems with his addictions (cigarettes). He didn't know exactly how to make a girlfriend feel safe, he would often not include me in his routine, sometimes he wasn't careful with his wording... and many other things. Every time I talked about our problems, he would only say "sorry" "I can't guarantee I'll actually change" "maybe I'm not the one you're looking for". He followed a LOT of girls, and always told me "I don't check out Instagram anyways so it's nothing".
Then, after 7 months in the relationship, I went over to my mother's house for Christmas and New year. He also went to his dad's house at that time. We cried a lot when we had to part, because we did absolutely everything together.
Well. Once he got into his dad's house, he began to be more distant (if we chatted for 10 minutes a day, that was rare) and I was exhausted. I just wanted a conversation of some minutes, and I understand he wanted to be with his family, but a nice call at the end of the day or just a few texts wouldn't keep him from them. I talked about that with him and I ended up being the one apologizing for not being understanding.
Phew...
Then, after two weeks of vacation, it happened. A girl going to my DMs and exposing an intimate conversation she and my boyfriend had just a few minutes ago. I exploded. She was Spanish. She wasn't even Brazilian. She was an online friend. He sent messages talking about how he wanted to kiss her on her bed, about how he was horny, asking her for a fit check, and sending pictures of his underwear.
She checked his Instagram later just to find out my name in his bio. So she went over and sent me everything. Every screenshot.
I was betrayed. I never thought he would ever do this to me.
I talked to him. He said he was sorry, that he loved me, that he didn't get why he'd done that, that he was stressed, that he would never do it again, that I was wonderful, that I didn't do anything wrong and he didn't want to lose me...
I'll be honest, at that time, I didn't want to break up. But I HAD to.
So I broke up with him, but told him we could try again if he made an effort, and we should also talk in person about everything. Told him he should seek therapy and a psychiatrist. My condition was that he would tell me if he got together or flirted with another woman until I got back from vacations so we could have that talk.
It didn't take long for him to start telling me he was feeling numb. That he didn't think it was a good idea to get back together. However, he would send me good morning and good night texts every single day, and sometimes he would text me that he loved me. Weeks later, when he stopped texting as much, I found out he was flirting with other girls. So I cut off contact, and told him that I couldn't believe he didn't keep what he promised me (telling me if he flirted with someone else). He hid it from me, and I didn't even understand why.
Days later, I found out he slept with a prostitute, and even told his friends to gang b*ng her. My heart completely stopped. I was heartbroken.
My own depression came out of hiding. So I contacted a therapist, and tried to appreciate the other things in life other than him.
Later on, I came to know he was also working on himself, getting medicated and all.
2 months later, I come back to the state I studied in, where he already was. I come in peace, relaxed, and happy to be in another place full of opportunities. But my heart still weighed.
Then I went to have that talk to him. He apologized for everything. We had a long, long talk about things, and I felt a lot better. But then he started getting physical; hugging me for hours, caressing me, kissing my cheek, kissing my forehead, putting his hand on my thigh...
Before anything could get any more serious, I went back home alone.
Then, another day, he came to get gifts I had gotten for his family (it was his stepmom's birthday, whom I cherished, and on vacations it was his little brother's birthday). I wanted to go to the pharmacy after that, and he asked to accompany me. I accepted, as it was late and I didn't want to go alone.
After sometime, he started talking about how he missed me. How he missed my jokes, my humour, my personality, my presence in his life. He hugged me. I told him it was a bit late for that. That I had given him the chance to have me back, and he didn't appreciate it.
Then we went to talk in a park. We sat together, and he started to tell me even more things. That he would see my clothes and other things in his room and cry, wondering why he'd cheated on me, telling himself he was stupid for letting me go and disrespecting me. He would often miss his way from home and go to my place by mistake. That he'd never stopped loving me, and that he was just running away from conflict l.
Well. I couldn't help it. I missed him like hell and he told me everything I wanted to hear. I ended up kissing him.
We then got back together oficially after three months of going out and sorting things out. He's been wonderful, everything I asked for and more.
But it still hurts, as you might think.
Most of the times I feel insecure he comes running over to my place to make sure I'm not breaking up with him again.
He knows I know about the prostitute, btw.
I just don't get it. He says he regrets it, that he regretted before and after. Well, if he regretted before, he could have just not done it. I didn't get anything... I still couldn't accept why he'd done everything. I felt ugly, I felt like I was not enough...
Then he told me about his past with childhood trauma, which explained a lot to me in my head. I cried when he told me his story, and apologized for what they've done to him, because the person who did bad things to him him was his family and never apologized. He'd never told this story to anyone.
That alone explained a lot of things in my head. His hypersexuality, his tendency to deal with things alone, etc. But the prostitute thing still gets to me.
I keep wondering what she'd looked like. How was it. If he liked it. Why he'd done it.
He says he did it because he just wanted to forget everything, but it just didn't work. That he's here for me now, that he'll never do such thing again, that he'll be good to me from now on...
Idk what to do. I want to stop thinking about her, but idk how.

T/W: Mentions of Suicide and Schizophrenia.
It was the year of 2022, my personal life and family issues have gotten worse, for my mother who suffers from schizophrenia and depression went back to my grandmother's place because she couldn't handle the stress that comes with taking care of a household just a month before my 12th boards were going to start.
My heart ached for her but I knew with my exans a month away and other responsibilities of the household falling back on my shoulders, I was incapable of takinh care of her mentally.
I still casually chuckle at the thought of how I skipped my history pre-boards because she was feeling sick and suicidal and had done things before when I was younger so my heart did not dare leave her alone. My little sister who was only 10 at that time was genuinely scared and worried, would cry non stop. She said "Didi, is it because of me that mumma is going to die? Am I really that bad?" My heart broke that day.
Skip to 2 months later, the results came and the best of four marks was decent but not good enough to get me a college solely on merit. But I was fine, my aim was to prepare for CLAT anyway and so I did. Took a risk, conviced my father for a drop year and prepared diligently for 3 months straight but luck was not by my side, and my health started deteriorating- stomach issues, weak immue system, anaemia, fatal cramps from periods. Every month I felt like I was on a war against myself and hence, my motivation to study collapsed.
After my results my mother was back at our place because she couldn't live with her parents anymore, she missed us and was stubborn at how she was better and would like to be back and be a mother to both of her children. And she arrived, with full enthusiasm but alas, that didn't last long and she left again . I can't blame her honestly, we live in a place where the mental institutions are pathetic and not one relative nearby who could help us. And where was my father in the whole scene? He has been posted to a different state, kilometres away from us. Visiting only once a month, it was tough handing all the responsibilities of home along with my sister.
I am grateful for my father earns well, we had a cook and a helper to do all the chores but it was still tough. I would study hours and hours, help my sister with her academics, making her lunch, dropping her to the busy, grocery shopping, going to the coaching on weekends. It took a mental toll on me.
So the dreaded moment finally came in last December, tons of mocks, revisions and practice I went to the exam centre and sat for it. Mentally convicing myself that it will be okay, no need to nervous and it would just be fine. But I don't think my thoughts really went into my head because my mind went blank the moment I read the question paper and the exam anxiety kicked in. And god, it kicked in so hard I regret to this date.
After the exam, I cried and cried and cried. I was devastated, I did my best sure but the fact I could have done better only if I was capable enough to handle my anxiety ate me alive. I still remember the look on my father's face when the results came in a week later, it was as if he didn't even expect me to do well but was still disappointed that I didn't prove him wrong.
It took me two months almost to get out from that zone of self doubt, embarassment and low motivation. I decided everything is fine, life can give me another chance right? A person as passionate as me about law obviously deserves a chance to get into my dream college and be a successful person. But man, I was wrong.
Yesterday, I gave CUET conducted by the most esteemed agency which considers how important the future of it's aspirants are /s. And to say less, it went pathetic too lmao. My english is genuinely a strength of mine so I did well in that but an hour later, when I sat for General Test with time duration of one hour, I failed to attempt even half the number of questions I was required to. It wasn't as if I didn't study enough, did not do enough mocks or got extremely nervous. Infact, it was the complete opposite this time.
Yet, luck wasn't with me this particular juncture as well. NTA, infamous for it's paper leaks, disastrous management and cancelling exams did what it is good at. I was unfortunate that my invigilators had the least amount of respect for the students. Giving the paper 5 minutes late, not knowing the instructions properly, tons of signatures in between (which I actually do not mind) and shouting in the middle of examination at a boy who sat on another desk which wasn't his designated one. In hand we had 45 minutes, which I made full use of still, it wasn't sufficient.
Came home dejected, tired with centres being 30-40 kms away, I made the mistake of counting my marks and oh lord, I haven't stopped having anxiety attacks since then. I always knew there was no use of having so much of expectations from this exam but god it hurts, it aches and it is killing me. I worked day and night for the 2 and half a months setting everything aside. Every fear, each regret and now I am at loss because of something which isn't even my fault.
They say cut off will go low, but honestly how low can it go? I am at such position where even if I ace two subjects out of three, the one I failed was the deciding factor and without it, my name will be on no college list.
Maybe it's my fault, maybe I don't work hard enough, maybe my mind is messed up or maybe, I am just a lazy person who deserves no college seat because let's be real, if I was really worthy of it, I'd have it already. This is not a blame myself or my circumstances post, I just wanted to share the emotions I have been trying to suppress for the past year. Parent's don't really get it and think I am just another average Joe. Also, nobody around me is empathetic enough to hold my hand and console me. ( Expecting it seems wrong now too )
I said my life is over because I am genuinely scarred now, and yes it has only been two exams, I deserve to move on and I'll understand the later. But two consecutive failures where I genuinely worked hard, though wasn't enough, makes me think maybe I am not meant for this. As an elder daughter someday the responsibility of the household will fall on my shoulders, but if I can't even get a college to complete my education how will I do a job and earn money?
We don't have enough money to join a private college and all the entrance exams seems too tough for my dumb mind now. Thankyou if you read till the end.