Peace love ; happiness coloring pages

It's been over a year now since I left my abuser. I have been with that man for 7 years. He broke me. Manipulated me. SA'd me. He was verbally, emotionally, financially and sexually violent. He continues on living a normal life. He goes to work, he found a new girlfriend as soon as I left him, probably was already seeing someone before I left. And here I am. Still in therapy. Still unable to work. Barely able to finish the studies I started three years ago (First, so I could get a job to get him more money, then to prove to myself that I wasn't as worthless as he used to make me believe I was). Still suffering. And weirdly somehow missinh him. Well not him, really. The image of him I had in my mind. The person he was when he love bombed me. The mask he wore on good days.
I'm not sure whether it is the right place to post this, but I need to get it off my chest.
Somehow it feels like I had my shot at happiness and I screwed everything up by leaving. I know it's not true. He r*ped me. But a part of me still feel like I should've been better and that maybe none of that would've happened if I had been better. If I had been good enough, then he wouldn't have changed so much. He wouldn't have had to be such a monster. Again, I know it's not true. It's just feelings. But it also means that I'm terrified about dating again. I'm terrified that despite my best efforts, I might get back with someone who's so nice and caring who might become violent because they lose their patience due to how stupid and dumb I can be. I always forget something. No matter how hard I try, I always end up doing something wrong. Then another. And another. I'm weird and awkward. I can't just be normal. I don't think I ever could. I'm awfully clumsy. Deep down, I know that this clumsiness is so tiring and annoying, and that it is making me unreliable too, that even with the best intentions, nobody would be able to support it in the long run. I can't even bare it myself. So, if I meet someone, they'll either see it early and turn me down, or leave me early when they get tired of my stupidity, or they'll stay but become mean to me. Because they'll be tired of it. Because I won't be good enough. I don't wanna be with an abusive person ever again. But because I am what I am, I have to make peace with the fact that I'm not made for romantic love. I have to make peace with the idea that I'll just watch my friends get happy, grow up, have kids and/or fascinating jobs, rich social lives... While I'm just existing and growing old on my own, with a job I probably won't be able to chose as I'm already 32 yo and have never really worked before, with no love affair, with cptsd, with my shyness and my awkwardness. I have to make my peace with the fact that I will be alone. It's not even my ugliness (although, believe me, I didn't exactly win the lottery on that part either) for every taste exists, even towards objectively ugly people like me, but my annoying character that makes me think I don't stand a chance. Up until now, only violent men stayed with me once they realized how clumsy and how dumb I was. The others, the good people, left me with much care and delicacy because it was just too much to handle. I don't blame them. I would probably do the same if I were them.
I wish I was good enough.

Hello, everyone. How are you doing?
Around the time of the announcement of Bokuben' multiple routes, specifically the time around the 3rd route, I've been elaborating a way to reveal the what I believe to be the greatest secret this manga holds. No, it's not who is best girl, or the one true route, or how the girls' stories have parallels with certain fairy tale characters. It's actually the greatest achievement when it comes to hidden aspects that I've ever seen a manga pull off, done in such a way that pretty much nobody has talked about it, to my limited knowledge.
The greatest secret contained in this manga is how every single one of its elements has some parallel to the TAROT. No other manga I've read contains so much inspiration hidden in plain sight as this one.
Number of volumes, symbolism, character traits and interactions, plot progression, route themes, character birthdays, years it was serialized in (2017 to 2021), pretty much everything can be linked in some way to the Tarot. It's so beautiful I laughed like never before when I connected the dots. The hint was the Rizu color page during her route, showing the moon, and her route being the 18th volume. From there, my overthinking brain went into overdrive, and I had an epiphany. For example, did you know the hamster on the cover of volume 9 is named HAMI-chan, which is a reference to HAAMITO (Hermit), the 9th arcana, which is represented by Sawako, whose birthday is on August 3rd (8 = HA, 3 = MI)? That kind of connection is everywhere. Like, volume covers, we have:

• Fumino = Magician, Justice, Sun
• Rizu = High Priestess, Temperance, Moon
• Uruka = Empress, Strength, Devil (also the headmaster, with his "horn" hairs, who coincidentally has a chapter on vol 15), Star
• Mafuyu = Hierophant, Hanged Man, World
• Asumi = Chariot, Death, Judgment
• Sawako = Hermit
• Multiple = Lovers
• School = Tower

How about the first 22-23 chapters? Each one has some relation to the major arcana, in order.
Also, so many small elements on each cover relating to its respective arcana, like the stuff characters are holding (Fumino on vol 1, Rizu on vol 2, etc). The first (Star) and last (World) routes being depicted on the cover of volume 10 (Wheel), possessing a symbolic connection to the "mermaid" when it comes to the Tarot and alchemy, Alchemy itself having the Rizu and Sawako duo represent it (Rizu = psychology, Sawako = chemistry), Nariyuki (Fool) only appearing in person starting from the 4th volume cover, volume 7 (Chariot) having a scooter, and so, so much more.
Don't think the minor arcana were forgotten, either. Each route has some relation to it (Fumino = Pentacles, Rizu = Cups, Asumi = Swords/Scalpels?, Uruka = Wands/Brooms?, Mafuyu = little bit of each), and there are nods on vol 14 (Rizu with a golden ball, representing a pentacle, Fumino's minor arcana) and vol 11 (Fumino holding a cup, Rizu's minor arcana) to them as well.
Unfortunately, due to personal circumstances, I probably won't be able to finish compiling everything I've gathered into a cohesive file like "Of Ribbons and Lies", so I leave here the notes I did write down. At the very least, I wanted to be the one who tells everybody about the thing that brought me the greatest joy in my life.
Finally, if there's one thing I could ask for, it'd be for Rizu's birthday to be revealed as the same as mine, February 6th. Not only does it relate to her Tarot aspect, it's also the day the first chapter officially came out.
Cheers to everybody! Enjoy!
Peace out.
Notes:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Biav9sbouzziCM7fqA03gMoYhnwuVy0v/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CgGQw5fU88bXbs6_Tf2JTU_lK5JmPAxC/view?usp=sharing

Alright well folks keep asking an update and I have been meaning to, things went smoothish for a bit, but then got more fucked up again and then fine and then fucked again just this morning so here I am. Using you all to make sense of it.
Edit: here's the original post, sorry
https://www.reddit.com/relationship_advice/comments/1clivwd/i_36m_surprised_wife_32f_by_coming_home_early/
For the days after we talked a lot, she was adamant she wanted nothing to do with him, has no feelings other than friendship and now that she was aware both (a) the possibility of him trying (it is true I or she still don't *know* his intentions) and (b) my reaction to her behavior (leaving out his presence later with her in text messages to me after carpooling/putting our kid to bed, trickle-truthing me on her view of his possible intentions), she said she "doesn't want anything to do with him. no, just no."
She offered up her phone if I wanted to see their conversations, she did the location sharing thing on her iPhone. Was pretty clear that this was all some bullshit and she hates that this situation ever became a thing. She was losing a friend but was more than willing to.
We set some boundaries.

1. People over late at the house, just let the other person know. Obviously family doesn't count. Just to avoid any possibility of any inference, better to let each other know who is in our house that late, 1 on 1.
2. For people who may we feel even have hints of intentions beyond platonic, we should overshare with each other. (thanks helpful commenter) Not overanalyze every relationship but just things like "Doc X said this today, kinda weird" or "new guy at foraging seemed to like me a lot". Stuff like that.

I don't want to be a controlling person, I'm not that person but maybe because of my history I require more openness and communication about things like that in a relationship. She told me I was being too worried about her feelings/me being controlling and that was more than willing to do anything it took to rebuild any trust that was broken from the situation.
2nd session of marriage counseling and obviously topic came up first. I started to give a brief history but got interrupted by our child upstairs, I gave them some attention and came back down to continue. When I got to the part of coming home, taking a shower and confronting my wife, I can't remember who said what, but it was interrupted, talking happened and then the therapist said "and it sounds like (wife name) recognized what had happened and your past". Wife said she didn't know how close/similar some of the details were and the conversation moved on from there. The omission of his presence in text messages, trickletruthing, none of that was brought up.
But things were looking up, not sure I like the therapist but whatever. Things seem to be good. She seemed fairly contrite though I really was still bothered by the red and orange flags planted in my little mind garden.
Fast forward, a week? Something like that.
I fucked up. I guess I'm glad I did but I did fuck up. I don't sleep much, 5 hours max. Was up early, garden tending, made breakfast for little one and coffee for her, usual. I saw her work bag on the floor and I saw her journal in there. And I fucked up and I read it. I wanted to know if he (the 21M) was in her journal.
For some context, I read the journals of my late partner, who died over a decade ago, and it was a stupid horrible mistake. I read things that I shouldn't have, very raw thoughts and feelings, pros and cons list of me. Shit like that. Then, entries about the other man and her falling in love with him. And her thoughts about her conflicted thoughts about leaving me. Near the end, if I recall, she didn't know, she loved us both but we were so different. I kept the journals, still have them somewhere, but I did burn those last pages about him. I do recall telling myself that I was protecting future me. I'm glad I burned those pages and I'm glad I kept her journals but I don't venture to read them anymore. I will again when I'm older, to keep her alive in me somehow I guess.
Anyways, when I saw her journals in the bags I just grabbed them and I read the latest couple pages. Innocuous stuff until I got to about a month ago.
It said: "Texted all night and hike Monday"
Now that wasn't me she texted with or hiked with on that day, that was with him. When she forgot to get her prescription.
So that meant two things to me:

1. Who writes "texted all night" in their journal with someone they don't have feelings about? I'm not a journaler person, I don't like my thoughts enough to put them to paper, but that doesn't seem right to me. No name but def him, the dates match. I don't know, again, I don't journal so maybe anything can mean anything in there but what the fuck.
2. She had planned on hiking with him. She didn't tell me that. She told me of her plans going hiking after work to pass the time before the pharmacy opens, but never told me that he was going too.

In fairness, she told me after she sent pictures of the hike to me and his dog was in the photos. But she didn't mentioned they had planned it together, seemed spontaneous but I never asked I guess.
So yeah, I stopped reading. Kinda felt like I was shot with an arrow. Pretty horrible feeling because I thought things were going to be okay but I now I read this shit.
It was like 6am at this point, so I went on a run to clear my head and get the adrenaline out. Some tears too. Got home and they were still sleeping, when they woke up and we were alone I asked her again if she ever developed any feeling at all for him. She said no. I told her I read her journal. I apologized but I told her I read something and I needed an explanation.
She wasn't happy. She told me those are personal, her thoughts and not for other people. She was also confused as to what I could have possibly read about him/the situation that need explaining. She asked me to show her the entry, I did.
[context, they work overnights together]
Her response was: "Oh yeah, we texted a lot that night. He wasn't working but I was. You know I wasn't home right? I was working that night."
I asked why it was in her journal? And why were you were planning to hike with him but when you told me about your plans for that day, you never mentioned you were planning it with him?"
She said "Well I didn't know for sure he would come, we were talking bout it but I didn't know for sure" and the texted all night part "didn't mean anything", that journals are fragments, not full thoughts and she was just writing it
I didn't like that answers at all honestly. We had another long discussion where she reassured me it meant nothing, that it shouldn't be interpreted as anything about her having feelings for him. I believe her. I don't know how she journals so maybe this isn't far out of the norm, I don't know.
Have to be honest here, the trust I had in her, a lot of it left. Which is pretty much the basis of a relationship. A lot of people sent me messages after my post with spy cams and shit. If I had to resort to that, I'd just end the relationship I thought. Now here I am snooping on her journals.
Two days later, kid and I go out camping at a park for a couple nights (she's working). Have a blast. During that time away I decide it's important to me to know what conversations took place between them. Yes I snooped, but I think it's reasonable, at this point, to demand to know just what types of things are said between them. She offered earlier, I just never took her up on it because it was really obvious to me, she felt she had nothing to hide.
But after this journal entry thing, yeah I would like to know what 'texted all night' means. I thought if the conversation that night is just bullshit, sure whatever. If it's more, or that night is deleted or something, then I'll know. I honestly expected to read the messages, be reassured of her side of the story and move on.
So we got home yesterday from camping. This morning I asked her if I could read their conversations. Explained why and without hesitation she said yes and went to get her phone. Gave it to me and I sat to start reading.
They had been texting recently, mostly innocuous mushroom stuff, then a one/ a couple attempts by him to come ovego out foraging. I guess he was going to around our area (he lives an hour away) cruising on his motorcycle and her response to him was, as close as I can recall was:
"not today not allowed to have anyone at home. lol"
Alright what the fuck
She saw my face and asked what was wrong. I put the phone down and said I don't want to read anymore.
I asked if she had told him about my view on their relationship, or what happened or anything about him/heI. She said no. I asked again. She said no, he has no clue, she never mentioned anything.
I showed her the text and asked her why she would say that.
Why would she say "no one was allowed" at home? People are allowed in my home, that wasn't any of the boundaries we set together. He's been here, clearly. And why would she say that to him if she never mentioned anything like that to him?
Her response was that she meant she wasn't having people ovewas busy. She then told me "you were home that day...I don't get it". Yeah I didn't read the dates of the text but even so, why the fuck would you word it that way? That's not even close to "no, I'm busy today" or literally any other million ways to say I'm not available today. I'm not allowed to have people at home is entirely different. lol is entirely different.
I cannot see how on earth you get from those words to that meaning she says she was trying to convey. Maybe I'm wrong. She said she didn't mean it that way it's not her mother tongue. To be fair, English is not her first language. She's quite fluent and has learned it from childhood but it's not her primary language. We've spoken exclusively English together for the ~decade I've known her. You wouldn't know it wasn't her primary talking to her unless you had a good ear. But she's right, maybe it just is a mistranslation. She said it was "clumsy" and not meant in any way to convey anything more than "I'm not available today".
We talked all morning until she went to bed. She reassured me she loves me and only me. I walked through every red flag, every opportunity for her to be honest an open. I asked why she didn't tell me about his recent attempts to meet up again?
She said she didn't know she should have told me. She said she didn't know she had to replay every conversation with him to me. I said she didn't, that's not what I was asking. But I was asking for her to be extra open about her relationship with him to me and him asking to come over, twice, definitely would require her letting me know.
I told her she didn't respect me at all. I told her she didn't care enough to tell me. I told her she's not being open and honest with me. That it's not me and her against the world, that this relationship is something else.
She reassured me it meant nothing but now that she sees how that text could be read that way (as if they had discussed him not being allowed in our home, she still denies), that she understands why I would react that way. She was frustrated, she said "it feels like a little fly came into my life and shit all over everything", referring to him and his advances as the cause of what fucked this all up.
I reiterated to her, every step along the way, in which she could have been truthful to me and decide to omit information.
Texting all night and planning the hike.
Staying over late after carpooling together, after our kid went to sleep, texting me and not mentioning he was still over.
Trickle-truthing me on whether she thinks he's interested in her.
His two offers to meet via text/messenger or whatever (that I saw, didn't look more) that she didn't think to tell me about.
And her reply of "not today not allowed to have anyone at home. lol" whatever the fuck that means.
Her position is still the same, that this is all the bad coincidences and misunderstandings, misreading texts or journal entires, etc. But she says she loves me, has only eyes for me and better understands now where I'm coming from.
So.. there's my little hell I've got for myself.
Personal therapy starting soon but I guess reddit therapy will do for now. It's somehow therapeutic to remember this and type it all out. Sorry, looking back this is insanely long, it's too long to proofread if shits garbled. Took me all day to write I guess.
Last post I felt very overwhelmed by the response, sorry I didn't respond to a lot of comments or questions or clarifications. I'll try to do better here, since this is probably the final time I'll use reddit as therapy.
Thanks in advance. I guess I should ask in this field of flags is there some green grass? I trust my wife. I did. When she tells me she loves me and only me, I'm convinced. Or is this all as fucked as the plain reading makes it seem? Because it does seem quite fucked.

Since I was a 8 years old, 30 now, I have been FASCINATED by aliens. For no apparent reason. My parents never talked about anything like this. The only thing that came close was angels, demons, Jesus, god, etc. but for some reason I have been compelled to love the phenomenon. Like a burning desire for more everyday since forever all I think about is how to make contact, have an experience, have anything physical show me proof that my love for this is valid.
I’ve always wanted a sighting. I would sit for hours and just look at the sky and imagine an orb, saucer, disc, gears within gears, anything to manifest and never, not once, even up until me writing this have I ever experienced one.
The past couple of weeks I’ve started to realize that maybe I’m not ever going to see one and I’m okay with that now. Not due to fatigue or pessimism, but because I believe I am being shown proof in a different way throughout my life.
I am starting to believe that the phenomenon isn’t seeing or talking to an alien, but being shown that reality isn’t what we think. The more I sit and meditate on this I believe I’m coming to the conclusion that the following is proof of the others or other reality that exists:
1) i have consistent precognitive dreams. Dreams that when they happen in real life I recognize them to the minute detail. These are dreams that I have verified in a journal that have came absolutely true in real life. One example. February 17, 2023, dream of me sitting at a desk with grayish color, computer screen to the left of my peripheral, paper sitting on the right corner of desk, vision focused on door opening to where I am peering through another open door that opens outdoors, propped open by a stool. Pieces of paper on the wall next to the opening outdoors. At the time this scenario is 100% foreign, no idea where this place is or why I would even be there.
Flash forward to yesterday.it hits me. Same exact vantage point, same everything. I am now sitting in my new office that is in a construction trailer. Where the door is propped open because we start at 6am and the morning breeze is nice before the heat starts.
These dreams these predictive dreams happen to me so consistently that I know when I am having a precognitive dream. And write it down.
And
2) my life has came to this point to recognize the phenomenon, even though I grew up in an environment that would have birthed someone that doesn’t think twice about it. This burning passion has zero logical sense since I have never experienced a sighting or catalyst that merits such infatuation.
I’m starting to believe that “experiencing” doesn’t mean aliens at the White House. It means anything that can subject you to a different way of looking at reality. Since I have verified, although personally, my literal future self. it has allowed me to think more openly about space, time, matter, reality, dimensions, etc. all the major themes that I have seen others comes to terms with after their physical sightings. In any case I would still very much welcome an encounter. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Peace and love!

Hopefully this isn’t downvoted instantly, because I know people seem to get strangely very defensive about Beast’s characterization in this run. I think there is a lot of miscommunication whenever a Beast fan complains about how he was depicted here. Often times people will discount those complaints because they think Beast fans just don’t want him to go bad, when that doesn’t really seem to be the whole truth from what I’ve seen. Ultimately, the complaints I raise and I have seen others raise are more about thinking the writing of his spiral in X-Force 2019 was not done well rather than that said spiral shouldn’t have happened at all. With the Krakoa era coming to an end, and “From the Ashes” having the now-rebooted Beast who is pulled all the way from his time on The Defenders, I don’t see any of the flaws here being addressed beyond characters casually referring to how bad he became. So I wanted to take this time in the in-between, where our new Beast is apparently just chilling on Wonder Man’s couch while the rest of the X-Men fight against Orchis and Nimrod, to once and for all lay out the flaws of Beast’s villainous era, and establish not that it shouldn’t have happened, but that it could have been way better.
Problem 1: A Lack of Pathos:
Most X-Men fans who have been reading for awhile will agree that it’s honestly surprising more mutants haven’t gone down a dark path. Their history is one of striving for acceptance, putting their lives on the line for people who would rather see them dead, and being rewarded with not one but multiple genocides on their population. Some of the most interesting stories can actually come from a formally “upstanding” mutant finally deciding enough is enough. When Cyclops went down his “villainous” path, it made a lot of sense. We’d seen him becoming more disenfranchised with the dream for years. We’d seen his trust in Xavier erode time and time again, and so when he decided to stop asking for acceptance and start demanding it, it was hard to blame him. Even as we saw most of his friends turn against him, that didn’t stop people from declaring “Cyclops Was Right,” because his perspective could easily be understood, and he did achieve results. More recently in X-Men ‘97, we saw Rogue go down a dark path in the wake of Genosha being wiped out, including Magneto and Gambit. Again, this was understood, and it was an interesting direction for her character.
This sort of turn would also make a ton of sense for Hank McCoy. Did you know that back towards the start of the original Uncanny X-Men run, Hank was actually the first X-Men we ever saw to leave the team and say that Magneto was right, after he and Bobby were attacked by an angry mob because Hank used his powers to save a young child? Over the years, one of Hank’s most recurring struggles and arcs is self-loathing and eventual acceptance of his condition. Hank has always been at his darkest when he’s trapped in his spiral of self-loathing, but when he comes out the other side, he tends to be one of the most optimistic mutants when it comes to coexistence with humans. He was out making connections and fighting alongside non-mutants before anyone else. Joining the Avengers and Defenders, speaking on behalf of mutant rights before congress, dating human women who were able to accept his appearance, blue fur and all. Until they weren’t… looking at you, Trish Tilby.
So with all of this in mind, it would honestly be an extremely interesting arc to see Hank, this optimistic mutant who has spent his life building bridges and making connections with humanity, to be slowly beaten down and start to believe peace is not an option. As one of the original X-Men, he has been there through every tragedy that struck the mutant population. And as one of the smartest X-Men, he has usually been at the center of these crises. He has seen advancements in science meant to eradicate the mutants. He has fought against viruses that threaten to drive them extinct. He was there in the wreckage of Genosha. He has seen countless friends killed again and again. He has suffered his own mutation evolving and making him less and less human-looking. He saw the development of a mutant “cure” and was tempted to take it. He has seen it all.
And so that brings us to Krakoa. This is the moment where the mutants as a whole decided enough was enough. If they could not be accepted by humanity, they would pack up and form their own nation, and they would force humanity to accept that they exist by developing life-saving drugs that other nations would have to rely on. And what is one of the first things that happens after the establishment of Krakoa? Hank witnesses assassins infiltrate the island and assassinate Charles Xavier. This right here is honestly the perfect setup for Hank to go darker than he has before. Even after literally segregating the mutant population from humanity, like humanity seemed to want, they still decided to come and kill the man at the forefront of the movement. And Hank, recently placed in charge of mutant black-ops, would likely see that all options are on the table.
Unfortunately, Hank’s actual pathos surrounding the decisions he would go on to make is not explored by the book itself. The book has no interest in detailing Hank’s fall from grace as we saw with Cyclops before him. The book just wants us to accept that Hank has already fallen. And in fact, according to the writing, maybe he never had anywhere to fall from. Any time a character in X-Force tries to ask important questions to understand Hank’s thought process, they are cut off. Usually by Wolverine saying “He’s always been like this.” And then on one occasion, when Wolverine asked Hank why he was doing all this dark shit, Hank said, “Didn’t you read the script? I’ve always been like this.” There is no attempt to examine Hank as a character. We don’t need to know why Hank makes the decisions he does, because this book wants Hank to be a black and white villain and so that’s what he will be. Why? Because he’s always been like this.
Problem 2: Rapid Escalation:
One of the major defenses people have when it comes to Krakoan Hank is that he has apparently been on the road to his villainous self for over a decade. The X-Force run itself loved to have characters spout a list of Hank’s previous “crimes” without any context involved, as justification for why he was acting the way he did in the current run. The problem is, that context is very important. Because it shows the disparity in the Hank of previous stories who made mistakes with good intentions vs the Hank of X-Force who did heinous shit because he wanted to. This was less a plane making a slow descent and more a plane that was slowly descending, but then its engines shut off and it plummeted into a fiery explosion.
To make this case, we need to briefly analyze the previous perceived transgressions of Hank McCoy to show what they actually meant for his character and how they differ from the Bond villain X-Force would present us with. Let’s start with Threnody. Somehow, Threnody became a bit of a buzzword for the beginning of the end for Hank. When people talk about the history of Hank and Threnody, they will usually present it as one of Hank’s worst sins, saying something like “Hank callously handed Threnody over to Mr. Sinister so he could experiment on and abuse her!!!” It kind of makes for some whiplash when you actually read the Threnody story people are talking about. Here is a brief rundown of what actually happens:
Threnody is a young woman who cannot control her powers. It causes her no end of grief, and when we are introduced to her, she is homeless and constantly in danger of hurting herself or others. Beast, Rogue, and Iceman come across Threnody who has been found first by Mr. Sinister. Sinister actually has a vested interest in curing the Legacy Virus, and believes he can help Threnody master her powers, at which point she will prove vital in his efforts to study said Virus. Notably, Threnody wants to go with Sinister here. While Rogue disapproves, Hank does believe that Sinister is actually Threnody’s best option, openly stating Sinister can actually help her gain control and the X-Men cannot, because, as Hank directly says, Sinister is willing to damn parts of his soul in pursuit of scientific enlightenment, and the X-Men are not. A few issues later, when breaking into Sinister’s base, Hank encounters Threnody again. She’s happy. Sinister did indeed help her control her powers, and she has been able to use her abilities to help mutants the world over, while also undermining Sinister’s more evil operations from the inside. Hank expresses relief, saying he was kept up at night by his decision to let her go with Sinister, but Threnody actually thanks him for letting her. And that’s it. That’s Hank’s big “crime” here.
Hank’s other “sins” are also of varying levels of severity. There’s the time “Hank worked with his evil self to cure the Legacy Virus!” when the actual story in question is Hank asserting that he won’t stoop to the levels of Dark Beast and compromise his values in the name of science. There’s the time “Hank sided with the Inhumans against the X-Men!” when the actual story is Storm sending Hank to Attilan to find a way to end the conflict between mutants and inhumans before war broke out. Hank runs out of time to find a cure for the terrigen mist cloud, suggests mutants get off-world in the meantime rather than go to war with the inhumans, is thrown into a cell by the other X-Men for his “betrayal”, and then freed at the conclusion of the war by a repentant Storm when it comes to light that the whole conflict was manipulated by Emma Frost. There’s the time “Hank risked the timestream by bringing the original X-Men to the present day!” A decision that was made on his perceived deathbed with the hopes of bringing his old friend Cyclops back to his side. Hank wants to take the young mutants back right away, but they refuse. And instead of others enforcing that they need to return, we actually see Kitty Pride decide to lead them in the present in memory of Charles Xavier. Notably, Kitty would be one of the many mutants in future issues who would yell at Hank about this.
The point of this post isn’t to absolve Hank of all fault. He has made countless mistakes and bad decisions. Regardless of the culpability of others, the pulling of the O5 to the present was his decision. During Secret Empire, Hank would turn a blind eye to Hydra’s activity simply to keep the mutants under his care safe. During all of this, however, Hank’s character was not compromised. He expressed despair and regret over his worse choices, and struggled with thinking he was a good person any longer. Again, going back to his recurring struggle with self-loathing. He had pathos behind his decisions and how they affected him, and would often reunite with Wonder Man as an opportunity to recenter and declare he would “be better tomorrow than he was yesterday.”
You would think, if the aim of X-Force was to turn Hank into a full-on villain, it would take advantage of the long-form storytelling of comics to chronicle that escalation. Like I said, the assassination of Charles Xavier is a great starting point for Hank to start going darker than he ever has before. The problem is, we don’t get an escalation. Hank starts the run by doing some of the most heinous shit imaginable. Regardless of your thoughts on the severity of Hank’s previous mistakes, none of them compare to his opening volley in this run. Hank uses telefloronics to override and genocide an entire country, leaving various people either completely dead or braindead. We later find out that during this time he also established a space station where he ran unethical experiments on prisoners like Krakoa’s very own Dr. Mengele. He then accuses his old ally Colossus of conspiring with Russia against Krakoa, and calls forth the mutant population to witness as he parades a shamed Colossus through its streets. Then he kills Wolverine and resurrects him as a mindless animal who he uses as an attack dog against his perceived enemies. This isn’t an escalation, this is a different character. And the aforementioned lack of pathos means that we don’t get to see him struggle with these choices. We don’t see his thought process as he becomes darker and darker. Why would we? “He’s always been like this.”
Problem 3: No Personality:
One of the most fun aspects of turning a protagonist into an antagonist is seeing how their personality works with a more villainous mindset. When Cyclops became an “antagonist” to the X-Men, he was still Cyclops. He stuck to his convictions, he was a great leader and tactician, and he was able to turn many mutants to his side because of this. We’ve seen an evil Beast before. The creatively-named Dark Beast is from an alternate future where Beast went down a dark path lacking ethics. The fun of this character, besides comparing his ideologies with our Hank McCoy, is seeing how Hank’s penchant for jokes or quotes now become far more sinister and cutting.
There’s a strange narrative that the jokey Hank is reserved for the Avengers while the Hank with the X-Men is all business and science. This isn’t entirely true. Early on when he was a member of the Defenders, Hank talks about this sort of thing. He essentially says that he wears different hats. While working with the X-Men, he used big words essentially to gain respect from both his teammates and humanity. But with other teams, and in his then-new furry form, he dropped all of that. His speech became more naturalistic and he was much more of a goofball. The thing is, it’s the speech patterns that truly change depending on who Hank is hanging with, not his personality. Hank with the X-Men and Hank with the Avengers are both jovial characters who like to tell jokes and quote philosophy. You can see Hank being a bit of a clown among the X-Men in various runs. So it’s not like it’s a given that Hank is some entirely different dry doctor devoid of any sense of humor when among the X-Men.
But this is how Hank is portrayed in X-Force. Part of why this version of Hank is so hard to reconcile with the rest of his history for fans of the character is that he just doesn’t act like himself, even when he isn’t actively committing war crimes. In one early issue of the run, we get a glimpse at Beast’s journal where he accounts a meeting he had with Forge. Now, Beast has been known to be a very physical character. He is often known to sweep others into a hug, or even plant a big kiss on their face in the case of characters like Wonder Man or Iceman. Meanwhile this one page where we read his thoughts on Forge is clearly pretending this is not the case:

I paid Forge a visit in the Armory – and I must say that he can be, like Logan, rather impossible. There is a certain locker room bravado about him I find perplexing, like a language I only half understand. For instance, he refused to shake my hand but instead dragged me into what he called a “bro hug.” Then he challenged me to a “feat of strength,” asking if I would test out this sappy “muck bomb” he had developed that – or so I gather – glues one in place. He wondered if a “big boy” like me might be able to thrash free of the binding. I refused him and said I very much would prefer to get down to business. He then referred to me as a “bookish peckerwood @#$%” but did so with a friendly laugh and clapped me on the shoulder hard enough to make me stagger. I’m not sure how to process this, honestly. Is he being friendly or cruel? Is it possible to be both?

Needless to say, this doesn’t read like Beast. It reads like an android that has never before felt human emotion. I remember before reading this I was theorizing that Hank had been switched with Dark Beast once more to explain his sudden escalation, but after this I realized that couldn’t be the case. Because this sounds like neither Beast nor Dark Beast. Dark Beast understood how to properly write Hank as a villain. He doesn’t suddenly become your typical made scientist devoid of emotion, humor, or basic human understanding. He still makes jokes that are now cruel. He still quotes literature in a way that paints him as a god among men. Hank going bad can be a fun read, but this run was not.
Problem 4: No One Cares:
Another important angle to consider when writing a story of a good person breaking bad is how it affects those around them. Those who are close friends to the person and find themselves disturbed by their current actions. Again, I return to Cyclops. Regardless of where you stand on if he was right or not, he was very much positioned as an antagonist to the mutants at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning. Yet we see various friends of Cyclops still caring for him and wanting to pull him back from what they perceive as the dark side. Like I previously said, Beast’s whole reason for messing with the timeline was because he felt he was going to die and wanted to try to appeal to his old friend and bring him back around before he passed on. When someone good goes bad, part of the emotional core is seeing former friends try to appeal to their better nature, and even eventually deciding they’ve gone too far to turn back.
Not so with Hank in X-Force. Like I said, this run posits that this is not any kind of heel turn for Hank. This is how he’s always been. “Hank this isn’t you!” “No, he’s always been like this.” “Hank, turn back before it’s too late!” “Turn back where? He’s always been like this.” None of Hank’s friends give a shit. Hank’s best friend amongst the X-Men is Bobby Drake, Iceman, and we never once see any kind of confrontation there. Cyclops and Angel similarly doesn’t care. Now you could argue this is because X-Force is a secretive organization. Bobby and Scott don’t even know what Hank is doing. There are two issues with this. First, things reach a point where they would know. Hank’s actions become public knowledge, and Wolverine goes off to hunt him down while the rest of the X-Men just kinda look the other way. And second, there is someone with a lot of history with Hank that was a part of X-Force and did see everything that was going on. Jean Grey.
But we never get to see Jean wonder what’s happened to her close friend. Jean who was always incredibly close to Hank. Jean who, it was confirmed during the All-New X-Men era, had mutual feelings for Hank and might have started dating him had things been different. But no, Jean, like every character in this run, accepts that Hank has always been like this. That’s the answer to everything. So instead of some kind of emotional confrontation where she tries to appeal to his better nature, we instead have Jean yell at Hank, use her powers to throw him against a wall, and quit X-Force. And then most recently, we see her tell Firestar without hesitation to throw Hank under the bus for any heat that comes her way from her undercover mission. Because everyone will believe Hank is responsible for all the bad shit. Who the hell cares about Hank? According to this run, no one.
Conclusion:
I hope you can see the larger issue here. When Beast fans complain about his Krakoan era, people assume they just don’t want to see their favorite do bad things. But it’s practically accepted at this point in comics that most heroes will have a villain arc. Hell, Iceman is the only one of the original five X-Men who hasn’t gone down a dark path at this point. The problem is that everything about the writing of Hank during this time was just not done well. There is no exploration of Hank’s descent into villainy, and any questioning down that line is immediately shut down by the assertion that this is just who he’s always been. There isn’t any slow escalation because his first move is genocide. Hank is not even written as himself during this era, but rather as a generic bond villain. And none of Hank’s former close friends even show any emotion about his turn to villainy. An evil Hank story could easily work. We saw it with Dark Beast. A story where the former optimistic member of the X-Men has been beaten down so many times that he takes on a “whatever it takes” mentality could be interesting and emotionally resonant as we both understand what drove him here yet hate the man he’s become. But that isn’t what we got. We got a run that wrote him as a complete stranger and then had all the characters tell the reader that they were wrong for ever thinking he was anyone else.

This is super long but I need help badly.
I (f24) recently married the love of my life (m27). We had been together for 6 years before getting married. I’m mentally ill (Bipolar, ADHD, Anxiety, PTSD) but have been very stable for a year, even though I had an episode a few months ago. I used to use drugs and I’ve attempted suicide before. He’s been with me through it all. After he proposed, we had a long talk about me explaining that I need help. I basically gave him an out. I told him that I will do everything I can for us, but that I’ll need more from him than he will from me. He agreed and I reminded him that I’m stable now and that could change. But he’s lied to me a lot and won’t communicate.
I’ve worked really hard to get him to communicate with me, but he doesn’t do a great job at it. He’ll get upset over small things and take his anger out on me by being cold. I encouraged him to read a marriage book that my counselor recommended and he says he will but I have to constantly remind him. He also lies to me, which I’ve asked him not to. He’s also asked me to share less and less personal stuff with him. Like if I’m feeling suicidal or feel like self harming or any fights with my parents. Recently, I suggested we go to his parent’s house for Mother’s Day because I know he’s been missing his mom. It’s extremely stressful for me and I get severe anxiety with his family since I’m still learning their language and they don’t speak mine. We were running late, but he’s Hispanic so his family hadn’t even started on dinner by the time we were supposed to be there. I was taught by my parents to show up on time. I was taught by my husband and his family to show up whenever. So I asked my husband if I could have time to curl my hair and it would make us 20 extra minutes late. He said yes but I double checked and his answered stayed the same. He started acting weird, quiet, and stressed. It started stressing me out but we left. Then we stopped by the store to get flowers but they had none so he came into the car and slammed the door. It scared me so I teared up and he kept saying, “Let’s go home, I don’t want to go anymore.” I wanted to go home but I knew that he didn’t so I apologized for crying, put on his favorite song, scratched his back, and told him I’m going to continue driving to his parent’s and if he really wants to go home, tell me. He didn’t say anything and I was trying not to cry, but I was upset I ruined it and I was extremely overwhelmed. We got to his parent’s, he gave me a hug, then said “sorry.” He went inside like nothing was wrong so I acted happy too. We were only supposed to stay for 2 hours. 1.5 hours in my stomach started hurting bad so I asked my husband if we could leave. He said yes but we ended up staying 3 hours. On the drive home, he said that it was me curling my hair that made him stressed. I was really angry. We came home and he asked if I needed to vent about what was going on and that he wouldn’t get upset. I basically told him that he’s been rude to me lately, not taking care of me, and not appreciating the things I do. I explained how tonight he lied to me into thinking that something was okay, because he said it was okay, but he takes his anger out on me for it. He got very upset and told me he’s going out of town for work for 3 days. I told him I’m not okay with that. Going out of town for work is a rare thing and optional. Last time he did it, he didn’t tell me until I called him at the time he was supposed to be home (6pm) and he said he’s not coming home until 4am. When that happened, I asked him that next time he communicate it with me and accept trips no longer than 2 days. He agreed then. He basically told me that he wasn’t asking and he needs this to get away from me and he’ll be leaving Wednesday and come back early Friday. I told him we should compromise and he just ignored me. This all happened on Mother’s Day.
A few days ago, my mom got in a really bad car accident. I asked him to cancel his trip so he could help me with her and he said no and made up some bs excuse. I called out the excuse and told him to tell me the truth and he said he needs this. So I said okay and dropped it. Then last night I see him packing and ask him why he’s packing if he’s not leaving until Wednesday. He told me he’s leaving on Tuesday. I break down into tears and tell him this is not how relationships work. You can’t just do things on your own, lie, and not communicate and expect things to be okay. I also found out he gets back late Friday night. I felt heartbroken and had a panic attack. He asked me if there’s anything he can do to help and I told him he can cancel the trip and use $300 to take a weekend for himself at a hotel. It’s a fair compromise. At least I’ll be prepared for that. I needed his help on Tuesday (today) and had a plan to have a fun night together so I don’t bother him with any of my problems while I’m gone. He said no he’s going on the trip. He told me a month ago that because he does so much for me, he feels like he shouldn’t have to compromise. I started crying harder and told him that this isn’t good for my mental health and he starts punching the couch and then goes into our room and slams the door. I just sit on the couch afraid to move and afraid to make it worse. I convinced myself that the greatest gift I could give him is peace and just tell him it’s okay if he goes. I went in to tell him that and he replies that he “doesn’t care.” I told him I have some requests. I want him to text me every morning, have a 30 minute minimum phone call every night, that he reads the book for at least 30 minutes daily, that he attends a counseling session with me, and when he comes home for the weekend he apologizes and treats me better than he’s ever treated me. Most importantly, I asked that he would be kind to me that night so we could have a good memory. He said he can’t just pretend nothing’s wrong and be nice to me. He said he’s mad at himself, not me. I told him that he’s taking it out on me. He finally was nice. I asked for his help creating a plan in case I feel suicidal since my therapist is away for 2 weeks. He wouldn’t help me with it. That’s how we ended the night. I woke up this morning in pain. I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t complete my responsibilities. He texted me good morning but they were just words. His words are meaningless and I got angry and said some things I regret. Like sending him a picture of his vows and calling them lies. He told me he would call me 3 hours ago but he hasn’t. I feel so much anger towards him but I need to keep it inside or else I’ll make the situation worse.
I truthfully want to kill myself. I feel like our relationship is over. I’ve been thinking of going to a hospital but I can’t miss work because he wants to get out of our current living situation and every dollar counts.
I don’t know how to make him communicate or be honest with me. He’s not always like this. For example, we had a great weekend together and he took such good care of me. When he acts like this, it can trigger a minor episode since I’m medicated because of all the stress. Which sucks because I need his support more and he withholds it. It all feels like a punishment for the venting I did.
I’m sorry this is long but I need some type of advice, hope, reassurance, or something to make me not want to die. I’m off today and can’t imagine going into work tomorrow or the next 2 days. I’m a registered behavior technician (RBT) that works with an autistic client. I’m so depressed how am I supposed to help anyone else?

Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for the NOP Universe.
Hey, I hope everyone's doing well!
Today we return to the namesake of this fic, an actual lesson about animals. This one focuses on Koalas! One of Australia's most recognisable critters. I hope you enjoy.
It's hardly worth mentioning, seeing as I'm an infrequent poster at the best of times, but I'll not have another chapter out for a few weeks due to limited free time and devoting most of my writing time to an upcoming ficnapping. Be sure to look out for that!
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Memory transcription subject: Rysel, Venlil Environmental Researcher
Date [Standardised human time]: 8th September 2136
“Koalas!”
Bernard’s energised voice boomed through the air as the classroom's monitor flickered into life, images of this paws lecture topic popping up one after the other until the entire screen was filled with a collage of furry quadrupeds.
Squee! I’ll never get tired of this, it’s all so cool!
As usual the sight of something new stirred immediate discussion, hushed murmurs swelling into vibrant discourse in little more than a heartbeat. Most of the class swiftly huddled together into small herds to bounce ideas around while the rest opted to stick to the solace of their own thoughts as they took in the display.
I’d be quite happy in either situation, though seeing as Sandi had already sunk into deep concentration and Kailo had peeled off to talk with Ennerif and Solenk, it seemed the decision had been made for me on this occasion. Wasting no more time on idle inspection of the people around me, I focused my full attention forward, eager to form first impressions before the lesson began in earnest.
Now then, time to make some educated guesses. What traits does this animal have? I wonder if I’ll get any right this paw?
Professional assumptions went paw-in-paw with the lectures, examining and coming up with hypotheses about the specimens was only natural. Recently however, I’d started to make a little game of it to make things even more interesting than usual. A veritable bonfire of ideas had been set ablaze within me, fueled by my newfound knowledge of Earthen wildlife. Every flash and spark of the flame was a fresh theory I could try to apply to the lectures. It was an invigorating exercise that further stoked my unceasing wonderment.
So far I’d only done this once during the previous class and, to my disappointment, I’d not done too well.
I was right when I guessed that chickens were omnivores, but wrong in my assumption that they could fly. And that red thing on their head, the um… what was it called? The comb! Yes, the comb. I thought that was to attract mates, but it regulates body heat instead. It’s fascinating. Oh! Stars damn it I’m rambling!
I bapped my tail against my leg, the soft thud being just enough to snap me back from my runaway thoughts before I went completely wall-eyed. I was becoming more and more accustomed to getting lost in my own head while remaining conscious of the fact; it was happening so frequently now that it was pretty much impossible not to. Now I was able to pull myself back to the world around me without having to rely on someone else shaking me out of it. Most of the time anyway.
Sandi still keeps an eye on me, and Kailo even decided to help out once without being too snide about it. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, Koalas.
Glancing at the furred animals, two things immediately stood out. Firstly, their eyes were in a more central position on their face. And second, all the images showed them being on or close to trees. There were other noteworthy observations of course, such as the Koala’s prominent nose and rounded features, but they fell to the wayside as I honed in on these points first.
Hmmm… ok. I already know to discount the idea that they’re predators just from eye position, so let’s get that thought out of here. Maybe omnivorous? Herbivore? Agh no, I can’t just guess that for the sake of guessing, that’s the same problem! Hrm, it’s tough making these assumptions now that everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head.
Nevermind, I’ll focus on the other thing. All the trees make me think they’re arboreal, that seems to be a reasonable assumption. I wonder what else they-
Clearing his throat, Bernard broke my concentration, his call for attention silencing the murmuring conversation and redirecting everyone's focus to the lecturer's podium.
His gaze panned across the room as he waited for everyone to settle, a beaming smile lighting up his face, “As ever I’m delighted to see you all get so into the subject matter from the get go. I’m looking forward to hearing what you were discussing should you wish to share. For now though, how about we get started, hm?”
A chorus of merry bleats rang out from across the audience, ears and tails flicking happily in agreement. Bernard's grin grew in tandem with the class's fervour, clasping his hands together enthusiastically as he launched into the lesson, “Excellent! Then let’s get started.”
The pictures on screen dissolved away until only one remained, enlarging to cover the entire monitor with the fluffy grey face of a Koala peacefully reclining in the crook of a tree.
“Ah, there we are,” Bernard’s baritone timbre drifted through the room as he looked up at the image, his own tone reflecting the relaxed attitude of the animal on screen, “He looks so comfortable doesn’t he? Perfectly at peace with the world, not too surprising considering they sleep almost 20 hours a day. A full paw!”
A wave of beeps and gasps rippled through the herd, punctuated by a single yawn-dressed comment from Rova, “A full paw? Hwuuu… jealous.”
Her drowsy remark elicited several whistling giggles from the herd, Bernard's own jovial chortle joining them as he turned to face her, “Late evening Rova?”
I twisted a little in my seat, panning an eye in Rova’s direction just in time to see her bleary eyes bulge open and her ears shoot up, now intensely aware of the fact she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought she had.
Sitting up abruptly, she hastily tapped down errant tufts of wool that’d flared in surprise as she composed herself, though her nervousness at becoming the centre of the class's attention was still plain for all to hear, “Uh- I um… achem, a little bit yes, um- …sorry. Lokki dragged me out to a movie viewing in the rec centre. It went on pretty late.”
A melodramatic bray from the other side of the room drew everyone's ears away from Rova to the now aghast Lokki, paw splayed across his chest in faux indignation, “Dragged you? Well excuse me for trying to broaden your horizons with human movies. That’ll be the list time I- …Ahaaaa…”
Lokki’s theatrics were cut short by a heavy yawn of his own, a swell of whistling laughter rolling through the herd as vibrant bloom lit up his snout, a sight that elicited a particularly amused bleat from Rova.
Turning away from the duo I looked back at Bernard, pleased to see that he was chuckling along with us. Behaviour like Lokki’s would never have been tolerated in my school and university days but, in stark contrast, Bernard revelled in it, the liveliness of his students fueling his own bombastic style of teaching. It was a pleasant change of pace having a teacher who let us all be ourselves in class; provided we weren’t too disruptive to the lesson plan.
Speaking of which.
His laughter still rumbling through the air, Bernard clapped his hands to pull everyone's focus back to him, “Ok, ok, let’s get back to it then shall we? Rova. Lokki. Hopefully the two of you can stay awake long enough until you can grab yourselves a coffee.”
As the class settled down and the last few giggling beeps petered out, Benard pointed a hand to the screen, “So, the Koala. Let’s start simple shall we? They are herbivorous marsupials native to the eastern and southern coasts of Australia. Easily recognised the world over, they are a well known and beloved symbol of their homeland, along with other animals such as the Kangaroo and the Emu. The former of which you might remember from one of our earlier lectures.”
Indeed I did remember, along with how angry Bernard had gotten after some speh-head had derided the Yotul after he explained how he held specific disdain for such attitudes.
Uuuggghh… I never want to see him angry again. So chilling.
I shook my ears in an effort to dismiss the unpleasant memory, panning my eyes back to the monitor to try and distract myself by inspecting the Koala’s physical appearance once more. Thankfully, by some Star's blessed intervention, Bernard had the exact same idea.
“Koala’s are rather squat in stature, ranging around sixty to eighty-five centimetres in length and weighing little more than fifteen to sixteen kilograms at their full size. As you can see, the fur of this fellow before you is a lovely silvery grey, but their fur can also sport a chocolaty brown hue as well. Arguably the most distinctive part of their appearance is their head, being rather large for their body size and having rounded ears, a large nose, and a pair of small eyes. These are often brown but variations do occur.”
It didn’t slip past my notice that Bernard didn’t bother to point out that the Koala’s eyes were forward facing. I didn’t think he’d simply forgotten, so perhaps he just felt it wasn’t necessary given that he’d already stated it was herbivorous. Either way, no one stuck up a paw or tail to question him.
“Now this will hardly be surprising considering how long they sleep, but Koala’s are largely sedentary and it’s rather easy to see why when you have a look into the contents of their diet.”
With the press of a button the Koala on screen was replaced by images of vibrant green vegetation. Soaring trees and flowering shrubbery weaved together across landscape framed pictures pulled admiring trills from the herd, the diversity of the plant life being shown standing as a reminder that it wasn’t only animal life that flourished on Earth.
After giving everyone the chance to take in the picturesque scenes, Bernard casually hammered that point home, “This is eucalyptus or, more accurately, a choice selection of more than 700 plants belonging to the eucalyptus genus, though the Koala itself favours 30 of them in particular.”
700!? Stars…
Realising that my ears had drooped in my momentary awe, I twisted them back to tune into the lesson, only for them to splay out in shock at the next words to come out of Bernard's mouth.
“The leaves of these plants are the primary food source of the Koala and there are a couple things worth mentioning when talking about these plants. For starters they do not have much nutritional or caloric value, leading to the Koala’s low-energy lifestyle. Additionally, they contain toxic compounds.”
A shiver instantly ran through the herd, ears flicking rapidly in confusion and alarm followed by a few quizzical whispers. It didn’t take long for someone to decide to give a proper voice to the murmuring.
“Excuse me Doctor. Did we hear that right? Their diet is made up of toxic flora?” Vlek’s grumbling incredulity cut through the herd's mutterings with ease. Until Kailo’s recent change of heart, the fifty something rotation old blonde Venlil had been a close second in terms of scepticism. Mercifully his rebuttals had always been relevant questions as opposed to ranting diatribes, so he at least remained on topic if nothing else.
Bernard nodded in confirmation, smiling back at Vlek while absentmindedly twirling the end of his moustache, “You heard me right, they do indeed consume plants that are toxic. Just not to them.”
Any worry or uncertainty still clinging to the herd was swept away by the provision of the glaringly obvious answer, leaving me chuckling inwardly at the oversight.
Ah of course! The plant might be poisonous but they’ll have evolved to deal with that. Stars… I’m so used to expecting the unexpected with Earth that I didn’t even consider the simplest solution.
“I see, thank you Doctor,” Vlek replied, a tinge of interest still audible in his tone, “I assume they’ve developed some adaptation to become immune to the harmful effects?”
The question immediately evoked a smirk from our teacher, but he hurriedly suppressed it while bobbing his head, “They have indeed. There are several factors that aid in their digestion of eucalyptus leaves without succumbing to the plant's baleful properties. The first is a part of the intestinal tract called the cecum. It contains a microbiome that allows the Koala to digest the eucalyptus. Coupled with this is an enzyme in the Koala’s liver that helps them break down the toxins. They are also capable of sniffing out the plants with the least amount of toxins, ensuring that they ingest as little as possible.”
Pausing for a breath Bernard looked back at the screen before turning to face us, another grin curling at the edges of his mouth as he continued with his explanation, “This is mostly for adult Koala’s, because while their young also possess these same adaptations, they don’t just go straight to munching through foliage right after being born. No, they need a little help making that jump and getting a stomach full of all that good gut bacteria. It’s nothing bad, but those of a sensitive stomach may wish to prepare themselves for this next part.”
Bernard’s assurances did little to assuage the concern that his warning had foisted upon us. Having been exposed to so much of the weirdness Earth had to offer everyone always ended up on edge whenever Bernard gave advice like this, even if he did say it in jest.
What strange nonsense thing do Koala pups do then? Judging by the way he’s acting it probably isn’t something as simple as drinking milk from the mother. Hmmm…
“So,” Bernard began, snapping us from our pensive stupor, “Young Koala’s, known as joeys, have a gestation period of thirty-five days on average, which is approximately forty-two paws. Once born they travel from the birth canal to a pouch in their mother so that they can continue to develop and grow. In the pouch the joey finds and latches onto one of two teats and these provide the newborn with a steady stream of nourishing milk. It spends the next six to seven months growing in the pouch, its eyes, ears, and fur all developing as time goes on.”
Okay, interesting. But this is exactly how I thought it’d go. What’s different?
The unexpected normalcy of the Koala’s birth and growth cycle had calmed everyone's nerves, only to be replaced with an air of suspicion as we waited with rapt attention for Bernard to drop the other claw and upend our expectations like he always did.
Not wanting to keep us in further suspense he forged ahead, the tempo of his voice picking up as the smile started to crease his face once more, “Now to make the switch from milk to eucalyptus, the mother also feeds the joey a substance called pap. It comes from the cecum I mentioned earlier, and contains all the gut bacteria required to help the young Koala in making the switch to eucalyptus.”
He stopped and looked around, searching us for a reaction to what I felt was a rather bland statement of fact. What was it he was saying without actually saying? Koala pups drink milk to mature and then include this pap substance so that they can start eating plants. I don’t see what-
The cecum is part of the intestine.
I blinked.
I blinked again, the intrusive interruption scouring my brain clean of any other thought bar the one it’d just implanted itself in the forefront of my mind.
Oh stars. They-
“They eat their own poop!?”
The shocked bleat shattered the peace of the room to reveal that most if not all of us had come to the same tail curling conclusion. As the hall filled with unrestrained vocalisations of disgust, an ‘Ugh’ over here and a ‘Blegh’ over there, Bernard’s own bellowing laughter joined the throng of voices.
“Ha! Everytime! Each and every time. Clearly it doesn’t matter if my students are Human or Venlil. Whenever someone learns about the Koala’s dietary development the reaction is the same!”
Pleased with himself beyond reason, Bernard chuckled away while the rest of us grappled with this ghastly reality. While there were plenty of animals that feasted on things that ranged from simply unappealing all the way to the stomach churningly grotesque, I’d never heard of an animal that actively consumed the excrement of its own species. Benefits aside, the prospect of having to do that to survive to adulthood sent a shiver of revulsion down my spine.
Ewww… Stars, I hope I forget this feeling by 2nd meal. They’re serving sturen and magamroot stew later. I was really looking forward to it.
With the herds mood beginning to temper Bernard tapped the podiums controls, removing the verdant collage of eucalyptus to display several similar yet distinct environments, still chortling merrily to himself in the process, “Ok then, with that little foray into their diet complete, why don’t we look at their habitat in more detail? As you might imagine given their diet and arboreal nature, Koala’s live in forested regions, and can be found in tropical and temperate zones. About a century ago they were classed as a vulnerable species, however efforts were made to turn this around and increase their numbers. Sadly the largest factor in their decline was human activity, as the fertile lands that gave rise to their bountiful forests were coveted farm land for our settlements.”
It was strange to hear Bernard so matter of factly admit to humanity's negative impacts on other species. He’d alluded to such things in the past but always with an air of caution, carefully pawing the line between honestly answering a question while not painting humanity as uncaring and destructive. AKA, the ‘predators’ we’d all initially expected them to be.
Perhaps his comfort in making such admissions was a reflection of the class's comfort with him, for no one so much as batted an ear. Even Kailo, who I would’ve expected to jump at the chance to use this as a prime example of predatory danger, only flicked an ear in stern yet silent concern.
A cough from Bernard drew my attention back, a new picture on screen that showed a forest from a bird's-eye view. Drawn across the image were around a dozen ringed areas, some bordering one another while others overlapped to some degree. It took me a moment, but I soon recognised that what I was looking at was a map, the rings representing what I assumed to be territories. And it didn’t take much effort to guess who each one belonged to.
“From habitats we move onto behaviours, so let’s start with territories. Koala’s are solitary animals. Yes, despite being herbivores. Considering they’re only awake for roughly four hours of the day I can hardly blame them. Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it. Jokes aside, once they mature they are quite independent, carving out a little slice of land for themselves, as displayed in this example, called a Home Range. That is not to say they go it alone and leave everything else behind however. Rather, as shown in the map behind me, they live in their own space while still being part of a larger social group.”
With another press of his pad the picture was updated to show one of two symbols in each segment, along with a key to the side of the map displayed in helpful Venlang. A quick glance told me that the symbols were representing whether the territory belonged to a male or female of the species.
“As you can see there is quite a bit of overlap between different Koala’s territories. It is in these areas that most of the socialising takes place between neighbours. The trees in these locations represent the few areas where intrusion across territories is acceptable for the sake of social interaction. Outside of that the Koala’s stick to their own territories for the most part, with the exceptions of Koala’s who are passing through, attempting to become part of the social group themselves, or dominant males who sometimes go off into another Koala’s range. But how do they know where one range begins and another range ends you might ask? Well, this brings us onto the next part of the lecture. How do Koala’s communicate?”
Wiping away the map from the monitor, Bernard loaded up a video of a Koala sitting in a tree and pressed play. Head held high, the Koala’s body shook as it belted out a reverberating call into the wilderness that could only be described as a garbled combination of a car engine failing to turn over mixed with the hiccups of someone with a particularly sore throat.
That’s how they sound? Oof that must be rough on the lungs.
I clearly wasn’t the only one to share such a thought, because I clocked Sandi tracing a paw along her neck as the noise went on, ears fluttering in discomfort at the noise.
Bernard himself cleared his own throat as the video came to an end, minimising it and replacing it with another image of a tree with a Koala rubbing up against the bark, “I think they’ve got me beat on who’s got the deeper voice!”
His joke garnered several amused beeps, a rare reaction that caused a beaming smile to shine across his face at lighting speed, “Oh you’re too kind. I’ll be here all week. Now where were we? Oh yes! Communication. As you’ve just heard, Koala’s are capable of loud low pitched bellows that can carry over vast distances. These express everything from ‘Hello I’m over here’ to ‘This is my turf, stay away’. Bellowing is more common in the males than the females, opting for shouting matches as opposed to outright fights when it comes to asserting dominance. Other vocal expressions include grunts, wails, and snarls if they’re acting particularly angsty. Mother and joey pairs also communicate through gentle clicking, squeaking, and murmuring sounds. And there’s one more thing worth mentioning. Something they have in common with Humans and Venlil when it comes to emoting.”
Really? They do something we do?
Curious, I pressed myself against the desk, straining as close as I could to once more scrutinise the Koala’s features. Not a lot stood out to me at first, the grey marsupial not sharing many similarities with a Venlil that I could identify.
Ok think. We show emotion with our ears, tails, and our wool on occasion. They don’t have tails so it’s obviously not that. Wool standing on end is more a reaction than a conscious expression. So it must be the ears then.
To my quiet satisfaction, my hunch was soon validated by Bernard, “As well as their vocalisations, Koala’s are very emotive through their facial features. Just like humans, they use their mouths and lips to show how they feel, but these tend more towards the aggressive side of the scale than what you might see on a human. Regarding yourselves however, Koala’s utilise their ears in tandem with their mouth movements when showing strong emotion.”
I was delighted to hear that my assumption was correct, a little happy flick twisting out through my tail and bapping against my chair with a muted thump against the plastic.
Hehe yes! Got one right!
“Now then, we are getting close to lunchtime so I’ll finish this segment off with something I think you’ll find particularly interesting. Diplomacy.”
Perplexed mutterings followed in the wake of the bizarre inclusion to the lecture, my own thoughts being dominated by bewilderment as I tried and failed to make sense of how the two could possibly be related.
Why would Koala’s, or any animal for that matter, be linked to diplomacy? Hmmm...
I could understand dispatching exterminators to deal with a predator issue as a show of goodwill, that at least includes animals, but Humans aren’t like that so I think I can safely scratch that off the list.
Maybe the humans who live in that region benefited from Koala’s in some way. Could they have gotten something from them? But what?
Hopefully not what the pups get from their mothers.
Agh no! Begone awful intrusive thoughts. Blegh! I don’t need that in my head.
As I wrestled with the short-lived revulsion inflicted upon me by my Star's damned subconscious, Bernard placed a new image on screen, one that was decidedly different from all that had preceded it.
On screen were more than a couple dozen pictures of humans. Some were pictured alone while others congregated in large groups while cameras surrounded them from all angles. Across all the images, I noted two common themes. First of all, a solid majority of the humans were wearing formal wear similar to what I’d seen worn by UN representatives on TV. If the gaggle of journalists in the background of the photos didn’t already confirm my suspicions, then it was this similarity which made me conclude they were all people of some importance. Likely politicians judging from context clues.
Secondly, each of the individuals was interacting with a Koala in some form. Some cradled one against their chests while others were feeding it eucalyptus leaves or pellets of some kind. One of the assumed politicians had become an impromptu bed for a snoozing bundle of fur, a gleeful smile spread across their face as they lovingly gazed down at the sleeping Koala in their lap.
As I continued to stare at the assorted photos something clicked into place, a sudden spark flickering into life. A burgeoning light of comprehension that flared and swelled with every wide-eyed breath I took. Some things still escaped me, things I hoped would soon be explained, but in staring at all of the humans happy smiling faces, I was struck with an instant of pure understanding.
If someone, say a Nevok for instance, offered to gift me a creature that was common to them but which might exotic and breathtaking to a Venlil, how could my feelings not be swayed? How could I walk away from that encounter and not have grown closer to them as a result?
“Koala diplomacy,” Bernard waved his hand up at the monitor, a slight reverence in his tone, “My favourite kind of soft power diplomacy. Where political leaders take photo ops with Koala’s and, on occasion, the Australian government loans Koala’s to other nations for a time to bolster positive relations. It certainly helps that Koala’s are a beloved animal worldwide, drawing large crowds and revenue for countries fortunate enough to host the adorable critters.”
The truly alien concept predictably sparked instant discussion in the herd, two polar opposite schools of thought swiftly cementing themselves as the most popular opinions. Simultaneously, I heard one voice trill excitedly while another scoffed at what they clearly saw as a ridiculous and offensive notion.
“Squee! That’d be so cool! I’d love to get the chance to see a Liri from Coila. Remember the Rainbow Boa? Think of that shimmering effect and colour but put it on a bird! Ah! I’ve only heard their song on video. It’d be a treat to hear it in person!”
Ooo! I’ve read about them! I’d love to get up close to one.
“Loaning. As if animals are property to be hoarded and traded? Pugh! Another predatory trait the humans don’t want to acknowledge for what it is.”
Ugh, typical. Jump right to the worst possible option.
However, despite my dismissal of their disparaging fumings, an uncomfortable thought pressed upon my mind. While it was plain to see how much humans cared for the Koala, it didn’t change the fact that humans did keep animals as property just as the scornful herd member had said.
This begged a rather important, disquieting question. Aside from keeping some animals as cattle, a stomach tightening minefield I had no desire to step a claw onto right now, how else did humans keep other creatures. And how did they treat them?
Before I was fully conscious of doing it my paw was in the air, the question primed on my tongue.
Noticing my elevated paw Bernard pointed at me, smiling warmly, “Yes Rysel? What’s on your mind?”
Sorry Bernard. I hope this one’s not too awkward for you to answer.
Flicking my ear in appreciation, and waiting for everyone to settle enough so that I could be heard, I voiced my concerns as neutrally as possible, “Thank you Doctor. I uh, just had a thought. We know that humans keep certain animals for… particular reasons, and we know why. From how you’ve spoken about Koala’s I think it's fair to say that the same cannot be said for them. However, this makes me wonder, what other reasons do humans have for keeping animals and how do you treat them?”
A flash of surprise blinked across Bernard's eyes but vanished so quickly that it felt like I’d imagined it. Had he not expected such a question? Maybe he was just shocked that it’d been me who’d ended up asking it?
Stars, am I so predictable that no one expects me to ask difficult questions?
Unfortunately, a quick glance at my deskmates seemed to prove that to be the case, as both Sandi and Kailo were looking at me with differing degrees of astonishment flapping in their ears.
Well speh.
“A very good point Rysel, certainly one that’s worth raising. Yet another example of you all anticipating what I have to say before I can bring it up myself.” Bernard tapped the podium, switching off the monitor before returning his focus to me, “We won’t be needing that. I’ve nothing prepared that I can show you and we’re heading to lunch in a few minutes anyway. Still, that’s plenty of time to give you a bit of an answer.”
A bit? What does he mean just a bit?
Made even more curious by Bernard's preempted admission that he wasn’t going to fully answer my query, I dialled both my ears on him, fixing him with an inquisitive stare as he started to explain with a tone that was noticeably more nonchalant than any of his previous explanations.
“So, animals in captivity for reasons other than what you already know. Honestly I would love to delve into other reasons regarding why we keep animals. However, I have a lesson plan in the works that I hope to share with you all in the not too distant future. Some of it touches upon this very topic and I’d quite like to bundle it all together. That said, I can tell you how animals in captivity are treated. In short, the answer is very well. There are a mountain of laws both on private and public interests that govern the standards and ethical treatment of animals, and breaches of these laws are quite severe even for relatively minor infractions.”
While I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the vague answer to what was really the bulk of my question, I was at least satisfied by Bernard’s assurances that animals in captivity, such as the Koala, were well looked after. Considering the barely subdued grumbling coming from some corners of the audience it was clear that several of the herd didn’t believe Bernard outright, but I trusted him to be honest. Additionally, the mention of an upcoming lecture focused on humans keeping animals caused quite the buzz.
I felt a mix of excitement and trepidation at exploring the topic further. He’d pretty much confirmed we wouldn’t be talking about cattle farms, for which I was relieved, but that still left a huge amount of uncertainty in what was to come.
Humans keeping animals as cattle was a forgone conclusion. As horrifying as that reality was, it was one I could understand from a detached and strictly clinical point of view. Being predators they ate meat and therefore they kept cattle. But the concept of keeping animals for any other reason baffled me.
What could be the purpose? The diplomacy thing makes sense now that I have context, but what other reasons could they have.
The class's discussions were interrupted by the recognisable ring of the break bell, the shift in attention eliciting a change in conversation from confused hypotheses to peppy conversation on how everyone was planning to spend their break and what they had in mind for 2nd meal.
“Well I can see everyone’s excited for lunch, and who am I to disappoint,” chuckling Bernard waved us all up from our seats, pocketing his pad from the podium and heading to open the classroom door for us, “Enjoy your break, get a good rest along with a hearty meal, and I’ll see you all back here at the usual time.”
As everyone else filed out I stayed behind, waving at Sandi and Kailo as they left, and pawing over to Bernard once he and I were the only ones left in the room.
Ears folded down and with an apologetic tinge in my voice I greeted him as I sidled up to him, “Hey Bernard, I uh… sorry if that last question was unexpected.”
Chortling in reply, Bernard waved a hand through the air in a sign I’d come to understand meant ‘not a problem’.
“No need to apologise Rysel. It was a good question and most certainly not a problem.”
Heh, called it.
I sighed, allowing tension I didn’t realise I’d been holding to relax itself from my shoulders, “Phew, that’s a relief. I’m glad. I’m curious to hear what this new lesson is you’ve got in store for us by the way.”
Bernard wagged a finger at me, throwing up his eyebrows in mock amazement, “Oh are you now? Well I’m afraid you’ll have to remain curious for the time being. It’s going to be quite the surprise if all goes to plan. But…”
He trailed off, glancing at me before looking to the door like he was making sure no one else was around.
Wait, is he going to tell me? Oh please yes let me know now!
Stopping myself from jumping on the spot in excited anticipation, and trying my damndest to stop my tail from wagging in equal measure, I stared up at Bernard as he stewed in his thoughts before turning back to face me.
“I can’t tell you the specifics, but I’m working with Alejandro and Tolim to get something together. A trip that’s not a trip as it were. And when it happens, I’m going to need a few of the more accepting members of the class to lend me a hand. I’m hoping you and a couple others will be able to help with that?”
A trip that’s not a trip? What does that mean? Agh who cares about that right now! Bernard’s relying on me to help out!
Still trying not to keep myself from bouncing around with pup like glee I swished my tail and nodded my head in joint agreement, happy to help with whatever Bernard had in store for us, “Of course! Anything you need I’ll be there to lend a paw. You can count on me!”
A broad warm smile lit up Bernard's face, a hand patting me on the shoulder in appreciation, “Thank you Rysel. I knew I could rely on you but it still warms my heart to hear it. And, as thanks for this and for the many times you’ve shown your support, the surprise includes a little something special I think you’d appreciate the most.”
If my earlier enthusiasm had been at a nine, then the implication of a supposed gift sent it rocketing all the way to a hundred in a heartbeat.
“Wait… WHAT!? What do you mean? What are you doing?”
As impossible as it seemed, Bernard's grin grew even wider as I almost lost myself in wool shaking exhilaration, “Call it my own form of Koala diplomacy. But I’m afraid that’s all I can say for now. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise even for you!”
“Oh you ass!” Whistling jovially I bapped my tail against Bernard’s leg in fake indignation, evoking a barking bellowing laugh from the man himself.
Still laughing, the two of us departed the class and made for the canteen, my rumbling stomach leading me on while my mind spun with fantastical thoughts as to what Bernard had prepared for us.
And what specifically he had in store for me.

Number 1:

1. Initiation: Represents new beginnings, leadership, and individuality.
2. The Magician: Tarot card associated with the number 1, symbolizing creativity, manifestation, and willpower.
3. Independence: Signifies self-reliance, originality, and taking the lead.
4. Potential and Possibility: Embodies the start of a journey or a project.
5. Unity: Reflects the oneness, the start of something unique and singular.

Number 2:

1. Duality: Signifies balance, partnerships, and cooperation.
2. The High Priestess: Associated with intuition, wisdom, and hidden knowledge in tarot.
3. Harmony: Represents the need for balance and diplomacy.
4. Relationships: Emphasizes partnerships, teamwork, and cooperation.
5. Choice: Reflects decisions, choices, and the need for balance.

Number 3:

1. Creativity: Symbolizes self-expression, communication, and creative endeavors.
2. The Empress: Tarot card embodying fertility, creativity, and abundance.
3. Optimism: Represents joy, enthusiasm, and social interaction.
4. Expansion: Signifies growth, self-improvement, and broadening horizons.
5. Manifestation: Reflects the power of thoughts, words, and actions in creating reality.

Number 4:

1. Stability: Signifies structure, order, and a solid foundation.
2. The Emperor: Tarot card embodying authority, stability, and structure.
3. Security: Represents practicality, reliability, and building a strong base.
4. Endurance: Symbolizes persistence, hard work, and discipline.
5. Materialization: Reflects the manifestation of ideas into tangible results.

Number 5:

1. Change: Represents adaptability, versatility, and transformation.
2. The Hierophant: Tarot card symbolizing tradition, guidance, and spiritual growth.
3. Freedom: Signifies exploration, adventure, and embracing diversity.
4. Shifts and Challenges: Reflects unexpected changes and the need for flexibility.
5. Versatility: Embodies adaptability, resourcefulness, and embracing new experiences.

Number 6:

1. Harmony: Signifies balance, responsibility, and nurturing relationships.
2. The Lovers: Tarot card representing love, harmony, and choices in relationships.
3. Service: Reflects selflessness, compassion, and community involvement.
4. Healing: Symbolizes peace, empathy, and creating harmonious environments.
5. Balance: Embodies equilibrium, diplomacy, and a harmonious lifestyle.

Number 7:

1. Spirituality: Signifies introspection, wisdom, and spiritual growth.
2. The Chariot: Tarot card embodying willpower, determination, and progress.
3. Seeking Truth: Reflects introspection, seeking answers, and inner wisdom.
4. Analysis: Symbolizes deep thinking, research, and intellectual pursuits.
5. Inner Guidance: Embodies intuition, mysticism, and inner awareness.

Number 8:

1. Achievement: Represents success, abundance, and material prosperity.
2. Strength: Tarot card symbolizing inner strength, resilience, and determination.
3. Power and Success: Reflects ambition, authority, and material wealth.
4. Karma: Symbolizes cause and effect, balance in action and consequence.
5. Manifestation: Embodies material gains, business acumen, and financial stability.

Number 9:

1. Completion: Signifies endings, spiritual fulfillment, and humanitarianism.
2. The Hermit: Tarot card embodying introspection, wisdom, and spiritual enlightenment.
3. Universal Love: Reflects compassion, service to humanity, and global consciousness.
4. Wisdom and Leadership: Symbolizes altruism, leadership, and guiding others.
5. Transformation: Embodies closure, spiritual awakening, and a broader perspective.

These tidbits offer symbolic insights into each number and its corresponding tarot cards, highlighting the thematic elements and interpretations associated with numerology and the tarot.

Number 10:

1. Completion and Renewal: Signifies endings and new beginnings simultaneously.
2. Wheel of Fortune: Tarot card representing cycles, destiny, and unforeseen changes.
3. Wholeness: Reflects fulfillment, achievement, and cycles coming to fruition.
4. Transformation: Symbolizes change, fate, and the cyclical nature of life.
5. Karmic Balance: Embodies the law of cause and effect, the balance of energies.

Number 11:

1. Master Illuminator: Signifies spiritual awakening, intuition, and enlightenment.
2. Justice (or Strength in some decks): Tarot card embodying fairness, balance, and divine guidance.
3. Enlightenment: Reflects intuition, inspiration, and high spiritual awareness.
4. Higher Calling: Symbolizes spiritual guidance, psychic abilities, and divine insights.
5. Visionary Leadership: Embodies visionary ideas, inspiration, and spiritual mentorship.

Number 12:

1. Harmonious Union: Signifies partnerships, cooperation, and balanced relationships.
2. The Hanged Man: Tarot card symbolizing surrender, perspective shift, and sacrifice for enlightenment.
3. Sacrifice for Growth: Reflects letting go, patience, and seeing things from a different angle.
4. Adaptability: Symbolizes flexibility, suspension, and altering perspectives.
5. Transformational Insight: Embodies spiritual growth through surrender and acceptance.

Number 13:

1. Transformation and Rebirth: Signifies change, transition, and new opportunities.
2. Death: Tarot card representing transformation, endings, and profound change leading to renewal.
3. Transition and Renewal: Reflects release, transformation, and the start of something new.
4. Renewed Perspective: Symbolizes rebirth, regeneration, and shedding old patterns.
5. Power of Endings: Embodies closure, regeneration, and the birth of something new.

Number 14:

1. Practical Manifestation: Signifies grounded action, stability, and accomplishment.
2. Temperance: Tarot card embodying balance, moderation, and spiritual harmony.
3. Moderation and Balance: Reflects harmony, patience, and blending opposites.
4. Alchemy: Symbolizes transformation, adaptation, and spiritual equilibrium.
5. Integration of Duality: Embodies combining elements to create a harmonious whole.

Number 15:

1. Change and Transformation: Signifies shifts, transitions, and adaptability.
2. The Devil: Tarot card representing materialism, bondage, and self-limiting beliefs.
3. Personal Freedom: Reflects breaking free from limitations, temptations, or restrictions.
4. Inner Exploration: Symbolizes shadow work, self-awareness, and breaking unhealthy patterns.
5. Choice and Liberation: Embodies freeing oneself from restrictions or unhealthy attachments.

Number 16:

1. Spiritual Awakening: Signifies spiritual growth, divine intervention, and new beginnings.
2. The Tower: Tarot card embodying sudden change, upheaval, and revelation leading to transformation.
3. Sudden Change: Reflects upheaval, awakening, and revelation.
4. Awakening to Truth: Symbolizes enlightenment, liberation, and profound insights.
5. Transformational Crisis: Embodies breaking down old structures for spiritual evolution.

Number 17:

1. Manifestation and Power: Signifies success, authority, and material abundance.
2. The Star: Tarot card representing hope, inspiration, and spiritual guidance.
3. Optimism and Healing: Reflects hope, faith, and finding inner guidance.
4. Divine Intervention: Symbolizes grace, blessings, and spiritual renewal.
5. Illumination and Guidance: Embodies finding direction and renewed faith.

Number 18:

1. Karmic Completion: Signifies accomplishment, fulfillment, and achievement.
2. The Moon: Tarot card symbolizing intuition, illusion, and the subconscious mind.
3. Unveiling the Unseen: Reflects mystery, intuition, and subconscious revelations.
4. Inner Reflection: Symbolizes introspection, dreams, and hidden truths.
5. Transition to Higher Wisdom: Embodies uncovering hidden aspects for spiritual evolution.

Number 19:

1. Fulfillment and Success: Signifies attainment, completion, and reaching goals.
2. The Sun: Tarot card embodying joy, success, and positive outcomes.
3. Abundance and Vitality: Reflects happiness, vitality, and illumination.
4. Inner Child: Symbolizes innocence, playfulness, and embracing the joy of life.
5. Celebration of Achievement: Embodies success, happiness, and realization of dreams.

Number 20:

1. Integration and Fulfillment: Signifies completion of a cycle and a sense of wholeness.
2. Judgment: Tarot card embodying spiritual awakening, renewal, and rebirth.
3. Rebirth and Redemption: Reflects resurrection, spiritual awakening, and inner calling.
4. Transformational Shift: Symbolizes a new phase, karmic retribution, and self-reflection.
5. Resolution and Clarity: Embodies closure, resolution, and a fresh start.

Number 21:

1. Unity and Completion: Signifies the combination of wisdom and fulfillment.
2. The World: Tarot card representing fulfillment, completion, and mastery of life's cycles.
3. Wholeness and Integration: Reflects achievement, fulfillment, and a sense of accomplishment.
4. Mastery and Enlightenment: Symbolizes mastery over life's lessons and embracing new beginnings.
5. Culmination and Success: Embodies achievement, fulfillment, and a broader perspective.

Number 22:

1. Master Builder: Signifies the capacity to turn dreams into reality, a powerful force.
2. The Fool (in some decks): Tarot card embodying unlimited potential, new beginnings, and the journey of life.
3. Visionary Potential: Reflects the potential for extraordinary achievements and spiritual awakening.
4. Manifesting Dreams: Symbolizes materializing ambitions, power, and the ability to create.
5. Transformational Journey: Embodies spiritual growth, leadership, and a higher purpose.

Number 23:

1. Creative Expression: Signifies creative pursuits, artistic talents, and innovative thinking.
2. The King of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing intellect, clarity, and communication.
3. Mental Clarity: Reflects clear thinking, sharp intellect, and diplomatic communication.
4. Ambitious Vision: Symbolizes ambitious plans, strategic thinking, and leadership qualities.
5. Intellectual Authority: Embodies mental strength, assertiveness, and logical reasoning.

Number 24:

1. Nurturing Stability: Signifies caring, support, and creating a secure environment.
2. The Queen of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing emotional intelligence, compassion, and intuition.
3. Compassionate Care: Reflects empathy, sensitivity, and nurturing qualities.
4. Emotional Balance: Symbolizes emotional stability, harmonious relationships, and intuitive insights.
5. Supportive Energy: Embodies nurturing abilities, empathy, and creating emotional security.

Number 25:

1. Adaptability and Curiosity: Signifies versatility, exploration, and adaptability to change.
2. The Knight of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing reliability, dedication, and practicality.
3. Steadfast Dedication: Reflects commitment, reliability, and a methodical approach.
4. Practical Solutions: Symbolizes a practical mindset, dedication to tasks, and diligent work ethic.
5. Resourceful Nature: Embodies a disciplined attitude, reliability, and readiness to adapt.

Number 26:

1. Diplomatic Harmony: Signifies balance, cooperation, and creating harmony in relationships.
2. The Two of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying decision-making, balance, and compromise.
3. Balancing Choices: Reflects decisions, seeking balance, and finding middle ground.
4. Peaceful Resolutions: Symbolizes diplomacy, compromise, and finding solutions.
5. Harmonious Choices: Embodies choices made with consideration, balance, and peace.

Number 27:

1. Wisdom and Compassion: Signifies understanding, spiritual insight, and empathy.
2. The Nine of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing emotional fulfillment, contentment, and satisfaction.
3. Emotional Satisfaction: Reflects happiness, emotional contentment, and spiritual fulfillment.
4. Inner Contentment: Symbolizes emotional well-being, satisfaction, and contentedness.
5. Gratitude and Fulfillment: Embodies gratitude for blessings, emotional satisfaction, and harmony.

Number 28:

1. Achievement and Ambition: Signifies success through hard work, determination, and ambition.
2. The Ten of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card embodying wealth, abundance, and family legacy.
3. Abundance and Legacy: Reflects material success, family prosperity, and ancestral influence.
4. Fulfillment of Goals: Symbolizes the accomplishment of long-term goals and material stability.
5. Establishing Foundations: Embodies securing foundations, prosperity, and financial stability.

Number 29:

1. Wisdom and Intuition: Signifies spiritual wisdom, intuition, and heightened awareness.
2. The High Priestess (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing intuition, mystery, and inner knowledge.
3. Intuitive Insights: Reflects hidden knowledge, psychic abilities, and heightened perception.
4. Mystical Awareness: Symbolizes esoteric wisdom, inner guidance, and spiritual depth.
5. Spiritual Illumination: Embodies divine knowledge, inner mysteries, and esoteric understanding.

These tidbits continue to explore the symbolic meanings associated with each number and its corresponding tarot cards, offering insights into the diverse themes and interpretations within numerology and the tarot.

Number 100:

1.Balanced Exploration: Signifies exploration, adaptability, and seeking equilibrium.The Knight of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing reliability, diligence, and practicality. 2. The Page of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card embodying creativity, intuitive exploration, and emotional sensitivity. 3. Creative Intuition: Reflects artistic expression, intuitive exploration, and creative potential. 4. Emotional Curiosity: Symbolizes curiosity, emotional depth, and imaginative creativity. 5. Exploring New Emotions: Embodies emotional exploration, creative inspiration, and sensitivity.

Number 90:

1. Balanced Vision: Signifies a well-rounded vision, completeness, and achieving balance.
2. The Knight of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing assertive action, determination, and swift movements.
3. Swift Action: Reflects decisive action, determination, and assertive behavior.
4. Assertive Communication: Symbolizes clear communication, directness, and swift decision-making.
5. Active Pursuit: Embodies quick thinking, adaptability, and focused determination.

Number 91:

1. Harmonious Growth: Signifies growth, expansion, and creating a harmonious environment.
2. The Queen of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing clear communication, independence, and intellectual maturity.
3. Intellectual Clarity: Reflects clear thinking, independence, and intellectual maturity.
4. Balanced Judgment: Symbolizes fairness, intellectual maturity, and clear-sightedness.
5. Assertive Authority: Embodies clear communication, intellectual strength, and assertive guidance.

Number 92:

1. Stable Leadership: Signifies stable leadership, practicality, and vision.
2. The King of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card representing visionary leadership, boldness, and entrepreneurial spirit.
3. Visionary Leadership: Reflects influential leadership, boldness, and entrepreneurship.
4. Creative Authority: Symbolizes innovative thinking, leadership in creative ventures, and a visionary approach.
5. Entrepreneurial Spirit: Embodies pioneering mindset, leadership skills, and a visionary outlook.

Number 93:

1. Transformational Change: Signifies radical changes, growth, and dynamic shifts.
2. The Five of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing financial hardship, isolation, and seeking help.
3. Overcoming Adversity: Reflects challenging times, seeking assistance, and perseverance.
4. Recovery from Struggles: Symbolizes resilience, seeking support, and rebuilding after hardships.
5. Adapting to Change: Embodies resilience, overcoming difficulties, and seeking stability.

Number 94:

1. Adaptive Partnerships: Signifies adaptable relationships, cooperation, and flexibility.
2. The Six of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying transition, moving on, and mental healing.
3. Moving Forward: Reflects transitions, leaving behind difficulties, and seeking peace.
4. Mental Healing: Symbolizes mental clarity, emotional peace, and healing from past issues.
5. Transition to Stability: Embodies moving towards peace, seeking resolutions, and finding tranquility.

Number 95:

1. Intuitive Exploration: Signifies intuitive insights, exploration, and heightened awareness.
2. The Seven of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card representing challenges, standing firm, and defending beliefs.
3. Defending Beliefs: Reflects standing your ground, overcoming challenges, and defending principles.
4. Courageous Stand: Symbolizes resilience, determination, and facing opposition with courage.
5. Spiritual Fortitude: Embodies inner strength, resilience, and defending spiritual values.

Number 96:

1. Balanced Adaptation: Signifies adaptability, harmony, and maintaining balance amid change.
2. The Eight of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing dedication, skill-building, and craftsmanship.
3. Dedicated Efforts: Reflects focused work, dedication, and skill enhancement.
4. Skill Development: Symbolizes honing talents, focused learning, and mastering skills.
5. Steady Progress: Embodies consistent effort, skill improvement, and dedicated craftsmanship.

Number 97:

1. Spiritual Exploration: Signifies spiritual growth, exploration, and inner enlightenment.
2. The Nine of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying anxiety, worry, and mental distress.
3. Overcoming Anxiety: Reflects inner turmoil, worry, and seeking peace of mind.
4. Mental Relief: Symbolizes seeking calmness, alleviating worries, and finding mental solace.
5. Inner Healing: Embodies emotional stability, mental peace, and healing from distress.

Number 98:

1. Resourceful Solutions: Signifies resourceful approaches, adaptability, and innovative strategies.
2. The Ten of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing emotional fulfillment, harmony, and family bliss.
3. Harmonious Bonds: Reflects joyous connections, family happiness, and emotional satisfaction.
4. Emotional Fulfillment: Symbolizes contentment, happiness, and a sense of completion.
5. Family Harmony: Embodies familial joy, emotional satisfaction, and harmonious relationships.

Number 99:

1. Innovative Vision: Signifies visionary ideas, creativity, and seeking higher understanding.
2. The Page of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying intellect, curiosity, and new perspectives.
3. Intellectual Curiosity: Reflects seeking knowledge, new ideas, and intellectual exploration.
4. Energetic Communication: Symbolizes clear thinking, direct communication, and new concepts.
5. Exploring New Horizons: Embodies curiosity, embracing new perspectives, and intellectual ventures.

Number 100:

1. Balanced Exploration: Signifies exploration, adaptability, and seeking equilibrium.
2. The Knight of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing reliability, diligence, and practicality.
3. Steadfast Commitment: Reflects dedication, reliability, and unwavering commitment.
4. Practical Adaptation: Symbolizes adjusting plans, steady progress, and reliability in change.
5. Consistent Progress: Embodies steady growth, adaptable strategies, and reliability in endeavors.

Number 101:

1. Creative Harmony: Signifies creative expression, harmony, and a balanced creative approach.
2. The Queen of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing charisma, confidence, and creativity.
3. Creative Confidence: Reflects self-assuredness, creative flair, and passionate expression.
4. Charismatic Leadership: Symbolizes influential leadership, boldness, and creativity in leadership.
5. Inspired Expression: Embodies passionate creativity, confidence, and influential charisma.

Number 102:

1. Stable Independence: Signifies independence, stability, and self-reliance.
2. The King of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing emotional maturity, compassion, and leadership.
3. Emotional Stability: Reflects balanced emotions, leadership in emotions, and compassionate authority.
4. Compassionate Leadership: Symbolizes emotional intelligence, balanced leadership, and stable emotions.
5. Steady Guidance: Embodies calm authority, emotional stability, and compassionate leadership.

Number 103:

1. Resourceful Expansion: Signifies expansion, resourcefulness, and growth opportunities.
2. The Ace of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card embodying new opportunities, prosperity, and materialization of goals.
3. Material Opportunities: Reflects new beginnings, potential wealth, and fertile ground for growth.
4. Prosperous Ventures: Symbolizes abundance, materializing ideas, and fruitful beginnings.
5. Potential Manifestation: Embodies the potential for success, materialization of goals, and fertile opportunities.

Number 104:

1. Harmonious Creativity: Signifies creative collaborations, balance, and artistic endeavors.
2. The Two of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing partnerships, mutual respect, and emotional connections.
3. Harmonious Bonds: Reflects emotional connections, partnerships, and mutual understanding.
4. Collaborative Unity: Symbolizes cooperation, emotional balance, and harmonious relationships.
5. Balanced Partnership: Embodies mutual respect, emotional harmony, and cooperative endeavors.

Number 105:

1. Intuitive Exploration: Signifies intuitive insights, exploration, and heightened awareness.
2. The Three of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card embodying foresight, expansion, and seeking new horizons.
3. Seeking Opportunities: Reflects anticipating growth, expansion, and seeking new possibilities.
4. Expansive Vision: Symbolizes forward-thinking, seeking prospects, and planning for growth.
5. Foresightful Ventures: Embodies anticipation, seeking new paths, and visionary exploration.

Number 106:

1. Balanced Stability: Signifies stability, discipline, and building a solid base.
2. The Four of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing apathy, dissatisfaction, and contemplation.
3. Contemplation and Discontent: Reflects introspection, discontentment, and contemplating choices.
4. Seeking Satisfaction: Symbolizes a search for fulfillment, exploring options, and inner reflection.
5. Emotional Reevaluation: Embodies reconsideration, emotional introspection, and seeking contentment.

Number 107:

1. Innovative Communication: Signifies innovative ideas, creativity, and expressing original concepts.
2. The Five of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying conflict, tension, and winning at a cost.
3. Conflict and Resolution: Reflects confrontations, ego clashes, and resolving disputes.
4. Learning from Conflict: Symbolizes understanding losses, valuing lessons, and seeking resolution.
5. Resolving Disagreements: Embodies conflict resolution, compromise, and learning from adversity.

Number 108:

1. Stable Foundation: Signifies stability, security, and a solid foundation.
2. The Six of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing nostalgia, childhood memories, and innocence.
3. Nostalgic Reminiscence: Reflects fond memories, innocence, and reconnecting with the past.
4. Emotional Connection: Symbolizes deep emotional bonds, nostalgic experiences, and innocence.
5. Past Reflections: Embodies reminiscing, innocence, and reconnecting with cherished memories.

Number 109:

1. Innovative Ideas: Signifies fresh perspectives, original concepts, and inventive thinking.
2. The Seven of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing deception, manipulation, and evasion.
3. Deception and Secrecy: Reflects hidden motives, evading truth, and misleading actions.
4. Seeking Clarity: Symbolizes uncovering deceit, honesty, and seeking truth.
5. Honesty and Transparency: Embodies truthfulness, sincerity, and open communication.

Number 110:

1. Harmonious Stability: Signifies stability, balance, and creating a harmonious environment.
2. The Eight of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing restriction, feeling trapped, and limited options.
3. Overcoming Limitations: Reflects feeling constrained, seeking freedom, and finding solutions.
4. Mental Liberation: Symbolizes breaking free from restrictions, seeking alternatives, and mental clarity.
5. Freedom from Restraints: Embodies seeking liberation, overcoming limitations, and finding solutions.

Number 111:

1. Enlightened Guidance: Signifies spiritual wisdom, intuitive insight, and divine guidance.
2. The Nine of Wands (in some decks): Tarot card embodying resilience, endurance, and standing firm.
3. Resilient Persistence: Reflects unwavering determination, resilience, and courage.
4. Strength through Challenges: Symbolizes overcoming adversity, standing tall, and resilience in difficulties.
5. Courageous Resilience: Embodies resilience, persistence, and fortitude in adversity.

Number 112:

1. Balanced Stability: Signifies stability, structure, and balance in all aspects.
2. The Ten of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing painful endings, betrayal, and rock bottom.
3. Closure and Renewal: Reflects closure of cycles, painful endings, and readiness for new beginnings.
4. Embracing Change: Symbolizes transformation, releasing pain, and seeking renewal.
5. Transition to Healing: Embodies letting go, embracing change, and healing from pain.

Number 113:

1. Innovative Inspiration: Signifies creative inspiration, intellectual ideas, and forward-thinking.
2. The Page of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card embodying new opportunities, practicality, and studiousness.
3. Exploring Opportunities: Reflects new ventures, practical pursuits, and embracing opportunities.
4. Practical Ventures: Symbolizes grounded approaches, new prospects, and exploring possibilities.
5. Curiosity and Learning: Embodies curiosity, embracing knowledge, and seeking practical paths.

Number 114:

1. Adaptive Progress: Signifies adaptability, progress, and flexibility in approach.
2. The Knight of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card representing romantic idealism, creative pursuits, and following dreams.
3. Dreamy Pursuits: Reflects emotional depth, pursuing dreams, and romantic aspirations.
4. Creative Aspirations: Symbolizes creative endeavors, emotional expression, and passionate pursuits.
5. Sentimental Pursuits: Embodies emotional expression, dream chasing, and romantic ideals.

Number 115:

1. Visionary Exploration: Signifies visionary ideas, spiritual quests, and explorative insights.
2. The Queen of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card symbolizing emotional intelligence, compassion, and nurturing stability.
3. Nurturing Empathy: Reflects compassionate care, emotional intelligence, and nurturing support.
4. Intuitive Guidance: Symbolizes heightened intuition, emotional wisdom, and empathetic connections.
5. Emotional Wisdom: Embodies empathy, emotional insight, and nurturing compassion.

Number 116:

1. Stable Authority: Signifies stable leadership, practical wisdom, and authoritative stability.
2. The King of Pentacles (in some decks): Tarot card representing material success, prosperity, and financial security.
3. Financial Stability: Reflects material success, practical wisdom, and financial security.
4. Reliable Leadership: Symbolizes grounded leadership, prosperity, and practical stability.
5. Steadfast Authority: Embodies stability, financial security, and leadership strength.

Number 117:

1. Innovative Knowledge: Signifies unconventional wisdom, unique insights, and visionary intellect.
2. The Ace of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card embodying clarity, truth, and new perspectives.
3. Clarity and Truth: Reflects mental clarity, truth-seeking, and a new viewpoint.
4. Mental Prowess: Symbolizes intellectual strength, clear thinking, and seeking truth.
5. New Beginnings: Embodies fresh starts, mental clarity, and the pursuit of truth.

Number 118:

1. Structural Stability: Signifies stability, organization, and a structured approach.
2. The Two of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing indecision, stalemate, and weighing options.
3. Decision-Making Dilemma: Reflects mental conflict, decisions, and weighing choices.
4. Balancing Choices: Symbolizes a need for resolution, balanced decisions, and seeking clarity.
5. Mental Crossroads: Embodies decision-making, seeking clarity, and resolving conflicts.

Number 119:

1. Balanced Partnerships: Signifies balanced relationships, cooperation, and mutual understanding.
2. The Three of Cups (in some decks): Tarot card embodying celebration, friendship, and joyful gatherings.
3. Harmonious Celebrations: Reflects joyful occasions, friendships, and harmonious connections.
4. Friendship and Unity: Symbolizes social bonds, celebration, and mutual happiness.
5. Joyous Relationships: Embodies happy connections, celebrations, and mutual appreciation.

Number 120:

1. Innovative Communication: Signifies innovative ideas, creativity, and expressing original concepts.
2. The Four of Swords (in some decks): Tarot card representing rest, recuperation, and a period of contemplation.
3. Mental Rejuvenation: Reflects recuperation, resting the mind, and seeking mental peace.
4. Contemplative Rest: Symbolizes introspection, mental tranquility, and taking a break.
5. Peaceful Pause: Embodies mental rejuvenation, quiet reflection, and inner calm.

These interpretations offer insight into various aspects of life and situations, aiming to provide diverse perspectives and potential meanings for each card.

I have been struggling to find peace in my life. I've lost loved ones, face doubts about my relationship despite being happy. If God truly allows it, I'd marry him. I just wanna look at him again, without worries and with the bold ignoring to anyone who hurts me. I'm kinda jealous of how he is so strong, he doesn't mind sexuality at all and feels that he is so in love with me 'cause of no anxiety. And my family constantly deals with illnesses and I feel so helpless in that sometimes. My work and studies feel insecure, this stress just decreases my motivation.
I am grateful, but the voices in my head make everything difficult. This confusion is rooted in my religious upbringing and the trauma of being a bi - gay Christians and what resulted to it. Please pray for me to find peace and for the voices to stop. I don't want to turn away from God because of a harsh community and strict upbringing. I really can't deal with them anymore.

chapters 1&2
chapter 3
chapter 4
chapter 5
chapter 6
chapter 7
chapter 8
chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
The lecture was supposed to be on Rationality 101, apparently not for Newcomers only. Serene was there to have her back but G was having a hard time focusing.
The boring black uniform more fitting for a hotel receptionist defaced the godlike beauty standing in front of a huge screen. Gentry couldn’t believe her eyes: this was the man she had her hands on a little while ago?
No, it couldn’t be.
It had been just an avatar, too perfect in its unblemished visage, too pure for this world. Yet the man whose face she remembered as if it was etched on the back of her eyelids, who she’d been constantly thinking about, who her hands itched to snatch, was standing right there, in the flesh.
Back in the dreamy simulated world she caught herself thinking that a trim waist like this couldn’t anatomically work on a human, yet here he was: a towering spread of fit shoulders perfectly balanced above the flexible whip of his midsection. The light-grey eyes that betrayed every movement of his pupils were as real as the ones that reflected the mock moon during her test. Below them lay the sharp slope of the cheekbones one could cut themselves on.
The only thing a bit different, apart from the outfit choice, was the young god’s hair. In the simulation, it was flowing and probably too long to be practical. This person’s mane was much shorter and fell down his neck in a neat ponytail, tastefully tamed with a single hairpin.
She had to get her hands on this treasure.
He was making last minute preparations for the lecture, looking through the papers on the desk, dark strands framing his face, light grey eyes sharp in careful concentration.
Professor Q, huh.
He said this was his name, and so did the note on the lecture hall door.
She was sure it was the man who had melted in her arms making the most delicious sounds a male throat could produce.
Had he recognised her?
Unlikely.
At the time of the simulation session, she didn’t have a camera that could pick up her facial features but just to be on the safe side, she decided to go by “G” in his class. There were bound to be lots of people with a name starting with a G, right? What would be the odds it was this particular newcomer that Q had tested that would end up in his class?
The man finally lifted his eyes at the audience and a gentle smile momentarily graced his features before disappearing as if he didn’t see someone he’d expected to.
The holoboard on the wall behind him obediently lit up following his nonchalant gesture. Gentry found it annoying that one needed a pair of special glasses to see all the augmented reality stuff and really navigate the city but again, with Sereen’s help she had more or less gotten used to it in the couple of days she had to deal with the necessities like settling down, getting food and finding her way around Ashtapada.
Still, could they use a piece of chalk or, at least, a marker to write on the board? No need to show off your Fully Automated Luxury Space Communism tech just to write a couple of notes on the board!
On second thought, high-tech-crazy or not, if this city brought up men like this one, she would definitely do her best to stay here to… reap the benefits!
They took a desk next to a huge clear floor-to-ceiling window that overlooked the winter garden.
“Professor Q seems a little distracted today,” Sereen said, swiftly tapping a couple of buttons on G’s wrist to show her how to confirm that she was attending the lecture. “He’s usually much more chatty and friendly. I wonder what got into him.”
“Is he?” Gentry responded with an artificial air of indifference. “I just hope he’s more open to a discussion than that Poe guy.”
“He is! And Professor Poe isn’t that bad,” Sereen reprimanded before chuckling a little — since his little secret became known to students, he became known as Holopoe. “Just wait and see, it’s gonna be a blast. Q’s lectures are always very engaging.”
It proved to be utter bullshit.
After fiddling with the symbols on the interactive screen for ten minutes into the class, students getting more and more agitated behind his back, the lecturer seemed to give up. Turning back to the audience, he absentmindedly nodded to a couple of people in the lecture hall and sighed with a painfully fake smile.
“For today’s class, we are going to need to read a certain extract from a book,” he said, tone apologetic for some reason, but it solidified G’s conviction that she already knew this person. “I’ve just sent it to each of your wristcomms. We’ll have some quiet time and read it by ourselves, alright?”
“Reading from the comm?” Sereen mumbled to herself. “Couldn’t he just print them out?”
The rest of the students’ grumbles showed that they shared her disappointment. Q could only hopelessly smile again before returning to his work on the board.
Reading from the little semi-transparent screens was indeed torture. Quickly giving up on trying to awkwardly use gestures for scrolling through the text, she looked out of the window to entertain herself with the garden outside. From the modest height they were sitting at, the people below were quite discernible, partly hidden by the greenery, spread here and there in small groups and pairs. Gentry longed to be there, too. What was the use of being here with the most attractive person in the whole world if the only thing she could see was his back?
Well, the back didn’t look half bad, if she was honest, and what was below also pleased the eye.
But still. It would soon bore even the most easily entertained.
Her gaze fell to a small clearing where a lone male figure was sitting, writing something in a notebook. By the looks of it, the notebook was a real paper-made thing without the bells and whistles usual for Ashtapada. The next thing G noticed was a pair of slender legs, barefoot, stretched to dip the toes into the clear water of the artificial stream.
God bless the urban designers of this place!
The figure lifted the head and in an inconceivably graceful motion, swung the long blond bangs away from the face.
G straightened her back. Was it... Ok, maybe Q was the most handsome man she’d seen in her life but this... This was the younger boy she’d noticed a couple of days back, the one in a plaid skirt, shamelessly flirting with everyone within reach. Today, he wasn’t wearing one but the blue jeans hugging his thighs, rolled up almost to the knees, presented a picture just as tantalizing. Even with the hair was a completely different colour, even though the half-up, half-down style kept his face hidden, she was absolutely certain it was the same person.
Just you wait, young beauty, as soon as this “lecture” was over, your princess in shining armour was coming to pick you up!
Suddenly snapping out of the dull weariness, she turned on the auglasses S helped her obtain earlier and tapped away on her comm screen.
What a chance to give the local text sharing feature a go!
“The garden is pretty, but with a blossom like you, it is truly breathtaking. I wonder if anyone has picked this sweet flower or if anyone dares to,” she typed a cheesy note and folded the message into a neat 3D figurine of an origami paper crane with her fingers in the air.
Was S watching? Screw it, even if she was, she couldn’t read the message with her glasses off, right?
Carefully aiming the device at the lone figure, she launched the crane downwards, and it fluttered like a weightless butterfly in spirals, through the glass and right into the young man’s lap, not disturbing the notebook pages. He started at first at the intrusion but then turned his own glasses on and unfolded the message. A shy smile appeared on his plump lips, and he looked flattered, turning his head around to see if the sender was in sight. Catching no one, he typed something below the initial message and deftly folded it back into a crane that, to G’s surprise, flew directly at her, in uneven spirals along the wall. The man traced it with a smile, propping himself back on his arms, his whole slim body and face on full display now.
God, was he good-looking.
Easily passing the physical border of the glass again, the crane crashed into Gentry’s wristcomm, dutifully delivering the message and betraying her tactical position at the same time. An amused kind of surprise showed on the young man’s face and he waved at her to show that she had been exposed. She waved back, trying to look nonchalant but probably failing miserably.
Very smooth, G, way to go.
The message read, “Is a flower only good for looking at? Not this one.”
Oooh, this boy was playing with fire!
“Hey, G,” Sereen nudged. “Have you finished reading?”
“Mm? Oh, yeah.” Gentry lied easily. She had skimmed the first couple of paragraphs and was sure she’d be able to come up with something if asked.
“Done everybody?” the deep gentle voice called from the holoboard and G’s attention snapped back to the dignified face.
The class murmured affirmatively.
“I’m sorry today’s lecture isn’t as fun as usual,” he admitted. “I must say I’m still unsure how to approach such complex topic as this one. But with your help, I hope we’ll figure it out.”
Everyone seemed to perk up.
“You just read an extract on paradoxes,” Q went on. “And you might be wondering why we are raising a philosophical topic on a rational thinking course.”
“There you go,” Sereen whispered. “He’s back to normal!”
G humphed. This did seem interesting. Was it a good idea to read the extract after all?
Q continued, “In the text, you might have encountered the definition of a paradox. Would anyone explain it with their own words?”
A raised hand and the lecturer’s nod brought some courageous soul to their feet.
“It’s when you start with the correct premises, use consistent logic but wind up with an impossible conclusion,” they said. “There are three types: falsidical, veridical and antimony-type, which are...”
“Correct,” Q smiled and nodded the person back down. It was a smile worth starting a thousand wars over.
“Now there’s a reason why I asked you to read about them. Why do you think people have been fascinated with paradoxes for such a long time?”
S raised her hand and received a kind invitation.
“I might be wrong,” she said. “But it seems that they point at the limitations of our thinking, things that seem rational but in fact aren’t. We feel that with our all-conquering logic we can solve any puzzle but it’s not always the case. Right?”
“This is very insightful,” the teacher confirmed. “It is believed by many that what’s rational is true and therefore what rationality cannot explain must be false.”
“I definitely know someone who would die on that hill,” Gentry grumbled under her breath.
“I’m sorry?” Q asked. “Is there something you wanted to add... sorry, I don’t know your name?”
Still half mad with professor Poe, Gentry stood up. “It’s G, I’m a Newcomer. I was saying how a human mind can fool itself into thinking it knows what it looks at as long as it makes sense. But in reality, it’s not there, like the sky.”
That was the only thing she remembered from that last lecture! She felt the tips of her ears heat up but the kind and considering look on Q’s face showed her gamble paid off.
“These are very insightful observations, G, why don’t we try exploring them together?” — he waived her to sit down and turned back to the class — “Five minutes to discuss how paradoxes might reveal the weaknesses of rational thinking. Send your answers to the board when you’re done.”
“Whoa, daring as usual,” Sereen smiled. “I knew you’d enjoy his class.”
“Now, consider these two questions,” Q said to another student who stood up at his hand wave. “If an unstoppable force meets an indestructible object, what is going to happen?”
The person seemed to contemplate it for a while and the teacher didn’t rush him.
“Isn’t it one of those which are impossible to solve because the existence of the one automatically disproves the existence of the other?”
Q nodded, “Correct. The second one about the barber in a small town is of the same sort. Sereen?”
S stood up too, “The one that shaves all and only men that don’t shave themselves?”
“Yes,” he confirmed. “At first, a premise like this seems perfectly reasonable, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” S responded, somewhat rashly. “But it’s clear that a barber like this cannot exist.”
“Wait, really?” Gentry whispered as Q nodded in satisfaction and urged her friend to go on.
“Yes, if we ask ourselves if this barber shaves himself. If he doesn’t, then he is part of the group which he does shave that do not shave themselves, but if he is in this group, then he does shave himself which makes it impossible for him to be this barber by definition.”
While the rest of the class was catching up with the logic, Q’s smile got only wider, more inviting.
“What does it tell us about the nature of the premise then?” he asked.
“That although it seems that it sounds logical on the surface, it is in fact nonsense and we don’t even need to hear the rest of the riddle to discard it completely,” S concluded.
The man chuckled.
“Well, I wouldn’t be that brash, to be honest, but on balance, you’re right,” he said. “If you stay after the lecture, I might recommend a couple of books on the topic. Your Newcomer friend is welcome to stay, too.”
G put up the best of the aloof fronts, “I’d be happy to, Professor.”
“Q is fine,” he smiled again and went on addressing the rest of the class that immediately exploded into a heated discussion.
***
“Basically, what I think we’re supposed to learn from this,” S concluded after a while, standing up so that everyone could hear her. “Is that before applying rationality, we have to make sure that all the premises we are dealing with are in fact realistic. Otherwise, there is no way rational thinking will help us.”
“Excellently put, as always,” Q applauded. “I’d love to see if everyone agrees or has something else to add to the discussion but our time is up. Feel free to write me a letter with your reflections on the topic.”
As interesting as the class was, the urge to leave the premises as soon as the teacher dismissed everyone seemed to be universal and applicable even to the Ashtapadans.
“I have to go now,” Sereen said. “Text you later, ok?” And with a reciprocal nod to Q, disappeared in the doors, joining the rest of the students.
Sadly, she couldn’t recall what they were talking about after the lecture, nor what titles Professor recommended for some home reading. She just hoped she didn’t make a fool of herself.
What Gentry did remember though was that after Q left as well and she came up to the panoramic window, Sereen and the mysterious flower boy were leaving the garden together. And it was hard not to notice that her new friend took off her wristcomm before they took off, and hid it in the tall grass.

This is a rundown of the predominant intelligent races on my fantasy version of Saturn, which is a sword-and-sorcery world loosely based on Classical mythology. Your feedback is greatly appreciated!
Aranians are the oldest of Saturn’s intelligent races. Like their kin the Arthropoids, they are entomons, with multi-jointed legs and semi-flexible exoskeletons. Unlike the Arthropoids, they are only slightly humanoid. Their lower bodies are spider-like, with eight legs and large abdomens, while their upper bodies are more humanoid, although they have six arms and numerous eyes. Once long ago, they boasted a planet-spanning civilization; they were the first to develop philosophy and art, mathematics and astrology, architecture and literature. But in the apocalypse of the Day of Wrath, their civilization was annihilated, and today, the descendants of those ancient Aranians have largely forgotten about the glories of their once-proud people. Many Aranians, such as the Slavars, live nomadic existences, although a few settled Aranian nations, such as Anansazi and Ctenizan, still exist.
{Classical Mythology equivalent: Centaurs}
Arthropoids are entomons, insect-like creatures with semi-flexible exoskeletons, but are far more humanoid than their Aranian cousins. Most are of human height, with two legs and four arms, but a few are smaller, such as the ant-like Marwari, who stand roughly four feet tall, or the flea-like Zaoi, who are usually less than three feet in height. Most Arthropoids have wings, which allow them to fly thanks to their irridescent membranes, membranes which manipulate colour and permit flight despite the Arthropoids’ weight. Unlike the Dendryads, the Arthropoids are not a single species, but rather a collection of many species that are not capable of interbreeding. A wide variety of nations have been founded by the Arthropoids—the expansive empire of Marwar, the reclusive land of Aed, the militaristic Vazhka—and in a few places, mainly Naranj and Merinj, they live in harmony with the Dendryads. In the main, however, a state of war usually exists between the Dendryads and the Arthropoids, as the two “superraces” compete for control of Saturn.
{Classical Mythology equivalent: Myrmidons, Amazons}
Although Dendryads appear to be plants, they are not. They are instead phyta, a kingdom of organisms that split off from plants roughly 400 million years ago. Humanoid, like almost all creatures native to Saturn the Dendryads have six limbs, four arms and two legs. Unlike the Arthropoids, the Dendryads are a single species, although with astonishing diversity; their subraces are capable of interbreeding, but this usually requires divine intervention. Most races of Dendryads are sequential hermaphrodites: they change from male to female or female to male periodically throughout their lives. Over the millennia, the Dendryads have spread out across the surface of Saturn, forming mighty kingdoms and vast empires. Today, most Dendryads would assert that, even if their own nation is not particularly powerful, the greatest and most puissant of Saturn’s civilizations are still Dendryad. The most notable of these is Aquarium, the Golden City, the Light of the World, the last remnant of the Anthemite Empire and defender of civilization since Anthem’s fall ten thousand years ago. Other Dendryad kingdoms of note are Naranj and Merinj, Dzjanggakh, Mora, and Qoq. With the fall of Anthem, though, the Dendryad position is threatened by rising powers, most of which are either Arthropoid or Mykobold in ethnicity. On multiple fronts, the Aquarine Empire is challenged: by its ancient enemy Marwar, by the new and dynamic Swarm of the Azzuzzazi, by invading Slavars. Only time will tell if Aquarium can withstand this onslaught of “barbarians”.
{Classical Mythology equivalent: Dryads}
Mykobolds are the fungal equivalent of Dendryads. Shorter than the Dendryads, they prefer dark and moist regions of Saturn, such as deep caves, swamps, and the undergrowth of many of Saturn’s forests. This often brings them into contact with the te’Ythul (see below), often at the Mykobolds’ cost. Their relations with the other races of Saturn vary significantly depending on the tribe of Mykobolds and the counterparty: the Russulkas or Redcaps are mischievous bordering on murderous, the Troggoths of the subterranean empire of Troggoroth are insane cultists, the Kuba are peaceful shamans, the Lichens are undead necromancers who possess the rotting bodies of other races, the Gomphlins are friendly but isolationist, the Thallids have an ancient but proud scholarly tradition, and so forth. Recently, many tribes of Mykobolds have begun migrating from their traditional strongholds into the vacuum left by the decaying eastern half of the Anthemite Empire, creating new petty kingdoms for themselves and occasionally finding themselves as the ruling class over Dendryads. This has led to tension between the two ethnicities.
{Classical Mythology equivalent: Troglodytae}
The Coral Brains are not, strictly speaking, a race in the same way as the others. They are, instead, vast colonies of polyps that function as enormous neural networks. Once a single supercomputer that covered much of the surface of Saturn, the coral was shattered during the Day of Wrath and many fragments were ejected into Saturn’s atmosphere and beyond. Now the remaining pieces, which range in size from a few dozen meters across to dozens of miles, roam the skies of Saturn, kept aloft by careful channeling of colour which provides an antigravity force. It also fuels their computation. Some of them have seen their surfaces colonized by other races, but those settlers exist on the coral brains only at the brains’ sufferance. For at least a million years, the coral brains have been locked in a secret war with the Shimmering Demons, recruiting from the other races individuals and sometimes entire nations as pawns in their struggle to control Saturn; most notably, both sides have engaged the services of what remains of Anthem’s ceramic legions as foot soldiers.
{Classical Mythology equivalent: Genii Loci}
The te’Ythul, or Spawn of Ythul, are one of the most ancient and mysterious of Saturn’s races. These hulking giants, who can reach heights of thirty feet, are found only in humid and swampy areas, where the water in the air keeps their mucous-covered skins moist. Having arisen from the congealing, rancid blood of the thousand-mile-tall embodiment of primordial chaos Ythul when it spilled from his body on the Day of Wrath, the te’Ythul hid themselves in secret parts of the world, far from the other races towards which they were and are profoundly hostile. Many have become masters of manipulating the obsidian oil, giving them access to arcane and eldritch powers unknown and forbidden to the rest of Saturn’s peoples. A few have even taken to dabbling in anti-colour, a sinister and unholy force of unknown origins. With their dozens of tentacles, they are formidable and terrifying foes for any adventurers who encounter them, whether in the depths of the earth or secreted within foul swamps or roaming the dusk-shrouded undergrowth of Saturn’s rainforests.
{Classical Mythology equivalent: Cyclopes}
Syngnals are the messengers and servants of Phragma, the trickster goddess of magic. These small, seahorse-like creatures flit around, gradually influencing the course of Saturnian history in the direction Phragma would like it to go. Unfortunately for her, they aren’t very good at their jobs. Or maybe they are…
{Classical Mythology equivalent: Hippocampus}
Titanians and Uberonians are humanoids not native to Saturn; instead, they originated on Saturn’s moon Voeba. However, when Voeba was destroyed during the Day of Wrath, its inhabitants were forced to migrate elsewhere, to other moons. One group settled on Titan; the other, after finding their first choice of Hyperion unsuitable, eventually formed a new society on Rhea. Not being native Saturnians, they only have four limbs, rather than the standard six, and they have a higher level of technology than the Saturnians, boasting flying saucers, rocket ships, and rayguns. Since the Day of Wrath, they have been locked in a cold war for control of Saturn’s moons and rings, largely ignoring the planet itself, which they regard as inhabited by primitives. Of the two, the Titanian are marginally more benevolent, although both nations feel perfectly free to abduct Saturnians and probe them, or, in the case of the Uberonians, enslave them for their own amusement. This latter habit is frowned upon by the Titanians, who attempt to enforce what they call the “First Order”, which states that more advanced and sophisticated and, frankly, intelligent races are not supposed to meddle in the affairs of primitives, because primitives, with their primitive planet-bound brains, simply cannot grasp how dangerous even a single piece of Titanian or Uberonian technology can be to a witless primitive. That raygun? Put it down. That com-talker? Put it down. That belt buckle? Put it down! The Titanian Ring Patrol, with its stalwart band of Space Marshals, attempts to enforce the law on a largely lawless Ring system, but even they periodically break the First Order, usually because the Uberonians broke it first or because the primitives had already been exposed to advanced technology or because the captain really didn’t feel like following it.
{Norse Mythology equivalent: Ljósálfar and Dökkálfar}
The Shimmering Demons, like the Titanians and Uberonians, are not native to Saturn. In fact, no one knows where they come from, exactly. What is known is that they don’t seem to be entirely…here. Flickering in and out of perception, they are found throughout Saturn, usually as traders, but what they trade in is…odd. Want wealth? They’re happy to oblige, in exchange for a handful of twigs. Want power? Sure thing; you’ll just need to give them your happiest memory. Want immortality? It only costs a broken sword. Want true love? Not a problem—but you’ll be sacrificing all the messy complexity of a real relationship…which the demons are glad to take off your hands. It’s been noticed that people who deal with them come away from the transaction a little…flatter, somehow; a little more two-dimensional. Those of the demons who aren’t engaged in trade are busy measuring. They measure everything, absolutely everything—from the diameter of that tree to exactly how much of a “hero” you are--and when they aren’t measuring, they’re cataloguing. They catalog everything. Even people. They would classify you as a web-based amateur worldbuilder grade B+ (not to be confused with a web-based amateur worldbuilder grade B++). Would you be interested in being reclassified as a web-based amateur worldbuilder grade A---? They have an installment plan…
{Classical Mythology equivalent: none}

Dear JB,
It's been two years since we last spoke, and yet not a day goes by without thoughts of you drifting through my mind. Our relationship was complex and often confusing, but it was real and meaningful to me. There are moments I wish I could go back to, conversations I wish we could have again, and feelings I wish we could explore with more understanding.
I understand now that our dynamic was colored by a push and pull that neither of us fully grasped at the time. You, with your need for space, and me, with my desire for closeness, created a dance that was both beautiful and painful. I want you to know that I see things more clearly now. I understand the struggles you faced and the reasons behind your distance. It was never about a lack of love or care; it was about self-preservation and the boundaries you needed to feel safe.
I knew you cared through your actions, not words. They were subtle, but they spoke volumes I couldn’t understand at the time. I now know that was you showing love. Holding my pinkie, inviting me to meet your family on your birthday, talking to me every day—those were your ways of expressing love, and I just couldn’t see it. I didn’t know the depths of people’s backgrounds or how to deal with someone like you. You always tried to set your boundaries aside a little to make me feel you, and I appreciate those efforts now more than ever.
I respect your journey and the space you've taken. In our time apart, I've done a lot of reflection and growth. I've come to appreciate the depth of our connection, even if it didn't always manifest in ways that were easy to comprehend. Our time together taught me so much about myself, about patience, and about the complexities of human emotion.
If I could have one more conversation with you, I'd want it to be honest and open, free of the misunderstandings and miscommunications that once clouded our interactions. I'd tell you how much you meant to me, and how much you still do. I'd express my gratitude for the moments we shared and the lessons I've learned. Most importantly, I'd want to hear your side, to understand your experience, and to let you know that my heart holds no resentment, only fondness and a hope for your happiness.
Whether our paths cross again or not, I want you to know that you have a place in my heart. I cherish the time we had and the person you are. I hope you've found peace and fulfillment in the time we've been apart. And if, by some chance, you ever want to reach out, know that I'm here, ready to listen, without expectations or demands, just with an open heart.
With all my love and respect, AW

I have started to or maybe have accepted the reality that I am probably not someone who can find someone perhaps. Maybe I am not good looking, maybe I don't know how to keep the conversation going, maybe I don't have the courage to approach them, maybe I don't think they would be interested in me before even trying or maybe I am just afraid of being left out again and waiting for them. I think it's a mix of all that, like I want to find someone I just feel happy and together with who would like to just pick me at first and only choice. I never got to be like that, so I think it seems like an amazing feeling to have one person having thoughts about you in a good way. I was told I don't open up much, I worked on that but it takes me time to open up because people don't wanna listen or just pretend to listen but leave when you actually try to so I never open up about my problems or anything that's happening in life with anyone. I want to show some love, take care of someone, write poems about them, cuddle, go on a walk, spent a day together but I don't think I will ever get to enjoy all of that and slowly slowly I am trying to make my peace with that in a good way I suppose. I never wanted anything from anyone but just genuine connection with people but people still doesn't understand Or want that. But after waiting for many years now, I don't think I can continue or wait to hope any more. I am just stop going to hope for things to happen completely, it's better to be numb and not feel things like this instead of just hoping for it to happen so it will be a bit hard journey and even long but this is something I think I should continue to walk on. and please dont comment with the it happens when you least expect it or any positive comment no hate I just don't want to hear it, I myself am extremely optimist but there's a limit to somethings perhaps.

I have started to or maybe have accepted the reality that I am probably not someone who can find someone perhaps. Maybe I am not good looking, maybe I don't know how to keep the conversation going, maybe I don't have the courage to approach them, maybe I don't think they would be interested in me before even trying or maybe I am just afraid of being left out again and waiting for them. I think it's a mix of all that, like I want to find someone I just feel happy and together with who would like to just pick me at first and only choice. I never got to be like that, so I think it seems like an amazing feeling to have one person having thoughts about you in a good way. I was told I don't open up much, I worked on that but it takes me time to open up because people don't wanna listen or just pretend to listen but leave when you actually try to so I never open up about my problems or anything that's happening in life with anyone. I want to show some love, take care of someone, write poems about them, cuddle, go on a walk, spent a day together but I don't think I will ever get to enjoy all of that and slowly slowly I am trying to make my peace with that in a good way I suppose. I never wanted anything from anyone but just genuine connection with people but people still doesn't understand Or want that. But after waiting for many years now, I don't think I can continue or wait to hope any more. I am just stop going to hope for things to happen completely, it's better to be numb and not feel things like this instead of just hoping for it to happen so it will be a bit hard journey and even long but this is something I think I should continue to walk on. and please dont comment with the it happens when you least expect it or any positive comment no hate I just don't want to hear it, I myself am extremely optimist but there's a limit to somethings perhaps.

If you rolled your eyes at the title, I get you. I FEEL you. I was you.
I’ve put international travel, and the drinks that go along with it, on a pedestal my entire adult life. Just thinking of an aperol spritz on the Italian Coast, a lager in a Munich biergarten, or a gin & tonic sundowner over the African savannah makes me actually salivate.
I’m also 62 days sober. This stint at sobriety isn’t my first rodeo, but it is different. The jig was up. I asked for help in the form of detox and IOP. I shifted my mindset from “I’m not drinking right now” (always followed by “I bet I can moderate now”) to truly wanting to live a life free of alcohol. It is better that way, and I deserve that. Full stop.
With that I accepted there would be some brief pangs in exchange for much greater payoffs, and have attended weddings, work events, funerals… But holy shit, I was pissy AF about vacations.
I spent this past long weekend in Mexico City with my partner. We filled the days with amazing meals, art, espresso, long walks, architecture, late night ice cream, and so much quality time. And whatdya know, an ice-cold mango juice from a street vendor started to tickle my brain into a joyful, childlike state that a mezcal tasting just wouldn’t have.
We didn’t get into any drunken arguments. We didn’t get lost. We saw everything we wanted to. We kept our belongings. We didn’t put ourselves in any unnecessary danger. We were able to treat altitude sickness and a touch of Montezuma’s Revenge by resting and hydrating and then putting all our money saved on alcohol toward massages. Gosh darn it we had FUN.
I’ve flown millions of miles in my 36 years of life, and have never come close to the feeling of peace I had touching down at home last night. Content. Happy. Proud. More in love with my partner than ever.
To those of you that are future tripping this milestone: it can be amazing.
PS: It is uncanny how much altitude sickness resembles a bad hangover. Halfway through lunch our first afternoon, I was hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. I’d have myself to thank for feeling that overheated, nauseous, and anxious (+ way worse) if I’d kicked off the trip with my usual 2 (but probably 6...) 7am lounge mimosas.

Last one for you gorgeous,
I’ve sat for the better half of 7 months on an absolute war path of mental self destruction. Trying to remember what exactly happened. I’ve apologized to you in several different ways you got the message in every way I could possibly give you.
It dawned on me today, I searched for forgiveness from you. In my heart I know you already have. So today, I forgave myself as well. I’m starting to give myself peace for everything in my life. The path of self deprecation and pity seem to have lifted. I am responsible for a lot of actions in my life, and hated myself for the ones out of my control. That ends now. Today marks a day of self deep soul searching that will continue for as long as I have air in my lungs
The quote from my favorite song after all these years hit me like a fucking truck “ I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live” I have it, the beginning of it, self love. I’m starting to see what I am capable of, writing music, writing to the void, engineering and problem solving, making art, repairing items beyond repair, even playing video games well. I’m starting to see me as a person capable of not just sadness, but love, empathy, compassion, drive, and ambition.
I reflected on our relationship, there were a lot of mistakes between the both of us. I tried so hard to not to use the cliche “everything happens for a reason” because I believe we were a kismatic event in time, because the gods smiled upon us and wanted our journey to happen. I see now things do happen for reasons. You gave me quite a few things, you showed me light in a sea of darkness, you showed me compassion and kindness when I was alone in my mind. Most of all you gave me my sobriety. I didn’t think I could crawl out of that. You leaving was both the best and worse feeling I’ve endured. I thank you that deeply from my soul. Freedom of thought. My mind is clear 224 days, I had to face all of my demons the ones I tried to drown for so MANY years to quite the voice, sooth the inner child that was so very much hurt. I smiled today, when these thoughts crossed my heart and mind. I felt the breeze and the sunshine today, it felt like the first time I’ve been able to do that honestly in a long time.
A spark in my drive and determination have really awakened today. I actually feel alive.
All of the words written into the void are still very valid as they came from points in time of my healing. I wish you the absolute best lady Quest, may your journey be filled with health and happiness.
Goodbye my love.

We are all familiar with prating gratitude. It is an overly used concept that many times can turn int o a form of “toxic positivity” and this is far from what I want to do here. What is to be grateful anything?
I believe it is a feeling in a warm tan color in my chest, that makes me smile and think “I am happy I am here to see/experience this.” Maybe it is a religious experience to you, maybe you feel like thanking God or the universe for the opportunity to be here right now.
Another interesting thing is, you don’t have to feel grateful about big life changing experiences only, sometimes I am just grateful for McDonald’s, or for my cat, my friends and family for being there for me. Some days I’m grateful for having to strength to take a shower or drinking a glass of water. You can be grateful about anything.
Practicing gratitude helps us guide our minds into a more positive way of thinking. It doesn’t mean you can’t complain (I love complaining lol) but it helps us thinking about the good things we are actually able to experience.
If this seems too hard for you right, try to modify it to fit your needs: try to write down one complain you have about your day, and battle it with one or two that you feel grateful or happy for. We are all in different stages of our journey. You’re loved and respected, and your feelings are valid.
Now tell me, what are you grateful for today? What are you complain you want to battle with a good thought?

Hey everyone!
Just wanted to share an incredibly catchy song I recently found/unearthed, that chronicles the trials/tribulations of the pre-2004 Boston Red Sox, from Babe Ruth to Buckner (1986 World Series) & beyond:

"One Strike Away" by the Wet Paint Band (1990)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzgt-jUJuj8

I first heard this song in the early 90s, performed live in a baclub on Yawkey Way across from Fenway. I remember loving this song and paying $5 for a cassette that the band was selling, and we used to listen to it over and over, even putting it on a mixtape.
Fastforward to 2024 -- for some reason I thought of this song and tried to find it again, but could not find any trace of the existence of the song. (I had long since lost the original cassette.) After several attempts to ask about the song at various forums like redsox, I decided to recreate the song from scratch (entirely based off of 20-year-old memory - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rb-bxpHU-CQ) and start a thread at Lostwave . Based on some sleuthing, including uncovering a cached page of a 1991 magazine mentioning the song, we managed to track down the original band, who recently reached out personally to me (1) mentioning they themselves pretty much forgot about the song, and (2) sending me an .mp3 along with permission to share it / upload to YouTube!
Wet Paint Band is based in Rhode Island and still performs gigs off/on, including a recurring spot at PEG-RI PBS network where they cover 50's/60's/70's oldies songs. I have contact with one of the band members directly and am trying to convince them to do another live performance :p
Really enjoyed this song and it is a great crash course on the storied history of the Red Sox, from Babe Ruth to Ted Williams to Yaz to Clemens -- even got some positive comments from Yankees fans (respect!). Happy to unearth and preserve it from being "lost to time" and hope some people here enjoy it!

Hello everyone,I hope you're all doing great! I've been working on a new SaaS product as a side project and would love to get your honest feedback on my landing page:
https://creditcharge.me
Of course, if anyone is interested in testing the service and providing more detailed feedback, I’d be happy to assist you personally. Just drop me a message!
Your feedback is incredibly valuable to me, and I appreciate any insights or suggestions you might have. Thank you in advance for your time and help!