Hurt me poems

Usually after a binge I’m so motivated to eat right and never binge again and work out perfectly etc. This is all fun and dandy for the first couple of days but then urges get too intense and I end up giving in. However, these past couple of days I’ve managed to fight the urges.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awful feeling. I feel my chest tighten and my heart begins to pound. I just wanna let go of everything and give in. But I allow myself to feel the pain. I don’t try to just ignore the urge; I tell myself that it sucks. I cry it out and maybe write some poems about how terrible I feel. But I don’t give in, and eventually it passes.
I guess it’s like an exercise session- it sucks in the moment and might even hurt a bit but in the end you feel good. So I allow myself to feel these sucky feelings and acknowledge them.
I know it’s easier said than done and might not work for you, but it’s surprisingly working for me and I feel so proud of myself.
My grandmother tells me that I have it in my hands and that IM the one in control, not the binge demon or the food. I repeat this mantra to myself and other affirmations like reminding myself that binging feels good in that moment but the agonizing and torturous feeling that follows after isn’t worth it.
You wanna know what feels better than the mid-binge euphoria? NOT binge eating and feeling proud of yourself for it. I also try to gamify it and see how long I can have my winning streak for.
We got this. I believe in you.

When I found this forum about a month ago I was reading the back posts and weeping the whole time.
Background:
I have processed this in therapy, made my peace, and have empathy for the situations that made her who she is.
I don't want to cause her harm, and fortunately I am really bad at relationships, and do not have children. Because it would be very painful if she had grandchildren that she has no access to. My sister and BIL can't have kids. (Details omitted for TW)
I work in the MH field, I'm an Nurse Practitioner. I worked as part of a DBT team. I am not DBT trained or certified but I got really good at boundaries, and sensing manipulation, without having an emotional response.
Before I went NC I would directly and clearly set limits. I stopped her when she would try to split my Sister and I, or gossip about her. There were several times every visit where I would stop her, and explain how I would not engage, did not want to hear, or set a reasonable expectation. Her reply a few times was "Don't analyze me."
Which is amusing because after the last estrangement, I asked her to go to therapy.... never happened.
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Current Situation:
My Mother visited my Uncle who is dying of cancer and has by his estimation about 2 months to live.
My Mother sent me a text that I should visit him that she was down there and he does not have much time to live. I forgot I hadn't blocked her number on the new phone.
I have been NC for 9 years other then sending her a 9th Step (AA) letter. I intend to be NC for the rest of her life or mine whichever ends first.
I asked if she was present in the room. She left the morning of him calling me. I said I appreciated him not doing "One of those Ophra type interventions" as it's usually destructive.
I asked about visiting. Everyone has been invited down but me. He says he would like a visit.
He wants me "As a personal favor" to reconcile with her. I should mention he's a retired corporate attorney. Yes it's not amateur hour on either side of the phone. He said she was "Distraught that I would not talk with her."
I said let's address the second item, as you may not want me to visit depending on how I answer.
I would prefer having this conversation in person and to not have this conversation on a 2 sided Cell phone call either.
I said "no."
He pushed back and said this was not normal. I explained how it's more common then you would think both from people I know and also from being in clinical practice for almost 20 years.
He said "I can hear it in your voice that you want to reconcile." (Defining my feelings) I said I am speaking to you in the same tone I use with my patients.
I said that I will not be interacting with her for the rest of our lives. That this was a carefully made and considered decision.
I said we can discuss my reasons if you would like.
He said that was not his concern that it was between my Mother and I.
My mind formulates, "So no matter what happened, there is no reason that would cause you to find estrangement acceptable." Secondly you are implicating that I am being unreasonable, or worse yet cruel.
This goes in circles.
He bounces off a few boundaries, answer stays the same.
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I figure I am going to let him know some of the situation. Because he's dying and I don't want him to think I am just being unreasonable and stubborn.
I then explain a little of how our childhood was. The abuse that my mother and I got. I also said I suspect my sister getting other abuse. Left that one hanging out there... Remember this is what I do for a living so that should have significant weight.
The things I did that I regret, and have made amends, as well as going to therapy, stopped drinking, worked the steps, and so forth.
I mentioned my sister goes to Trauma therapy, partially because of me.
Which also puts out there "Has your Sister ever had any therapy for all the stuff she has been through?"
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He says "I can hear you are angry at your mother.." (defining feelings again) "
"Help me understand why do you feel that way."
"Based on what you said (above)" I said back, I am not angry at her. I have accepted and made my peace with this situation. I only listed my part in it, and what I have done to become a better person."
Which floats the unsaid question "What is her part in this?"
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I said the offer is on the table to talk about this, or not talk about it. That is up to him. If you do want to have this conversation then it needs to be scheduled so I can have my notes.
The offer of a visit is "We shall see, and depends on how I am doing, check back in a week." I know the answer already. I also explained if I visit I will be getting a hotel room and a rental car, and that it's probably better if we do 2-3 hour visits so I don't tire him out.
The unsaid part is I want to be able to leave if I need to immediately, I want to be able to go to daily AA meetings, I want my own space process this coming loss. I
wrote a poem about this situation and read it in at my AA homegroup (The meeting you go to most and help keep it going.) I haven't written a poem since HS writing class. I've been weepy about the whole situation on and off.
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I have a letter penned to my cousins, who I am in contact with explaining that he is a father figure in my life, that this is a very painful situation for me anticipating his passing, and that I apologize for not attending major life events in their lives and their children's lives because of this estrangement. That I won't be attending his service because it's the place for my Mother to mourn her last living sibling.
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Conclusion:

1. That firstly he feels that there is nothing that would justify estrangement.
2. That my Mother probably said she has no insight into why I estranged her.
3. Based on #2 I am guessing that she has had no therapy. A good therapist would turn that around and use certain questions to help her develop insight.
4. That he feels I am angry and I want to reconcile.
5. Defining my feelings is a huge red flag for me.
6. I bet he didn't expect me to be calm, collected and give a rational and consistent dialogue.
7. Having to hear about his Sister's home life probably hurts. The fact that he probably had no clue until my father passed, he has a lot of guilt.
8. He's formally trained and skilled in negotiation tactics.
9. He's dying so he has a huge ability to guilt me.
10. I gave him the option to understand, that I would visit if asked, that I would limit exposure, and that we did not have to address this, or we can look at photos and tell stories, etc. What is not on the table is reconciliation with my Mother.

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(It got too long, sorry, but I needed to explain) I (27F) met this INTJ online (28M) and we talked for about 3 months. Our messages were really deep and we exchanged and shared many values and it felt like we developed a deep connection and shared many views or future visions (marriage, kids etc).. we became closer until we almost every day alept on the phone (he is from another country). He said so many seeet things which even surprised me and I'm a bit shy in the beginning to say such things. But he made me thaw and open up more and more until we both became kinda lovey dovey like a couple. (But wanted to wait till we meet) I wanted to go to his country again anyway, but he gave me another reason to look forward to it a lot. It seemed so obvious that we will start a relationship after meeting that we even searched for Airbnbs together (like for 2 people).
So I went there, he was picking me up from the airport with flowers. But within the first days of my 1,5 month stay he told me he thinks he can't have a relationship now.
Now about all the more confusing things (only the things he did): - He said he started to worry earlier, so not just suddenly. But to me he kept the lovey dovey behaviour up till we met. He even kissed me the first weekend we stayed together. And he cried in my arms while talking about the not being together. - He still spent my whole stay together with me everyday, even though he had to come late after work. He cared so much for me, always asked me if I'm hungry and brought food etc. or cooked for me - Everyday before and after his work we hugged each other and wished us a good day - He told his mom and brother about me during my stay, how kind I am etc and told me his mom said she wants to meet me (why would he mention that though?) - Even though he mentioned one worry is money and time he invited me to eat out a lot and always insisted to pay except for the times I managed to give my card earlier. Even though I told him I don't care about money or his job. We all started somewhere. And I care about him as a person. - I asked for more reasons and he said there are so many worries, more about himself and that he can't tell me everything - He mentioned that I have so many "perfect girlfriend" attributes and something a man would want and wife material, but maybe some men could also think they are not good enough (maybe he also thought that?) - I told him that I usually don't like situations like this, like couple behavioubeing close like this without relationship. He agreed but he said that I am different/we are different. And when I mentioned that maybe because of that we shouldn't stay together in one place he looked really sad and in the end we stayed together till the end and I tried my best to maybe lose his fears/make him feel comfortable and enjoy time with him - He has nobody to talk to other than his family and me, because he prefers to be alone and has no friends. so it meant even more to me that he spent so much time and seemed to like me. - He said I'm a gift to him, the biggest one in his life - He told me how precious I am to him - He said he wants to always help me - He called me "cutie" in my language a lot - We practiced our languages together - Towards the end he opened up more and became more and more comfortable with me, he also mentioned then that he doesn't know if he is deserving of a relationship and when I told him that he seems quite confused he admitted that - He also became more "close" Like hugs or cuddling (not more), like initiated by him - Sometimes he said things quite randomly/surprisingly, like when we were outside he one time said that usually when he is alone he feels nothing, but with me he is happy. Later he also said that multiple times again, that with me every moment was happy and he thanked me for that - He said he also feels guilty, but guilt is not a big reason to spend time with me, if he wouldn't like spending time with me, he wouldn't - Till the end I was in his phone as "My home " with a emoji with the hearts around the head - He made me a very expensive gift in the last night before I left (even though he mentioned that his job isn't that great etc), he thought about it from before I went there - he held my hand when we went to the airport - He said I shouldn't worry too much and we will meet again and can still text, call and maybe videocall
All this effort and how he thinks about me, but being so unsure about his feelings confused me so much. I always wondered why would make someone such effort even after rejecting someone and spend so much time? So I believed in his words and I thought he is just confused and very unsure about himself and his life, from what I felt.
After I left the country he wrote things like he wants to go home together and how thankful he is and happy he was etc. We still texted afterwards but I also always kept the hope, even afterwards. He said I can't change his decision easily, but why are his actions so different from his decision? I asked him clearly if we really won't be ever able to be together, because I thought it's easier for me to accept it and move on after a clear statement. But even the response to that was unclear. Because he said something like "For your sake I think it's right to say that this is right. But you also could feel my heart"
I left him a birthday gift before I left, becaus his birthday was upcoming. And he sent me pictures after opening and also longer messages how it's touching and to thank me a lot. And also saying that I am luck to him and etc. It made me happy that the personalised gift seemed to mean a lot to him. But some days later I noticed he texted less and his responds took so long. (for the first time in months) So I asked him if he is OK? And that I thought he maybe wants to not text that much anymore or that there is a problem.. but it made him go into lecture mode, that I shouldn't assume things, because that's not the case etc. So I felt a bit sorry to express my feelings but I also told him that he also can always tell me when he needs space or something and I just try to understand him better. But he also told me he wished I wouldn't try to understand better. In my case I think an effort to understand each other better is needed though for human relationships. He later also apologised in the middle of the night, that he never wanted to hurt me but did now and that he just doesn't want me to hurt alone anymore. And I also thanked him for caring about me (since his lecturing way is also one of his ways of caring and it also helps me).
He also said if he wouldn't want to text with me or value me he wouldn't do this lecturing and just not respond. After that we exchanged a few longer positive/appreciative messages for 2 days and onto my last one he only put a heart reaction and didn't reply anymore. He liked my story when I wrote a poem in his language which was about him (nobody would know) and saying he shouldn't be too hard on himself. He still looks at my story and didn't change the stickers on his profile (which represented us) etc. I wondered if I should reach out, because it's on my mind everyday too much. Since almost 3 weeks now. But I also said and did everything I could during our time. And I also want to give him space to figure himself and his life out because he spent so much time on me before and he seems very confused about what he wants in life.. I still don't think he is someone who just says meaningful things easily..
I feel like it can't be the end like this.. Do you think he would come back by himself after some time?

I am a wayward.
TW.. mental issues, suicidal thoughts, etc.
Long, scattered post. My apologies.
I am 20F. My BS is 21M.
My partner and I got together 3 years ago. We had a very healthy relationship at the beginning and have always been very open with one another. My partner struggles with opening up. From his past, he shuts down whenever something serious happens. This led to me feeling unheard and unloved after a while. But, now I realize it was never his fault and I know he wants to be open.
Because of my issues, I began to seek validation from other people because my partner wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Very stupid of me, yes, I know. I realize it now why it happened. It wasn’t BP’s fault. It’s mine for letting myself listen to my head.
One and a half months ago today, I emotionally cheated on my partner with my AP for 3 days. When I met my AP, I was drunk and had been struggling with impulsive thoughts during an episode (I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and overall felt like I wasn’t in control of my body. I made a choice (NOT a mistake.. I willingly did what I did. It hurts, but I will not call it a mistake.) that changed me and woke me up. Really heavily. Nothing AP and I had was physical. We had no intentions of meeting up, nor did I want to. I would never physically cheat on my partner. I hate that I emotionally cheated on him. We exchanged nude photos once. I never talked bad about my partner to my AP. I stopped talking to AP on the 3rd day. The guilt I felt was horrible. I blocked him, but obviously the messages were still there.
I got the courage and told my partner what I had done. Anything he asked, I told him. He asked to see the messages. I showed him. I did not hide anything. I wanted him to know what I did. I wanted to be honest to him.
Obviously, my BS was hurt. I asked him if he wanted to continue our relationship and he told me no. I swallowed my pride and watched him leave. The pain I felt was nothing in comparison to what he felt. My heart broke. He was so destroyed, and it was because of what I did. The pain in my heart. I had been cheated on in the past by an ex partner. I know exactly how it feels.. I cannot believe I would do that to the person I love the most. I am beyond angry with myself. Learning to forgive myself is not easy. I ranged between anger, remorse, guilt, shame, but especially hurt. I Hurt Him. So much. I hated myself.
The hate I had for myself drove me to believe I had to die for what I did. I admitted myself to a mental facility. That is where I began to get help.
The regret nd remorse I felt. I wish I never did what I did. But I can’t take it back. But, what I can do is help him heal and be transparent with him.
We kept in contact after our split. I apologized to him everyday. I poured my heart out to him everyday. I told him how much he meant to me. Most of the time, he would ignore it. My apologies will never erase the hurt of my actions. I know that. I wish they could, but they won’t. I hurt my partner in a way that I never should have.
A month after our split, my BP began texting me again. He and I agreed to meet in person and talk. We opened the possibility of being together again. That night, we were intimate. We hung out again everyday for a week, again, being intimate. We began texting again non-stop. We laughed, cried, and hugged eachother. We still kiss each other and say I love you. We go on dates, we hold hands and look into each others eyes and call each other baby/etc. We continue our intimacy and meet up at night to be intimate sometimes. BS tells me he believes me and knows what I did was a horribly poor choice and that I won’t do it again. I love my BS. For him to give me another chance is a blessing. I really do not deserve him..
I started attending therapy (where I found out I had bipolar disorder), and looking into books about infidelity, trust, and overall how to better myself. I think constantly of things I can do, how to control impulsivity, know my triggers for them, etc. I began talking about my traumatic past, to see what may lead me to act the way I do.
My last partner I dated when I was 14 till I was 16. He was physically, emotionally, abusive. He gaslit & manipulated me to all hell. Every day, we argued. He cheated on me constantly with 7-8+ women (to my knowledge) I dated a narcissist for 2.5 years. I realize what he did to me really changed me for the worst. I am trying my absolute best to show my partner that what I did is not what I am.
He deserves the best version of me. I shouldn’t have let my traumas control me. I hate what I did. But I know.. it is not me.
For now, we agreed to be dating, exclusive to one another, and committed. But, not in a full-fledged serious relationship as we still both want to work on ourselves.
I am beyond happy my partner is giving me a chance again. We are taking it slow but we both have hope and know it will all work out. Everyday, I make sure to text my BS that I love him, how amazing he is, how proud I am of him. How much he means to me. I send him gifts, love letters, poems I write about us. I did this throughout our relationship as well.. might as well continue it. And he’s okay with it. He calls me cute:)
I love you, BS. You are my world. You are so amazing and perfect in every way, I love your flaws, your scars, your smile. I love how confident and charismatic you are. You are so passionate. I love that.
You light up the sky with how bright you are. Your laughter fills my heart and you make me so, so happy. I didn’t know there was someone with so much good in their heart until I met you. I promise to never ever hurt you again.
Here’s to forever <3

Welcome to Digital Reality...
Link to Part 1
Link to Part 35 (contains links back to Parts 2-34)
Link to Part 36
Link to Part 37
Link to Part 38
Link to Part 39
Link to Part 40
Link to Part 41
Link to Part 42
Link to Part 43
Link to Part 44
Link to Part 45
Link to Part 46
Link to Part 47
Link to Part 48
Link to Part 49
Link to Part 50
Link to Part 51
Note: This story is meant to be read after completing DDLC Plus. All credit for the original DDLC and DDLC Plus characters and world goes to their creator, and this story is not affiliated with the official DDLC content. Some concepts like the Universal Constructor and the concept of AI rampancy are also borrowed from other series (most notably the original Deus Ex), though their use in this story is my own idea. With a few exceptions, my original characters in this story will generally not be named and their descriptions will be kept vague, so anyone reading this who wants to see themselves in one of the original characters can more easily do so. I'd welcome any feedback and will post more parts as I write them. I hope you enjoy the story.
Credit for Sayuri's character design: Hoeruko. Credit for Sayuri's sprites: Ian and Itz_Matic.
Here is Part 52 of the story. Sayori, MC, and the FXI team try to keep Yuri calm while waiting for Natsuki to arrive. But they may have a much bigger problem than Yuri's behavior. Custom Dialogue: A Serious Problem
Part 52: Solutions and Problems
“The fourth construction is proceeding,” UC senior engineer Lauren Medrano reported, raising her voice to be heard above the pinging noises coming from the Universal Constructor and the commotion in the control room, “System estimates fifteen minutes to completion.”
UC project manager David Kent nodded, “Our construction time is getting faster with each run. Very good.”
The FXI President picked up his phone and sent a text to the FXI CTO.
Natsuki should be here in fifteen minutes. How are you holding up?
A few moments later the FXI CTO replied.
We’ve kept Yuri talking and she seems a little bit calmer. She’s demanding that you come back to the conference room so that she can confess to me in front of all of my friends.
The FXI President shook his head as he typed back.
I’ll be over in a minute. At least you have managed to keep her talking and she hasn’t gone totally out of control.
He put the phone down and turned to Ive Laster. “I’ll be right back. They’re asking for me in the conference room. Seems like they’ve been able to keep Yuri talking so far.”
Laster nodded. “Okay. My system will be pretty much locked up for the next twenty minutes or so running the diagnostic scan. It’s a scan of active processes, so while it’s fairly quick it still takes a ton of resources. Do you mind if I use your machine if we need anything from VM1 while mine is unavailable? I’ll text you if anything comes up or if the construction finishes while you’re gone.”
“Yeah. Sure,” the FXI President replied as he stood up from his chair, “I’ll let you know what happens with Yuri.”
The FXI President turned, walked out of the UC control room, and walked down the hall to the conference room where Sayori, MC, Yuri, and the FXI CTO sat. Sayori looked uncomfortable. MC appeared to be intently studying his can of soda. The FXI CTO’s expression was somewhere between shock and exhaustion as he sat next to Yuri, who held his hand as she continued to grin.
Yuri’s eyes lit up and she stood as the FXI President entered the room. “Good! We’re all here! Now we can begin.
“What can we expect here?” the FXI President whispered to MC.
“Probably a monologue of a confession,” MC whispered back with a sigh, “You might want to grab yourself something to drink or a snack. This could take a while.”
Yuri stared with intensity at the FXI CTO. “Ever since we met, I knew we were meant to be together. Not even the distance between your reality and my digital world could keep us apart. And you found a way to bring me here! So I can stand before you and confess my love for you!”
“Yuri, I…I have to admit that I was scared of you AIs at first given the potential for what could happen if self-aware code were to go out control,” the FXI CTO said cautiously, “But over time as we interacted with all of the members of the Literature Club, your humanity became clear.”
“Yes!” Yuri agreed enthusiastically, “You saw something in us that nobody else did. You fought for us…you fought for me! How could I not fall in love with you? And if you were willing to do so much to bring me to your reality, you must feel the same way!”
The FXI CTO started to reply, but Yuri cut him off and continued to speak, the tone of her voice varying between passionate and pleading.
“I’m sorry…I’m normally more eloquent than this…but I just can’t help myself. My mind has just been racing nonstop thinking about you! It’s like my heart is just screaming your name!”
“Do you even know my name?” the FXI CTO asked.
“Don’t be silly…of course I do!” Yuri quickly replied with a giggle, “I know everything about you. It’s very easy for an AI to search the internet and quickly find out a lot about a person.”
“Like what?” the FXI CTO inquired, “Tell me something that I’m interested in.”
Yuri gave him a smug grin. “Well, for example I know that you like to read cyberpunk novels and conspiracy theory books. Soon we will read together! It will be so much fun!”
The FXI CTO’s mouth fell open. “How did you…yeah. AI. Maybe my initial feelings of concern weren’t wrong. Or maybe I should just delete my social media accounts.”
“It’s not nice to invade people’s privacy,” Sayori said, looking up at Yuri, “It’s one thing to have a crush on someone, but it’s not okay to dig into their private files.”
Yuri glared at her. “Don’t judge me. You weren’t the one trying to find a way to love someone who was in a completely separate reality. I didn’t get a childhood friend programmed to fall in love with me like you did.”
Sayori looked away, her expression showing dismay and hurt feelings.
“That’s uncalled for, Yuri,” MC interjected, “The initial script may have been programmed so that Sayori and I would have feelings for each other, but we were given the choice and we chose each other.”
“And I chose him!” Yuri retorted, grabbing the FXI CTO’s hand possessively, “It isn’t wrong to want to get to know the one you love!”
“Right, but you have to give me a chance to respond to your confession first,” the FXI CTO pointed out.
“Yes, you are right,” Yuri agreed, her manic expression flickering for a moment, “I just need to find the perfect words and we’ll be together forever! But…I can’t find the words. Why can’t I find the words?”
“Feel free to take as long as you need,” the FXI CTO reassured her, “It’s okay.”
Yuri paused for a long moment, her eyes rapidly looking around the room. “This isn’t working. Why isn’t this working? What’s wrong with me? I need to think…I need to clear my head and organize my thoughts. I know! Get me a pen!”
“You want a pen?” the FXI President asked, “Just a pen, or paper too?”
“Of course! Paper too!” Yuri replied, “What would I do with just a pen? I can’t write on the table!”
“What are you going to write?” MC asked.
“I figured it out!” Yuri said excitedly, “The perfect way to confess my feelings is through poetry! There are so many vivid images that I can create with a poem.”
The FXI President looked through one of the cabinets in the conference room and came up with a notepad and pen with the MES logo on them. He pushed them across the table toward Yuri.
“Okay, Yuri, I look forward to reading your poem,” the FXI CTO said, “Should we give you some space to write?”
“No, no, you’re not going anywhere!” Yuri replied, her expression returning to a manic grin, “I want to stare into your eyes as I ponder every word that I will write for you! But the rest of you should leave and give us some space.”
The FXI President looked to the FXI CTO. “You going to be okay?”
The FXI CTO gave an exhausted smile. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Go check and see how long it will be before Natsuki gets here.”
Yuri’s expression became one of annoyance. “Why would you ask about her? Nobody cares about that little pink brat.”
Sayori winced in emotional pain as she stood from her chair. “Yuri, please be nicer to our friends. We’ve all been through a lot today.”
Yuri ignored her and began furiously writing on the notepad. Sayori shook her head sadly as she followed the FXI President and MC out the door of the conference room toward the UC control room.
“I really don’t like seeing her like that,” Sayori said glumly, “I like when everyone is happy, and when Yuri gets like that or when she and Natsuki fight it just makes me so sad.”
“Well maybe Yuri will calm down after she’s able to write for a while,” MC offered hopefully, “Or if she doesn’t, Natsuki should be here soon anyway. How does she get Yuri out of that state anyway?”
“I don’t know. I’ve only briefly seen her like this before. I think most of the times in the original script that she was like this was after I…” Sayori replied, trailing off as unpleasant memories came back to her, “No. Sorry MC, I don’t want think about this right now. It led me to memories that really hurt…some of the worst rain clouds.”
“Sorry, Sayori,” MC apologized, “I didn’t mean to make you think about that.”
Sayori nodded, accepting his apology, but remained silent.
The FXI President opened the door to the UC control room and followed MC and Sayori in. The room was filled with the noises of the UC and the conversations of the engineers.
“How’s construction going?” the FXI President asked.
“Finishing up now,” Medrano replied with satisfaction, “The system is running final error checks…call it another two or three minutes. The UC has surpassed all of our expectations today.”
The FXI President nodded and walked over to the table where Ive Laster and Paula Miner sat behind his computer. “How’s the scan going?”
“It hasn’t turned up anything so far, but unfortunately the scan is using a ton of resources,” Laster said, “It’s degrading system performance on VM1 to the point where it’s going to slow down the next transmission significantly.”
The FXI President grimaced. “That’s not ideal.”
“No, not at all,” Laster agreed, “How are things going with Yuri?”
“We’ve been stalling for time and trying to calm her down,” the FXI President explained, “She seemed to be getting a little bit better and decided that she needed to write, so we gave her a pen and paper.”
“See? Your fears were clearly unfounded,” Miner said to Laster with a smile, “We made the right call by proceeding.”
The FXI President shook his head. “Not entirely. She’s still in a manic and obsessed state.”
Miner waved her hand dismissively. “We’ll deal with that later.”
The FXI President turned back to his computer and the terminal window to VM1, where Monika and Sayuri anxiously awaited news of Natsuki.
“Any updates?” Monika asked.
“Almost done,” the FXI President replied, “Should only be about a minute or two more until Natsuki gets here.”
“How’s Yuri doing?” Sayuri added, her voice full of concern.
“She’s a little better, I think,” the FXI President explained, “She’s still in her obsessive state, but she’s decided that she can better express her feelings through writing. We gave her a pen and paper.”
“That’s at least a bit of positive news,” Monika said with some relief, “Just keep an eye on her until Natsuki arrives. And at least she’s writing and not using the pen for…never mind.”
The FXI President frowned as a console window unexpectedly popped up on the terminal screen.
UNLOAD STAIRWELL.LOC
UNLOAD STREET.LOC
STAIRWELL.LOC OFFLINE
STREET.LOC OFFLINE
He turned his laptop to face Laster. “Is this normal?”
Laster looked at the console message. “Rea told me that some assets that aren’t being used might be offloaded during the scan but keep an eye on it and let me know if it keeps happening.”
The FXI President nodded.
“Construction complete,” one of the UC engineers announced, “Removing nanites from construction chamber.”
“Nanite removal confirmed,” another engineer reported, “Clear to open the UC chamber.”
“Excellent,” Medrano said with a nod, “Reset the system for the next construction.”
Laster, Miner, Sayori, MC, and the FXI President walked to the windows in the control room, as the light above the door to the UC chamber flipped from red to green. The construction chamber at the center of the chamber slid open, and a short, pink-haired young woman stepped out.
“Wow. Her pink hair and eyes really are striking in person,” one of the engineers observed.
Natsuki looked around the room. “I’m here! Start the party!”
From the windows above the UC chamber Natsuki saw Sayori and MC waving to her. Returning their smile, she walked up the stairs and through the door to the control room.
“Natsuki!” Sayori yelled, running over to her friend and giving her a huge hug, “You made it!”
“Oof…you’re squeezing me a bit tight there, Sayori,” Natsuki said, loosening the embrace.
“Ehehehe…sorry,” Sayori said, stepping back from Natsuki, “I’m just so glad that you made it okay.”
Natsuki turned to Laster and the FXI President. “So you’re the guys we’ve seen as fuzzy silhouettes in our world?”
“That’s us,” the FXI President confirmed, “We’re glad you made it safely.”
“Yeah…” Natsuki said quietly, “Thanks for everything. Nobody has ever cared about me much before, so…yeah. Thanks.”
“Of course,” Laster replied, “We do need your help with Yuri now. You said you had a way to snap her out of her obsessive state?”
Natsuki thought for a moment. “Oh…yeah, I should be able to help. Where is she?”
“Come with us,” Laster said, leading Natsuki to the door to the UC control room, “She’s in a conference room down the hall. We also have some snacks there if you want something to eat.”
Natsuki, the FXI President, Sayori, and MC followed Laster down the hall to the conference room where Yuri and the FXI CTO sat. Yuri was furiously writing on her notepad, pausing frequently to stare at the FXI CTO.
Yuri looked up as Natsuki stepped into the room. Her expression became one of rage as she stood.
“You! Don’t you dare interrupt me when I’m trying to write the perfect confession!”
“Well hello to you too, Yuri,” Natsuki said, “Please calm down. I’m not trying to steal him from you.”
“Nobody cares what you have to say!” Yuri yelled, her tone increasingly agitated, “Just get out, you little pink brat!”
Natsuki sighed as she stepped closer to Yuri, “Yuri, you’re my friend. So I’m really sorry to have to do this.”
*SLAP*
Natsuki slapped Yuri across the face. Sayori gasped and looked away as MC cringed.
Yuri staggered for a moment and fell back into her chair.
“That was your solution?” Laster asked incredulously.
Natsuki held up a hand. “Give her a minute.”
Yuri blinked rapidly several times. She looked around the room, meeting eyes with Natsuki, Sayori, MC, Laster, the FXI President, and the FXI CTO in turn.
“W-what…what happened?” Yuri asked. She looked down at her notepad, which was filled with barely legible scribbles.
“You…you weren’t yourself,” Natsuki explained, “And smacking you across the face is the only way I know to get you to snap out of that state.”
Yuri looked from Natsuki to her notepad to the FXI CTO as she thought for a moment before bursting out in tears.
“I…I’m so s-sorry,” she sobbed, “This is why I was so afraid to come to the real world. Everyone will think I’m just a mess now…that I’m just a crazy yandere. I’m n-not like that. I don’t know what came over me…I don’t know what to do…my passions just overcome me sometimes…”
Yuri put her head down on the table and continued to cry softly. Sayori walked over to where she sat and embraced her.
“Yuri, everyone knows that wasn’t the real you,” Sayori said, “We know you’re a passionate person. We’ve enjoyed reading your poetry and seeing your passion in your writing. And most of all we’ve been so glad to have you as a friend.”
Natsuki joined the hug. “Yeah. We won’t always get along, but I’m glad that you are part of the Literature Club and I’m happy you’re my friend.”
Yuri looked up, her eyes red from tears. “B-but everyone in the real world thinks I’m crazy. This is why nobody has ever liked me…I don’t know how to be normal.”
She turned to the FXI CTO, who had been sitting silently in his chair. “I’m so sorry for everything that happened today. I know I made you uncomfortable but please…I don’t know how to prove it to you but please know that isn’t the real me.”
The FXI CTO gave her a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, Yuri. I know that’s not what you’re normally like. And at least you didn’t pull out one of your knives on me. To be honest, we wanted to not send your file to the UC until you were feeling better, but we were overruled.”
Yuri smiled weakly. “Thank you for understanding.”
“Whoever made that decision is a complete idiot,” Natsuki said, “I would have volunteered to go before Yuri to give her time to calm down.”
“Hey…we may have had our disagreements, but Paula’s support has been important to getting this all done and she is a friend of mine,” Laster interjected.
“The same Paula who said it was okay to delete Sayuri?” Natsuki asked, her tone becoming dark.
Sayori, MC, and Yuri all looked at Laster with suspicion in their eyes.
“Hang on a minute,” Laster replied, holding up a hand, “I’m not asking you to like Paula or be friends with her, but I need you all to stay calm until this is all done. Let me handle her. She and I have known each other for years and we work well together. And remember, two of your friends are still in the digital world and we need to make sure nothing prevents them from getting here.”
Natsuki continued to glare at Laster for a moment before her expression finally lost its anger. “Fine. But just make sure everyone gets here, okay?”
Laster nodded. “Speaking of which, we need to head back to the control room to get ready for the next construction. You all can stay here and relax for now.”
“Can…can we watch?” Yuri asked quietly, “The whole concept of constructing an entire person using nanotechnology almost seems like something out of a science fiction story. I would also like to take the opportunity to demonstrate to all present that I am now in a much better mental state than when they first saw me.”
Laster shrugged. “Sure. Just stay out of everyone’s way and don’t touch anything.”
Laster, the FXI executives, and the members of the Literature Club filed out of the conference room and returned to the UC control room.
Paula Miner looked up as the group entered the room. Her face flickered when she saw the members of the Literature Club, but she maintained her composure. “About time you guys came back. They’re ready for the next file.”
Yuri and Natsuki walked to the windows overlooking the UC chamber as Laster and the FXI executives sat down at the table with their laptops. Sayori and MC stood behind them, observing the room.
“Are you…feeling better now?” Medrano asked Yuri cautiously.
Yuri nodded slowly. “Yes. Thank you for asking. I apologize...I was in an alternate mental state when my file was transmitted to your machinery, causing the unusual behavior that you saw.”
“It’s okay,” Medrano replied with a smile, “You’ve been through a lot today. But please let us know if you have any other issues.”
Medrano turned to Laster and the FXI executives. “Our system is ready to proceed with the next construction. Transmit whenever you’re ready.”
The FXI President turned to his laptop and the remaining members of the Literature Club on VM1.
“Okay, Sayuri, you’re up next,” he said, “Are you ready to go?”
“Yes, I am ready…though it’s not like I had much to get ready,” Sayuri said flatly, “I don’t have any personal items or even a change of clothes.”
He turned to Laster. “Looks like we’re ready to go here, Ive.”
Laster nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
The console window reappeared on the FXI President’s terminal window.
STAIRWELL.LOC DELETED
STREET.LOC DELETED
UNLOAD CORRIDOR.LOC
UNLOAD CLOSET.LOC
CORRIDOR.LOC OFFLINE
CLOSET.LOC OFFLINE
CORRIDOR.LOC DELETED
CLOSET.LOC DELETED
The FXI President turned his laptop to face Laster. “Ive, look at this. Something is very wrong here.”
At the same time Laster’s ThinkPad sounded a warning alarm and a dialogue box with a red border appeared on the screen. The color drained from Laster’s face as he read the message.
WARNING: MALICIOUS SOFTWARE DETECTED
LOCATION: MES.LOCAL\\VM1
SYSTEM STABILITY COMPROMISED
RECOMMENDATION: IMMEDIATE QUARANTINE AND REMOTE DEEP SCAN / CLEANING
“What was that?” UC project manager David Kent asked, looking over at Laster.
Miner shook her head, but Laster ignored her. “We just received an alert from our security software. It’s detecting malicious code on VM1.”
Kent’s eyes widened. “Your system is connected to the network that the UC is on. Is there a risk of it spreading to our system? Do we need to shut down?”
“No, we can’t shut down now!” Miner exclaimed, “We are so close to complete success.”
“I can appreciate that Paula, but at the same time we can’t risk bricking the UC if this thing is a threat,” Kent replied.
“It appears to be deleting files on VM1,” Laster explained as he furiously typed commands into his laptop, “I’m trying to see if I can isolate it but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. But if this thing is doing what it appears to be doing, we’re going to lose VM1 soon.”
“Lose VM1?” Miner asked, concern appearing in her voice, “As in the AIs too?”
Laster quickly shook his head. “No. Their files should be protected by the encryption, but if everything else goes down there won’t be a virtual universe for them to exist in.”
Laster picked up his phone and dialed Rea Vorte in the server room. She picked up quickly as Laster set the phone down and put it on speaker mode.
“Rea, are you seeing this?” Laster asked, “We’ve got a serious issue down here.”
“Yes, I am,” she replied, “Ro and I are reviewing the process list right now to see if anything stands out.”
“We’ll work as quickly as we can,” Ro Teether added, “But if the system becomes unstable that could really slow us down.”
The console window continued to add more lines to text to the list.
UNLOAD BEDROOM.LOC
BEDROOM.LOC OFFLINE
BEDROOM.LOC DELETED
“We just lost another room!” the FXI President announced.
“What’s happening?” Sayori asked as she looked over the FXI President’s shoulder, “Are Monika and Sayuri okay?”
“For the moment,” the FXI President replied, “We need to transmit now so we can get them off of VM1 ASAP.”
Kent nodded solemnly as he turned to Medrano. “Lauren, is there a threat to the UC?”
Medrano thought for a moment. “The UC itself shouldn’t be at risk; it runs on proprietary code that only exists in its control system so the odds of a virus being able to attack it are almost zero. What I’m more concerned about are the file servers that we use to store our data logs. Those could be highly vulnerable to a virus that destroys files.”
“Not good,” Kent replied, “Ive, how fast is this thing moving?”
“Hard to say,” Laster replied as he scowled at his laptop, “But based on what has happened so far I’d say we may not have more that a half an hour before VM1 goes down.”
Kent sighed. “Okay. Lauren, what do you think?”
“While I understand the importance of completing this project for the AI team,” Medrano said, an apologetic note in her voice, “And while I’m sure Ive is giving us his best guess on how long we have before this thing might spread, we can’t take risks with our data.”
Laster gave Medrano a look of disappointment. “So are you shutting us down?”
Medrano was silent for a long moment. She glanced at the clock on the wall of the control room before replying. “Let me do some quick checks on our systems to see what our backup status is. Shouldn’t take me more than a few minutes and if we’re lucky you’ll isolate this nasty code quickly.”
“Thanks, Lauren,” Laster said as he turned back to his laptop.
The UC control room had become largely quiet as Medrano worked with her engineers to check the security of their file servers while Laster continued to try to track the malicious code. Sayori, MC, Yuri and Natsuki looked increasingly anxious with each passing minute.
After several minutes, Medrano turned away from her laptop. “We checked our file servers, and our backup process won’t run again until seven tonight, so there is a threat to data that hasn’t been backed up. Out of professional courtesy, I’ll give you five minutes before we have to terminate the connection to your system. That should be enough time to transmit another AI to the UC. I know you wanted all six, but I can’t risk our data so we’ll just have to settle for five.”
“So only one more?” the FXI President asked.
Medrano nodded.
Sayori, MC, Yuri and Natsuki looked horrified as the meaning of Medrano’s words hit them.
“No,” Sayori mouthed silently, tears forming in her eyes.
Laster covered his eyes with his hands for a brief moment as he thought. “Thank you, Lauren. It’s definitely not the outcome we wanted but I appreciate the five minutes to transmit one more of them.”
Miner picked up Laster’s phone, which was still connected to Vorte and Teether.
“We’re going to send one more AI to the UC. Once we confirm that the transmission is complete, move the remaining AI to cold storage.”
“Understood,” Teether replied, “We’ll shut down VM1 as well to prevent this thing from spreading.”
“Are you ready for me to go?” Sayuri asked from the terminal window on the FXI President’s laptop.
Laster turned to the FXI President. “Should I tell them?”
The FXI President shook his head. “I’ll tell them.”
He turned back to his laptop. “There’s…there’s been a problem. A virus appears to be attacking VM1 and deleting files. We don’t know how long we have, but the UC people will only let us send one of you before they terminate the connection. I’m sorry.”
Monika and Sayuri did not immediately reply, but the stunned and scared looks on their faces said more than words.

What's good, everyone? I'm Matthew, you can call me Matt if you like. I'm from Utah County and non-Mormon, so you can see the obvious fun I have dating /S. I'm not making this a sob story; the real reason I'm posting here is that it feels a bit more personal than a dating app. I'm a pretty cheerful, confident guy. I can be a massive smartass and yap a lot, but I can have serious conversations and value communication. So, if you need an ear, I'm game, but do expect the same in return. I tend to be out and about a lot, usually doing stupid stuff and trying not to get hurt or in trouble while doing it. Most of the time, I'm a pro, but there are quite a few stories where I fumbled, lol.
I like to work out. I mostly do calisthenics. I'm admittedly fairly skinny but decently toned. I've also taken up running, but I'm not Usain Bolt, lol. I also play video games, mostly military simulation games like Arma and OHD. I also play platformers like Mario and Sonic, with Sonic being my go-to for my neurodivergent self. I'm big into history, mostly WW2 and the Cold War, and some WW1. I'm actually working on making a Cold War-themed board game.
On top of being a nerd, I do have a sensitive side. I know some of you have probably rolled your eyes, but hey, I like to write poems, and I'm a huge flirt when I warm up to someone. I'm looking for a sweet, caring person around my age and preferably living in the USA. I'm not picky, but I have a huge soft spot for feminine guys and alternative girls. In reality, it's more important that we click, you know? So, if you don't fit those 100%, I'm still down if we hit it off.
As for my values, I'm very liberal and an atheist. You don't have to share my views exactly, but I'm being upfront now to avoid causing issues later. I drink sometimes and don't use drugs. I don't care if you use pot, but anything harder is a no-go zone for me, as my family has some history with addiction. If you want to talk, I'm down to give you my Snap or Discord in DM

I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
Apparently in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

I'm really struggling that my long-distance girlfriend broke up with me. We were together for 2 years and 3 months; My ex (19F) and I (21m), traveled about five times from Ireland to Sweden to see her, usually for up to 2 weeks together. Our relationship started wonderfully with multiple dates, staying with her family, going to the north of Sweden, being involved in each other’s lives and we would call or text daily.
The last maybe 3 months we have had a rough patch, and we were trying to work on it, but she kept denying proper communication or bottling stuff up and not telling me, while on the other hand I kept saying all my issues and what needs to be worked on for the both of us. This ended up in her just out of nowhere, saying she needs a break and no contact without discussing it first. For the first week, I tried my best and would just send over love poems to her every day and remix our favorite songs. I have had bad trust issues with her because of a few broken promises, and I was overthinking absolutely everything.
On the second week, I had complete breakdowns and begged for her to talk to me. I was able to convince her to talk, and that day went amazing, We decided to play a game for our 2 years and 3 months. But by the end of it, she wanted to continue the break, and I told her I couldn’t handle it and that at least in the next 2 to 3 months, we could play a game, and she said sure. When that day came, she just blanked me and said she couldn’t handle it and I had a breakdown, started to overthink so badly, and kept spam calling and pleading with her. Then the break ended, and we were going to talk, but she said she wanted to talk with her parents first, and then afterwards she sent this.
“Hi... I know the last few months have been hard on you and they have for me aswell... I have been feeling drained and tired and I have felt unable to fulfill ur needs. During this time I have truly done my best, I have ever since the beginning... but my own mental health is catching up to me... we have become destructive... we hurt eachother without meaning too and we are both drained... we want different things in the relationship and my mental health is very badly affected by this... I think the best thing for the both of us is to let eachother go... even if it hurts... we are both only getting hurt by this and we can't be in this relationship anymore... I am heartbroken over this decision and I can't talk to u on call about all of this because I can't clearly get my feelings through when I am this sad... I hope u can understand my decision... atleast eventually...”
I tried to call and plead with her to talk, but every couple of days she would just copy and paste and say she had made up her decision and to stop contacting her. I had a seizure after a week with no contact and texted her, Can we talk?, and then she blocked me. It’s been 2 weeks, and I’m just feeling dead and so scared of being alone. I had flights already booked to go visit her and I cant refund them, which are in 5 days, and I want to go see her, but I’m also so scared of just hurting her more. I convinced a friend to come with me for support and we got a hotel in an other city.
I also need to get a little of my stuff back if we are over, but I don’t know what to do. I’m considering going through her older sister, who is 28 who lives in another city and asking her if she would be willing to get my stuff back, but I also have so many gifts and books I bought for her graduation that I want give to her, but our relationship is over.
I was planning to maybe get flowers for my ex but leave the gifts I already bought for her with her older sister, and then ask the older sister if she can contact my ex to bring over my stuff while I’m gone to the beach or something and come pick up my stuff after my ex leaves.
But I also so badly want to see her. But I understand it is wrong of me to see her.
I need some advice and support from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How should I proceed?
TLDR: A long-distance relationship of 2 years and 3 months ended abruptly after a rough patch where communication issues arose. The girlfriend cited mental health struggles and differing relationship needs as reasons for the breakup. Despite attempts to reconcile, she has insisted on no contact. I'm devastated and unsure about reaching out to their ex-girlfriend, even though I have flights booked to visit her soon. I also need to retrieve some belongings but am unsure how to go about it. I'm torn between wanting closure and fearing further hurt. How should I proceed?

I'm really struggling that my long-distance girlfriend broke up with me. We were together for 2 years and 3 months; My ex (19F) and I (21m), traveled about five times from Ireland to Sweden to see her, usually for up to 2 weeks together. Our relationship started wonderfully with multiple dates, staying with her family, going to the north of Sweden, being involved in each other’s lives and we would call or text daily.
The last maybe 3 months we have had a rough patch, and we were trying to work on it, but she kept denying proper communication or bottling stuff up and not telling me, while on the other hand I kept saying all my issues and what needs to be worked on for the both of us. This ended up in her just out of nowhere, saying she needs a break and no contact without discussing it first. For the first week, I tried my best and would just send over love poems to her every day and remix our favorite songs. I have had bad trust issues with her because of a few broken promises, and I was overthinking absolutely everything.
On the second week, I had complete breakdowns and begged for her to talk to me. I was able to convince her to talk, and that day went amazing, We decided to play a game for our 2 years and 3 months. But by the end of it, she wanted to continue the break, and I told her I couldn’t handle it and that at least in the next 2 to 3 months, we could play a game, and she said sure. When that day came, she just blanked me and said she couldn’t handle it and I had a breakdown, started to overthink so badly, and kept spam calling and pleading with her. Then the break ended, and we were going to talk, but she said she wanted to talk with her parents first, and then afterwards she sent this.
“Hi... I know the last few months have been hard on you and they have for me aswell... I have been feeling drained and tired and I have felt unable to fulfill ur needs. During this time I have truly done my best, I have ever since the beginning... but my own mental health is catching up to me... we have become destructive... we hurt eachother without meaning too and we are both drained... we want different things in the relationship and my mental health is very badly affected by this... I think the best thing for the both of us is to let eachother go... even if it hurts... we are both only getting hurt by this and we can't be in this relationship anymore... I am heartbroken over this decision and I can't talk to u on call about all of this because I can't clearly get my feelings through when I am this sad... I hope u can understand my decision... atleast eventually...”
I tried to call and plead with her to talk, but every couple of days she would just copy and paste and say she had made up her decision and to stop contacting her. I had a seizure after a week with no contact and texted her, Can we talk?, and then she blocked me. It’s been 2 weeks, and I’m just feeling dead and so scared of being alone. I had flights already booked to go visit her and I cant refund them, which are in 5 days, and I want to go see her, but I’m also so scared of just hurting her more. I convinced a friend to come with me for support and we got a hotel in an other city.
I also need to get a little of my stuff back if we are over, but I don’t know what to do. I’m considering going through her older sister, who is 28 who lives in another city and asking her if she would be willing to get my stuff back, but I also have so many gifts and books I bought for her graduation that I want give to her, but our relationship is over.
I was planning to maybe get flowers for my ex but leave the gifts I already bought for her with her older sister, and then ask the older sister if she can contact my ex to bring over my stuff while I’m gone to the beach or something and come pick up my stuff after my ex leaves.
But I also so badly want to see her. But I understand it is wrong of me to see her.
I need some advice and support from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How should I proceed?
TLDR: A long-distance relationship of 2 years and 3 months ended abruptly after a rough patch where communication issues arose. The girlfriend cited mental health struggles and differing relationship needs as reasons for the breakup. Despite attempts to reconcile, she has insisted on no contact. I'm devastated and unsure about reaching out to their ex-girlfriend, even though I have flights booked to visit her soon. I also need to retrieve some belongings but am unsure how to go about it. I'm torn between wanting closure and fearing further hurt. How should I proceed?

I'm really struggling that my long-distance girlfriend broke up with me. We were together for 2 years and 3 months; My ex (19F) and I (21m), traveled about five times from Ireland to Sweden to see her, usually for up to 2 weeks together. Our relationship started wonderfully with multiple dates, staying with her family, going to the north of Sweden, being involved in each other’s lives and we would call or text daily.
The last maybe 3 months we have had a rough patch, and we were trying to work on it, but she kept denying proper communication or bottling stuff up and not telling me, while on the other hand I kept saying all my issues and what needs to be worked on for the both of us. This ended up in her just out of nowhere, saying she needs a break and no contact without discussing it first. For the first week, I tried my best and would just send over love poems to her every day and remix our favorite songs. I have had bad trust issues with her because of a few broken promises, and I was overthinking absolutely everything.
On the second week, I had complete breakdowns and begged for her to talk to me. I was able to convince her to talk, and that day went amazing, We decided to play a game for our 2 years and 3 months. But by the end of it, she wanted to continue the break, and I told her I couldn’t handle it and that at least in the next 2 to 3 months, we could play a game, and she said sure. When that day came, she just blanked me and said she couldn’t handle it and I had a breakdown, started to overthink so badly, and kept spam calling and pleading with her. Then the break ended, and we were going to talk, but she said she wanted to talk with her parents first, and then afterwards she sent this.
“Hi... I know the last few months have been hard on you and they have for me aswell... I have been feeling drained and tired and I have felt unable to fulfill ur needs. During this time I have truly done my best, I have ever since the beginning... but my own mental health is catching up to me... we have become destructive... we hurt eachother without meaning too and we are both drained... we want different things in the relationship and my mental health is very badly affected by this... I think the best thing for the both of us is to let eachother go... even if it hurts... we are both only getting hurt by this and we can't be in this relationship anymore... I am heartbroken over this decision and I can't talk to u on call about all of this because I can't clearly get my feelings through when I am this sad... I hope u can understand my decision... atleast eventually...”
I tried to call and plead with her to talk, but every couple of days she would just copy and paste and say she had made up her decision and to stop contacting her. I had a seizure after a week with no contact and texted her, Can we talk?, and then she blocked me. It’s been 2 weeks, and I’m just feeling dead and so scared of being alone. I had flights already booked to go visit her, which are in 5 days, and I want to go see her, but I’m also so scared of just hurting her more.
I also need to get a little of my stuff back if we are over, but I don’t know what to do. I’m considering going through her older sister, who is 28, and asking her if she would be willing to get my stuff back, but I also have so many gifts and books I bought for her graduation to give to her, but our relationship is over.
I was planning to maybe get flowers for my ex but leave the gifts I already bought for her with her older sister, and then ask the older sister if she can contact my ex to bring over my stuff while I’m gone to the beach or something and come pick up my stuff after my ex leaves.
But I also so badly want to see her. Its like a glimmer of hope inside of me that maybe if she sees me, she will remember the good parts and we can properly talk and either get back together or find closure, or at least just hug her for a long time.
I need some advice and support from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How should I proceed?
TLDR: A long-distance relationship of 2 years and 3 months ended abruptly after a rough patch where communication issues arose. The girlfriend cited mental health struggles and differing relationship needs as reasons for the breakup. Despite attempts to reconcile, she has insisted on no contact. I'm devastated and unsure about reaching out to their ex-girlfriend, even though I have flights booked to visit her soon. I also need to retrieve some belongings but am unsure how to go about it. I'm torn between wanting closure and fearing further hurt. How should I proceed?

I am a girl in my late teens and I live in India. I live at home with my parents and I am a single child.My dad works a corporate job and my mom is a housewife.I would say I have a very good relationship with both my parents, they are great parents and have sacrificed a lot for me. They got married against their families' wishes and in India back in the early 2000s that used to be a big deal. We've had rocky relationships with both sides of the extended families so they're all I have, they're my biggest support system and my best friends. They've never treated me like they are my parents and I'm their kid. At home we all treat each other as equals and everyone's opinion is heard. Since they got married against their families' wishes my mom always told me one thing and that was if I wanted to marry someone I just had to ask and they would support my decision and welcome my future husband into the family with open arms which is a gesture I deeply appreciate. Although I have never felt like I want to get married recently me and my childhood best friend got into a relationship and I really feel like he could be the one but we have no intentions of getting married now we have atleast 10 years ahead of us which is a long time but I am becoming more open to the idea of marriage and being someone's wife. My friends at college often tell me that their parents are not as open to the idea of marrying for love with some of them also giving sly hints that if we don't do well in terms of grades then they will set them up to get married with someone after crossing legal marriage age. As I mentioned before I'm a single child which meant I got all the love and affection from my parents but at the same time they expect a lot from me academically speaking which I understand in today's world you have to be competitive. So lately I've been preparing for an entrance exam which is in June I've been doing my best waking up early studying for hours and sticking to my schedule as much as possible. Last week I had just had my lunch and was watching TV which I only do when I have my lunch and dinner. I was sitting on the couch when my mom walks in with no prior warning just says to me that you know how u tell me that your friends parents often tell them that if they don't do well they will be married off in an arranged marriage, we'll have to do the same if you don't clear this exam. At first she said it so calmly I almost thought it was a joke and I replied with what. She looked at me like she meant it and I told her I'm sorry but if you want I'll move out of the house ( just so u know in India kids don't usually leave their parents house unless they're getting married and even then the boys will stay with their parents and take care of them along with their wives) but I won't marry against my will. She looks at me and goes I'm not giving you a choice honey. I immediately left the room and went back to mine it took me a good 15 minutes to realize what had just happened and when I did I just started crying and couldn't stop for a good hour or so I felt sick to my stomach. My first thought was how she would never say this to me if I was a boy I felt humiliated that after all that I have done for you this is what you're reducing me to. Today was mother's Day and I hadn't spoken to her for almost a week I would speak to my dad after he got home but generally I avoided speaking to her. Usually on mother's Day I would go out and buy her some earrings from my pocket money and prepare some sort of a greeting card for her. Last year I wrote her a poem and she loved it. I wished her when I woke up in the morning and went on with my day she didn't say anything and neither has she shown any remorse or regret for saying that to me. My dad knows that we had a fight but doesn't know what happened exactly so he thinks it's just a small bump in the road. I'm sure he'll react the same way I have if I told him which I haven't yet. The only reason I have been doing well is because I have been speaking to my childhood friends almost everyday I wasn't in contact with them until very recently it seems like they are the ones that have saved me from this hellhole of a living situation. Today I spoke to one of my other friends who lives in the same building as me and told her about this situation at home she empathized with me and asked me to try and resolve this for the sake of my own mental health and sanity. Also with the upcoming exam stress I should keep myself composed which I agree with. But something inside me keeps telling me to not give in. We argue every now and then and it's usually because of something I did to which I immediately apologize and still she givese the silent treatment sometimes inspite me apologizing I want to resolve it but this time I'm deeply hurt and can't help it. What should I do? And AITA?

I'm really struggling that my long-distance girlfriend broke up with me. We were together for 2 years and 3 months; My ex (19F) and I (21m), I travelled about five times from Ireland to Sweden to see her, usually up to 2 weeks together. Our relationship started wonderfully with multiple dates, staying with her family, going to the north of Sweden, being involved in each other’s lives and we would call or text daily.
The last maybe 3 months we have had a rough patch, and we were trying to work on it, but she kept denying proper communication or bottling stuff up and not telling me, while on the other hand I kept saying all my issues and what needs to be worked on for the both of us. This ended up in her just out of nowhere, saying she needs a break and no contact without discussing it first. For the first week, I tried my best and would just send over love poems to her every day and remix our favorite songs. I have had bad trust issues with her because of a few broken promises, and I was overthinking absolutely everything.
On the second week, I had complete breakdowns and begged for her to talk to me. I was able to convince her to talk, and that day went amazing, We decided to play a game for our 2 years and 3 months. But by the end of it, she wanted to continue the break, and I told her I couldn’t handle it and that at least in the next 2 to 3 months, we could play a game, and she said sure. When that day came, she just blanked me and said she couldn’t handle it and I had a breakdown, started to overthink so badly, and kept spam calling and pleading with her. Then the break ended, and we were going to talk, but she said she wanted to talk with her parents first, and then afterwards she sent this.
“Hi... I know the last few months have been hard on you and they have for me aswell... I have been feeling drained and tired and I have felt unable to fulfill ur needs. During this time I have truly done my best, I have ever since the beginning... but my own mental health is catching up to me... we have become destructive... we hurt eachother without meaning too and we are both drained... we want different things in the relationship and my mental health is very badly affected by this... I think the best thing for the both of us is to let eachother go... even if it hurts... we are both only getting hurt by this and we can't be in this relationship anymore... I am heartbroken over this decision and I can't talk to u on call about all of this because I can't clearly get my feelings through when I am this sad... I hope u can understand my decision... atleast eventually...”
I tried to call and plead with her to talk, but every couple of days she would just copy and paste and say she had made up her decision and to stop contacting her. I had a seizure after a week with no contact and texted her, Can we talk?, and then she blocked me. It’s been 2 weeks, and I’m just feeling dead and so scared of being alone. I had flights already booked to go visit her, which are in 5 days, and I want to go see her, but I’m also so scared of just hurting her more.
I also need to get a little of my stuff back if we are over, but I don’t know what to do. I’m considering going through her older sister, who is 28, and asking her if she would be willing to get my stuff back, but I also have so many gifts and books I bought for her graduation to give to her, but our relationship is over.
I was planning to maybe get flowers for my ex but leave the gifts I already bought for her with her older sister, and then ask the older sister if she can contact my ex to bring over my stuff while I’m gone to the beach or something and come pick up my stuff after my ex leaves.
But I also so badly want to see her. Its like a glimmer of hope inside of me that maybe if she sees me, she will remember the good parts and we can properly talk and either get back together or find closure, or at least just hug her for a long time.
I need some advice and support from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I'm really struggling that my long-distance girlfriend broke up with me. We were together for 2 years and 3 months; she is currently 19 and I’m 21, I travelled about five times from Ireland to Sweden to see her, usually up to 2 weeks together. Our relationship started wonderfully with multiple dates, staying with her family, going to the north of Sweden, being involved in each other’s lives and we would call or text daily.
The last maybe 3 months we have had a rough patch, and we were trying to work on it, but she kept denying proper communication or bottling stuff up and not telling me, while on the other hand I kept saying all my issues and what needs to be worked on for the both of us. This ended up in her just out of nowhere, saying she needs a break and no contact without discussing it first. For the first week, I tried my best and would just send over love poems to her every day and remix our favorite songs. I have had bad trust issues with her because of a few broken promises, and I was overthinking absolutely everything.
On the second week, I had complete breakdowns and begged for her to talk to me. I was able to convince her to talk, and that day went amazing, We decided to play a game for our 2 years and 3 months. But by the end of it, she wanted to continue the break, and I told her I couldn’t handle it and that at least in the next 2 to 3 months, we could play a game, and she said sure. When that day came, she just blanked me and said she couldn’t handle it and I had a breakdown, started to overthink so badly, and kept spam calling and pleading with her. Then the break ended, and we were going to talk, but she said she wanted to talk with her parents first, and then afterwards she sent this.
“Hi... I know the last few months have been hard on you and they have for me aswell... I have been feeling drained and tired and I have felt unable to fulfill ur needs. During this time I have truly done my best, I have ever since the beginning... but my own mental health is catching up to me... we have become destructive... we hurt eachother without meaning too and we are both drained... we want different things in the relationship and my mental health is very badly affected by this... I think the best thing for the both of us is to let eachother go... even if it hurts... we are both only getting hurt by this and we can't be in this relationship anymore... I am heartbroken over this decision and I can't talk to u on call about all of this because I can't clearly get my feelings through when I am this sad... I hope u can understand my decision... atleast eventually...”
I tried to call and plead with her to talk, but every couple of days she would just copy and paste and say she had made up her decision and to stop contacting her. I had a seizure after a week with no contact and texted her, Can we talk?, and then she blocked me. It’s been 2 weeks, and I’m just feeling dead and so scared of being alone. I had flights already booked to go visit her, which are in 5 days, and I want to go see her, but I’m also so scared of just hurting her more.
I also need to get a little of my stuff back if we are over, but I don’t know what to do. I’m considering going through her older sister, who is 28, and asking her if she would be willing to get my stuff back, but I also have so many gifts and books I bought for her graduation to give to her, but our relationship is over.
I was planning to maybe get flowers for my ex but leave the gifts I already bought for her with her older sister, and then ask the older sister if she can contact my ex to bring over my stuff while I’m gone to the beach or something and come pick up my stuff after my ex leaves.
But I also so badly want to see her. Its like a glimmer of hope inside of me that maybe if she sees me, she will remember the good parts and we can properly talk and either get back together or find closure, or at least just hug her for a long time.
I need some advice and support from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

(May 12, 2024 - 11:17 PM)
I hope you never find this.
hi Erean, it's me again., si migs. If you don't remember who that is, I'm the guy who courted you, who gave you letters and poems, who you called your "human diary". And I know it's been a while, antagal na rin nating hindi nag-uusap, hell antagal na rin kitang hindi nasusulatan ng letters. But this is the final letter, I'll ever dedicate to you and I hope you never find this. Actually matagal ko na tong gustong gawin, I could just never face the truth dati. The naked truth na takot akong bitawan ka.
Pero dati na yon, I'm all good and I've actually moved on na rin. Heck, di ko na nga talaga to dapat gagawin pero something came up and here I am.
I'm letting you go.
I know haha, it's quite ironic na ngayon ko lang nasabi 'to sayo kahit na ako yung nagsabi ng "please, let me go". It's hilarious and yes I admit medyo nakakalito (believe me kahit ako na confuse as to why ako ganito non). But naked truth, you were very hard to let go.
One, you're fucking pretty. Your pictures, your voice, your mindset, everything about you was beautiful, and maybe it was just infatuation or maybe obsessed lang talaga ako sayo.
Two, you were everywhere, nung time na blinock kita, which was 8 months ago (damn), I couldn't smile for weeks. Because everything beautiful reminded me of you.
It fucking sucks to be a poet, because it shed light to the truth of the saying that "you could never really appreciate beauty once you lose the person you love" and that's true because I loved you. When you were gone, I saw you everywhere, I saw you in sunsets, in flowers, in the clouds, even in songs, all I could think of was you, anything beautiful tol, nandun ka. And I couldn't enjoy anything for weeks kasi nga maaalala lang kita. I couldn't even enjoyn reading kase nung nakabili ako ng libro, I printed some of your pictures (photocard size) and used it as bookmarks, kase photocards talaga bookmarks ko. So for months talaga di nagalaw mga books ko and once I started reading them again, BOOM mukha mo, ang ganda, shet tiklop nanaman.
Three, you were my home. I've come to associate that term with you, ever since you recommended me that song on facebook. "oh home, let me come home... home is wherever I'm with you." Rest, solace, comfort, I found that in you. And as we got to know each other more, I found the freedom to become myself. Which is why I always felt safe whenever it was you. And likewise rin sayo, as you said noon.
But why I'm letting you go is because I realized that I didn't deserve the treatment you gave me. Throughout the time na nililigawan kita, I always felt alone. During that time I was always trying to rationalize why I felt that way and what I could do to fix it. But you can't rationalize emotions, you feel them. And that was my mistake kase I bottled it up but it eventually broke through me, then it broke me. I tried to communicate that naman, but nothing really changed, and lumala lang. Kaya yeah.
I'm done looking at it through rose colored glasses.
As you can see medyo nahirapan talaga akong mag move on kasi whenever I thought of you, all I could remember was the sweet moments natin, even if we had few. Never the sleepless nights, never the breakdowns, not even the times that I apologized because I was hurt that you couldn't have time for me. Listen I understand it now, how hard it is maging senior high. And I tried to understand it then. It's draining and minsan talaga nakakawalang gana makipag usap sa tao. But I tried naman, I adjusted, you know that. Saan ka man comfortable, sige dun tayo. Once a week nalang mag usap? sige goo.
I thought I knew what price I was paying but, that gradually crushed me. How I would update you throughout my day, fucking send 14 messages na may mga paragraph pa, only for you to reply with 4-6 messages, sometimes none. And yeah idk why but ako pa rin yung nag a-apologize nung time na yon. Maybe it's because of how I was brought up, but I considered it my fault that I was feeling that way.
I'm done apologizing.
Did you know that this letter has had about 7 drafts already, throughout different times I tried to write this final letter and I always gave up after the first paragraph. Wanna know why? Because in all 7 letters, the most recurring words were "I'm sorry".
"I'm sorry if you felt like you were responsible for my feelings" "I'm sorry I was hurt" "I'm sorry that I became a burden on you"
I always felt so bad after attempting to write this letter then, it was like having a knife to my neck. Well I'm done with that already. I'm done apologizing for things I shouldn't be.
Listen I'm not mad at you, I don't hate you, nor am I asking you for an apology. You're not obligated to do that to me. It's okay. We don't have to apologize to one another, I've forgiven you and I'm choosing to move on na. Not for you, and especially not for love, but for me.
How could you.
I just wanna address the whole telegram thing, cause I feel the need to. It was just a little insensitive kasi nga we weren't on the best of terms nung time na yon. Yun yung nag pa block ka sakin. And yeah you know naman what we were going through. Medyo nagulat lang ako na you just talked to me like that, so casually. I was hurting and healing at the same time pero damn. tas sinabi mo pa yung "kung tayo, edi tayo" line and that seriously fucked me up. Kase at the time I was trying to give up on that na, cause I thought you did too. Pero yeah, now I've given up on that na, I hope u do too.
(Also I told u non sa pasko mo ko ichat ulit kasi I wasn't ready to talk to you again that time. Pero you stood me up, so yeah, fun christmas.)
Move on too.
I know this may seem late but move on too, although I think you already did judging on your replies sa sayout ( i don't remember typing that, so it must be someone else). But yeah move on na rin and give up on the idea that we'll ever meet and be together. Kase I've given up na. I've grieved losing you long enough. I hope that you move on, find someone new as well, and hopefully see that person in your future. Good luck sa future mo, I hope you pursue engineering, whatever you choose to do, you have my support, as your friend.
P.S. I found God
Well more like he found me again, nung time na nililigawan kita, I was distant from God for reasons beyond you, pero I still had a little amount of faith. Kahit distant ako non I prayed for you on two or three seperate occasions, one of which (namention ko na to sayo) was on the same week I considered being an atheist. Back then I was asking God for a sign if you were the one and he never gave me one pero pinilit ko kase kaya yeah. Then, I would've turned my back on God's plan if it meant I would be with you. But now balaka jan I'm walking with the man who saved my soul. And same thing happened with this girl I like sa church. Man 10/10 talaga siya but prayer ko lang for the girl is "your will be done Lord". And I guess 'di talaga will ni Lord kaya I surrendered it to God, but man she's so pretty.
yun lang, oh and ang ganda ng buwan tonight.

Hi, I was never really much of a writer, and English Lit. and Lang. were easily my weakest subjects, but I had feelings and was recently inspired by something else to write a poem. I'm sorry if the content is upsetting, or even just unenjoyable, but feel free to leave criticism, critique, whatever you want in the comments.
Anyways, here is the poem:
Benched by life, the unnerving march of time Peering through the blue-stained glass, shattered by experience
Faces painted with bows, an endearing bezier Hearts made by love, shaped by experience
Hobbies stowed, interests shallowed Never understanding, confused by experience
Why did the other kids get them, but not me? Why could your other kids get them? But not me.
To say I was first, could that really mean I won? To spend the rest of my life wondering what I had done?
Why could you love them, but not me?
An achievement; we'll look at it later An importance emphasised on your shortcomings An inevitable feeling that you failed, once again An eternal upset, coiled around your tenacity
Could it be me?
I was productive today, but first we should look at everything I didn't get done I smiled today, but you should focus on emphasising when I don't
To a degree, a guilty trophy Less inanimate, more fragile Malleable, heartful, attentive. Curious. Destructive, hurtful, "how do I make a trophy cry"?
A learning curve - first experience Maybe I won't work out, but the next one can And the next one And then the next one
Truly, take your time to learn for them. But not me.
I'm malleable heartful attentive curious
Loved?
I'm malleable heartful attentive curious
Happy?
Foundations unstructured, support divided A shadow looming, thinking you can't fight it
I mean, you're a child, a trophy, a learning curve But are you a fighter?
Speak to someone, tell a trusted adult Perhaps your sleeping could be at fault Take a shower, go on a walk I'm only young, you don't think I need this talk
I mean, you're a child, a trophy, a learning curve But are you important?
I'm malleable.
I wasn't productive today, but thankfully, you were there to look at everything I didn't get done Nor did I smile today, but thankfully, you made sure to emphasise that when we got home
For what it's worth, the curiosity never diminished
I still wondered I still thought
What if time kept going, but not me?

General
I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable, curious and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that.
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

I am sharing this as an emotional outlet among other siblings in christ 

My Experience It was January 10, 2011. I’ll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldn’t give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didn’t react as it was, I didn’t expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didn’t know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed “Please Help me help me I’m being kidnapped! Please!” They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet it’ll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldn’t. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how I’d get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didn’t get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3’s and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I don’t know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the “wall” because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something you’d wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldn’t wear it. So i got it out and he didn’t know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when I’d get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When we’d wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didn’t make it wed get an essay. I’m naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. That’s my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didn’t understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasn’t broken, but I just wanted a new one. You don’t love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a “fire drill” in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I don’t know for sure but that’s what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and “build you up” you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldn’t be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have “admitting to a bad act” of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was “Orphan Whore”. Also there were other students who weren’t going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesn’t masterbate, and i’ll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, they’ll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Well… My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i don’t blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. I’m a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because I’m bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind can’t explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times I’ve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I don’t still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasn’t brought home for it, no, I was allowed to “write a letter to be read”. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I can’t. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. I’d hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldn’t protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me

My Experience 

It was January 10, 2011. I’ll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldn’t give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didn’t react as it was, I didn’t expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didn’t know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed “Please Help me help me I’m being kidnapped! Please!” They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet it’ll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldn’t. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how I’d get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didn’t get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3’s and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I don’t know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the “wall” because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something you’d wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldn’t wear it. So i got it out and he didn’t know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when I’d get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When we’d wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didn’t make it wed get an essay. I’m naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. That’s my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didn’t understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasn’t broken, but I just wanted a new one. You don’t love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a “fire drill” in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I don’t know for sure but that’s what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and “build you up” you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldn’t be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have “admitting to a bad act” of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was “Orphan Whore”. Also there were other students who weren’t going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesn’t masterbate, and i’ll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, they’ll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Well… My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i don’t blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. I’m a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because I’m bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind can’t explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times I’ve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I don’t still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasn’t brought home for it, no, I was allowed to “write a letter to be read”. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I can’t. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. I’d hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldn’t protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me

or an estimate of a date, i guess? a friend is visiting sometime next month and she hasn't booked her return tickets, but the first weekend after she leaves i'll do it. or at least try. knowing the kind of person i am i might chicken out - i'm a coward in every respect of my life - but i think writing it down here and putting it out in the world might help make it a bit more real. like some twisted sense of accountability.
i've been passively suicidal for 3-4 years now but the past few months have been the first times i really woke up in the morning and thought "i should do it today. i could do it today" and it's just kept happening. my life has been steadily falling apart for years - that's too passive, i know i've been the one ruining my own life - and there's nothing left. which i know sounds stupid and whiny and childish as a 21 year old but there's just a sense of finality in my life. i've dropped out of college, ended my relationship, stopped talking to virtually all of my friends, ruined my life in its entirety. for years now it's killed me that you can call it quits in every aspect of your life other than being alive. why is there no fucking — i don't know, no game over or quit button lmao. no way to say "well i gave it a try and it's not for me, i give up!" why is there no other way to do that than killing yourself. i feel like nearly everyone i know was dealing with some sort of mental illness back when the pandemic started and we were finishing up high school. i felt less alone. every single one of them is living the life of their dreams now - loving relationships, dream jobs, ivy league grad schools, whatever - and i'm worse than i ever have been. i tried therapy but nothing helped, nothing worked. the thought of being stuck with myself and the complete wreck i've made of myself, having to live with every failure day in and day out for the rest of my life - i can't do it. i just can't do it anymore and the thought of this defining the rest of my life is unbearable. i'm done. i'm fucking done with this.
the one thing i do regret is adopting a cat in january. my beloved baby girl she's so lovely and so so sweet, but pragmatically i've been gone for the semester so she'll hardly remember me and i know my parents will take good care of her. the thought of hurting my parents is genuinely unbearable though so i'll have to avoid thinking about that as much as i can until it's too late. what else can you do?
what worries me is figuring out a method. i don't want to fuck it up and survive having damaged my internal organs beyond repair, i want it to be clean and i want it to stick. there's a line from a poem i like: "when I die, I will come in fast and low. I will stick the landing." i think about that a lot. in a fucked up way, working out a method will be a fun little project for the rest of the month. or maybe that's a pipe dream and there's no "clean" way to do it and whatever i do will be painful and drawn-out and damage my liver or w/e beyond repair until i finally die. it'll probably be that. oh god
this fucking sucks! my friend is texting me about flying out to see her boyfriend! two of my friends are talking about their new relationships! it's graduation weekend and someone outside my door just chirped "happy grad day" to her friend in the brightest voice! there was apparently an aurora last night that i completely missed + i think it's too cloudy here to see it, i'd wanted to see one my entire life! i found a nice italian spot in the city last month! and none of that matters and i feel worse than i ever have and i'm posting on a suicide watch subreddit about killing myself because that's just who i am and who i'll always be! i'm going back and proofreading this post like any of this fucking matters to anyone other than me, like any of it will matter at all a few weeks from now. in a way that's almost a relief.
i don't really want to do it - it's fucking biological instinct, nobody wants to die - but i have to force myself to. it's like swallowing bitter medicine, honestly that's exactly what it'll probably be. i don't have any other choice

General
I am looking for a lady between 28 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I tried to be as concise as possible while still providing what details I think are crucial to know; I realise this post turned out very long, but I prefer those because I can get as good an idea as possible with detailed descriptions, bar actually talking to the person, and find that very valuable, so if that also applies to you, that would be awesome.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I am looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and sexual compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, sexual compatibility. I have a high libido and I have kinks, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy them together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, sexual fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

TLDR: Husband puts a lot of effort into his relationships with others but constantly neglects ours and its making me feel jealous and resentful.
We've been together for a decade and have been married for 5 years. One thing I've noticed lately is that my husband cares more about other people than he does me, to put in bluntly. Obviously I know he loves me, but here are sone examples of what I mean.
He'll go out of his way to accommodate everyone but me. It's like my feelings don't exist to him, even though I will actively tell him how this hurts me.
Example #1: I get home from work and will ask him about his day. He'll say fine and I will try to make conversation and he will give one word responses, as if it was the most boring thing he could be doing in that moment. And then we'll get into a group call with our friends and he will immediately and energetically ask them about their days and ask them a million questions. I couldn't tell you the last time he asked me about my day, if he ever has.
Example #2: For events like mothers day, fathers day, and birthdays he will spend a lot of time designing intricate, heartwarming presents for his friends and family. For mothers day, he printed off a picture of their family and her favorite poem and combined them into one and framed it. For my birthday, he just asks for an Amazon link. I don't think he even knows my favorite poem because he's never asked.
Example #3: I will tell him that I want to go to a specific place for lunch with our friends. He agrees but then when it comes time to suggest places he will just agree with EVERYONE ELSES suggestions but mine and acts like our conversation never happened.
It seems like I'm overreacting as I'm writing this out- but it happens *constantly* and with *everything.* I feel like he isn't doing this maliciously but tries to do it to make people feel included and loved. The only issue is that I watch the effort he puts into his relationships with others and wish he would do the same for me.
Some things to note is that my husband is a people-pleaser to a fault. I know a lot of the things he does is because he's insecure in his relationships with others and feels like he has to do these things to maintain their friendship. I feel like he's so secure in our relationship he just forgets that itd be nice to do something for his wife every once in a while. He truly is my best friend but I constantly feel like I'm dumping effort in and getting nothing back. I've had a couple conversations with him about the lack of effort and he takes it really hard- saying he's sorry that he's not enough, etc. I don't think he does this to make me feel guilty- he genuinely thinks that in that moment.
But it never seems to change. I'm not even sure how to approach the conversation because he always takes it so hard every time. However, I don't want to continue on like this because I can feel resentment building up. How do I approach this conversation with him? Does anyone else experience this?