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weather, web, website, wedding, week, weekend, weekly, weigh, weight, welcome, welfare, well, west, western, wet, what, whatever, wheel, when, whenever, where, whereas, whether, which, while, whisper, white, who, whole, whom, whose, why, wide, widely, widespread, wife, wild, wildlife, will, willing, win, wind, window, wine, wing, winner, winter, wipe, wire, wisdom, wise, wish, with, withdraw, within, without, witness, woman, wonder, wonderful, wood, wooden, word, work, worker, working, workout, workplace, works, workshop, world, worried, worry, worth, would, wound, wrap, write, writer, writing, wrong, yard, yeah, year, yell, yellow, yes, yesterday, yet, yield, you, young, your, yours, yourself, youth, zone.

First, I am in constant communication with my doctor, but I find that as many don't provide adequate information regarding what to expect during a miscarriage ("It's just a heavy period") i am very reluctant to the information they're giving me about what I should be expecting post miscarriage.
That being said, I am waiting for them to open so I can figure out next steps but really need to know if people have experienced this and if it's possibly normal.
I miscarried on Friday, I would've been almost 11 weeks pregnant since LMP, but had an empty gestational sac measuring 6 weeks. It felt like all major tissue passed throughout Friday and I had lots of cramps and bleeding throughout the weekend.
By Monday evening the bleeding tampered off, now dark brown old discharge. The cramps are the worst I've ever experienced in my life. First, when i would pee, it was a burning sharp sensation not in my urethra but my uterus. It's like a butt cramp (stabbing knife pain in my rectum that i usually get every once in a whole during period) but shooting from my butt all the way through my uterus and abdomen. It started off occasionally and now it's almost constant by Tuesday.
My Minday Pelvic exam and cervix check all deemed normal per OB and they think this could just be changing hormones and uterus being tender. They did an hcg, is downtrending (12000 to 900 in a few days) and urinalysis is negative. Waiting on urine culture results but likely will be negative too.
Now the pain in constant. I can't wall. I can barely move. It's like gas pain but up to 1000x that don't seem to pass. I noticed now I am not passing gas easily and I had to sit on the toilet for an hour to try and have a bowel movement. I haven't had a real BM in a couple days now. Ima call and let my doctor know this morning but this is so scary to me. I'm terrified of having an infection or impacted intestinal issue. Still having the shooting sharp burning pains when I move or when I urinate.
Please let me know if anyone has experienced anything similar and what the outcome was. I may need to go to the ER if this gets worse.

Hi. I don't know how i found this subreddit i just googled some stuff ended up here and read some posts. Just to clarify I dont have a diagnosed CPTSD? I'd just like to share how my life has been because I genuinely have my whole life been thinking either what the fuck is wrong with my life theres no way this is normal and then sometimes i just think that im overreacting and my life has been completely normal. I'd like to know if im just imagining it or not I guess. Also I'd like to add that im doing somewhat better and im not experiencing THOSE bad thoughts anymore so please don't like report my account for being a danger to myself (I think that's a feature on reddit?). Im still a bit messed up but like still MUCH better than I used to be.
Honestly I read this whole thing and im adding here that I rant a lot maybe im just ranting about all the bad things in my life... Just a warning I guess. Don't read this if that's not what you want to read, this ended up super long sorry. Also I dont know if this is even relevant anymore. Half of this rant is about my family and other half about other bad things that happened I think. I don't know if this sub is only about like family stuff im sorry if this is the wrong place. Also trigger warning I had some thoughts about ending it and some self harm.
The first 10 years of my life were semi normal from my memory. Its been a while since those times and I dont remember it that well. I remember my parent's fought semi often (which is normal?) and some of my earliest memories were them yelling, fighting at night, my mother going out at night and yelling that shes never coming back, and a few times my mother doing stuff like talking in a scary voice and i remember crying and saying it was scary I think but she just kept doing it (while it was night and I was probably trying to sleep/go to sleep). I was also the middlechild so my parents always treated my older and younger sibling better like them having better stuff to some amount but not like a ridiculous amount. I also remember being scolded a lot by everyone if I did anything slightly wrong even by accident and I remember my brothers not being scolded at all if they did anything similaworse. Anyways I still mostly remember being semi happy and my life being somewhat normal if not just completely normal and im just focusing too much on the bad stuff. I also remember having sleep paralysises and nightmares a lot around when i was like I'd assume up to 12 years old and a weird thing i realized some time ago is that a lot of time in those nightmares/sleep paralysises the monsteperson that was scaring me was either of my parents. Anyways maybe im just reading into things and its a normal dream. I genuinely don't know if im just being a weirdo and my life was normal and im reading too much into stuff I dont want to pretend like my life was bad if it wasn't im just wondering so please don't get angry at me if its not im just wondering. Oh also my family really never spent much time with me atleast I dont remember them being around and mostly working when I wanted to play. I also remember my mother avoiding me like when I asked to spend time with them they just said no and to do something else. I was really bored as a child but I had videogames atleast so I mostly spent my time around them. Oh also 1 person who I thought was my friend beat me up at school because I said something mild not even at them that their class was worse than ours? I also passed out at school and I dont remember why and I remember my big brother just walking by me without saying a word when I had awoken in the hallway (they saw me and just ignored me...)
Anyways. When I turned 11 or so we moved while I was still in middle of elementary school so I had to leave the few friends I had behind (but my brothers didnt as the other was just beginning elementary school and other was entering middle school). I didn't really make any friends within the school and the few I did dropped me out when they realized I wasn't exactly popular. The teacher and other kids made school hard and while I usually achieved perfect grades i started barely passing in school because of how much I hated it. I also started forgetting stuff too and the teacher scolded me a lot because of that. I started being bullied to some amount by the other kids and my teacher so I started stress eating a lot and got kinda fat. Then they started bullying me about me being fat. I also had really no friends or contacts. I remember being extremely stressed out and my big brother making fun of me because of that. Then I remember getting depressed. I started not really trying anything anymore. My family didn't help they made fun of me being fat. Also I remember not really being physically attacked much but im pretty sure I at some point complained about my big brother hitting me with a controller in my head. But I dont remember if that actually happened? Knowing them it might have. Anyways I remember crying every morning around this age until I didn't anymore. I cried almost every morning because I didnt want to wake up and go to school and my parents sent me there anyways. The kids there made fun of that too I remember one of them asking "why is (me) crying every day" and someone answered to them "that I must be so happy"? Anyways eventually I stopped crying. I just didn't feel anything anymore other than anxiety and sadness and anger rarely. Mind you, through this my family didn't give a fuck about how I went from a somewhat happy child to someone who stayed inside all the time, went from healthy to fat within like a year and didn't feel anything anymore. They just focused on their own things. I started getting suicidal thoughts. I remember when I was a child (even younger) and I learned what suicide ment. I remember wondering why the hell anyone would ever want to do that. And now I felt like I wanted to do that. That's how bad I felt. I remember thinking what my family would think/how they would react if I drowned myself in the river. I went outside often at random times and just thought about doing it. I walked by this like electricity thing and I thought if I touched it would it kill me. Mind you these were just thoughts. I never actually acted to the point that I tried to do anything and I dont think I was doing that bad. I didn't act on these thoughts. I remember once coming home from one of these walks hoping they would wonder where I had been since I was like 12 and my mother just smiled at me (almost like she knew I was trying to get attention from them and with like an evil smile rather than a good one?) and said I was just outside walking to the others. I remember even thought I was the one who played the most games in my family, we got a PS3 and the old PS2 went to my littlebrother along the old TV from my big brother. Even thought the other played only a little and the other didn't play at all ever. I don't know if I was just being a brat but it felt bad taken that videogames were the only thing that made me a bit happy in my home. I remember them doing other stuff too like my big brother often telling me to kill myself, doing stuff like pointing a toy gun at me and like pretending to shoot me and telling me to stop pretending like i was misunderstood (I was depressed and having suicidal thoughts... at 12). Other things I remember is a teacher calling me fat (made me feel a bit bad...) as a joke and my teacher sending me to a class for trouble children with bad grades (even thought I told her I got a bad grade on the exam because no one told me that we had an exam so I couldn't read for it. I was sick when they said we had one btw in school which is why I didnt know) and even thought I clearly didn't belong to that class since the other people seemed to actually not be able to get good grades, i started trying in school just a bit so they would see my grades are good and get me out of that class since I felt bad being there because the others made fun of me because of that too. The teacher there was an ass who constantly spoke to me and the others like we were braindead and i genuinely hated her. It was clear I didnt belong there but they just kept me there the rest of the year. I started sleeping like only 3 hours a night since I was 11 until highschool ended because I didn't want the next day to begin. I just stayed up all night playing games and doing other stuff. Pretty much always other than vacations and weekends I slept like 3-5 hours only. I think that made my grades even worse and I don't remember much from some years of my life where I slept the least im assuming because of the lack of sleep? Or depression idk.
Anyhow things stayed like this. I felt extremely bad and had no motivation but I just kept on living my life. Later on when I went to middleschool at 13 years old I found for the first time some friends. I felt somewhat better, like I belonged for the first time in my life. My depression went away somewhat. Other things stayed the same thought my family still acted the way they always did. Still with my friends I felt like I was okay. I forgot about how bad my life had been a few years. I still had a challenge getting that close to anyone and didnt have self confidence and didnt feel outright happy but I was somewhat okay. I remember at the middle of middle school I got depressed again. I didn't remember that it was a feeling I had always had the past few years because back then I was so out of it. I remember just feeling like there was a void in my heart like to the point it physically hurt every now and then. I guess I realized that more than half of the middle school was over and I knew my friends would leave me behind when it's over since I had a hard time getting too close to them. And that's what brought the depression. I remember some months after since I still felt depressed telling my mother I was depressed and she just kept on working and saying in a monotone voice that "oh really? that means you have to go to therapy". And it scared me I didnt know what that would be like so I just said never mind and walked back to my room. Anyways middle school ended none of my friends stayed in contact I got super depressed. Because of my lack of good grades other than the last half few months which is the only time period where I tried and got very good grades, my overall average in middle school almost prevented me from getting to high school. I remember my dad just saying that "sorry I guess you tried your best it wasn't enough" something along those lines. Like wtf I didnt try my best I was depressed and slept 3 hours and didnt study at all so I could spent all my time with videogames and my few friends so I could feel a little bit of happiness in my life. I didn't have the fucking motivation to study at all... Anyhow I got to highschool.
So highschool was the worst. But honestly im getting tired of writing. I had THOSE bad thoughts again, we have to go to army when we get out of highschool in my country so that scared the hell out of me, I didn't focus on school was bullied, family was just causing problems. No wait I do want to write a couple things here. When I was 17 i developed bad OCD. I didnt go out of my room anymore. I didnt want to touch anything that had been in my school and then anything that had touched those things I didnt want to touch either. Something called contamination OCD apparently? I spent at ages 17 to 18 probably 2-5 hours average daily on compulsions. I felt like a mindless puppet. I keep thinking how much better grades I'd have got if i spent that time on studying. Once my big brother really invaded my personal space and it upset me and made me so stressed because of OCD related stuff that I took a semi sharp object from my TV remote and slashed my leg a few times to a point that I still can see the scar. I also got angry and felt bad easily when I lost in a videogame or such and sometimes bit my hand in anger. My parents also wanted me to go to army instead of trying to not go there (theres a few alternatives). But at this point I stopped liking my family. So i knew I was not going to do that or what they want. I had dreamed since I was 15 of when I'd get to move away and never see these people...
Anyhow. Im 23 now. I worked through a lot of my issues. Not fat anymore. I go outside now. I sleep a normal amount. I exercise. My OCD i managed to best atleast to the point that im able to function mostly normally like I wouldn't even have it. Still depressed probably I don't remember what it felt like to feel to be honest so I don't know if I am depressed? Haven't had THOSE thoughts in many years. Haven't self harmed myself in years. Still have no friends because i have quite a bad social anxiety due to my life. Still thought for the first time in years... maybe since I was 11. I feel like my life is not going a steep downhill. I feel like it's getting better actually. And i've felt like that some time as of writing this as I began to fix my life and my issues.
The most annoying thing is... it's been so many years. My life has changed so much. The family I have im still in ties with to some amount even though I'd like to not be. They dont seem bad now? That bad? But I still want to get away from them completely and never see them. I just FEEL like I need to do that. But I dont know if they even were that bad. That's what I want to know here. Is my family normal. Is there something wrong with me and I imagine they are bad? I might end up deleting this post and my account. This is just a throwaway. I just want to know. I need outside input. I've been so alone that I never had that. I need to know if im imagining that I had a bad life or if it was not normal. I literally feel like I cant view my past objectively because I can't remember much. There were happy memories too in my childhood. A lot of them. Atleast some years of it. Im just picking the bad examples. I managed to enjoy some of my time back then. I just cant realize whether theres something wrong with other people especially my family and the bad people in school or if im the problem. If you actually read this, anyone, thank you. You probably know more about my life and existance than anyone else other than me since I've spent so much of my life alone.

If you have questions feel free to ask 😊
So I'll preface this with I don't want to engage in political debates about Taiwan, mainland China and Hong Kong/Macau. I am treating them as seperate only because they have different visa requirements. I have my own views on the matter but my opinion doesn't matter.
So I am a 27M white european and this was my experience. 5th time solo.
Taiwan (14days) Taipei - north coast - Puli/sun moons lake - Tianan - kaohsiung - Yuli - hualien (taroko gorge)
Opinion Taiwan is incredibly beautiful, the level of English in the north especially is very high. Most people will be able to speak a few words which makes travel around easy. The highlights for me were Taipei/sun moon lake/taroko gorge.
You'll want to get an easy card for general travel. This can be picked up at the airport and reloaded at any station.
The food, like the rest is quite limited in either being big American brands like McDonald's or local noodle shops. If you have dietary requirements please have these translated and saved on your phone beforehand. As a vegetarian I found that people would often just give me fish regardless of how persistent I was. This was common throughout.
The people are very respectful and friendly, but unless you get someone who wants to have a conversation you're interaction will be very surface level. They are happy to just let foreigners be alone.
I would highly recommend anyone who wants to try this culture to go via Taiwan as it is a much more gentle introduction.
Things to be wary of Getting around by walking is quite frankly a nightmare. Every pavement outside of Taipei is covered in bikes and if you are disabled this will be a serious issue without a car.
Everything is ticketed so be sure to carry cash. You can use the easy card but cash is just much simpler for attractions.
There are multiple different train types and they enforce ticketing strictly. The local train can use the easy card as well as the metro. Regional trains are more fancy and require a purchased ticket. Highspeed is treated similarly to flying and you should show up 30minutes before to ensure you get there in time.
Hong Kong/Macau (4days)
Hong Kong city - main island - Macau
Opinion Honestly I was disappointed, Hong Kong just felt very boring in comparison to Taipei. It's very multicultural and due to this I found it hard to see a unique identity for Hong Kong. Macau felt unique but just a bit irrelevant.
The highlight was certainly the hike up Victoria peak and watching the city move in seclusion. When I got to the top people were camping there I had never been so jealous. It's truly an amazing view. Be sure to go past the mall and take the small mountain path. It's well lit and fairly easy incline if you are in relatively good fitness.
Mainland china (48 days) Guangzhou - hengyang - Changsha - Zhangjiajie - Chongqing - Emei Shan - Chengdu - Xian - huashan - luoyang - pingyao - Datong - erlian (visa reset) - Nanjing - Qingdao - Jinan - Beijing
The main part to my trip, there's no pretending. China is difficult. Mostly because of the restrictions and the unwillingness of china to accommodate for foreigners. You need WeChat, you need trip.com and you need to use A map. The people do not speak English. I would go days or weeks without haveing a real conversation. I was often cut off from the outside world due to my VPN struggling to get past the firewall. (Surfshark)
If the above scares you avoid china for any long trips. If like me you see a challenge then you will adore china. It's frustrating, but I've never been in a country that gave me the same kind of highs. The mountains of Huashan rival the dolomites and they are much more accessable for everyone.
This is a large bonus for China, once you adapt everything is very easy to do. And nothing feels off limits. Except that sectioned off my armed police. China is so safe I never once felt in danger of theft or being attacked which I can't say about my own home. There is a reason for this. Anyone who breaks the law will be delt with due to the survalance.
The negatives Be prepared to take a lot of screenshots to translate via WeChat. Menus, metro stations, hotel check in. Anytime you need information you need to translate it yourself. This gets exhausting.
People will stare at you, I always took this as curiosity. Especially in the west and south as there are very few foreigners. Many of the people are very racist however. The things said to me about black people, Japanese and Koreans genuinely upset me. But I want to experience and understand so I would listen. If you speak up in defence you are often ignored. It's ingrained sadly. And it makes me question how many felt similarly towards me.
Banned websites, pretty much all our sites are blocked. It makes it hard as your only option for a search engine is Bing. And who wants to use bing. A VPN is an option but can be spotty and it is illegal so becareful where you use this.
As someone from a country with 8million. There's just so many Chinese people for me to be comfortable with. Everything is packed. All the tourist sites are full. Metro full. Bus full. The worst case for me was the terracotta army which I visited on a normal day and it was hard to just walk around.
Getting searched going into any metro or trainstation. You basically have to go through airport security everytime. It's a real pain when you have a 15kg backpack.
The spitting, it's gross.
The pros China is so cheap, my hotel in Zhangjiajie for example was only 5€ a night. And it was a decent little double bed and bathroom, tv and toiletries supplied. Easy 70€ back home.
Food (for me when I got it) was incredible and very cheap. Average was about 15 yuan or 2€ a meal. Drinks are also very cheap 3yuan for a bottle of coke and 2yuan for a water.
The trains, man did the chinese build an excellent train network. You need to use WeChat or tripmcom to book these. But they are well priced and very efficient.
The apps, there's an app for everything. Want to read a menu? It's a WeChat app, metro line app! Book tickets for the summer palace app! Sometimes you'll need to look up the qr code in advance, especially around high tourist season.
Cashless, you can totally use cash. But you don't need to. If you have wifi or data which is cheap and easy to get (30days unlimited 150yuan China mobile) you just scan your WeChat Code and pay. Similar to contactless but not as convenient.
Overview China is a real solo travelers challenge I think, it's a great way to test how good you are at making split decisions. For short trips I recommend Nanjing, Chengdu, huashan, Chongqing and Zhangjiajie.
Conclusion. (Tldr) I will be going back to both Taiwan and mainland china. Both have got a hold on me. I'm hooked and I'm hoping to get you all hooked too. Taiwan is better if you want a chill holiday to explore Chinese culture. I recommend the north. Mainland is best for the experienced traveler as they will be able to get so much love from this unappreciated country. And my fellow Europeans take advantage of those visa free 15 days.
If you have any questions feel free to ask 😊

Q: Do UFOs exist?

A: Yes. The way humanity interprets the word 'fact' is for the observation to be independently verified by a community which often includes evidence and supporting material. For UFOs, multiple governments, agencies such as NASA and key scientist/astronaut/military personnel have independently affirmed the existence of UFOs. Famously multiple presidents of the US have been quoted to acknowledge them as well.
Note: Be wary, as with enough scrutiny almost any claim can be reduced and dissected to the point where almost any 'fact' can be questioned, UFOs are no different. Using the term 'fact' in a society of subjective sentient beings is a logical slippery slope. But we can certainly say, as far as the word and loose interpretation of the word 'fact' goes, it is a fact that UFO's exist.

Q: Do aliens exist?

A: Almost certainly, the majority of the scientific community agrees it would be astronomically unlikely for terrestrial life to exist in isolation. Despite significant observations of life living in seemingly impossible inhospitable environments on earth, critics rightfully question "if life is abundant, why have we not seen it yet".

Q: Are the UFOs we see due to alien visitation?

A: The strategy to answer questions which don't have scientific consensus is to logically consider it with the information we do have, making the fewest assumptions with the available facts. As with the case of the visitation hypothesis, we can consider many angles and reach a logically sound position.
Most of you know that out of a sample of 100 reported sightings, only a handful are truly anomalous, the vast majority being misreported as known origin. Of the handful left we can say these are anomalous genuine UAPs. Of these, we must first consider the least assumptions and first look to whether they are anomalous in nature, but human in origin.
Before we can do that we need to briefly discuss the credibility of witness testimony. Society places a significant credibility with witness testimony. People's lives can be judged based on the testimony of a witness, such as in the case of a murder trial. Indeed the vast majority of our entire scientific understanding is based on experimental data and whilst such data is often from instruments and computers there is often a human element. Ultimately a human witnesses the experiment and records the measurements and readings. Many things can affect the credibility of a witness testimony and of particular significance are independent witnesses reporting the same observation. As is the case with the scientific methodology and 'reproduced experiments'.
To Ufologists, a large component of lore and supplementary evidence to the existence of UAPs is built on witness testimony. We should consider events such as Rendlesham Forest where a sighting was reported by multiple expert, trained military personnel who are specifically trained in identifying even advanced aircraft and weather phenomena. A report based on multiple trained, sane personnel with consistent observations to the description of a UAP sighting is what we would call a water tight witness testimony. Such a testimony would be ruled true in any court for a petty crime or murder scandal for example.
However, on the topic of "NHI" our sample size of witness testimony is lower than the case for UAPs. The cases of multiple, credible witnesses coming forward with testimony for the case of NHI are less and I struggle to think of a good example. (Please drop any in the comments).
However, in the case of supposed NHI visitations we do have a colourful array of high ranking officials and representatives of military or government who have disclosed personally that they knew of NHI visitations.

• Robert Dean
• Paul Hellyer

In these cases the credibility is more individually focused on the trustworthiness of the person rather than a coherent multiple sighting event. We must consider such testimony carefully for there are many logical explanations for such testimony being false.
For example, David Grusch is a high profile contemporary whistle-blower who has claimed the existence of NHI. Using purely logic and removing any emotional or subjective intuition we can consider at least one likely explanation for his testimony. It's very possible that Grusch is operating as per a larger more convoluted Psy-Ops on behalf of the government. We know he is a very diligent patriot with a pristine record and presents as the perfect soldier to take one for the team and blow his career and personal circumstances to lie under oath and rattle off something he's been asked to say for some greater agenda to serve his country. Such agendas we can only speculate on, but domestic manipulation of the public as well as cold-war game theory plays against adversary countries such as China. Obviously such a hypothesis is fantastical and imaginative. But so is the NHI visitation hypothesis and a global conspiracy. For those versed in the US's history of Psy-ops, particularly in the case of the CIA and NSA - such an operation involving Grusch as a false agent is absolutely consistent with some of their previous endeavours.
Disclaimer: I am not disproving Grusch, my personal opinion is he is likely telling the truth. But I am allowed my personal opinion and my personal opinion is you cannot guarantee his legitimacy without the application of some element of faith. I have always been extremely careful whenever faith is introduced to objective deductions. I hope we all are. I don't operate with beliefs so I can't answer whether I believe in Grusch or not. But I can consider both sides as a matter of consistent statistical likelihood and it's much healthier for me to assume both possibilities going forward rather than feeling the very precarious and human desire to conclude. Again I hope this is something that is common practice amongst my peers.
So answering the question of NHI having operated the UAPs we know to exist is ongoing. So far we have explored the very likely idea that life exists outside the earth. We have also considered witness testimony and found that whilst witness testimony is credible in many scenarios, it's particularly problematic to be relied on in this case. Of course Grusch is not the only one who's claimed NHI visitations but our analysis on him is applicable to others.
There is good hope for the Alien hypothesis, but first more bad news. If we believe Grusch and similar witness testimony (in Grusch's case he's not a direct witness). We must also consider that these same witnesses also claim a US government UAP project. Depending on the witnesses and whistle-blower testimony, we either have a reverse engineering capacity of UAPs to even a downright working production of UAPs ourselves. So when we consider the handful of genuine anomalous sightings for every 100 reports, when we apply further statistical analysis, we now need to account for the likelihood such sighting (especially near air force bases or military facilities) may just be human operating UAP experiments.
Obviously we have a paradox "you can't refute the NHI origin hypothesis by saying they're humans, if humans only have the technology because we reverse engineered it" and that is true so let's be clear. Using statistics and logic we may say that a truly anomalous sighting may be humans operating craft. But we may also say that craft may have been inspired by a NHI origin.
So far the answer is skewed slightly towards the likelihood of the NHI hypothesis to be false. However there is a very compelling element to the facts that critics of the NHI hypothesis struggle with.
We have a very clear and comprehensive record of UAPs in history which predates a reasonable likelihood of us having the technology at that time. Obviously the endeavours of the ancient astronaut hypothesis is colourful, fantastical and well refuted. But amongst the popularly scrutinized theory there are strong elements of logical significance. Almost all religions and teachings of native indigenous people overwhelming talk of people coming from the sky in craft, appearing different in their looks, possessing knowledge and technology and interacting with early humans. Such stories are controversial of course but enough of them exist to merit consideration.
But much more relevant to us in this argument is the existence of the Project Bluebook and the incidents which inspired its necessity. For those that aren't aware it's common knowledge to Ufologists as the allied investigations into apparently very common UAP reports known as foo fighters observed by pilots during the word war.
Our logic tells us that if any global human power at the time had that capability we would have used it. The reason for that is because as soon as we had the atomic bomb capability we used that. It's absurd to assume that a human government was responsible for the UAPs in the bluebook but didn't use them, but would use an atom bomb. It's absurd but we must remember, history is littered with absurd events that did happen. So we don't rule it out, but it more or less provides a significant and compelling argument to the NHI hypothesis for UAPs. In simple terms, they existed before we could have created them. We deduce that, because if we had UAP tech we would have used it before needing to rely on atom bombs.
Ultimately if you want an answer it has two parts; a pragmatic answer and then a severe personal caveat.
Part one: Pragmatism

For any truly anomalous sighting, it very well may be of human origin dabbling in potential NHI tech. It also may be of NHI origin. We don't have clear enough evidence to know. Whilst US military officials claim they don't have the tech or that their adversaries don't, belief of that position requires faith as they do not provide a logical argument for their hypothesis. But if we look back at the sightings throughout history it becomes more and more likely the sightings were of NHI origin.

Part two: Caveat

My personal caveat is that some FAQ's shouldn't have conclusive answers. Our scientific method which underpins our most prestigious and rigorous institution of science in the world; does not always conclude. Sometimes a question has multiple likely answers and it will take more information to reduce those to one answer. I emphatically preach this is an attitude we employ as Ufologists as ultimately we are a community of speculators and researchers. So let's leave faith at the door.

Q: Why can supposed advanced beings master interdimensional/intergalactic space traversal but then crash land on earth like amateurs?

A: This question usually has a very loaded and dangerous assumption which I don't think we can make without careful consideration. The question implies that UFOs crash landing is as problematic to NHI as it would be to us. If a military pilot crashes a plane, they may die and as an asset they are worth hundreds of millions to the government, big loss. Additionally the plane they used is extremely expensive too and may have trade secrets. For us, a pilot crash landing is a huge net loss in life and assets. When we consider the idea of UAP crash landing we are applying our human bias on them.
Firstly, the UAP may be being operated by AI, biological artificial intelligence, pilotless etc. Even if there's a biologic body inside it's very possible the actual sentient pilot was operating the body remotely the same way we operate robots remotely. The biological body left behind may be like a robot we left on the moon which we used remotely to navigate the lunar landscape. Our operators don't die if the robot is broken.
Additionally, the craft itself is likely not a multi billion dollar craft. It's probably extremely cheaply made with the avenue of advanced technology. The 4chan whistle-blower (whether you believe them or not) introduced a logically sound idea that a craft was in the sea making purpose built UAPs all the time and sending them on missions. The "mother craft" just mines the materials it needs from our sea floor and pops out a UAP, it's probably entirely automated.
Little fiction here but it paints a story which is good to consider. Imagine a un manned probe lands in the sea after having identified using photo spectrometry that our planet has certain elements. It lands and the AI finds a spot in the sea away from detention and starts mining for a probe craft. It mines and creates a probe craft. The probe craft goes out and does some recon and then either makes new craft for whatever but eventually instigates a protocol which fires up the organic biological 'pilots' which are either artificial purpose built intelligence or biological vehicles operated by remote consciousness which a sentient life form will operate from afar. Then these guys go and crash whether it's a magnetic anomaly or something else and the NHI doesn't really care and are hardly inconvenienced.
It's possible to encapsulate or hide or lock the main functions of their technology upon crashing in the same way that our advanced technology may self destruct if crash landed in a foreign land. There's also speculation that some secret key is needed to operate them.
That is all fiction, but it paints a compelling alternative to us just projecting our bias on the crash hypothesis.
Remember, to a civilization that in theory has automated its outreach reconnaissance, the most pristine system design for their drones and vehicles isn't to somehow guarantee 100% crash proof technology. But instead it's to assume crashes will happen and make sure they're not damaging nor give away their tech too much.

Q: Can we simulate or 'fake' UFO's in the sky?

A: Yes to an extent. Using lasers we have technology to create lights that can move. However radar is another matter.

Q: Why haven't we had material evidence of UAP's released to the public?

A: Grusch has kind of answered this by saying that destabilisation factors are too great.
And for those interested, this post comprehensively considers this angle and attempts to explain in layman terms why disclosure is so complicated for a government and what those reasons mean.

Q: Is there an alternative to official disclosure and catastrophic disclosure?

A: Yes, I believe there's a route forward that a community such as this one can start making progress on. With the introduction to a pragmatic disclosure which has a simple goal; remove the 'valid' reasons that disclosure is being hidden and it will no longer be hidden.

I ended up buying a house at the edge of this town.... before i knew all the bullshit that was goin' on around here. Got bored and went down to the local sheriff Jack and asked about an opening, Didn't even fill out an application, got the job on the spot. For the first few months it was the usual, speeding tickets, drunk and disorderly, normal shit right? Well... let the fuckery commence....
I had been a deputy for 7 months when one of the local farmers called in and reported he had some animals killed last night and wanted someone to come out to his house. John Nixon was a 60 year old farmer who lived by himself. His wife passed away years ago, but he never remarried and they never had kids. We met one day at the local tackle shop. Me being new in town, he took me to some of the good fishin' spots. The man was a huge military history buff and would always ask about my time in. I thought I knew him personally, so i took the call.
As I rolled up to the gate on his property, I saw John standing at the gate with a shotgun. " Hey john, can I ask why you are standing there with that cannon in your hands?" No response, he just stared at me. "John! put that damn shotgun down!!" I yelled. Its like he snapped to out of a trance. "Mason, i need you to come round the back side of the house to the barn, now!" he snapped.
"OK, OK, let me get outta the car and grab some gear." I said opening the car door. While i was grabbing my gear, John was standing there with his eyes scanning the tree line. "Come on mason! you need to see this!" He said heading towards the back. I closed the trunk and started walking over in his direction.
"So what the hell is going on that's got you walking around here with that damn bazooka?" No response, he just keeps walking and scanning the tree line. We finally got to the back of his house where the barn is. It looked like a horror movie in that pen.
"What the fuck happened here!?!" I said covering my mouth. There were pieces of chickens and goats everywhere, a few pigs looked like they had been filleted. "Its back mason, after all these years" John mumbled. "John what the hell are you talking about? what did this?" I asked.
John took his eyes off the tree line and looked me dead in the face. "Your not from here so you dont know." "Know what man? what are you saying?" I asked getting annoyed now. "Years ago this same thing happened to a few guys I know. All of their livestock had been killed. Not killed and eatin', just killed. It got people 'round here up in arms. Well, a few of us got together and decieded we were gonna look for whatever did it" he said. "What the hell are you telling me john?" I interrupted. "There were four of us. We were young, thought we were bullet proof. We went out into the woods one morning, determined to find the damn thing that had been killing our animals.
Tommy was the first to say something. "Hey, did you guys hear that?". The rest of us didnt hear a thing, so we kept moving. We got about three miles deep into the old pine forest at the edge of town. Will was the next to say something, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" he yelled out while looking down at the mud. We ran over to where he was standing to find him wide eyed. "I dont know what the actual fuck did this, but we..we need to go and I mean right fucking now!!!" he said pointing. This track was huge, at least 14 inches long with huge claws. Gerald spoke up "Let's fuckin' go guys!!".
We started back tracking out of the area, when we were stopped cold in our tracks, we all heard it this time. It was coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same damn time. A sickening, shrieking laugh was coming from all around us. We panicked and starting runnin'. As soon as we did that, whatever was making that noise centered as if right behind us, and it was coming fast, ungodly fast" John said eyeing the remains of a chicken that was torn apart.
"We were about a mile from the trucks when I heard a thud and a scream, when i looked back Gerald wasn't there. Will and tommy were right behind me, terror all over their faces. Tommy pulled his pistol and started shooting backwards. Only one shot rang out before something tackled him and Will. I stopped, raising my rifle, but they had already been torn apart. It was seconds, and they were in shreds" John said.
"Mason, what i saw standing over their shredded bodies has haunted me since then. The fucking thing was nine feet tall, shaped like a man, but not. Its skin, or or scales was a mixture of black and grey and it looked slimy. It looked like a damn bodybuilder with hugh claw like hands. Its head was massive, with what looked like horns coming from the jaw to around the chin. Its eyes, glowed bright green in the middle of the fucking day, and it had a mouth full of fucked up jagged teeth." He said lowering his head.
"I jus.. just stood there, waitng for my turn. This thing paced back and fourth, staring at me, with this creepy damn smile. It looked down at Will and Tommy, then it looked back up at me. My heart almost stopped when it pointed and shook its head at me. It started making that shrieking laugh as it grabbed what was left of my friends in each giant claw and walked off into the woods, still fucking laughing. I fell to my knees as it vanished into the trees."
I stood there, thinking he lost his damn mind. John had stopped talking, he had this way off look in his eyes. "John..., john.., JOHN!!" his eyes snapped back to mine. "So what are you telling me? A nine foot creature with claws killed your friends and animals?!" I half mocked. "Yea.... thats what i'm telling you. Its back for me, i know it." "What makes you think it was this thing you say killed your friends? It could have been coyotes" I asked " I know mason, i heard that same horrible shrieking laugh in the woods behind the barn last night."
Now I’ve heard some real bullshit in my time, especially during my time in the contracting field... But this was the most out there shit I had ever heard.
"Alright, alright... let's just take a big ass step backwards. I need to wrap my head around all of this." I said takin a deep breath. John laid the shotgun down to his side. "I'm telling you the truth mason. i'm too old and tired to lie about shit" he said shrugging. I looked deep into this man’s eyes. When I did, I saw something that told me this was the absolute truth as he knew it. " You haven’t given me any reason to doubt you... but fuck man... this is hard to swallow. I need proof John, that's the way this works." A look of frustration washed over his weathered face.
"Proof?! you want proof huh? follow me" John groaned.
He started walking towards the tress behind the barn. As we got closer to the trees, I started to smell rusty copper. Blood I thought out loud. John raised his shotgun as we walked closer. That damn gun had to be illegal, but this wasn’t the time for that. Him raising that gun made me a lil' uneasy, so I pulled my Glock 9mm out and flipped the safety off.
John owned about 90 acres, most of it unkept. A lot of the land was behind the barn which butted up to a state forest. We took about 12 steps into the wood line when the smell of death hit me like a brick. "I'm taking you to where I heard the noise coming from last night... your PROOF is out there Mason" He said with a slight edge to it.
We walked almost a hundred yards into the woods when john stopped in front of a tree. It looked twisted and warped all the way to its top. I stepped around John and saw huge claw marks cut deep all the way around the base of the tree, it's hard to even call it that. "What the hell is this?" I said looking up. "This is a marker, it's territory starts here" John replied. I looked at john like he was crazy, which at this point I thought he was. "This thing travels throughout these woods. I've found five more of these trees in our town" he said putting a hand on the tree.
"This isn’t telling me anything John, just that you've got a weird ass tree on your property" I said back to him. "Do you hear that?" So we could move this mess forward, I stopped talking and just listened. I hadn't noticed that during our walk into the woods it had got quiet, and I mean not one sound. " What the hell? where did all the animals go?" I asked looking around. "They're scared mason... you should be too. Let's get back to the house."
We turned and started making our way out of the woods. We were damn near the tree line when I heard a snap. I turned around, gun raised to see a black streak dart back deeper into the woods. "What the fuck was that?!" All John said was "we need to leave, now!" We turned and started sprinting the rest of the way out of the woods. I was surprised at how fast john was for an old man. We got all the way back to my patrol car. "I don't know what that was, but I don't think you should stay here tonight John. Pack some stuff and come to my place" I said pointing my gun at the trees. John just let out a sigh as if frustrated and defeated.
"You weren't listenin'. The pine forest, these trees, it’s all connected. I’m talkin’ bout before this area was even inhabited by native peoples. This fucking thing has been around for a very long time. I have been looking into this since that day, I had to find out what it was and if it can be killed" he tried to explain. The whole time john was talking I had my eyes and weapon pointed at the trees. " You can put that down mason, it just wanted you to know it's here" He said.
"John, I to need process this shit. I've never seen or heard anything like this and to be straight with you, I’m at a loss right now" I said opening the trunk. "I get it, I get it. The sheriff jack was a deputy back then. When you see him... tell him I said the dark is here..." And with that, he just turned his back and walked back into his house not saying another word.
I got back in the car and sat there. Looking at the treeline. After a few minutes I went back to the station. I must've walked in with that universal what the fuck look on my face, because Cathy the clerk asked what was wrong with me. I told her I was fine and asked if she had seen the sheriff? "Yeah, he is in the gun cage. Are you sure you’re ok Mason?" She asked again.
"Yeah, I'm good, just need to talk to Jack." I started walking towards the back of the building, when Jack came around the corner. "Hey mason, what's up?" he says walking up to me. "I just got back from John's house." The look on his face completely changed. "He had a bunch of animals killed last night. It looked like a slaughterhouse. He told me to tell you the dark was back?" I told him noticing his reaction.
Jack stiffened up and not saying a word gestured for me to follow him towards the back security door. We headed towards the back and out the door. Jack had stopped to make sure the door was secure then pointed at his truck and said "get in."
After getting in he looked over "I need some coffee" then started the truck up and headed west out of the parking lot towards the coffee shop. He ordered a large black coffee with extra sugar then asked if I wanted one. "I'll take a small black, no sugar." We pulled out and headed east back past the station. We ended up driving towards the edge of the county. "What's going on and why are we heading way the hell out here?" I looked at jack and said.
Jack just took a long sip of his coffee then placed it back in the holder.
After a long breath "You want some answers about what happened at Johns' house... I’m sure he told you about a few other things about this town... well we're gonna go get you some answers" He said looking at a black sedan passing in the opposite direction. "Aight so, like you mason, I’m not from here either. I was a trooper in New York for a few years before I came down here. I resigned after a call to an old couple’s house" He said reaching for his cup. "My partner Jake and I responded to what was thought to be an animal attack. We were the first on the scene, having been a couple miles away lookin' for speeders.
When we rolled up an older woman came running over to the cruiser. She had a panicked look on her face and just kept repeating "they're dead, they're dead!!" We hopped out and sat her in the back of the car then asked what happened. "I...I... came over to talk to gloria and... and I saw the door open. I walked in yelling her and Alan’s name, but they didn't answer... I found them upstairs... it's horrible!!" She said sobbing. Jake and I drew our weapons and started making the move inside. Like the witness said the front door was open, so we moved in. It smelled like sulfur and blood when we entered. We started clearing rooms. The first floor was clear, so we made our way up the steps.
The smell was overpowering now. We cleared the bathroom, and the two smaller rooms were clear also. The door to the master bedroom was slightly opened. I motioned to Jake and we hit the door.... it looked like some movie shit!! I kid you not. Jake turned and went back into the hallway and threw up. I stepped into the room and... listen I had never seen anything like this before" Jack stammered out.
"These two people were in shreds on the bed, they're insides had been yanked out and thrown around the fucking room. After looking at the bodies I noticed these huge claw marks in the wall, I’m talking if Andre the giant had had a Krueger glove. I stepped back out of the room and radioed to dispatch that we needed more units. I walked back to the front door where Jake was standing hunched over looking out of it.
Parked outside were 3 black SUVs and a black sedan. I counted 11 men dressed in black tactical military gear, some with a type of rifle I had never seen before, but you could tell it was large caliber. The rest with SMG weapons. When i looked over towards the patrol car, one of the men had the door opened and was talking to the witness. He saw us and started our way. He was dressed in all black too and carried what looked like a desert eagle in a chest holster.
When he got closer I got a better look at him. He looked to be in his late 40's with salt and pepper colored hair and a big ass scar that ran down the right side of his face. He got about ten feet from the steps "We appreciate the assistance, but you are no longer needed" He said in deep voice. As he is saying this, one of the other guys escorts the witness out of our car and into the back of that sedan.
The guy started walking away from us "Who are you? and what the fuck is going on?" I yelled at him. He turned with a look on his face that you only see in movies then took a few steps towards us. "Your command has been informed and you are to leave now!" He said raising his hand up towards that holstered pistol. Jake looked at me and shook his head "fuck it, let's go, let them deal with that mess upstairs" he said still coughing then started heading towards the car. I followed him down the steps... looking this guy up and down, checking out the vehicles... for anything that might tell me who we were dealing with.
The only thing I saw was on the assholes uniform... there was a patch on his shoulder. It was an all-black diamond with a weird looking black M in the middle on it. The guy stared us down until we were in the car driving away. He had that pistol in his hand and the other men starting moving into the house. Jake and I didn’t say a word until the radio squawked and we were told to head back to the barracks.
When we got there, we were told to report to the troop commander’s office. Commander Thompson was sitting in his office along with a man in a nice 2-piece suit. The man in the suit stood there quietly while Thompson told us that we never responded to any call out to that farmhouse, and that this was the first and only time he would say it. With that, he dismissed us and and we walked out. The shit didn’t sit well with me, and I ended up resigning a few months later.
I came down here and then that shit in the woods happened. I was on the scene, I saw the claw marks. They looked just like the ones in New York, and the same damn trucks showed up with different personnel. I knew just to shut up and walk away, and after making that choice I have had a pretty good career here." he finished grabbing his cup out of the holder.
My brain was in overdrive. I was just about to completely question bomb jack when he said, "We're here." He pulled off onto this overgrown driveway and drove for about a quarter mile. We pulled up to an old two-story house that looked like it was in ruins... but the lights were on. "Where the hell are we?" I asked As the last word of that question left my mouth, the front door of the house opened... standing in the doorway was a old man, dressed in weathered black clothing. Jack leaned over to me "You wanted answers... well.... there they are."

Ok to be clear, this post is meant to be kind of informative.
I was an unreal player before anyway, but a very shit placement based one, I can crank and fight, just can't hit shots like others, maybe connection/frame disadvantage or I am just probably really bad idk.
I grew tired and felt like (some) people (not everyone but more than you think) hit ridiculous shots that they shouldn't be able to so I set out to prove it.
I made an alt Epic account for an alt Fortnite account I got in contact with a private seller over discord who basically had an option of cheats that 'not many other players have this'. So I paid, a monthly subscription that provides updates (I had 2 over the 3 months).
It basically was an aimbot, it works like it gives more forgiveness if my shots are not exactly on them for hitmarkers, gave me a wider target area to shoot at basically which for me personally with a very low to mid connection and bad framerate always behind made a significant difference, idk how it'll work for those with 240/360fps, I mainly ran around with the low aimbot setting as to not get caught, I turned it up once and it was clearly over the top and suspicious.
There were other options to buy stuff like see people's health/shield bars and wall hacks, some build cheats as well as custom aimbot for certain weapons but I didn't pay for any of that so I cannot comment of their effectiveness.
Basically 3 months I've played on the account and still haven't been banned, I play more pubs than ranked, kinda stopped at unreal so maybe that's why it hasn't been detected idk? but it pub stomps most games.
The only downside is I have to run the game in Windowed mode for it to work. Make of this what you will, but the game seems to have a real lack of competitive integrity and you can easily get away with it. I think the game has a real problem. I've heard from people bragging they been cheating over a year and not been banned and stuff, idk how accurate that is, but I am curious to hear from people.

I think to me what's most disheartening about this Quagmire of a situation is that most people are just aligning with their historical patterns of political/religious/racial/national identities and biases.
Which is not surprising because I just basically described the entire history of the human race and how we generally lean one way or another when it comes to conflicts and beliefs.
I think you know true impartiality is pretty much impossible and that's probably a whole super long discussion about how we even arrive at truth and reality and what pushes us in different directions.
I just it really makes you very depressed and forelorned at times just to see most people reacting as you would expect.
Like most of my social media friend circles are Lefty anarchist types and they pretty much are like fully on board free Palestine movements and busting out the watermelon emojis and all the all these kinds of things which to me is like the the 2024 version of the BLM black/blank profile support solidarity thing.
Of course now that you read that last paragraph you probably already thinking oh this guy is already revealing his cards of where he stands.
Basically my position is leaning pro Israel pro peace pro equilibrium pro stability in the region. This is a departure from my long held leanings of free Palestine because of all of my radical backgrounds and volunteering for things like food not bombs and all this sorts of things in Portland.
I basically am leaning this way and open to shifting of course at any time given new information and new insights, but the two main sticking points for me are what follows:
1.) Wary of the regressive left element within the free Palestine movement that is and on par for the course given the conflict. What worries me is the toxic othering prejudice and often scary anti-Semitic rhetoric coming out because of this. The narrative of the support for the "brown Arab oppressed people versus the white facing European ancestry colonizer Jewish people Israelis". It's alarming.
2.) Wary of extremist radical Islam jihadist intifada sentiments messaging and direct calls to eradicate and harm a people group and a nation. This last point I think doesn't get enough airtime in some circles and this is nothing new and has been a concern of mine for many years, and is often maybe overlooked or people are afraid to bring it up even because it looks like it's bigoted or racist or whatever. But to me it seems like this is why we are in this position most assuredly. You swap out Hamas with some other Hardline Fringe religious group and I don't think you get the same results. There is something uniquely dangerous about a religious Fringe element that promotes martyrdom and jihadism. Ain't nobody ever had issues with Buddhist extremists on this level. Or even Christian extremists on this kind of level, although there have been pockets of hate and othering of course from almost every group of people/ideology in our sordid human history.
Like even I've been trying to track just in the comment sections of let's say various kinds of YouTube videos from all different perspectives and I keep coming back to this weird unsettling feeling when I see a lot of pro Islamic things and from accounts that seem like they come from an Arab origin. Like I just don't know if you can reach common cause and common ground with that sort of extremist ideology, it seems pretty baked in on a deep level. And that's the the real issue in many ways because religious fundamentalism just breathes a kind of lack of discourse and lack of understanding because you can just refer to your book and what all the people around you are saying and shut down your critical thinking skills.
I think a case example of someone like Salman Rushdie.
Dude wrote a book in the late '80s and he got a fatwa set against him...(Which speaking of that it was hilariously satirized in Curb, I'm surprised Larry David also doesn't have a Target on his back at this point).
Then apparently the state sponsored assassins were called off in the late 90s and Rushdie return to some kind of normalcy and interacting with the world.
But then last year he was stabbed on stage at a talk in Chataqua New York, and was almost killed. He actually lost his eye as a result. And the use of his hand.
And as you can imagine the guy who stabbed him wasn't just a random crazy person.. he had Islamic background. He's a Shi'ite Muslim from New Jersey, just 24 years old. Gen Z generation of extremist.
Put another way.. what is the percentage or total number of folks that have a Islamic Arab Middle eastern background that are actually pro Israel?
And then along the same lines how many folks with a Jewish background or connections are actually pro Palestine?
Cuz to me one is not like the other in this regard, and my hypothesis is that the Muslim Arab tribalist group would skew predominantly one way that I think we all can assume is for the free Palestine movement.
Whereas I think the Jewish Community has definitely some elements within it that is more peaceful negotiation and not so caught up in their religiously motivated perspective. This could be because you know maybe a lot of the Jewish Community is leaning more secular or they come from Western countries and all this sort of thing but like I just I don't think people are realizing the fundamentalists difference here in the factions.
I guess my question is how many people have switched historical sides over this conflict right now in the spring of 2024?
Is there something from either side that made you go oh man I need to reevaluate my whole position on this and lean one way or the other?
Or even when I think what is probably more profound and supportive of the general conflict would be to be also aimed at a third way out above The fray if that's even possible. because a third way out often makes me feel like I just need to stay out all together and let people that have a much better idea of what's going on engage.
That last part is really key I think because all these folks are throwing in their positions when they may only have an understanding of like 5% of this thousands of year old conflict. The more I dig into it and ask questions and talk to people the more I feel even more lost and it seems like an unwinnable and unknowable thing.
🙏🕊️🙏

The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳

Part 1
I ended up buying a house at the edge of this town.... before i knew all the bullshit that was goin' on around here. Got bored and went down to the local sheriff Jack and asked about an opening, Didn't even fill out an application, got the job on the spot. For the first few months it was the usual, speeding tickets, drunk and disorderly, normal shit right? Well... let the fuckery commence....
I had been a deputy for 7 months when one of the local farmers called in and reported he had some animals killed last night and wanted someone to come out to his house. John Nixon was a 60 year old farmer who lived by himself. His wife passed away years ago, but he never remarried and they never had kids. We met one day at the local tackle shop. Me being new in town, he took me to some of the good fishin' spots. The man was a huge military history buff and would always ask about my time in. I thought I knew him personally, so i took the call.
As I rolled up to the gate on his property, I saw John standing at the gate with a shotgun. " Hey john, can I ask why you are standing there with that cannon in your hands?" No response, he just stared at me. "John! put that damn shotgun down!!" I yelled. Its like he snapped to out of a trance. "Mason, i need you to come round the back side of the house to the barn, now!" he snapped.
"OK, OK, let me get outta the car and grab some gear." I said opening the car door. While i was grabbing my gear, John was standing there with his eyes scanning the tree line. "Come on mason! you need to see this!" He said heading towards the back. I closed the trunk and started walking over in his direction.
"So what the hell is going on that's got you walking around here with that damn bazooka?" No response, he just keeps walking and scanning the tree line. We finally got to the back of his house where the barn is. It looked like a horror movie in that pen.
"What the fuck happened here!?!" I said covering my mouth. There were pieces of chickens and goats everywhere, a few pigs looked like they had been filleted. "Its back mason, after all these years" John mumbled. "John what the hell are you talking about? what did this?" I asked.
John took his eyes off the tree line and looked me dead in the face. "Your not from here so you dont know." "Know what man? what are you saying?" I asked getting annoyed now. "Years ago this same thing happened to a few guys I know. All of their livestock had been killed. Not killed and eatin', just killed. It got people 'round here up in arms. Well, a few of us got together and decieded we were gonna look for whatever did it" he said. "What the hell are you telling me john?" I interrupted. "There were four of us. We were young, thought we were bullet proof. We went out into the woods one morning, determined to find the damn thing that had been killing our animals.
Tommy was the first to say something. "Hey, did you guys hear that?". The rest of us didnt hear a thing, so we kept moving. We got about three miles deep into the old pine forest at the edge of town. Will was the next to say something, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" he yelled out while looking down at the mud. We ran over to where he was standing to find him wide eyed. "I dont know what the actual fuck did this, but we..we need to go and I mean right fucking now!!!" he said pointing. This track was huge, at least 14 inches long with huge claws. Gerald spoke up "Let's fuckin' go guys!!".
We started back tracking out of the area, when we were stopped cold in our tracks, we all heard it this time. It was coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same damn time. A sickening, shrieking laugh was coming from all around us. We panicked and starting runnin'. As soon as we did that, whatever was making that noise centered as if right behind us, and it was coming fast, ungodly fast" John said eyeing the remains of a chicken that was torn apart.
"We were about a mile from the trucks when I heard a thud and a scream, when i looked back Gerald wasn't there. Will and tommy were right behind me, terror all over their faces. Tommy pulled his pistol and started shooting backwards. Only one shot rang out before something tackled him and Will. I stopped, raising my rifle, but they had already been torn apart. It was seconds, and they were in shreds" John said.
"Mason, what i saw standing over their shredded bodies has haunted me since then. The fucking thing was nine feet tall, shaped like a man, but not. Its skin, or or scales was a mixture of black and grey and it looked slimy. It looked like a damn bodybuilder with hugh claw like hands. Its head was massive, with what looked like horns coming from the jaw to around the chin. Its eyes, glowed bright green in the middle of the fucking day, and it had a mouth full of fucked up jagged teeth." He said lowering his head.
"I jus.. just stood there, waitng for my turn. This thing paced back and fourth, staring at me, with this creepy damn smile. It looked down at Will and Tommy, then it looked back up at me. My heart almost stopped when it pointed and shook its head at me. It started making that shrieking laugh as it grabbed what was left of my friends in each giant claw and walked off into the woods, still fucking laughing. I fell to my knees as it vanished into the trees."
I stood there, thinking he lost his damn mind. John had stopped talking, he had this way off look in his eyes. "John..., john.., JOHN!!" his eyes snapped back to mine. "So what are you telling me? A nine foot creature with claws killed your friends and animals?!" I half mocked. "Yea.... thats what i'm telling you. Its back for me, i know it." "What makes you think it was this thing you say killed your friends? It could have been coyotes" I asked " I know mason, i heard that same horrible shrieking laugh in the woods behind the barn last night."
Now I’ve heard some real bullshit in my time, especially during my time in the contracting field... But this was the most out there shit I had ever heard.
"Alright, alright... let's just take a big ass step backwards. I need to wrap my head around all of this." I said takin a deep breath. John laid the shotgun down to his side. "I'm telling you the truth mason. i'm too old and tired to lie about shit" he said shrugging. I looked deep into this man’s eyes. When I did, I saw something that told me this was the absolute truth as he knew it. " You haven’t given me any reason to doubt you... but fuck man... this is hard to swallow. I need proof John, that's the way this works." A look of frustration washed over his weathered face.
"Proof?! you want proof huh? follow me" John groaned.
He started walking towards the tress behind the barn. As we got closer to the trees, I started to smell rusty copper. Blood I thought out loud. John raised his shotgun as we walked closer. That damn gun had to be illegal, but this wasn’t the time for that. Him raising that gun made me a lil' uneasy, so I pulled my Glock 9mm out and flipped the safety off.
John owned about 90 acres, most of it unkept. A lot of the land was behind the barn which butted up to a state forest. We took about 12 steps into the wood line when the smell of death hit me like a brick. "I'm taking you to where I heard the noise coming from last night... your PROOF is out there Mason" He said with a slight edge to it.
We walked almost a hundred yards into the woods when john stopped in front of a tree. It looked twisted and warped all the way to its top. I stepped around John and saw huge claw marks cut deep all the way around the base of the tree, it's hard to even call it that. "What the hell is this?" I said looking up. "This is a marker, it's territory starts here" John replied. I looked at john like he was crazy, which at this point I thought he was. "This thing travels throughout these woods. I've found five more of these trees in our town" he said putting a hand on the tree.
"This isn’t telling me anything John, just that you've got a weird ass tree on your property" I said back to him. "Do you hear that?" So we could move this mess forward, I stopped talking and just listened. I hadn't noticed that during our walk into the woods it had got quiet, and I mean not one sound. " What the hell? where did all the animals go?" I asked looking around. "They're scared mason... you should be too. Let's get back to the house."
We turned and started making our way out of the woods. We were damn near the tree line when I heard a snap. I turned around, gun raised to see a black streak dart back deeper into the woods. "What the fuck was that?!" All John said was "we need to leave, now!" We turned and started sprinting the rest of the way out of the woods. I was surprised at how fast john was for an old man. We got all the way back to my patrol car. "I don't know what that was, but I don't think you should stay here tonight John. Pack some stuff and come to my place" I said pointing my gun at the trees. John just let out a sigh as if frustrated and defeated.
"You weren't listenin'. The pine forest, these trees, it’s all connected. I’m talkin’ bout before this area was even inhabited by native peoples. This fucking thing has been around for a very long time. I have been looking into this since that day, I had to find out what it was and if it can be killed" he tried to explain. The whole time john was talking I had my eyes and weapon pointed at the trees. " You can put that down mason, it just wanted you to know it's here" He said.
"John, I to need process this shit. I've never seen or heard anything like this and to be straight with you, I’m at a loss right now" I said opening the trunk. "I get it, I get it. The sheriff jack was a deputy back then. When you see him... tell him I said the dark is here..." And with that, he just turned his back and walked back into his house not saying another word.
I got back in the car and sat there. Looking at the treeline. After a few minutes I went back to the station. I must've walked in with that universal what the fuck look on my face, because Cathy the clerk asked what was wrong with me. I told her I was fine and asked if she had seen the sheriff? "Yeah, he is in the gun cage. Are you sure you’re ok Mason?" She asked again.
"Yeah, I'm good, just need to talk to Jack." I started walking towards the back of the building, when Jack came around the corner. "Hey mason, what's up?" he says walking up to me. "I just got back from John's house." The look on his face completely changed. "He had a bunch of animals killed last night. It looked like a slaughterhouse. He told me to tell you the dark was back?" I told him noticing his reaction.
Jack stiffened up and not saying a word gestured for me to follow him towards the back security door. We headed towards the back and out the door. Jack had stopped to make sure the door was secure then pointed at his truck and said "get in."
After getting in he looked over "I need some coffee" then started the truck up and headed west out of the parking lot towards the coffee shop. He ordered a large black coffee with extra sugar then asked if I wanted one. "I'll take a small black, no sugar." We pulled out and headed east back past the station. We ended up driving towards the edge of the county. "What's going on and why are we heading way the hell out here?" I looked at jack and said.
Jack just took a long sip of his coffee then placed it back in the holder.
After a long breath "You want some answers about what happened at Johns' house... I’m sure he told you about a few other things about this town... well we're gonna go get you some answers" He said looking at a black sedan passing in the opposite direction. "Aight so, like you mason, I’m not from here either. I was a trooper in New York for a few years before I came down here. I resigned after a call to an old couple’s house" He said reaching for his cup. "My partner Jake and I responded to what was thought to be an animal attack. We were the first on the scene, having been a couple miles away lookin' for speeders.
When we rolled up an older woman came running over to the cruiser. She had a panicked look on her face and just kept repeating "they're dead, they're dead!!" We hopped out and sat her in the back of the car then asked what happened. "I...I... came over to talk to gloria and... and I saw the door open. I walked in yelling her and Alan’s name, but they didn't answer... I found them upstairs... it's horrible!!" She said sobbing. Jake and I drew our weapons and started making the move inside. Like the witness said the front door was open, so we moved in. It smelled like sulfur and blood when we entered. We started clearing rooms. The first floor was clear, so we made our way up the steps.
The smell was overpowering now. We cleared the bathroom, and the two smaller rooms were clear also. The door to the master bedroom was slightly opened. I motioned to Jake and we hit the door.... it looked like some movie shit!! I kid you not. Jake turned and went back into the hallway and threw up. I stepped into the room and... listen I had never seen anything like this before" Jack stammered out.
"These two people were in shreds on the bed, they're insides had been yanked out and thrown around the fucking room. After looking at the bodies I noticed these huge claw marks in the wall, I’m talking if Andre the giant had had a Krueger glove. I stepped back out of the room and radioed to dispatch that we needed more units. I walked back to the front door where Jake was standing hunched over looking out of it.
Parked outside were 3 black SUVs and a black sedan. I counted 11 men dressed in black tactical military gear, some with a type of rifle I had never seen before, but you could tell it was large caliber. The rest with SMG weapons. When i looked over towards the patrol car, one of the men had the door opened and was talking to the witness. He saw us and started our way. He was dressed in all black too and carried what looked like a desert eagle in a chest holster.
When he got closer I got a better look at him. He looked to be in his late 40's with salt and pepper colored hair and a big ass scar that ran down the right side of his face. He got about ten feet from the steps "We appreciate the assistance, but you are no longer needed" He said in deep voice. As he is saying this, one of the other guys escorts the witness out of our car and into the back of that sedan.
The guy started walking away from us "Who are you? and what the fuck is going on?" I yelled at him. He turned with a look on his face that you only see in movies then took a few steps towards us. "Your command has been informed and you are to leave now!" He said raising his hand up towards that holstered pistol. Jake looked at me and shook his head "fuck it, let's go, let them deal with that mess upstairs" he said still coughing then started heading towards the car. I followed him down the steps... looking this guy up and down, checking out the vehicles... for anything that might tell me who we were dealing with.
The only thing I saw was on the assholes uniform... there was a patch on his shoulder. It was an all-black diamond with a weird looking black M in the middle on it. The guy stared us down until we were in the car driving away. He had that pistol in his hand and the other men starting moving into the house. Jake and I didn’t say a word until the radio squawked and we were told to head back to the barracks.
When we got there, we were told to report to the troop commander’s office. Commander Thompson was sitting in his office along with a man in a nice 2-piece suit. The man in the suit stood there quietly while Thompson told us that we never responded to any call out to that farmhouse, and that this was the first and only time he would say it. With that, he dismissed us and and we walked out. The shit didn’t sit well with me, and I ended up resigning a few months later.
I came down here and then that shit in the woods happened. I was on the scene, I saw the claw marks. They looked just like the ones in New York, and the same damn trucks showed up with different personnel. I knew just to shut up and walk away, and after making that choice I have had a pretty good career here." he finished grabbing his cup out of the holder.
My brain was in overdrive. I was just about to completely question bomb jack when he said, "We're here." He pulled off onto this overgrown driveway and drove for about a quarter mile. We pulled up to an old two-story house that looked like it was in ruins... but the lights were on. "Where the hell are we?" I asked As the last word of that question left my mouth, the front door of the house opened... standing in the doorway was a old man, dressed in weathered black clothing. Jack leaned over to me "You wanted answers... well.... there they are."

Intro

It’s not much of a stretch to say that violence is the primary form of interaction in video games. With a handful of exceptions, most video games involve guys whacking other guys, with varying degrees of brutality. Even chill games fall into this - Stardew Valley has sections with combat in them! Considering the pervasiveness of violence in video games, there has been a ton of amateur and academic commentary on the topic. However, while this is a well-established school of thought, I haven’t seen people try to apply this to Fire Emblem specifically.
So, let’s do that now! In this post, I’ll be exploring how violence in Fire Emblem is implemented - what limitations are placed on violence, how it warps wider game and narrative design, and what it implicitly says and does not say. I hope this post doesn’t come off as too early-2010s “makes you think”-y, but I do think there are multiple interesting things worth talking about here!
Despite the length of this post, "a brief discussion" is an appropriate title, as we won't be able to go into depth on everything. After all, video games are holistic works, so the attitude towards violence is relevant to every aspect of their design. However, I have managed to wrangle some of these threads into the following structure: first a discussion on the fundamental mode of interaction in Fire Emblem, then how stories are constructed with regards to violence, and ending with the aesthetics of violence and how they relate to characters. Also, as FE is a huge series, be aware that I am gonna be making some broad statements which may not apply to each individual plot point of every game. I actually planned to write 3 case studies around Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses (which have the most interesting attitudes to violence in the series IMO) which point out these deviations, but this post is way too long and full of tangents already. If people are interested, I’ll make a followup to this post which goes into them in more detail. Also also, because of the nature of this post, I’ll actually give a useful TL;DR for once:
TL;DR: Nintendo games must be fun mechanically, and they can’t be too uncomfortable narratively. If you try to provide a counterpoint by saying “oh this Kirby final boss is super dark it eats 100 morbillion galaxies”, you do not deserve rights. IntSys has to keep to this as a 2nd party publisher, but they also have to deal with the fact that their games are at least nominally about ‘war’ (or at least they put their toes into that particular thematic pool). This conflict between making a fun video game for children/teens and the wider framing of the narrative leads to interesting narrative and aesthetic tensions. also fun is cringe, misery is based

“Do you like hurting other people?” (or The Fundamental Mode of Interaction)

OK LISTEN I KNOW I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO COME ACROSS AS A EARLY 2010s “VIOLENCE IN VIDYA BAD :O????” PERSON BUT I SWEAR I’M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS
The best place to start when talking about violence in video games is to think about the primary form of interaction in said game. In the case of Fire Emblem, this is in the in-chapter gameplay. Sure, in objective terms the player moves arbitrary objects across a 2D grid which perform subtraction on arbitrary objects controlled by the computer, but this is always framed as controlling a squad of soldiers to engage in (typically lethal) combat with enemies (who are normally also soldiers). When you’re not doing this in-chapter gameplay, you are preparing for the next chapter of combat. This involves surveying the area of combat, preparing weapon loadouts, etc, however more recent entries also include light life-sim-esque elements. To summarize, Fire Emblem’s interactivity involves ordering violence as well as the preparations to order said violence.
For players, this strategic thinking is extremely fun and is the primary draw of the series! You have all these tier lists of who’s better at killing, discussion of the maps where you do the killing, complaints about the length of gameplay sections where you don’t do killing, etc. This is by design, as while I don’t know the core brand tenets of Nintendo, I imagine the Reggie quote “If it isn’t fun, why bother?” is carved into a solid gold statue of Mario in the office lobby. This then is enforced on all associated studios, including IntSys and so Fire Emblem. While I would disagree with that Reggie quote (especially the bit where he says “If it’s not a battle, where’s the fun?” which is a wild statement to make about an entire medium), this approach to making games is ultimately fine, and so IntSys tailored the strategic gameplay to be satisfying to your dopamine receptors. You could analyse what the normalisation of violence even in ‘just for fun’ games says about wider gaming culture, but I won’t get into that here. In any case, let’s dig into a few specifics of FE’s interactivity.
One thing that’s interesting with regard to strategy games is the detached perspective of the player. You order units and observe the resulting violence, but it’s not tactile, you don’t directly swing the sword or shoot the bow or cast the spell like with action games. This adds a layer of separation between the player and what fundamentally happens, at least within the framing that the game provides. It’s not like Call of Duty, where your relationship to the violence is very visceral, where you view everything down the barrel of a gun. OK, I probably shouldn’t use a series that I have very little personal experience with (I only listen to the supplementary lore material, so let’s talk about Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. While you’re not directly in the driver’s seat, John Sekiro reacts to your every input with extreme responsiveness, so overcoming the game’s challenges i.e. stabbing people is incredibly visceral and satisfying. While this violence is fantastical in nature, there is sufficient blood and explicit sword-action to clearly say “oh yeah you are violently killing all of those bozos with a katana”. Coming back to FE, not only are you far more detached from the violence, it is presented in an extremely cartoony manner… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, we’ll get to the aesthetics later. Point is, Fire Emblem gives the viewpoint of a stoic commander, who Does What Needs To Be Done™, and not the viewpoint of an actual soldier who has to do the actual killing.
Now let’s view the player’s perspective on violence from a different angle. Fire Emblem intends for its combat to be relatively relaxed on the player side of things - the turn-based nature allows the player to calmly think through all of their moves, and you typically have perfect information on the enemies. The only exceptions to this are Fog of WaSame Turn Reinforcements, which are rare and typically unpopular amongst the fanbase. This leans into ‘combat as sport’, where (going back to the Reggie quote) you have a fun time picking apart a puzzle with the tools you have, and we all collectively enjoy this! This is a valid way of designing strategy games, and I like what IntSys has done. However, it’s not the only way of making these games - for example, in Total War you have to juggle all your battalions in real time whilst the enemy is bearing down on you, and the XCOM games always have Fog of War and limited information on the enemies, with you never knowing what kind of awful new monster is going to suddenly charge at you. Don’t get me wrong, neither of these follow ‘combat as war’, the principle that violence should properly mimic the stress, tension and unfairness of actual conflict. Hell, neither of them are particularly mature either - Total War is the strategy game equivalent of smashing action figures together, and XCOM emulates a pulp sci-fi alien invasion story. However, the additional pressures these games have make them hew slightly closer to actual conflict, putting you more in that mindset in a way that the clean fun Fire Emblem doesn’t really do. Again, I want to say FE’s approach to violence in in-map gameplay is fine, but when all three of these franchises have an explicit narrative framing of ‘warfare’, it does make Fire Emblem’s narrative a little more… stretched.
Finally, I want to briefly mention the maps. To steal from a brilliant Jacob Geller video, these are Worlds Designed For Violence. At least outside of the Kaga games, the maps you fight on are primarily designed around how the player interacts with them, i.e. fights on them. While I imagine the narrative designers and artists at IntSys are involved throughout the map design process, the gameplay flow probably takes precedence most of the time. Maps are not designed to resemble realistic places that you have to fight through, they are instead designed primarily to provide fun gameplay experiences before being dressed up by the artists to look realistic/fit the specific story beat. This is a more consistently entertaining approach to map design - heaven knows we have a lot of Kaga castle assault maps which are as fun as actually assaulting an entrenched position IRL - but this lack of friction could potentially take the bite out of the intended vibe, neuter any commentary on violence throughout the story.
You may have noticed that we’ve only talked about the “in-map” gameplay for now, when there’s an entire second half of these games, i.e. all the gameplay between the maps. Don’t worry, we’ll get to all of that, but this may fit better in:

Something something “ludonarrative” something something (or Narrative Implications)

(To clarify, here I’m going to talk about the wider plots and narrative structure as opposed to characterisation, as that fits more into the aesthetics of the series)
It’s not bold to say that the narratives of games have to warp around the core gameplay structure. Especially in AAA video game production, the narrative designers usually have to take a back seat to the systems and level designers, at least outside of the initial rough outline they provide in the original game pitch. In this case, the job of the writer is to form vaguely coherent connective tissue between individual levels, setpieces and expensive pre-rendered cutscenes. This must be a very difficult job, and is probably the reason why most video game stories are the way they are. I am not privy to IntSys internal meetings, but I imagine they abide by this paradigm, trying to give a reason for why you fight 20 battles which roughly align with plot beats that were decided years ago.
Put another way, the writers of Fire Emblem must contrive a reason why the characters fight a vast number of violent battles in a strategic manner. This has a pretty easy solution - war! We have found something it’s good for, as whenever the gameplay designers decide that an extra map is required, the writers can just insert “oh no there’s a blockade of enemy soldiers in the way, guess you gotta kill them all”. This is the case for almost all the games and is a fair enough narrative choice, as it’s frankly one of the few scenarios where you could reasonably contrive so many battles, but it’s worth examining this in a bit more detail.
Even in the framing of warfare, there are still a lot of skirmishes, which sometimes the narrative or tone fails to support - or at least, their presence means that violence isn’t taken that seriously. Let’s take an example from early in Awakening: Emmeryn sends the Shepherds to negotiate an alliance with Regna Ferox. On the way, they are ambushed by Risen on the Northroad (1), have to fight the border guards who think Chrom is a bandit I think??? (2), and then after arriving they need to take part in Regna Ferox’s ritual combat to secure their alliance (3). These beats aren’t necessarily bad, and I actually think Awakening uses these opportunities quite well: the Risen are established as a constant threat to the world (except not really in the main story but that’s a whole other thing), “Marth'' gets more development, we set up Regna Ferox as fighty people who like to fight, and while the middle encounter is very tenuous it does set up a funny joke in Cynthia’s paralogue. However, I want to communicate that if the map/encounter designers need X maps between plot points A and B - in this case, needing low-stakes trials in the tutorial period - then there’s gonna be a fair bit of narrative filler. That is to say, there must be multiple combat encounters that kinda just happen, which makes violence a lot more casual in the narrative. See also the myriad examples of “oh shit random bandits attack!”, used to have a lower stakes map, with bandits appearing and vanishing as needed. This works fine enough in the context of ‘combat as sport’, allowing your favourite scrunglo to build up a triple-digit body count, but this casual attitude circumvents potentially interesting ideas with regards violence. Taking the example further, banditry and its causes are never seriously explored, as bandits are just treated as a filler enemy (except in Based As Hell Thracia 776).
Another narrative consequence of needing so many fights is that… you need to fight. That is to say, any anti-war sentiment or appeal to diplomacy in the series is fundamentally undercut by a) strategic combat being a core appeal of the series and b) narrative beats needing to be structured around fighting enemies. It’s a struggle to have moments of diplomacy and reconciliation when you had a fight within 3 minutes of said moment, lest some people start screaming that things are getting boring. This also makes any appeals to pacifism kinda moot. Xander’s quote about “war bad” in Conquest is utter bullshit, as a huge part of the marketing around that route focuses on the coolness of the tactical combat and its challenge. Eirika and Ephraim can never be equal, because Ephraim’s “fighting is fucken awesome” is encouraged by the gameplay, and Eirika can NEVER save 11037 because we need a final boss and no-one else fits the bill.
Speaking of, in video games it’s best practice to have a big bad guy you fight at the end of the story, the toughest mechanical challenge coinciding with the narrative climax. In Fire Emblem, you have one grand final battle which decides the fate of the war and/or world, before cutting to a brief wrap-up and then credits. This is an attempt to make these games satisfying, which is fine, but this is at odds with an anti-war message (which FE often gestures towards) - that is, actual wars tend to be deeply unsatisfying in a narrative sense! Oftentimes, after a decisive battle, things just kinda keep going for a little while afterwards with casualties continuing to pile up until peace terms are agreed. In the few cases where there is a final battle, it’s more of a formality as the decisive moment occurred months ago. See World War 1 and… World War 2 for examples of each, not to mention a whole host of war-related books and films. The problem with doing this in a video game is that it would require having multiple one-sided fights past the most climatic fight, which would be unfun, and we return to that fucking Reggie quote again. While video games can effectively explore this anti-war narrative space - This War of Mine is a fantastic example - it just doesn’t gel with the fun games that IntSys wants to make. I bring this up in the context of FE because Fire Emblem has such an aesthetic focus on warfare compared to other video games, so it sticks out even further. Even in FE6/FE9 where the war is effectively over in the final few maps, the enemies still remain extremely challenging, because if they didn’t things would be boring.
A few minor things that didn’t fit in above before we wrap up this section. First of all, in making an action packed story, Fire Emblem neglects an important aspect of army life in warfare - the “hurrying up and waiting”. In the majority of cases, the breaks between fights is under 10 minutes, it’s just glossed over. Fire Emblem Three Houses is the exception to this, but there it’s more framed as school life. Some people may say “what’s the point in having large amounts of timewasting where nothing happens in my game about war” and to that I would say fuck you, I want to play Jarhead Emblem. Next, Fire Emblem involves fighting people AND monsters, but these targets are typically given equal narrative weight, outside of maybe a funny line of dialogue about someone being afraid of monsters. In 99% of cases, enemy soldiers you fight have no more humanity than literal monsters. The death of any of your beloved soldiers is a tragedy with big sad death quotes, the death of those poor fuckers is quite literally a statistic which is proudly used to rank how well your guys have done at the end of the game. Finally, the limited scope of the violence the series can show limits the potential impact of scenes. In some cases, this is good as the implication is enough, e.g. the ‘Monica’ scene in Sacred Stones is wonderfully grim and would be weakened by anything explicit. However, a number of other scenes are neutered by the limitations on violence. This fundamentally relates to the aesthetics of the series:

insert prozd tweet/skit here (or Aesthetics, Tone, and Characters)

I’ve been talking a lot about ‘the violence committed’, and this might have seemed a bit weird to you. It’s a true statement, but because the violence is mostly cartoony and abstracted - bad guys disappear into nothingness, there’s no blood, etc - it’s hard to think of it in that way. It’s basically impossible to place Fire Emblem in the same artistic sphere as, say, All Quiet on the Western Front. This aesthetic sense was partially tech-limited in the early NES and SNES games, which was grandfathered into the more graphically complex titles, but it’s also related to how the aesthetics unavoidably warp the tone of the work. IntSys needs their games to be relatively lighthearted and unconcerned with the consequences of its violence, as one of the core appeals of these games is the charming cast of characters. As you would expect, it would be a lot harder to appreciate your goofy blorbos and their lighthearted chats about nothing if you could see the brutal consequences of their triple digit body counts. If violence was more realistic, there would be a lot less “ooh I like training and/or this one hyperspecific food” or “I like peace, but I guess violence may be possibly needed sometimes” and there would have to be a lot more trauma and dourness. There are also age rating concerns, as you can’t exactly sell Come And See Emblem to pre-teens. And once more, to clarify: Fire Emblem as it exists now is fine! I like the lighthearted tone of this series, and I like the characters that reside within it. However, a few problems do arise from IntSys’s approach to violence, as occasionally they brush up against darker ideas but (due to similar reasons to the above) they can never commit to them, which neuters their potential impact. This is especially troublesome with regards to characterisation, as the little dudes are a core appeal, so if something is off that could cause problems. In a sense, at points we have severe aesthetic tension.
A fairly useful case study to see how this affects characterisation is with Mozu in Fire Emblem Fates. Mozu is a charming character, a genial country bumpkin with a bit of an edge at times, who has fond memories of her hometown. This lines up with the lighthearted tone of her recruitment paralogue, where (checks notes) her entire village gets massacred by inhuman monsters, with her mother literally being murdered right in front of her, and she joins up with Corrin’s party because there is literally nothing left of her old life. I understand that people who experience extreme trauma do still manage to live meaningful lives, and that IntSys wouldn’t want to have a character who is a barely functional traumatised mess for 90% of the campaign. However, this doesn’t explain the sheer dissonance between the relatively normal and well-adjusted Mozu who quietly remembers her lost loved ones, and the fact that her village got My Lai’d a handful of weeks ago in the game’s timeline. IMO this would work a lot better if there were a few survivors (instead of literally everyone else dying), with Mozu actively choosing to leave her old life to help others instead of being forced to leave by circumstance. This reduction in scope would mitigate the dissonance between the character and what actually happens to her. This is by far the most extreme example in the series, however I’m sure you can think of others. My issue here is not with having ‘normal’ characters, or with them suffering tragedies, my issue is the dissonance between the two when viewing the scope of said tragedies. This is just one way the series wants to get into darker territory, then swiftly backing off instead of delving into the consequences.
This aesthetic restriction also affects the potential impact of dramatic scenes in the main story, limiting what the focus of these scenes can actually be. This little bit will involve heavy spoilers for Genealogy of the Holy War and Spec Ops: The Line (I KNOW THESE GAMES ARE VERY DIFFERENT WITH VERY DIFFERENT INTENDED DEMOGRAPHICS IN VERY DIFFERENT CULTURAL CONTEXTS, SHUT UP). Both have a very important narrative moment around their midpoints, involving fire magic/white phosphorus respectively. In each game, the deaths that occur are utterly horrific when you think about them. In FE4 the focus is on the drama of the plot twist and effects on the characters, with the actual effects of the violence being left to implication. We don’t know if this was the original intent of Kaga and the team, or if this was enforced by various tech- and publisher-related restrictions, but in either case we do not see anything explicit. In any case, in Spec Ops: The Line, the horror and graphic nature of the violence is completely inescapable, and therefore forms the core of the turning point of the story. The specifics of the violence itself are crucial - the game does not work if you don’t see the consequences of the white phosphorus - and it leads beautifully to the complete descent of its endgame. You may be saying “of course you couldn’t show that violence in FE, it’s a kids game” which is true, and in any case the scene in Genealogy is very good, even without showing the violence. I imagine if we get a remake in the year 202X we wouldn’t see anything explicit anyway, partially due to the publisher but also because the scene doesn’t necessarily need it. The point I am trying to make is that the aesthetics form a limitation on what Fire Emblem can explore, narrative space that the series fundamentally cannot reach.
One more thing, and this isn’t really about the games themselves but the impressions leading into them, and how the aesthetics can affect that. Do you guys remember when the intro cutscene of Three Houses was released a few weeks before release? I do, and I also remember the collective shock of the community when seeing the early previews. It was so drastically different to everything that had come before, and consequently was really intriguing - you can see a lot of speculation in the above comments. To clarify, I don’t want to pretend that 3H is some kind of super mature ultra gritty war story, or that blood = good game, but that beginning cutscene gave one hell of a first impression. Even though the game isn’t that much darker than any other FE game, the sheer unexpectedness put people off-kilter in a kinda awesome way. Does the game actually deliver? YMMV, but I think this (and some of the later cutscenes, such as the mid-game Dimitri one) work quite well. Sometimes, a little injection of harsher violence can go a long way.

Conclusion

Frankly I don’t really have a conclusion, sorry. As you can see, there are so many disparate strands, I can’t possibly make one grand thesis statement. Maybe the inherent contradictions of having warfare in a family friendly video game weakens the potential end result? I guess, but I don’t want to imply that what we have now is bad, as it is pretty good tbh. So, uhh…
…
OK, if I had to say something, it’s more about the process of making this. Having to try and think about how violence intersects with a video game you like takes you in a number of different directions. Ultimately, this process was really fulfilling for me, and I would recommend that you do the same (for FE or anything else)! Trying to analyse something you enjoy from a perspective not usually applied is pretty neat. If you guys have any thoughts (on the points above or your own), I’d be very interested to hear them!
Also, if people are interested, I’ll try to make a few case studies. I would focus on Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses, as (when thinking on this topic) I found that these games were consistently the most intriguing, with the most interesting relationships to violence. This would probably take a while though, as I am gonna be very busy in June, and I probably won’t have time this month either.

A few years ago I was living in a flat in Manchester with a couple of friends. A guy and a girl. The girl we will call 'L'
When I first met L I wasn't in a great place. I'd been through a lot in my life: parental neglect, childhood sexual abuse, rape in adulthood, sex work. I was damaged and alone and I needed a friend. When I met L she scooped me up, would hang out with me almost every day, message me every day, introduced me to her friends and I thought my life was starting to get a bit better.
Quite early on in our friendship I started to feel a bit anxious. L had said I was her best friend, but we had only known eachother maybe a month or 2 and so I said to her that I didn't feel ready to say it back. I was worried she was love bombing me. But as time went on and we moved into a flat together we became very much best friends.
I think one of the reasons we bonded so much was because we had both experienced sexual violence and abuse in our lives. L was also quite traumatised by what she had been through in life.
L had been violently raped by an ex boyfriend. The assault had left her hospitalised. We will call the ex bf 'O'.
The assault from O had happened a few years prior to me and L meeting. She told me all about it. But, while we were living together, L made the decision to invite O over to our flat for sex. Yep, the guy that had violently raped her. She invited that man in to our home. I thought it was pretty clear from this that L had some real issues, so I chose not to pass judgment and to instead show love and compassion. L told me to keep what she had done a secret as she said that if people found out they wouldn't want to know her anymore. So I kept it a secret for months, to protect her.
Fast forward 6 months. I'm dating a guy, we will call him 'C'. We'd been on one date and had been talking for a couple weeks. He was an incredible person. He did charity work, he was a creative like me, he had clearly done a lot of self work and appeared to be the perfect guy. I felt a connection very quickly.
Then one day I decided to google him. And I found the article that would change my life forever. I found an article about C, stating that he had spent time in prison for stalking and harassment.
As I'm sure you can imagine I was completely and utterly shocked by finding that article. I've been through a lot in my life but when I saw that headline my ears started ringing and my brain just stopped for a moment. This is what trauma feels like when it's happening.
After a few moments to digest this information I burst out of my room in tears and called out for my best friend L. I needed her so badly. I needed my friend.
When I showed L the article about C, she became angry. Angry at me! She demanded that I block him immediately and started making comments about how I was inviting a dangerous person in to our lives. She accused me of this after inviting her own rapist over for sex! L also made comments such as 'what if he attacks me' as though this was happening to her. She turned herself into the victim.
I had spent time with C and although the article was truly awful, I just couldn't understand how this was the same person. He seemed so genuine and kind and compassionate. I contacted him after finding the article. I was still in quite severe shock at this point. I asked him about the article and his response was that he wished he could have told me about it himself. He explained to me that he used to have a severe drinking problem, he'd done awful things in his life which he had paid for. He spent 3 months in prison for what he did. And he hadn't touched alcohol since. All of this had happened 3 years before we met. He had been sober for 3 years. I admired him for managing to make something of himself despite having such a scathing mark against his character floating around on the Internet for the world to see.
Within 48 hours of me finding that article L called everyone we knew and told them about it. She even contacted people close to my family to tell them I was 'dating a rapist' even though C had never actually physically hurt anyone.
Within 48 hours of me finding that article Ls friends were openly picking on my and excluding me. She had worked so quickly. It actually reminds me of something I heard about called a 'narcissistic attack' in which the perpetrator purposefully turns people against someone in order to socially ostracise them.
I lost almost everyone.
I very much believed C. I chose to continue dating him. But the hell L was putting me through made it difficult for the relationship to work. Me and L were still living together. She had said I wasn't allowed to bring C anywhere near the flat. So ofc I agreed. L was making my life a daily misery, with off hand remarks, social isolation and verbal attacks. She turned all the new people I had met against me. She branded me as the 'girl who would date a stalker'. And all these people I used to consider friends jumped on the band wagon. Not a single person came to my defense.
I continued to date C for 6 weeks after finding the article. I broke up with him in the end because what L was putting me through was creating resentment that C couldn't possibly handle. He'd been through enough. We did remain friends though. And to this day he is still sober and very much a changed man.
People make mistakes in life. Some people make awful mistakes. I chose to accept C for who he was in the moment, not who he had been years previously. I chose to act with compassion and understanding and the person that was supposed to be my friend completely betrayed me.
I have been through a lot in my life but to be so betrayed by a friend is very traumatic. Especially after putting faith and trust in that friend. Especially after being there for that friend when she had done far far worse.
It's been over 2 years since this all happened and I'm still dealing with the PTSD. It's the public humiliation that has been so damaging to me. It's the going to a friend for support in a time of need and instead of them being there for me they tried to destroy me.
It's been over 2 years and I still have nightmares and wake up in tears.
And to this day I havnt told any of her friends about what she did with O. I was going to tell everyone about it at first but I made the conscious choice to not be that person. And instead I just walked away.
Looking back I really wish I had stood up for myself more. Maybe then L would have realised what she was doing.
I still get so angry. It's so hard to move on. I can't go a day without reliving what she did to me. I'm so tired.

be me; ex LizarDM
be also me; Adonis Valintellis (Tiefling Paladin), Thalia Milakos (Human Ranger) and Zaahir Kehmet (Earth Genasi Wizard)
the soldier stifled a yawn as he patrolled the sandy beaches of Kalikos
clouds hid the island from the moon’s spectral glow, casting the land into darkness and turning the often silver seas black as coal
his shift had been a long one and just as boring as expected
where once his mind had been sharp and alert, it now lingered on thoughts of a cold drink and a warm bed
his eyes scanned the shore superficially, passing over the same stones and grassy knolls he’d seen a hundred times before
on any other night, he may have noticed the discrepancies in the shoreline
the new rock that appeared almost boat-like on second glance
but alas, his mind was a thousand miles away, and the javelin hit him without warning
the soldier collapsed to his knees, gasping for air like a fish on land
his armour had spared him from the worst of the damage, but the javelin had done its job
stunned and winded, he was rendered defenceless against the four figures that emerged from the darkness
a thought crossed his mind to sound the alarm; but his limbs refused to move and his lungs pleaded for breath
one member of the pack split from the rest. A stout dwarf with a full beard and a grim expression
they approached the helpless man, drawing a sharply curved short sword from their belt
the soldier tried to move
tried to yell
but the dwarf closed the distance between them and cut his throat, putting a violent end to his struggles
wiping the blood clean from his weapon, Oryk hauled the body behind cover before jogging to catch up with his companions
the Order of the Twins moved like shadows in the night. Their passage muffled by the spells woven about their feet
that said, their infiltration still proved easier than expected
skirting the edges of the island, the party avoided common paths and watchful eyes; slipping between gaps in the meagre defences they encountered
their route took them just below the peak of the island; where a lavish home stared out across the ocean
in the distance, tiny twinkling lights just barely outlined the Athosi mainland
the house itself was lit up like a beacon in the night, and roaming globules of fire identified the few guards on rotation. Six or seven at most
less than a third of what they had anticipated
counting their blessings, the small band of adventurers navigated the narrow pathways around the house and approached the island’s southern side, where a lonely dirt road wound its way towards a grove of trees
they moved swiftly and silently through the long grass that grew on either side, but they needn’t have bothered
the road was unguarded, and the entrance to the grove lay bare
“this is too easy,” Cyrene whispered; fidgeting nervously with an iron band around her wrist. “Where are the rest of the guards?”
she, like the rest of her companions, had a dishevelled look to her appearance
a thinness to her features that implied more than a couple missed meals
Oryk shot her a stern look, and the half orc immediately shut her mouth
turning his gaze to the two half elves to his rear, he was answered with obedient silence
Maia had always been thin, but now she was practically gaunt
her eyes carried a weight, and an ugly scar split her lip on the left side
Iris, her sister, had once identified herself with long curly hair
now, it was cut short, and crudely so. As if done with an altogether uncaring hand
both twins wore the same iron band as Cyrene around their left wrist
a thin piece of metal that coiled around their limb like a snake
with a commanding wave of his hand, Oryk led the party through the grove’s northern entrance and into the trees beyond
moving like ghosts between the thin trunks and shallow underbrush, the group made good progress before they heard the sudden snap of a twig in the darkness
Oryk raised a fist and the advance came to an abrupt stop, scanning their surroundings with tense expressions
a series of soft whispers drifted between the trees, accompanied by the rustling of leaves and groaning of branches
the dwarven fighter drew his sica and his companions complied, unsheathing their weapons in response
they began to spot lithe, feminine figures peering out at them from behind the trees. Staring at the strangers with bright, emerald eyes
the women had skin like mottled bark, and hair that plumed about them like foliage
“dryads,” Cyrene declared, lowering her rhomphaia with the faintest hint of relief
Iris and Maia exchanged a look before lowering their own weapons, albeit keeping them close at hand
Oryk, however, raised his short sword threateningly, and pointed it at the nearest nature spirit
“get back in your trees and stay there. Interfere, and we will not hesitate to kill you”
the dryad in question retreated, but the others stood their ground as a frantic whispering filled the trees around them
something dangerous glimmered in Oryk’s eyes, and his fingers tightened around the hilt of his sica
“NOW!” he suddenly bellowed, his voice deep and commanding
the drayds scattered into the trees, leaving a myriad of foul curses and even fouler odours in their wake
Oryk gave a satisfied grunt and turned to leave, only to nearly walk into the dryad that now stood in his way
a spirit with speckled, ashy skin and a stern, stubborn expression
Oryk approached them with his weapon raised
“get out of my way,” he growled. “I won’t ask a third time”
the dryad stared down at him like a disapproving adult would a petulant child, and when it spoke, it did so with a voice like wind through a canopy
“if you were wise, you would return to your masters. You will not find what you seek here”
its eyes lifted to the party, as if directing its words to them
with a snarl, Oryk swiped at the dryad, only to be met by a cloud of pollen and stinging nettles
cursing aloud between bouts of frantic coughing, the dwarf fled the swarm and started rubbing his eyes, which had already begun streaming with tears
muttering under her breath, Cyrene approached his side and laid a hand on his shoulder
“come now, let me see”
lowering his hands to his side, Oryk turned to face her with a grimace, his eyes puffy and red
“Archons above, Oryk,” Cyrene cursed. “You should know better than to taunt a dryad”
as the words left her mouth, the band on her wrist suddenly tightened and the half orc gave a small yelp of pain
glaring at her through bloodshot eyes, Oryk gave the cleric a venomous look
“and you should know better than to speak out of line”
Cyrene’s hands fumbled at the metal around her wrist, refusing to meet the dwarf’s cruel gaze
the cuff continued to coil and squeeze; writhing like a living being as Cyrene frantically whispered a foreign chant beneath her breath
the words seemed to appease the magic item, and it loosened its grip in response
witnessing this cruel display of discipline, the twins began unconsciously massaging the band around their own wrists; as if reminiscing on a similar experience
shaking the pain from her arm, Cyrene set to work curing Oryk’s ailment, uttering a slew of healing spells
with his eyesight restored, Oryk sheathed his weapon and pushed past Cyrene, wandering into the trees
with little other choice other than to follow, the group set off after him
the party walked for some time before a sound other than buzzing insects and murmured curses reached their ears
a low, rumbling that echoed through the trees. Like a dull droning that came in ebbs and flows
once more the group came to a stop, and before Oryk could even turn to look towards the twins, they had already begun to move
creeping forward with the lightest of footsteps, Maia and Iris stealthily approached the sound, deftly avoiding any stray branches or betraying stones
the droning grew louder and louder, until the pair had stopped just shy of its source
peering around a trunk with sharp blue eyes, Maia scanned what lay ahead
the trees parted around an ancient oak, its roots deep and its branches tall
a hollow sat about half way up the trunk. A small opening just wide enough to put a hand or two inside
but the tree was not so interesting as what lay beneath
coiled around the trunk was a creature with a long, serpentine body
its scales, green and flecked with brown, were hard and interlocked like shields in a phalanx
its head, immense and filled with razor sharp teeth, lay curled just below the hollow of the tree
the low rumbling emanated from the monster’s chest, as it uttered a long, prolonged snore
Maia’s jaw tightened and her eyes flitted over to her sister
Iris’ face had gone pale, and her hand had instinctively dropped to grab at the empty sheath on her belt
a prize taken by their employer
the twins locked eyes, and shared a moment of profound fear
wetting her suddenly very dry lips, Maia gestured back towards the trees and Iris nodded in silent agreement
the two stealthily retreated, keeping their footsteps light all the way back to their comrades
Oryk almost jumped when the twins materialised beside him, emerging from the darkness without warning
“well?” he hissed, his voice rising above the droning snores. “What did you find?”
Iris frantically gestured for the dwarf to quiet down, as Maia shot a terrified glance back in the direction of the oak tree
only when they heard the low droning of the monster’s snores did the pair relax enough to answer
“dragon”
the word held in the air like a curse
Cyrene’s eyes widened, and had it not been for the band on her wrist, she most certainly would have uttered a prayer
even Oryk’s permanently affixed scowl faded as the blood drained from his face
when he finally spoke, he did so with no semblance of his usual condescension
“...how big?”
“8 meters,” Iris answered. “No more than 12”
Oryk nodded, his brow knitting together as he dropped into a crouch
“a juvenile,” he thought aloud. “Hasn’t reached full adulthood. Scorch marks?”
“none that we could see”
“good. Then either it’s too young to breathe fire, or it spits poison”
his eyes narrowed to points as he mulled things over in his head
the group kept quiet, forced to listen to the distant, droning snores as their leader considered their options
after a long stretch of time, Oryk took a sharp inhale and straightened his posture
“it’s asleep?”
his eyes shifted to Maia, and the half elf tensed
“we think so but…”
“we don’t know for certain,” Iris quickly interrupted. “We’ve never encountered a dragon before. We should call off the mission and come back more prepared”
a deadly silence fell over the group as the dwarf went still
“call off the mission?” he repeated
his voice was calm, but the words held a distinct edge to them
like the blade of a meticulously sharpened knife
“and since when did you make the calls in this party?”
Maia shot her sister a look, and Iris lowered her eyes
“never,” she answered
“that’s right. Never,” Oryk reiterated, holding the half elf in his steely gaze. “We do things my way, as we always have”
Iris’ clamped her mouth shut and the dwarvish fighter turned to look at his other companions
“unless you have all forgotten what awaits us if we fail? What will happen if we come back empty handed?”
he was met with silence and a slow shake of Cyrene’s head
“failure isn’t an option,” he continued. “If the drakon is asleep, we need to act now”
his gaze shifted to Maia
“so can you do what I need you to?”
the half elf swallowed and tried to slow her racing heartbeat
“I think so,” she meekly answered
“good. The rest of us will wait in position. We’ll flank the tree from three sides and-”
“-I’ll do it,” Iris suddenly interjected
Oryk’s teeth flashed in a grimace before he turned to face her
“I’ll retrieve the objective,” Iris clarified, meeting the dwarf’s gaze
“Maia is quieter,” Oryk bluntly retorted. “She stands a better chance of getting to the tree than you do”
“but with my magic-”
“-your magic that we need for the escape,” he interrupted. “We have a plan, stick to it”
he turned back to the front and began drawing out a rough plan in the dirt with his sica
“-while Maia sneaks in, we hold here to provide support. Once we have what we came for, we leave back through the northern exit”
Iris’ eye twitched, and Maia reached out to drop a hand on her sister’s arm
“Iris-” she quietly started
but her warning went unheeded, and Iris spoke up again
“what’s the point of saving my magic if we don’t get what we came for?” she argued
Oryk spun with a stormy expression, pointing his blade to her chest
“because I said so!” he snapped. “And you will do what you’re told!”
he may have stood half a head shorter than Iris, but in that moment, Oryk felt like a giant, and in the silence of the trees, his voice sounded like a clap of thunder
Iris’ face paled and Oryk realised what he had done
instinctively, the party held their breath; anticipating a monstrous roar, or the crash of falling trees
but after a few tense seconds, all they heard was the rhythmic rumbling of distant snores
the group letting out a collective sigh of relief that cut through the tension like a knife
tension that returned the moment Oryk opened his mouth
“do you want to be sent across the Chronaean?” he hissed. “Do you want to leave your sister alone?”
Iris’ eyes shifted to Cyrene, searching for some glimmer of support
instead, the half orc looked away, leaving the half elf to face their leader alone
“of course I don’t,” Iris mumbled
“exactly,” Oryk spat. “Stay in line, do what you’re told, and keep your mouth shut”
he turned to Maia with an expression that encouraged absolute obedience
“get the objective, and get out. Nod if you understand”
Maia gave a slight jerk of her head
“good. Now get moving”
the dwarf stormed off into the trees, and Cyrene quickly shot up to follow him
Maia and Iris exchanged a look of resignation before joining their trusted comrades

Maia stood in position by the edge of the clearing, mentally projecting her path to and from the hollow
it was a simple job, really
dart across the open ground
jump up to the low branch on the left side
climb over to the main trunk
grab the objective
and do it all again
simple
if it weren’t for the dragon in the way
Maia's heart began to pound in her chest until she felt a hand fall gently across her arm
she turned, meeting Iris' concerned gaze
“you don’t have to do this,” her sister whispered; practically breathing the words into Maia’s ear
“yes I do,” Maia answered, keeping her voice just as quiet. “You heard Oryk. We can’t go back empty handed”
“f*ck Oryk,” Iris cursed. “We’re only here because of him”
in spite of herself, a grim smile lifted the corner of Maia’s lips
it was a rare thing to hear Iris curse
“we could run, you know. Make a break for the mainland”
Maia’s smile dropped in an instant
“Iris, no”
“why not?” Iris replied earnestly. “We can make it. I know we can”
“they’ll catch us. And even if they don’t, what then? We’ve got nowhere to hide. No friends to help us. We’d be on our own”
“we’ve been alone before. We survived, didn’t we?”
Iris’ words were hopeful, but they couldn’t hide the desperation beneath
when Maia didn’t seem convinced, Iris took her sister’s face into her hands
“please don’t do this. I can’t lose you”
Maia’s eyes softened, and she placed her hands atop Iris’
“that’s why I have to do this”
she took a deep breath and tried to put on a half convincing smile
“you don’t have to worry about me. I’ve got this. I promise”
Iris’ thumb traced the scar across her sister’s lip
“I’m older. It’s my job to worry about you”
a frown fell across Maia’s face
“older by 10 minutes”
“and I’ll never let you forget it”
Iris pulled her sister into a tight hug
“don’t you dare get yourself caught”
“when have I ever?”
the two reluctantly parted, and Iris held her sister at an arm’s length
“remember. Once you have it-”
“-run like the Hounds of Chaon are after me”
a smile touched Iris’ lips, and the shadows rose up to swallow her
when they parted, the monk was gone
inhaling a slow, shaky breath, Maia composed herself, and refocused on the tree
30ft to the centre
branch on the left side
over the dragon
down to the hollow
reverse and get out
she exhaled slowly, letting the shake fade from her breath
she had this
Maia broke from the tree line, moving in a swift but stealthy manner
every step carefully laid. Every movement intentional
the dragon’s snores rumbled like thunder, growing louder with each step
before she knew it, she was beneath the low branch
taking a quick stutter step to gain momentum, she threw herself upwards, catching the branch with both hands
thankfully, the branch held firm, and Maia swung her legs up and around it
shimmying along inch by inch, she drew closer to the trunk itself, inadvertently holding her breath as she passed over the sleeping body of the dragon
its breath reeked up close. Like spoiled fruit and vinegar
it took all her strength not to gag
before she knew it, she was at the trunk of the tree and at the next step of her plan
hoisting herself up to a crouched position, she flattened her body against the side of the trunk and began sliding her foot along its length
eventually, she found a suitable foothold and began clambering across to a more central position
the hollow was just beneath her now
and beneath that, the massive head of the dragon
this close, she realised just how easily such a creature could snap her up
with her small frame, she’d be gone in one or two bites
pushing such morbid thoughts out of her mind, she leaned down until her head and arm were low enough to reach inside the hollow
her lungs were beginning to burn from holding her breath for so long, but she dared not exhale
she wasn't sure how good a dragon's senses were, but she wasn't keen to find out either
reaching her arm into the hollow, her fingers touched loose leaves and knotted wood
she pushed a little deeper, searching for any sign of her prize
something cold
something metal
but instead, she felt the hard back of the hollow
frowning, she pressed again, but still felt only the rear of the hollow
had she somehow missed it?
her fingers scrambled around, but continued to feel only wood and leaves
her lungs were really burning now, and she could feel her face flushing with colour from being upside down
regardless, she removed her arm and leaned her head down further, trying to peer inside
in the black gloom of a moonless night, a human wouldn’t have been able to see a thing
but even with her enhanced elvish sight, Maia was granted only the slightest advantage
just enough to make out the shape of the interior and the contents within
dried leaves
knotted wood
a couple insect husks
and nothing else
sure she had somehow made a mistake, she looked again and again
but with each scan, the truth became undeniable
“you will not find what you seek, here”
the dryad’s words echoed in Maia’s head, and with a cold sense of dread, she realised that the spirit hadn’t been speaking rhetorically
the amulet wasn’t here
and with that realisation, Maia’s lungs could hold on no longer
her breath escaped all at once, her awkward position driving the air out in an undignified huff
she clamped a hand over her mouth, but the damage had been done
she had made a sound, however small, and already her breath was mixing with the cool air
time slowed to a crawl as the dragon’s snores came to a stop
she watched in terror as its head, mere inches below her, began to stir
its nostrils flared; drawing breath with a deep, rasping inhale, and its eyes rolled in their sockets
the dragon’s jaws cracked open, revealing a black, forked tongue and rows of fetid teeth
rancid breath assaulted Maia’s senses, making her stomach turn and her head spin
she waited for the creature to open its eyes
to see the tiny morsel dangling helplessly above it
but they never did
to her greatest relief, the dragon remained asleep and blissfully unaware of her presence
relief swiftly turned to dismay, however, as the dragon proceeded to shift; its scales rippling like water across its long, serpentine body
the tree shook violently as the monster scraped against its surface, shearing away bark and causing branches to groan and sway
wrapping her arms around whatever she could find, Maia clung desperately as the shaking threatened to throw her loose
after what felt like an eternity, the vibrations mercifully ended, and the dragon returned to its snoring
but even after the tree had long fallen still, Maia found herself unable move; as if every single muscle in her body had frozen solid
in a moment of clarity, she realised that her hand had found her dagger in the chaos, and that the weapon was now clutched in an iron grip at her side
she almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation
as if a dagger would keep her safe if the dragon had actually awoken
nonetheless, she kept it in her hand, unwilling to relinquish the one defence she had
lifting her gaze to scan the surrounding treeline, she spotted the pale faces of her companions waiting in position. Intently following her progress with their eyes
Iris looked just as high sprung as she was. All but ready to throw herself into the open in order to save her sister
Maia silently prayed that her twin could keep her composure for just a little longer
wetting her incredibly dry lips, the rogue began scaling the tree; taking care to avoid any of the small twigs and leaves that had been shaken loose by the dragon’s shifting
upon reaching her chosen branch she paused, taking a moment to slow her racing heart beat
in spite of everything telling her otherwise, she needed to calm down
stress would lead to mistakes
and mistakes would lead to her death
feeling her muscles relax ever so slightly, Maia continued, stretching her body out to reach the low branch
her feet found purchase, and the rogue began creeping along its length
a few more steps and she’d be home free
“Maia!”
a single word
muffled and distorted, and yet agonisingly loud
Maia’s eyes dropped to the bronze surface of her dagger and saw a young woman’s face staring back at her, their eyes grey and piercing
there was a flash of familiarity in the half elf’s mind, but in that moment, she could barely recall her own name
a million thoughts raced through her mind as her heart pounded like a drum in her ears
one thought, however, screamed louder than the rest
run
Maia’s feet moved before the thought had even finished forming, propelling her from the branch a split second before it detonated into an explosion of jagged splinters
she hit the ground hard, feeling something give in her shoulder
she didn’t have time to dwell on it, as an earth shattering roar tore the world asunder
her feet were under her in an instant, and she broke into a sprint, not daring to look behind her
she knew that if she turned, all she would see is a flash of green scales and a mouth full of fangs closing in to end her life
the air began to reek of rotten fruit and then a body collided with her, throwing her aside
a cloud of noxious fumes ripped through the space she had just occupied, causing grass to shrivel and trees to wither
she felt hands on her arms and shoulders, and then Iris was yelling at her, hauling her to her feet amidst pained racking coughs
they didn’t have time to stop, barrelling through the trees in a mad dash to get away
as furious roars filled the air behind them, Iris stumbled through the underbrush, her legs unsteady beneath her
Maia looped an arm under her shoulder, and now the twins were supporting each other in a tangle of limbs
minutes passed. Or maybe just seconds. And then the two broke from the tree line onto an open road
sea winds rushed up to meet them, and Iris' legs fully gave out as she began greedily sucking in gasps of fresh air
“come on!” Maia urged, trying to drag her sister to her feet
but Iris was of no use now, her eyes bulging and her face flushed with colour
something ripped its way out of the underbrush and Maia turned sharply, instinctively raising the dagger that was still clutched in a death grip
instead of the dragon she was expecting, she found Cyrene and her rhomphaia, halfway through a cut that would have cleaved her in two
recognising each other at the same time, the pair lowered their weapons and turned to the wheezing half elf at their feet
concern flashing across her face, Cyrene dropped to her knees in preparation to cast a spell
before she could begin, however, Oryk emerged from the grove, blood splattered across his hands
“we don’t have time for that. Get her up!”
he raced past them, leading the charge back towards the beach
with a grunt of exertion, Cyrene lifted Iris into her arms like a baby, shoving her rhomphaia into Maia's hands
keeping a wary eye on her sister, Maia followed the half orc as she began jogging after their leader
as they ran, Oryk settled into pace beside Maia, shooting her a questioning look between grunts of breath
“do you have it?”
the half elf's shoulders fell, and she quietly shook her head
“it wasn’t there”
Oryk’s face turned a dark shade of red, and a vein bulged in his head
“what do you mean it wasn’t there?!”
“the amulet is gone. We missed it”
a stream of vile curses flowed from Oryk’s lips, and Maia wisely chose to keep her eyes forward and mouth shut
they reached the beach in record time, and Cyrene carefully laid Iris down into their waiting boat
as Oryk and Maia began pushing the vessel into the rolling surf, the dwarf gave her a hateful glare
“hells spare you when they find out we failed”
“we...haven’t...failed...yet”
Oryk turned his ire on Iris, who lay curled across the edge of the boat trying her best to suck in what air she could
“we...know...where...its...going,” she continued between strained, wheezing breaths. “We...still...have...time...”
leaping into the boat with a splash of water, Oryk waited just long enough for his companions to get in before heaving away with the oars
“we’d better. For all our sakes”
he sliced through the water with powerful strokes, driving them into deeper and darker waters
Maia slunk down beside Iris, taking her sister’s hand into her own
Iris dropped her head onto Maia’s shoulder, and the twins watched as the shores of Kalikos drifted further and further away

First Post: https://www.reddit.com/CradledDnDStories/comments/x8zwpv/athos_1_a_new_world_of_opportunity/
Last Post: https://www.reddit.com/CradledDnDStories/comments/1b2taqi/athos_35_mirror_mirro
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Witch Fall / / Rest Now

^vibe
January 8th, 2072.
The Midnight Court - Wewelsburg, Álfheimr
"I had no expectation of being crowned." Princess Kyōko looked towards the crowd of Alfr nobility which had amassed itself in the great hall of the Midnight Court. Excluding the Princess, who stood just in front of the Night King's Throne, the nobility made up of nearly all conquered people remained quiet as the Princess continued to speak - the shock of recent events emanating throughout the room. "And yet death of my uncle...has come as a shock."
The court was somber, the lights dim - only a few skylights pointed towards the Princess whose Golden crown had only just been placed on her head by the same woman who had coronated her Uncle all those years ago. The flags which had once flown as a symbol of the Aesir, now remained furled, awaiting to be revealed as the once Japanese Princess, continued to speak.
"In the years since my Uncle's coronation, our Aesir, has led you all to the well of prosperity, happiness, and security. Under his auspices rule, under the Night King's watchful gaze, you people...you all...have been so very lucky. So very lucky to have survived this long." Gasps from the crowd where audible as members of the Valkyrie of the 1st Sturmtruppen marched into the Great Hall, those members of the Elite Imperial Guard whose loyalty lay only with the Aesir. "Under the former Aesir, you have been...blinded by a shroud of darkness from true enlightenment. The failures of this Imperial Might, whose forces once so easily marched West across France and conquered Western Europe, come from your blind faith in my Uncle. You have been bested in a Gothic War which saw the needless deaths of so many of the Aesir's Chosen. And yet you cry out for more conflict?"
The new Aesir could see the daggers as she looked out at the crowd, as her words struck the very heart of the Alfheim's Imperial Center. From the corner of her eye, she could barely make out one figure leaving the Hall, shooting an icy yet aware glance towards the Throne, however, now was no time to stop, she had a mission here.
"At every step, your former ruler...has ensured that the entire weight of the world would come crashing down on his Empire. Even now, you face a rebellion in Italy, and the possibility of war in the outer colonies of Svartálfar and Mexico. And if not for the idleness of the great Goliath of Eastern Europe your very homeland would have most assuredly been lost by now."
By now, only the Æsir's Chosen had remained without reaction. The nobility long in uproar, confusion, and fear as the former second-rate Princess from Japan gave lecture on the future of the Empire.
"You all...I...have never seen throughout history, an Empire so reviled that even my own Father's machinations have gone unheeded by the world." The newly crowned Aesir cared little for choosing her words, knowing that ultimately, they'd have to all bend the knee either way. "Your world has failed, and I am here to save you."
The murmuring of the crowd would have become overwhelming if it was not for the clerics who raised and slammed the ends of their banners on the ground, unfurling the new flag of the Imperial Álfheimr while sending the crowds into a fervor of chanting.
“Long live Æsir!”
“Long live Æsir!”
“Long live Æsir!”
As the Midnight Sun rose over the old world, those nobility knew a new era had begun.

Mombasa, The Union of African Socialist Republics 

vibe

"The Malagasy Terror returns to South Africa, Mexico falls into the grips of Japanese Empire"

Bandung Daily Issued January 31st, 2072 - 12:00 Mombasa, The Union of African Socialist Republics
MOMBASA - As the world continues to feel the shockwaves from the death of former imperialist dictator Dederick Lohengrin, it has been confirmed that the Malagasy Terror otherwise known as Japanese Rear Admiral Sentaro Omori has been confirmed as the new Imperial Governor of Marley. According to reports from the Japanese Minister of Foreign Affairs Kamisato Ayaka, the handover of South Africa represents the 16th Imperial Administrative Zone of the ever growing Japanese Empire. Likewise, according to reports coming out of the JIIA - Rear Admiral Takagi Daisuke has been named Imperial Governor of Azteca (known globally as Mexico), as the newest and 17th Imperial Colony. The news has forced the resurfacing of existing fears within the UASR, and by extension broader Bandung Pact as to ongoing colonialism by the Japanese Empire which has despite its claim to "isolation", come to control vast swathes of the globe.
The annexation of South Africa, or rather, the repeated annexation of South Africa by Japan showcases the ongoing Imperial ambitions of a Japan which has frequently been known to break the conventions on human rights with its rumors of prison camps and genocide. Now following the death of the former Aesir of Alfheim who himself was a scourge on the continent of Africa, Japan has only further pushed the boundaries of its Imperial borders, using the second born Princess Kyōko as a way of wrestling control over the once antagonistic German Empire. While the hand-over of the Alfr's two most valued colonies was ostensibly done under the pretense of the possibility of outright war from a Bandung Pact led liberation of either South Africa or Mexico, experts across the Globe have come to other theories.
Specifically, experts within the UASR have begun theorizing that the recent withdrawal of the Alfheim from its Imperial ambitions, is largely, due to the possibility of an ongoing internal conflict between various factions within the Alfheimr Empire - namely, it is believed that there are several dissenting factions attempting to wrestle control out of Japanese hands. While outright war seems unlikely, the possibility of conflict cannot be understated as [Kyrr Von Lohengrin](), the Æsir's Chosen, and Danubian Habsburgs have been seen far more frequently in official affairs - while Alfheimr military assets appear to be on the constant move. While it is believed that much of the Aesir's non-Human population has as dictated by central processing units in both Wewelsburg, Berlin, and Paris been accepting of the new Æsir, more complex androids like the Æsir's Chosen and the vast majority of the religiously indoctrinated human population is rumored to be far less tolerant of both the official explanation of the Æsir's death and of the new ruling Æsir. Ultimately, while most experts believe outright conflict to be unlikely, some like those within the INC (GIGAS), have begun to whisper about the possibility of coming conflict.

For the Republic, Part Five: Born is the Fourth

Rare are the times that Kyrr von Lohengrin, former Imperial Vizikong of North Amerika and Minister of Foreign Affairs had found himself in this office. Its white walls, mirroring those of the exterior, was one of the few buildings permitted to be rebuilt in the wake of the Third Republic's destruction. And yet here he was all the same, the slow ticking of a grandfather clock in the corner the only audible noise that could be heard even with his enhanced hearing. Not even the breathing of the man sitting at the restored Resolute Desk was enough to break Kyrr out of his state of shock. It was only when the man and his hulking frame spoke, that Kyrr's attention drifted back to the present.
"I once sat where you are now." President Armstrong who had once betrayed the Third Republic mused as he stared down the nimble looking Alfr. "I offered your King a Kingdom, and look at him now...laying in dirt.
If not for the desperation of Kyrr's current situation, he would have ordered this so-called President's execution for disrespecting the Aesir.
"And for that matter, look at you, you proud Alfr who once strode in here so high and mighty declaring a new world order. You know? Katherine might have been right...hahaha." Armstrong spat out his tobacco as he leaned back in his chair, resting his legs on the desk. "Your worse than us now, at least we never lost our homes."
The disdain in Armstrong's voice was palpable, as his baritone voice echoed throughout the office. Kyrr could barely hide his own contempt, and disgust at what was nothing more than a sub-human caveman lecturing to one of the Aesir's closest confidants.
"And now, as those Jap fucks stretch their god damn Midnight Sun across Europe...you come to me, Papa Armstrong for help." Armstrong's face broke into a wicked smile; violence, rage, and hatred spewing from his eyes. "Well your in luck, kid. Because you've come to a land where the people are free, there is no slate to wipe because I've already burned the fucking thing to the ground."
"Look, I'm not here for a monologue. We both have things we can off-...."
"Shut the fuck up and sit there, quietly. You came here for whatever I can offer, not the other way around." Armstrong's smile only continued to widen as it reached comedically lengths. "And as I said, your in luck, because I can offer you a place in my new America. People will die, and kill, and you can be one of the killers."
Kyrr continued to stare at the American whose smile literally reached from ear to ear.
"So...whaddya think?"

Warsaw, The Commonwealth 

vibe

"Fall Dämmerung and the Álfheimr Civil War"

CNN (Commonwealth) Issued October 16th, 2072 - 12:00 Warsaw, The Commonwealth
PARIS - As the Black Fleet lay smoldering at the bottom of the Atlantic, the Global Interoperable Guarantee for Allied Support has announced the end of the Álfheimr Civil War which had started in the late Spring of 2072. While the ACW had begun largely due to factional disputes on an internal level within Imperial Álfheimr government following the coronation of the new Æsir, too most experts, it didn't officially begin until the secession of what is now informally known as the "Republic of New Álfheimr". The New Republic which exists in an unrecognized status (by Imperial Japan, the INC, and GIGAS at large), is now formally made up of the "Imperial Dominion of Amerika" which was the former Third American Republic before its conquest by the late Greater Aryan Empire (GAE). The secession of America was allegedly brought about by an alliance between certain Dederick Lohengrin loyalists including Kyrr von Lohengrin, alongside Steven Armstrong the titular "Governor" of the American colony. While the Civil War had originally been fought solely between the Imperial Álfheimr under the recently crowned Æsir Kyōko and Kyrr's New Republic, the follow-up secession of Danubia from the Imperial Álfheimr quickly brought new levels of severity - forcing GIGAS's hand and involvement.
The secession of Danubia under the command of Ferdinand Habsburg, as advised by Gloria von Habsburg led to the creation of "The Grand Imperium of Europa", a new so-called Empire claiming to be the true successors of the Greater Aryan Empire. To even greater surprise however, it would appear that the Danubian secession was supported by the O-5 Council and broader Æsir Chosen including "The Advisor, Commander, and Mother" among others. This was a major blow to Æsir Kyōko's legitimacy, and additionally led to a significant loss of human manpower within the Imperial Álfheimr which coupled with the creation of Kyrr's Republic - undoubtedly forced Álfheimr's call for aide.
These events ultimately led to a "forced peace" between the Imperial Álfheimr which is ostensibly still "independent" from the Empire of Japan, the Republic of New Álfheimr, and Grand Imperium of Europa by GIGAS through the destruction of the feuding Black Fleet in the Atlantic operated by the Republic of New Álfheimr. At the same time however, efforts by the Bandung Pact and Eastern Union to capitalize on these events have largely fallen flat - as crises in Israel, Kaabu, and even Eastern Siberia have led to a new level of unprecedented global tension. Nevertheless, while a tacit "white peace" currently exists between the three "Álfheimr successor states", none are certain that such a peace will hold even under GIGAS oversight.

CLAIM REVEAL: THE POST-ALFHEIM STATES (MAP)

The Grand Imperium of Europa

• DETAILS
• Head of State: Ferdinand Habsburg
  • Other Important Characters (meta control)
  • Gloria von Habsburg
  • The Æsir's Chosen (those otherwise not listed under the RNA)
• Population: 203,994,000
• Claim Starting Allotments (IE. Special Starting Scenario)
  • Claimant receives special/secret information at the start of the Campaign

Things to Consider
The Grand Imperium of Europa is unique in its existence as a fortress state among fortress states, nestled in the heart of Central Europe and shielded from the broader "Japanese Alfheim" (Berlin/Paris, etcetera), the Grand Imperium claims not only to be the true successor of the GAE - but has in many ways, the military might to back it up. Having retained much of the human-based military, and significant portions of the non-human army as well, its only lack is in naval capability.
The Grand Imperium like the RNA also has the benefit of having total access to the Alfheim technology base (anything Tion, Eagan, 8th, etcetera posted). At the same time however, while starting at "peace" with the other Alfr successors and neighbors, the Grand Imperium must be careful as overt aggression against Imperial Alfheim may incur Japanese intervention - although, this is not assured by any means. However due to the ACW, it will likely take 1-2 years to rebuild the ability to produce more.
The Grand Imperium of Europa represents a strong, mid-level claim in a precarious yet flexible geopolitical starting position.

The Imperial Protectorate of the Italian Social Republic

• DETAILS
• Head of State: Player Choice
  • Other Important Characters (meta control)
  • None - Player freedom available
• Population: 94,964,006
• Claim Starting Allotments (IE. Special Starting Scenario)
  • Begins under the protection of the NPC "Imperial Alfheimr"

Things to Consider
The Imperial Protectorate of the Italian Social Republic begins in the unique position of being forgotten in large part by its recent conquerors, and having seen rebuilding investment under the deceased Aesir. The claim ostensibly has multiple factions but players must be cautious as the wrong move to quickly might see the gaze of Imperial Alfheimr or possibly the Grand Imperium of Europa (among other claims) turn towards either putting down a rebellion or imperial conquest.
The Imperial Protectorate of the Italian Social Republic has access to all Alfheim technology, and thanks to the rebuilding investment - has the ability to produce all of it.

The Republic of New Álfheimr

• DETAILS
• Head of State: Steven Armstrong
  • Other Important Characters (meta control)
  • Kyrr von Lohengrin (Former Foreign Affairs Minister under Dederick)
  • Ingel Faedryk (Former Reichsfuhrer-SS under Dederick)
  • Svipul von Lohengrin (Former Imperial Spymaster under Dederick)
• Population: 143,863,000
• Claim Starting Allotments (IE. Special Starting Scenario)
  • Has access to large portions of in-production Alfheimr military equipment (refer to Tion's posts) - Continental European in-production units largely destroyed unless in NPC territories.
  • Has a secret alliance with certain NPC claims (informed to the player)

Things to Consider
The Republic of New Álfheimr while a democracy, still considers itself the true successor to Dederick von Lohengrin, and has the geographic, military, and economic position to be immediately independent should its cards be played correctly. They are the strongest military of the three main successors, and similarly have a strong geopolitical starting position, alongside a network of secret diplomatic alliances.
The RNA is in a unique position to quickly assert itself as an independent state, having inherited the same technology base as the Grand Imperium - but in greater existing asset quantities. The RNA also has a large portion of the former GAE's "android" soldiers - making for a lethal and incredibly loyal army right out of the gates.

ALFHEIM CLAIMS MILITARY SPLIT

Questions please send on discord through private messages or comment on this post.

A conversation with a few friends of mine some skins have certain audiences to them and certain people will pick them more than others that's just the nature of people, and sometimes these people can be fit into certain groups, and certain stereotypes which is also nature of people. So I will be talking about these stereotypes, with 4-8 champs at a time depending on how many skins they have, starting with- Not androxus- but some general skin types etc.
Let me start off by saying that stereotypes are broad, and over generalized by nature, and not everyone is the same we're not Buzz Lightyear here, at the very least these are meant for fun.

Basic Recolours

The recolours you can buy for gold often attract semi-new players those that got the champions they like and often will spend "extra" gold on recolours.
They're most likely new at the game, or at the very least their champion.
Certain recolours will be brought up again per champion if they add anything different or have a different stereotype.

System Recolours/Promotional Recolours

So these guys probably are more likely to be even newer than the basic recolours since they got them from linking accounts or following/subscribing to different social media and all that.

Mastery/Gold Skins

Assuming it's gold they're probably confident in their skill with a champion and want to display that, but with the obsidian and cosmic ones they tend to be the same as basic and promotional recolours.

Invitational/Event Recolours

Okay so we're done with recolours after this I promise but often these are old school players, often ignoring the actual quality of skins to more say that's when they were around.

Hats

Hats are kinda the same as the event/invitation recolours but they can also be found on new players who got the hat from a chest, in general if they have a proper skin they'll dump these for the skin so at the very least that leaves semi experienced players who finds the frog hat more funny than they do the cowboy cool.

Androxus

It's fair to say that Android is the poster boy of paladins and since he's relatively old he's got a lot of skins over the years and he's got quite the audience, I mean really he's the guy they show on the splash art of the game like imagine little Timmy seeing his older brother playing Androgenous "Who's the cool guy with the revolver and horns?" And his brother is like "That's my main Abolitionist" and then next game Timmy is playing Angrosist.
And they're very against nerfs every time pretending it'll kill Ambrosia and every time he's just fine maybe the fact he's got a solid baseline kit means he's not struggling when nerfs come knocking. Either way it doesn't stop the complaints.
Often Anglo (Okay the bits running thin) players take themselves seriously, whether you should depends, and depends alot. But he does inevitably attract edgelords, assholes, and blowhards.

Exalted

Exalted Andros tend to hold themselves in high regard but at the same time tend to suck, they bought this skin since it was cheap and with it are often not that great.

Imperator

So imperator is basically the same as exalted in looks but it does have the caveat that it's actually not as readily available which means someone has to make a active choice to run this, these guys are pretty much more for simplicity and class over complexity and fancy stuff, this means you'll see them play pretty good Andro where they'll stick to the stuff that works rather than flashy montage worthy stuff, they can do these but they more prefer understated competency over flashy nonsense.

Screech

This is a hat that actually has a stereotype since it's not apart of a chest it's from the deal of the day that makes a difference to who is using it. These guys are mostly raging blowhards, they think they're gods at the game but they're not as good as they believe, like antlers they say crap but not enough to get banned. This changes to just normal tryhards when they get their hands on shattermaw, almost every Andro with this skin and shattermaw are more interested in shitting on you and moving on to the next, they really only do really good in casuals without comms, but they can get work done in ranked.

Cangaceiro

Okay so this guy either uses the Shatter Maw and same deal as Screech Andro's or they run they Huntsman's gun and if you get to talk to them in a party or something they'll cry about how the pirate skins in Paladins Strike aren't ported over to paladins. It's weird and it's specific. They do tend to be nicer and less serious than Screech Andros.

Huntsman

These are the most average Andro's in existence, they certainly exist but they're not too interesting all considering. They're not bad or good, or particularly toxic or nice or anything like that, they just exist.

Steam Demon

I mean there's a Young Frankenstein joke to be made here. But Andro's running the steam demon skin tend to be uptight and expect people to carry their own weight... Of course the chance they tend to mess up they go silent, they're not rude perse but they sure do expect a lot.

Fallen

These are the guys who listened to Nightcore- Angel with a shotgun too much and will be very melodramatic, and tend to be almost always a downer for the team, they do clutch up though so something to be said.

Battlesuit Godslayer

No one really uses this skin if they have others, really this skin doesn't sell the gundam vibes the others do maybe it's because of his waistcost flowing back there but really he just looks like a guy in a robot suit

Steelforged/Dragonforged

These Andros are just as dramatic as Fallen Andros but they seem to be in on the joke and often will more be self aware, they will be playing like some viking bagpipe metal music so it's not all good with them.

Avatar

These guys probably blame their support and will unironically quots the skin, not realizing it's making fun of them. They also probably are tickled by the fact it looks likr a Xbox 360

Modded

Now often with battlepass skins their recolours are basically the same stereotype normally but for Modded these guys have basically brain rotten themselves down to the same level with their obsession with RGB lights.

Exterminate

Yeah another skin no one uses really, unless they're really interested in the cat in his backpack otherwise it's just not really a great skin since it's just a guy in a dragon ball z kai uniform without the cool ass powers and literal royalty free music.

Grave Danger

This is Kinda like omen it's not as self aware but it's hard to take this skin more seriously than default and these guys tend to be chill but it's a newer skin so it's not exactly like there's room to have a stereotype yet, which is fair but still other skins still have stereotypes that formed same day as their release.

Golden

Now it's rare that a gold skin that doesn't change something about a character shows up but this is widespread since every Andro on earth who runs this will almost always have a bloated ego, whether it's 50 or 550 these guys are super quick to be offended and will tunnel the shit out of you for just about anything.

Ash

Ash is weirdly uncommon despite being free, probably because everyone is running at point with her and she basically loses that engagement to every proper point tank, she is a offtank first and foremost after all.
As for stereotypes there is a few thing that I've noticed with Ash's (Ashes? Ashs? Ash players) First is if they're running the default voice pack even with other skins they're definitely offtanking.
And another oddity is the Ash mains that have more than one skin tend to never properly match their weapons and skins up, it's weird but every other Ash main I see runs a different weapon and skin.

Heirloom Crest

So I bring this hat up because unlike anyone else with a hat skin no one wears this, honestly it should just come with a different version of Ronin but really this is the exception to the hatskin rule, these guys are just new players who got it from a chest and felt justified in using it because they spent crystals on a chest.

Ronin

Ronin Ash players kinda just suck, it can be a matter of many different things as to why these guys struggle, they could suck at shooting people, they could be bad at positioning, trying to point tank, they're using their abilities at shit times, they could be great with all of that and still they'll have a terrible deck and talents.
These guys just suck

Xenobuster

Xenobuster Ash players tend to run into fights they shouldn't and lose, this more or less comes from the overuse of shoulder bash, otherwise they're probably running knock back spam, they're most likely to be found on TDM Throne or Abyss trying to wait around corners to throw you off. They will go spastic if you buy sentinel.

Street Style

These guys are meatheats, they're less interested in actually capturing the point and more just want teamfights, the objective and space are biproducts, as such you'll see these guys with really selfish buys, and decks, and they'll steal kills with slugshot, they're not doing it intentionally but they are rude.

Ska'Drin

Ska'Drin Ash players often properly play Ash as offtank and for the most part are good sports, it's nice enough at least when these guys are working with you, they will probably ask for someone to point tank while they do their thing.

Scorned

Another recolour with a different stereotype, these guys are also playing Ash as offtanks but their also raging assholes, and will bitch and moan from just about anything, whether it's their fault or not they'll yell at their team, though at the same time they are probably making space, and do their job well enough

Draconian Huntress

As mentioned earlier Ash mains tend to be rather rare, and the amount of people who'd go out of their way for this skin is rarer, these guys pretty much are guaranteed to be Ash mains or at the very least skin collectors. As for gameplay it's hard to say since I've seen like 4 people use this skin

Atlas

Atlas mains are pretty much obsessed with telling you they're Atlas mains it's like telling people you don't play fortnite or something. Like good on you mate, but I and I'm pretty sure most of the world don't really care. Skill ranges wildly and skins for the most part don't really change that.

Chronomancer

So uh this skin no one uses, you'll more likely find a Atlas running default with this Skin's gun, it's weird it's specific and I have no idea why it's like this... Oh yeah because Atlas looks awful without a beard.

Legionnaire

So Legionnaire Atlas is kinda a situation like Grave Danger Andro mostly because the skin again looks kind of goofy, though for the effort put into it, it's at least nice. Still these guys take themselves just as seriously as the skin does.

Corrupt/Vile

Most of these guys just suck like sure there's bound to be a good Corrupt or Vile Atlas out there but every one I've seen just sucks. It's a bloody shame since they're nice skins.

Azaan

Azaan doesn't really have too many skins to talk about but at the same time most people aren't exactly Azaan mains he's kind of a back pocket kind of champion.

Forgemaster

These guys actually main Azaan, and they're quick to get defensive on why they pick the shirtless Azaan skin

Dark Drake

I don't get how anyone understands this skin, it's so garbled and just nonsense, there's no real stereotype but I did find out that this skin has the same voice actor as Freddy Fazbear...

Barik

Again Barik mains are a rarity and, nost of the time I only really see last/bottom picks grabbing Barik and doing really nothing all game but cry about their team not carrying them.

Hi-Tek/Stonecut

If a champion has access to their pre-reworks skins and in general just older skins they're often on the cheaper side and really are just bought by newbies due to this, that's really it outside of the odd end nastolgia tripper.

Team Fortress 2

So you get this skin in a way that's similar to promotional recolours, and it's more or less exclusive to steam, it's a safe bet that a TF2 Barik is new at the game and on steam, that's it.

Swashbuckler

Pirate skins often invite people into running teams of pirates skins, outside of that Swashbuckler Bariks tend to more or less the point jockey they live on the point they die on the point.

Steel/Dragon Forged Barik

This guy listens to diggy diggy hole and probably runs some stupid deck that relies on a gimmick these guys are here for fun and will probably do something cool, maybe?

Betty

Betty is new-ish and so she only has the one skin, Betty kinda is the easy version of both Willo and Dredge without the impact of either, this means Betty attracts bad players.

Dragonette

Bowsette meme aside this is Betty's only real skin and so it's kinda broad to say anything but I assume once she gets something else it'll attract... A certain audience.
So yeah 5 champs, feel free to suggest anything for future champions I'll probably see or agree with them.

Preamble

This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post so bear with me. I am going to get into boons, arcana cards, vows, and weapon/equipment choice in this post and how I eventually was able to clear the underworld at 32 fear. All of this is in context of the build I am going for and the weapon I am using. Different vows, cards, etc. may be better for different weapons and playstyles. This is not a definitive guide and I have only beaten it once so far and by sticking to one weapon during my attempts. I enjoy writing about stuff like this and hope that this can possibly help y'all.
I finished the surface on my 23rd run and then the underworld on the next for reference. I just now cleared the underworld at 32 fear on my 143rd run. Of those between were me completing testaments, trying out weapons/aspects, and chaos trials. I attempted 32 fear a total of 36 times before I finally got it. Total in game time according to steam is 74 hours lol (I had a four day weekend and my gf is out of town so this is pretty much all I did).
Proof of run

Weapon/Aspect: Momus Staff

Firstly you want to get enough resources to unlock and fully upgrade the aspect, I think 10 total nightmare? Giving your special +30 power. I wouldn't bother 32 fear until you can get it all the way up.
For a few runs while I was using the skull with Melinoe/Persephone aspect, as I was trying to complete the 20 fear testament simultaneously. Stopped since I decided I wasn't really comfortable with the skull and switched to Melinoe's staff. Did that for a while and then saw this video and decided to give the Momus staff a shot, where i then won in 7 runs after switching. It also probably helped that I changed around some vows around this time, more on that later.
Watch the video for a breakdown but essentially you want Poseidon special + legendary boon, and ideally the double moonshot hammer that gives your special 2 more projectiles that seek. He switches his binds for left and right click but I did not, up to you.
Took a minute to get used to but essentially I just spammed speciall the entire time in fights, kiting enemies when necessary. I used my cast defensively to root enemies and create space mostly until I got a 3 specific boons, more later. Did not really use omegas at all, as I turned off the magick regen card and turned on the vow that removes your magick at the start of each encounter. If I did gain some magick, I would only use it for the omega special to regain some health when it was safe in fights (5 healing if you are near it when it explodes).

Arcana Cards

This is what I used but some may find other ones more to their liking. I will explain my choices below. Be sure to upgrade these to their max potential. The descriptions that I give are referencing their maxed out bonus. I almost exclusively used my charon cards (obol points) to order 8 moon dust in the camp to upgrade faster. Also having 30 grasp is required so be sure to get that maxed out too. Just playing the game should get you there. Gathering bones and completing minor prophecies are helpful in getting more moondust and nightmare faster to upgrade your cards and aspects. I have starred the one's that I think are almost absolutely necessary.
Arcana card choices
I. The Sorceress: Not using omega moves with this build for the most part, mainly chosen to just fill out the top row to awaken the divinity card.
II. The Wayward Son: +2 health (with 50% healing reduction from a vow) is definitely helpful, some much needed passive healing.
* III. The Huntress: +50% attack and special damage when you have less than 100 magick is probably a must have. Especially in my vows set up where I pretty much never have any magick.
IV. Death: Also to just fill out the row for divinity, not really using omega moves.
* V. The Messenger: +10% dodge chance is a lifesaver.
VII. The Titan: More health (and magick) is helpful for the early game before you get any centaur hearts.
* X. The Lovers: 0 damage from bosses for 3 hits is absolutely nuts, this was a whole keepsake in the last game. Attacks that miss you from dodge or daze from Apollo don't count towards a hit as well.
XI. The Swift Runner: Just generally helpful for kiting and running around, especially with increased enemy movement from a vow.
* XII. Eternity: 3 death defiances are absolutely essential probably in any playthrough unless you are a god at not getting hit ever.
* XVIII. Origination: Enemies with 2 curses take +50% damage is fantastic and helps to absolutely shred through them
* XXII. The Champions: 3 chances to reroll boon choices among other things is pretty much a must for run consistency. I would mainly use it on my first Poseidon boon to get the special. Would also use again to try and get slip or blast damage one or legendary from him, also on Hestia to get her cast or the one that allows you to aim the cast (both possible prerequisites for their duo boon, more later).
XXIII. The Artificer: I slept on this one big time at first until I saw someone using it in a 32 heat run on youtube. Change a minor reward into a major one 3 times is fantastic and really helps in the early game. I would use all 3 in the first region for a chance to get a pom, heart, gold, boon, or hammer. I would almost put this one as a must but you do you.
XXIV. Divinity: 20% extra chance to get an epic boon. Activated by the full top row, its just nice to have to possibly get some more benefits out of boons.
Alternatives: Like I mentioned before I only activate I and IV mainly to activate divinity. You could lose them and go for IX Night (automatic charging for your hex) or XVI The Fates (+3 rolls to change location rewards). I feel like hexes are not all that impactiful personally (except for a couple). Also changing location rewards is a toss up, meh. You could also lose XI extra sprint speed to to open up 5 grasp and go for XV Stength (take and deal more damage at low hp), XVII The Boatman (get more gold at the start of the run), or XIX Excellence (higher % for rare boons offered), which all have valid arguments. In hindsight I think giving up those 3 for Stregnth or Excellence might be worth it, might try in future runs.

Oath of the Unseen Vows

Throughout my runs I experimented a lot with the various choices and found that the ones I chose are best for how I play. It is really up to you, this is just how I did it. I mostly messed around with damage taken, enemy spawns, and health, the rest pretty much stayed constant. I originally was using the 9 minute time limit per region for a majority of my runs until I switched aspects (and the 7 minute several times). I eventually decided that I was playing too aggresively to beat the clock and would lose most of, if not all my death defiances by Tartarus/Chronos, or earlier. I did still have decent amount of time to beat Chronos if I got there with the time limit, just the health and death defiance loss was too much. Here is what I went with and explanations for each, I starred the ones I think should be kept on and are relatively easy to deal with.
Vows Used
Vow of Blood (+3): Just don't get hit duh. No but seriously +60% damage to you hurts, a lot. I really wish I did not have to use this, but the alternatives I think are worse. As you play more you'll get better and learn attack patterns and how to kite effectively.
Vow of Dominance (+3): Enemies now have +30% health which is rough, but with no time limit, just take your time in killing enemies off safely.
Vow of Rebuke (+2): Enemies have 2 barriers before they can take damage, not too bad. Makes clearing enemies a bit harder, but with the poseidon boon, you apply two instances of damage with each hit. So only one special shot with the boon will clear the barrier, also the wave the shoots out of them helps to clear barriers of the other enemies.
Vow of Fury (+3): Enemies are 20% faster (and their projectiles too?! I'm pretty sure this is the case, I haven't played without it in a while so I'm not exactly sure). This one took some getting used to, not much I can say except just keep trying. Another +3 makes them 40% faster which I do not recommend. The screaming shades, wolves and their heads, thorny spinny guys in Oceanus, rats, and Chronos are all insane with 40% extra speed.
Vow of Suffering (+2): +100% for the first hit you take in each encounter. Same as Vow of Blood, its rough, wish I could go without it as well.
Vow of Commotion (+3): 60% more foes in encounters (does not affect the boss summons). Had this one a tier or two lower, or not at all, when I was experimenting with the time limit. The AOE from Poseidon definely helps here, just take your time to clear out enemies. It can get pretty bad in tartarus with the bags and skulls everywhere though so just be careful.
Vow of Haunting (+2): Enemies have 50% of spawning a revenant when killed which if left alone long enough will respawn them. These are annoying as hell but not terrible once you get used to it. On death a flaming green skull thing launches out of them and travels a bit of a distance, just run ovecollect them and they are negated, don't need to damage or whatever. Can sometimes be hard to spot if behind a wall or obstacle. Overall not that bad, its not the end of the world if you let them respawn. Definitely though go for the ones that would respawn an enemy that are hard/annoying to deal with ASAP e.g. rat spawning satyrs, wolves, any projectile shooting enemy. Sometimes I feel like rats almost always spawn a revenant which is annoying. I honestly think they should also rework this so that if an enemy respawns it can't have another revenant spawn.
* Vow of Wandering (+3): 25% chance for enemies to be from the next region. Really not that bad at all, just have to deal with some more annoying enemies with larger health pools.
Vow of Scars (+2): Healing is only 50% effective is not that bad. You only get +2 healing passively from the card now and a lot less from fountains and such, goes hand in hand with blood and suffering, you'll get better at not getting hit.
* Vow of Destitution (+2): Charon's shop (and wells) are 80% more expensive. You'll miss out some boons, healing, poms, hearts, etc. but its not awful, you will still gain a good amount of gold to usually buy a boon or something at the end of each region except Oceanus I found. Also with Poseidon in your god pool, he has some boons that can help with getting more gold like minor find doubling up, increased value of minor finds, and sunken treasure.
* Vow of Panic (+1): No more magick at the start of each encounter. In this build you don't really need it anyways so this is a freebie point of fear pretty much. Also if you decide to have the card that regens magick on it pretty much negates it after a little while.
** Vow of Forsaking (+2): This one might actually be beneficial. The two boon options you don't pick will not longer show up in your run. This is why I have the boon rerolls on, so I can guarantee to get Poseidon special on my first boon. Otherwise this helps to increase your chances of getting legendary or duo boons (if you have the prerequisites) since the boon choice pool is lowered after each pick. It is unfortunate though if both prereqs for poseidons legendary are in the given choices and you are out of rolls though.
* Vow of Arrogance (+4): Prime 10 magick for each level of rarity above common that you pick. Again, not using magick hardly in this build so doesn't really matter. Also in lower fear runs I have used this, it does not really matter all that much even when you are using omega moves.
Unused:

• Vow of Bitterness: Replace the first boon reward of each region with an onion (does not affect shop boons or trial of the gods rooms if they are the first ones you encounter). I tried this many times but it really just worsened run consistency. Also w a keepsake equipped after Erebus to guarantee a certain god's boon, that would become an onion if it was the first one I found, and then would not encounter that god again in that region.
• Vow of Desperation: Time limits for regions: 9, 7, then 5 minutes with increased fear for each increase in tier. Like I said, I stopped playing with this so I could play more carefully.
• Vow of Abandon: Negate all your arcana cards. Insane. Tried it once, it is just too much, the arcana cards are absolutely necessary I feel to clear 32 fear.

Boons/Hammers/Keepsakes/Familiar

Poseidon: Equip his keepsake at start, reroll for wave flourish (special) if needed and rarify. Afterwards look for slippery slope then crashing wave ideally. This primes you to get his legendary which gives +150% damage from splash effects to bosses. Other great ones are double up which is nuts that it can possibly double your hearts, gold, and poms you pick up. Ocean's bounty is nice to increase gold. Water fitness is pretty good if you can get 4 water elements to give you +100 health. Flood control is also nice for damage reduction.
Hestia: Equip her keepsake after Erebus if you did not already get her in your god pool (you get up to 4 gods like in Hades I). Ideally you want her both cast and glowing coal, which lets you aim your cast. Either of which in combination with slippery slope gets you access to Poseidon/Hestia duo boon scalding vapor whcih does insane damage over time. I'm not sure if you should prioritize glowing coal over her cast honestly, both have their upsides alone, but you do want both hopefully. With glowing coal so you can aim your cast since you will be fighting from a distance mostly (not always but in how I played this build I did for the most part), which can activate the steam cloud on foes with slip. Hestia cast is less safe and you need to be closer to enemies to get the steam cloud to activate, but it does more damage, continously applying steam on the enemy. Other boons like soot sprint are nice, almost like Athena's dash in the first game. Slow cooker infusion is alright but you may not get many fire elements to increase your base damage power. Flammable coating is great and helps to melt through armored enemies. Burnt offering is pretty nice to increase you health (and magick) pool if you happen to get offered to sacrifice a useless boon.
Other helpful god boons: Pretty much anything that can help apply another curse to enemies. Demeter and Aphrodite are probably the best since theirs are easy to apply without much effort like frigid sprint, gale force, glamour gain, and passion dash. The other gods require secondary boons to get a curse or your attack/special needs to give the curse, you won't really ever be using your attack and your special is reserved for Poseidon.
Hammers: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I remember in Hades I if you chose a specific hammer you would be locked out of other hammer choices that affect the benefitting move. If the same applies to this game avoid picking a hammer that affects your special for your first hammer if it is not double moonshot, and hope for it on your second hammer. The DPS from Momus staff is still great with spamming special without it (I won my run without it). You could also go ahead and pick up rapid moonfire or shimmering moonshot on your first one because they are pretty powerful too, and I also may be wrong about the hammer exclusion thing.
Keepsakes: So of course Poseidon first, always. Hestia second if you don't get her in your god pool Erebus. Up to you and what you like for Oceanus, maybe choose Demeter or Aphrodite. If I got Hestia I would generally use any one of the following:

• Engraved pin
• Gold Purse
• White Antler
• Crystal Figurine
• Silken Sash
• Aromatic Phial (be sure to pick it up before using the fountain)
• Experimental Hammer
• Transcendent Embryo

Once in the mourning fields I would typically go with the Lion Fang, or possibly one of the above maybe. Lastly in Tartarus I would either use Knuckle Bones (if I felt comfortable with my health and death defiances), Luckier Tooth, or Evil Eye (if Chronos killed me last).
Sidenote: Is Echo bugged? Or is my game just messed up? I was never given the chance to give her a gift so I've never gotten her keepsake :(
Familiar Toula: Sorry Frinos, but Toula is just superior. She gives you an extra death defiance which when upgraded fully gives you 40 health on death. Also upgrading her attack lets her attack more times before she takes a little catnap (cute). She does 99 damage with each strike which is not insignificant. You don't need to go out of your way to sprint over her whenever she is resting to activate her, if she happens to be where you are running it is just some nice extra little bit of DPS. She has actually killed a few bosses for me in my runs lol.

The Winning Run

So all of this information is from finally beating 32 fear. I followed this strategy in my head for the most part. I ended up not getting double moonshot, but did get rapid moonfire. Poseidon offered me both prereqs for his legendary in the same choice without any rerolls left unfortunately, chose slip of course. I did get the duo boon and both of Hestia's cast boons which was nuts. Also I got rare crop right after I got Poseidon's special so it became heroic by the end. I also got offered to sacrifice rare crop after it became heroic by hestia to get more health, and I was then offered it again at epic rarity which increased 3 other of my boons which happened to hit Hestia's cast boons. I did not get any other way to apply another curse other than slip unfortunately as well. Started Tartarus with 2 or 3 death defiances + luckier tooth and beat Chronos on my last life. Overall though, not a perfect run but it still worked. Would have been even more nuts if I got the right hammer, legendary, and another curse effect

TL;DR

Momus Staff good. More special projectiles hammer + Poseidon special + legendary + Poseidon/Hestia duo = nuts DPS. Arcana cards important, vows are tough.

Within days of the Synde Co. vs Hawks Co. war erupting, I predicted on this subreddit that Hawks was going to demolish Synde. Many folks ridiculed me, as Hawks appeared to be losing. From all outside perspectives, the constant collapse of farms was indicating Hawks was indeed going to lose. However, this was never the case.

1. Zero sum game.

Within the global economy (and competitive video games too), personnel are a zero sum game. There are only so many professionals in our world and corporations compete for them. This oftentimes means highly educated people in developing nations will end up leaving for wealthier developed nations. This is to the detriment of those developing nations.
The same exists in wormholes.
Elite groups oftentimes have their pick of candidates. They can be selective. Once someone meets their criteria, they can allow time to see if they fit the general culture of the group. If they create a little too much friction, they're booted. This leads to a generally cohesive group. So, envision if you will, a giant funnel with the very narrowest of necks. This narrow neck represents the top wormhole groups being fed the best wormholers in the game.
Lazerhawks was established 10 years ago from the merger of several already existing successful wormhole and low sec groups. They have had their pick of the best wormholers for a decade, on top of some of the best wormholers establishing them.

2. Where do the players go?

In wormhole groups, players will oftentimes not even be playing EVE, rather 'other games' together. This is generally due to the variable nature of day-to-day wormhole life. This leads to groups sticking together even during EVE breaks. Also, it creates loyalty beyond the game of EVE Online. When players take long breaks, even from the group, still active group members can still get in contact with them. Oftentimes small sub-groups will have eachother's real phone numbers. This means if a war breaks out, people who have been AFG for years can be quickly re-activated. Many times these players are only active during wartime.
The worst thing a wormhole group could ever do is ban 'other games.'
Lazerhawks has always highly encouraged members playing 'other games' together.

3. The abyss!

People forget how ancient many members of Hawks are. Their CEO has been playing EVE for 20 years. Hawks has quite a few members that have been living in wormholes for as long as wormholes have existed in EVE Online. Hawks has line members that have successfully run independent wormhole groups that subsequently merged with Hawks to form Lazerhawks. Hawks has members that are so old and deep in wormhole space culture, that they've crafted portions of it. People where their entire map of EVE Online is based on wormhole connections.
Each of these sort of members capable of not just operating independently, but with the utmost stealth. I've been told by several Hawks folks that even top Hawks leadership wasn't aware of the independent eviction groups Hawks line members had created for fighting Synde. Imagine, EVE leaders out there, discovering that you're not losing the war nearly as badly as you thought, because several 2-3 person groups had independently started reinforcing and destroying enemy structures? Imagine then also discovering that your enemy is stalling because of these actions?
Ancient players don't need to be told if they can or can't shoot blue targets.
Ancient players don't ask if they can farm while a war is going on.
Ancient players don't ask if the system they found 'is a target.'
Ancient players don't need SRP.
Ancient players won't waste your time with unimportant information.
Ancient players are already on that new incoming signature with a rolling carrier.
Ancient players play EVE by the ancient ways.

4. Kiddie gloves.

Many people aren't aware of this fact; Hawks has been using kiddie gloves for the last couple of years on Synde. After the fall of HK, Hawks stood alone as the supreme masters of wormholes. Synde was starting to become a potential candidate for a new fledgling group, that is until this war started. The issue was, Synde often didn't want to fight Hawks. They would demand handicaps, like being "allowed 30 seconds after jumping into the wormhole" to "get into position." This actually didn't bother Hawks too much, as they simply wanted to fight. The handicaps became more and more extreme, with Synde regularly saying they wouldn't fight unless allowed to set up at (whatever range their comp was ideal at.)
So, all the fights you've seen between Hawks and Synde have effectively been fights where Hawks took major handicaps to make happen.
This created a false sense of strength in Synde. This handicap play actually strengthened Hawks, while weakening Synde. Hawks got to the point where they became more interested in pulling stunts on Synde than actually fighting. One such situation involved a Synde Zirnitra falling for a POS bubble trap and being summararily executed in front of its fleet, which was trying to frantically free itself of warp disruption bubbles.
Once the war started, the kiddie gloves came off. Hawks no longer had to be nice to get fights.

5. Cyrus v. Michael

At the end of the day, failure or success during wartime comes down to how well your organization is prepared. Cyrus thought he was prepared. Honestly, he did a lot of work. He created a narrative, albeit a bit ad hoc when compared to other recorded statements he's made. He created a coalition. He made his best preparations for war, I'm sure. He even had a major null sec group to bat phone, in case of emergency only.
The issue is, Cyrus' relationship with reality is a bit convenient for his personal image. He has been said to have lied to many wormhole leaders in order to start this war, which actually harmed him, quite a bit. I've received many reports on the various lies people have said Cyrus told them to get them to join his Coalition. Trust is a thing that, once broken, is oftentimes impossible to regain.
Michael has the opposite approach of Cyrus. He is sincere and honest to a fault. He's not afraid to express disappointment and praise. You know where you stand with Michael fairly soon after first meeting him. He's a natural delegator and a dedicated farmer. "Why can't you do it?" is his favorite response to anyone complaining about something needing to be done. He's extremely competent, but not smug about it. He's the first to admit when he makes mistakes. He was willing to use some of his credit to barter with his peers to hand over some c6 wormholes Cyrus felt entitled to. C6 holes that Hawks characters likely found, or evicted, themselves.
You see, Michael has created a coalition within Hawks. Hawks has never been a single entity. There are subgroups within Hawks that operate independently. Some of the subgroups are actually more ancient than Hawks. They're more ancient than all but the most ancient null sec alliances. How are you going to kill the morale of members that have been playing together for over 10 years? Those guys aren't going to second-guess who their enemy is for even a second. They've won every war they've been in for 10, 12, 15, or even 20 years!
There's a joke I keep hearing from Hawks Co. members. It's "Synde thought they could take on Lazerhawks, but they couldn't even take on a few of their members."
At the end of the day, this was never going to be a fair fight. Hawks was always going to clobber Synde. While the reasons listed above are major contributing factors to the success of Hawks, it's the basic culture that really makes Hawks so great. Hawks see wormholes as wild. As something you have to earn. Cyrus made it clear he felt entitled to it. He thought it was so obvious that he'd earned a seat at the table, that he was incredulous that he was not offered that seat as a gift.
Cyrus,
The moment you demanded systems be given to you as some sort of prize is the moment you stopped being a wormholer.
You're not losing to Hawks Co, rather, in your hubris you've defeated yourself.
May all future wormholes collapse as you land on them.

I'm giving one of my favorite book series a reread and it's reminded me how interesting the setting of Roshar is. Also it's been some time since I've done a long lasting RP so I'd love to run something in the complex and dangerous world of Roshar.
About me some, you can call me Star. I'm 25, work a 9-5, and all my hobbies are the type of nerd stuff you'd expect. Fantasy, TTRPGs, Warhammer, MTG, all that jazz haha. I'll be writing in 3rd person as I'm DMing and would prefer my partner does the same, and I generally shoot for 3 paragraph responses but that will often change as I really just write whatever needs written. Long responses to set up scenes or explain complicated scenarios, short responses for back and forth conversation and such. I'm sure you get it. I can probably manage a few responses at work but mostly I'll be available between 6pm-2am EST on weekdays. Weekends are totally free for me though.
I'm very open ended for whatever character amd story you may be interested in. It'll be something we can discuss later and don't worry if your knowledge of the setting patchy or nonexistent. I love telling people about one of my favorite book series so if you need me to I'll happily answer any questions you may have.
If you're interested shoot me a DM and we can move over to discord to figure things out. Hope to hear from you all soon!

I’ve not recovered from rebound insomnia since stopping Xanax 2mg for a couple nights in row (a few too many, this is such a fucking sensitive drug it’s annoying asf. A lifesaver but tricky) and I’m fucking EXHAUSTED. I look tired, I am tired, and even willing to give the CPAP another go. I’m waiting for it in the mail. I’m not that old and am usually on Ambien and have went through SO many sleep or sleep type medications. There’s like 5 I haven’t tried and that’s bc they are brand most likely. The only one that I feel really worked for ME, I capitalize the me because my personal peak trouble with my insomnia is ONSET. Maintaining sleep for me is second hardest. Dayvigo helped with sleep onset like no other… but it’s also a really weird ass drug that paralyzed me moments before going to sleep. It’s actually a really harmless side effect, so if you can get through that, you can get some good help there. Only problem is there is no generic so it’s 350+ a month and I just can’t do that. So now I’ve been able to make a return back to Seroquel, I forgot why I moved on from it years ago, wish me luck tonight on 25mg. I’ve been burned and exhausted and it’s getting dangerous. I’m in a rigorous PhD program and so I have a lot to lose. Afraid of dependence with benzo medication but it still has a place in my arsenal, so I’m trying to find something sustainable or at least something to get me through this sleep deprivation and not detrimental enough to really screw me when it comes to the books. As someone who has to go through dense ass material and expected to process it and know it?… it’s the not sleeping that has fucked me more than anything. I see sleep as an exchange.. good sleep = good work Bad sleep = fuck your future. I’ve seen for myself, it’s that fucking simple. Fill in the blank of what all that could mean, I think it adds up…
PS I’m overall healthy but have PMDD. I stay relatively active as I play rugby and go to the gym. I could eat more and I take vitamins. Ik ppl usually like to reference these details
TLDR; trying Seroquel for the first night in years tonight and crossing all crossables that it works :(

Little Author's Note up here since it was missed in the last chapter by some people: I don't approve of anyone "narrating" or using my story for their youtube channels or whatever as it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve been getting messages whenever I post a chapter asking the same thing and I keep saying no. If you see this story on youtube or elsewhere, I didn’t approve of it or give them my permission to do so.
Also I hope you enjoy this chapter, I had some difficulty writing it, so it’s probably not my best quality.
Cerelia, Altrin Female, Captain of The Opal Star
I smirk at my wrist data pad as I can see Triwt is basically hunting and chasing down the remaining pirates while expertly leading them to me for a trap.
“Triwt, you know me so well.” I say with a fully smug tone as I ready my rifle and prepare to open fire.
Not yet
The footsteps are getting louder.
Not yet…
The footsteps, given how good my hearing is, have now rounded the corner and there’s a shriek of terror.
“Boys! Turn back and save your damn Captain! The damn girl has me!”
I can’t help but smirk, it seems the ugly bastard did come aboard the ship. What’s better is that Triwt has grabbed him, leaving the remaining 4 pirates not looking this way.
Now.
Triwt, Female Valis-Trobat Hybrid, Security Commander
I’m slightly annoyed as I have to constantly dodge and weave going through the corridor. These dumbasses aren’t even aiming where they're shooting. I quickly duck low to the ground to dodge a barrage of plasma bolts, when I hear the one thing I was looking forward to. Click click click…
Silence follows the clicking of empty TOR’s besides the frantic running. It’s then replaced by one of the pirates, not the Captain, shrieking as she runs ahead of the others in a panic. In no sense am I a sadistic person, but however in this situation, I might have smiled a bit to her reaction as I pick up the pace and quickly enter melee range.
Hm, maybe we can afford one prisoner…
I see the corner coming up as I whip my body around and grab the Captain with my tail.
EWWWW He’s all slimy and mucusy! Goddess this is worse than Jordan Cores bleeding on my fur. EWWW!!!
“Boys! Turn back and save your damn Captain! The damn girl has me!”
Despite my own internal hatred of the sensation of having to get that gross slime like mucus on my tail of all things, I still pull the Captain back as they round the corner looking back at me as they abandon their captain. I give them a wave right before a hail of gunfire shreds through them, leaving only a fine mist.
I’m surprised Cerelia is allowed to even own such a modified weapon. I can’t even shoot it while holding it with all 4 of my arms due to the recoil! She says it’s registered as a ceremonial weapon. I suppose a sudden funeral is a ceremony in itself.
I smirk at the thought before returning my attention to this gross captain wrapped up in my tail.
Cerelia, Altrin Female, Captain of The Opal Star
I let out a relaxed sigh as I released the trigger from my grip. I don’t particularly enjoy battle, but there seems to be something within my own instincts that triggers dopamine at the end of a battle.
Probably something to do with Altrins being a hunter race before we were modern and spacefaring. Might have to ask a historian about that, if not at the very least a psychologist.
I lower my rifle as Triwt slithers down the hall, her fur was undeniably red in a few spots where it came into contact with Jordan’s blood, but it was mostly on her uniform. She keeps moving with the Alcoranth Captain getting dragged along by Triwt’s tail as she had already bound up and gagged them.
“I can deal with the blood of Jordan Cores, but take this bastard away from me before I slit his throat for getting mucus on my tail.”
Oh, she is pissed. She’s just doing a good job at mostly containing it.
I nod before speaking, “Just knock him out for now and we’ll put him in a cryopod or something. His slime-like excretions from his skin might make him an easy flight risk since we can assume he can slip out of handcuffs and other bindings fairly easily.”
Triwt nods at me and uses a Stun Baton to knock him out for now after hitting him with probably more volts than regulated.
I suppose it’s better than bashing his head against the wall until he passes out.
The remaining guards who were left with me take the now prisoner captain away from Triwt and begin transporting him to a cryopod room meant for emergencies like if the ship’s thrusters were to stop working and we’re years away from rescue.
We could just set up an SOS frequency broadcast and then put everyone in cryo until rescue arrives. But now, it’s a makeshift prison for a cowardly pirate.
Now… for the real battle in all of this. The battle on the inside.
Lys, Verkrawn Male, Fauna Research Specialist
Silence. Well, except my ears are ringing from the sound of gunfire that has now stopped.
I take in a shaky breath in what feels like the first time in forever. Everything is shaking now that the fighting seems to have stopped. It seems I’m not the only one who was holding their breath for so long as other crew members near me seemed to breathe in, while a few start to break down crying.
We’re not fighters like security, Triwt, or Cerelia. Most of us had never seen people die, to say the least how brutal it was to see how Jordan Cores attacked the Alcoranth. I feel my face with my clawed hands and feel the warm liquid of my tears running down my face.
When did I start crying?
The realization hit me like a powerloader as it’s my turn to break down crying, my own legs failing me as they shook before I found myself weeping on the floor as the thoughts and emotions flooded my head with what happened and how terrible this was. I keep crying as I feel the large paw of my older sister as she slowly sits me up and holds me in a warm embrace. It makes me think about when I was younger. The days when she and I were in the orphanage. She used to hold me just like this after she would chase away the older kids who would be mean to me. I still remember some of the things she’d say to them.
“I don’t care if a Verkawn’s scales can deflect most bullets, he still has feelings!” The first thing she ever said to the bullies as she chased them off. It was also the day I met her. She had lost her family due to a Slaver raid on the colony world she was living on at the time. She didn’t tell me much about it, and I doubt she would tell me even today, but she always called me her little brother, so I started calling her my older sister. It’s been like that since.
I keep crying until it’s more of a sniffle as I slowly return the embrace.
“They will never hurt you like they hurt me, Lys.” She whispers to me before slowly turning her attention to the crew members with a sad expression. “Nor any of you. Oh, none of this was ever supposed to happen.”
“Y-You can’t predict pirates, Cerelia”
“I know, but they got so close to hurting and enslaving you. I failed to keep you all safe.”
“Cerelia, we’re fine. No one got hurt physically. We should probably just go to the nearest planetary city, maybe see some therapists and psychologists while the ship gets repaired.”
Cerelia nods as she thinks about what I said.
“Yeah, but what about the furless beast? What are we supposed to do about it?” A member says as everyone was slowly coming to grips that they are alive and well. “Are we just going to keep it here? Who knows if it’ll attack us again like it did to Lys or that Alcoranth on the floor there!?”
“He was scared!” Cerelia counters, with a hint of personal anger in her tone. “He couldn’t understand us and was only trying to escape because he thought he was in danger!”
“He was in danger? He is the danger for all I’ve seen!” They countered as I felt like shrinking down and hiding away, before a bit more of an emotional burning sensation rose up in me.
“Shut up!” I suddenly snapped. Silence follows as they wait for me to say something. I have never raised my voice.
“Sure, they found us in here because Jordan Cores had a chip on him, but he didn’t know about it! Not only that, but he at least protected us from that psychopath, breaking his own body and getting shot before doing so! You haven’t even had time to interact with him. While my interactions with him were brief, I could at least tell that he was scared and that he was sorry!” I huff as I silently cry while I look at both Cerelia and the crew member. I think their name is R’dorn. They’ve always been brash and rude, so I had a tendency to avoid them.
R’dorn looks at me annoyed, but as they are seemingly unable to come up with a good counter argument, they storm out of the safe room.
I look at Cerelia and Triwt before sighing and sitting down. “Sorry…”
“It’s alright, you kinda said what we were all thinking.” Someone says as they place a wing on me. “That, and R’dorn needs to shut up every now and then.” There’s sounds of agreement before it becomes a group embrace of comfort. Much different to huddling in fear.
“So wait, where is Jordan Cores now? Is he okay?”
“He’s in Med Bay 07’s only regeneration pod. He’s going to be fine, but it won’t be a while until he’s out due to his injuries.” Triwt responds as she slithers to the entrance of the room. “How about everyone gets cleaned up, or takes a hot shower to calm their nerves, and in about 2 hours time, we can see how Jordan Cores is holding up?”
That sounds like a good idea. To wash away the stress and some time to think, it sounds super nice.
I let out a sigh and nod. “Yeah, that sounds good to me… I’ll be there then. I guess if everyone else wants to show up, you can as well? Not like I can stop you or force you to, but the suggestion is there. Just trying to be considerate.”
With that, I stand up and I’m escorted back to my room to try and freshen up and clear my head.
And that is chapter 9! I was personally a little bit of mental and emotional wreck while writing because sometimes I don't know what I'm doing. At least that's how it feels. Gonna try and do some experimenting as I kinda want to explore some places now as we’ve been stuck on The Opal Star since the very beginning. So what are we feeling? A desert world, tropical world, or maybe a world that’s high in gravity, but Jordan seems to be just fine? Let me know your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions below, and thank you so much for reading!
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