Smoke eater ashtray
True Colorado Hiking
2013.05.17 18:30 True Colorado Hiking
2024.05.14 18:54 ChemicalLavishness65 My new coach is the worst
 | Here are some posts from her insta. She came to India last week to coach a training camp. So far I've attended three training sessions coached by her and she constantly keeps chain smoking in the hall despite being told many times she's not allowed to. I've never seen her spend longer than a couple of minutes without a cigarette. You can't even imagine the smell 𤎠submitted by ChemicalLavishness65 to IndianTeenagers [link] [comments] I just can't understand why someone thought it's a good idea to bring a 19-year-old chain smoker with very little coaching experience to India. Our own coaches are way more professional and experienced while she's forcing underage athletes to breathe in all her second-hand smoke. Tonight I went for another training session (not coached by her thankfully) and the entire hall smells like an ashtray. We had to start the session by picking up dozens of cigarette butts left behind by her from the floor. I'm honestly sooo tempted to confront her and tell her she's the worst coach and the most selfish person I've ever met... |
2024.05.14 17:23 calvin324hk [H] 1000+ Games / DLCs / VR Games [W] Paypal / Wishlist / Offers
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- 10 Second Ninja X
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- Koi-Koi Japan [Hanafuda playing cards] *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.1 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.2 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.3 DLC
- Konung 2
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- The Dark Pictures Anthology: House of Ashes
- THE DARK PICTURES ANTHOLOGY: LITTLE HOPE
- The Darkest Tales
- The Dungeon Beneath
- The Dungeon of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet of Chaos
- The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Redguard
- The Elder Scrolls III: MorrowindÂŽ Game of the Year Edition
- The Elder Scrolls IV: OblivionÂŽ Game of the Year Edition
- The Elder Scrolls Online
- The Escapists 2
- THE GAME OF LIFE 2
- The Golf Club⢠2019 featuring PGA TOUR
- THE GUNK
- The Haunted Island, a Frog Detective Game
- The Hong Kong Massacre
- The Horror Of Salazar House
- The Indie Mixtape
- The Innsmouth Case
- The Invisible Hours
- The Jackbox Party Pack 9
- The Last Campfire
- The LEGO Movie 2 Videogame
- The Letter - Horror Visual Novel
- The Long Dark
- The Manhole: Masterpiece Edition
- The Mortuary Assistant
- The Mummy Demastered
- The Outer Worlds
- THE OUTER WORLDS: SPACER'S CHOICE EDITION
- THE PALE BEYOND
- The Quarry
- The Quarry deluxe
- The Ramp
- The Red Lantern
- The Rewinder
- The Sacred Tears TRUE
- The Sexy Brutale
- The Smurfs - Mission Vileaf
- The Tarnishing of Juxtia
- The Tenants
- The Uncertain - The Last Quiet Day
- THE UNCERTAIN: LAST QUIET DAY
- The Uncertain: Light At The End
- The USB Stick Found in the Grass
- The Walking Dead
- The Walking Dead - 400 Days
- The Walking Dead Saints and Sinners
- The Walking Dead: A New Frontier
- The Walking Dead: Final Season
- The Walking Dead: Michonne - A Telltale Miniseries
- The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners
- The Walking Dead: Season 1
- The Walking Dead: Season Two
- The Way
- The Wild At Heart
- The Wild Eight
- The Witness
- Them and Us
- They Bleed Pixels
- Thief of Thieves
- This War of Mine
- This Way Madness Lies
- Three Kingdom: The Journey
- Time on Frog Island
- Tinkertown
- Tiny Tinaâs Wonderland(EU)
- TINY TINA'S WONDERLANDS CHAOTIC GREAT EDITION
- Tiny Troopers
- Tinykin
- Tinytopia
- TIS-100
- Titan Quest
- Tokyo Xanadu eX+
- Tools up
- Tooth and Tail
- Torchlight
- Total Tank Simulator
- Tour de France 2020
- Tower Unite
- Trailblazers
- Train Sim World 3: Standard Edition
- Train Simulator Classic
- Train Valley 1
- Transport INC
- Treasure Hunter Simulator
- TRIBES OF MIDGARD
- Trine 4
- Trinity Fusion
- Trombone Champ
- Tropico 5 - Complete Collection
- Trover Saves the Universe
- Tunche
- Turmoil
- Turok 2: Seeds of Evil
- Twin Mirror
- Two Point Campus
- Two Point Hospital
- TYPECAST
- Tyrant's Blessing
- Ultimate Chicken Horse
- Ultimate Zombie Defense
- Ultra Space Battle Brawl
- Unavowed
- Undead Horde
- Unexplored 2: The Wayfarer's Legacy
- Unity of Command: Stalingrad Campaign
- Universim
- UNLOVED
- Unpacking
- Until I have you
- Unto The End
- Upside Down
- URU: Complete Chronicles
- Vagante
- Valfaris
- Valfaris: Mecha Therion
- Valkryia Chronicles 4 Complete Edition
- Valkyria Chronicles 4 Complete Edition
- Valkyria Chronicles 4: Complete Edition
- Vambrace: Cold Soul
- Vampire Survivors
- Vectronom
- Velocity Noodle
- Venba
- Verne: The Shape of Fantasy
- Victoria 3
- Victoria II
- Viking: Battle For Asgard
- Virgo Versus The Zodiac
- VirtuaVerse
- Visage
- Viscerafest
- Void Bastards
- VOIDIGO
- Volcanoids
- Voltage High Society
- V-Rally 4
- Wanderlust: Travel Stories (GOG)
- Wargroove
- Warhammer 40,000 Sanctus Reach - Complete Edition
- Warhammer 40,000: Armageddon - Imperium Complete
- Warhammer 40,000: Battlesector
- Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
- Warhammer 40,000: Mechanicus
- Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf Special Edition
- WARHAMMER AGE OF SIGMAR: REALMS OF RUIN â ULTIMATE EDITION
- Warhammer vermintide collector's edition
- Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide
- Warhammer: Vermintide 2
- Warman
- Wasteland 3
- Wayward
- WE NEED TO GO DEEPER
- We should talk.
- We Were Here Together
- We Were Here Too
- Webbed
- What Lies in the Multiverse
- When Ski Lifts Go Wrong
- while True: learn()
- Whos Your daddy
- Wick
- Will You Snail?
- Windward
- Witch It
- Witchy Life Story
- wizard of legends
- Wolfenstein 3D
- Worms Rumble
- WRC 6 FIA World Rally Championship
- WRC 7 FIA World Rally Championship
- WWE 2K Battlegrounds
- WWE 2K23
- WWZ Aftermath
- Wytchwood
- X-COM: COMPLETE PACK
- XCOM: ULTIMATE COLLECTION
- XIII - Classic
- X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
- X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack
- Yakuza Kiwami
- Yumeutsutsu Re:After
- Yumeutsutsu Re:Master
- Zen Chess: Mate in One, Mate in 2 , Mate in 3 , Mate in 4 , Champion's Moves (5 games)
- Ziggurat
- Zombie Army 4
- Zombie Army Trilogy
- Zool Redimensioned
- For The King: Lost Civilization Adventure Pack
- Train Simulator: Isle of Wight Route Add-On
- Train Simulator: Woodhead Electric Railway in Blue Route Add-On
- Train Simulator: North Somerset Railway Route Add-On
- Train Simulator: Union Pacific Heritage SD70ACes Loco Add-On
- Train Simulator: London to Brighton Route Add-On
- BR Class 170 'Turbostar' DMU Add-On
- DB BR 648 Loco Add-On
- Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
- Expansion - Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
- Expansion - Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
- Grand Central Class 180 'Adelante' DMU Add-On
- Peninsula Corridor: San Francisco - Gilroy Route Add-On
- SONIC ADVENTURE 2: BATTLE
- Small World - A Spider's Web
- Small World - Cursed
- Small World - Royal Bonus
- The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos - Goodies Pack
- The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos - OST
- Thompson Class B1 Loco Add-On
- Total War: Shogun 2 - Rise of the Samurai
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ 3: Birmingham Cross-city line
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: BR Class 20 'Chopper' Loco
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Brighton Main Line: London Victoria - Brighton
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Caltrain MP36PH-3C 'Baby Bullet'
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Cathcart Circle Line: Glasgow - Newton & Neilston
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Clinchfield Railroad: Elkhorn - Dante
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Great Western Express
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Hauptstrecke Hamburg - Lubeck
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: LIRR M3 EMU
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Long Island Rail Road: New York - Hicksville
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Nahverkehr Dresden - Riesa
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Northern Trans-Pennine: Manchester - Leeds
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Peninsula Corridor: San Francisco - San Jose
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Rhein-Ruhr Osten: Wuppertal - Hagen
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Tees Valley Line: Darlington - Saltburn-by-the-sea
- Worms Rumble - Armageddon Weapon Skin Pack
- Worms Rumble - Captain & Shark Double Pack
- Worms Rumble - Legends Pack
- Worms Rumble - New Challengers Pack
- Ashampoo Photo Optimizer 7
- Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
- Duke Nukem Forever Hail to the Icons
- Duke Nukem Forever The Doctor Who Cloned Me
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Cygon Garage Kit
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Nyvoss Garage Kit
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Terra Garage Kit
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Vintek Garage Kit
- GameGuru
- GameMaker Studio 2 Creator 12 Months
- Intro to Game Development with Unity
- Music Maker EDM Edition
- Neverwinter Nights: Darkness Over Daggerford
- Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition Dark Dreams of Furiae
- Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition Tyrants of the Moonsea
- Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition
- Neverwinter Nights: Infinite Dungeons
- Neverwinter Nights: Pirates of the Sword Coast
- Neverwinter Nights: Wyvern Crown of Cormyr
- PDF-Suite 1 Year License
- Pathfinder Second Edition Core Rulebook and Starfinder Core Rulebook
- RPG Maker VX
- WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS - Ultimate Brawlers Pass
- We Are Alright
- The Outer Worlds Expansion Pass
- A Hat in Time - Seal the Deal DLC
- City Skylines:mass transit
- A Game Of Thrones - A Dance With Dragons
- A Game Of Thrones - A Feast For Crows
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition - Gods of Asgard
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition - Mythical Monsters
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition - Mystics of Midgard
- Carcassonne - The Princess and The Dragon DLC
- Carcassonne - Traders & Builders DLC
- Carcassonne - Winter & Gingerbread Man DLC
- Carcassonne - Inns & Cathedrals
- Carcassonne - The River
- Splendor: The Trading Posts DLC
- Splendor: The Strongholds DLC
- Splendor: The Cities DLC
- Small World - Be Not Afraid... DLC
- Small World - Grand Dames DLC
- Small World - Cursed!
- Sands of Salzaar - The Ember Saga
- Sands of Salzaar - The Tournament
- Monster Train: The Last Divinity DLC
- WARSAW
2024.05.14 17:23 calvin324hk [H] 1000+ Games / DLCs / VR Games [W] Paypal / Wishlist / Offers
https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/pikmri/calvin324hks_igs_rep_page/
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/of2wzu/flair_profile_ucalvin324hk/
Wishlist
Region: NA (Canada)
Fees on buyer if any, currency is USD unless specified
CTRL + F to find your games in terms of name
DLCs and Softwares:
submitted by calvin324hk to SteamGameSwap [link] [comments]
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/of2wzu/flair_profile_ucalvin324hk/
Wishlist
Region: NA (Canada)
Fees on buyer if any, currency is USD unless specified
CTRL + F to find your games in terms of name
- 10 Second Ninja X
- 11-11 Memories Retold
- 112 Operator
- 12 is Better Than 6
- 198X
- 1993 Space Machine
- 60 Parsecs
- 7 Billion Humans
- 8 DOORS
- 8-bit Adventure Anthology: Volume I
- 9 Years of Shadows
- 911 Operator
- A Game of Thrones: The Board Game
- A Hat in Time
- A Hole New World
- A JUGGLER'S TALE
- A Long Way Down
- A PLAGUE TALE: INNOCENCE
- A Robot Named Fight!
- A Tale for Anna
- A.I.M.2 Clan Wars
- Ace Combat Assault Horizon Enhanced Edition
- Adore
- Aeterna Noctis
- AETHERIS
- Agatha Christie Hercule Poirot The First Cases
- AIdol
- Airborne Kingdom
- Alba: A Wildlife Adventure
- Alder's Blood: Definitive Edition
- Alfred Hitchcock - Vertigo
- Alien Breed Trilogy
- Aliens vs. Predator⢠Collection
- All-Star Fruit Racing
- Almost There: The Platformer
- American Fugitive
- American Truck Simulator
- Amerzone: The Explorerâs Legacy
- AMID EVIL
- Amnesia rebirth
- Amnesia: The Dark Descent + Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
- Anomalous
- Another World â 20th Anniversary Edition
- Antigraviator
- Anuchard
- APICO
- APICO
- Aragami
- Aragami 2
- Arboria
- Arcade Paradise
- Arcade Paradise - Arcade Paradise EP
- Arcade Spirits
- Arkham Horror: Mother's Embrace
- Armada 2526 Gold Edition
- Army Men RTS
- army of ruin
- Arto
- Ary and the Secret of Seasons
- As Far as the Eye
- Ascension to the Throne
- Assemble With Care
- Assetto Corsa Competizione
- Assetto Corsa Ultimate Edition
- Astebreed Definitive Edition
- Astronarch
- Attack of the Earthlings
- Automachef
- Automobilista
- Automobilista 2
- AUTONAUTS
- AUTONAUTS VS PIRATEBOTS
- Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora⢠- Ubisoft Connect
- AVICII Invector: Encore Edition
- Awesomenauts All Nauts pack
- Baba is you
- Back 4 Blood
- Back 4 blood (EU)
- Backbone
- Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition
- Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition
- Banners of Ruin
- Bartlow's Dread Machine
- BASEMENT
- Batbarian: Testament of the Primordials
- Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
- Batman: Arkham Origins
- Battle Royale Tycoon
- Battlecruisers
- Battlestar Galactica Deadlock
- BATTLESTAR GALACTICA DEADLOCK SEASON ONE
- Battlestar Galactica Deadlock: Complete
- BATTLETECH MERCENARY COLLECTION
- BATTLETECH Shadow Hawk Pack
- BEAUTIFUL DESOLATION
- BEFORE WE LEAVE
- Beholder 2
- Ben 10
- Ben 10: Power Trip
- Bendy and the Ink Machineâ˘
- Between the Stars
- Beyond a Steel Sky
- Beyond The Edge Of Owlsgard
- Beyond the Long Night
- BEYOND THE WIRE
- Beyond: Two Souls
- BIOMUTANT
- Bionic Commando
- Bionic Commando Rearmed
- BioShock: The Collection
- BLACK BOOK
- Black Moon Chronicles
- Black Paradox
- BLACK SKYLANDS
- BLACKHOLE: Complete Edition
- Blacksad: Under the Skin
- Blade of Darkness
- Blasphemous
- Blazing Chrome
- Blightbound
- Blood And Zombies
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition
- Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night
- Bomber Crew
- Boneless Zombie
- Boomerang Fu
- Borderlands 3
- Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe
- Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe Edition
- Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
- Bot Vice
- Bounty of One
- Brawlout
- Breakout: Recharged
- Breathedge
- bridge constructor
- Bridge constructor medieval
- bridge constructor stunts
- Broken Lines
- Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
- Brutal Legend
- Bug Fables: The Everlasting Sapling
- BUILDER SIMULATOR
- calico
- Call of DutyŽ Modern Warfare 3⢠(2011)
- Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
- Car Mechanic 2018
- Car Mechanic Simulator 2015
- Car Mechanic Simulator 2018
- Castle Morihisa
- Castle on the Coast
- castle storm
- CastleStorm
- Cat Cafe Manager
- Caveblazers
- Celeste
- Centipede: Recharged
- CHANGE: A Homeless Survival Experience
- Charlie's Adventure
- Chenso Club
- Chernobylite: Enhanced Edition
- Chess Ultra
- Chicago 1930 : The Prohibition
- Chivalry 2
- Chop Goblins
- Chorus
- Cities Skylines + After Dark
- Cities: Skylines
- City of Beats
- CivCity: Rome
- Click and Slay
- Cloud Gardens
- Cloudpunk
- Code Vein
- Coffee Talk
- Comedy Night
- Command & Conquer Remastered (Origin)
- Complete Dread X Collection
- Conarium
- Construction Simulator (2015) Deluxe Edition
- Constructor Plus
- Control
- Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!
- cornucopia
- Corridor Z
- Cosmic Osmo and the Worlds Beyond the Mackerel
- Cosmonautica
- Crash Drive 2
- Crash Drive 3
- Creaks
- Creepy Tale
- Crookz the big heist
- CROSSBOW: Bloodnight
- Crush Your Enemies
- Cube Runner
- Cultist Simulator: Anthology Edition
- Curse: The Eye of Isis
- Cyber Ops
- Cybercube
- Danger Scavenger
- Dark Deity
- DARK PICTURES ANTHOLOGY: HOUSE OF ASHES
- Darksiders Warmastered
- Darkwood
- DARQ: Complete Edition
- Day of the Tentacle Remastered
- days of war definitive edition
- Dead by Daylight
- Dead Estate
- Dead Rising 2
- Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
- Death Stranding Directors Cut
- DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
- Deceased
- DECEIVE INC.
- Degrees of Separation
- Delicious! Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire
- Deliver Us The Moon
- Demetrios - Deluxe Edition
- Depraved
- DESCENDERS
- DESOLATE
- Destiny 2: Beyond Light
- DESTROYER: THE U-BOAT HUNTER
- Detention
- Devil May Cry HD Collection
- Devilated
- Dicey Dungeons
- Dirt 5
- dirt rally
- Dirt Rally 2.0
- Disaster Band
- Disciples III: Reincarnation
- Discolored
- DISTRAINT 2
- Distrust
- DmC: Devil May Cry
- Do Not Feed the Monkeys
- Don't Be Afraid
- Doomed Lands
- Door Kickers: Action Squad
- Doorways: Prelude
- Downfall
- Dragons Dogma Dark Arisen
- Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
- Draugen
- Draw Slasher
- Drawful 2
- Dreams in the Witch House
- Dreamscaper
- DreamWorks Dragons: Dawn of New Riders
- DRIFT21
- Driftland: The Magic Revival
- drive!drive!drive!
- Drone Swarm
- Due Process
- Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project
- Duke of Alpha Centauri
- Dungeon Rushers
- Dungeons 2
- Dungeons 3
- DUSK
- Dusk Diver
- Dust to the End
- DV: Rings of Saturn
- Dynopunk
- Earth Defense Force 4.1 The Shadow of New Despair
- Eastern Exorcist
- Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising
- El Matador
- Elderand
- ELDEST SOULS
- Electrician Simulator
- Elemental Survivors
- Elex
- Elex II
- Elite Dangerous
- Embr
- Empire: Total War - Definitive Edition
- Empyrion - Galactic Survival
- ENCASED: A SCI-FI POST-APOCALYPTIC RPG
- Endless Space 2
- Endless Space 2 - Digital Deluxe Edition
- Endless SpaceÂŽ 2 - Digital Deluxe Edition
- Endzone - A World Apart
- EPIC CHEF
- Epistory - Typing Chronicles
- Escape the backrooms
- Eternal Threads
- Europa Universalis IV
- European Ship Simulator
- Everdream Valley
- Evil Genius 2: World Domination
- Exorder
- EXPEDITIONS: ROME
- Expeditions: Viking
- Explosionade
- F1 2018
- F1 2019 Anniversary Edition
- F1 2020
- F1 RACE STARS Complete Edition Include DLC
- Fable Anniversary
- Factory Town
- Fallback uprising
- Fallback: Uprising
- FALLOUT 1
- Family Mysteries 3: Criminal Mindset
- FANTASY BLACKSMITH
- FARMER'S DYNASTY
- Farming Simulator 17
- Farming Simulator 19
- Fictorum
- Field of Glory II
- Fights in Tight Spaces
- Filthy Animals Heist Simulator
- Firefighting Simulator - The Squad
- Fishing Adventure
- Flashback
- FLATLAND Vol.2
- FlatOut
- FLING TO THE FINISH
- Floppy Knights
- Fluffy Horde
- FOBIA - ST. DINFNA HOTEL
- For the King
- Forgive me Father
- Forts
- Fred3ric
- Fresh Start Cleaning Simulator
- Friends vs Friends
- Frogun
- From Space
- Frostpunk: Game of the Year Edition
- Frozenheim
- Fun with Ragdolls: The Game
- Funtasia
- Gamedec
- Gamedec - Definitive Edition
- Gang Beasts
- GARAGE bad trip
- Garden Story
- Garfield Kart
- GAS STATION SIMULATOR
- Gelly Break Deluxe
- Genesis Alpha One Deluxe Edition
- Gevaudan
- Ghostrunner
- Giana Sisters 2D
- GIGA WRECKER
- Gigantosaurus: Dino Kart
- Glitch Busters: Stuck On You
- Gloria Victis
- Go Home Dinosaurs
- GOAT OF DUTY
- GOD EATER 3
- Godlike Burger
- Godstrike
- Going Under
- Golf Gang
- Golf It!
- Gone Home + Original Soundtrack
- Good Knight
- Gotham Knights
- GREAK: MEMORIES OF AZUR
- GREEDFALL
- Gremlins, inc
- grey goo
- GRID - 2019
- grid ultimate
- GRIP: Combat Racing
- Gungrave G.O.R.E
- Guppy
- Guts and glory
- GYLT
- Hacknet
- Haegemonia: Legions of Iron
- Hamilton's Great Adventure
- Hammerwatch
- Hands of Necromancy
- Havsala: Into the Soul Palace
- Headsnatchers
- Heartwood Heroes
- Heat Signature
- Helheim Hassle
- Hell Let Loose
- Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
- Hellbound
- Hellstuck: Rage With Your Friends
- Hero of the Kingdom III
- Hero of the Kingdom: The Lost Tales 2
- Heroes of Hammerwatch
- Heros hour
- Hexologic
- Hidden & Dangerous 2: Courage Under Fire
- Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
- Hidden Deep
- High On Life
- Hitman (2016) Game of the Year Edition
- HITMAN 2 - Gold Edition
- Hoa
- Hob
- Hollow Knight
- Holy Potatoes! A Spy Story?!
- Home Sweet Home
- Home Sweet Home EP2
- Homestead Arcana
- Hood: Outlaws & Legends
- Hoplegs
- Hot Tin Roof: The Cat That Wore A Fedora
- HOT WHEELS UNLEASHED â˘
- Hotshot Racing
- House Flipper
- How to Survive 2
- Hue
- Human: Fall Flat
- HUMANKIND DEFINITIVE EDITION
- Hungry Flame
- Hyper Knights
- I am Bread
- I Am Fish
- I am not a Monster: First Contact
- I Hate Running Backwards
- ibb & obb Double Pack
- ICBM
- Ice Age Scrat's Nutty Adventure
- Ice Lakes
- Impostor Factory
- IN SOUND MIND
- Indivisible
- INDUSTRIA
- Infectonator 3: Apocalypse
- Infinite Beyond The Mind
- Injustice 2 Legendary Edition
- Insane 2
- INSOMNIA: The Ark
- Internet Cafe Simulator
- Internet Cafe Simulator 2
- Interstellar Space: Genesis
- Iron Fisticle
- Iron Harvest
- Ittle Dew
- Ittle Dew 2+
- Jack Move
- Jackbox party pack 2
- Jackbox party pack 5
- JANITOR BLEEDS
- Joint Task Force
- Jotun: Valhalla Edition
- Journey For Elysium
- Journey to the Savage Planet
- JUMANJI: The Video Game
- JumpJet Rex
- Juno: New Origins
- Jupiter Hell
- Jurassic Park: The Game
- Jurassic World Evolution
- Jurassic World Evolution 2
- JUST CAUSE 4: COMPLETE EDITION
- Just Die Already
- Kardboard Kings: Card Shop Simulator
- Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes
- Ken Follett's The Pillars of the Earth
- Kentucky Route Zero - Season Pass Edition
- Kerbal Space Program
- Killing Floor 2 Digital Deluxe Edition
- Killing Room
- Kingdom Two Crowns
- Kingdom: New Lands
- King's Bounty: Crossworlds
- Knights of Pen & Paper 2
- Knock-knock
- Koi-Koi Japan [Hanafuda playing cards] *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.1 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.2 DLC *Koi-Koi Japan : UKIYOE tours Vol.3 DLC
- Konung 2
- KungFu Kickball
- Labyrinthine
- Lair of the Clockwork God
- Laserlife
- LAST OASIS
- Lawn Mowing Simulator
- Layers of Fear: Masterpiece Edition
- Lead and Gold: Gangs of the Wild West
- Learn Japanese To Survive! Hiragana Battle
- Learn Japanese To Survive! Katakana War
- Learn Japanese to Survive! Trilogy
- Legend of Keepers
- LEGION TD 2 - MULTIPLAYER TOWER DEFENSE
- LEGION TD 2 - MULTIPLAYER TOWER DEFENSE.
- Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
- Leisure Suit Larry 1-7
- Lemnis Gate
- Lemon Cake
- lethal league blaze
- Let's School
- Levelhead
- Liberated (GOG)
- Life is Strange Complete Season (Episodes 1-5)
- Light Fairytale Episode 1
- Light Fairytale Episode 2
- LIGHTMATTER
- Little dragons cafe
- Little Hope
- Little Inner Monsters - Card Game
- Little Nightmares
- Little Nightmares Complete Edition
- Livelock
- Loop Hero
- Loot River
- Looterkings
- Lornsword Winter Chronicle
- Lost Castle
- Love Letter
- Lovecraft's Untold Stories
- Lovely planet arcade
- Lucius2
- Lucius3
- Ludus
- Lumberhill
- LunarLux
- Lust for Darkness
- Lust from Beyond: M Edition
- Mad Experiments: Escape Room
- Mad Max
- Mafia Definitive Edition
- Mafia: Definitive Edition
- Magenta Horizon
- Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle
- Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle : School Girls Edition
- Mail Time
- Maize
- Maneater
- Marooners
- MARSUPILAMI - HOOBADVENTURE
- Marvel's Avengers - The Definitive Edition
- Mato Anomalies
- Max Payne 3
- Mechs & Mercs: Black Talons
- Medieval II: Total War - Definitive Edition
- Medieval: Total War Collection
- MEEPLE STATION
- Men of War
- MERCHANT OF THE SKIES
- METAL HELLSINGER
- Metal Hellsinger
- Metro Exodus
- Metro last light
- Metro: Last Light Redux
- Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor GOTY
- Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor GOTY
- Middle-Earth: Shadow of War Definitive Edition
- MIDNIGHT PROTOCOL
- Mighty Switch Force! Collection
- MIND SCANNERS
- Ministry of Broadcast
- Minute of Islands
- Miscreated
- Mists of Noyah
- MKXL
- Mob Rule Classic
- Monaco
- Monster Slayers - Complete Edition
- Monster Train
- MONSTER TRAIN (FIRST CLASS - COLLECTORS EDITION)
- Monstrum
- Monstrum 2
- Moon Hunters
- Moons of Madness
- MORDHAU
- Mordheim: City of the Damned
- Mortal Kombat 11 Ultimate Edition
- MORTAL KOMBAT XL
- Mortal Shell
- Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
- Mr. Run and Jump
- Murder Mystery Machine
- My Big Sister
- My Friend Peppa Pig
- My Lovely Wife
- My Summer Adventure: Memories of Another Life
- My Time At Portia
- N++ (NPLUSPLUS)
- Napoleon: Total War - Definitive Edition
- Narcos: Rise of the Cartels
- NARUTO TO BORUTO: SHINOBI STRIKER
- NECROMUNDA: HIRED GUN
- Necronator: Dead Wrong
- NecroVisioN: Lost Company
- NecroWorm
- Neighbours back From Hell
- Nelly Cootalot: Spoonbeaks Ahoy! HD
- Neon Space
- Neon Space 2
- Neon Sundown
- Nephise: Ascension
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2024.05.14 15:57 freddiemercurial 45 [M4F] UK/Anywhere - I miss having that connection with someone special. There's nothing like it.
Iâm after the relationship that goes the distance, the one that results in love and, when the time is right, the âm wordâ. I canât think of anything I look forward to more than spending my life with the woman I love.
I love physical displays of affection, both public and otherwise. Gestures like holding, hugging, etc, are something I adore and would always welcome, especially because I love the excitement and warm feeling that come with being close to the one you love.
The person I am after is someone who is kind and caring, somebody that I can relaxed around. I donât want the stress of being around someone who gets set off my the smallest thing. My sense of humour is varied, although it can best be described as something of a mix of Chandler Bing (RIP) and Edmund Blackadder.
When weâre together, my ideal night would involve spending our time at home, curled up on the sofa together and watching a film, or playing a game, although Iâm not against the occasional day/night out if itâs just the two of us.I watch little in the way of current TV or films, and almost no sport. My main solo hobbies can be found on my friends post.
If weâre apart, as I presume we would be in the early days of our relationship, then, because I game a fair bit, Iâd be open to you watching me play something, or vice versa if you game as well. We could also chat while we play our own individual games. We can also watch films, TV, etc, or whatever may bring us closer together.
Iâm in the UK, so I would prefer to talk to someone who is also in the UK, as it would make things convenient for the both of us, and it would also make meeting up easier, and I would want to meet up if things progress well. However, I am open to talking to people who are overseas, as long as youâre moving to the UK in the near future, and that the move is, if not set in stone, then is at least guaranteed to happen or to be able to happen. Be aware that I am unable to travel overseas, although not for any nefarious reason.
Iâm a vegetarian, though I donât mind being around meat eaters as long as theyâre respectful of how I feel. I donât drink and, while Iâm okay being with someone who does, it wonât work if youâre a person who drinks frequently. Iâm non-religious and non-spiritual, and this will never change, and my views are generally what youâd call progressive and liberal. Disparate views are one thing, but if you use terms like âPC/PC cultureâ, âliberalâ or âwokeâ as pejoratives, we will not get along. In addition, I do not smoke and will not be with a smoker.
Iâm okay with either private messaging or Reddit chat, though Iâd like to move off Reddit once we both feel comfortable doing so. Once weâve moved to a different platform, exchanging pictures is then also something that would be done once weâre both comfortable, as would voice and video chat, especially because the best way to really get to know someone is through real-time communication.
Your opening message doesnât have to be that long, just give me something to work with, something that can spark conversation. If you have any questions, queries, posers, then feel free to ask.
submitted by freddiemercurial to r4r [link] [comments]
I love physical displays of affection, both public and otherwise. Gestures like holding, hugging, etc, are something I adore and would always welcome, especially because I love the excitement and warm feeling that come with being close to the one you love.
The person I am after is someone who is kind and caring, somebody that I can relaxed around. I donât want the stress of being around someone who gets set off my the smallest thing. My sense of humour is varied, although it can best be described as something of a mix of Chandler Bing (RIP) and Edmund Blackadder.
When weâre together, my ideal night would involve spending our time at home, curled up on the sofa together and watching a film, or playing a game, although Iâm not against the occasional day/night out if itâs just the two of us.I watch little in the way of current TV or films, and almost no sport. My main solo hobbies can be found on my friends post.
If weâre apart, as I presume we would be in the early days of our relationship, then, because I game a fair bit, Iâd be open to you watching me play something, or vice versa if you game as well. We could also chat while we play our own individual games. We can also watch films, TV, etc, or whatever may bring us closer together.
Iâm in the UK, so I would prefer to talk to someone who is also in the UK, as it would make things convenient for the both of us, and it would also make meeting up easier, and I would want to meet up if things progress well. However, I am open to talking to people who are overseas, as long as youâre moving to the UK in the near future, and that the move is, if not set in stone, then is at least guaranteed to happen or to be able to happen. Be aware that I am unable to travel overseas, although not for any nefarious reason.
Iâm a vegetarian, though I donât mind being around meat eaters as long as theyâre respectful of how I feel. I donât drink and, while Iâm okay being with someone who does, it wonât work if youâre a person who drinks frequently. Iâm non-religious and non-spiritual, and this will never change, and my views are generally what youâd call progressive and liberal. Disparate views are one thing, but if you use terms like âPC/PC cultureâ, âliberalâ or âwokeâ as pejoratives, we will not get along. In addition, I do not smoke and will not be with a smoker.
Iâm okay with either private messaging or Reddit chat, though Iâd like to move off Reddit once we both feel comfortable doing so. Once weâve moved to a different platform, exchanging pictures is then also something that would be done once weâre both comfortable, as would voice and video chat, especially because the best way to really get to know someone is through real-time communication.
Your opening message doesnât have to be that long, just give me something to work with, something that can spark conversation. If you have any questions, queries, posers, then feel free to ask.
2024.05.14 06:02 LadyNiko Stinky People!
People, please!
Lay off the perfume, the aftershave, and don't come in smelling like an ashtray or carrying your toddler smelling like pot!
The ashtray lady today set me off in a sneezing fit, and the pot couple disappointed me. I don't care if you smoke weed, but don't do it around your baby!
submitted by LadyNiko to retailhell [link] [comments]
Lay off the perfume, the aftershave, and don't come in smelling like an ashtray or carrying your toddler smelling like pot!
The ashtray lady today set me off in a sneezing fit, and the pot couple disappointed me. I don't care if you smoke weed, but don't do it around your baby!
2024.05.14 05:50 Ereshkigal59 The Rose on Nuceria
The walls of the Thunderhawk shook violently as we approached the city. I could hear the gunfire surrounding the ship as we landed in the capital. The World Eater vanguard had secured the center of the city, near the arena, in preparation for my arrival.
The door opened to reveal a desolate city. The sky screamed with the sound of the raging fire that had engulfed the majority of her home. It was a dead world, but it was and always would be hers. Just like me.
Twenty space marines rushed out in front of me, thundering down the ramp as they secured the perimeter. They were loyal sons of hers, they had returned to this doomed planet to deliver me to her one final time. I could not begin to imagine what they must have felt, to see their world in such a crestfallen state.
I made my way down the ramp to find them in two lines on either side of me. I gazed into their helmets as I walked in the midst of two lines of space marines, they stood motionless as they waited for their orders. In my head, I thanked them, their azure shoulder pads forming an unwavering bulwark between this forsaken world and myself. They knew the sacrifice they had made the moment they stepped off the ship.
In the distance I could hear her, tearing down buildings with a single blow as she rampaged through the city. It was her home, once, and it had forgotten her. Buildings crumbled as her forsaken sons shot down a Thunderhawk in the distance. It spun as it fell, leaving behind a trail of smoke as it hurled towards the ground. I watched it as it vanished behind the burning ruins.
A guttural roar echoed through the city square as another block collapsed under the never-ending might of her rage, and the nails that spurred it.
âSheâs coming.â said the captain.
It was time.
The captain led his battle-brothers forward into the oncoming whirlwind of death.
I stood by the ship as they surged forward. Their sacrifice was a gift they had given willingly, and I would never forget that for as long as I lived.
With a crash, the buildings in front of them disintegrated in a cloud of ash and dust.
Through the fire and dust, I could see her silhouette. She was grotesque and beautiful, a winged monstrosity of rage that I adored, even in her current state.
With a furious howl, she brought down her dual chainaxes on her sons, cleaving them in two with an explosion of blood and entrails. The chains hummed with the sound of death, while the nails on her head rewarded her unbridled rage.
The dust cleared, leaving dozens of torn and dismembered space marines as she towered above their remains. Her wings spread wide as she relished the indescribable pain she had just inflicted.
Her fiery eyes locked onto me. I was next.
In that moment, there was no one, no power in the cosmos, no emperor or god, that could keep her from her Rose.
She charged at me, her axes whirring with anticipation as they neared their next victim.
A crushing weight dropped me to my knees as I looked up at the charging behemoth that I would always love.
My heart sang as she raced toward me, although I could not speak. I would embrace her one final time.
I closed my eyes, my arms outstretched.
In my ears I could hear the chains, they were deafening. My ears began to bleed as they cycled furiously, demanding blood. They were close, which meant that she must be too.
I surrendered my life, thankful for the opportunity to have known her. Out of all the planets, and the sextillions of people in the universe, I was glad to have been her Rose.
I waited for the embrace of death, although it could not keep me from her forever.
It did not come.
I opened my eyes to see her before me, her massive form diminished as she leaned down close to me.
Her rage-filled eyes burned with a never-ending fire that could never be put out. Yet, in the depths of that fire, I could see it. The look she would give me all of those years ago, a look that told me I was hers and no one else's.
âMy⌠RoseâŚ.â she spoke, her demonic voice caressing me as her words ripped through my heart.
I no longer saw a demon.
The nails were gone, her wings had vanished, her scowl faded into a resigned, yet loving smile.
Instinctively, I smiled back. How could I not?
I could have lived a million lifetimes in that moment, and still wanted more.
But it was not meant to be.
With a roar that shook the ground, she quickly returned to her corrupted self. The nails dug into the depths of her mind as they gripped her in an all-consuming grasp. The nails called, and she must answer.
I embraced her as the axe fell upon me.
I was her Rose and always would be.
submitted by Ereshkigal59 to PrimarchGFs [link] [comments]
The door opened to reveal a desolate city. The sky screamed with the sound of the raging fire that had engulfed the majority of her home. It was a dead world, but it was and always would be hers. Just like me.
Twenty space marines rushed out in front of me, thundering down the ramp as they secured the perimeter. They were loyal sons of hers, they had returned to this doomed planet to deliver me to her one final time. I could not begin to imagine what they must have felt, to see their world in such a crestfallen state.
I made my way down the ramp to find them in two lines on either side of me. I gazed into their helmets as I walked in the midst of two lines of space marines, they stood motionless as they waited for their orders. In my head, I thanked them, their azure shoulder pads forming an unwavering bulwark between this forsaken world and myself. They knew the sacrifice they had made the moment they stepped off the ship.
In the distance I could hear her, tearing down buildings with a single blow as she rampaged through the city. It was her home, once, and it had forgotten her. Buildings crumbled as her forsaken sons shot down a Thunderhawk in the distance. It spun as it fell, leaving behind a trail of smoke as it hurled towards the ground. I watched it as it vanished behind the burning ruins.
A guttural roar echoed through the city square as another block collapsed under the never-ending might of her rage, and the nails that spurred it.
âSheâs coming.â said the captain.
It was time.
The captain led his battle-brothers forward into the oncoming whirlwind of death.
I stood by the ship as they surged forward. Their sacrifice was a gift they had given willingly, and I would never forget that for as long as I lived.
With a crash, the buildings in front of them disintegrated in a cloud of ash and dust.
Through the fire and dust, I could see her silhouette. She was grotesque and beautiful, a winged monstrosity of rage that I adored, even in her current state.
With a furious howl, she brought down her dual chainaxes on her sons, cleaving them in two with an explosion of blood and entrails. The chains hummed with the sound of death, while the nails on her head rewarded her unbridled rage.
The dust cleared, leaving dozens of torn and dismembered space marines as she towered above their remains. Her wings spread wide as she relished the indescribable pain she had just inflicted.
Her fiery eyes locked onto me. I was next.
In that moment, there was no one, no power in the cosmos, no emperor or god, that could keep her from her Rose.
She charged at me, her axes whirring with anticipation as they neared their next victim.
A crushing weight dropped me to my knees as I looked up at the charging behemoth that I would always love.
My heart sang as she raced toward me, although I could not speak. I would embrace her one final time.
I closed my eyes, my arms outstretched.
In my ears I could hear the chains, they were deafening. My ears began to bleed as they cycled furiously, demanding blood. They were close, which meant that she must be too.
I surrendered my life, thankful for the opportunity to have known her. Out of all the planets, and the sextillions of people in the universe, I was glad to have been her Rose.
I waited for the embrace of death, although it could not keep me from her forever.
It did not come.
I opened my eyes to see her before me, her massive form diminished as she leaned down close to me.
Her rage-filled eyes burned with a never-ending fire that could never be put out. Yet, in the depths of that fire, I could see it. The look she would give me all of those years ago, a look that told me I was hers and no one else's.
âMy⌠RoseâŚ.â she spoke, her demonic voice caressing me as her words ripped through my heart.
I no longer saw a demon.
The nails were gone, her wings had vanished, her scowl faded into a resigned, yet loving smile.
Instinctively, I smiled back. How could I not?
I could have lived a million lifetimes in that moment, and still wanted more.
But it was not meant to be.
With a roar that shook the ground, she quickly returned to her corrupted self. The nails dug into the depths of her mind as they gripped her in an all-consuming grasp. The nails called, and she must answer.
I embraced her as the axe fell upon me.
I was her Rose and always would be.
2024.05.14 04:41 justaddsleep Season 4 Minion Mega Guide For All
Introduction
Hello and welcome to another Minion guide! We have seen some very big changes to our boney boys and I wanted to try and help Necromancers new and old have a deeper understanding moving into Season 4. As a forewarning, I would like to state that I am not an absolute authority on all things Minions nor do I know beyond a reasonable doubt that anything posted in this guide is 100% accurate. However, I will try to be as concise and forthcoming as possible with reliable sources and materials.Minion Changes
- Skirmisher Upgrade 2: No cooldown on the empowered critical strike or damage.
- Still not worth using over Reapers.
- Reaper Upgrade 1: Special attacks now reduce an active cooldown by 3 seconds.
- Defenders Upgrade 1: Every 6 seconds your Skeletal Defenders taunt nearby enemies.
- This made thorns warriors viable!
- Defenders Upgrade 2: Now reduce damage by 99%
- There isn't really a use case for this unless pits is smoking our army and it shouldn't be.
- Shadow Mages: Attacks now Pierce!
- Something I have wanted for a long time.
- Shadow Mage Upgrade 1: 3%[x] Universal damage multiplier for every Shadow Mage active.
- Up to 18%[x] with all 6 total Shadow Mages.
- Shadow Mage Upgrade 2: Now fires on every 3rd attack instead of 4th.
- Amazing dps increase for a mage focused build.
- Bone Mage Upgrade 1: Bone Mages now cast Bone Splinters or Bone Spear every 6th time they attack.
- Coupled with extra attack temper and extra projectiles tempers this isn't a bad option and opens up some interesting build paths.
- Abilities cast by your Bone Mages act as if they were cast by the player.
- Can trigger Lucky Hit Chance, Deathless Visage, Overpower, etc.
- Blood Golem Upgrade 1:
15% Damage Reduction> 30% Damage Reduction.- A massive singular source of DR in a now DR limited world.
- Bone Golem Upgrade 1: Now spawns 5 corpses when using the active.
- Great synergy for builds that need to activate Flesh Eater.
- Bone Golem Upgrade 2: Every 3 seconds upon taking damage your Bone Golem deals 123.2% x [Weapon Damage] and applies vulnerable to surrounding enemies for 4 seconds.
- Great if you are vulnerable starved as a thorns necromancer. Not much purpose or use outside of this as Iron Golem is better.
- Iron Golem Upgrade 1: Casts a shockwave dealing 154% x [Weapon Damage] after every 2 attacks.
- The best Golem choice unless the Blood Golem multiplier is needed to one shot bosses after potential nerfs.
- Iron Golem Upgrade 2: Pulled enemies are now also vulnerable.
Minion Skill Damage
Skeletal Warrior- Skirmisher: 18.2% "30%[x]"
- Defender: 18.2%
- Reaper: 16.8% (Special 50.4%)
- Warrior Count: 5 - 8
- Shadow: 51.6%
- Cold: 51.6%
- Bone: 78%
- Mage Count: 3 - 6
- Bone: 76.7% (Passive 123.2%)
- Blood: 76.7% (Active: 140%)
- Iron: 76.7% (Active: 200%) [Upgrade 1: 154%]
- Golem Count: 1
Attack Speed
Cap 1- Andariel's Visage: 15%[+]
- Aspect of Moonrise: 4-20%[+]
- Assault Elixir: 4-20%[+]
- Artillery Shrine: 100%[+]
- Cult Leader "Puppeteer + Magic Nodes": 10%[+]
- Paragon: 5%[+] "Flesh Eater - Culler"
- Attack Speed (Gear): 11-81%[+] "Lowest to Highest roll from one item"
- Minion Attack Speed (Gear): 20%[+] "Possibly Higher with Greater Affix"
- Kalan's Edict: 3%[+] "Per active minion up to 45%[+]"
- Hulking Monstrosity Paragon: 25%[+]
- Bone Golem Sacrifice: 10%[+]
- Rapid Aspect: 15-30%[+] "Basic Only - Does not help minions."
- Aspect of Rathma's Chosen: 50-100%[+]
- Aspect of Frenzied Dead: 30-45%[+]
- Enhanced Reap: 30%[+]
- Accelerating Aspect: 10-25%[+]
Attack speed has two seperate caps as of testing in season 3. Cap 1 can go up to 100% and Cap 2 can go up to 100%. This means a player can reach a technical total attack speed limit of 200% hard cap. While we do not as of yet know the attacks per second break points from attack speed we are working to decipher its mysteries. Involving minions, what does this mean for you? Cult Leader is supposed to cap at 100% attack speed or a damage bonus of 150%[x]. During the PTR this was bugged and surpassing the cap allowed for additional damage gains. It is "as of yet" unknown if this will be fixed moving into the start of Season 4. If you are only looking to reach the max damage potential of Cult Leader, stop at 100% from either Cap or a mixture of them both. If you are trying to increase your attacks per second, take each cap to 100% for a total of 200%.
Stat Inheritance
This one is rather easy now. Minions receive 100% of the Necromancers stats! Gone are the bygone days of calculating 30% of a given stat!Lucky Hit Chance
Minions have no Lucky Hit Chance. Any effect that they do trigger that says it is a Lucky Hit is in fact an "bug?" interaction of that skill or ability procing off of direct damage.Aspects
Almost all Aspects on gear are working as intended with the exception of a select few. I will try to get confirmation about these and update as new information is available.- Aspect of the Damned: Not working as of Season 3 / PTR. "Possibly fixed at season start."
- Conceited Aspect: Not working as of Season 3 / PTR. "Probably Intended, Minions don't get barriers"
- Aspect of Grasping Veins: Critical Chance working, Critical Strike Damage not working. "Possibly fixed at season start."
- Edgemaster's Aspect: Not working as of Season 3 / PTR. "Probably Intended"
Skills / Paragon / Glyphs
Some skills, paragon, and glyphs are less useful now that our Minions gain 100% of our stats. Season 4 testing is required to determine base values for Armor, Resistance, and Base Life values of each minion type. So far it is only known that each minion has its own separate base life value. "Tested by Seetod and Bactyrael hitting each other's minions for a long time." With this in mind, you may or may not need the added bonuses from the following. (See Bone Golem Note Thorns Users!)- Skill - Death's Defense: 4-12%[+] Armor and 8-24%[+] All Resistance to Minions. "With the new Armor cap of 9230 and resistances usually being over capped, this seems worthless for us now." (See Bone Golem Note!)
- Glyph - Mage: 35%[+] All Resistance to Minions. "184%[+] Mage damage is worth it in some contexts over another multiplier."
- Glyph - Warrior: 30%[+] Armor to Minions. "Basically never worth taking in any context" (See Bone Golem Note!)
- Paragon Nodes- Minion Armor: Requires testing but it is assumed Minions will receive the new cap of 9230 and no long need these paragon nodes. (See Bone Golem Note!)
- Paragon Nodes - Minion All Resistance: Requires testing but it is assumed Minions will receive our Resistances at 100% value and as such be capped.
Suggestions / Notes / Opinions
- Bone "Thorns from Armor" Golem: Armor increases from Death's Defense, Paragon, and Glyphs, (with the Exception of Total Armor%[+] while golem is active from Hulking Monstrosity) all seem to increase the Armor and in effect thorns that the bone golem receives. Further testing is required when Season 4 launches to confirm this.
- Minions Inherit Thorns: Whether we are taking the generic, warriors, mages, or golem temper from the Thorns Army temper manual. It is assumed but not yet confirmed that this is an additive bucket that increases the total thorns from the player to Minion/s. I did not get the manual during the PTR to test so I will update this section if needed when S4 begins. Thorns the Golem gains from Armor should be separate from the value this bonus gives.
- Kalan's Edict: As you can see from the Attack Speed segment, It is almost never in our best interest to take this Keystone. Blighted Aspect along with Gloom, Terror, Shadowblight, and Apothic Aspect are all net damage boons to almost every Minion build. I personally believe it should be changed to provide unique functionality such as a Mendeln type effect or act as an actual keystone instead of a stat stick. My Suggestion "easy solution" to the developers would be to make this give 7%[+] Attack Speed per active minion for a total of 105%[+] at 15 minions which is the most we are able to have out at one time. This would allow us to ignore attack speed rolls on gear and max out Cap 1 at 100% from our army.
- Aspect of Frenzied Dead: Great aspect, super nice being able to buff up Cap 2. Please make it 50%[+] instead of 45%[+]. You have made it so we can't reach the 100% cap 2 breakpoint by 10% while using a two hander and stop us from reaching 100% by putting this aspect on an amulet for 70%[+] and Enhanced Reap for the remaining 30%[+]. Overall this is really a quality of life change I would like to see addressed. Outside of this we are required to fill that remaining 2-10%[+] with Accelerating Aspect or Rathma's Chosen. Which is a serious over investment in stats.
- Unyielding Commander's Aspect: It is getting harder and harder to justify taking AotD or this aspect. Minions are incredibly resilient with 100% of our stats and there are plenty of instances where bone storm provides more value. I think it isn't as much a fault with this Aspect as with Army of the Dead being the worst ultimate for our class and one of the worst in the game.
- Skirmishers: They don't really have a place in a build path for us as of right now. Perhaps a crit variant will come along that competes with reapers far superior skill damage and utility? They are currently good to stack Kalan's or would be good in a Shadowblight Minion hybrid build if reapers didn't trigger more procs with their AOE and special attacks. My suggestion to the developers is to simply increase their base skill damage to either be equal to Reapers at 50% or greater than this. They should also have access to Area of Effect damage. Minions can not focus fire a target, so it feels redundant to willing choose a single target only variation when AoE choices exist.
- Bone Mages: The novelty of them killing themselves has been lost on me after a beta and 3 seasons. And because Bone Spear / Splinters deals substantially less damage than Shadow Mages, they are an inferior option. We will have to see how the meta evolves over time. Currently I wish they would remove the Emo factor.
- Ring of Mendeln: There just isn't a feasible way to scale this super well. With mages and even warriors able to hit higher numbers, it will take a serious nerf to bring this back up as a viable option.
- Deathspeaker's Pendant: Blood in general is in a bad place this season. I probably wouldn't use this but it is one of our most creative uniques. Haven't seen the damage potential but I think other amulet options or stats on an amulet will replace the want to run this. I think this should be turned into a unique focus so that it can pair well with running doombringer. And we won't be fighting between banished lord's and this.
- Mage Glyph: The Mage Glyph is now not worth taking over any other multiplier with additive damage attached such as the Amplify or Control Glyph. Previously it was one of the only ways to get additive damage for our mages at 100% value besides vulnerable damage. Now that we have 100% scaling, it is an inferior option. Once again I suggest taking the Amplify or Control Glyph for Additive Damage%[+] and a 10%[x] multiplier over this glyph. I would also like to note that minions are now resistance capped at the same time we are, we do not need the 35%[+] Minion All Resistance from the Glyph. My suggestion to the development team would be to change the bonus to a multiplier such as was done with the Golem Glyph.
- Warrior Glyph: Just like the Mage Glyph the Warrior Glyph is in the same boat of providing too little stats for too little pay off in comparison to the Essence or Exploit glyph. And just as before we no longer need the 30%[+] Minion Armor. My suggestion to the development team would be to change the bonus to a multiplier such as was done with the Golem Glyph.
Builds
Minion Leveling (1 - 100) - SeetodShadow Summoner (Endgame) - Seetod
Thorn Golem (Endgame) - Bactyrael
- https://maxroll.gg/d4/planne89930wc4#1
- After each Taunt, use Corpse Tendril and Corpse Explosion to enable multipliers.
Credits / Special Thanks
- GMS Seetod: Skill Damage, Aspects, Attack Speed Caps, Bug Finding, Putting up with me.
- GMS Team: A group of awesome players who are helping make Diablo 4 as great of an ARPG as we want it to become!
- MacroBioBoi: Shout out to our Boi for all of his hard work and communication with the development team. A lot of what we do would mean nothing without a voice and awareness. Thank you!
- Sanctuary Discord: A lot of awesome people who challenge us to find and improve our metrics of testing and approach issues from a new light.
- Bactyrael: Hey that's me! Thank you for reading this far.
Conclusion
If you would like to have your build added to the Builds section or have a specific build you want to see, please DM me. If you have any questions regarding Minions, I will try to do my best to address it. Happy hunting and good luck in Season 4!2024.05.14 03:47 CheckUrCrawlspaces Growing up, my mother forbade me from ever talking about my little brother outside the house. 50 years later, they're both dead, and I'm ready to talk
The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
âYou really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.â
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
âI'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, âhe'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
âHush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
âMama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,â he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
âYou have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!â He stood up in his chair and reached out for Motherâs ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?â he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,â Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the worldâŚ
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomasâ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me⌠he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
âWhy aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.â My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomasâ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her âonlyâ child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, âtake care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomasâ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomasâ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care ofâŚ
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingridâs help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomasâ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
âDon't worry, Mother,â I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.
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Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
âYou really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.â
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
âI'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, âhe'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
âHush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
âMama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,â he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
âYou have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!â He stood up in his chair and reached out for Motherâs ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?â he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,â Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the worldâŚ
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomasâ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me⌠he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
âWhy aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.â My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomasâ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her âonlyâ child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, âtake care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomasâ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomasâ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care ofâŚ
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingridâs help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomasâ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
âDon't worry, Mother,â I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.
2024.05.14 00:30 breathematt Smoking Bylaw
I recently moved into a new apartmentâand the strata bylaw says and quote
âAll smoking, including smoking marijuana, is prohibited on limited common property balconies and patios and within three meters of the entrance ways to the buildings, open windows and air intakes.â âNo material substances, especially burning material such as cigarettes or matches, shall be permitted to be discharged from any window, door, patio or other part of a strata lot or the common propertyâ âThank you in advance for your cooperation. Your Strata Councilâ.
I respect this hands downâIâve always tried to be a respectful smoker: I have pocket ashtrays, so i donât leave my butts laying around, I donât even ASH on the ground, and any time I see somebody approaching, I always put my cigarette out so they donât have to smell the smoke. That being said, Iâve never smoked on my balconies, Iâve never smoked right outside the buildingâand every time I go for a smoke, I walk about 5 minutes away from the buildings itself, and smoke on a hiking trail off the side of the highwayâeven at night.
Now imagine my surprise when i get an email from my landlord stating my property manager has gotten reports of me smoking outside the building. If by outside the building, you mean 200 feet away? Sure! Smoking on my patio or right outside the lobby? Absolutely not.
Iâve gotten so paranoid about these reports Iâve started walking further. I use an umbrella to shield peopleâs direct view of me smoking a cigarette so I can put it out before they see me.
There was construction today, and I didnât hear somebodyâs footsteps. A guy from my building walking his dog. Put out my smoke the moment I realized, and he yanked his dog away from me when the dog tried to sniff my leg like I was roadkill.
Iâm following the bylaw as best as I possibly can being a disabled person; I donât think I can walk further, this already causes me great strain. This is giving me such paranoia Iâm having nightmares about it. I donât want to be the cause of my roommates getting evicted.
What can I do if I keep getting reported by my neighbours? Thanks in advance for replies. ://
submitted by breathematt to legaladvicecanada [link] [comments]
âAll smoking, including smoking marijuana, is prohibited on limited common property balconies and patios and within three meters of the entrance ways to the buildings, open windows and air intakes.â âNo material substances, especially burning material such as cigarettes or matches, shall be permitted to be discharged from any window, door, patio or other part of a strata lot or the common propertyâ âThank you in advance for your cooperation. Your Strata Councilâ.
I respect this hands downâIâve always tried to be a respectful smoker: I have pocket ashtrays, so i donât leave my butts laying around, I donât even ASH on the ground, and any time I see somebody approaching, I always put my cigarette out so they donât have to smell the smoke. That being said, Iâve never smoked on my balconies, Iâve never smoked right outside the buildingâand every time I go for a smoke, I walk about 5 minutes away from the buildings itself, and smoke on a hiking trail off the side of the highwayâeven at night.
Now imagine my surprise when i get an email from my landlord stating my property manager has gotten reports of me smoking outside the building. If by outside the building, you mean 200 feet away? Sure! Smoking on my patio or right outside the lobby? Absolutely not.
Iâve gotten so paranoid about these reports Iâve started walking further. I use an umbrella to shield peopleâs direct view of me smoking a cigarette so I can put it out before they see me.
There was construction today, and I didnât hear somebodyâs footsteps. A guy from my building walking his dog. Put out my smoke the moment I realized, and he yanked his dog away from me when the dog tried to sniff my leg like I was roadkill.
Iâm following the bylaw as best as I possibly can being a disabled person; I donât think I can walk further, this already causes me great strain. This is giving me such paranoia Iâm having nightmares about it. I donât want to be the cause of my roommates getting evicted.
What can I do if I keep getting reported by my neighbours? Thanks in advance for replies. ://
2024.05.13 19:48 CRDLEUNDRTHESTR Need advice on my next steps for an unexplained chronic illness that has been getting worse
Maybe about two years before covid hit (either 2018 or 2017), I started experiecing a chronic cough. It was pretty bad at the time,
For years I pushed this off as just allergies until around 2021. I still felt like it wasn't allergies and the current medicine I was using wasn't helping. I went through extensive testing at the time from some of the top specialists in NYC. I got a chest x-ray which came back negative, there were no issues. I also had a pulmonary function test then at the time which actually came up strange to the doctors. I was told my breathing was irregular and that was it. I also had a blood test which didn't show anything at the time other than I had anemia (which was also unexplained. I used to always think it was an iron defeciency, but my doctor told me my iron levels seemed to be normal but I still was anemic)
We tried a bunch of different inhalers, none of which worked including:
Which brings us to last month-
My cough only rarely appears these days, I don't take allergy medicine, and surprisingly even though it is still a reoccuring symptom, it's not the main symptom anymore. Now as of last week I've been expericing really bad moments where I can't breathe. I used to have these moments last year and I just thought I was having a panic attack without panicking (no my life isn't stressful at all), now suddenly they've become a LOT more frequent and noticeable which ended up worrying me. Now my breath feels like it's only at 70-80% what it used to be, my chest started hurting a lot more (stinging feeling in the center and the heart area, and occasionally burns. This has happened every day almost since around this time last month.
This prompted me to go to a local doctor who ran a chest xray, which showed up normal, no dark spots etc, and a simple lung function test. The doctor noticed from the PFT that my breathing was off and there were slight signs of inflamation. The doctor concluded that it was bronchitis, which also made sense. I was perscribed Serentide which really helped a lot with my breathing although it didn't stop random flare ups where I couldn't breathe which happened after I ate and laid down.
My breathing was fixed but the random flare ups worried me still so I wanted to go to a doctor to see how I could manage them. Since I'm in a new country now, I went to another doctor, showed them my results from the previous tests, and for some reason, had another chest x-ray. They told me that it didn't really look like bronchitis and everything was relatively normal. At first they thought it could have been asthma, but I told them asthma treatment didn't really work for me so they also decided to test out allergy treatment. It has been about a few days since they've perscribed Singulair and they told me to stop using the inhaler I was given.
Currently I feel like my breathing has slightly gotten slightly worse since dropping the inhaler and the flare ups haven't stopped, but maybe the effects haven't set in yet.
What are my next steps? What tests should I get? Does anyone have any idea what possibly could be wrong? I don't want to push this off as just allergies again and then have an even worse symtpom years ago because the allergy diagnosis was wrong.
Tl;dr symptoms:
submitted by CRDLEUNDRTHESTR to AskDocs [link] [comments]
- It happened every day, some days worse than others, always dry
- It didn't show up at any particular time, usually throughout the entire day however for the first time ever last week it stopped me from sleeping- I kept coughing while sleeping which kept waking me up. This has never happened before until then, and hasn't happened since then.
For years I pushed this off as just allergies until around 2021. I still felt like it wasn't allergies and the current medicine I was using wasn't helping. I went through extensive testing at the time from some of the top specialists in NYC. I got a chest x-ray which came back negative, there were no issues. I also had a pulmonary function test then at the time which actually came up strange to the doctors. I was told my breathing was irregular and that was it. I also had a blood test which didn't show anything at the time other than I had anemia (which was also unexplained. I used to always think it was an iron defeciency, but my doctor told me my iron levels seemed to be normal but I still was anemic)
We tried a bunch of different inhalers, none of which worked including:
- The famous blue asthma inhaler (did nothing for me)
- Ellipta (the inhaler with the top that flips up, didn't really do anything)
- Symbicort (didn't fix the cough, but I remember at the time it helped me breath a lot better)
Which brings us to last month-
My cough only rarely appears these days, I don't take allergy medicine, and surprisingly even though it is still a reoccuring symptom, it's not the main symptom anymore. Now as of last week I've been expericing really bad moments where I can't breathe. I used to have these moments last year and I just thought I was having a panic attack without panicking (no my life isn't stressful at all), now suddenly they've become a LOT more frequent and noticeable which ended up worrying me. Now my breath feels like it's only at 70-80% what it used to be, my chest started hurting a lot more (stinging feeling in the center and the heart area, and occasionally burns. This has happened every day almost since around this time last month.
This prompted me to go to a local doctor who ran a chest xray, which showed up normal, no dark spots etc, and a simple lung function test. The doctor noticed from the PFT that my breathing was off and there were slight signs of inflamation. The doctor concluded that it was bronchitis, which also made sense. I was perscribed Serentide which really helped a lot with my breathing although it didn't stop random flare ups where I couldn't breathe which happened after I ate and laid down.
My breathing was fixed but the random flare ups worried me still so I wanted to go to a doctor to see how I could manage them. Since I'm in a new country now, I went to another doctor, showed them my results from the previous tests, and for some reason, had another chest x-ray. They told me that it didn't really look like bronchitis and everything was relatively normal. At first they thought it could have been asthma, but I told them asthma treatment didn't really work for me so they also decided to test out allergy treatment. It has been about a few days since they've perscribed Singulair and they told me to stop using the inhaler I was given.
Currently I feel like my breathing has slightly gotten slightly worse since dropping the inhaler and the flare ups haven't stopped, but maybe the effects haven't set in yet.
What are my next steps? What tests should I get? Does anyone have any idea what possibly could be wrong? I don't want to push this off as just allergies again and then have an even worse symtpom years ago because the allergy diagnosis was wrong.
Tl;dr symptoms:
- Chronic cough that has gotten a little bit better
- breathlessness/shortness of breath at usually after eating and laying down when I feel bloated, but also appears at random times (not really the same as being out of breath from exercising, and I also don't experience it after doing physical tasks such as walking up a large flight of stairs)
- Chest pains (sharp stinging in the center and heart area, and slight burning)
- When I woke up, I felt like there was something stuck in my throat and I had to burp a lot. Also my throat hurts every time I yawn currently. (I put my symptoms into ChatGPT and it told me these were symptoms of either GERD or Throat Cancer? I don't know much about GERD but it also sounds believable)
- For the last two weeks my voice was hoarse, but that could have been due to the inhaler. Now that I'm not taking the inhaler this symptom is gone
- I do not smoke, but I used to hang out around smokers (not anymore)
- Age 27M
- I have sleep apnea which could be genetic since it's in the family
- I used to be an unhealthy eater until recently, however I am not extremely overweight, and I have been eating healthy for the past two months
- Height: 178 cm
- Weight: 73 kg
- Currently in Bangkok but I'm American for resources if you have any.
2024.05.13 18:33 freddiemercurial 45 [M4F] UK/Anywhere - I like cute women who like cuddles
Iâm after the relationship that goes the distance, the one that results in love and, when the time is right, the âm wordâ. I canât think of anything I look forward to more than spending my life with the woman I love.
I love physical displays of affection, both public and otherwise. Gestures like holding, hugging, etc, are something I adore and would always welcome, especially because I love the excitement and warm feeling that come with being close to the one you love.
The person I am after is someone who is kind and caring, somebody that I can relaxed around. I donât want the stress of being around someone who gets set off my the smallest thing. My sense of humour is varied, although it can best be described as something of a mix of Chandler Bing (RIP) and Edmund Blackadder.
When weâre together, my ideal night would involve spending our time at home, curled up on the sofa together and watching a film, or playing a game, although Iâm not against the occasional day/night out if itâs just the two of us.I watch little in the way of current TV or films, and almost no sport. My main solo hobbies can be found on my friends post.
If weâre apart, as I presume we would be in the early days of our relationship, then, because I game a fair bit, Iâd be open to you watching me play something, or vice versa if you game as well. We could also chat while we play our own individual games. We can also watch films, TV, etc, or whatever may bring us closer together.
Iâm in the UK, so I would prefer to talk to someone who is also in the UK, as it would make things convenient for the both of us, and it would also make meeting up easier, and I would want to meet up if things progress well. However, I am open to talking to people who are overseas, as long as youâre moving to the UK in the near future, and that the move is, if not set in stone, then is at least guaranteed to happen or to be able to happen. Be aware that I am unable to travel overseas, although not for any nefarious reason.
Iâm a vegetarian, though I donât mind being around meat eaters as long as theyâre respectful of how I feel. I donât drink and, while Iâm okay being with someone who does, it wonât work if youâre a person who drinks frequently. Iâm non-religious and non-spiritual, and this will never change, and my views are generally what youâd call progressive and liberal. Disparate views are one thing, but if you use terms like âPC/PC cultureâ, âliberalâ or âwokeâ as pejoratives, we will not get along. In addition, I do not smoke and will not be with a smoker.
Iâm okay with either private messaging or Reddit chat, though Iâd like to move off Reddit once we both feel comfortable doing so. Once weâve moved to a different platform, exchanging pictures is then also something that would be done once weâre both comfortable, as would voice and video chat, especially because the best way to really get to know someone is through real-time communication.
Your opening message doesnât have to be that long, just give me something to work with, something that can spark conversation. If you have any questions, queries, posers, then feel free to ask.
submitted by freddiemercurial to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]
I love physical displays of affection, both public and otherwise. Gestures like holding, hugging, etc, are something I adore and would always welcome, especially because I love the excitement and warm feeling that come with being close to the one you love.
The person I am after is someone who is kind and caring, somebody that I can relaxed around. I donât want the stress of being around someone who gets set off my the smallest thing. My sense of humour is varied, although it can best be described as something of a mix of Chandler Bing (RIP) and Edmund Blackadder.
When weâre together, my ideal night would involve spending our time at home, curled up on the sofa together and watching a film, or playing a game, although Iâm not against the occasional day/night out if itâs just the two of us.I watch little in the way of current TV or films, and almost no sport. My main solo hobbies can be found on my friends post.
If weâre apart, as I presume we would be in the early days of our relationship, then, because I game a fair bit, Iâd be open to you watching me play something, or vice versa if you game as well. We could also chat while we play our own individual games. We can also watch films, TV, etc, or whatever may bring us closer together.
Iâm in the UK, so I would prefer to talk to someone who is also in the UK, as it would make things convenient for the both of us, and it would also make meeting up easier, and I would want to meet up if things progress well. However, I am open to talking to people who are overseas, as long as youâre moving to the UK in the near future, and that the move is, if not set in stone, then is at least guaranteed to happen or to be able to happen. Be aware that I am unable to travel overseas, although not for any nefarious reason.
Iâm a vegetarian, though I donât mind being around meat eaters as long as theyâre respectful of how I feel. I donât drink and, while Iâm okay being with someone who does, it wonât work if youâre a person who drinks frequently. Iâm non-religious and non-spiritual, and this will never change, and my views are generally what youâd call progressive and liberal. Disparate views are one thing, but if you use terms like âPC/PC cultureâ, âliberalâ or âwokeâ as pejoratives, we will not get along. In addition, I do not smoke and will not be with a smoker.
Iâm okay with either private messaging or Reddit chat, though Iâd like to move off Reddit once we both feel comfortable doing so. Once weâve moved to a different platform, exchanging pictures is then also something that would be done once weâre both comfortable, as would voice and video chat, especially because the best way to really get to know someone is through real-time communication.
Your opening message doesnât have to be that long, just give me something to work with, something that can spark conversation. If you have any questions, queries, posers, then feel free to ask.
2024.05.13 17:33 ThrownAwayTrashGirl I'm a convicted sex offender, ama
I'm a convicted sex offender(possession of cp). This is a throwaway account for multiple reasons, but mainly I am posting here to take questions on things and to educate people on various things, seeing the clues to see the symptoms of depression, abuse and so on.
So a little background on what led me to where I am.
A lot of my life is a fog, mainly due to a lot of abuse and developing the forgetfulness as a defense. You see, when I was extremely young, I was sexually abused by a man. This trauma in and of itself began the defense mechanism. Im still not sure, im working in therapy to discover more and uncover more of what happened.
Anyway, moving forward, my father and stepmother would do drugs in front of me, smoke a lot and argue fiercely to the point of destroying things, throwing ashtrays and so on.
My parents would use me against the other. Because of my mother, I didnt even call my dad anything other than his name until I was 6. This is the same woman that bullied me into my 20's, calling me names, belting us kids, usually on the back of our thighs, and so on.
Its not to say that I didnt also have decent time as a child. I got toys and games and clothes, same as my siblings. But I dont think my mother was emotionally there, she still does things that feel like a stab in the back.
Throughout childhood, I was bullied by just about everyone, due to the emotional issues I was given growing up by my parents, so I didnt know how to behave. Then after displaying such, im told I was taken to McDonalds by my mother, like its some reward to try and make me be behave better, but really reinforces being terrible.
Apparently sexual things were ever on my mind from an early age as I and a cousin played show and tell and touched at young ages, but nothing else developed. An older cousin had me suck her nipples when I wasnt even a teenager.
I was a bundle of bad decisions up until high school, when I began to mellow out emotionally. Still bullied but calmer. I began to develop longer friendships with those my age and date somewhat. My first sexual relationship was with a girl who cheated on me with a friend, claiming that, at a party, she got high from secondhand weed smoke and made that bad decision, but being an oversexed teen, I forgave to get sex.
It was during these years that the internet became much more of a thing in my life, looking at porn a lot, usually early in the morning before school and before anyone got up.
You see, we had one computer in the house and so in middle school, I began to get up at about 3am, we went to bed at 9pm in our house, and so I would set a clock and get up.
During these hours, i would look at porn, sex stories, roleplay sexual things with adults, after I developed my writing skill...Being oversexed and now able to have a place to put it on display, I roleplayed from 13 years old and older and plenty of adults knew I was a young teen and went along with it.
It didnt take me until many years later that id come to realize I wanted the attention because I wasnt getting it anywhere else. I equated sex with love. If someone loved me, they'd do sexual things with me in one form or the other.
I met a girl and started dating her out of high school, basically because she was dtf. I moved in with her when I was still in high school because my mother made living with her miserable to my high school brain, plus all she ever did was bully me and just be a hateful person, which only seemed to somewhat change after prison.
This was a mistake on my part. I had to work fastfood, but due to unresolved issues, I quit or was fired from a few different jobs and was forced to stay with my father for a bit until I resolved to go to college. It was too far away for me to keep good grades and dropped out. I did this twice more, even at colleges that were closer.
We were together for a decade and she cheated on me, I cheated on her as revenge. Unhealthy. She was just as bad as my mother by the end but she ran off and got married and pregnant, so it was at this time I found that I cannot have children, because in 11 years, she never caught with me. It was devastating, since I can't have children biologically in any possible way. Making my depression worse. I thought before prison I would kill myself, and almost did, if not for family pulling up at the last moment at my home. Then prison made me consider using my belt. Then I had a mouthful of antidepressants. Didnt swallow though. You know youre fucked when the only reason you want to live is so that others wont be sad you left. I couldnt care if i lived or died, but I cared what would happen to other people.
Let me explain why things were devastating; I love children. No, not in that way. I hate when adults hurt kids. I dont even like watching that on television. My first and last episode of Full Metal Alchemist was the Mina one and I absolutely cried.
However, years later, after more failed relationships, I was arrested for possession of child porn. Why did I have it? Few reasons that therapy has helped me realize. Firstly, my therapist has determined that I am not a pedophile. Its deeper than that.
Now let me explain something about my case. I sat in my home and did the bad thing. The government actually had to tell the victims that they were victims. I didnt touch anyone, I didnt talk to anyone. Take that morality as you will that the government had to inform the children that they were victimized, all while the government wont delete the porn from the internet. Yes, they in fact own a majority of these sites and content. Im not makkng excuses for me, im just stating the obvious criminal behavior of the US government.
Now, when I got out, I started getting therapy once a week. Still I was in a fog though. Im not exactly sure how therapy can get me back those memories and help me discover who sexually abused me at a young age. But im trying.
However, therapy has me trying to date older people to see if that helps and really, yes. I met a woman older than me by far and strangely enough, it has alleviated a lot of the mental bullshittery that I usually had with people around my age or younger.
When I was paranoid of being left before, so I would use dating apps to find a backup for the inevitable, that I felt unloved and unwanted, I dont now. I feel accepted, wanted, loved and I assume I am equati g being with her as love and support of an authority figure with benefits. As screwy as it sounds.
So, if your child may be displaying odd behavior, look into it. Be open about things. You NEED your child to be able to come to you with any issue. They need you to be there for them. Not be a prude or overtly douchebaggy that wont even talk about sex. They need to know what is right and wrong for their safety and future. They need therapy to help. They need you to act like a freaking adult. If my parents had been adults, I might've been able to express myself in a place I felt was safe, instead of being scared all the time of what my parents may think.
I probably havent thought of everything to explain here, so please, ama. Trolls will be ignored. I get that it is reddit, but seriously, grow up, trolls.
Ama
submitted by ThrownAwayTrashGirl to confessions [link] [comments]
So a little background on what led me to where I am.
A lot of my life is a fog, mainly due to a lot of abuse and developing the forgetfulness as a defense. You see, when I was extremely young, I was sexually abused by a man. This trauma in and of itself began the defense mechanism. Im still not sure, im working in therapy to discover more and uncover more of what happened.
Anyway, moving forward, my father and stepmother would do drugs in front of me, smoke a lot and argue fiercely to the point of destroying things, throwing ashtrays and so on.
My parents would use me against the other. Because of my mother, I didnt even call my dad anything other than his name until I was 6. This is the same woman that bullied me into my 20's, calling me names, belting us kids, usually on the back of our thighs, and so on.
Its not to say that I didnt also have decent time as a child. I got toys and games and clothes, same as my siblings. But I dont think my mother was emotionally there, she still does things that feel like a stab in the back.
Throughout childhood, I was bullied by just about everyone, due to the emotional issues I was given growing up by my parents, so I didnt know how to behave. Then after displaying such, im told I was taken to McDonalds by my mother, like its some reward to try and make me be behave better, but really reinforces being terrible.
Apparently sexual things were ever on my mind from an early age as I and a cousin played show and tell and touched at young ages, but nothing else developed. An older cousin had me suck her nipples when I wasnt even a teenager.
I was a bundle of bad decisions up until high school, when I began to mellow out emotionally. Still bullied but calmer. I began to develop longer friendships with those my age and date somewhat. My first sexual relationship was with a girl who cheated on me with a friend, claiming that, at a party, she got high from secondhand weed smoke and made that bad decision, but being an oversexed teen, I forgave to get sex.
It was during these years that the internet became much more of a thing in my life, looking at porn a lot, usually early in the morning before school and before anyone got up.
You see, we had one computer in the house and so in middle school, I began to get up at about 3am, we went to bed at 9pm in our house, and so I would set a clock and get up.
During these hours, i would look at porn, sex stories, roleplay sexual things with adults, after I developed my writing skill...Being oversexed and now able to have a place to put it on display, I roleplayed from 13 years old and older and plenty of adults knew I was a young teen and went along with it.
It didnt take me until many years later that id come to realize I wanted the attention because I wasnt getting it anywhere else. I equated sex with love. If someone loved me, they'd do sexual things with me in one form or the other.
I met a girl and started dating her out of high school, basically because she was dtf. I moved in with her when I was still in high school because my mother made living with her miserable to my high school brain, plus all she ever did was bully me and just be a hateful person, which only seemed to somewhat change after prison.
This was a mistake on my part. I had to work fastfood, but due to unresolved issues, I quit or was fired from a few different jobs and was forced to stay with my father for a bit until I resolved to go to college. It was too far away for me to keep good grades and dropped out. I did this twice more, even at colleges that were closer.
We were together for a decade and she cheated on me, I cheated on her as revenge. Unhealthy. She was just as bad as my mother by the end but she ran off and got married and pregnant, so it was at this time I found that I cannot have children, because in 11 years, she never caught with me. It was devastating, since I can't have children biologically in any possible way. Making my depression worse. I thought before prison I would kill myself, and almost did, if not for family pulling up at the last moment at my home. Then prison made me consider using my belt. Then I had a mouthful of antidepressants. Didnt swallow though. You know youre fucked when the only reason you want to live is so that others wont be sad you left. I couldnt care if i lived or died, but I cared what would happen to other people.
Let me explain why things were devastating; I love children. No, not in that way. I hate when adults hurt kids. I dont even like watching that on television. My first and last episode of Full Metal Alchemist was the Mina one and I absolutely cried.
However, years later, after more failed relationships, I was arrested for possession of child porn. Why did I have it? Few reasons that therapy has helped me realize. Firstly, my therapist has determined that I am not a pedophile. Its deeper than that.
- I wanted attention because I was single at the time and back to being mentally abused by my mother when I would visit more often due to my loneliness. So I wanted to be caught. Dumbest choice ever, but it led to me finally able to get therapy.
- I wanted to be those children. Let me explain: As a sexual abuse victim, I always equated sex to love. I wanted that more and more and being without sex for five years at the time, I wanted to trade places with them and be that age again. I wanted a parent's 'love' or any adult's for that matter.
Now let me explain something about my case. I sat in my home and did the bad thing. The government actually had to tell the victims that they were victims. I didnt touch anyone, I didnt talk to anyone. Take that morality as you will that the government had to inform the children that they were victimized, all while the government wont delete the porn from the internet. Yes, they in fact own a majority of these sites and content. Im not makkng excuses for me, im just stating the obvious criminal behavior of the US government.
Now, when I got out, I started getting therapy once a week. Still I was in a fog though. Im not exactly sure how therapy can get me back those memories and help me discover who sexually abused me at a young age. But im trying.
However, therapy has me trying to date older people to see if that helps and really, yes. I met a woman older than me by far and strangely enough, it has alleviated a lot of the mental bullshittery that I usually had with people around my age or younger.
When I was paranoid of being left before, so I would use dating apps to find a backup for the inevitable, that I felt unloved and unwanted, I dont now. I feel accepted, wanted, loved and I assume I am equati g being with her as love and support of an authority figure with benefits. As screwy as it sounds.
So, if your child may be displaying odd behavior, look into it. Be open about things. You NEED your child to be able to come to you with any issue. They need you to be there for them. Not be a prude or overtly douchebaggy that wont even talk about sex. They need to know what is right and wrong for their safety and future. They need therapy to help. They need you to act like a freaking adult. If my parents had been adults, I might've been able to express myself in a place I felt was safe, instead of being scared all the time of what my parents may think.
I probably havent thought of everything to explain here, so please, ama. Trolls will be ignored. I get that it is reddit, but seriously, grow up, trolls.
Ama
2024.05.13 17:11 calvin324hk [H] 1000+ Games / DLCs / VR Games [W] Paypal / Wishlist / Offers
https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/pikmri/calvin324hks_igs_rep_page/
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Wishlist
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DLCs and Softwares:
submitted by calvin324hk to indiegameswap [link] [comments]
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/of2wzu/flair_profile_ucalvin324hk/
Wishlist
Region: NA (Canada)
Fees on buyer if any, currency is USD unless specified
CTRL + F to find your games in terms of name
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- Rebel Galaxy
- Rebel Galaxy Outlaw
- Red Faction Guerrilla Re-Mars-tered
- Red Riding Hood - Star Crossed Lovers
- Red Ronin
- RED SOLSTICE 2: SURVIVORS
- Redout Complete Bundle
- Redout: Enhanced Edition
- Redout: Enhanced Edition + DLC pack
- Regular Human Basketball
- REKT! High Octane Stunts
- Relicta
- REMNANT: FROM THE ASHES - COMPLETE EDITION
- Republique
- Rescue Party: Live!
- Resident Evil 0 HD REMASTER
- Resident Evil 4
- Resident Evil 5 Gold Edition
- Resident Evil 7 Biohazard
- Resident Evil Revelations
- Resort Boss: Golf
- RETROWAVE
- rFactor 2
- RiME
- Ring of Pain
- Rise of Industry + 2130 DLC
- Rise of the Slime
- Rising Storm 2: Vietnam + 2 DLCs
- Riven: The Sequel to MYST
- River City Girls
- River City Ransom: Underground
- Roarr! Jurassic Edition
- Roboquest
- Robot Squad Simulator 2017
- Rogue : Genesia
- ROGUE HEROES: RUINS OF TASOS
- ROGUE LORDS
- Rogue Stormers
- rollercoaster tycoon 2
- ROTASTIC
- Roundguard
- ROUNDS
- RUNNING WITH RIFLES
- Rustler
- Ryse: Son of Rome
- S.W.I.N.E. HD Remaster
- Sailing Era
- Saint Row
- Sam and Max Devil's Playhouse
- SAMUDRA
- Sands of Aura
- Sands of Salzaar
- Saturday Morning RPG
- Save Room - Organization Puzzle
- Scarlet Tower
- Scorn
- SCP: 5K
- SCUM
- SEARCH PARTY: Director's Cut
- Second Extinction
- Secret Government
- Serious Sam 3 Bonus Content DLC, Serious Sam 3: Jewel of the Nile, and Serious Sam 3: BFE
- SEUM speedrunners from hell
- SEUM: Speedrunners from Hell
- Severed Steel
- Shadow Tactics: Aiko's Choice
- Shadowgate
- SHADOWS: AWAKENING
- Shape of the World
- She Sees Red - Interactive Movie
- Shenmue I & II
- SHENZHEN I/O
- Shift Happens
- Shing!
- Shoppe Keep 2 - Business and Agriculture RPG Simulation
- Shotgun King: The Final Checkmate
- Sid Meier's Civilization VI
- Sid Meier's Railroads!
- Sifu Deluxe Edition Upgrade Bundle (EPIC)
- Silver Chains
- SimCity 4 Deluxe Edition
- Sinking Island
- SINNER: Sacrifice for Redemption
- Skautfold Chapters 1-4
- Skullgirls 2nd Encore
- Slain: Back from Hell
- Slap City
- Slash It
- Slash It 2
- Slash It Ultimate
- Slay the Spire
- Slaycation Paradise
- Small World
- Smart Factory Tycoon
- Smile For Me
- Smoke and Sacrifice
- Smoke and Sacrifice
- Smushi Come Home
- Snail bob 2 tiny troubles
- Sniper Elite 3
- Sniper Elite 3 + Season Pass DLC
- Sniper Elite 4 Deluxe Edition
- Sniper Ghost Warrior 3 - Season Pass Edition
- Sniper Ghost Warrior Contracts
- Snooker 19
- SONG OF HORROR COMPLETE EDITION
- Songs of Conquest
- Sonic Adventure 2
- Sonic Adventure DX
- Sonic and SEGA All Stars Racing
- Sonic Generations Collection
- Soulblight
- Souldiers
- SOULSTICE
- Soundfall
- Source of Madness
- Spartan Fist
- Spec Ops
- Speed Limit
- Spelunx and the Caves of Mr. Seudo
- Spidersaurs
- Spin Rush
- Spirit Hunter: Death Mark
- Spirit of the Island
- Spirit of the North
- Spring Bonus
- Stairs
- STAR WARS - Knights of the Old Republic
- STAR WARS - The Force Unleashed Ultimate Sith Edition
- STAR WARS Jedi Knight II - Jedi Outcast
- Star Wolves
- Starsand
- STASIS: Bone Totem
- State of Decay 2: Juggernaut Edition
- Steel Ratsâ˘
- Stick Fight: The Game
- Still Life
- Still Life 2
- Stirring Abyss
- STONE
- Strange Brigade
- Strange Brigade Deluxe Edition
- STRANGER
- Strategic Command: World War I
- Strategic Mind: Blitzkrieg
- Strategic Mind: Fight for Freedom
- Strategic Mind: Spectre of Communism
- Strategic Mind: Spirit of Liberty
- Strategy & Tactics: Wargame Collection
- Streamer Life Simulator
- Street Fighter V
- Street of fury ex
- Strider
- Strikey Sisters
- Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
- Styx: Master of Shadows
- Styx: Shards of Darkness
- SuchArt
- Sudden Strike Gold
- Suite 776
- Sumoman
- Sunblaze
- SUNLESS BUNDLE
- Sunset Overdrive
- Super Buff HD
- Super Mag Bot
- Superbugs: Awaken
- Superhot
- Surgeon Simulator 2
- Survive the Nights
- Surviving Mars
- Surviving The Aftermath
- Swag and Sorcery
- Sword Legacy Omen
- Sword of the Necromancer
- Swords and Soldiers 2 Shawarmageddon
- Syberia 3
- Symphonic Rain
- Symphony of War: The Nephilim Saga
- Synthwave Dream '85
- Tacoma
- Take Off - The Flight Simulator
- Tales
- Tales from the Borderlands
- Tales of Vesperiaâ˘: Definitive Edition
- Talk to Strangers
- Tallowmere
- Tangledeep
- Tank Mechanic Simulator
- Tannenberg
- Team Sonic Racing
- TEKKEN 7
- TEMTEM
- Terminus: Zombie Survivors
- Terror of Hemasaurus
- Textorcist
- Tharsis
- The Adventure Pals
- The Amazing American Circus
- The Anacrusis
- The Ascent
- The Battle of Polytopia
- The Battle of Polytopia *DLC1. Cymanti Tribe *DLC2. ââŤáťšriȹŠTribe *DLC3. Aquarion Tribe *DLC4. Polaris Tribe
- The Blackout Club
- The Chess Variants Club
- The Citadel
- The Dark Pictures Anthology: House of Ashes
- THE DARK PICTURES ANTHOLOGY: LITTLE HOPE
- The Darkest Tales
- The Dungeon Beneath
- The Dungeon of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet of Chaos
- The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Redguard
- The Elder Scrolls III: MorrowindÂŽ Game of the Year Edition
- The Elder Scrolls IV: OblivionÂŽ Game of the Year Edition
- The Elder Scrolls Online
- The Escapists 2
- THE GAME OF LIFE 2
- The Golf Club⢠2019 featuring PGA TOUR
- THE GUNK
- The Haunted Island, a Frog Detective Game
- The Hong Kong Massacre
- The Horror Of Salazar House
- The Indie Mixtape
- The Innsmouth Case
- The Invisible Hours
- The Jackbox Party Pack 9
- The Last Campfire
- The LEGO Movie 2 Videogame
- The Letter - Horror Visual Novel
- The Long Dark
- The Manhole: Masterpiece Edition
- The Mortuary Assistant
- The Mummy Demastered
- The Outer Worlds
- THE OUTER WORLDS: SPACER'S CHOICE EDITION
- THE PALE BEYOND
- The Quarry
- The Quarry deluxe
- The Ramp
- The Red Lantern
- The Rewinder
- The Sacred Tears TRUE
- The Sexy Brutale
- The Smurfs - Mission Vileaf
- The Tarnishing of Juxtia
- The Tenants
- The Uncertain - The Last Quiet Day
- THE UNCERTAIN: LAST QUIET DAY
- The Uncertain: Light At The End
- The USB Stick Found in the Grass
- The Walking Dead
- The Walking Dead - 400 Days
- The Walking Dead Saints and Sinners
- The Walking Dead: A New Frontier
- The Walking Dead: Final Season
- The Walking Dead: Michonne - A Telltale Miniseries
- The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners
- The Walking Dead: Season 1
- The Walking Dead: Season Two
- The Way
- The Wild At Heart
- The Wild Eight
- The Witness
- Them and Us
- They Bleed Pixels
- Thief of Thieves
- This War of Mine
- This Way Madness Lies
- Three Kingdom: The Journey
- Time on Frog Island
- Tinkertown
- Tiny Tinaâs Wonderland(EU)
- TINY TINA'S WONDERLANDS CHAOTIC GREAT EDITION
- Tiny Troopers
- Tinykin
- Tinytopia
- TIS-100
- Titan Quest
- Tokyo Xanadu eX+
- Tools up
- Tooth and Tail
- Torchlight
- Total Tank Simulator
- Tour de France 2020
- Tower Unite
- Trailblazers
- Train Sim World 3: Standard Edition
- Train Simulator Classic
- Train Valley 1
- Transport INC
- Treasure Hunter Simulator
- TRIBES OF MIDGARD
- Trine 4
- Trinity Fusion
- Trombone Champ
- Tropico 5 - Complete Collection
- Trover Saves the Universe
- Tunche
- Turmoil
- Turok 2: Seeds of Evil
- Twin Mirror
- Two Point Campus
- Two Point Hospital
- TYPECAST
- Tyrant's Blessing
- Ultimate Chicken Horse
- Ultimate Zombie Defense
- Ultra Space Battle Brawl
- Unavowed
- Undead Horde
- Unexplored 2: The Wayfarer's Legacy
- Unity of Command: Stalingrad Campaign
- Universim
- UNLOVED
- Unpacking
- Until I have you
- Unto The End
- Upside Down
- URU: Complete Chronicles
- Vagante
- Valfaris
- Valfaris: Mecha Therion
- Valkryia Chronicles 4 Complete Edition
- Valkyria Chronicles 4 Complete Edition
- Valkyria Chronicles 4: Complete Edition
- Vambrace: Cold Soul
- Vampire Survivors
- Vectronom
- Velocity Noodle
- Venba
- Verne: The Shape of Fantasy
- Victoria 3
- Victoria II
- Viking: Battle For Asgard
- Virgo Versus The Zodiac
- VirtuaVerse
- Visage
- Viscerafest
- Void Bastards
- VOIDIGO
- Volcanoids
- Voltage High Society
- V-Rally 4
- Wanderlust: Travel Stories (GOG)
- Wargroove
- Warhammer 40,000 Sanctus Reach - Complete Edition
- Warhammer 40,000: Armageddon - Imperium Complete
- Warhammer 40,000: Battlesector
- Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
- Warhammer 40,000: Mechanicus
- Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf Special Edition
- WARHAMMER AGE OF SIGMAR: REALMS OF RUIN â ULTIMATE EDITION
- Warhammer vermintide collector's edition
- Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide
- Warhammer: Vermintide 2
- Warman
- Wasteland 3
- Wayward
- WE NEED TO GO DEEPER
- We should talk.
- We Were Here Together
- We Were Here Too
- Webbed
- What Lies in the Multiverse
- When Ski Lifts Go Wrong
- while True: learn()
- Whos Your daddy
- Wick
- Will You Snail?
- Windward
- Witch It
- Witchy Life Story
- wizard of legends
- Wolfenstein 3D
- Worms Rumble
- WRC 6 FIA World Rally Championship
- WRC 7 FIA World Rally Championship
- WWE 2K Battlegrounds
- WWE 2K23
- WWZ Aftermath
- Wytchwood
- X-COM: COMPLETE PACK
- XCOM: ULTIMATE COLLECTION
- XIII - Classic
- X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
- X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack
- Yakuza Kiwami
- Yumeutsutsu Re:After
- Yumeutsutsu Re:Master
- Zen Chess: Mate in One, Mate in 2 , Mate in 3 , Mate in 4 , Champion's Moves (5 games)
- Ziggurat
- Zombie Army 4
- Zombie Army Trilogy
- Zool Redimensioned
- For The King: Lost Civilization Adventure Pack
- Train Simulator: Isle of Wight Route Add-On
- Train Simulator: Woodhead Electric Railway in Blue Route Add-On
- Train Simulator: North Somerset Railway Route Add-On
- Train Simulator: Union Pacific Heritage SD70ACes Loco Add-On
- Train Simulator: London to Brighton Route Add-On
- BR Class 170 'Turbostar' DMU Add-On
- DB BR 648 Loco Add-On
- Europa Universalis IV: Wealth of Nations
- Expansion - Europa Universalis IV: Conquest of Paradise
- Expansion - Europa Universalis IV: Res Publica
- Grand Central Class 180 'Adelante' DMU Add-On
- Peninsula Corridor: San Francisco - Gilroy Route Add-On
- SONIC ADVENTURE 2: BATTLE
- Small World - A Spider's Web
- Small World - Cursed
- Small World - Royal Bonus
- The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos - Goodies Pack
- The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos - OST
- Thompson Class B1 Loco Add-On
- Total War: Shogun 2 - Rise of the Samurai
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ 3: Birmingham Cross-city line
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: BR Class 20 'Chopper' Loco
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Brighton Main Line: London Victoria - Brighton
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Caltrain MP36PH-3C 'Baby Bullet'
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Cathcart Circle Line: Glasgow - Newton & Neilston
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Clinchfield Railroad: Elkhorn - Dante
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Great Western Express
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Hauptstrecke Hamburg - Lubeck
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: LIRR M3 EMU
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Long Island Rail Road: New York - Hicksville
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Nahverkehr Dresden - Riesa
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Northern Trans-Pennine: Manchester - Leeds
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Peninsula Corridor: San Francisco - San Jose
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Rhein-Ruhr Osten: Wuppertal - Hagen
- Train Sim WorldÂŽ: Tees Valley Line: Darlington - Saltburn-by-the-sea
- Worms Rumble - Armageddon Weapon Skin Pack
- Worms Rumble - Captain & Shark Double Pack
- Worms Rumble - Legends Pack
- Worms Rumble - New Challengers Pack
- Ashampoo Photo Optimizer 7
- Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
- Duke Nukem Forever Hail to the Icons
- Duke Nukem Forever The Doctor Who Cloned Me
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Cygon Garage Kit
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Nyvoss Garage Kit
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Terra Garage Kit
- GRIP: Combat Racing - Vintek Garage Kit
- GameGuru
- GameMaker Studio 2 Creator 12 Months
- Intro to Game Development with Unity
- Music Maker EDM Edition
- Neverwinter Nights: Darkness Over Daggerford
- Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition Dark Dreams of Furiae
- Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition Tyrants of the Moonsea
- Neverwinter Nights: Enhanced Edition
- Neverwinter Nights: Infinite Dungeons
- Neverwinter Nights: Pirates of the Sword Coast
- Neverwinter Nights: Wyvern Crown of Cormyr
- PDF-Suite 1 Year License
- Pathfinder Second Edition Core Rulebook and Starfinder Core Rulebook
- RPG Maker VX
- WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS - Ultimate Brawlers Pass
- We Are Alright
- The Outer Worlds Expansion Pass
- A Hat in Time - Seal the Deal DLC
- City Skylines:mass transit
- A Game Of Thrones - A Dance With Dragons
- A Game Of Thrones - A Feast For Crows
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition - Gods of Asgard
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition - Mythical Monsters
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition - Mystics of Midgard
- Carcassonne - The Princess and The Dragon DLC
- Carcassonne - Traders & Builders DLC
- Carcassonne - Winter & Gingerbread Man DLC
- Carcassonne - Inns & Cathedrals
- Carcassonne - The River
- Splendor: The Trading Posts DLC
- Splendor: The Strongholds DLC
- Splendor: The Cities DLC
- Small World - Be Not Afraid... DLC
- Small World - Grand Dames DLC
- Small World - Cursed!
- Sands of Salzaar - The Ember Saga
- Sands of Salzaar - The Tournament
- Monster Train: The Last Divinity DLC
- WARSAW
2024.05.13 17:11 calvin324hk [H] 1000+ Games / DLCs / VR Games [W] Paypal / Wishlist / Offers
https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/pikmri/calvin324hks_igs_rep_page/
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/of2wzu/flair_profile_ucalvin324hk/
Wishlist
Region: NA (Canada)
Fees on buyer if any, currency is USD unless specified
CTRL + F to find your games in terms of name
DLCs and Softwares:
submitted by calvin324hk to SteamGameSwap [link] [comments]
https://www.reddit.com/sgsflaicomments/of2wzu/flair_profile_ucalvin324hk/
Wishlist
Region: NA (Canada)
Fees on buyer if any, currency is USD unless specified
CTRL + F to find your games in terms of name
- 10 Second Ninja X
- 11-11 Memories Retold
- 112 Operator
- 12 is Better Than 6
- 198X
- 1993 Space Machine
- 60 Parsecs
- 7 Billion Humans
- 8 DOORS
- 8-bit Adventure Anthology: Volume I
- 9 Years of Shadows
- 911 Operator
- A Game of Thrones: The Board Game
- A Hat in Time
- A Hole New World
- A JUGGLER'S TALE
- A Long Way Down
- A PLAGUE TALE: INNOCENCE
- A Robot Named Fight!
- A Tale for Anna
- A.I.M.2 Clan Wars
- Ace Combat Assault Horizon Enhanced Edition
- Adore
- Aeterna Noctis
- AETHERIS
- Agatha Christie Hercule Poirot The First Cases
- AIdol
- Airborne Kingdom
- Alba: A Wildlife Adventure
- Alder's Blood: Definitive Edition
- Alfred Hitchcock - Vertigo
- Alien Breed Trilogy
- Aliens vs. Predator⢠Collection
- All-Star Fruit Racing
- Almost There: The Platformer
- American Fugitive
- American Truck Simulator
- Amerzone: The Explorerâs Legacy
- AMID EVIL
- Amnesia rebirth
- Amnesia: The Dark Descent + Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
- Anomalous
- Another World â 20th Anniversary Edition
- Antigraviator
- Anuchard
- APICO
- APICO
- Aragami
- Aragami 2
- Arboria
- Arcade Paradise
- Arcade Paradise - Arcade Paradise EP
- Arcade Spirits
- Arkham Horror: Mother's Embrace
- Armada 2526 Gold Edition
- Army Men RTS
- army of ruin
- Arto
- Ary and the Secret of Seasons
- As Far as the Eye
- Ascension to the Throne
- Assemble With Care
- Assetto Corsa Competizione
- Assetto Corsa Ultimate Edition
- Astebreed Definitive Edition
- Astronarch
- Attack of the Earthlings
- Automachef
- Automobilista
- Automobilista 2
- AUTONAUTS
- AUTONAUTS VS PIRATEBOTS
- Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora⢠- Ubisoft Connect
- AVICII Invector: Encore Edition
- Awesomenauts All Nauts pack
- Baba is you
- Back 4 Blood
- Back 4 blood (EU)
- Backbone
- Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition
- Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition
- Banners of Ruin
- Bartlow's Dread Machine
- BASEMENT
- Batbarian: Testament of the Primordials
- Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
- Batman: Arkham Origins
- Battle Royale Tycoon
- Battlecruisers
- Battlestar Galactica Deadlock
- BATTLESTAR GALACTICA DEADLOCK SEASON ONE
- Battlestar Galactica Deadlock: Complete
- BATTLETECH MERCENARY COLLECTION
- BATTLETECH Shadow Hawk Pack
- BEAUTIFUL DESOLATION
- BEFORE WE LEAVE
- Beholder 2
- Ben 10
- Ben 10: Power Trip
- Bendy and the Ink Machineâ˘
- Between the Stars
- Beyond a Steel Sky
- Beyond The Edge Of Owlsgard
- Beyond the Long Night
- BEYOND THE WIRE
- Beyond: Two Souls
- BIOMUTANT
- Bionic Commando
- Bionic Commando Rearmed
- BioShock: The Collection
- BLACK BOOK
- Black Moon Chronicles
- Black Paradox
- BLACK SKYLANDS
- BLACKHOLE: Complete Edition
- Blacksad: Under the Skin
- Blade of Darkness
- Blasphemous
- Blazing Chrome
- Blightbound
- Blood And Zombies
- Blood Rage: Digital Edition
- Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night
- Bomber Crew
- Boneless Zombie
- Boomerang Fu
- Borderlands 3
- Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe
- Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe Edition
- Borderlands: The Handsome Collection
- Bot Vice
- Bounty of One
- Brawlout
- Breakout: Recharged
- Breathedge
- bridge constructor
- Bridge constructor medieval
- bridge constructor stunts
- Broken Lines
- Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
- Brutal Legend
- Bug Fables: The Everlasting Sapling
- BUILDER SIMULATOR
- calico
- Call of DutyŽ Modern Warfare 3⢠(2011)
- Call of Juarez: Gunslinger
- Car Mechanic 2018
- Car Mechanic Simulator 2015
- Car Mechanic Simulator 2018
- Castle Morihisa
- Castle on the Coast
- castle storm
- CastleStorm
- Cat Cafe Manager
- Caveblazers
- Celeste
- Centipede: Recharged
- CHANGE: A Homeless Survival Experience
- Charlie's Adventure
- Chenso Club
- Chernobylite: Enhanced Edition
- Chess Ultra
- Chicago 1930 : The Prohibition
- Chivalry 2
- Chop Goblins
- Chorus
- Cities Skylines + After Dark
- Cities: Skylines
- City of Beats
- CivCity: Rome
- Click and Slay
- Cloud Gardens
- Cloudpunk
- Code Vein
- Coffee Talk
- Comedy Night
- Command & Conquer Remastered (Origin)
- Complete Dread X Collection
- Conarium
- Construction Simulator (2015) Deluxe Edition
- Constructor Plus
- Control
- Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!
- cornucopia
- Corridor Z
- Cosmic Osmo and the Worlds Beyond the Mackerel
- Cosmonautica
- Crash Drive 2
- Crash Drive 3
- Creaks
- Creepy Tale
- Crookz the big heist
- CROSSBOW: Bloodnight
- Crush Your Enemies
- Cube Runner
- Cultist Simulator: Anthology Edition
- Curse: The Eye of Isis
- Cyber Ops
- Cybercube
- Danger Scavenger
- Dark Deity
- DARK PICTURES ANTHOLOGY: HOUSE OF ASHES
- Darksiders Warmastered
- Darkwood
- DARQ: Complete Edition
- Day of the Tentacle Remastered
- days of war definitive edition
- Dead by Daylight
- Dead Estate
- Dead Rising 2
- Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
- Death Stranding Directors Cut
- DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
- Deceased
- DECEIVE INC.
- Degrees of Separation
- Delicious! Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire
- Deliver Us The Moon
- Demetrios - Deluxe Edition
- Depraved
- DESCENDERS
- DESOLATE
- Destiny 2: Beyond Light
- DESTROYER: THE U-BOAT HUNTER
- Detention
- Devil May Cry HD Collection
- Devilated
- Dicey Dungeons
- Dirt 5
- dirt rally
- Dirt Rally 2.0
- Disaster Band
- Disciples III: Reincarnation
- Discolored
- DISTRAINT 2
- Distrust
- DmC: Devil May Cry
- Do Not Feed the Monkeys
- Don't Be Afraid
- Doomed Lands
- Door Kickers: Action Squad
- Doorways: Prelude
- Downfall
- Dragons Dogma Dark Arisen
- Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
- Draugen
- Draw Slasher
- Drawful 2
- Dreams in the Witch House
- Dreamscaper
- DreamWorks Dragons: Dawn of New Riders
- DRIFT21
- Driftland: The Magic Revival
- drive!drive!drive!
- Drone Swarm
- Due Process
- Duke Nukem: Manhattan Project
- Duke of Alpha Centauri
- Dungeon Rushers
- Dungeons 2
- Dungeons 3
- DUSK
- Dusk Diver
- Dust to the End
- DV: Rings of Saturn
- Dynopunk
- Earth Defense Force 4.1 The Shadow of New Despair
- Eastern Exorcist
- Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising
- El Matador
- Elderand
- ELDEST SOULS
- Electrician Simulator
- Elemental Survivors
- Elex
- Elex II
- Elite Dangerous
- Embr
- Empire: Total War - Definitive Edition
- Empyrion - Galactic Survival
- ENCASED: A SCI-FI POST-APOCALYPTIC RPG
- Endless Space 2
- Endless Space 2 - Digital Deluxe Edition
- Endless SpaceÂŽ 2 - Digital Deluxe Edition
- Endzone - A World Apart
- EPIC CHEF
- Epistory - Typing Chronicles
- Escape the backrooms
- Eternal Threads
- Europa Universalis IV
- European Ship Simulator
- Everdream Valley
- Evil Genius 2: World Domination
- Exorder
- EXPEDITIONS: ROME
- Expeditions: Viking
- Explosionade
- F1 2018
- F1 2019 Anniversary Edition
- F1 2020
- F1 RACE STARS Complete Edition Include DLC
- Fable Anniversary
- Factory Town
- Fallback uprising
- Fallback: Uprising
- FALLOUT 1
- Family Mysteries 3: Criminal Mindset
- FANTASY BLACKSMITH
- FARMER'S DYNASTY
- Farming Simulator 17
- Farming Simulator 19
- Fictorum
- Field of Glory II
- Fights in Tight Spaces
- Filthy Animals Heist Simulator
- Firefighting Simulator - The Squad
- Fishing Adventure
- Flashback
- FLATLAND Vol.2
- FlatOut
- FLING TO THE FINISH
- Floppy Knights
- Fluffy Horde
- FOBIA - ST. DINFNA HOTEL
- For the King
- Forgive me Father
- Forts
- Fred3ric
- Fresh Start Cleaning Simulator
- Friends vs Friends
- Frogun
- From Space
- Frostpunk: Game of the Year Edition
- Frozenheim
- Fun with Ragdolls: The Game
- Funtasia
- Gamedec
- Gamedec - Definitive Edition
- Gang Beasts
- GARAGE bad trip
- Garden Story
- Garfield Kart
- GAS STATION SIMULATOR
- Gelly Break Deluxe
- Genesis Alpha One Deluxe Edition
- Gevaudan
- Ghostrunner
- Giana Sisters 2D
- GIGA WRECKER
- Gigantosaurus: Dino Kart
- Glitch Busters: Stuck On You
- Gloria Victis
- Go Home Dinosaurs
- GOAT OF DUTY
- GOD EATER 3
- Godlike Burger
- Godstrike
- Going Under
- Golf Gang
- Golf It!
- Gone Home + Original Soundtrack
- Good Knight
- Gotham Knights
- GREAK: MEMORIES OF AZUR
- GREEDFALL
- Gremlins, inc
- grey goo
- GRID - 2019
- grid ultimate
- GRIP: Combat Racing
- Gungrave G.O.R.E
- Guppy
- Guts and glory
- GYLT
- Hacknet
- Haegemonia: Legions of Iron
- Hamilton's Great Adventure
- Hammerwatch
- Hands of Necromancy
- Havsala: Into the Soul Palace
- Headsnatchers
- Heartwood Heroes
- Heat Signature
- Helheim Hassle
- Hell Let Loose
- Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
- Hellbound
- Hellstuck: Rage With Your Friends
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2024.05.13 10:37 yea-thats-the-spirit Pitting edema, weird breathing issue. Maybe you know what I'm talking about?
Hey, 34F, 5'9 1/2, 172 pounds, Caucasian, take Synthroid (100mcg mon-sat, 88mcg sun) figured I'd put this out there and see if someone has any idea what the possible issue could be, they have exp the same thing etc. To be clear, I understand this is not 100% professional advice. I had whole thyroid removed when I was younger due to thyroid cancer. Considered pretty healthy, don't drink, smoke weed, do drugs or smoke. Had hypothyroidism that progressively got worse from my 20s till now b/c my last dr. was a gaslighting a-hole. Apparently my thyroid levels are good now and where they should be, even though I have some shitty symptoms on and off, but guess that comes with having no thyroid and I'm stuck with that, is what it is. Anyway, I found a new family dr. and have had some MRI's, CT scans, EKG and am going to have a stress test and bed side echo just to rule out heart problems. My EKG results showed my heart beat slightly drags out a little bit/lags. I forget the medical term but he said it's not necessarily abnormal, it's common in people. The cardiologist also told me if he finds anything odd, he'd send me to the hospital to get their more detailed echo.
Moving on, ever since I was a teen if I yelled, most of the time my chest felt tight and I had to catch my breath and then in early 20s sometimes my chest felt like if you go outside in the winter and breathe in the cold air and your chest feels tight and hurts. Asthma was ruled out by last dr. I failed 2 breath tests, chest x-rays came back fine. Over the yrs, edema began. I used to be 125, 130 pounds toned, fit and at the perfect weight for my body, now I'm 172 water weight. I eat well and used to do light exercise. My ankles/feet swell on n off worse in the heat, my face is a little swollen/puffy, the front of my neck where my thyroid used to be swells/gets puffy on and off, my upper arms have a lot of water retention near the top around the arm and under especially, thighs as well, but my stomach is the worst it looks like I'm pregnant (*deff not pregnant). My fingers swell on and off, hands puffy on palms, wrists, all over my body basically.
My MRI and CT scan showed a few tiny benign nodules in 1 lung and a small benign nodule in my liver. My current dr. was rude and didn't explain what it meant to me. As the typical standard, I'm having another MRI and CT to make sure I'm okay since my last tests and I'm going to ask the dr.'s there what my results really mean. But this edema is getting worse and so far, seems there's no explanation for it. Also, sometimes if I breathe in it sounds like a rubber chicken toy in my chest and I get clear phlegm sometimes, sounds wheezy. And the other weird, scary symptom- if I take ANY medications EXCEPT FOR my Synthroid pill, my breathing is affected. For example, I can take vitamins, an allergy pill even, cold meds, w/e my breathing becomes labored, I'm air hungry and struggle getting full deep breaths, chest feels heavy. The severity varies from mild to maybe I have to go to the hospital. And the duration of this symptom is random- it can last a few hours then my breathing improves, it can NOT affect me right away but the next day it affects my breathing, it can last a week just from taking 2 vitamins etc.
I asked to see a lung dr. (not sure of their correct title) but my dr. hasn't done anything about that, I asked for my hormone levels to be checked (estrogen and that) and was told no need, asked to be tested for pcos, fibroids, womanly issues like that to rule out the weight gain told no need- even though I have some symptoms and they run in my family. IT'S MY BODY but w/e right. My dr. clearly wrote me off, ignored the fact I was diagnosed with pitting edema (not severe- and my circulation could be better but it's not severe issue). Anyway, my dr. called me fat cause that's easier than helping someone with an odd medical problem. I eat healthy, still go for walks, some days barely eat anything cause I'm not hungry or I'm stressed and am not a stress/depressed eater, thankfully. The only other thing is, I know the body keeps score and I've been through a lot in my life and endured trauma and ab***. I've read/heard that people who are survivors have had weird, mystery illnesses. Some cleared up when they were free of the trauma, some not. Also if you're stressed all the time, high levels of cortisol isn't good for you. Thank you for reading, any suggestions on what could be the issue? Any advice?
submitted by yea-thats-the-spirit to AskDocs [link] [comments]
Moving on, ever since I was a teen if I yelled, most of the time my chest felt tight and I had to catch my breath and then in early 20s sometimes my chest felt like if you go outside in the winter and breathe in the cold air and your chest feels tight and hurts. Asthma was ruled out by last dr. I failed 2 breath tests, chest x-rays came back fine. Over the yrs, edema began. I used to be 125, 130 pounds toned, fit and at the perfect weight for my body, now I'm 172 water weight. I eat well and used to do light exercise. My ankles/feet swell on n off worse in the heat, my face is a little swollen/puffy, the front of my neck where my thyroid used to be swells/gets puffy on and off, my upper arms have a lot of water retention near the top around the arm and under especially, thighs as well, but my stomach is the worst it looks like I'm pregnant (*deff not pregnant). My fingers swell on and off, hands puffy on palms, wrists, all over my body basically.
My MRI and CT scan showed a few tiny benign nodules in 1 lung and a small benign nodule in my liver. My current dr. was rude and didn't explain what it meant to me. As the typical standard, I'm having another MRI and CT to make sure I'm okay since my last tests and I'm going to ask the dr.'s there what my results really mean. But this edema is getting worse and so far, seems there's no explanation for it. Also, sometimes if I breathe in it sounds like a rubber chicken toy in my chest and I get clear phlegm sometimes, sounds wheezy. And the other weird, scary symptom- if I take ANY medications EXCEPT FOR my Synthroid pill, my breathing is affected. For example, I can take vitamins, an allergy pill even, cold meds, w/e my breathing becomes labored, I'm air hungry and struggle getting full deep breaths, chest feels heavy. The severity varies from mild to maybe I have to go to the hospital. And the duration of this symptom is random- it can last a few hours then my breathing improves, it can NOT affect me right away but the next day it affects my breathing, it can last a week just from taking 2 vitamins etc.
I asked to see a lung dr. (not sure of their correct title) but my dr. hasn't done anything about that, I asked for my hormone levels to be checked (estrogen and that) and was told no need, asked to be tested for pcos, fibroids, womanly issues like that to rule out the weight gain told no need- even though I have some symptoms and they run in my family. IT'S MY BODY but w/e right. My dr. clearly wrote me off, ignored the fact I was diagnosed with pitting edema (not severe- and my circulation could be better but it's not severe issue). Anyway, my dr. called me fat cause that's easier than helping someone with an odd medical problem. I eat healthy, still go for walks, some days barely eat anything cause I'm not hungry or I'm stressed and am not a stress/depressed eater, thankfully. The only other thing is, I know the body keeps score and I've been through a lot in my life and endured trauma and ab***. I've read/heard that people who are survivors have had weird, mystery illnesses. Some cleared up when they were free of the trauma, some not. Also if you're stressed all the time, high levels of cortisol isn't good for you. Thank you for reading, any suggestions on what could be the issue? Any advice?
2024.05.13 10:33 yea-thats-the-spirit Pitting edema, weird breathing issue. Maybe you know what I'm going through?
Hey, figured I'd put this out there and see if someone has any idea what the possible issue could be, they have exp the same thing etc. To be clear, I understand this is not 100% professional advice. I had whole thyroid removed when I was younger. Considered pretty healthy, don't drink, smoke weed, do drugs or smoke. Had hypothyroidism that progressively got worse from my 20s till now b/c my last dr. was a gaslighting a-hole. Apparently my thyroid levels are good now and where they should be, even though I have some shitty symptoms on and off, but guess that comes with having no thyroid and I'm stuck with that, is what it is. Anyway, I found a new family dr. and have had some MRI's, CT scans, EKG and am going to have a stress test and bed side echo just to rule out heart problems. My EKG results showed my heart beat slightly drags out a little bit/lags. I forget the medical term but he said it's not necessarily abnormal, it's common in people. The cardiologist also told me if he finds anything odd, he'd send me to the hospital to get their more detailed echo.
Moving on, ever since I was a teen if I yelled, most of the time my chest felt tight and I had to catch my breath and then in early 20s sometimes my chest felt like if you go outside in the winter and breathe in the cold air and your chest feels tight and hurts. Asthma was ruled out by last dr. I failed 2 breath tests, chest x-rays came back fine. Over the yrs, edema began. I used to be 125, 130 pounds toned, fit and at the perfect weight for my body, now I'm 172 water weight. I eat well and used to do light exercise. My ankles/feet swell on n off worse in the heat, my face is a little swollen/puffy, the front of my neck where my thyroid used to be swells/gets puffy on and off, my upper arms have a lot of water retention near the top around the arm and under especially, thighs as well, but my stomach is the worst it looks like I'm pregnant (*deff not pregnant). My fingers swell on and off, hands puffy on palms, wrists, all over my body basically.
My MRI and CT scan showed a few tiny benign nodules in 1 lung and a small benign nodule in my liver. My current dr. was rude and didn't explain what it meant to me. As the typical standard, I'm having another MRI and CT to make sure I'm okay since my last tests and I'm going to ask the dr.'s there what my results really mean. But this edema is getting worse and so far, seems there's no explanation for it. Also, sometimes if I breathe in it sounds like a rubber chicken toy in my chest and I get clear phlegm sometimes, sounds wheezy. And the other weird, scary symptom- if I take ANY medications EXCEPT FOR my Synthroid pill, my breathing is affected. For example, I can take vitamins, an allergy pill even, cold meds, w/e my breathing becomes labored, I'm air hungry and struggle getting full deep breaths, chest feels heavy. The severity varies from mild to maybe I have to go to the hospital. And the duration of this symptom is random- it can last a few hours then my breathing improves, it can NOT affect me right away but the next day it affects my breathing, it can last a week just from taking 2 vitamins etc.
I asked to see a lung dr. (not sure of their correct title) but my dr. hasn't done anything about that, I asked for my hormone levels to be checked (estrogen and that) and was told no need, asked to be tested for pcos, fibroids, womanly issues like that to rule out the weight gain told no need- even though I have some symptoms and they run in my family. IT'S MY BODY but w/e right. My dr. clearly wrote me off, ignored the fact I was diagnosed with pitting edema (not severe- and my circulation could be better but it's not severe issue). Anyway, my dr. called me fat cause that's easier than helping someone with an odd medical problem. I eat healthy, still go for walks, some days barely eat anything cause I'm not hungry or I'm stressed and am not a stress/depressed eater, thankfully. The only other thing is, I know the body keeps score and I've been through a lot in my life and endured trauma and ab***. I've read/heard that people who are survivors have had weird, mystery illnesses. Some cleared up when they were free of the trauma, some not. Also if you're stressed all the time, high levels of cortisol isn't good for you. Thank you for reading, any suggestions on what could be the issue? Any advice?
submitted by yea-thats-the-spirit to MysteryDiagnosis [link] [comments]
Moving on, ever since I was a teen if I yelled, most of the time my chest felt tight and I had to catch my breath and then in early 20s sometimes my chest felt like if you go outside in the winter and breathe in the cold air and your chest feels tight and hurts. Asthma was ruled out by last dr. I failed 2 breath tests, chest x-rays came back fine. Over the yrs, edema began. I used to be 125, 130 pounds toned, fit and at the perfect weight for my body, now I'm 172 water weight. I eat well and used to do light exercise. My ankles/feet swell on n off worse in the heat, my face is a little swollen/puffy, the front of my neck where my thyroid used to be swells/gets puffy on and off, my upper arms have a lot of water retention near the top around the arm and under especially, thighs as well, but my stomach is the worst it looks like I'm pregnant (*deff not pregnant). My fingers swell on and off, hands puffy on palms, wrists, all over my body basically.
My MRI and CT scan showed a few tiny benign nodules in 1 lung and a small benign nodule in my liver. My current dr. was rude and didn't explain what it meant to me. As the typical standard, I'm having another MRI and CT to make sure I'm okay since my last tests and I'm going to ask the dr.'s there what my results really mean. But this edema is getting worse and so far, seems there's no explanation for it. Also, sometimes if I breathe in it sounds like a rubber chicken toy in my chest and I get clear phlegm sometimes, sounds wheezy. And the other weird, scary symptom- if I take ANY medications EXCEPT FOR my Synthroid pill, my breathing is affected. For example, I can take vitamins, an allergy pill even, cold meds, w/e my breathing becomes labored, I'm air hungry and struggle getting full deep breaths, chest feels heavy. The severity varies from mild to maybe I have to go to the hospital. And the duration of this symptom is random- it can last a few hours then my breathing improves, it can NOT affect me right away but the next day it affects my breathing, it can last a week just from taking 2 vitamins etc.
I asked to see a lung dr. (not sure of their correct title) but my dr. hasn't done anything about that, I asked for my hormone levels to be checked (estrogen and that) and was told no need, asked to be tested for pcos, fibroids, womanly issues like that to rule out the weight gain told no need- even though I have some symptoms and they run in my family. IT'S MY BODY but w/e right. My dr. clearly wrote me off, ignored the fact I was diagnosed with pitting edema (not severe- and my circulation could be better but it's not severe issue). Anyway, my dr. called me fat cause that's easier than helping someone with an odd medical problem. I eat healthy, still go for walks, some days barely eat anything cause I'm not hungry or I'm stressed and am not a stress/depressed eater, thankfully. The only other thing is, I know the body keeps score and I've been through a lot in my life and endured trauma and ab***. I've read/heard that people who are survivors have had weird, mystery illnesses. Some cleared up when they were free of the trauma, some not. Also if you're stressed all the time, high levels of cortisol isn't good for you. Thank you for reading, any suggestions on what could be the issue? Any advice?
2024.05.13 07:42 Dukester619 Happy Mothers Day Leg of Lamb
Costco Leg of Lamb, I cross hatched the fat cap and brined with rosemary salt (if you know you know, look it up on YouTube) overnight. Got up at 7 and started up the Traeger at 185 with a smoke tube. Smoked it for 3 hours and then put in sous vide bath for 6 hours at 131.5. Seared in cast iron pan with avocado oil and butter, basting with rosemary and garlic. Served with mushroom gravy, sweet potatoes, smoked corn and salad. Everyone said it was delicious, even the picky eaters.
https://preview.redd.it/02orc34qr40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=60d003f59c65c61aa59285151112dcbe2764ad83
https://preview.redd.it/l65e363rr40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3bdd078a043990ba46e823409d153c363c6496a2
https://preview.redd.it/xxcvin0sr40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f1b3aef9fd4c6eed2b7208b077f7e57410731304
submitted by Dukester619 to Traeger [link] [comments]
https://preview.redd.it/02orc34qr40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=60d003f59c65c61aa59285151112dcbe2764ad83
https://preview.redd.it/l65e363rr40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3bdd078a043990ba46e823409d153c363c6496a2
https://preview.redd.it/xxcvin0sr40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f1b3aef9fd4c6eed2b7208b077f7e57410731304
2024.05.13 07:23 Dukester619 Mothers Day Leg of Lamb
 | Got up at 7 and started up the smoker, smoked it for 3 hours and then put in sous vide bath for 6 hours at 131.5. Seared in avocado oil and butter with rosemary and garlic, Served with sweet potatoes, smoked corn and salad. Avocado was my wifes late addition. Everyone said it was delicious, even the picky eaters. submitted by Dukester619 to sousvide [link] [comments] https://preview.redd.it/wrdee781p40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0aeac2c973f214e5d94b5ba1726ef7d728b628a1 https://preview.redd.it/gmy2qh82p40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=25087b7e2ba39c9581e034bc300962d94a7d48eb https://preview.redd.it/ukpjn5e3p40d1.jpg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2f4dd3fb0865a9c4b8b61373948425f8f3efcce3 |
2024.05.12 18:57 ProfBumblefingers d100 Donkey Details
Gus the donkey.
Adventurers often obtain donkeys to carry extra gear or loot. Strong and sturdy, these beasts of burden are also remarkably efficient, able to forage almost anywhere, and needing only straw or hay and a little grass now and then when on the farm or in town. These un-sung heroes need a little love. Here's a d100 list of Donkey Details (I suppose you could use most of these for mules, too):
[edit: corrected a redundancy]
submitted by ProfBumblefingers to osr [link] [comments]
Adventurers often obtain donkeys to carry extra gear or loot. Strong and sturdy, these beasts of burden are also remarkably efficient, able to forage almost anywhere, and needing only straw or hay and a little grass now and then when on the farm or in town. These un-sung heroes need a little love. Here's a d100 list of Donkey Details (I suppose you could use most of these for mules, too):
- Laughing Donkey. This donkey's hee-haw sounds remarkably similar to human laughter. Makes this particular sound only when PC's do something stupid or risky.
- Scared of open fire -- torches, campfire, etc; runs away. Can tolerate lanterns (but kinda iffy).
- Practical Joker Donkey. Takes one step to the side when anyone tries to load anything onto it and the loader is not looking.
- Union Donkey. If ever loaded over 3/4 normal carrying capacity, goes on strike, will only walk in circles until it gets a long rest.
- Back-Peddling Donkey. When spooked, always tries to back up 60 feet, no matter what's back there.
- Depressed. Need to talk to it and pet it for 10 minutes after each long rest (and on cloudy days) to get it moving.
- Battle Donkey. This one loves battle and always charges straight toward any battle noises it hears. No holding it back. Ooh-rah!
- Passenger Donkey. Happy to carry riders (bareback, without a saddle), but doesn't want anything tied / cinched around it (will try to scrape items off against a tree, wall, the ground, etc.).
- Allergies. Donkey has allergies in spring and fall. Sneezing fit 2-in-6 chance each hour. Drops stuff.
- Lie-Detector Donkey. This donkey can sense when a humanoid is lying. Likely via some sort of pheromone cue (?). Farts if a lie is told within 10 feet of it.
- Marathon Donkey. This donkey has incredible endurance and can travel twice as far between long rests.
- Will carry sacks, corpses, or other floppy things, but not wooden boxes or other things with sharp edges.
- Scared of crowds. Simply WILL NOT enter a village / town / city.
- Has tapeworms, must feed twice the normal rations until diagnosed and healed. Poop can give tapeworms to any humanoid. Heads up.
- Streetwise Donkey. Grew up in a city, pulling a delivery cart. Knows all the streets of the city, how to get anywhere. You tell it where you want to go, it will slowly, at a plodding pace, lead you there. It can't talk or understand any commands other than place names in that one city.
- Vagabond Donkey. This donkey will occasionally wander away from the group and stay gone a few days, but then it always returns. Where does it go? Why? No one knows.
- Mother-bucker. Will attempt to buck any female humanoid who attempts to ride.
- Nauseated, 2-in-6 chance of throwing up in a big way every 10 minutes for a day
- Scared of its own shadow. On sunny days, freaks out every now and then.
- Large Donkey. This donkey is a freak of nature and is twice the normal size. It can carry four times the normal load and requires four times the normal feed/rations. It won't fit in most stable stalls, through most doorways, etc. Commoner strangers are usually freaked out by it; they are often intimidated by it (2-in-6 chance), or try to kill it (1-in-6 chance) because they think it is a bad omen, enchanted, cursed, undead, etc.
- Stealthy Donkey. This donkey walks in a way that is completely silent, even on cobblestones, and shifts its weight as needed to eliminate the sounds of any clanking gear it carries. Instinctively hides itself behind/inside/undearound any available cover, at all. You turn around, there it suddenly is, looking at you in the eye. Can freak a dude out.
- Loves butterflies. Chases every one it sees.
- Counting Donkey. Point at a group of objects and say "Count." Donkey will tap its front right hoof a number of times equal to the number of objects in the group. Counts about one item per second. Can't spell worth a damn, though.
- Aqua-donkey. This donkey loves playing in streams/rivers/ponds/rivers. Runs to them. Likes to splash everyone else. Thinks it's funny.
- Catches a parasite disease and will die in 3 days unless healed
- Chip-On-Shoulder Donkey. If there are other donkeys / horses around, hates them, always picking a fight.
- Blessed Donkey. This donkey enters the scene carrying a religious messiah, or so they say.
- Talking Donkey. Amazing! But, a bit finicky, only talks 1-in-4 times you ask it to, and at other random times as DM deems appropriate. Also, only knows a few words/phrases: yep, nope, hungry, tired, idiot, run away.
- Hates the heat. Half movement and half carrying capacity on hot days > 80F. Needs double water rations.
- Ate some weird mushrooms along the way. Temporarily blind for 1d4 days
- Hates elves, they're too self-absorbed and snooty, always making you walk through trackless forests, getting you stuck in the underbrush.
- Prudent Donkey. Has 1-in-6 chance of perceiving a trap within 30 feet. Will look at the trigger mechanism, hee-haw loudly, and not take a step toward it. No matter what.
- Mystical Donkey. Has some kind of weird ancestral donkey mind-meld with a caster in the group, constantly complaining (mentally) that "this s**t is too heavy, dude," "can't you give a donkey a break?," "how about carrying some of this s**t yourself, tough guy," etc. You can't concentrate.
- Lucky Donkey. When within 10 feet of this donkey, you can re-roll one roll per day.
- Somehow, loves smelly green ogres who sing. Tries to run off with any such ogres encountered.
- Hates humans, they make you work too hard, usually in larger towns or cities where the cobblestones hurt your feet.
- Needs a bath, smells very bad. Indescribable, really. No surprising any foe while this donkey is around until it gets a bath.
- Shy Donkey. Always tries to move behind you when you encounter anyone new.
- Keen smell. Can smell most enemies within 100 feet and will hee-haw loudly to warn you. False alarm 1-in-4.
- Sprint Donkey. This donkey can run at twice the normal movement rate, but only for one minute between long rests.
- Drunk Donkey. Will only work when slightly inebriated. Must feed it a wee flask of ale, wine or whisky to get any work out of it.
- Has one very short leg. Walks unevenly. Kinda funny, but only 1/2 normal movement rate.
- Beautiful Donkey. This donkey is a very fine specimen of a donkey. Highly desired by donkey ranchers to breed other donkeys. Sells for double the normal price. Bit of a prima donna. Must be fed one apple or pear per day, or refuses to work. Resents you.
- Hates the cold. Half movement and half carrying capacity on hot days < 50F. Needs double saddle blankets.
- Sneaky. When you're not looking, has 1-in-2 chance each day of pick-pocketing something off the back of a random PC. Might drop it, might eat it, might fling it to the side of the road, might just hold it in it's mouth. Hard to say with donkeys.
- Scared of snakes. Snake within 30' causes total donkey freak out.
- Always tries to eat/gnaw whatever it is carrying (especially food) whenever you're not looking, ruins stuff.
- Freaked out by undead. If it sees undead, or smells them (can smell 60' away), RUNS in the opposite direction.
- Narcoleptic Donkey. Falls asleep, often.
- Critic Donkey. When others aren't looking, looks at you and rolls its eyes. You swear.
- Foraging Donkey. Grew up in the wild. If there is any vegetation around, at all, it can find it, find enough edible material for a meal, and feed itself, no rations required.
- Shoe-Throwing Donkey. One-in-four chance of losing a horse shoe each day, won't walk until found or replaced.
- Small Donkey. Can only carry half normal carrying capacity. But has a scrappy attitude and is NOT SCARED OF ANYTHING (immune to fear and intimidation).
- Repressed anger. Tries to bite (for real) anyone within 5' who is not its owner (considers only one person its owner).
- Back-Row Donkey. If there are multiple four-legged animals in the group, this one must be the last, in the back, or it won't go/work at all.
- Vertigo Donkey. Always dizzy, walks in circles unless carefully guided constantly by hand.
- Hates carts, wagons, etc. Will not pull a cart or other wheeled vehicle.
- Wallowing Donkey. Enjoys a good roll in a mudhole/puddle. Every mudhole/puddle.
- Deaf. You bought/raised a deaf donkey. Should have checked. Anyway, can't hear any commands. Won't respond to visual commands. Must touch the donkey to give it a command.
- Musical Donkey. Gets indigestion often, becomes VERY flatulent.
- Flying Donkey. This donkey has been magically enchanted to fly, only once in its life, for one minute. The wranglemaster must speak the command word: "Esel-burro"
- Addle-Headed Donkey. Once per day, has a 1-in-4 chance of running in a random direction for 1 minute.
- Hates the rain. Won't work in the rain. *OR* Hates the wind. Won't work in the wind.
- Say-My-Name Donkey. You must call it by name to get it to do anything. It answers with a loud bray each time.
- Hates dwarves, always making you work underground in the mines, and their beards are (somehow) scary.
- Often gets a leg cramp, limping for 10 minutes, 1/4 movement rate.
- Smoking habit. Will work only if you let it smoke lit cigarette or pipe while on duty.
- Smart and independent. Anticipates and does exactly what you want 5-in-6 of the time, but disagrees and argues 1-in-6 of the time.
- Lover Donkey. Wants to make baby donkeys, runs after opposite gender donkey (or horse) every time it gets the chance.
- Has a drinking problem. Will always rush toward any water source to take a drink.
- Is a hot head, always immediately charges and attacks any foe encountered. No holding him back.
- Pregnant Donkey. This donkey is about to have a baby. 2-in-6 chance each day until baby is born.
- Loves flowers. To eat. Will only do any work if given one bouquet to eat per day.
- Pious. Has 1-in-6 chance each hour of stopping for 10 minutes, kneeling on front two legs, and praying to the donkey god "No Cargo Bob"
- Death Wish Donkey. Is reckless, doesn't look where it's going, always running into things, chance of falling off cliffs, etc.
- Dead pan smile. At the most dangerous / awkward moments, turns to a party member and gives the most ridiculous, hilarious donkey smile you have every seen. PC must make DC 10 Const saving throw or bust out laughing for 30 seconds.
- Nervous Tick Donkey. This donkey kicks its left leg backwards randomly, every now and then. If anything/anyone is standing behind this donkey, there is a 1-in-6 chance that it kicks.
- Cargo Donkey. Happy to carry items/supplies tied or cinched around it, but won't carry humanoid riders (bucks them off).
- Homesick, always tries to run away and go back home (or to the place where you bought / found / raised him) every chance he gets
- Perceptive Donkey. Has 1-in-6 chance of perceiving a secret door within 30 feet. Will walk up to it and put its nose on it.
- Scared of water, won't cross a creek/rivepond/lake, etc. Definitely not getting on a boat.
- Front-Row Donkey. If there are multiple four-legged animals in the group, this one must be the leader, in front, or it won't go/work at all.
- Pacifist Donkey. Refuses to carry any weapons or ammo.
- Glowing Donkey. This donkey glows faintly in the dark. Very dim light. No one knows why.
- War Veteran Donkey. Missing one leg at the knee (maybe has peg leg). Opposite ear slashed off. Wears an eyepatch. Lots of scars. Can only carry half normal weight, but its kick does +2 damage.
- Vagabond Donkey. This donkey will occasionally wander away from the group and stay gone a few days, but then it always returns. Where does it go? Why? No one knows.
- Alert Donkey. This donkey has a 1-in-6 chance, on its own, independent of PC checks, of noticing an impending ambush. It will hee-haw loudly if an ambush is about to occur.
- Ate some bad food / weeds, now has diarrhea, big diarrhea, 1-in-4 chance every hour for a day.
- Expressive Donkey. Often has ideas and wants to share, "hee-haws" very loudly for 30 seconds. Sometimes indicates something important, sometimes not.
- Large Donkey. This donkey is a freak of nature and is twice the normal size. It can carry four times the normal load and requires four times the normal feed/rations. It won't fit in most stable stalls, through most doorways, etc. Commoner strangers are usually freaked out by it; they are often intimidated by it (2-in-6 chance), or try to kill it (1-in-6 chance) because they think it is a bad omen, enchanted, cursed, undead, etc.
- Hates halflings, their barn doors are too low and their generally cheery attitude is annoying.
- Super-donkey. Can carry three times normal carrying capacity, but for only one-third the normal time between long rests.
- Easily distracted by various things along the road ("Squirrel!"), constantly stopping to sniff / check out something.
- Really thirsty today, requires twice the normal water ration for one day. Pees a lot. (I mean a lot.)
- Wrong-way Donkey. Will only walk backwards. Half movement rate.
- Ugly Donkey. This donkey is bow-legged, has a saggy back, missing teeth, ugly hair, warts, boils, is missing large patches of hair due to mange, somehow is always dirty, has flies, ticks, lice, etc. Nose usually runny. Eyes too. BUT, this donkey can Misty Step.
- Shell-shocked Donkey. Scared of battle noises. Runs away from battle noises. Like, a quarter-mile away.
- Hates strangers. When within 15 feet of an unknown/new humanoid, hee-haws loudly for 5 minutes. So embarrassing.
- Picky eater, only eats store-bought straw/hay/whatever. Won't forage along the road/trail.
- Loyal Donkey. Will not leave its humanoid wranglemaster unprotected. Will defend wranglemaster to the end. Will take an arrow or battle ax blow to defend wranglemaster. There to the end, no matter what.
[edit: corrected a redundancy]
2024.05.12 18:48 SimonTransylvania RS dinner party tips from the Southern Living Party Cookbook, 1972
 | submitted by SimonTransylvania to rspod [link] [comments] |
2024.05.12 11:43 struggalogamer Troubled Teen Industry, my story
I am sharing this as an emotional outlet among other siblings in christMy Experience It was January 10, 2011. Iâll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldnât give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didnât react as it was, I didnât expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didnât know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed âPlease Help me help me Iâm being kidnapped! Please!â They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet itâll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldnât. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how Iâd get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didnât get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3âs and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I donât know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the âwallâ because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something youâd wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldnât wear it. So i got it out and he didnât know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when Iâd get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When weâd wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didnât make it wed get an essay. Iâm naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. Thatâs my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didnât understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasnât broken, but I just wanted a new one. You donât love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a âfire drillâ in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I donât know for sure but thatâs what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and âbuild you upâ you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldnât be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have âadmitting to a bad actâ of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was âOrphan Whoreâ. Also there were other students who werenât going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesnât masterbate, and iâll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, theyâll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didnât you tell me what was going on? Well⌠My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i donât blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. Iâm a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because Iâm bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind canât explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times Iâve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I donât still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasnât brought home for it, no, I was allowed to âwrite a letter to be readâ. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I canât. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. Iâd hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldnât protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me
2024.05.12 11:29 struggalogamer Scotts Valley School Yoncalla, Oregon (closed)
My ExperienceIt was January 10, 2011. Iâll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldnât give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didnât react as it was, I didnât expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didnât know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed âPlease Help me help me Iâm being kidnapped! Please!â They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet itâll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldnât. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how Iâd get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didnât get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3âs and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I donât know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the âwallâ because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something youâd wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldnât wear it. So i got it out and he didnât know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when Iâd get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When weâd wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didnât make it wed get an essay. Iâm naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. Thatâs my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didnât understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasnât broken, but I just wanted a new one. You donât love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a âfire drillâ in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I donât know for sure but thatâs what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and âbuild you upâ you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldnât be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have âadmitting to a bad actâ of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was âOrphan Whoreâ. Also there were other students who werenât going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesnât masterbate, and iâll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, theyâll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didnât you tell me what was going on? Well⌠My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i donât blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. Iâm a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because Iâm bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind canât explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times Iâve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I donât still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasnât brought home for it, no, I was allowed to âwrite a letter to be readâ. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I canât. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. Iâd hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldnât protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me