Prom or homecoming curly hairstyles

I'm already 18 so technically it's already over, but in a couple weeks I'm graduating high school. In 18 years I've made no friends, no fun memories, like the ones my parents and other adults all have from their childhoods. I never went to homecoming or prom and I never will. Never been to a party for more than 20 minutes before I started panicking and leaving. Why am I even living? I never do anything exciting or memorable. The only people that would even care if I live or die are my parents, because they're biologically obligated too. I'm so lonely.

Freshman year of Highschool I had made a lot of friends. I was in ROTC,marching band and symphonic band. This was the only year of high school I had a decent experience. Sophomore year majority of the friends I had made freshman year were taking advanced AP and Honors classes. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life so I just continued to take regular classes. I became friends with the wrong group of kids. These kids convinced me to start smoking weed and start skipping school. I was never doing my schoolwork so after my sophomore year I had to retake all of my core classes that summer because I had failed every single core class. I had failed so many classes I wasn’t even able to retake them all in that summer and I ended up having to retake some of the classes first semester of junior year. Junior year it got worse. I started skipping school more frequently I was smoking weed and doing edibles I even tried Xanax and opioids at some point. I was constantly getting in school suspension and detention.
I had quit both marching band and ROTC by my Junior year. I became very depressed due to bullying and hopelessness. Started hurting myself and had to go to a mental hospital. By senior year I am actually doing a lot better. For the first time in Highschool I got a 4.0 GPA and I am no longer depressed. However I am in an online high school program my graduation is this month and honestly I don’t even feel proud about it.
I didn’t have a real high school experience. I never went to any homecoming dance. I wasn’t able to go to prom as I had been suspended too many times and my grades were too low. I wasn’t able to go to prom my senior year because the online Highschool program I am in doesn’t offer a prom. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life during Highschool so I never joined any sort of career related clubs. I did have friends during Highschool but these were the same people that convinced me to start doing drugs and skip school which only added to my bad mental health. It’s obvious those friends didn’t care a bit about me. The few good friends I did have ghosted me.
It just sucks seeing all the people I used to go to high school with posting their senior year experience. They go on field trips, go to proms, volunteer work, award ceremonies,etc. I wasn’t able to do any of that because I decided to go to an online Highschool my senior year. I mean my mental health and grades are better now but I sacrificed my social life for this so was it really worth it?
I just wish I would’ve been a better student during Highschool. I wish I wouldn’t have ever done drugs or smoked weed. I wish I would’ve actually tried in my classes. I wish I would’ve taken harder classes so I could’ve gone to my dream school. I wish I would’ve had more extracurricular activities. I wish I would’ve participated in more events at school. I just wish I could redo Highschool to make it more memorable.
If I have kids one day and they ask about my high school experience what am I going to tell them? I was a failing stoner. I just get sad thinking about Highschool I had so many opportunities to do better during high school but I didn’t.

Based on your experiences and wisdom internet strangers, how should I approach this because I have feelings for her? Should I tell her, or back off?
TL;DR is that I think I might be getting hints and clues that this girl I know may have feelings for me, but graduation is in a few weeks, and the parting of ways is inevitable.
There is this girl who I have recently, in the past year and a half or so, gotten to know well. I live in a town across the valley from hers, and we are both 18, being seniors in separate high schools. We have been texting each other for what almost felt like daily or multiple times a week well since the beginning of the summer before our senior year, and have not lost any momentum. I don’t always initiate conversation, as she likes to spark conversations through texting, whether it’s the most recent adventure, anecdote, or cake she baked, I’m not talking to a wall. We also talk in person whenever we can. When we see each other at weekly church meetings, she always tries to sit next to me, or does so when she can, and since I tried out track this year, each meet our schools are both at, we both without asking each other, watch each others events and cheer each other on, and we talk just about anything and everything. I think her parents and family like me pretty well, and I have a good relationship with them, and my family adores her. The problem is where I think I stand with her.
That problem is exemplified by the fact that our graduations our quickly creeping up on us, and we’re going to be parting ways as I’m moving to a bordering state in the middle of the summer, and not too long after will be serving a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints all the way down in Mexico in late August. However, I’d be surprised to be “Dear John’d” as she is also going to serve a mission for our church before going to university, and is waiting to have her finished papers submitted. The timing would be perfect, as by the time she gets done with her mission, I’d be back home from mine oddly enough. We are also thinking about different universities which we both got accepted to, for me, USU and BYU Provo, for her BYU-I. The nice thing about the mission is that it’s like a 2 year gap-year, so if anything were to happen and be set into motion, we could try to go to the same school after. But I’m wondering if the fact that we are thinking about different schools and that I’m moving will make her fret if she does feel anything for me.
Some final preface is that we’ve been to homecoming together our junior year and that’s when our relationship kind of started. I also asked her to my senior prom in a fun, personal way for her, and she wasn’t weird about it, and was genuinely excited for it, saying yes, and that she was suspecting that I would ask her. We had a great time together and with the group we were with. When we took pictures with everyone, the photographer who was a mom asked our group to walk towards her for some cool shots, and for the couples to hold hands while doing so. Me being unsure and shy, didn’t grab her hand, but she sure grabbed mine and totally locked fingers with me (Mormon first base lol). At the dance, we slow danced to every song we could, when she wanted to, and I tried my best to match her energy the whole time (as a person who can’t dance, and is kind of introverted in stark comparison to her extroverted extreme nature). I later learned from my mom from her mom that she noticed and made mention of that, how I matched her energy intentionally. Afterwards, when it was time to go home and drop her off, I walked her to the door and she gave me what I can only describe in my mind as an intimate hug, which has happened between us before as well.
I’m leaning on the edge of her liking me back (rare glass half full view for me personally) because of a bunch of specific instances that blur the line of friendship between us, making it feel like we are more than just friends, and I’ll share a few key ones: (Sorry for making it look like a police report, that’s just the way my mind operates)
Exhibit A: On prom, I told her about the fact that I was moving in the middle of the summer because I needed to tell her in person, and it needed to come from me (weird time to tell someone that), but if I didn’t, she would’ve found out otherwise through town and church gossip. I was met with an immediate sad response, but that was quickly washed away and we had fun at the dance. What’s interesting is what she texted me after the fact: “What if we never see each other again…Sorry this is just crazy I'm going crazy I hate change and not sleeping so guna go to bed before this becomes a what if I die moments.”
Exhibit B: There are instances where I think she is trying to flirt with me, one of them being a response to me saying that I’m going to be somewhere where she thinks she’s going. The response in question was “I’m going now for sure [winky emoji, laughing emoji]”
Exhibit C: I have received 3 hugs from her that have stuck with me, and we’re all pretty intimate. Once after I gave her a meaningful gift after one of her favorite livestock she was taking care of died, which was pure luck and chance as I got a hat for her with a gag signature from my uncle called “the pig whisperer” which I was planning to give to her not as a cheering up gift, because I didn’t know her animal died. And once after I got my mission call, and once after dropping her off back at her house after Prom as mentioned before.
I don’t want to ruin our relationship because I value her a lot as a friend, but I think I’m seeing something more, and I don’t want to regret not doing anything.
Sorry for the long story, just looking for experienced insights. I don’t want to be “…falling in love as she’s walking away,” haha. Thank you for reading through my plight, and for those of you who respond.

We've been dating for 8 months, but we've been good friends for about 6 years. I asked her out, got rejected, and pretty much moved on, but three weeks after, she said she actually did like me and we got together.
This is both our first relationships, and we both agreed we wanted to take it seriously. And now we know a lot more about each other, we've both changed as people, and I don't think we're compatible anymore.
She said she's working on it, but she is really bad at communicating. So when she's upset, she'll just snub me or make a face or something. I've warned her that I am not super good at picking up some social cues which she's said is fine, but after having talks about communication and having this happen, I don't really trust her to be truthful. But even with some communication problems, I still loved her.
But about a month ago, we were facetiming while I was trying some new hairstyles for prom, and I was curling my hair outward (kinda like 2003 Strawberry Shortcake?) and thought it was really cute so I showed her and she laughed in my face, like really hard. I grew up a lot of friends and family making fun of how I look, so I think I'm sensitive to these kinds of things. We had a talk about it and resolved things, but it's pretty obvious to me that I haven't really felt anything romantic for her since then.
I've been acting the same as usual, and it's clear she still loves me. She gets me gifts and calls me cute often, and has mentioned that I'm the only person that she's actually comfortable with. But while it used to make me happy, it makes me kind of uncomfortable now. It feels like kissing my friend (which is true I guess). I can do it, but it just is kind of weird.
I'm unfulfilled, bordering unhappy, but I felt really strongly about her before and am afraid I might never find someone that loves me as much again. Is this just a regular relationship phase, or should I break up with her?

more of a vent than a rant but basically what the title says. i hate going to school because i am ridiculously lonely. by lonely i mean i have no friends, at all. nobody talks to me, and nobody really knows me at all. people still question who i am despite being in the same class for a year.
i don't even think i will bother going to prom and homecoming next year because honestly whats the point. i didn't go to the last 3 homecomings because i had nobody to go with me. and also i would just look weird just standing around.
everyone around me has their own clique except for me it seems. i just wake up, go to school, go home, spend the rest of my day on my phone and go to sleep. rinse and repeat. there's no fulfillment or fun moments in my life at all. these have been the loneliest years of my life and i can't wait until i finally graduate next year because i hate it here

There was a boy. I’d known him since I was 5 but it wasn’t until I was older that I truly noticed him. We were in 6th grade when we started taking an advanced math class together. I could tell he was smart, funny, and a person I’d want to be around for a long time. Middle school and all the drama that ensues during that time quickly invaded my life. My social group shifted and I found myself closer to my friend, Dakota. By the time we were in 7th grade he was tall and strong. Blond hair and a light greenish set of smart eyes. We started working together outside of school. My dad worked for his dad and I often found myself at their house. Dakota had one older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister. I’m the oldest of four so I could handle the chaos of lots of kids in a home. I had some of my most fun memories in middle school at that home. Not just me and Dakota, but with other friends we worked with, our siblings, and family friends. Nerf gun fights, swimming in the pool, and playing manhunt on the homestead that they lived on. I developed what you could consider a crush on Dakota. And the feeling was mutual. He hinted with the not-so-subtle flirting of a 14 year old boy. Pulling my hair, taking my things, and throwing snacks were often his go-to moves.
One night at a Christmas party, us “kids” were watching a movie while the adults played games and hung out in the other room. At some point, his head ended up on my lap. I remember touching his hair, but ultimately deciding I did NOT want someone to see this and assume the worse. Another time, we were alone in the basement. The basement was the place of all our friend hangouts. The video and board games were down there, along with the nerf guns. One night we were on the couch showing each other memes from our iPod touches. We were laughing and joking, then he handed me his iPod to read the next one. Except this wasn’t a meme: it was his notes app. On the screen it said “I think you are beautiful”. I instantly blushed and tried to hide my face. “Me?.....” I looked at him, also blushing red and he nodded. I told him thank you. It was the first time any boy had told me I was beautiful. In my own eyes, I was not. I had a big tooth gap because my parents couldn’t afford braces, and I wore glasses. I don’t know what he saw, but I appreciated the flattering compliment.
We entered high school where once again, your life shifts. You are faced with new teachers, new course materials, new teammates, and new challenges. We remained close friends through this time, by taking enough classes together and being involved with the same friends. It was nearing the fall homecoming season and I was nervous about getting a date. I saw many older boys asking girls to be their dates and I wondered if I would even have one my freshman year. Leave it up to my best friend Anna to set me up.
I clearly remember it was a Sunday night and I was watching football. My mom tells me she got a text from Dakota’s mom that there was a book she needed to grab from their house. She told me I needed to go with her. Without any context, I was annoyed she was making ME drive her there since I did not want to leave home. They lived about 5 minutes away so I figured the faster we leave the quicker I can get back home. Mom told me I should brush my hair.
“Why?”
“Well because you should look a little presentable.”
“It’s fine right, we’re just grabbing a book really quick, right?”
“Yes but you don’t want to leave the house looking like you do.”
I huffed and opened our sliding glass door going outside to the car.
“You should at least put some shoes on!”
“I’m FINE, Can we just go and get this over with”
I angrily and annoyed drove/ sped down the paved road to their house, all the while questioning my mother why she really needed me to go with her.
“I don’t know, there might be something there for you.”
I had no idea what that meant. We drove to the shop on their property that this supposed book was. I stepped out of the car, barefoot on the gravel and walked into the shop. There I see Dakota, holding a sign. I frantically looked around to figure out what was going on. I see Anna crouched in a corner covering her smiling mouth. I looked at his sign and read the homecoming proposal which used lyrics and titles from Beatles songs, my favorite band.
“Oh, Dakota! Of course yes!”
I gave him an awkward hug and turned around to realize that my mother didn’t need a book at all.
Dakota was sweet. In an innocent way. He had casually asked before if we could date, but being the reserved and shy individual I was, I had always declined. After the dance, we drifted, not for any particular reason. I heard he had started dating a different girl. She was older by two years. Was I hurt? Not particularly. Was I jealous? Maybe a little more so. They went to prom together and she was definitely way prettier than me. It happens, I thought, we aren’t meant to be. A romantic relationship would definitely change our entire chemistry.
Summer came and we were out working together on his family’s farm. We spent hours in the fields, talking, singing, and sweating. Just good friends again. It was normal and felt right. We spent a week together in late July on a church trip. We worked on a homeless shelter with our youth group and had a fun yet powerful time together. My mom, dad, and brother were on this trip as well, along with many of our church friends. After the week was done on Saturday, we drove back to our town. I remember waving goodbye to his family in their Suburban as they left the church parking lot. I didn’t realize how significant that goodbye would be.
A few days went by and we had casual texting conversations about work and school starting in the next few weeks. He texted me Tuesday night that his dad really needed some help the next morning bright and early. I wanted to sleep in. He texted “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get it covered.” A decision I’d soon regret.
Wednesday morning, I go to the church with my mom to do a couple of things with her. I can’t even recall what it was. We were getting into our car when we heard loud sirens throughout our small town. Mom and I looked at each other. Sirens are never a good sign. We get in the car, curious, but praying whoever needs the ambulance is okay. My mom gets a phone call. It’s one of our family friends. She says Dakota and his older brother have been in a bad car accident. That heavy feeling that makes your heart sink to your stomach instantly hit me. “They’re okay, they’re okay, they’re okay.” I kept telling myself. The ambulance was going fast, and Dakota is strong. He’s practically invincible. My mother’s friend tells us that we should stop by Dakota’s house to grab the boys clean clothes and bring them to the emergency room. We drive in silence, except for maybe a short prayer that the boys are okay. We get to the house and my mom quickly runs up the stairs to the boys’ bedroom. I stay downstairs. I observe the dining room. Dirty laundry in the baskets. Dirty dishes on the counter. Dakota’s name on a marker board along with a list of chores to do. We speed to the emergency room in the nearby town. On the way we received a text from Dakota’s older brother, John. He said he was doing okay but he wasn’t sure about Dakota. We should be keeping their family in our prayers. The panic was rising in my throat. I had been nervous about things before. This was different. It was like a nauseating churn that started in my stomach. Like my soul was shaking out of my physical body. We got to the hospital, parked and my mom said I should stay in the car. Probably wanting to protect me from any scarring sights within the ER. I wanted to go in. Could I see him? She insisted that I stay in the car. I stayed. Frozen at first. Then rocking back and forth. My palms were shaking and itchy in the center.
“This can’t be happening. Not Dakota. He’s like my best friend. Kids don’t die. He’s too young. Too smart. He has an incredibly successful life ahead of him.”
I was eyeing the automatic door for any sign of someone that I recognized. The ten minutes I waited felt like an hour. Ten minutes of restless uncertainty. Then I see my mom. She had one of the hardest faces that I had ever seen her make. She opened the driver’s side door and I immediately asked “What’s going on. Is he ok?!”
She looks at me dead in the eyes, shaking her head, “He didn’t make it, Jasmine”
A million emotions and questions flood my brain. I started blubbering and sobbing while hitting the dashboard. “No, no, no. Why!? Why him?” My mom breaks down with me, not able to get out a single word. The family friend who delivered the phone call joins us in the car. She says Dakota’s in a better place now. I’m in a state of shock and disbelief. Hot tears will not stop streaming down my cheeks. We were silent on the way back home. I ran upstairs to my room and shut the door. I cried into a pillow for the rest of the afternoon. I skipped dinner. There was a candlelight vigil that evening at a church. I barely had the strength to go, but my mom said it would be good for me. I brought my water bottle. I ate nothing and only drank water to replenish my tears the next two days. Saturday morning, I went to a different church with my family to see Dakota’s family. The church’s youth were making survivor bracelets out of parachute cord. Dakota had made them during his depressive episodes during his 9th grade year, when we somewhat drifted. Dakota and I took Spanish class together our freshman year. One day he asked me what my favorite color was. I told him blue. The next day he gave me a blue bracelet he had made. He said he accidentally made one too small. I was instantly brought back to that moment while standing in the church with dozens of people learning how to braid the cord. When I got home, I tore apart my vanity in search for the bracelet he had made for me. I put it on my right hand. I wore the bracelet everyday for an entire year. I had a Dakota original.
Dakota’s brother, John, who was entering his senior year, invited many of us friends to go out to the place where the accident happened. It was a blind intersection that I had previously been weary of earlier that summer. The corn was high and there were no road signs for a yield or stop. John explained how they had just got in the truck after working the field about a half mile south and were going to take their lunch break. He said they had just started going down the road, picking up speed, when he heard a small voice tell him to put his seatbelt on. John put his seatbelt on, but Dakota didn’t. John said he felt as if there was something around the corner, but ultimately did not slow down near the intersection. A driver, going 50 miles per hour, t-boned them in the intersection. According to John, the truck rolled and Dakota was thrown through the windshield. John found his phone and quickly called 911. He found Dakota and blood was coming from his mouth. He had a large wound on his forehead where he had smashed the dashboard. John pulled him into the field of soybeans, opposite the corn, and tried performing CPR. Dakota was mumbling and sputtering blood before his breathing stopped. The paramedics pronounced him dead at the scene. They said he was internally decapitated.
The wake for Dakota was on Sunday night. I had a tough time finding the strength to go. We waited in line behind dozens of people for close to an hour. When I finally got up to him, my heart sank again. There he was. His skin was pale. His hair was not right. His mother, who was right by, said it was okay to touch him. I reached for his hair to move it how he usually wore it. As I parted it, I saw the large scar covered by gobs of makeup that the hair was covering on his forehead. I put it back.
His funeral was the next day. Monday. At 1:18PM, his birthday date. I felt sick the whole morning. My whole family got in the car and my mom was talking to my younger siblings. I was silent. I was going to one of my best friends’ funerals. The church where the funeral was held was absolutely packed. Parked cars took up the surrounding blocks. The church had multiple floors and rooms with casted video of the celebration of life. I was considered close enough to sit in the sanctuary in the front half of the pews. I sat with my gifted teacher and other friends from the gifted program. What a terrible way to end your summer. Saying hello to people you haven’t seen in a few months at a funeral. I remember the funeral. There were songs and the service was led in large by Dakota’s own mother. To this day I have no idea how she had the strength to do that. I remember a few of the songs that were sung, but I’ll never forget the sound of the casket closing. The last goodbye. The final SLAM. His face would never again have sunlight shown upon it. Never again would a person touch him, hold him, hug him.
My family tried to get out to the burial but the crowd was just too insanely large to get around. I had the final say that we could go home. I’d come back another time.
The next day, I went to the scene of the accident. It was an intersection 5 miles east of my house. Someone had put up a make-shift cross at the intersection. I brought a big University of Kansas patch from one of our gifted trips to place at the cross. He loved basketball, and especially the Jayhawks. On the back of the patch I had written “I love you”. That night, there was a big storm. I sat up straight in bed and started crying as the wind whistled by my windows. The patch.
When I woke up, I found a reason to leave home and went back out to the intersection. I ran up to the cross and found my patch wrapped tightly around the base with some old barbed wire. I burst into tears of relief. I have no idea who saved my patch.
The next two weeks were spent preparing for school and fall practice. I had decided to do tennis that fall instead of volleyball. On the first day of school, I rode the bus into the town with my school. We drove past the intersection and I burst into tears. I cried four more times that day. Each time in the class he should have been in with me. I was distraught. I have no other way to describe how absolutely depressed I was walking the halls. Teachers were not the same. There was an absence in our sophomore class. An absence on our football team. In our audition choir. In our youth group. And in me. I tried my best to get through it. I started journaling a little bit after the accident to help organize my thoughts. To remember all the little details I could about him. To write them down so they didn’t disappear.
My sophomore year was brutal. I was playing tennis in the fall with a small team of girls who helped to create a safe and calm environment for me. I spent all of my hours in the team vehicle listening to two Lifehouse albums on repeat. I’d look out the window and reflect. What was life? What was my purpose? Why did this happen?
I didn’t have an answer. I bottled it up. It seemed that a lot of my class who weren’t very close with Dakota had a lot easier time going back to their normal lives. I was missing a friend. There was a contact in my phone from whom I’d never received another text. I had unfinished business. We had talked all summer about how our math class and Spanish II classes would be so fun this year. The bracelet I wore everyday was getting a stark tan line.
The semester rolled on. One of my other close friends moved to Colorado. And my last best friend, Anna, was in her own self-discovery phase. She wasn’t as close to Dakota and I was more or less a depressed teen at that time. I cried at school. In the bathrooms. In the locker room or a small music practice room. Am I just that sensitive? Why is no one else dealing with this grief like I am? I tried to distract myself with various activities. It worked for the most part. In the spring, I went out for softball. I loved softball. I had been playing it for years. I even had helped “assistant coach” a little girls rec league with Dakota and his family a few summers beforehand. Softball was hard but I needed the challenge. I worked hard at the sport and found myself on the varsity team after multiple players were out for the season due to injury or illness. In the last regular season game, on May 9th on our home field, I broke my leg. I had a high impact with the catcher while trying to steal home. The ump called me safe and we won the game by a run rule as I crumpled to the ground. I remember thinking I could stand up, but the weirdest tingling started down my leg around my knee. My coach carried me off the field like a baby. I pulled my helmet off and one tear slid down my cheek. They put me on a stretcher while the athletic trainer checked my knee.
“Yep, you fractured a bone. We should get you in to the ER for an X-ray”
“Fracture? Like my bone broke?”
“Yes that’s what a fracture is”
I started sobbing. Not from the pain. From the overwhelming feeling of becoming an invalid for an uncertain amount of time. I slid in the back of my mom’s vehicle as we drove down to the county ER. We got there, I was still in uniform. Just hysterical. I had no idea what was going on as I had never had an injury like this before. The ER lady took X-rays of my right leg. The images came back and showed a tibial plateau fracture. I wouldn’t be walking for a while. They helped cut me out of my softball pants and sent me home with lots of pain killers. The next few days I spent vomiting from the strong norco drug. I had a surgery a few days later where they placed hardware in my knee and put me in a straight-leg brace. I was miserable. It was hot and scratchy and I had my finals coming up. I went back to school the next Wednesday or Thursday to collect some class work to do at home. As I lived on the downstairs couch for close to three weeks I found myself asking again “Why did this happen?” I finished the school year by doing my final projects and giving my German foreign exchange student friend a final hug. I remember thinking “This is a nicer way to say goodbye to someone forever”.
I couldn’t walk for most of the summer and I started painful physical therapy. I was frequenting 3 times a week for a long while to build back my strength and relearn to walk. As soon as I was weight-bearing, I started working outside again. Doing what I could with one crutch. Dakota’s dad hired me to help manage the field workers and I could do some wood stacking decently enough. On the 1 year anniversary of Dakota’s death, I went to the gravesite for a small ceremony. It was the first time I had been there. The intersection where he died was my frequent mourning spot, almost daily on my drive to and from school. The gravestone was large and obviously very expensive. It has a beautiful picture of him and the quote “You got this”, that he used often as a self-reassuring phrase. At some point after the 1-year, I stopped wearing the bracelet he made me. Was it time to let go? How long does one mourn?
The rest of my high school journey was tainted with the memories of him and the phantom memories of where I imagined him being. At my graduation, we had an honorary memorial and scholarship dedicated to him and his character. Then I went to college. I was already dating who would become my husband a number of years later.
Years have passed. There is no happy ending. I'm still here. Aging. Growing older while I can still see the face of my 15 year old friend. He isn’t growing. He’s in the ground. Resting. It feels like a lifetime until I can see him again. I’ve had dreams of him. Unprompted visions of him were prevalent for about 2 years after he passed. You would think this story would get easier after the number of times I’ve played in my head over all of these years. But it hasn’t. I’m in the acceptance stage of grief. I’ve lived life, gotten married, laughed again, and see a bright future for myself. Though I do often think, Where would Dakota be now? Would we have become closer friends? Would he be married? He would have made a good father.
Again, I have no answers to these questions that I suppose may eternally sit with me. I do have some answers though. I’ve learned how to not take people for granted. I’ve learned how to recognize depressive symptoms and how to be a listening ear for someone who feels hopeless. I’ve learned how to find purpose in helping people. I’ve learned patience. Sometimes patience is agonizing, which means the reward is definitely worth the wait.

how do i deal with them. “my friends”. this is more than just coincidences or trends. at this point they’re copying every feature of mine. got my hair bleached, suddenly hers is blonde after a few months after i got sick of it. in the same exact pattern. started growing out my eyebrows. she did the same. she filled it in everyday. i have a mole under my eye. NATURALLY. she started drawing it every day like what the actual fuck. my hair is curly. NATURALLY. she got a hippie perm. 5 seconds after i change my hairstyle she does it too thinking i don’t notice. her style changes, her favourite colors are suddenly the same as mine. at this point I’m honestly icked out. i am me. i am unique. why would THEY try to be me??? these are long term friendships too. i’ve tried to ask for advice but people think it’s just a coincidence nce and that it’s not “that deep”. but i’m actually disgusted. i don’t care if it’s admiration. find your own self.

• Very slow to boot up, honestly thought my computer had crashed. It could be my computer. It's a gaming computer, but getting a little old now. It does run RimWorld, Minecraft, Skyrim, Borderlands, etc with no issues, though.
  
• Very minimal accessibility settings in the Settings menu. There's Audio with 4 sliders for overall volume, music, sound effects, and ambient volume. Graphics, with a checkbox each for fullscreen and V-sync, a slider for volumetric fog quality, and a dropdown each for quality preset, general quality, resolution, and clouds quality. There is a Controls menu with a slider for camera sensitivity (no numbers or visible markers, just a plain slider), and a checkbox each to make sprint a toggle, turn on auto-walk, toggle collecting, and toggle aiming. There is a single button to reset all settings from Audio, Graphics, and Controls all at once.
  
• 3 save slots available.
  
• Prologue map is what is included in the demo, and leaving that area will end the demo.
  
• Controller support not fully implemented yet, but controller scheme is in the Contols menu when paused. I tried using my controller and sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but it's clearly on the docket.
  
• Character is customizable. 3 light skintones, one of which is light brown, 2 dark brown-- the jump between the last 2 brown tones is significant, whereas the 2 lightest skintones are only barely different. The character is generally pretty femme presenting no matter how you tweak the character settings. There's not really a flat-chested option if that's important to you. 2 of the 5 outfits are dresses, the other 3 have some other "feminine" touches like lace. Their name will always be Reka.
  

There are 5 tattoo options, 3 of which are fingehand tattoos, one very visible tattoo for the front of the neck, and one very small one for next to an eye-- or no tattoos. 2 curly hairstyles, a shorn style, 2 wavy braided styles, and the other 6 options are straight hair in various lengths/styles.
There are 2 sliders for Freckle Amount and Freckle Intensity. 12 eye color options, 3 or 4 shades each of brown, green, blue, and grey. No fantasy colors (pink, purple, etc). 3 sliders for hair Color, Warmth, and Brightness. 6 eyebrow types. Accessory options include a lacy choker, a set of rings for each hand (hard to see but cute), and 2 head kerchiefs that switch your hairstyle to the one that "goes with" the kerchief.

• Button Remapping seems to be available in the Pause menu during the demo.
  
• There is free-cam. This will require the use of both thumbsticks on a controller, or WASD + mouse. However, the game is paced slow enough (so far) that if you can only use one hand to play you may still be able to play. I didn't come across any quick-time events in the demo.
  
• Everything kinda melds into everything else visually. It all kinda has this grey-brown wash that makes things... harder on the eyes in terms of picking things out? Especially if you get glare from the in-game sun, which is tbh pretty painful.
  
• No colorblind mode or high contrast mode, which kinda ties in with the point above. In the character creation menu and pause menu, there are non-color indicators of what you've selected. A diamond shape next to the option in the pause menu, and a fancy second outline in the character creation menu for thumbnails, or a circle if you're using a slider like for eye color. But during gameplay there are some things that may be difficult to pick out if you're colorblind or have low-vision, just due to the lower tone contrast between things and only sometimes having sparkly indicators (there are none in some instances) like some games have for interactables.
  
• The sun does eventually go down, so there is a daylight/night cycle in the game.
  
• There's a bar-compass for navigation (like in Skyrim) and you must meet Baba Yaga to unlock a map. If you go in the right direction for a bit you'll see an icon for your house on the compass.
  
• The camera feels a touch jerky. I tweaked the camera sensitivity down, and even then sometimes the camera feels a little jerky. I struggle with vertigo, so for other folks who do, beware.
  
• Text is white, a serif font, and not adjustable in size, font, color, or contrast. No contrast box around the text to make it pop. So far the size of the text has been okay for me, but I think the dialogue text in specific would be a pain for anyone with low vision, playing on Steam Deck/ROG Ally, or anyone who's dyslexic as the font feels a bit narrow and crowded. Also the text for the button prompt is way too small even on my (good sized) monitor that I'm close up to. The text in the journal you eventually get is also on the small side, low contrast, and item headers are in "fun" fonts that may be a pain for dyslexic and low vision users.
  
• Typo(s?)-- minor quabble but one of the villagers told me to "stay save" instead of "stay safe".
  
• You get to carry a baby goat. For a lil quest from a villager.
  
• Rewards for villagers' tasks are often decor from what I've seen in the demo.
  
• There are some cute visual touches, like things you've gathered hanging off Reka's backpack.
  
• You can read and interact with other things while carrying something-- don't do it (yet). That's how I glitched the giant Fabergé egg under the floor of Baba Yaga's hut (I could see it between the planks, but couldn't interact/pick it back up.
  
• Gathering distant things requires holding two buttons at once, similar to aiming down sights and then firing in some games.
  
• Baba Yaga is sassy. 10/10, no notes, I love her.
  

All in all, I think it's fun and it'll be cute. But not terribly accessible for anyone with vertigo or visual issues, unless the devs tweak some things. I like the visual style, though I wish things were a little more distinct so it's a little easier to see things.

Heyo hi!
I've been away from reddit for a little while as I needed to deal with some personal stuff but am once again on the lookout for someone/some people who I can hang with every now and again! I'll jot down my hobbies here and if they resonate/match with yours feel free to drop me a DM! :))
So, here goes:
- Music ~ I play the piano & guitar!, currently learning to sing, still a loooooong way to go though!
- Dance/Fitness ~ I've been trying to get into modern dances like hip hop/street popping styles :D
- Skincare/Fashion ~ Any fashion-fanatics would totally be welcome as I'm trying a big restyle currently, currently working on different hairstyles and outfit designs!! Possibly getting some curly hair into my straight hair soon!
- Video Games ~ I do like to play games every so often, primarily on PC but I do have other consoles too!
- Language Learning ~ Been learning Korean and trying to learn other languages recently too - any tips/guidance or just generic conversations in languages besides English are super welcome
- Cooking/Baking ~ I love baking too, very therapeutic which brings me onto my other hobby:
- Coffee/Drinks ~ I love to make and explore different types of coffee, recently made my own boba tea also :) would looove some tips on how to make my coffees extra creamy!
I do have other hobbies but I'd say the above are probably all my main ones :) I will say though, I am from the UK but my sleep schedule can be pretty scuffed so I'm happy to chat to people from anywhere in the world :)
If anything mentioned takes your interest, drop me a DM and see if we vibe? I do use discord primarily so it's preferred and please be 18+ annd finallyyy, please do not spam me if I don't reply in 15 seconds...!! I will try my best to get back to everyone <3

Heyo hi!
I've been away from reddit for a little while as I needed to deal with some personal stuff but am once again on the lookout for someone/some people who I can hang with every now and again! I'll jot down my hobbies here and if they resonate/match with yours feel free to drop me a DM! :))
So, here goes:
- Music ~ I play the piano & guitar!, currently learning to sing, still a loooooong way to go though!
- Dance/Fitness ~ I've been trying to get into modern dances like hip hop/street popping styles :D
- Skincare/Fashion ~ Any fashion-fanatics would totally be welcome as I'm trying a big restyle currently, currently working on different hairstyles and outfit designs!! Possibly getting some curly hair into my straight hair soon!
- Video Games ~ I do like to play games every so often, primarily on PC but I do have other consoles too!
- Language Learning ~ Been learning Korean and trying to learn other languages recently too - any tips/guidance or just generic conversations in languages besides English are super welcome
- Cooking/Baking ~ I love baking too, very therapeutic which brings me onto my other hobby:
- Coffee/Drinks ~ I love to make and explore different types of coffee, recently made my own boba tea also :) would looove some tips on how to make my coffees extra creamy!
I do have other hobbies but I'd say the above are probably all my main ones :) I will say though, I am from the UK but my sleep schedule can be pretty scuffed so I'm happy to chat to people from anywhere in the world :)
If anything mentioned takes your interest, drop me a DM and see if we vibe? I do use discord primarily so it's preferred and please be 18+ annd finallyyy, please do not spam me if I don't reply in 15 seconds...!! I will try my best to get back to everyone <3

Heyo hi!
I've been away from reddit for a little while as I needed to deal with some personal stuff but am once again on the lookout for someone/some people who I can hang with every now and again! I'll jot down my hobbies here and if they resonate/match with yours feel free to drop me a DM! :))
So, here goes:
- Music ~ I play the piano & guitar!, currently learning to sing, still a loooooong way to go though!
- Dance/Fitness ~ I've been trying to get into modern dances like hip hop/street popping styles :D
- Skincare/Fashion ~ Any fashion-fanatics would totally be welcome as I'm trying a big restyle currently, currently working on different hairstyles and outfit designs!! Possibly getting some curly hair into my straight hair soon!
- Video Games ~ I do like to play games every so often, primarily on PC but I do have other consoles too!
- Language Learning ~ Been learning Korean and trying to learn other languages recently too - any tips/guidance or just generic conversations in languages besides English are super welcome
- Cooking/Baking ~ I love baking too, very therapeutic which brings me onto my other hobby:
- Coffee/Drinks ~ I love to make and explore different types of coffee, recently made my own boba tea also :) would looove some tips on how to make my coffees extra creamy!
I do have other hobbies but I'd say the above are probably all my main ones :) I will say though, I am from the UK but my sleep schedule can be pretty scuffed so I'm happy to chat to people from anywhere in the world :)
If anything mentioned takes your interest, drop me a DM and see if we vibe? I do use discord primarily so it's preferred and please be 18+ annd finallyyy, please do not spam me if I don't reply in 15 seconds...!! I will try my best to get back to everyone <3

Heyo hi!
I've been away from reddit for a little while as I needed to deal with some personal stuff but am once again on the lookout for someone/some people who I can hang with every now and again! I'll jot down my hobbies here and if they resonate/match with yours feel free to drop me a DM! :))
So, here goes:
- Music ~ I play the piano & guitar!, currently learning to sing, still a loooooong way to go though!
- Dance/Fitness ~ I've been trying to get into modern dances like hip hop/street popping styles :D
- Skincare/Fashion ~ Any fashion-fanatics would totally be welcome as I'm trying a big restyle currently, currently working on different hairstyles and outfit designs!! Possibly getting some curly hair into my straight hair soon!
- Video Games ~ I do like to play games every so often, primarily on PC but I do have other consoles too!
- Language Learning ~ Been learning Korean and trying to learn other languages recently too - any tips/guidance or just generic conversations in languages besides English are super welcome
- Cooking/Baking ~ I love baking too, very therapeutic which brings me onto my other hobby:
- Coffee/Drinks ~ I love to make and explore different types of coffee, recently made my own boba tea also :) would looove some tips on how to make my coffees extra creamy!
I do have other hobbies but I'd say the above are probably all my main ones :) I will say though, I am from the UK but my sleep schedule can be pretty scuffed so I'm happy to chat to people from anywhere in the world :)
If anything mentioned takes your interest, drop me a DM and see if we vibe? I do use discord primarily so it's preferred and please be 18+ annd finallyyy, please do not spam me if I don't reply in 15 seconds...!! I will try my best to get back to everyone <3

Heyo hi!
I've been away from reddit for a little while as I needed to deal with some personal stuff but am once again on the lookout for someone/some people who I can hang with every now and again! I'll jot down my hobbies here and if they resonate/match with yours feel free to drop me a DM! :))
So, here goes:
- Music ~ I play the piano & guitar!, currently learning to sing, still a loooooong way to go though!
- Dance/Fitness ~ I've been trying to get into modern dances like hip hop/street popping styles :D
- Skincare/Fashion ~ Any fashion-fanatics would totally be welcome as I'm trying a big restyle currently, currently working on different hairstyles and outfit designs!! Possibly getting some curly hair into my straight hair soon!
- Video Games ~ I do like to play games every so often, primarily on PC but I do have other consoles too!
- Language Learning ~ Been learning Korean and trying to learn other languages recently too - any tips/guidance or just generic conversations in languages besides English are super welcome
- Cooking/Baking ~ I love baking too, very therapeutic which brings me onto my other hobby:
- Coffee/Drinks ~ I love to make and explore different types of coffee, recently made my own boba tea also :) would looove some tips on how to make my coffees extra creamy!
I do have other hobbies but I'd say the above are probably all my main ones :) I will say though, I am from the UK but my sleep schedule can be pretty scuffed so I'm happy to chat to people from anywhere in the world :)
If anything mentioned takes your interest, drop me a DM and see if we vibe? I do use discord primarily so it's preferred and please be 18+ annd finallyyy, please do not spam me if I don't reply in 15 seconds...!! I will try my best to get back to everyone <3

Heyo hi!
I've been away from reddit for a little while as I needed to deal with some personal stuff but am once again on the lookout for someone/some people who I can hang with every now and again! I'll jot down my hobbies here and if they resonate/match with yours feel free to drop me a DM! :))
So, here goes:
- Music ~ I play the piano & guitar!, currently learning to sing, still a loooooong way to go though!
- Dance/Fitness ~ I've been trying to get into modern dances like hip hop/street popping styles :D
- Skincare/Fashion ~ Any fashion-fanatics would totally be welcome as I'm trying a big restyle currently, currently working on different hairstyles and outfit designs!! Possibly getting some curly hair into my straight hair soon!
- Video Games ~ I do like to play games every so often, primarily on PC but I do have other consoles too!
- Language Learning ~ Been learning Korean and trying to learn other languages recently too - any tips/guidance or just generic conversations in languages besides English are super welcome
- Cooking/Baking ~ I love baking too, very therapeutic which brings me onto my other hobby:
- Coffee/Drinks ~ I love to make and explore different types of coffee, recently made my own boba tea also :) would looove some tips on how to make my coffees extra creamy!
I do have other hobbies but I'd say the above are probably all my main ones :) I will say though, I am from the UK but my sleep schedule can be pretty scuffed so I'm happy to chat to people from anywhere in the world :)
If anything mentioned takes your interest, drop me a DM and see if we vibe? I do use discord primarily so it's preferred and please be 18+ annd finallyyy, please do not spam me if I don't reply in 15 seconds...!! I will try my best to get back to everyone <3

Heyo hi!
I've been away from reddit for a little while as I needed to deal with some personal stuff but am once again on the lookout for someone/some people who I can hang with every now and again! I'll jot down my hobbies here and if they resonate/match with yours feel free to drop me a DM! :))
So, here goes:
- Music ~ I play the piano & guitar!, currently learning to sing, still a loooooong way to go though!
- Dance/Fitness ~ I've been trying to get into modern dances like hip hop/street popping styles :D
- Skincare/Fashion ~ Any fashion-fanatics would totally be welcome as I'm trying a big restyle currently, currently working on different hairstyles and outfit designs!! Possibly getting some curly hair into my straight hair soon!
- Video Games ~ I do like to play games every so often, primarily on PC but I do have other consoles too!
- Language Learning ~ Been learning Korean and trying to learn other languages recently too - any tips/guidance or just generic conversations in languages besides English are super welcome
- Cooking/Baking ~ I love baking too, very therapeutic which brings me onto my other hobby:
- Coffee/Drinks ~ I love to make and explore different types of coffee, recently made my own boba tea also :) would looove some tips on how to make my coffees extra creamy!
I do have other hobbies but I'd say the above are probably all my main ones :) I will say though, I am from the UK but my sleep schedule can be pretty scuffed so I'm happy to chat to people from anywhere in the world :)
If anything mentioned takes your interest, drop me a DM and see if we vibe? I do use discord primarily so it's preferred and please be 18+ annd finallyyy, please do not spam me if I don't reply in 15 seconds...!! I will try my best to get back to everyone <3

made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.

Hi all. I got accepted in UW Madison, out of state, and they are covering need-based aid entirely for me. I got into the Banner Program, which pays for college through grants and scholarships. The aid is pretty decent.
I don't know if I should go or if I should attend a CC and then transfer to another uni. I am not super sure about my major or what I want to do in a career; I was thinking med up to junior year but I don't really know anymore.
Some background: I used to live in Wisconsin up to like 6th grade, and then we moved down to Illinois because of my parents' work. I was homeschooled up to 8th grade and then transitioned into online school for 9-12. My extracurriculars were volunteering at the library, tutoring kids at school, and in 12th I got selected as president of my school's NHS. We didn't have any cool fun things like Prom or Homecoming so I wasn't able to experience that. Not blaming anyone or anything but because of online school I kind of became antisocial and I am working to talk to people without sweating by working at a restaurant. Anyway, I am afraid and scared of UW Madison (when we moved from Wisconsin, we lived near Verona, which is associated with UW). I was really sad and lost all my friends at that point. I practically loved Madison.
I feel like I'm behind and I know a lot of the kids from my old school (in Wisconsin) are going to UW-Mad. In fact one of my friends mom asked my mom where I'm going because her daughter is going there. And I know her pretty well but feel embarrassed to talk to her.
So basically Idk what I should do. I have to decide by May 15...which is coming up soon so I wanted to see what a bunch of strangers on the internet thought.
Also, if I take a gap year or go to CC , I'll have to take the SAT or ACT again since my scores weren't too hot. I applied TO for this year and I've heard that they're using test scores again for the next cycle.
Should I attend UW Madison? Should I stop being scared of challenges? (I started attending online school after I went to a public school for a year and I hated it, mainly because I couldn't make friends and I missed my friends in Verona A LOT). I also got homeschooled for the same reason (I went to a middle school and they barely taught anything and at the time I was really serious about my education LMAO so my parents agreed).
ANYWAY, I also know that a lot of people from my past schools are going to UW Madison.
What do you all think? Attend or no? Also if you're accepted or attending, what do you like about the school other than lake Mendota and Lake Monana and the terrace?
Thanks!!!

hi everyone! i have naturally wavy hair, but when i scrunch it enough i get more defined curls. i did this tonight in preparation for my prom tomorrow but then realized i have work in the morning and won’t be able to wear my hair down. does anyone have any suggestions for a hairstyle i could wear to work which would still preserve the curls so they don’t get crushed or fall out ? thanks!

Hi. I’ve been out to myself as trans since i was around 12 (so 9 ish years) and have never been fully accepted by family (sad i know but you learn to deal with it), and even though im almost 21, im still in college and live with my folks so T wont happen anytime soon (especially because im planning on applying to grad school when i graduate). Despite this, I have had (almost) every hairstyle under the sun. Short, shaved in the back, mullet, you name it. Currently, I have long hair. It goes about halfway down my back when straightened (i have naturally curly hair, about 2C when i take care of it) and i think it’s what has helped me pass the most! I by no means am “naturally masculine” with a sharp jawine and stuff (im fat and have quite a round face), have a very feminine voice (probably my biggest insecurity), and only have “”facial hair”” thanks to a daily routine of minoxidil and a weekly hit with beard dye (im actually proud of how its looking rn) so its not like i have any advantages or anything. It’s all about playing around with things. Not just your hair, but your clothes, accessories, etc. Ive even passed on days i didnt try at all to! Figuring out what type of glasses (if you wear them) make your face look most masculine. this is gonna sound strange but ive noticed certain colors help me pass more. its all about practice and seeing what works. if youre in a situation like me where youve been wanting to transition for a long time and T just isnt in sight for you but you still wanna have long hair cause you really like how it looks on you, its all about playing your cards right. and of course, a good network of supportive people in your life wherever you can find them also helps. sorry this is a bit long-winded, im just tired of seeing people always tell pre-t (or even on T) trans men they can never pass with long hair when that simply isnt the case for everyone.