Why did the farmer visit the pharmacy? To speak with the farm-assist.
Hi and welcome to my post! Wanted to start off with a funny to me dad joke.
Nice to meet you, I'm Dylan! To put it simple, I am a single 22 year old man who has been pretty lonely in life and lacking in female connection and interaction. And part of what comes with that is the desire to be intimate with a person. I am very mature for my age and will always be respectful of your boundaries and feelings, especially with anything sexual. Lately all I have is myself when it comes to sexual desires, so I would like to have someone to keep company with in that regard too.
I'm just relaxing at work since there's nothing really going on and thinking about going home tonight and burning a woodwick candle. Perfect for when there's a storm outside. I love candles! 🕯️ Sometimes a campfire outside on a fall night or a crackling WoodWick candle is a relaxing constant among our busy and hectic world. It's nice to just disconnect, feel grounded and happy in your own little cozy space. Feeling calm and collected and at peace. Something that fewer people take the time to do these days.
I am seeking a woman around my age or older to build a close connection with that could possibly lead to a relationship and something intimate which includes the possibility of teasing/sharing pics etc. but only when we were comfortable. Figured I would be open in my Intentions as that's the best way to be.
You:
Kind, respectful, and easy going.
Comfortable with the idea of eventually sharing intimate things together.
Willing to eventually move off of Reddit.
Want something genuine and fun!
Are honest in your intentions and a good person to be around!
That's about it, we will get along great I know it.
I've been feeling a little bummed out lately. I always try and stay happy and see the best in things. But.. I've just been so alone. Most of my whole childhood and adult years have been spent feeling lonely. I grew up surrounded by cornfields which was peaceful but also has a lonely aspect to it. My family never really were close and never did anything as a family really. And part of it too is the fact that I never had any neighbors my age to interact with. But aside from that, my adult life has been very lonely. I'm just always by myself. I barely have any meaningful adult relationships or experiences, or even any friends.
I work a 3-11 job in building maintenance at my company world headquarters building which I love, but again it's very lonely. I work the off shift so the building is always empty. I don't get normal social interaction with people my age or a chance to build relationships. I only have 3 older men as co-workers and we are mostly in the basement away from any people on the floors from knowing our existence. I always walk the floors and see office people laughing and chatting with their coworkers and I just don't have that kind of experience. And just.. no one knows I exist really. Everyone probably assumes I have a lot of friends, but I'm struggling inside with being so alone and trying to meet people and get past the "hi how are you?" "I'm good thanks" stage. Most people don't seem to want to talk beyond that. And most women are already in relationships and thus it would seem weird to approach them in an office setting trying to get to know them deeper. But man those "hi how are yous" are the only real interactions I get during my day.. so thus I decided to come here lol. Rant over, sorry! I promise I'm not a downer. 😅
Now for some things about me!
As you can tell, I am very mature for my age and am polite and have good grammar which unfortunately not everyone my age does anymore lol. I am not active at all on social media/internet culture really and don't know much about all the slang the younger people these days use. I feel like I'm 50. 🤣
I am left handed which is pretty cool. I'm not much of a party person or a drinker, I much prefer a quiet night at home and maybe a beer or two on a weekend but that's about it. I am simple and stay out of drama and trouble and don't get much into politics or other things that cause drama with people. I much prefer a relaxing campfire and a night at home and to just let the world keep on turning haha. I consider myself pretty intelligent and mature, especially for my age which is why I'm open to older ladies.
Physically I'm 180 pounds, have brown hair, green eyes, and a typical build. There's a few pictures on my profile.
Some of my hobbies are:
• Photography
I have a Nikon D200 and D5500 that I love to shoot with. I love nature scenes, abstract, black and white/goth kinda photography, sunsets, etc. it's so fun to just let your mind explore. It's not about what camera you have, but those who are behind the camera! I'm gonna try and photograph the northern lights tonight!
• Cooking and baking
I loveeee to cook and bake! I enjoy making various meals but also love to just have a frozen pizza once in awhile or something like that. I recently made homemade chili which turned out great. I love to bake, especially in the fall! I love pies, cakes, pastries, cookies, etc. I restored a vintage KitchenAid mixer that needed tbe gearbox rebuilt. Eventually I would love to practice home canning my own food.
• Music
Oh my gosh, I like so much!! Alternative rock, punk, post punk, electronic, synth pop, psychedelic rock, hard rock, etc. I am very non judgemental and open when it comes to music. My three current favorite bands are Type O Negative, Joy Division, and the Cure.
• Nature walks and camping
I really enjoy camping, making fires, and relaxing by a campfire. I love to take walks outside and just enjoy the beauty and simplicity of nature. It's wonderful, especially in a world so focused on everything digital.
• Repairing things
I'm a maintenance guy and one of my hobbies is electronics repair so I am good with my hands and just all around good at troubleshooting and fixing all sorts of things around the house. Last week I helped my elderly neighbor get his tractor started, it needed a new component in the starting circuit. So I'm pretty handy which... Comes in handy! 😂
• Autumn 🍁
This isn't a hobby per say, but man do I love the fall!!! It's my absolute favorite time of the year. Oh my gosh. The beautiful colors, crisp cool air, misty and foggy days, rain, lack of bugs, being cuddled up with a candle or by the fire drinking a tea, etc. I love it! There's only two seasons for me. Fall, and waiting for fall! Haha.
• Scented Candles and incense
Going along with my love for fall, I absolutely love candles! I have like 30 something lol. 😂 Currently my favorite are WoodWick, which are owned by Yankee candle. They have such a soothing crackle and the scents are great! I also love to burn incense from time to time as well. I have cottagecore hippie vibes.
• Old houses and architecture
I love old houses! Especially 1900s and Victorian era homes. Old homes have so much character to them and are just so beautiful from a time when people took pride in their craft. I strongly dislike the modern cookie cutter cheap construction of homes today. I would love to live in an old home one day. I also love their architecture and uniqueness, as well as architecture of old cathedrals and other buildings.
• Relaxing
Basic I know, but sometimes on the weekend I just love to get cozy in bed and relax and put on a YouTube video or an album! 😊
That's about it for me, I'm a pretty laid back and simple person. My ideal person is someone who is respectful and honest! I am very straightforward and open minded and would hope that you are as well.
If I seem interesting to you at all I would love to hear from you!
Thank you so much for reading.

I will try to make this short.
Last weekend I had opportunity to peek through her messages and I could not resist to confirm or to deny that she cheated on me almost a year ago.
Everyone told me she cheated but I was convincing myself the opposite. I never imagined myself to getting so low to read someones messages but I did. Through messages I confirmed that she texted her friend that she is in love followed by pictures of a guy and her. Also I found out that when she went to visit a friend of hers she actually slept at his place. Because she fucking didn't know my GF was in town.
I knew about him but she always made fun of me when I said I don't trust her that there is nothing and everything is suspicious.
It seems like they have tried something but it didn't last. So she came back to being normal and started being interested in me.
I didn't want to admit that I went through her messages. So I told her to come clean and that I know. And she is denying hard. I still don't want to admit that I went so low to read her private messages. But she is hard denying and asking me what is happening with me. I am actually digusted by her.
The thing is. Now I am cutting all contact. Her family is kind of cool though. But I wanted to cut them too because honestly we didn't have much in common and I don't want to be near her and I understand that they will always have to take her side. So I unfollowed them on all social media. And now they are asking me what is happening.
What should I do? I am disaapointed to the bottom of my heart that a person with whom I spent two years just doesn't admit it. I am also dissapointed that I didn't end it when everyone around me told me that she is trying something with this guy but instead ended up being suspicious for a year. But I just believed her.
I feel like I want to hurt her and show everyone who she is. But I think that is under my level even after reading the private mesages. Also I am not sure what would happen to me if everyone found out I went through her private stuff..... I feel disgusted by me and by her.

** This is a brand new build. **

What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.

• Gaming. I don't play very intensive games as my current PC can't really handle them. LoL, Hearthstone, Rocket League, Phasmophobia and Chess? However, with a stronger pc I want to be able to run games such as the infamous Cyberpunk 2077 on a good (QHD+)quality with 120+fps. Aside from gaming, I need the build to have a strong CPU (Probably a Ryzen 7 7800X3D) for handling CPU-based Chess engines like Stockfish. I also need the build to have a strong GPU for handling GPU-based Chess engines like Leela. The build should also be able to handle AI image creation tools such as Stable Diffusion, although this is not a priority over the gaming and chess needs. I will be handling p2p torrents for things like seeding public Linux ISO's on a Bittorrent client, so ample storage size and speed are a pro. Finally, the build's monitor and hardware should be able to support an external blu-ray player (and perhaps games) at 4K quality.

What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?

• €3500 - €4000 VAT included. If my needs are met without reaching this amount, then obviously I'm already happy. Preferred range €2000-€3000.

When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.

• A.S.A.P.

What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc)

• Almost everything that a desktop gaming PC needs, as I currently have an old laptop with a shitty mouse. Included in the budget are; Tower, Monitor, Motherboard, CPU/GPU/Case cooling, Storage cards, Memory cards and PSU.

Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?

• The Netherlands, right in the middle of the country. (It's a small country so I don't think it really affects that much. If it does, let me know) * ABSOLUTELY NO AMAZON PURCHASES * Reliable local vendors include Megekko, Alternate and Azerty.

If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.

• An older Razer Kraken headset which I'm not quite satisfied with. Using the headphone jack results in bad mic quality and worse audio than when using the headset as intended. (putting in an USB and turning on the headset, resulting in a few hours of use before it's empty) If you guys have recommendations, let me know. I'm a big fan of anything that I don't need to charge A.K.A. wired goodies. I will also be bringing a Razer Ornata mechanical keyboard. Although I'm satisfied with the keyboard, I can't bring myself to fully use it's functions (custom RGB stuff), since I've come to dislike Razer's software and it's impact on performance. Maybe if the new pc can actually handle processes running in the background my view on this will change. I won't be bringing anything else.

Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?

• Eventually yes. my current laptop doesn't even allow overclocking (thanks HP) but I do want the option to overclock the CPU and GPU to unlock their full potential when in a few years time I want a performance boost. Or just do it now, I haven't decided yet. But I do want the option to do it!

Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)

• For Stockfish, I want at least AVX-512 support on the CPU. I'm pretty tech illiterate though, so if it means that's out of budget, please tell me. For leela, I want CUDA support. I think that means a Nvidia GPU, preferably 4070 or highebetter. I want at least 2 TB storage but preferably more like 4 TB. Prioritize storage amount over speed. I'm used to ancient HDD speeds so I don't necessarily need gen5 SSDs to already feel a huge improvement. Please no HDDs. I want the build to be quiet, although I'm used to a lot of noise. (laptop fans work overtime, all the time) The tower can be any size to fit the build, although I'd prefer the build not to include RTX 4090, since I think those would automatically increase case size.

What type of network connectivity do you need? (Wired and/or WiFi) If WiFi is needed and you would like to find the fastest match for your wireless router, please list any specifics.

• I want support for high speed WiFi. I am really illiterate when it comes to wifi/ethernet speeds, but I trust you guys can help me out. I do want to set up fibre + ethernet in the future(I think 10GB LAN Ethernet), but for now I'm stuck with Wifi 6 due to no ethernet cables in walls.

Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?

• Go wild! But do try to keep away from excessive RGB. Actually, I do prefer on having as little RGB as possible, unless as aforementioned it limits options.

Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?

• It is not included in the budget. But I will be getting Windows 11 Pro.

Extra info or particulars:

• Please no RTX 4090 unless it still fits the budget and the tower. if it means having a bigger tower I would rather have a smaller tower and no RTX 4090.
  
• Thank you for reading! I'm open for any questions. Personally I have been compiling and discarding part lists for the past few weeks as I keep stumbling upon more information and getting distracted. I hope you guys can help me make a decision after procrastinating for weeks and weeks. Cya
  

Title, friend has a 4070 dual from asus, and it was running cool but now even running timespy has hotspot hit 100c, being a 25-26c delta from the actual gpu core temp.
Can't find any informaiton on thermal pad thickness and upon inspecting the gpu, he's found a loose spring stuck in the heatsink...
With the current asus scandal going on w/ their attempted scams on even a big name such as Gamers Nexus, he's worried about how to getting it looked at / fixed.
He took some pictures to show me of the gpu from the side (without opening) and the pads look very thick.

The winning team of Mnet's survival program Build Up'',HunMinJayBit'', will embark on a new challenge as a vocal group, BDU.
BDU members JAY CHANG, ONE PACT, Bitsaeon (MONT), Seunghoon (CIX), and Kim Min-seo recently held an interview at the OSEN building and talked about their thoughts on winning Mnet's ``Build Up.''
Build Up,'' which recently ended airing in South Korea, is a survival program in which talented singers who are confident in their vocals and love singing, regardless of genre, collaborate to create the best four-member vocal boy group. Jay, Bisseon, Seunghoon, and Kim Min-seo, who worked together asHeungmin Jaebit'' on the program, overcame fierce competition to win and will debut as a four-member group, BDU.
The four members said, As our first official schedule, we took a profile picture.We are preparing an album for the first half of the year, so we have received the songs and are listening to them.''They added,We will soon start living in the dormitory.'' I told him about the current situation.
When asked about his thoughts on winning, Bisseon said, I'm very happy.I was happy because I won first place for the first time in my life, and I'm glad that there are other members who can do it together.Everyone worked hard inBuild Up.'' , I'm glad that I was able to achieve a result that feels worth it even though I worked so hard. I would also like to thank all the fans." Seunghoon continued, ``I couldn't believe it at the moment I won.It would be great if I could win, but that wasn't my goal, so I'm grateful that the group was formed.I cherish the stage.'' I felt satisfied that I was able to do this because I practiced while thinking about it.I would also like to express my gratitude to all the fans who have supported me from the beginning."
Jay also said, I was happy to appear on the showBuild Up,'' meet some wonderful friends, and stand on a great stage.I'm happy to be able to sing as BDU thanks to the fans.'' From now on, we will do our best to show only our cool side to the fans who chose us."
Kim Min-seo said, I didn't expect to win either, but it felt like a dream and I was so happy. I had an experience that I'll never have again, so I think it's an important memory that will stay in my life. We're happy to be able to work together. Since you've supported us, we need to repay you, so we'll do our best." BDU is an abbreviation forBoys Define Universe,'' and it means that four people, each with different personalities, will come together to create a new universe. For two years, they plan to release music and albums as well as conduct various activities including touring in Korea and globally.
In particular, the winning team of Build Up'' will be awarded a prize of 100 million won (approximately 8.9 million yen). The members revealed that they have not yet received their prize money, but plan to divide it equally. Bisseon said,The prize money has a lot of meaning and is precious money.I want to give back to the people who helped me and put the rest in my bankbook and just look at it.''
Jay also said, I want to give back to the people who supported me and save money for the rest,'' and Seunghoon said,I don't care about the amount, but it's the first time I've won first place, so I think it's a waste to spend it.'' The money means so much to me that I haven't thought about it yet." Kim Min-seo said, ``I also feel like it would be a waste to spend it.Even if I actually receive a lot of money, it would be a waste to spend it because it was money from winning 'Build Up,' so I would like to thank all the people who supported me. I think I'll buy him some food and save the rest," he added.
HunMinJayBit, which was formed by Jay's selection of members, has emerged as a group with solid talent, visuals, and ability as an all-rounder. Regarding the selection criteria for the members, Jay said, ``I wanted to create a group with all-rounders who can do a wide range of things.Since I'm from the same company as Bisseon, I've been watching him for a long time, and I've seen him sing in a variety of genres. I had watched a lot of them, and I thought we would get along well with each other, so I chose Seunghoon right away.He showed a new side from the beginning to the end of the show, so I think Minseo was exactly what you would call an all-rounder. However, he continued to show that he was a trainee.I felt that he had a lot of potential, and I chose him after seeing his growth.Even though I wasn't the first to choose him, I had high hopes for him. I'm very happy that I was able to choose the members who will do it."
When asked about his future plans, Seunghoon said, ``Although there are no specific dates yet, we are planning to release an album in the first half of the year, and are making various preparations.This year's goal is to release two albums. We're planning to perform music that makes use of our vocals, which is our strength. No matter how difficult the songs are to dance to, we'll be performing them using handheld microphones."
Regarding the group BDU, Bisseon said, We are the main vocalist in each group, but each group has its own color and style, so I think I've only shown a limited style.This time, I'd like to introduce the main vocalist, a person who likes singing. Now that we have come together, we would like to do a variety of activities on stage and music where we can showcase our individual vocals.Although we all have different colors, there is a synergy that emerges when we come together. So, when our fans listen to it, we want to give them high-quality music that will make them think that we are the winners of vocal survival." The members have appeared on various survival programs such asBOYS PLANET'', PEAK TIME'', andYG TREASURE BOX'', but what prompted them to try out for another audition program?
Kim Min-seo said, Originally, I was a trainee, but I was rejected from the debut group, so I decided not to become an idol.However, I wanted to do music, so I was alone for about a year. I was struggling, but there were many difficult times, and I was unsure about things, so I think I needed some inspiration.At that time, the opportunity to appear onBuild Up'' came and I received the offer. I said I would do it right away, and I worked actively on it." Jay said, WhenBOYS PLANET'' ended last year, there was a part of me that doubted whether I had been able to show them enough.When the opportunity for Build Up'' came, I thought I would be able to do it well enough. I decided to appear on the show because I thought I could prove my vocal ability.'' Seunghoon said,I gained a lot from appearing on 'YG Treasure Box' six years ago.At that time, I was able to hit high notes. I wasn't able to do it, but I was able to hit high notes throughout the show.When I heard that ``Build Up'' was a vocal show, I wanted to try my hand at that.''
Bisseon also said, I recently appeared on a survival show, and I thought I would never do it again, but when I heard that it was a vocal survival show, I wanted to try it. Although there was some pressure, I took on the challenge because I thought that regardless of whether I got a good result throughBuild Up'' or not, the experience would have a positive influence on my singing in the future.'' Except for Kim Min-seo, who was a trainee, Bisseon belonged to MONT, Seunghoon belonged to CIX, and Jay belonged to ONE PACT, and they were already active as an idol group.
Seunghoon said, All the members supported me. They told me to come on the show and show what I wanted to show, and they encouraged me to do well without getting nervous every round.'' I was able to do so well because of that kind of support.'' Jay also said,From the beginning, the members supported me very hard and gave me a lot of advice.They supported me and wanted me to show it to the world, so I was able to give a lot of my strength.'' talked.
Bisseon said, At each new round, I shared with the members how to present the stage and received a lot of advice.I received a lot of strength.When the winning team was announced at the end of the final, the members also "I was there, but it felt strange. They were happy together." When asked about the most memorable reaction, Seunghoon said,One of the things that was a little difficult for me while appearing on ``Build Up'' was that people looked at me in a slightly negative way after I decided to appear on this show.'' There were some people there who were our fans, so it was mentally tough for me," he said. ) The painful feeling started to feel rewarding. It was a great opportunity for people to get to know me and the team, and I felt like I was accomplishing that goal. I felt better, and I think I've enjoyed it more since then," he said frankly.
Finally B․ D․ When asked about his goals as a member of the U, he said, I definitely want to go to the award ceremony at the end of the year, either this year or next.It's a place where I can show off my vocals, so I definitely want to go.'' I want to show it to you.'' Bisseon expressed confidence,I want to hold a solo concert in Korea during B․D․U's promotion period and fill a large stadium.''
Next, Jay said, When I was young, I dreamed of becoming a singer because of the songs of various singers. I would be happy if B․D․U could be a group that had that kind of influence.'' Kim Min Seo said, I would be happy if our music made it onto the charts. Our goals are big and we want to rank No. 1."
https://twitter.com/Kstyle_news/status/1789972591274598622?t=wTqhKywqwknISv_n7UkGAg&s=19

So a few days ago I had an update to my iCUE firmware. Like an idiot I installed it. Upon first installing it ALL of my LINK fans and my LINK H150i LCD stopped appearing in iCUE. I uninstalled and reinstalled the iCUE app. No fans/pump again. Only keyboard and ram sticks. Uninstalled and reinstalled an older version. No change. An update popped up for a newer version. I installed it and my pump/fans finally came back in iCUE. Okay great.
But then today I boot up and they’re gone again! I am so sick of Corsair. I’ve had nothing but issues and this cooling system was over a grand. Their customer service severely lacks and now I’m having issues with the app to control cooling and temp readouts. Sigh.
Has anyone had these issues in iCUE with a suggestion on how to fix it? I built this PC in November, and aside from having 3 of my fans go bad (bearing issues, don’t even get me started), the iCUE app at least worked flawlessly until this last update. Now the app is completely screwy. I used to love Corsair products but this is by and far the worst experience in PC’s I’ve had since…well since PC’s became a household thing.

It seems that the heretofore unannounced Polybrute 12 will be launching soon. This shop has a listing with a picture, showing a "home computer beige" color scheme.
The features appear to be nearly identical to the Polybrute, with the obvious exception of six additional voices. The synth also sports MPE support with a "FullTouch" keyboard. Price appears to be around €3900, unclear if that's with VAT.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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The Hanging Tree By John Westrick

The ball streaked towards little Jimmy Hanson, covering the distance uncomfortably fast. The scrawny boy two sizes too small with the aviator glasses, cringed out of the way. It landed directly where he had been standing, and like that the game ended.
“Damnit Jimmy, you're supposed to catch the ball not hide from it!” a fat kid with a glove on one hand cried.
A skinny boy with glasses turned from the pitcher's mound to look at Jimmy disdain clearly visible on his face, “This is the third run you’ve allowed, and you wonder why we never let you play with us. You’re dog shit! Actually, I apologize to all loads of shit out there, you’re even more useless. I’d prefer to have Roger Morris on our team and he can’t see a damn thing with those bug eyes.”
An easy-going boy with blonde shaggy hair and a confident smile strolled up to Jimmy, extending his hand to assist, and said, “Here let me help you up. After all, you're the best player on our team. MVP hands down. Come on boys, give him a cheer!”
The boys chanted Jimmy’s name in a mocking parade of triumph.
“I don’t need your help, David,” said Jimmy.
Dirt smeared and face growing hot, the embarrassed boy attempted to climb to his feet. The hand extended to help, struck lightning-fast, catching the smaller boy squarely in the chest. With a groan of pain, the dirty boy hit the ground for the second time that afternoon.
“Well, if I knew you liked to eat dirt so much, I never would’ve offered to help,” said David, a wolfish smile forming on the landscape of his face.
A chorus of cruel laughter echoed all around.
“I hate you David Baxly,” said the wheezing boy.
David looked at Jimmy with disgust, giving him a savage kick to his left kidney. “Why don’t you do us all a favor and die. I doubt even your family would miss you.”
The rest of the boys walked away leaving the bleeding Jimmy whimpering on the ground.
No longer crying from pain but seething anger, slowly he began to crawl to his feet. “I wish I could go somewhere else. Just pick up and move and never have to see those shitheads ever again,” said Jimmy speaking to no one in particular.
It was thoughts of revenge that occupied his mind, half-baked plans, he didn't have the courage to act upon. No matter, it wasn’t revenge he truly sought, but a friend. The idea of having people look at him and truly see him. Humiliation for David Baxly was just an added bonus.
The bloody boy was still fantasizing about these things, when he found himself staring at the intersection of Jackson and main street in the sleepy town of Brookhollow, Tennessee. Brookhollow is like many rural towns, so tiny that it doesn’t even appear on the map. There are 876 residents in the tight-knit community, according to the 2008 census. Main street boasts one general store, a gas station, the town hall, and Debbie’s Diner.
It was on the outside of the later building that he saw the missing sign of Jack Dunkin, a 12-year-old boy from a neighboring town a few miles to the west. Jack was from Polk, a slightly larger town and known rival to Brookhollow. Even though Jack was in the same grade as Jimmy, they had never met.
Jimmy looked at the picture and saw that the boy had been missing for nearly 3 months. He wondered how his mom would react if he was missing that long; he reached the conclusion that she probably wouldn’t even notice. Ever since she took that job at Debbie’s to pay for the remainder of her husband’s gambling debts, she was hardly even home.
She was gone when he woke and didn't come back too well after he was asleep. The only time Jimmy had any communication with Laura Hanson was on Sundays. Even this small exposure was tainted by the bone deep exhaustion. She may have been present, even so, she wasn't there. Laura wakes, eats, drinks, uses the bathroom; yet she isn't really living. She reminded the boy of those cheesy horror movies they sometimes play late at night. The walking dead.
As little as his interaction with Laura, at least she still lived in the ramshackle motorhome right off the main highway. His dad, if he even still qualified to be called that, left some time back, draining the joint bank account and leaving the two of them penniless. Jimmy didn’t even know where he stayed, let alone had a phone number for the bastard. A few years back he received a postcard from him. He was shelled up in some two-bit motel in the thriving city of Las Vegas. On the back of the card was a charming little note, it said, “Jimmy, I wish you could see the city. Maybe you could come out and visit. I’d love for you to come and hang with my friends. Ps. Could you have your mom send me some money, I’m in a little bit of trouble here.
This led to his first real fight with his mom. He was adamant on going and meeting his father, thinking that if he got to know him he could change him. Bring him back. His mom wanted nothing to do with the man, nor did she want her son to be hurt again. The argument got heated and words were exchanged. In the end, he stayed, but some things chafe over time. Things were never quite the same.
If the boy was honest with himself, he would have to admit there is no one in his life. He has no friends in school, there is no one waiting for him at home, and he is not a part of any extracurricular activities. He goes to school, comes home, does his homework, makes dinner for his mom, and goes to bed. It has never occurred to him that he is lonely, the fact is he has never known anything else.
Jimmy doesn’t actually live in Brookhollow, his house is about two miles north up highway 29. He lives outside of the school’s jurisdiction, so he is unable to take the bus. He walks to school every day. The walk is peaceful and he actually looks forward to it. The boy possesses an overactive imagination and gets lost in his fantasies. A little less today, his ribs ache with every step. But not even this inconvenience can ruin the solitary 2-mile trek back home. He makes no turns, highway 29 is main street. All he needs to do is walk straight and he will arrive at his house.
But he is not walking in rural Tennessee anymore. He is a pioneer exploring the Great Frontier. Native Americans and wolves stalk him at night, he must be aware of the dangers that lie beyond every turn. He can see his way through any situation with the help of his trusty companion and best friend, One-eyed Pete. Pete used to be an outlaw that robbed and cheated people, but changed his ways when Jimmy saved him from being hung on the hanging tree.
A shutter runs through his body every time he remembers the hanging tree. It’s the largest oak he had ever seen. He loves to climb trees but would never dream of climbing that one. It is twisted, not a single leaf on its branches. If evil was ever a location, it would be at the heart of that gnarled tree. Jimmy doesn’t like to think about it. It always seems to ruin his mood. Poison his mind. His fantasies always turn darker when he thinks of the oak.
Suddenly he is aware of exactly how alone he is. A full mile out from the safety of the town. No one is nearby. It’s just him, the trees, and his own tormented imagination. He wishes he wouldn’t have thought of that tree. He wishes he had a dad to pick him up from school, but there is no rescue for him. In Jimmy’s experience, heroes only exist in the story books.
“The hanging tree is in your mind, Jimmy, it isn't real,” he tells himself over and over as if to ward away evil. And why not? For that tree is most definitely evil, the hideous villain in an insidious plot.
In the primal portion of his mind, he senses danger. The same skittish feeling the antelope experiences shortly before the concealed lion pounces and feasts on flesh.
“Trees don’t eat little boys,” murmurs the frightened boy.
“Maybe so, yet that oak could hardly be classified in the same league as other trees,” responds his own treasonous thoughts.
The boy's mind splinters; warring factions jockeying for supremacy. Paranoia seizes him, inky black hands clawing the air out of his lungs. A young boy unaware of the inward mutiny happening amidst his own wits, completely left to his own demented imagination. Yet, the stakes of this adventure are a great deal higher than any he has yet to experience.
His mother was fond of telling him, “What you think, you become.”
A truly awful thought slinks into his mind unbidden. What if the stories his mind conjures could gain reality too? The thought overwhelms the boy. His eyes shift back and forth searching for threats. Jimmy’s senses are keen to his surroundings. Every twig snapping, a creature stalking. Every bush rustling, a hungry beast ready to devour. Yet, the petty fears of a child's tormented mind pales to the unearthly wrongness of the hanging tree.
“What if mom is right?” says the concerned boy to the emptiness. At this unwelcome thought the boy slams his eyes closed in a futile attempt to banish the horrific idea.
“The hanging tree isn’t real,” says Jimmy, knowing in his heart this isn’t true. In the back of his mind, the boy is certain that the moment he opens his eyes, he will see it. He will see the strands of rope dangling from the gnarled branches. He will smell the smell of decaying bodies. He will hear the creak of rope swaying gently in the cool breeze.
The boy doubles his efforts in a vain attempt to keep his eyes closed. He sees red due to the strain he is putting on his muscles. He hears the steady pulse of his blood rushing in his head. The boy also understands that all this effort is for naught. He must open his eyes at some point. Jealousy creeps into the boy’s heart. Envy for the man born without sight. For the boy understands the moment he sees, there will be no coming back.
The moment has come.
Jimmy can no longer keep his eyes shut. Seconds before his eyes fling open, he feels the gentle touch of someone's hand on his shoulder. This touch startles him, and the boy throws wide his eyes.
Sure enough a few hundred yards in front of him, stands the abomination. A lone tree on the top of a bald, scarred hill. Not a living thing to be seen. No vegetation growing on the hill, no squirrels scuttling about, just a great oak, standing; an obscene gesture to the god of this world. The only fruit of this tree the decaying flesh of dead men, and likewise, the only cup the curdled blood of those hanging. A final meal set for the boy, an unholy communion.
The hand, whose was it? Was it even human? The little boy left visibly shaking at the touch of the unknown. Is this death? The icy grip of the Reaper himself here to harvest with his scythe. No marriage, no children, not knowing the pleasures of true friendship. Life cut short, a lamentable state of affairs.
It was in this line of thought, where true courage was mustered. A strength measured not by the size of his muscles or the amount one could lift, but the more impressive type, the type quantified in the amount of shit one can wade. Identified in the amount of crap hands dealt without bowing out altogether. Young Jimmy Hanson did the unthinkable, he turned and faced death looking it in the eyes.
Eyes, yes, but death perhaps not. It was no titan of horror, nor was it the poster child of demented evil. Child it was, but this boy was familiar. Not anyone from his class, yet he knew the boy. In a moment of clarity, he recognized him. It was the missing kid, Jack Dunkin.
He looked identical to the poster on the side of Debbie’s Diner. He wore the same black and white Van’s tee shirt, ripped blue jeans, and some tattered Nike tennis shoes. The thoroughly terrified Jimmy stood staring at the missing boy, mouth ajar.
Jack with an easy-going grin plastered on his face, said, “It's about time, someone comes looking for me. I've been waiting for you Jimmy, far too long.”
With an audible click the boy shut his gaping mouth and responded, “Ja- Jack, you've been missing for nearly three months. Have you been out here all along? Are you alone? Are you hurt?” Jimmy fired these questions in rapid succession, growing more suspicious with each word.
“I’ve been right here, waiting for you to come and play with me. You see, I am like you. I never had anyone to play with either. Now you are here, and you must stay with me,” said the bigger boy with a smile on his face.
Jimmy’s mind quieted, for the first time in his life he saw himself clearly. A boy with no friends, no father, hardly a mother, bullied every day, and no way of escape. Clarity revealed the harsh truth. A day had not gone by that he wasn’t lonely. There was no one in his life. There was no life for him.
The undersized boy looked at the other with longing in his eyes. He thirsted for a friend, like a man lost at sea. He hungered for companionship, like a man stuck in the wilderness. It wasn’t just a desire; he was desperate for a friend. If the bigger boy would leave, Jimmy felt as if his soul would tear in half. His heart would shatter into a thousand pieces unable to be put back together. The boys' eyes were a mirror reflecting the same sad truth, they understood each other. Both had lived, and neither had anyone to share it with.
The boys bound by shared hardships grasped onto each other refusing to let go. The combined burden of loneliness lessened by two backs, instead of one.
With few words exchanged, the two of them created soul ties. Not the ties of lovers, but of lifelong friends. The type one dies for. The rare type of friendship that most people never form in their entire life. It was rich. It was wholesome. Jimmy felt as if his life was complete. The one thing he always desired truly fulfilled.
Jack grabbed the smaller boy’s hand and guided him towards the tree.
Jimmy, not wanting to get anywhere near that monstrosity, tried to pull back.
“Don’t worry. The tree is a good place. It will take us to a new land filled with boys and girls just like you and I. No David’s or bullies like him,” said a smiling Jack.
“How did you know about David? You’ve been missing all this time,” said a concerned looking Jimmy.
“Jimmy, I hear whispers. My friends tell me things. They will tell you secrets too. If you want to be friends with me, that is.” The bigger boy looked down at his ragged shoes. He looked so pitiful and Jimmy was so starved for companionship, how could he not follow the boy.
Jack led the two of them to the scarred trunk of the tree. Here he let go of Jimmy’s hand, telling the boy, “Do exactly what I do.”
Jimmy’s fear bottled up deep in his guts. He felt as if he was going to explode. The tree was sinister and twisted. Evil through and through. Yet, the little boy had never had a friend. He was not willing to throw that away so easily.
Jack walked to the lowest hanging branch. He reached up and grabbed one of the dangling nooses. He wrapped it around his neck and looked at Jimmy. “Don’t worry, no pain is felt. The hanging tree is magic. You’ll close your eyes on this world, and wake up in a better place with me and all of my friends,” said a smiling Jack.
“Ja-Jack, I don’t think I can do this. It seems dangerous. I need to go back home soon. My mom will be waiting for me,” said a terrified Jimmy.
A heartbroken Jack looked at the smaller boy and said, “Jimmy, I can’t believe you would lie to me. Your mom isn’t home and she wouldn’t even notice that you are missing. Come with me. I am the only one who cares for you.”
Tears streaming down the smaller boy’s face, he responded, “Please don’t make me do it! This place frightens me. Can’t you just come home with me?”
“No! This world despises people like you and me. We weren’t made for it. We were made for the hanging tree. This is where you belong,” snarled the bigger boy.
Jimmy, eyes still running, reached with trembling hands for the dangling noose. He seized it. With one final glance at his friend, the little boy placed the loop around his neck. Immediately the noose drew tight. It felt as if the tree was hauling him up by it. The boy kicked and squirmed. Trying to shout for help, but his airflow was cut off. He managed to make a choking noise, then with one final twitch all was still. Still as the glassy surface of a lake on a spring day.
Little Jimmy Hanson had finally made a friend.
The two boys remained dangling together, gently swaying in the stale autumn breeze.

i love reading about Big Stupid Romantic Gestures on /actuallesbians, because I like to picture myself in the stories and dream that one day I'll have a more poetic life. But also because they're usually uplifting and wholesome, and I need more of that in my life.
so it's kinda incredible, really, that I've finally got one of my own to tell.
Few nights ago, I get in from work, and, as usual, i'm dead on my feet. She, meanwhile, is already home, because she's got a normal schedule for normal people. and as soon as I walk in the door, she jumps up off the couch and takes my hand and says I need to follow her. So I drop my bag and my keys, and - feeling a little panicked - follow her out of my apartment, into the hall, and then down the hall to the stairs at the end (nobody uses the stairs, where the hell are we going?)
we start climbing the stairs. all the way to the top. Up there, behind a bunch of maintenance shit, is a locked door leading out onto the roof (well, one of two roofs, actually). But it's always locked, and always alarmed, so we've never had a chance to use it. Except for this time, because the building manager is there and he's holding it open, smoking a cigarette and looking down at his phone. And like, we're all friends and everything (I've been living in that place for years) so he just gives me a little nod and a smile, and then goes back to tapping away on his fruit combo or whatever. Sliding past him, we go out onto the roof - which is not a safe roof, by the way - and it's cool and breezy and dark; and in the corner, up against some AC duct, there's a wireless sound bar connected to an ipod nano (that's how old we are), playing something vaguely classical and fancy.
and as soon as i look at her, she puts her arm around my waist and we start slow-dancing in the middle of the roof, like we're at a prom or something. And Lukas (not his real name) slinks away and leaves the door wedged open with a bucket full of cigarette butts, so now it's just the two of us (and the people in the adjacent, much taller building) all-alone on the roof. And I'm completely breathless, so I ask her what the hell is going on. What's the occasion? She says no occasion, just that i should 'look up'. And so I do. But all that's up there is a featureless gray sky, blown out by the orange sodium of our neighborhood. She says there's northern lights up there, if you look hard enough. Which is unbelievable, but I believe her anyway. And so I'm squinting and not really seeing it; there's maybe the faintest hint of green, I'm not really sure. And then, like a pot of spilled ink, my eyes adjust and there's this wash of color. Faint and blurry, gone in a second. But I swear I saw it. And I'm like wowww, completely transfixed; and that's when she kisses me and tells me she loves me (i said it back without hesitation, btw) and we start moving in a circle to something slow and orchestral. All while high up above (I assume, because, if im being honest, I didn't see shit) the night sky was shimmering with an otherworldly glow.
After a while, blue danube comes on, which is one of my favorites, and we start twirling to that instead. and it cannot be overstated how bad we are at dancing, but we kept spinning and tip-tapping across the insanely dirty roof for another, I dunno, forty-five minutes before Lukas came back to wrap it all up. And the whole thing was, without question, the best moment of my entire life. No ulterior motive, no surprise announcement, no 'by the way, I ran over your cat earlier, hope this softens the blow' at the end. Just the distant sound of traffic and the crackle of a 128kbps harpsichord over in the corner. We didn't speak a word. I just lay my head on her shoulder, she brushed my hair a little, and halfway through she touched my butt. Chef's kiss perfection, the whole thing.
anyway, that's it. I dunno if anyone cares. but i had to write it down somewhere, just to get it outta my head. also, i think she paid lukas to let us up there, ill ask him when i see him. oh, and in the future, i will completely embellish this story to have us dancing a step-perfect waltz to a crystal-clear aurora in the shape of our faces. but for now, it was just a clumsy night in the city. and i liked it. she's the best.

My hands are shaking as I write this, I have to document my story incase something happens to me in the next few days. I'm not sure where to begin but I suppose here is better than anywhere.
I've always had this weird feeling, this sensation inside of me that I was older than I actually was. By the time I was twelve, my soul felt as though it was forty. By the time I reached twenty, I felt like an old woman. I would watch people around my age acting foolish, and I always thought, "What a bunch of children." So it was no surprise to anyone that when I turned twenty-one, I left my hometown and college and decided to spend the summer alone by renting an old farmhouse in an insignificant town on the edge of an even more insignificant border.
When I told my mother, she had a veritable fit, unable to find the words. She spluttered and raged around me for days before I finally left early one morning to avoid her guilt and frustration with my choices. I was not sure why I craved solitude at such a young age, why I found solace in being alone and removed from society.
In high school, I had changed unexpectedly, cutting my long blonde hair short and dying it black, getting piercings that my mother loathed and claimed no young lady should have. You see, my mother was raised proper, as she called it. Good family, good husband, and finally a good life. She despised her perfect life being squashed by my alternative looks and feelings of the same world. She just didn't understand me or the world as it changed around her. I felt like I was just a trophy to her and my father, her perfect angel who had been tainted by my own demented thoughts.
I never told my parents where I was staying, one last rebellious mission before leaving for a few months, and it took me only a few hours to arrive at the farmhouse where I would be staying for the next few months. The land around the farm was dead or dying, old crops rose out of the dry dusty earth and had turned black and forgotten, as if this land was the example of dreams long forgotten and empty. A single dreary lane connected this desolate farmhouse to the rest of the world. On the outside, it was drab and looked as though it would fall apart. It had two stories but still seemed cramped and small, as if it were a single floor tied to the ground.
Across from the house, bordering the tall weeds that had reclaimed much of the farmland, stood a maudlin-looking faded red barn, one door propped open in a dejected manner revealing naught to me but shadows, dust, and a little mystery.
Next to the barn, staked into the ground on an old-looking cross, was a ragged scarecrow. It had drab brown clothing, but its face was oddly realistic, like it was watching me with a disapproving manner. Straw poked through its joints at odd angles like they were trying to break free from their confines. The scarecrow obviously didn't do its job as it was covered in no less than three crows.
I parked my car next to the barn and stepped out into the dusty yard before the farmhouse that I would make my home for the next few months. I checked under the front mat for the key and put it in the lock.
With a satisfying click, the door fell inward into the farmhouse. Surprisingly, the inside of the farmhouse was modern, clean, and looked quite inviting. I could smell the fresh paint on the walls, and everything was so white. The realtor had told me she would stop by tomorrow to collect the rent, and she had tried to chat my ear off on the phone about all the renovations she and her son were doing on the place.
I sighed with contentment and tossed my bags beside the door. I dug around in my bag and removed my camera, my father's old film shooter as he called it. I had taken up the hobby years ago for what I called capturing the oddity in the world.
I explored the small house a little more; the ground floor consisted of a single room and small bathroom with a shower. The bedroom was upstairs and was the only room, the stairs connected directly to the white and pink monstrosity that was the master bedroom. The pillows had laces on them and almost made me gag from the cuteness. There was even cute white lace curtains on the window with little flowers stitched onto them.
Out of the only window of the room, I could see the barn and the scarecrow. I aimed my camera at the pair and snapped a photo. From this angle, the scarecrow appeared to be staring straight at me. It stood next to the left side of the barn in a dejected manner like a chastised child.
A shudder involuntarily ran through me at the sight, but I moved on back downstairs. It was getting close to dinner time now, and I had brought some food with me.
After a few minutes, I had my dinner on the stove cooking and the crickets chirping outside the open window. As I sat down to eat next to the window, I felt at peace for one of the first times in years. The solitude of this old farm was exactly what I needed. The window supplied a nice breeze that wafted through the place, it smelled of grass and warm summer nights, made me feel at peace. The simple dish of spaghetti with tomato sauce and a glass of wine was all that I needed right here, right now in this moment.
That night I climbed into the frilly laced bed and sunk into the claustrophobic mattress. I felt like Goldilocks in the mama bear's bed as it was altogether too soft. From my perfumed bed, I had a good view out the window. I had left the porch light on, and it cast an eerie glow across the yard. The barn loomed ominously, stalwart against the light of the porch, like it was protecting the shadows from the battering ram of light. The somber scarecrow leaned against the left side of the barn.
With a small jump, I thought I saw its arm move slightly. I peered through my camera using the zoom to get a better view of the scarecrow. It was completely still in the night, and I laughed quietly to myself at my silliness. I had always enjoyed horror movies, but there was no chance I was living in one. I settled back into bed and put my camera down. Within a few minutes, I fell into sleep's warm embrace.
What felt like only a few minutes later, I sat up in bed. It was still dark out, I could hear crickets chirping through the open window, and I strained my ears for a moment.
I thought something had woken me up. I felt a cold shiver run down my spine as a cold breeze wafted in through the window. I pulled the frilly blanket up around myself when I heard it. A thud sounded below me, shaking the whole world into silence. The crickets stopped chirping, and my heart felt like it had stopped beating. Someone was in the house. I hadn't locked the door or closed the kitchen window, and now someone was downstairs. A second thud sounded like a boot on the staircase. Then another and another as something was slowly moving up the stairs towards the room.
I don't know why I did it, but something came over me. I wasn't big or especially brave, but my normal cowardice in social situations changed instantly. With a dash, I tore across the room, flicking on the lights, ready to face my attacker, to defend myself against male or female. I would fight, and I would win.
But as the lights turned on, ready to strike with my foot, nothing was there. The staircase was empty, and upon further inspection, the entire house was empty. The kitchen window was open, and I shut and locked it securely before checking the door. Nothing. I sat down on the couch, my heart pounding out of my chest, as I tried to make sense of what had just happened.
"I must have still been half-asleep," I said aloud to the room in a thinly veiled attempt to calm my nerves. It failed horribly, but I went with it. What else could you do in a situation like that?
After locking up the house, I went back up to that frilly four-poster bed in the bedroom and stared out the window. Nothing was in the yard except my car, the barn, and the same old sad-looking scarecrow staring across the yard.
Day 2
The next morning, I woke up to the soft light filtering through the lace curtains. Despite the strange events of the previous night, I felt strangely refreshed, as if the morning sun had chased away the shadows that lingered in my mind.
I descended the stairs, the wooden steps creaking softly under my weight, and headed to the kitchen. As I brewed a pot of coffee, my mind wandered back to the events of last night. Was it just a figment of my imagination, or was there really someone in the house?
Shaking off the unease, I decided to explore the farmhouse in the daylight. I wandered through the room, admiring the modern renovations that clashed with the rustic exterior. The farmhouse had a charm to it, despite its eerie surroundings.
As I made my way outside, the cool morning air greeted me, and I took a deep breath, letting the serenity of the countryside wash over me. The barn stood tall against the backdrop of the morning sky, and the scarecrow seemed to watch me as I crossed the yard.
I approached the barn, curiosity getting the better of me. Pushing open the creaky door, I stepped inside, the musty scent of hay filling my nostrils. The interior was dimly lit, the sunlight filtering through the cracks in the wooden walls.
I explored every nook and cranny of the barn, but found nothing out of the ordinary. As I turned to leave, something caught my eye. In the corner of the barn, hidden beneath a pile of old blankets, was a small wooden chest.
My heart racing with anticipation, I lifted the lid of the trunk and peered inside. What I found took my breath away. It was a collection of old photographs, yellowed with age, depicting scenes from a bygone era. They were of a man with his family, two young kids, and a beautiful young wife. The man had yellow blonde hair, almost like straw in texture, but he smiled so happily with his family.
I sifted through the photographs, my fingers trembling with excitement. Who had left these behind, and why? Each photograph seemed to tell a story, a glimpse into the past of this forgotten farmhouse.
As I sat there, lost in thought, a sudden noise jolted me back to reality. It was the sound of footsteps coming from outside the barn.
"Hello?" The dreamy voice of a woman called to me from the entrance to the barn.
I slammed the lid of the trunk shut, closing the memories up in a flurry as I spun around to be greeted by a quite pretty woman with blonde hair and a pink suit skirt combo. She had bright pink lipstick, that seemed to be a permanent fixture on her face, and quite shiny and sparkly blue eye shadow on her lids. I myself only wore black eyeliner. This woman was like Barbie in her proportions, thin waist, long hair, and large tracts of land, as my father would have said.
"Oh, hello," I said simply, always awkward in normal social situations.
If she noticed anything odd about me, she breezed over it in an easy manner. Taking me by the shoulders, she led me out of the dusty barn and into the yard.
"You must be Polly. We have been waiting a while for you to come. I simply must know what you think of the renovations to the house. Aren’t they just to die for?" The lady said all in one breath, as if she didn’t need air to speak.
"Yes, they are quite nice..." I started before she cut me off, not in a rude manner but instead in one that she would have continued on even if I had just told her I was not Polly and instead I was a mass murderer looming for my next victim.
"You see, me and my son Eli—yes, Eli, you stop lurking in the shadows over there," she said, continuing on as I noticed a younger man leaning up against the barn. He wore simple clothes of jeans and a white t-shirt but had a handsome face. His hair was brown and hung slightly over his eyes.
"I hope you don’t mind if my son here continues working on some renovations while you stay here? Strictly on the outside of the house, mind you. A fresh coat of white paint would make this little beauty shine. We would have finished by now if not for the accidents," she continued, completely unabashed by my silence.
"Sorry. But you are the realtor?" I said, trying to regain my feet under me.
"Oh my god, I am so sorry, dear!" she said with an affable cackle.
"Yes, yes, I am Barbara, but all my friends call me Barb. That over there is Eli. Eli, come say hi," Barb said while her painted talons rested firmly on my shoulder.
Eli stomped over, keeping his eyes low, in a sort of moody way that actually intrigued me, sort of.
When he glanced up at me, I noticed he drank in me from head to toe, and for the first time, I realized what I was wearing. An old rock t-shirt of one of my favorite bands and, of all things, my black pajama bottoms with cartoon bats on them that said "happy halloween."
I felt my face blush crimson as he made eye contact with me. He had very mysterious eyes of blue that seemed to cut right through my soul.
"Nice shirt," he said while gesturing to me. His voice was quiet and uncertain, as if he didn’t get much practice with the art. Knowing his mother, it seemed highly accurate.
"Thanks. Do you like them?" I asked.
"Oh, he likes all sorts of things, don’t you, Eli? Honestly, you two can gab on forever. But miss, I believe we have a small matter of payment," Barb said, drawing the conversation back to herself.
"Of course. Let me go get it," I said as I went back into the house and retrieved the envelope with the rent money in it.
Barb grabbed the envelope in her bright pink talons and snapped a piece of bubblegum between her teeth. With quick fingers, she leafed through the cash, counting it. As she counted, her normal bubbly personality seemed to disappear, giving way to what I gleaned was her true thoughts and feelings before the facade slipped on once again.
"Mmkay, perfect honey, this is the right amount. Now you have my number, so you call if you need anything. Like I said earlier, Eli will stop by from time to time to work on painting the house. I promise you he won’t be an imposition, just pay him no mind," Barb said in a sweet voice as she popped her gum in between each word.
"Eli, come on, please, I have an appointment in town," Barb said to her son, and they both climbed into a garish pink convertible with jewels hanging from the mirror wrapped in a gold chain.
Barb waved one last time as she sped off out of the driveway, covering me in dust as she spun the wheel around.
With their departure, I went inside and retrieved my camera. I spent a few minutes shooting a few pictures I thought were worthy. I re-entered the barn and pulled the old trunk out into the sunshine. Inside was only a handful of photos, some old clothes, and what looked like some old heirlooms. A beautifully old candlestick and a few leather-bound books lay at the bottom, covered by an old tablecloth. The tablecloth was a nice white with intricate swirling patterns inlaid around the edges.
Why would these things be packed away in here? They were so beautiful. I decided to bring the stuff inside for further inspection. As I lifted the trunk, out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something move in the tall grass at the edge of the property. I stared for a minute, but nothing moved again. I must be getting jumpy being alone like this. After last night and then this, I was just imagining things.
I brought the items inside and spread them out. I put the tablecloth on the table, and it hung low to the ground. I placed the candlestick by the window and took out the photos again, spreading them out.
The photos told me a story of a loving family that obviously lived in the farmhouse before me. They had a photo next to the barn, with a brand new looking scarecrow in the back. The man even had his arm around it; it looked so much cleaner and proper in this photo. I stared outside at the sad-looking scarecrow.
I took my camera and the photo and went outside to stand next to the scarecrow. His post hung kind of crooked in the earth like it was weighed down by the scarecrow.
I snapped a photo of the scarecrow as it was, then examined the original photo. I began resettling the post in the ground, but it kept sagging. I decided to pull him out of the ground and move him while I added more dirt to his hole. With some effort, I reseated him into his original hole. He already looked better, but I straightened his clothes and pulled out the last bits of straw that stuck out of his clothes. When I was finished, I looked back at him and took a photo, smiling while I did so at my work.
I then spent some time sweeping the front porch and banging the dust out of the cushions before I curled up on a wicker chair with plump cushions for a few hours reading a book I had brought with me.
I felt quite content at this place. The sounds of the crickets began again, putting me at ease as the sun began to descend. I had spent the entire day just relaxing, and it was perfect. I sat sprawled out in the chair, too lazy to go and make dinner or even move. My bladder was full, but I waited until the last moment before dashing inside and relieving myself.
That's when I noticed it, out in the yard. It seemed as if the scarecrow had moved closer. Once shrouded by the barn slightly, it now had moved a few steps into the light from the porch. My heart dropped at the sight. Not again, I must be asleep on the porch in the chair. I pinched myself, trying to wake up, but all I received was a sore arm.
I closed my eyes, then rubbed them, hoping to dispel whatever plagued my mind, but when I opened my eyes, I noticed the scarecrow was even closer. Halfway across the yard now, it sat menacingly, hanging crooked in the dirt. The scarecrow seemed to be staring at me with an intense gaze. The slits in its face were open now, and in the porch light, I swear I could see human eyes underneath the mask.
I moved towards the front door, locking it in a swift motion. I was shaking now, and it took me a minute to relax. I never took my eyes off the scarecrow for fear of it moving again.
My cellphone was upstairs, so I couldn't flee without the scarecrow moving again. I breathed out slightly and unlocked the door, letting it swing in with a creak. The night outside was silent, as if everything was holding its breath. The usual crickets that plagued me with their song day and night had fallen quiet. I stepped out onto the porch; I needed to go confront this demonic entity. Something about this still made me think this was a prank.
"Eli, is that you?" I called out to the scarecrow.
No response, of course. I steeled myself and put one foot off the porch, never taking my eyes off the scarecrow before me. Something seemed to be dripping from its head as I approached, a dark slime that seemed to be melting from its joints as it stood there silently, except for the constant drip of the liquid on the dry dirt before me.
I walked around the scarecrow, determined to figure out what was going on. As I circled it, my vision darkened for a moment as I faced towards the light of the house. I jumped as the scarecrow's head turned to face me as I looked away. The black liquid drained faster from the being, forming a shallow pool at its feet.
I'm not proud of what I did next, but I fled, taking my eyes off the scarecrow. I made a mad dash for the farmhouse. Behind me, I could hear the pounding of feet. I screamed as loud as my lungs would let me. My voice rang through the silence as I grabbed the door handle and wrenched open the door as I felt a strong grip fall on my shoulder.
I turned to defend myself, but nothing was there. The scarecrow was gone, the wooden cross had vanished, as had the pool of dark liquid in the dirt. The world sprung back to life; the crickets began chirping loudly, and my heart restarted. I slammed the door, and the air from my force scattered the photographs on the table. I ran upstairs, leaving the lights on in the house, and dove onto the bed, wrapping myself in the frilly blanket like a set of frilly armor.
I snatched my camera from the bedside table and held it close, determined to document the rest of the night. I held it in shaking hands as the noise downstairs began—the sound of boots crossing the floor to the stairs and the careful but heavy steps of ascension as they climbed closer and closer to me.
This time, I didn't lunge forward as the light was already on. I glanced out the window, but the scarecrow was still gone. I focused my camera on the stairs and waited as the steps came closer and closer. A shape began to form as the head of whatever was coming up the stairs crested the floor. Then a plain brown mask with slits where the eyes would be. It froze for a moment, then slowly turned its head towards me. Inside the slits were human eyes that seemed to be leaking dark red blood.
In the light, I could see it now. I snapped a photo of the beast, the flash setting off a reaction in the beast. The scarecrow moved so fast up the stairs it was a blur. My scream echoed throughout the house as it lunged at me. Filthy hands pinned me down, and the deep crimson liquid began pouring out of every joint of the scarecrow. It began covering my face, my eyes, and getting into my open mouth. I spluttered and kicked at the beast, but my blows had no purchase, as if the scarecrow on top of me had no substance to itself.
I coughed and spluttered on the liquid as it began to fill my mouth faster and faster. I tried not to swallow any, but it tried to find purchase as I was held down.
"Polly?" A nervous voice called from below.
Suddenly, as if the angels had called, the pressure dissipated, and I crashed to the floor in a heap, trying to spit the blood out, but nothing came—it was gone. Footsteps pounded up the stairs again, and I flew back in fear, closing my eyes.
"Oh my god. Polly, are you okay?" A voice said, and gentle hands grabbed my arm.
My eyes shot open at the human touch, and I grabbed Eli into a tight hug, where I promptly began sobbing in fear, my whole body shaking as Eli awkwardly hugged me.
"Don't worry, it's going to be okay," Eli said patiently to me as he hugged me back gently and began stroking my back.
I shivered in a choking sob and fell into his arms, desperately wanting to believe him, and for some reason, I did.

Hey y'all! Everyone like Star Wars? I assume so, you're here. You like LEGOs? I hope so, because that's what I have for you! Yeah, a couple months back I downloaded BrickLink Studio and started messing around with it, everything from big projects of which I have actually completed... Exactly zero of, mostly because I would need to physically sort out all my LEGOs and that's actual tedious boring work, to little silly stuff that I've shared elsewhere.
ALSO NOTE! SPOILERS FOR THE BAD BATCH FINALE AT TO FOLLOW! THERE WILL BE A FURTHER DISCLAIMER BEFORE YOU GET TO THEM, BUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
One of those big ones has been my own playscale version of the classic original trilogy RZ-1 A-Wing that properly matches the proportions of the model used on-screen.
RZ-1 A-Wing and pilot, and the beginning of my rage against BLS's lack of minifig parts.
I've had that cooking for a few weeks now. I have the instructions, and there's at least three metric walls of text worth of detailing to drop with it when that happens, I just want to physically test-build it before I release them out into the wild which... Well, see above, but that didn't stop me from being gripped by inspiration early this morning to also create the A-Wing as seen in Rebels. Which made me realize that there are actually FOUR of them.
Rebels A-Wing one.
This one is the one I'm (second) happiest with of the bunch, mostly because the colors match the closest and it was the simplest of the "basic" model to make. There are some changes and concessions I had to make, if I were to consider the Rebels version completely separate from the one in Return of the Jedi (which I do) I should honestly not hold myself as strictly to the RotJ proportions, the animation team certainly didn't, but all-in-all I think it turned out really well regardless.
Rebels A-Wing two.
This one annoys the crap out of me, because all the blue is supposed to be the same color and... well LEGO's part production does not agree with that. In retrospect I probably should've made a render with all the blues the same as a comparison, but I only just now thought to do that and I've been at this for 10 hour by complete accident. Which sucks because this is the one that looks the most like the Ralph McQuarrie concept art of the A-Wing which the Rebels design was based on.
Epic properly colored Rebels A-Wing three.
Busted actually buildable Rebels A-Wing three.
Now despite the last one annoying the crap out of me, THIS ONE annoys me the most. Because the colors are closest to how it appeared onscreen. Yeah, it can't be made in these colors. LEGO doesn't make those parts in dark green. This is, in my humble opinion, a crime. But I digress. I will take a moment to complain that the 3D model has that pretty red stripe RIGHT where the cannons are supposed to connect to the fuselage, which means that I can't just put alternating round plates there to perfectly replicate it, I have to instead put a full-sized brick there, and I can only represent the stripe with a red pin. Could I fix it? Probably. Did I? No. Will I? Maybe, I just want to kvetch about it.
Rebels A-wing four, sans space mom, stupid minifig limitations.
I thought, when taking this on that there were only three A-Wings in Rebels. Then I thought to look up which one Hera flew in the show. Turns out? None of the above, and hers' is really neat looking! I wanted the dark gray to be more of a sand blue color, but LEGO part colors strike yet again. Also having to brick-build the slopes to get the detailing (since it's Hera's I had to put a bit more effort in) was annoying.
But why all of this? What does this have to do with the subject of trans clones? Well, the finale of the Bad Batch aired and showed us Omega leaving to join the Rebellion as a pilot. Which led to this awesome piece of fanart being posted:
art by MMorali
I saw this cool picture on May 4th, left a like, and filed it away on my hard-drive with a whole bunch of other stuff. Then when I woke up this morning I was gripped by inspiration and HAD to make this:
Bonus Rebels A-Wing with best girl.
So all of this, aside from the RZ-1 A-Wing all the way up at the top, has been the result of me having a MIGHTY NEED to make best girl Omega and her fighter as part of Phoenix squadron depicted in that fanart in LEGO form. I was, in fact, so gripped by this urge and launched so headlong into it that it's only as I type this that I realize Omega is flying an X-Wing in that picture. I never claimed to be smart.

Forgive me for how bad this is because I'm awful at writing posts especially about myself but I'd love to meet some cool people and have some chilled chats about anything!
Here is some basic information about me if you're interested:
I'm Rory from the North Of Ireland and yes, I've got a weird accent
I currently work for the government, unfortunately I'm not a spy or anything exciting like that
I love music and I'm always going to gigs but my taste changes all the time, Some of my favourites lately are IDLES, Viagra Boys, Kneecap, and Fleet Foxes. I also love sharing songs and playlists so feel free to send them my way
I'm a big traveller and love going on adventures especially to new places
I'm a bit of a gamer and play PS5/PC but I'm a bit of a loner in that department and would be down to play with some new people
I have a unhealthy addiction collecting vinyls
I'm constantly rewatching the same tv shows such as the office, it's always sunny in philadelphia, peep show, and the thick of it but I'm open for more recommendations
I enjoy reading books or watching documentaries on true crime and Irish history because I'm a loser
If none of the above interests you I have two dogs who are the best bois in the world and I can just provide pictures of them
I don't know else to say and feel like I've rambled on enough so hit me up if you'd like to! Have a good day! :)

This mystery has been going on awhile but he finally made a noise - he’s a Fish Crow!! And that explains his relatively small size too! Has anyone else had experience with these? This one is so much friendlier and fearless compared to the American crows. He was my first (and favorite) crow bro. He seems playful, mischievous, and extremely bright. He always comes alone, even though massive numbers of his kind routinely commute along the north-south corridor near my house (presumably between their coastal territory and inland roosting ground). He’s the only one that pays attention to me. A small group of American crows patrol my neighborhood and regard me as their territory, but Russell seems to enjoy frustrating them by frequently dodging in and eluding their surveillance. He reminds me of the iconic animated Robin Hood, gleefully eluding the king’s guard, tipping his hat at the fair maiden, and making off with the treasure 😆Truthfully I need a better picture of him but when he comes by I’m so enamored I rarely waste time with my phone. He’s just THAT cool.

So I (20F) have known this girl, let's call her Em (fake name, 20F), for a whole bunch of years.
To be precise, we actually first met when we were little, but neither of us remembers it.
My mom has been friends with my "aunt" (not biological) since they were in high-school. As they grew older, of course, their families expanded. My aunt had three kids, who would be my cousins. Her mom's side of the family is from a another country that shares borders with ours. Her brother, who lives in said country, had 5 kids, four girls and one boy. We're unrelated. They're my "cousins" actual cousins.
Most of my family (this aunt and cousins included) live in another part of my country, so when I was a kid I used to go over the summer and stay most of it there to see everyone. It seems that when we were kids, we all hung out once, there's even a picture to prove it, but again, no one bellow age 25 remembers that.
Well one of those summers, when I was 14, I went to visit and went over to my aunt's for dinner. That's when Em and I kind of really met, and boy do I remember that.
We all said our hellos, and we sat down at the table, she was sitting across me. All night we made small talk, and I really liked her.
I was always openly gay, never really had a "coming out of the closet", since no one in my family cares. They've always been supportive of me. Her family, though, it's a different story.
Her siblings are great, and they're also cool about that, but her parents (specially her mom) are catholics (if I remember correctly, her dad or one of their uncles is a preist) soooo yeah we weren't really openly flirting at the dinner table.
But then, us young ones went away to play cards. She was playing against me, 3 vs 3, only this time she was sitting almost beside me.
The stolen glances, the grazing of hands, the little smirks. I remember the way she looked at me, like she didn't understand what or why she was feeling something, but she knew she was. She found me attractive, but with the not-really-but-just-met situation and her parents, we just stuck with that. I only saw her once again that summer, same thing, only for a whole day. And then back in my hometown as they were passing through to go back to their country
We exchanged numbers, and when we talked she confessed she liked me, a lot, but didn't know what to do in that moment. It was new to her, though that didn't really bother her much. I remember she said something along the lines of "It’s like I was so mesmerized by you and at the same time so confused that I just froze, but I would've kissed you if we had seen each other again, and if it happens I will".
Well, six years passed.
With not really the space or time to establish a relationship, and living in two different countries at that age kind of made it impossible and of course, naturally, contact faded and every once in a while we'd talk again as if no time had passed.
Eventually, she got a boyfriend, I had a few relationships two. Long term and serious on both accounts, but we never not talked at least a couple times a year (respectfully, of course).
I guess I never really stopped liking her, but it was more of a distant thing than anything else. Every time we talked though, it was great. We would catch up, open up about things we would otherwise keep quiet, etc. It's like we always gravitated back to each other, both in thought and in speaking terms (on both accounts).
Some time later, when she finished high-school, she followed her older siblings footsteps and moved to a city near mine to attend college, that was around a year or two ago.
She broke off her relationship a few months back, I did so too.
And a few days ago, I replied to a story she had uploaded on her insta and, well, here comes the best part.
We started talking, catching up, and I can't really remember why but the conversation eventually led to me saying I found her pretty. She replied it was mutual. I'll try to recall the conversation below.
"Wait, do you still like me after all these years?"
"Well, yeah, why wouldn't I?"
"I mean, we didn't see each other again, grew older and you even had a boyfriend, I thought maybe the feeling had passed for you"
"Yeah I mean I isolated myself a lot in that relationship, it sucked, but I never not liked you, nor forgot about you, it was just impossible"
"Well, it's not anymore. I still like you too, and I've been wanting this for years"
"So have I, I want to go see you"
I remember I told her that when I saw she had a boyfriend I didn't really wanna force or ruin anything cuz she seemed happy and I liked that, and she told me she would've left him in a heartbeat for me the second she'd known I still liked her.
We also talked about her family. She told me her mom actually found out about our little chat back in 2018 and got kind of mad, but Em told her to screw off and not go through her phone again, and that's the end of it. One of her sisters noticed then too, but just told her good for her and also never mentioned it again.
Then the same day I replied to her story, she was hanging out a while earlier with her older sister and a friend of theirs and eventually told them about me (her sister knew me, of course, but not how we actually felt about each other) since they were reminiscing about summers, told them she was still into me. That even after all those years I still caught her attention when I wandered my way into her head (and it's definitely mutual). She mentioned that although she had found other girls pretty, the only one that ever stuck out to her and really had her head-over-heels for, was me. I felt so flustered when she said that.
The rest of the conversation was one I'd never had with her. She told me she liked me, and what things. She thinks I'm pretty, she thinks I'm funny. Smart, talented, good. I honestly don't know if all of it is true but to hear her so talk about me that way, so starstruck, just like when we were 14, made my heart skip a beat. It was adorable. And then, well, it derailed into a more... uhm... mature conversation about plans we had for each other? If you get what I mean lol.
And that's where we are now. We're both having exams right now so we're planning to meet up next week when we're done.
IM SO EXCITED!
We miss each other, and we've wanted to hang out for ages. Not only that, but her now openness to be with me and enjoy it is so both refreshing and adorable. She calls me names, compliments me, tells me she wants me.
I never would've thought it would actually happen, not at least for a few more years. I also wouldn't have thought that shy girl I met would be so openly flirty with me, even on voice messages.
She's told me about a hundred times already how much she's wanted this, that's she's so glad it's gonna finally happen, that she's wondered what it's like to kiss me ever since she met me. That she wants all of me. Every last bit.
It's mutual, it's all mutual.
I feel giddy, excited, and I definitely feel wanted, and it's amazing.
Just wanted to rant about it and her, she's honestly amazing and beautiful. Kind, smart. Her accent drives me crazy and when she speaks her native language I literally feel weak.
Six years. Six years always thinking about each other (and many of those times it's like we mind-called each other beacuse we'd end up talking again). The girl I've had a crush on for the longest and never got, and we finally have the space, place and time to do it. This is it, it's our moment. And I definitely plan to enjoy every minute of it. She's worth it. So, so worth it.
Have a nice day everyone, Imma go talk to her lol bye

This probably isn’t the right subreddit but I got banned from vent for some reason. The title didn’t mean I’m just like a dick that spreads misinformation I meant I lie about myself. So I’m going to explain when I first noticed I physically can’t tell the whole truth about myself and my whole thing so this is going to be so long. So in 5th grade I hated school and I would cry to my mom begging not to go and eventually my attendance was so bad they threatened to take my parents to court. The school got me a counselor I would see once a week to talk about my problems and help my attendance, it did help my attendance but still lots of hours missed. When I first had my counselor I would tell them the truth that I was afraid of school and wanted friends and all my problems with school. I had this counselor in the summer and 6th grade. At first 6th grade was hard for me and my attendance became pretty bad again even with the counselor. I was able to bring my attendance and grades up a little bit and my anxiety started to go away once I made my first friend that year towards the end of 6th grade. Me and my friend hung out at his house and eventually we made a group of friends and we were all chill and I was pretty happy. That summer we went to carnival together and we had a couple sleepovers, there was no beef and it was pretty nice. The end of the summer I still had my counselor and the next school year started, 7th grade. I remember being really nervous because I everyone I knew said that 7th grade was the worst year of their life’s and the school year was gonna suck. The year started out pretty good we were all still friends and so far it wasn’t as bad as everyone said. By November me and one of the guys in the group got really close we were homies. We would call everyday after school and play Xbox and shit. I remember towards the end of November I started liking this girl in one of my classes. I never really had friends when I had crushes before this so I would just look at them in class never talk to them,get their number, etc. my friends started to notice that I liked someone and kept trying to get it out of me. The one guy that I got really good friends with in the group told me that he liked a girl to and we should tell eachother. I eventually gave in and told him on Snapchat. I told him and he told me. I thought it would some quick thing and we would move on. The next day at school all he did would tease me about it and act like he would tell her. I know that it is normal so I was fine with it because I thought he would tease me for a couple days and that’s it. He ended up teasing me for the rest of November and December and I didn’t do anything about it. We went into winter break and I got the girls snap (not by asking her just finding her on my quick add.). Me and my best friend from the group would continue playing Xbox all day and hanging out over winter break. At the time (December 2022) I had pretty low confidence in my hair because it was just some flat straight side part and I got some sea salt spray for Christmas that made my hair the fluffy hair i always wanted and I got a confidence booster even though I was still fat and ugly. I came back to school with my hair looking really good and got some compliments and I was pretty happy. My best friend that would tease me about my crush would start taking really bad pictures of me and horrible ss of my face on FaceTime and would post it on his story where my crush was added on his account. Obviously he was doing this to be a dick and lower my self esteem. I started to notice around February that my best friend was a complete dick but I thought it was funny and kept being friends with him. In February i started to get a little popular and people had a nickname for me and I knew that they didn’t actually like me and it was like a joke. Also at this time my best friend convinced the rest of the group to sit at the table next to his crush. We did and my crush happened to sit a couple tables away from us and Im not sure if he made us sit there because of that or because his actual crush. Also around this time my best friend convinced me to unfriend someone from the group and I did. I felt really bad for him and I still talked to him. When the best friend found this out he basically said over text when we were on the bus that I feel betrayed and we are done being friends. I was so upset and while I was on the bus I looked at his story and it’s him exposing all my secrets. Everything I told him was on his story. My crushes name, my dark secrets, everything. He also posted most of the bad pictures and apparently when I told him crushes name in November he was doing some glitch where he could ss and not tell me. I just turned off my phone and was holding back tears on the bus full of people, when the bus got to my stop I just quickly and quietly walked off the bus and walked to my house. I was mortified and just went to my room and cried, the hardest I cried since 5th grade. I thought my life was ruined. He called me and said he deleted the stories before anyone saw them and I became his friend again🤦‍♂️. I was scared because he had the other horrible photos of me. Shortly after i just forgot about the story and me and him and his crush and her friend hung out. We just got ice cream and went to a playground.his crush handed me a vape and told me to hit it. I don’t want to seem like a pussy so i did. I didn’t inhale it and apparently she was recording and sent it to my best friend. Later that night I saw the video on his story and was mortified and told him to delete it and he refused and the next day at school everyone was making fun of me for a month. It was so embarrassing. The thing that pissed me off the most about it was the fact that half of the school vapes and no one made fun of them. I never told my counselor about it and she thought I was doing good enough to end her being my counselor. That is when I truly noticed that I’m a really bad liar. She thought I was doing my best even though I was at my worst. The rest of the school year went okay but since I was kinda popular I started to get bullied more and more about my weight. All my best friend did was make fun of me even though he was fat too. People started to take pictures of me in class and sent to their story and me to make fun of me. I started to go to the gym and some kid would help me out With my diet and at the gym. Me and him started to become friends and he convinced me to join the football team the following school year. So I got a physical at the end of 7th grade and was determined to join the football team. I wanted to gain respect,become more confident, lose weight, become stronger,faster,etc.so at the end of the school year I became kind of happy again. My family was praising me because I would go to the gym. I wanted to lose like 30 pounds in like 2 months or something crazy like that. The start of the summer was good, i would work out a few times a week. In late June my whole dad’s side of the family pays for a week in a really good and big air b&b and it’s really fun. My best friend and I didn’t talk much during the first half of the summer and he kept trying to call me when I was swimming, fishing, talking with my whole family,etc. and I got pissed and texted him something along the lines of “can you fuck off im on vacation get off my dick.” And he left me on opened and really didn’t talk for the rest of the summer. I realized my gym partner was a dick along too and wasn’t trying to help me at all. Long story short I lost a few pounds by the start of football season. The first practices were really hard and I hated it. But by a couple weeks in I started to get more stamina and strength. By a month into footballl season my ankles were really fucked up because the only cardio I did during that summer was jog a mile or something but in practice we run so much in heavy pads and uncomfortable cleats. I was never good I was always a back up. I had practice every single day after school was so tired but couldn’t quit. My best friend who was a dick that me and him started to drift away from each other thought we were still homies the next school year and I didn’t want to tell him that we aren’t cool any more so I just acted like we were chill and then was at practice for 2 hours after school then went home and had to do homework and repeat the next day. I hated my life at this point so much. I didn’t enjoy playing football, I sucked at it and was made fun of for it, etc. towards the end of the football season I got hit really hard and went to a head doctor appointment a couple days later and had a concussion. So I basically just quit the football team. Everyone on the team called me a pussy and said I quit even when I told them I had a concussion. I would go home after school in the first time in months. I realized I was so depressed and how I have no one I can trust. There was no classes with any friends, either my class was complete assholes or weirdos. Lunch was awkward because of my “best friend” thinking we were still locked in. There was no good part of the day for me I hated the way I felt but I would lie if someone asked if I was good. At this point it was October and I was in the verge of suicide. There was no good part of the day, I go home get yelled at for my grades eat and cry myself to sleep. I realized I was going to end my life if I didn’t get out of my school. I found an online school and started to beg my parents to put me in online school. They immediately refused but after a month and half of begging they agreed.
I started the school by end November and was really happy for a couple of weeks then started to become depressed again by the end of December. Now in may im more depressed than I ever was, I’m not suicidal but I have no friends and not going to talk to my parents about what im going through . I feel so alone I have full on conversations with myself and my lying is so bad I lie to my head when I’m venting to myself. I hate myself so much that I can’t even tell the truth to my internal monologue and it’s so bad. I make the situation sound better in my head but it’s not. I think online school was a mistake but if I stayed in the school I was in I probably would have taken my own life by now. I can only think my best friend was just praying on my downfall and he won. I am moving to a new town later this summer and I’m hoping I can start a new life there and not be such a pushover. I’m sorry that this is so long and bad grammar. This is more than just low confidence and lying but I need to talk about myself. If you read this thank you