Sister brother er choda chudir golpo

this is my first time ever posting on reddit ever, but I really needed help, and what other place to go but here. so, here comes a long, long tale of what led to this. i apologize for any grammatical errors!
im a junior, in my last month of it really, and in november of 2023, my moms bf went to jail for domestic abuse resulting in bodily injury, leaving just me, my younger sister, and my mom. my mom has a heart condition that she has had since birth that makes it nearly impossible for her to walk or stay on her feet for long periods of time. last time she tried to keep a job, she got sent to the er. i had a job at this time, have been working since i was 15, but never enough or for enough a week to support a family. this left me being the sole breadwinner of the family, other than the sporadic child support payments (neither my sister or i have the same dad, and neither ever pay on time). in order to maximize how much i could bring in, i dropped into online school, rather than public school. i was working full time and was beyond stressed trying to make all the ends meet. i eventually gave up on the online to work more and to make sure nothing happened to my family.
after a month or so, which doesn't sound like long but was really a month that drained me of all energy and life, my moms bf got out of jail, and we decided to rid of the protection order so he could come back to help. this was a lot of fights again, keeping me up all night after work, but it made due.
until late january, when we got a 5 day notice to evict note on our door, claiming criminal behavior was what was evicting us. we lived in a shitty apartment in a sketchy area, but it was a home. this was heartcrushing to see. we had no car, barely any money, and no one in that area to stay with, or any plan of what to do. i just went to work for the next five days trying to ignore the inevitable. and the night before, we had to be out at 11 the next morning, after i closed, i came home with a stupid plan to my mom. we did manage to afford a uhaul to put our shit in, but that basically stripped us of our money entirely. but i thought of something while closing at work. what if we just packed the rest of the shit, and flee? flee in the scrunched uhaul.
long story short, it is what we did. our plan was make it back to michigan, where our family was. in order to do that, you have to get a different type of uhaul, as this was just a local one. and guess what? my paycheck hit perfectly. we afforded it, and got my brother (he lived in the same town, but wouldn't be able to house us and our animals, which is why i said we had no one) to shadow us. at this point, it was about 5pm, and we didn't want to make that long drive. so we planned to just go to a town about an hour and a half north that we are familiar with, and stay in a hotel for a night. and that's where we have been ever since. granted, we moved to a cheaper hotel after we realized we couldn't afford that, and it has been a struggle. between me working full time, my moms bf doing day labor gigs, financial help from our grandpa in michigan (thru phone), and the occasional 52 bucks from child support, we have killed ourselves trying to keep this hotel. but we have drained ourselves, our grandpa, and every other resource dry. we have a homeless voucher for housing, but it doesn't matter, because we cannot afford application fees and deposits. and tonight is our last paid night, and tomorrow is up in the air. which has been a constant stress and battle this entire time, running out of money and wondering how we will afford this next night.
all that aside, lets get into the actual school portion. ive missed out on school since november. i am terribly behind. ive always wanted to go to college, ive always been on my a game in school, i was in NHS, i was doing APs, and i was in the highest band of my school. all of that came crashing down in front of me, and now i have nothing left to rebuild with. it is may of my junior year, and it is looking like i wont be able to graduate next year, and that hurts me more than anyone could know. ive always, always, always put my everything into school. i had dreams and i wanted to go places. but ive been made very aware that life works in ways that go against everything you could ever want or imagine. so this is me being extremely vulnerable, but desperate. is there any way i could graduate? ideally, next year, on time. but that seems impossible. what can i do here? i feel trapped. i don't want to become a high school drop-out.

I'm almost 19(m) now. I've been in town since Saturday because I couldn't miss my sister's wedding. I started running away at 14 because I was treated different from the moment everyone found out about my sexuality. They randomly went through my phone and my browser history had my secret. I would leave for weeks and months at a time. Yes I was running off with an older boy who hid me very well. Yes I had bad mouth and attitude but I never deserved the trauma I went through. The moment they saw me at the reception my parents and my brothers hugged me. It was the coldest "welcome back" I ever felt. I haven't seen or talked to them in 3 years. My sister has a rocky relationship with them as well so she's never told them she knew where I was. I asked my mom if I could get my SS card and birth certificate to I can get an ID and finish my GED and they suggested I come back home "where I belong and need to be". I told her I wouldn't step foot into that house if it was the last one on earth. My dad apologized and begged me to stay. I didn't even tell them I'm still with the same guy. They still don't know who he is and I never want them to know. This man has beat me for "taking pictures like a girl", being a "slut"... I couldn't even catch a cold without him dragging me to the ER and literally saying "test him for AIDS"... just like that. I was hit for "smelling like a man" even though it was my OWN sweat. He confiscated everything my boyfriend bought me and even checked the back of my underwear regularly. One time there was a little stuff in it and he shoved it in my mouth and I almost passed out. Whenever I would come home he would smell my fingers, my face and check my entire body... MY ENTIRE BODY. He locked me in my room for 3 days after I ran away and I went off on him so he called 911 and got me admitted. They found drugs in my system so I had to stay there for 60 days. He told them I was possibly being groomed, trafficked, possibly had Stockholm syndrome, and an undiagnosed mental disorder. My medical records did have an inconclusive result for autism & Asperger's and two of my brothers are bipolar like him so he was really able to paint me as trouble. The only thing they could diagnose me with was manic depression or something. When I came home my door was gone... That lasted about 5 days. I "took the trash out" and didn't come back for 2 and a half years which was this weekend. They really had the nerve to tell me I'm not mentally well and I need to stay home. I think I'm fine without them

Place: Kim Seol Jin's office
???: Jin. Take care of yourself, please. Seol Jin: You worry too much, Jeonu.
Seol Jin nuzzles Jeonu as he tends to his wounds.
Seol Jin: What will I do without you?
[North Gangseo (No 10): "Vanguard" Kim Seol Jin]: LR+, LR+, B(Awakened), C, MR
[North Gangseo (Personal Executive) Ha Jeonu]: 160 cm, 48 kg; B, B+, C, A+, A
Jeonu: Hey that tickles!
Jihu watched on.
Jihu: ...
[North Gangseo (Personal Executive) Jihu Yeon}: MR+, MR+, A (Ascended), E+, X
Seol Jin: Hey Jihu. Take care of the office while we're gone ok?
Jihu: Where are you going?
Seol Jin: The zoo.
Kim Seol Jin and Ha Jeonu
At the same time...
Chin and Adrienne: Let's go to the zoo!
Chin Chaosi and Adrienne Ciel
Adrian: I sense a disturbance in the force. We must go to the zoo.
???: Sure. Why not?
Adrian Ciel and ???
???: Pack your bags loser, we're going to the zoo. Hwangyan: Oke
Hwangyan and ???
Yeon Hwa: Zoo!
Zygarde Lee, Hae-in Kim and Yeon Hwa Lee
Place: Zoo
Zygarde: You see that... Yeon: Wah... Zygarde: No its Pandaa... Yeon: Paadaa... Hae-in simply laughed within herself.
[North Gangseo (No 5): "Commander" Zygarde Lee]: XX, XX, A+ (Ascended), SS, XX [Hae-in Kim]: MR, LR+, A(Awakened), B, MR+ [Yeon Hwa Lee]: ???,???, S,???,???
Adrienne: That looks like you.
She pointed at a monkey which was eating its shit.
Chin: No that's your brother.
Adrienne Ciel: ???, ???, A, A, ??? [North Gangseo (No 11): "Mad Dog" Chin Chaosi]: LR, MR, B+(Ascended), S, UR+
Unbeknownst to them, Adrian was watching them from a short distance away.
Adrian (stressed): That. Mother. Fucker. ???: Chill man. Look at that monkey, it's upside down. Adrian: Oh. Yeah. ???: Siscon.
Adrian could say nothing.
[North Gangseo (No. 2): "Genius" Adrian Ciel]: XX, XXX, A+ (Ascended), S, XX [North Gangseo (No 3) "Business Man" Mangu Yeong]: XX, XXX, A+ (Ascended), S+, X
A short while later...
Someone bumped into Seol Jin's leg.
Jeonu: Woah there. Hae-in: Yeon Hwa! I'm sorry. She's a slippery one. Jeonu: Oh it's fine. Seol Jin: Where have I seen those eyes before... Zygarde: Oh. Seol Jin: That's right it was Zy-
Seol Jin looked at the trio.
Seol Jin: No way. Are you serious?! Zygarde: Erm- Seol Jin: You're the last person I expected- Jeonu: Wait the person who helped us save Adrian's sister was her? Hae-in: Y-yeah. Jeonu: That's so cool... Zygarde: And I didn't expect you were gay... Seol Jin: Are we gonna have a problem? Jeonu: Jin!
[North Gangseo (No 10): "Vanguard" Kim Seol Jin] vs-
Zygarde: Nah. Enjoy your date.
Winner: Handshake
Seol Jin: Oh. Sure.
Seol Jin and Jeonu held hands as they walked away. Yeon was sucking on her thumb.
Yeon: Bye!
Seol Jin and Jeonu: Bye!
Hae-in (whispering): Cute couple. Zygarde (whispering): As long as he's happy, I don't see why I should say anything.
Around the same time...
???: I understand why you're here... But why you Mangu? Mangu: I was bored. Keoni.
[North Gangseo: Keoni]: SS-, S+, S, A+, A [North Gangseo (No. 1): "Emperor" Hwangyan]: XXX, XX, S(Ascended), A, XXX
Keoni: Since we're all here we should enjoy it together! Adrian: Er- Mangu: This siscon came here to spy. Keoni: You're still doing that? Adrian: You can never be sure!
???: Sure of what?
Adrian: You?! Adrienne: Siscon. Chin: Adrian?!
[North Gangseo (No. 2): "Genius" Adrian Ciel] vs [North Gangseo (No 11): "Mad Dog" Chin Chaosi]
[North Gangseo (No. 2): "Genius" Adrian Ciel]: XX, XXX, A+ (Ascended), S, XX
[North Gangseo (No 11): "Mad Dog" Chin Chaosi]: LR, MR, B+(Ascended), S, UR
Winner: Adrienne
Adrienne twisted the boys' ears.
Adrienne: No fighting.
Adrienne began scolding the duo, much to everyone's amusement
[Group A] ^new!
Chin Chaosi and Adrienne Ciel
Adrian Ciel and Mangu Yeong
Hwangyan and Keoni
[Group B] ^new!
Kim Seol Jin and Ha Jeonu
[Group C] ^new!
Zygarde Lee, Hae-in Kim and Yeon Hwa Lee
Meanwhile...
Place: Gogang-dong
[North Gangseo (No 6): "The Scourge" Kai Jin Ma]: X, X, A(Ascended), B+, X
[North Gangseo (No 7): "Swordsman" William Texiter]: X, XX, S (Ascended), A, X
Winner: Tie
A duo lay on the floor exhausted.
Kai: Fucking bastard... You've gotten faster...
William: You too...
???: Our seniors are strong...
[North Gangseo (No. 16): Won Hakjun]: 174 cm, 60 kg; SSR, SR, B (Awakened), B, SR [North Gangseo (No 18): Taekbeom Gu]: 181 cm, 61 kg; SR+, SR+, B (Awakened), A+, SSS+
Place: Zoo
Lunch...
Hwangyan: Seol Jin?!
Kim Seol Jin and Ha Jeonu
Adrienne: The Kali Arnis lady?!
Zygarde Lee, Hae-in Kim and Yeon Hwa Lee
Zygarde: Now I would like to start by saying- Keoni: You're the last person I expected- Seol Jin: I already said that. Keoni: F- Bummer Yeon: Bwummer. Hwangyan: She can talk?! Hae-in: She's 2.
Seol Jin cautiously approached Yeon.
Seol Jin: They look like marshmallows... Yeon (enraged): Gooo... Seol Jin: W-what?
Seol Jin tried touching her cheeks but was blocked by Yeon's hands.
Adrian didn't say anything. He only imagined Adrienne and Chin becoming like Hae-in and Zygarde. A tear rolled down his face.
The next day...
Zygarde: Evan?
Evan: I'm disappointed... How could you not show me her!
Evan scrolled through Zygarde's photos. He saw many pictures of the toddler.
Evan: It's good she never took after you! Zygarde: Bastard.

42, male. 5'11, 200lbs. Healthy aside from topic issue...
My mother was recently diagnosed with CHF ontop of her Chrones, COPD, severe RLS and diver..cu..tic..u...something, lol. So over the last year, year and a half have been pretty rough on all of us. My brother and I basically take turns waiting on her, helping her. My brother can only do normal stuff for her like cook food, run around the house to grab things when she needs it, moves her back and forth from her room to kitchen as it's too much work for her with her Oxygen. He can't do anything that would involve leaving the house as he has Narcolepsy with Catoplexy. He has been a godsend for my mom regardless.
So when he sleeps, I basically do all the above mentioned..not to mention raise my kiddos, run errands for myself, son, brother, mother and my sister who lives across town. I have to fix the vehicles, do the shopping, the yard, plumbing, etc etc etc. So i spend a lot of time on my feet.
And here comes the issue... When I do sleep, it's usually for 4ish hours and I almost -never- sleep lying down. It's almost always sitting up in my chair. And that causes my legs to swell. Especially my right leg. Over time they turn red and get somewhat painful. Recently my left leg was rather swollen and I noticed I was getting large leaking sores. The sores were in areas that I had previously injured. And by injured I mean bumped my leg slightly and that turns into an open wound. And then it started to hurt so bad I ended up in the ER. Trust me when I say that was insanely hard to do. Anyway....
Er was super busy when I showed up. After checking in, nurse called me to tirage me and I was never sent back to waiting room. I was in a room 5 minutes after I got there. They had me drink that contrast stuff and scanned my leg. The big issue was when a female specialist could not get a pulse from that leg. She had multiple other people attempt it.
And then I got the text. My ex-wife couldn't come to grab kiddos while I was in ER. So that would mean my brother would have to deal with way more than he was equipped for. He is NOT kid-patient. So after refusing pain meds for the 30th time, I was finally able to speak to the actual on-call ER doc. He basically dressed me down for waiting so long. Said he'd bet his degree that had another day passed, I'd be without a leg, maybe two. I just took that as his way of saying it was bad. I didn't actually think he was serious. I then explained my situation and why I couldn't stay much longer.
I thought he was about to raise hands with me. The look of...I don't know, digust maybe, was kinda hurtful. He asked if I heard what he just said. And then just huffed and turned around and walked back to the nurses station and was saying a lot but not quite loud enough to hear, probably for the best.
He then storms by me with some folders in his hand and says "Get your head checked if you think im letting you AMA!". I asked the nurse if he was serious and she said yeah, he thinks maybe you can't understand how serious this is. I explained to her that I was aware that by leaving prior to any treatment, I may lose my leg. She corrected me by saying "when you lose it". At this point I was kinda annoyed at the certainty of this while on the flip side, wanted to cry as outside of my mother, no one has ever given this much of a shit about me.
I told the nurse I would see what I could do to get some help for my kiddos and I did but with no luck. She seemed afraid to tell doc this and I told her not to say anything, I'd tell him myself. And he basically insinuated I must be on drugs. Because I guess my situation was impossible? Or made up? Or exaggerated? I don't know.
He really said was something along the lines of all he had to do was talk to the hospitaller(huh?) and have me legally held there. I showed him the texts from my ex-wife, my texts asking other people for some kind of help, etc. He asked if I could literally come back every day for an hour or two for some IV meds and I agreed.
Haven't been back since. Leg healed fine.
I know this was a lot to take in and probably hard to follow, so I apologize. Mothers day and all that so been busy. Sister is over here so I have some time, lol.
The kicker to the story, I was never told what was wrong with my leg. I'm assuming it's what I mentioned earlier.
Was his reaction typical? Out of line? Was I out of line? It's been a few months and I still think about it often and never know how to feel, lol. Thoughts?

In memory of Leslie Shay
10 years ago, on May 13, 2014, Leslie Shay (played by Lauren German), the fan-favorite character of the NBC studio's series Chicago Fire, died in the finale of the second season. True, viewers only learned about this when the third season started. The death of the character was followed by an uproar from the audience, the popularity of the series (which had been on the rise until then) and the number of viewers decreased, because many people stopped watching the series due to Shay's death, including the author of this post (I reached the end of the third season). Due to the anniversary, I started researching on the Internet to better understand why Shay's character was destined for this fate, and using quite a few references and also abundant with spoilers, I will share with everyone what I came up with in this post. I will also write my own opinion.
(I apologize for any grammatical errors, I did not write the post in English and I created the English version with the help of Google Translate)
Shay's character probably doesn't need to be introduced to anyone, but if you do, this link nicely summarizes why everyone loved her so much.
https://screenrant.com/chicago-fire-leslie-shay-lauren-german-best-traits-facts-trivia/
When I started researching the topic, I read that despite the fact that Chicago Fire is already in its 13th season, Shay remains one of the most loved and most missed characters to this day. However, later, when I wrote the post, I could not find the source again, if anyone can send a link to this topic, please do so.
It is clear that if the series loses such a popular character, it will have an impact and will shake the viewers. Well, it turns out, more than anything in the show's 13 seasons. I found a lot of sources to prove this:
1)
People's Choice Awards, USA, 2015 / Favorite TV Character We Miss Most
In the above category, Shay made it to the top 5, which no one else did later.
https://www.imdb.com/event/ev0000530/2015/1?ref_=nmawd_ev_1
2)
Most shocking TV deaths of all time
https://tvline.com/lists/shocking-tv-deaths/leslie-shay-chicago-fire/
Shay is also included in the top 100 list above, as well as two other characters from the entire One Chicago franchise, Elias Koteas as Alvin Olinsky and Yuri Sardarov as Otis. Thus, Shay was on a list with the likes of Teri Bauer (24), Lance Sweets (Bones), Bobby Ewing (Dallas) or Ned Stark (GoT)
3)
And this is what ChatGPT answered when it was asked which of the characters in Chicago Fire had the most heartbreaking death (short quote from the answer):
"The most heartbreaking character death was definitely Leslie Shay. Oh, it was gut-wrenching! Shay, played by the incredibly talented Lauren German, was such a beloved and integral member of Firehouse 51....."
https://onechicagocenter.com/2023/07/24/heartbreaking-chicago-fire-death-according-ai-not-otisi/
4)
If I use the Google Search service, the answer to this search will also be Shay:
Question: "chicago fire most heartbreaking death"
Answer: "Leslie Shay died in a fire"
Searching the internet, it became clear to me that it wasn't just Shay's death that shocked viewers, but also the fact that the show's creators made the decision to get rid of Shay's character. This decision raised many questions and problems, which I will go through below. There are a lot of posts and articles on the internet about why Lauren German left the series, but in fact they were all based on a single, otherwise amazingly short interview that was made with Matt Olmstead. I found this at this link:
https://tvline.com/interviews/lauren-german-leaving-chicago-fire-shay-killed-off-549958/
If anyone has seen or read other interviews or other information, please share them.
I read a lot of comments under the link above, and I would like to thank everyone for expressing their opinions there. I read a lot of things in the comments that I didn't even think of at first, but it's good that they brought them to my attention, because I completely agreed with them.

1. The creators of the series killed off the third female character in 2 seasons, who was also one of the main characters.
2. Killing a character directly just for the sake of dramatic effect is already quite a boring solution
3. Olmstead praised Lauren German's talent a lot in the interview, but then why didn't the producers try to keep the actress?
4. Olmstead stated that there will be no flashbacks involving Shay. But in the first episode there were 4 (from Severide, Dawson and Boden)
5. The LGBT community also received a slap in the face, as an openly lesbian character was killed off. This is also a solution that has been seen many times and is boring.
6. Shay and Severide's relationship was one of the prominent aspects of the series, which made it worth watching, in fact, according to many, it was such a novel and well-constructed thread that the creators of the series were praised for this. After Shay's death, without the dynamism of their relationship, the series became boring.
7. Opinions also suggested that perhaps the goal was to attract the right target audience with Shay's lesbian character, but they no longer wanted to retain this group of viewers, so it was a harsh decision made from a business point of view by the creators
8. Olmstead defended the decision by saying that they could bring more and more storylines into the series, while without Shay's character, the exact opposite was true.
9. He also claimed that all the characters were assessed on equal footing when the decision was made. In comparison, they immediately replaced Shay with a new character who looked like her, was not a lesbian like Shay, and was 10 years younger. Because Lauren German was born in 1978, Kara Killmer in 1988. The message of this change was extremely bad in the eyes of the viewers
10. There was a commenter who suggested that the change was made so that the new character could be romantically involved with one of the male characters, and this actually happened during the third season when Brett and Cruz got together
11. If the purpose of Shay's death was to show how unpredictable life is, they should have paid much more attention to the details. The first part of the third season is full of mistakes and unrealistic solutions
12. It is strange that the interview only mentions in a few sentences what Lauren said to the fact that the creators of the series essentially fired her. In connection with this, it occurred to me that something else could have been behind the decision, which was never made public, but of course this is just a hunch.
13. As far as I know, Lauren German was the only main character in the history of Chicago Fire who did not leave the series by her own decision

There were many other strange things about Shay's death that could be found by searching the internet. I will also go through these in order.
A)
Let's return briefly to the fact that the popularity of the series decreased during the third season. This can be checked here
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicago_(franchise))
Based on this, it can be definitely stated that whoever made this decision, for whatever reason, caused damage to the series.
The data:
First season, ranking 51, number of viewers 7.78M
Second season, ranking 31, number of viewers 9.70M
Third season, ranking 47, number of viewers 9.65M
The first season brought good numbers, and it can be seen from the data that its popularity increased for the next season. However, the ranking of the series dropped almost to the initial level by the third season, and although the number of viewers did not decrease so significantly, the reason for this is probably that, in addition to the viewers who left, there were still those who only joined at that time. Another interesting fact is that the third season is the only one where Dick Wolf is mentioned as showrunner. It is possible that during the third season he wanted to be more involved in the development of the story, and it was his decision to pull something unexpected in the series, so Shay's death is due to him. Here is a show-like interview with the whole team, in which I found it strange that Dick Wolf was given the central place on the stage.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2tCrma7t5o&t=2s
It was as if they suggested that he was the most important person. It can be imagined that he always had the final say in making decisions. As a counter-example, I saw an interview with the actors of The Avengers, where one of the directors was present, and the Russo brother remained nicely in the background, since everyone was interested in the actors, Iron Man, and Thor, etc. However, this was not the case in this interview. Obviously, I'm not a behavioral researcher, so I can't draw important conclusions from a single interview.
Of course, it is also easy to imagine that the writing team made an independent decision, but did not count on how much the omission of Shay's character would turn fans away from the series. Thus, Dick Wolf was the savior when he was forced to intervene personally in shaping the story to mitigate the damage. Of course, it is also possible that these events and what I wrote about the video above have absolutely nothing to do with each other.
B)
It's also strange how many storylines with negative outcomes were connected to Shay's character during the first 2 seasons. She was seriously injured several times (the ambulance accident in the first season, the hospital bombing in the second season), and she went through several crises in her personal life. Her first love, Clarice, left her, and months later she broke Shay's heart a second time. Devon tricked and robbed her. When Severide and Shay wanted a baby, she failed to conceive. A patient of her, Daryl, whom she sympathized with, committed suicide in front of her eyes, and Shay also fell into depression after that, while her paramedic partner and friend, Dawson, did not care about Shay's mental breakdown at all. During the two seasons, she was almost hit by a car, almost shot, stabbed with a syringe, which could have been contagious, and there must have been other cases that I left out of the list. Then came the third season, where basically the firefighters who were inside a huge explosion were not hurt at all, while Shay, who was on the ground floor of the building, died in this explosion. On the part of the writers, this amount of negativism was perhaps already excessive and quite unrealistic (like the case of Doctor Romano in ER, who was hit by the helicopter). It's like the creators didn't really like the character, or didn't want to do anything with her other than build viewers' empathy / sympathy for Shay so they could switch it to a dramatic twist when the time was right. But that's the opposite of good storytelling in my view. My opinion is that the reason for Shay's popularity is not to be found in the "grateful" storylines written for her, because we will find it only and exclusively in the fantastic performance of Lauren German
C)
It's very strange that Leslie Shay was a main character in the first 2 seasons, but if you look at the Instagram page of the series (more specifically, the entire One Chicago franchise), you can see that Shay's character received very little attention.
https://www.instagram.com/nbconechicago/
At the time of writing this post, there were 3588 posts on the site. I took the trouble to check if my hunch was right and scrolled through to the posts about the first 3 seasons.
Number of pictures where Shay is clearly visible among many people in a group picture: 15
Number of photos where Shay is with 1-2 other people: 27
Number of photos featuring only Shay: 6
Yes, I didn't write a bad number, among 3588 pictures a total of 6 individual photos were given to one of the main characters of the first 2 seasons of the series, perhaps the most popular character of the series to date. Although Lauren German is a famously reclusive actress, she even has more selfies on her Instagram than that
D)
It's also very strange that in the third season they introduced a storyline that says Shay's death was caused by arson. Unfortunately, the execution of all this was extremely clumsy and illogical for me. It was already revealed during the first 2 seasons that Shay's parents are divorced, they live in two separate cities, and that she has no sisters. You could tell this from the fact that when Severide and Shay talked about who would take care of their baby if something happened to both of them, Dawson's name immediately came up. It's illogical that Shay wouldn't have said her sister. In fact, the whole thread felt more like a readjusting to placate fans who would channel their frustration and anger over Shay's death onto the arsonist in the story - instead of the show's writers.
E)
It occurred to me that maybe Lauren's relationship with her colleagues was not good, and for the sake of peace, the creators got rid of the character. This suggestion is probably the furthest from reality, I have a lot of hits that prove that Lauren maintained a very good relationship with her co-stars even later. Here are some examples of this
Trees R fun
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-rn0w-CTv-0
Shayveride back together
https://twitter.com/TaylorKinneyARG/status/1128137229577216000
S03 E14
https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/2814818493493352/
https://hu.pinterest.com/pin/630785491553579592/
From Lauren's Insta
https://www.instagram.com/p/BlRQVXqgxqP/
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWZMBislmnE/
https://www.instagram.com/p/_50dHgFijd/
https://chicago.suntimes.com/2014/10/15/18477177/chicago-fire-if-anyone-can-saveseveride-it-s-casey
In real life, Kinney is grieving the loss of his costar, too.
"I miss her like crazy," he said about Lauren German. "She was a great scene partner. Great actor. Someone to work with and someone to confide in. It was an honest relationship. We hung out off the stages, too. I didn’t take that too easy.”
F)
It's also interesting that I've been able to find almost nothing online about what Lauren thought about what happened to Leslie Shay's character. What we do know from Matt Olmstead's interview is that she joked that she wasn’t going to miss the Chicago winters (she’s a California girl). Other than that, this is the only reaction from Lauren that can still be found, it's completely professional and polite, and perhaps it's no coincidence that she thanked the fans the most for their support
https://cartermatt.com/133627/chicago-fire-season-3-lauren-german-speaks-shay-premiere-shocke
"Hello beautiful people! I want to say thank you to NBC, Dick Wolf and the entire team for letting me be a part of such an amazing experience. I have to say I've never been around a more gifted, special, heartfelt, funny and loving cast and crew as with the CF gang. The show gave me so many priceless gifts. I'm forever grateful. I mostly want to thank the fans for their support and love on this journey. You all are so beautiful. It was a great honor to portray Shay. I love her: her spirit, her flaws, her honesty. And most of all she brought me the most genuine & meaningful interactions with you all, the fans, & my heart swells with gratitude. Thank you, thank you! So much love to you all.”
F) UPDATE
I just found this article, which for some reason didn't come up amongst the search results for the past few weeks.
https://chicago.suntimes.com/2016/1/22/18408021/chicago-fire-alum-lauren-german-having-devilishly-good-time-on-lucifer
In this article, Lauren told a sweet story that I believe happened during the filming of the pilot episode of Lucifer:
Given her time on “Chicago Fire,” guest starring on “Chicago P.D.” and now on “Lucifer,” has German changed the way she reads about or watches crime stories in the news?
“I think so, but mainly I think my experiences have made me have even more respect for first responders than I did before I went to Chicago. Sure, I always respected them and paid attention when I’d see a fire truck going by or hear about the cops getting the bad guy.
“But after the training we went through with the firemen and paramedics in Chicago — plus now having worked with homicide detectives to prepare for ‘Lucifer’ — I can’t tell you how much I respect these guys and women.”
German found herself the butt of a few jokes during the filming of a huge scene in Los Angeles near the Dolby Theatre — the site of the annual Oscars show.
“There were helicopters flying overhead, there was all this commotion, but we also had real firemen there. It wasn’t too long after I left ‘Chicago Fire,’ so they were yelling at me, ‘You went to the dark side!’ They were really kidding me about going from playing a paramedic to playing detective.
“Of course the cops on the scene were yelling just the opposite — telling me, ‘No! You’ve come to the bright side!’ I loved that, because that’s the fun friendly competition between the firemen and police officers. It’s kind of like Army vs. Navy.
“But of course, at the end of the day, everyone’s on the same team. These people are my heroes.”
In addition, she also talked about her previous work here, based on which it can be stated that the rumors that she wanted to quit are completely unfounded (I considered this suggestion so unfounded that I didn't even include it in my post). She also confirmed what was also discussed in point E).
German did admit she misses “the whole Chicago crew I worked with — and the wonderful fans in Chicago too. Everyone in your town is so great.”
The actress said she considers co-star Monica Raymund “my best girlfriend” and also keeps up with fellow “Chicago Fire” castmates Taylor Kinney and Jesse Spencer “quite a bit.”
“In fact just the other day, Monica asked me that after I wrap [the initial 13 episodes of] ‘Lucifer’ to come over [to Chicago] for a few days and hang out with those guys. So I may do that around the end of February.”
If so, it’s likely German and her “Chicago Fire” pals will make a beeline to the Palm restaurant on East Wacker Drive.
“Taylor and Jesse and I lived in the same building [on the New East Side], and we’d go to the Palm like three times a week. It was so cozy there. We even had our own regular little booth!”
End of update
In regards to the oddities above, I can even imagine that Lauren's agent or agents had a hard time agreeing on a possible contract extension, and because of this, the creators preferred to get rid of the character of Shay. If that was the case, we will never know. However, if the decision-making really took place in the way and according to the criteria as stated in the Matt Olmstead interview, then it can be seen in retrospect that this was an extremely bad decision by the studio and that the writing team made a huge mistake
I am slowly coming to the end of my research, but before that I would like to discuss the mistakes that the writers made in the first part of the third season - perhaps these mistakes could indicate that they were very hasty during the implementation, or that they did not think through at all how to put together such an episode well. When an average viewer saw this episode for the first time, the shock was guaranteed by it (believe me, it HITS HARD), in this way the creators achieved their goal, but it was enough later to think about what happened, and the shock was already replaced by completely legitimate indignation of the viewing public.
Regarding the mistakes, for the sake of fairness, I also have to say that I consider 4 things to be extremely outstanding from the first 2 seasons of the series:
1)
The visual implementation of the series was amazingly fantastic, as if you were watching a 45-minute movie, and it still stands today. I don't know if this changed after the third season, but I assume not, since the series is still active today
2)
Atli Örvarsson's music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ABsDFMJr2E&list=PLXT2pBWM8DxfN4znwe3esSqg4LtBzlQz8
3)
The actors Jesse Spencer, Taylor Kinney, Monica Raymund, Lauren German, Charlie Barnett, David Eigenberg, Eamonn Walker, Joe Minoso, Yuriy Sardarov, Christian Stolte were all fantastic in their roles
4)
The writers did something really brilliant when they built Severide and Shay's relationship. The way these two people moved mountains just out of love as a friend to help the other was simply wonderful. The relationship between the two of them was central to the show, which is why it was so painful and infuriating at the same time that the writers didn't think it was important enough to keep it going after 2 seasons. So I didn't consider the series important enough to continue watching after the third season either, or to start anything else from the One Chicago group.
Mistakes in S03 E01:
Devon's character:

• In the last 2 episodes of the second season, it was revealed that Devon might not be as a bad person as we thought. The writers hinted at the possibility that maybe Shay could finally find her happiness with her. Whether Devon had really changed, whether she was telling the truth, was never revealed after Shay's death.

Shay's death:

• Why didn't the paramedics wear helmets when they entered a potentially dangerous building? In other episodes, the characters paid attention to this, but here they generously forgot about it
• During the first flashback, we saw that they started to treat an injured person. When the explosion occurred and Shay was lying on the ground, the injured person was disappeared.
• The firefighter (played by Preston James Hillier) who ran into the building before the explosion also disappeared
• In the flashback, we saw that Dawson was thrown backwards by the shock wave of the explosion before the ceiling collapsed. Shay, on the other hand, sat still, unaffected by the shock wave
• The firefighting team was in the middle of the explosion, the only injury in comparison was a broken leg. Andy Darden died instantly in the Pilot episode, according to the script, when a house fire started in a similar way.
• Shay's CPR was interrupted to take her to the ambulance. At the same time, the one who could have taken care of her was Dawson, who was next to her, and Shay herself, maybe even Mills, who had a broken leg. So why was it important to take Shay to the ambulance, if not because it gave the scene a dramatic, albeit illogical, ending?
• Several people (e.g. Cruz, Otis) in the episode did not behave like those who recently lost a friend, and this could not be the fault of the actors, but rather of the script. The situation was similarly strange in the Pilot episode after Darden's death
• Shay said that she has a good relationship with her parents, so it's very strange that they didn't apply for Shay's things, but Casey and Severide collected them a month and a half after Shay's death. Not to mention the later invented sister
• When Severide looked at a photo of Shay before playing the video, it can be seen that the creators did not bother to take a real photo, but instead used a screenshot from the first season.
• It's quite unlikely that Dawson would pick up a diary a month and a half later that still had Shay's signature on it, and the signatures were completely different

Again, in the interest of fairness, Severide's flashbacks, Severide and Shay's video were flawless. Just like the gesture of putting Shay's name on the ambulance door in the middle of the season was a great idea from the writers
Final thoughts:
This is how far I've come in my research. Unfortunately, I didn't find any reassuring answers, only strange things. If there was something else in the background why Shay's character had to die, it will probably never be revealed. If the whole truth was told in the Matt Olmstead interview, then in my opinion the creators of Chicago Fire made the biggest mistake of their lives by firing Lauren and letting the Shayveride friendship vanish. Plus, Leslie Shay's character didn't deserve such fate. Anyway, the first 2 seasons were a fantastic experience for me.
Although Lauren couldn't have known it at the time, she was doing very well, because after being unemployed, she auditioned for the role of Chloe Decker in the series Lucifer. Here she joined the team that involved Tom Ellis, Kevin Alejandro, D.B. Woodside, Lesley-Ann Brandt, Rachael Harris, Scarlett Estevez, and later Aimee Garcia, Tricia Helfer, Tom Welling, Inbar Lavi, Rebecca De Mornay, Dennis Haysbert and Brianna Hildebrand. The rest, as they say, is history. Lucifer was the biggest series of 2021 by racking a whopping 18.3 billion minutes of streaming across the year making the series the most-streamed show not just on Netflix, but among the entire crop of streaming originals. Lucifer was voted the best fantasy series of 2021 also, and Lauren German became very, very worldwide-famous.
https://netflixlife.com/2022/01/26/lucifer-best-netflix-show-2021/
After Lucifer ended, Lauren retired from acting, making her last appearance in November 2023 at an event in Chicago, the Heaven and Hell Convention. Here, of course, she was hilarious again, or to put it stylistically, funny as hell, and she simply proved why she was the actress who played Leslie Shay back then
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um_hcX4FkfM
https://www.instagram.com/p/CzHxlcMqM3
Here are a few links at the end
My favorite fan video commemorating the Shayveride friendship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjS1LmJgCIo
Others have written their opinions before me on the Leslie Shay topic, e.g. a great post
https://www.thetvaddict.com/2014/09/29/did-chicago-fire-kill-off-the-wrong-characte
A little fun
https://www.tiktok.com/@chicagofires/video/7255400196711107886
Still a little fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vZOsrSHql0
Thank you for reading through!
PJ
(this post is free to use and redistribute, but please at least credit the source! Thanks)
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"Wade! Good to see you back buddy!" Nathan said aloud as he and F approached Wade and Tina, the two breaking their embrace before looking to their friends.
Wade chuckled a bit as he responded to Nathan's greeting, Tina giving a pleasant smile as she stood behind him. "Same to you, man. How're things here?"
"Better than any words I could use for the situation!" Looking behind him, he gazed at a group of the worker drones that were rescued from the factory, having been brought aboard in order to transport them to a safer location. Their faces were of varied gratefulness and smiles as they made conversation with some of the troops onboard. "The rescue-ees are happy to be out of that place, far as I can tell!"
"They sure look like it." Wade said with a pleased smile, admiring the success of his and the Coalition's efforts as Nathan's friend Kurtis came over to the four.
Catching sight of Tina, the veteran drone gave a sly look as he correctly guessed the identity of Wade's accomplice. "Oh, and I see you found your girl you were telling me about."
The drone in question gave a blush of embarrassment as Wade held her hand, chuckling smugly as he introduced Tina. "Ah, yeah. Nathan, Kurtis, F, this is my girlfriend Tina. She's one of the best pilots I've met and known in my life, along with her sister Jasmine."
Tina's blush intensified heavily at Wade's words, a laugh breaching her mouth as she spoke to Wade's colleagues. "Well, I don't like to boast, but my sister and I DID fly for the military a while back."
Nathan and Kurtis gave impressed laughs as F chuckled at the amusing meeting, the former of the duo speaking as he shook Tina's hand. "Heh, well it's a proud pleasure to meet you, Miss Tina! You've got quite the partner with you, I'd say. He helped save F and Gerard from an accident during our time on Ceres."
Tina raised a hand to her mouth in shock as she looked to Wade, surprised by the news of his heroics at his new job before chuckling. "Well, it's not too surprising, I'd probably be dead if he didn't come in to help us." Remembering that F was involved in her rescue too, she glanced to the disassembly drone before quietly adding, "You too, darling."
F gave a thankful smile at the pilot drone as Wade spoke up on Tina's statement on her rescue. "Well, I'd also be done for if you didn't save me back there, with that disassembly drone squad." Tina nodded as Nathan looked to the drone couple in surprise at their stated feat.
"More of them? How many? Three? Fo-" The miner drone asked as Wade answered him mid-sentence.
"Three, and they put up a nasty fight. One almost got me before Tina shot at her with one of those guns these militia guys brought. A trooper must've dropped it during the fighting." Nathan gave an uncomfortable look of shock as Wade added, "One of them looked kinda like you too."
Tina pulled out her gun before holding it at attention, Nathan nodding in admiration of her efforts as she spoke up. "Think I could keep this one? We pilots usually carry sidearms like these, but I lost mine when they kidnapped me aboard the station in orbit."
Nathan and Kurtis looked to each other before nodding in agreement. "Sure, gonna need a holster though. Wouldn't want it to fall out that nice coat there, would we?" While Nathan gave his answer, Kurtis was already heading to the storage bays at the back of the ship, planning on grabbing the sizable holster wrap for Tina's weapon.
"Of course." Tina replied as Kurtis grabbed the desired gear, shutting the cargo door as he returned to the group. Taking the holster in her hand, she handed the pistol to Wade before speaking in between her efforts to attach the holster to her upper leg. "Thanks for the compliment, by the way."
"Don't mention it." Nathan replied back as F stepped up in between the group, wanting to add her own praise as the group looked to her.
"Glad to see so many together in arms here, especially when it's work colleagues like the boys here." Looking to Tina, she continued. "And Nathan's right, Miss Tina. Your partner is quite the guy, I'm a little surprised he didn't join the service. Him and his brother would've made great men if they fought in the ranks."
The positive air was quickly shattered upon the mention of Ron. Nathan, Wade, and the others all looked to F as her eyes became golden rings, the warrior drone realizing her mistake too late as she began to raise a hand to her face.
"...Yeah. Yes, we sure would have." Wade said solemnly, nodding lightly with a slight smile in his attempt to lighten the comment and, in turn, the mood. His smile faltered once again as he saw the others still frowning in sorrow, Wade joining them shortly after before remembering something. "Uh... Nathan? You did bring his body back here, right?"
Nathan nodded hesitantly as he glanced to the cargo bays at the back of the ship. "Yeah, I uh... We put him near the others we managed to recover before we left."
Tina listened with concerned eyes as she held tightly onto Wade's hand, the former worker drone tightening his own grip while speaking further to Nathan. "Good. Maybe, after this is all over, we can... Make preparations for a service. Ron deserves that at the least."
"So... h-he's in one of... those?" Tina asked dreadfully, observing the body bags lying next to each other in front of one of the cargo bay doors before looking back to Nathan, who looked down at the floor before replying.
"...Yep." Initially, Tina started to move, morbidly concerned over Ron's exact fate before stopping herself, still holding Wade's hand as she stood next to him again. Catching a glimpse of her attempt to see Ron, Nathan raised a digital eyebrow at her. "You, uh... want to see him?"
Wade looked down to Tina, who returned the gesture as they pondered over the uncomforting idea. She admittedly didn't want to see Ron, fearful of seeing what was left of him after that battle, but in a twisted way, knowing Wade wouldn't lie to her about a close relative like Ron being dead, she desperately felt the need for even the slightest sense of closure.
Looking to each other, Tina finally built her strength up, giving the faintest nod to Wade as her answer. Accepting her willingness, Wade slowly looked to Nathan, who needed no further gestures or words as he slowly walked over to the body bags, Wade, Tina, and their colleagues in tow. Upon reaching the bags, Nathan knelt down as his friends stopped behind him, Wade and Tina watching as he slowly unzipped the bag open. Despite her effort to be brave, Tina couldn't help but let out a horrified gasp upon seeing Ron's body, immediately noticing the large wound with dark, dried blood at his chest.
Nathan shook his head in dismay as he looked upon the sight of his fallen friend in the flayed bag. "It was when we made our second attempt in raiding the factory back there. We... We managed to pass through most of the halls without much trouble, but... we we're ambushed as we got close to the conversion room."
"G, the disassembly drone that helped the company abduct me, attacked us, along with several other troopers he brought with him." Wade added, him and Tina holding each other tightly as he continued. "We fought them off well enough, but G got an upper hand on me. He almost killed me, but.... Ron got in the way." Tina felt herself beginning to cry as she collapsed into Wade's chest, the former worker drone embracing her ever more tightly as she wept for their friend.
F shook her head in dismay, disappointed in herself as she spoke up. "I could've saved him, if I hadn't let myself get beat down like that. I-"
"F!" Wade said sternly, F ceasing her self-degrading as he tried to ease her guilt. "We did the best we could. If anything, it could've gone a lot worse."
Kurtis patted F on her back as he spoke up on his co-worker. "He was a good man, tried to bring out the best in people. Taught Wade that ideal well, too." He looked to Wade with a smile, the drone taking the compliment with the same gesture as he lightly patted Tina on her back too.
"*sniff* Y-Yes... He d-did try to make life brighter with his actions." Tina croaked as she slowly lifted her head up off of Wade, wiping the digital drops off her face as she added, "He... Him and Wade did well to so many with their farm they had back home, Jasmine and I helped transport their harvests all across the colonies."
The group gave looks and nods of admiration at the labor Tina described, Wade nodding in affirmation as he added, "Yeah, we held that place up for a long while. But if it weren't for the recent storms that ran through this place, we probably would still be farming." He began to chuckle slightly as he noted the events after the storm. "Heh, then again, we probably wouldn't have gone to Ceres if that was the case. So, I'm quite glad life changed our course on that endeavor."
Nathan was about to speak on the matter, but was stopped as Kelly walked out of the cockpit area, speaking to Wade specifically. "Mr. Wade? Our operative and her boss wants to see you and some of your team, says it's about the trouble you and the others went through."
Wade and Tina looked to each other with raised eyebrows before looking to their friends, F raising a hand as she spoke to the couple. "Well, you heard her. Let's get up there." Looking to Nathan, she motioned for him to follow her before glancing to Kurtis, who nodded to her before kneeling down to seal Ron's body bag.
Turning back to Wade and Tina, F smirked at them as they quickly made their way up to the small bridge of the ship, Tina speaking to Wade about the interior and where to go. "I do remember these ships a bit, now that I think about it. There should be a smaller room at the top above us. Come on."
Holding her hand, Wade and Tina made their way into the cockpit, F and Nathan close behind as the four walked up the small steps to the pilot seats. Right next to the ascending steps were another set of such steps, albeit going the other way into another room as Tina mentioned. The lover drones walked up the second set of steps as they entered the room, catching the sound of a conversation in their ears.
"Yeah Tess, they did a number on the security forces from what I've been told by Mr. Kurtis. He seems quite pro-" J stopped as she heard a startled gasp coming from the entrance near the cockpit, spotting her requested visitors as they took notice of her.
Wade, however, was immediately in shock, Tina also spooked by the familiar face as her love drew a sword before holding it out defensively. F and Nathan looked to the two in surprise as the former raised her arms slightly as to calm down Wade, knowing this J wasn't an enemy.
"Whoa there, easy now." The human hologram said with her hands raised as Wade and Tina gave a faint glare at J, who stared unamused with her hands to her hips.
Easy, Mr. Wade. I'm a friend." J stated as Wade kept his blade trained at her.
"Didn't we just kill you out there earlier?" Tina asked as she held onto Wade's arm, J smirking as she took in the amusing detail.
"Oh, yes. I believe you must've taken out one of my clones, not surprised. I killed a few myself back there." The corporate drone replied as Wade lowered his sword, surprised at J's words as she looked to him.
"Clones?" Tina said in bewilderment, confounded by the idea of multiples of the same drone running around.
"So, there's more of you?" Wade asked as he swapped his sword back for a hand.
"Indeed there are, Mr. Wade. Effective disassembly drones get cloned more often." J answered as she cringed slightly, remembering part of the reason she ended up here. "Though, admittedly I wasn't efficient enough recently. I'm a clone of one of the old units dispatched about two decades ago, before the Disassembly Division was officially instated."
Tina raised an eyebrow at J's explanation. "Recently? If you were away all that time, what could've possibly stopped you now?"
The murder drone groaned in slight annoyance as she reluctantly explained her answer. "Well, the colony we were supposedly sent to wipe out was quite persistent. During one of our raids, some brat with a ray gun blasted me in two." Regaining her composure, J flicked her hair with a smirk. "Then again, my clones should be better than they are, the Administrator seems to have a dislike towards me, as far as I can tell."
Wade and Tina glanced at each other as they took in the news, perplexed at the story they were hearing as the former spoke up. "Well, I sure hope so. Your clone didn't put up as much of a fight as I was expecting."
"Right..." J said with a look of disappointment before clearing her throat. "But besides that, we don't have time for THAT kind of backstory. We've got a lot of talk to do, Mr. Wade."
The holographic human raised a finger, drawing Wade and Tina's attention as she spoke. "Say, didn't J tell me about a human friend you had? A 'brother' guy?"
J nodded as she now also became curious over their missing acquaintant. "Ah yes, Ron, I believe. Do you know where he is, Wade?"
The two drones looked down in sorrow as Wade answered in dismay. "He uh... he didn't make it."
J allowed a concerned look to breach her shield of confident pride as her human friend spoke up, sounding sad at the news. "Oh, I uh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. W- er... Carter."
"It's alright," Wade replied as he held Tina's hand, looking up to J and the hologram before continuing. "at least he's not hurting anymore."
"My... condolences, Mr. Carter." J said, calling Wade by his last name now as she recovered from the tragic news. "But, it seems you've found someone else important. Who's your friend?"
Wade perked up a bit as he prepared to introduce Tina again. "Ah, yes. This is Tina Fowley, my girlfriend. She was among those captured by the company, I got her out before they could turn her, however."
"She's a pilot too." Nathan chirped from behind Wade, J and her boss stifling laughs as they took in the amusing description of Wade's partner.
"Well, she's quite the cutie, I'll say." The holo-human said in amusement, Tina blushing at the compliment as J spoke as well.
"Indeed she is, good find, Mr. Carter." Chuckling to herself, she remembered that she hadn't even formally met Wade earlier, prompting her to return the effort. "Well, now's as good a time as any to introduce ourselves." Looking to the hologram, J spoke. "Though you probably know who I am, name's J. And this is my boss, Tessa."
Looking to the human girl with a pleasant smile, he spoke to her. "Well, pleased to meet you, Mrs. Tessa."
"Good to meet ya too, Wade!" Tessa replied energetically before bringing herself back to a more serious stance, Wade and Tina feeling a bit surprised by the change of air as she spoke further. "And as much as I hate to cut the pleasantries so short, J and I have some important things to brief you on. So, take a seat and get comfy, everyone."
Noting the pair of chairs in front of the small table J and Tessa were standing on the other side of, the couple took them as Nathan and F stood behind them, simply listening in as J began to explain the matter at hand. "So, you both are probably wondering what this whole mess was all about, correct?"
The two drones nodded as Tina spoke up. "I heard it was having to do something with being recruited for the Disassembly Division, that group you spoke of a second ago. Why did they need to steal me away from my sister up there?"
"Well, the thing is, they didn't." Tessa answered, putting her hands to her hips as her companion explained further.
"Indeed, a simple memory transfer and body scan would've sufficed, but it seems the Administrator was in a bit of a rush." Crossing her arms, J continued in disgruntlement. "From what we gathered, this was done by her as per request by the company CEO, Mr. Jenson. He wanted the Administrator to recruit more drones under a new model of disassembly drone, with slight upgrades that would presumably remove most of the persistent issues each of us have." Shaking her head in disappointment, J finished with, "But, it's clear she cared little for how they were acquired, and way too far overboard with her efforts."
Wade held back his anger as he felt his certainty on the ones responsible grow with J's explanation. "So, it's true? Your people did all this? Got my brother and countless others killed for us?"
The corporate drone seemed to give a sluggish wave of her hand as she replied to Wade. "Well, you see, this whole ordeal is much more complex than it seems." Readying a holo-projector from her hand as it showed the image of a worker drone, dressed in a maid uniform. The hair was silver, two strips of it going down the sides of its head, as well as bearing a bow at the top of it all. Though the hologram made it hard to tell certain details, the drone's eyes appeared faintly as yellow through the blue hue from the hologram light.
Wade, Tina, and their companions eyed the seemingly innocent worker drone in puzzlement as J spoke again. "Now, you should count yourselves lucky, cause what I'm about to tell you is something corporate wouldn't let me spew out to anyone under certain statuses." Looking to Tessa, she continued with a sly smirk. "Then again, it'd probably be forced out of us anyway later on even if we didn't decide to tell you. So, now would be the best time to give you a run-down of the truth we have to share."
"Truth?" Wade asked with a raised hand, J nodding in affirmation before replying.
"Yes." Clearing her throat, J began. "You see, the Administrator was not a creation of JCJenson. At least, not in the way they intended. In fact, she was once a normal worker drone, just like you and I were." Wade raised an eyebrow as J's holo-projector shifted to show a building, a large, very old looking manor that went up a couple of stories high. As Wade and his cohorts observed the structure, J continued her story about her and this Administrator's origins.
"A long time ago, at this place we'll call Elliott Manor, my boss, who was still a child at the time, brought in a few worker drones left outside in a dump near the mansion, mostly composed of scrapped worker drone bodies. Upon bringing us in, Tess would fix us up so we could be her friends. I myself, along with three other drones, were her closest companions. Her family weren't so keen on having us around, but, to keep their daughter happy and to make us useful, Mr. and Mrs. Elliott put us to work keeping the place tidy." The disassembly drone's projector shifted again to show J and her three fellow workers, dressed in the same maid attire J was shown in earlier. Wade and Tina stared at two of them, as they resembled the disassembly drones they fought earlier, most notably N and V.
"Among the four of us here, THIS one would be the biggest problem." The hologram zoomed into the worker drone displayed earlier, postured in a strange, slouched over posture.
"Her name is Cyn, and, unlike J, V and N there, she was more broken than I had surmised back then. Spoke like some old artificial voice generator thing." Tessa stated, pointing at the highlighted drone before Tina decided to speak up on the backstory.
"How broken? Was there something wrong with her coding?" She said as she put a hand to her core.
J nodded lightly as she gave her answer. "Most likely. Do you remember the protocol tape for proper disposal of worker units? Seen it at all?"
Tina and Wade shivered a bit as they thought of the presumed tape J spoke of, dread creeping in from their memories of seeing it as the latter of the duo answered. "I think so, once during a little maintenance time I had years back. I think it was called... 'Zombie Drones'?"
"That's exactly the one." J said with a nod before continuing. "Well, if you saw it all the way through, the pie chart diagram points out the outcomes for OS complications should a worker core be improperly terminated. Out of those outcomes, the smallest, least likely one was 'potentially hazardous mutations'." Pointing to Cyn on the hologram, J continued further. "As for Cyn here, she befell said mutations, and they would come to not only affect her, but all of us at the manor too."
Tina's eyes went wide as she started to click the pieces together, recalling herself reading up on the incident J was hinting at years earlier during a class she took at the college she and Wade attended. "Wait... You, you don't mean SHE was the one who caused the Elliott Gala Massacre?"
J nodded in affirmation as Wade spoke up, confused at the revelation. "Wait, I remember looking into that too. Didn't the news say it was some mass murderer that did it?"
"That they did." Tessa replied as she added to the story. "However, that was a cover-up by the company to hide part of what really happened."
Pulling up what appeared to be a large room full of people inside, J explained the tragedy shown on the projector. "Tessa's parents didn't treat the drones under their service well, and Cyn seemed to despise them for it. On that day during a gala hosted by the Elliotts, Cyn, utilizing the mutations I mentioned, slaughtered the entire attending party there." Glancing to Tessa, J finished with, "Tess and I tried to stop her, but... it was too late."
Holding their hands to their mouths, Wade and Tina looked on in horror, Nathan and F sharing similar dismay as the four looked to Tessa. Knowing their desire to hear how she was spared, Tessa spoke to them. "Despite seeing her kill my parents and everyone in that room with my own eyes, Cyn spared me from the carnage. Took me away to some place so I could be kept quiet."
Raising a hand, F spoke up. "Well, wait a minute, how did Cyn join the company after all that?"
"Good question." J replied, pulling up an image of Cyn and a man, whom Wade recognized as Halloway before the corporate drone explained. "Upon the arrival of law enforcement and agents sent by the company, they found Cyn, who had already turned me and the other worker drones from the manor into the first disassembly drones. After some chatter between the two, Dr. Edgar Halloway, a simple materials recovery officer at the time, struck a deal with her. Talking with the authorities, they managed to convince them to keep the incident on the down low while they took Cyn and her drones in for study. Through said study, addition of protocols and official installation of Cyn into higher company positions, not to mention the creation of the Disassembly Drone Division, the rest is history."
The four drones looked on in stunned shock, taking in Tessa and J's story with unease as Wade spoke up. "So, this new body, the crazy shit that we just went through... it's all cause of this Cyn being? And those who are helping her?"
"That's right." J answered as Tina raised a finger, still concerned over the capabilities of the Administrator as she spoke.
"But, how did she convert you all into what you are now? What were these 'mutations' exactly?"
Tessa sighed a bit as she prepared to explain the origins of this horrible program. "Well, from what information I could gather before I got out of Cyn's clutches a while back, the researchers put to work studying Cyn and her abnormalities came to regard the latter as some kind of program, which grew stronger and more capable quite fast as it was kept under the company's leash. Eventually, they gave it a name: AbsoluteSolver." Pulling out what looked like a smartcomm, Tessa flicked her finger over it as she explained further. "Despite all logic, the AbsoluteSolver program, or, Solver, could generate various things out of thin air, as well as manipulate objects and living beings in many ways. To be blunt, it's like some kind of freaky magic powers for drones.
"Seeing that they could learn a lot from this program, as well as use Cyn's abilities to wring out all kinds of products and items for them to sell and use, the company instated the Solver Project, a research group dedicated to understanding the AS and its potential." Raising a finger, Tessa looked to Wade as she finished her explanation on the Solver. "Said program has been branched out to several other planets over the years, helping to spread this virus as far as possible for purposes we're certain aren't good, given that one of those planets got devastated by an experiment one of the teams did involving the virus."
The news that this infection brought harm to one of the colony worlds didn't sit well with the lover drones, both of them looking on in dismay as J gave more details. "And with that in mind, this recent effort has only cemented our belief that Cyn is up to something sinister. So once we reach the base here in Nevada, we have to make preparations for bringing this Solver Project to a halt... BEFORE it can harm any more people."
Smirking deviously, Tessa raised a finger as she glanced to Wade, who looked to her with concern as she spoke. "By the way Mr. Carter, that Halloway guy you ran into earlier? He leads one of the main teams working on the project."
Wade scoffed in annoyance he was reminded of that man. "Doesn't surprise me, seemed like he was really close to the Administrator from what I saw." Then, thinking on the reason for this briefing he was attending, Wade looked to J and Tessa curiously. "Why are you telling us this?"
J crossed her arms as she explained. "Because, Mr. Carter, YOU are the only disassembly drone we managed to recover from that place. And, given your exceptional performance there, your help would be much appreciated in our mission."
"Mission?" Tina said with a raised eyebrow. "So we're not done yet?"
"For us, not in the slightest. We've got some explaining to do with the government officials stationed at the base we're heading to. As for you all," J answered before looking to the four, all of them returning the glance as she continued. "...that depends on what you all have to say. Can you lend us a hand?"
Glancing to each other, Wade and Tina gazed into one another before nodding in agreement, turning back to J and Tessa before giving their decision. "Well, after what I just went through, and what happened to my brother... I'm sure as hell gonna bring those bastards to justice in one form or another."
"Yes, Wade and I have some talking to do with this 'Dr. Halloway' fellow before this is all over." Tina added, her and Wade holding each others hand as J gave a smirk at their vigorous determination.
"I'm glad to hear you two feel the same on the matter." J said as Tessa put her hands to her hips, slumped slightly as she spoke in a disappointed tone.
"Unfortunately, it may be a minute before we see some action. Once we reach the base, you all will find a place to rest for the time being. Since it's a military base, it should be safe from any major retribution attempts by those blokes at the company." Pulling out her smartcomm again, she continued once more. "As for us, we'll talk to the leaders there and see what their decision will be on the matter."
The quartet seemed to grow concerned over that last part, Nathan raising a hand before speaking his mind. "So, if they say no? Does that mean...?"
J and Tessa glanced to each other before the former answered the veteran drone. "Well, in that case, while it will be harder without official military support, the Coalition will take us wherever we need them to in order to put a stop to the Administrator. Shouldn't be much to worry about."
Taking this somewhat comforting news to heart, Tina and Wade nodded in understanding before the latter spoke to the operatives. "Well, that's good to hear. Whenever you do get an answer, give us a heads up."
"We will, Mr. Carter." J replied to Wade before shifting in her stance, Wade and his friends standing up together as their disassembly drone superior spoke once more. "With all that said, you're all dismissed. If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask."
"Thanks for clearing this up, Mrs. J. You too, Tessa." Wade said gratefully before turning to the exit, Tina walking with him as F and Nathan walked over to the operatives.
"Wade? Do you mind coming down to the bay below? I... I have something to show you." Wade nodded to her before they made their way down, the four people behind them continuing the chatter as the couple went to have their long overdue privacy.
Stepping out of the cockpit behind them, Wade and Tina sighed in comfort as they saw the troops busy with their tasks, not giving a glance to the two as they walked close to the sealed door of the transport. Admiring the enormous view the large window in the door gave for a moment, the two drones looked to each other as Tina dug into her pocket. "I was hoping to do this when we got back home, but... I got this from Eridanus while I was visiting." Finding her token of love to Wade, she pulled out the small box she showed off on the call earlier, opening it to reveal her present.
Wade admired the blue gemstone with wide eyes as Tina pulled it out with great care. "Wow... It's beautiful."
Tina chuckled as she extended the gem's necklace band out. "I knew you would, I just happened to stumble upon it while exploring the forest during a tour." Putting the two necklace bands around Wade's neck, she clipped the present together before pulling her arms back, adoring Wade's new add-on as she finished her sentence. "I felt it would be something nice for you to remember me by, while we're away from each other."
Wade smiled at Tina as he expressed his appreciation for the gift. "It certainly will." Stiffling a chuckle, the former worker drone held Tina's hand holding the box as he spoke further. "But, no matter how far apart we are, nothing could fill the space you hold in my heart."
"Same in mine, dear." Tina replied as she gazed into Wade's eyes, noting the faint green in his yellowed visor as she looked on in hopeful amusement. "And yet, even after all they did, I can still see those eyes. Changed from the soft, cool grass to the warmth of a blazing sun." She said while putting the box away, then placing a hand onto Wade's face as he looked off with a blush.
"Tina, I..." Wade began, unsure of how to put his thoughts to words as he tried to find them. "I don't know what they did to me, but I won't let it ruin our relationship." Holding her shoulders, Wade spoke to Tina further. "You're the most beautiful being I've seen in the whole universe, your warmth, your flight prowess... I want to protect that. I want to protect you."
"Oh, Wade." Tina murmured as the two touched their heads to one another, holding each other close in their efforts to provide affection. Such affection intensified as the two joined their metal lips, sharing a long kiss as they enjoyed their moment of awkward romance together.
...
Location: New Nellis Staryards, Nevada
The Chameleon transports zoomed over the large military air base as they arrived at their destination, several A-20 planes flying about over the base as they either carried out flight sorties or, more likely, investigated the arriving craft coming towards the base. After about an hour of flying over the country, the Coalition-USN task force finally arrived at the designated area to begin unloading their rescued drones to an area they could be protected more efficiently.
As the transport began to descend, Wade, Tina, and their friends observed the sight outside the window, spotting several landed aircraft and even a few docked warships. They admired the many ships resting for repair and refurbishment while they prepared to land and disembark for the base outside.
In the small bridge of the dropship, one of the two pilots tapped a button on the control panel, putting a microphone to their mouth before speaking into it. "Base Control, this is Transport Chi-729-B, we've got assets from the recent op lead by Captain Preston aboard. Request permission to land."
"Permission granted, Chi-729. Welcome back." The officer on the other end replied as the transport descended further, two lightningrod jets breaking off as they permitted the craft to land on their grounds below them.

There was a boy. I’d known him since I was 5 but it wasn’t until I was older that I truly noticed him. We were in 6th grade when we started taking an advanced math class together. I could tell he was smart, funny, and a person I’d want to be around for a long time. Middle school and all the drama that ensues during that time quickly invaded my life. My social group shifted and I found myself closer to my friend, Dakota. By the time we were in 7th grade he was tall and strong. Blond hair and a light greenish set of smart eyes. We started working together outside of school. My dad worked for his dad and I often found myself at their house. Dakota had one older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister. I’m the oldest of four so I could handle the chaos of lots of kids in a home. I had some of my most fun memories in middle school at that home. Not just me and Dakota, but with other friends we worked with, our siblings, and family friends. Nerf gun fights, swimming in the pool, and playing manhunt on the homestead that they lived on. I developed what you could consider a crush on Dakota. And the feeling was mutual. He hinted with the not-so-subtle flirting of a 14 year old boy. Pulling my hair, taking my things, and throwing snacks were often his go-to moves.
One night at a Christmas party, us “kids” were watching a movie while the adults played games and hung out in the other room. At some point, his head ended up on my lap. I remember touching his hair, but ultimately deciding I did NOT want someone to see this and assume the worse. Another time, we were alone in the basement. The basement was the place of all our friend hangouts. The video and board games were down there, along with the nerf guns. One night we were on the couch showing each other memes from our iPod touches. We were laughing and joking, then he handed me his iPod to read the next one. Except this wasn’t a meme: it was his notes app. On the screen it said “I think you are beautiful”. I instantly blushed and tried to hide my face. “Me?.....” I looked at him, also blushing red and he nodded. I told him thank you. It was the first time any boy had told me I was beautiful. In my own eyes, I was not. I had a big tooth gap because my parents couldn’t afford braces, and I wore glasses. I don’t know what he saw, but I appreciated the flattering compliment.
We entered high school where once again, your life shifts. You are faced with new teachers, new course materials, new teammates, and new challenges. We remained close friends through this time, by taking enough classes together and being involved with the same friends. It was nearing the fall homecoming season and I was nervous about getting a date. I saw many older boys asking girls to be their dates and I wondered if I would even have one my freshman year. Leave it up to my best friend Anna to set me up.
I clearly remember it was a Sunday night and I was watching football. My mom tells me she got a text from Dakota’s mom that there was a book she needed to grab from their house. She told me I needed to go with her. Without any context, I was annoyed she was making ME drive her there since I did not want to leave home. They lived about 5 minutes away so I figured the faster we leave the quicker I can get back home. Mom told me I should brush my hair.
“Why?”
“Well because you should look a little presentable.”
“It’s fine right, we’re just grabbing a book really quick, right?”
“Yes but you don’t want to leave the house looking like you do.”
I huffed and opened our sliding glass door going outside to the car.
“You should at least put some shoes on!”
“I’m FINE, Can we just go and get this over with”
I angrily and annoyed drove/ sped down the paved road to their house, all the while questioning my mother why she really needed me to go with her.
“I don’t know, there might be something there for you.”
I had no idea what that meant. We drove to the shop on their property that this supposed book was. I stepped out of the car, barefoot on the gravel and walked into the shop. There I see Dakota, holding a sign. I frantically looked around to figure out what was going on. I see Anna crouched in a corner covering her smiling mouth. I looked at his sign and read the homecoming proposal which used lyrics and titles from Beatles songs, my favorite band.
“Oh, Dakota! Of course yes!”
I gave him an awkward hug and turned around to realize that my mother didn’t need a book at all.
Dakota was sweet. In an innocent way. He had casually asked before if we could date, but being the reserved and shy individual I was, I had always declined. After the dance, we drifted, not for any particular reason. I heard he had started dating a different girl. She was older by two years. Was I hurt? Not particularly. Was I jealous? Maybe a little more so. They went to prom together and she was definitely way prettier than me. It happens, I thought, we aren’t meant to be. A romantic relationship would definitely change our entire chemistry.
Summer came and we were out working together on his family’s farm. We spent hours in the fields, talking, singing, and sweating. Just good friends again. It was normal and felt right. We spent a week together in late July on a church trip. We worked on a homeless shelter with our youth group and had a fun yet powerful time together. My mom, dad, and brother were on this trip as well, along with many of our church friends. After the week was done on Saturday, we drove back to our town. I remember waving goodbye to his family in their Suburban as they left the church parking lot. I didn’t realize how significant that goodbye would be.
A few days went by and we had casual texting conversations about work and school starting in the next few weeks. He texted me Tuesday night that his dad really needed some help the next morning bright and early. I wanted to sleep in. He texted “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get it covered.” A decision I’d soon regret.
Wednesday morning, I go to the church with my mom to do a couple of things with her. I can’t even recall what it was. We were getting into our car when we heard loud sirens throughout our small town. Mom and I looked at each other. Sirens are never a good sign. We get in the car, curious, but praying whoever needs the ambulance is okay. My mom gets a phone call. It’s one of our family friends. She says Dakota and his older brother have been in a bad car accident. That heavy feeling that makes your heart sink to your stomach instantly hit me. “They’re okay, they’re okay, they’re okay.” I kept telling myself. The ambulance was going fast, and Dakota is strong. He’s practically invincible. My mother’s friend tells us that we should stop by Dakota’s house to grab the boys clean clothes and bring them to the emergency room. We drive in silence, except for maybe a short prayer that the boys are okay. We get to the house and my mom quickly runs up the stairs to the boys’ bedroom. I stay downstairs. I observe the dining room. Dirty laundry in the baskets. Dirty dishes on the counter. Dakota’s name on a marker board along with a list of chores to do. We speed to the emergency room in the nearby town. On the way we received a text from Dakota’s older brother, John. He said he was doing okay but he wasn’t sure about Dakota. We should be keeping their family in our prayers. The panic was rising in my throat. I had been nervous about things before. This was different. It was like a nauseating churn that started in my stomach. Like my soul was shaking out of my physical body. We got to the hospital, parked and my mom said I should stay in the car. Probably wanting to protect me from any scarring sights within the ER. I wanted to go in. Could I see him? She insisted that I stay in the car. I stayed. Frozen at first. Then rocking back and forth. My palms were shaking and itchy in the center.
“This can’t be happening. Not Dakota. He’s like my best friend. Kids don’t die. He’s too young. Too smart. He has an incredibly successful life ahead of him.”
I was eyeing the automatic door for any sign of someone that I recognized. The ten minutes I waited felt like an hour. Ten minutes of restless uncertainty. Then I see my mom. She had one of the hardest faces that I had ever seen her make. She opened the driver’s side door and I immediately asked “What’s going on. Is he ok?!”
She looks at me dead in the eyes, shaking her head, “He didn’t make it, Jasmine”
A million emotions and questions flood my brain. I started blubbering and sobbing while hitting the dashboard. “No, no, no. Why!? Why him?” My mom breaks down with me, not able to get out a single word. The family friend who delivered the phone call joins us in the car. She says Dakota’s in a better place now. I’m in a state of shock and disbelief. Hot tears will not stop streaming down my cheeks. We were silent on the way back home. I ran upstairs to my room and shut the door. I cried into a pillow for the rest of the afternoon. I skipped dinner. There was a candlelight vigil that evening at a church. I barely had the strength to go, but my mom said it would be good for me. I brought my water bottle. I ate nothing and only drank water to replenish my tears the next two days. Saturday morning, I went to a different church with my family to see Dakota’s family. The church’s youth were making survivor bracelets out of parachute cord. Dakota had made them during his depressive episodes during his 9th grade year, when we somewhat drifted. Dakota and I took Spanish class together our freshman year. One day he asked me what my favorite color was. I told him blue. The next day he gave me a blue bracelet he had made. He said he accidentally made one too small. I was instantly brought back to that moment while standing in the church with dozens of people learning how to braid the cord. When I got home, I tore apart my vanity in search for the bracelet he had made for me. I put it on my right hand. I wore the bracelet everyday for an entire year. I had a Dakota original.
Dakota’s brother, John, who was entering his senior year, invited many of us friends to go out to the place where the accident happened. It was a blind intersection that I had previously been weary of earlier that summer. The corn was high and there were no road signs for a yield or stop. John explained how they had just got in the truck after working the field about a half mile south and were going to take their lunch break. He said they had just started going down the road, picking up speed, when he heard a small voice tell him to put his seatbelt on. John put his seatbelt on, but Dakota didn’t. John said he felt as if there was something around the corner, but ultimately did not slow down near the intersection. A driver, going 50 miles per hour, t-boned them in the intersection. According to John, the truck rolled and Dakota was thrown through the windshield. John found his phone and quickly called 911. He found Dakota and blood was coming from his mouth. He had a large wound on his forehead where he had smashed the dashboard. John pulled him into the field of soybeans, opposite the corn, and tried performing CPR. Dakota was mumbling and sputtering blood before his breathing stopped. The paramedics pronounced him dead at the scene. They said he was internally decapitated.
The wake for Dakota was on Sunday night. I had a tough time finding the strength to go. We waited in line behind dozens of people for close to an hour. When I finally got up to him, my heart sank again. There he was. His skin was pale. His hair was not right. His mother, who was right by, said it was okay to touch him. I reached for his hair to move it how he usually wore it. As I parted it, I saw the large scar covered by gobs of makeup that the hair was covering on his forehead. I put it back.
His funeral was the next day. Monday. At 1:18PM, his birthday date. I felt sick the whole morning. My whole family got in the car and my mom was talking to my younger siblings. I was silent. I was going to one of my best friends’ funerals. The church where the funeral was held was absolutely packed. Parked cars took up the surrounding blocks. The church had multiple floors and rooms with casted video of the celebration of life. I was considered close enough to sit in the sanctuary in the front half of the pews. I sat with my gifted teacher and other friends from the gifted program. What a terrible way to end your summer. Saying hello to people you haven’t seen in a few months at a funeral. I remember the funeral. There were songs and the service was led in large by Dakota’s own mother. To this day I have no idea how she had the strength to do that. I remember a few of the songs that were sung, but I’ll never forget the sound of the casket closing. The last goodbye. The final SLAM. His face would never again have sunlight shown upon it. Never again would a person touch him, hold him, hug him.
My family tried to get out to the burial but the crowd was just too insanely large to get around. I had the final say that we could go home. I’d come back another time.
The next day, I went to the scene of the accident. It was an intersection 5 miles east of my house. Someone had put up a make-shift cross at the intersection. I brought a big University of Kansas patch from one of our gifted trips to place at the cross. He loved basketball, and especially the Jayhawks. On the back of the patch I had written “I love you”. That night, there was a big storm. I sat up straight in bed and started crying as the wind whistled by my windows. The patch.
When I woke up, I found a reason to leave home and went back out to the intersection. I ran up to the cross and found my patch wrapped tightly around the base with some old barbed wire. I burst into tears of relief. I have no idea who saved my patch.
The next two weeks were spent preparing for school and fall practice. I had decided to do tennis that fall instead of volleyball. On the first day of school, I rode the bus into the town with my school. We drove past the intersection and I burst into tears. I cried four more times that day. Each time in the class he should have been in with me. I was distraught. I have no other way to describe how absolutely depressed I was walking the halls. Teachers were not the same. There was an absence in our sophomore class. An absence on our football team. In our audition choir. In our youth group. And in me. I tried my best to get through it. I started journaling a little bit after the accident to help organize my thoughts. To remember all the little details I could about him. To write them down so they didn’t disappear.
My sophomore year was brutal. I was playing tennis in the fall with a small team of girls who helped to create a safe and calm environment for me. I spent all of my hours in the team vehicle listening to two Lifehouse albums on repeat. I’d look out the window and reflect. What was life? What was my purpose? Why did this happen?
I didn’t have an answer. I bottled it up. It seemed that a lot of my class who weren’t very close with Dakota had a lot easier time going back to their normal lives. I was missing a friend. There was a contact in my phone from whom I’d never received another text. I had unfinished business. We had talked all summer about how our math class and Spanish II classes would be so fun this year. The bracelet I wore everyday was getting a stark tan line.
The semester rolled on. One of my other close friends moved to Colorado. And my last best friend, Anna, was in her own self-discovery phase. She wasn’t as close to Dakota and I was more or less a depressed teen at that time. I cried at school. In the bathrooms. In the locker room or a small music practice room. Am I just that sensitive? Why is no one else dealing with this grief like I am? I tried to distract myself with various activities. It worked for the most part. In the spring, I went out for softball. I loved softball. I had been playing it for years. I even had helped “assistant coach” a little girls rec league with Dakota and his family a few summers beforehand. Softball was hard but I needed the challenge. I worked hard at the sport and found myself on the varsity team after multiple players were out for the season due to injury or illness. In the last regular season game, on May 9th on our home field, I broke my leg. I had a high impact with the catcher while trying to steal home. The ump called me safe and we won the game by a run rule as I crumpled to the ground. I remember thinking I could stand up, but the weirdest tingling started down my leg around my knee. My coach carried me off the field like a baby. I pulled my helmet off and one tear slid down my cheek. They put me on a stretcher while the athletic trainer checked my knee.
“Yep, you fractured a bone. We should get you in to the ER for an X-ray”
“Fracture? Like my bone broke?”
“Yes that’s what a fracture is”
I started sobbing. Not from the pain. From the overwhelming feeling of becoming an invalid for an uncertain amount of time. I slid in the back of my mom’s vehicle as we drove down to the county ER. We got there, I was still in uniform. Just hysterical. I had no idea what was going on as I had never had an injury like this before. The ER lady took X-rays of my right leg. The images came back and showed a tibial plateau fracture. I wouldn’t be walking for a while. They helped cut me out of my softball pants and sent me home with lots of pain killers. The next few days I spent vomiting from the strong norco drug. I had a surgery a few days later where they placed hardware in my knee and put me in a straight-leg brace. I was miserable. It was hot and scratchy and I had my finals coming up. I went back to school the next Wednesday or Thursday to collect some class work to do at home. As I lived on the downstairs couch for close to three weeks I found myself asking again “Why did this happen?” I finished the school year by doing my final projects and giving my German foreign exchange student friend a final hug. I remember thinking “This is a nicer way to say goodbye to someone forever”.
I couldn’t walk for most of the summer and I started painful physical therapy. I was frequenting 3 times a week for a long while to build back my strength and relearn to walk. As soon as I was weight-bearing, I started working outside again. Doing what I could with one crutch. Dakota’s dad hired me to help manage the field workers and I could do some wood stacking decently enough. On the 1 year anniversary of Dakota’s death, I went to the gravesite for a small ceremony. It was the first time I had been there. The intersection where he died was my frequent mourning spot, almost daily on my drive to and from school. The gravestone was large and obviously very expensive. It has a beautiful picture of him and the quote “You got this”, that he used often as a self-reassuring phrase. At some point after the 1-year, I stopped wearing the bracelet he made me. Was it time to let go? How long does one mourn?
The rest of my high school journey was tainted with the memories of him and the phantom memories of where I imagined him being. At my graduation, we had an honorary memorial and scholarship dedicated to him and his character. Then I went to college. I was already dating who would become my husband a number of years later.
Years have passed. There is no happy ending. I'm still here. Aging. Growing older while I can still see the face of my 15 year old friend. He isn’t growing. He’s in the ground. Resting. It feels like a lifetime until I can see him again. I’ve had dreams of him. Unprompted visions of him were prevalent for about 2 years after he passed. You would think this story would get easier after the number of times I’ve played in my head over all of these years. But it hasn’t. I’m in the acceptance stage of grief. I’ve lived life, gotten married, laughed again, and see a bright future for myself. Though I do often think, Where would Dakota be now? Would we have become closer friends? Would he be married? He would have made a good father.
Again, I have no answers to these questions that I suppose may eternally sit with me. I do have some answers though. I’ve learned how to not take people for granted. I’ve learned how to recognize depressive symptoms and how to be a listening ear for someone who feels hopeless. I’ve learned how to find purpose in helping people. I’ve learned patience. Sometimes patience is agonizing, which means the reward is definitely worth the wait.

My older sister is 55 and brother 52 don't understand mental health, what being non binary( or any lgbtq or geneder language) means. My sister, always starts with well, we can't offend the they/them people. Which literally says , who gives a shit about their feelings and acceptance. My partner's Sibling goes by they/them and I can't correct my family without getting confused faces. At this point it wouldn't kill people to get some,or try, understanding of genders. Especially when/if my family would work with someone who doesn't identify as sis gender. constantly feel like the Gen X ers are in thier own world and close minded.

I am devastated. My mother is a 49 year old RN that has done nothing but care for people her whole life. She has had a long line of medical and mental issues which has caused severe anxiety in my life, but I never thought this day would actually come.
She went into the ER in Paris TN for abdominal pain that’s lasted about 4-5 weeks. They did a CT scan and found multiple tumors on her pancreas, liver, kidneys, and abdominal wall.
She was immediately transported to a cancer center 2 hours away in Nashville. They did another test and found the worst news possible. The doctor said that she has stage 3 or 4 cancer in her Pancreas, Liver, and Kidneys. They are doing biopsies and more tests tomorrow.
I am only 29 years old (M) and have a 24 year old brother along with a 15 year old sister. I live all the way in Vegas but me and my girlfriend of 7 years are working on a plan to get back that way for my mother.
This is the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever endured, and it just started. Just got the news today and feel like my head is going to explode from crying so much. My mom has always neglected herself. Minimal water, zero sugar sodas, chain smoking cigarettes, bad diet, sometimes no diet, 16 hour work days, minimal / no sleep, etc.
Looking back… it’s so heartbreaking and I wish that I could go back and fix this. I wish I never left her and moved away when I was 19. I spent all this time (10 years) trying to find my own way, and to hopefully find a better life for my immediate family. That sadly didn’t happen fast enough. So many regrets!
I feel so bad for her and am willing to do all I can to help her… regardless what happens. I owe that woman the world. I’m just TORE UP at the moment though.
This all happened in the last 36 hours. Any helps. Just please help me.

(Disclaimer: there will be spoilers in this post... duh.) (Second disclaimer, this one's a bit long because i made it as i went through the quest, so nothing got left out.)
Firefly: "So basically, yeah, the cake was a lie and it made me so angry i refused to die, turned into a masculine robot, and had to beat you up so you wouldn't find out that i was alive for some reason."
Trailblazer: "That doesn't explain ANYTHING!?"
Firefly: "Shhh, just close your eyes baby, and it will continue not making any sense in a moment."
Trailblazer: "Okay, but i don't know... Aaaand i've been stabbed. oh, hi Welt."
Welt: "I am also here now."

Dan Heng: "Who are you and how did you get on this train."
Boothill: "Now y'all listen up you *****-*** mother-******* *******. i'm looking for this ***** Acheron and y'all are gunna help me or else!"
Dan Heng: "Or else what?"
Boothill: "..."
Pom-Pom: "?"
Boothill: "You know what, nobodies ever asked me that question, so i'm not entirely sure."
Dan Heng: "Sounds like you needed a back up plan."
Boothill: "you, uh... wanna go get a drink?"
Black Swan: "I inexplicably exist in your presence now because rather than being a hot lady, I'm more like the concept of a hot lady."
Boothill: "What the ****! who the **** ****** **** is this **** *****?!"
Black Swan: "Oh, and i brought a plus one."
Acheron: "Hello."
Boothill: "Oh now this ***** is the ******* ***** that i'm ******* looking for!"
Acheron: "And what are you going to do about it?"
Boothill: "I'll ******* kill this ***** *** ******* right now!"
Acheron: "But what if you didn't?"
Boothill: "..."
Pom-pom: "?!"
Boothill: "Man, I'm gettting asked a lot of questions i wasn't ready for today, alright, i guess i'll hear you out."

Firefly: "Welcome to the upside down, Narnia, bizzarro world, Jurassic park, Clockie land, ... it's dream hell, welcome to dream hell.
Trailblazer: "And we're here because...?"
Welt: "This is where the clockmaker is from or something, I know a guy who can tell you about it for some reason, but lets wander around until we accident into the whole group so we can do the thing."
Trailblazer: "on it."

Gallagher: "I know you probably don't trust me considering the sinister presentation of the last cutscene i was in, but i'm here to tell you that i'm a good guy who uses dubious powers from the insane Aeon, and that your REAL enemy is...!"
Trailblazer: "It's a stellaron, isn't it?"
Gallagher: "Okay, there is no way you could possibly know that already."
Trailblazer: "Look man, we just came from a world where we had to resolve a stellaron crisis, which we went to after being on a world where we had to resolve a stellaron crisis, after leaving from a space station where i may or may not have been born purely to resolve a stellaron crisis... this is kind of the premise of this game."
Gallagher: "... fair enough, anyways, i brought Sunday."
Sunday: "Where is my sister?!"
Robin: "Ow, bro, you just yelled that like, RIGHT in my ear."
Sunday: "Oh thank goodness you are okay my dearest, beloved, most beautiful and illustrious sister!"
Robin: "Yeah, yeah, we get it, now lets get you out of the public eye for a minute because i know how long this is going to go on."
Assorted rando's: "Our lives sucked so we came to Penacony and it didn't get better, but we feel like it did, so Penacony is great!"
Robin: "Man, it sucks that people try to escape reality but living in a false world where everyone is hot and everything is great."
Sunday: *looks at the camera*
Sunday: "Say, dear sister, have you ever heard of 'the matrix'?"
Robin: "Well yeah, but this isn't exactly like that..."
Sunday: "So there was this character named cipher..."
Robin: "Oh my god penacony is just the matrix..."

Himeko: "Okay, so here's what we know. the family is keeping the stellaron in the stage for the thing, security is tight, they know we're onto them, Gallagher can't help us now this his cover is blown, and the most powerful of our allies has been exiled from penacony due to intergalactic racism or something. any ideas?"
Gallagher: "Give up?"
Firefly: "Incredible violence?"
Trailblazer: "Sorry boss, best i can do is memes."
March 7th: "Well obviously we need to become pop idols!"
Himeko: "I like march's idea, someone find Welt, he has the most experience."
March: "Why... would he have experience being a pop idol...?"
Himeko: *looks at the camera and winks*
Trailblazer: "Okay, i know i'm the jokes a lot person, but can we take a step back and acknowledge that this plan is ridiculous?"
Firefly: "I agree, just give me the signal and i will start murdering at a moments notice!"
Coca cola rip off man: "before you do whatever silly and video game elements ridden thing we're calling an audition, would you like to say anything?"
Trailblazer: "Jujutsu Kaisen was only okay."
Crowd: *Loudly Boos*
Trailblazer: "You're only booing because you know i'm right!"
Coca cola man: "Now with that based take out of the way, lets begin the random COMBAT AUDITIONS!"
Trailblazer: "Wait, why do pop idols need to be proficient in combat?"
Firefly: "I'm ready as **** for this!"
Trailblazer: "This sounds both unethical and highly illegal..."

Argenti: "I am to be your last contestant!"
Traiblazer: "Could you, like, not though?"
Argenti: "Fair enough! i'm not even sure why i was here to being with!"

Sunday: "BTW, I'm evil now and maybe probably was the whole time."
Trailblazer and co.: "but like, why tho?"
Sunday: "...Have you ever heard of 'The Matrix'...?"
Trailblazer: "...yeah?"
Sunday: "So there's this character named Cipher..."

Dreammaster: "So what if there was a chance that i wasn't evil?"
Welt: "That seems unlikely."
Dreammaster: "But what if i had Sunday prove it with his powers of whatever that compels people to tell the truth?"
Sunday: "Alright, vague question time where i ask about "your god" but never specify "the harmony"
Welt: "That seems sus."
Dreammaster: "He knows too much, Sunday! Get him!"

Himeko: "So let me get this straight, you follow "The Order", a dead Aeon who got eaten up by the harmony because the harmony was, in essence, a more open minded path?"
Sunday: "Says the woman following "The Trailblaze" a path with a likewise dead Aeon."
Himeko: "Well yeah, but ours didn't get eaten by a broader path, he just died off screen where nobody could see him instead."
Sunday: "Your point being?"
Himeko: "Well isn't trying to resurrect a dead god who died in that particular way the same as admitting that you are a narrow minded chump?"
Sunday: "But what if i was a sociopath instead?"

Trailblazer: "Wait, so your saying that your master plan is to trap all of reality in a collective dream so that they can all be equal and have peace and all that yada-yada, while you, yourself, remain on the outside to maintain it all?"
Sunday: "More or less."
Trailblazer: "Do you know a guy named Kevin?"
Sunday: "I... why would you ask..."
Traiblazer: "Because Kevin tried this exact same thing, and you know what happened to him?"
Sunday: "well i don't even know who..."
Trailblazer: "He got beat up by anime girls and died."
Sunday: "..."
Trailblazer: "And one of them even had a baseball bat."
Sunday: "...Oh dear..."

Misha: "By the way, i don't actually exist and also i'm the watchmaker."
Trailblazer: "Oh really? Wooow... I NEVER saw this coming..."
Misha: "Anyways, have a hat."
Trailblazer: "Oh, sweet, i like, believe in the harmony now and stuff."

*Montage of emotional and philosophical information and stuff*
Trailblazer: "Sooo... can we fight now?"
Sunday: "We can, but first i wanted you to know that i got a B+ in political philosophy 101."
Trailblazer: "Oh, ummm... good job, i guess?"
Sunday: "anyways, I AM BECOME A GOD~!"
Jing yuan: "KILL STEAL OUT OF NOWHERE MOTHER ****ER!"

March 7th: "Wake up, everything is fine now. all problems have been resolved, and now we get to say goodbye to all the hot people and sit on our hands until the next update..."
Trailblazer: "I don't trust it."
Boothill: "I don't even remember why i'm here."
Traiblazer: "I don't trust it..."
Jing Yuan: "It's a good thing everyone involved in the current situation is an adult who can talk things out and come to a peaceful solution now that everything is over."
Trailblazer: "I don't even think you're real, none of this is real, none of you can be trusted."
Aventurine: "Hey, I'm alive again, don't worry about the logistics or whatever."
Trailblazer: "Okay, where's the twist, there's too many loose ends here.
Screwllum: "I am here for some reason to announce that the genius society is now a charity that will help Penacony because we feel like it."
Trailblazer: "Alright, listen here you well mannered robotic freak, that was a ONE PHASE Boss fight, there is no f***ing way that this s**t ends with the biggest anticlimax imaginable and everyone living happily ever after. GIVE ME PHASE 2! I'M READY FOR IT!!!
Himeko: "By the way, the hot memory lady and the funny space cowboy will be joining the astral express crew."
Trailblazer: *KICKS OVER THE JUKEBOX* "THATS IT! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL WE WOULD EVER GET NEW MEMBERS ON THE EXPRESS, WHERE THE F*** IS PHASE 2?!?"
Black Swan: "So you ready for phase 2?"
Trailblazer: "There's a phase 2?!"

Acheron: "So basically, it's project stigma."
Trailblazer: "I f***ing knew it."

Robin: "i woke up because my brother wasn't a douche."
Dan heng and Boothill: "We woke up because whatever."
Trailblazer: "Bet, avengers, assemble!"

Acheron: "By the way i'm Raiden Mei."
Everyone: "Yeah, we know."

(Dramatic boss fight goes here, no real lore though except that we win by throwing trains at the boss)

Boothill: "I have a beef with aventurine for some reason."

I’m working for my gf’s brother’s company after I lost my longtime job. I’m new to this kind of work, but doing okay. He pays well but offers no benefits as his company is a relatively new startup. My boss is a good guy but I’m honestly not sure he’d keep me around if not for the fact that I’m dating his sister. Today I was working alone and was almost finished for the day when I had a bit of an accident and injured my finger. No equipment or property was damaged, only me. I’m thinking it may need stitches. I’m in a tight spot financially at the moment and could barely scrape together the money to get some gauze and bandages at the store, of course I have no insurance, and I don’t want to put this on my boss or his business partner (who is his stepfather and also a good guy). These guys would probably offer to pay for it themselves but I don’t want them to do that, nor do I want to call their attention to my stupid mistake. I can probably work through this injury but I really think I might need it to be sewn up and would prefer to get it looked at than not. What are my options? Can an uninsured person get treatment at an ER without paying out of pocket? I’m in Indiana if that’s relevant.

After careful thought and transgression in my contemplation I took a venture to escape my house for the voices led me to believe that they were coming for me. The two previous days I had called 911 on myself. The first day I had been awake Three nights and the Voices were getting more beckoning than usual. In my efforts to contain my madness I called the paramedics and then walked out of my apartment and sat down at the stairwell, on the 6th floor of my Apartment building. Drinking a large bottle of chilled refrigerated water. The voices had been correlating with visions of a celebration of sorts, a kind of festive get together of about 25 to 40 people surrounding me in my vision as I had been previously laying down.

 They had gathered and jorttled and jocked in celebration, as I said, that I, an individual of great importance to the great rivalry that was the Two Sides who had created the Universe. Neither of us are entirely inherently Good or Evil, but nevertheless we are a duality, or in a very real sense dualism exists. Or so it seemed to be over. The celebration consisted of an assortment of my Rival's associates and friends and an assembly of other assorted family members, of whom I did not recognize. The crowd gathered and played celebration. "The Star! The Star! Watch the Oncoming Star!" They chortled pointing at the Bright emanation that agglomerated in the center of the ceiling. Crowded ribbons and confetti blasted and streamed around me as my assailant brother aligned for photos as the celebration continued to commence. He approached me in face then quickly pulled a prank to attempt to hold out his hand then quickly pulled it away as everybody laughed in joy. I rested firmly observing the chaotic display calmly attempting to keep my thoughts calm and not asterisk in any unconventionality or disturbance to the scene displayed before me. All nestled with my eyes closed the æthereal presence began to haunt me as these Haunts began to suggest I get up and approach the window, chanting and suggesting that the ride was slmost over and all I needed to do was... I had preordained it in my mind already that this was all of course a trick already, got up and walked accrossed my living room to get a cigarrette out and light it, "I'm not fucking jumping." Then after smoking my cigarrette and laying back down, the advantageous celebration still continued until a woman was gathered in front of me kind of surprisingly saying, "Hi, Im Debra, writer of my famous Caretaking Book. You contacted me on Facebook? You said you were my biggest fan?" And then suddenly the room got very cold and strange. And everyone just stared at her when someone came up from behind her and broke her neck right in front of me. Then everyone stared at me. And my Brother approached again saying, "Either go to the Window or suck a tail pipe, it's either my way or the highway." And after a pause I retorted, "I'm not jumping out the fucking window!" And another pause He then retorted, "Fine, have it your way. But remember You chose it this way." And He walked to the window where a fewer crowd had gathered. And then suddenly a toddler started crying in the room. And stepping from behind where I had not seen, My Brother came carrying a crying toddler saying, "You chose this." And He threw the child out of the window. And Splat She went. Taken with a sudden surprise, I questioned whether the even had really happened and suddenly very faintly I started to hear a faint disturbing crying sound coming from somewhere outside my window. I live on the top floor so A child being thrown out my window most certainly wouldn't survive. But the crying continues. And Im up and Im starting to panic. And I start to pace wondering what I should do. Now there's no reason to get coy, but I panic and couldn't figure whether to call the cops or not undecidedly smoking cigarretes after cigarretes with my addrenaline pulsing through my chest and my heart pounding in my ears. The Fear got to me so I decided Im going to wait it out. Suddenly I hear commotion from outside and could see the ambulance pull up beside the building in the parking lot. And I decided to wait. In my mind I could see, now, my Doppleganger on the street approaching a woman with a stroller. And he (I) yelled, "JOHN CENA!" And then swooped up her infant child and then ran into the building through a key fob locked door, running to the elevator. This of course seems to be happening both in my mind as well as in real time, seemingly. And then I hear my brother, "Have it your way!" And from a lower level, maybe half way down the levels Another Toddler is thrown out the window. And Terror possessed me then. Then I see (in my mind's eye) the Woman on the street attract a common passerby and they call the authorities. Soon after, me in my apartment tripping my heart to death, I see her pointing in the apartment's direction sending the squandering brute police toward my immensely desperately approaching inevitable doom. I see the cops scouring the floors looking for "John Cena." When I lose my shit and call 912 then 911 fumbling in my presence and words. "I think I'm having a Heart Attack from medication I just had Taken. No, Ive been up all night snd I just can't calm down." Taking my cool drink to the stairwell, To prevent the police invading my apartment, I lose my shit on the Stairwell trying to calm down. "Hello, we are the EMT Wasatch Fire Dept, are you having an ok time?" They announce when they bring the gurney and meet me in the stairwell. "I.... I think I'm losing my mind. I might be having a hheart attack." They give friendly advisory, "It's ok we're here to help. Are you light headed..." they run through routine, and the Police come up the stairwell as I say, "Ive been up fir 3 days." A Social Worker named Mike, whom surprised me, gives me his number and some very friendly advise. I've surprisingly known him since he was a correctional youth councilman when I would have to spend time in council care 5 hours after High School led out in my Teens. Surprising to see him and how he appropriately knows me and offers his help. May there truly be some kind of force watching over all beings. The cops don't harass me but seemed really annoyed, as I tell the entire group that I don't need or want to go to the hospital. I tell them that I finally calmed down after the EMT gave me oxygen. He was very considerate where as I was a complete ass. And They all left me alone to get some sleep. After getting back into my apartment I slump on the bed and got 3 hours of sleep. Awakening in the evening I immediately get bombarded with psychic attacks from my voices. Continued abuse of Fear-Mongering and abrasive counter productive conditioning training involving me to fall back into argument with them as they gang up on me snapping satire and sarcastic remarks of negligent destitute with no remorse, further bringing me to argument and continual suggestions that I am a criminal no good person who has no other alternative but to jump out the window. By morning I decide I can't take it anymore and I call 911 on myself again. The 911 call is terribly echoed, and I can hear a faint operator then the repeated tone of a louder different operator repeating the same prompts of the 911 call. I say, "This call is very delayed and echoing." But I was told to not mind, and that there was nothing to worry about. Soon, within 10 second of hanging up On the call, I am almost frightened by a sharp Scream that comes from outside my Window. I obviously pissed off someone mad. He was reserved and didn't continue the scream beyond a slight jolt. I think He just couldn't take what my actions were saying, or maybe I wasn't supposed to be calling the cops and should have jumped from the window like the voices have been telling me to do for the passed 4 months. But I'm choosing to comply and turn myself to the interventions of Authorities. I didn't want to go to the hospital, I needed another opinion. Some sort of interaction beyond what was solely encompassing in my mind. Schizophrenia has no justice. Again I sat on the stairwell, awaiting the Emergency Services. A common intervening again annoyed cops and helpful social worker Mike, telling me that my landlord isn't going to be too happy if she hears that Ive been using Meth and staying up all night with schizoaffective symptoms. I just didn't like how the voices were treating me. You'd think the guys could wait a few more moments and didn't have to urge so much to the extent that I would have to jump or be taken out. I mean Jesus got a Cross and I got an Apartment. Urgency seems to be the crux of your disease Bro. Another attempt to get some sleep and otherwise getting very little. My medication rides my heart very deeply. Reaching the brink of accumulating a heart failure, by slipping two discs under my lip to thwart these hallucinations. I truly resided in misery. Awakening in the night, the voices seemed mild. So I smoked pot and sat at the computer throughout until morning. When the voices came back I sprang upon the decision to go to the hospital so I fallowed my better side of my instincts' directions to go check myself into the hospital, "Well, let's just get out of the house." He said to me. When I got to the hospital I sat in the Starbucks lobby going through my hand notes, drinking free iced water. When I made the decision to make my move to check into the ER. When just moments before I got a call from my younger Brother. He said that he and my Eldest Sibling Sister were headed toward the Hospital and could come visit me in the ER if I would like it. He knew that I had been shaken up and could use the intervening courtship of these two Aries', the only Aries' in my family. In a New York Minute the nurses took me to the back room beyond the liasons and nurse techs around the corner of the entrance to the ER waiting room. I took one look at the padded room and center mattress and turned around and bailed. Proceeding through the ER quickly I emerged from the ER entrance quickly as the nurses called my name and grabbed security to chase me. I was afraid that the Hospital was a trap. Instantly hearing my name called I turn to look and it was both my Aries' intervening in a total manifesting spectacularity. Almost as if I had somehow walked passed them while evacuating the ER. Security and my siblings tried very hard to convince me to go back. The security guards threatened to call over the officers. So I lit up a ciggarrette and sat down at the bus stop. I almost made it. After several tries they convinced me I was now "pink sheeted" and was Hospital property. So I conceded hoping I would convince the Social worker that I didn't need to stay at the H. I was definitely en passant. After de clothing and then robing up, I was very convinced that I was going to be stuck with some sort of a lethal injection. I was fearful of the delusions the voices had previously convinced me of the behaviors they claimed I was responsible for. After several moments of sitting in the room with my siblings I convinced myself that I could be alright with going to the psyche ward. After moments alone and then meeting the Social Worker and then saying goodbyes to my Aries' I eventually started to hallucinate. A crawling skeeter bug on the wall crawled incessantly. The hospital tech continues the delusions, seemingly carrying conversations about a Gokd Spray Paint Huffing Serial Killer and my overt contemplative threats to my otherwise alternate ego that seemed to assume responsibility for such delusional trickery; but he stayed silent. Eventually I fell asleep. ***Late at night, surrounded by total darkness, I was half awoken to my Dr approaching me in my sleep with a red led light. And he put something into my IV. Then from some underbelly dark end basement of the Hospital they wheeled in a gurney with a Globlike Black Amorphous being that was 3 bodies high and somewhat the length ofbthe entire gurney. And then something strange happened when they wherled it in. Seeming to cover my body without touching me and then receded I then fell back to sleep. For 3-4-5-6-7 whole days afterward I had the worst Slur in my voice. Still delusional I assumed that I had some kind of Alien Lobotomy and now I have no desire or ability to harm myself by any means.*** 

Thanks for everyone who left nice comments on my last post, I really appreciate it and really needed the encouragements as well. Let’s continue my story.
My husband’s behavior became worse and worse throughout our marriage. I became pregnant after a month of our wedding day because our families kept pressuring us (we wanted to have kids after like one year of marriage). I was always tired, nauseous, dizzy, suffering from an awful heartburn and disgusted at at any sight of food so I couldn’t eat much and I had no energy. My husband kept complaining and called me lazy and only using pregnancy as an excuse. Instead of making it easy for me and help, he would complain to his parents and obviously his parents will tell my family and problems will erupt and guess who gets the blame, ME!! His sister (she’s married to my oldest brother) would always try to talk shit about me to my husband just to make us fight. She would keep boosting about how she manages to do everything while having three kids, as if my mom and I didn’t literally raise two of her kids during her four years in uni, give her lunch every single day when she comes home and invite her every Friday on lunch. Also, everytime she fights with my brother, she somehow convinces my husband to fight with me for the stupidest reasons ever, so she plays a big part of this divorce.
I had my daughter through a c-section at 37 weeks because of some complications. I planned on just staying home after birth because I thought I would be more comfortable and I know how to take care of a baby because I used to babysit a lot. However, it came to our attention that our daughter was suffering from GERD after a week of her birth, it was traumatizing seeing her chocking, suffocating and her face being so red, luckily, my mom literally lives two minutes away from me and I called her immediately and she came running barefoot and took my daughter to the ER. She forced me to stay at her house to take care of my daughter and I for couple of months, and obviously my husband and his family didn’t like that. It has been like a month or so at my parents house at that time and my sil took it upon herself to tell my husband that I should come back home and deal with my daughter and the house chores by myself because SHE does all of that herself, as if my brother never helps her.
After a couple of months of my daughter’s birth (she was maybe like 5 months old) my husband went back to drinking alcohol, smoking weed and taking pills. I was scared to tell anyone because he already threatened to divorce me on the stupidest things and pressured my brothers to smoke weed and drink alcohol and I was scared to tell on him and then him getting my brothers into trouble by telling on them as well. I told him many times to stop doing what he does and he didn’t budge and kept using our daughter and our financial issues as excuses. I even told him that he’s a bad guy and a bad Muslim because of how he influences others to do awful bs, but he didn’t care.
He didn’t give a single shit about how I never gotten any sleep since our daughter’s birth, he would also prioritize sex over taking care of our her. He would also complain about her crying during the night and get so mad and swear at her and keep saying that he regrets having her. I would wake up most of the night trying to get her to sleep while having the worst back pain ever, and now, I’m at the first stage of scoliosis. I’m so exhausted till this day, I have never felt the same after giving birth and I feel like I’m going crazier each day passes, and I literally feel like I haven’t fallen asleep for one second, even if I slept for 7 hours or more, I still feel like I slept for 5 minutes and my whole body would be sore everyday.
This is it for today. My next post will mostly be about how my husband and his family treated my daughter and how his sister (my brother’s wife) turned out to be the snake that was the one who’s doing shady bs behind our backs after all the things we have done for her and how she played a big role in the divorce. Goodnight.

Oh good.... I've never posted on reddit, but it looks like I can "save draft" and come back later. I don't know how long this will be. EDIT: I have finished typing. It's long. I will go back through and label it in different "parts" which I'll put in all caps. You can make it a shorter read by skipping down to part 2
PART 1:
Anyway, a little background. I grew up being a bit depressed all my life. I looked good to women and got approached during the times I was thin, but always had a weight problem. I was always shy around women and never dated much. My only saving grace was that I got into a field of work that I loved. I became a nerd. In 1989 I got my license and got to do what I enjoyed. '89 was a big year for me. I quit smoking got thin and healthy I felt good about myself.
In 1993, I got a computer and joined a live chat group, I think was called IRC (for Internet Relay Chat). I joined a group called 30's singles. It was there, that I felt safe and comfortable flirting with women. It was fun. I, (a male, 39 years old at the time) had never been married nor had a serious relationship. I had had sexual encounters a few times since I was in my twenties, but not a lot. It was on 39 singles where I met a woman, lets call her SWMBO ("She Who Must Be Obeyed" for those of you who never saw "Rumpole of the Baily" It should be said aloud with a shudder in your voice for full effect). Anyway, SWMBO was a very conflicted woman. We became a bit of an online off and on romance. We talked for some time on the phone, and spent a lot of time on "30 Singles". At one point I drove from Denver to Albuquerque over the weekend to see her. Over time, she slowly confessed things to me. (for instance she wasn't in her 30's, she was 41, she also confessed that she was married but separated (which I found out later was a lie). While she visiting me in my motel room she, at one point, laid on my bed and said "kiss me". I refused, since she had told me she was married (albeit separated). It (later) became apparent that she was looking for a husband before she was going to go for a divorce from her husband. Another time, she came to Denver and stayed with her son and DIL and we met up again for a nice dinner. (She we religious, and against premarital sex, but she had this son when she was 17 and still in HS). Again very conflicted.
Anyway, I kind of stopped having much to do with her because of her marital status. After some time (months) SWMBO showed up on my doorstep announcing she was divorced. She had lost a lot of weight and was extremely attractive. We started dating and getting sexually active. I was head-over-heels about her. Her sister lived in the the same city and hooked her up with an apartment management company, where she got a free apartment, and was the manager. Although we had some rocky times, I was in it.
In 1996, my dad died. I grew up with a great set of parents. My dad love my mom very much and would have done anything for her. We grew up in a very healthy lifestyle. I even felt guilty about my being depressed for all those years, because I later met so many people who have had such a hard time. We were white, dad was an engineer and made enough to support mom and us three boys. I was hurt. I went immediately to mom's house in North Carolina and we grieved with my mom, brothers, and other relatives who came to support us. I was on the phone with SWMBO every day. During one of the conversations, she told me she was going to go on a date with Bob. A guy she had met there. I asked her why she would tell me that at this time and pointed out that I was grieving the death of my father. I just couldn't understand why she would tell me that.
In 1998, I lived in what we call the "foothills" which is the flat plains area east of the Rocky Mountains. I saw an opening for a job on (what's locally referred to the Western Slope) and drove 5-1/2 hours away to talk to the hiring person about working for him. It was a higher cost-of-living area and would mean more pay because it was considered a hard to fill position. I was offered the job (partly because I was the only candidate). I took it. When I got home I told SWMBO that I was taking the job and she could move there with me if she wanted (mistake number 53, I think). Anyway, we moved. After we got there, SWMBO started talking about how she would have to get a job, and I would need to start helping out with some of the housework. I was like, whatever, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. She kept putting off trying to get a job. We found a house we both liked and I bought it. After closing, she got all pissed that I had not put her on the deed. (She didn't even come to the closing. Obviously she would have had to sign a lot of closing papers if she was going to be on the deed. Anyway we were in that house for a year. and she started talking about how we weren't married, and that her son was giving her crap about it be it being against the Bible or some such thing to live together out of wedlock. She also adopted the saying "You can't have the milk if you don't buy the cow" (or however that saying goes). So she said we have to get married. I was like "whatever". So we did it. We had a ceremony at the house inviting friends and family. I number of my relatives came a lot because it was such a beautiful area and a very touristy town. This was in 1999. Later, she started talking about how she felt that this house had bad juju. She could feel. She even invited over some people she had met from church and they "could feel it too". Yes it's obvious I was an absolute simp. But she was insistent that we get another home. I was just like: "whatever". I know you all see it coming. She wanted to get on the deed.
In 2001, there was another job opening back in the foothills that would have been a promotion for me. I applied and got the job. We now moved back across the mountains. SWMBO and I had stopped having sex not long after we got married. She was controlling and I had lost all attraction for her. I was just living my life and supporting the dead weight. It was like being single only cost a lot more money. SWMBO, over the years, had started touting that she was a housewife. I earned the living and she would take care of the house and my needs. She started out washing and folding my laundry making dinner and keeping the house clean. She slowly tapered off, complaining that I never put my clothes away, etc. She eventually quit doing my laundry altogether. She started making less meals (she never made breakfast or lunch). It got to where she would say that since I got weekends off, she felt she deserved weekends off and I had to figure out what to make for dinner. But even during the weekdays she would say something like "I'm having a protein drink and you're on your own for dinner". She would make a dinner maybe two or three time a week. She also started saying we needed to hire someone to clean once a week. Basically, though, no one was good enough for her.
Now her oldest son let's just nickname OS (he's another side story I can tell about at a later time) lived in the same city as us. He was a bodybuilder and a big womanizer. One of his women moved in with him. She had been in prison (another side story) and after she moved in, she was getting custody back of her son. When she told him that he kicked her out. Let's call this woman MH (for meth-head). MH somehow found a place she couldn't afford. SWMBO hired her to clean once a week at our house. She actually did a very good job (I just don't know where she got her energy (lol)). MH was getting evicted. She wasn't looking for a new place to live very much and SWMBO stepped in. Dragging her out to look at apartments she couldn't afford. SWMBO finally said we would have to put MH up until she found an apartment. Now we were stuck with her and her son. (PS MH was not a very good mother.) This was sometime in 2018 or maybe early 2019. I had again lost a lot of weight (dropped from 255 down to 175 over the course of a year.) My health we extremely improved. I was as happy as I had been since 1989.
PART 2:
I was turning 65 (it felt like a big milestone for me), I had decided to retire the month after my birthday, I was getting a pension after 28 years with the same organization, it was the year of SWMBO and my 20 year anniversary of "blissful" marriage. On the day of my birthday, SWMBO's niece (let's call her "Niece", was visiting us from the western slope. SWMBO was planning a birthday celebration that night for me. It came. SWMBO was not very happy. She was kind of making her day miserable. She decorated. We had a pretty bad "party". At nightfall, Niece and I started listening to music on the back patio and drinking. (I have always drank every day after work. I am not a mean drunk and had never been mean or abusive). After her son was in bed MH joined us. SWMBO stayed in the house and stewed. At one point she got angry with MH and said she was going to get out. (I never wanted her to move in in the first place, but I was hard-pressed to kick her sone to the curb). The three of us sat out on the patio until the wee hours (maybe 2:00 on the morning) having a grand old time.
(sorry it's taken so long to get here).
In the morning, I got up around 9:00 a.m. My wife was pissed at me and told me that I had to kick MH out. I told her "no". (maybe the first time I had ever stood up to her). She was MAD. She asked "So your siding with her over me?" I said "yes". I never saw her so mad. Just anger in her eyes. She hauled of and slapped me as hard as she could. I have never slapped or fought anyone in my life, but I slapped her back. HARD. That made her even madder. She was seeing red 100% (for John that translates to 1M%). SWMBO then hit me VERY hard on the side of the head with a closed fist. She was still trying to fight me and I grabbed her and held her off. I absolutely lost it. She later said that I had her in a choke hold. I don't know but she finally stopped struggling. I started cursing her out loud (which I never did before, and telling her all the things wrong with her. She went and sat down at the dining room table, totally deflated. MH and Niece came out of their respective bedrooms to see what all of the commotion was about. I went and got SWMBO's gun and hid it in the shed. I called 911, had second thoughts and hung up. Then called and hung up again. I didn't know it at the time, but if you call 911 and hang up, it puts them on high alert and the sheriff's office came out (so did EMT). They interviewed every one in the house about what they saw and heard. I was in a daze, but told them everything as I recalled it. I told them that she hit me with a closed fist. They asked me where, but I said I didn't know exactly, but that I had a headache that seemed to come from right on the left side of my skull. I also mentioned that I wasn't prone to headaches. The one shining light was that when they talked to SWMBO, she admitted that she hit me first. I think they would probably have believed her over me if she had not said that. They hauled her off in handcuffs and had her put on an MRO (Mandatory Restraining Order). She had to spend the night in jail, and couldn't come back home.
The sheriff deputies told me I could go to the emergency room at no cost to me. I declined. Five days later I was still acting dazed and confused. I mentioned what had happened at work and some suggested I should maybe go to the hospital. I agreed and one of them took me there. I was in and out surprisingly quickly. An ER doctor saw me, and I told him about getting hit in the head and that I still had a headache. He asked me several questions along the line of whether I had fell down, and other things to help him decide how serious it was. I said "no" to all of his questions. He then told me that, based on my answers that I probably did have a concussion, but the questions were aimed at whether there was a possibility that something else may have happened. He said that there was no real way to test for a concussion and that my headache would probably get better.
It didn't, although maybe your brain eventually get's used to it. I don't know. But I kept having troubles. In retrospect, I don't think I should have been driving. I had about three or four accidents with the car. One time I hit a parked car and dented it by the front fender. I left a note with my name and number on it. They called me and I paid to have it repaired. Two other times I hit a curb and ruined a tire. One of them times, I just couldn't get the tire changed by my self (I later realized I was super weak on my right side). Another time, it was after midnight, and it just took me forever to get the tire changed. (That was a rental car and another story that I might tell in a different post).
I kept getting worse. Three months after the big fight, I decided to walk to a convenience store after dusk, to get some cigarettes. I was 100% (ie 10,000,000%) sober, but I had a VERY hard time walking. I didn't seem to be able to lift my right foot of the ground. I was stumbling around. I kept finding myself in the middle of the street and would work my way back. I finally made it there and back home. I walked up to my front door leaning against the house. I should have called an ambulance, but stayed home and drank. The next day, I was still bad off (MH had been telling me I should go in for a while). I asked her to take me. I got there, and told them about what had been going on. They did a brain scan. It turned out that I had been bleeding into the left side of my brain for 3 mos. (to the day). The surgeon told me that I was scheduled to have surgery @ 10:00 the next morning. The nurse taking care of me, introduced himself as "George". He said that a lot of people there called him "Beau". (lol it later struck me that I was being watched over by "Beau George". All you youngsters out there look up "Boy George" in your internet machines.) Anyway my headache started getting very bad. I told Beau George that I was having the worst headache in the world. That I couldn't stand it. (honestly, I finally realized about why sometimes people kill themselves because of pain). Beau George got me a prescription dose of Tylenol. I kept complaining. Eventually he told me that the surgeon was coming in to do the brain surgery. As I was being wheeled in, I texted my two brothers at 2:00 a.m. that I was on my way in for brain surgery (in case it wasn't a success).
Anyway, he had to cut a gash in my head and drill a hole in my skull. They put in a tube and a put a clear bladder on the other end which they put in my front pocket. I felt great. immediately. I had to stay in NTICU (Neuro-Trauma Intensive Care Unit) while the monitored how much blood was coming out every day. It had to get down to less than so much before they could remove the tube and staple me up. (the gash they cut open that is for where they drilled.)
Sorry.....not over. I got out on Thanksgiving Day of 2019. I felt GREAT. I made a turkey, and had just a wonderful couple of days. Then on Saturday, I was in the foyer, when I had a full-blown seizure. It was weird, the feeling before I went down. I came to, and had started trying to crawl up on an easy chair. MH found me and there was blood everywhere. I had full-on pooped my pants. It stuck to high heaven. She (MH) called 911 and they took me in. I was in the holding area for a vey long time. I had a robe on and took off my shit-filled pants and underwear and asked a passing nurse to throw them away. I finally got in and had to have same thing done all over again. The drain tube, the bladder thing 3 weeks in the hospital. I went through the exact same ordeal.

My mother recently passed around 3 months ago, and I can't stop blaming my brother and sister for her death. I keep thinking that if they did more or if they weren't so selfish then she'd probably be alive, even if only for a few more years. Even now, I can't stop hating them, because it seems like they've just abandoned my mom with everything moving on but they're already throwing away everything as if anything she had has no value.
Growing up, I was pretty much glued to my mom while everyone else went and did their own thing. I would accompany my mom to hospital appointments and meetings for things related to welfare, because we grew up poor as my mom was a refugee widow. I even had to do the paperwork for welfare and medical insurance around early middle school because my mom's English was not good, and she wasn't able to ask for help from her siblings all the time. My brother would've been the one to help, but he kept feigning incompetence or just outright didn't do the paperwork and my sister got married and went away. My brother wasn't really home either, he kept going to hang out with his friends and left me and my mom home together. My sister is around 10 years older than me, and my brother is 5.
My brother is an abusive monster in my eyes. As a small child he would physically abuse my sister and growing up, even destroyed her house out of rage. With my mom, he would always yell at her and say cruel things about her being dumb and that she should die. With me, he tried to kill me when I was still in grade school because I tried to get him to stop teasing me. He got mad when I tried to get him to stop, so he went to get his friends to come kill me that night that we had a fight. His friends didn't follow him, and he wasn't able to kill me that night because he got jailed for speeding.
When my brother came of age, he never left the house. He didn't even get a job until recently. He just stayed home playing video games and verbally abusing my mom and me throughout the years. He would take control of the biggest room and my mom would sleep in the living room, because she wouldn't sleep in the other room no matter what I did. If I moved her things to the other room, it'd be put back when I had to do errands for her, or myself, or when I was at Uni. I tried to keep her in her bed, because it's the type of bed that raises the head and massages the body with a remote, but my brother ended up stealing her bed when he moved into her room when we got swapped to a different house.
My sister is always siding with my brother, because he's the oldest son. He's the "Man" of the house so he has to get the biggest room, and basically be worshipped due to our culture. My brother would lie that he paid for everything in the house, and my sister would berate me about not helping out and yell at me to pay more. When it came to housing with the caretaker money, I would pay for the following: House bill that includes all utilities, grocery, medical, and car insurance. Basically, I paid for most things and my brother paid for the internet and phones, which btw he had the phone lines with one of his friends and his girlfriend and they didn't chip in for anything. I started collecting receipts and statements to prove that I did pay, but my sister kept calling me a liar.
My mom would often cry, about how her kids don't love her. She would run to my sister to get comfort or help when my brother was getting out of hand attacking her, but my sister kept siding with my brother and telling my mom to forget about it and let it go and let my brother have his way. He's a grown man and should be listened to. She eventually just had me to cry to, and even then she was scared to come to me for help because she was afraid I was going to yell at her. When she broke her phone screen, she was crying for a few hours while I was passed out from exhaustion and she didn't wake me up to tell me. She was so scared that it was broken, but it was just the screen protector that was cracked.
Seeing her cry was so painful, because I would never yell at her for something like that and I would've just bought her a new phone. The phone that she thought she broke was one that I bought for her, around $500. My brother would always give her bad used phones, but I wanted her to have something good so I bought her that phone when her old one broke, because she wouldn't accept a new phone until the old one stopped working. I didn't mind spending more money on a phone, even if I didn't really have much. Throughout all these years, from all of the abuse, my mom became scared to ask for help even from the child that has been taking care of her for the longest time.
I'm a lot like my mom, in that I stopped asking for help and basically just stopped talking. I stopped talking because the more you talk, the angrier my brother gets and if he attacks either me or my mom then he always targets the other one too. Sometimes it's better to shut up, to protect the one you love and yourself. I'm basically mute IRL if I'm not answering questions.
My brother's friends once tricked my mom in to selling drugs, more so threatened her and she's really gullible. It was when I was still a kid. All my brother did when he found out was yell at my mom and then went on to play video games with those friends. I ended up having to help her get rid of them with her, because no one wanted to help. That was one of the most terrifying times of my life, scared to get killed because my brother's causing problems again. My sister didn't even care. Not her problem, thus she didn't bother. Sadly, after that, my mom became super addicted to the drug and would often partake in smoking it.
The smoking caused my mom to have a lot of lung problems, which eventually lead to her death. Her lungs collapsed and she eventually choked on blood and died during her sleep. I really did try to get her to stop smoking but would end up taking her to buy the drug when she started crying. I would always fold when she started crying, because I didn't want to make her cry anymore when she's already always crying because of my brother, and him causing trouble that needs to be paid off, and my sister, giving up on her. I would throw away the drugs, bargain with her to stop, beg her to stop, and so much more. Throwing away the drug was the most successful, but I just didn't have the heart to hurt her to let her keep crying. I did ask my brother and sister to help, but they didn't bother and just said that she'll quit when she wants to quit, or in my brother's case he just yelled at her and tell her to die.
My mom loved those two a lot. She didn't have much, but she was able to save money for them to buy a car. She celebrated my brother's birthday with his favorite food, she'd give up her food so that he can have something to eat because he's too lazy to cook, she paid is DUI bills, and basically worked REALLY hard to give him things. My mom helped raised my sister's children because she got too busy to raise her kids. We ended up raising one kid up to until she was able to talk and another for a year. The one that could talk even called my mom "mom".
All three of them are religious, but my mom is the only one who is truly nice and really wanted to go to church. To give her independence, I would let her go to church by herself while all other days I accompany her everywhere and to the hospital for her appointments. I wanted her to have one day that she didn't have to be reminded about how sick she was, so I made that deal with her and would wait patiently for her to get back home, and maybe go a bit crazy when she's late getting home. My brother went to church, baptized in a few months, and got a GF from church and then they both quit church. My sister goes to church because they help you. I don't go to church, because I want the weekends to relax because I already barely got any sleep as is with all the ER visits. Not too religious either, I mean God gave me a demonic brother and a heartless sister and I am not thankful for that. I will say sorry though, for the future religious woman who marries my brother and probably gets beat to death, because I'm not going to save you when I can barely save myself.
I don't view my siblings kindly, but everyone else does. People love my brother because he gives them stuff and takes them places... by making me and my mom pay for his bills... People will also overlook and ignore the abuse, because they want to keep getting free stuff, especially his religious people. My sister is the perfect daughter-in-law, but a terrible daughter who keeps having kids when she can't fucking raise them and an abuser worshiper!
I don't know, I feel like if they treated my mom better than she wouldn't have been addicted to a drug that ruined her lungs, that she wouldn't have been so depressed, that she would've been more willing to ask for help, that she'd eat better, that she'd slept better, that she'd had more to help her. Chances are, she wouldn't have choked to death if her bed was raised up, that she wouldn't have gotten Covid so early on because my brother couldn't stay home and needed to party, that she wouldn't have suffered so much in her life if they've just tried a bit more... or better yet if they were never born. My mom was only 62, she would've lived much longer with better kids.
Now I'm all alone in a world where people hate me. I'm scared. I don't have any job experience and my degree is too old to use, computer science though. I have to start from nothing, no job, no experience, no life knowledge, no future to strive for, no social skills, no family, no time to rest, and broken. All I really have is just hatred for my siblings. They keep telling me that it was her time to go, but if I ran them over with a car then it'd be their time to go as well. It should've been their time to go, not my mom's. I wish that I can just shut off my brain and stop thinking about everything, but it's been running non-stop telling me to hate my siblings.

I was a Shit person. Lie cheat home wrecker creeper manipulator dead beat father, make sure to include every color of "monster" paint. Now ,nigh 40, I know that the person I was is not who I am but that path was needed. I saw my toxic ways, I accepted the harm I had done. I have taken active steps to change my behavior. Every thing you read here may be karma for 15 years of asshole....This is Me.
My path of shedding the old man is 10 years in the making. Lets step back to Oct.17 2020. Fort Wayne ,Indiana.
I ruined my legal name at 18, this has lead me to the underworld/street lifestyle for income. Needless to say this comes with its own dangers. I was doing well had a lil saved up, great gig unloading a truck and not asking questions. Then this 18y/o punk takes from me while I slept! I'm trying to not be the old me, I failed. One of my codes is "Pacifism: just don't touch me or the ones I love". I broke My vow and there were repercussions and dire ramifications. Wrath filled me and I acted on it. The reaction was being jumped by 3 of his boys with bats. Broke both hands, left arm, 9 stitches 25 staples along my skull. I feel great regret, not at my injury but at my weakness in the face of tribulation. A lack of integrity. Corrected and punished I tended My wounds lamenting and re dedicating myself to my vow.
Im not from fort wayne, Its very difficult to tend your wounds solo in a strange land, I cant get much stranger. I find monsters will welcome you in just to allocate play things. False game playing drama mongering grown ass kids. Recovery was torture.
Lets jump forward to Feb.2 2022 . I'm at a beloved "brothers" house. Its in a bad way. Muskegon is a dark place. He is High on multiple things, in a fit of fury, putting his hands on his girl. His sister tried to check him, Now she is the target and he proceeds to take out all his familial trauma out on her. There are 3 other males blind eyed and deaf ear, then clear in my head "We must fear the acts of evil men, MOREOVER we must fear the indifference of good men". (yeah boondock saints)
The Abuser had paused and I took the time to tending his sisters wounds then proceed to arm myself. Centering my courage, focus then confront him. I'm not a specimen of prime male...and he An Adonis. I feel it was a valiant attempt even though it ended being pistol whipped with discharge, i.e. a point blank shot to the side of my head.
I fell, vision blurry and shrouded in grey. She is kneeling over me, blacked shroud obscuring her form, Lady death. A starkly cheery musical laugh, sharp against the Shade washed background. Akin to dozen wind chimes on a blustery day, asit ends color returns to my sight. I shudder and sit up. No one is aware there is a round lodged in my skull.
I'm lucid and functional. I wrap my head and get one of the people there to take me to the Er. I walk in and in form the nurses I had been jumped at a fictional location (at the time no snitching was a thing) and stick to the story until the cat scan me and find the bullet. Immediately A LT. detective is by my bed, requests my cell phone. I take the opportunity to tell the truth. Resulting in a team going to the actual location arresting the Abuser and saving all abused.
18 months bed rest, nerve damage ,depression , relationship strife.... Whats 15 x3....... I find myself more functional than I deserve, as I try to claw off the miasma of doubt and depression. I strive every day to not be angry at still sucking air. Relearning how to walk in the light again...

As a birthday gift for my younger brother who turned 21 last June (a couple weeks AFTER EDC 2023), I was taking him to EDC 2024 after he expressed interest in wanting to go. I made an Early bird deposit when they became available in May/June 2023 for him, myself, and our sister to go to EDC 2024 where all expenses were going to be paid for him (and sister). Why?! because I’m a dope ass older brother and I wanted to introduce them both to the spectacle, eye-opening, and mind blowing world of EDC.
Fast forward to last Friday, May 3, 2024, my sister informs me after I leave work that she is at the hospital ER due to our brother being involved in a motor bike accident. Initially scared and panicked for his life, I very quickly turned angry as it was found that he was being irresponsible, immature, and reckless by trying to escape police for reasons unknown. I can only be angry with him because thankfully he escaped a potentially life threatening crash that left him with a broken femur, fractured hip, and moderate damage to his right hand all of which required surgery. Obviously his injuries confirmed that he won’t be traveling to and attending EDC this year.
Due to the unexpected timing (literally two fucking weeks away from being at EDC in person after a year long wait and months of planning), I need to sell his wristband and shuttle pass since his injuries prevent him from doing much indefinitely.
Seeking $950 for VIP Wristband and $350 for Premier RIO shuttle pass (6:30 pm to 3:00 am). Prefer to sell both together but open to selling separately for price listed or better offer. Will mail items free of charge OR meet in Las Vegas on May 16- 17 prior to EDC.

Feb.2 2022 . I'm at a beloved "brothers" house. Its in a bad way. Muskegon is a dark place. He is High on multiple things, in a fit of fury, putting his hands on his girl. His sister tried to check him, Now she is the target and he proceeds to take out all his familial trauma out on her. There are 3 other males blind eyed and deaf ear, then clear in my head "We must fear the acts of evil men, MOREOVER we must fear the indifference of good men". (yeah boondock saints)
The Abuser had paused and I took the time to tending his sisters wounds then proceed to arm myself. Centering my courage, focus then confront him. I'm not a specimen of prime male...and he An Adonis. I feel it was a valiant attempt even though it ended being pistol whipped with discharge, i.e. a point blank shot to the side of my head.
I fell, vision blurry and shrouded in grey. She is kneeling over me, blacked shroud obscuring her form, death. A cheery musical laugh and the world regains it color, I shudder and sit up. No one is aware there is a round lodged in my skull.
I'm lucid and functional. I wrap my head and get one of the people there to take me to the Er. I walk in and in form the nurses I had been jumped at a fictional location (at the time no snitching was a thing) and stick to the story until the cat scan me and find the bullet. Immediately A LT. detective is by my bed, requests my cell phone. I take the opportunity to tell the truth. Resulting in a team going to the actual location arresting the Abuser and saving all abused.
18 months on bed rest, nerve damage ,depression , relationship strife (left cause i couldnt provide). I find myself more functional than I deserve, as I try to claw off the miasma of doubt and depression too walk in the light again...Thank you for reading

Hey everyone! This is my first time posting so please be gentle. I wrote a lot but only to vent and give context to the reason I’m asking the question.
So, I, 42 am a divorced mom of two biological boys (14&17). I met my now ex husband through bumble in 2019. I had been single for about 8 years at that point, had done a lot of self work, and was ready for a partner. In walked this guy, he checked a lot of the boxes I had although he wasn’t super cute and his sense of humor was hurtful (that second one should have been a red flag). He had three boys around my sons’ ages (now 13,16,19). His oldest son has severe autism with violent tendencies and the mother was suffering from pretty severe cptsd from him and had stepped back from taking him when I came into the picture. At the time my ex told me she was a shitty mom who just didn’t care about her son. I was gutting and it hooked me. Having work in the disability field for years before I became a hairstylist I knew I could help. Looking back it’s clear to me I fell in love with his children while settling for him but I digress.
There were things throughout the relationship that I felt were off but back then I loved painting and I painted every red flag the greenest color I could find! Everything started going south not long before he proposed. His mannerisms started changing, his personality and need for control increased and my voice got smaller and smaller. He went from be a moderate to a Trump loving conservative almost overnight. I had moved into his house a year in and had to beg for any space within it. It took 6 months to get a closet! I had mentioned to him early on I wasn’t interested in marriage and at that time we were on the same page. Two years in and he started dropping hints and I knew if I wanted this relationship to continue I would need to concede the marriage argument. At this point I thought that as long as things stay the way they are I would be ok with it. A few days later I see he ordered wedding bands off Amazon. I started to panic. Now to be fair to my ex I did tell him I didn’t want a fancy ring or a wedding but to put it on our joint Amazon account was weird, right? I told my mom about it and she caved and told me he was going to propose at the beach when we planed to go down just the two of us. I remember feeling trapped but knew I would say yes because to say no meant the end of the relationship. He proposed with a photo album of our five boys holding will you marry me signs. It was really sweet albeit really sloppy and seemingly last minute.
After the proposal I felt better. He seemed nicer, kinder, and happy and it put me on cloud nine.
Then wedding planning started. As I had stated before I told him I didn’t want a wedding but said I’d agree to do a court house thing and then have an epic party afterwards. He played to my empathy about my 80 year old dad wanting to walk me down the aisle. I wanted to pick a date a year or two out and he again used my dad’s health as a reason to do it in under three months. I know now that it was because he couldn’t keep up the mask for much longer. The entire wedding planning was done by me, for a wedding I didn’t want. I even bought a dress that I had no interest in buying all for him to have a second big wedding and he couldn’t even give input or help out in any way!
The day of the event he comes to me and says he has picked the song he wants to walk out to and it was “someone to bleed on” by The Rolling Stones. I explained that I’ve conceded everything for this wedding for him but I had chosen a song to walk in and out to and didn’t want that song. He changed it anyway so minutes after saying “I do”, blasting all over the loudspeaker is “we all want some to bleed on”. Nice. So very nice.
Two weeks into our marriage and I was still feeling off about the idea of being a wife. I had never nor had ever planned to get married but I was convinced it was just in my head and I’d settle down. That weekend we were headed to his brothers house for his moms birthday party. Ten minutes in and he had jumped onto the kids zip line and smashed into a tree snapping the rope and his collar bone in the process. The following weeks were of him getting as high as possible on pain pills and waking me up every ten minutes to help him with something. Going back to the doctors and pretending to be in so much pain that they gave him more. Mind you I’m caring for five boys, a household, oh and did I mention I own a salon suite too? It was madness. After two weeks of little sleep and too much simpathy, I was coming down the stairs in a rush because I had woken up late to find his oldest son (with autism) trying to give himself his liquid meds because I had sent him down to my ex to give him his meds before school. He had tried to wake him but couldn’t and didn’t want to get in trouble for not taking his meds so he tried to do it himself. For context, it’s a high powered sedative that in the wrong dose could kill him. I was livid. I snapped and shouted at the ex. I told him if he couldn’t get his shit together I was going to have to reach out to his family for support. He flipped out throwing things and yelling that I have betrayed his trust. He then proceeded to call and text me throughout the day while I was with clients to let me know how horrible I am. Next text would be I’m sorry. I’ll do better. The usually bs weak men give when they’ve been called out. I finally responded when he suggested I hold his drugs and give them out when it was time. I responded that I have enough kids to parents and didn’t need a sixth and that if he admits he has a problem with his addiction he needed to handle it. I’m a supporting role not his caregiver and nurse. This made him snap. When I went home that night I tried to explain that addiction was his responsibility and I’d be by his side every minute while he fought it but that it’s an inside job to fix and I wasn’t going to help him continue to abuse them or switch to a child/parent role to take care of him.
Three months later I had to have a hysterectomy. By accident the doctors found tumors and all sorts of fun little things in my lady bits. The surgery was five hours long due to the damage from end stage endometriosis. My ex had a work event about 45 minutes away from the hospital at Top Golf and asked me if I minded him going while I was in surgery. I didn’t have an issue with it but asked that he keep him phone on so I could reach him. He said he would. When I woke up he wasn’t there. No biggie. I didn’t expect him to be. I ask for my phone and try and call him. No answer. I try a few more times before calling his mom to see if she had heard from him. She told me he had said the nurse told him I’d be there for several more hours so he turned his phone off. I guess because I refused the pain meds after surgery I was able to go early. My demon in law snapped at me for being impatient (right…after…surgery). My ex got angry at me for my huffy post anesthesia voicemail and refused to speak to me on the ride home and made sure to hit every pothole just to show me!
Now I could go on and on but for the sake of the post I won’t. Just picture a year of that over and over again and you’ll get jest of my marriage. If I moved an item in the house I was wrong. If I questioned his opinion I was wrong. I was mocked by both him, one of his brothers, and his mom. While the rest of the family were lovely, I couldn’t understand why everyone found my exs behavior acceptable.
The final straw for me was after my dad was diagnosed with stage four esophageal cancer. He had been through radiation and chemotherapy and was super weak. We admitted him to the ER as one does. The outcome wasn’t looking good. I was spending every minute of free time with my dad. In truth, I was a little neglectful of my family but I felt it was warranted given the situation. My dad was moved to a nursing home 40 minutes away after 6 weeks in the hospital. He was delirious , bed bound, and incontinent. During his hospital stay his pressure sores got so bad they were to the bone. The patient to nurse staff was deplorable and my poor sweet dad was being neglected so my mom, sister, and I took turns being there to change and care for him. (spoiler* as of this post he is 81 and cancer free. Still bed bound but he’s alive and getting better every day!) During this time my ex would get upset that I wasn’t around. He would pick fights and get the kids to chime in making me feel guilty for seeing my dad over my family. When I would ask them to come only the boys would. My ex, the one time he came kept looking at his phone and ignoring everyone like a sulking teenager. One night on my way home from seeing my dad I was crying on the phone to my ex. The evening before my dad has an episode of sundowning and smashed his forehead with the metal pole used to hold his feeding tube food. While trying to tear the tube out of his stomach the pole came crashing down on his face. He should have gotten stitches but by the time the nursing staff checked on him the bleeding had stopped. Seeing him like that, this strong sweet gentle man, I just broken down. My ex, out of the blue offered for us to bring my dad home to live with us and before anyone asks why my mom couldn’t take him, she has (and beautifully I may add) but when all of this was going down she was having health issues of her own plus given her age us siblings felt better if she wasn’t the primary caregiver if possible.
To say I was elated was an understatement. When I got home that night I was so full of love for my ex. We had a long conversation about what it would mean for us and it was decided that night. I called my mom excitedly to tell her the news. My mom and I started calling around to get a hospital bed, in home nursing care, the works. A few nights later I’m talking my ex about all the things my mom and I had set up that day when he gets quiet. By this point in our relationshit I knew what was coming; he then tells me that this is moving too fast (although this situation had been going on for months and the topic of parental care responsibilities had been discussed throughout our relationship ad nauseam). An argument ensued and something in me that night snapped. The last string of love was cut. I stopped speaking. Days go by and he asked me what it would take for me to get back to normal. I tell him until he is willing to go to therapy with me and make the changes necessary I don’t see this working. This man took a whole ass month to finally agree and by that time those 30 long no talking days showed me just how little I meant to him. The day he agreed to therapy he packed his three boys up and headed down to his mother’s beach house while I was at work, leaving my oldest home and left out. My son who he promised to adopted and said he saw as his own. My son and I sat in that house that night dumbfounded. While down at the beach he over drafted our joint bank account for tires for his truck when he knew the joint account was for bills only as we keep our bank accounts separate. He stayed an extra day and didn’t bother communicating anything. When he got home we got into a fight after I wasn’t bounding down the steps to see him. He blew up at me about not wanting to file taxes with him because he owes a lot of back taxes and this man says “then what’s the point of even being married to you?” I left that day.
He took his sons and left and I got a U-Haul and hauled it out of there. I left everything I couldn’t fit into that thing. For the next two months I received no less than 80 texts and 10+ calls every day from my ex. Meanwhile I’m trying to find a place to live, buy all new things, and transition my sons and my step sons to this new normal. In between him calling me he got ahold of our phone bill (my hair clients and friends) and started calling anyone he could to slander my name. It was hell. He was drinking and I’m sure using drugs. He used his family to get information out of me. I was a mess. I finally filed a restraining order when he went to rehab in hopes of sending a clear message to be left alone. The week before a state trouper had put an extreme PO on him after finding him drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor with loaded guns around. (This is a daily thing in our house by that point, finding loaded guns around and taking the firing pins out to make them useless after years of trying to keep them secure.)
We were officially divorce after he got out of rehab. Thanks to my mom’s insistence on a prenup I didn’t even have to be at my own divorce because he couldn’t get anything from me or my business. The protective order was in place and I was feeling good about things. Once or twice I’d see a truck that looked exactly like his drive by my street. The state trooper who had put the ERPO on my ex had warned me to install cameras so I have them out all over my house.
It’s been just over a year since then and my life is worlds better now but I just received notification that my ex is trying to shield my protective order. The order is over now and because it wasn’t violated it won’t be renewed. So here’s where I get to my point, my PO isn’t the first he’s received. To my knowledge he has had four that are known. Four he has shielded already. If those women were able to keep them from being hidden I would have seen them when I did a back ground check on him. #onlinedating So would I be the asshole for pleading the court not to shield the order? He has a high paying job and his field of work in no way would be impacted by this. Just in case you want to make a claim for that.
And in case you were worried about his boys, we see them all the time thanks to their mom and her ptsd has been much better and she was able to regain full custody of their oldest. She and the boys are a blessing to our lives!

No, Ezra and Sabine would not be a “ship”
To qualify the title, no, Ezra and Sabine do NOT absolutely have to be a couple, but if they were to become one, it would NOT be a ship. A “ship” is a relationship that’s rushed and/or forced with no real development. Ezra and Sabine’s relationship has had years of development. Could they remain as simply friends? Yes, but ironically, it was their “friendship” that felt like more of a ship. It felt like the Ahsoka show, helmed by Dave Filoni, was going out of its way to tell us: “no, they’re not a couple, they’re just friends.”
I believe that Filoni made some very poor writing choices to stress something that didn’t really need to be stressed, such that it almost felt like he was in denial. The line “I love you like a sister” was never in Rebels, Filoni essentially had that retconned in, and like many I was put off by their (largely) emotionless reunion. Even if they were “just friends” I believe there would be a great deal more emotion displayed between two people that hadn’t seen each other in some ten years, especially when one of them was in a precarious situation when they parted. I also believe Ezra would be far more curious about Sabine being Force sensitive, perhaps even offering to help train her when she told him that her training hadn’t gone as well with Ahsoka. He did help to train her with the Darksaber, didn’t he? Why that never came up is another discussion, but for now, let’s focus on shipping.
In case you think I’m desperate to have them as a couple, no I’m not. I’m about the furthest thing from it. Like many millennials and Gen-Z’ers (and perhaps some Gen-Xers and boomers) I DESPISE shipping. Absolutely DESPISE it. With a flaming passion. Perhaps for this reason, and maybe some others, like many millennials and Gen-Z’ers (and perhaps some Gen-Xers and boomers), I’m generally wary of nearly all romance in fiction, and generally avoid it in my own work. The sad reality is that romance is perhaps the most abused genre in all of fiction, all throughout history. It has been so badly abused that many people, including myself for the longest time, have equated romance with shipping, though I’m slowly beginning to see that they are not the same thing, and one does not necessarily have to go with the other.
But sadly, many writers, through time immemorial, have not been able to separate them, going back into ancient times and perhaps even into pre-history, that is before languages were actually written down. Some of what is considered great literature; classics like Romeo and Juliet, are predicated on shipping, though at least the consequences of this “whirlwind romance” are shown to be fairly stark. Star Wars itself is no stranger to shipping, resulting in a very awkward incestuous kiss when Luke was shipped with Leia, then Leia was placed with Han and Lucas made Luke and Leia brother and sister, apparently having forgotten his original ship. Later Lucas essentially shipped Anakin and Padme, resulting in some of the most cringeworthy dialog in the history of film. Many fans of the Prequels even have been somewhat critical of Anakin’s portrayal, particularly in regards to the “romantic” scenes, with many describing them as “creepy”. Some have speculated that this was intentional, though personally I think it was just the result of bad writing on the part of George Lucas, and an impatience on his part for Anakin and Padme to become a couple, hence “shipping”.
One might wonder why this is so prevalent in fiction, and tragically, one does not have to look far. Fiction is merely a reflection of reality, therefore the reason that shipping is so common in our stories is that we fall so easily into it in real life. Indeed, entire cultures may be based around shipping, or at least very heavily wrapped up in it. Throughout history arranged marriages have been the norm, and the idea of marrying for “love” is something relatively new. To be fair, I’ve actually met people in arranged marriages who seemed to be fairly happy, but those same people were very open in telling me that many despise that aspect of their culture, and that it is quite normal for those in an arranged marriage to try to get out.
People might come together for “love” without marrying, but even then it often creates expectations that might turn into a burden. Even when a marriage is voluntary and for “love”, people are often left unsatisfied, such that today in the West the divorce rate is something like 50%. Happy, stable, long term relationships seem to be the exception across cultures and across the breadth and width of time. And yet pursuit of love and some kind of relationship seems to be the highest calling for many people, both in real life and in fiction. And it could be that the accumulated disgust is finally starting to boil over.
To be fair, this may not be the first time in history that the pendulum has shifted. You may recall that in Victorian times attitudes changed drastically, as compared to the previously bawdy Elizabethan times. Looking at a play from Shakespear, if you can understand the language, you’ll see all kinds of vulgar references, as well as what I believe are fairly sappy romances like in the aforementioned Romeo and Juliet, though I can’t say for certain whether Shakespear was actually endorsing that type of attitude towards “love” or presenting it as a cautionary tale, maybe even something to be ridiculed in some of his other plays.
But regardless, Victorians as you may well know had a very conservative attitude towards anything to do with romance, and would often avoid the subject in many places, or tread very carefully around it, as if walking on eggshells. It’s not that people stopped being romantic, in fiction or real life, but it was treated as something very serious and even dangerous, with many urges repressed or even suppressed entirely. This had all kinds of effects on society, both positive and negative. On the positive side, it reinforced the ideal of people being committed to their partners, and of marriage as a sacred institution rather than a “casual hookup” as was more common in Elizabethan times. Likewise it reinforced ideals of modesty and chastity, which may be coming back into vogue, though under different names. But just as there were positive aspects to these attitudes, so were there negative ones.
Just because the urges I described were repressed did not mean that they disappeared. In fact, they often morphed into things that many would consider “unhealthy”. From one statistic that I saw, in Victorian times about one in every 60 houses was a brothel, with the modern rate being closer to one in 6000. Additionally, the rights of women were often repressed, such that they could not fully express themselves and find their own identity, and path in life, as individuals. Just as Elizabethan ideals gave way to Victorian ones, so did the Victorian ideals gradually begin to erode.
Perhaps it began with the Jazz Age of the 1920’s (the “Roaring Twenties”), or with the increased interconnectivity of people traveling to different parts of the world during World War I, not to mention the cynicism that pervaded throughout the West in response to failed old ideals leading to the deadliest war in history up to that point, but many Victorian ideals began to be seen as a joke, and even resented for their “oppression”, which to be fair was not entirely unjustified. But regardless, people gradually, and at times not so gradually, became more and more “liberated” and promiscuous. This culminated in the Sexual Revolution in the late 1960’s, when what had previously been seen as a vice and even a sin was now seen as not only “normal” but as a healthy form of expression, a virtue even. And just as these ideas were embraced in real life, so too were they reflected in our films, TV shows, and other media, often to the consternation of older people and institutions, like the Vatican. The Catholic Church even went so far as to “ban” certain films, that is to declare them immoral for good Catholics to watch. Many of the films that were banned back then, or at least controversial, like The Graduate with Dustin Hoffman, are fairly tame by today’s standards.
It continued through the 70’s, at times warming and at times cooling through the rest of the century, until you could argue it reached a kind of crescendo in the early 21st century with the advent of so-called “dark romance” and the publication of books like Fifty Shades of Grey. (Ironically, many of the themes within this “dark romance” can trace their roots back to the Victorian era, yet another indication that repressing urges without addressing them often doesn’t work out as one might hope.) But as happens all too often, just as something reaches peak popularity is when it begins to go out of style, and that is what we may be experiencing right now. As weird as it may sound, we may actually have come full circle and may be on the cusp of a “New Victorian Age” (complete with “dark romance”, even). Web sites like Porn Hub and OnlyFans, as well as other similar sites, may be the new “brothels”, and what was once openly celebrated may be going underground, to an extent. The effects of this on society have been interesting to say the least, and at times I would even say bizarre.
Whilst many younger people seem content with these changes, many older people are concerned. I’ve seen a number of books, films, and other media receive positive reviews for example based specifically on their lack of romance. Many of these books/films, etc. fall into the “young adult” category, meaning that it is young adults obviously who mostly consume them. At the same time I’ve heard a number of older people, mostly boomers and Gen-Xers, criticize these same books/films for their lack of romance. Even some older millennials seem upset by the changes, as perhaps evidenced by Jennifer Lawrence’s latest film No Hard Feelings (though to be fair that film may be lampooning the older generation’s frustration as well as the younger generation’s frigidity). So just as in the past older people were concerned about the promiscuity of the youth, now it actually appears that many older people are concerned about the youth’s lack of promiscuity.
Who could have seen that coming? But to be fair, the younger generation hasn’t gone completely frigid. As stated earlier, much of the promiscuity has gone “underground”, or online, which many would argue is not very healthy as it might undermine actual relationships, whether they are romantic in nature or simple friendships. And speaking of that, friendships within stories nowadays often aren’t portrayed in a very authentic or compelling manner, perhaps because in ditching romance modern writers haven’t quite yet learned how to replace it with something else. In other words, the “New Victorian Age” may not be an exact repeat of the previous one, but may have its own twists and turns, for better and for worse.
This may all essentially be a manifestation of the Human Condition, in that we just can’t seem to find a happy medium, neither in real life nor in fiction. Thus we keep swinging from one extreme to the other, apparently getting wilder with each swing.
So where does all this leave us? What is it that we really want in our lives, and in our stories? Especially in regards to relationships? I think at some level we all want to see good and healthy relationships between people and/or characters, whether romantic or platonic. I believe at some point we would like to see good examples of both friendship and romance, and I would argue that the best examples of romance have them combined. Even a toxic relationship, if well portrayed or documented, can be instructive and serve as a good example of what to avoid in our lives that we might be happier and relate better to each other. A good relationship, by contrast, can give us something to aspire to and inspire us to not only look for the right kind of person to complement our lives, but to make ourselves worthy of that person. And here I’ll add that I’m perfectly aware that in real life (and thus in fiction) relationships can be very complicated and heavily nuanced, with elements of both “good” and “bad” in them. Just as people change over time so can the relationships between them change, at times getting better and at times worse, sometimes breaking entirely and sometimes growing stronger. Relationships can have just as many layers and dimensions as characters, more even perhaps, and a skilled writer should be able to reflect this complexity. At other times a relationship can be fairly straightforward, simplicity sometimes being the best approach. But regardless, the audience should be able to relate and identify with what they are seeing, such that hopefully they can incorporate the lessons from it in their own lives.
Where can we find good examples of relationships to study? There may be a number of them in the real world, but the trouble with studying real world relationships is that they’re often much more complicated than fictional ones (just as real people are more complicated than fictional characters), and for many of them it is almost impossible to know all the details and nuances because they are often kept private, understandably so, and even if they aren’t it can still be difficult, due to unique circumstances, to see how to relate them to our own lives. Additionally there may be far more disagreement about a real life situation than a fictional one, with many more points of view. To keep things simple, for the purpose of this article I would like to focus on fictional relationships. (And fair warning, there will be some spoilers.)
One of the best places to look, I would argue, would be the films of Hayao Miyazaki. (And this is pretty significant to Star Wars as you will see in a bit.) A film of his that stands out to me the most is Princess Mononoke. Like many of Miyazaki’s films it has elements of romance, and yet subverts them in a way that makes complete sense and feels very genuine, without taking away from any of the accompanying charm. It starts with two young people, San and Ashitaka, and as soon as they encounter each other there is a kind of expectation of romance. This may be inevitable to some degree when you have a man and a woman of about the same age encounter each other in a story, especially if they happen to be adolescents. The expectation may not be inherently bad, and Miyazaki does play with it. Both characters are thrust into dangerous situations, at various points end up saving each other’s lives, and at a certain point I think it is obvious that they have feelings for each other. I was certain that at the end of the film, they would be together, and if things had gone that way, it would make complete sense. Instead, they go in different directions, but remain good friends, and considering their backgrounds and differing worldviews, this ends up making even more sense to the story.
Essentially, Miyazaki could have gone for the more conventional, tried and true “love conquers all” narrative, where the characters’ feelings for each other would negate everything that comes between them, they would somehow find a common ground in spite of their differences, the romance would not only take over the narrative but somehow also solve all the problems in the story, and then the couple would live “happily ever after”. Such an approach is not inherently bad or wrong, and is fairly common in Western media and storytelling. We can see it in films like Fern Gully, and more recently James Cameron’s Avatar, both of which have been compared to Princess Mononoke. As you can probably guess, the problem is that at a certain point such a narrative can become fairly simplistic, and lack nuance.
Miyazaki’s films, by contrast, are very heavily nuanced, and are anything but simplistic. In Princess Mononoke the characters San and Ashitaka don’t help each other simply because they are “in love”, but because it is the right thing to do, regardless of how they might feel about each other. Yes, romantic feelings are certainly alluded to, but they are not essential to the plot, for it could have worked just as well without any romantic allusions. And ironically, this makes those allusions even more valid, even if they are unrequited. How so?
Consider that if love is essential to a given narrative, is it not relegated to being nothing more than a plot device? Again, this is quite common in Western media and storytelling, and is not inherently bad or wrong, but when it becomes a trope or cliche, I believe it is the essence of where shipping comes from. Many storytellers get caught up in this, usually without realizing it, and while a story can still work even with shipping, I believe that it usually works that much better without it.
This extends not only to Miyazaki’s handling of romance but also to other things like environmentalism, the conflict between man and nature, and the contrasting ideals of human progress vs. preserving the natural order. Movies like Fern Gully and Avatar, as already mentioned, handle these themes in a fairly simplistic and I would even say hamfisted manner, whereby all progress and technology is shown as being inherently “bad” and in service to “evil”, while everything that’s “natural” is shown to be inherently “good”. Even our notions of good and evil, and right vs. wrong, are challenged by Miyazaki, with nearly all of his characters having complex motives and multiple dimensions to them, as well as understandable reasons for doing the things that they do. Rarely can any one of his characters be branded as a simple “villain”, and rarely is any one individual the source of conflict in his stories, again in contrast to most Western narratives.
I’ll reiterate once more, a simple, straightforward narrative is not inherently a bad thing, whether the themes being dealt with are romantic or anything else. Sometimes it is in fact the best approach. But the best stories in my opinion are usually the most nuanced, that challenge our notions of what we believe to be true, and that force us to think about what we do with our lives and what we could do differently. To that end Miyazaki introduces all manner of themes and motifs within his films that are familiar to us but shows them in a light most of us might not have considered, thus giving more dimension to our understanding of things.
“How is any of this related to Star Wars?” you might ask. It is quite related, and you don’t even have to look all that closely to see it. A very influential figure within Star Wars was very heavily inspired by the works of Miyazaki, and that figure is Dave Filoni.
This video shows the connections in some detail:
https://youtu.be/Q_4L0BbSpHo?si=04jDo6qFCnZT135w
But to summarize if you’ve seen any of Miyazaki’s films, especially Princess Mononoke, I think the callbacks in Filoni’s work will be all too obvious, especially in Star Wars Rebels. Some of the scenes in Filoni’s work look like they were taken directly from Miyazki’s films, and many of the same themes and motifs often come up. The relationship between San and Ashitaka I would argue is very similar to the relationship between Ezra and Sabine, and not just because both couples rode wolves together.
Incidentally, Dave Filoni was also heavily involved in Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I would also argue was at least to some degree inspired if not by Miyazaki then by Japanese anime in general. The relationship between Aang and Katara was developed with great care and was allowed to build very slowly, as opposed to simply shipping them. Likewise other characters very gradually developed as individuals and in their relationships, at times stumbling as they did so, and making mistakes, before finding their way back to the right path.
All of this is in stark contrast to George Lucas, whose character development is often very rushed at best, and at times some might say almost non-existent. So essentially, even though Lucas has said that Filoni has been “like a son” to him, and I believe referred to Filoni as his “padawan”, I would argue that Filoni is ultimately as much a student of Miyazaki as he is of Lucas.
Again, you might ask, “What does all this mean for Star Wars?” It means a great many things. It means that Dave Filoni has taken Miyazaki’s lessons to heart, and can handle things like romance, as well as other kinds of relationships, quite well most of the time. Like Miyazaki he can play with romance, tease the audience with it at times even, leave the romance unrequited, and yet still have it feel satisfying. A prime example of this is the love triangle that Ahsoka was involved in with the young Separatist Senator, Lux Bonteri, and Steela Gerrera. As wary as I am of romance and as much as I despise shipping, love triangles I normally despise even more, but this one seemed to actually work. It never took over the main story, and even though Ahsoka’s feelings were ultimately not reciprocated, she still learned from the experience, and grew and developed further as a character because of it. The other characters involved in this triangle also grew and developed from their involvement, though unfortunately not all of them made it. All in all it was a good bit of storytelling and gave the audience something to consider.
When a relationship in one of Filoni’s stories does bloom into a full blown romance he also generally handles it quite well. For one Filoni is sparing with actual romance, so that when it does occur, it can be that much more appreciated. And rather than rushing or shipping it, Filoni normally takes his time to build it up. An example of this is the relationship between Kanan and Hera. Some might argue that this is perhaps the best developed romance in all of Star Wars, at least in Canon. Built up over four seasons, at times it wasn’t certain whether it was a romance or a friendship, or perhaps even a professional partnership. Perhaps even the characters themselves were not certain, though it was hinted all throughout the narrative that something was going on. To this day I don’t believe anyone can say definitively when it became an actual romance, and I believe Filoni did this intentionally because he wanted to be subtle, rather than making things too obvious and having the romance take over the narrative, as it usually does. When it finally did become obvious as to what was happening, it felt very much earned, in a way that is seldom accomplished in other works of fiction, including Star Wars.
The relationship between Ezra and Sabine was also fairly well written, for the most part anyway, at least in Star Wars Rebels. Ezra was almost immediately smitten with Sabine, but being a young teenage boy, it was understandable that he would feel that way about an attractive girl. Over time he learned to see her more respectfully, as a colleague and even as part of his adopted family, not just as a pretty face. Sabine for her part found Ezra annoying at first (c’mon, what teenage boy isn’t?), but as he matured and she found out more about him she came to understand and respect him more, and see him as a friend and almost a brother, with there being potential for something more.
There were times when the relationship could have been better written, like in the episode “Blood Sisters”, where Ezra was written to be a bit too immature to make Sabine look wiser. But overall, the bond between them developed fairly well; both saved one another at various times, and took risks and made sacrifices for each other’s sake. Both reassured and comforted the other when they needed it, and it was endearing to hear their banter when they became more familiar and trusting of each other.
So why then was I so disappointed in how they were portrayed in the Ahsoka show? The thing is, after how well their relationship was built up in Rebels, as I’ve already mentioned it was strange to see how lackluster and uninspired their reunion was.
Within the Ahsoka show itself Sabine was shown to be almost obsessed with finding Ezra, living in what used to be his home, watching a recording of him over and over again, and calling out his name as she woke up in the middle of the night. She even risked bringing Thrawn back into the Galaxy, which ultimately happened, just so she could see Ezra again. After all that, when she finally does encounter him, her reaction seems fairly casual, as does his, as if they’ve been apart for no more than a week, rather than 10 years. Not too much happens between them afterwards either. Like I said Ezra does not appear all that curious about what happened with Sabine, how she found him, and how it was that she was now Force sensitive. Sabine likewise did not seem curious about what had happened with Ezra, and how he had gotten away from Thrawn. And with Ezra rescued and returned home, suddenly it didn’t seem as though Sabine was all that interested in him anymore, nor he all that concerned with her, though they were just as far apart as they had been at the start of the show. To be completely honest it made me wonder what the point of the whole show was. Were they just working to set up Thrawn’s return to the Galaxy? As some have said, Ezra felt like nothing more than a Macguffin in the show. Was Sabine and Ahsoka’s search for him just a plot device?
Considering how skillfully Dave Filoni had written his stories in the past, what happened in this latest project of his does not make much sense. Was he so concerned about “shipping” and so desperate to avoid it that he inadvertently “shipped” them in the other direction? Was there some sort of external pressure on him about how to write this story to have more of an appeal to “modern audiences”? Maybe some combination of those factors?
And here I’ll add that when I say “modern audiences” I don’t mean that in a contemptuous sense, though you may think I do. If there is any contempt on my part it is for those in charge of telling our stories, or those in charge of those telling our stories, who do not seem to grasp these basic truths. The truth is that audiences at their core don’t really change throughout the ages, only superficially so. Trends come and go but certain truths and ideals are eternal, and universal. How people relate to each other fundamentally does not change, whether they are friends, or more than friends. And deep down, I believe everyone (or nearly everyone at least) wants the same things. Nearly everyone at some point wants some kind of a connection with another human being, to know that they are not alone in the world, and to know that there is someone else who sees and understands things as they do. While this desire can certainly lead to abuse, and absolutely has, it is still innate to us and is not inherently wrong. Finding ways of connecting and relating to other people is one of the great challenges of life, but many would argue it is the most worthwhile of challenges. It may be the whole point of life if you think about it. As complex as it may be, many would argue it is what makes life worth living, and likewise makes for the best stories. Just as it may be the whole point of life many would say that is what most stories are about at their core: people trying to relate to one another.
Sadly, just as in real life, most stories unfortunately don’t quite get it, and the Ahsoka show in my opinion was an example of this, made all the sadder by the fact that Dave Filoni had done quite well with these characters up to that point. We may never know for certain what exactly went wrong and why, or if it can ever be “fixed” at this point, but I can’t help but feel curious. Maybe in the future Filoni will find a way to make it make sense, but I’m not sure how. And to be completely honest I don’t feel quite as enthusiastic to find out as I used to.
Also for the record I would like to add here that there are other factors that put me off from the show, such as Sabine’s Force sensitivity, that came about without much build up. But in this article I specifically wanted to focus on shipping because there seems to be so much misunderstanding around it.
I hope that I was able to clarify some, if not most of this misunderstanding, so that people could better appreciate what shipping is, where it comes from, as well as what it isn’t. Many people today are understandably sick of shipping characters, myself included. But I hope people realize that in overcompensating for something, we often come back around into the very thing that we are overcompensating for. Or sometimes, into something even worse. This may apply to nearly every facet of life, by the way, not just shipping. Finding a happy medium in how we portray our fictional relationships may help us to better understand relationships in real life, as well as how to navigate them. Neither fictional nor actual relationships can ever be perfect but they can always be better. To this understanding then I hope that I was able to give my own modest contribution, and if nothing else I hope we can connect on that.

So, my first foray here was telling about my mom and her proclivity to never be happy for anything good. I have a vacation to Vegas coming, and the response as always.... "Must be nice!!!!"
I related that I do her shopping, cleaning, bills..the whole 9 yards. I have 3 siblings, but 2 don't even talk to her anymore.
Today I will tell the story of why my eldest brother doesn't talk to her.
My eldest bro and sister had one dad, her husband out of high school. My next eldest bro had his dad, I had my dad.
There are big age gaps between first 2 and second 2... 12 years. Me and my next oldest brother were the only 2 kids in the house as I grew up.
Anyway- we referred to first hubby as woodpecker. He was a red head. Growing up, whenever mom was on the poor me train, she would talk about how her first hubby abused her. She would point to her small pox/polio vax scar and say he put cigarettes out on her. Always beating her. So on and so on. I heard about it usually when she was drink9nf, which was frequent. She was quite the alcoholic.
Oldest siblings still kept in touch with him, eldest brother lived with him for a while.
He passed in the mid 90s. Eldest siblings got all his stuff, cleaned the house out, and away they went.
In the house they found many important bits of paperwork. It will come in to play soon.
Eldest bro gets married (again). Mom, who always gets drunk at these things and goes "poor me", was seated with extended members of the woodpeckers family.
The poor me stories start.
My brother hears her trash talking to his own family, and that was it. He told her to kick it off and hasn't talked to her since. That was 2012.
... the paperwork they found.....
Arrest reports- mom getting busted for hitting him with plates and coffee mugs.
Detailed documentation of how she ran off with another guy, and would get drunk and call woodpecker and the kids at all hours of the night.
At the same time, she was torturing the other guys' wife- actually showed up at the door demanding to be let in. Cops were called, she was arrested.
Photographs of himself with police reports, with photos of the items mom hit him with.
3 separate sets of bills from the ER after she took off after him.
Her stories were utter bullshit.
The kicker? She is still mad at my brother for "making her look foolish".