Hi guys!
I would like to have an advice from you guys for a hardware/software setup. Our company is operating excavators and we would like to have cameras on the excavator arms in order to have better visuals. Also we would like to stream videos on our site, to give direct advice how to handle certain materials.
We know that there are already OEM solutions but they are very expensive, bad image quality, poor latency and are not able to stream. On behalft of my boss i was contacting companies in our area, but they only offer CCTV solutions. E.g. we are using AXIS cameras to monitor some stationary machines, but the latency is not good enough. That is why the only solution are machine vision cameras. So I decided to investigate and build it myself. This are my thoughts so far:
Hardware (Just a brief investigation, I will contact the supplier for better selection): To visualize in the cockpit of the excavator and stream it on site
Option 1
-Thinkpad notebook with high brightness and GPU
Option 2
-Industry grade monitor and Nvidia Jetson (Orin, Nano, Xavier)
Cameras on the excavator arm
In combination with thinkpad
https://www.e-consystems.com/gige-cameras/ar0234-global-shutter-full-hd-gige-camera.asp
In combination with jetson
For distance under 15m
https://www.e-consystems.com/nvidia-cameras/jetson-agx-xavier-cameras/ip67-rugged-gmsl2-global-shutter-camera.asp?CS_Fps-Type=60fps&CS_Fps-Type=100fps&CS_Chroma-Type=color&CS_Shutter-Type=grr&CS_Fps-Type=200fps&CS_Fps-Type=300-2000&CS_Shutter-Type=Global&CS_Processor=nano&CS_Processor=orin&CS_Processor=xavier&CS_Processor=orinnx&CS_Processor=orinnano&CS_Processor=nx&CS_Processor=tx2-nx&CS_Interface=gmsl3&CS_Interface=gmsl&CS_Interface=gige
For distance over 15m
https://www.e-consystems.com/gige-cameras/ar0234-global-shutter-full-hd-gige-camera.asp
The mounting and installation of the hardware components is not my biggest concern as I guess companies like e-consystems or Basler could help me with that. But implementing the software depending on the platform is my biggest issue as I dont find nothing fitting.
My key questions are:
What kind of sofware do I need to show the video directly on the screen? How can I stream the video into the network with the lowest latency as possible? What kind of software do I need to show it on a normal PC in the network with the lowest latency?
Thank you for your help!

I recently got rejected for an academic scholarship at my current school and I still haven´t gotten over it because I feel I deserved it so much. Every time I try to study I remember about it and end up resenting the school. I feel as though they do not value me and this was a great opportunity for me to get some recognition from the school since I work so hard for it and I participate in every competition they offer, one in which I spent 6 hours on a saturday, just to finish it which no one else did.
A little background information: The other person who got it, has never participated in any school competition. They also found some of the exams we took for that semester on google and used them which is why their grades were so high. However, the person that did this is sort of my friend so telling, is not an option
Also, there was another values scholarship which my bestfriend got for doing sport, which I also do, except for another sport they do in summer, which lets say I can´t afford.
My best friend has recently bought a new house, and they are tellling me all the details and how its going because they are so excited. So, they recently told me that the scholarship was of great help since her parents can finally buy the tile they wanted.
I try to be happy for her but I am growing spiteful since they school is getting more expensive and my parent just told me we might be moving into a smaller house where my bed and our sofa would not fit anymore.
It is just becoming really hard to be supportive knowing I needed it so much more and my best friend got it too, not needing it as much. Also, it bothers me because she never wants to study and has failed some of her subjects whilst all I did was study so I could get something good like a scholarship and I ended up with nothing.
I feel as though the school is getting too expensive for my parents and I feel under valued by the school and resentful for their decision which is keeping me from studying.
However, I´ve been in that school for all my life and I am in a really good place with all my friends and work right now .I also have such a hard time making new friends and don´t think I´ll be able to in my last two years of school. Maybe I am just overeacting from the rejection.
I don´t want to make the wrong choice and regret it. What should I do?

Hello everyone, im just wondering if a 40% mark on an assignment constitutes as a fail for that particular assignment? Essentially the assignment was worth 20% of the overall grade and the basis of myself receiving the mark was that although the assignment was very discriptive— it lacked critical thought. It was 1200 words in total. Im also contemplating an appeal for the assignment in hopes to get a passing grade for it. But I just want clarification since I come from the US and I noticed grading is done much differently here where a 40% back home would really mean that you practically did not even attempt to do the assignment or you wrote nothing related to the topic.

TW: brief mentions of depression, suicidal ideation, and attempted suicide
When I (28F) was growing up, I was the golden child of the family. I didn't know it back then. Up until I was in high school I had a younger sister and an older half sister I only saw a few times a year. It wasn't like I never got in trouble or got yelled at, in fact I have a very vivid and hurtful memory where I was called a liar by my parents when I was being 100% truthful (they just didn't want to hear it and wanted someone to be mad at I guess), and then I was told to just "suck it up and get over it". But compared to my younger sister, who was compared to me in every way, I always had the perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect behavior, etc. Our parents, especially our mother, who was the main parent taking care of us during the week, pretty much pitted us against each other constantly. My little sister was being told she needed to be more like me, and I was told my sister was a bad kid. I would try to help her stay out of trouble as a kid and would get mad when she didn't listen to me because i didnt understand she was just being herself and didn't need to be exactly like me. Up until college, I didn't understand that my sister didn't need to change, she needed her parents to love her as she was and help her instead of trying to mold her into some ideal of perfection. We were picked apart constantly about every little thing we did, and I was expected to always somehow know everything even if I'd never learned it before. My house was full of constant yelling due to the extremely high expectations and my mother's terrible temper, and it became a very stressful place to be starting when i was around 10. We went through a lot of financial hardships as well since I was very young, so I dont want to dismiss how hard things were for my parents and how much they went through. But I have always been hyper aware of how much it costs for me to exist as my mom stressed so many times over the years that she couldn't afford to buy even a new shirt because she had to buy stuff for us, as if that was at all our fault.
When i was in high school, my baby brother was born. He pretty much instantly became the new golden child, not only because he was the youngest and the only boy, but because it became clear at a very young age how intelligent he is. I was a straight A honors kid and he was blowing me out of the water since he learned to read. I didn't mind at all because 1) I was going to be going to college in a couple years, and 2) with our age difference, he was as much my son as my brother, and I took on a very loving parental role with him of my own volition. I also saw the promise in him and I wanted him to live a happy life. My little sister and him are very close to this day, at least to my knowledge. During this time they were still coming down really hard on my little sister, treating her as well as they always had - meaning they still yelled at her constantly and were overly critical of her and everything she even thought about doing. They talked about sending her to military school more than once, and pretty much resigned themselves to the idea my sister would never be able to live on her own before she even got to high school, let alone graduated.
Flash forward to when I was in college, I started coming home and noticing things about how my parents treated my sister, and for the first time I saw it for how terrible it was for her. The distance and time I spent away from the house helped my little sister and I completely change our relationship by my second or third year. What really solidified it was a series of events that happened my junior and senior years of college.
My sister moved to our town with her husband with their 2 very young boys, and we soon found out she was pregnant with twins. That is kind of where it all began to fall apart. Time showed not only that her husband is a massive pos, but also potentially abusive, although we never got concrete proof. As my sister's pregnancy progressed and they struggled to get on their feet, my parents started watching my nephews for hours at a time, sometimes the whole day. And if my parents had to babysit out of nowhere and put their lives on hold, me and my younger siblings were expected to do the same. No toys, no books, no games - nothing. Essentially, the entire house was expected to babysit in a way that i have been told wasn't normal. Even my little brother was expected to take on this role in caring for kids who were only a couple years younger than him. I spent my entire childhood taking care of my little sister and then my baby brother, and I hated seeing how they were doing the same to him when me and my little sister were at the age where it shouldve been left up to us. I started really butting heads with my parents as the situation progressed because they started yelling at my baby brother when the boys would even bump their heads even though it wasnt his fault. He never mistreated them, hit them, pushed them , or anything, so my parents justified it by saying he wasn't being a "good uncle" by "letting them" bump their heads on the tv stand, for example. He was expected to let them play with all of his toys, and my mom tried letting the boys use things that were very important to my brother, which would've ended up with the boys taking those things home. Saying it that way makes it sound a lot more mild that it was, but I'm trying to save time and not give out too many personal details. I guess you could say in short, my parents began expecting my elementary school age brother to give up his time, his space, his toys, his gifts - anything that meant anything to him, to help care for children when he was still a child not much older than them. I ended up giving my baby brother my room to not only keep his stuff in, but to sleep in.
In the end, my sister had the twins and then moved back to her home state about 6 months later. We think her no good husband lied to her about us and she cut contact with all of us, and we haven't heard from her since. In our house, the damage was done. I had long conversations with my little sister when our parents weren't around about how she needed to get out because of how they were treating her, and how I would eventually graduate and move to a city where I could find a job. But neither of us wanted to leave our little brother in that house because we were worried how they would treat him when we both left. Our parents had already proven they would throw any of us to the side at any second, even their golden child baby boy, and blame even him for anything that went wrong. Our parents have a history of spilling all our business at any holiday meal and badmouthing any little mistake. They would talk shit about us in front of us and shame us in front of family our entire lives, and if my sister and i weren't there to take the brunt of it, how long until they turned on my baby brother. Would they even wait until he wasn't "perfect" anymore?
Throughout all of this, I was struggling a lot in college, and starting around junior year i became very depressed and suicidal, which resulted in a major attempt in my 5th year of college, which to this day i don't like talking about. Before that, however, I went to my mom about feeling depressed and told her i thought i needed to talk to someone. She brushed me off. I was dumb enough to think that maybe she thought i was exaggerating, so i tried a second time to ask her for help about a year later, and she brushed me off again. Part of me blames her almost entirely for my attempts, because i came to her before any of them because i knew thats where it was headed if i didnt get help. All she had to do was make a couple phone calls to find me someone to talk to and she couldn't even do that for me. I was a scared girl who needed her mom's help because i didnt know who to turn to, and she turned her back on me. After my final attempt, I pulled myself up and got help, but my financial aid ran out and I was unable to return to school and finish my degree, so I went back to my parents house and was absolutely miserable for the next 6 months. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't "perfect" like i was supposed to be. I felt suffocated every single day and like the only ones who wanted me there were my siblings. One day I tried a little experiment and sat in the living room with my mom for the entire day and she didn't say one single word to me, didnt even acknowledge my existence. Ever since the stuff with my nephews happened, I had doubled my efforts to protect my siblings and take the brunt of my mom's anger, so I pushed back a lot when they tried to get onto my siblings for ridiculous things. I ended up ghosting my friends for 3 months because I was so depressed, and it really scared them. It was then I knew i had to get out of that house or it would kill me, so I moved into my grandparents' house a town over.
Things at my grandparents' house started okay, and i was even able to confide in them what had been going on at my parents' house, which in the end turned out to be a big mistake. I got a job working overnight at a retail store and met the guy who is now my boyfriend of 3 years. Unfortunately, the longer i spent at my grandparents' house the more i saw where my mom got it from, and they ended up treating me just as bad as what was going on at my parents' house. The only difference was that my sister wasn't there so i was taking the brunt of all of it. When things started getting tough for them after my grandpa retired, instead of sitting down with me like an adult and asking if it would contribute financially, my grandpa cornered me in the car when he was driving me back from work and guilted money out of me with a sob story. And guilted me at the dinner table the second time when they needed more money. One time i walked in the house after work and before i had even taken my shoes off or put my purse down to get my wallet out, he blocked the door to my room with his hand out like a loan shark to give him the money. I payed for all my own expenses, took short showers and kept as many lights off as i could, and told them not to buy me anything, even food. And in the end, even though they guilted me for money, then more money, and promised they wouldnt kick me out, they sold the house out from under me when they knew i was still trying to save for an apartment with what little money i had left a month. I ended up having to live with my best friend and her husband or i wouldve been homeless. I still helped them move even when they f-ed me over. And even after all that, I still went to holidays and visited my parents from time to time.
The last time i saw my grandparents they ran into me and my best friend in a store. My grandpa saw me first (he and my grandma were in different parts of the store), and starting yelling at me for pretty much cutting them off since i hadn't been to see them for months, and then when he started realizing he looked like the bad guy tried to make the reason i stopped talking to them about politics (i live in a conservative area) as if that would justify it. When my friend and i were trying to grab one last thing before we left because i was humiliated and trying not to cry, my grandma cornered me at the deli counter, had me pinned between the counter and a cart so i couldn't leave, and started yelling at me too. I was so broken back then, but i tried to tell both of them i would talk to them but not in the store. They just wanted to scream so we left. I haven't spoken to them since and have no plans to.
Eventually i moved 2 hours away back to the city i had went to college in. During that time, my grandparents drove the 3 hours to try to find where i lived, and then called trying to get me to come downstairs. I was asleep for work at the time but it made me feel so uncomfortable that they would do that. And after living there a year and my bf and i commuting to visit each other every other week, it came to the point where if i wanted our relationship to continue i had to move back. This is not something he ever brought up to me, this was a decision I came to on my own. So two years ago I moved back to the area I grew up in. We live an hour away from my hometown and 30 minutes away from the town i met my boyfriend in. And although he has family in both areas that we visit, I haven't seen or really talked to my parents or siblings since i initially moved out of the area.
A year ago, after a year of silence from me and from my parents, I dropped a box off at my parents' house when they weren't home with souvenirs i got them on vacation when i first moved back, short letters to each of them about the gifts, and a long video letter on a flash drive explaining everything I felt because i knew i couldn't go on without being honest and i knew if i tried to have a conversation in person, they wouldn't listen to me. I told them i wanted to keep them in my life but i couldn't ignore everything that had happened and the ways they treated me and my younger siblings. I told them i had no interest in continuing a relationship with my grandparents and that anything they have told them probably wasnt true. I sent them scans of my diaries as "proof" that i wasn't lying because that's the kind of house i grew up in - if you couldnt prove it, it didnt happen. I laid myself completely bare so that i could heal, knowing the whole time they may never want to speak to me again. I gave them pictures of me and my boyfriend and my new phone number anyway. The only thing i didn't give them was my address because we live on his family's land and his family, knowing a bit about my family and also about my grandparents essentially stalking me, don't want anyone from my family nosing around on the property. I don't want that either so i agreed not to give it out. The people in my life who knew about the box and the letter turned video letter were supportive of the idea given all i had been through, and I thought dropping it off would be the end of things.
Since then, I have healed from everything that has happened. I'm still angry and sad and i feel like I'm grieving every day, but I'm not the spineless, scared girl i used to be. My boyfriend has helped me become a better person in so many ways. But i still miss my family, especially my dad. I feel like he didnt deserve what i've done for reasons i cant go into, because the reality is he depends a lot on what my mom tells him because he works, and he trusts her deeply. I feel like in some regards he depended too much on her word, although he isnt completely innocent. There's obviously a lot more to my story that what I have here or else I'd be writing an autobiography, but just know if this all sounds like it isn't a big deal, I have so many stories and so much more detail that isn't safe to give out here.
The reality is my parents and i pushed each other away until we all became strangers long before everything blew up. I felt like a stranger from the time i left for college. I was made to feel like if i wasn't at home, i was a second thought, and a lot of very serious issues happened while i was away that i didnt find out about until i came home. My last year of college i was physically starving and could only afford to eat one meal a day if that. When i had left for school at the beginning of that school year my mother made it clear i had to figure it all out myself because they had no money to give me, but then i came home for Christmas and everyone but me had all new electronics. I cried asking for money to buy my uniform to start my campus job but they bought all new computers and tablets. And that stung.
Last Christmas, my parents and siblings messaged me. It was the first time I had heard from them since before i dropped off the box. It was just a Merry Christmas, but it absolutely shocked me. And then they all messaged again on my birthday. Same thing, just little pleasantries, but it makes me feel like maybe that door isn't closed. However, I have absolutely no idea if we can move forward, if they want to, or even if its a good idea to try. I have struggled a lot since college about whether or not all of this and everything I wasn't able to share here is or is not a big deal. I've had people close to me listen to my whole story and call it emotional neglect and abuse, but I just don't know. I feel crazy most of the time, and I'm afraid I'm exaggerating or making it up for attention or something, which also doesn't make sense. I struggle a lot in my day to day. I am ruled by the emotions of those around me and i cower like a kicked puppy when people around me are upset, even if its not my fault. I get ashamed when i make a mistake or i'm not "perfect", and if my feelings are valid I have no idea if it would be a good idea to get back in touch. But i think about if/when my boyfriend and i get married, and how i have no family to sit on my side. It sometimes feels like it's my fault because i wasn't strong enough to just shut up and deal with it anymore. At this point I dont know what is the right answer, what's going to finally give me peace. For now, I just keep moving forward trying to build a better life with my boyfriend and hope all the pieces will fall into place later.

My father and I have a lot of communication gap, i try to communicate to him but all he does it ignore and keep giving his opinion which i do appreciate but he never really considers my words.
I got my results day before yesterday and I knew i wouldn't be able to do much good because of the problems i had been facing during my exams but i was glad that i did pass.
I have to select colleges and my father keeps showing me that he has to search for 2nd and 3rd tier colleges just because I didn't do well.( although never spoke directly) but his actions does hurt me, rn I was trying to tell him what i really want to do and what college i really want to go but he kept scrolling on college advertisement and kept ignoring my words as if they meant nothing.
I know its my fault that i didn't get good grades to get a 1st tier college but trust me when i say I cried in my exam centre because of severe panic attack (my parents don't know about it because the reason of these attacks have another traumatic experience of mine and they hate talking about that experience)
fast forward now, after my result day before yesterday, my relatives call to my dad and ask about it and he hesitates and just tell them the truth in front of me say, "she didn't do that well" and not for my sake tell them how much i have suffered to even get that, well not that he ever cared to ask if i am even suffering.
I told him yesterday crying loud that i am frustrated from entrance exams and I don't want to do it anymore but all he did was to sleep right after that and wake up in evening saying "my child can not give up that easy"( it may sound like motivation) but let me tell you, I have given more than 10 entrance exams and feel terrible cause for studying exams, i am reminded of the day i cried in my centre and how i sucked my exam, It horrifies me every time i pick up the book and get headache thinking about it. But he really doesn't care and i can prove u how, 2yrs before exams of 1st tier college started he was like "focus on your goal" (which he meant to get into that college) once those exams ended and i said i couldn't get any he said "get this- that (2nd tier) college" And i know its okay for parents to say that but he never. NEVER asked me if i even wanted to go in that college or if i even have any dream college or not, it was always his favourites.
My father have always showed himself as the most supportive father and let me tell you I feel like i am caged in this house and the only way to free myself is to get a college far away from my house in another state or something and uk i can guarantee I'll be in my best productive phase once i get out of this house.
Ik my father has done a lot for me and is still struggling to provide the necessity me and brother needs but I have started feeling as if he is wanting things from me in return and if i am unable to he starts showing how much of a burden i am to him( i can see through his actions every time i disappoint him through my marks).
TLDR :I don't know if i am the toxic one to think so bad about my father or he's like every other parent who creates cold environment if their child doesn't perform ( and trust me i HATE myself thinking so bad about my father but i couldn't stop but feel anxious every time his actions shows me how worthless i am) I so badly want you to tell me i am taking my father's behaviour in wrong sense cause am exhausted crying last two nights about my situation

I’m doing possibly the first and only truly brave thing in my entire life. After years of therapy and work, I’ve reached the point where I can no longer improve without dropping my shame, ignoring stigma, sharing my story, and seeing the results instead of imagining them. Years of holding this in due to the fears that come with sharing have affected my mental health far more than any repercussions that could arise from sharing. So here I go.
When I was a young teenager, I was kicked out of private school for something I didn’t do. There was no advocate at the school; I had no counselor present to side with me. My parents were out of the country, so I literally was dismissed from school with no investigation whatsoever, no school board meeting, and no one to support me. I sat at home alone for a week before my parents returned from their trip.
The allegations that were made against me started form a vindictive peer that started rumors for who knows what reason. He decided to tell anyone and everyone that I got a girl drunk and took advantage of her. It was untrue, but the girls parents freaked out and ran with it, and the school only wanted to cover their butt. No only was it untrue, but the parents filed a complaint with the sheriff, who then investigated. I was brought into a police station at 16 to give my statement. When I finished, the deputy laughed, threw it away, and said, “You have nothing to worry about, your statement was exactly the same as the girl’s”. I did not know before then that she had already come in and given a statement. This girls bravery and telling the truth potentially kept me from facing lifelong legal repercussions.. from a rumor.
The biggest downside of all of this is that I still do face lifelong repercussions, though they aren’t legal. It’s been nearly 20 years and the rumor of being a rapist still follows me and haunts me.
I then spent the remainder of the semester working as a drop out. If I switched to public school, they were on different credit scheduling and I would have graduated an entire year late. During this time, I found out that Sumrall was still transitioning to the new system, and i could theoretically transfer and graduate on time, but it wasn’t my district. I personally made the phone call to the superintendent, and i personally got the special district exception. I transferred to Sumrall the next semester, made excellent grades, graduated on time, went to college on scholarship, and all because of my own actions. I’m not nearly that strong anymore; but I was driven back then and I didn’t let it stop me. In fact, through all this story, I can only think of one person that deserves some of the credit, Felicia Harrison, the former counselor. Thank you, Mrs. Fe, for being the only person who made an attempt to be a student advocate and care for hundreds of kids as if they were her own.
I’m still not recovered from this trauma. You can’t imagine what it’s like to lose every friend you have in a day, and then spend the next several formative years shunned as “the rapist”. If my story tugs any heart strings, then please support advocacy. Our students always deserve an advocate. Our addicts deserve an advocate. Our vulnerable and vets need advocates. Anyone can find themselves in need of a friend. Support advocacy.
I hold no ill-will towards the parents. Many details did not come out until later. I did not know that she had given her parents an excuse and they did not know we went as a date. From their perspective, their reaction made sense and I’d have done the same in their shoes. The fault here lies with the countless people that allowed this to happen to a 16 year old without any thought for the 16 year old.

Kind of long, but any advice or input would be greatly appreciated :)
I (22F) have been working in fast food/ retail since I was 17 and I’m finally ready to take that leap to leave my current job and find one that will help advance my career and give me at least some financial stability. I also live in NorCal for context (not sure if I’d be willing to move quite yet.) I’ve been at my current retail job since 2021 and was honestly just going to stay there until I was completely finished with college but I just received my AA and the current management im under is so difficult to work with and extremely offensive I can barely take it not to mention I’ve been in management for about 2 years now and have gone from at least 20hr a week (part time) to less than 10hr a week, less than some associates and they’re all 3 hour shifts so I’m not even allowed to take a 10min break though im not even sure if that’s legal??
I am very fortunate to not have to pay rent as I live with my parents and I only have to worry about paying for my car, gas, phone, school, necessity’s etc. So no rent is a life saver in this economy. With that being said I don’t necessarily need the highest paying job quite yet (willing to work my way up or gain helpful experience) though that would be ideal for anyone. I just want to be able to find something that fits with my personality/ needs and also doesn’t care the way I look. I know sometimes you have to do what u gotta do but I cannot take working somewhere I’m miserable at and I understand that is a privilege within itself so I’m just trying to use the time I do have to really find what I’m passionate about and not be scared to try new things.
I still want to go back to school to get my bachelors degree since it’s always been a dream of mine, but since I pretty much pay for everything out of pocket besides some degree of financial aide, I don’t want to just aimlessly transfer somewhere with no clue on what to study which has been my issues for some time. I feel like my interest haven’t changed much and neither have my dreams to further my education so I’ve pretty much been saying the same things since probably before high school and I still have no clue what exactly the direction is I should go. I would love to gain some first hang experience to know if getting my B.A. is even worth it for the field I want to go into or what major would benefit me the best.
I have many interests and ideas as to what I could possibly do but I feel like as much as I say them out loud no one really relates so I always feel alone or like there’s no possible job for me that I’ll feel happy in. I mean I think majority of people would rather not work and focus their lives on their hobbies and passions but unfortunately that’s not in the cards for most people and though I sometimes live in that dreamland that doesn’t change the fact that I’m extremely dedicated, hard-working and really want to make a difference in whatever field I end up in. So I guess I’ll leave a list of the things I’m interested in, in case anybody has some advice or input on any occupations I’ve listed or have experience in anything I’ve listed.
I guess another thing to mention is that I was recently applying to a lot of jobs in childcare and pretty much every interview I went to turn me down on the spot because of my appearance. Of course I hear the stories of looking less professional due to your tattoos, piercings, etc., which I never understand. I don’t even have a single tattoo or piercing, not even my ears, but I have bright pink hair and that has been such a downside for the interviewing processes, even some retail jobs like Box Lunch for example doesn’t accept colored hair when they’re literally a pop culture store and share the same company as Hot Topic. I don’t want to have to change my appearance for a job. I know it’s just hair but I was never able to express myself the way I wanted to and the amount of money and maintenance that goes with having colored hair would not be worth it to me to color black just to get a job. It would feel like I’m altering myself and changing something that makes me feel good about myself is unfair and already puts a bad taste in my mouth about the company because they are willing to look over my qualifications and work ethic due to one minor detail in my appearance. One of these jobs I even had two on the phone interviews that went amazing and was going to my final in person interview and was literally meeting with a family for a behavioral technician job and the first thing they (the company) told me was I would need to change my hair to even be considered and I had to eventually politely end the interview because they still wanted to me to meet a kid despite straight up telling me they will not hire me if I didn’t immediately change my hair… and I’d be working with a family, not even in a ‘ public setting.’ I would just love to be able to work in a community that embraces people for their differences for the way they express themselves, and encourages self expression.
Anyways, here are some of my interests and I’d be eternally grateful to hear any feedback! Maybe you’ve worked in some of these environments and have advice or horror stories, if you have similar interests to me let me know what kind of job you have because I’m sure I don’t even know the formal titles to half of these jobs, or even have other ideas that match my interests. Thank you thank you thank you!

• A lost 22 year old just trying to find her way

TLDR: I have so many interests and have no idea where to go with my next steps in my career and schooling, and would love some advice based off of my interest and experience. My unnaturally colored hair gets me nowhere. My experience and interests are listed below.
My schooling/ experience so far: * 5 years of theatre under my belt (onstage/backstage/management) * Just graduated with my AA in Social & Behavioral Sciences (Random but was recommended to do so based on all of the same interest I told my counselor some odd years ago) * Most of my college classes were focused in sociology, psychology, and child development, which has been super interesting so I am willing to branch out from my interest because I did find a lot of interest in the classes I’ve taken previously. * Have worked in retail for four years; Pretty well received by people * A nanny to 4 kids (ages 4-16) for about 3.5 years as well
My personality: (not sure if this will help with knowing if I would be a good fit for any of the jobs listed )
i’m extremely bubbly and can have my extroverted moments, but I can also be introverted at times and when work needs to get done, I will figure out the best way to do it and get to work. I work pretty well with a team and always have ideas flowing and bouncing around, but I can also excel working on my own/have no issues being independent with my work. I don’t have a huge preference on a fast versus slow paced work environment. I would like something flexible, but I have no issue with getting into a routine. I feel like I am truly pretty flexible when it comes to my work environment, I just really want a place that I can express myself and be surrounded by a community of people similar to me. I love to be innovative and creative.
My interests/ ideas: (sorry kinda random and jumps around)

• always wanted to be a nanny or travel nanny; to work with one specific family and grow with them
• Pre-k - 1st grade teacher; I find teaching younger kids really fulfilling, love crafts/ activities/planning, extremely patient
• Art teacher (i love ceramics, but pretty much any type of art would be so cool to incorporate creativity with teaching)
• Child advocate (possibly on movie and tv sets)
• Teacher on movie and television sets
• Directing or any sort of behind the scenes job for movies and television (I love to write and create concepts, costuming, sets, music, casting)
• Set designer for movies, television, or theater
• Costume designer for movies, television, or theater
• Possibly work with an acting company backstage (I don’t even know if that’s a job but possibly a permanent backstage role somewhere)
• Open my own curated thrift shop or a shop in general that is really creative or theme oriented
• Have a small bakery business or just a business in general, I love the idea of being able to run a company or brand that’s inclusive and creative
• I do love to bake and Decorate desserts
• Creative Director; photographer, videographer; I just love the thought of creating things and bringing concepts together, planning, etc.
• Magazine company?
• Wedding planning/party and event planning; again, I just like bringing things together I feel like I have an eye for aesthetics
• Something with marketing or managing

As you can see, most of my interest have to do with childcare and the arts, which are some of the lowest paying jobs/difficult fields to get into, but it’s what I most passionate about and what I can actually see myself being happy doing for a long time. i’m also not opposed to working in one certain field for a while and then branching out to something different or related further down the line, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/fill, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/feeling useless.
Thank you so much to anyone who responds with advice and kind words :)

i swear to god every single time i accidentally bump into somebody in our crowded ass hallways, i go “oh sorry” and they say NOTHING. do you want me to die. be honest. that’s what you are saying when you don’t say anything back. you are saying you want me to die.
literally say ANYTHING. “sorry” “its okay” “you’re good” ANYTHING!!! come on people. this is why other countries hate americans (and racism and obesity and shit but also this)
like if i apologize for bumping into you and you don’t reply, my apology has been revoked. you dont deserve my apology, you imbecile.
and when my fifth grade bully didn’t acknowledge my apology and i screamed “DIE” in front of my social studies teacher the second the bully walked away, that was a genuine anger. SAY SOMETHING. ANYTHING. PLEASE. here’s a step by step instruction:
oh no! i bumped into you. i’m sorry!
a) it’s okay!
b) you’re good
c) thank you
d) oh, sorry!
c) walk away in silence
all of them are correct except c. just. say. something before i explode.

Does anyone here have any idea of a demon/spirit who can help me get my sister back on course. She’s 13yrs now, we lost our father back in 2021 then mom in 2023. Since then she been staying with my aunt and cousin between Boston and Chicago. The cousin in Chicago was physically abusing her so I called the cops so they have her with her aunt in Boston until waiting for the final decision from the court house after I asked my aunt to release custody so I could have her with me in FL. In the meantime, this kid has been giving them trouble after trouble. Her school grades are outstanding but ik mentally our losses have deep impact on her. Probably a billion time more than they have on me, yet I am on course. When I was her age I was nothing like that. Idk how to help her stay out of trouble while she’s so far away. Yh I did talked to her, many other family members did as well, so far…. No changes. So is there a spell or an entity to get her stay focus on school, behave properly, and no letting anything situation drowns her?

Kind of long, but any advice or input would be greatly appreciated :)
I (22F) have been working in fast food/ retail since I was 17 and I’m finally ready to take that leap to leave my current job and find one that will help advance my career and give me at least some financial stability. I also live in NorCal for context (not sure if I’d be willing to move quite yet.) I’ve been at my current retail job since 2021 and was honestly just going to stay there until I was completely finished with college but I just received my AA and the current management im under is so difficult to work with and extremely offensive I can barely take it not to mention I’ve been in management for about 2 years now and have gone from at least 20hr a week (part time) to less than 10hr a week, less than some associates and they’re all 3 hour shifts so I’m not even allowed to take a 10min break though im not even sure if that’s legal??
I am very fortunate to not have to pay rent as I live with my parents and I only have to worry about paying for my car, gas, phone, school, necessity’s etc. So no rent is a life saver in this economy. With that being said I don’t necessarily need the highest paying job quite yet (willing to work my way up or gain helpful experience) though that would be ideal for anyone. I just want to be able to find something that fits with my personality/ needs and also doesn’t care the way I look. I know sometimes you have to do what u gotta do but I cannot take working somewhere I’m miserable at and I understand that is a privilege within itself so I’m just trying to use the time I do have to really find what I’m passionate about and not be scared to try new things.
I still want to go back to school to get my bachelors degree since it’s always been a dream of mine, but since I pretty much pay for everything out of pocket besides some degree of financial aide, I don’t want to just aimlessly transfer somewhere with no clue on what to study which has been my issues for some time. I feel like my interest haven’t changed much and neither have my dreams to further my education so I’ve pretty much been saying the same things since probably before high school and I still have no clue what exactly the direction is I should go. I would love to gain some first hang experience to know if getting my B.A. is even worth it for the field I want to go into or what major would benefit me the best.
I have many interests and ideas as to what I could possibly do but I feel like as much as I say them out loud no one really relates so I always feel alone or like there’s no possible job for me that I’ll feel happy in. I mean I think majority of people would rather not work and focus their lives on their hobbies and passions but unfortunately that’s not in the cards for most people and though I sometimes live in that dreamland that doesn’t change the fact that I’m extremely dedicated, hard-working and really want to make a difference in whatever field I end up in. So I guess I’ll leave a list of the things I’m interested in, in case anybody has some advice or input on any occupations I’ve listed or have experience in anything I’ve listed.
I guess another thing to mention is that I was recently applying to a lot of jobs in childcare and pretty much every interview I went to turn me down on the spot because of my appearance. Of course I hear the stories of looking less professional due to your tattoos, piercings, etc., which I never understand. I don’t even have a single tattoo or piercing, not even my ears, but I have bright pink hair and that has been such a downside for the interviewing processes, even some retail jobs like Box Lunch for example doesn’t accept colored hair when they’re literally a pop culture store and share the same company as Hot Topic. I don’t want to have to change my appearance for a job. I know it’s just hair but I was never able to express myself the way I wanted to and the amount of money and maintenance that goes with having colored hair would not be worth it to me to color black just to get a job. It would feel like I’m altering myself and changing something that makes me feel good about myself is unfair and already puts a bad taste in my mouth about the company because they are willing to look over my qualifications and work ethic due to one minor detail in my appearance. One of these jobs I even had two on the phone interviews that went amazing and was going to my final in person interview and was literally meeting with a family for a behavioral technician job and the first thing they (the company) told me was I would need to change my hair to even be considered and I had to eventually politely end the interview because they still wanted to me to meet a kid despite straight up telling me they will not hire me if I didn’t immediately change my hair… and I’d be working with a family, not even in a ‘ public setting.’ I would just love to be able to work in a community that embraces people for their differences for the way they express themselves, and encourages self expression.
Anyways, here are some of my interests and I’d be eternally grateful to hear any feedback! Maybe you’ve worked in some of these environments and have advice or horror stories, if you have similar interests to me let me know what kind of job you have because I’m sure I don’t even know the formal titles to half of these jobs, or even have other ideas that match my interests. Thank you thank you thank you!

• A lost 22 year old just trying to find her way

TLDR: I have so many interests and have no idea where to go with my next steps in my career and schooling, and would love some advice based off of my interest and experience. My unnaturally colored hair gets me nowhere. My experience and interests are listed below.
My schooling/ experience so far: * 5 years of theatre under my belt (onstage/backstage/management) * Just graduated with my AA in Social & Behavioral Sciences (Random but was recommended to do so based on all of the same interest I told my counselor some odd years ago) * Most of my college classes were focused in sociology, psychology, and child development, which has been super interesting so I am willing to branch out from my interest because I did find a lot of interest in the classes I’ve taken previously. * Have worked in retail for four years; Pretty well received by people * A nanny to 4 kids (ages 4-16) for about 3.5 years as well
My personality: (not sure if this will help with knowing if I would be a good fit for any of the jobs listed )
i’m extremely bubbly and can have my extroverted moments, but I can also be introverted at times and when work needs to get done, I will figure out the best way to do it and get to work. I work pretty well with a team and always have ideas flowing and bouncing around, but I can also excel working on my own/have no issues being independent with my work. I don’t have a huge preference on a fast versus slow paced work environment. I would like something flexible, but I have no issue with getting into a routine. I feel like I am truly pretty flexible when it comes to my work environment, I just really want a place that I can express myself and be surrounded by a community of people similar to me. I love to be innovative and creative.
My interests/ ideas: (sorry kinda random and jumps around)

• always wanted to be a nanny or travel nanny; to work with one specific family and grow with them
• Pre-k - 1st grade teacher; I find teaching younger kids really fulfilling, love crafts/ activities/planning, extremely patient
• Art teacher (i love ceramics, but pretty much any type of art would be so cool to incorporate creativity with teaching)
• Child advocate (possibly on movie and tv sets)
• Teacher on movie and television sets
• Directing or any sort of behind the scenes job for movies and television (I love to write and create concepts, costuming, sets, music, casting)
• Set designer for movies, television, or theater
• Costume designer for movies, television, or theater
• Possibly work with an acting company backstage (I don’t even know if that’s a job but possibly a permanent backstage role somewhere)
• Open my own curated thrift shop or a shop in general that is really creative or theme oriented
• Have a small bakery business or just a business in general, I love the idea of being able to run a company or brand that’s inclusive and creative
• I do love to bake and Decorate desserts
• Creative Director; photographer, videographer; I just love the thought of creating things and bringing concepts together, planning, etc.
• Magazine company?
• Wedding planning/party and event planning; again, I just like bringing things together I feel like I have an eye for aesthetics
• Something with marketing or managing

As you can see, most of my interest have to do with childcare and the arts, which are some of the lowest paying jobs/difficult fields to get into, but it’s what I most passionate about and what I can actually see myself being happy doing for a long time. i’m also not opposed to working in one certain field for a while and then branching out to something different or related further down the line, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/fill, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/feeling useless.
Thank you so much to anyone who responds with advice and kind words :)

I flew from Seattle to Chicago on may 4th and this flight was a part of my connection back to Europe (I had to fly from Chicago to Helsinki). Due to storm in Chicago flight was diverted to Moline and came back to Chicago 4 hours late so I missed my flight to Helsinki. AA rebooked new flight only for two days later so I was stuck in Chicago and had to spend money on food, hotel and some personal stuff as they also would not give me my luggage back (it went straight to the terminal it was supposed to fly from 2 days later). Now my insurance said they'd cover all expenses but they need an official statement from AA that they do not compensate this stuff when it happens due to weather. I tried chat, calls, complaints etc, but nothing useful comes back from them. How do I get this statement? Has anyone ever been lucky? Any ideas how else I can proof to insurance that they won't compensate?

My mother in law lives in a different state so she doesn’t get so see my son often. The last time she saw him in person was February 4th. She flew in yesterday and came by when my husband was working and I answered the door holding him and he was shy (of course) and she immediately tried to grab him from me but he was pulling away and wanting me. And she forced him out of my arms and took him. He was uncomfortable and I just wanted him to be comfortable. I admit we both have separation anxiety from each other. I have diagnosed PPD and PPA and I currently take medicine for the PPD but not the PPA. So I just try my hardest every day to be okay even tho I’m terrified about everything including the possibilities of something happening to him. Anyways, there were just multiple instances of her trying to grab him when he wants me. Now he does play with her and want her when I tell him it’s okay or when he gets comfortable but then he will have enough and want me. I know he does love her though. He only falls asleep in my arms and he’s fallen asleep in her arms a few times. I feel bad for feeling this way and being stressed because she does love all 3 of us very much and this is her first time being a grandma and she clearly loves it but I feel like she’s trying to force it. So today my friend invited me and my mother in law to go swimming with her and her baby brother and since my mother in law didn’t tell me what time she was planning on coming over I just texted her saying I will be gone with Felix at the pool and I invited her to come with but she said she didn’t bring her swim suit. A few min later she texted again asking if I wanted her to pick up Felix and take him to her mom’s house which is 30 min away so I can get some rest. (He’s also not familiar with his great grandma since she doesn’t reach out and we only come over when we have enough time to ask.) I do appreciate that because for the past few months I’ve been dealing with some very serious symptoms and cancer runs in my family so I’m already a paranoid person because of it and it’s way worse now that I have a wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy. (I am seeing doctors in the specialties of my symptoms and I have tests scheduled already). I’ve been incredibly tired for the past couple months no matter how much sleep I get and my eyes have been super droopy. I look high but I swear I’m not 😆. And I’m losing a lot of weight unintentionally. I lost 5 pounds this week and 30 in the past 2 months. So I’m just giving you an idea of how I’m struggling. So I kindly told her no and that he absolutely loves the pool and seeing him happy makes my heart melt. So she came over when I was finished hanging out with my friend and my husband was home at that time and she told us that she would be taking him on Thursday (basically tomorrow. It’s almost midnight 😆) and going to go see her friend…a person I know absolutely nothing about. When she left I told my husband I wasn’t okay with it because he’s still a baby and I have no idea who this person is. He thinks I don’t trust her but it’s not that at all. She did a very good job raising my husband. It’s that I don’t trust strangers. And I’m not saying she has horrible friends cause I don’t think she does. We are all Mormon (she’s incredibly involved in the church and in her faith. Way more than me) and we live in the Mormon state but there’s a lot of info surfacing about people in the church that seem like they’re a safe person but in reality they’re not. Read this as an example https://kutv.com/amp/news/local/provo-parents-arrested-after-alleged-rape-of-teen-daughter-utah-county-sexual-assault I just don’t know who I can trust. I myself am a rpe and sx traffic survivor. And it happened by people that were in my adopted family. I just have a lot of trauma. I do have a lot of mental illnesses that make it hard and painful to live including bipolar 1 and BPD. I’m just a very on edge person but no anxiety med works. I just feel like everyone has a dark side and I want to be with my son so that nothing happens. The world is a scary place and he’s too young and innocent to understand. He’s too young to control his emotions. He just knows “hey I’m feeling uncomfortable. I want my mom” or “I’m gonna cry because I’m having a hard time”. And I’m always there to make him happy again. I feel that he’s too young to be with people he doesn’t know for a day without his comfort. If it was just her taking him out for a few hours I would still be uncomfortable but I’d let them go and just ask for hourly check in’s and pictures. But I wouldn’t be comfortable with him gone from me for a day. I don’t want to intrude on her time with her friend but if she asked me to come with I would. I would be so much more comfortable if they came to my condo and they could all hang in the living room and I’ll just be resting on my bed. I just don’t want my infant being away from me with someone he’s not quite familiar with and someone he nor I have ever met.
I should clarify I do love my mother in law…even tho she can be intense. She’s always made me feel welcome and she buys me any clothes I want, she buys my husband and plane tickets to see them, she makes any food I want homemade, she goes on trips across the world and buys us stuff she thinks we would like or find cool (we do), and she spoils my son so much.
I’m so sorry if this doesn’t make sense. It’s very late at night and my eyes are barely open I’m so tired 😅
Please no negative comments. This is a post for advice.

believe it or not, i dont want to die sad. but how does one die feeling happy? feeling at peace? i too do not know how, but i want to try to find the answer today. i want to sleep forever, now. so i want to try my best to give you a brief recap of how ive been suicidal and depressed till now.
to be honest i didnt know how it exactly started. when did i feel depressed? no, scratch that. when did i feel sad for no reason? ninth grade. i cant remember the specifics now, but i do remember trying to drown myself, my first attempt of suicide, because of my grades. i was 13, i felt hopeless, my mom got mad at me, and we didnt have the closeness of our relationship that we have now. i became more sad when i reached my senior year of high school, grades 11 and 12. i had my first heartbreak (cliche as it sounds) and i sabotaged all my friendships. i was a bad friend, i was getting into smoking and drinking--i made both of them my coping mechanism. i spent my days lying in bed, crying in the mornings before school started inside the bathroom stalls, i skipped classes and traveled on my own and smoke and drink--people believed i was 18. but i was 16. i was 16, but i felt like my inner machinery was already tarnished. i chased love but turned away the second they showed me that they liked me. i ran away from my friends and used them for my own benefit because i was 'sad' and that they should 'know' that because they were my 'friends'. but no. nobody deserves that kind of treatment. i was never saved that time, never told anyone how i truly felt. but when i did tell i immediately regretted it because they never understood my weight of emotions; i felt invalidated.
freshman year of college rolled through and i thought i was doing fine, but i wasn't. i wanted to be so much that i ended up overexerting myself. when it finally became too heavy for me i stayed out late, drank again, spent the night with my friends and didn't come home. the next day i told my mom that i had this urge to be alone, to disappear, and that my emotions were all so heavy that i was becoming more sad everyday that even i didn't know the reason. before i could say i wanted help, she told me instead the opposites of what i have been saying. 'ah, this must be what invalidation feels like' i thought, and thats when i knew that really, no one will understand what im going through. its the pandemic now, 2020 and im turning 18, the age of adulthood. funny enough months before that i told myself that i wanted to die, and that there was a bleach ready in out bathroom for me to try out. i thought back then, dying at 18 would be nice because it would spare me the pains of adulthood. my birthday came, i felt heavy when i woke up; i finally decided, you know. my mind was made up. but then i woke up and i hear my dad calling my mom on the phone and asking her if i was already awake, my mom sounded giddy, excited, and told my dad that i haven't woke up yet and that there's too much food on the table she's excited on how ill react. i cried. they were downstairs celebrating my birthday but i was stuck in bed thinking of ways to unalive myself. in the end i came down, wiped my tears, celebrated my birthday normally, posed for some pictures, and called it a day. that was the day i started dreading having to celebrate my birthday. same year, october, i called the suicide hotline with pills in my hand, ready to end it all. long story short, more shit happened. called the hotline, texted my cousin i was gonna die, she then called her parents then said parents called my mom. mom caught me, we cried so hard, i told her everything. we became closer then. she was my best friend and still is, and it pains me that im not the best daughter and friend she has. i wanted to take a break from school then, i wanted to see a shrink, but guess what, nothing happened. i went back to classes like nothing happened. my emotions werent compensated. i was doing everything with a broken mind. no one around me talked to me about what happened, only i relived it. i preferred if they talked to me about it, i preferred if i took a break for a while, it would have been nice to talk to someone about, talk about this unending sadness that im feeling; if i did then maybe i could be a tiny bit better. but no. i gave every feeling i had for free.
4 years passed and im still here. what am i now? things were good two years ago, but how about now? i still sabotaged everything, while trying to fix things aside. i tried to live life, but my anxiety just got worse; heck i didnt even have anxiety before. i had everything planned out three years ago, now im lost again. i dont have someone to talk to, i ruined the friendships i built with trust. i ruined my relationships with everyone and i act like the victim in my head. im a fucked up person and i wonder if my sadness and melancholy justifies all this. everyday i live with a weight on my shoulder. id say i want to try my best today with a lump on my throat. i tell my mom im having fun but then i turn to a socially awkward girl alone. i tell her im doing fine but i really want to jump off our unit. im becoming a threat to myself, im becoming so lost that i need something to believe in again. im so lonely, im so alone, but i pushed away everyone else. maybe this is all im meant to be, really. i dont think the blues will ever me leave me, ive been accustomed to feeling sad and hurt all the time that im scared of being happy. does it even suit me?
i need help. i really need to figure out whats wrong with me. ive always yearned for help. i gaslighted myself a year ago that i didnt need it anymore, i still do. but what will i do when no ones listening to me? when my parents care about imagery rather than my wellbeing? when they care about other people telling them that their daughters 'fucked in the head', well i am. and to the people who tells me that i am, well i am, and probably you guys are and your children feels the same too.
what will the girl who dreamed of becoming a beautician think about the girl who i am now? what will my other selves say about me? ill forever mourn the girl who i wanted to be. the writer, the poet, someone who writes for a living and just sits down in her room with a view. i could also work in a library or in a museum, where i could stare at art and write about it. i want to write. and im sorry lola that i didnt get to finish the story i was writing for you. im sorry im not becoming someone you wished to be. im sorry to everyone who i let down. to my mom, you really are my best friend and im thankful to everything youve done for me, and the little things youve done to make me feel better. to my dad, thank you for the sacrifices you made for us, for my education, despite not being there physically. but you know, i had a lot of trauma growing up and carrying them now because of you two. my social anxiety, the way im afraid to speak up, when im asked about something i dont respond, because everything feels like a wrong answer. and a wrong answer always equates to screaming and shouting and punishing me physically for discipline. but dont worry, i guess, i tried to accept it with love. love equals hate, after all. the two of you did your best, but im sorry. i just want to sleep now.

Hi, pretty long post, just want to share my story as reading all of yours has helped me these last few weeks, f(28). After Thanksgiving 2021, so early-mid December (I was 26 at the time), I somehow herniated a disc. Before this happened, literally right before, I was hurting with what I think was a pulled lower back muscle (hurt to sit and lay down but pain was only in my back right side and rest helped, something I dealt with several times in my life starting in like 7th grade, drs always said it was a pulled muscle). After about a week it was feeling better so I decided it was safe to roll onto my right side to sleep. Well, after that I started experiencing pain all down that side, I also had some tingling and slight numbness in my foot and ankle. It was bad enough that I wasn't comfortable for more than 20 minutes, standing was the least painful, lucky to sleep 3 hours at once even though I'd wake up in horrible pain, basically always in tears from the pain and discomfort. I went to the dr after a few weeks and was told it's sciatica and he referred me for an mri, gave me some kind of shots and ibuprofen. I don't remember what the shots were but they took away all of the pain for 8-10 hours and I was able to get some much needed sleep. One may have been toradol but I got a shot of it the day of my mri so laying on my back during the scan wasn't too uncomfortable, and it didn't help much.
About 2 months after my symptoms started, I finally got the mri and it showed a decent sized herniation. I don't remember exactly where it was in my low back, but I was then referred to a neurologist who evaluated me and suggested ESI, he was fairly certain it would get better on it's own and I wouldn't need surgery, he said it may or may not decrease in size as well. The ESI worked as far as I can tell, but at this point it had been about 3-4 months of healing on my own using heat, stretches, and ibuprofen and the pain was mostly gone, lingering around a 2 at it's worst, but 0 after the ESI. The tingling in my foot and ankle had gone away and I was slowly getting back to normal. Aside from the occasional leg muscle cramps and discomfort laying on my right side, I had been pain and symptom free for about 2 years. I went on vacation in June last year, we did a lot of walking and even a steep hike. I worked for a year and a half in a dispensary, on my feet a lot as well as bending, squatting or leaning down, lifting heavyish totes. I had no pain or symptoms from this. I was hopeful that it had healed up and I was going to be perfectly fine, but I was still mindful of my back. I quit working last year in September to go back to school, since then I had been generally sitting or laying most of the time doing homework, of course I still helped around the house and went out to do stuff. I just wasn't moving nearly as much as when I was working. I had also gone on a trip to Seattle in September where we walked almost everywhere. Again, no pain or symptoms.
That takes me to earlier this year, about late February or early March. I was doing alright, then I noticed my hips feeling a little sore, starting in the left then later on the right, like a toothache or a pinching feeling in the sides and sometimes front. I felt it most when laying on them at first. It also felt sore when I pressed certain areas on the side. It felt like my thighs or hips were a bit unstable, if that makes sense. I did stretches, no difference. One night, during a shower, I leaned down to move a bottle on the floor and felt a very slight twinge in my lower back. Still no back pain or symptoms down either leg though. I also had been randomly waking up with pain and stiffness in my right foot and ankle that would go away after walking on it. Naturally, all this scared me and I started sleeping only on my back with a pillow under my knees, no longer sitting cross-legged or with my legs tucked beside me on the couch, making sure I wasn't slouching and getting up every hour to walk for a few minutes, generally trying to take care of my back. I'm also sitting to get dressed right after most showers because of my hips and I'm nervous my legs will give out. I made a dr appointment early April and he suggested PT for my hips, he wasn't worried about my back or doing any imaging.
I started PT April 15th. She evaluated my hips, had me do some stretches (most were laying down with my knees bent, putting pressure on my low back, I'm wondering if this caused my situation) and gave me stretches to do at home 2x day, appointments 2x week for a month. I should also mention during her evaluation she pressed on my lower back and it sucked, no pain down my legs, just under her hand. The stretches helped my hips for the first week, then my lower back started getting stiff and sore when I would lay down for a few hours or more. I mentioned this to my PT, but she didn't say anything. I kept up with the stretches (on a thick mat on the floor at home, or on my bed) and my lower back slowly got worse each day. Finally, after about 4 PT appointments and 2 weeks of stretches I quit doing them. My back was in quite a bit of pain, I started occasionally getting tingling and slight numbness down both sides in my lower calves and feet (sometimes together, sometimes either side) and it was painful to lay and sit longer than an hour. Made another dr appointment, he suggested it was my muscles and told me to ice, take ibuprofen, and gave me Diclofenac 1% gel, assuring me that PT wouldn't likely cause or worsen a herniation. I was with a different PT for the next appointment and she tried a TENS machine with a heating pad for the pain after I did some stretches that didn't seem to bother my back. I didn't notice any difference. That same night I went to the ER because I got up from a nap and the tingling and numbness wouldn't go away so it scared me. They gave me a steroid shot, a steroid pack, a few T3's and 325mg Tylenols as well as an MRI referral. I don't know if the steroids helped or just the overall more aggressive and earlier treatment this time, but my pain and symptoms (despite being on both sides, not just the right side) aren't nearly as bad as the first time, yet. I'm still uncomfortable and having a horrible time, but it's been manageable. Hopefully I don't feel any worse after being off the steroids for a while. I finished them last Thursday (May 9th) and I've been taking the 325mg Tylenol as needed, making sure to take 2 before bed, I took all the T3's as needed. PT since has been focused on pain management, deep heat ultrasound, TENS machine and heat, also k-tape which seems to provide a small difference.
Yesterday morning (the 13th) I woke up to my back feeling a little stiff and sore but I'd been trying a few stretches the last couple days, maybe that's what's causing it so I'm gonna stop for now. I'm sleeping alright, thankfully, naps as I need or can. As my back has gotten better, my hips haven't. There's still a pinching toothache type of feeling in the sides and front and my thighs still feel unstable while I walk sometimes. I can't lean back on the couch, sitting in the car is uncomfortable so I keep the seat up straight, laying down I still feel pressure in my low back but it's been bearable enough to sleep so far. I haven't tried walking for longer than an hour at a time, slowly and carefully, it doesn't bother my back so much as it does my hips. I lay down for a break during the day if I need it, though I try not to lay down too much. I get up and walk around a bit every hour or so and I help with housework when I can. I use ice or heat for 15 min when I feel like it. I try to go to bed only when I know I'm sleepy so I don't just lay there. I sit outside in the Sun and try to distract myself from the pain the best I can by doing whatever. But lately, being up straight most of the day has been making my upper back a little sore and sometimes I feel what might be spasms along my back (a tense pain that goes away after a few seconds to minutes) and some cramping sensations in my legs.
My MRI is scheduled for the 20th, I'm hoping with all my heart that it's nothing horrible. I've been keeping a log of my symptoms and writing down questions for if I go back to the neurologist (which I would like to). Again, I apologize for the super long post, I just hope this helps someone feel less alone and scared. I know I've been feeling pretty awful the last three weeks, I can't imagine how you who have worse pain feel. I have so much anxiety and fear about this and all the possibilities and it makes everything so difficult. I'm 28, almost 29, and with luck, I have 50-60 years of living left and there's so much I want to do, without anxiety of injuring my back or being in constant pain. This is one of the scariest things I've ever gone through because it seems like it can get complicated really fast and really easy, no warning. I'm not giving up hope that I'll be alright, but it's hard when you get worn down through the day and feel so many different scary symptoms. Hopefully they make some kind of medical advancement in the disc herniation department that truly helps the pain or at least effectively reduces reinjury chances.
TLDR: Sharing my story, had a lower back disc herniation in Dec 2021 causing horrible sciatica all down right side. Had ESI a few months later even though pain was minimal at that point, got better and was generally pain and symptom free for about 2 years. Symptoms came back after a few weeks of PT for unexplained hip pain, this time it's effecting both sides. Been dealing with it for about 3 weeks now with various treatments, MRI scheduled for the 20th.

I grew up with a very religious background. Church was a big part of my life. I was enrolled in private christian schools from 3rd grade til graduation. I honestly lived the life for a while. Chapels during school, attending Wednesday night services, church on Sundays. I knew a good bit of the bible like the back of my hand; I prided myself in that fact. But somewhere along the line, I began to question everything. I drifted away from it all slowly because i couldn't understand how someone who created and loves us could punish his creations for being what he created them to be.
This left me empty and searching for new meaning. I looked for something external to fill the void I felt within. The closest things I could find to heaven, the things that filled the emptiness within were substances. For years I experiment with whatever I could get my hands on. This lead to my downfall; a life of addiction, homelessness, despair, loneliness; all the things I was trying to avoid. The answers I found were no longer relevant. The ups I felt quickly turned to downs. I thought I found a solution but I was entirely misguided.
I didn't love myself at all. I always felt alien like I didn't belong here. I tried to be what you wanted to be just to feel loved. On my own, I felt worthless.
I eventually took grasp of the little hope I had and checked myself into rehab. There began my search for a higher meaning. I ended back on the God road, asking all the "big" questions; What's the meaning of life, why am I here, what's my purpose, who are you, etc. I honestly never received or found an answer but it never stopped me from trying. I keep searching for a meaning, searching for something outside of myself, searching for anything, any answer.
It wasn't until recently I found the answer I've been looking for. It was right in front of me this whole time. It's me. I'm the answer. I'm the thing I've been looking for. The love I sought, the peace I wanted, any and everything I need I already have, I've always had. I'm the creator of my reality. I'm who I need. I can answer the questions within. When all else fails, I have me. There isn't anything external I need; It's all within. If I'm not connected with myself, nothing will ever make sense, nothing will ever be good enough. I am the universe personified and I'm capable of so many great things. It's a blessing to have found myself. I will make my dreams a reality and nothing outside of me will stop my shine.
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I can be a little all over but thank you for reading. I'm making an effort to put myself out there more and push past my fears. I've always let being judge stop me from expressing myself so this is my way of pushing my own boundaries. I appreciate you all
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hello ^_^ this is a throwaway acc because ive never actually used reddit before and i'm nervous about people knowing my identity, since the things im going to discuss give me a lot of anxiety. additionally, i'd like to say that if this is not the space to ask this, i completely understand and feel free to remove my post ^^ i just can't stand struggling with myself anymore, and if this isn't the space, could someone maybe direct me to somewhere else where i can discuss?
for the past ~four weeks or so i've been questioning if i'm a system. i completely acknowledge i may not be, but i'm struggling to find disorders that fit my symptoms, and i know the did/osdd spectrum is a varied experience. i am also aware you all are not mental health professionals and cannot diagnose me, nor know exactly what is going on in my head, but i suppose i'm just looking for advice. i'm a minor and currently do not have access to a therapist or mental health professionals. i live in an abusive household, and i have heavily suspected social anxiety and autism. obviously i am not diagnosed, but my experience heavily relates to these two, and people i know who are say its likely i have them. i have several friends who are systems, online and irl, and my partner is also one. ive caught myself sometime.. wondering what its like to be a system, for lack of a better word? sometimes it feels like im mentally glorifying it, which i correct as soon as i notice, because i understand did and osdd id a trauma disorder and can cause so much distress and disorder (hence the name) in someone's life. i've been doing a lot of research but i still feel unsure, and i've also talked to one of my sys friends about my experience, and they also said its possible, but also possible that i'm not. the main issue i have is memory loss. ive struggled with my memory since i was a kid and i always just labelled myself as 'forgetful', but all of my peers have told me its not normal, and the past few months its been really stressing me out. i frequently forget things people tell me, things i say or do, and sometimes why i am somewhere, although i feel that last one is a relatively normal experience; the 'walking into a room then forgetting why you're there' sort of thing. ive caught myself feeling like im on autopilot, lost in my own thoughts and being unaware of my surroundings, which sometimes makes me do nonsensical things until i sort of 'snap back into reality'- i've put salt into the fridge, thrown my tv remote into the garbage, ran into walls or doors or stubbed my toes too many times. sometimes i forget my meals for so long that i end up eating two dinners, then remember the next day that i had two dinners. just recently i made rice. i remember cooking it, and eating it, but the next day my mom asked me why i put the rice into the pots cupboard. i don't remember doing this at all. additionally, i am very very bad at time; i'll think something happened two months ago, then my friend will tell me its been a week. ive always been an extremely emotion-oriented person, so when i act out of the ordinary, i considered it mood swings. i'm a trans guy, so i thought hormones, or maybe its the autism, or maybe its a normal experience, but recently an incident happened where i was talking to my partner in a groupchat with a mutual friend and i told them some very passive aggressive things which i would normally never say and once i had calmed down and apologized for the ordeal i realized i didn't even know why i'd reacted that way. they hadn't done anything at all wrong and one of the main traits i'd say about myself is i rarely every get mad/angry, and when i do, i never express this to the people around me. several of my friends share this sentiment. due to the abuse in my household, sometimes i'll have a mental breakdown and cry for an hour, but then be completely fine afterward. the next day i almost forget the thing that upset me ever happened- meaning like, i know it did happen, and i know it made me upset, but it just doesn't feel like that big of a deal anymore, and i don't feel upset at all. its almost like, emotional amnesia, for lack of a better term. i don't feel any of the emotion i know i felt at all, and sometimes even find it hard to understand why i was upset in the first place. apparently this isn't normal, either.
the big thing that makes me believe maybe its not did or osdd is i don't often disassociate, or maybe i do? i can't really tell.. most of the time i feel its me piloting my body, if that makes sense, but i zone out a lot. something i do struggle with is knowing the world is 'real'; often it feels like im.. in virtual reality, or looking at a painting, or a screen or something, but i'm chronically online (online every moment i physically can be) so i connected it to that. sometimes when it gets late i do things i wouldnt normally do, but i believe thats also quite a general experience- sleep deprivation changing your behaviour. ive dissociated during traumatic events, which is a normal trauma response, but one specific thing i can remember is in.. 7-8th grade, i can't remember which specifically (i'm in tenth now, i'll be in eleventh next year), there was a period of about two weeks where i felt extremely derealized. it felt like i was watching my body move and do things from outside, and it wasn't caused by anything, as far as i know. it just sort of happened.
another thing that makes me think i'm not a system is i dont really hear voices in my head i hear. my own but ive always thought its my own and its like narrating what i think, i guess its never changed unless its like i randomly read what someone said in their own voice or whatever and it doesnt really say anything that im not thinking unless i have intrusive thoughts, although i can sort of.. debate, with myself. but its always felt like me, like im weighing the pros and cons of somethin, or arguing for both perspectives of an issue. i've always tried to be an open minded person and see all sides. i do talk to myself sometimes, but i do it pretty mindlessly. i never thought anything different of it, but maybe its not normal? when i was a kid, i would talk to myself out loud. i also felt lonely and in 4-7th grade i had convinced myself the wind was my friend and that i could control it. i called him 'mr wind'. don't really think this has anything to do with being a system, but some background knowledge, i suppose?
when i first started actually doing research after denying even the possibility of me being a system for ~two weeks, i did try ti communicate with my possible other parts, but i wasnt very successful. i laid down in a dark room and focused on my mind, trying to call out to anyone at all, but all the responses i got only responded after i asked a question, and refused to answer if i myself could not think of a response to the question. for that reason, i believe this was simply myself attempting to come up with a response. i also started keeping a small digital journal, in case they'd prefer to communicate that way, but nothing i havent wrote or remember writing has showed up, either.
in terms of identity, i've been.. somewhat sure of myself? i think i know who i am kind of well, but sometimes i question myself. i don't have anything significant to say on this topic, which is why i didn't bring it up earlier in the post, but i understand identity is a huge part of being a system, which is why it felt important to address somewhere.
im hesitant to talk about this, but in relation to fiction, i don't have many 'kins'. however, there is one character i feel like IS me. i have no idea how to describe it. its just whenever i see him, i feel like he IS me, like we're the same, even though we have practically nothing in common. this character is loud and confident and a perfectionist and im none of those things, quite the opposite, actually. i know this probably isn't evidence but i just find it so weird.
food is a very sensitive topic for me. i am very very picky about food, because certain textures, tastes, etc make me very prone to not liking food, and when i don't like a food i eat i vomit. like many other autistic people, i have "safe" foods, which i typically will always feel comfortable eating. but every once in a while, a food that has been "safe" for years will suddenly taste horrible or have a bad texture and it makes me vomit, which then makes me scared to eat it again. sometimes i try these foods again in the future and they become "safe" once more. i'm not sure if this can be related to being a system, but i thought perhaps it was different alters having different preferences? no idea.
i once had a dream i was a system. it wasn't like, the main focus, i just was, the plot still unfolded as usual. i know dreams are just dreams, but since im mentioning everything ever, i might as well mention this too.
i'm not sure if these can be connected to being a system at all, but i figured maaaaybe they could be, so i'll mention them anyway: feel free to disregard this section if physical symptoms don't apply
-sometimes my knees will randomly feel weak, and like its hard to walk
-sometimes a random wave of heat will wash over me for a few seconds then disappear, this can also be accompanied by ear ringing
-sometimes a certain part of my lip will twitch and no matter how hard i try it won't stop, but it only ever lasts a few minutes
-for the past few days, i've had incessant eye twitching in only my left eye, and similar to my lip no matter how hard i try it won't stop, but its a lot more common than my lip twitched and only started happening recently. i've had the lip twitch for years, but it only happens once a few months. with my eye, although it only lasts short periods like my lip, its been happening multiple times a day. i don't really treat these as part of my 'evidence', just in case, i guess
this is pretty much all of my "evidence", feel free to ask any questions in the comments. my feelings won't be hurt if you say you think i'm not a system. i'm just looking for an honest opinion, because the way i can't remember shit ever is driving me crazy. i feel like i'm faking because i subconsciously "want" to be a system to fit in and better relate to my friends and my partner, and i didn't have suspicions before they brought up how they were, so how weird is that, right? but at the same time, i'm trying to be very very honest in my experiences, because i understand misdiagnosing myself could really damage my mental health. i just don't know anymore. if you believe i'm not a system, could you perhaps point me in the direction of something else my symptoms might fit into? thank you very for your time, and your help if you decide to comment ^-^

My mother found my tissues from masterbation
I feel like shit. I made a new reddit account just to say this.
My mother and my sister went to go pick up my siblings from school and also had to do a little bit of shopping. I used this as an opportunity to do the deed since I had the time. I went to use her 2nd phone for material since she left it and had a higher resolution on it but decided not to since the screen protection was old and dusty. I finished on a tissue and went to go do my chores.
My mother came home and saw the tissue (I STUPIDLY LEFT ON THE COUCH). And asked what it was. I played dumb and said "I dont know" and quickly threw it in the bin. She then asked if anybody used her phone since she left it on charge earlier. I was cooked. I was shitting bricks. I then went about my day and she didnt say another word about it. She acted normal for the rest of the day.
But I AM TERRIFIED. It has been one day since that happened and I have talked to her normally without her mentioning it. I feel so guilty. I couldn't sleep because of the guilt. It felt like my stomach was gonna explode from the guilt. She didnt find anything bad on the phone since I didnt even use it.
Im not a bad kid either. I never did drugs and I have good grades. I love my siblings lots too. But I felt like I had commited a crime. I feel REALLY bad. Like I broke her trust again or something.
The is the 4th time my parents found evidence of my masterbation, last time being 2-3 years ago. I feel like shit and can't go about my day without the guilt and regret of my mistake looming over my head.
I feel like shit. How do I get this guilt off of me?

3.22uw/ 3.57w (threw first 2 years)
Coursework: AP Lang, APUSH, AP Physics 1, AP World History, AP Precalculus, AP Biology, (Going to take): AP Lit, Calculus BC, AP Government, AP Economics, AP Chem, AP Physcology
1360 SAT (new score coming out this Friday)
165/489
sci bowl competitor 2 years,
tri m music honor society member 2 years,
astronomy cofounder 2 years,
HOSA 2 years,
4 years volunteering since 9th grade accumulated 250 hours at place of worship,
4 year store volunteer and
construction volunteer
4 year band and marching band member,
3 years in honor band,
made 2nd chair concert region band and made top 35 at All state Auditions
made 4th chair freshman region band, Loading crew team,
6 time 1’s at solo and ensemble.
HOSA medical reading All-State competition runner up 4th in area
Completed health science pathway
CPR Certified
10 ap classes, 6 honors classes.
Shadowed and undertook a job working with the owner and head doctor of dental surgery at a Dental Clinic under the job title sterilization technician- clinical experience
HOSA first place School Medical Math Competition

3.22uw/ 3.57w (threw first 2 years)
Coursework: AP Lang, APUSH, AP Physics 1, AP World History, AP Precalculus, AP Biology, (Going to take): AP Lit, Calculus BC, AP Government, AP Economics, AP Chem, AP Physcology; All other classes have been honors
1360 SAT (new score coming out this Friday)
165/489
sci bowl competitor 2 years,
tri m music honor society member 2 years,
astronomy cofounder 2 years,
HOSA 2 years,
4 years volunteering since 9th grade accumulated 250 hours at place of worship,
4 year store volunteer and
construction volunteer
4 year band and marching band member,
3 years in honor band,
made 2nd chair concert region band and made top 35 at All state Auditions
made 4th chair freshman region band, Loading crew team,
6 time 1’s at solo and ensemble.
HOSA medical reading All-State competition runner up 4th in area
Completed health science pathway
CPR Certified
10 ap classes, 6 honors classes.
Shadowed and undertook a job working with the owner and head doctor of dental surgery at a Dental Clinic under the job title sterilization technician- clinical experience
HOSA first place School Medical Math Competition

Any suggestions
Before I explain the situation. I know a lot of people have different boundaries so please respect. I want to break up with my boyfriend because I don’t trust him anymore. I have my reasons to why. On the 3rd month of dating I let him know that I didn’t feel comfortable him having half naked women on his social media, and he told me he don’t pay any mind attention to that. & I just suggested him to erase them when he comes across them and he agreed. I asked him to why he don’t just erase them he said cus he don’t care for it. Anyways second issue, I used to see a lot of girls Snapchat him and when I mentioned it he said he spoke to his girl- friend that is married and I have met before and his guy friend, although I didn’t believe it I chose to give benefit of the doubt. Only reason why I didn’t believe is cus I saw a recurrent snap emoji of a girl. But I thought to myself it’s just a friend. Everything went down hill as time went by, he in fact commented on the girl snap story “ sexy” on her photo & mentioned to me it’s a girl he used to like/talk back in hs. I didn’t see their conversations but, she was sending heart emojis. Anyways, I chose to stay in the relationship bc I thought to myself it’s just a comment. Even tho it was eating me up that he did that. So that triggered me to check his following and the pictures he be liking on instagram , he was following soooo many girls and liking half naked pictures of women. I was so confused cus he told me don’t pay mind attention and more confused to where he was finding these random girls and following them. I mentioned to him about liking half naked women and told him that I would move on if he continues and he said , okay I understand there’s no excuse for my actions ….. he mentioned it’s a habit. W.e anyways I then asked him to show me his IG DMs bc he was following so many girls I thought to myself what if he’s messaging them , well he showed me and nothing. I asked him nicely brought the concern calmly. Anyways, he felt like I was accusing him. But I just wanted to make sure. Then, I kept on seeing his followers and my last straw was when he followed a stripper. Anyways I mentioned his following at the wrong time when we were in vacation. And he said it’s to get inspiration to take pictures of me that’s why he followed women. Anyways, we left it there and then I brought it up again he got so defensive and tired that I was bringing up this issue again and to why I’m bringing social media. I told him how it made me feel and he said he’ll stop and that it’s a habit. Anyways, yesterday I looked through his following and saw he liked a half naked picture of women after we had that conversation. He told me he was erasing women that was showing ass on Facebook , & instagram & that just showed me bs. Thing is right now he’s in basic training for the army so I can’t do much about it now. But I don’t want to be with him, I feel like there was never a solution and was just slapped with a band aid and he told me he’s only doing the unfollowing and stuff just out of “courtesy”. I’m not sure when and how to break up with him. He’s in basic now and then I see him on his ceremony .We been together for 7 months and this issue has been recurring…. And I’m afraid it will. I see no point of working it out cus it’ll be a long distance relationship. My trust has been broken many times. Also he has wandering eyes . I mentioned to him on the 4th month of dating that he has wandering eyes again he told me it’s a habit and he don’t be noticing that… I told him it’s okay to find other people attractive it’s natural but to break a neck it’s where it becomes an issue and staring . Before he left to basic we went to a concert and I saw him staring at a girl and when she walked by he looked back . Right at front of me. What should I do? Is it really a habit ?