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Kanye and Kendrick vs Drake and The Diddler: A Conspiracy
2024.05.16 07:31 RationalSchizo812020 Kanye and Kendrick vs Drake and The Diddler: A Conspiracy
Written 5/8/2024- updates attached below
I tried posting this on kendrick almost a week ago and it got no response, I messaged the mods to ask about Karma restrictions or account age requirements and they never replied. I made a new account and it was the same issue, but I found out last night I wasn’t fully banned, so I figured I’d throw it up and see if anyone finds it valuable. It’s written for people who have no prior knowledge of the rap game/music business. I don’t have to go as hard on obscuring names this time. One of the influencers I mentioned in my last post is known for doxxing and threatening violence against people who mention the many contradictions in their stories. (Sorry for any typos/mistakes I want to go to bed.)
Origins
I believe the current Drake and Kendrick Lamar beef is either completely or partially fabricated by certain industry leaders or the parties involved in an effort to distract from something bigger going down behind the scenes. If you were an influential label owner facing major accusations, and you needed to deflect media attention from yourself, recreating one of the most defining moments in rap history during the social media era would be a way to do it. It also wouldn’t hurt that two of the biggest rappers in the world were already sending shots at each other in their music for years prior. The public consensus is they are simply two famous rappers who hate each other and fighting over the spot for the top like in the 90’s. Only people who were directly involved could paint a more cohesive picture of the whole story. Even when all the cards drop, there is a good chance the average person won’t be able to find direct sources on their own and will continue to support their favorite artists and dismiss any evidence of their crimes like the drizzy subreddit or Ak fans.
As I said the beef between Kendrick and Drake has been brewing in the background for years, with both rappers sending shots and sneak dissing each other over the course of at least 8 years. The most agreed upon origin story is the first diss was the 2016 Big Sean and Kendrick collaboration, “Control,” and Drake responded with, “The Language”. Things stayed relatively lighthearted for a while and both were intentionally vague for many years. Before I go deep into the Kendrick and Drake stuff, it’s really important to examine some of Drake’s prior beefs because they add a ton of context to my theory. In my opinion Kendrick and Co. started scheming all of this some time around Mid 2020-Mid 2022, well after the whole Pusha T beef had transitioned into the Kanye beef.
What exactly started the beef is debatable, but at the time many attributed it to rumors of Drake pursuing Ye’s ex Amber Rose. Unfortunately the timeline isn’t 100 percent clear, and if I included every detail this would be at least 200+ pages so I’ll stick with the important stuff. The ultimate outcome of the Pusha T battle in 2018 was the revelation of Drake’s son Adidon that he had previously been hiding from the world along with getting Ye directly involved in the beef.
Here are some more examples of Drake antagonizing Ye and of him trying to use women as pawns to get material for his diss tracks. The Drake line, “Yeah, I probably go link to Yeezy, I need me some Jesus, but as soon as I start confessin' my sins, he wouldn't believe us," could be a reference to sleeping with Kim Kardashian, trying to double down on his threats to harm him or his family, or it could be a double entendre. Another example is using the name Kiki in another song, which was apparently one of Kim’s nicknames. Some other possible examples include the theories he may have tried the same thing with Kendrick’s wife Whitney around 2020-2021 in an attempt to use as ammo against Kendrick, which I’ll go into later. I don’t listen to much of either artist's music, but there are probably many of other examples in Drake’s catalogue that I’m leaving out. There is also his song Omerta released in 2019, which I'll go into below.
“Your baby mother call me when she lonely My tailor see me twice a week, he like my homie Forever grateful, forever thankful Diamond necklace, but she wears it on her ankle”
(Probably referring to Kim Kardashian since she had a few pictures with her wearing diamond ankle bracelets and was trying to make it into a trend.
“I plan to buy your most personal belongings when they up for auction”
(There were various rumors floating around for a while that Drake was blackmailing Ye with something and he was fighting to keep it from the public. I thought about it and this line might be referencing a sex tape with Kim or her little sister who me was very touch before she turned 18. In 2022 there was a whole storyline on Kim’s show where Ye flies to LA to prevent her second sex tape from being released.)
West Hollywood, know my presence is menacing
Cosa Nostra, shady dealings
Racketeering, the syndicate got they hand in plenty things The things that we've done to protect the name are unsettling But no regrets, though, the name'll echo Years later, none greater
Death to a coward and a traitor, that's just in my nature, yeah
(Drake and Ye both frequented the Delilah Nightclub located in West Hollywood and lived closeby on the same street for a while.)
"I don't carry cash 'cause the money is digital
It's the American Expresser, the debt collector"
(Sounds a lot more like it could be crypto to launder or send large amounts of ill gotten gains. It started becoming mainstream around them)
"Last year, niggas really feel like they rode on me
Last year, niggas got hot 'cause they told on me
I'm 'bout to call the bluff of anybody the fold on me"
These lines stood out because they could be referring to Ye telling the public about Drake's alleged threats a couple months before the songs release. This happened not long after the release of Sicko mode which was towards the end of 2018 as well. Ye was discussing the incident on Twitter and reached out to Drake and Travis to talk to him in private. In the next set of tweets Kanye publicly accused Drake of threatening him and his family in a major way. Surprisingly Ye seemed genuinely scared and amongst his, “crazy rants,” some of the stuff he said makes a ton of sense in hindsight. This also the beginning of his second serious public struggles with Bipolar disorder after being committed in 2016 shortly after an on stage rant where he calls out Jay Z for selling out and says he's afraid he might kill him.. As someone who shares the same diagnosis, I have a pretty good understanding of mania and psychosis and firmly believe that it's important not to write people off right away due to their mental illness. Some of my most thoughtful, creative, and productive periods were inspired by mania. Industry bigwigs have also been using mental illness to discredit influential black celebrities and visionaries going back decades, but it really picked up in the 80’s.
Dave Chappelle has gone into this a lot in the past and claims he experienced something similar before he quit show business and dipped to Africa. Their stories have a lot of interesting parallels if you’re familiar or curious. I remember he actually visited Ye at his house in Wyoming after he was reported to have had a, "mental breakdown," during his presidential run in 2020 thus marking his third breakown in six years.. The reason I put it in quotes is because it happened right after he publicly accused Kim of cheating and delivered his legendary speech on abortion. Dave went as far as going on live tv and telling the public he wasn’t crazy, he was just really struggling because he was the only one at the time fighting against the narrative, which can often be a suicide mission or a ticket to obscurity. These are three examples of someone speaking up and being deemed crazy, two years later came the nazi stuff and I'm sure we'll have plenty in store for 2024.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the very common pattern of artists dying or having their careers destroyed either after they try to leave their label or threaten to reveal industry secrets. A few more interesting industry connections I made in my research include the connections between:
T.U.G. records and J Cole's independent label Dreamville are both managed by Interscope Records, whose parent company is Universal Music Group.
Universal Music Group also hac Drake's label OvO label as well as Ye and Kendrick's old labels on their roster before they left to form their own independent labels in 2022 (around the same time the disses between Kendrick and Drake started escalating). Finally Bad Boy Records, which is owned by Diddy, and Motown Records who own Diddy's other R&B label Love Records, are also both owned by Universal. This means every label I mention is currently or was previously owned by Universal Music Group.
Ye tried for years to get out of his contract with Defjam, which happens to be ran by Jay Z who is known to be a close associate of Diddy. Jay would always used his money and power to fight against it. Ye even spoke out publicly on a few occasions, including when he said Jay Z was trying to kill him during one of his concerts. My theory is after years of getting nowhere and having his reputation skewered, in 2022 Ye finally said, "Fuck it," and dropped all the anti- Semetic stuff intentionally in a successful attempt to force his label to into using their morality clause, which requires labels to drop an artist if they're accused of any major controversy that could hurt the label’s profits. For the fourth time in four years the media reported he was having a breakdown. Even though they tried to punish him by cutting off all of his sources of income and freezing his accounts he still managed to bounce back pretty quickly. It was often reported how much he was losing, but it rarely discussed how he still was filthy rich in spite of the retrictions. His label wanted to discourage other artists from trying the same thing. My theory is he might have bought Kim or Kylie's alleged sex tape and used it for his own leverage. For Kendrick, his transition to his independent label ApLang went a lot smoother, but he had to split ownership of his new label with the previous manager owner Dave Free. Sadly it's still difficult for new or more niche artists to establish themselves without the some help.
He may be a lot of things but Ye isn’t dumb just because he has a mood disorder and the guys at the top know this, which is why I think he has really played up his diagnosis when it benefitted him. He’s still one of the most talented musicians in the game and I really think he sees his bipolar like a superpower as he says. It’s like his own invisibility cloak. He can go off his meds for a little, make an album after staying up for 72 hours, go on a “psychotic” twitter rant dropping facts throughout, then start up again once he makes enough news headlines. I think it’s worth noting the first divorce rumors in 2020 coincided with Ye’s abortion speech during his presidential run and the cheating accusations. that led to him dropping out and moving to Wyoming, and a couple months ago in February 2024 he was committed again.
The point I’m making is bipolar is complex, but pretty manageable especially if you have a ton of money to find meds that work for you and a good doctor and can keep substance abuse and stress at a manageable level. I think Ye is smart enough to know this, but it’s just safer for him to really play up the mental issues in the media. He’s proven he can literally say whatever he wants after getting cancelled and the average person is just going to write it off as psycho babble. While bias in health care is a sad fact of society, if you can use it to your advantage I say go for it. It might’ve just kept the microscope off of him long enough to plan his attack.
Ye v. Drake: Quotes of 2018
(Start of the beef, drake threats, and suspicion towards Kardashian family. )
“ It’s not about rap. It’s about family. We have to be close as a family and never let these people infiltrate just for radio spins”
“We need to show the world that people can talk without people ending up dead or in jail.”
”This is a man speaking to a man that has been placed in the program to fuck with Kanye West head and set me up“
”See when you care about your family you don’t let no man push you to do nothing that could risk your freedom“
These first four tweets by Ye were all in reference to perceived threats made by Drake after their beef escalated circa 2018. He began speaking on the industry and talking more about his psych hospital commitment two years prior and how he thought they were going to kill him. It's pretty obvious how the whole thing was planned by the sketchy doctor who called it in and his physical trainer who has a ton of connections to weird shit involving his celebrity clients.
I found interesting that Ye might not have been the first major league rapper whose life Drake threatened. During a similar period of mental illness the up and coming rapper XXXtentacion accused Drake of stealing his flow and dissed him a few times. Not long after he made a post online saying if he dies, it was Drake who did it. There are tons of conspiracies online, but none of the evidence is strong enough to draw a definitive connection. Also while it maybe be coincidental, Kendrick’s latest album Mr Morale also painted the picture that Kendrick was dealing with some serious personal issues. Some lines throughout the album may have been used to bait Drake into escalating, but it wasn’t until The Weekend, Future, and Metro Booming dropped, “We Don’t Trust You,” then Drake and J. Cole dropped, “First Person Shooter,” which was followed a couple days later with, “Like That,” where Kendrick started the chain of events that has led us to today.
Kanye vs. Drake: Quotes of 2020
Summary: Ye runs for president and gets suppressed for saying what very well could be the truth and was immediately deemed insane by the media. Kim did a couple interviews and everything he said was immediatly false. There is almost guarenteed to be some sketchy shit going down revolving her and her family. Ye was absolutely terrified of her keeping the kids away from him and it seems like there are still efforts being made to this day to paint a certain image of him for ulterior motives.
Below are six more quotes from a fan taking a deep dive into his 2020 tweets courtesy of u/ thehatstore42069 on Yeezy
”NORTHY I AM GOING TO WAR AND PUTTING MY LIFE ON THE LINE AND IF I AM MURDERED DON’T EVER LET WHITE MEDIA TELL YOU I WASNT A GOOD MAN,” West, 43, wrote in the tweet, adding, “WHEN PEOPLE THREATEN TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE JUST KNOW I LOVE YOU”
"I need a public apology from J Cole and Drake to start with immediately... I'm Nat Turner... I'm fighting for us."
"the utmost respect for all brothers" and said "we need to link and respect each other... no more dissing each other on labels we don't own"
"Ye is constantly trying to tell people that his family does not have his or his kids best interests at heart. He goes on to list others, linking them together with the thinking emoji. These people include rap artist Drake and Larsa Pippen, wife of Scottie Pippe. Kim K is goddaughter to Pippen's daughter, showing how close the families actually are. All of these families that associate with Ye through Kardashian connections, as well as Drake, have been accused of the same thing Kris has. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these people have mixed race children that are groomed from a young age to fuck around with celebrities so the parents can remain famous. Drake on numerous occasions has been accused of grooming girls and then getting handsy on their 18th birthday.”
“These labels want their artists to make them money and they dont care about anything else. When Kanye says things like this in an attempt to expose him, the first thing they wanna do is drug him up and put him back in the studio.”
“Righteous indignation is typically a reactive emotion of anger over mistreatment, insult, or malice of another. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice. This is how they keep the black man down. Keep people outraged about trivial things and distract them from the real issues in the world. The real problems in the industry. If you tell people enough times that they are unequal or discriminated against they start to believe it. Drug them when they step out of line and toss them aside when the checks run out. Ye is realizing he is pawn in a bigger game, and now that he has all these roots in the game such as Yeezy or the Gap or his music, too many people cant risk (Afford) a Ye who speaks his mind.”
(End of quotes)
Amongst the twitter rant, Ye warned about the predatory nature of record deals and discussed trying to get out of his own deal, and said again how his life may be in danger if it wasn’t already and was doing anything he could to protect his kids. The most fascinating part to me though is the public call to arms he made to Drake, J Cole, and Kendrick on twitter. After inviting them to all link up, he said, “It’s time to get free, we will not argue amongst each other while some guy we don’t know in Europe is getting paid and putting that money in a hedge fund.” I believe if Ye was able to pull off this meeting, there is an ever so slight chance that all four artists might be working together to take down a greater enemy. Weirdly there have been times throughout the last couple years where these supposed enemies were photographed together being friendly or praise each other in interviews, then out of no where the disses would start flying again.
To wrap things up I want to share my a few of my theories about the Drake/Kanye beef
A. Everything is exactly as it seems and the beef is over. Ye let his mental illness ruin his life and career so Drake simply picked another target after Ye stopped putting out disses. All of these connections are just a coincidence and all of this was choreographed to boost Drake and Kendrick’s music sales and possibly distract people from the Diddy trial and possibly the complicated geopolitical issues currently facing the U.S.
C. There is also the possibility that all four rappers are in cahoots and Drake’s dirt isn’t as extreme as people are theorizing, at least in comparison to the rest of the business. This could explain why everything has played out like a movie and how they were able to predict each other’s moves so well. This could either mean they’re all just trying to boost their sales or they’re all trying to take down the “slave masters,” as Ye calls them, and change the dynamic of the music industry in favor of the artist.
D. They may be trying to help their friends in the industry who are being abused or in shitty contracts. I know a lot of famous rappers have done a lot of collaborations with Jhene Aiko and Anderson Paak, who were both signed to T.U.G. records which I mentioned above in the connections to Universal Music Group. Considering they are both frequent collaborators with all of the artists involved on both sides, it’s not unlikely they may have played some part in influencing the takedown.
T.U.G was started by Chris Stokes with his partner Ketrina Askew. Back in the early to mid 90’s were gaining popularity attracting lots of young up and coming talent. They often collaborated with Diddy and his associates. In the 2000’s Raz B from the boy band B2K claimed he was molested by Stokes and his friend Marques Houston, then quickly retracted his claims. Years later he came forward again and said we was bribed into silence and that the rest of the victims were bribed with hush money and had another singer corroborate his story and they came forward together to level the accusations. After some of his former B2K members made fun of him for his claims and accused it of being a shakedown, Raz B revealed Stokes and Houston had preyed a lot of the children associated with the label including at least one of the former bandmates and paid them off.
I thought it was worth noting that the second whistleblower named Quindon Tarver died young in a car crash after mentioning his abuse again a few years prior. He seems to have left the industry not long after the incidents occurred and has few credits to his name. To this day Raz B is still trying to get his justice, while Stokes and his partner Askew, who was also involved in the abuse are still running the label to this day. Askew also has a ton of lawsuits, accusing her of using shady tactics to try to foreclose on houses. (Don’t quote me if a lawyer wants to take a look just google her full name), and has been tied to a ton of LLCs, similar to Drake. This is a good example of a shitty record deal, but I'm sure they have countless other friends in the industry who have even worse. While they were never convicted even Chris Stokes' wife confirmed it to be true.
E. The theory I personally think fits the narrative best and is the most realistic conspiracy is that Kendrick and possibly J. Cole went to the meeting, but not Drake due to his close relationship with Lucian Grange, the president of Drake’s label. Silence often speaks louder than words and this could explain why Kendrick was so ruthless and put so much effort into finding dirt on Drake. Ye, Cole, and Kendrick co-writing would be like the rap allstar team and if J. Cole wasn’t involved, it would also answer the question of whether or not he baited Drake into the battle by asking him to feature. I don’t think Drake is really their primary target though, which would explain letting him off easy. Compared to his bosses and their bosses he’s a small fish. If you take the big guys down you stand a better chance of landing a bigger blow on their operation.
Another really interesting connection is Kendrick and Ye were both signed under Universal Music Group and they both got out of their deals around couple months apart in 2022. As we speak U.M.G’s CEO Lucian Grange, who is often acccused of giving Drake special treatment, is facing charges related to sex trafficking by no other than P Diddy. This could very well explain the timing of it all. The craziest timeline would be Diddy masterminding all of this and using his connections to get it done and all the allegations are bullshit. The guy does seem pretty confident all things considered and constantly posts himself in his Batman costume which could mean he’s a vigilante.
It seems like there's a slight religious angle as well. (Ye and Diddy are both very vocal advocates of Christianity and Drake and Lucian Grange are both Jewish.) Obviously this is a reach, but they’ve been saying rap music was specifically promoted by mostly white label owners in the 80’s to help in the ongoing effort to expedite the systematic oppression of those living in black neighborhoods and the destruction of their family systems. Apparently it was an intentional decision to heavily promote rappers that promoted the very things that were destroying their neighborhoods. (So people know I'm and atheist and have zero agenda, I just thought it was interesting, please stay away from anything antisemitic. War is wrong on both sides.)
*** If my favorite theory is true, there is a possibility the Kendrick and Ye are going after Drake due to their mutual disdain for him and because he’s got a ton of power to dominate the charts and hog the radio airtime like Meek Mill and OG Maco claimed years ago. Even him dropping a record the same day as you could really fuck your album sales up. I’m also sure some of the many rumors throughout the years have had a least some truth and he will most likely snitch to avoid cell block one. I think that Drake could have been instructed to instigate this whole mess in order to draw attention away from the UMG charges brought about by Diddy. Or on the other hand it could be that Kendrick, Ye, and possibly Cole, may have had intel that Drake was going to be involved in the Diddy trial and are just gonna let the receipts show themselves. It might not have been the original plan, but they’ve already accomplished their mission of humiliating him, assuring he couldn’t use his influence to slide through the cracks, and taking over the throne.
Please take everything I say with a grain of salt I have no connection to this world or lifestyle. Regardless I believe all of the knowledge above does a pretty solid job at painting a picture of what may have let up to this and what may have been the source.
——————————-
More details found the last couple days…
Drake and Diddy Connections+Coincidences
Drake- In the P Diddy wig video from 2016 he talks about going to party with Drake, Cash, and The Weeknd in Toronto. Drake is also one of Birdman’s protégées who is known for being a predator and is rumored to have used label artists to lure young women.
Travis Scott- Interview where he comes out and says Diddy tried to lure him. Still has a long history of associating with him, video of him running from Diddy, his connection to Ruby Rose while underage.
Tim Westwood- Diddy had connections with sex offender Tim Westwood who also inspired the Drake song, “Westwood”. They also both were victims of drive by shootings along with The Weekend and they were all facing some type of allegations.
T.I.- Also has been associate with Diddy through the years, in 2021 his kid died and 11 women can forward at the same time to accuse him and his wife of drugging and assaulting them. Clearly someone wanted to fuck his life up. Possibly due to him getting arrested so many times for wild shit and people wondering how he continued to get away with it shining a light on how powerful industry lawyers are. He also had recently talked about having a gynecologist check to see if his daughter is still a Virgin, which sounds like it could have been an industrty secret. Could have been because he worried about someone trying to take advantage of her to get to him? Regardless that shit is fucking insane.
50 Cent- Has been saying pretty much the same thing as Travis Scott and has trolled Diddy for most of his career. It came out that his wife was a sex worker who was possibly recruited Diddy to help ruin his career. It sort of worked, which raises the question if 50 Cent is the only victim.
Ray J- Him and his sister worked with T.U.G. records when they were very young. Chris Stokes in the nineties who had connections with Diddy. He has been involved in a lot of sex scandals and allegedly may have played a part in Whitney Houston's death. (Which is also allegedly connected to Michael Jackson's death and both were deemed suspicious and happened during their final tours when their masters (song rights), became more valuable than their lives. Sony Records and Tommy Motolla, who also abused Mariah Carey when she was trying to start her career. These are just a few of the alleged examples of labels taking out musicians when they were worth more dead, another is the signing of high risk artists and requiring them to get life insurance so they can profit beyond releasing all their posthumous records. Also the ever so common story of the rising star artist that die at 21 after their first album or two.
He also partied with Diddy in Vegas with along Floyd Mayweather and a bunch of other famous industry people and athletes.
Tory Lanez- Tons of blackmail, also was signed by Interscope under UMG. got sent to prison for ten years after trying to leave his label. Also history of SA and and other allegations of violence towards women.
French Montana- On Diddy's label, close with Rick and Khaled, tons of drug and sexual assault allegations, also dated a Kardashian. Generally grimy.
DJ Khaled- Diddy said he could get anything in Miami, either referring to drugs or women, could explain his connections and lack of any notable talent. (New update, he was one of the first to promote Chris Alvarez’s instagram not long after he turned 18).
Rick Ross- Diddy said some weird shit about him and licked his lips and kissed him at a show. Ross is also signed to Bad Boy under Diddy. He ended up getting involved in the current feud and spamming social media nonstop dissing and threatening Drake.
A lot of the back and forth was both of them threatening to release dirt on each other. One strange coincidence I found was Drake recently trolled Ross about the 20 million dollar renovation to his home on Star island, where Diddy is currently residing. It’s rumored back in the day that P Diddy was caught in a room full of rich guys on ecstasy possibly at the beginning stages of a gay orgy. Drake also mentioned in the same tweets about Rick Ross that Birdman owned a house on the island and asked Rick Ross why he didn’t help him out.
Considering Ross is so sketchy and Drake claims the house isn’t that big, that’s a ridiculous amount of money. He may be covering up evidence, or creating tunnels in his house to escape if shit pops off and Drake might know what’s good. Interestingly enough Ross is very close with French Montana and also signed to Bad. He said his beef was related to something involving French, and Drake’s tweet popped up the same day the info came out concerning the Chris Alvarez stuff.
The famous line from U.O.E.N.O.
Meek Mill- “OG Maco called himself defending his friend Quentin Miller by substantiating the ghostwriting claims and agreeing with Meek. He hit up Twitter saying, "Some of us been knew. Meek just put it in the air. Sucks to have to compete with 6 n****s and get compared to”
Meek mill also had a short beef with Drake, some disses included lines referring to TI’s homie pissing on Drake at the movie theater, which is also interesting considering the current case against him. He also dropped a line saying Diddy almost got a domestic charge when he smacked Drake, which could either be saying that Drake is like a woman, or saying he was Drake’s boyfriend/sugar daddy.
( If you made it to the end comment with the number 8)
I thought it was interesting how the beef just kind of disappeared and even Meek said it didn’t seem genuine. Considering the allegations against Meek in the Diddy trial, and his rumored affair with Kim contributing to ending Kanye’s marriage, Meek Mill definitely did some dirt on him.
“Niggas frauds I told the truth, don't ask me shit
All this industry fake enemy and rap shit”
“Money make a sucker that told look trill again”
One of the many chapters in Drake's history in which he is seen paying his way out of trouble and starting beefs randomly.
“Now when that shit went down with Chris, you wrote a check”
This line is referring to Chris brown beef, another beef that was lost to time. All I can remember off the top was someone throwing a champagne bottle at the other’s entourage.
Ty Dolla $ign- Huge feature artist, close with Ye. Grew up in the industry and talks about growing up on the road and being in the studio with his dad and Rick James who was should have already been in prison for life for dragging, torturing, and S assaulting multiple women and children throughout his career and was himself a victim of the industry. May be part of Ye's motivation, considering their recent close working relationship.
The end.
Courtesy of,
The Randomest Moniker
submitted by RationalSchizo812020 to DarkKenny [link] [comments]
I tried posting this on kendrick almost a week ago and it got no response, I messaged the mods to ask about Karma restrictions or account age requirements and they never replied. I made a new account and it was the same issue, but I found out last night I wasn’t fully banned, so I figured I’d throw it up and see if anyone finds it valuable. It’s written for people who have no prior knowledge of the rap game/music business. I don’t have to go as hard on obscuring names this time. One of the influencers I mentioned in my last post is known for doxxing and threatening violence against people who mention the many contradictions in their stories. (Sorry for any typos/mistakes I want to go to bed.)
Origins
I believe the current Drake and Kendrick Lamar beef is either completely or partially fabricated by certain industry leaders or the parties involved in an effort to distract from something bigger going down behind the scenes. If you were an influential label owner facing major accusations, and you needed to deflect media attention from yourself, recreating one of the most defining moments in rap history during the social media era would be a way to do it. It also wouldn’t hurt that two of the biggest rappers in the world were already sending shots at each other in their music for years prior. The public consensus is they are simply two famous rappers who hate each other and fighting over the spot for the top like in the 90’s. Only people who were directly involved could paint a more cohesive picture of the whole story. Even when all the cards drop, there is a good chance the average person won’t be able to find direct sources on their own and will continue to support their favorite artists and dismiss any evidence of their crimes like the drizzy subreddit or Ak fans.
As I said the beef between Kendrick and Drake has been brewing in the background for years, with both rappers sending shots and sneak dissing each other over the course of at least 8 years. The most agreed upon origin story is the first diss was the 2016 Big Sean and Kendrick collaboration, “Control,” and Drake responded with, “The Language”. Things stayed relatively lighthearted for a while and both were intentionally vague for many years. Before I go deep into the Kendrick and Drake stuff, it’s really important to examine some of Drake’s prior beefs because they add a ton of context to my theory. In my opinion Kendrick and Co. started scheming all of this some time around Mid 2020-Mid 2022, well after the whole Pusha T beef had transitioned into the Kanye beef.
What exactly started the beef is debatable, but at the time many attributed it to rumors of Drake pursuing Ye’s ex Amber Rose. Unfortunately the timeline isn’t 100 percent clear, and if I included every detail this would be at least 200+ pages so I’ll stick with the important stuff. The ultimate outcome of the Pusha T battle in 2018 was the revelation of Drake’s son Adidon that he had previously been hiding from the world along with getting Ye directly involved in the beef.
Here are some more examples of Drake antagonizing Ye and of him trying to use women as pawns to get material for his diss tracks. The Drake line, “Yeah, I probably go link to Yeezy, I need me some Jesus, but as soon as I start confessin' my sins, he wouldn't believe us," could be a reference to sleeping with Kim Kardashian, trying to double down on his threats to harm him or his family, or it could be a double entendre. Another example is using the name Kiki in another song, which was apparently one of Kim’s nicknames. Some other possible examples include the theories he may have tried the same thing with Kendrick’s wife Whitney around 2020-2021 in an attempt to use as ammo against Kendrick, which I’ll go into later. I don’t listen to much of either artist's music, but there are probably many of other examples in Drake’s catalogue that I’m leaving out. There is also his song Omerta released in 2019, which I'll go into below.
“Your baby mother call me when she lonely My tailor see me twice a week, he like my homie Forever grateful, forever thankful Diamond necklace, but she wears it on her ankle”
(Probably referring to Kim Kardashian since she had a few pictures with her wearing diamond ankle bracelets and was trying to make it into a trend.
“I plan to buy your most personal belongings when they up for auction”
(There were various rumors floating around for a while that Drake was blackmailing Ye with something and he was fighting to keep it from the public. I thought about it and this line might be referencing a sex tape with Kim or her little sister who me was very touch before she turned 18. In 2022 there was a whole storyline on Kim’s show where Ye flies to LA to prevent her second sex tape from being released.)
West Hollywood, know my presence is menacing
Cosa Nostra, shady dealings
Racketeering, the syndicate got they hand in plenty things The things that we've done to protect the name are unsettling But no regrets, though, the name'll echo Years later, none greater
Death to a coward and a traitor, that's just in my nature, yeah
(Drake and Ye both frequented the Delilah Nightclub located in West Hollywood and lived closeby on the same street for a while.)
"I don't carry cash 'cause the money is digital
It's the American Expresser, the debt collector"
(Sounds a lot more like it could be crypto to launder or send large amounts of ill gotten gains. It started becoming mainstream around them)
"Last year, niggas really feel like they rode on me
Last year, niggas got hot 'cause they told on me
I'm 'bout to call the bluff of anybody the fold on me"
These lines stood out because they could be referring to Ye telling the public about Drake's alleged threats a couple months before the songs release. This happened not long after the release of Sicko mode which was towards the end of 2018 as well. Ye was discussing the incident on Twitter and reached out to Drake and Travis to talk to him in private. In the next set of tweets Kanye publicly accused Drake of threatening him and his family in a major way. Surprisingly Ye seemed genuinely scared and amongst his, “crazy rants,” some of the stuff he said makes a ton of sense in hindsight. This also the beginning of his second serious public struggles with Bipolar disorder after being committed in 2016 shortly after an on stage rant where he calls out Jay Z for selling out and says he's afraid he might kill him.. As someone who shares the same diagnosis, I have a pretty good understanding of mania and psychosis and firmly believe that it's important not to write people off right away due to their mental illness. Some of my most thoughtful, creative, and productive periods were inspired by mania. Industry bigwigs have also been using mental illness to discredit influential black celebrities and visionaries going back decades, but it really picked up in the 80’s.
Dave Chappelle has gone into this a lot in the past and claims he experienced something similar before he quit show business and dipped to Africa. Their stories have a lot of interesting parallels if you’re familiar or curious. I remember he actually visited Ye at his house in Wyoming after he was reported to have had a, "mental breakdown," during his presidential run in 2020 thus marking his third breakown in six years.. The reason I put it in quotes is because it happened right after he publicly accused Kim of cheating and delivered his legendary speech on abortion. Dave went as far as going on live tv and telling the public he wasn’t crazy, he was just really struggling because he was the only one at the time fighting against the narrative, which can often be a suicide mission or a ticket to obscurity. These are three examples of someone speaking up and being deemed crazy, two years later came the nazi stuff and I'm sure we'll have plenty in store for 2024.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the very common pattern of artists dying or having their careers destroyed either after they try to leave their label or threaten to reveal industry secrets. A few more interesting industry connections I made in my research include the connections between:
T.U.G. records and J Cole's independent label Dreamville are both managed by Interscope Records, whose parent company is Universal Music Group.
Universal Music Group also hac Drake's label OvO label as well as Ye and Kendrick's old labels on their roster before they left to form their own independent labels in 2022 (around the same time the disses between Kendrick and Drake started escalating). Finally Bad Boy Records, which is owned by Diddy, and Motown Records who own Diddy's other R&B label Love Records, are also both owned by Universal. This means every label I mention is currently or was previously owned by Universal Music Group.
Ye tried for years to get out of his contract with Defjam, which happens to be ran by Jay Z who is known to be a close associate of Diddy. Jay would always used his money and power to fight against it. Ye even spoke out publicly on a few occasions, including when he said Jay Z was trying to kill him during one of his concerts. My theory is after years of getting nowhere and having his reputation skewered, in 2022 Ye finally said, "Fuck it," and dropped all the anti- Semetic stuff intentionally in a successful attempt to force his label to into using their morality clause, which requires labels to drop an artist if they're accused of any major controversy that could hurt the label’s profits. For the fourth time in four years the media reported he was having a breakdown. Even though they tried to punish him by cutting off all of his sources of income and freezing his accounts he still managed to bounce back pretty quickly. It was often reported how much he was losing, but it rarely discussed how he still was filthy rich in spite of the retrictions. His label wanted to discourage other artists from trying the same thing. My theory is he might have bought Kim or Kylie's alleged sex tape and used it for his own leverage. For Kendrick, his transition to his independent label ApLang went a lot smoother, but he had to split ownership of his new label with the previous manager owner Dave Free. Sadly it's still difficult for new or more niche artists to establish themselves without the some help.
He may be a lot of things but Ye isn’t dumb just because he has a mood disorder and the guys at the top know this, which is why I think he has really played up his diagnosis when it benefitted him. He’s still one of the most talented musicians in the game and I really think he sees his bipolar like a superpower as he says. It’s like his own invisibility cloak. He can go off his meds for a little, make an album after staying up for 72 hours, go on a “psychotic” twitter rant dropping facts throughout, then start up again once he makes enough news headlines. I think it’s worth noting the first divorce rumors in 2020 coincided with Ye’s abortion speech during his presidential run and the cheating accusations. that led to him dropping out and moving to Wyoming, and a couple months ago in February 2024 he was committed again.
The point I’m making is bipolar is complex, but pretty manageable especially if you have a ton of money to find meds that work for you and a good doctor and can keep substance abuse and stress at a manageable level. I think Ye is smart enough to know this, but it’s just safer for him to really play up the mental issues in the media. He’s proven he can literally say whatever he wants after getting cancelled and the average person is just going to write it off as psycho babble. While bias in health care is a sad fact of society, if you can use it to your advantage I say go for it. It might’ve just kept the microscope off of him long enough to plan his attack.
Ye v. Drake: Quotes of 2018
(Start of the beef, drake threats, and suspicion towards Kardashian family. )
“ It’s not about rap. It’s about family. We have to be close as a family and never let these people infiltrate just for radio spins”
“We need to show the world that people can talk without people ending up dead or in jail.”
”This is a man speaking to a man that has been placed in the program to fuck with Kanye West head and set me up“
”See when you care about your family you don’t let no man push you to do nothing that could risk your freedom“
These first four tweets by Ye were all in reference to perceived threats made by Drake after their beef escalated circa 2018. He began speaking on the industry and talking more about his psych hospital commitment two years prior and how he thought they were going to kill him. It's pretty obvious how the whole thing was planned by the sketchy doctor who called it in and his physical trainer who has a ton of connections to weird shit involving his celebrity clients.
I found interesting that Ye might not have been the first major league rapper whose life Drake threatened. During a similar period of mental illness the up and coming rapper XXXtentacion accused Drake of stealing his flow and dissed him a few times. Not long after he made a post online saying if he dies, it was Drake who did it. There are tons of conspiracies online, but none of the evidence is strong enough to draw a definitive connection. Also while it maybe be coincidental, Kendrick’s latest album Mr Morale also painted the picture that Kendrick was dealing with some serious personal issues. Some lines throughout the album may have been used to bait Drake into escalating, but it wasn’t until The Weekend, Future, and Metro Booming dropped, “We Don’t Trust You,” then Drake and J. Cole dropped, “First Person Shooter,” which was followed a couple days later with, “Like That,” where Kendrick started the chain of events that has led us to today.
Kanye vs. Drake: Quotes of 2020
Summary: Ye runs for president and gets suppressed for saying what very well could be the truth and was immediately deemed insane by the media. Kim did a couple interviews and everything he said was immediatly false. There is almost guarenteed to be some sketchy shit going down revolving her and her family. Ye was absolutely terrified of her keeping the kids away from him and it seems like there are still efforts being made to this day to paint a certain image of him for ulterior motives.
Below are six more quotes from a fan taking a deep dive into his 2020 tweets courtesy of u/ thehatstore42069 on Yeezy
”NORTHY I AM GOING TO WAR AND PUTTING MY LIFE ON THE LINE AND IF I AM MURDERED DON’T EVER LET WHITE MEDIA TELL YOU I WASNT A GOOD MAN,” West, 43, wrote in the tweet, adding, “WHEN PEOPLE THREATEN TO TAKE YOU OUT OF MY LIFE JUST KNOW I LOVE YOU”
"I need a public apology from J Cole and Drake to start with immediately... I'm Nat Turner... I'm fighting for us."
"the utmost respect for all brothers" and said "we need to link and respect each other... no more dissing each other on labels we don't own"
"Ye is constantly trying to tell people that his family does not have his or his kids best interests at heart. He goes on to list others, linking them together with the thinking emoji. These people include rap artist Drake and Larsa Pippen, wife of Scottie Pippe. Kim K is goddaughter to Pippen's daughter, showing how close the families actually are. All of these families that associate with Ye through Kardashian connections, as well as Drake, have been accused of the same thing Kris has. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these people have mixed race children that are groomed from a young age to fuck around with celebrities so the parents can remain famous. Drake on numerous occasions has been accused of grooming girls and then getting handsy on their 18th birthday.”
“These labels want their artists to make them money and they dont care about anything else. When Kanye says things like this in an attempt to expose him, the first thing they wanna do is drug him up and put him back in the studio.”
“Righteous indignation is typically a reactive emotion of anger over mistreatment, insult, or malice of another. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice. This is how they keep the black man down. Keep people outraged about trivial things and distract them from the real issues in the world. The real problems in the industry. If you tell people enough times that they are unequal or discriminated against they start to believe it. Drug them when they step out of line and toss them aside when the checks run out. Ye is realizing he is pawn in a bigger game, and now that he has all these roots in the game such as Yeezy or the Gap or his music, too many people cant risk (Afford) a Ye who speaks his mind.”
(End of quotes)
Amongst the twitter rant, Ye warned about the predatory nature of record deals and discussed trying to get out of his own deal, and said again how his life may be in danger if it wasn’t already and was doing anything he could to protect his kids. The most fascinating part to me though is the public call to arms he made to Drake, J Cole, and Kendrick on twitter. After inviting them to all link up, he said, “It’s time to get free, we will not argue amongst each other while some guy we don’t know in Europe is getting paid and putting that money in a hedge fund.” I believe if Ye was able to pull off this meeting, there is an ever so slight chance that all four artists might be working together to take down a greater enemy. Weirdly there have been times throughout the last couple years where these supposed enemies were photographed together being friendly or praise each other in interviews, then out of no where the disses would start flying again.
To wrap things up I want to share my a few of my theories about the Drake/Kanye beef
A. Everything is exactly as it seems and the beef is over. Ye let his mental illness ruin his life and career so Drake simply picked another target after Ye stopped putting out disses. All of these connections are just a coincidence and all of this was choreographed to boost Drake and Kendrick’s music sales and possibly distract people from the Diddy trial and possibly the complicated geopolitical issues currently facing the U.S.
C. There is also the possibility that all four rappers are in cahoots and Drake’s dirt isn’t as extreme as people are theorizing, at least in comparison to the rest of the business. This could explain why everything has played out like a movie and how they were able to predict each other’s moves so well. This could either mean they’re all just trying to boost their sales or they’re all trying to take down the “slave masters,” as Ye calls them, and change the dynamic of the music industry in favor of the artist.
D. They may be trying to help their friends in the industry who are being abused or in shitty contracts. I know a lot of famous rappers have done a lot of collaborations with Jhene Aiko and Anderson Paak, who were both signed to T.U.G. records which I mentioned above in the connections to Universal Music Group. Considering they are both frequent collaborators with all of the artists involved on both sides, it’s not unlikely they may have played some part in influencing the takedown.
T.U.G was started by Chris Stokes with his partner Ketrina Askew. Back in the early to mid 90’s were gaining popularity attracting lots of young up and coming talent. They often collaborated with Diddy and his associates. In the 2000’s Raz B from the boy band B2K claimed he was molested by Stokes and his friend Marques Houston, then quickly retracted his claims. Years later he came forward again and said we was bribed into silence and that the rest of the victims were bribed with hush money and had another singer corroborate his story and they came forward together to level the accusations. After some of his former B2K members made fun of him for his claims and accused it of being a shakedown, Raz B revealed Stokes and Houston had preyed a lot of the children associated with the label including at least one of the former bandmates and paid them off.
I thought it was worth noting that the second whistleblower named Quindon Tarver died young in a car crash after mentioning his abuse again a few years prior. He seems to have left the industry not long after the incidents occurred and has few credits to his name. To this day Raz B is still trying to get his justice, while Stokes and his partner Askew, who was also involved in the abuse are still running the label to this day. Askew also has a ton of lawsuits, accusing her of using shady tactics to try to foreclose on houses. (Don’t quote me if a lawyer wants to take a look just google her full name), and has been tied to a ton of LLCs, similar to Drake. This is a good example of a shitty record deal, but I'm sure they have countless other friends in the industry who have even worse. While they were never convicted even Chris Stokes' wife confirmed it to be true.
E. The theory I personally think fits the narrative best and is the most realistic conspiracy is that Kendrick and possibly J. Cole went to the meeting, but not Drake due to his close relationship with Lucian Grange, the president of Drake’s label. Silence often speaks louder than words and this could explain why Kendrick was so ruthless and put so much effort into finding dirt on Drake. Ye, Cole, and Kendrick co-writing would be like the rap allstar team and if J. Cole wasn’t involved, it would also answer the question of whether or not he baited Drake into the battle by asking him to feature. I don’t think Drake is really their primary target though, which would explain letting him off easy. Compared to his bosses and their bosses he’s a small fish. If you take the big guys down you stand a better chance of landing a bigger blow on their operation.
Another really interesting connection is Kendrick and Ye were both signed under Universal Music Group and they both got out of their deals around couple months apart in 2022. As we speak U.M.G’s CEO Lucian Grange, who is often acccused of giving Drake special treatment, is facing charges related to sex trafficking by no other than P Diddy. This could very well explain the timing of it all. The craziest timeline would be Diddy masterminding all of this and using his connections to get it done and all the allegations are bullshit. The guy does seem pretty confident all things considered and constantly posts himself in his Batman costume which could mean he’s a vigilante.
It seems like there's a slight religious angle as well. (Ye and Diddy are both very vocal advocates of Christianity and Drake and Lucian Grange are both Jewish.) Obviously this is a reach, but they’ve been saying rap music was specifically promoted by mostly white label owners in the 80’s to help in the ongoing effort to expedite the systematic oppression of those living in black neighborhoods and the destruction of their family systems. Apparently it was an intentional decision to heavily promote rappers that promoted the very things that were destroying their neighborhoods. (So people know I'm and atheist and have zero agenda, I just thought it was interesting, please stay away from anything antisemitic. War is wrong on both sides.)
*** If my favorite theory is true, there is a possibility the Kendrick and Ye are going after Drake due to their mutual disdain for him and because he’s got a ton of power to dominate the charts and hog the radio airtime like Meek Mill and OG Maco claimed years ago. Even him dropping a record the same day as you could really fuck your album sales up. I’m also sure some of the many rumors throughout the years have had a least some truth and he will most likely snitch to avoid cell block one. I think that Drake could have been instructed to instigate this whole mess in order to draw attention away from the UMG charges brought about by Diddy. Or on the other hand it could be that Kendrick, Ye, and possibly Cole, may have had intel that Drake was going to be involved in the Diddy trial and are just gonna let the receipts show themselves. It might not have been the original plan, but they’ve already accomplished their mission of humiliating him, assuring he couldn’t use his influence to slide through the cracks, and taking over the throne.
Please take everything I say with a grain of salt I have no connection to this world or lifestyle. Regardless I believe all of the knowledge above does a pretty solid job at painting a picture of what may have let up to this and what may have been the source.
——————————-
More details found the last couple days…
Drake and Diddy Connections+Coincidences
Drake- In the P Diddy wig video from 2016 he talks about going to party with Drake, Cash, and The Weeknd in Toronto. Drake is also one of Birdman’s protégées who is known for being a predator and is rumored to have used label artists to lure young women.
Travis Scott- Interview where he comes out and says Diddy tried to lure him. Still has a long history of associating with him, video of him running from Diddy, his connection to Ruby Rose while underage.
Tim Westwood- Diddy had connections with sex offender Tim Westwood who also inspired the Drake song, “Westwood”. They also both were victims of drive by shootings along with The Weekend and they were all facing some type of allegations.
T.I.- Also has been associate with Diddy through the years, in 2021 his kid died and 11 women can forward at the same time to accuse him and his wife of drugging and assaulting them. Clearly someone wanted to fuck his life up. Possibly due to him getting arrested so many times for wild shit and people wondering how he continued to get away with it shining a light on how powerful industry lawyers are. He also had recently talked about having a gynecologist check to see if his daughter is still a Virgin, which sounds like it could have been an industrty secret. Could have been because he worried about someone trying to take advantage of her to get to him? Regardless that shit is fucking insane.
50 Cent- Has been saying pretty much the same thing as Travis Scott and has trolled Diddy for most of his career. It came out that his wife was a sex worker who was possibly recruited Diddy to help ruin his career. It sort of worked, which raises the question if 50 Cent is the only victim.
Ray J- Him and his sister worked with T.U.G. records when they were very young. Chris Stokes in the nineties who had connections with Diddy. He has been involved in a lot of sex scandals and allegedly may have played a part in Whitney Houston's death. (Which is also allegedly connected to Michael Jackson's death and both were deemed suspicious and happened during their final tours when their masters (song rights), became more valuable than their lives. Sony Records and Tommy Motolla, who also abused Mariah Carey when she was trying to start her career. These are just a few of the alleged examples of labels taking out musicians when they were worth more dead, another is the signing of high risk artists and requiring them to get life insurance so they can profit beyond releasing all their posthumous records. Also the ever so common story of the rising star artist that die at 21 after their first album or two.
He also partied with Diddy in Vegas with along Floyd Mayweather and a bunch of other famous industry people and athletes.
Tory Lanez- Tons of blackmail, also was signed by Interscope under UMG. got sent to prison for ten years after trying to leave his label. Also history of SA and and other allegations of violence towards women.
French Montana- On Diddy's label, close with Rick and Khaled, tons of drug and sexual assault allegations, also dated a Kardashian. Generally grimy.
DJ Khaled- Diddy said he could get anything in Miami, either referring to drugs or women, could explain his connections and lack of any notable talent. (New update, he was one of the first to promote Chris Alvarez’s instagram not long after he turned 18).
Rick Ross- Diddy said some weird shit about him and licked his lips and kissed him at a show. Ross is also signed to Bad Boy under Diddy. He ended up getting involved in the current feud and spamming social media nonstop dissing and threatening Drake.
A lot of the back and forth was both of them threatening to release dirt on each other. One strange coincidence I found was Drake recently trolled Ross about the 20 million dollar renovation to his home on Star island, where Diddy is currently residing. It’s rumored back in the day that P Diddy was caught in a room full of rich guys on ecstasy possibly at the beginning stages of a gay orgy. Drake also mentioned in the same tweets about Rick Ross that Birdman owned a house on the island and asked Rick Ross why he didn’t help him out.
Considering Ross is so sketchy and Drake claims the house isn’t that big, that’s a ridiculous amount of money. He may be covering up evidence, or creating tunnels in his house to escape if shit pops off and Drake might know what’s good. Interestingly enough Ross is very close with French Montana and also signed to Bad. He said his beef was related to something involving French, and Drake’s tweet popped up the same day the info came out concerning the Chris Alvarez stuff.
The famous line from U.O.E.N.O.
Meek Mill- “OG Maco called himself defending his friend Quentin Miller by substantiating the ghostwriting claims and agreeing with Meek. He hit up Twitter saying, "Some of us been knew. Meek just put it in the air. Sucks to have to compete with 6 n****s and get compared to”
Meek mill also had a short beef with Drake, some disses included lines referring to TI’s homie pissing on Drake at the movie theater, which is also interesting considering the current case against him. He also dropped a line saying Diddy almost got a domestic charge when he smacked Drake, which could either be saying that Drake is like a woman, or saying he was Drake’s boyfriend/sugar daddy.
( If you made it to the end comment with the number 8)
I thought it was interesting how the beef just kind of disappeared and even Meek said it didn’t seem genuine. Considering the allegations against Meek in the Diddy trial, and his rumored affair with Kim contributing to ending Kanye’s marriage, Meek Mill definitely did some dirt on him.
“Niggas frauds I told the truth, don't ask me shit
All this industry fake enemy and rap shit”
“Money make a sucker that told look trill again”
One of the many chapters in Drake's history in which he is seen paying his way out of trouble and starting beefs randomly.
“Now when that shit went down with Chris, you wrote a check”
This line is referring to Chris brown beef, another beef that was lost to time. All I can remember off the top was someone throwing a champagne bottle at the other’s entourage.
Ty Dolla $ign- Huge feature artist, close with Ye. Grew up in the industry and talks about growing up on the road and being in the studio with his dad and Rick James who was should have already been in prison for life for dragging, torturing, and S assaulting multiple women and children throughout his career and was himself a victim of the industry. May be part of Ye's motivation, considering their recent close working relationship.
The end.
Courtesy of,
The Randomest Moniker
2024.05.16 00:00 alphariusomega123 [Evangelion] The remakes are the worst garbage and have doomed the franchise forever. (Long post).
I wasn't planning on watching Thrice Upon A Time. I had not liked the previous films and they seemed like a very inferior product compared to the original anime. However, the good reviews and opinions I saw about it encouraged me to do so. I did it with as open and tolerant a mind as possible, knowing that there was a good chance I wouldn't like the film. "What's the worst that could happen? That I don't like it and continue to prefer the original series? At least I'll be entertained for two and a half hours," I thought. What I did not expect at all is the deep feeling of disgust and repulsion that this film provoked in me, in a way that no other film has provoked in years.
I hated the movie from start to finish. I could spend hours talking about the boring action sequences, about its ugly, excessive CGI that ruins the already ugly mecha, about its disgusting hypersexualization of fucking 14-year-old girls, about how Misato's plans don't make sense, about how Last Kiss almost made me tear my ears off, or its plot full of Deus Ex Machinas with concepts conveniently taken by Hideaki Anno from the place that his last name suggests; but the real reason I'm writing this is because I feel like these movies spit on everything the excellent original work represents.
Not only because as adaptations they fail miserably, but also because they retroactively damage the original work (we'll talk about that later).
Before I begin to explain why the rebuilds are bad adaptations, I want to warn that I am going to do a relatively exhaustive review of the 4 films, so this rant is going to be very long, like staying up late on a winter night with chronic insomnia. That said, let's start to see the reasons:
WHAT IS NEON GENESIS EVANGELION?:
To understand why rebuilds fail as remakes, I must first ask you, dear reader: What does Neon Genesis Evangelion mean to you? (it should at least be familiar to you, unless you've spent your life under a bridge) What do you think about when you read that title, apart from Shinji fucking in front of a comatose Asuka? What comes to mind when you hear the most famous opening in anime history, apart from Shinji strangling the otter against Happy Thursday's throat? (in more ways than one). If your answer is: "It's a mecha anime for emos with a coomer protagonist", that's fine, I respect that; but please press the red "X" in the top right corner of your screen, you can now leave.
Now, I'm going to get serious and explain my definition: Evangelion is a work about the hedgehog's dilemma and the difficulties of forming emotional bonds that human beings have, as well as the consequences of trying to separate from them for fear of rejection. It is not a story about heroes. It's not a story about saving the world. In Evangelion there are neither heroes nor villains, but rather a group of emotionally broken characters trying to be happy in a world just as broken as them. The real enemy of Evangelion is not the angels. It is the lack of communication and empathy.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilema_del_erizo
It is that same lack of communication and empathy that progressively causes everything to go to hell to conclude with a cathartic and bleak ending, but consistent with the themes of the work. It is therefore an existentialist work about human relationships disguised as a mecha anime. This, added to a unique visual style, daring direction, and mechas like never before seen on television, made Evangelion one of the most influential anime in all of history, as well as a true commercial success for Gainax Studio. Success that encouraged other studios to carry out projects such as Cowboy Bebop or Serial Experiment Lain, taking anime towards a new golden age.
Even today you can hear the echoes of that Third Impact of End of Evangelion in 1997. The list of works influenced by Evangelion both inside and outside of Japan is endless. Of course, it is not a perfect work, nor extensive in errors: its target audience is ambiguous, many of the biblical references are more for decoration than anything else, and several aspects of the ending(s) could have been explained better. However, many of these errors can be attributed to a lack of time and budget during the production of the original anime (which was quite chaotic and improvised); therefore, they are understandable and forgivable.
In summary, we can conclude that Evangelion is a dark, introspective, provocative and unique work (at least at its time). This is also combined with a unique visual identity and complex characters whose relationships intertwine and interconnect throughout the work. The sum of all these factors is what led Evangelion to be such a critically acclaimed work that it transcended its own genre and became an icon of popular culture. And this in turn constitutes the biggest mistake of rebuilds; because they commit the biggest sin that an adaptation can commit: denying everything that made the original work great.
ADAPTING WITHOUT A CLEAR PURPOSE:
One of the biggest problems with these remakes (as well as a clear example of what I'm saying) is their total narrative inconsistency. Let me explain: the first rebuilds movie (1.11) is a literal copy-paste of the first 6 chapters of the original anime, with practically the same scenes, dialogues and even music. This makes the film completely redundant and unnecessary (and makes one wonder why it exists); But in any case, the message is being conveyed that the purpose of these remakes is to adapt the original series as faithfully as possible to the cinema with a current animation style.
However, the second movie (2.22) is a... something. A pastiche of new and old things where the plot broadly follows that of the original anime, but with many things changed (of course, for the worse) and a different ending. All this compressing no less than 14 chapters of the original anime into two and a half hours. Here the message that one can infer is that it seeks to adapt the original story (very briefly) by changing and rearranging certain elements, now more in line with what an adaptation is.
However, then we get to 3.33 and... well, after a 14-year because reasons timeskip, we're now in a post-post-apocalyptic world (repetition intended) where ex-Nerv members fight against Nerv itself. Nerv in giant spaceships, there are mechas everywhere, Misato is a sociopath, and Shinji and Asuka still look exactly the same because "DAMN JEBA." Here we can infer that what is sought is to create a totally new story and take it in different directions than the original. The following movie (3.0+1.01) is the only one that is consistent with this purpose.
Whether all these narrative pirouettes were planned in advance or not (clearly not), we can see that there is a clear incongruity between what is intended to be done and what is finally done. All of this generates a strong narrative chaos where the elements and themes of the original anime are mixed with the new ones, creating a total inconsistency. Since also in 3.0+1.01 it is revealed (unfortunately to me) that everything is part of the same universe and this is not really a remake, the excuse of "they are different universes, they don't have to be the same" doesn't work either.
In fact, one thing that you will see me comment a lot throughout this article is the lack of narrative consistency of these remakes, especially in comparison to the original work.
A HEDGEHOG WITHOUT TICKS:
No character in Evangelion better embodies the central theme of the work than Shinji Ikari, its own protagonist. Shinji is not a hero: he is not brave. He is not a genius. He is not charismatic. He is not selfless. He doesn't want to save the world. His reason for piloting the Eva is to gain recognition and appreciation from others; especially from his father, whom he hates, but at the same time admires; He feels that she despises him, but he also wants (and needs) that she loves him. Shinji spends the entire series in the dilemma between escaping from what hurts him (classic avoidance behavior) or accepting it and moving on, even at the risk of being hurt again.
This theme is rock solid throughout the entire original series: from the first to the last chapter of the anime, and from minute one to the very end of End of Evangelion. Even the opening itself makes several visual references to Shinji's hedgehog dilemma. This can make Shinji an infuriating character for audiences accustomed to typical anime protagonists; but it's those same things that make Shinji such a unique and special character. He deconstructs and subverts the hero's journey. And it's not as if this hinders the plot: Shinji is not proactive, but he also does not spend the series crying, as many often claim.
https://files.catbox.moe/eolho0.mp4
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomito
And as you may already be imagining, the Shinji of the rebuilds does not have a hedgehog's dilemma. Or rather, he has it, but only during the first movie (copy-paste of the original anime) and part of the second. This is a problem, because it creates a strong narrative inconsistency (again) where it seems that two Shinjis exist at the same time or that this one is bipolar. As of 3.33, Shinji's entire character arc is based on trying to redeem himself for his past mistakes first by unleashing "Almost Third Impact" (what a stupid name) and subsequently preventing Kaworu's death while trying to right said mistake.
Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. The problem is that I have already seen the arc of the hero who fails to eventually rise up and succeed in 100 trillion works, while the hedgehog's dilemma in none more than in Evangelion (at least in my case). Which makes Shinji a much less interesting character. Some might argue that in 3.0 + 1.01 Shinji does have such a dilemma because he spends half the movie crawling on the ground; but there is not a hedgehog's dilemma, but rather depression for having seen Kaworu's head go KAWOOM (I know, the joke was very bad, but if he didn't do it, I would explode too).
End of Evangelion's Shinji did have such a dilemma because the reason for his depression was having been manipulated and used by someone he had previously opened up to and then forced to kill him, not for failing in his mission (in fact, he was very efficient in her mission to separate Kaworu's head from her body), which in turn brings sexual (and later, deadly) results for Asuka. I insist: narrative consistency. But this is not the worst: the worst thing is that at certain moments in these films, Shinji becomes the typical shonen savior hero, betraying the central point of his character in the original series.
https://youtu.be/E-x-f2OrWeA
A perfect example of this is the ending of 2.22, where the fight in chapter 19 (COINCENTLY from where the original anime starts to get more introspective) is transformed into a ridiculous shipping attempt, with Rei turned into a damsel in distress and Shinji into a savior hero while spouting all the typical cliché lines, topped off with a disgustingly cheesy ending. But of course, how could it end otherwise? With Shinji's Eva practicing cannibalism on Zeruel's corpse (the original scene)? Too disturbing for current times. Shinji and Rei fighting as a team to defeat him? Yes of course. Rei has enough not being in the kitchen. Besides, Asuka already takes care of that, hoping to receive her alpha male's cock as a reward.
https://youtu.be/TPS0Uk0TkP0
Because, like any good modern anime protagonist, Shinji now has a harem.
FETISHING WITHOUT CONTROL:
Of all the characters who are now part of Shinji's harem, the one who is most harmed by this is Rei (Asuka's case is different, and the other character is an infernal creation from Anno's sick mind). Not only because acting like a bitch in heat goes totally against her personality and because of the murky situation, considering that she is a clone of Shinji's mother, but also because her character is reduced to a mere fetish object that does things cute to produce tenderness in the viewer and make coomers buy their figurines.
Rei is an interesting character because he raises numerous existential questions based on the ship of Theseus paradox: the concept of identity, to what extent we can consider ourselves still ourselves, the construction and definition of a "self", etc. But here, her screen time piloting her Unit 00 is minimal (COINCENTLY most of it in 1.11) and her exploits are practically irrelevant or non-existent, also being reduced to a mere damsel in distress at the end of 2.22, as I said before.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradoja_de_Teseo
In 3.0+1.01 he doesn't even get to pilot an Eva. Her role in the film is to cause pity and produce tenderness with her total ignorance (I see that the idiot Anno forgot that all the Reis are born with basic knowledge) while she is seen with different hairstyles, different outfits, working as a farmer, taking care of a baby, etc. In short, a fetish object where she wants the public to value her for how "moe" she is instead of for her abilities or as a character. In Anno's mind, feminism advances in reverse. Ironic, considering that it was precisely Rei who unintentionally started the moe culture.
Of course, it goes without saying that Rei is not the only one who suffers from this extreme fetishization of her character in these films. Under the excuse of paying homage to End of Evangelion, Asuka now always wears an eye patch (needless to say it has nothing to do with having been injured there), a cap with cat ears, in addition to having a very convenient trend for the coomer public of walking naked and semi-naked through other people's houses. She sometimes puts on the plugsuit, but near the end of the movie, it is conveniently torn off, lest we forget that this is made by the Japanese.
One of the best examples of how this hareminication has destroyed the main female characters is in the elevator scene. In the original anime, Rei tries to advise Asuka in a time of particular vulnerability and depression. Rei's limited social skills, coupled with Asuka being Asuka, cause her to misinterpret the attempt to help as mockery and an act of condescension, triggering a slap from her towards Rei and a worsening of her already strained relationship and Asuka's mental state. Rei doesn't fight back because she knows that doing so would only make things even worse.
It is an excellent dramatic scene because it once again brings to the foreground the hedgehog's dilemma and the difficulties between human relationships, very much in line with what Evangelion is. In 2.22, this scene is gratuitously introduced and turned into two horny bitches fighting over which of the two will let their alpha male penetrate first, with a highly OC Rei stopping the assault attempt in a 100% gangsta way to make her see more "cool." The scene doesn't even make plot sense, because Asuka at that moment is not even depressed, and in the original anime this occurs at a much later time under a very different context.
and speaking of asuka...
SOMEONE CALLED ASUKA:
When I started watching these movies, I was afraid that Asuka's character had undergone modifications to make her more "palatable" to new audiences. What took me completely by surprise was how radically different this Asuka is from the original. So different that they can't even be considered the same character. To show it very clearly, we are going to review the personality of both:
Asuka from the original anime: An energetic and outgoing half-German, half-Japanese girl (actually it's 1/4, but who cares) who loves to be the center of attention and have everyone praise her due to the lack of parental love received during her childhood having been abandoned by her father and supplanted by her mother, who suffered from severe mental disorders. She is extremely proud and competitive because she feels that being Eva's pilot is the only thing that gives her an identity and purpose, which makes her tend to become quickly frustrated when things don't go her way and become defensive when she feels like she is being outmaneuvered. . He loves to make fun of others (especially Shinji), to the point of being cruel at times, but he does not do it out of malice, but rather to compensate for his enormous inferiority complex due to the rejection suffered by his mother and having witnessed her. committed suicide (and possibly even tried to kill her) the day she was chosen as Eva's pilot and came running to wish her a Happy Thursday. She admires Kaji and wants to fuck him because she hates her own adolescence, she needs to feel adult and independent due to suffering from a certain Electra complex for having lacked a true father figure during her childhood. She has a sweet and vulnerable nature, but she rarely expresses it to anyone except her best friend Hikari and I better stop this now because too much text.
Rebuild Asuka (hereinafter "Asuka"): A girl soldier created by Nerv as part of a series of clones who has always been alone and thinks she doesn't need anyone, although she secretly wishes to have a family. She hits and insults others for no reason, she yells a lot, never smiles or makes jokes, and hates socializing with others, which doesn't stop her from looking for Shinji's dick within 2 days of meeting him. She always plays video games while someone is talking to her and at night she talks to herself with a doll like an autistic person.
As we can see, these two characters not only look nothing alike: several of their traits directly contradict each other. Because they look alike, they are not even alike in aesthetics: the original Asuka had red hair and dressed in the traditional feminine way, while "Asuka" is light brown and dresses in a tomboy style (which I'm not saying is wrong, I'm just commenting to show the radical difference). It's not that they have changed Asuka: it's that they have directly murdered her to supplant her by someone with whom she only shares her first name (not even her last name). And needless to say, the change has been VERY for the worse.
To describe the first character, I had to spend 15 damn lines, and even then I had to leave out many important facets of his personality, his development in the original series and his entire character arc in EoE, because if I didn't have one endless bible For the second, 6 lines were enough for me, and I could have had more left over if I had been more concise. The first character is a complex and three-dimensional character, with multiple facets, edges and layers. She feels like a real person. The second character is a generic tsundere that you can find in any mecha anime of the week. She is not even comparable to the first; She's not even a good character.
We cannot speak of Flanderization because not even the most basic traits of the character have been respected. Nor can we speak of a deconstruction because that same absence of basic traits means that there is no character construction on which to stand in the first place. Obviously, this change greatly resents the interactions between characters: the original Asuka was a charismatic and fun character with the ability to drive the plot on her own (as soon as she appears in chapter 8 of the original anime she is already changing the entire dynamic between characters) , while "Asuka" is mostly only in the background or to fight; He doesn't even have a character arc as such. In fact, in 2.22 he has even less screen time than several supporting characters.
His chemistry with Shinji is also non-existent (and I'm not just referring to the romantic level) and they barely have any development together. They like each other here because... ehhhh... she likes how he cooks and he thinks she's hot? It's not that the AsuShinji (or ShinSuka, or whatever the hell it's called) here is forced: it's just that it doesn't even make sense. The only reason people still ship them together is because they did it in the 90s. Yūko Miyamura's performance also feels very lackadaisical and lacks passion, which is quite unlike her. Although perhaps this is intentional, since her character always talks as if she has the spear of Longinus permanently stuck up her rectum. In fact, the few times she says her iconic "Anta baka?" This one feels very forced, in addition to not having her characteristic high-pitched tone.
In short, the character has suffered the same fetishization as Rei (gamer girl, tomboy, one-eyed, etc.), but also with the aggravating factor that not even her basic characteristics have been respected here. This is especially disconcerting when we take into account that the rest of the characters have their original personalities more or less intact (albeit simplified). Even more disconcerting if we take into account that Asuka is possibly the most popular character in all of Evangelion, and even more so if we consider that she is Anno's favorite character (in fact, the initial idea was for Asuka to be the protagonist).
https://evaresources.wordpress.com/der-mond/
Given this, the inevitable question arises: "Why?" What was the point of turning Asuka into an inferior and tsundere copy of Rei, even more so when there are already three clones? It has always been rumored that Asuka is not popular in Japan, but that is completely false. The only semi-rational explanation I can think of is that they did it to please the haters. It's no secret that a portion within the Evangelion fandom (and outside of it) hates Asuka with a passion. They see her as someone toxic and cruel who dedicates herself to screwing others for no reason, without understanding that you don't have to like a well-written character.
https://imgur.com/a/KznXE1x
What these people fail to understand is that Asuka's verbal abuse is a defense mechanism to avoid opening up to others, since Asuka constantly says things that do not fit with what she really feels or thinks (clear proof is chapter 16 from the original series). It's not like it matters much, considering they were never more than an extremely vocal minority. That the character is so popular is proof of this. The great irony of all this is that the new "Asuka" is a much more unpleasant and detestable character than the original, since she lacks the redeemable qualities of the original and her moments of comic relief.
And if until now I have been more or less benevolent with this remake, this is something I cannot forgive: because changing a character just because a group of people doesn't like it is one of the most cowardly and pathetic acts in the world. that a writer can fall. The fact that this was also at the expense of one of the best female characters in the history of anime and with a wonderful story arc makes it even more bloody. Any other halfway competent writer would have responded with this.
https://youtu.be/5Js0ea6yPKM
...although if we go by Ockham's razor, the most likely explanation is simply that Hideaki Anno is mentally retarded.
A CHARACTER TO DESTROY A FRANCHISE AND BIND IT TO DARKNESS:
Mari Makinami Illustrious A.K.A María Iskariote (what an appropriate last name) is one of the worst creations ever made by humans. Not since the atomic bombs has humanity created something so horrible. Worse than the holocaust. Worse than fascism. Worse than Facebook memes. Worse than stepping on a lego. I would even dare to say that it is worse than pizza with pineapple. No character better reflects Anno's mental decline or better embodies all the problems of the current anime industry than this trash.
This character contributes absolutely nothing to the plot, he does not contribute at any time to its advancement, he lacks his own development or story, he does absolutely nothing relevant in the 3 films in which he appears, and he does not even have a defined personality. So much so, that all of her scenes could be eliminated or replaced by any other character and she would barely affect the plot, or not affect it at all.
The character is so frighteningly one-dimensional that she doesn't even show different emotions or moods during the three films in which she appears, always being perpetually happy and carefree even in tense situations for literally no reason. This leads to moments as surreal as her starting to sing and hum in scenes that are intended to be serious or dramatic (or so I think; perhaps what they wanted was to turn this into an unintentional comedy), again generating a gigantic narrative dissonance. The last third of 3.33 is the best example of this.
But that's not the worst: this character is clearly made for otaku coomers to masturbate to. She has almost every fetish possible: glasses/lenses (whatever they call it in your country), pigtails, miniskirt, schoolgirl, saying "nya", big tits, obsession with smell and tight outfits, etc. To make matters worse in 3.0 + 1.01 we discover that she is 48 years old, so we can also add the milf fetish. Evidently, her tits always bounce in her plugsuit (she would swear that never happened in the original series) and there are many close-ups of her ass. In addition to constantly making sexual advances towards Shinji, which also turns this piece of shit into a potential pedophile.
If the thing simply ended there, we could say that this character remains a mere annoying and unnecessary secondary character. Unfortunately, the character is also disruptive to the plot, occupying long filler scenes that do nothing more than waste time that is already scarce in a film, and that could have been used on something else more interesting; like Pen Pen watching TV, Pen Pen eating a sardine, etc. Without going any further, both 2.22, 3.33 and 3.0+1.01 begin with a long filler scene of her hitting on her. Well, to be honest, the 3.33 one is more Asuka, but this abortion is still out there fucking and singing.
It would not be an exaggeration to say that discussing why this character exists is much more interesting than any other debate that can be created about these films. I still think about it. However, the ending of 3.0+1.01 gives a good clue: the character was created solely and exclusively to stay with Shinji. I can only imagine that Anno made this tired of the fandom shipping and the arguments over who Shinji should stay with, so he decided to end the matter by creating his own ideal waifu with all the fetishes he likes in a woman to end it. with this. It's disgusting, but considering we're talking about a Japanese, totally possible.
It's surreal coming from the man who harshly criticized the use of anime as escapism and the excessive female objectification and sexualization in it, but it's the only semi-decent explanation I can think of. Basically, he is what is called a mascot character in literature. That would explain why this character never shows doubts, nor any kind of internal conflict, or why he is a better Eva pilot than Asuka and Rei themselves. It is also very revealing about the quality of the Rebuilds: creating a self-insert OC just to be the partner of the protagonist or another main character is the quintessential trait of all bad fanfiction.
However, among all this tsunami of disqualifications, I also have to say something positive: spending three movies giving hope to the shippers only to have Shinji be cuckolded simultaneously by Rei and Asuka in the last one and end up with a character with which had zero development (before 3.0+1.01 I didn't even know its name) is a true trolling masterclass, worthy of the best of ball pumpers. Only a true emperor of evil would have come up with such a twisted and at the same time perfect way to screw over a large part of the fandom. I give you my tens, Anno.
THE ANTI-UNIVERSE OF ANTI-NARRATIVE:
Of all the new concepts that Anno brings up at the last minute from the place named after his last name, none stands out more than the "anti-universe." Or, as I like to call it, the "anti-good writing." Basically because it perfectly represents all the problems of the rebuilds and their script. In the final stretch of 3.0+1.01 we have the last-minute revelation of a quantum plane of existence capable of turning imagined worlds into reality and changing this through Lilith, which cannot be understood by the human mind (wow, WHAT CONVENIENT!) and whose existence has never been mentioned or even hinted at in the entire franchise until CONCIDENTLY the aforementioned last third of the film.
In other words, a gigantic Deus Ex Machina created in an improvised way to avoid repeating End of Evangelion and forcing a happy ending where Shinji creates an ideal universe for each character (although that is questionable, as we will see later). And it is far from being the only one: the spear of Cassius, the Eva of Infinity, the key of Nebuchadnezzar, the Book of Life, and so on. None of these concepts are integrated into the plot in an organic and natural way, but rather they arise spontaneously at its convenience when it needs it. Except for the new "Super Berserker Mode" of the Evas, which is simply a power-up to sell figurines.
As I said before, if at least this were an alternate universe separate from the original anime, all this bombardment of concepts pulled out of the ass would be a little better justified. But the revelation that everything is a cycle and we are in the same universe as the original work only makes it even worse, generating countless inconsistencies about why they never mentioned this or never used that (what's the point of the seeds of life If you can create universes simply by imagining them?). Although without a doubt, the worst of all these new concepts is "the curse of Eve."
Here we have a new concept with very strong repercussions completely launched, which is not even an explanation in itself, it does not answer anything and to make matters worse, the same films contradict each other several times. Needless to say, this is a cheap excuse for the three main characters not to grow up and continue sexualizing 14-year-old girls after the most gratuitous timeskip ever seen. And speaking of timeskip, putting such a long one in the middle of the story is a first-time writing error. If you are writers, never do that: the bigger the time jump, the more things you will be forced to explain, since the less you do it, the more plot holes will form as a result.
And of course, here it explains little to nothing of what happened these 14 years. Like where Nerv got such a tremendous base from, if in 3.33 it seemed that together with Rei and Kaworu it was made up of four people. Or how they have gotten such an army of pseudo-Evas, especially when these are supposed to be extremely expensive (wow, and SEELE with all her unlimited resources was barely 9 in EoE). Or worse yet, how Kaji managed to stop Almost Third Impact (seriously, the name couldn't be stupider). None of these questions are answered at any time. Obviously because they can't do it.
Evangelion has always been characterized by leaving things up to the public's interpretation, but here I feel that they are vilely taking advantage of it so as not to have to give any kind of explanations. And in the case at hand, do not even pay attention to contradictions. Like Touji and Kensuke got on Unit 01 and that doesn't stop them from being 28 after the timeskip. Or that Mari appears to be 14 despite looking like an adult in Gendo's photos and flashbacks, plus the fact that Evas, by simple logic, could not exist back then.
The height of absurdity is when near the end of 3.0+1.01 the "unexpected" revelation occurs (actually we all saw it coming) that everything is a cycle and we are facing a reboot of the original timeline, of which only Kaworu seems to be conscious. He let them guess without giving them any clues how many times Kaworu mentioned or even hinted at such a thing in the original series. Needless to say, nothing is ever explained about it: Who created that cycle? (Adam? Lilith? The First Ancestral Race? Hideaki Anno's last name?) For what purpose? How does it work? How long does it last? Why is Kaworu the only one who remembers him? Do these remakes make sense?
THE DEATH OF A STYLE:
Fortress-cities folding in on themselves. Designs and constructions oscillating between the nineties, the utopian and the cyberpunk. Meshes of flesh and blood animated with the souls of the dead fighting with classical music in the background. A mysterious and ambiguous lore where aliens, technology and conspiracies mix with gnostic, cabalistic elements and the most esoteric aspects of Christianity (did the History Channel predict Evangelion?). Minimalist posters moving quickly between frames. Monochrome backgrounds flashing aggressively (bad luck if you were epileptic). So consistent with its themes that the A.T. fields themselves. They were an allegory of the hedgehog's dilemma (I'm not making this up, Kaworu himself says it in chapter 23).
https://imgur.com/a/2M0eDVK
The sum of all these factors is what allowed Evangelion to build an absolutely unique identity, the one that allowed people to say "hey, that's an Eva!". Starting in 3.33, all that is lost to disappear in 3.0+1.01 in favor of giant spaceships, mechanical mechas made of pure CGI, battles full of colored lights, multiverses and time loops. I'm not saying these elements are bad in and of themselves, but I've already seen a thousand mecha stories with these. For that, I start watching any of the versions of Gundam or Macross. I could also complain about the boring shots without audiovisual language and always using the same color palette, but to be fair, that is an endemic evil of current anime.
And like any bad remake, 3.0+1.01 can't help but pay homage to several scenes from the original work, completely failing to understand the point of said scenes. As an example, we have Ritsuko shooting Gendo for no reason other than to pay homage to End of Evangelion, ignoring that the context between both scenes is very different. Furthermore, here they never explain the relationship that exists between the two, so the scene makes no sense; especially for those who never saw the original series, who will also find mentions of facts that these films have never shown or bothered to explain.
Even worse is when they try to pay homage to the iconic battle between Asuka and the Eva Series. Not only because of the total absence of the graphic violence and choreography of the original, but because what makes that fight so remembered is its emotional component, since it is preceded by a narrative catharsis in which Asuka discovers that the Her mother's soul was always in Unit 02, in addition to being marked by the constant tension of knowing if she will be able to finish the fight before the Eva's energy supply runs out. Here the Evas never run out of energy (why do they need the power supply, then?), so there is no such tension.
In the original fight Asuka may not be shooting 1387945 Evas with a super cannon larger than her as she falls through an... interdimensional hole?; But there you feel every blow, you can appreciate every movement in detail, and the dramatic tension in crescendo only improves the result. If this were a shonen, the logical thing is that Asuka would win. After all, her character arc has been wrapped up in a climactic way. Unfortunately, this is Evangelion. When the Evas Series manage to cause a mortal wound with the pseudo-spear of Longinus and the energy counter reads zero, the outcome is already decided. What happens next is horrific (Asuka's enemies are cruel to her even after she is dead), and just as horrifying are Yūko Miyamura's screams and Miki Nagasawa's performance as Maya announcing that Asuka is dead. In the Rebuilds there are no performances anywhere near that level.
End of Evangelion will be as dark and uncomfortable to watch as you want, but it is a film where all those responsible put their souls into achieving the best possible result, both on a technical and artistic level.
and well, I think that for today I have already downloaded too much, an apology for the large amount of text, I will make a second part at another time because I have so many things to comment on... anyway, I hope you have a good day/afternoon/night or when you read this .
submitted by alphariusomega123 to CharacterRant [link] [comments]
I hated the movie from start to finish. I could spend hours talking about the boring action sequences, about its ugly, excessive CGI that ruins the already ugly mecha, about its disgusting hypersexualization of fucking 14-year-old girls, about how Misato's plans don't make sense, about how Last Kiss almost made me tear my ears off, or its plot full of Deus Ex Machinas with concepts conveniently taken by Hideaki Anno from the place that his last name suggests; but the real reason I'm writing this is because I feel like these movies spit on everything the excellent original work represents.
Not only because as adaptations they fail miserably, but also because they retroactively damage the original work (we'll talk about that later).
Before I begin to explain why the rebuilds are bad adaptations, I want to warn that I am going to do a relatively exhaustive review of the 4 films, so this rant is going to be very long, like staying up late on a winter night with chronic insomnia. That said, let's start to see the reasons:
WHAT IS NEON GENESIS EVANGELION?:
To understand why rebuilds fail as remakes, I must first ask you, dear reader: What does Neon Genesis Evangelion mean to you? (it should at least be familiar to you, unless you've spent your life under a bridge) What do you think about when you read that title, apart from Shinji fucking in front of a comatose Asuka? What comes to mind when you hear the most famous opening in anime history, apart from Shinji strangling the otter against Happy Thursday's throat? (in more ways than one). If your answer is: "It's a mecha anime for emos with a coomer protagonist", that's fine, I respect that; but please press the red "X" in the top right corner of your screen, you can now leave.
Now, I'm going to get serious and explain my definition: Evangelion is a work about the hedgehog's dilemma and the difficulties of forming emotional bonds that human beings have, as well as the consequences of trying to separate from them for fear of rejection. It is not a story about heroes. It's not a story about saving the world. In Evangelion there are neither heroes nor villains, but rather a group of emotionally broken characters trying to be happy in a world just as broken as them. The real enemy of Evangelion is not the angels. It is the lack of communication and empathy.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilema_del_erizo
It is that same lack of communication and empathy that progressively causes everything to go to hell to conclude with a cathartic and bleak ending, but consistent with the themes of the work. It is therefore an existentialist work about human relationships disguised as a mecha anime. This, added to a unique visual style, daring direction, and mechas like never before seen on television, made Evangelion one of the most influential anime in all of history, as well as a true commercial success for Gainax Studio. Success that encouraged other studios to carry out projects such as Cowboy Bebop or Serial Experiment Lain, taking anime towards a new golden age.
Even today you can hear the echoes of that Third Impact of End of Evangelion in 1997. The list of works influenced by Evangelion both inside and outside of Japan is endless. Of course, it is not a perfect work, nor extensive in errors: its target audience is ambiguous, many of the biblical references are more for decoration than anything else, and several aspects of the ending(s) could have been explained better. However, many of these errors can be attributed to a lack of time and budget during the production of the original anime (which was quite chaotic and improvised); therefore, they are understandable and forgivable.
In summary, we can conclude that Evangelion is a dark, introspective, provocative and unique work (at least at its time). This is also combined with a unique visual identity and complex characters whose relationships intertwine and interconnect throughout the work. The sum of all these factors is what led Evangelion to be such a critically acclaimed work that it transcended its own genre and became an icon of popular culture. And this in turn constitutes the biggest mistake of rebuilds; because they commit the biggest sin that an adaptation can commit: denying everything that made the original work great.
ADAPTING WITHOUT A CLEAR PURPOSE:
One of the biggest problems with these remakes (as well as a clear example of what I'm saying) is their total narrative inconsistency. Let me explain: the first rebuilds movie (1.11) is a literal copy-paste of the first 6 chapters of the original anime, with practically the same scenes, dialogues and even music. This makes the film completely redundant and unnecessary (and makes one wonder why it exists); But in any case, the message is being conveyed that the purpose of these remakes is to adapt the original series as faithfully as possible to the cinema with a current animation style.
However, the second movie (2.22) is a... something. A pastiche of new and old things where the plot broadly follows that of the original anime, but with many things changed (of course, for the worse) and a different ending. All this compressing no less than 14 chapters of the original anime into two and a half hours. Here the message that one can infer is that it seeks to adapt the original story (very briefly) by changing and rearranging certain elements, now more in line with what an adaptation is.
However, then we get to 3.33 and... well, after a 14-year because reasons timeskip, we're now in a post-post-apocalyptic world (repetition intended) where ex-Nerv members fight against Nerv itself. Nerv in giant spaceships, there are mechas everywhere, Misato is a sociopath, and Shinji and Asuka still look exactly the same because "DAMN JEBA." Here we can infer that what is sought is to create a totally new story and take it in different directions than the original. The following movie (3.0+1.01) is the only one that is consistent with this purpose.
Whether all these narrative pirouettes were planned in advance or not (clearly not), we can see that there is a clear incongruity between what is intended to be done and what is finally done. All of this generates a strong narrative chaos where the elements and themes of the original anime are mixed with the new ones, creating a total inconsistency. Since also in 3.0+1.01 it is revealed (unfortunately to me) that everything is part of the same universe and this is not really a remake, the excuse of "they are different universes, they don't have to be the same" doesn't work either.
In fact, one thing that you will see me comment a lot throughout this article is the lack of narrative consistency of these remakes, especially in comparison to the original work.
A HEDGEHOG WITHOUT TICKS:
No character in Evangelion better embodies the central theme of the work than Shinji Ikari, its own protagonist. Shinji is not a hero: he is not brave. He is not a genius. He is not charismatic. He is not selfless. He doesn't want to save the world. His reason for piloting the Eva is to gain recognition and appreciation from others; especially from his father, whom he hates, but at the same time admires; He feels that she despises him, but he also wants (and needs) that she loves him. Shinji spends the entire series in the dilemma between escaping from what hurts him (classic avoidance behavior) or accepting it and moving on, even at the risk of being hurt again.
This theme is rock solid throughout the entire original series: from the first to the last chapter of the anime, and from minute one to the very end of End of Evangelion. Even the opening itself makes several visual references to Shinji's hedgehog dilemma. This can make Shinji an infuriating character for audiences accustomed to typical anime protagonists; but it's those same things that make Shinji such a unique and special character. He deconstructs and subverts the hero's journey. And it's not as if this hinders the plot: Shinji is not proactive, but he also does not spend the series crying, as many often claim.
https://files.catbox.moe/eolho0.mp4
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomito
And as you may already be imagining, the Shinji of the rebuilds does not have a hedgehog's dilemma. Or rather, he has it, but only during the first movie (copy-paste of the original anime) and part of the second. This is a problem, because it creates a strong narrative inconsistency (again) where it seems that two Shinjis exist at the same time or that this one is bipolar. As of 3.33, Shinji's entire character arc is based on trying to redeem himself for his past mistakes first by unleashing "Almost Third Impact" (what a stupid name) and subsequently preventing Kaworu's death while trying to right said mistake.
Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. The problem is that I have already seen the arc of the hero who fails to eventually rise up and succeed in 100 trillion works, while the hedgehog's dilemma in none more than in Evangelion (at least in my case). Which makes Shinji a much less interesting character. Some might argue that in 3.0 + 1.01 Shinji does have such a dilemma because he spends half the movie crawling on the ground; but there is not a hedgehog's dilemma, but rather depression for having seen Kaworu's head go KAWOOM (I know, the joke was very bad, but if he didn't do it, I would explode too).
End of Evangelion's Shinji did have such a dilemma because the reason for his depression was having been manipulated and used by someone he had previously opened up to and then forced to kill him, not for failing in his mission (in fact, he was very efficient in her mission to separate Kaworu's head from her body), which in turn brings sexual (and later, deadly) results for Asuka. I insist: narrative consistency. But this is not the worst: the worst thing is that at certain moments in these films, Shinji becomes the typical shonen savior hero, betraying the central point of his character in the original series.
https://youtu.be/E-x-f2OrWeA
A perfect example of this is the ending of 2.22, where the fight in chapter 19 (COINCENTLY from where the original anime starts to get more introspective) is transformed into a ridiculous shipping attempt, with Rei turned into a damsel in distress and Shinji into a savior hero while spouting all the typical cliché lines, topped off with a disgustingly cheesy ending. But of course, how could it end otherwise? With Shinji's Eva practicing cannibalism on Zeruel's corpse (the original scene)? Too disturbing for current times. Shinji and Rei fighting as a team to defeat him? Yes of course. Rei has enough not being in the kitchen. Besides, Asuka already takes care of that, hoping to receive her alpha male's cock as a reward.
https://youtu.be/TPS0Uk0TkP0
Because, like any good modern anime protagonist, Shinji now has a harem.
FETISHING WITHOUT CONTROL:
Of all the characters who are now part of Shinji's harem, the one who is most harmed by this is Rei (Asuka's case is different, and the other character is an infernal creation from Anno's sick mind). Not only because acting like a bitch in heat goes totally against her personality and because of the murky situation, considering that she is a clone of Shinji's mother, but also because her character is reduced to a mere fetish object that does things cute to produce tenderness in the viewer and make coomers buy their figurines.
Rei is an interesting character because he raises numerous existential questions based on the ship of Theseus paradox: the concept of identity, to what extent we can consider ourselves still ourselves, the construction and definition of a "self", etc. But here, her screen time piloting her Unit 00 is minimal (COINCENTLY most of it in 1.11) and her exploits are practically irrelevant or non-existent, also being reduced to a mere damsel in distress at the end of 2.22, as I said before.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradoja_de_Teseo
In 3.0+1.01 he doesn't even get to pilot an Eva. Her role in the film is to cause pity and produce tenderness with her total ignorance (I see that the idiot Anno forgot that all the Reis are born with basic knowledge) while she is seen with different hairstyles, different outfits, working as a farmer, taking care of a baby, etc. In short, a fetish object where she wants the public to value her for how "moe" she is instead of for her abilities or as a character. In Anno's mind, feminism advances in reverse. Ironic, considering that it was precisely Rei who unintentionally started the moe culture.
Of course, it goes without saying that Rei is not the only one who suffers from this extreme fetishization of her character in these films. Under the excuse of paying homage to End of Evangelion, Asuka now always wears an eye patch (needless to say it has nothing to do with having been injured there), a cap with cat ears, in addition to having a very convenient trend for the coomer public of walking naked and semi-naked through other people's houses. She sometimes puts on the plugsuit, but near the end of the movie, it is conveniently torn off, lest we forget that this is made by the Japanese.
One of the best examples of how this hareminication has destroyed the main female characters is in the elevator scene. In the original anime, Rei tries to advise Asuka in a time of particular vulnerability and depression. Rei's limited social skills, coupled with Asuka being Asuka, cause her to misinterpret the attempt to help as mockery and an act of condescension, triggering a slap from her towards Rei and a worsening of her already strained relationship and Asuka's mental state. Rei doesn't fight back because she knows that doing so would only make things even worse.
It is an excellent dramatic scene because it once again brings to the foreground the hedgehog's dilemma and the difficulties between human relationships, very much in line with what Evangelion is. In 2.22, this scene is gratuitously introduced and turned into two horny bitches fighting over which of the two will let their alpha male penetrate first, with a highly OC Rei stopping the assault attempt in a 100% gangsta way to make her see more "cool." The scene doesn't even make plot sense, because Asuka at that moment is not even depressed, and in the original anime this occurs at a much later time under a very different context.
and speaking of asuka...
SOMEONE CALLED ASUKA:
When I started watching these movies, I was afraid that Asuka's character had undergone modifications to make her more "palatable" to new audiences. What took me completely by surprise was how radically different this Asuka is from the original. So different that they can't even be considered the same character. To show it very clearly, we are going to review the personality of both:
Asuka from the original anime: An energetic and outgoing half-German, half-Japanese girl (actually it's 1/4, but who cares) who loves to be the center of attention and have everyone praise her due to the lack of parental love received during her childhood having been abandoned by her father and supplanted by her mother, who suffered from severe mental disorders. She is extremely proud and competitive because she feels that being Eva's pilot is the only thing that gives her an identity and purpose, which makes her tend to become quickly frustrated when things don't go her way and become defensive when she feels like she is being outmaneuvered. . He loves to make fun of others (especially Shinji), to the point of being cruel at times, but he does not do it out of malice, but rather to compensate for his enormous inferiority complex due to the rejection suffered by his mother and having witnessed her. committed suicide (and possibly even tried to kill her) the day she was chosen as Eva's pilot and came running to wish her a Happy Thursday. She admires Kaji and wants to fuck him because she hates her own adolescence, she needs to feel adult and independent due to suffering from a certain Electra complex for having lacked a true father figure during her childhood. She has a sweet and vulnerable nature, but she rarely expresses it to anyone except her best friend Hikari and I better stop this now because too much text.
Rebuild Asuka (hereinafter "Asuka"): A girl soldier created by Nerv as part of a series of clones who has always been alone and thinks she doesn't need anyone, although she secretly wishes to have a family. She hits and insults others for no reason, she yells a lot, never smiles or makes jokes, and hates socializing with others, which doesn't stop her from looking for Shinji's dick within 2 days of meeting him. She always plays video games while someone is talking to her and at night she talks to herself with a doll like an autistic person.
As we can see, these two characters not only look nothing alike: several of their traits directly contradict each other. Because they look alike, they are not even alike in aesthetics: the original Asuka had red hair and dressed in the traditional feminine way, while "Asuka" is light brown and dresses in a tomboy style (which I'm not saying is wrong, I'm just commenting to show the radical difference). It's not that they have changed Asuka: it's that they have directly murdered her to supplant her by someone with whom she only shares her first name (not even her last name). And needless to say, the change has been VERY for the worse.
To describe the first character, I had to spend 15 damn lines, and even then I had to leave out many important facets of his personality, his development in the original series and his entire character arc in EoE, because if I didn't have one endless bible For the second, 6 lines were enough for me, and I could have had more left over if I had been more concise. The first character is a complex and three-dimensional character, with multiple facets, edges and layers. She feels like a real person. The second character is a generic tsundere that you can find in any mecha anime of the week. She is not even comparable to the first; She's not even a good character.
We cannot speak of Flanderization because not even the most basic traits of the character have been respected. Nor can we speak of a deconstruction because that same absence of basic traits means that there is no character construction on which to stand in the first place. Obviously, this change greatly resents the interactions between characters: the original Asuka was a charismatic and fun character with the ability to drive the plot on her own (as soon as she appears in chapter 8 of the original anime she is already changing the entire dynamic between characters) , while "Asuka" is mostly only in the background or to fight; He doesn't even have a character arc as such. In fact, in 2.22 he has even less screen time than several supporting characters.
His chemistry with Shinji is also non-existent (and I'm not just referring to the romantic level) and they barely have any development together. They like each other here because... ehhhh... she likes how he cooks and he thinks she's hot? It's not that the AsuShinji (or ShinSuka, or whatever the hell it's called) here is forced: it's just that it doesn't even make sense. The only reason people still ship them together is because they did it in the 90s. Yūko Miyamura's performance also feels very lackadaisical and lacks passion, which is quite unlike her. Although perhaps this is intentional, since her character always talks as if she has the spear of Longinus permanently stuck up her rectum. In fact, the few times she says her iconic "Anta baka?" This one feels very forced, in addition to not having her characteristic high-pitched tone.
In short, the character has suffered the same fetishization as Rei (gamer girl, tomboy, one-eyed, etc.), but also with the aggravating factor that not even her basic characteristics have been respected here. This is especially disconcerting when we take into account that the rest of the characters have their original personalities more or less intact (albeit simplified). Even more disconcerting if we take into account that Asuka is possibly the most popular character in all of Evangelion, and even more so if we consider that she is Anno's favorite character (in fact, the initial idea was for Asuka to be the protagonist).
https://evaresources.wordpress.com/der-mond/
Given this, the inevitable question arises: "Why?" What was the point of turning Asuka into an inferior and tsundere copy of Rei, even more so when there are already three clones? It has always been rumored that Asuka is not popular in Japan, but that is completely false. The only semi-rational explanation I can think of is that they did it to please the haters. It's no secret that a portion within the Evangelion fandom (and outside of it) hates Asuka with a passion. They see her as someone toxic and cruel who dedicates herself to screwing others for no reason, without understanding that you don't have to like a well-written character.
https://imgur.com/a/KznXE1x
What these people fail to understand is that Asuka's verbal abuse is a defense mechanism to avoid opening up to others, since Asuka constantly says things that do not fit with what she really feels or thinks (clear proof is chapter 16 from the original series). It's not like it matters much, considering they were never more than an extremely vocal minority. That the character is so popular is proof of this. The great irony of all this is that the new "Asuka" is a much more unpleasant and detestable character than the original, since she lacks the redeemable qualities of the original and her moments of comic relief.
And if until now I have been more or less benevolent with this remake, this is something I cannot forgive: because changing a character just because a group of people doesn't like it is one of the most cowardly and pathetic acts in the world. that a writer can fall. The fact that this was also at the expense of one of the best female characters in the history of anime and with a wonderful story arc makes it even more bloody. Any other halfway competent writer would have responded with this.
https://youtu.be/5Js0ea6yPKM
...although if we go by Ockham's razor, the most likely explanation is simply that Hideaki Anno is mentally retarded.
A CHARACTER TO DESTROY A FRANCHISE AND BIND IT TO DARKNESS:
Mari Makinami Illustrious A.K.A María Iskariote (what an appropriate last name) is one of the worst creations ever made by humans. Not since the atomic bombs has humanity created something so horrible. Worse than the holocaust. Worse than fascism. Worse than Facebook memes. Worse than stepping on a lego. I would even dare to say that it is worse than pizza with pineapple. No character better reflects Anno's mental decline or better embodies all the problems of the current anime industry than this trash.
This character contributes absolutely nothing to the plot, he does not contribute at any time to its advancement, he lacks his own development or story, he does absolutely nothing relevant in the 3 films in which he appears, and he does not even have a defined personality. So much so, that all of her scenes could be eliminated or replaced by any other character and she would barely affect the plot, or not affect it at all.
The character is so frighteningly one-dimensional that she doesn't even show different emotions or moods during the three films in which she appears, always being perpetually happy and carefree even in tense situations for literally no reason. This leads to moments as surreal as her starting to sing and hum in scenes that are intended to be serious or dramatic (or so I think; perhaps what they wanted was to turn this into an unintentional comedy), again generating a gigantic narrative dissonance. The last third of 3.33 is the best example of this.
But that's not the worst: this character is clearly made for otaku coomers to masturbate to. She has almost every fetish possible: glasses/lenses (whatever they call it in your country), pigtails, miniskirt, schoolgirl, saying "nya", big tits, obsession with smell and tight outfits, etc. To make matters worse in 3.0 + 1.01 we discover that she is 48 years old, so we can also add the milf fetish. Evidently, her tits always bounce in her plugsuit (she would swear that never happened in the original series) and there are many close-ups of her ass. In addition to constantly making sexual advances towards Shinji, which also turns this piece of shit into a potential pedophile.
If the thing simply ended there, we could say that this character remains a mere annoying and unnecessary secondary character. Unfortunately, the character is also disruptive to the plot, occupying long filler scenes that do nothing more than waste time that is already scarce in a film, and that could have been used on something else more interesting; like Pen Pen watching TV, Pen Pen eating a sardine, etc. Without going any further, both 2.22, 3.33 and 3.0+1.01 begin with a long filler scene of her hitting on her. Well, to be honest, the 3.33 one is more Asuka, but this abortion is still out there fucking and singing.
It would not be an exaggeration to say that discussing why this character exists is much more interesting than any other debate that can be created about these films. I still think about it. However, the ending of 3.0+1.01 gives a good clue: the character was created solely and exclusively to stay with Shinji. I can only imagine that Anno made this tired of the fandom shipping and the arguments over who Shinji should stay with, so he decided to end the matter by creating his own ideal waifu with all the fetishes he likes in a woman to end it. with this. It's disgusting, but considering we're talking about a Japanese, totally possible.
It's surreal coming from the man who harshly criticized the use of anime as escapism and the excessive female objectification and sexualization in it, but it's the only semi-decent explanation I can think of. Basically, he is what is called a mascot character in literature. That would explain why this character never shows doubts, nor any kind of internal conflict, or why he is a better Eva pilot than Asuka and Rei themselves. It is also very revealing about the quality of the Rebuilds: creating a self-insert OC just to be the partner of the protagonist or another main character is the quintessential trait of all bad fanfiction.
However, among all this tsunami of disqualifications, I also have to say something positive: spending three movies giving hope to the shippers only to have Shinji be cuckolded simultaneously by Rei and Asuka in the last one and end up with a character with which had zero development (before 3.0+1.01 I didn't even know its name) is a true trolling masterclass, worthy of the best of ball pumpers. Only a true emperor of evil would have come up with such a twisted and at the same time perfect way to screw over a large part of the fandom. I give you my tens, Anno.
THE ANTI-UNIVERSE OF ANTI-NARRATIVE:
Of all the new concepts that Anno brings up at the last minute from the place named after his last name, none stands out more than the "anti-universe." Or, as I like to call it, the "anti-good writing." Basically because it perfectly represents all the problems of the rebuilds and their script. In the final stretch of 3.0+1.01 we have the last-minute revelation of a quantum plane of existence capable of turning imagined worlds into reality and changing this through Lilith, which cannot be understood by the human mind (wow, WHAT CONVENIENT!) and whose existence has never been mentioned or even hinted at in the entire franchise until CONCIDENTLY the aforementioned last third of the film.
In other words, a gigantic Deus Ex Machina created in an improvised way to avoid repeating End of Evangelion and forcing a happy ending where Shinji creates an ideal universe for each character (although that is questionable, as we will see later). And it is far from being the only one: the spear of Cassius, the Eva of Infinity, the key of Nebuchadnezzar, the Book of Life, and so on. None of these concepts are integrated into the plot in an organic and natural way, but rather they arise spontaneously at its convenience when it needs it. Except for the new "Super Berserker Mode" of the Evas, which is simply a power-up to sell figurines.
As I said before, if at least this were an alternate universe separate from the original anime, all this bombardment of concepts pulled out of the ass would be a little better justified. But the revelation that everything is a cycle and we are in the same universe as the original work only makes it even worse, generating countless inconsistencies about why they never mentioned this or never used that (what's the point of the seeds of life If you can create universes simply by imagining them?). Although without a doubt, the worst of all these new concepts is "the curse of Eve."
Here we have a new concept with very strong repercussions completely launched, which is not even an explanation in itself, it does not answer anything and to make matters worse, the same films contradict each other several times. Needless to say, this is a cheap excuse for the three main characters not to grow up and continue sexualizing 14-year-old girls after the most gratuitous timeskip ever seen. And speaking of timeskip, putting such a long one in the middle of the story is a first-time writing error. If you are writers, never do that: the bigger the time jump, the more things you will be forced to explain, since the less you do it, the more plot holes will form as a result.
And of course, here it explains little to nothing of what happened these 14 years. Like where Nerv got such a tremendous base from, if in 3.33 it seemed that together with Rei and Kaworu it was made up of four people. Or how they have gotten such an army of pseudo-Evas, especially when these are supposed to be extremely expensive (wow, and SEELE with all her unlimited resources was barely 9 in EoE). Or worse yet, how Kaji managed to stop Almost Third Impact (seriously, the name couldn't be stupider). None of these questions are answered at any time. Obviously because they can't do it.
Evangelion has always been characterized by leaving things up to the public's interpretation, but here I feel that they are vilely taking advantage of it so as not to have to give any kind of explanations. And in the case at hand, do not even pay attention to contradictions. Like Touji and Kensuke got on Unit 01 and that doesn't stop them from being 28 after the timeskip. Or that Mari appears to be 14 despite looking like an adult in Gendo's photos and flashbacks, plus the fact that Evas, by simple logic, could not exist back then.
The height of absurdity is when near the end of 3.0+1.01 the "unexpected" revelation occurs (actually we all saw it coming) that everything is a cycle and we are facing a reboot of the original timeline, of which only Kaworu seems to be conscious. He let them guess without giving them any clues how many times Kaworu mentioned or even hinted at such a thing in the original series. Needless to say, nothing is ever explained about it: Who created that cycle? (Adam? Lilith? The First Ancestral Race? Hideaki Anno's last name?) For what purpose? How does it work? How long does it last? Why is Kaworu the only one who remembers him? Do these remakes make sense?
THE DEATH OF A STYLE:
Fortress-cities folding in on themselves. Designs and constructions oscillating between the nineties, the utopian and the cyberpunk. Meshes of flesh and blood animated with the souls of the dead fighting with classical music in the background. A mysterious and ambiguous lore where aliens, technology and conspiracies mix with gnostic, cabalistic elements and the most esoteric aspects of Christianity (did the History Channel predict Evangelion?). Minimalist posters moving quickly between frames. Monochrome backgrounds flashing aggressively (bad luck if you were epileptic). So consistent with its themes that the A.T. fields themselves. They were an allegory of the hedgehog's dilemma (I'm not making this up, Kaworu himself says it in chapter 23).
https://imgur.com/a/2M0eDVK
The sum of all these factors is what allowed Evangelion to build an absolutely unique identity, the one that allowed people to say "hey, that's an Eva!". Starting in 3.33, all that is lost to disappear in 3.0+1.01 in favor of giant spaceships, mechanical mechas made of pure CGI, battles full of colored lights, multiverses and time loops. I'm not saying these elements are bad in and of themselves, but I've already seen a thousand mecha stories with these. For that, I start watching any of the versions of Gundam or Macross. I could also complain about the boring shots without audiovisual language and always using the same color palette, but to be fair, that is an endemic evil of current anime.
And like any bad remake, 3.0+1.01 can't help but pay homage to several scenes from the original work, completely failing to understand the point of said scenes. As an example, we have Ritsuko shooting Gendo for no reason other than to pay homage to End of Evangelion, ignoring that the context between both scenes is very different. Furthermore, here they never explain the relationship that exists between the two, so the scene makes no sense; especially for those who never saw the original series, who will also find mentions of facts that these films have never shown or bothered to explain.
Even worse is when they try to pay homage to the iconic battle between Asuka and the Eva Series. Not only because of the total absence of the graphic violence and choreography of the original, but because what makes that fight so remembered is its emotional component, since it is preceded by a narrative catharsis in which Asuka discovers that the Her mother's soul was always in Unit 02, in addition to being marked by the constant tension of knowing if she will be able to finish the fight before the Eva's energy supply runs out. Here the Evas never run out of energy (why do they need the power supply, then?), so there is no such tension.
In the original fight Asuka may not be shooting 1387945 Evas with a super cannon larger than her as she falls through an... interdimensional hole?; But there you feel every blow, you can appreciate every movement in detail, and the dramatic tension in crescendo only improves the result. If this were a shonen, the logical thing is that Asuka would win. After all, her character arc has been wrapped up in a climactic way. Unfortunately, this is Evangelion. When the Evas Series manage to cause a mortal wound with the pseudo-spear of Longinus and the energy counter reads zero, the outcome is already decided. What happens next is horrific (Asuka's enemies are cruel to her even after she is dead), and just as horrifying are Yūko Miyamura's screams and Miki Nagasawa's performance as Maya announcing that Asuka is dead. In the Rebuilds there are no performances anywhere near that level.
End of Evangelion will be as dark and uncomfortable to watch as you want, but it is a film where all those responsible put their souls into achieving the best possible result, both on a technical and artistic level.
and well, I think that for today I have already downloaded too much, an apology for the large amount of text, I will make a second part at another time because I have so many things to comment on... anyway, I hope you have a good day/afternoon/night or when you read this .
2024.05.15 12:35 SlightlyAnonymous87 The Undraftables: Week 6 Update
The Undraftables: Week 6 Update (Going into/during Week 7)
This challenge was initially undertook with the NBA and it was fun, so decided to extend it to MLB as well. The rules are simple: Cannot select any player who has an Average Draft Position (ADP), regardless of how high or low it may be. Even if a player's ADP is 250+, they are off-limits if they have any average draft position. The draft took place on Sunday, April 7th. Admittedly, this was after the start of the season, but my focus had been primarily on the NBA season, leaving me with limited time to prepare for baseball. Nevertheless, managed to squeeze in most of my MLB prep work within a few days/week. This is a standard 12 team head to head category league on yahoo with 6 adds per week. The buy-in was lower than my usual, but not free (inactivity and too easy).
Here was the draft results:
No trades to report on this week. I was slightly less active trading and sending offers out this past week than I usually am. I still intend on selling high on Jon Gray and possibly Crochet (cuz innings limits concerns), and my streamer who just had an awesome start TUES Gavin Stone. Three for 1 package deal of course. I will be going after those buy low SP. I have no issues holding onto Jon Gray or Crochet either.
My matchup for this current week features an opponent who has only 22sb on the season compared to my 39. They only have hit for .243 average compared to my .251 so I feel pretty confident I can win at least those 2 offensive categories. Since we are two days in I'm actually ahead in runs at this moment too, however I doubt that will last since they are 4th in overall runs on the season. For pitching I'm absolutely dominant in the season stats. I am the LEADER in every single category. Pretty awesome considering the way I started at the draft! (It helps that players I took were absolutely incredible to start the year and I have streamed in many strong names). A deeper look on the pitching though they have 7 starts remaining vs my 5. I'm severely ahead thus far though with 4 wins, 26k, 0.94era, 0.70whip. So I absolutely have no real need to stream more SP. This is the manager that I traded some of my former SP like Tanner Houck, Seth Lugo, Jordan Hicks and Spencer Turnbull. They only have 2 closers compared to my 3 so I like my odds there too. I do predict a likely 7-3 victory for me this week.
In terms of the moves I have made already this week and my future moves this week: I secured a real nice speed and contact hitter in Josh Lowe! Feels like he will fit it on my squad perfectly! And it gets rid of my weakest hitter Ruiz. When I added in Dairon Blanco it's purely a speed play really. He may still be replaceable if this weekly matchup is close in runs and I need them later in week. Sal Frelick is an option to re add as well as other leadoff hitters across the majors. (Frelick hasn't been batting leadoff) I'm glad I held the line on Fedde and Crochet. I almost was going to drop them to stream in more starting pitchers. Late in the week I knew it was close in wins and I had no chance to win the ratios so I streamed in a few extra SP and cut Taillon. I certainly could have tried harder to "sell high" on him. Gavin Stone is fine on my roster, but I may actually add a pitcher with higher upside to both dangle in trades and/or just keep on team. I been in talks to obtain Jarren Duran or Brice Turang (both owned by the same manager) so that might be something that happens for the next update!
Bit of strategy talk here regarding my team build. The goal of a punt power build is to win 2 offensive categories (Ideally 3 eventually, R, AVG, SB) and win 4-5 pitching categories. (If you are able to obtain closers you have upside to win 5 pitching cats, if you punt saves then your upside is 4 and you would be more consistently likely to win WINS and K categories) I technically currently have the upside to win all 5 pitching and 2 hitting categories. (If I gain runs value I would even have maximum upside of 8 categories! 5+3=8) Remember that in category leagues you ONLY NEED TO WIN 6 categories folks! This is the benefit of punting! (And technically in h2h playoffs you can have a tie 5-5 and still advance to next round due to season standings and matchup ranking!) I think punting gives you less variance than other builds? Or maybe this less variance is just from having high AVG contact hitters? Discuss? (Could be an ongoing discussion throughout the season)
There is an interesting topic to bring up regarding trading for hitters who fit the "punt power" type of team build. I think buying low on Kwan and Trea Turner now become viable possibilities for my team and other punt power teams that may exist out there! If you have any other names that could be buy low, I'm all ears. Remember to always keep an eye out for prospects coming up who have the skills that you want/need! Sometimes you can trade away your current assets that you have for upgrades at weak positions on your team and then fill those holes of the guys you traded away with prospects who are coming up soon or have already come up. (Or a hot waiver wire bat that will fill in temporarily) In this way you become a team with "less weaknesses" (Of course that advice can apply to all sorts of type of team builds in head to head category leagues). What this means for this Undraftables team is I may be able to flip my pitching assets for hitting upgrades that give the full trifecta of RUNS, AVG, SB. (Corbin Caroll firmly on my future radar) Maybe I should already be sending feelers, hmmm...
Overall, continue to be quite happy with my team's performance and strategy, (despite last week's loss). As mentioned my goal is to win by a score of 6-4 or tie 5-5, but eventually will have upside to win 7-3 or even 8-2. I'm willing to make adjustments for each week and consider player recommendations to achieve that goal. So far, this has gone better than I expected (whereas this was tougher in the NBA)! One of the bigger takeaways you can glean from this strategy is that there are numerous ways to win a category league. I have won with punt power strategy for 3-4 years now so for me it is "proven winner". (Notate that this punt power strategy has NOT been tested in Roto YET. I plan to test that next year. Is this the best way to "punt power"? No, remember this was an "extra challenge" that I set forth upon myself.) You really don't have to go "Undraftables" (hard mode) like I have! A big takeway is that having superstars (or stars) undeniably will help a build like this do even better (Ronald Acuna, Elly De La Cruz, Witt, Corbin Carroll, etc), but you don't necessarily "need" those superstars. Instead you just need to have the right build or combination of players and a focus on your matchups. (In fantasy and MLB) There are various "useful" players with skill sets that are still worthy. You don't always need "The best player" in everything. (At least NOT IN A CATEGORY LEAGUE) If you have suffered severe injuries to some power hitters (like Trout, Casas, Royce Lewis, Josh Jung) you could transition and/or trade into a "punt power build" to try it out? (Or that could be something you consider further down the road in the season too) If you need help on how to do it, I'm your guy!
I'll provide weekly updates on the team's progress, so let me know if you'd like to follow along or have any suggestions! Thoughts on the team? If you want the previous updates on the team with "How I ended up here" and each week breakdown you can find them in a FB group or I can send them to you in a message. (I wasn't able to post early in season because I changed reddit profiles (hated my username) from last year which had bunches of karma!) (Can't post if you don't have enough karma) Additionally, I'm recruiting for next year, (although this is NOT the central goal of this post) where this unique drafting strategy will be the league's standard for each owner.
submitted by SlightlyAnonymous87 to fantasybaseball [link] [comments]
This challenge was initially undertook with the NBA and it was fun, so decided to extend it to MLB as well. The rules are simple: Cannot select any player who has an Average Draft Position (ADP), regardless of how high or low it may be. Even if a player's ADP is 250+, they are off-limits if they have any average draft position. The draft took place on Sunday, April 7th. Admittedly, this was after the start of the season, but my focus had been primarily on the NBA season, leaving me with limited time to prepare for baseball. Nevertheless, managed to squeeze in most of my MLB prep work within a few days/week. This is a standard 12 team head to head category league on yahoo with 6 adds per week. The buy-in was lower than my usual, but not free (inactivity and too easy).
Here was the draft results:
- (6) Lance McCullers Jr. (HOU - SP)
- (19) Drew Rasmussen (TB - SP)
- (30) Dustin May (LAD - SP)
- (43) Ronel Blanco (HOU - SP,RP)
- (54) Brady Singer (KC - SP)
- (67) Paul Blackburn (OAK - SP)
- (78) Cody Bradford (TEX - SP,RP)
- (91) Chad Green (TOR - RP)
- (102) Steven Matz (STL - SP,RP)
- (115) Tanner Houck (BOS - SP)
- (126) Tyler Anderson (LAA - SP)
- (139) Spencer Turnbull (PHI - SP)
- (150) Connor Joe (PIT - 1B,OF)
- (163) José Caballero (TB - 2B,SS)
- (174) Gio Urshela (DET - 1B,3B,SS)
- (187) Will Brennan (CLE - OF)
- (198) Jake McCarthy (AZ - OF)
- (211) Jorge Mateo (BAL - SS)
- (222) Dairon Blanco (KC - OF)
- (235) Jacob Young (WSH - OF)
- (246) Bubba Thompson (CIN - OF)
- (259) Trevor Williams (WSH - SP)
- (270) Reese McGuire (BOS - C)
- Taijuan Walker (wins streamer)
- Bryse Wilson (wins streamer)
- Gavin Stone (wins streamer)
- Josh Lowe (1 FAAB)
- Dairon Blanco
- Sal Frelick (might re add)
- Esteury Ruiz (he just isn't playing or doing anything)
- Taijuan Walker
- Bryse Wilson
- Jameson Taillon (because he missed the start I was worried)
- No trades for this week.
- C: Luis Campusano (for AVG, sorta Runs?)
- 1B: Yandy Diaz (Runs, AVG)
- 2B: Ahmed Rosario (SB, AVG)
- 3B: Maikel Garcia (SB, Runs, maybe AVG, somehow RBI?)
- SS: Jose Caballero (SB, maybe AVG)
- OF: Jacob Young (AVG, SB, maybe R cuz leadoff?)
- OF: Jose Lowe (AVG, SB, possibly R)
- OF: Jackson Merrill (AVG mostly, mid SB, mid R)
- UTL: Jake McCarthy (AVG, SB)
- UTL: Dairon Blanco (AVG, SB)
- SP: George Kirby (Ace)
- SP: Kevin Gauseman (Ace)
- RP: James McArthur (closer)
- RP: Kirby Yates (closer)
- P: Hector Neris (closer)
- P: Cole Ragans (Ace)
- P: Chris Sale (Ace)
- P: Bobby Miller (Ace, but is hurt)
- Bench: Chris Bassit
- Bench: Erick Fedde (Numbers look elite like in the KBO)
- Bench: Jon Gray (2.36era 1.20whip, sell high operation)
- Bench: Garret Crochet (.99whip, high k rate, may sell high)
- Bench: Gavin Stone (streamer, sell high operation)
- IL: Jacob Degrom (ELITE when healthy)
- IL: Max Scherzer (ELITE when healthy)
- IL: Drew Rasmussen (almost elite when healthy, bit underrated)
- IL: Kodai Senga (almost elite when healthy)
No trades to report on this week. I was slightly less active trading and sending offers out this past week than I usually am. I still intend on selling high on Jon Gray and possibly Crochet (cuz innings limits concerns), and my streamer who just had an awesome start TUES Gavin Stone. Three for 1 package deal of course. I will be going after those buy low SP. I have no issues holding onto Jon Gray or Crochet either.
My matchup for this current week features an opponent who has only 22sb on the season compared to my 39. They only have hit for .243 average compared to my .251 so I feel pretty confident I can win at least those 2 offensive categories. Since we are two days in I'm actually ahead in runs at this moment too, however I doubt that will last since they are 4th in overall runs on the season. For pitching I'm absolutely dominant in the season stats. I am the LEADER in every single category. Pretty awesome considering the way I started at the draft! (It helps that players I took were absolutely incredible to start the year and I have streamed in many strong names). A deeper look on the pitching though they have 7 starts remaining vs my 5. I'm severely ahead thus far though with 4 wins, 26k, 0.94era, 0.70whip. So I absolutely have no real need to stream more SP. This is the manager that I traded some of my former SP like Tanner Houck, Seth Lugo, Jordan Hicks and Spencer Turnbull. They only have 2 closers compared to my 3 so I like my odds there too. I do predict a likely 7-3 victory for me this week.
In terms of the moves I have made already this week and my future moves this week: I secured a real nice speed and contact hitter in Josh Lowe! Feels like he will fit it on my squad perfectly! And it gets rid of my weakest hitter Ruiz. When I added in Dairon Blanco it's purely a speed play really. He may still be replaceable if this weekly matchup is close in runs and I need them later in week. Sal Frelick is an option to re add as well as other leadoff hitters across the majors. (Frelick hasn't been batting leadoff) I'm glad I held the line on Fedde and Crochet. I almost was going to drop them to stream in more starting pitchers. Late in the week I knew it was close in wins and I had no chance to win the ratios so I streamed in a few extra SP and cut Taillon. I certainly could have tried harder to "sell high" on him. Gavin Stone is fine on my roster, but I may actually add a pitcher with higher upside to both dangle in trades and/or just keep on team. I been in talks to obtain Jarren Duran or Brice Turang (both owned by the same manager) so that might be something that happens for the next update!
Bit of strategy talk here regarding my team build. The goal of a punt power build is to win 2 offensive categories (Ideally 3 eventually, R, AVG, SB) and win 4-5 pitching categories. (If you are able to obtain closers you have upside to win 5 pitching cats, if you punt saves then your upside is 4 and you would be more consistently likely to win WINS and K categories) I technically currently have the upside to win all 5 pitching and 2 hitting categories. (If I gain runs value I would even have maximum upside of 8 categories! 5+3=8) Remember that in category leagues you ONLY NEED TO WIN 6 categories folks! This is the benefit of punting! (And technically in h2h playoffs you can have a tie 5-5 and still advance to next round due to season standings and matchup ranking!) I think punting gives you less variance than other builds? Or maybe this less variance is just from having high AVG contact hitters? Discuss? (Could be an ongoing discussion throughout the season)
There is an interesting topic to bring up regarding trading for hitters who fit the "punt power" type of team build. I think buying low on Kwan and Trea Turner now become viable possibilities for my team and other punt power teams that may exist out there! If you have any other names that could be buy low, I'm all ears. Remember to always keep an eye out for prospects coming up who have the skills that you want/need! Sometimes you can trade away your current assets that you have for upgrades at weak positions on your team and then fill those holes of the guys you traded away with prospects who are coming up soon or have already come up. (Or a hot waiver wire bat that will fill in temporarily) In this way you become a team with "less weaknesses" (Of course that advice can apply to all sorts of type of team builds in head to head category leagues). What this means for this Undraftables team is I may be able to flip my pitching assets for hitting upgrades that give the full trifecta of RUNS, AVG, SB. (Corbin Caroll firmly on my future radar) Maybe I should already be sending feelers, hmmm...
Overall, continue to be quite happy with my team's performance and strategy, (despite last week's loss). As mentioned my goal is to win by a score of 6-4 or tie 5-5, but eventually will have upside to win 7-3 or even 8-2. I'm willing to make adjustments for each week and consider player recommendations to achieve that goal. So far, this has gone better than I expected (whereas this was tougher in the NBA)! One of the bigger takeaways you can glean from this strategy is that there are numerous ways to win a category league. I have won with punt power strategy for 3-4 years now so for me it is "proven winner". (Notate that this punt power strategy has NOT been tested in Roto YET. I plan to test that next year. Is this the best way to "punt power"? No, remember this was an "extra challenge" that I set forth upon myself.) You really don't have to go "Undraftables" (hard mode) like I have! A big takeway is that having superstars (or stars) undeniably will help a build like this do even better (Ronald Acuna, Elly De La Cruz, Witt, Corbin Carroll, etc), but you don't necessarily "need" those superstars. Instead you just need to have the right build or combination of players and a focus on your matchups. (In fantasy and MLB) There are various "useful" players with skill sets that are still worthy. You don't always need "The best player" in everything. (At least NOT IN A CATEGORY LEAGUE) If you have suffered severe injuries to some power hitters (like Trout, Casas, Royce Lewis, Josh Jung) you could transition and/or trade into a "punt power build" to try it out? (Or that could be something you consider further down the road in the season too) If you need help on how to do it, I'm your guy!
I'll provide weekly updates on the team's progress, so let me know if you'd like to follow along or have any suggestions! Thoughts on the team? If you want the previous updates on the team with "How I ended up here" and each week breakdown you can find them in a FB group or I can send them to you in a message. (I wasn't able to post early in season because I changed reddit profiles (hated my username) from last year which had bunches of karma!) (Can't post if you don't have enough karma) Additionally, I'm recruiting for next year, (although this is NOT the central goal of this post) where this unique drafting strategy will be the league's standard for each owner.
2024.05.15 01:16 Haunting-Band-2763 Hazbin Hotel - Episode 1, Season 1: Overture - (Genderswap)
(An animation shows black and white clouds parting)
Charles: (Off-screen) Once upon a time, there was a glowing city protected by golden gates known as Heaven. It was ruled by beings of pure light. Angels that worshipped good and shielded all from evil. Lucy was one of these angels. She was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But she was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt her way of thinking was dangerous to the perder of their world. So she watched as the angels began to expand the universe in their ways. From the dust of Earth, they created Eve (I couldn't think of a female name that looked like Adam) and Lilian. Equals as the first of mankind, but despite this, Eve demanded control and Lilian refused to submit to her will. He fled the garden. Drawn in by his fierce independence, Lucy found him and the two rebellious dreamers fell deeply in love. Together, they wished to share the magic of free will with humanity, offering the fruit of knowledge to Eve's new groom, Adam, who gladly accepted. But this gift came with a curse. For the single act of disobedience, evil finally found its way into Earth. With it, a new realm of darkness and sin. And the order Heaven had worked to maintain was shattered. As punishment for their reckless act, Heaven cast Lucy and her love into the dark pit she had created, never allowing her to see the good that came from humanity, only the cruel and the wicked. Ashamed, Lucy lost her will to dream. But Lilian thrived, empowering demon-kind with his voice and his songs. And as the numbers of Hell grew, so did its power. Threatened by this, Heaven made a truly heartless decision. That every year, they would send down an army, an extermination to ensure Hell and its sinners could never rise against them. But Lilian's hope remained. And his dream was passed down to their precious son, the Prince of Hell. (The prince shuts the "Story Of Hell" book) (On-screen) Don't worry, Dad. I'll make you proud. (He holds a key)
Vagner: Charles?
Charles: Augh! (The key turns into a cat) Oh, shit. Did you hear all that?
Vagner: Uh... Yeah, I was right there.
Charles: Sorry. I get worked up after an extermination happens. This story helps.
Vagner: (chuckles) I know. Don't worry. I enjoy your theatrics. Are you okay?
Charles: I'm fine, just...Thinking, ya know, family stuff.
Vagner: Did you hear from your dad yet?
(Charles shakes his head saying no)
Vagner: Oof. How long has it been now?
Charles: Not that long, only...Seven...Years...Off something important, I'm sure. But this kingdom was something he really cared about. Something I care about.
Vagner: Well, at least you aren't alone.
Charles: I just hope what I'm trying to do here will work.
Vagner: It will. I have faith in you.
(The cat hopes on Charles)
Vagner: All right. Come on. Alice says she has something to show us.
(Vagner heads to the door and Charles look out of the window and see Hell on fire and goes)
(A commercial plays)
Alice: Well, hello there you wayward sinner. Do you like blood, violence and depravity of a sexual nature? Of course you do. That's why you're in Hell! But what would you say there was a place to stay that had none of that? Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded five days ago by Lucy's delusional son Charleson Morningstar! Come place your fate in his inexperienced hands as he tries to work through his mommy issues by fixing you! Here, we offer fun thing! Such as somewhat functional staff! And 24 hour Pest Control! Custom rooms, and just look at this tacky parlor! Enjoy riveting conversation with our singular resident. Wow! All this and more at the Hazbin Hotel! You last desperate attempt at salvation starts here.
(The tv suits off)
Alice: So, what'd ya' think?
Vagner: I'm sorry, what the fuck was that?!
Charles: Uh, yeah, one note...Alice, I mean...First off, thank you so much for making this, seriously, amazing, but um...Maybe the tone is a bit...Off? We want people to want to come here, this makes it look...Ummm...
Vagner: Bad. The word you're looking for is "bad".
Alice: Funny, I was going for hilarious!
Vagner: It didn't explain anything about how we're trying to save demons from extermination, which is the whole fucking point.
Charles: Vagner is right, Alice. The commercial was to let sinners know we are trying to help them.
Alice: Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time, and everyone remembers me from my radio show! The proper medium to express oneself! But YOU insisted on this noisy picture box adversiment! So I had a little fun with it.
Vagner: Oh, fun? You had a little fun with it? (Stand on the sofa) Well, this is not what we want to represent us. When you showed up here a week ago, you told us you would help run the hotel! Instead, you're mocking us. Nobody's going to want to come to a place that a powerful overlord like you thinks is a waste of time!
(A demon on a sofa raises her hand)
Vagner: What?
Angela: If'n ya filmin' a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here?
Vagner: Angela, you're a porn star.
Angela: A famous porn star. I'll have the horniest sinners knockin' these walls down to get in.
Vagner: We are not filming a porn as a commercial.
Angela: Why not? Sex sells, don't it? I swear if you film me goin' at it with mistress fancy-talk-creepy-voice here, you'd rollin' in participants willin' to stay at this tacky hotel.
Alice: Haha! Never going to happen!
Charles: Angela, I appreciate you wanting to use you special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but...I really don't want to exploit you, in that way!
Angela: Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity-- Oh-oh I got the legs! The gag reflex, the holes...
(Charles laughs uncomfortably and his phone rings with his mom calling)
Angela: The small tits that make everyone think I'm a man...
Charles: Uhhh, hold that thought. I'll be right back! (Walks away)
Angela: I could keep goin' all night, baby.
(Charles breathes and answers the phone)
Charles: Hello? Mom?
Angela: Hey, I have a question. If freaky face over there is so powerful, then why can't she just make people stay here?
Alice: Oh, trust me, (ominously) I can!
Hisky: Why the hell do you think I'm here?
(The camera goes to Hisky at the bar)
Hisky: You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fuck's bitches moan all the time if she wasn't forcin' me?
Niffter: I like being forced!
Hisky: Keep that to yourself, Niff.
Angela: What, you don't like being here with me, Whiskers?
Hisky: Call me "Whiskers" again and I'll that bottle down your throat.
Angela: Kinky. But I like pussies. But keep talkin' dirty.
Vagner: Ugh, Angela, let Hisky do her job. And no, we can't force sinners to stay here. They need to choose to.
Angela: I'm choosing to be here, and I think is all stupid. We're in Hell, toots. It's kind of the end of the road, ain't it?
Vagner: Well, maybe it doesn't have to be. Just because nobody has made it before doesn't mean is not possible. (Angela pust her arm in his shoulder)
Angela: Hey, whatever means I can keep crashin' here rent free. Crack is expensive.
Charles: (excitedly) Yeah, I can! Totally. Yeah, I'll head over there right away...Okay. (Turns off the phone) Hah! YES! YES!! Hahahaha!! Vagner! Holy shit!
Vagner: Ahh! What?!
Charles: (through closed mouth) Get over here!
(Vagner sighs and goes to where Charles is)
Vagner: What's going on?
Charles: (Inhales) My mom just called. She said that the leader of the Angel Army wants to meet. She asked if I could go instead. (Breathes deeply)
Vagner: But... But...But the extermination just happened. What would they want this soon after...
Charles: (Singing) I can do this. Somehow, I know it I'll get Heaven behind my plan!
Vagner: Charles, hold on.
Charles: There's just no way I could blow it. Not this once a lifetime change!
Vagner: It's just a meeting.
Charles: To change their minds. And touch their hearts. Or whatever angels have.
Vagner: This could be bad.
Charles: Cheer up, Vagner. This could be swell. Something tells that today will be a happy day in Hell!
Vagner: Okay, but just don't... sing to them.
Angela: That motherfucker is halfway down the street.
Vagner: Is he...
Angela: Oh, he's dancin'.
Vagner: Ugh, no.
Charles: There's a warm fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air! Every street so revealing it's hard not to stare. It's a realm so appealing it beats anywhere! If you don't mind the smell! It's a happy day in Hell! Hi, miss!
Demon: Go fuck yourself!
Dead Sinner #1: There's a endless trash fire that's burnig my soul!
Charles: Hello!
Imp: There's a lot of barbed wire to shove in her holes!
Charles: Uh, excuse me...
Executioner: Doing what is required we all have a role!
Dead Sinner #2: I'm not doing well!
Ensemble: Another shitty day in Hell!
Charles: If I can show them the dream I've dreamed, that any soul can change!
Vagner: Those angels minds are hard to change!
Charles: Then they know that everyone can be redeemed from the evil to the strange!
Vagner: They're bloodthirsty and deranged!
Charles: I can hear all their stories, the lost and the displaced! And I know that they're of an acquired taste! But if I open the door and give them a place at my Hazbin Hotel it'll be a happy day in Hell! (Jumps in the back of a truck) From the porn studio where the cinephiles go to watch award winning demon bukkake shows to the Cannibal Town where they don't wear a frown 'cause...Holy shit, ew, my gosh, why?! And I don't give a crow that her brains got in my eye! Cause I know I can spare them from Heaven's genocide! I can do this...
Dead Sinner #1: There's an endless trash fire...
Charles: I just know it! Dead Sinner #1: That's burning my soul!
Chorus: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Charles: I'll get Heaven behind my plans! There's just no way I could blow it!
Demon Sinner #3: I kinda like the barbed wire that's shoved in my hole!
Charles: Not this once in a lifetime chance! To change their minds!
Trenchcoat Demon: And touch my parts!
Charles: Oh...No, thank you. I'm just gonna...Fullfill my destiny!
Trenchcoat Demon: Your loss fucker!
Charles: I can already tell! Today is gonna be a fucking happy day in Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell! (Charles enters at the lobby) Hello? (echoes) Hello? Creepy...(He goes to the reception, rings the bell in the table and a paper and a feather pen appear in front of him) Oh, okay! Also creepy. (Signs the paper)
(Elevator doors open, Charles goes to them and enters in a dark room)
Charles: Hello? Is anyone here?
(The lights turn on)
Eve: 'Sup?
Charles: Holy shit! (Falls in the floor and gets up) Hi, I'm Charles. My mom asked if I could meet you.
Eve: Yeah, I know.
Charles: Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. (Stands his hand)
Eve: Totally. Nice to meet you, too. (Stands her hand)
(Charles hand passes through Eve's hand)
Charles: Ahh!
Eve: Ha! I fucking got you! Did you fuckin' see that?
(Luther shaves his head in yes)
Eve: Good shit!
Charles: Uh, so wait, you aren't here?
Eve: No, you think I'd come down there? (Laughs) No. I mean, I love the vibe, totally, I love your tunes. Pretty fuckin' hardcore, don't get me wrong. But, it's such a bummer, man. Everything down there's just so "eugh" ya know? (Chuckles) Ew.
Charles: Right. So I'm happy we got this opportunity to meet. There's a project I've been working on that I really want to talk to you about...(Eve puts her finger in his mouth)
Eve: Hey, hey, hey, slow down. We got time. How about we get to know each other, mm? How about some lunch? You hungry? I got you! (Shows a plate with ribs) Here's my personal favourite. You'll love it.
Charles: Uh, thanks! (His arms passes through the plate of ribs)
Eve: (Laughing) I got you again, fucker! Haha fuckin' hilarious! Haha!
(Back at the Hazbin Hotel, everyone is at the lobby)
Vagner: Okay, so Charles is dealing with something very important, so while he's gone, we are making a new commercial. One that representants his vision and what we're doing here. So we need a camera. Alice?
(Alice snaps her fingers and an old camera appears in Vagner's hand)
Vagner: A video camera.
Alice: Hmmm. (Snaps her fingers)
(A video camera appears in Vagner's hand)
Vagner: All right, let's do this!
(Vagner films Angela sitting at the bar)
Vagner: And...Action!
Hisky: "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, can I help you with anything?"
Angela: "I've been a bad girl. And I need a big strong mommy to put me in my place...On the path to redemption!"
Hisky: Ugh! "Well, you come..."
Angela: "Oh yes!"
Hisky: (boredly) "To the right place!"
Vagner: Cut! Okay, Angela, I need you to be less horny, if possible. And Hisky, can you maybe not have a script in front of your face?
Hisky: (Angrily) I ain't no actress, I can't memorize this shit!
Angela: Well, we could improve this shit, baby cakes! (Purrs seductively and Hisky push her out of the counter) Ahh!
Hisky: Whoops. (Drink a bottle)
Vagner: Hisky, come on!
(Meanwhile, Charles is bored)
Eve: So I was playing this gig, and for some fucking reason this virtue boy was digging on the drummer, and it's like, do you know who I am? I'm fucking Eve. I'm the original pussy! All pussies descend from me. You think you like a drummer pussy? No way, I'm the Pussy-fucking master! (Eats sloppily) So anyway, then we fucked, and it was awesome. What'd you do this weekend?
Charles: Wait, your name is Eve? Like the first woman? That means you...Ohhh...(Enlightened) That explains so much.
Eve: I know. I fucking rock.
Charles: Well, Eve, ma'am. Mrs. Eve, ma'am.
Eve: Call me Pussymaster.
Charles: Eve, you seem like a smart...well, stand up girl.
Eve: (With the finger in her teeth) Uh-huh.
Charles: And I know you are the leader of the angels. And you are a bigger revolutionary, a...A genius!
Eve: I maen, your words, babe.
Charles: Who would really her name on something.
Eve: Fucking love putting my name on shit! Shit's the best!
Charles: It's a solution to our biggest problem!
Eve: Oh, herpes. Yeah, that's a bitch.
Charles: No! Our other biggest problem.
Eve: Oh, uh...Ugly people? (Looks at the camera) Math? Global warming? Nah, wait that's Earth's problem. Umm...
(At the hotel, a bug walks in the floor and a needle tries to stab it saverel times)
Niffter: Hehehe. Stab. Stab. Stab.
Vagner: Alright Niffter. Niffter? Niffter! (Stops him) Your line is "We have the cleanest rooms". Okay?
Niffter: Got it. I'm ready.
Vagner: (Turns on the camera) Action!
(Niffter looks at the camera with his pupil constricted and Angela and Vagner look at him confused and he keeps staring weirdly)
Vagner: Uhh...Cut. (Turns off the camera)
(Niffter smiles again)
Niffter: (Giggles) How was that?
Vagner: Well, Niffter, you actually have to say the line. So let's roll again.
Niffter: Okay!
Vagner: Action. (Turns on the camera)
(Niffter stares deeply at the camera)
Angela: You're doing great, Vagina!
Vagner: Cut! Alright, um, maybe wr can try to fix it in the post.
Angela: Do you even know what that means?
Vagner: (Angrily) I'll figure it out!
(In the lobby, Vagner is watching the video with the camera connected to the tv)
Hisky: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel.
(Vagner groans, covers his eyes and Alice appears in his side)
Alice: Seems like you're having a bit of trouble there, hm?
Vagner: Ugh, esta pendeja...Why are you even here?
Alice: For the entertainment! I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and fail spectacularly. Like you are doing now! Good job!
Vagner: (Turns on the camera) And here is Alice, the egocentric piece of shit that...
(Alice gets static on the camera and it starts to spark and Vagner screams and knocks the camera down)
Alice: I wouldn't try that, my darling. (Sinisterly) This face was made for radio.
Vagner: (Gets angry) That's it! I don't care who or what you are! If you are staying here you are going to make this work! Beause it won't be so "entertaining" to watch an empty hotel will it, shit ass?! (Turns around and walks away)
Alice: Fair enough. I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal.
Vagner: Pft! You think I'm that stupid? Making a deal with a demon like you.
Alice: Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again. Or...Charles can come back to absolutely nothing! Your choice.
Vagner: (Sighs) Fine. (Gets the video camera and raises in Alice's hand and green ghosted skulls fly around it)
Alice: Now then! (Makes the camera disappear and snaps her fingers)
(Angela, Hisky and Niffter, a lot of filming materials and a ghost recording team appear in the lobby and everyone gets tailor clothes)
Vagner: Alright, everyone! Let's make a fucking commercial.
(Meanwhile)
Eve:...When you take him out for the fifth time and he still expects you to pay the check, but you're like, (In deep voice) "Hey I thought you wanted equality"!
Charles: (Frustrated) No! Our shared problem of overpopulation in Hell!
Eve: (Normal) Oh! Well, that's not a problem! We got that covered! Luther, how many demons did you kill this year?
Luther: Got a good 275 this year, ma'am.
Eve: 275? Whoa, badass! Awesome job, danger dick! Pound it. (Punch fists with Luther)
Charles: Uh, no, not awesome. Those are my people, you know that, right?
Eve: Ohhh, yeah...That must suck for you. Pft...Hahahaha! Charles: But these are souls. Human souls, just the same as the ones you have in Heaven.
Luther: They're not the same. They had their chance and they earned damnation.
Charles: You're wrong. Sinners made mistakes, sure, but everyone makes mistakes.
Luther: Angels don't make mistakes.
Charles: You really think that?
Luther: I know that.
Eve: Yeah, I've never made a mistake in my fucking life.
Luther: The only reason you're still here is because Mommy gave you and your Hellborn-kind a pardon from an exorcist blade. How does that feel? To know how little you matter.
(Charles shrinks back)
Eve: Oops, almost out of time. Guess we should get into it...
Charles: Oh! Fuck!...(Get up from the chair) Okay. I've a lot to get through and not a lot of time and I feel like you weren't really hearing before, so here goes. (Clears throat) (Singing) I know Hell's population is out of control. It's a bad situation, it's taking a toll. If we rehabe these sinners and cleanse all their souls at my Hazbin Hotel! (Normal) Wait I'm getting ahead of myself! Right! Extermination! (Singing) I know you guys fly down just to kill once a year. And it must be annoying to schlep all the way here. If they join you in Heaven that trip disappears! You can wave that chore farewell! (Deep breath) It'll be a happy day in...
Eve: (Singing) Let me stop you right there, save us all precious time!
Charles: (Normal) Okay?
Eve: If what you're suggesting is letting them climb! Up the ladder. Oh they rather cross the Pearly Gates? Sorry, sweetie, but there's no defying in their fates! 'Cause Hell is forever wheter you like it or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot! 'Cause the rules are black and white there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again!
Charles: Okay, but...
Eve: Just try to chillax, babe, you're wasting your breath!
Charles: (Nervously) Hehe...
Eve: Did I hear you imply that they deserve death? Are they winners? Are they sinners? 'Cause it's cut and dry!
Charles: Actually, if you take a look...
Eve: Fair is fair, an eye for an eye! And when all's said and done! (Said and done) There's the question of fun! (Fun) And for those of us with divine ordainment, extermination is entertainment! (Imitates guitar) Guitar solo, fuck yeah! (Imitates guitar) Hell is forever whether you like or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot!
Charles: Where all these people come from?
Eve: 'Cause the rules are black and white, there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again! (materializes a guitar and play it) Fucking Hell is forever and it's meant to suck a lot! So give up your dumb endeavor 'cause you don't have a shot!
(Charles groans, his paper gets on fire and his hair moves in the air and horns appear in his head)
Eve: Long as I've got your attention, I guess In should probably mention that we made a determination (Shows a contract) To move up the next extermination!
Charles: What?!
Eve: Can't wait a whole year to slaughter those little cunts! (Holds Charles' wrist) I know is just been a week, but we'll be back in six months! (Spins Charles out of the room and plays her guitar)
Charles: Um, wait, didn't you...(Goes at the door, but it closes) Awh, shit! (Punches the door)
(Charles returns sad to the Hazbin Hotel)
Vagner: Charles! (Hugs him) How did it go? Did they listen?
Charles: Oh, uh...They sure did...hear it! But, um...
Vagner: Oh! Come here. We have something exciting to show you! (Holds Charles to the living room) Alice pulled some strings, and it's about to air.
Alice: I pulled a few limbs too! Hahaha!
Charles: Wait? The commercial? You all made a new one?
Angela: Yeah, one of my better performances, if I do can say so myself.
Charles: That's...That's amazing.
Angela: Shh! It's starting!
Vagner: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hot...
(The TV changes to the 666 News channel and everyone complains)
Kallie: (On TV) Breaking news in Hell today! We have just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next extermination is happening sooner than ever before! Do you know what that means, Tomita?
Tomita: No. What does that means, Kallie?
Kallie: It means we are all royally fucked!
(The clock in an hourglass changes to 176 with everyone screaming)
Angela: Wait...What? Why?!
(A drone laser scans a headless body of an angel laying in Hell and Eve and Luther see then from the ship)
Luther: We found the body, ma'am. They've never managed to kill one of us before. We should just go down there now and destroy them!
Eve: No, no. We can't risk them catching on. But don't worry, when we come back, there won't be a demon left to pull a stunt like this again. (Breaks the projector and her eyes and mouth glow in the dark)
(The end credits start playing)
submitted by Haunting-Band-2763 to hazbin [link] [comments]
Charles: (Off-screen) Once upon a time, there was a glowing city protected by golden gates known as Heaven. It was ruled by beings of pure light. Angels that worshipped good and shielded all from evil. Lucy was one of these angels. She was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But she was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt her way of thinking was dangerous to the perder of their world. So she watched as the angels began to expand the universe in their ways. From the dust of Earth, they created Eve (I couldn't think of a female name that looked like Adam) and Lilian. Equals as the first of mankind, but despite this, Eve demanded control and Lilian refused to submit to her will. He fled the garden. Drawn in by his fierce independence, Lucy found him and the two rebellious dreamers fell deeply in love. Together, they wished to share the magic of free will with humanity, offering the fruit of knowledge to Eve's new groom, Adam, who gladly accepted. But this gift came with a curse. For the single act of disobedience, evil finally found its way into Earth. With it, a new realm of darkness and sin. And the order Heaven had worked to maintain was shattered. As punishment for their reckless act, Heaven cast Lucy and her love into the dark pit she had created, never allowing her to see the good that came from humanity, only the cruel and the wicked. Ashamed, Lucy lost her will to dream. But Lilian thrived, empowering demon-kind with his voice and his songs. And as the numbers of Hell grew, so did its power. Threatened by this, Heaven made a truly heartless decision. That every year, they would send down an army, an extermination to ensure Hell and its sinners could never rise against them. But Lilian's hope remained. And his dream was passed down to their precious son, the Prince of Hell. (The prince shuts the "Story Of Hell" book) (On-screen) Don't worry, Dad. I'll make you proud. (He holds a key)
Vagner: Charles?
Charles: Augh! (The key turns into a cat) Oh, shit. Did you hear all that?
Vagner: Uh... Yeah, I was right there.
Charles: Sorry. I get worked up after an extermination happens. This story helps.
Vagner: (chuckles) I know. Don't worry. I enjoy your theatrics. Are you okay?
Charles: I'm fine, just...Thinking, ya know, family stuff.
Vagner: Did you hear from your dad yet?
(Charles shakes his head saying no)
Vagner: Oof. How long has it been now?
Charles: Not that long, only...Seven...Years...Off something important, I'm sure. But this kingdom was something he really cared about. Something I care about.
Vagner: Well, at least you aren't alone.
Charles: I just hope what I'm trying to do here will work.
Vagner: It will. I have faith in you.
(The cat hopes on Charles)
Vagner: All right. Come on. Alice says she has something to show us.
(Vagner heads to the door and Charles look out of the window and see Hell on fire and goes)
(A commercial plays)
Alice: Well, hello there you wayward sinner. Do you like blood, violence and depravity of a sexual nature? Of course you do. That's why you're in Hell! But what would you say there was a place to stay that had none of that? Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded five days ago by Lucy's delusional son Charleson Morningstar! Come place your fate in his inexperienced hands as he tries to work through his mommy issues by fixing you! Here, we offer fun thing! Such as somewhat functional staff! And 24 hour Pest Control! Custom rooms, and just look at this tacky parlor! Enjoy riveting conversation with our singular resident. Wow! All this and more at the Hazbin Hotel! You last desperate attempt at salvation starts here.
(The tv suits off)
Alice: So, what'd ya' think?
Vagner: I'm sorry, what the fuck was that?!
Charles: Uh, yeah, one note...Alice, I mean...First off, thank you so much for making this, seriously, amazing, but um...Maybe the tone is a bit...Off? We want people to want to come here, this makes it look...Ummm...
Vagner: Bad. The word you're looking for is "bad".
Alice: Funny, I was going for hilarious!
Vagner: It didn't explain anything about how we're trying to save demons from extermination, which is the whole fucking point.
Charles: Vagner is right, Alice. The commercial was to let sinners know we are trying to help them.
Alice: Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time, and everyone remembers me from my radio show! The proper medium to express oneself! But YOU insisted on this noisy picture box adversiment! So I had a little fun with it.
Vagner: Oh, fun? You had a little fun with it? (Stand on the sofa) Well, this is not what we want to represent us. When you showed up here a week ago, you told us you would help run the hotel! Instead, you're mocking us. Nobody's going to want to come to a place that a powerful overlord like you thinks is a waste of time!
(A demon on a sofa raises her hand)
Vagner: What?
Angela: If'n ya filmin' a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here?
Vagner: Angela, you're a porn star.
Angela: A famous porn star. I'll have the horniest sinners knockin' these walls down to get in.
Vagner: We are not filming a porn as a commercial.
Angela: Why not? Sex sells, don't it? I swear if you film me goin' at it with mistress fancy-talk-creepy-voice here, you'd rollin' in participants willin' to stay at this tacky hotel.
Alice: Haha! Never going to happen!
Charles: Angela, I appreciate you wanting to use you special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but...I really don't want to exploit you, in that way!
Angela: Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity-- Oh-oh I got the legs! The gag reflex, the holes...
(Charles laughs uncomfortably and his phone rings with his mom calling)
Angela: The small tits that make everyone think I'm a man...
Charles: Uhhh, hold that thought. I'll be right back! (Walks away)
Angela: I could keep goin' all night, baby.
(Charles breathes and answers the phone)
Charles: Hello? Mom?
Angela: Hey, I have a question. If freaky face over there is so powerful, then why can't she just make people stay here?
Alice: Oh, trust me, (ominously) I can!
Hisky: Why the hell do you think I'm here?
(The camera goes to Hisky at the bar)
Hisky: You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fuck's bitches moan all the time if she wasn't forcin' me?
Niffter: I like being forced!
Hisky: Keep that to yourself, Niff.
Angela: What, you don't like being here with me, Whiskers?
Hisky: Call me "Whiskers" again and I'll that bottle down your throat.
Angela: Kinky. But I like pussies. But keep talkin' dirty.
Vagner: Ugh, Angela, let Hisky do her job. And no, we can't force sinners to stay here. They need to choose to.
Angela: I'm choosing to be here, and I think is all stupid. We're in Hell, toots. It's kind of the end of the road, ain't it?
Vagner: Well, maybe it doesn't have to be. Just because nobody has made it before doesn't mean is not possible. (Angela pust her arm in his shoulder)
Angela: Hey, whatever means I can keep crashin' here rent free. Crack is expensive.
Charles: (excitedly) Yeah, I can! Totally. Yeah, I'll head over there right away...Okay. (Turns off the phone) Hah! YES! YES!! Hahahaha!! Vagner! Holy shit!
Vagner: Ahh! What?!
Charles: (through closed mouth) Get over here!
(Vagner sighs and goes to where Charles is)
Vagner: What's going on?
Charles: (Inhales) My mom just called. She said that the leader of the Angel Army wants to meet. She asked if I could go instead. (Breathes deeply)
Vagner: But... But...But the extermination just happened. What would they want this soon after...
Charles: (Singing) I can do this. Somehow, I know it I'll get Heaven behind my plan!
Vagner: Charles, hold on.
Charles: There's just no way I could blow it. Not this once a lifetime change!
Vagner: It's just a meeting.
Charles: To change their minds. And touch their hearts. Or whatever angels have.
Vagner: This could be bad.
Charles: Cheer up, Vagner. This could be swell. Something tells that today will be a happy day in Hell!
Vagner: Okay, but just don't... sing to them.
Angela: That motherfucker is halfway down the street.
Vagner: Is he...
Angela: Oh, he's dancin'.
Vagner: Ugh, no.
Charles: There's a warm fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air! Every street so revealing it's hard not to stare. It's a realm so appealing it beats anywhere! If you don't mind the smell! It's a happy day in Hell! Hi, miss!
Demon: Go fuck yourself!
Dead Sinner #1: There's a endless trash fire that's burnig my soul!
Charles: Hello!
Imp: There's a lot of barbed wire to shove in her holes!
Charles: Uh, excuse me...
Executioner: Doing what is required we all have a role!
Dead Sinner #2: I'm not doing well!
Ensemble: Another shitty day in Hell!
Charles: If I can show them the dream I've dreamed, that any soul can change!
Vagner: Those angels minds are hard to change!
Charles: Then they know that everyone can be redeemed from the evil to the strange!
Vagner: They're bloodthirsty and deranged!
Charles: I can hear all their stories, the lost and the displaced! And I know that they're of an acquired taste! But if I open the door and give them a place at my Hazbin Hotel it'll be a happy day in Hell! (Jumps in the back of a truck) From the porn studio where the cinephiles go to watch award winning demon bukkake shows to the Cannibal Town where they don't wear a frown 'cause...Holy shit, ew, my gosh, why?! And I don't give a crow that her brains got in my eye! Cause I know I can spare them from Heaven's genocide! I can do this...
Dead Sinner #1: There's an endless trash fire...
Charles: I just know it! Dead Sinner #1: That's burning my soul!
Chorus: Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Charles: I'll get Heaven behind my plans! There's just no way I could blow it!
Demon Sinner #3: I kinda like the barbed wire that's shoved in my hole!
Charles: Not this once in a lifetime chance! To change their minds!
Trenchcoat Demon: And touch my parts!
Charles: Oh...No, thank you. I'm just gonna...Fullfill my destiny!
Trenchcoat Demon: Your loss fucker!
Charles: I can already tell! Today is gonna be a fucking happy day in Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell! (Charles enters at the lobby) Hello? (echoes) Hello? Creepy...(He goes to the reception, rings the bell in the table and a paper and a feather pen appear in front of him) Oh, okay! Also creepy. (Signs the paper)
(Elevator doors open, Charles goes to them and enters in a dark room)
Charles: Hello? Is anyone here?
(The lights turn on)
Eve: 'Sup?
Charles: Holy shit! (Falls in the floor and gets up) Hi, I'm Charles. My mom asked if I could meet you.
Eve: Yeah, I know.
Charles: Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. (Stands his hand)
Eve: Totally. Nice to meet you, too. (Stands her hand)
(Charles hand passes through Eve's hand)
Charles: Ahh!
Eve: Ha! I fucking got you! Did you fuckin' see that?
(Luther shaves his head in yes)
Eve: Good shit!
Charles: Uh, so wait, you aren't here?
Eve: No, you think I'd come down there? (Laughs) No. I mean, I love the vibe, totally, I love your tunes. Pretty fuckin' hardcore, don't get me wrong. But, it's such a bummer, man. Everything down there's just so "eugh" ya know? (Chuckles) Ew.
Charles: Right. So I'm happy we got this opportunity to meet. There's a project I've been working on that I really want to talk to you about...(Eve puts her finger in his mouth)
Eve: Hey, hey, hey, slow down. We got time. How about we get to know each other, mm? How about some lunch? You hungry? I got you! (Shows a plate with ribs) Here's my personal favourite. You'll love it.
Charles: Uh, thanks! (His arms passes through the plate of ribs)
Eve: (Laughing) I got you again, fucker! Haha fuckin' hilarious! Haha!
(Back at the Hazbin Hotel, everyone is at the lobby)
Vagner: Okay, so Charles is dealing with something very important, so while he's gone, we are making a new commercial. One that representants his vision and what we're doing here. So we need a camera. Alice?
(Alice snaps her fingers and an old camera appears in Vagner's hand)
Vagner: A video camera.
Alice: Hmmm. (Snaps her fingers)
(A video camera appears in Vagner's hand)
Vagner: All right, let's do this!
(Vagner films Angela sitting at the bar)
Vagner: And...Action!
Hisky: "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, can I help you with anything?"
Angela: "I've been a bad girl. And I need a big strong mommy to put me in my place...On the path to redemption!"
Hisky: Ugh! "Well, you come..."
Angela: "Oh yes!"
Hisky: (boredly) "To the right place!"
Vagner: Cut! Okay, Angela, I need you to be less horny, if possible. And Hisky, can you maybe not have a script in front of your face?
Hisky: (Angrily) I ain't no actress, I can't memorize this shit!
Angela: Well, we could improve this shit, baby cakes! (Purrs seductively and Hisky push her out of the counter) Ahh!
Hisky: Whoops. (Drink a bottle)
Vagner: Hisky, come on!
(Meanwhile, Charles is bored)
Eve: So I was playing this gig, and for some fucking reason this virtue boy was digging on the drummer, and it's like, do you know who I am? I'm fucking Eve. I'm the original pussy! All pussies descend from me. You think you like a drummer pussy? No way, I'm the Pussy-fucking master! (Eats sloppily) So anyway, then we fucked, and it was awesome. What'd you do this weekend?
Charles: Wait, your name is Eve? Like the first woman? That means you...Ohhh...(Enlightened) That explains so much.
Eve: I know. I fucking rock.
Charles: Well, Eve, ma'am. Mrs. Eve, ma'am.
Eve: Call me Pussymaster.
Charles: Eve, you seem like a smart...well, stand up girl.
Eve: (With the finger in her teeth) Uh-huh.
Charles: And I know you are the leader of the angels. And you are a bigger revolutionary, a...A genius!
Eve: I maen, your words, babe.
Charles: Who would really her name on something.
Eve: Fucking love putting my name on shit! Shit's the best!
Charles: It's a solution to our biggest problem!
Eve: Oh, herpes. Yeah, that's a bitch.
Charles: No! Our other biggest problem.
Eve: Oh, uh...Ugly people? (Looks at the camera) Math? Global warming? Nah, wait that's Earth's problem. Umm...
(At the hotel, a bug walks in the floor and a needle tries to stab it saverel times)
Niffter: Hehehe. Stab. Stab. Stab.
Vagner: Alright Niffter. Niffter? Niffter! (Stops him) Your line is "We have the cleanest rooms". Okay?
Niffter: Got it. I'm ready.
Vagner: (Turns on the camera) Action!
(Niffter looks at the camera with his pupil constricted and Angela and Vagner look at him confused and he keeps staring weirdly)
Vagner: Uhh...Cut. (Turns off the camera)
(Niffter smiles again)
Niffter: (Giggles) How was that?
Vagner: Well, Niffter, you actually have to say the line. So let's roll again.
Niffter: Okay!
Vagner: Action. (Turns on the camera)
(Niffter stares deeply at the camera)
Angela: You're doing great, Vagina!
Vagner: Cut! Alright, um, maybe wr can try to fix it in the post.
Angela: Do you even know what that means?
Vagner: (Angrily) I'll figure it out!
(In the lobby, Vagner is watching the video with the camera connected to the tv)
Hisky: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel.
(Vagner groans, covers his eyes and Alice appears in his side)
Alice: Seems like you're having a bit of trouble there, hm?
Vagner: Ugh, esta pendeja...Why are you even here?
Alice: For the entertainment! I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and fail spectacularly. Like you are doing now! Good job!
Vagner: (Turns on the camera) And here is Alice, the egocentric piece of shit that...
(Alice gets static on the camera and it starts to spark and Vagner screams and knocks the camera down)
Alice: I wouldn't try that, my darling. (Sinisterly) This face was made for radio.
Vagner: (Gets angry) That's it! I don't care who or what you are! If you are staying here you are going to make this work! Beause it won't be so "entertaining" to watch an empty hotel will it, shit ass?! (Turns around and walks away)
Alice: Fair enough. I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal.
Vagner: Pft! You think I'm that stupid? Making a deal with a demon like you.
Alice: Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again. Or...Charles can come back to absolutely nothing! Your choice.
Vagner: (Sighs) Fine. (Gets the video camera and raises in Alice's hand and green ghosted skulls fly around it)
Alice: Now then! (Makes the camera disappear and snaps her fingers)
(Angela, Hisky and Niffter, a lot of filming materials and a ghost recording team appear in the lobby and everyone gets tailor clothes)
Vagner: Alright, everyone! Let's make a fucking commercial.
(Meanwhile)
Eve:...When you take him out for the fifth time and he still expects you to pay the check, but you're like, (In deep voice) "Hey I thought you wanted equality"!
Charles: (Frustrated) No! Our shared problem of overpopulation in Hell!
Eve: (Normal) Oh! Well, that's not a problem! We got that covered! Luther, how many demons did you kill this year?
Luther: Got a good 275 this year, ma'am.
Eve: 275? Whoa, badass! Awesome job, danger dick! Pound it. (Punch fists with Luther)
Charles: Uh, no, not awesome. Those are my people, you know that, right?
Eve: Ohhh, yeah...That must suck for you. Pft...Hahahaha! Charles: But these are souls. Human souls, just the same as the ones you have in Heaven.
Luther: They're not the same. They had their chance and they earned damnation.
Charles: You're wrong. Sinners made mistakes, sure, but everyone makes mistakes.
Luther: Angels don't make mistakes.
Charles: You really think that?
Luther: I know that.
Eve: Yeah, I've never made a mistake in my fucking life.
Luther: The only reason you're still here is because Mommy gave you and your Hellborn-kind a pardon from an exorcist blade. How does that feel? To know how little you matter.
(Charles shrinks back)
Eve: Oops, almost out of time. Guess we should get into it...
Charles: Oh! Fuck!...(Get up from the chair) Okay. I've a lot to get through and not a lot of time and I feel like you weren't really hearing before, so here goes. (Clears throat) (Singing) I know Hell's population is out of control. It's a bad situation, it's taking a toll. If we rehabe these sinners and cleanse all their souls at my Hazbin Hotel! (Normal) Wait I'm getting ahead of myself! Right! Extermination! (Singing) I know you guys fly down just to kill once a year. And it must be annoying to schlep all the way here. If they join you in Heaven that trip disappears! You can wave that chore farewell! (Deep breath) It'll be a happy day in...
Eve: (Singing) Let me stop you right there, save us all precious time!
Charles: (Normal) Okay?
Eve: If what you're suggesting is letting them climb! Up the ladder. Oh they rather cross the Pearly Gates? Sorry, sweetie, but there's no defying in their fates! 'Cause Hell is forever wheter you like it or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot! 'Cause the rules are black and white there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again!
Charles: Okay, but...
Eve: Just try to chillax, babe, you're wasting your breath!
Charles: (Nervously) Hehe...
Eve: Did I hear you imply that they deserve death? Are they winners? Are they sinners? 'Cause it's cut and dry!
Charles: Actually, if you take a look...
Eve: Fair is fair, an eye for an eye! And when all's said and done! (Said and done) There's the question of fun! (Fun) And for those of us with divine ordainment, extermination is entertainment! (Imitates guitar) Guitar solo, fuck yeah! (Imitates guitar) Hell is forever whether you like or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot!
Charles: Where all these people come from?
Eve: 'Cause the rules are black and white, there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again! (materializes a guitar and play it) Fucking Hell is forever and it's meant to suck a lot! So give up your dumb endeavor 'cause you don't have a shot!
(Charles groans, his paper gets on fire and his hair moves in the air and horns appear in his head)
Eve: Long as I've got your attention, I guess In should probably mention that we made a determination (Shows a contract) To move up the next extermination!
Charles: What?!
Eve: Can't wait a whole year to slaughter those little cunts! (Holds Charles' wrist) I know is just been a week, but we'll be back in six months! (Spins Charles out of the room and plays her guitar)
Charles: Um, wait, didn't you...(Goes at the door, but it closes) Awh, shit! (Punches the door)
(Charles returns sad to the Hazbin Hotel)
Vagner: Charles! (Hugs him) How did it go? Did they listen?
Charles: Oh, uh...They sure did...hear it! But, um...
Vagner: Oh! Come here. We have something exciting to show you! (Holds Charles to the living room) Alice pulled some strings, and it's about to air.
Alice: I pulled a few limbs too! Hahaha!
Charles: Wait? The commercial? You all made a new one?
Angela: Yeah, one of my better performances, if I do can say so myself.
Charles: That's...That's amazing.
Angela: Shh! It's starting!
Vagner: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hot...
(The TV changes to the 666 News channel and everyone complains)
Kallie: (On TV) Breaking news in Hell today! We have just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next extermination is happening sooner than ever before! Do you know what that means, Tomita?
Tomita: No. What does that means, Kallie?
Kallie: It means we are all royally fucked!
(The clock in an hourglass changes to 176 with everyone screaming)
Angela: Wait...What? Why?!
(A drone laser scans a headless body of an angel laying in Hell and Eve and Luther see then from the ship)
Luther: We found the body, ma'am. They've never managed to kill one of us before. We should just go down there now and destroy them!
Eve: No, no. We can't risk them catching on. But don't worry, when we come back, there won't be a demon left to pull a stunt like this again. (Breaks the projector and her eyes and mouth glow in the dark)
(The end credits start playing)
2024.05.14 16:08 RobYaLunch Billboard Chart Discussion - Week Of May 18, 2024
Billboard Hot 100 chart
Billboard Global 200 chart (most popular songs globally)
Billboard 200 chart
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Why is X artist higher than Y artist on the 200 chart, even though X artist sold less?
A: This is because of a discrepancy between Billboard's ranking and the ranking from the website that the sales data is scraped from
Q: Where do you get the sales data from?
A: https://hitsdailydouble.com/sales_plus_streaming
Q: What does "err" mean on the 200 chart?
A: If you are seeing "err", that means that the bot I use to gather chart data couldn't identify sales data for a particular album because of a difference in album naming between Billboard and HitsDailyDouble
submitted by RobYaLunch to hiphopheads [link] [comments]
| Position | Title | Artist | ▲/▼ | Last week | Weeks Charting | Peak |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Not Like Us | Kendrick Lamar | ▲+100 | [FRESH] | 1 | 1 |
| 2 | Million Dollar Baby | Tommy Richman | - | 2 | 2 | 2 |
| 3 | Euphoria | Kendrick Lamar | ▲+8 | 11 | 2 | 3 |
| 4 | Fortnight | Taylor Swift Featuring Post Malone | ▼-3 | 1 | 3 | 1 |
| 5 | A Bar Song (Tipsy) | Shaboozey | ▼-2 | 3 | 4 | 3 |
| 6 | Like That | Future, Metro Boomin & Kendrick Lamar | ▲+2 | 8 | 7 | 1 |
| 7 | Family Matters | Drake | ▲+94 | [FRESH] | 1 | 7 |
| 8 | Espresso | Sabrina Carpenter | ▼-4 | 4 | 4 | 4 |
| 9 | Beautiful Things | Benson Boone | ▼-4 | 5 | 16 | 2 |
| 10 | Lose Control | Teddy Swims | ▼-4 | 6 | 39 | 1 |
| 11 | Too Sweet | Hozier | ▼-4 | 7 | 7 | 1 |
| 12 | Meet The Grahams | Kendrick Lamar | ▲+89 | [FRESH] | 1 | 12 |
| 13 | Saturn | SZA | ▼-1 | 12 | 11 | 6 |
| 14 | We Can't Be Friends (Wait For Your Love) | Ariana Grande | ▲+5 | 19 | 9 | 1 |
| 15 | I Can Do It With A Broken Heart | Taylor Swift | ▼-6 | 9 | 3 | 3 |
| 16 | Down Bad | Taylor Swift | ▼-6 | 10 | 3 | 2 |
| 17 | Push Ups | Drake | - | 17 | 3 | 17 |
| 18 | Lovin On Me | Jack Harlow | ▼-3 | 15 | 26 | 1 |
| 19 | Stick Season | Noah Kahan | ▲+4 | 23 | 32 | 9 |
| 20 | I Remember Everything | Zach Bryan Featuring Kacey Musgraves | ▲+4 | 24 | 37 | 1 |
| 21 | Get It Sexyy | Sexyy Red | ▲+11 | 32 | 8 | 20 |
| 22 | Feather | Sabrina Carpenter | ▲+7 | 29 | 23 | 21 |
| 23 | I Like The Way You Kiss Me | Artemas | ▲+3 | 26 | 7 | 12 |
| 24 | Cruel Summer | Taylor Swift | ▲+4 | 28 | 53 | 1 |
| 25 | Greedy | Tate McRae | ▲+2 | 27 | 34 | 3 |
| 26 | Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me? | Taylor Swift | ▼-13 | 13 | 3 | 9 |
| 27 | Type Shit | Future, Metro Boomin, Travis Scott & Playboi Carti | ▲+4 | 31 | 7 | 2 |
| 28 | So Long, London | Taylor Swift | ▼-14 | 14 | 3 | 5 |
| 29 | Yeah Glo! | GloRilla | ▲+9 | 38 | 13 | 29 |
| 30 | But Daddy I Love Him | Taylor Swift | ▼-12 | 18 | 3 | 7 |
| 31 | My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys | Taylor Swift | ▼-15 | 16 | 3 | 6 |
| 32 | Agora Hills | Doja Cat | ▲+1 | 33 | 33 | 7 |
| 33 | Florida!!! | Taylor Swift Featuring Florence + The Machine | ▼-13 | 20 | 3 | 8 |
| 34 | Austin | Dasha | ▲+9 | 43 | 9 | 28 |
| 35 | Guilty As Sin? | Taylor Swift | ▼-13 | 22 | 3 | 10 |
| 36 | Texas Hold 'Em | Beyonce | ▼-11 | 25 | 13 | 1 |
| 37 | Miles On It | Marshmello & Kane Brown | ▲+64 | [FRESH] | 1 | 37 |
| 38 | The Tortured Poets Department | Taylor Swift | ▼-17 | 21 | 3 | 4 |
| 39 | End Of Beginning | Djo | - | 39 | 12 | 11 |
| 40 | Wanna Be | GloRilla & Megan Thee Stallion | ▼-6 | 34 | 5 | 11 |
| 41 | Whatever She Wants | Bryson Tiller | - | 41 | 12 | 19 |
| 42 | Cowgirls | Morgan Wallen Featuring ERNEST | ▲+59 | -- | 21 | 40 |
| 43 | Redrum | 21 Savage | ▲+3 | 46 | 17 | 5 |
| 44 | Never Lose Me | Flo Milli | ▲+1 | 45 | 21 | 15 |
| 45 | Where It Ends | Bailey Zimmerman | ▲+5 | 50 | 19 | 32 |
| 46 | Good Luck, Babe! | Chappell Roan | ▲+2 | 48 | 5 | 44 |
| 47 | Act II: Date @ 8 | 4Batz Featuring Drake | ▲+6 | 53 | 18 | 7 |
| 48 | Gata Only | FloyyMenor X Cris Mj | ▼-4 | 44 | 8 | 27 |
| 49 | Carnival | ¥$: Ye & Ty Dolla $ign Featuring Rich The Kid & Playboi Carti | ▼-7 | 42 | 13 | 1 |
| 50 | Illusion | Dua Lipa | ▲+22 | 72 | 4 | 43 |
| 51 | The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived | Taylor Swift | ▼-21 | 30 | 3 | 14 |
| 52 | Slow It Down | Benson Boone | ▲+9 | 61 | 7 | 40 |
| 53 | loml | Taylor Swift | ▼-17 | 36 | 3 | 12 |
| 54 | Fresh Out The Slammer | Taylor Swift | ▼-19 | 35 | 3 | 11 |
| 55 | Made For Me | Muni Long | ▼-1 | 54 | 17 | 20 |
| 56 | The Alchemy | Taylor Swift | ▼-19 | 37 | 3 | 13 |
| 57 | Wild Ones | Jessie Murph & Jelly Roll | - | 57 | 31 | 35 |
| 58 | FE!N | Travis Scott Featuring Playboi Carti | ▲+2 | 60 | 27 | 5 |
| 59 | Obsessed | Olivia Rodrigo | ▲+8 | 67 | 7 | 14 |
| 60 | Wildflowers And Wild Horses | Lainey Wilson | ▼-5 | 55 | 15 | 48 |
| 61 | Get In With Me | BossMan DLow | ▲+12 | 73 | 14 | 49 |
| 62 | imgonnagetyouback | Taylor Swift | ▼-13 | 49 | 3 | 26 |
| 63 | I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) | Taylor Swift | ▼-23 | 40 | 3 | 20 |
| 64 | Bulletproof | Nate Smith | ▲+6 | 70 | 5 | 64 |
| 65 | So High School | Taylor Swift | ▼-18 | 47 | 3 | 24 |
| 66 | Tell Ur Girlfriend | Lay Bankz | ▼-8 | 58 | 4 | 58 |
| 67 | The Black Dog | Taylor Swift | ▼-16 | 51 | 3 | 25 |
| 68 | Back Then Right Now | Tyler Hubbard | ▼-3 | 65 | 8 | 62 |
| 69 | Hell N Back | Bakar Featuring Summer Walker | ▼-1 | 68 | 5 | 53 |
| 70 | Clara Bow | Taylor Swift | ▼-18 | 52 | 3 | 21 |
| 71 | Tucson Too Late | Jordan Davis | ▲+20 | 91 | 10 | 71 |
| 72 | Bandit | Don Toliver | ▲+20 | 92 | 13 | 38 |
| 73 | Mmhmm | BigXthaPlug | ▲+6 | 79 | 20 | 63 |
| 74 | Scared To Start | Michael Marcagi | ▲+3 | 77 | 12 | 54 |
| 75 | Enough (Miami) | Cardi B | ▲+6 | 81 | 8 | 9 |
| 76 | Halfway To Hell | Jelly Roll | ▲+7 | 83 | 5 | 76 |
| 77 | The Prophecy | Taylor Swift | ▼-21 | 56 | 3 | 32 |
| 78 | Cinderella | Future, Metro Boomin & Travis Scott | ▼-2 | 76 | 7 | 6 |
| 79 | Training Season | Dua Lipa | ▲+22 | -- | 10 | 27 |
| 80 | Wind Up Missin' You | Tucker Wetmore | - | 80 | 6 | 75 |
| 81 | How Did It End? | Taylor Swift | ▼-19 | 62 | 3 | 35 |
| 82 | We Ride | Bryan Martin | ▲+11 | 93 | 5 | 82 |
| 83 | Dirt Cheap | Cody Johnson | ▲+11 | 94 | 3 | 83 |
| 84 | Belong Together | Mark Ambor | ▲+3 | 87 | 2 | 84 |
| 85 | Outskirts | Sam Hunt | ▲+1 | 86 | 9 | 66 |
| 86 | Si No Quieres No | Luis R Conriquez x Neton Vega | ▲+15 | [FRESH] | 1 | 86 |
| 87 | Tu Name | Fuerza Regida | ▼-2 | 85 | 12 | 66 |
| 88 | thanK you aIMee | Taylor Swift | ▼-29 | 59 | 3 | 23 |
| 89 | The Albatross | Taylor Swift | ▼-25 | 64 | 3 | 30 |
| 90 | 23 | Chayce Beckham | ▼-2 | 88 | 19 | 45 |
| 91 | Adivino | Myke Towers & Bad Bunny | ▼-28 | 63 | 2 | 63 |
| 92 | Wine Into Whiskey | Tucker Wetmore | ▲+4 | 96 | 7 | 77 |
| 93 | II Most Wanted | Beyonce & Miley Cyrus | ▼-4 | 89 | 6 | 6 |
| 94 | I Hate It Here | Taylor Swift | ▼-28 | 66 | 3 | 34 |
| 95 | Whatsapp (Wassam) | Gunna | ▲+6 | [FRESH] | 1 | 95 |
| 96 | Spin You Around (1/24) | Morgan Wallen | ▲+2 | 98 | 15 | 24 |
| 97 | One Of The Girls | The Weeknd, Jennie & Lily Rose Depp | ▼-7 | 90 | 20 | 51 |
| 98 | Let's Go | Key Glock & Young Dolph | ▲+2 | 100 | 9 | 59 |
| 99 | Take Her Home | Kenny Chesney | ▲+2 | [FRESH] | 1 | 99 |
| 100 | Chloe Or Sam Or Sophia Or Marcus | Taylor Swift | ▼-31 | 69 | 3 | 36 |
| Position | Title | Artist | ▲/▼ | Last week | Weeks Charting | Peak |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Not Like Us | Kendrick Lamar | ▲+100 | [FRESH] | 1 | 1 |
| 2 | Million Dollar Baby | Tommy Richman | ▲+8 | 10 | 2 | 2 |
| 3 | Espresso | Sabrina Carpenter | ▼-1 | 2 | 4 | 2 |
| 4 | Euphoria | Kendrick Lamar | ▲+14 | 18 | 2 | 4 |
| 5 | A Bar Song (Tipsy) | Shaboozey | ▲+1 | 6 | 4 | 5 |
| 6 | Fortnight | Taylor Swift Featuring Post Malone | ▼-5 | 1 | 3 | 1 |
| 7 | Beautiful Things | Benson Boone | ▼-3 | 4 | 16 | 1 |
| 8 | I Like The Way You Kiss Me | Artemas | ▼-5 | 3 | 7 | 2 |
| 9 | Too Sweet | Hozier | ▼-4 | 5 | 7 | 1 |
| 10 | Gata Only | FloyyMenor X Cris Mj | ▼-3 | 7 | 13 | 4 |
| Position | Title | Artist | Sales | Change | Last week | Weeks Charting |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Tortured Poets Department | Taylor Swift | 285,505 (51,028 pure) | -36% | 1 | 3 |
| 2 | Radical Optimism | Dua Lipa | 83,814 (52,788 pure) | -- | [FRESH] | 1 |
| 3 | One Thing At A Time | Morgan Wallen | 71,563 (1,483 pure) | +7% | 2 | 62 |
| 4 | We Don't Trust You | Future & Metro Boomin | 62,293 (188 pure) | +4% | 3 | 7 |
| 5 | SEVENTEEN Best Album '17 Is Right Here' | SEVENTEEN | 54,465 (50,790 pure) | -- | [FRESH] | 1 |
| 6 | Vultures 1 | ¥$: Ye & Ty Dolla $ign | err | err | 52 | 13 |
| 7 | Dangerous: The Double Album | Morgan Wallen | 42,315 (432 pure) | +7% | 6 | 174 |
| 8 | Cowboy Carter | Beyonce | 42,201 (4,928 pure) | -19% | 4 | 6 |
| 9 | Stick Season | Noah Kahan | 40,675 (3,588 pure) | +1% | 5 | 76 |
| 10 | SOS | SZA | 39,353 (1,948 pure) | +3% | 9 | 74 |
Q: Why is X artist higher than Y artist on the 200 chart, even though X artist sold less?
A: This is because of a discrepancy between Billboard's ranking and the ranking from the website that the sales data is scraped from
Q: Where do you get the sales data from?
A: https://hitsdailydouble.com/sales_plus_streaming
Q: What does "err" mean on the 200 chart?
A: If you are seeing "err", that means that the bot I use to gather chart data couldn't identify sales data for a particular album because of a difference in album naming between Billboard and HitsDailyDouble
2024.05.14 14:01 Zappingsbrew A post talking about 400 words
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submitted by Zappingsbrew to u/Zappingsbrew [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 03:47 CheckUrCrawlspaces Growing up, my mother forbade me from ever talking about my little brother outside the house. 50 years later, they're both dead, and I'm ready to talk
The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.
submitted by CheckUrCrawlspaces to nosleep [link] [comments]
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.
2024.05.13 22:59 JetPackFuture104 My thoughts on BNL's Steven Page Albums (not including Snacktime, as I haven't listened to it yet).
WARNING: I talk a lot.
Quick background: 2021 was the year I first listened to BNL. All I heard were their big singles from Gordon, Stunt and Maroon (One Week, Pinch Me, It's All Been Done, etc.). But in 2022, I listened to Gordon in full, and it impressed me. Then I checked out Stunt, and let me tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I ADORE that album. I also listened to Maroon, and while good, I'd honestly rather pick the other two over it.
Last year I listened to MYSD, BoaPS and Rock Spectacle to feed the itch. And this month, I listened to EtE and BLAM (can we call this a double album?).
Here's my basic rundown on all of them:
context: this is from the perspective of a Gen-Z'er. Can confirm the quality crosses generations.
Hopefully I don't piss too many people off with my opinions.
1). Gordon: very good
-Best tracks: Grade 9, Brian Wilson (duh), Wrap Your Arms Around Me, What a Good Boy, Box Set, I Love You, The Flag, Million Dollars (classic)
-Weakest track: probably New Kid (on the Block). It's the one song I rarely revisit for some reason. Probably because it sounds too much like Enid and Box Set.
=More jazzier than I thought
=Very uncommon to see a band take off running on their debut record. Each of these songs can stand firmly on their own with few exceptions, which is something I always value in albums. This is required listening if you want to know what BNL are all about (at least, in their earlier days, sonically speaking).
2). Maybe You Should Drive: not bad. Pretty good.
-Best tracks: Jane (feels like a song this Spanish artist my dad loves named Jose Luis Perales would make), These Apples, A (I love the drum outro), Am I the Only One?, Life in a Nutshell
-Least favorite track: I will be Waiting (too twee for me. I feel like I'm listening to Hey There Delilah, and I actually like that song).
=probably the one I come back to the least. Not because it's bad by any means, but their other albums feel more memorable. Sitting next to Gordon, this doesn't really compare. There's also more electric guitars, compared to Gordon being very acoustic-based.
=There's some other songs I remember loving like Great Provider, but idk, this feels like a middle-of-the-road type of album. Still a good 7 or light 8, however. It does also have some of Tyler's best drum tones.
3). Born on aPile of Pirate Ship: damn good
-Best tracks: This is where it ends (Jesus, Steve), When I Fall (Jesus Ed, I didn't expect this to be about a suicidal window-washer), I Live with it Every Day (Jesus, Steve.......), Break your Heart (Jesus Christ, Steve.....), Same Thing (really somber for a song that references the Fantastic Four), Shoebox
-Weakest tracks: Straw Hat and Old Dirty Hank, and I Know. Both are alright, but they scream "B-Side" tbh. Definitely could've been cut out.
=Overall, as you could probably pick up from my favorite tracks, I think I love this album because of how somber and introspective it gets. Some of their most crushing songs are on here. Though Shoebox does close it out on a more light-hearted note (at least sonically).
4). Stunt: my favorite
-Best tracks (so many!): Call and Answer (one of the greatest songs I've ever heard, which is something I don't say lightly), It's all been Done (my favorite BNL guitar solo), In the Car, Who Needs Sleep (that chorus is the most earwormy thing they've done), Some Fantastic, When you Dream
-Weakest track: if we're including the bonus tracks, definitely She's on Time. Feels very samey and borderline uninteresting.
If going by the normal track listing, Alcohol. And even then, it's only really because I haven't revisited it as much as the others. That, and I don't think it works that well as the song that precedes Call and Answer.
=Like I said, I dunno man, there's something magical about this record that makes me swoon over it. Probably not their overall best, but definitely my favorite. It's an album I can describe as one I'd like to take with me on a desert island.
=It's bright, loud, but also tender.
=That said, my one peeve is the track listing isn't perfect. Mostly speaking, It's all been done honestly could work amazingly as one of the closing tracks. And Call and Answer I feel would work better if it was placed after Who Needs Sleep or something, instead of being the smack-dab middle song. There's a reason this was a live staple and show-closer.
=Still, as a whole/unit, I love Stunt.
=I think I have 80-90% of the verses to One Week memorized.
5). Maroon: Good, but I prefer some of their other albums.
-Best tracks: Pinch Me (this BNL song means a lot to me, lyrically. I tend to spin it whenever I'm going through a tough time mentally. It's also a good guitar warm-up), Never do Anything, Falling for the First Time, Off the Hook, Helicopters, Tonight is the Night......, Hidden Sun (Kevin knows how to do lullabies)
-Weakest tracks: Too Little Too Late, Go Home, Humor of the Situation (catchy as it is)
=Like Pirate Ship, the strongest moments lie in the serious tracks.
=This is my "hot" take: I don't love Maroon as much as everyone else does. Big reason is because Steve sings lead on most of the album. And look, I love the man as much as the next guy, and his voice is undeniably godlike, but ngl, there's something about Steve and Ed sharing vocals (or having an equal number of songs they sing lead on) that I really love. Another reason I love Stunt, they each get a good number of songs to shine in. I know the trade-in is Steve & Ed had a whole Lennon-McCartney/Collingwood-Schlesinger writing credit thing to my knowledge, but still, maybe Ed could've sung lead on at least 1 or 2 other songs (Steve still absolutely slays the performances on all his songs, no doubt).
=Even then, I can't call Maroon a "Steve Page solo" album either, as that sort of BNL signature quirkiness and cleverness that comes from the Page-Robertson duo is still found (Never do Anything, Sell Sell Sell).
=I also sometimes think it's not as interesting sonically. I liked Stunt because of how distinct nearly every track was, but Off the Hook and Helicopters, great songs as they are, can feel samey. I feel Maroon lacks some of that extra energy and punch.
=But still, a really solid record. And I definitely don't blame anyone for saying it's their favorite/BNL's best. Pinch Me is still one of the most intimate and personal BNL songs for me, as someone who struggles with anxiety and occasionally, self-harm (hope that wasn't too TMI, but I'm very well right now).
Alright, these next three I barely listened to for the first time this past weekend, so these are my quicker, fresh thoughts. We'll see how they change by next year.
6). Everything to Everyone:
-best tracks: Another Postcard (Ed's verses are too damn catchy), Testing 123 (a fantastic meta track that leaves me smiling. It's weirdly uplifting, if introspective), Next Time, Shopping, War on Drugs (I feel I'm only going to love this more with time), Aluminum (pretty somber), the last three songs
-least favorite: Unfinished. And it's literally only because I can't remember how it goes again. Again, I just listened to this album on Saturday. Give me time.
=I hyped myself up for this album a bit. It feels pretty ambitious
=I'd listen to this over Maroon because of the more varied sounds. Shopping has some nifty electronica, For You is more softer and acoustic-laced, and Maybe Katie leans more on Old Apartment style guitar power.
7). Barenaked Ladies are Me: very simple, but in a perfected way.
-best tracks: Easy, Home (this is I will be waiting, but infinitely better), Peterborough and the Kawarthas, Maybe you're right (the emotional climax of the record in the key of C), the last 4 tracks (a lot of the track listing is a home run).
-weakest track: Everything had Changed
=I can't remember when, but at what point, I couldn't help but smile and think "God I love this band!"
8). Barenaked Ladies are Men: still good, but Are Me was undeniably better
-best tracks: Serendipity, Down to Earth, Beautiful (I love those whispered lines Steve does), Half a Heart, Maybe not, I Can I Will I Do, What a Letdown, Fun and Games (really neat tone that treads on black humor)
-weakest tracks: Something you'll never find (it ends great, but overall, the song goes for longer than it should), Angry People
=Definitely not as great as Are Me. Biggest reason is it's too long. Cut out a few songs, maybe rearrange the track listing, and it would work better. But even then, are Me had a better streak of top notch songs. Are Men feels at times like a bonus album, as opposed to being an equal to are Me.
=Still worth listening to, but again, it didn't need to be 16 songs.
=Of course, with almost 30 songs recorded, I'm not going to remember all of them. Come back to me maybe next year when they've all sunken in for me.
So yeah! That's my two cents on all of the main Steven Page BNL releases! There's something great in each of these records, and I wouldn't take back any of it. My new favorite band.
My ranking from best to weakest
I'll listen to the Post-Steven albums next year. I'm more than certain they're not as great, but I liked Daydreaming, Odds Are, and Get Back.
I listened to the Vanity Project last year, and I thought it was alright. Page One tho......OH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! Clifton Springs is another "tough times" song I come back to.
Random side-note: I will always associate BNL with Evangelion. Don't ask (or do, idk).
submitted by JetPackFuture104 to barenakedladies [link] [comments]
Quick background: 2021 was the year I first listened to BNL. All I heard were their big singles from Gordon, Stunt and Maroon (One Week, Pinch Me, It's All Been Done, etc.). But in 2022, I listened to Gordon in full, and it impressed me. Then I checked out Stunt, and let me tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I ADORE that album. I also listened to Maroon, and while good, I'd honestly rather pick the other two over it.
Last year I listened to MYSD, BoaPS and Rock Spectacle to feed the itch. And this month, I listened to EtE and BLAM (can we call this a double album?).
Here's my basic rundown on all of them:
context: this is from the perspective of a Gen-Z'er. Can confirm the quality crosses generations.
Hopefully I don't piss too many people off with my opinions.
1). Gordon: very good
-Best tracks: Grade 9, Brian Wilson (duh), Wrap Your Arms Around Me, What a Good Boy, Box Set, I Love You, The Flag, Million Dollars (classic)
-Weakest track: probably New Kid (on the Block). It's the one song I rarely revisit for some reason. Probably because it sounds too much like Enid and Box Set.
=More jazzier than I thought
=Very uncommon to see a band take off running on their debut record. Each of these songs can stand firmly on their own with few exceptions, which is something I always value in albums. This is required listening if you want to know what BNL are all about (at least, in their earlier days, sonically speaking).
2). Maybe You Should Drive: not bad. Pretty good.
-Best tracks: Jane (feels like a song this Spanish artist my dad loves named Jose Luis Perales would make), These Apples, A (I love the drum outro), Am I the Only One?, Life in a Nutshell
-Least favorite track: I will be Waiting (too twee for me. I feel like I'm listening to Hey There Delilah, and I actually like that song).
=probably the one I come back to the least. Not because it's bad by any means, but their other albums feel more memorable. Sitting next to Gordon, this doesn't really compare. There's also more electric guitars, compared to Gordon being very acoustic-based.
=There's some other songs I remember loving like Great Provider, but idk, this feels like a middle-of-the-road type of album. Still a good 7 or light 8, however. It does also have some of Tyler's best drum tones.
3). Born on a
-Best tracks: This is where it ends (Jesus, Steve), When I Fall (Jesus Ed, I didn't expect this to be about a suicidal window-washer), I Live with it Every Day (Jesus, Steve.......), Break your Heart (Jesus Christ, Steve.....), Same Thing (really somber for a song that references the Fantastic Four), Shoebox
-Weakest tracks: Straw Hat and Old Dirty Hank, and I Know. Both are alright, but they scream "B-Side" tbh. Definitely could've been cut out.
=Overall, as you could probably pick up from my favorite tracks, I think I love this album because of how somber and introspective it gets. Some of their most crushing songs are on here. Though Shoebox does close it out on a more light-hearted note (at least sonically).
4). Stunt: my favorite
-Best tracks (so many!): Call and Answer (one of the greatest songs I've ever heard, which is something I don't say lightly), It's all been Done (my favorite BNL guitar solo), In the Car, Who Needs Sleep (that chorus is the most earwormy thing they've done), Some Fantastic, When you Dream
-Weakest track: if we're including the bonus tracks, definitely She's on Time. Feels very samey and borderline uninteresting.
If going by the normal track listing, Alcohol. And even then, it's only really because I haven't revisited it as much as the others. That, and I don't think it works that well as the song that precedes Call and Answer.
=Like I said, I dunno man, there's something magical about this record that makes me swoon over it. Probably not their overall best, but definitely my favorite. It's an album I can describe as one I'd like to take with me on a desert island.
=It's bright, loud, but also tender.
=That said, my one peeve is the track listing isn't perfect. Mostly speaking, It's all been done honestly could work amazingly as one of the closing tracks. And Call and Answer I feel would work better if it was placed after Who Needs Sleep or something, instead of being the smack-dab middle song. There's a reason this was a live staple and show-closer.
=Still, as a whole/unit, I love Stunt.
=I think I have 80-90% of the verses to One Week memorized.
5). Maroon: Good, but I prefer some of their other albums.
-Best tracks: Pinch Me (this BNL song means a lot to me, lyrically. I tend to spin it whenever I'm going through a tough time mentally. It's also a good guitar warm-up), Never do Anything, Falling for the First Time, Off the Hook, Helicopters, Tonight is the Night......, Hidden Sun (Kevin knows how to do lullabies)
-Weakest tracks: Too Little Too Late, Go Home, Humor of the Situation (catchy as it is)
=Like Pirate Ship, the strongest moments lie in the serious tracks.
=This is my "hot" take: I don't love Maroon as much as everyone else does. Big reason is because Steve sings lead on most of the album. And look, I love the man as much as the next guy, and his voice is undeniably godlike, but ngl, there's something about Steve and Ed sharing vocals (or having an equal number of songs they sing lead on) that I really love. Another reason I love Stunt, they each get a good number of songs to shine in. I know the trade-in is Steve & Ed had a whole Lennon-McCartney/Collingwood-Schlesinger writing credit thing to my knowledge, but still, maybe Ed could've sung lead on at least 1 or 2 other songs (Steve still absolutely slays the performances on all his songs, no doubt).
=Even then, I can't call Maroon a "Steve Page solo" album either, as that sort of BNL signature quirkiness and cleverness that comes from the Page-Robertson duo is still found (Never do Anything, Sell Sell Sell).
=I also sometimes think it's not as interesting sonically. I liked Stunt because of how distinct nearly every track was, but Off the Hook and Helicopters, great songs as they are, can feel samey. I feel Maroon lacks some of that extra energy and punch.
=But still, a really solid record. And I definitely don't blame anyone for saying it's their favorite/BNL's best. Pinch Me is still one of the most intimate and personal BNL songs for me, as someone who struggles with anxiety and occasionally, self-harm (hope that wasn't too TMI, but I'm very well right now).
Alright, these next three I barely listened to for the first time this past weekend, so these are my quicker, fresh thoughts. We'll see how they change by next year.
6). Everything to Everyone:
-best tracks: Another Postcard (Ed's verses are too damn catchy), Testing 123 (a fantastic meta track that leaves me smiling. It's weirdly uplifting, if introspective), Next Time, Shopping, War on Drugs (I feel I'm only going to love this more with time), Aluminum (pretty somber), the last three songs
-least favorite: Unfinished. And it's literally only because I can't remember how it goes again. Again, I just listened to this album on Saturday. Give me time.
=I hyped myself up for this album a bit. It feels pretty ambitious
=I'd listen to this over Maroon because of the more varied sounds. Shopping has some nifty electronica, For You is more softer and acoustic-laced, and Maybe Katie leans more on Old Apartment style guitar power.
7). Barenaked Ladies are Me: very simple, but in a perfected way.
-best tracks: Easy, Home (this is I will be waiting, but infinitely better), Peterborough and the Kawarthas, Maybe you're right (the emotional climax of the record in the key of C), the last 4 tracks (a lot of the track listing is a home run).
-weakest track: Everything had Changed
=I can't remember when, but at what point, I couldn't help but smile and think "God I love this band!"
8). Barenaked Ladies are Men: still good, but Are Me was undeniably better
-best tracks: Serendipity, Down to Earth, Beautiful (I love those whispered lines Steve does), Half a Heart, Maybe not, I Can I Will I Do, What a Letdown, Fun and Games (really neat tone that treads on black humor)
-weakest tracks: Something you'll never find (it ends great, but overall, the song goes for longer than it should), Angry People
=Definitely not as great as Are Me. Biggest reason is it's too long. Cut out a few songs, maybe rearrange the track listing, and it would work better. But even then, are Me had a better streak of top notch songs. Are Men feels at times like a bonus album, as opposed to being an equal to are Me.
=Still worth listening to, but again, it didn't need to be 16 songs.
=Of course, with almost 30 songs recorded, I'm not going to remember all of them. Come back to me maybe next year when they've all sunken in for me.
So yeah! That's my two cents on all of the main Steven Page BNL releases! There's something great in each of these records, and I wouldn't take back any of it. My new favorite band.
My ranking from best to weakest
- Stunt
- BNL are Me (admittedly, mostly due to recency bias)
- Born on a Pirate Ship
- Gordon
- Everything to Everyone
- Maroon
- BNL are Men
- Maybe you should drive
I'll listen to the Post-Steven albums next year. I'm more than certain they're not as great, but I liked Daydreaming, Odds Are, and Get Back.
I listened to the Vanity Project last year, and I thought it was alright. Page One tho......OH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! Clifton Springs is another "tough times" song I come back to.
Random side-note: I will always associate BNL with Evangelion. Don't ask (or do, idk).
2024.05.13 15:05 nomass39 I found an old recording of the most gruesome TV show ever broadcast
Me and Lila always carved dozens of jack o’ lanterns every October, so they’d absolutely saturate our lawn on Halloween night. It was our thing. But looking back on it, now that I’ve lost her, I just feel bad for the pumpkins. I almost relate to them, somehow. The way they were carved up, had everything of substance inside of them torn out, and left as hollow, rotting shells with forced smiles.
Needless to say, I didn’t cope with her death well. I didn’t want to cope with it. I wanted the world to drown in the black sludge of my grief. I loathed the people I saw going about their lives, unaware that the world had already ended the moment Lila died. The Earth shouldn’t keep spinning. Life shouldn’t go on. Not without her.
Even my relatives bringing me along on a trip to Kauai only made it worse. The most gorgeous place on Earth, and it made me sick with hatred. Nothing that beautiful deserved to exist if Lila wasn’t ever going to get to see it. It wasn’t fair.
I thought I’d never enjoy or care about anything again. Then I discovered media preservation.
It started with taking some of Lila’s old VHS tapes to a video repair place to fix some issues with the footage before it’s digitized. The job fascinated me. In a universe based on entropy, where everything inevitably fades away and is forgotten… restoring something lost is like snatching it from the jaws of death, right? Like flipping the bird to the universe and its so-called ‘natural order’. People die, but information doesn’t have to.
Now, it doesn’t matter how small — be it some god-awful plug-and-play licensed game, or a cereal commercial from 80’s — it’s my mission to recover it in as high a quality as I’m able, and make sure it’s freely available online for as long as possible.
A couple weeks ago, I came across a big haul. Four boxes of old VHS tapes offered up on E-Bay for dirt cheap. Most of the tapes were just recordings of Cheers episodes already preserved in higher qualities, but one Maxell E-240 caught my interest.
First of all, I’d never seen one so melted. Sure, sometimes they were left in an attic too long, and the colors and audio start to degrade. But this one looked like it had survived a house fire. It was covered in soot and the smell of smoke, and had the overall shape of a chocolate bar left out in the sun a little too long.
Second was the label, which read in neat sharpie: ᴇᴘɪꜱᴏᴅᴇ 4,679,329 ᴍᴀʀ 8 2035.
The casing was so disfigured, I had to bust it apart just pull out the tapes and respool them in a fresh cassette. I tried to iron out the creases in the tape as best I could, but I had no illusions about it accomplishing much — the mylar surface had been irreparably warped in places by whatever fire had half-melted the thing.
Imagine my despair at the sight of that dreaded ‘ɴᴏ ꜱɪɢɴᴀʟ’. I could clearly see the tape wasn’t blank, yet no amount of adjusting the tracking or trying different TVs or VCRs accomplished anything. Just as I was about to give up, though, the thing just suddenly started playing properly at the exact instant the clock struck 3 AM, as if it had only now decided to work. My all-nighter had paid off.
I didn’t dwell on the fact that this ‘miracle fix’ had been impossible. If I’d had any sense, I’d have torn the horrid thing out of my VCR and buried it beneath holy ground. Instead, fool I was, I sat down and watched.
At first, the thing seemed unwatchable. The audio was so distorted that the show’s theme song emerged as a low, crackling, staticky wail that made my head throb, and the logo was completely indistinguishable through the flickering and interference. I thought it was a lost cause for a moment. But then a figure appeared and cleared away the static, like Moses parting the Red Sea.
It was the sight of the show’s host that hooked me. He was just… perfect. Perfect in every way. I knew it just looking at him. Infinitely handsome and likable and charismatic, and he always said the exact perfect thing. The only issue is, I don’t remember a single thing about him now, in the same way you can’t remember a dream that seemed so clear to you while you were experiencing it. He just appears in my memory as this abstract blur in a sharp suit. Yet at the time, I was awestruck, even before he said a single word.
I can’t even remember a word he said. It was like he was speaking another language, one I felt as opposed to heard. I’ll try and transcribe it as best I can into words, but know that it’s only a pathetic imitation.
“... for another night of laughs, prizes, and fun for the whole family, with your host, #####!” I noticed that the audio and visual distortion seemed to suddenly intensify the instant he said his name, rendering it completely illegible. Idiot I was, I figured that was a coincidence. “Tonight is a night of celebration, folks, because thanks to the support of loyal viewers like you, we have just been approved for, get this: two hundred thousand more seasons!”
The “live studio audience” went wild with applause. I put that in scare quotes because, as far as I could tell, besides the host, the studio seemed completely empty. As if he was standing on a plain white stage that extended outwards into infinite darkness on all sides.
“For those just joining us, the game here is simple…” He explained that this was some sort of a trivia show. Every time a guest got an answer wrong, it brought them a little closer to some sort of unspecified ‘punishment’. And if they got it right? He smirked. “Well, they get to delay the inevitable.”
I wondered what he meant by ‘inevitable’. I didn’t have to wonder long.
The host gestured to a curtain that hadn’t been there moments ago, which raised to reveal a middle-aged man. You know the type — bushy mustache, gray hair, round-rimmed glasses. Kind of guy you’d have doing your plumbing. He couldn’t look any more out of place stood up and restrained in that — what the hell is that?
I recognized that metal coffin-looking thing from a medieval torture museum I went to once. The iron maiden. The lid hung open, countless long, needle-like blades poking inwards, threaten to poke a million new holes in him if it was shut.
His situation was not lost on him. “Where… where am I? What the hell is this!?”
“Oh, lucky guess!” The host ‘joked’. More canned laughter. “I know you always loved watching those trivia shows, Malcolm? Weren’t you always sitting there, grinding your teeth, seething that it wasn’t fair? That you should be the one up on stage, winning big?”
The man paused. Even he seemed mesmerized by the unreal perfection of the host before him. “I… this is a… game show?”
“All you have to do is answer a few questions! Think you can handle that, Malcolm?” He pulled out a cue card without waiting for an answer. “And our first question! What were you doing the night of February 18th, 1998?”
The man seemed baffled. “Just… sat on my couch watching the NFL, I think? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to remember —“
He let out a startled squeal as a horrid buzzer sounded. On cue, the lid slid a third of the way closed, making him flinch. “Oooh, I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer, Frank! But you know what? I’ll give you one more chance. What were you —“
“Following a girl home!” The man cried out. “F-from the bar. There, are you happy?”
“Cor-rect!” The canned audience began cheering! “Such honesty! Now, our second question: just what were you carrying while you followed her?”
He hesitated for a little too long. And then the buzzer sounded again, and the lid slid so near to closing that its blades began poking uncomfortably against his skin. He tried to press himself against the back of the maiden as well as his restraints would allow. “Jesus! Okay! A knife, a knife!”
“Awww, if only you’d said that just a second earlier!” Another big question. “Our third question: why, Malcolm? Why did you do it?”
That set Malcolm off. He started thrashing, clawing, screaming. “Let me out of this thing, you maniac! You can’t do this to me! Do you know who I am? Is this some sort of sick joke? My lawyers will have your head for this, you—“
And then the buzzer. All of a sudden, the lid slammed shut full-force, and the man was utterly silenced save for an unnatural, drawn-out wheeze. “Another wrong answer, Malcolm! I’m afraid I was looking for: ‘because if I can’t have her, no one can’!”
I admit it. I laughed. Out of shock more than anything. How was this allowed on TV? I took it as some sort of dark comedy show, and it was kind of satisfying to see that freaky character get his comeuppance. Still, there was something unnerving to me, seeing the man’s eyes through the openings in the maiden. Wide and red and terrified. They just looked a little… too real.
But the maiden disappeared as quickly as it came, before I could dwell on it too much. “Oh, envy! Definitely one of my favorite sins.” More laughter. “Stay tuned, folks! We’ve still got a night of fun and games in store for you! But first… how’s about a word from our sponsors?”
Cut to a corporate logo which I again couldn't recognize.
“This segment was made possible by Buer Health, which has recently announced a brilliant new initiative to protect our citizens from skin cancer by removing their skin completely.”
The camera cut to a massive industrial building, resembling a solid concrete cube around 50 meters in width and height. Its surface bore arcane symbols etched using carvings of wailing, tormented faces. The host would occasionally be rendered inaudible by a deafening metallic scraping from within, though he didn’t seem to notice. The only protrusion from the building’s cubic shape was a single smokestack, belching a scarlet red smoke into the atmosphere. A queue of gaunt figures waited at the entrance, herded and coerced by their grim overseers, and there were no words to describe the procession of scarlet ghouls limping out the building’s other end.
“Owing to the nonlinearity of time, the brand new Grand Skinpeeling Machine has spontaneously appeared several years before construction deadlines, and indeed, before it was even conceived of by anyone in our timeline. People have rushed all the way from Malebolge just to try this miracle of technology out on opening day, and so far, the reviews have been stellar!”
He shoved his microphone in the face of a shambling thing that could only scarcely be called a human. Tatters of flesh clung to its exposed musculature, blowing in the wind. Its eyes were the only hint of color in that sea of bloody red, and they were wide, white and terrified. The thing screamed and wailed for as long as it could before the last tendons connecting its jaw to its face snapped, and it was left to choke and gurgle.
“An amazing wail! The results speak for themselves, folks. The Grand Skinpeeling Machine is a hit!”
So far, I was still laughing along and having a good time. The sight of the next ‘guest’, however, started making me nervous.
It was an old lady.
She couldn’t be a day younger than sixty, the sort of sweet elderly woman who in a just world would be cooking chocolate chip cookies for her grandchildren in a comfy cottage somewhere. But here she was, tied to a metal chair, eyes wide, shaking like a leaf. Unlike the last contestant, she seemed to know exactly what was happening.
“In exchange for our loving endorsement, they’ve agreed to loan us one of their star employees. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for: the Liqisma!”
Something slunk from the darkness far behind her — or perhaps it’d be more apt to say that the darkness birthed it whole-cloth. It was like a living shadow, and it took my eyes a moment to register what I was even seeing.
How do I even begin describing this creature? I could say it looked almost human, or at least like something that may have been human long ago. Or I could start with its skin, which was all black and shiny as latex and seemingly smooth on first glance, but if you looked closer you’d realize it was covered in a million tiny reptilian scales, almost like a shark. Its head was a bald man’s, utterly devoid of any distinguishing features, like the basic stock template for a human being. It was notable only for a complete lack of pupils and irises, its eyes a pure white.
Its body defied basic biology in so many key ways, I had to stare it at for what felt like an eternity just to wrap my mind around its physiology. It was at least five or six meters long, by my estimate, composed of multiple human torsos stacked one on top of the other like segments of a centipede, each melding with the ones around it at the waist and shoulders. Each torso sported a pair of short, stubby arms that propelled it with terrifying grace. It ended with a pair of human legs, perpetually bent on their knees, beneath a ‘tail’ that looked more like its coccyx was poking free from its body.
The old last could clearly hear it, and kept futilely trying to turn her head around enough to get a peek at what stood behind her. I mouthed uselessly, don’t. You don’t want to know.
“Glad you could join us again, Miss Wethersby! Judging by our ratings last week, you seemed to have been a fan favorite!”
Her voice was so soft, I could barely hear it below the static. “Oh, God. Please, why won’t you people let me go? I’ve told you, I’ve never done anything, never hurt anybody. There must be some sort of—”
He waved a hand over her, and it seemed to forcefully snap her mouth shut. “Please, Miss Wethersby, save your breath for our questions!” Another cue card. “Your first question, my friend: where did you and your husband buy your first home?”
She had to think about it for a long time. Eventually, she cried out, “Alabama! Tuscaloosa, Alabama!”
“Ding ding ding! Why, you’re already doing better than our first contestant! Next question: what breed of dog was your childhood pet?”
She had a pained look on her face as she thought. Eventually, a timer started ticking down. It wasn’t visible, so it wasn’t clear how much time she had left exactly, but the sound it made got more shrill and high-pitched with every second. “Miss Wethersby, need I remind you that we have a time limit on this show?”
A tear ran down her cheek. “I… I keep telling you people, I don’t know. I have dementia, I can’t remember, please—”
That buzzer again. “I’m afraid that was the wrong answer! Liqisma?” The old lady shuddered at the sounds of hundreds of feet drawing a little closer to her. “Now, your first grandchild. What did he look like? What color were his eyes? His hair?”
She was crying harder now, like it hurt her that she couldn’t remember something so dear to her. “I told you I can’t remember! Why are you doing this to me!?”
“If you don’t remember them, why would they remember you?” The host mocked as the buzzer sounded, and the beast drew a little closer. “Really, do you believe they still even think about you? Or do you think they’re glad that the old bag of bones isn’t there sucking up their inheritance?”
This went on for… God, it could have been an hour. I was glued to the screen all the while, frozen with terror, praying for this nightmare to just end, for her to make it out okay somehow. He poured over every little detail of the life she lived and the people she loved, delighting in how little of it she could still recall.
And the thing grew closer, and closer… until she finally felt multiple pairs of hands resting upon her shoulders. The thing was looming over her now, and a long, black tongue a few feet in length emerged from its mouth and ran trails of dark saliva over the back of her head. She looked broken down, eyes raw from crying, and I could tell by the dampness of her dress that she’d wet herself.
“Now, Miss Wethersby, our time here has been fun, but I do believe it is time for our final question. Tell me, what is the name… of your only son?”
She couldn’t even answer anymore. She just stared ahead, like her mind was a million miles away. He cackled as the buzzer sounded one final time, and threw his cue cards aside. “Thank you for playing, Miss Wethersby. Better luck next time.”
I would say the thing unhinged its jaw like a snake, but that’d be an understatement. The way the thing’s face malformed and wrinkled and stretched as it opened its maw, it no longer looked even remotely human. Its jaws must have parted at least thirty centimeters apart, revealing a second, pharyngeal pair of jaws that lashed out and gripped the woman’s skull, pulling her headlong into that darkness.
I could hear bones crunching and snapping as its throat constricted down around her body, peristaltic muscles compacting her into a meat slurry, bit by bit. Yet she just wouldn’t die. Even as her skull and upper body were already crushed and compacted, organs and muscles pressed into mulch, she still kicked her legs, twitched her fingers, let out a gurgling that must have been some attempt at screaming. She was squirming even as the beast snapped its jaw shut around the last of her, condemning her to whatever torments awaited her inside the creature.
And all the while, that horrible laughter. “Don’t worry, folks! She’ll be back next week! And the next. And the next…”
Needless to say, I wasn’t having fun anymore. In fact, I had to turn away and fight the urge to throw up. I stood, about to turn the TV off and —
“Ah, ah, ah! Don’t touch that dial, now!” I froze. There was something chilling about the way he said that, staring right into the screen as if reacting to what I was doing. I hated that grin on his face. “The real show is just beginning.”
And with the barely restrained excitement of a child on Christmas morning, he yanked back another curtain, and I recognized everything.
I recognized that crappy bootleg knockoff Always Sunny in Philadelphia jacket that was so gaudy and terrible it instantly became her favorite thing in her wardrobe. I recognized those subtle hints of slight acne she disguised as fake freckles. I recognized the way her gray eyes would remind me of those overcast mornings at the beach at Hilton Head and pointing out all the cannonball jellyfish washed up on the sands. I recognized that tattoo of the name ʀᴏᴄᴋʏ, how I’d held her all night long as she cried into my shirt after her childhood cat had died.
It was Lila.
I shuddered, gasped, fell from my seat as if I’d been punched in the stomach and the air had been knocked out of me. I couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be real. I was dreaming right now. I must be. I just had to wake up.
But I couldn’t wake up. Nothing I could do dispelled the sight of her curled up in that… that thing. That bronze statue of a bull, horns jutting on either side of a head that roaring silently up at the heavens, all while the love of my life was locked in its hollowed out belly, visible only through a pane of glass. I could hear her cry out in shock at where she’d found herself, and every whimper felt like it drove a knife through my chest.
The host soaked in the moment. It was ecstasy for him, the suffering of it all. He stared dead into the camera like he was looking right at me as she called, “What is this? Where am I?”
“Why, I have good news, my dear Lila! You’re exactly where every American dreams of being: you’re on TV.” He pointed to the camera. “And we have a very special guest in the audience tonight. Your very own beloved Jackson!”
I shuddered, hearing my own name ooze from his fetid lips. His façade of perfection was slipping, and there was something so profoundly ugly beneath it. Her eyes snapped to the camera, confused, despairing. “Jackson? Baby? What — what’s happening? What is this?”
I don’t know, I thought, gripping the sides of the TV so hard my knuckles turned white, but I’m going to get you out of there, baby. I’m going to find whoever did this and I’m going to bury them all so far beneath that studio that they’ll never-
“I’m afraid Jackson hasn’t joined us quite yet, my dear. But if you truly love him, surely you’ll give him a show to remember, won’t you?” He taunted her. “All I want, after all, is to ask you a few questions! In fact, I’ll offer you a special deal: get even a single answer right, and I’ll let you go free! But get one wrong and, well…”
On cue, a fire was lit beneath her. Small, smoldering for now, but she whimpered as she noticed the heat. We both realized in that instant what this was. By now, I was screaming things I can’t repeat here, and slamming my hands against the TV screen as if I could reach through and save her.
She bit her lip and acquiesced. Not like she had any room to argue. The host grinned and readied a cue card. “Your first question: where are you, Lila?”
“I… I don’t know. How am I supposed to know?”
“You do know, Lila. You know exactly where you are.” He smirked at her. “Here’s a free hint: what’s the last thing you remember, before you woke up here?
She thought about it… and choked back a sob, visibly shaking as the realization slowly settled in. “But… but why? I… I…”
The horrible wail of the buzzer cut her off. “Oooh, too bad! I’m afraid you’ve run out of time!”
Seemingly as if on its own, the fire doubled in size. Sparks licked the belly of the bronze bull, and began to ever-so-slowly heat the surface. She pawed around in the tight confines, searching for any reprieve from the scalding heat all around her as the metal grew hot like it’d been left out in the sun on a summer’s day. “Please! Oh, God, let me out of this thing! It hurts! It hurts!”
The host seemed to breathe in her pain as if stealing a moment’s indulgence. “Now that there is no doubt about where you are, my dear, let us proceed to the second question.” He switched to his next card. “Did you believe in God, in the end?”
“O-of course!” She pled her case as if she was being tried in court. “My entire life… every day I gave to the poor, helped the sick, did whatever I could to honor Hi-“
“I’m afraid you misunderstood my question. I asked, did you believe in him at the end? The very moment your pitiful little life was snuffed out?”
“I always believed! I’d never forsake Him!”
“Yes, yes, I know. You lived a good and holy life, didn’t you?” He cackled. “But what of the very end? You and your little husband were so excited to deliver your first little baby boy. But o, tragedy! It all went wrong, didn’t it? Your precious little boy didn’t make it through childbirth… and you followed closely behind.”
“That whole business with the botched pregnancy, it was… what do you call it? Ah, yes. A ‘test of faith’. And I’m afraid you failed. In your final moments, you watched the light fade from your child’s eyes, and you assumed — wisely, in my humble opinion — that no ‘kind’ and ‘loving’ God would allow something like that to happen.” He laughed. “Funny how after a lifetime of dutiful service, all it takes is one little mistake at the end… to bring you here. To us.”
I’d never seen such depths of despair in a person’s eyes. Such emptiness. Like with every word, he’d been scooping out another piece of her until she was hollow. And then that buzzer roared again, more shrill than ever, and I could barely see her little window through the smoke and flames. The belly of the bull was turning orange in places, and I could hear her flesh start to sizzle like meat on a grill. There are no words for the noises she made. No words at all.
“And our last, final question,” he continued. “What were your last words to your poor, beloved Jackson?”
“I love you!” I called out the answer. Bloody fingerprints stained the TV screen from my slamming my hands against it, as I screamed the answer over and over. “I love you, I love you, I love you!” At some point, I forgot that there was ever a question. I was just screaming it at her as if hoping that she could hear it, that it could bring her a modicum of comfort in that place.
The buzzer sounded again. I couldn't bring myself to look. All I could hear was the roaring of the bull, and the steam rising from its bronze nostrils.
The curtain fell. Silence drowned the sound. The host dropped all pretense that he hadn’t been speaking directly to me. “Now, Jackson. You just might be one of my new favorite audience members this show had ever had. I know this must have been hard for you. But if you’ll just stay tuned, I have one more show I know you’re certain to love!”
I didn’t bother to touch the remote. After all, nothing could be worse than what I’d just seen, right?
Wrong. Horror wracked me as the curtain rose, and I saw the man chained to a chair. I pulled away like a caveman witnessing fire, cringing and stuttering, face wet with sweat. It was the sort of fear that worked its way into your bones like a bad chill, that left you shaking, teeth chattering.
It was me.
An older me, sure. But not by much. Ten years, maybe. A gaunt and hollow version of me, one twisted by ten years of depression and hard drugs. But it was unmistakable.
His eyes widened as he recognized the host. “Oh — oh God, God please no! It can’t be — oh Christ, let me out of this chair, you —“
“Come, now! We wouldn’t want to use the lord’s name in vain, would we? I mean, that would be a sin!” The host laid a hand on the other me’s shoulder. “It may have been a few years since you watched our program, but I’m sure you remember the rules, don’t you, old friend?”
The other me was wordless, on the verge of hyperventilating, just as I was. The host was giddy with delight. “Now! Our first and only question is one I’m sure our viewer will be very interested in: what sins, exactly, do you think landed you here?”
The other me tried to speak, but the words caught in his throat. I could see it in his eyes. The years of self-destruction, the bitter hopelessness, the whirlpool of nihilism and vice and decay. The suffocating depths of a man. The darkness. How could he put it into words?
The sound of the buzzer was like a pig’s squeal. “Mmm, I’m afraid that our viewer is going to have to figure that out for himself! In the meantime, your punishment? Well, we wouldn’t want to spoil anything…”
The curtains slowly began to fall just as a couple other of those black, grotesque monstrosities emerged from the darkness. The curtain covered them all before I could get a good look at their obscene, twisted, asymmetrical figures. All I could hear was the crunching, the sound of skin tearing like paper, the screaming that went on for longer and louder than a human throat or vocal chords could endure.
The image and audio were beginning to distort, glitch, burn away. The tapes were physically melting as they played. My VCR was starting to overheat, sparks pouring from its front panel. The host voice jumped around in tone, his voice fading into the static blur as the tapes bubbled and boiled and distorted. “But, my friends, I’m afraid that concludes tonight’s episode of our show! So, with a final farewell to our dear, beloved viewer, Jackson…”
Just before the image melted away, the camera seemed to jump forward until his face filled the screen, his eyes piercing into mine as he cackled in that singsong voice.
“See you sooooon~”
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Needless to say, I didn’t cope with her death well. I didn’t want to cope with it. I wanted the world to drown in the black sludge of my grief. I loathed the people I saw going about their lives, unaware that the world had already ended the moment Lila died. The Earth shouldn’t keep spinning. Life shouldn’t go on. Not without her.
Even my relatives bringing me along on a trip to Kauai only made it worse. The most gorgeous place on Earth, and it made me sick with hatred. Nothing that beautiful deserved to exist if Lila wasn’t ever going to get to see it. It wasn’t fair.
I thought I’d never enjoy or care about anything again. Then I discovered media preservation.
It started with taking some of Lila’s old VHS tapes to a video repair place to fix some issues with the footage before it’s digitized. The job fascinated me. In a universe based on entropy, where everything inevitably fades away and is forgotten… restoring something lost is like snatching it from the jaws of death, right? Like flipping the bird to the universe and its so-called ‘natural order’. People die, but information doesn’t have to.
Now, it doesn’t matter how small — be it some god-awful plug-and-play licensed game, or a cereal commercial from 80’s — it’s my mission to recover it in as high a quality as I’m able, and make sure it’s freely available online for as long as possible.
A couple weeks ago, I came across a big haul. Four boxes of old VHS tapes offered up on E-Bay for dirt cheap. Most of the tapes were just recordings of Cheers episodes already preserved in higher qualities, but one Maxell E-240 caught my interest.
First of all, I’d never seen one so melted. Sure, sometimes they were left in an attic too long, and the colors and audio start to degrade. But this one looked like it had survived a house fire. It was covered in soot and the smell of smoke, and had the overall shape of a chocolate bar left out in the sun a little too long.
Second was the label, which read in neat sharpie: ᴇᴘɪꜱᴏᴅᴇ 4,679,329 ᴍᴀʀ 8 2035.
The casing was so disfigured, I had to bust it apart just pull out the tapes and respool them in a fresh cassette. I tried to iron out the creases in the tape as best I could, but I had no illusions about it accomplishing much — the mylar surface had been irreparably warped in places by whatever fire had half-melted the thing.
Imagine my despair at the sight of that dreaded ‘ɴᴏ ꜱɪɢɴᴀʟ’. I could clearly see the tape wasn’t blank, yet no amount of adjusting the tracking or trying different TVs or VCRs accomplished anything. Just as I was about to give up, though, the thing just suddenly started playing properly at the exact instant the clock struck 3 AM, as if it had only now decided to work. My all-nighter had paid off.
I didn’t dwell on the fact that this ‘miracle fix’ had been impossible. If I’d had any sense, I’d have torn the horrid thing out of my VCR and buried it beneath holy ground. Instead, fool I was, I sat down and watched.
At first, the thing seemed unwatchable. The audio was so distorted that the show’s theme song emerged as a low, crackling, staticky wail that made my head throb, and the logo was completely indistinguishable through the flickering and interference. I thought it was a lost cause for a moment. But then a figure appeared and cleared away the static, like Moses parting the Red Sea.
It was the sight of the show’s host that hooked me. He was just… perfect. Perfect in every way. I knew it just looking at him. Infinitely handsome and likable and charismatic, and he always said the exact perfect thing. The only issue is, I don’t remember a single thing about him now, in the same way you can’t remember a dream that seemed so clear to you while you were experiencing it. He just appears in my memory as this abstract blur in a sharp suit. Yet at the time, I was awestruck, even before he said a single word.
I can’t even remember a word he said. It was like he was speaking another language, one I felt as opposed to heard. I’ll try and transcribe it as best I can into words, but know that it’s only a pathetic imitation.
“... for another night of laughs, prizes, and fun for the whole family, with your host, #####!” I noticed that the audio and visual distortion seemed to suddenly intensify the instant he said his name, rendering it completely illegible. Idiot I was, I figured that was a coincidence. “Tonight is a night of celebration, folks, because thanks to the support of loyal viewers like you, we have just been approved for, get this: two hundred thousand more seasons!”
The “live studio audience” went wild with applause. I put that in scare quotes because, as far as I could tell, besides the host, the studio seemed completely empty. As if he was standing on a plain white stage that extended outwards into infinite darkness on all sides.
“For those just joining us, the game here is simple…” He explained that this was some sort of a trivia show. Every time a guest got an answer wrong, it brought them a little closer to some sort of unspecified ‘punishment’. And if they got it right? He smirked. “Well, they get to delay the inevitable.”
I wondered what he meant by ‘inevitable’. I didn’t have to wonder long.
The host gestured to a curtain that hadn’t been there moments ago, which raised to reveal a middle-aged man. You know the type — bushy mustache, gray hair, round-rimmed glasses. Kind of guy you’d have doing your plumbing. He couldn’t look any more out of place stood up and restrained in that — what the hell is that?
I recognized that metal coffin-looking thing from a medieval torture museum I went to once. The iron maiden. The lid hung open, countless long, needle-like blades poking inwards, threaten to poke a million new holes in him if it was shut.
His situation was not lost on him. “Where… where am I? What the hell is this!?”
“Oh, lucky guess!” The host ‘joked’. More canned laughter. “I know you always loved watching those trivia shows, Malcolm? Weren’t you always sitting there, grinding your teeth, seething that it wasn’t fair? That you should be the one up on stage, winning big?”
The man paused. Even he seemed mesmerized by the unreal perfection of the host before him. “I… this is a… game show?”
“All you have to do is answer a few questions! Think you can handle that, Malcolm?” He pulled out a cue card without waiting for an answer. “And our first question! What were you doing the night of February 18th, 1998?”
The man seemed baffled. “Just… sat on my couch watching the NFL, I think? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to remember —“
He let out a startled squeal as a horrid buzzer sounded. On cue, the lid slid a third of the way closed, making him flinch. “Oooh, I’m afraid that’s the wrong answer, Frank! But you know what? I’ll give you one more chance. What were you —“
“Following a girl home!” The man cried out. “F-from the bar. There, are you happy?”
“Cor-rect!” The canned audience began cheering! “Such honesty! Now, our second question: just what were you carrying while you followed her?”
He hesitated for a little too long. And then the buzzer sounded again, and the lid slid so near to closing that its blades began poking uncomfortably against his skin. He tried to press himself against the back of the maiden as well as his restraints would allow. “Jesus! Okay! A knife, a knife!”
“Awww, if only you’d said that just a second earlier!” Another big question. “Our third question: why, Malcolm? Why did you do it?”
That set Malcolm off. He started thrashing, clawing, screaming. “Let me out of this thing, you maniac! You can’t do this to me! Do you know who I am? Is this some sort of sick joke? My lawyers will have your head for this, you—“
And then the buzzer. All of a sudden, the lid slammed shut full-force, and the man was utterly silenced save for an unnatural, drawn-out wheeze. “Another wrong answer, Malcolm! I’m afraid I was looking for: ‘because if I can’t have her, no one can’!”
I admit it. I laughed. Out of shock more than anything. How was this allowed on TV? I took it as some sort of dark comedy show, and it was kind of satisfying to see that freaky character get his comeuppance. Still, there was something unnerving to me, seeing the man’s eyes through the openings in the maiden. Wide and red and terrified. They just looked a little… too real.
But the maiden disappeared as quickly as it came, before I could dwell on it too much. “Oh, envy! Definitely one of my favorite sins.” More laughter. “Stay tuned, folks! We’ve still got a night of fun and games in store for you! But first… how’s about a word from our sponsors?”
Cut to a corporate logo which I again couldn't recognize.
“This segment was made possible by Buer Health, which has recently announced a brilliant new initiative to protect our citizens from skin cancer by removing their skin completely.”
The camera cut to a massive industrial building, resembling a solid concrete cube around 50 meters in width and height. Its surface bore arcane symbols etched using carvings of wailing, tormented faces. The host would occasionally be rendered inaudible by a deafening metallic scraping from within, though he didn’t seem to notice. The only protrusion from the building’s cubic shape was a single smokestack, belching a scarlet red smoke into the atmosphere. A queue of gaunt figures waited at the entrance, herded and coerced by their grim overseers, and there were no words to describe the procession of scarlet ghouls limping out the building’s other end.
“Owing to the nonlinearity of time, the brand new Grand Skinpeeling Machine has spontaneously appeared several years before construction deadlines, and indeed, before it was even conceived of by anyone in our timeline. People have rushed all the way from Malebolge just to try this miracle of technology out on opening day, and so far, the reviews have been stellar!”
He shoved his microphone in the face of a shambling thing that could only scarcely be called a human. Tatters of flesh clung to its exposed musculature, blowing in the wind. Its eyes were the only hint of color in that sea of bloody red, and they were wide, white and terrified. The thing screamed and wailed for as long as it could before the last tendons connecting its jaw to its face snapped, and it was left to choke and gurgle.
“An amazing wail! The results speak for themselves, folks. The Grand Skinpeeling Machine is a hit!”
So far, I was still laughing along and having a good time. The sight of the next ‘guest’, however, started making me nervous.
It was an old lady.
She couldn’t be a day younger than sixty, the sort of sweet elderly woman who in a just world would be cooking chocolate chip cookies for her grandchildren in a comfy cottage somewhere. But here she was, tied to a metal chair, eyes wide, shaking like a leaf. Unlike the last contestant, she seemed to know exactly what was happening.
“In exchange for our loving endorsement, they’ve agreed to loan us one of their star employees. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for: the Liqisma!”
Something slunk from the darkness far behind her — or perhaps it’d be more apt to say that the darkness birthed it whole-cloth. It was like a living shadow, and it took my eyes a moment to register what I was even seeing.
How do I even begin describing this creature? I could say it looked almost human, or at least like something that may have been human long ago. Or I could start with its skin, which was all black and shiny as latex and seemingly smooth on first glance, but if you looked closer you’d realize it was covered in a million tiny reptilian scales, almost like a shark. Its head was a bald man’s, utterly devoid of any distinguishing features, like the basic stock template for a human being. It was notable only for a complete lack of pupils and irises, its eyes a pure white.
Its body defied basic biology in so many key ways, I had to stare it at for what felt like an eternity just to wrap my mind around its physiology. It was at least five or six meters long, by my estimate, composed of multiple human torsos stacked one on top of the other like segments of a centipede, each melding with the ones around it at the waist and shoulders. Each torso sported a pair of short, stubby arms that propelled it with terrifying grace. It ended with a pair of human legs, perpetually bent on their knees, beneath a ‘tail’ that looked more like its coccyx was poking free from its body.
The old last could clearly hear it, and kept futilely trying to turn her head around enough to get a peek at what stood behind her. I mouthed uselessly, don’t. You don’t want to know.
“Glad you could join us again, Miss Wethersby! Judging by our ratings last week, you seemed to have been a fan favorite!”
Her voice was so soft, I could barely hear it below the static. “Oh, God. Please, why won’t you people let me go? I’ve told you, I’ve never done anything, never hurt anybody. There must be some sort of—”
He waved a hand over her, and it seemed to forcefully snap her mouth shut. “Please, Miss Wethersby, save your breath for our questions!” Another cue card. “Your first question, my friend: where did you and your husband buy your first home?”
She had to think about it for a long time. Eventually, she cried out, “Alabama! Tuscaloosa, Alabama!”
“Ding ding ding! Why, you’re already doing better than our first contestant! Next question: what breed of dog was your childhood pet?”
She had a pained look on her face as she thought. Eventually, a timer started ticking down. It wasn’t visible, so it wasn’t clear how much time she had left exactly, but the sound it made got more shrill and high-pitched with every second. “Miss Wethersby, need I remind you that we have a time limit on this show?”
A tear ran down her cheek. “I… I keep telling you people, I don’t know. I have dementia, I can’t remember, please—”
That buzzer again. “I’m afraid that was the wrong answer! Liqisma?” The old lady shuddered at the sounds of hundreds of feet drawing a little closer to her. “Now, your first grandchild. What did he look like? What color were his eyes? His hair?”
She was crying harder now, like it hurt her that she couldn’t remember something so dear to her. “I told you I can’t remember! Why are you doing this to me!?”
“If you don’t remember them, why would they remember you?” The host mocked as the buzzer sounded, and the beast drew a little closer. “Really, do you believe they still even think about you? Or do you think they’re glad that the old bag of bones isn’t there sucking up their inheritance?”
This went on for… God, it could have been an hour. I was glued to the screen all the while, frozen with terror, praying for this nightmare to just end, for her to make it out okay somehow. He poured over every little detail of the life she lived and the people she loved, delighting in how little of it she could still recall.
And the thing grew closer, and closer… until she finally felt multiple pairs of hands resting upon her shoulders. The thing was looming over her now, and a long, black tongue a few feet in length emerged from its mouth and ran trails of dark saliva over the back of her head. She looked broken down, eyes raw from crying, and I could tell by the dampness of her dress that she’d wet herself.
“Now, Miss Wethersby, our time here has been fun, but I do believe it is time for our final question. Tell me, what is the name… of your only son?”
She couldn’t even answer anymore. She just stared ahead, like her mind was a million miles away. He cackled as the buzzer sounded one final time, and threw his cue cards aside. “Thank you for playing, Miss Wethersby. Better luck next time.”
I would say the thing unhinged its jaw like a snake, but that’d be an understatement. The way the thing’s face malformed and wrinkled and stretched as it opened its maw, it no longer looked even remotely human. Its jaws must have parted at least thirty centimeters apart, revealing a second, pharyngeal pair of jaws that lashed out and gripped the woman’s skull, pulling her headlong into that darkness.
I could hear bones crunching and snapping as its throat constricted down around her body, peristaltic muscles compacting her into a meat slurry, bit by bit. Yet she just wouldn’t die. Even as her skull and upper body were already crushed and compacted, organs and muscles pressed into mulch, she still kicked her legs, twitched her fingers, let out a gurgling that must have been some attempt at screaming. She was squirming even as the beast snapped its jaw shut around the last of her, condemning her to whatever torments awaited her inside the creature.
And all the while, that horrible laughter. “Don’t worry, folks! She’ll be back next week! And the next. And the next…”
Needless to say, I wasn’t having fun anymore. In fact, I had to turn away and fight the urge to throw up. I stood, about to turn the TV off and —
“Ah, ah, ah! Don’t touch that dial, now!” I froze. There was something chilling about the way he said that, staring right into the screen as if reacting to what I was doing. I hated that grin on his face. “The real show is just beginning.”
And with the barely restrained excitement of a child on Christmas morning, he yanked back another curtain, and I recognized everything.
I recognized that crappy bootleg knockoff Always Sunny in Philadelphia jacket that was so gaudy and terrible it instantly became her favorite thing in her wardrobe. I recognized those subtle hints of slight acne she disguised as fake freckles. I recognized the way her gray eyes would remind me of those overcast mornings at the beach at Hilton Head and pointing out all the cannonball jellyfish washed up on the sands. I recognized that tattoo of the name ʀᴏᴄᴋʏ, how I’d held her all night long as she cried into my shirt after her childhood cat had died.
It was Lila.
I shuddered, gasped, fell from my seat as if I’d been punched in the stomach and the air had been knocked out of me. I couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be real. I was dreaming right now. I must be. I just had to wake up.
But I couldn’t wake up. Nothing I could do dispelled the sight of her curled up in that… that thing. That bronze statue of a bull, horns jutting on either side of a head that roaring silently up at the heavens, all while the love of my life was locked in its hollowed out belly, visible only through a pane of glass. I could hear her cry out in shock at where she’d found herself, and every whimper felt like it drove a knife through my chest.
The host soaked in the moment. It was ecstasy for him, the suffering of it all. He stared dead into the camera like he was looking right at me as she called, “What is this? Where am I?”
“Why, I have good news, my dear Lila! You’re exactly where every American dreams of being: you’re on TV.” He pointed to the camera. “And we have a very special guest in the audience tonight. Your very own beloved Jackson!”
I shuddered, hearing my own name ooze from his fetid lips. His façade of perfection was slipping, and there was something so profoundly ugly beneath it. Her eyes snapped to the camera, confused, despairing. “Jackson? Baby? What — what’s happening? What is this?”
I don’t know, I thought, gripping the sides of the TV so hard my knuckles turned white, but I’m going to get you out of there, baby. I’m going to find whoever did this and I’m going to bury them all so far beneath that studio that they’ll never-
“I’m afraid Jackson hasn’t joined us quite yet, my dear. But if you truly love him, surely you’ll give him a show to remember, won’t you?” He taunted her. “All I want, after all, is to ask you a few questions! In fact, I’ll offer you a special deal: get even a single answer right, and I’ll let you go free! But get one wrong and, well…”
On cue, a fire was lit beneath her. Small, smoldering for now, but she whimpered as she noticed the heat. We both realized in that instant what this was. By now, I was screaming things I can’t repeat here, and slamming my hands against the TV screen as if I could reach through and save her.
She bit her lip and acquiesced. Not like she had any room to argue. The host grinned and readied a cue card. “Your first question: where are you, Lila?”
“I… I don’t know. How am I supposed to know?”
“You do know, Lila. You know exactly where you are.” He smirked at her. “Here’s a free hint: what’s the last thing you remember, before you woke up here?
She thought about it… and choked back a sob, visibly shaking as the realization slowly settled in. “But… but why? I… I…”
The horrible wail of the buzzer cut her off. “Oooh, too bad! I’m afraid you’ve run out of time!”
Seemingly as if on its own, the fire doubled in size. Sparks licked the belly of the bronze bull, and began to ever-so-slowly heat the surface. She pawed around in the tight confines, searching for any reprieve from the scalding heat all around her as the metal grew hot like it’d been left out in the sun on a summer’s day. “Please! Oh, God, let me out of this thing! It hurts! It hurts!”
The host seemed to breathe in her pain as if stealing a moment’s indulgence. “Now that there is no doubt about where you are, my dear, let us proceed to the second question.” He switched to his next card. “Did you believe in God, in the end?”
“O-of course!” She pled her case as if she was being tried in court. “My entire life… every day I gave to the poor, helped the sick, did whatever I could to honor Hi-“
“I’m afraid you misunderstood my question. I asked, did you believe in him at the end? The very moment your pitiful little life was snuffed out?”
“I always believed! I’d never forsake Him!”
“Yes, yes, I know. You lived a good and holy life, didn’t you?” He cackled. “But what of the very end? You and your little husband were so excited to deliver your first little baby boy. But o, tragedy! It all went wrong, didn’t it? Your precious little boy didn’t make it through childbirth… and you followed closely behind.”
“That whole business with the botched pregnancy, it was… what do you call it? Ah, yes. A ‘test of faith’. And I’m afraid you failed. In your final moments, you watched the light fade from your child’s eyes, and you assumed — wisely, in my humble opinion — that no ‘kind’ and ‘loving’ God would allow something like that to happen.” He laughed. “Funny how after a lifetime of dutiful service, all it takes is one little mistake at the end… to bring you here. To us.”
I’d never seen such depths of despair in a person’s eyes. Such emptiness. Like with every word, he’d been scooping out another piece of her until she was hollow. And then that buzzer roared again, more shrill than ever, and I could barely see her little window through the smoke and flames. The belly of the bull was turning orange in places, and I could hear her flesh start to sizzle like meat on a grill. There are no words for the noises she made. No words at all.
“And our last, final question,” he continued. “What were your last words to your poor, beloved Jackson?”
“I love you!” I called out the answer. Bloody fingerprints stained the TV screen from my slamming my hands against it, as I screamed the answer over and over. “I love you, I love you, I love you!” At some point, I forgot that there was ever a question. I was just screaming it at her as if hoping that she could hear it, that it could bring her a modicum of comfort in that place.
The buzzer sounded again. I couldn't bring myself to look. All I could hear was the roaring of the bull, and the steam rising from its bronze nostrils.
The curtain fell. Silence drowned the sound. The host dropped all pretense that he hadn’t been speaking directly to me. “Now, Jackson. You just might be one of my new favorite audience members this show had ever had. I know this must have been hard for you. But if you’ll just stay tuned, I have one more show I know you’re certain to love!”
I didn’t bother to touch the remote. After all, nothing could be worse than what I’d just seen, right?
Wrong. Horror wracked me as the curtain rose, and I saw the man chained to a chair. I pulled away like a caveman witnessing fire, cringing and stuttering, face wet with sweat. It was the sort of fear that worked its way into your bones like a bad chill, that left you shaking, teeth chattering.
It was me.
An older me, sure. But not by much. Ten years, maybe. A gaunt and hollow version of me, one twisted by ten years of depression and hard drugs. But it was unmistakable.
His eyes widened as he recognized the host. “Oh — oh God, God please no! It can’t be — oh Christ, let me out of this chair, you —“
“Come, now! We wouldn’t want to use the lord’s name in vain, would we? I mean, that would be a sin!” The host laid a hand on the other me’s shoulder. “It may have been a few years since you watched our program, but I’m sure you remember the rules, don’t you, old friend?”
The other me was wordless, on the verge of hyperventilating, just as I was. The host was giddy with delight. “Now! Our first and only question is one I’m sure our viewer will be very interested in: what sins, exactly, do you think landed you here?”
The other me tried to speak, but the words caught in his throat. I could see it in his eyes. The years of self-destruction, the bitter hopelessness, the whirlpool of nihilism and vice and decay. The suffocating depths of a man. The darkness. How could he put it into words?
The sound of the buzzer was like a pig’s squeal. “Mmm, I’m afraid that our viewer is going to have to figure that out for himself! In the meantime, your punishment? Well, we wouldn’t want to spoil anything…”
The curtains slowly began to fall just as a couple other of those black, grotesque monstrosities emerged from the darkness. The curtain covered them all before I could get a good look at their obscene, twisted, asymmetrical figures. All I could hear was the crunching, the sound of skin tearing like paper, the screaming that went on for longer and louder than a human throat or vocal chords could endure.
The image and audio were beginning to distort, glitch, burn away. The tapes were physically melting as they played. My VCR was starting to overheat, sparks pouring from its front panel. The host voice jumped around in tone, his voice fading into the static blur as the tapes bubbled and boiled and distorted. “But, my friends, I’m afraid that concludes tonight’s episode of our show! So, with a final farewell to our dear, beloved viewer, Jackson…”
Just before the image melted away, the camera seemed to jump forward until his face filled the screen, his eyes piercing into mine as he cackled in that singsong voice.
“See you sooooon~”
2024.05.12 04:47 BeefScooter94 I tried to rank every single named character by how much they sang and (almost) every single word they sang.
Btw pilot not included OKAY LETS GO (long ass read, this took me 2 days lmao)
HAS NOT SANG: Katie Killjoy, Tom Trench, KeeKee, Fat Nuggets, Razzle, Dazzle, Egg Bois, Lilith
Susan: You mean like human flesh? By "Die, " do you mean use my teeth to rip flesh apart?
Mimzy: It's me! Yes it's me! I know you were all waiting for me, I'm here, what a gas, took awhile but I'm present at last, it's me, it's me, Mimzyyyyyyy!
Zestial: We can't act without more intelligence What weighs on your soul, old friend? I implore you to share the load, If it was thou who slew the angel, Why not let your strength be known?
Sir Pentious: Who could forgive a dirtbag like me? I don't deserve your amnesty Sorry I'm so sorry! It'll take time to cover, My vast multitude of sins, But sorry is where it begins, It starts with sorry
Valentino: Overlords hanging by a thread, with a bit of bravado, maybe tomorrow, we'll be atop the heap, While the rest of Hell's pissing! Fled with his tail between his legs! Nature abhors a power vacuum, it leaves room for you and me, the future of hell belongs to the vees!
Cherri Bomb: We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, twice the bedrooms, we can fill it fulfill your destiny! We can do this, we'll be better, though redemption may take a while, wayward sinners, clear their ledger and then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Lute: What are we even talking about? Some crack-whore who fucked up already? He blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth, this discussion is senseless and petty! There's no question to be posed, he's unholy case closed, did you forget that hell is forever! Guess the cat's outta the bag! Ha! She should know
Sera: Of course it's just temporary, Im sorry you can't stay It's not as simple as you think, Not everything is spelled in ink I'm sure you wish it could be so, But there's a lot that you don't know Adam.. I thought, since I'm older, It's my load to shoulder You have to listen, it was such a hard decision, I wanted to save you, the anguish it takes to, Do what was required Emily..
Niffty: I was stuck, thank you sir! We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it Fulfill your destiny To build a hotel I think we need some brick and lumber It's as easy as can be! We can do this, We'll be better, Though redemption may take a while, Wayward sinners dear they're ledger And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
St Peter: Dearly beloved, it is my pleasure to say unto thee, Welcome to Heaven, oh-oh, Where the virtuous reside 24/7, oh-oh, People are happy that they died, 'Cause here we got no worries, got no burglaries, no strife, It's the perfect afterlife, Welcome to Heaven, 😩, Check out our sick décor, the spirits leaven, oh!, Please keep your brimstone off the floor, We've got the best and brightest, the politest of the lot, And everyone is h😩t! 'Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day, Welcome to Heaven, yeah
Rosie: Oh, don't be put off by their snarlin', That's enthusiasm, darlin'! Don't worry, honey, That's their thing, Keep singing, We're super duper grateful To have you folks aboard They're dancing along, They're singing her song She's bound to pass the test as Princess of Hell, Like her Daddy, she is madly power-fell! I concur! Stick with her, we'll be on the winning side! For the first time in our lives, We know that we are ready for this, We'll show Heaven a fight they won't forget! It's time to take a stand We cannot take it anymore, The time has come to go to war, Prepare to fight, we're ready for... THIS!
Velvette: You've got it twisted, I'm not the one who needs a new attitude, Maybe you missed it, but I'm that #Bitch, And I will do nothing less than what I please, woo! I'm the backbone of the Vees, Mad that I acted respectless?, Well, it's 'cause no one could respect this, Sorry to the group attendin', Since when are overlords too scared to fight?, You're long past trendin', Sorry, bae, but I ain't swipin' right, You lost your relevance Ugh, no wonder I'm so respectless, I could eat you lot for breakfast Oops! Did I strike a nerve? 'Cause when I brought out the angel's head, Couldn't help but observe, That your wrinkled face was turning red, And why are you avoidin' war?, That's what the guns you sell are for, Thanks to my being respectless, One thing I'm starting to suspect is, You know why this angel's headless, Do you have a disclosure?
Emily: Gosh, I'm so pleased to show some outsiders around, After you see our realm, you'll never wanna go back down 'Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day Welcome to Heaven, yeah But she was right, Sera, She showed us a soul can improve, He saw the light, Sera, Checked all the boxes that you said would, Prove a person deserves a second chance, Now we turn our backs, no second glance? Wait! What are you saying? Let me get this straight, You go down there and kill those poor souls? Sera, tell me that you didn't know No! To think that I admired you, well, I don't need your condescension, I'm not a child to protect, Was talk of virtue just pretension? Was I too naive to expect you to heed the morals you're purveying? If Hell is forever, then Heaven must be a lie, If angels can do whatever, and remain in the sky, The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say, When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again
Vaggie: Charlie, hold on It's just a meeting This could be bad Okay, but just don't sing to them Is she- Ugh, no... Can we just kill him, shoot him and spill his blood Works for us When I saw your face, You made me feel like a stranger in a brand new place, And it felt so good to be understood, But there's so much I wished that I could say, So I, I'll be your armor, Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes, I'll spend my life being your partner And I will try to make your dreams come true Whatever we go through, I know I... I'll be your armour Whatever it takes I'll make the mistakes, whatever it takes Careful, Charlie, keep a cool head We should go Adam, no, please You've already done so much, So many lives you've changed, So many souls you've touched, And in the end, if it's only me you've saved There's something that I've been dying to say, More than anything, more than anything, Need you to know I love you more than anything More than anything We can do this, We can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen! Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it It starts with you, you know it's true, fulfill your destiny! New coat of paint! With a little sorcery! We can do this, We'll be better, Though redemption may take a while, Wayward sinners, clear their ledger We're gonna do this, you and me, and then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Vox: Welcome home, I'm gonna make you wish that you'd stayed gone, Say hello to a new status quo, Everyone knows that there's a brand-new dawn, Turn the TV on! Top of the hour, and we're discussing a certain has-been, Who has been spotted cavorting around town, After a seven-year absence, Did anybody miss him? Did anybody notice? More on tonight's program, So, the radio demon is back in town, Why is he hanging around? What does that mean for your family? Well handily, I've got good news, He's a loser, a fossil and I don't mean to sound hostile, But the demon is a coward! You can take that as gospel Pulling my viewers? Impossible! I'm visual, he's barely audible, Stop givin' him the time of day, Don't listen to a word he'd say, I hope he had a nice vacay, But he should've stayed away, While he hid in radio, We pivoted to videoNow his medium is gettin' bloody rare, Hell's been better since he split, Where's he been? Who gives a shit! What a dated voice! Come on! Ignore his chirping! Oh please! Hold on! You old-timey prick, I'll show you suffering, Uh oh, the TV is buffering! I'll destroy you, you little– FUUUUHUHUCKKKKAH! After the battle, masterless cattle, overlords hanging by a thread, with a bit of bravado, maybe tomorrow, we'll be atop the heap Alastor's missing, fled with his tail between his legs, nature abhors a power vacuum, it leaves room for you an me, the future of hell belongs to the vees
Husk: So things look bad, and your back's against the wall, Your whole existence seems fuckin' hopeless, You're feelin' filthy as a dive bar bathroom stall, Can't face the world sober and dopeless, You've lost your way, you think your life is wrecked, Well, let me just say you're correct You're a loser, baby, A loser, goddamn baby, You're a fucked up little whiny bitch Your a loser, just like me your a screws loose boozer, an only one-star reviews-er your a power bottom, at rock bottom, but you got company There was a time I thought that no one could relate, To the gruesome ways in which I'm damaged, But lettin' walls down, it can sometimes set you straight!, We're all livin' in the same shit sandwich haha! and you think that makes you unique? get outta here man, We're both losers, baby, We're losers, it's okay to be a baby, that's fine by me You're a loser, Just like me, I got an appetite for gamblin' Go ahead baby, sing that song, come on! I sold my soul to save my power, Now I'm on that demon's leash, I'm trapped and it gets worse with every hour A loser, but just maybe if we, Eat shit together, things will end up differently, It's time to lose your self-loathin', Excuse yourself, let hope in, baby, Play your card, be who you are, A loser, just like me We can do this, we can build it Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it, With more sinners than you can dream fulfill your destiny! New lights across the marquee, with a little sorcery! We can do this, We'll be better, Though redemption may take a while, Wayward sinners dear they're ledger And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Carmilla: You better show some respect!, Check your behavior, no one speaks to Zestial that way! Did you expect us, to sit back and take your insolent, brazen display? You and the vees are inane and uninformed, smug wannabees you don't heed when you've been warned this meeting's over I always thought, That I would keep blood off my face, But when that thing attacked, I had to act, To cross that line and keep them safe, But if anyone knew, Then all of Hell would rise to war And who's to say who'd survive the fray? I might lose the ones that I was killing for, So I, I'll be your keeper, Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes, I'll keep you safe and keep this secret And I don't know what we might face, But I know I can't replace you so, I'll do anything to save you, Whatever we go through, I know I... I'll be your keeper, I'll be your armor, Whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes, I'll make the mistakes, Whatever it takes I see you're driven by your detestation, Your every step is stoked with animus, You need a different type of motivation, Or there's no way that you can handle this, I know you're thirstin' for vengeance, Vaggie, You're out for blood, But you'll only stand a chance if you're out for love, Out for love, love, Think of who you care about, protect 'em and be Out for love, love, You're gonna fight without gloves, long as you're out for love, Fuel yourself with the fear of losin', That somebody who's your reason to live, Harnеss your heart, and you can't help choosin', To fight with all you can give, I know you'rе thirstin' for vengeance, Vaggie, You're out for blood, But you'll only stand a chance if you're out for love, Out for love, love, Think of who you care about, protect 'em and be, Out for love, love, You're gonna fight without gloves, And when that push comes to shove, Yeah, you just might rise above, long as you're out for love
Angel: That bitch is halfway down the street Oh, she's dancin' Can we just kill him, shoot him, and spill his blood works for us I'm not above a love to cash in, Another lover underneath those flashin' lights, Another one of those ruthless nights, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I shoulda guessed that this would happen, I shoulda known it when I looked in your red-hot eyes, Spewin' all your red-hot lies, Yeah, yeah, yeah, What's the worst part of this hell? I can only blame myself, 'Cause I know you're poison, you're feedin' me poison, Addicted to this feelin', I can't help but swallow up your poison, I made my choice, and every night, I'm livin' like there's no tomorrow, Oh-oh, oh-oh, Any way you want me, baby, that's the way you got me, I'll be yours, My story's gonna end with me dead from your poison, I got so good at bein' untrue, I got so good at tellin' you what you wanna hear, I disassociate, disappear, Yeah, yeah, yeah, So far beyond difficult to resist another gulp, Yeah, I know it's poison, you're feedin' me poison, I'm chokin' from the taste and I can't help but swallow up your poison, I made my choice, and every night, I'm wasted like there's no tomorrow, Oh-oh, oh-oh, Any way you want me, baby, that's the way you got me, I'll be yours, My story's gonna end with me dead from your poison, Poison, I'm drownin' in poison, I'm fillin' up my glass, but it's always hollow, Full of poison, I'm sick of the poison, Wish I had something to live for tomorrow We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it You know it's true fulfill your destiny! Start with foundation It's as easy as can be! We can do this, we'll be better, though redemption may take a while, wayward sinners clear they're ledger and then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Adam: Let me stop you right there, Save us all precious time, If what you're suggesting Is letting them climb, Up the ladder, Oh, they'd rather cross the Pearly Gates? Sorry, sweetie, But there's no defyin' their fates! 'Cause Hell is forever, Whether you like it or not, Had their chance to behave better, Now they boil in the pot, 'Cause the rules are black and white, There's no use in tryin' to fight it, They're burnin' for their lives, Until we kill 'em again! Just try to chillax, babe, You're wasting your breath, Did I hear you imply, That they don't deserve death? Are they Winners? Are they Sinners? 'Cause it's cut and dry, Fair is fair, an eye for an eye! And when all's said and done, There's the question of fun, And for those of us with Divine Ordainment, Extermination is entertainment! Bow-now-now-nownow Guitar solo, fuck yeah! Oh, da-ah-ah now-now-n-now-n-now-n-now-n-nownownow, Hell is forever, Whether you like it or not, Had their chance to behave better, Now they boil in the pot, 'Cause the rules are black and white, There's no use in tryin' to fight it, They're burnin' for their lives, Until we kill 'em again! Fuckin' Hell's forever, And it's meant to suck a lot, So give up your dumb endeavor 'Cause you don't have a shot!, Long as I've got your attention, I guess I should probably mention, That we made the determination, To move up the next Extermination! Can't wait a whole year, To slaughter those little cunts, I know it's just been a week, But we'll be back in six months! There's no question to be posed, he's unholy cased closed, did you forget that hell is forever? A man only lives once, we'll see you in 1 month, gotta say I can't wait to come down and exterminate you! Shit.. Whoops! Wh-what's the big deal? Don't you act all high and mighty, did you ever think your little "girlfriend" might be a liar? What's the fuss? Why hid the fact that your an angel just like us?
Lucifer: Haha, Looks like you could use some help, From the big boss of Hell himself, Check out daddy's glowing reviews on Yelp (Five stars! Flawless! Greater than great!) Oh, with the punch of a pentagram, I wap-bam-boom, alakazam, Usually, I charge a sacrificial lamb, But you get the family rate ("thanks dad!"), Who needs a busboy, now that you've got the chef? (wow), Michelin-tasting menu, free à la carte, I'll rig the game for you because I'm the ref, Champagne fountains, caviar mountains, that's just a start! Uh, what? Hold on, now Others say, that in your needy hour, There's no substitute for pure angelic power! Who just happens to also be your blood! What a bunch of losers your song, I started this! Oh, you tacky piece of- You didn't know that when I tried this all before, My dreams were too hard to defend, And in the end, I won't lose it all again, Now you're the only thing worth fighting for, More than anything, more than anything, I'll shelter and adore you more than anything I've been dyin' to find out who you are Looks like the apple doesn't fall far! I've missed that smile All that I'm hopin', now that my eyes are open, Is that we can start again, not be pulled apart again, 'Cause in the end, you are part of who I am, I'll support your dream, whatever lies in store More than anything More than anything, I'm grateful you're my daughter more than anything, More than anything Come on little lady, why the frown? In the last ten-thousand years, You're the first one to change this town, You can do this, now I know it, For your story has just begun, You can't quit now, hell, you owe it, There's still damage to be undone, You've changed my mind, you've touched their hearts, From the good and souls gone bad The stage is wrecked, the crowd is gone, But by God, Charlie! The show, it must go on, We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it, With more sinners than you can dream, It starts with you, You know it's true, Fulfill your destiny Good thing we're in Hell, Check out this little magic number Remedial creation for me, It's as easy as can be! We can do this, we'll be better, though redemption may take a while, wayward sinners, clear their ledger oh, this guy... And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Alastor: Salutations! Good to be back on the air, Yes, I know it's been a while, Since someone with style treated hell to a broadcast, Sinners, rejoice! Instead of a clout-chasin' mediocre video podcast Is Vox insecure? Pursuing allure? Flitting between this fad and that, is nothin' working? Every day, he's got a new format Is Vox as strong as he purports, Or is it based on his support? He'd be powerless without the other Vees And here's the sugar on the cream, He asked me to join his team I said no, and now he's pissy, that's the tea Uh oh, the TV is buffering! I'm afraid you've lost your signal Let's begin, I'm gonna make you wish that I'd stayed gone, Tune on in when I'm done, Your status quo will know its race is run, Oh, this will be fun Who's been here since day one? Who's been faithful as a nun? Who makes you chuckle with an old-timey pun? Your executive producer? I'm your guy, your day-to-day, Your chum, your steadfast hotelier, Remember when I fixed that clog today? I'm truly honored that we've built such a bond, You're like the child that I wish that I had, I care for you, just like a daughter I spawned, It's a little funny, you could almost call me dad They say, when you're looking for assistance, It's smart to pick the path of least resistance Sadly, there are times a birth parent is a dud, They say the family you choose is better Can you butt out of my song? I'm singing it, I'll finish it! And feast on all the angels you can eat! She's bound to pass the test as Princess of Hell, Like her Daddy, she is madly power-fell! She's filled with potential that I could guide Stick with her, you'll be in the winning side! For the first time in our lives, We know that we are ready for this It's time to take a stand We cannot take it anymore, The time has come to go to war, Prepare to fight, we're ready for... THIS! This place reeks of death, there's a chill in the air, And I barely escaped being killed by a hair, "Great Alastor, altruist, died for his friends" Sorry to disappoint, that is not where this ends, I'm hungry for freedom like never before, The constraints of my deal surely have a backdoor, Once I figure out how to unclip my wings, Guess who will be pulling all the strings? And we're doing it with a smile And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Charlie I can do this, somehow I know it, I'll get Heaven behind my plans There's just no way I could blow it, Not this once-in-a-lifetime chance To change their minds and touch their hearts, Or whatever angels have Cheer up, Vaggie, This could be swell, Something tells me that today will be a happy day in Hell There's a warm, fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air, Every street so revealing, it's hard not to stare, It's a realm so appealing, it beats anywhere, If you don't mind the smell, It's a happy day in Hell, Hi, mister! Hello! Ah, excuse me! If I can show them the dream I've dreamed, That any soul can change, Those angels' minds are hard to change, Then they will know everyone can be redeemed, From the evil to the strange, They're bloodthirsty and deranged! I can hear all their stories, the lost and displaced, And I know that they're more of an acquired taste, But if I open the door and I give them a place, At my Hazbin Hotel, It'll be a happy day in Hell, From the porn studio, where the cinephiles go, To watch award-winning demon bukkake shows, To the Cannibal Town, where they don't wear a frown, 'Cause holy shit, oh my gosh, why?! And I don't give a crow that his brains got in my eye! 'Cause I know I can spare them from Heaven's genocide, I can do this, I just know it, I'll get Heaven behind my plans, There's just no way I could blow it, Not this once-in-a-lifetime chance to change their minds Uh, no thank you, I'm just gonna, Fulfill my destiny! I can already tell Today is gonna be a fuckin' happy day in Hell I know Hell's population is out of control, It's a bad situation, It's taking a toll, If we rehab these Sinners And cleanse all their souls, At my Hazbin Hotel, Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself! Right! Extermination! I know you guys fly down Just to kill once a year, And it must be annoying To schlep all the way here, If they join you in Heaven That trip disappears! You can wave that chore farewell G A S P It'll be a happy day in he- Oh.. ..'Kay Well, uh Okay, but Well, actually, if you take a look- Ugh where the Hell did you people come from? What? Um, wait, didn't you- Ugh, shit! It starts with sorry, That's your foot in the door, one simple sorry, Spoken straight from your core, The path to forgiveness is a twisting trail of hearts, But sorry is where it starts That's an option you could choose But who hasn't been in his shoes? It starts with sorry Dig down deeper and say one sincere sorry And your journey's underway, It'll take time to cover your vast multitude of sins, But sorry is where it begins, It starts with sorry thanks dad! That's true! Oh, you! awwww When I was young, I didn't really know you at all, I always felt so small, But I heard your stories and I was enthralled, The tales about your lofty dreams, I listened breathlessly, Imagining it could be me, So in the end, it's the view I had of you, That showed me dreams can be worth fighting for, More than anything, more than anything, I need to save my people more than anything I've been waiting, wanting the same thing Took you a while All that I'm hopin', now that my eyes are open, Is that we can start again, not be pulled apart again, 'Cause in the end, you are part of who I am And who could ask for more? More than anything More than anything I'm grateful you're my father more than anything, More than anything It's not fair, Sera No! Don't you care, Sera? That just because someone is dead, it doesn't Mean they can't resolve to change their ways, Turn the page, escape infernal blaze You didn't know? That's what the fuck I've been saying! If Hell is forever, then Heaven must be a lie If angels can do whatever, and remain in the sky, The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say, When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again, I was told not to trust in angels No! Don't you see? We've come so close, Look at them fighting, they're at each other's throats Have you ever wanted something that was so clear in your mind that you could taste it? Eh, sort of, It's a feeling like a rumbling in your gut that you could finally be faced with, A billion needy faces, I guess what I mean to say is, for the first time in my life, I might have to be ready for this, Ready to be the one who's leading from the front, Gotta come into my own, Gotta come into my throne, Gotta take charge and defend my only home, And although I kinda feel unsteady, Now I need to be ready for this, Have you ever felt like you're willing to die to save the people of your city? That's a start! 'Cause right now we need a leader, And it seems to me that destiny has picked me, To be that, if you'll permit me, so who's with me? Wouldn't it be super to see more of Hell? Join up now if you like travel, Come on boys, hop in the saddle!, Lotta sights to see en route to my hotel, Not to mention the camaraderie, Yes siree, you'll form life-changing friendships, With the folks along the way Okay.. Well, that's a little violent, can we tone it down? Eh, they just seem a little murdery right now We're super-duper grateful, To have you folks aboard Oh, lord For the first time in my life, Maybe I can be ready for this, I can be the marshal leading the parade, I can come into my own, and I think I've always known, My destiny could never be postponed, When Adam brings the battle here, I must appear like I'm ready for this For the first time in our lives, we know that we are ready for this! It is time to lend a hand! Against the angels, and their deadly threat! We cannot take it anymore, The time has come to go to war, Prepare to fight, We're ready for this! I really hope that I'm ready for this There's something that I've been dying to say, More than anything, more than anything, Need you to know I love you more than anything,.More than anything He did it for us, the ultimate sacrifice, He gave me his trust, and look how we pay the price, This bloodshed could have been avoided, If I convinced Heaven to work together, I took a hotel and I destroyed it, I know I could have done better, Better, instead of letting you down So long as I've got all of you with me! No time for crying, we got a lot of work to do and, We gotta try and make the best of what's in ruins With a little sorcery! We'll make a difference, wait and see We can do this We'll be better Though it may take a while We're gonna do this, you and me, And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin' happy day in Hell!
Hey shit your still here?
submitted by BeefScooter94 to hazbin [link] [comments]
HAS NOT SANG: Katie Killjoy, Tom Trench, KeeKee, Fat Nuggets, Razzle, Dazzle, Egg Bois, Lilith
Susan: You mean like human flesh? By "Die, " do you mean use my teeth to rip flesh apart?
Mimzy: It's me! Yes it's me! I know you were all waiting for me, I'm here, what a gas, took awhile but I'm present at last, it's me, it's me, Mimzyyyyyyy!
Zestial: We can't act without more intelligence What weighs on your soul, old friend? I implore you to share the load, If it was thou who slew the angel, Why not let your strength be known?
Sir Pentious: Who could forgive a dirtbag like me? I don't deserve your amnesty Sorry I'm so sorry! It'll take time to cover, My vast multitude of sins, But sorry is where it begins, It starts with sorry
Valentino: Overlords hanging by a thread, with a bit of bravado, maybe tomorrow, we'll be atop the heap, While the rest of Hell's pissing! Fled with his tail between his legs! Nature abhors a power vacuum, it leaves room for you and me, the future of hell belongs to the vees!
Cherri Bomb: We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, twice the bedrooms, we can fill it fulfill your destiny! We can do this, we'll be better, though redemption may take a while, wayward sinners, clear their ledger and then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Lute: What are we even talking about? Some crack-whore who fucked up already? He blew his shot like the cocks in his mouth, this discussion is senseless and petty! There's no question to be posed, he's unholy case closed, did you forget that hell is forever! Guess the cat's outta the bag! Ha! She should know
Sera: Of course it's just temporary, Im sorry you can't stay It's not as simple as you think, Not everything is spelled in ink I'm sure you wish it could be so, But there's a lot that you don't know Adam.. I thought, since I'm older, It's my load to shoulder You have to listen, it was such a hard decision, I wanted to save you, the anguish it takes to, Do what was required Emily..
Niffty: I was stuck, thank you sir! We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it Fulfill your destiny To build a hotel I think we need some brick and lumber It's as easy as can be! We can do this, We'll be better, Though redemption may take a while, Wayward sinners dear they're ledger And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
St Peter: Dearly beloved, it is my pleasure to say unto thee, Welcome to Heaven, oh-oh, Where the virtuous reside 24/7, oh-oh, People are happy that they died, 'Cause here we got no worries, got no burglaries, no strife, It's the perfect afterlife, Welcome to Heaven, 😩, Check out our sick décor, the spirits leaven, oh!, Please keep your brimstone off the floor, We've got the best and brightest, the politest of the lot, And everyone is h😩t! 'Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day, Welcome to Heaven, yeah
Rosie: Oh, don't be put off by their snarlin', That's enthusiasm, darlin'! Don't worry, honey, That's their thing, Keep singing, We're super duper grateful To have you folks aboard They're dancing along, They're singing her song She's bound to pass the test as Princess of Hell, Like her Daddy, she is madly power-fell! I concur! Stick with her, we'll be on the winning side! For the first time in our lives, We know that we are ready for this, We'll show Heaven a fight they won't forget! It's time to take a stand We cannot take it anymore, The time has come to go to war, Prepare to fight, we're ready for... THIS!
Velvette: You've got it twisted, I'm not the one who needs a new attitude, Maybe you missed it, but I'm that #Bitch, And I will do nothing less than what I please, woo! I'm the backbone of the Vees, Mad that I acted respectless?, Well, it's 'cause no one could respect this, Sorry to the group attendin', Since when are overlords too scared to fight?, You're long past trendin', Sorry, bae, but I ain't swipin' right, You lost your relevance Ugh, no wonder I'm so respectless, I could eat you lot for breakfast Oops! Did I strike a nerve? 'Cause when I brought out the angel's head, Couldn't help but observe, That your wrinkled face was turning red, And why are you avoidin' war?, That's what the guns you sell are for, Thanks to my being respectless, One thing I'm starting to suspect is, You know why this angel's headless, Do you have a disclosure?
Emily: Gosh, I'm so pleased to show some outsiders around, After you see our realm, you'll never wanna go back down 'Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day Welcome to Heaven, yeah But she was right, Sera, She showed us a soul can improve, He saw the light, Sera, Checked all the boxes that you said would, Prove a person deserves a second chance, Now we turn our backs, no second glance? Wait! What are you saying? Let me get this straight, You go down there and kill those poor souls? Sera, tell me that you didn't know No! To think that I admired you, well, I don't need your condescension, I'm not a child to protect, Was talk of virtue just pretension? Was I too naive to expect you to heed the morals you're purveying? If Hell is forever, then Heaven must be a lie, If angels can do whatever, and remain in the sky, The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say, When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again
Vaggie: Charlie, hold on It's just a meeting This could be bad Okay, but just don't sing to them Is she- Ugh, no... Can we just kill him, shoot him and spill his blood Works for us When I saw your face, You made me feel like a stranger in a brand new place, And it felt so good to be understood, But there's so much I wished that I could say, So I, I'll be your armor, Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes, I'll spend my life being your partner And I will try to make your dreams come true Whatever we go through, I know I... I'll be your armour Whatever it takes I'll make the mistakes, whatever it takes Careful, Charlie, keep a cool head We should go Adam, no, please You've already done so much, So many lives you've changed, So many souls you've touched, And in the end, if it's only me you've saved There's something that I've been dying to say, More than anything, more than anything, Need you to know I love you more than anything More than anything We can do this, We can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen! Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it It starts with you, you know it's true, fulfill your destiny! New coat of paint! With a little sorcery! We can do this, We'll be better, Though redemption may take a while, Wayward sinners, clear their ledger We're gonna do this, you and me, and then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Vox: Welcome home, I'm gonna make you wish that you'd stayed gone, Say hello to a new status quo, Everyone knows that there's a brand-new dawn, Turn the TV on! Top of the hour, and we're discussing a certain has-been, Who has been spotted cavorting around town, After a seven-year absence, Did anybody miss him? Did anybody notice? More on tonight's program, So, the radio demon is back in town, Why is he hanging around? What does that mean for your family? Well handily, I've got good news, He's a loser, a fossil and I don't mean to sound hostile, But the demon is a coward! You can take that as gospel Pulling my viewers? Impossible! I'm visual, he's barely audible, Stop givin' him the time of day, Don't listen to a word he'd say, I hope he had a nice vacay, But he should've stayed away, While he hid in radio, We pivoted to videoNow his medium is gettin' bloody rare, Hell's been better since he split, Where's he been? Who gives a shit! What a dated voice! Come on! Ignore his chirping! Oh please! Hold on! You old-timey prick, I'll show you suffering, Uh oh, the TV is buffering! I'll destroy you, you little– FUUUUHUHUCKKKKAH! After the battle, masterless cattle, overlords hanging by a thread, with a bit of bravado, maybe tomorrow, we'll be atop the heap Alastor's missing, fled with his tail between his legs, nature abhors a power vacuum, it leaves room for you an me, the future of hell belongs to the vees
Husk: So things look bad, and your back's against the wall, Your whole existence seems fuckin' hopeless, You're feelin' filthy as a dive bar bathroom stall, Can't face the world sober and dopeless, You've lost your way, you think your life is wrecked, Well, let me just say you're correct You're a loser, baby, A loser, goddamn baby, You're a fucked up little whiny bitch Your a loser, just like me your a screws loose boozer, an only one-star reviews-er your a power bottom, at rock bottom, but you got company There was a time I thought that no one could relate, To the gruesome ways in which I'm damaged, But lettin' walls down, it can sometimes set you straight!, We're all livin' in the same shit sandwich haha! and you think that makes you unique? get outta here man, We're both losers, baby, We're losers, it's okay to be a baby, that's fine by me You're a loser, Just like me, I got an appetite for gamblin' Go ahead baby, sing that song, come on! I sold my soul to save my power, Now I'm on that demon's leash, I'm trapped and it gets worse with every hour A loser, but just maybe if we, Eat shit together, things will end up differently, It's time to lose your self-loathin', Excuse yourself, let hope in, baby, Play your card, be who you are, A loser, just like me We can do this, we can build it Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it, With more sinners than you can dream fulfill your destiny! New lights across the marquee, with a little sorcery! We can do this, We'll be better, Though redemption may take a while, Wayward sinners dear they're ledger And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Carmilla: You better show some respect!, Check your behavior, no one speaks to Zestial that way! Did you expect us, to sit back and take your insolent, brazen display? You and the vees are inane and uninformed, smug wannabees you don't heed when you've been warned this meeting's over I always thought, That I would keep blood off my face, But when that thing attacked, I had to act, To cross that line and keep them safe, But if anyone knew, Then all of Hell would rise to war And who's to say who'd survive the fray? I might lose the ones that I was killing for, So I, I'll be your keeper, Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes, I'll keep you safe and keep this secret And I don't know what we might face, But I know I can't replace you so, I'll do anything to save you, Whatever we go through, I know I... I'll be your keeper, I'll be your armor, Whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes, I'll make the mistakes, Whatever it takes I see you're driven by your detestation, Your every step is stoked with animus, You need a different type of motivation, Or there's no way that you can handle this, I know you're thirstin' for vengeance, Vaggie, You're out for blood, But you'll only stand a chance if you're out for love, Out for love, love, Think of who you care about, protect 'em and be Out for love, love, You're gonna fight without gloves, long as you're out for love, Fuel yourself with the fear of losin', That somebody who's your reason to live, Harnеss your heart, and you can't help choosin', To fight with all you can give, I know you'rе thirstin' for vengeance, Vaggie, You're out for blood, But you'll only stand a chance if you're out for love, Out for love, love, Think of who you care about, protect 'em and be, Out for love, love, You're gonna fight without gloves, And when that push comes to shove, Yeah, you just might rise above, long as you're out for love
Angel: That bitch is halfway down the street Oh, she's dancin' Can we just kill him, shoot him, and spill his blood works for us I'm not above a love to cash in, Another lover underneath those flashin' lights, Another one of those ruthless nights, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I shoulda guessed that this would happen, I shoulda known it when I looked in your red-hot eyes, Spewin' all your red-hot lies, Yeah, yeah, yeah, What's the worst part of this hell? I can only blame myself, 'Cause I know you're poison, you're feedin' me poison, Addicted to this feelin', I can't help but swallow up your poison, I made my choice, and every night, I'm livin' like there's no tomorrow, Oh-oh, oh-oh, Any way you want me, baby, that's the way you got me, I'll be yours, My story's gonna end with me dead from your poison, I got so good at bein' untrue, I got so good at tellin' you what you wanna hear, I disassociate, disappear, Yeah, yeah, yeah, So far beyond difficult to resist another gulp, Yeah, I know it's poison, you're feedin' me poison, I'm chokin' from the taste and I can't help but swallow up your poison, I made my choice, and every night, I'm wasted like there's no tomorrow, Oh-oh, oh-oh, Any way you want me, baby, that's the way you got me, I'll be yours, My story's gonna end with me dead from your poison, Poison, I'm drownin' in poison, I'm fillin' up my glass, but it's always hollow, Full of poison, I'm sick of the poison, Wish I had something to live for tomorrow We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it You know it's true fulfill your destiny! Start with foundation It's as easy as can be! We can do this, we'll be better, though redemption may take a while, wayward sinners clear they're ledger and then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Adam: Let me stop you right there, Save us all precious time, If what you're suggesting Is letting them climb, Up the ladder, Oh, they'd rather cross the Pearly Gates? Sorry, sweetie, But there's no defyin' their fates! 'Cause Hell is forever, Whether you like it or not, Had their chance to behave better, Now they boil in the pot, 'Cause the rules are black and white, There's no use in tryin' to fight it, They're burnin' for their lives, Until we kill 'em again! Just try to chillax, babe, You're wasting your breath, Did I hear you imply, That they don't deserve death? Are they Winners? Are they Sinners? 'Cause it's cut and dry, Fair is fair, an eye for an eye! And when all's said and done, There's the question of fun, And for those of us with Divine Ordainment, Extermination is entertainment! Bow-now-now-nownow Guitar solo, fuck yeah! Oh, da-ah-ah now-now-n-now-n-now-n-now-n-nownownow, Hell is forever, Whether you like it or not, Had their chance to behave better, Now they boil in the pot, 'Cause the rules are black and white, There's no use in tryin' to fight it, They're burnin' for their lives, Until we kill 'em again! Fuckin' Hell's forever, And it's meant to suck a lot, So give up your dumb endeavor 'Cause you don't have a shot!, Long as I've got your attention, I guess I should probably mention, That we made the determination, To move up the next Extermination! Can't wait a whole year, To slaughter those little cunts, I know it's just been a week, But we'll be back in six months! There's no question to be posed, he's unholy cased closed, did you forget that hell is forever? A man only lives once, we'll see you in 1 month, gotta say I can't wait to come down and exterminate you! Shit.. Whoops! Wh-what's the big deal? Don't you act all high and mighty, did you ever think your little "girlfriend" might be a liar? What's the fuss? Why hid the fact that your an angel just like us?
Lucifer: Haha, Looks like you could use some help, From the big boss of Hell himself, Check out daddy's glowing reviews on Yelp (Five stars! Flawless! Greater than great!) Oh, with the punch of a pentagram, I wap-bam-boom, alakazam, Usually, I charge a sacrificial lamb, But you get the family rate ("thanks dad!"), Who needs a busboy, now that you've got the chef? (wow), Michelin-tasting menu, free à la carte, I'll rig the game for you because I'm the ref, Champagne fountains, caviar mountains, that's just a start! Uh, what? Hold on, now Others say, that in your needy hour, There's no substitute for pure angelic power! Who just happens to also be your blood! What a bunch of losers your song, I started this! Oh, you tacky piece of- You didn't know that when I tried this all before, My dreams were too hard to defend, And in the end, I won't lose it all again, Now you're the only thing worth fighting for, More than anything, more than anything, I'll shelter and adore you more than anything I've been dyin' to find out who you are Looks like the apple doesn't fall far! I've missed that smile All that I'm hopin', now that my eyes are open, Is that we can start again, not be pulled apart again, 'Cause in the end, you are part of who I am, I'll support your dream, whatever lies in store More than anything More than anything, I'm grateful you're my daughter more than anything, More than anything Come on little lady, why the frown? In the last ten-thousand years, You're the first one to change this town, You can do this, now I know it, For your story has just begun, You can't quit now, hell, you owe it, There's still damage to be undone, You've changed my mind, you've touched their hearts, From the good and souls gone bad The stage is wrecked, the crowd is gone, But by God, Charlie! The show, it must go on, We can do this, we can build it, Best hotel that you've ever seen, Twice the bedrooms, we can fill it, With more sinners than you can dream, It starts with you, You know it's true, Fulfill your destiny Good thing we're in Hell, Check out this little magic number Remedial creation for me, It's as easy as can be! We can do this, we'll be better, though redemption may take a while, wayward sinners, clear their ledger oh, this guy... And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Alastor: Salutations! Good to be back on the air, Yes, I know it's been a while, Since someone with style treated hell to a broadcast, Sinners, rejoice! Instead of a clout-chasin' mediocre video podcast Is Vox insecure? Pursuing allure? Flitting between this fad and that, is nothin' working? Every day, he's got a new format Is Vox as strong as he purports, Or is it based on his support? He'd be powerless without the other Vees And here's the sugar on the cream, He asked me to join his team I said no, and now he's pissy, that's the tea Uh oh, the TV is buffering! I'm afraid you've lost your signal Let's begin, I'm gonna make you wish that I'd stayed gone, Tune on in when I'm done, Your status quo will know its race is run, Oh, this will be fun Who's been here since day one? Who's been faithful as a nun? Who makes you chuckle with an old-timey pun? Your executive producer? I'm your guy, your day-to-day, Your chum, your steadfast hotelier, Remember when I fixed that clog today? I'm truly honored that we've built such a bond, You're like the child that I wish that I had, I care for you, just like a daughter I spawned, It's a little funny, you could almost call me dad They say, when you're looking for assistance, It's smart to pick the path of least resistance Sadly, there are times a birth parent is a dud, They say the family you choose is better Can you butt out of my song? I'm singing it, I'll finish it! And feast on all the angels you can eat! She's bound to pass the test as Princess of Hell, Like her Daddy, she is madly power-fell! She's filled with potential that I could guide Stick with her, you'll be in the winning side! For the first time in our lives, We know that we are ready for this It's time to take a stand We cannot take it anymore, The time has come to go to war, Prepare to fight, we're ready for... THIS! This place reeks of death, there's a chill in the air, And I barely escaped being killed by a hair, "Great Alastor, altruist, died for his friends" Sorry to disappoint, that is not where this ends, I'm hungry for freedom like never before, The constraints of my deal surely have a backdoor, Once I figure out how to unclip my wings, Guess who will be pulling all the strings? And we're doing it with a smile And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin happy day in hell!
Charlie I can do this, somehow I know it, I'll get Heaven behind my plans There's just no way I could blow it, Not this once-in-a-lifetime chance To change their minds and touch their hearts, Or whatever angels have Cheer up, Vaggie, This could be swell, Something tells me that today will be a happy day in Hell There's a warm, fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air, Every street so revealing, it's hard not to stare, It's a realm so appealing, it beats anywhere, If you don't mind the smell, It's a happy day in Hell, Hi, mister! Hello! Ah, excuse me! If I can show them the dream I've dreamed, That any soul can change, Those angels' minds are hard to change, Then they will know everyone can be redeemed, From the evil to the strange, They're bloodthirsty and deranged! I can hear all their stories, the lost and displaced, And I know that they're more of an acquired taste, But if I open the door and I give them a place, At my Hazbin Hotel, It'll be a happy day in Hell, From the porn studio, where the cinephiles go, To watch award-winning demon bukkake shows, To the Cannibal Town, where they don't wear a frown, 'Cause holy shit, oh my gosh, why?! And I don't give a crow that his brains got in my eye! 'Cause I know I can spare them from Heaven's genocide, I can do this, I just know it, I'll get Heaven behind my plans, There's just no way I could blow it, Not this once-in-a-lifetime chance to change their minds Uh, no thank you, I'm just gonna, Fulfill my destiny! I can already tell Today is gonna be a fuckin' happy day in Hell I know Hell's population is out of control, It's a bad situation, It's taking a toll, If we rehab these Sinners And cleanse all their souls, At my Hazbin Hotel, Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself! Right! Extermination! I know you guys fly down Just to kill once a year, And it must be annoying To schlep all the way here, If they join you in Heaven That trip disappears! You can wave that chore farewell G A S P It'll be a happy day in he- Oh.. ..'Kay Well, uh Okay, but Well, actually, if you take a look- Ugh where the Hell did you people come from? What? Um, wait, didn't you- Ugh, shit! It starts with sorry, That's your foot in the door, one simple sorry, Spoken straight from your core, The path to forgiveness is a twisting trail of hearts, But sorry is where it starts That's an option you could choose But who hasn't been in his shoes? It starts with sorry Dig down deeper and say one sincere sorry And your journey's underway, It'll take time to cover your vast multitude of sins, But sorry is where it begins, It starts with sorry thanks dad! That's true! Oh, you! awwww When I was young, I didn't really know you at all, I always felt so small, But I heard your stories and I was enthralled, The tales about your lofty dreams, I listened breathlessly, Imagining it could be me, So in the end, it's the view I had of you, That showed me dreams can be worth fighting for, More than anything, more than anything, I need to save my people more than anything I've been waiting, wanting the same thing Took you a while All that I'm hopin', now that my eyes are open, Is that we can start again, not be pulled apart again, 'Cause in the end, you are part of who I am And who could ask for more? More than anything More than anything I'm grateful you're my father more than anything, More than anything It's not fair, Sera No! Don't you care, Sera? That just because someone is dead, it doesn't Mean they can't resolve to change their ways, Turn the page, escape infernal blaze You didn't know? That's what the fuck I've been saying! If Hell is forever, then Heaven must be a lie If angels can do whatever, and remain in the sky, The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say, When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again, I was told not to trust in angels No! Don't you see? We've come so close, Look at them fighting, they're at each other's throats Have you ever wanted something that was so clear in your mind that you could taste it? Eh, sort of, It's a feeling like a rumbling in your gut that you could finally be faced with, A billion needy faces, I guess what I mean to say is, for the first time in my life, I might have to be ready for this, Ready to be the one who's leading from the front, Gotta come into my own, Gotta come into my throne, Gotta take charge and defend my only home, And although I kinda feel unsteady, Now I need to be ready for this, Have you ever felt like you're willing to die to save the people of your city? That's a start! 'Cause right now we need a leader, And it seems to me that destiny has picked me, To be that, if you'll permit me, so who's with me? Wouldn't it be super to see more of Hell? Join up now if you like travel, Come on boys, hop in the saddle!, Lotta sights to see en route to my hotel, Not to mention the camaraderie, Yes siree, you'll form life-changing friendships, With the folks along the way Okay.. Well, that's a little violent, can we tone it down? Eh, they just seem a little murdery right now We're super-duper grateful, To have you folks aboard Oh, lord For the first time in my life, Maybe I can be ready for this, I can be the marshal leading the parade, I can come into my own, and I think I've always known, My destiny could never be postponed, When Adam brings the battle here, I must appear like I'm ready for this For the first time in our lives, we know that we are ready for this! It is time to lend a hand! Against the angels, and their deadly threat! We cannot take it anymore, The time has come to go to war, Prepare to fight, We're ready for this! I really hope that I'm ready for this There's something that I've been dying to say, More than anything, more than anything, Need you to know I love you more than anything,.More than anything He did it for us, the ultimate sacrifice, He gave me his trust, and look how we pay the price, This bloodshed could have been avoided, If I convinced Heaven to work together, I took a hotel and I destroyed it, I know I could have done better, Better, instead of letting you down So long as I've got all of you with me! No time for crying, we got a lot of work to do and, We gotta try and make the best of what's in ruins With a little sorcery! We'll make a difference, wait and see We can do this We'll be better Though it may take a while We're gonna do this, you and me, And then tomorrow it will be a fuckin' happy day in Hell!
Hey shit your still here?
2024.05.12 04:28 shaneka69 MINNESOTA NUMEROLOGY DECODE
MINNESOTA NUMEROLOGY DECODE
Today I will be decoding the state of Minnesota. I recently did one for Massachusetts if you would like to check that out. I will begin decoding the letters in the state letter by letter and then point of conclusive insights afterwards.M - This is the 13th letter of the alphabet which will point to the energies of 4 which represents caution, privacy, withholding, responsibility, order, restriction, and family. A place with this letter as the first letter will likely have things in order or order will be of significance.
I - This is the 9th letter of the alphabet which brings the energy of adventure, learning, wisdom, experience, and expansion.
N - Being the 14th letter, N vibrates at the energy of 5 which is the use of responsibility being used for creative purposes. This can take place in many forms, especially when it comes to a state and not a person.
N - Being the 14th letter, N vibrates at the energy of 5 which is the use of responsibility being used for creative purposes. 5 is the number of war and combat as well.
E - 5th letter of the alphabet which points to love, joy, romance, child-like energy, and creativity. 5 is the number of war and combat as well.
S - 19th letter which vibrates at the energy of 1, but in this case, Minnesota isn't a state looking to be in control or to get too much attention since the 1 energy isn't overbearing. In this case, the 1 represents being self-motivated and capable.
O - 15th letter of the alphabet which vibrates at the energy of 6. 6 is about discipline, hospitality, compassion,etc.
T - 20th letter of the alphabet which vibrates at the energy of 2. 2 is a money number and the number of cooperation, stability, and comfort. 2 is also about compassion as well.
A - 1st letter of the alphabet which is about action, observation, and opportunity.
Based on what we have decoded regarding the letters in Minnesota, we can see that the main repetitive number and energy is 5. 5 shows up 3 times in this state's name which equals 15 and then 6 when added and reduced. This is definitely a state that focuses on discipline, balance, and fairness. Justice or the justice system could be very significant for this state. This is also good for financial purposes because maybe they avoid causing financial problems for their residents. Family and love can also be significant for this state. They may welcome outsiders more easily than Massachusetts(I did a decode for them first). When violence arrises, they most likely take care of it as soon as possible to keep the state at a balanced medium.
We have the energy of 1 only repeating twice which means that this state may be more welcoming and cooperative in general. Could be nice acts of kindness pretty often. They likely create a fair workforce and living arrangements of their residents as much as possible.
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2024.05.09 10:03 Professor_Sia Update: Finally got my Quest Cape (With thoughts on several quests)
 | Link to my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/2007scape/comments/18wuqzp/4_quests_left_til_quest_cape/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button submitted by Professor_Sia to 2007scape [link] [comments] https://preview.redd.it/bx3o8ds88czc1.png?width=683&format=png&auto=webp&s=b047ce7a5e8c3713bc433522a7a52abaedd44616 I'm the one wearing green. The one in Ahrim's is someone from the clan chat who decided to join me celebrate. Took me forever, but I finally got around to finishing all quests in the game. It was very fun and I mostly did this blind. That means I never used Quest Helper (I personally think this plug-in kinda cheapens the questing experience but to each their own I guess).I will admit to using Quest Guides especially on difficult portions of quests (Fremmy Trials Escape Room, MEP2 Light Puzzle, Solutions to the Cryptic Puzzles in SOTN). I'm not an iron so I can't imagine how difficult this would be on an ironman. Managed to get my cape with a combat level of 100, it was difficult but doable especially if you get the mechanics for certain boss fights down. Now for my favorite quests in the game. This will contain spoilers for those who care about the lore. NOVICE
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2024.05.08 03:18 Ok_District4689 Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst
When the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
I woke up this morning and figured I'd call you In case I'm not here tomorrow, I'm hoping that I can borrow A peace of mind, I'm behind on what's really important My mind is really distorted, I find nothing but trouble in my life I'm fortunate you believe in a dream This orphanage we call a ghetto is quite a routine And last night was just another distraction or a reaction Of what we consider madness, I know exactly what happened You ran outside when you heard my brother cry for help Held him like a newborn baby and made him feel Like everything was alright and a fight he tried to put up But the type of bullet that stuck had went against his will As blood spilled on your hands, my plans rather vindictive Everybody's a victim in my eyes When I ride, it's a murderous rhythm and outside became pitch black A demon glued to my back whispering, "Get 'em" I got 'em, and I ain't give a fuck That same mentality that told my brother not to duck In actuality, it's a trip how we trip off of colors I wonder if I'll ever discover a passion like you and recover The life that I knew as a young'n in pajamas and dun-ta-duns When thunder comes it rains cats and dogs Dumb niggas like me never prosper Prognosis of a problem child, I'm proud and well devoted This piru shit been in me forever So forever I'mma push it, wherever, whenever And I love you 'cause you love my brother like you did Just promise me you'll tell this story when you make it big And if I die before your album drop, I hope (gunshots)
Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
You wrote a song about my sister on your tape And called it Section.80, the message resembled "Brenda's Got a Baby" What's crazy was, I was hearing about it But doubted your ignorance how could you ever just put her on blast and shit Judging her past and shit, well, it's completely my future Her nigga behind me right now asking for ass and shit And I'mma need that forty dollars even if I gotta Fuck, suck and swallow in the parking lot Gonzales Park, I'm followed by a married man, a father of three My titties bounce on the cadence of his tinkling keys Matter of fact, he my favorite 'cause he tip me with E's He got a cousin named David and I seen him last week This is the life of another girl damaged by the system These foster homes, I run away and never do miss 'em See, my hormones just run away and if I can get 'em back To where they used to be then I'll probably be in the denim Of a family gene that show women how to be woman Or better yet, a leader, you need her to learn somethin' Then you probably need to beat her, that's how I was taught Three niggas in one room, first time I was tossed And I'm exhausted, but fuck that "Sorry for your loss" shit My sister died in vain, but what point are you trying to gain If you can't fit the pumps I walk in? I'll wait Your rebuttal a little too late And if you have a album date, just make sure I'm not in the song 'Cause I don't need the attention bring enough of that on my own And matter fact, did I mention that I physically feel great? A doctor's approval is a waste of time, I know I'm straight I'll probably live longer than you and never fade away I'll never fade away, I'll never fade away, I know my fate And I'm on the grind for this cake, I'mma get it or die trying I'm eyeing every male gender with intentions of buying You lying to these motherfuckers, talking about you can help 'em With my story, you can help me if you sell this pussy for me, nigga Don't ignore me, nigga, fuck your glory, nigga...
When the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
Sometimes I look in a mirror and ask myself: Am I really scared of passing away? If it's today, I hope I hear a Cry out from heaven so loud it can water down a demon With the holy ghost 'til it drown in the blood of Jesus I wrote some raps that make sure that my lifeline Reeking the scent of a reaper, ensuring that my allegiance With the other side may come soon, and if I'm doomed May the womb help my mother be blessed for many moons I suffer a lot, and every day the glass mirror Get tougher to watch; I tie my stomach in knots And I'm not sure why I'm infatuated with death My imagination is surely an aggravation of threats That can come about, 'cause the tongue is mighty powerful And I can name a list of your favorites that probably vouch Maybe 'cause I'm a dreamer and sleep is the cousin of death Really stuck in the schema of wondering when I'mma rest And you're right, your brother was a brother to me And your sister's situation was the one that pulled me In a direction to speak of something that's realer than the TV screen By any means, wasn't trying to offend or come between Her personal life, I was like, "It need to be told" Cursing the life of twenty generations after her soul Exactly what'd happen if I ain't continued rappin' Or steady being distracted by money drugs and four- Fives, I count lives all on these songs Look at the weak and cry, pray one day, you'll be strong Fighting for your rights even when you're wrong And hope that at least one of you sing about me when I'm gone Am I worth it? Did I put enough work in?
Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
(Promise that you'll sing about me forever Promise that you'll sing about me for-ooooh) Promise that you'll sing about me forever Promise that you'll sing about me for-ooooh Promise that you'll sing about me forever Promise that you'll sing about me for-ooooh
"Nigga, the homie's brother-- nigga, right here, he gone, my nigga, he gone!" "Nigga-- they just killed the homie's brother, my nigga. We right here on the block, my nigga." "Al- alright, nigga-- nigga just come-- alright, alright, just call me back, man, just call me back." (Hangs up) "Arghh... *fuck!* ...So what we gon' do, my niggas? What we gon' do?" "Bro, we can go back right now, my nigga. Like... nigga, I don't give a FUCK, my nigga. We can go back right now.*" "Fuck! I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of fuckin' runnin', I'm tired of this shit! My brother, homie!"
Tired of running, tired of hunting My own kind but retiring nothing Tires are steady screeching, the driver is rubbing Hands on the wheel, who said we wasn't Dying of thirst, dying of thirst, dying of thirst
Dope on the corner, look at the coroner Daughter is dead, mother is mournin' her Strayed bullets, AK bullets Resuscitation was waiting patiently but they couldn't Bring her back, who got the footage? Channel 9, cameras is looking It's hard to channel your energy when you know you're crooked Banana clip, split his banana pudding I'm like Tre, that's Cuba Gooding I know I'm good at Dying of thirst, dying of thirst, dying of thirst
How many sins? I'm running out How many sins? I lost count Dreams of balling like Spalding But only shotty bounce The reaper calling, I'm cottonmouth Money is power (money is power) Yours is ours (yours is ours) Lay with a snitch, die with a coward Hope we get rich, hope we can tower Over the city with vanity with the music louder The same song, a black flower I'll show you how to dye your thirst, dye your thirst, dye your thirst
What are we doing? Who are we fooling? Hell is hot, fire is proven To burn for eternity, return of the student That never learned how to live righteous but how to shoot it Tired of running, choirs is hummin' Tell us to visit, we lying 'bout comin' Now back to business, loading the guns in Back of the Buick, your hood is feuding, and the beef is bubblin' It's no discussion Hereditary, all of my cousins Dying of thirst, dying of thirst, dying of thirst
Too many sins, I'm running out Somebody send me a well for the drought See, all I know, is taking notes On taking this life for granted, granted, if he provoke My best days, are stress days (Lord, forgive me for all my sins for I not know...) My best days, are stress days Say "Fuck the world, " my sex slave Money, pussy and greed; what's my next crave Whatever it is, know it's my next grave Tired of running, tired of running Tired of tumbling, tired of running Tired of tumbling Back once my momma say "See a pastor, give me a promise What if today was the rapture, and you completely tarnished The truth will set you free, so to me be completely honest You dying of thirst, you dying of thirst So hop in that water, and pray that it works"
Fuck! I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of fuckin' runnin', I'm tired of this shit! That's my brother, homie! ("Young man, come talk to me! Is that what I think that is?) I know that's not what I think that is Why are you so angry? See you young men are dying of thirst Do you know what that means? That means you need water, holy water You need to be baptized, with the spirit of The Lord Do you want to receive God as your personal savior? Okay, repeat after me Lord God, I come to you a sinner (Lord God, I come to you a sinner) And I humbly repent for my sins" (And I humbly repent for my sins) I believe that Jesus is Lord (I believe that Jesus is Lord) I believe you raised him from the dead (I believe you raised him from the dead) I would ask that Jesus come into my life (I would ask that Jesus come in my life) And to be my Lord and Savior And to be my Lord and Savior) I receive Jesus to take control of my life" (I receive Jesus to take control of my life) And that I may live with him from this day forward (And that I may live with him from this day forward) Thank you Lord Jesus for saving me with your precious blood (Thank you Lord Jesus for saving me with your precious blood) In Jesus name, amen (In Jesus name, amen) Alright now, remember this day: the start of a new life Your REAL life.
submitted by Ok_District4689 to KDOTLyrics [link] [comments]
I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
I woke up this morning and figured I'd call you In case I'm not here tomorrow, I'm hoping that I can borrow A peace of mind, I'm behind on what's really important My mind is really distorted, I find nothing but trouble in my life I'm fortunate you believe in a dream This orphanage we call a ghetto is quite a routine And last night was just another distraction or a reaction Of what we consider madness, I know exactly what happened You ran outside when you heard my brother cry for help Held him like a newborn baby and made him feel Like everything was alright and a fight he tried to put up But the type of bullet that stuck had went against his will As blood spilled on your hands, my plans rather vindictive Everybody's a victim in my eyes When I ride, it's a murderous rhythm and outside became pitch black A demon glued to my back whispering, "Get 'em" I got 'em, and I ain't give a fuck That same mentality that told my brother not to duck In actuality, it's a trip how we trip off of colors I wonder if I'll ever discover a passion like you and recover The life that I knew as a young'n in pajamas and dun-ta-duns When thunder comes it rains cats and dogs Dumb niggas like me never prosper Prognosis of a problem child, I'm proud and well devoted This piru shit been in me forever So forever I'mma push it, wherever, whenever And I love you 'cause you love my brother like you did Just promise me you'll tell this story when you make it big And if I die before your album drop, I hope (gunshots)
Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
You wrote a song about my sister on your tape And called it Section.80, the message resembled "Brenda's Got a Baby" What's crazy was, I was hearing about it But doubted your ignorance how could you ever just put her on blast and shit Judging her past and shit, well, it's completely my future Her nigga behind me right now asking for ass and shit And I'mma need that forty dollars even if I gotta Fuck, suck and swallow in the parking lot Gonzales Park, I'm followed by a married man, a father of three My titties bounce on the cadence of his tinkling keys Matter of fact, he my favorite 'cause he tip me with E's He got a cousin named David and I seen him last week This is the life of another girl damaged by the system These foster homes, I run away and never do miss 'em See, my hormones just run away and if I can get 'em back To where they used to be then I'll probably be in the denim Of a family gene that show women how to be woman Or better yet, a leader, you need her to learn somethin' Then you probably need to beat her, that's how I was taught Three niggas in one room, first time I was tossed And I'm exhausted, but fuck that "Sorry for your loss" shit My sister died in vain, but what point are you trying to gain If you can't fit the pumps I walk in? I'll wait Your rebuttal a little too late And if you have a album date, just make sure I'm not in the song 'Cause I don't need the attention bring enough of that on my own And matter fact, did I mention that I physically feel great? A doctor's approval is a waste of time, I know I'm straight I'll probably live longer than you and never fade away I'll never fade away, I'll never fade away, I know my fate And I'm on the grind for this cake, I'mma get it or die trying I'm eyeing every male gender with intentions of buying You lying to these motherfuckers, talking about you can help 'em With my story, you can help me if you sell this pussy for me, nigga Don't ignore me, nigga, fuck your glory, nigga...
When the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
Sometimes I look in a mirror and ask myself: Am I really scared of passing away? If it's today, I hope I hear a Cry out from heaven so loud it can water down a demon With the holy ghost 'til it drown in the blood of Jesus I wrote some raps that make sure that my lifeline Reeking the scent of a reaper, ensuring that my allegiance With the other side may come soon, and if I'm doomed May the womb help my mother be blessed for many moons I suffer a lot, and every day the glass mirror Get tougher to watch; I tie my stomach in knots And I'm not sure why I'm infatuated with death My imagination is surely an aggravation of threats That can come about, 'cause the tongue is mighty powerful And I can name a list of your favorites that probably vouch Maybe 'cause I'm a dreamer and sleep is the cousin of death Really stuck in the schema of wondering when I'mma rest And you're right, your brother was a brother to me And your sister's situation was the one that pulled me In a direction to speak of something that's realer than the TV screen By any means, wasn't trying to offend or come between Her personal life, I was like, "It need to be told" Cursing the life of twenty generations after her soul Exactly what'd happen if I ain't continued rappin' Or steady being distracted by money drugs and four- Fives, I count lives all on these songs Look at the weak and cry, pray one day, you'll be strong Fighting for your rights even when you're wrong And hope that at least one of you sing about me when I'm gone Am I worth it? Did I put enough work in?
Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me I said when the lights shut off And it's my turn to settle down My main concern Promise that you will sing about me Promise that you will sing about me
(Promise that you'll sing about me forever Promise that you'll sing about me for-ooooh) Promise that you'll sing about me forever Promise that you'll sing about me for-ooooh Promise that you'll sing about me forever Promise that you'll sing about me for-ooooh
"Nigga, the homie's brother-- nigga, right here, he gone, my nigga, he gone!" "Nigga-- they just killed the homie's brother, my nigga. We right here on the block, my nigga." "Al- alright, nigga-- nigga just come-- alright, alright, just call me back, man, just call me back." (Hangs up) "Arghh... *fuck!* ...So what we gon' do, my niggas? What we gon' do?" "Bro, we can go back right now, my nigga. Like... nigga, I don't give a FUCK, my nigga. We can go back right now.*" "Fuck! I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of fuckin' runnin', I'm tired of this shit! My brother, homie!"
Tired of running, tired of hunting My own kind but retiring nothing Tires are steady screeching, the driver is rubbing Hands on the wheel, who said we wasn't Dying of thirst, dying of thirst, dying of thirst
Dope on the corner, look at the coroner Daughter is dead, mother is mournin' her Strayed bullets, AK bullets Resuscitation was waiting patiently but they couldn't Bring her back, who got the footage? Channel 9, cameras is looking It's hard to channel your energy when you know you're crooked Banana clip, split his banana pudding I'm like Tre, that's Cuba Gooding I know I'm good at Dying of thirst, dying of thirst, dying of thirst
How many sins? I'm running out How many sins? I lost count Dreams of balling like Spalding But only shotty bounce The reaper calling, I'm cottonmouth Money is power (money is power) Yours is ours (yours is ours) Lay with a snitch, die with a coward Hope we get rich, hope we can tower Over the city with vanity with the music louder The same song, a black flower I'll show you how to dye your thirst, dye your thirst, dye your thirst
What are we doing? Who are we fooling? Hell is hot, fire is proven To burn for eternity, return of the student That never learned how to live righteous but how to shoot it Tired of running, choirs is hummin' Tell us to visit, we lying 'bout comin' Now back to business, loading the guns in Back of the Buick, your hood is feuding, and the beef is bubblin' It's no discussion Hereditary, all of my cousins Dying of thirst, dying of thirst, dying of thirst
Too many sins, I'm running out Somebody send me a well for the drought See, all I know, is taking notes On taking this life for granted, granted, if he provoke My best days, are stress days (Lord, forgive me for all my sins for I not know...) My best days, are stress days Say "Fuck the world, " my sex slave Money, pussy and greed; what's my next crave Whatever it is, know it's my next grave Tired of running, tired of running Tired of tumbling, tired of running Tired of tumbling Back once my momma say "See a pastor, give me a promise What if today was the rapture, and you completely tarnished The truth will set you free, so to me be completely honest You dying of thirst, you dying of thirst So hop in that water, and pray that it works"
Fuck! I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of fuckin' runnin', I'm tired of this shit! That's my brother, homie! ("Young man, come talk to me! Is that what I think that is?) I know that's not what I think that is Why are you so angry? See you young men are dying of thirst Do you know what that means? That means you need water, holy water You need to be baptized, with the spirit of The Lord Do you want to receive God as your personal savior? Okay, repeat after me Lord God, I come to you a sinner (Lord God, I come to you a sinner) And I humbly repent for my sins" (And I humbly repent for my sins) I believe that Jesus is Lord (I believe that Jesus is Lord) I believe you raised him from the dead (I believe you raised him from the dead) I would ask that Jesus come into my life (I would ask that Jesus come in my life) And to be my Lord and Savior And to be my Lord and Savior) I receive Jesus to take control of my life" (I receive Jesus to take control of my life) And that I may live with him from this day forward (And that I may live with him from this day forward) Thank you Lord Jesus for saving me with your precious blood (Thank you Lord Jesus for saving me with your precious blood) In Jesus name, amen (In Jesus name, amen) Alright now, remember this day: the start of a new life Your REAL life.
2024.05.07 17:04 SlightlyAnonymous87 The Undraftables Week 5 Update
The Undraftables: Week 5 Update (Going into/during Week 6)
I initially undertook this challenge with the NBA and decided to extend it to MLB as well. The rules are simple: I cannot select any player who has an Average Draft Position (ADP), regardless of how high or low it may be. Even if a player's ADP is 250+, they are off-limits if they have any average draft position. My draft took place on Sunday, April 7th. Admittedly, this was after the start of the season, but my focus had been primarily on the NBA season, leaving me with limited time to prepare for baseball. Nevertheless, I managed to squeeze in most of my MLB prep work within a few days/week. This is a standard 12 team head to head category league on yahoo with 6 adds per week. The buy-in was lower than my usual, but not free (inactivity and too easy).
Here was the draft results:
I would like to discuss my solo trade that I pulled off for a bit. I send out my fishing rod with a very high volume of trade offers and one of them got a bite! There is usually much communication and sometimes back and forth that happens. I type very much to my fellow managers. I been lucky they have worked with me and communicated back and forth. But this trade for this week in particular they just quickly accepted! I wrote about them getting a closer in Ginkel (even though he is likely to lose the role depending on the health of Sewald) and wrote up Ronel Blanco enormously. I had 2 paragraphs talking him up. Then I talked down about Sale regarding his health/injury history and his age where he might be washed and how he struggled in his start against weak offense in MIA. Well my narratives worked. While I don't fully thing this is a "slam dunk" guaranteed win (because those narratives are actually honest and slight concern) I do think I got the better side in large part because Sale rotation spot is secure and ATL will get plenty of wins. (Sale already has 4 wins and he is a proven winner in his illustrious career). This trade is similar to my previous trades because again I'm banking on career track record rather than "this season stats". Also, Chris Sale has been one of my favorite players for years and years now! Did I make the trade due to my fandom bias? Not really, but if I'm being honest maybe sorta? I don't like to tell my friends "I have Ronel Blanco on my team", I want to tell my friends that "I have future hall of famer Chris Sale". :) It may not work out in my favor though, we shall see!!!
My matchup for this current week features an opponent who has stolen 20 bases on the season (vs my 33) so I feel safe in that category. There will be a real close call for AVG with them hitting .269 on season (vs my .259). (Big reason why I added in Jackson Merrill). I also may move off Ruiz or drop a pitcher to sub instead of Ruiz (cuz long term the speed skills for Ruiz are too intriguing to just let go of?) and I would add a hitter with more AVG. (Jung Hoo Lee keeps staring at me so enticingly! Or maybe I'm the one staring at him? Someone tell his girlfriend/wife? haha) Number of options that I'm pontificating. I also wanted Ruiz for the doubleheader games on WED. So my move might be after those games. I concede HR and RBI as I have no chance. I may also concede Runs, but last week I was only 10 behind in runs... If I wanted to chase runs the best play would have been getting more bats from OAK and TEX (Something that might be useful to some of you in your waiver moves this week), but I decided to be playing the long term future focus and securing a very strong hit tool hitter (65grade) like Merrill was very important to me.
For the pitching matchup, they have thrown 219k vs my 244k so that still might get close... Their ratios are very bad with 3.80era and 1.17whip on season in comparison to my league leading 2.26era and 1.02whip, but of course that can fluctuate based on MLB team matchups. They have 7 starters (9 scheduled starts) and only 2 relievers so I have the slight edge on more saves with my 3 relievers. I only have 10 scheduled starts so it could get quite close in the wins and strikeouts battles!!! That will be a debate for me midweek/late-week if I add streaming pitching or higher AVG hitters. Some of you might wonder how I know these stats on my opponents, well make sure you check the TEAM STATS page (on yahoo) to gain this information on your opponents as it will give you an insight on their strengths and weaknesses. (Do be aware that moves they have made can fluctuate this slightly/drastically) It will help you in determining what categories you can attack each week or which ones to punt. I track this in a notepad document for each league that I am in and refer to it every night as I decide the moves I make or do not make. "Sometimes the best moves you make are actually the moves you DO NOT make." Same concept/phrase applies for trades.
In terms of the moves I have made already on MON and my future moves this week, well I'm also eyeing up my streams for later in the week too. Kodai Senga I felt was an absolute must add considering his return timetable could be only a few weeks out. His numbers last season were that of an Ace (2.98era, huge k rate, 12wins). Being able to add an Ace on the waiver wire is *chefs kiss*. He was dropped a few days earlier (by a diamond rated manager). I mention that because there is this thought out in the community that "my league never drops great players or ever makes easy trades", yet I continue to see across my leagues (and others that people mention) that managers are in fact dropping great players. I took note of that manager and added the relevant information into my nerdy little notepad document. "Team XYZ doesn't like injured players". Although in their defense, actually at the time they made the drop they had 5 players injured and only 4 IL spots. (Gerrit Cole, Senga, Fairbanks, Yelich, Josh Lowe). It's also possible Senga could have a setback so there is risk in that regard... I possibly could have went with a 2 start SP streamer like Luis Gil or Simeon Woods Richardson (looked amazing) (both were in strong consideration for me!). I almost went with Tyler Anderson, but glad I decided against that as he struggled MON. There is a debate on the value of Gavin Stone vs MIA tomorrow, but then I would miss out on the start of Crochet or Fedde if I were to drop them so it's "not ideal for maximum starts" type of thing... Civale vs CWS is also available but he struggled last time vs CWS and his last 3 starts have been terrible. Some interesting other options too.
I feel pretty good about my offense to be honest. Even though there is not be huge superstar names, they are still "useful" for what I want them to do. (As mentioned in last weeks update) Because of this I do think it is more likely my moves will be for pitching. I'm a tad worried Sal Frelick hit 7th on MON. I want him at leadoff. Oh! I want to mention that I tried trading for Tyler Black and the guy rejected trade, but then turns around the next day and dropped Tyler Black!!! (bit odd) So Mr. Black is absolutely on my radar to add! He has those contact, OBP, speed and hits top part of the lineup! SIGN ME UP!
Bit of strategy talk here regarding my team build. The goal of a punt power build is to win 2 offensive categories (Ideally 3 eventually, R, AVG, SB) and win 4-5 pitching categories. (If you are able to obtain closers you have upside to win 5 pitching cats, if you punt saves then your upside is 4 and you would be more consistently likely to win WINS and K categories) I technically currently have the upside to win all 5 pitching and 2 hitting categories. (If I gain runs value I would even have maximum upside of 8 categories! 5+3=8) Remember that in category leagues you ONLY NEED TO WIN 6 categories folks! This is the benefit of punting! (And technically in h2h playoffs you can have a tie 5-5 and still advance to next round due to season standings and matchup ranking!) I think punting gives you less variance than other builds? Or maybe this less variance is just from having high AVG contact hitters? Discuss? (Could be an ongoing discussion throughout the season)
There is an interesting topic to bring up regarding trading for hitters who fit the "punt power" type of team build. I think buying low on Kwan and Trea Turner now become viable possibilities for my team and other punt power teams that may exist out there! If you have any other names that could be buy low, I'm all ears. Remember to always keep an eye out for prospects coming up who have the skills that you want/need! Sometimes you can trade away your current assets that you have for upgrades at weak positions on your team and then fill those holes of the guys you traded away with prospects who are coming up soon or have already come up. (Or a hot waiver wire bat that will fill in temporarily) In this way you become a team with "less weaknesses" (Of course that advice can apply to all sorts of type of team builds in head to head category leagues). What this means for this Undraftables team is I may be able to flip my pitching assets for hitting upgrades that give the full trifecta of RUNS, AVG, SB. (Corbin Caroll firmly on my future radar) Maybe I should already be sending feelers, hmmm...
Overall, I'm quite happy with my team's performance and strategy, even though it's considered a tougher challenge. As mentioned my goal is to win by a score of 6-4 or tie 5-5, but eventually will have upside to win 7-3 or even 8-2. I'm willing to make adjustments for each week and consider player recommendations to achieve that goal. So far, this has gone better than I expected (whereas this was tougher in the NBA)! One of the bigger takeaways you can glean from this strategy is that there are numerous ways to win a category league. I have won with punt power strategy for 3-4 years now so for me it is "proven winner". (Notate that this punt power strategy has NOT been tested in Roto YET. I plan to test that next year. Is this the best way to "punt power"? No, remember this was an "extra challenge" that I set forth upon myself.) You really don't have to go "Undraftables" (hard mode) like I have! A big takeway is that having superstars (or stars) undeniably will help a build like this do even better (Ronald Acuna, Elly De La Cruz, Witt, Corbin Carroll, etc), but you don't necessarily "need" those superstars. Instead you just need to have the right build or combination of players and a focus on your matchups. (In fantasy and MLB) There are various "useful" players with skill sets that are still worthy. You don't always need "The best player" in everything. (At least NOT IN A CATEGORY LEAGUE) If you have suffered severe injuries to some power hitters (like Trout, Casas, Royce Lewis, Josh Jung) you could transition and/or trade into a "punt power build" to try it out? (Or that could be something you consider further down the road in the season too) If you need help on how to do it, I'm your guy!
I'll provide weekly updates on Monday mornings (Tuesday for this week) on the team's progress, so let me know if you'd like to follow along or have any suggestions! Thoughts on the team? If you want the previous updates on the team with "How I ended up here" and each week breakdown you can find them in a FB group or I can send them to you in a message. (I wasn't able to post early in season because I changed reddit profiles (hated my username) from last year which had bunches of karma!) (Can't post if you don't have enough karma) Additionally, I'm recruiting for next year, (although this is NOT the central goal of this post) where this unique drafting strategy will be the league's standard for each owner.
submitted by SlightlyAnonymous87 to fantasybaseball [link] [comments]
I initially undertook this challenge with the NBA and decided to extend it to MLB as well. The rules are simple: I cannot select any player who has an Average Draft Position (ADP), regardless of how high or low it may be. Even if a player's ADP is 250+, they are off-limits if they have any average draft position. My draft took place on Sunday, April 7th. Admittedly, this was after the start of the season, but my focus had been primarily on the NBA season, leaving me with limited time to prepare for baseball. Nevertheless, I managed to squeeze in most of my MLB prep work within a few days/week. This is a standard 12 team head to head category league on yahoo with 6 adds per week. The buy-in was lower than my usual, but not free (inactivity and too easy).
Here was the draft results:
- (6) Lance McCullers Jr. (HOU - SP)
- (19) Drew Rasmussen (TB - SP)
- (30) Dustin May (LAD - SP)
- (43) Ronel Blanco (HOU - SP,RP)
- (54) Brady Singer (KC - SP)
- (67) Paul Blackburn (OAK - SP)
- (78) Cody Bradford (TEX - SP,RP)
- (91) Chad Green (TOR - RP)
- (102) Steven Matz (STL - SP,RP)
- (115) Tanner Houck (BOS - SP)
- (126) Tyler Anderson (LAA - SP)
- (139) Spencer Turnbull (PHI - SP)
- (150) Connor Joe (PIT - 1B,OF)
- (163) José Caballero (TB - 2B,SS)
- (174) Gio Urshela (DET - 1B,3B,SS)
- (187) Will Brennan (CLE - OF)
- (198) Jake McCarthy (AZ - OF)
- (211) Jorge Mateo (BAL - SS)
- (222) Dairon Blanco (KC - OF)
- (235) Jacob Young (WSH - OF)
- (246) Bubba Thompson (CIN - OF)
- (259) Trevor Williams (WSH - SP)
- (270) Reese McGuire (BOS - C)
- Jackson Merrill (1 FAAB)
- Esteury Ruiz
- Kodai Senga (1 FAAB)
- Bailey Falter
- Nolan Jones (because I have Yandy)
- Traded away Ronel Blanco and Kevin Ginkel, Received Chris Sale
- C: Luis Campusano (for AVG, sorta Runs?)
- 1B: Yandy Diaz (Runs, AVG) (even though he struggled so far)
- 2B: Ahmed Rosario (SB, AVG)
- 3B: Maikel Garcia (SB, Runs, maybe AVG, somehow RBI?)
- SS: Jose Caballero (SB, maybe AVG)
- OF: Jacob Young (AVG, SB, maybe R cuz leadoff?)
- OF: Jake McCarthy (AVG, SB)
- OF: Sal Frelick (Runs, AVG, SB) (batting 7th now?)
- UTL: Jackson Merrill (AVG mostly, mid SB, mid R)
- UTL: Esteury Ruiz (SB)
- SP: George Kirby (Ace)
- SP: Kevin Gauseman (Ace)
- RP: James McAurthur (closer)
- RP: Kirby Yates (closer)
- P: Hector Neris (closer)
- P: Cole Ragans (Ace)
- P: Chris Sale (Ace? ATL more wins)
- P: Bobby Miller (Ace? LAD more wins)
- Bench: Chris Bassit (struggling, but great track record)
- Bench: Jon Gray (2.50era 1.16whip, vs COL. Sell high?)
- Bench: Jameson Taillon (3wins, 1.13era, 0.88whip vs PIT. Sell high?)
- Bench: Garret Crochet (1.01whip, high k rate, might cut after FRI)
- Bench: Erick Fedde (Numbers look elite like in Japan)
- IL: Jacob Degrom (ELITE when healthy)
- IL: Max Scherzer (ELITE when healthy)
- IL: Drew Rasmussen (almost elite when healthy, bit underrated)
- IL: Kodai Senga (almost elite when healthy)
I would like to discuss my solo trade that I pulled off for a bit. I send out my fishing rod with a very high volume of trade offers and one of them got a bite! There is usually much communication and sometimes back and forth that happens. I type very much to my fellow managers. I been lucky they have worked with me and communicated back and forth. But this trade for this week in particular they just quickly accepted! I wrote about them getting a closer in Ginkel (even though he is likely to lose the role depending on the health of Sewald) and wrote up Ronel Blanco enormously. I had 2 paragraphs talking him up. Then I talked down about Sale regarding his health/injury history and his age where he might be washed and how he struggled in his start against weak offense in MIA. Well my narratives worked. While I don't fully thing this is a "slam dunk" guaranteed win (because those narratives are actually honest and slight concern) I do think I got the better side in large part because Sale rotation spot is secure and ATL will get plenty of wins. (Sale already has 4 wins and he is a proven winner in his illustrious career). This trade is similar to my previous trades because again I'm banking on career track record rather than "this season stats". Also, Chris Sale has been one of my favorite players for years and years now! Did I make the trade due to my fandom bias? Not really, but if I'm being honest maybe sorta? I don't like to tell my friends "I have Ronel Blanco on my team", I want to tell my friends that "I have future hall of famer Chris Sale". :) It may not work out in my favor though, we shall see!!!
My matchup for this current week features an opponent who has stolen 20 bases on the season (vs my 33) so I feel safe in that category. There will be a real close call for AVG with them hitting .269 on season (vs my .259). (Big reason why I added in Jackson Merrill). I also may move off Ruiz or drop a pitcher to sub instead of Ruiz (cuz long term the speed skills for Ruiz are too intriguing to just let go of?) and I would add a hitter with more AVG. (Jung Hoo Lee keeps staring at me so enticingly! Or maybe I'm the one staring at him? Someone tell his girlfriend/wife? haha) Number of options that I'm pontificating. I also wanted Ruiz for the doubleheader games on WED. So my move might be after those games. I concede HR and RBI as I have no chance. I may also concede Runs, but last week I was only 10 behind in runs... If I wanted to chase runs the best play would have been getting more bats from OAK and TEX (Something that might be useful to some of you in your waiver moves this week), but I decided to be playing the long term future focus and securing a very strong hit tool hitter (65grade) like Merrill was very important to me.
For the pitching matchup, they have thrown 219k vs my 244k so that still might get close... Their ratios are very bad with 3.80era and 1.17whip on season in comparison to my league leading 2.26era and 1.02whip, but of course that can fluctuate based on MLB team matchups. They have 7 starters (9 scheduled starts) and only 2 relievers so I have the slight edge on more saves with my 3 relievers. I only have 10 scheduled starts so it could get quite close in the wins and strikeouts battles!!! That will be a debate for me midweek/late-week if I add streaming pitching or higher AVG hitters. Some of you might wonder how I know these stats on my opponents, well make sure you check the TEAM STATS page (on yahoo) to gain this information on your opponents as it will give you an insight on their strengths and weaknesses. (Do be aware that moves they have made can fluctuate this slightly/drastically) It will help you in determining what categories you can attack each week or which ones to punt. I track this in a notepad document for each league that I am in and refer to it every night as I decide the moves I make or do not make. "Sometimes the best moves you make are actually the moves you DO NOT make." Same concept/phrase applies for trades.
In terms of the moves I have made already on MON and my future moves this week, well I'm also eyeing up my streams for later in the week too. Kodai Senga I felt was an absolute must add considering his return timetable could be only a few weeks out. His numbers last season were that of an Ace (2.98era, huge k rate, 12wins). Being able to add an Ace on the waiver wire is *chefs kiss*. He was dropped a few days earlier (by a diamond rated manager). I mention that because there is this thought out in the community that "my league never drops great players or ever makes easy trades", yet I continue to see across my leagues (and others that people mention) that managers are in fact dropping great players. I took note of that manager and added the relevant information into my nerdy little notepad document. "Team XYZ doesn't like injured players". Although in their defense, actually at the time they made the drop they had 5 players injured and only 4 IL spots. (Gerrit Cole, Senga, Fairbanks, Yelich, Josh Lowe). It's also possible Senga could have a setback so there is risk in that regard... I possibly could have went with a 2 start SP streamer like Luis Gil or Simeon Woods Richardson (looked amazing) (both were in strong consideration for me!). I almost went with Tyler Anderson, but glad I decided against that as he struggled MON. There is a debate on the value of Gavin Stone vs MIA tomorrow, but then I would miss out on the start of Crochet or Fedde if I were to drop them so it's "not ideal for maximum starts" type of thing... Civale vs CWS is also available but he struggled last time vs CWS and his last 3 starts have been terrible. Some interesting other options too.
I feel pretty good about my offense to be honest. Even though there is not be huge superstar names, they are still "useful" for what I want them to do. (As mentioned in last weeks update) Because of this I do think it is more likely my moves will be for pitching. I'm a tad worried Sal Frelick hit 7th on MON. I want him at leadoff. Oh! I want to mention that I tried trading for Tyler Black and the guy rejected trade, but then turns around the next day and dropped Tyler Black!!! (bit odd) So Mr. Black is absolutely on my radar to add! He has those contact, OBP, speed and hits top part of the lineup! SIGN ME UP!
Bit of strategy talk here regarding my team build. The goal of a punt power build is to win 2 offensive categories (Ideally 3 eventually, R, AVG, SB) and win 4-5 pitching categories. (If you are able to obtain closers you have upside to win 5 pitching cats, if you punt saves then your upside is 4 and you would be more consistently likely to win WINS and K categories) I technically currently have the upside to win all 5 pitching and 2 hitting categories. (If I gain runs value I would even have maximum upside of 8 categories! 5+3=8) Remember that in category leagues you ONLY NEED TO WIN 6 categories folks! This is the benefit of punting! (And technically in h2h playoffs you can have a tie 5-5 and still advance to next round due to season standings and matchup ranking!) I think punting gives you less variance than other builds? Or maybe this less variance is just from having high AVG contact hitters? Discuss? (Could be an ongoing discussion throughout the season)
There is an interesting topic to bring up regarding trading for hitters who fit the "punt power" type of team build. I think buying low on Kwan and Trea Turner now become viable possibilities for my team and other punt power teams that may exist out there! If you have any other names that could be buy low, I'm all ears. Remember to always keep an eye out for prospects coming up who have the skills that you want/need! Sometimes you can trade away your current assets that you have for upgrades at weak positions on your team and then fill those holes of the guys you traded away with prospects who are coming up soon or have already come up. (Or a hot waiver wire bat that will fill in temporarily) In this way you become a team with "less weaknesses" (Of course that advice can apply to all sorts of type of team builds in head to head category leagues). What this means for this Undraftables team is I may be able to flip my pitching assets for hitting upgrades that give the full trifecta of RUNS, AVG, SB. (Corbin Caroll firmly on my future radar) Maybe I should already be sending feelers, hmmm...
Overall, I'm quite happy with my team's performance and strategy, even though it's considered a tougher challenge. As mentioned my goal is to win by a score of 6-4 or tie 5-5, but eventually will have upside to win 7-3 or even 8-2. I'm willing to make adjustments for each week and consider player recommendations to achieve that goal. So far, this has gone better than I expected (whereas this was tougher in the NBA)! One of the bigger takeaways you can glean from this strategy is that there are numerous ways to win a category league. I have won with punt power strategy for 3-4 years now so for me it is "proven winner". (Notate that this punt power strategy has NOT been tested in Roto YET. I plan to test that next year. Is this the best way to "punt power"? No, remember this was an "extra challenge" that I set forth upon myself.) You really don't have to go "Undraftables" (hard mode) like I have! A big takeway is that having superstars (or stars) undeniably will help a build like this do even better (Ronald Acuna, Elly De La Cruz, Witt, Corbin Carroll, etc), but you don't necessarily "need" those superstars. Instead you just need to have the right build or combination of players and a focus on your matchups. (In fantasy and MLB) There are various "useful" players with skill sets that are still worthy. You don't always need "The best player" in everything. (At least NOT IN A CATEGORY LEAGUE) If you have suffered severe injuries to some power hitters (like Trout, Casas, Royce Lewis, Josh Jung) you could transition and/or trade into a "punt power build" to try it out? (Or that could be something you consider further down the road in the season too) If you need help on how to do it, I'm your guy!
I'll provide weekly updates on Monday mornings (Tuesday for this week) on the team's progress, so let me know if you'd like to follow along or have any suggestions! Thoughts on the team? If you want the previous updates on the team with "How I ended up here" and each week breakdown you can find them in a FB group or I can send them to you in a message. (I wasn't able to post early in season because I changed reddit profiles (hated my username) from last year which had bunches of karma!) (Can't post if you don't have enough karma) Additionally, I'm recruiting for next year, (although this is NOT the central goal of this post) where this unique drafting strategy will be the league's standard for each owner.
2024.05.06 23:12 kasutori_Jack 2024 r/baseball Power Rankings -- Week 6: New (Old?) #1, Twins Continue Climb While A's, DC, and Padres Assault, Demolish, and Punish Opponents, Reds Get Rocked and Many Teams See Huge Swings!
Hey Sportsfans — it's time for Week 6 of baseball Power Rankings: Please enjoy these completely accurate baseball numbers.
Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:
TRANSPARENCY: This link will show you who voted each team where and has added neat statistics!
If something is a little messed up, feel free to pester me let me know.
Total Votes: 30 of 30. A Perfect Vote!.
submitted by kasutori_Jack to baseball [link] [comments]
Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:
"To an extent determined individually, you must take into account how strong a team is right now and likely to be going forward. You must, to some degree, give weight to the events and games of the previous week."
Total Votes: 30 of 30. A Perfect Vote!.
| # | Team | Δ | Comment | Record | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Dodgers | +2 | The Dodgers go into this next week after having swept the Braves and stepping on the sneks. They lead the league in run differential by a significant margin and seem to only be heating up. BlaQ Treinen hasreturning and not to mention Walker frickin Buehler returning after basically 2 years on the IL. I hope this team continues to prove they deserve the hype because damn us fans have been feasting lately. | 23-13 | |
| 2 | Orioles | +2 | Wow some insane starting pitching this week. Was good to see Bradish and Means come back and pitch incredibly well. The Orioles starters over the last 20 games have a 2.55 ERA, and over the last 7 it's barely above a 1.00. Now to think that can continue is a big stretch, however we now have a rotation of Burnes, Rodriguez (when off the IL), Bradish, Means, Irvin and Kremer. I don't think it'll stay a six-man rotation, but who knows. Either way it was fun to watch this week. Westburg also is quietly putting together a solid first full season. He is much better than I thought he would be as an everyday player. This week it is the surprising Nationals and the slumping D-Backs, with a couple of days off thrown in. Hopefully we can go 4-1. | 23-11 | |
| 3 | Phillies | +3 | The Phillies have the best record in baseball in May on the back of winning 16 of 19 after starting the season at 8-8. Granted, it hasn't been against the best teams, but it hasn't all been against cellar dwellers. They're propelled largely by the red hot Alec Bohm and his 18 game hitting streak. He has a 1.278 OPS with RISP and leads the league in average and RBIs. He flashed a bit of this potential in his rookie 2020 season, but this is next level. The bad news is that Trea Turner is set to miss around six weeks with a hamstring strain. They have good depth in Whit Merrifield and Edmundo Sosa, but losing Turner and him losing his own momentum will hurt. This week, one more against the Giants before a 2 game set against Toronto, followed by 3 in Miami. | 24-11 | |
| 4 | Yankees | -2 | A sweep against Detroit is a sign for optimism, taking one of four against Baltimore is scary. Rizzo and Soto are both firing off right now, and Judge is steadily picking up the pace. Luis Gil seems to be a massive positive surprise, and Lord knows we could use another solid starter. Clay Holmes is the epitome of lights out, probably the hottest player on the team at the moment. The whole rotation has an ERA between 3.00 and 4.00, which is perfectly decent and sure to get better when Cole returns and relegates [redacted] to the bullpen. We play Houston starting on Tuesday, and I’m expecting the Bleacher Creatures to directly quote Kendrick Lamar’s recent diss tracks to Astros players. Ahem... Them cheating powers gettin’ neutralized, I can only watch in silence, the famous Astros we once knew is lookin’ paranoid and spiralin’. You’re movin’ like a trash can beater, every sign is feelin’ stolen. I calculate you’re not as calculated, you can’t even predict my every fastball. | 23-13 | |
| 5 | Braves | -4 | Oof. This week sucked. It really really sucked. But we have played three first place teams in a row, including 6 games on a west coast road trip. This is one of the toughest 9 game stretches any team will play all year. We will be ok. This team is built to win, and they will. Everybody calm down. | 20-12 | |
| 6 | Guardians | -1 | What a shitty week. The Braves series was a nightmare and we only won one game by one run in extra innings. Same with the Astros, who finally appeared to be bad. Then my streak of the Guardians winning games I go to died when they were playing the Angels, who I actually thought WERE bad. At that game, they got shut out. Then after that, they won the two games I didn't go to this past weekend. Maybe that's a sign of them coming back to life. | 22-12 | |
| 7 | Brewers | 0 | The Brewers were on the wrong end of some poor umpiring and close loses this week, which I suppose beats being the poor umpiring and blowout losses of last week. Fortunately, their strong start to the season is keeping them on top of the division as they try to bounce back against the Royals and Cardinals this week. | 20-13 | |
| 8 | Cubs | 0 | Another week, another 2 games the Cubs lost because the bullpen could not hold a lead. It now seems that no lead is safe, because nearly every game where the Cubs have a lead ends up with Hector Neris performing a high-wire act in the 9th inning. While he has gotten out of it more times than not, it is clearly unsustainable and not helping the cardiac health of the Northside. Furthermore, seemingly the entire offense has gone quiet, with numerous key players being mired in massive slumps. Despite all these woes, the Cubs went 4-3 behind a rotation that has been lights out, allowing just 4 ER in 7 games. The rotation will also get a large boost with the return of Justin Steele, who has been on the IL since opening day with a hamstring strain. He will look to get back on track as the Cubs play 3 against the Padres in Wrigley before a 3 game set in Pittsburgh. | 21-14 | |
| 9 | Twins | +6 | The streak is over, but 12 wins in a row has given this team a completely different look. These are the Twins we were promised going into the season, and despite our slow start, we've dug ourselves out of that early hole and are ready to compete. The offense has come to life, and as we're getting our injured guys back things are only getting better in Minnesota. | 19-14 | |
| 10 | Rangers | +1 | Pitching is continuing to wear thin after another starter hitting the DL, this time with Eovaldi being forced out due to groin issues. Wyatt Langford will be joining that list too today due to his hamstrings. The injury luck has not been on the Ranger's side this year so far. 3 series wins in a row though has helped. | 19-16 | |
| 11 | Mariners | +1 | Braves? Handled. Astros? Dumped on. This team continues to cruise along, getting their series win streak up to six. The starter 2 ER streak has ended, but the rotation overall is still looking like 4 Cy Young candidates and a far-exceeding expectations Hancock. Woo likely makes his return during the next homestand, and I expect Hancock will be sent back down, but he's done a hell of a job. Still waiting on the offense to click (Rojas aside, who is sneakily having a ridiculous season so far), but hopefully they show up soon. Also, welcome to my first week of more accurate ratings this season - I definitely didn't accidentally forget to update a few of my formulas to point to this year's stats instead of last year's, that would be very stupid of me! Up next: 4 @ Minnie Soda, 3 vs. SELL THE TEAMs | 19-15 | |
| 12 | Royals | -2 | The news that the Royals were interested in Luis Arraez speaks volumes. A fast start seemingly has the front office thinking big and dreaming of a run through October. It also would appear to signal that the Royals are going to be making moves to improve the roster. Let's see where they are in June, but this could be a fun trade deadline. | 20-15 | |
| 13 | Red Sox | -4 | Dear Dobert, I'll never forget the day you first graced our roster, August 30th, 2020. You showed us your long ball swing, and that day a city fell in love. For some, these feelings faded as the years went by, the honeymoon period receding as the all-too-usual resentment began to set in, but not I. I choose to remember the 46 dingers, not the 369 strikeouts. I saw you when you came back this year with improved defense. I know in my heart that you were just one game away from breaking out. May you mash for the rest of your days in AAA my sweet prince. | 19-16 | |
| 14 | Padres | +5 | Prellar gets a lot of deserved hate from our community, including from myself, so it takes a lot for me to admit when it seems that he's right about something. Prospects are just that, so we won't know for years what they turn out to be, and if the deal was worth it in retrospect. The best Padre Prospect in the deal is Dillon Head, a 19 year old outfield in Lake Elsinore (High A), so a few years away from the majors at least. One of Prellar's biggest faults as a gm has been the lack of depth, and the results of a star-studded lineup without the depth to back them up. So, the depth here of a certified major league contact bat in Luis Arraez is greatly appreciated. He had an amazing debut in Az on Saturday too, going 4/6 with an rbi. With the Padres not looking to enter the luxury tax again (and face the repeater's tax), their options had seemed limited in what they could do here. Well, the Marlins are paying almost all of Arraez's salary along in the deal...Props to Prellar. The Pads couldn't quite sweep the snakes or the Reds, but 2 outta 3 aint bad, man. | 18-19 | |
| 15 | Tigers | -1 | Riley Greene is blossoming right before our very eyes. If you haven't been paying attention, this is your offical notice to see the improvements the very-soon-to-be All Star is making. Terrorizing baseballs in the zone, being more selective on pitches to damage, and taking his walks at the plate, Greene is slashing .269/.397/.538 while still recovering from Tommy John surgery. This week: 3 at CLE, 3 vs. HOU. | 18-16 | |
| 16 | Rays | +4 | Cash is now the winningest manager in Rays history. Someone shouted "Do a kickflip!" at Jonny DeLuca and he landed it with his eyes closed. Randy hit a clutch HR. Our city connects are literally fire. Josh Lowe is coming back. The Rays may never lose again. | 17-18 | |
| 17 | Mets | -1 | The Mets look like a thoroughly mid team. Pitching prospect Christian Scott has joined our rotation and had a great debut over the weekend, Adrian Houser has been sent to the bullpen. We played every day this week and went 2-5. Candidly, I'm having a lot of trouble paying attention to a 16-18 Mets team during a Knicks playoff run - hopefully the season isn't completely lost by the time they have my undivided attention again. | 16-18 | |
| 18 | Reds | -5 | Aghast, the Reds dost most sucketh. Nay, 'tis but our offense that doth sucketh, whilst thine pitching hast been merely passable. 'Tis a troubling trend indeed, for each encounter with a formidable foe doth render us as naught but children seeking a place at the grown-ups' table. 'Tis not a comforting sight. The entirety of thine offense seemeth to have abandoned us. Thy dost witnessed the contest yester against the Orioles, and verily, it appeared mostest that we surrendered upon the first inning's conclusion. Thee doth wish for improvement upon the return of more players, yet if the absence of but three offensive players doth plunge our entire offense into oblivion, then verily, our situation is most direst. The Orioles hath thoroughly bested us as if we were mere peasants, and truth be told, thy am somewhat perplexed as to our course of action. A harsh sequence of matches doth loomest ahead, but that is a matter for the week hence. | 16-18 | |
| 19 | Nationals | +5 | TBH this team is better than I expected. They're so scrappy and their ability to get on base and steal bases is really impressive. The pitching still leaves a lot to be desired (they employ Patrick Corbin for Christ's sake) but that's not the final form. Jacob Young finally got caught stealing this week and hasn't stolen a base since April 29. I'm also really sad that Tanner Rainey is ass cheeks now. He can't even pitch in a blowout. | 17-17 | |
| 20 | D-Backs | -2 | The Diamondbacks had another bad week, dropping three-game series to both the Dodgers and the Padres. The offense is anemic on nights it's not scoring over 10 runs and the bullpen remains inexplicably bad no matter who is put in or taken out of it. The good news is the team is starting to get healthy, but it may be too big of a hole for the snakes to slither out of. | 15-20 | |
| 21 | Blue Jays | -4 | Remember that scene in Dumb and Dumber where the hitman thinks he's pulled one over on Lloyd and Harry, but instead he dies because they put hot peppers in his burger as a joke and then accidentally feed him a shit-ton of rat poison? That's the Blue Jays stellar rotation trying to survive in spite of our offense and bullpen right now. Toronto ranks 23rd in runs scored, with 4 of our most important hitters (Vlad, Bo, Springer, Kirk) having career-worst starts to a season. Our bullpen ranks 30th in ERA, 23rd in WHIP, 27th in Ks, and 26th in earned runs given up. This is one of last season's league-best bullpens that returned nearly every piece, btw. Even Sunday's game, where Alek Manoah looked actually serviceable for a few innings and Vladdy hit a grand slam, wound up as a 11-8 loss to cap another lost series. Anyone have any answers? Well, pick 'em up! MOCK! YEAH! ING! YEAH! BIRD! YEAH! | 16-19 | |
| 22 | Athletics | +5 | Bullpen fell off but offense heated up, so only one L (3-12 blowout to the Arraez-less Marlins) with an easy schedule, though we did score 20. Next up, Rangers and Mariners, and will probably drop from contention, but sending Noda and Allen down (along with Boyle soon 🙏) will help that | 17-18 | |
| 23 | Pirates | -1 | The Bucs closed out the week with back-to-back wins, but had lost 5 in a row before that — and scoring runs is still a titanic struggle. The front office is apparently trying to instill a three-true-outcomes approach through the organization, but forgot a crucial ingreditent: hitting home runs. Instead, Pirate hitters either strike out, walk, or hit weak fly balls. The results have been predictably terrible, and if the Pirates can't fix it soon, it's not going to matter when Paul Skenes debuts (it will probably be Friday) | 16-19 | |
| 24 | Astros | -1 | Signs of life - possibly even without playing all our games at high altitude! Jon Singleton has been a bit of a bright spot at first base with Jose Abreu graciously accepting a minor league assignment to work on his play. It's too early to entirely call us alive (see Saturday's shutout as evidence), but there is A New Hope that we might be turning things around. | 12-22 | |
| 25 | Giants | -4 | This hasn't been a particularly fun road trip and I would like it to stop. Losing games, losing players, losing the will to live. Okay, that's enough doom. This | 15-20 | |
| 26 | Cardinals | -1 | They're partying like it's 2023 in St. Louis as they lose back to back series to the Tigers and White Sox halting any momentum that seemed to have existed for this club. The schedule doesn't exactly relent this week as they host the Mets and then head to Milwaukee for 4. | 15-19 | |
| 27 | Angels | -1 | Mike Trout's latest injury comes at an inopportune time. Not because this team was going anywhere—no, this team's fate was sealed long ago—but it was nice to at least have one watchable and fun thing. Now this team is down to...well...I am not exactly sure. At risk of jinxing any other performances after Reid Detmers, now with an ERA over 4, and Jo Adell, 3 for his last 27, and of course Mike Trout, out for an uncertain length of time, I'll stick with pointing out the futlity of it all for this week. | 12-22 | |
| 28 | Marlins | +1 | So long Lucho, well miss you. The return for Arraez seems a bit light given the fact that we had to pay some of his contract but that largely hinges on whether Head will end up being good (hehe). Rumors are that Jazz will be moved next, but well see how that goes. Thank god the Panthers are whippin ass this season cuz the fish are just tragic this year. That being said we got some good news on luzardo and braxton, theyre doing well on their rehab assignments and will be rejoining the team soon. Burger will also be joining us in the near future but hes still got some rehab assignmtents to work through before that happens. Our first series win of the season was also a sweep! The fish continue to be the better 93 expansion team compared to the rox. Sweepy bays for blood. This week we got 3 in LA against the trolley bois and then we head back home for a 3 game series against the phillies. | 10-26 | |
| 29 | White Sox | +1 | The White Sox are at the bottom of the league in wRC+ and have the third worst ERA in the league. They are 5-5 in their last 10 games (thanks to a 3 game sweep of the Rays the previous weekend), but there is still no optimism for any part of this organization. The most interesting thing that happened this week was when there was a 3 hour rain delay with 1 out to go in the 10th inning and then there was a horrible called third strike on the first batter after the delay. I got bored just writing that. | 8-26 | |
| 30 | Rockies | -2 | On Friday, we won a game while never trailing for the first time all season. We promptly lost the next two. All you can do is laugh. | 8-26 |
2024.05.06 18:21 chucklebot3000 People woukd have like the BOS more if they had better swag
Their jumpsuits are a hideous shade of orange, their combat armor paint is a dull, boring greenish-gray, and their power armor paint is covered in rust, which is something no real self-respecting military would allow.
Proctor ingram's power armor is a cool world building detail that show's power Armor's capability to carry a handicapped soldier, but the power armor frames are ugly as sin as well. They look like they are made of some kind of recycled plastic instead of a heavy duty steel frame.
Disabled people don't use their prosthetics all the time, as they are often pretty uncomfortable after a few hours use. The power armor frame likely gets hot and itchy after a day's work of repairing the BOS's gear, so it would have been cool to have an animation where ingram exits her armor and into a wheelchair that would have likely been more comfortable for her.
Another cool detail would have been if ingram painted the armor frame to better suit her tastes, if only to show that she had fashion sense and personality more than "I fix things, and am mildly annoyed about how incompetent my faction is".
The lancer's bomber jackets are cool, but you have to pickpocket them, or murder a lancer to obtain them.
Maxon's battlecoat is amazing, but you have to (again) kill the guy to wear it. Pickpocketing isn't an option.
The BOS has some jumpsuits that come in black, or olive, but you can't buy those either. Once again, you have to steal them.
If the BOS had replaced the orange with the good old crimson and black of the recon armor, then it would be a different conversation, but I think that Bethesda wanted to avoid the faction displaying too villainous of a face, so they chose something that looked a little less "army of evil" to show the players.
That being said, I love the BOS's fashion in the TV series. The costume design for that show was friggin' awesome.
submitted by chucklebot3000 to Fallout [link] [comments]
Proctor ingram's power armor is a cool world building detail that show's power Armor's capability to carry a handicapped soldier, but the power armor frames are ugly as sin as well. They look like they are made of some kind of recycled plastic instead of a heavy duty steel frame.
Disabled people don't use their prosthetics all the time, as they are often pretty uncomfortable after a few hours use. The power armor frame likely gets hot and itchy after a day's work of repairing the BOS's gear, so it would have been cool to have an animation where ingram exits her armor and into a wheelchair that would have likely been more comfortable for her.
Another cool detail would have been if ingram painted the armor frame to better suit her tastes, if only to show that she had fashion sense and personality more than "I fix things, and am mildly annoyed about how incompetent my faction is".
The lancer's bomber jackets are cool, but you have to pickpocket them, or murder a lancer to obtain them.
Maxon's battlecoat is amazing, but you have to (again) kill the guy to wear it. Pickpocketing isn't an option.
The BOS has some jumpsuits that come in black, or olive, but you can't buy those either. Once again, you have to steal them.
If the BOS had replaced the orange with the good old crimson and black of the recon armor, then it would be a different conversation, but I think that Bethesda wanted to avoid the faction displaying too villainous of a face, so they chose something that looked a little less "army of evil" to show the players.
That being said, I love the BOS's fashion in the TV series. The costume design for that show was friggin' awesome.
2024.05.04 09:58 WWE_Network_Bot This Day in History: 05/04/2024
The following events happened on this day in history!
submitted by WWE_Network_Bot to wwe_network [link] [comments]
- 05/04/1985 - Mid-South Wrestling - Mid-South Wrestling S1985E18
- 05/04/1987 - Prime Time Wrestling - Prime Time Wrestling S1987E18
- 05/04/1993 - ECW Hardcore TV - ECW Hardcore TV S1993E5
- 05/04/1998 - Raw - Raw S1998E18
- 05/04/1998 - WCW Monday Nitro - WCW Monday Nitro S1998E18
- 05/04/2000 - SmackDown - SmackDown S2000E18
- 05/04/2002 - Insurrextion - Insurrextion UK 2002 S2002E1
- 05/04/2007 - SmackDown - SmackDown S2007E18
- 05/04/2009 - Raw - Raw S2009E18
- 05/04/2010 - WWE NXT - WWE NXT S2010E11
- 05/04/2011 - Tough Enough - Not Cutting Time S5E6
- 05/04/2012 - SmackDown - SmackDown S2012E18
- 05/04/2014 - Total Divas - Flirting With Fandango S2E7
- 05/04/2014 - WWE Extreme Rules - WWE Extreme Rules 2014 S2014E1
- 05/04/2014 - WWE Extreme Rules - WWE Extreme Rules 2014 Fallout
- 05/04/2014 - WWE Extreme Rules - WWE Extreme Rules 2014 Kickoff Show
- 05/04/2015 - Raw - Raw S2015E18
- 05/04/2015 - Raw - Raw Pre-Show
- 05/04/2015 - WWE 24 - Roman Reigns: Never Alone S2015E3
- 05/04/2015 - Too Hot for TV Presented by Jerry Springer - The Best of the Bizarre S1E3
- 05/04/2016 - Main Event - Main Event S2016E18
- 05/04/2016 - Table For 3 - WWE Family S2E2
- 05/04/2016 - WWE Main Event - WWE Main Event S2016E18
- 05/04/2016 - WWE NXT - WWE NXT S2016E19
- 05/04/2016 - WWE List This! - 7 Superstars Who Lost Their WWE Debut Match S2016E3
- 05/04/2016 - WWE NXT - Is No Way Jose having too much fun?: WWE.com Exclu
- 05/04/2016 - WWE Top 10 - Top 10 Raw moments: May 2, 2016 S2016E52
- 05/04/2016 - WWE Now - WWE Superstars React to Enzo Amores Injury S2016E5
- 05/04/2017 - Main Event - Main Event S2017E18
- 05/04/2017 - WWE Main Event - WWE Main Event S2017E18
- 05/04/2017 - WWE Now - Jericho Says Goodbye to WWE Universe ... For Now S2017E38
- 05/04/2018 - WWE List This! - 5 Things You Didnt Know About Bobby Lashley S2018E16
- 05/04/2018 - WWE Now - Analysis of Titus Greatest Royal Rumble Fall S2018E101
- 05/04/2018 - WWE Network Pick of the Week - Strowman shows the world what these hands can do S2018E17
- 05/04/2019 - WWE Top 10 - Superstars Caught on Camera S2019E70
- 05/04/2020 - The Best of WWE - The Best Raw Matches of the Decade S2020E22
- 05/04/2020 - WWE Now - 4 Things You Need to Know Before Tonight s Raw S2020E75
- 05/04/2020 - Raw - Raw S2020E18
- 05/04/2020 - Raw - Will AJ Styles become Mr. Money in the Bank?
- 05/04/2020 - Raw - Drew on the importance of defeating Seth
- 05/04/2020 - Raw - Exclusive: MVP, Thorne & Vink demand respect
- 05/04/2021 - The Best of WWE - Best of Braun Strowman S2021E19
- 05/04/2021 - WWE Top 10 - Top 10 Raw Moments: May 3, 2021 2021
- 05/04/2021 - WWE NXT - WWE NXT S2021E20
- 05/04/2021 - WWE NXT - Theory talks The Way, his love of horror and more
- 05/04/2021 - WWE NXT - No laughing matter for Grizzled Young Veterans
- 05/04/2021 - WWE NXT - The Way celebrate Candice & Indi s victory
- 05/04/2021 - WWE NXT - Blackheart & Moon embrace after grueling loss
- 05/04/2021 - Raw - Lana & Naomi are tired a 3-on-2 disadvantage
- 05/04/2022 - WWEs The Bump - May 4, 2022 S2022E22
- 05/04/2022 - WWE Top 10 - Top 10 NXT 2.0 Moments: May 3, 2022 2022
- 05/04/2023 - This Week In WWE - May 04, 2023 S2023E18
- 05/04/2023 - WWE Main Event - WWE Main Event S2023E18
2024.04.30 17:40 Wings_of_Darkness The Alien Siege at Fletcher Farmhouse
After spotting what appears to be a UFO, a family ends up besieged in their farmhouse by what seems to be hostile aliens
Clive stared out into the absolute darkness that surrounded the farmhouse, the thick trees of the woods forming long waving black fingers. Leaning against the wooden fence, he took a deep breath of the cold night air.
“Something on your mind?” The voice of his brother only added more weight on the memories dancing through his mind. Richard was taller than Clive as he’d always been, and his tanned, sun-baked skin made him look damn near thirty years older. He gripped little Abigail’s hand in his own, the two making their way down from the dimly lit porch and onto the dirt road where Clive stood.
“Just thinking. ‘Bout the past.” Clive sighed. “How this used to be Henderson Farmhouse. I remember when we would come down here to play as kids. You threw a rock at me.” Clive ran a finger on the long, faded scar down his left cheek.
“Dad, you threw a rock at Uncle Clive?” Little six-year-old Abigail said in an awed voice.
“We were kids, and we had to entertain ourselves somehow. We didn’t have TV back then like we do now, you know.”
“It hurt like s-…a lot.” Clive caught the word in his throat, avoiding Richard’s death glare. In his brother’s eyes, cussing around Abigail was a sin tantamount to murder.
“The past is the past.” Richard cleared his throat. “Why don’t you go back in, Abigail? Go do your drawings before I put you to bed.”
“Aw. I want to hear about throwing rocks.”
“Abigail.”
“Okay, okay dad.” Abigail gave them a cheeky smile and skipped back up the path and into the old farmhouse that was now covered in a worn coat of red paint.
“It’s almost crazy how this is Fletcher Farmhouse now.” Clive said.
“Crazy?”
“That ol’ Robbie Henderson lost his mind and we got to buy this place on the cheap. We’d have run out of money if not for that. Then what would have happened to us? To Abigail?”
“It’s all God’s plan.” Richard slapped him on the shoulder.
“I saw Robbie the other day too. He was outside Mac’s Diner.”
“Still rambling about owls?”
“He managed to catch some nosy journos from out of town on his hook. Started ranting to them about the dumb birds and the farmhouse. I hope he doesn’t come looking for trouble since we took over his spot.”
“Nah. He’s terrified of this spot. Never seen him come within a few miles.”
“Good for us, at least.”
“God’s plan. Don’t come in too late.” Richard squeezed his shoulder and walked back up to the farmhouse, leaving Clive alone with his thoughts once more. He listened to the crickets chirping, the owls hooting, the wind rustling through the leaves, and he stared up at the starlit sky.
Would’ve been better with a bottle of bourbon but their mother hated that stuff. Not a drop of alcohol to be found anywhere in their home.
He took in the cold, calm night for a few minutes more and was about to head back in when a strange high-pitched drone found its way to his ears.
Confused, Clive spun his head on a swivel left and right, up and down, trying to locate the source of the sound. Just as suddenly, a bright object, surrounded by a dazzling green streak of light shot past overhead.
Mouth agape, Clive watched as it flew past the farmland edge and into the woods. And then – a loud thud and the sound of snapping trees.
“No goddamn way.” His legs sprung into action, carrying him to the workshed where he seized his hands round a heavy-duty flashlight. Pulling his coat tight around him, he scrambled down the dirt path and hopped the fence into the woods.
Jogging through the woods, guided only by the cone of light surrounded by pitch darkness, Clive hopped over fallen logs and stumbled on scraggly roots, yet he never thought to slow down for a second.
His heart was thudding against his ribs in sheer excitement. It was one of those UFOs, he was sure of it! He’d seen the reports on TV, read about them in magazines. He couldn’t believe his sheer luck that one just showed up on his doorstep. Now he could get a good look at the saucers and the little grey men before the cops got there to cover it all up for the government bigwigs.
As he paused for a second to catch his breath, his vision caught onto a faint green light coming from his right, cutting through the black shadows cast by the tree canopies. Clive’s lips curled into a faint smile as he hurried that way. The light grew brighter and sharper as he drew closer, and after tripping over his hundredth loose stone, he skidded to a stop near the edge of a ‘clearing’. The false clearing had been formed from the toppling of several trees, their trunks broken apart and their branches snapped asunder on the forest ground.
Sat in the middle of it all was a blinding green glow, so bright it hurt to look at. He was sure it was surrounding some sort of UFO, but even peeking through his fingers he couldn’t see a damn thing past the light.
Cursing the glaring radiance, Clive moved along the edge of the clearing, trying to get a better look from another angle. Were strange big-eyed men about to emerge from within? He could hardly control his breathing in sheer anticipation. He took a few more steps and his foot landed awkwardly on a large rock. Nearly tripping, he let out a cuss under his breath and kicked it away. The offending stone sailed through the air, fell into the green glow, and met whatever was inside with a loud metallic clang.
Clive froze, looking with squinted eyes and bated breath at what he was absolutely certain was some sort of spacecraft.
Then the light intensified in his direction, and the UFO made an unholy, deafening screech, and all of Clive’s courage and excitement drained away in a second. He turned tail and fled in the opposite direction immediately.
Running in rough approximation of the farmhouse’s direction, Clive noticed the glow only brightening, almost like a spotlight. He fought off his rising panic, barely avoiding colliding full force with tree trunks.
Suddenly, something seized onto his collar from behind. Clive screamed, whipping around and swinging his heavy flashlight like a club. The assailant released its grip immediately, and Clive followed it up with the flashlight beam to reveal nothing but a pissed-off great horned owl settling in the tree branches above, screeching menacingly at him.
“Scram!” He shouted at it before the sight of the glow had him turning and running once more.
Clive kept at a full sprint out of the forest, up the dirt path, and all the way into the house, nearly slamming the front door of its hinges and giving his sister Irene the fright of her life.
“Jesus, Clive, is a tiger on your ass or something?” Irene said as she tried to recover.
“You’ve been out for a while, I was just about to go out to ask what was taking you so long.” Richard said, getting up from the couch and walking over to the out-of-breath Clive as he shot a glare at Irene. “What’s wrong?”
Clive damn near collapsed into the tattered armchair closest to the door, trying to control his panting. Irene shook her head and walked off into the kitchen, while Richard stayed by his side, arms crossed.
“Hope you didn’t wake mom up, or she’ll take our heads off.” He said, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for any signs of her wrath.
“It’s…it’s…” Clive tried to speak, but his heart and breathing felt like they were spiralling completely out of control. His senses felt completely overtuned and he could probably hear every damn sound in the farmhouse.
“Do we have to wake the farmhands?” Irene came back in with a glass of water, which Clive took in his jittery hands.
“I…I saw…in the air…” He tried. Irene rolled her eyes and turned to walk away.
Scratch scratch scratch. Scratch scratch scratch scratch.
“D-do you hear that?” Clive jolted up from his seat, alarm bells sounding in his head.
“It’s from the roof, I think.” Irene said.
“It’s just an owl. They do that stuff from time to time. Abigail says it helps her sleep.” Richard chuckled to himself.
“No, no it’s not,” Clive’s eyes darted to the front door, then to the two windows in the living room, “it’s something that followed me back.”
“Clive, come on,” Richard sighed.
Scratch scratch scratch.
“Richard, trust me. I-I ran out into the woods…saw something I shouldn’t. Now it’s tailed me back here.”
“...is this about the alien stuff you’ve been reading again?” Irene pinched the bridge of her nose.
“I’m serious. It’s not an owl, whatever it is.”
Scratch scratch scratch scratch.
“Look, I’ll go out and shoo it off. You need to calm down.” Richard walked to the front door.
“No!” Clive rushed ahead of him and blocked it with his body. “Just trust me on this.”
His taller brother gripped him on his shoulder with surprising force. “Alright, that’s enough, Clive. You come out with me, and we can stop this charade of yours.”
With that, Richard yanked Clive away from the door and pulled it open with his other hand in one swift motion. He pulled Clive’s reluctant body alongside him until they were off the porch.
Scratch scratch.
Clive looked up, but the roof was engulfed in darkness and he could see nothing. Only the light from the shut windows of his mother’s upstairs bedroom provided a small bit of illumination. Richard bent down, picked up a snapped branch, and chucked it blindly into the roof.
Clive flinched when out of the darkness came the flapping wings of an owl as it flew silently away into the trees.
“See? Just an owl, now knock it off.” Richard slapped him on the back.
Clive let out a deep breath of relief. Had he been overthinking things? He glanced back into the woods, but from this distance there was no spotting the green glow.
Clive found himself numbly following Richard back into the farmhouse and up the stairs, sucking in deep breaths as he tried to calm down. His brother made his way to Abigail’s door and turned the knob.
Inside the colourful room filled with pink sheets and colourful foam, Abigail lay on her tummy, scribbling away on papers with her crayons.
“It’s time for bed, Abigail.”
“Aw, but I’m not done yet with my drawing.” She kicked her legs back and forth with a pouting expression.
“You can continue tomorrow, sweetheart.”
“Mom would have let me finish.” She mumbled.
“What was that?”
“I said, can I show Uncle Clive what I’ve done so far?” She rolled up into a sitting position.
“Why not show me?” Richard asked in a teasing voice.
“No, you can only see when I’m done, or you’ll call it ugly. I can only show Uncle Clive and grandma if I’m not done.”
“What about me?” Irene’s voice shouted from downstairs.
Abigail silently shook her head so hard her hair came flying round to cover the front of her face.
“Alright, you can show me the drawing. Privately.” Clive whispered the last word, getting a giggle from Abigail and an eye roll from Richard, who nonetheless turned his back to the room.
Abigail motioned for him to come closer, and so Clive lowered himself onto his knees next to her. With a mischievous smile on her face, she flipped the piece of paper she had been hiding around, and the sight caused the man to flinch immediately.
Drawn in thick and messy black and brown crayon was a simplified owl, with gigantic sunken pools of black for eyes that seemed to drip out over the eye sockets. Its ear tufts seemed to curve and stretch like devil horns.
“Do you like it?” Abigail looked directly into his eyes in anticipation.
“Why did you draw this?” He whispered back.
“It was standing at my window, watching me. It looked cute so I drew it.”
Clive followed her pointing crayon to the open window, beyond it a view of the shadowy night. There was no owl in sight, but he could just barely pick up the hooting calls in the distance.
“Just tonight?”
“Huh? Sometimes in the past few years.” She shrugged.
“Well alright, but let’s shut your windows and get ready for bed alright?” Clive waved Richard in while he got up and shut the windows tight, making sure to lock them and draw the curtains.
Clive found himself waiting out in the hallway, lost in thought while Richard finished getting Abigail ready for bed and tucked her in for the night. He knew the great horned owls could be dicks when it came to territory, but perhaps this was something more. After all, a great big and bright UFO had crashed into the forest. Perhaps this had driven the owls towards the farmhouse and made them act weirdly. But that still didn't explain what Abigail said.
His thoughts were dashed by Irene appearing before him with another glass of water in hand.
“Mom hasn’t taken her pills for tonight.” She said, gesturing at the door at the end of the hallway.
“She’s probably still asleep.” Clive shrugged.
“Yeah, I’m going to have to wake her up.” Irene’s expression turned grim.
“Oh boy.” He gulped. “I’ll be downstairs then. Under a table.”
“Jerk.”
Clive couldn’t wipe the grin off his face as he walked to the stairs. He was two steps down when Irene screamed, followed by the sound of shattering glass. He spun around and ran right into his mother’s room, where a terrified Irene met him.
Clive felt his blood freeze in his veins at the sight of his mother. She was sat in her favourite old armchair, unmoving. Long deep claw marks shredded her face into a gory mess, blood pouring down from her wounds and soaking her clothes through in a dark red. He couldn’t move, rooted to the spot until Richard stormed in behind him.
“Mom! No!” He let out a ragged howl and rushed towards her lifeless corpse. Clive felt energy surge through his limbs again and he rushed to the open window. Mom never left the window open at night, one of her superstitions. They weren’t forced open, the lock wasn’t broken. Someone had pulled them open from the outside and gotten in. He looked around, and his eyes caught onto a grey feather on the windowsill. He reached out for it, but a gust of wind rushed in and then out, sweeping it away from his outstretched fingers and into the darkness.
“Irene! Go drive and get the cops!” Richard snatched his car keys from his pocket and chucked them at her. Irene stood trembling on the spot, the keys hitting her on the arm and dropping to the floor. Then she took a deep breath, nodded, and fumbled for the keys on the rug before rushing out.
“She’s dead. Someone killed her. I swear to God, if I catch the bastard…”
“Richard, someone opened the window from the outside.”
“Abigail!” He shot up to his feet.
“I locked her window, don’t worry.” Clive said. Down below, he heard the front door open and saw Irene’s silhouette run into the darkness at a frantic pace. He eyes traced where the dirt path led down to the old road before latching on to the cone of light that flickered on in Irene’s grip.
About halfway down to the car, she screamed.
“Irene?!” Clive called out. Richard rushed over to the window beside him.
The flashlight beam began to wildly trash as she continued screaming at the top of her lungs. The light cut through the darkness erratically, allowing the two of them brief glimpses of dozens of feathered wings and outstretched talons.
“No fucking way.” Richard turned and rushed out of the room, Clive following close behind. He slammed his own door open and pulled a shotgun from his wardrobe. Clive got into his own room and snatched his hunting rifle from the wall rack. As they met in the hallway, little Abigail poked her head out from her door.
“Dad? What’s that screaming? I-I’m scared…”
“Stay in your room, sweetheart.”
“But…”
“Now!” Richard yelled, his voice echoing through the home. He rushed down the stairs two at a time, Clive close behind. The older brother fished his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the front door, leaving his keys in the lock as he swung open the door and stormed out on the porch. Under the dim porch light, Richard began to yell at the site of the attack. Irene’s screams had turned to agonised moans, the flashlight now slowly rolling on the ground and casting the greyish dull shadows of flapping wings onto the farmhouse walls.
Clive took aim at the rough location and fired a shot, the loud crack of gunfire sending a few owls scattering. Richard stepped out from the porch and began hurrying into the darkness with the shotgun in hand.
“Uncle Clive, what’s happening?” Abigail’s shaky voice came from beside him. Clive looked down, seeing his niece with a plush hugged tightly to her chest, tears brimming in her eyes.
“Abigail, go back inside, please.”
Suddenly, Richard began yelling in panic too. His shotgun fired into the air with a loud blast. The brief flash of light momentarily revealed two owls raking their talons against his eyes.
“Is dad being attacked? Dad?” She charged out past his legs onto the porch.
“Abigail, no!”
Clive reached out to grab at her, but she slipped free from him. The thuds of something landing on the porch roof seized his attention for the moment.
“Abigail, it’s not safe. There’s something on the-” He hadn’t finished when sharp talons reached in from the overhang and crushed the porch light, plunging them into darkness.
“Abigail!” He fumbled in her direction, barely able to see her silhouette from the living room light. Another shotgun blast from Richard. And then something swooped down from the porch roof and seized the young girl by the hair.
She let out a cry of terror as it yanked violently at her. Clive raised his gun and shot above her head, causing the bird to let go and fly up out of sight. Hisses and high-pitched shrieks rang out in unison from the porch roof, and Clive raised his gun and fired a shot through the roof. He couldn’t hear them flap their wings, but the screeches faded into the distance.
Clive stepped out the porch and gripped Abigail tightly by the arm. She whimpered as he pulled her back in towards the porch. Sharp claws then dug into his forehead and drew a yell of pain from him. He batted at the assailant with his rifle, causing it to release its grip.
“Get back!” He demanded into the shadowy night before firing a shot overhead.
Thudding footsteps drew closer, and Richard emerged from the darkness, face soaked in blood. He grabbed both Abigail and Clive and practically shoved them up the porch and into the house. He slammed the front door shut and turned his keys in the lock.
The house was silent save for their frantic breathing.
An owl slammed into the door, clawing at the wood. Richard took a step back and fired his shotgun, punching a splinter-lined hole through the door and sending the bird of prey fleeing.
Clive’s ears were ringing from the deafening gunshot, but he got up to his feet and looked around. An owl emerged silently from the darkness and began to grip at one of the handles of the window. Clive yelled out and fired his rifle, punching through the glass and chasing the owl away. He rubbed his ears, desperately trying to get his hearing back.
He could hear rustling from the next room. He rushed into the kitchen. Two owls pounded at a half-open window. They hissed at him. He responded with a shot from his rifle, sending them flapping quietly into the night. Clive ran over and slammed the windows shut, locking them.
His mom’s windows!
Clive rushed up the stairs, nearly tripping several times. More gunfire rang out from below him. He kicked the door open and rushed in past his mother’s bloodied body. A horned owl sat on the open windowsill, staring deeply at him.
He raised his gun without hesitation.
The owl’s beak stretched open, further than he thought possible. It let out an unholy scream, one he swore was more human than owl. Its eyes seemed to fall away into deep dark voids.
He pulled the trigger, and the owl leapt from the window in a flash. He rushed over and pulled them closed.
“What the fuck was that?” He mumbled to himself.
After checking every room, he descended the steps once more to the living room, where he found Richard hurriedly reloading his shotgun, blood dripping onto the coffee table. Abigail sat curled up and trembling on the couch, hugging her toy rabbit.
“They’re coming for the windows. You can’t hear them flying or see them until they’re right there.” Richard was yelling above his own ringing ears.
“I’ve locked the ones upstairs. They’re pulling them open otherwise.”
“Owls can’t do that.” Richard stared at him, but Clive could tell from his look that he was doubting himself.
“They’re not owls. I saw one of them on mom’s windows. They’re…” He took a deep breath, “they’re aliens.”
“Clive.”
“That one was screaming. They’re aliens wrapped up in a feathery suit or some shit like that.” Clive looked around, peeking into the other rooms as he talked. Not a sign of a bird. “We could have chased them off.”
“But we’re trapped. We can’t go outside. Bastards have perfect night vision. We’re sitting ducks out there.” Richard pulled a handkerchief out and wiped the blood from his face. Deep gashes from the cruel talons lined his forehead and eyebrows. One sliced halfway through his right eyelid. “We have to stay here and wait for day.”
“But Irene…”
“Irene’s dead.” Richard sighed, stopping his reload for a moment, “and if she isn’t then there’s nothing we can do for her.”
“You were the one who sent her out there.” Clive gripped his rifle until his knuckles went white.
“And you were the one who said something followed you back here!” Richard snapped back, pounding a fist on the table.
“Stop it!” Abigail yelled, standing up on the sofa and tossing her plush toy at Clive, who hurriedly caught it in one hand. “Stop fighting!”
Richard and Clive stared at each other, then at her guiltily. Richard resumed his reloading.
“Sorry, Abigail.” Clive said, tossing the toy back to her.
“Yeah, sorry. Clive, I’m not risking Abigail’s life going out there.”
“We should have gotten that landline installed.”
“Yeah well, maybe if they weren’t attempting daylight robbery with those prices.” Richard sighed.
Clive put a hand on his belt and felt nothing. He quickly looked down, finding nothing attached to his belt clip.
“My keys!”
“Your keys?”
“They must have fallen out on the porch in the chaos.” He walked over to the front door and peeked through the shotgun hole. It was too dark on the porch to see anything.
“Forget it, it’s not worth the risk,” Richard said, “get back from the door.”
“I could grab it in one second.” Clive said. He leaned in closer, trying to spot it, but his own head was blocking any light filtering through the hole.
He saw the shadow just a split second before the owl pressed itself against the door and jammed its talons through the opening at Clive’s eyeball. He fell back on his ass just in time, feeling the claws nick at his eyelashes. He pulled the trigger and blasted another hole through the wood. The lack of a thud told him he had missed again. Richard grabbed him by the collar and dragged him back to the centre of the living room.
“Don’t go near the doors and windows. You too, Abigail. Just sit here and wait, okay?” She nodded.
“If you see them come near, then-” Clive saw the brief flutter of wings at the second living room window midway through Richard’s line. Richard immediately raised his shotgun and fired, shattering the window and sending it off.
“Then do that.” He finished.
“You’re going to have to sit here and watch this the whole time then.” Clive raised an eyebrow.
“Help me get the dining table, we’ll block this off.”
Clive had just finished his dozenth patrol of the upper floor. He made his way back to the living room, where Richard was sitting on the couch, one arm around Abigail and the other around his shotgun.
He couldn’t understand how Richard could sit and wait, when the owl-things could return at any moment. They had in fact tried a few times when Clive had accidentally gotten a little too close to a window, but they fled unscathed when met with a rifle round.
“Nothing this time.” He said. Richard nodded, running his fingers through an exhausted Abigail’s hair.
“We just have to wait five more hours.” Clive said. Did they even have enough ammo for that?
“We’ll make it as long as we stay here. One step into darkness and it could be over with those cursed owls.”
Clive grinded his teeth together as he sat down in the armchair, stretching his legs. Beyond the window to his right, he could hear loud hooting echoing through the air. Then some more, and then more, until it was an entire boisterous choir of owls sounding out in the dark.
“Where are they?” Richard sat up straight. Clive kept an ear out.
“Southwest of the house?”
“Could we take a shot?”
Clive got to his feet, manoeuvring around to the right window in the kitchen, making sure to stay several feet from the glass. He squinted, but he could just barely make out the shapes in the pale starlight. Several dozen owls had gathered, seemingly balanced on thin air before it clicked in Clive’s head.
“They’re all bunched up on the power lines.”
“What for?” Richard asked from the living room.
“I don’t know.” He kept an eye on them, aiming his rifle into the group, trying to line up a silhouette. “I think I can take a shot.”
“Careful.”
He took a deep breath and pressed his finger against the trigger.
A blinding light, almost like the Sun, burnt itself into his vision. He cried out, covering his eyes. It was followed immediately by a loud snapping noise, like the cracking of a whip, and the house plunged into abyssal darkness.
“Oh fuck.” He heard Richard say.
Clive rushed over to the living room, stumbling over a corner. Afterimages swam in the darkness of his vision. All around, he heard the sounds of the owl-things landing on the roof of the house.
“Richard.” He whispered, sticking one free hand out to fumble about. He felt his hand close around Richard’s own and he pulled them together.
“Dad?” Abigail’s voice came from beside them.
“Shh, just stay quiet, sweetheart. Clive, hide now.”
“Hide where? They can see us in the dark.”
“Abigail’s room.” The three of them blindly stumbled around, slowly making their way to the steps and climbing up, trying to make as little sound as possible. The soft hooting from the owls outside surrounded the entire house.
Clive heard the jingling of keys from the porch. He held his breath and stopped moving. Richard nudged him onwards.
The sound of the key sliding into the lock. The click of turning locks. And then the slow squeak of the doorknob being turned. The door being pushed open.
That wasn’t possible. The owls couldn’t have done that. They have no fingers, for God’s sake!
All three of them nearly fell when they reached the top of the stairs and tried to take another step up. Clive tried to breathe as softly as possible. He heard the light taps of talons on the wooden floor of the living room.
He reached a hand out, blindly fumbling on the wall before gripping on to Abigail’s doorknob. He wanted to pull the flashlight out, but that could be suicide.
Once inside, he shut the door.
“Abigail, go under the bed with Uncle Clive.”
“No, dad. I wanna stay with you.” She whispered.
“Richard…”
“Shh. Do as I say.” Clive heard Richard grab something from Abigail’s nightstand. “When you hear the signal, get out however you can and towards your car. You still have your car keys?”
Clive reached into his breast pocket, feeling the familiar metal in his hand. “Yeah.”
“I’ll meet you there. Take care of Abigail.”
“Richard, it’s too dangerous.”
“Just do as I say!” He said in a hushed angry tone. “Be good, sweetheart, and be quiet.”
“Dad, no…”
Clive heard Richard kiss Abigail on the forehead, and then open the bedroom door and tiptoe out. Clive quietly shut it behind him. He grabbed Abigail’s blanket off the bed.
“Abigail, get under the bed.” The young girl wordlessly obeyed, and Clive lay down and dragged himself under the bed, pressing up against Abigail. He pulled the blanket in with them and used it to block as much as he could of them from sight.
“Be very quiet.” He whispered. The two lay chest-down under there. Clive tried to listen, but he couldn’t hear anything. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness, but the blanket blocked any view from them to the rest of the room.
The doorknob to Abigail’s room turned slowly.
Clive tried to control his breathing. Every time he inhaled, he felt his back dig into the wooden bedframe above. He broke out into a cold sweat and it all seemed to start pooling around his face. He could barely move a limb. He was squeezing Abigail’s hand, trying to keep her quiet.
The door creaked open. Tiny footsteps entered past the doorframe. Then silence. And then he felt something, no, somethings, land on the bed. They were so perfectly silent when they flew. Clive wondered how many of them were in the room. He tried to lift his head a little, but it immediately ground up against the bedframe.
The owls on the bed started ripping up the mattress. They made quiet hisses as each talon tore through the cloth with a ripping noise.
Clive heard one owl land at the bedside. It walked in and pecked at the bedsheet. He held his breath and he felt Abigail press her face into his arm to hide her noises too.
He stared at the blanket. The pecking stopped. And then the owl gripped onto the blanket and crumpled it with a fist. Clive felt his heart beating, his lungs burning, begging for air, but he refused to breathe.
RIIIIINGGG!!!!
It took all of Clive’s effort not to let out a scream as the shrill racket of Abigail’s alarm clock echoed through the house from his mom’s room down the hallway. The owl-thing unclenched the blanket and seemingly took flight, as did all the others on the bed.
That must’ve been the signal Richard meant. Taking a needy deep breath of air, he kicked the blanket out and slithered his way out from under the bed, pulling Abigail along. He thought for a split second and hefted his young niece into his arms as he hurried down the steps, hoping the loud noise would hide his own footfalls. He couldn’t afford to sneak; they could spot him with a glance.
Clive reached the bottom of the steps, rushed through the living room, and out onto the porch, stabilising himself on the railings. His fingers ran against deep gashes cut into them by talons.
Finally, he was on the dirt road, where he broke into a full sprint. Irene’s flashlight was gone, and he hoped he didn’t trip over her corpse. He ran and ran, shoes pounding against the dirt while his heart threatened to break out of his ribcage. Then he slammed into the metal frame of his car, falling over and dropping Abigail.
His fingers nearly fumbled his car key as he unlocked the old worn Mercedes.
“What about dad?”
“Get in first, Abigail.” He grabbed onto her and roughly shoved her in before plugging the key into the ignition and roaring the car to life.
Clive leaned back out of the car, trying to spot his brother. He heard heavy footfalls and angered screeches, and Richard came barreling out of the darkness. His face looked like someone had taken a knife to it, and he jumped straight into the driver’s seat.
“Get in, now!” He barked. Clive pulled the back door open, when he suddenly felt sharp blades impale into the back of his neck. He cried out, smacking the owl away. The bird then lashed out, clawing at his face. He felt its talons skewer one of his eyes, blurring his vision immediately as he screamed and battered at it with his fists. It stumbled onto the roof of the car.
The owl extended its wings and screamed. Its ear tufts sharpened into horns, and its wings seemed to end in massive misshapen fingers. Clive’s hands moved without him even thinking, and he fired point blank at the bird-thing. It fell from the car and landed beside him. Sparks began to shoot from some invisible device tucked round its ‘waist’. Clive watched, stunned, as its form began to shift. Eyes seemed to erupt from beneath its feathery skin, then pop into non-existence. Its wings were melting between natural and horrific mockery appendages. Its face fell away into black void and from within, it vomited out oily feathers in the dozens.
“Clive!” Richard screamed. Suddenly, more claws raked at him and pounded onto the car, and Clive heard the spinning of tires as his car pulled away down the road without him. He saw the silhouettes chasing after it, but all the while they tore chunks of flesh out of him and peeled his skin off.
Clive was screaming as he ran, plunging into the dark woods. He ran and ran, feeling the owls shredding him as he did. He flung himself through thorny foliage, weaved hard through the trees to lose them. Warm blood poured from his arms and neck. He felt himself getting colder and number, but he pushed on. The brutal talons seemed to let up in the tricky terrain, and Clive found himself free from them, though his wounds howled in agony.
He didn’t care. He ran and ran and ran, stumbling through the darkness, feeling the branches cut into him.
The green glow. He could see the green glow again, pulsing faintly now. He scrambled towards it, sometimes tripping and clambering on all fours. Closer and closer until-
He burst into the false clearing. The pale green glow barely hid the bizarre metallic craft before his eyes. It was vaguely spherical, with all sorts of bits and bobs of mechanical parts on it that he couldn’t describe. Yet two antennae of sorts formed into makeshift ear tufts on the top of the craft.
Clive could hardly breathe. He fell to his knees, feeling strength leaking out of his limbs with all his hot blood. He slumped against a tree, taking in the sight. He could barely see, barely move anymore.
There was hooting around him, the calls of the inexorable birds. Slowly he looked up.
Thousands of owls stared down at him, unmoving. The once-starlit sky only held their unforgiving gaze.
Author's note: IceOriental123 here! Hope you enjoyed this story!
It was inspired by the Kelly Hopkinsville Encounter, where a family was allegedly besieged by aliens in their farmhouse. Skeptics think they were actually dealing with hostile great horned owls, so, inspired, I meshed this with a previous idea I had of all owls actually being aliens, and created this!
You can check out my other stories in my subreddit at this link.
The subreddit's still WIP but the story list in the link is updated.
Thanks for reading!
submitted by Wings_of_Darkness to Odd_directions [link] [comments]
Clive stared out into the absolute darkness that surrounded the farmhouse, the thick trees of the woods forming long waving black fingers. Leaning against the wooden fence, he took a deep breath of the cold night air.
“Something on your mind?” The voice of his brother only added more weight on the memories dancing through his mind. Richard was taller than Clive as he’d always been, and his tanned, sun-baked skin made him look damn near thirty years older. He gripped little Abigail’s hand in his own, the two making their way down from the dimly lit porch and onto the dirt road where Clive stood.
“Just thinking. ‘Bout the past.” Clive sighed. “How this used to be Henderson Farmhouse. I remember when we would come down here to play as kids. You threw a rock at me.” Clive ran a finger on the long, faded scar down his left cheek.
“Dad, you threw a rock at Uncle Clive?” Little six-year-old Abigail said in an awed voice.
“We were kids, and we had to entertain ourselves somehow. We didn’t have TV back then like we do now, you know.”
“It hurt like s-…a lot.” Clive caught the word in his throat, avoiding Richard’s death glare. In his brother’s eyes, cussing around Abigail was a sin tantamount to murder.
“The past is the past.” Richard cleared his throat. “Why don’t you go back in, Abigail? Go do your drawings before I put you to bed.”
“Aw. I want to hear about throwing rocks.”
“Abigail.”
“Okay, okay dad.” Abigail gave them a cheeky smile and skipped back up the path and into the old farmhouse that was now covered in a worn coat of red paint.
“It’s almost crazy how this is Fletcher Farmhouse now.” Clive said.
“Crazy?”
“That ol’ Robbie Henderson lost his mind and we got to buy this place on the cheap. We’d have run out of money if not for that. Then what would have happened to us? To Abigail?”
“It’s all God’s plan.” Richard slapped him on the shoulder.
“I saw Robbie the other day too. He was outside Mac’s Diner.”
“Still rambling about owls?”
“He managed to catch some nosy journos from out of town on his hook. Started ranting to them about the dumb birds and the farmhouse. I hope he doesn’t come looking for trouble since we took over his spot.”
“Nah. He’s terrified of this spot. Never seen him come within a few miles.”
“Good for us, at least.”
“God’s plan. Don’t come in too late.” Richard squeezed his shoulder and walked back up to the farmhouse, leaving Clive alone with his thoughts once more. He listened to the crickets chirping, the owls hooting, the wind rustling through the leaves, and he stared up at the starlit sky.
Would’ve been better with a bottle of bourbon but their mother hated that stuff. Not a drop of alcohol to be found anywhere in their home.
He took in the cold, calm night for a few minutes more and was about to head back in when a strange high-pitched drone found its way to his ears.
Confused, Clive spun his head on a swivel left and right, up and down, trying to locate the source of the sound. Just as suddenly, a bright object, surrounded by a dazzling green streak of light shot past overhead.
Mouth agape, Clive watched as it flew past the farmland edge and into the woods. And then – a loud thud and the sound of snapping trees.
“No goddamn way.” His legs sprung into action, carrying him to the workshed where he seized his hands round a heavy-duty flashlight. Pulling his coat tight around him, he scrambled down the dirt path and hopped the fence into the woods.
Jogging through the woods, guided only by the cone of light surrounded by pitch darkness, Clive hopped over fallen logs and stumbled on scraggly roots, yet he never thought to slow down for a second.
His heart was thudding against his ribs in sheer excitement. It was one of those UFOs, he was sure of it! He’d seen the reports on TV, read about them in magazines. He couldn’t believe his sheer luck that one just showed up on his doorstep. Now he could get a good look at the saucers and the little grey men before the cops got there to cover it all up for the government bigwigs.
As he paused for a second to catch his breath, his vision caught onto a faint green light coming from his right, cutting through the black shadows cast by the tree canopies. Clive’s lips curled into a faint smile as he hurried that way. The light grew brighter and sharper as he drew closer, and after tripping over his hundredth loose stone, he skidded to a stop near the edge of a ‘clearing’. The false clearing had been formed from the toppling of several trees, their trunks broken apart and their branches snapped asunder on the forest ground.
Sat in the middle of it all was a blinding green glow, so bright it hurt to look at. He was sure it was surrounding some sort of UFO, but even peeking through his fingers he couldn’t see a damn thing past the light.
Cursing the glaring radiance, Clive moved along the edge of the clearing, trying to get a better look from another angle. Were strange big-eyed men about to emerge from within? He could hardly control his breathing in sheer anticipation. He took a few more steps and his foot landed awkwardly on a large rock. Nearly tripping, he let out a cuss under his breath and kicked it away. The offending stone sailed through the air, fell into the green glow, and met whatever was inside with a loud metallic clang.
Clive froze, looking with squinted eyes and bated breath at what he was absolutely certain was some sort of spacecraft.
Then the light intensified in his direction, and the UFO made an unholy, deafening screech, and all of Clive’s courage and excitement drained away in a second. He turned tail and fled in the opposite direction immediately.
Running in rough approximation of the farmhouse’s direction, Clive noticed the glow only brightening, almost like a spotlight. He fought off his rising panic, barely avoiding colliding full force with tree trunks.
Suddenly, something seized onto his collar from behind. Clive screamed, whipping around and swinging his heavy flashlight like a club. The assailant released its grip immediately, and Clive followed it up with the flashlight beam to reveal nothing but a pissed-off great horned owl settling in the tree branches above, screeching menacingly at him.
“Scram!” He shouted at it before the sight of the glow had him turning and running once more.
Clive kept at a full sprint out of the forest, up the dirt path, and all the way into the house, nearly slamming the front door of its hinges and giving his sister Irene the fright of her life.
“Jesus, Clive, is a tiger on your ass or something?” Irene said as she tried to recover.
“You’ve been out for a while, I was just about to go out to ask what was taking you so long.” Richard said, getting up from the couch and walking over to the out-of-breath Clive as he shot a glare at Irene. “What’s wrong?”
Clive damn near collapsed into the tattered armchair closest to the door, trying to control his panting. Irene shook her head and walked off into the kitchen, while Richard stayed by his side, arms crossed.
“Hope you didn’t wake mom up, or she’ll take our heads off.” He said, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for any signs of her wrath.
“It’s…it’s…” Clive tried to speak, but his heart and breathing felt like they were spiralling completely out of control. His senses felt completely overtuned and he could probably hear every damn sound in the farmhouse.
“Do we have to wake the farmhands?” Irene came back in with a glass of water, which Clive took in his jittery hands.
“I…I saw…in the air…” He tried. Irene rolled her eyes and turned to walk away.
Scratch scratch scratch. Scratch scratch scratch scratch.
“D-do you hear that?” Clive jolted up from his seat, alarm bells sounding in his head.
“It’s from the roof, I think.” Irene said.
“It’s just an owl. They do that stuff from time to time. Abigail says it helps her sleep.” Richard chuckled to himself.
“No, no it’s not,” Clive’s eyes darted to the front door, then to the two windows in the living room, “it’s something that followed me back.”
“Clive, come on,” Richard sighed.
Scratch scratch scratch.
“Richard, trust me. I-I ran out into the woods…saw something I shouldn’t. Now it’s tailed me back here.”
“...is this about the alien stuff you’ve been reading again?” Irene pinched the bridge of her nose.
“I’m serious. It’s not an owl, whatever it is.”
Scratch scratch scratch scratch.
“Look, I’ll go out and shoo it off. You need to calm down.” Richard walked to the front door.
“No!” Clive rushed ahead of him and blocked it with his body. “Just trust me on this.”
His taller brother gripped him on his shoulder with surprising force. “Alright, that’s enough, Clive. You come out with me, and we can stop this charade of yours.”
With that, Richard yanked Clive away from the door and pulled it open with his other hand in one swift motion. He pulled Clive’s reluctant body alongside him until they were off the porch.
Scratch scratch.
Clive looked up, but the roof was engulfed in darkness and he could see nothing. Only the light from the shut windows of his mother’s upstairs bedroom provided a small bit of illumination. Richard bent down, picked up a snapped branch, and chucked it blindly into the roof.
Clive flinched when out of the darkness came the flapping wings of an owl as it flew silently away into the trees.
“See? Just an owl, now knock it off.” Richard slapped him on the back.
Clive let out a deep breath of relief. Had he been overthinking things? He glanced back into the woods, but from this distance there was no spotting the green glow.
Clive found himself numbly following Richard back into the farmhouse and up the stairs, sucking in deep breaths as he tried to calm down. His brother made his way to Abigail’s door and turned the knob.
Inside the colourful room filled with pink sheets and colourful foam, Abigail lay on her tummy, scribbling away on papers with her crayons.
“It’s time for bed, Abigail.”
“Aw, but I’m not done yet with my drawing.” She kicked her legs back and forth with a pouting expression.
“You can continue tomorrow, sweetheart.”
“Mom would have let me finish.” She mumbled.
“What was that?”
“I said, can I show Uncle Clive what I’ve done so far?” She rolled up into a sitting position.
“Why not show me?” Richard asked in a teasing voice.
“No, you can only see when I’m done, or you’ll call it ugly. I can only show Uncle Clive and grandma if I’m not done.”
“What about me?” Irene’s voice shouted from downstairs.
Abigail silently shook her head so hard her hair came flying round to cover the front of her face.
“Alright, you can show me the drawing. Privately.” Clive whispered the last word, getting a giggle from Abigail and an eye roll from Richard, who nonetheless turned his back to the room.
Abigail motioned for him to come closer, and so Clive lowered himself onto his knees next to her. With a mischievous smile on her face, she flipped the piece of paper she had been hiding around, and the sight caused the man to flinch immediately.
Drawn in thick and messy black and brown crayon was a simplified owl, with gigantic sunken pools of black for eyes that seemed to drip out over the eye sockets. Its ear tufts seemed to curve and stretch like devil horns.
“Do you like it?” Abigail looked directly into his eyes in anticipation.
“Why did you draw this?” He whispered back.
“It was standing at my window, watching me. It looked cute so I drew it.”
Clive followed her pointing crayon to the open window, beyond it a view of the shadowy night. There was no owl in sight, but he could just barely pick up the hooting calls in the distance.
“Just tonight?”
“Huh? Sometimes in the past few years.” She shrugged.
“Well alright, but let’s shut your windows and get ready for bed alright?” Clive waved Richard in while he got up and shut the windows tight, making sure to lock them and draw the curtains.
Clive found himself waiting out in the hallway, lost in thought while Richard finished getting Abigail ready for bed and tucked her in for the night. He knew the great horned owls could be dicks when it came to territory, but perhaps this was something more. After all, a great big and bright UFO had crashed into the forest. Perhaps this had driven the owls towards the farmhouse and made them act weirdly. But that still didn't explain what Abigail said.
His thoughts were dashed by Irene appearing before him with another glass of water in hand.
“Mom hasn’t taken her pills for tonight.” She said, gesturing at the door at the end of the hallway.
“She’s probably still asleep.” Clive shrugged.
“Yeah, I’m going to have to wake her up.” Irene’s expression turned grim.
“Oh boy.” He gulped. “I’ll be downstairs then. Under a table.”
“Jerk.”
Clive couldn’t wipe the grin off his face as he walked to the stairs. He was two steps down when Irene screamed, followed by the sound of shattering glass. He spun around and ran right into his mother’s room, where a terrified Irene met him.
Clive felt his blood freeze in his veins at the sight of his mother. She was sat in her favourite old armchair, unmoving. Long deep claw marks shredded her face into a gory mess, blood pouring down from her wounds and soaking her clothes through in a dark red. He couldn’t move, rooted to the spot until Richard stormed in behind him.
“Mom! No!” He let out a ragged howl and rushed towards her lifeless corpse. Clive felt energy surge through his limbs again and he rushed to the open window. Mom never left the window open at night, one of her superstitions. They weren’t forced open, the lock wasn’t broken. Someone had pulled them open from the outside and gotten in. He looked around, and his eyes caught onto a grey feather on the windowsill. He reached out for it, but a gust of wind rushed in and then out, sweeping it away from his outstretched fingers and into the darkness.
“Irene! Go drive and get the cops!” Richard snatched his car keys from his pocket and chucked them at her. Irene stood trembling on the spot, the keys hitting her on the arm and dropping to the floor. Then she took a deep breath, nodded, and fumbled for the keys on the rug before rushing out.
“She’s dead. Someone killed her. I swear to God, if I catch the bastard…”
“Richard, someone opened the window from the outside.”
“Abigail!” He shot up to his feet.
“I locked her window, don’t worry.” Clive said. Down below, he heard the front door open and saw Irene’s silhouette run into the darkness at a frantic pace. He eyes traced where the dirt path led down to the old road before latching on to the cone of light that flickered on in Irene’s grip.
About halfway down to the car, she screamed.
“Irene?!” Clive called out. Richard rushed over to the window beside him.
The flashlight beam began to wildly trash as she continued screaming at the top of her lungs. The light cut through the darkness erratically, allowing the two of them brief glimpses of dozens of feathered wings and outstretched talons.
“No fucking way.” Richard turned and rushed out of the room, Clive following close behind. He slammed his own door open and pulled a shotgun from his wardrobe. Clive got into his own room and snatched his hunting rifle from the wall rack. As they met in the hallway, little Abigail poked her head out from her door.
“Dad? What’s that screaming? I-I’m scared…”
“Stay in your room, sweetheart.”
“But…”
“Now!” Richard yelled, his voice echoing through the home. He rushed down the stairs two at a time, Clive close behind. The older brother fished his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the front door, leaving his keys in the lock as he swung open the door and stormed out on the porch. Under the dim porch light, Richard began to yell at the site of the attack. Irene’s screams had turned to agonised moans, the flashlight now slowly rolling on the ground and casting the greyish dull shadows of flapping wings onto the farmhouse walls.
Clive took aim at the rough location and fired a shot, the loud crack of gunfire sending a few owls scattering. Richard stepped out from the porch and began hurrying into the darkness with the shotgun in hand.
“Uncle Clive, what’s happening?” Abigail’s shaky voice came from beside him. Clive looked down, seeing his niece with a plush hugged tightly to her chest, tears brimming in her eyes.
“Abigail, go back inside, please.”
Suddenly, Richard began yelling in panic too. His shotgun fired into the air with a loud blast. The brief flash of light momentarily revealed two owls raking their talons against his eyes.
“Is dad being attacked? Dad?” She charged out past his legs onto the porch.
“Abigail, no!”
Clive reached out to grab at her, but she slipped free from him. The thuds of something landing on the porch roof seized his attention for the moment.
“Abigail, it’s not safe. There’s something on the-” He hadn’t finished when sharp talons reached in from the overhang and crushed the porch light, plunging them into darkness.
“Abigail!” He fumbled in her direction, barely able to see her silhouette from the living room light. Another shotgun blast from Richard. And then something swooped down from the porch roof and seized the young girl by the hair.
She let out a cry of terror as it yanked violently at her. Clive raised his gun and shot above her head, causing the bird to let go and fly up out of sight. Hisses and high-pitched shrieks rang out in unison from the porch roof, and Clive raised his gun and fired a shot through the roof. He couldn’t hear them flap their wings, but the screeches faded into the distance.
Clive stepped out the porch and gripped Abigail tightly by the arm. She whimpered as he pulled her back in towards the porch. Sharp claws then dug into his forehead and drew a yell of pain from him. He batted at the assailant with his rifle, causing it to release its grip.
“Get back!” He demanded into the shadowy night before firing a shot overhead.
Thudding footsteps drew closer, and Richard emerged from the darkness, face soaked in blood. He grabbed both Abigail and Clive and practically shoved them up the porch and into the house. He slammed the front door shut and turned his keys in the lock.
The house was silent save for their frantic breathing.
An owl slammed into the door, clawing at the wood. Richard took a step back and fired his shotgun, punching a splinter-lined hole through the door and sending the bird of prey fleeing.
Clive’s ears were ringing from the deafening gunshot, but he got up to his feet and looked around. An owl emerged silently from the darkness and began to grip at one of the handles of the window. Clive yelled out and fired his rifle, punching through the glass and chasing the owl away. He rubbed his ears, desperately trying to get his hearing back.
He could hear rustling from the next room. He rushed into the kitchen. Two owls pounded at a half-open window. They hissed at him. He responded with a shot from his rifle, sending them flapping quietly into the night. Clive ran over and slammed the windows shut, locking them.
His mom’s windows!
Clive rushed up the stairs, nearly tripping several times. More gunfire rang out from below him. He kicked the door open and rushed in past his mother’s bloodied body. A horned owl sat on the open windowsill, staring deeply at him.
He raised his gun without hesitation.
The owl’s beak stretched open, further than he thought possible. It let out an unholy scream, one he swore was more human than owl. Its eyes seemed to fall away into deep dark voids.
He pulled the trigger, and the owl leapt from the window in a flash. He rushed over and pulled them closed.
“What the fuck was that?” He mumbled to himself.
After checking every room, he descended the steps once more to the living room, where he found Richard hurriedly reloading his shotgun, blood dripping onto the coffee table. Abigail sat curled up and trembling on the couch, hugging her toy rabbit.
“They’re coming for the windows. You can’t hear them flying or see them until they’re right there.” Richard was yelling above his own ringing ears.
“I’ve locked the ones upstairs. They’re pulling them open otherwise.”
“Owls can’t do that.” Richard stared at him, but Clive could tell from his look that he was doubting himself.
“They’re not owls. I saw one of them on mom’s windows. They’re…” He took a deep breath, “they’re aliens.”
“Clive.”
“That one was screaming. They’re aliens wrapped up in a feathery suit or some shit like that.” Clive looked around, peeking into the other rooms as he talked. Not a sign of a bird. “We could have chased them off.”
“But we’re trapped. We can’t go outside. Bastards have perfect night vision. We’re sitting ducks out there.” Richard pulled a handkerchief out and wiped the blood from his face. Deep gashes from the cruel talons lined his forehead and eyebrows. One sliced halfway through his right eyelid. “We have to stay here and wait for day.”
“But Irene…”
“Irene’s dead.” Richard sighed, stopping his reload for a moment, “and if she isn’t then there’s nothing we can do for her.”
“You were the one who sent her out there.” Clive gripped his rifle until his knuckles went white.
“And you were the one who said something followed you back here!” Richard snapped back, pounding a fist on the table.
“Stop it!” Abigail yelled, standing up on the sofa and tossing her plush toy at Clive, who hurriedly caught it in one hand. “Stop fighting!”
Richard and Clive stared at each other, then at her guiltily. Richard resumed his reloading.
“Sorry, Abigail.” Clive said, tossing the toy back to her.
“Yeah, sorry. Clive, I’m not risking Abigail’s life going out there.”
“We should have gotten that landline installed.”
“Yeah well, maybe if they weren’t attempting daylight robbery with those prices.” Richard sighed.
Clive put a hand on his belt and felt nothing. He quickly looked down, finding nothing attached to his belt clip.
“My keys!”
“Your keys?”
“They must have fallen out on the porch in the chaos.” He walked over to the front door and peeked through the shotgun hole. It was too dark on the porch to see anything.
“Forget it, it’s not worth the risk,” Richard said, “get back from the door.”
“I could grab it in one second.” Clive said. He leaned in closer, trying to spot it, but his own head was blocking any light filtering through the hole.
He saw the shadow just a split second before the owl pressed itself against the door and jammed its talons through the opening at Clive’s eyeball. He fell back on his ass just in time, feeling the claws nick at his eyelashes. He pulled the trigger and blasted another hole through the wood. The lack of a thud told him he had missed again. Richard grabbed him by the collar and dragged him back to the centre of the living room.
“Don’t go near the doors and windows. You too, Abigail. Just sit here and wait, okay?” She nodded.
“If you see them come near, then-” Clive saw the brief flutter of wings at the second living room window midway through Richard’s line. Richard immediately raised his shotgun and fired, shattering the window and sending it off.
“Then do that.” He finished.
“You’re going to have to sit here and watch this the whole time then.” Clive raised an eyebrow.
“Help me get the dining table, we’ll block this off.”
Clive had just finished his dozenth patrol of the upper floor. He made his way back to the living room, where Richard was sitting on the couch, one arm around Abigail and the other around his shotgun.
He couldn’t understand how Richard could sit and wait, when the owl-things could return at any moment. They had in fact tried a few times when Clive had accidentally gotten a little too close to a window, but they fled unscathed when met with a rifle round.
“Nothing this time.” He said. Richard nodded, running his fingers through an exhausted Abigail’s hair.
“We just have to wait five more hours.” Clive said. Did they even have enough ammo for that?
“We’ll make it as long as we stay here. One step into darkness and it could be over with those cursed owls.”
Clive grinded his teeth together as he sat down in the armchair, stretching his legs. Beyond the window to his right, he could hear loud hooting echoing through the air. Then some more, and then more, until it was an entire boisterous choir of owls sounding out in the dark.
“Where are they?” Richard sat up straight. Clive kept an ear out.
“Southwest of the house?”
“Could we take a shot?”
Clive got to his feet, manoeuvring around to the right window in the kitchen, making sure to stay several feet from the glass. He squinted, but he could just barely make out the shapes in the pale starlight. Several dozen owls had gathered, seemingly balanced on thin air before it clicked in Clive’s head.
“They’re all bunched up on the power lines.”
“What for?” Richard asked from the living room.
“I don’t know.” He kept an eye on them, aiming his rifle into the group, trying to line up a silhouette. “I think I can take a shot.”
“Careful.”
He took a deep breath and pressed his finger against the trigger.
A blinding light, almost like the Sun, burnt itself into his vision. He cried out, covering his eyes. It was followed immediately by a loud snapping noise, like the cracking of a whip, and the house plunged into abyssal darkness.
“Oh fuck.” He heard Richard say.
Clive rushed over to the living room, stumbling over a corner. Afterimages swam in the darkness of his vision. All around, he heard the sounds of the owl-things landing on the roof of the house.
“Richard.” He whispered, sticking one free hand out to fumble about. He felt his hand close around Richard’s own and he pulled them together.
“Dad?” Abigail’s voice came from beside them.
“Shh, just stay quiet, sweetheart. Clive, hide now.”
“Hide where? They can see us in the dark.”
“Abigail’s room.” The three of them blindly stumbled around, slowly making their way to the steps and climbing up, trying to make as little sound as possible. The soft hooting from the owls outside surrounded the entire house.
Clive heard the jingling of keys from the porch. He held his breath and stopped moving. Richard nudged him onwards.
The sound of the key sliding into the lock. The click of turning locks. And then the slow squeak of the doorknob being turned. The door being pushed open.
That wasn’t possible. The owls couldn’t have done that. They have no fingers, for God’s sake!
All three of them nearly fell when they reached the top of the stairs and tried to take another step up. Clive tried to breathe as softly as possible. He heard the light taps of talons on the wooden floor of the living room.
He reached a hand out, blindly fumbling on the wall before gripping on to Abigail’s doorknob. He wanted to pull the flashlight out, but that could be suicide.
Once inside, he shut the door.
“Abigail, go under the bed with Uncle Clive.”
“No, dad. I wanna stay with you.” She whispered.
“Richard…”
“Shh. Do as I say.” Clive heard Richard grab something from Abigail’s nightstand. “When you hear the signal, get out however you can and towards your car. You still have your car keys?”
Clive reached into his breast pocket, feeling the familiar metal in his hand. “Yeah.”
“I’ll meet you there. Take care of Abigail.”
“Richard, it’s too dangerous.”
“Just do as I say!” He said in a hushed angry tone. “Be good, sweetheart, and be quiet.”
“Dad, no…”
Clive heard Richard kiss Abigail on the forehead, and then open the bedroom door and tiptoe out. Clive quietly shut it behind him. He grabbed Abigail’s blanket off the bed.
“Abigail, get under the bed.” The young girl wordlessly obeyed, and Clive lay down and dragged himself under the bed, pressing up against Abigail. He pulled the blanket in with them and used it to block as much as he could of them from sight.
“Be very quiet.” He whispered. The two lay chest-down under there. Clive tried to listen, but he couldn’t hear anything. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness, but the blanket blocked any view from them to the rest of the room.
The doorknob to Abigail’s room turned slowly.
Clive tried to control his breathing. Every time he inhaled, he felt his back dig into the wooden bedframe above. He broke out into a cold sweat and it all seemed to start pooling around his face. He could barely move a limb. He was squeezing Abigail’s hand, trying to keep her quiet.
The door creaked open. Tiny footsteps entered past the doorframe. Then silence. And then he felt something, no, somethings, land on the bed. They were so perfectly silent when they flew. Clive wondered how many of them were in the room. He tried to lift his head a little, but it immediately ground up against the bedframe.
The owls on the bed started ripping up the mattress. They made quiet hisses as each talon tore through the cloth with a ripping noise.
Clive heard one owl land at the bedside. It walked in and pecked at the bedsheet. He held his breath and he felt Abigail press her face into his arm to hide her noises too.
He stared at the blanket. The pecking stopped. And then the owl gripped onto the blanket and crumpled it with a fist. Clive felt his heart beating, his lungs burning, begging for air, but he refused to breathe.
RIIIIINGGG!!!!
It took all of Clive’s effort not to let out a scream as the shrill racket of Abigail’s alarm clock echoed through the house from his mom’s room down the hallway. The owl-thing unclenched the blanket and seemingly took flight, as did all the others on the bed.
That must’ve been the signal Richard meant. Taking a needy deep breath of air, he kicked the blanket out and slithered his way out from under the bed, pulling Abigail along. He thought for a split second and hefted his young niece into his arms as he hurried down the steps, hoping the loud noise would hide his own footfalls. He couldn’t afford to sneak; they could spot him with a glance.
Clive reached the bottom of the steps, rushed through the living room, and out onto the porch, stabilising himself on the railings. His fingers ran against deep gashes cut into them by talons.
Finally, he was on the dirt road, where he broke into a full sprint. Irene’s flashlight was gone, and he hoped he didn’t trip over her corpse. He ran and ran, shoes pounding against the dirt while his heart threatened to break out of his ribcage. Then he slammed into the metal frame of his car, falling over and dropping Abigail.
His fingers nearly fumbled his car key as he unlocked the old worn Mercedes.
“What about dad?”
“Get in first, Abigail.” He grabbed onto her and roughly shoved her in before plugging the key into the ignition and roaring the car to life.
Clive leaned back out of the car, trying to spot his brother. He heard heavy footfalls and angered screeches, and Richard came barreling out of the darkness. His face looked like someone had taken a knife to it, and he jumped straight into the driver’s seat.
“Get in, now!” He barked. Clive pulled the back door open, when he suddenly felt sharp blades impale into the back of his neck. He cried out, smacking the owl away. The bird then lashed out, clawing at his face. He felt its talons skewer one of his eyes, blurring his vision immediately as he screamed and battered at it with his fists. It stumbled onto the roof of the car.
The owl extended its wings and screamed. Its ear tufts sharpened into horns, and its wings seemed to end in massive misshapen fingers. Clive’s hands moved without him even thinking, and he fired point blank at the bird-thing. It fell from the car and landed beside him. Sparks began to shoot from some invisible device tucked round its ‘waist’. Clive watched, stunned, as its form began to shift. Eyes seemed to erupt from beneath its feathery skin, then pop into non-existence. Its wings were melting between natural and horrific mockery appendages. Its face fell away into black void and from within, it vomited out oily feathers in the dozens.
“Clive!” Richard screamed. Suddenly, more claws raked at him and pounded onto the car, and Clive heard the spinning of tires as his car pulled away down the road without him. He saw the silhouettes chasing after it, but all the while they tore chunks of flesh out of him and peeled his skin off.
Clive was screaming as he ran, plunging into the dark woods. He ran and ran, feeling the owls shredding him as he did. He flung himself through thorny foliage, weaved hard through the trees to lose them. Warm blood poured from his arms and neck. He felt himself getting colder and number, but he pushed on. The brutal talons seemed to let up in the tricky terrain, and Clive found himself free from them, though his wounds howled in agony.
He didn’t care. He ran and ran and ran, stumbling through the darkness, feeling the branches cut into him.
The green glow. He could see the green glow again, pulsing faintly now. He scrambled towards it, sometimes tripping and clambering on all fours. Closer and closer until-
He burst into the false clearing. The pale green glow barely hid the bizarre metallic craft before his eyes. It was vaguely spherical, with all sorts of bits and bobs of mechanical parts on it that he couldn’t describe. Yet two antennae of sorts formed into makeshift ear tufts on the top of the craft.
Clive could hardly breathe. He fell to his knees, feeling strength leaking out of his limbs with all his hot blood. He slumped against a tree, taking in the sight. He could barely see, barely move anymore.
There was hooting around him, the calls of the inexorable birds. Slowly he looked up.
Thousands of owls stared down at him, unmoving. The once-starlit sky only held their unforgiving gaze.
Author's note: IceOriental123 here! Hope you enjoyed this story!
It was inspired by the Kelly Hopkinsville Encounter, where a family was allegedly besieged by aliens in their farmhouse. Skeptics think they were actually dealing with hostile great horned owls, so, inspired, I meshed this with a previous idea I had of all owls actually being aliens, and created this!
You can check out my other stories in my subreddit at this link.
The subreddit's still WIP but the story list in the link is updated.
Thanks for reading!
2024.04.29 18:45 HommoFroggy [James Horncastle] AC Milan, Julen Lopetegui and the quandary of finding a new coach
Stefano Pioli’s voice trembled. It had broken during AC Milan’s goalless stalemate with Juventus at the Allianz Stadium. He put it down to shouting too many tactical instructions at his players and felt the need to interject when DAZN’s Stefano Borghi suggested his tone was down and one of resignation.
It has been a rough 10 days for Pioli. Knocked out of Europe by another Italian side for a second year in a row, Milan then lost a sixth straight derby and were reduced to playing deafening techno music to drown out Inter’s title celebrations.
Pioli says he stopped reading the newspapers a long time ago, but friends have messaged him about a few of Gazzetta dello Sport’s recent front pages. One claimed his four and a half year stint as Milan coach is over. Another, printed on the day of the Juventus game, presented Julen Lopetegui as the frontrunner to replace him.
Milan’s ultras did not make the short trip from Lombardy to Piedmont on Saturday, in protest at the ticket prices charged by Juventus. It wasn’t the only stand they took. A communique issued by the inhabitants of San Siro’s Curva Sud declared their patience with those running the club exhausted:
“The season is coming to an end and the mediocrity that has characterised it for almost the entire duration has given way to a woeful and disastrous end that, as if it weren’t already enough, has been amplified even more by the atrocious comments made by some executives, and the rumours regarding the name of the future coach that make us understand once again how the ambition to relive the past is not the primary prerogative of the club.”
Finishing second in Serie A isn’t enough, particularly when Milan’s likely placement as its 2023-24 runners-up comes without them ever mounting a title challenge. Leaving aside the allusion to president Paolo Scaroni’s spat with club legend and former technical director Paolo Maldini, who was sacked from that job a year ago, the whole episode lays bare the difficulty and delicacy a club of Milan’s history and tradition face when choosing a new coach in the current climate.
It is frankly surprising that Lopetegui’s candidacy became so advanced. Not on a technical level — nobody is disputing his coaching ability. However, it did show a loss of context and a lack of cultural awareness.
Italy remains a very insular football country. The way some pundits there talk about the game it is as if football on the other side of the Alps, the Dolomites and the Adriatic is still dramatically different; almost another sport. They call it “calcio europeo” as if Italy were not part of the European Union. Eighteen of Serie A’s 20 clubs are led by coaches with Italian passports. The exceptions — Torino’s Ivan Juric and Igor Tudor at Lazio — have been adopted as two of their own after spending a decade of their respective playing careers in Italy.
So to make it in Italy as a foreign manager, you either have to be familiar to the locals or an undisputed superstar.
Since the Second World War, only 13 coaches from outside Italy have won Serie A. Only two have done so since the turn of the century. The first was Sven-Goran Eriksson at Lazio, in 2000. And the Swede, by then, was a known quantity in Italy after stints at Roma, Fiorentina and Sampdoria. Later came prime Jose Mourinho, who made history by winning an unprecedented treble with Inter in 2010. But that’s about it.
Juventus have not had a foreign coach in Serie A since Zdenek Zeman’s uncle Cestmir Vycpalek was in the dugout in the early 1970s. Inter have thought better of it ever since Frank de Boer’s team were beaten by Israeli club Hapoel Be’er Sheva at San Siro in 2016. As for Lopetegui, he would have been Milan’s first foreign coach since the late Sinisa Mihajlovic who, like Tudor and Juric, had made Italy his second home.
None of which is to say club owners, particularly U.S. investors, should limit their search to within Italy’s borders unless the chance to appoint a Pep Guardiola emerges; though even then, as Mourinho discovered in 2008, the cultural resistance would still be strong. Mourinho had to battle against what he called the “intellectual prostitution” of the media as reporters defended ‘their’ coaches, their contacts, their football movement against the interloper.
Such is the pride in the Italian coaching school at Coverciano, near Florence, the prevailing attitude has tended to be less, ‘What can we learn from the likes of Guardiola?’, and more, ‘Let’s teach people like him a lesson’.
Foreign coaches have to work doubly hard to prove themselves and, if they cannot counter the narrative, they are soon chewed up and spat out. A coach as good as Luis Enrique quit Roma after a year, citing exhaustion. The press was merciless with De Boer, in particular. The Dutchman’s tendency to speak a mix of English and Spanish while he learned Italian led to ridicule. “What is this? Esperanto?”
Enduring pride in Italian coaching isn’t misplaced. After all, no nationality has had more different winners of the Premier League than Italy (four). Carlo Ancelotti is the most successful coach in Champions League history, also winning all five of Europe’s top five domestic leagues, and this summer’s European Championship will have four Italian coaches, in charge of Italy, obviously, as well as Hungary, Slovakia and Turkey.
So what do Milan do? Cave in and hire an Italian?
Historically, the club, at their best, have chosen three kinds of coach. First is the ideologue-innovator. Imagine, for a moment, if social media had been around in 1987 when Silvio Berlusconi decided to make a former shoe salesman, who had never managed outside the second division, his first new coach. Would he have changed his mind amid the backlash and picked a safer, more established name than the ‘Alien’, Arrigo Sacchi, whose ideas changed football?
Second, is a coach with ‘physique du role’, a trait Berlusconi’s former chief executive Adriano Galliani felt was imperative. It means someone with broad shoulders and gravitas, a figure able to command authority with star players and stay unflappable in front of the Curva and the media. That was Max Allegri in 2010. It feels like a long time ago now, but Galliani hired Allegri after his peers voted for him to win the Panchina d’Oro, the country’s coach of the year award, after his first top-flight season with Cagliari.
That Allegri has that award on his mantlepiece at home instead of Mourinho, who won the league with Inter that year, was, in part, another example of the aforementioned cultural resistance to the outsider.
Domestically, Allegri became the most dominant Italian coach of his generation. What his critics today fail to realise as they focus exclusively on his football is precisely his physique du role. When the Juventus board resigned last season amid the Prisma investigation and points deductions were applied, suspended, then reinstated, he still led his players to a top-four finish and gave them a chance of European football if appeals were won and UEFA decided not to impose a ban from its competitions. Other coaches would have been overwhelmed and their team would have spiralled.
Juventus’ gratitude for the job Allegri did in those extreme circumstances helps explain why he remained in-office this season.
To coach a top club you have to be built differently and it’s something for Milan to bear in mind, even if the investigation into their change of ownership in 2022 is not on the same scale as everything Juventus went through last season.
The third kind isn’t too dissimilar to the last one, as the former player also tends to possess the physique du role for the job. Not to fall into the cliche of ‘someone who knows the club’, some of the greatest titles in Milan’s history were won by coaches who had once pulled on the red and black shirt.
Nils Liedholm was the manager when Milan won their first star. He introduced the zonal marking system that laid the foundation for Sacchi’s work. People forget Fabio Capello went away and worked in Berlusconi’s business empire before returning to make Milan Invincible.
Then came Ancelotti, who made Milan a force in Europe again after the ill-fated dabbles with Uruguay’s Oscar Washington Tabarez and the Turk Fatih Terim on either side of Alberto Zaccheroni’s Scudetto in 1999. Ancelotti combined innovation with physique du role. He followed Carlo Mazzone’s intuition in playing Andrea Pirlo in front of the defence and went to three Champions League finals with Milan playing a Christmas-tree formation.
Now don’t get it twisted. Nobody is suggesting Milan’s owner RedBird follow the Capello model and turn Zlatan Ibrahimovic from executive to coach. A twilight Berlusconi tried to repeat that trick with Leonardo and it did not work. Neither did giving rookie coaches Filippo Inzaghi and Clarence Seedorf the keys to a declining, stripped-back Milan with which to start their coaching careers.
Not so long ago, perhaps Pirlo would have appealed to Milan’s owners, a la Ancelotti, particularly as the data from his one season at Juventus is actually pretty good and he seems to have got a grip on now second-division Sampdoria after a rough start.
The blinky Basque, Lopetegui, did not fall into any of these three categories.
What is equally interesting amid the clamour for Milan to hire a name commensurate with the club’s stature as seven-time Champions League winners is the small matter that, in nearly 125 years of history, they have never done such a thing. Berlusconi, for instance, did not try to hire Johan Cruyff to replace Sacchi in 1991 or Vicente del Bosque instead of Terim 10 years later. What has distinguished Milan is the club’s vision, and their ability to identify the next big thing.
Fans understandably did not see that in the grey Lopetegui. Nor did they discern the physique du role in him after an old clip of the now 57-year-old fainting on live TV went viral on social media. No surprise, then, that #Nopetegui has been trending.
The Milan supporters vox-popped outside the stadium on Saturday afternoon named two coaches, and two only. Both, of course, happen to be Italians: Antonio Conte and Roberto De Zerbi.
The former is a serial winner and, irrespective of his past with Juventus, a self-proclaimed Sacchi disciple keen, no doubt, to become the first coach to win the league with each of Italy’s big three clubs. The latter is the former Milan youth-team player, the innovator, the Italian coach Guardiola most sees himself in, which is perhaps a problem for his candidacy when Ibrahimovic is among the evaluators.
Both, however, are considered expensive either in salary or, in De Zerbi’s case, to extricate from Brighton & Hove Albion of the Premier League. Both expect to be listened to over transfer strategy. Both are not shy in letting their feelings known in press conferences. The same can be said of a Champions League winner such as Thomas Tuchel.
And what of Maurizio Sarri? It wasn’t so long ago that he made Napoli play a style of football so avant-garde the term ‘Sarrismo’ even entered the dictionary. He made tactics stans send a flurry of eggplant emojis to each other and went for dinner with Sacchi and Guardiola as the ultimate meeting of football minds. But Sarri has not been mentioned in relation to Milan since the time Berlusconi reportedlyr overlooked him because he a) always wore a tracksuit and b) apparently voted communist.
Thiago Motta and Sarri (Valerio Pennicino – Juventus FC/Juventus FC via Getty Images)
Looking at Serie A this season, Milan should perhaps have acted with more urgency to hire Thiago Motta; a young, naturalised Italian familiar to the league with cutting-edge ideas on the game.
Football's best up-and-coming managers: Thiago Motta, a fascinating tactician
The notion he is ‘too Interista’ as a member of Mourinho’s treble-winning team in 2010 is a weak one given Trapattoni, a legendary player at Milan, dominated as a coach with Juventus and Inter, a club who, many years later, would hire Conte, a former Juventus captain, to knock down the house he built.
Motta, by the same token, is now expected to join Inter’s most bitter rivals, Juventus, in the summer.
The shine has also been taken off Francesco Farioli’s remarkable season at Nice, after their totally unexpected title challenge faded. Nice are now down to fifth in France’s Ligue 1, but are still six points better off than they were on April 29 last year, when they eventually finished ninth. Perhaps they would have sustained their form from the first half of this season if owner INEOS had invested in the team over the winter when its attention was instead taken up by the purchase of a minority stake in Man Utd.
Milan’s owner, Gerry Cardinale, has a big decision to make. He inherited Pioli, so this is his first appointment. It will not define his ownership, but it is one he will not be able to take back, either.
Conte would no doubt get the Curva Sud and the media on board. De Zerbi has a cult following in Italy and would capture the imagination. But Milan are run on the same basis as Liverpool, and Liverpool did not consider either of them when finding a replacement for Jurgen Klopp.
While his name will not generate the same hype and enthusiasm as a Conte or a De Zerbi, Lille coach Paulo Fonseca is the most compelling compromise.
Fonseca speaks Italian, has managed in the most scrutinised media market in the country (as Roma coach from 2019-21) and conducted himself with class during the COVID-19 pandemic despite an injury crisis and a change of ownership, and with a team terribly assorted by sporting director Monchi, who wasted the money earned from a run to the Champions League semi-finals, not to mention the sales of Mohamed Salah and Alisson to Liverpool in successive summer windows.
His style of play and work with young players match up well with the club’s search criteria, probably more than that of the Curva.
When asked whom he would recommend if Milan were to miss out on Motta, none other than Capello, an Invincible and the mastermind of that famous night in Athens 30 years ago, was unequivocal when it came to his endorsement.
“A coach who knows Italy. Someone like Fonseca.”
https://theathletic.com/5455342/2024/04/29/milan-lopetegui-pioli-sarri-fonseca/
submitted by HommoFroggy to ACMilan [link] [comments]
It has been a rough 10 days for Pioli. Knocked out of Europe by another Italian side for a second year in a row, Milan then lost a sixth straight derby and were reduced to playing deafening techno music to drown out Inter’s title celebrations.
Pioli says he stopped reading the newspapers a long time ago, but friends have messaged him about a few of Gazzetta dello Sport’s recent front pages. One claimed his four and a half year stint as Milan coach is over. Another, printed on the day of the Juventus game, presented Julen Lopetegui as the frontrunner to replace him.
Milan’s ultras did not make the short trip from Lombardy to Piedmont on Saturday, in protest at the ticket prices charged by Juventus. It wasn’t the only stand they took. A communique issued by the inhabitants of San Siro’s Curva Sud declared their patience with those running the club exhausted:
“The season is coming to an end and the mediocrity that has characterised it for almost the entire duration has given way to a woeful and disastrous end that, as if it weren’t already enough, has been amplified even more by the atrocious comments made by some executives, and the rumours regarding the name of the future coach that make us understand once again how the ambition to relive the past is not the primary prerogative of the club.”
Finishing second in Serie A isn’t enough, particularly when Milan’s likely placement as its 2023-24 runners-up comes without them ever mounting a title challenge. Leaving aside the allusion to president Paolo Scaroni’s spat with club legend and former technical director Paolo Maldini, who was sacked from that job a year ago, the whole episode lays bare the difficulty and delicacy a club of Milan’s history and tradition face when choosing a new coach in the current climate.
It is frankly surprising that Lopetegui’s candidacy became so advanced. Not on a technical level — nobody is disputing his coaching ability. However, it did show a loss of context and a lack of cultural awareness.
Italy remains a very insular football country. The way some pundits there talk about the game it is as if football on the other side of the Alps, the Dolomites and the Adriatic is still dramatically different; almost another sport. They call it “calcio europeo” as if Italy were not part of the European Union. Eighteen of Serie A’s 20 clubs are led by coaches with Italian passports. The exceptions — Torino’s Ivan Juric and Igor Tudor at Lazio — have been adopted as two of their own after spending a decade of their respective playing careers in Italy.
So to make it in Italy as a foreign manager, you either have to be familiar to the locals or an undisputed superstar.
Since the Second World War, only 13 coaches from outside Italy have won Serie A. Only two have done so since the turn of the century. The first was Sven-Goran Eriksson at Lazio, in 2000. And the Swede, by then, was a known quantity in Italy after stints at Roma, Fiorentina and Sampdoria. Later came prime Jose Mourinho, who made history by winning an unprecedented treble with Inter in 2010. But that’s about it.
Juventus have not had a foreign coach in Serie A since Zdenek Zeman’s uncle Cestmir Vycpalek was in the dugout in the early 1970s. Inter have thought better of it ever since Frank de Boer’s team were beaten by Israeli club Hapoel Be’er Sheva at San Siro in 2016. As for Lopetegui, he would have been Milan’s first foreign coach since the late Sinisa Mihajlovic who, like Tudor and Juric, had made Italy his second home.
None of which is to say club owners, particularly U.S. investors, should limit their search to within Italy’s borders unless the chance to appoint a Pep Guardiola emerges; though even then, as Mourinho discovered in 2008, the cultural resistance would still be strong. Mourinho had to battle against what he called the “intellectual prostitution” of the media as reporters defended ‘their’ coaches, their contacts, their football movement against the interloper.
Such is the pride in the Italian coaching school at Coverciano, near Florence, the prevailing attitude has tended to be less, ‘What can we learn from the likes of Guardiola?’, and more, ‘Let’s teach people like him a lesson’.
Foreign coaches have to work doubly hard to prove themselves and, if they cannot counter the narrative, they are soon chewed up and spat out. A coach as good as Luis Enrique quit Roma after a year, citing exhaustion. The press was merciless with De Boer, in particular. The Dutchman’s tendency to speak a mix of English and Spanish while he learned Italian led to ridicule. “What is this? Esperanto?”
Enduring pride in Italian coaching isn’t misplaced. After all, no nationality has had more different winners of the Premier League than Italy (four). Carlo Ancelotti is the most successful coach in Champions League history, also winning all five of Europe’s top five domestic leagues, and this summer’s European Championship will have four Italian coaches, in charge of Italy, obviously, as well as Hungary, Slovakia and Turkey.
So what do Milan do? Cave in and hire an Italian?
Historically, the club, at their best, have chosen three kinds of coach. First is the ideologue-innovator. Imagine, for a moment, if social media had been around in 1987 when Silvio Berlusconi decided to make a former shoe salesman, who had never managed outside the second division, his first new coach. Would he have changed his mind amid the backlash and picked a safer, more established name than the ‘Alien’, Arrigo Sacchi, whose ideas changed football?
Second, is a coach with ‘physique du role’, a trait Berlusconi’s former chief executive Adriano Galliani felt was imperative. It means someone with broad shoulders and gravitas, a figure able to command authority with star players and stay unflappable in front of the Curva and the media. That was Max Allegri in 2010. It feels like a long time ago now, but Galliani hired Allegri after his peers voted for him to win the Panchina d’Oro, the country’s coach of the year award, after his first top-flight season with Cagliari.
That Allegri has that award on his mantlepiece at home instead of Mourinho, who won the league with Inter that year, was, in part, another example of the aforementioned cultural resistance to the outsider.
Domestically, Allegri became the most dominant Italian coach of his generation. What his critics today fail to realise as they focus exclusively on his football is precisely his physique du role. When the Juventus board resigned last season amid the Prisma investigation and points deductions were applied, suspended, then reinstated, he still led his players to a top-four finish and gave them a chance of European football if appeals were won and UEFA decided not to impose a ban from its competitions. Other coaches would have been overwhelmed and their team would have spiralled.
Juventus’ gratitude for the job Allegri did in those extreme circumstances helps explain why he remained in-office this season.
To coach a top club you have to be built differently and it’s something for Milan to bear in mind, even if the investigation into their change of ownership in 2022 is not on the same scale as everything Juventus went through last season.
The third kind isn’t too dissimilar to the last one, as the former player also tends to possess the physique du role for the job. Not to fall into the cliche of ‘someone who knows the club’, some of the greatest titles in Milan’s history were won by coaches who had once pulled on the red and black shirt.
Nils Liedholm was the manager when Milan won their first star. He introduced the zonal marking system that laid the foundation for Sacchi’s work. People forget Fabio Capello went away and worked in Berlusconi’s business empire before returning to make Milan Invincible.
Then came Ancelotti, who made Milan a force in Europe again after the ill-fated dabbles with Uruguay’s Oscar Washington Tabarez and the Turk Fatih Terim on either side of Alberto Zaccheroni’s Scudetto in 1999. Ancelotti combined innovation with physique du role. He followed Carlo Mazzone’s intuition in playing Andrea Pirlo in front of the defence and went to three Champions League finals with Milan playing a Christmas-tree formation.
Now don’t get it twisted. Nobody is suggesting Milan’s owner RedBird follow the Capello model and turn Zlatan Ibrahimovic from executive to coach. A twilight Berlusconi tried to repeat that trick with Leonardo and it did not work. Neither did giving rookie coaches Filippo Inzaghi and Clarence Seedorf the keys to a declining, stripped-back Milan with which to start their coaching careers.
Not so long ago, perhaps Pirlo would have appealed to Milan’s owners, a la Ancelotti, particularly as the data from his one season at Juventus is actually pretty good and he seems to have got a grip on now second-division Sampdoria after a rough start.
The blinky Basque, Lopetegui, did not fall into any of these three categories.
What is equally interesting amid the clamour for Milan to hire a name commensurate with the club’s stature as seven-time Champions League winners is the small matter that, in nearly 125 years of history, they have never done such a thing. Berlusconi, for instance, did not try to hire Johan Cruyff to replace Sacchi in 1991 or Vicente del Bosque instead of Terim 10 years later. What has distinguished Milan is the club’s vision, and their ability to identify the next big thing.
Fans understandably did not see that in the grey Lopetegui. Nor did they discern the physique du role in him after an old clip of the now 57-year-old fainting on live TV went viral on social media. No surprise, then, that #Nopetegui has been trending.
The Milan supporters vox-popped outside the stadium on Saturday afternoon named two coaches, and two only. Both, of course, happen to be Italians: Antonio Conte and Roberto De Zerbi.
The former is a serial winner and, irrespective of his past with Juventus, a self-proclaimed Sacchi disciple keen, no doubt, to become the first coach to win the league with each of Italy’s big three clubs. The latter is the former Milan youth-team player, the innovator, the Italian coach Guardiola most sees himself in, which is perhaps a problem for his candidacy when Ibrahimovic is among the evaluators.
Both, however, are considered expensive either in salary or, in De Zerbi’s case, to extricate from Brighton & Hove Albion of the Premier League. Both expect to be listened to over transfer strategy. Both are not shy in letting their feelings known in press conferences. The same can be said of a Champions League winner such as Thomas Tuchel.
And what of Maurizio Sarri? It wasn’t so long ago that he made Napoli play a style of football so avant-garde the term ‘Sarrismo’ even entered the dictionary. He made tactics stans send a flurry of eggplant emojis to each other and went for dinner with Sacchi and Guardiola as the ultimate meeting of football minds. But Sarri has not been mentioned in relation to Milan since the time Berlusconi reportedlyr overlooked him because he a) always wore a tracksuit and b) apparently voted communist.
Thiago Motta and Sarri (Valerio Pennicino – Juventus FC/Juventus FC via Getty Images)
Looking at Serie A this season, Milan should perhaps have acted with more urgency to hire Thiago Motta; a young, naturalised Italian familiar to the league with cutting-edge ideas on the game.
Football's best up-and-coming managers: Thiago Motta, a fascinating tactician
The notion he is ‘too Interista’ as a member of Mourinho’s treble-winning team in 2010 is a weak one given Trapattoni, a legendary player at Milan, dominated as a coach with Juventus and Inter, a club who, many years later, would hire Conte, a former Juventus captain, to knock down the house he built.
Motta, by the same token, is now expected to join Inter’s most bitter rivals, Juventus, in the summer.
The shine has also been taken off Francesco Farioli’s remarkable season at Nice, after their totally unexpected title challenge faded. Nice are now down to fifth in France’s Ligue 1, but are still six points better off than they were on April 29 last year, when they eventually finished ninth. Perhaps they would have sustained their form from the first half of this season if owner INEOS had invested in the team over the winter when its attention was instead taken up by the purchase of a minority stake in Man Utd.
Milan’s owner, Gerry Cardinale, has a big decision to make. He inherited Pioli, so this is his first appointment. It will not define his ownership, but it is one he will not be able to take back, either.
Conte would no doubt get the Curva Sud and the media on board. De Zerbi has a cult following in Italy and would capture the imagination. But Milan are run on the same basis as Liverpool, and Liverpool did not consider either of them when finding a replacement for Jurgen Klopp.
While his name will not generate the same hype and enthusiasm as a Conte or a De Zerbi, Lille coach Paulo Fonseca is the most compelling compromise.
Fonseca speaks Italian, has managed in the most scrutinised media market in the country (as Roma coach from 2019-21) and conducted himself with class during the COVID-19 pandemic despite an injury crisis and a change of ownership, and with a team terribly assorted by sporting director Monchi, who wasted the money earned from a run to the Champions League semi-finals, not to mention the sales of Mohamed Salah and Alisson to Liverpool in successive summer windows.
His style of play and work with young players match up well with the club’s search criteria, probably more than that of the Curva.
When asked whom he would recommend if Milan were to miss out on Motta, none other than Capello, an Invincible and the mastermind of that famous night in Athens 30 years ago, was unequivocal when it came to his endorsement.
“A coach who knows Italy. Someone like Fonseca.”
https://theathletic.com/5455342/2024/04/29/milan-lopetegui-pioli-sarri-fonseca/
2024.04.23 06:49 BonnyBuxom Opinion on weird sitting
//Update: I charged for extra animals and no questions were asked.
I took a dogsitting job (and a cat) and I was not expecting what I ran into.
Clients have a large dog and a cat. Cat is usually MIA, so no prob. I don't always charge for cats. Despite this, they did not tell me there was a cat, nor where her food is if she were to show up, I just found her the day they left. I did, actually, find her food in the fridge. They did not tell me they had chickens in two different places, and they asked me upon meet and greet if I would feed and water. I agreed. Their granddaughter lives in the apartment garage less than 20 feet from the house, but they hired me to keep the dog. He noted his friend would be happy to let the dog out during the day once. Okay. KEEP THIS IN MIND.
I'm staying at the house, and I cut on the air when I got here because it was friggin HOT in the house. It was like 82. The dog was fine, but they didn't have on as much as a ceiling fan or a single light. I found a bag on the counter with a note to give x amount per day. Not mentioned in m+g, but okay. I feed and water the dog, and I sit with him a while and go to bed. Next morning, it's thunderstorming bad. He didn't care in the slightest, but I turned on the TV to drown some of it out anyways because I had other drop on visits to do. I get a text from the lady that said, don't leave TV, lights, or anything on while I wasn't there, and lock the doors. Okay, fine with me, but how did she know? The granddaughter came and saw the dog while I was gone and I guess, what? Tattled? Pft. I was so irritated but I was like, okay, whatever. I still left the air on auto for the dog yesterday, but today it was cooler so I didn't change it at all. I sleep in arctic cold all the time, so I know it's probably too cold for most and adjust to normal temps. But everytime I come in, I see something has been changed I did. The ceiling fans are off, the ONE 40 watt lamp I left on for ME because this house is darker than sin and I can't see a dead blasted thing in there when I come in the door, is off. And they tell me to lock the door, but everytime they come to see the dog, the door is UNLOCKED.
I think the final straw for me was yesterday, I was getting up to get ready and the dog wanted out. Tell me how the neighbor kid from next door is standing in the kitchen to come let the dog out, and I'm in my nightclothes. If this guy has so many people coming to see this damn dog, why am I here? Heck, get the neighbor kid to feed the birds instead of the dog? Idk. It just makes me feel like he doesn't trust me with him, and if that's the case then why depend on a stranger when obviously so many other people he does trust are willing to do it instead? I don't know, it just rubs me the wrong way. The little ticky things get me too-- cutting off stuff, etc. I would get it if this place was lit up like the Christmas Light trail, but it's one damn lamp, and while I like to think it's for the dog it's for ME TO SEE WHERE THE HELL I'M GOING.
I'm not ungrateful for the job at all, I'm just irked that it feels like I have people watching me all the time.
submitted by BonnyBuxom to petsitting [link] [comments]
I took a dogsitting job (and a cat) and I was not expecting what I ran into.
Clients have a large dog and a cat. Cat is usually MIA, so no prob. I don't always charge for cats. Despite this, they did not tell me there was a cat, nor where her food is if she were to show up, I just found her the day they left. I did, actually, find her food in the fridge. They did not tell me they had chickens in two different places, and they asked me upon meet and greet if I would feed and water. I agreed. Their granddaughter lives in the apartment garage less than 20 feet from the house, but they hired me to keep the dog. He noted his friend would be happy to let the dog out during the day once. Okay. KEEP THIS IN MIND.
I'm staying at the house, and I cut on the air when I got here because it was friggin HOT in the house. It was like 82. The dog was fine, but they didn't have on as much as a ceiling fan or a single light. I found a bag on the counter with a note to give x amount per day. Not mentioned in m+g, but okay. I feed and water the dog, and I sit with him a while and go to bed. Next morning, it's thunderstorming bad. He didn't care in the slightest, but I turned on the TV to drown some of it out anyways because I had other drop on visits to do. I get a text from the lady that said, don't leave TV, lights, or anything on while I wasn't there, and lock the doors. Okay, fine with me, but how did she know? The granddaughter came and saw the dog while I was gone and I guess, what? Tattled? Pft. I was so irritated but I was like, okay, whatever. I still left the air on auto for the dog yesterday, but today it was cooler so I didn't change it at all. I sleep in arctic cold all the time, so I know it's probably too cold for most and adjust to normal temps. But everytime I come in, I see something has been changed I did. The ceiling fans are off, the ONE 40 watt lamp I left on for ME because this house is darker than sin and I can't see a dead blasted thing in there when I come in the door, is off. And they tell me to lock the door, but everytime they come to see the dog, the door is UNLOCKED.
I think the final straw for me was yesterday, I was getting up to get ready and the dog wanted out. Tell me how the neighbor kid from next door is standing in the kitchen to come let the dog out, and I'm in my nightclothes. If this guy has so many people coming to see this damn dog, why am I here? Heck, get the neighbor kid to feed the birds instead of the dog? Idk. It just makes me feel like he doesn't trust me with him, and if that's the case then why depend on a stranger when obviously so many other people he does trust are willing to do it instead? I don't know, it just rubs me the wrong way. The little ticky things get me too-- cutting off stuff, etc. I would get it if this place was lit up like the Christmas Light trail, but it's one damn lamp, and while I like to think it's for the dog it's for ME TO SEE WHERE THE HELL I'M GOING.
I'm not ungrateful for the job at all, I'm just irked that it feels like I have people watching me all the time.
2024.04.22 22:33 kasutori_Jack 2024 r/baseball Power Raniings -- Week 4: NL East is Beast as Mets Bounce Back and Phillies Phight, Pirates Get Plundered and D'Backs Are Stepped On, Royals and Astros Enter Unfamiliar Territory
Hey Sportsfans — it's time for Week 4 of baseball Power Rankings: Nearly a month of baseball in the books and what have we learned? Honestly, I'm not sure. You tell me.
Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:
TRANSPARENCY: This link will show you who voted each team where and has added neat statistics!
Are you a fan of the Athletics?
We are looking for a new Oakland Athletics Power Ranking Representative. Please see this comment for details.
Auxilliary Post: You can view extra stats and breakdowns posted here.
If something is a little messed up, feel free to pester me let me know.
Total Votes: 28 of 30.
submitted by kasutori_Jack to baseball [link] [comments]
Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:
"To an extent determined individually, you must take into account how strong a team is right now and likely to be going forward. You must, to some degree, give weight to the events and games of the previous week."
We are looking for a new Oakland Athletics Power Ranking Representative. Please see this comment for details.
Total Votes: 28 of 30.
| # | Team | Δ | Comment | Record | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Braves | +1 | 5-1 this week against the last two World Series winners. I'll take that any week. Still need to get our SP on track. Ozuna is still proving to be an MVP candidate whether Chris Rose likes it or not.Take care of business this week in Miami before taking on the surging Guardians. | 14-6 | |
| 2 | Yankees | -1 | Great series against the Rays, but the Blue Jays was a little less encouraging. Juan Soto is everything we hoped he’d be and more, which is much needed as Aaron Judge continues to struggle at the plate. The bullpen is looking solid, and Luis Gil has been a major bright spot in his first few starts. The next big question mark is what to do with a rehabbing DJ LeMahieu, particularly as he relates to a still-hot Oswaldo Cabrera. It seems Cabrera has earned a regular starting job, and if anyone should see their starts decreased with LeMahieu’s return it should be the ice-cold Gleyber Torres. Whether Boone will believe in hot and leave in Cabrera and show faith in his veteran and leave in Torres (or something in between) remains to be seen, but we know DJ will be getting starts. Also, the NASCAR race on Sunday was nothing short of heartbreaking for this Brad Keselowski fan. | 15-7 | |
| 3 | Orioles | +1 | Really good week this week. Strong starts and some timely hitting. There are definitely some glaring holes on this team though. The bullpen is getting overworked early, again. Also hitting is either all or nothing. There was a stat shown this week on the broadcast that talked about the amount of HR's, which is a lot, versus the number of walks, which is not a lot, the Orioles have. It can be a myriad of things, from being aggressive early to having a very young lineup, but either way you would hope it at least evened itself out to where there are more people on base and the team is still hitting a bunch of homeruns. Either way with the record where it is at currently you really can't complain, unless you're an Orioles fan who really loves Jackson Holliday. Then that 1-30 isn't looking great. | 14-7 | |
| 4 | Brewers | +1 | The Brewers dropped their first series of the year to the Padres, but bounced back to sweep the Cardinals in St.Louis. Up until this week, the story of the season has been the mashing lineup, but the pitching staff, especially the bullpen, really carried a lot of close games this week. However, Brewers starters have thrown the fewest innings of any team so far this year (94.2) and with DL Hall hitting the IL with a knee injury, the bullpen looks likely to be stretched across even more innings. | 14-6 | |
| 5 | Guardians | +1 | People are saying that the Guardians are benefitting from an easy schedule. Yes, we've played the Athletics and the White Sox, but we've also done well against teams that are on our level or better on paper, like the Twins, Mariners, and Red Sox. Heck, the Athletics are almost 500 in the games where they haven't played us. That said, the Yankees series was rough, and the White Sox series was a bit too close for comfort. I'm also a bit nervous to play the Braves next week. Still, I'll take what I get. (Also, WTF has happened to the Astros and Dodgers???) | 16-6 | |
| 6 | Dodgers | -3 | The Dodgers saw I didn't vote last week and have decided to sit out of playing baseball in protest. The boys in blue blew 2 series against teams they absolutely should beat every time. Walgreens even fielded a team and took 2 of 3 from us. Maybe the hype is too much to handle and everyone needs some time to settle in, but this team clearly underperformed this week overall and will look to right itself this week at the walgreens headquarters. | 13-11 | |
| 7 | Phillies | +7 | The Phillies are finally comfortably above .500 early in the season thanks to a 6-0 week against the worst teams in baseball. Besides two blowups from Ricardo Pinto and Gregory Soto in blowouts, the Phillies allowed just 4 runs this week. The offense finally started clicking too, scoring 38 runs led by Trea Turner boosting his OPS by 140 points. Johan Rojas also has 7 hits in his last three games, which is unsustainable but it's a nice boost from his black hole form. Nick Castellanos hit his first XBH on the season during a 3 hit game Sunday, but he was 0-18 with no walks the rest of the week. The only concern at the moment is whether this success is real or just a result of playing bad teams, but they'll be able to test it this week with 3 games in Cincinnati and 3 games in San Diego. | 14-8 | |
| 8 | Cubs | +1 | The Cubs went 4-3 this week, a result that has to be considered disappointing considering they only managed to split a 4 game set with the lowly Marlins. While key members of the Cubs offense appear to be breaking out of early season funks, the same cannot be said for 3B Christopher Morel or the bullpen. Closer Adbert Alzolay has completely fallen apart, and he blew 2 separate games where the Cubs had a lead in the 9th inning. Additionally, other key members of the bullpen have been either hurt (Julian Merryweather) or ineffective (Hector Neris); coupled with them throwing the second most innings in the league has led to the Cubs seeing numerous leads evaporate in close games. The Cubs will need them to turn it around moving forward, but it won't be easy with the Astros and Red Sox coming up this week. | 13-9 | |
| 9 | Rangers | -2 | The 17 day/17 game stretch of the schedule is over and the Rangers are just over .500. The offense is starting to get back and healthly with Nathaniel Lowe returning this week. Pitching is still a concerns but now that the longest consecutive stretch of games is over and out of the way, a much needed day off is in order. | 12-11 | |
| 10 | Royals | +3 | There are going to be weekends like this. Cole Ragans couldn't get strike three and was soft contacted to death. The Orioles are a damned good team, even if Alec Marsh can shut them down at will. As long as the Royals keep playing those good teams tough and winning the games they should, they're going to be fine. | 13-9 | |
| 11 | Rays | -1 | The Rays have had the worst bullpen in baseball to start the season. Even if you don't believe that, it's a fact we put a guy with an 8+ ERA in to hold a 1 run lead against the Yankees last Friday. It went how you'd expect in the box score, but it didn't happen how you'd expect as none of the 5 runs were earned due to multiple infield errors. The only silver lining this season is that the hodge-podge rotation seems to be holding it together pretty well now, which we need due to the aforementioned bullpen and because our big hitters have had mediocre to bad starts. Still, we're over .500 and checks last in the ALE. Huh. | 12-11 | |
| 12 | Blue Jays | +6 | 12-10 | ||
| 13 | Mets | +8 | The Mets may never lose a series again! The Mets came into this week with a pair of challenges - a home series against a Pirates team that started the year hot, followed by a trip to Chavez Ravine to play the Dodgers and their beloved international superstar Chris Taylor. The Mets went 5-1, sweeping Pittsburgh and dispatching the Dodgers on Friday and Saturday before an ugly 10-0 Sunday afternoon loss. This was also a big weekend of injury news for the Mets - JD Martinez resumed his work in the minors and may be in the lineup by the end of this coming week, reliever Brooks Raley will miss the next couple of weeks with a seemingly minor injury, and most pivotally - stud catcher Francisco Alvarez looks poised to miss a couple of months or so recovering from thumb surgery. What's next? 3 in San Fran (including games against Logan Webb and Blake Snell) before returning home for a weekend series against St. Louis. What I'm looking at this week: How viable the Omar Narvaez/Tomas Nido tandem is behind the plate in Alvarez's absence, and whether Adrian Houser puts himself at further risk of losing his rotation spot in the coming weeks. | 12-9 | |
| 14 | Reds | -2 | Hello, it is me Reds voter. I am the real Reds voter and not an imposter, I wanted to make that clear before we begin. It was a week of sweeps, the Reds got swept by the Mariners, then swept the Angels. Elly De La Cruz is good at baseball. I would know this being that I am the real Reds voter. Reds pitching has been good, they don’t let other teams score much, I really understand now why you humans like this stick ball game, it is quite enjoyable. This division you people call the “NL Central” continues to be overly competitive, I wish it would stop. And you know, being the fact that I am the real Reds voter and not an imposter alien trying to gather information on US citizens to determine the best points of infiltration in order to influence the general population, I feel like I have a really good authority on this team. I think we’re better in many ways than what the surface stats say, because this team is very scrappy. Granted so far it seems that our kryptonite has been good pitching, like if you have a good pitcher we’re fuuuuuucked, the entire Seattle series showed that. But this team continues to be fun to watch, even if signal is a bit difficult to get here on the ship. | 12-9 | |
| 15 | Red Sox | +1 | Every day it seems another Sox starter goes down with injury. Story, Grissom, Casas, O'Neill, Pivetta, Giolito, the list goes on. Despite this, the team has managed to maintain a solid output (even with the awful defense and a AAAA lineup). The lineup depth pieces have been horrid aside from Wilyer Abreu, so we'll either need to continue with the insane performance from our starters or hope that one or two of Hamilton, Reyes, Dalbec and Valdez can figure out how to hit. | 13-10 | |
| 16 | D-Backs | -5 | The Snakss are now missing their #2 starter, #3 starter, their closer, shortstop, and center fielder to injury, but have held around .500 with the NL's 3rd-best run differential. A split with the Giants in a 4-game set seems acceptable, all things considered, but the Diamondbacks need to get healthy and start winning if they are going to make the playoffs. | 11-12 | |
| 17 | Padres | -2 | Robert Suarez Has been nearly immaculate, 7/7 in save opportunities, and he's done so throwing straight gas: nearly all fast balls every outing. Would've loved to win the series vs Toronto, but on Sunday we saw a big day from Joe Musgrove, and Xander Bogaerts, who both have struggled early on. For Joe, he pitched twice this week, each ending in a quality start for him, and a dub for the Padres. Xander was 2/4 with a walk, homer, and a pair of RBI’s on Sunday. Hopefully for both, it’s a sign of them turning the corner. The Padres schedule has been a bit of a grind early on, the only teams they’ve played with a losing record right now are the Cards and Giants. They lost 2 of those three series (the other ending in a split). Makes me a bit cautious before the upcoming series against Colorado… | 12-12 | |
| 18 | Mariners | +4 | Two series wins and One of the Baseball Games of All Time away from a 6-0 week, and the Mariners have made a sharp turnaround on the season. The starting pitching has finally been what we expected, and Julio, JP, and Cal are starting to show signs of life on offense. Jonatan Clase has been fun to watch, even if I'd rather he still have some more time in the minors - perhaps Dom Canzone's face sacrifice to the T-Mobile Park Wall was not in vain after all. The next few weeks will be a bit of a gauntlet, but if they can weather that then they should be in good shape. Up next: 3 @ 2023 AL Champs, 3 vs. 2023 NL Champs. | 11-11 | |
| 19 | Tigers | 0 | A poor showing against Texas was followed up by a much stronger showing in Minnesota, capped by Casey Mize's six scoreless innings on Sunday for a win, his first since August 24, 2021. In front of a league-best bullpen so far (in terms of ERA and WHIP), Detroit has opened with an 8-3 road record and cautious optimism. This week: 3 at TBR, 3 vs. KCR. | 12-10 | |
| 20 | Pirates | -12 | farting noises | 11-11 | |
| 21 | Astros | -4 | The back of my baseball card says this team really sucks right now. Idon't think it's an overreaction to say that Jose Abreu should not be on a big league roster at this point, but I'm not sure management will do what is needed out of fear of publicly mistreating a once-talented and still respected (in the clubhouse) veteran. Definitely a tricky situation, amongst many tricky situations, for Joe Espada to handle to kick off his managerial career. | 7-16 | |
| 22 | Giants | +2 | The Giants had a winning week! Taking two from the Marlins and splitting 4 games vs the D’Backs and umpires, Giants fans enjoyed a relative power surge of homeruns that are hopefully a sign of things to come. Bad News: Blake Snell’s struggles continue, Alex Cobb suffered a set-back and is out until late May, and the team’s Katy Perry offense can’t decide on hot or cold. Despite the blowout loss to the Snakes, this was a series the Giants easily could’ve won and they’ve shown the ability to hang with teams projected to finish ahead of them. SF continues to play good/goodish teams this week with 3 vs the surging Mets, a blessed off day, and 3 vs the Pirates before hitting the road again. It goes without saying that these are the teams the Giants need to be competitive against to have a successful season. Instead of throwing numbers at you this week, please enjoy this Patrick Bailey Bobblehead Splashhit. | 10-13 | |
| 23 | Twins | -3 | We won a game last week, that was nice. | 7-13 | |
| 24 | Nationals | +3 | Well, here I go doubting the Nationals. After a pathetic performance against the Athletics, the Nats take back to back series against the Dodgers and Astros behind the unlikely arm of Mitchell Parker. Parker, who is filling in for Josiah Gray who hit the IL last week with a flexor strain, has been electric in his 2 starts and is continuing to make his case for sticking around. The Nationals are in the Bottom 5 for runs scored, so they especially need help from their pitching staff which has shown some unlikely heroes like Parker, Jake Irvin, and journeyman Trevor Williams. | 10-11 | |
| 25 | Angels | 0 | Well, we made it until the middle of April until the annual Anthony Rendon injury made its appearance. There is an added layer of irony this time, as he pulled his left hamstring while hustling-out an infield single to lead off the game on Saturday night. Rendon had been swinging a hot bat as well, posting a line of .357/.413/.411 over his past 14 games after starting out 0-for-19 to start the season. Losers of four straight while plating just seven runs combined in those contests, something like this would normally be an added injury to insult, but it's not like this team was going anywhere to begin with. No, it's just another dark, smirking irony for the league's most beleaguered team over the past decade. | 9-13 | |
| 26 | Cardinals | -3 | St. Louis won their final series at the Coliseum this week and arrived home to take on the Brewers in their first NL Central matchup of the season where they were reminded that they still stink. They sit 6 GB which is identical to where they sat this time (4/21) last season. The road isn't very forgiving for them this week with a visit from the DBacks and trip to Queens to take on the red-hot Mets. | 9-13 | |
| 27 | Athletics | -1 | 8-14 | ||
| 28 | Marlins | 0 | We didnt lose a series! yaaaaaaaaaay....however the offense still looks anemic. On the plus side our bullpen is finally starting to settle down. Well see how our rotation looks once Braxton is called up from his IL. Despite the offense still looking anemic arraez is starting to look like his usual self and bryan de la cruz is continuing to get on base and drive in runs. Well see if we can actually sqeuak a series win this week, but it aint looking all that likely since we have a 3 game series in atlanta and then we have the nats at home. Come back burger, the kids need their free whopper Jr. | 6-17 | |
| 29 | Rockies | 0 | The Nuggets played a normal first half for them. Goofed around. And then that switch flipped and they took over. Joker has to be one of the most consistent players to ever exist. Dude feels inevitable. 32/12/7 while almost looking bored is peak Jokić. Wait, Im supposed to be talking about the Rockies? It snowed on Saturday and that's the most interesting part of our week. | 5-17 | |
| 30 | White Sox | 0 | The White Sox set a 120-year MLB record by being shut out 7 times in their first 19 games. They scored 5 runs in the 9th in game 20 to stop that from being 8 of 20. The Sox highest ever FA (a whopping $75M/5-yr signing) is sitting on a 158/200/171 slash line, good for a 7 wRC+ (or 93% worse than league average). The starting catcher's slash line is 053/100/079, good for a -53 wRC+ (so bad it broke the system). It's okay though because of his defense....which is also the worst in the league, per Fangraphs. This team is not just bad, they're embarrassing. | 3-18 |
2024.04.21 19:09 Darthbutcher Mets Three Stars of the Game Wrap-up - 4/16 - 4/20
Boy, did I choose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue go out of town for a work conference. With seminars during the day, open bars and catered food at night, and getting sick for a day, there was little time to write the Three Stars of the Game, however I did manage to find another Mets fan and we watched the games together on our phones.
I am not doing full game recaps for this retrospective wrap-up because while I can spin a yarn about a game at a time, I am not prepared to write the next great American novel.
To summarize this week of New York Mets baseball, it seems that someone finally replaced the rum they stole from Jobu because the Mets are playing some absolutely dominant ball. We are 12-3 after starting off 0-5. We are tied with the Barves for the longest active win streak across MLB. We have crept up the offensive standings while still having the best ERA in the National League. And if you don’t love that, you don’t love New York Mets baseball.
Naturally, after sweeping the Pirates and taking a series from the Dodgers I expect ESPN to drop us in the power rankings and Michael Kay to say something like the Mets are obviously cheating.
1b. Okay well listen. A balk is when you balk the
1c. Let me start over
1c-a. The pitcher is not allowed to do a motion to the, uh, batter, that prohibits the batter from doing, you know, just trying to hit the ball. You can't do that.
1c-b. Once the pitcher is in the stretch, he can't be over here and say to the runner, like, "I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna tag you out! You better watch your butt!" and then just be like he didn't even do that.
1c-b(1). Like, if you're about to pitch and then don't pitch, you have to still pitch. You cannot not pitch. Does that make any sense?
1c-b(2). You gotta be, throwing motion of the ball, and then, until you just throw it.
1c-b(2)-a. Okay, well, you can have the ball up here, like this, but then there's the balk you gotta think about.
1c-b(2)-b. Fairuza Balk hasn't been in any movies in forever. I hope she wasn't typecast as that racist lady in American History X.
1c-b(2)-b(i). Oh wait, she was in The Waterboy too! That would be even worse.
1c-b(2)-b(ii). "get in mah bellah" -- Adam Water, "The Waterboy." Haha, classic...
1c-b(3). Okay seriously though. A balk is when the pitcher makes a movement that, as determined by, when you do a move involving the baseball and field of
2) Do not do a balk please.
submitted by Darthbutcher to NewYorkMets [link] [comments]
I am not doing full game recaps for this retrospective wrap-up because while I can spin a yarn about a game at a time, I am not prepared to write the next great American novel.
To summarize this week of New York Mets baseball, it seems that someone finally replaced the rum they stole from Jobu because the Mets are playing some absolutely dominant ball. We are 12-3 after starting off 0-5. We are tied with the Barves for the longest active win streak across MLB. We have crept up the offensive standings while still having the best ERA in the National League. And if you don’t love that, you don’t love New York Mets baseball.
Naturally, after sweeping the Pirates and taking a series from the Dodgers I expect ESPN to drop us in the power rankings and Michael Kay to say something like the Mets are obviously cheating.
4/16 - Pirates @ Mets - 3-1
I found the only other Mets fan at the bar during the 9th inning of the game - I had no service as it was in a basement venue - and he pulled the game up on his phone. We watched together and spent a lot of the rest of the conference together. LFGM!- Reed
RichardsGarrett is a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one. Earning his second win of the season, he only allowed 1 hit over 2 innings while striking out 6 batters - an absolutely dominant performance. He threw 31 pitches before getting the cane. If he is able to maintain this performance across the season, he is an absolute case study for our pitching lab and a go-to validator for why pitchers should want to join our organization for a second shot of a career and a big contract. Those 2 innings he threw were crucial to our victory, earning him a first star. - Jose Quintana had his work cut out for him, throwing 93 pitches through 5, but still battled through it showing why he is amongst the best contact pitchers in the league. His line for the night was 5 IP 4 H 1 ER 3 BB 4 K. While he allowed our only run of the game, he still boasts a 3.05 ERA and kept us in it earning the second star of the game.
- Pete Alonso was the only Met with more than one hit. That alone earned him the only offensive star of the game. He also scored on a balk - rules below if you need a reminder. That’s it for the third star write-up.
- Honorable Mentions: Jorge López and Drew Smith threw 2 shutout innings combining for 3 Ks. Jeff McNeil hit a clutch double in the bottom of the 7th to drive in our final insurance run.
- You can't just be up there and just doin' a balk like that.
1b. Okay well listen. A balk is when you balk the
1c. Let me start over
1c-a. The pitcher is not allowed to do a motion to the, uh, batter, that prohibits the batter from doing, you know, just trying to hit the ball. You can't do that.
1c-b. Once the pitcher is in the stretch, he can't be over here and say to the runner, like, "I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna tag you out! You better watch your butt!" and then just be like he didn't even do that.
1c-b(1). Like, if you're about to pitch and then don't pitch, you have to still pitch. You cannot not pitch. Does that make any sense?
1c-b(2). You gotta be, throwing motion of the ball, and then, until you just throw it.
1c-b(2)-a. Okay, well, you can have the ball up here, like this, but then there's the balk you gotta think about.
1c-b(2)-b. Fairuza Balk hasn't been in any movies in forever. I hope she wasn't typecast as that racist lady in American History X.
1c-b(2)-b(i). Oh wait, she was in The Waterboy too! That would be even worse.
1c-b(2)-b(ii). "get in mah bellah" -- Adam Water, "The Waterboy." Haha, classic...
1c-b(3). Okay seriously though. A balk is when the pitcher makes a movement that, as determined by, when you do a move involving the baseball and field of
2) Do not do a balk please.
4/17 Pirates @ Mets - 9-1
I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch most of this game other than on statcast and the corner of my iPad screen while I was in various panels. This is based on a shoddy recollection of the game and the box score.- Luis Severino wants you to remember that he is an ace-caliber pitcher. With only the third time a Metropolitan has gone six and a quality start, he put up a line of 6 IP 5 H 1 R 3 BB 4 K 96 pitches and has lowered his ERA to 2.14. We can only hope that Sevy can keep up this production and remain healthy. A good Sevy makes for a happy fanbase. After starting with an ERA North of 5, he has now earned a first star of the game.
- Tyrone Taylor - T2: Judgement Day. Continuing to show that Stearns knows ball and had something going in Milwaukee, he went 3-4 with 2 RBIs, 1 SB, and a run. That’s pretty much all I have to say about the second star of the game.
- Brandon Nimmo was sad I hadn’t charted him in a while, so he went 2-5 with 2 ribbies to earn third star.
- Honorable Mentions: Darth Bader drove 2 RBIs and scored a run off a home run. Marte went yard! But he also did nothing else. López, Diekman, and Hartwig all had shutdown innings.
4/19 Mets @ Dodgers - 9-4
Yamamoto must have been like GOB Bluth after the game staring into the camera going “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”- Harrison Bader. He’s here, he’s there, he’s every fucking where! 4 hits, 1 RBI, 1 Run, 1 Stolen Base, and unfortunately 1 K to ruin his otherwise perfect night. He’s knocking a .333 BA and a .788 OPS as we all expected going into the season and definitely expected that first week. His defensive skills are also on display as he keeps having to remind Nimmo that he’s the Center Fielder now. Darth Bader earned the first star of the game.
- Francisco Lindor is back, baby! The lefty slump was kicked to the curb with a 2-run lefty long ball no doubter and then a follow up hit. He wasn’t done showing off after that, though. He also stole a base. To quote one of his heroes (nobody knows if this is true) “I’m thinking we’re back.” Second star, boom!
- DJ Stewart went to the grocery store last week and remembered how much diapers cost. That’s the only explanation for his insane run lately - .241 BA and a 1.031 OPS. If he was a qualified hitter, that would be the 10th highest OPS across all of MLB. He kicked the doors open on Yamamoto with a solo rhino blast in the top of the 2nd. He came around again with a just-too-short sacrifice fly to the back of the warning track in the 4th to bring Marte home. Going 2-4 with 3 RBIs and a run, he earned the third star of the game.
- Honorable Mentions: Reed
RichardsGarrett came in for Manaea after 5 IP and then threw 33 pitches to battle through the heart of the Dodgers batting order while only allowing 2 unearned runs and earning the win. Adam Ottavino made a rare 4-out appearance with 2 Ks. Starling Marte put 2 runs on the board himself and accounted for 2 RBIs. If DJ Stewart wasn’t our lovable Rhino, Marte would have likely snagged third star. Agree, disagree? Sound off in the comments! - Dishonorable Mention: Joey Wendle has to be some sort of secret agent. We killed off Luis Guillorme to bring on dEfEnSivE sPeCiAliSt Joey Wendle join the team and so far he has been charged with 3 errors this season, 2 of which game from this game. If we tossed him in the LA River, I don’t think anybody would mind. This is a one time stat that will hopefully never resurface.
4/20 Mets @ Dodgers - 6-4
- Estarling Martes had himself a day. During the off-season, I often said that a resurgence of Starling Martes was going to be one of the linchpins of a successful 2024 campaign and boy was I right. He was the offense. With 4 RBIs, a Stolen Base, and 2 runs, there was only one Mets run that was not due to him. He golfed a three-run bomb to the deepest part of Dodger Stadium to retake the lead in the 6th inning. Listen to Joely Rodríguez as we celebrate Estarling Martes earning his first first star of the season and welcome him back to dominant baseball!
- Francisco Lindor has gone woke. And by that, I mean his bat has woken up. Remember how about 4 sentences ago I said Marte participated in all but one run scored? Lindor drove in the other. After batting approximately -.300 from the left, he went 2-5 last night with 2 RBIs driving in Nimmo for the first run of the game and Marte for an insurance run, poetically driving in both the first and last runs of the game. Since the standing ovation, he has gone 11-for-33 (.333 BA) mostly from the left. Be better, Lindorks and weep as he receives the second star of the game.
- Edwin Diaz may not have walked in to trumpets, but he still saved the day. Up by only two runs, he replaced Jorge Lopez with Mookie Betts on first. He proceeded to walk Ohtani and then Freeman to strike out Tesocar Hernandéz and Max Muncy. Basically, that was the winning formula of the day; walk 1-2-3 and deal with the softer bats.
- Honorable Mentions: Reed
RichardsGarrett is making an argument that he should be our close on days where Diaz is not available. He’s also making an argument to be our long reliever. He’s also making an argument to become one of your favorite New York Mets. He narrowly missed third star because Diaz had the harder lineup, but he came in after throwing 33 pitches yesterday and still showed dominant stuff. Jose Butto may not have had his best stuff, but still continues his trend of having 0 wins on the season yet the Mets win every game he starts. Francisco Alvarez - he died for our sins.