Okay. Warning. Me and my bf have been together 5 years. I am currently 24 years old and i would like to be a mum when I am 28/29. He knows it and we always talk about it. He told me to stop taking the pill about a year ago because as we know it has negative effects for the body. We always are very careful when doing things. However a few weeks ago he c*mmed inside on purpose without letting me know. I felt betrayed. He told me: well we are not going to be doing things without trying to get you pregnant. I was shocked. My first instinct was think about the morning pill but he made me feel so guilty that I can’t even explain it. He also spend the days after with me 24/7 so it’s not like I had a chance of buying it (which would have had to be on his back since he would prob leave me if I took that). My period is still quite far ahead so I don’t know if anything has happened and I am pregnant. I feel so helpless I feel so alone. I feel this relationship has turned into the most toxic thing I have ever experienced. I wake up wanting to die and go to sleep with the same thought. I am extremely depressed and have only a friend who leaves very far but I am completely isolated. I told my sister and my friend it was an accident but it wasn’t. I know him and he said he did it on purpose. I just want to feel understood by someone.
Thank you

Okay. Warning. Me and my bf have been together 5 years. I am currently 24 years old and i would like to be a mum when I am 28/29. He knows it and we always talk about it. He told me to stop taking the pill about a year ago because as we know it has negative effects for the body. We always are very careful when doing things. However a few weeks ago he c*med inside on purpose without letting me know. I felt betrayed. He told me: well we are not going to be doing things without trying to get you pregnant. I was shocked. My first instinct was think about the morning pill but he made me feel so guilty that I can’t even explain it. He also spend the days after with me 24/7 so it’s not like I had a chance of buying it (which would have had to be on his back since he would prob leave me if I took that). My period is still quite far ahead so I don’t know if anything has happened and I am pregnant. I feel so helpless I feel so alone. I feel this relationship has turned into the most toxic thing I have ever experienced. I wake up wanting to die and go to sleep with the same thought. I am extremely depressed and have only a friend who leaves very far but I am completely isolated. I told my sister and my friend it was an accident but it wasn’t. I know him and he said he did it on purpose. I just want to feel understood by someone.
Thank you

Hey all, sorry for another post, I feel like I'm flooding this sub lately, but I'm really scared and don't know where else to go.
Last night around 9pm I made these chicken tenders that come pre breaded, but raw, like they're not precooked at all. Usually I air fry them at 370F for 26 minutes. I did just that, and when I pulled them out, each tender was reading over 200F with a meat thermometer at the thickest point.
I let them sit for a half hour, maybe longer because I was doing something else. When I went to eat the tenders, one of them felt slightly warm on the first bite, but the second one that was in the center was stone cold.
I instantly spat it out, and decided to just eat the other tenders that were there instead.
Since then, I have been very scared about salmonella poisoning. I drank a big alkaline water last night, and took 2 charcoal pills as a precaution.
I felt totally okay last night, but when I woke up this morning, after only 4 hours of sleep, I was dizzy, and had a bad gas cramp in my lower stomach/waist.
I got up and moved around for a bit, and felt better, so after a few hours, I decided to lay back down and get some more sleep.
When I woke up that time, my stomach was upset again, and this time I felt like I had heartburn.
I will say, I have IBS, and get acid really frequently. I always have to watch what I eat and drink. Like I can't even drink a ginger ale without it giving me acid stomach.
So I tried not to worry too much, until I started to have to go to the bathroom over and over again, and each time, it felt like acidic lava coming out, and at one point I thought I was going to have D*, but never did.
Around 7pm I was pretty panicked about all of this, and I started to get a headache, and felt pretty cold, like I was going to have a chill or something.
I know those are symptoms of salmonella poisoning, so I got really nervous after that.
I checked my temperature, and at the time, it was 98.3F, so totally normal.
As the night has gone on here though, the headache is still here, and my temperature has risen to 99.6F.
I did read that your body temperature is usually higher at night, and that's still not considered a fever, but I can't help but still be nervous.
It says online that it can take up to 72 hours for symptoms to start, and some other places even say 6 days before they start.
I just don't know.
I did eat dinner tonight. I was hungry before, so I take that as a good sign I guess. I was a little N* on and off all day though. It was extremely minor though.
I'm just worried about the headache, and feeling like I'm going to have chills thing now.
What do you guys think here? At this point it's been like 30 hours since I ate them.

Father (68) is on dialysis since 1.5 years, had a flare up of herpes zoster opthalmicus (herpes in the eye) which made his eye swollen so we took him to the dermatologist and told him explicitly that my father is on dialysis, he prescribed ointments, gabapentin and aciclovir, after the first dose my father started vomiting, hallucinating and body went limp like a drunk guy, Admitted him in the hospital they took him off the meds, took 6 days to recover 80% but they told us to keep taking aciclovir for the herpes, after coming home he started developing the same symptoms and today morning after only 3 pills of 800mg of aciclovir he's completely lost it again, barely can walk or talk, will admit him to the hospital and will keep you guys updated
If anyone has any knowledge on how to counter this please let me know, it can save my father's life. Thank you.
edit1: admitted him to the hospital as he was barely conscious drifting back and forth from a trance, in ICU at the moment, he was speaking a bit better in the ER, doctors will take a look, for now all parameters look stable except for high blood pressure which was controlled by tablets (nicardia10, prazopress5)

I read a lot here when people talk about how they prevent seizures, that it's important to take the medication on time. What does this mean for you? After my second grand mal (I have only had two seizures so far which were 3 months apart without any medication) and it was clear that I now have to take lamotrigine, the neurologist at the hospital told me: "Decide on a time in the morning, for example, 8 AM, and then you have to take it exactly 12 hours later. There are no excuses; it has to be on time every morning and evening." My neurologist, who is one of the leading ones in Munich, says he is more of a pragmatist and I should take it in the morning when I'm in the bathroom and then again in the evening.
So far, I've been trying to stick to the 12-hour schedule as much as possible. I'm still adjusting and not yet on the full dose. Once I already took my morning dose two hours late, nothing happened.
For example, this evening I am going to a concert where it will be difficult to take the pill exactly at 8 PM. Is it bad if I take it an hour earlier today? What are your experiences?

We last had unprotected sex on April 24th and took the Morning after pill straight away, she got her period on 1st May and it lasted a period of 7 days, She should have gotten her next period on June 1st but its nearly been 10 days late. She was extremely stressed out the past 2 weeks with exams and some problems in general, could that be a reason for a delay in her period, or is there a chance that she could be pregnant ? We didn't get a pregnancy test yet and nor did i suggest it as i don't want to add more pressure before she is done with her exams.

Background: 40F, diagnosed with obesity, PCOS, asthma, past with anemia, various mental health concerns. Had a sleep apnea test years ago that was normal.
Saw my PCP recently with concerns….awful, never ending heartburn even on drugs like Pepcid, so bad I’m throwing up during the day, getting heartburn from water and pills and waking up during the night gagging on stomach acid. Can manage on Prilosec, but I was concerned that PPIs are not good long term, but was told “Eh. It’s fine. See GI” so I have an appointment scheduled.
Then, I’m super concerned about my weight. I’ve gained about 50 pounds in a year without much change to my appetite and eating habits. That’s after 4 months on Wegovy where I ate next to nothing and lost 3-4 pounds when you’re supposed to lose that a week.
I was just told “Well you’ve just got to lose weight. I know it’s hard…” along with a referral to a dietitian.
I left crying and didn’t even talk about the shortness of breath I was experiencing because I just felt so defeated.
I’ve been experiencing shortness of breath for several months. I chalked it up to recovering from Covid, asthma, not being strict enough with asthma meds (they’re expensive), allergies, but it’s only continued to get worse. I’ve been working on small things to try to get my weight more under control (like always) in the meantime…
But….I noticed yesterday that I was really struggling to breathe. I got in bed and had trouble kissing my husband because I couldn’t breathe. I realized I woke up several times during the night gagging and gasping for air.
Woke up this morning, felt meh and ate something small, journaled and watched some Netflix. Next thing I know, I wake up four hours later after falling asleep upright on my couch, tv on, light on. I had a ridiculous headache, was very much tired and fatigued and my feet were swollen, double their usual size.
I felt scared and went to the ER to get checked out, worried about heart issues, retaining fluid…that sorta thing. My ECG and heart rate showed nothing abnormal on my Apple Watch if that is significant.
Long story short I was sent home with a referral to pulmonology (a call I’ll have to make) to see about sleep apnea or asthma stuff.
And here I am, looking at the test results on MyChart and I’m not convinced that there’s nothing wrong…especially since I’m just sitting here on my couch, same temp in here as always, sweating with a 100 BPM resting heart rate (elevated for me).
First…the BNP Peptile - EDTA plasma test was elevated. It was 247.7 pg/mL. Nothing I’m Googling says that is a good thing, especially mixed with other symptoms.
I was also told that my chest x-ray on my lungs looked fine, but my heart seemed a little large on the X-ray, but they couldn’t get that good of a look, but I shouldn’t worry about it. But the chest x-ray reading doesn’t seem exactly “normal” either.
And with the ECG. The world “abnormal” is mentioned a couple of times…and that doesn’t seem “normal”…but I’m not a doctor.
Please, please. I feel so defeated and ready to give up. I know I’m fat. But I am completely miserable. This can’t just be from being fat.
My daily medications include: Prozac, lamictal, Trazadone, atenolol (for anxiety, not high blood pressure), Metformin (I’m not diabetic; I take it for PCOS and preventative blood sugar management), Lipitor (small dose)….and I think that’s it. I’ve had my gallbladder removed in 2019. No other surgeries or autoimmune conditions or anything. No cancer history. Mom died at 50. Dad has had prostate cancer along with blood pressure issues with no diagnosis.
Willing to answer whatever questions needed, except my exact weight in numbers.

I may be late to celebrate his royal badness' birthday, but I did this to honor him. . Wedding Feast - 0:00/0:54 My Little Pill - 0:00/1:09 An Honest Man - 0:00/1:13 Sister - 0:00/1:31 Breathe - 0:00/2:01 All the Midnights in the World - 0:00/2:21 The Flow - 0:00/2:26 Extraordinary - 0:00/2:28 There is Lonely - 0:00/2:29 Don't Play Me - 0:00/2:48 The Marrying Kind - 0:00/2:49 Everywhere - 0:00/2:54 Noon Rendezvous - 0:00/3:00 Aintturninround - 0:00/3:02 Dream Factory - 0:00/3:07 I Like It There - 0:00/3:15 Da Bang - 0:00/3:19 The Same December - 0:00/3:24 Pretzelbodylogic - 0:00/3:26 When Eye Lay My Hands on U - 0:00/3:41 S.S.T - 0:00/3:42 Funky Design - 0:00/3:45 4ever - 0:00/3:47 Solo - 0:00/3:48 The Morning Papers - 0:00/3:57 $ - 0:00/3:57 Valentina - 0:00/3:59 Make Your Mama Happy - 0:00/4:01 The Latest Fashion - 0:00/4:02 Screwdriver - 0:00/4:14 Work That Fat - 0:00/4:35 U're Gonna C Me (MPLSound) - 0:00/4:36 Circle of Amour - 0:00/4:43 Illusion, Coma, Pimp and Circumstance - 0:00/4:45 Mr. Happy - 0:00/4:46 Dance 4 Me - 0:00/4:58 Dolphin - 0:00/4:59 7 - 0:00/5:10 Thunder - 0:00/5:45 Big Tall Wall v1 - 0:00/5:58 Van Gogh - 0:00/5:59 3 Chains O' Gold - 0:00/6:03 Chocolate Box - 0:00/6:13 . The Rest of My Life - 0:01/1:40 Feel Better, Feel Good, Feel Wonderful - 0:01/3:52 Strange But True - 0:01/4:12 Slow Love - 0:01/4:22 The Love We Make - 0:01/4:39 Housequake - 0:01/4:42 Wally - 0:01/4:44 Man 'O' War - 0:01/5:15 Sex in the Summer - 0:01/5:57 The Holy River - 0:01/6:55 . For You - 0:03/1:08 Teacher, Teacher (1985) - 0:03/3:08 If Eye Was the Man in Ur Life - 0:03/3:09 Teacher, Teacher (1982) - 0:03/3:36 What It Feels Like - 0:03/3:53 Violet the Organ Grinder - 0:03/5:00 Call My Name - 0:03/5:15 Cloreen Bacon Skin - 0:03/15:37 . Cybersingle - 0:04/2:43 Escape - 0:04/3:30 Damn U - 0:04/4:25 Another Lonely Christmas - 0:04/4:53 It - 0:04/5:09 Mad - 0:04/5:35 . Satisfied - 0:05/2:50 I Wanna Melt With U - 0:05/3:50 Like A Mack - 0:05/4:04 Anotherlove - 0:05/4:16 No Call U - 0:05/4:29 Let's Go Crazy - 0:05/4:40 White Mansion - 0:05/4:47 Glam Slam - 0:05/5:07 Sexy M.F. - 0:05/5:26 . Comeback - 0:06/1:59 Let's Have A Baby - 0:06/4:07 . Do U Lie? - 0:07/2:44 Witness 4 The Prosecution v1 - 0:07/4:00 We Gets Up - 0:07/4:18 Call the Law - 0:07/4:21 . Walk in Sand - 0:08/3:29 Strollin' - 0:08/3:47 Alphabet St. - 0:08/5:38 Big Tall Wall v2 - 0:08/5:46 The Cocoa Boys - 0:08/6:05 I Rock, Therefore I Am - 0:08/6:15 Holly Rock - 0:08/6:38 . Splash - 0:09/2:59 Way Back Home - 0:09/3:05 Kiss - 0:09/3:37 Dreamin' About U - 0:09/3:52 Good Love - 0:09/4:55 5 Women - 0:09/5:13 . Starfish and Coffee - 0:10/2:50 Pearls B4 The Swine - 0:10/3:01 What's My Name - 0:10/3:03 Walk Don't Walk - 0:10/3:07 4 the Tears in Your Eyes - 0:10/3:25 In A Large Room With No Light - 0:10/3:27 On the Couch - 0:10/3:33 Musicology - 0:10/4:24 Rockhard in a Funky Place - 0:10/4:34 Dead On It - 0:10/4:40 Slave - 0:10/4:51 200 Balloons - 0:10/5:06 . Objects in the Mirror - 0:11/3:27 Lemon Crush - 0:11/4:15 One Kiss at a Time - 0:11/4:41 Same Page, Different Book - 0:11/4:41 Hot Wit U - 0:11/5:09 La, La, La, He, He, Hee - 0:11/10:53 . Sarah - 0:12/2:52 Boom - 0:12/3:18 A Case of U - 0:12/3:39 Judas Smile - 0:12/6:33 Something Funky (This House Comes) - 0:12/7:04 . Marz - 0:13/1:48 Velvet Kitty Cat - 0:13/2:42 Da Bourgeoise - 0:13/3:23 One of Your Tears - 0:13/3:27 Silly Game - 0:13/3:30 Resolution - 0:13/3:37 Incense and Candles - 0:13/4:04 Lolita - 0:13/4:06 Moonbeam Levels - 0:13/4:22 I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man - 0:13/6:29 . Have a Heart - 0:14/2:04 Into the Light - 0:14/2:46 Gotta Stop (Messin' About) - 0:14/2:57 You're All I Want - 0:14/3:00 Thieves in the Temple - 0:14/3:20 I Will - 0:14/3:37 Hardrocklover - 0:14/3:42 Stare - 0:14/3:45 When You Were Mine - 0:14/3:46 All A Share Together - 0:14/3:47 There's Something I Like About Being Your Fool - 0:14/3:49 Everybody Loves Me - 0:14/4:08 Lion of Judah - 0:14/4:10 If It'll Make U Feel Happy - 0:14/4:12 The Most Beautiful Girl in the World - 0:14/4:25 Soul Sanctuary - 0:14/4:41 The Arms of Orion - 0:14/5:03 S&M Groove - 0:14/5:07 Planet Earth - 0:14/5:51 . Had U - 0:15/1:26 Tangerine - 0:15/1:33 Make-Up - 0:15/2:26 I Would Die 4 U - 0:15/2:59 The Other Side of the Pillow - 0:15/3:21 Old Friends 4 Sale - 0:15/3:28 Girl - 0:15/3:48 Why You Wanna Treat Me So Bad? - 0:15/3:49 When Will We B Paid - 0:15/4:07 Partyup - 0:15/4:22 Mellow - 0:15/4:24 Private Joy - 0:15/4:28 I Pledge Allegiance to Your Love - 0:15/4:41 Joy in Repetition - 0:15/4:53 The Dance (3121) - 0:15/5:20 I Wanna Be Your Lover - 0:15/5:50 Just as Long as We're Together - 0:15/6:25 Do Me, Baby - 0:15/7:44 . Dinner With Delores - 0:16/2:46 Soft and Wet - 0:16/3:05 Act of God - 0:16/3:13 Tell Me How U Wanna Be Done - 0:16/3:15 New World - 0:16/3:43 Free Urself - 0:16/3:47 Graffiti Bridge - 0:16/3:51 When 2 R in Love - 0:16/3:59 Rocknroll Loveaffair - 0:16/4:01 Breakdown - 0:16/4:04 The Dance - 0:16/4:45 Loveleft, Loveright - 0:16/5:00 Uptown - 0:16/5:29 Peace - 0:16/5:32 The Daisy Chain - 0:16/6:12 Sleep Around - 0:16/7:42 . Arrogance - 0:17/1:35 I Wish U in Heaven - 0:17/2:48 Life Can Be So Nice - 0:17/3:13 Dionne - 0:17/3:13 Wonderful Day - 0:17/3:47 Cinnamon Girl - 0:17/3:56 2 Whom It May Concern - 0:17/4:00 Sweet Baby - 0:17/4:01 Supercute - 0:17/4:13 Money Don't Grow on Trees - 0:17/4:19 Vavoom - 0:17/4:35 Nothing Compares 2 U - 0:17/4:39 High - 0:17/5:05 Girls & Boys - 0:17/5:29 Baby You're A Trip - 0:17/5:51 Wouldn't You Love to Love Me? - 0:17/5:56 Get Yo Groove On - 0:17/6:31 Positivity - 0:17/7:11 . The Morning After - 0:18/2:11 Tamborine - 0:18/2:44 Manic Monday - 0:18/2:51 Last Heart - 0:18/3:01 Jack U Off - 0:18/3:09 Fallinlove2nite - 0:18/3:12 Fury - 0:18/4:02 Don't Say U Love Me - 0:18/4:20 Now - 0:18/4:30 Don't Let Him Fool Ya - 0:18/4:34 Ripopgodazippa - 0:18/4:38 Jealous Girl v2 - 0:18/4:52 Jughead - 0:18/4:57 Little Red Corvette - 0:18/4:58 Witness 4 The Prosecution v2 - 0:18/5:02 Daddy Pop - 0:18/5:17 I Need A Man - 0:18/5:33 Trouble - 0:18/5:36 Eye Hate U - 0:18/5:53 Ain't Gonna Miss U When U're Gone - 0:18/6:01 Purple Rain - 0:18/8:40 Come - 0:18/11:13 . Lavaux - 0:19/3:03 Man in a Uniform - 0:19/3:07 I Feel for You - 0:19/3:24 Forever in My Life - 0:19/3:30 Katrina's Paper Dolls - 0:19/3:30 My Love is Forever - 0:19/4:11 Horny Pony v2 - 0:19/4:21 You're My Love - 0:19/4:23 Prettyman - 0:19/4:24 Goodbye - 0:19/4:34 Money Don't Matter 2 Night - 0:19/4:47 U're Gonna C Me - 0:19/5:16 Damned If Eye Do - 0:19/5:21 Adonis and Bathsheba - 0:19/5:27 We Can Funk - 0:19/5:28 Schoolyard - 0:19/7:11 She Spoke 2 Me - 0:19/8:20 . Gotta Broken Heart Again - 0:20/2:16 X's Face - 0:20/2:38 The Lubricated Lady - 0:20/2:39 Jungle Love - 0:20/3:03 Boyfriend - 0:20/3:08 It Be's Like That Sometimes - 0:20/3:19 Ain't About 2 Stop - 0:20/3:38 New Power Generation - 0:20/3:39 Crimson and Clover - 0:20/3:51 Boytrouble - 0:20/3:53 Compassion - 0:20/3:55 The Question of U - 0:20/3:59 Tip O' My Tongue - 0:20/4:08 Love and Sex - 0:20/4:11 Silicon - 0:20/4:15 What Do U Want Me 2 Do? - 0:20/4:15 Chaos and Disorder - 0:20/4:19 Life 'O' the Party - 0:20/4:29 Blue Light - 0:20/4:38 The Voice - 0:20/4:42 Anna Stesia - 0:20/4:57 Willing and Able - 0:20/5:00 Hide the Bone - 0:20/5:03 Beginning Endlessly - 0:20/5:27 When the Dawn of the Morning Comes - 0:20/6:16 Northside - 0:20/6:31 . Crazy You - 0:21/2:17 Shut This Down - 0:21/3:03 Reflection - 0:21/3:04 Baby - 0:21/3:10 Face Down - 0:21/3:17 Sexual Suicide - 0:21/3:39 Strange Relationship - 0:21/4:01 Silver Tongue - 0:21/4:22 Trust - 0:21/4:24 The Work, Pt. 1 - 0:21/4:28 3121 - 0:21/4:31 My Computer - 0:21/4:37 Sticky Like Glue - 0:21/4:46 Crucial - 0:21/5:06 My Tender Heart - 0:21/5:06 When We're Dancing Close and Slow - 0:21/5:19 Dear Michaelangelo - 0:21/5:22 Acknowledge Me - 0:21/5:27 Beautiful, Loved and Blessed - 0:21/5:43 Love 2 the 9's - 0:21/5:44 Bold Generation - 0:21/5:53 Get On the Boat - 0:21/6:11 Last December - 0:21/7:57 . New Position - 0:22/2:20 Interactive - 0:22/3:03 The Truth - 0:22/3:33 Do It All Night - 0:22/3:41 Elephants and Flowers - 0:22/3:54 Love... Thy Will Be Done - 0:22/4:07 2morrow - 0:22/4:13 Gett Off - 0:22/4:32 Props'N'Pounds - 0:22/4:35 1010 (Rin Tin Tin) - 0:22/4:42 Standing at the Altar - 0:22/4:49 The Sun, The Moon and Stars - 0:22/5:16 (There'll Never B) Another Like Me - 0:22/6:02 . She Loves Me 4 Me - 0:23/2:49 Sex Shooter - 0:23/3:06 Look At Me, Look At U - 0:23/3:27 Pope - 0:23/3:29 Raspberry Berret - 0:23/3:33 Love Like Jazz - 0:23/3:49 Breakfast Can Wait - 0:23/3:55 La, La, La Means I Love You - 0:23/3:59 The Future - 0:23/4:07 Horny Pony - 0:23/4:19 Annie Christian - 0:23/4:21 Train - 0:23/4:22 It's About That Walk - 0:23/4:25 Mr. Goodnight - 0:23/4:26 The One U Wanna C - 0:23/4:29 Hold Me - 0:23/4:36 Eggplant - 0:23/5:18 In This Bed Eye Scream - 0:23/5:40 All the Critics Love U in New York - 0:23/5:56 Rearrange - 0:23/6:11 Pink Cashmere - 0:23/6:15 . I Wonder U - 0:24/1:39 Everybody Want What They Don't Got - 0:24/2:08 Christopher Tracy's Parade - 0:24/2:11 Courtin' Time - 0:24/2:46 Papa - 0:24/2:48 Curious Child - 0:24/2:57 With You - 0:24/4:00 Something in the Water (Does Not Compute) - 0:24/4:01 Glasscutter - 0:24/4:40 Head - 0:24/4:42 Dance On - 0:24/3:44 How Come U Don't Call Me Anymore - 0:24/3:53 Running Game (Son of a Slave Master) - 0:24/4:05 Wall of Berlin - 0:24/4:16 Undisputed - 0:24/4:20 Muse 2 the Pharaoh - 0:24/4:21 Shy - 0:24/5:03 It's Gonna Be Lonely - 0:24/5:30 Billy Jack Bitch - 0:24/5:31 Cosmic Day - 0:24/5:39 Sexmesexmenot - 0:24/5:40 18 & Over - 0:24/5:40 Superfunkycalifragisexy - 0:24/5:58 Cindy C - 0:24/6:18 Gold - 0:24/7:22 . Horny Toad - 0:25/2:13 319 - 0:25/3:05 And God Created Woman - 0:25/3:18 She's Always in My Hair - 0:25/3:27 Check the Record - 0:25/3:28 Tick, Tick, Bang - 0:25/3:31 Promise To Be True - 0:25/3:38 I Love U in Me - 0:25/4:13 Darling Nikki - 0:25/4:14 Wow - 0:25/4:28 The Song of the Heart - 0:25/4:36 Strays of the World - 0:25/5:06 U Make My Sun Shine - 0:25/7:05 Automatic - 0:25/9:24 . Loose! - 0:26/3:26 2 Y. 2 D. - 0:26/3:49 U Know - 0:26/3:56 Skip to My You My Darling - 0:26/3:57 A Million Days - 0:26/3:50 Movie Star - 0:26/4:25 Power Fantastic - 0:26/4:45 Electric Intercourse - 0:26/4:57 The Ladder - 0:26/5:28 Blanche - 0:26/5:36 Hot Thing - 0:26/5:40 Push - 0:26/5:53 Everyday is a Winding Road - 0:26/6:11 United States of Division - 0:26/6:18 Ol' Skool Company - 0:26/7:30 Shockadelica - 0:26/3:31 . New Power Generation pt. II - 0:27/2:57 Madrid 2 Chicago - 0:27/3:14 Stopthistrain - 0:27/3:41 Whitecaps - 0:27/3:43 Peach - 0:27/3:48 Vicki Waiting - 0:27/4:52 Cause and Effect - 0:27/5:00 The Beautiful Ones - 0:27/5:13 Our Destiny/Roadhouse Garden - 0:27/6:25 2045: Radical Man - 0:27/6:34 Internarional Lover - 0:27/6:36 Time - 0:27/6:49 Joint 2 Joint - 0:27/7:52 Days of Wild - 0:27/9:18 . Betcha By Golly Wow! - 0:28/3:31 Te Amo Corazón - 0:28/3:35 Eye Love U, But Eye Don't Trust U Anymore - 0:28/3:36 Mountains - 0:28/3:57 Still Waiting - 0:28/4:28 Calhoun Square - 0:28/4:46 Da, Da, Da - 0:28/5:15 Stand Up and B Strong - 0:28/5:18 F.U.N.K. - 0:28/7:36 The Everlasting Now - 0:28/8:18 . Yes - 0:29/2:56 Martika's Kitchen - 0:29/4:21 Magnificent - 0:29/4:36 One Day We Will All B Free - 0:29/4:41 Guitar - 0:29/3:45 U Got the Look - 0:29/3:47 Erotic City - 0:29/3:55 Can't Stop This Feeling I Got - 0:29/4:24 Paisley Park - 0:29/4:41 Future Baby Mama - 0:29/4:47 This Could Be Us - 0:29/5:12 Walkin' In Glory - 0:29/5:14 Turn It Up - 0:29/5:23 The Greatest Romance Ever Sold - 0:29/5:33 The Sacrifice of Victor - 0:29/5:40 . Partyman - 0:30/3:11 Here On Earth - 0:30/3:23 Tictactoe - 0:30/3:38 Melody Cool - 0:30/3:39 The Ballad of Dorothy Parker - 0:30/3:55 Lauriann - 0:30/4:15 Sign 'O' The Times - 0:30/5:02 Dreamer - 0:30/5:30 Can I Play With U? - 0:30/6:39 Style - 0:30/6:40 . Ronnie, Talk to Russia - 0:31/1:57 Fixurlifeup - 0:31/3:12 Welcome 2 the Dawn - 0:31/3:17 Take Me With U - 0:31/3:54 Electric Chair - 0:31/4:08 No More Candy 4 U - 0:31/4:12 Emancipation - 0:31/4:13 Rock 'N' Roll is Alive! (And It Lives in Minneapolis) - 0:31/4:34 Right the Wrong - 0:31/4:39 Saviour - 0:31/5:48 Hey U - 0:31/6:10 I Can't Make U Love Me - 0:31/6:37 Controversy - 0:31/7:13 . Baby Knows - 0:32/3:18 So Far, So Pleased - 0:32/3:24 Hot Summer - 0:32/3:32 Pop Life - 0:32/3:43 Delirious - 0:32/3:59 The Word - 0:32/4:11 Cream - 0:32/4:13 1000 X's and O's - 0:32/4:27 Poom Poom - 0:32/4:32 Gigolos Get Lonely Too - 0:32/4:41 The Cross - 0:32/4:45 Free - 0:32/5:08 Shhh - 0:32/7:17 . Laydown - 0:33/3:06 In Love - 0:33/3:37 Emale - 0:33/3:38 This Could B Us - 0:33/4:10 Love and Sex - 0:33/5:00 Play in the Sunshine - 0:33/5:05 Still Would Stand All Time - 0:33/5:23 The Continental - 0:33/5:31 Bob George - 0:33/5:39 When Doves Cry - 0:33/5:53 Gangster Glam - 0:33/6:05 Le Grind - 0:33/6:47 Lady Cab Driver - 0:33/8:16 . Wherever U Go, Whatever U Do - 0:34/3:17 Dig U Better Dead - 0:34/3:59 Sexy Dancer - 0:34/4:18 Alice Through the Looking Glass - 0:34/4:18 Get Blue - 0:34/4:43 Dark - 0:34/6:10 Adore - 0:34/6:31 Feel U Up - 0:34/6:42 Purple Music - 0:34/10:58 . Black Sweat - 0:35/3:11 Underneath the Cream - 0:35/3:59 Y Should Eye Do That When Eye Can Do This - 0:35/4:31 Clouds - 0:35/4:34 Streetwalker - 0:35/4:48 Letitgo - 0:35/5:32 Chelsea Rodgers - 0:35/5:41 Love - 0:35/5:45 . Around the World in a Day - 0:36/3:28 Vagina - 0:36/3:28 Sea of Everything - 0:36/3:49 Diamonds and Pearls - 0:36/4:45 Here - 0:36/5:15 Hypnoparadise - 0:36/6:03 We Can Fuck - 0:36/10:17 . Yah, You Know - 0:37/3:10 Anotherloverholenyohead - 0:37/4:00 Scarlet Pussy - 0:37/4:19 Colonized Mind - 0:37/4:48 Future Soul Song - 0:37/5:08 Welcome 2 America - 0:37/5:23 Jam of the Year - 0:37/6:10 . Baltimore - 0:38/4:33 Somebody's Somebody - 0:38/4:43 3rd Eye - 0:38/4:53 I'm Yours - 0:38/5:02 Groovy Potential - 0:38/6:16 Black Muse - 0:38/7:21 . When She Comes - 0:39/3:45 Animal Kingdom - 0:39/4:01 Sexuality - 0:39/4:19 So Blue - 0:39/4:30 The Human Body - 0:39/5:42 The Last Dance (Bang Pow Zoom And The Whole Nine) - 0:39/5:36 Do Yourself A Favor - 0:39/9:00 . Under the Cherry Moon - 0:40/2:56 Dirty Mind - 0:40/4:13 Irresistible Bitch - 0:40/4:13 Dear Mr. Man - 0:40/4:14 Bambi - 0:40/4:23 Emotional Pump - 0:40/4:59 Lovesexy - 0:40/5:49 Scandalous - 0:40/6:15 . Zannalee - 0:41/2:43 A Place in Heaven - 0:41/2:57 Endorphinmachine - 0:41/4:06 Funknroll (Art Official Age) - 0:41/4:08 Funknroll - 0:41/4:10 Rebirth of the Flesh - 0:41/5:28 The Dance Electric - 0:41/11:29 . Avalanche - 0:42/4:24 Race - 0:42/4:28 Xtralovable - 0:42/5:00 If I Was Your Girlfriend - 0:42/5:01 Somewhere Here on Earth - 0:42/5:45 Wonderful Ass - 0:42/6:24 . Computer Blue - 0:43/3:59 17 Days - 0:43/4:00 The Max - 0:43/4:30 Right Back Here In My Arms - 0:43/4:43 Better with Time - 0:43/4:53 1000 Light Years From Here - 0:43/5:46 . One Nite Alone... - 0:44/3:37 Open Book - 0:44/4:59 Live 4 Love - 0:44/6:59 . Million $ Show - 0:45/3:10 June - 0:45/3:21 The Glamorous Life - 0:45/4:11 When She Comes - 0:45/4:46 Beautiful Strange - 0:45/4:56 Born 2 Die - 0:45/5:03 P. Control - 0:45/5:59 Possessed (1984) - 0:45/7:56 . Golden Parachute - 0:46/5:35 Possessed (1982) - 0:46/8:47 . She Gave Her Angels - 0:47/3:52 Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic - 0:47/4:19 Baby I'm A Star - 0:47/4:24 . Let's Work - 0:48/3:55 The Ball - 0:48/4:34 Friend, Lover, Sister, MotheWife - 0:48/7:37 . Spirit - 0:49/4:32 My Medallion - 0:49/5:07 . America - 0:50/3:45 Space - 0:50/4:28 The Gold Standard - 0:50/5:53 1999 - 0:50/6:15 . Young and Beautiful - 0:51/2:44 God - 0:51/4:02 Let's Pretend We're Married - 0:51/7:18 Temptation - 0:51/8:20 . 100 MPH - 0:52/3:30 The Ride - 0:52/5:13 . One of Us - 0:53/5:19 . Love or $ - 0:54/6:55 . All My Dreams - 0:55/7:24 . Digital Garden - 0:56/4:07 It's Gonna Be a Beautiful Night - 0:56/9:01 . D.M.S.R. - 0:57/8:17 . Pain - 0:58/5:57 . Art Official Cage - 1:00/3:41 We March - 1:00/4:49 . Insatiable - 1:01/6:39 . Revelation - 1:03/5:21 . Fascination - 1:04/4:55 Big City - 1:04/6:25 . Pheromone - 1:11/5:08 My Name is Prince - 1:11/6:38 . 1+1+1 is 3 - 1:16/5:17 . Eye No - 1:22/5:46 . Rainbow Children - 1:27/10:03 . Sometimes It Snows in April - 1:33/6:48 . Crystal Ball - 1:34/10:27 . Hello - 1:59/6:19 . When the Lights Go Down - 2:33/7:11 . Condition of the Heart - 2:45/6:47 . Family Name - 3:01/8:16

Hi so I got very drunk and had unprotected sex on the 12 of may and according to my Flo app it was the first blue day around ovulation. Took the morning after pill within 24 hours. I’m now 9 days late for my period and have absolutely 0 symptoms of PMS or spotting other than cramping which has been going on for about a week but as of now seemed to of stopped. I’ve taken 2 pregnancy tests yesterday and both have been negative. I know the morning after can delay a period I’m just wondering has anyone else experienced this it seems extremely delayed?

After an intense 2y relationship with my ex that probably has undiagnosed BPD, we broke off 3 months ago and went NC. I tried to reach out at some point to take responsibility for some of my actions but she refused to listen to anything I had to say and cut me off from her life completely.
At around 1 month after the break up I was very depressed and sad. I could barely get out of bed and function. She took the opportunity to send her pictures from her travels to Sri Lanka in an old WA grouper were both in to show how well she is doing and how happy she is. That broke me, seeing her doing traveling while I could barely live.
Worse part, some of my friends started hanging out with her even though they knew what happened between us and how much I suffered. They even invited her to a birthday party without even checking up with me whether I am okay with that as I was the one who has introduced her to them as those were my friends. When I told them that such actions hurt me and I won’t be coming to the party, they got upset with me because I am withdrawing.
Today I found out that she came to that party with her new BF that she found ~2mo after the breakup. I can’t comprehend how can she act this way. We had plans, talked about having children. She said that she can’t imagine her life without me. It is killing me that now, after 3 months from the break up, I am still devastated and depressed while she is in a new relationship, travels and hangs out with my friends (or should I say former friends).
I am actively going to therapy but this is getting to be too much for me. It’s 6 am in the morning and I still can’t sleep even though I took a sedative and a sleeping pill. The turmoil is stronger than the meds…
I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m starting to have suicidal thoughts even though I won’t do such a thing. But my mind is fried and exhausted.

Hi everyone, I did my second RDT with BetterU and I’m sick to my stomach. My first dose was 300mg, I woke up and had a bit of yogurt, then had my session 3 hours later and I spit into the cup.
Today was my second session, I woke up this morning feeling a little nauseous at baseline so I took my anti-nausea pill and skipped eating. Journaling went well, I was in the right state of mind. For today’s dose, I took 450mg which I swallowed.
Well, when I had my session, it felt like I was falling into an endless pit. I didn’t even know what a “k-hole” was but in that moment, I felt like I was getting stuck in one. The journey itself wasn’t bad (I’ve had a bad trip before) but I emerged from it wanting to be near my partner. I also transitioned to an open space to breathe better. I went in and out of consciousness and was just tired overall. But as the hours wore on, I felt more and more nauseous. I took more anti-nausea medication and it did nothing. I tried to eat 6 hours after my dose and had no desire. I just tried to eat dinner and I wanted to vomit and couldn’t continue. I just took a THC gummy to manage the nausea but I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to manage this better? Was it bad to do this on a completely empty stomach? It’s been 24 hours since my last meal and I feel so weak but I just can’t eat.
All I could think of today was I never want to feel this sick ever again. Oh, I’ve had surgery in the past and always reach negatively to anesthesia. I don’t respond to Zofran so I have a second line medication for nausea. That’s what I used today.
I requested a meeting with the psychiatrist but hoping for some advice, thanks.

Ik this is rlly long, if u don't wanna read, just read like the last 1 or 2 paragraphs
(Just encase) Cw: Literally being hopeless, mentions of religion, mentions of suicide, mentions of CAHMS, mentions of social services, mentions of overdose, mentions of gender dysphoria, mentions/implications of abuse
So idrk what to do with my life, I'm 13 and literally just feel so hopeless. Ik someone's going to call me an edgy 13 yr old, but I just genuinely just want to vent and get some help from people in a similar age range. Idk how rlly say this, so sorry if I say this in a weird order, or it doesn't make sense.
So, when I was young, I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I was an athiest/humanist and I knew what job I wanted and what back-up jobs I wanted. But at some point, I started changing my mind more and more and started having gender dysphoria and shit. At the same time as this my brother (with at the time, undiagnosed autism) started having arguments with my dad more and more often, and I remember this one specific arguement so well, like I can literally recal what happened word for word. My dad and bro were arguing again, so I had gone upstairs, and later on my dad sent my brother to his room (which is next to mine). As my brother went upstairs, he was still yelling, so my dad followed him up, and my mum followed my dad up, trying to stop them from arguing. I couldn't tell what they were saying, but I remember lots of banging and screaming, from my brother and mum and then remembering my brother calling 999. My dad had finally shut up when he heard what my brother did and went to his room (I think) while my mum took my bothers phone and started talking to them, saying stuff like "it's not abuse if her didn't touch him" (I'm not sure if he was hitting him or not, but my bro said that my dad was pushing my mum around when she tried to stop them). And later on the police came around and spoke to all of us, and now my parents r on a social services list thingy. My dad and brother have had arguments before (my dad has smashed and ipad on his head so hard that the ipad was literally bent and broken, and he's hurt him in other ways too, but I don't remember exactly what he did) but none of the arguments have had police involved before. I think that's one of the first times I started questioning my future and shit like that. (I'd like to add this was before I was in high skl)
I later on started having rlly bad mental health, like wanting to kms all the time, being so insecure that I'd suck in my stomach all day to look skinnier, and end up feeling sick in the mornings (I'm pretty sure bcs of this). Whenever I tried to tell my mum, I physically couldn't, like I'd get a lump in my throat, and whenever I tried to speak, it was just a lot of squeaking, so I would write or draw pictures instead. But my mum didn't rlly do much to help.
When I started secondary skl, I did my first suicide attempt by tried to jump off of a bridge that was over a bypass, but I ended up not being able to climb over the fence. After that I had around 3 weeks off of skl which was prolly worse for my health than it was good, because I didn't get to see any of my friends, and to hide the fact that I was constantly exhausted and mentally drained, I'd say stuff like "imagine going to skl". I think that's when I started wondering what the point of living was if humans just do tons of horrible things, and then still aren't happy, and what the point of life was if we're just going to get eaten by the sun. At some point, when I felt rlly low, I ended up turning to religion to give meaning to life, but after a while, I started questioning life again (I still believe in God, I'd just have to constantly remind myself that life was a gift from God, and that's why we should live it). Around a year later, I lost 4 of my best friends. 2, because we just stopped talking as much, 1 because her mum said we aren't allowed to talk anymore and the other because when me and one of her mates was messing around, I accidently pushed them off of a chair (ofc I apologised and even tho they didn't mind, she had a go at me). We ended up getting into beef and we just argued a LOT. Because I was insecure, hated myself, lost 4 of my friends, didn't see any point of life, was scared of talking to my family, was kind of a germophobe and thought a LOT of things were gross, I ended up trying to OD, but after I had taken all the pills I got really scared that I was going to hell, because suicide is a sin and if you can't forgive, you won't be forgiven. So I ended up calling 999, and waited 6 hours in A&E. While in A&E, the girl that was beefing with me started texting me, trying to argue, so I told her to stfu and that I was busy, and when she asked what I was doing, I told her I was in A&E (I thought telling her that would make her think like a normal human being, and that she'd leave me alone) and then she started asking me why. Since she was trynna argue over a stupid thing anyway, I told her what I had done, and instead of just leaving me alone, she started spamming me so much that my phone started lagging and freezing (I have a shitty Motorola, so it does that a LOT). So I was just sat in A$E, my phone buzzing like mad, while a nurse was hooking me up to one of those blood machine thingys. After that happened, I had 1 day off of school and now I had weekly check ups with CAHMS nurses.
I just realized there are some over details that I've missed out and idk how to add them in to what I've already wrote, so imma just add them now. -After my second attempt I started doing things like refusing to go to skl and arguing with my parents and at some point (abt a month after the od) I was refusing to go to skl, I was sat in out toilet room floor crying, lent against the door and outside my mum was yelling "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!" while jumping up and down. My sister was saying stuff like "Just leave her, she's only doing it for attention." and stuff like that (I was refusing to go to skl bcs I felt more insecure than usual, idk why, and was literally scared of ppl seeing me). Eventually my mum said that I could go to work with her, so I did. -After my OD, social services (or CAMHS, idk who) said that I'm not allowed to be left on my own for too long (with acceptations like waiting in the car while my mum is food shopping) -On Wednesdays, I go to a support group that helps you with ur feeling and stuff -When my mum found out I sh, she took all the sharp things from mine and my sister room (they're connected my an arch thing, with out a door) and my sister started saying that I'm not even depressed (I never said, acted like, or pretended I was) and she told me to stop being emo and that I was just being attention seeking.
Anyway, so now I feel like I'm just drifting through life, not rlly doing anything. I have friends but no besties or close friend. I don't have a job or any hobbies. Idrk much abt myself and idk what I want to do when I'm older. Sometimes I just go to my parents room and cry for what feel like hours, alone, and sometimes my mum finds me and hugs me. But I just feel like such an alien now. I feel like I don't fit in with anyone, I feel like I can't be me, I feel like I can't talk to anyone, I feel like I look different, I feel like I don't know how ppl are supposed to act. Idrk what advice I want, but I feel like the ppl reading this can at least know what advice I need. I've also probably forgot to add some other things to this post, so if anyone needs any gaps filling, just ask and idm answering x

So I had surgery just about a month ago to get a pain pump device removed that malfunctioned both mechanically several times but also had a tear in the catheter and so morphine and clonidine were just leaking into my surrounding tissues. Doc only wrote me for 3 norco 10s a day & I was so out of it after the surgery the pharmacy told me my insurance would only cover a week worth (21 pills) & I just took it & went home. Huge mistake. I had an appointment a week later & he wrote for 90 more. Saw him 2wks after that & he asked me if I wanted to go up to 120 after how bad I told him the pain & W/D had been. I just didn’t respond, assumed he thought I agreed to go up to 4 norco a day. At this appointment he also Rx’d me 10mg/hr Butrans patch and 300mg Gralise X 90. They did tell me Gralise would be denied, but said they’d follow through with the prior authorization needed. So I take all 3 scripts to the pharmacy that day & end up finding out he wrote the norco for 90 again & so obviously insurance wouldn’t fill it early unless he okayed it. The Butrans patch was also denied & required prior authorization. So I could get none of them. Next day I speak with the office & his med assistant & they said they’d work on it & get back to me. That was on 5/29 & it was the last time I have spoken with anyone in the office other than the front desk taking my number & telling me on 3 occasions they’ll have my doc’s med assistant call me back. I even emailed her twice as well and heard nothing back! I have been in a ton of pain & they never even followed up with the Butrans prior auth & so last weekend I just bought it out of pocket for $102! Even my pharmacist tried reaching out to the office & they never responded to her about any of the prescriptions either. I’m literally dumbfounded right now & even worse is I put another one of the 10mg/hr patches on early yesterday morning bc I had agreed to return to my P/T job. I tried calling the office a bunch this week & had informed them of my intention to return to work since last week. My calls were either ignored or I was told I would be called back. The norco will be able to be picked up on Monday, but will it even work at this point with the bupe patch? And did I f myself more by putting another patch on 2 days early? So I put the 1st 10mg/hr one on last Sunday, which lasts until this Sunday. Then yesterday morning I put on another 10mg/hr patch bc I’ve been in pain & feeling like I’m still experiencing some W/D symptoms too. I’ll probably just end up taking the 1st one off on Sunday, leave the new one on as long as I can with the norco and try to change it next weekend. And I don’t even know what to do short of going to the office to get any answers about any of the prior authorizations, etc. I have an appointment on the 18th, but I’m pissed. I mean if I didn’t fill the Butrans generic out of pocket, it still wouldn’t be able to filled. I told them I had to pay out of pocket in my email and in messages via phone. I’m so confused. My MRI came back a lot better than expected, but I can’t imagine that’s why I’ve been ignored for this long. Prior to this there was nothing to indicate there would be a complete lack of communication like this.
Any advice? And anyone who’s on the Butrans patch, how effective have you found it to be for your chronic pain? I appreciate any feedback. Hopefully the rest of you are having a much better weekend!

Species: Felis catus
Age: 3 years old
Sex/Neuter status: spayed female
Breed: domestic shorthair
Body weight: 11 lbs
History: major anxiety
Clinical signs: biting the fur off the tip of her tail and bit it down to the skin/bone and was beginning to injure the actual tail and drawing blood
Duration: started about a year ago; only started drawing blood/bit down to the physical tail about two months ago
Your general location: Texas
The vet gave her a prescription for 10 mg of amitriptyline. I tried with the pill form for nearly three weeks but she kept managing to spit it out and I couldn't get her to swallow it as she would throw her head around and pull her head back when I would try to pill her. Eventually, the pill coating would dissolve and I would end up wiping the remnants of the pill onto the roof of her mouth so she had no choice other than to slowly lick it off and take it. After about two weeks, she bit my finger quite hard and broke the skin. I got a pill shooter to try and help pill her and prevent her from injuring me. I had also started wrapping her in a towel so she can't wiggle around as much or try to push me away with her paws. The pill shooter went okay for the first day, and then it went downhill again.
I had the vet compound the amitriptyline into a liquid since I thought it might be easier on both her and me. It is still kind of difficult as she still throws her head around and clamps her jaw shut, but I can shoot it through her mostly closed jaw. She does foam at the mouth and drool everywhere for a while after, but she has done that from the first time I gave her the amitriptyline.
The problem is that she has refused to eat her food since I started giving her the liquid amitriptyline. It is only given to her once a day and I've been giving it to her in the morning. She is a VERY picky eater. When the cats' food formula changed very slightly (I didn't realize it until I opened the new delivery box when I had ran out of the other bag and the design of the bag had changed), she refused to eat for four and a half days due to the slight change. My two other cats had no issues with the change.
What can I do?
I am considering pausing the amitriptyline for a bit to set up some type of safe space for her to eat so she can eat knowing I won’t disturb her while she’s eating but I don’t really know how to. Because I know she likes low spaces (as in she prefers to hide under the dresser that’s like 5” off the floor rather than under the bed that’s like 8-10” when she’s scared). But, will she willingly leave the safe space once she’s done eating if she knows she’s going to get meds afterwards?? And I can’t do it before she eats because the taste of the med also makes her not want to eat. And if I pause the amitriptyline, should I wean her off it by reducing the dose down to 5 mg for a few days?
Should I try washing down the amitriptyline with some water afterward to help her get rid of the taste faster????
Please let me know if I can answer any questions.
For added context:
I have two other cats who also have daily medications. My oldest gets two different eyedrops in the morning and he takes them without problem. My second oldest is epileptic and gets anti-convulsants every night. I spent a month getting her used to eating in a crate because she is very evasive and I didn't want to stress her out by chasing her around every night to give her the medication. Other than that, I have no issues giving her her liquid medication. I am willing to do whatever I need to do for my youngest (who is the focus of this post) I just don't know what I can do. I can't really think of anything to make her feel more safe and comfortable with the whole medication thing.
Aa

this is a long read because i’ve been holding all of this inside since the beginning of the year and will probably delete this. i’m a young soon-to-be mom, fresh in my 20’s, just the typical story of getting pregnant at an age that is way too early.
i was on contraceptives as soon as i started becoming active with my then partner because my ex would always change the topic whenever i would bring up using protection so as much as i didn’t want to be on hormonal pills i took it upon myself to be responsible for both of our safety, yet somehow i ended up pregnant.
i’ve had my fair share of guys i used to talk to but none of them were ever serious, he was my first everything, and i mean everything talaga. first boyfriend, first guy na i introduced to my family, first kiss, guy who took my virginity, and first person that i genuinely loved not out of loneliness or a need for connection.
we were together for 11 months, oo hindi umabot ng isang taon because he cheated. we got into an argument that day and it was really heated pero we resolved it naman, i don’t know what the fuck went into his head para mag sinungaling sakin and sabihin na aalis sila ng kaibigan niya and iinom sila pero yun pala bar na pinuntahan nila and he approached a girl na he was attracted to while i was messaging him in the middle of the night waiting until dawn for an update from him. he did all of that while i had no idea, a day passed and it was new years, he made all of these promises na sana makasama pa niya ko ng matagal and for more years together pero nagloko pala siya the night before so it was all a lie. a few days passed again and after not seeing each other for a week and finally getting to spend time together he suddenly wanted to break up with me.
ayaw na niya daw ng responsibilidad pero he wants us to be ‘bff’ premium, no label with the perks of being in a relationship, fuck buddies. of course i didn’t know any better, mahal ko yung tao eh edi pumayag ako pero we both had an agreement na we will still try to fix things. it was tormenting, constant mixed signals from him and tsaka ko nalang nalaman na kinakausap niya yung babae he met sa bar pero he never admitted na he cheated on me with the same girl. i got blindsided while i gave up my self-respect and let him use me just because i was still in love with him kasi he wanted us to still be friends, he said i was a big impact in his life and that he still wanted me beside him. i was still hoping na our relationship was going to be fixed.
i wasn’t sober the first month of this year, tangina ikaw ba naman hiwalayan wala pa man isang linggo lumilipas yung bagong taon tapos ang lapit na sana ng anniversary niyo. and because of my alcohol consumption i eventually blacked out sa bar at my friend’s birthday celebration at the end of january after drinking way too many shots and got rushed sa hospital, and as if the breakup i was dealing with wasn’t enough i found out na i was almost 2 months pregnant with my ex’s baby.
i didn’t have a choice whether i can keep the baby or not, so much for being pro-choice bc that decision was snatched away from me by my mom. of course hindi ako ready, hindi kami ready ng pamilya ko, pero ano bang magagawa namin kung hindi tanggapin nalang kung ano yung nangyare? nagkamali ako so i should own up for what i did, pero hindi lang naman ako yung magisang nagkamali dito. so after being discharged from the hospital, my mother contacted my ex to talk to him and we eventually told him na i was pregnant since the beginning of december and we just found out lang when i got hospitalized. sabi naman niya sasabihin niya kaagad sa mommy niya, since he’s from a broken family the only person he could really tell was his mom.
a few days passed and i messaged and asked him for an update, he then got mad at me and started blaming me for everything and sinusumbat niya na hindi siya ready and paano daw siya kukuha ng pang sustento para sa bata, he eventually told his mom tapos nagusap mga magulang namin. my dad asked him to not communicate or chat me muna since they knew na he is the number one reason for all of the stress i was feeling. his family’s side didn’t know whether to tell his dad or not because natatakot silang tigilan siyang pagaralin, pero my family reassured naman na it’s up to them if they’ll tell his dad and that if may support man silang mabibigay tatanggapin namin kung anong kaya nilang ibigay samin, because at the end of the day ayaw namin umabot na tumigil siyang magaral.
after my hospitalization and our family’s conversation i eventually told my friends nung naka-pasok na ulit ako sa school, they were shocked of course pero they showed their full support, my ex got word na i told my friends then he contacted me saying na wala na daw siya sa picture kapag kumalat na buntis ako, of course i took offense sa sinabe niya bc he was specifically asked not to contact me for the time being pero he still went against my parents’ wishes just to show his ‘concern’, things got heated yet again and we had another argument which resulted in him saying na hinding hindi na daw siya babalik sakin and gaslighted me na he didn’t cheat on me (he still didn’t admit it) and i was not able to go to school again because of the stress.
pinalipas ko yung araw and kinapalan ko na mukha ko na mag beg sakanya na bumalik na siya pero siya yung namimilit na ayaw na daw ng parents ko na magbalikan kami, then i started bleeding heavily and almost lost our baby. what happened wasn’t enough na mabukas utak pati mati niya, my mom had a one-on-one conversation with him where nagmamakaawa na siyang buksan niya isip niya para samin ni baby and that she had to clear the air na inaantay niya lang na balikan niya ko pero that was also not enough kaya we just stopped trying.
kada linggo may nababalitaan nalang ako na nasa bar siya, di talaga enough na i was still processing our breakup and coming to terms with my pregnancy, literal na every fucking week may nalalaman akong ayokong malaman. from different girls, to different bars, from stories galing mismo sa mga kaibigan niya, umabot pa sa point na hindi ko na nakayanan and decided to dropout from college and because of that my friend told his friends about what was happening and madami pa kong nalaman literal na di na naubos mga nalaman ko. i got tired and took matters into my own hands and informed the people he would go to bars with about my situation bc i’ve had enough of hearing abt him na nagpapakasaya habang nagdudusa ako magisa.
there was drama where my name got involved and he got mad at me because of it. then i confronted the girl he was talking to while we were trying to fix things, the girl he cheated on me with. after months of being gaslit and questioning myself if i was delusional i finally got the confirmation na i needed, na he truly did cheat on me. he lied to his friends about when we actually broke up, he lied to me about the reason he wanted to break up was because he wanted to focus on himself, he lied about everything.
i confronted him as soon as i found out he cheated, of course another useless argument between us, him saying na “masaya ka na ba dahil may nalaman ka” and like as if that wasn’t enough sinabe pa niya na nagdedecide pa daw sana siya na balikan ako kaso hindi na daw, it really pisses me off how he has the audacity na ipamukha niya sakin na sinira ko chances namin na magkaayos ulit kami when he ignored my messages during the times i still knew nothing and i was asking if we can try again, and how he literally ignored how my mom was practically begging him to fix things between us. like as if that wasn’t enough, his mom has to shoulder HIS responsibilities, from expenses ko sa pagbubuntis ko whenever i have my monthly checkups, to setting appointments for ultrasounds na hindi naman niya trabaho pero siya gumagawa all while having not a single clue about sa mga pinanggagawa niya.
nag lay low ako after that, i was beginning to be filled with rage. syempre nag greet pa si gago nung birthday ko despite ignoring all of my messages calling him out on his bullshit because he started another argument with me, na parang wala lang akong chats sakanya kaya ayos lang na i-greet niya pero di ko nalang pinansin.
i have been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist since my hospitalization and was diagnosed with BPD, MDD, and bipolar-ii shortly after, although i cannot go through therapy as of the moment bc i know na we can’t afford it and ayoko nang dumagdag ng dumagdag given the situation my family is in. my doctor’s appointments were rescheduled to an earlier date because of the instances na sumasakit puson ko and he eventually reached out because napansin niya na hindi namin sila binalitaan about sa check-up ko. i told him to just tell his mom to contact my mom because i was already getting tired of communicating with him.
his mom eventually messaged me and asked what was causing me so much stress, i told her na i’ll tell her the next time we see each other and we both agreed. kaso wala eh, nung susunod na check-up ko yung ex ko lang sumulpot which is the first time na sumulpot siya sa lahat ng check ups ko so far, at first i didn’t think much of it kasi gusto daw ni tita na gawin ng anak niya responsibilidad niya kaya pinapunta niya magisa, even though we both agreed to see each other that day and talk. di ko nalang dinibdib, di ko nalang pinansin, pero my ex was starting to post regularly on his socmed accounts again. and i got really triggered seeing him live his life like everything was normal. i asked my mom if i can just chat his mom nalang about everything, she agreed na its the right thing to do since di sinunod ng mommy niya pinagusapan namin and so i told her every single thing that happened and everything i found out na she had no idea about.
the next morning my good for nothing ex messaged me and blocked me on almost everything, of course dahil ang kapal ng pag mumukha niya, he thought the reason why i told his mom was because i assumed na he had a girlfriend because of his stories on insta. he then suddenly started explaining himself na ate lang daw yun ng tropa niya and what not, pati mom niya nagchat sakin na inexplain daw ng anak niya na kapatid lang daw yun ng tropa niya, which made me very confused kasi i didn’t mention anything about him having a new girl. he then suddenly started saying na we wouldn’t work out anymore because the situation we’re in was toxic, and that he wouldn’t apologize after everything because he knows na i will always bring up what happened daw …
the cycle always repeats itself, i had to go back to the hospital again for an emergency checkup because sumakit nanaman puson ko after what happened. his mom accompanied my mom and i and we had a long discussion about everything. she kept insisting na her son will eventually change, all while telling us how hard its been on her part because she doesn’t know how to tell her ex-husband because they are not on good terms nor do they speak to each other, di naman daw siya nagkukulang na pagsabihan ex ko na gawin na niya yung tama, he grew up in a broken family and she does not want him to put our baby in the same position, she keeps urging him not to do the same thing his father did to her and their family.
after all of that i contacted him, kasi at this point i have nothing to lose anymore, literal na walang wala na ko. and i decided to give him the benefit of the doubt kasi naaawa ako sa dinadala ng mommy niya. i suggested na mas maganda if we talk in person kung anong balak niya para sa future ng anak namin and he agreed naman, he said through chat na at the moment he is committed in giving our baby a good life while supporting me so i had a bit of hope and expected something out of the conversation. we met up during my CAS appointment and finally had a conversation na we should’ve had months ago pero it lead to disappointment lang. wala nanaman, walang wala nanaman, he doesn’t want to try again, he doesn’t have any desire to try again, he doesn’t want to apologize, nor does he want to hold himself accountable for the all of the trauma and pain he put me through simply because i will have trust issues if we got back together, na lagi nalang daw akong magdududa, na mahirap na daw ayusin, na maapektuhan lang anak namin if we ever argue, that he had no feelings left for me. i asked him kung ano na ba nagawa niya to change the situation i’m in and syempre wala siyang masagot, i mentioned how he said na he was ‘committed’ to giving our baby a good life and what he means or plans to do and wala siyang masagot, i asked how he plans to ‘support’ me and he said na if busy ako i could just drop off our baby sakanila so he can look after her and napa-wtf nalang ako kasi ganun ba kababaw idea niya sa ‘support’. i asked kung ano ng na-contribute niya other than pain and stress and straight up sabi niya wala pa, ang dami niyang ginagastos which i see online and tinanong ko magkano na naambag sa pag bubuntis ko or para sa mga gamit ni baby and syempre nganga lang siya. and siya pa nagtanong bakit daw ako nag-expect, which is so off-putting kasi i am entitled to have expectations concerning our child and what he plans for our future?
it didn’t matter na i told him i was willing to forgive him for everything he has done so our baby can grow knowing that both of her parents are there together. it literally did not matter na i was willing to set aside our differences and make things work out between us and change what needs to be changed. none of it matters to him, and i have never felt so much rage and anger before in my 20 years of living because of his half-assed answer and sincerity. i have lost everything, from the reputation i built up in school, to the dreams i have to let go of, the opportunity to seek out the world, the chance to meet new people. maybe it is selfish for me to want to have a family after basically losing everything i built from the ground up, maybe it is selfish of me to want him to change and break the cycle. maybe it is selfish for me to want to raise my baby with someone beside me.
walang araw na hindi ko naaalala lahat ng nangyare, walang araw na hindi ko narerelive yung moment na nalaman kong niloko ako, walang araw na hindi ako diring-diri sa sarili ko pati sa katawan ko because for some reason i feel ‘used’ and ‘dirty’. i am in so much pain that i haven’t fully processed all while carrying a baby. i’ve tried just about everything to distract myself and keep my mind off from thinking about what happened to me. hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko sa sarili ko. i don’t know where to put all of this pain and anger inside of me, i don’t know kung paano ako babangon at paano ko tutulungan sarili ko dahil ginawa ko na lahat pero bakit bumibigat lang habang tumatagal?
i love my baby, i love the fact that i am about to meet someone new, someone i could pour out my love to and yet i am so afraid. i’m afraid na i’ll be a bad mom, i’m afraid of raising this child alone, the amount of guilt that i have bottled inside me is eating me up. because why? why do i have to go through all of this? why do i have to feel this immense amount of pain in the most vulnerable stage of my life as a woman? why do i have to go through hell while carrying my baby? my baby doesn’t deserve to feel the pain that i feel, my baby doesn’t deserve any of this and neither do i. i want to feel genuinely happy about this whole situation, but whenever i see posts online about pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, couples celebrating together for the life they created i can’t help but compare them to myself.
ayoko na ganto nalang nararamdaman ko, ayoko na hindi pa man nakakalabas anak ko nakakaramdam na siya ng sakit pati lungkot sa loob ng tiyan ko. this journey has been so fucking painful, how destroyed my self-confidence and self-esteem is, to feeling digusted by my own body and anything sexual, trying to deal with my mental disorders, to constantly having anxiety and ptsd, to being a lethargic mess because of pre-natal depression all while having to worry about the wellbeing of my baby and what the future holds for the both of us. it hurts seeing someone live their life like they didn’t cause irreparable trauma against someone, it pains to see how my baby’s father doesn’t seem to be excited or seem to care as much as i do. i can’t get over how unfair this situation has been, i know nothing in life is fair but what in the actual fuck kasi literal na ako lang talo dito, he can keep running, he can keep avoiding everything, seeing him live his life like he didn’t get his only ex pregnant, i keep seeing his posts about buying and selling expensive perfume online and him just pumping protein into his muscles in the gym using his mom’s money, hit up other girls, he can even switch universities and start over again which is a new issue i have to worry about because to me it seems like he doesn’t want to be associated with anything that ties us together and there’s the possibility of having to wait another 4 fucking years for him to be ‘applicable’ to pay child support since he’s still a student. he keeps getting away with everything and it has been frustrating to see him get his way and get what he wants all the fucking time habang di man niya cinoconsider wellbeing namin mag-ina.
i wish moving on and letting go was easy as it sounds, i wish i could forget about everything so i can carry this child in peace, i wish i wasn’t filled with anger and resentment because i hate it, i hate wanting to see him suffer as much as i am, i hate how i’m wishing the worse for him because this is not who i am. i’ve turned into someone so evil and spiteful and the fact that i can’t fully cut him off from my life because of different factors such as our families and our child’s right to meet her father. i wish in some other universe i am able to nurture my child inside my womb without having to cry my soul out almost everyday, that i could have been put in a better situation so my baby does not have to feel sadness and pain. i am not the perfect person, nor have i made the right decisions in life, my actions have led me to where i am right now yet do i really deserve all of this? will it ever get easier, i really need to know if it’ll eventually get easier kasi pigang-piga na ko. all i could ever wish for as a woman and as a mother is to be able to provide my child with a family and an environment that she deserves to be born and grow up in, lahat nalang pinagdaanan ko pero bakit pati yun pinagkakitaan samin, i will forever be stuck asking myself why my baby and i weren’t enough.

Hospital entrance was flooded with journos and satellite trucks. On top of that two protest mobs from opposite spectrums ready to rip each other a new one. Black-on-white violence is a prime cut after all.
MSNBC Reporter: "As you can see, masses have already gathered at the Inova Fairfax Hospital to express their disdain for violence that-"
Some two hundred mouths yapping total.
Black Protester: "You will turn this into a race war! Like you always do!" White Hooligan: "Shut the fuck up you no way inside, cops walled off the entrance for everyone other than ambulance. Which kinda didn't make sense, and I probably could go around to one of the many other doors, but... lack of drugs really fucks you up. Seriously, if you really gotta start, just stick to it.
CNN Reporter: "... led to a demise in just over forty-eight hours. It is a tragedy that has shaken the local community." FOX Reporter: "Our insider source states that the cause of death was not the gunshot itself, but a blood transmitted disease coming from one of the assailants.
This raises a very serious and important question: has the organized crime weaponized STD's against us?"
Nicole: "Excuse me, excuse me... goddammit! An actual injured here! I gotta get through!"
Drug withdrawal, seven hours on asphalt, and a cold fucked me all over. Didn't get a chance to look in the mirror so I can't imagine how I looked like. My steps couldn't be longer than a foot and it felt any random shove would break me in half.
White Hooligan: "... you're talking mad shit to someone whose gramps owned your gramps, monkey boy!"
My first obstacle: 5.6 blonde manlet (think Kylar with the physique of Crispin) in a leather jacket hiding a White Pride shirt, and a "STAY ON YOUR YARD" protest banner with a wooden bat serving as a pole.
N: "Dude, could you get out of my way? I'm sick!"
WH: "Fuck do you want!?"
N: "Get through!? I'm in a fucking emergency!"
WH: "Oh, so you with 'em? Race traitor, eh? You're supporting the dirty n-"
N: "-ice talking with such a... proud... uhh... warrior of our people. You must be... Heeeyyy~ that's a nice looking shirt under there!"
The moment I pointed at his chest, he hid himself like a prude bitch after losing her bikini.
WH: "Oh. Thanks, um..."
N: "I always liked the cross symbolism~"
WH: "Yeah, me too..."
N: "Makes you feel empowered by... God, y'know, the noble cause, the... the crusade... fight for your tribe...
WH: "T-totally man..."
N: "Hm, I think my photography teacher had one just li-"
Wh: "... listen babe, they're supposed to be an, uh, surprise. For when the ghetto boys start trouble, so uh..."
N: "No problem, man! I just have to-"

Cough Khef Sneeze

WH: "Yo. Girl. You good?"
N: "No, not really. I'm sick, this..."
Fake it until you make it.
N: "... this man was my friend's dad. I was there in the area when it happened, saw those gangsters driving away! I am the one who called the cops after shooting!"
Another Hooligan: "Oh man. I'm so sorry. It's such a tragedy to our people!"
I mean, I'm not taking much credit for it. It was like lying to a kindergartner.
N: "T-totally man! I was trying to pull him out of the car, got smeared all over with blood! And now I'm sick, I-"
WH: "Did you say blood?"
N: "Yeah? The black one? The one from the live-"
WH: "No way! He got you too!?"
N: "... he did?"
AH: "Shit! These motherfucking ███████! Afros! Fucking gator bait!"
And my lies got them riled up pretty good.
WH: "He splashed you with his black blood! It's got HIV and shit!"
N: "... black blood? Yeah, it pours from the li- wait, HIV?"
AH: "Didn't you hear? White guy kicked it because of the blood infection he got from the little █████ nailing the bigger █████ first!
Also, please stay away from me."
N: "... ah, yeah! Yes he did! I know! H-he totally got me! Look how pale I am! Shaking! That's why I gotta get to the hospital!"
So, like I hadn't just went through that before, I followed up. Amped them up so much...
WH: "First they're killing us, then our women!"
AH: "We gotta tell this to the boss!"
N: "... o-okay? Tell him? Yeah! Just do it quick, I gotta get in quick before that stuff kills me!
... wait, is that the fucking Mr. Whi-"

"GET THEM! ██████! FUCK 'EM UP!" "FUCKING █████ █████!" "██████ PICKING ██████!" "███████ WATERMELON █████ ██████!"

... that I may have started a small race war.

THROW CRASH SWING C R U N C H "Jesus Christ!" TACKLE

In some five seconds there was an all-out riot of people beating each other to a pulp.

PUSH

N: "Ugh... !"
I got away with only a light shoulder that sent me down to the pavement...

"EAT SHIT! STONE THE ███████!" "CHARGE!" "Wait-" RUMBLE RUMBLE "Hng... Kof!" KICK "Uhk...!" STOMP STOMP STOMP

... and while on the ground, I was nearly stomped to death like during a club fire. I just couldn't catch a break.

"Stop! Order!" "Dispatch! Shit just went FUBAR at Inova Fairfax! We need backup!" "Get off him! I warned you!" "STOP RESISTING!" "Taser. Taser! TASER!" PHOM TKTKTKTKTKTK "AAAAAAGHHH!"

But with cops busy and paparazzi scrambling, I could limp my way over to the doors like a rapper after taking eight shots to the back.

• • •

Inside same shit as everyday, except for the doctors barricading themselves or leaving through the back. It made the hysteric blondie at the reception even more obnoxious.
Jecka's Mom: "HOW IS IT A DANGEROUS ACTIVITY!? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! WHAT PART OF THE POLICY IS THIS!?"
Like she hadn't looked terrible right when it happened two days ago, now she was sulking in a lobby corner two bad jokes away from throwing herself off the top floor.
N: "Jecka. Hey, I... heard the news."
Jecka: "Oh hi you look like shit.
You did? So did half of the US. Good job."
...
N: "Oh come on... I am trying here. So-"
J: "The 'news' is on all the cables and radios. Did you sleep under a rock or something?"
N: "What the fuck did you just say to me!?"

...

N: "I got kicked out of home three days after graduation and nearly froze to death IN JUNE!
The second thing I did after waking up on the asphalt is spend my last dollar to rush to some blondie cowtits to whom I have NO obligations for!"
J: "Bitch, you still owe me a nailjob and a bottle of Addie-"
N: "FUCK YOUR ADDIES! Me! The uncaring sociopath! Doing something out of nothing more than-"
J: "-you put such an emphasis on the 'I'm a good person' part that only a horny dude would fall for that. You can do better."
N: "And that's all you have to say!?"
J: "Okay, wow, participation reward. My dad died and you 'almost' did. You're special.
Unless you're still not out of the 'ki█ling yourself is cool' phase, because I sure as hell am back in it."
N: "To get in here I had to start a FUCKING RACE WAR and my brain was nearly CURBSTOMPED by a horde of charging skinheads!"
J: "The backdoor's open, duh? Like ten of them all over the hospital?"
...
Alright fine, I needed to take it out on someone and you're the second best thing that came up this morning."
N: "You know what? Eat a dick.
I hope that with him gone, your life's gonna get fucked all over."
...
...
...

creak s l i i i d e e e sit

...
N: "So what are you two up to now?"
...

sigh

J: "Mom's talking with our insurance company. They somehow found a way to withhold the money. She..."
N: "... amped up on something?"
J: "Heroin in the toilet. Got three hours of sleep for all I know."
N: "Nailed it."
J: "... she says we'll need a lawyer. Problem is, if this goes to court we'll take a setback on our mortgage."
N: "Oh I can feel that. But weren't you well off before?"
J: "Like what? Saving up? We spent everything we had to appear a class above than we actually are. All that was left they pumped into the house or my allowance."
N: "So what's your first fallback?"
J: "Sell dad's stuff I guess. Tons of tools in good shape. No one will buy his shot up Bronco either so it's getting scrapped.
Besides money, I think it'll make things... easier."
N: "Now that I think about it, I'm glad I didn't keep anything after mine."
J: "Not even some necklace, or... ?"
N: "For better or worse, it's best to not dwell on the past too much. Just pop pills daily, smoke, get shitfaced. It works at making you forget."

chuckle

J: "Says someone who's been clean for four days already. How's the experience?"
N: "Fucking awful. I considered dying under that lamp. Little NOVA Match Girl. Tried to make the news, y'know? Your pops beat me to it though."
J: "You're a horrible, desensitized, untactful sociopath, Nicole."
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
J: "That's... the nicest thing someone has ever done to me.
Thanks."
N: "Mhm. Praise me more."
J: "Ah get fucked, pff~"
...
... but what's your Plan B?"
N: "Yeah, about that-"

JUMP

N: "-what?"
J: "So you want something from me!?"
N: "Yeah?"
J: "I can't believe it! You're... ugh!"
N: "Relax, I only need a drive."
J: "I swear, you're a fucking snake-"
N: "You're the one who told me to keep it transactional? Nothing's free, duh?"

sit

J: "I can't even..."
N: "Listen, I'm the homeless one here. And you're getting, what, a five hundred grand? Wait no, that's for elderly... two hundred?"
J: "Just one. With a high-hazard workplace he was insured since 21, but now that he's gone just barely after 40..."
N: "I'm sure you'll get that payout in no time. If my hag kicks the bucket, which I'd love to see, I'll have to wait until I'm 35 for my trust fund."
J: "That's still better than getting screwed over by an army of lawyers when you can't get even one..."
...
...
...
N: "So we're going or not?"
J: "Bitch!? Did you forget I smashed my car while saving your sorry ass? Radiator, oil pump, everything's busted!"
N: "So take your mom's?"
J: "Fuck, she's gonna kill me..."
N: "You're doing her a favor. Not even I would risk the wheel on the hard stuff."
J: "You don't drive in the first place."
N: "Because I have you?"
...
...
...
J: "Ah fuck it.
I can't take this place anymore. She screams I have to sit here to help her but can't actually do anything. She's so cracked that after the kitchen incident I'm honestly... not trying. Made me a fucking Princess Peach.
...
Whatever, she'll burn that crackhead power on walking home."
N: "That's the spirit. Let's unwind you a little."
J: "Yeah. Where are we going?"
N: "Lake Royal."

• • •

J: "Just what exactly are you looking for?"
N: "A big ass tree with two coke cans nailed on a branch. I also took a photo but phone's dead, so.."
J: "Way to mark your treasure for some junkie, huh."
N: "Those are the cul-de-sacs, homeless are chased out harder than Mexicans crossing the border."
J: "And why the tire iron?"
N: "Because I need something to dig with and your mom doesn't have a shovel in her trunk like a normal person?"
J: "Why would an equivalent of a soccer mom need one anyway? Those tires never touched a gravel path, let alone gone off-road."
N: "Whatever... there! The cans are still up there!"

rustle rustle ... SWING chop chop crunch chop chop ... chop ... chop

N: "A little help here?"
J: "You do that shit. Clean it up like that flower pot."
N: "Now that's low. It was just some dirt, move on, like who cares-"
J: "Alright, unwinded, going back. Maybe mom won't even notice I took her wheels..."
N: "No wait! You at least gotta see this!"

crack chop stretch ... streeetch ... streeeeetch

N: "Payoff... is gonna be huge! Ngh!"
J: "Goddammit, not only are you flatter than me but you're also built like Jeffrey. Give me that."

STREEEEETCH "Nnnnnghh!" POP CRUNCH

N: "Oh yeah! I still don't know how I put it under that root. Box's still intact."

c r e a k

J: "So wa'cha got there? Retirement fund or-"
...
J: "You brought me here to dig up a COKE STASH!?!?"
N: "Shut it! Nobody has to hear this!"
J: "Yeah, no they shouldn't! We're in the middle of a 'white-moms-walking-dogs' park! There are people doing BBQ behind this treeline! This should be done in the middle of night in balaclavas or something!"
N: "If I brought you one and told what we're doing would you actually agree?"
J: "Fuck!"
N: "Shit got wet though, it's like a gooey dough... maybe I just need to run it with a hairdryer? Damn, can coke rot in the first place? "
J: "I don't care if coke can rot in the first place... fuck, fuck, FUCK! Haaa... aaah... !"
N: "Dude, you're hyperventilating. Chill out."
J: "How the FUCK am I supposed to chill out!? This is the same stuff you made me cook crack with!
Fuck, even the package is still the MS-13 one!"
N: "I know. Should've gotten it all into zip-bags but I was in a hurry... yeah it's a lost cause.
What a waste."
J: "This is LITERALLY our neighborhood! You don't shit where you eat! Even Breaking Bad got that part right!"
N: "That's for the actual deals. Hiding your rocks is like store robberies. Guys start out far away and then get bolder until the trail leads to their home. Flip it, and the cops lose their head.
J: "Where the fuck do you learn all of this stuff!?"
N: "I googled it? Like how to freebase in the first place?"
J: "... no, no, no, no... you are NOT getting me into another PG county drug deal! Ah shit!"
N: "There's nothing to make rocks on in the first place, so no... but there's this.
Cha-ching madafaka."

4100$

N: "Okay, let's bounce before anyone comes sniffing around."
J: "What about this then?"
...

grab step stepstepstepstepstepstep ... s w o o p ... ... ... S P L O O S H

J: "YOU THREW A POUND OF COKE INTO A FUCKING PARK LAKE!?"

N: "Louder! Call it by full name while you're at it!"

• • •

N: "It was like just a third anyway. Most was just moisture."

swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe stack tap tap

J: "Two hundred for me and we're even."
N: "Oh come on, that's a terrorist level extortion!"
J: "Two. Hundred.
That or no car."
...
N: "Fine... so, two hundred... plus my wallet I got through bro, how unexpectedly kind of him."
J: "Except for that Dorito grease on his fingers.
I almost threw up."
N: "Mhm, plus whatever's on my account. Mom fucking cut the card in half and put it back in."
J: "That's bitchy."
N: "Minus...
... clonidine and methadone. Supply for two months."
J: "So you're going clean?"
...

sigh

N: "Like guys trying to stop jacking off, I'm lucky to get a four days streak. Might as well try to commit."
J: "So you get-"
N: "Forty hundred seventy two, and ninety two cents."
J: "Damn, you're broke as fuck."
N: "I can't imagine living on two grand with rent already paid and... aaagh, I'm fucked so bad.
... I should just sell myself on the internet."
J: "Listen, I'd be down for housing you. Like, a grand could do, but-"
N: "But... ?"
J: "Mom's still tripping on heroin! She sent me NINETEEN texts already and called SEVEN times before that!
Look at this shit!"

beep

...
N: "That is seriously fucked up."
J: "Yeah! And I don't think I'll survive picking her up and a ride back to the house!"
N: "I still need to come up with something for myself though..."
...
_ _ _ _ _
⚠️BRANCHING STORYLINE CHOICE ⚠️

1. Live in a gym full of steroid jocks.

2. Move to a black hood in PG county.

3. Wh*re yourself for a place to sleep.

• • •
Voting will happen in the following hours on a separate post and will be active for the next 48h. I will also take comments from both here and two (Official and Nicoleism) Discord servers into consideration.
edit: THE VOTE LINK
https://www.reddit.com/Classof09Game/comments/1dbf4bb/pipelined_nicole_goes_to_us_marines_story/

Myself (31f) my partner (33m) and our 2yo live with his dad (53m) and are saving to move out at the end of the summer. His dad's wife (50ish f) doesn't live in the house, she lives 2 hours away and visits most weekends. Let's call them Karen and Jerry.
(Buckle up folks this is gonna be a long one)
Back in April Karen and I had a couple of girls days where we went to get our nails done and hang out, which was pretty nice. I had never gotten my nails done at a salon before so I was excited about all of it. We had even made plans for going to a legit spa together for mother's day. Everything seemed great!
Then suddenly, she stopped speaking to me. If she did say anything to me she was very clipped and rude, and really just went out of her way to avoid me, and my 2yo, who adores her.
And then the microagressions started.
She started by moving random stuff around of ours in the dining room. We were in the process of switching storage units and decided to repack a lot of boxes that had been crushed due to being stacked poorly and moved around a lot, so, with permission from Ken, we brought in the stuff to repack. Well, she apparently didn't like that because we got up one morning and everything had been moved and shoved against the back wall... against the baseboard heater that was on. So we moved everything back and shook our heads and moved on. (She's done stuff like that a few times tbh)
Then Karen started parking in our parking spot. We live in the country with a big driveway and plenty of parking, but now every time she shows up she parks in our spot. This was not something she did before.
The next weekend Karen starts moving my bathroom stuff. We have a small organizer on the sink that holds random bathroom essentials that sits on one side of the sink, along with a few bottles of hair products and beard products, and my hair straightener. Jerry's stuff is on the other side. So Karen takes everything off of our side of the sink and puts it on the dryer, and puts her crap on the sink. Which she has done before but she always put our things back, but that weekend (and every weekend after) she just left it. Even after she packed all of her stuff back up she never returned our stuff to the sink.
In Jerry's living room we had toys for our toddler (that we had permission to have in there so she could play and hang out with her grandpa) that she repeatedly moved around and shoved into piles away from where they were supposed to go.
On Sundays my partner, his brother, and Jerry all get together with their buddies and have a fun time together usually playing music, drinking beer, and making some sort of meat on the grill, and Karen used to leave early on Sundays so they could do their thing and she didn't have to be around the drinking (shes an ex-alcolic) but now every Sunday she invites her kids and their friends over and demands Jerry do a bunch of stuff for her so he can't even really hang out with his kids or friends. He doesn't drink when she's around either (which is totally fair I get that) but she has wrecked every Sunday for weeks now. The one Sunday she got mad and left early she called Jerry's phone for 30 minutes straight. It NEVER STOPPED RINGING.
She's moved our stuff around in the fridge, shoving things to the back like our toddlers snacks that we clearly use multiple times a day. And this week she texted me and demanded we move everything we have on the porch because she's inviting family over for a BBQ and she wants the house to look nice.
She doesn't even live here!!
Every week Karen does something new to push things and she posts these nasty little things on Facebook about how disgusting we are and how we have too much stuff and how things are going to be done her way, but she's very careful not to say anything directly to us, and everything she does is when Jerry isn't around.
The thing I'm most angry about though is that she is avoiding my 2yo at all costs. Karen gets here after my kid goes to bed or whiles she's napping. If she's here and Jerry isn't here she'll either leave, or lock herself in Jerry's room while my kid yells "grandma? Grandma here!" Because my kid heard her talking or saw her car out the window and got excited to see her grandma. Like how do I explain to my 2yo that grandma is mad at me so she's refusing to spend time with you?? I had a narcissistic mother that used love and affection as a weapon and I cannot allow that bullsh*t around my child.
We know she's trying to get us to pick a fight so she can play the victim and con Jerry into kicking us out. But Jerry freaking hates her. He cannot stand her. Calls her a pathological liar and a narcissistic c*nt and crazy when she's not here, but does what he's told when she is here. (Which is extra funny because he's one of those alpha red pill dudes)
My partner has had several conversations with his dad who said "I'll deal with her" and every time things have gotten worse after he talks to her.
So we're stuck here until we have enough money saved up to leave and this woman will not calm the f*ck down. I don't know what to do at this point. If I tell her off the living situation is just going to get even more hostile until we leave. I dread the weekends now because I know she'll be here and will do or say something shitty.
I don't want there to be any issues between my partner and his dad because he actually loves his dad (can't relate, my parents are nuts and I've gone no contact) and my child loves her grandpa. But this woman is making me legit crazy. How do you get someone like this to stop?!?!

Hi, I 19F was broken up with (19M) in February, following my mental breakdown over SA (not by partner- nor was he aware of the assault) and an abortion (not as a result of the SA- bit confusing but the baby was my ex’s). He essentially said he lost feelings because of how hard it was on him and how my reactions impacted him (I took a lot of it out on him, but I was very ill). I can emphasise to an extent in that he’s been very sheltered his whole life and was very panicked and confused, but I’m the same age as him and, arguably, had it a lot worse.
I left uni, and haven’t spoken to him since our last argument. I never read or responded to his text sending condolences for the loss of my grandfather (march) and he hasn’t reached out since.
I can’t get it out of my head that we’re going to get back together. I keep picturing scenarios of us in the future and him apologising and us reconciling. I know it’s unhealthy and stopping me from moving on, but I can’t help but think this way. My therapist encouraged me to have a mediated convo with him, but I won’t do that if he doesn’t want to. I think he’s been filled in on what’s happened (I went to a rehab for SA survivors), but he doesn’t know the details.
Any advice on what I should do/ how I can accept it?
Edit: re abortion, as I know the topic is sensitive. I had taken the morning after pill within 12 hours, it was just unfortunate that I fell into the 2% chance of it not working. At 19, I felt I could not have a baby, but have suffered immensely for the decision I made.

I(25f)hated my mom since I was 20.She have been a problem towards me and my pops(72m)for the longest.She wasn't even the person that I thought loving and caring...but all of it was a lie.When my mom was a teen,she had went on a trip with her boyfriend(who was a drug dealer at the time).My mom's sister,brothers and other family members in the family had begged her not to go anywhere with him since they knew something isn't right about him.She went on the trip and came back messed up in the head(like she had taken some type of laced drug).Before that happened,she was an intelligent young woman who had a chance to have a successful life.
Now,my mom(55f)isn't where she needed to be.She have been given me hell since I was 11.She had kidnapped to live in New Orleans at the time and she was drinking most of time.Other times she sleeps with other men and I feel so disgusted when kids in my school grade bullied me because of her actions.Even one of the kids say that I'm gonna be like my mom in the future.I cried in school bathrooms and never interact with my classmates.I even got bullied by people who thought they were my friends.
I had been sexual assaulted by men while growing up.I was raped by an old ex neighbor at 16 and he paid me for the rape he caused.I couldn't tell my mom anything at all since she never listens and makes me feel like shit.I am hurt that she never gives a fuck about me but dick,money,weed and alcohol.She never be trusted on anything.
My pops had came and got me from my previous high school after the CPS had called him about the two choices:either I end up in a foster care or he take custody over me.He had chosen the second choice and didn't regret it.My mom end up going to the homeless shelter and then the mental hospital.She was taking pills to be normal and she was allowed to come visit me when my first daughter was born.My pops and I felt comfortable about having her back into our lives.But once she moved in the apartment to live with us,she ran out of the pills a year and 3 months after my youngest was born.She went back to that negative person I hated so much.
My pops really sick of her lying and terrible things about her.We both regret having her moving back to here and she refused to see any doctor about her health.Everytime I go to work either in the morning or night,I always be worried about my daughters(7f and 5f) and pops.She had threatened to kill my kids not once but plenty of times.My pops had my daughters close to him so she wouldn't try to injury or kill them.I even told my pops if anything happens to my daughters I will have not choice but to do damage on my mom and let my kids' father finish her off in the hospital.
Not only she finds some money,she will buy beer and drink it all up to help her sleep.I swear to myself that I will never allowed my daughters to see me in the same position that she's in.She also used my card up and pops card up for beer as well.The banks we're with will have a negative impact on the balance and she acts like she spend it in cigarettes(We both know how much she had wasted on beer daly).My pops doesn't watch her to drive his car while drunk either my daughters are in the care with her or not.She will spend 50$,100$ or more in a week.Then,try to beg for some when we get paid.
Pops and I are planning on sending her to the nut house and just abandoned her there.I don't want my daughters to be taken away from me if she ever does something she shouldn't be doing.I'm also planning on moving outside of the states soon as possible since my trauma haunts me daily and I wanted to go no contact with my mom forever.

This is gonna be a long one, so sorry in advance but I really can't TLDR.
General TW: mention of SA, mention of substance abuse
I guess I'm mostly just looking to vent. I've just been struggling with this a lot. I (f28) have been with my spouse NP (m30) M for almost 13 years. We are married, have a child (under 10), and have shared housing and finances. We were monogamous for the majority of that time but after years of discussing it and looking into Polyamory, had opened our relationship to be poly roughly 3-ish years ago. This is not an issue of poly-under-duress on either side, as non-monogamy of various natures was something we had been discussing after I had come to terms with my own bi-sexuality. (M has also identified as bi)
We have each had a handful of partners in this time, and I have tried my best to be a communicative and respectful partner and a cordial meta. We were originally practicing KTP and things were going well for a while. One issue came up with one of M's early partners- A. A had some problem and attitude with me right out of the gate. I just kind of brushed it off. I wasn't really worried about it till M had shown me what she had been saying to him about me, and it was all very disrespectful and childish. One thing that really stood out to me about these messages was that M didn't defend me at all in them. He just let her say horrible disrespectful things about me and apologized to her and begged her not to leave. I asked him why she was comfortable talking to him like that, and he said he did defend me, just in person. I don't understand why he'd allow someone to talk to him the way she did about anyone he cared about, (friends, family, spouse, whatever. This has never been an issue before) or why he'd beg a relationship that was only a couple of months old to continue.
Later M confided in me that A had done things like giving him the silent treatment for several days for not dropping everything to go to a weekend art festival with her and had pressured him into sexual situations involving her spouse that he wasn't comfortable with. after about 4 months of this and me saying I needed to be parallel for my own mental health after I blocked her, they broke up.
At the same time he was dating A, M was also dating S until S had a mental breakdown about how their same-sex relationship was a sin. He's had several other short-term partners since then but nothing really serious. I understand dating as a man is difficult, but I really didn't see this as some sort of competition to accumulate partners.
I have had a few different partners in the beginning, but formed connections with my two partners J (m37, 1.5 years), and T (m29, 1 year). I feel like M was jealous of my other relationships, but I made sure to set aside time specifically for him. no phones, just us. And I have done my best to communicate with him and make sure I am not doing anything that makes him feel uncomfortable especially in our shared home.
In November 2023 M had another connection fizzle out, and I knew he was feeling particularly down about it, so I made date night plans with him that week to stay in on a child-free night and make his favorite dinner together. I had work that day, and he stated he was going to be helping our mutual friend K with moving stuff around at her apartment. I had asked him to swing by the grocery store afterwards.
For context, F had reached out to me regarding K being SA'd while she had been sugar-dating and asked me to talk to her. K did not reach out to me, but I wasn't going to just not check on her after being told this because I know how traumatic it is. When I spoke to K she talked a little about the assault and vented about how she felt the need to purchase speed from her dad (who is her former SA abuser) in order to "ease the stress" of living with F. I told her she probably shouldn't be doing that, but she was convinced that because she was only micro-dosing and making a pill last a few days by mixing it into a 2L of soda that she had it under control. Afterwards I let her know she could reach out for help with whatever she needed. I told M how she was struggling and that I offered to help out and he said he'd offer help too. So it wasn't weird to me that he had offered to help move things around the house for her.
He had been sending me messages throughout the day and "helping her move furniture" was revealed over the messages to be getting dressed up, treating her to a moderately expensive lunch, going to a local bookstore, and walking around the mall to buy little treats.
We had always communicated about new partners before this point, and K was someone we had lived with previously and neither of us were really particularly happy living with her or spending a lot of time with her and her toxic behavior towards F in our space from what he had conveyed to me at that time (around 5 years ago). As far as I knew, we had only really maintained a friendship with K because of our longstanding friendship with her boyfriend F, who has been our friend almost as long as M and I have been together and would not break up with her despite his expressed displeasure in several aspects of their relationship he had come to M and I for advice on several occasions. (serious things like her weird attachment to her dad who again, had SA'd her, and how she had been threatening to move back in with him whenever F didn't meet her demands) So, you can see how I really didn't see this coming beforehand.
So I asked M point blank if this was a date with K, since he gave no indication of it beforehand. He said it was and that he thought he told me. I assured him he hadn't. He ended up cancelling our plans for the night by staying out with her till it was too late. I ate dinner alone and expressed to him how it was hurtful to have not communicated to me and then to have blown off our plans made in advance. He apologized and expressed to me how he would do better in the future.
That was roughly 7 months ago.
In those 7 months several additional hurts have been made.
-No communication before she started spending the night at our house and I had to hear them on multiple occasions having sex. One of these occasions being in the shower against the wall of my bedroom. (I didn't consent to that and it has seriously fucked me up in a huge way mentally. I have been clawing my way out of a massive depressive spiral since, and dealing with the death of my grandmother at this time did not help at all. This would occur 2-3 days a week, every week) He again apologized and expressed to me how he would do better in the future.
-I expressed not being okay with them having sex in the house and was expected to believe that all further noises I heard during her sleepovers that were still occurring on a weekly, and later reduced to bi-weekly basis were simply her normal bodily noises from her GERD. I included myself in this as well, if I had a partner over while M was home we would not engage in sexual activity.
-Every single sleepover involved her getting absolutely shit-faced drunk and/or high from MMJ edibles.
-He has left family gatherings and holidays for 45 minutes to an hour and a half at a time to go "talk" with her, In particular saying they were going to go get a drink from the gas station on thanksgiving.
-Kept me up late hours with the noise they make on nights when I had work, which again I am supposed to believe is all just normal passive bodily noises from her acid reflux, and the occasional instance of my cat knocking things over and definitely nothing sexual or her drunken stumbling.
-I expressed needing to re-connect and wanted a date with the two of us that didn't involve watching him text her. this turned into an expensive dinner with me listening to him talk about her.
-M had been leaving work early on a regular basis to drive her to things like doctor appointments and such. (1-2 times a week minimum).
-He forgot to get our kid up to school after I was already at work, and on multiple occasions just had a different family member pick her up so he could have more alone time with K.
-He lost his job. He says this is because of a technical error on one of the terminals he was assigned to wrecking his productivity on multiple occasions, so I was now the only income providing for our entire barely-middle-class no savings lifestyle.
-Asked my help in paying for an out-of-state trip with his best friend (using money I got from refinancing my vehicle. I had planned to use that money to pay off my credit cards and my lawyer I had needed for a recent legal problem involving a protective order, and to make repairs on our home) that later turned out to be a double date/ 4 day vacation. I was the only one working at this time. He swears he told me. He absolutely did not. He again apologized and expressed to me how he would do better in the future. (at this point we had a massive fight where I told him I am not a wallet for him to use to fund trips with his equally unemployed partner. I ended up moving all of my things into the spare bedroom and sleeping in there for several days)
-I have funded multiple dates through our joint bank account during his time being unemployed, despite expressing how I didn't appreciate it. (for reference, I work 60+ hrs a week and my check alone is barely enough to keep our household expenses afloat without paying for any dates- mine or his)
-She was constantly leaving laundry behind, like crop tops, bras, socks, etc that I was finding in my couch and mixed in with the household laundry. So I was literally washing her damn underwear.
-In April I blew up because their late night nonsense had prevented me from getting more than an hour of sleep before my 12 hour shift. I told him at this point that the sleepovers were over with with no amount of uncertainty and we fought about it again. I told him I needed something closer to garden party, I'm fine seeing her at holidays and birthday parties but that I really needed my space and the disrespect I had been enduring was not going to happen anymore. I included myself in this as well, my partners would not be spending the night anymore either. Even to the point that when T took me out for dinner and his car broke down I let him borrow my truck to get home rather than have him crash in the spare room because I'm not going to make a space where I can be accused of holding double standards.
After all of this occurred, I got a callback from HR at my job setting up an interview for a promotion I had applied for. Getting this promotion would mean roughly $4k more per year on my salary which would definitely ease the financial stress we were under as a single income household. Because we were no longer having sleepovers in the house when the other person was there, and my interview fell on one of my days off later in the afternoon we scheduled a date between myself and M for the day before. The plan was to have our date, M drop me off at T's apartment, M would pick up K to sleep over back at our house, K had work the next day at 10:30 (just got a new job) so M told me he would drop K off at 10:30am and pick me up from T's apartment afterwards- which was only 15 minutes away. This would give us time for the hour drive back to the house, and time for me to change clothes and drive to my workplace before my interview, about 45 minutes of elbow room in our time.
Communication was minimal that morning, which is normal for when we're with others, and it dropped off entirely after he said he was leaving the house so I just assumed he was driving. At about 10:40 I asked if he was nearby and if I should start heading downstairs, he hadn't sent me an update saying he was on his way like he normally would. he finally gets back to me around 10:45am letting me know that he had just dropped her stuff off at her apartment and was running late because her dogs needed to be walked and her NP, F, hadn't walked them before he left for work that morning. He still needed to drop her off at her job which apparently didn't actually start until 11. He did not pick me up until around 11:10am. we rode home in silence for the hour drive until we were pulling into the driveway and he said something about his tire needing to be checked on his way to get our kid from school. I ran inside, got dressed, ran back out and barely made it to my interview on time. (I didn't get it. Better luck next time I guess)
After the interview he had been in the next town over to get our kid from school and we were discussing over text how it absolutely wasn't okay to have changed plans without talking to me about it, and that someone elses dogs shouldn't have ever had priority over me or my time- especially since the interview for this promotion was going to make things better for all 3 of us as a family.
Well, during this argument I got a message from my sister in law C.
K had apparently blocked me but decided she needed to get the last word in. So she sent a message to C to give to me. It was around 10 paragraphs about how I am emotionally abusing M every time I've set a boundary and stood up for myself, asked for everything they put me through because of the open status of our relationship, am petty and jealous, imagining things, wished I'd have come to her instead of M (as if it was a meta problem and not him being a bad and uncommunicative hinge), and finished it off by talking about how she thinks I'm super hot and she hopes we can reconcile in the future.
I sent screenshots of it to M, asking what K knows about my marriage that I don't and it was the equivalent of pouring gasoline on a campfire. Our argument blew up bigger than it was originally, he dropped our kid off at the house after school and drove off. I was worried he was going to self harm after some of the things he said. He did eventually come home and talk to me. He apparently had no knowledge or input on her little letter to me, denied that he's ever called me abusive to her etc.
we ended up talking for about 4 hours and working things out that night. I let him know from that point on that I wanted full parallel, not garden party at all with her. this was a little over a month ago and I keep having nightmares where I'm forced into parent-trap type situations where he tries to force me to reconcile with her. I asked him for reassurance that he understood my boundary the other day and he did reassure me, but expressed how he was upset about it and doesn't really have time to see or talk to her as often anymore since he started his new job.
I'm in therapy.
I tried finding a couples therapy we could afford, but the few places I could find that would be affordable wouldn't see us, stating that my being in individual therapy is a "conflict of interest" for couples therapy. Which I've asked around on, and it's definitely BS, but I can't afford to get couples therapy till we get our financial situation ironed out.
We've been doing better over the past month, but I keep having this horrible anxiety like the other shoe is about to drop.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't feel right venting to my other partners.
I just miss actually feeling compersion.