I'm 27F and grew up working as a model/actor but when I got to my teenage years, I started growing womanly curves and the industry booted me out like I had never existed. It made me feel awful about my body, which led to YEARS of eating disorders, especially anorexia. At my worst I would starve myself for 3/4 days, sometimes would end up in hospital because of it.
Fast forward to my mid 20s and the modelling industry has changed, so I thought my curvy body finally had a chance to be accepted again and started applying to modelling agencies. Within a week I had an offer for a 2 year modelling contract and I was BEYOND thrilled. Modelling has always been my number 1 dream in my life, I spent my childhood flicking through Vogue hoping that one day I'd be one of those girls.
I've been modelling now for three years and this industry is killing me. Every casting or audition opportunity I get, makes me so excited at the possibility of 'maybe this is the job that will put me out there' and I come home feeling hopeful. To only be faced with rejection a few days later.
I've done some really cool modelling work but I'm not as big as I wanted to be, and often feel like I'm not good enough to model. Like I'm not as good as everyone else around me.
This BIG and famous modelling agency in my city wanted to sign me 2 years ago but unfortunately I already had a contract with this smaller agency so I politely declined but said I'd love to be signed with them once my contract expired. For 2 years I held onto the dream that as soon as I signed a contract with that agency, then my dreams would become a proper reality. I thought they'd want me again, but I was wrong. I have just applied to work for them and within a day received a very dry email saying 'unfortunately we wouldn't be looking to offer representation right now' and I'm in tears.
This industry is killing me, it started in my teenage years when I was made to feel like I didn't matter because I wasn't stick thin. And now in my late 20s I've worked SO HARD to make this dream a reality but honestly it feels more like a nightmare than a dream.
Now I'm left with this nagging feeling that I need to quit modelling in order to be happy. I'm not like the other models, I'm really down to earth, love being a goblin in the forest, and being kind to others. I don't see myself as the model type, but the little girl inside of me who used to dream of being in vogue is still very much alive and I don't know what to do about it all.
I'm exhausted, feel like absolute horseshit and that I'm never going to be attractive enough to "make it" in the modelling industry. And I just hate how it makes me feel, it's so unhealthy and fucks with my mental health big time.
​
So the big question is - is it time for me to quit pursuing modelling?

Hi everyone,
I’m new to this sub and to skin care in general. I’ve always pretty much washed my face and used a moisturizer like cetaphil after a shower and that was about it. I’m soon to be 33 and the last year I’ve noticed more fine lines/wrinkles, so I wanted to get on top of it.
I’m really not interested in a 10-step 100s of dollars routine, my skin really isn’t bad and I’ve never struggled with dry or oily skin or acne. I just wanted some basic tips, so I looked up what the basics are and saw vitamin C serum and retinol being recommended a lot for aging. I also started taking vitamins with collagen.
For retinol, I ended up getting a moisturizer from simply vital that also has hyaluronic acid. I read that you shouldn’t use vit c and retinol together and also that retinol can be tough for the skin to get used to (I actually feel like my skin looks a little worse since using it but I read that can be normal). I’ve been using the serum and moisturizer with retinol every other day so that I’m not using them the same day.
I also read on this sub that cerave makes great basic products, so I bought a night time moisturizer to put on after using the vit c serum. This is all a long winded way of asking - when using the retinol moisturizer, should I use the cerave moisturizer on top of it hours later, like before bed? The retinol moisturizer very slightly burns, and I was reading putting a thick moisturizer on top of JUST retinol is important for locking it in with moisture. I wasn’t sure if the same rule should apply and if doubling up on moisturizers is a good idea?
Sorry for the long post - I wanted to include all that I’m doing to see if it all sounds good generally but the TLDR is, if I’m using a moisturizer with retinol as a main ingredient, should I be using a more gentle moisturizer hours after, before bed, on top of it?
Thank you in advance!

I have been with my girlfriend for a bit over two months now, it’s been a short relationship thus far but everything has been pretty much perfect. We have very open communication, we’re both very affectionate and she’s the first person I’ve actually loved romantically. All of my previous relationships have been shit storms of stress and being cheated on so this healthy relationship is very new to me.
There is also the issue that we are long distance. She lives some hours away but I regularly make the drive to see her, she doesn’t have her license so she can’t drive to me unfortunately. But when we are together everything is perfect it’s just when I’m away my anxiety goes crazy. Especially because physical touch is my love language
I don’t think my girlfriend would ever cheat or do anything like that however I really can’t get out of my own head. It’s really just silly stuff that gets me all anxious. We have a slow day of talking? Anxiety. She looks at silly videos I send her but doesn’t respond? Anxious. A dry response? Anxious. We literally call almost every night and wake up on call to say good morning to each other and I still can’t get out of my own damn head. It’s so frustrating for me because I don’t want to be like that. I love her and I want the relationship to last and I feel like a burden with my anxiety just constantly going. I know rationally we need time we are not texting, we need time to ourselves and I don’t want to burn her out on me but I get so worked up. I do know a lot of my anxiety is fueled by a fear of losing her. I’ve never loved anyone romantically before and I don’t think I’ve ever been loved romantically before her, I really really do not want to lose that. The thought is so scary
I want to not be like that and I’m trying really hard but it’s very difficult. Any advice?
TDLR: relationship is going great but I still get extremely anxious about god knows what

Howdy gang,
Before I ask my question, if you haven’t played thru the 2nd arc of the game and gotten to the 3rd, aka if you haven’t dealt w the big bad villains of the game/big plot twist, DO NOT GO FURTHER. I can’t block out spoilers, so this is your last warning before you really run the risk of getting spoiled. Go play then feel free to come back lol
Anyways… I’m currently working on my third play through and I was revisiting some of Matilda’s character motivations. I wanted to hear yalls opinions bc I’m a little confused on what she may really think. I’m a lil fuzzy on the details just bc it’s been a min since I’ve gone thru the dialogue of her big reveal, but from what I’ve always gotten is that she os from Duvos and is loyal to Duvos bc not only is she from there but she’s tryna make a better life for her kids. I guess what’s getting me atm is that she also seems to have some kinda genuine concern for the ppl of Sandrock, which is totally plausible and would make sense considering how she’s been there for some time and has built connections. She can still be loyal to Duvos and care about Sandrock, that’s all well and good
But I guess I’d like to get more understanding on why she seems to genuinely go out of her way to help Sandrock despite letting things get worse would work better for her plan. For example, I’m wrapping up the construction of the Shonash Bridge and Matilda rallies everyone together to rebuild the bridge. Wouldn’t it just be better to let the bridge stay collapsed or to try and subtly sabotage its reconstruction to more quickly destroy Sandrock? Or maybe there are some smaller details I’ve missed?
Aside from that, I’ve also noticed how manipulative she can be or how using friendly relationships w townsfolk would be to her advantage. I’d also be interested in hearing what y’all noticed about that too
So what are your thoughts on that particular bridge incident and her overall character? How do you interpret her actions? I love dissecting characters and discussing motivations, especially when they’re not terribly cut-and-dry, so feel free to write a lot of you need to lol

This is a straight to the point buyers guide for people that are wondering if any of the AL ships are worth buying or not. I am here to give you an idea of what's worth, and what's not. I will rank them in descending order for convenience. Keep in mind that these are from my own opinions on the game: my word is not law. These are just my recommendations from my personal experience and a spur of the moment deal personally.

Best Pick: AL Montpelier

This is a premium version of Cleveland, the USN tier VIII CL. However, unlike the later AL premiums, AL Montpelier was unique in at least, a very minor way: She has tighter shot grouping due to a 2.15 sigma versus the standard 2.0 at the cost of slower reload at 0.5 sec slower (7 sec vs 6.5 sec). The result is overall consistent salvos, at the cost of just a little DPM that can be fixed with Adrenaline Rush and Top Grade Gunner, depending on how you build her.
Besides that, she also has un-nerfed version of radar, at a 30 sec vs 27 sec on Cleveland. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but if you run Consumable Enchantments and or Surveillance Radar Mod 1, you have a larger number that the percent based changes will take affect on. Essentially, with both the commander skill and 2nd slot upgrade, you get 39.6 sec vs 35.6 seconds on duration. So a radar build is not bad compared to Cleveland. Besides that, she doesn't have access to the catapult fighter consumable, but that is super seceded by radar and anyways so who cares.
And above all else, it is a Cleveland, which is IMO, a very competitively viable cruiser at tier VIII, with it's very small citadel, thin profile / narrow beam that leads to a lot of over-penetrations, good DPM, good concealment, and good AA. It really only lacks in the speed, gun range, and shell flight time problems, which can be remedied with skill and positioning.
As far as the commander voice acting, Rie Takahashi voices Montpelier. If you do not know who that is or do not care, and just want to know if the commander's voice is annoying or not, then be happy that she isn't overtly grating compared to some of the other commanders you can get. I find her rather composed, cool, and relaxed, fitting the trope of kuudere, if you even know what that means.
TLDR: Premium Cleveland with higher sigma, slightly lower RoF, Longer lasting radar.

Runner Up: AL Sovetsky Rossiya

This is a premium version of Sovetsky Soyuz, the VMF (Soviet Navy) Tier IX BB. Like Montpelier, she is slightly unique to her tech tree counterpart, bar being premium, by having standard battleship dispersion (USN, Royal Navy, German, etc.) instead of Russian BB dispersion formula that gets way better inside 15km. She does also have 1.8 sigma versus 1.7 sigma, for slightly tighter shot grouping. So, while Soyuz excels at mid range, Rossiya excels at long range, which does reasonably well considering the average high tier meta these days.
Other than that, you retain all the upsides of Fast action Damage Control Parties, the tough hull design of the Sovetsky Soyuz. The only other thing you DO NOT get is the AA, as she has the Hull A of Sovetsky Soyuz, and in turn has worse AA overall. In fact, she has such bad AA that only Musashi beats her out in having worse AA for Tier IX battleships. So yeah, CVs that know their targets will have free reign on you, so stick close to allies in CV matches.
Now a I'll be honest with you, Rossiya is not a super competitive BB at tier IX, so this choice is really just down to being different in few ways instead of blatant copy paste. Really, only AL Montpelier is the only super competitive option here. So above all else, Rossiya is a side grade if anything and you should not fear of having FOMO for not getting her. Besides, she's not an historical ship that is going to get removed because it was OP, so fret not (COUGH COUGH MUSASHI, COUGH COUGH ALASKA, COUGH COUGH MISSOURI).
Lastly, the commander is voiced by Manami Numakura. I can really only characterize her as cool, tough, deep voiced anime woman archetype. I dunno really how to explain it that well, so I apologize for anyone that likes her due to my poor description.
TLDR: Premium Sovetsky Soyuz Hull A with 1.8 sigma and standard battleship dispersion.
OK, with those two out of the way, I want to put a disclaimer here that the next ships are purely optional and not super worth it IMO and really only selected for being different than the rest, I.E. not something that is currently offered in other ships / premium ships already in-game.

Optional 1st Pick: AL Prinz Heinrich

This is a premium version of Prinz Heinrich, the tier VII german battlecruiser of the Ersatz Yorck class. She is a 1 for 1 copy of Prinz Heinrich: no special differences here besides premium benefits.
Now, while she is not unique in any way, she is not a bad battlecruiser for tier VII standards. This mainly comes down to the 50mm deck plating she has in a tier wrought with battleships with just 26mm of plating on their decks. Really, any tier VII battleship that has more than 27mm of plating is really competitive in this tier, simply because they don't get overmatched or full-penned by HE. It's sort of why Scharnhorst '43 is so popular and good, since she doesn't get chunked for 10k when hit by 15 in + guns (380mm guns for ya'll metric nerds).
Besides that, she's not slow as hell, going at a decent 28 knots, has 15in guns herself, has fast acting DCP, and is the first ship in the german battlecruisefast battleship line that gets that sweet improved secondary dispersion formula, which despite the 9km max range, means that she has free DPM to let the game play itself essentially. Combined with torpedoes, she can bum rush many slower and weaker battleships that the german battlecruiser line is famous for. And on top of all that, she also has hydro for better pushing to see torpedoes earlier, or push smoked up ships.
Now for some cons, the guns, while using battlecruiser dispersion have an awful 1.5 sigma, so your shot grouping is... bad. Do not be surprised if a lot of your shells in your salvo get a mind of their own. Besides that, she's on the below average end of HP for tier VII, at 56k. Also, she does have 25mm bow and stern. She does have a 30mm extended belt (colloquially known as an ice breaker), which is followed by 120mm extended belt, that protects the lower portion of the ship from overmatch bar 18in guns that she MIGHT face in the likes of Georgia, Sun Yat Sen, Musashi, and Tsurugi, and Adatara. Still, that doesn't mean she is immune from overmatch, as the odd shell can still get through her bow and stern and chunk you, so do not bet on it 100%.
Now that is for the most part, the review. However, for any true fans out there, they know that Prinz Heinrich from AL is actually a P-Class cruiser, AKA Schill in this game. Since Schill was a limited time ship that required whaling for her, and that wargaming dropped the ball and just did "Oh this ship has the same name! Here ya go!" then you know how much this kind of sucks. If you just like Prinz Heinrich, and want her as a premium, you can ignore this tidbit, but for any true fans that DO NOT have Schill, you're shit outta luck.
As far as commander goes, the voice actor, Hiyori Nitta, does a wonderful job characterizing a carefree and bubbly character. As previously mentioned, I recommend putting her on Schill if you really care about game accuracy, that is, if you even had Schill to begin with.
TLDR: Premium Prinz Heinrich copy-paste. Get it only if you really like Prinz Heinrich (the ship) which is actually pretty good for its tier, and want a premium version of it, or Prinz Heinrich as the character.

Optional 2nd Pick: AL Shimakaze

Hoo boy, this one might be controversial. This is a special ship (NOT a premium ship) of IJN DD, Shimakaze.
Shimakaze really needs no introduction. It is the old school torpedo boat that coined the phrase "Torpedo soup" or at least contributed to that phrase. It can put 3x5 23k damage, 12km Type 93 long lance torpedoes into the water. It has some of the best concealment for her tier, getting down to 5.6km surface detect, and good speed at 39 kts (42 kts when speed boost is active). It has been here since the games launch, and well, admittedly, or at least in my opinion, has seen better days.
Still, while some other DDs might have powercrept her a little, you can't mistake the fact that a well played Shimakaze can terrorize a team that lacks the tools to pin her down. Even if that is seldom the case most of the time (48% win rate on NA out of 8 million battles), the ship still has strong tools when played to it's strengths. 23k damage torpedoes are no joke... if you get hit by them at least, as they have a pretty awful average reaction time of ~9.35 sec (according to wows ship builder). Now, this can be sort of remedied with building for torpedo speed, getting torpedo tubes mod 1 and swift fish to decrease that time to ~8.5 sec, but that's still far above the average of 7.8 sec most torpedoes have in other nations. Still, if you get the right angle, devstriking a full HP battleship is not uncommon if you get a perfectly lined up shot. Thing is, it takes WAY more skill and positioning than you think it does, especially considering that most top tier players sort of know what they're doing, and that a lot of top tier ships can run hydroacoustic search these days.
Combined with the fact that she has some of the worse gun DPM of any tier X DD, and has fairly low HP for the tier, it can be fairly hard to play this ship unless you get just the best matchmaking ever. It's a real feast or famine type ship, which I would say summarizes most of the IJN Shimakaze line in general, bar maybe the mid tiers. All this really means is that Shimakaze is NOT the most competitive DD at tier X, as arguably many other nations have better torpedo boats, or better yet, opt for hybrid boats that can defend themselves fairly well, such as the Pan Euro DDs. Still, as mentioned earlier, if played to her strengths, she can be a good ship, but all I am arguing for is that she is not a meta ship, at least in my opinion.
Now, onto the whole Special Ship thing. Yes, this IS a tier X ship that can be bought for money. And YES, this is like the ARP Yamato deal, allowing noob whales to skip to tier X and forgo all the blood sweat and tears that goes into grinding to top tier. And YES, IT'S A SHIMAKAZE, THE TIER X NOOB MACHINE. I DO NOT HAVE HIGH HOPES FOR MANY AL SHIMAKAZE PLAYERS EITHER. With that out of the way, what benefit do you get for getting a special ship version of Shimakaze?
Well, to start, Special ships essentially have the premium bonus package already baked in, I.E: +50% Credits, +100% Ship XP, +100% Commander XP, +100% Free XP. On top of that, you also have a reduced repair cost compared to a standard tier X. Besides that, you can freely swap commanders onto this ship like a premium ship with no retraining required, making it a good trainer. These are the ONLY 2 reasons that make this ship more economically viable compared to Shimakaze. While the bonus package on Shimakaze can achieve 1 of these 3 effects, the other two, reduced repair cost and free commander swapping, puts this above standard Shimakaze as a result.
So, unfortunately, This is a slightly better Shimakaze. So if you REALLY like Shimakaze, and want a premium version of it, well, here it is, for a lot of goddamn money. Like $100+ expensive. Go figure ya know?
Also, the commander is voiced by Saori Hayami.
TLDR: Special Ship verison of Shimakaze. Take if you are a whale have a lot of expendable income to burn, AND really like Shimakaze (The ship), and or really like Shimakaze (the AL character).

Optional 3rd Pick: AL Yukikaze

AL Yukikaze is a similar version of the IJN DD Kagero, but with F8 torpedoes and no option for torpedo reload booster.
Now, this is the last of the semi-unique AL ships, as every other one has been copy-paste. Yukikaze at the very least is different in that she has F8 torpedoes. These differ than Kagero's choice by having less range, (8km vs 10km), higher damage (21k vs 20k), faster reload (104 sec vs 112 sec), and higher speed (76kts to 67kts) which also leads to a better reaction time of ~8.8 sec vs ~9.45 sec.
Now, does this make Yukikaze better? No, not really, as 8km is rather short range for high tier standards. It does make them almost break past ~8 sec reaction time with a full torpedo speed build, the best of any type 93 torpedo, but combined with the fact that it has no other differences in gun handling, DPM, HP, and consumables, I find this shorter ranged torpedo to be a high risk high reward setup, which already exacerbates high tier IJN DD gameplay further than it already is, being so heavily feast or famine.
I can really only recommend this ship if you really like Kagero for whatever reason and really like the 8km F8 playstyle. That and if you like the history of the ship and or like the character of the ship, voiced by Kana Yuuki, despite how annoying and self aggrandizing her character is made out to be.
TLDR: Kagero but 8km F8 torpedoes.
OK, now for the ships I really do not recommend at all for varying reasons. The reviews are going to be more brief from here on out.

Skip 1: AL Cheshire

Only get this if you really, REALLY want to get Cheshire right now. Currently, regular Cheshire is off sale, and cannot be obtained. For whatever reason you think you might need Cheshire, this is the only way to obtain her at the moment in AL form. Which more than likely means that if you want her, you are more than likely a fan of the AL character, as the ship itself is pretty bad. Kind of polarizing given that Cheshire in AL is pretty meta, and her in WoWs she's pretty solidly in D tier for competitiveness.
She is essentially a worse Albemarle, having no Spotter Plane, and garbage DPM for the tier. Really, the 9.2 in guns really only offer 59mm of pen vs 34mm, and better AP pen with overall flatter flight times, but not by much. The armor is Okayish, but trust me when you will get smacked through your bow and stern often, as you have a stepped citadel that if you get overmatched through either direction, you WILL get citadelled. While you get that 50% cit and hull repair party, it really doesn't matter that much when it happens so often, or you just get straight up dev striked. Combined with the lack of spotter plane, that 16km gun range will feel really short, especially when you are bottom tier.
You can at least be happy that the AA she has is up to par in how she is in AL, as it's best in class for her tier. Well, mostly, but her Flak Count is above average at 6+1, and combined with always having defensive fire, I recommend getting the commander skill Focus Fire Training, so you get that +1 flak cloud for 8 in total, which combined with Defensive fires flak buff, those flak bursts will do 7k a pop, Which is the equivalent to instantly destroying about 7 to 3 planes depending on the type if they run into it while DF is active.
Besides that, the commander is voiced by Shizuka Ishigami, and well, pretends to be a catgirl.
TLDR: Get this if you really really, REALLY want Cheshire and you don't have one, or because you really like the AL character.

Skip 2: AL Hornet

This is just Hornet. You can get her cheaper with a 25% discount coupon. It's also a CV, which I imagine is not everyones cup of tea.
The commander is voiced by Nozomi Yamamoto, and personally, I enjoy the happy go lucky characterization she has. This might be the ONLY reason you want to get Hornet, that or because you like the cool skin the ship has, and or the free 10 point commander.
TLDR: Get regular Hornet with 25% discount. ONLY buy this if you love AL Hornet (the character) to pieces.

Skip 3 & 4: AL Azuma and AL Agir

These two are just Agir and Azuma, coal ships, that you can get absolutely for free. They are also not really the best Tier IX cruisers anyways, as Azuma is super vulnerable to battleships, and Agir doesn't match up to the likes of other large cruisers at this tier.
That said, I can only imagine you getting these ships for the same reasons for Hornet, and that is because you are a fan of the AL characterization of these ships, as Azuma is voiced by Kiyono Yasuno, and Agir, Ayane Sakura. Or you just like the ship skins.
TLDR: Get Azuma and or Agir for free with Coal. ONLY buy this if you love AL Agir / AL Azuma (the characters).

BONUS: Commander Pack

Hahaha no. Unless you really love AL and don't mind by dropping... looks at price... 100$+ USD and getting a ton of fully voiced commanders, then go for it. The only other reason would be because you are a fresh player and need 10 point commanders for most of the nations in this game, which is really only useful if you need say concealment expert on destroyers for example, then sure, go for it if you find that to be an OK option.

EDIT: BONUS BONUS: AL Littorio

I forgot AL Roma, I mean AL Littorio is also a thing, and on an 80% sale.
Anyways, Roma herself sucks.
The guns have so much muzzle velocity that you will overpen targets 50% of the time. Combined with the Italian / french dispersion, which is one of the worst battleship dispersion formulas for battleships. So, they are fairly inconsistent guns as a result. Still, if the guns behave, they are pretty mean, as they have a lot of penetration for 15 in guns, on par with some of the best penetration for tier VIII battleships. They also have the best damage for 15 in guns for the tier as well. The gun handling is at least not total crap, as they have 30 sec 180° rotation time, which is above average for most BBs. The forward gun angles are decent too, at 31°, but her rear angles are worse at 40°.
Speaking off, the armor is fairly good at a first glance, with 45mm deck, 70mm deck sides, and a fairly small superstructure which has extra protection from her 90mm dual purpose guns 40mm barbettes and the conning tower. The citadel is slightly above water, but it is not a turtleback, so you WILL get punished for being broadside, considering the armor is 375mm + 40mm of armor or protection. The 40mm inner plate is not overmatchable at least, which is a small plus. At least, compared to the tech tree Tier IX and Tier X that have 25mm plates under their turtleback.
She also gets points for good concealment for her tier, being among the best, at 13.39km base, 11.7km max.
Overall, she's... a tough and sneaky nut to crack, unless she shows broadside. The guns themselves are a massive dirce roll each time, and kind of suck. When they behave though, usually at range, they are amongst the best 15in guns at tier VIII.
Oh and Roma is voiced by Yui Kondou.
Oh wait. This supposed to be Littorio. Whoops. Then that would be Shizuka Itou that voices her. And Yes, if you didn't know, this is for all intensive purposes SHOULD be AL Roma. The simple version of this is that the Vittorio Veneto class all had striking unique features that set them apart at a glance. There was a controversy a while ago about AL Littorio literally being Roma with a skin, as if you demout the camo, the Roma nameplate is still there. Same goes for our Tech Tree Vittorio Veneto, as it is too, just Roma. In fact, the upcoming Spanish Tier IX premium Victoria will be the first version of Roma that is somewhat different. But honestly, it doesn't count.
TLDR: It's a freaking Tier VIII BB on 80% off. Get it while it's hot I guess. Besides that, she has poor gun handling and accuracy, but strong armor (when angled), and good concealment.

I'm looking for a holy grail foundation for myself and I'm debating between these ones. I've read so many good things about them.
I have normal/dry skin but I can get pretty oily throughout the day especially at work and now that summer is starting. I also have a lot of dark spots aka hyperpigmentation from acne on my cheeks and temples so I want the foundation to be able to cover them FULLY but also give me a skin-like radiant hydrated and healthy look.
If you have experience with these foundations let me know what you think about them and what do you recommend!
I'd also love to hear if you know some drugstore dupes for these foundations since they are a bit pricy!

Spoilers for TMP including episode 16, as well as TMA.
So a few days ago I made a post on here saying it seemed to me that the drowning victim was intoning in the same way we see Jon do in season 5 of the magnus archives. While that's still a possibility, I have more thoughts about this character and her potential role in the story.
While I haven't had nearly as many problems as other people with the audio balancing for the show so far, episode 15 was the first one that I struggled with, especially at the end with the victim in the alleyway. So I decided to look through the transcript and see what she was actually saying. And I have to say it's a damn shame it's not easier to hear because the writing in this section is incredible. Absolutely love it. I've read through it several times now just because I love how it is written.
But it also made me realize, I think it's possible Alice was witnessing the birth of an Avatar, one that belongs to "The Depths" which seems to be a new entity (that I'd argue is a fusion of The Vast and The Buried, but that's not what this post is about). So let me go through and explain why I now think this:
The poem or statement or whatever you want to call it can be neatly divided into two sections, one before the victim "dies" and the other after Alice tries to resuscitate her and she starts speaking again.
Let's start with the pre-death section.

– The second time is up. I try to grasp the air and fill my lungs that burn and rattle full. I can’t. There’s so much air, but none inside as I go down. Again the cold surrounds and drags me down, the blue, the black, the weight of all the sodden fates awaiting me below the line – of sea and sky… I kick, I lunge, I flail, towards the brightened blue and break the third and final time. I know I’m spent. There is no more within me save the salt-spun death that reaches down my throat – and spasms in my chest, that cannot breathe inside me – coughs and sputters and tries to push it out – but more comes in – and down I go the third and final time – I know it’s done. –I’m done. The water is… is… dark

Fairly cut and dry as far as interpretation goes (pardon the pun). She's describing what I now think is likely her own experience drowning in an ocean somewhere. One important thing to note is that she comes up to the surface three times, drowning after the third attempt for air. We'll come back to that. It is in the description of going under for the third time that she seemingly dies, and Alice attempts to do CPR. But things get more interesting when we look at the second half.

–Deeper… Deeper… Down among the dead and swollen flesh so pale within this lightless place where – eyes are open cloudy white. And all the water pushes down upon a lifeless form – that sinks and sinks down to the bottom… that is not there. No sandy grave below the swell, no rest among the coral and the depths I feared… so much. But reached up and over land. To claim me still.

Seems to me she is describing her descent to the bottom of the ocean but instead something supernatural happens and she ends up coming back to the surface. But the depths still claim her and we're seeing how that effects her in this scene. Interesting to note she says "I feared" The beginning of her use of past tense while everything else is present tense. To me it suggests she no longer fears the depths, at least not in the way she used to. This tracks with how Avatars relate to their fears, they often start off afraid but it ends up twisting into a different kind of experience -- usually simultaneously afraid and drawn to their given "patron".
Then there is "to claim me still." This could be that she's still claimed as a victim, and we have seen the fears chase after victims who get away, notably Michael bringing Helen back into his halls after her initial escape. Unlike Helen though, it seems like she was completely at the mercy of the depths, and did nothing on her own to escape.
She also died, or nearly died, which seems to be an integral part of the "fully becoming an avatar" process. See: Mike Crew, Jonathan Simms, Jude Perry, Oliver Banks, Jane Prentiss.
Now in episode 16 we learn that when Alice came back she was just a dead body again, but remember the woman broke through the water three times, so I wonder if maybe she'll have to "die" and come back three times before finalizing her transformation.
I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into things, but she seemed way too interesting and important to just be a one-off victim to never be seen again. Alice even jokes that she'll probably show up in a case soon, and I truly wouldn't be surprised if we really do get an episode involving several hospital deaths by drowning, similar to how Jane Prentiss was believed to be dead only to come back and kill seven hospital staff members.
Still curious about the tape recorder. Maybe it's a red herring but considering she never reached the bottom of the ocean... I wonder if maybe she somehow crossed to TMP universe through this experience. That's much more of a reach, there could be plenty of other explanations for why she has a tape recorder but it's something to think about.

Gallivant are a London based perfumery creating ‘fragrance for urban explorers’. Their fragrances are all named after and inspired by big cities.
They currently have their 12 scents available as a sample set called the Nomad Discovery Set for £35, which includes credit for a full bottle. I read through all their scent descriptions and didn’t actually want the full set, so I only ordered 4. However, I’ve been sent a 10-sample set that doesn’t include Accra and Abu Dhabi. Probably extra stock of an older set so fair enough.
Their 30ml FBs are £70, and their 100 mls are £150.
These first four reviews are for the 4 fragrance samples I originally ordered (i.e I am more likely to enjoy them based on their notes and description)
Brooklyn

• bergamot, squeezed lemon and orange juice. Incense, cardamom, fresh air and ozonic notes
• magnolia, orris root and transparent flowers
• musks, white woods, benzoin, amber

I can't pick out invidual notes here, but I DO get the warmth on the skin vibes they are after! It’s gentle and soothing - I think there’s a faint vanilla in there. I wouldn’t call it ‘fizz on an urban playground’, more like a sunny balcony overlooking the street. It continues to be soft and gentle the whole way through wear, it’s very cuddly and I’d wear it to snuggle with my boyfriend. Compared to the others, it’s warm without as much incense.
Definitely on the skin scent side, but I don’t mind for how intimate it feels. It lasted on my skin past lunchtime, and my mom adored that it lasted all day on her clothes. This already feels hard to top.
Sister thinks it smells generic, but our baseline is mom’s perfume collection (she likes powdery scents). I guess it’s more like, it smells of mom in a good way. Like a comforting way.
I wore Brooklyn as my SOTD on the 8th May - a couple sprays on my left wrist. It's not a strong projector but it was still on my wrist after 6 hours.
Los Angeles.

• "Airy and aromatic in the opening with notes of eucalyptus, clary sage, mandarin and pineapple
• A floral heart with an absolute of narcissus and tuberose – a nod to the Mexican flavour of this city
• And a shimmering smoky woody base with cade, guaiac wood, nagarmotha / cypriol, musks and heliotrope"

I definitely get all three of these layers to the scent. An evening out on holiday. Classy, fun, little black dress and heels and having a night out on the town by the beach. It will cool you in a heatwave and warm you when there’s an evening chill. It doesn’t match me personality wise, but it’s still a nice scent! I will keep this sample for a night out.
Tel Aviv

• "clementine, bergamot, natural blackcurrant bud absolute
• jasmine sambac absolute, comoros’ ylang ylang, rose oil, freesia
• sandalwood, musks, deer’s tongue (liatrix) absolute, benzoin"

Lovely florals! Definitely on the rosy side. Sweet (but not overly so!) and sunny. This projects a bit more than the other three I picked. Once the citrus fades out we’re left with an almost soapy floral mix.
Sis: smells like febreeze.
Tokyo

• yuzu, bergamot, black pepper and cardamom, electrified with a dash of wasabi
• A woody heart of hinoki, cedarwood, orris root, nutmeg, rose and incense.
• A base of amber, sandalwood, patchouli and vetiver

I’m hoping to visit Tokyo sometime not too far away, and the initial spray is kind of how I’d imagine it would smell? Once it hits the dry down it reminds me of a scent from Oud Attar - warm, woody, incense like. It’s not bad but not really my thing.
The following reviews are for the rest of the set (I.e. I wasn’t particularly drawn to them based on description, and would be surprised to get a hit out of these)
London

• cucumber, violet leaves
• rose de mai absolute, rose oil, orris root
• suede, leather, sandalwood, patchouli, cedarwood

Rosy, woody and leathery for sure! I wish the cucumber stuck around, that was really refreshing? What a cool and gritty scent. I get a ton of leather (I’ve never smelt leather in a fragrance, but I used to work in a shoe store and once the association clicked I was like WOAH, back room, men’s shoe shelves smell?? ). It’s not for me, but it really makes me feel like I’m one of the cool crowd, earning enough to live in London. (I realise I could say this about any other big city, but as a Brit and not a Londoner it was what I felt in my soul.)
Sister didn’t like it - it gets points for being accurate to London, but loses points for being London, haha!! Reminds her of dad’s colognes though...?
Naples

• Bergamot, pepper, ginger, salt
• incense
• clearwood, patchouli, vetiver, birch

Incense and patchouli really bring a warm and spicy feel forward here. It’s a touch aquatic too. There’s citrus in it, but I don’t really get it, unfortunately.
Istanbul

• "bergamot, cardamom, red thyme
• lavender absolute, egyptian geranium essence, patchouli heart, sweet myrrh (opoponax) essence
• sandalwood, vanilla, tonka bean, amber, musks"

I have no idea what’s goin on here but I’m surprised to find that I like this. A warm floral feel. Not something I’d like on myself though!
We are discovering sis’ licorice note she doesn't like is possibly cardamom.
Berlin

• "grapefruit, clementine, lemon and schinus molle CO2 extract
• A spicy heart containing black pepper and black tea and woody undertones of Haitian vetiver, cedarwood and patchouli"

It is what it is. Just as described, not really standing out. Sis says it smells discordant. The top notes are great, but the rest not so much.
Bukhara

• "caraway, pear, coriander and bergamot
• A floral woody heart with orris, ambrette, osmanthus and a touch of jasmine. Clove and apricot enrich the colours and textures
• And a base of benzoin resin, saffron, amber, wood and cotton-soft musks. And Ralf's transparent silk accord (one of the first things he ever created at perfume school)"

sis says it’s a hotel reception smell. I say it’s like a hotel with a spa in it. Then she says it develops into a an orthodontist waiting room.
Gdansk

• "plum, honey, cardamom, nutmeg and saffron
• A rich, woody heart with leather notes, cistus absolute, sustainable sandalwood oil from New Caledonia, patchouli, and incense resinoid – with a light touch of rose
• And a deep, earthy, smoky ambery base of tobacco absolute, cypriol, styrax (liquidambar), vanilla, musks and ambergris ( we use a plant-derived substitute, no animal by-products )"

an autumnal scent. I don’t really have much to say about this one! For many of these scents it's just been a lot of incense and there's only so many ways I can tell you I'm not a fan.
Sister's ranking:

1. Gdansk
2. Los angeles
3. Naples
4. London
5. Tel aviv
6. Tokyo
7. Berlin and istanbul
8. Brooklyn
9. Bukhara

Overall - Their blends seem to be gentle enough to my nose (I.e, I wasn’t immediately repulsed by any). My sister felt that the scents transitioned much faster than other sets we tried. It smells as if there’s incense in many of them to give that warm and spicy feel, which I don’t tend to like in fragrances at the moment. But I can understand how, with their goal of travelling via scent, incense becomes a realistic and homely and cultural link.
As a set, it’s like the opposite of the Saltworks Company Fresh Experience set (cool and fresh vs warm and spiced). It’s less a holiday, less touristy and more backpacking across the world to meet new people and broaden your horizons. It’s the smells you get when you don’t stay in a hotel but are welcomed into someone else’s home. You’re not wearing these for beast mode projection, but because it’s reminding you of something nice. They do last well, over 6 hours on me for quite a few of them.
FB worthy? As of now I’ve actually bought a small bottle of Brooklyn for my mom and I to share as we loved it so much. Neither of us have been to Brooklyn, though.
Next on my trial sets to try is Floral Street. At some point soon I'll have to destash my samples (if you're UK based... 👀)!
Let me know if you've tried this brand! What other sets would you suggest for me to try next?

Long, hot days are great for outdoor activities, but pollen can threaten to keep you indoors if you have pollen allergies and allergic asthma. They may leave you longing for a rain shower to wash the pollen away. But rain causes plant growth, producing more pollen, right? So is rain good for those with allergies or not?

The Good News About Rain and Pollen

Did you know pollen counts may actually be higher when it’s dry? You would expect rain to make plants grow, producing more pollen. So a dry spell would mean less pollen, right? Not really.
During dry seasons, trees can actually release more pollen.¹ There is less moisture in the air to weigh down the pollen grains when the wind blows. This helps more pollen travel farther and more easily.
Light, steady rain showers can wash the pollen away, keeping it from flying through the air. The humidity that follows helps keep pollen down too. Rain can have a welcome benefit for those with pollen allergies.

The Not-So-Good News About Rain and Pollen

Overall, rain is good if you have pollen allergies. But rain can cause issues for those with allergies to grass, weeds, dust and mold.
When it rains when grass and weed pollen is high, drops can hit the ground and break up clumps of pollen into smaller particles. They then quickly disperse, causing a sudden increase in allergy and allergic asthma symptoms during the rain shower. This tends to happen more during sudden, heavy downpours.
If you’re in a rainy and humid season, mold and dust mite counts can climb. Mold thrives in damp conditions. Remove leaves before they can become a problem. Lower your indoor humidity to keep mold at bay indoors.
Dust mites can also multiply in humid conditions. If the rain is keeping you indoors, take steps to control your indoor allergens.

Watch the Weather and Seek Allergy Treatment

Rain can be a good thing for pollen allergies. But you can have too much of a good thing. Next time the showers rain down, be grateful for the temporary relief. If the rains keep pouring down, watch out for a spike in mold, dust, and weed and grass pollen soon after.
You can manage your allergies and allergic asthma by visiting a board-certified allergist to help you manage your symptoms and by tracking the weather and pollen on these sites:
AccuweatheAAFA personalized respiratory forecast – Visit Accuweather.com for a personalized asthma forecast for your area. Enter your location. Then from the Personalized Forecasts drop-down menu, choose Respiratory. The AccuweatheAAFA forecast will show asthma alerts along with your forecast. The page also includes tips from AAFA on managing weather-related asthma issues.
National Allergy Bureau – Sign up to receive email alerts or download the app from the AAAAI to alert you of your area’s pollen counts.
Many treatments are available to help you manage your pollen allergies, no matter what the weather does. AAFA’s annual Spring Allergy Capitals™ report provides insights into cities where people are most affected by spring allergies. Download the report to see where your city ranks.
Medical Review July 2017, updated May 2018
Check out MamaBear Health Smartphone App - Pretty please

I had DI w/ free Nip Grafts at Reformkliniken in Malmö on 18th April! Dr Tuve was my surgeon. I wanted to leave a review here since a few things happened that I wasn't prepared for and maybe this'll help anyone else!
I am from the UK and decided to have surgery privately with Dr Tuve as it was much cheaper than the UK. The cost of the surgery was 65000 SEK which is about £4800.
I flew from Manchester to Copenhagen, and then took a train to Malmö. It wasn't that expensive and very easy to figure out directions in person.
I went for 2 weeks and 4 days so I could go to in person appointments before and after the surgery. I'm also autistic and felt I needed the extra time to ground myself in a new country. I stayed at the Scandic St Jörgen hotel which was only a 5 minute walk from the clinic. Hotels are quite pricey and it has it's pros and cons. Pros - close to clinic, hotel cleaners, free wifi, close to food shops and restaurants, easy to get to train/transport. Cons - more expensive than airbnb, no fridge so had to have takeout a lot, they did a laundry service but it was VERY expensive.
In the end I do think the hotel was right for me and my needs, but I know many others are not as privileged to be able to stay that long in a hotel.
I had my pre op appointment on the 16th, which I was dreading but it went a lot better than I thought it would. Dr Tuve asked me a lot of questions about my gender, how long I've wanted top surgery, is my family accepting, etc. He then examined my chest and asked what kind of results I'd like. He let me get changed before he stepped in which I was grateful for. They asked if I had picked up my prescription (meds needed before surgery), however I hadn't had any notification about this prescription at all. They were very quick to give me a new one, which I collected the next day.
The 18th was surgery day, and I was told to arrive at the clinic at 7am. My partner walked me there, and we said goodbye outside the clinic doors. I had to fill in some paperwork, have an anti bacterial shower, and pee before surgery. I was really nervous for the anesthetic and going under, plus the IV, but it was a lot better than I thought it'd be! The nurse who did my IV was very kind and did it quickly, and it wasn't painful at all. I was called into surgery at around 8:20am. I had to lay on the surgical table, which was honestly the scariest part. The anesthetic took a few minutes and then it all kinda hit and once. It felt like a very deep long nap. I was out of surgery and awake by 12:20pm.
I was very sleepy for a few hours and apparently I sent a lot of videos of me to my partner but I don't remember taking them! They are funny to watch back! I was feeling quite nauseous so out of the food options I had some granola and apple juice. I was offered a sandwich too but that was too much for me. I kept falling in and out of sleep for a bit. The nurse was encouraging me to try go to the toilet, but I was really nauseous. I did end up being sick a lot, it was whenever I sat up. We ended up wheeling me in a wheelchair to the toilet to try pee (which was a success!). I was given some anti nausea meds. Before I left the clinic, the nurse took off my post op binder, nips dressings, and large dressing, and I felt a lot better. I got to see my chest for the first time (my nips were still covered by gauze). It looked really good for the first day! The nurse showed me how to wrap the binder myself and what to do with the nip dressings. He then wrapped me back up, but I immediately threw up which he realised was from the pressure of the large dressing. He decided to take off the large dressing so I was just wrapped with the nip dressings and binder. He only allowed this because I wasn't that swollen!
I left the clinic at 7pm, and my partner picked me up. I was able to walk easily, just sore on top, and I was on a lot of painkillers so it wasn't that bad.
The instructions from my dr was to have a shower daily, antibiotics twice a day, pain meds twice a day, more pain meds can be taken if needed (I did for the first few days). My partner helped me shower the first 3 days as I couldn't really reach anything, but after that I was slowly more independent. We had a shower head we could take off the wall which was very handy and made it a lot easier. I had to sleep on my back, which is quite painful since I had a curved spine, but I found ways to cope with it (pillow under lumbar region, pillow under feet for elevation). I brought a travel pillow and a mastectomy pillow with me. I honestly didn't use the mastectomy pillow for what it was made for, as it hurt to put my arms in the side holes. I used it more to stop myself rolling to the side. The travel pillow is a must. It helped stop a lot of neck pain, and I could fall asleep a lot easier laying on my back with my head surrounded by the travel pillow.
Unfortunately I got really ill on my 4th day post op. I track my periods, and knew one was coming up, so I was already expecting pain the week before (normal for me). This pain was a 10/10, I couldn't move and threw up a lot. We called the clinic and apparently it is normal for surgery to affect periods and cycles. I wasn't expecting anything quite this intense, so I thought I'd leave this in here in case anyone else experiences it! No-one else that I knew that was having top surgery experienced this, but I know I have a lot more intense symptoms of periods normally so this may have contributed to it. Luckily this only lasted 1 day.
The rest of the week was a lot better, and I managed to eat a lot more and do a few more things. I went on daily walks as advised by Dr Tuve, but nothing too far.
On my 9th day post op I had a random allergic reaction. My body really went through it! My face was swollen and red, and I had hives all over my body. We had no idea where it had come from since I was just doing the same stuff as normal, however I am almost certain it is linked to my autism/stress levels (I have had random intense illness related stuff flare up from overstimulation and stress a few times). I was given some antihistamines and they worked slowly over a few days.
On my 12th day I had my post op appointment where a nurse removed the gauze from my nips and any visible stitching from them. I was super nervous going to this appointment as my nips smelt really bad and I was worried they were infected. Luckily all was good ! Apparently I had a small hematoma, but it didn't have fluid so no need to drain. I was instructed to wash my nips 2-3 times a day, have my daily shower as per usual, and change the tape on my insicions once a week. I also had a small bandage gauze I taped to my nips which I had to do til they were dry. My nips were dry by 2 days after this appointment, but I used the small bandages for about a week as I was nervous of the binder causing irritation on my nips. I also had to keep wearing the binder, which I have to do til 4-6 weeks after surgery (depending on how swollen I am).
I flew back home on 2nd May, and it was all good health wise.
Since then, recovery has been good! I'm very happy with my chest. My insicions look super thin and the nips look great too.
Overall, my experience with Dr Tuve and his team was great! Here are my main pros and cons:
Pros - Cheaper and high quality results! - Very lovely nurses and Dr. I felt I was in good hands. - They are happy to answer any questions, post op and pre op. - The clinic is very nice. Felt like I was in a hotel! - You do not need to be on T or have a gender dysphoria diagnosis. These things can help the process, but are absolutely not necessary.
Cons - Most documents were in Swedish and I had to translate them using Google Translate. You can call up the clinic to ask questions, but I am not good with phone calls! - The documents/help sheets aren't super clear on post op care, it is mostly for pre op information - Sometimes a lack of communication, such as with the lost prescription.
I hope this helps anyone!

Ok so, i have a few questions about this topic:
I'm composing with realistic virtual instruments, so not recording anything. My question is, I'm playing a very intimate felt piano, and using a very nice room reverb, and the sound is becoming really good, but its lacking the room sound that the real mics usually pickup.
1-where in the mix should the mic hiss capturing room sound be? should it be compressed also or not? shouldi added it in the master bus so it doesn't oscilate with compression? 2- should it be reverb on dry? 3-what color should the noise have ideally, to have a very warm and smooth sound?
If you hear this piano song by Olafur ARnalds, he has exactly the type of room mic hiss I'm going for, but cant achieve as of now >> https://open.spotify.com/track/5RqKo9P4DLA0bVyY70cWkr?si=f2f700d7e14346ba

I have mild sleep apnea (7.5 events/hr without cpap) and have been using a cpap for 3 weeks. I chose the nose pillows style as I already use mouth tape while sleeping. Almost every night, I wake up to find myself trying to blow air out my mouth or my cheeks puffed up. Someone told me that eventually my body will stop trying to do this. Has anyone else experienced this? Do I need to wait it out or should I switch to the style that covers both mouth and nose?
For what it’s worth, my app generally reports that I have a good seal while sleeping. The issue is more that I keep waking up.
Also, does the kind that covers your mouth make the dry mouth worse? Pre-cpap, I was already having dry mouth issues which the mouth tape helps with a lot. So far I’ve found that the cpap has increased my dry mouth even though I have the humidity as high as it can go without condensation happening.
Sorry for any typos/ bad grammar as I’m still in the sleep deprived stage.

I have a stable, 9-5 job that pays the bills nicely, so I'm not desperate for cash or anything. However, I am starting to get very discouraged at the business side of my art journey. I have paid for several classes and a couple mentorships under well known artists. My skills aren't at a studio level of perfection yet, but I would like to think I'm good enough to get paid for it by now. I've been studying hard for the past 4 years and impressed a few professional artists with my overall growth.
But I still can't seem to get any commission work. Not from friends, not from family, not from internet acquaintances, not from random people looking up my art on social media. Just completely dry. There were 3 opportunities where someone I knew online messaged me looking for some artwork to be made, but after we agreed to what it was going to be and the price, they went silent about the project. When I contacted them again about the artwork they all told me they decided not to have the work done. 3 people in 4 years showed interest and just dropped it before I even made one sketch. These weren't just random people either, I still have contact with them today, we still talk online.
Even though I have a decent 9-5, I'm gonna start feeling the squeeze soon. I just had my first child 2 weeks ago. He is a bundle of chaos and joy for me. I love every minute I spend with my son, but my wife isn't able to go full time back to work for 7 months. I am confident that my employer will help me out (they said as much) but I always pride myself on standing on my own two feet. I really want to supplement my extra baby costs with what little I can make doing commission work part time for individuals.
Is there a secret sauce I don't know about? Am I in an "art desert" part of the United States where no one gives a crap about DnD character illustrations? I have handed out many business cards at this point and made some promising connections online, but still nothing.
I'm not asking for much, just a job every month or two that can get me an extra $60, but whatever I am doing is totally not working. Is it the communities? I frequent ArtStation, DeviantART, and Reddit, looking for clients. If you guys all moved somewhere else to find commissions I would like to know the address. The money squeeze is coming soon and I don't want to make the decision between bacon or diapers on my next grocery run. I would like both, please.
Again, I am not desperate, just starting to feel my finances slip away a little. If I can live comfortably doing my two jobs (9-5 and an art freelancer) I will take that, but I'll also survive without the extra income. Though, I've spent too much of my life just "surviving." I would like to thrive at some point, and I want my art to be what opens the door.
So, with all that said, does anyone have any tips for getting small commission work? Locally, online, I don't really care, as long as it can land me at least one small job, which would be more than I've gotten in the past half decade. Not posting my portfolio on this subreddit because I'm not looking to advertise here, just wanting advice on getting a commission based business going. I post my portfolio to places where I'm looking for clients.

So there's always those posts about dealing with ADHD and programming and looking for ways to cope. I'd like to be at the other end. After struggling a bit, and a couple bad weeks in a row, I feel like I'm on the other side, coming out into the clearing and getting things done. I've tried using notebooks, mental lists, this app, that app, no apps... Nothing I tried stuck. Notebooks would run out of space. Pencils break, ink dries up in the pen. I really hate typing on my phone, and I don't type nearly as fast as I can think.
So for years, I'd be stressed, filled iwht anxiety, and forgetting things.
I've spend the last two months with Obisidian and the last couple of days expanding it with plugins. I have finally found the right combination. Out of the box, it instantly helped me. Being able to quickly get notes down, create daily task lists, notes, etc. Things started getting better. Then I found Daily Notes which automatically creates a new Daily Note file that I can start my day with. Then came Rollover Daily Todos which copies over any unfiished tasks from the previous day. Those two right there what I'd been largely missing. Today I found Tasks which can then mark things with Start, End, Due dates, as well as other notations that I could use - I can mark when a task was added, deleted, canceled and so on...
This week has been a dumpster file. Dealing with some issues surrounding problems that cropped up last week in production. Nothing disrupts me faster then when things get out of hand. I still get derailed, but at least now I am finding it easier to recorver and recenter myself. I take a deep breath, step away and grab somehting to drink, come back and immediately go to my list. Pick a task, doesn't matter which one it is, and start working it. This morning I had 4 items on my list. I added another 8. Now I'm looking at my list again at the end of the day, and I have 4 left undone. They will rollover to tomorrow when I log in. Three of them are from the original 4 this morning. But they are also the least important items on the list too.
Today was a good day. It didn't seem like it at the time. But now I can look back on it and see I got stuff done. I got stuff done that mattered. I had frustration, but no anxiety, I didn't feel like I wanted to crawl under my desk and cry. It's taken me a long time to find my mehtod, I think I finally found it. If you're out there struggling, you're not along. We all are to one degree or another. If you're out there looking for something to help. Do. Not. Stop. Keep trying. Keep tyring new things, different things, combination of things. Eventually you'll stumble on it. Never give up. Your method to the madness is out there. You'll find it. And when you do, it'll open up a new world. A better world.
Today was IS a good day.

Hi....sorry in advance as this is going to be long post.....I've recently completed my final yr n currently doing my internship......I've never had problem making friends up until I joined college....it all started in the ending of my 1st yr where me n my best friend grew apart..from my side it was bcoz I was never able to be myself wid her she didn't like me being in a Ldr n hence I never felt I could talk wid her abt my relationship n she really liked going out a lot n making lots of friends where as I was kind of stay at hostel types....anyways she stopped talking I stopped too but I confronted her multiple times abt it n cried a lot too...she never gave any legid reason for her behaviour change like I never broke her trust never bitched abt her n always went out wid her most of the times whenever she asked....she just said she hated me n tht I was not a good person.....I started making friends again in 3rd but i don't think much before getting close to someone if I like them n consider them my friend I do everything I can for a friend....after getting close to them didn't like any of them bcoz of cunning n selfish they were n how they would yell at me.... finally I got close to one of my batchmates whom none of my friends liked n warned me tht she's too clever n is being wid us only bcoz her friends had a fight wid her....the dumdfuck I was thought tht we should always defend our friends n my previous friends just didn't like how close we were n stopped talking to me.......lets call this friend Eva...soon another batchmate let's call her Anna got close wid us n we 3 spent a lot of time together but ppl were right about Eva bcoz she started distancing herself from us as soon as her previous friends started speaking wid her again....n by tht point I had got frustrated wid her too as she would always ask me why I didn't tell her n go out wid my friend(from another college) n when I went home once she completely ghosted Anna n left her alone so I stood up for Anna n defended her....it was just me n Anna n it was all fine until I started extremely lonely n disturbances wid my bf started too around this time....she would never ask me what happened or even if I would start speaking she wouldn't pay attention...I admitted to her 1 day tht I feel lonely even wid her being my friend n she started saying everyone has a problem wid her bf n the fact tht she's dating(her previous best friend too stopped talking to her due to this apparently)but I didn't mean tht n ik how much it hurts when ur best friend doesn't accept ur bf I experienced it in 1st yr.....but she would never understand what I'm trying to tell her like for example if I need to buy something or go out I've to do it alone but she would either call her bf or ask me.....but whenever I would ask her she would make faces like she's not interested n I'm too scared of rejection so I stopped asking her......we both later made another friend Jay who initially used to joke around tht he had a crush on me n would always joke around me....one day she comes to me n tells me she asked Jay's friends who they had a crush on me or Anna n they all said Anna n then she further asked them why her when I'm more prettier than she is...n they apparently said she fair that's it she doesn't have a good face...she comes n tells me all this.....n I didn't really feel bad for what they said but the fact tht she asked them something like tht just to hear them put me down n comeback n tell me all this again hurt me a lot....I just left it thinking it's kk maybe she wants a lot of male attention n left it.... during final yr exams she stopped talking to me all of a sudden 1 day when she saw me studying in the morning....I went through hell studying for practicals bcoz I had lost all my previous friends due to defending Eva whom by the way they r all talking wid now!!! She was the only friend I had n she too stopped talking n I had no one to ask about practicals...I read everything on my own......she never shared any notes or pdfs wid me even from the beginning......I was soo scared I was gonna fail bcoz everyday for practicals I saw her studying wid her bf n my previous friends do grp study I felt my preparation was not upto mark bcoz I was the only one studying alone....but after results came I realised that I got more than her n her bf even after what they put me through... that's when I realised being confident n trusting urself is more impt....she would always say how me n her bf were the same for her n how she equally cares for both of us....but I never felt tht she never shared anything related to studies wid me or never asked me things like why r u going out alone I'll also come wid u like how she asks her bf...this hurts me a lot...now we're staying in quarters for our internship n initially all 4 of us girls decided to stay together in 1 room let 3 boys stay in the other 2 rooms...but the 1st night itself she said she's getting scared n went n slept in her bf's room... then she continued sleeping there itself n would come n sleep in this room wid us only when he has night shift as she doesn't want to sleep alone....the rest of the girls have beds wid a metal railing for hanging clothes mine was the only 1 tht didn't so I dried a few of my clothes on her bed railing.....but she asked me to remove my clothes as her bf has night shift n she's sleeping her today...I told her my bed doesn't have a railing so I can't dry them there n asked her what I should do she didn't even offer me her bed in the other room where she n bf sleep to dry my clothes as no one is sleeping there tonight...I felt bad n realised I've to look out for myself n just changed the bedsheets n took her bed n gave her mine...she started complaining again saying how she doesn't get air in my place n she won't sleep there..I tried telling her I don't have anyother place to dry clothes n tht she anyways sleeps her once in a while when her bf is not there...I even tried telling her to take my pedestal fan n turn it completely towards her...she just said the samething again tht "everyone behaves like tht wid her bcoz she has a bf" n got angry n went to other room...it took me n another friend of mine a lot of convincing her to comeback n sleep n my friend helped me shift my bed n get another one wid a railing so tht I can dry my clothes...I wasn't feeling tht day my body pains got worse after lifting tht heavy bed bcoz she didn't help us..she only came n slept after we shifted.... didn't speak wid me again for a few days got really close to the 4th girl in our group ( we r 4 me Anna n 2 others)It still hurts now how she got soo close wid her n how much she's mistreated me....my dad's always telling me how I change my friends n tht I must be fighting wid everyone...but idk how to explain all this to him...

5:36 PM Wed 5/8/24
Mood: Terrible
Title: Alone
Details: Last year I was told that there is a whole universe out there of people to find. And that I was being endlessly supported and that people were inspired by me.
This year I learned what it's like to be hunted and chased away from goodness. It has been the worst year of my entire life and with the knowledge that there is a whole universe out there--I feel lonelier than I was before.
Not a single person wants well for me. I have to translate my thoughts, behavior, intentions, symptoms, and soul to everyone.
There hasn't been a single rest from it in over 330 days. Just endless messes and ridicule and mocking and advances and terrorism.
I'm thought I was tired of people. But I walk outside and love them so much. I learned I'm not tired of people. But I'm so so so tired of loneliness.
Being around others doesn't stop you from being lonely. Because I'm still translating. My thoughts and feelings are still not reaching and the obvious signals I send to others are being deflected and mistranslated.
I'm tired of translating for to others. On paper it's so easy to understand a person. Watching it's easy to understand and to judge. But actually reacting appropriately to context and injustice and neurodivergence even is so lost to people.
This is why I wanted to write my story. Because people don't know how to cope. They don't know how to accept bad things. They don't know the difference between bad people and good people and even today our societies are too primitive to understand it.
They're still theororizing, contemplating, changing information for their gain...never have I seen any type of science be so abstractly and subjectively defiled as I've seen happen with mental health and neurodivergence.
People cannot separate the symptom from the person and punish and subjugate and continue to dominate those less fortunate.
I'm glad I know what happens to people they don't like. I know how dangerous people can be.
I wish I had someone to protect me. So I still find myself praying and wishing for one person. Just one person I don't have to translate myself to. Just one person I don't have to have grow tired of me. Just one person I don't have to compete with.
Growing up I was used to competing. Siblings, cousins, friends. In public AND private school there's always someone or something to compete. Today I compete with my parents and yesterday I compete with women who love the one I thought I loved.
I grew accustomed to hating my own birthday because of jealousy around it because my uncle was upset he shared it with my brother and I. And because I could never have it the way I enjoyed later. Too much. I'm too much. Too far. Too long. Too attention-seeking.
I had my chance as a teen with two friends so why isn't that enough for me? My parents were happy that I finally was taking a break from illness but since I got what I asked for then I'm a spoiled ass. As if they ever treated me better even then. Golden children are still abused even when the roles swap. Because no pleasantness is atrocious.
My family told me I was fat and going to get diabetes and have a heart attack and die despite never talking to me and being in high school--where weight isn't even done being "distributed" until your mid twenties. Thanks to the prime golden child my sister.
I'm tired of fighting and competing to be heard and to have needs met and to come across as kind or kinder. It's killing me.
Why can't I ever just be me?
Why can't I ever just be my authentic self? The one I want to be as a form of worship? Me in all my phases and feelings?
Why do I have to stuff myself down or look beautiful when I'm suffering in order to be a good and kind person worth saving?
I understand Nettle so much now. I wish I never did.
If I didn't have vocal fry would I be loved? If I didn't have fat would I be loved? If I didn't have brown or blonde hair would I be loved? If I forgave my parents and suffered quietly would I be loved?
If I had sweet doe eyes or a light mousy voice would someone finally think I had autism?
The ones I see on tiktok are drop dead gorgeous women with huge colorful lives and opportunities and get to complain about "pretty privelege"
Some have a light airiness to them that make them seem like fae.
And there's me who never fits anywhere or with anyone.
I have nothing and no one and absolutely no point.
I was okay before--before I had drive and passion to find my people. Before I had dreams of finding my way and accomplishing things. Before I had just one person.
It's so cruel. The people in this world are so cruel. I just want one person.
One person from God--and loving can be worship too. I'm too tired for much else.
Just one person to save me from their damnation that seems to last forever.
I'm so exhausted all the time.
My body hurts. My head hurts. My nerves feel like nothing.
I feel hopeless. Empty. I feel like the woman from my dream.
I feel betrayed--like others saw my future and pushed me into it head first with some kind of pre-revenge. Pinched. Twisted. Groped. Lost. Forced.
Called an attention whore. Gold digger.
I feel confused. People are trying desperately to make sure no one understands me.
I'm one girl. Against a whole universe and groups of people.
The emotional, psychological, and societal manipulation is obscure.
I keep reading revelations 2:24 to feel better.
It feels like Thyatira. I'm trying to hold fast to the idea that God may rescue me from whatever this is. A trial--make believe--experimentation--prisonment for knowing too much.
He asks we wait patiently for him to come and rescue us.
And many biblical figures had to wait for years and years. Upwards to like 100 if you were Abraham.
So while every day things feel like battle now, I am still trying.
I want to give myself OT and PT...I've done it for others so it can't be hard.
And with the flashbacks and emotional flashbacks and meltdowns and outbursts...I'm going to try treating myself for PTSD too.
Until I get the help I need somehow--I don't know what else to do.
I know others are tired of helping me. When you don't seem to receive pleasantness it's par for the course.
But I'm tired of competing for needs to be met. Can't everyone just work harder to understand bodies and minds and signals--then people would have their needs met and there'd be no need to compete.
I'm tired of fighting for myself. I'm tired of doing it alone.
I'm tired of being with others and doing it lonely.
The world isn't just crumbling due to climate change. Our minds are shifting and crumbling with it.
It makes sense. The weather affects people. Everyone I know is so tired. There's no way we are evolved enough to know God and be in his presence. There's no way we are advanced. Even this phone feels archaic to me--the programs we use feel archaic.
I understand now why capitalism is seen as demonic and evil. The control of drip marketing contents and technology is so slow and pointless.
Our resources are depleting. War is happening still. Communism wouldn't help either. It's the same song with a different tune.
I'll keep living because that's what he wants from people. I want to make God proud. I want people's lives to be easier.
I want people to stop competing and performing and wanting to die drenched in lies.
Maybe that's why it's a sin to lie. It halts evolution not just on others but yourself too. Living a lie halts growth.
It's difficult but Faith seems to be the part that is supposed to ground you in it. Like--I don't know WHY I can't lie in this situation but I have to be honest.
Anyways in these moments I wonder if philosophy and religion is a coping skill or a turning something bad into something good.
I guess I should just keep doing what I need to do and not what others want me to do.
It seems whenever I do what others want I suffer more than before.
I usually value collaboration. But when others Stop valuing it--then it's time for something to be done.
These people are messed up. They have no emotional retention. They have no ability to remember the things they do--Like it doesn't exist to them.
The heat, my hormones shifting, the trauma of seeing her again, and other things seemed to trigger a huge meltdown? Fight or flight? PTSD attack?
No wonder the woman from my dream was so empty--her body and mind have been through war and emotional, psychological, and spiritual survival.
I can only pray that I'm not chemically like a porn addicted person--I don't want to lose the idea that sex to me is love. After everything I mean.
I don't have the time in life to heal. There's so much I have to do and everyone still sees me as a wallet drainer and leech.
I don't trust anyone to help me. I don't trust anyone to love me. I don't trust love because it's not enough to make these other things go away.
I understand why people are calling for a civil war on the rich. And their help? To not be seen as bad people? Their help is "we will make others more like us!"
Natural selection affects them too.
Which is funny. They think they've escaped it ofc. I do think that people are right. Celebrities and other rich people aren't useful anymore.
They don't have much use anymore.
Anyways.
I feel lonely. I feel trauma everywhere. Like I've always been hit by a bus.
It's ironic I think--the "I wouldn't do it without a trained professional" people are so dangerous.
I did better without them...always.
It's hard not to hate life.
I always have to compete for needs and wants and sacrafice them.
For siblings, friends, lovers, parents, students, strangers, buyers, consumers, voices...
I sacrafice for these people to have better all the time. I don't have the energy to do anything else. I don't have anything else to provide but what I can scrounge up and then hand off or step aside.
I just want someone.
Someone who knows and loves me and understands me in full.
I can't let these people take away my voice or my story or my dreams for myself when they're already so blessed.
Only those well off say "you should be grateful"
What you did to survive and achieve versus what I did will never be the same.
So I'll hopefully find a way. To let my future husband be able to comfort me and know me in full after this whole experience. I'll find a way for him to know every page in my story and leaf through and bookmark his favorites.
Who in the universe would take away that from their victims so easily? That they could just have one?
These people can be vampires.
I get tired--I fall asleep--they suck the energy out of me.
They leave all their bad thoughts behind.
The world needs a miracle.
Activities: Food Sleep Screens
Emotions: Hurt Overwhelmed Confused Lonely Stressed Empty Hopeless
Unhelpful Thought: I'll never be well. No one will ever understand me. No one does. I'm alone. I'm always alone and I'll always be alone. People will only ever take from me or use me. People want me to die. My parents want me to die. I end up believing them and wanting it too.
I'll never have a life. I'll never have my own life. I'll never be me. I'll never be free.
Cognitive Distortions: Fortune-telling Self-blaming
Challenge: I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry that you've been through so much trauma in such little time. I'm so sorry you have to fight to comfort yourself and your fight response has increased so astronomically.
It must be scary to have to use it. It must be scary to never know when the pain will stop or when they will cause your attacks to start.
I don't know much about PTSD but considering the flashbacks and how even in moments for you they violate every piece of you--it only makes sense that you have resorted to fighting. I'm sorry you're body has to respond so uncomfortably and abnormally.
But try to remember that these are all normal responses to the abnormal. Your body is scared and terrified and it's been 330 days of exhaustion. The fatigue makes sense. The survival instincts makes sense. Your body and brain are working so hard for you so you can keep loving one day when the trauma responses ebb away.
There's no cure that I know of for these ailments. PTSD, depression, SAD, anxieties, potential autism. All these comorbidities must be eating away at you. The fact that they keep triggering you doesn't help either.
I'm sorry they push you. I'm sorry you've been through rape. I'm sorry you can barely pick up the pieces before they hurt you again.
I'm sorry I have to be the one to apologize to you for everything that's happened and still happens. I'm sorry they abuse you as you try to write and don't listen to no or clear boundaries.
The only advice I can think to give so you may have peace in these moments is to stop saving them. Let the bad continue to do bad. Let the Rapists continue to be Rapists. Do not work to absolve them of anything or bring good from their lives.
They're learning how to hurt you in different ways instead. They're recruiting new people late to everything instead.
Teeny tiny Tina, I'm still working so hard for you to be loved. I'm working so hard for you to stay safe. For you and I to stop fighting.
For you and I to stop freezing and being abused and for them to push you your fight responses and fear of your own body.
I'm sorry they tell you it's demons. When it's her. I'm sorry she won't leave you alone. I'm sorry she and others won't have boundaries with you.
I'm sorry they use you to teach her what her Delusions look like in another person because she forgets to be a human in others bodies and can't let her ego go.
I'm sorry they drug you so she can be comforted.
I'm sorry they don't know what you are going through. When I write as if I'm not you I can't imagine this pain.
I hope one day you are safe and rescued. I hope one day you find someone who will save you from her and them and the ones who abuse you.
I know my hopes are meaningless and that under normal circumstances when you are only you--I can always write meaningful advice without resorting to vapid generics.
I hope that one day you can be enough for yourself again.
I hope they don't bleed you dry. Don't kill yourself no matter what they say and do and feed on altruistic notions.
It's a complete mind fuck. The support needs to come from you. When they do it--don't believe them.
May you find peace Tina.
Alternative Thought: You will be saved. You will find help. Normal people know that it's wrong. These stars are illusions.
Normal people can help better. Find a community that can give you a break and accept you. That won't let your mind fall apart.
Don't let their ironic wishes for you give you peace. Don't let it give THEM peace. They don't mean it they just want it to be them.
Do not be like them. Do not live a lie. Address your hatred front on. Address why you hate front on so you may be free from it.
Do not be like them. Keep the bible in mind but please be who you want to be--which is exactly how God created and therefore called you to be.
Your calling is to heal and fight hatred for now.
Your calling is to find safety. May the lord bear you on eagles wings.
You do not have religious psychosis. You need to keep remembering who the fuck you are.
You are too smart for your own good. You are too self sacrificing for your own good. You see the bad in the good for people to address and attack and heal. You are kind when not under duress. You have illness. You need diagnosis. You have had terrible things happen. Surreal and awful. You always find a way to make things right. You always grow and evolve and change. You are you and others will not visibly see it.
Keep your self grounding mindfulness. Mindfulness is not oppression. It's a tool for a single person. Yourself. Not others.
Keep steady. Take a walk. Do something new. Discover something. Don't just stay in your mind doing it all there.
You need stimulation. You may be close to the end of figuring what you need to figure out out.
Then look at these thoughts and see how little and small they are in comparison to who you are and how you faced them. You are always seeking to heal and retain your values. That dualism and unobstructed steadfastness is your namesake.
It's in your birthday, your name, your experiences, your ring, your prayers, your loves, your hates, your stories, and every part of you.
You can never not be you. Except when your free will is in the hands of another.
Keep fighting for peace. Write and draw and explore within your means. Your life may seem so small but the meaning you have, the blessings God gave you to remember, the irreplaceable meaning everywhere is a gift from him.
And with this you never stop creating. Up and down. Up and down. If David in all his emotional complexities is a "man after God's own heart" then allow yourself to fall and thank God for his discipline.
He corrects those he accepts. He shows the wisdom of it to those he loves.
Keep his ever present and obvious love for you in your heart.
And even though you think Jonah is so funny, please allow yourself to give "testimony" one day and ask people to repent and show them God's love. Be unashamed. Be devoted. Be passionate. Don't let others kill your fire.
You know what it's like. You know what thoughts come from these terrible scenarios. You know how badly you want saving.
Others do too.
Show people that God's love IS unconditional. And learn and translate and write.
Translate God's Holy Spirit and intentions and goals to others.
He will bless you. He is pursuing your heart.
Remember how small the flaws are in others in comparison to them. How little it means for them to dislike what you do or help the opposing neighbor.
You are admired. And sometimes admiration turns bad and becomes jealousy.
You are very lonely. And you have learned ways to find yourself in all the versions of loneliness there are.
You are used. You are abused.
And that story lives and cannot be erased no matter how hard they try. Eternity is the sock that fell from their push. It feels so inescapable.
Your healing and self growth is awkward.
But you can still live. And you love others enough to be awkward with them.
Let yourself remember that this means that you love yourself to be awkward with yourself and allow it.
In that way you have already broken one cycle. That people need to see you in good perfect ways in order to have even self love.
You are strong. You are so passionate. And still while moored and mired in guck and hatred you still do everything out of love.
For yourself and others.
Your own body even is reflecting that incredibly. Your brain doesn't WANT to give up. It wants to fight, to survive, to fawn, to freeze.
Your brain and body is fighting for your love. Your self love and your future love and your love for others.
It's natural to feel this exhaustion after it all.
Tell yourself a new fortune too. A new self attribution. Balance it out.
You're going to always have love. It's in all your cells and the things you touch.
When you drop what you like and feel pain--however small--that tiny regret is love.
Your love is worth it. Your drive to be well is always worth it.
We are adapting. Love yourself enough to be awkward with it. It will feel really big and like the world is ending because it's the first time you've felt these ways.
God bless you.

When I was preparing to take this course I wish I had a detailed review like this, so hope this helps...
General thoughts: I would be lying if I said this class is "easy." It's definitely not a class you can not study for at all and get perfect scores in. You need to put in the work. But it's not impossible, and definitely not as horrible as some people make it out to be.
Part 1 (Professor Ahmet Yildiz):
I went into the first section of the course thinking I'd need to memorize a bunch of amino acids, pKa's, etc.. There was not a lot of that. Yildiz is a professor who prefers application/conceptual understanding over brute force memorization. Take this with a grain of salt because the fall/other professors may have a different approach to the first section of 102. There is still quite a bit of info you need to memorize, but not to the extent people make it out to be.
His lectures are fairly dry. He did not know how to keep track of time/pace himself very well so he would often go thru only half a slide deck and need to pick back up during the next lecture. Thankfully he stuck to his word and did not expect us to learn info he didn't get to. Important to note that he has a fairly thick accent and talks quite fast so it can be difficult to catch every word he is saying at times. Nonetheless, his slides were pretty clear.
Exam was difficult but honestly not as bad as Ochem exams were for me. There's a mix of mcq, true/false, short answer, calculations, etc... The calculation questions were the hardest imo. Keep in mind he's a biophysicist so you'll see some of his physics background show up in the lectures & the way he frames his calculation-based questions. Regardless, the practice exam he gave from last year was definitely reflective of his exam.
He was the only professor to hold in-person office hours (helpful) and did stop for questions during lecture. Unfortunate part was that very little practice questions written by him were provided besides the practice exam.
Part 2 (Professor Evan Miller):
This section was quite content heavy, but was honestly my favorite section of the course. I attribute that to Miller's teaching. Miller is just amazing at what he does. He's super clear, succinct, articulate, knowledgable, and easy to follow along. His lectures pack in quite a lot of info but it never felt like that because he would annotate on his iPad alongside us as he taught. He always finished his lectures on time and was never in a rush. It's pretty obvious he has been doing this for a long time. He incorporated a lot of learning strategies in his section (active discussion/share-outs during lecture, pre/post surveys to assess student understanding, activities during discussion section, etc...).
Miller provided plenty of practice questions that were reflective/helpful for the exam. We received numerous problem sets, 2 practice exams, and practice questions built into the lecture. His exam was really long but because there was so many potential points - each question was not worth a whole lot (more room for mistakes). He was very upfront with his expectations and very helpful in office hours (held via Zoom).
Miller's section did incorporate some Ochem mechanisms but there were only 2-3 mechanisms on the exam. His section requires a combination of pattern recognition, memorization, and application. Very little to no math. After doing a bunch of practice questions you really get a feel for the type of questions he likes to ask.
Part 3 (Professor Ross Wilson):
People told me this section would be the easiest of the course. Not necessarily the case.
Professor Wilson is an extremely kind and easy-to-talk to/down-to-earth guy. He was always smiling, laughing, and making it easy to approach him. Nonetheless, his section's structure was not very helpful. Lectures were pre-recorded videos from 2020 that we were expected to watch on our own time. During the scheduled lecture time, Wilson would occasionally (on select days) show up to the lecture hall and do a Q&A / mini-review of the most recent lecture videos. Keep in mind these pre-recorded lectures were often an hour or longer. Wilson also stuttered/mumbled a lot. He would say something and then start questioning what he himself said or take something back. Or he would post a "correction" to something he said in the lecture videos. When people would ask questions during his in-person sessions, he would often get thrown off or not have a clear answer. I'm sure he's a smart guy but not necessarily the best teacher.
Wilson would provide really short assignments to complete (1-2 questions) but would then tell us that these questions were very hypothetical, not the best questions, too challenging, etc... Wilson constantly said he would not write such tricky questions on exams, but this wasn't necessarily the case. He was also constantly making comments about how he could have worded certain things better.
He was nice enough to provide ALL exams he's given while he's taught this course. He told us the most recent practice exam (2023) was going to be the most reflective, which was not 100% true because that exam was much much easier than ours and had questions straight up copy/pasted from previous years. Our exam was much harder than I expected it to be because the fill in the blank questions/MCQ's were each worth a lot of points. Getting one word or question wrong was quite costly. It was sometimes unclear what Wilson was asking for, or two answer choices seemed correct for the MCQ. It was kinda shocking because Wilson made it seem like his exam was going to be the easiest/ most straightforward when in reality it was quite challenging.
Content-wise, Wilson packed a LOT into his lectures. It was hard to sense what was essential info and what was more supplemental/examples. The way he structured his lectures often felt out of order. The man did provide an "elements to know" list with essential terms/concepts however, which did help.
I would argue part 3 was the hardest section of the course because of the structure/teaching style though Wilson is a hella chill guy.
Overall thoughts:
This course definitely takes foundational concepts from Bio 1A and builds on it (with some added Ochem ideas/principles and a bit of math).If you liked Bio 1A you will probably enjoy the course content. The professors were pretty decent but had 3 different teaching styles/course formats so I could see people getting lost with expectations/deadlines/assignments if they didn't attend class in-person. It would have been nice if things were consistent across the three sections.
One issue I had with the course was the lack of transparency regarding course grading. It took many weeks for the first exam to be graded and then the regrade process was a little chaotic. The professors never brought up grade bins during class nor was there anything about grades in the syllabus. I never knew how I was doing or what grade I might get in the class. People kept telling me that to get an A you had to do approx 1.5 stdv above average, which definitely caused some anxiety.
If you have to take this class I'd recommend it in the spring. For the spring semester, you get a 4x6 cheatsheet notecard for every exam (not always useful but still better than nothing). Lecture recordings are always provided (which I heard isn't the case for all 3 sections in the fall). The professors ended up being very generous with the final grade bins for the course. We weren't provided with final cutoffs, but the head GSI suggested that approx 60 percent of the class got some form of A's or B's.
I was fortunate enough to do well in the course, so here is my advice for future students... 1) Don't skip lecture/ always attend in-person! I never missed a single one so keeping up with the material was not an issue. It's super easy to get behind in this class yet significantly difficult to get back on track once you slip up 2) Attend professor OH: I did this off and on but when I did go they were helpful. 3) Go to all review sessions - I attended GSI review sessions, professor review sessions, and the SLC ones - you have nothing to lose by going (more exposure to material the better). 4) Grind out ALL the practice exams/problems provided. They are 100% the best way to prepare for exams. 5) Take good notes and actually review them frequently. 6) Make Quizlet or Anki your best friend: I used flashcards to prep for every section and studied them on the daily. 7) Ask questions on ED or during discussion section: GSI's are very kind & willing to help.
I used the textbook a little bit for part 1 (was somewhat helpful) and did not for parts 2 & 3. You don't need it, nor would I recommend going searching for Youtube videos. Lecture has everything you need. Oh, and there's no cumulative final! Midterm 3 (section 3 exam) happens during the allotted final exam time. Workload for the class is on the lighter side - just some problem sets that are graded on completion.
All in all, I actually enjoyed the course to some extent. It was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions / a challenging journey, but I think if you put in a lot of work/effort and remain positive - an A is not out of reach. This is not a Bio 1A/1B or Chem 1A where you can simply study the night before and still do amazing (all 3 exams had averages between 55 and 60 percent btw). But it's not at all the horrible class people scare you into thinking - it's likely easier than the physics series here and some upper div MCB courses. I wish people didn't make this class seem like it's straight out of a horror movie, but at the same time hearing people's experiences definitely pushed me to work harder.

I am dentist from Turkey, 25Male. I started smoking at 15 and quit at my age of 25! I graduated from university 2 years ago. In Turkey there is an exam for dentists to be expertise in any subject. Which is called DUS. One of the hardest exams in Turkey. You study 8-12 hours with chronometer. From morning to night like 1-2 years and you compete with other dentist in your country. And I started to study for it. The thing is I woke up at 6 in the morning everyday and I studied till I sleep. The subjects are too complex. You sit on a chair whole day (it had been 3 months and I still have chronic neck and back pain. Having physiotherapy for it :(. You are in a room for all day/ whole week. No socialisation. And you are always stressful cause you know you are compiting with other nerds who studies 12 hour a day etc. Anxiety, depression, loneliness any kind of bad feeling is in this shit. After a point it feels like hell. You have idea of what was my situation.
I only had two things. One was to study, other one was to smoke. My only prize was to smoke after a long studying sessions. I was someone already who had a huge smoking addiction. I wouldn't just smoke ciggarete. I would inhale with all of my lungs till tobacco burns like volcano. If you are addicted enough you know what I mean :). And this Exam thing put me in a very bad situation. I went from smoking 1 packet to 2 packets. I wouldn't think anything other than ciggaratte. I would snatch the filters of my ciggarettes to inhale nicotine better. Imagine how addicted I was to that shit.
And it was like 3 months till the exam. My most stresfull days were came. And I had huge cough attacks. I was lying my parents about my coughs. I would always say them I got flu or something :) I knew it was ciggaratte that was giving me cough attacks. But I was lying to myself. Never accepted it but Ciggaratte was already cursed me. I had other symptoms of COAH too. (whizzling, shortness of breath etc.)
One day I just ended my studying session for the day. I got into the bed and was coughing like hell. I was mentally drained. I was the most unhappy person in the earth. I had no morals to live. I was crying to myself about Exam. I had already lost my health. I had nothing in my hands. I was going to smoke because I felt sad. and I just said to myself. I wasnt going to be a victim. I had enough. I was going to fight myself. Just got on my computer and wondered how people on earth quits smoking? I googled it up and bumped on a post at reddit about allen carr. In first I thought it was a bullshit or something. I found it funny to quit smoking just by a book. How could it be possible? And I thought I had nothing to lose and read the book till half that night. Had a half pack of ciggarette. Threw it in thrash can. It was never on my mind to quit smoking. But it just happened and in the morning I was a person who was trying to quit smoking. First 3 days gone hard. Everytime I felt withdrawals I said to myself "You see what does this poison do to you, This is a fucking dope. And this withdrawals proves such a toxic thing it is!" So everytime I had withdrawals I thought that this shit was a dope and it was evil. But after 3 days I just realized I was good with it. I was feeling much better. next week I started to run and do sports . While I was studying I would give myself a 1hour break in the middle of the day. And would go to run or to play soccer. I couldnt believe to myself. Just in 1 week I was breathing again. Life was colourfull again. and days gone like these. now I am a person who plays soccer, who runs in his freetime, goes to gym etc. ( I would be breathless if I had walked from my home to market when I smoked.)
And There is one very important I want to say to people. I wish I had know how easy was it to quit smoking. Whole media, market, internet is planned to teach people it is "Hard to quit smoking". This Idea is engraved in every person's brain by media. I remember from my childhood till this day. Every body told me about how hard it is to quit smokking. Every commercial, every elder person I know, every friend(Even the non-smokers think it is very hard to quit smoke). It is all bullshit! QUITTING SMOKING IS EASY! Don't be afraid! Don't be coward! It is freaking easy! That is it. Media traps you in that idea "to Quit Smoking is Hard". Just know that idea is bullshit. And give a try to quit smoking! I Will be try to active and reply if you have any questions. Just believe in yourself! Nothing is bigger than you.

Everything is spiraling out of control. I’m a stay at home mom with a 4 year old son and a 1 year old son… 4 year old caught the stomach flu last Sunday (almost two weeks ago). Luckily my ex and I have a good relationship and even though I was supposed to pick my son up, he kept him for the next few days to take care of him. He came home on Wednesday completely symptom-free… but I KNEW he was still contagious. A FULL week later, my 1 year old caught it. He has been v* for almost 4 days now.
I am in therapy, but still in the early stages. Not much improvement yet, and I won’t see my therapist for another week because he is on vacation. I had the worst meltdown I have ever had. I haven’t eaten in four days. Barely drinking water because I’m terrified that I touch the water bottle caps and then the virus is on the cap. I can’t really do open cups because of the baby. Any time the baby even touches my water bottle, I throw it out. Ive been trying not to leave my bed and I’ve changed the sheets 8 times now. I have been taking zofran but I try not to take it too much because it gives me bad constipation. I took Xanax two nights in a row and my fiance has had to come home from work twice, even though he still has to work from home.
I am not ok. I had a little bit of soup and bread earlier which helped a little, but now I have severe body aches. I think it may be related to the Xanax but I’m not sure… I’ve never taken Xanax before and only had it prescribed for these extreme moments. But the aches are so bad and feel very flu-like.
I feel like the world’s worst mother. I sent my 4 year old to stay with grandma, and I can barely touch my 1 year old because I am so afraid of catching what he has. I have been showering multiple times a day and my hands look like they are made out of leather and hurt so bad from how dry they are because I wash my hands any time I touch literally anything in the house.
The emotional pain is unbearable. I am failing my children. I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to take Xanax again especially if these body aches are from the Xanax.
Oh, on top of it all, my fiance spent $10,000 on a special weekend trip for just the two of us that we have been planning for an entire year (non-refundable) and I am so terrified to even leave the house because I don’t want to be away from home and all of a sudden get sick from this virus. I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him I don’t want to go but I can see the sadness in his face even when he says “Please go. It’s going to be ok, but I also want to make sure you’re ok, too.” I know he is getting so backed up with work from having to come home to take the baby from me. He is hiding his stress so well and I feel so guilty. I can barely function. I don’t know what to do. I keep telling myself “Neither of the boys’ dads got sick you and they are not obsessively washing themselves like you are, you are going to be ok.” But also, I am the one who cleans up all of the sick because I feel I am the only one who will do a thorough enough job… so really, I’m exposed to it the most. What do I do? Do I risk going on this trip? How do I get out of this emotional pain? I’ve never had an episode this bad. I am completely lost. People don’t understand the pain we go through. It’s the worst pain. It truly is.

Hi. First, all of this was caused by my state of depression from dealing with a severe ear condition that has been ruining my life, which I've talked about in hyperacusis. However, I understand and accept that this is still entirely my fault.
I have had asthma for most of my life and have been in relatively decent control of it. But recently I’ve been exposed to airborne mold. This has happened before, when the first time I had forgotten a tied-up grocery bag of food in my closet, and by the time I’d thrown it out, it had mold inside, with lots of moisture inside and out. Otherwise, there were absolutely no stains or visible mold anywhere to be seen, so I know that it was only airborne mold, plus the air was thicker with a particular smell. It lasted for a month and a half, since I had no idea what to do, and eventually lead to mold allergies that started after a month; dry mouth, sore throat, congestion, runny nose, sneezing, dark phlegm, eye gunk, dry cough, and ruining my voice. The worst of it was how badly it affected my asthma, with shortness of breath and tight chest that kept getting worse.
I forgot the square footage of the room, maybe roughly 700, but I guess it’s medium-sized. I also live in central Florida, where it’s very hot and humid. Plus, I have carpeted floors that it must have probably seeped into. I tried airing the room out by opening the window for a long time, and even circulating the air with two big fans, spraying with Lysol, getting an air purifier, and trying two different dehumidifiers, but nothing worked. And now I can't leave my window open because of loud cars passing by, or have loud machines like noisy dehumidifiers, because of my ear condition.
At that time, I had a service done to treat it, and all my allergy symptoms completely went away, and my asthma got a little better. Now there is airborne mold once again, for nearly two months this time, because of another bag I had tied up with a small amount of food left from dinner I didn’t finish from the rare time I’d lost my appetite. Even though the amount of mold inside the bag was much smaller this time, the airborne mold is still in my room and affecting me. While the allergy symptoms are a lot tamer, my asthma is still getting the worst of it again, with my breath getting shorter and chest feeling tighter almost every day now, especially with having my inhaler being the only thing left to take, since I can’t afford my Spiriva Respimat and Advair Diskus without insurance, which is what helped a lot more last time.
The mold treatment service is 600 dollars, and since I can’t work in person because of my ear condition, along with struggling to find a remote job online, I have no way of affording it again at the moment.
Is it possible for me to be able to take care of this myself? And how can I treat my asthma from mold exposure? At least with helping the shortness of breath and tight chest.