(F24) Some bg: I live with my boyfriend and in-laws. I love them, they’re a great family and I fully intend on marrying my bf. He knows I hate children, and on our first date we discussed it. I’ve had several nervous breakdowns where I imagine him changing his mind on me(been together almost 3 years), and he’s talked me through it, promising me that he is fulfilled with having me in his life. Now, I know he respects me, I feel it. I think he understands why I am like I am. My grandma, for example, did NOT want many children but ended up with five. “God will decide how many” my grandpa told her. This explains why my grandma was never that involved with us, and I absolutely do not resent her. I actually really admire and respect her (she passed around 2009).
I was made to be a little therapist for my mother and her issues with my problematic older sister, to the point where I, as a young child would wonder why my mom couldn’t just force my sister to go to therapy. “she doesnt want to” well no shit, but your’e the adult???? I also have a memory of my mother crying in her studio when I was around 12, we were home alone and she told me “I wish I hadn’t given up my career to have kids. You should wait” Wow thanks mom! I love knowing im a source of pain for you 💕 Not going to give mental problems later on (I’ve had major depressive disorder for 12 years now). I even remember demoting Ariel from my favourite princess when she became a mom in the second movie because I thought it immediately made her lame as fuck 😭🤧
Anyways.
Our neighbours have 4 kids. I have NEVER seen their parents, but they always play outside on OUR LAWN. My in-laws are very sweet people, I can tell they get a bit annoyed, but they like kids, and they don’t want to discourage children from being outside instead of on the internet. I agree with this, and even though they fuck up the grass playing soccer, its not really MY house and I, personally am not expected to maintain the lawn, so idgaf.
I even feel a little bad for them. Last halloween, they looked extremely bored. My MIL and I went out to decorate the lawn, and all of them crossed over to ask if they could help us with the decorations. My initial reaction (in my head) is 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. But even though I dislike children, I am not mean to them and I don’t let it show. How will you say no in from of your MIL without looking like an evil witch? They helped us. I ended up hanging out AND supervising (parents nowhere to be found, knives, etc around us (they ended up carving the pumpkins my MIL bought for us to carve) with these 4 kids for around 3 hours. In my mind, I was like “this us my good deed for the year” LMAO.
Anyways. Back to the lawn issue. They play soccer and often kick the ball into the backyard. Now, I’m not a fucking witch and understand that it happens, but they got into the habit of playing on the lawn while waiting for the school bus in the morning. Whenever they kick the ball into the yard, they obviously panic since the bus is coming and proceed to bang and kick on the front door while clicking the door bell 7000009 times. I put up with it around 10 times, until one day, I told my bf that we should just pop the ball and tell them our dog got to it first. Sorry! Happens! He originally laughed and said “Yeah we should” The next day it happened again. “Can I pop the ball?”
“You cant just pop their ball, baby, its kind of mean”
I went on to talk about how when I was little I wouldn’t even think of ringing the bell to a house in the morning because my parents would’ve been pissed at me. My parents were actually very strict with me growing up which I guess solidified my CF status as I now have 0 tolerance for misbehaviour. Other things I’d like to point out is that they are aware that we have a dog, and enjoy pissing him the fuck off by banging on the window to get his attention. So we’ve gotten a beautiful dog loosing his shit wake up alarm along the doorbell, rung as if someone is desperately trying to run away from a serial killer by seeking asylum in the house, but no, its just kids wanting their stupid ass ball back before they get picked up for school.
When I told my bf that they cant just keep doing that because its FUCKING RUDE, he said:
“I think you’re just a little intolerant of children, babe” NO SHIT??? I HATE KIDS DUDE!!! Then he said something that really pissed me off.
“How would you feel if our dog was poisoned by a neighbour because its barking uncontrollably. It’s not a correct reaction.”
FIRST OF ALL: MY DOG IS NOT ALLOWED TO BARK UNCONTROLLABLY. I HAVE TRAINED IT TO NOT DO THAT BECAUSE I HATE CONFRONTATION. If kids are coming to terrorize him in HIS OWN PORCH, I am not going to yell at him for that. But that’s irrelevant. Whenever my dog is out on the yard, there is NO BARKING UNCONTROLLABLY because its annoying as fuck at ANY time of day and I ACTUALLY CONSIDER my neighbours.
Second. how the fuck is that equivalent to the situation?
“Are you serious???? You’re comparing someone KILLING my animal to me popping a fucking soccer ball that’s worth no more than $20????????????? And how dare you fucking say something like that when I literally BABYSAT THEM ON HALLOWEEN. I have been NOTHING but nice to them”
I even stop smoking on my porch if they come out out of consideration even though this is MY fucking house.
We actually had a bit of fight over it but then he apologized to me over the comparison. “Yeah, I guess it’s not the same, sorry, I just couldn’t think of something else to compare it to, but you cant just pop the ball without at least trying to talk to them first”
Tbh in my mind, tough world. Not every stranger is going to be nice about teaching random kids a lesson. Its not my responsibility to play mombie to some RANDOM ASS kids. but then I started feeling like an evil witch. It does make more sense to talk to them first.
the argument and convo ended with me apologizing to him. “you’re right. I’m sorry for saying this.” And I do feel ashamed of suggesting to pop their ball. I guess my real bone is with the parents, but I cant help the fact that I hate children. I decided from now on that any comment on the kids its over. But will I also refuse to interact with them beyond a greeting. I am nobody’s free babysitter EVER AGAIN.

I’ve learned how to say “no thank you” in at least nine languages, and longer phrases in more (like “thank you, please let’s speak English now. I don’t really know the language but my mother in law is mean.”)
I’ve been with my partner for almost four years. He argues that she doesn’t like me because she only hears about me when things are on the rocks for us, which is fair, but none of those times have been that awful. Less than a year in, we broke up for about four weeks and he moved back in. No abuse or anything like that, we were just figuring ourselves and each other out.
I’d never met her before this past Thanksgiving. We’d been together for three years at that point and he told them we planned to get married. We were there for one day, just for Thanksgiving dinner, and she spent so much of her energy trying to keep me at arms length from everyone.
She knows I have food allergies and there was only food I couldn’t eat. She complained that I was being picky. We’d been up for a long time and I laid down in the guest room (with my bf’s permission and leading) only for her to complain that I was being a drama queen and withholding myself from the rest of the family. I was on it for the three little ones there, all under eight years old, for five hours before that happened or I was offered food. (And the food I was offered would have made me very sick.) When I didn’t eat much, I was accused of being picky and rude, and when I did get sick, she made a big deal of asking other people there to drive me and my bf back to where we were staying. She wouldn’t pay any of the traditional family board games until I left. It was humiliating and she did nothing to hide her disdain for me. She even excluded me from the gift giving part of the evening.
I’d been dating her son for three years, and she never asked me anything about me or what I did or what my interests are. She implied that I was using him for money (there is none) and that I’ve never accomplished anything (I have.)
Everything blew up this week when she asked my bf to forget moving into a new place with me (we’ve already been living together for two years) and to move in with his pregnant sister, forty miles away from where we are now to “take care of her” because “he’s the uncle” and she’s”worried.” (She has a guest room in her house and lives four minutes away from the sister. There are other options.)
It just crushed me. I truly want to go no contact, but I know my bf won’t/can’t with his family. I know he deeply dislikes his mom, but I don’t know if he’ll ever stand up to her on my account.
I hate arguments or confrontations, and have truly done my best to be a good guest, but it’s at a point that I can’t ignore it.
I already speak two languages other than my native language, and I’ve been learning sister languages, along with some foreign dialects that I can legitimately practice. (I have a few Russian friends, for example.)
I’m starting to feel too old for this kind of shit. I feel like using different languages would allow me to say what I need to say without there being a Jerry Springer type blow out, and without having to put my bf in an uncomfortable situation with his family (siblings included.)
I could say a lot of stuff in English, but it would be burning an entire bridge. I’m at the point where I feel like it’s this, or no contact with them, or my bf and I have to break up. We’re a really good match, we love each other, we’re working towards the same goals together. He incredibly aware that his familial situation is toxic, even more so since my nut job family has accepted him with open arms.
There’s times I feel like I should just shut up and take it, and times I feel like I should burn it to the ground (metaphorically) and times I feel like I should respect that he still wants a relationship with his family no matter how much they frustrate and hurt him.
AITAH for opting for the half measure?

TW: brief mentions of depression, suicidal ideation, and attempted suicide
When I (28F) was growing up, I was the golden child of the family. I didn't know it back then. Up until I was in high school I had a younger sister and an older half sister I only saw a few times a year. It wasn't like I never got in trouble or got yelled at, in fact I have a very vivid and hurtful memory where I was called a liar by my parents when I was being 100% truthful (they just didn't want to hear it and wanted someone to be mad at I guess), and then I was told to just "suck it up and get over it". But compared to my younger sister, who was compared to me in every way, I always had the perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect behavior, etc. Our parents, especially our mother, who was the main parent taking care of us during the week, pretty much pitted us against each other constantly. My little sister was being told she needed to be more like me, and I was told my sister was a bad kid. I would try to help her stay out of trouble as a kid and would get mad when she didn't listen to me because i didnt understand she was just being herself and didn't need to be exactly like me. Up until college, I didn't understand that my sister didn't need to change, she needed her parents to love her as she was and help her instead of trying to mold her into some ideal of perfection. We were picked apart constantly about every little thing we did, and I was expected to always somehow know everything even if I'd never learned it before. My house was full of constant yelling due to the extremely high expectations and my mother's terrible temper, and it became a very stressful place to be starting when i was around 10. We went through a lot of financial hardships as well since I was very young, so I dont want to dismiss how hard things were for my parents and how much they went through. But I have always been hyper aware of how much it costs for me to exist as my mom stressed so many times over the years that she couldn't afford to buy even a new shirt because she had to buy stuff for us, as if that was at all our fault.
When i was in high school, my baby brother was born. He pretty much instantly became the new golden child, not only because he was the youngest and the only boy, but because it became clear at a very young age how intelligent he is. I was a straight A honors kid and he was blowing me out of the water since he learned to read. I didn't mind at all because 1) I was going to be going to college in a couple years, and 2) with our age difference, he was as much my son as my brother, and I took on a very loving parental role with him of my own volition. I also saw the promise in him and I wanted him to live a happy life. My little sister and him are very close to this day, at least to my knowledge. During this time they were still coming down really hard on my little sister, treating her as well as they always had - meaning they still yelled at her constantly and were overly critical of her and everything she even thought about doing. They talked about sending her to military school more than once, and pretty much resigned themselves to the idea my sister would never be able to live on her own before she even got to high school, let alone graduated.
Flash forward to when I was in college, I started coming home and noticing things about how my parents treated my sister, and for the first time I saw it for how terrible it was for her. The distance and time I spent away from the house helped my little sister and I completely change our relationship by my second or third year. What really solidified it was a series of events that happened my junior and senior years of college.
My sister moved to our town with her husband with their 2 very young boys, and we soon found out she was pregnant with twins. That is kind of where it all began to fall apart. Time showed not only that her husband is a massive pos, but also potentially abusive, although we never got concrete proof. As my sister's pregnancy progressed and they struggled to get on their feet, my parents started watching my nephews for hours at a time, sometimes the whole day. And if my parents had to babysit out of nowhere and put their lives on hold, me and my younger siblings were expected to do the same. No toys, no books, no games - nothing. Essentially, the entire house was expected to babysit in a way that i have been told wasn't normal. Even my little brother was expected to take on this role in caring for kids who were only a couple years younger than him. I spent my entire childhood taking care of my little sister and then my baby brother, and I hated seeing how they were doing the same to him when me and my little sister were at the age where it shouldve been left up to us. I started really butting heads with my parents as the situation progressed because they started yelling at my baby brother when the boys would even bump their heads even though it wasnt his fault. He never mistreated them, hit them, pushed them , or anything, so my parents justified it by saying he wasn't being a "good uncle" by "letting them" bump their heads on the tv stand, for example. He was expected to let them play with all of his toys, and my mom tried letting the boys use things that were very important to my brother, which would've ended up with the boys taking those things home. Saying it that way makes it sound a lot more mild that it was, but I'm trying to save time and not give out too many personal details. I guess you could say in short, my parents began expecting my elementary school age brother to give up his time, his space, his toys, his gifts - anything that meant anything to him, to help care for children when he was still a child not much older than them. I ended up giving my baby brother my room to not only keep his stuff in, but to sleep in.
In the end, my sister had the twins and then moved back to her home state about 6 months later. We think her no good husband lied to her about us and she cut contact with all of us, and we haven't heard from her since. In our house, the damage was done. I had long conversations with my little sister when our parents weren't around about how she needed to get out because of how they were treating her, and how I would eventually graduate and move to a city where I could find a job. But neither of us wanted to leave our little brother in that house because we were worried how they would treat him when we both left. Our parents had already proven they would throw any of us to the side at any second, even their golden child baby boy, and blame even him for anything that went wrong. Our parents have a history of spilling all our business at any holiday meal and badmouthing any little mistake. They would talk shit about us in front of us and shame us in front of family our entire lives, and if my sister and i weren't there to take the brunt of it, how long until they turned on my baby brother. Would they even wait until he wasn't "perfect" anymore?
Throughout all of this, I was struggling a lot in college, and starting around junior year i became very depressed and suicidal, which resulted in a major attempt in my 5th year of college, which to this day i don't like talking about. Before that, however, I went to my mom about feeling depressed and told her i thought i needed to talk to someone. She brushed me off. I was dumb enough to think that maybe she thought i was exaggerating, so i tried a second time to ask her for help about a year later, and she brushed me off again. Part of me blames her almost entirely for my attempts, because i came to her before any of them because i knew thats where it was headed if i didnt get help. All she had to do was make a couple phone calls to find me someone to talk to and she couldn't even do that for me. I was a scared girl who needed her mom's help because i didnt know who to turn to, and she turned her back on me. After my final attempt, I pulled myself up and got help, but my financial aid ran out and I was unable to return to school and finish my degree, so I went back to my parents house and was absolutely miserable for the next 6 months. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't "perfect" like i was supposed to be. I felt suffocated every single day and like the only ones who wanted me there were my siblings. One day I tried a little experiment and sat in the living room with my mom for the entire day and she didn't say one single word to me, didnt even acknowledge my existence. Ever since the stuff with my nephews happened, I had doubled my efforts to protect my siblings and take the brunt of my mom's anger, so I pushed back a lot when they tried to get onto my siblings for ridiculous things. I ended up ghosting my friends for 3 months because I was so depressed, and it really scared them. It was then I knew i had to get out of that house or it would kill me, so I moved into my grandparents' house a town over.
Things at my grandparents' house started okay, and i was even able to confide in them what had been going on at my parents' house, which in the end turned out to be a big mistake. I got a job working overnight at a retail store and met the guy who is now my boyfriend of 3 years. Unfortunately, the longer i spent at my grandparents' house the more i saw where my mom got it from, and they ended up treating me just as bad as what was going on at my parents' house. The only difference was that my sister wasn't there so i was taking the brunt of all of it. When things started getting tough for them after my grandpa retired, instead of sitting down with me like an adult and asking if it would contribute financially, my grandpa cornered me in the car when he was driving me back from work and guilted money out of me with a sob story. And guilted me at the dinner table the second time when they needed more money. One time i walked in the house after work and before i had even taken my shoes off or put my purse down to get my wallet out, he blocked the door to my room with his hand out like a loan shark to give him the money. I payed for all my own expenses, took short showers and kept as many lights off as i could, and told them not to buy me anything, even food. And in the end, even though they guilted me for money, then more money, and promised they wouldnt kick me out, they sold the house out from under me when they knew i was still trying to save for an apartment with what little money i had left a month. I ended up having to live with my best friend and her husband or i wouldve been homeless. I still helped them move even when they f-ed me over. And even after all that, I still went to holidays and visited my parents from time to time.
The last time i saw my grandparents they ran into me and my best friend in a store. My grandpa saw me first (he and my grandma were in different parts of the store), and starting yelling at me for pretty much cutting them off since i hadn't been to see them for months, and then when he started realizing he looked like the bad guy tried to make the reason i stopped talking to them about politics (i live in a conservative area) as if that would justify it. When my friend and i were trying to grab one last thing before we left because i was humiliated and trying not to cry, my grandma cornered me at the deli counter, had me pinned between the counter and a cart so i couldn't leave, and started yelling at me too. I was so broken back then, but i tried to tell both of them i would talk to them but not in the store. They just wanted to scream so we left. I haven't spoken to them since and have no plans to.
Eventually i moved 2 hours away back to the city i had went to college in. During that time, my grandparents drove the 3 hours to try to find where i lived, and then called trying to get me to come downstairs. I was asleep for work at the time but it made me feel so uncomfortable that they would do that. And after living there a year and my bf and i commuting to visit each other every other week, it came to the point where if i wanted our relationship to continue i had to move back. This is not something he ever brought up to me, this was a decision I came to on my own. So two years ago I moved back to the area I grew up in. We live an hour away from my hometown and 30 minutes away from the town i met my boyfriend in. And although he has family in both areas that we visit, I haven't seen or really talked to my parents or siblings since i initially moved out of the area.
A year ago, after a year of silence from me and from my parents, I dropped a box off at my parents' house when they weren't home with souvenirs i got them on vacation when i first moved back, short letters to each of them about the gifts, and a long video letter on a flash drive explaining everything I felt because i knew i couldn't go on without being honest and i knew if i tried to have a conversation in person, they wouldn't listen to me. I told them i wanted to keep them in my life but i couldn't ignore everything that had happened and the ways they treated me and my younger siblings. I told them i had no interest in continuing a relationship with my grandparents and that anything they have told them probably wasnt true. I sent them scans of my diaries as "proof" that i wasn't lying because that's the kind of house i grew up in - if you couldnt prove it, it didnt happen. I laid myself completely bare so that i could heal, knowing the whole time they may never want to speak to me again. I gave them pictures of me and my boyfriend and my new phone number anyway. The only thing i didn't give them was my address because we live on his family's land and his family, knowing a bit about my family and also about my grandparents essentially stalking me, don't want anyone from my family nosing around on the property. I don't want that either so i agreed not to give it out. The people in my life who knew about the box and the letter turned video letter were supportive of the idea given all i had been through, and I thought dropping it off would be the end of things.
Since then, I have healed from everything that has happened. I'm still angry and sad and i feel like I'm grieving every day, but I'm not the spineless, scared girl i used to be. My boyfriend has helped me become a better person in so many ways. But i still miss my family, especially my dad. I feel like he didnt deserve what i've done for reasons i cant go into, because the reality is he depends a lot on what my mom tells him because he works, and he trusts her deeply. I feel like in some regards he depended too much on her word, although he isnt completely innocent. There's obviously a lot more to my story that what I have here or else I'd be writing an autobiography, but just know if this all sounds like it isn't a big deal, I have so many stories and so much more detail that isn't safe to give out here.
The reality is my parents and i pushed each other away until we all became strangers long before everything blew up. I felt like a stranger from the time i left for college. I was made to feel like if i wasn't at home, i was a second thought, and a lot of very serious issues happened while i was away that i didnt find out about until i came home. My last year of college i was physically starving and could only afford to eat one meal a day if that. When i had left for school at the beginning of that school year my mother made it clear i had to figure it all out myself because they had no money to give me, but then i came home for Christmas and everyone but me had all new electronics. I cried asking for money to buy my uniform to start my campus job but they bought all new computers and tablets. And that stung.
Last Christmas, my parents and siblings messaged me. It was the first time I had heard from them since before i dropped off the box. It was just a Merry Christmas, but it absolutely shocked me. And then they all messaged again on my birthday. Same thing, just little pleasantries, but it makes me feel like maybe that door isn't closed. However, I have absolutely no idea if we can move forward, if they want to, or even if its a good idea to try. I have struggled a lot since college about whether or not all of this and everything I wasn't able to share here is or is not a big deal. I've had people close to me listen to my whole story and call it emotional neglect and abuse, but I just don't know. I feel crazy most of the time, and I'm afraid I'm exaggerating or making it up for attention or something, which also doesn't make sense. I struggle a lot in my day to day. I am ruled by the emotions of those around me and i cower like a kicked puppy when people around me are upset, even if its not my fault. I get ashamed when i make a mistake or i'm not "perfect", and if my feelings are valid I have no idea if it would be a good idea to get back in touch. But i think about if/when my boyfriend and i get married, and how i have no family to sit on my side. It sometimes feels like it's my fault because i wasn't strong enough to just shut up and deal with it anymore. At this point I dont know what is the right answer, what's going to finally give me peace. For now, I just keep moving forward trying to build a better life with my boyfriend and hope all the pieces will fall into place later.

My bf followed this girl on instagram like 5 months ago, an account of a girl he used to go to school with. I noticed his following count went up one day so I checked and never had seen her before I asked about it, he said it was an accident, unfollowed her and we moved on. I know it was a problem on my part for even asking or noticing, but im insecure and we were going through a rough patch at the time.
Flash forward to today it randomly popped in my head again. The girl my bf followed is a single mom and today i saw a video of some girl saying pregnant woman are the biggest homewreckers, literally not true and a dumb video but it made the girl pop into my head. I brought it up to my boyfriend again and asked if they’ve talked at all while we’ve been together, he said no. I asked if they ever had anything he said no. I get it’s not my business but at the same time if it was someone he had feelings for then was following now it’d be worrisome.
But I then went onto Facebook and searched my boyfriend’s Facebook, and saw he was friends with her on there too. Which makes sense, he’s had the account for years but I asked him “you have her on Facebook too?”. He started getting so irritated with me asking me what im trying to find and why im trying to be all investigative and I might as well just ask her directly instead of doing all this work if I don’t trust his word. I tried ending the fight but he just kept calling me disrespectful, said we just had a nice three days together and immediately I go and find something to be mad about.
I get why he’s upset but at the same time was I in the wrong for what I did? The situation didn’t get properly addressed to begin with, you don’t really follow someone on accident but I rolled with it and let it go. Today my anxiety got the best of me and I couldn’t just drop it. Was searching if they are friends on Facebook too far? That’s the part he’s calling majorly disrespectful, but I feel it’s not wrong to go and see if your boyfriend is friends with a girl on Facebook if he randomly followed her on instagram. But it is five months later to be fair. I just didn’t let myself dwell on it when I first noticed because I didn’t want it to be anything. I don’t know. I’m just hurting bad and apologized but it wasn’t good enough. I feel he just views me as a crazy disrespectful woman :(

Ever found yourself in a situation where you think you've forgiven someone—whether it's a parent, a friend, or an ex—for something they've done, but now you don't want to see them again? It's natural to start doubting if you've truly forgiven them. Is it really forgiveness if you're not willing to reconcile or not see them again?
One common misconception about forgiveness is the belief that it involves allowing the person who wronged us back into our lives or needing to engage in some sort of negotiation with them. But that's not what forgiveness is about. Forgiveness isn't about the other person at all—it's about you and your own inner peace.
Forgiveness, simply put, is releasing the anger and resentment you harbor towards someone who has wronged you. It's about letting go of those negative feelings. When you're able to let go of the anger and resentment caused by another person's actions, it signifies that you have a choice in how you respond to the situation. This choice can lead in different directions, depending on your own journey towards forgiveness.
You have the freedom to decide whether you want to reconnect with the person who hurt you or to keep your distance. However, this choice is influenced by your inner feelings and the level of peace you experience when considering seeing them again. A good indicator of whether you've truly forgiven someone is to examine your actions and attitudes towards that person. For instance, if you're questioning whether you've forgiven them and find that you don't want to see them, it may suggest that there is still some resistance and you may not have fully let go of the anger and resentment you have towards them.
It's important to recognize that there may be another reason for not wanting to see them: a sense of indifference towards them. In this case, you don't feel negative emotions or harbor any resentment or hate towards them. That is what true forgiveness is all about, it’s you releasing the burden of past hurts and atrocities inflicted upon you. It's about letting go of that weight and finding peace within yourself. You don’t have to reconcile or even see them, you just reconcile within yourself by acknowledging the hurt and letting it go.
Once you've released the burden of resentment, you regain a sense of freedom and choice. For example, if you've forgiven a parent, you can decide whether to visit them or not without feeling conflicted. Both options feel equally acceptable because you've detached from any lingering negative emotions. Similarly, when it comes to the person you don't want to see, your decision is based on choice rather than fear or lingering anger. You're at peace with either seeing them or not and it doesn’t stir some feelings of hate and resentment towards them.
Forgiveness isn't about the other person; it's about your own inner journey. It's a profound process that can't be rushed. You need to let yourself truly feel the anger and resentment, allowing those emotions to surface and be acknowledged. It's not a simple action you can just perform—it's a process of allowing yourself to confront and process those difficult feelings. Once you've faced them head-on and processed them, you'll realize that forgiveness isn't as overwhelming as it may seem. It's about forgiving yourself for enduring what you did, rather than absolving the other person of their actions. They serve as reminders of past pain, but it's your journey to heal from it. If encountering them triggers those familiar feelings of hurt and resentment, it's a sign that there’s still some work to be done. It's a deeply personal journey that only you can navigate, and it's not something you can simply announce to the other person—it's an internal realization that you reach on your own terms, by allowing yourself to feel, release, and let go of those emotions.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

I'm looking for a light novel series with a story line similar to Death Mage, Arifureta, Kumo Desu (so I'm a spider so what), or even Reincarnated as a slime. I particularly liked the styles of Death Mage and Kumo Desu as there's a decent combination of humor, plot drive, and a sense of growth for the character while also being ridiculously OP.
In Arifureta particularly I quite liked Hajime's relationship with Yue (yea I know, it was corny and overplayed but hey, what can I say? Monkey brain activate). It was a bit refreshing to just have them dive right in unlike every other story I've read where there's an implied love interest (or several) but nothing ever happens, leading to 10 novels of awkward glances. The only thing I wasn't big on was the harem angle which seems to be quite common in light novels.
I thought Reincarnated as a Slime was alright, but there is far too much faffing about for my tastes. It feels like there are 200 pages of board room meetings, followed by another 100 pages of board room meetings, finishing out with a 30 page fight described as if it's a board room meeting. All while the MC could easily just go knock some heads and solve the problem instantly.
So yeah, there's a few examples of what I'm looking for and what I'm not. Any knowledgeable enjoyers out there with recommendations? Completed works are preferable of course, everyone loves being able to complete a story, but I'm not opposed to in-progress works. Please do include in your recommendations what state they're in, either way.
P.S. - I do hope I did the thing correctly by tagging this with spoiler and putting [REC] in the title as it says to in the posting guidelines. My apologies if it's not formatted correctly, I did my ready best.

Firstly, I'd like to state that, as always, I am not trying to police what anyone write. Fanfiction is for the writer first and foremost, so I'm just trying to start a discussion.
I find reaction fics, despite being a fairly odd concept, to be a fun idea, and I enjoy reading them. That said, there is one big complaint I have when it comes to them; bloated casts.
The larger you make your cast, the more reactions you have to write from each character, and the more likely their reactions will blend together. How do you write everyone from Classes 1-A, 1-B, their parents, their teachers, and all of the other pro-heroes while still giving relevance too every character? Whatever the theoretical answer, the practically always results in most characters only get a few lines per chapter. At that point, why not just cut a few characters out?
The problem is amplified when you start to mix heroes and villains together. Why would Shigaraki, Dabi, or Toga care about something horrific they see, when they are serial murderers? They wouldn't, and they would most likely mock the heroes who do care. This mean that the reaction fic either turns into a "Deku and Shigaraki bickering fic", or you have to write the villains OOC.
When you need to have your own ASB/ROB step in and stop the cast from getting out of control and/or fighting each other, it starts to feel unwieldy.
I would suggest looking at whatever media/fic you are using as the subject of reaction, and then limit yourself based on that.
Are you writing a fic where the cast reacts to the series? Consider limiting yourself to just 1-A, 1-B, or the LoV, rather than all three. 1-A gets the opportunity to reflect on what has happened to them, whilst also getting forewarning about what may happen in the future. 1-B gets to see that their "rivals" actually lead pretty terrifying lives, and maybe they should tone down the interclass rivalry rhetoric. The LoV also gets the chance to reflect, but in a different way. All of the potential dynamics are heavily muted when the three are combined into one.
For that matter, going even smaller than Class 1-A might be a good idea. Writing, say, just Deku, his immediate group of friends, and, possibly, Bakugou, would allow you to focus much more intimately on each character. You would lose width, yes, but you might gain depth.
To give an example of what I mean, one of the best reaction fics I have ever read is a RWBY fic titled Describing The Series Via References. In the fic, Team RWBY receives a mysterious device which informs them that, in another universe, there is a show that, by sheer cosmic coincidence, happens to line up exactly with the major events of their lives, including their futures.
They are then given the ability to use this device to learn about the future, with a single caveat: the only thing they have access to is the memes within the FNDM. They can see what volume the memes come from, but they have no other context for them, resulting in Team RWBY having to attempt to avert disaster by figuring out what the memes mean.
One interesting element of the story is the culture clash. Team RWBY don't get all of the references made, because most of the outside media referenced simply does not exist in their world. They hear the name "Zootopia", and assume from the name that it is a bigoted film about faunus. They hear the word "furry", and are horrified, because that word is a grievous anti-faunus slur in their world. There is a meme that calls Ren a "Genji main", but Team RWBY have no idea what that means, because Overwatch doesn't exist in their world.
None of these references are explained to them, either. They have to figure things out on their own, and sometimes they just have to accept that they aren't going to understand a reference. Furthermore, they don't just idle with this information, they whatever they can figure out in order to stop bad things from happening in the future.
Eventually, another character, Penny, joins them after they discover memes that expose her biggest secret early, which results in them having an earlier and deeper friendship with her. At the end of the day, however, the fic limits itself to five primary characters, and it benefits immensely from that.
That's about all I had to say. Again, write what you want, I was just curious to see what others thought of this.
Also, sorry if this post is written badly, I just got out of bed in the middle of the night and decided to type this up.
EDIT: Fixed a few spelling mistake, though there are probably many more. Again, just woke up.

After sixty-seven sessions of Curse of Strahd (read all about it here), it was time for a change. So into the wild we went...
My group is nearing the end of Hither, and along the way I've written summaries of each session ("What Just Happened?"), along with interesting/funny quotes from PCs/NPCs ("Certain Things Were Said"), and a list of new characters introduced that session ("Dramatis Personae").
My intention is to write the summaries for each of the five parts of the campaign in a different format. For the Witchlight Carnival, each summary was presented in verse (my own, no machine learning shortcuts!), using the the metre and rhyming structure of various Lewis Carrol poems.
I'd like to share my summaries/poems with you all here, for posterity, and in the hope you'll find them entertaining.
For reference, the players are:

• Holafina (a harengon paladin who has lost three inches of height)
• Skerrek (a kobold druid who has lost the ability to lie)
• Arix (an owlin monk who has lost all sense of direction and is always hungry)
• Jexim (a brash fairy who has lost his diary)
• Sylenos (a beatnik, slacker satyr employed by the Carnival)

NOTE: Lewis Carroll was known to hide secret messages in his poems. I've done the same, revealing the campaign's big twist in one of the poems below. None of my players have picked up on it.

Part I: Welcome to the Witchlight

What Just Happened? (in the style of Jabberwocky)
’Twas twilight when the carnival Did open wide two golden gates, And those with tickets did arrive, Seeking things they had misplaced.
One harengon of curious size, A kobold with a slithy gait, An owlet who possessed two eyes As wide as Annam’s dinner plates.
Yet are we three or are we four? Let’s add vibrations rarefied: A Witchlight hand here to ensure That every guest is Satyrs-fied!
Enter now and taste the sounds, Feel these colours, smell those sights! Kaleidoscopic fun abounds This synaesthesiac’s delight!
Yet where’s the drama? Where’s the tension? Certainly we’ve had a switch (At least in here there is no mention Of that cad von Zarovich).
Instead let’s race a giant snail, Eat candied mushrooms by the pound, Or listen to a gnome assail The tightness of your mother’s gown.
Yet hark! A misadventure glum! Those not heroes please give berth! The best laid plans of love undone By Tasha’s wild unruly mirth
These mirrored halls! This desperate task, To find a luckless paramour A sweet-toothed lass with porcine mask That you could swear you’ve seen before…
’Twas twilight when the carnival Did open wide two golden gates And those with tickets did arrive, Now guided by the wiles of fate.
Dramatis Personae
Arix Specklefoot, a sweet-toothed owlin Holafina, a curiously short harengon Skerrek Tirael, a slithy kobold Sylenos, a cosmic satyr Nicholas Midnight, elderly goblin ticketmaster at the Witchlight Carnival Candlefoot, a mime and not by choice Rubin Sugarwood, a lovesick halfling Ween Sundapple, his laugh-sick paramour Glorange Turple, a poetry gnome
Certain Things Were Said
“I am worried about your ability to sense vibrations that I cannot.” - Skerrek Tirael
“Tymore, goddess of good fortune! Look well upon Shellymoo this day!” - Holafina
“Hate to say it, man, but that gnome really insulted your mother.” - Sylenos
“Snacks?” - Arix Specklefoot

Part II: Lost and Found

What Just Happened? (In the style of The Walrus and the Carpenter )
"The time has come," the Satyr said, "To talk of many things: Of poems—and props—and Jeremy Plum— Of crowns and pixie kings— And why things here keep getting lost— And what this pig-girl means."
"But wait a bit," the Owlin cried, "Before our minds do meet, For some of us are pretty spooked, And I would like a treat!" "No hurry!" said the Satyr, And kicked up cloven feet.
The Owlin and the Kobold Were walking close at hand, They smiled like anything to see The gates of Pixie Land. "If we could only stay a while,” They said, "it would be grand!"
The Satyr sighed so sulkily, Because he thought that Plum Had got no business to be there When all was said and done. (“It's rude of him," the Kobold said, "To try and spoil our fun!")
"Oi, Satyr," said the pixie king, "You've had a pleasant run! Should you be getting back to work?” But answer came there none And this was scarcely odd, because He had real beef with Plum.
Now Arix made a hamster friend Who offered up some clues. The others tried the riding-pug: A pleasant thing to do! (“The pug is fine," the Rabbit said, "But he’s no Shellymoo.”)
"How nice of you to come!” said Plum, "You all are oh-so kind!" Puddlemud said nothing as His teeth began to grind. The Owlin and the Kobold cheered: “That was our FAVORITE ride!”
“A wooden crown," fair Jexim said, Is what we need to come Our way along with golden paint For some un-princely sum.” The others stared, confused, and said: “Now where did YOU come from?”
‘Twas then the party dared approach The famous Mystery Mine Where psychedelic spectacles Broke the Satyr’s mind. (“I really wish,” Zephixo sighed, “You wouldn’t ride while high”).
Next Dirla pulled all kind of things Out of his wagon/portal: Bottles, bunnies, candlesticks, A shining blade of vorpal (Incidentally, there’s a word That kind of rhymes with purple).
“If you put your mind to it And searched for long enough, Do you suppose," the party said, "That you could find our stuff?" "I doubt it," said dear Dirlagraun, And gave a bitter huff.
Then he gave the Harengon The greatest gift by far: A copy of “Gnome On The Run” And bid them au revoir (Morgie would have laughed at that While struggling with slash “R”).
“I do believe,” the Satyr said, “That something is not right, And think we ought to pay a call To Messers Witch and Light.” “I think we ought,” the Owlin said “To first stop for a bite.”
But in their way old Thaco stood, A clown grown grim and surly: “Rabbit! Owlin! Pixie! Skink! You aren’t allowed to be-“ The Fairy interrupted him: “Wait, WHAT did you call me?”
Poor Thaco cried: “Things move too fast! And have since my debut In R-1: To the Aid of Falx From Nineteen Eighty Two! And if you’d seen what I have seen Then you’d smoke bubbles, too!”
Finally he stepped aside, At last the way was clear. The Satyr ambled stealthily With open eyes and ears And pressed them to a wagon large To see what he could hear.
"The time has come," Witch and Light said, "To talk of things galore Of prizes—plans—and kenku pests— and ever so much more— But first we’d better ask inside Those spying at our door!”
Dramatis Personae
Jexim, a puzzled, puzzling fairy Jeremy Plum, operator of the Pixie Kingdom and bestower of silly names Biscuit, a talkative hamster Pinecone, a riding-pug Zephixo, dwarven inventor and mastermind behind the Mystery Mine Ernest Wilde, middle-aged calliope master currently inhabiting the body of his pet monkey Marigold, his button-collecting goblin assistant Dirlagraun, a kindly but inefficient displacer beast, minder of lost children and property Thaco, a bubble-smoking clown who is long past his prime
Certain Things Were Said
"Worried I was, with talk of missing supper." - Arix Specklefoot
"Could you not just purchase a new pair?" - Skerrek Tirael "Not like this, man." - Sylenos
"If you'd see the things I've seen, you'd smoke a bubble pipe, too." - Thaco
"Is this it?" - Dirlagraun "NO." - Everyone

Part III: On the Trail of the Kenku

What Just Happened? (In the style of The Hunting of the Snark)
"Where the heck is our stuff? We just want to know This Harengon ain't getting bigger, Arix has no idea of where to go And lies send poor Skerrek a-quiver!"
"Would you get back to work?" Mister Light cried, Twirling his cane with a smile, "Otherwise find where this kenku pest hides; She's cramping this carnival's style!"
"Well, that was a bust," said our heroes, conferring, "Anyone got a suggestion? If we need to pull strings to get back our things Then there are some folk we should question."
"Time's an illusion, free will a delusion!" Sylenos' mentor decreed, "Get a contusion battling occlusions, Or relax and have some of this…wait, what was I saying?"
Sylenos proclaimed: "A genius flawed!" "A man/dragon ahead of his time." Skerrek looked at his claws; Holafina at paws, And the other two just rolled their eyes
"A centuar I'm not! I just made a bad trade The "Cloppinton's" just serendipitous, Now lend me your aid and you'll maybe persuade These horsies to drop some significance."
Then they took to the skies on a dragonfly ride (Holafina and Skerrek abreast), When you're this high there's just nowhere to hide (And to which Sylenos attests)
Now Skerrek honed on a runaway gnome Who was fleeing the carnage with glee, Holafina struck home and that's it for this poem For the gnome was the kenku, you see.
Dramatis Personae
Mister Witch, a matter-of-fact elf, devoid of pretense Mister Light, a flamboyant elf, luminous and coy Burly, a philosophical, pumpkin-helmeted bugbear Mandragon, a seeker of truth (and not much else) Diana Cloppington, a centaur who is apparently not, operator of the Carousel Northwind, a very forthcoming treant, operator of the Dragonfly Rides
Certain Things Were Said
"There’s something weird going on. For some reason everyone thinks I don’t do anything around the carnival." - Sylenos
"It's true, Miss Cloppinton! We've ALL lost things." - Arix Specklefoot
"Wait, when did we have biscuits?" - Jexim

Part IV: Through the Looking Glass

What Just Happened? (In the style of A Boat Beneath a Sunny Sky)
Now hear the Kenku’s strange reply (As Arix struggles to apply Triage to these pixie guys)
Asking questions, getting nought Set her on a different course: High sabotage without remorse!
And what has got her so irate Is what’s she trying to intimate: Zybilna has been quiet of late!
Ignore the rest, and let’s take flight To confront dear Witch and Light (Surprisingly, they’re quite contrite)
To keep the carnival in motion A tapestry of lies was woven: A deal with the Hourglass Coven!
Who take from those who can’t afford Entrance through the Witchlight’s doors Miscellanea adored
So THAT’s who taken all your junk! Time to find these Hourglass punks! Which way to this Feywild dump?
But first we’ll make a brief aside So Candlefoot can vocalise His mermaid love (now legalised)
Now the pair can tie the knot And while we’re passing time why not Ride the fabled Bubble Pot?
Yet ere you all are translocated (Everybody’s breath now bated) Arix must be coronated!
The time of truth has come at last Hesitation as you pass Though the hallowed looking glass
Are you afraid to lose your minds? What lies ahead? What lies behind? What do you expect to find?
Will Skerrek ever fabricate? Or Holafina emulate A bunny’s median height and weight?
Shall Jexim’s memoirs find acclaim? Can Monty locate Bobbitt Fane? (…hang on, that’s a different game)
Does Arix ever find the door? And will Sylennos flee the cause To study unemployment law?
Dramatis Personae
Kettlesteam, a mischievous patron of Zybilna Paleesha, a mellifluous mermaid, now reunited with Candlefoot
Certain Things Were Said
“Sylenos, perhaps in eight years you can come back and find your lost employment.” - Skerrek
“Ask me where the exit is.” - Arix Specklefoot “Where is the exit?” - Mister Light “I don’t know.” - Arix

My bf followed this girl on instagram like 5 months ago, an account of a girl he used to go to school with. I noticed his following count went up one day so I checked and never had seen her before I asked about it, he said it was an accident, unfollowed her and we moved on. I know it was a problem on my part for even asking or noticing, but im insecure and we were going through a rough patch at the time.
Flash forward to today it randomly popped in my head again. The girl my bf followed is a single mom and today i saw a video of some girl saying pregnant woman are the biggest homewreckers, literally not true and a dumb video but it made the girl pop into my head. I brought it up to my boyfriend again and asked if they’ve talked at all while we’ve been together, he said no. I asked if they ever had anything he said no. I get it’s not my business but at the same time if it was someone he had feelings for then was following now it’d be worrisome.
But I then went onto Facebook and searched my boyfriend’s Facebook, and saw he was friends with her on there too. Which makes sense, he’s had the account for years but I asked him “you have her on Facebook too?”. He started getting so irritated with me asking me what im trying to find and why im trying to be all investigative and I might as well just ask her directly instead of doing all this work if I don’t trust his word. I tried ending the fight but he just kept calling me disrespectful, said we just had a nice three days together and immediately I go and find something to be mad about.
I get why he’s upset but at the same time was I in the wrong for what I did? The situation didn’t get properly addressed to begin with, you don’t really follow someone on accident but I rolled with it and let it go. Today my anxiety got the best of me and I couldn’t just drop it. Was searching if they are friends on Facebook too far? That’s the part he’s calling majorly disrespectful, but I feel it’s not wrong to go and see if your boyfriend is friends with a girl on Facebook if he randomly followed her on instagram. But it is five months later to be fair. I just didn’t let myself dwell on it when I first noticed because I didn’t want it to be anything. I don’t know. I’m just hurting bad and apologized but it wasn’t good enough. I feel he just views me as a crazy disrespectful woman :(

25 year old straight male. This is something that really only hit me a couple days ago. I was hanging out with a couple guys in my friend group discussing how to help two of our other friends who really struggle with dating and have never been able to get into a long term relationship despite their "best" efforts for years. (Best in quotes because as much as we try there are definitely things they won't take constructive criticism on).
I was a late bloomer and honestly don't really put myself out there very much, but I have been in one long term relationship of 2+ years as well as a couple shorter situationships, and have had about a dozen sexual partners in total. I am not currently in a relationship, nor do I want to be right now. I mention this all because people do value my input and assume I know what I am talking about to some extent when it comes to girls.
But the reality of it is that I don't. One of my friends mentioned I would be no better off than our two other buddies we were discussing if I looked like them, and honestly I could do nothing but agree.
I have only "pursued" two girls in my entire life, and each occasion led to a short term relationship that I knew wouldn't lead anywhere and was totally ok with. (Pursued in quotes since it was simple as asking each one out once when we barely knew each other). Most of the girls I have gone out with have initiated it. Probably the majority of my hookups have been scenarios where a friend introduces their friend who is into me or some girl coming up to me when I'm just standing at the bar. (I do reject the vast majority of girls who approach me).
But this also means I have no idea how to approach girls, especially those who I fear may reject me. I don't think I've ever had a "crush" on a girl and I've never put any effort into going after someone. As I look to date seriously again down the line, I don't even know how to go after someone I am actually interested in. I am undergoing this shift in mentality where I feel like I have options (something relatively new to me) but at the same time I have this feeling that I won't even know how to start if someone I am truly interested in happens to fall in front of me. Like I won't even be able to get into position to fumble. I also don't really know how to get girls to actually like me, if that makes sense.
This worry is starting to grow a bit in my mind, as is my inability to help out my friends / family (younger brother) who struggle. It feels bad not being able to give much useful advice to someone in my brother's position, for example. In a lot of ways I was (and still am) the same shy, quiet, reserved guy he is, but I just got lucky.

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

“What do you mean it’s wrong?” said Tamara, becoming frustrated with Samuel.
“I'm trying to tell you that plants do not eat earth. They just absorb nutrients from it,” Samuel replied, equally annoyed as this was the fourth time he had explained it. “Look, just take my word for it, OK,” he added.
“Fine, but you will have to explain it again,” Tamara retorted.
Samuel and Tamara were partners in a scientific study of their forest home. It was genuinely idyllic in every sense of the word; the trees stretched high into the sky, and everyone was covered in succulent leaves, a deep and gorgeous shade of green. Around their trunks were rings of flowers gathered from every continent, and a thick carpet of grass lay on the ground.
The two sat underneath a chestnut tree, writing up their findings for the day. It had focused mainly on tree sizes and growth rates, and they had continued this study for, on and off, almost a year.
Samuel turned to look at his assistant and found that she was just as remarkable as the day they had first met: golden locks, like living sunlight, tied neatly in a bun. Her eyes were an emerald green, and all in all, she was gorgeous. However, it was when you came to her waist that things became truly incredible because rather than a pair of legs, there was a long and wide snake’s tail.
It was huge, at least seven metres long and as wide as her torso. The scales were the same beautiful colour as her hair and reflected the sunlight in such a way that she appeared to glow. She was wearing an ultramarine tunic with a black diamond in the centre. She was like this not because of a plague, a curse or some mutation; Tamara was a Lamia; it was how she was born.
Samuel, on the other hand, looked far less impressive. He was around five foot ten, with dull brown hair and equally dull eyes. His stomach stuck out from the rest of him. No amount of exercise was able to get rid of it.
He was by every description a ‘dull as dishwater’ human. His clothes, however, were slightly more interesting. He wore a navy blue tunic with a thick leather belt wrapped around his waist. On his feet was a pair of excellent leather boots, able to withstand whatever the world threw at them and on his forearms and shins, he wore something Tamara had never seen or even heard of before: a pair of vambraces and greaves, Samuel called it armour.
Three strips of rugged leather layered on top of one another made up each piece, and between each layer was a collection of tiny metal beads. When Tamara asked what they were for, Samuel said they were for protection.
All of this would have been inconceivable to Samuel two years ago, but he had become used to it in time. Samuel was not born into this world; he had arrived. How? He did not know, but he remembered it all vividly; his senses had been overloaded, and at first, he believed he had died.
“What’s wrong?” Tamara asked Samuel, who had been silent for over a minute.
Samuel snapped out of his daydream and said: “nothing, just thinking about that day again.”
Tamara nodded and said nothing else; she knew exactly what was wrong.
Samuel went straight back to writing. When Samuel first showed up, there had been no paper or pens, but what was even stranger than the lack of these apparent necessities was that Samuel had had to invent both of these items.
Tamara and those like her did not possess a written language; they relied entirely on their memories, and until Samuel had shown up, Tamara had not even conceived of the notion, but she had picked it up astonishingly quickly.
“It still sounds like eating to me,” said Tamara, bringing the conversation back to the original topic.
“Well, it isn’t; eating requires a mouth and stomach,” Samuel replied.
“Says who?” Tamara asked defiantly.
“Says me,” Samuel answered.
Samuel jotted down the last of his notes and left the pages to dry in the sun. Samuel then turned to his right and looked at a large book, the size of a chair’s seat, bound in yellow leather and knotted by animal tendons. He picked it up and began to leaf through the pages.
His eyes glanced over paragraphs about oak trees and orchid flowers until he finally reached the section he sought; the page was titled Silver Birch (Betula Pendula).
“Have you finished the drawing on Silver Birch yet?” Samuel asked without looking.
Tamara was currently focused on a drawing of sunflowers, but she understood his request and, without looking up or saying a word, handed him the picture he wanted.
Samuel took the drawing and took several moments admiring it. Like all her work, the picture was astounding; not only did it look like an actual Silver Birch, but it also seemed to be alive, as though it would start blowing in the breeze.
Samuel punched four holes along the sheet's left side, undid the tendon strings and then attached the drawing behind the title page. He added eight more pages to his book, four of text and four illustrations.
Their work was now done; there was no more writing or drawing today, and he placed their work into a knapsack Tamara had brought with her. Samuel turned to his partner and asked: “so what do you want to do now?”
Tamara looked up through the canopy and could make out the silhouettes of several birds and finally said: “I’d quite like to fly.”
Samuel smiled, chuckled and said, “Yes, so would I, but that would require every member of the village working together for decades.”
Tamara looked Samuel in the eye and said: “are you making fun of me?”
Samuel did not reply; he just looked Tamara dead in the eye. She observed every minute twitch on Samuel's face and concluded he was not.
“How could a person fly?” She asked, suddenly intrigued.
“I don’t know, I’m not an engineer,” Samuel answered, “So apart from flying, what else do you want to do?”
Tamara let out a sigh and said: “I guess we will just have to walk.”
These were the moments Samuel lived for, just a quiet afternoon with his best friend enjoying a stroll; he was utterly content.
“You seem chipper,” Tamara said, noticing the growing smile on Samuel’s face.
“That’s because I feel chipper” he replied
They passed through the trees, heading towards their favourite spot, a beach by the side of a lake so large you could not see the other side.
“So, how is everyone?” Samuel said, trying to spark a conversation.
“You mean every single one because that could take a while?” Tamara replied.
“Let’s start with your mother” he clarified.
Tamara’s mother, Pancha, was more or less just a larger version of her daughter, just as brash and headstrong.
“She’s fine; she has finally stopped asking me what happened every time I come to meet you,” she said.
“Really, and it only took her two and a half years,” said Samuel with a smirk.
Yes, that first year here, had been a real trial. Samuel had never felt so scared, isolated and persecuted in his life. When he thought about it, he could still feel the fear and the hopelessness.
A gust of air slammed into Samuel’s face, bringing him back to the present, and what a wonderful time it was. The water was crystal clear, the beach was covered in sparkling white sand, and the distinct aroma of water wafted through the air. Samuel breathed it all in as Tamara spread herself over the beach.
The cooling breeze that Samuel found so enjoyable, Tamara found far less agreeable. Tamara was ectothermic or cold-blooded. She could not maintain her body temperature; she needed to absorb it from her environment, and the wind was slowly draining her.
“Comfortable down there?” Samuel asked.
Tamara turned her head, looked up at him and said: “Actually, yes, not as good as my bed, but still fine.”
Samuel left Tamara to her thermoregulation and strolled down to the water’s edge, “stay where I can see you!” Tamara called.
“Yes, MOM,” Samuel answered sarcastically, though he knew it was more for Tamara’s sake than his; she had a problem with open spaces.
Samuel closed his eyes, stretched his arms above his head, feeling his muscles strain against the tension, and yawned. Small tears formed in his eyes and wiped them away. He had only been up for a few hours but was ready for bed.
“Too much thinking, that was the problem,” Samuel mumbled to himself.
The sunlight sparkled on the water’s surface. It seemed as though millions of diamonds were suddenly brought into existence, danced for a few moments, and then vanished as quickly as they came. It was beautiful, just like everything else here.
He climbed up a rock that jutted from that sand and sat down, his legs dangling over the edge. As he kicked his legs, a ray of sun caught his greaves, and although the leather was rather dull, it still dazzled him.
Samuel heard a sound reminiscent of sandpaper brushing against wood, and he knew at once what it was. He waited four more seconds and said, without moving an inch, “Don’t even think about it!”
“How did you know?” Tamara asked, feeling simultaneously impressed, confused and disappointed.
Samuel looked her in the eye and replied: “who do you think you’re dealing with?”
Tamara had not clambered up the rock like Samuel; she had simply raised herself on her tail so she stood over two metres high.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked.
Tamara smiled and answered, “yes, thanks for asking.”
Tamara moved behind Samuel and then began to coil around the boulder, and if he had not experienced it all before, it would have been unnerving. Tamara was only twelve and a half, yet she was already far stronger than him. Samuel was sure if Tamara really wanted to, she could crush a bison to death. After the graceful dance around the stone, she sat down beside Samuel.
The pair was silent for a few minutes, except for a quick coughing fit by Samuel; they took in the unnatural beauty of their surroundings.
“Hey, I have a question,” said Tamara, coming back to her senses.
“What is it?” Samuel replied.
“You still haven’t told me why we are studying the forest?” She asked.
In an instant, Samuel became deeply confused. To him, it seemed all too obvious why they were doing it.
“There is no practical reason for doing it. We do it so that we know,” Samuel answered.
Tamara became silent. Samuel realised that she was deep in thought and decided to give her all the time she needed until she finally said: “Is this one of those human things?”
Samuel, upon hearing this, gave a small chuckle and answered: “yes, if you like.”
Suddenly, something caught Samuel’s eye. It was a crab, no bigger than a golf ball. Its back was powder blue, and it held its arms upright, its claws pointing down. The tiny creature would walk forward, scoop some sand into its mouth, and then leave a small pellet behind.
“Look at that!” said Samuel, nudging Tamara’s shoulder and pointing at the tiny crustacean. Tamara turned her head and looked directly at where he was pointing; she strained her eyes at what she thought was a pebble; she was about to climb down and collect it when it suddenly moved, and she squealed.
Tamara dragged the bottom end of her tail up from the beach and timidly said, “What’s that?”
Samuel remembered that tone of voice all too well, and it brought with it some unpleasant memories, but he pushed them to the back of his mind and said: “it’s a crab.”
Samuel was certain he had seen this type of crab before but could not put a name to the image. Samuel was sure he had read about them, watched a documentary, or attended a lecture, but he could not remember. Ultimately, he decided to drop it for now and see if the answer would come to him.
Tamara kept staring at it as though she believed it would pounce if she took her eyes off it for one second.
“Is it dangerous?” she asked, her voice hushed to ensure the creature did not notice her.
Samuel sighed and answered: “it’s a crab, Tamara, unless you happen to be a nematode then…”
Samuel paused mid-sentence as his brain finally connected the dots and asked, “Wait, you have never seen a crab before?”
This perplexed Samuel for a moment until he remembered that Tamara did not have a television, a car, and she could not fly a plane, so it was not unexpected that she would not know what a crab was.
Tamara shook her head in response to his question, and Samuel added: “you know what a woodlouse is, right?”
Tamara nodded and said, “I like woodlice.”
“Well, a crab is just a type of woodlouse that lives near water,” Samuel concluded.
However, he could tell from her face that she was unconvinced, so he got off the rock, walked over to the tiny creature, wary of its pincers, and picked it up by its backside.
“What are you doing?” Tamara called in alarm.
Samuel held the animal, its legs flailing wildly in an attempt to escape, and said, “showing you there is nothing to be worried about.”
Taking care not to crush it, Samuel clambered back up the rock and presented the animal to her. Tamara stared at it for some as the crab bobbed its eye up and down and tried in vain to find a part of Samuel it could nip.
“It’s actually kind of… cute,” Tamara said after two minutes of silence.
She relaxed her tail and let it rest on the beach once more. “Can it hold it?” She asked Samuel, fear being replaced by interest.
“Of course, you can. Just make sure you hold it by its back and be careful of the pincers; if they get you, it will hurt.”
Samuel handed the crab over to her and watched as Tamara began to inspect the animal from every angle. The crab had a white underbelly and purple joints.
“You think you could draw it from memory?” Samuel asked.
“Hmm?” Tamara replied. Samuel let out a sigh and repeated. After three more attempts, Tamara finally took notice and said, “Yes.”
Five minutes later, Samuel said, “we should probably put him back now.”
Tamara moaned about it, but Samuel said: “he has his own life, Tamara; you can’t keep him!”
She conceded, grumbling under her breath, and gently placed the animal back on the sand. As the crab dashed away, the two noticed that while they had been fixated on that single crab, thousands more had emerged on the beach.
Upon seeing the swarm of animals make their way across the beach, Tamara let out a squeal and once again pulled her tail up off the beach. The army of crabs marched along the shore. The collective walking produced a sound loud enough to hear from fifty metres away, and at last, Samuel remembered what they were and said, with no small amount of satisfaction in his voice, “they’re soldier crabs.”
“What are they going to do?” Tamara asked, concerned by the sudden appearance of so many creatures.
Samuel kept staring at the gathering, but he heard her question and replied, “They’re just feeding,” and added quickly, “But we are far too big for them.”
“That's odd,” Samuel said under his breath.
“I know there are so many of them,” Tamara said, deeply unnerved by the sheer vastness of the swarm.
“No,” Samuel said, “There should be this many of them; it’s where they are that is strange.”
Tamara momentarily took her eyes off the army and asked, “So where should they be.” There was a slight flicker of fear in her voice at the prospect of being invaded; rats and mice where bad enough. They did not need another pest.
“By the sea, not a freshwater lake,” he answered.
“The Sea?” Tamara almost yelled. Samuel was a little surprised by this enthusiasm and turned to face her.
“Yes,” he said.
“Have you ever been to the sea,” she asked.
“Yes, many times,” Samuel said, uncertain where this was going.
“I bet it’s wonderful,” Tamara added with a smile.
Samuel was silent as his brain connected a few dots and asked: “how can you know about the sea if you don’t know about crabs?”
She smiled; Tamara enjoyed it when she knew something that he did not, “there is a story that my mom told me that before we came to this forest, we were a different people that lived by the sea.” Tamara paused for a breath.
“But then humans came and drove us from the water, and we fled inland. Our people split into two. One half went to the mountains, and the other settled in the forest.”
Tamara finished and waited for his reply. Samuel, however, just kept looking at her. Tamara was concerned that she had upset him; he did not like it when humans were labelled as the enemy, yet his face and posture were not those of one who was sad or angry.
“You people blame us for everything, don’t you?” Samuel said with a chuckle.
“If there is a fire, it’s a human’s fault. If there is an earthquake, it’s a human’s fault. If a little Boreray boy drinks all their apple juice in one gulp, it’s a human’s fault.”
“So, getting back on topic, where did these “Soldier crabs” come from anyway? We have visited this lake for over two years and never seen even a glimpse?” Tamara asked. Samuel looked back to the slowly advancing army, and several ideas flashed through his head.
“Maybe they have been dormant up until now; perhaps they make a large circle around the lake shore, and it’s simply luck that we were here on the day they passed by, or maybe the migrated here from somewhere else.”
They watched the crabs' ceaseless march until Tamara said, “These things are still giving me the creeps. Can we go now?” Samuel could not argue that there was something eerie about all of these animals appearing, seemingly, from nowhere; however, there was still one thing he had to be certain of.
“You think you could draw one from memory?” he asked.
Tamara’s face contorted in a scowl. Samuel, for all his good points, could become far too focused on his research, which often caused him to become ignorant of other people.
Yet she knew sitting here yelling at him would accomplish nothing, so she told him the truth: “Yes, can we go now!” Samuel nodded and then slid off the rock. Tamara copied him, and they both slinked back to the cover of the trees.
Now that she was beneath the canopy, Tamara let out an enormous sigh of relief as the anxiety slowly left, and the close air warmed her body. On the other hand, Samuel began to chafe at the stagnant air while his head began to bead with sweat, but it was nothing he had not experienced before, so he gritted his teeth and bared with it.
With their plans now ruined, Tamara and Samuel wandered aimlessly through the woods, chatting about what they could do to fill the rest of the day. Several ideas arose, including visiting a nearby waterfall and a set of monument stones, but none truly appealed to them.
In the end, Tamara said, “how about we just call it a day?”
Samuel was happy about this. Tamara was his only form of human contact, yet he could not deny the pointlessness of wandering around the woods, so he said, “Ok, but let’s take the long way.”
Samuel heard a sound above him and saw a red squirrel scampering through the trees.
“Is it difficult?” Tamara asked.
Samuel looked at Tamara and replied, “Well, it can give me a crick in my neck sometimes.”
Tamara let out a short laugh and clarified, “No, I mean, is it difficult being so inquisitive? It looks exhausting.”
He was not entirely sure what she meant by that. To Samuel, Tamara was every bit as curious as him, so he stated: “you tell me, you went out looking for me just because you wanted to know.”
“True,” answered Tamara, “and everyone has always said that I am always asking questions, but you’re like a boar that just ate sugar beat.”
“I have no idea what that means,” Samuel said, shaking his head. “But I do know that people always told me, when I was a boy, that humans are, by their nature, infinitely curious, but personally, I think that it’s just how I was born.” there was a pause, and he quickly added, “just like you.”
Tamara’s fingers started to numb as she brushed them against the bark of passing trees. She took a good look at the trees around her. Tamara had lived her entire life sheltered by these trees. This place was her home, her family’s home and her friend’s home, and she loved it, a perfect example of the innate beauty of nature.
Samuel, however, was of a different opinion this forest disturbed him, though this feeling had diminished with time. The trees all grew in perfect symmetry, four and a half strides form each other.
From Tamara’s perspective, there was nothing strange about this, yet Samuel often said that this should not be possible, that the wood should be a mess and that the trees should grow in an unorganised fashion. Yet to Tamara, the idea of messy forests was just as impossible as a structured one was to him.
Noon came and went, and Samuel’s stomach began to rumble. His breakfast was becoming a distant memory; he thought he might be able to bear it for another hour or so, but as they travelled closer to the village, Tamara started to become irritated by Samuel’s constant growling.
“We need to find you something to eat before that sound drives me nuts!” Tamara stated bluntly.
“That’s all well and good, my dear, so long as you can materialise food out of the aether,” answered Samuel, with just a hint of condescension in his voice.
Tamara did not know what the aether was, but it did not matter. “No, but I do know a nearby tree with some great fruit in it,” she replied.
Samuel found this strange for two reasons. Firstly, he found it very difficult to believe there was a source of food in this forest that either he had not found, or Tamara had not told him about yet.
Secondly that, Tamara would know much about something she could not eat. Tamara was strictly carnivorous; she ate nothing but meat.
He wanted answers fast and asked: “So why haven’t you told me about this before?”
“Because I can’t stand the smell, that’s why, and I didn’t want you stinking up the place,” she explained.
“If it smells disgusting, what makes you think I will eat it?” he asked.
“Because the Boreray can’t get enough of it, some of them say that they taste like all the best parts of every fruit and vegetable we grow, which is a shame because they smell like all the worst,” she added.
He asked no more questions. He was too busy thinking; this fruit sounded so familiar, but he could not remember. The need to survive day in day out had pushed most of his standard learning, from school and university to the back of his mind, not forgotten mind you just buried.
I'm back with Tamara and Samuel latest adventure. If you like what you've read so far and want to know where it's going you can find the complete story by following the links below.
e-book(US/UK/CA/AU/DE)
Physical(US/UK/CA/DE)
If you do decide to read ahead please leave a review or rating, every single one helps immensely, and helps me keep doing what I'm doing.
Also the e-book will be at a reduced price until the last chapter it published on reddit.

Hello. I'm late diagnosed, and sometimes I think back about things that I did as a child and say "wow, that was obvious". But I remembered something I'm not sure it's an "autistic thing" or if it was just a habit of mine.
Basically when I was 3 or 4 years old I used to run away, but in a "run away from home sense", quite the opposite. When I decided that I had enough staying at the park or at the beach or whatever, I would say so to the supervising adults; if they didn't want to go home yet, maybe because they were speaking with some other adult, I would wait till they were distracted and snuck off in the direction of home. In a few other cases the destination was different, for example once we were at the beach and I had decided to go to a friend who I knew was in the next beach, but the thing was mostly "I had enough of being outside, I want to go home to do X". It's basically the only truly rebellious act I did back then, and I didn't see it that much rebellious, from what I remember. It was more along the lines of "all right, you stay here as much as you like, I'm going home".

My aunt is my favorite person in the world. She’s like a second mom to me, and then some. She has loved my fiercely through the lowest periods of my life, has never forgotten a milestone in my life, and is the only connection to my dad’s side of the family I have. I equally celebrate her and she has been the only source of joy and meaning I’ve found in major holidays throughout my adult life.
In March she was airflighted to a larger hospital after finding a brain tumor on a scan; she went to the ER for balance and speech issues. The diagnosis is glioblastoma multiforme, the most aggressive brain cancer there is. She was given nine months. Because I know her better than most on that side of the family, I’ve picked up on changes faster and it’s breaking my fucking heart. But I also don’t have anyone to talk to about it because talking to my uncle, her husband, would just add to his burden. When I visited last month, he gave a hug so filled with sadness I almost couldn’t walk into their house. Her memory is going, and her cognition along with it. For example, when I asked her if her sister-in-law was renting a car when they visited, she got quiet then after a minute said, “Well I imagine they own a car, they live in rural Vermont.” That was last month. Today I asked her about something we spent the entire week talking about and she just couldn’t remember. Her judgment and sense of safety is gone, too. It’s like an accelerated version of Alzheimer’s and most days all I can do is cry. I was already dealing with the worst depression of my life this past winter and this has wrecked me.
I don’t know how to manage this anticipatory grief. I don’t know who I can talk to. I don’t know how to feel less alone. I haven’t had a job in six months and can’t afford therapy, visiting my psychiatrist, or anything else that may help. I guess I just needed to share and offload. This really, really sucks.

I was looking at the website to see the bullshit they have up
They really still teach that Hebrews came across the Atlantic Ocean and all this bullshit about "Nephites" and "Lamanites"?

Christ’s Church Existed in the Americas
The Book of Mormon starts with the story of a prophet named Lehi, who was warned by God in about 600 BC that Jerusalem would be destroyed. Lehi and his wife, Sariah, led by the Spirit of God, brought their family across the ocean, where their descendants eventually grew to become two nations, known as the Nephites and Lamanites. Their stories of faith in God and preparation for Jesus Christ’s coming provide inspiring examples to follow, while other accounts in the Book of Mormon emphasize God’s mercy for all His children or warn against sin.
The pinnacle event of the Book of Mormon is Jesus’s visit to His followers in the Americas after His death and Resurrection. This visit fulfilled His teaching in Jerusalem:
"Other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice."
John 10:16
After Jesus taught His doctrine and established His Church in the Americas, the people there lived in peace and righteousness for several generations.
Eventually, the people fell into war and wickedness and the Nephites were destroyed. One of the last surviving Nephites, Mormon, compiled their records into what would be known in modern times as the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ.

Why do they still teach this? It's really disrespectful to those who actually lived in the Americas. We know none of this actually ever happened.
And if Jerusalem was destroyed too.... why is it still actually around? Is there any evidence of the city of Jerusalem being "destroyed"? None of this makes any logical sense...How can anyone believe in this especially in this day and age... I don't understand as an adult...

In light of all the doomposting and wariness about the future of Firefly in the story after the events of 2.0-2.2, I wanted to compile some known information to piece together a theory on why she is likely joining the express in 2.3, and hopefully sparking a positive conversation about it. Some things I will be referencing will be spoilers for 2.3 so if you'd like to remain completely spoiler free, I suggest avoiding this post. You have been warned.
So, before I begin with the 2.3 leaks, I'd first like to take a step back and look at the character as a whole. Firefly, in the short time she has been in the story has become immensely popular within the community, but beyond that she has also had quite an effect on the MC. Regardless of whatever ships you do and don't subscribe to and even the choices you make in game, it's undeniable that the MC has feelings/an attachment for our girl and that these are reciprocated by Firefly (Again, you are free to believe if these are romantic feelings or not, though I believe it leans toward the former). The MC choosing to trust in Firefly despite her initial secrecy in 2.0, Firefly willing to risk exposing herself as Sam (A known Stellaron Hunter and wanted criminal) to protect herself and the MC (This might be an over analysis on my part, but her clenching her fists while being held by "S-U-D" and showing hesitation rather than fear leads me to believe this is the case) during their initial encounter with "Something Unto Death", her identity as Sam being a well kept secret and one she is not eager to reveal to just anyone, her "death" by "Something Unto Death" bringing the MC to tears and causing them to become noticeably crestfallen, even to the point of getting snippy with Acheron. In the finale of 2.1 and beginning of 2.2, past the initial shock of Sam, they are understanding of Firefly's secrecy and even trust her when she mentions her "death" leading to her discovery of Dreamflux Reef and the secrets of the dream. In this same scene they even describe the MCs inner thoughts with the scene stating "Innumerable voices resonated through the symphony of the memoria, roaring like thunder, and among them, one echo stood out with exceptional clarity, you knew it came from the girl beside you, your hearts beating to the same rhythm, peaceful, and even more peaceful.". Of course there were also the two “dates” between the MC and Firefly. To a character with ELS, every moment spent out of her medical cabin is precious, and she chooses to spend those moments with the MC as Firefly, rather than Sam, a choice that can be seen as unnecessary past her initial purpose on Penacony with Elio's script, and during the second "date", despite the urgency of the situation and Firefly herself reminding the MC of their timer, she still goofs off with them during the different trials. Capping this off is her "unwavering dedication", which is what allowed Acheron and the others to find the MC after Ena's dream.
Now, I didn't write this massive text wall just to promote the MC x Firefly ship, instead I want to draw your attention specifically to the bond they've developed. Despite the short amount of time spent together, it's quite obvious that Mihoyo went out of their way to emphasize this connection. I know many people were disappointed with the scenes between the two in 2.2, specifically in regards to them MC not showing the desired reaction at the reveal of Firefly not only being alive, but also her identity as Sam. Though I too expected something more, I believe this was intentional on Hoyo's part as they are most likely saving the heart to heart for the one on one scene in 2.3. Having said all of this, I want you to ask yourself, what was the point of all of this? The other Stellaron Hunters have gotten nowhere near this amount of screentime or specifically developed such a strong bond with the MC, in fact, not even other characters like March, Dan Heng, Himeko or Welt are this close to the MC. Why write in a fake out death at all if this character wasn't important? Purely for shock factor? Why bother making her consistently close to the MC? (Most characters get a single patch to really interact with the MC, upon the release of 2.3, that would mark her third patch being relevant to the plot and interacting with the MC. This is a recurring thing across multiple Hoyoverse titles, think of Ayaka from Genshin as a prime example, a character which has largely fallen to the wayside and being relegated as a side character after her single patch).
The people at Mihoyo aren't amateur storytellers like some think they are, and I believe everything they've done is to make this connection seem all the more important for one reason. Firefly is going to join the express, her bond with the Trailblazer serving as the catalyst. She's said herself that she respects the Trailblaze and has even found herself resonating with their ideals. The events of 2.2 serve as evidence of this, with her being able to see Clockie (Though not much is known about him, it seems that as a Trailblaze entity, he is only able to be seen by those with a connection to the Trailblaze), and standing side by side with the Astral Express in their battle of beliefs against Sunday. Though I believe the trailblaze aspect plays a large choice, I'd also like to take a look at her script from Elio, which I believe to be a major piece of the puzzle. The script states she will experience three deaths on Penacony. Some people may argue that she has already experienced those three with the second being when she traveled with the MC to Dreamflux Reef and the third being related to what Acheron mentions at the end of 2.2. I don't believe traveling to Dreamflux Reef counts towards that death tally as it would actually make it four deaths, seeing as when she was first killed she awoke in her medical cabin, then later traveled to Dreamflux Reef. Following this, it's reasonable to say she's only experienced two so far, the initial death from being stabbed and from Acheron. I believe this third death is not a literal one. Death has a multitude of meanings beyond just dying/passing away. Using the Tarot as an example, death can also be used to describe a great change. I propose that this great change is the "death" of Stellaron Hunter Sam. Looking at the playable version of Firefly, an obvious change has taken place, that being the green energy that leaks out from within and the manifestation of Firefly's blades which could be seen as Firefly establishing more of herself within the identity of SAM. Beyond the changes to the SAM suit itself, I find it a little odd that they deliberately have Firefly walk around as herself in the overworld, rather than the suit, but I concede that this choice could just be so people can see the waifu that they pulled and might have no real significance. All of this is information that has already been revealed to us, whether directly through the events of the story, or the leaked gameplay of Firefly. Next I would like to discuss leaks that support this idea of Firefly joining the AE crew.
Many people believe that after the events of 2.3, the MC and Firefly will part ways, with Firefly going back to the Stellaron Hunters for a few planets. I don't believe this to be the case for two main reasons, the first being the new event in 2.3 and the second being the new BP icons. The event is said to be one in which we play games with Firefly, March, and Silverwolf, with Silverwolf mentioning that she could never get Firefly to play games with her, but Firefly accepts this time around because she is asked by the MC. Now, don't you find this lineup kind of strange? Specifically the presence of March 7th. If Firefly was departing Penacony after the story of 2.3, why would she show up in an event with the MC and March? It's not as if events in Star Rail aren't canon either, so it doesn't make sense for Firefly to be there if we are assuming that she is leaving during the epilogue of 2.3. I believe this is supported by her new BP icon in which she can be seen wearing a red, black, and gold outfit. These are exactly the colors of the express and other express members have icons which share this same color scheme. Even Sam's icon has red that is normally not present on his design. The description for the icon also states Firefly: Visionary, Firefly stepping forwards into the future "There is only one destiny, but I still have the right to make my choice". Sam's icon follows a similar format being titled Visionary and mentioning stepping forward into the future, with his quote stating "I will fulfill SAM's mission and see a new future". Of course BP icons don't have to mean anything and in most cases are just the characters in a different outfit, but doesn't this seem like a really strange choice? Firefly doesn't have red as part of her color scheme, so putting her in an outfit that is explicitly AE colors seems like a deliberate choice, not to mention the fact that the icon references her stepping forward into the future, or if you want to look at another way, blazing a trail to her new future. In addition to this, the word "Choice" has significance, especially if we have this Astral Express outfit to set the context. A stellaron hunter knows exactly how meaningless their choices are, yet Firefly is the only one who is defiant in regards to the script and her predetermined end. Not just her own end, but even in the missions she is given, she chooses to do things that can be seen as futile like actively choosing to not read certain parts of the script as to remain ignorant and potentially influence said script, even if the predetermined outcome inevitably comes to pass despite her "obstruction". With all of this it seems like a no brainer that she would join the group that is all about making your own choices, helping the people you want to help, and doing the things you want to do, not to mention the resources she would have access to in terms of potentially curing her illness as a member of the Astral Express, a respected group with many powerful allies and connections willing to assist, versus being in a criminal organization where she follows a script that may not have the ending she wants.
I know I just did a whole lot of yapping so I appreciate anyone taking the time to read the theories and speculations of a delusional fan huffing way too much copium. I truly believe there is merit to what I’m saying, but only time will tell if I hit the mark or if I should never come up with a theory again. Having said all that, I’d love to hear from the community what you all think about this, even if it’s in opposition to what I’m saying.

My name was slandered SO badly by the quinte.ca news that it is literally criminal and VERY VERY messed up.
According to this article I am a Sex Predator and was trying to lure a 13 year old for sex using the internet.(!!!!!)
This is a long story so I’m going to do my best at condensing it so people actually read it.
This is what happened: With a fair amount of spare time on my hands I decided to do something that would create a positive, long lasting impact. I knew there had to be some real sex predators in a city this size so I decided to see if any ADULTS online were interested and fully follow through with preying on a minor. Less than a few minutes after creating a profile I was contacted by a Belleville Resident who indicated DIRECTLY to me that he was “ok” with the decoys age.

I told him my age was TWELVE. 

Within the first 5 minutes of the conversation. So for the next five days he was essentially grooming who he believed was 12 year old and attempting to meet him that upcoming weekend. At no time did I initiate or direct the conversation to move in the dirty direction. I wanted to not only provide as much solid evidence as possible for the police, but I was thinking forward to do the same for the future prosecution when this case ultimately reached the Court….( at least In my mind, this is what I was doing it for! )
Speaking to him about 45 minutes each day I was shocked at how this was actually happening. Shocked at how quickly, unaffected and confident he was to be luring a 12 year old to his apartment.
Most disturbing was the bits of information that was confessed to me. How he “had to be really careful” because he is already a registered sex offender due to being caught with another minor years ago, and how he “had multiple other people your age” in the past which he had never been caught for.
So obviously by the time I was aware of that I was Deadset at not only catching and exposing this creep but see to it that he gets his rightful spot back in a prison cell.

Make no mistake I took screenshots of EVERY message/text/conversations/photos. 

( I had taken photos of myself and used an age altering app which was procured freely from Apple. ) Upon his request I sent multiple Altered selfies over those five days in the various poses he was asking for. Obviously this was done to prove that the decoy was in fact “real”. Bam. That’s it. It was Friday and this registered sex offender “PDF File” was in FULL BELIEF and confident that a Minor was on the way to his apartment to “teach him” how to have sex.
I went just outside the meeting area a bit early and sat down with my Sony 500 video camera around my neck and was prepared to begin the video, capturing him as he went directly to the prearranged location. He was going with the quickness and attempting to hold back the huge shit eating grin on his face. Disgusting. Vile. True evil.
So I walked up to him while recording and made a call from my cellphone to his which I used to instantly tell him off the bat: “YOU’RE FKD!” Also by doing this at that moment I was putting him in a position (ON CAMERA mind you) which he had zero opportunity to deny anything.

Over the next 20-30 minutes He confessed to everything that was said during the conversations. Instead of me questioning him, initially I had told him to tell me exactly why he was there, and for him to tell me (the camera) everything that was in those terrible and unbelievable messages. 

I grilled him like a ribeye.
After having gathered what I believed to be enough evidence and having him vocally express ( One more and last time) directly to the camera why he was there at that precise moment and what it was he had expected to go down that day in his apartment, I decided to end recording, and leave.
With my adrenaline pumping, I left. Forgetting to do what could’ve been the most important thing, not for exposing him or the Court, but for ME. . . Call the cops. I called them about 10 minutes into the walk back to my home. I told the Officer everything that had just happened. Including the prior five days leading up to this event. I was praised for doing what I had done by this Officer but was informed that the “Detective” responsible for this “crime category” was already off duty and wouldn’t be returning until Monday.
On Monday I received a phone call from that Officer and TRIED to explain everything. It was like I was speaking another language to him. He REPEATEDLY tried to change what I was telling him. For example; I explained how I was the decoy and that there did NOT EXIST AN ACTUAL MINOR involved here, and then he would say: “so you and this sex offender ‘hooked up’ and tried to get a ‘13’ year old over to HIS house” !!!!! It was if he was Trolling. He simply could not, or did not WANT TO understand what happened. “It’s like a STING OPERATION” I finally said to him. I told him this guys name and where he lived. I even knew his birthdate from the convos with the Decoy. So this “detective” in charge of investigating a very serious category of crime in this city KNEW that this predator is a Registered Sex Offender. He KNEW that I was in possession of a litany of irrefutable evidence. Yet was totally incompetent and put me down as Suspect #1 from the start. For not a single reason. He denied my requests to come down and SHOW HIM THE FRICKIN’ EVIDENCE. He did not even want to see the video confession!!! Nothing happened. He said it was now an “open case” and I had a case number. Deflated. Flabbergasted. I was [again] in shock. After weeks of waiting, I ended up putting the entire video of sicko confessing and me grilling him on YouTube. My genuine motive from the start was to make a positive impact on the community. To potentially stop a child from being victimized by a predator. I felt let down the police response. Little did I know what was to come SIX months later. The cops raided the house I was living in.
I was immediately handcuffed and told that I was arrested for “LURING A MINOR” !!!! I was literally paralyzed. With at LEAST HALF A DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS AND AN EQUALLY UNNECESSARILY LARGE AMOUNT OF SUVS PARKED ON THE DRIVEWAY, LAWN, AND ONE OF THE BUSIEST ROADS IN THE CITY. RED AND BLUES FLASHING ON ALL OF THEM. W h a t . T h e . F o c k ! ? ! They went up to my neatly organized room and searched it over discovering of course nothing but my phone. Snatching it with a joy like they had just successfully done something significant. I had 5-7 cops surrounding me in a semi circle after arriving at the Jail as I prepared to go inside a cell. They even shackled my feet. I know from watching cops and the like on YouTube to always exercise the right to remain silent. There was nothing I could do or say at that point which would help and I definitely didn’t resist the arrest so it really must’ve been a slow day. Eh guys? That and/or the overly incompetent rookie had relayed to his colleagues and obviously his Superiors to get the raid and arrest warrant his own personal story that he had recreated. Unfriggenbelieveable! It’s SO ABSURD THERE IS NO PROPER WORDS TO EXPRESS HOW IT FEELS TO GO THROUGH THIS! Doing something I considered not just “Right”, but Honourable, Justified, and definitely NOT illegal! How the hell did a JUDGE sign an arrest AND RAID Warrant on me with ZERO evidence, physical, concrete, or even circumstantial?? Not a single reason lawfully or otherwise for them to raid, arrest, shackle my feet and throw me in a jail cell for hours, and then criminally charge me with “Luring of a Minor”. Evidently, according to this news article the police had conducted a Six Month Investigation. Huh? Of What?! On Who?!
Now, Finally, The News Article: The information printed in any news article requires a source, so all of this information had to have only been provided by the police department. This article was printed at 9 in the morning the very next day of the arrest and raid. So of course this was all information provided from police.

This is what the dumbass, rookie, ignorant cop fabricated for no actual real reason: 

“Two men were arrested yesterday after a Six Month long Investigation revealed that the men had ‘BOTH’ believed that they were speaking with a ‘13’ year old boy online. Registered sex offender (the real predators name) and another known sex offender ( my name) are each charged with Luring of a Minor. (Real predators name again) is also charged with using an electronic device to lure a Minor, and breach of probation.”

My LandLord happened to be home at the time of the Raid, and he had also (I guess being suspicious after the raid,) read the article online which is quoted directly above. 

Which meant that he would be evicting me from the property, and I can’t blame him. With that article being read by my roommates and hisself I can’t really blame him for that either.
The charges against myself were eventually dropped, of course. About 18 months later! My phone being confiscated in the raid in order to access everything on there was also given back to me. They played immature and unprofessional games with that as well; returning my property. Such as : come in this day, your phone is ready to be released now. Show up. “Oh so and so thought it was ready but we don’t have it yet.” Weeks later. Get another call saying it is in fact ready now. Show up. “There is no one working in the evidence locker today, there will be in two days.” Screw them! I show up ten days late and what do you know? My property is actually there for me, and I finally get it back. Of course having had to purchase new phone in the meantime. Worse yet, I can’t recall the password and it was before facial recognition (not like that would matter) and after the fingerprint touch button. So it’s just a brick now.
That’s the least of my concern, as that bullshit article remains up, and the YouTube video had been taken down for some privacy violation nonsense.
After paying the criminal defence attorneys’ invoice(s), I couldn’t afford the 6K being asked by EVERY attorney I had reached out to.
So there, that’s one of many of my Unbelievably Insane Life’s stories. I suppose I didn’t provide the short version. Even though I have sincerely tried to keep it all to a minimum by leaving out plenty of details and significant events, this ended up being the Mid Length version.

Hi, we recently completed are 1st season of cartoons, and I'm working on finding distribution and pitching it. However, right now, it's simply available for free on youtube. How we expect to make money from it, is beyond me... I just want to get our 2nd and 3rd season knocked out quicker than it took the first season, which was roughly 3 years. All the talent has done an amazing job, and I don't like that we're so damn slow. o.O
Compared to other productions, we are REALLY CHEAP lol. I mean, we pay everyone, but we are working on a small budget. The hope is to get an investor that will essentially invest in the whole 3 season series. Then, we can resume production and get season 2 completed and season 3 written. It's an insane series comprised of all our short shows on youtube (except for the weird singing guy...), all packaged in an adult swim like presentation.
https://preview.redd.it/r8p1y4t42j0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9a91bf2c11642e4ea4d38ddbe921c5d4ca200ac1
https://preview.redd.it/5mpsm4t42j0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6f2945298e762fbfb9b428cab821be94832f4a9f
https://preview.redd.it/x5dfw4t42j0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8922690533ad35e0d365e8f78faa0198e85b0424
https://preview.redd.it/wv4dr4t42j0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=aa78e568a789cc4c5a343513cf83960555c60bff
https://preview.redd.it/rgiqy4t42j0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b165a2f2bb213e928761bf7c262f242eff4a063e
https://preview.redd.it/bib2s5t42j0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1da8c6f7bf4114e6f4dd5c5819df54b7146cc983
https://preview.redd.it/mjit05t42j0d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=54bc4760c5293442372ffcf6314fa8eef7f53b2c
The investor would be invested in our first season, as well as the ones in production, so if you invest today, and tomorrow I get an email from Uncle Scrooge and he says he wants to distribute season one for so much money, you'll get some of that too. It's completely out of character for Scrooge, but it's the best example. Now, how McDuck's deal would work, I have no idea, but whatever funds are given to us, a percentage would be returned to you, based on your investment. You know how investments work better than I do...
But, again, it's very important to note, other than pitching and seeking out distribution, I'm not sure how we'll make money. So, the ideal investor would be a partner with an immature sense of humor and love for our cartoons. If you don't like our cartoon, and you'd like for us to change them... I appreciate your consideration, but unfortunately the entire cartoon-scape of shows all exist in an interconnected universe and timeline that is very complex and even crosses over with our other projects. It's very, very, very, VERY overly thought out.
Now... after the 3rd season is complete, that's not the end of the series, it's just the idea milestone to reach.
And, while all 3 seasons are ideal, an investor in only 1 season would also be awesome, because it will allow us to get started on season 2 and pay our folks from season 1 a bit more to say thank you and please come back to us.
Thanks for your time and indulgence... Please message me if you are interest and would like to know more.
Oh! Money. -We'll be able to get all 3 seasons complete for just under 78,000. However... 26k would cover what we already put into season 1, allowing us to jump right on to season 2.
-6k would allow us to finish our feature that's in the works, all voices are done, it just needs animated and music. 6k would make it extra awesome quality, but we could also get it done for 3k, in slightly better detail than our other cartoons.
-Individual webshows - if you can't do a huge amount, I don't blame ya. We can always do less, and you would share a percentage with other investors.
But again, most important thing, I have no idea how we'll be profitable, I just want to make our cartoons so the talent can be see them and enjoy them, while I figure that out!