I need advice.
I have a lovely woman in my life for whom i care alot about, i love her with all my heart and want to give the world to her. But sometimes i end up hurting her and disappointing her, because i miss on few things. I genuinely care about her and do things for her, like flowers, love letters, gifts, surprises, lovely texts, showing interests in her hobbies and her life, and according to her, I am a good boyfriend, i believe so, i am, but sometimes i miss when it comes to small stuff, like knowing her period dates, being really patient with her on those times, also posting her pictures in return when she posted mine.
i thought it was okay, because in the past, she had posted my pictures, and i hadnt reciprocated that well, and it was okay, she didnt say anything; one more time it happened and she let me know to post her, then i did do it, and last night i forgot. It was bad, she felt hurt, she felt i dont care about her. We had an argument. Because according to her, there's no meaning in doing anything after she has asked me to do it, rather i should do it by myself. I agree with that, i should show more care and affection about small gestures too, beacause they mean something. But i didnt, because 1) Few things i didnt know i should care about 2) i expected it was okay.
i know men and women function differently, for her, Me doing it , means alot more, rather than me, just having the intentions of doing it. I get it. Doing it is more important. Rather than just thinking about doing it, and not doing it.
Thats why i am here to ask you, what are the things, small or big gestures of love and care, that a woman expects her man to do? .One was, remembering her periods and her moods, anything more. I really care about her and i dont to make her feel like i dont. So your input will be really valuable.

**TL;DR;** it is about me doing everything but going short on small gestures for. 

Me (20F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been dating almost a year, but for the past seven months we have had the same problem. He keeps saving/looking at online girls when I have told him on each offence (six times now I've caught him) how it makes me feel. How do I make him understand my feelings and get him to stop in an effective way?
The first time I had found girls on his phone was in October. There were hundreds of photos of porn, sexual photos, or just normal pretty women in his camera roll. After I found it, I asked him to delete all of the photos, as it made me feel uncomfortable he was looking at all these other girls when he is dating me. He immediately was on board and deleted all of them. Few months later, it happened again in December. Then again in January. The third time I really tried to explain how I felt, and thought I did well. But once again in April, there is more photos. This has happened six times now in total, and each time it hurts me more and more. To be fair, he has stopped saving these photos, but I still find him looking at OnlyFans girls and scrolling through their pages endlessly. I decided to write him a long letter about how I really felt, and I finally thought I got through to him. He was very apologetic and promised it was the last time. Next day, I go through his reddit searches and he was searching up more and more women. He said he wanted to do it "one last time" before he couldn't.
I'm not sure how to get him to stop this. He said he is tired of us always arguing about this, but I explained that if he is tired of this problem, he can easily stop it himself. I'm embarrassed of this, and don't want to ask my friends for advice because I've been asking for the same advice for months. I want to find a way to make him understand how it truly makes me feel, and how to tell him to stop respectfully. What's your advice on how I should communicate this?

I've dated my boyfriend for 3 years. We lived together, we went through so much together. it wasn't just a relationship, he was like family to me. I broke up with him during our second year due to me finding him flirting with a girl at a bar. Then he ended up begging me to take him back; he said how I'm the woman of his life and how we have such bond and connection. I'll admit, yes, he was the love of my life and vice versa. I don't feel like I'll love anyone else in my life as much as I loved him, because our love was so pure; my love for him was, and still is unconditional. It's hard to put into words but it just feels like our inner childs connect and we share so much with each other. We know everything about each other and that always brought me a sense of comfort. I ended up taking him back because I didn't want to make such big deal out of just flirting for female validation.
However, it always felt like he wanted the best of both worlds. He wanted to have me committed to him, staying at home, have no male friends, while he could just get out to bars and even not text me sometimes for the whole night. I gave a lot of what he did to his age at the time, he was 21-22.
After putting the puzzle together though, I realized that he was and is super insecure. He wanted constant validation from family, friends, me, and apparently other females to keep going and pushing. He never really liked his body while liking his overall stylish look. But never with his body underneath. The interesting part is, he didn't really workout and he would put junk food into his body and then internally cry about the results not being there, since he is not his 17 year old self who burned so many calories naturally without having to do anything. I would encourage him to come to the gym with me and he did at times, but he was always grumpy when a topic about working out was being talked about.
He also had an avoidant attachment style. He would run away if there was a need of emotional vulnerability. I believe that's how he coped with things when his parents got a divorce; he was only 6.
Anyways, after taking him back, I went to my home country and he came to visit in between my visit to get a good taste of where I grew up in. (it was his first time visiting overseas.) We had a blast time. I stayed longer so he came back and was by himself, mainly with his friends. I didn't question him much when i was there because I wanted to give him space while I took mine, we were in touch though, just not as regularly.
I got back, he picked me up from the airport and had something going on with him. He did not seem happy to see me. Long story short, he broke up with me for bullshit reasons and I couldn't just let him go because it was very unexpected and unbelievable. I saw him multiple times and in all of those conversations, he was so cold. Cold to a point where I questioned who I was dating. And on my last conversation, he admitted that he cheated on me when I was back home.
I didn't say much, I was disgusted. I let him go. 7 months after no-contact, he texted me to give me my stuff back. I sent someone to take them and they came back with a letter from him...
You can probably imagine what the letter says. It was three pages long, majority of what he addressed was a loving goodbye while confessing his love over and over again. He addressed how much he regrets this betrayal and how he is aware of him being a broken person who needs therapy.
3 weeks after receiving his letter, I decided to see him in person to give this an end fully. I didn't want any more love letters or anything, I was logically done and I had to see him because I gradually got worse as the days went by. As soon as I saw him, I melted. I noticed how much I was sick of trying to move on and date other people. I missed our connection, love, affection, and our lovey-dovey times. I missed him so much to a point where I forgot where I was or what time it was, I never wanted to leave or give it an end right there. He also have lost the 20 pounds he was upset over for years.
Now, I have been talking to him for 3 weeks or so. He's been showing the commitment and consistency towards his own workout routine and healthy eating. He said things like, " I told you so many times before that I felt like I didn't deserve you, but now I feel like I do." "I will show you through my actions, just wait and see. Give me a chance to just be in your life." "I love my body now and I only need your validation to feel handsome, you are the one."
He cried so many times for hours and I have never seen him as emotionally vulnerable and open. He really seems like he wants to work on himself and his overall health. (In all aspects.) He really has been showing so far how much he wants to change his life for the better and for himself, not just for me. it doesn't feel like it's only for me because I saw him not committing to his routine one time and it kills him mentally, he needs to be on track with the promises he makes to himself, it seems.
He recently moved to another state, for the sake of growth and him wanting to get out of his hometown. I don't know what that will bring, but I'm trying to do my own thing. He talks to me like how we used to talk and I don't know how to find the balance because he was the most important person in my life for a long time.
I have hope for him, I want him to be happy regardless. But I'm so confused. I feel betrayed every time i'm not with him. When I'm with him, he is my person. But when I come home or we're apart for couple days, I think of everything and just get disgusted.
I feel emotionally weak right now so if and/or when I make a logical decision of letting him go for the better, it stabs me mentally and I feel like I'm dying, so I know I'll be crawling back to him and that'd be even more embarrassing. Also, letting go of him seems hard because I am almost so sure that I won't be able to fall in love with someone as much as I fell in love with him. I'm not saying that I won't at all, but I just know internally that I won't love someone else as deeply and unconditionally. We have so many memories together and I feel like he is my family. Our physical attraction is so on point. I know he didn't do this because of me or the relationship because I think it was beautiful and every problem could be solved if we just talked.
Other option is to stay with him to let him prove everything to me and see if I want to be in a relationship with him again, but in that case, will I respect myself? Will I actually forgive him for what he did and everything he put me through? Can I ever build that trust with him again? Will he actually develop himself and grow for himself? Am I willing to take the risk of him cheating on me again? Will I be happy with him, knowing what he did to me? (I feel like if he did it again, it'd be easier to move on, but what do I know.)
This is also a topic of morals, ethics, and values aligning or not in a relationship. I would just never cheat on someone simply because that's not within my character and I never even thought of it as an option due to my ethics, morals, and values. But obviously, that's not the case for him.
Would I rather take the risk of moving on with my life, letting this love go and potentially compare every new person or relationship to my connection with him, or would I rather go down on a path where I might never feel that safety and loyalty from him and also live with the thought of accepting such behavior that my morals are so against towards.
There is also another flip side to the coin where, everyone has the capability of cheating and I know there are 7.9999 billion people who didn't do that to me yet, but can this be forgiven for the sake of this unknown phenomenon that applies to everyone else also?
This a battle of my logic and my heart. One thing I wrote is "Is it worth to let go of love, for the sake of self-respect?"
Is once a cheater always a cheater?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WholePomegranate5342
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest
My Parents Tried to Screw Over My Dying StepMother, Blew Up All Of Our Lives Instead
Trigger Warnings: infidelity, imminent death, terminal illness, financial exploitation, physical assault, emotional abuse and manipulation
Original Post: February 13, 2024
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
My (17F) stepmother "Jane" is a wonderful, wonderful woman. She and my father got married when I was 4, and she's been a rock in my life ever since. My mother was always my primary caregiver, but up until that point her relationship with my father was acrimonious and I basically never saw him. Jane was the reason they developed a stable co-parenting relationship, she encouraged everyone having a good relationship with each other and was always there to support me and my mom when things got rough.
Jane was always a really hard worker. When she met my dad, he was living out of a hotel and my mother was doing everything in her power to keep me away from him because she was petty and angry that their relationship didn't work out. Meanwhile Jane had a great job, a nice house, helped my dad get back on his feet, negotiated a visitation schedule with my mom (who hated her for a long time), and made sure my dad sent us money every week because neither one of them could afford an attorney to negotiate child support payments. Jane had no reason to do any of these things but as I got older she made it clear that she loved me as much as she loved my (half) brothers who were born a few years later. I even have my own room in her house because at the time we lived with my grandparents / various boyfriends of my mom and Jane felt that I needed a more stable environment than that. She's like the opposite of the evil stepmom.
When I was 15, Jane won a big lawsuit against an airline company and got awarded upwards of a million dollars. She used the money to build sizable trust funds for me and my brothers so that we would be taken care of later in life. Despite having a lot more money she still wanted to live a fairly modest life, so she paid off the house she has and has been living there ever since with my dad. Sure she bought a new car and they went on a few nice vacations but she didn't blow all her money on stupid things, which I respected.
About a year ago, things started getting really weird. Whenever I saw Jane she seemed to look sicker and sicker, but no one would tell me or my brothers why even though I know they knew. All we knew is that she was at the hospital a lot. Around the same time, my mom has been coming around my dad a lot more and acting really strange, basically like she was trying to romance him. Whenever Jane was in the hospital my mother would insist on spending the night at their house and playing mom to my brothers, which was so weird to me because she never liked them or Jane. She'd be the perfect little housewife and my mom is NOT like that at all. It was super fake.
Worst of all, my dad started falling for it. I'm not stupid - I'm pretty sure they were sleeping together. I tried to shield my brothers from it but they're not dumb either. I tried talking to my dad too but he insisted it wasn't like that.
Then a few weeks ago, my mom started talking about all the places she'd like to visit, how she wanted a new car and was looking to invest... which is weird because my mom has been a bartender her whole life and has lived paycheck to paycheck since before I was born. She was acting like she was about to get a lot of money, which started to make me really suspicious. Between Jane being sick and my mom acting all nouveau riche, I had a lot of questions.
Finally I decided to visit Jane in the hospital and ask her about my trust fund. I found out that if anything happened to her, that my dad would inherit all the money including full control of the trusts for me and my brothers. She asked me why I was so interested in the trust fund so I told her what's going on with my parents and how my mom has been acting with my dad. I didn't want to but after everything she did for me, she deserved the truth. It really hurt me to break her heart like that, especially once I found out that she was basically in hospice at this point because of irreversible kidney failure. She's only got a few more months. We both cried so much.
Then, two days ago everything came to a head. My mom stormed in furious and started arguing with my dad. Apparently Jane met with her lawyer and changed the trust so that my dad would get nothing and all of the trusts would be controlled by my step-aunt. She demanded to know how Jane found out about their relationship and I came out and told them that I told Jane everything. I told them that if they wanted to play stupid games they would win stupid prizes and that I wasn't going to let them screw Jane over after all the help she gave my family when she didn't have to.
My mom slapped me and my dad just looked so defeated. Then my mom told my dad that she didn't really love him, that she was just pretending to so he would marry her and she could get all of the money. The worst part about it is that my brothers witnessed the whole thing and now on top of their mom dying they have to deal with a cheating dad and his vindictive ex. Our whole family is in ruins and I feel like it's my fault even though I know it's not.
Yesterday I visited Jane again and told her about the fallout. She apologized and said that she had to dissolve my trust fund to make sure my mother didn't get a hold of the money, but that as "her oldest" I will inherit the house/property after she is gone and that's worth more than the other two trust funds combined. My father won't get anything because she's going to divorce him before she dies, and honestly I'm happy for her. She made me promise to take care of my brothers and told me that once I turn 18 this summer I can kick my dad out of the house if I want to. And I FULLY plan to do that btw.
I haven't talked to my dad since and I can't even look at my mom. I can't believe they would conspire to do this to Jane after all this time. Just proof that they deserve each other and I'm embarrassed that they're my parents. Once I turn 18 I'm going to cut my dad out as much as I can and cut my mom out completely. I hope she rots. Meanwhile I'm going to try and be at the hospital as much as I can until Jane passes away.
Anyways. I just needed to vent. I'm really messed up about the whole thing and I feel super betrayed, although I can't even begin to imagine how Jane feels. I'm gonna be so f-ed up when she dies. I can't even think about that right now. But at least she's not surrounded by people who just want to bring her down.
Thanks for reading.
Edit: Some people are asking a lot of the same stuff so I'll just clarify here --
My brothers - My plan is to use some of the estate money fight for guardianship for my twin brothers so that they can live in the house while I kick my dad out. If I can't get guardianship then I will have to let my dad stay in the house. However once I turn 18 I will technically be an adult so even if my dad leaves I'm still legally able to be responsible for them. The only thing I won't be able to do is stop him from taking them if he leaves. But they will be 18 in six years so even if they do have to leave they will always be able to come back whenever they want. In a perfect world my dad would just leave and let my brothers stay with me which I'm sure my bio-mom would be very supportive of because right now she hates all of us and I doubt that will change anytime soon.
The trust - from what I understand, my brothers will inherit 1/3 each of the estate and the remaining 1/3 will be used to keep the house running until they turn 18. After that it will be up to me if I want to keep the house or sell it. At that point my brothers will still have money left in the trust so they can branch out or do whatever they want, otherwise I will not sell the house and just pass it on to them or keep it and maintain it myself and they can just stay with me as long as they need to.
(Edit to the edit) So I just spoke to Jane and she told me that the reason she dissolved the trust is because originally it was going to be split 3x between us kids and my dad would inherit the house. She dissolved my 3rd and switched it over to make it to take care of the house maintenance, and instead put the house in my name so my dad wouldn't get it. Plus by doing that at least financially I would be getting a much bigger share (the house is worth about 1.5x the amount of my brothers trusts) I just wouldn't be able to do anything with it until my brothers are 18, which I'm totally cool with. Sorry if I don't have a better answer but I'm just trying to translate what she told me.
My parents - The big fight happened on Sunday and I haven't spoken to either of my parents since, I think they're both at my mom's place right now but that's fine with us because we're all still mad at them so they can stay gone for all we care. I know technically that's not legal to just leave us alone but I've been taking care of my brothers for over a year I can handle a few days while he gets his shit together. Screw both of them.
Hope that clears some stuff up.
TLDR; My bio parents tried to screw my terminally ill stepmother out of trust fund money, but she caught on and now no one on my side of the family gets anything.
Additional Information from OOP on her parents, stepmom’s health, trust funds

OOP: (Why isn't Jane on dialysis) - I don't remember the exact details but Jane has a genetic condition where she gets cysts on her kidney. She already had a transplant a few years ago but now she developed problems with her arteries or something in her legs so she doesn't qualify for dialysis. She could get another transplant but she doesn't want to because the last time was so traumatic (rejections, etc). So she decided to just let herself go onto maintenance medications to prolong her death until she gets her affairs in order. She has a few other health problems that make the typical treatments really dangerous and according to her she'd rather die surrounded by loved ones than on an operating table.
(Dissolving the trust fund) - Jane told me she didn't technically have to do it, but she didn't trust my bio parents not to do something shady and get a hold of the money before I turn 18. Even if my aunt controlled the fund my dad would still be able to collect if something happened to Jane before I turn 18. Her lawyer suggested it's better safe than sorry and I agreed that it was the best option. I'm not an expert tho I don't know the details.
(How my mom knew) - Like I said before I'm pretty sure Jane told my dad, who then told my mom and that's how the argument started. I can't think of any other way and I didn't really care enough to ask.
(Jane's thoughts on my mom) - she didn't know my mom was doing all of that. My mom has her own place and would only come over whenever Jane was in the hospital for a few days at a time. I've been living with my dad for a little over a year so he probably told Jane that my mom was there to spend time with me, if he told her at all. Besides she didn't "move in" until a few months ago, which I guess is when they started hatching their plan. Jane never outright banned my mom from visiting so there really wasn't anything she could do.
Hope that helps.
Edit for the last part: The remainder of the money belonging to the estate that hasn't been put into trusts for my brothers is going to be used to maintain the house (utilities, taxes, etc) until my brothers are 18 and then I can either choose to sell the house or keep it and maintain it myself if I'm able to. I plan to go to school in that time and get a better job with the goal of keeping the house, but if I can't then I have the option to sell it. Not that I will but that's how it was explained to me.

OOP on her stepmom and their relationship, provides thoughts on her bio mom

OOP: Honestly it's because she's more of a "real" mom than my actual mom.
My bio mom is kind of ambiguous about my existence but Jane was always extra involved, sending me to sports teams and paying for dance classes and just showing interest in my hobbies as I got older. Plus as the only girl I think we bonded on a level she can't with my brothers so she always made sure to let me know I was on equal terms with them. When I was younger we would watch movies and have girl time where it was just us 1:1 and those are some of my best memories with her.
Jane is also really mature and someone I wanna be like when I get older whereas it feels like my mom is a teenager in an adult's body. She was constantly picking fights with my dad about dumb things and Jane was always there to smooth things over and keep my best interest at heart over her own feelings. I know my mom made Jane's life really difficult for a long time but Jane never complained or said anything to me about it whereas my mom CONSTANTLY complained about Jane. As I got older I just always felt more at peace when I was around Jane than when I was around my mom.
If you want your step kids to love you just be there for them and treat them like your own. Ignore whatever drama you have with your husbands ex and just love your kids. Trust me if you really care about them they will know.

Relevant Comments
mattdvs1979: My only advice is make sure you work with a lawyer once she passes so you get your inheritance and your parents can’t try to intervene, and then you keep your promise to use that money for you and your brothers’ welfare.

OOP: Oh absolutely, Jane already gave me the lawyer's info and between him and my step-aunt I'm sure I will be able to do what I need to do for them. I don't even care about the money, most people don't have trust funds and turn out just fine. I'm actually more glad that she gave me the house because you can be damn sure it's going to be a safe space for my brothers whether I end up getting custody of them or not. My brothers are basically Jane's legacy so my goal is to give them the life and guidance that I got from her, and that they won't get because she'll be gone.

OOP on the relationship between her father and her stepmom before they got exposed

OOP: Honestly it hurts a lot because before Jane got sick they seemed to have the perfect relationship. Until my birthgiver (I like that) came in and fucked everything up with her toxic personality. Honestly in a perfect world my mom will end up broke and alone and in a shitty nursing home with bed sores. And when she calls me and begs me for a relationship (because she needs the attention) it'll feel so good to hang up on her over and over again.

OOP on Jane (stepmom)’s health and if Jane is mentally okay on the whole situation

OOP: I think so. Apparently it's a genetic disease so she always knew she was going to get sick she just didn't know when so mentally I think she was prepared for it. I just hope that she can find peace knowing the truth and knowing that I'll be there to make sure her sons don't grow up all fucked up.

OOP on her brothers getting therapy to deal with their mom/step-mom’s health and her imminent death

OOP: Yeah. I've already sat them down and talked to them about what's going on, they seem to understand but they're understandably really sad about the whole thing. I told them that when they go to school they should ask about a grief counselor and I'm trying to get their health insurance info from Jane so I can find them a therapist for kids. As much as all of this sucks I think it's brought the three of us a lot closer together.
Thanks a lot. I really love my brothers and I know it's my job to take care of them properly now that they won't have a mom around. Jane did so much to raise me and my brothers won't have the opportunity so it's only right that I help them.
Since finding all of this out my plan has always been to have my brothers live with me, I'm already in charge of taking care of them and the house for the most part the only thing my dad does is help pay the bills. Unfortunately I won't be able to kick my dad out as long as he's their legal guardian which is why I'm trying to find some other solution to that. But if/when that gets resolved he can live under a bridge for all I care.

 
Update: May 8, 2024 (3 months later)
Please check my profile for my previous post. :)
Hi guys it’s me again, a lot of you asked me for an update on my situation with Jane and my family so I’ve come back with a few things that have happened since I initially posted. I will try to organize this in a way that addresses the major points of last time.
Jane is still alive and doing surprisingly well considering the circumstances. She’s always been a fighter and although her disease has been progressing she’s keeping a positive attitude with everything that is going on. She says she’s grateful that she was able to see everyone’s true colors before she passed so she could go into the next life knowing the truth. We have become so unbelievably close in the past few months and it’s getting harder and harder to know that she’s getting close to the end. She doesn’t ever talk about it though and I know it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt me but we both know the situation so we’re just making the best of our time. I'm also not being completely transparent about all of the drama at home but tbh I don't think she needs to hear all of that.
We did end up having that surprise celebration of life that I planned, a lot more people showed up than I thought but they all got an airbnb near the hospital where Jane is and we were able to take her out and spend some time at the lake near the facility. It was super lowkey which I know Jane preferred and I was even able to get her old college friend to come after I found him on Linkedin lol. We had food and there was music and we played games and it was overall a really great time, except Jane started crying at the end but she promised me it was just because she was grateful.
My brothers are also doing okay, my aunt (Jane's sister) is currently paying for them to go to therapy and they've become a lot more open about talking about the situation. They just turned 13 but a lot of the time it feels like I'm talking to actual adults lol. They've become really independent lately (in a good way) and aside from me driving them places I don't really have to do much for them anymore. Their grades aren't super great but they're not failing and considering the circumstances it could be a lot worse. They still hang out with friends and I'm keeping an eye out for like depression symptoms and stuff.
The situation with my mom is as funny as it is embarrassing tbh. She spent a few weeks ignoring us and then she tried to crawl back into my life basically begging me to let her move in because her lease is about to expire and she has nowhere to go. That convo went about as well as you'd think and she ended up calling me an ungrateful b**** and that I couldn't just ignore her because she's my mom. I told her to get out of the house before I call the cops and to go back to my dad (who at that point was only coming home every few days to "check on us" and grab some clothes.)
After that she tried coming by a few times and when I wouldn't open the door she would lose her mind and start yelling through the neighborhood. After three instances of this I finally called the cops but because I'm 17 they told me there's a possibility that I would have to go home with her since technically I'm a minor and need to be with the custodial parent. I told them no way because I was the only one watching my brothers atm. That led to a whole thing where after a few hours my dad basically showed up and I was allowed to stay there because there was finally an adult present and I'd basically lived there for over a year.
After that the cops firmly told my mom that if she keeps showing up and causing drama (my neighbors confirmed that she'd been there a few times screaming) that they would arrest her for trespassing since technically it was Jane's house and not hers. She left and hasn't tried coming to the house anymore but for a while she would call me constantly telling me I owed her and all kinds of stuff. She's now blocked on everything and anything she needs to say to me gets filtered through my dad.
As for my dad... well, since he's basically required to be here for another 2 months until I turn 18 we've basically just avoided each other. It's not too bad though because I've been heavily relying on guilting him for everything to get my way. For example he was going to contest the divorce but I threatened to kick him out when I turn 18 if he does that so he just signed all the paperwork for a "quickie divorce" and is basically doing whatever Jane tells him to do. I don't openly disrespect him or anything (he's still my dad) but I've made it clear that I have no intentions on doing anything he says ever again and he doesn't fight me on it. Most of the time he's just in his room and sometimes he'll go back to my mom's but only for a day or two before they argue and she kicks him out again lol. I haven't decided whether or not I'll kick him out yet and we haven't talked about it either so I'm kind of playing it by ear.
As for me, I'm handling everything as good as I can. I found a new job where I make a little more money so I've been focusing on saving as much as I can and just being there for my brothers. Between working and school and visiting Jane I've been so busy I haven't really had time to really stop and think about everything, but I know it'll come. One of my friends has really stepped up and helped me manage everything and I'm super grateful to him for being there for me and my brothers so we'll see how that goes.
Anyways I wish I had something more exciting to share but that's what's happened since my last post :) Thanks again for all the support on my last post.
Relevant Comments
OOP on the possibility of her stepmom being poisoned from her parents to get Jane’s money

OOP: Hi there,
A few people have mentioned this and yes we are absolutely certain she is not being poisoned, it’s a genetic disease causing her kidney failure and we have known about it for a long time but she shielded us from the worst of it hence why her “sudden” decline in health was such a shock to us, we thought she had more time.
My brothers have also been screened for this disease and thankfully neither of them have it.
Edit to add: I’m turning 18 in a few weeks so I don’t need to get emancipated and my dad has already agreed that my brothers will stay in the house with me because they have nowhere else to go.

OOP on Jane making video clips for her brothers

OOP: Yes actually a few people suggested this on my last post and we have been doing this for a few weeks now. Jane has a little digital recorder that she’s been putting her thoughts down on and she’s also written a few letters to us for major milestones. My brothers do not know about this as we want to surprise them but that said they have been coming to the hospital more now that they’re in therapy and able to deal with it. I know they do not want to have any regrets even though it’s a difficult situation.

OOP on her father after being exposed and her bio mom trying to manipulate him

OOP: I do think he’s remorseful, he hasn’t said it but the way he’s acting is telling me that, he’s being really passive when normally he gets a little belligerent if he really feels like he didn’t do anything wrong. Also I know I have every reason to kick him out but he’s still my dad even tho what he did to Jane was terrible. He’s just kind of a weak minded person and my bio mom really manipulated the crap out of him and continues to manipulate him but I can tell he’s getting tired of her BS because he’s spending less time with her.
He didn’t know she was showing up at the house and when he found out he was super pissed at her, they’ve been fighting nonstop and I can tell he’s not as much under her spell anymore because he’s at home more but who knows.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I was with my ex for a year before he broke up with me. Mine F (22) and he’s M (24). During our honeymoon stage we was so in love and enjoyed each other company. We met in late November and we were friends with benefits. We use to hang iut together. We use to sleep in my car to be together. No clothes and just a blanket. We didn’t care as long as we had each other. We were fine. When we were together we didn’t see no one but each other. I got pregnant in December and got a abortion in march. We already had a kid on the way and he wasn’t ready to have another one. He didn’t have a car, he worked at food lion, he had a apartment, and he didn’t have much. I didn’t want to the abortion but it was the best decision at the time for us. I use to help him get his son and pick me up. I picked him up from work, pick him uo from interviews, helped him get a new phone when his old ine got messed up. I always helped him out in anyway and form. This was in the beginning of 2022.
We moved from the situation. We talked about it and were happy. We moved in together in October 2022. It was the worst and happiest decision ever. The beginning was fun. We stayed up late and watched movies. We did normal young couple stuff. I loved it because i got to be around him 24/7 with no one else beside his son. We were a little family. He would go out with his friends but he would always come back home late. He would always be the designated driver when they go out. None of his friends had a car so they used him. I didn’t like it and I told him I didn’t, they used him when it benefit them. He always worked overtime and was always at work to provide for us. I was conplain about us spending some time together like on the weekends but he was too tired from work and he would rather hang out with his friends. This went on for months. He invited people over who I didn’t know and he didn’t tell me. When he went on a trip to Atlanta, he needed helped getting back. His friends that were in his car didn’t have money and therir parents didn’t give him money for gas. He called me and told me to give him $100 dollars to get home. We started to fuss. I told him i’m not there to help him and he need to figure it out his self. He got mad and started to get loud at me about the money. I understand he was stressed and pissed about it but i gave him money to get there for gas and food and i gave him some money before he left. He should’ve had enough money. When i went on my trip he didn’t give me no money.
My birthday last year he broke up with me over stupid stuff. He layed around on my birthday and didn’t care. He got mad about it. I took him out and went to cheddars and I paid for it. I cried in the restaurant. He lied multiple times about why he did it. I cried for the whole month of august because i felt like i was not good enough for him. He went out every weekend with friends and ignored me. He only used me for sex. I cried to him and he looked at me like i was stupid and i made him bored. I was unhappy that whole month but he didn’t care. I went on a trip with my family, I was miserable but I faked it for my fmaily. He was out with friends when i was gone. He didn’t care. We were broken up for 2 weeks. He tried to get back with me but i said no. We got back together so way.
I got pregnant in October of 2023. He was unhappy about the baby. He wasn’t ready. He said he wanted to travel, get a house, build his self, grow and more. I was sad because i knew what he wanted me to do. He told me he wanted me to get a abortion. My last abortion made me depressed and sad. I got tired of it. Our lease was ending in November 2023. We both went back home. I was pregnant and emotionally. I needed him.
For two moths we were happy and excited to grow our family. We still had problems. He still went out with his friends. He went out with some girl and her mom to get me a Christmas. He never got me nothing. The last gift he got me was valentines day in 2022. He came to my house, I was mad. I told him i didn’t like her and that he need to stop talking to her. I told him, she likes him but he didn’t believe me. He said that’s his friend. One day she facetime him when he was getting a haircut. I ignored it but i thought about answering. I never trusted their relationship there. I still don’t.
Christmas eve, we was going out to eat. We came to my house to chill. I got out the care i felt like it was my time of the mont. I looked down and saw blood. I got scared and told my family. They told us to go to the hospital to see what’s going on. We went and waited for hours. I was scared but i tried not to show it. I knew it wasn’t normal to bleed when your pregnant. Wewent to get a ultrasound and the whole time i was scared. My boyfriend at the time cane with me (my ex). She didn’t say nothing when checking my baby. But at the end of the ultrasound she said she was fine and healthy. I was happy. Then we went to a room to talk to a doctor. They thought I had something so they gave me medicine for it but I was worried about the blood. But they said it would go away on its on. We were the last people to leave the hospital and we were tired.
For about a whole week of Christmas week, I bled. I was worried because it lasted too long. I told my family about my concerns. I couldn’t go see a doctor because of christmas and every one was out of work.
My boyfriend ( my ex) took me out for new years eve, we went to juicy crab. We fussed a little about dumb stuff. After he drop me off, he went to a party with friends. I just wanted to spend time with him. We didn’t live together anymore and i missed him. The next day I felt like i was in intense pain. It felt like i was on my period. It started at 6 in the morning and it lasted all day. I was throwing up and bleeding. I called my then boyfriend to come get me. He called the ambulance. He saw my bathroom and he was terrified. I felt weak and i could barely keep my eyes open.
I was still in pain when i got to the hospital. My family came to check up on me. I was too weak to care about my self and in pain to focus. They told me, my baby was trying to come out early. I was having a miscarriage. I was in the hospital for 5 days. I lost my baby girl on the third day. I was sad and i just wanted my boyfriend. He only came two days. He would go to work and then come stay the night with me. He still didn’t have a car. I cried every night when left alone. My mom kept me company when he wasn’t there. He called and texted me through out the day when he was at work. My last day at the hospital, i was ready to go home and get in my own bed. He didn’t text or called me on my last day. I had to tell his friend i was leaving the hospital to tell him. I felt sad because my boyfriend didn’t care about me or was checking up on me. We fussed about him not being there with me. He got mad that i didn’t let him drive my car to get to work and come see me at night. My parents would’ve fussed me out if i gave him my car to use. They told me not to give him my car.
That Saturday he was acting weird to me. He didn’t text or call me. He went out with friends to look at apartments a hour away. He didn’t tell me until the day of. We had two plan to when he have out baby girl. The first one was to move to raleigh and the second one was to wait until she was one to be able to talk and walk to move to raleigh. And we wanted her to be around family. I didn’t know he was still planning to move after everything. He was moving with his friends. I was sad he was moving on. I always got jealous when he would bond with his son. Everytime he was around me, he would call him friends to talk about the big move and what they was going to do. I cried because he didn’t care about me or my baby, he was moving on. It hurt that he never consider my feelings about everything and how i felt about it.
For three months, he treated me like shit. He would ignore my call and text messages. He acted like I didn’t exist. But he still would keep me around to use me to help him out. Helped him get to Raleigh to help his brother with his moving company, help him to get to work and more. I felt alone and depressed. I was going through postpartum. I wrote him a letter about everything from us to our baby girl. He didn’t acre about it. It took him a 2 week to read. I just wanted him to hold me and tell him everything was going to be alright. Everytime he was around me he jsut wanted sex. I took him to Raleigh to look at cars for him. He saw car he wnated and it was his dream car. A 2021 dodge charger. He only had $1,000 in his saving. Because he spent most of his saving trying to fix his other car that his friend he stayed with messed up. They wanted him to put down more on it. He looked at me and asked could i put down $650. I didn’t wnat to help him becashe never helped me and he treate me like shit after i lost our baby. Eventually i said yes i would put the money down to get the car. He needed insurance to get the car too so i put him on mines. I did too much for him. His birthday was days before he got his car. He was happy and i was happy to see i caused it. We just losted our baby so we both were going through it.
He posted on facebook and instagram like i wasn’t there or helped him get the car. I was mad because he didn’t acknowledge me or anything. But quick to act like he got it on his own. I loved him to death. He still treated me like shit afterwards. He didn’t care. He just used me. He was suppose to help me pay for my lawyer but he only gave me $200. My lawyer fees in total cost was $750. I paid all of it by myself. He still haven’t paid me.
Now he talking to different girls and partying. That’s what he wanted from the beginning. He was never ready to have a family with me. He still lie to me and tell me he see his self with me. and that he doesn’t care about me. I hide all our pictures and I delete our text messages. Everything felt like a lie with him. Nothing felt true or real.
I don’t want to get my feelings evolved with another person to hurt me emotionally. I don’t want to feel the same way i did with him for the past 8 months. I wasn’t myself. I don’t love him the same or see him as my lover. He feel like a stranger in his body. I still wanted us to start over and have a better start in life. I miss him and love him still. But i’m not going to wait around for him to come back to me.

Dearest Love,
It has now been 264 days since I last heard your voice. That I could see the disappointment on your face. I wish I had realized at that moment that it was my last chance to reach you. But a fool is foolish. And I am a fool, always have been.
Where should I start?
That I've been in love with you since we were in elementary school together? Or the fact that you broke my heart for the first time at the age of 14 when you met your first boyfriend?
Of course you weren't aware of any of this. When you disappeared from my life overnight at the age of 15, you didn't realize that it had shattered my world. I really thought back then that I would never see you again.
All my friends were in love with you. One even wrote you love letters. You never found out who'd send you these.
For us you were mysterious. So serious. So sad. So brave. So cheeky. So loud. So quiet. We were too young and too stupid at that time to understand what you were going through at home. To us you were just a beautiful mystery.
I had my own tragedies at home and I dreamed myself away. With you. And just then you disappeared. Nobody knew where you were and nobody had a clue what happened to you. There were the wildest rumors, but nothing tangible.
Five years later I was drunk in the club and you smiled at me from across the bar. I swear I was immediately sober. It was like I had seen a ghost, but you were real. Damn you were real!
You asked me how I was doing and whether life had been good to me. This was the happiest night of my life and I didn't want it to end.
When we said goodbye at dawn, I asked you if we would see each other again and you said, "Meet me at the party at Fusion on New Year's Eve." Damn, that was still 3 months away and how was I supposed to find you there? Among hundreds of people?
I found you. Exactly at midnight and we kissed. From that day on we belonged together.
But two children from broken families. This is destined for chaos and pain.
I moved to the other side of the country with you to put the past behind us. But you can't run away from your problems. They will always follow.
We dealt with the pain within us differently. You wanted to talk about it. About you, about me, about what happened in our families. I wanted to be silent.
You solved your problems in therapy. I drowned my problems in alcohol.
At the beginning of our relationship we went dancing together a lot. We celebrated, we drank, we looked for intoxication.
But then you changed. And I stayed the same.
You hid in books. I hid in clubs. You looked for new friends. I kept the old ones.
You've started studying and pretty soon you got a scholarship. Now you were no longer just beautiful with a loving soul, but also eloquent and smart.
And I? I became mean. I disappeared for nights at a time. I didn't keep my promises. I drank, I gambled, I did drugs. I woke up in strange apartments and had trouble with even stranger people.
And so the past had caught up with me and the future was calling for you. But you didn't want to give up on me and I didn't want to lose you.
So I pulled myself together, looked for a good job and I earned good money. But one can't keep a woman like you with dollar bills. You never looked for expensive gifts or status. All you ever looked for was love, respect and sincerity.
And I was not sincere.
You wanted respect. I laughed at you. You wanted love. I left you alone. You wanted to be my friend. I was your enemy.
And so you slowly said goodbye.
You didn't want to have to fight all the time anymore. You didn't want to have to cry because of me anymore. And I get that.
First you moved out. Then you had less and less time for me. When I called you, you often didn't answer the phone. When you did I heard you laughing on the phone with your friends in the back. You seemed to have a lot of fun. But you hardly laughed with me anymore.
264 days ago we had set up a date. We hadn't seen each other for two weeks. I canceled half an hour before I was supposed to pick you up. You were angry. "Why can't you just keep a simple promise?" I told you I was sick. A lie. Two hours later you showed up at my door. You brought me muffins, tea and some meds.
And I? I was hungover, playing poker.
The disappointment. The disappointment on your face. You asked me if I really ditched you for a poker game.
And I? I replied with, “At least I won $1,000.”
You gave me a sad little smile and asked me if I had anything left to say to you.
I laughed at you and said you were childish. That you're being overdramatic as always. That you're always causing stress.
And you said, "okay, if that's all you have to say, I'm leaving now."
I said we can see each other tomorrow.
And you said, "No, I'm leaving. For good."
You've said it a thousand times before, but this time I knew it was different.
I held you back and looked into your eyes saying: "I want to change. I really do. But I need time and your patience."
And you said: "You've had 10 years to appreciate what we had. Now you have the rest of your life to accept that I won't be a part of your life anymore."
You left.
264 days have passed since then.
Not a word from you.
Every day I try to reach you.
You're gone.
For good.
All of our old friends know you're gone. But no one talks to me about it because they know I messed up.
Since you left, I can't go on anymore.
I dream of you constantly. Sometimes I look for you and ask about you and everyone acts like you never existed. And I feel the despair until I wake up crying.
Sometimes you're standing far, far away from me and I try to get to you, but I can't move a step. So I call you, but you don't hear me. I shout louder until I wake up from it.
Then I lie in bed with my heart racing slowly remembering that you are no longer here. And that it is my fault.
My best friend forced me to go on a date. The woman I was on the date with came closer. She kissed me and I started crying.
I've never felt as bad as I did in that moment. I wasn't ashamed. It was the sadness that burst out of me.
I know people will say it will pass. That I will fall in love again someday. But I do not care. I lost you. I lost the person who believed in me the most. I lost the love of my life.
And it's my fault. I will never be able to forgive myself for this.
That's what was left to say.

Here's a post of mine from 2017

I'm in.
Hard mode
Indefinitely
My goal is to regain, no find myself. PMO'ing since the age of 12. I'm 27 now. Porn fucked up my life. No more!
Today is one year after my attempted OD. The catalyst was my girlfriend of five years leaving me and me screwing up my career as a firefighter. I was broken then and I'm still broken now. I blame PMO and porn in general. Insanity is repeating the same cycle and expecting a different result. Time to break this cycle.
Post end
^{How naive I was}

Back story with context

I now know my addiction started with MO at the age of 5. I used to do that on a daily basis to self soothe and it didn't help that I discovered what can be done with an electric massager. See my parents got divorced the first time around about then, they remarried each other, only to get divorced again. Mom remarried a abusive alcoholic, moved to my absent father and verbally abusive stepmother, all this before turning 14. Looking back I can see I was neglected and found my own coping mechanisms. Smoking cigarettes, weed and alcohol since 13, other drugs soon followed at 16, whatever I could get my hands on.
Note all my compulsive and addictive behaviours were actively being pursued in some form or another throughout my story, I merely set the stage with the background.
At 19 I lost my virginity to a broken and hurt girl that was on average banging 4 guys a week, she literally had to take off her clothes and ask me whilst naked 'What are you waiting for?' I was so inept and socially awkward. After two hours of furiously boning because I couldn't finish, I snuck back to my room only to jerk off. I recall thinking to myself was that it? Was all the hype about that? Needles to say this girl went and 'cheated' on me after a week, left me a tad embittered.
At 21 I somehow got my first girlfriend, she had been raised by her grandparents because both her parents had tragically died in two separate freak accidents, she had proper traditional values, real wivey material. Wanted to wait until marriage. None of it mattered much to me, I knew what I wanted and at 21 it certainly wasn't a wife. She was studying nursing and I was a firefighter, we were both renting, me with friends, her in a student commune. We started occasionally sleeping over at each other, very innocently at first just making out, cuddling and talking.
post deleted
She took the sheets with to wash and made a hasty retreat, I went to work in a cold sweat, post clarity had never been so fucking surreal nor had it ever garnered so much self loathing.
What had I done.
Later that day she messaged and asked me over where she gave me a hand written letter, front and back, tear stains and little hearts. In it written how beautiful it was, how much she loves me and how no-one can ever find out.
I felt physically sick.
What had I done.
We secretly moved in together and what followed was five years of a co-dependant relationship where she grew to hate me and I went progressively deeper into the abyss of porn.
In the interim my father passed away from cancer, I DUI'd and totalled into a young married couple, got arrested, went to a 'Stress clinic' and broke up with my girlfriend out of guilt. Quickly got back together and a few months later she mercifully broke up with me. I was just so weak. Maybe she just woke from being disillusioned, maybe she grew out of her naivety, maybe my addictions just followed their natural conclusion, maybe PTSD and tragedy got the better of me. She got a new boyfriend, I almost got a restraining order. (She withdrew the case in the judges chamber's on condition I NEVER contact her again) In short succession I slept with multiple partners, a few times while blackout drunk, a few one night stands and I left a wake of pain, regret, broken hearts and shame. All consensual.
Finally I tried to OD on sleeping pills, went back to the 'Stress clinic' and whilst there someone dear called and told me that to gain my life I had to give it away. Found religion or it found me, resigned from the Fire brigade.
Footnote~ The ex got married and became a mother sometime during, heard it through the grapevine.
She'll never have to see me again as per her wishes.
Learnt about NoFap {insert original post}
I moved a couple of states over, away from everything I had broken and everyone I'd hurt. Went on a journey, forgave myself, hated myself, loathed myself, forgave myself again, went on another journey. The whole time PMO and MO came and went.
Streaks came and went. Depression stayed and dark thoughts came back like a long lost friend but I kept on crawling towards the light, towards freedom.
FFW to now
I'm cold turkey from substances and on a 18 day streak. I've come to realise you can't run from this demon and this fight is worth fighting head on. PAWS or Post-accute Withdrawal Syndrome is real and even with my longer streaks I've only been kicking the can further and further down the road by occasionally binge relapsing.
I haven't been in a relationship nor have I had sex since the fallout. Real intimacy absolutely terrifies me and I suffer from anxiety and depressive episodes.
But there's hope!
I've been seeing a life coach, exercising and spending more time with friends and family, joined a men's prayer and accountability group. To go fast go alone, to go far go with others and I'm in it for the long haul.
The penny's dropped.
I can tell something has changed.
I'm coming back to life.
3 months ago I met a girl on a online dating platform, absolutely way out of my league, someone who's beautiful inside and out. I'll be meeting her for the first time this Friday and we'll be spending the weekend together, in a social setting.
I'm excited yet apprehensive. I don't want to place her on a pedestal but I want to treat her like a queen. We're only meeting and nothing intimate will happen, both of us want to wait until we're married be it with one another or someone else. But darn I'm excited. I want to hope again. I want to love and be loved.
I want to live again.
tl:dr

1. Porn can mess you up and the abyss is deeper than you can imagine.
   
2. Addiction is not about the substance but rather underlying behaviours and coping mechanisms.
   
3. Circumstances nor your past should determine your future.
   
4. There's alway's hope!
   

Here's a post of mine from 2017

I'm in.
Hard mode
Indefinitely
My goal is to regain, no find myself. PMO'ing since the age of 12. I'm 27 now. Fucked up my life. No more!
Today is one year after my attempted suicide. The catalyst was my girlfriend of five years leaving me and me screwing up my career as a firefighter. I was broken then and I'm still broken now. I blame PMO and porn in general. Insanity is repeating the same cycle and expecting a different result. Time to break this cycle.
^{How naiive I was}

Back story with context

I now know my addiction started with MO at the age of 5. I used to do that on a daily basis to self soothe and it didn't help that I discovered what can be done with an electric massager. See my parents got divorced the first time around about then, they remarried each other, only to get divorced again. Mom remarried a abusive alcoholic, moved to my absent father and verbally abusive stepmother, all this before turning 14. Looking back I can see I was neglected and found my own coping mechanisms. Smoking cigarettes, weed and alcohol since 13, other drugs soon followed at 16, whatever I could get my hands on. Opiates, hallucinogens, psychoactives, stimulants, depressants, inhalants if it could be abused chances are I would and have, fortunately not crack or needles, it blessedly somehow never crossed my path but the rest was fair game when it did and I was always on the prowl for something new or a quick fix.
Note all my compulsive and addictive behaviours were actively being pursued in some form or another throughout my story, I set the stage with the background but nothing I've done is justifiable.
At 19 I lost my virginity to a broken girl that was on average banging 4 guys a week, she literally had to take off her clothes and ask me whilst naked 'what am I waiting for?' I was so inept and socially awkward. After two hours of furiously boning because I couldn't finish, I snuck back to my room only to jerk off. I recall thinking to myself was that it? Was all the hype about that? Needles to say this girl went and 'cheated' on me after a week, left me a tad embittered.
At 21 I somehow got my first girlfriend, 18 straight out of school she had been raised by her grandparents because both her parents had tragically died in two separate freak accidents, she had proper traditional values, real wivey material. Wanted to wait for her big day. None of it mattered much to me as I started the process to groom her over the course of 3 months. I knew what I wanted and at 21 it certainly wasn't a wife. She was studying nursing and I was a firefighter, we were both renting, me with friends, her in a student commune. We started occasionally sleeping over at each other, very innocently at first just making out, cuddling and talking.(explicit)>! Progressively I moved towards groping and heavy petting. Until one morning after a house party at my place. I woke up with a boner and her snuggling up against me. I had had enough of waiting. I won't try to sugarcoat it or gloss over it or paint it pretty.!<
She said no.
More than once.
My mind went into that blank primal space of no return, the same space it would go with porn. I forced myself on-top of her and I raped her.
She took the sheets with to wash and made a hasty retreat, I went to work in a cold sweat, post clarity had never been so fucking surreal nor had it ever garnered so much self loathing.
What had I done.
Later that day she messaged and asked me over where she gave me a hand written letter, front and back, tear stains and hearts. In it written how beautiful it was, how much she loves me and how no-one can ever find out. I felt physically sick.
We moved in together and what followed was five years of a co-dependant relationship where she grew to hate me and I went progressively deeper into the abyss of porn. Maybe she just woke from being disillusioned, maybe she grew out of her naiivety and maybe my addictions just followed their natural conclusion, maybe PTSD and tragedy got the better of me.
In the interim my father passed away from cancer, I DUI'd and totalled into a young married couple, got arrested, went to a mental institute and broke up with my girlfriend. Got back together and she mercifully broke up with me. I was just so weak. She got a new boyfriend, I almost got a restraining order. (She withdrew the case in the judges chamber's on condition I NEVER contact her again) In short succession I slept with multiple partners, a few times while blackout drunk, a few one night stands and I left a wake of pain, regret, broken hearts and shame. All consensual.
Finally I tried to OD on sleeping pills, went back to the mental institute and whilst there someone dear called and told me that to gain my life I had to give it away. Found religion, resigned from the Fire brigade.
Footnote~ The ex got married and became a mother sometime during, heard it through the grapevine. She'll never have to see me again, that was her wish and one I will gladly grant.
Learn about NoFap {insert above post}
I fled a couple of states over, away from everything I had broken and everyone I'd hurt. Went on a journey, forgave myself, hated myself, loathed myself, forgave myself again, went on another journey. The whole time PMO and MO come and go.
Streaks came and went. Depression stayed and suicidal thoughts came back like a long lost friend.
FFW to now
I'm cold turkey from substances and on a 18 day streak. I've come to realise you can't run from this demon. PAWS or Post-accute Withdrawal Syndrome is real and even with my longer streaks I've only been kicking the can further and further down the road by occasionally binge relapsing.
I haven't been in a relationship nor have I had sex since the fallout. Real intimacy absolutely terrifies me and I suffer from anxiety and depressive episodes.
But there's hope, I hope
I've been seeing a life coach, exercising and spending more time with friends and family and I've joined a men's prayer and accountability group.
The penny's dropped.
I can tell something has changed.
I'm coming back to life.
3 months ago I met a girl on a online dating platform, absolutely way out of my league, someone who's beautiful inside and out. I'll be meeting her for the first time this Friday and we'll be spending the weekend together, in a social setting.
I'm excited yet apprehensive. I don't want to place her on a pedestal but I want to treat her like a queen. We're only meeting and nothing intimate will happen, both of us want to wait until we're married be it with one another or someone else. But darn I'm excited. I want to hope again. I want to love and be loved.
I want to live again.
tl:dr

1. Porn can mess you up and the abyss is deeper than you can imagine.
2. Addiction is not about the substance but rather underlying behaviours and coping mechanisms.
3. Circumstances nor your past should determine your future.
4. There's alway's hope!

Edit: If you are going to comment on the length of this post, please don't. This is not a simple snark but rather an actual critical think piece about feminism and Taylor Swift.

Introduction

Pertaining to Taylor Swift, "Female Rage" has deviated from its intended meaning after Swift debuted a new performance of The Tortured Poets Department during the Eras Tour. Now, according to Swift's use of the phrase, female rage is interpreted as public backlash against Swift's dating choices rather than as a response to the broader injustices against women and women's rights. This post examines Taylor Swift's flawed feminism, philanthropy, branding, and the controversial trademark petition for the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical". Swift's background as an entertainer, indeterminate politics, and alignment with capitalism over feminism pervades her legacy, again threatening her public tolerance as not just an individual but as a brand.

Once Upon a Female Rage...

If you were cognizant in the early 2010's, you've heard countless jabs at Taylor Swift in the media. Magazines, radio, or online. Music critics did not take her seriously as a songwriter; parents put a woman on an unrealistic pedestal as the ideal role model for their children; she dated too much and used men as lyrical fodder. No matter the story, it inevitably spread, conjoined with everyone's respective opinions, and you'd be left to wonder, "Why does everyone hate this girl so much?"
Taylor's target demographic has always been young or adolescent girls, more so when Swift herself was one. She made music that spoke to the awkward misfit, cultivating a para-social relationship with fans on MySpace, then later twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, where Taylor posted relatable vlogs showcasing the life of a homegrown American girl. Taylor had a delayed public "growing up" and, compared to her female pop contemporaries, Swift never "gratuitously sexualized her image and seems pathologically averse to controversy" (and, apparently, never even had a sip of alcohol until she turned 21). She was more than happy to spin this narrative to allude to an inherent moral superiority above other women in the industry (Better Than Revenge, heard of it?), engaging in the very slut-shaming that she herself endured (the Madonna and Whore archetypes). The victim complex arose with the need to prove Taylor as a different type of pop girl. Based upon her holy and clean image, Swift had been dubbed "a feminist's nightmare", and that "[To Swift] other girls are obstacles; undeserving enemies who steal Taylor’s soulmates with their bewitching good looks and sexual availability." Feminism and Tennessee-Christian country values don't exactly mix, it seems.
Years later, Swift befriended Lena Dunham and thus experienced white feminism osmosis, where Dunham taught Swift that real feminists defend rapists, makes insensitive jokes about rape and abortion, and prioritize all-white casts. Swift then declared herself a feminist in 2014, saying,

"Becoming friends with Lena – without her preaching to me, but just seeing why she believes what she believes, why she says what she says, why she stands for what she stands for – has made me realize that I’ve been taking a feminist stance without actually saying so."

I suppose the male-centric songwriting subject that permeates Swift's discography contained covert feminism and that we just didn't see that. Perhaps, the "Bad Blood" song and music video were written only in jest and not about poor Katy Perry, for Swift, as a feminist, would "never make it a girl fight" or tear other women down (though all Katy did was date your terrible ex-boyfriend and allegedly steal three backup dancers from your tour). In 2013, Swift said, in response to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's joke towards her serial dating, "There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."
There was that time in 2015 Taylor said that Nicki Minaj was "invited to any stage [she is] on" (as if Taylor expects to have access to every stage, award, and platform that Nicki might not otherwise have as a black female artist...yikes!) in response to Nicki's criticism of the white + thin VMA nominations. Later, Nicki responded with confusion, as Swift continued, "It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot..". Of course, this 'beef' was 'squashed' when Nicki performed with Taylor at the VMAs, with Nicki quite literally only having 38 seconds of stage time without Taylor. Maybe all that parading around with a legion of famous white women - similar to the way Taylor might've done with her numerous 1989-era handbags - was in fact a stance against gender inequality, and that this display of "girl power" should be enough to constitute Swift as a feminist icon.
Even while Swift says that Dunham informed her feminist outlook, she dances around the exact contents of those beliefs: "what she believes, what she says, what she stands for" is not exactly insightful towards what beliefs Swift might have inherited. Taylor never broaches women's rights topics such femicide, FGM, forced pregnancy & marriage, sex trafficking, women in slavery, women's financial and political oppression, women's educational rights, women's health, or women's autonomy, so we can assume she only gives a fuck about "girls supporting girls" (whatever that fucking means).
Despite some questionable (and sometimes vindictive) behavior, Taylor as a young woman did not deserve every media lashing that she received. We cannot deny that most headlines and criticisms perpetuated a misogynistic rhetoric which has plagued Swift for a majority of her career. Acknowledging events such as the development of her ED, her sexual assault trial, "Famous" lyric and MV depiction of Taylor, and the explicit Twitter deepfakes, for example, as both disgusting and unfortunate things that happened to a young woman in Hollywood does not negate the fact that Taylor is mostly a performative feminist.

Get Your Fucking Ass Up and Be a Philanthropist, It Seems Like Nobody Wants to Be a Philanthropist These Days

In 2013, Taylor Swift cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the Taylor Swift Education Center at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, Tennessee. The donation amount - $4 million - was the largest individual artist gift ever donated to the Country Music Hall of Fame, which is, of course, mentioned on Swift's website. The two-story facility features three classrooms, an instrument room, and an interactive children's exhibit gallery. Swift also performed at "All for the Hall" charity shows and has donated numerous artifacts from her career (such as notable guitars, tour costumes, etc) to the museum.
This was over 11 years ago, and it is still the only notable philanthropic contribution Taylor Swift has made.
For a woman of her net worth and stature, and a woman who recognizes the difficulties for women in film and music, you would think that Taylor Swift might establish a scholarship program for women to study the arts or something. Perhaps Swift might even consider becoming a member of organizations that support female artists, or one that supports LGBTQ+ causes (since she is now proudly an ally), yet she remains superficial with her graces. Broader philanthropy, such as donating relief aid to Palestinian women or women impacted by violence and discrimination will probably never receive any financial support from Miss Swift because then she'd be using her money towards philanthropies involving anyone but white entertainers.
She even says herself in Miss Americana, "My entire moral code as a kid and now is a need to be thought of as 'good'." Well, she's certainly thought of as good, though her actions say otherwise. She's more than happy to do a vaguely altruistic song and dance for a clip-worthy interview quote and mass appeasement, then fuck off to one of her mansions on a 20 minute private jet flight, rather than actually contribute to anything pertaining to the causes she has endorsed. Yet, far too many people continue to give a woman such as her their money, time, and energy, and she hoards these resources to herself.

I Like Some of the Taylor's Songs, But What the Fuck Does She Know About Feminism?

Swift continued with her self-proclaimed feminist campaign, positioning herself as a political activist and LGBTQ+ ally in the Miss Americana documentary. The primary focus of the documentary consists of the sexual assault trial, Andrea Swift's cancer diagnosis, Taylor's ED and body dysmorphia, media scrutiny, and, largely, finally speaking up about her politics publicly, mostly her opposition to the 2018 Tennessee Republican senate candidate, Marsha Blackburn, and Blackburn's beliefs. Swift says, following a scene discussing her experience during the trial,

"I just couldn't really stop thinking about it. And I just thought to myself, next time there is any opportunity to change anything, you had better know what you stand for and what you want to say."

We must ask ourselves, though: when has Swift ever spoken up to change anything? Okay, pulling her entire catalogue from Spotify because they didn't pay their artists enough and similarly pulling her catalogue from Apple Music are changes that she leveraged due to her revenue potential and power, but they are not pertinent to the average woman's rights. Moreover, these are issues that directly impacted Taylor's income, which was enough reason for her to protest in the first place. Swift has sold the most units for a female artist in first week sales, is the first female artist with 100k monthly Spotify listeners, is the first female artist to win the Album of the Year Grammy 4 times, and is the first female artist to do X, Y, and Z, all while being inoffensive and family-friendly to boot. The actual Taylor Swift seems unwilling to compromise the brand of Taylor Swift by contributing in meaningful ways to feminist causes, especially if it is for women outside of America and Hollywood.
The reason political anthems such as "The Man" and "Only the Young" of the Lover era feel disingenuous and corporate is because, well, it is. Taylor has taken every opportunity to advance her career or public image at the expense of other women. What is truly genuine to Taylor's outlook on other women is vying for male attention, taking down female competition, and vocalizing feminist injustices only if they directly impact her and her money. Some will argue that it's satisfactory for a woman with such a huge platform to even TALK about feminism, but that just isn't enough. It's even less impressive when you candidly look at the scope of her feminist lens: "If I was the man, then I'd be THE MAN", or "I really resent the ‘Be careful, buddy, she’s going to write a song about you’ angle, because it trivialises what I do", and, of course, "We all got crowns". Feminism, but only when it happens to me. It gets worse when you look at Taylor's track record of copying other famous women and removing other female artists as potential threats to her pop prowess.
It's good for PR to align yourself with certain blanket feminist and political beliefs, therefore good for branding, therefore good for ticketing and merchandise sales, therefore good for business. And Taylor Swift is a business.
She's not a feminist. Taylor Swift is a capitalist.

I Can't Pay Those Sweatshop Workers a Livable Wage or Benefits! How Else Would I Make My Billions?

Recently, Taylor's team filed to trademark the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical" after Taylor said during Paris N1 of the Eras Tour,

"So you were the first ones to see The Tortured Poets at the Eras Tour...or as I like to call it, 'Female Rage: The Musical'."

This trademark petition was filed last week on Saturday, and news comes about just as numerous unofficial fan-made merch designs have cropped up with this phrase plastered on Fruit of the Loom basics. I'm of the opinion Swift's team motioned for a trademark so that they can send out cease & desists to all those that make knockoff merch, which disrupts potential sales for Bravado, UMG's choice merchandising company; however, since it was filed earlier, perhaps Swift has bigger plans with the bizarre use of the gendered phrase. One Swiftie referred to the phrase "female rage" as "a funny Eras Tour joke". Could it be a possible fourth version of the Eras Tour Movie? Whatever the reason, the motion to capitalize off of such a concept is disgusting, but not unsurprising, for a woman that profits on her vain feminism.
Swift, through her company, TAS Rights Managements, has also trademarked over 200 phrases, including "1989", where she owns the property rights to this calendar year on keychains, phone cases, sunglasses, stationary, bags, beverage ware, clothing, entertainment services, your subconscious, and, of course, Christmas ornaments.
The vapid consumerism in Swiftie culture is, frankly, disgusting. Bravado's sustainability statement is non-existent, the quality control is abysmal, and the materials they use are horrible. The materials, such as acrylic and polyester, are made from petrochemicals. This means they are non-renewable, shed microplastics, and are quite toxic in production. The manufacturing process to make all of those lazy-rushed Eras Tour logo graphic tees is a huge blow to environmental well-being. Apparently, though, Swifties don't give a fuck. They sell out products in seconds and either have to face the manufactured scarcity or buy from a scalper that resells for 200% of the already ridiculous retail price. This doesn't include the environmental impact of vinyl records, CD, and cassette production, of which Taylor produces many variants that sell unsustainable amounts.
If we're talking about women's rights violations, why is no one acknowledging the women that work in the inhumane sweatshop conditions that have to pump out fugly t-shirts and hats? The millions of plastic microfiber dander they are inhaling, or the toxic dyes that touch their bare skin? Are they being compensated fairly for their skilled labour and are they in safe working environments? Do these women have minimal bargaining power, and do they have authority over their worker's rights? Is Taylor Swift female raging at their injustices? Does Taylor Swift ever feels bad that her wealth was built on the backs of women of color, disadvantaged by the demands of the global economy and garment industry? Do you think she ever says a little white feminist prayer for them before she goes to sleep at night?
What's even crazier is not that Taylor herself doesn't care, it's that Swifties don't care. There CANNOT BE ethical billionaires. You only make a billion dollars if you are exploiting other human beings for capital gain. Based on public perception of the possible "Female Rage: The Musical" trademark, it seems like Swifties are already asking for merch with this phrase. "If Taylor made it, I'd buy it." Oh, cool. So not only do you champion Miss Swift's avarice and billionaire status, but you also are unashamed to admit to your blind consumption of her music and merchandise, no matter where they might originate in production or sincerity. Just as Swift takes and takes and takes, Swifties' consumerism of Taylor Swift cannot be quelled.
The tortured artist's most vulnerable and sincere poetry...available now in 21 different versions!

I Am Tortured Poet, Hear Me Whinge

Look - even if Taylor's intention is to characterize TTPD as more "tortured" and "angry", the main thread of the album is "I was ghosted by my decade-long situationship with a controversial indie boy and my fucking stupid fans wrote a 'Speak Up Now' open letter prompting me to drop him" anger, which is adequately expressed in the lyrics and performances. The extent of Taylor's "female rage" on TTPD is on tracks such as "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?", which contends with relentless media scrutiny; "But Daddy I Love Him", where Swift firmly states she'll date whoever she likes no matter how "Sarahs and Hannahs" may react; and "The Albatross", a track mythologizing her reputation and the consequences of dating her. Of course, these coincide with deep psychological wounds that formed during Swift's early years in the media, and so, from her feminist perspective, these subjects tackle the misogyny and double standards that she faced.
Yet Taylor Swift still has no grounds to be claiming that TTPD best exemplifies female rage and therefore she, in the context of this album, is female rage incarnate. As the daughter of a stock broker and mutual fund marketing executive, Taylor was born into wealth and allowed privileges like trips and subsequent relocation to Nashville all so that she might get a record deal. Her father even invested at least $120,000 into the then-fledgling label, Big Machine Records, which ensured Taylor's place with Borchetta after leaving her dead-end development deal with Sony. The fact that her parents were able to buy her a fucking brand new guitar for Christmas and pay for music lessons says so much about the financial security and safety of her childhood.
Money is privilege and protection, and despite Swift's experiences with misogyny and loser boyfriends, she does not know what female rage is.
Her rage is derived from her frustrations with her obsessive fans pulling the moral superiority card on Taylor in response to her rebound with Matty Healy. That's literally it. She's just pissed that the monster she created is no longer obediant, it's become a feral, sovereign entity that depletes the world of its natural resources and thinks it is more intelligent than it actually is because it's mommy has started to talk to it with big words. Apparently, 'illicit', 'elegy', 'nonchalant', and 'precocious' are considerably big words for the oafish monster, and I find it strange that this level of literacy is present in a group of fans that allegedly have GPAs of 3.5 or higher, but I digress.
Taylor Swift has never been one paycheck away from destitution. Taylor Swift has never experienced racial discrimination. She may have instances of gender discrimination, but she possesses the ideal white, blonde American beauty standard and therefore reaps the benefits of being a conventionally attractive woman. Taylor Swift has sufficient social capital. Taylor Swift is a billionaire woman prolonging her victimhood though she, as a woman, has mostly had control over her image and music (unlike her contemporaries). Taylor Swift is NOT entitled to be championed for her "female rage", nor should she be. Taylor Swift has never even been the struggling artist, for fuck's sake. I don't give a fuck if she's trying to fill the empty lunch tables of her past. Taylor Swift purporting herself, her unpolished album, and her lukewarm feminism as a musical bleeding with female rage is asinine.

Sigh Try and Come For My Job, Poors

Out there in the world right now is a 23-year-old woman, a recent college grad, who works as a barista. She has to wake up and get ready to go into a minimum wage job because she cannot get a job in her field. She doesn't have healthcare benefits or sick time, so she has to go into work no matter how she's feeling. All day long she is berated by vicious customers and creepy men, and, exhausted from being on her feet, she knows she has to go home to her shitty roommate that never does the dishes and her roommate's shitty dog. To comfort herself, she considers getting a treat, but thinks against it when she remembers that matcha lattes cost $15 and they taste like milky dirt. She knows that she needs to buy groceries this week, and so the woman resolves to go home, but notices that her gas tank is low. She goes to put gas in the car, but the pump stops at $27.86 because that's all that she has in her checking account. The woman, bereft and reeling, sinks into the driver's seat. "Well," she thinks, her head in her hands, "at least I don't have Taylor Swift's job. I just couldn't imagine."
Fame is somewhat of a choice. If at any moment Taylor feels that she is misunderstood, misconstrued, or overwhelmed by public opinion, she can LEAVE the public eye - Lord knows she has the retirement fund and residuals to do so. In "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart", the TTPD song about meeting the demands of your career-zenith mega-tour while in the relationship trenches, Taylor ends the song by rambling,

"You know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart...you know you're good...and I'm good, cause I'm miserable, and no one even knows!...try and come for my job."

Yeah, obviously we wouldn't know, you recently passed the billionaire threshold and are the most famous and in-demand performer in the world right now. Taylor Swift makes an estimated $10 to $13 million dollars A NIGHT on the Eras Tour. Furthermore, the Eras Tour movie grossed $261.6 million globally, (which, as the producer, Taylor takes home 57% of the ticket sales) not counting the streaming revenue from Amazon Prime Video and the estimated $75 million deal that Disney paid to have it on Disney+. We're not even considering the income from cheap plastic popcorn buckets and drink cups plastered with colored squares in her Era-specific likeness.
It's funny. Taylor Swift often said that being famous wasn't hard, that she "isn't complaining". I'm sure it is difficult to always have to present in a good mood, else you'll end up misrepresented in the media, and I'm sure it's invasive to virtually have no privacy or semblance of anonymity. Still, Taylor Swift shows up each night of tour and performs. For a majority of her career, she has penned her sad songs while on the road. Most of "Red", her breakup album, was written in the thick of the Speak Now World tour. Now, some Swifties say they almost "feel bad" for attending the Eras Tour with Swift's revelations in this song, that they have had a 'dimmed experience' upon hearing Taylor's misery whilst performing. Despite the fact that Taylor said that "this was the happiest she's ever been" at Gilette Stadium in May, the lyrics "boohoo, woe is me, smile for the cameras and make the fans happy!!!" are jarring for Eras attendees.
While Taylor Swift was making double-digit millions a night in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and feeling miserable, Ana Clara Benevides Machado passed away due to heat exposure. The concert promoters, Time For Fun, are now the subject of a criminal investigation due to their lack of adequate hydration and safety. Taylor Swift cancelled the Sunday show that was to follow and offered VIP tent tickets to Benevides Marchado's family, which was a kind gesture, but perhaps incongruous to the incident of which they were offered as consolation. Everyone grieves differently, of course, but I'm not sure attending the very show at the very same venue that my daughter or sister passed away in two days prior, where the singer CONTINUED the show despite her death, would be healthy for closure.
There was no female rage at the show as Swift never saw Benevides Machado pass out. There was no female rage towards the disregard for fans as humans while Swift elected to proceed with her Brazil tour dates despite the country being in historic heatwaves (at risk of overheatting herself). If Taylor Swift was so shaken by touring with a broken heart or a fan's passing, she wouldn't have added an additional North American leg of Eras just two months after the Matty breakup. She's brokenhearted but willing to mend the cracks with your money and move onward with her worldwide female rage induced pillaging.
No matter what happens, even if you die at a Taylor Swift concert, Taylor collects a big fat check and flies away. She doesn't know you as anything other than a conversion rate or earning potential despite what her nearly 20-year long parasocial relationship with fans might otherwise indicate. She knows that, while some Swifties are without disposable income, they feel obligated to spend on a "48 Hours Only!" exclusive vinyl variant instead of necessities because they are so entrenched in Taylor Swift's intoxicating celebrity, they'll prioritize materialistic fandom before their needs. This is good enough for her because this means she can expand her real estate portfolio and finance her cat's lavish lifestyles. They're worth an estimated $100 million dollars. Her three cats could pool their net worth and solve world hunger.
While you and I might be denied bereavement leave and barely surviving the current political and economic climate, Taylor Swift has to, instead of gets to, perform for stadiums at full attendance for three nights in a row across the globe. You and I might be replaced by AI at our longtime jobs, but Taylor Swift is threatened with losing more and more money each time you listen to a "Stolen Version" of her songs. If we don't buy every variant of all of her albums, then who is going to pay for the fucking cats?
It is tone deaf to spend as she spends and lives as she lives in this economy, but this is her reality. She was able to donate $100,000 to all of her tour truck drivers, and that's wonderful, but it leads me to wonder about the ethos of the 2020s where one woman can hoard such life-changing amounts of money. Remember in 2014 when she gave a fan $90 ($120 in today's money) to get Chipotle because she had no fucking clue how much it cost? This is a 34-year-old woman who is increasingly out of touch with the reality for working class people and women in general. Normal everyday adults must wake up and go to their thankless jobs, and yet Taylor Swift, despite all her riches, incessantly references the lows of her life and career as a public figure and entertainer to farm sympathy and drive sales. And still, the corporate women have latched onto "I cry a lot, but I am so productive! It's an art!" as their cubicle battle cry.
Do you think that, from up in her private jet, Taylor Swift gazes at the world through her poetic, tortured eyes, and thinks, "All the little people, in their cars, walking, going about their lives...all those girls that don't support girls...do they know that I've made an album about female rage?"

Conclusion/TLDR

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your critical insights towards this entire ordeal: TTPD, the trademark, the implications of it all.
TLDR: Taylor Swift is a bad feminist and is delusional to think that the TTPD eras set exemplifies female rage at women's injustice.

I am 34 years old . Back story my child grew up in a family where me the mother has full custody of child and his dad has just visitations. I lived with my mom and stepdad because moving out didn't seem logical with my work schedule and my mom pushed to keep us there anyways. She did not want me moving in fact every time I got serious in a relationship she always pushed for my partner to move into her house also. Well My son is 7 now I met a great guy and he has a son in the next state over. We are a year into my relationship and my mother has done everything to ruin my relationship with him. Has sent me letters in the mail saying she's a past friend of his ex girlfriend and to get out of the relationship she has brainwashed my kid to state that his son is spoiled rotten and that my boyfriend is an "asshole" At this point my mom and I are not close whatsoever but my bf has decided that it is best that we just stay friends because my mother and my son have now made his life a living hell and he can't live with this anxiety anymore. We still talk daily on a friend level but my plan was to get a place in his state. I am close with his family and they have taken over the role of what family really means to me. Sadly my child is still going to school in the town my mother lives in till June. I am still in love with this guy and his son and I don't want to lose either one of them but my priority is my son. Hes had difficulty in school since Kindergarten he lashes out and has some anger management. I am on a waitlist for him to be seen by a therapist out in a town closer to where my plan is to live. Do I still move to the next state over and try to better my life and my Childs or do I just move on and keep dealing with the anxiety of being here with my mother. I tell her no and she does the opposite - he wants a cookie okay you can have a cookie I say no mind you my son is 7 and 130 lbs. She will go out of her way to give him the cookie he wants. Whether it's the next day when im not there or she whispers for him to go into the next room for him to get it. I don't have any control over my life or my sons life I feel like im fighting against life at this point. Please I would like to hear your input on both the relationship portion and the moving.

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sink, sir, sister, sit, site, situation, six, size, ski, skill, skin, skirt, sky, slave, sleep, slice, slide, slight, slightly, slip, slow, slowly, small, smart, smell, smile, smoke, smooth, snap, snow, so, so-called, soccer, social, society, soft, software, soil, solar, soldier, sole, solid, solution, solve, some, somebody, somehow, someone, something, sometimes, somewhat, somewhere, son, song, soon, sophisticated, sorry, sort, soul, sound, soup, source, south, southern, Soviet, space, Spanish, speak, speaker, special, specialist, species, specific, specifically, specify, speech, speed, spend, spending, spin, spirit, spiritual, split, spoil, sponsor, sport, spot, spray, spread, spring, square, squeeze, stability, stable, staff, stage, stain, stair, stake, stand, standard, standing, star, stare, start, state, statement, station, statistical, status, stay, steady, steal, steel, steep, stem, step, stick, still, stimulate, stimulus, stir, stock, stomach, stone, stop, storage, store, storm, story, straight, strange, stranger, strategic, strategy, stream, street, strength, strengthen, stress, stretch, strike, string, strip, stroke, strong, strongly, structural, structure, struggle, student, studio, study, stuff, stupid, style, subject, submit, subsequent, substance, substantial, substitute, succeed, success, successful, successfully, such, sudden, suddenly, sue, suffer, sufficient, sugar, suggest, suggestion, suicide, suit, summer, summit, sun, super, supply, support, supporter, suppose, supposed, Supreme, sure, surely, surface, surgery, surprise, surprised, surprising, surprisingly, surround, survey, survival, survive, survivor, suspect, sustain, swear, sweep, sweet, swim, swing, switch, symbol, symptom, system, table, tactic, tail, take, tale, talent, talk, tall, tank, tap, tape, target, task, taste, tax, taxi, tea, teach, teacher, teaching, team, tear, technical, technique, technology, teen, teenager, telephone, telescope, television, tell, temperature, 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weather, web, website, wedding, week, weekend, weekly, weigh, weight, welcome, welfare, well, west, western, wet, what, whatever, wheel, when, whenever, where, whereas, whether, which, while, whisper, white, who, whole, whom, whose, why, wide, widely, widespread, wife, wild, wildlife, will, willing, win, wind, window, wine, wing, winner, winter, wipe, wire, wisdom, wise, wish, with, withdraw, within, without, witness, woman, wonder, wonderful, wood, wooden, word, work, worker, working, workout, workplace, works, workshop, world, worried, worry, worth, would, wound, wrap, write, writer, writing, wrong, yard, yeah, year, yell, yellow, yes, yesterday, yet, yield, you, young, your, yours, yourself, youth, zone.

Oh how sad I am. I've been planning this escape for years. And now that I'm finally here, with one more night on my... not-really-a-bed, just a... mat-on-the-floor with blanket and pillows...
I sob. Sob and cry and wonder why I feel all this pain. I'm the one who wanted to escape. To live my life to the fullest. To do all the things I love. To draw and sing, to wear my hair down and bake, to make friends and wear cute dresses, to have cats and be with the man I love and oh gosh how lucky I am that he loves me dearly and wants the best for me. He and his mum supported me so so much. My friend too. They are my chosen family.
But... why am I feeling so horribly sad...? Its because I'll never see my parents or siblings again. I feel so bad for my mum because she allows people to use her and by that I mean she does everything for my grown ass siblings. And my extended family all use her a lot too.
About my mum.
Sadly, shes religious. Prays constantly. Always telling us to pray. Donates money to needy. Forced me to pay zakkah. Buys counters to constantly recite, it's like digital tasbeehs and stuff to use wherever without looking or counting. You just press and then you get your number on a screen. She takes care of her mum sometimes. Often cooks for her. She often watches her sisters kids because her sister, my aunt... is ever so social and kinda just expects my mum to baby sit them. My mum cooks almost every day. Usually every other day because my dad refuses to eat old food. And when I say cook I dont mean something easy like whip up a pasta. I mean dishes that take at least more than 2 hours to cook. Mind you though, hes a chef and does cook sometimes in the house. But since he works he expects mum to cook and honestly if I were a man, I'd want that too. To come home from work to good food. Anyway...
I have siblings. One of which is a piece of good for nothing shit. Uses and abuses mum psychologically. For real. It's so sad. And mum enables this shit because she believes it's not actually my siblings behaviour. It's apparently a ghost. My other siblings are not of legal age yet. I will miss them terribly. They... will have to grow up a lot. Mum does a lot for them. Cooking. Cleaning. Honestly, I dont cook because mum does it. Nor clean. I avoided being with mum and basically without realising it, did that rock technique with her. Where I basically diffuse the conversation and stuff because I hate talking about Islam and just avoid being around her and stuff. I forgot what the technique is actually called.
I love her. Even if I'm sure her love for me is conditional. I wish to keep contact with her. But I worry about her health. Diabetes and general pressure issues. If she dies, my dad wont be able to take care of my siblings. My dad will cook for them and teach them how to travel to school and stuff. But besides that, he wont know about their medical conditions or history, he cant speak much English just some. He is smart but also not really? It's weird.
Mg siblings and mum is who I worry for most. The two siblings who arent over 18 yet. I dont care for the other one because they ruined my life and became such a horrible person. I get some of it is mental health issues so they need help but I'm speaking very specifically of their character before all this began.
Anyway. I escape tomorrow. Today is technically my last day ever with my family. I do love them. I wish to text or call them from time to time but I do think a period of no contact may be necessary for both them and myself to kind of... let this choice I made sink in. I've bought games for my younger siblings where we can chat and hopefully they keep this private. I do believe that they may understand me when they reach a certain age and be more accepting than my parents.
In my letter, I'm not sure if I should say I left because I wanted to live my life or because "God guided me" and play that card. I'm semi atheist. Sometimes I believe in God and other times I dont. Right now km not really sure what I am so I say semi atheist. I will cry and cry and cry after I've made it to my partner. He and his mum will hold me close and tell me I'm safe and loved and deserve to choose the life I want. I have support. We are gonna do so many things together that we couldn't before!
I'm an artist. In so many ways. I had to hide my art with my family. With my partner, he wanted them all displayed. For Christmas, I drew portraits, more like fantasy portraits of him and his mum and his cat. They still have it displayed in their house. It warms my heart. I draw, sew, sculpt with clay, paint sometimes, do traditional pencils drawings with colour and without, digital art, pixel art for working on my game, make plushies and I plan to sew my own dresses, I like styling my hair although my hair is pretty damaged sadly, no not with heat products, more of just unhealthy hair. What else...? I just love making things with paper like water fall cards and spinning cards and pop up books. When I confessed to my partner, at the time he couldn't be with me because he wanted to make sure he was ready, I made him a well designed pop up book. It had stuff we liked, camping, gaming, sleeping, loads of pop up and sliding elements. Then on our 1st anniversary, I made him an explosion box. He was absolutely in shock as he opened it over Skype. I plan to make an even better gift for next time. For Christmas he attempted something similar, he is very creative too. He made me a book of himself. Like a little toy for my to hold around with funny comments and his cat kinda touring me through his weak knee joints Haha and his heart which loves me 100% and his little nose which if I boop, doesnt do anything, nor the the little mole he has on his face. All these drawings and details, I love it so much.
Why did I write all that... I'm trying to cope right now. I want encouragement. I'm scared. But I know I have to do this. I dont want to cry or be sad. I wanna be happy because I have this opportunity to run away move out and be free. I've saved and saved enough for at least a few years. But I'll be getting a job in the new country after I learn the language officially. By going to school to learn the language I'll keep myself occupied and busy. At my partners house we will be playing games ans cuddling and making Lego stuff and drawing and going for walks and watching films so I know I'll be happy.
I just also know I'll wonder how my family are and worry those thoughts will eat into my happy time. I dont know how to go about this.
Please... I wanna move out on happy terms. I deserve to live. To think 7 years ago I was going to take my life because I prayed constantly to God and he didnt seem to reply to it... and then I became an ex Muslim and found a new friend and then a another one of which who became my partner... I never would have believed if someone told me, hey in some years you'll move away from your family have a loving boyfriend and be free from religion. I'd have slapped them maybe and said shut up you liar. Get lost.
But here I am. I didnt take my life. I won. And I'm gonna win again tomorrow when I take that plane. I'm just sad about missing my family. Even if they were unpleasant at times. I still love them.
But I deserve to live my own life. I can do this. One more night on my not so very comfy floor bed.
Paper Blackstar
I will never post from this account again. For updates on my situation, possibly a tutorial of how I escape, please see my other account, The Paper Blackstar. It has one post saying that it's me, and in the comments a mod confirmed.

Tldr at the bottom.
Before I start for context, I want to say this girl and i had mutual crushes on each other in middle school and high school.
So here's the deal, I recently ( a few weeks ago) sent this girl from high school a message trying to reach out.
I figured she'd never respond but did so anyways, hoping she might one day.
She wound up seeing my message and got back to me.
We've been talking for about a week now, and she's asked me all sorts of personal questions.
I mentioned to her that I was just going to leave a love letter in her inbox and never expected her to respond to me or read the note at all.
She asked me what it would have said, and I went into detail about how I've felt for her and why I disappeared from school.
I told her all about how I turned my life around and gave her all these personal details about life during and after school and what state im living in, I got my own apartment and a good job and everything.
I start asking her about personal info, but she gets weird about it and gives kinda secretive/avoident/cryptic answers.
I've given her a photo of me (a few days ago), I've left her voice messages, short videos of me talking to her and everything, but she never wants to go beyond texting.
She says she's gone through all these difficult life events since high school, which was sent to me in a somewhat long, very personal text, but quickly wound up deleting it.
She opens up a bit here and there, but she also takes hours to respond between messages.
She says she's busy doing her own thing, which I won't say what it is, but it could possibly eat up a lot of her time.
She's very nice and likes to be proper and is very supportive and encouraging in her texts.
I've tried to ask her if she'd be willing to send me a picture or a voice clip or a video, but she always chooses text.
I'm not being weird. I'm just light flirting at first and then just actual conversation asking things to get to know her because I am genuinely interested in getting to know her.
She says basically, "That's too personal right now," and will still respond but avoid questions like the plague sometimes.
Again, she will revisit old questions, but it feels like I'm picking teeth to her a regular, normal length conversation with her.
It's a little painful tbh, I wonder if she's mad at me, if she has a boyfriend or husband, if she's on the street, if she is genuinely busy, if she's ok...
I've asked her before a couple of times why she takes so long to reply, and she says cause she's busy.
Can someone really be this busy all the time every day?
She tells me she tries to be free on the weekends but does work on "projects"
She told me that she's "not promised to anyone," nor has she been "blessed with kids"
I live a good life and tried to impress her with the things I have and my lifestyle (in a nondouchey way), I tried opening myself up to her expressing genuine feelings of joy, love, interest but she just keeps distance.
I asked a mutual friend what he remembers of her from high school, and I guess she's always been like this.
She had a wall between herself and everyone else.
It's just so confusing. Why is she being nice to me?
Why is she responding to me when she could just ghost me?
Why does she talk to me and want to be supportive and tell me things like "I'm rooting for you in life" and "I know you can get where you're going if you keep on the same path" but at the same time, not want to make a call or send a video or a private photo so I can see her?
I asked for her photo in her messenger, and she updated her profile picture, which she hasn't done since high school in about 10 years!
She asks me why I sent and deleted messages and asks me what I sent her, but she doesn't have the time to message me to see them.
Is she manipulating me/stringing me along/keeping me on ice?
What's the endgame?
Where will this lead?
What's going on?
I feel like she's either not being direct, not respecting me, or there's something going on that's preventing her from being transparent with me like I've been with her.
What's the best thing for me to do in order to turn this uncomfortable situation into a more favorable one?
At least in terms of having an honest and open conversation with an old crush that I genuinely want to know more about?
One friend says patience is key with this girl.
Will she end up ghosting me or stop responding one day?
Is this normal?
Do I have a chance, and I'm screwing things up?
Is this salvageable, or is she just being a friend? (Big gulp)
Im trying to keep things light and casual because we both live in different states now but it kinda sucks how she's acting like she's being supportive but at the same time, she isn't being upfront with me.
Can anyone give some insight or maybe share a similar situation and tell me how it went or what was going on when you finally met the person?
Should I just take a chill pill and let things happen naturally?
Tldr: I recently got into contact with an old middle/ high school crush. Things are taking their course, but she's secretive while I'm transparent. She disappears for hours and comes back, claiming to be busy. I'm not sure why she's making time for me but also acting sort of distant. Thoughts, please.
EFIT: Thanks for the responses, guys. It's late, and I love the feedback. Please be honest and keep the messages coming if you care at all. I want to practice more self-love, and this back and forth with her was probably just bad timing. If she asks me any more questions, then maybe I'll tell her that I will share if she wants to share and leave it at that. I hope that's an appropriate response again. Thank you all for your comments. They mean a lot to me ❤️

hi y'all!!! I just had a high rant w/ my boyfriend (spoiler free for him since he's just an anime watcher) over who I thought had the saddest lore and made a lil diagram to demonstrate my observations. I used an obvious color palette to indicate who and correlated it w/ the first letter of their names but lemme know if there's any confusion, and what your rankings are! From least painful (LP) to most painful (MP): Mitsuri, Rengoku, Shinobu, Tengen, Giyuu, Gyomei, Sanemi, Muichiro, Obanai. Although looking at the chart now, I'd definitely consider swapping Shinobu and Tengen, and Giyuu and Sanemi. Still, lemme know your thoughts!

Welcome to a new feature at OhNoConsequences that I just made up, where we revisit the very consequences-heavy stories from the past.

The readers of Ask A Manager were inflamed in 2017, when a young woman complained that she couldn't get a job. All because someone she "probably" bullied threatened to quit if the bully were hired. Did she learn anything from this?
I didn't get a job because I was a bully in high school
Originally posted April 25, 2017
I’ve been trying to break into a niche industry (30-40 jobs in a city with a population of 3 million) for a while now. I’m in my late 20s, and though it took me some time to decide what I wanted to do with my life, I have finished my degree and completed two internships. I’m working part-time in a related field and freelancing while searching for a full-time job in the niche industry. I’m willing to move for the right job, but I’d rather stay close to home — so I was stoked last summer when I got an interview for one of the very few entry-level jobs available in my city! I ultimately didn’t get it, but the interview went well enough they encouraged me to apply the next time they had an opening.
Then an acquaintance who works at the company called me up and asked if I wanted to get coffee. I figured she’d offer me tips on how to do better next time. Instead, she told me to give up on ever being hired there — turns out, a girl I had gone to high school with is a real rock star at this company, and she threatened to resign when it looked like I was about to be offered a job. (I hadn’t realized it was her because her married name is different.) I’ll be honest — I wasn’t a very nice person back then, and I probably was pretty awful to this girl. I looked my former classmate up, and her resume really is incredible. She graduated from college early and has awards people who’ve worked in our industry twice as long haven’t won. Her public-facing work is top-notch. I’m guessing she’s the kind of employee a manager wants to keep around.
My acquaintance’s prediction appears to be true: I didn’t get an interview for a new position at the company that would’ve been an even better fit than the one I’d interviewed for. When I asked why, I was told a staffer had raised some concerns and the company would not be moving forward with my candidacy. I’m heartbroken. I worked so hard for so long to get the training required for this type of work, and I don’t think I deserve to be blacklisted for something I said when I was 17. I have my former classmate’s work email. Should I beg for forgiveness?
Alison from Ask A Manager cautioned the author to make any apology sincere, if she did make an apology.
Did the letter writer make an apology? Did she make any attempt to be accountable for the consequences of her actions? Read on, there was an update:
Update: i didn't get a job because I was a bully in high school
Originally posted December 13, 2017.
I know you didn’t solicit an update, but I felt compelled to send one. I’d written you in the spring because I was having trouble breaking into a niche industry in which a high school classmate I’d bullied was a rock star. I wanted to know if you thought apologizing would help me get a job.
At the advice of your readers, I did delete the draft of an apology email I’d had sitting in my inbox for some time. I applied for one more job with Rock Star’s company, and when I didn’t hear back, I decided it was really and truly time to look elsewhere. I found a shop in a town seven hours away that was desperate to hire someone for a paid 9-month fellowship that started in June because the candidate they’d originally extended an offer to found a full-time, permanent position. I said goodbye to my boyfriend, packed up my car and two cats, and drove to a town I’d never been to.
And I hated it. Not the work. I actually loved the work, but the town sucked. Being away from my boyfriend and my family sucked. Not being able to make friends sucked (everyone else my age was married with two kids already). I called my boyfriend every night crying. He was supposed to come visit me over Labor Day but cancelled at the last minute because he had to work. Seeing how bummed I was, a coworker offered to swap shifts with me so I could make the trip home for the long weekend. I hopped into my car after work on Friday and drove all evening, arriving at the place I’d been sharing with my boyfriend before I moved a little after 1 a.m. Well, you probably know where this was going. He was cheating on me. I was devastated. I spent the rest of the night sobbing on my sister’s couch and drove back to where I was working the next morning.
Except I couldn’t make myself get out of bed on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or Thursday. I was fired after my third no call no show.
I tried to get the part-time job I’d had before moving for the fellowship back (they’d said come back anytime), but they’d found someone who was faster and more efficient than I’d been. Unable to afford a place on my own, I had to move back in with my parents. Not sure what else to do, I sent another desperate application to Rock Star’s shop. In an effort to cheer me up, my sister and my friends took me out for a nice dinner for my birthday at the end of September. This is where it goes from bad to worse. I drank too much wine at dinner and got pretty weepy. I excused myself from the table to try to put myself together … and ran into Rock Star and her husband celebrating their anniversary on the way to the bathroom.
I ended up yelling/crying at her that she’d ruined my life. I was asked to leave to leave and told I wasn’t welcome back.
That was Saturday night. I spent Sunday hungover in bed, trying to figure out how to clean up the mess I made. On Monday morning, Rock Star’s manager (the one hiring for the job I’d applied for) emailed me to let me know I’d been removed from the candidate pool. She advised me that I would not be considered for future positions at their shop … or any other in the network. That afternoon, without mentioning me or what happened at the restaurant over the weekend, Rock Star tweeted a long thread about how she’d been bullied in high school and she wishes teenagers would realize that high school ends and it does get better. She also tweeted out links to local mental health resources and the National Suicide hotline that were liked/retweeted many, many times.
So, just to recap, no job, no boyfriend, no money, no hope of ever breaking into the industry I spent five years preparing to enter. It’s hard not to feel like some of this is Rock Star’s fault, especially given how she rubbed salt in the wound after my whole world had come crashing down.
TL:DR Bully has not gained much maturity or insight into her behavior since high school, confronts the Rock Star in a restaurant, then thinks Rock Star bullied her. Where do you think the Bully is now? Asking if you want fries with that?

Reminder that I am not the OOP

Greetings! I'm a guy on the lookout for someone with the potential to become my boyfriend, but let's start as best friends, keeping things strictly SFW. But I am going to ask you that from the start, we both take things seriously, I am not playing here.
What I'm Seeking: I'm searching for a handsome, skinny or average-built, masculine man with a great personality. Let's take the time to get acquainted and see where it leads. Age range: 18 to 25. Could that be you?
About Me: I consider myself more on the masculine side, characterized by love, care, kindness, support, and sensitivity. Writing love letters is a favorite pastime of mine. I value compromise and commitment, and once I fall in love, my loyalty is unwavering.
Physical Description: I have hazel eyes, short dark blonde hair, and an average build. You can also find a picture of me in my profile, along with a heartfelt letter to my future boyfriend, whoever that may be.
Shared Activities: Imagine us making voice and video calls, watching movies, enjoying music together. If this sounds appealing and you fit the description I've given, don't hesitate to send a message. If you don't match what I'm looking for, I'd recommend against it to avoid wasting your time. Thanks, and I'm looking forward to connecting with you all in my DMs.
I'm determined to achieve that success story flair one day! Help me make it a reality!

Greetings! I'm a guy on the lookout for someone with the potential to become my boyfriend, but let's start as best friends, keeping things strictly SFW. But I am going to ask you that from the start, we both take things seriously, I am not playing here.
What I'm Seeking: I'm searching for a handsome, skinny or average-built, masculine man with a great personality. Let's take the time to get acquainted and see where it leads. Age range: 18 to 25. Could that be you?
About Me: I consider myself more on the masculine side, characterized by love, care, kindness, support, and sensitivity. Writing love letters is a favorite pastime of mine. I value compromise and commitment, and once I fall in love, my loyalty is unwavering.
Physical Description: I have hazel eyes, short dark blonde hair, and an average build. You can also find a picture of me in my profile, along with a heartfelt letter to my future boyfriend, whoever that may be.
Shared Activities: Imagine us making voice and video calls, watching movies, enjoying music together. If this sounds appealing and you fit the description I've given, don't hesitate to send a message. If you don't match what I'm looking for, I'd recommend against it to avoid wasting your time. Thanks, and I'm looking forward to connecting with you all in my DMs.
I'm determined to achieve that success story flair one day! Help me make it a reality!

Greetings! I'm a guy on the lookout for someone with the potential to become my boyfriend, but let's start as best friends, keeping things strictly SFW. But I am going to ask you that from the start, we both take things seriously, I am not playing here.
What I'm Seeking: I'm searching for a handsome, skinny or average-built, masculine man with a great personality. Let's take the time to get acquainted and see where it leads. Age range: 18 to 25. Could that be you?
About Me: I consider myself more on the masculine side, characterized by love, care, kindness, support, and sensitivity. Writing love letters is a favorite pastime of mine. I value compromise and commitment, and once I fall in love, my loyalty is unwavering.
Physical Description: I have hazel eyes, short dark blonde hair, and an average build. You can also find a picture of me in my profile, along with a heartfelt letter to my future boyfriend, whoever that may be.
Shared Activities: Imagine us making voice and video calls, watching movies, enjoying music together. If this sounds appealing and you fit the description I've given, don't hesitate to send a message. If you don't match what I'm looking for, I'd recommend against it to avoid wasting your time. Thanks, and I'm looking forward to connecting with you all in my DMs.
I'm determined to achieve that success story flair one day! Help me make it a reality!

Greetings! I'm a guy on the lookout for someone with the potential to become my boyfriend, but let's start as best friends, keeping things strictly SFW. But I am going to ask you that from the start, we both take things seriously, I am not playing here.
What I'm Seeking: I'm searching for a handsome, skinny or average-built, masculine man with a great personality. Let's take the time to get acquainted and see where it leads. Age range: 18 to 25. Could that be you?
About Me: I consider myself more on the masculine side, characterized by love, care, kindness, support, and sensitivity. Writing love letters is a favorite pastime of mine. I value compromise and commitment, and once I fall in love, my loyalty is unwavering.
Physical Description: I have hazel eyes, short dark blonde hair, and an average build. You can also find a picture of me in my profile, along with a heartfelt letter to my future boyfriend, whoever that may be.
Shared Activities: Imagine us making voice and video calls, watching movies, enjoying music together. If this sounds appealing and you fit the description I've given, don't hesitate to send a message. If you don't match what I'm looking for, I'd recommend against it to avoid wasting your time. Thanks, and I'm looking forward to connecting with you all in my DMs.
I'm determined to achieve that success story flair one day! Help me make it a reality!

Greetings! I'm a guy on the lookout for someone with the potential to become my boyfriend, but let's start as best friends, keeping things strictly SFW. But I am going to ask you that from the start, we both take things seriously, I am not playing here.
What I'm Seeking: I'm searching for a handsome, skinny or average-built, masculine man with a great personality. Let's take the time to get acquainted and see where it leads. Age range: 18 to 25. Could that be you?
About Me: I consider myself more on the masculine side, characterized by love, care, kindness, support, and sensitivity. Writing love letters is a favorite pastime of mine. I value compromise and commitment, and once I fall in love, my loyalty is unwavering.
Physical Description: I have hazel eyes, short dark blonde hair, and an average build. You can also find a picture of me in my profile, along with a heartfelt letter to my future boyfriend, whoever that may be.
Shared Activities: Imagine us making voice and video calls, watching movies, enjoying music together. If this sounds appealing and you fit the description I've given, don't hesitate to send a message. If you don't match what I'm looking for, I'd recommend against it to avoid wasting your time. Thanks, and I'm looking forward to connecting with you all in my DMs.
I'm determined to achieve that success story flair one day! Help me make it a reality!

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you, M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them, "He didn't do anything wrong. "... once my supervisor left, JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point, I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other women, and they wrongfully accused you as well under hypnosis.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor, and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you, M&M. He destroyed every memory of us and every picture. He destroyed "US."
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis, he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self-esteem and worth even more so. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex-husband. Relationships I would have never entered, but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me, he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him, etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout, and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally. PHD etc.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much that I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you, but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that, at least.

There's a lot more, but that would be longer, and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. I'm just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you, M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them, "He didn't do anything wrong. "... once my supervisor left, JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point, I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other women, and they wrongfully accused you as well under hypnosis.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor, and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you, M&M. He destroyed every memory of us and every picture. He destroyed "US."
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis, he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self-esteem and worth even more so. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex-husband. Relationships I would have never entered, but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me, he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him, etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout, and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally. PHD etc.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much that I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you, but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that, at least.

There's a lot more, but that would be longer, and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. I'm just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.