Race Information

• Name: Vermont City Marathon
• Date: May 26, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Burlington, VT
• Website: https://www.runvermont.org/
• Age: 35M
• Time: 3:26:22

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	Sub-3:20	No
B	Sub-3:30	Yes
C	Finish	Yes

Splits

13.1 splits	Time
1	1:43:20
2	1:43:02

Ancient History

Growing up, I was always pretty active and started running in High School. Going into my Junior year, I began to take running much more seriously and made steady progress with a 5K PR of 17:06 at the State meet. Going into my Senior year, I had been training 6 days a week with the team and hitting 40-60 miles a week consistently with hopes of going low 16's by the end of the XC season. Then, disaster. Pain in my quads was getting worse and worse until a bone scan finally revealed bilateral femoral stress fractures - one midway along the midline of each femur. I was devastated, and completely stopped running from August until February. By then, it seemed like things were getting better and I was able to put in some good miles for the spring Track season. I was always a better mid-distance runner, and was able to snag a few PRs of 2:00 in the 800m (agony, 1s off) and 4:35 in the 1600m. By that point I was basically over running, completely burned out and sick of running.
10 years later...
I wake up one morning in April of 2017 to take a shower and realize that I have no temperature sensation in my right leg whatsoever. I'm now finishing grad school, I've moved across the country, first kid on the way and due in a matter of weeks. I'm not working out much at this point, maybe running every few months at best. Stress is high. I go to urgent care and the last 6 months of subtle pins and needles on the left side of my face and the occasional double vision start to make a lot more sense. Multiple Sclerosis. It's not a death sentence, but I felt like the world was ending. My kid was due in 4 weeks and now my future was completely uncertain. A month or two, an MRI and one spinal tap later and the diagnosis is confirmed.

Training

Fortunately, new medicines have made MS much more manageable and I was lucky to have a great medical team. Perhaps the most important thing to keep the disease in check beyond highly potent immunosuppressants is regular exercise. Time to start running again.
Starting out was rough, but within a few weeks I was able to feel ok running 15-20 miles a week in the 8-10 min/mile range. I keep that up consistently for a year or so and run my first 10K with a time of 44:42, which I was pretty proud of at the time. Things are going well for a while, second kid is on the way, my MS seems mostly stable, albeit leaving me with some permanent loss of function of my left leg (these gait issues will come up later), pins and needles in my right leg, and fatigue. Then COVID hits. Now I'm at home, with much more time. I increase my mileage a bit, now running 20-30 miles a week but not really following any particular plan or anything. Move across country, keep running when I can.
Mid-2023 I decided to finally take it up a level. I was mostly using the Garmin Daily Workouts at this point and running consistently 30 miles a week. I decided to run my first half-marathon, just as a virtual training run, and felt pretty good about my time with an 8:24/mi average pace. Going into fall, I juggled some illnesses but kept running. Unfortunately around November I started to develop Sesamoiditis and had to really limit my running to 35-40 miles per week. I ran a Christmas 5K with a time of 19:14, which felt pretty good, but was still dealing with the Sesamoid issue.
Over time, the Sesamoid started to resolve but I would occasionally feel some twinges in my right Adductor. Nevertheless, I felt like the time was now to try for my first Marathon. Around February, I finally committed and decided to do the Pfitz 12/55 plan. I had been consistently in the 35-40 range for a few months, so felt like I had a decent base. At first, I found the plan quite difficult to deal with. It was the most structured running I had done since high school, but after a while my schedule adapted and I was hitting all of the workouts. About halfway through, the Adductor issue started to really rear its ugly head. It seems like it's a combination of gait issues from my MS as well as compensating for the weakened Sesamoid. I attempted to strength train, but had to back off a bit.
At best, I was able to hit 53 miles a week, occasionally having to skip some workouts for cross-training or rest. I felt like I nailed the 20 mile runs pretty well and overall the LRs felt good. Unfortunately, the Adductor issue continued to wax and wane, finally flaring up badly about 3 weeks out from my target marathon. After a consultation with Ortho, I was told to stop running cold turkey for two weeks prior to the Marathon, and then a follow-up last Friday I was given the green light to try it ... cautiously ... but consider dropping out if it is too painful.

Pre-Race

My taper was compromised pretty heavily by the injury, so I was really feeling worried about how the race would go. That said, I knew that the training was done at this point, and so an extended rest shouldn't make TOO much of an impact if I feel ready. I carb-loaded three days out and tried to take on a lot of fluids. While my injury was feeling better, the next worry was the temperature. Forecast was saying low 60s for the start of the race, ramping up to the mid 70s by the time I expected to finish. We drove up to Burlington from the Boston area on Friday with the kids, and I likely did too much walking on Saturday but overall I was feeling ok and was fortunate to get a good amount of sleep Saturday night (7.5hrs).
I'm a scientist by training, so planning and preparation is second nature to me. I woke up at 4:45, had a cup of coffee, half a bagel, a banana, and a Maurten 160 drink. Because of the temperature, I decided to prepare two 500mL bottles of Tailwind, one that I would take with me and one that I would pickup from my wife at the Half point. I planned for 4 gels (Maurten@5mi, Gu@10mi, Maurten+Caf@15mi, Maurten@20) and to get a cup of water at every aid station each 2.5mi. I jogged down to the start at 6:15am, used the restroom probably 4 times, and lined up with the 3:30 group.

Race

My plan was to start out with the 3:30 pacer group and see how things go. The course is advertised as being flat and fast, but I'm not sure I believe that because there is a big hill you run up twice with 120ft of vert over about 1/2 mile and between 5-7% grade at times. The course is essentially two figure 8s, and you start in the middle. At 7:15am, we took off. The first few miles felt a bit stiff, but I was chatting it up with the pacers and feeling pretty relaxed. We were going a bit ahead of pace, clocking in at 7:50 per mile for the first 4-5 miles. Around the 10K mark, I was feeling a bit antsy and the pace was slowing down...I decided to head off alone, despite a lot of reservation that I was making a poor decision.
Around Mile 9, I was starting to feel a bit of tightness in my legs and my HR was in the high 160s. I was a little bit concerned about this early fatigue, but I knew from my training that I feel like this on almost every single run and it doesn't really seem to get worse, it just seems to be part of my mechanics or something. I kept pushing on, mile after mile, keeping my pace pretty consistently. Every aid station I got a cup of water, drank some and splashed the rest on my head. This made a HUGE difference in the end.
Mile 13, came in at the Half feeling great. Started up one of the hills and saw my wife. *Disaster* she had the wrong bottle. No carbs, no Tailwind for the 2nd half, and my current bottle was empty. At this point, I had also been taking my gels early. My stomach was feeling great so instead of a gel at every 5th mile I was taking one at every 4. The race provided gels at mile 8 and mile 21, so I had picked up an extra gel by this time and made the decision to stop at the next aid station around mile 15 and fill up my bottle with Gatorade. Salvation.
Kept chugging along, feeling a bit of fatigue setting in around the slog from mile 16-19. At mile 19, I saw my wife again and she had the correct bottle (it was my fault, she thought I meant for her to give me a larger, recovery bottle I had prepared of Skratch for after the race). I got my bottle of Tailwind and hit the monster hill at Mile 20. This was my slowest mile at 8:15 (GAP of 7:40) and it really sapped my strength. I was thinking that this must be like running Heartbreak Hill the entire time I was going up.
Through the hill, into the last 10K. Starting to feel desperate, just pushing forward every step of the way. The pacing in this marathon is quite strange, because it also has a Relay of either 2-person or 4-person teams, so you're always seeing different people with way fresher legs than you. Ended up finding a woman to run with who was crushing it, and we paced eachother the last 3-4 miles. Took a last gel around 24 miles and grinded it out to the end.

Berlin next... then Boston?

Post-race, I was feeling pretty happy with my 3:26 time. To be honest, I felt a little anti-climactic, although I'm not entirely sure why. I didn't feel a ton of adrenaline or emotion throughout the race and things seemed pretty collected. That said, I'm pretty surprised at how much I loved almost every minute of the race itself. Maybe it was just because it was my first time, but it was truly a fun and rewarding experience.
I think there were a few areas where I could have pushed just slightly harder, but given it was my first marathon on a somewhat challenging course in the heat I'm overall happy with my time. I absolutely nailed my hydration/fueling and my pacing, with a slightly negative split overall, so I'm really pleased with that. As a whole, I'd give my training cycle maybe a 6/10; I think I definitely raced too many of my training runs, likely leading to some of my injuries. I was also only able to go above 50mpw in 2 of the 12 weeks of the program.
Given my somewhat poor training cycle, I'm hoping that I still have a lot of room to improve. I was a bit worried that my MS would cause issues during the marathon, particularly my left leg, which tends to lose coordination in long, higher intensity efforts. Fortunately, it felt pretty good throughout.
Earlier in the year, I was lucky to get a spot for both Berlin and NYC. Given their proximity to each other, I'm going to try and defer NYC to next year. I've now been thinking through if I want to try and apply to Boston for 2025. Given my MS, I am technically eligible for an "adaptive" application, which has a cutoff time of 6:00. I feel in two minds about this, because on one hand I feel like I'm maybe taking a bit of the easy way out, when it might be possible for me to hit sub-3:05 some day. On the other hand, I don't know how many years I have left running so I'm thinking I might just seize the opportunity now and then try and qualify through the more "standard" way in the future. Curious on people's thoughts on this, and thanks for reading!
Made with a new race report generator created by herumph.

LINK TO ARTICLE- PUBLISHED IN OPEN CLINICAL ANNALS
This review provides overview of the advancements, applications, and challenges associated with deep learning and machine learning models for decoding neuroimaging data.
It discusses the various deep learning architectures used in neuroimaging analysis and their strengths and limitations. The review highlights the potential of these models in tasks such as brain tumor segmentation, functional connectivity analysis, and brain disorder classification.
It also addresses critiques related to sample bias, reproducibility, and interpretability challenges. Recommendations for future research include the development of hybrid models, improved interpretability techniques, and integration of diverse datasets. The review emphasizes the importance of these models in advancing our understanding of the human brain and improving diagnosis and treatment of neurological disorders.

LINK TO ARTICLE- PUBLISHED IN OPEN CLINICAL ANNALS
This review provides overview of the advancements, applications, and challenges associated with deep learning and machine learning models for decoding neuroimaging data.
It discusses the various deep learning architectures used in neuroimaging analysis and their strengths and limitations. The review highlights the potential of these models in tasks such as brain tumor segmentation, functional connectivity analysis, and brain disorder classification.
It also addresses critiques related to sample bias, reproducibility, and interpretability challenges. Recommendations for future research include the development of hybrid models, improved interpretability techniques, and integration of diverse datasets. The review emphasizes the importance of these models in advancing our understanding of the human brain and improving diagnosis and treatment of neurological disorders.

In recent years, metal office buildings have gained immense popularity due to their durability, cost-effectiveness, and modern aesthetic appeal. This trend is driven by the need for sustainable, flexible, and efficient workspace solutions. Designing a metal office building requires careful planning and consideration of various factors to ensure it meets both functional and aesthetic requirements. This comprehensive guide will walk you through the key aspects of designing a metal office building, from conceptualization to final construction.

Understanding the Benefits of Metal Office Buildings

Durability and Longevity
Metal buildings, particularly those made from steel, are known for their durability and resistance to harsh weather conditions, pests, and fire. This makes them a reliable option for long-term investments. The robust nature of metal structures ensures they can withstand natural disasters better than traditional buildings.
Cost-Effectiveness
One of the major advantages of metal office buildings is their cost-effectiveness. The materials are often less expensive compared to traditional construction materials. Additionally, the construction process is faster, reducing labor costs. The efficiency in construction also means less downtime for businesses.
Sustainability
Metal buildings are highly sustainable. Steel, for example, is 100% recyclable and can be reused without losing its properties. Moreover, the energy efficiency of metal buildings can be enhanced through proper insulation and the use of energy-efficient windows and doors, reducing the overall environmental impact.
Flexibility and Customization
Metal buildings offer great flexibility in design. They can be easily expanded or modified to accommodate changing business needs. The versatility of metal allows for innovative architectural designs, making it possible to create unique and modern office spaces.

Initial Planning and Conceptualization

Defining Your Requirements
Before diving into the design, it’s crucial to define the specific requirements of your office building. Consider factors such as the number of employees, the type of work being done, and any specific needs related to your industry. This will help in creating a design that supports productivity and meets operational needs.
Budgeting
Establish a clear budget for your project. This includes not only the cost of materials and construction but also any additional expenses such as permits, landscaping, and interior design. Having a detailed budget will help in making informed decisions throughout the design and construction process.
Site Selection
Choosing the right location is vital for the success of your metal office building. Consider factors such as accessibility, proximity to clients or suppliers, and local zoning regulations. The site should also have adequate space for future expansion if needed.

Design Considerations

Architectural Style
The architectural style of your metal office building should reflect your company’s brand and values. Whether you opt for a sleek, modern look or a more traditional design, metal buildings can be customized to achieve the desired aesthetic. Pay attention to elements such as the façade, roofing, and window styles.
Layout and Space Planning
Effective space planning is essential for creating a productive work environment. Consider the flow of movement within the building, the placement of workstations, meeting rooms, and common areas. Open-plan layouts are popular in modern office design, but it’s important to include spaces for private work and meetings.
Structural Design
Work with a structural engineer to ensure that your building’s design is not only aesthetically pleasing but also structurally sound. The engineer will take into account factors such as load-bearing capacities, wind resistance, and seismic activity to ensure the building’s safety and stability.
Insulation and Energy Efficiency
Proper insulation is crucial in metal buildings to maintain a comfortable indoor climate and reduce energy costs. Use high-quality insulation materials in the walls, roof, and floors. Additionally, consider energy-efficient windows and doors, and incorporate passive solar design principles to maximize natural light and heat.

Sustainability and Environmental Impact

Green Building Materials
Opt for environmentally friendly materials wherever possible. This includes recycled steel, low-VOC paints, and sustainable insulation options. Using green building materials not only reduces the environmental impact but can also improve indoor air quality and contribute to a healthier work environment.
Renewable Energy Integration
Consider integrating renewable energy sources such as solar panels or wind turbines into your building design. This can significantly reduce your reliance on traditional energy sources and lower your operating costs. Additionally, it demonstrates a commitment to sustainability, which can be a valuable asset for your company’s image.
Water Conservation
Incorporate water-saving features such as low-flow fixtures, rainwater harvesting systems, and efficient irrigation systems for landscaping. These measures can help reduce water consumption and contribute to overall sustainability goals.

Construction and Project Management

Choosing the Right Contractor
Selecting a reputable and experienced contractor is crucial for the success of your project. Look for contractors with experience in metal building construction and check their references and past projects. A good contractor will be able to provide valuable insights and help streamline the construction process.
Project Timeline
Develop a detailed project timeline that outlines each phase of construction, from site preparation to final inspections. This will help ensure that the project stays on track and within budget. Regularly review and update the timeline as needed to accommodate any changes or delays.
Quality Control
Implement strict quality control measures throughout the construction process. This includes regular site inspections, material testing, and adherence to building codes and standards. Ensuring high-quality construction will prevent future issues and prolong the lifespan of your building.

Interior Design and Finishing Touches

Ergonomic Workspaces
Design ergonomic workspaces that promote employee well-being and productivity. This includes comfortable furniture, adjustable workstations, and proper lighting. Consider incorporating standing desks, collaborative spaces, and quiet zones to cater to different work styles.
Aesthetic Appeal
The interior design should reflect your company’s brand and create an inviting atmosphere. Use a cohesive color scheme, modern finishes, and quality materials to enhance the overall look and feel of the space. Incorporate artwork, plants, and other decorative elements to add personality and warmth.
Technology Integration
Integrate modern technology to create a smart office environment. This includes high-speed internet, wireless connectivity, and smart lighting and HVAC systems. Additionally, consider implementing a building management system (BMS) to monitor and control various building functions for increased efficiency.

Maintenance and Long-Term Considerations

Regular Inspections
Schedule regular inspections to identify and address any maintenance issues promptly. This includes checking for signs of wear and tear, ensuring the integrity of the building’s structure, and maintaining the HVAC and electrical systems.
Upgrades and Modifications
As your business grows and evolves, your office building may need upgrades or modifications. Metal buildings are particularly well-suited for expansions and renovations due to their modular nature. Plan for future needs and ensure that any changes are seamlessly integrated into the existing structure.
Sustainability Practices
Continue to implement and improve sustainability practices over the life of the building. This includes maintaining energy-efficient systems, recycling programs, and promoting eco-friendly habits among employees. Regularly review and update your sustainability goals to keep pace with advancements in green technology.

Conclusion

Designing a metal office building is a multifaceted process that requires careful planning, innovative thinking, and attention to detail. By considering factors such as durability, cost-effectiveness, sustainability, and customization, you can create a workspace that not only meets your current needs but also adapts to future changes. With the right approach, your metal office building can become a modern, efficient, and inspiring environment for your business.
In recent years, metal office buildings have gained immense popularity due to their durability, cost-effectiveness, and modern aesthetic appeal. This trend is driven by the need for sustainable, flexible, and efficient workspace solutions. Designing a metal office building requires careful planning and consideration of various factors to ensure it meets both functional and aesthetic requirements. This comprehensive guide will walk you through the key aspects of designing a metal office building, from conceptualization to final construction.

I think my only option is to completely resign as a stepparent. I desperately need advice about sustaining a marriage with polar opposite parenting styles, & how to deal with teenage boys with no manners or basic hygiene.
There is a lot of background here I will try to keep as to-the-point as possible. I am 34 with a 10 year-old daughter. My husband is 39 with a 15 year-old son. We each had kids at 23. We are 5 years apart, as are our kids. We were also friends for 5 years before “courting” & built a strong bond of trust already, so yes, we courted. I had rejected him a few times over the years, as I was abstinent after a toxic relationship & did not want to repeat the same patterns. Over the covid lockdowns, we started talking, texting, facetiming more than ever. When he asked me out again, I told him I was not interested in dating without the ultimate goal of marriage, to which he said, “Good. I don’t want a girlfriend, I want a wife.” 3 months later, we became engaged & our marriage is truly amazing & fulfilling in so nearly every way except one - my daughter & I, some of the most playful & outgoing outdoorsy girls you could meet, have no idea how to connect to his son. And there is nothing to make me think it is worth even trying anymore.
Miraculously, husband & I both get along extremely well with our co-parents. I could not see myself with someone that doesn’t. Neither of us have court orders or child support or rigid schedules. My daughter’s bio dad is one of my best friends, & I made very clear that a relationship with me means respecting his role. He said the same of his son’s bio mom. I come from a very blended family in which this is the ideal. My parents were at each other’s weddings & all get along & still get together. Our own coparents attended our wedding a year & a half ago. And that meant the absolute world to me & hopefully if not now, someday our kids.
For sure, my husband could not be a better stepfather. He & my daughter share inside jokes & their own games & pranks. She has her own nickname for him & will run to him & hug & climb all over him. They convinced me to add baby goats to our homestead, & have been tending to & bottle-feeding them both, a beautiful connection & commitment to share. He says, “She makes it easy.” And to put it lightly, his son does not - but I am absolutely not allowed to talk about it without getting ridiculed.
I first met the son when he was 13. Overweight, awkward, all of his hair in front of his eyes. He then retreated to his room. I know him to be the exact same now. He is 6’0 & I think over 200lbs, larger than my dad. He defaults to locking himself in his room. Unless asked to help stack wood or play a game with the rest of us, he only emerges to use the bathroom (in which he never brushes his teeth or washes his hands), or ask his dad for food - of which, he literally only eats yellow rice & chicken. He will otherwise smash an entire bag of “Takis” or flaming hot Cheetos at 10 AM & continuously throughout the day as they are available to him. He plays live multiplayer games from morning often to midnight or 3 AM, with my daughter’s room right next to him, where I blast the fan & AC & ocean sounds to drown him out. Calling this out seemed to be calling stepson out personally, so all I can do is adapt. Daughter thankfully likes it cold.
I have tried to be as soft & supportive in airing my grievances to husband, but they are never taken with grace or accountability. I am not perfect & have definitely been passive aggressive with his reactivity, as he takes my issues as insults rather than something to work on. He casts blame on bio mom or Covid, & now me. “I don’t know what goes on at bio-mom’s house, we moved an hour away & he gets carsick! I’m out of his life!” “It’s because he was stuck inside for 2 years!” “Are you sure you didn’t HEAR him say hi?” “Good news, I’ve been living with him 15 years, never sanitized a doorknob in his life, & I’ve been fine!” “I wouldn’t want to leave my room with you criticizing his every move either!”
Our first night in our new home for example, was a nightmare. My hand lotion moved from the bathroom counter to the back of the toilet - so then into our room immediately. He left the toilet seat open & my razor covered in pubes. He left open bags of chips with crumbs all over the counter. “It’s an adjustment, it’s hard on everyone!” Husband said over & over. This was an understatement, being that my daughter has been raised to ask for anything from snack time to screen time always with “please,” “thank you,” & we eat out of bowls that we put in the sink rather than stack in our room with soda cans & candy wrappers.. I am familiar with the saying, “Living room kids come from healthy families. Bedroom kids do not.” Daughter is a living room kid. Stepson is a bedroom kid. Either way, I had never had personal items used without asking &felt extremely violated by stepson, then upset that husband blamed me for it instead of understanding where I was coming from.
This remains true nearly a year later. My husband has started lashing out while drinking the past few months, accusing me of “HATING” his son, which is extremely hurtful as I do not harbor any hate in my heart for anyone. What I disdain is the way he is raising his son under our shared roof & living spaces, & that he refuses to acknowledge or communicate about it. As things were not greatly improving, I personally had a talk with stepson about basic manners. I said, “When you enter this house without a greeting or making eye contact, it is an insult. It comes off as rude & entitled & I don’t like feeling like a ghost in my own house. This is your house too & I want you to feel comfortable. But you can help me feel more comfortable too.” “Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
I have truly never had a real conversation with this kid. He does say “hi” & “bye” & the occasional “thank you” now. At this point, it is abundantly clear that he does not want me in a step role, & neither does his father, & neither does bio mom. So it seems I have no choice but to let it all go & suffer bad manners & hygiene, silence, & now bitter resentment from husband.
What I have observed is that I actually“coparent” with my daughter’s father. We coordinate around each other’s schedules, we make decisions together, we communicate about her physical, emotional, spiritual, educational, & social wellbeing. Husband & bio mom do not. They parent in isolation & simply let the other do as they please, which has resulted in a child without manners or discipline. This has led bio mom to put the kid on PROZAC without husband’s consent. This horrified me, as someone who only goes to the doctor for stitches. My daughter’s doctor is the naturopath who midwived her in the bedroom she still sleeps in at her father’s house. I understand not everyone is as holistically minded, but I begged husband to get him to a nutritionist first. The child is obese & malnourished. But too late. Bio mom did as she pleased without communication, which seems constant among them.
I have not shared my views as I know they are not welcome. Bio mom is medicated, her other 10 year-old son (deceased dad) is medicated, & now teenage stepson is as well. Husband blames our distance from him which feels like an indirect blame on me, as we are closer to my community & business as husband works from home. But truly they live in the ghetto, & I have always lived on the coast & barely like to drive through those inner cities. I set up a high school tour for them here which is one of the best schools in the state with a tech program I thought stepson would love, but he chose to stay with his friends, in one of the worst schools of the state. He incredibly won class president, though has dropped a bunch of honors classes & continues failing others.
My birthday was last week. When my husband asked what I wanted, I said baby back ribs & family. I just wanted to grill & chill due to an insane work week. I run a housekeeping business & worked for 24 hours in 3 days opening up for the summer rental season. I did not want to go crazy hosting & knew I would if we invited friends. “Are you sure? You wouldn’t be hosting, I will be! You don’t have to do a thing!” He emphasized over & again. So when a friend ended up visiting from out of state, I was ecstatic to invite her & our mutual close friend to BBQ with us. They are single moms with 4 toddlers between them & wanted to camp on our land.
We had a great day grilling & running the sprinkler & feeding the animals. Husband had promised stepson would be outside with us all day. Toward the evening, I asked where he was. “Do you see any other teenagers out there? What’s he supposed to do?” I was hurt. “Well I don’t see any 10 year-olds either, but [daughter] is still out there, & you actually said he would spend the whole day with us. I just want some time all together.” Husband knocked on his son’s door & said, “Hey it’s her birthday, it’d be nice if you come out & spend some time with us.” Then he did, & even if it was just a quick basketball game with his dad & he introduced himself to no one, it still meant so much to me.
So later when we had helped friends & toddlers set up a tent & fire in our woods, I hugged husband & thanked him for bringing stepson out with us, saying family time was all I wanted. “You two have such a healthy relationship,” my friend says. At the time, it uplifted him & he said he loved this friend to death. A few hours later, he said it was “hilarious.”
We had invited stepson’s mom, but she was out of town. My coparent joined us however, & he & husband stayed at camp with the moms & toddlers while I went to tuck daughter into bed around 9. We played some trivia to unwind, said a prayer, & I kissed her good night & went to start the dishes. Husband & coparent came back around 11 when I was ready to go to bed myself. They were suddenly on a completely different level as my slow & steady beer intake. Both their legs were gashed & covered in blood from their hike without a flashlight, which they thought was hysterical. They were loud & silly like, “You can’t go to bed, it’s your birrrfday!” & I realized, ah. They were drinking my girls’ tequila.
Coparent went on a drunk spiel thanking me so much for all the love I am, how I keep the family together, this & that & showering me with slurred praise. Husband was drunkenly yet enthusiastically agreeing & thanking me, saying I was the best. I tried staying up with them to be polite but they were so deep in conversation on a different level that I went to go make the baby goat formula for their 5AM feeding & go to bed. But I couldn’t find their bottles. I raised my hand with the men, gradually higher & higher to ask husband if he had seen them. “I see you have your hand raised, but hang on, let me finish this point,” coparent said. So husband finally noticed, & I cut in anyway asking if he had seen them. “As a matter of fact, no, YOU fed the goats last so I have no IDEA where they are,” he raised his voice, literally pointing a finger at me.
That suddenly spiraled into another drunken heated accusation of how much I hate his son. I started crying & saying all I wanted was for him to be with us today & that I was grateful he brought him out. He fought me saying they can never have a good weekend because of me, called me an “@$$hole,” & said “F you ,” 3 times in a row, upsetting me so much as there was absolutely nothing I could say, to the point I slugged him in the arm to get him to stop. This has happened twice before embarrassingly with alcohol, when he just yells & yells things that are not true & curses at me that I can’t even respond vocally. “You see how she treats me?!” Both men of course freaked out & coparent started yelling at me to listen to husband. This essentially turned into 2 hours of incessant berating from both of them. They both cried during their own tangents. It spun out of asking for baby goat bottles & continued til 2 AM with, for the first time, continual threats of divorce.
“You are not in this relationship & do not need to mediate it,” I told coparent.
“Like it or not, I am! How you treat husband affects all of us! His feelings are VALID & you need to be quiet & listen to him!” he said.
“I’ve heard this all before & it is simply not true! I do not hate stepson & he wants to divorce me because he thinks I do!”
“Emotions causes us to say things we don’t mean, he does not want to divorce you & knows you don’t hate him,” coparent said.
“Oh no, I DEFINITELY believe she hates him. And if I have to spend the last 4 years of his youth with my son being constantly criticized, I will absolutely divorce her!”
“I did not criticize him once today! I never criticize him, I am trying to help us become a functional household!”
And he just went round & round in the same circular aggressions that can only hear themselves. I continually begged for them to stop yelling as daughter’s window was open, the baby goats needed sleep, our rabbits didn’t need that stress. But I got yelled at more for that. “You can’t control passion & you need to sit down & LISTEN to your husband!” Coparent kept insisting. But I had heard it all many times before. I even tried to sleep in the goat pen, trying to settle the poor babies, still hearing the men raise their voices about me, how being critical was just my nature, & then got yelled out of there.
Around midnight, I tried to resign again & go back inside to finish dishes when stepson emerged. “Do you know where Dad is?” “Oh he’s outside, you can probably save him from [daughter’s dad].” He went into the bathroom. So I poked my head out while they continued bashing me & said, “Stepson needs you.” “I’ll be right there.” I went back to the dishes. Stepson comes out of the bathroom. As always, flushes, no faucet (or hand-washing). “He says he’ll be right there sweetie.” No words, back into his bedroom. 10 minutes go by & still no husband as I continue the endless dishes. I poke my head out again. “Did you not hear me? Your son needs you.” “ALL RIGHT!”
Turns out he needed dinner. Despite a huge spread of barbecue & potatoes & corn & pasta & salad & veggies & dips, stepson touched none of it & needed his chicken & yellow rice. So husband literally cooked him dinner at 1230AM, all the while continuing to accuse me of hating him whilst doing so.
Coparent authentically apologized the next morning on the phone. “You screamed at me for HOURS when I was ready for bed to listen to falsities I have heard over & over without ONCE trying to hear me.” He got it. He humbled & admitted specific wrongs & I accepted his apology.
“Sorry” does not seem to mean anything when you throw around the “D” word like that though. Husband pledged to stop drinking. To his credit, 3 days later, he still hasn’t. But when I said, “If you think I am capable of hate, you don’t know me at all,” the best apology he could give me was, “I’m sorry, I don’t think you hate him. But I know you don’t like him.” Then, “I don’t want to divorce you. I feel like I ruined our entire lives in one night.”
I told him that this is going to take more than “sorry” to heal, especially where blame is still cast, & he will have to “show” me. I don’t even know how, through more conscientious parenting? We haven’t slept in the same bed in 3 nights. I haven’t cooked for him, but I still clean after him. We finished some homestead projects in near-silence together.
I think I must resign to being the invisible ghost stepson makes me feel like. Do I have ANY role here but to resign & accept his parenting & continue mine with my daughter alone, while he reaps the benefits of an amazing relationship with her? Isolation parenting just like with stepson’s biomom ? If not for my daughter & our animals & gardens, I would just want to lock myself in a room all day too. But that’s what is so hard for me to get. We have nearly 30 acres & this child is permitted to be a blob on a screen living on empty calories all day & night. I cannot & will not blame a child for anything. I told my husband that when a plant isn’t thriving, you nourish it & improve its environment. He said he didn’t get it. And as deeply as I love him & don’t want to even think about divorce, I have never been so unattracted to him.

I'm starting a series, where I discuss where characters can go from where they currently are in the story in the context of their football gameplay. Since this is the first entry in this series of mine, I'll start with the protagonist: Isagi Yoichi.
Contextualizing Isagi:
Isagi playstyle is fairly straight forward. He runs up field evading and juking defenders when necessary and places himself in the most dangerous position not only for the defensive line but also for the goalkeeper. His goal scent/Metavision allow him to pinpoint said area. If he were to get the ball before being in said area he usually trades short passes with any allies as he makes with way through the enemy team using his off the ball. And once left unmarked, he waits for his pass so they can repeat the process until he can get in range to use his signature direct shot. This weapon can be fired from both of his feet, with the stipulation that his left foot is 60% less accurate/powerful (not sure which maybe it's both) then his right. When the opposing team has the ball he routinely uses his incredible stamina to fall back and help the defensive line or if the opposing team haven't reached the attacking third yet, he usually goes for interceptions. With his incredible vision, information gathering skills and general field IQ he can lead a match, without even having the majority of his team backing him up. With all of this taken into consideration, on top of the fact that his IQ on the human psyche (egocentrism and ego types: World-type/Self-type) and it's effects on players during matches, Isagi Yoichi can essentially see into the future.
Basic Improvements:
For how Isagi can improve his base play style as it is now, It's fairly simple.
Maintenance on defence
As is illustrated here
And the problem with such a play style
Given the length of NEL matches presumably shorter than geniune 90 min. matches. Going from end of the pitch to the other would require pace and stamina that allows him to complete both his offensive duties and his defensive ones. He would have increase his speed so he can get to his "Meta Burst Points" more successfully as the competition keeps ramping up. And he'd also have increase his stamina so he doesn't tire out during the full 90 minutes. But he seems to have remedied this problem in the NEL, so his current endurance regiment should be enough as long as he keeps breaking his limits during training.
As for the rest of his physicals he should be pretty good when it comes to being physically pressed even by larger opponents.
Karasu, larger opponent who gave him trouble in the past...
...He manages to hold his own agaisnt long enough to keep the ball safe from him and begin a tiktaka sequence his Kurona. Good chop pass as well
So when it comes to getting physically pressed Isagi's not as powerless as he was before and with the addition of his Two-Gun Volley to his arsenal he should be fine when it comes time to score.
Moving forward when comes to shooting, there's only two things he really needs to do.
MASTER IT
Mastering the Two-Gun Volley can entail so many things. Increased shot accuracy with his weaker foot, the ability to perform longer feint sequences, (more than one feint) or maybe increasing his shooting speed so he can still shoot with foot he feinted. There's a plethora of improvement that can be made this fundamentally dangerous weapon.
That's where I'll wrap it up for this section because frankly Isagi's base play style is already dangerous as is. And as your about to see in the next section there's very little overt or drastic additions or changes you can make to it, that won't fundamentally change Isagi as player.
Additions going forward/Story relevant changes:
Isagi is own to add weapons to his arsenal that aren't necessarily viewed as conventional: Metavision, Egocentrism and now his Egocentrism is evolving to take into account player's ego types so he can better predict their top performances. I'm sure that Isagi will continue to gather these brand of weapons, let's just call them mental weapons for simplicities sake. As for what they will be I have ZERO clue. I expected Metavision or something to the effect of it be introduced of course I didn't expect it to be depicted in the way it is. I did see Egocentrism coming especially considering how simple it is in nature. But Isagi's been characterized as some one who takes mental aspect of the game into account far more than other's do, so I can't be surprised at this development. Especially since having a protagonist who thinks in such a way helps us see how he makes these crazy decisions. And our protagonist behaving in such a way also helps us delve deeper into the psychology of the other players on the pitch, especially from outside view like Isagi's. Take for example is employment of verbal abuse towards Kaiser, to further deepen his adversary's obsession with him. Isagi taking the pride and joy's of his opponent's into account will always be part of his game. And how this evolves I cannot tell you. I for sure did not even think about ego-types when reading. But in hindsight, it's par for the course considering this is manga about "Ego" as a concept first and foremost. Holistically the football and it's logistics take a backseat to this central theme. It's more accurate say that football is simply medium in which this theme of "Egoism" is expressed in the story. But I digress. TL;DR I can't tell what Isagi's next mental weapon is going to be.
But I will attempt to make an estimation on what PHYSICAL weapon he might acquire. And this theory is going to be based on not only story implications or events that have previously happened in the story, but also on taking into account what his arsenal and play style already look like. So what's this weapon?
A Rainbow FLICK!
Yes I know Isagi sucks at dribbling (for the most part) but he's gotten drastically better as seen here:
Impressive lift
Not necessarily dribbling but still an impressively perfomed feint that lend credence not only for my theory on whether or not Isagi can learn the move. But also on why the Isagi will learn the move.
Even complimented by Yuki
Well executed evasion of a slide tackle
But with that aside, how would he even learn this? Simple the same way he acquired his left shot. His friends. It is perfectly within Isagi's character to reach out or take from those whom he needs help from. I predict that he'll go to Chigiri the same way he went to Kunigami. Of course not for the matter at hand, that being the rainbow flick but rather with help on his physicals, since Chigiri has great stamina, speed and probably everything else since he was a part of manshine. While, like I aforementioned, Isagi could use some of that. As for the rainbow flick I think he'll go to Hiori and/or Bachira for help on how to develop the ball control and skill to execute it.
Now as for WHY Isagi would want the rainbow flick. It's fairly simple, It's to aid his Two-Gun Volley.
My Idea for it's utilization in Isagi's bag is in the scenario he gets pressed from behind or even from the front he can use it to start using his off the ball (which is way better than his dribbling) to catch up to the ball while getting pass the defenders. From there the ball will still be in the air and he can use his two Volley from there.
I mainly got this Idea from rereading Ubers. (And watching football stuff on instagram) But I saw this sequence from Hiori in Ubers and I thought that if Isagi could do that but instead finish with a Two-Gun Volley in front of the goal he'd be a monster.
https://preview.redd.it/nxlahe2lca3d1.jpg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=aaa1961ec910ca57fc77c4dcbcaf63b66254f150
https://preview.redd.it/sc17sugmca3d1.jpg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3a2b083b0e17ee99b834c98c18272ef524bcdc78
https://preview.redd.it/acpoj0onca3d1.jpg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2ac49dcc6e71043e47106a04c9abf42ee6e5ed5
And another reason why I think this is in character for Isagi is that it follows (almost) the same principle as the lefty shot.
Simple weapon to help in tight spots
He doesn't need to be the next Bachira, Sae or Hiori but also doesn't need to be next Noa or Kunigami. He didn't seek to become completely ambidextrous after Kuni's warning, so he simplified his goal. He can't play completely ambidextrous like Kuni and Noa but he doesn't have to he simply needs to be able to shoot with left leg not play the entire game with it like it's his right. I believe this follows the same pattern, he doesn't need to perform 20 elasticos and nutmegs in a row but just being able to get the ball over his head, like how Hiori has done for him in the past with the no look assist and no look goal. But this time his Two-Gun Volley is waiting for the keeper on arrival, that's just what he needs to get pass the hurdle of a demon press from someone like Aiku when he has the ball.
Case in point
And even from that position he can get caught lacking from behind (no Diddy) while having do deal with defender in front of him if he can't pass
So i'll leave you with this sequence i've stitched together along with a in-motion I found to open up to better visualize it.
https://preview.redd.it/whb21mvgia3d1.jpg?width=1492&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c527ee48ace4a4a115af758c2203ca7a69ce53d0
https://i.redd.it/c1jajgx3fa3d1.gif
But yeah... Other than that I don't know how else Isagi can evolve. I mean there's always drive shots and more curved shots but I've seen that suggested so many times that I think I just wanted some different. But anyway, what's your Idea for an Isagi evolution. Please let me know and also let me know what you think of my theory.

If you've never played League of Legends (abbrev. to LoL) before, there's just a few things you need to know:

1. It's a 5v5 team game
2. The playerbase is notoriously TOXIC as hell
3. 'Faker' is the best LoL player Esports has ever seen, and even though he's played professionally for 10 years, he continues to get better and better
4. A 'Skin' is an alternate appearance for a Champion (playable character) that you can buy with real money (but first you need to buy ingame currency called RP), or possibly get for free through freebie rewards from playing the game
5. The average price of a Skin is $10 USD (1350 RP)
6. Faker does not equip his Champion with a skin, opting to only use the default (free) appearance

Things begin 6 days ago when Riot Games posts a teaser trailer for a documentary film about Faker, titled "Hall of Legends: Faker', and it's set to release on the League of Legends Youtube channel June 14th. As part of the hype, 4 days ago, another Hall of Legends teaser video was released, this time showing a brand new Skin for the Champion Ahri, titled, 'Immortalized Legend Ahri'. It should be known that Ahri is one of the most popular Champs in the game, and Riot Games has continued to capitalize on that fact by producing more and more Skins for her.
Before this announcement, Ahri had 17 skins. Now, she will have 20, because this new Immortalized Legend Ahri skin has 3 variations, priced as 3 different bundles. Yes, this means, if you want any of these Skins, you have to buy one of the bundles that come with a bunch of other stuff, oh and the Skin too. Riot has also announced that 30% of the proceeds of this Skin line will go to Faker. So here are the prices:

Risen Legend Ahri Bundle (Basic): 5430 RP (~$40 USD) Immortalized Legend Ahri Bundle (Fancier): 32,430 RP (~$240 USD) Signature Ahri Bundle (Amazing!!!): 59,260 RP (~$500 USD)

How does leagueoflegends react? Let's take a look at the top thread as of this post: (Commenters will be C1, C2, C3, etc.)

C1: The way i thought 59k rp was a typo lmfaooo C2: i had to go look, then check the store, then go look again, then check the store again, and im still not completely sure this is actually real. i hope zero people buy the skins C3: My first thought was they wanted me to tell us we would get 59.620 RP of "value" from buying the battle pass C4: $500? Yeah no thanks lmao. Faker doesnt even use skins anyway. C5: If you wanna be like faker, don't buy a skin 💯 C6: For that kind of money I almost expect Faker himself to deliver me a code to the bundle C7: I would expect him to come home and play the next 10 matches for me and also go in a date together

One Redditor points out the irony of having the most expensive Skin in the game in honor of Faker, who doesn't use Skins:

C1: "Let's celebrate the face of our e-sport (who famously doesn't even spend money on skins) by absolutely overcharging the fuck out of his event skins." What the hell Riot lol C2: how ironic is that Faker himself is against using skins and they give him the most expensive skin ever made lol C3: Why is he against using skins? C2: He said before he sees skins as a waste of money and that the base skins are good enough for him, he has numerous world skins under his name but he used them less than 5 times in a 11 year career C3: The game is free, how else would it generate income if not for cosmetics? In its early days at least, I have no clue if the professional scene generates enough income to make it sustainable. [gets downvoted] C4: The comment above is straight up false information. Faker growing poor and couldn't afford skin and it became a habit of him so even with alot of money now he still don't buy skin. C3: What does he even spend money on? Doesn't he play league 24/7? [more downvotes] C5: Food, housing, and his future. Why would he spend money on a free game when he can save it and be 100% financially stable for the rest of his life. It's pretty pointless to spend money on league. C6: Pretty sure [T1, the team he plays for] covers his food and housing already lmao C3: [to C5] I'm sure that faker buying skins here and there would bankrupt him. C5: You're missing the point. People who grow up in poverty are generally going to avoid spending on things like that. It's not that it's going to bankrupt him, you're twisting my words in bad faith.

Several Redditors do the math to help themselves visualize the price of the most expensive bundle:

C1: $500 for a skin, that's a real signature move by Riot. C2: "most generous bundles" (40$ 💀) C3: Elden Ring´s DLC is cheaper C4: This is giving me real "pride and accomplishment" vibes lol C5: Would you rather have a) A couple of skins and some useless bs like icons and emotes b) A Steam Deck with a dozen of the best indie games ever made C6: c) rent money C7: Almost half my monthly wage 💀💀 C8: 3rd world country mfs got hit harrrd This shit is 2.5x my monthly 9 to 5 wage And I mean the full thing, no rent no food no bills nothing 2 and a half months of ice soup if I wanted to buy this lmao C9: This is like, 10 months worth of rent for me what the fuck C10: This is what I earn in a month (working 10h) 💀 I can decide between food and league skin

The comments keep coming in, so get popcorn ready, because there's more threads to read after that!
The Hall of Legends event was never about celebrating Faker, it was to use him to make money.

Almost every League player loves Faker and we would have loved to to own the Ahri skin dedicated to him. Riot putting the full skin behind 600$ paywall is the biggest insult imaginable to us. Riot chose to exploit our love for Faker for their own gain.

Meanwhile, in AhriMains, the Fox lovers are alternating between cope memes and boycott ideas:
I Blame the Whales for this.
Easy way to counter Riot's prices
The best way to rebel is to boycott Ahri herself

I think it’s atrocious that riot is pricing a skin bundle that costs half my paycheck for an entire month. I say let’s protest in a way that forces riot to the negotiating table. All we need to do is ban Ahri every single game. The whales will never get to enjoy the skin if they cannot play the champion, and then riot will be forced to lower prices. Similar strategies worked for ryze. Let’s work to get Ahri banrate to 100%. Edit: Big brain idea, link this post in every pre-game lobby and ask them to also do the same in their next game. Exponential spread. Also send this message below to all your friends and ask them to do the same, without the parenthesis. Grassroot movements need commitment. "Discourage riot from 500$ skin. Send to friends. https://old.reddit.com/AhriMains/comments/1d2rsi5/the_best_way_to_rebel_is_to_boycott_ahri_herself/?sort=top"

Reminder to not piss in the popcorn.

"...we must lead all these beings to nirvana so that they can be liberated. Yet when this innumerable, immeasurable, infinite number of beings has become liberated, we do not, in truth, think that a single being has been liberated.’
“Why is this so? If, Subhuti, a bodhisattva still has the notion of a self, a person, a living being, or a life span exists, that person is not a true bodhisattva."

• from the Diamond Cutter Perfection of Wisdom Sutra

People might say they believe in God, or don't believe in God. But most people certainly believe in themselves, in the notion of a self, a being, a person, a liver of life, an individual, especially this individual having these experiences and preferences and conflicts and thoughts.
The Self is a very similar concept to God. God is like the "self" of the universe, the self is like the God of your body and your life, the supposed controller and commander, the central authority? But where is it?
In Taoist teachings, Zhuangzi points out that if you remove various parts of your body, you are still yourself. Which part is most important? Today we talk about a brain in a vat... but would that really be you? Or just your brain? What about your heart? Your gut? Your feet?
Similarly, God can't be found in this place or that place, the divine presence of the creator extends through all of creation, like a body, a whole system connected as one. It's all chained together, and each one of us is a link in the chain. And really, there is no chain. That's why I call it a chain.

Looking for suggestions on how to build with grausten arches and arched roofs.
There are about three different positions you can fit Grausten Medium Arch to Grausten Arched Roof pieces with snapping points, and I'm not really satisfied with any of them. Each option creates spacing or alignment issues in the larger structure, or clip through the roof model. This bums me out, because when you place two Grausten Arched Roof pieces together they form a channel which looks like it could accommodate an archway perfectly, that the snap points seem to reflect this - but there are some issues.

• Flush with top: The horizontal connector of the arch is flush at the top of the roof piece. The arch juts out vertically from the bottom of the roof piece.
• Parallel: The archway is positioned in-between two roof segments, completely exposing it. Roof pieces cannot be contiguous to accommodate this and will impact the dimensions of your entire structure.
• Flush with bottom: The vertical connector of the arch is flus hat the bottom of the roof piece. The arch juts out horizontally from the top of the roof piece.

The three snap points illustrated with pillars attached on the bottom. Note how the roofs are aligned, however the arches can snap to several different places. This has implications for the rest of the structure.
Other side of the roof, showing model clipping on the flush top / bottom snap points.
Front view again with the arches removed but the connecting pillars intact - showing the channels the archway can fit in.
The copper bars are just there as supports for this demonstration. I'm not really a "power builder" in Valheim, but I enjoy quickly standing up functional spaces that look decent without needing to add "depth", and I haven't found I'm able to do that effectively with Grausten Arches so far. Any thoughts?

I've had an eating disorder for years (restrictive/orthorexic type) and I'm starting to realize how much of my stuck-ness in recovery isn't due to body image/desire to control weight, but completely crap executive functioning. I've been eating the same thing for years pretty much on a schedule/set menu, I even measure everything (I also have OCD). But I want to eat more intuitively and I literally just have no idea how to do that. The idea of thinking of new meals, deciding what I want to eat in the moment, figuring out ANYTHING other than my usual shopping list and routine of meals, it's like my brain just shuts down. I got nothing. Plus anything outside my regular routine (food or otherwise, but food is a major challenge at this point) stresses me out. Not sure if that's more ADHD or autism....? Anyway-
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any advice? I feel like I need to completely re-learn how to eat...

So I (24M) am going through a difficult time emotionally in terms of trying to figure out my current situation. One thing I can’t get over is what went wrong with my parents who are somehow still together. They both CLEARLY don’t like each other very much and I’m pretty sure the reason why is that they spend way too much time in the house together and it’s been going on for so long. My dad “worked” from home for a long time as a photographer (basically most of the time that I’ve known him) and things got real tough on his business for a good minute. But he went out of his way to not suck it up and do certain work that would’ve helped pay the bills (refused to shoot weddings, other things that annoyed him). It honestly comes off to me now as a bit lazy, and low and behold do I learn that he was a big pot head for my entire life. I personally don’t have an issue with weed, but I used to find it strange why he never really had energy. He also used to vent to me about his marital frustrations and how depressed he was CONSTANTLY, which I think I’ve figured out is because he smoked too much damn weed. This also made things very hard to enjoy when I was growing up bc I think I kinda felt responsible for him. He was always in an existential crisis. I’m gonna stick with the occasional joint but I’m going to be a booze guy from here on out (responsibly I might add, I’m not an idiot). Through all that, I generally have pretty good memories with him as he could be lots of fun at times. In terms of fatherly advice though, he kinda sounds like he barely, if at all, knows what he’s talking about. A lot. BUT, he did show up to everything that me or my brother were involved with and was and still is our biggest fan. He may just kinda repeat back what I say a lot when I ask for advice, but at least he’s trying. I appreciate the effort.
Mom was different. She worked a nursing job on the weekends that she had to commute to. This pretty much destroyed her mental health in my opinion, as she’s incredibly isolated and used to exaggerate how bad, irresponsible, and not caring I was as a kid and teen (I was the kind of kid adults DREAM of. 4.0 student, full ride, helpful, interesting hobbies but can also have fun. Never a burden to anyone really, club joiner, plenty of friends. The whole 9 yards). I was pretty introverted but I think it’s because of how they set everything up to be SO isolated. Putting me in an isolating school that was pretty far from our neighborhood because mom resented it. Our house is literally in a ditch that was pretty separated from everyone (only 1 neighborhood friend). Social skills were honestly at a premium to develop, but I survived. She always seemed so irritated at me, would point out a lot of insecurities I had to her friends to laugh about with, and never really cared to participate in things with me. Never showed up to school events or functions that I was involved with, blamed it on a fear of crowds (which she conveniently doesn’t have when it’s something she wanted to do). She was just kinda mean and distant. Did I jaw back and embarrass her occasionally? Sure, but considering other kids were shooting up heroin in our family (a true fucking story that she had to stick her nose in), I think I can be forgiven. This isolation had an incredibly negative impact on her health. The house is a wreck, her heart sucks as she had a heart attack a couple years back. It’s bad. Real bad. All she does is sit on her damn phone and watch tiktok. Her brain (which, she actually was acutely intelligent) is pretty much fried. It also didn’t help to learn from my aunt that my mom has had affairs (I want to think multiple but I can only confirm one), and the one I can confirm is with a convicted pedophile that she continues to defend (and my dad idiotically goes along with her bullshit on it)… so yeah. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information.
So how do I make sense of all this. I’m very bad at communicating what I need unless I’m drunk, but I still want them to do better. I work from home with great pay for a single man, so I’m sorta using that to “make up for lost time” on things I missed out on as a kid, but I still feel isolated and stressed bc of the situation. I know I have a deep mistrust and fear of women that I need to get over as well, but I don’t know how to do that. I’m going to see yet another therapist about this, but even that’s burning me out. What’s with this situation?

Not sure where else I can go to put this out there. But I have been feeling both miserable and guilty as of late.
To start, I had to move back home due to living situations changing. The housemate I was living with is/was an alcoholic and started stealing my mouthwash and going through my stuff to try and find something, anything, with alcohol in it. So, I left there and moved back home. Then, a few months ago I got laid off and found a new job, but at a significant pay cut, so still getting used to that.
Last month or so, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, and I have been helping where I can, though being a temp/contractor and having a job that (while remote) is time demanding, I have not been able to help as much as I would like. Add to that the level of noise in the house, whether it is from my niece who is here 3-4 times per week, or the dog running up and down the stairs and barking at everything and nothing, or my parents having full-blown conversations with each other while on different levels of the house, and I can hardly get a quiet moment.
The guilt that I have is that I have conflicted feelings. I would quite literally much rather be anywhere else than here, if only so that I can work in peace and quiet, but also being glad that I am here since it gives me time with my dad.
The misery I am feeling also stems from this, since even though I am with family I still can't help but feel utterly alone. I got out of an almost-one-year relationship about 2 months ago. I thought it was going well, until she told me that she wasn't feeling it and didn't reciprocate my feelings. To be clear, I appreciate that she told me and I harbor no anger or ill will toward her. We are still friends, though seeing her still hurts. I am not in a position, really, to be able to have a relationship since I don't have my own space. What hurts even more, however, is being told by the last 3 women that I have had a relationship with, all lasting around a year, that while there is nothing wrong with me and that I am good enough as I am, it just wasn't working out for whatever reason.
Now, I don't subscribe to the "nice guy" mentality. I try and do the best I can, and I know that I fail on occasion and that there is always room for improvement. I like to think that I am at least on the good side of the spectrum, and try to be kind and respectful whenever I can. But being told that due to having certain physical limitations I cannot be the right partner, or being told by the last person I was with that she wanted to have kids, just not with me, has taken more of a toll on my self-confidence and my mental state than even I probably know.
I am 38, and I am too tired to play relationship games. Ultimately, I would like to find my person and get married again and share the ret of my life with that person, but I don't see how any of that can happen right now. Add to that the fact that I am divorced (happened before these other relationships) and that woman decided I wasn't enough and cheated on me, more than once, and said some pretty hurtful things (some of which were repeated by these other 3 women, albeit without the venom and vitriol of me ex-wife) and any confidence I thought I had was just... shattered.
I am trying to work on myself, and trying to do the best I can, but I feel so... defeated, and alone. And trapped. I am trying to pay down some of my debt so I can save up and get my own place, and in the interim trying to help out at home, but I feel like every day more and more of my self is being lost. I feel everything, yet I feel nothing, and I cannot as of now reconcile these thoughts or feelings. I have nowhere I can go to get these feelings off my chest or out of my head. I am looking at going back to therapy, but right now because of my finances I cannot afford regular visits, even with insurance, and still be able to try and work down my debts so that I can at least have that level of freedom in the next year or so.
All I can say, to those who have been my partner, is I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I was not good enough to remain at your side
I'm sorry that I could not be the partner you feel you needed
I'm sorry that I was not enough
I'm sorry that my best wasn't good enough
I'm sorry that I crave attention and physical contact since that was denied me for so long
I'm sorry that on paper we are a match, but in reality we are not
I'm sorry that I wasn't enough to satisfy your wants or needs and that you felt you needed to look elsewhere
I hold nothing against these women (save for my cheating ex-wife) but damn if being told these things, or seeing them unfold in front of me, didn't hurt or didn't shake me to my core. I have only ever tried to be the best partner I could be, supporting them in everything they did, but still being told it wasn't enough. That _I_ wasn't enough. What more can I do? And at this point, why do I even try?

Exploring Java's Core Concepts

Java's handling of data and method arguments is a fundamental aspect that affects how programmers write and understand code. At the heart of this discussion lies the question: Is Java "pass-by-reference" or "pass-by-value"? This question is not just academic; it influences the design and efficiency of Java applications. Understanding the distinction and its implications is crucial for developers aiming to manipulate objects and primitives effectively in Java. The way Java treats variable passing under the hood can lead to different outcomes in code execution, affecting everything from variable manipulation to object-oriented programming practices.
The confusion often arises from Java's ability to manipulate objects, leading some to believe it operates on a pass-by-reference model. However, the reality is more nuanced, affecting how functions and methods interact with data. Clarifying this concept is essential for debugging, optimizing, and writing efficient Java code. By dissecting Java's argument passing mechanism, developers can gain insights into the language's behavior, allowing for more precise control over program flow and state management, ultimately leading to more robust and maintainable applications.

Command	Description
int, Object	Primitive data type and object declaration in Java.
System.out.println()	Method to print messages to the console.
new	Keyword to create new objects.

Delving Deeper into Java's Argument Passing

In Java, understanding the distinction between pass-by-value and pass-by-reference is crucial for developers, as it fundamentally influences how methods interact with arguments, be they primitives or objects. Java strictly follows the pass-by-value paradigm. This means when a variable is passed to a method, a new copy of that variable is created and used inside the method. For primitive types, such as int or double, this concept is straightforward. A copy of the value is made, and any modifications to this value within the method do not affect the original value outside the method. This behavior ensures the integrity of the original data, allowing developers to operate with the assurance that their variables outside the method scope remain unchanged.
However, confusion often arises when dealing with objects. While Java still uses pass-by-value for objects, what gets passed by value is the reference to the object, not the object itself. This subtle but crucial distinction means that when an object is passed to a method, the method receives a copy of the reference pointing to the same object in memory. Therefore, while the reference itself is a copy, any modifications made to the object's attributes via this reference will affect the original object. This behavior often leads to the misconception that Java uses pass-by-reference for objects. Understanding this mechanism is vital for developers to effectively manage memory and manipulate object data within their Java applications.

Understanding Pass-by-Value with Primitives

Java programming language

public class Test { public static void main(String[] args) { int a = 10; incrementValue(a); System.out.println(a); } public static void incrementValue(int number) { number = number + 1; } } 

Demonstrating Pass-by-Value with Objects

Java code snippet

public class Car { int speed; } public class Test { public static void main(String[] args) { Car myCar = new Car(); myCar.speed = 10; increaseSpeed(myCar); System.out.println(myCar.speed); } public static void increaseSpeed(Car car) { car.speed = car.speed + 10; } } 

Clarifying Java's Pass-by-Value and Pass-by-Reference Mechanisms

The concept of pass-by-value versus pass-by-reference in Java is pivotal for understanding how information is transferred between methods and variables within a program. Java's strict adherence to pass-by-value means that when a variable is passed to a method, a copy of the variable is created for use within that method's scope. This principle applies universally across Java, regardless of whether the data type is primitive or an object. For primitives, this mechanism is straightforward: the method operates on a copy, leaving the original value untouched. This ensures that changes made within the method do not inadvertently alter the program's state outside the method's scope.
When dealing with objects, the nuance of Java's pass-by-value becomes more apparent. Although it might seem like objects are passed by reference, Java actually passes a copy of the object's reference. This distinction is crucial. It means any modifications to the object's attributes through this copied reference will reflect on the original object, as both references point to the same memory location. However, if the reference itself is changed within the method, this does not affect the original reference. This understanding is essential for managing memory effectively and manipulating object-oriented data structures in Java applications, ensuring developers can predict and control how data moves through their applications.

Common Questions on Java's Pass-by-Value System

1. Question: Is Java pass-by-value or pass-by-reference?
2. Answer: Java is strictly pass-by-value, copying the variable's value for primitives or the reference value for objects when passed to methods.
3. Question: How does pass-by-value affect primitive types in Java?
4. Answer: For primitive types, pass-by-value means any changes to the variable within a method do not affect the original variable outside the method.
5. Question: Does Java pass objects by reference?
6. Answer: No, Java passes a copy of the reference to the object, not the object itself, maintaining the pass-by-value paradigm.
7. Question: What is the implication of pass-by-value for object modifications?
8. Answer: Modifications to an object's attributes via its reference affect the original object, since the copied reference points to the same object in memory.
9. Question: Can changing the reference within a method affect the original reference?
10. Answer: No, changing the reference to point to a new object within the method does not affect the original reference outside the method.
11. Question: How can one ensure data integrity when passing objects to methods in Java?
12. Answer: Understanding that objects are passed by copying the reference can help manage how and when data is modified, ensuring integrity.
13. Question: Does pass-by-value affect performance in Java?
14. Answer: Pass-by-value can affect performance, especially when large objects are involved, due to the need to copy object references.
15. Question: How does Java handle method overloading with pass-by-value?
16. Answer: Method overloading is unaffected by pass-by-value, as it depends on the method's signature rather than how values are passed.
17. Question: Can pass-by-value lead to unexpected behavior in Java?
18. Answer: Without proper understanding, it might lead to unexpected behavior, especially when modifying object attributes thinking it's pass-by-reference.
19. Question: How can developers work effectively with Java's pass-by-value system?
20. Answer: Developers should be mindful of the pass-by-value nature, especially when dealing with objects, to manage memory and data flow effectively.

Wrapping Up Java's Pass-by-Value Discussion

Java's approach to handling data through pass-by-value is a cornerstone concept that influences the behavior of both primitives and objects within the language. This article has dissected the nuances of how Java processes variables and references passed to methods, highlighting the importance of understanding this mechanism for effective programming. Despite common misconceptions, Java's consistent use of pass-by-value for both primitives and objects—via copying the reference, not the object itself—ensures that developers must be meticulous in how they manage memory and manipulate data. Grasping this concept is not just about adhering to Java's syntax but about embracing a methodology that enhances code maintainability, efficiency, and predictability. The clarity provided on this topic aims to empower developers with the knowledge to navigate Java's intricacies confidently, fostering a deeper comprehension of how Java's design principles affect day-to-day coding and overall application architecture.
https://www.tempmail.us.com/en/java/understanding-java-s-argument-passing-mechanism

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For about 2 years I have done nothing. I have been unemployed and have had an income through government supports which i no longer have and have lost my house my cats and my girlfriend. In December I stopped taking my medications because I was sure they were causing my issues. It seems like all my issues sky rocketed once I took risperidone for a few months. I feel like I have no personality, no thoughts, no feelings, except rage and distress. My life feels like a constant state of being in agony in my mind. I read and read and read and all I come to find is that apathy is permanent and you can't get rid of it. If this is the case why should I keep on living. What life is this? I can't do anything because I don't know what to do or rather I think why do anything. If my existence as a human is lacking the part what makes it a human experience then why do I exist. My whole life ive been babied. Mother paying my bills when I cant and making appointments for me and what not.
Ive spent so much time on NPD or ASPD or schizoid or AvPD that I'm convinced I have some sort of cluster b personality disorder and all I can think of is why would I even try to live my life when I am nothing more than a walking pathology and don't really have a personality just a brain that works off IF statements like a line of code.
People get to experience life without having to second guess themselves all the time but that's the only thing I can do, to the point where i simply don't do anything because I'm not really doing anything I'm just acting.
I cold turkeryed lamotragine, sertraline and this other medications for sleep, I can't even remember what I was on and now I feel like I have brain damage. I can't think I can't enjoy anything I cant feel love for anyone, but I also wonder if I ever did. And it's debilitating, I constantly wonder If I ever was someone with a "soul" or if I have always been just a robot with a reactionary function to the world. If this person says this then say this back. Everything seems so fake and unreal and I honestly think I have a block in-between my brain and reality.
When I got evicted I moved into my friends parents place where he stays and now I'm stuck and can't stand it anymore. Was he even my friend though or just someone who also partied alot. I don't want to be around people I don't want to have to explain to these Christians that I can't just go to church and be cured and that my depression is a choice. For the past 2 years I've been stuck in some purgatory state and it doesn't make any sense how any living being could even feel this way. It's literally hell on earth.
I cant move out because I don't have an income and I can't get an income because in all honesty If I had a job I would quit after a week. 1 year ago I almost had a job and I did an interview and the first day of work on the way there I turned around went home and blocked all the phone numbers associated with it.
I cant get supports because by the time I'm half way through the process I realize nothing matters reality isn't real my thoughts are fake I'm a psychopath anyway so why would I bother. I applied in December and didn't follow up and just did it again. 2 weeks ago.
When I graduated in 2019 I was drinking every weekend and in 2021 started trying drugs with my best friend, we did mushrooms and acid a couple times and a few times molly on the weekends. I've been drinking since grade 9, not every weekend but any chance I could, every party, every family event and holiday. Around 2020 I became a pothead and I would smoke insane amounts of weed, some days I smoked 3.5 grams a day some days I smoked 7 grams a day but more or less from 2020 to 2023 I would smoke non stop with no breaks unless around peopoe who disaproved, waking up in the night to smoke ,sometimes twice. I also took shrooms every like 3 months for a year or so and would be able to say that I've done them 3 times a year atleast from 2020 to 2023. All while being on these meds that I have been convince are neurotoxic and designed to give you brain damage. Oh and I've tried cocaine 3 times in the last year aswell. Never did much of it tho.
So I've lost all hope in living a life that is human. I feel void of myself I don't know who I am, I constantly feel like I'm pretending and acting to be human and can't connect with anyone and they would never know I feel this way.
The past 2 years I have don't nothing but sit at home with my blinds closed and hope no one is going to knock on my door as I sit for I hours a day staring at my phone googling and resding reddit and coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of psychosis or skitzophrenia or paranoia. My friends will call and I'll watch it ring until it stops and won't reply to my family. Because whats the point in trying to be human when I am no longer a human thanks to the cognitive issues I have to face.
And there's no hope online. You have anhedonia? It's the same everywhere I look, people replying to other people's posts or articles with "same here been 20 years now." So what's the point. How am I to know if it's depression or ASPD or NPD or Permanent Apathy from being chronically staring at my phone since I was 14 and watching gore and porn since I was that age. There's no knowing, there's no certainty in my own cognition or personality, not that i have one anymore. It's like do I have this cluster b? Who knows because if I did I wouldn't let a therapist know because I'm scared I do so I don't touch on it. Everything is a loop and a pardox of mental illnesses. I should have never read anything and I could have just been like "yup I'm depressed" now I have to worry if I should even try.
I moved to this place I'm in in december and just threw all my belongings in a room and I walked over everything until a couple weeks ago I threw out thousands of dollars worth of stuff because it's in the way and I dont have my own place anymore so things don't have a designated place. Threw out my computer, my tv, my model cars and all the model building supplies I had, airbrushes compressors hundreds of paints and brushes and clamps and just so much shit because those are people things let alone the human aspect of putting them somewhere.
Now I have cloths and a phone so running away will be easier. But where to go? Food costs money, I'm just tired of not feeling like a human and realizing everything I owned was just part of the act anyway. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. It's all that goes through my head all day long even if I did I wouldn't know it because I'm too far gone and it would be second guessed. I've now hyperfocused on the fact that laying down and staring at my phone for 2 years straight has, if not amplified, solidified my brain damage beyond repair. Because I feel nothing all day I just stare at my phone. But I can't do that anymore because now I'm expected to be a human in this household that I no longer want to be in. I'm completely isolated and I prefer that but I don't but I do but I don't but I do. It's like I want to be able to have friends and connect with someone but that's impossible because I'm just some empty emotionless husk with pure apathy and so I don't know what to do anymore.
I could get back on meds but isn't that the cause of this. The chemical lobotomy at its finest, causing you to need more of itself.
I dont see any hope anywhere because I want to be someone who has emotions but I have none and I want to be someone who has a human experience but I am not one. What do I do? Suicide? No there's ways to cope. I don't want to cope. What the fuck? You think coping with hell on earth is better than dieing? Why would I cope when all I have then is to look around at the world going "oh look that person feels this, thats something I can't do" because that's all that goes in inside.
I just say what I think someone is expecting to hear and then I think we'll isn't that what everyone is doing? Their all saying the same shit anyway but then I think we'll no they say what they say because they feel a certain way. Something I can't do, feel. Because im a sociopath. Being out if this household could help I'm sure but that's not even fathomable. Even with supports at max I can't afford a ppace of my own. I'd have to rent a room with a stranger, but it's funny because even those who aren't strangers are strangers now.
I shower once a week because why would I shower that's a human thing. I am not human anymore. I am void of humanity.
23 and dead. Who would have thought.
No one understands any of this so I just say I'm depressed and they think i shoukd try therapy and meds. Whats that going to do? Give my sociopathic brain the ability to not be a sociopath? If only they knew what distress and pain I feel every second of every day.
Ontop of all that even I was able to come back to myself it's just constant ocd of where should I place this and when or what or where should I do and what's the most optimized way to do this or that and why is that there instead of here and how do I know if here or there is better.
So now I guess I'll go back on ssris, and go back to thinking I'm poisoning myself and then repeat this cycle until death.
I'm just gonna run away and start stealing to eat because nothing matters anyway

For about 2 years I have done nothing. I have been unemployed and have had an income through government supports which i no longer have and have lost my house my cats and my girlfriend. In December I stopped taking my medications because I was sure they were causing my issues. It seems like all my issues sky rocketed once I took risperidone for a few months. I feel like I have no personality, no thoughts, no feelings, except rage and distress. My life feels like a constant state of being in agony in my mind. I read and read and read and all I come to find is that apathy is permanent and you can't get rid of it. If this is the case why should I keep on living. What life is this? I can't do anything because I don't know what to do or rather I think why do anything. If my existence as a human is lacking the part what makes it a human experience then why do I exist. My whole life ive been babied. Mother paying my bills when I cant and making appointments for me and what not.
Ive spent so much time on NPD or ASPD or schizoid or AvPD that I'm convinced I have some sort of cluster b personality disorder and all I can think of is why would I even try to live my life when I am nothing more than a walking pathology and don't really have a personality just a brain that works off IF statements like a line of code.
People get to experience life without having to second guess themselves all the time but that's the only thing I can do, to the point where i simply don't do anything because I'm not really doing anything I'm just acting.
I cold turkeryed lamotragine, sertraline and this other medications for sleep, I can't even remember what I was on and now I feel like I have brain damage. I can't think I can't enjoy anything I cant feel love for anyone, but I also wonder if I ever did. And it's debilitating, I constantly wonder If I ever was someone with a "soul" or if I have always been just a robot with a reactionary function to the world. If this person says this then say this back. Everything seems so fake and unreal and I honestly think I have a block in-between my brain and reality.
When I got evicted I moved into my friends parents place where he stays and now I'm stuck and can't stand it anymore. Was he even my friend though or just someone who also partied alot. I don't want to be around people I don't want to have to explain to these Christians that I can't just go to church and be cured and that my depression is a choice. For the past 2 years I've been stuck in some purgatory state and it doesn't make any sense how any living being could even feel this way. It's literally hell on earth.
I cant move out because I don't have an income and I can't get an income because in all honesty If I had a job I would quit after a week. 1 year ago I almost had a job and I did an interview and the first day of work on the way there I turned around went home and blocked all the phone numbers associated with it.
I cant get supports because by the time I'm half way through the process I realize nothing matters reality isn't real my thoughts are fake I'm a psychopath anyway so why would I bother. I applied in December and didn't follow up and just did it again. 2 weeks ago.
When I graduated in 2019 I was drinking every weekend and in 2021 started trying drugs with my best friend, we did mushrooms and acid a couple times and a few times molly on the weekends. I've been drinking since grade 9, not every weekend but any chance I could, every party, every family event and holiday. Around 2020 I became a pothead and I would smoke insane amounts of weed, some days I smoked 3.5 grams a day some days I smoked 7 grams a day but more or less from 2020 to 2023 I would smoke non stop with no breaks unless around peopoe who disaproved, waking up in the night to smoke ,sometimes twice. I also took shrooms every like 3 months for a year or so and would be able to say that I've done them 3 times a year atleast from 2020 to 2023. All while being on these meds that I have been convince are neurotoxic and designed to give you brain damage. Oh and I've tried cocaine 3 times in the last year aswell. Never did much of it tho.
So I've lost all hope in living a life that is human. I feel void of myself I don't know who I am, I constantly feel like I'm pretending and acting to be human and can't connect with anyone and they would never know I feel this way.
The past 2 years I have don't nothing but sit at home with my blinds closed and hope no one is going to knock on my door as I sit for I hours a day staring at my phone googling and resding reddit and coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of psychosis or skitzophrenia or paranoia. My friends will call and I'll watch it ring until it stops and won't reply to my family. Because whats the point in trying to be human when I am no longer a human thanks to the cognitive issues I have to face.
And there's no hope online. You have anhedonia? It's the same everywhere I look, people replying to other people's posts or articles with "same here been 20 years now." So what's the point. How am I to know if it's depression or ASPD or NPD or Permanent Apathy from being chronically staring at my phone since I was 14 and watching gore and porn since I was that age. There's no knowing, there's no certainty in my own cognition or personality, not that i have one anymore. It's like do I have this cluster b? Who knows because if I did I wouldn't let a therapist know because I'm scared I do so I don't touch on it. Everything is a loop and a pardox of mental illnesses. I should have never read anything and I could have just been like "yup I'm depressed" now I have to worry if I should even try.
I moved to this place I'm in in december and just threw all my belongings in a room and I walked over everything until a couple weeks ago I threw out thousands of dollars worth of stuff because it's in the way and I dont have my own place anymore so things don't have a designated place. Threw out my computer, my tv, my model cars and all the model building supplies I had, airbrushes compressors hundreds of paints and brushes and clamps and just so much shit because those are people things let alone the human aspect of putting them somewhere.
Now I have cloths and a phone so running away will be easier. But where to go? Food costs money, I'm just tired of not feeling like a human and realizing everything I owned was just part of the act anyway. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. It's all that goes through my head all day long even if I did I wouldn't know it because I'm too far gone and it would be second guessed. I've now hyperfocused on the fact that laying down and staring at my phone for 2 years straight has, if not amplified, solidified my brain damage beyond repair. Because I feel nothing all day I just stare at my phone. But I can't do that anymore because now I'm expected to be a human in this household that I no longer want to be in. I'm completely isolated and I prefer that but I don't but I do but I don't but I do. It's like I want to be able to have friends and connect with someone but that's impossible because I'm just some empty emotionless husk with pure apathy and so I don't know what to do anymore.
I could get back on meds but isn't that the cause of this. The chemical lobotomy at its finest, causing you to need more of itself.
I dont see any hope anywhere because I want to be someone who has emotions but I have none and I want to be someone who has a human experience but I am not one. What do I do? Suicide? No there's ways to cope. I don't want to cope. What the fuck? You think coping with hell on earth is better than dieing? Why would I cope when all I have then is to look around at the world going "oh look that person feels this, thats something I can't do" because that's all that goes in inside.
I just say what I think someone is expecting to hear and then I think we'll isn't that what everyone is doing? Their all saying the same shit anyway but then I think we'll no they say what they say because they feel a certain way. Something I can't do, feel. Because im a sociopath. Being out if this household could help I'm sure but that's not even fathomable. Even with supports at max I can't afford a ppace of my own. I'd have to rent a room with a stranger, but it's funny because even those who aren't strangers are strangers now.
I shower once a week because why would I shower that's a human thing. I am not human anymore. I am void of humanity.
23 and dead. Who would have thought.
No one understands any of this so I just say I'm depressed and they think i shoukd try therapy and meds. Whats that going to do? Give my sociopathic brain the ability to not be a sociopath? If only they knew what distress and pain I feel every second of every day.
Ontop of all that even I was able to come back to myself it's just constant ocd of where should I place this and when or what or where should I do and what's the most optimized way to do this or that and why is that there instead of here and how do I know if here or there is better.
So now I guess I'll go back on ssris, and go back to thinking I'm poisoning myself and then repeat this cycle until death.
I'm just gonna run away and start stealing to eat because nothing matters anyway

Well, I’m not exactly sure where to start since I am not really a reddit user and I have no idea what i’m even getting myself into. Me and my GF have been together for almost 10 months, and although we’re not in our 20s or anything yet, I don’t plan on this being some sort of short relationship, In general, we both do love eachother and love spending time with eachother, we try to fufill each others needs in every way we can but it’s been difficult recently. Throughout most of the relationship the problems have kind of gotten to me, I try my best to be the best partner I can, I text her all throughout the day with random thoughts or what i’m doing and if i’m going to be busy doing something i’ll text her to make sure she knows, I try to always be available to talk or text even if I’m at work, and I also try my best to keep my schedule open for anything that can happen between us, whether she wants to have a little bit of time in the morning before I go into work, or if she wants to spend time together on my days off etc etc. At the same time though she doesn’t really do the same, throughout the relationship there’s been a consistent trend of less and less towards me that i’ve noticed and had multiple conversations about, we used to have all day together and would end up being together until about 9:30/10:00 (at the time she was at her local high school and was not very busy though) and would have normally 3/4 days a week together, throughout that time we would talk a lot and facetime at night (or just call), and she would text me throughout the day (she did always do this weird thing though where I would text her stuff but she just wouldn’t respond to it, she still does it), now we are at the point where we only really have one day a week (sundays), she doesn’t text very much throughout the day and sometimes i’ll be able to call to say goodnight before she falls asleep once i get home from work (9:00PM) but that’s about it. Everything in my brain points me towards her falling out of love or losing feelings, but every time we have talked about it she always tells me about how much she loves me and that she just cannot talk or call because she is exhausted or tired (she’s currently sick with a weird mix of actual sickness aswell as her body responding to old trauma which is causing the exhaustion), but I just can’t seem to accept it as an excuse as even when she wasn’t at a point where she was drained and exhausted every day she still wouldn’t talk much or do very much.
I know this post is kind of all over the place it’s just difficult to try and explain this situation as there’s been tiny problems coming up for about 7 months now and it’s hard to remember very small stuff. I have made it clear to her that i’m not asking her to just suddenly start to completely change her behavior and talk and text me all of the time and all of that, it’s just that 90% of my day she’s not there at all and i’m not apart of her life at all, at the core of it, every time we talk about all of these problems she says that she loves me and that she wants to do this and that but when it comes down to it she only really does it if there’s no excuse whatsoever to not do it. For example, she’s said a bunch that it would be great to be able to just relax and fall asleep cuddling and wake up next to eachother holding eachother in the morning, we used to fall asleep cuddling watching movies but I can’t sleepover very much so that would be short lived, anyways recently we had my prom and her mother said that it would be reasonable for us to sleepover at her house, by the time we were actually in bed and going to sleep she kinda just rolled over and put her back towards me, I tried to ask if we could cuddle or change positions etc etc etc but if we did it would last about 5 minutes until she rolled back over with her back towards me, the day after she just said that it was because she was exhausted and drained from the day but in my mind it just doesn’t make sense, if she says she wants to cuddle and then has the opportunity to do so why wouldn’t she? it’s not just this she does it all of the time, it just doesn’t make sense and it hurts, I tried talking to her about it however she essentially just said that she just cannot due so because of how sick she is. I just need some sort of advice on what else to do in this situation, I don’t have long before college and I cannot be in this relationship if I am going to be ignored pretty much all day and then MAYBE if i’m lucky get to be with her a day or two during the weekend. I’m sure I am missing a lot of information and a lot of the story so I will gladly respond to any replies with more information that’s more directed towards their thoughts / take. Honestly there’s just too many little problems to fix and they’ve only gotten bigger and bigger as nothing has changed for months. Please, If you have any sort of advice or opinion or questions just tell me.

Hi everyone,
I'm a brand-new brokeinvestment adviser rep just starting out, and having gone through multiple exams and passing them all on the first try, I thought I'd give my 2 cents on how you can pass them, hopefully in a quicker time than me! I'll go through each test and my personal experience, then I'll explain the methods I actually used and how you can customize them to your needs.
SIE - I literally had zero experience in the securities industry when I started studying. I wasn't sure what to think after the first lesson, but I found it interesting! It took me a little over 2 months to prepare (I used Kaplan for all my tests). I studied for about 2.5 to 3 hours each day, and made sure to take plenty of notes. I found the real test was actually easier than the Final and Mastery Exams. Lots of questions of options, the primary/secondary markets, investment companies and the Acts; overall a good mix.
Series 6 - Immediately started prepping the day after passing the SIE; passed it about a month later. Suitability was the key point of emphasis; I memorized the suitability chart that they gave in the textbook and that helped a ton. Real test had a lot more scenario based questions asking you to pick the right type of investment for a customer. Tbh I was feeling a little nervous for this one since I had failed the second Mastery Exam, and this was three days before my test date. The key difference between this one and the SIE was that the latter had a broad amount of material, while the 6 asked you how products actually worked. I'd say this was the second hardest for me.
Series 63 - Again, started prepping the day after passing the 6. I'm being 100% honest here, it was almost pure memorization. I memorized the exempt transactions/securities, as well as the exemptions and exclusions for broker-dealers, agents, investment advisers, and investment adviser reps by writing them down over and over again (on my laptop to save trees lol). Also, knowing the legal terms was key, because this was a state law exam by NASAA (so don't confuse their rules with FINRA's). The Mastery Exams were a breeze, and the real test was definitely the easiest out of the bunch for me.
Series 26 - Here's where things start to get tougher. The info that I'd learned from the SIE and 6 (they're prerequisites for this one) came back to me, and I had to remember that it was important to look at it from a supervisor's POV, because a lot of questions were going to be based on this (i.e. "A rep commits X, what should the principal do to handle this situation?") The material itself was stuff that had already been drilled into me, but being a 110-question test, I had to time myself to keep pace on the practice tests. On the actual test, I was able to answer all the questions within 2 hours, and that gave me enough time to do a second-run through. Not too bad all in all; for me it was a tad bit easier than the SIE.
Series 65 - Oh boy. Let me tell you guys something that'll save you a ton of headaches later on: DO. NOT. TAKE. THIS. TEST. LIGHTLY. I just passed it last week, and if it hadn't been for the countless hours of studying I'd put in, I most likely would've failed. This literally had all of the material from the previous tests, including the entirety of the 63. On top of that, it also had federal laws that needed to be recognized from the state-level ones. The Kaplan course had 24 units to cover all the material, and a little over 4200 QBank questions. A huge mistake I made was not using all of them up. After taking the 2nd Mastery and all of the practice tests, I had answered around 3000 questions. After some debating on whether I should study some more or schedule, although I was still shaky in a few areas, I decided to go for it. The real test started out easy, and by questions 30-40, I was feeling like I might fail. But I stayed calm and focused on doing my best. I was super grateful for knowing those formulas, as a couple of questions didn't ask for calculations, but simply what they were. The ones that did ask to calculate tripped me up a bit, but I made my best picks/guesses. After answering all the questions with about 50 minutes left, I changed 2 answers; one because I didn't read the question properly and the other because I found another question that helped to answer. As you can imagine, this test was easily the toughest out of them all. I was more than thankful to see that "Pass" appear after clicking "Submit".
So there's my story! Sorry for the long paragraph on the 65; I actually cut out some more sentences to try and shorten it as much as possible. To cap everything off, I'll go through the main strategies I used, and how you can customize them to your will (Although I used Kaplan, they can probably work for other programs as well).
1) Do many practice tests. After each practice test, read the explanations throughly. Understand why you got the question right or wrong. The real test will almost certainly have different wording than the prep course you're using, so understanding the concept allows you to answer correctly regardless of how the question is asked. When I was using the QBank questions, I made sure to set the custom quiz to pull unused questions from the pool, so I didn't know what would appear next.
2) Make acronyms/phrases. They can be about absolutely anything (a movie, a life experience, etc). Anything that you can connect a group of bullet points or a concept to make it easier to remember is a good thing. For instance, I was having trouble with SEP IRAs, and it kept mentioning that only the employer contributes to this type of IRA. So to help me remember, I made the phrase "Solely Employer Puts In" (the first letter of each word makes SEP and I for IRA). Any silly way to hammer that point in means you won't forget come test time.
3) Record yourself saying concepts and phrases, and put it on loop. I started doing this a bit for the 26, and a LOT for the 65. Try to say what you want to say in a minute or less (absolute max of 1min30s). Once you put your recording on loop, you can listen to it over and over again, and this actually forces the info into your brain without you having to think or work too much. After listening to each recording however many times you like, try to write down what you heard. If you can't remember, just keep playing the recording until you've got it memorized.
4) Watch YouTube videos. Please be careful with this one, and make sure you use videos that are up to date (some videos were created years ago and thus pieces of info may not be current). Series7Guru with Dean and PassMasters with Suzy Rhoades are two excellent channels to look into. You never know, these videos may just help you snag an easy point or two on your real test ;)
If you're still here after getting through this humongous post, I wish you best of luck in not just your tests, but your future careers! Take care!