When the Xperia announcement ended, I found myself staring blankly at the screen, with only technicalities and specs floating in my brain. And Xperia has been missing something crucial all this time, and I knew it (since that's what I do for a living): Their communication is shit.
There was no excitement, no adrenaline, no surprises, no hype, no swag, no cool, no glam, no uniqueness... absolutely nothing! The announcement (that's what they called it, just an announcement, not even an event) is supposed to evoke those goosebumps-inducing emotions that drive human beings. The speakers' performances were lackluster, merely reading words from teleprompters, and the use of testimonials felt as inauthentic as a P&G laundry product ad from the '90s.
Fine, you want to position yourselves as the enthusiasts' phone brand, focusing more on design and performance (which, by the way, doesn't quite align with the new specs). So be it, but fully embrace it! Make it geeky, nerdy, or technical AF, but for heaven's sake, do something! Take a stand, choose an identity, and stick to it. People are yearning for an identity and a group to belong to, and being the pro camera phone is niche but good. At least you'll have something.
And all of this wouldn't even dent the communication budget. In fact, you'll likely get more ROI and exposure.
When I see Apple generating all that hype with mere groundshaking adjectives preceding mildly upgraded specs, making people stand in line for a whole night just to buy a slab phone... it infuriates me. I understand they've built it up over the years, but Sony had much more legitimacy in human history and is still missing the mark.
Perhaps it's the clash between Japanese and American cultures: silent work versus shouty clowning.
But yeah, I need to cool down now.

Over the past few weekends I’ve been bringing my chess board to Northgate, sitting down in the tables in front of Dixie Chicken or The Backyard, and playing whoever sits down.
The reason I did this was out of love for the game, boredom, and desire to socialize. I don’t drink and am not very talkative so yes this was the best way to spend Friday and Saturday nights, obviously.
For reference, I peaked at 1850 ELO in chess.com. People who sat down could be any rating. I played people who were probably rated close to 100 all the way to people who must’ve been 2300+. If I had to guess, the mean rating was around 900 but with a very large standard deviation. I won more than 95% of the games. I must have played hundreds of people in total, with the vast majority being men. I only played against 3 women. I played people of all ethnicities but the majority were white Americans. The good thing about playing here was that it took a very short to play someone. The average wait between games was probably about 5 minutes. This made it by far the best time and place to set up a chess board in CS. I sometimes set up my board on campus in between classes but got nowhere near as many people to play then.
It was fun! The “rudest” comment I got was “congrats, you beat a drunk person, you four eyed nerd.” Most people were super friendly and amused at the idea of playing chess in a place that seems antithetical to it. What makes playing chess in person worth it is shaking your opponents hand and saying thanks for playing after. It feels very human and warm when compared to online chess. The problem is that talking while playing chess is hard. Calculating moves takes a lot of brain processing, so there’s little space to think about what to say in a conversation. This means that I had mostly just pleasant small talk before or after games.
Most people sat by themselves, but it was very funny when a group of people sat down. Sometimes people would cheer when a piece was captured. People walking by would holler a move (KNIGHT TO F5!!”). People would make a celebrity move then disappear. Others would take pictures. Illegal moves were seen: knights moving like bishops, pawns moving diagonally without capturing, castling in check, and moving a pinned piece so that the king could be taken. A girlfriend complained to her bf who sat down “babe you are NOT about to do this.” People told me about how they used to play chess with their grandfather. They said chess in person feels different and harder than online. I won $5 once. Somehow, I went on a date out of all of it.
I graduated this semester so I won’t be able to do this anymore. But it was honestly one of the best things I’ve done in college and I’ll miss it a lot. If any of the people I played reads this, thanks for sitting down and playing.

Burers
"The result of secret service genetic experiments on criminals under the program of human telekinetic abilities development. A humanoid-type creature of hypertrophied complexion clad in shreds of shabby overalls. Afraid of bright light, therefore dwells in dark and gloomy undergrounds and caves only. Feeds on dead bodies.
Uses gravitation to attack: in close combat forces the enemy back, while capable of levitating heavy objects from the distance. Exhausts its prey, can hit weapons off your hands using directional gravity impulse.
When fighting a Burer, be cautious and don't let him wear you out. Keep moving and shoot him in the head, while at a distance."
From https://cop.stalker-game.com/?page=burer
Controllers
"The secret service genetic experiments on criminals generated a new type of mutants. Controler appears to be one of the top-dangerous monsters in the Zone due to his outstanding telepathic abilities.
He attacks s.t.a.l.k.e.r.s, scientists, the military to kill and eat their body parts or leave them zombified. Once affected, the victim's brain becomes practically incurable. Controller lures animals (rats, smaller hogs, fleshes) to feed on them.
Able to control zombies at distance, forcing them to attack s.t.a.l.k.e.r.s. Prefers to move in a way so as to constantly keep the enemy in sight, thus climbing hills, roofs and trees.
Remnants of black laboratory overalls make for Controler's typical clothing.
Recognize him by half-human face with protruding black eyes, hypertrophied forehead and pulsing ulcers of blisters at temples. Acts with caution. Able of some talking.
Your best tactics against Controler is using shelters and grenades."
From https://cop.stalker-game.com/?page=controler
Fleshes
"I can only hypothesize at this stage... I believe that the Zone was formed as a consequence of some new force. Electromagnetic fields, physical force or radiation couldn't have changed the biosphere so quickly. Obviously, some mutations can be explained by radiation... But, excuse me! An ordinary pig would need hundreds, if not thousands, of years to mutate into flesh! In the Zone the mutation occurred in a couple of years. It's as if someone directly altered the genetic information in individual animals. The thought of that is enough to send shivers down my spine." - Ozersky
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/8zo7DU.jpg
Ozersky's descriptions provide some interesting information that is often unnoticed, concerning the ongoing "evolution" of the Zone, and the fact that fleshes may be the result of some genetic experiments, which implies that they could've been artificially created, akin to some humanoid mutants
Snorks
Snorks were humans once:
"It seems these creatures were human at some point, though it is difficult to imagine what conditions could turn a human being into such disgusting beast. Snorks are insane creatures leading a beast's life and differing little from other carnivorous monsters in the Zone. They move on all fours in long jumps, constantly sniffing the ground in hope of picking up the scent of prey. They hunt carefully, in a calculated manner, frequently setting up ambushes. Thanks to its uncanny reflexes and powerful muscles, the snork can approach the victim, pin it down in one long, accurate jump, and tear it to shreds in a matter of seconds. Strips of army uniforms and other clothing are occasionally found on their bodies. It stands to reason that they are all that's left of missing military stalkers." - PDA entry about snorks in Shadow of Chernobyl
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/9WDY8A.jpg
"Remnants of humans... A lone snork isn't much of a problem for an experienced hunter. You wait for him to jump on you and pump him full of shot in the air. Now, when there's a few of 'em... You've gotta just shoot at them as fast as you can while dodging their jumps. They know this and usually try to attack together." - Gonta
Additional proof: https://snipboard.io/UCGLpw.jpg
Pseudogiants, judging by their human foot hanging from their lower back, their face and even bald spot were most likely humans at 1 point. Pseudogiants are also likely the result of some experiments. So are the bloodsuckers, however the latter are more enigmatic - they almost seem like a different species. Their original description mentions that they are "leftovers" from the experiments that somehow continued to mutate in the Zone on their own. It would make some sense, there is almost nothing "human" about them, and there are several subspecies of them that have adapted to a given environment. But they could also be designed in such way from the start, during the experiments.
Pseudodogs
"Despite the name, the pseudodogs evolved directly from wolves. The animals inhabiting the forests at the time of the catastrophe gave rise to one of the Zone's most dangerous mutant species. Pseudodogs are about as different from mutant dogs as wild wolves differ from poodles. The creatures mark and guard their territory carefully, attacking anyone stupid enough to venture onto their land on sight. Lightning-fast reflexes, uncanny dexterity and razor-sharp teeth make the pseudodog a formidable enemy for large mutants and well-armed stalkers." - PDA entry about them in SoC
"A wolf-type mutant of very aggressive and dangerous nature, even when on his own. Sometimes pseudodogs go hunting with packs of blind dogs and they never attack each other. The creatures mark and guard their territory, fiercely attacking those who dare to tresspass.
Pseudodogs are very enduring and can follow the runaways for a long time. They possess a perfect sense of hearing and smell. Northern pseudodogs have been noted psionic abilities and can attack s.t.a.l.k.e.r.'s mind. Their reaction, mobility and sharp teeth make pseudodogs very challenging enemies for large mutants and well-armed s.t.a.l.k.e.r.s alike."
From https://cop.stalker-game.com/?page=pseudodog

For a bit of back story, my older sister hasnt really been a part of the family. She has been in boarding schools from middle school till uni and only stays a while to visit. I guess this whole family concept is new to her. She used to be the best older sister. I would always brag to my friends about how preety and smart she is even though ive had some horrible experiences with her. She recently graduated uni and is back at home she is looking for a scolarship in Tokyo for her master's ( that I really hope she gets)
My little sister is really wise and calm for an 11 year old but she also has her complaints about her. My older sister tends to ignore people and then pretend to be nice, valuable or a 'saviour' by baking, cooking and cleaning around. She also pretends to be this really smart person and interrupts laughs or makes rude remarks when trying to prove your point in a debate. I have ADHD which is frustrating for my clean freak little sister that i share a room with as i tend to forget things she asked me to do or leave random things all over the room jumping from task to task. My sister and I always bicker but end up making up and I truly put in effort to keep the room clean. On one of these bickering moments my oldersister came into the room and imediatly took her side and ignored anything i had to say and would directly talk to her like im not in the room "Dont worry just ignore her, we all know she doesnt care about anyone" which makes completly no sense at all but whatever.
Im really smart and everyone knows that biology is a subject I'm good at so when my mum was talking about something and i was explaining it to her from a biological stand I was confused to see her mocking and laughing at me and looking at my little sister who was just as stunned as I was. We got into a debate about whether smoking causes cancer or not and i said that it doesnt but has a correlation to which she indirectly said that I'm 'young and stupid' and we aren't here to argue 'semantics' She then went on to use 'big words' in hopes to make me feel dumb but failed terribly. she asked me if i knew what a certain chemical compound was and when I said no she just went completely out of control with her rude attitude and when i confronted her, she just said that "being rude is the only thing that works with me" I, later on, asked my dad who has a high IQ and is super good at all sciences what that compound is and he had no Idea.
My mom recently bought everyone chocolate. I kept mine in my bag but decided to keep it in the fridge a couple days later. both my sisters had eatten their bars so i was surprised to see that my bar was also missing. Im not a fan of the brand and would have let her eat it if she had asked me. I asked my younger sister if she ate it and she said no, my parents dont like sugar which only leaves her in the home. I found out later that she told my mum I ate mine and some of hers, she is really good at manipulating my mother. I also saw her take my earbuds and use them, I asked her if those were mine to which she replied "I dont know what ur talking about" and then put them on and blasted music. I told her I would appreciate if she asked before using my stuff to which she replied "I dont know what ur talking about" and smirked
The next day I took a chocolate she had gotten for herself and hid it. When she asked me where it was i told her i dint know what she was talking about to which she responded to saying stuff under her breath. He had had a physical fight when i was around 13 and she did some damage there but knew not to mess with me now as im bigger and stronger than she is. she complained to our mum saying that money should be deducted from my pockets. I let her believe i ate her chocolate for an hour to let her know how i feel about her taking my things without my permission then i placed her chocolate on the kitchen counter and accidentally knocked yogurt she put in the freezer and promptly cleaned it up. she saw the spilled yogurt and was jeering at me and flinging all sorts of insults. I didn't care and camly cleaned up the mess. I guess she saw the chocolate because its missing from the counter and people in this house dont just take things that dont belong to them.
I'm starting to seriously not like my sister and I dont know what to do about it. she's not all bad but for a 22-year-old.. this is completely unacceptable. there was a time she decided to go vegan and would call the food in the fridge a "grave yard" when i tried to fry an egg she made a disgusted face and called it "chicken period" she also called any kind of meat "corpses" Im guessing she has grown a little from then but ill never forget that easter break she came over. If you ask her about this she will tell you that she would never say 'such a thing' and that 'the human brain creates false memories' and so thats what i must be going through.
I dont want to dislike her because she is family and i have alot of good memories with her but I also will not tolerate nonsense. AITAH for not liking my sister? or hiding her chocolate? I feel bad "playing God" and making her learn a lesson.

The article is intended primarily for Game Masters who play games in systems inspired by Lovecraft’s works, such as Call of Cthulhu or Delta Green. However, I hope that other fans of cosmic horror will also find something for themselves here. The interesting facts presented here may also be interesting for people who do not know the work of The Loner of Providence, but some of the references may be unclear to them. The article contains several anecdotes – either from real history or from beliefs that exist in the real world, and suggestions on how they can be related to the Cthulhu mythology. So read about:

• Sea Peoples, bane of ancient civilizations,
• a forgotten Eldritch abomination from Greek mythology,
• Jan Twardowski, the first man on the Moon,
• mathematicians and physicists who wanted to know the structure of reality and lost their minds,
• one of the most mysterious characters from the Bible and a dark, occult ritual that underlies monotheism.

Invasion of the Sea Peoples
Ancient, super-advanced, fallen civilizations are one of the favorite motifs of fantasy. And truth be told, something similar happened in real history. Of course, in reality, the fallen civilizations did not have sci-fi supertechnology at their disposal, but their collapse still led to great destabilization. We are talking about the invasion of the so-called Sea Peoples, which took place at the turn of the 13th and 12th centuries BC. The Sea Peoples are mobile and warlike groups of people of unknown origin. They caused the collapse of several advanced cultures, including: Mycenaean and Hittite. Only the Egyptians managed to defeat them in a great battle. Well, the material for Lovecraftian inspiration is obvious. A mysterious army, coming out of nowhere, called the „Sea Peoples”, leading to the fall of the most powerful human civilizations at that time? Let us add that, according to some historians, the descendants of the Sea Peoples destroyed by the Egyptians were the Philistines. Yes, the same Philistines, one of whose main deities was the well-known Dagon to Lovecraftomaniacs… Deep Ones say hello. Let us also add that, according to Egyptian records, the tribes of the Sea Peoples had names such as Ekvesh, Teresh, Lucki, Sherden, Shekelesh, Tekel and Peleset. Sounds suitably dark, blasphemous and filthy? If we want to dig deeper, one of the pharaohs who ruled Egypt was Akhenaten – yes, that heretic who tried to replace the worship of traditional Egyptian gods with the religion of the Aten and who is very much liked by conspiracy theorists. Let’s add to the mix that Middle Eastern cultures had quite a negative attitude towards the sea as such. Babylonian Marduk had to defeat the giant monsters of Chaos – Apsu and Tiamat, personifications of fresh and salt waters, respectively. The Bible also contains traces of the myth about the fight between Yahweh and Leviathan, and the Book of Revelation, describing the new, ideal world, emphasizes that „I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.” Let’s assume that the players are researchers of an antiquity – historians, archaeologists, etc. They conduct research on the Sea Peoples. Of course, as common sense dictates, they assume that these were human warriors. However, as time goes on, more and more evidence appears that they were not completely human again, and the evidence of their monstrosity becomes increasingly difficult to put down to the demonization that Egyptian chroniclers used against their enemies… It becomes clear that an onslaught of inhuman and semi-human monsters came from the sea. , trying to conquer the world of that time. Moreover, after their defeat at the hands of the Egyptians, this species did not become extinct, but instead of open conquest it switched to cautious infiltration. Perhaps the Deep Ones have spies in academia who are tasked with eliminating historians who find the trail of truth…
Oh, one more interesting fact connecting the history of the Sea Peoples with Lovecraft. Well, as we know, HPL liked to use the term „Cyclopean” for huge, monumental buildings. At least he didn’t come up with it himself. Well, when the later (and at first more primitive) inhabitants, the Dorians, saw the ruins of destroyed castles left by the Mycenaean culture, they came to the conclusion that such huge buildings could not have been built by human hands, so they were probably the work of mythical giants – cyclopes.
Typhon – a classic but forgotten abomination
Modern works drawing on Greek mythology usually make Hades (completely senseless) or Kronos (a little more) the Big Bad, but they forget about Zeus’s greatest enemy – Typhon. After defeating the titans and then the gigants, the Olympian gods had to face the main boss on the way to dominating the world – Typhon. Here is an example of its description: It was larger than the largest mountains, its head touched the stars. When he stretched out his hands, one reached the eastern ends of the world and the other reached the western ends. Instead of fingers, he had a hundred dragon heads. From the waist down he had a tangle of vipers (yay, tentacles!) and wings at his shoulders. His eyes were shooting out flames. In other versions of the myth, Typhon was a flying, hundred-headed dragon. In any case – appearance and stature worthy of the Great Old One. Typhon attacked Olympus, and all the gods except Zeus fled in panic. The supreme god took up the fight… and lost it. Only in the second duel did he manage to defeat Typhon, but not kill him – he only imprisoned him, hitting him with Etna. In the sense of a mountain. A volcano – and volcanic activity is the result of Typhon’s anger, trying to break free. Typhon equaled the lord of heaven not only in strength, but in fertility. His wife was Echidna, about whom Hesiod wrote: „She also gave birth to another creature, invincible, huge, unlike neither men nor immortal gods, in a hollow cave – the divine violent Echidna, half a sharp-eyed young girl, with beautiful cheeks, half a huge snake, a great and powerful, spotted, cruel – in the depths of the holy land. This pair spawned many, if not most, of the monsters found in Greek mythology. Their offspring were very diverse and strange, as befits the spawn of enemies of the divine order, including: – Ladon, the hundred-headed dragon who never slept and guarded the apples that gave immortality, – Cerberus – we all know the dog guarding the gates of hell… but not all of us know that, according to some accounts, it had not three heads, but as many as 50, it was also covered with scales, and it had a snake by its tail… so what does this have to do with a dog? – Scylla – this lady inherited the most from the human, beautiful part of Echidna… at least initially, but eventually, as a result of various perturbations, she turned from a beautiful nymph to her siblings, becoming a six-headed sea beast, so hideous, according to Homer, that even the gods could not stand sight of her – she dwelt in a cave, from where she opened her mouth to devour the crews of ships, – Gorgons – I mean, those ladies with snake hair, not monstrous bulls. Medusa was one of them – the story that Athena turned her priestess into a monster as punishment for being raped by Poseidon is an invention of later poets, – Lernaean Hydra – a multi-headed monster with many reptilian or human heads. In place of each severed head, two others grew, and in addition, the main head was completely immortal – therefore, after chopping off the mortal heads, Heracles had to burn the stumps and bury the immortal, still hissing head underground. Hydra’s breath was poisonous. – various other creatures, such as the Sphinx, the dog Ortus, the Nemean Lion or the Chimera. Each of these descendants has the potential to be portrayed as an Eldritch abomination in its own right. To be precise – according to some accounts, the father of these creatures (and Echidna herself) was Typhon, but a monstrous, ancient (older than Poseidon) sea god, Phorcys. How to use Typhon? Well, Typhon clearly has the potential to be a Great Old One, imprisoned by… Nodens? Some other Elder God? Weak gods of humanity? Maybe his cult is trying to free him from Etna? What if he succeeds? What might distinguish Typhon from many other Great Old Ones? I would recommend focusing on his monster progenitor aspect – if he manages to reunite with Echidna, they will immediately start spawning various blasphemous beasts in series.
Jan Twardowski – the first man on the Moon
Jan (John) Twardowski, the hero of the legend, a Polish nobleman who allegedly sold his soul to the devil and became a sorcerer. Probably a historical figure, according to legend he lived in the 16th century and became famous for summoning the spirit of the deceased queen for King Sigismund Augustus. The ghost allegedly appeared in the mirror. This mirror is still kept in the church in Węgrów. According to legend, when the terms of the pact were fulfilled, devils came to kidnap Twardowski to hell. Interestingly, instead of taking the sorcerer’s soul after death, the most material demons appeared and grabbed Twardowski in order to kidnap him bodily, alive… and instead of heading towards the underground, which in legends is considered the traditional place of residence of demons and damned souls, they began to carry away up with him. At some point, Twardowski started singing religious songs, which caused the demons to escape, leaving him on the Moon, where he is said to have stayed ever since. Could the “demons” actually be extraterrestrials? Maybe mi-go? Maybe Twardowski was their agent and obtained secret knowledge and technology from them that gave him the fame of a sorcerer? As part of his studies, did he acquire knowledge of a system of sounds („religious songs”) that was able to drive away his masters when they decided that his usefulness on Earth had ended and it was time to transport him to a space base where he would be transformed into a brain in jar? Or was transportation to the Moon part of the deal from the beginning? Oh, one more interesting fact – according to legends, Twardowski used to use a rooster as a horse, which he enlarged with his magic. It’s easy to imagine an abomination that, in the eyes of laymen, might have resembled a large rooster… Examples of scenario hooks: – Twardowski’s secret mirror is still in the church in Węgrów. The local priest thinks it is just other „pagan” superstitions, but in fact it is a tool enabling contact with cosmic beings and higher realities. It may prove useful to players if they convince the priest to give it back or simply steal it. – Players are looking for Twardowski’s notes to gain knowledge about the „song” thanks to which he drove away mi-go (or other creatures that became the prototype of the „devils” from the legend). The so-called Twardowski’s „School” or „Cathedral” was located in a quarry near Kraków. In fact, at the end of the 19th century, during the construction of the church of St. Józef, a cave showing traces of alchemical experiments was discovered… And it was destroyed. But perhaps there is a second, secret laboratory under the cave that escaped destruction? And there lie Twardowski’s secrets… And again, potential obstacles may be placed by the local parish priest. But not only him. Maybe Twardowski’s legendary „rooster” lies dormant in the laboratory and was left by the sorcerer as a guard? – players are astronauts on the Moon. However, it turns out that someone lives here, someone who was not detected by previous expeditions and probes. Will Twardowski prove to be an ally in the fight against cosmic horrors? Or maybe their agent, or an independent villain? If he survived this long on the Moon thanks to blasphemous secrets, it’s possible that he had little humanity left…
The rest of the text is avalaible (of course, for free) here: https://adeptusrpg.wordpress.com/2024/05/13/some-lovecraftian-inspiration-form-real-life-and-beliefs/

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.

Ok so, my girlfriend (F20) and I (M21) have been together for the past 5 years, 7 months ago she left me because she had a crush on my friend and soon regretted her decision because she says “she can’t live without me, and there is no way what we have can be replaced”. So of course because I’m so in love with her I took her back with arms wide open… though it is definitely harder than I thought it would be, I still think it’s worth every effort in building that trust again because she came back very remorseful and I believe she learned from that experience.
Of course my self-esteem got completely destroyed in the process (I had problems with my self-worth before that so that didn’t help). I feel very very depressed ever since that happened but I still try my best to light up her world everyday because I still love her very much.
But only as I thought I couldn’t feel worse, she introduced me to her new friend last week, and it was like a lightning strike, I felt like this women was the love of my life instantly, I felt in love literally. Nothing sexual, no lust, just pure bliss. I can’t stop thinking about her ever since.
I know that it’s 100% an illusion since I do not know this person very much, but my feelings are very real and it hurts like hell. I feel like I’m loosing my mind! I can’t stand myself anymore… What do I do? Any help would be much appreciated!
tl;dr My girlfriend left me for someone else only to come back very remorseful a couple of weeks later, I took her back, been feeling depressed ever since, so my wonderful human brain thought it would me a great idea to make me even more miserable by having the biggest crush on my girlfriend’s friend… help me :(

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.

I’m starting an educational series on Kundalini Shakti and related topics, to clear up some misconceptions and reduce confusion in this field. This is a crosspost from KundaliniAwakening , but seeing it is relevant to the topics discussed on this subreddit, I thought I’d post it here too, in case anyone’s interested.
I’ll start with a primer on Kundalini itself.

In Hindu philosophy, the outflowing, creative aspect of God is known as Shakti. This Shakti becomes Mahamaya, which is the Grand Illusion, our entire created universe, basically. Mahamaya becomes Prakriti or Mother Nature and gives birth to all living things, hence we often call her the Divine Mother and this Shakti aspect of God is therefore seen as feminine.

In a human body and many other living things, Shakti manifests as Kundalini, which means “coiled”. Symbolically, this energy of creation is depicted as a serpent, coiled three and a half times around itself. It enters the egg upon conception and is responsible for the growth and evolution of a single cell into a many-cell organism, a fetus and then eventually a baby. It not only provides the motive power for life and growth, but is the intelligence behind the development of life itself. It provides the holographic blueprint for it, so to speak. Once the energy had fulfilled its purpose and the growth of the multi-cell organism is well under way and the requisite energy bodies (subtle sheaths or koshas), into which the physical body grows and around which it develops, are fully formed, it retreats into its dormant state and goes to sleep.

In most humans (though we cannot be sure about animals and other intelligent living beings), it remains dormant throughout a person’s life and plays no further role in its life. Over thousands of years, yogis and other mystics have figured out ways by which this energy can be awakened and its immense power of creation be used for beneficial, or in some case harmful purposes. What they have discovered, is that once awakened, this Kundalini Shakti becomes the vehicle for enlightenment and is also responsible for awakening certain psychic and healing powers in the individual, known as siddhis.

Kundalini Shakti rests at the base of the spine, in an energy centre known as muladhara, the root. When awakened, it moves through subtle energy channels, known as Shakti Nadis, the main one of which is located inside the spine, called Sushumna, through which Kundalini usually rises, though other side channels can also be a host for this energy.
Along the spine, there are subtle energy centres, corresponding to nerve clusters, where Kundalini Shakti initiates a cleansing process, bringing up stored memories, trauma and karma (the energetic imprints or memories of past actions and their consequences). Once dealt with, which can take from months to years, the energy moves on to the next centre to continue with the clearing process. Overall, this process can take from years to lifetimes. On the path of yoga, no progress is ever lost, so should someone die before the clearing / purification process is complete, they will continue where they left off in the next life.
In some cases, the energy can shoot straight up the spine and enter the brain, without warning or preparation. This is highly undesirable and can lead to many problems mentally, psychologically and physically. Such spontaneous rising events are usually triggered by trauma, including blunt force trauma to the coccyx, drug use, forced methods of Kundalini activation, or through Shaktipat, when another person passes on their own Shakti energy to someone else, triggering a sudden activation and awakening in them.
The problem with such sudden rising events is that a person needs to go through substantial inner work and purification, before they are ready for the energy to rise all the way to the head and thus trigger a substantial rewiring of the brain and nervous system, which can feel like a complete death and rebirth, as the person will essentially go through psychological growing pains as if they were entirely born again.
In the traditional yogic system, the purification is done by Shakti herself, going gradually from one centre to the next, as she rises. In other systems, such as Kriya Yoga, the purification process is done from the top to the bottom, so that by the time the root is reached, the energy can rise without obstruction and without triggering any negative side effects.
I am simplifying here, as there are many different types of rising, but these are the main ones.
The purpose of Kundalini Shakti and the rising process, is to evolve a human from their current, limited state to a higher one, where they are much more able to fulfil their potential. In the end, it can enable a person to experience enlightenment, to transcend their ego and merge back into source, returning to non-dual consciousness. Basically, these are complicated words to express the simple truth, through Kundalini, one can return home.
Inside us, we all have this feeling, that we don’t quite belong, that there is something greater, better out there, where we come from and where we long to return. This “home” we can all intuitively feel is the collective consciousness or oversoul known as Brahman. That portion of Brahman which we claim as our own is called Atman or Self, but it is a distinction without a difference.
Through Kundalini, we can awaken to our soul’s true purpose, we can become what we were always meant to be and feel “at home” and “whole again”. All other pursuits are ultimately fruitless, because they leave us empty, wanting, always longing for more, the real thing.
Only Kundalini is worth pursuing in this life, it is my contention, that we were born and keep getting born, specifically and only to awaken Kundalini and complete its ascent, then integrate it fully into our very energetic and psychic makeup. We will be born again and again until we complete this task, then finally, we can graduate from the school of life (samsara) and as fully mature and self-realised souls we can return home, to the “place” or state of being we all come from.
There is no one way by which this can be achieved, we all have a unique path to follow. One path isn’t better than the rest, it simply is more suited to a given individual. Our paths have all been laid out for us before we were born, I’m certain of that. In most cases, we were given a preview of the coming life and agreed to fulfil it to the best of our abilities. Then, as we go on in life, certain pre-planned milestones and events take us inevitably towards our true purpose. Souls have different maturity levels, so only a small proportion of us are destined to go all the way in this lifetime, but with each life we take a further step towards liberation.

Ok so, my girlfriend (F20) and I (M21) have been together for the past 5 years, 7 months ago she left me because she had a crush on my friend and soon regretted her decision because she says “she can’t live without me, and there is no way what we have can be replaced”. So of course because I’m so in love with her I took her back with arms wide open… though it is definitely harder than I thought it would be, I still think it’s worth every effort in building that trust again because she came back very remorseful and I believe she learned from that experience.
Of course my self-esteem got completely destroyed in the process (I had problems with my self-worth before that so that didn’t help). I feel very very depressed ever since that happened but I still try my best to light up her world everyday because I still love her very much.
But only as I thought I couldn’t feel worse, she introduced me to her new friend last week, and it was like a lightning strike, I felt like this women was the love of my life instantly, I felt in love literally. Nothing sexual, no lust, just pure bliss. I can’t stop thinking about her ever since.
I know that it’s 100% an illusion since I do not know this person very much, but my feelings are very real and it hurts like hell. I feel like I’m loosing my mind! I can’t stand myself anymore… What do I do? Any help would be much appreciated!
tl;dr My girlfriend left me for someone else only to come back very remorseful a couple of weeks later, I took her back, been feeling depressed ever since, so my wonderful human brain thought it would me a great idea to make me even more miserable by having the biggest crush on my girlfriend’s friend… help me :(

Edit: What Prompted me to ask what other people think, is that other teachers I have asked, have shared a similar experience. Very frustrated with adult students unable to perform basic musical tasks.
I am a music teacher. I love my job apart from one thing. Teaching adults. Seeing full grown adult human beings with full time jobs, degrees, and somehow unable to count to 4 in even intervals... Makes my skin crawl.
For some context, I'm not some prodigy musician. I'm fuckin average AT BEST. I play guitar, bass, drums, keys, vox, and can work a recording/live sound booth. I have solid fundamentals with no issues, and a decent grasp around music theory essentials. Overall I have largely taught myself pretty much all my instruments. In the beginning I learned guitar by just watching guitar covers on youtube and copying them. Before you could slow down videos I would bandicam them and slow it down in windows movie maker. Learned by hand. I hated tabs, and had no issue learning things like smoke on the water, or tnt, or welcome to paradise from one of my older cousins. So my 10 year old brain said that youtube was definitely the most efficient route. Anyway fast forward a couple years my parents said I earned lessons (I had quit most of my other vocations they provided), and I had proved I could stick with a hobby. Learned how to solo, improv with logic, write songs even. Fun time, but at no point was it ever difficult. Yes it took time, that doesn't mean it was difficult to me. I never felt very frustrated, and there was never a moment I didn't understand what was going on. As opposed to every other area of my childhood like school; guitar and rock music was the only thing that naturally made complete and total sense the entire way thorough.
Now for my actual point; I do not understand how in some cases, after 20-50 years, someone could possibly be unable to clap their hands to an 80 bpm metronome. Unable to keep track of the frets when they have markers for every odd number. Going to blank spaces when I say frets like 5 or 7. Going to the completely opposite end of the guitar, and looking at me confused. It seriously baffles me. And I get it yes these people are paying me I should be grateful, but after a certain point... They have such a disconnection to music and art as a whole, that I no longer believe that everyone is capable of playing music. These adult students, feel like some of the dumbest people on the planet that I've ever met. They are completely incapable of even operating the instrument, to a capacity that would even allow them to learn. In some cases, like as if they've never even heard the song they know all the words to, and requested to learn on guitar or drums etc. It's like these people have no ears. I have always been of the opinion music is very primal. To me music, rhythm especially, sounds like english. I don't need to learn it, I've been hearing it so much since birth that I speak it. Every TV show, commercial, public school music class. To me music was literally, "let's just bang on shit and see what it sounds like." And then automatically realizing "oh nice if I put it in a pattern and play it an even number of times it's music, sweet." Yeah did I have to improve technique, learn how to make the sounds I was hearing over time, etc? Well yeah of course, but it was never hard. Each new technique, chord, what have you was a breeze. Maybe because music was so prevalent in the house? But then I remember, these people are also mentioning how important rock music was to the family home when they grew up. Now I'm back to square one. What could possibly be the difference between my dumbass, who failed algebra twice, and the dude working a 6 figure job twice my age?
I keep these opinions to myself, and have no struggles keeping private thoughts private in the moment. I am always positive with them, and never mention that I am floored by their inability to complete the task. I always put emphasis that if they don't understand something; it's on me to find a different angle to explain it. I have 3 adult students who do have their heads screwed on straight when it comes to this stuff. And they are able to learn to play. But at a certain point I don't know if I can help you, if it's going to take over a month to learn to clap your damn hands to the song you listen to every day.
I'm sorry if I sound like an asshole, but this is frustrating to no end. I even feel bad, these people have no chance at being able to play, and are still paying me. Taking it super slow, easy songs, seven nation army, smoke on the water, taylor swift, katy perry, whole notes, fucking whole notes?????? We can only go through this basic stuff so many times, and I think I've exhausted every method of explaining 4/4 and how to use your fingers one at a time. I don't know what to tell these people anymore.
Sidenote: The younglings are a different story because sometimes the parents force their kids to go when the kids aren't even interested. That's really no problem. I always focus on making it about music as a fun art form to consume and think about. Basic songs, no expectations, talking about music history, band recommendation's. The kids that are interested have no issue picking it up. Some are like the adults, where they can't keep a beat to save their life, but since they are young I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt they can still figure it out.

I like and hate myself at the same time
I'm scared that I'm gonna disappointed a lot of people
List thing that I have tried but didn't work
Just signup BK for tomorrow but I'm not sure if it can help
you know what?
I'm back to depresed hole again. TLDR I'm known as college student who keep failed at my skripsi.
IDK I think I'm weird because I'm feeling my life just gonna be fine if I not graduate, but I know this is just on my mind.
The real life latter will make me begging and reggret that I should have finish my skripsi.
I don't feel like doing anything again.
Today I just sleep for 12 hours, but I remember I had appointment with lecturer at 1PM.
My head hurts when waking up, I know it gonna hurt because I do this thing on some occasion in the past when I want to torture myself with strong headache.
I want to escape again, by turning off my phone. But I don't want my family come to my 'kost', because I make them worried.
My father keep nagging me about my progress too and I think he send message to my lecturer -_-,
So I'm thinking by just ignoring all the notifications.
But I have deal with my friend, he say gonna message me twice a day to ask about my progress. If I skip a day I need to pay 50k. Which is a lot for me.
Just lie to my friend that I had progress? nope, I still want to be kind and honest human being despite living in Indonesia.
But IDK why I can't be kind to myself. I'm already 26yo.
Today I set my foot on campus again after a long time (last consultation with lecturer is before ramadahan).
You know what? I'm so envy of their young age, when they can just play around and just talking about shit, anything.
I want to tell them to be persistent, focus and obsesisve to thing you want to accomplish. But who am I to tell them that?
I hope they just didn't become like me and can graduate on time.
Why I'm typing this thing again when I have to focus on skripsi?
IDK, because everytime I open my skripsi I feel tired and just want to sleep, laying on bed with my phone, reading and watching a lot of things (anything except skripsi)
Actually I have feeling like this too in the past and the solution is by writing checklist. checklist about what step by step in detailed manner to do a thing in atomic format.
Basically to stop scaring my brain and stop my false imagination about how hard this is

1. open office app
   
2. open the skripsi file
   
3. just read the title
   
4. read until you bored maybe 5m
   
5. read again the next page
   
6. open second app put on the right side of the office app
   
7. write a list of thing you should fix but don't fix it
   
8. just read read read until you bored
   

eventually the feeling to write and fix thing from the list is gonna appear
BUT ...
IDK, the action need to be done is just
READ, SEARCH and WRITE?
how hard it is? nope, is so simple yet lkafjdsafsldjkljasfdkkljdfsakjladsfjklfadsasldfjkadsfjlkadsflkjadslfkjasdflkjafhupqweifqwoefnasdlkfj
I hate writing skripsi docs because I can't see the result is right or wrong, if I think this is already right by just working on it by an hour.
Sometime it wrong by my lecturers and he give some explation why it wrong that most of the time I agreed as well.
But If I keep working on it until I feel this is perfect, it gonna need more than an hour and that make me feel lazy to working on it.
I like coding the app, making stuff work, the compiler always tell me what wrong in mere seconds or minutes. I can lookup the solution as long as it takes and it still fun.
because the compiler always say what wrong instanstly.
But the fact that I need to sync the skripsi docs and the application make me lazy to coding the skripsi project again.
It really make me want to code other thing but I end up using it as a escape from skrispi work.
*oh it's ashar, ok bye, thanks once again for people who always support me, now I want to rant to god (I know I just need to patient with the work and result but F why I'm like this)
*wiring this on text app, copy into reddit and it have many whitespace, sorry

It's gonna get bumpier, guys! Just my theory/feelings, so feel free to disagree. In my decades of EMS/fire service, 13 yrs of ER and ICU duty in a "substance triangle hub", I've seen my fair share of users. Lisa is sadly not going to be here much longer. It is what SHE wants. She didn't change when each kid was handed away. She didn't change when her man left her for another woman (one who didn't lay in bed all day, gorked out of their gourd). Lisa has zero self-awareness, pride, or empathy for others. It isn't all the substance either. Face it, she's an unlikeable, entitled, lazy human who has chosen rock over her kids, family, and life. Unfortunately, Lisa is showing signs of brain damage. That phone recording a few days ago that someone posted? That was more than just being wasted. More like a TIA. When she nodded early this morning, did you notice the hand tremors? How her eyeballa in the 3rd nod went in different directions? She's exhibiting neuro symptoms and that is a bad sign. When they become obvious, you are dying. Literally beginning to run to that bright light. Problem is, Lisa wants that. She doesn't want to get clean. She doesn't want Jace back. She wants her substances and that is it. She's going to get more and more unhinged in her behaviour now. Once drug-induced brain damage begins, it progresses quickly unless the person stops using. The ONLY hope at this point is if she misbehaves on the street, at the store, in the car, amd the cops are called. Seems in her area, folks tend to just ignore "the whack-a-doodles" since the cops are understaffed. What's sad is that the internet is forever. All those tt streams, YT clips, those are what Lisa's kids will have to remember their Mum by. They'll see how she never cared about them, but about having strangers send her money to get FUBAR'd. She could have been their hero after Cole died. Too bad she was too weak.

I love this game alot. It’s almost been 5 years since it came out and it’s still…Just….Like my favorite thing. I think the storytelling is really interesting because of how the “author” never has an agenda about what the player should believe, only the characters do. So the values that are presented just genuinely conflict, and the ”author” never does anything to make sitting in the middle easy, so you’re forced to genuinely consider how you yourself feel about what’s going on. The game could have easily been ”Choose one of three characters to play as and observe the story through” but Byleth changes how the story plays out completely. And yes they’re a “self insert” for the player to relate to but they’re also way more than that. I love how through your first playthrough they really do feel like a self insert, but by your second playthrough, you know more than Byleth does— all of a sudden Byleth’s feelings are BYLETH’S alone, while the player experiences their own feelings. And this is really interesting because of what I said about the author having no “agenda”. Even if your knuckles are white and you absolutely don’t agree with the people you’ve sided with, Byleth will not remain neutral. Ultimately, they are their own character, and they don’t know half as much as the player or the author. So they can never offer a comfortable middle ground for the player to default to. This game is so difficult emotionally to play, because the author will never validate your feelings or your beliefs— and his characters will disagree just as much as they agree with you. The characters are so REAL because of this. And I said that makes it difficult emotionally but that’s part of what I love about it. It’s thought provoking. Genuinely. Obviously it’s not perfect I don’t need anyone telling me why I’m “wrong” because this is just my opinion, and the fact is that in MY opinion the flaws do not withdraw enough to go unappreciated for what is good. I don’t think that was a coherent sentence I haven’t slept right in like 5 days but if you’re still reading this I’ll take my chances and keep talking. I think that it does something with its storytelling that could not be explored in any other medium and it excels at it. The characters are alive. They are real. Because the “moral” of the story isn’t cut and dry, it doesn’t fully agree or disagree with anyone because the “point” is that everyone in the world is trying their BEST. Even the Agarthans, alot of people hate them because they’re “mustache twirling villains” but I love how 3hopes expanded upon them with Arval. Even if those pieces were added after the fact, these games (and every game) are made by humans, and the willingness to improve (exponentially) upon a story in a SPIN-OFF is, I think, evidence of just how much the people who made it care. And that’s what I love about storytelling. I love it when people care. And maybe that’s me praising the bare minimum but I don’t think thats a stupid thing to celebrate. And back to the “moral” of the story, people doing their best, this game is genuinely uncomfortable to play most of the time and I think that’s why people argue so much about it— but I think that the sheer emotion these arguments have is evidence of just how bizarre and POWERFUL the method the story is told in is. It’s unconventional. It’s not typically advised to make your “reader” feel like a horrible fucking person for doing what they believe in, and even if other stories follow a similar “morally-grey” narrative, I don’t think that alot of videogames really utilize the power of forcing the player to PARTICIPATE in those things. Or, when they do, the “author”— some perspective that is above the characters in the story— makes the point that “This is maybe not the best decision, but, in light of the circumstances, there isn’t any other way to get this done.” Three houses completely shits on that by avoiding the middle-man, there is no higher power telling the player how they should perceive what’s going on, so every time you play through a route, you are confronted with the fact that EVERYONE is convinced that their way is the ONLY way— and they’re RIGHT, because none of them, as people, would ever be able to settle for anything else. But there isn’t a narrator telling you that. The game is so uncomfortable because you have to realize that for yourself, even after playing one or more routes that you favor. That’s a valuable fucking lesson and it could not be portrayed to this extent in anything but a video game. And maybe I’m dumb for analyzing a video game based on its ability to tell a “message” but that’s what storytelling is for. Stories grow people. They teach them about themselves. They force people to look at the world in a different way. That’s what they are to me anyway. And three houses has changed me. Literally and I don’t care how fucking embarrassing it is to say that about a fire emblem game. I could write 5 essays on how the characters and themes in this game have made me a better person and I could write 10 more about how it got me through the worst years of my life. Part of me wants to just gush and write all 15 of those but ultimately I feel like I’d just be trying to “prove” myself to myself by trying to convince myself that it’s not stupid to care so much about a video game, but I don’t want to care anymore! I fucking love this game! I appreciate it! It makes me happy! And besides narrative and shit it’s so much FUN even when the map design is shit that hasn’t stopped me from playing it 12 times to come up with the dumbest fucking builds just for fun. Reunion at dawn is an ass chapter but i Just think that’s funny. I no longer fear hell after playing that shit on maddening 3 times jeebaleeba you can tell my brain is dissolving like a chlorine tablet because now all of my filler words are just swears. Fuck. Sorry. Thank you for reading. I doubt anyone will read this. But hopefully someone will. Thanks anyway. The way I see it, people should talk more about what they like just ’because’, I like hearing people do that so hopefully this isn’t just annoying. Ta ta. Tallyho gamer boys and gamer girls and gamers remember to stay hdrated and get sleep shnooooozzeee

“What do you mean it’s wrong?” said Tamara, becoming frustrated with Samuel.
“I'm trying to tell you that plants do not eat earth. They just absorb nutrients from it,” Samuel replied, equally annoyed as this was the fourth time he had explained it. “Look, just take my word for it, OK,” he added.
“Fine, but you will have to explain it again,” Tamara retorted.
Samuel and Tamara were partners in a scientific study of their forest home. It was genuinely idyllic in every sense of the word; the trees stretched high into the sky, and everyone was covered in succulent leaves, a deep and gorgeous shade of green. Around their trunks were rings of flowers gathered from every continent, and a thick carpet of grass lay on the ground.
The two sat underneath a chestnut tree, writing up their findings for the day. It had focused mainly on tree sizes and growth rates, and they had continued this study for, on and off, almost a year.
Samuel turned to look at his assistant and found that she was just as remarkable as the day they had first met: golden locks, like living sunlight, tied neatly in a bun. Her eyes were an emerald green, and all in all, she was gorgeous. However, it was when you came to her waist that things became truly incredible because rather than a pair of legs, there was a long and wide snake’s tail.
It was huge, at least seven metres long and as wide as her torso. The scales were the same beautiful colour as her hair and reflected the sunlight in such a way that she appeared to glow. She was wearing an ultramarine tunic with a black diamond in the centre. She was like this not because of a plague, a curse or some mutation; Tamara was a Lamia; it was how she was born.
Samuel, on the other hand, looked far less impressive. He was around five foot ten, with dull brown hair and equally dull eyes. His stomach stuck out from the rest of him. No amount of exercise was able to get rid of it.
He was by every description a ‘dull as dishwater’ human. His clothes, however, were slightly more interesting. He wore a navy blue tunic with a thick leather belt wrapped around his waist. On his feet was a pair of excellent leather boots, able to withstand whatever the world threw at them and on his forearms and shins, he wore something Tamara had never seen or even heard of before: a pair of vambraces and greaves, Samuel called it armour.
Three strips of rugged leather layered on top of one another made up each piece, and between each layer was a collection of tiny metal beads. When Tamara asked what they were for, Samuel said they were for protection.
All of this would have been inconceivable to Samuel two years ago, but he had become used to it in time. Samuel was not born into this world; he had arrived. How? He did not know, but he remembered it all vividly; his senses had been overloaded, and at first, he believed he had died.
“What’s wrong?” Tamara asked Samuel, who had been silent for over a minute.
Samuel snapped out of his daydream and said: “nothing, just thinking about that day again.”
Tamara nodded and said nothing else; she knew exactly what was wrong.
Samuel went straight back to writing. When Samuel first showed up, there had been no paper or pens, but what was even stranger than the lack of these apparent necessities was that Samuel had had to invent both of these items.
Tamara and those like her did not possess a written language; they relied entirely on their memories, and until Samuel had shown up, Tamara had not even conceived of the notion, but she had picked it up astonishingly quickly.
“It still sounds like eating to me,” said Tamara, bringing the conversation back to the original topic.
“Well, it isn’t; eating requires a mouth and stomach,” Samuel replied.
“Says who?” Tamara asked defiantly.
“Says me,” Samuel answered.
Samuel jotted down the last of his notes and left the pages to dry in the sun. Samuel then turned to his right and looked at a large book, the size of a chair’s seat, bound in yellow leather and knotted by animal tendons. He picked it up and began to leaf through the pages.
His eyes glanced over paragraphs about oak trees and orchid flowers until he finally reached the section he sought; the page was titled Silver Birch (Betula Pendula).
“Have you finished the drawing on Silver Birch yet?” Samuel asked without looking.
Tamara was currently focused on a drawing of sunflowers, but she understood his request and, without looking up or saying a word, handed him the picture he wanted.
Samuel took the drawing and took several moments admiring it. Like all her work, the picture was astounding; not only did it look like an actual Silver Birch, but it also seemed to be alive, as though it would start blowing in the breeze.
Samuel punched four holes along the sheet's left side, undid the tendon strings and then attached the drawing behind the title page. He added eight more pages to his book, four of text and four illustrations.
Their work was now done; there was no more writing or drawing today, and he placed their work into a knapsack Tamara had brought with her. Samuel turned to his partner and asked: “so what do you want to do now?”
Tamara looked up through the canopy and could make out the silhouettes of several birds and finally said: “I’d quite like to fly.”
Samuel smiled, chuckled and said, “Yes, so would I, but that would require every member of the village working together for decades.”
Tamara looked Samuel in the eye and said: “are you making fun of me?”
Samuel did not reply; he just looked Tamara dead in the eye. She observed every minute twitch on Samuel's face and concluded he was not.
“How could a person fly?” She asked, suddenly intrigued.
“I don’t know, I’m not an engineer,” Samuel answered, “So apart from flying, what else do you want to do?”
Tamara let out a sigh and said: “I guess we will just have to walk.”
These were the moments Samuel lived for, just a quiet afternoon with his best friend enjoying a stroll; he was utterly content.
“You seem chipper,” Tamara said, noticing the growing smile on Samuel’s face.
“That’s because I feel chipper” he replied
They passed through the trees, heading towards their favourite spot, a beach by the side of a lake so large you could not see the other side.
“So, how is everyone?” Samuel said, trying to spark a conversation.
“You mean every single one because that could take a while?” Tamara replied.
“Let’s start with your mother” he clarified.
Tamara’s mother, Pancha, was more or less just a larger version of her daughter, just as brash and headstrong.
“She’s fine; she has finally stopped asking me what happened every time I come to meet you,” she said.
“Really, and it only took her two and a half years,” said Samuel with a smirk.
Yes, that first year here, had been a real trial. Samuel had never felt so scared, isolated and persecuted in his life. When he thought about it, he could still feel the fear and the hopelessness.
A gust of air slammed into Samuel’s face, bringing him back to the present, and what a wonderful time it was. The water was crystal clear, the beach was covered in sparkling white sand, and the distinct aroma of water wafted through the air. Samuel breathed it all in as Tamara spread herself over the beach.
The cooling breeze that Samuel found so enjoyable, Tamara found far less agreeable. Tamara was ectothermic or cold-blooded. She could not maintain her body temperature; she needed to absorb it from her environment, and the wind was slowly draining her.
“Comfortable down there?” Samuel asked.
Tamara turned her head, looked up at him and said: “Actually, yes, not as good as my bed, but still fine.”
Samuel left Tamara to her thermoregulation and strolled down to the water’s edge, “stay where I can see you!” Tamara called.
“Yes, MOM,” Samuel answered sarcastically, though he knew it was more for Tamara’s sake than his; she had a problem with open spaces.
Samuel closed his eyes, stretched his arms above his head, feeling his muscles strain against the tension, and yawned. Small tears formed in his eyes and wiped them away. He had only been up for a few hours but was ready for bed.
“Too much thinking, that was the problem,” Samuel mumbled to himself.
The sunlight sparkled on the water’s surface. It seemed as though millions of diamonds were suddenly brought into existence, danced for a few moments, and then vanished as quickly as they came. It was beautiful, just like everything else here.
He climbed up a rock that jutted from that sand and sat down, his legs dangling over the edge. As he kicked his legs, a ray of sun caught his greaves, and although the leather was rather dull, it still dazzled him.
Samuel heard a sound reminiscent of sandpaper brushing against wood, and he knew at once what it was. He waited four more seconds and said, without moving an inch, “Don’t even think about it!”
“How did you know?” Tamara asked, feeling simultaneously impressed, confused and disappointed.
Samuel looked her in the eye and replied: “who do you think you’re dealing with?”
Tamara had not clambered up the rock like Samuel; she had simply raised herself on her tail so she stood over two metres high.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked.
Tamara smiled and answered, “yes, thanks for asking.”
Tamara moved behind Samuel and then began to coil around the boulder, and if he had not experienced it all before, it would have been unnerving. Tamara was only twelve and a half, yet she was already far stronger than him. Samuel was sure if Tamara really wanted to, she could crush a bison to death. After the graceful dance around the stone, she sat down beside Samuel.
The pair was silent for a few minutes, except for a quick coughing fit by Samuel; they took in the unnatural beauty of their surroundings.
“Hey, I have a question,” said Tamara, coming back to her senses.
“What is it?” Samuel replied.
“You still haven’t told me why we are studying the forest?” She asked.
In an instant, Samuel became deeply confused. To him, it seemed all too obvious why they were doing it.
“There is no practical reason for doing it. We do it so that we know,” Samuel answered.
Tamara became silent. Samuel realised that she was deep in thought and decided to give her all the time she needed until she finally said: “Is this one of those human things?”
Samuel, upon hearing this, gave a small chuckle and answered: “yes, if you like.”
Suddenly, something caught Samuel’s eye. It was a crab, no bigger than a golf ball. Its back was powder blue, and it held its arms upright, its claws pointing down. The tiny creature would walk forward, scoop some sand into its mouth, and then leave a small pellet behind.
“Look at that!” said Samuel, nudging Tamara’s shoulder and pointing at the tiny crustacean. Tamara turned her head and looked directly at where he was pointing; she strained her eyes at what she thought was a pebble; she was about to climb down and collect it when it suddenly moved, and she squealed.
Tamara dragged the bottom end of her tail up from the beach and timidly said, “What’s that?”
Samuel remembered that tone of voice all too well, and it brought with it some unpleasant memories, but he pushed them to the back of his mind and said: “it’s a crab.”
Samuel was certain he had seen this type of crab before but could not put a name to the image. Samuel was sure he had read about them, watched a documentary, or attended a lecture, but he could not remember. Ultimately, he decided to drop it for now and see if the answer would come to him.
Tamara kept staring at it as though she believed it would pounce if she took her eyes off it for one second.
“Is it dangerous?” she asked, her voice hushed to ensure the creature did not notice her.
Samuel sighed and answered: “it’s a crab, Tamara, unless you happen to be a nematode then…”
Samuel paused mid-sentence as his brain finally connected the dots and asked, “Wait, you have never seen a crab before?”
This perplexed Samuel for a moment until he remembered that Tamara did not have a television, a car, and she could not fly a plane, so it was not unexpected that she would not know what a crab was.
Tamara shook her head in response to his question, and Samuel added: “you know what a woodlouse is, right?”
Tamara nodded and said, “I like woodlice.”
“Well, a crab is just a type of woodlouse that lives near water,” Samuel concluded.
However, he could tell from her face that she was unconvinced, so he got off the rock, walked over to the tiny creature, wary of its pincers, and picked it up by its backside.
“What are you doing?” Tamara called in alarm.
Samuel held the animal, its legs flailing wildly in an attempt to escape, and said, “showing you there is nothing to be worried about.”
Taking care not to crush it, Samuel clambered back up the rock and presented the animal to her. Tamara stared at it for some as the crab bobbed its eye up and down and tried in vain to find a part of Samuel it could nip.
“It’s actually kind of… cute,” Tamara said after two minutes of silence.
She relaxed her tail and let it rest on the beach once more. “Can it hold it?” She asked Samuel, fear being replaced by interest.
“Of course, you can. Just make sure you hold it by its back and be careful of the pincers; if they get you, it will hurt.”
Samuel handed the crab over to her and watched as Tamara began to inspect the animal from every angle. The crab had a white underbelly and purple joints.
“You think you could draw it from memory?” Samuel asked.
“Hmm?” Tamara replied. Samuel let out a sigh and repeated. After three more attempts, Tamara finally took notice and said, “Yes.”
Five minutes later, Samuel said, “we should probably put him back now.”
Tamara moaned about it, but Samuel said: “he has his own life, Tamara; you can’t keep him!”
She conceded, grumbling under her breath, and gently placed the animal back on the sand. As the crab dashed away, the two noticed that while they had been fixated on that single crab, thousands more had emerged on the beach.
Upon seeing the swarm of animals make their way across the beach, Tamara let out a squeal and once again pulled her tail up off the beach. The army of crabs marched along the shore. The collective walking produced a sound loud enough to hear from fifty metres away, and at last, Samuel remembered what they were and said, with no small amount of satisfaction in his voice, “they’re soldier crabs.”
“What are they going to do?” Tamara asked, concerned by the sudden appearance of so many creatures.
Samuel kept staring at the gathering, but he heard her question and replied, “They’re just feeding,” and added quickly, “But we are far too big for them.”
“That's odd,” Samuel said under his breath.
“I know there are so many of them,” Tamara said, deeply unnerved by the sheer vastness of the swarm.
“No,” Samuel said, “There should be this many of them; it’s where they are that is strange.”
Tamara momentarily took her eyes off the army and asked, “So where should they be.” There was a slight flicker of fear in her voice at the prospect of being invaded; rats and mice where bad enough. They did not need another pest.
“By the sea, not a freshwater lake,” he answered.
“The Sea?” Tamara almost yelled. Samuel was a little surprised by this enthusiasm and turned to face her.
“Yes,” he said.
“Have you ever been to the sea,” she asked.
“Yes, many times,” Samuel said, uncertain where this was going.
“I bet it’s wonderful,” Tamara added with a smile.
Samuel was silent as his brain connected a few dots and asked: “how can you know about the sea if you don’t know about crabs?”
She smiled; Tamara enjoyed it when she knew something that he did not, “there is a story that my mom told me that before we came to this forest, we were a different people that lived by the sea.” Tamara paused for a breath.
“But then humans came and drove us from the water, and we fled inland. Our people split into two. One half went to the mountains, and the other settled in the forest.”
Tamara finished and waited for his reply. Samuel, however, just kept looking at her. Tamara was concerned that she had upset him; he did not like it when humans were labelled as the enemy, yet his face and posture were not those of one who was sad or angry.
“You people blame us for everything, don’t you?” Samuel said with a chuckle.
“If there is a fire, it’s a human’s fault. If there is an earthquake, it’s a human’s fault. If a little Boreray boy drinks all their apple juice in one gulp, it’s a human’s fault.”
“So, getting back on topic, where did these “Soldier crabs” come from anyway? We have visited this lake for over two years and never seen even a glimpse?” Tamara asked. Samuel looked back to the slowly advancing army, and several ideas flashed through his head.
“Maybe they have been dormant up until now; perhaps they make a large circle around the lake shore, and it’s simply luck that we were here on the day they passed by, or maybe the migrated here from somewhere else.”
They watched the crabs' ceaseless march until Tamara said, “These things are still giving me the creeps. Can we go now?” Samuel could not argue that there was something eerie about all of these animals appearing, seemingly, from nowhere; however, there was still one thing he had to be certain of.
“You think you could draw one from memory?” he asked.
Tamara’s face contorted in a scowl. Samuel, for all his good points, could become far too focused on his research, which often caused him to become ignorant of other people.
Yet she knew sitting here yelling at him would accomplish nothing, so she told him the truth: “Yes, can we go now!” Samuel nodded and then slid off the rock. Tamara copied him, and they both slinked back to the cover of the trees.
Now that she was beneath the canopy, Tamara let out an enormous sigh of relief as the anxiety slowly left, and the close air warmed her body. On the other hand, Samuel began to chafe at the stagnant air while his head began to bead with sweat, but it was nothing he had not experienced before, so he gritted his teeth and bared with it.
With their plans now ruined, Tamara and Samuel wandered aimlessly through the woods, chatting about what they could do to fill the rest of the day. Several ideas arose, including visiting a nearby waterfall and a set of monument stones, but none truly appealed to them.
In the end, Tamara said, “how about we just call it a day?”
Samuel was happy about this. Tamara was his only form of human contact, yet he could not deny the pointlessness of wandering around the woods, so he said, “Ok, but let’s take the long way.”
Samuel heard a sound above him and saw a red squirrel scampering through the trees.
“Is it difficult?” Tamara asked.
Samuel looked at Tamara and replied, “Well, it can give me a crick in my neck sometimes.”
Tamara let out a short laugh and clarified, “No, I mean, is it difficult being so inquisitive? It looks exhausting.”
He was not entirely sure what she meant by that. To Samuel, Tamara was every bit as curious as him, so he stated: “you tell me, you went out looking for me just because you wanted to know.”
“True,” answered Tamara, “and everyone has always said that I am always asking questions, but you’re like a boar that just ate sugar beat.”
“I have no idea what that means,” Samuel said, shaking his head. “But I do know that people always told me, when I was a boy, that humans are, by their nature, infinitely curious, but personally, I think that it’s just how I was born.” there was a pause, and he quickly added, “just like you.”
Tamara’s fingers started to numb as she brushed them against the bark of passing trees. She took a good look at the trees around her. Tamara had lived her entire life sheltered by these trees. This place was her home, her family’s home and her friend’s home, and she loved it, a perfect example of the innate beauty of nature.
Samuel, however, was of a different opinion this forest disturbed him, though this feeling had diminished with time. The trees all grew in perfect symmetry, four and a half strides form each other.
From Tamara’s perspective, there was nothing strange about this, yet Samuel often said that this should not be possible, that the wood should be a mess and that the trees should grow in an unorganised fashion. Yet to Tamara, the idea of messy forests was just as impossible as a structured one was to him.
Noon came and went, and Samuel’s stomach began to rumble. His breakfast was becoming a distant memory; he thought he might be able to bear it for another hour or so, but as they travelled closer to the village, Tamara started to become irritated by Samuel’s constant growling.
“We need to find you something to eat before that sound drives me nuts!” Tamara stated bluntly.
“That’s all well and good, my dear, so long as you can materialise food out of the aether,” answered Samuel, with just a hint of condescension in his voice.
Tamara did not know what the aether was, but it did not matter. “No, but I do know a nearby tree with some great fruit in it,” she replied.
Samuel found this strange for two reasons. Firstly, he found it very difficult to believe there was a source of food in this forest that either he had not found, or Tamara had not told him about yet.
Secondly that, Tamara would know much about something she could not eat. Tamara was strictly carnivorous; she ate nothing but meat.
He wanted answers fast and asked: “So why haven’t you told me about this before?”
“Because I can’t stand the smell, that’s why, and I didn’t want you stinking up the place,” she explained.
“If it smells disgusting, what makes you think I will eat it?” he asked.
“Because the Boreray can’t get enough of it, some of them say that they taste like all the best parts of every fruit and vegetable we grow, which is a shame because they smell like all the worst,” she added.
He asked no more questions. He was too busy thinking; this fruit sounded so familiar, but he could not remember. The need to survive day in day out had pushed most of his standard learning, from school and university to the back of his mind, not forgotten mind you just buried.
I'm back with Tamara and Samuel latest adventure. If you like what you've read so far and want to know where it's going you can find the complete story by following the links below.
e-book(US/UK/CA/AU/DE)
Physical(US/UK/CA/DE)
If you do decide to read ahead please leave a review or rating, every single one helps immensely, and helps me keep doing what I'm doing.
Also the e-book will be at a reduced price until the last chapter it published on reddit.

Everytime I'm forced to try something new, my brain constantly fumbles and I end up making huge mistakes. It doesn't help that I also have inbred peers and coworkers who constantly judge me and shit on every fuck-up I make.
In fact, I'm feeling really fucking tempted to hurt them, every single one of them, so that they may learn the suffering I had to endure all my life.
If it weren't for my Aspergers, I probably wouldn't have to deal with insanely high standards and dickheads who behave like the rats they are, yet they're the ones who are just absolutely loved and adored by everyone in the fucking workplace. If only people were more considerate (and I mean FAR more considerate), they wouldn't think that screaming at me like a buffoon and dumping more trauma in my head like a garbage truck would actually solve anything.
Fuck everyone for not treating me as a human being who makes mistakes.

So, I've been thinking recently about TADC and it's implications. I did a little bit of research and came up with my own theory, though I don't know if others have thought the same and posted similar thoughts and theories.
Everyone knows that upon entering the Digital Circus, you lose your memory. I thought for the longest time on why that is. After reviewing the first episode and looking at the office in the "escape route" I noticed that all the computers are very old, though not as old as the one computer that Pomni looks at. This makes me think this show takes place in a research facility of sorts. Most research facilities use funding for research, not fancy computers. This facility must have the thought of some sort of end of the world scenario and is in search of an escape from the real world. Figured this would be the case as the irony in that would be something I feel the creators of TADC would love.
This company, looking for an escape from reality, thought of saving some of their employees in virtual reality. This is a true escape from reality. This company made the Digital Circus using AI to create a perfect escape world. A world where you could live forever and always have something do to. Though, not sure why they decided on the circus theme unless the circus theme was one of the many choices the employees could choose from, explaining why their aren't more people in the circus. The exit route that Caine uses in the game was modeled after the company building these players all worked in because it is easy to set up and download with photogrammetry.
I believe that Caine was the AI master of that specific digital world. An AI made completely in charge, which made the game possible to be manipulated and played for eternity. The NPCs were originally made by the creators of the game, until the AI Caine was able to learn how to make NPCs with the humans help from the other side of the computer screen. The screen that Caine couldn't see through known as the void.
Upon entering the Digital World a company mandated computer program or application hardwired into your brain erased your memory, though the longer you stay in the game the more the application worked and the more you end up forgetting, which is why Kinger has those memory laspes. The memory wipe is so you forget about the fact that the real world is about to end and you are in fact "being saved".
Long story short, putting on the headset is an escape from reality, though once in the digital world you become confused and want to escape from that digital reality. A side effect that no one thought about.
This is probably very wrong, but I want to hear your thoughts on the subject. This is just what my imaginative brain could come up with.

Prev/On the Design of Human Ships/
"Just wait, how lon…" Zantol started to say as a firm click was heard as Pir-4 pressed the button. In the following moment the entire ship shuddered as all power was lost. Moments later a deep drone could be felt.
"That shouldn't have taken so long to start," Dave remarked as all the screens and consoles lit back up, as the drone to fade away. Looking around dozens of new indicator lights and alarms were screaming across the cockpit, "Well that might be it, uhh…" Dave looked to Zanthol who was shocked at what just happened, and Pir-4 now floating stilly above the radio consul, "Zanthol please tell me that this is normal and that Pir is alright"
Zanthol taking moments to understand what happened, what all the new lights are for, and moments wonder what just happened.
“Wha…, what was that."
"Well, uh, that, was the distress call," Pausing for a moment to point at Pir-4 and to mute the alarms, "will he be ok?"
"Probably, but it is impossible to know without looking in his head"
"Why aren't you concerned? I mean, he could have just died."
"Why would I, it's just a machine, and all the data can be recovered."
Taking a deep breath, Dave considered the words that he just heard, "Zanthol? How do you classify a being as sentient?"
"We have a system, how do you classify things as sentient? If I know what you would use, then it would be easier for me to explain."
"I don't necessarily see why this is important, but the way that we had done this is though test, like the Turing test, have a judge have a conversation with a known sentient being and the one being tested. Another is to test the being's creativity, or even just comparing how close to the human brain the being's brain is."
"Those are all good way to determine if a being is sentient, but the reason that Pir was created was to get one step closer to win a galactic history changing prize, and I shouldn't tell you this, but humanity will find out regardless. This prize is from an automated system from nearly a million years ago, it was to autonomously scout and lightly terraform planets for life as it knows, and through, probably a problem with the replication program, it became sapient and though many more years it came to where it is now. Just barely sentient, enough for it to want to be a part of the community, and so the machine tried, until it came to the conclusion that it wasn't sentient enough to fit in," Sighing Zanthol took a deep breath and pointed to Pir-4, "It stopped sharing the planets it has visited, demanding that we make it fully sentient, to the point of the average sentient being, like you and me. To do so it made a prize, bring it a artificial being of synthetic mind that it deems as sentient. it has been almost 43,323 years by your calendar since the start of the competition."
"So you don't consider Pir a sentient being because a machine doesn't. That doesn't make sense, just because it doesn't shouldn't mean that you don't. Humanity has had less time free to think of what makes you, you. Because I think and therefore I am, should suffice for treating other being as sentient…"
Dave was cut off by the radio cracking back to life, "YOU, we do░▓░k▒w what yo░▒id bu░ we will have your he▒▓!" Just as abruptly it started it cut back out.
"They sound mad, as much as I would like to continue to argue, there are more concerning matters at the moment," Dave said as he took hold of the control sticks, with a lurch the ship once again started to move, "Since I don't like the silence I'll explain some things to you, this left stick moves the ship in x,y,z movement, or front, back, up, down, left, and right. The right stick adjusts the rotation," Dave gives both of the sticks a wiggle, causing the whole ship to shudder.
Zanthol, pulled Pir-4's helmet off, he started to check what happened to Pir-4. Looking to Dave again he sees him reach out slips on large gloves over his atmo-suit's gloves, once these are properly around his already gloved hands they constrict around them to now sit tightly around his hands. Then with a simple his the compartment filled with a thin fog, curiously Zanthol asked, "Is something wrong, and what's with the fog?"
"Take a look out the view screen, were getting close to your ship, but its getting hard to tell the distance without looking at the readout. So to get around that this ship uses a suite of holograms that are constructed by little low power lasers, and theses holograms use the cameras and computers to make a three dimensional representation of the environment."
"So why the haze?"
"It's so the lasers can be seen." as Dave talked, holograms of Zanthol's ship the Prospector's Pick, Helum station, and the various pirate vessels, leaving all that can't be seen by the cameras are blank. Reaching out with his gloved hands Dave grabbed the holograms of the Prospector's Pick and Zanthol's ship, strangely his hands didn't just pass through the holograms. Already anticipating the coming question Dave said, "The gloves that I just put on have a pneumatic force feed back system, strong enough to resist my movements, but not so much it can hurt me. If I move my hand though any of them it will respond as if it were an object floating in space that I just smacked. The system will interpret how the I move the holograms and do its best to replicate it in real life," Dave said, as he pushed the Prospector's Pick closer to Zanthol's ship. Zanthol could feel the ship accelerate toward his ship, "So, this makes it more intuitive for a human to operate this ship."
"Ok, so what are you doing now, are you going to get us out of here?"
"Well you said that, one all of Pir's spare parts are on your ship and that you have very classified things on it. Wouldn't it be a good idea to get it all before running?"
*Beep*
Looking at the consul a gauge was flashing.
"What's that?"
"That would be a temperate gauge, and uh it says that the hull is heating up. That shouldn't be happening,"
Thinking back Zanthol remembered how the pirates breached the air-lock realized what was causing the heating, "Dave, I think it maybe the pirates, to cut open the station like that," he points at the air-lock, "to cut through it as quickly as they did, they would have to have a weapons grade laser. We probably have only a minute before it starts cutting through the hull if you can keep them from focusing on the same spot."
"Ok, that shouldn't be too hard to mitigate," with a simple twist of the wrist Dave put the ship into a gentle spin, "That should do for now. Where is a good spot for a tow cable to be put on your ship?"
"I can already feel the rising temperature rising, and it's only getting faster. If you can't do anything about it then we're probably dead."
The gauge, now entering the red, "I hear you, and I'll handle this," Dave replied turning his ship to face the pirates, "Do you know why Tungsten Carbide is such a good marital for machine tools?"
Starting to send the ship into the pirates, "It's because it harder then almost all other mettles, and do you know where the largest single piece of Tungsten Carbide is? Well, its on this ship, initially meant to skewer asteroids, but we'll see how good it is at skewering ships, and it better be, or else," sighing, Dave continued, "We're probably dead."
"That sounds insane, but probably the only thing that we can do, and even then, there are still three other in the fleet."
Suddenly, static filed the coms gradually coming clearer until a human voice could be heard, "Prospector's Pick, hold tight, help is on the way, this is the Barnard's star Battle group B3, ETA 3 minutes. just hold tight, help is on the way."
By this moment Dave's ship was careening toward the pirates, the temperature sky rocketing. The ship struggling to cool it self with the radiators turning a dull red with the heat their absorbing, struggling to dissipate the building heat.
With a, shearing, screeching, screaming, sound the spike tore into the pirate ship.
"Woooooooooooooowoh!! HELL YEAH! That will never get old no mater what the target is." Dave said with a brimming smile. "Now its getting hot in here, so I'll also show you how we cool our ships in emergencies." pressing a combination of buttons on the the consul, a hiss of cool air filled the cockpit. The hologram also showed the radiators unlatch and start floating away from the ship.
"Dave why are you jettisoning the radiators, they're needed to cool the ship."
"Yes, but that's part of the design that someone else made, and was much smarter then I am. Its going to be replaced with spares."
One of the rows of boxes moved to the place that the radiators once were, and proceeded to unfold and turn into new radiators, with this the temperature gauge visibly and quickly dropped back down to it's regular position, and the new radiators already starting to show their thermal saturation. Then the screens flashed a notification…
Incoming warp detected.
~
This started to become more disconnected and scattered toward the end, but I was just having a hard time finding a way to connect it all. I also wanted to make each chapter a bit longer, so that's why this took so long, and in all fairness I don't think I'll be writing them to be so long its just not what I'm good with.
It has almost been half a year since I randomly thought of the idea for this at a new years party, anyways here's a fun fact, I am horrible at coming up with names, so to mitigate this I have turned to use the Periotic table and names of chemicals (and/or overly common names). The most obvious of them are Dave's last name Coper most clearly a slight mis spelling of Copper, Helum Station is just a variation of Helium, (spoiler regarding Pir-4)and Pir is a mis spelled abbreviation of Periotic and 4 corresponds to Beryllium the main component in his computers and meant to reference how hard for the researchers to make a body compatible with a inorganic brain, and to my knowledge Beryllium is wildly deadly and destructive to carbon based organic chemistry.

For context of who I am, I'm 18 years old and neurodivergent, my biggest struggles being like... emotional availability/connection. I have friends but there are specifically like, two or three people in my life right now who I consider beyond that. I call them my favorite people. I talk to them every once in a while, over the phone or text, but I don't see them often and (weirdly enough, hear me out) I see them the same way I see pets. I keep tabs on their problems, their favorite things, stuff like that, and I try and help them, but my brain categorizes them the same way I categorize my pets because I just love them that way. They give me the same feelings that I get when I see my cat, like, "So cute, let me take care of them!" even though I still do treat them as humans/people. I don't just baby or patronize them.
Anyway, I've always been emotionally distant from people. When I realized I was neurodivergent, I stopped trying to keep up with what "connection meters" I made up in my brain because that's what fried my battery. I don't like keeping up with people, or small talk, or connecting unless it's with my favorite people and I still TRY when people want a connection or conversation from me, but it's for their sake and never really mine. I don't hate people. I'm not a hateful and judgmental person, I try very hard to be open minded and accepting, but I am a generally antisocial person to begin with.
I've tried very hard to limit my connections because I know REALISTICALLY, I won't be able to care about people the way they want me to. A big community of friends is not something I can manage, I already see my favorite people very rarely but my love meter for them never goes down and they understand so it's not a big deal. But other people don't understand that. I care about them, logically, as humans. But I don't want to be their "rock," I don't want them to be mine, and I don't really care about what goes on in their lives and I don't want to share mine. I don't see a reason to. And it's not like I think they're worse than me, I think that they would benefit from befriending someone else. I just worry that I come off as arrogant.
I feel terrible the longer I think about it. I have spent so many years "faking" my connections with people until I realized I was being manipulative, even if my goal was to make them happy. So I try to limit my relationships. But I feel like I'm just seeming super rude.
I never really push people away, I don't interact with them to begin with. But the people in my "distant circle of friends," or people in any community I'm in, often try to connect. And I try to be kind and I will talk when they want to. But I realize that me not reaching out sends the wrong message, too, so I feel conflicted. I realize that maybe I AM being rude, or arrogant somehow, and I look up ways to fix it. But everything leads to different things like, "learning to connect" or "learning to X, Y, Z."
I know the basics of interacting with people. I've wiki-how'd that stuff basically every year. But there's that genuine barrier between me and people, not just "normal" people, just everyone in general. I'm already aromantic and asexual, so I don't really feel any need to be searching out romantic or sexual partners. But I also don't really feel the need for friends outside of my favorite people. I can get along with people, normally, but I never think, "Wow, I would love to be their friend, let me get their number." Which I feel is bad. I don't know.
I don't know if I've gotten off track or not, sorry if I did. But I've been thinking in circles for days now. I know I'm probably at fault here, I know it's not normal to be this disconnected from people. I feel bad about it. But for me, since there's no genuine urge for connection and there hasn't been forever, I feel like that makes it okay FOR ME. In my world. I just feel awful because I know that there are some people who try to connect, or want to, and I can't give that to them.