Light headed headaches

share something unjust, unfair, etc that happened/was said/done to you by authority figures when you couldn’t/weren’t in a position to say what you were thinking or stand up for yourself. all you could do was nod your head and take the blow. when you have nothing to lose, what will you bring to light about the people/situation?

Conner sat listening to music while the history class droned on endlessly. What is the point of learning history? War never changes, right? It seemed tedious. What does history have to do with how powerful and cool a mech is, or how sweet it is to be a mech knight?
"When the darkness came from outside, only the humans knew what was happening. It was war, war from outside the peaceful galaxy. War that had started when the Milky Way first showed the twinkling signs of life. One insane intelligence, old as time, would not tolerate another living galaxy. Each must be consumed by its own weight, and only death may prevail.
Humans instinctively knew this, as the chosen ones, the T-Cells of the galaxy. When their alien friends started getting ravaged and marauded by the scouts of the Dark Beings, humans responded, retaliating with unbridled ferocity and driving the otherwise unstoppable enemies back into the darkness.
It was a frightening time, and it only got worse when the massive cloud of shade was identified as the locust fleet that had sailed for billions of years, the Silent Empty Eternal Darkness Sailors, as they called themselves. They were nothing but dormant hives, sleeping forever, ready to wake and kill and self-destruct, make the galaxy dead. They could have done so, but humans stood in their way, an unpredictable enemy, capable of war.
That is why human worlds were directly targeted by their commandos. Massive singular monsters of ungodly visage were deployed to human worlds, spawning armies of miniature satraps of the horrors, to pillage and assault human worlds, turning them into hellscapes of death and destruction. The alien friends of the humans did not sit entirely idle, they helped by selling powerful new weapons and armor to the humans who kept retaliating against the Dark Beings with ever more powerful and vengeful mech."
Conner perked up at the part about the mech. Various famous chassis flashed across the screen in cool paint and poses with alien worlds in their backdrop and accounting for their neatly colored camouflage plates. He paid attention to the famous battles, where humans had defeated the Dark Beings in honorable combat.
"Conner, do you know what made your clan's father and mother such great mech knights?" his teacher asked.
"They learned from their mistakes." Conner sighed.
"They learned from other people's mistakes. They studied all of our defeats, all the times the Dark Beings annihilated entire battalions or overwhelmed our defenses. It is a much heavier volume. We learn little from victory except that now the enemy will try to better themselves again. When they win, they use the same tactics again - that's when we win. We don't use the same tactics again, for they will be ready when we try. We conceptualize and learn their thoughts, through their actions. They do not understand us. It is our only advantage, for each progression of our tech is met by another evolution of their monsters. Someday we will not be able to make a stronger bullet to match their stronger armor. We must anticipate a limit to this war, and fight accordingly."
"I can only anticipate getting into a mech and fighting bugs!" Conner had said. His teacher had given him that look. Nobody else got that look. Conner got it everywhere. He thought back to those days, he'd really thought he'd see action, in a mech, fighting bugs.
The rest of his class went on to become mech knights. All of them had seen action. Of course, none of them were left alive, and few of their mech were salvaged. Except, Pharlie.
Her mech was the third in a row of ones hit by a single plasma beam of the enemy. While the first two were instantly blown to atomic dust, her mech was only knocked over and set on fire. The ejection seat in the cockpit had the one and a half seconds needed to egress the mech knight safely.
She'd spent some time in relieved-of-duty status on Maranda Beach before she insisted they give her something to do. They quickly evaluated her and decided she wasn't fit for duty in a mech. Something about 'shutting down the Berserker Program' and 'protocols preventing reinstating anyone who qualifies to pilot a Berserker Mech'. Not happening under Admiral Khaspa.
"How's getting into a mech and fighting bugs, Conner? Still anticipating it?" Pharlie asked her old classmate.
"You are under my command. Watch your tone, I run a cruel shift." Conner grumbled.
"Aye, Skipper." Pharlie cringed, realizing the bureaucrat Conner had no sense of humor anymore. She decided to make it her personal mission to work on that. Conner with no humor didn't sound fun.
That scene in the classroom was a long time ago, but it was with Conner like it just happened. He hated Pharlie, because she stood for his humiliation, and wanted to humiliate her, but then he hated himself for feeling that way. He resolved to leave her be because he didn't want to feed his own calloused resentments.
"We've got work to do. We are reassigned to military surplus salvage. This job just keeps getting better. I used to think I would somehow be tested on a battlefield to save the galaxy, but out here I just get tested by boredom. I don't even feel the shame of these janitorial jobs anymore, I'm numb to it." Conner said to Pharlie, the next time they spoke. Pharlie realized he was trying to be nice to her and asked him:
"You'd rather be dead, or be me?" She wondered.
"Yeah. You don't know what it is like flying around delivering stuff and counting crap. I hate it. I could've made an actual difference." Conner complained personally.
Pharlie smiled and said: "You'd have made no more difference than the rest of us did. You don't know what a victory against the bugs costs, do you? You think you just have to stand there bravely shooting back and if you die, oh well, otherwise it's all glory. It's never like that. It hurts, it hurts a lot, because you don't die. Everyone else does. And for what? We just play the same game again next weekend, and it never changes."
"That's war." Conner nodded. "What am I doing? I bring supplies to remote outposts. It's pointless."
"Not anymore, they reassigned us to go pick up supplies, remember?" Pharlie pointed out.
"Oh yeah - don't remind me, just when I though my life couldn't be more tedious or pointless." Conner fell silent, realizing he sounded weak and small, complaining so much. He wished he was stoic, but he had a chance to confide in Pharlie, and he had taken it. Pharlie said:
"You're right. But let's make the most of it." And she smiled, so Conner decided that letting someone know just how miserable he was wasn't entirely a bad thing. He just wished he could somehow just be good with it, without having to use drugs or somesuch. He really felt like his combat skills were going to waste, sitting on a ship for long years, asleep and going around picking up supplies. As Pharlie had pointed out, they weren't even delivering them anymore, new mission, go get all that stuff the aliens made over the centuries for the war effort.
Rhema loomed in the distance. "We are picking up artwork on this world. Are you kidding me? The manifest shows it is categorized as artwork. So this community of variety-hour aliens have compiled some kind of treasure trove of fine art. This is asinine." Pharlie offered.
"That's enough of that." Conner chastised her formally on the deck, but he was smiling as he said it. He loved having her there stating his real feelings. "The mission is to acquire this propaganda, it is deemed useful to the war effort."
The world was like melted orange-cream covered in brown fog, a desolate radiated landscape below testified to the destructive power of the Unknown. The same Dark Beings had taken shots from the darkness with precise aim and killed some of the older aliens, such as the Frendsikeel. Long ago the peaceful otter people had lived happily on Rhema, inviting trade via broadcast.
After meeting an assortment of artist-aliens wearing shimmering dark-colored robes and cowls, the human delegate collecting military surplus accepted the crates of fine art, packed for their shipping across the stars, trusted to nobody except the human military to safely transport it.
"Conner." A call came in from Supply Command Unk Gheldin, Conner's commander. "You just earned me a promotion. The patrons of Rhema have instituted a check as a downpayment on our services. It's enough to build an entire warship. These aliens are loaded and just became our daddy. You're doing good work out there, the war effort thanks you!"
"I'll be sure and handle with care." Conner saluted diligently.
The next world was Arienta, populated by what was left of aliens who looked like huge anthropomorphic tarantulas.
"We've perfected a drug that can induce Star Sleep in humans. They said it was not possible for such belligerent minds to Star Sleep, but our colony of volunteers have allowed us to test every kind of euphoria and pleasure-inducing drug we could on them. Most species wouldn't have such a supply of volunteers, but humans come from far and wide to live as our guests, accepting our hospitality for their entire lives, saying they don't ever want to leave." The high priestess of the Blue Light Watchers, Rhoxa Billi, explained the doped humans lounging around everywhere.
"They look like slackers, sir." Pharlie said loudly.
"That's enough of that." Conner admonished her, but was smiling, glad she said what he was thinking. He faced the high priestess formally and said:
"We'll take this drug, and thank you for your hard work." Conner waved his fingers in the spiritual way to show he knew the sacred gratitude of the Blue Light Watchers. He'd studied how to do it on the way over, practicing it for days until he was confident he could do it right.
The next stop was Basilik, an industrialized wasteland where the Sunder had hundreds of thousands of giant humanoid machines, in loincloths, working tirelessly to drag massive monolithic super metal beams across rollers, up ramps to assemble indestructible mech chassis to sell to the humans.
"Sir, we take shipments from here all the time. What are we here for?" Pharlie asked.
"Not a what, a whom." Conner said.
The casket of the revered Exalted Inquisitor Eshka Layenna was loaded on board, but it was not made by Sunder. No, it was tech from some other society, preserving her eternally in a state of dormancy, a kind of molecular stasis.
"We're taking her back to the ones who put her in there. They have a gift for us. She is our gift for them. The Sunder have agreed to this, in the name of the war effort."
The Desperado star sailed to the nearby Kriesene system where an old gravity cloud that looked like a planet had hundreds of planet-sized moons dancing around it like an insane ballroom.
"The shoals around their world will make this somewhat dangerous to traverse. We have a map, given to us by the Sunder, so we should be fine." Conner told Pharlie.
"Danger, eh? Kinda like it, don't you?" Pharlie teased.
"That's enough of that." Conner said without any real command in it, smiling.
The Skiesene had a moon-sized space station named Thoughtfulness where they conducted much of their trade with each other. They looked like dark-shelled nightmare creatures, some kind of H.R. Giger prophecy had remembered these creatures long before humans had met them.
Conner witnessed their massed warriors, in stasis, embroidered stole draped over them, crouched motionless atop pedestals with twenty-yard tall tapestries depicting their many victories in bloody combat. They sat there in a great hall in their various forms and armors, but always hideous monsters, reminding him of the Dark Beings vaguely, except devoid of insectoid features.
The Skiesene were delighted by the delivery of their goddess, Eshka Layenna. A time without bloodshed was declared, and the Skiesene offered a shipment of their finest warriors, in egg form.
The Skiesene Khan grinned with uncannily human-looking teeth, but in its grin was a sharpened beak that could pierce the solid dome that was their head, with no eyes or ears, at least not in one place, for they had sensory all over their bodies.
"Uh, thanks. We could always use some special, uh, special forces." Conner accepted the eggs, as he was under orders to do. They were preserved until called, using a key to deactivate the stasis they were in. Then they would serve the orders in their minds, to obey their human commanders.
"I hope they don't have to facehug us and chest burst us." Pharlie chuckled.
"That's enough of that." Conner told her, smiling.
The last stop was the world of the Beebee, aliens who looked like cats wearing incredibly fancy clothing.
"We've tailored new uniforms for the human armies. You'll like them." The Master of Design, top official of the Beebee, told Conner, purring as he went.
Conner put one hand on his elbow and one holding his chin, trying to keep a straight face, when he saw the uniforms.
"They are a little small, don't you think?" Conner looked at the feline models in the uniforms meant for human soldiers.
"And kinda derpy with all those frills and colors?" Pharlie offered further criticism.
The Master of Design seemed to think the uniforms were being complimented, anticipating no other response. It took a moment to sink in that the humans were mocking all their hard work.
"All of the specifications for armored clothing were met. These uniforms will preserve your body temperature in very extreme conditions and will slow ballistic projectiles so that they cannot penetrate the cloth, but instead have their kinetics splattered outward and also the colors shift to the mood of the wearer. You can make it camouflage if you like. We worried that human sizes made dispensing millions of these uniforms impractical compared to making an adjustable size. Try one on." The Master of Design was not offended, but stood his ground, his hair puffing up making him look sophisticated and official. His whiskers twitched handsomely at the end and he gave a prolonged blink.
"They still look silly, why so many frills?" Pharlie chuckled.
"That's enough of that." Conner sighed.
The humans were about to leave and board their ship when Conner spotted an ancient mech standing next to the star port.
"What's that?" he asked.
"The tomb of Drastic Conner Mcfarley, the mech knight who defended our world, surprising a lone scout of the Dark Beings and engaging it in single one-on-one combat, saving our world. Drastic Conner Mcfarley died in his mech during the battle. The scout retreated and left us unharmed." The Master of Design said.
"Why'd it leave?" Conner asked, but recalled what his clan father had done. He awaited the answer he knew:
"Drastic Conner Mcfarley disarmed it, but left its capacity to retreat intact. It is believed he deliberately used this measure of engagement, in order to ensure the enemy would not retaliate by bombarding our world. When one of them dies, the world they die on gets destroyed. He might have survived the battle if he'd just killed it when he had the chance. We know this. He sacrificed himself to save us."
"That's right." Conner nodded. He and Pharlie felt solemn, realizing how far their journey had taken them, all the way to where it had began for them. "We're him, and we won't let you down."

This is a story I've come up with my head for years It predates most things talked about so I've had to figure a way for it to fit in. This story was created basically to find a good way to blend Dbs with Naruto. There is a bit of a "timeline thing" but that will be explained and basically thrown away fairly early on. Also it starts a little overpowered but only due to the bigger things I started building up too. Also This is my first time "writing this down" and I'm not exactly a world class story teller so in ways this is more of a character.His name is Hachiman
This takes place in the Hidden Leaf Village but the current time is during Just before the 4th Great Ninja War. In this world The Kaguya clan has not yet gone extinct. A Prodigy child is born of the Kaguya Clan. A Rere Genetic Awakening has happened within the child's body Opening access to the Ötsutsuki genes within him of which being born with Byakugan and multiple charkra nature's are amongst a couple. His Ötsutsuki ability has the ability to manipulate time to a second difference Small but extremely reliable. Due to being such a a Prodigy at a young age as well as fascination with different Justu, as well as Frankly not being able to Beat or Captured he was Drafted into the Anbu. He shows hardly any emotion and Know's full well he can do what he wants to an extent but has no want for this as he Would rather just live peacefully and whatever brings him and everyone closer to peace he will due solemnly. He grows up with Hardly anybody but 1 girl named Kiriko (Kiri for short) In the middle of a mission The Hidden Stone attacks the Leaf! Hachiman hurry's back to the village quickly! Quickly he fends off quite an amount of Hidden Stone. A Shriek is heard in the distance! He rushes to Help! There he finds Kiriko with blood trickling the the hands of the enemy. Blind Rage awakens within Hachiman His Time related Kekkei genkai Erupts! White Surrounds the entire area it seems as if the world Is collapsed within it. When he comes to he awakes in a Forrest, "Where is the hidden leaf?" He thinks. Realizing his eyes have awakened Sharingan! Shinobi running through the Forrest stop him "Who are you they ask" As Hachiman looks up they meet eyes with the Sharingan. Immediately they attack! Hachiman defeats then. As he begins to walk around he notices the world and the chakra of the world itself is different? Eventually he stumbled into a camp and realizes this is an Original Uchiha Camp. He begins to ask questions blending in with the fact he has Sharingan they questioned nothing. He begins to put the pieces together His Kekkei genkai awakened and Swalllowed Him in time, He himself has Time traveled to before the Villages had begun. Thinking back in history eventually he works under the Uchiha but with minimal Killing as to protect time from being distorted and making an impact that never happened. As time continues he meets Madara Uchiha and studies him from the shadows Observing and Copying his every move. Hachiman learns his Sharingan's ability is able to Save and copy other Sharingan Formation (allowing Amaterasu, etc) Later he again Stay's in the shadows and does the same with the Tobirama. As time moves on he realizes he does not age anymore. He begins to not fully understand his situation but make the better of it instead. In the shadows he studies and copies all of the Legends from Naruto. Eventually Rinnegan awakens and Before the final Ninja war he abandons this dimension. "It is not my home anymore" he believes. He watches as Naruto and Sasuke beat Kaguya and Learns of the Ten tails. Trying to further his power he discovers a Ten tails abandoned in a random dimension. He decided to become a Ten Tailed Jinchūriki. Later Sasuke while traveling through his Rinnegan meets Hachiman. Hachiman explains everything. Sasuke already having his first run in with Otsutsuki explains everything that has been happening home. Hachiman has no interest as he feels a greater threat is coming. He tells Sasuke to leave him and he will stay out of all Trouble and wishes to be left alone.
Dragon Ball Super side of things
The Grand Priest has learned of a Universe Remnant that has survived Xeno's destruction. Immediately he sends a New Angel named Jin is sent to Investigate. Feeling a threat Incoming Hachiman meets Jin. Jin begins to explain why he was sent but Hachiman dosen't try to listen as he believes this might be an Otsutsuki threat. He fights to the Fullest ability! (Ten Tails Jinchūriki Awakening, Pure White Susanoo armor coated to his body, Lighting Style armor (similar to what The 3rd Raikage used), Sword of Nunoboko, as well as Multiple upon Multiple Shadow Clones) It is during this fight he awakes what he calls (Divine eyes) which allows him to use Divine Jutsu (which is basically just any Jutsu turned up to an 11) He is losing almost overwhelming however he is able to his a surprise Planetary Devastation. This surprises Jin to which he states that Hachiman is coming with him. Reluctantly Hachiman agrees. They leave to meet with The Grand Priest which has an Idea for the young Hachiman. During the 1st meeting with Universe 6 as well as Universe 7 Hachiman is brought to View and see if he can contend with such fighters. A sparing match is to be had the winner gains access to 1 wish from the Super Dragon Balls! The Fight begins! Hachiman Vs Vegeta!! To all Viewers the Fight ends Astonishingly Quick as Vegeta dosen't move everyone including Vegeta Unaware he is Locked in Genjustu. While The Fight unannounced to Vegeta is Over, Vegeta believes the fight is currently happening. Hachiman used Genjustu to obtain all Knowledge Vegeta has about everything. Quickly Hachiman learns of what sayians are as well as The circumstances as well as the Different sets of Dragon balls. Vegeta's body is set in the stands Senzu beans don't work as Vegeta's body is fine. The Fight with Goku Begins!! Using the Knowledge Hachiman now has He understands how to Fight A sayians better. While maintaining a "Mind Fight" with Vegeta Hachiman begins to Truly battle Goku. Using as many cheap trucks as he can to contend with a sayians of Goku's Caliber Eventually the fight ends with A Planetary Devastation Sealing Justsu. Goku can't escape. Announced as the winner Hachiman gains his wish! However with the knowledge gained from Vegeta he chooses to Use the Namekian Dragon Balls instead as a Win He makes his 3 wishes 1) He wishes to become a Half Blooded Sayians while maintaining all abilities he had Before 2) He wishes to unlock what his Bloodline Calls Tensigan 3) He does not care what this wish is and Gives it away Shortly after the The TOP is announced. Jin has been assigned to watch over Hachiman to keep eyes within his universe and Him. Hachiman decides he will be entering the TOP alone as he as already stated he will not intervene within what is happening with his universe The training with his New Found Divine Eyes mixed with the Blood of a Sayian has led him to become Overwhelmingly Powerful as well as unlock Ssj2 The TOP begins!! Immediately knowing the difference in power as well as being cunning Hachiman Buries himself within the Ground Funneling and Learning how to manipulate Kachi Katchin steel, as well as basically being a Clone summoning Factory that fight above ground. For the most part Hachiman keeps quiet until near the end. In a Fatal attempt he does try to fight Jiren thinking Genjustu might solve the problem IT does Not. Jiren let's it happen at first Letting Hachiman Speak to him. Later he breaks free however and Finds the real body of Hachiman. Seeing No way to win in a Sayian Anger fuled Rage he uses a Justu never been done before DIVINE STYLE: DIVINE REAPER DEATH SEAL Everything fades to black and seemingly Hachiman Disappears. In pure black A voice Speaks "My Slumber has been interrupted by whom" A Divine Reaper God appears before Hachiman Otsutsuki Honestly in Fear for the 1st time Hachiman has no words However The reaper Feels his energy and reads his based off this. "You ask for my power for such a weak Creature..... Pathetic" he states Hachiman responds " It was a sudden Idea I had no idea what would become of it Who are you?" " I am the What happens to God's and angels who have fallen, I am the manifestation of the Natural order Of things" Taking an Intrest in Hachiman The Reaper proposes an Offer "I have not been summoned in millennia as well as God's have not fallen in such time, I would like you to become my new Reaper You will gain access to my abilities as well as my Power" "& In Return?" Hachiman responds "I exist in all of time Past, Present, & Future you will be of use to me there will be interference from me in anything you do, so long as every now and then you fuel me with energy" Hachiman agrees Appearing back in the same spot as if Time stopped again Hachiman awakens with Black Energy pouring from his body He rushes Jiren Quickly however His body cannot take the duress and Gives out Hachiman is Eliminated The TOP proceeds regularly. When the Universes are Brought back Hachiman appears in the dimension he was Watching over back home in Universe 13 Jin arrives afterwards to Explain that the Grand Priest would like his presence. Hachiman goes with Jin to meet. The Grand Priest is alone with no Guards as well as no King Xeno He explains that he is unhappy with the way the Universes are being run. Tired of presiding over a Child with the Supreme power. He asks if That was the God Reapers energy he Felt within Hachiman. To which Hachiman says Yes. "Can you access it? Use it and your own will?" The Priest asks Hachiman responds No but it's still within him he could learn to harness it but why? Grand Priest has a plan to extract Xeno's energy and Give it to him to run this the Multiverse Correctly as a God should he also explains that when King Xeno destroyed the Multiverse is seems at that exact moment is when Hachiman's outburst happened and The moment destroyed Single handedly restarted his Universe through time. To help train Hachiman with his New Found power as well as the Fact Universe 13 has no current God of Destruction Hachiman is assigned as well as Given God of Destruction Power After a 4 years have passed Hachiman has traveled not only throughtout his universe but because his universe is still so Young there isn't much to Destroy or Watch he travels throught the other Universes. Every planet he has been too throught the Multiverse he places the Flying Rajin Seal A Coup has begun Grand Priest helps set the stage Hachiman's reaper energy has manifested through talking to the Reaper as well as practice. The Reaper energy as well as Reaper Saiyan Form has the ability to completely absorb Energy of all Kinds and Manifest it as Their Own. He uses Rope Kunai Energy weapons to predominantly absorb others energy. King Xeno is Stabbed at the same time as The Grand Priest the channel the energy from one blade to another. As the Energy is being drained Hachiman begins to see inside the Grand Priests Mind seeing that the Grand Priest plans to eradicate all of the Multiverse for Good Hachiman stops! The power is drained from Xeno but the Grand Priest has 75% of the power while Hachiman has the remaining 25%. Hachiman Escapes Labeled a Traitor Hachiman is Hunted by everyone the Grand Priest can get his hands on. Traveling from world to world Hiding Honing all of his abilities to One day fight The Grand Priest and Finally decide what should be done with The power of Xeno.
If you read all That I Love you Frfr please Put input I'm sorry its sor Poorly written and put together but I've never done something like this in writing purely in my head. I hope someone reads this one day!

the furry arquetipes that i would to like to see in zzz are
1)mammals
-waifu fox
-the fox warrior with a futuristc sword
-the female feline(wildcat) with green fur and green eyes and her weapon probally would be a sword similar to the sasuke sword(and i using sasuke due to lightings powers)
-a male white cat with blue eyes he would be more or less a humanoid cat with some guns and anothers weapons
-a hound basset(she would shoot explosive chemicals and her fur would be white but her hair would be black and her eyes a green-white eyes)
-the male hound we already have on the game so no coments
-a rat(i take master splinter as inspiration) he would use a kimono a red kimono and he would have one scar on a eye and a white blind eye he would use a very traditional sword and his special would be trow shurikens and explosive kunais and wather and fire and wind and lighting style powers
2)reptiles
-a female lizard she would be a very primitive lizard(take the argonians as exemple) she would be a very primitive female lizard
-turtles: this turtle would have a samurai helmet and be kinda inspired in yasuke
3)mytical creatures
-kitsune(the kitsune would be white with a yellow eye with white sclera and she would have fire and lighting powers)
-dragon wather(would be a dragon wather antropormofic very similar to sash lilac from freedom planet 2 so she would have lots of wind and water powers) so she would have purple hair purple skin and 2 horns in the head
-hellhound(this one would be female she would have fire and lava powers with a white and silver fur) and orange eyes with red sclera and about the hair would be blue and the hair would be similar to jinx and yea she would use some crazy weapons and probally her personality would be a psycopath-like
-earth dragons(this one would be more related to wood and stone powers and her skin would be brown with yellow eyes and black hair)

Hi,
TLDR: looking for advice for 'deep recovery' from autistic burnout, venting/rambling a bit about my situation
Sorry for the long post, my life hasn't been great the last few years and I'm hoping that if I describe it in detail then someone might have some advice for where to go next, or be able to tell me if I'm missing something obvious. I've bolded the bits where I'm asking for advice.
I (24F) am not officially diagnosed with aspergers or anything autism related, but am recovering from what I suspect is autistic burnout. I had symptoms of moderate to severe CFS last summeautumn but am slowly recovering from it without any major crashes. When I read the description of autistic burnout I identified with it completely. The loss of skills and extremely reduced tolerance to stimulus on top of the fatigue is something I have really struggled to describe or explain to people (not helped by the loss of skills i.e. barely being able to put a sentence together to speak to someone). I've read Strong Female Character and Aspergirls, and am currently reading Unmasking Autism. I haven't completely self-diagnosed yet, but I am researching it and think it's a strong possibility. The first half of Aspergirls describes my childhood pretty well. I was often called a 'Highly Sensitive Person' and Unmasking Autism states that the creator of this term has said that the people she was talking about have since been diagnosed with ASD. Even if I am not Autistic, I often find Autistic people more relatable and easier to understand that non-Autistic people and find their advice for rest, sensory issues etc helpful to me. I am not looking for a diagnosis or diagnostic advice.
I currently feel like I'm starting my life over again, and I'd really appreciate advice on how to build a sustainable life when I have a lower tolerance for stimulus and find communicating more tiring than many people.
Context/life story: I'm from the UK. I have a degree in maths, was feeling burnt out and was going to take a gap year before doing a masters, but the pandemic happened and I moved back into my childhood bedroom. I couldn't face being stuck there again with no 'escape plan' so one afternoon I (impusively) signed up for a masters at a not so great uni and didn't do well academically. At the time I was considering a PhD and going into pure maths research. I don't have the grades to get funding for this. By the end of the masters my boyfriend had broken up with me and I'd lost touch with all my friends. The only person I 'spoke' to was my mother and even she'd say this was pretty one sided. In my dissertation presentation on zoom, I read a pre-written script and answered 'I don't know' to all the questions because I hadn't spoken to anyone in months and couldn't hold a conversation with the cashier in the supermarket about the weather let alone one with an academic about advanced maths. I scraped a pass.
After this was over (October 2021), I really felt like I needed a break. I decided I was going to have 2022 'off'. I was going to rest, get a job that didn't use my brain, move to a city so I wasn't so isolated (I live in Wales) and recover and rebuild before figuring out what I wanted to do next. I couldn't figure out how to move to a city without getting a professional job. I asked some family for advice but they didn't know either. I didn't know how to get any job near the town where I live. It's very cliquey, I don't know anyone who's got a job through a formal application process, it's always through a family or friend connection, and I'd lost touch with everyone by this point, my mother doesn't have any contacts and the rest of my family lives in another country. I get filtered out of formal applications because I'm overqualified and bad at lying. Spring 2022 I got sick of it and applied for about 5 software dev jobs. I got one basically without being interviewed. In hindsight that was the first red flag.
I moved to a city 5 hours away. I won't go into the details of the job but it wasn't great. I discovered they had a vrey high turnover for a small company. The new hires previous to me had lasted weeks, one only lasted days, before going on stress leave. I did 10 months. I signed a rental agreement for a year and was too exhausted to search for another job to pay for it. It was full time in the office because I was a junior. I had one friend who lived 3 hours away and every time we met up it was me driving to them, and my sibling needed a lot of help with uni and job stuff so I drove the 5 hours back home most other weekends. I did too much, but I didn't know how to not do too much. Within a few months of each other, my dog died, my grandad died and it was the 10 year anniversary of my dads death. I never had a bad performance review and I quit due to 'personal reasons'. The final straw for me was when I noticed in the office I was physically shaking from exhaustion when I reached for my mouse or keyboard. I think I must have been running on adrenaline or something because it was 2 months before I properly crashed. In this time I moved my stuff back to my childhood bedroom, and that is where I am now. July last year was when I crashed and thought I had CFS etc.
I would say I'm mostly recovered from the physical fatigue. I walk 10k+ steps a day and this helps me mentally. I know I should do more restorative yoga, I see this more like stretchy meditation than exercise and it also helps mentally. I used to enjoy powerlifting and I've tried a few times recently but I think I need to take that super slowly because I get carried away and it wipes me out for a few days after. Skills-wise, I am able to read books again, albeit books I've read before or childrens books. I sometimes have 'high energy' days when I'll read more non-fiction and try to plan my recovery. I am not up for doing technical computer stuff. Things I used to know still go completely over my head. Sensory-wise, I struggle having the big light on for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. I try to reduce screen time. I barely watch tv. I've deleted most social media so I only check instagram once or twice a week on my laptop, and I go on reddit or youtube if I'm looking for something in particular. I try not to listen to too much music otherwise the brain fog gets worse, but that's hard becuase it's one of the few things I feel connects me with the outside world at the moment. When family come round and there are group conversations, I cannot follow anything that's going on and it may as well be white noise. I haven't been in a public space for a while, so I don't know how I am with the background noise. I've reconnected with school friends and am going out for dinner soon, so I'll find out then. I will also find out how I hold up in conversation.
In the next few weeks I plan on looking for part time work. Any advice on suitable jobs would be welcome. I also start a compassion focused therapy group next week, after going to the doctors about this in october of last year *sigh*. I plan on working part time and living at home while figuring out what I want from a career and how to build a life. I wish I could just move to London but it's so expensive.
I see pure maths as closer to the arts than the sciences, and also enjoy fiction books (esp fantasy) and music. I played classical piano and violin/viola as a child to a reasonably high standard. I have no interest in computers really, it was just a job thats related to my degree and that I was good at. As a child I wanted to be a writer or a musician, but as a teen I prioritised moving out of my hometown and told myself that was something I didn't need to study and could work on in my free time. I had a 'maths brain' so it was easy enough to coast this path while I was grieving. I have learnt that the first things I let slide when I am stressed or busy, are the things I am interested in. Then it's chores, then my physical health. I have no idea when to stop or when to say no people. Not because I want them to like me, simply because saying no doesn't occur to me until after I've done it. I also don't notice when I am stressed or doing too much. I have gotten better at that the last few months.
In future, I think I need to prioritise my interests more than I have. I think I tried to 'fix' the stress from the things I 'had' to do with exercise and being very physically healthy. I think the solution is to prioritise working on my interests and passions. The thing I've found most helpful is keeping a diary. I started this last July. I'm now writing music and learning how to produce using Ableton. It's going very slowly but it's going. I've found creating things is better for me mentally than consuming them, even if I'm doing that using a screen. I am interested in the links between maths and music (group theory, geometry, topology etc), and plan to read more about this when I'm able. It would be a dream come true if I could somehow work self-employed doing this one day. I can't imagine working full time in an office again. It exhausts me too much to be able to do anything in my free time. I don't know how demanding it would be to work remotely full-time. I'm lucky I can live with family and work part-time for the forseeable future. There is no rush. I am 24.
Any advice on building a career your interested in, moving to a new city, managing stress and having healthy relationships would be very welcome. Or anything else you think it would be useful to hear.

Stock bottom end gonna do a full top end. I just need help with the heads and valve train. It's gonna be a daily with some light towing here and there but I also want to be able to go wot and it gets out of its own way.

What is the best bulk head to run on a arrma kraton 6s blx thats Aluminum or metal of some sort I would like to upgrade from plastic cause I just broke my and don't want that problem to continue if I want to light bash it going to buy rpm arms front and back as well for upgrades

Alright, so after playing around 50 games on CoH3 with all 4 factions and all game modes, here's my verdict based on a comparison to CoH2:
Positive aspects of CoH3:

Visually pleasing graphics
More realistic squad size mostly
Qol improvements (auto reinforce, autovaulting, tank riding)
More units variety and a pleasing light vehicle play
In game currency easier to reach
Includes never seen before units
Every faction has access to an ambulance and can tow weapons and recrew on front

Now, what's to be improved by priority:
1)High priority:

The sound effects, has been said a lot but man...where to start ? Well first of all the units being attacked cues should be given priority over everything else, the problem is that the battles, especially team battles are a sound-fest, the "our point is being captured" shout gave me a serious headache (literally lol), it should be down toned or selective to only the points you personally defend, or you could have the player have the option to select which point he wishes to know about constantly. The voice line could be replace by a sound cue maybe. The explosions are loud but they don't seem really well made too.
The vehicles movement! Man.. the "you always have to press reverse command" thing just doesn't want to stick with me. Maybe it's a me thing, but come on, at least on short distances we should be able to move backwards without extra micro. It's just a habit from Coh2 maybe.
Certain call ins are waaaaaay too oppressive, so much they make the game end (yes I'm looking at you Carpet Bombing) they definitely need to be toned down, call ins are supposed to be a bonus to swing the pendulum of a balanced fight your way, not a goddamn supernova that falls on your army.
Balance and game flow : so much to say here it could warrant it's own post.

2)Low priority (opinion) : I'm not gonna pretend that my opinion here should be THE opinion, but I've noticed a few things :

indirect fire takes a lot of place in the game, which forces everyone to play it and get mobile infantry only besides the fact that mobile infantry is already more useful and powerful than line static infantry due to the fact it can push, decrew team weapons or force retreats more easily, the new high health based system of combat makes them not drop models when approaching enemy defensive troops in their cover. It is a bit too much.
Faction balance in the current meta forces players into repetitive play styles : USF ranger blobs, ukf double Australian triple infantry, Dak just stalls until their late game vehicle play and has to play like pussy, wehr just spams team weapons until they can unleash a mass of pz4 or panthers. It reminds me of the funny days of coh1 back when the series was trying to find its way, the lessons from CoH2 final patches should be duly copied, the str genre is a delicate flower to balance and find a consistent pleasure in each game without it being a chore or boring or frustratingly unfair, I rq'd two times already due to a ranger blob and a carpet bombing, while I never rq'd in Coh2 ever.

TL;DR : just read the damn thing come on.
Thanks.

Just noticed these guys, not sure how long they’ve been there since my bathroom has low light.
They look like the Fordyce spots I have around the rim of my head, but I’m paranoid it might be something else.
As I said in the title, they don’t itch and they’re not painful.

I'm sure many of you have come across "trad-wife" content at some point or another online. I've been fed this content more and more lately, which had me thinking about what this "trend" means for mothers and families, and what impact it has overall for the mothers who are still "in the trenches" today. Whether it's a trend you participate in, or one you roll your eyes at, I think for the most part, it garners an emotional response from women, especially mothers, in either a positive or negative light. I also want to make it clear that "trad-wives" and SAHM are NOT the same thing at all, and should not ever be used interchangeably. These are two completely different things. A SAHM is still a working independent woman whos job inside of the home to be viewed equally as important as any work outside of the home.
I fall under the category of someone who is triggered by "trad-wife" content and generally have a pretty negative, critical response every time I run into it. But today, as I came across a video of yet another "trad-wife" influencer, who was defending her lifestyle, and call to "traditional" ways, I decided to stop and actually take a minute and be honest with what emotion I was really feeling when I come across this content. It isn't actually rage, disappointment or fear, like I tell myself it is. It's jealousy.
The truth is, my first reaction is jealousy and a sense of inadequacy that feeds off of my deepest insecurities as a mother. Jealousy for the mothers that can stay at home all day with their children, who can clean, bake, garden and cook with their little ones at their side. And as someone who is a working mum, but not by choice, I feel jealous of the extra time these women can spend with their children during these short pre-school years. I feel inadequate because I secretly fear I am failing as a mother by choosing a double income, over the financial insecurity of a one-income household. Inadequate because my house is a mess and I'm burned out from work from a job I hate by the time I get home, that I worry my children aren't getting the best version of me.
After the initial emotional response of jealousy, my logical brain kicks in and reminds myself that this lifestyle they are showcasing isn't reality. Most SAHM's aren't baking sourdough on homesteads all day. They aren't showing the 3AM wakeups or the teething drama. This isn't an accurate representation of motherhood for 95% of us. This leads me to my next emotional response, which is to then to substitute jealousy for criticism. I begin to list all the ways their lifestyle is flawed, naive and unsustainable to give myself some false sense of superiority to these women who are essentially just cosplaying.
I'm sure this reaction isn't uncommon. I feel it's a natural response for people to substitute the emotion of jealousy with criticism to justify their own lifestyles and choices that feel attacked. You could argue that the "trad-wife" movement is just that--a way for some SAHM's who may feel the need to justify their lifestyle and choices of not be in the work force, when surrounded by a world that places outside work in higher esteem than domestic work.
However, I would like to clarify that just because I feel jealous when watching this content, doesn't mean I wish I was a "trad-wife". I find the entire concept to be just as toxic as the "hustle"/"girl boss" culture they are fighting against. Not to mention, a completely misinformed and myopic view of what a "traditional" wife or family looked/looks like throughout the world. The "traditional" wife they are cosplaying as is just ONE example of a historic "traditional" family and a woman/mothers role within one. Yes, women have always been charged with domestic duties and childrearing. The home has always been where women have traditionally been taught to focus on, however, women have also ALWAYS worked outside of the home too—either on farms, factories or kitchens (etc). And women have ALWAYS outsourced childrearing to either a nanny or governess (if wealthy) or they had their eldest kids stay home and look after the younger ones. Working mothers, and hired childcare are not new concepts to the female history.
But, I do see how this trend came about. It’s an allergic reaction to the extreme push for women to get out of the homes and into the workforce. To climb the corporate ladder while breastfeeding. To pity the girl with the college degree and spit up stains on her shirt at home with unused potential. To take “equal rights” so literally we act like a man’s life or parental journey is identical to our own. Ignoring our monthly hormonal fluctuations and pretend we're fine to sit through that 2 hour meeting while popping Midol. That we add more value to society as another cog in a machine sitting in a cubicle, then managing your home and family, because that's just "sitting at home" all day, right? And maternity leave is really such an inconvenience…
Looking at both extremes, I found it funny how both sides share the same core issues/beliefs which do nothing but hold mothers, and families on both ends of the spectrum back. This is what I found were the major issues in the perception of motherhood at both extremes, when I took a step back and away from my own biases as a working mother.

1. We need to recognise that both lifestyles come with the enormous privilege many women don't have-- The ability to live off of one income is a privilege just like having enough money for childcare or family support is a privilege. For many, our family set up wasn’t a choice, it’s a necessity. The reasons to be or not to be a SAHM are not always a choice or preference. A lot of times these are hard decisions that include major sacrifices. Before you judge either lifestyle, acknowledge the privilege you might have in the CHOICE to follow either life path. A woman who HAS to work to keep her family fed, even if all she could afford were Poptarts for breakfast, is just as good of a mum as the one who made fresh sourdough that morning. The mum who has to go back to school shopping at the second hand store, and mend hand me downs to dress her kids on one income is just as good of a mum as the corporate baddie who bought her kids the trendy shoes their kid asked for. Both kids are fed, both kids are dressed, both kids are loved.
2. No matter what they say, we all love our kids, and how they turnout does NOT come down to your choice to work in or outside the home -- At the end of the day, I don’t think kids of working mums turn out much differently than kids of SAHM. I think we all know personal examples of rotten kids or adults with both types of mothers. Neither dictates your relationship with your child. As kids get older, they naturally drift away from us. The truth is we may mess up in ways we didn’t even consider. Our kids may always blame us for being overbearing by not having a life outside of the home. Or resent us for never being around because of work. Bad/toxic mothers can be found both in the home or the work force. Just think back to how the adults in our lives talk about their mothers--sometimes it was "mum had 6 kids at home, but she somehow managed to keep us all fed and cared for", or "mum had to work a full day cleaning houses, but she'd always make sure we read a book together after work". All mothers make sacrifices, no matter what type of sacrifice it is. Our kids aren't going to love or resent us for our choices to work or stay at home, but how we show up for them. Don't underestimate our children's ability to recognise our sacrifices on either end.
3. Full time domestic work and homemaking is a real full time job that hold just as much value as working outside of the home and should be treated and respected as such.-- Childcare is a full time job. Full time nanny's and daycares prove that. Homemaking is a full time job. We hire cleaners, interior designers and household staffs that prove it. Cooking, is a full time job. We hire chefs and nutritionists that prove it. So, when a woman is a SAHM does one (or more likely) all of the above jobs for her family, it’s given lesser value or consideration than someone who works outside the home? You hear “I like to get dinner ready and the house clean for my husband who worked all day he deserves to relax when he gets home”, as if you sat around watching tv all day? Just because you enjoy it, or it’s for your own benefit doesn’t make it any less of a real fulltime job. You deserve sick days and breaks throughout the day like any corporate job would...except you never actually get them. The person bringing in a paycheck doesn’t contribute a greater value to your family than you. And same goes for working mums—you already have one full time job, don’t discredit the work left at home as just “chores” that you additionally take on as “lesser value” expected tasks. If two people work outside of the home then two people need to be responsible for domestic work. These are full time jobs. Spouses cutting the grass and taking out the trash is not equivalent to cooking, childcare and cleaning. We need to stop ignoring the home in the overall picture of a healthy family life. We all need a safe place to live that is clean, we all need to eat nutritious food, and our children NEED someone to look after them. These things have a real invaluable place in society. As a working mum, I'm finding more and more how hard it is to bridge that gap, to manage two workplaces essentially, the home AND the outside work. All attention and focus goes to work outside of the home, but the home life doesn't just sustain itself. We are neglecting the importance of our domestic life in favour of the outside working life. This goes for both working mums and SAHM's. We need to stop ignoring that piece of the puzzle if we want to create the complete picture. As it stands now, most working mums cannot afford help in the home which is effecting our mental and physical health--SAHM's don't get any sort of financial nest eggs or assistance at basically working for free, which makes them more vulnerable to abuse.
4. Men need to be included in the domestic work in a way that sets them up for success. You are doing your family or spouse more harm than good by taking it all on yourself. -- By not giving dads a real opportunity to be involved in domestic duties you are depriving them and the children the full depth of a parent child bond and perpetuating that domestic life isn’t as valuable as outside work, or that domestic work is strictly a "woman's" domain. If you are a SAHM, and your job is to care for the house and kids, you just worked a full 8 hour day, just like your spouse. Because you stayed at home all day, most likely the basic chores have been done (though, kids are wild and even things like unloading a dishwasher can't be tackled), and maybe dinner is cooking. That alone is taking so much off of your spouses plate. Every family situation is different, every work situation is different, however, both you and your spouse are entitled to decompress a little after a full day. Dads need to be incorporated into the childcare aspect at the very least when they come home. Maybe since you spent all day with the kids, your husband gives them a bath and puts them to bed. Or, if you are a dual income house, maybe you split the bedtime duties, giving you the chance to spend SOME time with your children, after being gone all day--and just "play time" alone isn't enough or fair. I think a big way we fall down in including men into the domestic responsibilities, is for the same reason working mothers are struggling. The workforce was never set up with women or mothers in mind, and homemaking was never set up with men in mind. Now, some people will use this as an excuse to perpetuate that it shows that "a woman's place is at home", but studies have shown that over and over again, that fathers who are more involved at home make happier, more successful children. Children gain an enormous value from having fathers be just as involved in their upbringing as the mothers. And, I argue that men also gain just as much value from this. My husband is an equal partner in childrearing, and I'm in awe to see how much he has completely flourished and grown in this role. The truth is, most of us don't find fulfillment in our jobs. It's a paycheck. But a lot of us do find fulfillment in parenting. But to my point, we aren't setting men up to be successful in these roles, because men don't always think or approach things the same way as women. How many times have we had arguments with our partners because they ignored a mess, or didn't clean/do something properly, or we had to "nag" them to follow up on a chore...I know I have. But then I decided to take a step back and change my perspective on the home and family, and look at it as almost a military or corporate environment. Women don't thrive on deadlines and assigned tasks. We are better able to multitask, switch gears. To be too hyperfocused on one thing doesn't work so well when you have so many jobs to tackle at once. But men seem to work better with structure and direction. I feel like women see the big picture, and can zoom in from there, but men need to break things into smaller tasks before they can see the bigger picture. When a man retorts with "I'm not a mind reader", they are being just as dismissive to your needs and views as you would be by saying "you should just know". The truth is we are different. We were raised different, our brains function differently...but, I've found my partner excels in the household if he is given clear directions and expectations within the household. If instead of viewing it as two separate worlds, work and home, I approach it as equal sectors of one unit. Like how accounting is just as valuable to a corporation as their sales team. We are all operating for one goal, and one greater good. If your partner works outside the home, and you stay at home, then you need to view yourself as the manager of the home and delegate accordingly. How can you help your partner in their work day, and how can they help you in yours? You are on the same team. If you both work outside of the home, then you both need to take equal responsibility for the domestic work. You are both managers of the home, how can you support each other? What does one person do better than the other? Being passive aggressive because your spouse doesn't naturally see what needs to be done like you do, doesn't help anyone. Your spouse becomes defensive, and never learns, and feels out of place in home where you have inserted yourself as manager instead of an equal partner.
5. Other people’s choices don’t discredit yours no matter what they say. -- Everything seems to be a targeted attack these days. People can’t seem to live in a way that makes them happy without you feeling threatened by it. If a woman is happiest at home catering to their husbands whims, that has no effect on your choice to be a stay at home dad. One is not a threat to the other unless you begin to feel superior to another. That the way you choose to live your life is so superior you want to control the narrative and influence personal choices of others in your life by attacking someone else to lift yourself up. I can’t help but ask myself who is benefiting from staging us against each others? Definitely not the mothers. Lumping one group as “those people” keep us divided. Each side more extreme in their POV echoed by peers and targeted social media. We have been fed that it's an "us" versus "them" issue. That one side is pushing us back into the stone age, and undoing all the progress we have made in the feminist movement. The other side feels attacked for finding joy and value in living a life at home and as a mother, that society has stopped valuing their contribution...really, society as a whole hasn't changed much in the past 40 years. The workforce has more working mothers than ever before, but work culture and regulations have not changed to accommodate that. We have to change to accommodate them. SAHM's have always existed, but we have not elevated their status to show the equal contribution they have in our society. In the end, society is still just exploiting women. A capitalistic profit driven society benefits more from more people in the workforce. I think we are all angry at the same thing, a lack of choice and a lack of respect. Women fought hard to enter the workforce and gain independence and equal rights so that we could have the CHOICE of what our life would look like. But are choices are still being under attack. Being a SAHM or a working mum is no longer a choice for a lot of us. We are being goaded into believing one is more valuable than the other, and that's just not true. If you find peace and fulfillment at home, that doesn't make you any less educated or independent of a woman. And if you love your career and thrive in your work, that doesn't make you any less feminine (because apparently we can't be feminine and work anymore according to some...) or as good of a mother. We are humans and multifaceted and cannot and should not be defined by one singular role.

This ended up being some sort of weird feminist manifesto, which isn't want I intended, but I guess I had a lot to say on the subject. I suppose I'm just scared at how well social media has gotten at dividing us. Social media isn't inherently good or bad, it's a tool for connection, but now even mothers are being pitted against each other. We all know it takes a village to raise a family, but we've pitted the village against each other. We are too busy claiming we are "under attack" from our peers, when we're just puppets--they want us to feel "triggered", and I'm glad. Because now I'm triggered, but it's not at the "trad wife" who is harkening back to a world that never existed, but at the people who are instigating this. Who are filling women's heads with this nonsense, and trying to box up our "values" or what "femininity" means...what it means to be a woman and mother. Because being a woman and mother has meant a lot of different things throughout history. We control our own narratives. We need to stop insinuating that our way is the "right" way, or that society is faltering because women are no longer "feminine" or because women want to go back to staying at home. All of this is "right", all of this is "feminine". Being a woman can mean whatever you want it to mean, and being a mother just means loving your kids and doing your best everyday.
***NOTES: I know this was a very hetero/cis centric post that focused a lot of perceived gender norms that excludes the same-sex or trans families...even single mothers. It was written as a reaction to a "trad wife" trend that is extremely hetero/cis centric, so my reaction to it is from this perspective as a hetero/cis mother. However, I know these values and views totally effect all families no matter what they look like. So, I just wanted to put it out there that I see you, and would love to hear your voice on this as well.
Also, a lot of sweeping generalities in here as well. These are broad sweeping statements and generalisations based on societies general assumptions about genders and family life. Right, wrong or myopic, it's what we live in. My point in all this IS that every family and every person is unique, and that we can't keep functioning under the assumption that there is only one way or one family dynamic out there.

I am 1 week in again Yes, i relapsed after my last stretch but this time I am going to try my best.
This time around I have a slight light headness every once in a while and I don't know if it's normal or it's sometjing playing in my head. Did this happen with anyone else. If yes then how did you get through it.
Gonna keep going. Cheers to everyone who is on this path!

There is no credit to reap for the sometimes gruelling work it takes to stay balanced. It can get aggressively busy inside your head. It can get eerily quiet. It can get tedious and boring. You can suddenly plunge into a pit of despair. But you can also gain deep insights that serve you well, whether you are sick or not. Navigating all this on a daily basis takes effort. No one is there in the evening congratulating me on making it another day without cracking up. I know life is hard for a lot of people, and I am not entitled to any special recognition, but fuck it, it stings. Anyone else feel similar? If so, here - I present you with this virtual medal (just picture it!) for making it another day living with that hornet's nest of potential insanity that you carry over your head. And, if this is one of those days where you feel exceptionally raw and can't hold it together, you too get a medal, a hug, and a few words of wisdom from Leonard Cohen:
The birds they sang At the break of day Start again I heard them say ... Ring the bells That still can ring Forget your perfect offering There is a crack, a crack in everything That's how the light gets in.
Tomorrow is another day. There is joy in trying.

Link for all the chapters available for free here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Having said his piece, Rene had expected the woman to accept her role as a prisoner of the Fleet. But no sooner had he taken his knee of her back than she was at him again, rolling over and cursing as she tried to spit him on her claws. Training kicked in and Rene applied the wrestling component of his hand-to-hand combat course. He secured underhooks with his arms, locking them together with his hands and hugging her tight from behind. Zildiz bucked and twisted around in a futile attempt to make room for her blades, even managing to get one of her knees beneath her and push off the ground. Rene allowed her to gain her feet, cunningly using the opening to slip the loop of his encircling arms around her waist. Now in complete control of her center of gravity, Rene swung his leg out and arched his back, heaving her up and over like a sack of turnips in a textbook suplex. A fraction of a second before he smashed the top of her skull into the hard ground, he remembered that he was supposed to keep prisoners alive and preferably not in a vegetative state, and so he cushioned the fall with his own body, falling on his side to increase surface area and dissipate the force.
Zildiz was caught totally by surprise. Unlike Rene she had neglected to tuck in her chin before the moment of impact, a vital detail which was one of the first things a recruit was taught to do on the mats.
“Oof!” she said as all the breath slammed out of her by the throw. Rene felt her body go limp as her dazed senses tried to adjust to the violent change of orientation. He took advantage of this moment of weakness and looped his legs around her body, locking his ankles together to form a full body triangle. His left forearm punched up and took her neck in a rear naked choke, a suffocating vise formed by the insides of his elbow crushing her windpipe and carotid arteries.
“I warned you,” he told her. His choking hand grabbed the inside of his other elbow, right forearm sneaking behind her neck and under his armpit, tightening the garrote even further.
“Had enough?”
“Hrrnnkk…” Zildiz choked. She lifted an arm and slid back the blade until it was the length of a finger, deliberately giving Rene the universal gesture to go and fornicate with himself, before sheathing the claw entirely and aiming her fist at him over her shoulder.
Rene ducked as the blade shot out again, only just avoiding it going through his eye socket and into his brain. As it was, it only nicked his temple, sending warm lines of blood trickling down his visor. Rene hugged her even tighter, constricting the chokehold until he heard her breathing reduced to an agonized wheeze. He throttled her until she stopped moving, her struggles weakening until she went completely lax. Then he held the choke for exactly three seconds longer, counting carefully to avoid giving her lasting brain damage. He let go and was relieved to hear her snoring faintly. Gently rolling her onto her back so she didn’t suffocate in the dirt, Rene cast about for a means to secure his prisoner. He had only a few seconds before she regained consciousness. Quickly he cut some vines from the surrounding trees and knotted them into a crude rope. He flipped her back over again and tied her hands at the wrists and elbows. He had no illusions that it would hold her for long. He tied her wings together at their bases for good measure. She had two sets of them, but the larger pair was missing one of its partners that had been torn off at the socket to reveal a gaping wound. They were wondrously tough membranes considering how thin and flexible they were, as sturdy as ultrapod leather. Rene looked over his work and loosened it a bit so as not to cut off the circulation in her arms. It wasn’t bad for something done on the fly. Then again, he’d been playing this whole thing by ear ever since the ambush that had cut his unit to pieces. Ye gods, but that whole experience felt like a lifetime ago. He had not expected to ever use that component of his hand-to-hand training designed for fighting human opponents. Of course, he’d helped put down a fair share of civil unrest in his time, but even during the worst of the food riots in Mound Ulysses he’d never so much as given a person a light shove. The civilians knew better than to antagonize a battalion of the Fleet’s finest over something as routine and reoccurring as a government rationing in the face of crop failure.
He felt quite bad about having to roughhouse the woman, that is, until she sat up awake and glowered hatefully at him, coughing and retching.
“Don’t,” he pleaded with her in exasperation as she gave him the old stink eye, “I don’t want to fight you again.”
“Why?” she spat defiantly, “Afraid you’d lose?”
“Uh huh,” Rene grunted, amused and even a little impressed by her spunk. She couldn’t have weighed more than sixty kilos soaking wet and was at least half a foot shorter than him even with that exomorph of hers, but this woman was all fight and no quit. She would have to be, living on the surface world and facing these abominations day after day. Rene looked at the dismembered corpses of the black-furred devils and had a sudden jolt of inspiration. As Zildiz tested the strength of her restraints Rene went over to the monster he had chopped to bits and poked the misshapen hump on its back, which had excreted thick ribbons of silk at the moment of death. Feeling more than a little squeamish, Rene pulled on the threads of silk. He had only meant to collect two or three meters of the material, but more and more of the stuff kept unwinding out its glands like a handkerchief from a magician’s pocket. Eventually his hands became enmeshed in the horrid stuff and he had to struggle like the dickens to unstick himself and scrape it off onto a bush where it stuck like a lumpy hammock. Remembering how his enemy had plugged the stab wound in its gut, Rene snapped off a twig and curled it into the white mess like those vendors at the fairs did with candy cloud treats, ending up with a spool of silk. He applied it to the cut on his temple by winding it around his head like a bandage, and was gratified when it stopped the bleeding almost immediately. He heard the rustle of dead leaves and turned around to find Zildiz furtively attempting to sidle away from him.
“Don’t even try it,” he told her, “Or I’ll run you down and knock you senseless. I’m taking you back to civilization. The Fleet needs to know what it’s up against out here, and you’re a veritable trove of information.”
Zildiz squatted back down and stared at him, simmering with resentment. Rene shook his head and continued his work, moving on to the monster that had been the first to die at the woman’s hands. Cutting open its hump, Rene was rewarded with a dense lump of thread still packed inside its spinneret. He took another twig and spooled it in, then wrapped the bundle of silk in a large leaf.
A leg twitched of its own accord. Rene nearly dropped the bundle as he sprang back, sword upraised. The devil’s limbs began doing a tap dance and Rene relaxed a bit, recognizing it as the onset of rigor mortis. The side of its face was split open and hanging loosely by a strap of flesh. Struck by a nagging suspicion, Rene stooped down and peeled off the segments of its head, holding the edge of his sword against its neck to decapitate it in the event that it proved too lively for his liking.
The musculature and armor tore away just like it had with Zildiz’s helm, and for the second time that night he found himself staring into the face of another living human being. Only this time it was a man whose face was utterly disfigured, a perversion of the basic form. In the place of his lower jaw were fingerlike protrusions of gummy tissue and exposed nerve endings. His nose cartilage was likewise missing, leaving only a pair of holes dribbling with snot. The man blinked, and glassy eyes with almost no whites at their edges fixed Rene in their gaze.
“Kill…me…” the man whispered.
Rene began to shake uncontrollably, wiping a trembling hand across his mouth as he was forced to consider the carnage he’d just wrought in a new and horrifying light. These weren’t three dead monsters littering the jungle floor; these were three dead men, and some of them he had killed himself.
“Kill me!” the man begged him. He was young, barely Rene’s age, his smooth skin untroubled by the wrinkles of age and worry. He had clear brown pupils and dark, expressive brows. If it weren’t for all the rest of him, Rene might’ve mistaken him for a fresh-faced recruit at the academy, or a paperboy climbing up the terraced apartments of inner hive to deliver news of the Fleet’s latest victory.
On unsteady legs Rene staggered back to Zildiz’s side and away from the awful truth he had uncovered.
“Something the matter?” Zildiz asked in a gleeful tone, “Feeling a little worse for wear, are we?”
“Shut it,” Rene said distantly. He dragged Zildiz to her feet and began winding the silk around her wrists, layering them over thick and tying them off with a simple knot. He kept the vines on her for added insurance and told her to start walking.
“Where to?” she demanded.
“I’m not feeding you to my children, if that’s what you’re asking,” he muttered, “I don’t have any to begin with, and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t raise them to be cannibals.”
Zildiz didn’t move, so Rene grabbed her and frog marched her away. He had no real destination in mind—he just had to get away from this place and the bodies he’d made. Zildiz rounded on Rene, saying:
“Aren’t you going to deal with him? I only severed his neural connection to paralyze his exomorph. He’s still very much alive.”
“No!” Rene yelled, “That’s not how I—how people do things. Almighty ancestors, is that so hard for you to grasp?”
“Yes,” Zildiz replied quite candidly.
“He’s a living, breathing human being. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but those are pretty rare on Arachnea and worth keeping around.”
“No. He is a Leaper. After extracting your gilt helix, he and his packmates would devoured you right then and there.”
“That’s why you saved me, isn’t it? So they couldn’t obtain this shiny helix thing?”
Zildiz ignored his question, continuing:
“If you leave him here, at best he will die of exposure. At worst, his tribe will come looking for him, and if they find him, they will run us down and kill us anyway.”
Rene bit his lip. She spoke the truth and they both knew it. But after all this world had already taken from him, there remained one thing which he refused to part with. And Rene knew that if he gave in now and took the expedient option—the sensible option—he would be surrendering it forever.
“Sorry,” he said finally, “That’s against the rules.”
He dragged Zildiz over to the Leaper and spoke to him, saying:
“I won’t kill you. I’m not about to eat you either, so you can stop begging for a quick death. As long as you tell me what I want to know, we’ll leave you here and go our separate ways. I might even patch your wounds if you’re cooperative. Does that strike you as a fair bargain?”
The Leaper met this pronouncement with a look of utter perplexity that mirrored the one on Zildiz’s face.
“I’ll take that silence as a yes,” Rene said impatiently, “You’ll begin by telling me your name.”
“Kryptusshh,” the Leaper said slowly, as if not daring to hope.
“Very good. Are there any more of your people out there, Kryptus?”
“Why sshhould I trusht you? I would only be dooming more of my kindred, and there issh no certainty you would not kill me afterwardssh.”
“It’s a chance you have to take,” Rene shrugged, “Either that, or I’ll let this woman do as she pleases with you. And just between you and me,” he said in a loud stage whisper, “She doesn’t seem all that fond of your sort.”
Zildiz and Kryptus locked eyes with each other. Rene could almost feel the waves of hatred coming off her as she bristled, every tendon in her body tensing expectantly. Kryptus must have seen something he didn’t like, for he looked away and said:
“I am a warrior of the Weeping Vipersh. We are roughly eleven hundred sshtrong. One tenth of that number are bravesshh like me.”
“He lies,” Zildiz said, baring her teeth in a snarl, “That is less than half their true strength. He does not count the adolescents and the old loom-mothers, who are the deadliest of their kind.”
“Three hundred, then, if they are consshidered,” Kryptman quickly admitted, “Your pardon, merciful one.”
“I’ll excuse your forgetfulness just this once,” Rene warned, “But your memory better not fail you again.”
He questioned the Leaper closely. Kryptus claimed that only he and his pack had seen the safety pod’s crash landing, and that they had told no one else as they wished to claim the great prize all for themselves. The Weeping Vipers were the largest tribe in the rainforest and were always looking for an advantage over their numerous and belligerent neighbors. Apparently Kryptus had hoped to gain a modicum of the Divine Engine’s power by extracting something called a ‘gilt helix’ from Rene’s blood.
“Jussht one sample would have shatishfied uss,” Kryptus swore, “Then we would have taken you back to the Loom alive.”
“I’m sure nothing would’ve pleased you better,” Rene said wryly, all too cognizant of Zildiz’s earlier assumption that he planned to feed her to the Fleet’s youth.
Rene learned from Kryptus that the Divine Engine had ignited a blazing wildfire that was swiftly spreading north and west. The tribes would likely have noticed it by now, and would all be sending braves in a joint effort to douse the flames. For some reason all the Leapers felt collectively responsible for the wellbeing of the region, and could not allow it to come to harm for fear of dire repercussions.
“Last question. Is anyone going to come looking for you?”
“Not till the morning.”
“Good!” said Zildiz, breaking out of Rene’s grip and aiming a vicious kick at the side of the Leaper’s head. Rene barely caught her and yanked her back, shouting:
“Blood and thunder, woman! Is there nothing you won’t do to piss me off?”
“Are you insane? You cannot possibly mean to leave him alive!” the Gallivant hissed.
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Now come here!”
Rene took her by the elbow and pulled her forward, leaving Kryptus where he lay.
“You promished you would tend to my woundssh!” the Leaper cried after them.
“Don’t push your luck!” Rene said over his shoulder, “Anyone who follows us will meet the same end as your friends.”
He and his prisoner went tramping off into the night, Zildiz raging at him all the while.
“Fool! We will both come to regret that decision!”
“You’re probably right,” Rene had to agree.
“Then why did you do it?”
“For the same reason I’m letting you strut around and screech into my ear. What can I say? I’m a conversationalist.”
Link for all the chapters available for free here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

Next week, I have to temporarily switch to an open office format at work with everyone in my department, including department heads. I usually am able to keep my focus through my caffeine stash, using candy, fidget toys, etc. I will have access to none of that, and I'll also be surrounded by other people.
On top of this, I have an anxiety and sensory issue. Being surrounded by several people under flourecent lights for 9 hours a day is a genuine nightmare for me. In school, classrooms caused me to have panic attacks. I really do not want that to happen in front of coworkers.
Any advice or tips on how to survive this week? I can't call out and asking for accommodations is kind of tricky business. I'm hoping for things I can reasonably handle myself.

so I've have have so much pain through my head spreading through my arms and back. At first thought it was my carpel tunnel in my left arm but i think that's something different but my blood pressure has been getting very high. My anxiety does raise the blood pressure up but here lately it's been raising it up high and im only 24. I'm getting bad headaches and random pains my head is sensitive all that. ANYWAYSSSSS I am scared to death, i am already i hypocondriac where i obsess over my health and just my thought alone have been raising the BP very high. i have read that ON can cause extremely high blood pressure. I'm wondering if im going to die bc idk how long i have already had it, and last night my bp was the highest its been but i see my doc Monday and I'm scared something is going to happen between that time like a heart attack. ik ON causes stores when it spreads out through the body which the pain has already spread though my body.... is there a cure and will i die... I'm scared bc my blood pressure is high rn and my heart hurts from last night bc of how high it was i think i may have had a mini heart attack without knowing and ut damaged my heart idk why it feels weak n damaged but just need some reassurance also what tests do i need to take to be diagnosed with it and can they do that in the ER

🔎 Game Details 🪑 6/6 spots open ⏰ Weekly, 3-4 hours ✅ Vetted Players ➡️SCHEDULE CHAT 💵 $30/week (10% monthly discount) 🎧 Discord Community 🌎Website ⚖️Code of Conduct

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Humblewood is an ancient and magical place that hums an endless song, sung to the Great Rhythm of life and death. The wood, as it is known to its inhabitants, is not like any forest you’ve seen before. The trees are powerful and old, with rare specimens that reach as tall as small mountains. Here familiar beasts grow to unusual sizes, bearing markings and patterns unique to the Wood. This region is also home to two groups of animal-like humanoid races, the birdfolk and the humblefolk. Together they share the Wood and its bountiful resources. In previous times Birdfolk and Humblefolk lived in tandem but apart. Sprawled in separate villages around the forest they were vulnerable to attacks from organised brigands and murderers who united under a banner and called themselves the “Bandit Coalition”. The birdfolk in a bid to protect themselves built fortified cities in the forest canopy and lent the aid of their “Perch Guard” to the Humblefolk to push back the bandits to bring peace and security to the region. Over time the culture of the birdfolk spread, and the capital city of Alderheart became the most politically influential place in the wood. Not all stories end in such victory though… Not long after Alderhearts founding a massive forest fire known now as “The Great Calamity” burned away an entire portion of the wood. The origins of this fire are unknown to this day however the remains of the damage are now known as “The Scorched Grove” which has been left barren, aside from the flame infused creatures that now stalk the land. An organisation of druids and mystics known as “The Tenders” have dedicated themselves to trying to heal the grove. Set up in conclaves around the wood they provide aid whenever forest fires strike however there has been remarkably few fires ever since the first burning ages ago. With the spark of a new age in the making, forest fire reports have been on the rise and it’s said the fury and rage of these burning instances rival the fires of ages past.. Humblefolk are being displaced from their homes and Birdfolk are focusing on barricading the way up to their perches rather than opening up. Relationships between the people are tense and reaching a boiling point. None of this is helped by a past enemy rearing its ugly head. The Bandit Coalition is back from the brink and swelling in number. With their sites set on the capital where many are fleeing too looking for aid. With all these threads intertwined into a wick that’s ready to light at moments notice… which if any strangers will find each other in these dire times and forge a new annal in the history of Humblewood?

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🔎 Game Details 🪑 6/6 spots open ⏰ Weekly, 3-4 hours ✅ Vetted Players ➡️SCHEDULE CHAT 💵 $30/week (10% monthly discount) 🎧 Discord Community 🌎Website ⚖️Code of Conduct

📄 ADVENTURE DETAILS

Humblewood is an ancient and magical place that hums an endless song, sung to the Great Rhythm of life and death. The wood, as it is known to its inhabitants, is not like any forest you’ve seen before. The trees are powerful and old, with rare specimens that reach as tall as small mountains. Here familiar beasts grow to unusual sizes, bearing markings and patterns unique to the Wood. This region is also home to two groups of animal-like humanoid races, the birdfolk and the humblefolk. Together they share the Wood and its bountiful resources. In previous times Birdfolk and Humblefolk lived in tandem but apart. Sprawled in separate villages around the forest they were vulnerable to attacks from organised brigands and murderers who united under a banner and called themselves the “Bandit Coalition”. The birdfolk in a bid to protect themselves built fortified cities in the forest canopy and lent the aid of their “Perch Guard” to the Humblefolk to push back the bandits to bring peace and security to the region. Over time the culture of the birdfolk spread, and the capital city of Alderheart became the most politically influential place in the wood. Not all stories end in such victory though… Not long after Alderhearts founding a massive forest fire known now as “The Great Calamity” burned away an entire portion of the wood. The origins of this fire are unknown to this day however the remains of the damage are now known as “The Scorched Grove” which has been left barren, aside from the flame infused creatures that now stalk the land. An organisation of druids and mystics known as “The Tenders” have dedicated themselves to trying to heal the grove. Set up in conclaves around the wood they provide aid whenever forest fires strike however there has been remarkably few fires ever since the first burning ages ago. With the spark of a new age in the making, forest fire reports have been on the rise and it’s said the fury and rage of these burning instances rival the fires of ages past.. Humblefolk are being displaced from their homes and Birdfolk are focusing on barricading the way up to their perches rather than opening up. Relationships between the people are tense and reaching a boiling point. None of this is helped by a past enemy rearing its ugly head. The Bandit Coalition is back from the brink and swelling in number. With their sites set on the capital where many are fleeing too looking for aid. With all these threads intertwined into a wick that’s ready to light at moments notice… which if any strangers will find each other in these dire times and forge a new annal in the history of Humblewood?

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multiple content warnings, i’m sorry, this will be long, this isn’t even everything and it’s a damn book i am 19. i was 11 when i had to grow up. my parents decided to divorce after months of fighting, letting us know a week before my 12th birthday. you know, the classic divorce story. my dad moved out and my mom started dating people. it moved so fast. we moved to a different area, even though we had just moved into a new house a year earlier, leaving my childhood hometown behind. my mom was trying to pursue school so we were living on student aid and stamps. (i have 3 siblings, so there were 5 of us) i started middle school in that area and was doing pretty well off. then my mom got pretty serious with someone i’m going to call SOB, he doesn’t deserve a name. my mom and SOB were dating for two months before that thing proposed to my mom. we met him once before he was labeled our step dad. my mom sat us down and told us we’d be moving to idaho to be closer to her family. come to find out, the whole reason for going there was because SOB is an ex convict and he couldn’t leave idaho because that’s were his parole was.
we were told at the time that he was framed for kidnapping and he had a whole story crafted to back it up. being a kid and needing my mom, i didn’t ask or dig about it. so we moved to idaho. i started school there and immediately got death threats. i got called a hoe relentlessly for seemingly being pretty. eventually things calmed down and i had friends, but that place was tiny and once people have formed an opinion of you, there’s no changing it, so it was hard to get around.
SOB was awful to my younger brother. we’ll call this brother zayn. zayn has bad adhd and has always struggled with school. he’s one of the smartest people i know, but getting assignments in is not his forte. so as a result he’s never had the highest grades. SOB hated the fact that my brother wasn’t doing great and would literally stand there and scream at him to get his work done. there was one time that i was in my room and i started to hear my brother screaming so immediately i’m upstairs to help him, SOB was literally chasing my brother around our house with a damn bat screaming at him like a demon was coming out. i yelled at him to leave my brother alone and things just got darker after that. me and my brother were scum to him and he ran our house like the hunger games. my other little brother and my older sister were prized jewels, they got everything they wanted and more, and SOB would rub it in our faces. he even gave my dog away, i went days worrying about her and looking because i thought she had ran away, to find out that some other person had my dog now and i wouldn’t ever get her back.
fasting forward a little, SOB violated his parole by going on a trip that wasn’t fully approved and got put back in jail right before christmas. my mom completely threw herself into trying to get him out. me and my sister noticed that my mom hadn’t gotten a single thing to be santa for my brothers, so we scraped up the money we had to get gifts so my brothers wouldn’t lose their christmas spirit seeing that santa didn’t come when things were already so bad as it was. i love that i was able to do this for them, the smiles on their faces, i will never forget that christmas.
after a long time of having a very absent mother, she was able to get SOB out of jail. he came back even worse of a monster then when he left. he sexually assaulted my mom, committed all kinds of fraud, basically stole all of my papa’s retirement money, the list goes on. my mom decided she wanted a divorce and when he found out, he went crazy. he locked all of us out of our house and threw our things on the lawn. it rained, i lost so many things, a one of a kind paper mache venitian mask i had gotten on a trip with my dad to italy included.
it’s 2020 by now and we went on a trip to Texas, to meet the person my dad was dating. on the trip, I very much learned that she was not for my dad. but, all reasoning was in vain. my dad proposed, and we had literally just met her. so that was that my dad was engaged now and focused on trying to move them out to him and getting a new house. my mom decided at that time that she wanted to move too so we had a choice, move to my dads and go back to the area i grew up in, or go with my mom to another ranch town in idaho. i chose my dads. my brothers came with, but my sister stayed with my grandparents where we lived in idaho so she could graduate.
things were fine for a bit. my mom was dating a lot and even got engaged. then she told us about this other guy she had been seeing, who had given her a 500 mile ride home from somewhere. immediately suspicious, especially because she wouldn’t drop a name. come to find out other guy was SOB. SOB proposes to her again and she’s got two engagement rings from two different people. everyone was like, what the actual shit are you doing. my mom was in a very cooky state of mind, broke things off with the other guy, and stayed with SOB. there was a weekend in september that my cousin had something going on so my extended family and everything was all there and we decided there needed to be some kind of intervention. to keep things short, it didn’t go well. my mom ended up leaving and she told me and my sister that she didn’t want to be our mom anymore. found out through facebook a couple days later that my mom and SOB were married.
then came the everlasting fun of a custody battle. my step mom had gotten into my dads head saying he needed to take full custody. now i wasn’t the biggest fan of my mom at the time, but that didn’t mean i never wanted to see her. my parents hated each other. there were a few times in exchanges that the cops ended up being called.
for a while my dad had pretty bad anger issues. low blood sugar, overstimulation, bad smells, anything could set him off. i just so happened to have a very large target on my back so i got the brunt of everything. i wouldn’t let him yell at my brothers and this resulted in me getting the lashings, but i would do it all again if that meant protecting my brothers. he wasn’t angry all the time, there were a lot of good days, but it was definitely pretty tortuous for a while. a lot of the problem, which i knew would happen to begin with, was my step mom. she is one of the laziest people i’ve ever known, which is the complete opposite of my dad. my dad likes to do things, he’s always active. so he was frustrated because he would want to do things with his wife there, and she would almost always refuse, so she could have a quiet day in bed. my step mom had also convinced herself that i was stealing from her. she ransacked my room multiple times, to no avail. she took my car keys ‘until she could prove i was taking things from her’ and i only got them back because they were sick of giving me rides places. she actually ended up stealing some of my things trying to claim they were hers, so she hid them and i haven’t seen them since.
so yeah i got yelled at a lot, accused of being a thief, and my relationship with my mom was shit + the joys of high school. i have been doing musical theater my whole life. when i first got to my new high school i was so excited because, although i wasn’t able to audition for the productions companies that year, the teacher told me i was a shoe in for the next year. she ended up leaving and we got a new teacher, if you can even call her that. so it’s my junior year, the first year with her, and it wasn’t bad, i got some good parts and did really well. i ended up getting nominated for an award for one of my performances and it was at this time, i don’t know what happened, but she did not like me anymore. she told me that she accepted the nomination for me, but i found out not too long later that she never accepted it and i was in favor to win so the judges were very puzzled by it. she accepted my friends nominations and kinda rubbed it in my face that i never got anything back. like’ awe are you sad because you didn’t hear anything from the judges? well so and so over here did😈’
the summer after that year i cut my hair pretty short. i wouldn’t say i’m not ‘girly’ but i definitely have a more masculine ‘bro’ persona comparatively. so now it’s my senior year, it matters a lot more at this point to try for good parts because it’s my last run. to keep it simple, my teacher wouldn’t cast me because i was too masculine, not even as a guy ?? idk make it make sense. i got one part my entire senior year, and i know it’s not because i’m bad. but i wrote and produced my own show that ended up being 100x the quality of the shows she produced, so i did get redemption. long story short, it really sucks to watch the peers your just as good as continue to succeed, while you get kicked out of the room for being distracting when you haven’t said a word. the reason they didn’t like me ? i’m good at improv, i kid you not i was told i was too creative and it bothered them. i know my presence scared the teachers there because i’m not a classic conformist theater kid that does anything and everything the teacher says.
anyways, so after years of trying to rekindle a relationship with my mom, fighting with an ass teacher and getting yelled at almost daily, a lot of worth questioning, and a flurry of weed later, i graduated.
both of my brothers in this time attempted to end their lives and were in facilities for a bit. i decided at that time to move in with my mom to hopefully help our relationship. it did a lot. me and my mom are best friends now. but it hasn’t been because of nothing. SOB had become the most controlling narcissistic asshole and my mom was just acting having any feelings for him so he wouldn’t take everything away from her. he monitored everything my mom did. he hit my mom in an intimate moment, and almost beat zayn, but i covered him and ended up slicing my arm open on our fireplace, once again i would do this 100 times over to protect my brother. i decided i wanted to dig everything up on him that i could. what i found was mortifying. i won’t go into too much detail, but there were a lot of charges, multiple of them being SA of a child. i vowed at that moment that i would do anything it takes to get him back behind bars. he’s actively on the offender list and he works across the street from a preschool, not on my fukin watch ass hat.
i will never forget the true terror on my moms face that that man caused. it got to the point where my mom would get really scared if she started crying because she knew he’d freak out at her if he noticed. i came back to my locked room, that i have the only key to, with holes in my walls in weird places, and in my bathroom too. a couple days before, my brother found a camera in his room, so i knew what it was and that SOB was spying on me. i taped them all up and came to stay at my bfs house and have been here since. after months of his treacherous cycle my mom had enough and left to a safe house, she’s there now. the divorce is going though but from some reason the stupid system denied my mom a protective order against him. he has full access to our house and things right now, and he’s trying to make 90,000 so he can baile his way out of the insurance fraud case against him that could get him back in jail in june. i’m so worried he’s selling my things because he so would. everything i have left is in that house and it’s all at his whim now.
when i moved in with my mom, i started a job at a fancy high end restaurant because i knew it would be good money. i’ve had problems with this my entire life, but ever since starting my job there, i have experienced countless creeps who have sexualized me in more ways then i thought possible. it’s made me feel so worthless. it’s people i work with and people who come in. drunk guys from the bar are the worst, and they’re all filthy rich so they don’t care about a thing in the world. i need to quit but i don’t know where else to go
my dad has now decided as of like two weeks ago, that he will be moving to florida. i never anticipated him moving across the country and leaving the last place i could call home. he also started therapy a couple months ago and his anger issues are pretty much nonexistent at this point. so i got my dad back but now he’s leaving again. i always hoped that as i got older, my family would always be pretty close, close enough that i could seem them once a week if i wanted. it’s really killing me because i was so close to that, to getting my family back. my sister has been in france the last couple years and she’s coming back in a couple weeks. my dad will be moving almost immediately after. we finally got to a point where my mom is free, my dad is happy, we’re all healing, and now my family will be broken up more then ever before by distance. my parents don’t hate each other anymore, my sister is coming home, we would all be able to spend time together again, never more.
so i’m at this point now, where i’ve been fighting for my family, taking every hit with hope in my heart for something i was so close to having, for 7 years i’ve been hoping. and just like that, the light at the end of this very long, cold and dark tunnel fades, and i’m left once again, in the cold dark nothingness that is hoping for a better day, that will never come.
so i’m left questioning, is overcoming another mountain worth it if there’s a whole range of painful climbing ahead of me? i’m so tired, my whole body hurts every day, my mind and soul are toiled with the pain of my lifetime, everyone in my family is moving on with their own paths and it’s only a matter of time before i’m only hearing from them every once in a while. i don’t want to do life, the world is so messed up right now and i don’t see it getting better. there’s too much pain and i can’t handle it. nothing seems worth hoping let alone living for anymore. i bid you adieu and wish you all the best 💗

Fun fact that's actually real : you're not seeing your room, right now, the image you're seeing is inside your brain! Why? Because your eyes capture lights, and the optic nerve converts it into MICROSCOPIC signals that goes inside your brain, and thus, create a copy of the world outside INSIDE your brain. The image you see right now, likely of your phone as you read the following, is not outside of your body but in your brain. You're literally seeing an inner part, an inner mechanism of your brain. You've never seen the external world, who've always seen your brain.
Same goes for the sounds you're hearing: you don't hear things that are outside of your body: you only hear a copy inside your brain! Just like your eyes, your ears create a (imperfect) copy of the sounds happening outside, but in reality, you only hear a copy of them inside your brain. Where is your brain? Your brain is where you truly hear, where is your brain? Your brain is where you actually see. These images you see right now are a part of your brain, they're INSIDE of it, you've never seen the world, only a partial copy of it in your head.
But did you know these signals are around 500 angstroms of diameter? That's 1/1000 of the thickness of a hair! You only feel bigger than you are (a being operating at the microscopic scale) because of a magnifying effect.
It's truly awful to realize but maybe bringing us a step closer to true reality?

Welcome to CatCraft!
CatCraft is a smaller, adult only, community focused Minecraft server.
We started Season 1 on April 4, 2019. With the launch of 1.18, we began Season 2 in December 2021 to make the most of the new biomes. Our intention is a long term world, with a slow world border expansion as new 1.X updates are released. Currently, we're running 1.20.4, with a world border set at 15k in every direction. Our server is hosted in Ashburn, VA, on the eastern seaboard of the USA.
While we're a small-ish community (usually between 30 and 80 total active members), the admin staff is passionate about keeping the server going and providing as many quality of life options as possible. On top of having a Survival server, we also have a Creative server with world edit, as well as an Event server on standby for (a hopeful!) monthly UHC, community planned events, or the occasional ModPack. Bluemap runs on both Creative and Survival, as well as a discord Chat Bot.
Pictures Here!
Server Rules

1. Don't be a dick. I really think this kind of sums up all the rules, but I'll spell it out.
2. Don't steal shit, dupe, or grief. See rule 1.
3. We're a strict 21+ server. We are not child friendly. Swearing is fine, within reason. If that makes you uncomfortable, we are not the place for you.
4. PVP is turned on. This is not an excuse to be an asshole and snipe people. Play fair, help the loser pick up their stuff, and return all the things. See rule 1.
5. No hacking. No x-ray. No duping. No forcefield. Whatever might give you an unfair advantage.
6. Pranking is fine, within reason. Don't destroy someone's shit, or cover it with TNT and call it a prank.
7. In your application, please include your favorite breed of cat.
8. Patch up creeper holes, fully chop down trees, and don't leave dirt towers around. We all have to live here, let's try to keep it pretty looking.
9. Sign your stuff, keep the server easy to navigate.
10. Don't kill withers in the over-world. Just don't. It never goes well. Under the end portal please.
11. It's Fine.

Other Important Details

• No Enderman Griefing
• End Dragon drops an elytra, egg, and head
• AFK Detection
• Custom Trapdoor, bark block, stair, and carpet recipes.
• Back to Blocks
• Renewable Coral
• Ice is uncraftable
• 4 brick blocks instead of one
• Mending and Infinity on bows
• And a nametag mob silencer
• Universal Dyeing
• CoordinatesHUD
• Armor Stand Book
• Custom Head Selling Villagers
• All mobs have a chance of dropping heads
• Custom PVE group boss and single player dungeons.
• Fast Leaf Decay
• Redstone and Terracotta Wrenches
• Villager Workstation Highlights
• PVP Head Drop
• Craftable Light Blocks

More info on the above, or an application can be found on our Discord.

Welcome to CatCraft!
CatCraft is a smaller, adult only, community focused Minecraft server.
We started Season 1 on April 4, 2019. With the launch of 1.18, we began Season 2 in December 2021 to make the most of the new biomes. Our intention is a long term world, with a slow world border expansion as new 1.X updates are released. Currently, we're running 1.20.4, with a world border set at 15k in every direction. Our server is hosted in Ashburn, VA, on the eastern seaboard of the USA.
While we're a small-ish community (usually between 30 and 80 total active members), the admin staff is passionate about keeping the server going and providing as many quality of life options as possible. On top of having a Survival server, we also have a Creative server with world edit, as well as an Event server on standby for (a hopeful!) monthly UHC, community planned events, or the occasional ModPack. Bluemap runs on both Creative and Survival, as well as a discord Chat Bot.
Pictures Here!
Server Rules

1. Don't be a dick. I really think this kind of sums up all the rules, but I'll spell it out.
2. Don't steal shit, dupe, or grief. See rule 1.
3. We're a strict 21+ server. We are not child friendly. Swearing is fine, within reason. If that makes you uncomfortable, we are not the place for you.
4. PVP is turned on. This is not an excuse to be an asshole and snipe people. Play fair, help the loser pick up their stuff, and return all the things. See rule 1.
5. No hacking. No x-ray. No duping. No forcefield. Whatever might give you an unfair advantage.
6. Pranking is fine, within reason. Don't destroy someone's shit, or cover it with TNT and call it a prank.
7. In your application, please include your favorite breed of cat.
8. Patch up creeper holes, fully chop down trees, and don't leave dirt towers around. We all have to live here, let's try to keep it pretty looking.
9. Sign your stuff, keep the server easy to navigate.
10. Don't kill withers in the over-world. Just don't. It never goes well. Under the end portal please.
11. It's Fine.

Other Important Details

• No Enderman Griefing
• End Dragon drops an elytra, egg, and head
• AFK Detection
• Custom Trapdoor, bark block, stair, and carpet recipes.
• Back to Blocks
• Renewable Coral
• Ice is uncraftable
• 4 brick blocks instead of one
• Mending and Infinity on bows
• And a nametag mob silencer
• Universal Dyeing
• CoordinatesHUD
• Armor Stand Book
• Custom Head Selling Villagers
• All mobs have a chance of dropping heads
• Custom PVE group boss and single player dungeons.
• Fast Leaf Decay
• Redstone and Terracotta Wrenches
• Villager Workstation Highlights
• PVP Head Drop
• Craftable Light Blocks

More info on the above, or an application can be found on our Discord.