• At 4yo (No joke) I would throw kisses/kiss/hug people I got infatuated with. No matter if known, or just met in public and generally guys. One day, however, my Ma & I were walking through a public park as we passed a group of teens/young adults - including a "beautiful dark-skinned young woman with long black hair". According to my mother, the second I saw this woman, I immediately let go of her hand: Running after the young woman and grabbing HER hand instead. According to my mother I had an "intense smile and stare about me" like she never saw and, ofc threw kisses after her, once dragged away
• At 8yo, I'd read my mother's "big books" (I always forget the name, sorry). They included folklore, legends etc. along with beautiful A3-prints of paintings accompanying the stories. I. Was. So obsessed with the drawing of serene women. Big, small, thick, thin, mortal, nymphs...till this day, I wish I could kiss one.
• At 10yo, I played an online MMORPG. The MMORPG included a "dating" function, but all the male players seemingly acted like assholes. In true Ouran Hostclub Fashion, I decided "I bet I could be a better boyfriend than all of these men!" and created a male character. My online "relationship" lasted 1-2 years
• 11yo: Had a small petty meltdown over Kim Possible ending up with Ron Stoppable. "But Shego is way prettier!" :(
• At 13-14yo, my Pa dragged me to an art-convention. One of his mates drew very realistic pin-up drawings of women -gifting me a postcard as a joke. I kept that Postcard till I moved out at 19yo.
• 14yo: First "gay panic" cause of how attracted I was to a classmate. Imagine a 14yo Marilyn Monroe, incl. the absolute photogenic qualities. Which I am simply highlighting, cause this girl could also draw and I stared at her perfect portrait every time I passed the art-wing of my school.

Anyway, these are just a few examples. Obv. there are more 14+, but obv. most assholes that spout this "oh no LGBTQ+ are groomers" rhetoric, believe that kids below 10yo+ are straight white slates till "tainted". A thing which...as you can see...is pretty bullshit.

Ever-shifting Short Seller Claims

The short sellers attacking RILY in 2023-2024 have been relentless (currently 57% of float sold short per FinViz), with an ever-shifting list of wild accusations.
It's sickening to watch them compile a never-ending list of baseless wild theories and claims to support their short positions, which are demonstrably false. But as each is proved false, they pivot to new claims, and/or change the goalposts.
The sheer volume of shifting claims makes it hard to track how despotic they are with their "platform," and how many falsehoods they've spun. Even for someone who watched it in real-time, for almost a year

Compiled & Debunked

Sunlight kills vampires. To that end, I've compiled a list of (i) claimants (ii) claims (iii) reality (iv) definitive source proving reality.

Why Did They Target RILY?

One of the most vocal short sellers, Nate Koppikar (who also introduced Marc Cohodes to the "opportunity") has a fund Orso Partners. Based on their SEC registration document, this is their investment thesis:
"The Account’s investment objectives are to achieve capital appreciation primarily by identifying and selling short marketable equity securities of underfollowed and complex companies with misleading or corrective disclosures through a research-intensive process. The Account employs a short-biased investment strategy with an emphasis on primarily small to mid-cap companies that are underfollowed and complex (i.e., companies with market capitalizations of less than $5 billion which the market does not yet have a wellformed bull and/or bear perspective)."
RILY fits their description. The icing on the cake was the relatively large market cap, and the relatively small float. Given extremely high insider ownership (32.9% of shares per the proxy), and limitations on when and how insiders can trade, the "free float" of the stock (i.e., the shares that regularly trade) is very small for the size of the company. Moreover, the setup would only get better - given insiders have consistently used their free cash to buy additional shares hand-over-fist (further reducing the float).
That meant, with relatively small amounts of capital, the short sellers could shove around the stock price. That ability to move price opens another profit avenue - taking large derivative positions (buying puts, and selling calls), and shoving the price (or allowing it to drift up) to profit all along the way. It looked so good, the stock has been the highest-shorted on the US indices for several months. Even after the release of the 10-K, shares remain "hard to borrow" with elevated borrow fees.

Debunked Claims

The claims made by vocal short sellers could fill a book. Most were outrageous and fanciful when they were proposed. Virtually all have objectively debunked. This isn't a comprehensive list, as their claims are too numerous and varied. But it paints an illuminating picture.
With a track record this poor, one would expect the short sellers to exit - rather than continuing to spin new narratives. Perhaps the continued attacks are their exit strategy to avoid bankruptcy... Well, #Bullish.
With the highest short interest of all US stocks (albeit likely decreased from the highs of ~76% of the float), I think this is more than ripe for a return to fair value - or well above, if a short squeeze occurs.
Note: this sub disallows image posts. There is a similar post in the RILYStock sub which contains virtually all source images for the claim in the comments (too many images to embed in the post). The source images are illuminating.
Note that the list below deliberately excludes three types of posts/claims from the short sellers:
A) Juvenile personal attacks and attempts to character assassinate and dox a long list of people (RILY CEO, RILY new hires, RILY clients, Marcum the auditor, Marcum's lead audit professional, any firm or individual publicly posting a bull thesis on RILY, etc.).
B) Those that make no objective claims, but simply exist as a product of malicious degeneracy (like pictures of roasted pigs in ovens labeled Bryant Riley the CEO, photoshopped pictures of the CEO in prison chains next to convicted felons, video of an obese woman barely able to walk being gored by a bull labeled Mrs. Riley the CEO's wife, etc.).
C) Those that are impossible for short sellers to know, and impossible to objectively verify (e.g., Marc Cohodes claiming a single RILY trader front runs the CEOs personal short trades in front of clients taking following the firm's bullish advice on those stocks, to guarantee profits).

Claimant	Claim	Reality
1) Wolfpack	Wolfpack “RILY will record investment losses of up to ~$700 million in 2023” FALSE 10-K	FALSE
2) Wolfpack	“new loan to CORZQ will work out just as badly as the last and end in default (again) before June 2023”	Repaid in fullFALSE , early, on 1/6/2024.
3) Wolfpack	“The coupon rate on RILY’s seven issues of baby bonds ranges from 5% to 6.75%, which we believe to be far too low to compensate investors for the existential risk that accompanies these securities.”	Full redemption FALSE of May 2024 came early. Far more than sufficient cash to cover debt payments.
4) Wolfpack	“According to our analysis, 4 of RILY’s largest 7 corporate borrowers with outstanding loan balances of $295.3 million are at a high risk of default, or in the case of CORZQ, is already in default.”	Core Scientific IncExela Technologies Arena Group Holdings FALSE a. . repaid early and in full ($111MM of the “risk”) b. repaid term loan in full ($55.8MM of the “risk”) c. debt retired in full ($99MM of the “risk”). Publicly disclosed in the most recent 10-K for each company (search for "Riley" in the filing)
5) Wolfpack	“RILY’s NAV is Far Below the $1.1 Billion Minimum NAV Requirement That Is Required for the Nomura Credit Agreement Putting RILY at Risk of Collapse in 2023”	is in full compliance FALSE RILY with the Nomura credit agreement. Moreover, reflecting the strength of the relationship, Nomura even granted a no-fee extension when the 10-K filing was delayed. Also see 10-K for current status.
6) Wolfpack	“Over $200 Million of the Goodwill and Intangible Assets on RILY’s Balance Sheet is Attributable to its Telecom Rollup, which is Centered on Dial-up and DSL Internet:” - criticizing them as dying businesses with no value	extremely valuableFALSE Segment is . From just 2020 to 2023, the communications segment has returned over $212.2MM in adjusted EBITDA.
7) Nate Koppikar (TheFriendlyBear) + Bill Abbate Jr. (JrAbbate), Various	RILY committed fraud with loans and closing the FRG acquisition. "The fact $RILY closed the FRG deal while hiding the Kahn loan - an all PIK defaulted loan backed by $FRG shares - is a Hall of Fame worthy act of fraud. I thought after Enron/Sarbox we couldn't have something like this happen in US markets."	FALSE A law firm led an internal investigation, and an independent external investigation both found “The review confirmed what the Company previously disclosed: that the Company and its executives, including Bryant Riley, had no involvement with, or knowledge of, any of the alleged misconduct concerning Prophecy.” “The results of the independent investigation confirmed that the Company and its executives had no involvement with, or knowledge of, any of the alleged misconduct concerning Mr. Kahn or any of his affiliates. This independent investigation was conducted subsequent to the Company's February 22, 2024 disclosure of the internal review performed with the assistance of Sullivan & Cromwell LLP as outside counsel.” Also see 10-K
8) Marc Cohodes (AlderlaneEggs), ParrotCapital, Bill Abbate Jr. (JrAbbate), Various	The 10-K will never be filed. They can't produce audited financials.	Audited 10-K FALSE was filed. Delay was due to Audit committee fulfilling its responsibilities and proactively conducting investigations (internal and external).
9) Marc Cohodes (AlderLaneEggs) + Nate Koppikar (TheFriendlyBear) + Bill Abbate Jr. (JrAbbate) + ParrotCapital	Sullivan and Cromwell knew about Massive Fraud, and did a "sham investigation"	Sullivan and Cromwell FALSE is one of the most respected law firms, in the US and worldwide. "Sullivan & Cromwell continues to lead all law firm advisers in announced and completed global deals in 2023, according to Bloomberg and LSEG. The Firm advised on global announced deals totaling more than $345 billion, representing a 12.1 percent market share, per Bloomberg, and on completed global deals totaling more than $431 billion, representing a 16.9 percent market share, per LSEG." They're not compromising themselves for a relatively small client.
10) Marc Cohodes (AlderLaneEggs), Nate Koppikar (TheFriendlyBear), Bill Abbate Jr. (JrAbbate), Parrot Capital	Marcum is enabling Massive Fraud	MarcumFALSE is a respected audit firm, and 13th largest by revenue. "Marcum LLP advanced into the Top 15 in the 2023 Vault Accounting list of top-ranked accounting firms. Marcum climbed six levels to the No. 13 ranking overall and earned a ranking of 14 in prestige. The Firm also won Top 20 rankings across all Practice Area, Quality of Life, and Diversity categories, including several new classifications added this year."
11) Marc Cohodes (AlderLaneEggs)	Nomura is enabling Massive Fraud	NomuraFALSE is a global financial services company, and the oldest brokerage firm in Japan. They operate in a highly regulated industry. They're not putting themselves on the line for a relatively small client.
12) Parrot Capital	"The list of $RILY enablers is massive: Marcum LLP, Sullivan and Cromwell, Seeking Alpha, Holbrook Holdings, $AX Axos Bank, Many, many more."	FALSE There's no global conspiracy whereby these companies - all respected law firms, auditors, banks, and media outlets - are collectively colluding to enable RILY to commit fraud. Requires only two brain cells and one functioning synapse to know there's no grand collusion cabal between these disparate companies.
13) Marc Cohodes (AlderLaneEggs), Jonathan Weil at WSJ	Franchise Group shares used to secure Kahn loan: "It is unclear whether Kahn pledged the same shares twice—to both Prophecy and B. Riley."	stated by the company UCC search FALSE As , Simple disproves this. UCC # 202302295747
14) Marc Cohodes (AlderLaneEggs)	“Bryant Riley is on the Road, telling people the ‘audit partner at Marcum left’ and that ‘I have made mistakes’ “	hit the 5yr SEC ruleFALSE Marcum audit partner was working on the audit the whole time; the original audit partner had , so he was never working on this year’s audit.
15) Marc Cohodes (AlderLaneEggs)	"So it turns out James La Rocca was Fired by MarcumLLP If nothing was wrong with prior $RILY Audits, why is he gone? This will be great in discovery of what exactly went on.	hit the 5yr SEC ruleFALSE Marcum audit partner was working on the audit the whole time; the original audit partner had , so he was never working on this year’s audit.
16) Koppikar (TheFriendlyBear)	“So Bryant Riley did disseminate MNPI back in March” in response to Cohodes claim that he told people the Marcum partner left	5 consecutive yearsFALSE Cohodes claimed Bryant Riley was telling people the Marcum auditor left. Koppikar called that disseminating MNPI. Cohodes statement was false (and thus Koppikar's derivate claim is also false). A different auditor worked on RILY, as Marcum follows the SEC rules; the lead auditor can only serve the client for . As such, Koppikar’s derivative claim of disseminating MNPI is false.
17) Koppikar (TheFriendlyBear)	“He appears to still not be familiar with the voting interest model of consolidation… why is a life science and tech partner signing an extremely complex investment company / broker dealer audit ???” i.e., auditor is unqualified	Marcum is a highly respected auditorFALSE The auditor is fully qualified. ; they don't hire unqualified people, or assign them to clients they're unqualified to audit. RILY is continuing to use Marcum as the 2024 auditor.
18) Marc Cohodes (AlderLaneEggs)	"Now that the $RILY dividend is going away, this omission is serious stuff"	reduced 24Q1FALSE The dividend did not go away. It was from $1.00/share to $0.50/share, to allow them to opportunistically allocate capital. 23Q4 and

There are too many source images for the claims above to embed in a reddit post, and this sub doesn't allow images in comments. Images can be seen on a version of this posted to a sub that discusses RILY in the comments (~55 images). All claims can be sourced on the various social media venues and websites utilized by the short sellers. Other sources include: https://wolfpackresearch.com/research/rily/ and here https://friendlybearresearch.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/RILY-Analyst-Day-Questions-12_11_13-Final.pdf and https://www.institutionalinvestor.com/article/2cpgaejc45gocvoqb1ngg/corner-office/how-b-riley-garnered-the-biggest-short-interest-of-2023 and https://www.wsj.com/finance/how-an-unremarkable-deal-became-a-big-threat-to-a-small-investment-bank-f819a169 . https://adviserinfo.sec.gov/firm/summary/304196 form ADV. This is not financial advice. All claim summarizations reflect my interpretation of the short seller claims, and should be verified against original sources, along with all counters.

I am trying to have positive relational energy and be transparent in all my relationships and with my anchor partner. They have a new girlfriend they are very intimately and emotionally connected, but she is unable to be honest with her husband. While i am not in this relationship, for some reason it makes me uncomfortable because i have to hold space for her unwillingness to be honest. So my partner and I were invited to a friends group function with other couples, but its unknown if she will be bringing her husband. My gut is telling me i have no interest developing a metamour relationship with this person because our values are different, and i really don’t want to participate in group activities without her husband also being in attendance. I know a piece of this is being judgmental about the honesty piece. And perhaps controlling. Another motivator, is I don’t want to contribute to this man being disrespected anymore than he is already. Thoughts?

Ahoy there! We're on the lookout for one more to join our crew on a Pathfinder 2e nautical campaign. One of our crewmates is currently sailing (studying) abroad for a semester, and we are planning to add a 4th to a group that will become 5 total upon his return.
About the Campaign: We are journeyman pirates, each of us apprenticing under some significantly more experienced officers while dreaming of riches and adventure. As the campaign unfolds, we’ll acquire our very own ship, ready to raid and conquer the vast oceans in our GM’s homebrew campaign setting. But beware, the seas are treacherous, and only the most cunning and courageous will carve their names into the annals of maritime legend. This campaign is aiming to focus on light-hearted shenanigans in a hard-hearted world on the open ocean.
We are currently set to prepare on a months-long voyage to an isle of (potentially) undead in search of a specific person our captain is looking for. Plenty of adventure and exploration awaits!
The party just hit level 3, so that will be the starting level of our new crewmate. The party consists of a Laughing Shadow Magus, an Angel Eidolon Summoner, a Mentalist Familiar Wizard, and an Animal Companion Precision Ranger (on hiatus).
If you are curious as to what style of world we will be playing in, our GM has given us a short summary of what to expect. Feel free to read it!
The World
Ship Encounters: Our DM has created bespoke Pathfinder-friendly rules for ship encounters, adding an extra layer of sea travel and combat. These rules are very granular, so being interested in engaging with this system is a must. This is a new system that we'll navigate together and if playtesting shows things need to be changed, they will be changed (we have already adjusted the system once, and we'll surely do so again if needed). Brace yourselves for naval battles, daring escapes, and unforeseen challenges on the open waters.
Each player will have an assigned role as part of the ship's crew, and these roles are what we will use for ship-to-ship encounters. There are more roles than there will be players, and each role is unique- no double dipping! Also, they are flexible enough to fit multiple attributes, so as long as you can come up with an appropriate reason for it, you can select most stats for the role's key ability score. Roles already taken: Captain, Master, Man-at-Arms. Our Quartermaster is on hiatus.
Roles Aboard The Ship:
Taken- Captain: The leader of the crew, making crucial decisions in the heat of battle and steering the ship to victory. The captain is not the king of the ship, majority rule has powerful sway and the captain’s decision may not always be a final one.
Taken- Master: The navigator and cartographer, guiding the ship through waters, setting course to engage and fleeing combat when in rough waters.
Available- Ship's Mate: The right-hand to the Captain, managing the crew’s morale and assisting in various other ship functions.
Available- Gunner: Mastering the ship's cannons, turning the tide of battle with precise and devastating firepower.
Available- Surgeon: Healing wounds and curing ailments, ensuring the crew is always ready for the next adventure.
Taken- Quartermaster: Managing supplies, overseeing critical repairs, negotiating with ports, and keeping the ship's stores in check.
Taken- Man-at-Arms: Leader of the marines on board, skilled in combat for boarding and plundering.
Other Optional Rules: We are also using the popular Ancestral Paragon and Free Archetype rules, with FAs pending DM approval. We also use incremental level up rules, where you gain one attribute point at each at levels 2-5, rather than getting all 4 at level 5.
Other than these three rules, we plan to run the game entirely RAW. We will also be running everything per the remaster.
About the group: Our group has been playing together for the past 4 years. Although most of our experience is in 5e, we have recently switched to pathfinder. One of the players is very experienced in pathfinder, while the other three have about a year's worth, the rest of their TTRPG experience notwithstanding. There will be a learning curve, especially post-remaster, as we still get our spell names mixed up on occasion.
Additionally, our GM has double-digit years of tabletop experience, including multiple in Pathfinder.
We use voice chat on discord for sessions and foundry for our virtual tabletop.
This will be a strategic and lighthearted pirate themed Pathfinder 2e experience. If you're interested in joining us, please fill out the form below!
The Fooooooooorm!

Level 1 here. I actually am relatively lucky even being ''mildly autistic''. Don't even have sensory issues(maybe sensory seeking to an extent), obviously no intellectual disability, can socialize normally now without masking, no dyspraxia, don't even have meltdowns really. However, ASD(and even ADHD) for me is definitely an inherent disability. Yeah sure, the times in school when I was misunderstood, viewed as the weird kid, had teachers get annoyed or angry with me wasn't fun(though not seriously bullied) but I still struggled alot regardless of those things:
-I did not communicate any better with autistic people than with my neurotypical classmates. When I was 15/16 I spent several months going to a weekly ASD group at a local hospital. Most of the kids were also level 1/aspies and several were homeschooled. They weren't mean nor was I but I just had the same problem of not knowing how to build off the initial start of a conversation, talking about my restrictive interests in a narrow manner or just not being able to connect. I eventually stopped going due to getting nothing out of it.
-I was(still am) a massive overthinker. So even when it came to my restrictive interests I sabotaged myself by making things overly complicated(style hopping with martial arts, deep diving into the rants/analysis about pop culture, etc). Also because during the 2016 mess I got deep into the anti-social justice stuff(not alt right or anything like that, but critiques of third wave feminism, reverse racism semantics, etc) which contributed to some cringe moments and another barrier to connecting with others due to them having differing opinions(black and white thinking). Also even in terms of being a nerd there's works I didn't and still haven't gotten too since even in that regard I was focused on a narrow range of things.
-While generally a decent person, I was legit an ass at times like most people in general, and ASD amplified this. Particularly my black and white thinking also makes me prone to being argumentative since I can be really passionate about certain ideas but in the past I've been less than tactful. Once told a (skinny) girl in 7th grade to lay off Pop-Tarts(they had somehow come up in a conversation) and she legit was upset and hurt with some nearby classmates even rightfully looking at me shocked for how out of pocket that was. Also have fat shamed in a couple instances despite being a skinny fat myself, which was definitely wrong and I fully oppose that fully now.
At the end of the day, I'll even say that I don't feel a super strong solidarity towards autistic people in general. To be clear, that isnt to say I think I am better than/above the rest of you or that I don't relate at all, but for me the constant loneliness I feel isn't about being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world, but just the fact autism(and ADHD) inherently hold me back from things I genuinely wanted in life and it's made worst by how much toxic positivity there is around disabilities(or ''different abilities as some say) especially autism. And even if I can function normally now, I still deal with the resulting anxiety, depression and while misunderstandings sucked I don't expect folks to have a grad school level understanding of mental health.
Besides that, it would be interesting if there was an actual survey on how many people feel inherently disabled by ASD, those who feel it's society's fault, and then somewhere inbetween both. Obviously it would be tricky given how many high support needs people can't give input due to the severity of their condition but at least give more perspective from those of us who's experiences/feelings don't fit the mainstream.
Thoughts?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Sorry y’all, I’m super long winded. I do a lot of thinking on the page.
So I’ve typed as an INFP for years now, and a lot of me still feels like an INFP (when you start comparing stereotypes between the XNFP types). But it’s only recently did I start to actually learn about cognitive functions did I realize I actually was an ENFP and all of a sudden things make sense. I feel like an oval block that I kept trying to fit into the circle hole, but now that I’m not trying to push myself onto being an INFP I just naturally feel like an ENFP, it’s honestly a weird feeling being fresh in that “mistyped for years” mindset. It was my high use to Te that made me start to actually question it, and learning more about inferior Si, it is me to a T.
So I’ve started to learn more about ENFPs, and there’s something that I’ve noticed. ENFPs are often characterized as loud party animals, always traveling, center of attention, large group of friends, I’ve even seen “ENFPs aren’t the ones who are bullied, they’re the ones who befriend the people who are bullied”. Just very big people-focused energy, constantly on the go and having new experiences, and able to just walk up to strangers and strike up a conversation.
And the other thing I’ve noticed, something people kind of say now and again, but it’s more just an observation I’ve made, ENFP behavior can sometimes seem like it’s just describing the behavior of an autistic, ADHD, or auDHD, individual. A lot of the behaviors don’t fit, but a lot of the others really seem to.
Now, for me personally, I’m autistic, have ADHD, crippling social anxiety, and memory problems. I’m also someone who’s just always kind of been an introvert, and I’m definitely a homebody who just prefers smaller expeditions every now and again but my bed and couch are my happy places.
My neurdivergencies and get-up-and-go energy level has lead me to question just where I fit in XNFP.
\ / \ / \ / the introvert/ambivert/extrovert section.
For one, I am not a talk-to-people sorta person. I stutter with the cashier then leave the store just second guessing every single thing I’ve said and done and how stupid I must have come off to everyone around me. Straight to the point of bordering paranoia where I will genuinely believe everyone is watching me and thinking negative things about me. So I stay home, I’m comfortable at home, I don’t really have friends just my bf, but I love him so much and I couldn’t exist to my happiest without his company.
I spend so much time with my bf just talking to him, texting him when we’re apart, I’m at the point I think he just wants to sew my lips shut 😂 I never shut up. I like doing little outings with him, like going to the zoo, a museum, or the mall. I enjoy these things on my own but then I’m trapped with all my thoughts, I much prefer if he joins me.
For me, it feels like if I don’t speak aloud or write down every single thing that crosses my mind I’m literally going to explode. It’s as if the world must bear witness to my thoughts or else they just don’t matter at all.
Additionally, I love when strangers just talk to me. I’m not living in the city anymore right now, but I miss the social interactions I had. Sitting next to a stranger at the bus stop and striking up a conversation about their awesome hair, hoping that someone on the bus has a dog so I can ask them about the dog. Occasionally half the bus would get in on the conversation about the dog and that’s just so fun. And I remember one night this guy, probably high on something, sat in the seat behind me and we just talked about the city since he recently moved there, I told him to visit the zoo, then we started to just talk about the psychology of primates and I loved that.
I’m not a social person, but I really appreciate those “I’ll never see you again in my life so here’s my life story while we sit on the bus” moments. I can set aside my anxiety when people genuinely want to open up to me. I’m still anxious, but I also just feel happy in those moments. I’m not the best conversationalist with strangers, but I put in the effort in those small moments.
And when I do have friends, always a circle of introverts, I’m also the one of the group who will be the one to speak up. “Uh, waiter, she actually didn’t order this”. Can’t do it for myself, but when advocating for others or for my group, I definitely can pull together the courage to speak up and I even enjoy it.
But I have so few social memories, because I’m usually just living in constant fear of the judgement of other people. I just keep to myself and stay home most of the time.
Heard that the stereotype is often ENFPs want to explore everything about the world and get out into it, but the flip side is that some ENFPs prefer their exploration to be through their mind. That’s absolutely me. Give me the option of a day on the town or ordering takeout and watching a 5 hour deep dive into an obscure corner of the internet we then can speculate on together, I’m taking the latter 9/10 times.
But it does still make me wonder “does this just make me an extrovert with social anxiety or am I just an introvert?” To the point I’ve even stopped considering myself an ambivert, and just let go of the whole idea of introversion and extroversion (as a social battery drain theory) even existing because I feel like for everyone it really is just situational. But the identity crisis part of my brain still has an incessant need to figure out “where do I place” even if it’s all just stressing me out.
\ / \ / \ / the auDHD section.
Despite the introversion tendencies making me feel isolated from other ENFPs, at the same time I completely vibe with it. But, a lot of what I relate to is also through my autism, my ADHD, my memory problems. And I know that every type can be diagnosed with any of these, but now it has me wondering stuff like “how would autism present in an ENFP vs in an ISTJ?” It also has me wondering just what is my cognitive functions, and what is my diagnoses?
I feel like they can fight me on an ENFP identity, such as making me an anxious social recluse posting long posts and comments to reddit to fuel that social need, but at the same time I think it also might amplify my natural characteristics.
Like, my Ne will drive my mind to wander and jump around, but then does ADHD put that on steroids? I also have a super hard time focusing and concentrating, which I’m assuming is not necessarily the base state of the ENFP. If they have to focus on something, I imagine they probably could without that nagging ADHD pull making you forget the task you’re literally currently doing to go and do 6 other things. As well, I wonder if my ADHD has any relation to just how much of a lazy homebody I am.
And the autism, well, autistics are quirky. Quirkiest people I’ve ever met. I’m definitely…. very different from most people. But ENFPs are also characterized as quirky chaos people, too. Does autism just give flavor to my already quirky nature?
And with memory problems, well, I can seem really stupid (and my bf would say helpless) in situations I think an Se or Si dom would excel at. I don’’t have much of a referential memory, I always just figured it was trauma (but hey, I can’t even remember to be sure), but learning about inferior Si really sometimes sounds like what I’m experiencing.
I just don’t exactly know what is just “normal” ENFP behavior, and what auDHD ENFP behavior is, or how it compares to the auDHD behavior of other types.
——
How do you separate neurodivergency from cognitive functions, and even more so, how do neurodivergencies play into cognitive functions? I’m certain I’m an ENFP given how I use my cognitive functions, but I just don’t always feel like I belong amongst the people I’m supposed to relate to. But then again, won’t an autistic person always feel like they just don’’t feel “like the rest”?
I guess I’m just kind of on my long existential search for belonging right now.
I just want to have people one day that I feel just get me. I feel lost and alone. Maybe that does make me an extrovert, at least a little bit.

Hi all,
As the title states I'm looking for some career advice, and maybe also an opportunity to get some things off my chest. So, I apologize in advance if this is a little long.
I started my career in market research by complete happenstance. I was fresh out of college with a Marketing degree and applied for a job for a large well-known market research supplier - mainly because the title had "marketing" in it. I honestly had little clue what the company did, but it was an entry level position, and they weren't expecting any experience. I worked at this company for 14 years, getting promoted every couple of years which kept me happy and content. We primarily focused on copy testing TV ads, and brand tracking work. I learned the basics of market research, writing q'res, checking data tables, populating reports, drawing insights from the data. But I would classify all this knowledge as very surface level. Since we had standard "solutions" I rarely, if ever had to write a survey from scratch. We had a data processing team, so I never learned SPSS, R, or other data processing tools. After around year 12 I started looking for other jobs, because I was burnt out doing the same research every day and because of our company’s direction - maximizing profits, cutting workforce, offshoring data functions, etc.
At this time, I tried to branch out of market research, but looking for adjacent type of work - think marketing/web analytics, etc. - but didn't have much luck. I either made too much money or was disregarded because I didn't have the exact experience the role was looking for. I finally ended up taking a job with a small UK firm that specialized in text analytics - basically automated coding of verbatim comments. The role was interesting, as we were using the text analysis to comb through hundreds of thousands of CX survey comments every month. Unfortunately, the company who was conducting the CX research offered our clients the text analytics for free or very little cost, making our services redundant. This was the company’s only US client, so there was nowhere for me to go even though I enjoyed working for the company. Luckily, I saw the writing on the wall early and was able to job hunt before we were officially let go from our contract.
Given the pressure of impending doom at the previous position, I wasn't too choosey about my next role. I took a position in the research department for a B2B trade magazine publisher. In hindsight this was a dead-end move from the beginning, as the company was in a dying industry (who reads magazines anymore?) The research role was split between doing industry research studies to provide editorial content for the 50+ publications and doing custom research using our vast subscriber base. Most of the studies we conducted just ended up being copies of the previous year’s study and required very little thinking. Even the "custom" studies were often repeat waves from prior years and were in areas I had little knowledge of (roofing materials, plumbing fixtures, industrial food manufacturing equipment, etc.). Again, I saw the writing on the wall, as the company's revenue declined year over year and the custom research group barely topped $1MM in revenue (it was basically the co-CEO's pet project). Back to the job search.
This time, I was able to use some connection to get in touch with the hiring manager for a private mid-sized research supplier that specialized in TV ad effectiveness research, which was right up my alley thanks to the experience at my first company. I was hired and was able to seamlessly step into the role. I mainly enjoyed what I was doing, even if it was a bit repetitive. I was good at it, and I liked the company and people I worked with. At this point in my career, I was less concerned about climbing the corporate ladder and more concerned about work life balance and job stability. My main hope was to ride out this job until I was ready to retire (~10 years). However, as is happening all over the research industry, our company was acquired by a private equity funded research company. Over the past 2 years since the acquisition, there have been multiple layoffs and restructurings as the private equity firm looks to squeeze every cent out of their investment. There is no more job stability, and I feel like it is only a matter of time before I'm let go, and I can’t ride out my time here to retirement.
I have again begun a job search but I am running into all the same issues I had when I left my first company. I don't have technical know-how (SPSS, statistical techniques, etc.) and my research expertise is in a small niche sector (ad/marketing effectiveness). There are very few mid-sized research firms left, as most of them have been consolidated into large firms. So I'm either left with these big corporately run firms that have all of the same issues my current companies have (only care about profits above all else), or they are small boutique firms that are looking for research experience (CX, segmentation, product testing, etc.) I don't have and/or technically experience with statistical/data tools.
I don't really want to go back to school to learn a new career, because by the time I finish a new degree I may only want/need to work for a few more years. I'd love to find something that is flexible, and stable even if it means I make less money than I do now. Most of the research firms don't seem to be hiring right now, and I don't know if I'm just trading one bad situation for another. I can't seem to break into any adjacent industries (marketing analytics, media agencies, etc.) I've investigated government jobs, but nothing seems to translate to my experience.
Any other places I should be looking at? Does anyone else feel trapped in this industry that seems to be getting worse every year as more and more consolidation happens?
TL:DR - Have 20+ years of supplier side research experience but in a very niche sector, which is preventing me from getting considered for other jobs/industries. Mainly searching for stability and flexibility (versus $ and career advancement) but that seems to be in short supply as the research industry is continually being consolidated and gobbled up by hedge funds and private equity.

My (25F) wife and I (26M) have been together for 8 years, married for 2. When we first started dating in college things were pretty normal. We would go out with friends, attend school events, go on dates, etc. My wife has always had anxiety and depression, but recently it's been getting worse and really effecting our lives. In college my wife held down a part time job and went to classes full time. This wasn't without struggle for her, some days she would be so anxious or depressed she wouldn't go to work, but was an overall reliable and stable worker who was offered a promotion she turned down.
When she turned 21 she gained access to stocks her grandfather left for her, this was also at the beginning of covid so she quit her job and resolved to live off of her stocks until the pandemic was over and focus on school while I kept working my job and attending classes. At this point in time we were living together and as long as she could come up with her half of the rent and groceries I did not say anything about how she wanted to spend her inheritance. Fast forward to a year into the pandemic and her stocks have run out just as her uncle passes and leaves a good sum of money to her. Seeing how fast she went through the first lump of money I convinced her that it would be smart for her to work still and not count on living off of this money as it wouldn't last very long. She agreed and got a job doing office work. We got married and were doing well, finally moved into a place without roommates and got some gur babies. A few months after getting married her anxiety was worse than before regarding working and began to effect her reliable and work performance. As time passed she began jokingly stating how she was learning she's autistic from TikTok and how much autistic people can't work. Everything she would point out did make sense and match up with her so I have no doubt she is autistic. As things progress she gets to the point where she quits her job stating it's too much for her anxiety and she needs a break before finding a new job due to being burnt out and needing to focus on her mental health. During this break she takes a turn. She becomes so depressed and anxious that I don't know how to help her outside of encouraging her to get appointments with a therapist and rework her meds all while her second inheritance is running out because my job alone cannot support us.
She's been out of work for a year now and we moved to a new city with some friends (a plan long in the making). I have a full time job and before moving to the city we spoke about her working part time (10-16 hours a week) so we could afford our new life. She agreed and we set a deadline of "before May" she should have strong leads on jobs and interviews. It's now well into May and she hasn't done a single interview, gets so overwhelmed at the thought of working it causes anxiety attacks, and she's gotten to the point where she will not leave the house alone or with me. The only time she leaves the house is to accompany me in driving to pick up groceries or if we are going out with a group of friends.
She states that she doesn't know how she's expected to find a job when she's autistic and agoraphobic, seeing her worked up over it I gritted my teeth and am now looking for a part time job I can work outside of my full time job. I can't help but feel resentment building inside me knowing I will be working 50-60 hours a week just for us to scrape by when she gets to be home and has been home for over a year now with the responsibility of doing a little over half of the house chores. And being resentful that we could have had a good size savings at this point if she had been working all that time instead of living off of her inheritance.
How do I go about this? I don't know what I can do to stop the resentment in me and help her get to a place where she can function as a self dependent human being again. I see her melt down about leaving the house and how stressful finding a job is, but anytime I try to help her or comfort her she snaps at me and tells me not to patronize her which is only adding to my frustration. If I offer to do something for her, 99% of the time she responds with "No you shouldn't have to do that for me, I should be able to do it myself". Even getting her to make a virtual doctors appointment to refill her medications is at the point of me setting up the app and handing it to her ready for her to click the "join" button to speak with someone and she can't do it. Any advice is greatly appreciated, I love my wife and our little family but I know this isn't sustainable.

The Power of Handgrip: How It Can Benefit Your Respiratory System

When it comes to exercising, we often focus on the major muscle groups like our legs, arms, and core. However, there’s a smaller, yet equally important, muscle group that deserves attention: our handgrip. The muscles in our hands, fingers, and forearms play a crucial role in our overall health, and surprisingly, they can even have a significant impact on our respiratory system. In this blog post, we’ll explore the benefits of handgrip on the respiratory system and why incorporating handgrip exercises into your fitness routine can be a game-changer for your overall health.

The Connection Between Handgrip and Respiratory System

Research has shown that there is a strong correlation between handgrip strength and lung function. A study published in the Journal of Applied Physiology found that individuals with stronger handgrip strength had better lung function, including increased forced expiratory volume (FEV1) and forced vital capacity (FVC). These measures are critical indicators of respiratory health, as they reflect the amount of air that can be exhaled from the lungs.
So, how does handgrip strength impact lung function? One theory is that the muscles involved in handgrip, such as the flexor digitorum profundus and flexor digitorum superficialis, share a common nerve pathway with the diaphragm, the primary muscle responsible for breathing. This shared pathway allows for a synergistic effect, where strengthening the handgrip muscles can also enhance diaphragmatic function.
Benefits of Handgrip on Respiratory System
Incorporating handgrip exercises into your fitness routine can have several benefits for your respiratory system:

1. Improved Lung Function: As mentioned earlier, stronger handgrip strength is associated with better lung function, including increased FEV1 and FVC. This can be particularly beneficial for individuals with respiratory conditions such as chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).
2. Enhanced Diaphragmatic Function: By strengthening the handgrip muscles, you can also improve diaphragmatic function, leading to more efficient breathing and increased oxygenation of the body.
3. Increased Endurance: Handgrip exercises can help improve cardiovascular endurance, which is critical for individuals with respiratory conditions who may experience shortness of breath during physical activity.
4. Reduced Respiratory Muscle Fatigue: Strengthening the handgrip muscles can reduce fatigue in the respiratory muscles, allowing for more efficient breathing and reducing the risk of respiratory failure.
5. Improved Overall Health: Handgrip strength is also associated with overall health and mortality rates. A stronger handgrip has been linked to a lower risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and even certain types of cancer.

Incorporating Handgrip Exercises into Your Fitness Routine
Fortunately, incorporating handgrip exercises into your fitness routine is easy and can be done with minimal equipment. Here are a few exercises to get you started:

• Grip Strengthening: Use a handgrip strengthener or a small rubber ball to squeeze and release your hand muscles. Aim for 10-15 repetitions, 3-4 times a week.
• Finger Bending: Place a light weight or resistance band around your fingers and bend them down toward your palm. Release and repeat for 10-15 repetitions.
• Wrist Extensions: Hold a light weight or resistance band in your hand and lift your wrist up, keeping your forearm still. Lower and repeat for 10-15 repetitions.

Sorry that this is so long.
Tldr: My boyfriend is extremely insecure about several topics and I'm afraid it'll destroy our relationship.
My (F21) boyfriend (M21) of a few weeks is very insecure and I have a feeling I am making it worse. When I first pursued him he actually accidentally rejected me due to insecurity because he couldn't imagine a woman like me would ever be interested in a man like him (so he thought I was making fun of him). I made it more clear that I really want him and now we're together but I know that he's feeling super insecure. When we kiss he oftentimes opens his eyes after and mutters something like "I can't believe you actually like me" or "I don't know what I've done to deserve you" and a few days ago I found him crying because according to him he doesn't deserve me and I'm apparently to good for him, which I don't get. I wanted him first. Still, I'm scared that this insecurity will destroy our relationship again and it's really not healthy at all so I want to help him get over it. I told him even though I like him no matter what that if he feels like he doesn't deserve me he can try to become a guy who he thinks he deserves me but I don't know if that was too harsh so I might have to try another approach .
From what I've gathered there are 4 main areas of insecurity for him. 1. Our social circles, 2. Our grades, 3. Our looks and 4. The romantic attention we get/our experience.

1. Our social circles: He is a pretty nerdy guy who is introverted to the point where I'm suspecting him to have social anxiety. He especially struggles talking to women. I'm pretty sure he was only able to talk to me since did most of the heavy lifting in terms of our early conversations and never stopped trying to get to know him. He has a small group of close-knit friends who he cares a lot about. They're like brothers which is really cute to me. The problem is that outside of that group of friends he is definitely less than popular, I think because he is socially awkward like that with a pretty peculiar sense of humour, which I like however.

My social life looks very different. I'm just as nerdy as him behind closed doors but since I had a pretty massive glow up people don't expect that from me. I'm fact outwardly I'm definitely someone in the popular crowd and I gotta admit- I got a pretty big social circle with four groups of friends, two of which are really close as well and I'm basically the centre of.
Whenever he and I are walking together and I have to greet someone again (which happens pretty often, especially on campus) he gets annoyed, especially when it's a guy. A little more than half of my group of friends are guys and I already made him aware that that's not gonna change since I've known most of them for years- still, he suspects almost every one of those to be interested in me which can be quite annoying. There have been some who confessed but that was before my boyfriend and I got together and I established clear boundaries with those. That's the first problem caused by insecurities.

1. grades and achievements: He is a smart man, a former gifted kid, It's a part of him that first caused me to be attracted to him, but the problem is- I as well was a gifted kid. We have lived very different lifes up to this point. He had a pretty relaxed upbringing while I spent my time growing up in debate competitions, dance competitions and participating in youth politics since my parents wanted to prime me for success. I think he has just always been the smart kid and at the beginning he was fully convinced that he was way smarter than me because I asked him to explain things to me since I like to hear him explain and he didn't think that someone like me would be able to have intelligent thoughts or something which he admitted was stupid of him and just based on stereotypes. Now that we spend pretty much every second day together he knows that I actually have a better GPA than him and that I'm according to him "more gifted than him" (which partially has to do with me being on the spectrum) he doesn't openly say it but I know it bothers him. As a formerly gifted kid myself I know how much it hurts when someone is better than you when the thing you were growing up was always just the 'smart kid'. He said that he wants to work harder so he can take care of me sometime in the future but knowing him I know that's only half of the story. Just like he started going to the gym more because at the beginning of our relationship I was stronger than him (Years of competitive dance, martial arts and just being a gym girl). He now is stronger than me again but he still talks about how emasculated he felt because of it.
   
2. Our looks: I was told I have pretty privilege and I got to admit myself - after my glow up I definitely felt how different people treat me now and I get quite a lot of attention now to the point where it's uncomfortable, especially since before my glow up I definitely wasn't as conventionally attractive and was also treated as such. I think my boyfriend looks good. He is cute. His lips are pretty and heart shaped and his eyeshape and lashes are to die for. He doesn't see that though. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea. I gathered so much when I told other people that we're dating but he's my cup of tea so that shouldn't matter. Even his friends teased him about his looks in comparison to mine when he told them and when he told me- I swear I was ready to explode. I try to give him compliments about his looks but he doesn't know how to accept them. He says I'm the only one who'll ever compliment him this way anyway so what's the point. My boyfriend says that when he first saw me he thought I was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen which is why he couldn't believe why I would keep on talking to him. I think being with me makes his insecurities about his looks worse because according to him an 'ugly guy' like him doesn't deserve a girl like me. I think that's bullshit. There is way more to a relationship than looks and I think he's cute and way too harsh on his looks.
   
3. Our romantic experience and the attention we get.
   

I am his first. The first girl he kissed, his first date, his first time holding hands, his first in general. He told me that before we met again he had given up on love- concluded that it wasn't happening for him and that after his parents passed on he should just follow them- and then I showed up again and made it obvious how much I wanted him. I feel so honoured to be his first but not getting any attention before me took a real toll on his self perception I think. He says that I'm the only woman he'll have in this lifetime though. That if I don't work out he'll give up on dating which worries me.
I am the exact opposite. Sure I wasn't in a relationship before him, I also was still a virgin and also never kissed anyone willingly but I get attention. I get asked for my number on the streets or in uni, I get asked on dates and I also went on dates before. I just never felt it. Where he feels like he doesn't get seen by women I feel like I only get seen as a piece of meat, as a love interest, a manic pixie dream girl or a sex object by men. I had so many bad experiences with that just being treated like a normal person by him (partially because he thought he didn't have a chance anyway) had me falling head over heels for him.
He feels insecure about the attention I get however, especially if it'd be men he perceives to be good-looking, successful or simply cool. He often mentions that apparently there were several guys in the friend group we met in that wanted to pursue me and he feels bad for them that he's the one who got me because he's just a 'bastard' in his own words. I think this is another one of the things that bothers him the most based on how often he mentions it. Whenever he finds out that a guy we know ever was interested in me I never hear the end of it. I even was asked for my number while he was right next to me and while in a conversation with him which is not only mad disrespectful but also made him really angry and caused his insecurities to skyrocket. I feel really sorry to make him insecure that way but I really can't control it. He also likes when I get really dressed up for dates and I like that too but whenever he sees the stares I get from men he seems to regret it.
All in all he seems to put me on a pedestal and seems to compare himself to not only me but also other men in my life though I don't want them. I only want him. He says it's suspicious how little is wrong with me, that I'm too good but that's not true. I'm possessive (which I'm working on), at least as competitive as him, all of the social skills he admires so much in me I trained myself to have since I'm pretty much lost in social situations. I can be quite clumsy and scatterbrained sometimes and when I get to talk about my special interests I won't stop for hours. I was training for discipline from a young age to the point where I sometimes don't sleep or eat enough to manage to do everything I planned. I am a perfectionist to an unhealthy degree and sometimes I feel like a robot who just has to function no matter what. I tried to show him, tell him all my flaws but no matter what he doesn't see them as flaws.
He for example sees all of the achievements, the medals my perfectionism brought me but not that I lost so much sleep and ate so little for extended periods of time when I was little that I just stopped growing.
I try to show him that I really like him. He is smart, witty, funny and even though he tries to hide it incredibly kind. He takes care of his friends, family and now me. I feel so safe around him and ...just like myself. I try to tell him that. I try to give him gifts, I try to spend as much time as possible with him and take care of him. Whenever he expresses his boundaries I try to comply (for example he dislikes when I show my cleavage when he isn't around so I stopped) but I feel like that's no use as long as that little voice in his head tells him that he's not enough and that he doesn't deserve me.
I just don't know what to do so that he finally sees himself the way I see him- a person who of course has flaws but is beautiful and kind and a person who deserves to be loved and I'm pretty sure I love.
Thank you for any advice. (And sorry for my English. English is actually my fourth language so I'm not as articulate in it as I would like)

DAY: MAY 20 2024
5-20-2024

Why nightmares and ‘daymares’ could be early warning signs of autoimmune disease

An increase in nightmares and hallucinations—or ‘daymares’—could herald the onset of autoimmune diseases such as lupus, say an international team led by researchers at the University of Cambridge and King’s College London. The researchers argue that there must be greater recognition that these types of mental health and neurological symptoms can act as an early warning sign that an individual is approaching a “flare,” where their disease worsens for a period.
5-20-2024 Yoga and meditation-induced altered states of consciousness are common in the general population, study says
Yoga, mindfulness, meditation, breathwork, and other practices are gaining in popularity due to their potential to improve health and well-being. The effects of these practices are mostly positive and occasionally transformational, yet they are known to sometimes be associated with challenging altered states of consciousness. New research by a team including investigators from Massachusetts General Hospital reveals that altered states of consciousness associated with meditation practice are far more common than expected. Although many people reported positive outcomes, that were sometimes even considered transformational, from these experiences, for a substantial
5-20-2024 Examining the benefits of out-of-network care for pediatric moyamoya
Total in-episode expenses and resource use before the index surgery (preop) and including/after the surgery (postop). The comparisons are separated for analysis into (A) single institution cohorts (1 and 2) and (B) multi?institution cohorts (3 and 4). Moyamoya disease is a rare condition that affects the blood vessels in the brain, especially in children. Narrowing and blockage of vessels significantly increases the risk of stroke and requires surgical revascularization for treatment. Although research shows that outcomes of revascularization are better
5-20-2024 Study explores links between social media use, mental health and sleep quality
The more time you spend on social media, the greater the likelihood of having unpleasant social-media related dreams that cause distress, sleep disruption and impact our peace of mind. Flinders University’s Reza Shabahang says that the vast and rapid adoption of social media has the potential to influence various aspects of life, including the realm of dreaming. “As social media becomes increasingly intertwined with our lives, its impact extends beyond waking hours, and may influence our dreams,”
5-20-2024 How are asthma and heart health linked?
Although the heart and lungs are neighbors in your chest, people may think of them as separate entities with unrelated problems. But a growing body of evidence suggests that asthma—one of the most common lung disorders—is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease. Asthma is a serious chronic disease in which airways are inflamed, often in response to specific triggers. It affects about 25 million people in the U.S., including nearly 5 million children, causing millions of annual visits to doctors’ offices and emergency rooms. “We call these major changes
5-20-2024 STUDY EXPLORES PATIENT TRUST IN PHYSICIANS
Trust in one’s physician drives positive health practices. In a scoping review, SUNY Poly Professor of Sociology Dr. Linda R. Weber discovered new developments in the measurement of trust, identified those measures of trust that have known reliability and validity, and compared those instruments’ conceptualizations, dimensions, and indicators. The paper is published in the journal PLOS ONE. Weber explains that 10 dimensions emerged from the study: fidelity, technical competence, communicative competence, interpersonal competence (i.e., caring), honesty, confidentiality, global, behavioral, fairness, and system trust/accountability. In addition, these findings provide the foundation
5-20-2024 TIMESAVING TIPS FOR COOKING HEALTHY MEALS
Living a busy, fast-paced life can make it hard to find the motivation to cook a healthy meal at home. However, learning some shortcuts in the kitchen can keep your healthy eating goals on track and help you avoid grazing on unhealthy snacks, grabbing the first thing you see in the fridge or going out for fast food. Why cook at home? Research shows that maintaining a healthy weight is challenging when you eat out too frequently. Restaurant portions often are super-sized
5-20-2024 UNDERSTANDING PERIMENOPAUSE VS. MENOPAUSE
Menopause marks a significant transition for women, yet understanding its precursor, perimenopause, and its symptoms can be complex. Dr. Stephanie Faubion, director of Mayo Clinic’s Center for Women’s Health and medical director of The Menopause Society, says experiencing perimenopause and menopause can be confusing for some. She says it is not only patients who may find it confusing, but medical providers as well, due to lack of training in menopause management. “Menopause is defined by no menstrual cycle for a year,” says Dr. Faubion.
5-20-2024 LOW-DOSE IRON SUPPLEMENTATION HAS NO BENEFIT FOR BREASTFED INFANTS, SHOWS STUDY
The American Pediatric Association recommends iron supplements to all healthy infants who breastfeed longer than four months, while its European counterpart, Society of Gastroenterology, Hepataology and Nutrition, does not recommend it. These deviating guidelines stimulated researchers to design a new study. Breastfeeding is strongly recommended, and the proportion of children are breastfed during the first half of life is high. The researchers wanted to determine whether breastfeeding babies could benefit from extra iron.
5-20-2024 ALLERGY MEDICATIONS COME WITH HAZARDS: BE AWARE
People with seasonal allergies often turn to over-the-counter and prescription medicines to relieve symptoms like coughing, sneezing, runny nose, congestion and itchy eyes, nose or throat. But they often aren’t aware that these meds—including antihistamines—have as much risk for potential side effects, drug interactions and overdose as other drugs. “All medicines have side effects associated with them even when they are taken appropriately and according to dosing directions on the label,”
5-20-2024 I CAN’T AFFORD OLIVE OIL—WHAT ELSE CAN I USE?
If you buy your olive oil in bulk, you’ve likely been in for a shock in recent weeks. Major supermarkets have been selling olive oil for up to A$65 for a four-liter tin, and up to $26 for a 750 milliliter bottle. We’ve been hearing about the health benefits of olive oil for years. And many of us are adding it to salads, or baking and frying with it. But during a cost-of-living crisis, these high prices can put olive oil out of reach. Let’s take a look at why
5-20-2024 Researchers uncover biological trigger of early puberty
Heather Brenhouse, associate professor of psychology, says disrupting the caretaker relationship can really traumatize a child or a developing rodent. Credit: Ruby Wallau/Northeastern University New research conducted by the Brenhouse Lab reveals how early life adversity triggers early puberty and late-life anxiety, paving the way for potential interventions. The onset of puberty has been creeping downward for decades. In the United States, the average age of girls reaching puberty ranges from 8.8 to 10.3 years old. The early start of puberty, which is associated with many health risks, can be
5-20-2024 Bioluminescence and 3D-printed implants shed light on brain–spinal interactions
Brain-spinal cord duet’s neurodynamic symphony is now accessible to scientists via novel multi-organ implants. Credit: Dmitrijs Celinskis A sensory process such as pain is no ordinary phenomenon—it’s a symphony of neural and vascular interactions orchestrated by the brain and spinal cord. Attempting to dissect this symphony by focusing on a single region is like trying to understand a complex melody by listening to just one instrument. It’s incomplete, potentially misleading, and may result in erroneous conclusions. Enter the Carney Institute’s team of visionaries. Their mission? To develop tools that allow
5-20-2024 New thesis explores cancer treatment that can prevent relapse
. What is the main focus of your thesis? Relapse following initial treatment efficacy remains a major clinical challenge for many cancers. The focus of my thesis has been to explore the therapeutic impact of immune cells in patients with blood cancer (leukemia), by first investigating which cells
5-20-2024 New study reveals health and social benefits of car-free living
Participating in a three-week car-free challenge has enhanced the health and well-being of Oxford residents, according to research conducted by The University of Bath’s Centre for Climate Change and Social Transformations (CAST), in partnership with climate charity Possible and Low Carbon Oxford North (LCON), conducted this research project. After ditching their cars for three weeks, 10 out of the 12 drivers across Oxford who participated said they plan to continue with reduced car use beyond the project. The findings of this research project show that: Day-to-day transport emissions were slashed
5-20-2024 Research shows linked biological pathways driving skin inflammation
A certain biological pathway—a set of linked reactions in the body—drives the inflammation seen in the skin disease psoriasis, a new study finds. The work could lead to improved therapies for all inflammatory skin diseases, including atopic and allergic dermatitis and a type of boil called hidradenitis suppurativa, say the study authors. The findings are published in the journal Immunity. Inflammation is the body’s natural response to irritation and infection, but when out of control, it can lead to the reddish, flaky, itchy lesions that
5-20-2024 Prescription co-payments linked to more hospital admissions in New Zealand, study finds
A new study from researchers cautions that bringing back the $5 co-payment for prescription medicines could see a jump in hospital admissions. The study analyzed health data for 71,502 people and found those who didn’t pick up a prescription because they couldn’t afford the $5 fee had a 34% higher rate of being admitted to hospital.
5-20-2024 How a simulation is informing COVID-19 vaccine policy after our ‘return to normal’
As the saying goes “There is no such thing as normal” and this has been especially true after the pandemic. Before the emergence of the omicron COVID-19 variant, countries like the U.K. had high vaccination coverage along with widespread exposure to COVID-19 in the population. This combination of vaccine and infection-derived immunity is termed hybrid immunity and is different to vaccine immunity or infection immunity alone. In contrast, other countries, including Australia, New Zealand and those in the Western Pacific, had a very different pandemic experience.
5-20-2024 Researchers find intriguing connections between Alzheimer’s disease and other common conditions
A study has found that while some medical conditions appear to increase our likelihood of developing Alzheimer’s disease, others appear to decrease the odds. The study, led by Dr. Yijun (Nicholas) Pan and Dr. Liang Jin, analyzed data from 2,443 older Australians living in Melbourne or Perth who are part of the Australian Imaging, Biomarker and Lifestyle (AIBL) study, an internationally recognized cohort for dementia research. “We found anxiety and other neurological disorders are associated with increased likelihood of Alzheimer’s disease,” Dr. Pan said.
5-20-2024 Prepping autistic or sound-sensitive kids for cicada noise
As Chicagoans await the emergence of the cicadas, parents of children on the autism spectrum and/or who have sensitivities to sound can take a few steps to prepare for what is expected to be a loud summer. “Some children on the spectrum can struggle with loud or unexpected noises, such as toilets that automatically flush, fireworks around the Fourth of July or the emergence of a large number of cicadas,”
5-20-2024 Study highlights importance of screening for rare inherited iron metabolism defects
Over 40% of cases curated based on stringent clinical and laboratory criteria from the Indian subcontinent have an inherited iron metabolism defect on comprehensive genomic evaluation, report investigators in The Journal of Molecular Diagnostics. Although iron deficiency anemia is the most prevalent form of anemia globally,
5-20-2024 Study finds tyrosine kinase Csk promotes germinal center B cell survival and affinity maturation
The authors found that Csk (a tyrosine kinase that attenuates B cell receptor signaling) is required for germinal center maintenance and efficient antibody maturation. The immune system strikes a fine balance by identifying and neutralizing disease-causing agents while carefully avoiding destruction of healthy tissues and cells. Now, researchers from Japan have shed new light on one of the processes that helps train immune cells to act only against genuine threats.
5-20-2024 Significant gaps between science of obesity and the care patients receive, say experts
As research continues to produce evidence about the underlying causes of obesity and optimal strategies to treat and manage obesity have evolved, there are disparities in application of the latest scientific advances in the clinical care that people with obesity receive. Widespread adoption of current findings, consistency of care and expertise in obesity care varies by health care professional and institution.
5-20-2024 Improving online depression treatment
Symptom course of depression for individuals who dropped out of treatment and those who completed treatment. In the dropout group, there is an initial decrease in symptoms while the patients were still in treatment, which tapers off as they drop out. For completers, there is close to a linear change over time. This suggests there is a relation between the more that an individual continues to participate in ICBT and their depressive symptom improvement.
5-20-2024 Women face worse chronic kidney disease management in primary care
Women receive worse primary care-based chronic kidney disease (CKD) management than men, according to a research letter adult patients with CKD receiving primary care at 15 practices using electronic health record data to examine sex disparities in guideline-based CKD management
5-20-2024 Bisoprolol does not reduce exacerbations in at-risk COPD patients
For patients with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), bisoprolol does not reduce the number of self-reported exacerbations treated with oral corticosteroids, antibiotics, or both, according to a study
5-20-2024 Anticancer potential of CLK kinase inhibitors 1C8 and GPS167 via EMT and antiviral immune response
The diheteroarylamide-based compound 1C8 and the aminothiazole carboxamide-related compound GPS167 inhibit the CLK kinases, and affect the proliferation of a broad range of cancer cell lines. A chemogenomic screen previously performed with GPS167 revealed that the depletion of components associated with mitotic spindle assembly altered
5-20-2024 Study sheds light on bacteria associated with pre-term birth
Researchers from North Carolina State University have found that multiple species of Gardnerella, bacteria sometimes associated with bacterial vaginosis (BV) and pre-term birth, can coexist in the same vaginal microbiome. The findings, published in mSystems, add to the emerging picture of Gardnerella’s effects on human health. Gardnerella is a group of anaerobic bacteria that are commonly found in the vaginal microbiome. Higher levels of the bacteria are a signature of BV and associated with higher risk of pre-term birth, but it is also found in women who have no sign
5-20-2024 New AI model uses federated learning for multi-organ segmentation based on medical image data
Researchers have successfully developed the technology that can accurately segment different body organs by effectively learning medical image data used for different purposes in different hospitals, which is expected to greatly contribute to the development of large-scale medical AI models in the future.
5-20-2024 Second Phase 3 clinical trial again shows dupilumab lessens disease in COPD patients with type 2 inflammation
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease patients with type 2 inflammation may soon gain access to a new drug—dupilumab—that showed rapid and sustained improvements in patients in a pivotal Phase 3 clinical trial, researchers report in the New England Journal of Medicine. This monoclonal antibody is the first biologic shown to improve clinical outcomes in COPD. The data supporting the use of dupilumab in COPD will be reviewed by the United States Food and Drug Administration in June. The disease improvements—as measured by a significantly lower annualized rate of acute exacerbations
5-20-2024 New AI model uses federated learning for multi-organ segmentation based on medical image data
Researchers have successfully developed the technology that can accurately segment different body organs by effectively learning medical image data used for different purposes in different hospitals, which is expected to greatly contribute to the development of large-scale medical AI models in the future.
5-20-2024 Second Phase 3 clinical trial again shows dupilumab lessens disease in COPD patients with type 2 inflammation
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease patients with type 2 inflammation may soon gain access to a new drug—dupilumab—that showed rapid and sustained improvements in patients in a pivotal Phase 3 clinical trial, researchers report in the New England Journal of Medicine. This monoclonal antibody is the first biologic shown to improve clinical outcomes in COPD. The data supporting the use of dupilumab in COPD will be reviewed by the United States Food and Drug Administration in June. The disease improvements—as measured by a significantly lower annualized rate of acute exacerbations

• 5-20-2024GALLBLADDER CANCER RISES AMONG BLACK AMERICANS AS CASES DECLINE IN OTHER GROUPS
• 5-20-2024US PEDIATRICIANS REVERSE DECADES-OLD ADVICE AGAINST HIV-POSITIVE MOTHERS BREASTFEEDING
• 5-20-2024UK REPORT FINDS COVER-UP OF DECADES-LONG INFECTED BLOOD SCANDAL
• 5-20-2024ASTRAZENECA TO BUILD $1.5 BLN CANCER DRUG FACILITY IN SINGAPORE
• 5-20-2024CHEMO FOR GLIOBLASTOMA ENHANCED BY TAPPING INTO CELL’S DAILY RHYTHMS
• 5-20-2024RESEARCH SHOWS THAT FERROPTOSIS, A FORM OF CELL DEATH, OCCURS IN SEVERE COVID-19 PATIENT LUNGS
• 5-20-2024BODY’S ‘MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE’ DELIVERS TARGETED CANCER TREATMENT
• 5-20-2024EARLY BLOOD GLUCOSE CONTROL FOR THOSE WITH TYPE 2 DIABETES CRUCIAL FOR REDUCING COMPLICATIONS, PROLONGING LIFE
• 5-20-2024GRID CELL RESPONSES TO THE ILLUSION OF SELF-LOCATION
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS DISCOVER TOP-DOWN SIGNALS IN BRAIN CIRCUITS REGULATING DEPRESSION
• 5-20-2024BENIGN NAIL CONDITION LINKED TO RARE SYNDROME THAT GREATLY INCREASES CANCER RISK
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS REVEAL PROMISING TREATMENT TARGET FOR RESISTANT BRAIN CANCER
• 5-20-2024NEW MECHANISMS UNDERLYING TUMOR VARIETY IN BRAIN CANCERS DISCOVERED
• 5-20-2024STUDY EXPLORES PATIENT TRUST IN PHYSICIANS
• 5-20-2024MOTIVATED BY LACK OF DIVERSITY IN NEUROLOGICAL STUDIES, SCIENTISTS LOOK TO ENSURE EQUITY IN BRAIN RESEARCH
• 5-20-2024FLUORIDE EXPOSURE DURING PREGNANCY LINKED TO INCREASED RISK OF CHILDHOOD NEUROBEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS, STUDY FINDS
• 5-20-2024STUDY SUGGESTS BOTH STEP AND TIME-BASED EXERCISE TARGETS ARE EQUALLY BENEFICIAL
• 5-20-2024MEDICAID ‘UNWINDING’ DECRIED AS BIASED AGAINST DISABLED PEOPLE
• 5-20-2024TIMESAVING TIPS FOR COOKING HEALTHY MEALS
• 5-20-2024UNDERSTANDING PERIMENOPAUSE VS. MENOPAUSE
• 5-20-2024LOW-DOSE IRON SUPPLEMENTATION HAS NO BENEFIT FOR BREASTFED INFANTS, SHOWS STUDY
• 5-20-2024IS IT BIRD FLU JUST AN ANIMAL THING, OR CAN PEOPLE CATCH IT?
• 5-20-2024SCIENTISTS USE NEW APPROACH TO DISABLE BRAIN CANCER CELLS’ ABILITY TO SURVIVE
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHER FINDS MOTHERS LIVE LONGER AS CHILD MORTALITY DECLINES
• 5-20-2024U-SHAPED LINK DETECTED BETWEEN ADOLESCENT BMI AND MENTAL HEALTH
• 5-20-2024AI CHATBOTS SHOW HIGHER EMPATHY, READABILITY IN RESPONDING TO CANCER QUESTIONS, STUDY FINDS
• 5-20-2024ALLERGY MEDICATIONS COME WITH HAZARDS: BE AWARE
• 5-20-2024GENETICALLY ENGINEERED PIG HEARTS TRANSPLANTED IN TWO BRAIN-DEAD PATIENTS REVEAL MORE ABOUT IMMUNE RESPONSE
• 5-20-2024I CAN’T AFFORD OLIVE OIL—WHAT ELSE CAN I USE?
• 5-20-2024HOW NEWBORN CHICKS ARE HELPING TO SETTLE A CENTURIES-OLD DEBATE ABOUT COGNITION AND OUR SENSES
• 5-20-2024STOMACH PARALYSIS RISK MAY RISE IN PEOPLE TAKING OZEMPIC AND SIMILAR DRUGS
• 5-20-2024WHY AUTISTIC PEOPLE MUST BE AT THE HEART OF AUTISM RESEARCH
• 5-20-2024OUR BODIES DON’T JUST MAKE GALL AND KIDNEY STONES—FROM SALIVA TO TONSILS, THESE ARE OTHER ONES TO LOOK OUT FOR
• 5-20-20241 IN 4 PARENTS SAY THEIR TEEN CONSUMES CAFFEINE DAILY OR NEARLY EVERY DAY
• 5-20-2024EX-CIGARETTE SMOKERS WHO VAPE MAY BE AT HIGHER RISK FOR LUNG CANCER
• 5-20-2024DOING DAILY CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE IS BEST ACTIVITY FOR INDIVIDUALS RECOVERING FROM COVID-19, SAY SCIENTISTS
• 5-20-2024NEW AI ALGORITHM MAY IMPROVE AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE PREDICTION AND THERAPIES
• 5-20-2024ALCOHOL USE DISORDER CAN BE TREATED WITH AN ARRAY OF MEDICATIONS—BUT FEW PEOPLE HAVE HEARD OF THEM
• 5-20-2024VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY TIED TO WORSE OUTCOMES WITH EARLY KIDNEY DISEASE
• 5-20-2024NEGATIVE LINK SEEN FOR OXIDATIVE BALANCE SCORE WITH CHRONIC KIDNEY DISEASE
• 5-20-2024ANDEXANET YIELDS BETTER CONTROL OF HEMATOMA EXPANSION THAN USUAL CARE, FINDS STUDY
• 5-20-2024STUDY FINDS FAT CELLS INFLUENCE HEART HEALTH IN CHAGAS DISEASE
• 5-20-2024PEDIATRICIAN EXPLAINS WHY INFANTS NEED BABY FORMULA INSTEAD OF COW’S MILK
• 5-20-2024HOW TELEHEALTH HAS IMPROVED THE LIVES OF PEOPLE WITH SUBSTANCE DISORDERS
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP FIRST HUMAN MINI-BRAIN WITH FULLY FUNCTIONAL BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER
• 5-20-2024FROM INFECTION TO CHRONIC ILLNESS: LEARNING FROM LONG COVID
• 5-20-2024PLATELET BIOMARKERS SHED LIGHT ON POTENTIAL RISK FACTORS FOR SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME
• 5-20-2024DO PATIENTS WITH DEVICE-DETECTED ATRIAL FIBRILLATION AND PRIOR STROKE BENEFIT FROM ANTICOAGULATION?
• 5-20-2024CONTRACEPTION OPTIONS SHOULD BE GIVEN WITH ORAL RETINOIDS TO AVOID SERIOUS HARM TO UNBORN BABIES, SAYS STUDY
• 5-20-2024STUDY REVEALS INEQUITIES IN MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES FOR JUSTICE-INVOLVED YOUTH AS THEY AGE
• 5-20-2024STUDY SHOWS EXERCISE SPURS NEURON GROWTH AND REWIRES THE BRAIN, HELPING MICE FORGET TRAUMATIC AND ADDICTIVE MEMORIES
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS DISCOVER BRAIN NETWORK THAT RECOGNIZES EMOTIONS
• 5-20-2024PHILLY HEALTH OFFICIALS DETECT A VETERINARY SEDATIVE MORE POWERFUL THAN XYLAZINE IN DRUG SAMPLES
• 5-20-2024PARC MODEL OF CARE ASSOCIATED WITH FEWER DEATHS AMONG VETERANS POST-ICU
• 5-20-2024CAR-T THERAPY IN PEDIATRIC LEUKEMIA
• 5-20-2024SPIROMETRY CLINICAL TRIAL ELIGIBILITY MAY DIFFER WITH RACE-NEUTRAL EQUATIONS
• 5-20-2024CAN PINK NOISE ENHANCE SLEEP AND MEMORY? EARLY RESEARCH DRIVES A COLOR NOISE BUZZ
• 5-20-2024NEW CRISPR SCREENING METHOD COULD REVEAL WHAT DRIVES BRAIN DISEASES
• 5-20-2024IS A GLOBAL PANDEMIC PREVENTION PACT WITHIN REACH?
• 5-20-2024NEW DEVICE HELPS PARAPLEGICS REGAIN PARTIAL USE OF HANDS
• 5-20-2024RELATIONSHIP STUDY SAYS PARENTAL ACCEPTANCE IN CHILDHOOD PREDICTS ABILITY TO FORGIVE AS ADULTS
• 5-20-2024SIMULATION-BASED TRAINING PROGRAM IMPROVES EVALUATION OF UNDESCENDED TESTICLES
• 5-20-2024UPTAKE OF FLU, WHOOPING COUGH, AND COVID-19 VACCINES REMAINS LOW AMONG PREGNANT WOMEN
• 5-20-2024NEW TOOL FLAGS HIDDEN SEXUAL STRUGGLES IN FEMALE PARTNERS OF PATIENTS WITH PROSTATE CANCER

I work in biotech and have been with this company for 3 years. Before that I was with an academic lab/core working with the same things for 2.5 years.
I worked really, really hard at the academic lab. Only took time off if I was sick and then only if I couldn't function. I rarely took a lunch because I was so busy I didn't have time to eat. I'd easily work 10-12 hour days and always got paid for it. My boss was super appreciative and promised me a promotion that never materialized. He blamed it on HR which I want to give the benefit of doubt to him and believe but I never got a promotion. I got tired of the constant push and poor pay. I was about to be living without a roommate and could not afford it. So I looked for a job in the industry and got one.
At first I was excited because it was way more pay and set 9-5 hours and people were pretty relaxed about that. Things went well for the first year. I got to help on projects and it really seemed like the role was working for me. However, I never heard a whisper of a promotion nor any discussions about my career prospects within the group. I felt invisible to my manager and just drifted through the work hoping something would change.
It did in the form of a new manager. My previous one was promoted and someone under her was then promoted who I got along with. I thought "alright, now things might be changing!". They did not as it was the same old same old. He did help me put together some goals to learn new instruments and techniques but I was always so busy I couldn't do them.
A few months later a new guy gets brought in and one day after a department-wide meeting, a bunch of us were asked to stay. We were being moved under the new guy to basically do nothing but what I was already doing. I was furious because it felt like I was boxed into a corner to be yet again forgotten about and left to the wolves. They guy was pretty nice and approachable.
This didn't last more than maybe 3 months before he brought someone in personally to oversee our group since he was the director or whatever of our group (dumb workplace hierarchy stuff). So in about 9 months I'd went through 3 managers. None of whom gave any real guidance and didn't seem to take an interest in being a manager and helping your direct reports grow.
I did not like the new guy at all. He gave me a really weird vibe that just made me uncomfortable. That sort of went away as I got to know him a bit but he was still always a little awkward and off putting to me. By this point I felt completely boxed out of any opportunity. He let me help on a long term project but that's about it. I've been doing nothing but the same thing since I started.
I also struggle with depression, anxiety, and chronic migraines. A fact that I had to embarrassingly bring up in a meeting with him, my previous manager, and HR. I was in trouble because I'd missed 2 days without saying anything. At the time this happened I was experiencing really bad withdrawal symptoms from running out of a medication that took a few days to sort out. I also mentioned my chronic migraines as being a reason for absences and having to resort to PTO since I'd ran out of sick days.
They seemed very understanding and offered me support and just wanted me to fix being late all the time and lower productivity. I did my best and was able to appease them. That is until recently. I'd went on a vacation with my partner and took Monday off the week I'd be returning to work. Except I totally forgot to submit the PTO. I'd thought I had done this, genuinely but my manager was a real dick about it. He clearly didn't believe me, used my last incident against me, called me unreliable, told me to get my shit together because I'd forgotten to do some things that he'd said weren't urgent.
Needless to say, I left that meeting feeling really down but not worried. Then a few weeks ago I took a long weekend to go see a friend. I ended up getting sick with an ear infection the day after I got back so I was out for 2 days. Both were submitted and he knew. The second day, I see another meeting with him, my previous manager, and HR. This time they were far less friendly and understanding. The HR guy accused me of abusing PTO for sick leave (I've been out of sick leave since February due to chronic migraines). Now I'm to go on a PIP and I feel like my days are numbered. I tried to use my latest performance review to stick up for me but my own boss acted almost as if it didn't say what it said and HR guy interrupted me and told me the performance review doesn't matter. So I just shut down and let them speak their piece and then I left the meeting. I feel like my manager just wants me gone and doesn't like me which is fair because I don't like him.
I've already started looking for new jobs but I'm not even sure if I want to stay in this career anymore. I'm burned out and tired. I'm not listened to nor accommodated as I feel this should be. I've applied for FMLA to use intermittently for my illness but I feel their just going to fire me anyway. I'm hoping they offer a severance and me quitting in lieu of a PIP but they probably won't. This company doesn't care about any of us. None of them do.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you handle it? I also want to sit down with HR myself and tell my side of things now that I've had time to process and collect my thoughts but I don't think it'd do any good. Sorry for the long rambling rant! I tried to break it up into paragraphs instead of a big wall of text.

Hi everyone I am a data analyst trying to take on my first project as the one leading it. This projects goal is to redefine two columns of data one is a more broad grouping job family and the other is the specifics job function to make data pulls easier and more efficient across our org. I’m stressing because out of the leadership and other analysts working on this I have the least knowledge I’ve been here a little under a year I just took the initiative for this since I started the initial audit. Thinking of how I’m going to map this out and try to guide other people who know more than me stresses me out especially in meetings I have trouble chiming in my own ideas since I’m nervous asf. Any help will bd appreciated.

Hi, all! 👋

Intro/Question:

Let me just start out by saying that I’ve been on here for a little while and have admired not only the persistence, dedication, and grit of the women on here, but also the kindness and support in comparison to other groups. I wish I could give/get hugs from you all because a lot of you seem like such wonderful people, and I could really use some of that kindness in my life at the moment.
Now, I guess I’ll get right into my reason for posting this: I’d love some advice/insight/thoughts from y’all on recommendations for my next steps in this career transition towards software development because I’ve been struggling for awhile with finding a FT or even PT role.
Throughout this time, my mental health has also declined greatly (while on this journey, I’ve actually started antidepressant medication for the first time ever because my mental health has exponentially decreased, and have also seen a few different therapists in the same span of time).

VERY brief overview of my journey thus far:

Early Education: Growing up in a predominantly white community outside the main city, I was put into ESL classes despite being born in the U.S. I'm Latina, and my parents--who knew little English at the time--agreed with everything the educators suggested. This meant I was often taken out of critical science and math classes to make time for ESL work. Despite being a straight-A student, I had to work harder than others, and I believe this was one reason why.About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with combined ADD/ADHD. As a kid, it often took me longer to complete my work. My parents noticed but assumed it was just the way I functioned. My mom often recounted how I needed a "million" breaks while doing homework, which often led to late nights. Despite these struggles, I managed to stay on top of my studies.
Undergrad Education (2015 - 2019): I am a first-gen college grad and earned a bachelors in biochem & environmental science summer 2019. I discovered computer science during my junior year of college (by then, it was too late to take more courses in CS let alone attempt to make a switch without staying an extra year, which my scholarships would not cover). After graduating college, I was still interested in learning more about CS, so I took an Introduction to Programming in C course at my local community college, and not only earned an A, but also thoroughly enjoyed the content.
Grad School (Spring 2022): Enrolled in an online Masters in CS at Case Western Reserve University for those without CS degrees with a $30,000 grant from the dept. Took Discrete Mathematics and Algorithms & Data Structures in Java (those of us w/o a CS degree had to pass these before being able to move into the rest of the program where we’d be merged with those who DID have CS degrees), but paused due to my younger brother's unexpected passing.
Bootcamp (Fall 2022): Received a full-ride scholarship to a bootcamp (1/15 out of 1200 applicants accepted) where I learned full-stack development with Python, JavaScript, SQL, Flask, AJAX, and React, among other technologies. Graduated December 2022.
Further Learning (Spring/Summer 2023): Accepted into Code the Dream’s React course, dedicating over 20 hours per week to mastering React all while volunteering to work on open-source projects.
Internship (Fall 2023 - Present): I was interning at an early-stage Ed Tech startup up until the end of April, contributing to building an app from the ground up. I Gained experience in code writing/reviewing, CI/CD methodology, technical communication, and working on a software development team along with other teams like the content team and design team.

Struggles/Thoughts:

I have been consistently applying for FT/PT roles, internships, etc. with nothing but maybe 4 interviews since graduating from my bootcamp. In addition, I’ve been tweaking my resume for jobs that I feel I could be a particularly good candidate for using Jobscan with no luck.
With regards to the startup, they’ve informed me that they do not have sufficient funding to bring me on. Furthermore, about a month after the internship contract officially ended, the other female intern (graduated from the same bootcamp, although different cohorts) at the startup also let me know that she was being brought on again for an extended contract, and asked if I was offered the same—to which I replied that no, I wasn’t. I guess she also has an associates in CS, which also helps and I am not mad at her for anything and support her and uplift her, but as you can imagine, I am a little disappointed (more in myself than anything, I guess). It just makes me feel a bit crushed. I made myself always available (even after hours), replied quickly, got along super well with everyone, got my tasks all done for the most part. ==> Towards the end, I was tasked with a particularly difficult task, and was able to get through a good chunk of a new game, but was not able to fully finish. During this period, I was also struggling to get ahold of my ADHD meds, but they seemed to be out of stock everywhere, so that also didn't help.

Next steps:

I’m debating whether I should just keep applying, find some other program (AS/BS/MS), or just stop this trajectory altogether (although, I REALLY hope that I won’t have to because it would probably break me 😔).
I know that my math skills probably aren’t on par with those of others in the field, and I know that I need to work on those as well, so if you have any suggestions for free resources for that/what I should focus on with regards to teaching myself these concepts I’d also really appreciate it. I'm currently taking the Harvard CS50 course for credit as well as a Mathematics for Machine Learning course on Coursera (they state that this is for people of all math levels).
I’ve learned a lot and am passionate about continuing to grow as a software engineedeveloper. Any advice on next steps, opportunities, etc. that you feel may be relevant would be greatly appreciated. Thank you SO much if you read this far! 🫶

Hi!
A new major release of DaDaBIK is out (founder here) and I think this might be of interest to this subreddit.
V. 12 brings, among other new features:
🚀 A new Graphical User Interface for generated apps, addressing what some users saw as the main limitation of DaDaBIK. New, modern, look and feel.
🔄 The new BETA development mode, that allows to privately (admins + trusted users) test your changes and custom code in BETA mode and deploy them LIVE in one click, optionally using two separated (Beta Vs. Live) DBs.
👩‍💻 AI-Powered App Building: simply describe your app in plain English and let AI create it, then refine your app with DaDaBIK.
💾 Export your app in one click
A quick overview, if you are not familiar with DaDaBIK: it has been a pioneer in the low-code and no-code space since 2001, being one of the very first no-code low-code Web platform, typically used for internal tools, business process automation, online databases.
Users include individuals, small and large business and many universities.
Some of the main features:

• Build advanced CRUD on top of your database without coding
• Inline editing (spreadsheet-like)
• Charts, tabular reports and dashboards (simple, no-code or complex, custom, SQL-based)
• Advanced permissions model: set granular permissions for each field / user group pair, owner permissions (e.g. I can see only the records I created), custom row-level filters
• Revision / audit features: Track who modified a record, when, and how.
• Export to PDF (with custom templates, if needed)
• 23 languages available

You can also add your own PHP / Javascript code, if needed, through a unique low-code integration approach. This includes custom buttons, hooks, custom validation functions, calculated fields, custom PHP pages and more. Your code remain completely separated from the DaDaBIK core code but fully integrated with the application, you can use vanilla PHP / Javascript and/or take advantage of the DaDABIK API.
No artificial limits on users, tables, records: if you need to scale, just power up your server.

Integration capabilities:

• Host anywhere the app, host anywhere the DB, no data vendor lock-in
• MySQL, PostgreSQL, MS SQL Server, SQLite supported
• Import (and synch) data from Excel and CSV
• LDAP authentication
• HTTP API (login and query DaDaBIK from other applications)
• Export to CSV
• Embed in a Wordpress site and share authentication with WP
• Full access to the database from other apps (DaDaBIK, by default, doesn't touch the schema of your existing DB, if any)

Licensing Options:

Both lifetime and monthly subscription licenses are available. You can start your free trial at dadabik.com/download
If you want to see DaDaBIK in action, here are some apps created with it: dadabik.com/demo
Any feedback is welcome, thanks!
Eugenio

Hi there. My son, 18 at the time, found his mother dead. Two years ago. She passed out after drinking and never woke up. She was a highly educated , mostly functional, amazing wife and mother. On the surface and to most people outside of our family, everything was fine. But some trauma in her teens, and some things that hadn’t worked out in her life, meant that she sought solace in alcohol and sleeping meds. My son found her unresponsive one day, called emergency services but it was too late. I was out of town for work so he was the one who dealt with everything for a few hours - emergency response etc. A nightmare. Two years later he seems ‘ok’ but I know he has gone through so much trauma, grief, shock, etc. He is not interested in counseling. He is at college, a few hours away from home. Question - what good support groups or communities exist for him to connect to - I think he would do well in an online anonymous setting to start with, maybe to break the initial barriers down. His situation is pretty specific; young adult, deceased alcoholic parent, trauma of being the one to discover her, etc. Also, are there other Reddit communities I should post this to? Thank you in advance for the attention.

Tagged as humor because I have to laugh in order to not cry. We’re all aware how low achieving students across the country are. This is my 7th year teaching and currently I’m teaching 8th grade Civics.
I am constantly shocked just at how low my students are and how much support they need performing basic functions and tasks. I know you all experience similar things in your classroom. I feel like I am constantly having to decide between what I know is right (where my 8th graders SHOULD be) vs what is reality (where they actually are). I used to teach 6th grade and the assignments I gave them with ease, I have to walk step by step with my 8th graders.
I had a moment where this caused basically an existentialist crisis and reckoning. I think I’m experiencing moral injury: becoming a teacher to help kids only to be forced to participate in a system that fails them at every turn.
I have 14 year olds who cannot write a complete sentence. A paragraph? You better give them sentence starters if you want anything remotely stylistic. Even basic reading comprehension questions after a paragraph passage I have to walk them through step by step. The lowest level I’m legally qualified to teach is 6th grade; I have no formal training in teaching a child to read or construct basic sentences. By the time they get to me it’s expected they already know how to do that but as we’ll know, many don’t.
I’m so alarmed on both a micro and macro level. Zoomed in, I love the majority of my students. They’re (usually) good kids but I worry that unless they drastically change in the next 5 years their earning potential is significantly limited because they lack basic skills. Zoomed out, I worry about our society. The gap between the haves and have nots (academically speaking, the students who can and cannot) is further widening and I am so scared about our future if a large chunk of our population can’t hold down an hourly position.
How do you deal with this on a daily basis? I feel like people outside of teaching are generally aware of this but they don’t encounter this 5 days a week. Right now the only thing keeping me going is focusing on my small group of all star kids.

If you're looking for the largest capacity air fryer currently available, the GoWISE USA GW44800-O Deluxe Air Fryer Oven stands out with its substantial 12.7-quart capacity. This model is highly versatile, featuring 15 built-in preset functions and the ability to dehydrate, making it suitable for large families and groups. It also comes with a built-in rotisserie, allowing you to cook whole roasts and chickens, along with multiple rack levels for cooking different items simultaneously​.
Another notable large-capacity air fryer is the Instant Vortex Plus XL, which offers a spacious 10-quart capacity. This model is praised for its multi-functionality, capable of air frying, roasting, broiling, baking, reheating, and dehydrating. It's well-suited for families and those who enjoy hosting gatherings​.
For a combination of large capacity and advanced features, the Cosori Air Fryer Max XL is a popular choice with a 5.8-quart capacity. It's designed with a large rectangular basket, which provides more cooking space than many other models with similar quart sizes. This model is particularly noted for its ease of use and efficient cooking performance​​.
These models provide a range of options depending on your specific needs, from maximum capacity to multifunctional features and ease of use.