I (35F) want to leave my abusive husband (32M combat veteran) so badly but I don't know the best way to do it. I'm sorry this is so long but I'm begging for help, insight, any reassurance...
He says he used to have major anger issues but I never thought he would take them out on me. He has PTSD and a traumatic brain injury which makes his moods unpredictable.
I talked to his ex two days ago and she said he shoved her once, put his hands around her neck during a flashback, and also had a gun pointed at her during a flashback. He said they were engaged but she insisted they never were. She also said he was supposed to pick her up from the airport one time but he texted back saying he couldn't, because he wasn't sure if he was going to do something bad to her.
His abuse started when we moved in together while we were still engaged. I found out he had been on Onlyfans at the beginning of our relationship and just shortly before we got married... I was angry but I downplayed it and thought I could get over it. All it did was cause massive trust issues that have never healed and never will. He was subscribed to one of his exes and he also messaged one of the girls asking to meet just shortly after I stayed the week at his place for my birthday.
I spiraled mentally once the anger phase passed (severe depression and anxiety) and told him what I saw. He tried to deny it but when I said I knew his "pictures" he caved and said he wished I never told him and punched the headboard of our bed. He's my only source of comfort so I went to him countless times telling him I was still struggling with my trust issues and worried about whether he was still looking at other women, because he is subscribed to tons of women like that on Instagram and Tiktok. I started snooping looking for any evidence I could get so I could finally convince myself to leave him.
Everytime I confronted him about what I saw he made excuses and flew into a rage at me for snooping, screamed in my face, threw objects and furniture around (including our wedding rings and he broke my engagement ring in the process), punched walls, threatened divorce, demanded me to leave, or walked out without saying where he was going which made me call the police one time to look for him. I blamed myself because I was the one snooping and I told myself how would I feel if my partner constantly snooped on me? I blamed myself for everything and still kind of do. But he says it's his fault I'm like this and he just has to deal with the consequences.
Other times he says he has changed and it's my fault for getting in my head all the time, that my lack of trust is always so hard on him, and that my depression and anxiety are constantly dragging him down even though he says he's doing everything right to make me feel better. When I come to him to talk he usually sighs or treats it like a chore.
He says he beats himself up everyday for what he did and has apologized multiple times. But I never see any true regret. He told me "everybody else gets over their problems, why can't you?" He says he went through so much worse in the military than I have ever gone through and he got over his problems, so why can't I? That I need to "unfuck" myself and "everybody has depression."
One day when he came home I was feeling very low but he was in a bad mood already and he came at me, screaming that he's getting tired of me always being down and threatened divorce. I asked if he hated me and he looked at me and said in a really frightening way "if I hated you you'd be dead." That crushed me. Another time I got mad and said I was this way because of what he did to break my trust and he screamed at me multiple times to STFU, "waaah waaah waaaah you're always a Debbie downer" and threw in my face "you have no friends." He said he was done with the marriage but I talked him into staying because he has me so convinced the problem is me.
Other things... rough/forceful/demeaning sex... always saying "fuck you baby" in a cutesy way as a way to interact when we're doing our own things separately... slamming a controller down on my knee accidentally because he flew into a rage over losing a game... continuing to yell and saying he wasn't allowed to express anger even when I said it was scaring me... telling me once "I don't THINK I'd ever hurt you" (physically)... almost never helping with house chores and shopping... using me for money even though he makes more than I do with his disability payments... insulting my mother who helps us financially... trying to kick my cat one night when he couldn't sleep.
He's always so mean and critical of complete strangers when we go out and he acts like a macho narcissist who has everything figured out and he knows the right way about everything, like someone who is super opinionated to an obnoxious extent.
There's more but this is the worst of it all.
I read Lundy Bancroft's book asking myself if he's really that bad because 90% of the time he's good and loving. I know what I'm involved in and I know how much I've trauma bonded with him. But I've reached the point where I wake up every day in panic and despair knowing I'm still here and I want to get out. I already tried to leave before with a go bag and my cat but he talked me back. Some days I still try to convince myself the good times are worth staying for because I'm exhausted and I just want a good day for once. I've been miserable for months but I'm a pressure cooker now just waiting to blow. I'm falling apart.
I know I'm going to talk to a divorce lawyer and at least see if I have a case to have him evicted through a PFA. In that case he would be moving back in with his dad but he'd be close by. I could get the locks changed but I wouldn't put it past him to stalk me and try to hurt me (PFA or not -- he is suicidal anyway and has a lot of contempt for laws and the police), vandalize my car, or try to break into the apartment to hurt me or my cat. I don't even know if I would still be happy here where all these bad memories happened. And I wouldn't feel safe for myself or my cat everytime if I left the apartment.
The only other option is moving back in with my alcoholic narcissistic mother (my abusive alcoholic scizophrenic brother lives with her too) who doesn't know how to provide emotional support and hasn't been supportive at all throughout this marriage except financially. I would have to live in her garage, trust her not to let my cat loose if I go out, and make multiple trips back to my abusive husband still in the apartment to get all my belongings and furniture. He doesn't work, he's on school break now for summer so he's always here. I know I can get a police escort but they're not going to wait around for me to pack up the entire place. Almost everything is mine.
My husband might even just volunteer to leave and move back in with his dad like he has done before. I might not even need a PFA. I'm more afraid he'll try to hurt me if I actually get one versus if he just left by himself. I also don't know if he would offer to leave then just try to come back and hurt me before I could get the locks changed. The landlords constantly ignore the residents so I'd have to wait days or weeks for a lock change. Our lease ends next March.
I don't know what to do. All I want is to be by myself again with my cat in a safe place and it seems like no place and no escape plan I can come up with is entirely safe or secure. I'm at a loss but I can't keep living like this.

Just unplug your ROUTER or MODEM for 8-12 hours, create a new account and you'll be good to go with no worries of a "circumvent ban."
Reddit uses AI to monitor accounts created from the same PUBLIC IP address so unless you have a Static IP address - which you have to pay extra for, your ISP will generate a brand new Public IP address as it's default setting is DHCP.
Reddit bans accounts that are associated with a banned account on whatever public IP you were on.
You can use a VPN but chances are that will get banned eventually because Reddit also has ways to snoop out VPN connections.
Literally just unplug your modem before you go to bed and get a new fresh IP in the morning :)

Hey gang - I don't know where to vent - so i'll vent here, I'm not sure if i'm in the wrong mindset. My partner (33F) is 14 weeks pregnant. (WOOT!) prior to this, we've been together for over 2 years. We both have been out of college and have about 7 YOE. I own my own home, my own cars, and we are both financially stable. We both agreed to start trying (if it happens it happens) 2 years into our relationship. we are both extremely excited about this next step in our life! I first told my brother and my parents. They both were even more excited than I, I loved it, I even have recordings of their reactions, it is beautiful. Then we decided to tell her mother and brother, granted, I've gotten really close with her brother, and her mother (we lived with them for 3 months while i closed on my home). When we told her mother, her mothers reaction was more of a 1.5 hr screaming fest; the repeated statements were; "How could you do this to me, you embarrassing me", "I taught you better", "What is wrong with you guys?", "How could you skip this step?", "This is wrong", "I am embarrassed" , "This makes me look bad", "I am disappointed in you (her daughter)". different ways of saying that, just because we weren't wed. I proceeded to be clam, and stand my ground, to ensure her, that her daughter is the love of my life, the barer of my child, I will fight for this family, I will love both of these people with ever being of my fiber. I told her my reason was that I would rather have a larger finical safety net to bring a child into this world since we are both 33, than to spend money on a wedding, and risk later life pregnancy. She would have non of this. As i watched my partner cry her face off, while her mother just stood there laying waste with her unsupportive words. I was torn, I am a big family guy. I only have a tiny circle (my clan) that i keep close... I told her mom, "I'm sorry you feel this way, what can i do to make you feel better?" she continued to just yell the same sentiment.. I looked at my partner, knowing she should NOT be stressed during this time of pregnancy, and said 'lets leave and give each other space' my partner didn't want to (in respect for her mom - we are both asian) but I insisted we leave. We did, I told her "respectfully I think we all need some space, if you allow us, we would like to leave right now", she said "ok".
I could not sleep for a couple nights (its been 3 weeks) the words she said cut like knives.. I feel offended, I feel so angry. Logically, in my mind i think, if you are a parent, your job is to watch your children.. they fumble, they fail, but you guide them you support them. How could you ever tell them their actions are a mistake and embarrassment.. furthermore.. her daughter is pregnant, she is experiencing so many emotions, especially fear.. how could you not put aside your feeling, and know at this very moment your daughter is looking for your support.. how could you let your daughter down when she needs you the MOST. I am twisted up, because I thought I was a good judge of character.. but wow all i come up with is selfish individual... who just cares about themselves.. This mother is supposed to be an adult.. all that angry and anguish all because... ? we weren't married? because we 'skipped' a step? all because we didn't fit into their cookie cutter norms.. I spiraled further questioning myself.. then came back around.. I grew up in a trailer.. no money, I fought tooth and nail, to put myself in college, to learn, to grow, to buy myself a car, to buy myself a home, and to get myself to a point I love. Yet how am i so irked by this person.. how can this person even understand what I went through. they don't, I think i'm just so conflicted. Sometimes I wish I could go and let her know a piece of my mind, I love family, and the thought of putting a rut between my partner and her mother also kills me.. I don't want that, but I don't want someone with those values of "self", "me", "me" around my child. Ever since then, so much of my why my partner and her brother are the way they are makes sense. I just want to let this mother know, "I am disappointed in myself, for letting someone so selfish come so close to me, I forgive but I don't forget. Lastly Thank you, thank you for raising someone to NOT be like you"
sorry - I guess... in some big part of this whole post is my having this bottled up emotion, being conflicted, and not able or willing to put this stress on my pregnant partner.
Thanks for listening.

I (34F) have been married to my husband (33) for 8 years. We have two kids. I love him, I truly do but I don’t think I can take this anymore. His birthday is May 10, mine is May 17, and Mother’s Day (USA) is usually in between them. Every year I end up crying myself to sleep because of him. A little back story. His family isn’t very good. They rarely even acknowledge his existence and usually only when they need something from him. My family on the other hand is completely different. My parents to this day still surprise me with a cake and sing happy birthday to me. Every year without fail, my husband gets jealous and sabotages both Mother’s Day and my birthday. He takes one minor situation and blows it way out of proportion. Resulting in him rotating between giving me the silent treatment or snapping at me and telling me what a horrible person I am. This year for instance, he decided to take me to Barnes and Noble the day after his birthday. I told him he didn’t have to that we could do something else or even save it for the following weekend. But he insisted we do it then. He gave me a budget which I thought I was doing pretty good following but once the total rang up it was way over budget. I offered to put some books back but he snapped and said it was okay. Walking through the store to leave, I offered once again to return some. He ignored me. When we got to the car I asked if he was mad. He said it didn’t matter that it was too late anyway and got in. I grabbed the bag and went right back and returned all but 3 books. When I got back into the car, I handed him the money and said I was sorry. He threw the money back at me and said I always do this shit. I cried the entire 45 minute drive home. When we got home I asked if he could go hang out with his brothers or something because I needed space. He screamed at me “seriously I’m the one in trouble here when it’s your fault” I spent the rest of the evening and night crying in the fetal position while my 3 year old daughter wiped my tears away and told me it was okay. He “apologized” for snapping through text but that was it. On Mother’s Day he made me do everything because the kids weren’t listening to him and were making everything difficult. He always uses the whole “they only want you” or “they only listen to you” excuse to get out of even the basic tasks like giving our oldest his antibiotics for his ear infection. When the kids were young, he was very hands on but as the kids got older and the longer I was a SAHM he got more incompetent. I feel like he resents me for them having a closer bond to me and punishes me by weaponizing his incompetence. He also gets jealous of the affection our four cats give me and tries sabotaging it. They don’t really like him because of how rough he is. He’s always saying it’s to put them in their place. Whenever they’re laying on me for too long he’ll come up and start aggressively patting them to irritate them so they get up and leave. I know a lot of his issues aren’t his fault and due to his shitty family and upbringing.
But my daughter consoling me made me realize that maybe it’s time to walk away and just coparent.

My family has always been of great minds. I hated it. Growing up and having to study day and night to try and live up to them was extremely exhausting when I couldn't care how things worked as long as I was happy. I gave up but somehow everything kept turning out to be true.
Over my lifetime I have become the Gorden Ramsey of the science world. Known for my temper and also for huge things like curing world hunger using play-doe and cancer with baby powder I got in a back street ally while drunk.
To get my family off my back I started making random ideas so they could see me as a failure and leave me alone but...they keep working. And soon people started to praise me. Fame has left me with nothing but more and more attention. So today I plan to make sure that everyone can just think I'm insane and leave me alone and not some king.
I chuckled like a kid who was opening a Christmas present as I heard the crowd of people chatting and talking loudly as I hid behind my stage in a grey tight suit that my sister had picked out. I sighed and was ready to walk out and make a fool out of myself but my brother stopped me.
" Jack... I just want you to know how proud I am of you. Dad would have loved to see you right now. "
I thought it was ironic because last night while chilling on the couch watching TV and eating chips I made this theory up. He dusted off my shoulders held them tight and looked me in the eyes taking in the moment.
" go give them hell man. "
He had a goofy smile just like Dad but spoke with confidence.
" you got it, man. "
I heard my name being called onto the stage and the uproar startled me for a second but I collected myself and headed out after giving him a nod just to entertain him.
The lights were blinding as I grabbed the mic and looked at the table in front of me with a small box with the ingredients I needed and a chalkboard behind me.
After I stood still for a minute the crowd died down. I had not told anyone what I was presenting so the whole world was watching without a clue of what I was doing this time.
"Hello everyone. Today I believe I have my most important presentation yet..."
The crowd grew silent and hung on every word. And I heard my voice around the room through the speakers.
" Today I have with me a box...and inside is spaghetti I had for breakfast. "
The crowd laughed thinking it was a joke
" shut up "
The crowd grew silent once more
"Behind me is a chalkboard and I will now present my new findings to all of you...I have found out how to make portals to other worlds. "
A man in the far back of the audience yelled bullshit in a heavy Indian accent but he was so far it was a faint sound for me. I smiled at that thinking I had finally found something that would make me lose my title and I could go ahead and live a life without people making me feel like an evil man for not helping others.
I opened the box got a handful of the noodles and threw them at the chalkboard. I then grabbed a paper towel on standby to clean myself.
The noodles hit the board and slowly moved and rested on a spot on the board. I made eye contact with my brother backstage and he had a look on his face showing he believed in me.
I spun the board dropping the noodles to the ground I then grabbed the chalk and drew around the sauce and noodles that stuck to the board then drew my attention to the others that had fallen on the floor and drew an outline of that.
After it finished I threw the chalk in the crowd violently hitting an old lady in the face.
" Quickly I want a show of hands who thinks I'm a crazy guy "
Everyone raised their hands and I laughed to myself
I then went behind the board and laid it horizontally. I grabbed a small knife in my pocket and poked my finger with it. The crimson blood fell and hit the chalk and then as more and more blood hit the chalk it started glowing.
" you have got to be joking. "
I said out loud as it started to spark an orange glow and it slowly grew color to the rest of the chalk in orange sparks.
Once the symbol was fully sparking with orange the sauce began to swell and move around in a counterclockwise manner. I stepped away from it in shock as small parts of the blood in my finger began to float to the parts where it fell on the floor I drew my outlines on and started sparking those as well.
It started to smoke and hiss as if lightning could whisper and the orange began to take shape and the sauce made a doorway. The parts that were not on the board began to grow ice around them and started to make designs on the floor circling me and the board. Suddenly it grew in size and a large booming voice was heard through the portal as I felt panic of people start to set in.
A huge claw came out and scrapped the sides of my table trying to crawl out from the world it had been trapped in. Cold winds hit me as they cut my skin and threw around my clothes. As I saw the table was now melting from its touch.
A slimy green claw with mucus like a face-hugger egg from the movie Alien carved through the floor and pulled the rest of its body out slowly. A beast stood at 12 feet tall adjusting to our world as goop grew and shaped its body as people screamed, ran, and stood frozen in fear.
As it looked around it locked its spider-like eyes and swerled around coming out from the portal and twisting and turning around the body as it made its way to its head finding a place to rest. It then locked its eyes with me and its jaw twisted slowly from an ant-like maw to mine and slowly shrunk and it soon took the shape of me and knelt on the floor and spoke to me.
" master. "
I stood in shock as everyone seemed to calm down and watched to see what I would do.
"...umm "My family has always been of great minds. I hated it. Growing up and having to study day and night to try and live up to them was extremely exhausting when I couldn't care how things worked as long as I was happy. I gave up but somehow everything kept turning out to be true.
Over my lifetime I have become the Gorden Ramsey of the science world. Known for my temper and also for huge things like curing world hunger using play-doe and cancer with baby powder I got in a back street ally while drunk.
To get my family off my back I started making random ideas so they could see me as a failure and leave me alone but...they keep working. And soon people started to praise me. Fame has left me with nothing but more and more attention. So today I plan to make sure that everyone can just think I'm insane and leave me alone and not some king.
I chuckled like a kid who was opening a Christmas present as I heard the crowd of people chatting and talking loudly as I hid behind my stage in a grey tight suit that my sister had picked out. I sighed and was ready to walk out and make a fool out of myself but my brother stopped me.
" Jack... I just want you to know how proud I am of you. Dad would have loved to see you right now. "
I thought it was ironic because last night while chilling on the couch watching TV and eating chips I made this theory up. He dusted off my shoulders held them tight and looked me in the eyes taking in the moment.
" go give them hell man. "
He had a goofy smile just like Dad but spoke with confidence.
" you got it, man. "
I heard my name being called onto the stage and the uproar startled me for a second but I collected myself and headed out after giving him a nod just to entertain him.
The lights were blinding as I grabbed the mic and looked at the table in front of me with a small box with the ingredients I needed and a chalkboard behind me.
After I stood still for a minute the crowd died down. I had not told anyone what I was presenting so the whole world was watching without a clue of what I was doing this time.
"Hello everyone. Today I believe I have my most important presentation yet..."
The crowd grew silent and hung on every word. And I heard my voice around the room through the speakers.
" Today I have with me a box...and inside is spaghetti I had breakfast. "
The crowd laughed thinking it was a joke
" shut up "
The crowd grew silent once more
"Behind me is a chalkboard and I will now present my new findings to all of you...I have found out how to make portals to other worlds. "
A man in the far back of the audience yelled bullshit in a heavy Indian accent but he was so far it was a faint sound for me. I smiled at that thinking I had finally found something that would make me lose my title and I could go ahead and live a life without people making me feel like an evil man for not helping others.
I opened the box got a handful of the noodles and threw them at the chalkboard. I then grabbed a paper towel on standby to clean myself.
The noodles hit the board and slowly moved and rested on a spot on the board. I made eye contact with my brother backstage and he had a look on his face showing he believed in me.
I spun the board dropping the noodles to the ground I then grabbed the chalk and drew around the sauce and noodles that stuck to the board then drew my attention to the others that had fallen on the floor and drew an outline of that.
After it finished I threw the chalk in the crowd violently hitting an old lady in the face.
" Quickly I want a show of hands who thinks I'm a crazy guy "
Everyone raised their hands and I laughed to myself
I then went behind the board and laid it horizontally. I grabbed a small knife in my pocket and poked my finger with it. The crimson blood fell and hit the chalk and then as more and more blood hit the chalk it started glowing.
" you have got to be joking. "
I said out loud as it started to spark an orange glow and it slowly grew color to the rest of the chalk in orange sparks.
Once the symbol was fully sparking with orange the sauce began to swell and move around in a counterclockwise manner. I stepped away from it in shock as small parts of the blood in my finger began to float to the parts where it fell on the floor I drew my outlines on and started sparking those as well.
It started to smoke and hiss as if lightning could whisper and the orange began to take shape and the sauce made a doorway. The parts that were not on the board began to grow ice around them and started to make designs on the floor circling me and the board. Suddenly it grew in size and a large booming voice was heard through the portal as I felt panic of people start to set in.
A huge claw came out and scrapped the sides of my table trying to crawl out from the world it had been trapped in. Cold winds hit me as they cut my skin and threw around my clothes. As I saw the table was now melting from its touch.
A slimy green claw with mucus like a face-hugger egg from the movie Alien carved through the floor and pulled the rest of its body out slowly. A beast stood at 12 feet tall adjusting to our world as goop grew and shaped its body as people screamed, ran, and stood frozen in fear.
As it looked around it locked its spider-like eyes and swerled around coming out from the portal and twisting and turning around the body as it made its way to its head finding a place to rest. It then locked its eyes with me and its jaw twisted slowly from an ant-like maw to mine and slowly shrunk and it soon took the shape of me and knelt on the floor and spoke to me.
" master. "
I stood in shock as everyone seemed to calm down and watched to see what I would do.

"...umm "

Part two of the noodle demon.
Now that this creature knelt before me I realized that the room I was in was so terrible quietly you could hear everyone's ass get tight in anticipation of what would happen next.
" ...what...are you. "
I spoke carefully to the being that had taken the shape of myself. It still took my breath away and my throat was dry.
The beast was a deep green. The color mixed with shades of grey streaming from it. The longer I looked at it I could see it getting closer to what I looked like shaping itself.
From small flowing green tendrils to an arm they grew as they twisted and made bone then muscle and finally skin.
It locked eyes with me and it smiled deeply at me. As it formed the face finally.
" Your vassle. "
My eyes had not moved to the crowd at all but even though the lights hit the stage so hard it was enveloped in smoke.
The creature's eyes glowed as it answered brightly, not figuratively. This thing's eyes were glowing.
"To serve you, We are bound by blood magic. I am a reflection of your desires, Master, " it said, its voice now a whisper in my mind.
It began to stand up as my grey suit began to form on it and by the time it stood fully up it had copied what I looked like.
" let me explain everything. "
My body frozen in fear woke up with adrenaline as I blinked and a flash of green smoke covered my vision as he teleported right to me face to face.
Its body turned to smoke and went into the slits of my eyes. I felt visions follow me in my peripheral vision but surprisingly no pain followed power filled me and it felt like one hell of a drug.
My body and mind altered.
I was now in a very dark place with no walls or light except my reflection on the floor which waved like water.
I took a step back looking around and back to the reflection of me on the ground.
Soon the water rippled and my reflection fell through the floor like gravity was inverted. he flew upright and water fell off of him as he looked at me as he now stood straight ahead of me. He was just reflecting in the water but now eyed me down.
Collecting my nerves.
I begin to speak.
" what do you want..."
He was still in my form and stood perfectly straight. Now with water dripping from his...my hair.
Slight stubble with hair that hung down and my hazel eyes were not present within him but I was greeted with a swelling acidic green that doubled the size of my pupil.
" to serve you. "
He made no other movement than putting his hands behind his back like a soldier at ease.
I could not tell if it was lying or not.
" ...is that it? "
" I am the embodiment of your fear desires and brilliance. You have shaped me. Your desire for solitude birthed me. I will aid you in shaping the world how you see fit. Your reality becomes mine. "
There was a slight echo in the room as he spoke.
" wait...where are we "
I questioned haphazardly
" your mind. "
An awkward silence was in the air until I spoke
" so...am I just standing on the stage not making a sound? "
He gave me a concerned look.
" no...time has frozen outside for you. You may sleep here without having to in the real world so to others you look as if you never rest and you may think and plan what to do in battle here. For them, it will be about two seconds...Do...do you not have any knowledge of what I am? "
Suddenly I felt bad like I had encountered someone famous and I had no idea who they were. A slap in the face like a popular kid meeting someone who had never heard of them. Ego shattered.
" ok sorry no. I...don't go around reading about...monsters?"
I felt like was I saying the n-word of the demon realm not knowing if that word was offensive.
He folded his arms a little upset.
"Are you not a warrior? "
" well...no I...just watch TV and cook here and there- "
The demon cut me off
" weak. "
" excuse me? "
" look. I am an immortal being and after a while you get bored. So I'm sorry if I may be a little upset after being bonded with some nobody. "
I got quiet and I was a little annoyed that I was being roasted by some demon that I just met.
Its form wavers and eyes begin to open on its skin. Cheeks forhead etc.
"After being a god for so long it's fun to play with limitations. Makes things extremely exciting. "
" what do you mean by that? "
" look. You can only be so entertained by the same things. Life gets boring and now...you are going to help me with this. I get to have pure entertainment while you get every wish you could ever want. A mutual bond no? "
He then closed his eyes annoyed and the other eyes meshed back to his skin.
" though... the TV is not that interesting...life is what gets the blood pumping"
I felt the need to quickly change the topic
"Are there others like you? "
The room began to take shape very slowly as the water floor turned to wood and walls went around us.
" of course. You may meet them one day "
Confused and curious I pressed.
"Meet them? "
" yes. Summoning one of us is considered a threat to them. "
He spoke while opening and closing his newly found hand except backward.
" hm...no that don't look right "
I quickly responded
" Wait! How is doing that a threat! "
"Well, one doesn't just accidentally Summon one of us to suddenly get powers beyond human control. "
I thought back to how I summoned him by accident with some food I made.
" well...funny story but I summoned you using my breakfast..."
I had never regretted speaking so much as in that moment.
" What... "
Acid dripped from his words. Literally. His pupils split in half and his bottom jaw ripped open like an ant and curved giving sharpness to the bone.
"Please don't kill me. "
The room began to look like a cozy cabin with a fireplace and he slowly went back to normal.
" I would if I could. I've never felt so disrespected. We are bonded by your blood. If you die...I die. "
Suddenly I felt at ease by this new information.
Then a thought came to my mind
" ...God's can die? "
" you did hear me, right? "
The SAS from this guy was unneeded and I was starting to miss him being on his knees as weird as that sounds.
" so...all that power gone.... in an instant... "
" well...no actually God's powers don't just disappear they transfer to whoever killed them...wait...hold up."
He suddenly had an epiphany.
A smile grew on his face and he grabbed my shoulders
" you! You are going to help me kill the other gods! "
He sounded proud but I let him down.
" ha! No. "
" oh come on! Don't be like that. "
He did a pout.
"Look, man. I'm not killing gods for you. Just because you are bored. "
" hey...they might send people to kill you because you bonded with me. "
"What did I ever do to them? "
"They have a system to this stuff. They like to build and watch things play out. You're a problem. That can mess it up. So...they kill ya...to be honest, I don't know any other way to explain it, man. You know people normally just use my power to kill people and become a king and know this already. "
"This is outrageous. "
" bro. Look if you do this I will be able to get their powers and you will be able to do so much more than what I offer "
I tilted my head
" what can you do? Know what never mind. I will just talk to them and figure things out. "
He groaned and his form melted down sagging and it shot back up reforming
"Is there not anything that you want? Anything in the world? Gods don't put themselves in physical forms. They give people power and can make beings to hunt you. And if they care enough to come down themself. Ha, good luck."
I stopped and thought about it trying to weigh the options of pissing off higher beings.
Suddenly. I found something.
"Can you bring back the dead..."
He stopped confused.
" well...no "
" then I don't want anything "
" wait! "
He threw his arms out pleading
"I don't...but another God does..."
He crosses his arms smiling. He had left the question hanging letting me reconsider his offer.
I stopped and thought for a while before looking back up to him.
I let out a sigh and looked him in the eyes
" ok...you are going to help me get my father back. "
The demon smirked.

I want to start off by saying that I am aware that both Konami and Crypton Future Media are different companies with different businesses. The original intention behind my previous post was because I wanted it to be an empathy post where we could both share how we aren’t getting great things for 2024 this year, and possibly craft some theories of why this may be the case for one, or both companies if common problem and grounds could be found. That post was for people who love and know about DDR and Vocaloid.
For people who knew only about the DDR side, I apologize for having the post mainly one sided about Vocaloid at the very top. The reason for this was because, as I said in a comment on my previous post, I had been following the problems of the Miku Expo since day 1, and it got to the point where I could list many and possibly all the bad things off the top of my head.
DDR, meanwhile, I literally had 1 statement made, and I gave instructions to search up KAC 11th talk and you could find the video made by Dr. D Gaming on YouTube. I DID KNOW about what the content covered, but, because I had learned about it just yesterday, I would have had to sit down and type details on my post while rewatching the video because it’s not possible to instantly remember a near 30 minute video without repetitive watching for some people.
You can stop reading at this point because down below is the reason why I brought Vocaloid here. If you are still curious anyway, keep reading. I will also include DDR first this time unlike in my last post. It will be from memory without looking at the video again, but it’s better than nothing. Plus, you could always search for the video yourself to verify and get more information.
The reason why is because I was exploring the possibility that, possibly by coincidence, both Konami and Crypton Future Media did not like westerners, and they had pretty much gave the community watered down or no events at all.
For DDR KAC, such problems are:
You must know Japanese in order to be qualified for KAC because the final round will be in Japanese(this was shown and removed on their website as shown in the video. Note:It might have been a previous KAC year, but I’d have to go back and check)
You must pay for your own flight(literally had no problem flying overseas players from previous years)
iamchris4life along with 3 other people had their KAC entries called into question, and could be disqualified if not addressed. I imagine that they had very good and strong reasons, but was still turned down anyways. Konami even had the audacity to say to their face they appreciate and hope they continue to support them.
If you were disqualified from KAC ever, you’re never participating again.(That would pretty much narrow the event down to Japan only)
There was a KAC song that was region locked specifically to Japan
Various things here if I could remember them.
Last one I can remember. While not a problem, it’s an acknowledgment from the DDR champion of this year, HIBKI. They knew the technicalities is a bs reason to keep players outside of Japan from participating as kind of implied if you know the context behind his champion speech(seen in Dr. D Gaming’s 11th KAC DDR video)
For Vocaloid, a lot of things at the Expo went wrong. These things are:
Limited merchandise(100 glow sticks when literal thousands are coming to the concert)
No communication about the LED screen(It’s important to note that fans have pointed out that there is no difference between transparent glass screen and LED screen because it’s fine as long as the screen is integrated with the stage. When that happens, it can cause the same immersive effect that the Vocaloids are truly there and on stage.)
Unable to refund tickets(turned off by the organizer which would be Crypton).
Tickets for the Europe tour being released on the day of the concert, meaning, there was almost no way for Europe fans to know about the transparent glass screen switch before it was too late.
False advertising(the Vocaloids being projected on to the glass screen like years prior before this 10th anniversary)
The no glow stick rule other than the official ones by Crypton(this lead many to believe that the transparent glass screen + projection would be used, implying that it was not going to be an LED screen)
Crypton is not addressing the backlash until the NA tour ends, or possibly, until the Europe tour ends which would be the end of the year. If we assume we are getting a response at all(this could be a debatable problem. I can kind of see why they are waiting until the end of the tour)
As you can see, while these are very different events, and situations, it could come off as them hating westerners. Someone on my previous post had wrote an interesting theory that perhaps for Konami, there are 2 different management/team members. One goes for global expansion because they see potential. The other doesn’t want to take the risk creating mixed messages. Naturally, my reply would be that we had the team members who weren’t going for global expansion this year.
I also kept this insight in mind just in case if Crypton also has more than one management and is facing a similar problem.

I love the Ashlands and it's already become my favorite biome, because it actually feels challenging. That being said, there are a couple things I dislike and I'm really hoping that these are either addressed before or after the update goes live.
1- Drakkar is the worst ship in the game. It's slower than the Karve for some reason, if you try to use it for sailing to older biomes, you can go ahead and kiss an hour and half of your time goodbye. Even with tailwind it feels painfully slow. Also I love sailing through narrow or cluttered waters, but why am I forced to bring the Drakkar (a ship that is 2x wider than the Longship), to a boiling sea filled with tall, wide jagged rocks. This could've easily been mitigated if we just had a ceramic plated Karve, but no, bigger is better apparently. Drakkar looks cool, don't get me wrong, but in practice it just sucks. Instead of just making a smaller boat, they just removed more of the rocks which wasn't the problem to begin with, you're still going to hit those rocks with the Drakkar.

1. They kinda lied to us. They said this biome would have over 30+ new weapons and they said it would be the most weapon diverse biome yet. This is a half truth, there is only 12 (14 if you count shields) unique weapons in this biome, that 30+ number is completely bloated by the gem enchanting. You can enchant your sword 3 different ways sure but at the end of the day it's still a damn sword. No new knife, atgeir, battleaxe, buckler and of course, no new fist weapon. The problem of weapon gaps in this game is starting to get really annoying and they said in their walk and talk series that they wanted the Ashlands to accommodate ALL playstyles. We know this now to be not true.
   
2. As someone who uses magic, in the Mistlands, it felt really nice and balanced. It didn't overpower melee but it also didn't underperform when compared to melee. It felt good to use and it's raw power was balanced out by the fact that it was a new skill you had to level up. Now that I'm in the Ashlands my sword and magic skills are pretty equal, but I never really need to use my sword because of how op magic is now. In the Mistlands, the terrain prevented you from kiting the bugs all over the place, but in the Ashlands the terrain is far more flat and less bothersome to traverse, so you kite all you want. This allows you to deal insane amounts of damage while staying almost completely safe. The new Staff of the Wild is a symptom of this problem, you just throw 3+ down on the ground and kite all the melee enemies through the roots while you recover stamina/eitr. Don't get me started on Fader, he's completely trivial with magic, which leads me to my next point.
   
3. The difficulty of this biome seems to be aimed more towards melee players. Fader for example gives you barely any time to recover stamina, attack or heal. Lord reto is cheese for ranged, but will 2 shot you even if you have full level 3 flametal and 300+ health. Thankfully the Valkyrie at least comes down to the ground to attack you.
   
4. The fortresses, oh god the fortresses. I've been hyped to do "fortress time" for so long and now that it's here it just feels bitter-sweet. It's awesome to bring the battering ram up to the door and bust it down, but the actual combat there is pretty easy. Just destroy the spawners/Skuggs and kite the remaining dudes outside to finish them off. It also feels disappointing knowing that the original concept art for the fortresses showed them looking like castles, but the ones we get in game are just glorified boxes.
   

In conclusion, I just want to say I love this game and I love this update, but it still feels like it needs more content/time before releasing to the live branch. I highly doubt that will happen though and I bet they aren't going to do a whole lot with the Ashlands once it does go live :(. I pray to Odin that I am wrong. Thanks for reading.

There's a bad joke in Gnosis, it goes like this: "How do you know if the fox in front of you is a vulp?" The responder asks how, and the punchline is "Ask them. If they say yes, they're a vulp. If they say no, they're a sarcastic vulp.". It's a dumb joke, but there's a kernel of truth to it: Looking at a vulp that is currently quadripedal, nude and silent, one would need to inspect their paws to tell they're not an ordinary fox. The reason it's allegedly funny is all three of those are rarities on account of them being people and it's so unlikely you're ever going to be confused that there's supposedly humor in suggesting the hypothetical. (You'll note the words "allegedly" and "supposedly".) Nevertheless, there's a good reason these fox-people look so much like a real fox, and it's because they are a real fox. Let me explain.
This setting's Precursors (if the name didn't tip you off they're so long gone we don't know what they called themselves) felt the need to add "native" sophonts to every one of the four planets and nine moons they terraformed in this one star system, the inner worlds all got multiple, working with samples from some little blue backwater that forgot they were ever there and what little life was on each world to begin with just like they did for the rest of the ecosystem. In this case they literally just took red fox embryos from the aforementioned backwater planet, altered their genes to modify their anatomy and brains in particular so they could fill that role. Their hips are altered to support bipedal locomotion but don't look different externally when quadripedal and the biggest visible change was moving their tiny fifth digit on their forelimbs closer to the other toes (or I guess "fingers" now), elongating and turning it so it functions as an opposable thumb. Altering existing or extinct animals was how they made all their artificial sophonts, even the really weird ones like the dragons or those things from Lum with eleven heads, but by this point in the timeline they got lazy. They were already on worlds 6-13, they had to light up a brown dwarf as an artificial undersized star to make even eight out of its over two hundred moons habitable. All the creativity by this point in the project was going into "how", not "what" and the biology team was running low on ideas, so they didn't make any extraneous changes like they normally would. Fox, smart brain, paw hands, tweaked hips, boom, fox-person, done. Moon-planet of the fox-people, slap it on a plastic lunch box and get the spy drones set up so the tourists can covertly watch the fox tribes build their brand new fox civilization and fox culture until they have fox cities with fox art and fox fasion and form fox countries with fox governments and intercontinental fox trade networks that fight fox wars motivated entirely by the greed of individual foxes but presented to the poor foxes fighting them as moral crusades in the name of their fox gods and fox nations to preserve their fox values, fox traditions, fox beliefs and way of fox life.
My question is: What do you think of this approach to animal people? What do you think of them looking so much like the existing animal that you have to rely on them doing people things or detailed knowledge of their anatomy to tell they're not the regular animal they're based on?
Or, more bluntly, I think they're lazy and they're supposed to be lazy but are they too lazy or am I good?

Why did the farmer visit the pharmacy? To speak with the farm-assist.
Hi and welcome to my post! Wanted to start off with a funny to me dad joke.
Nice to meet you, I'm Dylan! To put it simple, I am a single 22 year old man who has been pretty lonely in life and lacking in female connection and interaction. And part of what comes with that is the desire to be intimate with a person. I am very mature for my age and will always be respectful of your boundaries and feelings, especially with anything sexual. Lately all I have is myself when it comes to sexual desires, so I would like to have someone to keep company with in that regard too.
I'm just relaxing at work since there's nothing really going on and thinking about going home tonight and burning a woodwick candle. Perfect for when there's a storm outside. I love candles! 🕯️ Sometimes a campfire outside on a fall night or a crackling WoodWick candle is a relaxing constant among our busy and hectic world. It's nice to just disconnect, feel grounded and happy in your own little cozy space. Feeling calm and collected and at peace. Something that fewer people take the time to do these days.
I am seeking a woman around my age or older to build a close connection with that could possibly lead to a relationship and something intimate which includes the possibility of teasing/sharing pics etc. but only when we were comfortable. Figured I would be open in my Intentions as that's the best way to be.
You:
Kind, respectful, and easy going.
Comfortable with the idea of eventually sharing intimate things together.
Willing to eventually move off of Reddit.
Want something genuine and fun!
Are honest in your intentions and a good person to be around!
That's about it, we will get along great I know it.
I've been feeling a little bummed out lately. I always try and stay happy and see the best in things. But.. I've just been so alone. Most of my whole childhood and adult years have been spent feeling lonely. I grew up surrounded by cornfields which was peaceful but also has a lonely aspect to it. My family never really were close and never did anything as a family really. And part of it too is the fact that I never had any neighbors my age to interact with. But aside from that, my adult life has been very lonely. I'm just always by myself. I barely have any meaningful adult relationships or experiences, or even any friends.
I work a 3-11 job in building maintenance at my company world headquarters building which I love, but again it's very lonely. I work the off shift so the building is always empty. I don't get normal social interaction with people my age or a chance to build relationships. I only have 3 older men as co-workers and we are mostly in the basement away from any people on the floors from knowing our existence. I always walk the floors and see office people laughing and chatting with their coworkers and I just don't have that kind of experience. And just.. no one knows I exist really. Everyone probably assumes I have a lot of friends, but I'm struggling inside with being so alone and trying to meet people and get past the "hi how are you?" "I'm good thanks" stage. Most people don't seem to want to talk beyond that. And most women are already in relationships and thus it would seem weird to approach them in an office setting trying to get to know them deeper. But man those "hi how are yous" are the only real interactions I get during my day.. so thus I decided to come here lol. Rant over, sorry! I promise I'm not a downer. 😅
Now for some things about me!
As you can tell, I am very mature for my age and am polite and have good grammar which unfortunately not everyone my age does anymore lol. I am not active at all on social media/internet culture really and don't know much about all the slang the younger people these days use. I feel like I'm 50. 🤣
I am left handed which is pretty cool. I'm not much of a party person or a drinker, I much prefer a quiet night at home and maybe a beer or two on a weekend but that's about it. I am simple and stay out of drama and trouble and don't get much into politics or other things that cause drama with people. I much prefer a relaxing campfire and a night at home and to just let the world keep on turning haha. I consider myself pretty intelligent and mature, especially for my age which is why I'm open to older ladies.
Physically I'm 180 pounds, have brown hair, green eyes, and a typical build. There's a few pictures on my profile.
Some of my hobbies are:
• Photography
I have a Nikon D200 and D5500 that I love to shoot with. I love nature scenes, abstract, black and white/goth kinda photography, sunsets, etc. it's so fun to just let your mind explore. It's not about what camera you have, but those who are behind the camera! I'm gonna try and photograph the northern lights tonight!
• Cooking and baking
I loveeee to cook and bake! I enjoy making various meals but also love to just have a frozen pizza once in awhile or something like that. I recently made homemade chili which turned out great. I love to bake, especially in the fall! I love pies, cakes, pastries, cookies, etc. I restored a vintage KitchenAid mixer that needed tbe gearbox rebuilt. Eventually I would love to practice home canning my own food.
• Music
Oh my gosh, I like so much!! Alternative rock, punk, post punk, electronic, synth pop, psychedelic rock, hard rock, etc. I am very non judgemental and open when it comes to music. My three current favorite bands are Type O Negative, Joy Division, and the Cure.
• Nature walks and camping
I really enjoy camping, making fires, and relaxing by a campfire. I love to take walks outside and just enjoy the beauty and simplicity of nature. It's wonderful, especially in a world so focused on everything digital.
• Repairing things
I'm a maintenance guy and one of my hobbies is electronics repair so I am good with my hands and just all around good at troubleshooting and fixing all sorts of things around the house. Last week I helped my elderly neighbor get his tractor started, it needed a new component in the starting circuit. So I'm pretty handy which... Comes in handy! 😂
• Autumn 🍁
This isn't a hobby per say, but man do I love the fall!!! It's my absolute favorite time of the year. Oh my gosh. The beautiful colors, crisp cool air, misty and foggy days, rain, lack of bugs, being cuddled up with a candle or by the fire drinking a tea, etc. I love it! There's only two seasons for me. Fall, and waiting for fall! Haha.
• Scented Candles and incense
Going along with my love for fall, I absolutely love candles! I have like 30 something lol. 😂 Currently my favorite are WoodWick, which are owned by Yankee candle. They have such a soothing crackle and the scents are great! I also love to burn incense from time to time as well. I have cottagecore hippie vibes.
• Old houses and architecture
I love old houses! Especially 1900s and Victorian era homes. Old homes have so much character to them and are just so beautiful from a time when people took pride in their craft. I strongly dislike the modern cookie cutter cheap construction of homes today. I would love to live in an old home one day. I also love their architecture and uniqueness, as well as architecture of old cathedrals and other buildings.
• Relaxing
Basic I know, but sometimes on the weekend I just love to get cozy in bed and relax and put on a YouTube video or an album! 😊
That's about it for me, I'm a pretty laid back and simple person. My ideal person is someone who is respectful and honest! I am very straightforward and open minded and would hope that you are as well.
If I seem interesting to you at all I would love to hear from you!
Thank you so much for reading.

So, you said Lord Nicholas has no personality, which is true lol, but since I'm the devil's advocate, I took that as a challenge. Make yourself comfortable for a long read. Have some popcorn.
Why is this guy more of a tragic character, rather than a villain? And how does a man lose identity, and becomes a monster through desperation? I'll answer this for you below.
• Throughout Plague Tale Innocence, there are various signs that although he is personally close to Vitalis (no use of titles or formalities when speaking to each other) he is the execution, and not the mastermind behind the plans. For example, when Hugo's Macula was to be tested, he urged Vitalis on to put an end to the plague already, they are not here to play games.
• In the very same chapter, we get a little insight on what he believes and thinks about the conflict between the Inquisition and the De Runes. He doesn't understand why Beatrice De Rune resists their persuasion for information regarding the Macula, since their goals are shared -> ending the Plague. Ultimately, he blindly believes Vitalis wants to control the Plague to save them. And he does anything, ANYTHING to make that happen.
Commit genocide against peasants, and in the end, even go as far as killing Hugo.
Now, let's take a little turn to make a background check for this guy. Or at least what is hinted, and what can be assumed with intuition and theories.
• Like I mentioned before, him and Vitalis are personally close, and in the preultimate chapter of Plague Tale: Innocence, after his death, guards talk about him in the city. They are confused why Vitalis hasn't sent anyone for his search (I'll get to that one later), since he was his Protégé. This alone in itself wouldn't mean anything, but right after that a guard added "Maybe he found himself another Protégé" regarding Hugo of course.
Since this game is about innocence and children, it's almost safe to assume that Nicholas likely got taken under Vitalis' wings just as Hugo was now in the present. That would explain why they are close, and why Nicholas blindly trusts his master. Another dialogue backs this up, between the Arch Bishop and Vitalis. "Puppets like you will kneel and beg me to save them." and look who appears and kneels right there and then? Lord Nicholas. This is my theory, I can back it up but it isn't 100% surely true of course. Take it with a pinch of salt please.
• Now, time to get to why Vitalis didn't send anyone after Nicholas' disappearance... We saw nothing of the two months Hugo spent in the Bastion, but based on the Cathedral's state, it's safe to assume things didn't go that well with controlling the Macula. The plan was to get Hugo through the threshold finally, so that the Conjuration can begin. (Note to self: another essay later about that one). Although they tried to push Hugo through with hurting his mother, it didn't work. Because of this, Vitalis tasked Nicholas with taking Hugo to his sister, to end her life. This is simple, but it doesn't stop here.
In the chapter Blood Ties (where we control Hugo), we already meet an impatient Nicholas who wants to put an end to the Plague. Not only that, but let me get to one crucial sentence told by Vitalis. "Nicholas... You cannot understand." This hints at the disagreements between the two, and that Nicholas is not indulged in how this should be done. Nicholas tries to help Vitalis up, but he rejects the help too. It's quite symbolic for the one-sided trust between the two. Due to this growing mistrust, and how Vitalis didn't expect Nicholas to come back after his mission later on, to me it seems like Vitalis cut the ties and sent him exactly to his death to get rid of him.
• Vitalis' plan was never to get rid of Hugo once they pass the threshold ("I have a lot to teach the Carrier, and his friends."), and knew well, that Nicholas has no chance against Hugo and Amicia with the rats alongside them. He sent the man who trusted him the most to his death, and with that also chose his ultimate protégé - Hugo. It's also likely that Nicholas' mistrust grew because his position in the hierarchy was compromised, since it's likely Vitalis got obsessed with Hugo, and Nicholas almost realized he is played with. There is also the idea, that Vitalis sent him away to actually save him from the white rats he meant to send on the crowd anyway. Anyway, Vitalis is for another essay...
• The betrayed, the sacrificed. Who is he? There is absolutely little we know of him, except for his title and occupation. What always speaks in Plague Tale: Innocence though, is the design. I mean look at that drip- sorry.. In "A Making of Plague Tale: Innocence" the creative developers mention the importance of faces, and overall pure, intuitive impressions we get of our characters.
• There is only one character whose face we never see, and that is Nicholas. That doesn't only play as a psychological trick to make him more terrifying, but also hints at certain points. First of all, his robes are Dominican. This is historically fitting (although there were no dominican knights) since Dominicans were those entrusted by the Church to handle trials against heresy and begin inquisitions. This also hints that he is very religious and dedicated to serving the (assumed) good. I know, no way. Let's not forget about how faded out it is, or bloody. In NO way he is a good guy, but a tragic believer? Likely. Under the robes is the armour, which is hit all around. It's no news we talk about a very experienced and efficient knight who also happens to be serving Vitalis (NOT the Church! Explained in another essay, chill.). Knights start their training at 7, and only nobles are in for the job, obviously. I made the connection, that since he likely knows Vitalis from his childhood, and his training also began when he was 7 years old, and his name was Nicholas...
Side note: In medieval times, children were named after Saints to inwoke their blessing, in this case, among many things, protecting children.
It's likely that he himself, just like those he hunts, was an orphan, perhaps even a sinner, who had to be saved by none else, than Vitalis. Give it a thought, maybe he was a lost little boy like Hugo, whose innocence was stolen way too early. With how Plague Tale likes to play with irony and parallels between characters, I don't see this as unlikely.
• All in all, he is what his occupation is, and nothing human. He is the machine that serves. The cross, the judgement. We cannot see his face, because he has no identity except what Vitalis gave him. His role, his title, his mission (perhaps even name). As it can be seen, Hugo too, was dressed in robes showing the Inquisition's sign, like a mark of ownership over him.
• From the very start of the story, he was the representative of that time's barbaric cruelty, unforgiving, misplaced judgement. And as though from the children's perspective he was a monster from the very beginning, how did it go down? As I said before, he has no identity except his committment, and through that his morals, ambitions are shown. At the very start, they ambushed the De Rune estate, and we CANNOT know, if the violance was planned beforehand or it came due to Robert's resistance.
People were taken hostage for questioning, the goal was to capture Hugo, the Carrier, and Beatrice, the only one who can help them understand the plague's origins. It was bloody, but after this chapter, you can hear guards clearly say "capture children" and not just Hugo. Now, unbelivably, I don't think he wanted Amicia bad at the start. They confront each other in the English camp for the second time (where he paid a ransom for both of them), where he tries to negotiate with her to give them Hugo and stop running. Later his methods change, telling the plain truth that there is nowehere for her to go out there (These methods of convincing show a lot of personality and insight especially in the boss fight).
Later on, it's mentioned Vitalis is going hard on him but "he is used to it". Again, their shared history is hinted. The hunt for Hugo is fruitless still, and the plague is spreading day-by-day.
Next we hear from him, is in the chapter where we visit the city with Amicia. Or rather, that he is not exactly participating in the mission killing the sick. Since him and Vitalis disagree with methods of solving the Plague, and he is occupied with catching Hugo, there is a possibility this order of slaughter was carried out without his consent. Though, this is a high take and it would be totally in character to do such a task in the means of self-preservation.
Amicia's visions of him from Penance is not reliable, but at the very same time she clearly dreamed what happened and it's likely she mixed reality with hallucinations from exhaust. If, the hallucinations were true, that means Hugo did hear Amicia, but Nicholas directly diverted his attention from her and led him away.
It's hard to speculate if he did this to let nature do its work, or to actually show mercy, which is equally possible, since it was clear from the beginning that even though she killed his men, he knew she is simply running and kills as a means to survive.
Now, as I explained earlier, many things go down when Hugo resides in the Bastion, and we can only guess what that causes. I mentioned Nicholas' growing distrust, now let me introduce you to the psychological denial he experiences during the boss fight, along with his reflections pointing at the children. The man, becoming the monster. The fire (another essay since fire in Plague Tale is symbolic) causing him to destroy himself.
In the chapter Remembrance he goes to the Château d'Ombrage along Hugo, to ensure the boy passes the threshold with killing his sister, with this enabling Vitalis to pass as well. At first, Nicholas is quite calm and confident, sending Hugo to kill her "Go, and do what has to be done.". Interestingly, despite this, he still has his sword prepared, which shows he still doesn't trust Hugo. Later on, he knocks Arthur out, but doesn't kill him senselessly, despite the fiasco at the English camp. He takes Amicia to Hugo, and now threatens him to kill her, or else he kills his mother in front of him. After that, he tells him, if Hugo does as he tells him so, maybe Vitalis keeps him by his side.
This could hint that only by accomplishments such as this, and proving devotion, can one remain important in Vitalis' eyes. Also, that maybe, Nicholas had to go through something similar, "She means nothing to you now".
Doubts and frantic impatience take hold, which ultimately lead him to take matters into his own hands. He decides to kill her, himself. As he pushes Hugo away, she calls him a bastard, which he then turns back at her, to question her morality and self-righteousness. She betrayed him, that is why he gave himself up. It can be perhaps far-fetched, but this also can count as self-reflection already. Betrayal -> causing giving up, which happens later to him too.
After Arthur "takes care of him" (not exactly...) and the siblings reunite, Nicholas wakes up and this time, immediately kills Arthur. The death is not just a shock value as many believe, it also shows the already progressing monster stepping forth, and losing humanity entirely.
The boss fight has three phases. His methods at provoking the children, and self-reflect change and become way more intense with time.
In the first phase, he tries to separate them and tells Amicia that he knows it must be difficult to live in the Carrier's shadow. Also, that they are terrified. He is poking at her most vulnerable place, their biggest fear, which's "face" is ultimately him. Also, reminding Amicia of her biggest desire, that is to be acknowledged by her parents. Especially this can count as self-reflective, since as I said earlier Nicholas likely noticed Hugo is slowly replacing him in Vitalis' eyes. The wish to excell, and be acknowledged for the devotion is a deep scar this character could carry. He also reminds them of how their father died, to remind them of honour, which Nicholas obviously has a twisted sense of.
In the second phase, his first voice line shows surprise and fear, and anger in response to those feelings. He is more reckless and aggressive too. Here, again, he manipulatively reminds them how little they can do, and threatens them. This is both calculated and instinctual, since he says such things to bring the children out of their hiding places, but at the very same time also because he is slowly losing himself. There are also lines which can be reflective to his beliefs and assumptions based on himself, such as: "Your sister won't be able to save you child.... You are alone." There were already connections made between how Vitalis saved him, and if one puts it all together, this line shows how he doesn't believe in the siblings' bond, because his own bond with Vitalis broke, and Nicholas is (alike to Hugo) alone. Or there is also the line "What do you think you can do? You are nothing. [...]" I wanted to highlight this line because Plague Tale (among many other things) is about the helplessness one faces trying to protect loved ones, and/or trying to rewrite their fates. The fact that Nicholas dehumanizes them entirely, shows he knows the fact one, them or him, cannot change the course that has been set, but he is still in denial trying to fight it (a lot like Amicia in Requiem, by the way. Also, fire (this is why that needs another essay....).
In the third phase, he becomes uncharacteristically reckless and desperate, where he succumbs to the wrath and, his fate. "Come to me, come into my arms my dear children." His sanity decreases and he knows death is unavoidable. The question left is whenever he can bring them down with himself or fails. And failure, is unacceptable. He is better dead, than failed. "I will teach you the meaning of sacrifice" this line shows that likely, he accepted his last quest knowing well he is going to die probably. That he rather burns himself, bring hell, than letting go. He keeps shouting the motto of his order, because that is the only thing that he clings to. It's pathetic and forced, inhumane. "[...] We'll die together" <-> "I will boil your blood until it spurts from your eyes", "You are going to pay, [...]" by this time, he keeps switching tactics at approaching and luring them out, frantic and monstrous. His words mean nothing by this time and desperation takes hold. What line of him is the purest, rawest, and most honest, between all the threads and claims, self-convincing attempts to maintain devoted is this: "The pain... To feel oneself alive... And deliver death." This line might seem like one among the many terrible threats, but it in fact shows his deepest belief. That is, of pain and life. Sacrifice and death. That those who live, have to kill, and that is what it means to exist in this world.
• In Plague Tale Innocence and Requiem, we see Amicia's development into a murderer who follows similarly blind committments.
She ultimately becomes, what she condemned, and what caused her great misery. What, in the end, she herself becomes if Hugo doesn't lead her on the right path. A monster.
So, to sum it all up, Lord Nicholas represents the human being of that time, whose identity is what he serves, and nothing else.
It makes one selfless, righteous, but at what cost? Violence spreads from one person to another, while everyone tries to save what is precious to them. Hope this helped seeing him as more human and with more personality. Cheers. A few more points I couldn't exactly integrate are the following:
• A few things showing the underlying morality and plain intentions: at first he tried to negotiate with both Robert, Amicia, and Beatrice as well. He condones stealing entirely. He doesn't kill Arthur at first.
• In the concept art he is left handed. In Middle Ages, left handed people were considered sinful, since it was the "devil's hand". This added with the self-punishing- self-destructive-Catholic mindset, added with his devotion, signs that he is penitent, and does what he should for a greater good, a salvation, and carries the burden of "sacrifice".

I am neha ( 26 f ) , I am here to vent and get some suggestions or maybe even a real friend . This is a story of how I ruined my love life and destroyed the man who meant everything to me . We grew up in Coimbatore , i first met my boyfriend when I was in 11th grade , I actually saw him in a video , it was a Facebook video made by his friends , one of his friend proposed a girl , so they made a video of it , he was there in it too . He is tall , above 6ft , he looked ok , normal , a bit weird too with his specs and curl hair . He didn’t stand out , after few days I saw in a local chat place , he was with his friend , all sweaty , they came from gym . I recognised him immediately though. I saw him sneakily , idk why , after going home I sent him a request to his Insta . We started talking the same night , he said he saw me too , we connected way too fast , he was very funny and practical, we became best friends very soon , we almost spoke daily , in that following year we became so close, there wasn’t anything sexual , we just talk about our day and our lives daily , then he got into a relationship with a girl , I liked her too , life was so easy and fun back then , after we got into college , I Started to date a guy in my college , but we didn’t stop talking , nothing changed between us , after going to college we started getting drunk and smoking up , it was all new and we all did it almost everyday in first year , it was pretty fun . The guy I was with that time , didn’t really smoke up that much , he got drunk but he didn’t smoke pot that much , but the rest of us gathered everyday to smoke pot and play carrom . We both even meet at night to just smoke up and listen to music . At the end of the first year , one day he called me one evening and told me that he wanted to meet me , he sounded very low , I was with my my boyfriend and his friends that time but I left there immediately,booked an auto and Met him at a usual place near an IT park , we drink coffee and smoke cigarettes there usually.he was already there when I went in , he saw me and smiled but that looked very sad , he told me that his girlfriend kissed someone , a distant cousin of her actually , she kissed him in a moment and texted her girlfriend about it , she mentioned that she regrets it very much , I can’t stand it , I don’t know what to do , I feel nauseous, stuff like that . He showed the screenshots , he didn’t talk much he just smiled but that killed me . I was so angry on her , I didn’t even know what to do to make him feel better at that moment, I said she is not worth it , don’t worry , things like that . He didn’t talk about it after that , he changed the topic and he just sat there for 30-40 mins just smoking thinking about something. We speak almost daily and I know everything about him , he told me when they first had sex , we speak about everything, just not anything sexual to each other , when I saw him like this , I was feeling only rage , I was so angry on her , I don’t understand why she kissed some other guy , after getting into that relationship he was very loyal , I know how loyal he was , he even got a tattoo of her initials , but when he knew about this kiss , it made him so sad I guess . After 2 hours , we went home . I called her as soon as I went home , i scolded her so much , she started crying and told me that it was a mistake, she sounded very regretful too , she cried so much , I couldn’t bring myself to be mean after that .but that night i couldn’t sleep , my ex called me all night but I didn’t pick his call , I kept texting him , we used to text in Snapchat daily , I kept sending him texts and he texted me back to , he said he is going to get drunk and pass out , I also felt that’s better , after some days she even cut her hand , like scratches with knife on wrists , she was very regretful too , then somehow they didn’t break up , he wanted to after that but she didn’t let him , but gradually it got ok , but after this we started to speak and meet more frequently than before , I started to drop him in my college , both of our colleges are in same road , we started going in one vehicle daily. Mostly I drove , we speak all the time about nothing , even when we were going on my scooty , we just make fun of people in road , we laughed , had fun . One day he even pressed my breasts accidentally, side of my breast . I started neglecting my ex , that guy I dated that time , after few months , people started to notice , but still we didn’t care . (I actually come off from a well doing family , my family has enough money but my parents have a very unsuccessful marriage, they don’t even speak to each other , I have a younger sister and elder sister . My elder sister is married , my younger sister difference is 3 years . My parents doesn’t speak to each other , my mom openly says that they are together only for the kids . ) I loved being with him , he made me feel safe , comfortable and it’s always warm when I’m with him . We smoked pot all the time though , it was so fun , we even bunked college went to room and just smoked pot and watched anime all day . One day my ex boyfriend and his friends were in Ooty and they wanted me to come , I said I’ll come with him , I can’t come alone , and I asked him to come . We rolled some joints and started to go in his bike , we went a beautiful ride , stopped and smoked up in between, after we reached there I went with my ex boyfriend. We all smoked up that night got drunk , he usually doesn’t talk that much , but all of us were drunk and it was chill , some of my friends like him some don’t , but it’s all chill . We stayed in a tent stay there , that night I was with my ex , he wanted to make out , we kissed and did some stuff but I just felt restless and distracted, I kept thinking about him and my ex was a drunk too , it didn’t turn me on , after some time he passed out . I went out and went to his tent to see him if he is asleep , but he wasn’t there , then I started to look for him and I found him near the fire place , he was smoking up there alone with a phone in his hand , he was just singing this song 7 years by Lucas I think , he was singing along with a joint in his hand , he saw me coming , smiled but he didn’t stop singing, I can see him feeling even little embarrassed, but he looked so happy and free . I sat down there started to smoke up with him . After sometime I asked him why haven’t even kissed even once , I just asked him in a fun way but he got all serious all of a sudden , he saw me straight in the eyes and told me that he would love to kiss me , I literally felt butterflies in my lower tummy , my hips felt all tight too , idk , I still remember everything though . I kissed him in an instant, I kinda rushed in and kissed him, it felt magical . We kissed for a long time , we just kissed , nothing else . But I loved it , after sometime we separated, he saw me smiled and said I tasted sweet and bitter with weed taste . But my heart was beating so fast that time , I wanted to make out with him right there , I’ve felt horny before but he was the only guy made me feel like this , I tried to kiss him again but he stopped me and told me im drunk and asked me to go sleep . Next morning they asked me to go with them but my mind was fully on that kiss , I came back to cbe in his bike , we didn’t talk anything for the first time I just hugged him on the way back , it was nice too . I thought about plans to break up with my ex , after he dropped me home I kept thinking about the kiss , things got normal after a few days , we were like before but we started to flirt a bit , I started to call him baby and it gradually became very intimate . One day in a movie I kissed him again and he kissed me back too , we started making out bit by bit , it developed into a place where he started to grope me while im driving , I enjoyed every bit of that , I broke up with that guy I was with but he was still with that girl . Around final year first semester end they broke up too . We had intercourse the next day , it was amazing , I loved everything about him and the best thing is he is my best friend too . We rented a place for us by college end , we had sex every single day , it was the best , I loved staying with him . After this there was covid and we had to stay in our place , for one whole year I lived with him happily, he never let me down even once , he was already very caring from beginning but after we got committed , he really did treated me like a princess . He didn’t speak much but his actions were most considerate , we both worked remotely and having the time of our life , two years went by , I was happy and fullfilled , at the end of third year he quit his job and tried to get a different better job with extra good pay , 3 months passed by , one day few friends of mine from my work visited our place , they told me about opportunity to work in chennai for a month , I took it and went to chennai for a month , he dropped me to bus and sent me off to chennai . We spoke daily but not that much , I went out with my friends daily got drunk , just having fun . Some of my friends think my boyfriend is beneath me , one even said that I deserve better , she said he didn’t even get a job in three months joked and asked me whether I am the one who’s paying rent , actually he never asked me rent or money , he always paid for everything , but that time when they were joking I didn’t defend him , I still couldn’t believe that I didn’t say anything . In that week I met a guy , he came with my friends , he flirted with me when I was there , after I went back to PG I got a text from this guy , he got my number from my friends it seems . After some texts I responded and we started texting ,i liked the attention I think idk , I was talking to my boyfriend daily too , but somehow he noticed that I am not ok , he asked me about it and I said it was work issue and I am tired , 3^rd weekend I met that guy alone , he wanted to have a drink and I went , I slept with him that night , to be honest the sex wasn’t good , when he got inside me I felt darkness , I swear . Idk why I did it , after sex that guy slept in a second , I saw him lying down and I felt like killing myself , I left to my pg in midnight , I booked a cab and went back . I saw my snap notifications from him but I couldn’t open it , I blocked that guy’s number , I went to pg , cried myself to sleep . Next morning I spoke to my boyfriend , told him that I got cold and resting today , he told me that he got a job as a business manager for a US IT firm , he sounded so happy and told me that he called yesterday night to tell me this . I was crying so hard when he was on the phone , at that moment I swear I even fogot the face of that I slept with , he asked me to get rest and I hung up . I couldn’t talk to him , I felt so guilty and ashamed , as I was thinking this I get a notification my swiggy that he placed order to my pg , he bought soup . I broke down , it was like everything is telling me how big mistake I made , suddenly my thought went to that day he told me about his ex’s kiss , I can see that sad smile . I decided not to tell him and love him more and more , he had his birthday in 15 days I wanted to do something for him . When I came back from chennai , he picked me , he was so happy to see me , he spoke about his new job to me on the way , he was like a child , maybe cause he missed me for a month , I can see that he is so happy like silly child just to see me , after going home I had sex with him , I even rimmed him and I kinda liked it , it was the best sex we had , I felt alive and also very guilty . I treated him better and better to ease my guilt , but this made him very happy , I arranged a small party with my sister ,his friends and my mom .the day before his birthday we got drunk he asked me why I am not being adamant like before , ‘enna kadhal ha ‘ (joking sayin I am so in love) he joked about how afetr five years we can get super rich and start a family , I melted hearing all this .i promised myself that I will never let him down . but ha ha This is why I think karma is a bitch , at the noon of his birthday I got a text from that guy saying that he is thinking about that night . He heard the notification took the phone to pass it to me , he just saw the phone simply , just a glance and he just stopped and opened the text , I was blowing up balloons opposite of him , I saw his face and my heart sank , he came closer and gave me the phone , he didn’t speak anything , I opened my phone in a panic , saw the text and I saw him , he asked me ‘ so you slept with some guy ? ‘ , I didn’t reply , my whole mind got blank , I felt like I was gonna faint , he just saw me and said why . Of all these years I knew him I never saw him cry , but now his voice was shaking , he just asked me ‘ yen ‘ (why in tamil) . I saw tears on his eyes , I can see his eyes becoming lifeless in a matter of minutes , I tried to hug him but he just moved away , no matter how much we fight , when I hug him , he gets all cute and lovely , but he just moved away in an instinct . He then came forward hugged me tightly , he said ‘ sorry ‘ . I still don’t know why he said sorry , but that sounded so weak to me , he is my everything and I hurt him , I know everything about him and I still fucked up . He hugged me for some more time , I knew this warmth might be the last thing . After few mins , he rubbed his eyes in my dress , saw me smiled the same way . But it felt more like he is laughing at himself , I watched my 6 ft man walking out of the room , I just stood there alone , and I felt very cold , I remember that cold everyday , evening people came for the party and he got ready and cut the cake , fed me the first piece , my mom and sister was there too , he behaved very good , spoke with my family , but I can see that he is broke , but he still made it through the night , I went to speak with him that night , but he said he can’t . he said ‘ please I can’t ‘ . I choked hearing his voice , he went to terrace , I didn’t sleep at all that night , I walked around our little one bhk apartment , I smoked two packs of cigs that night , I went to check on him in the terrace by 4 , he was sleeping there on the floor , he hugs himself in sleep and its so cold , I cried watching him , just one day ago he was being silly like a kid talking about future family , now he is there alone , heartbroken . Morning usually he makes coffee and rolls one , I made coffee and rolled one , waited for him to come down . He came down saw me and smiled , but its not the cheerful smile , it just hurt so bad watching him like that , he drank the coffee , smoked up with me , even told me its good. Then he got ready , I cooked but he said he can’t eat , he is not hungry , that morning was so silent , he cheers up with he sees me , he was my biggest fan , now he left home with just saying bye . I got a text from him that aftrn asking me to move back to my mom’s if possible , I was dead . I couldn’t say no , I hurt him , he didn’t even scold me , he even requested me , I can only say yes . I asked him that I want to stay one more night , he said ok like always . That night I asked him to cuddle with me , he said ok , he wanted that too it seems , we just hugged in silent , he slept off quickly , he always told me that when I sleep with him it makes him stressfree and he gets a good night sleep . He was asleep on my breasts , I saw him sleeping and I couldn’t stop my tears , realising that this is the last time , I made a stupid mistake , but everything felt unimportant now , I saw him sleeping and I kissed him on his cheek , must have whispered sorry a 100 times , our four years relationship came through my mind , I realize that he made sure I was happy in every way he knew , I proposed him , I made him fall for me , now I broke his heart . I didb’t sleep that night too , morning I dozed off , when I woke up he wasn’t there, he made juice for me and left for work . I packed some of my stuff and went to my mom’s . when I stepped out of our little home , I broke down and cried . I went home and cried , I told my mom we fought , but my sister knew something was up , she tried to ask him but he said it was a small fight , I confessed to her that night , I still remember seeing her confused look , she is a gen z kid , but even she gave me a look of confusion , she didn’t understand how I could do that , she liked my boyfriend very much , she was almost proud of him . But when she knew I cheated on him , she felt disgusted I think . Our sister bind kind of broke too that night . My life was dull , I missed him every second , I missed talking to him , I missed his smell , everything . I just focused on work , two months went by with no contact . I saw him near IT park at our spot one day, he looked like he was sick , he lost weight , his eyes are dry , he looked so pale . I saw him from a distance and I couldn’t believe my eyes , my baby looked so weak and sick , he was having a coffe and smoking a cig alone at the place we used to sit . My eyes teared up watching him , he looked so lonely . None of my friends knew we broke up because I cheated , he specifically asked me not to say anything to anyone . I didn’t speak to him that day , I couldn’t . I was full with guilt . After going home I called his friends and asked how he was and they said that they lost all contact with him and he is ghosting everybody . I broke him and also made him alone , I seriously considered killing myself but I was a coward . After a month , when I was in office , my mom got a diabities issue and fainted , my sister called him in a hurry , he came immediatiely and admitted mom in hospital , when I came there I saw him with a plastic cover with insulins for my mom . After my elder siter came , he left , he asked me to call with updates . Before leaving he asked me why I cheated , he said “ is it because I am not satisfying you “ or “ you wanted a emotial support “. when he said that , I just stood there , I can see his face , hiding a humiliation , I never had a sex issue with him , I loved being with him , but my baby asked me this , I felt ashamed . I couldn’t face him , I just stood there , he said never mind and left . I stood there seeing him leave ,but I didn’t give up , I started texting and snapping so much and somehow I made him talk to me normally , but his eyes has lost its color, he looks like he is tired of everything . After few days we both got drunk and alone , I kissed him as soon as I got the chance , he kissed me back too , usually when he kisses , he hold me ears , looks me in the eyes and kiss me , he did the same out of the habit , as soon as our eyes locked , he bursted out in tears , I truly felt how much this man loved me and how much I hurt him , he wanted to do more but he stopped himself , when he burst into tears, my heart completely broke , I hate myself so much , I hate my friends for fucking up my mind , I hate that guy . My man is gettting punished for giving everything to me , its been a year , he changed , he looks lean , unhealthy , I even think his hair is falling , almost like a zombie . I would glady kill myself for him , I just want him to be happy , I destroyed the only person I love , I see how devastating this can get for him, he looks so weak , I can’r accept it . I should’ve defended him when they joked about him . Its all my fault , its been a year and I still can;t go back to him , I can’t imagine another guy to raise my kids , I want him . Help me .

Hello, I have been to Japan 1 time around 5 years ago before Covid. I spent the full time in Tokyo with the exception of one night around Mt. Fuji. I will be traveling with a friend this month, we are both Male and it is his first time. Most of my questions are regarding Kyoto, specifically how to get around. We are considering getting bicycles to ride to each location we would like to visit but google maps says its around 20 miles. We are both very fit and cycle often but since we are unsure of what the weather will be and how getting around on a bike is, we are not sure if its the best idea. Possibly may have to drop something to see in Kyoto, or push one thing to the evening prior or next morning instead. Please let me know your thoughts on the entire itinerary as well as my concerns regarding Kyoto. Also the only thing we dont have booked is both Shinkansen rides and ways too and from HND. Should we book them now?
23rd - Thursday - Land in Tokyo (HND) at 4pm. Scan QR code for eSim (need to figure out still). Exchange money. (Figure out best way to get from HND to Shinjuku, currently looking at Limo Bus). Check into AirBnB(in Shinjuku). Wander around close to home for the night and grab food.
24th - Friday - Head over to Ryogoku station, see the Sword Museum, then get to the Sumo Tournament around 1-2pm to catch the final two divisions. Probably head back to Shinjuku AirBnb and wander more around Kabukicho.
25th - Saturday - Go to Shibuya. Visit Meiji Jingu,Yoyogi Park, Nintendo Tokyo, Center Gai, Shibuya Scramble and possibly Shibuya Sky. (Considering Government Building instead / as well, maybe one in morning and other at night). Maybe Karaoke here or back near the AirBnB in Shinjuku.
26th - Sunday - Imperial Palace and the East Garden. Then to Akihabara where I will be spending a good amount of time wandering and shopping. Going to a bar in Shinjuku to watch the Monaco GP F1 Race at 10PM.
27th - Monday - Go to Nakano Broadway to do some shopping. Then go to Ikebukuro and Sunshine City, Pokemon Center and wander around.
28th - Tuesday - Take the already reserved Highway Bus at 9:45am (Shinjuku Expressway Bus Terminal) to Kawaguchiko Station (2 hours). Store luggage. Pick up our already reserved bikes at Kawaguchiko station at noon, bike to Chureito Pagoda, then Oishi Park, then around the rest of Lake Kawaguchi, Fujiomurosengen Shrine, then return the bikes. Check into AirBnB anytime after 4PM. Relax, enjoy the scenery of the lake and Mt. Fuji (fingers crossed).
29th - Wednesday - Take an already reserved Bus via Sekitori from Kawaguchiko Station (track no. 6) at 10:20am to Mishima Station North Gate (1 hour 30 min). Take the Shinkansen to Kyoto ( 2 hours 20 min). Maybe use a luggage locker to explore prior to checking into AirBnB (just south of Kyoto Imperial Palace) after 3pm. Go to Kyoto Imperial Palace and Garden or Nijo Castle. Wonder around for the rest of the day.
30th - Thursday - Need help getting to and from locations. Sights we would like to see during this day may be too busy? Should we move one of them to the evening prior or to the next morning? Kinkaku-ji, Arashiyama Bamboo Forest, Togetsukyo Bridge, Arashiyama Monkey Park. Then a section of Fushimi Inari and the section of Kiyomizu-dera and Higashiyama Ward.
31st - Friday - Visit any remaining spots if we chose to in Kyoto, take Shinkansen to Tokyo. Check into AirBnB. Go to Shinjuku Gyoen National Garden and Harajuku.
1st - Saturday - Early afternoon rent a car and go to Yokohama, visit Nissan Engine Museum and Nissan Gallery/Boutique. Then head to Diakoku Parking Area and hang out till it closes.
2nd - Sunday - Go to Senso-ji, Kaminarimon, then to Tokyo Sky Tree and Sky Tree Pokemon Center. If time left then go back to Asakusa to shop around Nakamise and Shin-Nakamise or open to suggestions.
3rd - Monday - Leaving this day open to decide what we want to do while we are there.
4th - Tuesday - Check out, head to the airport (Limo Bus?) (HND) for a 5:15pm flight.

we've been together just over 10 months. Over that time some odd things have happened which made me question my trust in her and I like her but have been slightly wary of her since. I've been staying with her at her apartment for the past couple months or so and lately nothing too weird has happened and she seemed to be much better overall. But she recently asked if I wanted to move in and I just felt like I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment at this point as I was still trying to regain her trust and wasn't fully over some of the stuff that happened, and so I ended things. She is completely heartbroken, says she's in love with me and wants me in her life. And I question whether I made the right choice and whether I overreacted to some of the stuff the has happened.
I wanted to write out all the situations but the post got way too long too quick. But one of the bigger incidents was once (before I was staying there consistently) we were texting throughout the day and then suddenly she stopped replying, And I didn't hear from her for the rest of the day. I tried again the next morning and then finally she replied that afternoon but it was a very short response that's very unlike her. Then that night she texted saying a guy had gotten stabbed outside of her apartment while trying to help her with something. So she brought him up to her apt and tended to his wounds and had him stay the night there (she says he stayed out on the couch). I didn't know what was going on and was a little bit angry as well and then she called me. She acted like it was no big deal but she could tell in my voice I was not in a good mood (I was trying to figure out what was happening) and she said I was being rude and hung up on me, and also said the guy had left.
She called again moments later (or I did I can't remember) and there was some guy talking in the background who I thought was one of her roommates but she said it was the guy. I said "I thought he left," she said "he came back." I didn't know what to say and then she's like "ooooh you got real quiet" in a mocking type way. The guy is super drunk and she's pretty drunk too I think. They were both being a little disrespectful to me and he mentioned how they played cards together the night before (something that was a thing her and I had started doing together recently which I really enjoyed) and they mentioned they were going to play a game this night too. He was telling jokes and in one of them mentioned the town and street I live on which was really weird. Also mentioned at one point that his son or sons came over as well (I think to check on him but also it sounded like they hung out for a bit too).
It seemed like he was going to stay the night again. I didn't know what to do but my instincts were going wild and while it was late and I had to go to work early and it's like a 35 min drive to where she lives, I said I was coming. We also facetimed and the dude was chilling laying back on her bed. I stayed on the phone the whole way there. Once I said I was coming she got a little quiet and the guy started acting nervous and at one point said "you didn't mention you had a boyfriend" (she says she did mention it) and "at least we didn't have sex". He kept saying he's got to go but she said stay and meet my boyfriend. I get there and they're in her room with beer cans and tobacco everywhere and then he leaves. She said to him "you can stay but we are taking the bed," (she may have said "room" but I'm pretty sure she said bed) which shouldn't that go unmentioned?? Once he was gone she's like "are you breaking up with me?" I wanted to in that moment but I pictured her just calling up that guy and having him come back if I did right then plus I was still in shock as to what just happened so said "no."
We talked a little about it in the following days and she knew I was not happy with what happened but we didn't have any huge in-depth discussion about it. Since that day she makes random comments here and there like "you're the only guy I want in my room," or "you're the only guy who would be anywhere near my bed" little comments like that in conversation.
There was a point where she was trying to get off of a certain medication, without a doctors help and was struggling with it big time and acting extra crazy due to it and I can't remember if this was during that time or not, but either way it's a bit messed up right? And even though she's been way better lately, I can't help but still be disgusted by this.
There are a few more incidents in the past I'd like to share but this one's probably the worst. And it's too bad because she seems to have changed for the better lately now that she's getting proper medication and whatnot from a doctor but not enough time has passed to where I have regained my trust on her and not think of incidents like this.

Throwaway account.
I (M 36) have been married to my wife (F 37) for 14 years. I have known her since I was eleven. We dated in high school, broke up, and found each other again in college. We have two wonderful children, 8 and 11. Grew up going to church in the US all our lives until the pandemic. I would say that I’m agnostic, for about a year now. Based on recent conversations, my wife feels similarly about her faith. My parents have in many ways treated me like I don’t exist unless I make the time to go visit them. I share that because it is adding to my current dilemma but I will get there later.
Prior to us getting back together while in college, she dated someone who emotionally, physically, and sexually abused her. Primarily it was emotional trauma, with him stealing her phone, telling her shouldn’t have any male friends, etc. Before this relationship, I would have described her as outgoing and extroverted. After the fact, it was clear she was deeply hurt by all of what happened to her. To this day, I don’t think she has processed the trauma and how it changed her and impacts her daily.
During college, we reconnected over the summer my junior year and it was clear we had chemistry despite both being very different from our high school selves. We dated and were engaged within 9 months and married in another nine. We have had a beautiful marriage. We only had sex 1-2x monthly since we got married but it never felt unusual; I have always believed that the abusive relationship altered her ability to want intimacy in that way. We are very close, snuggling, talking often, we spend much of our free time with each other and share many common interests in art, music, etc.
After our second child was born, it was a tough three years. My daughter rarely slept, not getting through the night until she was three and a half years old. During that time, my wife was burned by three different female friends in a short time frame. It felt like those two things almost broke her. But, after she got poison ivy one day and couldn’t get rid of it, she went to the doctor and got steroids. The insane amount of energy she had actually led to her becoming involved in and obsessed with triathlons. She transformed, physically and mentally over the next six months. I was extremely happy for her.
But, maybe seven months into this new her, I began to notice that her attention to her phone changed. She turned off messages from displaying in the front of the phone. We stopped having sex all together. It came to a head at the beach. I saw her dm’ing with a guy—a very successful graphic designer. My wife loves art and drawing so I wanted to assume it was that connection but for the first time in my marriage it felt like I was being lied to a lot. During this time she also acquired lingerie and toys that we never used together; I found them in the closet all the way in the back, hidden. We never had used that before in our marriage but she had also never felt sexy in the last ten years, especially for three since our kid was born so again I wanted to believe her. And honestly, she was glowing for the first time in a long time and is extremely beautiful. This situation evolved. I went in her phone. She had deleted everything everywhere. She was still talking to the guy from the summer on Instagram but the conversation was super innocuous and almost always just reels or sharing a post. We fought, she cried saying I violated her trust—I know how that looks. I restated that she lied to my face. We began sleeping in different rooms and things were not good.
Fast forward two months, I pulled phone records and found she had been messaging her ex from before our marriage for a week. I confronted her and she lied to my face and said she hadn’t been communicating with him. So I showed her the records and she for the first time in several months apologized to me and then began opening up. This guy was also the first person who really helped her recover her personhood after being abused. He holds a special place in her heart because of how he helped her. I actually do not think anything happened with him during our marriage ever. I won’t know though because she deleted everything. The way my wife reacted to me with the graphic designer indicated she was having some sort of emotional ptsd from her past trauma when I freaked out about it. She told me and her mom and her counselor (according to her) that nothing happened, emotionally or physically. The person was halfway across the country.
Now, at this point it is very obvious to me that everyone that reads this would only assume the worst. I get it. But my wife was abused and it deeply impacted her. Her father cheated on her mother and we only found out when he died (right before all this started). She deeply resented him for it and to this day speaks poorly of him for it. And I know that those things can seep into your psyche and you can find yourself doing the things you hate about your parents. But to summarize, I don’t know that anything happened. I know that she lost all her friends and was traumatized by our second kid. I know that she felt physically beautiful for the first time in years. I realize that could mean two things. Either this person meant something to her and it blossomed until I found it, or it is just something that all happened in the same time and the compounding complexity of prior abuse made it spiral down.
I went to counseling. She went to counseling. To this day she affirms that it was simply a connection around art and culture and nothing more. She says the toys and clothing was because she felt sexy for the first time in a long time and wanted to try them. I chose to believe her. But I never got to see her messages because everything was deleted. I never felt like I got closure. I chose to believe that she did nothing with this man and that he meant nothing. But the millions of coincidences still rattle my brain because I never got to see things and was asked to move forward. We reconnected meaningfully during Covid. I’ve never felt closer to her.
So why am I here? It popped up again in my brain lately and I cannot get away from the feeling that I didn’t get closure and I don’t know what to do. I can feel myself spiraling emotionally. I have had thoughts of killing myself. I won’t, though. I know I am loved and needed. I have only felt it maybe twice in my life and don’t suffer from depression. Mostly, I feel helpless and broken. I don’t have have any close friends other than my wife, which I know is also not good and I need to change it. I don’t believe in the god of the bible but haven’t told anyone other than my wife; it would be a big change for many who know me and so I am after I’d to really own it publicly but that is who I am, heart on my sleeve. And in the midst of all of that, I am feeling like I don’t know if I believe my wife from that five year ago incident. I feel super lost and it is suddenly making me feel like my marriage is going to end.
We’ve talked about it again lately and she seems hurt by me feeling that way but said it is ultimately her fault because for how she interacted with me during all of it. Recently she went and spent time with a couple friend and I later accused her of being there alone with the guy but she never was. I feel super distraught.
Just looking for help on how to get meaningful closure about five years ago and how to move forward, thanks.

My spouse and I have two boys, one age 12 and one aged 9.
My 12 year old son has had struggled with screen time since we first let him have access to a screen at age 2.
It's been ten years dealing with this so I could go on for ages about it, but here are a few highlights:

• We always tried to follow recommendations for screentime limitations when our kids were younger.
• When the kids were very little, my spouse felt that screens had a lot to offer in terms of helping the kids learn to read, code, and build other skills, which is why we originally introduced them.
• We have struggled with our older son having extreme tantrums and the inability to stop screentime from the very beginning.
• We have tried every recommended technique- such as giving warnings. To be honest, there is not a lot of good advice out there about how to deal with this. I spoke to my son's pediatrician about it last week and she said to give 1 minute and 5 minute warnings. I found this advice laughable- I've known that and have been doing it for ten years, and it does not work with him.
• The extreme issues with screen addiction in addition to other things I have noticed about my son have caused me to suspect that he may have Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) or some other issue. I have tried to get a formal diagnosis and have not been able to access care for that due to a lack of available mental health services. A secondary reason is that I do not believe my spouse supports me in seeking care for ASD. I have spoke to two friends who are experts in ASD who believe he may be on the spectrum. Also, my spouse has recently self-diagnosed with ASD which I think is relevant and will mention later.
• When my son was about 7 years old we took him to a few sessions with a mental health professional. It was not very helpful.
• Around this time my spouse got so frustrated with the tantrums when stopping screentime that they unplugged the television and removed it from our home. Shortly after that, we moved to a new house and neighborhood and did not take the tv with us. I would say that concerns about our son and his behavior were one of the primary reasons we moved.
• We moved with a 7 year old and a 5 year old and we did not allow any screen time at all for eight months.
• That is when the pandemic hit in 2020. The kids were sent home with iPads and told to do online school. My spouse and I both had to work at home with no childcare. They proceeded to need to use screens for school for the next 15 months. Over those 15 months and beyond, we gradually had screen back in our lives regularly. The tantrums came back. They included violent behavior, especially towards me and the little brother.
• We spent so much time trying to limit the screen and trying to encourage our older child to be interested in sports or other activities. When screens are on the table, nothing else is ever interesting to him.
• Over time the rules have become more lax. In my opinion it's often been my spouse that has allowed things to become more relaxed, although I'm sure my spouse would blame it on me. I think we're both at fault, mostly because we are just exhausted.
• Which bring us to today. My son is 12 years old.
  • He typically is allowed to play video games from 5pm to bedtime at 7:30 pm on weeknights. On weekends we try to hold him off for as long as possible but he sometimes starts as early as 2pm (sometimes even earlier) and then plays until 7:30 (bedtime).
  • He is happiest when playing games. He connects with his friends on there, he feels confident, he learns things about his interests including physics and history. He loves it.
  • I put the kids to bed at night. Every single night of our lives it remains a struggle to get him off the screens. Is it better than it has been in the past? Yes. But is it still a struggle? Yes.
  • He does not easily turn off screens for either my spouse or I, but he does it more easily for my spouse. I mentioned above that my spouse once confiscated the TV for 8 months. I believe that was a semi-traumatic experience for my son and it is burned into his brain when the tv was ripped out of the wall and removed while he screamed. In general, my spouse is more likely to raise their voice, be strict, etc. with the kids. My spouse used to yell more often and they try not to now. But they are still sometimes short with the kids. I have asked my kids why they listen to my spouse more than me and they tell me they are scared of my spouse.
  • I sometimes raise my voice with my kids. I try not to. If my spouse is in earshot when I raise my voice with the kids, they get very upset. My spouse had a violent household as a child and me raising my voice with the kids is a major trigger for them. It has definitely been a struggle for me for years to get my kids to listen to me. I blame the fact that I struggle with being consistent with them, paired with the fact that my spouse is triggered by me being strict with them. So I feel like I can't win.
  • So every night when it's time for screens to go off I am in a situation in which:
    • The 12 year old will do anything and everything to stay on that screen as long as they can.
    • My spouse is listening carefully from the other room, ready to judge and blame me if they are not happy with my approach.
    • My 9 year old is very sensitive to all of this anxiety coming from the rest of us, gets off their video game exactly on time, bounces around the room begging for attention from me.
  • So every night I try different things. Some of the most effective techniques are bribery, guilt, trying to pretend everything is cool and spark his interest in something else.
  • Sometimes I talk to my son for ages about it beforehand and he is mentally primed and then turns the game off on time. That takes a tremendous amount of prep for it to work.
  • This week, we had the doctors visit in which I brought up this issue and some related issues as I mentioned above that have had me thinking for years that he might have ASD. She did not respond to my question about whether we should look into ASD, but clearly blamed me for giving him more than an hour of screentime a day which is the recommended amount I guess.
  • So, feeling super guilty, and since my 12 year old was in the doctor's room and heard what she said, I have been trying to renew my efforts to get him to turn off the video game at 7:30, instead of allowing him to drag it out until 8.
    • My son did pretty well with this for several days this week.
    • When he did not do well, I unplugged his computer form the wall. I gave him plenty of warning that I would do this. (There was a time a few months ago when I unplugged the computer and removed the cord and my spouse lost their shit about that.) Lately, I just unplug the cord and then leave the room. My son then gets up and plugs the computer back in but does not resume the game. He gets upset but does not have a huge tantrum. So I thought it was a win!
    • UNTIL- this morning, after the kids left for school, my spouse LOST IT on me. Saying I should absolutely never unplug his computer, that it was ABUSIVE behavior. My spouse DEMANDED that I see a mental health professional. They DEMANDED it multiple times. They just lectured me, implied that I was doing things the way others in my family have and that its totally inappropriate. They said I shouldn't tell myself its ok because other people do it. It's not and I must seek treatment immediately.

I apologize for this being so long. It seems like a petty silly problem but as you can tell it's been an issue for us for many years and it is wrapped up in things such as my spouse's childhood trauma, my own childhood trauma about being yelled at and how it triggers me into a spiral of depression (I did not respond after they yelled at me this morning and have not spoken to them since. I've just been depressed and on the verge of tears all day.), possible undiagnosed ASD for my spouse and son, my own history of anxiety and clinical depression as well as my own self-diagnosed possible ADHD. But maybe I'm making it more complicated than it has to be. I don't know.
So what do you think...AITA for unplugging the computer?

I didn’t know that I’ve always felt a little lonely even though I enjoyed some beautiful solitude as an introvert, I never wanted to date, marry, or get involved in any sort of sexual relationships either. It felt complicated because of the relationships I’ve seen growing up. But a girl sneaked her way in subtly yet coercively, even thought I kept pushing her away. Brought me some distress of getting out of my comfort zone and made me learn how to adapt to change better. This distress soon converted to joy and belonging, as I noticed how it had brought me what I unknowingly craved. Growth and connection, a start of maintaining and expressing that. I was happy and alive again. She fell for me, but I only saw her as a close friend until later when I actually processed my emotions, I wasn’t as evolved as her I joked. We confessed to each other after some back and forth and misunderstandings. It hasn’t even been a month after my confession and I lost her to a tragic accident. Now I’ve lost a close friend, lover, and a someone I looked up to. I’m scared to be lonely. I feel misunderstood by everyone. We had so many plans, I was supposed to take her out on a date soon, we hadn’t done anything sexual yet but we talked about it and being a virgin I was scared yet excited as I finally could trust someone. I yearn for her presence, her touch, holding her hands, hugs, cuddles, and tiny pecks apart from her voice and adorable goofy gimmicks. (She would be laughing at me for being so dramatic and call me a grandma for using the word ‘yearn’ lol). My days started with her good mornings and ended with her good nights, we texted all the time, everyday for three years now. I miss her would be an understatement.
I need your guidance and help please,

1. I’m scared to be lonely again, but nothing is able is (and I don’t want it to either) replace her presence. I’m scared to rationalize it and forget her or feel it and go back to the depression, she with love and effort pulled me out of.
   
2. I’m not in the city we lived in and am staying with my parents for a bit, it feels like I’m a little better as we have no memories here but I still cry almost everyday. I’m scared to go back to our city but I need to graduate my undergrad.
   
3. Since we were in early stages could this be an attachment or was it love? What do I call us? We weren’t just close friends but we weren’t in a romantic relationship officially either.
   
4. Why is the universe so cruel? I miss my previous self, will I ever escape this sadness and hurt? Why must I go through this loneliness, am I doomed for it? She made my life alive and now she’s the one who’s is dead. I wanted to love her after all that she had been through. Now I can’t even remember her without feeling this hurt in my heart.
   

I have traveled a bit lately and have gotten behind on my thank you post, my deepest apologies, I know how it feels to send something out and not know if it ever got to its destination!
I deeply love this sub and am still amazed at how talented, kind and awesome you all are.
u/_pickupthepieces thanks for the Owl card and exchanging happy mail with me. Yes this week we have had plenty of sunshine!! Although temps are still yo-yoing.
u/amyt13 thank you so much for the Madeira postcard. Sounds like you had an amazing time there. I took my family there for New Year's Eve one year. I book a excursion on a boat with drinks and snacks, I few minutes before midnight they sail out in to the harbor. The fireworks display was truly AMAZING, they were going off in sync 360 degrees all around the boat.
u/articfox_12 thank you for the handmade postcard. Very clever idea to laminate and send. We did and will have a wonderful vacation. I like to travel about every month from March to Nov...
u/babyraspberry x 2 thank you for the Spring mail postcard and all the spring themed ephemera, good for you for taking Mable out for so many walks. I bet she loves it. Thank you too for the Munro's Books postcard, I love the Carl Sagan book quote. I really want to visit Vancouver Island, I hear their gardens are stunning!
u/cake-at-midnight thank you for the thank you postcard, I am glad you liked the birthday card I made for you :) I love my Cricut, I don't use it nearly as much as I should. You can create some amazing things with it!
u/cassius1213 thank you very much for the Awesome Eclipse postmarked postcard. Love that they actually created a specific postmark for the total eclipse.
u/DanerysWon lol love the ballerina hippo postcard, thanks so much, sounds like you had an amazing time at Disney. What a fun place to honeymoon too!
u/DaniGeek what a beautiful hummingbird card you found for me on your treasure hunt! And so fitting as I just saw my first hummingbird yesterday, finally!! Thanks for your book recommendations, it just so happens that I have not read Life of Pi but I just got tickets to see the theater production! I am trying to decide if I should read the book or watch the movie before I see the play. Thoughts? Redwall is a series I read with my son years ago. and the Dresden files is something my son also recently suggested.
u/doughe29 thank you for the Holland MI tulip card. I went to the tulip festival a few years back, very lovely. Yes, Cincy Zoo has a wonderful display of tulips, do come one year. It also has a great Holiday light display in Nov/Dec that is worth seeing.
u/duygusu thank you for the sparkly Awesome thank you card. I am glad you liked the card I sent, wishing you a quick settling in process. Thanks too for the pretty pansy sticker.
u/ez330 thank you for the Ohio Eclipse postcard. Did you not get to see it? We drove up to Dayton to the Air Museum and the clouds parted at just the right time for us to enjoy the majority of the eclipse. Love all the cool space themed stamps you used.
u/Ginger_ninjah thank you for the sunflower mini card and all the fun stickers. Sounds like you have been busy, still loving your Ninja food processor? LOL still shredding cheese?
u/HexagonalRainbow x 2 Thank you for the Legoland postcard. I could see how it would be really easy to spend way more money than intended at the Brick Factory. And a outlet store too - yikes! How many things have you built with what you bought though? I bet a ton of cool things. Secondly, thanks for the Mount Fuji postcard, very pretty! How did you qualification go for work?
u/keqani thanks for the Krieg postcard, love all the cute stickers you adorned the postcard with!
u/libertyprogrammer x 3 thank you for the Cincy OH postcard. Hmmm Leicester UK in 2044? Not sure I would make plans that far ahead lol. Thank you for the Houses of Parliament postcard, I walked around that area so often, I will respond to your update soon. Believe it or not I just today got your postcard you sent from Kruger National Park! It is dated Dec 20th. Can't believe it took so long to find its way to me. Awesome that you saw so many amazing animals!!
u/Mediocre_Radish_7216 thanks for the wonderful and cute snail mail postcard. You should do a scavenger hunt sometime, I had so much fun with it.
u/melhen16 Thank you for the National Postcard Week rainbow postcard, and thanks for the history lesson on the birth of the postcard, wonder what John Charlton would think about the industry he started?!
u/Mysteryvus x 2 thank you for the beautiful lemon thank you card, it is really very pretty. I am glad you liked the bday card I made as I thought about the things you mentioned you liked. Thanks to for the travel postcard, I really do like to travel. I am calling the travel agent my friend used tomorrow to start the planning of our Australia/NZ trip :) wish me luck!
u/ninayjang thank you for the Rome postcard, I love those art type postcards. I will tell you more about my NM trip soon.
u/PinkPengin thank you for the birds and penguin upcycle postcard. Good to hear from you my friend. I too have a pile of things I am supposed to finish up......I keep getting distracted with making travel plans, people visiting, or one of many other things that grabs my attention.
u/princecowboy thank you for the pen and ink dog face postcard. You were absolutely right, by the time I got this you had made it to your 100 flair - Congrats again. And by now you have received my 100 flair congrats card LOL.
u/purpleroots thank you for the CRAVE postcard with all your doodles :)
u/raspberrypoppyseed thank you for the awesome Disney Gang postcard. Did you have an amazing visit? Did you see any of the parades? They are one of my favorite things to do there.
u/rennbrig thank you for the beautiful artwork postcard of "Shaw Island Meadow" it really is so pretty, so glad you reached your sending goal :)
u/TheFeistyFox thank you so much for my sticker bomb scavenger birthday card, it was fun getting something to stretch my bday celebration this far :) thanks for the washi samples too, love the watermelon!!
u/TyeDyeAmish thank you for the bull fighting postcard, I would have to agree, the bulls probably don't like it! It is not something that I would want to see. I have heard how they are done and I just don't think I could watch it.
u/zenshark33 x 2 thank you for the Happy Spring orange flowers postcard, I have moved several times and the think I like the most is getting rid of things so I don't have to move them, so I am right there with you! Thank you for the purple flower Random Happy Mail postcard, always fun to get unexpected happy mail!
u/Zznightzzz thank you for the birthday postcard from my Scavenger hunt! I loved hearing all about your island and the people there. No problem on its delay in getting sent, been there, done that!! I love that you sent it. I still have one other person that I have not received from so if it makes you feel better you aren't the last one :)
u/wabisabi_sf, u/ninajyang and u/littlemermaidxx thank you so much for the Meet Up postcard from the SF stamp show. What a great venue to meet up and get together!!

Lately I've been noticing my (30sF) rapport with a coworker (30sM) has been evolving. At first, I just saw him as a shy man who knew a few people in the office so I started talking to him to get to know him more. I personally think I am kind of goofy/ non-serious so my default is to just try to make the other person laugh with dumb jokes or talk about irreverent hypothetical. It seemed like it was good because he started talking more with other coworkers, which is great, it sucks feeling left out so I was happy he was able to talk to more people. He's very funny and I personally find him quite charming and attractive but I don't feel like it's right to pursue an office relationship.
Then I kept noticing things or instances where it seemed like he might like me a bit more than just coworkers? Here they are:

1. I noticed when he talks to me, he really kind of looks deeply into my gaze. Like he held down the eye contact, but I just kind of brushed it off because it seemed he talked with everyone like that but I'm not sure since I don't have other peoples POVs.
   
2. When I was at the kitchen and talking to someone he touched the upper part of my arm to gently move walk past me, but I feel like he held it longer than I thought a normal oops gotta squeeze by you move is. Actually I don't even know if coworkers typically touch people on their upper arms to move people.
   
3. In the beginning I talked to him about random stuff in the mornings and he heard I was the same fan as his football team and he got really excited. Then a few days later, he was talking to another person and I was just walking by to get some water when he noticed me nearby and mentioned that he and I had the same football team, bringing me into the conversation. Could just be friendly?
   
4. We went to lunch and one other coworker offered to drive along with me. He decides to get in my car and sat in the passenger seat. When we got the food and needed to go back to the office to eat (because the place didn't have a designated place to sit and eat) I had to give him my food to hold because I couldn't drive and hold a sandwich and both times during the food exchanges giving it to him and getting it back from him, I noticed he grazed my fingers with his fingers. Maybe I'm just bad a grabbing food.
   
5. He notices when I am gone from the office and the next time I'm back he says he's happy I'm back. Seems like a friendly response?
   
6. I said I never had some certain foods before and the one day he said he had a surprise for me and he apparently bought it for me to try it. But I don't know if that is specifically for me because he allowed other people to try it too.
   
7. I have another male coworker who loves to play devil's advocate over trivial things and so I like to just pretend to be his debate partner or anything just to rile him up because I think it's funny. And the initial male coworker made a comment saying he thinks this guy is in love with me. Not sure if he was being a little jealous there or if I'm thinking he's jealous because I'm not sure if he likes me?
   
8. Calls me over when I am walking to my cube to have a chat.
   
9. Anytime I'm in a group conversation he comes over right next to me.
   
10. He eventually tells me about personal things of his life that I'm pretty sure no one else knows about because it wouldn't come up in regular conversation in an office setting.
    
11. He bought me a drink when we were out with coworkers. I jokingly made a bet with him on something dumb and when I was right he bought us both drinks for me winning.
    
12. End of one night he gave one woman side hug but gave me a full hug.
    
13. He's always looking at me when something funny is happening or if he makes a joke. Or maybe I'm just over thinking it?
    

Honestly typing this all out has got me more confused because I feel like this can totally be friendly and I'm just overthinking it. He's fun to talk to but I am afraid asking him straight up because I feel like then it just becomes super awkward. Firstly, am I just imagining this all because if I am not then is asking him outright the only way to figure this out? Is there a more subtle way without potential making the office environment potentially awkward? Thanks!
tl;dr I am having trouble discerning if a male coworker has crush on me but most importantly how do I even navigate bringing it up without making it awkward? Is it possible to just stay good friends?

Note: I'm Catholic and struggling. I posted this to Catholicism and it was removed. Feeling lost about this whole issue.
I'd like to preface this post by saying that I'm a practicing Catholic who has been hurt by this teaching and is struggling to make any sense of it. This post is also geared towards women's experiences of Church doctrine. While men can empathize, they will never be able to fully understand the experience of women in relation to pregnancy. I'm not looking to debate here. This isn't made in bad faith:
As someone who is discerning the next steps in their life, I've been considering what a Catholic marriage might look like and if it's my calling. As it stands right now, a Catholic marriage sounds like a grueling death sentence for some women. My main issue has to do with the Church's stance on birth control and (after conversations with priests in my life) clergy's quiet understanding that teachings related to it aren't very sustainable.
I'm a woman and without getting into my personal life, have struggled with fear of pregnancy. For this reason, I've made the determination that staying on birth control is the healthiest option for me. The Catholic Church, however, would beg to differ. If I were to get married, my only options would be to go off the pill and stay celibate or adopt NFP and live my life in crippling fear. That being said, I'm not opposed to having one or two children if I can get better - I do know that I can't remain open to having children anytime I have sex. This isn't only a mental health concern, but related to my material means. I do not work a job that allows me paid parental leave and I have very few days off. I'd have to work through each and every pregnancy and leaving my job would mean not making enough money to provide for children.
Obviously, getting married is not for everyone, but Catholic marriages impose an unbelievable amount of restrictions on the life of the woman. I've read Humanae Vitae and it makes the weak case that outlawing birth control actually upholds the value of the woman. As a woman - I firmly disagree with this. The insistence on my openness to pregnancy makes me feel like a vessel for life, like some kind of livestock who's ultimate goal is to breed. Appeals to what is 'natural' have long been held as a fallacious form of argumentation and while a female animal's most 'natural' purpose is to reproduce, equating this to the life of a human woman is an altogether weak and degrading argument.
Further, allowing NFP but not condoms or birth control is obviously contradictory (and not in the good way like Christ's death on the cross). Every method of birth control allows for a chance that pregnancy might occur. If we are allowed to abstain from sex or use NFP, it follows that any method of birth control would be permissible. Is it really 'natural' to abstain from sex with your spouse?
I see this doctrine hurt, not only me, but women around me. Women who struggle with medical issues are forced to live celibately with their spouse or risk their life with a pregnancy. The inequality is staggering. We are expected to give up our lives for a dangerous pregnancy that we are given no alternatives (aside from abstinence and degrading our relationships with our spouses) to prevent. I feel exhausted as I try to follow the Church's mental gymnastics to justify this doctrine and feel ready to give up on either love itself or the Church.
This might not be the best place to share my thoughts, but I want to do so in case there are any other women who struggle with this. I want to be more open about how this doctrine hurts with those around me and in my community, but speaking about it is difficult. I have chatted with a number of priests and it's clear to me that even they struggle with this issue.

Hello Everyone. This is 100% a true story.
I thought this would be a good story to share here as it deals with getting petty revenge on someone who was being transphobic and a horrible person. This is a long story but the ending is worth it.
This story takes place back in 2020 and was just reminded of it by one of my best Friends lets call her "Hannah". Hannah and I had a mutual friend, lets call him Zack. I at the time was just starting to come out as trans. This plays a part later.
Zack and I were friends after I meet him throw an EX, the EX was a good man but I am the type of person that does not do well being friends with EXs but was trying because this EX was a good person. This in the end also I keep talking to Zack and at time thought he was a good guy.
Anyway it was late in fall when Zack brought up moving into together due to I was having a hard time with my family and only had a dorm to live in. During this time he also brought up that he had a friend, Hannah, that was also looking for a place to live as her home life was not great either. I said I would have to her first before I said yes to anything. Hannah was on the same page as me and wanted to meet me first too.
So one day Invited them both over to the dorm I was living in, as if anything went wrong the College I was at had great police (had meet many of them during the time I was at college) this made me feel safer meeting new people. Hannah and Zack came over and me and Hannah hit it off well to the point you would have thought we had been friends for years. There were many times her and I would hang out without Zack, which he never liked. Red flag right there. Due to this I started to see the cracks in Zack's shell.
He was very passive of Hannah to almost boyfriend level. Which got worries after I came out as Transgender. Red flag number 2. He would also try to one up me and say things underhanded about me being trans. Now I am a huge werewolf geek and the underhanded things would be like "I will never be an alpha" or shit like that. Now I never called myself an alpha or anything like that. He also said that I would never have a man's mindsight. I never told Hannah any of this because I wanted to stay her friend and do to my trust problems thought she would take his side so that is all my fault.
One night I was talking to Hannah not sharing everything but told her Zack was pissing me off. She had known him longer then I did. She said that it could be do to his religious background and that could be why he was being a ass. That is when she opened up to me about something.
Turned out they where Friends with benefits. Zack was always wanting to make things more then that but Hannah had been hurt bad by an EX, like almost killed. So she did not trust getting back into any relationship. But felt she was safe with him and thought of slowly building up to a relationship. However she also spilled all the tea on him in bed, and I mean all the TEA!
So lets jump forward a few months to Hannah's Birthday. Zack wanted to host it the first night and then she would spend the next night with me. Hannah was going a hard time with family during this time so we planned a Birthday weekend for her. Turns out Zack invited her over for night before so she would be over one night without me so they could be the Birthday *GIGGITYY*. Well as many people know there is something that happens to most women once a month. Yes, Hannah was on her period. To her defense she did not know what Zack was planning for the night she thought he was just being nice because she got into a fight with her family.
So the next day comes around and they pick me up as I did not have a car. Everything seemed off as Hannah's mood was not normal. I wanted to ask what was up but also thought it was because of the fight with her family so I just wanted to make her happy. The day goes on and we are playing her fav video game. She went to bed early which I thought was odd as the two of us are night owls. I asked Zack what was going on. He said nothing but I could tell he was lying but dropped it.
The next day we get to mail in our city as planned and well Zack was doing something and it was just Hannah and I alone. That is when she told me what was going on between them. Apparently Zack was mad because Hannah did not SLEEP with her the night before I showed up. I was pissed, but then she keep going and he keep pushing and begging for it. to the point that when she said she was on her period he just said "THEY COULD PUT A TOWEL DOWN".
That was it for me I was done playing nice to Zack and started to think of ways to tell him how much of a pig he was. I am the type of person where three stracks your out. Hannah and I are huge nerds and you could say she is some where between punk and goth. So we told Zack we where going to Spencer's. Zack said he was going to go to another store as he hated this store. You see in the frount of Spencer's is a nerd, punk and goth best dream, as for the back of the store is full of sex toys and other adult themed things. Knowing this I told Hannah to pick out something she wanted for her birthday anything, and I would get it for her.
Well Hannah was looking at new pricings and wallets I headed to the back of the store to get some goodies for Zack. I payed for the stuff all without Hannah knowing. Best part the store has black bags that you can't see throw due to the things they sell. After I walked up to Hannah and I bought the things she wanted all to her protest. So she told me she would by lunch witch I agreed too because as friends we hate to feel like we are using each other even on holidays.
We left the store and went to the food court and ordered food. Once we sat down Hannah texted Zack where we were. That is when she looked at the large bag I had gotten and she asked me what I had gotten. I handed the bag and told her it was for Zack. The grin on her face was the best thing that I have seen. You see Hannah is also a very petty person and she very much approved of what I had gotten for Zack.
Zack showed up some time later and we planned to go back to his house so she could her car and her stuff to come to my place for the night. That is when the "gift" was given to Zack. I was putting Hannah's stuff in her car for her and wish I could have seen his face when he first opened bag.
You see when I am hurt I get petty but if you upset someone close to me I get PETTY. In the bag he found a large bag of candy and a few lollypop DICKS. But it gets better, I also got him a female blow up doll. There was also two cards. the first said "Congrats on your new girlfriend" which I signed alone and the other said "suck a mountain of dicks" which we both signed.
The next thing I know Hannah is walking out with the biggest grin on her face. With him storming after her when he saw me he said I was just mad that I would never be a "true man". Hannah turned on her heels but before she could do anything I yelled back "he would never be bigger then my pinky finger". He looked so mad and red. Hannah got in her car, we drove off and never looked back.
This may have been to far but I regret nothing.
Hannah says it was the best birthday gift anyone has ever gotten her due to his face he made when he saw all his new goodies. Hannah and I are still great friends to this day and know we have each others backs on anything.

So to start, my assistant manager just left which would make me the "manager" on one of the weekend shifts. This was the FIRST shift I had to work since they left. It was overall quiet due to it being mothers day. (Not to mention working in a skate shop doesn't draw a whole lot of women unless they're shopping for their kids) I was helping someone at my register when i heard my coworker ask me if there was a way to open the register. I said no (management is quite strict) and asked why. Apparently this woman was not happy with her change (?) idk i don't understand this concept. This woman looked me dead in my face and said "that coin is disgusting and I am pregnant. I will not be risking the health of me or my baby when I'm due in a month." change is change brother. the value doesn't change. I kind of looked at this woman like 'wtf' but she kept this look on her face like i was lower than her.
At this point i know she's going to be a problem and i just didn't want to deal with her frankly. So i open the till and pull out another coin. I look her dead in the face and ask "is this good enough for you?" (I'd like to preface by saying i am the last person who would be disrespectful or condescending in any way. i don't get upset very often at all) to which she mumbles an 'mhm' and walks away.
Why pay in cash if you think change is dirty? just pay by card instead.
I had gone up to the other staff and asked if they had spoken to her before she came up to the registers. one of my coworkers had said she kept asking for shoes in the same size after she had said she no longer wanted them. (this was multiple times for the same shoe. she had left the store twice i believe and asked for shoes a total of four times) my other coworker followed up by saying she was also very demanding of him as well.
I will add again that this woman was still extremely rude to my coworker at the registers. she told her to fold the clothing up before putting them in the bag. (there's security tags still on the clothes and she won't remove them until after the payment has been complete)
Either way in all of my years in retail i have never seen someone actually be so disrespectful to every single member of staff working that day.
Pro tip: just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you can look down on KIDS for trying to make a living :)