Jesus, what a day. It hailed! I had just finished dinner and was about to write to you when it started to rain. I was about to head out to cover up the plants when it sounded like a barrage of bullets were raining down on us. The hail was certainly the size of bullets. I was half-afraid they were going to break the windows. It gave Peach a fright. I had to rush to find something to cover my head so I could go up to cover the plants. Sadly, there were so casualties. Mother had just bought her jalapeno plants this morning and now, most of them are nothing but twigs. My bell peppers were similarly smashed. The herbs and cherry tomatoes survived decently but nothing was completely unscathed. I rushed to cover when I could and then rushed back inside. Later, when he hail actually stopped. I went back out to bring everything I could inside. I don't have confidence that my flimsy plastic cover would hold out in case there's a second storm.
Now I'm soaked. Again. It rained on and off all day; it would go from sunny and warm to dark and wet in seconds. I didn't trust the weather enough to take my laptop out to write so instead, I spent a few hours washing all the lawn furniture. Those birds, particularly the starlings, have covered everything in their shit. They really are the worst guests. Loud, messy, and demanding. Their lucky they're cute. Once I was done cleaning and the weather got sunny again, Peach wanted out. Again, I didn't trust the sky not to rain, for good reason given the hail, so I didn't write outside. Instead, I sat out on the stoop, listened to music, and watch nature in motion.
We had a lot of little guests in the yard today. The starlings, of course, were as loud and intrusive as any storm, but they weren't the only birds around. There were several pairs of finches swooping through the bushes. A pair of males were fighting while a little female watched, I don't think either of them impressed her. Peach watched a mourning dove on the roof for a few minutes and missed the giant toad hopping onto the lawn. I made sure to tell Mother not to let the dog out. He was a giant, handsome thing. So many shades of green, lightest at the top of his head and darker going down. The little discs on either side of his head, apparently it's called the tympanum, was bright yellow, like mini-suns. Peach eventually spotted him and I was so sure she was going to pounce. I followed her as she stalked closer but luckily, she was actually pursing a tasty but of grass by the fence. She couldn't care less about Mr. Toad. Knowing Cooper would be so kind, I took the toad over to the gate. He was a queer fellow. Very polite. He only hopped away from me once and then politely let me scoop him up without fuss. I didn't even need to use both my hands. He just sat in my palm and stared up at me with that strange, semi-sentient expression animals make when they know you're helping them. He didn't even hop away immediately when I brought my hand to the ground. He sat in my palm for almost a full minute before suddenly springing away. I wouldn't mind seeing him in the backyard again if only I didn't have to worry about Cooper eating him.
Now, there's only one last thing to write to you about. My writing. I wrote last night, just as I said I would, from 10:30p.m. to 12:30 a.m. I have no idea how much I wrote. I was to exhausted to count last night and now, I can't recall what I wrote then and what I wrote the day before. Th chapter still isn't quite done. It is in the annoying stage where I could see myself finishing tonight or maybe it will stake me all week. I hate that stage. May is nearly half over and I still only have four chapters written. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't finish the book before halloween. Some deadlines aren't meant to be met. They inspire, I suppose. They are a light to follow and then walk past when you meet them empty handed. Even if the book isn't finished in October, I'll keep writing past October. I'll write until it's done. I want to finish the book and that is a good enough reason to write everyday, whenever I can bring myself to but there's no point running myself into the ground for a few paragraphs. If I can't finish a chapter one day, I'll finish it the next. The when matters less than the why. I want it written and that is reason enough to keep going.
Wish me luck.
Would you believe, I already wrote this whole letter to you and then wen't to publish it, only for me to realize I didn't tag the subreddit, and then when I do tag the subreddit, the whole letter deletes and I have to write it all over again? That would be infuriating wouldn't it?
Oh, well. What was first written if gone but what I've re-written might be better in some ways. Or worse. At least it is written.
Please don't delete again.
Yours & Mine,
S.O. Skinner

Quick and Dirty: So long as you get Pep Talk by completing the first four dream quests, AND install Ye Olde Chemicker on Plunkett Street, you can get 15/15/15 on day 6 and beat the Ocean City Boardwalk games (Dream Cat not required). The rough outline: You get +2/+2/+2 from Ocean City perks and Charlestown State Pen perks, +1/+1/+1 from any number of hat and pants combos, +1/+1/+1 from the Monster Club sash, +1/+1/+1 from a Noble Elixir from Ye Olde Chemicker, +1/+1/+1 from the devil's food cake (throw a hot link down the H***hole), +1/+1/+1 from your choice of liquor and your bonus from the electrified orb, +1/+1/+1 from your Pep Talk perk and choice of cat, +1 to Moxie from a new set of teeth, +1 to Muscle from Chiropractic, +1 to mysticality from the statue of you, +1/+1/+1 from losing and getting Angry, Contemplative, and Aloof effects.
Beating the Ocean City Boardwalk games requires a minimum of 15/15/15 Mus/Mys/Mox stats. This is missable--it is possible to lock yourself out of being able to achieve such high stats. However, there are multiple ways to get your M-stats this high, meaning even if you miss one route to 15/15/15, another is likely still open. I wanted to make a quick guide about not only how to purely maximize stats, but the different options available to get yourself to 15/15/15.

Always Possible Stat Boosts

On any save file, 13/13/13 should be achievable. Here's how:

• +1/+1/+1 from Basic Humanity
• +4/+4/+4 from Skill Upgrades
• +1 Muscle from "St. Polycarp's Forehead" perk (St. Polycarp's Cathedral quest)
• +1 Mysticality from "Skeptical" perk (pay for a tarot reading three times at Ocean City Boardwalk)
• +1 Moxie from "Expert Sitter" perk (Marvin's quest)

Those, which I assume most folks who made it through chapter 1 know about, bring you to 6/6/6. Potions, alcohol, and food will also easily net you +1, +1, +2 to your choice of stats (you can get higher boosts from food and potions, but they are unique and/or missable), bringing you to around 7/8/7. Then:

• +1/+1/+1 from wearing the completed Monster Club sash accessory (complete all Monster Shack quests). To my knowledge, it is impossible to lock yourself out of this quest.
• +1 Moxie from the "Perfect Teeth" perk (the dentist at the Maize Maze in Gray County)
• +1/+1/+1 from giving prisoners Chiropractor gift certificates (Charlestown State Pen in Government Valley)
• +1 Muscle from the "Well Adjusted" effect using the same gift certificate for yourself

This brings us to 10/10/10. To get to 13/13/13:

• A hat and pants combo can get you +1/+1/+1 any playthrough. The intimidating Stetson from Haim Quarry in The Big Moist with S.I.T. kitchen britches from the S.I.T. gift shop) is the earliest available combo, but you can also combine any puckwudgie hat from Gray County with the corresponding S.I.T. pants from the S.I.T. gift shop). There's also the glorious tiara from the Wreck of the Longerfellow, which is difficult to reach.
• The electrical orb on your bookshelf from Radio Shack in The Big Moist grants +1 to your class' main stat when you touch it.
• The statue of you from Puckwudgie Village and one of the three M-stat cats (not counting the dream cat) can grant you +1 to an additional 2 M-stats
• Finally: Losing battles (NOT surrendering!) will grant you Angry), Contemplative, and Aloof effects for an additional +1/+1/+1.

So, this will get you to +13/+13/+13 fairly hassle free. But that still leaves us 6 points shy of victory. Thankfully, there are myriad ways to reach that final number (and beyond)

Bridging the final +6 gap

All of the following is content you can lock yourself out of, sometimes pretty easily, sometimes pretty early in the game. The good news is, there are so many options, it's likely a path to 15/15/15 still exists on your save file unless you've reached the very late game and aren't lucky.

Dreams

You can get an additional +4 from Dream-related events.

• The Dream Cat from the Prologue grants +1/+1/+1, for an additional +2 M-stats compared with the other M-stat cats. They are very missable, and you can permanently lose their boon if you pet another cat on Chapter 6, as you will not go to sleep again.
• You must complete quests in your first four dreams to get the perk Pep talk, granting +1 to 2 of your 3 M-stats. You choose the M-stats by picking which statue to silence in Yet Another Fitful Dream.

Clothing

• The giant maggot hat, which comes from helping the miners and NOT working with Frogger at Haim Quarry, gives +1/+1/+1 for an additional +1 M-stat.
• Weathered Jeans can be bought from Advanced Pants on Day 4 if you choose it as an additional shop on Plunkett street. It grants +1 Muscle and +1 Moxie, and is the only pair of pants to provide +1 to more than 1 M-stat, for an additional +1 overall. You will only install 5 of the 9 possible stores on Plunkett street during a playthrough, making it easy to miss this shop.

This makes for a maximal +2 from better clothes.

Food

There are a number of food options to grant more than +1 to your M-stats, granting a maximal additional +2 to your M-stats overall.

• Any food starting with H can be thrown in The H***hole in Gray County to make devil's food cake, for +1/+1/+1. Of particular interest are hot links, which can be crafted at arcane ovens from the infinitely abundant phlogistic resin. This is always available in any save file, but easily missed.
• The Dauphin House) in The Big Moist contains a Can of Fruit Cocktail for +1/+1/+1. This item is unique.
• Fruit Advertisements can be gotten from Junk Mail once you've gotten the letter opener on day 6. They give +1/+1/+1 when eaten.
• Fish sandwiches can be bought from Fission Chips or The Underground Restaurant) for +1 to 2 M-stats of your choice (suboptimal, but available starting day 3)
• Finally, picking Botany as a major opens up 2 interesting options for an additional (suboptimal) +1 to your M-stats: You can make a questionable salad at Professor Kalos' Holiday Home which grants +1 to Muscle and Mysticality when eaten, AND you can wander at S.I.T. with Barker to find Odd Fruit for +1 to Muscle and Moxie.

Potions

Potion options are comparatively limited, but can grant an additional +2.

• The Noble Exlixir (+1/+1/+1) will be sold at Ye Olde Chemicker if you install it on Plunkett Street, but ONLY on day 6. You will only install 5 of the 9 possible stores on Plunkett street during a playthrough, making it easy to miss this shop.
• If you take the Chemicals major at S.I.T., you can get Professor Adams as a companion. Talking to him at Ye Olde Chemicker will give you 3 of Professor Adams' special potions for +1/+1/+1. This can only be done once, but can get you +1/+1/+1 potions before day 6.
• Without Ye Olde Chemicker, you can find radium rouge at the Dauphin House in The Big Moist for +1 to Mysticality and Moxie (suboptimal). This item is unique.

Other

There are a couple unique effects that you can use which will last 1 day only

• At The Old Junkyard at Crystaldream lake, there's a tub you can soak in for +1/+1/+1 for the rest of the day. This is a one day only effect; you can only soak once and will not be able to soak any other day. Optimal to soak on day 6.
• Similarly, in Gray County, you can encounter a blob of crude oil surrounded by electrified shale spires. If you choose the option "Harness the Lightning [7 Mysticality] you get +1 Mysticality from the Fossil Fueled effect for the rest of the day. This option can only be chosen once; the event can occur many times, but once you choose to harness lightning, it will never happen again (optimal to do so on day 6).
• Finally, the exploit: You can get +3/+3/+3 if you choose spiders as an elective at S.I.T. I don't recommend it, but it's there.

Bonus Guide to Liquors

-Tequila grants +1 to Muscle and Mysticality and can be found in the Mob Submarine in The Big Moist, but only if you accept the Mob's offer on day 2. - Whiskey grants +1 to Muscle and Moxie and can be found in the Moonshiner's Cave in The Big Moist. - Absinthe grants +1 to Mysticality and Moxie and is found in Rufus' Lab) at S.I.T.
Shoutout to this previous post by u/Mr_Lisreal, which already covers most of what's in this post. My motivation behind making this was primarily that the wiki does not do a good job of displaying potion effects in a browsable way, and it wasn't clear to me if it was possible to completely box yourself out of being able to complete the boardwalk games (to my eye it appears possible, but uncommon). I also wanted a guide out there for freaks like me who enjoy petting cats, and therefore don't want to lean on the dream cat boon because it deprives you of the joy of petting all the other cats in the game.

Ok I am officially graduating in a week and I thought it would be interesting to talk about my experience at Pace. My situation is a bit unique though as my underclassmen years (Freshman/Sophomore) were primarily remote because of COVID. As result I do feel I missed out on stuff, but I think I made up for it in the years following.
I am a film major with a digital media minor. I found the film major was extremely quick, but I could not afford most of the production classes (16mm, intro to film making, ect) so that locked me off a lot of the more advanced classes. That being said, I loved Editing I & II and even TA’d for Editing I for most of my time. I was not a member of any clubs because of COVID (didn’t feel like getting on zoom calls) but pace has a great club scene!! Ok on to my take aways

• Pace is just as good as the effort you put into it. Get involved on campus, it’s super easy. Join clubs, the newspaper, the radio show, student galleries, or even see what your professors are working on. Every semester research grants are offered to anyone! Like I said I TA’d and did work on the film festival. I had a lot of fun and it was rewarding! So many people I see just kinda go to class and thats it. That won’t get you an internship and that won’t get you a job.
  
• If you can stick through the beginng of your core requirements, you can literally do whatever you want. I know taking english is annoying. I know the coding class is annoying. But after that? There is like barely any limits. I took a sports class, criminology, anthropology, TV data class…it’s literally whatever you want.
  
• USE THE CAREER CENTER. specifically, USE SAL!!! The career center actually does care about you, they will make your cover letter and your resume. It’s important to have one which gives you access to the most important thing ever: HANDSHAKE. I got two internships and I’m interviewing for a startup that I found on there.
  
• form positive relationships with your professors. Don’t skip class, do the homework, and participate in class. Often when you do this they’re more lenient with you, will round your final grade, and can offer letters of recommendation or anything else.
  
• you need a job if you’re going to live in the NYC campus…unless you’re just rich. I find that the workload at pace makes this manageable. I worked at a retail store in WTC, got me through the semesters fine.
  
• honestly? The food isn’t bad. Not great!! But not bad. Its what it says on the tin, don’t expect anything fancy.
  
• the gym is gross. Sorry
  

Genuinely i had a fantastic time at Pace and don’t regret my decision.

Hello! My boyfriend and I are having a disagreement and we decided to ask you to help us settle it. Well, I do. He thinks you're all going to tell me to dump him but we all know this subreddit would never do such a thing.
So sometimes when he and I are on the phone, I'll say something like "I love you" or "I miss you" or "have a good night, my dear" and he'll just say "yeah." Wtf dude? That's all you got? Not even a "you too?" Shoot me straight through the heart, Im dead. He says that "yeah" means "you too" but does it really? We need you all to settle this argument because I'm over here like YOU ARE MY STARS AND SKY AND BREATH AND AIR, IT IS THE EAST AND MY BOYFRIEND IS THE SUN and he's like "yah". Please let us know because this argument is heated and needs to be settled before we are able to move in together. I would ask my mom but she'd side with him just to spite me so I'm asking strangers instead.
K thx love u bye
EDIT FOR CLARITY - folks my boyfriend DOES love me 😭 Im dying this is a silly debate and my soul is leaving through my butthole with these comments
TLDR: boyfriend things "yeah" is equivalent to saying "I love you too" and I disagree, help us settle it.

Dear Jess,
I know that I have apologized profusely
I have made letter after letter apologizing to you and begging for you to come back
I know that I have pushed you beyond your limits, that I was the one who gave up on you
I know that you will never see any of my letters
I know that I will never hear from you again
But I can't let go, I just can't let go of you
I always want you back, I often wish I didn't let my fears and traumas win me over
That I could have been more mindful and considerate of you when I had the chance
I miss you, I miss talking to you, I miss making plans with you, I miss how you cared about me and listened and understood
I regret the day I decided to give up on our relationship
I regret how I didn't listen to you and how much stress, pain and anxiety I put you through
I regret how last year I said way too much trying to get your attention
All I ever wanted was to have you back, to take the steps to earn your love and your trust, to have a second chance and redeem myself and do things right
You're the one who left the biggest imprints on me, the one I always wish I could start over again with
Maybe I am delusional, maybe I'm just Yandere, or maybe I do love you that much and regret how I was
You were the first and only person in my adult life who saw me as her first choice and instead of seeing that I held onto my baggage and gave that up, I gave up what we could have had together
What should have been
It's been 4 going on 5 years now I think...
And I still genuinely wish I had you back, that we could start over again and actually talk about everything and work things out.
I hope you're doing well Jess
I hope you're living the life you wanted
I hope that the guy who took my place is good to you
I'm sorry for all the damage I caused you and to myself
I'm sorry I didn't care for or about you more
I'm sorry that it couldn't be us having the future we talked about together
Sincerely Caleb,
Formerly Hex.

hi before i begin this i just wanted to say this might be very long and ranty and the grammar won’t be correct. thank you if you choose to go on!!
i’m a female and i won’t disclose my age (i’m a teen) but since i was about 11 i’ve explored being bi. realizing i liked girls wasn’t a hard thing for me to truly accept to myself although i grew up with a homophobic scary father who could definitely hurt me if i told him about this. since i realized i liked girls i’ve always worried that maybe i’m just doing it for a show and maybe i’m just trying to be different. since i labeled myself as bi being unsure of that label and having no label is very uncomfortable and although some people would say just go with the flow which i do agree with that as i said i feel very uncomfortable to not be able to say to others or to myself what i am without feeling guilt that what i’m saying isn’t true. when i was in 7th grade when i was about 12 i started dating boys and my first “relationship” he guilt tripped me into being with him and when he broke up with me i felt the need to be sad or itd be like i never liked him so i forced myself to cry. then i dated his friend (…) i definitely liked him friend more however one night i started talking to this girl and i realized i did like her so the next morning i broke up with my then boyfriend for her. none of my “relationship” lasted very long about 2 weeks for the guys and around 1 month for the girl. but when i started talking to that girl i would talk about my ex and say that i missed him which i did (i feel awful about that). she broke up with me a few days after school ended and it didn’t hit me in the moment but when we went back for 8th grade i felt EXTREMELY hurt and i missed her a ton but what if i just missed our friendship? we talked again in 8th grade when i was 13 and she broke it off again (it hit me even harder that time) then we decided to stay friends (i still really liked her) then i met this boy and i do believe i really did like him but even when i liked him that girl was still on my mind always. to this day i believe she’s the only one out of my relationships that i truly loved and would go back to. the love i felt for her exceeded anything i had ever felt for a boy. and throughout all of this i’ve always felt unsure that i truly liked boys, that me liking girls wasn’t just an act. i’ve tried multiple labels but i always go back to thinking maybe i’m lesbian. i’m not sure i resonate deeply with anything in the lesbian media i feel like my experience if i am lesbian is so strange that i can’t bring my to think i have the right to identify with any lesbian character or celebrity. i’m still young and i haven’t slept or even kissed anyone and i don’t plan to for the time being. i’ve tried the lesbian label and sometimes when it was late at night when everyone was sleeping when i was 11 i would watch lesbian shows and feel okay with that label until the morning came then i’d feel the worry that it’s all just a show again. if i see an attractive guy and i recognize that i feel like i’m betraying the label of being lesbian. me liking girls is rare but maybe that’s just because they’re true feelings and not something i can’t just switch off like i can with guys. i’ve liked guys in the past but the thought of being with one now isn’t truly appealing to me. i feel like hearing just wait and see doesn’t help me because i have waited and i haven’t seen anything.
thank you for reading this and please give me advice, share your experience, tell me what you think i could be. anything to help me understand what this is. 🩷🩷

hi before i begin this i just wanted to say this might be very long and ranty and the grammar won’t be correct. thank you if you choose to go on!!
i’m a female and i won’t disclose my age (i’m a teen) but since i was about 11 i’ve explored being bi. realizing i liked girls wasn’t a hard thing for me to truly accept to myself although i grew up with a homophobic scary father who could definitely hurt me if i told him about this. since i realized i liked girls i’ve always worried that maybe i’m just doing it for a show and maybe i’m just trying to be different. since i labeled myself as bi being unsure of that label and having no label is very uncomfortable and although some people would say just go with the flow which i do agree with that as i said i feel very uncomfortable to not be able to say to others or to myself what i am without feeling guilt that what i’m saying isn’t true. when i was in 7th grade when i was about 12 i started dating boys and my first “relationship” he guilt tripped me into being with him and when he broke up with me i felt the need to be sad or itd be like i never liked him so i forced myself to cry. then i dated his friend (…) i definitely liked him friend more however one night i started talking to this girl and i realized i did like her so the next morning i broke up with my then boyfriend for her. none of my “relationship” lasted very long about 2 weeks for the guys and around 1 month for the girl. but when i started talking to that girl i would talk about my ex and say that i missed him which i did (i feel awful about that). she broke up with me a few days after school ended and it didn’t hit me in the moment but when we went back for 8th grade i felt EXTREMELY hurt and i missed her a ton but what if i just missed our friendship? we talked again in 8th grade when i was 13 and she broke it off again (it hit me even harder that time) then we decided to stay friends (i still really liked her) then i met this boy and i do believe i really did like him but even when i liked him that girl was still on my mind always. to this day i believe she’s the only one out of my relationships that i truly loved and would go back to. the love i felt for her exceeded anything i had ever felt for a boy. and throughout all of this i’ve always felt unsure that i truly liked boys, that me liking girls wasn’t just an act. i’ve tried multiple labels but i always go back to thinking maybe i’m lesbian. i’m not sure i resonate deeply with anything in the lesbian media i feel like my experience if i am lesbian is so strange that i can’t bring my to think i have the right to identify with any lesbian character or celebrity. i’m still young and i haven’t slept or even kissed anyone and i don’t plan to for the time being. i’ve tried the lesbian label and sometimes when it was late at night when everyone was sleeping when i was 11 i would watch lesbian shows and feel okay with that label until the morning came then i’d feel the worry that it’s all just a show again. if i see an attractive guy and i recognize that i feel like i’m betraying the label of being lesbian. me liking girls is rare but maybe that’s just because they’re true feelings and not something i can’t just switch off like i can with guys. i’ve liked guys in the past but the thought of being with one now isn’t truly appealing to me. i feel like hearing just wait and see doesn’t help me because i have waited and i haven’t seen anything.
thank you for reading this and please give me advice, share your experience, tell me what you think i could be. anything to help me understand what this is. 🩷🩷

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you, M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them, "He didn't do anything wrong. "... once my supervisor left, JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point, I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other women, and they wrongfully accused you as well under hypnosis.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor, and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you, M&M. He destroyed every memory of us and every picture. He destroyed "US."
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis, he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self-esteem and worth even more so. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex-husband. Relationships I would have never entered, but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me, he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him, etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout, and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally. PHD etc.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much that I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you, but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that, at least.

There's a lot more, but that would be longer, and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. I'm just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you, M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them, "He didn't do anything wrong. "... once my supervisor left, JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point, I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other women, and they wrongfully accused you as well under hypnosis.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor, and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you, M&M. He destroyed every memory of us and every picture. He destroyed "US."
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis, he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self-esteem and worth even more so. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex-husband. Relationships I would have never entered, but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me, he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him, etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout, and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally. PHD etc.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much that I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you, but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that, at least.

There's a lot more, but that would be longer, and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. I'm just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you, M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them, "He didn't do anything wrong. "... once my supervisor left, JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point, I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other women, and they wrongfully accused you as well under hypnosis.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor, and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you, M&M. He destroyed every memory of us and every picture. He destroyed "US."
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis, he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self-esteem and worth even more so. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex-husband. Relationships I would have never entered, but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me, he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him, etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout, and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally. PHD etc.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much that I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you, but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that, at least.

There's a lot more, but that would be longer, and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. I'm just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. 7. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them "he didn't do anything wrong"... once my supervisor left JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other woman and they accused you too.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you M&M. He destroyed every memory of us, and every picture. He destroyed "US".
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self esteem and worth even moreso. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex husband. Relationships I would have never entered but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life, since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that at least.

There's a lot more but that would be longer and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. Just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. 7. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them "he didn't do anything wrong"... once my supervisor left JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other woman and they accused you too.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you M&M. He destroyed every memory of us, and every picture. He destroyed "US".
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self esteem and worth even moreso. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex husband. Relationships I would have never entered but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life, since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that at least.

There's a lot more but that would be longer and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. Just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.

Dear M&M,
This is a list of what the nasty "JE"rk has done to me over decades. Now I'm writing this out bc I would like you to know how he has manipulated and hurt me throughout my life. Mostly, to show you that he went to extremes bc my love for you was all encompassing. When he would put me under hypnosis I wouldn't relent. I wouldn't stop loving you. And he beat me up for it. Look, my sweet M&M, I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything. Or that you have to love me. No, I just want to clear the air finally. To bring truth to what was done. You deserve that. You went through so much as well. And I would love to keep this kind of stuff private but he took that away and im left to tell the world our story so you can at least know i never gave up on you. Bc a part of me knows you never gave up on me. Also, if anyone reads this I'm healed enough to talk about everything. Don't be sad for me. I'm a super resilient person at this point and mentally tough.💪
So here it goes ok, things that happened to me that he did:

1. He raped me along with other men.
2. He told me never to say anything or he would kill me and hurt you.
3. He said he would break us up if I said anything.
4. Later, after he was appointed the investigator of the gang rape he took me and used hypnosis and torture, so as to keep me from telling the truth.
5. Him and his buddies took me to a room to discuss how they were going to destroy "evidence" which was me. Someone mentioned "get her to kill herself". So JE used hypnosis and he almost succeeded except I was found on time. It was clear he needed me to appear crazy and suggested everything that happened was bc of my past. It was part of the script I was supposed to say.
6. It became clear you wanted justice and didn't know who JE really was. He had to block my memories by taking me to a hotel where he used torture and hypnosis at the same time. He repeatedly raped me at the hotel. 7. After several weekends I lost all conscious awareness of who you were M&M. You would appear and I wouldn't know your name or that we had a relationship.
7. He constantly blocked you and the investigation and turned it around on you M&M.
8. He used hypnosis on me to say you sexually assaulted me. I was being questioned in the same room that JE and the other men raped me. My supervisor was getting tired of waiting around bc I kept telling them "he didn't do anything wrong"... once my supervisor left JE brought out the gold chain (hypnosis) and recorded me saying you sexually assaulted me.
9. At this point I was trained with the hypnosis, but I fought hard for you. JE also used hypnosis on other woman and they accused you too.
10. He made sure to continue to degrade me to my supervisor and I got a "15" bc he insisted I was out of line for what happened between you and me..(SMH).
11. He took possession of all my paperwork and destroyed everything connected to you M&M. He destroyed every memory of us, and every picture. He destroyed "US".
12. He did various things to other women I'm not going to mention here.
13. He made up lies about my past to use and weaponize against me and you, or suggest it was for my protection he went to this extreme.
14. All communication between us both was severely compromised. I never received anything from you. He would make me dictate letters and write them out under hypnosis.
15. He forwarded all my mail to his home.
16. He has been monitoring my online activities since online became a thing.
17. Through hypnosis he was able to manage to get me into relationships that destroyed my self esteem and worth even moreso. This, bc he knew you were waiting it out. Even this last time with my ex husband. Relationships I would have never entered but he intervened.
18. He kept me from my Gd.
19. Throughout the time he took possession of me he painted himself as my boyfriend to others so that they wouldn't believe he was part of the gang rape or that he was continuing to rape me.
20. I was hypnotized to play a role and pretend that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him etc.
21. People found out so he put more pressure on me and really did such a number on me mentally that I would never know you M&M (not getting into how he tortured me to lose all conscious awareness of ever knowing you M&M)
22. He's most likely kept recordings and records of this as he plays for life, since what he did was catastrophic. Too many people found out the truth. I have my mind and voice back, which is the real truth.
23. He intervened with any success I could have had from going to grad school, including failing a class, gre,... having to leave prestigious work positions bc I didn't know why I was severely suffering from ptsd... bc part of the script is keeping me down. Too much clout and he won't be believed if I succeeded professionally.
24. My kiddo dude... this one kills me. I was kept down so much I hardly had the strength to fight anymore.
25. I was never going to remember you but I did... and I'm so very grateful 🙏 now. Bc I know what love really is. I have that at least.

There's a lot more but that would be longer and this is loonngg..
So dude, that's some of it. Just sad that I can't really discuss this in private with you bc he has compromised so much of my communication with you. The goal was for me to never know you or that I loved you so that I could clear your name and tell the truth of what was really done to us both.

Hello So me '24 F' and my boyfriend '23' are in a relationship since january 2024 so it's been about 4 months. He's my first boyfriend, my first lover, my first kiss etc. I can't really take advices from my surroundings because they don't share the same openmind set thant my partner and so I think, however the problem, they will always come to conclusion that I am right.
So me '24 F' and my boyfriend '23' are in a relationship since january 2024 so it's been about 4 months. He's my first boyfriend, my first lover, my first kiss etc.
He has been in a relationship three times before and only long time relationships. He is very kind, sweet, funny that's why I've fallend for him easily and very quickly. Everything was quick, I was confortable with him since our first date. It's odd for me since I'm very shy and mostly around men, even if no romantics feelings involved.
Everything was great, we played videos games together, he is more social than me so I quickly (too quickly) met a lot of his friends and his family. I struggled because it was fast and too much for me but in the end, even if I didn't talk a lot with them I got through it and they are all awesome people.
I stayed a lot at his house, and one time, it was 2 months ago, I did a bad thing. I looked into his insta DM's.. He was talking to his bestfriend about a girl (I knew of because it told me about it) he met in a Valorant game but what I didn't know was that he found her voice pretty. He said things about "bro I met this girl, she can play so well, and you know she has a sweet voice, your brain imagine automatically that it is a pretty girl talking. I tried to guess how she looked like in real life and I had 4 out of 5 good answers. I love 'OP name' with all my heart, I don't want that to be unclear but you know what I mean, it is not being attracted but I know you understand me. It's like having an epistolary relationship"
It broke my heart a little too much, because my vision of him that I had was more like me "when you're in love with someone you only see that person and not fantasm about others". I talk to him about it, if he was attracted to that game girl. He said never I love you, I don't even know how she look like. And myself, knew what he told about her, so hearring him lying was even more hurtful because he always told me that he never ever lies. I kept going and, he made me feel like I was being crazy without saying it. I asked him if he knew it would make me feel sad to keep that girl in friend, was he willing to delete her (I actually didn't want him to delete her, I just wanted to see if he would do it, bc if I played with a guy and if it made him sad, I wouldn't even wait for him to ask the question I would delete him, I don't know him he isn't important). He told me that he wouldn't delete somebody that did nothing wrong, talking to me like I was over reacting.
I finally told him the same day that I had read those messages. They were old messages. He said he didn't remember and he is so sorry bc he would have felt the same way as me 6 years earlier. And when he said all that, it was responds to his friends and he really don't care about her, he could delete her, that he as the same vision of love than me and that those messages meant nothing to him etc etc. I wasn't upset but really sad and for days he kept saying sorry, at one point he cried because I wanted to live (we don't live in the same town). After a lot of talkings and reassuring it was better.
But since that day, I am easily jealous (i wasn't at all before), upset and sad and keep finding things he do wrong. I think for some things I am over the top but I don't know I to canalize it.
For example, he still had his exes in his friends on social media, sometimes they are taking news of him or sending memes, her not him, he just answers. He told me beforend in our first date, he don't love them anymore, I trusted him and still trust him on that. So at first it did nothing to me, even it's like 1 time a month that he receives a mess from them. But since that game girl story, I put that in a discussion, saying that it's weird to keep its exes and what for. But I know that I wouldn't do that, keep my exes so I am surely projecting my vision of a couple on him while we are all different and it's ok.
What made me do this post it's because it's been 5 days that I have came back in my town and for 4 days I didn't have much new from him but still the "i love you's", "good night, miss you so much", "what did you do today?" etc, and it was ok because I new he did have much battery, living in a tent bc he was at and event with his best friend. He came back yesterday, worked the morning got home told me he will see his bestfriend again to do some bycicle, while the past day he told me he would call or send vocals to tell me all about the event, and take time with me. In the afternoon told me he had 1 pourcent left and I didn't havec any news since 5 hours laters, while I was going to bed.
I felt bad all afternoon, thinking why if he knew he would go not charge his phone.. Why didn't he just stayed home playing games with me or calling me instead of seeing his friend he saw for 4 days prior.
The same thing happend when I was sleeping at his house. I felt sad so I told him, I wanted him to go to sleep with me. That day he spent it with his bestfriend at his house. And when his bestfriend left I thought he would be with me. But even tho I told him I was sad, I think he didn't think it was this important and kept playing games all night with his bestfriend.
Their are other times where I felt sad and leftout for little things like that. I want to be like I was at the begininng, I love him I am past little quarrels, and he always asks me how I feel, if I love him, he always reassure me, give me love and affection. I want to let those bad feelings of mine go but I don't know how.
Thanks and sorry if you got through all this

This holiday marks 3 years since you walked out of our apartment and out of my life after the better part of a decade of us being all but married. When we first got together, you told me you were the kind of guy that couldn't sleep with a woman unless you had a strong emotional connection with her. It was true back then and it was one of the things I loved and respected most about you, as never once in those years did I have to worry about you being disloyal. You were a good man, a good boyfriend, a good brother, and a good son and, for as much as we argued, I was so proud to call you mine.
Over the years, you leaned away and into the manosphere, began parroting soundbites from "alpha" talking heads, grew a disdain for women and began to believe that women's place is beneath that of men's. I spent a long time wondering if it was because you and I argued so much and if I could've done more to prevent you from becoming what you are now.
It's only been a little over 3 months since we tried to date again. In that month of dating, you told me of how high a standard I set for the women that followed - all 11 of them, you made sure to tell me - and stressed how none of them could come close to me, and how you felt you were almost entirely responsible for things falling apart between us - all words that were a shock coming from you.
After hearing such a number of women in so short a timespan, I asked what happened to being connected before sex, and you said that's how you used to be, that now, you understand what it is to be a man and that men have no issue separating sex from emotion. I didn't believe you, and as the truth bled out over time, it became obvious that you'd gotten your feelings jumbled and left pieces of your heart with at least a few of these women.
For a brief time before that, I thought you'd missed me as much as I'd missed you since you said things that the man who walked out on me would've sooner died than ever admit. Because I could see that bit of growth in you, despite your haughty attitude, I wanted to believe you. You were begging me for marriage and a child, lamenting how you were tired of dating women who consistently disappointed and how you just wanted to settle down with a good woman and start a family. It was a pitiful plea, but I still loved you. So, I told you if you were serious, we could work towards rebuilding trust and see what happened from there.
That was my first mistake. My second was not listening when you initially told me that you'd become a worse person.
Since you were so dead-set on marriage and children as fast as possible, rushing to plan every detail of your timeline with a vigor you'd never once shown in the years we spent together, I wanted to make it work, wanted to believe that there was still good in you reaching out to the good in me. So, I indulged the fantasy, hoping this was your way of making up for lost time.
But a fantasy is all it was.
You initially told me you were single only to later admit, after I had to ask upon seeing her things in your bathroom, that you were juggling me with other women. You told me how you manipulated "pick-me"s to get what you want from them, got mad when I told you I had no intention of competing with them for you, and when called out on these awful actions and opinions, you just said, "I told you I don't think I'm a good person anymore," as if it were some sort of get-out-of-jail-free-card.
To your credit, you ended things with her when I threatened to remove myself from your fantasy future and you never tried for anything more than a goodbye hug with me during the entirety of this attempt at dating so your conscience, or maybe guilt, was present in some capacity, at least.
I asked you why you've chosen to knowingly become a worse person and all you could say was that you didn't feel respected back then, that you didn't know how to be a man, and that you do now and how being a good person as a man just gets you walked all over. I told you I knew this tough-guy alpha business was just a facade. You admitted it was a mask but said that you wear it so often that it's basically glued to your face, now.
What you couldn't answer was why you deserve a good woman like me if you, yourself, aren't a good man. Regardless, you're convinced that you're some magnanimous prize to be won, yet don't see the reality of how you've only reduced yourself to a fuckboy that dangles the carrot of family, marriage, and stability in front of unsuspecting women to your own selfish ends, hoping they'll fight and compete for a love you have no intention of giving, seeing as that's "pick-me" behavior to you.
I should've thrown you away a dozen times over but I didn't because, just like in the past, I could see the confused and hurt boy in you crying out when you lamented how your family no longer enjoys having you around and how thrilled you thought they'd be if we got back together - how you want to be close-knit with them again, like things were when I was still in the picture.
The funny thing is, when they found out we were seeing each other again, they weren't thrilled, instead they stressed for me to be cautious and take things slow because they know what you've become and how you treat women now.
Your family is full of good people that tell me how they love me far more than they like you. They find your opinions deplorable and dislike how quick you are to ruin special occasions to fight them over said opinions. In all honesty, my heart broke for you a little when I heard that you weren't included in the Mother's Day plans while I was.
You said you wanted to regain the gravitas that being established with me and being the dutiful son and brother gave you back then, but you forget how you only showed the worsening side of yourself to me at the time. I kept it from them, but it was you who showed the full truth of your beliefs to them after you left. It was you who lost your family's respect and threw away the close bonds you had with them.
Despite all this, I stubbornly stuck this attempt at reconciliation out after our second-to-last date where the mask slipped and you unintentionally showed me, without a doubt, that there was still a deep well of love and affection for me in you. I think it scared you to realize, too, that your gruff exterior was cracking and that you were softening to me.
For our next date, you came to my place for the first time and saw everything from the life you left behind. I know it rushed you with emotions you weren't prepared to handle, so I figured you'd need time to sort out your feelings, but didn't expect you to end things then and there.
In that final discussion, you repeated that I'm your ideal woman in every way, but that you can't continue with us because you were afraid of stepping back into our old life and becoming the person you were when we were together. That you didn't like that version of yourself - the version of you that at one point-in-time was a far better person, better son, better brother, better boyfriend, and better man.
So here, 3 years later, and 3 months later, I've come to accept that I will never not love you, no matter how awful you become. No matter how many times I move on, in every timeline, every universe, every reincarnation, I will always miss you, love you, and genuinely want the best for you.
These things will never change, but one thing has: the beaming pride I once felt for you has turned to solemn pity.

I'm struggling. My flair says reconciling, but it's on a low arc and approaching failure. Or maybe it's still false. I don't know.
Married 19 years, together for 25; two teenage children with severe emotional problems coming out of the pandemic.
D-Day was 16 months ago, the night before Thanksgiving. AP was literally an alcoholic unemployed late 40-something living in his mom's basement. They had met at a funeral she hadn't bothered to ask me to go because I wasn't leaving the bed in those days and I'd have said no. The night I discovered his clingy, mooning texts lamenting their inability to spend the holiday together, my life - already a terrible, depressive, lonely black hole of a mess and following the sudden, unnecessary death of a parent on Christmas Day - just imploded.
Upon confrontation after Thanksgiving dinner, the response was the worst in all ways possible. WW was high on limerence, and was fiercely unapologetic. She didn't want to separate but demanded an open marriage. She 'deserved to be happy', and felt good about her having told this unplanned encounter that went from EA to PA in 72 hours that she'd never leave me.
She had eschewed having intimacy for years before this. We had been poor to each other over the years, but I fell off a cliff after our kids faded from the world and my parent died. She was legit shocked and belligerent when I refused, and said that if you pursue this I will have to leave.
We made some temporary agreements (ones she did not keep), and started seeing a counselor. I started IC for the first time in my middle-aged life. We were however 'not aligned', as she'd say. She didnt want to give up her boyfriend, and I refused to stay if he was in the picture. I cringe to think back to how I said, 'you can maintain a friendship if you absolutely must but you must reinvest back into working on our relationship'.
This was a no-go for her for a while. She'd meet him. He'd sleep in her place of business. SHe lent him our car. (He crashed it while drunk, btw.) There was a moment when I had the kids in Puerto Rico, and she returned early for a funeral, and she went to the funeral with him and probably had sex after. Meanwhile I was stuck in an airport, trying to get home after a cancelled flight and just threw lots of money at the problem to curtail the time she had with him. She had in the three month relationship began introducing him to family friends, people who knew me.
With someone living a state away, she somehow managed to squeeze in more sex in 3 months than we'd had together in 10 years. In my mind, she was working on replacing me with AP but didn't want to separate for the sake of our kids.
Come January, she claimed to have decided to break things off. I didn't really believe her. I made a surprise visit to her place of business on a weekend, and found him there asleep on the couch with no pants on.
We had words, and despite being beside myself with rage and grief I was able to take his measure. In many ways, I wish I had met him right after D-Day. It was clear he was a narcissistic dumpster fire with pretensions of intellectuality. There were signs of some bipolar behavior. He made clear his intentions was to stay, and to convince WW to leave me. And he still had our car, and keys to her business site. (We live in a large city and don't need multiple vehicles, or even the one car if I'm honest.)
She realized where I was going due to my phone location and ran after me, but got there after I had 15 minutes with the joker. She asked him to leave, but still let him keep our car. She had no words, which has been a theme throughout our marriage. She can't easily access her feelings or articulate them, and she's afraid to express them for fear of my response. I told her after having met him, noted his instability and his intentions, i said I can no longer accept any contact between them. She reluctantly agreed.
From mid-January through to August followed a sequence of false representation of wanting to work on reconciliation and cycles of lying about not having contact. She was in love with him, she claimed, but seemed to go cold turkey overnight. She neither engaged with me nor took steps to reconcile, but claimed how difficult it was and that she was working on our relationship.
We quit the MC we started to see. We eventually found another several months later. We're still with the 2nd MC. In the meantime began a kind of surreal hellscape life for me, as she would say the barest of minimum things, and usually nothing at all about where she was, how she felt, and what was she willing to do to rebuild our relationship. She took no steps to reassure me, or show she wants me. She would say she did, but simultaneously be cold, distant, and - as i soon discovered - was still in contact with AP.
He gave her a burner phone. I found it within 2 days and threw the brand new phone into the river. Cheaters really need to not let unknown devices onto the home wifi networks of the technically literate. We had it out again, she promised to really try. A few weeks later I found unusual call patterns in our cell account. AP had provisioned a new phone number. Following that blow up was the WhatsApp phase, which really began to take the wind out of my sails.
She expressed no remorse. She was resentful of my 'intrusions into her privacy'. She genuinely thought it would be comforting to hear that the affair had nothing to do with me. She would be visibly annoyed when I asked for confirmations there had been no new contact - and even more so when in retrospect when there had been.
There were at least five discrete cycles of deception. AP escalated by getting five phone numbers and cycling through them. Towards the end, she had hid these numbers as secondary numbers of people they knew in common but didn't regularly have contact with. AP would write texts from the perspective of different personae.
Then there were the people who knew, and of those there were people who fully supported her behavior. There were people who aided and abetted it, lending her their apartments, or hoping she finds some comfort. One particularly egregious one, early on, tried to convince Amanda to really try to convince me to find someone else to be happy in an open arrangement. She's still in regular contact with this person.
The culmination of the PA/EA with the AP happened last summer. He eventually returned the car, but only after he had reclaimed it from the police impound lot. He did not pay for the repairs. Or his tolls when coming to and fro to fuck my WW. I did.
I had been fairly successful in identifying his phone numbers and having them blocked at the carrier level with some gaps in time, and diverting his email and voicemail. During ths period where all his means of contact were being closed soon after being opened, he was starting to rage and unstable. WW upon the latest confrontation (i was pretty calm and matter of fact about it) admitted she could not control her behavior, and didn't understand why she was doing it.
AP was a controlling person, with hints of WW's clinically narcissist parent. He wrote a letter and entered her business after hours to leave it. Because he wrote an email saying he was doing this, I ill-advisedly went there to call the police on him. I didn't find him, but I did find the letter. He knew I had been there - either he had been outside or he went back after I left - and complained bitterly about my interference.
His only means of influence had dropped to emails, and he just kept pounding with the short, imperative statements that described outcomes favorable to him. He had started to convince her that I was a threat to her, and trying to convince her I was a threat to our children (for whom I'd die in fire every day).
His tactical error was trying to play up his inability to contact her as a screen for concern. He tried to get the cops to perform a wellness check. He called WW's sister to convince her I was a threat, and that WW was in danger. (She told him off.)
Finally, he threatened to show up at our door with friends and 'free' her. I knew he owned a shotgun; while I didn't actually think he would show up (he had made smaller-scale threats of this kind before and I only realized they had happened days after his 'deadlines'.) I shared this new development with WW. We had agreed to handle it together. However, while I was out one day, she went to her sister's and called him to tell him she was fine but to never call or contact anyone in our family again. It was a muted, brief exchange. I was angry she hadn't stuck to our agreement.
Since then, he's only made a handful of contact attempts soon after the break that really were more for insulting me. I believe on an intellectual level they have had no contact since last summer. I emotionally continue to not feel safe about her intentions.
Since then, it's been difficult. There have been very limited conversation coming from her outside of the MC sessions, and those have trended light on her content. Very recently, she's expressed more. But it's still seemingly grounded in some unhealthy premises. Amongst them:

1. She at one pointed expressed she regretted the pain she caused, but doesn't regret the experience because (I kid you not) 'she learned so much about herself' and 'many positive elements have come out of it'. (I lost 50 pounds in the first three months post-Dday, and lately I've been hovering around 70. I did have it to lose, having used food to soothe myself over the decade of gaslighting and lack of explanation for her disengagement, and unwillingness to work on it.)
2. She continues to resent my intrusion into her phone call history. She disagrees with the oft-raised best practice of open-phone/account policies. Her feelings around her lack of privacy unsettle her, and get in the way of engaging (she says).
3. she doesn't see the value in 'forcing closeness'
4. she keeps wanting me to 'ratchet it down a notch', but it's not clear what she thinks that means
5. she finds my sadness and pain to be an impediment to rebuilding closeness
6. She claims to have read content about rebuilding marriages after infidelity, but to my knowledge she's done hardly anything to rebuild trust. I said it'd be better if you hadn't read it, because to think that you're walking around having read it but still don't do anything feels worse.
7. She has not taken lead in the reconciliation process, or really done much except endure my periodic/every-2-weeks or so expressions of disappointment and hurt and anger

I'm sure no one has read this far. This is my dilemma. What I'm trying to do here is leave no stone unturned in my efforts to save our marriage. I want to sleep well at night, and I won't be able to do that in a healthy way without going through this.
Yesterday wa the first time she said that he was responsible for destroying my world and my brain, several times over, with the elaborate deceptions (as I'm prone to describing it). I welcomed it and thanked her. But it was only precipitated by a conflict we were having about a mistake I made, where I rubbed her face in my phone snooping by adding unflattering profile pictures to the blocked contacts for the AP. (If they're not there, he could still call her and leave a voicemail when she's on wifi.)
She has had low to middling chronic health issues since April of last year, following her second round with COVID. And if it's not her, it's her parents. Or my surviving parent. Or my brother almost dying. Or the DOL is threatening to reclassify all her contractors as employees. (They should.) Everything just magically seemed to be prioritized over her talking to me.
It's literally, literally been something every other week. She's always tired, always in pain, and I really try hard to stay empathic about it. To hold a space for her. I have taken care of her when she's ill all throughout this horrible time. And she's really appreciative of how well I've supported and cared for her with no promise or signs of reciprocation.
But she still won't have sex with me, and wont talk to me about why she flinches sometimes when I touch her. Or worse, she fakes interest and then I find out otherwise later. Clearly, we have trauma to work through from before the affair. She's not intentionally being cruel. I've expressed remorse over what little she has hinted at, and want to make amends. I love her so much. It's always been my intent to die married to her, and hold our family together.
But it's getting harder to hold onto that empathy. I'm just so tired of feeling hurt, of not having my needs met, and feeling so deeply disrespected in this low-contrition (but maybe trending up) context we're living through.
She seems to evoke a sense in me that everytime I am hurt or express anger, her willingness or energy resets to near zero. Which in and of itself is newly infuriating!
My dilemma is that part of my tenacity in this ridiculous situation that saints would have left three times over already is tied to the idea that by sticking with it and not making it 'easier' for her I'm upholding my self-respect.
But am i? Am I just punishing her by saying I can't let go of my pain until she demonstrates remorse and effort? Being married, a husband and a father of simple small family is a big part of my identity.
It all went to shit a long time ago, but I never checked out. I just didn't understand what was happening, how a wife could treat their partner this way, and I didn't have the maturity or the emotional language to navigate it alone. So I grew resentful and depressed, and just low-level angry all the time. While she would just smile, and say nothing. In public, she'd be affectionate.
In private, it'd be back turned and motionless to my hunger for connection (and release). I turned inward. She, a very social, community-building gem of a human being, checked out and switched to Potemkin mode whenever anyone was looking. I felt like I was constantly being gaslit. Even when I tried to talk about our problems, she'd act as if I had said nothing at all. It was the damnest thing, and I had no words for it.
Maybe she's starting to see the light and be empathic to my pain. But, if that's what's happening, I'm just running out of steam and hope. Hope isn't necessary for me to stay the course, but motivation is beginning to lag.
Any advice?

TL;DR: I foolishly began dating my coworker who ended up lying to me several times. I finally ended up looking at her DM's and discovered what looks like plans to cheat on me and I don't know how to proceed.
Would really appreciate it if you read until the end where I have questions. Everything else is details & background.
I began casually dating a coworker who I caught feelings for. I've never been the type to have interest in more than one person so I voiced to her early on that I would like to know if she was dating other people. She reciprocated this feeling and assured me she wasn’t dating anyone else but would tell me if she did.
Things were great but we had a recurring argument about once or twice a month about how I was overstepping the casualness.
I will admit I took things too far sometimes but we also didn’t set boundaries either so the lines weren’t super clear all the time. For example, we formed habits like getting coffee in the morning, texting before bed, calling each other after work. So those habits created expectations and if there was a break in one of them, I would sometimes point it out and that would usually lead to an argument. It was mostly me who brought those things up but she would do this too, just not as much.
With a vacation coming up we both made plans to hang out before it but when the time came, she said she forgot. She had cancelled plans several times in the past and I was always understanding, but this time I expressed frustration.
I texted her that I was upset about it because I was really looking forward to spending time before the vacation. She thought I was being extremely unfair, that cancelling is normal, that we hang out all the time, etc. This led to our big talk.
We both agreed to go back to being coworkers. I said I did not want to immediately go back to being friends right away and that I wanted to keep some distance for now.
She immediately disrespected these wishes by stopping by my office to say hi the first day back (a one week vacation). I was confused but went along with it because we were at the office and I wasn't going to make a scene. A few days after that, she sent in a request for help with her workstation knowing that I was going to be assigned to it.
I didn't have time to help out that day but she showed up again at my office at the end of the day and confessed that she sent the request to get my attention and wanted to apologize. I said it's ok but that she needs to respect my wishes about keeping a healthy distance and only being coworkers.
The following week I went to help her with that issue and next thing I know we were flirting again. One of the strongest attractions was our good chemistry and that got us into trouble. So we agreed to sit and talk about things and decide what we want.
We both clearly had feelings for each other so we decided to continue dating. This was where she admitted that she had been dating other people on Hinge and out of fear of driving me away, she kept it from me. I felt betrayed and left. In hindsight, this probably should have been the end of things.
In the following couple of weeks, she apologized profusely and did a lot of thoughtful things in an attempt to make up for it. Eventually, I forgave her and tried to be understanding. I told her I would need time to rebuild trust and that if I were to move forward, I would need us to to be committed to each other to which she agreed.
Things were ok until I noticed that she was texting this one guy (bachelor #1) almost every day. So with a combination of her lying to me before and also myself having been cheated on in the past, I couldn't help but look at the locked phone screen and kept seeing his name. I also noticed a trend in the past that some of her contacts had “H” as their last initial which made me wonder if they were all people she met on hinge. Bachelor #1 had the "H" too and I asked if they met on hinge. She admitted to adding “H” to Hinge contacts but promised that bachelor #1 was not from hinge, just that she couldn’t remember his last name but knew it started with an H. I didn’t really believe her because she was incredibly vague about how they met. She says he's just a friend who they happen to have a ton in common with and talk almost every single day. I said it’s fine but asked if he at least knew that her and I were dating and he did not.
I know its normal for people to have close friends of the opposite sex but I found it odd that in all of their almost daily communication, I never came up. I couldn't help but think that it was intentionally being avoided.
I was puzzled and brought it to the table, and was told that it simply "never came up." I said I felt uncomfortable that he didn't know about me especially since I'm kind of still in this 'rebuild trust' phase. She understood and finally told him that she's "seeing some guy." So I guess I was ok with that. My 2 female friends know that I am dating her and I don't even talk to them half as much. After she told him, I let it go.
Then bachelor #2 enters the picture. This guy frequently hits on her and makes it extremely clear that he wants to fuck. I get it, guys are going to hit on beautiful women but I expect her to shut it down. And of course, the same is expected of me to shut down people hitting on me. However, with this friend of hers, instead of shutting it down, she accepts all of the compliments and allows him to continue making advances via DM's. He didn't know about me at all and only stopped once he found out because I went to the gym with her consistently enough to where he caught on that her and I were together (they go to the same gym sometimes).
So once again, it seems like she was hiding the fact that she's exclusive with someone. He stopped messaging her so I let it go but again, I'm annoyed that it was even a thing in the first place.
About another month had passed with no issues and we were doing surprisingly well so I asked her to officially be my girlfriend and she said yes.
We were both really happy but later that night, she was texting bachelor #1 right in front of me. I hate that I did this but I glanced over at her phone and saw they made plans to hang out but I didn't say anything, I didn't think too much of it. At the end of the night in bed and amid random conversation, she said she was planning to see her female friend on the day that she made plans to hang out with bachelor #1. She lied to me completely unprompted.
My chest started pounding and I said "You're lying to me" and she responds with "what? I'm so tired, go to sleep" Again I said "You are fucking lying to me." I started getting out of bed to gather my things and leave. She lunged after me, trying to grab me, asking me not to leave. I said I can't do this anymore and that I can't trust her. She started crying, apologizing, making excuses, etc. I couldn't listen to any of it so I left.
I woke up to a whole ass story of a text of how sorry she was and I didn't deserve that. She said she was just going on a walk with him and the dog she's fostering because he was thinking of adopting him. Her excuse for lying to me was that she thought it would ruin the night because I was sensitive about her friendship with him in the past.
She still went on that walk with him but she was texting me during it, called me after and invited me over for dinner. She talked to bachelor #1 about me a lot and said how much she wanted to be with me etc. They don't talk as much anymore and apparently he is now in a relationship with someone.
I bought the whole apology and continued with the relationship. I keep telling myself she didn't cheat on me and that she would never do that but I don't really know how I'm supposed to rebuild trust. I'm just kind of going with the flow at this point and trying to enjoy the time we spend together.
Once again things seem to be going ok until bachelor #3 enters the picture.
This dude lives in a different state but he sent her two free pairs of expensive-ass shoes. Normally, I would think that's pretty damn cool of him but at this point everything makes me skeptical. She told me a bit about him, that they used to work together and that he's married. Well, as of a week ago, we got into an argument about trust that started from me finding out that she doesnt ever post me on instagram. I accused her saying that there must be more people hitting on her in her DM's and she likes the attention so much that she doesn't want to broadcast that she has a boyfriend. She swore nobody was hitting on her and that doesn't happen at all. She said the only male friend of hers she talks to besides bachelor #1 was Bachelor #3. Then I asked her to show me the DM's with bachelor #3 and she said no.
I should not have done this but in the next few days I found a chance to go through her phone. This is what I saw and I have screenshots to prove it:
-He frequently hits on her saying she's hot and beautiful.
-She posted about muffins she made and he reacted with "When I visit, you'll have to bake me some" to which she ecstatically agreed.
-He then told her she should put 'baking' on her dating profile and her response was "when I make one, I will!"
(The fuck? Would this not be the time to say "I actually have a boyfriend right now"? )
-Then she asked if he was dating. He responded saying he avoids dating apps and rather meet in person and hook up from there.
(The fuck the fuck? Why are you asking a married man if he's dating?)
-Finally he asks if she's dating and she actually said yes but there was zero mention of me at all or that she has a boyfriend.
-He said he was going to be in town in June and asked her to get drinks with him. She says "Yes! Definitely!"
This is pretty damning, right? To me, it really looks like it's leading up to her cheating on me. Or am I somehow missing something?
What the fuck do I do, reddit?
I know that being in this pickle is 100% my fault and I blame no one but myself. But here I am and I would really appreciate advice on the best exit strategy.
I don't want things to end explosively and I prefer not to admit that I went through her DMs if possible. There's no possibility that she has a valid explanation for how she's speaking to Bachelor #3, right?
I've been trying to plan exit strategies and I'm thinking of simply telling her that I haven't been able to rebuild trust and that it's best to stop the relationship then leave it at that.
I'm extremely upset and hurt that she still lied to my face. Now, the vengeful part of me really wants to catch her in the act of lying to me when Bachelor #3 visits in June.
Major problem.
We still work together but in completely different departments. The working together may not last very long (she's been looking for another job). And I'm seriously considering it as well.
So here's what I need help with.
Do I allow her to explain what is going on with bachelor #3 or do I just say that I don't see myself being able to trust her again and leave it at that?
Do I wait to end things until one of us gets a different job?
Do I go for the more gratifying ending by calling her out on her bullshit and admitting that I went through her DM's or by waiting to catch her in the act when he visits?

Content Warning:Mentions of Child Abuse & Gore
They called me a colic baby, meaning I was a seemingly healthy baby that was distressed for an unknown reason. The fits of crying mostly dissipated by six months, but they'd crop up every now and then into toddler-hood. When I became capable of babbling a few words, I would summarize my pain in a few words: belly hurt. Belly HURT!
My parents didn't have much money, but they took me to the doctor for a checkup anyway. After running a physical exam and blood test, they determined that I was merely an excessively gassy little girl and should probably eat a more gut-friendly diet. They also prescribed some medicine which would eliminate the gas and relieve my pain.
It was from that moment on that my parents gave me the nickname "Gas Girl" (which I despised). The name stuck for several years, and anytime I'd get a little stomach ache my mom or dad would say, "uh, oh. It's not Gas Girl returning, is it?" I'd glare at them with my arms folded and pout, saying, "I'm not Gas Girl. I'm Wonder Girl!" My parents would share a look, then burst out laughing. Just as I was about to shout a retort, my dad would open up his arms and bend down in that familiar pose which signaled liftoff, and all my childish rage detached like a racing sticker as I leaped into my dad's arms and he flew me around the living room shouting "Who is it? It's Wonder-girl! Here to save the day from Gas Girl!"
Anyway, just as the nickname wore off, the pain returned. I was about 7 or 8 when I had my first big episode. I was in second grade, and the class was cutting out shapes. The pain came on so suddenly I remember lurching back and falling out of my seat. The next few hours were a blur of adults: my teacher, the nurses, the principal, my parents. I remember how cold and alone I felt despite being surrounded by grown ups, and my stomach hurt so much I was crying pretty much nonstop.
My dad bought a bunch of OTC medicine to try and settle what he thought was a really bad gas episode. My mom laid at the side of my bed and did bicycles in the air with me. Hours passed in pain as my adolescent imagination conjured up images of an evil little elf blowing thousands of bubbles in my belly. I consciously pictured myself popping them, but every time I did, more were blown. My dad scheduled a doctor's appointment for the next morning, and my mom stayed at my side until I was able to fall asleep sometime late in the night.
I dreamed vividly a horrific nightmare. I was strapped to a black, metal box. A surgeon donning blue scrubs with white gloves and a mask entered the space in my peripheral vision. The air was cold but crisp, as if every bit of dust had been scrubbed out of existence. I could feel my breathing, my heartbeat, even my skin. The doctor stepped forward and I could see the distortion of a smirk in the folds of his mask. I expected him to say something, to tell me what he wanted, but instead he lifted my shirt so my belly was exposed. "It's cold", I said in a mumbly voice. He lifted his hand in the air, and I saw behind it off in the back of the room was what looked like the glass wall of an aquarium. I was confused for a second, but only a second. The surgeon plunged his hand into my stomach like a spear, splitting through the flesh as if it were the skin of a ripe fruit. The previously silent man began to cackle like a maniacal villain as I nearly passed out from the pain. I felt his fingers swimming through my guts like parasitic worms. My body shook as cold sweat and blood began to ooze from my pores. I wanted to scream but I couldn't make a sound. I could only lay there, paralyzed, as the evil doctor explored my insides.
Somehow I lost consciousness in the dream, but when I woke up, the memory came flooding back, and I screamed with all the force of a thunderstorm. My parents skipped the appointment and rushed me to immediate care, but by the time we arrived, the pain was gone. I explained my dream to the doctor, but he said it was normal to dream up reasons for the pain. They recommended a CT scan to screen out the possibility of an ulcer or internal bleeding. Despite my parents' scarce savings, they agreed to run the test. However, something deeply entrenched in my mind thought of the dream with the surgeon and I protested. "I don't want a test!" I screamed. "But, honey, how are we going to know what's wrong?" replied my mom. "Nothing's wrong now. I don't want a test."
Looking back now on my persistence, it should have been obvious that there was something wrong with me, but my parents, who were thinking of their finances, allowed themselves to acquiesce to my demands. The pain would continue into and throughout my teenage years, and the one benefit that I can credit to it was that it taught me how to endure pain and hide it well before puberty started. Compared to my childhood cramps, period cramps were around a B+. Very bad, but not end of the world bad. However, they'd stick around more reliably, and eventually the two began to combine until I could no longer discern between them. Occasionally I would have a nightmare and wake up with a pain that was a little higher in my stomach, almost approaching my chest, but it would always disappear by breakfast time, and the chaos of a teenage girl's life would once again reassert itself in the form of an outfit that didn't look quite right or the memory of every word of a conversation with a guy I liked or how my teacher was out to get me. Basically, I had become normal.
And then two weeks after I turned 16, my dad passed away from heart failure. Apparently the stress from a paycheck-to-paycheck life in sales added onto a bad diet and a penchant for alcohol was a recipe for disaster. He was only 49. I was crushed.
The weeks and months following his funeral were filled with teenage anger and resentment. I directed most of it at my mom, who I held accountable for not being strong enough to step up and help with the bills. One day, when I was searching the drug cabinet for some painkillers to deal with some bad cramping, I noticed a new prescription for a drug with a really long name. I looked it up. It was an antidepressant. From that moment on I stopped giving my mom shit, but I grew a bit distant from her. I started spending a lot more time with my friends. I became reckless, adopting a drinking habit and unsafe sex practices. I smoked a bit but I didn't really like it. I guess I was just trying to find a way to move on, as naive as it was.
Fast forward to my present situation, and I'm a college student. A junior to be exact. I ended up scrounging up enough money from working two restaurant jobs to see a therapist on my own dime, and managed to make peace with my mom before leaving. We both talked out all of our trauma and cried together, and from that moment on, I haven't had a drink. About six months ago I got on the pill. I was starting to see one guy consistently and I wanted to be safe, but also I wanted to know what it felt like to not have stomach cramps anymore. It was freeing. I remembered my dad lifting me up into the air as a child, and I figured it kinda felt like that. I still cry thinking about him, although I don't let anyone see.
Anyway, about a week ago I started having really bad pain again, but this time it was in my chest. I would wake up in my apartment (I share a 3-bedroom with some friends from the college) with heart palpitations. My heart felt like a snake had wrapped around it and was trying to choke it out. The pressure would give way to a burst of fast ba-dum's, then settle, then start again. I remembered my dad's prognosis and started to get really scared, so I scheduled an appointment with the on-campus doctor for the next day through the online health platform.
They told me that chest pain is no joke and scheduled to have me scanned at a nearby hospital. This was four days ago. My boyfriend, Kevin, drove me there even though I said I'd be fine going alone. I think I already knew our relationship wasn't going to work out long term, so I was kind of checked out. I felt bad about it though because Kev is actually a really good person, but our personalities just don't match. He's very introverted and doesn't like to go out, whereas I thrive in group settings. Anyway, he drove me and I ended up getting an X-ray. The doc came in to share the results and I was immediately put off by the dubious expression on his face.
"What do you mean the images are blurry?" I asked.
"Well, it's just… that. They're blurry. It's very unusual for this to happen unless you have a pacemaker or some other device implanted. Do you know if you have something like that?"
"No, never," I said with a quaver in my voice. For some reason I thought back on my childhood dream with the surgeon and felt the urge to vomit.
"Well, let's run a CT scan and see if we can make anything out." He soothed.
Normally the CT and MRI dock was booked for a week out but the doctor happened to have an open space for me that same morning, so I waited about an hour and then got in the big tube machine that took pictures of my chest and abdomen. He said he should have the results by Thursday. That was Yesterday.
I was driving onto campus for my 9AM class when I got the call.
"Hello, this is Dr. **** calling for Josie **** ." (names redacted for privacy reasons)
"Oh, yes, this is Josie," I said and fit the phone between my shoulder and ear as I tried to find a comfortable posture."
"Yes, hello," the male doctor said in grave way which made me feel like this wasn't going to be a short call. "I wanted to see if you were available to come in today for some more tests."
"More tests?" I asked. "What about the first ones?" Images of blocked heart valves and cancer presented themselves on my mental screen.
"Yes, well, I wanted to discuss the results with you in person. There was a bit of a … well, an inconsistency, and I didn't want to upset you—"
"Upset me!?" I blurted, my free hand flying out over the steering wheel, swerving my car toward the curb. I corrected, then lowered my voice, "sorry, I don't mean to be …" be, what? This is completely absurd. "Could you at least give me some indication of what's wrong with me? I'm just kind of panicking here."
The doctor was quiet for a moment, then returned. "Sorry, Josie, I didn't mean to spook you. Both the X-ray scan and CT scan are picking up interference which is unusual. It's possible it's just a flaw on our end, so that's why we wanted you to come back in—to do an MRI and really verify what the issue is. This one would be free of charge and we'd get you results same-day as we feel bad about the issues with the machinery. Do you think that would be possible?"
I took a deep breath. I still felt uneasy, but at least now there was some kind of explanation I could lean on. "Okay, yeah, I can come in. I have class until 9:50AM, but I can drive over after and be there around 10:15, 10:20-ish. Would that work?"
"That would work great. We'll see you then."
I spent the whole of my communications class thinking about what could be wrong with me, doodling my ideas down on a notebook. Heart disease. Cancer. Some kind of peptic ulcer. Maybe it was the pill? The drinking? Was this some kind of cosmic retribution? I didn't know.
An hour later I was back at the hospital. I expected to be ushered into the MRI prep room, but instead I found myself in one of the normal patient rooms, sitting upright on a bed. The nurse did the preliminary height and weight measurements and medical history. I asked about the MRI, but all she said was that the doctor will discuss that with me. Before she left, she handed me an assessment to fill out. It seemed to be a list of questions about the medical history of my family, specifically about our mental health. Does your family have a history of Schizophrenia? Have there been any instances of domestic abuse? Did you have vivid nightmares as a child? Etc. I marked the boxes, then set the clipboard down.
At last I heard the fated knock on the door, and my doctor came in holding an Ipad. The door was only open for maybe a couple seconds, but I could see multiple nurses and technicians peeking their heads in my direction, as if they were trying to catch a glimpse of me. That can't be good.
"Hello, Josie," the doctor said and clicked on the little TV screen. He didn't even look at me. I could see dried sweat along his hairline.
"What's happening? I thought I was going to get an MRI…"
"Well, actually we aren't sure if that's the best course of action." the doctor said as he clicked the screen and pulled up a series of images.
"Can you look at me, please?" I snapped.
The doctor raised his head and tilted it in my direction. His mouth was agape, his eyes wide as if only realizing I was here at that moment. "I'm sorry, Josie." He took a deep breath, preparing some kind of canned presentation, then let it out and said, "It's just easier if I show you." He pulled up the first global image from what I presume was my CT scan. It was a front-shot. I could see my organs as little geometric shapes and—
"Wait, what is that?" I asked, pointing at the screen.
"That—is the problem."
I spent the next minute just staring at it. Somehow, in between all of the organs, there was some kind of cylindrical mass—I thought it was my spine at first but quickly realized it was too wide and there weren't any vertebrae—and at the head of the mass was, very clearly, a hand.
"What the fuck is that" I said in a tone that was at once forceful and pointed.
"It appears," the doctor started, looking away again. "It appears that there is a mechanical hand in your chest cavity. It's attached to a piece of a forearm that begins at your stomach, here," he pointed, "and continues up until, well, it appears to be holding your heart."
Ten seconds passed in silence. Then I was hit with the equivalent of the laughing gas they give you at the Dentist's office. All the blood in my body surged to my forehead and I felt light as the very thin hospital air. "Hahaha!!! You expect me to believe that? What kind of fucking clown-show hospital is this? Am I at the circus?' I stood up and started toward the door. The doctor body blocked me.
"Please, Josie, that isn't it."
"Oh?" I said sarcastically. "Please, do tell."
"Could you have—oh, okay, okay,, let me explain."
I stood there with my arms folded, unrelenting.
"When we first had you do the X-ray there was a big blur. It was clear that something was blocking us from seeing the image. The CT scan was able to take some actual pictures of it. I know it seems, well, unusual—"
"Wait, what the hell is that?" I asked, gesturing toward the clipboard.
"What?" The doctor looked disoriented.
"Those questions. Are you trying to insinuate that my mom and dad implanted some kind of mechanical hand in my body?"
"No," the doctor raised his hands. "We were just trying to gather some more information… Josie," the doctor said as I once again headed for the door handle. "Please, there's more. From the blood test we conducted it seems that you're pregnant."
I was so done. "I'm on the pill, asshole." I sneered and swung the door open, ignoring the sets of eyes trained on me as I scurried to the end of the hall, ran outside, and climbed into my car. I expected to see a bunch of people in white coats running after me, but there was no one. I started the car as tears began to stream from my eyes. Fuck them, I thought and sped out of the parking lot.
I couldn't return to my apartment. I ended up driving for hours, working my way back to my hometown. I spent a long time thinking about all the things I had experienced growing up. The stomach pain, slowly working its way up to my chest. The vivid dream of the surgeon feeling around my guts. Was it really that crazy to think my body was trying to tell me something? Why had I decided against having a CT scan all those years ago? Why now? I didn't—couldn't believe what was happening to me. But was that just because I didn't want to believe it?
And then there was the pregnancy. I was definitely on the pill. I knew it wasn't Kev's, or at least I was pretty sure it wasn't. We haven't been having sex for a little over a month now. But did that mean that something else didn't impregnate me? My paranoia was at its peak. I considered the possibility that maybe it was me that was Schizophrenic. None of this made any sense. I wanted my dad. I missed him. I considered going to see my mom, but despite making up with her, I still didn't feel close enough to her to own up to everything. I wanted to be alone—needed to be alone.
I ended up getting a Motel about 10 minutes away from my house. It was around 1AM when I finally opened the door to my room and laid down on the bed. After hours of thinking, a single thought occurred to me like a kind of defense mechanism: if I really am pregnant, I'm not keeping the baby. I want it out.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard the notification sound go off on my phone, which was odd since I was sure I had set it to vibrate. I turned and grabbed it, unplugging it from its charging dock. I had received a text message from an unknown, 5-digit number: 66669. This is what it said.
66669: If you terminate my baby, I will crush your heart.
***
I haven't been able to sleep since. It's now 6AM and I've drafted this as a cry for help. Please, let me know what you think I should do. I'm too "in it" to see the details clearly. I feel alone and scared and paranoid. Someone or something is watching me. Maybe it has been my whole life.

The general philosophy of the group it's that you call someone when you're struggling and are in danger of relapsing. Your mate will try and talk you out of relapsing and it's a common practice. There's a new guy in my group and he's struggling really bad, about to get send to jail and be homeless so we're really trying to help him. He now has the habit of calling me 2-3 times a week to tell me random stuff and sometimes her mother will take the phone and talk to me. I have a boyfriend (27M) he knows how the group works but is a little weirded out. I don't think he puts me in any danger of relapsing and of course I only have interaction with him because he calls me and ask me to help him, but I have this moral dilemma because I feel bad not taking his calls because it's part of my group dynamic but don't want to make my boyfriend uncomfortable or make something inappropriate. This guy knows I have a bf because I talk about him when I share in the group and have a photo with my boyfriend as my WhatsApp profile picture. Obvious I don't intend of anything with this guy but I can see how it could look weird to have some other guy had a weird emotional dependency on your girlfriend . I feel very guilty ignoring his calls knowing the repercussions because I've literally stopped him from relapsing some days.

I am on a journey of figuring out why my brain works the way it does and what I can do to live an actual life. I am fairly certain that I have issues with ADHD and I’m even more certain now considering I’m fairly certain that one of my parents has it, but there is also autism in the extended family and my mother deals with some learning disabilities as well as some traits that could come as a more “high functioning” (I am fully aware that this is not the term that is preferred, but genuinely cannot think of a better term at the moment, as I’m not fully sure I would contribute her behavior as possibly high masking. I promise I also do not agree with this phrasing as somebody who has dealt with mental health issues, my entire life.)
I was considered a gifted kid, even though I was super shy and quiet throughout school, which was summed up to social anxiety by my teachers and parents. Looking through my old report cards, trying to find some notes from teachers or a pattern in grades or test scores I found that all of my teachers would report on how well-behaved I was and quiet.
My mother said that I was able to read before kindergarten, however, my kindergarten teacher at the time of beginning kindergarten reported that I was below where I should be in regards to naming letters and sounds.
In first grade, I struggled with reading, but also had a teacher report that I showed talent in language arts.
In second grade, I seemed to do pretty well in math (which didn’t feel true at the time) and according to the Stanford achievement test I took at age 7, Seem to range more in the 90th percentile when it came to reading and literary subjects.
In third grade, I scored at level five in my reading on the FCC. My score was 2004 compared to the grade level 1198. For math I was level four with a score of 1689, with the grade level score being 1269. I made bees and language arts and A’s in reading. Overall, I was meeting grade level expectations as far as classes went though.
I got into honors classes in middle school and because I had already gotten my first English credit, I was in advanced starting in high school. By the time I was a sophomore I had a become able to do virtual school because at this point, in middle school I had missed so much school and constantly did not want to go to school for reasons I can only assume involved my social anxiety, but I have fully dissociated so I don’t really remember.
What are your experiences in school and being considered a “gifted child?” Did you excel from the beginning and falter later in school or have you stayed excelling, or did you excel in the middle of your school career and then drop back down? I would love to hear your experiences better education is at all correlated with the experience if somebody in this community.

I am on a journey of figuring out why my brain works the way it does and what I can do to live an actual life. I am fairly certain that I have issues with masking ADHD and am looking over ASD.
I was considered a gifted kid, even though I was super shy and quiet throughout school, which was summed up to social anxiety by my teachers and parents. Looking through my old report cards, trying to find some notes from teachers or a pattern in grades or test scores I found that all of my teachers would report on how well-behaved I was and quiet.
My mother said that I was able to read before kindergarten, however, my kindergarten teacher at the time of beginning kindergarten reported that I was below where I should be in regards to naming letters and sounds.
In first grade, I struggled with reading, but also had a teacher report that I showed talent in language arts.
In second grade, I seemed to do pretty well in math (which didn’t feel true at the time) and according to the Stanford achievement test I took at age 7, Seem to range more in the 90th percentile when it came to reading and literary subjects.
In third grade, I scored at level five in my reading on the FCC. My score was 2004 compared to the grade level 1198. For math I was level four with a score of 1689, with the grade level score being 1269. I made bees and language arts and A’s in reading. Overall, I was meeting grade level expectations as far as classes went though.
I got into honors classes in middle school and because I had already gotten my first English credit, I was in advanced starting in high school. By the time I was a sophomore I had a become able to do virtual school because at this point, in middle school I had missed so much school and constantly did not want to go to school for reasons I can only assume involved my social anxiety, but I have fully dissociated so I don’t really remember.
What are your experiences in school and being considered a “gifted child?” Did you excel from the beginning and falter later in school or have you stayed excelling, or did you excel in the middle of your school career and then drop back down? I would love to hear your experiences better education is at all correlated with the experience if somebody in this community.

As the world faded away into nothing but a dark void, Tom felt the only mildly familiar sensation of magic flowing like a gentle stream. It wasn’t much of a draw, but it was certainly noticeable.
“Right, best make this quick then,” he tried thinking to himself, feeling the flow peak as he did.
“Who is this? Make what quick?” an ethereal sounding female voice replied. It did sound a bit like how he remembered Joelina sounding. Though she did not exactly sound calm.
“Uhm… Hello? Anyone there?”
“Yes hello. Who is this? What must be done quick? Answer me at once!”
“It’s Tom… Is that you, Joelina?”
“Yes of course it is! Stupid dragons taking ages, I have questions for you! So many questiiioooonssss...”
“Yeah I figured that… Fire away I suppose.” Tom replied a little uncertainly as to just what he might be in for.
“Firstly! Did you read the letters?”
“I did yeah…”
“Disregard them, I have learned much since they were written! So much more yes, cursed blessed knowledge…”
“So you do know we have gone to space then?”
“What? No, I re-experienced the memory you had of the movie about the moon mission. It was evident on the second watching that it was trickery of the eye! Spaceflight is but a myth!”
“Riiight.”
“Then how have your kind visited space? And what of the gods above!? it was evident that the woman with the crystals was but a fraud!” Joelina explained with all the calm and restraint of a shoppingmall Karen
“Well the rockets to the moon, that did happen.” Tom attempted, doing his best to remain calm and diplomatic. “The movie you saw was probably a recreation… Tell me, did things go wrong on that trip but they made it home anyway?”
“Yes, do you know of what I speak? Ahr what am I proclaiming! of course you do it is your own memories, how could I forget.”
“Yea…, you watched a movie about Apollo 13 I think. Good movie, and that all happened too. Like for real happened”
“I see…” Joelina replied, sounding rather unstable. “And what of the gods?”
“We ain’t got any. Well not in space at least.”
“Impossible!”
“No, quite possible. Many still believe in gods though, but let’s not get into that too much. It’s a right old mess.”
“No, you must tell me what happened to the gods? Have they left you?”
“Well some think so, but no. I just think it all works a bit different for us. They might be a little more hands off.”
“But the churches… and these religious warriors you did battle with,” the inquisitor all but muttered to herself, sounding like she was struggling to put pieces together. “Do Jesus and Islam fight for power then? no no, they would have long since lost the battles to the ancient gods of war the teachers spoke of… though why they were always naked eludes me yeeees…”
“No, again we don’t really have gods just floating around... Could we please talk about something else? Or is that all you wanted to know?” Tom tried, hoping he really didn’t have to dive deeper into that particular subject.
“No no don’t you dare cut me off! I have seen what you talked of, nuclear fire and missiles, ships of the oceans and planes soaring in the skies. But is it not all fake? Surely it must be! It must be? It must be…”
“I don’t know what you saw… but we have ships sailing around. If you’ve ever seen flying ships like you have here then that’s fake I can assure you of that. We do have airships, but they look more like really big long balloons.”
“But we could make such vessels, or someone could from times past. If you can visit the moon then surely you can make a ship for the skies!”
“No no, we ain’t got grav oil. Or dragon essence as I guess it’s called. That means no anti gravity, and that means weight is a very very big problem for anything you wanna make fly. Planes and helicopters are how we fly. Remember how I flew to Afghanistan on a big ass plane? Or when I learned to parachute later?”
“What is parachute? is it the ham from your times doing, vacationing? what has dried meat products got to do with flying machines of battle!”
“Wooo easy now easy. I guess you didn’t get that far yet. Uhm. It’s a cloth kite you dangle from and then glide to the ground. Very good fun.”
“A cloth kite used to fly?... such strange inventions. Wait was there not a movie of with something of that nature? yeeee… there was a song. I liked that song… something something brains upon his chute. Yeesss…”
“Yeah… You’ll know it when you see it. I have one actually.” Tom clarified trying not to get too weirded out.
“You must demonstrate on a suitable occasion.”
“Yeah… I do have a question too though,” Tom replied, letting silence reign for a short time. “...Your last letter was in Danish.”
“Oh, uhm yes. I- I was having some difficulty separating what was real and what was not… I still am. Do not tell Glazz, she musten know the truth yet. She seeks to limit my excursions.”
“You’ve ended up like I did, have you?”
“No no no, the effects do indeed recede as expected, everything is in good order… But I had to know more. So so much moooore.”
“Maybe you should cool it a bit. You never know when a brain snaps. Or how,” Tom tried, confident his advice would be ignored.
“There is not time!”
“And why is that? How is it going in our beloved Inquisition?”
“Mind your tongue, human! Things are progressing, but so are our enemies. Infiltrators have been caught, traitors within our ranks are making their moves. The reemergence of Rashan, attacks on mines, keeps and a daring heist attempt at a Royal Guard fortress! The game is afoot, we cannot delay.”
“You can’t overreach yourself either. Weren’t you supposed to be winning over the rest of the inquisition right about now? Can’t do that as a gibbering mess.”
There was silence for a while more after that. “Glazz sent you a letter? What did it say?! You may not keep secrets from me- wait not… I should confiscate her arm… she cannot write with her left. Yes far better plan, avoid upsetting him. And fill her pen with invisible ink. Yes very good.”
“No, it’s just obvious to any idiot. But what about winter, won’t things slow down?”
“They should, yet as autumn progresses it has only been picking up. I hope they too are running out of time… But time for what? I must know what they are planning. They might be behind schedule. But what SCHEDULE! sorry…”
“Well you’re not gonna find the answer to that in my memories, now are you?”
“You were sent by someone. You are here for a purpose. I must know this purpose. It will help me understand. The puzzle is large and much of the box kept from me.”
“As far as I’m concerned, I’m here to help you guys get in gear. That’s a decades to centuries long sorta problem, not a couple of years. Sounds like this war will be in the couple of years category.”
“Then why now? Why did you arrive now?!”
“Shitty luck? Sounds like 10 years ago would have been a lot better… Oh on that note, did you hear? We found something down below.”
“No, Paulin would have told me.”Joelina dismissed, he could almost feel her turning her snout up and away from him.
“Well we opened the vault like 3 days ago,” Tom replied, quite surprised Paulin hadn’t said anything. “Wait yeah she can send you messages, no? She sent the message about what we wanted to buy too, didn’t she?... How did she do that by the way? Why didn’t you just have her ask me questions?”
“That is not for you to know, and this is not for her.”
“Really? More secrets still? Come on, tell me or I’ll let you think flying whales exist.”
“I know those are not real. If they were, you would have harvested them long ago! likely for some deranged snack… or facial decoration.”
“True, but you get the idea,” Tom persisted, feeling like this was something worth pushing for. Why would Paulin not have let her precious Joelina know?
“Very well. This does not leave your mind… In the name of, what was it called… camaraderie. Paulin is in possession of joined paper. Messages may be written down and read by anyone with similarly joined paper. Unsecured. Originally believed to be fore love letters… dastardly studs and wenches using perfectly good magic for such trivialness… simply tie the message to a rock and throw it though the window. Most peasants cannot even afford glass” Joelina trailed off, seemingly zoning out once more.
“You have magical paper that can relay written information… and you don’t fucking use it!?” Tom explaimed, not quite believing what he was hearing.
“No, we do not know how to make freshly bonded paper… only more linked to all other paper in existence…” Joelina agreed. He could almost feel her looking at the floor in shame. “But it is not as if you are infallible, why did you not bring one of these radios?”
“I uhm…”
“Why didn’t you?!”
“I forgot,” Tom admitted, thinking back to his packing days. Of all the things that could have proven useful, that one might have been his biggest blunder.
“For the love of all that is holy! You are our saviour?!” Joelina scolded, understandably so, but still.
“Hey I never claimed to be smart!”
“I have lived your dreams. That is a lie! You very much claim to be smart!”
“Fuck off, I know you are just a scared little insecure girl.”
“She died 30 years ago!”
“Well I haven’t gotten to that bit yet!”
“What in the devils do you mean?” Joelina questioned calming right down in a fraction of a second.
“I’ve only had like three proper dreams about you… wait no, not like that,” Tom blurted out as it clicked just how wrong that sounded. Joelina didn’t seem to care in the slightest though.
“Three? That is it!?” going right back to outrage.
“Yeah… Wait, how many have you had?” Tom questioned. He rather wanted to know just how much she might know about him in addition to the memories she had already picked through when inside his head.
“Several a day!” the inquisitor exclaimed in reply.
“Okay, I can see how that would drive someone a bit mad.”
“I am not going mad!”
“Did Glazz say the same thing?” Tom questioned, quite certain he was striking a nerve.
There was no reply for quite some time, Tom feeling the headache growing as things grew tranquil once more. He could feel his breath. It was rapid, and his heart was pounding. He probably shouldn’t do this for much longer. Thus he endeavored to break the silence.
“You probably should listen to her you know.”
“No! These matters are above her station!”
“Hasn’t she been in the Inquisition longer than you?”
“She has yes. But she is no inquisitor. She is a body guard.”
“Seems like she is a wee bit more than that,” Tom pushed on. He didn’t yet know how those two came to stick together, but it was clear they had been working together for decades by now. All the way since she was assigned to Harvik
“Mind your own matters, human.”
“Very well, don’t think I can keep this up anyway.”
“We have barely been chatting! Where do the dogs come from?!”
“Selective breeding for thousands of years. But I’m gonna go. Take a break, do what Glazz says… even if Jacky hates her.”
Yet more silence followed that, though it was brief and Joelina was the first to speak again.
“Fine! In the interest of cooperation I shall let you rest. Wear the earring at all times, I shall be contacting you again soon.”
“I think I’m gonna be the judge of that. I’ll put it on when I feel like it.”
“You will do as I say!”
“You need a nap and a bit to calm down. I’ll give you three days. Around noon. See yah… How do I get this thing off?”
“I’m not telling you,” Joelina grumped like a little girl. She really didn’t seem quite like herself at all today. She had been the spitting image of restraint and arrogance before. The arrogance was still there, but the restraint had certainly gone.
“Come on, do I just try to cut off the magic or is that a bad idea?”
“If you answer a question I might answer.”
“Right then… Gimme gimme gimme aaaa-”
“JUST CUT IT! Farewell!” she called out loud enough Tom’s head pulsed and then there was blissful silence once more.
“Hehe. That did the trick, right concentrate on that funny feeling aaan-”
__________________________________________________________________________________
After dinner had been rounded up, Dakota had given a brief address as to some of the news received. There wasn’t much that hadn’t already made the rounds at the tables during the dinner itself. The war had been expanding, recruitment had started in full in the cities, and if not for the rather special situation at Bizmati they could have expected their banners to get called by spring.
Rumors had it that the kingdom was preparing itself for counterstrikes the following spring, which meant training through the winter for many volunteers.
“And a lot of not so volunteers,” Fengi muttered as Dakota carried on with the address.
“You can say that twice. At least the street rats might get something to eat and a place to sleep,” Tirox the trader escort added.
“I suppose that is true. Not a bad deal in winter time… I might even have taken it.”
“But we must instead keep our minds on our home,” Dakota carried on, talking to the whole hall. “There can be no mistake, we will be a target. We will be ready. They are getting bolder by the day it seems. It is not impossible they may attempt to take our keep before the winter comes. Or perhaps they will be waiting for spring. It is equally clear their forces are spread thin. We will weather such assaults, I have no doubt. But we must keep training. We must keep vigil. We cannot afford to be surprised or outmatched. I know you will all do your best. And tonight, we have no less than 4 dragons here. So breathe easy, have your snacks and your drinks. If the weather holds soon we will be finished with the warehouse and then we may make final preparations for winter. It is sure to be an interesting one for once.”
The hall replied with a half-discordant cheer, not overly enthusiastic unlike what Dakota had likely envisioned. The talk of them possibly getting attacked even before the snow came wasn’t really that encouraging. But Dakota tended to speak her mind, and she was probably right. Bizmati keep would be a damn tough nut to crack. And to Dakota’s credit she did seem to recognize she hadn’t really managed to rile them up.
“Didn’t you hear me?” she tried again in a slightly more humorous tone. “Eat, drink, and have fun! And put those tables together, don’t want you brooding in your corners.”
That did get a bit more of a reaction, as well as some good humored chuckles. People started getting up and set about moving the tables closer together.
It was a little rude to split up their guests in the same way as they normally did. Saph carried one of the benches over to the new spot, glancing around for any sign of Maiko, but there was no sign of him anywhere.
Feeling a little miffed, she sat down with the others as Ray came back with one of the small kegs of cider looking very excited. “We should have a taste, right?”
“Oh yes please!” Pho called out, Essy giving her a slight slap on the wrist.
“This one is only for those who paid for it. You will have to do with whatever you bought. Or the ale I’m sure they intend to serve.”
“Aww man. Not even a sip?”
“Okay, maybe a sip,” Essy relented. “Oh, I should get Koko his gift.”
“You got him a gift?” Saph questioned with mirth in her voice.
“Of course, that is what people do for each other… you did get Maiko something, right?”
Saph felt her expression slip a little as she prepared to disappoint their chief people person. “No, not really…”
“All that money and you didn’t get him shit? That’s cold girl,” Pho laughed, clearly finding it hilarious.
“Oh shut up, not as if I got something for Unkai either,” Fengi added, springing to Sapphire’s defence, though it seemed like the delivery had Fengi second guessing herself as well.
Esmeralda did look a little saddened by the news, but she was far too nice to say anything. Tirox however had no such filter.
“Oh don’t worry about it, just gotta go with a different sort of gift.” The diminutive guard laughed heartily at his joke. Udanti found it quite funny as well, and Pho certainly loved it. Bo just shook her head a little and went back to a small puzzle of some sort she had been working on, on and off, for most of the dinner by now.
“So uhm… One mug each?” Ray questioned, having been left hanging at the keg.
“Oh yes sorry, just the one, this stuff is expensive,” Saph replied, holding out her mug, Ray pushing it back down.
“One moment.” And she produced a wooden mallet and one of the metal taps. It looked like one of Raulf’s, so it was probably old as faded dragonscales.
Ray gingerly placed it against the cork and raised the mallet as the table fell silent in anticipation.
With a whack the tap went in clean with hardly a drop spilled, and Ray breathed a visible sigh of relief. “Right there we go.”
There was a quick round of cheers from the table, and Ray started pouring servings.
“Oh got yours open, have you?” the voice of Balethon came as the guard came walking up to the table, mug in hand and lizard on shoulder. “You all know we are gonna have to work out who got the better stuff, right?”
“Oh does it always have to be a competition with you, Balethon?” Saph questioned. She had just wanted to enjoy the cider.
“Look who is talking… And yeah of course we do! Just think of the bragging rights.”
Ray didn’t look too thrilled, nor did any of the girls who had actually paid for the keg. The rest of the table seemed to think it was a brilliant idea, even as Balethon’s voice carried and heads started to turn as people started to mingle between the now closely together tables.
“I’ll be the independent adjudicator!” Tirox declared, not receiving much attention as the full mugs started to get passed around. “Oh come on. I’ll be fair!”
“Shut it pipsqueak, you’ll end up taking 10 rounds of tastings before you make up your mind,” Udanti scolded, though in good humor.
“I might…” the guy relented, looking to Balethon. “Ey, by the way. Did you teach the brainlet any tricks?”
“Sure, Skitters can do a few things.”
“Aside from chasing the food?”
“You know what I think he might yeah,” Balethon replied sarcastically, gently tapping the static lizard twice on the head. The lizard didn’t do much save skitter about on his shoulder to face Balethon’s head, one eye pointing in whichever direction.
‘That thing just looks so dumb,’ Saph thought to herself as Ray handed her a mug. “Oh thank you.”
“Okay, Skitters. Up,” Balethon went, raising a claw into the air as if he wanted the lizard to jump. Or perhaps stand up. “Up… come on.”
There was no reaction from the lizard aside from it jerking to the left a bit, possibly having spotted a fly or something.
“Weeeell obedience might need some work,” Udanti chuckled. “Have you tried with some food in your hand?”
“Sure, then he just tries to eat the hand. Come on, Skitters. Up!” Balethon tried again, doing the gesture once more. And this time the little lizard jumped into the air. The little legs stretched out, taking its pitiful excuse for wings with it, and it half-fell half-glided to the floor where it hit with all the grace of a 6 year old on his first lesson. The slightly fat lizard bounced once, then rolled over twice before coming to a stop, looking around confused.
“Aaayyy! That’s a good boi,” Balethon went, going to pick it up again before someone stepped on it or it ran off under the tables. “And now you get a treat.” True to his word Skitters was fed a small piece of something or other which it seemed quite happy to snap up.
Fengi leaned in to whisper to Saph. “Was that the trick or did it just get sick of staying there?”
“I have no idea,” Saph replied, holding up her mug. “Cheers though.”
“Cheers,” Fengi replied as they clinked mugs.
“Oh hang on now, wait for me,” Essy protested as Ray finished pouring her mug and started on her own, looking to the girls as she questioned “Oh, also what about Jacky? Should we wait for her?”
“Who knows how long that will take?” Fengi replied, holding her mug impatiently.
“I’m sure she won’t mind. She is with Tom. We’ll let him have a mug as well,” Essy added with a reassuring nod, looking up to the high table. “Oh but we are missing Lin!”
“Oh right yeah she paid too… I can’t remember, did Edita chip in?”
“I don’t think so,” Sapphire replied, shaking her head as Essy got up to go fetch Linkosta. Balethon decided to take her place, a big grin on his face.
“So what else is going on over here?”
“Oh not much, hellooo little guy,” Pho went, trying to give skitters a scritching. In exchange he tried to eat her finger. “Oh… I mean I guess it doesn’t hurt.”
“Oh yeah, he can’t hurt a fly… well he can, but nothing more.”
“Shame he won’t get any bigger either,” Udanti added, nodding sagely. “Would have made a good rat hunter.”
“Nah… toe hunter though. Also where is the ale at?”
“Oh Raulf and Wiperna are getting ale and some of the bubble beer.”
“What is bubble beer?” Udanti questioned, tilting her head.
“Oh you’ll love it,” Saph interjected, waiting patiently as she saw Essy and Linkosta returning to the table out of the corner of her eye. “It’s an ale but it’s all fizzy.”
“Riiight… I’ve heard of fizzy beers before.”
“Oh yes, but this one is so much more fizzy.”
“It’s light and almost springlike.”
“Light ale? You mean for kids?”
“No no no. Just trust us it’s good.”
“Right right, I trust you,” the archer replied, looking to Essy and Linkosta, who seemed to be looking for a place to sit. “Should we not just put two end to end rather than this scrunching up business?”
“Yeah we should… Right get the craftsman table over here then. We don’t wanna have to smell the guards,” Saph called out, holding up her mug.
“Hey! That was uncalled for,” Balethon protested as Ray passed a mug to Linkosta. The girls all raised their mugs and had a sip, not willing to wait any longer. They all smacked their chops a little, looking down at the golden liquid. It was slightly fizzy too… and it tasted like the brew of the gods themselves. Ray was looking at them all visibly tense with anticipation and perhaps a twinge of fear.
“Ray… You have not disappointed,” Saph declared, nodding her approval, a smile creeping onto her face once more.
“Oh this is the best drink I think I’ve ever had,” Fengi added, taking another gentle sip.
Ray looked visibly relieved, her expression changing to one of ecstasy as she too took a sip herself. “Oh it’s even better than I remember. I’m glad you liked it.”
“Like it?! I love it!” Fengi cheers, Essy giving an appreciative nod to Ray before looking to Lin.
“Sooo?”
“It’s very good… Do you think we could try and cool it down a little? Imagine this cold.”
“It is often served cold, yes,” Ray confirmed, nodding her assent.
“I’ll go get the powder!” Saph called out, getting up. “I have got to try that.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
The strange ethereal world that had seemed so all-consuming started to quickly fade. Holes grew as light and reality started seeping in, sounds and noise starting to build around him. “Oom-Tom… Tom, are you okay?” came the familiar voice of Jacky as his eyes shot open and he blinked a few times as he returned to reality proper.
“Yeah yeah, I’m here… That is trippy, but hey, I think it worked.”
“How many fingers?” Jacky questioned, holding up her hand.
“4. Clear as day.”
“Pheeew. Okay look around, anything strange?”
Tom obeyed, sitting up a bit straighter and glancing about the room. “Nnnnn, nope all good. Just like last time I used one of these.”
“Right, good. Now what did she say?”
“Oh a bunch of stuff… mostly we chatted a bit about how she’s going a touch mad. Even Glazz thinks she’s falling apart at the seams apparently. She was also not happy I wanted a break.”
“Oh don’t tell me you have to do this every day from now on?”
“I said she had 3 days to get ready to try again. Hopefully she’ll have her case worked out by then.”
“Here’s to hoping… also how is your head? Does it hurt?”
“A bit, it’ll go away I’m sure.”
“Right,” Jacky replied, looking at him skeptically. “If it gets worse, tell me. But dinner was served a while ago I think. And I’m hungry.”
“Me too, let’s go.”
__________________________________________________________________________________
Well then, Joelina got her chat. She seems fine... I am sure she will continue to be a steadfast ally, within the walls of the inquisition for many weeks to co- I mean years, definetly years.
As always I hope you enjoyed the chapter, if not you know who to blame. I promise I won't cry to much if you tell me what was wrong... I promise.
Not really any news, other than fuck me I'm a busy boi, luckily I found the time to keep up with the writing yet, hopefully things will quet down soon so I can get back to begin a bit further ahead.
Untill next time, take care
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