TW: Discussion of depression, feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm. Please don't read if this may be triggering for you, take care of yourself <3.
Hey all. I'm just having a hard day today and I just need to get some thoughts out and reflect, so I can maybe find the confidence and the words to talk about it with my ADHD coach haha.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in between my first and second years of uni. Since I've gotten diagnosed, many aspects of my life have improved. My grades went way up because I got accommodations, medication, and coaching. I actually manage to clean and meal prep for the week, and my apartment is not a total and complete mess. I make appointments and keep them, and manage to actually implement systems to keep track of all I have to do. My ADHD has never been better managed, and I'm still working with a coach to keep improving the way I deal with it.
At the same time, I don't think I've ever felt as low and empty and anxious as I do now. In all fairness, I did just go through a harrowing academic year doing a capstone project in a lab with a very toxic work environment, which has undoubtedly affected my mental health. Part of me wants to explain it away as just that. But it feels deeper.
When I got diagnosed, for a while things were amazing. I felt like there was finally a reason for everything I struggled with, and everything was getting better so quickly that I just felt so accomplished. But then this emptiness, that I think maybe has always been there, has just crept up on me. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I went on a vacation with my partner and it was just fine instead of being the amazing time I had hoped and expected it would be. Getting out of bed is hard. Talking to others has been so difficult- I just can't find the energy to keep in touch with people and I feel horrible because it's making me lose touch with people I care about. I feel constantly anxious about so many things socially, about my job, about school, about my partner, about my in-laws, about my friends, about my family- I can't remember the last time that I went into a social situation without a huge pit in my stomach.
I feel like I'm constantly just going through motions, and I can't stop because I'll just fall apart if I do. Like work and school keep me busy enough to not think about how I'm feeling and give me something to blame my fatigue and low moods on. And simultaneously, I feel like I'm faking all of these bad feelings, because on the outside I don't think anyone would say I'm depressed. I am still achieving high grades, moving forward in my career and securing research positions, I still do my hobbies and I put on a happy face for everyone. I go to the gym and yoga religiously and eat healthy and do all these things that are "good" for you but I don't feel any better. On the inside, everyday is a huge struggle. Everyday, I feel like everyone around me would be better off if I didn't exist. I have this huge urge to buy a plane ticket to the other side of the country and run away. I feel disconnected from everyone I care about, and like I'm in this huge hole I'll never crawl out of.
And on top of it all, whereas I saw my ADHD as a part of me that I had to work with when I got diagnosed, I increasingly feel stupid, worthless, and like a burden and a failure when my symptoms start getting the best of me. When I can't focus, my inner monologue has shifted from, "it's okay, this is your ADHD, take a breather and try again/switch tasks/etc", to, "you're a worthless stupid failure who will never achieve anything, everyone you love is disappointed in you, and you deserve to hurt". I feel horrible for backsliding in terms of my acceptance of my ADHD.
I'm just so tired. Everything is exhausting and I feel constantly overstimulated. My sensory issues have gotten worse lately too. It's all putting a strain on my relationship, because I don't feel as emotionally intimate with my partner.
It feels like now that I'm not struggling as much to simply organize my thoughts due to my ADHD, all of the perfectionism and self-hatred that I used to cope with my ADHD has run RAMPANT. Now that I can achieve what I thought I should be achieving before, I should be achieving more. I feel like I'm faking my achievements because I'm doing it with accommodations and help. I feel like I can't devote the time I want to every part of my life.
Life is hard. This sucks. I think I need to talk to my ADHD coach and tell her about these feelings, and maybe get back to proper therapy for these issues (I previously went to therapy to cope with some childhood trauma) and look into maybe medication. At the same time, I struggle to bring it up and be honest about it... To her, and to anyone. I feel like a burden whenever I take up space with my feelings, because I've been a mess so much of my life- I paid $4k for my ADHD assessment and any question about anxiety or depression I was just like, "who me??? I would never! I've never had a negative thought or feeling in my life!". And that makes me feel completely isolated.
I don't know how to ask for help, even though I know I need it. It feels like I should be solving these problems all on my own. But my method of avoidance clearly ain't working.
Anyways, if you took the time to read all of this, thank you. I hope it's relatable for someone. This is a rough spot, but I think there might be a breakthrough on the horizon that helps me get through it. We'll see I guess.

TW: mentions of drug use, mentions of mental health conditions, mentions of the terms derealization, depersonalization, hppd, schizophrenia, strokes.
Hi, I'd like to start by stating that I suffer from mental health issues (general anxiety/ocd). As for recreational substances, I very occasionally smoke marijuana/drink alcohol when I'm out with friends, nothing habitual. I'm also going to be trying ketamine for my mental problems as I've heard it possibly can helpful for anxiety/overthinking.
As for my post, this slow-mo experience I have tends to happen around night-time or when I'm a bit tired, and it happens I'd say about once a week or so. I never gave it much thought until now since I always assumed it's from being really tired. I'm just now starting to wonder if I should be concerned or not.
When this happens, the words I'm thinking feel like someone hit a slow-motion button where my internal monologue will literally slow. My perception of reality does not slow down and everything moves in a normal speed, even my body, but my thoughts are slow. More often than not, this happens as my eyes are closed when trying to sleep, but it's happened before when I'm laying on my bed reading on my phone, computer. Sometimes the content of my thoughts also get random/weird (that's the most distressing part). This doesn't really happen during the day. I don't tend to have control over when it starts and sometimes have control of when it stops/will try to snap myself out of it.
Another thing that sometimes happens around night-time, when I'm thinking about things like people, places, experiences, or daydreaming, sometimes the contents of my thoughts feel either extremely large/close or extremely small/far away. This tends to happen only when my eyes are closed, and as soon as I open my eyes, it usually goes away when I close my eyes again. But there was one or two rare times where it's persisted and I usually get up or turn on a light and it stops.
This reminds me of a time when I used to smoke marijuana heavily (vape cartridges with high THC content, which I don't smoke anymore), where I suffered from a very short-lived episode of what I assume was derealization. I got extremely high and was resting while high, then opened my eyes, and my body felt extremely large/far away, like that feeling you get when you look in the distance and see a mountain. When I looked at my feet they felt far away, yet it was close. Luckily after the high went away I haven't dealt with that again, even when occasionally smoking marijuana.
The thing is, should I be concerned? Is this a sign of something serious like a brain injury or a symptom of an impending medical/mental condition I'm not realizing? I can't really control when it happens and that is whats is concerning me. I also occasionally get de ja vue, just experienced changed tabs on my computer. It's not that distressing when it happens, but I've read about HPPD (hallucinogen persisting perception disorder), focal/frontal lobe strokes, derealization/depersonalization, schizophrenia, etc. but the research is either leading down more rabbit holes/nothing conclusive or stressing me out. I obviously will talk with my therapist/doctor about this but I need advice in the meantime.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.

TW: mentions of drug use, mentions of mental health conditions, mentions of the terms derealization, depersonalization, hppd, schizophrenia, strokes.
Hi, I'd like to start by stating that I suffer from mental health issues (general anxiety/ocd). As for recreational substances, I very occasionally smoke marijuana/drink alcohol when I'm out with friends, nothing habitual. I'm also going to be trying ketamine for my mental problems as I've heard it possibly can helpful for anxiety/overthinking.
As for my post, this slow-mo experience I have tends to happen around night-time or when I'm a bit tired, and it happens I'd say about once a week or so. I never gave it much thought until now since I always assumed it's from being really tired. I'm just now starting to wonder if I should be concerned or not.
When this happens, the words I'm thinking feel like someone hit a slow-motion button where my internal monologue will literally slow. My perception of reality does not slow down and everything moves in a normal speed, even my body, but my thoughts are slow. More often than not, this happens as my eyes are closed when trying to sleep, but it's happened before when I'm laying on my bed reading on my phone, computer. Sometimes the content of my thoughts also get random/weird (that's the most distressing part). This doesn't really happen during the day. I don't tend to have control over when it starts and sometimes have control of when it stops/will try to snap myself out of it.
Another thing that sometimes happens around night-time, when I'm thinking about things like people, places, experiences, or daydreaming, sometimes the contents of my thoughts feel either extremely large/close or extremely small/far away. This tends to happen only when my eyes are closed, and as soon as I open my eyes, it usually goes away when I close my eyes again. But there was one or two rare times where it's persisted and I usually get up or turn on a light and it stops.
This reminds me of a time when I used to smoke marijuana heavily (vape cartridges with high THC content, which I don't smoke anymore), where I suffered from a very short-lived episode of what I assume was derealization. I got extremely high and was resting while high, then opened my eyes, and my body felt extremely large/far away, like that feeling you get when you look in the distance and see a mountain. When I looked at my feet they felt far away, yet it was close. Luckily after the high went away I haven't dealt with that again, even when occasionally smoking marijuana.
The thing is, should I be concerned? Is this a sign of something serious like a brain injury or a symptom of an impending medical/mental condition I'm not realizing? I can't really control when it happens and that is whats is concerning me. I also occasionally get de ja vue, just experienced changed tabs on my computer. It's not that distressing when it happens, but I've read about HPPD (hallucinogen persisting perception disorder), focal/frontal lobe strokes, derealization/depersonalization, schizophrenia, etc. but the research is either leading down more rabbit holes/nothing conclusive or stressing me out. I obviously will talk with my therapist/doctor about this but I need advice in the meantime.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.

TW: potential creep?
I am currently in an all girls school and am half way through my GCSEs and have been having some problems in my maths class. The teacher, who I'll call Mr. A teaches me maths and has been for the past 2 years and has been showing some... questionable signs.
It started off when he first started teaching my class, where he would make jokes often which were lighthearted. However, I started to get some bad vibes from him when his jokes progressed into putting words in students' mouths, for example saying things like "XYZ said we should do (something) today!" which was nothing entirely bad, but it seriously annoyed everyone, especially when he continuously insisted XYZ had said something after being asked to stop.
This lead me to have some built up hate for Mr A, but I decided to take it out by making jokes which were slightly targeted towards him while having conversations. I get it was a dumb way of expressing that I didn't like him very much, but that's beside the point.
As the year progressed, the class began to warm up to Mr A, and so did he to us. His behaviour began to slowly increase in 'creepiness' but this was when I began to get properly freaked out. It was after school, and I had lost a monologue script that I needed for another subject (drama). As I was walking through the halls, Mr A stopped me and began talking to me. He asked what I was doing, and I replied saying I just needed to get a monologue. Obviously, that sparked his interest and he began to insist that I should stay after school and practise/perform my monologue to him in his class. Throughout the whole interaction, I hadn't said a single thing after telling him what I was doing. He just continuously said how I should meet after school to practise the monologue over and over again. It was extremely awkward for me, but thankfully, I managed to get away.
The next encounter was, again, after school while I was waiting to get picked up. He was walking out, when he saw me, and approached me to talk. He began to converse with me, but it turned into him asking me to meet him after school to practise maths with him. I said that I didn't want to, but he insisted and said he would talk to my parents about it if I didn't want to go. Unfortunately, at that specific moment, my mum turned up to pick me up. I began to run to my mum's car as I didn't want him to talk to her or myself, but he caught up and began talking to my mum. Mr A talked to my mum about how I was a great student and how staying after school for some private maths lessons would benefit me, and began asking my mum about me. During this whole situation, I began to get more and more upset, as I just wanted to leave, but my mum, being oblivious, continued talking to Mr A. Eventually he left, but as he was walking away, my mum asked if he wanted a ride. I immediately started saying 'No, no, no, no' over and over again to my mum but she wouldn't listen. Mr A began to approach again, and until he finally was up right next to me finally got the jist I wasn't comfortable. Luckily, he finally went away but that wasn't the end of it.
He then began asking me to stay in his class for maths lessons during my break and lunch, and wouldn't let me leave class until I accepted to go to his 'private lessons'. I managed to bring a friend though, but overall the atmosphere was very tense and weird. He would also use the same "XYZ said to do this" but "You said you would come to my private lesson on (a specific date)".
The most recent encounter was the one which really set off my concern-
Mr A was late to class so we had a cover teacher. When he came in, he asked who would have preferred to be taught by the cover teacher, to which I (and yes, i know, this was a dumb move) said yes. The class began to laugh, and he pouted but then gave out a worksheet to go through. Once everyone started working, he came and sat opposite me and asked why I said yes. I said 'I was just kidding' and he replied with 'I know.' and after a short moment he whispered under his breath 'I like it.' in an almost suggestive tone. I was honestly shocked and I just don't really know what to do.
I've heard from my classmates and friends that he's also been doing creepy things to them and I have no idea if I'm just paranoid or if he's actually creepy. The school most likely won't listen to me and other male teachers who were paedophiles were only fired after the very last straw. What can I do?

(Idk why I had to add flair. I don’t think this needs a trigger warning since this is the ex Christian sub, but I guess TW: this is long and heavy.)
We just found out my mom has very aggressive lung cancer and I’m devastated. She’s way too young and I thought for sure my dad (who’s had cancer twice and is a narcissistic asshole) was going to die first and I was going to have to deal with all my daddy issues. This wasn’t even on my radar. I don’t even care when she tells me I should come back to god because honestly I fucking wish I had that to cling to, but no, if she dies all evidence points to me never seeing her again and I don’t know how to handle it. Before this Idk what the worst thing I thought I ever went through was but that wasn’t it. This is it.
Ever since I watched Midnight Mass I’ve found a lot of solace from the death monologue. I really thought it was beautiful. I love how Neil Degrasse Tyson says he wants to be buried not cremated because he wants his energy to feed the flora and fauna just as they’ve fed him over the decades. Now it seems so empty. I don’t want any of that. I want my mom at my wedding, I want to have decades more with her, I want her to die old and frail and in her sleep at 98. She should have another 30 years.
And there’s no one to pray to. There’s no one to rage at. How do you handle that now? I thought I was good, man. It’s been almost a decade since I fully deconstructed and a good 12 years since the process began. I felt comfortable believing that being dead will be like before I was born — nothingness. The idea of my mom sinking into that nothingness 30 years too soon? I can’t. I just don’t know how.
Life was already so fucking hard. I didn’t think it could get worse. What a joke. What a sad sick joke.
How have yall survived this shit? Any pointers? My support system is shit right now, I had to stop therapy because we can’t afford it right now and my two best friends are having really hard times too. My partner, my wonderful loving supportive partner, has no idea how to support me right now and I don’t know what to ask for.
I’m so sad and scared and there’s no one to beg for mercy or to shake my fist at and you guys are the only people I kind of know who will understand it.

TW: Emotional abuse, Religious abuse, something that you could technically categorize as CSA, Compassion fatigue
I went through a lot of "invisible" trauma. Self-hatred. Parentification. Emotional neglect. Sweeping things under the rug. Good stuff mixed together with bad stuff in a way that made the bad stuff seem "normal".
Looking back, it's so weird to see how I toyed with self-mutilation at a young age but I also had a great Christmas and a great birthday and a great vacation or whatever that same year. How did I manage to repeatedly switch off the negative stuff so I could enjoy the positive stuff? It wasn't even a conscious effort on my part. It was just how life was.
As I got a little older I continued to suffer, and I continued to be completely ignorant about it. The only thought that pain ever prompted was "I'm bad and I need to be better." I got into intense self-hating monologues sometimes...and then the next morning I'd be eating breakfast and reading the newspaper as if everything was totally fine. And I wasn't acting, either. I felt totally fine. Even though I wasn't.
I read a therapy book once that asked, "When you were young, how did you see your mother? Did you want to grow up to be just like here, or did you want to be the exact opposite?" I loved my mom...but I also had no conception of her, in a weird way. It's hard to describe. I had no notion of comparing her to other moms. I had no firm idea that I wanted to be like her or unlike her when I grew up. Ask me what I think about my mom and my instinctive answer is "HOMEWORK". Just...just homework. Because that's what matters. Doing my homework.
I went through a lot of scholastic abuse.
Later I went through a kind of... religious/sexual abuse?? But not in the way you're thinking! My church was pretty chill actually, and I was never molested or anything like that. What happened is I read my Bible, discovered that sexual thoughts were evil, hit puberty, and then went through intense self-hatred around that, trying to forcibly suppress my sexual feelings.
I got to a point where I thought I was doing pretty good...and then I had a nervous breakdown. =(
And then some other stuff happened! In my 20s my mom died and my dad went crazy and I got abandoned by a lot of friends, including a very important group that abandoned me all at once with no warning.
And I really wish that at some point my therapist had sat me down and really impressed on me just how bad my trauma was.
The signs were obvious enough, weren't they? Couldn't hold a job. Lots of fatigue. Lots of anguish. Lots of isolation.
But even as I consciously confronted the trauma and cried and yelled and wrote about it in journals...I think I was still in the habit of sweeping it under the rug.
And you know what? I think my therapists were doing that too, in a way! Somebody should have said "Seriously, we need to get you a higher level of care"! Even just twice-a-week therapy might have made a huge difference. But it never came up, except briefly when I initiated it by seeing a second therapist, and then I was told that that was weird and I shouldn't do that. So I went back to once-a-week therapy. (Granted, the other therapist had the opposite opinion and said I should go inpatient...but she was an outlier, and the place she recommended had a terrible reputation for being authoritarian.)
I've always been more damaged than people realize.
There was a time a few years ago when things were looking up, despite all the crap I just mentioned. And what did I do then? I got super involved helping out a new friend whose trauma history is way worse than mine, and eventually I got super burned out and looking back I think made a massive mistake.
And why did I do that? Because I'd been trained that way. I was my sister's de facto therapist in my teen years. I did a lot of emotional labor, and I thought I could handle it but in retrospect it was a helluva lot of work for a teenage kid who's already on the verge of a breakdown. But I didn't notice the burden at the time. I felt fine.
Then I did the exact same thing in my 30s with my poor traumatized friend.
I wish my therapist at the time had told me to back off for my own safety. She could've seen the signs. She could've explained it. I would have listened to her.
But that's not what happened. And now it's years later and I'm actually doing worse than I was back then, despite all the therapy I've had in the meantime.
I feel like I really had a chance to turn things around, and I screwed it up, all because I couldn't respect my own pain.
More recently I had a medical problem that I just ignored and it got worse and now they're telling my I've suffered permanent damage. They could've fixed it if I'd done something earlier, but I didn't, so now I might be stuck with this for life.
And it wasn't even like I noticed this problem and thought to myself "I deserve to suffer." I was just like "Oh, that dumb thing. Well it's been 10 minutes and it doesn't hurt anymore, so I guess I'll just completely forget about it and assume it'll fix itself..."
I was a star student, growing up. I have a high IQ. I'm intellectual. Hell, people tell me I have great emotional intelligence too! But I'm also a terrible fool who still doesn't know how to take care of himself.
SIGH
Don't make my mistakes, kids. Take your feelings seriously.
sigh
I'm terrified that I'll never really heal from all this. =(

TW: mental health, ss, abusive parents
I , 18f, recently moved out my warzone household under 2 narcissistic parents who are extremely manipulative. Ever since I moved out my mom has been trying to make amends with me because she realizes that my brother is going down hill and my dad is off the rocker. My inner child is obviously flabbergasted and craves this love, but the rest of me disgusted and absolutely repulsed. It fills me with rage that there is still a part of me that craves that attention.
Now she tells me she is going to therapy. Good lord she is such a manipulator. They are putting my brother in therapy for his addiction, however they refused to acknowledge their role in it and how their wrongdoings contributed to his addiction. She will gaslight and manipulate tf out of the therapist, making herself seem like a holy saint and a progressive liberal mom who is pro-therapy. The truth is, she has been batshit crazy for years, and used me as her punching bag as a child and took it out on me physically and emotionally. After I had an unaliving attempt last June, she has been trying to make amends and use narcissistic tactics that the old me would have never fallen for. She is a master at half truths and painting herself positively in light of the situation. I just feel so bad for my brother because they are going to blame this whole addiction thing on him instead of taking accountability.
The worst part is that there is a side of me that still falls for it. Part of me still craves her approval and love. And it disgusts me. I feel like such a shitty person, because in high school I really fought back against my parents, and it was insanely agressive and violent on both of our ends. When I was younger, it was not, I would say as a child I was the victim. There is a part of me that feels awful because they have made me believe that I am an abnormal person because I am in therapy and on anti-depressants. She is trying to get me to stop taking anti-depressants, which I know have an abundance of side effects, but the truth is I am a lot worse when I am off them (I had multiple un-aliving attempts, engaged in self harm, had cognitive trauma-induced disabilities).
It drives me insane because of the cultural stigma around mental illness and trauma, to the point that no one gets it. The worst part is I still crave attention from the awful, awful individuals who don't get it and continue to facilitate generational trauma, while having a narrow minded, ignorant view on child rearings. I have a very broad perspective on how things went down during my childhood because I empathize with everyone to any unhealthy extent and view all perspectives, while simultaneously bashing myself. They are so conservative but my mom is trying to paint herself as a progressive and I can't stand it. I don't even know why I'm reacting this way right now because they have done shit like this for years but I just can't stand it anymore. I have blamed myself for years, I am severely self aware to the point of exhaustion, I blame myself for the smallest things, I take everything into account. I don't think anyone would describe me as a manipulative person because I really care about other people's feelings, and I have quiet BPD. I have made several mistakes in the past, but at my core I know who I am, and I am flawed but I call myself out regularly, I try my hardest to be good to others, I do not believe in hurting or abusing others, I blame myself for everything, I but they have gaslighted me into making me feel that I am a manipulator, and shamed me for having mental illness. Now they are doing the same to my brother by making up half truths in therapy, and part of me falls for it because they seem somewhat genuine compared to the past, but I know they're not, and I just hate it. They don'e understand the extent, frequency, and repercussions of their actions, to the point that I don't think I can ever live a normal life because of my issues.
I'm just so tired of hearing an internal monologue in my head that still blames me, and I am so sick of them downplaying stuff and acting like they did no wrong, and making up half truths. I am just done. I can't do this anymore. I just am looking to get my thoughts out because I feel so misunderstood and as much as I know it's not my fault, a part of me still feels ashamed for taking anti-depressants and getting therapy, and I still crave their love. I know the situation is not ideal but they don't get how bad I was before. I can't even enjoy the commodities of life because of all the problems I have. I am not trying to throw a pity party for myself, but I just needed to get everything off my chest.

TW: Real life stories of rape, abuse, self-harm
My husband is a huge Twin Peaks fan and has been wanting me to watch it for years. I decided to take the plunge and we just finished the episode where Agent Cooper finds out Bob is inhabiting Leland, Bob kills Leland, and Leland has his monologue before his death. I have to say I was really moved and also so saddened that I've thought about it hours later.
This is a long and vulnerable post because I can't sleep. Thanks for indulging me.
During the scene when Leland is talking about his neighbor who entered him and made him do dark things, I turned to my hisband and said, "Wait, is all of this an allegory about childhood abuse and sexual trauma being a cyclical thing?"
I have too many loved ones in my life impacted by rape, sexual assault, and abuse. When I was growing up, whenever my family watched Law & Order (any iteration) and there was a plot involving the rape of child, my dad would talk about how those offenders deserved the death penalty. He also would also drink during the show and afterwards.
After his liver failed (functional alcoholism combined with tylenol usage) and he received his first transplant, the trauma of the surgery brought on repressed memories from his childhood. He told my brother-in-law only--not even my mom-- that when he was 5 or 6, when he was a paper boy, a neighbor repeatedly sexually assaulted him. Dad asked his mom for help but she didn't believe him. The abuse continued until he stopped his paper route.
My Grandma always said my dad was a troublemaker growing up (mouthing off to teachers, skipping school, pranks, etc.) and I found out he even sold drugs as a teen. He also drank a lot. My family experienced verbal/emotional abuse when he drank but he's been sober for like 12 years now. He also got therapy to deal with the childhood abuse.
In college during my junior year, a close friend Mike (name changed) sexually assaulted another close friend Jen (name changed) after I hosted a house party. Jen escaped before it escalated further and ran to my apartment. She was in crisis but she didn't want me to call the police. I woke up my roommate, went to Mike's apartment to get her things (one of the most terrifying experiences in my life), and he was just passed out drunk.
The next day, we confronted Mike. He didn't remember any of it and was really confused. We did find out that his mom had sexually abused him as a kid. And that she caught Mike doing the same thing to his younger brother...
We helped get both of them into therapy but Jen had such bad PTSD that she fell into other self-destructive behaviors.
While watching Ray Wise act, I felt so profoundly moved. I thought about my dad as a kid who was hurt by a neighbor. I thought about Mike who didn't remember hurting someone he loved (Jen) and his profound sadness once he realized what he had done. I thought about Jen and how she felt she had this darkness inside her, like Laura, that no one could understand.
Also, I feel a little bit like Howard-- a keeper of secrets. Unlike Howard, I have tried to deal with that secondary trauma with counseling.
Whoever got to the end of this, thank you for reading.
UPDATE: I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments and apologize for any potential spoilers in my title. It wasn't my intention but I wrote my post at like 4AM. Unfortunately I'm unable to edit my title so I'd have to delete and re-post. The comments are rich and I didn't want to lose that. If the mods would like me to delete and re-post with an updated title, let me know.

For starters I'm gonna talk about sexual interactions I had, shame and dissociation for t.w or tmi purpose.
I'm 25 cis f, I have cptsd from physical abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, negelct and bullying (and not counting here but also therapy abuse did a number on me). For a while now I've been dealing with a weird relationship around sex and my own sexuality and a part of me fears it might indicate CSA, I don't have any memories of something like that but I also experienced repressed memory reapear and considering I've lost all my memories at 20 due to dpdr I know I have a lot of buried memories in me.
Now for the strange symptoms: As I mentioned I have a difficult relationship with sex and sexuality, I'm (as far as I know) a virgin and for most of my life didn't have any sexual attraction, talking to psychiatrists and a sexologist about it they said considering my other traumas it could be cptsd or just asexuality. But the thing it's not just that I don't experience sexual attraction or desires, it scares me and disguests me at the same time. And I noticed that every expectation I have for a sexual interaction with a partner is some version of violent coercion (even from media when I'm watching a movie or tv show, any signs of romance causes my brain to instinctvly imagine violent scenarios).
I never had a serious long-term relationship, but the few times I started dating someone (all cis men my age or slightly older) and we start to get physical even kissing I just go numb, or limb or I just play a part, I act like I think they want me to be with this mental state of pleasing till it's over.
I'm gonna give an example here it's actually the first time I tried having sex with my first bf at the time, sorry for the tmi and tw for dissociation. I wanted to sleep with him, I wanted to do it, but when we tried I dissociated so much we just couldn't do it, and this familiar sensation took over me, like I'm a corpse and his moving me around however he wants like I'm his thing and not human, I hate this feeling so much just describing it here makes me dizzy and dissociated and I don't know where it comes from, I just know it's a sensation I know very well for some reason. With the same guy because I was too dissociated and also have vaginismus we did oral, which I wanted to do but the day after I felt sick to my stomach typing it now causes a gag reflax and I remember feeling so dirty and disgusting I just wanted to shower.
Another thing is masturbation, I can't do it, everytime I try even the slightest, know even thinking about it I hear screaming and crying and pleading in my head, it's a reaction I have sometimes to something it's not external but internal, like an inner monologue but with a tormented soul I suppose.
Another thing, and I'm embarrassed to mention it at all but it freaks me out, is hair removal. When I was a teenager I went to a waxing salon, and now as an adult lazor hair removal, but the reaction is the same. When the esthetician does the bikini area I shake uncomfortably, and have this rush of fear, not from pain because it's not that painful but I'm just terrified and I can't explain it, it doesn't happen with any other areas.
Now I suppose that some of these things can be explain by physical abuse or even neglect maybe but some are just too specific and it scares me. I'm not trying to score points in the trauma Olympics or Catch em all or any of that, I'm just a bit freaked out by those things and trying to seek an explanation for it and hopefully someday a resolution and some peace.

TW: mentions of suicide.
I keep coming back here to post because honestly I have nowhere to go. God knows when my anxiety will finally catch up to me and I stop posting here as well. I have a mental monologue that constantly tells me I'm being too much. Today that belief was reinforced more strongly by my partner.
I've been bottling up everything. I honestly hate living my life. I hate how much the grief has affected me and I hate how I'm being too much to the people around me. I'm contemplating unaliving myself very often and had the worst fight with my partner today.
I miss my dog so much and living just seems so painful without him. I wish I could join him soon.
Therapy isn't the answer to everything and going to therapy hasn't helped me in the past, and it sure as hell isn't going to help right now. I'm not disregarding it and I am not saying I won't work on my mental health, but it's too fucking soon. It's not even been a month since he died and I'm too broken to pick up any piece and start working on myself right now. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm not sure what I'm seeking, but the person I once was has died with my baby and I don't recognise who I am anymore. I'm pretending I'm fine half the time and the other half, I'm crying and bawling my eyes out. I'm so exhausted. Physically, mentally. I used to be spiritual, but since my baby died, I feel nothing. All I feel is this darkness looming over my head. I've had enough.
I stopped expecting solutions, comfort, empathy, understanding or anything to make me feel better from anyone about this as I don't even talk to anyone about this anymore. He's gone, the world has moved on, but here I am stuck feeling isolated and lost. Fuck man, the pain is too much. I'm literally having a mental breakdown as I'm typing this.
I'm too broken to ask for help and even when I do, I've been told that I'm too stressful, and that I'm being too much. People don't have the tools to help and that's okay by me. But is asking for kindness and some niceness too much?!

• Links:
  • Whole series: [docs] [scriptbin]
  • Part 1: [reddit] [scriptbin]
  • Part 2: [reddit] [scriptbin]
  • Part 3: [you are here] [scriptbin]
  • Part 4: [reddit] [scriptbin]
  • masterlist

​

• Title suggestions: Meeting a mysterious stranger at a bar Stranger at the bar philosophizes with you Having a drink with an attractive stranger Stranger at a pub takes a liking to you Drunken rambles from a mysterious stranger

​

• TW: existential themes, talk of loneliness, implied mental illness/depression, light derealisation, implied suicidality, (small-ish) mental break down

​

• ~1.7k words (15-23 mins audio)

​

• Setting: a bar or pub/tavern in a small rural town, only a little busy

​

• Context (for listeners): After meeting a mysterious stranger at the bar and stargazing with him a few days later, you want to go back to the bar in hopes of meeting him again. There, you find him in his usual spot, looking a bit more dreary than usual.
• Character intro: You are a being, older than humanity itself. A very, very long time ago you used to be one of the first two gods, with yourself ruling over the moon, the darkness and winter. Not a cruel god, no. A kind one, caring for your people. But years and years of wandering the earth after humanity forgot about you, has dulled your spirit. That, and the betrayal of your brother. Eventually, you start moving from town to town, so you don't draw too much attention to yourself. It's a tactic to avoid getting too lonely, but also to stop yourself from getting close to others. You spend most of your time in pubs, since it's nice to have a handful of people around you - even if they're drunks who tend to avoid and ignore you for the most part. That is, until a charming stranger keeps popping into your life and you find yourself wanting to open up to them more and more…
• Acting suggestion: Slower speech, a little gravelly/some vocal fry?, tired and exhausted, wise and patient, dry/sarcastic/comedic undertones, somewhat monotone and quiet, almost a bit apathetic and hopeless, distant, almost like he's talking to himself more than the listener

​

• Rules:
  • Do whatever you want, I don't mind (improv, changing stuff, adjusting to fit your own characters, getting inspired, gender flipping, etc. is OK)
  • Monetization and paywall is OK
  • Sfx/bgm are optional
  • Give credit when using, "written (or inspired) by u/vesselwrites on reddit" is OK
• Key:
  • [sfx, sounds, pauses]
  • (vocal cues and instructions, feel free to change/ignore)
  • … for shorter pauses or trailing off
  • bold text for emphasis

​
Script:
[background sounds: bapub/tavern ambiance for a bit, music playing quietly, adults chatting, glasses clinking etc. Feel free to have this run for a little to set the scene]
​
Hm…?
Oh-
Hello once more, stranger.
I didn't think I'd meet you here again so soon.
(joking, a bit sarcastic?) One would assume you'd have learned your lesson by now.
​
[pause]
​
No, I don't mind.
The company is quite nice.
I just… didn't expect it.
Most people don't come here often. And when they do, I'm the last person they want to see.
That's why I always stand by the far corner of the bar, but somehow, you still find me every time.
No matter how invisible I try to make myself…
…
Well, I suppose most of the guests don't want to pay me any mind.
I could probably be dancing on the tables, and they'd still act as though I'm not here.
But I don't blame them. This town is not the only one that acts this way…
I suppose I've gotten used to it by now.
Blending into the background wherever I go… It might just be for the best.
…
(small sigh)
They must find people like me repulsive…
Strangers, invading their community and safe spaces.
Like hungry beetles breaking into an ant hill, ready to destroy their colony.
If I'm not prey, then surely, I must be a predator. A hazard to their safety…
…
You, however, don't seem to have that kind of mindset.
You're one of the few people I've met, who didn't.
Maybe it's because I only ever find myself in small, reclusive towns.
Where everyone tends to share the same frigid ideologies.
And those who don't, leave as soon as they can.
…
Though… I doubt the bigger cities would make me feel any more welcome.
I imagine it's just more loners, and if you're lucky, a bit less judgement.
But in the end, it's the people who act this way, not the town itself.
It's part of their nature.
…
Back in the day, it was necessary to keep group morale high, and be weary of outsiders.
Being associated with the wrong individuals could very easily be your demise. While being around goof people and staying together would secure the survival of the tribe…
…
It must have stuck, somewhere deep down in their being…
A testimony to times long gone, a past that most people forget about all too easily.
…
Quite a few behaviors were formed in the earliest times of humankind, and no living person may ever realize just how many.
All those little things that don't fully make sense, the ones that have become too normal to question, and some that seem much too obvious to even consider.
…
People adapt, yes.
But for the most part, as a species… more is added, rather than replaced or removed.
The core will forever stay the same… Forming similar thoughts and patterns, no matter how much time has passed, how many new things have been learned and implemented.
And still, it's expected to behave as though the human being is fully equipped for today's life, despite everything suggesting the contrary.
…
People beat themselves up for being stressed, dissatisfied and unhealthy, in a world that does nothing to accommodate their actual needs.
…
Strange, isn't it? How humankind has developed from hunters and gatherers, to lawyers and office workers.
Driven by a need for more, an urge to prove themself, a hunger for development.
…
With every passing era, people are forced to become more and more homogeneous, while at the same time fighting for their rights and recognition as individuals…
…
It's painful to watch…
​
[pause]
​
Long ago, I started to think that humans know nothing about themselves. So far, I haven't been proven wrong…
What's their fascination with making themself suffer?
And what for?
To prove they can? To optimize the gain of those high up? To destroy themselves entirely?
I mean… certain things make sense to have, but not in the way they're being treated…
…
How long will it take for people to realize?
And how much longer, for things to actually improve…? If they ever will…
…
People are much too focussed on their own limited lifespan, to see the patterns of damnation… the downward spiral they're trapped in.
Usually, only those who are faced with misery recognize it, and the rest dare not think about it too deeply.
It's always been that way…
Another ancient mechanism of self-protection, as people worry that associating themself with the problem, will draw it into their life.
…
It makes me wonder… How is that fair?
Ignoring obvious issues, handing them over for the next generations to handle.
…
(quietly) What did we do wrong…?
​
[short pause]
​
Oh…
Sorry.
I'm rambling again.
…
(joking) Well, you kind of had it coming.
So far, every time we've met, I lost myself in a topic and monologued about it for far too long.
And still, you keep coming back for more.
You're strange…
Do you really enjoy hearing me speak that much?
…
I guess I'm so used to talking to myself without anyone listening, that I just… forget you're there…
​
[longer pause]
​
It wasn't always like this, you know…?
There was once a time when people cared about me. When I had family…
People who heard me, made me feel loved.
…
(small, defeated sigh)
I used to be someone.
But… not anymore.
…
I've become a nobody.
Nothing but another stranger, passing through.
Somebody you avoid today, and forget about tomorrow.
…
I can't remember the last time somebody genuinely smiled, upon seeing me again. Or someone being interested in what I had to say. Or even… hearing my own name, uttered from the mouth of another.
…
(small sigh)
I've come to realize that a name is so much more than just a word.
It's an identity. The link to a whole being, made up of memories and experiences.
Hearing somebody call it, is like reaching into the deepest depths of your being. Like somebody holding your beating heart within their hand.
A connection to your innermost self.
…
And forgetting such a name… is like losing yourself entirely.
Not a single soul remembers who I am, who I was… And there's nothing I can do to change that…
​
[pause]
​
I want to be open with you.
As much as I enjoy your company, I've been here for too long.
It's time for me to move on soon.
…
When you're somebody like me, you can't stay in one place for more than a few years at a time.
…
And since I'll be leaving anyways, I might as well tell you my truth.
…
You might deem me a lunatic…
But it makes no difference whether or not I say this… whether you believe me.
Take it as a metaphor, if you will. Or perhaps the rambles of a drunkard.
…
But a long, long time ago… I used to be a god.
People used to worship me. Pray to me every night.
And now? I'm nothing…
A nameless nobody.
A stranger at a bar, an outsider in a tightly knit community.
Just another face to pass by and forget about…
…
You see… the story I told you…
It was my own, and you won't find it in any books of myths and legends.
Because by the time people had forgotten about it… neither pen nor paper had been invented.
Language was barely developing back then, so there was no way of immortalizing it.
I might be the only one who remembers…
And sometimes, I start to doubt if it even happened to begin with.
…
Maybe I'm no fallen god after all, but only a victim of my own imagination…
I have nothing to prove it. Only the memories of millenia I lived, constantly running from myself.
…
But whatever I am doesn't really matter, does it?
…
In the end, it doesn't change my situation.
It doesn't make a difference…
And to you, I won't be more than a drunken stranger either way.
You will forget about me, or you will die, while I waste away underneath the pressure of this meaningless existence.
…
I told you about how my former followers were forced to revert or die.
And so they did.
And my name died with them.
My strength… my power… and my influence.
I've become nothing more than a hermit…
A meaningless shell of human flesh, abandoned by magic.
…
You can't believe in something you've never even heard of.
And you can't revere a dead god…
…
(bittersweet, lost in memory) I still remember one lovely youngling leaving us little offerings in a secret place, after they had been forced to give us up.
A quiet act of devotion to us, and rebellion against their oppressors.
But even that faithful young eventually grew old and died. The last soul that believed in us…
…
I kept them close to me, for as long as I could, when my power faded.
But then, I fell.
Forced out of the sky and into a dark, cold world.
A world that had already turned its back on me. Pushed me aside to make space for new beliefs.
…
For thousands of years, I have been treated like filth…
…
I don't blame them. I'm not… upset.
I just… I wish it didn't have to be like this.
And I wish I understood why this is happening.
…
Why have I been cursed to live this way?
I used to be so strong, so… bright.
Everything that made me who I was, has fallen off me like dried soil.
And now… there's nothing left but the raw dirt underneath.
Nothing that shapes me, that holds me.
Nothing… that matters.
…
What a strange feeling, to lose yourself this way.
Not even I recognize myself anymore…
The longer I look into the mirror, the more that image twists, until I don't remember who I once was, who I am…
Until there is nothing left that defines me anymore.
…
Sometimes I wonder… What's the point?
…
If there was anything I could do to change it… I would.
If there was a way to make it all stop…
…
Nevermind.
​
[short pause]
​
Me and my brother…
There is no need to pity either of us.
We both made our choice.
…
Things are as they are, and will be as they have been.
Though sometimes I wish I could see him again…
A couple hundred years of togetherness is nothing, compared to thousands being apart…
…
That hollow feeling in my chest… It never went away.
​
[pause]
​
(weak chuckle) You've listened to me for long enough now, don't you agree?
Allow me to buy you a drink as compensation.
What would you like?
​
[slow sfx fade out]

((TW))I don’t know how I’m feeling, does anyone maybe know why?
I Have ADHD,Depression and anxiety all diagnosed. I’ve been on Prozac which I got off of around 28 days ago because it made me a zombie and I didn’t like it. I had no inner monologue.
Strattera which I got off of 3 Days ago because it was making my thoughts worse
And Wellbutrin which I’m currently on and it’s doing ok I guess. I can’t really tell.
Maybe I forgot how “Normal” feels ever since I got Suicidally Depressed. I’m on Medication now but I feel off. Or not like myself. I can’t really explain what I’m feeling.
Here’s the best way I can Paint it..
Imagine Two Wavelengths. At one point I was on one wavelength operating then out of nowhere I was sort of THRUST into this different wavelength and I would like to get back to the first one because the one I’m on is so unfamiliar.
I feel “Not Myself” sort of Detached and Disconnected from myself and the world, but I can’t explain what It’s like to be myself. It’s just a feeling. Something just feels off.
You know how people do something and they’re like aware of time like they’ll be doing something and they’re like “this is taking a long time” or “I’ve been waiting a long time” I don’t have that. My concept of time is gone I’m sort of stuck in a state of perpetually living in the now.
Also feeling super out of touch with my emotions. I’m just not grounded it doesn’t feel like. My head is all scattered and foggy. Which it was when I was Depressed but it seems to have gotten worse.
I don’t think I can live like this. I hope I’ll revert back to my “normal” or get better. But I don’t even know what’s causing it.

Things about me to take into account, im 23 (my birthday was two days ago), i dont eat very healthy and have a very large sugar intake. I smoke weed every day. Drink small portions of alcohol socially and infrequently.
diagnosed with adhd as a kid, depression and anxiety since midway through high school, as well as bipolar but i dont know when that was diagnosed.
My mom has bipolar as well and my dad killed himself when I was three.
Ive smoked weed in some form every single day since high school. Ive tried molly at 17 which i didn’t like at all, acid twice, and shrooms like three times which i really really regret (think that peak behind the curtain really didn’t do me much good)
I’ve been on Wellbutrin (bupropion) 300mgs and Pristiq (Desvenlafexine) 25mgs since high school
In the last month I’ve been prescribed Olanzapine(zyprexa) 15mg and lamotragine (lamictal) 10mgs because since January I got uncharacteristically into religion, specifically christianity, all the sudden I was researching and praying but I didn’t see it as a red flag, i thought it was a normal religious experience. But it started to stress me out the more research I did and I kept seeing memes that were basically Christian propaganda but I felt like that was the universe or god trying to send me a message.
Anyways a lot of that going on but all in all I at least felt like myself, I still felt some semblance of normalcy in myself, although in hindsight it looked like a possible hypomania leading into a mixed episode
TW: poop talk lol skip to next paragraph . That was until mid February when I got very sick. I was shitting like every 5 minutes and it just looked worse and worse to the point where it was just fishy smelling mucus, my stomach felt bloated and I had absolutely no appetite
But that wasn’t the worst part, all the sudden my mood turned and my brain was bombarding me with just terrible thoughts, I wanted to die, i wanted to have never existed, every minute dragged by and felt like suffering. I couldn’t focus on anything that weren’t my own thoughts.
These thoughts were louder than my own and although it came from my own inner monologue it felt like it wasn’t me. The thoughts were a mile a minute and I felt I had no control id constantly be reminded how im feeling and really bad depersonalization.
I felt like dr manhattan or something like I was living my life as a kid as an adult and as an old man all at once. I see my boring run of the mill life like a tangible path on my way to being an old man in hospice. I hate that I cant push these thoughts away. I’ve really never felt worse in my life and wouldn’t wish this on anyone it’s like there’s a surprise party in my head and im the wallflower. I feel a spike of sharp anxiety rush through my heart when I thing about these things I could just jump out of my skin. Like im in a constant come down state from shrooms i can sit here and come up with different ways to say how I felt and feel currently all day
I was confused and all I could loop about was death, afterlife, meaning of life, meaning of suffering, existential dread, just very nihilistic thoughts, but when my psychiatrist put me on Olanzapine and lamotragine I felt almost 180 better for two weeks they really flew by
Except uh oh it stopped fkn working??!?? Its been a whole week of me feeling just as bad if not worse than I was feeling, I was holding out hope for my next psychiatrist appointment but it ended up really bad and disappointing
She basically told me im beyond her help and suggested its my use of cannabis thats the cause. She gave a place for me to go inpatient and I dont think thats a terrible idea
I’ve never been in inpatient care before so naturally this has me very nervous. The place she suggested only does very short term like 5 day stays. Additionally they can’t guarantee a bed for me over the phone so we’d have to drive all the way there, wait for them to do intake questions, just for them to decide whether or not im worthy of taking in lol
Im still optimistic about it though, it would be 5 days sober that I havent been since high school, and according to my psych they may put me on different meds that hopefully work. After I was told that im beyond my psychs help, shocker, i felt very helpless and feel like this is the last thing I can try.
Things that have me nervous are what items I can bring with me to keep me busy, what I should bring with me in general actually, I’m super pee shy and hope I would be given privacy and breathing room to use the bathroom. Very insomniac cannot sleep without weed but I guess I’ll have to
Obviously im very distressed and know very little about the upcoming process (were going monday) and I was wondering if anyone is in or has ever been in a similar situation, and if so what helped you

1 year of stardust, man I already feel weird about it. This was one of my top albums of last year honestly, right next to Paramore’s This is Why and 100 gecs’ 10000 gecs etc. I will say this is not a perfect album but it’s an album they needed to come back with. With that, I’m gonna rank and give takes about each track and rank them in the end.
If you have read another braindead writing of mine before about MANIA last year. I’m gonna try to summarize my thoughts on each song in 10 words or less
Love From The Other Side
(Epic Return to Form is Epic)
When Patrick said he made an overture, he was not kidding. This was epic and iconic, from the intro itself, the piano phase and orchestra already set the tone of the song. With the follow-up on the percussion and guitars, we know we are in for a grand opening. With lyrical content containing struggles with their continued fame still in the first verse and of course love in general in the chorus and 2nd verse. This is no doubt the best single that Fall Out Boy has returned to form a huge grandiose feeling from the arrangement after MANIA which was probably the experimental era of them and gave fans divisive opinions towards them.
Heartbreak Feels So Good
(And MANIA returns to haunt me but it’s serviceable?)
In my opinion the most “MANIA”-esque song here, based on the quality overall. Most of the lines here feel very generic, especially the chorus having the case of reusing the same words and acting like a chorus (See Champion, Irresistible, AB/AP in general etc). The lines from the pre-chorus “It was an uphill battle but they didn’t know they didn’t know we were gonna use the ramp to take off ” does not make sense when the song is about feeling good post-breakup. This is probably a case of the song not fully branched out or me not being smart about the lyrics but I am not a fan.
Hold Me Like A Grudge
(The radio hit of the album)
I recognized the similar riffs of “Another One Bites The Dust” by Queen immediately from the opening riff. Maybe it is from the same key or chords. Honestly, this arguably has the best chorus here in terms of this album. A lot of grooves here. Easy to sing along and personally the first song I remembered the lyrics to in this album and it’s very unexpected (the first song I wanted to fully remember here is So Much (For) Stardust). This shows how catchy and easy to catch onto the Fall Out Boy bandwagon. This is probably the first song now that I’ll recommend to a person who’s new to Fall Out Boy and doesn’t know where to start.
Fake Out
(Grows onto you like a good made-up memory)
This is probably the song that will grow on people instead of an instant hit based on the comments here and personal experiences. As a person who just feels apathetic over love, this feels like my personal anthem on the subject. In addition, the line “Make No Plans So None Can Be Broken” is just a relatable line here. The synths here actually help in this track as it helps to boost the campy tune of the instrumental instead of just going full in your face. When you have a powerhouse vocalist that is Patrick, it’s better to have sounds that support his voice and not fight against it. (EH HM YOUNG AND MENACE)
Heaven, Iowa
(Unexpected slow burner? But it works here)
The shaker on the intro probably distracts me here. I wished I liked this song but something seems off? I get the idea that less is more but this seems too empty. Perhaps it’s because the song feels very disjointed but this is my opinion. Other than that, the line “Half your life, You’ve been hooked on death” is an amazing line on the concept of being addicted to wanting to end it all. Weirdly enough I think if they have composed it differently, I can see them serve as an album closer and I would have no arguments.
So Good Right Now
(Surf Rock, but why do I feel like buying a car?)
This might be my least favourite here. The opening riffs sound like a commercial ad song that you unwilling have inside your brain. It makes me chuckle a lot thinking about listening to whatever product while having this on the background but also cringe because of how the song starts and then swarms with the millennial whoop of “oh oh oh” in between which makes me switch off my brain. This at least makes me bob my head around and feel good but as a shitter that likes to dive into lyrics, probably not the song for me.
The Pink Seashell
(Intermission with I guess makes sense here)
I did not see “Love Bites” where the speech is from so I don’t know if I need context in this case. The lines here are honestly I do agree with but it just feels extremely nihilistic here? Maybe younger me would appreciate this but current me is more optimistic I guess to fully relate to the words here.
I Am My Own Muse
(SPECIAL NUGGET SAUCE)
The opening violin here makes this song an iconic one already. It gives a very big grandiose feeling for the songs and the instrumentals boost the idea a whole lot. This has the best bridge out of other songs and the instrumental gives the song a reflective and melodrama outlook. As much as I want to give credit to this song, the chorus is probably the weakest here. “Got to throw this year away like a bad luck charm” sounds dated accidentally because of how it sounds relating to COVID when in reality it is not at all but instead about having a shit year in general. But heh “Special Nugget Sauce” lol, guess we got old Fall Out Boy songs with misheard lyrics.
Flu Game
(Fun, but feels forced and not natural?)
Amazing Chorus. I am a sucker for Swing, But the verses kill me here due to how weird the tempo and pacing of the song are or the lyrical content makes me cringe because of my past experiences with romance but whatever. The line “All this effort to make it look effortless” lowkey reminds me of Alpha Dog which probably is the same since it’s referencing Michael Jordan with the Flu Game (he said the title woah) and where Alpha Dog rambles more with “We must make it hard to, Look so easy doing something so hard” The overall feeling does feel playful and feel of attitude but not all the way? Maybe if they went full swing/big band on this song I would be into this song much more.
Baby Annihilation
(The return of the Pete speeches)
Ah Yes, more monologue from Pete himself. I get the idea of wearing masks and the glorification of faking things in general for the internet and personal gain. But maybe it’s due to the overexposure to the concept which is why I feel indifferent towards it. Basically, I am saying that this idea of one person, multiple masks is overdone.
The Kintsugi Kid (Ten Years)
(PERSONAL BIAS BUT BEST SONG NO CAP)
I know that this song is an underrated one and not a lot of people even give a lot of thoughts and opinions on this song based on posts I’ve seen online. This opinion is 100% biased but this is a very personal song for me. Being a person who struggles a lot with mental health issues throughout my teens. This hits on a personal spot where the song makes me feel like returning to home or a place I spent time when I was young. Weirdly enough even Melon Man Anthony Fantano thinks this is one of their better tracks here which I guess I have similar taste to him. (I’m joking lol) The one thing I do have to nitpick is I hoped the song mirrored the lyrics of the song i.e. Patrick singing on his lower range when he sings low and vice versa which Heaven, Iowa did but overall this song is a personal favourite and the actual underrated song.
What A Time To Be Alive
(The singalong for the end of feeling joy)
[TW S**c*d*]
This should’ve been one of the singles not gonna lie. Fall Out Boy needs more guitar solos I swear and the bridge just feels danceable as hell and if we wanna go the full “gang chant” or group vocals the bridge is right there. It reminds me of the idea in the song Bulletproof Love where the song is written like a suicide note in contrast to how upbeat the song sounds. The sense of irony is visible here and this song probably gives me the best representation of the point “Post Folie-A-Deux” in terms of lyrical content even though I disagree with the idea in general which I will explain in the end.
So Much (For) Stardust
(Best closer that made me cry on release listening)
Hot Take Time, is the best outro of all Fall Out Boy albums. No competitions, this is my final decision. I remember on first listen at midnight being blown away emotionally because of how good it is. I need to hear this live before I die, I want to experience this glorious arrangement before I am gone. and the choir on the outro, I think this is a very big case of objectively a good song and an extra case of personal attachment. Plus knowing the fact that this song GOT THE MUSIC VIDEO TREATMENT, I AM FOR CERTAIN THIS IS OLD FALL OUT BOY AND IT GOT ME SOBBING INTERNALLY.
To ramble and yap on some stuff though, there are a lot of missteps here that they could’ve done. (See Patrick’s idea on starting Love From The Other Side with a Metallica-esque guitar riff). While some of it they have kind of done in my opinion with the opinions I have said above on each song. One thing I have seen from the reactions of online reviewers is that the fans feel very indifferent towards it and the haters think that this is actually a solid comeback towards them. In my opinion, this album grows on you a lot. But this can’t be an album that is immediately after Folie honestly, the amount of lowkey sampling reminds me of American Beauty/American Psycho which Uma Thurman and Fourth of July have been heavily sampled from other artists and media. It however does not mean it is bad though. This is a whole upgrade compared to how cohesive and authentic 2010s Fall Out Boy was without mistaking them to be “insert band here that was popular in 2010s”. The writing on the chorus feels like it has the best upgrade, which speaks a lot since the best chorus back in MANIA was Bishop’s Knife Trick but some songs still fall victim to reusing the same words and millennial whoops (So Good Right Now, Heartbreak Feels So Good, Flu Game) Based on this album I need them to fully commit to an Orchestra Rock album, it seems like a strong identity for them.
Personal Ranking (Without Monologues)
So Much For Stardust
Love From The Other Side
The Kintsuki Kid (Ten Years)
I Am My Own Muse
What A Time To Be Alive
Hold Me Like A Grudge
Fake Out
Flu Game
Heaven, Iowa
Heartbreak Feels So Good
So Good Right Now

TW: suicide, transphobia & bullying
Wow! Okay, I never actually thought I would ever make a reddit post but here we are. Someone adviced me not to do this since I'm probably gonna get dragged through the mud by people online but oh well... bring it reddit show me what you got if that's the case.
Also I am using a throw away account for this if that wasn't obvious. And I should mention it's pretty long because it requires context.
So I (22 AFAB/transmasc) am an international sophomore college student currently majoring in theatre.
Unfortunately this also means I have an accent, which some people have relentlessly made fun of me for, from using it as a reason to claim I don't "belong" in the theatre program to outright calling me iliterate/retarded or treating me as if I'm stupid for it, which I'm already sensitive to as I have ADHD.
And these comments weren't helped by the fact that last year I experienced some harrassment from multiple people, starting with a transphobic roommate that got progressively so physically violent towards me campus living and some RAs had to step in and move me out ASAP.
To a little trio the next semester (let's call them the Wannabe Plastics) who made it their life's mission to make my life hell for as long as they could after Michael Knowles came out with his whole "transgenderism must be eradicated" BS speech. They did things like shoving me in the hallways, making fun of me in class whenever I had to present, making comments about detransitioners (they called them "de transformers") being proof that the "transgenderism ideology" is bullshit and doesn't belong in the LGB (they were all cis gay/bi) to even suggesting at some point that there should be "extermination camps like they did for jews in WWII" for people like me.
And ngl, I ended up calling some suicide helplines multiple times due to this, but eventually managed to pull through specially after telling a professor who started shutting their shit down as soon as they tried to harrass me in class and overall supporting me. I also found comfort in the fact that most people seemed to be on my side and think they were really stupid (since for example it's not like Michael Knowles supports gay/bi people either?).
Skip to last Fall Semester. I meet Jake (24M) who along with me auditioned for the Musical Theatre Program (MT). We immediately bonded since we were both older (most people are 17- 21), and international students. Anyways he got in and I did not. And immediately some people in the MT program started making fun of me saying I didn't get in because of my accent or calling me musically illiterate (I got so mad at that comment since I worked my ass off to be here, I know I probably play more instruments than most of them anyways and even if I didn' t that is not a reason to insult someone since not everyone has the money or priviledge to afford private lessons like most of them that I started playing Chopin on the piano in front of them to get them to shut up and leave me alone).
Despite this, me and Jake remained friends and even he said he wasn't okay with the way they were treating me.
That is until he became the new sensation amongst MTs and all of them, specially the girls who made fun of me started hitting on him and practically treating him like a god. (mind you he has a girlfriend and I heard from someone else that he started hitting on every single one of these girls at a party in front of her and made her cry).
Well one day we had to work on an assignment together and he was really excited about it so we kept picking dates and times outside of class to meet up and work on it.
And everytime said... time came, he would stand me up and go hang out with the same people who made fun of me. The first time he did this I told him I wasn't okay with that, that it really hurt since I waited for an hour and I would've appreciated at least a text saying he wasn't gonna be able to make it... also that tbh waiting for an hour did make me feel humilliated and cry (you see where I'm starting to be the asshole and sounding manipulative).
Anyways he kept doing that for a while and eventually I got sick of this and after he started misgendering me during one class I told him I would just do the assignment with someone else (let's call her Iris) since he just kept ditching me anyways.
Well this absolutely set him off. He went nuts on me and started yelling saying it was unfair for me to change partners last minute, and when I tried to get a word in he immediately shut me up and said "No you know what?! I'm fucking sick of you and you trying to make me feel guilty for ditching you. I'm fucking done with you" and stormed off. (those exact words were ingrained in my brain bc this was the last time he spoke to me)
I was shocked and I texted him a lot of LONG texts since he didn't let me get a word in before storming off trying to clear the air saying there was probably some miscommunication and that i didn't mean to switch partners last minute or make him feel bad, that from my side of things he just kept ditching me and not wanting to do the assignment with me but nevertheless I apologized for the part I personally played in this. And I acknowledge now this was not the right move and if he stormed off he probably wanted space. I also tend to text a lot bc of my ADHD which I am aware most people find annoying and I'm trying to work on that.
Anyways later in the day Iris told me she found him and asked him how he was. He confessed to her that even though he didn't wish me ill we were just not compatible as people, he had been wanting to get rid of me for a while and found me annoying/needy/boring and super manipulative, wasn't actually planning to do the assignment with me etc and that this is why nobody liked me or wanted to be friends with me. Also apologized for me being a bitch and bringing Iris into this mess.
After she told me this I broke down in front of her which made her uncomfy obviously (so you see again me being too emotional etc) Specially bc he knew I suffer from severe social anxiety and have a history of abuse so comments like "this is why no one likes you" cut really deep. (also about a week prior when he referred to me as my friend I had confessed that relieved me since I had been burned so much in the past that I don't consider someone sees me as a friend until they directly say so... so that hurt)
So I impulsively sent him another LONG text explaining I was sorry l ever made him feel that way and that I wished he had just told me instead of asking me to do the assignment with him in the first place but I also got why he didn't. That being said I would leave him alone and stop texting/talking to him if that's what he wanted.
After this he unfollowed me on social media and went around spreading rumors about me being a manipulative and dangeorus psycho bitch. And since he was so well liked people didn't really question it. Immediately people started shunning me, avoiding me and talking about it. And to make it worse he tried to pull a Regina George and started purposefully aproaching the guy he knew I had a crush on and telling him shit / warning him about me... which I did my best to ignore such as choosing to stand away from them in dance class... however even when I tried to stay away he would find ways to follow me with crush and standing in front me being cartoonishly friendly with him and constantly glancing back at me and smirking making sure I was seeing that.
(SIDE NOTE: before all this I had noticed crush guy being weird with me and I had "confronted" him letting him know about my social anxiety and being neurodivergent and how if someone had a problem with me I needed to be told directly but I genuinely wanted to be his friend which I can now see how that can also seem creepy AND manipulative too)
Then the little agression I was experiencing from people in the department increased ten fold. It got so bad I started skipping class bc I felt so physically ill or having panic attacks in the middle of class, I once had to leave in the middle of class and locked myself in a bathroom stall and cried for the rest of class... which of course was used to showcase my "psycho behaviors" and the fact that I have mental issues and am dangerous to be around.
I soon became the one person in the department to be unofficially blacklisted from parties and literally the one person to never be invited so much so that when I was in a play that semester everyone was talking about the closing party my crush was throwing that night in front of me and everyone in the cast was invited except for me. It was being talked about in a "oh yeah we are having a party and everyone is invited... except for you we don't want you there sorry". I was just getting excluded from everything and in case you didn't know already theatre kids can be ruthless.
I tried to ignore this for a while and focus on school. I guess he realized this wasn't working anymore? So after a while he approached a professor he had been trying to charm and basically tried to convince him to fail me bc according to him I was always late for class and ruining his learning experience "because SOME of us do want to learn in this class" (<- his actual words, also this was the same class the og assignment was for).
I intially rolled my eyes at this and tried to go about my day (since i had only really been late twice and FAR fewer times than Jake), until said professor pulled me aside after class to talk about what Jake said and lightly scolding me/telling me "he is just a professor and can't force me to care about his class if I dont want to but to get my shit together please and stop being late". This made me want to cry and when I stepped out of the classroom and saw Jake proudly smirking at me I almost blew up at him and asked him to leave me the fuck alone. It specially worried me bc the only reason I can afford college right now is bc of my scholarship which I could loose if my GPA goes down by failing classes.
He also got a bit more aggresive with me in the subsequent weeks and went from purposefully pretending I wasn't there and greeting everyone around me BUT me to doing things like holding a door open for me and slamming it in my face the moment I tried to walk in.
I then tried to make up for everything by focusing on "improving my craft" wanting to get cast in one of the next production's plays while everyone was out partying without me. Well the day of the audition came and I bombed it. I also found out that an actor I really admire (he has always been open about growing up with a stutter and suffering from bipolar which for someone with social anxiety/ADHD/depression can be quite comforting when I'm feeling down) cast Jake and his gf in a new play he was producing, on top of that, Jake on top of being charismatic has a lot of connections and may have pulled some strings to get me blacklisted in a bunch of local theatre companies succesfully ruining my career before it even started?, (needless to say I was one of the few people who didn't get cast in anything). THEN since my therapist had suggested it I started looking into transferring to another school and I couldn't find one that could work/I couldnt afford. And to top it off I also had an encounter with the Wannabe Plastics that day
Well I fucking lost it that night and I wrote a vague suicide note on my close friends instagram story which only has like 7 people AT MOST (most of which are people who don't even go to my school) basically saying I was sorry for being such a downer lately, clarifying whatever I was going to do was not their fault and that I was tired and Jake and the Wannane Plastics won. After that I tried to overdose on pills and end my life.
However, someone had noticed something was off about me that day and I guess fearing I would go "psycho mode" like Jake suggested, they anonymously tried to get me arrested/called the cops on me. However, the cops quickly realized what was happening, and instead called an ambulance and got me to the hospital. Not a lot of important stuff happened here other than me obviously not dying since I'm writing this. Well turns out that even though I didn't want people to even know I was in the hospital (unless I succeeded since I wouldn't be here to care duh) in the first place word got out and my instagram stories got shared everywhere and A LOT of people in the department found out (a friend of mine who saw the instagram story was even surprised by this since it was really vague and again, very few people could see it).
I saw Jake in class the day before winter break after I got out of the hospital. And since we had to present a song that resonated with us in the form of a monologue I picked "Enemy" from Arcane (cheesy I know) and performed it while garnering the courage to stare at Jake directly in the eye the entire time. (In my head it was my own little moment of empowerment and finally facing the guy who had been making me miserable for months instead of looking down and not fighting back). He was obviously not too happy with that and tried to humilliate me in front of everyone by talking about my "bad diction"/performance.
So now let us skip to the present.
I came back with a plan to work on myself and leave the past behind. And ever since i got back I hadn't since Jake or my crush around. And people started treating me weird. Some giving me sympathetic looks yet still avoiding me, others looking at me with disgust and still being pretty hostile with me. I saw that Jake got cast in an out of town production and left to work on it which I did not think much off other than feeling relief since his presence alone triggers me and sends me into flight or fight response.
Well after a few weeks of me still being shunned by everyone I find that people are discussing how Jake might not come back and he may or may not have told people it's because of me. So now there is this weird divide of obviously no one wanting anything to do with me but half of them feel somewhat bad for me/sympathetic since they found out about my suicide attempt and also think Jake is a dick (for other things he has done to people??), and the other half hating my guts and thinking my suicide attempt was just another way of me trying to manipulate people and me pulling a power play on everyone to make Jake feel miserable and guilty/ now blame me for Jake leaving.
Which made me deeply uncomfy since on top of being buried in hospital bills right now and in debt, and everyone finding out I was in the hospital for that despite me not wanting people to know... some people are painting my attempt as a form of manipulation which I guess it could be seen as one?
I know people can and do use suicide to manipulate others, and I want to say that wasn't my intention but I guess my intentions here don't matter as much since in any case word still got out and people CAN be manipulative unintentionally.
So what do you think internet stangers? Am I the asshole? Just and asshole in general?

TW: suicide, transphobia & bullying
Wow! Okay, I never actually thought I would ever make a reddit post but here we are. Someone adviced me not to do this since I'm probably gonna get dragged through the mud by people online but oh well... bring it reddit show me what you got if that's the case.
Also I am using a throw away account for this if that wasn't obvious. And I should mention it's pretty long because it requires context.
So I (22 AFAB/transmasc) am an international sophomore college student currently majoring in theatre.
Unfortunately this also means I have an accent, which some people have relentlessly made fun of me for, from using it as a reason to claim I don't "belong" in the theatre program to outright calling me iliterate/retarded or treating me as if I'm stupid for it, which I'm already sensitive to as I have ADHD.
And these comments weren't helped by the fact that last year I experienced some harrassment from multiple people, starting with a transphobic roommate that got progressively so physically violent towards me campus living and some RAs had to step in and move me out ASAP.
To a little trio the next semester (let's call them the Wannabe Plastics) who made it their life's mission to make my life hell for as long as they could after Michael Knowles came out with his whole "transgenderism must be eradicated" BS speech. They did things like shoving me in the hallways, making fun of me in class whenever I had to present, making comments about detransitioners (they called them "de transformers") being proof that the "transgenderism ideology" is bullshit and doesn't belong in the LGB (they were all cis gay/bi) to even suggesting at some point that there should be "extermination camps like they did for jews in WWII" for people like me.
And ngl, I ended up calling some suicide helplines multiple times due to this, but eventually managed to pull through specially after telling a professor who started shutting their shit down as soon as they tried to harrass me in class and overall supporting me. I also found comfort in the fact that most people seemed to be on my side and think they were really stupid (since for example it's not like Michael Knowles supports gay/bi people either?).
Skip to last Fall Semester. I meet Jake (24M) who along with me auditioned for the Musical Theatre Program (MT). We immediately bonded since we were both older (most people are 17- 21), and international students. Anyways he got in and I did not. And immediately some people in the MT program started making fun of me saying I didn't get in because of my accent or calling me musically illiterate (I got so mad at that comment since I worked my ass off to be here, I know I probably play more instruments than most of them anyways and even if I didn' t that is not a reason to insult someone since not everyone has the money or priviledge to afford private lessons like most of them that I started playing Chopin on the piano in front of them to get them to shut up and leave me alone).
Despite this, me and Jake remained friends and even he said he wasn't okay with the way they were treating me.
That is until he became the new sensation amongst MTs and all of them, specially the girls who made fun of me started hitting on him and practically treating him like a god. (mind you he has a girlfriend and I heard from someone else that he started hitting on every single one of these girls at a party in front of her and made her cry).
Well one day we had to work on an assignment together and he was really excited about it so we kept picking dates and times outside of class to meet up and work on it.
And everytime said... time came, he would stand me up and go hang out with the same people who made fun of me. The first time he did this I told him I wasn't okay with that, that it really hurt since I waited for an hour and I would've appreciated at least a text saying he wasn't gonna be able to make it... also that tbh waiting for an hour did make me feel humilliated and cry (you see where I'm starting to be the asshole and sounding manipulative).
Anyways he kept doing that for a while and eventually I got sick of this and after he started misgendering me during one class I told him I would just do the assignment with someone else (let's call her Iris) since he just kept ditching me anyways.
Well this absolutely set him off. He went nuts on me and started yelling saying it was unfair for me to change partners last minute, and when I tried to get a word in he immediately shut me up and said "No you know what?! I'm fucking sick of you and you trying to make me feel guilty for ditching you. I'm fucking done with you" and stormed off. (those exact words were ingrained in my brain bc this was the last time he spoke to me)
I was shocked and I texted him a lot of LONG texts since he didn't let me get a word in before storming off trying to clear the air saying there was probably some miscommunication and that i didn't mean to switch partners last minute or make him feel bad, that from my side of things he just kept ditching me and not wanting to do the assignment with me but nevertheless I apologized for the part I personally played in this. And I acknowledge now this was not the right move and if he stormed off he probably wanted space. I also tend to text a lot bc of my ADHD which I am aware most people find annoying and I'm trying to work on that.
Anyways later in the day Iris told me she found him and asked him how he was. He confessed to her that even though he didn't wish me ill we were just not compatible as people, he had been wanting to get rid of me for a while and found me annoying/needy/boring and super manipulative, wasn't actually planning to do the assignment with me etc and that this is why nobody liked me or wanted to be friends with me. Also apologized for me being a bitch and bringing Iris into this mess.
After she told me this I broke down in front of her which made her uncomfy obviously (so you see again me being too emotional etc) Specially bc he knew I suffer from severe social anxiety and have a history of abuse so comments like "this is why no one likes you" cut really deep. (also about a week prior when he referred to me as my friend I had confessed that relieved me since I had been burned so much in the past that I don't consider someone sees me as a friend until they directly say so... so that hurt)
So I impulsively sent him another LONG text explaining I was sorry l ever made him feel that way and that I wished he had just told me instead of asking me to do the assignment with him in the first place but I also got why he didn't. That being said I would leave him alone and stop texting/talking to him if that's what he wanted.
After this he unfollowed me on social media and went around spreading rumors about me being a manipulative and dangeorus psycho bitch. And since he was so well liked people didn't really question it. Immediately people started shunning me, avoiding me and talking about it. And to make it worse he tried to pull a Regina George and started purposefully aproaching the guy he knew I had a crush on and telling him shit / warning him about me... which I did my best to ignore such as choosing to stand away from them in dance class... however even when I tried to stay away he would find ways to follow me with crush and standing in front me being cartoonishly friendly with him and constantly glancing back at me and smirking making sure I was seeing that.
(SIDE NOTE: before all this I had noticed crush guy being weird with me and I had "confronted" him letting him know about my social anxiety and being neurodivergent and how if someone had a problem with me I needed to be told directly but I genuinely wanted to be his friend which I can now see how that can also seem creepy AND manipulative too)
Then the little agression I was experiencing from people in the department increased ten fold. It got so bad I started skipping class bc I felt so physically ill or having panic attacks in the middle of class, I once had to leave in the middle of class and locked myself in a bathroom stall and cried for the rest of class... which of course was used to showcase my "psycho behaviors" and the fact that I have mental issues and am dangerous to be around.
I soon became the one person in the department to be unofficially blacklisted from parties and literally the one person to never be invited so much so that when I was in a play that semester everyone was talking about the closing party my crush was throwing that night in front of me and everyone in the cast was invited except for me. It was being talked about in a "oh yeah we are having a party and everyone is invited... except for you we don't want you there sorry". I was just getting excluded from everything and in case you didn't know already theatre kids can be ruthless.
I tried to ignore this for a while and focus on school. I guess he realized this wasn't working anymore? So after a while he approached a professor he had been trying to charm and basically tried to convince him to fail me bc according to him I was always late for class and ruining his learning experience "because SOME of us do want to learn in this class" (<- his actual words, also this was the same class the og assignment was for).
I intially rolled my eyes at this and tried to go about my day (since i had only really been late twice and FAR fewer times than Jake), until said professor pulled me aside after class to talk about what Jake said and lightly scolding me/telling me "he is just a professor and can't force me to care about his class if I dont want to but to get my shit together please and stop being late". This made me want to cry and when I stepped out of the classroom and saw Jake proudly smirking at me I almost blew up at him and asked him to leave me the fuck alone. It specially worried me bc the only reason I can afford college right now is bc of my scholarship which I could loose if my GPA goes down by failing classes.
He also got a bit more aggresive with me in the subsequent weeks and went from purposefully pretending I wasn't there and greeting everyone around me BUT me to doing things like holding a door open for me and slamming it in my face the moment I tried to walk in.
I then tried to make up for everything by focusing on "improving my craft" wanting to get cast in one of the next production's plays while everyone was out partying without me. Well the day of the audition came and I bombed it. I also found out that an actor I really admire (he has always been open about growing up with a stutter and suffering from bipolar which for someone with social anxiety/ADHD/depression can be quite comforting when I'm feeling down) cast Jake and his gf in a new play he was producing, on top of that, Jake on top of being charismatic has a lot of connections and may have pulled some strings to get me blacklisted in a bunch of local theatre companies succesfully ruining my career before it even started?, (needless to say I was one of the few people who didn't get cast in anything). THEN since my therapist had suggested it I started looking into transferring to another school and I couldn't find one that could work/I couldnt afford. And to top it off I also had an encounter with the Wannabe Plastics that day
Well I fucking lost it that night and I wrote a vague suicide note on my close friends instagram story which only has like 7 people AT MOST (most of which are people who don't even go to my school) basically saying I was sorry for being such a downer lately, clarifying whatever I was going to do was not their fault and that I was tired and Jake and the Wannane Plastics won. After that I tried to overdose on pills and end my life.
However, someone had noticed something was off about me that day and I guess fearing I would go "psycho mode" like Jake suggested, they anonymously tried to get me arrested/called the cops on me. However, the cops quickly realized what was happening, and instead called an ambulance and got me to the hospital. Not a lot of important stuff happened here other than me obviously not dying since I'm writing this. Well turns out that even though I didn't want people to even know I was in the hospital (unless I succeeded since I wouldn't be here to care duh) in the first place word got out and my instagram stories got shared everywhere and A LOT of people in the department found out (a friend of mine who saw the instagram story was even surprised by this since it was really vague and again, very few people could see it).
I saw Jake in class the day before winter break after I got out of the hospital. And since we had to present a song that resonated with us in the form of a monologue I picked "Enemy" from Arcane (cheesy I know) and performed it while garnering the courage to stare at Jake directly in the eye the entire time. (In my head it was my own little moment of empowerment and finally facing the guy who had been making me miserable for months instead of looking down and not fighting back). He was obviously not too happy with that and tried to humilliate me in front of everyone by talking about my "bad diction"/performance.
So now let us skip to the present.
I came back with a plan to work on myself and leave the past behind. And ever since i got back I hadn't since Jake or my crush around. And people started treating me weird. Some giving me sympathetic looks yet still avoiding me, others looking at me with disgust and still being pretty hostile with me. I saw that Jake got cast in an out of town production and left to work on it which I did not think much off other than feeling relief since his presence alone triggers me and sends me into flight or fight response.
Well after a few weeks of me still being shunned by everyone I find that people are discussing how Jake might not come back and he may or may not have told people it's because of me. So now there is this weird divide of obviously no one wanting anything to do with me but half of them feel somewhat bad for me/sympathetic since they found out about my suicide attempt and also think Jake is a dick (for other things he has done to people??), and the other half hating my guts and thinking my suicide attempt was just another way of me trying to manipulate people and me pulling a power play on everyone to make Jake feel miserable and guilty/ now blame me for Jake leaving.
Which made me deeply uncomfy since on top of being buried in hospital bills right now and in debt, and everyone finding out I was in the hospital for that despite me not wanting people to know... some people are painting my attempt as a form of manipulation which I guess it could be seen as one?
I know people can and do use suicide to manipulate others, and I want to say that wasn't my intention but I guess my intentions here don't matter as much since in any case word still got out and people CAN be manipulative unintentionally.
So what do you think internet stangers? Am I the asshole? Just and asshole in general?

TW: suicide, transphobia & bullying
Wow! Okay, I never actually thought I would ever make a reddit post but here we are. Someone adviced me not to do this since I'm probably gonna get dragged through the mud by people online but oh well... bring it reddit show me what you got if that's the case.
Also I am using a throw away account for this if that wasn't obvious. And I should mention it's pretty long because it requires context.
So I (22 AFAB/transmasc) am an international sophomore college student currently majoring in theatre.
Unfortunately this also means I have an accent, which some people have relentlessly made fun of me for, from using it as a reason to claim I don't "belong" in the theatre program to outright calling me iliterate/retarded or treating me as if I'm stupid for it, which I'm already sensitive to as I have ADHD.
And these comments weren't helped by the fact that last year I experienced some harrassment from multiple people, starting with a transphobic roommate that got progressively so physically violent towards me campus living and some RAs had to step in and move me out ASAP.
To a little trio the next semester (let's call them the Wannabe Plastics) who made it their life's mission to make my life hell for as long as they could after Michael Knowles came out with his whole "transgenderism must be eradicated" BS speech. They did things like shoving me in the hallways, making fun of me in class whenever I had to present, making comments about detransitioners (they called them "de transformers") being proof that the "transgenderism ideology" is bullshit and doesn't belong in the LGB (they were all cis gay/bi) to even suggesting at some point that there should be "extermination camps like they did for jews in WWII" for people like me.
And ngl, I ended up calling some suicide helplines multiple times due to this, but eventually managed to pull through specially after telling a professor who started shutting their shit down as soon as they tried to harrass me in class and overall supporting me. I also found comfort in the fact that most people seemed to be on my side and think they were really stupid (since for example it's not like Michael Knowles supports gay/bi people either?).
Skip to last Fall Semester. I meet Jake (24M) who along with me auditioned for the Musical Theatre Program (MT). We immediately bonded since we were both older (most people are 17- 21), and international students. Anyways he got in and I did not. And immediately some people in the MT program started making fun of me saying I didn't get in because of my accent or calling me musically illiterate (I got so mad at that comment since I worked my ass off to be here, I know I probably play more instruments than most of them anyways and even if I didn' t that is not a reason to insult someone since not everyone has the money or priviledge to afford private lessons like most of them that I started playing Chopin on the piano in front of them to get them to shut up and leave me alone).
Despite this, me and Jake remained friends and even he said he wasn't okay with the way they were treating me.
That is until he became the new sensation amongst MTs and all of them, specially the girls who made fun of me started hitting on him and practically treating him like a god. (mind you he has a girlfriend and I heard from someone else that he started hitting on every single one of these girls at a party in front of her and made her cry).
Well one day we had to work on an assignment together and he was really excited about it so we kept picking dates and times outside of class to meet up and work on it.
And everytime said... time came, he would stand me up and go hang out with the same people who made fun of me. The first time he did this I told him I wasn't okay with that, that it really hurt since I waited for an hour and I would've appreciated at least a text saying he wasn't gonna be able to make it... also that tbh waiting for an hour did make me feel humilliated and cry (you see where I'm starting to be the asshole and sounding manipulative).
Anyways he kept doing that for a while and eventually I got sick of this and after he started misgendering me during one class I told him I would just do the assignment with someone else (let's call her Iris) since he just kept ditching me anyways.
Well this absolutely set him off. He went nuts on me and started yelling saying it was unfair for me to change partners last minute, and when I tried to get a word in he immediately shut me up and said "No you know what?! I'm fucking sick of you and you trying to make me feel guilty for ditching you. I'm fucking done with you" and stormed off. (those exact words were ingrained in my brain bc this was the last time he spoke to me)
I was shocked and I texted him a lot of LONG texts since he didn't let me get a word in before storming off trying to clear the air saying there was probably some miscommunication and that i didn't mean to switch partners last minute or make him feel bad, that from my side of things he just kept ditching me and not wanting to do the assignment with me but nevertheless I apologized for the part I personally played in this. And I acknowledge now this was not the right move and if he stormed off he probably wanted space. I also tend to text a lot bc of my ADHD which I am aware most people find annoying and I'm trying to work on that.
Anyways later in the day Iris told me she found him and asked him how he was. He confessed to her that even though he didn't wish me ill we were just not compatible as people, he had been wanting to get rid of me for a while and found me annoying/needy/boring and super manipulative, wasn't actually planning to do the assignment with me etc and that this is why nobody liked me or wanted to be friends with me. Also apologized for me being a bitch and bringing Iris into this mess.
After she told me this I broke down in front of her which made her uncomfy obviously (so you see again me being too emotional etc) Specially bc he knew I suffer from severe social anxiety and have a history of abuse so comments like "this is why no one likes you" cut really deep. (also about a week prior when he referred to me as my friend I had confessed that relieved me since I had been burned so much in the past that I don't consider someone sees me as a friend until they directly say so... so that hurt)
So I impulsively sent him another LONG text explaining I was sorry l ever made him feel that way and that I wished he had just told me instead of asking me to do the assignment with him in the first place but I also got why he didn't. That being said I would leave him alone and stop texting/talking to him if that's what he wanted.
After this he unfollowed me on social media and went around spreading rumors about me being a manipulative and dangeorus psycho bitch. And since he was so well liked people didn't really question it. Immediately people started shunning me, avoiding me and talking about it. And to make it worse he tried to pull a Regina George and started purposefully aproaching the guy he knew I had a crush on and telling him shit / warning him about me... which I did my best to ignore such as choosing to stand away from them in dance class... however even when I tried to stay away he would find ways to follow me with crush and standing in front me being cartoonishly friendly with him and constantly glancing back at me and smirking making sure I was seeing that.
(SIDE NOTE: before all this I had noticed crush guy being weird with me and I had "confronted" him letting him know about my social anxiety and being neurodivergent and how if someone had a problem with me I needed to be told directly but I genuinely wanted to be his friend which I can now see how that can also seem creepy AND manipulative too)
Then the little agression I was experiencing from people in the department increased ten fold. It got so bad I started skipping class bc I felt so physically ill or having panic attacks in the middle of class, I once had to leave in the middle of class and locked myself in a bathroom stall and cried for the rest of class... which of course was used to showcase my "psycho behaviors" and the fact that I have mental issues and am dangerous to be around.
I soon became the one person in the department to be unofficially blacklisted from parties and literally the one person to never be invited so much so that when I was in a play that semester everyone was talking about the closing party my crush was throwing that night in front of me and everyone in the cast was invited except for me. It was being talked about in a "oh yeah we are having a party and everyone is invited... except for you we don't want you there sorry". I was just getting excluded from everything and in case you didn't know already theatre kids can be ruthless.
I tried to ignore this for a while and focus on school. I guess he realized this wasn't working anymore? So after a while he approached a professor he had been trying to charm and basically tried to convince him to fail me bc according to him I was always late for class and ruining his learning experience "because SOME of us do want to learn in this class" (<- his actual words, also this was the same class the og assignment was for).
I intially rolled my eyes at this and tried to go about my day (since i had only really been late twice and FAR fewer times than Jake), until said professor pulled me aside after class to talk about what Jake said and lightly scolding me/telling me "he is just a professor and can't force me to care about his class if I dont want to but to get my shit together please and stop being late". This made me want to cry and when I stepped out of the classroom and saw Jake proudly smirking at me I almost blew up at him and asked him to leave me the fuck alone. It specially worried me bc the only reason I can afford college right now is bc of my scholarship which I could loose if my GPA goes down by failing classes.
He also got a bit more aggresive with me in the subsequent weeks and went from purposefully pretending I wasn't there and greeting everyone around me BUT me to doing things like holding a door open for me and slamming it in my face the moment I tried to walk in.
I then tried to make up for everything by focusing on "improving my craft" wanting to get cast in one of the next production's plays while everyone was out partying without me. Well the day of the audition came and I bombed it. I also found out that an actor I really admire (he has always been open about growing up with a stutter and suffering from bipolar which for someone with social anxiety/ADHD/depression can be quite comforting when I'm feeling down) cast Jake and his gf in a new play he was producing, on top of that, Jake on top of being charismatic has a lot of connections and may have pulled some strings to get me blacklisted in a bunch of local theatre companies succesfully ruining my career before it even started?, (needless to say I was one of the few people who didn't get cast in anything). THEN since my therapist had suggested it I started looking into transferring to another school and I couldn't find one that could work/I couldnt afford. And to top it off I also had an encounter with the Wannabe Plastics that day
Well I fucking lost it that night and I wrote a vague suicide note on my close friends instagram story which only has like 7 people AT MOST (most of which are people who don't even go to my school) basically saying I was sorry for being such a downer lately, clarifying whatever I was going to do was not their fault and that I was tired and Jake and the Wannane Plastics won. After that I tried to overdose on pills and end my life.
However, someone had noticed something was off about me that day and I guess fearing I would go "psycho mode" like Jake suggested, they anonymously tried to get me arrested/called the cops on me. However, the cops quickly realized what was happening, and instead called an ambulance and got me to the hospital. Not a lot of important stuff happened here other than me obviously not dying since I'm writing this. Well turns out that even though I didn't want people to even know I was in the hospital (unless I succeeded since I wouldn't be here to care duh) in the first place word got out and my instagram stories got shared everywhere and A LOT of people in the department found out (a friend of mine who saw the instagram story was even surprised by this since it was really vague and again, very few people could see it).
I saw Jake in class the day before winter break after I got out of the hospital. And since we had to present a song that resonated with us in the form of a monologue I picked "Enemy" from Arcane (cheesy I know) and performed it while garnering the courage to stare at Jake directly in the eye the entire time. (In my head it was my own little moment of empowerment and finally facing the guy who had been making me miserable for months instead of looking down and not fighting back). He was obviously not too happy with that and tried to humilliate me in front of everyone by talking about my "bad diction"/performance.
So now let us skip to the present.
I came back with a plan to work on myself and leave the past behind. And ever since i got back I hadn't since Jake or my crush around. And people started treating me weird. Some giving me sympathetic looks yet still avoiding me, others looking at me with disgust and still being pretty hostile with me. I saw that Jake got cast in an out of town production and left to work on it which I did not think much off other than feeling relief since his presence alone triggers me and sends me into flight or fight response.
Well after a few weeks of me still being shunned by everyone I find that people are discussing how Jake might not come back and he may or may not have told people it's because of me. So now there is this weird divide of obviously no one wanting anything to do with me but half of them feel somewhat bad for me/sympathetic since they found out about my suicide attempt and also think Jake is a dick (for other things he has done to people??), and the other half hating my guts and thinking my suicide attempt was just another way of me trying to manipulate people and me pulling a power play on everyone to make Jake feel miserable and guilty/ now blame me for Jake leaving.
Which made me deeply uncomfy since on top of being buried in hospital bills right now and in debt, and everyone finding out I was in the hospital for that despite me not wanting people to know... some people are painting my attempt as a form of manipulation which I guess it could be seen as one?
I know people can and do use suicide to manipulate others, and I want to say that wasn't my intention but I guess my intentions here don't matter as much since in any case word still got out and people CAN be manipulative unintentionally.
So what do you think internet stangers? Am I the asshole? Just and asshole in general?

Aijou Rentarou

Or maybe it's Aijo Rentaro as the anime spells it? I don't know.
​
Background: Rising high school student Aijou Rentarou had lived a life of heartbreak, having just gotten his 100th rejection from a girl he confessed his love to. Upon visiting a love shrine and praying to receive a girlfriend, he was told by the god of the shrine that he was destined to meet not just 1, but 100 soulmates during his coming years in high school. However, any soulmate that didn't fall in love with him and be happy would die a cruel death. Despite the seemingly insurmountable odds laid in front of him, Rentarou set out to accomplish the impossible task of dating 100 girls at the same time. Little did he know that his love for his girlfriends would unlock his potential, granting him superhuman abilities.
​
At the time of this post, Rentarou currently has 27 girlfriends who all have assembled into a friend group, forming connections with not just Rentarou, but each other.

• ​

Strength

Physical strength

• Gets over this room full of laser sensors, with the help of a rope and his girlfriend Karane
• Grabs his girlfriend Hakari after she falls off a building
• Grabs his girlfriend Kusuri after she falls off another building
• Catches this baseball that was moving fast enough to catch fire, explode his clothes off, and crack the ground
• Holds and fires this massive ball of "tsundere factor"
• Breaks down this door (though it takes a little while)
• Swings two shopping carts around, each with one hand
• Bears the weight of 13 to 14 people
• Keeps his grip on a car while getting dragged along the pavement
• Swims across a river with his girlfriend Nano on his back
• With the help of 3 others, sends 4 professional athletes flying off into the distance
• Withstands the strength of a freezing waterfall for six hours straight, two days in a row
  • Said waterfall was able to flatten several other people
• Holds onto a wall horizontally
• Beats up at least 15 people in a single afternoon
• Catches this stone ball thrown by Karane
  • Karane scales to the Gorira Alliance leader, who can stop a truck with one hand
• Might be able to break down this thick concrete wall? Unclear if he's successful
• Tackles Common Sense off a building and survives the resulting explosion
  • Common Sense appears to be the physical embodiment of common sense itself, so Rentarou might be able to destroy abstract concepts
• Holds back an entire judo club
• Catches a massive meteor which was magnetically attracted to him due to the effects of a magnetization drug and thus had its speed amplified

Vocal strength

• Along with his girlfriend Shizuka, produces a wave of cuteness that blasts 8 people through a wall
• Handily wins a competition where he has to proclaim his love the loudest
• Scares away a bear with his voice
• ​

Durability

Physical toughness

• Doesn't react to getting his face grabbed
• Gets hit by the Karane Catapult & Hakari Meteor Bullet
  • This attack is strong enough to shatter a window and launch Hakari far into the distance
• Falls several stories into a pool while holding Hakari
• Rapidly punched, punched in the face and suplexed by Karane in short order
• Vomits a large amount of blood and is fine
• Gets blasted by wave of cuteness hard enough to break the wall, then is the only person in the room to be able to get back up
• Might no longer have a sense of pain
• Blocks a fireball with his jacket
• Survives getting put in a backbreaker by Karane hard enough to make him cough blood
• After getting hit in the head by a meteor the size of a fist, survives with a bump on his head and amnesia
• Works hard enough at a construction site to shorten the time needed for road work by an entire day and night
• Survives a long fall from a helicopter onto a mass of hair, with the help of a ghost

Stomach capacity

• Eats this much Bocky
• Eats 5 peoples' lunches, leaving him looking like this
  • Said lunches included a bottle of pills and an entire tin can
• Wins an eating competition (though he had 7 girlfriends helping him)

Healing factor

• Gets a cookie rammed into his eye by Karane, then is fine a page later with no ill effects
  • Gets a Bocky stick rammed into the same eye by Karane shortly afterwards, and is fine with just some redness
• Wakes up from unconsciousness caused by blood loss when he hears his girlfriends are in danger
• Spends an evening falling onto the pavement to entertain his girlfriends after they were turned into babies, then rapidly recovers from getting his face ripped up
• After getting his spine broken from someone falling on him and suffering 4 more people falling on him, heals his spine with the power of love

Resistance to mental manipulation

• Resists the effects of a love potion out of a desire to confess without the influence of a drug
• Resists the effects of addictive cabbage because his addiction to kissing is even stronger
  • The cabbage was able to get a table full of his girlfriends hopelessly addicted
• Overcomes brainwashing by a god of infinity, rotating his neck 180 degrees in the process, even after the god multiplies the effect by a factor of 10
  • The god was able to brainwash an entire festival full of people with just his base power
• ​

Speed

• Catches Shizuka even after she was already incredibly close to hitting the ground
• Runs across half a baseball field to catch his girlfriend Iku before she falls
• Blocks a drink from hitting his girlfriend Mimimi
• Sucks up every drop of a drink that Mimimi spilled before it can hit her
• Catches 8 girlfriends after they got launched from the cuteness wave
• Runs as fast as a train while also carrying another person
• ​

Fourth Wall Breaking

Rentarou has repeatedly shown that he is aware he is in a manga, and is able to manipulate his situation. This ranges from mild toon force to low tier reality warping.

• References page counts
• Reads his own manga
• Escapes the confines of the manga
• After accidentally spoiling a scene, directly apologizes to the reader
• Destroys a text box
• Helps his artist draw the manga
  • Later points out a part of the world that he helped color in
• With the help of his uncle, writes millions of votes to rig the manga's popularity poll so all his girlfriends would get joint first place
• In his dreams, confronts the big cheese of the publishing business over the ethics of showing his girlfriends fake-drunk
• Gives birthdays to all his girlfriends
• Lifts up the manga page to check if his monologue covered up a plot element
• Rips away the ending page of the chapter
• ​

Misc.

• Hears Shizuka's very soft voice over a pool full of people
• Summons a UFO by kissing Hakari and Karane at the same time
  • The anime makes it more ambiguous as to whether this actually happened
• Performs every role in a play, possibly also cloning himself?

TRIGGER WARNING: S*icide attempt
My (21F) mom (51F) is furious at my fiancé (21M) and I don't know how to handle the situation anymore.
My Mom has been passive-aggressive towards my fiancé and actively avoiding him for a while now. Every conversation between them is cold and my mom looks pissed at everything he says (and when he doesn't say anything as well). It seems she is looking for any reason to be mad at him and lately has been making mean remarks to me about him which makes it seem like she's trying to turn me against him. I think I know why but I'm at a loss as to how I can resolve this or even if I can at all.
Last year, my mom kicked my fiancé out (he had been living with us for a year) because she couldn't financially support us both. My fiancé is struggling with job hunting and I have been too mentally unwell and was told not to work for now. They had a big talk in which I suspect my mom said nasty things to him (he hasn't told me much) and he left saying he was done with her. My mom has always been harsh when she is having a hard time and she had just started a new demanding job and the financial situation didn't help.
The fallout (TW):
In November, I made a s*icide attempt. I took a bunch of pills and was taken to the hospital after my fiancé called an ambulance. My Mom was not home and did not pick up the phone at the time. So she didn't know until the next morning.
I had signed papers designating my fiancé as the person to be contacted and to make decisions on my behalf, so he was the only one being told anything that was happening in the three days I spent in the hospital. Of course he kept my mom in the loop and told her everything, but she wasn't aloud to visit me since I was unconscious and it seriously distressed her. So when the hospital told her only my fiancé could see me, she was devastated. When I got out, they were both there and I don't remember anything else. She was super mad about the whole thing and of course sad about what happened and why. But when I explained my fiancé was my "trust person" and that's why they didn't call her or let her in, she was absolutely furious.
The thing is, I don't trust her to make decisions in my interest. My Mom has always been pretty selfish when caring for me, as in whatever it takes to keep my by her side. She would rather see me in a whole world of pain but alive than lose me. I have struggled with chronic pain my entire life so I obviously wouldn't want that. I however trusts my fiancé to make the decision that keeps me happy.
Anyway, since then, she has been increasingly aggressive towards him and despite taking his side, defending him and actively asking her to back down, nothing works. My Mom is hard to talk to, she will make monologues, cut you off and say mean things just to say she never said that literally 20s later. She likes to be right and will pout any time anyone disagrees with her. I have learned to deal with it but her being mean to my fiancé is making me downright mad.
My fiancé is very nice, very patient and has helped me a lot in my hard times. He stayed when I was at my worst and has helped me get way better, which is why I decided to propose. He of course is not perfect, but he acknowledges his mistakes and works with me to resolve our issues. He never ignores my concerns and will talk it out and find solutions to any little thing that bothers me. He has really treated me like a queen.
My Mom has been snapping at him all the time, sometimes at me too and I really know what to do.
Last time we disagreed, this is what happened: I have ADHD and BPD (both mild and manageable). I forgot a chore and my mom got mad about it. Being upset that I had forgotten again, I went to my room. After a while my mom knocked and apologised for berating me. I offered to make a list of my chores so I wouldn't forget again but she refused, because she doesn't believe in my mental difficulties and considers that I should just make an effort. I got frustrated and asked her to leave and give me space, since we weren't understanding each other. She started yelling and I had a crisis. I yelled back and left the house for some air. My Mom has been crying about how she doesn't understand how things could get this bad and how I need to learn the be "normal again".
I called my fiancé to explain I didn't want to talk to her because I knew she wouldn't let me talk, make me the villain and when I offer a solution, claims that it was her idea from the start. He offered to come over and help since I can get quite overwhelmed in these situations. I did great at staying calm and explaining stuff, and he was great at defending me when my mom was being stubborn or unfair. We didn't manage to talk it out, it went exactly as I had predicted and I was very sad.
Last time we disagreed, this is what happened: I have ADHD and BPD (both mild and manageable). I forgot a chore and my mom got mad about it. Being upset that I had forgotten again, I went to my room. After a while, my mom knocked and apologized for berating me. I offered to make a list of my chores so I wouldn't forget again but she refused because she doesn't believe in my mental difficulties and considers that I should just make an effort. I got frustrated and asked her to leave and give me space since we weren't understanding each other. She started yelling and I had a crisis. I yelled back and left the house for some air. My Mom has been crying about how she doesn't understand how things could get this bad and how I need to learn the be "normal again". After our talk, she took me aside to tell me it was unacceptable that my fiancé would defend me. I told her it was completely normal, since he is my fiancé, and she snapped and just told me "NO".*
Since then, she has left the house to be with her long-time boyfriend and we haven't talked much. She acts as if nothing happened and I am beyond pissed. I have ignored a lot of things but I am reaching a breaking point.
Moving out is not an option right now, only next year, and my fiancé only comes by when she's not home.
Any advice on how to talk to her? I'm just feeling angry and I feel like she won't listen. I just want to defend my fiancé, he deserves none of it, and my own patience is running low.

Definite TW for discussion of anorexia and fatphobia.
Context: My mom has always been an anxious woman with opinions about food, weight, and appearance typical of many women her age (70). These opinions have slowly escalated from "Almond Mom" to full-blown eating disorder since roughly the beginning of the pandemic (I'm sure there's an undercurrent there of lack of control and concerns about health... Idk). She has made one off comments that are relatively easy to redirect from ("That's not a priority for me when I choose a meal," "I don't really like to talk about other people's bodies," etc.) but it's now become clear that food and trading calories for excercise are pretty much her sole focus and I have to say something.
We recently got back from a trip with her, our 3 year old, and several of our adult friends - a group of all women + the kid. Her food anxiety was like an incessent stream of consciousness monologue in the background of every single event. Never enough "healthy" options at any eatery, the smell of popcorn or fried food at the boardwalk is "disgusting," our kid's plate is "too white" (too many starchy items). We all collectively agreed to not engage and redirect, but it was simply too much. I learned after the fact that one of our friends was so triggered after one meal that she had to remove herself for quite a while to calm down. I felt like I was in fight or flight the entire time. Finally and most importantly, these are attitudes I will not allow to be passed on to my kid. He's been out of earshot for everything so far (she tends to assume that other adult women share her attitudes, so we're the ones she'll direct her comments to), but I know that it's only a matter of time before it starts to come through and he notices.
I also have my doubts about her physical health. She's rail thin, though not seemingly anemic or too weak (she was able to keep up with several healthy 30-40 somethings and a toddler over a long weekend). But she basically only eats vegetables - no fat, and basically no protein or carbs. Even if her body is doing okay, I swear her brain is atrophying from lack of nutrients.
So. Gotta say something. Not sure how. Do I write an email? Tell her she needs therapy for her eating disorder before she's allowed around our kid? Say she can do what she wants but we won't allow any of that kind of talk around him / us anymore? We live in different cities so I feel like email might be the best choice in lieu of an in person convo... She also tends to remember how a conversation makes her feel rather than what was actually said. If you've dealt with similar I would really appreciate your input.

TW sh and si
My partner is in therapy and scheduled for a psychiatric consult. He does not have nearly enough professional help.
I don’t even know if this post is appropriate for this sub. I’m not looking for medical advice. I’m looking to get it out.
Hello. I am a woman, 21. I do not have BPD (though my ocd and mdd sometimes have overlapping symptoms.) I have a long history of sh and eating disorders. I’ve been hospitalized before and have been medicated and monitored since 15.
I met my partner freshman year of college when I was at my lowest. He cared for me, showed me love and intimacy, and taught me how to trust. It happened slowly— first with dependency, then insecurity, and eventually with the healthiest, purest love I’ve ever encountered. We were best friends for a year and a half. We took the plunge into dating in November (but really not much changed). We plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Neither of us have ever been so sure of anything.
When I met him, and later became close with him, I attatched myself to his outward stability. He didn’t open up emotionally for months, and even then he was healthy. I learned that in early high school he’s been depressed and, as a child, abnormally anxious, but it seemed he was okay. Stable, loving, humble, clear-headed, and capable. From March to august of last year, everything turned upside down.
First it was increased moodiness and classic depressive moods and thoughts. He was bored and muted all the time, but was sure he’d snap out of it. It was worrying but didn’t affect his personality. Then came the anxiety— it was relentless. Early summer (we were across the country from each other) he said a few mean things that struck a nerve and I basically had a breakdown. I realized the insecurity and codependency I’d built with him during the worst of my mental health was tearing me apart. I wrote down and recorded how I felt, and I’ve never regretted anything more. Instead of saying how he made me feel, I made it out like I thought his character flaws were downright damning. Of course that wasn’t my intention. Then I asked for two weeks of radio silence to gather myself. I didn’t think about how it would affect him. I really only thought about my own mental illness.
Honestly I think I’d convinced myself he didn’t really care about me. But he needed me as much as I needed him. When the break was over I felt like all the dust bunnies were swept away and I could be my best self for him. I genuinely think those two weeks saved my self confidence and independence, and thus our relationship, and myself. But they wrecked him.
I found out later he’d lock himself in a room every day listening to what I’d said and panicking. It turned into almost a ptsd trigger. If it felt in any way like I was judging or disagreeing with him he’d just go somewhere else. Screaming, crying, scratching, hitting, vomiting panic attacks. Sometimes I’d try to help over the phone. Sometimes I emotionally collapsed to the point I became completely numb and cold. Eventually I began to just shut down and fall asleep/ pass out.
Finally we were reunited in fall. Everything got worse. Suddenly I wasn’t the only trigger, it was every single minor trial or inconvenience. Any stressor or deadline. Any mistake. Often nothing. If I struck a nerve, no matter how minor, instant meltdown. I cannot voice an opinion that contradicts his. I cannot even elaborate on his point sometimes. I cannot call him out for bad behavior, even with in-the-moment surprise. I don’t think my presence was the issue— this began several weeks before I returned to school.
Multiple times a day he cries and screams and goes on suicidal self loathing monologues. He tells me to leave him. He manipulates my words into justifying why he should die and why he is a despicable, unfixable person. He says horrible things to himself that are violent and scary. He tells me the way he abuses me is unforgivable, but I’m his only tether and I’m the only thing that calms him down. It’s horrible. Much of the hitting/ scratching has improved. But I’ve had to watch him hit himself so violently he’s given himself headaches that last for days, all before I can rush to stop him.
I’m exhausted. If I comfort him, it’s not in the right way. If I shut down, it’s both evidence that he is evil and also something to criticize me for. I never know when I can be myself around him or if my analytical and pushy way of communicating ideas I’m passionate about will set him off— sometimes complex intellectual discussions blow my mind with how compatible and interesting we are together. Often they end in tears.
I cannot stress enough that this is not him. This is illness. He is imperfect, but the most compassionate, world conscience, practical, clever, funny, creative person I know. He’s human and smart and sometimes a little goofy and gross and rather oblivious. He can be kinda entitled, but never immoral. He has strong values and puts work into executing them. We are endlessly compatible.
But he is angry in traffic, angry at everything that wrongs him, frustrated and exhausted by things that should be easy tasks, and everything in between. He has so many insecurities and triggers and things he hates himself for I can’t keep track.
He pretends to be happy to everyone else. I take all of it. My words are the ones that set it off. It all feels like my fault, like I’m the problem.
I will keep doing this forever if I have to. Spending time with someone so brilliant is worth it. I’m in a stable place with my own mental illness.
But fuck man. This is hard. I just want him to be happy. I love him so deeply, but I like him just as much. He’s so good. And we are so right. But this is not sustainable for him. I’m terrified.

TW sh and si
My partner is in therapy and scheduled for a psychiatric consult. He does not have nearly enough professional help.
I don’t even know if this post is appropriate for this sub. I’m not looking for medical advice. I’m looking to get it out.
Hello. I am a woman, 21. I do not have BPD (though my ocd and mdd sometimes have overlapping symptoms.) I have a long history of sh and eating disorders. I’ve been hospitalized before and have been medicated and monitored since 15.
I met my partner freshman year of college when I was at my lowest. He cared for me, showed me love and intimacy, and taught me how to trust. It happened slowly— first with dependency, then insecurity, and eventually with the healthiest, purest love I’ve ever encountered. We were best friends for a year and a half. We took the plunge into dating in November (but really not much changed). We plan to spend the rest of our lives together. Neither of us have ever been so sure of anything.
When I met him, and later became close with him, I attatched myself to his outward stability. He didn’t open up emotionally for months, and even then he was healthy. I learned that in early high school he’s been depressed and, as a child, abnormally anxious, but it seemed he was okay. Stable, loving, humble, clear-headed, and capable. From March to august of last year, everything turned upside down.
First it was increased moodiness and classic depressive moods and thoughts. He was bored and muted all the time, but was sure he’d snap out of it. It was worrying but didn’t affect his personality. Then came the anxiety— it was relentless. Early summer (we were across the country from each other) he said a few mean things that struck a nerve and I basically had a breakdown. I realized the insecurity and codependency I’d built with him during the worst of my mental health was tearing me apart. I wrote down and recorded how I felt, and I’ve never regretted anything more. Instead of saying how he made me feel, I made it out like I thought his character flaws were downright damning. Of course that wasn’t my intention. Then I asked for two weeks of radio silence to gather myself. I didn’t think about how it would affect him. I really only thought about my own mental illness.
Honestly I think I’d convinced myself he didn’t really care about me. But he needed me as much as I needed him. When the break was over I felt like all the dust bunnies were swept away and I could be my best self for him. I genuinely think those two weeks saved my self confidence and independence, and thus our relationship, and myself. But they wrecked him.
I found out later he’d lock himself in a room every day listening to what I’d said and panicking. It turned into almost a ptsd trigger. If it felt in any way like I was judging or disagreeing with him he’d just go somewhere else. Screaming, crying, scratching, hitting, vomiting panic attacks. Sometimes I’d try to help over the phone. Sometimes I emotionally collapsed to the point I became completely numb and cold. Eventually I began to just shut down and fall asleep/ pass out.
Finally we were reunited in fall. Everything got worse. Suddenly I wasn’t the only trigger, it was every single minor trial or inconvenience. Any stressor or deadline. Any mistake. Often nothing. If I struck a nerve, no matter how minor, instant meltdown. I cannot voice an opinion that contradicts his. I cannot even elaborate on his point sometimes. I cannot call him out for bad behavior, even with in-the-moment surprise. I don’t think my presence was the issue— this began several weeks before I returned to school.
Multiple times a day he cries and screams and goes on suicidal self loathing monologues. He tells me to leave him. He manipulates my words into justifying why he should die and why he is a despicable, unfixable person. He says horrible things to himself that are violent and scary. He tells me the way he abuses me is unforgivable, but I’m his only tether and I’m the only thing that calms him down. It’s horrible. Much of the hitting/ scratching has improved. But I’ve had to watch him hit himself so violently he’s given himself headaches that last for days, all before I can rush to stop him.
I’m exhausted. If I comfort him, it’s not in the right way. If I shut down, it’s both evidence that he is evil and also something to criticize me for. I never know when I can be myself around him or if my analytical and pushy way of communicating ideas I’m passionate about will set him off— sometimes complex intellectual discussions blow my mind with how compatible and interesting we are together. Often they end in tears.
I cannot stress enough that this is not him. This is illness. He is imperfect, but the most compassionate, world conscience, practical, clever, funny, creative person I know. He’s human and smart and sometimes a little goofy and gross and rather oblivious. He can be kinda entitled, but never immoral. He has strong values and puts work into executing them. We are endlessly compatible.
But he is angry in traffic, angry at everything that wrongs him, frustrated and exhausted by things that should be easy tasks, and everything in between. He has so many insecurities and triggers and things he hates himself for I can’t keep track.
He pretends to be happy to everyone else. I take all of it. My words are the ones that set it off. It all feels like my fault, like I’m the problem.
I will keep doing this forever if I have to. Spending time with someone so brilliant is worth it. I’m in a stable place with my own mental illness.
But fuck man. This is hard. I just want him to be happy. I love him so deeply, but I like him just as much. He’s so good. And we are so right. But this is not sustainable for him. I’m terrified.