I had an appointment at my GP at the end of April for a health assessment. Whilst I was there, I wanted to talk to my GP about coming off Sertraline. He agreed now would be a good time and he told me to reduce my dose and then go to alternate days for like 2 weeks. I had been on Sertraline for around 18 months.
After dealing with the horrible withdrawal symptoms for weeks, where I had dizziness, the brain zaps, nausea etc. The withdrawal symptoms have pretty much stopped now, but I feel like my depression has come back, with interest. I feel worse now than I did before I started the meds 18 months ago. It feels like there’s a constant hurricane going round in my head and I can’t stop it. I feel like I’m spiralling. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts have all come back.
Has anyone had something similar happen when coming off Sertraline? Is it simply a case of stick it out as I did read it could be another side effect or was I wrong to stop taking them as I really really want to go back on them now.

ABT Sounds (Serum, Samples & Ableton Tempates):

ABT Sounds - Rhythmic Roots - Full Bundle
ABT Sounds - Savannah Groove Bundle

Studio Tronnic (Serum, Samples & Ableton Tempates):

Afro House Songstarters (Ableton)
Akimoto Melodic House & Techno
Aquarium Template Project
Artist Series Rivas (RB) Vol.1 Bralizian Bass House Music
Bass House Freedom
Beyond Progressive & Techno Vol.2
Brazilian Bass and Pop
Brazilian Trend Drops
DESANDE
HAWK Slap House Producer Pack
Keine Deep Afro
Kings of Afro House By Truppel
Producer Essentials Multi-Genre
Progressive Inspirations
Progressive Tech House by Fancy Inc
Repopulate Tech House
Rivas Artists Inspiration
Secret Brazilian Bass Presets & Racks
Stranger Things Theme Remake
Take my Time Template
Tech House Legends
Tech House Solution Vol.01
Tech House Vocal Chops
Top 100 Arpeggiated Melodic Techno
...........................................................................

The Producer School (Serum, Samples & Ableton Tempates)

Cosmic
Astral
Aura Melodic House Sample Pack
Desert
Devotion
Dimension
Drum Toolkit
Eclipse
Elevate
EVO x TPS Destination STMPD
Fusion
Future Rave Bundle
Futuristic Vol. 2
Gravity
Hazard (Ft. San Pacho)
Horizon
Inferno
Inferno II
Malarkey Signature
Millenium
Oasis (Afro House)
Omnia
Orbit
Redemption
San Pacho - Hazard Bass & Tech House
Selection
Spectrum
Ultimate Collection
Vision
...........................................................................

Lotus Tunes (Serum, Samples & Ableton Tempates)

Azhar - Mid-East Organic Production Suite
Organic House Production Suite
Deep Afro House Production Suite
Sinai Oriental Organic Production Suite
Tulum Deep Tribal Organic Production Suite
Yerevan Deep Minimal Organic Production Suite
...........................................................................

Production Music Live (Serum, Samples & Ableton Tempates)

PML - Acoustic Melodic House Themes
PML - Acoustic Melodic House Themes Vol. 3
PML - Acoustic Melodic House Themes Vol. 4
PML - Analog Techno Synth Shots
PML - Artist Kicks by Bound to Divide
PML - Artist Kicks Vol. 2
PML - Ben Boehmer - Melodic Deep Sound Pack V1.3
PML - Bound to Divide - Lauren L'aimant Vocal Hooks
PML - Clouds - Melodic Deep Ableton Template
PML - Comino Samples and Presets
PML - Dark Techno Sample Pack
PML - Dark Textures & Soundscapes
PML - Deep Premium Vol 1 - Drums
PML - Deep Premium Vol 2 - Drums
PML - Deep Premium Vol 3 - Drums
PML - Deep Premium Vol 4 - Drums
PML - Deep Premium Vol 5 - Drums
PML - Deep Premium Vol 6 - Drums
PML - Deep Premium Vol 7 - Drums & Tonal
PML - Deep Premium Vol 8 - Drums & Tonal
PML - Deep Tech House Song Starters (SV)
PML - Deep Vibes - Progressive House Pack V1.2
PML - EDM Toolkit
PML - Future Bass Sample Pack
PML - Future Bass Toolkit
PML - Innerbloom Melodic House
PML - Jimi Jules Sample Pack
PML - Masquerade High Tech Minimal Sound Pack V1
PML - Melodic & Organic
PML - Melodic Deep - Sound Pack (by Francois) V1.2
PML - Melodic Techno - Loops & Song Starter - Jonas Saalbach
PML - Melodic Techno Academy Vol. 2
PML - Melodic Techno Academy Vol. 2 Bonus
PML - Melodic Techno Drum Sample Pack
PML - Melodic Techno Sound Pack Vol. 2 (Tim Engelhardt)
PML - Melodic Techno Start to Finish Academy
PML - MINI V3 - Melodic Techno Sound Pack
PML - Organic House Essentials
PML - Organica Vol. 2 Full Template Edition (PML257)
PML - Organica Vol. 3 - Full Production Suite
PML - Organica Vol. 4 - Full Production Suite Template Edition
PML - Overdrive Techno Sound Pack
PML - Peak Time Techno Vol.2 - Samples by Weska
PML - Percussive Afro House
PML - Psytrance Loops
PML - Psytrance Mantra Production Pack
PML - Radiation - Techno Production Pack by Johannes Menzel
PML - Raw Underground Techno Vocals
PML - Sample Pack - Festival Vibes - Limited Bonus Pack
PML - Sample Pack - Melodic & Organic by Fejka (Ableton)
PML - Shaker Loops
PML - Smck Pack
PML - Stil vor Talent x Artist Pack Vol. 1
PML - StilVorTalent x Polaroit
PML - Summer Vibes Sample Pack
PML - Techno Kickdrums Vol. 1
PML - Tim Engelhardt Production Pack - Melodic Techno
PML - Tops & Atmo Loops Pack V1
PML - Trap Production Pack
PML - Trap Sample Pack
PML - Ultimate Future Bass Sample Pack
PML - Vintage House Pack
PML - Vocalized
PML - Woodlands Vol. 1
PML - Woodlands Vol. 2 Organic House
...........................................................................

Top Music Arts (Ableton Tempates with Serum Presets)

TMA - #1 - Deep House Ableton Tempate
TMA - #1 Slap House Style Template Project
TMA - #2 - Deep House Ableton Template
TMA - #3 - Deep House (Ableton Template)
TMA - #4 - Deep House (Ableton Template)
TMA - A7S - Nirvana
TMA - Ableton Dance Template (Think About Me)
TMA - ACRAZE - Take Me Away
TMA - ACRAZE x Paige Cavell - The Otherside
TMA - Adriatique Mystery (TALE OF US & MATHAME REMIX) Ableton Remake (TECHNO TEMPLATE) MIDI + SERUM PRESETS
TMA - Alesso - Somebody To Use (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Alesso & Katy Perry - When I'm Gone
TMA - Alesso Zara Larsson - Words
TMA - Alok - Don't Say Goodbye Remake
TMA - Alok & Bebe Rexha – Deep In Your Love (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Amaarae - SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY Remix ft Kali Uchis (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Anyma - Explore Your Future
TMA - Anyma & Chris Avantgarde - Eternity (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Anyma & Grimes - Welcome To The Opera (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Argy & Goom Gum - Pantheon
TMA - Armin van Buuren · Punctual - On & On (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Armin van Buuren & Xoro feat. Yola Recoba - God Is In The Soundwaves (Ableton Remake)
TMA - ARTBAT Atlas Ableton Remake
TMA - ARTBAT Sailor & I Best of Me Ableton Remake
TMA - ARTBAT Upperground Ableton Remake (TECHNO TEMPLATE)
TMA - ARTBAT, David Guetta ft Idris Elba - It's Ours
TMA - ATB, Topic, A7S - Your Love (9PM) Project
TMA - AVAION, MAGNUS - Where Did You Go
TMA - AVAION, Why So Sad - Fallin' (Ableton Remake)
TMA - B-Case - Can't Buy Love (feat. Baby E) Project
TMA - Bad Bunny - Where She Goes
TMA - Becky Hill, David Guetta - Remember (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Becky Hill, Lewis Thompson - Side Effects
TMA - Biscits - Don't Stop (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Biscits - In My Head
TMA - Boris Brejcha feat. Laura Korinth Gravity Ableton Remake
TMA - Boris Brejcha Never Look Back Ableton Remake (Progressive House Template)
TMA - BYOR - Keep On Dancin
TMA - Calvin Harris, Ellie Goulding - Miracle (Mau P Remix)
TMA - Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - Desire (MEDUZA Remix) (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Cedric Gervais x Joel Corry – MOLLY
TMA - Chapter & Verse - Lights Go Out
TMA - Clean Bandit & Topic - Drive (feat. Wes Nelson)
TMA - Coldplay X BTS - My Universe
TMA - Colyn Khazad Dum Ableton Remake (TECHNO TEMPLATE)
TMA - Dark Heart - Over & Over (ft. Njomza) Project
TMA - David Guetta & Bebe Rexha - I'm Good
TMA - David Guetta & Kim Petras - When We Were Young (The Logical Song) (Ableton Remake)
TMA - David Guetta & MORTEN - Dreams (Ableton Remake)
TMA - David Guetta, Becky Hill - Crazy What Love Can Do
TMA - Deadmau5 - Strobe (with Frank Ocean) KREAM Remix
TMA - Diplo with Miguel - Don't Forget My Love (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Dom Dolla feat. Mansionair - Strangers
TMA - Dombresky - LIFT OFF_Gmaj
TMA - Duke Dumont - Ocean Drive (remake) Project
TMA - Elderbrook - Sleepwalking (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Elton John - Cold Heart (PNAU Remix)(Ableton Remake)
TMA - Europa - All Day And Night (KREAM Remix) Project
TMA - Falden - Tell Me (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Fancy Inc & Kryder - Healing
TMA - Felix Jaehn & Jonas Blue - Past Life (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Felix Jaehn ft Zoe Wees - Do It Better
TMA - Galantis, David Guetta & Little Mix - Heartbreak Anthem (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Gaullin - Moonlight (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Glockenbach, Joel Corry, Tenchi, ClockClock - YEAH (Ableton Remake)
TMA - GOODBOYS - Black & Blue
TMA - Grigoré - Hyperreal (Ableton Remake)
TMA - GUZ - Gonna Be Mine (feat. Sydney Jo Jackson) (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Hannah Laing feat. RoRo - Good Love
TMA - Hope - Deep House Ableton Template
TMA - Imany - Don't Be so Shy (Filatov & Karas Remix)
TMA - James Hype, Miggy Dela Rosa
TMA - JAUZ - Lights Go Out
TMA - Jax Jones - You Don't Know Me ft RAYE (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Jax Jones ft MNEK - Where Did You Go
TMA - Jax Jones, AuRa - i miss u (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Jax Jones, D.O.D, Ina Wroldsen - Won't Forget You (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Jaymes Young - Infinity
TMA - Jimi Jules - My City's On Fire (Anyma & Cassian Remix)
TMA - Joel Corry - Hey DJ_Amin
TMA - Joel Corry - I Wish (feat. Mabel)
TMA - Joel Corry - Liquor Store
TMA - Joel Corry - Lonely (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Joel Corry - Sorry (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Joel Corry & David Guetta - What Would You Do
TMA - Joel Corry x RAYE x David Guetta - BED Remake
TMA - John Summit ft Hayla - Where You Are
TMA - Jonas Blue - Hear Me Say (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Jonas Blue - Hear Me Say ft. LEON KREAM Remix
TMA - Jonas Blue, Why Don't We - Don’t Wake Me Up (Sevenn Remix)
TMA - Just Kiddin - Change My Mind (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Just Kiddin - Do You Know (Ableton Remake)
TMA - JYYE - Feelings
TMA - K.A.M.A. - Atari
TMA - Kaleena Zanders & Shift K3Y - Vibration
TMA - Keanu Silva, Toby Romeo, SACHA - Hopeless Heart (Ableton Remake)
TMA - KREAM - About You
TMA - Kream - Pressure
TMA - Zivert - Life (Ableton Remake)
TMA - KREAM - Take Control
TMA - Kream - What You've Done To Me (feat. Bemendé)
TMA - Kream Feat. Zohara - Water
TMA - KREAM, Dan Caplen - Roads
TMA - Kungs - Lipstick
TMA - Leony - Holding On (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Lost Frequencies & James Arthur - Questions
TMA - Lost Frequencies ft Calum Scott - Where Are You Now (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Lucas Estrada - Drowning In You
TMA - Mabel Feat Jax Jones & Galantis - Good Luck
TMA - Marshmello - Leave Before You Love Me Project
TMA - Martin Jensen - Can't Come To The Phone
TMA - Matador & MEDUZA & Artche - Just A Feeling
TMA - MEDUZA - Phone ft Sam Tompkins_Ebm
TMA - Meduza feat. Hozier - Tell It To My Heart (Ableton Remake)
TMA - MEDUZA x Eli & Fur - Pegasus
TMA - Meduza, Dermot Kennedy - Paradise
TMA - Michael Calfan - Bittersweet
TMA - Michael Schulte x R3HAB - Better Me (Ableton Remake)
TMA - MK & Sonny Fodera ft Raphaella - One Night
TMA - Mochakk - Jealous (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Monolink Return To Oz ARTBAT
TMA - Nathan Dawe x Joel Corry x Ella Henderson - 0800 Heaven_Gbmaj
TMA - Nathan Dawe, Ella Henderson - 21 Reasons
TMA - Nathan Dawe, Ksi - Lighter (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Nathan Dawe, Little Mix - No Time For Tears (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Navos - Believe Me (Ableton Remake)
TMA - NTO - Invisible
TMA - Ofenbach - Head shoulders knees & Toes
TMA - Ofenbach - Overdrive (ft Norma Jean Martine)
TMA - Ofenbach & R3HAB - I Ain’t Got No Worries
TMA - Oliver Cricket - Better Days (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Oliver Heldens & Anabel Englund - Deja Vu (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Ömer Bükülmezoğlu - ROE_Bbmin
TMA - Palastic - Side (Selected Style Template)
TMA - Pascal Junior - Wishes
TMA - PBH & Jack feat. Sash Sings - Lose CTRL (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Punctual, KREAM - Want You Bad
TMA - Purple Disco Machine - Dopamine (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Purple Disco Machine - Hypnotized Remake
TMA - RAYE - Call on me (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Raye - Call On Me (Kream Remix) (Ableton Remake)
TMA - RAYE, Rudimental - Regardless [Ableton Project]
TMA - Robin Schulz - All We Got ft KIDDO (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Robin Schulz - Sweet Goodbye (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Romance - House Ableton Template (Acraze, John Summit Style)
TMA - Sam Feldt X Rita Ora - Follow me (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Sangiovanni, Aitana - Mariposas (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Shift K3Y - Let U Have Me (Ableton Remake)
TMA - SIDEPIECE - Dont Keep Me Waiting
TMA - SIDEPIECE - Temptation
TMA - Sigala - Melody
TMA - Sigala - You for Me
TMA - Sigala, James Arthur - Lasting Lover (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Sigala, MNEK - Radio
TMA - Silk City, Dua Lipa - Electricity ft. Diplo, Mark Ronson (Ableton Live Remake) by TopMusicArts
TMA - Sofi Tukker John Summit - Sun Came Up (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Sonny Fodera, Kolidescopes, Sinead Harnett - Nah
TMA - Sonny Fodera, Raphaella - Need U
TMA - SZA - Shirt (KREAM Remix)
TMA - SZA -.Good Days (KREAM Remix)(Ableton Remake)
TMA - The Weeknd, Swedish House Mafia - Moth To A Flame (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Think About Me - Ableton Dance Template
TMA - Tiësto - 10_35 (feat. Tate McRae)
TMA - Tiesto - The Business (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Topic - In Your Arms (For An Angel)(Ableton-Remake)
TMA - Topic - Why do you lie to me Remake Project
TMA - twocolors - Lovefool (Ableton Remake)
TMA - Vintage Culture - Free
TMA - VIZE x Alan Walker – Space Melody
TMA - Zivert - Life (Ableton Remake)

I don’t want to get into all details but he has a history of being a very verbally abusive delusional drunk. He can be very scary. Up until this point I never thought he’d lay hands on me. My family even his mom have asked me if he has hit me before. Always thought it was so strange people could think he would do that to me just because of emotional abuse when he was drunk… he’d call me horrible names and trash rooms and squared up with me one time but never this. We got in a huge fight a few months ago and he quit drinking for months… two weeks ago he drank again and probably has 4 times in the last two weeks. We are on vacation just the two of us right now and he got extremely drunk and blacked out. I won’t get into all the details it would make this much too long but he was initially upset bc I couldn’t find a location for Uber to pick us up he couldn’t stop name calling I couldn’t figure out how to get across this busy street (we’re in a huge party city) because I started my period and needed tampons… I tried to throw his drink away and he threw the liquid at me. When we got back to hotel and he started calling me every name under the sun and making fun of my vagina (I have big labia which I’m insecure about) and then left to go to hotel bar. He came back and couldn’t find his vape and started dragging the blankets and me with them, (I’m a very small girl 5’1 and 120 lbs, he is 6’3 and twice my size) He was throwing things at me he just kept throwing things at me even ripping phone out of wall and throwing that at me. He started destroying the hotel room I paid for. He dragged me from the couch by my shirt and threw me on the bed. He ripped a patch of my hair out and it’s still hurts so bad this morning. He shoved me into the wall & onto the floor probably 10+ times. Into the shower into the bathtub into the bed frame. I’m covered in superficial scratches and I’m sore all over but no evidence except the hair I saved. I love him so much we’ve been talking about getting married for months now. I’m out of state far far far from home right now. Last night I called 911 twice but immediately hung up after a ring or two because I couldn’t do that to him. He kept threatening to punch me in the face making a fist at me telling me he would beat me up. He saw I recorded a video and I think that’s when he destroyed the room. I wasn’t drunk since we got back to hotel and I only had like 3 or 4 beers over span of 6 hours maybe? but the events are kind of blurry to me and I don’t know why. I love him I don’t want us to be over. Why would he do this to us. I told him how scared I was for this vacation bc I don’t know how he’ll react when drunk. My head hurts my body hurts my heart hurts. I almost slept in bathroom but locked door and laid in there for two hours until I knew he wouldn’t wake up after he passed out (shortly after I locked myself in bathroom the second time and he banged around quite a bit and gave up). Bathroom was so uncomfortable and I knew he was passed out so I went to bed after several hours of assessing my body and Google searching about being hit for the first time. I always told myself if he got physical I would leave. But why do I not want to… why do I want him to fix it. I know if he could stop drinking this would never happen again. He is a different person when drunk. I begged him to stop drinking so much. How did this happen to me. He isn’t this person.

This is a long one, so bear with me, might be more of a vent, but any relevant advice would be more than welcome
I don't even know where to start, so I'll start at the beginning. I'm sorry if this is a bit of a jumble, but I'm still trying to sort out my feelings. I've been seeing a therapist for a couple of weeks, but those things take time.
I was married for twelve years, we met shortly after I'd joined the navy and finished boot camp. There were several years that were difficult for us, I had gotten transferred to another state and she moved with me, I was in the shipyard for years and felt like I was at work all the time. I was stressed out and tired a lot, but I was proud of the things that I accomplished and what I worked towards. My wife was not as satisfied with her job in this new city as she previously had been and went through some time trying to find a good situation in that respect, during which she had my full support. It was difficult, there were months-long periods where I was at work for 12-14 hours per day every day of the week. There were times when she was irritated with me because I was contributing as much to our household as she wanted, which is valid but I also felt stuck and at the end of my rope, I was obligated to perform the rest of my enlistment period and had no way around it and she didn't seem to understand or empathize with my position (in retrospect this should have been an indication I think, but I'm also not trying to put all the blame on her).
I got transferred after about five years with my ship, most of it was spent in the shipyard or doing short underway periods off the east coast for sea trials and other testing, which added a lot of stress and uncertainty to my schedule. After I left my old ship and crew went on mission for the first time and did things that I am not proud of contributing to and I have recently realized that I harbor a lot of guilt about. I worked a more normal schedule and tried to pick up more slack in keeping our household together, which was difficult because she wanted everything her way and it caused a lot of conflict between us. I should also mention that by this point we had two children together, one towards the end of my sea time and one shortly after my transfer, I somehow managed to be at the births of both of my children. Things between us slowly deteriorated over this time, though I didn't realize it at the time.
I got out of the navy in 2020 and was excited to have control of our lives again, we moved back to the city where we met, she resumed the job she was doing then and seemed happier about it. I had a difficult time finding a job that was in my field both due to location and the pandemic so I took a job at a nearby hospital doing maintenance on large equipment. This was an especially miserable time for me, I didn't see eye to eye politically speaking with most of my coworkers and they would not stop talking about it, most of the medical staff that we worked with saw my department as a bunch of stupid knuckle-draggers (which for most of my department was maybe a fair assessment), but for how accomplished I felt during my time in the navy, the complete disregard and disrespect because of my position was hard to take. I became withdrawn and probably a little bit irritable because of my work situation and because I could feel my wife becoming distant. I felt like I couldn't talk with her about what I was going through, I wasn't allowed to have difficult days, I was allowed to come to her for comfort and she had lost interest in me as a person and I was just "the other parent."
I tried to reconnect with her, to spend time together, I tried to engage with her about things that she was interested in and she treated me like an annoyance. I tried to talk with her about what was going wrong between us and she would roll her eyes and act like she couldn't be bothered. She didn't care how I felt and any time I brought up the things that I didn't like about how she treated my she'd accuse me of just trying to start an argument. When we did argue which became more and more frequent she would not compromise or try to see things from my perspective, either it would get to a point where she cut it off by saying that she was done with the discussion and was done "going 'round and 'round" about things (a phrase which I now despise) or I would give in on my position and apologize which made me feel like she didn't care about our relationship. If I brought things up the next day she would accuse me of trying to start/continue an argument when all I wanted to do was have fewer arguments in the future which left many things unsaid and unresolved.
There are a couple other things that didn't really fit in so far, so I will cover them here. I was physically abused by my father as a child. It wasn't frequent, maybe once or twice a month, he just had poor self control and would let his hands fly when he got angry or frustrated. For a long time I refused to say that I'd been abused because I know that there were other children who had an far worse time growing up and as I said it wasn't that often. He did however yell at us a lot, I came to dread hearing his voice across the house and I now realize that I was constantly on edge about it growing up. I should mention that my mother never did anything to put a stop to it (I think she just didn't want to end up breaking up our family) even when my brother had to go to the emergency room to get stitches in his scalp because my father hit him over the head with a cordless phone one morning because he and I were bickering (you know, that thing that children sometimes do). Throughout there was almost never an admission of wrongdoing or an apology. My therapist diagnosed me with severe general anxiety disorder which looking back on my childhood I think makes a lot of sense. I feel like it's something I've lived with for a long time and haven't been able to put words to. I think I believed that everyone felt this way and just dealt with it better than I did.
I am ashamed to admit that I for a while did raise my voice far more than I should have with my children like my father used to. It's something that I've been trying to work on not doing but it's taken a while. I however refuse to strike my children, I think I've spanked them both maybe two times and I realized after that it was more about my frustration than it was about teaching them to behave better and I have not done that since, though I still feel terrible about it. The yelling however I have stopped, I think that there's been one time in the last couple months when I raised my voice to them in anger and I immediately caught myself and apologized to them. My children at least can see that I'm trying and they've told me so.
Back to my marriage, I never felt like I could talk with her about the things that bothered me. She can be very high strung and I think being with her exacerbated my anxiety. I had tried to explain to her about my childhood and the only thing she said was to go to therapy, which yes, is something I need but I had trouble finding a provider for a while. When I was in the navy I was in a rate for which psychological issues would be disqualifying so I didn't seek care back then. My wife didn't feel like a safe person to talk to, I could tell that she didn't give a shit about how I felt, so how could I talk to her about the guilt that I felt, about the unexpected sense of loss when I left the navy from not having my friends around and losing that part of my identity. I wasn't expecting her to act as my therapist and fix everything within me, but occasionally shown that she cared, being held and supported would have meant the world to me. We'd moved to a new place where I didn't know many people and I didn't have anyone to talk to and these problems sat in my chest and festered. I even asked her point-blank about the fact that it felt like she was putting no effort into our marriage and she agreed only saying that I needed to "do better" before she would reengage with me but left the actual specifics vague.
I got a new job working from home in a field that I felt better suited for, but things still didn't improve between us despite my efforts. Fast forward to now, we're in the process of divorcing, she initiated it. Over the last couple of years I had considered it, but I always felt like I'd rather fix what was between us and not break up our children's family. I never stopped trying to make things work, but the constant cycle of trying to reengage with her and getting rejected, of trying to pack away the parts of me that annoyed her and of trying to fix this between us from one end just made me more and more depressed. I've probably cried more in the last month than in most of the rest of my life. I keep expecting the well do run dry and I keep finding more water.
We're breaking the news to our children tomorrow and I'm dreading it with every fiber of my being. I don't want to go back to what we had, I never accepted how terrible I constantly felt and how unhappy I was or how many signs there were that our relationship was on its last legs and the fact that she was doing nothing to help fix it. At the same time I think the look on their faces will break my heart all over again. I never wanted to be a absent parent or a father who's there but not present, I really have tried to be an equal parent and I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do this.
I feel a little stuck right now, we moved back here because this is where she wanted to live, I took the job that I did at the time because she's an independent contractor and we needed health insurance and doesn't have it provided through employment, even though I wanted to go to college and work on a masters program. She picked out our house because it was what she wanted and I wanted to make her happy. I'm trying not to feel bitter about all this, but I feel so stuck. My children won't be adults for another ten years and I'm not moving away from them and becoming an absent parent.
I'm sorry this has been such a long and rambling story, thank you to anyone who has stuck it out with me, I appreciate you, I don't think I've been properly heard or seen in a long time. If anyone wants to weigh on the following topics, I'm all ears:

• I don't know that I'm going to feel like dating again for a long time. I feel like I'm going to have trust issues going forward and I don't want someone new to have to unload all of my baggage. Also, dating now seems terrible, I made profiles for a couple of dating sites out of curiosity and it just looks like a meat grinder (no pun intended). I'm hoping that there's something better out there, because the whole process just looks miserable.
• I have considered occasionally hiring a professional cuddler because physical touch has been so absent from my life for so long, but I feel really awkward about it.
• I'm 37 years old and have never properly lived by myself and I feel like if I'm in an empty house half the time I'm just going to drive myself up the walls. Best thing I can figure is that I'll buy a house with improvements that I want to make and occupying my time alone with that.

I don't even know where to start, so I'll start at the beginning. I'm sorry if this is a bit of a jumble, but I'm still trying to sort out my feelings. I've been seeing a therapist for a couple of weeks, but those things take time.
I was married for twelve years, we met shortly after I'd joined the navy and finished boot camp. There were several years that were difficult for us, I had gotten transferred to another state and she moved with me, I was in the shipyard for years and felt like I was at work all the time. I was stressed out and tired a lot, but I was proud of the things that I accomplished and what I worked towards. My wife was not as satisfied with her job in this new city as she previously had been and went through some time trying to find a good situation in that respect, during which she had my full support. It was difficult, there were months-long periods where I was at work for 12-14 hours per day every day of the week. There were times when she was irritated with me because I was contributing as much to our household as she wanted, which is valid but I also felt stuck and at the end of my rope, I was obligated to perform the rest of my enlistment period and had no way around it and she didn't seem to understand or empathize with my position (in retrospect this should have been an indication I think, but I'm also not trying to put all the blame on her).
I got transferred after about five years with my ship, most of it was spent in the shipyard or doing short underway periods off the east coast for sea trials and other testing, which added a lot of stress and uncertainty to my schedule. After I left my old ship and crew went on mission for the first time and did things that I am not proud of contributing to and I have recently realized that I harbor a lot of guilt about. I worked a more normal schedule and tried to pick up more slack in keeping our household together, which was difficult because she wanted everything her way and it caused a lot of conflict between us. I should also mention that by this point we had two children together, one towards the end of my sea time and one shortly after my transfer, I somehow managed to be at the births of both of my children. Things between us slowly deteriorated over this time, though I didn't realize it at the time.
I got out of the navy in 2020 and was excited to have control of our lives again, we moved back to the city where we met, she resumed the job she was doing then and seemed happier about it. I had a difficult time finding a job that was in my field both due to location and the pandemic so I took a job at a nearby hospital doing maintenance on large equipment. This was an especially miserable time for me, I didn't see eye to eye politically speaking with most of my coworkers and they would not stop talking about it, most of the medical staff that we worked with saw my department as a bunch of stupid knuckle-draggers (which for most of my department was maybe a fair assessment), but for how accomplished I felt during my time in the navy, the complete disregard and disrespect because of my position was hard to take. I became withdrawn and probably a little bit irritable because of my work situation and because I could feel my wife becoming distant. I felt like I couldn't talk with her about what I was going through, I wasn't allowed to have difficult days, I was allowed to come to her for comfort and she had lost interest in me as a person and I was just "the other parent."
I tried to reconnect with her, to spend time together, I tried to engage with her about things that she was interested in and she treated me like an annoyance. I tried to talk with her about what was going wrong between us and she would roll her eyes and act like she couldn't be bothered. She didn't care how I felt and any time I brought up the things that I didn't like about how she treated my she'd accuse me of just trying to start an argument. When we did argue which became more and more frequent she would not compromise or try to see things from my perspective, either it would get to a point where she cut it off by saying that she was done with the discussion and was done "going 'round and 'round" about things (a phrase which I now despise) or I would give in on my position and apologize which made me feel like she didn't care about our relationship. If I brought things up the next day she would accuse me of trying to start/continue an argument when all I wanted to do was have fewer arguments in the future which left many things unsaid and unresolved.
There are a couple other things that didn't really fit in so far, so I will cover them here. I was physically abused by my father as a child. It wasn't frequent, maybe once or twice a month, he just had poor self control and would let his hands fly when he got angry or frustrated. For a long time I refused to say that I'd been abused because I know that there were other children who had an far worse time growing up and as I said it wasn't that often. He did however yell at us a lot, I came to dread hearing his voice across the house and I now realize that I was constantly on edge about it growing up. I should mention that my mother never did anything to put a stop to it (I think she just didn't want to end up breaking up our family) even when my brother had to go to the emergency room to get stitches in his scalp because my father hit him over the head with a cordless phone one morning because he and I were bickering (you know, that thing that children sometimes do). Throughout there was almost never an admission of wrongdoing or an apology. My therapist diagnosed me with severe general anxiety disorder which looking back on my childhood I think makes a lot of sense. I feel like it's something I've lived with for a long time and haven't been able to put words to. I think I believed that everyone felt this way and just dealt with it better than I did.
I am ashamed to admit that I for a while did raise my voice far more than I should have with my children like my father used to. It's something that I've been trying to work on not doing but it's taken a while. I however refuse to strike my children, I think I've spanked them both maybe two times and I realized after that it was more about my frustration than it was about teaching them to behave better and I have not done that since, though I still feel terrible about it. The yelling however I have stopped, I think that there's been one time in the last couple months when I raised my voice to them in anger and I immediately caught myself and apologized to them. My children at least can see that I'm trying and they've told me so.
Back to my marriage, I never felt like I could talk with her about the things that bothered me. She can be very high strung and I think being with her exacerbated my anxiety. I had tried to explain to her about my childhood and the only thing she said was to go to therapy, which yes, is something I need but I had trouble finding a provider for a while. When I was in the navy I was in a rate for which psychological issues would be disqualifying so I didn't seek care back then. My wife didn't feel like a safe person to talk to, I could tell that she didn't give a shit about how I felt, so how could I talk to her about the guilt that I felt, about the unexpected sense of loss when I left the navy from not having my friends around and losing that part of my identity. I wasn't expecting her to act as my therapist and fix everything within me, but occasionally shown that she cared, being held and supported would have meant the world to me. We'd moved to a new place where I didn't know many people and I didn't have anyone to talk to and these problems sat in my chest and festered. I even asked her point-blank about the fact that it felt like she was putting no effort into our marriage and she agreed only saying that I needed to "do better" before she would reengage with me but left the actual specifics vague.
I got a new job working from home in a field that I felt better suited for, but things still didn't improve between us despite my efforts. Fast forward to now, we're in the process of divorcing, she initiated it. Over the last couple of years I had considered it, but I always felt like I'd rather fix what was between us and not break up our children's family. I never stopped trying to make things work, but the constant cycle of trying to reengage with her and getting rejected, of trying to pack away the parts of me that annoyed her and of trying to fix this between us from one end just made me more and more depressed. I've probably cried more in the last month than in most of the rest of my life. I keep expecting the well do run dry and I keep finding more water.
We're breaking the news to our children tomorrow and I'm dreading it with every fiber of my being. I don't want to go back to what we had, I never accepted how terrible I constantly felt and how unhappy I was or how many signs there were that our relationship was on its last legs and the fact that she was doing nothing to help fix it. At the same time I think the look on their faces will break my heart all over again. I never wanted to be a absent parent or a father who's there but not present, I really have tried to be an equal parent and I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do this.
I feel a little stuck right now, we moved back here because this is where she wanted to live, I took the job that I did at the time because she's an independent contractor and we needed health insurance and doesn't have it provided through employment, even though I wanted to go to college and work on a masters program. She picked out our house because it was what she wanted and I wanted to make her happy. I'm trying not to feel bitter about all this, but I feel so stuck. My children won't be adults for another ten years and I'm not moving away from them and becoming an absent parent.
I'm sorry this has been such a long and rambling story, thank you to anyone who has stuck it out with me, I appreciate you, I don't think I've been properly heard or seen in a long time. If anyone wants to weigh on the following topics, I'm all ears:

• I don't know that I'm going to feel like dating again for a long time. I feel like I'm going to have trust issues going forward and I don't want someone new to have to unload all of my baggage. Also, dating now seems terrible, I made profiles for a couple of dating sites out of curiosity and it just looks like a meat grinder (no pun intended). I'm hoping that there's something better out there, because the whole process just looks miserable.
• I have considered occasionally hiring a professional cuddler because physical touch has been so absent from my life for so long, but I feel really awkward about it.
• I'm 37 years old and have never properly lived by myself and I feel like if I'm in an empty house half the time I'm just going to drive myself up the walls. Best thing I can figure is that I'll buy a house with improvements that I want to make and occupying my time alone with that.

Rolling onto Marcus’ bare chest, the sight of our clothes scattered everywhere had my cheeks burning a bright scarlet. Swinging my feet over the edge of the bed, the door swinging open had me tugging on one of my oversized t-shirts over my head. Tarot floated into the space, his boots touching the floor. A pocket watch shaped envelope fluttered in his palm, my shaking fingers curling around it. The time council had a task set for me and there was no way out of it. Ripping it open, the image of a time worm had me chewing on my lips. The odd thought of Tarot delivering this to me had alarm bells going off, his pensive expression far from his usual one. Fishing around his pocket, his quaking hand pressed a photo of a demon witch with wild neon waves and matching neon green eyes. Noting her tall but flawless hourglass figure, a matching smile had me putting two and two together. Packing a bag with supplies, the image of her neon green flaming motorcycle flashing in my head. A pale hand reached for me, her inky lips mouthing the word help.
“One can assume that is your daughter.” I pointed out simply, his eyes averting to the floor. “Consider your daughter found, Tarot. If my friend needs me, then my assistance will come swiftly.” Fighting tears in his eyes, my brow cocked in disbelief. An abrupt embrace had my eyes rounding with surprise, my fingers peeling my pendant off my neck. As snarky as I was, the desire to save people is what kept me going. Stepping back while scratching the back of his neck, a flurry of tarot cards whisked him away. Rolling my eyes, his lack of information wasn’t unusual. Creating a line with my pendant as I tugged my socks and boots, the underbelly of time hummed to life. Crossing into the swirling colors, the simple ivory path met the heel of my boots. Shutting the opening behind me, Marcus could exchange harsh words with me later. Besides, the rules strictly banned his presence. Dropping my pendant over my neck, the scent of the worm had to be somewhere. Draping my bag over my shoulder, the time thread weighed a ton. Walking along the path, the plan went through my mind. First thing first, find the worm and kill it. Second, the culprit had to be hunted down and executed. Thirdly, his daughter needed to be brought back home. A quiet voice had me spinning on my heels with a twitching smirk, Saby bouncing up to me with a big smile on her face. Stifling my initial frustration, the hole she fell through had the shimmering worm I was looking for. Ordering her to stay, my dagger expanded from its charm form. Floating over my head, my dagger flipped over my fingers. Aiming for its heart, violet energy built around my palm. Flicking it in the direction of a vital organ, another blast of magic had the dagger sinking into the heart. Shriveling while screaming out in pain, a sea of holes greeted my irritated grimace. Drying into a sparkling powder, problem number one was solved. Catching my fallen dagger, the damage had to be repaired. Putting Saby on my back, a quick warning had her arms hugging my neck. Building energy around my boot, a big ball hummed to life. Pushing off the ground, her real smile never left her face the whole ride back to where she fell. Setting her on her bed, I had work to do. Summoning my slumber powder, a quick blow had violet dust glistening around her face. Collapsing back onto her pillow, cool air lashed at my cheeks the moment I jumped back into my original destination. Whistling sharply, a clear bubble caught my feet. Shifting through my bag, my fingers curled around the glowing needle and thread. Threading it with ease, these attacks were becoming more common. Moving the five foot needle with ease, a secure knot granted me permission to move on to the next one. Cutting off the end with my dagger, the bubble carried me to the next one. Working for several hours, the mistakes had been corrected and the holes were sealed shut with the finest of thread. Lowering me to the pathway, my empty footfalls echoed in the big space of time bubbles. Coming into the city, one person would be able to help me out. Marble homes lined the street, a scarlet Victorian home sang out boisterous swing music. This guy had given me issues before, a low growl rumbling in my throat. Marching up to the door, a swift kick had the door flying across the room. His guests scurried out, my dagger spinning in my palm. A golden haired man with golden hourglass eyes approached me, his arms folded across his shimmering emerald suit. His waves floated around his shoulders, my own fingers running through my snarled waves. Fixing my bangs, his hourglass irises flipped several times. What an asshole!
“You have looked better.” He teased cruelly, a haughty fit of laughter exploding from his lips. “I can feel your mental health decaying. Did you have to see your filthy past? I could erase it for y-” Pressing the sharp edge of my dagger into his neck, my patience was wearing thin. Hissing a few curse words, he had no right to bring up such a thing.
“I may not be able to kill you but I can hurt you real well.” I promised with a sarcastic smirk, punching him in the gut with a ball of built up energy. Doubling over, golden blood painted my boots. The Warden wasn’t my nickname for no reason, the council sending me to clean up their messes all the time. Kicking him in the stomach, the sickening crack of his spine snapping in half had him crumbling to the floor into a heap. Crouching down to his level, his rounded eyes met my tired expression.
“Where is the culprit and where is this woman?” I demanded hotly, pulling out the picture of the green haired woman. Noting his body quivering in fear, something was off about the situation. Shaking his head, his fingers clawed at the worn wooden floor. Mumbling something about the slave trade, the hilt of my dagger creaked in protest at my increasing grip. Dropping a healing potion by his hand, the bastard would be okay by tomorrow. Sprinting onto the pathway, the doorway to the lower realm of time creaked open. Sprinting down the ancient stone stairs, screams and groans had me cursing under my breath. Darting around the cages of trapped monsters, a cloaked figure a few inches shorter than me floated by. Sniffing the air, I began to chew my lip out of a nervous habit. Sensing Glanda’s energy, the pieces all came together. That wicked witch had sent a worm into the realm of time. The poor monsters crying out for help, my heart shattering into pieces. Too tired to fight her, her death was on the chopping block anyway. Sneaking through the shadows, a crumbled up version of the woman in the picture had my heart breaking. Most of her hair had been cut off, no life remaining in her eyes. Hitting the walls of keys, Marcus sure would create a fantastic distraction right about now. The colors drained from my cheeks, Glanda snapping her head in my direction. Sucking in a deep breath, her neon green eyes followed me throwing all the keys into her rusty cage. Getting down inches from her face, her numb gaze frightened me. Sliding my hand through the bar, my hand cupped her cheek. Please don't be so broken that I can't get you out of here.
“I need you to let yourself out and then help the other monsters out. I have a problem to deal with.” I begged with my genuine smile, her shaking hands grabbing mine. Glanda snapped her fingers, several masked demons gathering behind her. Dropping her hands, my dagger spun in my palms. Violet flames flickered to life around me, Glanda commanding them to kill me. My hair floated up, hers doing the same. When was she going to go head to head with me?
“Quit being a bitch and fight me yourself.” I challenged her with a wicked bout of laughter, my eager dagger ready to cut her into pieces. “Oh, I forgot. You aren’t heathen.” Charging at me, flames devoured my dagger. Dodging their attacks, a swift cut had three them screaming in crackling flames. Placing my feet out, two of them met the floor. A flick of my wrists sending the sharp edge of my dagger through their necks. Heads decayed to ash before they could hit my boot, horror rounding my eyes at the monster of a demon picking me up by my hair. Summoning my dagger, the hilt met my slick palm. Cutting my hair, my body smashed onto the marble floor. Too shocked to move, the beast of a demon tossed my hair to the side. A motor revving had me turning my head slowly, his daughter grinning sadistically. Neon flames covered the motorcycle, her shouting move had me rolling out of the way. The monsters ran back into their own dimensions, Glanda joining them. Popping to my feet, she wasn’t going to get away without a bruise. Switching the plant part of my powers, a thick vine shot from my palm, the thinner tip whipping her back towards me. A triumphant grin lingered on my defiant expression, a fit of cruel laughter bursting from my lips. Tossing her about, it was her turn to feel the other side of what she did. Pausing for a moment, our jaws dropped at the bike flying into his head. Tapping her neon green pendant three times, a flaming ball of fire shoved its way down the demon’s throat. A cloud of smoke obscured her landing, her arm scooping me up. Driving up the stairs, the wheels squealed in protest as a jet of flames cut off my connection to Glanda. Hugging her waist, she had to have a couple of inches on me. Smiling back at me, the freedom in her eyes was infectious. Light returned to her neon green eyes, the glow reminding me of fireflies on a cool summer night.
“Get us out of here!” She shouted over the rumbling of her engine, a confident smile illuminating her features. “Glanda will retaliate at any moment.” She wasn’t wrong, an army of demons were heading our way. Plucking my pendant off of my neck, curiosity twinkled in her eyes at me spinning it around clockwise. The pendant spun around faster, a blast of energy knocking us back into the day my mother was murdered. Panicking at the light dying down in my pendant, my powers had been drained. Dragging into the alleyway near my home, a snap of her fingers had the bike going invisible. My three year old self watched out the window in her bright overalls and striped t-shirt with her hands pressed against the window, the color draining from my cheeks for the millionth time today. A clammy sweat drenched my skin, every breath growing shorter. My piggish father dragged my mother out by her dark brown hair, her face facing in the opposite direction of us. My younger self banged on the window, my father slamming her fist into her head until her desperate pleas quieted down. Ruby pooled around her body, my father snapping his furious gaze in her direction. Ripping the door open, his daughter buried me in a hug. Listening to her screams had me trembling in her arms, her chin resting on my head. The wet sound of blood splattering the window had her emotions soaking the top of my head.
“No wonder you are so strong.” She whispered in a deflated tone, her finger lifting into the air. “How about I treat you to a wonderful meal several states away from her. Snapping her fingers, both of us had bell bottoms and white flowing shirts on. Lifting up my chin with her finger, a pair of scissors glistened in her hands. Spinning me around, the scissors moved a mile a minute. Pieces of my hair floated to my feet, her other hand holding my head straight. Seconds from snapping at her, she moved onto her own. Pouting in a rebellious manner, her snarky words had me liking her instantly.
“Don’t kill me but you cut your hair like a blind person. So I gave you an inverted bob with layers.” She teased sarcastically, a stifled laugh tumbling from my lips as she shaved the left side of the head. “Nice to see you laugh. So I heard you have a coven. May I join? Witchcraft has always interested me. I know the basics but I am a bit stuck.” Hesitation had me stepping back as I played with the hem of my shirt, her puppy dog eyes winning me over. Cutting my palm with my dagger, she slid the sharp edge of her scissors along her palm. Cupsing our hands together, an inky pocket watch tattoo poked out of the collar of her shirt. Fishing around my bag, tears welled up in my eyes at my mother’s silky handkerchief grazing the tips of my fingers. Standing on my toes, her kind smile never left her face at me tying the blue and orange handkerchief around her head.
“Take good care of it. That is the last thing I have of my mother.” I spoke with a mixture of sincerity and sternness, her head nodding once. “Keep being funny. Your sense of humor is refreshing. Now take me away.” Climbing onto her bike with her, my arms snaked around her waist. Revving the engine, adventure glowed in my eyes at the bike standing on one wheel. Several states passed by us, the hands on the neares clock moving a mere five minutes. Parking in front of a worn restaurant in Maine, the ocean waves crashed nearby. Turning a couple of knobs, the flames died down to reveal a normal black motorcycle. A vacancy sign blinked at a colorful motel across the way. Fishing round my bag, a wad of seventies dollar bills felt heavy in my palms. The witch who helped me grabbed my wrist the moment I hopped off, fright haunting her eyes. Cupping her hand, she had nothing to worry about.
“Get us a seat while I get a room. I can’t travel for a few hours at the least.” I comforted her, her mind fighting between being tough or vulnerable, a silver necklace catching my eyes. Reading the name Lightz, it didn’t take much for me to put it all together. Lightz was her name and a beautiful one at that. Spinning her towards me, my hands cupped her face. Abrupt tears told me that I shouldn’t leave her alone.
“Bring your bike over while I get us a room.” I caved, a lovely smile met mine. The right corner of her lips hanging over the left slightly, dirt crunching underneath her wheels as we crossed the road. Waiting outside, the bell announced my presence. A young blonde haired woman looked up from her magazine, her hand sliding over a ledger while smacking gum in her mouth. Fishing out the amount of money plus a bit extra to ensure our rest, a key hitting the tip of my finger. Wonderful personality, I thought sarcastically to myself. Taking a second look at her, her ice blue eyes met mine in a chilling stare.
“Watch your mouth in my motel or a punishment will be served.” She spoke coldly, running her hands through her perfect waves. Leaning onto the desk, a souvenir box caught my eyes behind her. Pretending that it didn’t affect me, a case had fallen right on my lap. Guiding her to the room, the key slid in with ease as she parked her bike outside. Locking it behind us, my pensive expression had her asking if I was okay. What made that woman tick? Thinking back to her nametag, Loretta flashed in my head. Lorretta had to be caught, an idea coming to mind. Maybe the locals knew about any disappearances, my brow cocking at a bottle of water hitting my face.
“Maybe you could be Sherlock Holmes after we eat. I am starving.” She joked with a biting tone, her hand resting on her hip. A long sigh drew from my lips. Huffing out a quick fine, that would give me the opportunity I desired. Locking the door behind us, her cold gaze met my defiant grin on my determined features. Bars would soon keep her in her new home, the orange sure to look lovely on her. Crossing the street, another bell announced our presence. Taking a seat at the worn wooden bar, the walls were lined with pictures of missing persons. Asking for a napkin, the similar brown hair and brown eyes spoke of a type. Borrowing a pen from the friendly but rather hairy bartender, eyes tracked me walking up to the missing people. Scribbling away, certain jewelry underneath their names would help me identify who was who. Plopping down at the bar, Lightz had ordered for me. The bell rang once more, Loretta finding her way in. A lovely summer ivory summer dress floated over her hourglass figure, the stool groaning as she took a seat next to me. Refusing to look her in the eyes, her next word sent a shiver up my spine.
“Mice like you get devoured by the cat.” She chuckled heartily as if it was a normal thing to say. “The mouse doesn’t find her way out on her own. Such lovely hair and eyes.” Playing with my hair, Lightz slapped her hand away. Rising from her stool, she towered over Loretta. Leaning down by her ear, my ears didn’t pick what she said. Loretta rose with a huff, the door slamming behind her. What the hell did she say? Crashing down next to me, a couple of hot burgers got placed in front of us. We didn’t order anything, something feeling fishy. Bringing it to my nose, a rancid smell had me whacking it out of her hands. Slamming my money on the counter, a sedative had been blended with the meat. The cook had to be an associate of hers, my hand snatching her wrists. Dragging her out, two black bags were dropped over our heads. Tossing us into the back of a van. Leaning onto the side of the van, a darkness swallowed us. Turning my head towards her, we would need her magic.
“Pretend to be knocked out when they open the door. She should bring us to the bodies.” I whispered loud enough for her to hear and her alone. “Punch your way out and find a neighbor. Call the cops and bring them to me. Am I understood?” Shaking her head, she didn’t want to leave my side. Whatever would come my way could be dealt with by one of my many healing potions. Driving through the hours, my powers began to return slowly. The brakes squealed in protest, another scream giving hope of me not being found out. Pale moonlight flickered through the holes of the bag over my head, chaos erupting next to me as Lightz smashed her way out. Ordering them to let her go, her gloved hands ripped me out of the van. A trail of neon energy had me sighing in relief, grunts pouring from her lips as she hooked me up to a meat hook via chains. The years of execution trained me for this moment, no pain starting yet. Ripping the bag off of my head, a tarot card floated by her head. Floating upside down behind her head, a temporary time pass hung around his neck. Knocking her out with a kick, a dull thud announced her landing. Lowering me down, his steady hands went to work chaining her up in my former position. Helping the other woman down, cuts covered her face. Tearing at the hem of my shirt, my steady hands tied the material around the deep cut on her arm. Wet eyes met my gentle smile, her lips parting to speak several times.
“Who are you? I want to send you a thank you note.” She inquired in a hoarse voice, red and blue lights bathing the area. Too concerned with messing with time, forget me powder appeared in my palm. Blowing the iridescent powder into her face, her body collapsed into a heap. Snatching Tarot, his protests fell on deaf ears as I dragged him out the back door. Freezing at the sight of Lightz on her motorcycle, silent tears stained his cheeks. Yanking us onto her bike, I was more than happy to be on the very back. Riding away from the scene, enough power had been restored for us to go home. Pulling off my pendant, my pleas for them to hold on had me. Spinning my pendant counter clockwise, the energy built in the air.
“I call upon the sands of time to whisk me back home and to set this timeline in place. “ I chanted tiredly, the pendant spun faster. A blast of energy shot us into the grand hall of his castle. Flying off the back of the bike, a fuming Marcus caught me. Seconds from berating me, the motorcycle engine died down to reveal Tarot and Lightz hugging each other with uncontrollable sobs. Saby skidded downstairs, only to stop in awe at the witch taking off my mother’s handkerchief. A bond formed between them, inky tattoos of phoenix's appeared around their necks, her father noticing as well. Approaching each other cautiously, Saby’s ears pinned back with her rich blush. Lightz bowed in front of her, her genuine smile enchanting Saby. That smile could enchant anyone if I was being honest.
“I am your mate, Lightz. Let me make you a meal to steal your heart.” She flirted shamelessly, placing her on her back while passing me my scarf. Marcus let it go the moment Tarot bowed in my direction. Pressing his palms together, his fraying nerves had been eased. Thank goodness. Today may have been hard but it sure was worth it.
“Many thanks for your bravery. If it weren’t for you, my daughter would still be trapped.” He choked out oddly, his nature not leading to him having such an air. Waving around my hand to calm his down further, exhaustion weighed heavily on my eyelids. Bobbing my head up and down, sweet slumber stole me away.

Possible accidental spoilers throughout. Some more discussion below the book list.

Some thoughts while reading given up top, my list/order for HH is included for anyone interested in replicating, followed by my current plan forward that I'd like help with, and I've included the descriptions I was given so you can get a feel for what each one is about.
Since the start of the year I powered through most of the HH trying to cover the main story branches.
I really enjoyed the books from the get go and had not expected to as I'm not a big fiction reader. I only had a handful that were just less enjoyable. Nothing overly bad. It really cemented my love of the Ultramarine's.
I also think actually reading the books has done a lot to illustrate how few people HAVE actually read the Lore. Particularly even innocuous things like Land and the "Land Raider" which is clearly played for laughs in-Universe and actually mirrors the naming of Tanks (look it up) but always gets brought up as something super dumb.
I felt like the Emperor is also much more sympathetic than most give credit for and are largely assessing him on grounds of real world ethics rather than those described and the situations the characters find themselves in.
I found the Dark Angels VERY irritating which I think is maybe a controversial view but every one of their narratives felt like "Oh no! The consequences of my actions! Whose fault are these?!?!"
HH in particularly also kind of blows the whole "it's satire" thing out the water. This is a VERY archetypal good vs evil story. Try as you might to avoid it, you're going to make Chaos look Bad and order look good. And they do not try to avoid it. That's not to say that everything the Imperium does is right by a long shot. But it's hard to come away thinking "good people on both sides". ADB gives I think one of the most disturbing accounts of Chaos and I don't see how anyone could read it and think "good guys" (not a crit of people who enjoy the factions/characters etc):
From Echoes of Eternity, inside a Warhound Titan walking towards the final battle on Terra:
Her eyes always slid away from the things the moment she tried to look at them. As soon as she looked away, she forgot they were there. The horde had the numbers to bring about the war’s end, while the defenders only possessed the numbers to delay it – but the losses were going to be grotesque. Ulienne didn’t want to die for the Emperor’s stubbornness. She wanted to live, to see the Warmaster’s ambitions come to fruition. She wanted the Imperium that Horus had promised. An empire for eternity. A kingdom of humanity that would never fall. Hindarah grumbled, sensing her princeps’ unease, but too drugged by her cooled reactor to do anything more. There it was again, the treasonous little notion Ulienne couldn’t quite shake. Horus was a hero, the Warmaster of the Imperium, the pacifier of the galaxy. Of course she’d followed him. The Legio Audax had willingly worn his colours and cast their fate with his. But what would be left after this war? What would be left of Terra and the armies fighting to take it? Surely even now, quiescent alien kingdoms at the Imperium’s edges were reawakening, daring to cast jealous eyes at the worlds they’d lost in the Great Crusade. Would there be enough of the Warmaster’s hosts left to hold the Imperium in its entirety? And what would those hosts look like, with all order and discipline and humanity raked out of them? The Legiones Astartes were already blood-maddened and fighting by the side of those… those things. The regiments of Imperial Army wearing the Warmaster’s Eye were no better. Ulienne Grune didn’t want peace. Peace was boring. Peace was for the weak. She wanted wars she could win. And the Mechanicum, blessings upon its name, was turning on itself, speaking in shrieking cants of scrap code. Raving prophets advocated the abandonment of the Self; immersion within the Manifold, fusion with the machine-spirit. Conflicting philosophies from cults that had never agreed on anything before but at least had the restraint to keep out of each other’s ideologies. Now they screamed with a kind of scattered unity, praying for the sacrifice of flesh and soul to be reborn in cradles of holy iron. Hindarah wanted it, too. Ulienne could feel that. For now, Hindarah waited, and the woman serving as the god-machine’s mind stared at the armoured tide rolling ahead towards the silhouette of distant battlements. This was the first moment of stillness Ulienne could recall in a long, long time. For months now, her physical world had been wholly within the confines of Hindarah’s cockpit. She escaped it only by blending her senses with her engine’s, living through its eyes and its guns, feeling Hindarah’s movements as her own. When had Ulienne last breathed fresh air instead of the sweaty reek coming out of the filtration slits behind her head? When had she last drunk anything but the recycled piss of her closest comrades? When had she last moved from her control throne? Ulienne breathed in, catching the smell of her own shit. Her output filters had failed… when? Days ago? Weeks ago? Her legs were caked with her own waste. Her uniform was patchy with vomit that stank of stale nutrient paste. Once noticed, the stench of the various filths crusting her to her throne was omnipresent. Practically overwhelming. Blearily, she caught sight of her arm. Her hand was a black claw, fused to the metal of– ‘My princeps?’ Jolted from her reverie, she turned her gummy eyes towards Otesh. ‘Moderatus,’ she acknowledged. Sands of Mars, but she was tired, so damn tired. ‘Awaiting your order, my princeps.’ Ulienne stared at her crewmate. Otesh was carrion, her skin sick and sunless, her eyes dry. Ulienne could smell her now too, the spoiled meat sweetness of her. She’d been dead at least a week, even before they’d attempted the climb. At some point before she’d died, the moderatus had bitten through her own tongue. Flies were growing fat on her face, crawling in and out of her open mouth. Ulienne opened her eyes. Or closed them. The dream stopped, or perhaps started again. She wasn’t sure which, nor was she sure if it really mattered any more. ‘My princeps?’ Otesh said again. ‘You’re dead,’ Ulienne said. Or thought. She couldn’t tell if she was speaking or thinking. Even banked, Hindarah’s reactor was pressing at the back of Ulienne’s mind; a constant pressure right in the grey meat of her skull. ‘Are you dead, Otesh?’ ‘My princeps?’ Ulienne heard the words or imagined hearing them. They were spoken by Otesh or by the thing wearing Otesh’s skin or they weren’t spoken at all. Ulienne felt wet warmth on her face. She was weeping. Or she was bleeding from her eyes again. ‘Walk,’ she said, closing her hands around the arms of her control throne. She felt and heard her gloves creak. She was still wearing them. Her hands weren’t black claws melded to the metal. They weren’t. They weren’t. Though she couldn’t bring herself to look to make sure. ‘We walk. Advance with the horde.’ Hindarah rattled and clanked her way forward. The pressure eased, just a little, in Ulienne’s head. The smell of foulness receded. The Warhound’s remaining weapon arm came up. Her stride, though hitched, became a loping run. The ground shook as they began outpacing the infantry. They were charging through the ranks of creatures, half-hidden in the dust, that it hurt to look at. So Ulienne kept her eyes on the walls. Spires were appearing through dusty mist, blunted by bombardment. Fallen battlements. Ruined defence turrets. If Avalon was truly abandoned, that meant a spillage of refugees and retreating soldiers in the expanses of no-man’s-land between here and the Eternity Gate. To Hindarah, it meant prey. The god-machine’s soul urged its commander with a somatic nudge through their tangled linkage. Ulienne’s skin prickled. She parted her lips, and blood made strings between her rotten teeth. The walls of Avalon Bastion grew taller; darkening, resolving. And then: something new. Above the battlements, a lone star shone in the blandness of the ashen sky. Through the iron of her Titan’s bones, Ulienne could hear the legionaries cheering, chanting at her feet, calling out to Hindarah, to Horus, to the creatures in their midst – and to Angron, Angron, Angron. The newborn star started to fall, trailing a tail of fire.
I loved the stories around the Pharos the most. But there were few books from HH I didn't enjoy.
The original plan was to read to the end given that it was "finishing" and then take a break from Warhammer books. But ultimately I enjoyed it so much I couldn't help going through a couple of the other recommended reads as well.
I was not as blown away by the Night Lords trilogy or Infinite and the Divine as I expected to be based on the reviews. But did enjoy them nonetheless. I think Curze made the right call regarding the Night Lords and I think it kind of bugs me that the rest of the Night Lords don't come to similar conclusions (trying to avoid spoiling too much). It would fit with their nature to do so I think.
Vaults of Terra and Eisenhorn were however fantastic in my opinion.

If anyone has recommendations as to where to go next I'm open to suggestions. I've accidentally fudged the order a bit given I've read the Vaults books already but marked where I've been told they fall based on this. My current plan is as follows:

1. Fall of Cadia (January 2017) - summary sufficient
2. Fracture of Biel-Tan (February 2017) - summary sufficient
3. Rise of the Primarch (March 2017) - summary sufficient
4. Cadia Stands by Justin D. Hill (December 2017)
5. Vaults of Terra: The Carrion Throne by Chris Wraight (April 2017)
6. Dante by Guy Haley (February 2018)
7. Vaults of Terra: The Hollow Mountain by Chris Wraight (January 2020)
8. Watchers of the Throne: The Emperor’s Legion by Chris Wraight (December 2017)
9. Vaults of Terra: The Dark City by Chris Wraight (March 2021)
10. Avenging Son by Guy Haley (July 2020)
11. The Gate of Bones by Andy Clark (January 2021)
12. The Wolftime by Gav Thorpe (November 2021)
13. Throne of Light by Guy Haley (February 2022)
14. Knights of Macragge by Nick Kyme (January 2019)
15. Watchers of the Throne: The Regent’s Shadow by Chris Wraight (July 2019)
16. Indomitus by Gav Thorpe (July 2020)
17. Ephrael Stern: The Heretic Saint by David Annandale (September 2020)
18. Dark Imperium by Guy Haley (June 2017)
19. The Swords of Calth by Graham McNeill (May 2020)
20. Dark Imperium: Plague War by Guy Haley (September 2018)
21. Dark Imperium: Godblight by Guy Haley (May 2021)
22. Belisarius Cawl: The Great Work by Guy Haley (June 2019)

Equally, if there are choice HH novels you think I've missed then please suggest!

Here is my reading order so far. There's a quick summary provided with each because I'm copy pasting from my original notes file with details of what was in each book.

• Horus Rising (Horus Heresy I) by Dan Abnett
  • The first book in the Horus Heresy series, setting the stage for the fall of Horus. It portrays the early days of the Great Crusade and the rise of Warmaster Horus. The book highlights the camaraderie and conflicts among the Space Marines and the seeds of betrayal.
• False Gods (Horus Heresy II) by Graham McNeill
  • This book delves into the origins of Horus's fall from grace. It explores his seduction by Chaos and the pivotal events leading to his eventual rebellion. The narrative focuses on the manipulation and deception that drive Horus to treachery.
• Galaxy in Flames (Horus Heresy III) by Ben Counter
  • The tragic conclusion of the initial trilogy of the Horus Heresy. It depicts the catastrophic events of the Isstvan III betrayal. The writing is noted as less compelling, but the plot's significance carries the story.
• The Flight of the Eisenstein (Horus Heresy IV) by James Swallow
  • This action-packed novel follows Nathaniel Garro as he escapes the massacre at Isstvan III to warn the Emperor of Horus's treachery. The book is likened to an action movie, with intense sequences and gripping plot twists.
• Legion (Horus Heresy VII) by Dan Abnett
  • This book is a divisive but well-regarded entry in the series. It focuses on the Alpha Legion and features significant revelations about the 40K universe. The story emphasizes espionage and complex motivations rather than straightforward battles.
• Tales of Heresy (Horus Heresy X)
  • An anthology with standout stories like "Blood Games" by Dan Abnett and "The Last Church" by Graham McNeill. The collection provides diverse perspectives on the Horus Heresy. It’s highly recommended for its varied and impactful short stories.
• A Thousand Sons (Horus Heresy XII) by Graham McNeill
  • A must-read entry focusing on the fall of the Thousand Sons Legion. It details the tragic events that lead to the burning of Prospero. The narrative explores themes of knowledge, hubris, and betrayal.
• Prospero Burns (Horus Heresy XV) by Dan Abnett
  • Originally intended to release alongside A Thousand Sons, it provides the Space Wolves' perspective on the same events. The delay in publication added anticipation, making it a crucial companion piece to understand the full scope of the Prospero tragedy.
• The First Heretic (Horus Heresy XIV) by Aaron Dembski-Bowden
  • A critical book in the series, detailing the true beginnings of the Heresy through the eyes of Lorgar and the Word Bearers. It explores the philosophical and spiritual motivations behind the rebellion. This novel is highly praised for its deep character development and lore expansion.
• Know No Fear (Horus Heresy XIX) by Dan Abnett
  • A highly recommended book depicting the Battle of Calth between the Ultramarines and the Word Bearers. Abnett’s storytelling shines in the portrayal of large-scale warfare and individual heroism. It’s a pivotal moment in the Heresy, showcasing tactical brilliance and brutal combat.
• Fear to Tread (Horus Heresy XXI) by James Swallow
  • Focuses on the Blood Angels and their Primarch Sanguinius. The novel includes significant flashbacks and key events that shape the future of the Blood Angels. It's particularly engaging for fans of this legion.
• Betrayer (Horus Heresy XXIV) by Aaron Dembski-Bowden
  • Centers on Angron and Lorgar as they wreak havoc in the Ultramar sector. The book offers a nuanced portrayal of these characters, making readers sympathize with their plight. It's a highly recommended read for its emotional depth and intense action.
• The Unremembered Empire (Horus Heresy XXVII) by Dan Abnett
  • Initiates the Imperium Secundus storyline, featuring multiple Primarchs and their efforts to create a second empire amidst the Heresy. Abnett’s writing is praised for its complexity and character interactions. The book is pivotal for understanding the broader implications of the Heresy.
• Vengeful Spirit (Horus Heresy) by Graham McNeill
  • Provides insight into Horus’s perspective and development, focusing on his plans and the impact of his decisions. The novel includes significant appearances by the Death Guard and explores themes of power and corruption.
• Pharos (Horus Heresy XXXVI) by Guy Haley
  • Continues the Imperium Secundus arc, featuring key characters like Dantioch and Polux. The novel is noted for its strong character development and intense plot. It’s highly regarded for adding depth to the ongoing storyline.
• Angels of Caliban (Horus Heresy XXXVIII) by Gav Thorpe
  • Wraps up the Imperium Secundus story and continues the Dark Angels arc. The novel is recommended for its intricate plot and character exploration. It provides crucial context for the larger Heresy narrative.
• Praetorian of Dorn (Horus Heresy XXXIX) by John French
  • Focuses on the defense of Terra and the Imperial Fists. The story is notable for its thrilling plot and significant revelations. It’s a must-read for its portrayal of the preparations for the final battles.
• The Master of Mankind (Horus Heresy XLI) by Aaron Dembski-Bowden
  • Explores the Emperor’s perspective and his efforts to protect humanity. The novel portrays the Emperor in a less flattering light, revealing his complexities and flaws. It’s essential reading for understanding the broader motivations behind the Heresy.
• Ruinstorm (Horus Heresy XLVI) by David Annandale
  • Continues the journey of the Blood Angels, Ultramarines, and Dark Angels towards Terra. The book blends horror elements with strategic warfare. It explains key events leading to the final battles of the Heresy.
• The Burden of Loyalty (Horus Heresy XLVIII) Anthology
  • Includes the notable story "Perpetual" by Dan Abnett, which fills in gaps in the overarching narrative. The anthology provides valuable background and character development. It’s recommended for its diverse and enriching tales.
• Wolfsbane (Horus Heresy XLIX) by Guy Haley
  • Focuses on Leman Russ and the Space Wolves, detailing their confrontation with Horus. The novel also explores the origins of Belisarius Cawl. It’s a mixed read but essential for fans of the Space Wolves.
• Slaves to Darkness (Horus Heresy LI) by John French
  • A crucial book where Horus gathers the traitor primarchs for the final assault on Terra. The novel features intense interactions and political maneuvers among the traitors. It’s highly recommended for its plot significance and character dynamics.
• The Solar War (Siege of Terra I) by John French
  • The first book in the Siege of Terra series, marking the beginning of the end. It covers Horus’s entry into the Solar System and the initial stages of the siege. The book is praised for its epic scope and character callbacks.
• The Lost and the Damned (Siege of Terra II) by Guy Haley
  • Chronicles the landing of Horus’s forces on Terra and the ensuing battles. It features a wide array of characters and perspectives. The novel is noted for its dramatic and intense scenes.
• The First Wall (Siege of Terra III) by Gav Thorpe
  • Focuses on the battle for the Lion’s Gate spaceport. While it introduces interesting subplots, the main event is the fierce combat. It’s a detailed account of one of the critical points in the siege.
• Saturnine (Siege of Terra IV) by Dan Abnett
  • The standout book in the Siege of Terra series, delivering high-stakes action and character-driven drama. Abnett balances multiple storylines and provides significant payoffs. It’s the most acclaimed book in the series so far for its epic and emotional depth.
• Mortis (Siege of Terra V) by John French
  • This book continues the Siege of Terra series, focusing on the Titan warfare as the forces of Horus clash with the defenders of Terra. The story is marked by large-scale battles and intense mech combat. It delves into the strategic and personal stakes of the siege.
• Warhawk (Siege of Terra VI) by Chris Wraight
  • The narrative centers on the White Scars and their Primarch, Jaghatai Khan, during the siege. It highlights their efforts to break through Horus’s lines and support the defense of Terra. The book combines high-octane action with moments of deep character insight.
• Echoes of Eternity (Siege of Terra VII) by Aaron Dembski-Bowden
  • This installment brings the Siege of Terra closer to its climax. It explores the psychological and physical toll of the siege on both attackers and defenders. The book features intense battles and significant character moments as the endgame approaches.
• Eisenhorn trilogy by Dan Abnett
  • Follows the Inquisitor Gregor Eisenhorn as he navigates the treacherous politics of the Imperium and battles heresy. The trilogy is a blend of detective noir and dark sci-fi, showcasing Eisenhorn’s moral struggles and his fight against corruption. It’s highly regarded for its deep character development and immersive world-building.
  • "Xenos"
  • "Malleus"
  • "Hereticus"
• Night Lords trilogy by Aaron Dembski-Bowden
  • Chronicles the exploits of the Night Lords Chaos Space Marines. The trilogy delves into the lives of these renegade warriors, revealing their brutal tactics and fractured psyches. It’s praised for its gritty atmosphere and complex, morally ambiguous characters.
  • "Soul Hunter"
  • "Blood Reaver"
  • "Void Stalker"
• The Infinite and the Divine by Robert Rath
  • Focuses on the Necron Overlords Trazyn the Infinite and Orikan the Diviner. The story is filled with dark humor and epic clashes as the two immortals vie for dominance and artifacts across the galaxy. It provides a unique perspective on the 40K universe through the eyes of the ancient and enigmatic Necrons.
• Valdor: Birth of the Imperium by Chris Wraight
  • This novel explores the origins and rise of Constantin Valdor, the Emperor’s Chief Custodian. It sheds light on the formative years of the Imperium and Valdor’s role in shaping its future. The book is noted for its rich lore and exploration of the early days of the Emperor’s reign.
• Vaults of Terra series by Chris Wraight
  • Follows the investigations of Inquisitor Erasmus Crowl and his acolyte Spinoza on Terra. The series uncovers deep secrets and conspiracies within the heart of the Imperium. It combines mystery, political intrigue, and action, offering a detailed look at the inner workings of the Emperor’s domain.
  • "The Carrion Throne"
  • "The Hollow Mountain"
  • "The Dark City"

I found out I was pregnant the other day and I’m 4 weeks and 4 days along. When the doctor told me I was rather surprised, considering I did not expect my period to come until yesterday. I wasn’t even late yet! But, I knew immediately abortion was the way to go. I just graduated college and although my boyfriend and I are considerably stable, I can’t justify having a kid at my age because I just don’t think I have the experience of the real world or resources for them.
It truly felt like a no brainer, and I have an appointment in a few hours to see how far along I truly am and my options. My boyfriend will be coming along with me and has been immensely supportive and I feel very lucky it was him and not someone else, which is why I feel so much more relaxed. He’s my calm during times of chaos.
However, I can’t help but feel sad. Yesterday I was crying over the potential of being a mom, because I do want to be one….just not now. The idea of pregnancy is so beautiful to me and it really got into my head and all I could do was cry, not because of the embryo but just all of these ideas I carry and just how wonderful my partner would be to be a father but it is truly unfair to me and him to do that now because we want to enjoy one another first and get married before dipping our toes in that
I also feel a lot of sadness not telling my parents. They are very much pro choice, but they live thousands of miles away from me, and if I were to tell them the news I was pregnant I want it to be on a happy note that I’m keeping it. I’m their only child and I want their experience of finding out of becoming a grandparent to be positive, not on a situation where I plan to abort. I also know I wouldn’t have the support of his family, they are the opposite from mine….hyper religious and pro life, and I’m also just extremely sad I would be labeled as evil and heartless to them during a time that is so sensitive to me and not something I take lightly.
Honestly, I posted this to just vent, but I also feel like some support other than my bf from strangers would be immensely helpful to me right now. I don’t know who to go to.

My old friend texted me a few months ago asking possibly reconnect. I told her I’d think about it. It’s taking me a while to find a proper response to her. I either feel angry/ upset about everything or I miss her, it’s on and off like mood swings kinda lol. I was wondering would it be an alright idea to maybe suggest trying to be friends again later in life? We’re both in high school right now so I was thinking maybe try again when we’re older and have experienced life more I guess? lol
Explanation:
I was in a friend group with G and A. Then J joined. We started dating not long after. It was my first relationship. There were a lot of arguments between her, G and A at the time. A week or 2 after J had first joined our group she was talking to G and saying that A was annoying and that she didn’t like that I didn’t talk much and that I needed to speak up. Like me and her wagged one time together and she asked G for notes from the lesson that day. G said no and that it was bad and J got annoyed at her. Then after school we got caught by a teacher and J messaged G calling her like a snitch or something rude related to that.( I’ve since reconnected with G and shes told me stuff from her pov. J said she was more of a teenager than me, G and A. Me,G and A were super nerdy lol still are I think. She was private texting me one day how I’m incompetent and bringing people down with my fake bullshit cus I was making self deprecating jokes about myself(which was something I just did to say how I felt I didn’t want attention, G and A did this too, it was like a humour thing for us). She said that I was like a little dog who does everything everyone else does cus I can’t do things for myself. Said I need to actually try to change or else people will use me and leave me. Said no one’s gonna care about me when I die cus I live on a floating rock to stop me from thinking everything is gonna ruin my life cus it’s annoying. She was also drunk texting me one night saying she loved me and stuff cus we were broken up for like a week or 2 cus of her mum. She said A was manipulative(she was right but she was really harsh about telling A) and that people are just going to use me. One time in the gc J made a joke about how she doesn’t know why she gets molested so much. I said I’m sorry that happens and ended up going on some rant where she was talking about how nice people are annoying and all fake and that she wants someone who would be real with her and wants to just have fun. was just us 2 for a few months. I remember one time she put a bit of slime in my hair one day after I said no and she was washing it out and I was kind of crying and she told me to stop wingeing. I never got fully comfortable around her so I was kinda quiet around her. She said I needed a better music taste. She said my playlist was bad. Eventually she broke things off. We stayed friends even tho I was super up set about it. 2 days later she was telling me how cute this guy in one of our classes was cute. She never dated him she just thought he was cute like valentines day was a week or 2 later and our school had this rose sale. She bought and got a teacher to deliver a rose to him. At some point she stopped talking about that. We hung out with this girl(E) and she told me one day J was talking crap about me to her. I remember hearing J laugh at me with E with her(E wouldn’t laugh tho)during HPE lessons when I’d mess up cus I’m not good with that kinda stuff. I know it was a joke but I just felt bothered about it. I believed her for one reason with no proof. J forgave me. Then apparently E had gone around saying she was glad she didn’t have to talk to me or something like that. I don’t know but J really didn’t like E for a bit there. While we were still friends with J she got like some girls number She had a crush on and I just hated listening to her talk about this girl. I was still just so upset about the break up for ages lol. I’m okay now tho lol. She was my only friend but I just felt so upset around her and she was so judgy and she could be pretty rude too. She started talking to more people. She became friends with the girl (AL)she had a crush on(Nothing happened cus that girl was with someone) she started talking with this girl AM a lot. I felt just awkward being with them they were loud and I just felt so uncomfortable like wrong vibes with this girl. I don’t mean to be stuck up I just I don’t know. J and I started talking a lot less. She’d only really message if she needed something like I remember we hadn’t talked in a few days and she asked if I could submit her science assessment for her cus she wasn’t going to school that day. And another was to just walk with her to school to help incase she got bashed by this person and their friends. When she still had a crush on A we went camping for like 2-3 nights. I was super upset about the break up crap and hearing her talk about AL hurt. The last night there we talked in our tent about it and she said stuff about her life choices. I can’t remember all I can is when she said ‘What we had before will never happen again’ At the start of a school term on the first day back me and J had art. She didn’t talk to me much and just left with (AL) and all I got was a message the start of the next lesson ‘wagging bbg’ for some reason I got so angry from that( I feel like it may have been a lot of pent up stuff) that I unadded her on Snapchat, insta and tik tok. I wagged the next 2 and a half days of school avoiding her and then she had left school early and she was walking near me and she called me and then we just went back to her house, scrolled on our phones for the lesson and never brought it up again. One day I left during school to go to her house with her during break. We got back to school and she went to go sit with AL and said she’d sit with me second break. She went with AL at second break they were together all lesson talking. There was a HPE lesson where she said ‘Interesting fashion choice’ with a face, to me cus I was wearing leggings under my skort cus it was cold lol. On my birthday G messaged me saying happy birthday. I didn’t tell J straight away cus I didn’t know if she’d care really cus we werent close then. J didn’t message me. She did say happy birthday to me at school tho and bought me a present. I was with her and AM at first break and A said You have to talk if you want to be involved. In this kind of loud tone that I don’t know it just made me more uncomfortable. I ended up crying thru the next lesson then I wagged the rest of school. J just walked off with her talking friends that break. In a HPE lesson J and AM were behind me and then J flicked my bra strap so then I turned around and said ‘can you not?’ But I sounded really annoyed I kinda was tho. Then I heard Am talking with J and she said something about me being in a pissy mood. I didn’t get an instagram birthday post like Js other friends.Or a international gf day picture put up on her story like all her other friends. After a month of talking with G without J knowing J found out. I wanted to tell her but I was procrastinating it cus I wasn’t sure how she’d react. Like if she cared or not. I was sitting alone at break one time, G came and sat with me. While we were talking, J and AL saw us in the distance cus they were leaving to wag. J messages me on snap calling me a fucking snake and a fake bitch and then we meet at the park later so we can talk.(was my idea) I can’t remember everything but I know she said I was fucked(like messed up in the head) and that I went behind her back and that G hurt her. After some discussion( I can’t remember any of it) she forgave me and I thought I was okay to talk to G still for some reason. She caught me talking to G and got angry at me 2 more times. Then she had an in school suspension one day. I was leaving school with G. J,AM and another girl(she didnt yell or we’ll I couldn’t hear her if she did) make like these monste animal sounds at me? Then further up me and G were walking along a foot path and across the road J, AM walking down the path yelled “FUCK YOU” at us from across the road. We stopped at this park and J was snap chatting me messages I wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not so I asked and she said it’s not a joke idiot we’re not friends anymore. A week later I get a message saying she needs to talk to me. She apologizes and asks if I still want to be friends. She also tells me she’s friends with E again too lol. I just say okay and then I really didn’t talk to her much after that and both of us just stopped talking to eachother at some point. Then months later she messages me ‘I need to speak with you can you call or meet me at my house’ something like that. Then I end up just getting it texted to me cus there was no way in hell I could call her cus I was already bloody panicking from the first message.(Thank you to my poor boyfriend for helping me with that btw lol) she apologized about everything. Said she had been jealous of me hanging with other people, she was insecure she knows she’s hurt me and made me feel horrible about a lot of things, stuff like that. She also asked if I wanted to be friends or atleast talk again or if I wanted her to. She also said I could just get her to completely leave me alone if I wanted. I told her I needed time to think about it, she sent a thumbs up. A few weeks later I ask why didn’t she say dirty sooner and how did she figure all that out?. My message was green and I couldn’t see the status of it so I think she blocked me. Other drama stuff happened while I was still friends with her and stuff but I can’t remember it right now. I’ve seen her at school and honestly she still seems the same. Like with her friends she’s still loud and I don’t know like immature?? She seems the same as when I was friends with her. Also I still kind of feel like I was in the wrong for being too sensitive and just I don’t know why. so like if I was the toxic one here after reading this please let me know cus I’m still iffy about whether I was or not I don’t know.

So first, if anyone has seen the Rising segment - you'll notice the YouTube video is heavily brigaded by hasbara trolls. There are several pro-Israel apps the coordinate spamming comments on articles, videos, social media posts, etc. that criticize Israel.
One such app is 'Iron Truth' - and the objective is to spam pro-Israel comments, pushback on criticism, or spam reports to get content taken down.
The Intercept did an exposé on 'Iron Truth'.

Bri is alleged to have been insensitive to the Israeli guest, the sister of a hostage. But I think it's important to actually watch the video and listen to what the Israeli guest is saying.

1) Hasbara talking-points

• (This is the full portion of the interview with the guest from the point where Bri asks her what she thinks of Israel's refusal to accept a ceasefire) https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=550

Instead of directly answering Bri's question, the guest goes on a rant with a lot of familiar hasbara bullshit - ie "What would America do if [insert a nearby country] did X Y Z?"
Well, if America was militarily occupying those countries and stealing their land, then that would change the context of any such attacks. Israel is an apartheid State that expels Palestinians from their homes and steals their land.
In Area C of the West Bank, Israel's ratio of demolishing Palestinian homes to granting building permits is 100:1.

Israeli authorities refuse the vast majority of requests by Palestinians to upgrade or build homes, schools, health clinics, wells, water cisterns, animal pens, or other structures. Between 2016 and 2018, Israeli authorities approved less than 1.5 percent of applications for Palestinians to build in Area C, 21 applications in total, while issuing 2,147 demolition orders, according to data obtained from the Israeli Civil Administration by Bimkom. 759 In other words, it issued 100 times more demolition orders than building permits in this period.

• Human Rights Watch - A Threshold Crossed: Israeli Authorities and the Crimes of Apartheid and Persecution

Israel's pervasive denial of building permits to Palestinians, not just in the West Bank but in Israel proper and East Jerusalem, is part of its overall agenda of preventing the growth of Palestinian communities.
Along with its other crimes against the Palestinian people - anyone who isn't an ethnoreligious supremacist/nutjob can see why Palestinians are upset & fighting.
Not to mention, the Israeli guest's mentality seems to be 'if Palestinians do X to us, then we're justified in doing whatever back'. Apply that in reverse as a talking-point and see where that gets you with Zionists.

2) Lying about having 'seen' photographic 'evidence' & citing ZAKA, a discredited organization that stages crime scenes & spreads lies

• (Israeli guest referencing ZAKA; followed by Bri pushing back) https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=863
  
• (Israeli guest claiming she saw 'photos of rape' with her own eyes) https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=891
  

The Israeli guest claims to have SEEN with her own eyeballs 'photos of rape happening'. This is 1000% bullshit and hilariously, she cites ZAKA - an Israeli organization known for lying and staging crime scenes, whose founder was alleged to be a serial rapist (and committed sudoku to avoid prosecution).
ZAKA has been discredited thoroughly by the Israeli press for spread atrocity propaganda, such as outright lies & staging of crime scenes:

[...] In the meantime, Zaka volunteers were there. Most of them worked at the sites of murder and destruction from morning to night. However, according to witness accounts, it becomes clear that others were engaged in other activities entirely. As part of the effort to get media exposure, Zaka spread accounts of atrocities that never happened, released sensitive and graphic photos, and acted unprofessionally on the ground.

• Haaretz - Death and Donations: Did the Israeli Volunteer Group Handling the Dead of October 7 Exploit Its Role?

Approaching the group a little more closely revealed that three of the Zaka volunteers were making video calls and videos for fundraising purposes. According to the non-Zaka observer, the body was part of a staged setting – an exhibit designed to attract donors, just when the race against time to gather and remove the bodies of victims of the massacre was most urgent.

• Haaretz - Death and Donations: Did the Israeli Volunteer Group Handling the Dead of October 7 Exploit Its Role?

ZAKA was in severe debt before Oct. 7th. One of its prominent members, Yossi Landau, head of operations for the southern region, went to a Las Vegas fundraiser and told audiences of 'beheaded babies' and pregnant women being separated from their fetuses - both widespread lies.

In the first home he and his colleagues entered "we see a pregnant lady lying on the floor, and then we turn her around and see that the stomach is cut open, wide open. The unborn baby, still connected with a umbilical cord, was stabbed with a knife. And the mother was shot in the head. And you use your imagination, trying to figure out what came first."

• i24 News - Israeli emergency responder: 'I saw 20 children shot, burned and piled together in two piles'

Everyone knows the '40 beheaded babies' propaganda is bullshit. Only 1 baby died on Oct. 7th - due to a stray bullet. Mila Cohen, aged 10 months. Haaretz has a list of all the victims by age and name.
And the Patten report specifically debunked the claim of a pregnant woman being killed and her baby being removed from her:

14) The mission team conducted a visit to kibbutz Be’eri and was able to determine that at least two allegations of sexual violence widely repeated in the media, were unfounded due to either new superseding information or inconsistency in the facts gathered. These included a highly publicized allegation of a pregnant woman whose womb had reportedly been ripped open before being killed, with her fetus stabbed while still inside her. Other allegations, including of objects intentionally inserted into female genital organs, could not be verified by the mission team due in part to limited and low-quality imagery.

• United Nations - Mission report: Official visit of the Office of the SRSG-SVC to Israel and the occupied West Bank, 29 January – 14 February 2024

But onto the specific claim of 'photographic' evidence of rape taking place. The Patten report & the Israeli government have both said there is no video or photographic evidence of rape/sexual assault taking place.

74) In the medicolegal assessment of available photos and videos, no tangible indications of rape could be identified. Further investigation may alter this assessment in the future. Nevertheless, considering the nature of rape, which often does not result in visible injuries, this possibility cannot be ruled out based solely on the medicolegal assessment. Therefore, the mission team concluded that circumstantial indicators, like the position of the corpse and the state of clothing, should also be considered when determining the occurrence of sexual violations, in addition to witness and survivor testimony.
[...] 77) The digital evidence discovered during independent open-source review appeared authentic and unmanipulated. While the mission team reviewed extensive digital material depicting a range of egregious violations, no digital evidence specifically depicting acts of sexual violence was found in open sources.

• United Nations - Mission report: Official visit of the Office of the SRSG-SVC to Israel and the occupied West Bank, 29 January – 14 February 2024

Israel personally requested Pramila Patten to review their collection of evidence.
Haaretz in an April 2024 article reports that the Israeli government has no video & photographic evidence of sexual assault taking place:

Beyond this, from inquiries put to three bodies in the defense establishment by Haaretz, it emerges that the intelligence material collected by the police and the intelligence bodies, including footage from terrorists' body cameras, does not contain visual documentation of any acts of rape themselves. Overall, the police and the State Prosecutor's Office refuse to make public details of their investigation, which, they say, is in progress. The many obstacles in its path were present from the outset.

• Haaretz, April 2024

The Pattern report also debunks the claim that the positioning of dead bodies always implies sexual assault took place.

47) Additional challenges emerged due to erroneous interpretations of the state of bodies by some volunteer first responders without relevant qualifications and expertise. Some examples include mistaking “postmortem pugilistic posturing” (a ‘boxer-like’ body posture with flexed elbows, clenched fists, spread legs, and flexed knees) due to burn damage as indicative of sexual violence; misinterpreting anal dilatation due to postmortem changes as indicative of anal penetration; and mischaracterizing grazing gunshot wounds to genitalia as targeted genital mutilation using knives.1

• United Nations - Mission report: Official visit of the Office of the SRSG-SVC to Israel and the occupied West Bank, 29 January – 14 February 2024

3) More hasbara: crying about food & water not getting in TO THE HOSTAGES? but when Bri correctly points out that Israel is blocking aid, she blames Hamas

• https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=907

Who is blocking aid? Israel:

• Reuters - Israeli protesters block aid convoy headed to Gaza
  
• Oxfam International - Israel government continues to block aid response despite ICJ genocide court ruling, says Oxfam
  
• CNN - At the edge of Gaza, Israelis try to stop aid trucks
  
• The Washington Post - How Israel’s restrictions on aid put Gaza on the brink of famine
  

Etc. etc.
The Israeli guest is mouthing propaganda similar to those Israelis who block aid to starving Palestinian children.
Again, this is low-brow hasbara bullshit and would cause any sane person to roll their eyes.

4) Claims Israel has a cease-fire deal on the table and is waiting for Hamas to agree? Nope, Israel has outright refused the latest cease-fire deal just yesterday.

• https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=1078

Israel has repeatedly said that it cares more about its military operation than returning the hostages:

• Haaretz - Analysis Israelis Want the Hostages Back. So Why Is Netanyahu's Government Ignoring Them?

Israel has hoped that Hamas would reject ceasefire deals so that it could prolong the genocide:

• Haaretz - Analysis Netanyahu Hoped Hamas Would Reject the Cease-fire Offer. When It Didn't, He Turned to Sabotage

The settlers in the Israeli government have threatened to collapse the government, thereby exposing Netanyahu, if the ceasefire deal is signed:

• BBC - Israeli ministers threaten to quit over ceasefire plan

Etc. etc.

5) Finally, after so much bullshit - the guest claims that 'if the world doesn't help Israel, there will be another 9/11' and she goes onto slander the student protest movement against her apartheid State's genocidal rampage. She specifically mentions MICHIGAN though - why?

• https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=1155

It's likely she's playing on Islamophobic stereotypes/reductive media coverage of the protests and associates Michigan with Dearborn and with Arab-Americans and then with Islam.
This kind of low-grade Islamophobia goes hand-in-hand with Zionism, so again - what should Bri have done?
The guest was a buffoon spouting stale propaganda and outright lies.
Bri rolled her eyes and got fired for politely (as much as humanly possible) handling a hasbara troll on her show.

So first, if anyone has seen the Rising segment - you'll notice the YouTube video is heavily brigaded by hasbara trolls. There are several pro-Israel apps the coordinate spamming comments on articles, videos, social media posts, etc. that criticize Israel.
One such app is 'Iron Truth' - and the objective is to spam pro-Israel comments, pushback on criticism, or spam reports to get content taken down.
The Intercept did an exposé on 'Iron Truth'.

Bri is alleged to have been insensitive to the Israeli guest, the sister of a hostage. But I think it's important to actually watch the video and listen to what the Israeli guest is saying.

1) Hasbara talking-points

• (This is the full portion of the interview with the guest from the point where Bri asks her what she thinks of Israel's refusal to accept a ceasefire) https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=550

Instead of directly answering Bri's question, the guest goes on a rant with a lot of familiar hasbara bullshit - ie "What would America do if [insert a nearby country] did X Y Z?"
Well, if America was militarily occupying those countries and stealing their land, then that would change the context of any such attacks. Israel is an apartheid State that expels Palestinians from their homes and steals their land.
In Area C of the West Bank, Israel's ratio of demolishing Palestinian homes to granting building permits is 100:1.

Israeli authorities refuse the vast majority of requests by Palestinians to upgrade or build homes, schools, health clinics, wells, water cisterns, animal pens, or other structures. Between 2016 and 2018, Israeli authorities approved less than 1.5 percent of applications for Palestinians to build in Area C, 21 applications in total, while issuing 2,147 demolition orders, according to data obtained from the Israeli Civil Administration by Bimkom. 759 In other words, it issued 100 times more demolition orders than building permits in this period.

• Human Rights Watch - A Threshold Crossed: Israeli Authorities and the Crimes of Apartheid and Persecution

Israel's pervasive denial of building permits to Palestinians, not just in the West Bank but in Israel proper and East Jerusalem, is part of its overall agenda of preventing the growth of Palestinian communities.
Along with its other crimes against the Palestinian people - anyone who isn't an ethnoreligious supremacist/nutjob can see why Palestinians are upset & fighting.
Not to mention, the Israeli guest's mentality seems to be 'if Palestinians do X to us, then we're justified in doing whatever back'. Apply that in reverse as a talking-point and see where that gets you with Zionists.

2) Lying about having 'seen' photographic 'evidence' & citing ZAKA, a discredited organization that stages crime scenes & spreads lies

• (Israeli guest referencing ZAKA; followed by Bri pushing back) https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=863
  
• (Israeli guest claiming she saw 'photos of rape' with her own eyes) https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=891
  

The Israeli guest claims to have SEEN with her own eyeballs 'photos of rape happening'. This is 1000% bullshit and hilariously, she cites ZAKA - an Israeli organization known for lying and staging crime scenes, whose founder was alleged to be a serial rapist (and committed sudoku to avoid prosecution).
ZAKA has been discredited thoroughly by the Israeli press for spread atrocity propaganda, such as outright lies & staging of crime scenes:

[...] In the meantime, Zaka volunteers were there. Most of them worked at the sites of murder and destruction from morning to night. However, according to witness accounts, it becomes clear that others were engaged in other activities entirely. As part of the effort to get media exposure, Zaka spread accounts of atrocities that never happened, released sensitive and graphic photos, and acted unprofessionally on the ground.

• Haaretz - Death and Donations: Did the Israeli Volunteer Group Handling the Dead of October 7 Exploit Its Role?

Approaching the group a little more closely revealed that three of the Zaka volunteers were making video calls and videos for fundraising purposes. According to the non-Zaka observer, the body was part of a staged setting – an exhibit designed to attract donors, just when the race against time to gather and remove the bodies of victims of the massacre was most urgent.

• Haaretz - Death and Donations: Did the Israeli Volunteer Group Handling the Dead of October 7 Exploit Its Role?

ZAKA was in severe debt before Oct. 7th. One of its prominent members, Yossi Landau, head of operations for the southern region, went to a Las Vegas fundraiser and told audiences of 'beheaded babies' and pregnant women being separated from their fetuses - both widespread lies.

In the first home he and his colleagues entered "we see a pregnant lady lying on the floor, and then we turn her around and see that the stomach is cut open, wide open. The unborn baby, still connected with a umbilical cord, was stabbed with a knife. And the mother was shot in the head. And you use your imagination, trying to figure out what came first."

• i24 News - Israeli emergency responder: 'I saw 20 children shot, burned and piled together in two piles'

Everyone knows the '40 beheaded babies' propaganda is bullshit. Only 1 baby died on Oct. 7th - due to a stray bullet. Mila Cohen, aged 10 months. Haaretz has a list of all the victims by age and name.
And the Patten report specifically debunked the claim of a pregnant woman being killed and her baby being removed from her:

14) The mission team conducted a visit to kibbutz Be’eri and was able to determine that at least two allegations of sexual violence widely repeated in the media, were unfounded due to either new superseding information or inconsistency in the facts gathered. These included a highly publicized allegation of a pregnant woman whose womb had reportedly been ripped open before being killed, with her fetus stabbed while still inside her. Other allegations, including of objects intentionally inserted into female genital organs, could not be verified by the mission team due in part to limited and low-quality imagery.

• United Nations - Mission report: Official visit of the Office of the SRSG-SVC to Israel and the occupied West Bank, 29 January – 14 February 2024

But onto the specific claim of 'photographic' evidence of rape taking place. The Patten report & the Israeli government have both said there is no video or photographic evidence of rape/sexual assault taking place.

74) In the medicolegal assessment of available photos and videos, no tangible indications of rape could be identified. Further investigation may alter this assessment in the future. Nevertheless, considering the nature of rape, which often does not result in visible injuries, this possibility cannot be ruled out based solely on the medicolegal assessment. Therefore, the mission team concluded that circumstantial indicators, like the position of the corpse and the state of clothing, should also be considered when determining the occurrence of sexual violations, in addition to witness and survivor testimony.
[...] 77) The digital evidence discovered during independent open-source review appeared authentic and unmanipulated. While the mission team reviewed extensive digital material depicting a range of egregious violations, no digital evidence specifically depicting acts of sexual violence was found in open sources.

• United Nations - Mission report: Official visit of the Office of the SRSG-SVC to Israel and the occupied West Bank, 29 January – 14 February 2024

Israel personally requested Pramila Patten to review their collection of evidence.
Haaretz in an April 2024 article reports that the Israeli government has no video & photographic evidence of sexual assault taking place:

Beyond this, from inquiries put to three bodies in the defense establishment by Haaretz, it emerges that the intelligence material collected by the police and the intelligence bodies, including footage from terrorists' body cameras, does not contain visual documentation of any acts of rape themselves. Overall, the police and the State Prosecutor's Office refuse to make public details of their investigation, which, they say, is in progress. The many obstacles in its path were present from the outset.

• Haaretz, April 2024

The Pattern report also debunks the claim that the positioning of dead bodies always implies sexual assault took place.

47) Additional challenges emerged due to erroneous interpretations of the state of bodies by some volunteer first responders without relevant qualifications and expertise. Some examples include mistaking “postmortem pugilistic posturing” (a ‘boxer-like’ body posture with flexed elbows, clenched fists, spread legs, and flexed knees) due to burn damage as indicative of sexual violence; misinterpreting anal dilatation due to postmortem changes as indicative of anal penetration; and mischaracterizing grazing gunshot wounds to genitalia as targeted genital mutilation using knives.1

• United Nations - Mission report: Official visit of the Office of the SRSG-SVC to Israel and the occupied West Bank, 29 January – 14 February 2024

3) More hasbara: crying about food & water not getting in TO THE HOSTAGES? but when Bri correctly points out that Israel is blocking aid, she blames Hamas

• https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=907

Who is blocking aid? Israel:

• Reuters - Israeli protesters block aid convoy headed to Gaza
  
• Oxfam International - Israel government continues to block aid response despite ICJ genocide court ruling, says Oxfam
  
• CNN - At the edge of Gaza, Israelis try to stop aid trucks
  
• The Washington Post - How Israel’s restrictions on aid put Gaza on the brink of famine
  

Etc. etc.
The Israeli guest is mouthing propaganda similar to those Israelis who block aid to starving Palestinian children.
Again, this is low-brow hasbara bullshit and would cause any sane person to roll their eyes.

4) Claims Israel has a cease-fire deal on the table and is waiting for Hamas to agree? Nope, Israel has outright refused the latest cease-fire deal just yesterday.

• https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=1078

Israel has repeatedly said that it cares more about its military operation than returning the hostages:

• Haaretz - Analysis Israelis Want the Hostages Back. So Why Is Netanyahu's Government Ignoring Them?

Israel has hoped that Hamas would reject ceasefire deals so that it could prolong the genocide:

• Haaretz - Analysis Netanyahu Hoped Hamas Would Reject the Cease-fire Offer. When It Didn't, He Turned to Sabotage

The settlers in the Israeli government have threatened to collapse the government, thereby exposing Netanyahu, if the ceasefire deal is signed:

• BBC - Israeli ministers threaten to quit over ceasefire plan

Etc. etc.

5) Finally, after so much bullshit - the guest claims that 'if the world doesn't help Israel, there will be another 9/11' and she goes onto slander the student protest movement against her apartheid State's genocidal rampage. She specifically mentions MICHIGAN though - why?

• https://youtu.be/-E6Rk3abIBo?t=1155

It's likely she's playing on Islamophobic stereotypes/reductive media coverage of the protests and associates Michigan with Dearborn and with Arab-Americans and then with Islam.
This kind of idiotic Islamophobia goes hand-in-hand with Zionism, so again - what should Bri have done?
The guest was a supreme idiot. A clown.
Bri rolled her eyes and got fired for politely (as much as humanly possible so long as one has an IQ above room temperature) handling a hasbara troll on her show.

This is particularly in relation to Christians. I often see Christian women cover their hair with a headscarf. However,

1. This is super loose and not as strict as Islam. It doesn’t really matter if a couple of strands of hair are visible.
   
   1. I see this mostly in church. Outside church I don’t think they’re forced to wear it.

Hindus are also encouraged to dress Modestly. But again they don’t have strict thresholds regarding what should not be visible, what can be visible etc, as long as it doesn’t draw attention to you. Again as far as I’m aware and what I’ve noticed from Friends, literature, Movies, etc.
Islam is the only religion that has a very strict outlook on modesty from what I can tell and particularly on Women. Men are encouraged to be modest but…they can show their hair? Whereas a lot of women are told they can’t show…anything? Like we have multiple sects of Muslim women who believe in different levels of modesty right.
First we have the ones who dress modestly but show their hair (honestly seems fine I don’t think anyone is lusting over women only by their hair)
Secondly we have ones to wear hijab but show their face (honestly also fine because we compare a man in Kandura with a cap and a women in abaya with hijab, it’s a pretty equal modesty ratio for both genders to follow)
Third, we have the niqab (doesn’t seem too bad in fact I know people who wear niqab to protect from the sun or dust even the ones who wear hijab occasionally use their scarf to form a semi-niqab to do this, but if they wear it generally then that’s a bit strange)
And lastly the most egregious is the ones who are convinced that a woman must be fully covered head to toe, wearing gloves, covering the face with nothing visible. These ones puzzle me the most. No other religion takes modesty this seriously.
Which brings me somewhat nicely to my last point of confusion regarding this. Modesty is encouraged so that the wrong eyes don’t fall on the innocents. To hide parts of yourself so that the lustful don’t follow you around. But then how do the people following other religions control themselves. According to Islam if women were to show their hair or their figure then Lustful men would be all over them.
That’s not wrong but then….what’s stopping lustful men from being all over Christian women or Hindu women? They seem to be fine with their women wearing dresses that slightly show figure and if lustful men still force themselves on these women that’s not really a point for Islam because even a fully covered women has a chance to be r*ped or assaulted.
I doubt Men who are sinful are controlling themselves because a women is fully covered, if anything being covered in all black probably makes you stand out more in a crowd and as long as these greasy men spot you, they can deduce that a woman is underneath it.
I suppose all this boils down is why is modesty required for self control of the opposite gender’s urges and not for self respect? Why should women cover up so that sinful men don’t give her the googly eyes? Why are men showing their hair and face but a woman can’t? Women have urges too right? They can acquit sexual attraction too but that’s downplayed when we discuss modesty for men. Almost like women are these creatures that just latch onto the man they marry, whereas the man is the one who finds attraction in a woman and chooses to marry. Sounds like what a child’s perception of attraction is. Like yes the main hero of the story falls in love with the beautiful heroine. That’s the perception of love a lot of us has as a kid right? Never the other way around. So why don’t men have to cover their faces or hair? In fact somehow it’s sunnah to grow their hair out? So what women aren’t attracted by a man’s hair but a man can be attracted by a woman’s hair?
Sorry for the rant but it’s a genuine assortment of confusions I’ve had with modesty for a while now. Hope you didn’t fall asleep halfway through 😅

Yk those books that seem overly rated and popular and you’re not sure it’s gonna hit the spot. Well yeah this one obliterated that spot 🥵🥵. Must read. Like I wish I could reread it and I only finished it last night. Fuck me. Jackson Sinclair. Where was he hiding that filthy mouth. Absolutely obsessed. I need more of Jackson and Jamie in particular I loved Ria and Adrian’s book but Jackson knocked it right out of the park. Kyra Parsi can WRITE and engage with readers. The plot was chefs kiss and the smut was out of this world imo.
Jack.” Jackson Sinclair’s head tilted mockingly to one side. “I’m not sure,” he drawled, “her features weren’t exactly memorable.” My anger flared, a rush of buzzing warmth sprinting through my body. “Says the man with the personality of a hardboiled egg.” You could hear a fucking pin drop. LMFAOOO
I clicked my pen, drew a picture on a blank sticky note, and slid it over to him. “Let’s start with the basics, shall we?” I said smoothly, matching his taunting tone. “Tell me, Mr. Sinclair, whereabouts d’you think the clitoris might be?”
He quirked a brow. “What’s your actual size?” “Eight.” “Okay.” He slipped the box back into the bag, placed it beside my door, and reached for… an identical one. There were seven identical bags lined up against the wall to my left. Jackson being a softie for Jamie 🥹
Good girl,” he murmured, so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him. Wouldn’t have if he wasn’t standing so close. But I did. I definitely heard him. And I definitely didn’t hate it. Uh oh. 🙃🥵 Excuse me Mr Sinclair
To put it bluntly, I was experiencing a concerning amount of tingling. The sensation was stemming from where Jackson’s warm and surprisingly soft fingers were threaded with mine, and slowly spreading up my arm, through my chest, and down to the very tips of my toes. Almost exactly like an allergic reaction. I’m Jamie. Jamie is me lol.
I’ll give you a hint,” Jackson murmured darkly. His pupils ate away at the surrounding color as he leaned to whisper in my ear. “I don’t share, Jamie.”“I’m a selfish, selfish man.” His nose accidentally brushed the shell of my ear and I jolted. “I’ll make sure to add that to your profile.” My voice cracked.
Jackson,” I warned. “Yes, friend?” I had to swallow back a laugh. “I’m going to murder you if you don’t stop.” He grinned. “Ah, yes, a friendly jest between two pals. I’ve seen this on television.” the more u read the book u realise why Jackson ACC acknowledges but appreciates Jamie’s gesture to be friends 🥹😭
One, why does it smell like you in here?” It was like someone had rubbed him all over this room. “Ah, yes, you’re going to love this.” I bit down my smile. “You said Cat likes Adrien because of his scent, right?” My heart skipped a beat. “That’s just a theory. We’re not actually sure…” He waved a dismissive hand. “Either way, having my scent associated with all this is probably going to help him warm up to me.”. Eek toebeans 🥺
That was a damn good kiss, Jamie.” Shut it down. SHUT IT DOWN. “I’ve had better,” I said as evenly as I could manage. That was a blatant lie, meant to discourage further flirtation. It failed spectacularly. “Mean.” He was positively beaming. “I don’t believe it for a second, but still mean.”
Tell me some more about how you don’t want my money, so I can tell you exactly how spoiled you’d be as my wife.” He placed a searing kiss on my neck, then nipped at the spot with his teeth.
Fawning 🥵🥵🥵
Come on. Show me what a good girl you can be.”
Jackson tsked. “Needy little thing. You’d need to be fucked regularly if we got married, wouldn’t you?” died at this part.
“I’d like an answer. Shall we discuss just how spoiled you’d be as my wife? How I’d buy you diamonds just so I could fuck you in them?” If he licked his lips one more time I was going to go into cardiac arrest. “I’d make you the envy of every woman in the world, Jamie, even if it was against your will. And with a clit that sweet… the ways I would torture you. You’d look so fucking pretty all tied up for me, blushing and begging for mercy with all those diamonds wrapped around your neck. I’d ruin you.”
“What do you think, sweet girl? You want to know what it feels like to take a full load of my cum in your perfect pussy?” He cocked his head to one side when I whimpered, running his knuckles over my slick skin again. “If you keep making those noises, it’ll be two loads, darling. My cock likes them a little too much. You think your pretty little cunt can handle being fucked twice in one night?”
Truly combusted cos who is this man and where can I find him please
You really are a perfect little sex toy.” His hands slid over my ass cheeks, spreading me wide open. “Look at these pretty little holes. They’re just begging to be fucked, aren’t they? They need it.”
“You should put that in my file.” It was a dare. “When you pick out my wife, you should let her know my favorite kink is eating you out. Tell her I love the taste of your pussy so much that it’s all I’ll be able to think about whenever I get my needs met.” 🤓🥵🥵
Look at you.” He ran the tips of his fingers over the curve of my ass and huffed a dark, amused chuckle when I quivered. “Two full loads of my cum and your greedy little fuckhole’s still pulsating for more. Who knew my sweet girl would turn out to be such a needy slut?”
He lifted what I initially thought was a minimalist charcuterie board and placed it on the top counter. That wasn’t what it was, though. It was a slab of wood topped with sushi. Sloppily made, unevenly cut sushi. My mouth slighted open as Jackson beamed down at his creation with pride, like it was the most perfect thing anyone had ever created with their own two hands. “You... you made that?” “It’s not that hard, Jamie,” he said just as a strip of sticky rice began to peel away from its nori. Two more followed. “Anyone could do this for a living, but not everyone—what the hell?” 😭😭😭 the effort. The consideration. The thoughtfulness. But he doesn’t do “love” my ass
Listen to me so carefully right now.” I grabbed his face and pulled it closer, pressing my forehead to his. I needed him to pay extra close attention to everything I was about to say. “You are about as loveable as it gets, Jackson Sinclair. You’re perfect exactly as you are right now, in this moment. I. Was. Wrong. I admit it with my whole heart. I was so wrong about you that it’s fucking embarrassing. And you want to know what else? If you ever end up changing your mind about this whole romance thing, I think it’s really important that you understand how stupidly easy it would be for you to find someone who’d love the shit out of you for the rest of your life. That’s how loveable you are, Jackson.
Truly bawled at this point cos she found out about his past and it was heart wrenching shit idc
The second they reopened, Jackson stormed back inside, cupped my face, and kissed me until my toes curled, my knees wobbled, and my head spun. “It’s not him,” he whispered against my lips. “It’s not him. Come back to me, Jamie.”. 🥹
“I’m done. Eight billion people in the world and my Jamie’s the best fucking one. It’s her, or it’s no one. I won’t be blackmailed and manipulated into making the single biggest mistake of my life, so fuck you, fuck the shares, and fuck the family legacy. I choose Jamie.” 🥲
!>I’m so glad I married you. Best decision I’ve ever made. You make me so happy, baby. I’m borderline obsessed with being your wife.”!<
His eyes sobered just a touch. “Best year of my life.” “Same. Without question.” Huffing another small giggle, I sang, “Best friends for liiife.” “Best friends for liiife,” he sang back. “I love you, darling. More than anyone, more than anything.”
Theyre so fucking cute. Sickeningly sweet and in love and omg I need more books like this. .

Hi all!
Recently (in the past few weeks) diagnosed inattentive ADHD here, and I’ll cut to the chase.
I have a major assessment that was due last night (with an extension) that I have just barely started today.
I’ve done the math and I can afford the penalties until Tuesday which should be more than enough time to get through the assessment but I am stuck with an overwhelming amount of guilt for leaving it so long to begin. I know not my fault, and ADHD just be that way, but it’s sticking with me so much that it is stopping me from keeping my thoughts focused on the assignment.
How do you guys pick yourselves back up after this kind of fall and keep on going? I’m feeling really crummy right now and every time I go to work on it my head is filled with all the “you’re not good enough” soup that makes me hate myself lol.
I have my diagnosis, but won’t be in to see the psychiatrist to begin medications until mid-July. Any tips/tricks/strategies that help you do the work you need to do would be greatly appreciated!

Greetings Agents!
You're getting ready for a fun weekend, with time off from a long week of commitments. It's time to get your agent geared up and ready for action. And it's time to show the community your drip.
Whether it's a tacticool look, or your scuba and flipflops, bring it on. Trying to recreate a faction look? We'll rate it!
Rules:

• Post pictures of your agent, decked from head to toe, from The Division.
  
• No down talking, we all have different looks we care about. If you don't like someone's look, move on, or make a suggestion in a friendly manner.
  

The new fidelity app (same with the Schwab app) makes it very difficult to see all the information I was used to seeing in one place. Is there a lot more white space now or is the font smaller? I used to be able to very quickly assess the state of my portfolio and now it just hurts my head.
The Schwab app is 1,000 times worse than the old TD Ameritrade app. Figures are in size 1 font and they no longer make to easy to toggle between day change and total p&l on a position , cost basis is gone or needs to be hunted down now. The charts are awkwardly size and you can no longer easily add chart metrics.
So why did two of the major retail reading outfits make their apps so much hard to trade on? Can anyone recommend a trading platform that still provides consolidated easy to view data on a phone app? It’s Alston like Schwab and Fidelity got together and collaborated on how to make trading more difficult.

For a recent story, we asked the top Men’s Health experts a simple question: What’s the best exercise that almost no one does? Their collective reply: the wide-grip deadlift. “It’s a total-body movement that builds muscle and strength from head to toe, and burns tons of calories,” says Men’s Health adviser Joe Dowdell, C.S.C.S. Plus, compared to the classic deadlift, this version of the exercise has three bonus benefits: 1) The wider grip increases the demand on your upper back muscles, 2) forces your forearm and hand muscles to work harder, and 3) boosts the range of motion of the exercise—a key for building more muscle.
(Here's more on how to get the most out of your deadlift.)
Of course, there’s a simple reason plenty of guys don’t do this exercise: It’s hard. And not just in terms of the effort it requires, but also because you have to really focus on your form to do it safely and effectively. But watch the above video for how to master the wide-grip deadlift. When it comes to building muscles and strength, it’ll pay off like no other exercise.
And for full-color photos and instructions of 600 more exercises, along with tons of workouts and useful fitness advice, check out The Men's Health Big Book of Exercises today. It's the most comprehensive collection of exercises ever created.

Im 15 weeks pregnant. I have a small bump but it's not showing much because I always wear loose clothes.
First incident, I went to starbucks with my husband to chill and work. I asked the parking guard to remove the cone so we can park at the designated seniopwd/pregnant parking slot. I told him ai'm pregnant. He looked at me head to toe. He didn't allow us to park there and told me what if there's a senior or pwd customer?
Second instance, my dog used to pee on grass and I live on an apartment on the 5th floor. So we went down to the garden area. There's a sign in the elevator that pets are not allowed to use. My and I still went ahead and rode the elevator going up to 5th floor. On out way up, elevator stopped at 3rd floor. Another person (I think she's in late 50s or early 60s) was about to ride but when she saw my dog, she repeatedly said "pets are not allowed". I told her I'm pregnant. But she still said pets not allowed so we went down at 3rd floor and told her we'll take the next ride. Few minutes late, she reported us to the apartment guard that we are illegally using the elevator. The guard told us she didn't believe that I'm pregnant. She even told the guard "if she's pregnant, why does she have a dog with her?"
Are these discrimination?