A breast lift, or mastopexy, is a cosmetic surgical procedure designed to elevate and reshape sagging breasts by removing excess skin and tightening the surrounding tissue. This surgery helps restore a youthful and firm breast contour without significantly altering breast volume. Ideal candidates are women experiencing breast sagging due to aging, pregnancy, breastfeeding, or weight fluctuations. The procedure involves repositioning the nipples and areolas to a higher, more aesthetically pleasing position. Recovery typically involves swelling and bruising for a few weeks, with most patients returning to normal activities within 1-2 weeks. While results are long-lasting, they may be affected by future pregnancies, weight changes, and the natural aging process.

I am a second year high school wrestler on my women's varsity team and I was wonder what undergarments I should wear? It seemed that all season if I wore boxer shorts they would rid up and show worse then the briefs would, any reccomendations? (Side note, don't say thing because that just sounds painful lol)

TW: Discusses SA and stalking, although not graphically in any way.
I want to preface this by saying, I'm new to being a women, I (35F) started transitioning MtF last year. I'm discovering just how scary this world can be for women. Not that I didn't have any idea before, but experiencing it is something else entirely. I started "passing" somewhat recently, and it's made being out in public, especially alone, very stressful. Something I wasn't prepared for tbh. When I didn't pass, or was clocked as trans, men left me alone. So I think being a "pretty woman" has the most to do with it. I'm whistled at, catcalled, told to smile, have unwanted comments made about what I'm wearing or my body. I've been stalked, followed into a bathroom, and groped (separate events, different guys). All within the last 4-5 months. Needless to say, my confidence about handling myself around the general public has been shattered. I honestly didn't see this happening that badly to me, a 6' tall 160lb 35 year old transwoman. Blows my fucking mind.
Anyway, point being is that I've been particularly sensitive to discussions around SA and violence against women. I find it extremely triggering, and a stupid graphic novel I read recently is just living in my head, torturing me. In brief, it's about a young women who is kidnapped and assaulted by a stalker. Why oh why did I read that comic when it's literally a huge trigger for me? Your guess is as good as mine. It was like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. It was stupid of me to do. Something about it kind of broke me, however.
I've been having nightmares about the male antagonist, I feel like I'm actually being stalked to some degree, even tho I know I'm not. I'm paranoid, having trouble socializing, I'm not eating much, I think about that poor fictional woman constantly... I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, but it's honestly kinda embarrassing. It isn't real, but all I can see is myself I her situation. I've never experienced anything like this before, and I hate it. It sounds ridiculous to say outloud, but it's seriously harming me.
My best guess is that reading all of that brought the new fears forward based on my recent bad experiences. But still, I feel like a fictional story shouldn't be tormenting me like this. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Is there something wrong with me? Should I seek professional help? If so, what kind?
Any advice or support is welcome.

Hey everyone, I just came across this awesome article about Sculptra on Memorial Plastic Surgery’s website and had to share! Sculptra is a game-changing cosmetic treatment that restores facial volume and smooths out wrinkles, giving a natural, youthful look over time. The best part? It’s not just a quick fix. Sculptra actually stimulates your body’s collagen production for long-lasting results. It involves a series of injections that gradually improve skin appearance, making it a fantastic non-surgical option for facial rejuvenation.
The article mentions how folks in Houston, Texas, are loving this innovative treatment. It’s so interesting to see how Sculptra not only tackles immediate concerns but also boosts long-term skin health by enhancing collagen levels. If you’re thinking about enhancing your natural beauty and want a less invasive alternative to traditional fillers, this might be perfect for you. I’m super excited about the potential of Sculptra and thought this was a must-read for anyone considering facial rejuvenation!

Hi yall! So, I’m scheduled to have bottom surgery on July 2nd. I’ve got my time approved, plane tickets, all that good stuff. There’s been something that’s been troubling me, though. I’m stealth at work. Nobody knows that I used to pretend to be a guy. I do water pipeline maintenance, so it’s a male- dominated environment. They guys all like and respect me, and treat me as one of their own. That’s all fine and dandy, but I’m going to be out of work for nearly 45 days, and on light duty for a month following that. What do I say when someone asks me what kind of surgery I’m getting. I know, “None of your business” is the go-to, but I don’t talk to people that way. I’ve said I’m having surgery to correct a birth defect before—which is true!—it seems too vague, though. Another thought is saying that I have severe vaginismus—which, again, is still veeery technically true—but that involves co-opting an existing condition, and for a 44 year-old woman would be way too questionable.
Despite the obvious of me being trans, I don’t like hiding things, but this is a really big deal. I don’t want to flat-out lie or co-opt a condition that cis women suffer from. Does anyone have any ideas?

MATCH RESULTS

Winner	Loser	Match Finish	Stipulation
Sol Ruca	Izzy Dame	Sol Snatcher	Women's North American Championship Qualifier
OTM w/ Jaida Parker	Edris Enofe and Maliq Blade w/ Brinley Reece	In the Mud
Lash Legend w/ Jakara Jackson	Ivy Nile	Big Boot	Women's North American Championship Qualifier
Je'von Evans w/ Trick Williams	Oro Mensah w/ Jakara Jackson and Lash Legend	Hole in the Road
The Good Brothers	Ridge Holland and Riley Osborne w/ Chase U	Roll-Up
Lola Vice w/ Shayna Balzer	Carlee Bright	Spinning Backfist
Tony D'Angelo w/ The D'Angelo Family	Charlie Dempsey (c)	2-1 Fisherman Suplex	For the NXT Heritage Cup

IMPORTANT NOTES

• Kickoff with Noam Dar laid out backstage, Meta Four go to check on him with Oro and Jakara blaming Trick for this while Lash says Trick would never do this.
  
• Backstage Kiana James tells Izzy Dame there's a real she be-friended her over everyone else and says she's going to be a superstar so run NXT while she goes to Run Raw.
  
• Backstage Ava tells Tony D'Angelo and the family that the tag match for the No Quarter Catch Crew didn't catch and demands to know where Damon and Myles are at. Tony says the ref last week just got a bad case of bronchitis and says they had nothing to do with Damon and Myles going missing. Ava threatens to pull the Heritage Cup match tonight but Tony says that'd be false advertising so instead Ava fines them $20,000 which Arianne pays up with a brown envelope and Tony tells her to spruce up her office a bit.
  
• Shayna Bazler says all she knows is dominance and as the longest reigning NXT Women's Champion she's interested into who Ava will pick as Roxanne's next opponent. Lola Vice sets her sights on challenging Rox as well but gets ambushed by Karmen who brawls with her off screen.
  
• In the trainers office Meta Four are told that Noam is out indefinitely after the attack earlier, so Oro steps up to take on Je'von tonight. Noam says he thinks it's Je'von who attacked him earlier and not Trick and Lash believes it's Je'von as well. Miss Jackson starts to ask Lash why she's so quick to believe it isn't Trick but Lash says she doesn't have time for this with her match next.
  
• Backstage Ridge tells Axiom and Nathan Frazer that he's having fun and says Chase is a hell of a guy and Chase U has a lot in common with him. The Good Brothers enter and says Ridge has a anger problem and he's another main roster talent that needs to get the hell out of NXT. Ridge says he actually was in NXT before. Gallows tells Ridge to find a brother and face them tonight and they'll kick him out of NXT but Anderson says Ridge has no friends.
  
• Je'von Evans is interviewed and denies attacking Noam and says it doesn't sound like his boy Trick either but regardless he's taking on Oro next and your boy about to get bouncy.
  
• Carlee Bright runs into Ava and says she wants a match against Lola Vice tonight after she helped break up the fight with Karmen and Lola. Ava says that Carlee really showed out last week in the Combine, finishing 13th, just barely missing the cut and she'll be happy to give her an opportunity tonight.
  
• Charlie Dempsey says he's been in contact with Damon and Myles and they are on their way despite being in rough shape. He says this cup is stained with the NQCC and he'll beat Tony into an inch of his life to defend it.
  
• Wes Lee makes his way to the ring. He says the last time he was in this ring with a mic things were a bit different, he was in the darkest place of his life and didn't know if he'd ever be back here. He says everyone knows how much he loves the NXT North American Championship, and losing it set him down a chain reaction that almost ended his career but he missed this! He says two days after his surgery he was walking again, and weeks later he was in the gym with one goal, to get back here. Wes says he was supposed to be out for a year but was able to make it back in 6 months feeling this amazing energy and honestly doesn't know what to say. Oba Femi makes his way out, he says he isn't there to cut him down, instead he is very impressed at the heights Wes brought this title to was extraordinary but he took it as far as he could, and now it is his time to bring it higher than Wes could ever dream of. He says Wes has a heart of a lion, but he is an actual warrior and he is the mountain that Wes can not conquer but guesses Wes still wants a title match. He tells Wes he has to do what he used to and fight for an opportunity. Wes says every checkbox tick, and while he may not check every single box, when that title was in his hands...but gets cut off by Ivar. Ivar says he knows what it is like to come back from a career ending injury and even went through the same spinal surgery Wes did and he had to fight for everything he got and knows Wes isn't afraid to fight too. Ivar says if Wes wants a shot at Oba he wants a shot at Oba too. Josh Briggs comes out and says they're all so emotional with Wes's comeback story and Ivar showing the world who he truly is, but this is a man's game and the fact is that at Stand and Deliver he and Oba tore the house down and they know how close Josh was to winning the title with broken ribs but now he's fully healed. Josh says he'll through Wes and Ivar a bone once he's champion. Oba says they all have compelling arguments and Wes tells him if he is such a ruler then make it a fatal four way. Oba says there's a reason he is a champion and Wes is not and tells them to fight among themselves and the winner will face him.
  
• Backstage Ridge is interviewed when Chase U approach him and tell him he doesn't have to go in tonight with Andre volunteering Riley to team with Ridge and Thea says it'd be a teachable moment.
  
• Lexis King says he's been on fire lately and offers to take everything else after the live event this weekend. Jazmine Nyx comes by asking if anyone wants to sign a get well soon card for Jacy Jane but everyone besides Lexis leaves. Lexis says he'll gladly sign for Jamie and agrees to sign anyways. He signs but Jazmine reads it and sees he signed it to Jordan and calls him and idiot once he leaves.
  
• Lola goes to beat down Carlee after their match but Nattalya and Karmen run down to send Shayna and Lola to the outside. Karmen tells them there's no more running around, if they really are the baddest then they'll face off next week in a tag match.
  
• Backstage Riley apologizes for losing the tag match tonight, Ridge says it's all good and they just have to trust him. Thea is overjoyed that they can trust Ridge and Andre thanks Riley for giving him a chance.
  
• Backstage Wes Lee, Ivar, and Josh Briggs are all taken out, the attackers are revealed to be the returning Gallus.
  

SHAMELESS PLUGS

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You make pretty regrettable mistakes when you're desperate. Unfortunately, desperation would go on to cost me much more than I ever thought possible.
When I was 19 years old my financial situation wasn't great. In what was left of a crumbling home would be my recovering addict twin sister, and myself. The unfortunate state of our home was all from the even more unfortunate passing of our parents just four years prior. The two hadn't died tragically by any means, thankfully. No.. our parents died of old age, a consequence of having us kids later in life, while not being able to take on the financial burden that would be.. us.
My sister was making the early steps into the college lifestyle, doing her best to stay afloat with my support in funding. Money was tight for the two of us, but as she became more well off on her own, the more content she was with severing the last remaining tie to her childhood.. me.
I didn't hate Xel for her decision, if anything I understood her distancing from this life.. even if it saddened me. So then it was just me! Left to a house with a hole in the ceiling. Believe it or not, life wasn't all to bad even with how considerably down in the dumps it otherwise seemed to be.
However, content as I might have been, it's human nature to want more than you have. Can't say I was to greedy to look for some comfortability in my own home..
And so there it was! The glistening letters of ink outlining my salvation. An advertisement I'd found plastered onto the wall of the small booth I sat at while I waited for the bus to carry me off to work. "$5,000 to those compatible for a recent scientific breakthrough." Under any 'normal' circumstances I would consider this a scam. Hell, I was skeptical as I scanned the letters. Had I been told of this opportunity through spam call or text I would've glossed right over it just as anyone else would have.. but I was desperate.
I think it was the fact that someone, some real person had to have put this paper up on this wall gave me some glimmer of hope for a quick cash grab. Listed bellow the promise of money was details for a number to call regarding interest in the proposition.
I took the bait.. I saw the line, and like some idiot I clamped my teeth down just for that hook to sweep me away.
The corporation I'd come to know as, "The Arsaction," would see me just a week later. There was a brief consultation. They took my weight, age, all things I would've expected. It wasn't until they pulled records regarding my familial situation that I began to find this whole ordeal.. suspicious.
To 'begin' to find things suspicious only at this point is foolish, something I full understand, but I feel the need to reinforce the fact that I, Lex McKarthy, was desperate.
Everything by this point seemed pretty legit. The blood tests, the doctors office, the tests were.. reasonable. What was I to suspect? Everything was so vague, and truth be told I honestly didn't even expect anything to come of this visit. All the doctors, all the consultants seemed so disinterested in my features.. but when they realized I had no one, everything seemed to change.
Suddenly ears perked, suddenly doors closed, suddenly I was.. exactly what they were looking for. Every feature of myself was so painfully average. I was anyman, I was.. nothing. Despite their best efforts to be discreate, I knew it was only the fact that nobody would come looking for me that peaked their interests.
My stomach dropped when I was faced with a pen in my hand, trembling over that NDA. Every fiber of me cursed myself for never considering putting just a minute of research into 'The Arsaction,' however a video briefing would ease my nerves. Nobody knew who The Arsaction was. There was no public record of their existence, and that NDA would make sure that they continued to never exist.
I was stupid, I was irrational, I was in over my head! But I was desperate.. and I had nothing else.
"I have nothing else.. I have nothing else!"
It was a mantra I chanted as I was injected with that substance. The substance that turned my blood orange, made my skin freakishly thin.
And then I went home.
That was it. I was given my sum of money, and I was sent home. They told me I was, "good to go," and no number of questions would get a one of them to speak. I was only met with who I'd assume to be security guiding me out of the building.
Not a word more of what I'd just been injected with, only given instructions to not dwell on mirrors for too long. That was it, just some ominous instructions. So I left, as befuddled as I arrived. Relief washed over me as I made my way home. The anxiety I'd received from such an ominous buildup was all waved by the fact that I was somehow just.. good to go?
Relief quickly turned to panic as the inherent nature of it all being too good to be true set in. I expected to die, I expected some visit from government agents, I expected anything and everything, but as months turned to years.. Nothing ever came of it. No mirror ever caused me any harm, which was its own anxiety I'd have to overcome simply because of the absurd nature or such a request.
I hoped it was.. some prank. Everything was well... for a time. Of course to disturb my peace, my sister called.
I just.. watched the phone ring. My sister, someone who I hadn't spoken to in upwards of 8 years was suddenly ringing me up. When I finally had answered, her question left me speechless.
"Hey Lex. would you happen to remember Mom's recipe for that egg toast? I think I left the cookbook at your place."
I felt my ears ring. The question was so.. casual. She entirely skipped the part where we discussed how she's been, how I'm doing. She spoke to me like we'd hung out only days ago.
At the time I'd thought I was just being dramatic, but looking back on it I can only justify my own hesitation to respond.
"W-..what?"
I stammered like a fool, but I was firm in my disbelief.
"Yeah, it should be in the book on the counter?"
I looked over my shoulder to my kitchen counter, past the toaster I never bought, and over to the book she spoke of. My jaw hung heavy, the whole interaction feeling like a dream.
With one hand I held the phone, and with the other I began to skim the pages of the book letting my eyes linger on mom's cinnamon roll recipe for a bit longer than intended.
"Lex.. are you ok?"
My sister inquired on the other end. I suddenly felt sick.. falling the the ground and laying on my back. This wasn't happening.
"Lex? Are you alright!?"
My sister repeated back more urgently, followed by her assurance that she would be over soon to check on me. But.. no company ever arrived. After hours the line just dropped, and I fell asleep there on that cold, wooden floor, paralyzed with a feeling I couldn't wrap my head around.
When I finally gathered the composure to stand I would try to call Xel back. A frown dawned my face when she never answered. Somehow this didn’t surprise me, and I was lead to believe that she had never called me in the first place. The thing is, the book was still on my counter, and her call was still logged on my phone.
Still, I hadn’t known Xel to do something like this. It wasn’t in her nature to do something so cruel, to act like all this time hadn’t passed.
But it has. Years have gone by and nothing but radio silence from her, a silence I feared would go on. The following days I would continue to attempt to call her, but to no avail.
I had to come to terms with the fact that, as quickly as she had returned too my life, Xel was once again gone. I’m ashamed to admit that, just as I’d forgotten that experience with The Arsaction several years ago, I’d forgotten about my own sister.
Even if she wouldn’t call back, I was inspired to begin looking through old family pictures, and this is where the oddities would start to fester.
I found a picture of Xel and I just.. eating breakfast. Usually my mom was off to work by then, but it was a special occasion. It was a day I remember so vividly. I was 14 years old at this time, and had awoke to the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls filling the air. After all, it was Xel’s and I’s birthday. All was right with the world, all as I climbed from the messy sheets in my dark room. It was abundantly clear that the bulb of the light beside my bed had burnt out over the course of the night, and the closed blinds didn't aid my vision as I stumbled around my room in search of my door.
An oddity presented itself in the fashion of aimless wondering. Where was the nob? One I'd become so accustomed to.. not needing to open? I'd never closed my door. Not the previous night, not ever. Not to the behest of my mother who'd always taken annoyance to closed doors, some trait of my grandmother's to which my mom had unfortunately inherited.
Breakfast took the form of two strips of bacon, scrambled eggs, and slightly burnt French-Toast. My previous assumption of cinnamon rolls unfortunately missed the mark, however I wouldn't object to this. I wish I could convince myself that I was wrong. Something so mundane, something so insignificant to the events in this story, however the first notable instance of a curse that I couldn't pinpoint
My mother had already seen herself off to work by this point, and so I was faced with the responsibilities of seeing myself out to the bus. Some routine I'd become far too used to; The minutes passed, leaving me with nothing to do but wait by the door for a buss that would never arrive.
If the door being shut and the cinnamon rolls being a different meal entirely had left me with a minor confusion, then suddenly being seated in the passenger seat of my mother's car listening to the nonchalant complaints from my twin sister about the nuances freshmen year math shot me into a disarray I couldn't possibly quantify.
I think one of the scariest things for me is the fact that I thought nothing of it. I hadn't freaked out. No scene was made to express what should have been one of the more disturbing instances of my childhood.
I could chalk up the mistaking breakfast for something else as me just misremembering events.. But something unmistakable is the fact that somehow my mom both never drove me to school, yet the fact that she.. always had.
If you're confused, I understand. I am too, because the contradicting nature of my memory is something that haunts me to no end.
Things were easier as a child. That's often the case, but ever sense I stopped aging, I've begun to notice the oddities presented by life that are.. inexplainable. I'm not even sure where to start with researching my predicament.
The Mandela Effect is something that I feel needs no introduction. To those who don't know, the Mandela Effect, in brief, is a phenomenon that incurs when you "misremember" something. Think of a card, now imagine you saw that card as a child and it had a single heart drawn on it's center. Now, years later you are discussing this card with someone else just for them to tell you that the heart you swear, the heart you KNOW you saw.. was a diamond. You tell them they are wrong, you shake your head, chuckle nervously.. But then they present you with the card.
Your stomach drops. This can't be the card, there is no way! Only it is the card, and when you come to the realization that it is in fact the card you'd seen as a child, you are filled with a mix of confusion, fascination, and quite possibly denial.
Most often, the Mandela Effect is associated with silly things like books titles, and board game mascots, but my experience is far beyond such things. It's the only phenomenon I've found that seems even within the realm of explaining my predicament. Problem is, the more I think, the more is wrong.
All of me wishes it all ended with that one childhood experience! But it didn't. In fact, the more I consider my childhood, the more contradictions I notice. Part of me believes I could handle this if it was limited to my childhood, but it's not. This.. experience... It effects my every day!
I'm not losing my mind, I'm just picking up crumbs that I never dropped. Not.. losing my mind, just finding more "mind" than the inventory should account for.
As I stop and think now, I’m understanding that my memories are.. overlapping. Other mirrored versions of myself and my memories will occasionally cross paths, and when they do it causes me to misremember. Not because I don’t remember, but because my memories conflict with one another.
I wish I could see someone about this, but I’m worried the consequences of me seeking someone out.. still, we make dumb mistakes when we are desperate, and I’m starting to feel desperate again.

You make pretty regrettable mistakes when you're desperate. Unfortunately, desperation would go on to cost me much more than I ever thought possible.
When I was 19 years old my financial situation wasn't great. In what was left of a crumbling home would be my recovering addict twin sister, and myself. The unfortunate state of our home was all from the even more unfortunate passing of our parents just four years prior. The two hadn't died tragically by any means, thankfully. No.. our parents died of old age, a consequence of having us kids later in life, while not being able to take on the financial burden that would be.. us.
My sister was making the early steps into the college lifestyle, doing her best to stay afloat with my support in funding. Money was tight for the two of us, but as she became more well off on her own, the more content she was with severing the last remaining tie to her childhood.. me.
I didn't hate Xel for her decision, if anything I understood her distancing from this life.. even if it saddened me. So then it was just me! Left to a house with a hole in the ceiling. Believe it or not, life wasn't all to bad even with how considerably down in the dumps it otherwise seemed to be.
However, content as I might have been, it's human nature to want more than you have. Can't say I was to greedy to look for some comfortability in my own home..
And so there it was! The glistening letters of ink outlining my salvation. An advertisement I'd found plastered onto the wall of the small booth I sat at while I waited for the bus to carry me off to work. "$5,000 to those compatible for a recent scientific breakthrough." Under any 'normal' circumstances I would consider this a scam. Hell, I was skeptical as I scanned the letters. Had I been told of this opportunity through spam call or text I would've glossed right over it just as anyone else would have.. but I was desperate.
I think it was the fact that someone, some real person had to have put this paper up on this wall gave me some glimmer of hope for a quick cash grab. Listed bellow the promise of money was details for a number to call regarding interest in the proposition.
I took the bait.. I saw the line, and like some idiot I clamped my teeth down just for that hook to sweep me away.
The corporation I'd come to know as, "The Arsaction," would see me just a week later. There was a brief consultation. They took my weight, age, all things I would've expected. It wasn't until they pulled records regarding my familial situation that I began to find this whole ordeal.. suspicious.
To 'begin' to find things suspicious only at this point is foolish, something I full understand, but I feel the need to reinforce the fact that I, Lex McKarthy, was desperate.
Everything by this point seemed pretty legit. The blood tests, the doctors office, the tests were.. reasonable. What was I to suspect? Everything was so vague, and truth be told I honestly didn't even expect anything to come of this visit. All the doctors, all the consultants seemed so disinterested in my features.. but when they realized I had no one, everything seemed to change.
Suddenly ears perked, suddenly doors closed, suddenly I was.. exactly what they were looking for. Every feature of myself was so painfully average. I was anyman, I was.. nothing. Despite their best efforts to be discreate, I knew it was only the fact that nobody would come looking for me that peaked their interests.
My stomach dropped when I was faced with a pen in my hand, trembling over that NDA. Every fiber of me cursed myself for never considering putting just a minute of research into 'The Arsaction,' however a video briefing would ease my nerves. Nobody knew who The Arsaction was. There was no public record of their existence, and that NDA would make sure that they continued to never exist.
I was stupid, I was irrational, I was in over my head! But I was desperate.. and I had nothing else.
"I have nothing else.. I have nothing else!"
It was a mantra I chanted as I was injected with that substance. The substance that turned my blood orange, made my skin freakishly thin.
And then I went home.
That was it. I was given my sum of money, and I was sent home. They told me I was, "good to go," and no number of questions would get a one of them to speak. I was only met with who I'd assume to be security guiding me out of the building.
Not a word more of what I'd just been injected with, only given instructions to not dwell on mirrors for too long. That was it, just some ominous instructions. So I left, as befuddled as I arrived. Relief washed over me as I made my way home. The anxiety I'd received from such an ominous buildup was all waved by the fact that I was somehow just.. good to go?
Relief quickly turned to panic as the inherent nature of it all being too good to be true set in. I expected to die, I expected some visit from government agents, I expected anything and everything, but as months turned to years.. Nothing ever came of it. No mirror ever caused me any harm, which was its own anxiety I'd have to overcome simply because of the absurd nature or such a request.
I hoped it was.. some prank. Everything was well... for a time. Of course to disturb my peace, my sister called.
I just.. watched the phone ring. My sister, someone who I hadn't spoken to in upwards of 8 years was suddenly ringing me up. When I finally had answered, her question left me speechless.
"Hey Lex. would you happen to remember Mom's recipe for that egg toast? I think I left the cookbook at your place."
I felt my ears ring. The question was so.. casual. She entirely skipped the part where we discussed how she's been, how I'm doing. She spoke to me like we'd hung out only days ago.
At the time I'd thought I was just being dramatic, but looking back on it I can only justify my own hesitation to respond.
"W-..what?"
I stammered like a fool, but I was firm in my disbelief.
"Yeah, it should be in the book on the counter?"
I looked over my shoulder to my kitchen counter, past the toaster I never bought, and over to the book she spoke of. My jaw hung heavy, the whole interaction feeling like a dream.
With one hand I held the phone, and with the other I began to skim the pages of the book letting my eyes linger on mom's cinnamon roll recipe for a bit longer than intended.
"Lex.. are you ok?"
My sister inquired on the other end. I suddenly felt sick.. falling the the ground and laying on my back. This wasn't happening.
"Lex? Are you alright!?"
My sister repeated back more urgently, followed by her assurance that she would be over soon to check on me. But.. no company ever arrived. After hours the line just dropped, and I fell asleep there on that cold, wooden floor, paralyzed with a feeling I couldn't wrap my head around.
When I finally gathered the composure to stand I would try to call Xel back. A frown dawned my face when she never answered. Somehow this didn’t surprise me, and I was lead to believe that she had never called me in the first place. The thing is, the book was still on my counter, and her call was still logged on my phone.
Still, I hadn’t known Xel to do something like this. It wasn’t in her nature to do something so cruel, to act like all this time hadn’t passed.
But it has. Years have gone by and nothing but radio silence from her, a silence I feared would go on. The following days I would continue to attempt to call her, but to no avail.
I had to come to terms with the fact that, as quickly as she had returned too my life, Xel was once again gone. I’m ashamed to admit that, just as I’d forgotten that experience with The Arsaction several years ago, I’d forgotten about my own sister.
Even if she wouldn’t call back, I was inspired to begin looking through old family pictures, and this is where the oddities would start to fester.
I found a picture of Xel and I just.. eating breakfast. Usually my mom was off to work by then, but it was a special occasion. It was a day I remember so vividly. I was 14 years old at this time, and had awoke to the sweet smell of cinnamon rolls filling the air. After all, it was Xel’s and I’s birthday. All was right with the world, all as I climbed from the messy sheets in my dark room. It was abundantly clear that the bulb of the light beside my bed had burnt out over the course of the night, and the closed blinds didn't aid my vision as I stumbled around my room in search of my door.
An oddity presented itself in the fashion of aimless wondering. Where was the nob? One I'd become so accustomed to.. not needing to open? I'd never closed my door. Not the previous night, not ever. Not to the behest of my mother who'd always taken annoyance to closed doors, some trait of my grandmother's to which my mom had unfortunately inherited.
Breakfast took the form of two strips of bacon, scrambled eggs, and slightly burnt French-Toast. My previous assumption of cinnamon rolls unfortunately missed the mark, however I wouldn't object to this. I wish I could convince myself that I was wrong. Something so mundane, something so insignificant to the events in this story, however the first notable instance of a curse that I couldn't pinpoint
My mother had already seen herself off to work by this point, and so I was faced with the responsibilities of seeing myself out to the bus. Some routine I'd become far too used to; The minutes passed, leaving me with nothing to do but wait by the door for a buss that would never arrive.
If the door being shut and the cinnamon rolls being a different meal entirely had left me with a minor confusion, then suddenly being seated in the passenger seat of my mother's car listening to the nonchalant complaints from my twin sister about the nuances freshmen year math shot me into a disarray I couldn't possibly quantify.
I think one of the scariest things for me is the fact that I thought nothing of it. I hadn't freaked out. No scene was made to express what should have been one of the more disturbing instances of my childhood.
I could chalk up the mistaking breakfast for something else as me just misremembering events.. But something unmistakable is the fact that somehow my mom both never drove me to school, yet the fact that she.. always had.
If you're confused, I understand. I am too, because the contradicting nature of my memory is something that haunts me to no end.
Things were easier as a child. That's often the case, but ever sense I stopped aging, I've begun to notice the oddities presented by life that are.. inexplainable. I'm not even sure where to start with researching my predicament.
The Mandela Effect is something that I feel needs no introduction. To those who don't know, the Mandela Effect, in brief, is a phenomenon that incurs when you "misremember" something. Think of a card, now imagine you saw that card as a child and it had a single heart drawn on it's center. Now, years later you are discussing this card with someone else just for them to tell you that the heart you swear, the heart you KNOW you saw.. was a diamond. You tell them they are wrong, you shake your head, chuckle nervously.. But then they present you with the card.
Your stomach drops. This can't be the card, there is no way! Only it is the card, and when you come to the realization that it is in fact the card you'd seen as a child, you are filled with a mix of confusion, fascination, and quite possibly denial.
Most often, the Mandela Effect is associated with silly things like books titles, and board game mascots, but my experience is far beyond such things. It's the only phenomenon I've found that seems even within the realm of explaining my predicament. Problem is, the more I think, the more is wrong.
All of me wishes it all ended with that one childhood experience! But it didn't. In fact, the more I consider my childhood, the more contradictions I notice. Part of me believes I could handle this if it was limited to my childhood, but it's not. This.. experience... It effects my every day!
I'm not losing my mind, I'm just picking up crumbs that I never dropped. Not.. losing my mind, just finding more "mind" than the inventory should account for.
As I stop and think now, I’m understanding that my memories are.. overlapping. Other mirrored versions of myself and my memories will occasionally cross paths, and when they do it causes me to misremember. Not because I don’t remember, but because my memories conflict with one another.
I wish I could see someone about this, but I’m worried the consequences of me seeking someone out.. still, we make dumb mistakes when we are desperate, and I’m starting to feel desperate again.

Have you ever had trouble processing or interpreting the manga's art in some way, shape, or form? Apparently, it's not that uncommon in the community, as I've seen quite a few people express this, and hopefully I can alleviate that to some extent with posts like this going forward. These posts aren't intended as a replacement for the chapters; rather, they're intended as a page-by-page point of reference and a log of details that you can hopefully reference as you read or reread the manga. Without further ado:
p1-3: Hoping to improve Denji's mood by feeding him, the group leaves the now-destroyed apartment and heads to the train station. As they approach the station, Denji looks down and is shocked to see the body of a deceased chainsaw cultist just lying in the open, though nobody else in the station seems to pay any mind to it. Asa and Fami continue to walk ahead of the group, but Denji slows down, looking back at the body as he tries to process his thoughts; seeing this, Haruka and Nobana choose to lag alongside him. Denji asks them if he's seeing things right—if that really is a dead body. Nobana stays silent, clearly uncomfortable around the body, as he anxiously grabs his other arm. Haruka, on the other hand, confirms that it is, in fact, a corpse before assuring Denji that an attendant will come by to remove the body sometime later. Taken aback by his casual response, Denji stresses that a person died—implying it should be a bigger deal—but Asa responds that seeing dead people is to be expected at this point before telling Denji to hurry up so they can board their train. As the train pulls off, the group sits down and silently listens as Fami begins listing off nearby sushi restaurants ranked in descending order of quality. As she lists them, though, she has to disqualify many of them because they have closed due to the ongoing crisis; through the process of elimination, she eventually narrows the choice down to Sushishi, a budget sushi restaurant. Recognizing the restaurant, Nobana excitedly mentions that he's been there once before, and though he admits that he only bought tea from them, he states that it was good. Oblivious to the conversations around him—as if he was in a trance—Denji stares at the other side of the train, where he sees a mother and her child—sleeping and bandaged from injuries—as well as the seemingly endless landscape of damaged buildings that can be seen from the window behind them.
p4-5: Depressed and trying to understand his situation, Denji asks Asa to clarify why she's so adamant about fighting him suddenly. With a sense of responsibility, Asa cryptically states that if she fights him and wins, it will save Denji. After a brief pause, Denji asks if she's still brainwashed by the Chainsaw Man Church, embarrassing her. Abashed and exasperated, Asa declares she's not brainwashed before asking Fami to explain the plan to Denji. Turning to face each other, Denji and Fami share a look before Fami turns away. In detail, Fami explains the nature of Denji's existence, specifying that his power comes from his contract—that Pochita would become his heart so long as he lives a normal life—and that breaking that contract causes Pochita to manifest in his true form. She clarifies that if Pochita can be defeated, simply swapping Denji's chainsaw heart with a human heart will allow him to become an ordinary human again.
p6-7: Overwhelmed by her explanation, it takes Denji a moment to process what she said, but when he does, he's overcome with suspicion. Denji asks why she knows that much about him, but Fami tilts her head and refuses to respond. Turning to face Asa again, Denji angrily asks if she really believes Fami, pointing out how shady she is in the process. Flustered, Asa attempts to defend Fami, pointing out that she helped rescue Denji from the detention facility. She continues, stating that even if she's done bad things in the past, her heart is in the right place right now because she just wants to help someone. Leaning out and looking at Fami, Asa asks her to confirm her good nature. As the whole group turns to look at her, silently waiting for a response, Fami says nothing at all; instead, the awkward silence is only cut by her rumbling stomach. As the group continues to watch her in stunned silence, she lowers her head in embarrassment.
p8-11: Turning back to Asa, Denji dejectedly asks what she means when she says he can return to "normal". Giving him a frustrated look, she explains that it would let Denji return to his old life. As she states that he could go to school and have a home to return to, she realizes that she accidentally said something insensitive, and her eyes widen in response. Quickly trying to smooth over her mistake, Asa states that she's sure even Nayuta will turn back up, theorizing that she's safe and is only missing because she doesn't have a way to reach out to him after the apartment burned down. Asa assures him that everything will return to how it was before, but Denji tilts his head in thought. Barely turning in her direction, head still tilted, Denji asks if Asa has ever had to eat toilet paper. With no response, Asa only looks at him, confused, as she waits to see where he's going with this question. Continuing, Denji explains that he had so little to eat when he was a child that he'd often eat the toilet paper from a park's public restroom. Despite feeling empathetic towards Denji, Asa can't say anything in response to this revelation, leaving her to sit in stunned silence. Looking away from her, Denji elaborates that once he finally achieved food security, he found out he couldn't bring himself to eat toilet paper anymore. Turning to face her again, he asks if Asa understands what he's trying to say, but she responds that she has no idea since his metaphor is confusing. Lowering his head even more and facing the floor once again out of depression, Denji explains that he can never go back to the way things were before. Behind them, smoke can be seen pouring out of still-smoldering buildings. Stunned into silence, Asa takes one glimpse at Denji's depressed expression and is overcome by emotion. As she lowers her head to match him, she assures him that she'll give him his life back, promising to save him, no matter what.
p12-14: Lighting up a cigarette and taking a drag, Katana Man draws Asa's attention by smoking. As he exhales, he mocks Denji and Asa, saying that kids these days whine "like women". He continues to emasculate Denji, saying that his grandfather would never be avenged by killing "Chainsaw Woman". Asa jumps to Denji's defense, indignantly stating that Katana Man needs to cut him some slack since he's hungry and depressed over Nayuta's uncertain fate. Adding on, she scolds Katana Man, explaining that smoking is prohibited on the train. In response, Katana Man drops his cigarette to the floor; as it continues to burn and release smoke, Asa chides him again. Ignoring her, Katana Man states that he has a better idea than getting sushi; according to him, it's guaranteed to restore the spirit of any man. As Denji turns to face him out of curiosity, Katana Man exclaims that they should take him to a soapland brothel since—according to him—nothing can cheer a man up faster than having sex with a woman.
And that's that. A pretty emotionally heavy chapter this week, but I really like when Fujimoto digs into character's emotions. Off topic, I guess, but there's also no break next week, so that's nice too. Until then, I hope this transcript can help anyone who wants or needs it.

Hey dudes,
A little set up, I'm 32, and something is going on in my life. For the last year I've felt progressively worse. I think there are a few factors.
I switched careers a few years back into programming. I'm very consumed with it, I've studied + work every day for 3 years now. I'm talking 60-80 hours a week studying and programming for 3 years. I'm working on my masters atm + my day job + doing a job hunt since my job is having layoffs constantly. I love programming a lot but I have been starting to get frustrated with it.
Another thing, I have pretty high standards for myself. I workout daily, I take cold showers, focus on my self improvement a lot, and try to keep my house really clean and what not.
I also have a 2 year, really love her, and she's a typical 2 year old.
I'm also married, to the women I dated since 18, we married at 24. We had some extremely toxic times in the past. That's as specific as I'm willing to be. She's a very smart, possibly low level autistic, high achiever. She's also working on her masters atm.
I've also struggled with like medical stress in the past: thinking I had cancer and what not. I don't have those fears anymore, but I have been having all these doctors appointments, and a surgery for something in my ear drum. I'm not like fearful of it but it adds to my stress just all the logistics of it.
So anyways, I've been feeling really fried and terrible the last year. The last few months though it's getting very bad. I was just in Ireland for 2 weeks, and I was literally up all night one night just thinking how I wish I would just die.
I'm not s_____, it's more like: "if I died, that would be just fine" It's a very dark place for me right now. I just feel like I'm not enough, and I need to work harder to be enough.
My typical day is:

• I write out a schedule of things I want to do, and when. Generally every hour of my day is planned.
• Generally I'm always feeling stressed on everything I need to do: interview prep, study for school, workout, clean the house, cook dinner, help out with my daughter, do my job, etc, etc. And I can never keep up with it all. I'm a 4.0 student, do well at work. I would say I hit my marks, and it's important to me.

So anyways... idk I'm looking for advice. I see this is a problem. And I'm very over it. I want to feel good and strong again. I've never struggled with depression in my life, but I have struggled with anxiety. I know I'm over loaded at the moment. I keep telling myself "Just push a little longer" and I think it will clear up: job hunt will end, school will end, my wife will get out of school, etc.
The reality is, I make way more money than I ever dream. I've achieved more than I ever dreamed. I've gone farther in school than anyone in my family. I have a nice house, a nice car, etc. But I feel worse than ever.
I don't want to slow down in school because I want it to be over with, tbh. It's extremely hard for me, but it will pay off I hope.
My wife is also extremely busy, school, daughter, high demand job. So when she has any free time she's looking at instagram trying to just relax. I don't expect her to solve my problems, but it does leave me feeling alone.
In general I just feel like if I died no one would care. I feel like if I was d___, it would all go away. Like all my stress would stop, and I could finally just relax.
Again, I am not s_____. But holy shit I feel alone, and tired.
What should I do? Be kind here, I'm not in the mode for criticism, just advice.

So, before I get into the detail of what I'm trying to ask, I want to kind of set my expectations. My post does kind of centre around me being a trans woman. And I realise that a lot of people here may not be super familiar with the ins and outs of trans people, but I don't think that matters super much. At the end of the day I'm just looking for some friendly advice from mature people on how to handle myself in a somewhat vulnerable situation - please don't let me being trans dissuade you from answering because you're not sure about trans stuff specifically!
Anyway. Long story short, I'm a 28 year old trans woman, and my parents *hate* it. I transitioned when I was younger for a few years, they treated me with a ton of hostility. Life got really bad and I detransitioned and went back in the closet, then a few years later I started transitioning again. Cut to today - I don't look great, but I've been on HRT roughly two years now. I don't look amazing, but strangers are gendering me as a woman pretty often, while I'm still not out at work, and haven't had any sort of conversation with my parents yet to let them know that I'm going to be transitioning again.
I think I'm at a cliff edge where it's becoming a bit frustrating, and a little bit precarious, not being out at work. I've been lightly SA'd on a night out by a man I work with, recently on a few nights out and at meals with work people I was being referred to as miss and she by strangers in front of my colleagues, and I'm very close with a lot of people I work with, so it's just.. odd. Besides that, I've been forcing myself to get comfortable with light makeup and less androgynous clothing recently, and I'm worried about meeting someone I work with in public or on a night out with friends. Besides that, I have to undress for work to go into clean rooms, and I have small, but kind of obvious, breasts - it's awkward being in the mens changing room, and I've noticed people looking, despite my best efforts. On top of that, I'm getting closer to a position where I might be able to take advantage of getting cosmetic facial surgery, and bottom surgery, so it'll be impossible *not* to be out, or for a difference to be noted.
The issue is that I work with my dad. And we work in departments where our work is fairly closely related, and since I got a bit of a promotion, I'm in even more contact with him than before.
Therefore: I need to come out, and probably somewhat soon, so I don't flashbang people with like "btw I'm trans and now I'll be out of office for a bit and going straight into surgery." But, I work with someone who I *know* will be actively hostile to me about it.
I've spoken with my manager, HR, and have a bunch of closer friends who know (either I've told them, or they've been part of a group who were there when work dude felt me up, and know through that). In Ireland I should be protected under our laws from discrimination based on gender. So I have some protection, and backing, at work. But I'm not sure when to pull the trigger on speaking to my parents. I feel like I'm pretty much as "ready" as I'm going to be, and I feel like the frustration at holding back on speaking to them is building. But I'm also terrified that it'll significantly affect my job, and impact my performance, my mental health, and/or my earning potential/ability to keep saving at the rate I currently am (if it got bad enough to necessitate a role change, I might be taken off my current shift role, which would result in me losing a ~20% shift bonus).
I guess the question boils down to whether it's a wiser choice to wait as long as possible, to protect myself for as long as possible, and just find a way to live with being curtailed in some behaviours outside of work (for fear of being seen by someone and word filtering back to work or my family) and with trying to maintain a distant-but-civil relationship with my parents where I see them and feel miserable once a week? Or whether it's probably safe to have that conversation with them now, and give myself time to understand how I'll be impacted by their reaction to the conversation, and give myself a little more freedom in terms of not having to feel so cloistered by the relationship with my parents, and just a little mental health relief overall.
It's probably a question I'd love to discuss with a parental figure, but obviously that option isn't available to me right now. If anyone has any advice or thoughts, I'd really reaaaally appreciate you taking the time to send them.

My wife and I have been married for almost ten years and we have three kids together (8m, 6f and 5f). Since April last year my wife has experienced severe pain, nausea and cramps that has gotten steadily worse as time passed. At the moment she’s effectively bedridden for more than 12 hours a day and when she’s able to be up she can’t do much more than sit. She can’t walk more than halfway around the block before she’s in agony and can’t go further. She was recently diagnosed with PCOS, adenomyosis and endometriosis and will get a hysterectomy around the end of June, along with a colonoscopy and endoscopy in a couple of weeks.
I do all the meal prep, pet care, cooking, washing and cleaning for the five of us. I manage our kids full time on the weekends. On weekdays I start at 630 when the kids wake up and I get them dressed, eating, make school lunches with them, check their bags to make sure they have everything. I wake my wife up at 730 just before I leave for work and I’m there from 830-430. The moment I get home my wife goes to our room to rest while I make sure the kids’ bags and lunchboxes are packed up, make the house tidy, do the rest of their homework with them and cook dinner for them. After that I handle their bathroom routine, get them dressed and if there’s time read a bedtime story. Once they’re in bed I prep dinner for my wife and I and once it’s ready wake her up so we can eat together. After dinner I tidy things away and we talk or watch TV and try to relax. If chores and other jobs need to be done (bins, recycling, dishes, folding etc) I do those while she rests. After that we wash up and are usually in bed by 11 or so.
I chose to take this routine on, because I love my family and right now my wife physically can’t no matter how much she wants to help. I know things will be different after she recovers from surgery, but that won’t be until at least August and if surgery doesn’t get all the endometriosis there’ll be followup surgeries after that. The last week we haven’t been able to touch her without her twitching in pain and every night I’ve stared at the ceiling unable to sleep while she whimpers, knowing I can’t comfort her at all without making her suffering worse. I know it’s only an emotional reaction, but I feel rejected when I try and hold her while I’m asleep and wake up to her nearly screaming and pushing me away. Our intimate life is incredibly spotty and on the rare days where she’s not too bad we try and be together but even then I feel like I need to reassure her that she’s still loved and desired, it’s primarily to emotionally support her.
I don’t rest, or have time to socialise or exercise. The brief moments I have to play games are quickly losing all enjoyment for me. I’ve struggled with depression in the past and I worry that I’m going to end up back in that hole. I don’t know what to do.

Went on a tour of Plitvice National Park in Croatia today. The only other US Citizen on our bus was a boomer man in his 70s or so traveling alone.
Some of this was relayed to me by my husband as at some points of the bus journey I could not take it and put my headphones in to drown him out.
He strikes up a conversation with a young female engineer traveling by herself. She is in her 20s from the UK and visibly a person of color, which unfortunately is relevant to the story.
He inquires where she's from. She answers that she's from London. You can guess what he asks next:
"But where are you really from?"
It didn't get any better from there.
He peppered her with questions, which turned out to be more like an opportunity for him to humble brag. Oh, she's staying in a hostel? Well, personally he could never stomach that, but he's 'not a snob or anything'. His room in Split overlooks the central square.
The young woman actually got separated from our group. I could not tell if this was intentional to get away from boomer McGee but she didn't seem that shaken as I might have been in the same situation, considering that we were a 3 hour drive up the mountain from where our accommodations were.
He sits with her at lunch along with two French girls. He has talked endlessly about his time spent living in Paris, so he's proud to show off his French skills.
She's sitting next to the window on the ride back. Of course he sits next to her, uninvited. Asking about how she felt about being lost, he talks about his own bad travel experiences, like how he lost his phone getting mugged in Paris once. Of course it was necessary for him to mention the muggers race in this anecdote and also speculate that they "must have been from Mali", as if he could possibly know this. He adds, “not that it matters, of course”, even though he must have thought it mattered enough to include it in his anecdote.
He mentions that he is by himself because his wife is "crazy about the grandkids" and sent him off by himself. My interpretation was that his family couldn't stand him and sent him on a tour of the Dalmatian coast to have some peace.
The young engineer then tactfully says that she's had a long day and was hoping to use one of the many empty rows to stretch out, and that she might move a few rows up to do so. She is sitting in the window, he is sitting in the aisle.
"Oh.... so you need me to move, then?" the boomer asks.
Yes, dipshit, she needs you to move.
The woman moves a few rows up but at no point does she sleep. I see her taking videos out the window on her phone of a fortress as we return to Split.
I thought it was notable that despite being the only other Americans on the tour, the boomer has not said one word to me or my husband, an interracial same sex couple. Not that I would have wanted him to.
We arrive back in the city and the poor engineer, unfortunately, is not free of him. The boomer comes waddling up to her. He's invited the French girls (also in their 20's) for some rose and would she like to join?
I think I hear the woman audibly sigh before she collects herself and answers that she has an early day the next morning and needs some rest. Boomer seems disappointed but thankfully does not push the issue.
I think the most unfair part of the whole thing for me was that none of what Boomer McGee was doing rose to the level of harassment. There wasn't any one thing he said where I felt like I could have stepped in and told him to leave her alone, even though it was clear to me that his attention was unwanted. It was all just idle chitchat on his part, but the pervasiveness and persistence of it was the only thing he was doing wrong. I know that women have to deal with this level of not-quite-harassment all the time, and for that I'm truly sorry.
If she reads this somehow, to the young engineer that had to put up with this all day other than that brief respite when you were lost in the park, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this loser all day. Also to the French girls, I hope you got a free bottle of rose and promptly ditched the boomer.

In the ’80s, the spy agency investigated the "Gateway Experience" technique to alter consciousness and ultimately escape spacetime.
The intrigue revolves around a classified 1983 CIA report on a technique called the Gateway Experience, which is a training system designed to focus brainwave output to alter consciousness and ultimately escape the restrictions of time and space.
The CIA was interested in all sorts of psychic research at the time, including the theory of applications of remote viewing, which is when someone views real events with only the power of their mind. The documents have since been declassified and are available to view.
This is a comprehensive excavation of The Gateway Process report. The first section provides a timeline of the key historical developments that led to the CIA’s investigation and subsequent experimentations. The second section is a review of The Gateway Process report. It opens with a wall of theoretical context, on the other side of which lies enough understanding to begin to grasp the principles underlying the Gateway Experience training. The last section outlines the Gateway technique itself and the steps that go into achieving spacetime transcendence.
Let’s go.
THE TIMELINE
• 1950s - Robert Monroe, a radio broadcasting executive, begins producing evidence that specific sound patterns have identifiable effects on human capabilities. These include alertness, sleepiness, and expanded states of consciousness.
• 1956 - Monroe forms an R&D division inside his radio program production corporation RAM Enterprises. The goal is to study sound’s effect on human consciousness. He was obsessed with “Sleep-Learning," or hypnopedia, which exposes sleepers to sound recordings to boost memory of previously learned information.
• 1958 - While experimenting with Sleep-Learning, Monroe discovers an unusual phenomenon. He describes it as sensations of paralysis and vibration accompanied by bright light. It allegedly happens nine times over the proceeding six weeks, and culminates in an out-of-body experience (OBE).
• 1962 - RAM Enterprises moves to Virginia, and renames itself Monroe Industries. It becomes active in radio station ownership, cable television, and later in the production and sale of audio cassettes. These cassettes contain applied learnings from the corporate research program, which is renamed The Monroe Institute.
• 1971 - Monroe publishes Journeys Out of the Body, a book that is credited with popularizing the term “out-of-body experience.”
• 1972 - A classified report circulates in the U.S. military and intelligence communities. It claims that the Soviet Union is pouring money into research involving ESP and psychokinesis for espionage purposes.
• 1975 - Monroe registers the first of several patents concerning audio techniques designed to stimulate brain functions until the left and right hemispheres become synchronized. Monroe dubs the state "Hemi-Sync" (hemispheric synchronization), and claims it could be used to promote mental well-being or to trigger an altered state of consciousness.
• 1978 to 1984 - Army veteran Joseph McMoneagle contributes to 450 remote viewing missions under Project Stargate. He is known as “Remote View No. 1”.
• June 9th, 1983 - The CIA report "Analysis and Assessment of The Gateway Process" is produced. It provides a scientific framework for understanding and expanding human consciousness, out-of-body experiments, and other altered states of mind.
• 1989 - Remote viewer Angela Dellafiora Ford helps track down a former customs agent who has gone on the run. She pinpoints his location as “Lowell, Wyoming”. U.S. Customs apprehend him 100 miles west of a Wyoming town called Lovell.
• 2003 - The CIA approves declassification of the Gateway Process report.
• 2017 - The CIA declassifies 12 million pages of records revealing previously unknown details about the program, which would eventually become known as Project Stargate.
THE REPORT
Personnel
The author of The Gateway Process report is Lieutenant Colonel Wayne M. McDonnell, hereon referred to simply as Wayne. There isn’t a tremendous amount of information available on the man, nor any photographs. In 1983, Wayne was tasked by the Commander of the U.S. Army Operational Group with figuring out how The Gateway Experience, astral projection and out-of-body experiences work. Wayne partnered with a bunch of different folks to produce the report, most notably Itzhak Bentov, a very Googleable American-Israeli scientist who helped pioneer the biomedical engineering industry.
A scientific approach
From the outset of the report, Wayne states his intent to employ an objective scientific method in order to understand the Gateway process. The various scientific avenues he takes include:
• A biomedical inquiry to understand the physical aspects of the process.
• Information on quantum mechanics to describe the nature and functioning of human consciousness.
• Theoretical physics to explain the time-space dimension and means by which expanded human consciousness transcends it.
• Classical physics to bring the whole phenomenon of out-of-body states into the language of physical science (and remove the stigma of an occult connotation).
Methodological frames of reference
Before diving into the Gateway Experience, Wayne develops a frame of reference by dissecting three discrete consciousness-altering methodologies. He’s basically saying, there’s no way you’re going to get through The Gateway without a solid grounding in the brain-altering techniques that came before it.
1) He begins with hypnosis. The language is extremely dense, but the basic gist is as follows: the left side of the brain screens incoming stimuli, categorizing, assessing and assigning meaning to everything through self-cognitive, verbal, and linear reasoning. The left hemisphere then dishes the carefully prepared data to the non-critical, holistic, pattern-oriented right hemisphere, which accepts everything without question. Hypnosis works by putting the left side to sleep, or at least distracting it long enough to allow incoming data direct, unchallenged entry to the right hemisphere. There, stimuli can reach the sensor and motor cortices of the right brain, which corresponds to points in the body. Suggestions then can send electrical signals from the brain to certain parts of the body. Directing these signals appropriately, according to the report, can elicit reactions ranging from left leg numbness to feelings of happiness. Same goes for increased powers of concentration.
2) Wayne continues with a snapshot of transcendental meditation. He distinguishes it from hypnotism. Through concentration the subject draws energy up the spinal cord, resulting in acoustical waves that run through the cerebral ventricles, to the right hemisphere, where they stimulate the cerebral cortex, run along the homunculus and then to the body. The waves are the altered rhythm of heart sounds, which create sympathetic vibrations in the walls of the fluid-filled cavities of the brain’s ventricles. He observed that the symptoms begin in the left side of the body, confirming the right brain’s complicity. Bentov also states that the same effect might be achieved by prolonged exposure to 4 - 7 Hertz/second acoustical vibrations. He suggests standing by an air conditioning duct might also do the trick. (David’s Lynch and other celebrities are committed adherents to transcendental meditation today.)
3) Biofeedback, on the other hand, uses the left hemisphere to gain access to the right brain’s lower cerebral, motor, and sensory cortices. Whereas hypnosis suppresses one side of the brain, and TM bypasses that side altogether, biofeedback teaches the left hemisphere to visualize the desired result, recognize the feelings associated with right hemisphere access, and ultimately achieve the result again. With repetition, the left brain can reliably key into the right brain, and strengthen the pathways so that it can be accessed during a conscious demand mode. A digital thermometer is subsequently placed on a target part of the body. When its temperature increases, objective affirmation is recognized and the state is reinforced. Achieving biofeedback can block pain, enhance feeling, and even suppress tumors, according to the report.
The Gateway mechanics
With that, Wayne takes a first stab at the Gateway process. He classifies it as a “training system designed to bring enhanced strength, focus and coherence to the amplitude and frequency of brainwave output between the left and right hemispheres so as to alter consciousness.”
What distinguishes the Gateway process from hypnosis, TM, and biofeedback, is that it requires achieving a state of consciousness in which the electrical brain patterns of both hemispheres are equal in amplitude and frequency. This is called Hemi-Sync. Lamentably, and perhaps conveniently, we cannot as humans achieve this state on our own. The audio techniques developed by Bob Monroe and his Institute (which are comprised as a series of tapes). claim to induce and sustain Hemi-Sync.
Wayne employs the analogy of a lamp versus a laser. Left to its own devices the human mind expends energy like a lamp, in a chaotic and incoherent way, achieving lots of diffusion but relatively little depth. Under Hemi-Sync though, the mind produces a “disciplined stream of light.” So, once the frequency and amplitude of the brain are rendered coherent it can then synchronize with the rarified energy levels of the universe. With this connection intact, the brain begins to receive symbols and display astonishing flashes of holistic intuition.
The Hemi-Sync technique takes advantage of a Frequency Following Response (FFR). It works like this: an external frequency emulating a recognized one will cause the brain to mimic it. So if a subject hears a frequency at the Theta level, it will shift from its resting Beta level. To achieve these unnatural levels, Hemi-Sync puts a single frequency in the left ear and a contrasting frequency in the right. The brain then experiences the Delta frequency, also known as the beat frequency. It’s more familiarly referred to these days as binaural beats. With the FFR and beat frequency phenomena firmly in place, The Gateway Process introduces a series of frequencies at marginally audible, subliminal levels. With the left brain relaxed and the body in a virtual sleep state, the conditions are ideal to promote brainwave outputs of higher and higher amplitude and frequency. Alongside subliminal suggestions from Bob Monroe (naturally), the subject can then alter their consciousness.
The Gateway system only works when the audio, which is introduced through headphones, is accompanied by a physical quietude comparable to other forms of meditation. This increases the subject’s internal resonance to the body’s sound frequencies, for example the heart. This eliminates the “bifurcation echo”, in which the heartbeat moves up and down the body seven times a second. By placing the body in a sleep-like state, The Gateway CD’s, like meditation, lessen the force and frequency of the heartbeat pushing blood into the aorta. The result is a rhythmic sine wave that in turn amplifies the sound volume of the heart three times. This then amplifies the frequency of brainwave output. The film surrounding the brain—the dura—and fluid between that film and the skull, eventually begin to move up and down, by .0005 and .010 millimeters.
The body, based on its own micro-motions, then functions as a tuned vibrational system. The report claims that the entire body eventually transfers energy at between 6.8 and 7.5 Hertz, which matches Earth’s own energy (7 - 7.5 Hertz). The resulting wavelengths are long, about 40,000 kilometers, which also happens to be the perimeter of the planet. According to Bentov, the signal can move around the world’s electrostatic field in 1/7th of a second.
To recap, the Gateway Process goes like this:
• Induced state of calm
• Blood pressure lowers
• Circulatory system, skeleton and other organ systems begin to vibrate at 7 - 7.5 cycles per second
• Increased resonance is achieved
• The resulting sound waves matches the electrostatic field of the earth
• The body and earth and other similarly tuned minds become a single energy continuum.
We’ve gotten slightly ahead of ourselves here though. Back to the drawing board.
A psycho-quantum level deeper
Wayne then turns to the very nature of matter and energy. More materially (or less if you will), solid matter in the strict construction of the term, he explains, doesn’t exist. The atomic structure is composed of oscillating energy grids surrounded by other oscillating energy grids at tremendous speeds. These oscillation rates vary—the nucleus of an atom vibrates at 10 to the power of 22, a molecule vibrates at 10 to the power of 9, a human cell vibrates at 10 to the power of 3. The point is that the entire universe is one complex system of energy fields. States of matter in this conception then are merely variations in the state of energy.
The result of all these moving energies, bouncing off of energy at rest, projects a 3D mode, a pattern, called a hologram, A.K.A our reality as we experience it. It's best to think of it as a 3D photograph. There’s a whole rabbit hole to go down here. Suffice it to say, the hologram that is our experience is incredibly good at depicting and recording all the various energies bouncing around creating matter. So good, in fact, that we buy into it hook, line, and sinker, going so far as to call it our "life."
Consciousness then can be envisaged as a 3D grid system superimposed over all energy patterns, Wayne writes. Using mathematics, each plane of the grid system can then reduce the data to a 2D form. Our binary (go/no go) minds can then process the data and compare it to other historical data saved in our memory. Our reality is then formed by comparisons. The right hemisphere of the brain acts as the primary matrix or receptor for this holographic input. The left hemisphere then compares it to other data, reducing it to its 2D form.
In keeping with our species' commitment to exceptionalism, as far as we know humans are uniquely capable of achieving this level of consciousness. Simply, humans not only know, but we know that we know. This bestows upon us the ability to duplicate aspects of our own hologram, project them out, perceive that projection, run it through a comparison with our own memory of the hologram, measure the differences using 3D geometry, then run it through our binary system to yield verbal cognition of the self.
The click-out phase
Wayne then shows his cards as a true punisher, issuing, "Up to this point our discussion of the Gateway process has been relatively simple and easy to follow. Now the fun begins." Shots fired, Wayne. What he's preparing the commander reading this heady report for is the reveal—how we can use the Gateway to transcend the dimension of spacetime.
Time is a measurement of energy or force in motion; it is a measurement of change. This is really important. For energy to be classified as in motion, it must be confined within a vibratory pattern that can contain its motion, keeping it still. Energy not contained like this is boundary-less, and moves without limit or dimension, to infinity. This disqualifies boundary-less energy from the dimension of time because it has no rate of change. Energy in infinity, also called "the absolute state," is completely at rest because nothing is accelerating or decelerating it—again, no change. It therefore does not contribute to our hologram, our physical experience. We cannot perceive it.
Now back to frequencies. Wave oscillation occurs because a wave is bouncing between two rigid points of rest. It's like a game of electromagnetic hot potato (the potato being the wave and the participants' hands being the boundaries of the wave). Without these limits, there would be no oscillation. When a wave hits one of those points of rest, just for a very brief instant, it "clicks out" of spacetime and joins infinity. For this to occur, the speed of the oscillation has to drop below 10 the power of -33 centimeters per second. For a moment, the wave enters into a new world. The potato simply disappears into a dimension we cannot perceive.
Theoretically speaking, if the human consciousness wave pattern reaches a high enough frequency, the “click-outs” can reach continuity. Put another way, if the frequency of human consciousness can dip below 10 to the power of 33 centimeters per second but above a state of total rest, it can transcend spacetime. The Gateway experience and associated Hemi-Sync technique is designed for humans to achieve this state and establish a coherent pattern of perception in the newly realized dimensions.
Passport to the hologram
In theory, we can achieve the above at any time. The entire process though is helped along if we can separate the consciousness from our body. It’s like an existential running head start where the click-out of a consciousness already separated from its body starts much closer to, and has more time to dialogue with, other dimensions.
This is where things get a little slippery; hold on as best you can. The universe is in on the whole hologram thing, too, Wayne writes. This super hologram is called a "torus" because it takes the shape of a fuck-off massive self-contained spiral. Like this:
Give yourself a moment to let the above motion sink in...
This pattern of the universe conspicuously mirrors the patterns of electrons around the nucleus of an atom. Galaxies north of our own are moving away from us faster than the galaxies to the south; galaxies to the east and west of us are more distant. The energy that produced the matter that makes up the universe we presently enjoy, will turn back in on itself eventually. Its trajectory is ovoid, also known as the cosmic egg. As it curls back on itself it enters a black hole, goes through a densely packed energy nucleus then gets spat out the other side of a white hole and begins the process again. Springtime in the cosmos, baby!
And that is the context in which the Gateway Experience sits.
[Deep breaths.]
THE TECHNIQUE
The following is an outline of the key steps to reach focus levels necessary to defy the spacetime dimension. This is an involved and lengthy process best attempted in controlled settings. If you’re in a rush, you can apparently listen to enough Monroe Institute Gateway Tapes in 7 days to get there.
The Energy Conversion Box: The Gateway Process begins by teaching the subject to isolate any extraneous concerns using a visualization process called “the energy conversion box.”
Resonant Humming: The individual is introduced to resonant humming. Through the utterance of a protracted single tone, alongside a chorus on the tapes, the mind and body achieve a state of resonance.
The Gateway Affirmation: The participant is exposed to something close to a mantra called The Gateway Affirmation. They must repeat to themselves variations of, “I am merely a physical body and deeply desire to expand my consciousness.”
Hemi-Sync: The individual is finally exposed to the Hemi-Sync sound frequencies, and encouraged to develop a relationship with the feelings that emerge.
Additional Noise: Physical relaxation techniques are practiced while the Hemi-Sync frequencies are expanded to include “pink and white” noise. This puts the body in a state of virtual sleep, while calming the left hemisphere and raising the attentiveness of the right hemisphere.
The Energy Balloon: The individual is then encouraged to visualize the creation of an “energy balloon” beginning at the top of the head, extending down in all directions to the feet then back up again. There are a few reasons for this, the main one being that this balloon will provide protection against conscious entities possessing lower energy levels that he or she may encounter when in the out-of-body state.
Focus 12: The practitioner can consistently achieve sufficient expanded awareness to begin interacting with dimensions beyond their physical reality. To achieve this state requires conscious efforts and more “pink and white noise” from the sound stream.
Tools: Once Focus 12 is achieved, the subject can then employ a series of tools to obtain feedback from alternate dimensions.
Problem Solving: The individual identifies fundamental problems, fills their expanded awareness with them, and then projects them out into the universe. These can include personal difficulties, as well as technical or practical problems.
Patterning: Consciousness is used to achieve desired objectives in the physical, emotional, or intellectual sphere.
Color Breathing: A healing technique that revitalizes the body’s energy flows by imagining colors in a particularly vivid manner.
Energy Bar Tool: This technique involves imagining a small intensely pulsating dot of light that the participant charges up. He or she then uses the sparkling, vibrating cylinder of energy (formerly known as the dot) to channel forces from the universe to heal and revitalize the body.
Remote Viewing: A follow-on technique of the Energy Bar Tool where the dot is turned into a whirling vortex through which the individual sends their imagination in search of illuminating insights.
Living Body Map: A more organized use of the energy bar in which streams of different colors flow from the dot on to correspondingly-colored bodily systems.
Seven days of training have now occurred. Approximately 5 percent of participants get to this next level, according to the report.
Focus 15 - Travel Into the Past: Additional sound on the Hemi-Sync tapes includes more of the same, plus some subliminal suggestions to further expand the consciousness. The instructions are highly symbolic: time is a huge wheel, in which different spokes give access to the participant’s past.
Focus 21 - The Future: This is the last and most advanced state. Like Focus 15, this is a movement out of spacetime into the future.
Out-of-Body Movement: Only one tape of the many is devoted to out-of-body movement. This tape is devoted to facilitating an out-of-body state when the participant’s brain wave patterns and energy levels reach harmony with the surrounding electromagnetic environment. According to Bob Monroe, the participant has to be exposed to Beta signals of around 2877.3 cycles per second.
CONCLUSIONS
Wayne expresses concern about the fidelity of information brought back from out-of-body states using the Gateway technique. Practical applications are of particular concern because of the potential for “information distortion.”
The Monroe Institute also ran into a bunch of issues in which they had individuals travel from the West to the East Coast of the U.S. to read a series of numbers off of a computer screen. They never got them exactly right. Wayne chalks this up to the trouble of differentiating between physical entities and extra-time-space dimensions when in the out-of-body state.
Wayne swings back to support mode though, lending credence to the physics foundation of the report. He cites multiple belief systems that have established identical findings. These include the Tibetan Shoug, the Hindu heaven of Indra, the Hebrew mystical philosophy, and the Christian concept of the Trinity. Here he seems more interested in hammering home the theoretical underpinnings that make The Gateway Experience possible, rather than the practical possibilities promised by The Gateway Tapes.
Possibly with his CIA top brass audience in mind, Wayne then gives an A-type nod to The Gateway Experience for providing a faster, more efficient, less subservient, energy-saving route to expanded consciousness. This finishes with a series of recommendations to the CIA for how to exploit Gateway’s potential for national defense purposes.
The missing page
One curious feature of The Gateway Report is that it seems to be missing page 25. It’s a real cliffhanger too. The bottom of page 24 reads “And, the eternal thought or concept of self which results from this self-consciousness serves the,” The report picks back up on page 26 and 3 sections later as if Wayne hadn’t just revealed the very secret of existence.
The gap has not gone unnoticed. There's a Change.org petition requesting its release. Multiple Freedom of Information Act requests have demanded the same. In all cases, the CIA has said they never had the page to begin with. Here’s a 2019 response from Mark Lilly, the CIA’s Information and Privacy Coordinator, to one Bailey Stoner regarding these records:
One theory goes that that rascal Wayne M.-fricking-McDonnell left the page out on purpose. The theory contends that it was a litmus test—if anyone truly defies time-space dimensions, they’ll certainly be able to locate page 25.
[Cosmic shrug.]
Writing Credit Vice
​
CIA Declassified Report– The Gateway Experience
Here is a copy of the Missing Page 25
There will be a Gateway Help Post following within the next couple days. Thought you might be interested in a little history in the meantime. Cheers!

So in October, i experimented with the idea of being trans, after years of denying that it’s possible .I felt like i was, but it got to a point where all of my inner thoughts made me give up on experimenting more. Thoughts like how people would react if i came out, or if it was a hyper-focus. If there’s even a point, like if i ever truly would feel comfortable in my own body even with every surgery and hormone replacement. It’s almost like all of my gender dysphoria left, i mean i was depressed as fuck but i felt okay in my body since last October. Now, in may I’m thinking about it again and this feeling is just fucking agonizing. My brain feels like it’s scratching itself apart.
I can’t look in a mirror without hating the person staring back, and i don’t know why. My upper half is a skinny, ugly, broad shouldered mess while my lower half is a hairy, ugly, and has a piece of fat hanging off. I hate the person i have to be to act like a man. I hate having to act like i’m masculine.
Even when i dress up as a women it doesn’t change a single thing, like i see myself in different clothes, makeup, longer hair but i can’t help but feel that I’m just playing dress up? Like I’m just some fraud. I desperately want to look in the mirror and see the person i feel i am, but literally nothing i do is fixing the dysphoria at all.
I’m in bed today, i can’t get the motivation to clean myself, look nice because i lost any reasoning to other than to appeal other people. I can’t do anything, i haven’t eaten a single thing for a few days. And even when i try to, i either gag, or i just throw it right back up.
My girlfriend is very supportive and is helping me, but when she calls me by she/her or uses a different name it makes me feel so uncomfortable, despite me desperately wanting to be called she/her and go by a different name. I don’t even understand why and it’s so frustrating. When she compliments me, calling me pretty, i feel like i want to break down and cry because i know that im not the pretty i want to be. Knowing that i can never be a cis girl.
I want nothing but to come out, but as a minor it makes things so much more difficult. My relationship with almost all of my family members except a minor few would just be ruined. I know the exact way they would look at me, almost in disgust, as if I am a pervert for being trans.
And forget school. My social anxiety is already bad enough, that if i came out i would essentially fuck my self over even more.
I’m just stuck, i can’t bear this feeling of pain by being a man, but even when i change my clothes, my hair, use makeup, all of these feminine items i feel no different, and i almost feel as if my depression gets worse when i do appear as a female. What do i do now?

Warning long post; tldr: the title basically
Basically the title. Here's a brief rundown of what I've got so far and why I've narrowed it to these 3.
About me:
MS4 at a low tier USMD in the Northeast. App is heavily geared towards ophtho but still have some IM research and one general surgery project. Honored both IM and surgery. Step 2 was average.
Rotations done so far include an IM subI, an ophtho subI, and I'm currently on my general surgery subI. I have ophtho away rotation lined up later this summer.
Important considerations for me:

• My SO is also a medical student and we're doing long distance. She's applying into pediatrics in Washington state or California and she is dead set on that goal. Ideally we avoid long-distance again which is why lesser competitive specialties like IM is appealing. My SO wants to start a family within the next 3-4 years more or less so she doesn't prefer a LDR.
• My family lives in California and while it's not a dealbreaker to do residency apart from them, it's not ideal, especially since I'm already apart from my SO.
• In terms of degree of importance amongst lifestyle, money, and prestige, it would be lifestyle >>> money>prestige.
• I absolutely have to do a specialty that involves procedures or surgery. I cannot do a specialty that relies solely on my brain everyday, all day.

My impressions so far (which may be flawed of course):
IM (+ fellowship): General medicine is great. I feel like I can actually chime into the discussions because I at least know something about a topic. 7 on 7 off sounds appealing as well. The only thing I don't like about IM is the amount of consults and waiting for other services to drop recs plus all the social dispo planning I have to think about whereas other services just say "medicine to follow" or "signing off". For that reason I would most likely pursue CCPulm or general cardio after IM residency because you are more specialized, can do procedures, and have the option to do both inpatient & outpatient. Another plus is my app is likely strong enough to have a better chance matching near my SO. Big downsides are the long notes, some personalities, and not as lifestyle oriented.
Ophtho: The definition of a lifestyle surgical specialty. Quick procedures and surgeries. Patients really care about vision. Tbh, not sure about the outcomes, seemed like at least 25% of patients were unhappy or unimpressed with their surgical outcome. I really, really, really love the mix of clinic, OR, procedures, imaging, etc. You truly are the expert and nobody can tell you otherwise. Big downside I'm noticing is how "grindy" ophtho can be where ophthalmologists are churning out cataracts non-stop or trying to convince patients to get premium lenses just to make some revenue in the setting of the stagnant reimbursements for cataract surgery for the last decade+. Furthermore, ophtho has the highest risk of going unmatched or matching far away from SO.
General surgery: Frankly I feel like I should remove GS solely due to lifestyle. The most brutal residency of the 3 and most people tend to fellowship which makes this training path ~7 years. However, that is only 1 more year compared to general cardio or CCPulm. I just really enjoy the OR and doing general surgery cases and out of all 3 rotations, GS has been the most fun. Do I HAVE to be a surgeon? No, I just need to do something with my hands. But I really enjoy operating. Biggest downside is the long training and the big risk of doing ~5 years of residency away from my SO. Also not sure how conducive GS is in terms of lifestyle as an attending, especially in a competitive market like California or Washington.
Been talking to my advisors and each one is telling me to apply to their respective specialty.
Edit:
My brain tells me IM + fellowship, but my gut is telling me ophtho, but my heart is telling me GS

I’ve been dealing heavily with feelings of burnout and major anxiety and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wonder if nursing just isn’t for me anymore, or if I need a change, or just need some good psychotherapy..
So, to give some background, I’ve been a nurse since end of 2019 and I had quite a ride at the beginning of my nursing career hence the COVID pandemic hitting 4 months after starting as a new grad. I worked in a crappy hospital on a high acuity PCU that was wildly understaffed and flexed nurses (amongst all other staff) every day. It brought on a lot of trauma and a brief run with alcoholism to my early 20s. l completed almost 2 years and left for my mental health, then worked at a cardiology clinic for a bit. Got bored, missed the hospital, and moved to a different, much better hospital after that and I’ve worked there in PCU for two years now.
I have always dealt with mental health troubles, and I am medicated for it (although probably not on the right things and I need better therapy), but the past 6 months have been extra bad. I’ve had periods of extreme, constant anxiety that last >1week and lead to me having panic attacks at work that are so bad they affect me physically so much so that I’ve had to be sent home because I couldn’t handle working with patients without getting overwhelmed. I used to be so strong and adaptive to the conditions of the job, but I fear I’m just too emotionally burnt out to continue. Does anyone else feel this way?
I’m not sure if I should switch to a more chill job that doesn’t make me question if I’m going to get a break that day or if I’m going to have a patient I need to call a code or rapid response on. I love my unit and the people I work with, but i don’t know if it’s worth the trouble and stress of having to leave work once a month because of my inability to control my anxiety. I feel weak.. I wanted to do and learn so much
Has anyone else had a similar experience? Anyone switch to a lower acuity unit/outpatient/surgery/aesthetics etc and love it? Any advice on how to deal with anxiety/panic attacks at work? Much appreciated all!

So my wife was convinced she had a hiatal hernia and diastasis recti following her two pregnancies. So many doctor visits to Kaiser (our HMO) only for them to tell her the fixes are cosmetic and that she doesn’t have them anyway and to stop looking at Google.
And everytime she came back I’d say to go back and ask again. And then we got some diagnostic testing done, but the wrong kind. And again they said it wouldn’t be covered anyway as it’s not medically necessary except in some circumstances. She should just tough it out.
Now mind you, these issues are not minor. And they are super common for women who carry children. And in other countries, it’s a routine part of after child care (not trying to get into a debate about the merits of one health care system over another, other than to say medical minds differ on their importance).
Finally I said fuck it, and added a PPO insurance through my employer and we went to a specialist. She had her diagnostic procedure today and her doctor’s jaw literally dropped when she saw the results. Lo and behold, it was a sizeable hernia and several ulcers that have formed as a result of stomach acid from the hernia. In her words, it is absolutely medically necessary to fix these issues.
So just a reminder to you dads to support your wives. They know their bodies. And they go through a lot to give us our kids. And when doctors gaslight them, don’t back down!

Lately, many guys have been asking about matchmakers, so I am going to write a series of articles focusing on matchmakers - what they do and what to look for.
A Personal Process
The matchmaking process is an incredibly personal. A person who knows you introduces you to another person they know.
That part of it is simple and easy to understand. It was one of the primary ways people met. Often the matchmaker was an aunt or the wife of a minister or rabbi or maybe the school marm or post mistress in the American West. Usually, it was a woman who knew a lot of people in the community.
Of course, matchmakers still play an important role in most of the world, although it is not nearly as common in the US or Europe as it was even fifty years ago. This largely is a result of a general rise in the age of marriage and an explosion in the movement of people, because you need to really know two people before you match them. Sadly, today in the West nobody knows anyone, so matchmaking is not as common.
Professional Matchmakers
In fact, professional matchmakers were largely restricted to immigrant communities until about twenty years ago. In big American cities there were still a few women making a living as Italian, Greek, Japanese, Chinese, Polish, or Jewish matchmakers, but often these were very small businesses.
Something changed and I don't really know what but the industry grew out of those issues. It seems to have revived first in New York City with millionaire matchmakers charging exorbitant rates to match very wealthy men with beautiful younger women.
The problem was that these matchmakers usually did not know the men or the women, so they created a process based on traditional methods mixed with modern social science research. The process its self is important.
The Process
The matchmaking process is still very personal, but often feels more like a job interview. You work directly with a matchmaker for weeks. They ask an array of very personal questions in an attempt to determine exactly what they right type of woman for you is.
It is very detailed. Here is the form that AFA requires its matchmaking clients to fill out. Other services go into even more detail and some require sessions with a psychologist. For a lot of guys this is a turn-off because it feels too invasive.
Then the matchmaker selects the women for you to meet based on this research. Some of the matchmakers will not even tell you anything about the woman you are paying hundreds and possibly thousands of dollars to meet. Others allow a lot more input including looking at photos.
I understand the concerns about photos. Men are incredibly visual. They often look at a photo and "Fall in Love!" This gums up the meeting process, but if you get a guy in front of a woman - maybe a woman who is not his idea of drop dead gorgeous there might be enough real chemistry to spark a relationship.
Next the matchmaker selects the first date. Usually, the international matchmakers provide the drive, translator, and have already chosen the restaurant. They try very hard to make these first dates perfect.
Then the next day the client is de-briefed by the matchmaker. What happens next depends on this debriefing. Sometimes there is a second date with the woman and other times moving on to a different woman. Sometimes they have the unpleasant task of telling the man - who is the paying customer - that the woman is not interested in him. Then they will discuss what the man can do to improve his form and begin looking for the next match.
This process might continue for a set number of dates or time. It all depends. Generally, matchmakers have a pretty high success rate, especially for financially successful men with a really poor dating track record.
And one of the best thing about all matchmakers is that they are really trying very, very hard. They want to see you succeed. Even the worst want you to succeed as another notch on their broom, but the best will coach you, encourage you, educate with you, cry with you, and celebrate with you.
Factors To Consider When Selecting a Matchmaker

1. General Personality: You are going to spend a ton of time with the matchmaker and their staff. Do you like how they carry themselves and what you can tell of their ethics? What is their background and education? If you do not match well with them the process will be difficult.
2. Aggressiveness: Some matchmakers are VERY pushy. That is a regular issue for men. Be sure you like and respect your matchmaker before you spend any money, and that you are willing to listen to their advice. Otherwise you are simply wasting your time and money.
3. Transparency: How much do they charge and when do they tell you the price? Some matchmakers are notorious for not telling men their price until they know a ton about them and can therefore squeeze them for the maximum amount. This is one of the worse industry practices.
4. Price: The price of high end matchmaking can be more than $500k. That is at the very top of the US and European market. In international matchmaking there is at least one company that advertises a $100k package, although I bet they rarely sell them. In international matchmaking I would say the price usually runs from $5k for a simple package of a few dates in one city to about $20k for scores of dates in a variety of countries over a period of months. SHOP AROUND! Compare price and services.
5. Size Database: How many women do they actually have in their database? This is another issue full of lack of transparency. Often these agencies have very limited catalogs but can reach out to other matchmakers for a trade. This creates a slow complicated process. The more women they have in their database the simpler the process is and the higher chance of success.
6. Location: Where are the women located? This is usually self-evident but since the war in Ukraine it is more important than ever.
7. The Matchmaking Process: Ask them to explain EXACTLY what their process is? Who is involved and how are the women vetted? Ask if you will get to see the women's profiles and photos. I would be careful about ruling out a well regarded service over this issue, but you should know before you start.
8. Reviews: Read the reviews and try to talk to people who actually used them.
9. Beauty: No, not the matchmakers beauty - your potential matches beauty. If you are at least partially driven by beauty mention it and listen to the reaction. Every matchmaker wishes men were not so visual, but you can judge a lot by what they say about this question both good and bad.
10. Settling: A matchmaker should not start out expecting you to settle. You might need to work on yourself and maybe be more open to possibilities, but not to settling. You want a matchmaker who is as devoted to finding you the perfect match as your mom.

Reader Feedback
Have you used a matchmaker? If so, please, please write the name of the company. I have some questions I will DM you for use in future reviews.
Best Wishes!
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I thought this might make for an interesting discussion. I used to strictly be a pantser, having no idea exactly what I would write until I sat down to write it. I was never one for outlines of any sort, and this stayed the case for a while. Somewhere along the line, though, I started making plans for my fics in advance.
It started with just a bullet point list of the main plot point for each upcoming chapter of my longest fic. Then, I made a real, genuine outline document for my first plot-heavy fic because I wanted my plot to be coherent. It was a lot of work, but it was extremely helpful in carrying out the vision for the fic. Ever since then, I've at least written brief summaries of each chapter in advance for a lot of my fics. There was a fic I started with no outline, but I've returned to it now and I found myself writing up an outline for the next 12 or so chapters so I could pace the reveals I want to drop throughout the story. I didn't used to be like this, but I'm now a believer in the power of outlines (at least for plot-based fics, or fics with a lot of moving parts that I don't want to lose track of tiny details on). I don't think I'll outline every single one of my fics or anything, but I never thought I'd be the person who was outlining any of them to begin with!
Have you ever experienced a shift like this with your own writing? Or are there any of you who might have gone in the opposite direction, where you started as a plotter but became more of a pantser over time? I'm really curious to see if this is something that changes for a lot of people.
EDIT:// Just in case you're unfamiliar with the terms, a "plotter" is someone who outlines or plots out their fic in advance, while a "pantser" writes by the seat of their pants (no outlines/minimal to no planning).