Can a woman have ses with a donkey

For context, I’m a 25yo female, that comes from a mixed background (my mother 56F is a white woman from Italy, my father is from the Balkans and migrated to my country when he was younger). This is relevant and you will understand later.
I moved away from home as soon as I could when I was 18 after a not so good childhood, and currently live in another European country. My parents are divorced, my father is not really in the picture, I keep in touch with my mother on a daily basis and come visit her and the rest of the family once or twice a year. We never had the best relationship but since I moved out it improved a lot. I’d say we get along better when I’m far away from home.
Anyway, back to the reason of this post. I’ve been seeing this guy for more than a year, he’s great, we’re slowly getting to know each other and see where this is going. We are not in a rush but of course this is a relationship and I felt it was time to tell something more to my mother. I’ve always been quite open about my relationships and people I was dating, however since getting older I started being more private as I don’t think it would be good to mention every failed date to my mother (lol). We come from a typical small town where people are bigots and close-minded. The news on the tv are constantly complaining about “immigrants coming to our country” and jadajadajada. The government is right wing. So yeah, being racist is almost the norm, unfortunately.
I didn’t really mentioned much about this guy, first of all cause I’m trying to keep it private but also because I could imagine her reaction, since she’s the standard average middle age woman that you find on Facebook without much culture. She is ignorant not as an insult but in the real sense of the word: she ignores, she doesn’t inform herself and just believes whatever the media tells her.
The day after I arrived we were casually talking before bed and she just kept asking “C’mon, don’t you have a pic of this guy? Show me! C’mon c’mon! I’m your mother!” so, one side of me didn’t wanna show her, the other one was excited cause at the end of the day I’m proud of my relationship and I was happy to tell her more (maybe naively hoping for a good outcome…). So without thinking much I showed her one of the best pictures of him. Literally in the millisecond while I was showing her the picture she said something like: “hope it’s not a n****” (WHATTT???).
At that point the phone was already on her face. It was done. She said it, and at the same time she saw the picture. She was speechless and I was too. I was ashamed of her. And sad.
She didn’t say anything more for the following 10 minutes, she went to her room and I went to mine. Afterwards she just asked “does he even work?!” And I told her “don’t worry about it, he’s better off than the both of us” just to make her shut up about that question that I found so disrespectful. This made me just so sad, and disappointed.
But the worst had yet to come. We didn’t speak much about it at all until today.
We were having a casual conversation during the afternoon when the relationship topic came out. In particular, we were talking about how your partner should improve your life and not making it worse, meaning he should make you happy, he should bring good positive vibes, get along etc. that’s what I was thinking and referring to. But she started being very materialistic, she asked me “so, in which way is he improving your life?!” in a very aggressive sassy tone “I don’t see anything changing“ she said. I was mentioning that he makes me happy when the conversation degenerated. All sort of things came out of it.
She started by saying:
“well, I truly hopes this will be just a friend and you will keep it like that”
then she continued with:
“please take birth control precautions before you regret it”
“don’t come to me later saying I didn’t stop you”
and the cherry on top was:
“I would have preferred if you told me you were a lesbian cause at least that is cool nowadays”.
I was speechless and I still am.
I asked her what is it that she doesn’t like and what is she basing her opinions on, since she literally knows nothing about him. She couldn’t answer. She kept repeating the same things over and over and she also said she would never want to meet him.
I have to mention that the few guys she met that I was dating were of different cultures, but she never had a problem with them, I guess because the skin color was the same… and in her mind there are probably foreigners of Class A, B, C…
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I neither expected such a bad reaction.
All this hurts me so much.
I don’t know what to do.
In my mind it neither makes sense cause she married an immigrant but it seems like she never really came to terms with it, she never really accepted it. For instance, I know nothing about my father’s culture, I never learned the language or interesting facts about it because nobody ever thought me anything about it. I only learned about my mother’s culture, the one of the country I lived in. And I always felt out of place because this country is extremely racist. The fact that my father was not a good husband or father has nothing to do with where he comes from. If a person is an idiot, is an idiot no matter what. And I told her this when we were talking. The fact that she had a bad experience doesn’t mean that I will, just because I’m seeing someone from a different culture. I also explained to her that I am myself an immigrant, since I’m living in another country. But it doesn’t seem to click in her head. And when I told her, to her face, that she is indeed racist, she obviously denied it, because how can she be racist if she married an immigrant herself?
And of course during today’s conversation there was some victim behavior on her side, because every time I come back here it’s certain that we are gonna fight and every time it happens I say stuff like “let’s see when and if I will come back again!”. So she was bringing that up cause the other day I said “the first racist comment I hear I’m gone”. She mentioned that, saying I don’t care about her, that she has to beg for me to call her (mind you, we write good morning, good night, text here and there during the day and we talk on the phone 3/4 times a week…). She even said that “she lost me already the moment I left”. Honestly, I don’t know what else more than this she expects from me if what I do is not enough already.
I don’t really know how to handle this. And I’m also just venting and need some support. I wished we could all act as adults, respect each other, have a normal relationship. Am I asking for too much?!
Any advice is highly appreciated.
I’ll be stuck in her house for the next two days and I’ll leave on Thursday. I want her to think about her actions and realize where she did wrong before I leave. I don’t wanna put this under the carpet cause it’s unacceptable and will never forget it.
TL;DR: my 25F mother 56F doesn’t approve of my boyfriend 28M just because of the color of his skin and his religion. Her opinion is based solely on a photo I showed her and at the same time she plays the victim and claims she lost me the moment I moved abroad and I don’t care about her even if we talk everyday. I wished there was a way to behave like adults. Advices on setting boundaries?

So my boyfriend had an ex fuck buddy about 3-4 years ago and they haven’t really talked much since then. Now she is a family friend on his side so she does go to like family or friend parties every now and then. He doesn’t like me to go if she is there because he says i will start drama which i haven’t done at any parties but ok i guess. But at the parties he doesn’t talk to her and has blocked her on instagram. Recently though she messaged and added him on Facebook and she asked him why he doesn’t talk to her and etc. he said it’s because she talks to his best friend. Now she says that she hates that she can’t talk to by boyfriend because “he gets hate for it” refereeing to be tripping about them communicating and my boyfriend tells her it’s ok to talk to him because i don’t trip about it as much as i used to…i felt like that wasn’t necessary to tell this woman and I’ve read their messages and nothing suspicious has come about but i feel like just even entertaining this woman is a red flag. He said there’s nothing going on but this was the woman he did have a threesome with when he cheated on me so by nature i have doubts. He tells me that she the ones who messages and etc and she told me herself that she isn’t going anywhere…and was like happy that i wasn’t going to trip on them talking like girl ok..i just don’t think you should be talking to past fuck buddies if you have a girlfriend and he called me insecure for it, should i just ditch the relationship or am i being crazy . He says i can read the messages of them but idk why he would have her blocked on instagram but accept her request on Facebook..that doesn’t even make sense.

I'm only asking this because too many surgeons and people online saying that under eye hollows are an aging process, but what about those that have it genetically? What about the ones that had it since they were a baby like me and still have it even though I'm 19? Why don't they ever knowledge thr fact that it can be genetic? Why do they always link under eye hollows to lack of sleep or aging process whej it can also be genetics? Even DOCTORS are saying this.
Will I actually age badly due to the genetic fat loss under my eyes or are they just profiting over our insecurities to make us get fillers and surgeries? Do they actually make us look older despite it being a part of our genetics?
If you're an older woman with genetic under eye hollows, how did it affect your aging process?

Hi all,
I'm feeling a bit lost and in need of some guidance. I'm a woman in my late 30s. Growing up, we were quite poor, so my main focus was on studying and finding a job to escape poverty. Unfortunately, this left me with little time or opportunity to explore hobbies or develop personal interests. Now, as an adult, I find myself spending most of my time working and mindlessly browsing social media or watching TV.
The truth is, I feel stuck. I have no clear interests outside of work, except for my occasional shopping addiction, which can hardly be considered a genuine hobby. I know I need to make a change and find something that brings me joy and fulfillment, but I'm not sure where to start.
My main concern is that I don't have the luxury of investing a significant amount of time trying out various activities. I need some advice on how to narrow down my options and discover a hobby that resonates with me. I'm open to suggestions and would love to hear your stories or tips on how you found your own hobbies as an adult.
What advice can you offer to someone like me who feels stuck and unsure of where to begin? I'm eager to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thank you in advance for your help!

I’m feeling lost and looking for advice.
31f and in an 8 year relationship with partner 32m. Over time I feel like the beauty of our relationship was that I kept falling in love with him in a new way. We have an amazing life together and I love him very much. I’m worried I’m not in love any more. I don’t feel desired by him, or maybe I don’t desire him any more.
We are halfway through selling, and buying a house.
He wants a baby and I’m not sure whether I do. I’m finding it really hard to decide with the body clock time pressure and the irreversibility of the decision. As well as it being an unintentional ultimatum or our relationship.
I don’t know whether I’m cut out for a traditional relationship. I’ve always been bi-curious but I’ve never been with a woman. Again the decision to stay and have a baby feels all or nothing.
I’m finding myself romanticising non-traditional lifestyles and people on my life who embody these lifestyles. People with less traditional relationships: polyamory, people in long distance relationships.
In the past year or two I have become more happy and independent within my relationship than I ever have been. I took time to travel independently and develop new hobbies and forms of expression. I think my partner may have been unintentionally hurt by or not immediately understanding of the solo travel but he also came round to the idea. Normally in relationships I can be quite co-dependent and feel I am losing a part of myself.
I have a history of staying in relationships too long when I know they should end. I’m a serial monogamist.
I think he can tell I’m distant and he deserves to know what’s on my mind but I can’t begin to express it when I’m not even sure what’s going on myself.
I don’t know if I’m just having a panicked response to the level of commitment bringing a child into the world requires. I know we have something precious, we’ve built a life together over the past 8 years. Or if I really want to explore these new routes and possibilities; I don’t want to live with regret and not see myself reach my full potential/expression/identity/courage.
I feel distressed by this, there’s probably things I haven’t mentioned but any advice is really welcome. Thank you
TL:DR Don’t know whether to stay in committed relationship and have a baby or leave and follow a new path exploring my independence.

My ex and I dated for about 2.5-3 years before we broke up about a month ago but were friends for years before this so there is a lot of experience and love between us. We tried opening up relationship for the past year and I just found it wasn’t for me. I feel some guilt around not being able to handle polyamory but I think thats because I also became slightly convinced during this time that all monogamy = toxic monogamy. I have a lot of cheating trauma from past relationships so, while logically I can kind of understand the benefits of poly, it emotionally just causes me distress.
I have been in therapy for a year and a half now and was trying really hard to do the work needed for me to feel safe and secure in polyamory. But at the end of the day, after a year of nervous system dysregulation, stress dreams, constant anxiety, and many fights caused by my insecurities, I had to admit that I couldnt handle it. My ex has a current blossoming relationship with at least one other woman right now and I am struggling really badly with him feeling okay enough to pursue her after all that we have lost.
We definitely werent perfect, but most of our issues could have been fixed with him also being in therapy and us slowly reconnecting after a break to focus on ourselves, but he seems certain now that monogamy isnt for him. He says its not because I wasnt enough for him but I find that hard to believe. I am sitting here grieving, missing him, in too much pain to even think about dates or sex but he feels he could handle it all right now. He says hes in pain too, and with the love we had he has to be, so part of me feels like hes only “ready to move on” so he can escape those hard feelings.
He showed me a kind of love I never thought possible for myself, we aligned on so much, had dreams of having a farm one day and seeing the world together. And now its all thrown away because he wants to be able to date multiple women at a time. He says I was the love of his life. And I want to believe that but its hard. Part of me wants to also just find someone else to distract myself with but I know thats not healthy and wouldnt make me feel good so I wont. I guess im just looking for support, anyone whos been in a similar situation, advice on letting go of a relationship where theres still love but youre just not aligned anymore. I wanted him to be it and I feel like Im getting too old to start over for some reason. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I have left out a lot of details regarding the timeline of things, how the transition to poly was handled, etc. for length purposes so if theres any questions please ask.
tldr: Boyfriend of 3 years and I had to split because he wants polyamory and I do not. Struggling with him already have potential new partners and feeling like I wasnt enough.

This all happened last summer shortly after my paternal grandmother died, and I’ve just managed to get everything in order for the judgement of internet strangers. I did my best to provide context were I could.
TL;DR: We found out we have a half sister after our grandmother died and after we were done dealing with a variety of family issues. The Half-sister contacted us against the wishes of our dad and late grandmother. Due to a variety of reasons, we made the family decision to have nothing to do with her.
So for context:
My dad emigrated from Mexico to California with his family to look for work. He and my mom were childhood sweethearts but they were not together when he left Mexico for California. This is confirmed by my parents and my uncles.
While in California, my dad met this woman and they messed around a little bit. He says it wasn’t that serious of a relationship. He was young, got drunk often and she was young and pretty. I believe my dad was in his early twenties as was this girl if my math is right. This girl was also a known flirt and slept around a lot. Naturally, she gets pregnant and claims its my dad’s. He doesn’t believe her despite her insisting its his baby so he dips.
(Based on the info from my dad, and what my sister could gather, my dad was the only one with a stable job so we think she was trying to baby trap him. I’m not trying to make excuses, my dad isnt perfect but he’s honest and loves my mom).
My dad’s family, especially his sister, did NOT like this lady at all due to the aforementioned sleeping around so she helps him get to texas. My mom had just emigrated as well and my dad wanted to be with my mom. So he leaves this girl. Baby Momma threatened with child support, or that she would abort the baby if he left which pissed my dad off. When you’re mexican and catholic, threatening an abortion is a no no. So he leaves her, meets back up with my mom, married her, and I come along. We hear nothing of them for a while and its not like the lady couldnt track him down.
Flashforward to a few years. My mom gets a call from BM’s brother where he yells at her and my dad calling him a piece of shit for leaving BM and the baby. My dad ended up taking the phone and said again, the baby isnt his, and that he wants nothing to do with them and to never contact his family again. My mom was then aware of the other girl and she was mad, but again, they weren’t together and my dad was young drunk and stupid. So they push it down, ignore it, move on and forget.
Then my grandmother died. She knew about the other girl and she believes that it is my dad’s. My grandma would travel between our house and my uncles in california where she would meet with the other girl. Everyone on my dad’s side does think she’s his daughter.
Added context that is important.
For my mom, and only my mom, my dad stopped drinking and was sober for almost 23 years. However, in 2020, being surrounded by other alcoholics and being away for days for a job, he started drinking again. My dad helps build houses and would sometimes go all the way to oklahoma Or lousiana for a job. No he didn’t cheat. His coworkers actually teased him because he called my mom so often just to talk to her. I need y’all to understand that my dad loves my mom. He would move mountains for her. He’s not a perfect person, but he was a good dad and husband. Never hit us. Never raised his voice. We destroyed his model car collection that included some expensive pieces as kids. He didn’t ell he saw we were happy and tried to hide the survivors better. He gave my mom everything.
When she found out, they fought so badly it tore them apart. My dad is also stubborn to a fault and believed he could manage it. In the end, it got bad wnough my mom let me. Have a go at him because he was not listening or doing anything. He was also stressed as my sister was in bootcamp and I was getting married. So i think drinking was just easier for him.
I tore into him that day. I cornered him and confronted him for refusing help even though we offered. I told him how much it was hurting mom and when he refused to listen, I threatened to kick him out of my wedding if he didn’t do something about his drinking. He finally did especially after we think all their bad energy attracted an evil entity. I can elaborate if asked but its not relevant. Quit cold turkey again and he and my mom talked about how they would move forward. They began going to church a lot more often, all is good. My dad is doing better emotionally and is trying to make up with my mom. We have a conversation with my mom about being more patien and communicating more.
In all of this, my mom was dealing with liver issues and the stress of all of this was not helping.
Back to the story.
My grandmother died in march of 2023. I meet my cousins through video chat bc they were in Mexico. They video the service and funeral most of which we paid for. My dad bought a beautiful coffin for her, paid for roses and the gravestone. We paid for mariachi because my grandma always wanted mariachi for her funeral. We mourn, we move on.
My halfsister contacts my dad first to try and talk to him. My dad tells her again to leave us be that we want nothing to do with her. My dad’s number is public because thats how he gets jobs. So thats how she contacted him.
So she contacts us.
No one told us about her. She knew about us because my grandma would tell her about us. But we didn’t know about her. Everyone left it up to my dad to lake that decision and he never did.
My sister and I are both contacted by this girl through facebook. The profile is new and I’d almost gotten scammed once so we’re suspicious. We play along, ask for ID, video, proof. Everything. She provides it all. BC we thought she was a scammer, we weren’t exactly nice. So we’re thinking there might be some truth. We call my dad, he denies it. Call my mom, he denies it. I have my sister call him for me again because she’s better about getting things out of him. I call an uncle that Half Sister says knows about her.
Finally, they tell us everything that y’all just read. My sister and I are reeling, but we don’t tell the other three siblings. My mom is upset wanting to know why this girl is bothering us and that she doesn’t want her bothering us. She and my dad fight and my sister and I head to them (we’d moved out). We talk to our siblings separately.
My sister and I decide we don’t want anything to do with her. She is a stranger to us, and our parents are in a good place right now. They deserve peace. Not to mention, she went against the wishes of our grandma and my mom was still dealing with her liver issues. They could not. Handle another big issue right now.
So we gather everyone. Tell my parents that my sister and I want to tell our siblings together as a family and make a decision as a family. We preemptively talked to our siblings and agreed we wanted nothing to do with her.
I would rather not get into too many details. My mom spiraled. We both have anxiety but only one of us (me) sought a therapist. She was convinced my dad would leave her and that we would hate her or turn against her. (She is not a narcissist. She has anxiety shes finally learning to manage it). I removed my mom and brought her outside to breathe while my sister talked with my dad. Both me and my dad struggle to voice what we want to say and so it was becoming a bad cycle with my mom not being fair to him. My sister helps my dad word what he wants to say. But my sister and I get a handle on the situation. When we planned this, we knew we wanted to make sure mom was good. Dad already made his opinion in the matter clear. We just also knew our mom.
My dad reaffirms that he loves my mom, and us and doesn’t want to leave her. He also tells us that its our decision if we want to talk to this girl. My siblings and us all agree that we don’t want anything to do with her. We spend some time talking, winding down, go to ihop and head home.
Where I feel bad for her:
She wanted to meet us and get to know us. My parents had five of us and we are all very close while she was an only child. So I understand where she's coming from and I have a lot of sympathy from her. She knew parts of our extended family and whatever my grandmother told her about us. You see videos online of adoptees or people who were seperated from their parents who want to reconnect with their families and they are hailed for it. Even a scroll through the comment section people praise them for the attempt and villify the family if they reject them. And I understand why she wants to meet us. We're her siblings, but I can't bring myself to.
My parents just got done dealing with my dad's relapse into drinking. My mom had forgiven him and were trying to move past it. My mom could not handle any more stress due to her liver (or maybe it was her kidneys. The doctors said she needed to watch out for her blood pressure). My sister and I knew that this would be an issue and we did our best to deal with it and act as family counselors. My parents aren't perfect, but they're good parents and raised us well and I know they love each other. They recently had a proper wedding ceremony after twenty six years. Our siblings and I are starting to finally give back to them (taking them out to eat, giving them nice gifts, replacing the model cars we destroyed years ago). We would do just about anything to make them happy.
In my eyes, our half sister (if she is blood related) went against my grandmother's wishes and only contacted us AFTER my grandmother had been dead for a few months. And then, after my dad told her not to bother us, she contacted my sister and I. I loved my grandmother. We were devastated when she died so right as we're starting to recover from that, we get with this and it pissed me off.
I understand she wants to get to know us, but I don't want anything to do with her and my siblings (even after talking with them) agreed. We don't know her. We are happy where we are right now and don't want anything that is going to ruin that. She is a stranger that is going to upend the peace that we finally have. And now, a year later, she is all but forgotten to us because to us, she really isn't anything. And its not like she's not doing well for herself. She's works as a nurse and is living her life.
So Reddit, am I the asshole (or are we the assholes) for wanting nothing to do with our half-sister who we never met and didn't know existed?

Do you have a 'job' that you hate and love at the same time? I do, I trade dumb online stuff, I don't like making it my whole personality because those bros are annoying and full of air. Also it's a ponzi, scratch that, it's a scam, scratch that, broad adoption of ít would be a universal nightmare and dystopia. However.... I do seem to be somewhat okay in it. And while I used to have to stay put in one place to work, that does not seem to be necessary now. So I could pick my shit up, go somewhere else and then just do the same soul sucking thing there. (had to filter out the actual word because it's banned on r4r)
I already spent an entire paragraph to the topic but let's stop there, it's might boring. Hi, I am 34, Dutch, and I just moved for a while to Bulgaria, then back home, now I am in Malaysia sweating my balls of. I like history, social-economic issues, cultural things, gaming, but mostly history though, that used to be my major in another life.
I am looking for a woman, girl, however you wish to name it up to my own age. But you know, not too far under it. I'd like for you to be intelligent, witty, well read (hopefully about history or at least some other social science), but don't worry about the specifics, if you think I am prince charming just dm and we can see where things go you know. What I would like to mention is that I have autism and while it's not 'extreme' it is definitely there. There will be an influence on whatever happens between us because of it and I'd rather be open about it than hide it under the carpet. I might not always understand very well what you mean, but believe me I am trying, so a little acceptance would go a long way. In my past relations it was noted by them that I did not 'act autistic', but really, I am.
Do you have a 'job' that you hate and love at the same time? I do, I trade dumb online stuff, I don't like making it my whole personality because those bros are annoying and full of air. Also it's a ponzi, scratch that, it's a scam, scratch that, broad adoption of ít would be a universal nightmare and dystopia. However.... I do seem to be somewhat okay in it. And while I used to have to stay put in one place to work, that does not seem to be necessary now. So I could pick my shit up, go somewhere else and then just do the same soul sucking thing there. (had to filter out the actual word because it's banned on r4r)
I already spent an entire paragraph to the topic but let's stop there, it's might boring. Hi, I am 34, Dutch, and I just moved for a while to Bulgaria, then back home, now I am in Malaysia sweating my balls of. I like history, social-economic issues, cultural things, gaming, but mostly history though, that used to be my major in another life.
I am looking for a woman, girl, however you wish to name it up to my own age. But you know, not too far under it. I'd like for you to be intelligent, witty, well read (hopefully about history or at least some other social science), but don't worry about the specifics, if you think I am prince charming just dm and we can see where things go you know. What I would like to mention is that I have autism and while it's not 'extreme' it is definitely there. There will be an influence on whatever happens between us because of it and I'd rather be open about it than hide it under the carpet. I might not always understand very well what you mean, but believe me I am trying, so a little acceptance would go a long way. In my past relations it was noted by them that I did not 'act autistic', but really, I am.
Hit me up if you think I sound like someone you'd drink a cup of coffee with. I do have to mention I am a little nsfw

TLDR: how do I help my brother gain control of his anger before he hurts my parents and niece.
Wow, this is going to be a long post and I’m sorry if it jumps around. ADHD is a bitch when trying to relay information. My brother (36) lives with my parents and got custody of his daughter (6) last year. Her mom has several mental illnesses and my brother took her to court when she kept bringing a registered sex offender around his daughter and would lie about it. After a LONG process he won custody, she gets weekly supervised visits for 2 hours, and that’s about it. Around the same time my brother injured his back at his job working for a furniture store. He delivered furniture to customers.
A little bit about my brother: he’s forever been a hypochondriac, has horrible anxiety, and has now developed some elements of ocd personality disorder. Cannot function (and I’m using that word loosely) without getting high on a bong rip through the day.
About my parents (65): Our dad has been an alcoholic since before we were all born, undiagnosed ADHD, and most likely narcissistic personality disorder. Mom is….just mom. No addiction to drugs or alcohol, considers herself a “good, Christian woman” and I consider her an enabler and control freak, trying to control everybody’s addictions. She’s the main caregiver of my niece now, since my brother is often too high to drive and pick her up from school daily.
The situation: last year my brother took a macrodose of psilocybin and claims he was awakened to the reality of his situation. He feels like he’s been stunted in growing into an adult by parents who are absolute narcissists (I’m confused on how TWO narcissists could be married for 40+ years), he hasn’t worked since he hurt his back and has so much anger and sadness built up that he almost daily will lash out at everyone in the house. In front of his daughter he will tell my mom she’s stupid, she’s a sh*t mom, she’s a narcissist, and asks her how she let my dad’s drinking go on for so long. As if she controls it, which every single one of her past attempts to control it have failed miserably. He refuses to seek help. I’ve heard his rants before and they’re so full of malice and contempt and his arguments not based in any reality that I perceive.
Are my parents perfect? Absolutely not. But they have been really supportive and have always been there for me when I was in a tight pinch. He claims something entirely different. That they never gave him the skills to live on his own, they pit us siblings against each other (we have an older brother who only comes around on holidays), calls them idiots and worthless, etc. All of this severely affects his daughter, who dealt with this kind of crap when still living at her mom’s house. She adores her grandma and will always seek her out for comfort instead of her dad after their arguments have ended.
My question is: how do I help this situation? Do I need to get my brother involuntarily committed for 72 hours because I’m afraid he’s going to get violent with the people he lives with? I don’t fear he’ll hurt himself, but his rants have really escalated lately and I can feel his anger radiating off of him and his words. They feel like they can’t kick him out because he has nowhere to go, no job, and has custody of his 6 year old daughter. But they’re living in absolute hell. Could they keep her with them if he was asked to leave? I’m looking for some resources to enlist in helping him help himself and seek treatment mostly. But I am worried with the escalation of dysfunction too.

Personally, gender is merely a linguistic term that’s used in place of ‘sex’. Perhaps this is due to the English word ‘sex’ referring to both the state of being male/female and also an intimate physical act involving genitals but it’s often used as a more ‘polite’ form of sex for that reason.
I don’t think gender identity exists. I reckon ‘gender identity’ is nothing more than personality but the way TRA’s tell it, it sounds more like a soul. I don’t think it’s possible to ‘know’ that you’re meant to be a woman or a man. The only way I can see someone ‘knowing’ that they’re in the ‘wrong’ body would be if a mad scientist invented a machine that could seamlessly switch the brain and nervous system of one body into another body. For example, if a mad scientist kidnapped me and switched my brain and nervous system into the body of a middle aged Chinese man then I would ‘know’ I am in the ‘wrong’ body when I wake up and look myself in the mirror because I have a mental image of my face developed over many years of looking at that face in the mirror as it’s changed with age. I know the aches and pains of my body, I know the scars and burns and how I received them. Hence I have an actual experience being in the ‘right’ body for me to be able to identify immediately what is ‘wrong’ with the body the mad scientist has put me into. A trans person doesn’t have a similar sort of reference since they’ve never been in any body other than the one they have right now. Their frame of reference is really just stereotypes of what a man or a woman is supposed to be that they then wish to embody. But this is the opposite of what we should be striving for.
Now I certainly do believe that stereotypes of the genders exist and I think a few of them are due to our evolutionary biology (women being stereotyped as nurturing is due to the effects of oestrogen on pair bonding) but I think that most social stereotypes are projected onto the sexes rather than being something that arises from anything innate. During the Victorian era in England women were barred from medicine because they were viewed as being intellectually incapable of handling the stress. Yet for the last 30 years most new medical students in England have been women. Clearly the social stereotype that was projected onto women in the Victorian era was utterly false.
This raises the question, given that the social stereotype was that medicine was a man’s profession does then mean that the Victorian women who did want to become doctors were trans and they didn’t know it? Their gender identity clearly led them to wish to do something that only victorian men could do so maybe they were actually men in women’s bodies. Clearly that’s not the case. Women were not kept out of any profession because of a ‘gender identity’, they were kept out of the profession because they had particular types of bodies and identifying as a man would have made no difference since the stereotypes were projected onto pellle based on their sex.
For my part I find gender ideology to be convoluted, dishonest, and ultimately regressive. It ends up upholding the very stereotypes it claims to want to eliminate by reducing womanhood to a set of behaviours, styles, and manners. We see the dishonesty of the gender ideology movement whenever the definition of woman comes up for debate, or when sex segregated spaces are discussed. On one hand the ideologies claim that gender and sex are completely unrelated but then constantly push to blur the two by pushing trans people into spaces that have been carved out for women on the basis of sex. They want their cake and to eat it too.
My hope is that gender ideology can be defeated through rational argumentation and I believe that the fight back has already began and is wining battles (at least in England), but this is made hard by the total refusal of trans rights activists to engage with the issues at hand often adopting a ‘no debate’ policy perhaps due to knowing their position is founded on sand.
This subreddit is an attempt to create a small space where gender critical voices can engage with those who take the opposite view or who don’t take any particular view. Join us!

You know what they say, if at first you don't succeed....... something or another (P.S. pictures of me on my profile)
Searching for the "one" isnt easy, but what can we do aye? First things first, to throw some random bits of info out there about me! (Info dump incoming 😂)
I'm 24 and biracial! Half Irish and half African/northern Indian, and I'm living in the UK!
I'm approximately 6'0"-6'1" in height and id say an average/kept build. I also have somewhat long-ish hair for a guy, going near my shoulders, it's naturally straight! I also have a well kept somewhat shorter and neat beard :) I also have very fair skin. I guess I took physically more from one side of my heritage 😂🤌 I'm also a Muslim lad! So just putting that out there too for the sake of it.
I do enjoy binging on junk food but between my high metabolism and my physically active job working as an electrician (which I'm trying to fully establish myself in) I tend to never put any weight on 🤷
So! What am I looking for? Well it's a long shot. I'd like to imagine something like the female version of myself. My other half. Someone I find attractive, kind, easy going, fun to get along with, can hold a conversation without making it feel like a one sided effort and chore. Etc!
Important note!!!
IF you are not from the UK. Be aware relocating doesn't appear to be an option for me currently 😅 so bear that in mind please. I am open to a potential long distance but again. There's that.
I guess I'm the hopeless romantic type. Fantasising about soulmates, something real, serious, natural and everything great. Is that easy to obtain these days? Bruh. HECK no 😭 but can a guy try? Well, here's to hoping I suppose. Guess only time will tell
Anyone between the ages of 20-27 is welcome! Anyone who wants to actually get to know each other and dreams about something sincere and real! (With some fun stupidity and jokes thrown in there of course, that banter is a must🗿👍)
I like a woman with a little bit of confidence ya know? Probably one of the most attractive personality traits, who can hold a conversation and engage with the other person you know? Nothing more off putting than someone who gives single worded dead replies lol
Here's a bit more about me. My hobbies! my hobbies are various. I'd argue I'm an ambivert. Though my main hobbies lean towards something a little more introverted. You have hiking and the likes as well as going out with friends and driving around at night with them, but then you also have gaming which is a huge hobby of mine!!
So yeah! There's my shot being let out. I'd say I consider myself to be an honest and open book and would like someone who is open, honest and sincere in the same way!
Oh! And my preferred platform is Snap (:
So. Here's to hoping!

The date? A week before posting this.
The year? The current one as of writing.
The mood? Kendrick Lamar inspired.
Long has this book taunted me in bookstores. I pass by the Books In English section and it taunts me. "Read me," the cover said. "You like Ancient Greece shit."
"That I do," I answer, to the confusion of the bookseller passing by. My plans of befriending her for future discounts go down the drain, as I whisper. "And yet, I know I'll hate you."
"Yes," this book answers. "But how long as it been since you felt hatred?"
"I mean I read «I want to die but I also want to eat tteokbokki» not long ago."
The book squints. I wonder how it can do that since it has no eyes.
"True hatred."
Close scene.
I feel like I should start this post by exposing the three main points of it, to all of those who read and perhaps are not interested in yet another "BookTok has to be fucking insane to have hyped this" rant:

1. I picked up this book knowing it was bad.
2. I haven't finished it yet, because it is so bad.
3. I am struggling to finish it, because it is so bad.

If you have enjoyed this book, please tell me how to at least derive fun out of it. I am struggling immensely.
My problems with it:
a) Persephone can't even classify as a Mary Sue because I genuinely do not feel like she is good at anything. I apologie for any Mary's or Sue's reading this for even associating yall's name with such a character. The character is so one dimensional that she is deserving of merely one name. To honor the incosistency in writing, I shall be inconsistent myself, and refuse to choose one. Sue is suffering from the greatest case of Mary, but in the direction of pure incompetency. Theresa so far flip-flops from cutesy, virginal goddess who's super shy and not like other girls, to a 2014 girl's interpretation of what a badass woman looks and acts like.
b) This one dimension-ness is shared by all characters so far.
c) I have stumbled upon fanfiction more eloquent and consistent in the "Crack" tag. Christ on a hike, is the writing bad.
I have not even reached one (1) page where la pieceh delah resistanceh* which are the "intimate" scenes of book but the scenes of "excitedness" from Persephone are so childishly written and baffling that I am DREADING them.
You may ask:
"Why keep reading then? Sounds like you hate it and will take nothing from it."
I shall borrow the points format from above.

1. My parents did not raise a coward (on purpose), but they did raise me stubborn.
2. I hate the idea that a grouping of words is so bad that it overpowers me like so.
3. I feel like it'll work like a vaccine and innoculate me from bad books here onwards. No more looking at the BookTok table, no matter the occasional pretty cover or much more accessible price point.

Please help. I want to finish this book. Suggestions on how to do it? Do I just gotta lock tf in? Do I pray to God? More than one, even? Do I get a glass of wine and get drunk whilst reading? Do I go to a secluded area where no humans are around for miles and simply scream as I read each word and turn each page?
Thanks in advance, and sorry for the rant.
*No corrections, please. I have no respect for the french language.

I recently read Niven's short story collection "All The Myriad Ways" - and one of the "stories" really stood out to me: Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex. It's more of an essay about the difficulties Superman would have trying to conceive a child with Lois Lane. It's absurd and hilarious. Those who have read it will know what I mean.
Can anyone recommend any other similar works that argue a ridiculous hypothetical situation - laying out arguments in a logical, but humorous way? If there are time travel elements - that's a bonus, but not necessary.

I am looking for advice, tips and tricks, tactics and techniques, suggestions, gadget recommendations, surveillance advice, contacts, information on damn near anything even mildly related, programs or software that could be helpful. Just about anything.
I have floated through many departments and a handful of units over the last decade+. The state is so afraid of getting sued or making sure the wifi is strong for the inmate’s tablets that they are putting far too little effort into combating the growing drug problem.
Let me just jot some random things down and if any of you have any input to combat these issues, even if its a long shot, i would be very grateful.
Texas prison system. Difficult to find staff that is both trustworthy as well as good at their job and has time to dedicate to do a little extra. I have enough contacts to allow me some sort of access to just about anything and everything but they will not contribute 1 penny nor will they provide assistance but they will however allow me to do whatever i want whenever i want and however i want so long as its legal and documented in the way that they have me documenting my activities.
So how would i battle:
Drones drop things into units. Black drone, lights off, pilot not in sight by the pickets, drop may be a single cell phone or a light bag of rolling tobacco or even a small amount of meth.
Road-side drops. A grocery bag that contains narcotics+contraband literally tossed out of a car while driving and at seemingly random times, likely at night. Inmates sneak out and run to the pre determined spot and then run back. Many of the units near a road can be JOGGED to and back inside within 4 minutes if they know the exact drop location. Other units take longer but it still happens.
Visitation exchanges. Girlfriends, siblings, spouses, even parents and children (typically adult children of the convicts but sometimes minors too and minors cannot be pat searched) will bring small things in. Hidden in their vagina, anus, mouth, under their breasts or stomach folds. Places that are sometimes searched on the convicts’ body but not visitors or volunteers. Oh yeah volunteers bring stuff in too.
Laced paper: K2 (Spice, synthetic marijuana), fentanyl, pcp. The dogs don’t seem to catch it but neither can I most of the time. The DEA tells me that they are having trouble combatting and even identifying consistent ingredients for K2. Lately the rumor is that they are using wasp and/or roach spray.
Cell phones and other devices. These are often smaller than a typical android or iphone and they are unregistered numbers. They are even in the units with cellular reception blocking towers. Staff cannot get a signal but the inmates are speaking freely whenever they want. Various rumors include hidden hot spots within walls or pipe chases that have a strong enough signal to allow outbound and inbound calls.
Dirty staff. This one is ridiculous and i even found out that the woman that trained me when i first started was prostituting herself to both inmates and staff. Other than this they will bring items in but so far the drops contain the largest quantity at a single time.

First time posting here, I've been having more and more vivid dreams, almost every time I sleep even if it's for a short time I dream and can remember it.. damn it I LIVE those dreams...
It all started 6 months ago when I dreamed inside of a dream and made love with a Greek goddess in the inner dream, woke up from my inner dream, she was not there but I was in the same place, and then I woke to real life. (I cut off details to make it shorter but I can remember almost everything from that dream and it happened half a year ago)
Ever since then my dreams have become extremely vivid, especially in the last 3 months, and every once in a while a woman shows up in my dreams and we kiss and make love... It is the not same physical appearance but the feeling is the same.
What is this? Why is this happening to me? I feel I am falling in love with someone/something that can only visit me in my dreams.... Anyone knows about your mind going off to places when you sleep or entities visiting??

Im a man, 29 and I’ve been with a woman 27, for 2 years.
At the beginning of dating, she went on to fuck 2 other guys, 2 guys that I knew.
She didnt let me leave her after this, she told me she was very drunk and didn’t know what she was doing. I told her that we were not a couple yet and I cant think of this working now that you have done this. But she told me while crying, screaming that she Will do anything to make me forget about this and just think about us 2. She really made me believe in it, with her.
During the 2 years we been together, she became a woman i’ve always dreamt of, I wouldve married her but the only thing that was bothering me was the incident with the guys. I couldnt accept it somehow.. which is my fault to continue with her.
I left her maybe 10 times during these 2 years, but she didn’t let me leave her. She came to my home, called me everyday with different phones, waited outside my house for hours for me to come home, chased me around the city with the car, she did all crazy things to not let me go, because she always told me that she believes we can make it because we love eachother. And its true, I love her, I really do. But it was that incident that always led me to second thoughts.
Last week, I finally decided to end it again, and she was going along with it. She didnt want to end it ofc but this time it had gone too many times that I ended it and I guess she had enouugh to fight like she has always done, but she told me that we shouldnt end it anyways but I did.
3 days pass, during these 3 days, I’ve gotten ’lonely-time’ to think, to evaluate what I REALLY want. And I decided that I dont want to be bothered by that incident anymore. I rather live with her, and have a good life now on as grown ups, get married and have kids, the forever that she always wanted,(she even tattooed my name on her back).
I let her know that I think its a mistake by me, that its time to move on together, let us get serious, get engaged, have kids and live Together and have the best life. No more bad vibes.
And during these 3 days, she totally has switched. She is copying every word I’ve been saying to her during all those times I left her. She is extremely ready to leave me, doesnt want me to contact her or anything and now the tables turned. She told me she’d never block me, but she did still. So now I cant get to her.
Just me saying that I want to get engaged, have kids and all that, I thought that she would be so happy, because thats all she wanted, and has been doing all crazy stuff for this to happen. And i finally do it.. I tell her lets do it, I’m letting that incident go. My love for her is bigger than that, I figured.
Now the problem is, I called her last friday, and she make it clear that she does not want to get back to me, like really really never. And i accept it. But she called me the morning after asking what i’m doing, I told her im going to visit a friend to clear my mind. And then she gets super angry, telling me I should be home, fighting for her, trying to get her back, but instead im going to ”Fuck hoes” with my friend. I told her that I can send a picture of every step I take but her reply was ”dont dare sending me anything” so I didnt.
She later writes a book to me blaming me for not caring at all about her, not sending picture or anything. Tells me ”even if I say dont send, you shouldve sent me pictures”
Thing is now, she fought for me everytime I left her; now the tables have turned. I told her that I want to fight like she did, but I dont want to get called on the police or anything, because she was literally doing a lot of stupid shit to get to me when I rejected her.
I want to fight for her, do the things she did to keep me, is that the right thing to do? I refer to her words ” even If I tell u not to send pictures, you should” im very scared she Will hurt me more if I do this… Should I fight or should I Wait to see if she changed her mind?
PS. Please bare in mind that I rejected her 10 times, so thats why I feel that I owe her a ”chasing” to make this work.
Appreciate all the comments.

The title, essentially. Apologies for the upcoming 'vent' but I am so tired and so frustrated of feeling like this.
My whole life has been dominated by infatuations for people I can't have. They always seem to be people of a higher social standing, people who are more popular, more well-liked, or whatever.
I have identified as straight my whole life (32F) until I met a woman at work who I have fallen madly in love with. She's married to a man and has children and is also a coworker so a no-go area. She doesn't know I feel this way and she never will know.
This new episode has all the hallmarks of previous limerent episodes except this one has a new intensely sexual component to it (my other limerent episodes for males were not sexual in nature) and it's the strongest I have ever felt about anyone so far. So not only am I experiencing limerence once again, but it has also made me question my sexuality, so I am contending with that also.
I can't stop thinking about her and it's just completely eating away at me now. I have no reason to believe she's into women; she is married to a man and I am just going to take that at face value, nor would I ever want to pursue any sort of relationship even if there was some reciprocation (which is highly unlikely). She acts fairly aloof and distant from me and remains professional at all times so I don't even understand why I feel so strongly about her - and I also don't understand why I have suddenly developed these feelings for a woman. It caught me out the blue.
I really do feel like a complete loser. She's 'higher up' than me in terms of work and I feel so inadequate, so inferior all the time now. She has a completely fulfilling life and yet I barely do anything with mine.
I have had two 'long-term' relationships with people who were nice but I only felt half-hearted about. I feel like this is how it's always going to be.
Apologies for the not-so-nice post but I feel like people here would empathise. I can handle intensely strong feelings for someone; it's the complete feeling inadequate/feeling utterly inferior by comparison that I can't come to terms with. I also feel like I'll never be truly 'happy' and will only ever settle for people I'm only half-arsed about, because the people who stoke these magical feelings never reciprocate.
I know the answer is that there is something missing from my life that needs working on, but I am at a loss as to what to do.

So, I( F30 ) am married to my husband (M27) and he has 1 sister F(25) that lives with her parents.She is healthy and capable of working but she always have excuses not to work, and moves in and out of her boyfriend's, the reason being is due to him not making enough to support her at times.i know and understand this is not my bussines but It becomes my business when she keeps asking my husband for money every week for her personal use like perfumes, clothes, hair products,stuff like that.Specially because my mother in law and father in law gives her an allowance.plus she has wreked 2 cars that her parents bought for her(the recent one being 3 months ago). My husband and I have 2 kids. I work full time and going to school. So the issue becomes when she comes to my house she only wants to use my master bathroom to shower and do her business, and my room to chill and relax I had told my husband to let her know she has the guess room to chill and the bathroom in the hallway to use, he don't see an issue with her being in our room while we are all in the living room or using our bathroom when we have the one on the hallway that my kids use. I told him it's an issue for me anyways, we were discussing with my inlaws that we might move to another state and my sister inlaw said she will need her own bathroom when she moves in with us, I looked at my husband he just said well maybe in the future you can. I told him infront of her she will not be moving with us and she said why was I being an jerk to her and I said because I will not have a grown woman that is capable of working living free in our house. She said I have to adapt to it since I married her brother I told her I don't have to adapt to anything and stormed out. My husband said I was being to harsh on her and my inlawas are calling me and texting me telling me inconsiderate I am trying to decide their family. I don't think I did nothing wrong but it has me thinking. AITAH?

I first found out about my mother's infidelity when I was around 8 years old, and it has never left my mind since. At that age, I didn't own a phone, so I always borrowed my mother's. One day, out of curiosity, I explored her phone and found a conversation with someone who wasn't my father. They referred to each other as "by." As a kid still navigating the world, I was confused about why my mother was calling that guy "by." Innocently, I let it slide.
As I grew older and started understanding the world better, I recalled that conversation and realized my mother was cheating on my father. At that moment, I felt disappointed, mad, and betrayed. Yet, I didn't tell a single soul—not even my mother. I couldn't face her to ask why she had done that. I was angry and scared that our family might get ruined if I told on her. So, I let it slide once again.
When I entered high school, I started checking her phone again. She let me borrow it, thinking no one knew about her infidelity. I went through her messages and found out she was still in touch with the same guy she called "by" when I was 8. Initially, I thought it was a different guy, but I connected the dots and realized it was the same person. It felt like my heart was pierced when I read their intimate conversations. Seeing how comfortably she talked with him, how they exchanged jokes, and how they told each other "I love you" pained me deeply. I was outraged and asked myself, "How can she do this to us? To my father? To our family?" But I couldn't confront her. I didn't have the courage. I was still afraid of our family falling apart and the possibility of my siblings and me having to choose whom to live with. So, I blocked the guy from my mother's contacts without her knowing. Surprisingly, they stopped communicating at that time. I hadn't found any more inappropriate conversations, and I felt a sense of relief. I felt I had finally taken action and saved our family.
Years passed, and then the pandemic came. They did not have any contact at all—at least, that's what I thought. I couldn't trust my mother after all.
Ten years have passed since I first discovered my mother's infidelity, and as an 18-year-old woman who no longer trusts my mother, I once again checked her phone. As I opened her messenger app, I trembled, and all my fears started resurfacing. I found a strange old lady's name with the guy's surname at the top of her messages. I clicked it. It was his mother's account, but it was him—the same guy from 10 years ago. The same guy my mother has been cheating with all over again. I read their conversations. He reached out to my mother first, and I was right; they had stopped communicating for years. But that doesn't really matter now that they're at it again. The guy said something, and my mother replied, "I actually don't know why I replied to you. I could've made a different choice and blocked you instead, but I didn't." I crumbled. I blamed myself for why it continued, but I also couldn't keep myself from hating my mother all over again.
I think it started just recently because I always check my mother's phone and found nothing until that recent moment. It became my habit to check my mom's phone while she slept and read their nasty conversations. Well, the guy's nasty messages to my mother—she unsent her messages after he saw them, so I really don't know what her responses were. I despised her more. She seems to be doing well with my father while also having an affair. My poor, clueless father. I really want to tell him. I badly, badly, badly want to confront my mother. But I don't want to have a broken family. I hate myself just as much as I hate my mother and the guy she's having an affair with. I don't know what to do.

Hello, I’m a high school student who’s about to graduate. And as an individual who worries about where our society is headed in terms of the LGBTQ community and all the other stuff like identifying as an animal or object whatsoever. I have an opinion that I haven’t seen anyone talk about, but if there has been, forgive me for not mentioning it because I simply don’t know if it has been discussed before.
As part of my beliefs and personal opinion I think that these people are mentally ill, not in a disrespectful way but in a worried way. Let’s leave the part where a man loves a man and a woman loves a woman, the trans people and the rest out of this for now, that’s a whole different discussion. I want to focus more on the people who like to identify as animals and objects or whatever.
How can a human with a full operating human brain think that this is normal. Seriously, is this how we plan to advance as a society ?! By accepting these kind of horrible ideologies of some individuals that got bored during the pandemic and decided to ruin the nature of humanity ?!?
I like to also add, if these people want to act that way, identifying as whatever they want, we might as well start treating them like what they want to be. For example, If a woman or a man who are mentally stable wants to identify as a COW, then HUMAN RIGHTS should not apply to them.
Being a human is a privilege that you are willing to give up to become an animal or an object. Why would I still treat you like a human if you don’t even want to be a human.
It makes me sick how we have even got to this point. I feel like even with all the advancements we have made to make our daily lives easier, US as a whole population have lost the nature of our creation and the reason to it.
I am making this statement as a worried individual of the present and future, one day I’ll have kids and I don’t want to have them to witness this outracious behavior. I am also deeply concerned about the educational system and how so many schools have been influencing our generation and the younger generations to think that this is the norm of our society.
The country I live in and the schools in it have never indulged in such behavior, but I’m speaking on behalf of the rest of the students around the world and I’m sure there are many parents who agree with me on this. I do not wish to have my kids educated in such a disgusting environment where even the educational staff, who we are trusting to raise our kids and teach them knowledge, support this ideology. I also blame the governments around the world, BIG TIME, for allowing such behavior in our society with no consequences. As leaders of large nations they should be held accountable for allowing this.
I’ll stop here for now, although I still have many things to say. But I feel like this is long and so many people might not have even reached this point, but to the people who have. As young adults who are the future of our nation, pleas do not take this matter lightly. It is a very serious issue that should be addressed and resolved, so that the nature of humanity could go back to being natural and normal.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. I do not wish for any unpleasant and unnecessary comments, this is simply an opinion that I wanted to share with people out there who might agree with me, if you do not agree just keep scrolling.

Trying to figure out personality differences
So I’m coming here for some advice, needing guidance how to navigate personality differences between myself and the person I’m seeing.
Background: I (30M) am a very strong personality, I give off a middle chair vibe (for all my Curb fans out there). I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m very outgoing. My entire vibe is to be around people, be with people, just social butterfly kinda deal. Most of the people around me (including my ex wife who is still very much in my life, long story but it’s kosher) also fit more into the introverted extrovert vibe than anything else.
The person (29W) I’m seeing is very much not. She’s generally pretty guarded, keeps to herself, doesn’t seem to really wanna open up usually. With me, she definitely lets more out. I’ve caught glimpses of her more “honest self” seemingly leaking out.
My ex when we got together was very much a sheltered person but through what we had and her own personal work grew into a very confident self assured strong personality person. So I’ve seen people change from weak to strong before.
My concern is I don’t want this relationship to be driven by me. I don’t want to feel like I’m pulling the cart alone so to speak. I know that just by the nature of me being me the interests we take together will be more of mine, that’s an inevitability for a number of reasons. What I want though is a give and take, learning her interests, her opinions, really try to understand her vibe, what her goals are, etc.
I’ve shared this with her but I’m worried about that gap in personalities. So I would love some advice from those either in my shoes or hers about what to do to bridge that gap and overcome this potential incompatibility.
I also am very very attracted to confidence. To a woman who knows what she wants, what she feels, being very in tune with herself. I need someone strong enough to rein me in (to a healthy degree, the self regulation ownness is on me ultimately). She doesn’t exhibit anything yet that makes me believe she will have those traits. But again as I said, maybe she just has never had the opportunity or environment to exhibit those traits. I don’t know.
TL:DR- I’m a very strong extrovert personality seeing someone much more guarded, introverted, and seemingly holding a softer personality. I don’t want to domineer in the budding relationship but I also don’t know if our personalities can mesh.
Any and all advice welcome!

I'm a late 30s woman who has always had trying relationships with my immediate family. I have one sibling (an older sister) and my mom and dad are still married. My father is an alcoholic who was absent from most family matters and has been physically abusive to my mom. My mom suffers with major codependency issues, anorexia, and her own substance abuse problems. My sister demonstrates a lot of borderline personality disorder characteristics but has never been diagnosed. She has also physically and psychologically abused me. I went no contact with my sister 10 years ago because I could no longer tolerate being bullied and threatened by her. Since I've been an adult, I've done my best to put physical distance between myself and my family. But in my late 20s, my mom tried to re-enter my life and as her daughter and someone who admittedly still desperately wanted her love, I let her back in. A mistake.
My mom would torment me as a child, often going months without speaking to me if I did something she didn't like or if I wasn't able to predict what she wanted without her telling me. I would literally ask her a question and watch her pick her things up and leave the room to avoid talking to me. I watched her suffer at the hands of my dad but take her rage out on my sister and me, with either this kind of silent treatment or verbal abuse. The worst was when she and my sister would gang up on me and invent things to ostracize me with, like that I was on drugs (when I was literally 11 and in their presence all the time, like, what drugs could I have been doing, lol) or that I was a "tramp" (again, 11). They called me helpless, weak, stupid, slow, etc. and destroyed my self esteem at an already difficult age. My sister would make screen names on AIM (the 90s lol) and talk to my classmates to repeat this weird shit to them, too. When I caught her and confronted my family with this information, they told me it was my fault and I was punished. I learned I couldn't trust them, which hurt so badly and made me feel hopeless. I've struggled with depression since, but as an adult I prioritized my mental health and did a lot of really difficult work to make myself into a person I'm proud of now.
My mom and dad made a major scene at my college graduation fighting with each other so I don't even really remember it. I just knew it was finally my time to get away once and for all. I got a great job in NYC in my field and was making plans to move there when my mom confronted me. She told me I was a loser, that I broke my father's heart when I went to college far away (news to me, he almost never talked to me), and that she would see me in six months when I failed. I ended up staying there for over 10 years building a career with a lot of effort. I even saved up enough money to put a down payment on an apartment with, which my dad came through and helped me with financially too. I still own the apartment even though I've since relocated and got married (more on that soon).
My mom worked her way back into my life in my late 20s by telling me that she was going to file for divorce and was getting her own place. Even though we hadn't resolved our issues, I was so happy that she was making positive choices that I let those things go and did my best to help her. She went about it in a very odd way, which was to move out, not tell my father or sister where she was going or why, and to make me the only person who knew what was going on. She also has a large immediate family and they didn't know what was happening either. So I felt a huge responsibility to help her as I was the only one she was trusting with this new plan for her life. And by the way, in the months when she was "missing" like this, my dad never asked once where she was to me or my sister. Or my mom! He just carried his life on as usual. Bizarre.
But soon her plans became less important than her being able to complain to me about my dad and all of their many problems. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard as a child, but it still had the power to make me feel pity for her and want to help her. I visited frequently from NYC, made us plans to do fun things together, and showed her some of the books that helped me work through depression and my own relationship issues. And then suddenly one day, she announced that she was moving back in with him. I was disappointed but I also know it takes a lot of tries to truly separate from an abusive relationship so I didn't give up on her. She moved out another time -- same story, another vanishing act that only I knew about -- only to return home after a few months with no explanation to me. I want to say this cycle repeated at least three times but I genuinely lost track.
I found a partner who treated me with love, kindness and respect and we dated for about four years before I made the decision to relocate with him to the west coast. We recently got married and it was the best choice I ever made. We're celebrating our one year anniversary soon and things are truly only getting better. I feel like I hit the jackpot. The only thing is, it's made things even worse in my family somehow. I asked my parents if they'd like to participate in our wedding and my dad seemed interested, but my mom withdrew again and started a new disappearing act. She was living with my dad again and suddenly I was public enemy number 1. I asked if she'd like to meet my partner and she declined. I asked her if she'd like to visit and she declined, angrily saying that where I was living was unsafe (literally the suburbs lol) and that she wouldn't set foot there. And she later told me she'd "catch up with me at a later time" if I did decide to get married. That was so, so painful. I knew we were at another crossroads, like we were when I initially moved to NYC, and that she hadn't learned or changed at all in all of those 20 years. And of course, when I sent her an announcement saying that we did get married, she had another opportunity to be a victim and say she was hurt to be excluded, even though she said she didn't want to hear about it. I later flew to our home state to see my grandmother, but she had my dad make up a story that she was too under the weather for a visit (which I found out later through an aunt was a lie).
It's also worth noting that when my sister got engaged, she went and hid in the shower for about 4 hours rather than coming down and congratulating her. So there's that.
I decided to preserve my sanity and protect my new family by having a small ceremony on the west coast. I was so insanely blessed to have very good friends who I've been close to for years come and support me, and his family was amazing too. It was so painful to be asked where my family was, but it was also something I realized I had been explaining away my whole life. Something in my brain clicked that day.
It's always been more important to my mom to be a victim of life than to take any responsibility in her own choices. My dad is no angel and I don't exactly have sympathy for him, but he's been showing her who he is their entire relationship and she will not stop believing he's actually different. I don't know why he won't leave her, but he has also never made this my problem. She will not do anything to help herself. My mom has outsourced her happiness to me and my sister, pushing us to always be the best, get into the best schools, be the most successful, always moving the goal posts, etc. but when we actually achieved those things she would talk shit on us (in front of us) to anyone who would listen. And then she tried making it my responsibility to help her when she wanted out. She made her relationship with a man who doesn't like her our problem for our entire lives. It robbed us of space for so many things, including support for my sister whose BPD I can't help but see as rooted in our tumultuous environment. Because my sister only sees the world in black and white terms, she sees me as trying to destroy our family by being supportive to our mom in her choice to separate. And my relationships with extended family are almost nonexistent because no one else can find a way to deal with my mom -- when she even deigns to answer the phone for them -- and it makes them feel awkward around us.
And so I'm really looking at myself and the times I've chosen to abdicate responsibility in favor of being "the victim." It's hard work, and I've spent a lot (a LOT) of time and money in therapy trying to sort myself out. It wasn't fair to be put in a situation as a child where my physical, emotional, and psychological wellbeing were constantly jeopardized. It wasn't fair that she encouraged my sister to bully me. And it's definitely not fair to feel rejected by her again because I married a man who actually likes me. I wrestled with a lot through the years with the violence between my mom and dad, always feeling like I could fix it, I had to fix it, as a child, a young woman, an adult. And this spilled over into my adult life as becoming a people pleaser, a fixer, etc. But the truth is they were the adults. They had many, many people in their lives they could reach out to for help. But they made their health and happiness their childrens' responsibility. A lot of my friends have kids now, and I look at these little kids and realize exactly how ridiculous it was to bully a child, your own child, plus expect them to solve all your own problems. I never want to put my "happiness" on anyone else in such a suffocating way. I can see where their putdowns on me as a kid were total projection now -- that I was selfish, useless, worthless, etc. -- because that's how they truly felt about themselves. Pathetic.
Mother's Day brought a lot of these feelings up for me and I feel like I'm moving in the right direction, but I still needed to get this off my chest somewhere anonymously to just feel like I was releasing it.
The last time I talked to my mom she was asking if she could move into my NYC apartment. You know, in the place where she said I'd fail in six months?
I said no.