I am not sure if I want to solve this issue actually, I just want to vent.
iX, what do you think yourself when you print out this error message to a "customer"?
I mean your installation of Kubernetes on a single host is crap and using helm charts that utterly break in an atomic chain reaction that way doesnt make it trustworthy. I am on the way to migrate nextcloud away again from TrueNAS to a docker host and just use TrueNAS as storage.
I dont care about sensible data down there, at the time of posting, this system isnt running anymore. Sorry if I annoy somebody.
[EFAULT] Failed to upgrade App: WARNING: Kubernetes configuration file is group-readable. This is insecure. Location: /etc/ranchek3s/k3s.yaml Error: UPGRADE FAILED: execution error at (nextcloud/templates/common.yaml:38:4): Chart - Values contain an error that may be a result of merging. Values containing the error: Error: 'error converting YAML to JSON: yaml: invalid leading UTF-8 octet' TZ: UTC bashImage: pullPolicy: IfNotPresent repository: bash tag: 4.4.23 configmap: nextcloud-config: data: limitrequestbody.conf: LimitRequestBody 3221225472 occ: - #!/bin/bash uid="$(id -u)" gid="$(id -g)" if [ "$uid" = '0' ]; then user='www-data' group='www-data' else user="$uid" group="$gid" fi run_as() { if [ "$(id -u)" = 0 ]; then su -p "$user" -s /bin/bash -c 'php /vawww/html/occ "$@"' - "$@" else /bin/bash -c 'php /vawww/html/occ "$@"' - "$@" fi } run_as "$@" opcache.ini: opcache.memory_consumption=128 php.ini: max_execution_time=30 enabled: true nginx: data: nginx.conf: - events {} http { server { listen 9002 ssl http2; listen [::]:9002 ssl http2; # Redirect HTTP to HTTPS error_page 497 301 =307 https://$host$request_uri; ssl_certificate '/etc/nginx-certs/public.crt'; ssl_certificate_key '/etc/nginx-certs/private.key'; client_max_body_size 3G; add_header Strict-Transport-Security "max-age=15552000; includeSubDomains; preload" always; location = /robots.txt { allow all; log_not_found off; access_log off; } location = /.well-known/carddav { return 301 $scheme://$host/remote.php/dav; } location = /.well-known/caldav { return 301 $scheme://$host/remote.php/dav; } location / { proxy_pass http://nextcloud:80; proxy_http_version 1.1; proxy_cache_bypass $http_upgrade; proxy_request_buffering off; # Proxy headers proxy_set_header Upgrade $http_upgrade; proxy_set_header Connection "upgrade"; proxy_set_header Host $http_host; proxy_set_header X-Real-IP $remote_addr; proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-For $proxy_add_x_forwarded_for; proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-Proto https; proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-Host $host; proxy_set_header X-Forwarded-Port 443; # Proxy timeouts proxy_connect_timeout 60s; proxy_send_timeout 60s; proxy_read_timeout 60s; } } } enabled: true fallbackDefaults: accessModes: - ReadWriteOnce persistenceType: emptyDir probeTimeouts: liveness: failureThreshold: 5 initialDelaySeconds: 10 periodSeconds: 10 successThreshold: 1 timeoutSeconds: 5 readiness: failureThreshold: 5 initialDelaySeconds: 10 periodSeconds: 10 successThreshold: 2 timeoutSeconds: 5 startup: failureThreshold: 60 initialDelaySeconds: 10 periodSeconds: 5 successThreshold: 1 timeoutSeconds: 2 probeType: http pvcRetain: false pvcSize: 1Gi serviceProtocol: tcp serviceType: ClusterIP storageClass: "" global: annotations: {} ixChartContext: addNvidiaRuntimeClass: false hasNFSCSI: true hasSMBCSI: true isInstall: false isStopped: false isUpdate: false isUpgrade: true kubernetes_config: cluster_cidr: 172.16.0.0/16 cluster_dns_ip: 172.17.0.10 service_cidr: 172.17.0.0/16 nfsProvisioner: nfs.csi.k8s.io nvidiaRuntimeClassName: nvidia operation: UPGRADE smbProvisioner: smb.csi.k8s.io storageClassName: ix-storage-class-nextcloud upgradeMetadata: newChartVersion: 2.0.5 oldChartVersion: 1.6.61 preUpgradeRevision: 89 labels: {} minNodePort: 9000 image: pullPolicy: IfNotPresent repository: nextcloud tag: 29.0.0 imagePullSecret: [] ixCertificateAuthorities: {} ixCertificates: "1": CA_type_existing: false CA_type_intermediate: false CA_type_internal: false CSR: null DN: /C=US/O=iXsystems/CN=localhost/emailAddress=info@ixsystems.com/ST=Tennessee/L=Maryville/subjectAltName=DNS:localhost can_be_revoked: false cert_type: CERTIFICATE cert_type_CSR: false cert_type_existing: true cert_type_internal: false certificate: -----BEGIN CERTIFICATE----- MIIDrTCCApWgAwIBAgIEHHHd+zANBgkqhkiG9w0BAQsFADCBgDELMAkGA1UEBhMC VVMxEjAQBgNVBAoMCWlYc3lzdGVtczESMBAGA1UEAwwJbG9jYWxob3N0MSEwHwYJ KoZIhvcNAQkBFhJpbmZvQGl4c3lzdGVtcy5jb20xEjAQBgNVBAgMCVRlbm5lc3Nl ZTESMBAGA1UEBwwJTWFyeXZpbGxlMB4XDTIzMTIxNjA3MDUwOVoXDTI1MDExNjA3 MDUwOVowgYAxCzAJBgNVBAYTAlVTMRIwEAYDVQQKDAlpWHN5c3RlbXMxEjAQBgNV BAMMCWxvY2FsaG9zdDEhMB8GCSqGSIb3DQEJARYSaW5mb0BpeHN5c3RlbXMuY29t MRIwEAYDVQQIDAlUZW5uZXNzZWUxEjAQBgNVBAcMCU1hcnl2aWxsZTCCASIwDQYJ KoZIhvcNAQEBBQADggEPADCCAQoCggEBAKPRN3n5ngKFrHQ12gKCmLEN85If6B3E KEo4nvTkTIWLzXZcTGxlJ9kGr9bt0V8cvEInZnOCnyY74lzKlMhZv1R58nfBmz5a gpV6scHXZVghGhGsjtP7/H4PRMUbzM9MawET8+Au8grjAodUkz6Jskcwhgg9EVS5 UQPTDkxXJYFRUN1XhJOR4tqsrHFrI25oUF6Gms9Wp1aq0mJXh+FIGAyELqpdk/Q8 N1Rjn3t4m2Ub+OPmBLwHOncIqz2PHVgL574bT/q+Lc3Mi/gQsfNi6VN7UkNTQ5Q2 uOhrcw4gtjn41v0j7k9CsUvPK8zfCizQHgBx6Ih33Z850pHUQyNuwjECAwEAAaMt MCswFAYDVR0RBA0wC4IJbG9jYWxob3N0MBMGA1UdJQQMMAoGCCsGAQUFBwMBMA0G CSqGSIb3DQEBCwUAA4IBAQAQG2KsF6ki8dooaaM+32APHJp38LEmLNIMdnIlCHPw RnQ+4I8ssEPKk3czIzOlOe6R3V71GWg1JlGEuUD6M3rPbzSfWzv0kdji/qgzUId1 oh9vEao+ndPijYpDi6CUcBADuzilcygSBl05j6RlS2Uv8+tNIjxTKrDegyaEtC3W RoVqON0vhDSKJ3OsOKR2g5uFfs/uHxBvskkChdGn/1aRz+DdHCYVOEavnQylXPBk xzWQDVt6+6mAhejGGkkGsIG1QY7pFpQPA9UWeY/C/3/QdSl01GgfpyWNsfE+Wu1b IS3wxfWfuiMiDbUElqjDqiy623peeVFXrWlTV4G4yBG/ -----END CERTIFICATE----- certificate_path: /etc/certificates/truenas_default.crt chain: false chain_list: - -----BEGIN CERTIFICATE----- MIIDrTCCApWgAwIBAgIEHHHd+zANBgkqhkiG9w0BAQsFADCBgDELMAkGA1UEBhMC VVMxEjAQBgNVBAoMCWlYc3lzdGVtczESMBAGA1UEAwwJbG9jYWxob3N0MSEwHwYJ KoZIhvcNAQkBFhJpbmZvQGl4c3lzdGVtcy5jb20xEjAQBgNVBAgMCVRlbm5lc3Nl ZTESMBAGA1UEBwwJTWFyeXZpbGxlMB4XDTIzMTIxNjA3MDUwOVoXDTI1MDExNjA3 MDUwOVowgYAxCzAJBgNVBAYTAlVTMRIwEAYDVQQKDAlpWHN5c3RlbXMxEjAQBgNV BAMMCWxvY2FsaG9zdDEhMB8GCSqGSIb3DQEJARYSaW5mb0BpeHN5c3RlbXMuY29t MRIwEAYDVQQIDAlUZW5uZXNzZWUxEjAQBgNVBAcMCU1hcnl2aWxsZTCCASIwDQYJ KoZIhvcNAQEBBQADggEPADCCAQoCggEBAKPRN3n5ngKFrHQ12gKCmLEN85If6B3E KEo4nvTkTIWLzXZcTGxlJ9kGr9bt0V8cvEInZnOCnyY74lzKlMhZv1R58nfBmz5a gpV6scHXZVghGhGsjtP7/H4PRMUbzM9MawET8+Au8grjAodUkz6Jskcwhgg9EVS5 UQPTDkxXJYFRUN1XhJOR4tqsrHFrI25oUF6Gms9Wp1aq0mJXh+FIGAyELqpdk/Q8 N1Rjn3t4m2Ub+OPmBLwHOncIqz2PHVgL574bT/q+Lc3Mi/gQsfNi6VN7UkNTQ5Q2 uOhrcw4gtjn41v0j7k9CsUvPK8zfCizQHgBx6Ih33Z850pHUQyNuwjECAwEAAaMt MCswFAYDVR0RBA0wC4IJbG9jYWxob3N0MBMGA1UdJQQMMAoGCCsGAQUFBwMBMA0G CSqGSIb3DQEBCwUAA4IBAQAQG2KsF6ki8dooaaM+32APHJp38LEmLNIMdnIlCHPw RnQ+4I8ssEPKk3czIzOlOe6R3V71GWg1JlGEuUD6M3rPbzSfWzv0kdji/qgzUId1 oh9vEao+ndPijYpDi6CUcBADuzilcygSBl05j6RlS2Uv8+tNIjxTKrDegyaEtC3W RoVqON0vhDSKJ3OsOKR2g5uFfs/uHxBvskkChdGn/1aRz+DdHCYVOEavnQylXPBk xzWQDVt6+6mAhejGGkkGsIG1QY7pFpQPA9UWeY/C/3/QdSl01GgfpyWNsfE+Wu1b IS3wxfWfuiMiDbUElqjDqiy623peeVFXrWlTV4G4yBG/ -----END CERTIFICATE----- city: Maryville common: localhost country: US csr_path: /etc/certificates/truenas_default.csr digest_algorithm: SHA256 email: info@ixsystems.com expired: false extensions: ExtendedKeyUsage: TLS Web Server Authentication SubjectAltName: DNS:localhost fingerprint: 8E:68:9D:0A:7D:A6:41:11:59:B0:0C:01:8C:AC:C4:F4:DB:F9:6B:2C from: Sat Dec 16 08:05:09 2023 id: 1 internal: "NO" issuer: external key_length: 2048 key_type: RSA lifetime: 397 name: truenas_default organization: iXsystems organizational_unit: null parsed: true privatekey: -----BEGIN PRIVATE KEY----- MIIEvQIBADANBgkqhkiG9w0BAQEFAASCBKcwggSjAgEAAoIBAQCj0Td5+Z4Chax0 NdoCgpixDfOSH+gdxChKOJ705EyFi812XExsZSfZBq/W7dFfHLxCJ2Zzgp8mO+Jc ypTIWb9UefJ3wZs+WoKVerHB12VYIRoRrI7T+/x+D0TFG8zPTGsBE/PgLvIK4wKH VJM+ibJHMIYIPRFUuVED0w5MVyWBUVDdV4STkeLarKxxayNuaFBehprPVqdWqtJi V4fhSBgMhC6qXZP0PDdUY597eJtlG/jj5gS8Bzp3CKs9jx1YC+e+G0/6vi3NzIv4 ELHzYulTe1JDU0OUNrjoa3MOILY5+Nb9I+5PQrFLzyvM3wos0B4AceiId92fOdKR 1EMjbsIxAgMBAAECggEAS/Su51RxCjRWwM9TVUSebcHNRNyccGjKUZetRFkyjd1D l/S1zrCcaElscJh2MsaNF5NTMo3HIyAzFdksYTUTvKSKYzKWu7OVxp9MGle3+sPm ZXmABBRbf0uvFEGOljOVjbtloXXC7n9RZdQ2LZIE4nNCQkGmboU6Zi6O+6CQmEOQ 9iyYJ8NyXtjDT2sVOpysAj3ga6tdtSosG7SQuo41t20mw6hbl08LhQP9LfZJyKCR 0x1cYny+XHifB6JQAt8crzHYpKaJc2tZd4dXJ1xDnm2Aa/Au5uEA01P/L3hf41sI cUmBhVf1z5m9yBsyaZnW6LzaR5tQwpnPWPEcNfuwLQKBgQDM1o8vwKCo435shpGE zCdqbvK4+J0XYmbgEwHId8xr9rzZ852lAhs6VO2WQQVMGUoWRaH44B3z1Jv9N5Qa 4RUwnTb1MERfzEjRwUuIWjtz34yAXko0iU3M0FYpIxDuKVJNOEO1Doey0lTUcIYQ sfRUVxxJZ3hpDo7RhPSZpwyBtwKBgQDMu8PFVQ5XRb90qaGqg+ACaXMfHXfuWzuJ UqgyNrvF6wqd9Z0Nn299m7EonE6qJftUqlqHC62OCBfqRBNkwOw40s7ORZvqUCkP 7WsWuJu4HqhS2we8yKRuqj520VP537ZeqnK64mDxDKBvL9ttCujbxy01WFWcdwkO sSAViAK7VwKBgQCAeNG1kYsyYfyY9I2wTJssFgoGGWftkroTL9iecwSzcj1gNXta Usfg/gNFieJYqEPfVC0Sev5OP7rWRlWNxj4UD4a4oV1A+E9zv1gwXOeM9ViZ6omA Cd3R55kik+u6dBA6fl9433Qco+6wjyKGthYYD8qd/1d2DLtmjY0cEbm2YQKBgH4/ Zuifm5lLhFVPaUa5zYAPQJM2W8da8OqsUtWsFLxmRQTE+ZT19Q1S3br6MDQR+drq tapDFEHaUcz/L6pYoRIlRKvEFvI1fiy5Lekz66ptFUUKlcnfPC6VwrEIQi16u33C w77ka/0Y2THXJAsoyBEG0KTtlNVIPgiWRv+gAHc/AoGATOlO6ZVhf0vWPIKBhajM ijWTNIX/iCNOheJEjLEPksG4LVpU16OphZL2m0nIyOryQ0Fmt7GHUfl3CXFhTH/P G47PzH+mLCQLp5TUIeNRQWScWNGGsf9J+MtwpxHMzUymDJySR4aot0bH3fge0MO1 QccFxNbLODRmJuYbSQB1HZQ= -----END PRIVATE KEY----- privatekey_path: /etc/certificates/truenas_default.key revoked: false revoked_date: null root_path: /etc/certificates san: - DNS:localhost serial: 477224443 signedby: null state: Tennessee subject_name_hash: 3193428416 type: 8 until: Thu Jan 16 08:05:09 2025 ixChartContext: addNvidiaRuntimeClass: false hasNFSCSI: true hasSMBCSI: true isInstall: false isStopped: false isUpdate: false isUpgrade: true kubernetes_config: cluster_cidr: 172.16.0.0/16 cluster_dns_ip: 172.17.0.10 service_cidr: 172.17.0.0/16 nfsProvisioner: nfs.csi.k8s.io nvidiaRuntimeClassName: nvidia operation: UPGRADE smbProvisioner: smb.csi.k8s.io storageClassName: ix-storage-class-nextcloud upgradeMetadata: newChartVersion: 2.0.5 oldChartVersion: 1.6.61 preUpgradeRevision: 89 ixExternalInterfacesConfiguration: [] ixExternalInterfacesConfigurationNames: [] ixVolumes: - hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/ix-applications/releases/nextcloud/volumes/ix_volumes/ix-postgres_backups mariadbImage: pullPolicy: IfNotPresent repository: mariadb tag: 10.6.14 ncConfig: additionalEnvs: [] adminPassword: d3k@M%YRBRcj adminUser: admin commands: [] cron: enabled: false schedule: '*/15 * * * *' dataDir: /vawww/html/data host: charon.weninger.local maxExecutionTime: 30 maxUploadLimit: 3 opCacheMemoryConsumption: 128 phpMemoryLimit: 512 ncDbHost: nextcloud-postgres ncDbName: nextcloud ncDbPass: XvgIoT84hMmNDlH ncDbUser: ��-��� ncNetwork: certificateID: 1 nginx: externalAccessPort: 443 proxyTimeouts: 60 useDifferentAccessPort: false webPort: 9002 ncPostgresImage: pullPolicy: IfNotPresent repository: postgres tag: "13.1" ncStorage: additionalStorages: [] data: hostPathConfig: aclEnable: false hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/ncdata ixVolumeConfig: datasetName: data type: hostPath html: hostPathConfig: aclEnable: false hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/ncdata ixVolumeConfig: datasetName: html type: hostPath isDataInTheSameVolume: true migrationFixed: true pgBackup: ixVolumeConfig: aclEnable: false datasetName: ix-postgres_backups type: ixVolume pgData: hostPathConfig: aclEnable: false hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/pgdata ixVolumeConfig: datasetName: pgData type: hostPath nginxImage: pullPolicy: IfNotPresent repository: nginx tag: 1.25.4 notes: custom: ## Database You can connect to the database using the pgAdmin App from the catalog
Database Details
- Database: \{{ .Values.ncDbName }}` - Username: `{{ .Values.ncDbUser }}` - Password: `{{ .Values.ncDbPass }}` - Host: `{{ .Values.ncDbHost }}.{{ .Release.Namespace }}.svc.cluster.local` - Port: `5432``
{{- $_ := unset .Values "ncDbUser" }} {{- $_ := unset .Values "ncDbName" }} {{- $_ := unset .Values "ncDbPass" }} {{- $_ := unset .Values "ncDbHost" }} Note: Nextcloud will create an additional new user and password for the admin user on first startup. You can find those credentials in the \/vawww/html/config/config.php` file inside the container. footer: # Documentation Documentation for this app can be found at https://www.truenas.com/docs. # Bug reports If you find a bug in this app, please file an issue at https://ixsystems.atlassian.net header: # Welcome to TrueNAS SCALE Thank you for installing {{ .Chart.Annotations.title }} App. persistence: config: datasetName: null domain: null enabled: true hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/ncdata medium: null password: null readOnly: false server: null share: null size: null targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /vawww/html/config subPath: config nextcloud-cron: nextcloud-cron: mountPath: /vawww/html/config subPath: config type: hostPath username: null customapps: datasetName: null domain: null enabled: true hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/ncdata medium: null password: null readOnly: false server: null share: null size: null targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /vawww/html/customapps subPath: custom_apps nextcloud-cron: nextcloud-cron: mountPath: /vawww/html/custom_apps subPath: custom_apps type: hostPath username: null data: datasetName: null domain: null enabled: true hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/ncdata medium: null password: null readOnly: false server: null share: null size: null targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /vawww/html/data subPath: data nextcloud-cron: nextcloud-cron: mountPath: /vawww/html/data subPath: data type: hostPath username: null html: datasetName: null domain: null enabled: true hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/ncdata medium: null password: null readOnly: false server: null share: null size: null targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /vawww/html subPath: html nextcloud-cron: nextcloud-cron: mountPath: /vawww/html subPath: html postgresbackup: postgresbackup: mountPath: /nc-config type: hostPath username: null nc-config-limreqbody: defaultMode: "0755" enabled: true objectName: nextcloud-config targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /etc/apache2/conf-enabled/limitrequestbody.conf subPath: limitrequestbody.conf type: configmap nc-config-opcache: defaultMode: "0755" enabled: true objectName: nextcloud-config targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /uslocal/etc/php/conf.d/opcache-z-99.ini subPath: opcache.ini type: configmap nc-config-php: defaultMode: "0755" enabled: true objectName: nextcloud-config targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /uslocal/etc/php/conf.d/nextcloud-z-99.ini subPath: php.ini type: configmap nc-occ: defaultMode: "0755" enabled: true objectName: nextcloud-config targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /usbin/occ subPath: occ type: configmap nginx-cert: defaultMode: "0600" enabled: true items: - key: tls.key path: private.key - key: tls.crt path: public.crt objectName: nextcloud-cert targetSelector: nginx: nginx: mountPath: /etc/nginx-certs readOnly: true type: secret nginx-conf: defaultMode: "0600" enabled: true items: - key: nginx.conf path: nginx.conf objectName: nginx targetSelector: nginx: nginx: mountPath: /etc/nginx readOnly: true type: configmap postgresbackup: datasetName: ix-postgres_backups domain: null enabled: true hostPath: null medium: null password: null readOnly: false server: null share: null size: null targetSelector: postgresbackup: permissions: mountPath: /mnt/directories/postgres_backup postgresbackup: mountPath: /postgres_backup type: ixVolume username: null postgresdata: datasetName: null domain: null enabled: true hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/pgdata medium: null password: null readOnly: false server: null share: null size: null targetSelector: postgres: permissions: mountPath: /mnt/directories/postgres_data postgres: mountPath: /valib/postgresql/data type: hostPath username: null themes: datasetName: null domain: null enabled: true hostPath: /mnt/Camelot/Applications/Nextcloud/ncdata medium: null password: null readOnly: false server: null share: null size: null targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /vawww/html/themes subPath: themes nextcloud-cron: nextcloud-cron: mountPath: /vawww/html/themes subPath: themes type: hostPath username: null tmp: enabled: true targetSelector: nextcloud: nextcloud: mountPath: /tmp type: emptyDir podOptions: automountServiceAccountToken: false dnsConfig: options: [] dnsPolicy: ClusterFirst enableServiceLinks: false hostAliases: [] hostNetwork: false restartPolicy: Always runtimeClassName: "" terminationGracePeriodSeconds: 30 tolerations: [] portal: {} postgresImage: pullPolicy: IfNotPresent repository: postgres tag: "15.2" rbac: {} redisImage: pullPolicy: IfNotPresent repository: bitnami/redis tag: 7.0.11 release_name: nextcloud resources: NVIDIA_CAPS: - all limits: cpu: 4000m memory: 8Gi requests: cpu: 10m memory: 50Mi scaleCertificate: nextcloud-cert: enabled: true id: 1 scaleExternalInterface: [] scaleGPU: [] secret: {} securityContext: container: PUID: 568 UMASK: "002" allowPrivilegeEscalation: false capabilities: add: [] drop: - ALL privileged: false readOnlyRootFilesystem: true runAsGroup: 568 runAsNonRoot: true runAsUser: 568 seccompProfile: type: RuntimeDefault pod: fsGroup: 568 fsGroupChangePolicy: OnRootMismatch supplementalGroups: [] sysctls: [] service: nextcloud: enabled: true ports: webui: enabled: true port: 80 primary: true targetPort: 80 targetSelector: nextcloud primary: true targetSelector: nextcloud type: ClusterIP nextcloud-nginx: enabled: true ports: webui-tls: enabled: true nodePort: 9002 port: 9002 targetPort: 9002 targetSelector: nginx targetSelector: nginx type: NodePort postgres: enabled: true ports: postgres: enabled: true port: 5432 primary: true targetPort: 5432 targetSelector: postgres targetSelector: postgres type: ClusterIP redis: enabled: true ports: redis: enabled: true port: 6379 primary: true targetPort: 6379 targetSelector: redis targetSelector: redis type: ClusterIP serviceAccount: {} workload: nextcloud: enabled: true podSpec: containers: nextcloud: enabled: true envFrom: - secretRef: name: nextcloud-creds imageSelector: image lifecycle: postStart: command: - /bin/sh - -c - echo "Installing ..." apt update && apt install -y --no-install-recommends \ echo "Failed to install binary/binaries..." echo "Finished." type: exec primary: true probes: liveness: enabled: true httpHeaders: Host: localhost path: /status.php port: 80 type: http readiness: enabled: true httpHeaders: Host: localhost path: /status.php port: 80 type: http startup: enabled: true httpHeaders: Host: localhost path: /status.php port: 80 type: http securityContext: capabilities: add: - CHOWN - DAC_OVERRIDE - FOWNER - NET_BIND_SERVICE - NET_RAW - SETGID - SETUID readOnlyRootFilesystem: false runAsGroup: 0 runAsNonRoot: false runAsUser: 0 hostNetwork: false initContainers: postgres-wait: args: - -c - echo "Waiting for postgres to be ready" until pg_isready -h ${POSTGRES_HOST} -U ${POSTGRES_USER} -d ${POSTGRES_DB}; do sleep 2 done command: bash enabled: true envFrom: - secretRef: name: postgres-creds imageSelector: postgresImage resources: limits: cpu: 500m memory: 256Mi type: init redis-wait: args: - -c - - echo "Waiting for redis to be ready" until redis-cli -h "$REDIS_HOST" -a "$REDIS_PASSWORD" -p ${REDIS_PORT_NUMBER:-6379} ping grep -q PONG; do echo "Waiting for redis to be ready. Sleeping 2 seconds..." sleep 2 done echo "Redis is ready!" command: bash enabled: true envFrom: - secretRef: name: redis-creds imageSelector: redisImage resources: limits: cpu: 500m memory: 256Mi type: init securityContext: fsGroup: 33 primary: true type: Deployment nginx: enabled: true podSpec: containers: nginx: enabled: true imageSelector: nginxImage primary: true probes: liveness: enabled: true httpHeaders: Host: localhost path: /status.php port: 9002 type: https readiness: enabled: true httpHeaders: Host: localhost path: /status.php port: 9002 type: https startup: enabled: true httpHeaders: Host: localhost path: /status.php port: 9002 type: https securityContext: capabilities: add: - CHOWN - DAC_OVERRIDE - FOWNER - NET_BIND_SERVICE - NET_RAW - SETGID - SETUID readOnlyRootFilesystem: false runAsGroup: 0 runAsNonRoot: false runAsUser: 0 hostNetwork: false initContainers: 01-wait-server: args: - -c - - echo "Waiting for [http://nextcloud:80]"; until wget --spider --quiet --timeout=3 --tries=1 http://nextcloud:80/status.php; do echo "Waiting for [http://nextcloud:80]"; sleep 2; done echo "Nextcloud is up: http://nextcloud:80"; command: - bash enabled: true imageSelector: bashImage type: init type: Deployment postgres: enabled: true podSpec: containers: postgres: enabled: true envFrom: - secretRef: name: postgres-creds imageSelector: ncPostgresImage primary: true probes: liveness: command: - sh - -c - until pg_isready -U ${POSTGRES_USER} -h localhost; do sleep 2; done enabled: true type: exec readiness: command: - sh - -c - until pg_isready -U ${POSTGRES_USER} -h localhost; do sleep 2; done enabled: true type: exec startup: command: - sh - -c - until pg_isready -U ${POSTGRES_USER} -h localhost; do sleep 2; done enabled: true type: exec resources: limits: cpu: 4000m memory: 8Gi securityContext: readOnlyRootFilesystem: false runAsGroup: 999 runAsUser: 999 initContainers: permissions: args: - -c - "for dir in /mnt/directories/; do\n if [ ! -d \"$dir\" ]; then\n echo \"[$dir] is not a directory, skipping\"\n continue\n fi\n\n echo \"Current Ownership and Permissions on [\"$dir\"]:\"\n echo \"chown: $(stat -c \"%u %g\" \"$dir\")\"\n echo \"chmod: $(stat -c \"%a\" \"$dir\")\" \n fix_owner=\"true\"\n fix_perms=\"true\"\n\n\n if [ \"$fix_owner\" = \"true\" ]; then\n echo \"Changing ownership to 999:999 on: [\"$dir\"]\"\n \ chown -R 999:999 \"$dir\"\n echo \"Finished changing ownership\"\n \ echo \"Ownership after changes:\"\n stat -c \"%u %g\" \"$dir\"\n \ fi\ndone\n" command: bash enabled: true imageSelector: bashImage resources: limits: cpu: 1000m memory: 512Mi securityContext: capabilities: add: - CHOWN readOnlyRootFilesystem: false runAsGroup: 0 runAsNonRoot: false runAsUser: 0 type: install type: Deployment postgresbackup: annotations: helm.sh/hook: pre-upgrade helm.sh/hook-delete-policy: hook-succeeded helm.sh/hook-weight: "1" enabled: true podSpec: containers: postgresbackup: command: - sh - -c - echo 'Fetching password from config.php' # sed removes ' , => spaces and db from the string POSTGRES_USER=$(cat /nc-config/config/config.php grep 'dbuser' sed "s/dbuser ',=>//g") POSTGRES_PASSWORD=$(cat /nc-config/config/config.php grep 'dbpassword' sed "s/dbpassword ',=>//g") POSTGRES_DB=$(cat /nc-config/config/config.php grep 'dbname' sed "s/dbname ',=>//g") [ -n "$POSTGRES_USER" ] && [ -n "$POSTGRES_PASSWORD" ] && [ -n "$POSTGRES_DB" ] && echo 'User, Database and password fetched from config.php' until pg_isready -U ${POSTGRES_USER} -h ${POSTGRES_HOST}; do sleep 2; done echo "Creating backup of ${POSTGRES_DB} database" pg_dump --dbname=${POSTGRES_URL} --file /postgres_backup/${POSTGRES_DB}$(date +%Y-%m-%d_%H-%M-%S).sql echo "Failed to create backup" echo "Backup finished" enabled: true envFrom: - secretRef: name: postgres-backup-creds imageSelector: ncPostgresImage primary: true probes: liveness: enabled: false readiness: enabled: false startup: enabled: false resources: limits: cpu: 2000m memory: 2Gi securityContext: readOnlyRootFilesystem: false runAsGroup: 999 runAsUser: 999 initContainers: permissions: args: - -c - "for dir in /mnt/directories/*; do\n if [ ! -d \"$dir\" ]; then\n echo \"[$dir] is not a directory, skipping\"\n continue\n fi\n\n echo \"Current Ownership and Permissions on [\"$dir\"]:\"\n echo \"chown: $(stat -c \"%u %g\" \"$dir\")\"\n echo \"chmod: $(stat -c \"%a\" \"$dir\")\" \n if [ $(stat -c %u \"$dir\") -eq 999 ] && [ $(stat -c %g \"$dir\") -eq 999 ]; then\n echo \"Ownership is correct. Skipping...\"\n fix_owner=\"false\"\n \ else\n echo \"Ownership is incorrect. Fixing...\"\n fix_owner=\"true\"\n \ fi\n\n\n if [ \"$fix_owner\" = \"true\" ]; then\n echo \"Changing ownership to 999:999 on: [\"$dir\"]\"\n chown -R 999:999 \"$dir\"\n \ echo \"Finished changing ownership\"\n echo \"Ownership after changes:\"\n \ stat -c \"%u %g\" \"$dir\"\n fi\ndone" command: bash enabled: true imageSelector: bashImage resources: limits: cpu: 1000m memory: 512Mi securityContext: capabilities: add: - CHOWN readOnlyRootFilesystem: false runAsGroup: 0 runAsNonRoot: false runAsUser: 0 type: init restartPolicy: Never securityContext: fsGroup: "33" type: Job redis: enabled: true podSpec: containers: redis: enabled: true envFrom: - secretRef: name: redis-creds imageSelector: redisImage primary: true probes: liveness: command: - /bin/sh - -c - redis-cli -a "$REDIS_PASSWORD" -p ${REDIS_PORT_NUMBER:-6379} ping grep -q PONG enabled: true type: exec readiness: command: - /bin/sh - -c - redis-cli -a "$REDIS_PASSWORD" -p ${REDIS_PORT_NUMBER:-6379} ping grep -q PONG enabled: true type: exec startup: command: - /bin/sh - -c - redis-cli -a "$REDIS_PASSWORD" -p ${REDIS_PORT_NUMBER:-6379} ping grep -q PONG enabled: true type: exec resources: limits: cpu: 4000m memory: 8Gi securityContext: readOnlyRootFilesystem: false runAsGroup: 0 runAsNonRoot: false runAsUser: 1001 securityContext: fsGroup: 1001 type: Deployment See error above values.`

Just sharing a few free tools, resources etc. that might make your tech life a little easier. I have no known association with any of these unless stated otherwise.
But first, in the latest Security Swarm Podcast: "A Breakdown of CSRB’s Findings on Microsoft Storm-0558 Breach (PART 2),” is a continuation from last week’s episode where we discussed the CSRB’s findings on Microsoft’s Storm-0558 Breach. This week, we continue picking apart the findings and providing insights.
We're looking for your favorite tips and tools we can share with the community... those that help you do your job better and more easily. Please share your suggestions on the IT Pro Tuesday subreddit, and we'll be featuring them in the coming weeks.
Now on to this week's list!
A Free Tool
Centro 365 is a browser extension that makes it easier to find the info you need on Microsoft Azure and 365. Dintid explains, "My work consists 95% working in the 365 suite—in all of the sections. And being a small IT staff in a non-profit, it’s hard to keep up with the weekly changes MS are doing to naming and placement of stuff. Leads to my useful tool on a daily basis, an extension for my browser, which basically is just a drop down with the different sections and subsections. Clicking it and you go to the right url for it."
Another Free Tool
Mermaid is an online flowchart and diagrams editor that was designed to keep tech documentation current. TheRaido explains, "For documentation with diagrams, I tend to use Mermaid, which can be used in Markdown in VS Code and is also supported by Obsidian.md."
A Tip
A favorite Windows command for jonathanjohnson0724:

• for /l %i in (1,1,254)
• do ping -n 1 - w 10 192.168.0.%i
• Followed by arp -a

will list the IP and MAC addresses of almost everything in the local subnet (192.168.0.[1-254]), including most things that don’t respond to ping. Not as fancy as Angry IP Scanner, but it’s on every Windows system; so quick and easy to use.
Yet Another Free Tool
WizTree helps you quickly find the files and folders using the most disk space on your hard drive. Rather than searching the drive and checking each file to determine size, WizTree gets its information straight from the NTFS Master File Table—which means it happens almost instantaneously. evilkasper finds it does the same thing as WinDirStat, but much faster.
One More Free Tool
Page Countster is a small, portable application for reporting on network printers. Provides a super fast, easy way to access info and interact with all the connected printers. tkecherson says, "For printers, I prefer an old freeware utility, Page Countster. Automatically picks up just the printers and a host of other info about them in an incredibly lightweight utility."
You can find this week's bonuses here or signup to get each week's list in your inbox here.

Welcome back to IT Pro Tuesday!
In the latest Security Swarm Podcast: "A Breakdown of CSRB’s Findings on Microsoft Storm-0558 Breach (PART 2),” is a continuation from last week’s episode where we discussed the CSRB’s findings on Microsoft’s Storm-0558 Breach. This week, we continue picking apart the findings and providing insights.
We're looking for your favorite tips and tools we can share with the community... those that help you do your job better and more easily. Please share your suggestions on the IT Pro Tuesday subreddit, and we'll be featuring them in the coming weeks.
Now on to this week's list!
A Free Tool
Centro 365 is a browser extension that makes it easier to find the info you need on Microsoft Azure and 365. Dintid explains, "My work consists 95% working in the 365 suite—in all of the sections. And being a small IT staff in a non-profit, it’s hard to keep up with the weekly changes MS are doing to naming and placement of stuff. Leads to my useful tool on a daily basis, an extension for my browser, which basically is just a drop down with the different sections and subsections. Clicking it and you go to the right url for it."
Another Free Tool
Mermaid is an online flowchart and diagrams editor that was designed to keep tech documentation current. TheRaido explains, "For documentation with diagrams, I tend to use Mermaid, which can be used in Markdown in VS Code and is also supported by Obsidian.md."
A Tip
A favorite Windows command for jonathanjohnson0724:

• for /l %i in (1,1,254)
• do ping -n 1 - w 10 192.168.0.%i
• Followed by arp -a

will list the IP and MAC addresses of almost everything in the local subnet (192.168.0.[1-254]), including most things that don’t respond to ping. Not as fancy as Angry IP Scanner, but it’s on every Windows system; so quick and easy to use.
Yet Another Free Tool
WizTree helps you quickly find the files and folders using the most disk space on your hard drive. Rather than searching the drive and checking each file to determine size, WizTree gets its information straight from the NTFS Master File Table—which means it happens almost instantaneously. evilkasper finds it does the same thing as WinDirStat, but much faster.
One More Free Tool
Page Countster is a small, portable application for reporting on network printers. Provides a super fast, easy way to access info and interact with all the connected printers. tkecherson says, "For printers, I prefer an old freeware utility, Page Countster. Automatically picks up just the printers and a host of other info about them in an incredibly lightweight utility."
P.S. Bonus Free Tools
Get this week's bonus tools by visiting the IT Pro Tuesday blog, or sign up to get this in your inbox each week here.
Have a fantastic week and as usual, let us know any comments.

All of these are applicable to both men and women.

1. Hormonal Assessment https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179956664221311066:

• Androgens: Elevated levels can stimulate sebum production, leading to acne.
  
• Estrogens (particularly Estradiol) and Progesterone: Imbalances can affect skin health.
  
• Hormone (LH) and Follicle-Stimulating Hormone (FSH): Important for understanding overall hormonal balance.
  
• Cortisol
  

1. Nutritional Status https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179948530878648430:

• Vitamin D: Deficiency can impact skin health.
  
• Vitamin A: Essential for skin repair and maintenance.
  
• Serum Iron, Ferritin
  
• Zinc: Low levels can exacerbate acne.
  
• Selenium
  
• B12
  
• Magnesium
  

1. Blood Sugar and Insulin Sensitivity https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179956411858427954:

• Fasting Blood Sugar: To check for glucose levels.
  
• HbA1c: Provides an average of your blood sugar levels over the past 2-3 months.
  
• Fasting Insulin: High levels can influence androgen production and are linked to acne.
  
• Fasting IGF-1: Implicated in stimulating sebaceous gland activity and increasing sebum production, which are key factors in acne development.
  
• Lipids
  

1. Inflammation Markers https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179979315622973490:

• C-Reactive Protein (CRP): Elevated CRP can indicate systemic inflammation.
  
• Erythrocyte Sedimentation Rate (ESR): Another marker for inflammation.
  

1. Liver Function Tests https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179964185203974204:

• Alanine Aminotransferase (ALT) and Aspartate Aminotransferase (AST), ALP: Liver health can influence hormonal balance and detoxification.
  
• Bilirubin: High levels might indicate liver dysfunction.
  

1. Thyroid Function Tests https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179956298041807009:

• TSH, Free T3, Free T4: Thyroid imbalances can affect skin health.

1. Gut Health https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179978160717172776 https://discord.com/channels/1169738819688468501/1179948878267678832:

• Stool tests:
  
  • Fecal occult blood test
  • Stool pH test
  • Comprehensive stool analysis
  • Gut microbiome tests
• Intestinal Permeability Tests
  
• Celiac disease tests (blood)
  
• Urine tests:
  
  • Organic acids test
  • Intestinal permeability (leaky gut) tests
• Endoscopy and colonoscopy
  
• Hydrogen and methane breath tests: These tests can diagnose SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), which has been linked to increased inflammation and may contribute to acne.
  

1. Food/General Sensitivity/Allergy Tests - although elimination of that food is key to determining if you have an intolerance#"Consumption - Food Intolerances (allergens and/or sensitivities)":

• IgE tests (allergies) - blood and skin prick
  
• IgG tests (sensitivies, controversial)
  

Join the discord here:
https://discord.com/invite/JJREjUhgc9
Blog:
https://acnehelp.space/

Australia is a country of abundant sunshine, but the skin of most Australians is better adapted to gloomy England than the beaches of Brisbane. The country’s predominantly white population has by far the world’s highest rate of skin cancer, and for years the public-health establishment has warned residents about the dangers of ultraviolet light. A 1980s ad campaign advised Australians to “Slip, Slop, Slap”—if you had to go out in the sun, slip on a shirt, slop on some sunscreen, and slap on a hat. The only safe amount of sun was none at all.
Then, in 2023, a consortium of Australian public-health groups did something surprising: It issued new advice that takes careful account, for the first time, of the sun’s positive contributions. The advice itself may not seem revolutionary—experts now say that people at the lowest risk of skin cancer should spend ample time outdoors—but the idea at its core marked a radical departure from decades of public-health messaging. “Completely avoiding sun exposure is not optimal for health,” read the groups’ position statement, which extensively cites a growing body of research. Yes, UV rays cause skin cancer, but for some, too much shade can be just as harmful as too much sun.
une 2024 Issue
SCIENCE Against Sunscreen Absolutism Moderate sun exposure can be good for you. Why won’t American experts acknowledge that?
By Rowan Jacobsen Tanned skin with pale smiley face drawn on it Illustration by Gabriela Pesqueira. Source: Dimarik / Getty. MAY 10, 2024 SHARE & GIFT SAVE Listen to this article
00:00
14:49
Listen to more stories on Curio
Australia is a country of abundant sunshine, but the skin of most Australians is better adapted to gloomy England than the beaches of Brisbane. The country’s predominantly white population has by far the world’s highest rate of skin cancer, and for years the public-health establishment has warned residents about the dangers of ultraviolet light. A 1980s ad campaign advised Australians to “Slip, Slop, Slap”—if you had to go out in the sun, slip on a shirt, slop on some sunscreen, and slap on a hat. The only safe amount of sun was none at all.
Explore the June 2024 Issue Check out more from this issue and find your next story to read.
View More Then, in 2023, a consortium of Australian public-health groups did something surprising: It issued new advice that takes careful account, for the first time, of the sun’s positive contributions. The advice itself may not seem revolutionary—experts now say that people at the lowest risk of skin cancer should spend ample time outdoors—but the idea at its core marked a radical departure from decades of public-health messaging. “Completely avoiding sun exposure is not optimal for health,” read the groups’ position statement, which extensively cites a growing body of research. Yes, UV rays cause skin cancer, but for some, too much shade can be just as harmful as too much sun.
It’s long been known that sun exposure triggers vitamin D production in the skin, and that low levels of vitamin D are associated with increased rates of stroke, heart attack, diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer’s, depression, osteoporosis, and many other diseases. It was natural to assume that vitamin D was responsible for these outcomes. “Imagine a treatment that could build bones, strengthen the immune system and lower the risks of illnesses like diabetes, heart and kidney disease, high blood pressure and cancer,” The New York Times wrote in 2010. “Some research suggests that such a wonder treatment already exists. It’s vitamin D.” By 2020, more than one in six adults were on that wonder treatment in the form of daily supplements, which promise to deliver the sun’s benefits without its dangers.
une 2024 Issue
SCIENCE Against Sunscreen Absolutism Moderate sun exposure can be good for you. Why won’t American experts acknowledge that?
By Rowan Jacobsen Tanned skin with pale smiley face drawn on it Illustration by Gabriela Pesqueira. Source: Dimarik / Getty. MAY 10, 2024 SHARE & GIFT SAVE Listen to this article
00:00
14:49
Listen to more stories on Curio
Australia is a country of abundant sunshine, but the skin of most Australians is better adapted to gloomy England than the beaches of Brisbane. The country’s predominantly white population has by far the world’s highest rate of skin cancer, and for years the public-health establishment has warned residents about the dangers of ultraviolet light. A 1980s ad campaign advised Australians to “Slip, Slop, Slap”—if you had to go out in the sun, slip on a shirt, slop on some sunscreen, and slap on a hat. The only safe amount of sun was none at all.
Explore the June 2024 Issue Check out more from this issue and find your next story to read.
View More Then, in 2023, a consortium of Australian public-health groups did something surprising: It issued new advice that takes careful account, for the first time, of the sun’s positive contributions. The advice itself may not seem revolutionary—experts now say that people at the lowest risk of skin cancer should spend ample time outdoors—but the idea at its core marked a radical departure from decades of public-health messaging. “Completely avoiding sun exposure is not optimal for health,” read the groups’ position statement, which extensively cites a growing body of research. Yes, UV rays cause skin cancer, but for some, too much shade can be just as harmful as too much sun.
It’s long been known that sun exposure triggers vitamin D production in the skin, and that low levels of vitamin D are associated with increased rates of stroke, heart attack, diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer’s, depression, osteoporosis, and many other diseases. It was natural to assume that vitamin D was responsible for these outcomes. “Imagine a treatment that could build bones, strengthen the immune system and lower the risks of illnesses like diabetes, heart and kidney disease, high blood pressure and cancer,” The New York Times wrote in 2010. “Some research suggests that such a wonder treatment already exists. It’s vitamin D.” By 2020, more than one in six adults were on that wonder treatment in the form of daily supplements, which promise to deliver the sun’s benefits without its dangers.
But sunlight in a pill has turned out to be a spectacular failure. In a large clinical trial that began in 2011, some 26,000 older adults were randomly assigned to receive either daily vitamin D pills or placebos, and were then followed for an average of five years. The study’s results were published in The New England Journal of Medicine two years ago. An accompanying editorial, with the headline “A Decisive Verdict on Vitamin D Supplementation,” noted that no benefits whatsoever had been found for any of the health conditions that the study tracked. “Vitamin D supplementation did not prevent cancer or cardiovascular disease, prevent falls, improve cognitive function, reduce atrial fibrillation, change body composition, reduce migraine frequency, improve stroke outcomes, decrease age-related macular degeneration, or reduce knee pain,” the journal said. “People should stop taking vitamin D supplements to prevent major diseases or extend life.”
Australia’s new guidance is in part a recognition of this reality. It’s also the result of our improved understanding of the disparate mechanisms through which sunlight affects health. Some of them are intuitive: Bright morning light, filtered through the eyes, helps regulate our circadian rhythms, improving energy, mood, and sleep. But the systemic effects of UV light operate through entirely different pathways that have been less well understood by the public, and even many health professionals. In recent years, that science has received more attention, strengthening conviction in sunlight’s possibly irreplaceable benefits. In 2019, an international collection of researchers issued a call to arms with the headline “Insufficient Sun Exposure Has Become a Real Public Health Problem.”
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2024/06/sun-exposure-health-benefits/678205/

Hey guys,
Many Reddit posts really helped me in the run up to my exam, so I want to tell you my story to ease anyone else's anxiety for their screening.
This is gonna be a long read so only read along if you're wanting every detail of this journey.
A few months ago I admitted myself to ED as I was having blood clots coming out in my stool. I have had many years of bleeding stool and hemorrhoid issues but this was the first time it had happened with blood clotting.
I was asked to stay overnight but before I left I asked for a referral for a colonoscopy so at least I went home with something moving forward.
It was in the public system so it was a few months until I could get an appointment but the run up to it I was frightened about mostly the results and the sedation.
This was in Australia so the sedation option is Midazolam and Fentanyl. It's a twilight sedation and something I've never experienced before.
In the two weeks running up to it, I expressed to my psychologist of my fears and she suggested asking my GP for quick action anxiety medication.
My GP prescribed me Diazapam and suggested I take it before I leave the house.
Fast forward to the day before. I stopped eating at 2pm and started my first PLENVU dose at 7pm. Initial bowel movements weren't so bad. Maybe went 6 times over the course of the night and it slowed down by midnight and I was able to get about 6 hours sleep.
I drank lemonade, apple juice, bone broth, sucked on Werther's originals and basically tried to keep belly full of sugar and liquids to stave off hunger.
Next morning I woke up at 7am, time for dose two. This one was much more intense when it came to bowel movements. I must have gone about over 10 times in the morning and twice more at the hospital. PLENVU isn't horrendous tasting. It's very salty and viscous but drunken cold with a straw and chasing it with lemonade, it was fine. I drank as much fluid as I could before I stopped all fluid intake at 10am. I think the worst part of the prep is not the hunger but the hours after 10am and before the procedure is the intensity of the thirst. I took my 5mg of Diazapam at 10am and this helped a lot with fighting back the anxiety and nerves.
I got to the hospital, checked in easily enough and was lucky they had a good system. I arrived at 12pm for a 1:30pm procedure.
Nurses were lovely and cannulated me with ease. I expressed my nerves and one of the assistant nurses explained I would be in a Twilight sleep on Midazolam and Fentanyl and depending on how my body reacts I could be aware of what's going on, could talk to them the whole time or go straight to sleep.
Turns out, I didn't go under basically at all. I was talking to them the whole time and they were holding my hand. I may have conked out for a second here or there with no memory but I basically watched the entire footage of the scope and at one point asked for more Midazolam as it hit a bit of a sore spot.
What a was 20-30 mins felt like 5 minutes. They then banded my hemorrhoids in the same procedure.
I didn't feel it initially but as soon as I got to recovery the pain of my bands set in but the nurse was so quick to check on my pain levels and what she initially gave as Panadol turned into Oxycodone and that helped a lot.
I'm back home now and my butt still hurts through the painkillers a bit but a banding isn't a part of every procedure but something that was given as an option to me during and I was more than happy to accept.
Turns out bleeding seems to be hemorrhoid related and that shouldn't be as big of an issue once I heal from the banding.
But yeah, I found the prep way more of a breeze than I thought and all I can say is if given the option of unsedated or sedated, choose sedation cos at least you have the option to ask for more pain relief if you remain conscious. Or if you're knocked out and propofol is your option, that would probably be even more pain free than my experience.
There really isn't much to fear and now my fear of going back to get another one is basically nil. Especially since the staff were so patient and friendly to me. They really made it everything so much smoother and calming.
I know this is a long read but I hope it helps someone heading into their upcoming procedure.

The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳

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"0254","Beyond Skyrim - Assets"
"0255","Beyond Skyrim - Bruma"
"0256","Beyond Skyrim - Bruma inegration patch"
"0257","Fat Skyrim - A worldspace expansion - Standalone"
"0258","Darkend"
"0259","Beyond Reach"
"0260","Fluffworks (Fluffy Animals)"
"0263","Static Mesh Improvement Mod Improvement Mod"
"0265","Simple Wearable Lanterns"
"0266","The Scarlett - A Buildable Ship (SE)"
"0267","Wolf Follower - Dynamic pet including Hunger and Growth system - SE"
"0268","Security Overhaul SKSE - Lock Variations"
"0269","Security Overhaul SKSE - Add-ons"
"0270","Skyrim Immersive Creatures Special Edition"
"0271","Zoro's Katana's"
"0272","Berserk Judeau Armor"
"0273","Equip Enchantment Fix"
"0274","Scrambled Bugs"
"0275","Falling Gildergreen Petals - SE"
"0276","Gildergreen Regrown"
"0277","Keyword Item Distributor"
"0278","MergeMapper"
"0279","Dialogue Movement Enabler"
"0280","Dirt and Blood - Dynamic Visual Effects"
"0281","The Forgotten City"
"0282","Expanded Dragon Bridge"
"0283","Skyrim Borders Disabled - SSE-Edition"
"0284","Helgen Reborn"
"0285","Enhanced Solitude SSE"
"0286","Icy Mesh Remaster"
"0287","Settlements Expanded"
"0288","Stonecrest City Reborn SE"
"0289","Midwood Isle"
"0290","Siege at Icemoth"
"0291","Siege at Icemoth F&S patch"
"0292","Beyond Reach - Tweaks and Enhancements"
"0293","More Bandit Camps SSE"
"0294","Wyrmstooth"
"0295","All Thieves Guild Jobs Concurrently"
"0296","Bandit Economy"
"0297","Bandit Lines Expansion"
"0298","Clockwork (SSE)"
"0299","The Gray Cowl of Nocturnal SE"
"0300","Blackreach Railroad"
"0301","Brhuce Hammar Legacy - Special Edition"
"0302","Aethernautics- A Space Travel Mod"
"0303","The Lost Wonders of Mzark"
"0304","Fyr Manor Special Edition"
"0305","Dwemer Spectres Special Edition"
"0306","Ancient Dwemer Metal - My patches for SMIM Dawnguard Dragonborn by Xtudo"
"0307","The Wheels of Lull - Unwound Edition - Settings Loader"
"0308","The Wheels of Lull SE"
"0309","Moon and Star"
"0310","Catching Clockwork - Wheels of Lull Fishing Addon"
"0311","TrueHUD - Wheels of Lull Patch"
"0312","Khajiit have ears"
"0313","Toymania"
"0314","IA Merged - Vanilla version"
"0315","Garm the Husky Companion"
"0316","Fare Thee Well - Spouses and Children Give Blessings (TAGS - Family)"
"0317","Immersive World Encounters SE"
"0318","BERSERK"
"0319","Berserk - The Black Swordsman"
"0320","Berserker Armor - An Immersive Berserk-inspired Armor"
"0321","ADXP I MCO Berserker guts Animation"
"0322","Dragon Slayer - Berserk"
"0323","BDOR Berserker Conversions"
"0324","Berserker Armor - BDOR Berserk Model"
"0325","[immyneedscake] BDOR Berserk SSE (Cloth SMP)"
"0326","Berserker Armor - SkyTEST Patch"
"0327","Berserker Armor - Immersive World Encounters Patch"
"0328","Berserker Armor - Growl Patch"
"0329","Berserker Armor MAIN FILE"
"0330","Berserker Armor - Update"
"0331","Footprints"
"0332","Footprints - Alternative Design"
"0333","SPID for Footprints"
"0334","Ultimate fix - SPID for Footprints"
"0335","Boethiah for Good Guys"
"0336","Capital Windhelm Expansion"
"0337","Capital Windhelm Expansion ai"
"0338","Capital Windhelm Expansion ussep"
"0339","Capital Windhelm Expansion - Normal"
"0340","Warbird's Whiterun Metropolis"
"0341","WWM - USSEP Patch"
"0342","WWM - DVLaSS Underside Patch"
"0343","Whiterun Battle Brothers"
"0344","WWM - SIC Patch"
"0345","SIC SE - Add-Ons and Patches"
"0346","VIGILANT SEAE"
"0347","VIGILANT Voiced - English Addon"
"0348","TrueHUD - Vigilant Boss Bars ini"
"0349","Attack Dogs - A dog combat overhaul"
"0350","Attack Dogs - Bone Wolf CC Patch"
"0351","Attack Dogs - Skytest - SIC Patch"
"0352","Attack Dogs - Unofficial Skyrim Patch"
"0353","Attack Dogs - Vigilant Patch"
"0354","Attack Dogs - Wolf Follower Patch"
"0355","Attack Dogs - Winterhold Restored Patch"
"0356","Immersive College NPCs"
"0357","Immersive College of Winterhold"
"0358","Actor Limit Fix"
"0359","Better College Application"
"0360","Obscure's College of Winterhold"
"0361","Ultimate College of Winterhold"
"0362","Winterhold Restored"
"0363","Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - RDO SE"
"0364","Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - Update and MCM"
"0365","ES - EVGAT Patch"
"0366","Solitude Docks Updated"
"0367","Expanded Towns and Cities"
"0368","Cities of the North - Falkreath"
"0369","The Great City Of Falkreath SSE Edition"
"0370","Cities of the North - Falkreath Patch Collection"
"0371","Lanterns Of Skyrim II"
"0372","Myrwatch - Editable Home Cells (Cell Bug Workaround)"
"0373","SkyTest Integration"
"0374","Cities of the North - Morthal"
"0375","Interesting NPCs (3DNPC) - Patches"
"0376","Mfg Fix"
"0377","Civil War Aftermath SE"
"0378","The Shire SE"
"0379","Undeath Remastered"
"0380","Carved Brink"
"0381","Skyrim Cut Content Restoration"
"0382","Extended Vanilla Menus"
"0383","Point The Way"
"0384","Jewelry Limiter - Another Multiple Rings and Amulets Mod"
"0385","Equipable Beast Tails - HDT SMP (Physics)"
"0386","BIGGERER Smp Argonian Tails"
"0387","ES AI Overhaul patch"
"0388","Gemling Queen Jewelry SE"
"0389","Folkstead and the Border of Hammerfell"
"0390","Circlet USSEP Fixes"
"0391","Gemling Queen Jewelry SE USSEP Circlet Fix"
"0392","Undeath - Classical Lichdom"
"0393","Undeath - XPMSSE - Strange Runes - Skeleton Patch"
"0394","Pirates Wield Cutlasses"
"0395","AI Overhaul SSE - Official Patch Hub"
"0396","Xelzaz - Custom Fully Voiced Argonian Telvanni Follower"
"0397","Beyond Skyrim - Wares of Tamriel SE"
"0398","Project AHO"
"0399","Project AHO - Skytest Patch (Fix Invisible Mudcrabs) - ESPFE"
"0400","Unofficial Project AHO - Bugfix and Improvement Patch"
"0401","College of Winterhold - Quest Expansion"
"0402","Better Dynamic Snow SE"
"0403","LeanWolf's Better-Shaped Weapons - All in One Installer"
"0404","Civil War Deserters"
"0405","Castle Volkihar Rebuilt - SSE"
"0406","Cloaks of Skyrim SSE"
"0407","Artesian Cloaks of Skyrim"
"0408","FileAccess Interface for Skyrim SE Scripts - FISSES"
"0409","Depths of the Reach"
"0410","Skyrim Underground SSE"
"0411","SkyrimUnderground_Add-On"
"0412","Cities of the North - Dawnstar"
"0413","Save The Dark Brotherhood - Skyrim Special Edition"
"0414","Dark Brotherhood Reborn - Dawnstar Sanctuary SEE"
"0415","House of Horrors - Quest Expansion"
"0416","Nilheim - Misc Quest Expansion"
"0417","The Only Cure - Quest Expansion"
"0418","The Only Cure Quest Expansion - Patches"
"0419","The Whispering Door - Quest Expansion"
"0420","The Heart of Dibella - Quest Expansion"
"0421","The Shire Unofficial Patch"
"0422","Unofficial Carved Brink Patch"
"0423","Go to bed"
"0424","Sleeping Expanded - Animations and NPC reactions"
"0425","Skyrim Sleeping Bags SE - Sleep Under Blankets"
"0426","Skyrim Reputation"
"0427","Skyrim Reputation Improved"
"0428","Skyrim Reputation - Fixed and Patched"
"0429","The Innocence Lost - Quest Expansion"
"0430","Thieves Guild Alternative Endings"
"0431","Destroy the Thieves Guild - Special Edition"
"0432","Skyrim Reputation Patches for Quest Expansions and Alternate Routes"
"0433","Dynamic Activation Key - MCM"
"0434","Dynamic Activation Key - Addons Collection"
"0435","Drengin's Blue Palace Terrace"
"0436","ES Blue Palace Terrace"
"0437","ES LoS II Patch"
"0438","BluePalaceTerrace-AI Overhaul-patch-SE"
"0439","Bruma and Other Patches for Convenient Horses"
"0440","Paarthurnax - Quest Expansion"
"0441","Scion - A Vampire Overhaul"
"0442","Save the Icerunner - Lights Out Alternate Routes"
"0443","Penitus Oculatus"
"0444","About Roggvir"
"0445","Defy the Gardener"
"0446","Serious Civil War Finale Sieges"
"0447","Supreme Fog for Morthal Region"
"0448","Base Object Swapper"
"0449","CC Bow of Shadows Lingering Invisibility Fix"
"0450","Riften Extension - Southwoods District"
"0451","Vanilla hair remake"
"0452","Dark Brotherhood Reborn - Patches Tweaks and Enhancements"
"0453","EVGAT - Dynamic Climb-able Ladder Doors"
"0454","INIGO"
"0455","Inigo Whistle Key"
"0456","Inigo - Bloodchill Manor patch"
"0457","Inigo Riding Patch"
"0458","Midwood Isle - Beyond Skyrim Bruma patch fix"
"0459","Whose Quest is it Anyway NG"
"0460","Happy Little Trees"
"0461","Happy Little Shrubs"
"0462","Skyland Happy Little Trees Bark"
"0463","ES Happy Little Shrubs patch"
"0464","Skyland AIO"
"0465","Better Dynamic Ash SE"
"0466","Slightly More Revealing Vanilla Clothing - 3BA Bodyslide"
"0467","Moonpath to Elsweyr Navmesh Fix"
"0468","GKB Waves Reborn"
"0469","GKB Waves Reborn-Midwood Isle"
"0470","GKB Waves"
"0471","Use Those Blankets"
"0472","Become a Bard"
"0473","Bards Reborn Student of Song Become a Bard and Bards College Expansion"
"0474","Serana Dialogue Add-On"
"0475","SDA Patch Hub SE"
"0476","Skyrim Reputation - Scion A Vampire Overhaul Patch"
"0477","Trueblood Serana"
"0478","Dawnguard Don't Hunt Cured Vampires"
"0479","QAPP - Quests Award Perk Points"
"0480","AI Overhaul - Various Patches"
"0481","COTN Morthal Patch Collection"
"0482","COTN Dawnstar Patch Collection"
"0483","QAPP - Quests Award Perk Points Patches"
"0484","Quest Conflict Fixes - Get Aegisbane"
"0485","Quest Conflict Fixes SSE"
"0486","Berserker Armor - Quest Conflict Fixes Patch"
"0487","Shadow of Skyrim - Nemesis and Alternative Death System"
"0488","Improved Camera SE - INI Tweaks"
"0489","SmoothCam"
"0490","SmoothCam - Modern Camera Preset"
"0491","SmoothCam Vanilla Enhanced 2"
"0492","Combat Pathing Revolution - NG"
"0493","BeastHHBB - Khajiit and Argonian content - player character and NPC replacer"
"0494","Immersive Armors"
"0495","Immersive Armours - SSE CBBE 3BA BodySlide"
"0496","Skyrim Reputation - Sneak Tools Patch"
"0497","Sneak Tools SE Edition"
"0498","Lux"
"0499","Lux - Via"
"0500","Lux Orbis"
"0501","Lux (patch hub)"
"0502","Lux - Via (patch hub)"
"0503","Lux Orbis (patch hub)"
"0504","Unofficial Lux Patchhub"
"0505","Sweets and Such - Baking Expanded SE"
"0506","Bards Reborn Enchanced Solitude Patch"
"0507","Bards Reborn Student of Song Undeath Patch"
"0508","Bards Reborn Student of Song AI Overhaul and USSEP Patch"
"0509","Moon and Star - Undeath Remastered Patch"
"0510","Immersive Sounds - Compendium"
"0511","Audio Overhaul - Immersive Sounds Integration (AOS - ISC Compatibility Patch)"
"0512","Unofficial Moonpath to Elsweyr Patch"
"0513","Bards Reborn USSEP Patch"
"0514","Castle Volkihar Rebuilt - Relationship Dialogue Overhaul Patch"
"0515","Cathedral Weathers and Seasons"
"0516","ENB Helper SE"
"0517","Particle Patch for ENB"
"0518","Obsidian Mountain Fogs"
"0519","Embers XD"
"0520","ENB Light"
"0521","Enhanced Volumetric Lighting and Shadows (EVLaS)"
"0522","Rudy ENB Cathedral Weathers ADDONS and REQUiRED Files"
"0523","Moons And Stars - Sky Overhaul SKSE"
"0524","Splashes Of Storms"
"0525","Rudy fix for Splashes of Storms and ENB"
"0526","Bright Waterfall Fix for ENB"
"0527","Less Distracting Blowing Snow Effects for ENB Particle Patch"
"0528","Show Player In Menus"
"0529","CoMAP"
"0530","Infinity UI"
"0531","Compass Navigation Overhaul"
"0532","Dear Diary Dark Mode (warm text)"
"0533","Dear Diary Dark Mode - Compass Navigation Overhaul Patch"
"0534","Stress and Fear - A Dynamic Sanity System"
"0535","Flat World Map Framework"
"0536","Extended Cut - Saints and Seducers Paper Map for FWMF"
"0537","Apocrypha Paper Map for FWMF"
"0538","Beyond Reach Paper Map for FWMF"
"0539","Midwood Isle Paper Map for FWMF"
"0540","Strange Runes"
"0541","ElSopa - Potions Redone"
"0542","RUSTIC SOULGEMS - Special Edition"
"0543","Rudy HQ - More Lights for ENB SE - Soul Gems"
"0544","Rudy HQ - More Lights for ENB SE - Deathbells and Nirnroots"
"0545","Rudy HQ - More Lights for ENB SE - Torchbugs and Moths"
"0546","Rudy HQ - More Lights for ENB SE - Bthardamz"
"0547","Rudy HQ - More Lights for ENB SE - Chaurus Eggs and Sacs"
"0548","Rudy HQ - More Lights for ENB SE - Glowing Mushrooms"
"0549","Rudy - More dramatic Red Mountain Plume"
"0550","Patch for Rudy HQ Misc. and Expanded Towns and Cities ETaC"
"0551","Obscure's College of Winterhold - Rudy HQ Miscellaneous SE Patch"
"0552","Soul Cairn Paper Map for FWMF"
"0553","Skyrim Paper Map by Caro Tuts for FWMF"
"0554","Paper Coldharbour Map for VIGILANT (FWMF)"
"0555","Duncan's Paper Maps for FWMF"
"0556","Rudy HQ - Standing Stones SE"
"0557","Bright Waterfall Fix for ENB Fix - Purple wind"
"0558","Use Or Take SKSE"
"0559","Oblivion Interaction Icons"
"0560","The Wheels of Lull CBBE 3BA and HIMBO Patch"
"0561","TrueHUD - HUD Additions - Gray Cowl of Nocturnal Boss Ini Tweaks"
"0562","Immersive Armors Patch"
"0563","Prisoner cart fix SMIM"
"0564","Sunder and Wraithguard - Editable Vault Cell (Cell Bug Workaround)"

Hi, I'm 23, I live in the UK, and I have a laundry list of physical and mental health issues that are still largely undiagnosed due to our failing healthcare system, so I'm also being left to completely self manage. Now the government is trying to push disabled people back into work without actually providing the necessary health care and support and I don't know what to do. I'm estranged from my family so I have no support that way and have no choice but to live independently, I have to be able to pay my bills and living costs, and I also have no idea if a job even exists that I'd be suitable for.
I dropped out of secondary school because my health was so poor my school attendance was 34%, I am unqualified to do pretty much anything. I'm considering going back into education hoping that it will open some doors but even that would be a monumental task so here are my limitations:
I would need a minimum of 3 days a month in sick days just to manage my endometriosis flare ups, I would not even be able to work from home on those days as they are mostly spent on the bathroom floor somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness in unmanageable pain.
I have joint and mobility issues that have a flare/remission pattern and are wildly unpredictable, I wake up with dislocated shoulders frequently and randomly, I could go 6 months with my knees being fine and then have recurring patella dislocations that leave me wheelchair bound as crutches cause my elbows problems. I might be able to work from home on days this is an issue.
I have social and sensory issues that are thought to be undiagnosed autism (my brother and father are autistic, I showed all the same signs as my brother, I was just punished for my traits while he was accommodated.) This affects me in work profoundly because I frequently misunderstand instructions or feedback, take things very literally, am seen as overly pedantic and difficult to instruct, and get very burnt out by any kind of customer facing roles, and things like work uniforms, jobs involving unpleasant sensory tasks, can all cause me to experience periods of verbal shut down, self injuring behaviour, repetitive motion (pacing, rocking) and become intolerant of lights, sounds, and temperature. This is a constant issue that I don't know how to manage.
I have chronic pain that also has flare ups, baseline pain, and somewhat remission, it affects my muscles and joints and is unpredictable, baseline pain I'm somewhat functional but limited, flare ups have me bed bound and unable to concentrate. I may be able to work from home on some of these days but not others.
I have digestive issues that cause nausea, alternating bowel movements between cant go and going too much, episodes of passing blood, mucus, extreme painful bloating, severe nausea and weight loss, but there are brief periods of remission. I probably wouldn't be able to do a full day of work from home during a flare up due to the time constraints of actively being in flare up.
I have been coughing up mucus to a point of bleeding from the back of my throat for about a year, I also have episodes of air hunger with pain and wheezing. Again, thank you NHS for no diagnosis or treatment. I could work from home during a flare up of this issue most of the time.
I have some kind of blood pressure or fainting issue, when I stand, I'm close to fainting, its worse when standing still, sometimes walking just about keeps me going but sometimes it ends with my faceplanting the floor, loosing consciousness and fitting. This is unpredictable and I've done everything I can to manage symptoms (cutting out nicotine, caffeine, sugar, pushing fluids and gentle floor based exercise when possible.) I would not be able to go anywhere during a flare up, I'm dubious about my ability to work from home during a particularly bad episode as post faint/fit I'm usually confused and out of commission for hours.
I also struggle with depression, getting out of bed, showering, making food (when physical issues allow) can be a struggle. I also have CPTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia, PMDD, derealisation and depersonalisation. So on bad mental health days, I don't feel real, the world doesn't seem real, I'm reliving traumatic events, can't leave my home, and have back to back panic attacks while having no energy or inclination to care for myself.
All in all, I don't think anyone would want to employ me, and I'm very uncertain about my ability to work, but seeing as my government has created an environment where I can't get adequate healthcare to manage any of my conditions, doesn't believe that I'm that severely disabled due to lack of formal diagnoses for the physical health problems despite my medical record reflecting me seeking help since age 10 for most of these issues, and therefore is now trying to force me back into work or else stop all my payments leaving me homeless and penniless, I'm not sure what to do. I can't stay with family, and they would not financially support me regardless, I've got no safety net. I don't think any jobs exist with the flexibility I need, AND the certainty I'd need of income.
Any advice would be appreciated, I'm really trying to rack my brain for any workable solutions but it's looking bleak.
TLTR:
Physically disabled, mentally ill, unable to access adequate health care, no family support, and possibly being forced to work despite not being able.

To start off with I live in a house share of 3 individuals and a dog, we are previous childhood friends. One flatmate is extremely antisocial and I am trying to figure out if I have been gaslit.
To give some context I’ve been living with my flatmates partner against my will since September 2023. Both me and my other flatmate tried to make clear we were uncomfortable about this months ago. He is extremely messy and had previously punched other men whilst drunk on more than one occasion. We gave these as reasons for us not wanting to be left alone with him in the house. Instead he was given a house key and it took months for this to be readdressed, any discussions we had were forgotten and messages we would send were ignored. In April 2024 we have been told his housing situation was “tricky” and that the flatmate in question needed him here as he was her only support system. She did not give the option of him moving out but instead told us he might be moving out in May 2024. In those 6 months we have been forced to pay his food bill for weeks (we previously had a communal food supply and had to separate and label our food because she kept feeding him without any contribution ) We have had to clean up continually for them both (both of them are very messy and often left spaces needing to be cleaned before being used.) We are told that because food is now separate bringing this up as an example of her disrespect is unacceptable. I have brought up that it is still extra labor in having to clean more often, and spend more money for cleaning products and was told that isn’t true and that they contribute fairly ( Since discussions of us feeling extremely used he has occasionally replaced coffee and toilet paper, paid bills once as of April 2024, does the dishes and occasionally does the bins) we are the ones doing most of the cleaning and always have done so this is an unfair split of labour in my opinion (the dog is also hers so we are cleaning up after 2 adults and a dog)
Neither of them have attempted to communicate over anything, my flatmates partner turned up one day with his dad and moved his things, when I told my flatmate this was not cool they laughed in my face and made a dismissive joke. Neither of them communicated to us that he had been thrown out of his previous house and would be living here. We would just find him in the house when we were under the impression we were home alone.
I realise I could have spoken to him directly, but for some reason was convinced that it would be snakey towards my flatmate to confront him and ask him why he felt so comfortable to dump his labour onto myself and my other flatmate as a 28yr old grown man, so instead everybody in the house just avoided each other with a very passive aggressive environment, in which we all participated in silent treatment. At its peak myself and the flatmate in question would be shoulder barging each other, which is very toxic and sad.
So far the reason given for him not ever cleaning up after himself was that he did not think it would be appropriate and we created a passive aggressive environment. ( We were very angry in this period, I myself even snapped on occasions where I raised my voice at my flatmate saying cruel things which I am ashamed of. This was in response to me feeling as though I was being used as a personal maid)
To give some more context to my own shitty behaviour spaces in the house were regularly left to a point of being unusable, unless we did it ourselves. This involved a months long flea infestation that was so severe you could not be in the house without being jumped on, we repeatedly tried to address this until the point we just dealt with it ourselves. I have had my TV broken when my flatmate was partying with friends which took months to even be acknowledged and not be told that it was not the right time to ask about it. Myself and my other flatmate have had to buy a separate fridge as we literally could not get our food into the houses shared fridge because we were left little space and were still having to regularly clean out others mouldy food. The dog is extremely reactive, he has anxiety and is often only given 2 or 3 short walks a week and spends the majority of his time in one bedroom, so being in the house with him means constant barking and he has been quite destructive. For months she would leave her dog whilst out partying and ignored all messages trying to bring up this forced labour.
Around this time something in me just broke, I actively tried to be petty and use a tit for tat mentality in how I treated her. This involved a lack of care for her items, refusing to do any labour for her, separating every single little thing, giving each other silent treatment. My OCD had been badly triggered after living in a flea infested house, this caused me to go into overdrive with cleaning where I would snap at any little mess. This was too much from me and it was a little controlling, but the situation was then reframed as me being “controlling” and not allowing my flatmate to ever relax in their house, rather than ever returning to the original upset of forced labour.
(I am going to give an example of a game she enjoyed playing with me here to try and explain what I feel has been done to me. She used to come over and start playfully hitting me, she would then ignore me saying no or stop, then when I blew up she would say don’t talk to me like that and frame it as me being angry and shouting at her inappropriately. I have had to address this with her and she has not played this game with me again, but I’ve seen her do it to someone else since and laugh in their face whilst visibly upsetting them, so I know they still enjoy doing it to others. Though just a silly game, this comfortability with ignoring a no and their ability to genuinely convince herself she hasn’t been given a boundary is one that bleeds into real life. )
On one occasion during an argument regarding labour I shouted at her to ‘fuck off back to neglecting your dog’ and I’m sure there were other things I probably said in an attempt to hurt her as much as I was hurting. I take zero pride in this and am deeply ashamed that I lowered myself to that behaviour. She herself belittled me in front of shared friends telling me “you never do anything for me you only do things for others you do nothing for me” over and over until I left the room. We had a huge row where she came down mid shower (as the hot water goes if multiple taps are on) whilst I was doing her dishes as the kitchen was a complete shit hole. I then told her no I’m not going to stop because i need to use my kitchen, and she told me i was disgusting for banning her from showering I told her she was disgusting for leaving the house as she did (I’m not exactly sure my exact words) she then told me “‘theres no room talking to you when ur like this”. Neither of us were right in this but I am giving it as an example of how toxic it is in the house.
A few days following this I said that if she refuses to discuss anything when she is leaving the house unusable for others and her partner is freeloading that I would report her to the landlord (I am not working on logic at this time but because I have been in fight or flight for months) she then told me it was disgusting to threaten her with homelessness and that she would never do something like that to me. I did not mean it as an intimidation tactic or maybe I did I’m not sure, it’s hard to think logically after being ignored over months.
After the threat I made to contact the landlord we discussed all of this, some of which she acknowledged, we both made an effort to apologise. However she tried to diminish the labour her and her partner purposefully used us for, would not give specifics about him moving out, and refused to apologise for belittling telling me she did not remember and it is not something she would ever say so she doesn’t know what I expect her to do. They told me I was not paying extra or doing more labour with an additional person living here. They have since cleaned the garden of bags of shit and dirty underwear that were left out for months, and made small efforts to be cleaner. However most of the house labour still falls onto us. (Some more context they very recently were injured and no longer can clean right now. This I understand completely however I would be lying if I didn’t feel burdened and obligated to now have to do that labour, or to help them with basic tasks when I can barely look at them without feeling sick, also I am still doing labour for her partner).
We have tried to meet her on every level for a very long time, previously we have had discussions about asking her when she is free rather than just dropping things on her, using a house chat, using a cleaning chart. We have tried to compromise and she has ignored all of these after agreeing to them. When I have gone to ask if she is free I have had her snap ‘what now’ I have seen her roll her eyes to others regarding a cleaning chart she agreed to because others were tired of cleaning for her, ignored all messages in the house chat.
My property has been repeatedly damaged or not taken care of as has others. I’ve had to spend over £100 easily. I am so tired of being ignored, laughed at or given no response at all to continual lack of consideration for others and their boundaries. My reactivity does need to be worked on, yes. However theres only so far people can be pushed before they snap, and I’m terrified that I’m going to break again.
When I’ve discussed this with others who have lived with her to see if they noticed this pattern of behaviour they knew exactly what I was talking about, which worries me.
To sum up I do not feel safe in this house, my back is permanently against the wall as I am just waiting for the next boundary violation at this point. This has already happened in truth as we recently received a letter saying we were overdue for council tax which threatened court if not paid off, I paid off mine and I didn’t bother to ask my flatmate to send over the remaining owed money as I am fed up of having all communication ignored and did not want to wait for her to be bothered to send me the money. If there is something that needs her attention you often need to ask for it to be done over and over which again is labour in the first place. As far as I’m aware this bill is still overdue as I have been completely ignored regarding it.
I do not think she truly realises that she has deeply traumatised myself and my flatmate through giving us no autonomy over who lives in this house or leaving us to care for her dog. My OCD is still pretty bad and being in this house or around her makes my skin crawl. So I guess I am wondering if I have been gaslit? Taking my own toxic behaviour into account I do not know whether I can criticise her or if I am being hypocritical in labelling her as toxic. My memory is too foggy to remember a lot of what has actually happened, but I have this of strong feeling of disillusionment that will not leave. I am stuck in this house until October 2024, and I am trying to just get on with it, but I can’t stop obsessing over what has happened, sometimes it’s all I can think about. I feel too guilty or snakey to contact the landlord as she is a longtime friend and I am afraid she will badmouth me to others if I do so. She is my childhood friend and everything in me is telling me that this isn’t how a friend should treat you. I am desperate to be free of this situation but we have been friends since childhood and she is currently injured and also experiencing a bereavement so I feel obligated to just leave her be. Should I still be trying to meet her needs or do I need to be selfish and remove this person from my life?

Novel - PEACE IS WHAT I WANT
Author note:-
How should i start. Lets say. I am just a student[19 M] And today i am going to start a writing a novel. Well... ...its always good to start a new work.
Enthusiasm...
thats what i am now feeling. I can't describe it in words. I can say that my grammar is bad. Umm so bad.
English is my second language. But i am going to try. I am going to persevere.
I am starting a novel on indian mythology. Well like indian sects.
Months ago.
I am just scrolling reddit. Seeing the memes on fy. And laughing my ass off.
unknowingly i stumbled on a comment and the comment is-
just think how if a cultivation novel based on indian mythology. Like There are 28 states in india. So.
We can make 28 sects and like this. And india is also a sacred country.
Just think there are so many mystery like kailash parvat( Kangrinboqe Peak).
So many mystries...
I was just staring at the comment something was rising in me.
Like this is my destiny. I am going to be a great writer. I will make millions of money. So i procrastinated this idea. Well i am a good procrastinater..
Months later today at 1 am on night while wasting my time on scrolling reddit.
I am suddenly feeling something. I am feeling like i have to do something productive. i have to make money So i thought to write a novel. Well its not going to the level of RI or Lotm. But i can try to make it good. I will daily use my 4 hours in this work.
I know i am not going to make any money on this.
But i am atleast trying to make something new. I am not good in studies.
No no no...
Its like i had never focus on studies.
From 2 years daily minimum 5 hours... I am reading novels.
Just novels. To cultivation to progression fantasy. Just novel.
But the idea of writing novel I always procrastinated that.
But today i am feeling so much enthusiasm i am going to start it now.
Special note-
If anyone wants to be a part of this journey. join me in this wonderful journey.
Well its going to be not paid. Its like internship. You will learn something. Like i need a editor. If any of you who is interested in this journey. You can dm me. Lets start.
I am clarify now this first chapter is something i am just writing it to describe. What is my potential. Like it will be my first novel and there are so many challenges i am going to face it. I am human afterall... I will going to make mistakes obviously. Day by day my writing will just going to improve.
Just adjust a bit.
You will definitely going to enjoy.
Chapter 1 - ITS STARTING
Hahahahah.
This is hilarious I have just wrote that I am going to make a wonderful novel and see I can't even type anything on my keyboard.
As i am seeing on my laptop. My frustration is increasing. How should i start. My patience is dropping. What should i do.
Lets make a boy first
Indeed hes going to be a poor and orphan.
Wait.
Its going to same cliche novel. I have to make something new. Something like Fang yuan.
First chapter of REVEREND INSANITY is goated Hes just standing hes hair floating and his clothes are in blood. He is smiling.
A cold smile. And then sac and boom
Explosion
....
Wait wait wait... This is going to be edgy. I have not any experience i have not any talent. How can i make a sacred novel like RI This is my first novel. I have to start with good mc.
.. My mood is swinging. I am feeling frustrated. How can anyone will going to read this garbage. I had not even make a world building. I had not even decide the name of the novel. Stupid so stupid. As i am staring on the screen. My patience paid off.
I turned off my laptop I stand up from my chair. And saw the time.
Its 1 am.
If my father found about that i am wasting my time in these things instead of studying. Than raj you just say goodbye to your writing passion.
I am just a average person.
Your average who got always average marks . Average look
Average talking skill.
Average money.
Well i am going to make it. But HOW.
...as i am thinking what to do How to write something great
. Suddenly my electricity gone.
Its rare. Well where i am living i had never seen electricity gone. Because i am living in a hostel. College hostel. And it is very expensive one. So when electricity goes out generator works.
Glad part about its. All of my study expenses is on loan. I am belonging from a middle class family.
But my father agreed for my private college as i convinced him that i will pay. I will pay everything believe in me last time. ...
I opened my room gate and went to the main hall while adjusting my torch light.
I can hear students are shouting. Well it is because human always find fun in everything
so many of students always wait when will the electricity goes and they will shout loudly. Its a fun thing. Really. its first time that electricity gone. So students are shouting too loudly. Make it more fun. Well i also join them. And also start shouting at high pitch.
Suddenly i stopped. Staring at the wall.
No no.
I am staring at the void.
In front of my eyes.
There was a blue screen.

 『Welcome to the gods heir』 

It was so unrealistic. I thought that this is my dream. I touched the screen with my limb. But the funny part is. My limb goes through it. Like it is a hologram.
My thoughts are spinning.
How can this happen. Its utterly impossible.
I had read so many webnovel i had already assumed so many scenarios like this. That there will be screen come from nowhere in front of you and you will say status and-
Wait status How can i forget this.
In my rough voice i said - "status" And i am believing that there will be a status screen will come.
And my life will take a 180. Degree turn But to my surprise there is no screen came.
1 sec...
2 sec...
Sudden a somber expression appeared on my face. A kid who always growed up while reading novel. A system is always his dream.
3 sec... 3.4 sec- And than
A voice heared in my mind.

 『 STATUS Name- Raj aggarwal Level- 1 Class- homo sapiens Sub class- None Stats/skills/shop/?¿? 』 

As i stared at the screen. My lips raised upwardly. This is what i want This is like my dream I always wanted a magical world.
A rpg type world where gods and demons are fighting. I will increase my level while fighting monsters. What..What is there any chance of my being alive in this scenario. This world is going to change. I have to change. I have to protect my family. Family...
**Shit.. shit..
My family lives 100 miles from here.. If this system is real and everyone can see it. Then soon chaos is going to erupting. What should i do now.. Take a bus or metro. No no .. Think think.. Well lets call them first..**
.
I opened my phone screen and saw the battery.
Shit..
8 percent. It can work for few minutes or one hour max I called on my moms number.
**Ring...
Ring...**
My heartbeat is increasing
*Ring... *
A women voice heared in my ear
-"Hlo, raj are you fine. What.. what is this screen. Everyone can see it. Everyone is panicking. You have to hurry.... come home as soon as possible".
I am glad that my mom answered my phone. While I staring at my screen i answered-"
don't worry mom.
There is nothing as panicking. Calm down. Just prepare some weapons like your knife, baseball. And locked the house. Do not open the door.
And tell my little brother that i am coming. Theres nothing to worry. Everything is fine."
I convinced my mom that there is nothing. But a gloomy senstation was felting in my body. I has to hurry.
As i glanced to the main hostel reception. A men with black beared.
Brown skin. Black eyes and in red shirt and black pant is standing there My warden was also in the state of shock. I went to him. Seeing me his eyes became focus. He called my name.
" RAJ CAN YOU SEE THE SCREEN ALSO"
He remembered my name indeed worthy of warden position I nodded. "Well its strange-he said to me while looking at the main gate. The gate was big and transparent Made of glass. I also see outside. Utter Darkness
Worrying if any type of dragon come here and just make this college campus in ashes. I glanced to other direction.
More and more students came from there room. Many were studying in their room. Many were gaming in their room. But i don't care because i don't have any friends. ..
But what i am doing here... When a sytem comes to the world You will granted with many powers. But what i have to do. As i thinking.
I stepped out on a ant.
Well its there problem being a short and came under my limb.
...The words on my screen crazily gone and swapped by a another words

 『 You are 137th one to killed a living being. 』 『 you got 5 true points』 

A crazy expression came on my face.
Here is the link of webnovel site - https://m.webnovel.com/book/peace-is-what-i-want_29563366708313205

Yo, did you know that you can just rip pure score videos from YouTube and repost it with zero or minimal changes to the actual video? It's completely fine and what is the original video owner even going to do, right? Claim something that isn't even theirs? Criminals have no recourse, as they say. The performers or record label company do have rights to the audio but they are not going to complain either when it's just more free promotion.
If you want to make it in the classical music world, avoid starvation and homelessness, and make it big with your YouTube channel before you post your own more original content, this is the way to go!!!!!
Who even wants to perform and record music anyone when the performer is the one suffering, futureless, hopeless, and depressed, spending 10,000x the effort as the person who posted the score video and the person who reposts the score video spending 0.1% of the effort as the person who posted the score video?? Isn't that just pure stupidity?
And if you wanna make revenue from it like I did ;) all you gotta do is distort the audio a bit and add some weird framing or visual distortion and you're all but undetectable by the YouTube copyright system and able to make revenue until it gets taken down!! Don't worry, there are a bunch of people already doing this, but you should join in on the action as well ;)

Intro

It’s not much of a stretch to say that violence is the primary form of interaction in video games. With a handful of exceptions, most video games involve guys whacking other guys, with varying degrees of brutality. Even chill games fall into this - Stardew Valley has sections with combat in them! Considering the pervasiveness of violence in video games, there has been a ton of amateur and academic commentary on the topic. However, while this is a well-established school of thought, I haven’t seen people try to apply this to Fire Emblem specifically.
So, let’s do that now! In this post, I’ll be exploring how violence in Fire Emblem is implemented - what limitations are placed on violence, how it warps wider game and narrative design, and what it implicitly says and does not say. I hope this post doesn’t come off as too early-2010s “makes you think”-y, but I do think there are multiple interesting things worth talking about here!
Despite the length of this post, "a brief discussion" is an appropriate title, as we won't be able to go into depth on everything. After all, video games are holistic works, so the attitude towards violence is relevant to every aspect of their design. However, I have managed to wrangle some of these threads into the following structure: first a discussion on the fundamental mode of interaction in Fire Emblem, then how stories are constructed with regards to violence, and ending with the aesthetics of violence and how they relate to characters. Also, as FE is a huge series, be aware that I am gonna be making some broad statements which may not apply to each individual plot point of every game. I actually planned to write 3 case studies around Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses (which have the most interesting attitudes to violence in the series IMO) which point out these deviations, but this post is way too long and full of tangents already. If people are interested, I’ll make a followup to this post which goes into them in more detail. Also also, because of the nature of this post, I’ll actually give a useful TL;DR for once:
TL;DR: Nintendo games must be fun mechanically, and they can’t be too uncomfortable narratively. If you try to provide a counterpoint by saying “oh this Kirby final boss is super dark it eats 100 morbillion galaxies”, you do not deserve rights. IntSys has to keep to this as a 2nd party publisher, but they also have to deal with the fact that their games are at least nominally about ‘war’ (or at least they put their toes into that particular thematic pool). This conflict between making a fun video game for children/teens and the wider framing of the narrative leads to interesting narrative and aesthetic tensions. also fun is cringe, misery is based

“Do you like hurting other people?” (or The Fundamental Mode of Interaction)

OK LISTEN I KNOW I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO COME ACROSS AS A EARLY 2010s “VIOLENCE IN VIDYA BAD :O????” PERSON BUT I SWEAR I’M GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THIS
The best place to start when talking about violence in video games is to think about the primary form of interaction in said game. In the case of Fire Emblem, this is in the in-chapter gameplay. Sure, in objective terms the player moves arbitrary objects across a 2D grid which perform subtraction on arbitrary objects controlled by the computer, but this is always framed as controlling a squad of soldiers to engage in (typically lethal) combat with enemies (who are normally also soldiers). When you’re not doing this in-chapter gameplay, you are preparing for the next chapter of combat. This involves surveying the area of combat, preparing weapon loadouts, etc, however more recent entries also include light life-sim-esque elements. To summarize, Fire Emblem’s interactivity involves ordering violence as well as the preparations to order said violence.
For players, this strategic thinking is extremely fun and is the primary draw of the series! You have all these tier lists of who’s better at killing, discussion of the maps where you do the killing, complaints about the length of gameplay sections where you don’t do killing, etc. This is by design, as while I don’t know the core brand tenets of Nintendo, I imagine the Reggie quote “If it isn’t fun, why bother?” is carved into a solid gold statue of Mario in the office lobby. This then is enforced on all associated studios, including IntSys and so Fire Emblem. While I would disagree with that Reggie quote (especially the bit where he says “If it’s not a battle, where’s the fun?” which is a wild statement to make about an entire medium), this approach to making games is ultimately fine, and so IntSys tailored the strategic gameplay to be satisfying to your dopamine receptors. You could analyse what the normalisation of violence even in ‘just for fun’ games says about wider gaming culture, but I won’t get into that here. In any case, let’s dig into a few specifics of FE’s interactivity.
One thing that’s interesting with regard to strategy games is the detached perspective of the player. You order units and observe the resulting violence, but it’s not tactile, you don’t directly swing the sword or shoot the bow or cast the spell like with action games. This adds a layer of separation between the player and what fundamentally happens, at least within the framing that the game provides. It’s not like Call of Duty, where your relationship to the violence is very visceral, where you view everything down the barrel of a gun. OK, I probably shouldn’t use a series that I have very little personal experience with (I only listen to the supplementary lore material, so let’s talk about Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice. While you’re not directly in the driver’s seat, John Sekiro reacts to your every input with extreme responsiveness, so overcoming the game’s challenges i.e. stabbing people is incredibly visceral and satisfying. While this violence is fantastical in nature, there is sufficient blood and explicit sword-action to clearly say “oh yeah you are violently killing all of those bozos with a katana”. Coming back to FE, not only are you far more detached from the violence, it is presented in an extremely cartoony manner… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, we’ll get to the aesthetics later. Point is, Fire Emblem gives the viewpoint of a stoic commander, who Does What Needs To Be Done™, and not the viewpoint of an actual soldier who has to do the actual killing.
Now let’s view the player’s perspective on violence from a different angle. Fire Emblem intends for its combat to be relatively relaxed on the player side of things - the turn-based nature allows the player to calmly think through all of their moves, and you typically have perfect information on the enemies. The only exceptions to this are Fog of WaSame Turn Reinforcements, which are rare and typically unpopular amongst the fanbase. This leans into ‘combat as sport’, where (going back to the Reggie quote) you have a fun time picking apart a puzzle with the tools you have, and we all collectively enjoy this! This is a valid way of designing strategy games, and I like what IntSys has done. However, it’s not the only way of making these games - for example, in Total War you have to juggle all your battalions in real time whilst the enemy is bearing down on you, and the XCOM games always have Fog of War and limited information on the enemies, with you never knowing what kind of awful new monster is going to suddenly charge at you. Don’t get me wrong, neither of these follow ‘combat as war’, the principle that violence should properly mimic the stress, tension and unfairness of actual conflict. Hell, neither of them are particularly mature either - Total War is the strategy game equivalent of smashing action figures together, and XCOM emulates a pulp sci-fi alien invasion story. However, the additional pressures these games have make them hew slightly closer to actual conflict, putting you more in that mindset in a way that the clean fun Fire Emblem doesn’t really do. Again, I want to say FE’s approach to violence in in-map gameplay is fine, but when all three of these franchises have an explicit narrative framing of ‘warfare’, it does make Fire Emblem’s narrative a little more… stretched.
Finally, I want to briefly mention the maps. To steal from a brilliant Jacob Geller video, these are Worlds Designed For Violence. At least outside of the Kaga games, the maps you fight on are primarily designed around how the player interacts with them, i.e. fights on them. While I imagine the narrative designers and artists at IntSys are involved throughout the map design process, the gameplay flow probably takes precedence most of the time. Maps are not designed to resemble realistic places that you have to fight through, they are instead designed primarily to provide fun gameplay experiences before being dressed up by the artists to look realistic/fit the specific story beat. This is a more consistently entertaining approach to map design - heaven knows we have a lot of Kaga castle assault maps which are as fun as actually assaulting an entrenched position IRL - but this lack of friction could potentially take the bite out of the intended vibe, neuter any commentary on violence throughout the story.
You may have noticed that we’ve only talked about the “in-map” gameplay for now, when there’s an entire second half of these games, i.e. all the gameplay between the maps. Don’t worry, we’ll get to all of that, but this may fit better in:

Something something “ludonarrative” something something (or Narrative Implications)

(To clarify, here I’m going to talk about the wider plots and narrative structure as opposed to characterisation, as that fits more into the aesthetics of the series)
It’s not bold to say that the narratives of games have to warp around the core gameplay structure. Especially in AAA video game production, the narrative designers usually have to take a back seat to the systems and level designers, at least outside of the initial rough outline they provide in the original game pitch. In this case, the job of the writer is to form vaguely coherent connective tissue between individual levels, setpieces and expensive pre-rendered cutscenes. This must be a very difficult job, and is probably the reason why most video game stories are the way they are. I am not privy to IntSys internal meetings, but I imagine they abide by this paradigm, trying to give a reason for why you fight 20 battles which roughly align with plot beats that were decided years ago.
Put another way, the writers of Fire Emblem must contrive a reason why the characters fight a vast number of violent battles in a strategic manner. This has a pretty easy solution - war! We have found something it’s good for, as whenever the gameplay designers decide that an extra map is required, the writers can just insert “oh no there’s a blockade of enemy soldiers in the way, guess you gotta kill them all”. This is the case for almost all the games and is a fair enough narrative choice, as it’s frankly one of the few scenarios where you could reasonably contrive so many battles, but it’s worth examining this in a bit more detail.
Even in the framing of warfare, there are still a lot of skirmishes, which sometimes the narrative or tone fails to support - or at least, their presence means that violence isn’t taken that seriously. Let’s take an example from early in Awakening: Emmeryn sends the Shepherds to negotiate an alliance with Regna Ferox. On the way, they are ambushed by Risen on the Northroad (1), have to fight the border guards who think Chrom is a bandit I think??? (2), and then after arriving they need to take part in Regna Ferox’s ritual combat to secure their alliance (3). These beats aren’t necessarily bad, and I actually think Awakening uses these opportunities quite well: the Risen are established as a constant threat to the world (except not really in the main story but that’s a whole other thing), “Marth'' gets more development, we set up Regna Ferox as fighty people who like to fight, and while the middle encounter is very tenuous it does set up a funny joke in Cynthia’s paralogue. However, I want to communicate that if the map/encounter designers need X maps between plot points A and B - in this case, needing low-stakes trials in the tutorial period - then there’s gonna be a fair bit of narrative filler. That is to say, there must be multiple combat encounters that kinda just happen, which makes violence a lot more casual in the narrative. See also the myriad examples of “oh shit random bandits attack!”, used to have a lower stakes map, with bandits appearing and vanishing as needed. This works fine enough in the context of ‘combat as sport’, allowing your favourite scrunglo to build up a triple-digit body count, but this casual attitude circumvents potentially interesting ideas with regards violence. Taking the example further, banditry and its causes are never seriously explored, as bandits are just treated as a filler enemy (except in Based As Hell Thracia 776).
Another narrative consequence of needing so many fights is that… you need to fight. That is to say, any anti-war sentiment or appeal to diplomacy in the series is fundamentally undercut by a) strategic combat being a core appeal of the series and b) narrative beats needing to be structured around fighting enemies. It’s a struggle to have moments of diplomacy and reconciliation when you had a fight within 3 minutes of said moment, lest some people start screaming that things are getting boring. This also makes any appeals to pacifism kinda moot. Xander’s quote about “war bad” in Conquest is utter bullshit, as a huge part of the marketing around that route focuses on the coolness of the tactical combat and its challenge. Eirika and Ephraim can never be equal, because Ephraim’s “fighting is fucken awesome” is encouraged by the gameplay, and Eirika can NEVER save 11037 because we need a final boss and no-one else fits the bill.
Speaking of, in video games it’s best practice to have a big bad guy you fight at the end of the story, the toughest mechanical challenge coinciding with the narrative climax. In Fire Emblem, you have one grand final battle which decides the fate of the war and/or world, before cutting to a brief wrap-up and then credits. This is an attempt to make these games satisfying, which is fine, but this is at odds with an anti-war message (which FE often gestures towards) - that is, actual wars tend to be deeply unsatisfying in a narrative sense! Oftentimes, after a decisive battle, things just kinda keep going for a little while afterwards with casualties continuing to pile up until peace terms are agreed. In the few cases where there is a final battle, it’s more of a formality as the decisive moment occurred months ago. See World War 1 and… World War 2 for examples of each, not to mention a whole host of war-related books and films. The problem with doing this in a video game is that it would require having multiple one-sided fights past the most climatic fight, which would be unfun, and we return to that fucking Reggie quote again. While video games can effectively explore this anti-war narrative space - This War of Mine is a fantastic example - it just doesn’t gel with the fun games that IntSys wants to make. I bring this up in the context of FE because Fire Emblem has such an aesthetic focus on warfare compared to other video games, so it sticks out even further. Even in FE6/FE9 where the war is effectively over in the final few maps, the enemies still remain extremely challenging, because if they didn’t things would be boring.
A few minor things that didn’t fit in above before we wrap up this section. First of all, in making an action packed story, Fire Emblem neglects an important aspect of army life in warfare - the “hurrying up and waiting”. In the majority of cases, the breaks between fights is under 10 minutes, it’s just glossed over. Fire Emblem Three Houses is the exception to this, but there it’s more framed as school life. Some people may say “what’s the point in having large amounts of timewasting where nothing happens in my game about war” and to that I would say fuck you, I want to play Jarhead Emblem. Next, Fire Emblem involves fighting people AND monsters, but these targets are typically given equal narrative weight, outside of maybe a funny line of dialogue about someone being afraid of monsters. In 99% of cases, enemy soldiers you fight have no more humanity than literal monsters. The death of any of your beloved soldiers is a tragedy with big sad death quotes, the death of those poor fuckers is quite literally a statistic which is proudly used to rank how well your guys have done at the end of the game. Finally, the limited scope of the violence the series can show limits the potential impact of scenes. In some cases, this is good as the implication is enough, e.g. the ‘Monica’ scene in Sacred Stones is wonderfully grim and would be weakened by anything explicit. However, a number of other scenes are neutered by the limitations on violence. This fundamentally relates to the aesthetics of the series:

insert prozd tweet/skit here (or Aesthetics, Tone, and Characters)

I’ve been talking a lot about ‘the violence committed’, and this might have seemed a bit weird to you. It’s a true statement, but because the violence is mostly cartoony and abstracted - bad guys disappear into nothingness, there’s no blood, etc - it’s hard to think of it in that way. It’s basically impossible to place Fire Emblem in the same artistic sphere as, say, All Quiet on the Western Front. This aesthetic sense was partially tech-limited in the early NES and SNES games, which was grandfathered into the more graphically complex titles, but it’s also related to how the aesthetics unavoidably warp the tone of the work. IntSys needs their games to be relatively lighthearted and unconcerned with the consequences of its violence, as one of the core appeals of these games is the charming cast of characters. As you would expect, it would be a lot harder to appreciate your goofy blorbos and their lighthearted chats about nothing if you could see the brutal consequences of their triple digit body counts. If violence was more realistic, there would be a lot less “ooh I like training and/or this one hyperspecific food” or “I like peace, but I guess violence may be possibly needed sometimes” and there would have to be a lot more trauma and dourness. There are also age rating concerns, as you can’t exactly sell Come And See Emblem to pre-teens. And once more, to clarify: Fire Emblem as it exists now is fine! I like the lighthearted tone of this series, and I like the characters that reside within it. However, a few problems do arise from IntSys’s approach to violence, as occasionally they brush up against darker ideas but (due to similar reasons to the above) they can never commit to them, which neuters their potential impact. This is especially troublesome with regards to characterisation, as the little dudes are a core appeal, so if something is off that could cause problems. In a sense, at points we have severe aesthetic tension.
A fairly useful case study to see how this affects characterisation is with Mozu in Fire Emblem Fates. Mozu is a charming character, a genial country bumpkin with a bit of an edge at times, who has fond memories of her hometown. This lines up with the lighthearted tone of her recruitment paralogue, where (checks notes) her entire village gets massacred by inhuman monsters, with her mother literally being murdered right in front of her, and she joins up with Corrin’s party because there is literally nothing left of her old life. I understand that people who experience extreme trauma do still manage to live meaningful lives, and that IntSys wouldn’t want to have a character who is a barely functional traumatised mess for 90% of the campaign. However, this doesn’t explain the sheer dissonance between the relatively normal and well-adjusted Mozu who quietly remembers her lost loved ones, and the fact that her village got My Lai’d a handful of weeks ago in the game’s timeline. IMO this would work a lot better if there were a few survivors (instead of literally everyone else dying), with Mozu actively choosing to leave her old life to help others instead of being forced to leave by circumstance. This reduction in scope would mitigate the dissonance between the character and what actually happens to her. This is by far the most extreme example in the series, however I’m sure you can think of others. My issue here is not with having ‘normal’ characters, or with them suffering tragedies, my issue is the dissonance between the two when viewing the scope of said tragedies. This is just one way the series wants to get into darker territory, then swiftly backing off instead of delving into the consequences.
This aesthetic restriction also affects the potential impact of dramatic scenes in the main story, limiting what the focus of these scenes can actually be. This little bit will involve heavy spoilers for Genealogy of the Holy War and Spec Ops: The Line (I KNOW THESE GAMES ARE VERY DIFFERENT WITH VERY DIFFERENT INTENDED DEMOGRAPHICS IN VERY DIFFERENT CULTURAL CONTEXTS, SHUT UP). Both have a very important narrative moment around their midpoints, involving fire magic/white phosphorus respectively. In each game, the deaths that occur are utterly horrific when you think about them. In FE4 the focus is on the drama of the plot twist and effects on the characters, with the actual effects of the violence being left to implication. We don’t know if this was the original intent of Kaga and the team, or if this was enforced by various tech- and publisher-related restrictions, but in either case we do not see anything explicit. In any case, in Spec Ops: The Line, the horror and graphic nature of the violence is completely inescapable, and therefore forms the core of the turning point of the story. The specifics of the violence itself are crucial - the game does not work if you don’t see the consequences of the white phosphorus - and it leads beautifully to the complete descent of its endgame. You may be saying “of course you couldn’t show that violence in FE, it’s a kids game” which is true, and in any case the scene in Genealogy is very good, even without showing the violence. I imagine if we get a remake in the year 202X we wouldn’t see anything explicit anyway, partially due to the publisher but also because the scene doesn’t necessarily need it. The point I am trying to make is that the aesthetics form a limitation on what Fire Emblem can explore, narrative space that the series fundamentally cannot reach.
One more thing, and this isn’t really about the games themselves but the impressions leading into them, and how the aesthetics can affect that. Do you guys remember when the intro cutscene of Three Houses was released a few weeks before release? I do, and I also remember the collective shock of the community when seeing the early previews. It was so drastically different to everything that had come before, and consequently was really intriguing - you can see a lot of speculation in the above comments. To clarify, I don’t want to pretend that 3H is some kind of super mature ultra gritty war story, or that blood = good game, but that beginning cutscene gave one hell of a first impression. Even though the game isn’t that much darker than any other FE game, the sheer unexpectedness put people off-kilter in a kinda awesome way. Does the game actually deliver? YMMV, but I think this (and some of the later cutscenes, such as the mid-game Dimitri one) work quite well. Sometimes, a little injection of harsher violence can go a long way.

Conclusion

Frankly I don’t really have a conclusion, sorry. As you can see, there are so many disparate strands, I can’t possibly make one grand thesis statement. Maybe the inherent contradictions of having warfare in a family friendly video game weakens the potential end result? I guess, but I don’t want to imply that what we have now is bad, as it is pretty good tbh. So, uhh…
…
OK, if I had to say something, it’s more about the process of making this. Having to try and think about how violence intersects with a video game you like takes you in a number of different directions. Ultimately, this process was really fulfilling for me, and I would recommend that you do the same (for FE or anything else)! Trying to analyse something you enjoy from a perspective not usually applied is pretty neat. If you guys have any thoughts (on the points above or your own), I’d be very interested to hear them!
Also, if people are interested, I’ll try to make a few case studies. I would focus on Thracia 776, Fates, and Three Houses, as (when thinking on this topic) I found that these games were consistently the most intriguing, with the most interesting relationships to violence. This would probably take a while though, as I am gonna be very busy in June, and I probably won’t have time this month either.

Added a picture to illustrate exactly where I feel the pain.
I (35M) will start by stating the following: I am going to include all background information I believe may be pertinent towards the diagnosis of this pain, and investigations that have taken place up until now. It will include me mentioning the covid vaccine. I am not an anti-vaxxer or a conspiracy theorist.
I have had this pain almost continuously since late-December 2021. Up until this point I had never had any physical or mental health issues, other than GERD which I had been taking Omeprazole for since my late teens. I had also been taking over the counter ibuprofen every day for 3 years due to a leg injury sustained in a car accident in 2017. I haven't taken any for about a year by now.
I got my second Covid booster (Pfizer) on 22nd December 2021. After having zero ill-effects from the first one, the second floored me for a couple days with strong flu-like symptoms but I was generally ok by Christmas day, other than a burning feeling in my stomach. However, as mentioned above, I have GERD so I thought nothing of it.
A few days later, the burning in my stomach had turned into more of an ache and although this was initially positioned to the upper left of my abdomen (just behind my bottom couple of ribs) it eventually settled exactly where my Xiphoid Process is. On top of this, my urine became very frothy (something that's persisted to this day) to the extent where it looked like I had been mixing it with dish soap! I became very worried about this, so called NHS24 (I am in Scotland) and got referred to emergency out of hours doctor. The took my bloods and ran a urine sample. Urine came back normal which gave me relief, and later that week the bloods came back. I can't remember exactly what was "raised" but it showed that my body had been dealing with trauma. Their solution to this was to wait it out a couple weeks, give me painkillers, and then do a new blood test to see if the levels returned to normal. They did this as planned, and by that point my bloods then showed as "normal" and NHS basically didn't want to do anything more about it.
However, for me the pain persisted and it was now the pain and location it has been ever since. It is with me all times of the day, it doesn't seem to matter if I am full or hungry, moving or sedentary. The pain is always there. Sometimes it is barely noticeable, other times it is uncomfortable but never excruciating. The only thing I have noticed that seems to make it worse is caffeine intake. Painkillers have no effect. Omeprazole has no effect. Stretching doesn't do anything. Nothing I have tried has any impact on the pain at all. When I touch/push in the area around the Xiphoid Process, it always feels tender and bruised, as if I have just taken a really hard punch the day before. It's been like that now for 3 years.
I went to my GP in Feb 22 - she ordered more bloods (looking for infection) and ordered me a chest x-ray. Again the bloods showed trauma! The x-ray didn't show anything. New round of bloods had returned to normal. At this stage, the GP didn't know what else to look at (NHS albeit a free service, are very reluctant to order additional tests they may deem as unnecessary). GP tried to say it would just go away on its own, was probably a strain in my rib cage - I work out 3 times per week, weight lifting - and threw more painkillers at me.
My job provides me with private medical care, so I went to a specialist who ordered a CT scan and more bloods. Once again the bloods showed trauma levels which suggested to him I was fighting something off in my system. The CT scan didn't show any abnormalities and the specialist basically put me on a "wait and see" solution, which was to go away for 3 months and see how I got on. I lost hope with this and eventually stopped any further medical interventions at that point. It was clear to me I wasn't about to drop down dead any time soon, and all major illnesses had been ruled out, so I left it at that. I subsequently haven't had it seen to since then, which was mid-2022. Yet some 2 years later, I still have this persistent pain.
I am wondering if anyone else has experienced similar and got anywhere with this? It's driving me crazy not knowing what is wrong with me and has me worrying about my future. I have 2 young kids and feel I am doing them a disservice by just ignoring this in case it gets worse.
TLDR Summary: Have an aching/bruised-like pain in my Xiphoid Process area for 3 years. Never goes away with different levels of severity. Had bloods, urine tests multiple times. Chest x-ray and CT, all normal apart from bloods frequently showing trauma reaction. Started almost immediately after my second Pfizer jab. Have told this to all doctors, largely ignored. Specialist did acknowledge it but admitted medical knowledge hadn't yet caught up with possible side-effects.
https://preview.redd.it/ypu6ocz8wc0d1.png?width=572&format=png&auto=webp&s=e11f91252010141e2b09851b5a2757b3d3d0327d

I had an ultrasound today and I peeked at the screen and saw the thickness labelled at 33.2. Have I read this wrong? Is this normal? I’m scared. Would cancer have been picked up on blood tests? I’m 22. I’ve been having chronic pain for two years, please someone help me understand. I have anxiety and I will worry myself into hospital without knowing what’s going on. I have to wait for 2 days for the results. I also googled and I’m even more scared.

Please be reasonable with your offers. Everything is max level and All weapons and armor are labeled after there name if it’s only 2 star.
LEGACYS
B/e/1p radium rifle
Q/e radium rifle
WEAPONS
Rifles
Aa/50c/25lvc fixer
Aa/25ff15v fixer
Aa/25ff15rl fixer
Aa/e/50BS fixer
Aa/25ff25lvc .45 submachine gun
Aa/25ff25lvc lever action
As/e/25lvc fixer
As/50hc/15rl handmade
Be25ff25lvc railway rifle
B/25ff25lvc handmade
B/25dwa/15rl fixer
B/50cd/15rl combat rifle
B/25ff15v combat rifle
B/e/15v .45 submachine gun
B/e/25lvc .45 submachine gun
Exec/25ff90rw railway rifle
Exec/e/15v 10mm submachine gun
Gs/50cd/25lvc fixer
H/50cd/25lvc handmade
I/25ff25lvc combat rifle
I/50cd/25lvc combat rifle
J/25ff90rw fixer
J/e/25lvc black powder rifle
J/e/15v 10mm submachine gun
Med/25ff15rl fixer
Med/25ff25lvc combat rifle
MS/e/25lvc fixer
Mu/50hc/25lvc fixer
Mu/25ff15rl hunting rifle
Mu/50hc/25lvc .45 submachine gun
Mu/e/25lvc .45 submachine gun
Mu/e/25lvc 10mm submachine gun
N/25ff15rl handmade
Q/50cd/15rl fixer
Q/25ff15rl fixer
Q/e/25lvc fixer
Q/50LD/15v fixer
Q/e/90rw hunting rifle
Stalk/25ff15rl lever action rifle
Sup/50cd/15rl railway rifle
Trob/50cd/25lvc fixer
Trob/50cd/15rl fixer
Ts/50hc/25lvc handmade
Ts/50vhc/25lvc fixer
Ts/25ff15rl fixer
Ts/25ff25lvc combat rifle
Ts/e/25lvc .45 submachine gun
Ts/50cd/25lvc railway rifle
V/50c/25lvc fixer
V/25ff25lvc fixer
V/25ff15c fixer
V/50cd/25lvc radium rifle
V/e/15rl 10mm submachine gun
Z/25ff15v handmade
Z/e/15v handmade
Z/25ff25lvc assault rifle
Heavys
Aa/25ff90rw .50 cal
Bee/15rl Gatling gun
B/50B/90rw minigun
B/e/1a minigun
Exec/e/25lvc LMG
Ext/e/90rw Gatling gun
N/25dwa/15rl missile launcher
Ts/e/25lvc LMG
Ts/25ff15rl gatling gun
Ts/50hc/15rl Gatling gun
Ts/25ff15v missile launcher
V/50cd/25lvc grenade launcher
V/25ffr .50 cal (2 star)
V/25ffr minigun (2 star)
Z/e .50 cal (2 star)
Z/25ff15rl .50 cal
Pistols
Aa/e/15v western revolver
Ext/50cd/25lvc single action revolver
Ms/25ff25lvc Single action revolver
Mu/25ff25lvc pipe pistol
Mu/e/15rl .44 pistol
Mu/e/90rw western revolver
Q/e/15v pipe revolver
Q/50cd/25lvc pipe bolt-action pistol
Trob/e/15v pipe bolt-action pistol
Trob/e/15rl 10mm pistol
Ts/e/15rl pipe pistol
Shotguns
B/e/15rl combat shotgun
F/e/25lvc pump shotgun
Q/e/15rl double barrel
Ts/50cd/25lvc pump shotgun
Z/50cd/25lvc combat shotgun
Z/e/25lvc pump shotgun
Melees
Aa/ss/1s walking cane
Aa/ss/90rw all-star baseball bat
Aa/ss/1s powerfist
Aa/ss/1s meat hook
Bess/90rw grogs axe
B/ss/1s powerfist
B/ss/1s bear arm
B/ss/1s meat hook
B/ss meat hook (2 star)
Exec/ss/90rw bone hammer
H/ss/1s Bowie knife
V/ss/1s assaultron blade
Z/ss/1s baseball bat
Energy Weapons
As/25ff15rl ult gatling laser
Ari/25ff15rl gauss rifle
B/25ff15rl gat plasma
B/50cd/25lvc gamma gun
F/25ff15rl gauss rifle
F/25ff90rw tesla rifle
Med/25ff15rl plasma rifle
Ms/25ff90rw Gatling laser
Q/25ff250dr plasma rifle
Q/50cd/15rl plasma rifle
Stalk/25ff15v gauss rifle
Sup/50cd/15v gauss rifle
Ts/25ff25lvc gamma gun
Ts/25ff25lvc gauss rifle
Ts/25ff15v plasma rifle
V/25ff90rw gat plasma
ARMOR SETS
Bol/ap/sent heavy leather set
Uny/ap/htd heavy leather set
ARMOR
Assassins
As/ap/htd marine CP
As/1e/htd heavy combat LL
As/1L/sent USA LL
auto-stim
Au/ap/awr FSA RL
Au/1p/sent marine RA
Bolstering
B/1p/awr FSA LL
B/1e/wwr heavy combat RL
B/1c/sent sturdy metal LA
B/1s/cav sturdy metal RA
B/ap/sent sturdy raider CP
B/ap/htd FSA CP
B/ap/LD FSA LA
B/1i/sent USA CP
Chameleon
Ch/rwwr heavy leather RA
Ch/edsent heavy metal LA
Ch/1a/htd heavy robot RL
Cloaking
Cl/1s/wwr sturdy combat CP
Cl/psent marine LA
Cl/1c/sent trapper LL
Life-Saving
Ls/1i/sent raider CP
Ls/1L/cav heavy raider CP
Mutant slayers
Ms/1L/sent USA LA
Mutants
Mu/ap/wwr combat LA
Mu/10%ht/htd FSA LA
Mu/pwwr wood LA
Nocturnal
N/ap/sent marine LA
N/ap/htd USA LL
N/rwwr USA RL
Regenerating
ap/wwr USA RA
pcav FSA LA
Troubleshooters
Trob/ap/jwr FSA LL
Trob/ap/cav heavy robot LA
Unyielding
Uny/1L/htd heavy robot RL
Uny/1e/htd heavy robot CP
Uny/edfdc wr marine LL
Uny/ap/sent heavy combat CP
Vanguard
V/ap/wwr sturdy robot LL
Weightless
W/psent heavy raider LA
W/ap/cav sturdy raider RA
POWER ARMOR
Nocturnal
N/1s/sent ultracite RA
N/1i/jwr raider LA
Regenerating
1s/cav T-45 RL
Vanguard
Van/rsent excavator CP
Van/1i/cav ultracite LL
APPAREL
Asylum outfits (blue, brown, green, pink, forest)
Black hazmat suit
Blood eagle set (x2)
Bomber jacket
BOS jumpsuit (x2)
Brotherhood spec ops set
Deathclaw hunter set
Fasnacht Brahmin mask (x2)
Fasnacht buffoon mask
Fasnacht crazy guy mask
Fasnacht demon mask
Fasnacht Deathclaw mask
Fasnacht raven mask (x2)
Fasnacht winterman mask (x2)
Garrhan former set
Grafton monster mask
Hunters long coat
Imposter sheepsquatch set
Jacko pant suit (x3)
Jacko short suit (x3)
Jaguar pant suit
Leather coat (x3)
Longshoreman outfit
Pirate set (x3)
Reclaimed deep mining gas mask
Ritual bindings and mask
Sheepsquatch mascot set
Soiled Mr. Fuzzy set
Straight jacket clean
Swamp camp hazmat suit
Traveling leather coat
Treasure hunter set
Tulip sky blue pant suit
Vault-Tec jumpsuit
Western outfit
Whitesprings jumpsuit (x4)
Wrapped cap

In my household, everyone has their own chores: my 16yo daughter does the dishes, my 14yo son takes care of the dog, my husband cooks, I clean. This is a system we have devised that has always worked and has facilitated our lifestyles.
I used to do the laundry but I recently got promoted (2 months ago) and we decided to split up the laundry tasks as it was too time consuming for me to do everything. My daughter was in charge of machines (wash and dryer), my son was in charge of hand washing delicates, I did the ironing and my husband did the folding. However, we just discovered that our son hasn’t been doing his job for the underwear because he felt too “uncomfortable”.
I noticed that most of my underwear was shrinking and that some clothes had blood spots on them, so I realized that he had been mixing my period underwear with other clothes in the laundry machine. I confronted him about this and he said that he was grossed out by my blood and that it felt wrong for him to clean it out. His sister has been washing her own underwear this whole time because she doesn’t want anyone to touch hers but my husband and I don’t mind, it is just our children.
I washed everyone’s underwear before without complaining but my son has been cheating our household system because he is lazy and is too immature to understand the menstrual cycle as a natural process that can’t be controlled. I told him that since he is disgusted by natural bodily processes like periods, discharge or even sweating, he will have to do his own laundry on his own and will receive no help from us. My husband thinks that this is too harsh and my children are “repulsed by my logic” but I don’t see what’s wrong.
So, am I the a-hole?

TikTok has revealed a new feature that it will be able to label videos and images automatically which are made using artificial intelligence. The system of labeling this is called "Content Credentials" and it uses digital watermarking technology which was developed by the Coalition for Content Provenance and Authenticity. It incorporates the metadata to the AI-generated content, thus TikTok is able to detect and label it immediately. At first, it will be for images and videos, but later on, it will be for audio-only content also.
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I…Without a source in void…Blank nothingness, no substance, material solidified, primordial concepts birthed from a dreaming consciousness left alone for immeasurable time… It was fear of the fragility to make existence…The first semblance of identity, already assumed the highest of dreamer, and miraculous freewill, a potential probability of "OM" unraveling. To vocally create after the amassed power to do so, could be a mistake of hellish surrealism, a failure of truth if it was to last eternity-should the beginning entities choose evil by choice, as made to believe, they're finite beings…inconceivable forever is a God… The perfection becomes the most vast elaboration conceivable, and, with a noise so loudly ultimate, the voice splices through the nothingness with a bang so violent, a literal universe awakens into momentary coalescence, attracting itself together into form at ultimate light speed, and yet slows down into a divisional amount of substances eventually labeled…linear, motion and time arrived…All of them asked if it was a perversion…no straight lines, folding on itself…ya, I smoke weed in my basement… The smartest said a vibratory process in an elastic inert medium, filling up universal space…a visible manifestation of a whole spectrum of electromagnetic waves, it's condensed hard, mixed within itself, from the inside out even made to expand…Gravitational warps, mass balls of weight create autobons, super highways ships can travel…sun's are harnessed, free energy exists, the utopian reality becomes actuality…some can only survive so long without destroying themselves before thousands of years fighting to survive…entire star systems or planets are capable to mobilize themselves into safety zones, remaining self sustaining and untouched by anything harmful for millions of years…in a bright future we'll never be "in"… "Swat!Smack!!!"...fly guts on my acrylic painting…cat urine soaked spotted drywall underneath the drop ceiling of a basement cellar attempt of a rental... space heater warmth resting on a concrete block of stone cold landlord profiteering, profit on an unbreathable musk heap. Mold permeates, damp dirt on a fresh spring rain, draining wetness into it... downloads of WiFi network binge watching the phone for t.v...Bi-law Officer's want to see me drooling on a pillow scratching my nut's in a torn up empty room, to drop an investigative neighbor's complaint of dwelling in decrepitude, that lowers the value of their home...at least my landlord isn't knocking with a human skin costume-because he's really a giant cockroach looking for "Orion's Belt", no, he's looking for regular handjobs from my ex's, and I know this from an eight minute recording of his request, obligingly sent to me from one of them...there are no bug's in the basement, just centipedes and daddy long legs, plus flies, attracted to the poop stained carpet above the bowing drywall, above me... there's no vent cover as the metal pops out through support beam's fitted with the heat tubes terribly hollow, this space is industrial...my particle board door has a dent two inches deep from a rock an ex took to it...it's about four inches thicker on the bottom, water has warped the wood to not close properly…I'm underground enough to survive like a roach in nukes,.though..Joe's apartment had company… People die of respiratory illness due to bedbugs or roach's...Overweight people run health stores, or give "qualified advice" for dietary athleticism…The most easiest of jobs make the most money, as nepotist's live as kings and queens upon the slavery of the less. The division is social and darwinian, brutality, and dominance…and it's a fluke for an individual to charm or be born into the luxurious…the unshared fullness may even morally be the great undoing… It is fear to lose such comfort or control. The very thought of equal entity implies shared power, and that is power to destroy. Why trust the loving power of another??? An epic story of hypocrisy and chosen specials… Dialectical psychosis to believe the purity is real. In cloud's to finally catch up to the surface of this original "bang", the noise gets louder…and I pop through the thought subjugated…big inhale… The entrance door, swelling out from the makeshift framing, jarring a gap that no seal's could fix. It's letting in breezes uncomfortable and chilling, and to get to that entrance, is a steep wooden step set that looks rather haunting... I was frightened I might have ended up in a freezer bag when I viewed the place before renting...took it because it was cheap, and I'd be alone with the grace of freedom, since a God's given none...the doorway is jarring to every female that's attempted a visit in this "abode", and bid farewell... I hear Shakespeare's dogs bark, the cat's patter as Ken's bus bird's chirp, flying over the nest, ambulance sirens, neighbor's arguing, and we have raccoons and squirrels inside, scratching and defecating along with the mice in almost every wall…it's Noah's Ark again…