On June 4 another series drop will happen. It's FAR from good enough. 12 cards are dropping series rank with 5 of those cards dropping down to the all-important series 3. The last time we had a series drop was on January 9. Exactly 21 weeks before June 4. Yes that is correct 12 series drops after 21 weeks. If ALL of them went down to s3, we would still have more cards entering the s4/s5 paywall than entering it. 21 weeks means 21 cards for 21 weeks and 5 cards for the 5 months passed. We are NOT getting 12 cards, we are getting 5.
Note: On January we got both a season pass card AND a weekly card for January 3 so I'm not double counting anything. Let's detail what's been added. Feel free to skip the table but I think it illustrates the problem well
Edit: Because of formatting issues, I had to remove the table. Please check the link below to see what it is supposed to look like starting from Hercules ending with Thena to see that except for Meik, every card we have gotten in between series drops have been series 5 except Meik
Thank you to Marvel Snap Zone for the data. I thought it made little sense to put Gilgamesh in the list as he won't be a spotlight card before the release of the series drop. We have 27 cards released with only 1 of them being in series 4. It takes 2 series drops for a card in s5 to enter s3. It takes a VERY long time to get enough tokens to buy a SINGLE card from the token shop assuming you don't get unlucky with the keys or pay money to get more tokens. Regardless, here is the math for how many series drops we should have in order to reach equilibrium. (2* series 5 cards released between drops) + series 4 cards released between drops. In this case that is (2*26)+1=53 series drops.
And we got 12 instead!
If this happened between the release of Supergiant and Cull Obsidian back in FEBRUARY, then the June series drop list is justifiable. If this was 4 times as good, we would still see inflation in cards locked behind the spotlight paywall. Today of the 271 cards in the game, 1/4 are locked behind the spotlight cache paywall. Expect that number to grow if this pattern continues. When the series drops happen, don't be happy about them giving you a month's supply of water, be upset that they gave you a month's supply of water after a 5-month long drought as they prepare to deprive you of water once again for a similar length of time.

So over the last week I’ve been creating a free pattern for instagram. Last night I finished the pattern and before posting the news , I had a quick hunt for other creators who might’ve done the same animal as me to make sure they weren’t similar. I thought mine was unique and found the creator in question AFTER creating my pattern. Anyway, today she messages me saying I’ve stolen an “eye patch design” that goes on her animal. The shape in question is just an oval and is featured on at least 10+ different patterns I found from a quick search of this same animal, and she certainly was not the first.
She’s saying I copied her but I only found her content afterwards. The pattern for our patch’s are totally different despite the fact they both start with a chain (of different chain amounts) and turn into an oval. But at the end of the day, there’s only so many ways to make an oval.
Please help I have no idea what to do going forward because if anything, she’s copied other creators!

It's very common to have conflicted feelings towards your abusive ex, as they're someone who has had an impact on your life and you may have even shared some good times together. When you're physically attracted to someone, you feel drawn to them even when you despise them. Physical attraction is a normal phenomenon, and you can be attracted to someone because of the chemistry you had with them, familiarity, preferences, or just some other subconscious desires.
Those aspects don’t fade away even when you despise or hate someone; the attraction can still linger. However, it doesn't mean that you cannot move on. The healing process often involves grappling with the negative emotions that arise when you realize you're still attracted to them. It's normal to feel attracted to someone, even if you don't want to be with them. But when you resist or deny that attraction, it can lead to inner conflict and resentment. It's like telling yourself you shouldn't feel that way, but denying your true emotions
You're not allowing yourself to truly feel the actual thing that's happening, which is the physical attraction. That's why sometimes, when it comes to moving on, no contact or even moving to a different place really helps, because sometimes the power of physical attraction or the chemistry you still had with them will pull you back towards them, and you'll find yourself sharing the same bed with them or just having those feelings for them.
That's why sometimes it's necessary to have that distance, because with distance, those feelings will fade away over time. But don't be too hard on yourself if you still feel physically attracted to your ex. It's completely normal, given your shared past experiences and the things you once liked about them. Appreciating certain physical features is also natural. What's unnatural is the feeling of resentment or despising yourself because of it.
What you really need to work on is the negative emotions that arise. Healing isn't about eliminating the attraction altogether. Instead, it's about addressing those negative emotions that surface when you think about, see, or feel attracted to your ex. Once you confront and process those emotions, you may still feel a hint of attraction at times, but it won't evoke the same negative reaction in you. You won't hate yourself, but rather see it as a passing feeling. While attraction may fade with time, it's crucial to focus on working through feelings of anger and resentment so they don't bother you as much. You can acknowledge the attraction, appreciate their good looks, and simply move forward with your life.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

In the fast-paced world of finance, brokerage firms face numerous challenges, one of the most critical being the accurate and timely reconciliation of brokerage payouts. The process of matching payouts to their respective transactions can be cumbersome, error-prone, and time-consuming when done manually. However, with the advent of advanced technologies, the landscape is changing. More and more firms are now turning to technological solutions to streamline their payout reconciliation processes, thereby enhancing accuracy, efficiency, and client satisfaction.

Understanding Brokerage Payout Reconciliation

Brokerage payout reconciliation involves verifying that the payments made to brokers for their services align with the agreed-upon transactions and commissions. This process ensures that there are no discrepancies between what is owed and what is paid, safeguarding against financial loss and maintaining transparency, which is crucial for building trust with clients and maintaining regulatory compliance.

The Technological Advantage

Technology plays a pivotal role in modernizing the payout reconciliation process. By automating the reconciliation tasks, technology helps reduce human error and significantly speeds up the process. Key technological advancements that have transformed payout reconciliation include:

Automated Matching Systems

These systems automatically compare broker payouts against transaction records, quickly identifying mismatches and discrepancies. This not only speeds up the reconciliation process but also reduces the likelihood of errors.

Real-Time Data Processing

Modern systems process data in real time, providing immediate feedback and allowing for quick corrections. This is crucial in a dynamic environment where transaction volumes are high, and speed is of the essence.

Advanced Analytics

Technology enables firms to use analytics to gain insights into payout patterns, identify potential issues before they become problematic, and optimize payout structures based on empirical data.

Cloud-Based Solutions

With cloud technology, brokerage firms can ensure that their payout reconciliation processes are scalable and accessible from anywhere, providing flexibility and the ability to quickly adapt to changing market conditions.

Winsoft's SmartPayout: A Case in Point

A prime example of technological innovation in this area is Winsoft's SmartPayout. This automated Brokerage Payout Reconciliation Solution is designed specifically for Asset Management Companies. It ensures accurate reconciliation at the transaction level for distributors, handling brokerage payouts across different broker categories and commission types.
By automating the reconciliation process, SmartPayout not only minimizes errors but also frees up valuable resources, allowing firms to focus more on strategic activities rather than routine operational tasks.

The Broader Impact of Technology on Financial Operations

The integration of technology in financial processes like brokerage payout reconciliation represents a broader trend toward digital transformation in the banking and financial sectors. Winsoft, with its suite of solutions, including SmartPayout, is at the forefront of this transformation. The company offers a range of banking and financial solutions designed to meet the diverse needs of modern financial institutions. Whether it’s improving operational efficiencies, enhancing customer service, or ensuring compliance with regulations, Winsoft’s technologies pave the way for a more streamlined, efficient, and transparent financial landscape.
The role of technology in streamlining brokerage payout reconciliation cannot be overstated. As financial markets continue to evolve and grow more complex, the need for robust, scalable, and efficient technological solutions like those provided by Winsoft will only become more critical. By embracing these technologies, brokerage firms can ensure accuracy, enhance efficiency, and maintain the trust of their clients, all while staying competitive in a fast-evolving industry.
In the fast-paced world of finance, brokerage firms face numerous challenges, one of the most critical being the accurate and timely reconciliation of brokerage payouts. The process of matching payouts to their respective transactions can be cumbersome, error-prone, and time-consuming when done manually. However, with the advent of advanced technologies, the landscape is changing. More and more firms are now turning to technological solutions to streamline their payout reconciliation processes, thereby enhancing accuracy, efficiency, and client satisfaction.

Understanding Brokerage Payout Reconciliation

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

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★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

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★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

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★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

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★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

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★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

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★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

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★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

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★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

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★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

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★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

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★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

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★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

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★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

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★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

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★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

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★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

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★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

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★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

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★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Ramese's Reach, Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Apep's Curse, Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Mummy's Rot, Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Black Nile, Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Steel Delta, Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Waters of Nephthys, Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Eye of Horus, Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (ScaraB Rush, Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Sobek's Bite, Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Copper Coated, Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Paris 2023, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches

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In the quiet confines of their Jamestown home, Ashley's day unfolds against the backdrop of Erik's looming presence, a figure shrouded in the shadows of his past. As he languishes in his bedroom, a tangible aura of tension hangs heavy in the air, signaling yet another bout of discord between the couple.
For Ashley, the strains of their relationship play out in the intimate confines of her live streams, offering glimpses into the complexities of their dynamic. Muted interludes punctuate the broadcast as she navigates heated exchanges with Erik, their disagreements casting long shadows over the day's proceedings.
The specter of Ashley's long-abandoned red car serves as a poignant reminder of past tribulations, a tangible artifact of unresolved conflict resurfacing amidst the turmoil of their present reality. Yet, it is Erik's enigmatic past that casts the longest shadow over their lives, his notoriety in Jamestown's local drug scene a topic fraught with unanswered questions and uneasy implications.
Whispers of Erik's past as "Kilo," a moniker bestowed upon him by the older denizens of Jamestown for his purported importance in the drug world, linger in the recesses of Ashley's mind. Was it the allure of his notoriety that initially drew her in, or the promise of stability amidst the chaos of her own life? As she grapples with the complexities of their relationship, Ashley finds herself confronting uncomfortable truths about her own desires and aspirations.
As the day wears on, observations about the shifting patterns of Ashley's live streams spark speculation among her followers, prompting whispers of constraint and coercion lurking beneath the surface. Is Ashley truly free to live her life on her own terms, or is she bound by the invisible chains of Erik's influence and control?
Against this backdrop of uncertainty and unease, Ashley's appearance serves as a poignant reflection of her inner turmoil. Her once vibrant demeanor now bears the weight of her struggles, a silent testament to the toll taken by her tumultuous relationship with Erik. As she retreats into the quiet solitude of her bedroom, the soft glow of her phone screen casting fleeting shadows across her face, Ashley succumbs to exhaustion, drifting into a fitful sleep amidst a tangle of blankets and cables, her four phones cradled in her arms like precious lifelines in the darkness of the night. And as the world outside fades into oblivion, Ashley is left to confront the ghosts of her past and the uncertainties of her future in the solitary sanctuary of her dreams.

Feel free to make art of these redesigns and give criticism of the designs
Redesigns: Heatblast Redesign: Sleeker with magma-like veins glowing beneath his rocky exterior. Equipment: Volcanic Gauntlets that enhance his fire abilities. Outfit: A flame-retardant suit with a core reactor symbol on the chest.
Diamondhead Redesign: Crystalline armor with reflective surfaces and sharper edges. Equipment: A crystal shield that can morph into different defensive shapes. Outfit: A suit with geometric patterns that shimmer with a diamond-like brilliance.
XLR8 Redesign: More aerodynamic with streamlined armor and a visor for high-speed travel. Equipment: Turbo boots that leave a trail of blue energy when he sprints. Outfit: A racing suit with a sleek helmet that has a retractable visor.
Fourarms Redesign: Bulkier with reinforced joints for extra strength. Equipment: Heavy-duty gauntlets that can smash through barriers. Outfit: A gladiator-inspired ensemble with a belt displaying his alien number.
Stinkfly Redesign: Brighter colors with translucent wings and bioluminescent spots. Equipment: A harness that helps distribute healing mist more effectively. Outfit: A lightweight suit that glows in the dark, highlighting his flight path.
Upgrade Redesign: Futuristic with a sleek metallic finish and circuit patterns. Equipment: A modular backpack that can transform into various tech gadgets. Outfit: A tech-suit that integrates with his body, allowing for seamless transformations.
Ghostfreak Redesign: More ethereal with a ghostly aura and chains that represent his phasing ability. Equipment: Ectoplasmic chains that can extend and bind enemies. Outfit: A tattered cloak that billows as if always caught in an otherworldly wind.
Snare-oh Redesign: Ancient Egyptian motifs with hieroglyphs etched into his bandages. Equipment: Ankh-shaped gauntlets that enhance his sand powers. Outfit: A pharaoh’s headdress that symbolizes his regal presence on the battlefield.
Frankenstrike Redesign: More industrial with visible bolts and conductive wiring. Equipment: A pair of Tesla coil shoulder pads that amplify his electric attacks. Outfit: A patchwork suit that resembles a mad scientist’s lab coat.
Eye Guy Redesign: Eyes of varying sizes with adaptive irises for different vision modes. Equipment: A visor that coordinates his eye beams for precision strikes. Outfit: A suit with lens patterns that focus his ocular energy.
Swampfire Redesign: More plant-like with vibrant green foliage and fiery red flowers. Equipment: Compost Gauntlets that enhance his regenerative abilities. Outfit: A botanical suit with leaf patterns and a fiery emblem on the chest.
Echo-Echo Redesign: Sleek and white with sound wave patterns across his body. Equipment: Sonic Amplifiers that boost his sound-based attacks. Outfit: A suit with a sound equalizer display that reacts to his sonic screams.
Humongosaur Redesign: Dinosaur-like with armored plating and a more pronounced tail. Equipment: Meteor Hammer fists that increase his smashing power. Outfit: A prehistoric-themed armor set with bone and rock elements.
Jetray Redesign: More streamlined with sharper wings and a jet engine-like back. Equipment: Aero Fins that improve his maneuverability in the air. Outfit: A flight suit with a sleek helmet and goggles for high-altitude visibility.
Big Chill Redesign: Ghostly with icy blue tones and frost-covered wings. Equipment: Frostbite Claws that leave a chilling effect on enemies. Outfit: A cloak that shimmers like thin ice and leaves a trail of frost.
Brainstorm Redesign: Brain-like patterns with neural connectors and a brighter shell. Equipment: Cerebral Enhancer that increases his psychic abilities. Outfit: A lab coat with a brainwave pattern and a utility belt for gadgets.
Goop Redesign: More viscous with glowing internal organs visible within. Equipment: Polarity Boots that allow him to stick to surfaces and maintain shape. Outfit: A containment suit that helps him keep form and focus his attacks.
Spidermonkey Redesign: More arachnid with additional eyes and spikier fur. Equipment: Web Slingers that shoot stronger and stickier webs. Outfit: A stealth suit with a spider emblem and grip-enhancing gloves and boots.
Loadstar Redesign: Magnetic with a core that glows when using his powers. Equipment: Gravitational Greaves that enhance his magnetic field control. Outfit: An armored suit with polarized plates that attract and repel metal.
Rath Redesign: Fiercer with more pronounced claws and tiger-like stripes. Equipment: Rage Amplifiers that boost his strength when his health is low. Outfit: A luchador-inspired costume with a mask that embodies his wild spirit.
Water Hazard Redesign: More aquatic with a sleeker, streamlined body and gill-like structures. Equipment: Aqua Cannons that can shoot high-pressure water streams. Outfit: A wetsuit with hydrodynamic patterns and a water drop emblem.
Ampfibian Redesign: More translucent with visible bio-electric currents flowing through his body. Equipment: Electro-Flippers that increase swimming speed and maneuverability. Outfit: A suit with neon trims that pulse with his electric charge.
Armodrillo Redesign: Bulkier with reinforced armor plating and drill bits. Equipment: Seismic Boots that enhance ground-shaking abilities. Outfit: A miner’s outfit with a helmet light and a rugged utility belt.
NRG Redesign: Glowing core with a more robust containment suit. Equipment: Reactor Gauntlets that can channel and shoot nuclear energy. Outfit: A radiation suit with a warning symbol and energy-absorbing layers.
Terraspin Redesign: Shell patterns resembling wind turbines and more pronounced fins. Equipment: Cyclone Discs that can be thrown to create gusts of wind. Outfit: An aviator jacket with a turtle shell pattern and wind direction arrows.
Clockwork Redesign: More gears and clockwork mechanisms visible with a timeless finish. Equipment: Chrono Keys that can unlock temporal abilities. Outfit: A steampunk-inspired suit with brass accents and a pocket watch.
Jury Rigg Redesign: More mechanical with tools integrated into his limbs. Equipment: Wrecking Ratchets that increase his dismantling speed. Outfit: A mechanic’s jumpsuit with patches and a tool belt.
Chamalien Redesign: More chameleon-like with adaptive skin that changes patterns. Equipment: Camo Cloak that enhances his stealth capabilities. Outfit: A suit with a chameleon scale motif that shifts colors with his movements.
Feedback Redesign: More electrically charged with pulsating energy lines across his body. Equipment: Antenna Arrays that increase the range and power of his electrical attacks. Outfit: A suit with circuitry patterns that glow with stored energy.
Bloxx Redesign: Modular with interlocking blocks that can reconfigure on the fly. Equipment: Building Bracers that allow for quicker construction of barriers and structures. Outfit: A construction-themed outfit with a hard hat emblem and utility belt.
Ball Weevil Redesign: Brighter colors with a more pronounced spherical body for rolling. Equipment: Plasma Cores that create larger and more potent explosive orbs. Outfit: A sleek suit with orb patterns and a visor that helps target his plasma globes.
Pesky Dust Redesign: Fairy-like with more delicate wings and a dreamy aura. Equipment: Dreamcatcher Net that can capture and amplify his sleep-inducing dust. Outfit: A mystical robe with star and moon motifs that enhance his magical presence.
Atomix Redesign: Radiant with a mini-reactor core and energy veins visible on his body. Equipment: Fusion Gauntlets that stabilize and focus his nuclear energy. Outfit: A hazard suit with a reactor symbol and protective plating.
Gutrot Redesign: Chemical tanks visible on his body with tubes connecting to his gauntlets. Equipment: Diffuser Mask that spreads his gases over a wider area. Outfit: A biochemical suit with a respirator and hazard symbols.
Whampire Redesign: More vampiric with bat-like features and a darker color scheme. Equipment: Echo-Locator Goggles that help him navigate and hunt in the dark. Outfit: A gothic cloak with a high collar and a clasp shaped like a bat.
Shocksquash Redesign: Bulkier with coils and capacitors integrated into his limbs. Equipment: Shock Boots that generate electricity with each stomp. Outfit: An electrified suit with lightning bolt patterns and insulated gloves.
Wildmutt Redesign: Enhanced sensory nodes and a more streamlined body for agility. Equipment: Sonic Collar that amplifies his roars and tracking abilities. Outfit: A sleek suit with padded armor to protect while maintaining flexibility.
Grey Matter Redesign: More pronounced cranial features and brighter skin to highlight his intelligence. Equipment: Quantum Computer Backpack that assists with hacking and strategy. Outfit: A miniaturized lab coat with various gadget holsters.
Ripjaws Redesign: Sharper teeth and fins, with a bioluminescent glow for underwater combat. Equipment: Aqua Jetpack that allows for swift movements in and out of water. Outfit: A reinforced diving suit with pressure resistance for deep-sea excursions.
Cannonbolt Redesign: A more aerodynamic shell with reinforced plating for rolling attacks. Equipment: Momentum Wheels that increase speed and control during rolls. Outfit: A racing stripe motif with impact-absorbing materials.
Wildvine Redesign: Thicker vines and a broader range of plant-like features. Equipment: Photosynthesis Boosters that enhance healing and growth abilities. Outfit: A botanical armor set with leafy camouflage.
Spitter Redesign: More pronounced glands and a wider mouth for his spitting attacks. Equipment: Hydration Pack that keeps him primed for slime production. Outfit: A moisture-retaining suit that helps in slime regeneration.
Buzzshock Redesign: Brighter electrical arcs and a more compact body for zipping around. Equipment: Static Amplifiers that boost his electrical output. Outfit: A suit with conductive pathways that glow with stored electricity.
Blitzwolfer Redesign: More pronounced fangs and claws, with a darker, more intimidating appearance. Equipment: Lunar Lenses that enhance his night vision and howling range. Outfit: A tattered cape that billows as he moves, adding to his fearsome presence.
Upchuck Redesign: A wider mouth and a more robust digestive system visible on his belly. Equipment: Digestive Accelerators that allow for quicker consumption and energy conversion. Outfit: A suit with reinforced areas around the stomach to handle his expansive appetite.
Ditto Redesign: Brighter colors and more expressive faces to differentiate his clones. Equipment: Cloning Belt that enhances the stability and independence of each clone. Outfit: A uniform with a number system to keep track of his duplicates.
Waybig Redesign: Cosmic patterns on his skin and a more imposing stature. Equipment: Stellar Stabilizers that help him maintain balance and leverage his size. Outfit: A suit with celestial motifs that reflect his cosmic origins.
Arctiguana Redesign: Icier appearance with sharper spines and a more pronounced frill. Equipment: Cryo Converters that enhance his ice beam’s freezing capabilities. Outfit: An insulated suit that protects him from overheating and helps focus his cold powers.
Chromastone Redesign: More prismatic with a crystalline structure that refracts light. Equipment: Prism Gauntlets that enhance his energy absorption and refraction abilities. Outfit: A suit with angular, reflective panels that mimic his crystalline form.
Alien X Redesign: Cosmic and ethereal with starry patterns that shift and change. Equipment: Celestial Scepter that focuses his reality-warping powers. Outfit: A robe that seems to contain a piece of the universe, complete with twinkling stars.
Nanomech Redesign: Sleeker with more advanced nanotechnology features. Equipment: Micro-Assembler that allows him to construct various devices on the fly. Outfit: A tech-enhanced suit that adjusts to his size changes.
Fasttrack Redesign: Streamlined with aerodynamic features for enhanced speed. Equipment: Velocity Vambraces that boost his speed and agility. Outfit: A racing suit with dynamic lines that glow when he accelerates.
Eatle Redesign: Bulkier with a reinforced exoskeleton and sharper mandibles. Equipment: Digestive Reinforcement Belt that aids in processing consumed materials. Outfit: A utility belt with compartments for storing consumed materials.
Gravattack Redesign: More planetary with a core that glows like a molten core. Equipment: Graviton Anchor that helps him control his gravitational fields. Outfit: A suit with orbiting bands that represent his control over gravity.
Crashhopper Redesign: More insectoid with enhanced leg hydraulics for powerful jumps. Equipment: Impact Dampeners that protect him during high-velocity landings. Outfit: A suit with spring-loaded accents that highlight his leaping abilities.
Walkatrout Redesign: More amphibious with sleek scales and a streamlined body. Equipment: Aqua-Dynamic Fins that improve his swimming and maneuverability. Outfit: A wetsuit with a slippery surface to aid in evasive maneuvers.
Molestache Redesign: More distinguished with a larger, more versatile mustache. Equipment: Mustache Combs that can be used as weapons or tools. Outfit: A Victorian-style suit with a bow tie and a monocle for a touch of class.
The Worst Redesign: Tougher looking with visible scars and a more rugged appearance. Equipment: Resilience Amplifiers that make him even harder to take down. Outfit: A battered suit that looks like it’s been through many battles.
Kickin Hawk Redesign: Sharper talons and more pronounced feathers for a fiercer look. Equipment: Talon Enhancers that increase the power of his kicks. Outfit: A martial arts gi with feathered accents that flutter as he moves.
Toepick Redesign: Darker and more ominous with a face that’s hidden until revealed. Equipment: Fear Inducers that amplify the terror he instills in enemies. Outfit: A cloak that shrouds him in mystery, only opening to unleash his frightful visage.
Astrodactyl Redesign: More alien with wing membranes that glow with cosmic energy. Equipment: Jetpack Harness that enhances his flight and energy projection. Outfit: A suit with aerodynamic features and a helmet with a visor for space travel.
Bullfrag Redesign: More muscular with amphibious traits and a tougher skin texture. Equipment: Strength Enhancers that boost his physical prowess. Outfit: A tactical vest with various pouches for carrying mission essentials.

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I don't really no where to start. I feel I've lost myself, consumed with anxiety and guilt and fear and regret and I fear, this new fear, that it's going to be the end of me if I don't start to get it out in some way, shape or form.
I guess I'll begin at the beginning...
​
I had a difficult childhood with fairly neglectful parents. A mother who openly expressed she never felt she really stepped into her mom shoes until she gave birth to my younger sister, who is three years younger than me. She is my only sibling. My mother told me when I was a kid that she "had to love me", but when my sister came around "she was finally a mother and over the moon", or simply "I always always wanted a girl". I'm not sure if this could be attributed to Post-partum depression, not that she ever researched that or was daignosed with it. That's probably just me trying to pardon my mother or something to the effect. She was 17 when she had me and I'm sure times were different then, my parents both were raised religious, father christian, mother mormon. Maybe their guilt. I ask myself why they brought me into this world if I wasn't wanted to begin with. Or, give me up for adoption to a set of guardians that would have loved me better. I know I was an accident and that's not what gets me down, I get that life be lifing and what happened happened. My difficulties stem from the feeling that my presence never gave my mother any sense of purpose, responsibility or love, or concern. She was emotionally unavailable to me virtually my entire life and I feel like that caused many issues later in my life and how I perceive myself and what I deserve. Coupled with the fact that my neglect met such extremes that I am frankly shocked that I was never picked up by child care services, maybe things were different in the 90's. I'm not sure, I was just a child then.
Much of my upbringing I didn't receive a lot of the things most people would consider essential. As a baby my crib was the sock drawer, then I grew large enough to have a closet, then slept on the floor of a walk-in closet, then I had a single bed from what I recall for maybe a year or maybe two years and I remember feeling metal springs poke me in the my ribs and I recall it being uncomfortable enough for me to move back to sleeping on the floor next to the ratty old used mattress my father found from who knows where. I remember feeling like I had to keep that secret, that the mattress they gave me was uncomfortable enough for me to sneak sleeping on the floor next to it. I think I was really afraid as coming across as ungrateful. My father came from a third world country, so the "gratefullness issue" was address frequently by my mom because "I don't have it even half as bad as what my father had to endure. And she was probably right. But it just silenced me ultimately, didn't put things into a mature context for me. I just learned that I can't complain about anything ever. Anyway, that trend didn't really change when I grew older. grade 9-10 I was sleeping on the living room couch so my sister could have privacy and a bedroom to exist in for herself - which I realize is important for an individual so I encouraged her to have the bedroom. Although I figured my parents expected me to do this for my sister regardless. I was okay with making sacrfices for those I love, it was instilled in me from a very very young age.
I do feel like my father took advantage of me in the form of labour as well, having to do custodial work with my father from 10pm to 3am, at two highschools I believe he was contracted, at that young age I honestly enjoyed just spending time with my father I think, working alongside him. When I was in grade 2 and 3 I had garbage bag duty for all the students bathrooms, and I remember loving snapping the bags open by rushing air into the bag and making it blow up like a baloon. I remember the scary unlit shadowy hallways that I couldn't perceive the ends of. No bodies to see, it felt eerie but exciting in a way - like it was a whole different world.
School was a different experience for me. It was very stressful, my parents had to move a few times a year because they would dodge rent or just generally be selfish with their dual income. They loved to party hard on the weekends. I remember wondering why my father did this to himself all the time. Hoping that we could spend quality time on a saturday, but he wouldnt get out of bed until just before dinner. I didn't really understand hangovers or alcoholism and how it meant our plans would get cancelled. I think I remember trying to wrap my head around willful self-poisoning for entertainment and how could that be more enjoyable then spending time with your son? I couldn't tell my mother why I was so sad about it. Why I didn't want to move again and again and again. Why I found it so difficult to make new friends everytime I had to switch schools. Why I couldn't just do one single full school year with one class of students. It was so hard and at the time, I didn't know anything different. It was so hard to make friends and I think it created this approach to making a "new family" of friends when I became a teenager and young adult.
​
I remember always wanting to be a "good kid". The "best kid" for my parents. I feel like my parents attached this moniker to me that made things harder for me to mature into a rounded adult later in life. My parents always flaunted me as this point of accomplishment, the accomplishment that I was "so extremely well behaved". I would strive to be super polite, and a good host, try to help out when my parents had their friends over, literally fill their cups when the opportunity presented themselves. I think I did this because I must have made the conclusion that if I was quiet, super polite, helpful and useful then I had value. That I could be loved. That I could earn this love from my parents through acts of service.
I remember feeling like my sister and I had extremely different experiences growing up. When my parents were at work I took care of her, cleaned and cooked. one time my sister told my mom to eff off when she was 5 and I was 8. My mind was blown. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had the bravery and courage to defy my mother. Looking back, my sister was just mirroring the language she learned from my parents from whenever they fought. I remembering seriously worrying and getting scared that my father was going to belt her, or use the coat hanger, which was his preference with me. I feel like my mom was always checked out and I'm hurt that she allowed my father to take his rage out on me. That my mom could care less about me being beat, but never my sibling. It was very confusing and difficult for me to process. Not that I really processed it much as a kid. I honestly just wanted to be loved and be the best child possible. Honestly though, 'm seriously so glad that my sister was spared all of that complete non-sense. I don't wish that on anyone in the world. There were some punishments where he would walk in and tell me to pull my pants down without explanation. I have memories of tearing up and saying I didn't know why this was happening, asking what I did wrong and he would just remind me that if I resisted then I would get it worse and to hurry up and get ready. My father has since apologized. I think it is how he was raised. I didn't know what to say in response, but I told him I loved him and it's in the past. But I don't know if I was being honest when I said that. My mother would still gaslight me to this day if any of this became topic of discussion, not that I'm guessing. A year ago she told me that much of my pained memories were false and this never happened. My father on the other hand typically stays pensive and unchallenging.
It seems so damned crazy writing all of this out, it feels like a heartbreaking novel and not my life at all. But it was and is my life. I have difficulties opening up and expressing my feelings and advocating for myself when the moments are true and appropriate to do so. I know it's the healthier way to communicate, but I was literally taught to stay quiet and be useful. Fast forward 20-25 years and I'm going to be 35 and I feel like just ending it all. Every year my birthday passes and I'll get a text from my family happy birthday. But they know I'm in a difficult place, they know I miss them, they know I love them and forgive them, I try the high road whenever I can but I just don't see the point anymore. they won't celebrate my life and existence, but they'll throw family gatherings for each other, birthdays, christmas, fathers day and mothers day.
On that note, another mother's day has recently passed and my mother never invited me over, I texted my father three weeks in advance in hopes of securing a time to come over and celebrate my mothers life with my family as a family. I felt particularly stung this mother's day when they celebrated and didn't text or call to invite me over. I live in the same small town so it's easy to hop over. I literally live three blocks away.
Anyway, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over christmas this year and I have been worrying for my mother ever since and thinking about my life with her and the mortal coil and the finite mount of time I may have with her. I feel like there is a large empty part in my heart that wishes my mother and I could go grab a coffee together. She can show me her ipad app art that she has been really excited about for a couple years now. She loves showing off her digital art and I love seeing her joy and how proud she is about her art. I just don't know why she couldn't feel the same for me, her only son. Maybe I'm just a her dissapointment.
I dropped out of highschool and left the family home when I was 16. I just couldn't work for my dad during the night AND go to highschool AND socialize. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was highschool and my parents didn't really care about that at all. They were just... fine with it. they supported my sister through college and she was fortunately able to graduate with a veterinary degree of sorts. she still lives with them now as she pays off her student debt, but I left and travelled and worked on music for over a decade so I admit that I was entirely out of the family picture for some time. But as I get older, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my parents I fear that that is precisely what's been creeping up in my life.
five years ago I met the absolute most wonderful human being and I am so lucky to have my partner in my life. She and I are engaged now and set to be married. I hoped that the news would overwhelm my parents with excitement and joy. Maybe a facebook post about their son, share some family pictures or something. But they did nothing at all. I think they showed off pictures of the trip to Mexico that week instead.
I just don't really understand how I'm this unworthy of their love and unfortunately now I'm realizing that illusion that I am unworthy has infected my relationship with my fiance. I love her so much but when I can't fix everything in her life I feel like I am the failure and the guilt overhelms me so much and the guilt is such a strong motivator for me, and it usually motivates me into becoming the biggest doormat in the world. I've never worked harder for a relationship or invested this much energy. I feel she deserves it. But I don't advocate for myself. So I build up resentment. Like I clean the house constantly and work and help bail out of her bad spending habits and cover her rent without question and this and that. To be clear, she doesn't take advantage of me and that's not how I feel about it. But I do let this annoyance build up inside of me because I don't know how to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. I'm scared I'll lose the person if I speak up, or I'll be gaslit. Again, that's not my partner that gaslights. That's just generally how I feel I'll be treated if I open up with people. It all goes back to my childhood. It's affected every friendship and work relationship I've had since.
When I was 20-ish, 15 years years ago I did the classic, "seek the relationship that most comfortably fits into the patterns you experienced with your parents". And so I trapped myself in a horrific and extremely damaging relationship with a girl I'll call K. She has undiagnosed bipolaBPD, she would never seek help but self-medicate. She ended up in the hospital maybe four times for self-harming and this where she was considered to have these diseases by a few doctors on different occasions. Anway, it turned into a relationship of abuse and it wasn't exactly new territory for me. I was ashamed in that 8 year relationship. I wanted out so bad, but she would threaten to unalive everytime I tried to get away. Of course, some weeks would go by and i would get my hair pulled out of my scalp, a knife waving in the air in front of my face, spat in the face, kicked, punched, bit, a pot of freshly boiled ramen soup thrown in my face and eyes. What's worse is that I seeked police intervention on multiple occasions. Every single time the police visited, they talked me out of pressing charges, asking me " well if she doesn't have any place to go, then do you have a place you can stay at, or the shelter?". twice they talked me out of a restraining order, that legal proceedings would take forever. Adn de-escalting me from wanting to take measures to ensure my safety because she may end up on the street as a result. To this day, I absolutely wish I advocated for myself here and pushed for a restraining order. I'm so mad at myself for not doing so.
Unfortunately, fast forward a couple years into that relationship and one evening everything would finally hit the fan. I told her to never touch me again and I absolutely meant it. she had just yanked out the largest chunk of my hair to date, to the point where my scalp was bleeding and I could even see epidermal matter still attached to the folicle ends that were in her clenched fingers. My head bled a bit and I pushed her off of me. Telling her that I needed to leave, that I was walking to my secure jam space just a 10 minute walk away. It had a leather couch in a cold concrete basement, but hey at least I would be safe for the night and I could play my drums and try and blow off this anxiety and fear in a way that was safe albeit very noisy.
She hated that I wanted to leave and convinced herself I would never return. To be fair, that was the energy I had. I never wanted to see her face again and have her name on my lips after that night. So her tactic was simple, to threaten me with calling the cops and tell them that I violently pushed her. I called her bluff and said "go ahead and I will just tell them everything you've done - yet again. All I am doing is going to the space to sleep, I said, maybe play drums." She called the cops and told them she was pushed into a wall, and she felt very unsafe. Which yes, I did push her off me when she attacked me. In the past, I tried various tactics, to run away didn't work, she just always chased me down. Or sometimes I would just sit there while she was violent against me and I just "dissapeared" kind of like how I would when my dad used his coat hanger. This time, I just pushed her off of me, I was done with the relationship at that point and we both knew it. Anyway, she called the police, they arrived and when questioned I told them that I pushed her off of me in self-defence. I was drinking that night and it didn't help my case as I was arrested without question that evening and I was charged on the spot without question with domestic assault. It devasted me. I asked the police how this could happen lawfully. That she is an abuser and there is a history of this multiple times. That I've requested a restraining order. They explained that in quebec the laws are a little different and in the case domestic cases, if there is a male aggressor against a female, then the male is automatically charged to the fullest extent. I was absolutelyu devasted by this. I can't tell you the amount of fear and anger I felt in that jail cell that night.
I feel so incredibly betrayed by the justice system, keep in mind, this is law that from what I understand is only in Quebec, I was there for music at the time with an old friend whom I am no longer in contact with. I don't think the rest of the country operates under law in this way. Now I appreciate that they are vigilant about woman abuse victims, but the law shouldn't be this absurdly biased. It just doesnt feel just and fair to me. Covert abusers shouldn't be able to take advantage of the justice system in this way, but it happens.
It was an awful experience, I was homeless for a couple months afterward, not allowed to retrieve my belongings, so I lost all of my life "crap" that I had built up, years of hardwork and investment. I mention this because I realize later in life that I have intense collecting behaviour. maybe as a self-soothing behaviour. But I love building up collections of my hobby stuff as I have many and I feel they keep me regulated and it's a form of therapy for me. In any case, I lost everything when I left that whole situation. It sucks, although ultimately it's clearly best that I got out of that dreadful circumstance. I flew across the country to my hometown and to be closer to my family and old friends from highschool. It's quite a small town mind you.
Unfortunately, my classic tendency to hide and not advocate for myself created an opportunity for my abusive ex. A year following those events, despite me assuring her that I had to block her because I flew away to start a new life provinces away. That I wished her the best. That I even promised I would never tell a soul what she did to me. Not to mention that unfortunately we live in a society where nobody really has an ounce of sympathy for a male abuse victim. I had every intention to keep that promise, but she couldn't trust me ultimately. I think her logic was maybe to just beat her ex to "the punch". Kill or be killed or something like that. I don't live my life like that so I don't really know what her plan was. But she made a bunch of posts on various social media platforms for all of our mutual friends, music friends, coworkers etc. that the relationship was over and she was free. That she got out of a cycle of abuse and she was ready to start a new chapter of her life. She never used my name, just that she was glad she got away from her toxic and abusive ex once and for all.
It was exactly like that night a year prior, she threatened me with this outcome she could design for me, and I called her on her bluff by saying I was still going to block her and I can't control what she does with her life or how she conducts herself, but that I was out and to never contact me ever again. She made me regret that decision.
The posts she made that day got so many likes and support from so many of our mutual friends, even musician mates that were closer to me than her, and it absolutely destroyed me, not just internally but socially. I no longer make music anymore and it hurts to go outside into the world because it feels like everybody sees me as this monster. And still I don't have a voice to inform anyone otherwise - except my family and my fiance. I have no friends anymore. They all left my life with the belief that I did all of these horrible and awful things.
I just don't trust people anymore as a result and it's just caused me to become extremely bitter and depressed. I ruminate on the past, maybe in attempts to fix the past so I can move on. So I could do better, so I don't have to punish myself for my mistakes in the past. But it just reopens every emotional wound I have and they never get a chance to heal. That was maybe 7 years ago now and I'm still replaying these events in my head every single morning for about 1 - 2 hrs. Then I go completely numb for the majority of the rest of the day, shallow breathing, and the mildest sadness that mascarades as fatigue and disinterest.
There are some days where I seriously fear for the future and I just feel like every cruel soul will inherit this earth and that's the future, they built this world of suffering and they deserve to inherit it. Their toxic flag staked so deep into the earth in reclamation. The future isn't holding any seats for people like us. I'm so heartbroken and defeated. I feel like white-wolfing my fiance because she deserves better than this traumatized person that hides from the world. I feel like giving her my collection of collections so she can sell it all off and pay off her 10k of credit debt, then with this act of kindness I can go out not feeling like a guilt-ridden defeated loser. And leave on a high note.
When I'm alone, I get trapped in these ruminating cycles and it's the angriest I ever get. It's reached the point where I feel like I am actually reliving all this past trauma every morning and I can't do it anymore. I just feel like I am so at the end of whatever this ride was.
I don't have any friends anymore and everyone but my fiance thinks I am a monster and it's just unbearable.
I just don't even know. I am even afraid that someone will read this post and suss through all of this and make the connection. Then I'll get another new email or random throwaway account with an insta message that says "I told you you would never be able to get over me. You can move on, but you will never be able to erase the past. Never truly. You know where to find me."
It's haunting and it's poisonous. I just feel haunted and poisoned and I don't know if there is a snake oil potent enough or antitode true enough to get me back to the generous, lighthearted, energetic kid I once was.
To whoever was willing to read through all of this, thank you for hearing me out. I don't know what advice I am even asking for here. I'm hoping just speaking this out into the world in some way can alleviate this misery. I don't know.

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If anyone have any question or wants to share your insights please feel free to ask.

I (37M) spend most of my time working at a desk or chasing after and picking up little, wriggling children. Over time, these activities have taken a toll on my body. There’s just a baseline level of pain and discomfort to it. I try to lift weights and stay active as best I can, but it only helps so much.
So, in the interest of trading money for an improved quality of life, I’m considering finding a chiropractor to see regularly. Someone who’s an expert in functional movements and common ways those patterns get messed up. Someone who can guide me through some root cause analysis for my pain, and get me pain-free again. But, for whatever reason, these types of practitioners are, for insurance purposes, rarely in-network. So it’s going to be expensive. I hate that.
I assume the physical issues I’m having are endemic to workaholics (read: HENRYs). So my questions to this group are:

1. Who here has had a positive experience seeing a chiropractor for general, overall health and wellness (as opposed to a specific issue, like back pain)? How did it play out? How has your life improved? Hearing such experiences will probably help convince me to take to time to seek a good one out.
2. How would I know a good chiropractor from a bad one? What should I be on the lookout for? There are schools and certs and such, to be sure, but I don’t really know the good ones from the bad. And there’s a lot of variability in the field.

Specific recommendations (bay area) are great too, although not exactly what I’m here for.
**EDIT** Okay, apparently the term 'chiropractor' is quite loaded, and probably isn't exactly what I meant anyway. I'm more looking for someone who's an expert in functional movements and can help me understand what about my movement patterns is causing the pain. Doesn't need to be a chiropractor. Previously I've tried to working with physical therapists and trainers, but I haven't found them to be particularly beneficial in this regard. Most physical therapists I've found specialize in trauma/surgery recovery (which I thankfully don't need) and most trainers I've seen tend to focus on specific sports or sport-related movement types- not everyday sorts of movement patterns.
If there's some other professional field I should be investigating here, I'd appreciate a pointer.

Overview

In this presentation, OpenAI's Mira Murati introduces the latest advancements in their AI technology, specifically focusing on the new iteration named GPT-4o. The session includes announcements, live demonstrations, and interactions with the audience to showcase the capabilities of GPT-4o.

Key Announcements

Accessibility and Usability Enhancements
Mira highlights OpenAI's commitment to making advanced AI tools broadly accessible. Significant efforts are being made to reduce friction in using ChatGPT's capabilities, including the introduction of a desktop version that is simpler and more natural to use (21s). This approach ensures that everyone, regardless of their user status (free or paid), can benefit from the latest AI technology.
Launch of GPT-4o
The core of Mira's announcement is the launch of GPT-4o, a new flagship model of ChatGPT that brings the advanced intelligence of GPT-4 to a broader audience, including free users (1m 5s). GPT-4o aims to improve the ease and naturalness of AI interactions, marking a significant step forward in machine-human collaboration.
Demonstrations of GPT-4o Capabilities
Mira and her team demonstrate various features of GPT-4o, emphasizing its improved performance across text, vision, and audio:
Voice Capabilities
Mark Chen and Barrett Zoph showcase the real-time conversational abilities of GPT-4o, highlighting how it can handle interruptions, pick up on emotions, and generate responses with varied emotional tones (9m 33s).

• Deep Breathing Exercise: Mark demonstrates how ChatGPT can assist with calming techniques through real-time feedback on breathing patterns (10m 21s).
• Bedtime Story: ChatGPT tells a bedtime story in different tones and styles, showcasing its dynamic range in voice generation (12m 18s).

Vision Capabilities
The vision capabilities of GPT-4o enable it to interpret and interact with visual content.

• Solving Math Problems: Barrett uses ChatGPT to solve a linear equation written on paper. ChatGPT provides step-by-step guidance, demonstrating its ability to assist with educational tasks (14m 21s).
• Code Analysis: Mark shows how GPT-4o can analyze code snippets and generate detailed explanations. This feature helps users understand and debug complex code (18m 25s).

Real-Time Translation
The model's capability for real-time translation is tested by translating between English and Italian seamlessly, enabling communication in multilingual scenarios (22m 55s).
Emotion Detection
Barrett tests if GPT-4o can determine emotions from facial expressions. ChatGPT successfully identifies happiness and cheerfulness from a selfie, indicating its potential in understanding human emotions through vision (23m 44s).
Future Prospects and Wrap-Up
Mira concludes by emphasizing the OpenAI team's dedication to progressing AI technology responsibly and effectively. She expresses gratitude to the OpenAI team and partners for their efforts and contributions. The session wraps up with anticipation for future updates and innovations (25m 20s).
The presentation illustrates GPT-4o's enhanced capabilities in natural language processing, real-time interaction, and multimodal understanding, reflecting OpenAI’s ongoing commitment to making advanced AI technology accessible and user-friendly.
https://www.anytldr.com/summary/introducing-gpt-4o/f-Ip5MP3YQIu6q6l

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I am 30M and have identified and experienced life as a straight man, had relationships, sex, fooling around, crushes, etc, on women. I consider myself to be secure in my sexuality and socially progressive/an educated Queer-Ally and I work in a field dominated by queer people. Most people are surprised to find out that I identify (or do I?) as straight.
Turns out, I have a massive crush on this guy. Like, randomly-smitten-and-he-lives-rent-free-in-my-head. This is a new experience for me. I’m physically and emotionally attracted to everything about him. Like, I cannot wait to see him, talk to him, be in his presence, thought about kissing him, etc.
So, strangers of Reddit, what the hell is going on?
We’re working together and I want to keep things professional and make sure he feels safe around and not creeped out by me (as I would with anyone). He’s also professional, but very touchy and friendly and usually, when men get too touchy/flirty with me, I do NOT enjoy it and I shrink away from them, but I actually leaned into him when he initiated touch (he did not pull away). I WANT to touch him and be touched in a non-creepy way right now. First time for everything, I guess? I know he identifies as some kind of queer and he shares many of the qualities that I look fothe pattern of personality (and even physical - he's not remotely girly and definitely gorgeous) traits in the girls I’ve dated.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this (if anything), but I’m kinda going “what the hell?” As I go about my daily life. I’ve been denying it for a couple weeks, but I finally admitted to myself that I really like him and that I’m really happy when I’m around him. The idea of interacting with another dick is repulsive/terrifying, to me (not in an "ew that's gay" way, but in a "this piece of machinery freaks me out") and I’m uncertain if this will evolve into a more positive outlook). At the same time, I am sexually attracted to him. It's confusing and exhausting.
The idea of identifying as “a little bi” or “heteroflexible” or even biromantic/heterosexual is still totally foreign, but I'm open to it. I’m not trying to put any labels on anything yet and my number one priority is protecting him and not being a total creep towards him.
I may be thinking too far ahead, but say he likes me back — I don’t want to burden him with me figuring out how I identify, my own repression and internalized phobias (which I am working hard to identify and rid myself of regardless), and I do not want to break his heart if I lose feelings and/or wake up one morning and realize that I want to be with a woman/miss sex with women and hurt him in the process. I’m randomly smitten and deeply confused.
Why am I obsessed with how he smells and the thought of running my fingers through his hair?
This is such a weird feeling. And no, I’ve never been able to sit in chairs properly. I do enjoy The Mummy, but I've seen it like twice? Unrelated…..?