Hear me out.
30 years ago fuel taxes were a great plan for road funding. Big heavy cars often guzzled fuel and smaller lighter hatchbacks used a bit less. Equally, in most cases, the wear and tear on the road would be proportional to the weight of the vehicle so the taxes equally shared the contribution to repairs.
Fast forward to the past decade, and the introduction of hybrid and other technologies has massively decreased fuel usage - and therefore fuel tax revenue. Brand new hybrid hatches like the Toyota Yaris boast 3.4L/100km, and SUVs are close at approx 5L/100km or a little more.
Compare this to a 1990 Corolla which burned 10.7L/100km, and a 1990 Pajero with a startling 17L/100km
The inadvertent outcome is that older cars, which typically cost less and therefore are owned by poorer families, contribute much more towards the roads with their average consumption. And when the roads need more money - taxes go up - and guess who pays more? Yup. Poorer people.
Petrol road taxes have actually become a tax on the poor.
What I propose is a digital RUC system in every vehicle. This should be updated easily online without putting cards in the windshield, and can be cross checked during WOF and ensure its up to date.
The exact charges you pay should be calculated very fairly based on the empty weight x size x distance traveled of the vehicle.
Then all road charges are universally fair because you pay for the road repairs based on how big and heavy your car is, and how far you travel.

Hello,
In short, I have a good relationship. My girlfriend and I love each other very much, we have tons of things in common, tons of things to talk about, and if we were both people who just wanted to finish school, get a job, have some kids and be good with life, everything would be peachy.
But that's not the case. We both want to achieve more in life. My girlfriend has her own online business that she's about to start earning money with, and I have my writing going on. Problem is; my girlfriend has a big problem. Work ethic. Sure, it's her business, but I'm spending my limited free time (I have a full time day job) trying to help her keep this one bomber partner she has, that she can be earning money with very soon, good money, good for a startup business that just got started. I'm talking about 'I could maybe quit my job, stay home and just help her out with that' kind of money. Earning money with this partner would give me more free time, and I could finally spend some proper hours a day writing again.
I wish things were this easy, but it seems I'm the one who has to do the heavy lifting for the company while she's trying out dozens of plans to get a routine going; without a routine, she can't work apparently. This usually means trying out something for a day or two, then slowly quitting and going back to spending too much of her time watching shorts/reels whatever internet bs. Meanwhile I work 8 hours a day, plus 3 hours of writing if I'm lucky, plus anywhere between 2-3 hours of working on the business. The rest of the time is spend dealing with daily tasks, or keeping her company and entertained because she's an expat, and even though we both aren't the uber social types, I feel guilty knowing she doesn't have her own friends living here.
In short; not only is my time to chase my dreams limited because I'm working full time to support the both of us (she is at a stage where she could look for work too), but the things my girlfriend is trying out, like starting her own business (on which she'd obviously work while I'm out of the house at work too), are actively keeping me away from my writing more, because not only does she not really do any work for it, I'M the one who has to keep the whole thing afloat. On top of that I do half the chores and can very easily be led astray by her if she wants to do something else or spent time with me because I feel guilty for her situation.
What do I do here? Should I just let the partnership she has die? That would free up some of my time, but preferably I'd have a chance at it earning me more free time in the hopefully near future. Even yesterday, after coming home from a late evening shift of 8 hours (at like 11 pm), I had to sit down until 3 am to videocall with partner she has, and do some of the work, while I was planning on doing some writing and going to sleep relatively early so I could get out early, leading to me only being able to get up at 8 this morning, and then immediately being railroaded into an almost 2 hour talking session while I have to get back to work at 2:30 pm (this doesn't mean that after the convo, so like at 10, I could continue writing. No, this means that after we're done talking, she goes on her phone, and I find myself being too stressed to write, out of fear of losing that partner and that potential income stream, so I'm automatically drawn to working on the business).
Things I've tried to fix her; having patience and allowing her to do her thing for weeks, maybe months.
Confronting her and telling her how I feel about things, several steps away from begging her to just do her part about caring for us.
Trying to give her tips and help her set goals to get started.
None of these worked, and aside from just letting her be, the other plans of action just seem to make her upset and feel like a failure.
TLDR: girlfriend has horrible work ethic problems.

Indrajaal successfully demonstrates the curtain of the misconception which is created by the Indian God Indra. The miracle of the net enables taming of the creatures and amassing the power to enslave and command other living beings by bending their minds. In the ancient India, Vashikaran was the great technique that used to be the ruler’s and suitor’s invincible tool for gaining power over another person along with the help of the mystical ways. Sur Indrajaal Vashikaran includes the mind, emotion, relationship, and magical event manifestation through the using of mystical or supernatural powers.
Indrajaal Vashikaran
Origins and History
Indrajaal Vashikaran is believed to have been born in the Indian lands from the very ancient times. When the wandering sages and saints invented rituals, sorcery, black magic and charms, they intended to gain mastery over the happenings and people. Also, the Hindu holy books and texts as well as the ancient western spiritual traditions present such references as to mind control techniques. Through generations, the masters of the hidden vashikaran, handed down the techniques that were based on oral communication which was guarded day and night until today.
Back in the medieval ages, kings and rulers wanted to be the magical masters to do yog sadhanas and control their enemies. Myths describe us of their special rituals which are reserved for powerful witches of their tribe used dolls, artifacts, gems and herbs. Kath Bahador was even a court astrologer of the emperors of the Mughal dynasty, who was full of magic and mysticism that was used to gain access to their superiors.
Not only the smart people could communicate with the spirits using such spells. And outside the professional level, people too experimented: for instance, to repair their love, relationships, riches, and success, they used vashikaran. The last variable we can mention is the esoteric science of Indrajaal Vashikaran which is the most used science in Indian subcontinent.
How It Works?
Indrajaal Vashikaran is based on the idea that there is a cosmic energy that binds everything in this universe together. Through meditating one could achieve this by unconsciously concentrating all one's spiritual power without following any specific types of poojaas, havans, rituals or the meanings of the mantras and other objects to the desired person.
And so, one can assert that social interaction is not merely about picking up someone's belongings such as hair, nails, or clothes but it also involves an act of ritual in which the energy linkage is believed to be formed. Not only the services of phantom chants, yantras, crystals or photographs but also they play an amazing role in this process. I through equal parts of devoted belief, visualizing images vividly, and praying to either gods or their opposites, the process of shrinking the will of the other person begins.
The Practitioners
There are people who are born to be good practicing black magic in some parts of the country and are known to be Vashikaran specialists. They are known as masters of the mental manipulations. Many let the word vashikaran be associated with them and others take baba, guru and magicians as conjurers and shoddy magicians. Apart from them different assemblies and love spells employ the same methods such as tying lemons, chilies, using ashes and so on.
When it is about the extraordinary means to make a living and the turning points of one's career, one may need to be informed with something specific and personal only. These tantriks are the invisible asset in the policy of the conspiring politicians during elections in favor of their desirable candidates to produce a satisfactory result. Altogether, there are ornaments that have privacy related to gemstones, rudrakshas, money, wealth, and relationships.
In this area there exists the misgivings of frauds and cheats where a person promises something that never happens. To have entanglement with a good person right from the beginning is vital if you are going to look for a vashikaran specialist.
Controversies Around It
In spite of the fact that astrology has been practiced for many years, this conflict remains an issue whose point of contention is just as valid as always. The argument put forth by her opponents is that it is unethical magic, which is manipulative and is performed against the person who has no free will.
Furthermore, the instances of people being financially abused to think that vashikaran is a technique which can be used to control others are now many. The lady is involved unfairly in the Vashikaran which she has nothing to do with rather she is the one that is charged with the serious accusations.
But, they admit that the Olympians do not interfere with someone's being or fate unless needed. This is how they see it: undoubtedly the use of one's brain, desire, and lead conduct into the way another person think. A child thinks about a parent the exact way as a parent thinks for a child. Teachers play a central role in a student's achievement helping them gain more knowledge.
Those participants treat each other imaginatively as they can just to please one another. We can say that vashikaran is a concentrated form of this nature power that can be described by the metaphor in the poetic form, manifesting in the physical and mental levels both of the sorcerer and the target person.
The offbeat element of Indrajaal Vashikaran has been to inspire my thinking with attention for a long time. The same thing applies to both the small and the strong powers; they must rely on wisdom and caution so that the evil of good is not done.
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Hello,
I bought RDR2 recently and basically I'm looking for a way to unlock everything in online and be set without having to grind. I haven't played the game yet so I don't really know how stuff works (gold bars, animals and stuff like that I've seen in some recovery video). What would be my best course of action? My friend also wants to try it with me, but he doesn't have an account. Would it be the best to buy a modded account in his case or do I buy a menu and then we share it to get all the quick progress options? If menu, which one offers the options we need and how much would it be? I saw that they have a 1 day license so would that be enough to get everything or do you have to take it slowly to avoid getting banned? Also, what would be an amout of in game currency that is enough to get everything while not making it obvious that it's modded? Thank you for your time reading this. (The game in my head was completely abandoned by Rockstar after they stopped giving it updates, but I saw in some posts on this subreddit that there was a ban wave so I have no clue what to do)

Im in a very confusing situation and I really need some outside perspective if this is even worth continuing. First off we have a quite big age gap I (30F) and him (20m) have met 2 1/2 years ago. He made himself older and I didn’t question it because his looks and personality are giving mid 20s. Pls do not come at me for it, I was struggling very hard myself with this age gap and feelings of guilt. His family knows, my family knows and everybody is okay with it because everyone can see that we genuinely click. (No weird power dynamic) I do think his age is a big factor in this situation but maybe I’m just excusing him.
My boyfriend has a kink that led him to contact an uncountable amount of women. He basically cheated the whole time ( only online) but everything was purely based on his fetish. Everytime I found out he swore not to do it again. And I found out he did it again and again and again. Everytime he begged me not to leave him and I begged him to stop, it’s not like I could not fulfill his fantasy, so I really didn’t understand. He also used it as a way to hurt me because he would send me screenshots of it when I wanted to end the relationship. Everytime I tried to leave the relationship he turned into a different person…very very mean and unusual behavior for him. He says he doesn’t care about the kink anymore but he feels like he is not enough for me and this is giving him some sort of comfort and ego push. Like he’s filling a hole writing all these women. He says he is weak and I am strong and this is giving him some sort of power. You may wonder what the confusing part is. My boyfriend is a very sweet guy. Very affectionate, does everything for me (except being faithful) with a lot of patience, he never tried to turn the situation on to me or made me ever feel bad for being sad about what happened. (Apart from me wanting to break up, he would be in a anger rage for like 2 hours) He would talk to me about the same issue a 100th time without being annoyed or anything. At one point I thought he’s a narcissist but he never made me feel like walking on eggshells or anything. I can address every concern and he always tells me that he is the one with the problem and that he wants to change. There is not one day where he doesn’t tell me that he loves me. When we are together we are like best friends. I never bonded with somebody the we we bond. He feels like home to home to me, which is kinda sad. But well..
He tells his family that I’m his soulmate and that he wants to marry me one day and that he does not want to be that person anymore. His mum knows about the issue. He confessed to her that he did all of this stuff. I’m having a very hard time because I don’t understand how u could do that to someone u love so much. He is now going to therapy but honestly he can be a very manipulative person and very good at lying so I’m afraid this is just a tactic for him. I love him dearly but I’m afraid he is just using me for whatever reason and that I’m just falling for the biggest manipulator in the world.

Always wanted to post this but the official AITA thread was always too intimidating so here I am. I'll try not to ramble too much but buckle up as this spans several years.
I met my BFF on an online video game when I was 14. Back then, people were rather harsh to girl gamers but he always stood up for me which caused us to grow closer. Let's call this friend B and he was a year older than me.
B and I grew to be close friends as we grew. He helped me through some really bad mental spots and I did my best for him in return despite our distance. When I was about 17, B got engaged to his GF. His GF never really liked me and made him limit his time gaming with me. This resulted in me realizing my feelings for him. I decided to tell him said feelings as we never really hid things from each other. I told him that I didn't expect him to like me back since he was engaged and that I just wanted to get it off my chest. He thanked me for not hiding it and we carried on like nothing happened. Eventually, B's engagement fell apart but we still remained as friends and nothing more. I was content with this.
At some point, I decided to move in with my ex gf and drove 20 hours with my brother to do so. I quickly regreted this as it was hell on earth. My ex would always threaten to commit unalive whenever I hinted at breaking up.
I vented to B about this one night, admitting I was at my wits end. He knew I had been trying to break up with her for a while. Suddenly, B confessed that he loved me. I was taken aback as it had been almost 4 years since my confession and we never discussed it since. I asked if he was serious and if he meant it as a friend and he said no. He meant romantically. I was over the moon. My heart felt so light. This gave me the push to finally break up with my gf and to have the police on speed dial if something happened. Thankfully, she just cried and left and her grandparents came to get her stuff.
We were 6 months into our lease at this point so my brother and I had to plan what to do next. I asked if he wanted to move to the state B lived in since neither of us wanted to turn tail and run home. He agreed. Its important to note that B and I were not dating at this point. We were being flirty but that's about it. Once we decided to move to B's state I asked him about being official and he said once we moved in together. Again, I was excited.
6 months later and we made the drive to our new apartment with B. Things were great for the first month and B was being affectionate and sweet. I was happy.
Here's where shit hits the fan:
I learned that another online friend of mine had become homeless. Let's call her S. I had only know S for a few years at this point but I was both a bleeding heart and a people pleaser so I asked them if they wanted to move in with us and share my room. She agreed. Prior to her moving in, I had her join us for some online gaming so everyone could get to know each other prior to moving in. B and S really got along but B is really good about getting along with people so I wasn't surprised. They even began to play games without me which was fine as I trusted B.
When I got home from picking up S from the airport, I saw B sleeping on the couch. I was confused and he had left her a hand written note saying stuff about how it had been a long day so he was giving up his bed for her for tonight. I thought it was sweet and left it alone.
I'll take this time to mention that we didn't have a room for S. I offered to share my room or give her the master closet. I know that sounds bad but it was big enough to fit a twin size bed in there and some. We were all early 20s and S really wanted somewhere to live so it was all we could do. Before moving in, S had actually AGREED to the closet idea so she could have her own space.
Not long after S moved in, I noticed a lot of B's attention focused on her. I was a bit hurt but said nothing. Not long later, they began sharing a room as S claimed she never agreed to the closet deal. Being the people pleaser I was, I let it go. I was in denial. B wouldn't hurt me and he still gave kisses goodbye when he left. I thought it was all fine.
That was until B's cat batted an empty box of condoms out into the hallway from B's room.
B and I never had sex. We had never even discussed it. He was a bit religious so I never brought it up. This broke me. My head finally put 2 and 2 together. I broke down. I went into B's room and destroyed 10 years worth of crafts I made for him and left the pieces on the floor. My brother did his best to console me until they got home. I demanded to know what was going on and B admitted to lying about loving me. My heart broke. I sobbed, begging to know why and he said it was to get me to break up with my ex faster. I loved this man for so long and he hurt me like this? I was inconsolable. Living there was hell after that. Little issues turned into big fights with S backing up B and my brother backing me up. Eventually, my brother forfeited his half of the deposit so we could get off the lease and move. We couldn't move far but I had to get away from him. My friends were gone.
A few months after we moved out, B contacted me, apologizing for what he did and how he acted after we found out. This contact was in the form of a hand written note inside a sketch book I had left that he dropped off at my work. He wanted to hang out and I said fine. "Offer to buy me food and I'll be there." Money was tight at the time so I wanted compensation.
Every time after that, they would buy me something to eat when we hung out. I could never get the disgust out of my mouth from being around them. Oh, and S never apologized for what she did. She knew we were dating or at least that I THOUGHT we were dating but she still went for him and never told me what was going on.
Right before the pandemic closed the world down, I moved back home. I had totaled my car and just couldn't afford to live there anymore. Once home, B asked to play games online like the good ole days. I tried but I was at my breaking point as a people pleaser and just didn't care anymore. After a couple of sessions, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore as my trust was completely gone. I told him while I accepted his apology, I didn't forgive him. He said ok. I left the voice chat and unfriended him. I haven't heard from him since.
Its been 4 years since then and it still hurts. He had been with me through my entire teenage and young adult years. What I find interesting is that when I tell this story to people, they call me a jerk. A lot of B's friends cut contact with me after it all happened too. They say he was really remorseful and that I should have given him a second chance. This incident caused me to lose all of my friends at the time, making 2020 even harder to get through. Was I wrong to drop my BFF over a lie?

Chapter 1: the event
It was the fall of my intern year as I bean my off service trauma rotation. This month was ubiquitously notorious for being the most labor intrusive and least productive rotaion of our emergency medicine program. Knowing this I entered with the intention of simply surviving the month.
Another intern and I let’s call them A for sake of ambiguity, we’re the first emergency medicine residents to roste on the trauma services that year. A shaky start would be an understatement. In the words of chance the raper “like my grama with the Parkinson’s playing operation.” Would better describe it. Medically we did well. We were very competent and completed our work daily, but communication and coordination was non existent. Our Cheifs had informed us that Tuesday was our day of and the Trauma cheif residents had minimum communication with us, or our Cheifs as it seams when A and I did not report on Tuesday they sternly made their dissatisfaction known.
I have struggled with insomnia sense the age of 10. Had 2 sleep studies by this point in my life and been prescribed nearly every sleeping aid on the market. The 80-94 hr work weeks of our trauma rotaion only worsened my insomnia. My lack of sleep likely contributed to a less than prime adaptive immune system and 2 days out of my trauma rotaion I contracted strep like symptoms with associated nausea, requiring me to call for a sick day the next day. No the first day that I felt too ill to work. I was not fully aware of the reporting process. I reported to my Chiefs, but I did not believe I could come to work tomorrow with amble time and notice, however I was somewhat delayed in letting their Cheifs know, because the surgical chiefs rotated every few days and I did not know who my was going to be the next day. The second day which I had to call out sick I was able to locate the cheif for the next day and reprot according to our university’s protocol, which requires that if a resident feels they are not fit for work they must not come in and the university must have staff coverage without any fear or implementation of punitive actions.
I had finally survived to the last week of my trauma rotaion and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I could not see was the pile of stress, shitty diet, lack of mental well ness and sleep deprivation which I was pushing down to reach the light. By this time I had seen a psychiatrist regularly for sleep medication. I had mentioned to him that I had been experiencing more stressed lately and feel that I might be depressed. he reassured me that it was likely only due to my circumstances, given the difficulty of the trauma rotation and wish to reassess once the rotation was over. Looking back I had to fill the habit of drinking more than I usually do. My only on nights before I have days off became 1-2 beers every other night. All of this repressed unhealthy shit finally pushed bad on September 23rd. That night I was at work even later than usual, I stayed up later than usual and couldn’t seem to fall asleep. With the stress of only having minimal sleep and knowing I only had 2 more days of trauma left, I took an extra dose of my sleeping medication.
I opened my eyes to the fighting sight of sun beaming in my window and I instantly knew I was late. (Sense I hadn’t seen the sun in a month) . Due to my need for scrupulous sleep hygiene I have been sleeping with my phone of and away for me. I rushed to grab it and watched as the little Apple logo seamed to glow on the screen for an eternity. Then in conjunction with its fading I saw 3 missed calls from my director, a text from college A and 2 missed calls from the surgical director. Still, I was able to calm myself, knowing that resident A had been late to this rotation by a few hours 2 other days and nothing came of it. I called my director back and he asked me to report to his office where I was greeted by my director, my coordinator and another emergency medicine facility.
With the only explanation of: “we just want you to get better”, I was handed a letter, to my relief it did not entail my termination, but a declaration of administrative leave and a requirement to undergo an evaluation at a well known university in Florida.
Lake any other savvy millennial, I did my research. By research I mean numerous google searches and screeches thru the depts of redit. To my dismay I discovered that in order for a residency program to fire you, they must first initiate an administrative suspension. I would soon find out however, being terminated would have been a delightful outcome compared to what ensued.
I spend the next few weeks in the wallos of regret and depression. I indulged in higher qualities of alchohol then I ever have before. I all but ceased communing with peers, and abruptly stoped any physical activity I had once enjoyed. Frightened as I was I was ensured, it will be ok “we just want you to get better”
Chapter 2 The evaluation : guilty until proven innocent I did exactly as instructed and scheduled an evaluation, I supposed that this was either a mental evaluation to assess if I’m fit for work with plans of termination or it actually was an evaluation to better treat my insomnia. To this day I regret my ignorance, and wish I had researched the process more. The Hindi / sand-skrt idea of Hamsa 🪬 is that in order to do any good you must have full knowledge or else good intentions can result in harm. I truely believe my director had good intentions, however but him and I did not have full knowledge of the nature of this evaluation.
Looking back see how easily I could have avoided my troubles by asserting legal aid at this point or even by researching this evaluation process more in depth. If one searches impaired practitioner program which I now know this evaluator works for, the search entire will populate 5 or 6 layferms along side their home website and there is a valid reason for this.
If one every finds themself in this process I employ you to bring a DSM to your evaluation or at least be familiar with the most common use disorders in the DSM-5, because your evaluation will turn into a dance of questions where the evaluator attempts to trap you in a round about way to stating something that may qualify for one of the diagnosis. I have provided an image from the DSM-5 below outlining AUD, which the evaluator concluded that I had the most severe from:
Image
Example***** Here are 10 examples of how he fraudulently assessed me taken directly from his assessment note.

1. Evaluator: Have you ever stoped drinking in the last year.

Me: yes I stoped every week day, I was only drinking on the weekends, until two weeks ago.
-Evaluator uses stoping and starting every week to qualify for 2 or more unsuccessful attempts to stop in the last year “There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.”

1. Evaluator Have you ever had withdrawal symptoms

Me no
Evaluator Well Have you ever had a hangover? You know that’s a from of acute withdrawal
Me: yes in college, I had a few but that was years ago and I’m pretty sure the pathophysiology is different.
Evaluator uses this to count for withdrawal symptoms even tho is was more than a year ago

1. Evaluator: Have you even taken your sleeping medication on a day or night which you drank? Me: Yes, I took my prescriptions are prescribed but I never drank close to bed

Evaluator: qualified this as dangerous behavior with alcohol (where the DSM gives examples such as unprotected sex and drunk driving). The sleeping medication I was on is not a benzodiazepine therefore it is not deadly with alcohol. I personally have seen many patients in the ED who have taken their entire bottle of the medication and drank copious amounts, we just monitor them over night and rehydrate them

1. Evaluator Has anyone told you you drink to much or been worried about you Me: No I drink much less than my friends

Evaluator what about your girlfriend? Me: well she actually doesn’t drink at all she doesn’t like it. She often buys me beer for The Weeknd’s tho. One time we went to a movie and she got a little irritated because I waited for beer then complained about them not having any craft beer. So she said, “you couldn’t have just said no” and drank something else. However, she apologized after and said it’s worth waiting if it’s my only day off.
Evaluator said this qualifies for continued drinking despite causing significant relation consequences, ie divorce.

1. Evaluator : you have sleep issues I hear, and your chart says you’ve had depression in the past, don’t you know that alcohol can effect your sleep and mood Me: yes that’s why I never drink within 3 hours of sleep.

Evaluator but you knew this and still drank
Evaluator: qualifies for drinking despite unwanted physical or psychological effects (this should be recurring to effects the alcohol is causing, I have had insomnia sense the age of 10 long before I took my first sip)
7 evaluator you were late for work and told my you had a drink the day before
Me: Yes but I was late because I didn’t sleep and took double my sleeping meds, I will never do that again
Qualifies for 2 significant work or school issues in the past year ( a therapist and other psychologist ensured me that being late on or a few days doesn’t count they typically are getting fired or failing) ( moreover, this would assume I was late do to drinking it’s self and also assume if happened more than once)

1. • Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended

He never once asked anything related to this question yet said I qualified in his final report 9. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. The evaluators logic here was sense I was late for work and I had 2 beers the day before I must be taking long to recover from it (this is assuming I missed due to alcohol)

1. Tolerance drinking more to require the same effect: this he checked as true in his final note however it was never even discussed in our evaluation. I did mention to him that I’ve been drinking more than I had earlier in the year frequency wise, but they said nothing to do with quantity or needing more.
   
2. Wanting to drink so bad you can not think of anything else: this is the only qualification of SAUD my evaluator said I did not have.
   

Moreover, without legal help I was not aware that I could obtain a second evaluation or even oppose going to get evaluated at all, but that wouldn’t have mattered seeing I still thought this was for my health and wellbeing as seen when I was asked why do you think you are here to today, to which I replayed “so that I can be evaluated to see what is needed to get back to work”.
To maks the ordeal more infuriating the evaluator continues to ingratiate himself and lie through the process telling you, “it will be fine as long as you are 100% honest”, “anything you say in here is between you and me” or “you slipped up once with your meds, I know your residnecy program they will probably just want a few more out patient tests”
Two weeks later I received a phone call right before I left for an out of state vacation to visit my nice for her birthday. During the call I was informed that I would be required to complete a partial hospitalization program (PHP) lasting “6-10 weeks” which would coast from 15-50 grand not including doctor visits or housing which is billed separately. I suppressed this inconvenience, enjoyed my vocation and reported when I returned, knowing that I must complete this soon so I may return to work with due to the fact that my payed time off would soon be diminished. At this time I had not yet heard of the organization PRN.
Chapter 3 Guilty till proven innocent: The diagnosis
Shell shocked I arrived to a in patient psychiatric unit and was rapidly cleared to progress to treatment without detoxification. During my 90 day of forced rehabilitation I met a few other individuals who were unjustly and fraudulently forced into treatment. I began to look up to one of these such members of the men’s community, who I will refer to as patient X for ambiguity sake.
Unlike me patient X did have alcohol use disorder. He spent many clinic days drinking to avoid alcoholic withdraws. The curious component of his story is that he admitted his depravity, saught help and through his own journey became sober. The bodies at be, namely his local physician, Health monitoring program, rejected his personal path to sobriety and forced him to undergo 90 days of in patient treatment before he could practice medicine again. When he checked in to rehab he had been sober for over a year.
Ask for Stories of people from online
As for me I spend many sleepless nights pondering how consuming a legal substance in a moderate amount could throw me into significant legal financial issues. My labs my toxicology, my story and my collateral from colleagues from colleagues all indicated light to moderate alcohol use but my evaluators word stood as the word of God.
More frightening was the director of this rehabs acknowledgment of this. The director who happens to also coincidentally be the evaluator, stated to me as well as to staff on multiple occasions: “ I suggest inpatient treatment for everyone who is reported”. “This is safer for me not to miss anyone who could harm patients, and I figure there must be a reason someone reported them.”
I am still elucidating the reason why I was determined guilty and proven innocent, however I can say from my 90 day stent that the majority of the patients at this rehab needed to be there. This program is saving lives of both providers and patients, however it is destroying the lives of those wrongfully accused.
Chapter 4 your lisense rehab or jail : Upon arivil I was sent to a detox hospital underwent a medical examination and was “one of the lucky ones” who required no detoxification and could report directly to PHP. Like everyone else, I spent 90 days in a PHP, being as 6-10 weeks is simply a lie they tell patients to decrease the change of resisting the treatment. When discussing the topic one therapist sated “if we told patients 90 days they would never come.” She then attempted to justify the treatment by outlining the story of a patient she had called who “didn’t make it to treatment” and killed themselves”. It is my belief that it is not the lack of PHP which impelled such professionals to take their life, but them realizing that they now will be obliged to undergo 90 days of PHP, 5 years of PRN monitoring with a loss of autonomy and hundreds of thousands of dollars taken from them that induced their hopelessness. For even if these professionals were truly mentally unstable in their addictions, in every case it was only following a phone call where they were informed they must undergo treatment that they took their life’s. By this time I still haven’t the slightest clue what PRN was.
Despite the security these programs provide for many my 6 main issues with them can be summarized in : 1. Kick backs: evaluators are directors of treatment clinics 2. The reported are guilty till proven innocent 3. The price, the overflow of money these places drag in from both patients and state universities is appalling, they charge separately for every visit and test 4. Although they make the claim that they are individualized, they are anything but. Every patient gets the same stay and treatment from the doctor drunk on the job and the one who was late to a shift 5. They force voluntary treatment. remember that friendly evaluator who promised he had your best interest at heart, so you opened up and told him everything about your substance use/ developmental / family history, well if you don’t stay for 90 days he will be “normally obliged” to tip the board of medical off to you.

1. The programs have overstepped their intended jurisdiction. -these programs work well if they function how they were intended at their inception. Cite original purpose. Originally these programs were designed to protect physicians and civilians from impaired practitioners; being healthcare workers who were impaired at work. Over the years, these organizations have extended their authority to encompass individuals with substance use disorders When not at work and also those who are in training to become healthcare professionals. Take for example myself compared to a physician who is impaired at work. A doctor who arrived for duty under the influence would surely benifit from the extensive testing, therapy and accountability enforced via these programs. In accordance the 20,000$ per year cost is appropriate when only making up roughly 7% of their yearly salary vs nearly half of a residents. In my case with my loss of income from employment, coast of treatment and monitoring, this year I will be required to pay 20,000$ to work. Yes, I will be losing money to work. Even if did indeed have a substance use disorder this level of monitoring wouldn’t not be considered appropriate.

Dispite all of the miscomings of this System My time spend in PHP was indeed helpful, as I believe it would be for anyone. Time for exercise, a reprieve from work and weekly counseling. A sample structure of my day to day schedule is provided below for insight:
Structure The general structure of these rehabitation centers is as follows: 1. One week of orientation phase, where you are not allowed in electronics or contact with the outside world world. Therefore, if you’re going, bring some things you would like to read or study. 2. In phase 2, you can use your phone however you cannot leave campus. You must stay in the dorm on campus. These shitty 1 room run down apartments with two other roommates will cost you about $1000 a week, they are required for at least four weeks and they are billed separately, no insurance will help you out here. 3. In phase 3 you can commute to campus if you beg your therapist and live very close. Whether you’re on campus or living off-campus, you are allowed to leave up to four hours per day. If you commute, you’ll be required to take a sober link decide you must Breath, alcohol test into every 6 hours. Like everything else in this program you must pay for this separately, a few hundred dollars a week. You advanced to other phases by completing assignments, however, assignments are limited by required built-in time, intrusive, scheduling, and reviewing. Therefore, if you do everything as rapidly as possible phase 1 will take one week phase 2 will take three weeks.
Every day schedule:
7:30: wake up, report to the front desk to inform them that you haven’t ran away yet and take and prescribed medications. They keep all your medications and require that you report to take them; for me this was antidepressants in an attempt to dispel the depression I contracted from being forced into treatment and whatever off label medication they were attempting to treat my ADHD with, since control medications were forbidden.
8 am: community group assessments This consisted of other patients presenting their assignments amongst the large group, on the weekends this was often an hour later and 12 study regularly took the place of assignment presentation.
10 am: process group. This was a two hour group therapy session with 6 to 12 other professionals in a therapist and training or occasionally a licensed mental health therapist.
1 pm: recreation This was generally about an hour of some sober themed craft or activity. Once a week this time slot was used for yoga.
2 pm: this was another time slot used for patients to present assignments as well as for individual therapy sessions. Each patient had one individual therapy session lasting 30 minutes per week.
3pm: This was time allotted to work on assignments or go to the gym on your sex specific scheduled gym day.
5pm: this time was used for guest speakers or another 12 step study group.
6 pm : this was generally an off-campus 12 step group
10 pm: report to the front desk and let them know you still haven’t ran away and take and Medication which are prescribed to take at night, then return to your cot bed in your room with 1-2 other roommates.
I found the community to be one of the most beneficial aspects of the PHP program. I was in a cohort of chill ass professionals of the same occupation who were always there to help each other.
Assignments The curriculum of the PHP consisted of assignment based on every step of the 12th step program. Generally, a patient would be required to complete an assignment on their own, review it with other patients, then faculty and finally present the assignment in front of the whole treatment group. You’re only given one assignment at a time and there are multiple steps to each which all requires scheduling this ensures that no matter how determined a patient is a full 90 days of treatment is required to complete all the assignments.
AA structure -the obsolete nature of AA has been verified in numbers studies, but I will refrain from divulging here and lend that endeavor to Dr. Lance Dodes very thorough discussion on the subject,in “the sober truth “
In all sincerity, if I truely did have a severe use disorder this experience could have been life saving. I only wish I could have used my 50 grand for someone who has spent their life time In addictive without reprieve. My first conversation when I was given my phone back was how I wish my father could be able to attend this PHP.
Chapter 5 reporting and PRN Self reporting What they ask you What you should tell them
There’s a third-party agency called professional resource network. Every state has their own. This agency works as a liaison between you and whatever credentialing service your occupation requires. Essentially they ensure your monitoring after treatment. Stake governments and licensing boards trust them, mainly because they monitor with the highest level of intrusiveness. This alleviates much work for state governments and licensing boards because once an individual is being monitored by a professional resource network, then they are deemed appropriate for duty and no further investigation/litigation needs to occur, as long as the monitored individual completely complies.
Because I was never impaired at work I was never reported to this agency. The general workflow of things someone would report you to professional resource network, then the resource network would contact you, and then you would be required to report for an evaluation at a treatment center, which would inevitably result in a suggestion I’ve treatment at that given treatment center. In my case I was sent to the treatment center without PRN being involved. Thus, two weeks into treatment. I was notified by my therapist that I needed to call PRN and self report. I attempted to resistance given that I did not have a problem and was not individually seeking help. I asked what happened if I didn’t self report. I was told that in order to stay in the treatment program I had to report to PRN. This meant either I report to PRN or I get kicked out of the treatment program and lose my job.
When you report to PRN they will ask you why you are in treatment. They will then list off every substance imaginable, asking you if you have ever tried the substance and when your last use was. Ultimately, they will obtain your discharge information from your treatment center, so it is in your best interest to report only what was found in your biochemical testing. If it wasn’t in your hair, I would argue that you don’t have a use disorder regarding that substance and it’s not relevant. I don’t believe it’s important for them to know that you smoked weed when you were 12.
Chapter 6 The contract:
Before being discharged from a treatment facility, a professional resource network will have you sign a contract. A little known fact which I was oblivious to is that contracts can be negotiated. Though this isn’t it possible, it is highly improbable that you can negotiate your contract since PRN has a power to delay your clearance to return to work.
Contractor almost never personalized, and I have not heard of a contract which is not a five-year agreement. You will sign releases of information so that PRN has access to all of your information which was gathered at the treatment facility. You must have a therapist, psychiatrist, primary care, doctor, and a addiction, medicine psychiatrist. You assign releases of information for all of them. You will be required To commit to: 1. three mutual aid meetings a week which you must log. I log smart recovery meetings. 2. Weekly therapy sessions with an approved mental health therapist from their list 3. Monthly doctors appointments with an addiction medicine psychiatrist 4. Yearly appointments with a primary care physician 5. Monthly appointments with a psychiatrist 6. Daily check-ins on a random drug testing app ( you will agree to weekly urine tests, a peth test 4 times a year, a hair test twice a year and a little caveat that says anything else they deem, clinically reasonable) 7. Quarterly update reports which you are required to obtain from a workplace monitor, therapist, addiction, medicine, psychiatrist, primary care physician and any other doctor you are seeing. 8. You must upload all of your prescriptions into a mobile application every single time you get them refilled and are not allowed to take them until they are approved. 9. Attendance of a PRN group via zoom. This is a local group you are assigned along with other monitored practitioners. There is a fee of roughly 130$ a month to attend this required group. For me all of these requirements coast around 20,000 a year. If you ever have a positive test even if it is the result of contamination from rubbing alcohol or unintentional ingestion of alcohol/ allergy medication your contract will rest to 5 years from the time of positive test. Once your five year contract is completed, you must ask to be released from monitoring. At that point they will search for any reason to keep you under monitoring. This could be dilute urines, daily check ins or a week where you did not attend mutual aid meetings. Every certification and license which you apply for will likely ask you if you were under a monitoring program/ have been treated for substance use. You must give an explanation and check yes. As far as licensing programs are concerned, if you were under the monitoring of PRN, you are safe, however they group practitioners who have had behavioral issues with practitioners who were diverting drugs from work. Therefore, keep in mind that you will be labeled as a sever addict.
7 Back to work and only work. During treatment your only goal is to return to work, however when you return your experience will be drastically distinct from what you remember. For me, I was now working in isolation. Missing six months of my training meant that no other Resident was on the same rotation as me. My coworkers at all formed friend groups. When I returned I was greeted with much concern for my well being. No one would speak to be about my absence, however everyone knew there is only one reason a resident would leave for 6 months then return. My Accdeemic meetings were consisting of attending telling me “I have a target on my back now” and “ I have to preform even better than others” in the light of my time missed. If this wasn’t alienating enough, the majority of Resident events, sponsored by recruiters and my university revolved around alcohol to which I had to give some excuse to why I can not partake with others. I’m fortunate that I do not have an addiction, because these stressful conditions along with the daunting amount of dead and requirements imposed by PRN are enough to make any addict relapse. While I was at treatment, I was in the dative with Samyr stories a physicians whose addictions got the best of them. Physicians who did not make it to treatment, often taking their own life. These stories were presented as a warning. Your addictions will kill you without our treatment was the message. When, in reality I did not hear one story in which the addiction killed physician. Every physician who didn’t make it to treatment took their life after being told they must report to a treatment facility. Perhaps they knew what this entailed and it was not their addiction or getting caught which caused them to end their lives, but the unmanageable and often unreasonable burden that treatment would put on their lives.
9 How to escape So your fucked your in PRN and should be or you should and now your recovered and want to terminated your contract.

1. You ask to be released early done at 1/2 time ( good luck)
2. You have “good reason” (no one has ever been let out of contract because of this reason, the verbiage is far too vague)
3. You serve all your time and they let you out(maybe, as discussed earlier, they would do everything they can to keep you in your contract as long as your practicing)
4. You can’t practice medicine anymore

10 Layer up butter cup : I cannot emphasize the extent to which legal help is required in this process. You much seek it and seek it early. Lawyers can provide many avenues to you early in the process. Once you have committed to treatment, gone for evaluation or are in a PRN contract , this is very little that you or legal help can do. Spend a few thousand dollars when you are accused and save the 20-30,000 later.
After you have been evaluated if you disagree as I did, then this is the process you must undergo. 1. Hire a occupation, defense, lawyer 2. Prove you don’t have an addiction, this is done by having an alternative evaluator with similar credentials state that either you don’t have an addiction or that PRN’s level of monitoring is not medically appropriate ( this will need to be a multi day neuropsychological evaluation, which will cost about $5000). 3. Your lawyer must draft in writing that the medical level of monitoring is not required such as another medical professional and send this to PRN 4. PRN will tattle on you to the board of medicine. 5. The board of medicine will conduct an investigation. 6. At the end or when they believe they have enough reasonable evidence to the board of medicine will suspend your license or claim, you must comply with the PRN contract to practice. 7. At this time your lawyer will defend you in the state court against the board. This is costly but much less than the coast of a 5 year PRN contract 8. If you win you will likely suggest an alternative level of care such as gonna get therapy every week. If you lose, than you wasted a fuck ton of money and are still bound by your PRN contract.
Overall this entire process has coast me Over all coast:
My finances for this year only including PRN and rent are as follows:
120-200$ every week for testing 480-800/ month
65 every week for therapy 195/month
125 every month for PRN group
About 50-69 every month for 2 doctor apts
So at least 745$/month at the lowest
Treatment at the recovery center coast 20,000 for me out of pocket and
I wasn’t payed for 6 months with no FMLA because I am a first year. At the 1 year mark I will have made 26,000 this year after taxes And payed About 29,000 on PRN alone
Rent is 1,000 so that’s 12,000 a year
Just in rent and PRN alone I will be at 26,000- 41,600 -15,600.
I will be in debt by at least 18,000 at the 1 year mark
Coast of treatment center 20,000 (with insurance) For each year of PRN roughly 20,000 Add that to 6 months of attending salary which was delayed due to my treatment time: at least 150,000 Layer coasts along with other evaluations 25,000 Missing 6 months of residency pay 30,000 Coast of 1 year in monitoring: 245,000 Coast of 5 years 325,000
If my case progress to a trail I will require an extra 20,000 in court coasts
Chapter 11 My secondary eval: Dr sushi After I arrived at my treatment center I challenge my evaluation multiple times. Each and every time I was discharged and often accused of alternate mental health/ substance abuse issues to discourage my advances. I was never given the opportunity to undergo alternative assessment, however PRN guidelines state that you can obtain a second option within 7 days of your first. This is a mute point, however, because you will not receive the results of your evaluation until over a week after it is conducted and the second evaluation must be conducted by another PRN hired evaluator of their choosing. During my stay in rehab I contacted PRN multiple times to attempt another evaluation/ legal help. They warned against both stating they were a “waste of money” and “pointless”.
After completing my treatment with the guidance of many addiction, experienced physicians, mental health counselors and psychiatrists recommendations I sought in a secondary evaluation. I chose a highly qualified professional with over 30 years of experience to conduct an extensive neuo psycho social evaluation of me. One that I was sure would be more extensive than the evaluation I received at treatment and more importantly an unbiased evaluation.
The results from my evaluation not only showed that I did not have a substance abuse problem warranting PRN level monitoring, but also that PRN was falling to allow adequate treatment of other conditions such as my ADHD. My evaluation showed my ADHD was not only untreated by PRNs attempt at using non controlled medication, but also in the top 3% most severe presentations of ADHD. My evaluator went on to explain my results by questioning why my treatment center even mandated I undergo neuro cognitive evaluation. The only neurodiverse findings were my IQ, my dyslexia and my ADHD. However, a neuo cognitive examination can be billed separately by treatment centers, therefore they always recommend one.
Chapter 12 Amongst its greed, intrusive nature and faulty accusations, professional recourse network function highly proficiently at the task they were designed to; protective physicians and patients from physicians who are impaired at work. In this domain they save lives, offer second changes and protect the public. When they act beyond their intended jurisdiction by imposing unnecessary monetary demands on practitionersin training, accuse practitioners without proof or act on behavior exemplified outside of a work setting they unjustly and inappropriately attack the week and innocent.
Proposed reform: As a trainee my universities malpractice insurance covers me for mistakes made at work. If a learner mistakenly harms a patient, then the university stands on their behalf. If the learner does something wrong under a teachers direct guidance, then the teacher is at fault. This makes sense logically as well as pragmatically. The state entrusts large amounts of money to hospital systems and universities to train resident physicians. A portion of this money is allocated to malpractice insurance. This should extend to accused impairment.
Suppose a training university was required to cover rehabilitation and monitoring of a resident of whom they claim is impaired. Alternatively they have the option of firing the trainee. This would reduce the number of innocent trainees being accused of impairment, make the process of rehabilitation more fair and provide a better use for tax payer derived dollars, which hospital systems are given to train residents. The truly impaired could still seek help, less false accusations would be made and with the employers having the ability to fire at the moment of impairment, there would be less chance of impairment at work.

I wrote articles about gaming for a team blogging site (based on Joomla) for some years before tailing off because I got lucky enough to pick up some paid writing work. On re-visiting recently I saw that the site has essentially died: all my content is still there, but no-one is publishing new material any more and the spambots have moved it.
Some of my content is worth saving, I think, so I thought it might be a good idea to salvage some of the pieces, spruce them up a bit and republish them on a personal site. However, I'm just floored by the number of options out there.
Ideally, I'd like something that

• l can potentially monetise to a minor degree. I'm not looking to make big bucks, but it's my work and I feel I deserve to make something for it.
• Is free to use, at least until such point as I can make enough money off it to pay its own costs.
• Will do reasonably well in SEO
• Allows me to ensure my content stays online (i.e. it won't just die a sudden death and take everything with it)

Beyond that, I'm really confused. I've decided I'd prefer not to use Substack because it seems ethically suspect to me after the recent controversies. I don't really understand the difference between "newsletter" models like Beehiiv and Buttondown (they still put your articles online, right, so how are they really different from a more traditional blog?), essay-publishing sites like Medium and hosting your own blog.
I'm technically savvy and would be happy to self-host using something like WordPress or Ghost if necessary, although I'd prefer not to spend writing time tinkering with the guts of a system and I don't see a way to do that without paying a significant upfront cost for hosting.
What platform is likely to suit my needs best, and how can I choose?

I had a late start in life with IRL relationships. This is my first real one. Was a virgin before by choice since i was focused on grinding my wealth up and waiting for the "right person" to do things with.
We have been talking on and off for years online and there were always sparks there previously but nothing happened. We first started talking back when i used to be broke and didnt have nuch going on at the time. I was rejected by her initally about 6 years ago, we stopped talking for a few years and eventually just chatted every now and then if she decided to reach out to me. I always had a thing for her but respectfully kept my distance. She has been keeping tabs on my life and knew when I started doing really well for myself the past couple years.
For months prior this year we sparked it up again online, talking everyday wheneve she had a free moment of time and even sleeping on call every night. She seemed quite into me and would make it clear she wanted me or was horny frequently online and would send me hot pics/vids. We met up IRL finally and she did initiate a few times at the start because she knew i was inexperienced. We discovered i had trouble getting fully hard, i suspect it was because of possible porn-induced ED with freq masterbation in my past. This was quite embaraasing but she said it still felt good even tho it was only semi hard. I did also go down on her and i do enjoy that. I promised to just quit watching porn or jerking off altogether which ive stuck to til now.
Despite my problem down there for now, she still really wanted me to ask her out officially which i did. Up around this point i had done a lot of research about foreplay and just trying to learn how to touch her to get the mood going. She seemed to go along with the touching and we did have sex a few more times around this time.
However, ever since we made it "official" it feels like she's much less willing to be touchy or have any sex at all. We had sex a week after making it official. Since then I've had my foreplaytouching rejected and brushed off, she told me on multiple instances she didnt want to be touched when she was trying to sleep so i would try in the mornings and get rejected and eventually she told me she didnt want to be touched when shes sleeping in (she lays in bed for hours in the morning with her eyes closed even if shes mostly awake).
So i stopped trying to make any bold moves after a bunch of rejections. I've waited for things to happen on her terms since she's a bold person and will initiate if she wants it, she is the opposite of shy. I would cuddle with her but would avoid touching as much. It took 3 weeks but she did finally initiate again on her own. The relationship is barely a month old at this point and right before the 3 week dry spell ended i was honestly feeling extremely unwanted/undesired.
I havent been in a relationship before so i really have no idea if this is normal. I lack experience and my advances after we were official were all rejected. About a week ago I just straight asked if she was attracted to me because it felt like we werent doing anything sexually and she said that she was attracted to me and sex wasnt important to her and it's something for special occasions or whatever and that women are complicated. She seemed a little annoyed when i brought this up saying "your demons came out for zero" and made it known she didnt get as much sleep that morning because i brought up that convo while she was laying there (she was awake when i started the convo).
I just dropped it there but honestly it feels important to me because despite my issues it did feel good and i did feel closer with her when we did do it. Because I've also quit jerking off or watching porn since our very first encounters, I've been extremely frustrated since i cant do anything about how horny i may be feeling since my prev solution was to just rub it out. I could probably go every morning and night if it was up to me although i know it's unrealistic to expect.
I love her but i am honestly not sure how to bring this issue up again without making it weird or pressuring her to do something she doesnt want to do. I feel like she lost her attraction to me or faked it and only did it with me after that 3 week dry spell as a chore. A bit after this 3 week period we also had our 1 month anniversary date somewhere nice, we dressed up very well and she even said she was horny when we were there and couldnt wait for later (honestly caught me off guard that she felt anything for me). However we got home... aaaand nothing, she went straight to sleep after going to bed.
It digs into my own insecurities a bit that if she isnt attracted to me, then she might have other reasons for being with me, like that I'm quite well off and could honestly retire at my age with a modest budget. I pay for everything when we go out, I've paid for a ton of fun experiences and outings, even for her friends if we go out with them too. I've probably spent over 20k in the last month or so on theme parks, gifts, hotels, fancy dinners, etc. I even knew she was behind on bills so i sent her 4k straight up to help out. She works 12 hr shifts waiting at a restaurant everyday and is basically in debt. She's had a ton of past relationships and partners so she has a lot of experience. She also used to post a lot on OF for another revenue source but she wouldnt have any partners or anything, it was a solo activity OF from what she described to me. She doesnt currently do OF right now since ive gotten with her.
I stay at her home since i flew in a month ago and take care of the chores when shes out at work all day, walk/feed the dogs, etc. I have put a lot of effort in so i dont know what else I could have done to have the bedroom feel dead in a 1 month relationship. She's also been bringing her large dog to bed everyday and there's honestly not much room for the 3 of us. I told her i cant sleep well with the dog in the bed since im a light sleeper and the dog actively competed with me for space during the night, but nothing has changed. I bought a $100 doggy bed after making it known i really cant sleep at all. She helped pick it out with me. The dog seems to like the bed and uses it throughout the day, but she still brings him to the bed and cuddles the dog to sleep on most nights, so the dog hasnt slept once in it. I swear the dog has gotten more kisses and affection than me lol...
I'm 170 lbs, 6 ft tall, think i look at least above average although my confidence in myself has gone down since this relationship started. I've never once lost my temper, raised my voice, and im extremely gentle with her and try to put her first.
She has one of my cards saved on her Apple Pay and other spending things to make it easier for me to help her. I literally am paying for all her Uber eats like when she's at work. I'm aware that the money bit may sound alarming to a lot of people but i can afford it and i literally do not mind taking care of someone i love if it means that i also feel loved and wanted... but with how the bedroom is currently going... idk. I feel like she was initiating and reciprocating way more frequently at the start up until I heard from her how she wished i would just ask her out already and it feels like it's dropped off hard since. The relationship is currently 1 month and a week old altho we have talked on and off for 6 years online before meeting up for the first time a month ago.
I really want to make it work. I know this is probably not how a typical relationship looks like but i just want my needs met. I just want to feel wanted by my partner. Shes really the only girl I've really wanted but i cant tell if it just seemed better from a distance online before making things official in person or im a little delusional. I've enjoyed my time with her when we are out and about doing things together. Idk if this is going to work long term, would love some more perspective.
(Also I did recently get Cialis prescribed which should help with bloodflow downstairs, but haven't had any action to try to gage differences with it.)

So recently i have not feeling very good, mentally. Whenever i am not doing mentally good, i don't feel like talking to anyone. It's hard for me to keep up with people. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I dogde their call, ignore their texts. So the people here I am talking about are mostly those i met online. From few days i am just saying,"hey i am busy, can we talk later?" And when i don't text him after that too, they kinda tuant mee. Which gets more frustrating, then I lose my calm. Recently i ended things with someone, i met with that person online only. But i never felt anything, nor did we talk that much. Cause i didn't find it any interesting. But the constant messages from that side made me reply. Like i am not someone who will ignore people who are putting so efforts to talk to me. Just few time ago i clearly said that i don't want to entertain anything which doesn't have any meaning for me. Kinda harsh, but it is what it isss. I kinda feel guilty too, but again.... I can't do anything. And why do people start flirting like crazy after two days of talking to someone 😭 that actually gets on my nerves.
And why do people think that if someone's talking to you they are thinking of something, like uk they plan this whole stupid thing that oh now we are talking, then i will constantly flirt and then boom we will be a thing. Ugh as if it's so easy. This is very annoying tbh. So now i am kinda feeling bad how i abruptly ended things and just blocked them. Am i in wrong here? Honestly i have no capacity of talking to people and investing myself in them without any meaning. Like if i am not interested, nor finding any meaning in it, why should i continue it???? And i appreciate them trying and all, but sorry. I just can't. Specially when i am dealing with my stuff and they try to be uk be there for me and then they will talk as if they know me, c'mon not even two weeks. That irritates me. And when i say, "hey i am not feeling good, i will get back to you in few days" people can't understand it broo. They will text after two hours again, to ask how i am doing, oh please. Give me a damn breakkk.

So recently i have not feeling very good, mentally. Whenever i am not doing mentally good, i don't feel like talking to anyone. It's hard for me to keep up with people. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I dogde their call, ignore their texts. So the people here I am talking about are mostly those i met online. From few days i am just saying,"hey i am busy, can we talk later?" And when i don't text him after that too, they kinda tuant mee. Which gets more frustrating, then I lose my calm. Recently i ended things with someone, i met with that person online only. But i never felt anything, nor did we talk that much. Cause i didn't find it any interesting. But the constant messages from that side made me reply. Like i am not someone who will ignore people who are putting so efforts to talk to me. Just few time ago i clearly said that i don't want to entertain anything which doesn't have any meaning for me. Kinda harsh, but it is what it isss. I kinda feel guilty too, but again.... I can't do anything. And why do people start flirting like crazy after two days of talking to someone 😭 that actually gets on my nerves.
And why do people think that if someone's talking to you they are thinking of something, like uk they plan this whole stupid thing that oh now we are talking, then i will constantly flirt and then boom we will be a thing. Ugh as if it's so easy. This is very annoying tbh. So now i am kinda feeling bad how i abruptly ended things and just blocked them. Am i in wrong here? Honestly i have no capacity of talking to people and investing myself in them without any meaning. Like if i am not interested, nor finding any meaning in it, why should i continue it???? And i appreciate them trying and all, but sorry. I just can't. Specially when i am dealing with my stuff and they try to be uk be there for me and then they will talk as if they know me, c'mon not even two weeks. That irritates me. And when i say, "hey i am not feeling good, i will get back to you in few days" people can't understand it broo. They will text after two hours again, to ask how i am doing, oh please. Give me a damn breakkk.

My original post: My New Job Is Hell because of OCD: Plus a bonus rant
I didn't intend to create a series, but I have no other ideas of how to title my posts. The original post is an angry rant and part 2 will be similar because I have no outlet to voice my frustration.
I thought that I would add "Part 2" to the OCD Journal after receiving an invite.
In my original post - the now official Part 1 - I mentioned that I started working for a retailer fulfilling online orders. So customers can buy their groceries online and pick them up in person.
My latest "crisis" involves the fear of contamination and illness/death.
The other day there was an accident when a coworker helped me carry out a large order to the customer's car.
Most of the time, one person can carry out an order, but once in a while a customer will order so much stuff that it can take two people to bring it outside.
My coworker was pulling the biggest chunk of the order - a cart containing ten totes as two stacks of five - while I pulled the smaller chunk on a separate cart.
To give you an idea of the height for a stack of 5, the top of the tote comes somewhere at my head or forehead. For your reference, I'm 5 feet 9 inches (175 cm for our Euro buddies).
After we arrived to the customer's car and greeted ourselves, my coworker, who was still controlling the larger cart, pushed it forward to get in better loading position. But upon doing so, the cart hit a bump or a crack that caused the front stack to fall off and crash.
At first it seemed fine. Nothing looked broken and we proceeded to load the customer's car while checking items for damage as we loaded.
But after a few minutes my coworker says "hold this," and upon turning around I see that he's holding a broken plastic egg carton that was still leaking raw egg even through its extra plastic bag (the same bag that you put raw meat containers in to protect against leaks).
I had to bring the gooey bag and leaky carton back to the staging area and then retrieved the replacement. I had no time to wash my hands so I used the clean hand to bring out the fresh eggs and then used my one clean hand to awkwardly finish loading the groceries.
However, I realized immediately that my coworker probably had raw egg on his hand(s) while he finished loading the groceries. And to make it worse, he also had borrowed my scanner. So in my mind I was immediately apprehensive that things weren't clean.
I took my scanner inside and set if off to the side on some random shelf in the warehouse. Then I walked to the break room, checking my surroundings for any Clorox wipes on the way, and washed my hands.
Over the course of my shift, I kept looking for wipes or thinking of how to get some, while also hoping no one touched the contaminated scanner. I really wanted to disinfect the scanner because of my fear that it would cross contaminate everything else.
I eventually remembered that the front of the store had wipes for customers to use on their carts. However, I kept forgetting to get them and eventually forgot completely before I left work.
To my horror today, that scanner wasn't in the same location, which meant it got placed back with all the others. I stupidly just left it an easily accessible area so someone easily found it.
So today I felt guilty because of the contamination and the catastrophizing about the result of the contamination.
Because contaminated scanner > contaminates other scanners and tools > workers touching those tools and cross contaminating other tools and totes > workers contaminating other groceries that they pick for customers > customers receiving contaminated groceries and dying.
There's a part of me that ironically doesn't feel much fear because it's probably far fetched that every item would receive the same level of contamination. At the same time, I still hate that I couldn't have cleaned that scanner, even though I'm not sure if those wipes actually disinfect that well.
Still, throughout work today I kept sneaking away to retrieve those disinfecting wipes so that I could disinfect my own scanner at least for that day. I feel as though I have to assume that every scanner is contaminated now.
Part of me wishes that I would've just told someone not to touch the scanner until I had a chance to clean it.
But I was too embarrassed. I also feel pissed off at my coworker for contaminating the scanner and I feel that he should've cleaned it on my behalf even though I'm aware that non-OCD sufferers don't have the same qualms about germs.
At the same time, I also feel that one doesn't need to have OCD to have concern about contamination, which makes me feel afraid that maybe this was a real concern.
I'm also aware that before I even started working there, there must have been worse accidents in the past that contaminated those same tools and totes. So I probably already came into contact with contaminated items without realizing it. But because this accident happened while I was there, I feel responsible for containing the damage.
I tried ignoring the intrusive thoughts.
Before one of my sessions picking items today, I forgot to grab wipes for my scanner. I was already out on the floor and didn't feel like going to the front of the store to retrieve the wipes, so I just started to pick items without disinfecting my scanner.
However, when I was picking the items I kept thinking about how maybe my hands had salmonella on them and that I could be spreading those germs on the customer's items.
For my last session picking I retrieved the wipes even though it's probably moot and I'm not sure I can do that forever.
This situation has got me feeling upset, scared, numb, insane, guilty, exasperated, hopeless, and perplexed.
I'm upset that I have this illness. I'm upset that my coworker knocked over those totes and contaminated my scanner. I'm upset that they put me into a terrible OCD dilemma. I'm upset that I am again dealing with work related obsessions (I left a previous job mostly due to OCD).
I'm scared of someone dying due to the contamination which then causes me to get arrested.
I'm numb because I'm tired of being responsible for everything which makes me want to shut down so that I don't have to feel negative emotions. I'm also tired from the burden carrying them all the time.
I'm insane because I feel like the only person around living in this OCD world.
I feel guilty about contaminating the environment at work that could get someone killed.
I'm exasperated that OCD ruins everything.
I feel hopeless because I don't know if I can ever feel normal again.
I'm perplexed that OCD destroys and ruins life so easily.

I have seen a lot of doom & gloom since Google's SGE announcement (while Bing and Brave Search had it for months by the way). SEO has died many times in the last 2 decades, and I'm sure this time it will survive just the same, if you know what I mean. But it might change significantly...
I read a thought-provoking post (see below) and it's a great starting point to discuss how 'AI' will impact the future of search (optimization). The users and the business side of it.
Do you think that: blog spamming websites done for? Will niche search become more relevant than ever? Will websites/companies start to abandon Google as they are shifting their business model to websites paying them for exposure? Will people use other ways of search as Google (clones) get worse?
The original post:

Known Information For SEO is Dead (Here's What to Do Instead).
Google has officially launched its AI overviews in the US and will soon roll them out to other nations.
So, what is it?
AI overviews are article spinners.
And not good ones at that.
But it will get better, if we know anything about machine learning is that it will improve.
However, you must assume that it will impact traffic now and increasingly in the future.
For information publishers, this is definitely a tough spot to be in.
Yes, you will lose traffic that you gained at no cost.
This will impact ad and affiliate revenue.
There are ways to pivot, but that is for another post.
However, if you do SEO for business brands, then SEO will only thrive.
Let me explain.
Most content does not do what people think it does. Content writers and SEOs have looked at traffic as a metric for success when, in all honesty, traffic has nothing to do with anything.
Capturing as much buyer intent search is where SEO success comes from. Because when people are in the market to buy, they will be exposed to your brand, which increases the likelihood that you could be in their consideration set to purchase from.
Sadly, as an industry obsessed with traffic, much of the traffic that SEOs tend to gain is informational and not being searched for by those with buyer intent.
This is what we call 'known information without purchase intent'.
It's everywhere, and writers online have skyscrapered content from other known content for years.
Most SEO has merely been shifting and amalgamating information, doing a bit of a rewrite and hitting publish.
All with the belief that this information will somehow increase the propensity of people to buy from us.
That's not how it works.
For business brands, reaching people with high purchase intent is key.
Showing up as much as possible on the buyer's journey is what matters.
Traffic is vanity unless it increases revenue.
We are now entering the era of 'DEEP SEO'.
One where SEOs need to challenge businesses to invest in quality and consumer experience.
Product pages that are well written and have a high information gain rate.
By that, I mean that humans and machines can easily access and gain information at a low cost, regarding search cost and cognitive resources.
This, however, will challenge our industry.
We will need to slow down.
We will need to advise our clients that they need to think more about buyer experience and the purchase journey.
On the other side of this coin is creating 'unexpected content'.
This is the content consumers didn't know they needed...because they aren't the experts.
This is the realm of content marketing and digital PR
This is telling people you exist.
This is advertising your brand while building authority for your website and brand search.
I truly believe that the future of SEO is brighter than ever.
But traffic as a metric is done.
Traffic quality is the future.

Credit: Andrew Holland on LinkedIn (while I don't agree with everything, he is one of the few who knows his shit and shares great stuff for SEOs)

I think I might be at my breaking point, and I feel like I need to rant amidst all the uncertainties in my life. At the same time I feel weird sharing about my personal life to others, but sharing a burden of such kind seems like a remedy(maybe?). I will try to be coherent. (TL;DR in the end)

I've always been someone who's struggled with his identity. Even in my mid 20s when most start to grind for their future, I'm here passively failing at almost every juncture in life. I will not lie when I dare mention I was a happy to go child back in my early teen days. Shy & introverted, but at the same time motivated, smart, and a playful kid. Had a lot of friends, no close ones tho, but used to indulge a lot in sports and other activities with them. Once I moved to a different place prior to my 10th grade, it's where life started to shift for worse. I've started to struggle a bit with academics, motivation, friendship and health. Also, I realized how alone I was, as this is the stage in school life where most kids were in strong friendly relationships already, and being an outlier was certainly not helpful. My 12th results were horrible, compared to what I had dreamt in my younger days, with my eyes once set on becoming an astronaut too. No way with such horrible grades I was gonna be able to pursue anything of that sort. I was there lost and confused, gazing outside my window during my 12th break post the results. I had horribly fucked my jee advanced, and not a surprise as my motivation and intellectual for academics had already started a steep decline. Somehow, I still fought back and found a decent college. First year was great, maybe the move to a different city was a fixer, but I thoroughly enjoyed that time. All this was just for the first year tho, as the next three especially last 2 were just horrible. I still remember crying alone in my room during festivals when I had no one to hang out with, everyone was so distant from me. I resorted to video games, and although it was a terrible phase, but I'm happy I was able to enjoy some really great games, and amidst the loneliness it was the only sort of comfort for me.

It became much worse when the corona phase struck, I was still in my last year, but it sucked so much with online because I had planned long back to enjoy my last sem, reach out to friends and go on some hikes or shit. Now, a guy who's already been lonely and depressed grew even more distant to everyone, lost much of contact with everyone. Life was absolutely shit. There was a girl in uni I had a crush on, and maybe I believe she liked me too, we were normal friends, but even she seemed not interested and I didn't felt like forcing it further. Soon, I was in a terrible state, sleeping barely 3 hours, wasted my time watching Youtube and Twitch, playing video games, and listening to just melancholic music and thinking about ending my life, but I just didn't had the courage.

Somehow through all this clusterfuck I was able to find a decent enough job, it's sort of chill on most days, but boring. The work was fine for the first couple of years, but I absolutely don't enjoy the work and the teammates, and wanna move out. Have been job hunting for a couple of months, but no luck so far. During this time, tried to bring in few changes in life, like not spending too much time on any social media, it's been great as I'm not getting constantly bombarded with toxicity online. Also, started to goto gym, it's only been almost 2 months, but already have felt so good, from being a unhealthy loser to a healthy loser is somewhat of an achievement unlocked. So, yeah for the most part my life is just me going to work, goto gym, study for a better job, and repeat. On weekends or off days I spend time with family and play video games. Sadly, there's no part where I got to hangout with friends or s.o. because I got none. I know most people say you don't need those if you got family, but I feel like you need them, since some things are better shared with friends. I've felt like I'm a patient stuck in a high security mental asylum, and with no escape, a deadlock infinite loop. Currently contemplating my life choices about finding a better job, even still not sure which field I wish to pursue in IT, and at the same time thinking about moving to abroad, no I'm not rich, would've to take loan, but thinking maybe that may motivate me again to push further in life. I seriously want some normalcy, but I'm somewhat stuck in life, absolutely hate every fucking day, I'm seeing a dark future. I wish someone could fix me (self-insert Blade Runner 2049 reference).

I know a lot of you might be busy in life and all of this may seem too much of yapping, so here's an ai summary (TL;DR) :-

I am reaching my breaking point and need to vent about the uncertainties in my life. It feels strange to share personal details, but I believe it could be helpful. I have always struggled with my identity, and in my mid-20s, I am failing at almost everything. I used to be a happy and motivated child, but when I moved before 10th grade, my life took a turn for the worse. I struggled with academics, motivation, and friendships. I felt alone and different from my classmates. My 12th-grade results were terrible, crushing my dreams of becoming an astronaut. Despite this setback, I managed to find a decent college. The first year was great, but the next three, especially the last two, were horrible. I found solace in video games during this lonely time. Things worsened during the pandemic as my plans to enjoy my last semester and spend time with friends fell apart. I fell into a deep depression, sleeping only three hours a night and contemplating suicide. Eventually, I found a decent job, but I don't enjoy the work or my colleagues. I've been searching for a new job without success. I have made some positive changes in my life, such as reducing my time on social media and going to the gym. While my life now revolves around work, the gym, and studying for a better job, I miss having friends and a significant other. I feel trapped and uncertain about my future. I am considering changing careers or moving abroad to find motivation. I long for normalcy and someone who can help me.

So recently i have not feeling very good, mentally. Whenever i am not doing mentally good, i don't feel like talking to anyone. It's hard for me to keep up with people. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I dogde their call, ignore their texts. So the people here I am talking about are mostly those i met online. From few days i am just saying,"hey i am busy, can we talk later?" And when i don't text him after that too, they kinda tuant mee. Which gets more frustrating, then I lose my calm. Recently i ended things with someone, i met with that person online only. But i never felt anything, nor did we talk that much. Cause i didn't find it any interesting. But the constant messages from that side made me reply. Like i am not someone who will ignore people who are putting so efforts to talk to me. Just few time ago i clearly said that i don't want to entertain anything which doesn't have any meaning for me. Kinda harsh, but it is what it isss. I kinda feel guilty too, but again.... I can't do anything. And why do people start flirting like crazy after two days of talking to someone 😭 that actually gets on my nerves.
And why do people think that if someone's talking to you they are thinking of something, like uk they plan this whole stupid thing that oh now we are talking, then i will constantly flirt and then boom we will be a thing. Ugh as if it's so easy. This is very annoying tbh. So now i am kinda feeling bad how i abruptly ended things and just blocked them. Am i in wrong here? Honestly i have no capacity of talking to people and investing myself in them without any meaning. Like if i am not interested, nor finding any meaning in it, why should i continue it???? And i appreciate them trying and all, but sorry. I just can't. Specially when i am dealing with my stuff and they try to be uk be there for me and then they will talk as if they know me, c'mon not even two weeks. That irritates me. And when i say, "hey i am not feeling good, i will get back to you in few days" people can't understand it broo. They will text after two hours again, to ask how i am doing, oh please. Give me a damn breakkk.

So recently i have not feeling very good, mentally. Whenever i am not doing mentally good, i don't feel like talking to anyone. It's hard for me to keep up with people. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I dogde their call, ignore their texts. So the people here I am talking about are mostly those i met online. From few days i am just saying,"hey i am busy, can we talk later?" And when i don't text him after that too, they kinda tuant mee. Which gets more frustrating, then I lose my calm. Recently i ended things with someone, i met with that person online only. But i never felt anything, nor did we talk that much. Cause i didn't find it any interesting. But the constant messages from that side made me reply. Like i am not someone who will ignore people who are putting so efforts to talk to me. Just few time ago i clearly said that i don't want to entertain anything which doesn't have any meaning for me. Kinda harsh, but it is what it isss. I kinda feel guilty too, but again.... I can't do anything. And why do people start flirting like crazy after two days of talking to someone 😭 that actually gets on my nerves.
And why do people think that if someone's talking to you they are thinking of something, like uk they plan this whole stupid thing that oh now we are talking, then i will constantly flirt and then boom we will be a thing. Ugh as if it's so easy. This is very annoying tbh. So now i am kinda feeling bad how i abruptly ended things and just blocked them. Am i in wrong here?Honestly i have no capacity of talking to people and investing myself in them without any meaning. Like if i am not interested, nor finding any meaning in it, why should i continue it???? And i appreciate them trying and all, but sorry. I just can't. Specially when i am dealing with my stuff and they try to be uk be there for me and then they will talk as if they know me, c'mon not even two weeks. That irritates me. And when i say, "hey i am not feeling good, i will get back to you in few days" people can't understand it broo. They will text after two hours again, to ask how i am doing, oh please. Give me a damn breakkk