I won't disclose its actual location, so if that's why you're here, sorry to disappoint. It's not time for that yet. However, I do think it's time to start getting the word out. I've noticed an increase in what I'll call "Antennas" lately, or people who can detect cross-planar phase shifts. Without getting into all the math (some of which I don't even know), this is basically a phenomenon which refers to entropy seeping into our universe from other realms or universes or whatever you want to call it. Simply put, people think our universe is a closed system to entropy, meaning that the disorder of any variable in our universe can only increase or decrease in direct proportion to other variables in that same system (the universe). Under this precept, we can establish rules like the Laws of Thermodynamics, and for most people, they're effective. But not for Antennas.
Put another way, if you throw a bunch of bouncy balls into a box, there are a number of different configurations that the balls could take on, with different speeds and magnitudes. You can calculate all of those if you have the right numbers. Now let's say you throw in another set of balls that you don't consider in your calculations of the initial set. Well, then you're not going to get an accurate picture of what's happening. Most people only see the first set and calculate based on that, but some people can see two, three, four or more sets.
You'll understand the concept better when I tell you the story, but I wanted to give you a primer on an important concept that will help you understand why this place, which I'll call "Area X", exists, and what the goals of the people who work there are.
Also note that I'm going to be using the alias "Trent" moving forward. Please refer to me as such in any direct messages.
***
Eighteen years ago I started working as an independent Home Inspector. I dropped out of community college after my first semester (not because I didn't find some of the subjects interesting, but because deference to a man or woman has never been my style) and started working some odd jobs. I did construction work for a couple years, then plumbing. I even drove a garbage truck for six months. I've always found pleasure in using my hands, and getting dirty was never a problem for me. Still, having a boss really dragged ass, so I spent my free time working on creating my own business. It took a few years and lots of savings, but I finally managed to get basic set of Home Inspection equipment: Tyvek coveralls, a cheap half-face respirator, voltage & AFCI/GFCI testers, CO2 and radon monitors, an IR camera, and telescoping mirrors in addition to the boots, safety glasses, electric gloves, ladder, and toolkits I already had on hand.
My buddy at the time was in the business, but he was moving off to the coast, so he helped me get set up and even introduced me to some of his clients. Of course, by that time I had already gotten my State license, but I still was a bit apprehensive to work with insurance agencies. I thought I could make a living working independently, inspecting for mold or sizing up a house for a prospective buyer. Eventually, though, I realized I should probably take every job available to me.
Easing into the business went about as well as it could have. The clients my friend referred to me were very satisfied with my work, and I was able to retain them. Then, in order to increase my reach, I hired someone on Fiverr to build a website for my company which led to a marked increase in traffic and conversions. About six months through, I began to get on a first-name basis with the boys and girls down down at Allstate and Progressive, and they fed me some of the bigger cases. In fact, I got so booked by year's end that I had to hire someone to help manage my schedule and the Excel spreadsheet with all my finances. I capped off a successful year with a 5-star Google rating and a trip to Ireland to visit some family and friends and get piss drunk. When I got back, it was the grindstone all over again, until the summer when I discovered… well, you'll see.
First off, I want to say that I was never one to believe in the paranormal. I grew up watching the movies and hearing the ghost stories round the campfire like every other kid, but it never struck a chord with me. If I can't touch it or see it or hear it, does it really exist? Probably not. So don't go thinking this was a scared man seeing his own shadow. That being said, I had this sense that something was off about this house when I parked along the curb and looked through a large window, perhaps two times the size of my van, to a dingy, dark foyer.
The entire neighborhood was stacked with upper-middle class domiciles, though it seemed like only two thirds of them were occupied, mostly by professionals who commuted to the City every weekday, and the rest were empty. As a man who understands real estate, to say this was strange would be an understatement. Still, I had no problem appraising the mini-mansion for a couple of newlyweds looking to enter the community. I did some research on the property ahead of time, and it seems that it was owned by a couple of old timers who had gone off the grid some time ago. The water and electric bill were both unpaid dating back to 2004 (it was June of '06 now). The bank had repo'd the house (which only had about 100k left on it) and held it for a year and a half before putting it back on the market. I tried to find out more about the old couple who vanished, but there was nothing in the news.
I stepped out of the van in my coveralls and grabbed my suitcase which had my mask, gloves, and eye protection in it. I liked to do a preliminary survey first, running an eye test on the exterior then interior before bringing out the big guns (that way I could identify the areas where I think there could be problems instead of running a metal detector over the whole damn ocean seaboard). I was about to do just that when the window caught my eye again. It felt uncharacteristic of me to be so occupied with this window, but I detoured to the front porch and peeked inside anyway.
Most of the furniture had already been moved out, meaning all that was left was a single three-seater couch, a couple candlesticks on the fireplace mantle, a pristine chandelier overtop a dining room table, and the kitchenware: an oven, gas stovetop, marble countertops, and an island. I could see into the living room very clearly with the afternoon light, but the dining room was dim enough that there were a few structures I couldn't quite make out in the distance. One of them appeared to be some kind of china cabinet or bookshelf—I figured it was the former considering where it was located. The other shadow looked kind of like a grandfather clock. Or at least that's what I thought until it moved.
When I say it "moved", I don't mean to say that it picked up and walked away. If you're not familiar with the Necker Cube, I suggest you search it up, because that kind of illusion is the best way to describe what I saw. At first I was seeing the grandfather clock in a certain way—pushed into the corner of the room—and the next second my vision "corrected" and it was maybe five feet to the left of its former position. I shook my head and looked again and saw the grandfather clock in its second orientation, standing in the center of the room against the wall. I figured I was just seeing things, but even so I spent a little extra time dawdling around the Egress window, taking notes, and delaying the interior inspection.
When I finally grew a pair and went inside, I walked straight to the dining room. Sure enough, the grandfather clock was stowed away in the corner of the room. I spent a couple minutes watching it with my pencil and travel notebook out. I'm the kind of guy that likes to collect hard data when the chips are down. Unfortunately, the clock apparently already had enough fun and was content with sweating me. Oh, well.
I fitted my pencil behind my ear and pocketed my travel notebook, then flipped the rest of the first floor lights on and completed my prelim. I concluded that everything was pretty standard. If anything, the house was in better shape than I'd expect considering it presumably hasn't been lived in for a couple years. I say "presumably" because one can never count out squatters, even during those times. Mainly I was expecting more dust build up and cobwebs than there were. Perhaps someone from the department had come by recently. It's unlikely, but possible.
I did the same check upstairs and it came back mostly clean. There was a bit of staining near the attic I wanted to check for mold. Based on its color, it was probably just a minor case of Aspergillus, but better safe than sorry. Then I got to the basement, and, well, let's just count out the idea of anyone dropping by. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I found.
The first thing that caught my eye was the long, slender body of a birch tree lying pale and dead across a large portion of the even larger unfinished basement's cement flooring. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but, yep, there it was. Its crown was sealed up in the wall with only its trunk hanging out, which made me think of those medieval pillory devices which locked up people's heads and arms. Then confetti-scattered around the tree and all over the basement floor was a minefield of broken glass and ceramic tangled up with a set of random objects. And when I say random, I mean random. There was an unfurled Somali flag (the blue one with a single star in the center), some packaged drinks and condiments branded with all sorts of different languages (I could only make out Gaelic and Chinese or Japanese, I couldn't quite tell), a broken dome-shaped security camera, an otoscope (the thing the doc uses to check your ears), Hot Wheels cars (okay that one isn't so strange), and the list goes on.
At that moment, I wasn't freaked out or disgusted. I was more or less just confused. I started walking through the rubble, trying to avoid the sharp fragments but pretty confident that my steel toed boots would crush most the pieces anyway, when I heard a clink just up ahead. I was able to spot the coin in time, just before it jingled to a halt atop an old Life magazine. I picked it up and noted right away its oval shape and bronze color—clearly not American made. I tried reading it, but not only was the language not English, it appeared to be so old that most of the lettering had been filed down. I looked up at the ceiling to see if it dropped from a shelf, but there was nothing that could have been holding the coin. I considered for a moment, looking around at the other junk, and had the crazy idea that maybe all this stuff just appeared here. I popped the coin in my pocket and headed back to the van when I stopped by the tree and realized something. It wasn't a birch tree—it was a palm tree. I just didn't realize because of how ashy and decayed the bark was.
Now at this point you might think I've been acting a little nonchalant for such a strange occurrence, and I don't blame you, but if you're gonna stick around with me that's just something you're gonna have to get used to. I guess I was just born with a screw loose, but I really don't scare easily, and I tend to look at everything pragmatically. If you dig deep enough, you'll always find another plausible explanation. That being said, I do want to get to the part about Area X, so let me give you the rundown on what I learned about this basement.
I ended up trekking back to the van and picking up my gear. I was no longer running the routine inspection, obviously, but I figured I might as well throw 30 thousand dollars of scanning equipment at whatever the fuck anamoly existed in that basement. Most of it came back negative. There was a bit higher-than-usual EM interference as picked up on the voltmeters, but nothing that screamed danger close. Still, it was enough for me to set up my volt testers and IR camera while muddling through the rest of the junk. I won't bore you with another list of items, but I did find one thing of value: a diamond necklace. And not just any diamond necklace, it was one of those Queen-wearing, multi-row, big-jeweled necklaces like out of some Historical Fiction movie from the thirties. I almost didn't pocket it because I'm used to expensive items being owned by someone… someone who might want it back. But I figured if there was ever a place the finder's keeper's rule applied, it was probably in this Quantum graveyard.
7 O'clock rolled around and I hadn't eaten. I'm a pretty bulky guy, carrying my share of both muscle and fat, and most people think that means I need to eat a ton but that's really not the case. Mostly I just get dehydrated easily, especially in the summer. That said, I was bordering on famished territory and considered heading out for a bite when I heard another sound. The first thing I did was check my scanners, and sure enough the voltage needle was fully spun to the right side of the dial. EM interference. Then I went to see what had dropped. I was able to pick the object out pretty quickly since I had spent the last 6 hours staring at the mosaic of a basement floor. It was a silver briefcase, like one of those out of a crime novel, and it was cracked open.
I had this sense then that I was standing at a precipice, and if I opened the briefcase and looked inside, I wouldn't be able to stop whatever would come afterwards. Part of me deep down knew that I was just that type of guy that had to know, and maybe this was my Hamlet moment where it would be a trait gone a step too far. But then again I didn't really believe in any of that sentimental bullshit, so I opened the briefcase.
The gun surprised me a little, but not as much as the piece of paper laid atop a case file reading in large black font, "FIND ME". I expected the envelope to have some missing person file in it, but instead there were all these schematics and blueprints for some kind of device. Whatever it was, it was pretty massive. Some of the lengths were hundreds of meters long. And what's more strange is based on the blueprint's locale, it appeared to be underground. I looked back through the pages a couple times, then checked the note—nothing strange there. The gun appeared to be a simple glock. I was no gun expert, but I had been to the range pretty regularly with my construction buddies, so I got used to the feel of a pistol and rifle and some of the different names; however, I realized pretty quickly it wasn't your standard glock when I couldn't find mag-release. That's when I noticed how light the gun felt. I tried to chamber a round, but again, there was no hammer. What the hell kind of gun was this?
I ended up throwing everything back in the briefcase, including the necklace, coin, and a few Koozies I found that were branded with one of my favorite sports teams (never let an opportunity go to waste). I put up all my shit back in the van and spun over to a local burger joint, got my fill, and went home. I made sure to draft an email to the prospective buyers, telling them the house had several patches of black mold and a bit of a rat problem before drifting off to sleep. Although I really didn't do much of that.
When I woke up, I took a cold shower and downed a can of Reign, then commuted to my gym and got a lift and some sauna time in before making the trip back to the house. I brought some extra supplies with me for some experiments I cooked up while not sleeping the previous night.
First, I had two camcorders set up on a couple tripods in either corner of the basement. I wanted clear footage of these mystery objects spawning in. Then I set up a voltmeter in a similar fashion, but I had a wire extending out of it on a circuit which fed to an alarm that would blare when the reading was over 250 volts. Upstairs, I rearranged some of the furniture so that the small number of tables, chairs, clock, cabinets, and other little pillows or vases I could find were scattered across the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Then I pulled up a lawn chair to the front porch window and waited.
I didn't have to wait long though. In about a minute, I started to notice some of the objects moving. It was strange. When a few of them would shift simultaneously, it was like looking at a holographic card that would change shape depending on where your eyes were in relation to the image. Every time I saw a shift, I felt an awkward feeling in my eyes. They went blurry for a fraction of a second, then there was a twinge of pain, as if my brain couldn't handle the contradictory stimulus. It didn't get more crazy than that though—until the alarm went off.
I had cracked open the small rectangular window in the basement to the side of the house so I would hear it. It took four hours and several strange stares from passersby walking their dogs before it rang, so I was a bit lost in my thoughts, but when I heard the beep I perked up fast. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds total, but what I saw was truly miraculous. The best way I can describe it is a pool of silver or gray or translucent light emerging in the foreground between me and the objects in the different rooms. A series of twisting tentacles sprouted from the gray octopus-like head and spun in a way that reminded me of that little kids ride at the amusement parks. Then the objects started to "heat up" is the way I describe it. Their position became relative, meaning they were here one second, there another, then they popped out of existence entirely. Suddenly the rooms were all empty, then they were full of things I had never seen before. Then five seconds passed and the octopus vanished and it was back to the same old objects in their usual places.
It took a few minutes to process what I saw, and even then I wasn't sure I really saw it. I went inside and looked around at my distribution of the house's furnishings. They were all there, intact. Then I went downstairs to check the cams. I rewinded a couple minutes and played it back, but there was no flying object to be found. Instead, there was some gray static that lasted half a second and then the object, a kid's treasure chest toy, was there on the ground. But you want to know the really strange part? I rewinded the tape again, and when I watched the footage back, the treasure chest was always there.
I later came to understand that these poppings in-and-out of our reality are only conceivable to a conscious mind that can track the interference patterns—not rote computational instruments. In fact, even most people can't do it (although everyone has at least a slight awareness of it, even if only subconsciously). Plus, locations like the basement of this house are very rare and kept under tight lock. That became obvious to me two days later when, after my normal morning routine, I pulled up to a driveway and curbside filled with unmarked government vehicles. Either bravely or stupidly, I pulled up to a few officers (they were wearing suits in 85 degree weather, so I assumed…) who were idling by the large fence of crime scene tape and asked them what the score was.
"There was a crime," said the short man with a unibrow.
"Oh, is that right? Damn shame. Someone break in? I have a niece who lives nearby, so…"
The man looked at his two compatriots, both of whom were wearing sunglasses and a "get this civilian fuck out of here" expressions. "Oh, yeah," he started in a reassuring tone that was so condescending it would have annoyed anyone except me, "we found a body. We think it was a homicide. Best to keep your kids away from here for a while."
I thumbed the stubble on my chin, my other hand outstretched on the wheel, and considered moving on, but my mouth had other ideas. "That right? But uh, isn't this house vacant? I mean, I don't remember no one living in it."
The short man, now tall with temper, said, "Yeah, some squatters. We think there was a dispute over some drug money. Nothing for you to worry about though, we got it under control. Now if you wouldn't mind moving along, we have a lot of work to do."
Oh, I'm sure you do, I thought, but only said, "Of course, sir, sorry for keeping you from your job." Then I rolled up the window and cruised on, keeping my eyes on the house which slowly diminished in the side-view mirror.
Luckily I had been smart enough to break down my camp and lug home all my equipment each night, so I didn't leave anything incriminating. I didn't move the furniture back, so maybe that would come back to haunt me, but considering the kind of shit going down in that house, I didn't think they would notice.
For any of you wondering about the conclusion of the house story, I went back a couple weeks later after the suits had left and the tape was taken down and confirmed that not only was the basement entirely cleaned out, but it was no longer exhibiting any strange properties. I looked for a story related to the house, maybe a made up murder of some kind, but there was nothing. That bastard lied to me and didn't even bother to cover his story up.
Now, in the aftermath of an event such as this, I really only had one of two options. I could forget it, move on, continue living life. The necklace was surely worth a fortune. I could sell it and have enough to retire, or at least hire enough people and expand my business large enough to retire within ten or so years. Or I could take all that money and invest it in my own PI business with only a single objective: finding out what those people knew, and why they were hiding it.
I think you know me well enough by now to guess which line of reasoning appealed more to me.
***
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to omit most of my encounters along the journey to discovering Area X. There's a lot to tell, and if it appeals to you perhaps I'd be willing to share at a later date, but for now I want to get this part of the story, the more proximal part, out in the open.
Three years ago, I discovered the source of what I'll call "The Receiver". This is the device that was schematized in the documents that I found in the briefcase. What it does is a complex answer, and how it does it is pretty much all speculation, but here's what I've been able to find out: this universe we live in is a node in a network of many other spaces. These spaces exist in higher dimensions that we cannot directly perceive, but using a conceivable analogy, just think about a flower with petals. The petals are these other dimensions which bleed into our world, which is at the center. However, it's not that pretty. We see the physical world through the lens of spacetime: sizes, speeds, etc. These other dimensions don't necessarily have space or time. In fact, what actually exists there, I couldn't say. The only data I have on them is from two sources: correspondence information and server data from the secret agency (which I'll call "the Organization") that keeps this under wraps, and first-hand experience with realms from these other entities, either directly (I experience it) or through the eyes of someone else with the same or greater abilities than I possess.
I referred to these people with abilities earlier as "Antennas", and I will continue to use the term. Antennas really come in three flavors, marked by the strength of their ability: weak Antennas, like me, are able to observe spontaneous interactions between our universe and other dimensions (phase shifts) when there is a strong force of collision like existed in the basement; moderate Antennas may see phase shifts occur at any point, and they usually are able to retain memories from across the different transformations; strong Antennas, and I don't know if they exist yet, but they are able to consciously interact with these other realms and cause phase shifts to occur.
I mentioned that moderate Antennas are able to retain memories from before and after a phase shift. Technically, all Antennas have this ability, but it's about degree. I can recall only very specific instances and without much detail. Moderates are usually able to pick out much more nuanced minutiae. At the lower end of moderate scale, most of those details fade or get fuzzy over time, but for the very strong Antennas, they hold onto almost everything. One other property that scales with strength is interaction with other conscious entities. Only a small percentage of moderates are able to do this. What's interesting is that these entities can possess (yes, like ghosts) people who aren't even antennas, but no one is aware of such possession at this deep of a level. I have several companions now, and only two have had interactions with these otherworldly beings. Not all of them are malevolent, some of them are whimsical or kind, but there are a fair share of demons out there.
Getting back to the point, Area X started as a government funded project in the 70's. At that time, they were focused on a few subjects: Artificial Intelligence, DNA sequencing, and psychedelics. Yes, they were part of the infamous LSD experiments. But they looked at these subjects through a common lens—there was something that the burgeoning tech industry, fueled by the advent of a commercial computer market, was missing. As the tech giants rose in the early 2000's and began to collect mass amounts of data, this other agency was decades ahead in a different metric, although it was completely (and still is) hidden from the public. Their efforts to understand psychedelic experiences led to a formalized method of understanding interactions between multiple realities. They built certain scanning equipment to detect anomalies like the one I found in the basement; although their tools were much more sophisticated and didn't utilize voltage readings. Then they ran tests in these areas. One area in particular is a hot-bed of phase shift interactions. That's where Area X is located (and the Receiver).
The Receiver is a giant electromagnetic orb that has trapped the kind of multi-dimensional energy that causes the phase shifts; since the Organization seized control of the lab, it's effectively become a map of the Earth in relation to these other worlds. For the past twenty or so years, the Organization has been studying this map, using the data big Tech companies have collected to essentially develop a Rosetta Stone for interpreting the meaning of the fluctuations in their scanning equipment. Recently, the public, though going the long way round, was actually pretty close to a breakthrough in this same department until recently when ultra-powerful LLMs surfaced, and the whole world began going down what I'd argue is the wrong rabbit hole of language processing. But I digress.
Area X is essentially a private military base built for defending the most impactful piece of technology ever invented. With the Receiver, the Organization now has the power to essentially predict any and all future outcomes, the only thing holding them back is the limitations of their own scanning equipment which will get better with time. To put it into perspective, the Organization has access to a kind of data allocation tool which in one day can produce over ten thousand times that the Big Data companies combined would be able to filter through in the next decade. You might think, then, that the problem is merely asymmetric power, and that is certainly a concern, but it isn't the main concern. The main issue is that this organization is actively recruiting (and kidnapping) Antennas from around the world in an effort to find or make one of them into a strong Antenna. In other words, they want a subject who is able not only to see the future, but to manipulate it at will.
balance to the world. I've been working on amassing resources, capital, and building my own team, and now I'm ready. You might ask why I'm posting this here. Wouldn't it be better to keep all this secret? Well, yes, it would be. But that's the problem. Nothing is secret anymore. They know about me and the others, and if I don't make a move, they will. In a way, this is a letter directly to the organization that I know, and I'm coming.
In a different way, I wanted to release this information to the public. There are lots of people out there waking up and realizing that the world they experience is not the one others experience. If you think you might be an Antenna, don't be afraid—you have a special gift that can be controlled. If you want more details on how to control it, or if you're interested in my mission, don't be afraid to reach out. This hasn't always been my life's work, but it is now.
At least until I die.

People go at Drake for THP6 but completely accept that Kendrick is pushing claims that have zero base. This is just an example of the reality that people will mindlessly believe anything if it aligns with whatever narrative they want. Let's have a look at the facts: Drake hid his kid and he had a campaign rollout for the public announcement
Drake was not in a LTR with the mother of his child. Meaning the responsible thing to do is to have a paternity test, especially when the kid comes out with blonde hair and blue eyes. After that it makes sense to focus on your family dynamic and figuring out how you're going to coparent
Any assessment of Drake's ability to be a father should be based on how he treats his kid. Anyone claiming that he should tell the world is exposing that they have some weird obsession and entitlement and ironically simultaneously demonstrating why he made the best decision
Yes, celebrities monetise their child announcements. What do you think the photoshoot Instagram posts are about? Or the magazine front cover and article? Or whatever other way they do it. Even if he had something with Adidas lined up that makes him a good businessman not a bad father lol
In the end there's zero evidence for Drake being a deadbeat or absent or even slightly bad father. Which is why the reaction to THP6 really exposed people's biasedness

Sorry it's so late this week. I'm an ex Seoul Dynasty player as well and I was a bit too busy so I kind of just listened to all for it and then got way too busy for a few days with work. Here's the loose translations for episode 5 of Overwatch University. Rush had to leave very early on due to Internet issues and Moon who was watching at the time volunteered to help as a lot of the talk was in regards to the Seoul vs Shanghai Rivalry anyways so having both POVs was insightful
Topic 1 Intros and Seoul Dynasty Season 1
Aid: Have you seen Overwatch University given you have been invited by NineK
Tobi: Not really. I've skimmed around and seen pieces of the Crusty interview and Moon interview.
Aid: We're going to go over Tobis lengthy career as we were both pros
NineK: Isn't it kind of disrespectful to Tobi for you to group him up with you?
Aid: I had a lot of talent I just got cursed with a shit Coach like you NineK right Tobi?
Tobi: True
Aid: See two instances of your failures
NineK: What does that make the people who won under me? You two must've been the problem.
Aid: (pulled up Seoul Dynasty s1 roster and Tobi just explains who all of them were) Honestly you guys didn't do amazing right?
Tobi: No we were bad we went 7-3, 7-3, 5-5, and then 3-7. Just mid
NineK: Did you feel in preseason scrims you were in trouble?
Tobi: No I didn't we did very well even in the preseason games we won everything.
Rush: There any problems we didn't know about you can tell us?
Tobi: I can tell all the potential members we could've had though. Carpe, Fury, Gesture, Jjonak
NineK: Wow you started and ended with Seoul now that I think about it.
Aid: So we heard lots of rumors about Seoul but I heard you had unique member rotations where only allowing certain players for certain stages?
Tobi: If I'm clarifying a bit the split rosters was more of a season 2 decision with an A team and B team where eventually the roster mixed together. Biggest issue was the coaches couldn't agree. So sometimes they would just take turns like coach A gets to decide today then coach B gets to decide what to do and then coach c.
NineK: I heard you basically did that with a new coach per stage.
Rush: Who was your head coach?
Tobi: 4 coaches + extras
Aid: How did you decide who played what?
Tobi: Honestly the meta was so hard locked at the time the biggest issue was the coaches disagreed how we should play and it was very confusing how we should do it. We basically went back and forth with a coach of the day deciding what we did.
NineK: Too many games too. That's how Shanghai went 0-40 cause there was way too much. Not to mention no one wanted to scrim them cause it's not like you wanted to be their first victory either.
Tobi: We scrimmed them a bit
NineK: Wow you're nice people.
Tobi: They've invited us over at times and made food for us too.
Rush: Yeah there's pictures of it.
NineK: Cause of the Korean members?
Tobi: No this was way before that
NineK: Wow so kind. Isn't it cause your results weren't good either?
Tobi: Uhhh... Where were you in season 1?
NineK: I came in late. Stage 3. Season 1 was fun though
Aid: Honestly getting dragged back and forth by your coaches must be stressful. As a player there has got to be times when you do something one way and think to yourself why the heck does he want me to do it this way instead
NineK: Also they'd probably never had that many members to work with either since they just added players to Lunatic Hai
Tobi: True. We had 11 starting members and then acquired Gambler when I was having wrist issues. Then we lost another member and went back to 11. I truly believe having 12 members was so pointless
NineK: I agree like it's good if you can make it work but if you don't it just makes people feel awful. I don't know why people insisted so much on large rosters.
Tobi: Lots of people lots of possibilities I guess?
Rush: Also this is when OWL wanted to copy traditional sports so they got a bunch of players on their rosters
Tobi: They did invest more in OWL back then
NineK: They were really the team designed to win everything weren't they?
Rush: I remember an article saying they had an 80% chance of winning
NineK: People don't get how hard this time was cause of the random Mercy meta. Honestly probably wouldn't have been this bad for Seoul if patches came out like they do now
Tobi: Meta was unfavorable sure but we just played poorly to be honest
NineK: Wow so honest very cool
Topic 2: Ryujekong
Aid: Everyone was so confused by Ryujehong on Tank I want to hear what happened
Tobi: Honestly it's been so long I don't remember this time very well. I also wasn't even scrimming or playing at the time because of my wrist. I was basically just going to the doctor. We had kuki who for reasons was having troubles so he stopped playing and then Miro was having a lot of struggles at the time as well with how the meta was playing. It's mostly because of the comms cause obviously Miro had better mechanics Jehong sucks at primaling too but he would take space well and call out commands for the team to help
Aid: How did your scrims go?
Tobi: I don't remember
NineK: He can't help but not remember there were only scrims allowed at the practice facilities at the time and kids that were ill like him straight up just didn't even go. There were set times
Aid: So this isn't Jehongs main position and he was forced to tank must have been hard.
NineK & Rush: Must be
Tobi: It absolutely was. Imagine how sorry he felt to Miro. He was a support replacing Miro. If he fails not only does he get ridiculed for it but people slander Miro for being replaced by a tank of this caliber he felt very burdened feeling sorry that Miro might get insulted more than he did
NineK: I remember at the time a lot of people said Jehong had a bad Zenyatta as well but I thought it was good
Aid: Yeah I don't really see how he was particularly bad
NineK: Honestly the way things were he was probably just getting compared to Jjonak who was a beast at the time. The flame for Jehong was insane at the time
Aid: I remember his team would just hyper pocket Jjonak and have him just frag. NYXL were so defensive and good at pocketing.
NineK: In another way of seeing things that playstyle not being meta anymore might be why NYXL couldn't hack it in finals.
(Watching VOD of Seoul vs London)
NineK: Damn Munchkin fucking sucked at Tracer
Rush: Wait why is Fleta playing Widow?
Tobi: He was really good at Widow
NineK: He was
Rush: Then what is Munchkin good at
NineK: Just Cassidy Soldier. But Widow was so broken back then
Aid: Monkey could never catch her cause of her grapple cooldown
NineK: Nearly all the monkeys sucked at primal dribbling too. If a Mercy pocketed her she never died either. Who was good then again? Carpe...
Tobi: Linkzr Surefour Pine
Aid: Wow such names from my memories
NineK: Gesture Fury were way too good at Monkey D.va. Honestly there's so much shit about London I wanna expose
Aid: Bring Profit
NineK: I'll get Rascal easily. Wow Bdosin looks so young here what the he'll.
Topic 3: End of Season 2 VOD of Jehong Tobi Crying Post Elimination to Spark
Aid: I didn't know this happened at the time but NineK mentioned this happened can you explain?
Tobi: At the time role lock got forced and doomfist hanzo reaper were good. At the time we were kind of really good in scrims but lost to a team in tournament we never lost too in scrims. Jehong was already out there crying and I didn't want to come out and Danny kept forcing me to come out even though I said I didn't want too. But I was afraid the broadcast would get delayed or ruined cause of me so I was forced to.
Ninek: At the time we were preparing for our game up right after them but our GM was so fuxking angry at the time like how could you force them to do this right after they lost he complained a lot to Blizzard. Cause just imagine, thank God you brought out two veterans and media trained players. Imagine if you brought out complete noobies if it was this hard for these 2 veterans imagine what they might let slip on a broadcast when emotions are this high. This is also right after their season ended and they were officially eliminated.
Rush: From Blizzards POV these 2 were icons of the game and they probably felt like they could really show the importance and feelings toward this game to the audience watching
NineK: But like RIGHT after they lost is insane to me. Like let them process instead of fucking ambushing them as they're coming down from the stage.
Rush: But it's important cause this is when they're at the peak of the emotions being felt so I get it.
NineK: There's actually so many players who went down that stage to the hallways down crying
Aid: Of course they work hard and it didn't work.
Tobi: When we scrimmed we only lost to 1 team ever. Shock. We beat Vancouver NYXL Spark everyone else.
NineK: Wow so strong
Tobi: But in the end we just lost to Spark
NineK: I can say this now but we scrimmed Hangzhou a lot at this time. They didn't have a coach we were their coaches. Literally they would scrim us and copy us the next day in games. Since GOATs they basically decided they couldn't beat us so they copied our opening strats positioning skill usage everything. That's why they did decent
Aid: So Seoul lost cause of you
Tobi: We regretted a lot because of some of our microplays. There was a thing when double shield was first happening where Moria sprays her heals on the tanks right? The enemy Sigmas could shoot their shield out behind the Orisa to block the heals. And we thought this was possible but went and said it wasn't going to be a difference maker and ignored it
NineK: Wait we were doing that since day 1 lol
Tobi: We lost to Spark because of that. We felt awful cause this is something we thought could happen but ignored. At the time Marvel was our Sigma and Michelle who was a traditional offtank was forced on Orisa. We had Fissure who was good at Orisa who retired so we had no Orisas.
Aid: Timings always been off for Seoul I guess
NineK: No wonder you felt so many emotions. I was so sad seeing this. Seoul was honestly so good in season 2 but always somehow was just one step short. It hurt my heart to see them.
Aid: Players don't like to cry like that so they have to have been feeling so much to cry like this
Topic 4: Seoul vs Shanghai
Aid: We had Moon and he said some stuff on this we were all in the West and we would just see the results but this May Melee where you were up 3-0 and got reverse swept... your stories about this?
Tobi: We didn't get ahead of ourselves Shanghai was always good at Gibraltr and we thought we would lose this map but win the rest for a 4-1. I'm not sure how we lost Busan though
Tobi: We won a lot with our double shield
Rush: Fearless wasn't supposed to play
Aid: Fearless told me at the time he didn't get to scrim even once and then came in and won everything
NineK: Wow
Aid: Yeah no scrims at all
NineK: Wait Tobi why us Bdosin on Brig and you on Baptiste?
Tobi: I played the Baptiste for Seoul at the time cause Bdosin fucking sucked at Bap. This mother fucker could never use his abilities properly. He must've gotten sick in the head watching Viol2t play or something cause whenever he had cooldowns he would be on some high ground alone shooting and scream "Aghhh" and die off on his own
NineK: I remember now it wasn't super locked who played what because no one had Briggitte experience at the time
Tobi: Also if this happened there would be cases where in double shield mirror your Brig had to swap to Zenyatta but at the time Gesture had too many complaints about coordinating his pulls with Bdosin
NineK: I have no idea how Seoul lost this right now
Tobi: There's no absolutes in Overwatch. But the only thing I remember is our loss in Junkertown
Aid: For Kings Row I remember the Felta carry with Widow this was probably in all of those OWL top 5 highlights. I still can't believe how far Shnghai got in Junkertown though
NineK: Wow even Fearless is playing Orisa here
Tobi: That's why we thought we would win here. It's such a double tank focused map. Fits was randomly flanked high on the left and I td him to get down but he died on our A defense.
NineK: Wow you guys got out ult cycled like crazy
Rush: The Torbjorn choice here leaves a lot to be desired
NineK: I agree
Aid: So then there is that little celebration Shanghai did how did you feel
Tobi: Can I curse?
NineK: Seoul is just so ugh... like back in season 2 they beat New York during GOATs who was supposed to be top 2 but Seould couldn't take those next steps to greatness here as well. There are those super important games that once you win you just go on a roll and Seoul never got to do it
Tobi: I really hated losing to Shanghai cause I could've been on the team.
NineK: Really?
Tobi: Yeah I received offers from them on 3 separate occasions but ended up choosing Seoul. I wanted to believe I made the right choice so I wanted to win
Topic 5: Tobi Happy. Season 3
Aid: There's this gif of you happy after a win
NineK: It's so funny you took your glasses off before cheering
Tobi: At the time we lost to Shanghai so often but then finally beat them
NineK: The thing is Seoul was lucky cause they actually shouldn't have been in the season 3 finals originally.
Rush: Washington was the biggest offender
NineK: Off memory it felt like a "everyone suffered because of COVID so everyone gets a chance" thing
Tobi: But the thing to note is we did well in the West before we were forced to go to Korea and beat Glads and Valiant. We won like all of our scrims at the time.
NineK: Fine I'll give you that
Rush: Seoul was honestly really good during the online era
Aid: What did you think of the Hog meta?
Tobi: I was a huge doubter. Like at the time it was Zarya Hog or Sigma Hog. It just had none of the fundamentals of Overwatch I was used to seeing. I just couldn't believe it.
NineK: Tobis a purist "where do you come from thinking Hog could ever be a main tank"
Tobi: His ability to take space was unreal at the time. But Gesture was really into it and Wizardhyeong pushed for it
Aid: Gesture was a really good Hog though
NineK: All the guys there had good Hogs. Gesture Super Smurf Fearless were all good at it
Rush: But Shanghai didn't play it
NineK: I don't know Shanghais reasoning but I know Shock played how they did cause Viol2t fucking sucked at Ana lol. The thing is he did win with it but his scrim results as Ana was terrible
Rush: Viol2t Ana is known in the community as weaker though
NineK: But he doesn't think so
Tobi: I heard it got to the point where Crusty said he would do better if he played than Viol2t
NineK: That's why Architect played it for a bit. They had Twilight but I have no idea why they didn't use him more. I don't know how much I should say when there's no Shock rep from the time here but as far as I Know Super wasn't supposed to play. Smurf was but he didn't fit with his playstyle and the team well enough at the time
Tobi: If I have to point out regrets in the Shock game it was not using Zenyatta on Busan
NineK: But shouldn't you playing something other than the Ashe?
Tobi: No this was when Ashe was super broken and Profit was really good at her
Aid: The more I see it the more I really feel regrets about Seouls performances
NineK: That's what I've been saying Seoul was almost never bad and had huge upside a lot for different points in time. Honestly they're Asia's Philly Fusion
Tobi: You know how it is NineK if one thing changed with your Hotba strategy or Rascal not waking the monkey
NineK: I had a team with Tobi and Carpe and caught the 2nd place curse
Tobi: Woah why are you blaming me I've won plenty.
NineK: I did too before meeting you guys
Tobi: Then it's Carpes fault
NineK: I guess it is lol
Aid: At this point we need to have Carpe on to defend himself
NineK: We're going to go watch his games this Saturday
Tobi: The Hollwood bug pissed me off too
(Vod review where Tobi popped Valkyrie in spawn and the D.va bomb from Choi killed Tobi in the respawn room) this and Viol2t living at 1 health
Aid: Wow you guys are just destined to not win that day
Tobi: It was everything against us honestly
NineK: Honestly in the regular Hog comps Seoul and Dhock were about even but Seoul couldn't beat Shocks Hog and Ball Comp
Tobi: I actually wanted to go Numbani here instead of Hollywood
NineK: I remember at this time Choihyobin was getting gapped by Hanbin a bit and all of us joked his time was over and Hanbin would replace him as the new offtank goat
NineK: I remember at this time Shock felt Bdosin was scarier. They took more maps with him. Even though they defended better with Creative
Tobi: I think at the time he wasn't getting too much scrim time so he just said to let Creative play
Topic 6 Coach Tobi
Aid: You came back after being a player for Fusion to being Head Coach of Seoul Dynasty how was that for you?
Tobi: I kind of just stopped feeling the desire to compete like "I definitely can still compete mechanically but guess it might just not work out from here"
Tobi: Was worried that newer players he hadn't yet played with wouldn't follow his leadership well
Aid: So who was the player who least listened to you
Tobi: Everyone below me followed very well
Aid: So did you work well with the other coaches given it was mentioned there were previously conflicting visions?
Tobi: Oh these people were later coaches and we had very good talks together and worked well together
NineK: Since we wanna wait for our other guest when we talk about the next topic let's move on and talk about our time together in Fusion
Tobi: There were a lot of regrets weren't there?
NineK: The biggest problem for me was I didn't know we would be playing in Korea when I made the roster and heard it from someone from another team.
NineK: I felt sorry to Carpe for that. He's like Seoul where certain key moments not working out it feels like de-railed everything for him.
Aid: What did you think when you joined and first got to know NineK?
Tobi: When I joined I did so because I heard so much good stuff about him. Like he just knows a lot about Overwatch so I was curious about him and learned a lot. There's Crusty NineK Moon and Rush that are the coaches that are very well talked about that I was curious about. I got to meet NineK and Wow I'd never believed someone could get so angry over this game he would slam on the desk yelling while coaching. But the thing was while doing that he would always be right about what he's saying
Topic 7: Moon Joins
(Moon joins the podcast because Rush was lagging out)
NineK: So is it true you sent offers to Tobi
Moon: I guess I should say hi first. My name is Coach Moon who tried to get Tobi every year but failed.
NineK: I tried that with Fury
Aid: Is one of the reasons you wanted to beat Seoul no matter what because you didn't get to recruit Tobi?
Moon: No actually around that time I got in a lot of trouble with my wife. She said I talked to Tobi more than her. This was before we signed LeeJaeGon
Tobi: In 2020 season Shanghai actually had a lot of players I wanted to play with. Fleta Lip and such. As well as just giving a better offer out right.
NineK: Void too.
Tobi: Yeah always keeps contact with him too. But I really wanted to run it back with Ryujehong one last time because of the regrets of our last 2 seasons together to redeem ourselves. But he ended up choosing Vancouver and as I ended up wanting to go to Shanghai instead, they ended up already getting LeeJaeGon instead
Aid: Man the timing has just never worked out for Tobi
NineK: When he was on Fusion with me he used to always joke "damn if I was on Shanghai at least I could've been winning while benched"
Moon: So at the time LeeJaeGon and Tobi were my first choices but LJG told me he didn't want to join because he wanted to go to Mayhem with other Runaway members and then Tobi was looking at Seoul so I almost ended up with no one. But eventually LeeJaeGon chose us and tobi reached out the day after that.
NineK: So you regret not getting Tobi?
Moon: I mean you can't argue this given our results...
Tobi: They did so well
NineK: Tobi would've made the team fun for you though. That season was really bad for us but we had a lot of fun
Topic 8: Seoul vs Shanghai KickOff Clash
Aid: It looked like Seoul was happier beating Shanghai in winners finals than beating Philly in finals
Moon: The thing was the situation was so terrible for us at this time. We were quarantined with nothing.
Tobi: This team was the one we wanted to beat more than anyone else. It's why Profit was crying at the end of it all.
Moon: I will say their strats against us were very good they deserved the win regardless of what circumstances we had
Tobi: This gave me PTSD cause there was a moment when we were reverse swept in May Melee where Bdosin got pulsed with Rally. I told Vindsim no matter what to hold your shield up when he has it and in this one moment in the VOD he got stuck by fleta but thankfully Profit clutched
NineK: I will say when we got to the Hawaii LAN Shock picked you guys at Shanghai and I'll just say I didn't want to pick you.
Aid: Ahh it was the eternal rivals (implying Crusty chose Shanghai for revenge)
Moon: This time was really tough for us and we had a bunch of retirements after this. I think we thought more about what we would get to eat the next day or when we would be able to go to a Koreatown for the food we missed
NineK: It was so long
Moon: Honestly it was the hardest times for us.
NineK: It was really tough for us as well lockdown was so long.
Moon: I honestly don't want to hear lockdown complaints from anyone around me. If we were offline and I told you our horror stories everyone here would cry.
NineK: I mean everyone suffered but this sounds like military stories lol. Like everyone thinks they had it the hardest. Anyways Tobi tell us how you did things that led to that win.
Tobi: So you know there are things a lot of us say behind the scenes about coaches right? Like this guy is more of just a caretaker or this guy is more just strategies but I really wanted to be the coach who wouldn't have players feel bad I was their Coach. It's why I asked for a lot of help from previous coaches I worked under. I wanted all of my least favorite aspects of coaches I've seen in the past to not be things my players go through I let them all speak casually to me so they wouldn't be uncomfortable with me
NineK: Moon has the opposite take. He said his players can never act chummy with him and will always refer to him as coach
Tobi: My feelings were that I had previously worked with a lot of these players in the past so it feels okay
(VOD shows Seoul winning Kick off Clash 4-0 over Philly Fusion
NineK: Oh Carpes expression came out (literally half covered in shadows)
Aid: I didn't want to become a useless coach. Every explayer wants to be the opposite of the coaches they hated
Tobi: When I first won I was so happy to finally get a star under the Seoul Dynasty banner for Gen G.
NineK: I thought at the time though "all that for a stage win?"
Aid: We were like Wow they really are happy for a stage win
Moon: Well it was their first win of course they're happy and they beat us to do it
NineK: As coaches we can tell whether they just got lucky or actually were prepared. Poor Carpe though
Topic 9: Q & A
Aid: If you became a coach again and had to form a team which players would you want?
Moon: Wait but isn't the answer for those year very obvious?
Tobi: Yeah just erase Moons name and put me in
NineK: Then mix and match a bit
Tobi: Smurf Stalk3r Lip Chorong seems very good and then Shu
NineK: That's basically Crazy Raccoons. I'll just say this is cause he doesn't watch it
Tobi: I watched all the big games actuall
Moon: If he was really keeping up with the scene wouldn't he have picked Donghak?
Aid: If Gen G or T1 asked you to coach or team up with Ryujehong again for OWCS?
Tobi: I already got an offer to play with them and said no
Aid: Oh really why?
Tobi: Cause I knew what would happen lol. The kids nowadays level of play is so high
NineK: Just for fun I guess
Tobi: Well yeah if I streamed it and stuff sure but the team even with me or without wouldn't have done well
Moon: Honestly the player gap between the experienced old guard and the new is high right now but you'd hope it would get closer by next year
NineK: More than player gaps I'd rather be worried about the coaching level. It's really just Moon Crusty Rush again. Tobi isn't coaching anymore either... so tobi this is to say coach again please.
Tobi: I did get an offer but the timing didn't work out.
Aid: Always the timing
Tobi: Before Falcons formed I think it could've worked but Smurf was gone and all the teams were formed and then I got the call and was a decent offer. But the timing was bad.
Moon: Where the players weren't available anymore. But just swipe them from their teams
Tobi: But I didn't wanna steal players with offers of contracts
Moon: Why not?
NineK: The difference between a dirty person and clean person
Moon: But the thing is they don't have contracts
NineK: Yeah wait they definitely would want money
Moon: That's my point he could've offered stability to more players in the scene
NineK: Then you are at fault Tobi
Tobi: There was a condition though. The org really wanted to win and asked if I could form a team to win.
Moon: Oh that would be hard (smiling in Crazy Raccoons)
NineK & Aid: (dies of laughter at the humble brag)
Moon: I did work really hard to swipe the good players.
NineK: Was it a foreign org?
Tobi: Yeah it was
Moon: I wish more teams came into the space
NineK: If tobi even at least coached Genesis they would've been better
Tobi: I did get that offer but said no
NineK: Didn't want to work for bottom feeder teams?
Tobi: Well I wasn't close with any of the players either
NineK: You shouldve just gone to orga offering up super teams and swiped like Moon did.
Moon: I just had a skeleton crew formed and did mine
NineK: Whatever it was it's just kind of sad Tobi isn't coaching actively right now is all
NineK: I like this question. If Coach Tobi could speak to player Tobi of the past what would you say to them?
Tobi: Probably to be sure of yourself and confident in your play and your decision. I used to basically fly to whoever screamed for help no matter who was in a bad position trying to help. I definitely learned afterwards and worked really hard to improve my Mercy
NineK: I remember at that time Yobi worked really hard to improve his Mercy and it was really good I agree. It's sad to hear given how things went for Seoul but it is a cool answer
Aid: ProFits from friend POV to players POV
Tobi: Profit whether as a friend or player was a great and reliable friend. Fits was the hassle
Aid: How so?
Tobi: Never listening always whining just a big baby. Cute little brother while Profit was a reliable friend
(Just chatting while looking for interesting questions)
Moon: I'm saying this now but Shanghai starting at 0-40 we worked so hard to hit that 40-40 and it took so long. We won so much and still took a while
NineK: A fun thing to ask whenever we have an ex-player is have they ever felt like watching a scrim they would do better?
Tobi: I have scrimmed actually. Vindaim was ill and in the hospital so I played. We won.
Ninek: You say yes to this question if you win the scrims if you lost you would say it didn't happen
Tobi: True
Tobi: Here's one about Seoul I like. Why did you when you had LeeSooMin and Krillin make Krillin a main support? The answer is Krillin said during Washington he got to try a bunch of heroes and LeeSooMin was pretty decent at Kirik at the time. I had worked one year with Vindaim and it was good for us so I hoped for the same to happen. The initial meta was good for us too until we hit the Sombra meta
NineK: I think the only ones happy to hit the Sombra meta was Atlanta
Moon: (struggling to find a good question when smurf comments in chat) Yo Smurf don't you need to go practice right now?
Moon: Sorry that was a joke
NineK: Oh I like that one
Tobi: So there's a question about our 2023 roster and I wanted to talk about it. Right after 2022 going into 2023 was to keep Smurf Profit then get Lip who was receiving some offers at the time keep Vindaim and get Twilight. This would've been my personal choice if I had the money to form my team but everyone ran out of money. I even had back ups for everyone but like Bernar planned but everything fell through
Moon: Do you regret picking up Void?
Tobi: No I don't
NineK: What about losing to former players of yours and stuff?
Moon: Want me to call Void and ask him what it felt like losing to the Fleta Tank?
NineK: Oh my god that sounds so good
Tobi: I think he's working right now
Moon: Oh that's right he would be working right now
NineK: Man I'm so curious. I hate losing to my former players
NineK: Wanted to know if back in OW1 you had a team fully built around you who would it be and would you win?
Tobi: Honestly looking at my history I'm kind of bad at forming teams lol. Honestly I could've been on NYXL in season 1 as well.
NineK: Wow.
Moon: I can say one thing. I've literally walked to his house before. He thought a lot about it. Like I didn't think it should be this hard a decision when I was so convincing.
Tobi: I just really wanted to run it back with Jehong one last time and Fearless wasn't in the planned roster at the time either.
Moon: True it was very early on in the team formation
Tobi: Yeah it's regrettable isn't it?
NineK: Tobi does make bad choices that's why he joined Fusion under me
Tobi: Timing worked for that time period though
NineK: Alright back to the question make your super team only caveat is you can't change them and have to run them seasons 1 through 6
Tobi: To be happily teamed with them Carpe Profit Gesture Fury...
NineK: Wait a second Ryujehong isn't being brought up
Tobi: We are excluding him from this but honestly there's way too many good flex supports so I don't know. Shu was really good but Viol2t is also nah just Shu.
NineK: Shu is fun and good.
Tobi: He's good at like everything. Even since season 2 when I'd play Mercy he would shoot me so much more than everyone else as Ana
NineK: When you went game 5 against MightyAOD any players that stood out to you?
Tobi: Did we go game 5 against MightyAOD? I genuinely can't remember the Lunatic Hai games that well outside of just like finals games anymore. I'm sorry but it's been years.
Moon: Ooh how did you feel about Prophet being on your team and then once he was dropped and went to 02Blast losing to him?
Tobi: He was good but the thing is whatever we put him on just didn't fit with how the team played and the Sombra meta was at its peak as well. We were tired and he was tired cause it just wasn't the best fit for either of us. I wanted him to keep doing well so I could be confident it was just a mismatch and that my scouting ability was still good. But then the meta swapped to like Widow Hanzo.
Moon: Oh wait so once again it's a choice Tobi made he regrets...
Tobi: Well no technically in the last game versus them we did win to be fair. Honestly though when he did win damn I felt low key a little bit upset/betrayed
NineK: Did you see him do the X on the Dynasty symbol spray?
Tobi: I didn't mind that all the players do that
NineK: Hears something funny for Moon to answer. " I heard Lip purposefully made sure not to wear the Fusion skins for Asia Finals is it true"
Moon: I specifically checked his PC to make sure he wasn't wearing it "Are you wearing a Fusion skin or not? Yes or no."
NineK: Wow you check their PCs?
Moon: Yeah I made sure none of them wore Fusion skins for Asia Finals
Tobi: Carpe might need to come on here at this point
Moon: I don't believe in jinxes like this but my players do so I did it just so they don't have to think for a second there is some Fusion curse that will make them lose
Tobi: Like you don't want unnecessary factors creeping into their minds
Moon: Exactly
NineK: Did you have any of those jinxes or lucky charms as a player?
Tobi: During Lunatic Hai I would on game days only eat noodle dishes and then we would win. I'd wear the same pair of socks for all the big games as well. But then I went to the League and kept losing and none of that stuff applied anymore
Moon: Yeah I don't believe in it as a supernatural force but whatever makes people more confident the better
(Randomly scrolling for questions)
Moon: I really did wanna try coaching Dynasty once.
Tobi: Why?
Moon: You know as a Korean it was kind of sad seeing the Korean team under perform I wanted to go there after my contract with Shanghai ended and try to get them a big win
Tobi: I see
Moon: Now that I'm thinking about it I never got an offer from Seoul ever
NineK: Really? I think I got an offer from Seoul basically every year since 2019
Moon: Oh one thing I really wanted to ask was how you beat the Infernal (Dynasty vs Infernal early 2023 when Infernal scrimbux was way better than everyone else)
Tobi: Oh that? They just played poorly.
Moon: I was so curious cause they were supposed to be so good
Tobi: Yeah they must have been nervous or something we didn't win cause we were better they were just worse that day.
NineK: When Tobi first joined Fusion he actually beat Dynasty and was so happy about it. He was such a good player to have he was on the bench for quite a while initially but kept his mental up and was a very good teammate for us.
Final Words
Tobi: I'm not actually retired from coaching. I still keep up with the League and love the game. I hope Overwatch keeps growing and I want everyone to know I'm not gone just yet. If there's a chance I'm ready whenever
NineK: Honestly I will say a lot of Overwatch kids have this issue not just Tobi where they hope opportunity will fall on their laps.
Tobi: I'll agree. It was my first time doing this stuff and I had no idea what the scene was going to be like.
Moon: I was very proactive and quick about it for sure
NineK: Do you have any team you'd like to join? Quickly before we end the podcast appeal to Moon for a job
Tobi: Well if you just give me the call I'm ready
Moon: Well one thing I will note when Tobi was talking about coaches he asked for advice on being a coach he didn't contact me at all? Even though we talked for hours?
Tobi: I only contacted the people I actually worked under. I didn't want to bother everyone with my questions. It's not like I could expect other coaches that don't know me as well would divulge their secrets
Moon: I would've. I think it would have been very cool if you asked for my help
Tobi: Well to be fair before you joined I did say Crusty NineK Moon and Rush were the coaches I really wanted to try working with
NineK: It's not too late Tobi he's here now
Aid: Anyways final thoughts from you Tobi?
Tobi: It's been a while since I got to see fans of Overwatch and sit down with fellow coaches. I hope you all keep supporting Overwatch University and myself in the future.
NineK and Aid: Thank you to Moon as well for helping us last minute.
Moon: It's no problem I saw Tobis face and wanted to join right away.

Has anyone else experienced that their eyedrops (preservative free artificial tears) suddenly started burning/stinging? They’re not expired. I’ve really been happy about using Thealoz Duo, but they started burning and not really soothing anymore. I tried switched to Thealoz Duo Lipid instead to see if my eyes would react better to a more oil based artificial tear. Regardless, they both sting. Not always but often. The stinging does go away after some time. I haven’t tried any other brand.
I’m also using some allergy eyedrops prescribed by my eye doctor for itching that I’m on month three of (and supposed to stop using at the end of May). I know these can have the burning side effect, but I really don’t understand why my other eye drops aren’t comfortable to use anymore.

🛠 UNDER CONSTRUCTION ⚒️

The information detailed in this narrative is undergoing review and in the process of being updated.
Our philosophy within the SSDI_SSI Subreddit is to share our experiences to try to assist others. It does not necessarily mean that any shared experience will be a duplicate of your current experiences or outcomes.
Sometimes?
Just knowing that someone else has made it through similar difficult processes may make a huge difference to the stress you are currently (or soon will be) experiencing.
While I was going through some really rough times? I kept notes regarding some of the issues I was having, the numerous helpful resources I came across, and the search techniques I utilized.
Some of the resources I came across had nothing to do with a specific issue that I was experiencing.
However? If I thought the resources could be:

■ helpful to others?	■ relevant?
■ informative?	■ significant?

I kept track just in case the resources could be of assistance to others.
I gathered all of the notes / links I had collected and created this narrative through the years.
These resources are relative to people who live in the USA.
Although other countries may have such programs, they would (most likely) not share the same links.
You could utilize similar techniques (not the exact same links found here) to search for helpful resources in your community, perhaps.
In the USA? If you have a SmartPhone or a computer? You can actually call / locate sites that offer assistance and / or let your fingers do the walking!

This is a living document and will be changed as needed.

Type your zip code and the type of assistance that you need in your browser.
12345 affordable housing
12345 electricity / bill assistance
12345 find housing
12345 free dental care
12345 free eye glasses / lens
12345 free therapy
12345 free transportation
12345 paratransit services
You get the idea!
You can use different terminology during your search.
I have found that each city / state is different throughout the USA.
You never know what your community has already established for people who need help.
You will find that some communities offer more assistance than others.
If you don't have a SmartPhone or a computer?
Go to the library. There are all kinds of resources there - most of which are free.
While there? Pick up some books!!

Always keep looking for solutions.

Reach out to others.
We are a community on Reddit - created to help each other.
Don't give up!
No matter what!
I've compiled a list of helpful information / sites that I add to periodically. Some may help you now / some may not (but could nevertheless provide assistance in the future).
It's always good to know about these resources in case you ever need them.
Programs / headings are in alphabetical order:

Children

There are organizations specifically geared towards the needs of children. A few are detailed below.
National Diaper Network.
Women, Infants, and Children (WIC).
US Department of Agriculture (USDA) Food and Nutrtion Services - Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) - WIC Eligibility Requirements.

Disability Eligibility Requirements

If you or a loved one are 💯% disabled? You should consider applying for SSA disability benefits.
All SSA disability programs have the same criteria in regards to eligibility. If unable to work because of a medical / psychological condition, you are eligible for SSA disability benefits.
■ You have to be 💯% disabled (SSA does not award benefits for partial disabilities).
■ Unable to work.
■ Have a disability that will last for at least a year or end in your death.

We pay disability benefits to people who can't work because they have a medical condition that's expected to last at least one year or result in death. Federal law requires this very strict definition of disability. While some programs give money to people with partial disability or short-term disability, we do not.

If you have not already done so? Sign up for mySocialSecurity, with the ability to provide secure online access to your current earnings record and history. Information regarding your retirement, disability, and any survivor benefits that you and your family may be eligible for will also be accessible. Also? Your potential monthly benefits will be calculated.

Education

Continuing your education is a great way to learn.
You can go to school online and not even leave your home. Take a class here and there. Go to school at 3:00 am on a Wednesday or 4:00 pm on a Saturday.
There are no worries about parking, transportation, or rushing to make it to a class from your job.
Some states offer free college tuition for the first two years. There are other charges like room and board, textbooks and transportation (which will need to be paid for out of pocket).
Apply for Pell Grants or other types of assistance. Ask the school for whatever other programs may be avaliable to you.
Accredited Online Colleges.
Apply for Financial Aid.
Avoid fake degree burns by researching academic credentials.
The Best Online Colleges 2022.
Is Community College Free? In These 19 States, Yes.
Federal Pell Grants Are for Undergraduate Students.
Top 35 Tuition-Free Colleges For 2022

Food Assistance / Food Pantries

There are numerous resources available for food shotages. You do not have to go hungry. Don't be afraid (or ashamed) to ask for help.
14 Companies That Will Give You Food and Other Products For Free.
16 of the Absolute Best Freebies We’ve Ever Found Online.
23 Restaurant Apps That Get You Free Food.
60+ places to get FREE food via app or email signup!.
Find Food Pantries.
Find Your Local Food Bank.
Food Stamps - SNAP Food Benefits.
SNAP Eligibility Requirements for your family. In your state? There may be requirements that you have to work or other eligibility criteria that have to be met before SNAP is provided.
US Department of Agriculture (USDA) Food and Nutrtion Services Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).
US Department of Agriculture (USDA) Food and Nutrtion Services Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) Facts About SNAP.

Health Insurance

If you need health insurance? You might want to consider applying for the Affordable Care Act (ACA), which is income based. Benefits are different for each state. Depending on:
■ what agreement your state's Governor signed and your state's legislatures approved?
■ if the last administration allowed insurance policies (that cover nothing) to proliferate your state?
Your options are variable. Meaning? Your benefits will be uniquely tailored for your financial qualifications and your state.
A lot of people are turning to the reliable ACA because of everything that has transpired.
The ACA mandates that therapy be covered, too.
Affordable Care Act (ACA) Guarantees.
Apply for the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, also known as the Affordable Care Act (ACA) or Obamacare.
Everything to Know About Obamacare (ACA) Subsidies.
Health Care Rankings - Measuring how well states are meeting citizens' health care needs.

Medicaid Expansion

Medicaid Expansion and What it Means for You
Red states that have resisted Medicaid expansion are feeling pressure to give up.
Status of State Medicaid Expansion Decisions: Interactive Map.
What Marketplace Health Insurance Plans Cover.

Homelessness

HH Help for Every Casualty of Homelessness: Including Disabled SSA Applicants, Disability Recipients, and Veterans.

Housing Issues

Sometimes, there are huge differences in the types of housing / assistance you may be eligible for (depending on the state or community that you live in).
There may be a waiting list in your area, but you should at least apply for all programs.
Concerned About Eviction.
Find Your Local Public Housing Agency (PHA).
HUD Eviction Guidance.
Learn More About Renting and HUD Rental Assistance Programs.
Rent Relief Resources.

Interested in Moving?

We decided we needed to move when we noticed that the community we lived in did not provide the support we needed to have a better life.
We wanted to move to a location that offered exposure to better healthcare, health insurance, housing and paratransit services.
So?
Make a list of items that are important to you and your family. Rank them in order of importance.
Remember? Each community is different and offers different services.
Each jurisdiction has a Chamber of Commerce page or other similar resource that lists issues you might be interested in.
I searched the internet, made lists, and came up with the following resources (presented in alphabetical order) that were important to our family. You and your family might have other criteria.

(1) Helping Hands

Helping Hands Action Group monitors the benefits landscape for updates and changes to policies and programs. Depending on the jurisdiction? They offer transportation and other services. You should check 12345 Helping Hands in your area.
Check out the Helping Hands Action Group - click here.

(2) Medicaid Expansion

The Affordable Care Act’s (ACA) Medicaid expansion expanded Medicaid coverage to nearly all adults with incomes up to 138% of the Federal Poverty Level ($20,783 for an individual in 2024) and provided states with an enhanced federal matching rate (FMAP) for their expansion populations.

To date, 41 states (including DC) have adopted the Medicaid expansion and 10 states have not adopted the expansion. Current status for each state is based on KFF tracking and analysis of state expansion activity.

Check out the Status of State Medicaid Expansion Decisions: Interactive Map - click here.

(3) Paratransit / Transportation

Another thing you should consider adding to the list? Check to see what type of transportation services are offered.
You never have to worry about parking, blizzards, running out of fuel or parking meter money, taffic or anything else that would be a hindrance.
If your community has bus routes? You might have paratransit services available to you.
The fair is reasonable (much better than ubers, taxis or something else).
You do not need to be in a wheelchair for paratransit services.
The driver will walk you to and from the door of the building (your home and the appointment and vice versa).
You can use the services for anything you want to, such as vists to:

beauty parlors	parks
community events	physical therapy
library visits	school events
medical appts	shopping excursions
movies	veterinarian appts
museums	volunteer work

Anything you can think of - it is such a blessing.
I have lived in areas that had paratransit and areas that did not offer paratransit. It makes a huge difference in your sense of independence to be able to attend appointments and go places you need to. Without the interference of worrying about reliable transportation.

(4) Social Security Taxes

Moving to a state where they do not charge social security taxes dramatically increased our overall income. If you are interested in moving to states that do not require taxes on SSA benefits?
Check out 39 states that do not tax Social Security benefits - click here. Consider moving. It saved us a lot of money every single month.

(5) State Income Taxes

Moving to a state where they do not charge state income taxes dramatically increased or overall income. If you are interested in moving to states that do not require state income taxes?
Check out 9 states with no income tax - click here. Consider moving. It saved us a lot of money every single month.

Miscellaneous

Dial 211 Not sure where to turn? We are here for you.
Dial 988 Suicide and Crisis Support Lifeline.
Affordable Connectivity Program - Broadband Connection.
Ask Your Free Legal Question (licensed attorneys in your state / free).
Assurance Wireless - Lifeline Free Government Phone Program.
Find Help.
Go Fund Me.
Help with Bills.

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06-12-2018 Created 05-16-2024 Updated

I have no idea how to get out of this situation
I have zero support.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family and my parents have never supported me. I’ve been emotionally neglected since I was born. Both my parents are alcoholics, my dad is an abusive narcissist and my mom is extremely insecure and toxic. Have no contact with my mother at all.
I’ve struggled my whole life to fit in, to connect with other people, to find friends. During most years in school I was either bullied or invisible. I spent every recess sitting alone on a bench in the hallway. I never had a friend to do group projects with so I always did group projects alone or not at all. One time my teacher put me in a group and they completely ignored everything I said. My classmates did not even answer me when I spoke to them. Eventually I started skipping school because of depression so my grades aren’t great.
Life in school was terrible and it wasn’t much better at home. I had no safe space. It felt like an never ending cycle of BAD.
I had one friend in high school but after graduation we drifted apart. I was heartbroken by the fact that our friendship meant a lot to me but she never viewed me as important. She had a lot of friends so I was just a temporary person.
After high school I tried to turn my social life around so I decided to go out and try to meet new people. Big mistake. Ended up getting beat up and raped by a stranger. I’m too afraid to go to the doctors but I fear I might have aids now.
Since I had no support, I did not have anyone to tell. I’ve been carrying around this burden for 3 years.
Now I’m finding myself in a situation that seems impossible to get out of.
I like nothing about myself. I am not pretty. I have no talents, I don’t have good grades, I am unemployed, I have no friends, my family sucks, I have ptsd, anxiety, depression, ocd, phobias. I never even go outside. I cannot even handle making a phone call. I am afraid of everything to the point I break down and panic. I cannot afford therapy or medical care. I am not living my life, I am only existing.
At least I’m not homeless. I live with my dad in exchange that I do all the chores but he kind of just views me as a freak. He just lets me live with him but ignores me. He thinks I’m a failure. I am. He has threatened to throw me out soon and I understand I can’t live with him like this forever but I really feel like I have no place in this world. I see no future for me. I have no idea how to explain to an employer how I’ve never had a job. I don’t even know how to handle any job because I literally cannot hold a routine because of how bad my physical health has become due to lack of sleep and food. I have no strengt left, I am only skin and bones.
Ideally studying would be good but I feel like my brain has rotten. I lack knowledge and I can’t focus on anything. I fear it wouldn’t work out for me in school again. I fear history repeating itself as well with the bullying and stuff.
I feel paralyzed.

So I just got booted from all offices associated with UNC women’s health group offices.
It went from me leaving the office in a fury at the absolute bum foolery of a one Dr. Gregory Simolke; and yes I’m publicly shaming him, To me being dismissed from all campuses. It started with the nurse telling me to undress for a pelvic exam. I said, “what pelvic exam? I’m here to discuss PMDD treatment since all other forms have failed.” She laughed and said ok. Weird.
He comes in and explains to me all my labs are normal, uterus and ovaries are perfectly healthy, so what do I want? I tell him I would like to discuss a trial chemical menopause to see how my body would take actual menopause, and if I did well, I am requesting a total hysterectomy with total oophorectomy.
He looked puzzled and said “what’s that? Even if you did well with this “supposed” chemical menopause, it doesn’t mean you would handle menopause well at all. And you’re too young (33). I wouldn’t do it.”
I said “why not? Every other form of treatment has failed, im done having children, and frankly it’s my body and I’m tired of living in this prison of PMDD.”
He said, “well ssris will treat the mood part.” No it won’t. I’ve tried at least ten different ones.
Ok at this point I’m heated. I start to cry because the seasonique that was once my savior is no longer effective. In fact I had bled for almost an entire pack. I told him I had gotten a taste of what it was like to have a normal life, and I wasn’t giving it up. I will be greedy, for once in my life, to keep what I found. Oophorectomy. I know in my bones the ovaries are the problem. He brings up that since I had asked for a hysterectomy that could be done, but not the ovaries. I said what? I never asked for a hysterectomy only.
Anywho; I’m crying, my body is shaking, I tell him I need to leave and he says “well don’t you want to see your chart? I’ll show you where it says you asked for a hysterectomy.”
I took the bait. I was quite curious where that came from. Apparently I had said that at another visit with a different doctor. A lady I had saw two weeks prior for labs. She also said “discussed with patient the negative effects of excessive bmi on menstrual cycles.”
We never talked about that. Nice way of calling me fat; thanks.
Well; at this point I stand up; declare I am done with UNC health; and walk out the door. As I left I said “oh yeah, why DID you want to do a pelvic exam on me? I never asked for one and it wasn’t necessary. “ he said “well once you said you didn’t want one I didn’t press the matter, did I?”
I tried calling my surgeon (I didn’t go to him first bc he was impossible to get an appointment with and his receptionists would never answer the phone) a few hours later. The lady said I was dismissed from all premises and not welcome back. I said why not? She said apparently there was an incident with Dr. Simolke today, based on your behavior you aren’t welcome here.” I flipped my shit.
I demanded to speak with her supervisor and she said ok, one moment…..
Guess who is on the other end of the line? None other than our esteemed Dr. Simolke.
He laughed. And said “Hello? Are you there “ha ha ha.”
I epically flipped my shit.
I called him every name in the book.
I demanded he undo whatever he did to get me dismissed.
He said “ oh but it was you who decided you were done with us. You have no one to blame but yourself. I can try to speak with your surgeon to see if he wants to see you.”
I said “don’t you dare speak to him on my behalf. You have no right and I’m sure you’ll paint me in negative light.” He said well that’s your choice. I finally conceded defeat and asked him to speak with him. He said he would see what he could do and he hoped I got the help I needed.
I just tried to call my surgeon to give him my side of the story, and the receptionist said I was no longer a patient based on my terrible behavior and not welcome to call them or ever speak to my surgeon again. And she hung up.
Felling pretty upset rn, chat.

A couple years ago, I had the opportunity to attend an elite school (HYPSM) for college. I did not qualify for need-based financial aid, so I was expected to pay full freight ($350K). Costs were not a huge barrier as my parents make a fortune ($800K/year), but for various reasons they did not want me to attend. They've always wanted me to become a physician and I got into a program at a local T100/T150 regional college ($150K) where I am also guaranteed admission to medical school ($300K). To them, that was "good enough" — they claimed that I would crack under the pressure at a top school and never become a doctor — and the only thing they would pay for.
I tried reasoning with them because obviously HYPSM opens doors in pretty much every field, and I would be able to have so many back-up options if medicine didn't work out. They didn't really care, and I felt uncomfortable taking out an insane amount of loans to support myself or begging them for that much money, since ultimately it was their choice. I chose the regional college.
I figured I would come to appreciate the program and while I recognize that it's a solid deal, I've gotten more and more depressed because I completely fumbled away a life-changing opportunity. I don't know how much I actually want to pursue medicine anymore. At this point, it's really because my parents want me to and, more importantly, it's the only lucrative thing I think I can do with my degree (Biology-adjacent field). I've had this conversation with them and they are remorseful. They are paying for my regional college out of pocket and gifted me the entirety of my original college fund, so I have $210K under my name. Right now it's between stocks and a CD. I'm planning on putting it toward my retirement.
I've finished up my sophomore year and I'm doing well academically, and I'm on pace to graduate with my degree next year. I really don't know what I should do especially if I am growing more and more ambivalent on medicine:
Option #1: I can graduate early, take a year off, and then pursue medical school at my regional institution. Most people here go into primary care (I don't think I'm passionate about this, I want to go into surgery) and it appears that pedigree is becoming more important in medicine due to the board exams becoming Pass/Fail. I'm not a huge fan of the medical school and its location. I would likely work as a lab technician or possibly try to pursue a Fulbright in my year off before starting medical school.
Option #2: I can transfer out of my university. This seems silly now that I am two semesters away from graduating, but my school is very inflexible and it's hard for me to take additional classes outside of my (somewhat) dead-end degree. I was eyeing some schools (Brown, Rochester) that have a more open curriculum from which I could supplement my biology and anatomy coursework with CS and Statistics. This would run up the bill for undergrad by a good chunk, and depending on the school I might have to stick for a couple extra semesters (granted, I could also get a BS/MS so then the five total years wouldn't be that bad). I know I would be a lot happier at other schools, cost technically is not a big factor ,and maybe it could open doors into other careers. If I still want medicine, I can always take the MCAT (I've done well on practice exams) and re-apply. I could even go for MD/PhD programs if I want to. This seems like my last shot to keep doors outside of medicine open.
Option #3: I could add a second major at my current school. This would likely be Biochemistry (maybe a Stats minor?) or something already very similar to what I'm pursuing. This would allow me to stay all four years and maybe expand my skillset, granted I kind of hate my school and want to get out.
Option #4 (I guess this isn't mutually exclusive with the others): I can take the MCAT, apply out and hope I get into better medical schools. This would be nice because it increases my chance of getting into something surgery-related. There's a lot more leeway if I then decide to pivot into academia, consulting, pharma, or anything else outside of direct practice.
I would appreciate any advice.

Posting on here for some advice on whether to start using retinol again… I have a long story with acne and getting perioral dermatitis recently - really need some advice
For context, I have struggled with acne my entire life, from the age of 11 I was on multiple treatments including creams and antibiotics to try and control my spotty and oily t-zone. At the age of 17 I had a terrible break out on my cheeks, it was really severe and I had never had acne like that before. After numerous things I ended going on the contraceptive pill and that completely cleared my skin. I was on the pill for about 5-6 years but it really affected my mental health, depression, anxiety and mood swings were horrible so I finally came off it before the age of 23.
When I came off the pill I became quite nervous that all my acne would come back, I began getting spots here and there, and after seeing the rave about tretinoin online I decided to give it a go. It definitely wasn’t the best decision from me, I got the retinol uglies, I went in with 0.5 which was definitely too strong too quick and I was losing hope after a few months. I think my skin was just TOO exfoliated, I couldn’t figure out a routine and I think I was using too many products.
I then switched to Dermatica and got prescribed Adapalene 0.2% / Clindamycin 1% / Niacinimide 4% This felt better but my skin was continually peeling, it looks glowy now that I look back on pictures but I was still getting spots. Nothing drastic but I was definitely searching for that glass skin look.
After 6 months they switched my prescription and removed the Clindamycin (due to resistance to that ingredient I think you can only take it for 6 months). This was before Christmas time in 2023, the weather became really extreme and my skin suffered. I thought it was just the weather and I would lather in moisturisers and continue to only use Dermatica every 3rd night but my skin would not stop peeling. I contacted Dermatica and told them my side effects and they said that my skin is just getting used to it. I began to get a dry patch near my mouth which slowly got worse, I thought this was because of the weather but I got a lot of redness around my mouth and looking online I felt like I had developed perioral dermatitis.
Long story short I did have perioral dermatitis. I stripped my skincare routine to be VERY minimal and began taking antibiotic, I was prescribed Lymecycline from my doctor for 3 months, I also started using Azelaic Acid after following Dr Sam Bunting advice online.
Now that I have finished my antibiotic, I am still continually getting spots, it almost feels a tad worse now that I’ve finished the antibiotic (Lymecycline is also prescribed for acne as well as POD). My skin feels really clogged and my forehead just has a lot of tiny spots, I keep getting breakouts and I just want to not have to deal with it all the time, it feels NEVER ending that I have acne for the rest of time at the moment.
Here is my current skincare routine:
AM - Wash face with water - The Ordinary Caffeine Solution under my eyes - The Inkey List Azelaic Acid 10% - The Inkey List Vitamin C 15% (just started using this to brighten marks) - The Inkey List Niacinimide (for my oiliness) - The Inkey List Omega Water Cream (if my skin is feeling moisturised I don’t use this) - Paula’s Choice Clear SPF 30 Fluid
PM - Remove make up with The Inkey List Oat Cleansing Balm - Wash face with Dr Sam Bunting Flawless Cleanser - Dr Sam Bunting Flawless Neutralising Gel - this has 2% salycilic acid, 5% azelaic acid, 0.5% bakuchiol, 5% squalene (started using this in the past week now that I have finished my antibiotic and I only put it on my spots, most nights in the week) - Sometimes I may use Paula’s Choice BHA or AHA (probably once a week and not at the same time as the gel above) - Cosrx Snail Mucin (if my skin is feeling dry or I have used an exfoliator) - The Inkey List Omega Water Cream OR Aveeno Oat Restorative Night Cream
Treatments: - I’ve got the Omnilux Red Light Therapy mask and I use it a few times a week (my skin feels very hydrated and plump from this) - I’ve been using a high frequency wand a few times a week on my spots
I’ve been contemplating using The Ordinary Retinal 0.2% maybe once or twice a week in the evenings, but I’m just really nervous and not entirely sure whether it’s worth it. My skin did look good on Dermatica (apart from the peeling) and definitely way less clogged than I feel now, so I feel really tempted especially hearing that retinal is really good.
Considering I’ve been using Azelaic Acid daily for 3 months now I feel like my skin is slightly less sensitive, but I’m VERY worried I will fall into a trap and over exfoliate if my spots still continue, I’m a stress picker and I just want them gone so if one appears I just need to do something to it. I’m also very scared of the retinol uglies, I’ve started a new job recently and I’m definitely worried it will crush my confidence on a daily, as already I get quite down about spots.
Does anyone have any advice if retinal is a good idea?

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just wanted to write out what I'd been feeling and put it somewhere. I'm using a burner account, and no real names, I just needed to vent this somewhere
I dated my ex (I won't bother with names) for 4 years, and broke things off last summer. Like all relationships it was complicated, but now - nine months later - I still have no idea if I did the right thing, and am left feeling rudderless and adrift.
I'm 41, she's 32 - we met online four-ish years ago, immediately hit it off and started seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We started dating in Jan 2020 ... two months later, covid hit, and our entire state was essentially locked down. We went from dating to basically living together after two months - which, at the time, was great with me .. we were in love, and things seemed great. My parents split up when I was 19. In my 20's and early 30's, I'd made some bad choices with romantic partners - and chased after people who were emotionally unavailable, fundamentally. It took many years of therapy and introspection, but I had been actively making and effort to only date people I saw a real future with.
She (at 28) had never really dated anyone before. She explained she had some very severe trauma as a child, and coupled with abusive parents, she had never put herself out there really, and had focused on work, and fitness, and school. Her father had cheated on her mother when she was a child, and she knew about it (from a very young age). I heard all this, and tried to be as empathic and understanding and reassuring as I could -> after all, it wasn't anything she had done, and I thought she was a badass for overcoming that kind of abuse. We hit it off straight away, and seemed to have tons in common, and those first few months together were incredible. She still lived at home, with her parents - and for the duration of our relationship never moved out, or found her own space.
Things started to get strange when one day, I liked a female friend's post on Instagram ... this was someone I'd known for 5-6 years, and I was friends with long before I knew my gf. In retrospect, my friend's post was a bit thirsty .. your classic "I'm powerful, self possessed" look-at-me photos that showed a bit too much skin - and I should have just kept browsing, but I tapped 'like' (one of probably 20 posts I liked that day from all kinds of different friend) and moved on.
A few hours later, my gf called me, furious, and accused me of using her 'as a place holder' because - in her mind - I obviously REALLY wanted to be with this other friend of mine, and was using her. This came completely out of left field to me, and we had a 2-hour phone argument where I apologized, told her I'd remove the 'like', whatever she wanted. She kept circling back again and again that it was "totally normal" to go through a partners friend list / liked posts because "anyone can see them, they're public". We went back and forth, I was frantic and after we got off the phone, I went through my Instagram and basically purged any attractive female friend I had, and removed any likes I had to any post that might be weird or suspect. From them on I rarely used social media at all - but every few months my ex would find a new friend on my social media she didn't like, or suspected - even after I stopped interacting with social media at all.
This same sort of low-level suspicion persisted throughout our relationship. If I was looking at my phone, she wanted to know what I was reading, who I was talking to, etc. I have never cheated on a partner in my life, in fact I had been cheated on twice - so the sort of dull, constant suspicion really upset me - and after a while it almost felt like she was trying to manifest / discover some kind of secret infidelity. The tragic part is that we got along great otherwise, she loved my (male) friends, loved my family, and we had a relaxed and loving relationship besides occasional flare ups. But the suspicion never went away, or changed - and this sort of underlying insecurity was a constant background white noise of our relationship. She especially took a disliking to my roommates girlfriend, and made it a point to always talk about how much she disliked her, how they weren't going to last - etc (I can't say I blame her, the girl in question was not awesome .. but I never understood why his g/f should have such an outsized effect on our relationship). Despite all this, I thought she was an a kind, empathic, intelligent woman - and I saw a life with her, I saw starting a family with her - as real possiblities.
She grew very attached to my family, which also started to make me wonder what was going on. Many times, first thing in the morning, before coffee or anything else, she'd ask me "how's your mom? how's your dad?" - and would always want to know if she was 'still their favorite'. The first few times I thought it was charming - but it kept going on, to the point I had to push back and ask her "hey, please stop asking me first thing in the morning about the status of my family" ... for reference, I lived on the opposite side of the country from them, and would only get to see them for the holidays (which she was always invited to). I had a very challenging period of my life with my family, from 15-30 my family was fractured, my parents split up, it was messy ... but through years of effort, and time and patience forgiveness, I had built strong, loving relationships with both my parents individually, and my siblings besides. I sometimes got the sense that she even loved my family more than me, and that I was - weirdly - almost an obstacle between her and them. I told her as much, that sometimes I almost was jealous of how much she loved them, and wished that she could point that in my direction sometimes - knowing that they would be part of the package. She never did that same work with her own family - who were deeply dysfunctional, combative and sometimes outright hostile to one another. As crazy as it sounds, I often felt like she was almost trying to reap the rewards of the many years of hard work I had done - without an appreciation for how hard it had been to build new, adult relationships with my parents.
After a year and a half she found a new job, in a new industry, at a high profile company - and for the first six months she was there, she seemed to be able to manage the stress. I asked her if she wanted to maybe find a place together, to move in together for real ... but she kind of brushed it off. I would ask her again every few months, and would be met with the same sort of half-maybe-sorta-we'll-see ...
She suffered a major concussion two years into our relationship, which is when things really started to change. She never went to therapy, or saw a doctor to get treated ... and as the months went by, she became obsessed, almost addicted, to her job. It was all-consuming for her, and occupied all her thought and effort and time ... our relationship became an afterthought, and would mostly be relegated to her staying over (because my apt was closer to her office than her parent's house) - then me cooking her breakfast and seeing her off in the morning - and getting take out when she got back at night. She became more and more locked into her job, and our relationship became more and more platonic and less and less romantic / sexual... which is not uncommon when people are stressed out, or exhausted - but we couldn't seem to find time or space to fix what was happening. We talked, and communicated - but her reaction to stress was to go inside herself, and cut the world off -> and my stress reaction has often been the same.
We grew more and more distant over the next year, I also got a new job that ate up a ton of my time, so we would only see each other for an hour or two in the evenings, or on the weekends when we were up for it. I have a habit of pushing the people I care about away when I am not doing well emotionally .. it's the biggest recurring issue I've had in my life. I've been to therapy for it, and have ways to manage stress including meditation, exercise and a healthy diet - all of which allow me to function. But as the months went by, I got more and more stressed out as we became more distant - and I started to fall apart, and started to feel more and more alone and isolated. I'm sure I could have been better, or more attentive, or more patient ... and I in no way want to trying to pin any blame on her. After all, I'm just 1/2 of the relationship, and 1/2 of the story. After not seeing each other for a few weeks, I had to go out of town for a week for my job - to deal with a long and stressful convention ... and when I came back, we didn't see each other for another week.
I wanted her to come see me, but couldn't come out and say it ... I wanted her to intuit my needs, which she OF COURSE was not able to do. She wanted me to tell her I desperately wanted to see her, which she couldn't articulate because she wanted ME to intuit her needs ... and round and round it went. Lack of communication.
We did see each other eventually, what started as a small disagreement blew up. It started after my ex starting talking about my roommate's girlfriend, or she said something nasty about her. I was upset because we hadn't seen each other in weeks, why would this girl be the first thing on her mind? What about us? I totally overreacted and pushed her away - it was a long and stupid argument, where we both ended up dredging up things from months and years before .. we broke up, she left. In my self-righteous indignation, I felt justified in the moment ... but as the hours passed, and days passed, I was miserable and knew I had made a horrible mistake. My friends at the time told me I'd done the right thing, and that we had long standing issues that I had been mentioning throughout our relationship ... she liked her well enough, but wanted me to be happy, and told me that I had, ultimately, done what I thought was right at the time - and not to doubt myself. But I did, I got fully stuck in my head about it - and was desperate (yes, the D word) to try again.
Over the next few weeks she totally ignored me, wouldn't respond to my calls, or messages. I didn't expect her to - but I practically begged her to give it another chance with me. But she had totally shut down, and in her (later) words "she was never going to speak to me again." She did, eventually, after a few weeks, respond to me. We talked, I apologized, tried to explain that she was the world to me, and I knew I had made a massive mistake, and desperately wanted a chance to try again - to make things right.
She agreed, eventually. We met up for dinner, and slowly talked things out - I was still honestly pretty upset, but we kept seeing each other, started making it a point to go on dates, to get to know each other again. She believed I had cheated on her, that I had met another woman and that this had all been a pretext ... I caught her going through my phone after I got out of the shower. There was nothing to find, but I couldn't believe that she still, after years together, suspected I had been unfaithful to her. But that was just a bump in the road, we talked it out. Things seemed to be getting better. We shared an amazing thanksgiving together, and I genuinely felt like we had turned a corner and were as close as we had ever been ... so did she.
The next Monday, at work, she got another concussion - worse than the first. From this point on, her entire personality shifted ... Which I have learned, in the months that followed, is just something that can happen with head trauma. She didn't want to spend time together nearly as much, she fully retreated into herself, and her family. She wouldn't come visit at all anymore - even if I was willing to pick her up / drop her off ... she would only agree to meet for platonic dinners at a halfway point between our houses. She started seeing a doctor, a neurologist, doing PT work ... but she just kept seeming to get further and further away. If I invited her over, she was always want to know if my roomate's g/f "might" be there, or if we'd be alone ... and if there was even a chance this girl would be there (even though we could spend time in my room, or in the common living room without interference) - my ex would just stay home.
Six or seven months of this went by ... we kept sort of drifting apart, and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to communicate, or bridge the divide between us (which, to be honest, it felt like I was doing 3/4 of the work to keep this thing going) - we just kept drifting. After her second concussion, we stopped being intimate all together ... she was still convinced I had been with other women while we were apart, and demanded I get tested for STDs for her to trust me again. I let my pride get in the way, and should just have done it - but I had not been with or dated anyone else in the few weeks we were apart, and I couldn't get over that she still wouldn't trust me at my word.. after almost 4 years together, I still had to prove myself.
But I didn't, I was stubborn and dug my heels in - so our last potential shot at intimacy evaporated. We became basically platonic buddies ... we still loved each other, said we loved on another every day - but I always felt like I was chasing her, hoping for some kind of emotional connection or breakthrough or common ground that never manifested. By the time July rolled around, I was a total mess ... I felt completely alone, isolated, and like the person I knew and loved had drifted off, and there wasn't a way to get her back. For two months I said that I was really struggling, I was feeling really disconnected and that I missed her all the time - that I wanted to get back to baseline but didn't know how, and that I wanted her help or guidance. She said she felt like she was gradually getting back to where she started, but had no clear picture of how long that might take, and couldn't give me any kind of definitive answer if things would get better again - or how things might get better again.
It never happened. With another month-long work event looming on the horizon, and my stress levels climbing and climbing, I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Eventually, after one of our platonic dates, I had a full on breakdown, and tearfully told her how isolated I was feeling, how I felt like I'd lost her, and how I felt totally clueless how to fix things. She had no ideas to offer, no guidance on how to navigate any of this, and no suggestions how to get back to some kind of baseline. It all poured out from both sides ... she didn't feel like she could trust me ever since we'd got back together, I felt like she neve really let me back in. But we both agreed that that one thanksgiving had been amazing ... and we wished we could find a way back to that place - but had no idea how.
I told her I needed a month, or two, I needed to start seeing a therapist, I needed to put myself back together because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her I wished that we could take a breathe - and come back on more solid footing because I had fucked up when I broke things off before. I had come back from a place of sadness and desperation - and had not given either of us a chance to heal before trying to undo the damage I'd caused. I wanted to meet her on even footing, from a place of mutual strength and try again ...
To her, this was just me breaking up with her again.. which I tried to say "no, I don't want to lose you, but I'm fucked up and need to just right the ship a bit in my life because I am totally losing it ..." But, sometimes it doesn't matter. To her, I was leaving her again, giving up. I had no idea if she'd speak to me again, but I felt so broken I didn't know what else to do.
I took two months, without contact, and started seeing a therapist, started exercising again, got through my hell-month at work. I tried reaching out again to her, multiple times after that ... but I never heard back. A few months went by - I missed her more and more, I didn't heal or get better, I didn't feel like I'd done the right thing. My friends told me I had, my family was supportive - my friends especially have told me time and time again that ultimately, I did the right thing, that I did what was right 'for me' ... but to me, the reassurance didn't matter. There was a giant, gaping hole in my life that I had no idea what to do with. This was a woman I had wanted to marry, that I had wanted to life with, to build and share a life with -> and at one point, I know she wanted the same. I felt so terrible, and couldn't handle the memories of the place I was in, that I resigned from my job (which was ok, it was a horrible grind, that while it paid ok, didn't have any kind of upward mobility) .. and after a lot of thought, I moved back across the country because it was too painful for me to be in that place, surrounded by the memories - living with the ghosts. My friend group had been slowly dispersing, getting new jobs in new cities, having kids and getting on with life - and I didn't see a reason to stay anymore. I debated reaching out to my ex to let her know I was moving - but it had been months without a word, she had not responded to any of my attempts to talk to her, to meet her even for coffee, or to return the few things of hers I still had - and I knew that if I did reach out - it would ultimately be a selfish act, hoping that somehow she might say 'oh no, he's leaving for good' ... so I didn't. I'm still not sure if she knows I left.
I've been saying with family, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I'm taking classes, and plan on switching careers into a new field that I may actually am passionate about. I'll find my own place again in a month or two, but truth is I missed my family dearly, and have been helping both my aging parents with years of neglected repairs and yard work - and seeing my siblings and their families again after a decade of living on the opposite coast and getting to see them 'maybe' once a year around the holidays. Plus after paying insane rent to random landlords for over a decade, its been nice to have a few months of feeling grounded, and to put work into where I'm living. My family has been thrilled, and glad to have me around again.
But it's made no difference, really. I still think of her every day. Some days are easier than others, and I can manage to stay focused on classes and work and fitness - but in so many ways my life feels totally hollow now. I'm stuck wondering if I completely fucked up a good thing, and wasted what might have been my last shot at starting a family of my own, of having a real partner. I'm 41, realistically my chances get slimmer by the year. Or maybe I did totally the right thing, and I got out of a degenerating situation that had been nagging at me for months and months that something was deeply wrong. Or maybe it was somewhere in between those two poles. There's no way to know, and I'm limited to my own side, and my own perspective - and trapped in that middle ground of wondering how things "MIGHT" have gone had X Y or Z happened differently. I wish I had some kind of clarity, or certainty, but I don't.
I guess things are getting a bit easier, as the days and weeks and months go by - but its only by fractions of a degree. I miss her, or maybe just miss the person she used to be, if that person still exists. Head trauma is ... complicated - because the person looks the same, sounds the same ... but the person you knew, the person you fell in love with, isn't really the same person anymore. Its almost like, mourning the death of someone who is still alive, if that makes sense.
So here I am, taking it one day at a time, hoping for some brighter tomorrow, some slow healing or revelation or clarity that I did the right thing - but all I have are doubts. There's no closure to be found because all I ever got was silence. I've done everything people have recommended - focused on myself, focused on health and fitness, focus on learning new skills, on meeting new people, gone on dates, focused on family, focused on growing -> but it hasn't helped the giant, gaping hole in my life, and the never-ending uncertainty.
I expect no sympathy, or empathy ... and knowing reddit, I'll get a lot of people piling on to tell me what a piece of shit I am, lol'ing at how I fucked up my own life, and telling me she's better off without me. But then again sometimes even Reddit can surprise you with the insightful and thoughtful responses. More than anything, I just wanted to write this down somewhere, anywhere - to get it out of my head and my heart. Because the more it stews, the worse I feel. Thanks for reading, if you managed to make it this far.. its a long, messy, meandering story without any real ending. Will I hear from her again? Probably not. Will I get over her? Eventually I'm sure ... but what happens between now and then is anyone's guess. What ever it is, it'll happen on day, one moment at a time.
tldr; sometimes things just end - without someone cheating, or abusing the other person, or any real good way to sum it up. Life and relationships are long, complicated, nuanced and messy. Take care all, appreciate what you have while you have it, take it one day at a time

Hi,
I’m Mexican girl living in Australia for more than 6 years. Here I met my boyfriend, a Chilean man who has also lived here for several years.
We met at a company that specializes in panoramic airplane tours and parachute jumps; He is a professional skydiver and I work in administration and reception because I am terrified of heights and I could never do the crazy things he does.
We have been together for more than 2 years and in this time we have both been able to travel together to our respective countries to meet our families and friends. In Australia we have a small but very close group of friends and we have a very nice relationship and we share many things in common.
He has an Instagram account where he uploads photos and videos of his jumps and stunts. On one occasion I asked him, half jokingly and seriously, why he didn't post photos with me on his Instagram and he simply answered because his account is “professional” and he doesn't want to mix his private life with his professional life.
He didn't say it in a bad way or defensively and I didn't insist any more because the truth is that he only has photos of skydiving and things related to that. He follows many people in the industry and tries to gain more notoriety with his work by tagging professionals and others in his photos and videos.
Although I must clarify that it is the only Instagram account he has; so he also follows his family members and friends. On some occasions he does repost photos or videos where friends, family or I tag him. But he hasn't done it for a long time.
I don't consider myself (or considered myself) jealous nor do I have insecurities being with him because the people closest to us know us and know that we have a serious and committed relationship. And the truth is that we haven't been much about publicly posting our relationship to people outside of our close circle.
That's why I had never before felt the need to check his phone or stalk him on social media.
But until a few weeks ago, my boyfriend was showing me some things on his Instagram and at the top where the stories of the people he follows appear, I noticed the photo of a girl that caught my attention but of course he didn't show any importance on that and continued showing me more things as if nothing had happened.
But I was left with a strange feeling, you know? That damn woman's intuition that tells you that something is strange after having seen that photo.
Well, I did what I had never done before, I went to check who he was following... it was a fairly long list that consisted of many people who were fond of skydiving, friends, family... some unknown to me but with more friends in common with other friends or family and after a lot of searching I finally found the girl's account.
This unknown girl had her public account and was Mexican too, but from her posts I realized that she lived in Mexico and not in Australia like us; I had never seen her before, my boyfriend has never mentioned her and I honestly don't know how he knows her or why he follows her, because the girl doesn't have any posts related to skydiving, she just posts selfies of her with filters and videos and it seems that she is not even from the same city as me back in Mexico.
She doesn't have any friends in common with anyone that I know; except for my boyfriend of course. It caught my attention that the girl does not follow him though.
I admit that the situation is strange, it gave me a red flag but I didn't want to give it so much importance and I didn't want to ask him about her either because I felt that I would sound like a toxic old woman who asks about any stranger he follows.
As I said, I tried not to give it much importance; Although I admit that I was tempted to text that girl to ask if she knew my boyfriend but in the end I didn't do anything.
Days later I went back to the girl's account and I was surprise that it was already private... it seems too coincidental to me that shortly after having seen the public account it is now private, but I'm not sure... the truth is that I have no evidence to prove anything or say something to my boyfriend and I also don't want us to have an argument over something stupid based on a hunch. But it is always well known that if you already sense something it is because it is really happening.
I can't stop thinking about it and to make matters worse I'm now realizing that my boyfriend is too possessive of his phone, he has it with him all the time and even though I know his password I feel like I don't have the chance to check it because he doesn’t leave it alone for not even 5 minutes, except when he sleeps of course.
I don't know what to do; I don't know whether to ask him something without making me look like a controlling toxic crazy person or try to secretly check his phone while he's sleeping?
The truth is that nothing in the relationship has changed, he is still very attentive and affectionate with me; He is not the most detail-oriented man in the world but he does many things for me and I for him. He makes me laugh and I love him very much.
I don't want to see him with different eyes but honestly the situation has me dizzy and has left me thinking a lot.
Maybe in person he has a formal relationship with me but on social media he appears to be something else and is hiding our relationship and gives me the excuse that his account is professional so he can talk to more women?
Now I feel like I'm paranoid checking his followers every time he follows someone new.
What do you suggest me to do without looking so crazy? Hahaha

Two months ago, I lost a job I had been very happy with for the better part of 3 years due to not acting soon enough to prevent the narcissist from destroying my reputation. I was the (only) administrator and customer service rep for a small company that produced a very specialized product. Having come from supervising a department in a large corporation for 13 years prior to this (and laid off during Covid), the new small office atmosphere was a breath of fresh air for me at the time. Everyone was friendly, collaborative, and willing to help - including the CEO, who I had a great relationship with. The manager that hired me eventually left to do his own thing and someone else was hired. It took some getting used to, but my new manager turned out to be awesome and we worked really well together. He also left to do his own thing after about a year, which meant that there was about a 3 month stretch where there was no true "manger," meaning I had to essentially run the production department by myself while we found someone new.
In walks the Narcissist. On day three of his reign, I walked in, greeted him, and sat down at my desk to start my day. Instead of greeting me back, he said "I didn't know I was your boss, too." I said well yes, I report to you because you have access to my time card, but I answer to everyone here. My job is to do what needs to be done to keep daily operations running smoothly." He then told me that he was disappointed that I didn't wish him a happy bosses day (which happened to be that day). I laughed it off, thinking he was joking. He wasn't. The next week, I had to leave early one day for a doctor's appointment. While I was gone, he answered an email from one of our vendors FROM MY ACCOUNT, basically chewing them out for something and adding, "I am You_Minivan's boss..." I didn't even know how to react when I saw he had done that. This made it clear to me that he had a complete lack of boundaries. He would also constantly sit in my very small office for long periods of time while I was trying to work and voice-text people. Even the CEO joked that it was weird to always find him in my office and not his own.
The company had recently acquired and absorbed another company, so a project came up where we needed to transition our customers to a new website. Being that I was the admin for all of our websites and had experience doing a very similar project before he got there, I thought he would allow me to take the lead in this transition. Instead, he completely took over and refused to acknowledge that I had any useful information that could help with the process. At one point, I mentioned that one specific application had created a lot of issues during the last transition, and I knew how to handle it as I was the only one with experience since I used the application every day. He said, "I've never heard of that application, so I'm sure it doesn't matter." It did matter. It put us months behind, and we ended up losing a lot of money and customers because he refused to believe I knew what I was talking about. The customer backlash affected only me directly, being that I was the first point of contact. The CEO was furious, but of course, I'm the one who was blamed because "I should have told the narc this would happen."
On another occasion, I needed him to communicate with the sales manager about a client issue so that I could continue with next steps. He kept putting this off and minimizing how severe this issue could become if I did not get an answer by a specific date. The date comes and goes, things go as badly as I knew they would, and then he wrote me up for "mishandling" the escalation. I spoke with the sales manager, who confirmed that he was asked (read: told) by the narc to stop sending me weekly updates from his department, which were crucial for me to make informed decisions. He said he was asked to talk to Narc Boss first and that he would relay any relevant information to me. I finally went to HR (one person) to let them know that I was unable to do my job properly because he was intentionally withholding information from me. She seemed to understand and said simply, "Document everything." So I did. I started documenting everything and filled up at least 20 pages front and back in a notebook. Some highlights from my notebook:

• Frequently peeked his head into my office with rage in his eyes after berating another coworker, saying, "The nerve of that guy...!"
  
• Told me that he thought his title should be "Director of [Industry]" This title didn't exist and would have made him everyone's boss, including other managers.
  
• Misspelled the names of products on customer facing media. When I figured out why these items were not being picked up on our production sheets, he said "Oh yes, I've known that for months and nobody noticed."
  
• Explicitly told me not to do a project that the CEO asked me to do because it "wasn't my job." Asked me to gather the info an essentially do the project myself anyway, then presented it to the CEO as his own work and told him I had refused to do it. This happened with multiple smaller projects I was asked to do for other departments too.
  
• Told me I should appreciate how much he was "protecting" me from the CEO. Protecting me from what, I still don't know. Told me that he was "training" the CEO how to approach me.
  
• Told me that nobody in the company respected me, but he did, and that's why I shouldn't do the projects I was being asked to do or continue doing day-to-day tasks that had always been a part of my job.
  

I could go on and on, but I'll cut to the point where I completely lost it and started to grey rock. The CEO suddenly started complaining to me that he couldn't tell whether or not I was answering email that came through to a shared inbox. I didn't have access to the settings of the inbox, which must have changed at some point, but I did everything I could to make sure it was clear that all communications were answered. I eventually complained to Narc Boss that I didn't understand why the CEO would suddenly think I was not doing something I had been doing without issue for over three years. The next day, I didn't even get a hello from the CEO who walked past my office every morning on the way to his. He just completely stopped talking to me or even acknowledging me. After I asked Narc Boss what he had said to the CEO, he said "well, I think you need to start copying both of us in to every email that you send." Fine - I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I didn't appreciate the sudden micro-management, and I didn't understand how it would help the situation. Narc Boss started reprimanding me for mishandling email responses. In most cases, he had not read the emails carefully enough to realize that the "issues" he was pointing out were actually responses from the CEO, not me. I had enough. I grey rocked until...
One day, I walked in and Narc asked to talk to me really quick.. I said sure. He said "It's clear you aren't happy here, so effective immediately, your position is terminated. I smiled - I honestly thought he was joking for about 5 minutes. He told me he was serious and told me I had 10 minutes to gather my things. I said I'd prefer to be able to speak with someone first. Here's the kicker: This was day one of the HR manager's two week vacation. I asked to speak to the CEO, who was conveniently not there yet. I kept asking him why - what did I do, can you be specific? He told me that the CEO and HR had both already signed off on this and refused to give a reason. He just kept saying "I am your manager - I don't have to give a reason," repeatedly, with his head tilted up and his chin sticking out like some sort of white collar criminal pleading the 5th. After about a half hour of absolute shock and confusion, I handed in my keys and left. My co-workers were all equally as shocked when he held a meeting afterwards, saying I was let go for "personality differences."" One of them ran to see if I was still in the parking lot to give me a hug, but Narc made sure I was already gone. He then ran up to the HR office only to find out she was also gone. The Narc had won, as they always do, but did finally get one thing right. I have major "personality differences" and do not work very well with narcissists.

Welcome to the Peanut Gallery! Sorry for the gap in updates. As you can see, I am no where near as dedicated as the master of the craft, having to juggle work and other things too. This is apprentice Lara filling in for the master thestoryteller987 with high hopes he is doing well.

The tempo of Russian offensive operations in northern Kharkiv Oblast continues to decrease after Russian forces initially seized areas that Ukrainian officials have now confirmed were less defended

basically, as we stated in a previous summary, Russia will park its artillery close over the Ukrainian border, but not too close that it becomes a target. Ballpark figure, lets syay within 10 KM. Then from there it can, without problem, bombard everything and anything it sees fit without the worry of western weapons striking back. Russian forces advance,, but the artillery does not. And suddenly you're in a sticky situation. A big push doesn't happen because the big guns can't reach and Russia is back to meat wave tactics against 13km and 20km of fortifications.

The US Helsinki Commission stated that the US should allow Ukraine to conduct strikes against military targets in Russia's border areas amid an ongoing Russian offensive operation into Kharkiv Oblast from Russia, although US officials continue to express unwillingness to support such strikes

Hence this is why the US needs to lift this silly sanction. If Ukrainian can strike, lets say 20 KM from its border, that'll deal with the building up of troops, the over the border artillery and what not.
See I have a slightly different idea. Now the UK has already said we wouldn't necessarily be sad if they used Storm Shadows in Russia. which is largely a political move because there are not that many of them. but maybe, with the acquirement of US aid, Ukraine can use these to clear out their border region a bit. I think the EU needs to grow a pair of balls and lift the sanction. Let the US play at peacemakecareful positioning. Even if the UK/EU can't produce as much as the US< being able to focus US fully on defense would free up enough for over the border strikes. I can see the benefit of careful limits I think what the EU doesn't want is to see the leopards driving across into Russia. that strikes me as a big step. Arguably, russian tanks already took that step, but still. I can see why they are concerned about that. But as long as boots and wheels stay on Ukraine's side of the border, I think it's perfectly reasonable that anything else is free game.

Russian President Vladimir Putin continues to publicly prioritize the further mobilization of the Russian defense industrial base (DIB) while also attempting to assuage possible domestic fears about the negative effects of increased Russian defense spending.

He's juggling realism with politics. Realisticly, the DIB needs to pull its finger out because Russia is facing huge shortages, bigger than the shortages of the toilet paper and pasta in Covid times. But to do that he'd have to go onto a war footing (ISW thinks this would not even be enough) but he also knows that Russian's don't want that. At all.

Putin stated that "whoever masters the latest means of armed struggle faster, wins" and called for the Russian defense industry to "double, triple" production and create more effective, accurate, and powerful weapons in order to decrease Russian losses.

He can call for it, doesn't mean it's ever going to happen. I calll for a million pound every day. Still hasn't happened and I honestly think I'm more likely to get that million pounds than the Russian DIB is to triple its production.

Putin specifically noted that the Russian DIB must increase the quality of Russian weapons.

I'd love to see some statistics: Launches :: num of exploded on launch :: num of hit on target. Russian weapons miss a lot, blow up in the wrong place a lot, and explode with less boom a lot. Still a complete and utter pain in the ass, especially for Ukraine, but a reassurance for NATO in so far as NATO can shoot better, more accurately and with bigger boomage.

Putin is likely concerned about the economic and diplomatic implications of decreased Russian arms exports.

In short, Russia is unable to keep up with its commitments to other countries, like India. It essentially said: We can supply you with fancy shmancy weapons if you allie with us. You won't need to worry about Uncle Sam filling your back yard with democracy an d liberty because Big Daddy Putin has got your back.
Accept.. He hasn't. they delayed shipments to India, and so not only are they getting pissy, but other countries who took his word for it (Armenia) are now going wait... Can we actually trust this Vodca drinking guy know what he is saying?

The Kremlin confirmed the appointments of the newly formed Moscow and Leningrad military districts (MMD and LMD) and other military district commanders on May 15.

TLDR: A bunch of generals got moved about. A bunch of nobody's I don't know the names of or history. Sorry. This is why thestoryteller987 is better at this than me. In short, Russia likes to play his generals against each other to gain favour with him. Which works until they all become pissed off with him and cut off his head. Dschinghis Khan did something similar, and for him it worked... Kind of. Until he died. And the whole system collapsed/ And Putin is getting mighty old...

Russian sources speculated that the May 13 detention of Russian Deputy Defense Minister Lieutenant General Yuri Kuznetsov is only the beginning of a wider effort to root out corruption within the Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD).

It could be as ISW speculates although I personally think this is the cover for a bit of a purge. Putin needs yes sir men and loyalists and that chain has to remain strong. If someone becomes slightly discontent, that could spread.

US Secretary of State Antony Blinken announced during a joint press conference with Ukrainian Foreign Minister Dmytro Kuleba on May 15 that the US will provide a two billion dollar "defense enterprise fund" to Ukraine

This is going into Ukraine's DIB, the purchase of weapons, and purchasing weapons from other countries. This bit made me laugh a little:

helping Ukraine purchase military equipment and weapons from the US and other countries.

Basically, hey, here's 2 billion for you to give to me so I can give you a gun.

Ukraine's Main Military Intelligence Directorate (GUR) reportedly struck a Russian fuel depot in Rostov Oblast on the night of May 14 to 15.

Pop pop! Another depo struck by Ukraine lightning. Does Russia have many of these left now?

The Kremlin continues to add European officials to Russia's wanted list as part of Russia's efforts to assert the jurisdiction of Russian federal law over sovereign NATO member states.

This is so pointless. And we do it back. Putin is wanted by the hague. He's never going to stand trial, and if those individuals on Russia's list are captured, they won't either jjust for slightly different reasons. It's interesting though that Zelensky has been on and off the list a few times. Surely' he's the top target?
In summary though these wanted lists are an information campaign, part of Russia's vast info war tactics. Laying the ground for future work.

Russian forces recently made confirmed advances in northern Kharkiv Oblast, near Siversk, and west of Donetsk City.

ISW has a fairly low opinion of these advances, just the usual daily grind.

Ukrainian National Security and Defense Council Secretary Oleksandr Lytyvyenko assessed on May 15 that Russian forces will have enough tanks and armored fighting vehicles for the next year and half of fighting in Ukraine at their current operational tempo

Far too long, if you ask me! Someone give Ukraine some more guns so we can end this by Christmas!

Ukrainian officials continue to warn that Russian forces are systematically and increasingly using chemical weapons and other likely-banned chemical substances in Ukraine. The Ukrainian Support Forces Command stated on April 5 that Ukrainian forces have recorded 371 cases of Russian forces using munitions containing chemical substances during the last month and 1,412 cases of Russian forces using chemical weapons between February 2023 and March 2024.

Please give Ukraine what they need to bring this war to an end.
‘Q’ for the Community:

• So. US weapons striking over the border in Russia. What's your take?

• Join the conversation on /TheNuttySpectacle!

Let me just start off by saying I’m not suicidal. I don’t have any plans to actively take my own life. But I do think I’ll be gone soon due to worsening health issues. In particular, my chest/heart.
I have had a chronic chest pain for the past 4 years that has severely diminished my quality of life. It is always there and keeps me from enjoying life. It is especially difficult when I try to go to sleep as the pain keeps me from doing so.
I’ve gone to see a doctor who told me it could be heart inflammation from having Covid all those years ago. His recommendation was to take ibuprofen. It has helped somewhat, but the pain lingers still. It’s really just like putting on a band aid.
More recently, in the past year or so, I’ve been having attacks at night during sleep. Like it feels like I’m having a heart attack and I’m fighting for my life against this pain. Like the only thing that has been keeping me here was because I’ve been fighting off this feeling of death.
One night I was having an attack and it felt like something was choking me. I felt so overwhelmed that I just let it happen. And then all of a sudden I got transported into my parents’ living room. There they were, hugging and consoling me, telling me I had passed in my sleep. I couldn’t believe it. I instantly regretted letting that thing choke me, and I was begging to go back because of how guilty I felt of leaving my life and parents behind. And so I woke up back in my bed remembering everything.
There are still some nights when I have these attacks, but I’ve been fighting them off. I’m getting really tired of doing so. I’ve gone to see a shaman who did some energy work on me. Her assistant felt this energy around my chest and told me there is indeed something horrible going on there. I asked what it was. It’s like she didn’t want to tell me though. Like she felt sorry for me if she revealed it. All she said is that I am the cause and the cure for it.
Ive tried as much as I could. I really don’t have the energy to keep going. I feel like I’m just being dragged through life by this pain. It’s fed into my depression and vice versa. It’s a vicious cycle. I don’t know if I will fight off these attacks next time they happen. I kind of just want to slip out peacefully so the pain can end. I’m a little scared. It actually feels like I’m going to leave this world. But I feel like that’s better than enduring this horrible pain every second of every day. I guess I want some thoughts about my situation from an outside perspective. Is it ok if I just let the attack happen one night?

I few times I’ve happened to make eye contact with locals in Spain after they hold eye contact for a full second they look shocked and look away. I don’t think I’ve been particularly trying to stare at anyone. For example today I was sitting on the bus just looking straight ahead. Several people got on including one girl who looked my way, then locked eyes for a second, which she let out a slight shriek and swung her head around.
Don’t think I’m creeping on anyone. But I don’t know if I need to be more proactive in not potentially making eye contact with anyone. In crowds of people I’m going to accidently catch someone’s gaze from time to time.
PS also can’t help but think it’s someone behind me creeping lol

5:36 PM Wed 5/8/24
Mood: Terrible
Title: Alone
Details: Last year I was told that there is a whole universe out there of people to find. And that I was being endlessly supported and that people were inspired by me.
This year I learned what it's like to be hunted and chased away from goodness. It has been the worst year of my entire life and with the knowledge that there is a whole universe out there--I feel lonelier than I was before.
Not a single person wants well for me. I have to translate my thoughts, behavior, intentions, symptoms, and soul to everyone.
There hasn't been a single rest from it in over 330 days. Just endless messes and ridicule and mocking and advances and terrorism.
I'm thought I was tired of people. But I walk outside and love them so much. I learned I'm not tired of people. But I'm so so so tired of loneliness.
Being around others doesn't stop you from being lonely. Because I'm still translating. My thoughts and feelings are still not reaching and the obvious signals I send to others are being deflected and mistranslated.
I'm tired of translating for to others. On paper it's so easy to understand a person. Watching it's easy to understand and to judge. But actually reacting appropriately to context and injustice and neurodivergence even is so lost to people.
This is why I wanted to write my story. Because people don't know how to cope. They don't know how to accept bad things. They don't know the difference between bad people and good people and even today our societies are too primitive to understand it.
They're still theororizing, contemplating, changing information for their gain...never have I seen any type of science be so abstractly and subjectively defiled as I've seen happen with mental health and neurodivergence.
People cannot separate the symptom from the person and punish and subjugate and continue to dominate those less fortunate.
I'm glad I know what happens to people they don't like. I know how dangerous people can be.
I wish I had someone to protect me. So I still find myself praying and wishing for one person. Just one person I don't have to translate myself to. Just one person I don't have to have grow tired of me. Just one person I don't have to compete with.
Growing up I was used to competing. Siblings, cousins, friends. In public AND private school there's always someone or something to compete. Today I compete with my parents and yesterday I compete with women who love the one I thought I loved.
I grew accustomed to hating my own birthday because of jealousy around it because my uncle was upset he shared it with my brother and I. And because I could never have it the way I enjoyed later. Too much. I'm too much. Too far. Too long. Too attention-seeking.
I had my chance as a teen with two friends so why isn't that enough for me? My parents were happy that I finally was taking a break from illness but since I got what I asked for then I'm a spoiled ass. As if they ever treated me better even then. Golden children are still abused even when the roles swap. Because no pleasantness is atrocious.
My family told me I was fat and going to get diabetes and have a heart attack and die despite never talking to me and being in high school--where weight isn't even done being "distributed" until your mid twenties. Thanks to the prime golden child my sister.
I'm tired of fighting and competing to be heard and to have needs met and to come across as kind or kinder. It's killing me.
Why can't I ever just be me?
Why can't I ever just be my authentic self? The one I want to be as a form of worship? Me in all my phases and feelings?
Why do I have to stuff myself down or look beautiful when I'm suffering in order to be a good and kind person worth saving?
I understand Nettle so much now. I wish I never did.
If I didn't have vocal fry would I be loved? If I didn't have fat would I be loved? If I didn't have brown or blonde hair would I be loved? If I forgave my parents and suffered quietly would I be loved?
If I had sweet doe eyes or a light mousy voice would someone finally think I had autism?
The ones I see on tiktok are drop dead gorgeous women with huge colorful lives and opportunities and get to complain about "pretty privelege"
Some have a light airiness to them that make them seem like fae.
And there's me who never fits anywhere or with anyone.
I have nothing and no one and absolutely no point.
I was okay before--before I had drive and passion to find my people. Before I had dreams of finding my way and accomplishing things. Before I had just one person.
It's so cruel. The people in this world are so cruel. I just want one person.
One person from God--and loving can be worship too. I'm too tired for much else.
Just one person to save me from their damnation that seems to last forever.
I'm so exhausted all the time.
My body hurts. My head hurts. My nerves feel like nothing.
I feel hopeless. Empty. I feel like the woman from my dream.
I feel betrayed--like others saw my future and pushed me into it head first with some kind of pre-revenge. Pinched. Twisted. Groped. Lost. Forced.
Called an attention whore. Gold digger.
I feel confused. People are trying desperately to make sure no one understands me.
I'm one girl. Against a whole universe and groups of people.
The emotional, psychological, and societal manipulation is obscure.
I keep reading revelations 2:24 to feel better.
It feels like Thyatira. I'm trying to hold fast to the idea that God may rescue me from whatever this is. A trial--make believe--experimentation--prisonment for knowing too much.
He asks we wait patiently for him to come and rescue us.
And many biblical figures had to wait for years and years. Upwards to like 100 if you were Abraham.
So while every day things feel like battle now, I am still trying.
I want to give myself OT and PT...I've done it for others so it can't be hard.
And with the flashbacks and emotional flashbacks and meltdowns and outbursts...I'm going to try treating myself for PTSD too.
Until I get the help I need somehow--I don't know what else to do.
I know others are tired of helping me. When you don't seem to receive pleasantness it's par for the course.
But I'm tired of competing for needs to be met. Can't everyone just work harder to understand bodies and minds and signals--then people would have their needs met and there'd be no need to compete.
I'm tired of fighting for myself. I'm tired of doing it alone.
I'm tired of being with others and doing it lonely.
The world isn't just crumbling due to climate change. Our minds are shifting and crumbling with it.
It makes sense. The weather affects people. Everyone I know is so tired. There's no way we are evolved enough to know God and be in his presence. There's no way we are advanced. Even this phone feels archaic to me--the programs we use feel archaic.
I understand now why capitalism is seen as demonic and evil. The control of drip marketing contents and technology is so slow and pointless.
Our resources are depleting. War is happening still. Communism wouldn't help either. It's the same song with a different tune.
I'll keep living because that's what he wants from people. I want to make God proud. I want people's lives to be easier.
I want people to stop competing and performing and wanting to die drenched in lies.
Maybe that's why it's a sin to lie. It halts evolution not just on others but yourself too. Living a lie halts growth.
It's difficult but Faith seems to be the part that is supposed to ground you in it. Like--I don't know WHY I can't lie in this situation but I have to be honest.
Anyways in these moments I wonder if philosophy and religion is a coping skill or a turning something bad into something good.
I guess I should just keep doing what I need to do and not what others want me to do.
It seems whenever I do what others want I suffer more than before.
I usually value collaboration. But when others Stop valuing it--then it's time for something to be done.
These people are messed up. They have no emotional retention. They have no ability to remember the things they do--Like it doesn't exist to them.
The heat, my hormones shifting, the trauma of seeing her again, and other things seemed to trigger a huge meltdown? Fight or flight? PTSD attack?
No wonder the woman from my dream was so empty--her body and mind have been through war and emotional, psychological, and spiritual survival.
I can only pray that I'm not chemically like a porn addicted person--I don't want to lose the idea that sex to me is love. After everything I mean.
I don't have the time in life to heal. There's so much I have to do and everyone still sees me as a wallet drainer and leech.
I don't trust anyone to help me. I don't trust anyone to love me. I don't trust love because it's not enough to make these other things go away.
I understand why people are calling for a civil war on the rich. And their help? To not be seen as bad people? Their help is "we will make others more like us!"
Natural selection affects them too.
Which is funny. They think they've escaped it ofc. I do think that people are right. Celebrities and other rich people aren't useful anymore.
They don't have much use anymore.
Anyways.
I feel lonely. I feel trauma everywhere. Like I've always been hit by a bus.
It's ironic I think--the "I wouldn't do it without a trained professional" people are so dangerous.
I did better without them...always.
It's hard not to hate life.
I always have to compete for needs and wants and sacrafice them.
For siblings, friends, lovers, parents, students, strangers, buyers, consumers, voices...
I sacrafice for these people to have better all the time. I don't have the energy to do anything else. I don't have anything else to provide but what I can scrounge up and then hand off or step aside.
I just want someone.
Someone who knows and loves me and understands me in full.
I can't let these people take away my voice or my story or my dreams for myself when they're already so blessed.
Only those well off say "you should be grateful"
What you did to survive and achieve versus what I did will never be the same.
So I'll hopefully find a way. To let my future husband be able to comfort me and know me in full after this whole experience. I'll find a way for him to know every page in my story and leaf through and bookmark his favorites.
Who in the universe would take away that from their victims so easily? That they could just have one?
These people can be vampires.
I get tired--I fall asleep--they suck the energy out of me.
They leave all their bad thoughts behind.
The world needs a miracle.
Activities: Food Sleep Screens
Emotions: Hurt Overwhelmed Confused Lonely Stressed Empty Hopeless
Unhelpful Thought: I'll never be well. No one will ever understand me. No one does. I'm alone. I'm always alone and I'll always be alone. People will only ever take from me or use me. People want me to die. My parents want me to die. I end up believing them and wanting it too.
I'll never have a life. I'll never have my own life. I'll never be me. I'll never be free.
Cognitive Distortions: Fortune-telling Self-blaming
Challenge: I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry that you've been through so much trauma in such little time. I'm so sorry you have to fight to comfort yourself and your fight response has increased so astronomically.
It must be scary to have to use it. It must be scary to never know when the pain will stop or when they will cause your attacks to start.
I don't know much about PTSD but considering the flashbacks and how even in moments for you they violate every piece of you--it only makes sense that you have resorted to fighting. I'm sorry you're body has to respond so uncomfortably and abnormally.
But try to remember that these are all normal responses to the abnormal. Your body is scared and terrified and it's been 330 days of exhaustion. The fatigue makes sense. The survival instincts makes sense. Your body and brain are working so hard for you so you can keep loving one day when the trauma responses ebb away.
There's no cure that I know of for these ailments. PTSD, depression, SAD, anxieties, potential autism. All these comorbidities must be eating away at you. The fact that they keep triggering you doesn't help either.
I'm sorry they push you. I'm sorry you've been through rape. I'm sorry you can barely pick up the pieces before they hurt you again.
I'm sorry I have to be the one to apologize to you for everything that's happened and still happens. I'm sorry they abuse you as you try to write and don't listen to no or clear boundaries.
The only advice I can think to give so you may have peace in these moments is to stop saving them. Let the bad continue to do bad. Let the Rapists continue to be Rapists. Do not work to absolve them of anything or bring good from their lives.
They're learning how to hurt you in different ways instead. They're recruiting new people late to everything instead.
Teeny tiny Tina, I'm still working so hard for you to be loved. I'm working so hard for you to stay safe. For you and I to stop fighting.
For you and I to stop freezing and being abused and for them to push you your fight responses and fear of your own body.
I'm sorry they tell you it's demons. When it's her. I'm sorry she won't leave you alone. I'm sorry she and others won't have boundaries with you.
I'm sorry they use you to teach her what her Delusions look like in another person because she forgets to be a human in others bodies and can't let her ego go.
I'm sorry they drug you so she can be comforted.
I'm sorry they don't know what you are going through. When I write as if I'm not you I can't imagine this pain.
I hope one day you are safe and rescued. I hope one day you find someone who will save you from her and them and the ones who abuse you.
I know my hopes are meaningless and that under normal circumstances when you are only you--I can always write meaningful advice without resorting to vapid generics.
I hope that one day you can be enough for yourself again.
I hope they don't bleed you dry. Don't kill yourself no matter what they say and do and feed on altruistic notions.
It's a complete mind fuck. The support needs to come from you. When they do it--don't believe them.
May you find peace Tina.
Alternative Thought: You will be saved. You will find help. Normal people know that it's wrong. These stars are illusions.
Normal people can help better. Find a community that can give you a break and accept you. That won't let your mind fall apart.
Don't let their ironic wishes for you give you peace. Don't let it give THEM peace. They don't mean it they just want it to be them.
Do not be like them. Do not live a lie. Address your hatred front on. Address why you hate front on so you may be free from it.
Do not be like them. Keep the bible in mind but please be who you want to be--which is exactly how God created and therefore called you to be.
Your calling is to heal and fight hatred for now.
Your calling is to find safety. May the lord bear you on eagles wings.
You do not have religious psychosis. You need to keep remembering who the fuck you are.
You are too smart for your own good. You are too self sacrificing for your own good. You see the bad in the good for people to address and attack and heal. You are kind when not under duress. You have illness. You need diagnosis. You have had terrible things happen. Surreal and awful. You always find a way to make things right. You always grow and evolve and change. You are you and others will not visibly see it.
Keep your self grounding mindfulness. Mindfulness is not oppression. It's a tool for a single person. Yourself. Not others.
Keep steady. Take a walk. Do something new. Discover something. Don't just stay in your mind doing it all there.
You need stimulation. You may be close to the end of figuring what you need to figure out out.
Then look at these thoughts and see how little and small they are in comparison to who you are and how you faced them. You are always seeking to heal and retain your values. That dualism and unobstructed steadfastness is your namesake.
It's in your birthday, your name, your experiences, your ring, your prayers, your loves, your hates, your stories, and every part of you.
You can never not be you. Except when your free will is in the hands of another.
Keep fighting for peace. Write and draw and explore within your means. Your life may seem so small but the meaning you have, the blessings God gave you to remember, the irreplaceable meaning everywhere is a gift from him.
And with this you never stop creating. Up and down. Up and down. If David in all his emotional complexities is a "man after God's own heart" then allow yourself to fall and thank God for his discipline.
He corrects those he accepts. He shows the wisdom of it to those he loves.
Keep his ever present and obvious love for you in your heart.
And even though you think Jonah is so funny, please allow yourself to give "testimony" one day and ask people to repent and show them God's love. Be unashamed. Be devoted. Be passionate. Don't let others kill your fire.
You know what it's like. You know what thoughts come from these terrible scenarios. You know how badly you want saving.
Others do too.
Show people that God's love IS unconditional. And learn and translate and write.
Translate God's Holy Spirit and intentions and goals to others.
He will bless you. He is pursuing your heart.
Remember how small the flaws are in others in comparison to them. How little it means for them to dislike what you do or help the opposing neighbor.
You are admired. And sometimes admiration turns bad and becomes jealousy.
You are very lonely. And you have learned ways to find yourself in all the versions of loneliness there are.
You are used. You are abused.
And that story lives and cannot be erased no matter how hard they try. Eternity is the sock that fell from their push. It feels so inescapable.
Your healing and self growth is awkward.
But you can still live. And you love others enough to be awkward with them.
Let yourself remember that this means that you love yourself to be awkward with yourself and allow it.
In that way you have already broken one cycle. That people need to see you in good perfect ways in order to have even self love.
You are strong. You are so passionate. And still while moored and mired in guck and hatred you still do everything out of love.
For yourself and others.
Your own body even is reflecting that incredibly. Your brain doesn't WANT to give up. It wants to fight, to survive, to fawn, to freeze.
Your brain and body is fighting for your love. Your self love and your future love and your love for others.
It's natural to feel this exhaustion after it all.
Tell yourself a new fortune too. A new self attribution. Balance it out.
You're going to always have love. It's in all your cells and the things you touch.
When you drop what you like and feel pain--however small--that tiny regret is love.
Your love is worth it. Your drive to be well is always worth it.
We are adapting. Love yourself enough to be awkward with it. It will feel really big and like the world is ending because it's the first time you've felt these ways.
God bless you.

Sorry in advance for the length, but really needing some insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation.
For context, my ex (M 27) and I (F 25) were together almost five years, known each other for seven, lived together for over three. I knew before going into dating that he drank.. a lot. And potentially had issues with it.
For the first year, I’d say he was getting blackout drunk 2-3 times a week. Of course it ended up causing problems. Fighting, him prioritizing going out, being generally annoying and obnoxious from drinking too much, lying about drinking causing trust issues, etc. We moved in together after about a year and a half because I was in love and thought it was a phase he had to eventually grow out of.
Plus, besides drinking, he is usually the most charming, unsuspecting, friendly, caring guy. I know that he has issues with anxiety, and grieving the loss of a parent within the last few years. So I know there are also some deeper rooted issues he has with that. Also, most other aspects of our relationship are good besides the typical relationship bickering.
Over time the drinking became less frequent, however it was always too much when he did drink. The amount and intensity of the fights kept getting worse to the point where things got physical, mostly pushing or shoving and one or two instances of hitting (one or too way too many). I’m sure I instigated out of frustration of him drinking when he said he wasn’t but eventually it got to the point where I wouldn’t have to even do or say much for his mean alcoholic brain to “switch on” at me.
Fast forward to earlier this year and we’ve tried most everything. Him trying to not drink wouldn’t stick. He’d still lie about drinking. Would still get out of hand when he drank. He told me he was going to try and get sober, did for a couple weeks, then went back to the same old routine. Eventually we decided to take a break that lasted a few weeks and in that time I found out about a very affordable apartment from a family friend, I told him about it and that it was on the table, but didn’t decide on it right away. We were fighting a lot and eventually he also encouraged me to move out because we need space and that he doesn’t want to stop drinking, maybe slow DOWN, but not stop and I wasn’t having that.
I came home after a few incidents of him hiding drinks and trashing the house and making a fool of himself, and decided to take the apartment a month ago, moved out a week ago. In the same week I randomly met a guy through mutual friends who I really hit it off with, we’ve gotten close, I enjoy spending time with him, and it’s opened my eyes (and my anxiety) to seeing that there’s more to life than how I was living.
HOWEVER… The last few weeks/month after me moving out have apparently been his “rock bottom.” He’s been crying almost every day, and has had anxiety attacks. He went to his doctor to get the injectable medication to stop drinking and curb the crave, and has been back in counseling as well as making other life changes like quitting vaping, not talking to his party friends, meal prepping instead of always buying fast food, etc.
He’s also been telling me he’s always known he has a problem (which I agree with) he’s just never realized how bad it was getting and never knew what to do and feels like he’s ready to grow up because he’s tired of how it’s affecting different aspects of his life. He also keeps saying he will wait for me and do whatever to prove to me that this is change for the long term, wants me to be secure in a future with him, and wants to make me happy. He has tried to quit before but it was never successful, but I also haven’t seen him take things as seriously. I think things would work if he is able to quit drinking for the long run and be sober. We would obviously need to work through the trust issues and previous resentment but I don’t think it’s impossible.
So now I guess my dilemma is that I’ve uprooted my life, finally moved and NOW he wants to turn his life around with actions of instead of just talking about it now. Plus, three weeks of this new behavior is hard for me to bank on after the 7 years of behavior I’ve been used to and it frustrates me if he changes now after begging him and trying to be there for him for so long. I’ve also met someone I’m interested in and things have been going really, incredibly, unexpectedly well. I can just tell my ex is torn up by all of this, but I’ve also never experienced an alcoholic in my life other than him. Do we think this is legit, do we think the relationship is worth salvaging? I know I don’t have to make any rash decisions right this second and basically told him “I don’t know what the future holds, I’m not closed off to the idea of making things work if you’re able to change your lifestyle, but it’s not happening right now. Act accordingly with that and wait for me or don’t, but I’m not asking you to”
So I guess instead of advice, my question is.. what would you do?
TL;DR: Broke up with ex, a functioning alcoholic for 5 years. Other aspects of relationship are normal, alcohol issues have caused resentment. Drinking has become less frequent but still drinks too much when he does and gets out of hand. Knows he has a problem, has tried to quit, not successful. I’ve moved out, he’s hit “rock bottom” and is remorseful, on medication, doing counseling and wants to make things work for the long term. I’ve also met someone I’m interested. Looking for insight.

So, Kaiser has been trying to push the William and Rose Hanbury affair story for years now, she's decided to go extra hard recently because Catherine (who would be the victim of the 'affair') now has cancer, so what better way to show how utterly devoid of any modicum of empathy you are by ramping up the absolute pathological levels of delusion and hatred, going in hard with not one but two different Rose centered articles in the space of a week.
The first story involved Rose being at the Badminton Horse Trials, which in itself is shocking departure from the norm for a member of the upper classes... oh wait 🤔 That's not all though folks! She was pictured with Camilla! Case for her being shunted in soon as a repliKate closed.
Although Charlotte Tilbury was also in the picture, so maybe its a throuple type situation and William is just in it for endless free supplies of Tilburys 'Hollywood flawless filter' illuminator so he too can appear as moisturized and well laid as his brother (as an aside, for someone having so many alleged affairs you would expect Wills to look 'well laid' too no?!)
Sadly things get less frivolous in the next post. Rose and her husband, David Rocksavage, the Marquess of Cholmondeley who is currently a permanent Lord-in-waiting in the court of King Charles, attended the Service of Dedication for the Order of the British Empire. Kinda of his job but whatever I guess. Kaiser states she has "no idea if Charles and Camilla have always been close to the Cholmondeley family or this association and friendship has warmed up in recent years"
All this despite the fact he was literally the former Lord Great Chamberlain for the Queen, you know mother of Charles, for 23 years a hugely prominent role in both parliamentary and monarchical functions, and present at countless public and private occasions where both he and Charles and Camilla were working closely together.
All of the boring work type facts aside, Kaiser uses this seemingly random post to drive home a particularly awful, false and nasty piece of not only baseless, but incredibly cruel conjecture "I know there are always paternity rumors about Rose’s kids, but all I’ll say is that when the stories first began circulating about Rose and Prince William (circa 2019), no one questioned the paternity of Rose’s sons."
The italics to emphasize 'sons' is all Kaisers, knowing that after their sons, Rose and David had a daughter, in 2016. And presumably by excluding that poor innocent 8 year old from the 'no one questioned the boys paternity' rhetoric she is allowing a clear conclusion to be drawn.
Kaiser never says the most truly awful things outright, she thinks she is too 'whipsmart' for that. Instead she drops disgusting 'hints' to let her rabid followers run wild and do the dirtiest of her dirty work for her.
We see you Kaiser and we know exactly what you are doing and it's vile. Suggesting that Rose Hanbury is lying about the paternity of one of her own children whilst effectively cuckolding her husband? Its ok though as Kaiser concedes "I do think Rose has an It Factor. She’s striking, she’s thin and leggy, and she really does have beautiful eyes." which oddly is usually everything Kaiser hates, but hey she might be having an affair with the husband of a mother of 3 young children who is currently undergoing debilitating treatment for cancer but had the audacity to hesitate before sharing a lipgloss with her new sister in law so surely deserves all of this and more.
Oh and let's also bring a child into this, who is a completely private individual, and only fucking 8 years old and put a nasty loaded comment on the internet about her where it will remain for all eternity. Because remember people 'escapism can be smart'

35 F suffering with headaches, blurred vision, pain behind eyes, tinnitus and sound sensitivity, lower back pain, trapped nerve type pain in hips and back, area of numbness in upper thigh. Two years ago had an epidural and a week later a spinal block. Admitted to hospital last October after images of optic nerves on both sides showed blurred margins and cupping, with a small bleed on the left side, was told MRI and CT normal. Lumbar puncture performed as high pressure was suspected but was told by the doctor that my results were normal. I am concerned that the opening pressure is low and may be due to a CSF leak, can anyone help?
Lumbar puncture- opening pressure 5cms
CSF: Protein 0.49 WBC 1 RBC none No organisms seen Bilirubin 0.001 LDH <50

35 Female 172cms 85kg Smoker Current medications- Lisdexamphetamine, propranolol, citalopram UK
Is this lumbar puncture result normal?
35 F suffering with headaches, blurred vision, pain behind eyes, tinnitus and sound sensitivity, lower back pain, trapped nerve type pain in hips and back, area of numbness in upper thigh. Two years ago had an epidural and a week later a spinal block. Admitted to hospital last October after images of optic nerves on both sides showed blurred margins and cupping, with a small bleed on the left side, was told MRI and CT normal. Lumbar puncture performed as high pressure was suspected but was told by the doctor that my results were normal. I am concerned that the opening pressure is low and may be due to a CSF leak, can anyone help?
Lumbar puncture- opening pressure 5cms
CSF: Protein 0.49 WBC 1 RBC none No organisms seen Bilirubin 0.001 LDH <50

My personal history includes a catastrophic set of eye injuries due to critically high spinal pressure when I was 16. I ruptured both of my optic discs and was very much partially blind for many months, so I since, have avoided eye doctors like the PLAGUE, while also being highly meticulous about my eye care, so as to not HAVE to go to the doctor. I also am going through a preliminary "looks like MS" diagnosis so I have a lot of "otherthings" I can blame my eye issues on including chronic Reynauds and Sjogrens-LIKE symptoms highly related to my WML (white matter lesions) and HEDS. (hypermobile ehlers danlos).
However in the last year or two I have what I can only describe as "felt more autistic" LOL? MORE hypersensitive to light, MORE easily overstimulated and tired out by things I typically enjoy a lot, an some weird convergence insufficiency (not double vision side to side, but the vertical 'halo' or separation on words) which can absolutely be specific to one of the WML I have in my brain! Just SO MUCH more light sensitive, SO MUCH more tired on hikes, and serious depth perception issues once my dyspraxia starts kicking in. So I could have ignore it for THAT reason too until my neuro appt in July to get another referral to a neuro optho which is what I've probably needed to be monitored by for the last 20 years and didn't due to C-PTSD from the event.
I finally "logic gated" myself into going, which is sometimes how my ADHD and Autism have to fight to get me to do something good for myself, thinking "he has the most recent imaging of the back of your eye and optic nerve (lol 8 years since I got hit in the eye at work and went to see him) and will now have comparative for you to take TO the neuro with you, you are going to get an eye exam one way or another, might as well do it". So I did.
Well, as it turns out, my left eye which took the MOST damage to the optic disc and still has its own scar that made a secondary blind spot that is NOT my retina (lol) has gone VERY far sighted all of the sudden (8 years lol). My right eye is SO crisply 20/20 that it is exhausting the hell out of itself trying to FAR sight match the other when I'm driving (my favorite hyper focus activity now that I can't ride horses) , and then the left eye is SO far sighted now that when I'm doing my up close fiber work its jerking and twitching trying to fuse a far and close eye. Its not TOO uncommon, and if it didnt make my eyes so tired all the time, its REALLY great for identifying animals in the field LOL. I have one zoom eyeball when I close my eye.
Anyway, I now have an RX for glasses with literally only one useful lens, (they both will have blue light blocking), and have been told it will improve my overall fatigue and overstimulation and effort by a lot! I am going to see the cost of a pair of sunglasses, because I wear sunglasses if I'm even in a too bright room and so if I am driving I will DEFINITELY be in sunglasses not regular ones.
Anyway, we will see how it helps, and because it was immediately improved by him putting test lenses on me he is pretty confident that at least at THIS TIME, that white matter lesion is NOT what is causing the convergence insufficiency.
Moral of the story: Sometimes things are such a slow creep, and our interoception is so shitty, that we don't notice something is making us really really really wasted mentally speaking, and sometimes, its a very normal thing, that would make ANY humans brain very tired, just ours especially so.
Go get your eyes checked pals! <3 You can even go to Costco for a VERY low fee for a full eye exam as I know health care for everyone in the US can be tenable at best <3