So, I'm seeing some mixed reactions to the last season, and honestly I'm feeling them myself as well, so I decided to sit down and sort of breakdown and analyse some of what happened over the course of Oxventure, what seemed to go well and what didn't, and maybe try to get into some litcrit of the whole thing.
Warning: I'm not always nice in this write up, though I have done my best to be fair and honest throughout in what I think the potential pitfalls were and how I hope they might be better addressed in future campaigns.
I've played D&D myself for a few years, listened to other Actual Play series (notably NADDPOD and some D20 at one end of the competency-of-players scale, and Dragon Friends and Dungeons and Drongos at the other), and write... a lot. Including over 250k of fanfic specifically for Oxventure, which started off as an excuse for smut but ended up being a lot of worldbuilding.

System & Setting

Johnny has made no secret that they're not a huge fan of D&D, indicating that they feel it overshadows other systems, and given that the Spicy Rat Caper was meant to be a one-off but fans loved it perhaps they felt a little trapped in the system. This did lead to some funny moments (Faire Trial and Max commenting that they sometimes felt "like a big dice rolling around a tray" sticks with me) but sometimes felt a bit mean-spirited ("Crawl Me Maybe" and the heavy 'lol dungeon crawling is so ridiculous' comes to mind).
It was also clear that at times, none of the group seemed to know the game and the rules super well. From Mike not knowing his movement speed ("30 what? Miles an hour?") to Merilwen not using her animal forms or changing out her spells until level 8, to the underpowering of most of the classes, it became more of an issue as time when on in some ways.
It's easy enough to understand why, live on stage and starry-eyed at Harry McEntire as Aubrey, Johnny missed that in the combat Aubrey cast two levelled spells in the same round (against the rules) as well as using two sorcery spell modifiers in the same round (also against the rules, and they mentioned this on the podcast). Sorcerer was also a new class to everyone, and dealing with a new class is always going to be difficult, especially dropping them in at a higher level rather than starting from level 1 and building up.
However, bluntly, most of the guild weren't using their class/subclass abilities to the fullest. Rules lawyer Andy did the best, so he gets a pass here, and Ellen got sharper with Merilwen over time to stuff like knowing her spell components, tracking her spell slots, and preparing her spells. However, the concept of Egbert as "a paladin who doesn't do paladin things" (quote from the post-Deadlands discussion) was ultimately really limiting not just for Egbert (Mike commented in one podcast episode that he felt he'd trapped himself in only using Egbert's abilities in ways that were funny) but for the entire concept of paladins - Max might as well have been a fighter in the fight in Gnome Alone that they took part in, and we never saw Shattershield fight at all. There were references to combat offscreen in Out of Order, but... that was it. (Additionally, while paladins can be poisoned, as poison and disease are different in 5e rules, paladins can pump out a LOT of healing, and a citadel full of them should have a lot of magical reserves to draw on as a result.)
And Egbert isn't the only one who was limited. One of the biggest features of Great Old One warlocks (which Prudence is, with Cthulhu), is that from level one they have telepathy within 30ft ("Awakened Mind"). Prudence went the entire campaign without using this. Although Johnny allowed the Message cantrip to be treated like this, allowing people to reply to it when RAW it is one-way only, this meant that Dob also essentially gained Prudence's power because he also had Message. Merilwen was limited in her animal forms and the spells that she knew up until level 8, and it was noticeable how everyone was shocked at her power once she had full RAW druid range. Corazón, on the other hand, not only had Andy keeping on top of all of his class and subclass features, but got two subclasses, leaving him about on par or slightly overpowered for the level he should have been looking overpowered because the others didn't use their abilities so well. Meanwhile, Dob was given access to full bardic abilities, but only used bardic inspiration in some of their level 1 adventures and then not much again until the final season.
The counterpart to this under-utilisation of class potential was the amount of 'rule of cool' or 'rule of funny' which sometimes worked well (Merilwen befriending the owlbear in Quiet Riot, or the reflavouring of Thunder Wave to do lightning damage instead based on their initial misunderstanding) and sometimes ended up breaking the game (the "everyone can cast Moonbeam" joke that escalated to the scrolls of Moonbeam that made the finale kind of laughable). Sometimes this seemed to be the time and audience pressure of live shows (allowing Prudence to use the hammer to wheel her way through the skeletons in Stop Hammer Time), but other times it was just letting them do things that went outside the rules (Egbert body-slamming six(?) Otherberts at once in Bad Altitude, or Dob casting all his spells at once in Corpse and Robbers) seemingly preferring the immediate humour or "yes and" over the potential internal logic or end implications.
The contrast between this permissiveness, sometimes to the point of breaking logical immersion, honestly seemed sharper to me when it was laid against Andy's GMing in Deadlands. Whether it was reminding people that there were snipers on the rooftops in Dead Man's Worth or refusing to yes-and a chandelier in More Wonders Than, he made it more difficult for the players and in doing so made them work harder within their skillsets and the setting, making the victories feel harder-won as a result. I'm aware that some people didn't like Andy's GMing specifically because he was less permissive, but I believe that his intention - and the outcome - was a stronger narrative that made the characters feel active and not just lucky. (Liliana lampshaded this in Frenemy at the Gates when she asked whether things often just fell into their laps, like with knowing Binbag, and it almost felt like a spiteful comment so it surprised me to hear it from Johnny.)
What I hope: It has been indicated that Johnny has created the new setting for the next game, so hopefully they have put things more to their liking at the beginning and will not end up seeming to dunk on the premise of their own series. I'm also hoping for everyone to either use more standardised rules, or at least establish in-game standards at the beginning so that all of the characters, and players, feel like they're on a level playing field from the off. Johnny seemed to much more enjoy the systems of Blades in the Dark and Deadlands (which were designed to be less superhero-level) and even the lower levels of Oxventure (especially Tier 1) where the characters were just people who were skilled but not particularly out of the range of normality; I'd be interested to see whether they lean more in that direction and keep the characters lower-powered as a result.

Characters & Character Arcs

Again, it's worth noting that the characters were initially conceived as being for a one-off game, so the initial concepts did not necessarily need planned arcs. However, the rockiness of some of the arcs overall may have contributed to issues with the series, especially as it stretched out over so many years. I'll go through the PCs alphabetically, then Liliana, then mention any other NPCs. There are two elements here - in-character goals, and character arc goals, which both play into things.
Corazón - in my opinion, Corazón had one of the stronger character arcs, which may reflect Andy's interest in writing (and now being published!), going from the coward pirate-wannabe who abandoned his crew to the curse, to the person who threw himself in front of a spell meant for Merilwen. This was highlighted in his reply to Them in Prism Break, even before the Power Word Kill spell. In fact, the Power Word Kill brought a level of pathos to the fact that he had told Them that he was not even done growing as a person. Andy commented on the podcast at some point that he had expected at the beginning to be one of the more morally shady characters (as a pirate), but found himself playing a line of being immoral regarding money but caring deeply about physical hurt or harm to people. Corazón also had two layers of in-character goals - to break the curse (limited) and to become a betterichereal pirate (more open-ended) and find his own identity which allowed him to carry character development over the years even when the curse was ignored for extended periods. Goals: clear and stepped, with the curse as a plot-hook; arc: good and perfectly timed for the finale.
What I hope for: More of the same, really.
Dob - Dob came in early with a clearly defined goal (to find his sister) - but this was done in Brawl of the Wild and Dob has been sort of... undefined ever since. It absolutely makes sense that he would have floundered for a while, but Dob has gone several years without settling on new goal, and Luke also didn't seem to settle on a character arc (the romance subplot in Orbpocalypse Saga through Bride or Die seemed to be almost a character arc, but never got full payoff?) which left Dob feeling... well, at times it almost seemed like Luke wanted to get rid of him to play someone else instead. This was unfortunately also highlighted in conversation with Them, as the response that Dob gave was about him being a "mote of chaos". I obviously couldn't speak for others, but I found this underwhelming and unconvincing as an answer, as it didn't give me any sense of why a powerful celestial being would consider this an argument - if Dob had developed the argument to be that chaos is generative and creative in a way that pure order cannot be, and/or that the free will and agency of sapience demand that they be allowed to act and to try even if they make mistakes or fail, I think there might have been something there, but he didn't really seem to. Goals: had one which formed a good plot-hook, then went without; arc: unclear.
What I hope for: Luke to determine more of a character arc, or series of shorter arcs, perhaps drawing from his Blades in the Dark DMing experience, and to either pick a more open-ended goal or to move along a series of goals over time.
Egbert - Egbert came in with the vaguer goal of "atonement", which gave him more wiggle room, but unfortunately didn't seem to actively pursue it a lot of the time. In Legacy of Dragons it was revealed that he was searching for atonement for the deaths of two Dragon D'Or members - but by this time, so many people around the Oxventurers had died, including innocent bystanders, that the deaths of two other paladins felt like nothing. (Mike commented, again on the podcast, that he agreed with the commenters at the time who agreed that they knew it was his backstory from the beginning because only two paladins had died. The two figure paled next to the collateral damage that the party later caused.) Mike also commented on the podcast that during lockdown, he had made a conscious change with Egbert in to try to avoid combat as much as possible, and to avoid fatal attacks if in combat, but it wasn't clear how long that lasted. It may have been trying to avoid being the annoying/preachy paladin that stopped him from trying to influence the rest of the party or to save lives around them, but unfortunately it meant that it was difficult to see a real sense of wanting to atone in Egbert's arc. Letting innocents die around him isn't exactly less culpable than killing them himself. (Notable incidents included Mule Be Sorry, Wrangle in the Tangle, Hag Reflex, and Squid Pro Quo.) In terms of character arcs, there was definitely an element of going from seeking approval from Dragon D'Or to seeking that of his friends, but that was just a switching of approval-seeking rather than a significant change. Goals: had one, but didn't seem to actively pursue it; arc: moved from pursuing the morals of Dragon D'Or to pursuing the morals of the Oxventurers.
What I hope for: Mike to come back with a character who seeks to pursue their own goals more directly (see Barnaby and Silas, who both felt much stronger in this sense).
Merilwen - Merilwen was supposed to be about balance and protecting nature, but didn't always heavily engage with this point of view, even when the actions of the other Oxventurers should have absolutely led to discussions or disagreements between them. Many people commented on Andy being dickish about shooting seabirds in Legacy of Dragons, but there are other incidents, including the Wrangle in the Tangle (again), Eldritch or Die Trying (where it would have been interesting to see Merilwen's preference for nature clash with the need for the crystal) and the Extinction season which seemed to veer between being set up to be about Merilwen, then swapping to Dob-centric, then cleaning up Corazon's curse. In terms of character arc, I think there might be an element that can be teased out about her not fitting in with elf society and fitting in better with the faster-paced, more chaotic world of shorter-lived peoples, but this feels like speculation on my part more than something intended. Naturally, a character of around 100 is not going to feel as suited to a coming-of-age story as younger ones, but characters of all ages should be able to have character arcs. (Even if they might be slower in longer-lived people like elves - an example I can go to here is Galadriel, from Tolkien, who in her youth was proud and refused a pardon that would have allowed her to return to Valinor, but at the end of LOTR is humble enough to accept and go there. It took millennia for her, but it was a character arc all the same!) In Merilwen's conversation with Them, her uncertainty seemed to talk to this - a lack of clarity about where her characterisation was supposed to have gone over the last few years. I think there was a real opportunity here to explore Merilwen's relationship with morality and the difference between neutrality and passiveness, which unfortunately was missed. Goals: was supposed to be about nature but didn't push for it; arc: [speculation] seeking a non-elven community that she matched better with.
What I hope for: Ellen to have a character with more defined goals or arc, or gaps still to be filled in, rather than a static momentary sketch of personality/character that doesn't feel designed to be changed over time. Again, Lilith with her secrets/looking into the paranormal, and Edie with her goal to help people in a world in which monsters aren't going away, felt stronger as characters with goals and arcs, and I'd be happy to see more of that.
Prudence - Ambitious from the off, Prudence never actually struggled for goals - power, knowledge, magic, influence. The open-endedness of these goals once again served Prudence pretty well for carrying her through individual adventures/games and over the course of the whole canon, even if she didn't come in with clearly-defined (plot hook) goals like Corazón's curse. For the first few years, it felt that her character arc wasn't hugely significant, although there was certainly an element of found family over selfishness that played into it, but Jane also discussed (again, in the podcast) how the werebear element was really quite exciting for her as it allowed her to begin to explore the clash between werebear Lawful Good status and Prudence's usual Chaotic Evil desires. Eldritch or Die Trying explored this in a somewhat exaggerated way, with Cthulhu offering power in exchange for the destruction of the others (I suspect in Prudence's question about specifying people, she was trying to figure out whether she could kill just Liliana) which was a somewhat blatant nod to the character arc but did underline it. (Unlike the others, this also established Prudence's character arc before Them.) Goals: open-ended in a way that leaves them technically incomplete even now but which were stably useful throughout canon; arc: de-isolation and alignment shifting (in a way that should have been ripe for playing off against Liliana's) which played out well.
What I hope for: A character with perhaps some more specific or plot-hook goals as well as broader life goals. Prudence's character arc played out more subtly than Corazón's and sometimes perhaps got lost behind the louder personalities of some of the others, but I do think was well done. A less obvious way to explore or demonstrate it would have been nice.
Liliana - So. Here we go. Liliana was essentially a DMPC for the last season, but was a recurring character before that, with a stated goal of subjecting part or all of G'eth and broader goals (indicated or stated in Prism Break and the finale season generally) of academic/scholarly improvement, arcane knowledge, and the notion of making people appreciate what they have by threatening to take it from them. As a villain, she was threatening, and the layering of goals once again worked here, even with the abrupt movement to 'save G'eth' in the last season because, well, you can't rule what no longer exists. However, I am honestly confused as to what her character arc was supposed to be - whether her stated change of heart in front of Them was real, or whether that was a lie that Them somehow did not call out or challenge. Considering in Frenemy at the Gates, Liliana says that Prudence is the most like her, there was a potential here to play against Prudence's character arc of coming to trust others, even appreciate others, and facing the consequences of suffering making her realise her own flawed logic. I really do not know whether her betrayal of the guild was planned from the beginning (in which case, her talking to Them feels like it was overplayed, and Them should have challenged her on it) or whether Johnny added it because the fight against the giant was over more quickly than anticipated (compare to Dine Hard where the chef was the one person they did not stat up because they didn't expect the guild to fight him). Goals: logical, stepped, and worked for a villain; arc: ????? was there an arc? Was it fake? Was it desperation? Why did she, on 1 hitpoint, try to Power Word Kill Prudence instead of Teleporting away?
What I hope for: I don't know, with this one, really. Liliana's weird arc feels more related to the odd pacing of the last season than an underlying characterisation issue, for me, so I think it's more related to pacing/wanting Oxventure campaign 1 to close out.

Player Etiquette

...okay, this one is going to be a little bit harsh, perhaps. But the main campaign, more than either Blades in the Dark or Deadlands, really suffered from certain players having a bout of Main Character Syndrome.
I say specifically players here, because it was entirely in-character for certain characters (largely Corazón) to think of themselves as the main character and behave as such. However, even if the characters think that, is generally considered good etiquette for the players to treat each other as equals, let each other take turns in the spotlight, and have their Moments.
Good examples would be the group letting Merilwen be the main character in Peak Performance, Prudence explore her sundered relationship with Cthulhu during the Orbpocalypse Saga, or Dob showing off his acting bard chops in Dine Harder.
However, at various times, various people have overstepped. Sometimes in live shows where the audience response and excitement probably played a role (Rolling in the Deep) it's more understandable, but it also happened elsewhere. Mike got some flack for picking up the eyepatch at the end of Cursed Case Scenario and 'ruining' Corazón's moment, but even Johnny called Andy out for muscling in on Dob's subplot in Court in the Act, and Life Finds a Dob was almost uncomfortable at times. There was also something of a trend of Dob deliberately acting against the party for unclear reasons (possibly meant to be humour?) - either running away from them in Life Finds a Dob, refusing to 'share' Corazon's body in Portal Combat, or his contrary behaviour in Hunter Pressure in not wanting to fight the hunters/murderers they were facing.
I'm not sure whether this trend of contrariness fed into the unclear character arc that I mentioned above, or the other way around, or whether the two just fed into each other.
The most extreme example of this was, undoubtedly, Dob jumping in on the shoot-off between Liliana and Prudence right at the end of Portal Combat. Liliana approached Prudence in Frenemy at the Gates because they were the most alike. Prudence was the one with the first kill of the whole campaign, using Eldritch Blast, against the party's wishes and Corazón's protests specifically - how appropriate would it have been for her to get the last kill of the campaign, with Eldritch Blast, in defense of herself and her party and as retribution for Corazón? But instead, Luke inserted Dob into the standoff and Johnny played into it, even to the absurd extent of letting the skeletons use Time Stop (a 9th Level spell) just to explain why Dob's whole conversation with them could take place faster than Prudence could fire off an eldritch blast. Corazón's self-sacrifice and Merilwen's reveal of her Reincarnation spell was therefore also partially overshadowed by Dob sacrificing his magic for one more hitpoint of damage on Liliana rather than letting Prudence have her moment.
What I hope for: some of the lessons learned from other campaigns to lead the players to be better at taking turns, both in terms of people not trying to be the Main Character at inappropriate moments, players stepping up and into the leading role when it is appropriate for them to do so, and Johnny more actively monitoring the balance between the players and shutting down some of the more egregious behaviour

Morality

This... isn't actually going to be complaining about characters behaving immorally or even being evil. Prudence is honestly a great example of how to play an evil character in a way that doesn't break a party, while Corazón works as being immoral about money but moral about hurting people (at least most of the time). I've also thoroughly enjoyed some other games in which the characters have been far from moral (NADDPOD's Trinyvale series is a good example of this - the characters are scam artists, grifters and egotists, and the DM commented that "character growth doesn't have to be positive!"; they complain the entire time while saving the world).
But it's consistency that is more of a sticking point, as well as the player treatment of the moral positions of the party. It's hard to know how to treat the morals of the party when they vary from letting a town burn for being slightly annoying (Mule Be Sorry) to most of the team being ready to forgive a hag who used to eat human(oid) children (Hag Reflex). This isn't just the players either - Stop Hammer Time used the murder of children as a joke, and marked a change in tone for the treatment of NPCs and civilians as not mattering compared to the preferences or comfort of the main characters. The skeletons killing the children wasn't even some sort of monkey's paw scenario about asking for there to be no more orphans in the town, either - it was just nasty shock value, in many ways. And playing this sort of thing for humour makes it quite hard to handle some of the rest of the series as a result.
There also felt like a dissonance, at times, between the objective morality of the characters and how the players seemed to want them to be treated. Prudence never claimed to be anything other than evil, from shooting someone with eldritch blast during the Spicy Rat Caper to enjoying Hammerdahl's necromancy in Extinction - Jane even indicated that she wanted to explore shifting Prudence's alignment post-Fast and the Furriest, which can be seen as Prudence is much less interested in random acts of destruction and seems quite happy to get her kicks scaring or torturing people (Silent Knight) or watching the gruesome spectacle at the end of Knight Shift. So Jane's plans matched Prudence's behaviour - a softening of her deliberately evil acts, but still happy to let others be evil.
For the others, though, it didn't always match. Merilwen's "True Neutral" label often felt more like passively letting her party members be evil, rather than actively seeking balance, Egbert was supposed to be on the search for atonement but regularly allowed or took part in atrocities, and Dob seemed more inclined to act on what the audience or Luke thought was funny (or even deliberately seeking to be contrary) rather than following a consistent attitude to morality. His vaguely annoyed "Skeletons!" and hands on hips in return to "It's orphans, boss" was clearly played for laughs, and in Mule Be Sorry he turns on the town easily, which then makes it feel strange when in Hag Reflex he objects to letting the hag live. Dob's infatuation with Liliana and Katie Pearlhead, both of whom have killed or caused the deaths of great numbers of people, also makes it harder to take his claims to morality at all seriously. The potential moral issues of Merilwen killing the Otherberts to prevent them from taking a message to Liliana (Bad Altitude) is turned into accusing her of "war crimes", but it is absurd in the face of how many other innocent bystanders the guild had killed or caused to die in other stories (from as early as Quiet Riot, in which the paladins were annoying but killing them was honestly overboard, to as late as Squid Pro Quo where Dob seemed to forget that five people had died and then brushed off the deaths).
NPCs also got hit by this at times, from the town mayor in Mule Be Sorry (again) who put his townsfolk on spike growth just to cross it, to the chef in Dine Harder who was abruptly made a cannibal to get a fight going, to the decay of morally Good characters like Captain Shattershield turning away from the Upside Down Mistmire when in his first appearance he had been willing to fight Death itself for being on Mistmire's grounds. It's hard to take seriously moral questions about keeping the Dragon Under Mistmire in its shelter, and the accidentally-caused deaths of two paladins, when the guild has been responsible for much worse.
What I hope for: an approach to morality that does not prioritise momentary humour over consistency; evil behaviour to be acknowledged as evil and owned rather than treated as protagonist-centric; a moral balance which makes it possible to really explore moral issues and concerns rather than extreme behaviour which then makes it impossible to treat conflict seriously. Legacy of Dragons, as a standalone arc seeking Egbert's redemption, exploring the protection vs freedom of the gold dragon, and considering how to improve vs break systems, had some really great potential - but because of extreme 'rule of funny' behaviour in the past, it was impossible to really feel that it had the moral gravitas and weight that it deserved. When the skeletons go from murdering a dozen innocent children (Stop Hammer Time) to giving Merilwen a bad haircut (Mean Gulls) and this is almost treated as somehow consistent in evilness, it makes it harder to respect the characters or the expectation of moral standards.
The Good: The humour, the quick-wittedness, the variety of stories. Roleplaying moments such as Egbert and Shattershield in Legacy of Dragons, Corazón putting his old self behind him at the Curse Hole, or Merilwen saying "I'll make you" to Vex.
The Bad: Unclear character arcs, inconsistent moralities, underpowered classes but at the same time game-breakingly permissive DMing, and some Main Character Syndrome moments.
The Hope: Learning from teething issues and setting up a game system that the DM doesn't resent so much, to better enable people to balance and play off each other in a less jarring and more consistent way.

If you can't tolerate or don't want statins for cholesterol reduction ask doc about Nezlizet/Nexlitol. The actual drug name is bempedoic acid (BA). Studies show less muscle pain (myalgia) than statins. Unlike Statins, BA does not increase gluclose (A1C) levels. So Nexlizet/Nexlitol may be a better option if pre-diabetic or diabetic. Also the label now indicates Nexlizet/Nexlitol can be used for cardiovascular risk reduction (i.e., lowers risk of cardio events). Docs can now (as of a month ago or so) prescribe Nexlizet/Nexlitol instead of or with statins. The statin can be replaced altogether by Nexlizet/Nexlitol or the statin dose can be lowered if Nexlitol/Nexlizet is prescribed as an adjunct. Consult your physician. Here is more info:
https://www.nexlizet.com/
Read up on it. The drug should be covered by payors. Think there is a way to still get it if insurance is not yet on board. However, payor coverage is rapidly increasing because Nexlizet/Nexlitol can now be prescribed for primary prevention. Docs will still probably try to prescribe statins but this sounds like a good way not to have to take statins due to all their bad side effects or reduce the amount of statins. Also dont have to have to go straight from statins to PCSK9 injections. Can try this first.

cholesterol #diabetes #heart

Hi, guys. I just wanted share my experience with nofap. Got introduced to porn when I was like 11-12, at that time I also discovered masturbation. Since then, I've been doing it till today.
BUT, I have already decided to quit these bad habits because of their tremendous bad effects on me. They're really damaging. Truly evil, tbh.
What effects has PMO have had on my over the course of these years:
1 - My social skills and confidence. Before and in the early years I got introduced to these disgusting things, I was really outgoing, confident and talkative guy. I was confident to the point that I had stood out among my friends in many occasions. But over these years, my confidence and self esteem levels got so decreased that I am often labeled as naive and too soft. People say these to my face.
2 - My body and physical strength. Before I got addicted to PMO, I used to be a "full" and physically strong boy. Sometimes, my friends called me even fat as a way to intimidate me. Now, I'm a skinny guy. It's pretty visible and people often say it. It's like a weak body I have.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I'm really trying to quit this thing and improve. 3 days ago, I broke my 60+ days streak. The benefits I felt after 50+ days are just immense. INCREASED SLEF CONFIDENCE, INCREASED SOCIAL SKILLS AND ENERGY, INCREASED FOCUS, A LOT OF MOTIVATION AND ENERGY TO FOCUS ON MY GOALS. INCREASED MUSCLE MASS ON MY BODY. IMPROVED HAIR QUALITY. I EVEN STARTED GOING TO GYM. But after, 60+ days, I fell victim to this trap and turned into that low energy doomer once again. My social skills got back to stone age. No energy to interact with people. Like a caveman. In the first 3 days after fapping, I felt immensely depressed. I had a strong headache. My hair quality was like sh*t and it got oily. My face skin got also oily. My brain got foggy. No energy and no focus. The muscle mas on my arms and my tight chest are also gone. They're soft once again. Today's is the fourth day and I still have these effects.
I WENT FOR 60+ DAYS. BECAUSE OVER THESE YEARS AND PAST FAILURES, I ANALYSED WHAT MADE ME FAIL. WHAT I SHOULD AVOID.
I'm gonna quit these disgusting habits. I saw and know that life is beautiful and more enjoyable without them. I'm better without them. I'm stronger without them. I'm aiming to go for like at least 2+ years now. No going back. Maybe, until I get married.
All of these are real, guys. No exaggeration.
Thank you if you read so far. And the best of luck to everybody! 😀

Race Information

• Name: BMO Vancouver Marathon 2024
• Date: May 5th, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Vancouver, BC
• Website: https://bmovanmarathon.ca/
• Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/11341057303
• Time: 3:33:31

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	Sub 3:20	No
B	Sub 3:30	No
C	PB (Sub 3:34)	Barely

Splits

Mile	Time
1	7:39
2	7:30
3	7:51
4	7:51
5	7:51
6	8:11
7	8:58
8	8:25
9	8:14
10	8:07
11	7:54
12	7:49
13	7:40
14	8:14
15	8:29
16	8:15
17	8:10
18	8:18
19	8:21
20	8:10
21	7:40
22	7:46
23	7:36
24	7:58
25	8:10
26	7:38
26.2	7:02

Training

My last marathon was Toronto back in October, where I ran 3:34 (race report here).
I mostly followed whatever Garmin's auto-suggested runs were. My goal since last summer has primarily been to improve my aerobic pace with Z2 running. Comparing my HR during runs now to last year seems to indicate I've seen a lot of improvement there, and I can feel that. Another goal of mine since my last race was to work on strength after having issues with my adductors and glute, but I don't think I quite followed through on that. For the first few months of the year I was okay about going to the gym and doing leg curls, split squats, and core work, but I kind of fell out of the habit eventually. I also went to a few strength training classes that would leave me sore for several days, but I need to do that more often to really build on it; I did feel my hamstrings were stronger from doing deadlifts and step-downs.
In some of my long runs I wore a vest and had the idea that maybe I'll carry a vest during the race this time so that I could always have hydration and even add some pomegranate juice/coconut water to a flask for easy access to carbs and electrolytes. This worked well, but I ultimately decided after the training runs that the bouncing would be too annoying, I would sweat more because of the vest, and I am pretty good about drinking lots of water outside of running.
I didn't do a lot of speed work in my training, but when I did up the intensity, I noticed I would sometimes feel some tightness on the right side of my chest, which is an issue I had in high school. At the time I was worried it was a heart issue, but I got a lot of tests done to indicate there were no issues. The issue is that I don't change up how I breathe between easy runs (long, slow breaths) and hard runs. I think I need to breathe more intensely to avoid diaphragm tightness, and more speed training will help with that.
My shoe rotation was Saucony Triumph 20s as my daily trainers, Kinvara 13s as my speed shoe, and I picked up a pair of Endorphin Speed 3s from Winners for $60 a few months ago which I've been using for speed and long runs, which complement my Endorphin Pro 3 race shoes.
My Garmin race prediction was 3:19. My personal feeling was that I could achieve that goal if it was a flat race, but I was skeptical on how I would perform on the course. I looked up other race reviews, watched a video of the race, and tried to think about how I would handle the hills, but knew that I didn't have enough experience to not have it be a factor.

Pre-race

Flight and Expo

Two Fridays before the race I did Anaerobic intervals and that was probably a mistake because my adductor was sore for over 4 days after that. I probably still felt the effects of that on race day.
I did my 5k shakeout run in my race shoes Friday morning. I had leftover pasta before leaving for the airport in the late afternoon. I flew to Vancouver on in the evening, arriving at night.
On Saturday, I went to the grocery store immediately after waking up since it was closed after we arrived the night before. The main things I got for myself that were race-relevant were gluten free quick oats, coconut water, apple and orange juice, honey, sunflower seed butter, soy milk, and a carton of cold brew coffee.
I went to the expo to get my bib before we got lunch in Gastown. We went to MeeT, and I got the Philly Cheezesteak Poutine and Oyster Mushroom Calamari which I shared with my GF. They had an issue with my friend's order so they offered him a free dessert which he was nice enough to share, so I got to have a bit of his brownie too!
After lunch I recommended everyone check out Stanley Park on their own so I could go home and rest my legs. I stopped by Nesters to pick up a GF Caulipower Pizza for dinner to have with some juice. My blood sugar spiked from the poutine at lunch, so I took some insulin to correct that, pre-emptively took insulin for the pizza I was about to have, and took a nap. After that, I put the pizza in the AirBnB's toaster oven (on top of some foil to avoid cross-contamination), but this ended up being a mistake. We discovered later in the week that the toaster oven stops working after a minute or two. When I ate my pizza I noticed it was a bit soft but figured it may have just been the texture: now I know it was likely undercooked, and I feel stupid for not realizing that.

Race Day

The start time for the marathon was 8:30am and I was in the first corral. I woke up at 5:30am and had my oatmeal (quick oats microwaved in water, a spoon of sunflower seed butter, splash of soy milk, superseed blend (chia, hemp, and toasted buckwheat groats), and honey), and a tall glass of cold brew coffee + soy milk. Shortly after waking up I realized I had an upset stomach, so naturally I started feeling stressed that I would have GI issues during the race (see comments about the pizza above). We worried that I may have accidentally ingested gluten due to my group of 7 having gluten in my vicinity, not realizing it was probably the pizza. I had to use the washroom a few times, and hoped it would pass. I had a 500ml bottle of nuun with water mixed with orange juice that I sipped on for the next hour since I saw a Ben Parker video where he did that. Thankfully I wasn't stuck in the bathroom all morning, but I was worried I would feel sick during the race.
With me I brought:

• 5 Huma gels (I don't recall if any of them were caffeinated, but it was Blueberry, Chocolate, and Mocha flavours). I had 2 left after the race.
• 2 Larabars (1 cashew cookie, 1 peanut butter chocolate chip)
• A pack of salt tabs (I'd never taken one but got a free sample at the SF marathon and wanted to have them in case I cramped up for emergency purposes)
• Insulin pump and phone (wish I didn't need to carry a pump with me but it is what it is)
• GF cookies and cream Honey Stinger waffle
• A ziploc bag with two Gravels in case of stomach issues

I was staying in Mount Pleasant and wasn't close to a SkyTrain station. It would have been a 45 minute walk to the start line, but I intended to walk to Main Street and take the 8am bus going south (I originally meant to take the 7:45 bus but my stomach problems delayed my exit). I got to the stop at 7:55, saw a bus approach a few minutes later thinking it was mine, but it said "Sorry, not in service." Oh well, I thought, it'll probably come in a minute. A few minutes pass and no bus came. A different one did that wasn't the one I needed to take. I checked the Transit app and the bus I needed to get on was showing as having already passed. I guess it was the "not in service" one? Maybe it was full? I asked some people at the bus stop who looked like they were spectators, and they were also confused. We ended up walking from there, but I jogged since I needed to get to the start line with some time to spare. During the jog I could tell that my muscles were really tight, which didn't give me a lot of confidence about how the race would do go. I still made it to the start area around 8:15. I stood in line at one of the porta-potties and did my dynamic warm-up routine while waiting. I just made it out of there at 8:28 and rushed over to the start line while gobbling down on my Honey Stinger Waffle and taking a bit of insulin since my blood sugar was already a bit high. Unfortunately, I hastily got into the start line area wherever I could, and I ended up 3 or 4 corrals after the first. I tried as hard as I could to squeeze between people as politely as possible to try and get to my corral. Unfortunately I just missed it, so I ended up being at the front of the 2nd corral, which was fine given what my final time was; I just wish I hadn't wasted energy trying to rush to the front around everyone.

Race

1-6

I started feeling pretty strong, but I also know that my HR takes some time to go up when I start my runs, so I knew I would get cocky in the beginning. My dynamic warm up helped loosen up my glutes and hips, which I was worried about when I jogged to the start line, but immediately when the run started I could feel tightness in my hamstring. Not a great sign but I tried not to focus on it and accept that it's race time so I'll just have to do my best.
I was worried about the hills going in because I didn't do a lot of hill training, and I suck at running down hills. I understand that I simultaneously shouldn't run downhill too quickly to avoid bonking later on, but I also need to use the steady downhills to make up for the time I was going to lose on the climb at Cambie. I went to my physio a few weeks before the race and told her about how I feel tightness in my knee when I run downhill; she helped make adjustments and gave me exercises to do to help my knee feel more comfortable on downhills; they definitely helped, but I still don't have the right technique for running downhill optimally in a way that doesn't cause me to waste energy slowing myself down. I was a little bit ahead of pace by the time I got to the dreaded hill.

7-13

The hill obviously sucked, but that was expected. It was stressful to go slow and have my heart rate go so high, but I tried to keep a consistent cadence going up. At the top of the hill I had a hard time bringing my HR down while maintaining a decent pace. It looks like it took me a few miles after the sharp ascent before I got back to target pace. My hamstring hurting didn't help with this.
The scenery was beautiful and hearing all the positivity around me helped keep my spirits up. After having a gel and trying to pick up the pace a bit I could feel my stomach starting to rumble, so I took one of my gravols and slowed down. I figured they take time to have effect so I wanted to take them early.
I spent a lot of the race alone, which was nice when I would pass by spectators calling my name. It was nice to hear people cheering me on and comment how I wasn't even breaking a sweat. There was a jazz band playing before we arrived at UBC which was awesome to hear.
Right before the halfway mark was a steep downhill. I tried my best to avoid speeding up too much because there was still a lot of race to go. The views of the mountains at the turn were beautiful.

14-21

I started feeling a bit discouraged because my heart rate was in the 170s even though I wasn't going too fast, but my legs were still hurting from the beginning. I read online about how the Burrard Street bridge is brutal and the part of the race where many people hit the wall, so my mind was entirely on that. I also asked my friends to be at the bridge; they already had to go downtown at 9am to see the half marathoners finish and to get one of the people staying with us to his 8k start line at 9:30am. I didn't check my phone during the race but I would see Whatsapp notifications pop up on my watch, and it gave me motivation to see that they were on the way, and also comment on how fast I was going :)
I don't think I had trouble going through the bridge, which motivated me. I also saw a notification saying "we are at the end of the bridge" so I was prepared for that. I saw my friends, gave them a high five, and picked up my pace probably a bit too much 😅
I felt strong going into Stanley Park, but read about how it could be brutal, and was nervous about my HR being in the high 170s already.

21 - Finish

I was mentally prepared for Stanley Park. I was expecting it to be completely dead, but that was not the case for the first half of the Seawall with the aid and cheer stations. The second-half was definitely quiet, but I had my Shokz on playing some music that was fitting for the scenery (Amenra and Septicflesh). It was a bit hard to pick up the pace as the course was a bit tight but I was able to do so. I saw some bloodshed though; one woman was completely covered in a foil blanket with a vested individual standing over her on his phone, one man on a bench with his arm dangling who may have been unresponsive, with some staff rushing back in his direction after I passed him, and one person who started cramping, moved to the side yelling "Fuck!" I yelled at him "You got his!" but immediately realized that maybe those weren't the right words for someone who was cramping up. Not sure what I should have said, though. I started cramping up a tiny bit, my pump was complaining that my blood sugar was dropping, and so I decided to take a gel because I figured it had some electrolytes, and it had been a half hour since my last one. In retrospect I think perhaps a salt tab would have been more useful, but I didn't want to do anything new on race day, even if I only had just over a mile left.
After we left Stanley Park, I felt fine enough to kick up the pace. I saw my friends during the finish and they got some great pictures of me. I was disappointed at how close I was to not PB'ing but at least I reached that milestone. Finishing strong had me feeling like I was holding back elsewhere during the race.

Post-race

I got my medal and felt fine walking to bag check. I picked up a banana and a bottle of the fancy bottled water on the way. I felt sad passing by the sandwiches I couldn't eat. There were also bags of chips that I feel really stupid for skipping. For some reason I scanned the bag for a GF label, but I found out a week later that the brand they had was gluten-free: the GF logo was on the top left, and for some reason I didn't check there.
I passed by a change tent on the way, so I went back there after getting my bag. I put on my hoodie, while bending down to take off my shoes my right adductor started cramping very intensely. I asked someone who was sitting close to me if I could steal their chair and I sat down. I text my friends letting them know I'm in the tent but had a crazy cramp and so was going to take some time to get up. I munched on the banana I had and took a salt cap that I thankfully still had on me. It felt like it took forever but it was probably only 10 minutes until I was able to stand up and lean against a table again to continue putting on my joggers and sandals. It was raining lightly, which was a bit annoying since I was wearing socks with sandals, but it wasn't too heavy. I met up with my friends, got some pictures, and we headed out.
Unfortunately, one of my friends in the group was made aware on Little Red Book that the Lululemon stores downtown had a deal for that day only to get 20% off our purchase if you show your medal/bib. We ended up going to Lululemon 3 times because I'm bad at saying no, so it took a while to get home. We did go to Nuba in Yaletown for lunch which was really good. That night we went to East is East for dinner, which was nice, though in hindsight I should have realized that the loud music made it not the best choice when what I wanted was to feel relaxed and cozy.
We stayed in Vancouver for an extra week and we flew back on the 12th. It was a wonderful stay and I felt depressed coming back. I wish I could have gone on more hikes and even gone trail running through all the beautiful trails in the area.

Retrospective

• I think I ran too conservatively because I was worried about stomach issues (valid given the morning). I needed more electrolytes, though. Overall the race felt easier than Toronto, so it was frustrating that I didn't get a bit closer to my goal time.
• I also wonder how I would have performed if I ran slower in the first half. I know that's the recommendation, but part of me felt like slowing down on some of the downhills would have required me to adjust my form and engage muscles in a way that could have wasted energy. Something to consider for next time, though.
• I wore half tights this time as I had issues with my shorts falling down too much in Toronto. Surprisingly I had that issue this time too! I guess it's a combination of my race belt weighing my shorts down (maybe I should wear it higher?), the weight of Larabars, phone, and pump in my shorts weighing them down (I'm pretty sure I trained like this though), and me losing over 7 lbs in training that caused this. Not sure what I'll do for the next race beyond do more practice in race gear to see what adjustments I need to make.
• I feel like I didn't do a lot of speed work this time around, and any time I did anaerobic runs my adductor would be very sore, so I need to improve my strength there and really build up my speed again. I also need to focus on how I breathe when working hard instead of worrying about breathing in through my mouth too much. My watch would cancel out speed workouts often times because of my lack of sleep and because of my bike commutes and volleyball sessions, so I need to start planning out my own workouts instead of being too much of a slave to my watch's suggestions.
• I'll stop using Kinvara 13s as speed shoes; I'll wear them for some easy runs maybe, or even transition them to daily walkers/gym shoes. I have the Endorphin Speed 3s for speed work now. I also got a pair of Kinvara 14s from Winners for about $50, and the increased cushioning in them might be less likely to cause excessive soreness after doing fast intervals.
• I liked eating Larabars for energy. I am considering continuing with that and also perhaps making my own gels (mostly maple syrup, ginger, salt, and lemon juice is what I'm thinking, perhaps with some chia seeds or subbing for honey) to bring in reusable containers to reduce waste, perhaps be more appealing to consume even without water, and produce less waste/stickiness. Gels also get pricey, it's annoying that Huma's + gels with electrolytes aren't available locally here, and I figure less refined sources of energy would be better than processed foods.
• I want to do dedicated hill and/or trail workouts; I should set time for myself to bike to an area close by to do those as they are fun and will definitely improve my fitness
• There are a few places in Toronto that do Hot/Cold therapy (Othership and Alter) I've been meaning to check out for almost a year. I need to stop being lazy and shy about it and just go because I think it's something I'll like, although I would probably only go once a month considering how much it costs.
• After my last marathon I felt regret that my legs were sore before the race. I tried to fix that this time but wasn't successful. I guess walking to/from work on Friday, then walking with my luggage to the train station and then walking a lot in the airport to get to the gate contributed to that. I went to the expo the next day intending not to spend too much time there, but I was with a group and the people I was with wanted to spend time at a lot of the tables so I ended up on my feet for longer than I probably should have been. I should probably also review the training I do on the last week and maybe consider not even walking to work or biking around town for errands to try and conserve myself more.
• My sleep habits are shit. I watched the Running Channel's recent video on recovering after the London Marathon and Sarah's watch showed that she would casually get over 8 hours and have a sleep score of 90, which is unimaginable to me 😭. I need to change that and intend to do so immediately.
• On the one hand I should prioritize getting to the start line earlier, but I also want to leave as late as possible to avoid having to depend on a crowded port-a-potty. I think this would not have been an issue if my stomach wasn't upset that morning.
• I want to get a running form analysis done. There are a lot of places around me that offer that service and I can get it partially covered under my physio benefits through work.

Looking Forward

I definitely feel like I can PB by a significant margin if I have more discipline in my training, sleep better, and avoid the race day issues I faced. I am still deciding where to do a Fall marathon though. I am trying to weight between what would be a fun race, what would be a good place to travel to and stay for some time after the race, and what would not be too tough of a course. I'm considering the following so far:

• Loch Ness Marathon
  • + I've seen it recommended here a lot, and the Scottish Highlands look beautiful.
  • + Traveling to Europe is nice because it's easy to travel elsewhere on the continent if I do an extended stay before heading back
  • - International travel could make it harder to have an ideal race day, and reading race reports make me nervous about how I may have to take an early bus and stand around the start line for a long time
  • - I'm not sure how good public transit in the area would be since it's rural compared to big cities. I don't like driving if I don't have to and I don't like to use taxis or rideshare
• St George, UT
  • + Downhill marathon, although I think I would prefer a flat marathon as that seems like it would be technically easier unless the decline was light.
  • + I want to explore the southwest canyons as I've never been and it would be fun to explore the hikes in the area afterwards assuming recovery isn't a problem
  • - Presumably no shade since it's down a canyon
  • - Would need a car to get everywhere. Traveling to this area would be for doing a lot of active things but if I give it my all during a marathon it could feel like an incomplete experience.
• Malaga Marathon
  • + Popular flat marathon
  • + Love Spain, but didn't visit Malaga when I went last year. Lots of gluten free food in the area
  • + It's in December, which gives me a lot of time to train and knock out some half marathons in the meantime
  • - I suck at traveling to places where I don't speak the language due to social anxiety. This could be a good way to help get over that and work on it, though.
  • - It being late means it could be a good candidate for a backup marathon in case a primary marathon doesn't go well for whatever reason
• Victoria, BC
  • + BC is beautiful. I wouldn't have to worry about language barriers, and this is a place I would be down to stay for some time after the race.
  • + The race is well-rated for beauty
  • - While not too difficult, the race has a lot of rolling hills, so it will be mildly technical the whole way through
  • - Maybe too similar to Vancouver? Should I prioritize traveling somewhere else instead of doing another week-long BC trip?

Upcoming local races I'm signed up for are a 10k in June by the waterfront, and a 10k in September on the Toronto Island. I would like to see how close I can get to 40 minutes if I wore my Endorphin Speed 3s. I'm hoping to pick training back up this week, but not ramp up too quickly.
I also want to sign up for trail races because trail running is fun. It's unfortunate how it's hard to participate without relying on a car, though.
I may do the Presidio Half Marathon in San Francisco at the end of June; I was offered free registration so long as I record and upload the race as I did for the San Francisco Marathon; it looks like flights to the area area bit pricey at this time though, so even if I stay with a friend it might be a bit too much right now.
Made with a new race report generator created by herumph.

First / Previous
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I’m back, still alive!
So, I saw another animal, but first, let me talk about my discussions with Andrew. He seemed relieved that I wanted to stay on after meeting Miss Giant Spider. There were several occasions that she was the reason a new night security person had quit, mostly because she was often the first to come say hello once we were able to see her. She was social, or at least the version of social that things like her could be.
At that, Andrew told me he’d decide to resume tours. Apparently I’ve been doing so well, and I’d handled meeting Yui with such grace (I didn’t tell him I almost pissed my pants) that he figured I’d be sticking around. He was right, of course. And it was encouraging enough to hear it from him that I got a little boost of self-confidence. I know y’all are probably older than me, but this is my first real full-time job, so that was really cool to hear from him.
I know continuing to work here does make me the world’s biggest hypocrite considering my pet peeve of people who lack common sense, but it seems the universe found my weakness. I can’t help it. I’m a wildlife biologist at heart and these animals are devastatingly fascinating, and if I quit I wouldn’t be able to learn all about them. I’m hoping Andrew will eventually let me ask Suzanne for books about them, from wherever they’re from. Plus, the scariest thing I’d ever seen in my life didn’t kill me, so maybe I can put this in the ‘common sense win’ column, hm? The spider wanted to eat me, she didn’t eat me, therefore the wards are solid and she can’t eat me. Right? I’m going with that.
Apparently Roger, the last guy who ran the night shift, ran a tight ship. He interacted with the animals on a purely basic level, never falling for their tricks, never getting killed or even hurt. Some of his job, and therefore what was becoming my job, was ensuring that the animals were doing well. This meant he needed to be able to see all of them, and so once they realized he’d reached his limit at eight, Suzanne did some wand-waving (no, I don’t know if she has a wand, I’m being facetious), and he could see the rest. According to Andrew, that had something to do with letting our minds stretch and reach its natural limits before stretching it further.
Most nights I arrive early, just before Andrew leaves, and I ask him questions I have. After seeing Yui’s human form, I did ask Andrew about her intelligence, but he just smiled and shook his head. He explained that there were dogs smarter than any the animals at the zoo, at least when you were comparing them to levels of human intelligence. Her appearance was just a disguise and her polite words to me were intelligence of an impressive border collie the filtered through the skill of a parrot. I wouldn’t be able to converse with her on any real level.
However, saying all of that lacks accuracy, because comparing animals to humans always leaves out quite a bit. For example, humans realized ants can figure out where they are and where to go from the position of the sun, while humans would need trigonometry for that. It doesn’t mean ants are capable of learning trig.
Something notable that I brought up with Andrew was enrichment. The layout of the zoo isn’t exactly typical, because for most of the animals, it backs up quite a ways into the forest that surrounds the zoo before ending at a tall fence. That means there’s more of a natural existence for them, and with a lot more space than even the most generous zoo, it likely feels to them like they’re still out in the wild, and they don’t get bored too easily.
That was the reason Andrew gave for having so few enrichment ideas, that they already had space to roam and engaged with plenty of animals including some that burrowed, various birds (and snatching eggs from nests), and climbers like racoons, opossums, and squirrels. The big thing my boss considered enrichment was putting specific live prey like goats or turkeys into the enclosures for some variety, which made sense. But I couldn’t help thinking that it was still important to make like any other zoo and give them some bonus fun occasionally.
When it came to Yui, I asked Andrew if he knew whether she’d prefer something to play with in her human form or her tarantula form. That’s when I learned the human form was a disguise, to get prey to come closer, which was exactly the honey trap of death that my subconscious had imagined it to be. (Yay.) So, she remains a tarantula most of the time.
On that note, did you know many pet tarantulas like ping-pong balls? Check it out on YouTube if you’ve got some time to kill. On that note, I thought it’d be worth a shot to see if Yui liked it.
My first image was of that meme of George R.R. Martin in a giant hamster ball, the person who’d shared it giving the photo a caption that scolded him from goofing off when they wanted him to be writing the next Game of Thrones book. The thing is, that was approximately the right size, but most of those are inflatable. Yui has little claws at the end of her feet, so I needed something plastic. That meant making some calls around to manufacturers (by email, since I was doing this in the middle of the night) for something custom made.
I do have to say, looking to have a giant plastic ball for a huge tarantula to play with had not been on my list of likely things to happen at my new job, but it was highly entertaining. I wish I could have told the people I was emailing, but at least I can tell all of you.
I wrote a list of other enrichment possibilities in my phone, and one morning when I arrived early, I spoke with Andrew about them. It wasn’t much of a list yet, but I’d gotten started from what I knew about Yui and figured I’d throw some other things at the wall to see what stuck.
Andrew did seem iffy about introducing new things, saying, “If it ain’t broke, I don’t like trying to fix it.” But part of my job was allegedly enrichment, according to the job posting. It just seemed like over the decades of the zoo’s existence so far, they counted on prey to be that enrichment. Not that I’m saying they were neglecting the animals, of course; honestly I still have a lot (or rather, everything) to learn about them. But I figured doing the kind of enrichment I’d been taught in my college classes could be great.
“By the way, this might sound stupid, but does Leila need any enrichment?” I asked with a grimace. “I don’t know a lot about ghosts, but I would assume it’s a boring existence. I can only go on stories, and a bored ghost gets into trouble, according to the popular culture.”
Andrew smirked and nodded. “Yeah, they do in films, but this isn’t that kind of situation. With Leila…her soul isn’t actually here. The ghost is more of an echo of her, left behind, imprinted when she was attacked,” he explained.
“Her soul isn’t here,” I repeated. “That’s…interesting.”
“I’m not in charge of the afterlife,” he said with a shrug. “Gratefully, Ripley, I only have to manage this one business. Whatever goes on with that side of things must be more stress than I can imagine and I’d turn down the job if offered, no matter the pay.”
Once I received an email confirming a company’s ability to create a lightweight but solid plastic ball, much like a super-sized ping-pong ball, Andrew approved the purchase of the toy. I was eager to get started on stuff for the other animals, but until I got a good look at them, I felt I didn’t have enough info to go on. And Andrew still didn’t want to educate me on things I hadn’t seen yet, calling it learning on a ‘need-to-know basis,’ since I’m human, so he’ll be waiting before spilling all the weird, freaky beans. I’ll have to be patient.
What he had done was given me a summaries that Roger had written down, but actually they weren’t much help. This was because Roger had a background as a security guard rather than being educated in wildlife, as I did. Andrew said the man had been extremely capable at his job, but looking for someone with a degree this time was a choice he was happy with.
Roger was concise, I’ll give him that. On this list of his, taking Yui as an example, it said ‘spider woman - enclosure 7 - Yui’, along with the animals she liked to hunt. It hadn’t taken him that long to figure out what our animals most enjoyed hunting, mostly from wildlife cameras that were installed in the forestry. They were all omnivores (or rather, you could say they had degrees in being omnivores with a specialization in being a carnivore, because Andrew said they could eat almost anything someone might toss into their enclosure), but some of them had special preferences on top of that.
Another description for animal I hadn’t seen yet was, ‘centaur - enclosure 10 - Arnold’. For any animal that didn’t have a given name (Yui was able to introduce herself, since she’d been named before, I was told), Roger made one up, and Andrew told me that Arnold was named after Arnold Schwarzenegger because he had incredible muscles. Also notable was that he was not a centaur, that was just the closest approximation that Roger’s mind was able to label him, because his most notable feature was that he had no skin. The part of my brain that was a biology major crawled all over that fact, but couldn’t make sense of how it could be beneficial to survival. Then again, since they came from another world, I had no environment on which to base my evolutionary ideas.
Yui has looked out at me from the forest on two more occasions so far, both times in her spider form, though she didn’t attempt communication again. I was extremely grateful, because even as I reminded myself that she hadn’t so much as attempted to hurt me, and that there really was an invisible wall there, I still wanted some more time to get used to her appearance. There was a near certain chance she would love to have me as a meal, just as any predator might, so my hindbrain trembled whenever I saw her. But each time, I reminded myself that this was why I’d been hired, because I showed a healthy amount of fear for the animals. Then I took a deep breath and moved on.
However, I did see another animal on the cameras, and then on a walk, a few days ago. This one wasn’t as terrifying as Yui (though that’s a high bar), but it was freaky. I saw it when I passed the area that led to the small lake, where I’d been told several animals had access from their enclosures bordering it. I zoomed in to get a better look, the cameras doing the impressive job of making the animal many times bigger and perfectly crisp on the screen.
At first glance it seemed like some sort of dog-possum hybrid, the size of a Doberman. Most notable was the hand at the end of its tail, like that of a racoon but larger and with claws. I recall thinking that the animals in our world with prehensile tails have nothing on that. It had small ears and black and grey fur covered its body, but the animal had shaken itself after coming out of the water, and when it had done so, its hair stood up on end like it was infused with static electricity. The thing was, having done that, it looked like the hair down its back had become a mohawk of spines. Wondering if it had the skills of a porcupine, I mentally took in as much information as I could about its appearance.
Later that shift, on another walk through the zoo, I thought I heard an animal crying. I say animal, but if I hadn’t been a major in wildlife biology, I would’ve said I heard a human baby crying. There are a surprising amount of animals that sound like humans shrieking or crying, which can make for a disturbing experience if you live in rural areas with lots of forestry. If someone grew up there, they got used to it. If they were unfamiliar with that weirdness, however, they might get worried some psycho had left a baby in the woods and went looking for the source, but those folks were probably candidates for a Darwin award.
This was definitely an imitation of a human baby crying, and it was spot on. It was coming from Spike’s enclosure, but I just stopped a couple yards from the fence for a long, thoughtful moment before moving on to walk the rest of the zoo, ignoring the sound. Two hours (and therefore two laps) later, it gave up trying to draw me in.
Anyway, the first time I’d seen the animal, I’d returned to the security room, double-checked, and confirmed that this animal was named ‘Spike’ (no points for originality, Roger). Apparently its food of choice was fish, but musing on that didn’t give me many hints as to what it might enjoy as enrichment. Clearly the sound imitation was a form of drawing in prey, so that didn’t help much either. What did give me hints was the fact that, according to Roger’s notes, it was known to not just kill the fish and eat the meat, but also the scales.
In addition, it didn’t just eat fish, but also turtles, lizards, and snakes, and if it killed a human, it had been known to specifically go for our nails and hair before making like a carnivore on the rest of us. That meant keratin was an important element of his diet. So, any fish or reptile made nutritious prey, which was convenient since the lake was stocked regularly and the reptiles were plentiful throughout the forest.
Determined to find something for it to enjoy, though, I considered what its instincts might prompt it to appreciate. That’s the way to go with all enrichment, even for humans. Just think of all the games we play as kids. Hide and seek. Tag. Red light, green light. All things that tested our ability to avoid predators and catch prey. We play these games since we enjoy them, and we enjoy them for a very good reason: our brain gives us happy-hormone feedback because it’s good training for our ongoing survival.
With that in mind, I considered possibly giving it foods that were difficult to eat, to mimic the difficulty of pulling nails and hair out of corpses. I know, it’s a gruesome train of thought, considering I was one of those animals that he’d probably be delighted to snack on, but that’s what happens when you’re in charge of animals like these. I considered things like pomegranates, artichokes, avocados, or pineapple, but definitely nuts like pistachios, pecans, peanuts, and hazelnuts. Its claws were made for attacking prey, but they could also be useful when opening nuts. And I didn’t get a good look at its teeth, but I figured it was similar to a squirrel in that way.
Those items were easy to fetch from a big grocery store, and there was a Walmart on my commute home, so I stopped in to buy some. The cashier was probably confused as to why I was sampling a bunch of things, but I was using the zoo’s business card for this, and didn’t want to overdo it.
I’d asked Andrew if he wanted to get them himself or reimburse me, actually, and he’d just handed me the card. “I doubt you’re the type to head to Vegas,” he’d said with a smile. “Keep it in your wallet for the future and I’ll get another. Just bring me the receipts from your purchases and I’ll file them in the system.”
The diet of the zoo’s animals didn’t wholly consist of animals they hunted. Some was delivered, and near the dumpster was a pile of boxes that had been broken down, so I grabbed one of those and taped it back together to bring the food out to Spike. I put the fruits in, and then a handful of each of the nuts. Then I folded the flaps closed, walked through the zoo over to enclosure four and, from two yards away, lifted the box to my shoulder and chucked it as hard as I could.
The box landed with a thud, and I waited around for a minute but Spike didn’t show, so I headed back to the security room. He’d emerged from the trees shortly after I’d left, wandering over to the box. I pulled up the view of the camera and enlarged it on the screen, zooming in, watching hopefully as he prodded at it. It didn’t take him long to open it, though he used his claws rather than following the strategy of simply unfolding the flaps like a human would have done.
Spike was definitely curious of the variety of new, potentially edible things splayed across the ground. He took a minute to look through them before settling on the pineapple. The spikes seemed to intrigue him, and he used his claws to open up the fruit, carving out a slice. Eating it, I couldn’t really decipher his reaction through facial expressions, but he dropped it and backed up at step before swiping at it with a hand, flinging it yards away, as if it had insulted his mother. So, it seemed he was not fond of it.
The same thing went for the pomegranate and avocado, unfortunately, and I slumped in disappointment, but I was happy to see that the artichoke was one in the win column. He looked like he was enjoying peeling of each leaf individually, and then ate the heart last. By that point I felt like I’d gotten a small sense of reading his body language, and I think he enjoyed the heart.
The smaller foods came next, and I leaned in closer, folding my arms on the desk. The pistachios are what Spike went for first, presumably because the gap between the shells let him get into it pretty quickly. Those were a no-go too, unfortunately, which wasn’t that surprising to me considering their distinctive taste. But when he tried the pecans next? Holy crap, he bounced from foot to foot in an undeniable happy dance, finding the others and gathering them all in a pile.
Cracking each shell open with his claws, he went through every single pecan, one by one, often opening several and eating them together. I leaned back in my chair with a satisfied smile as I watched him go through all of them. After he’d finished them, he moved onto the peanuts, which weren’t appealing, but the hazelnuts were.
My eyes widened when put the nut in between his teeth and chomped down enough to crack the shell. I swore under my breath. Those shells are tough, so that was terrifyingly impressive. And again, the hazelnut was more appealing to him, whatever quality of taste it had prompting him to go through each of them just as he had the pecans.
“So, that was a job well done,” I spoke to myself out loud.
Taking my notepad from my pocket, I added in Enrichment: artichokes, pecans, hazelnuts, on the page that I’d titled Spike and mentally patted myself on the back.
I know it’s unlikely that I can find enrichment items for every animal at the zoo, and Andrew was right that they don’t have typical enclosures, since they have their own little forests. But it was fulfilling to finally use my degree for something, to add something to the life of an animal that didn’t get to hang out with others in its species, as was typical for animals. Or at least was typical for animals on Earth. I figured these things at least had a drive to mate. These things might be terrifying, dangerous cryptids, but they are starting to feel like my terrifying, dangerous cryptids.
​
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***
/storiesbykaren

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Before I came in for work today, Suzanne texted me that Andrew was recovering well, just as expected, and I mentally breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn’t slept well, bothered by nightmares that disappeared from my memory but left stress in their wake.
It turned out the animal that had been stolen was a small humanoid creature, something we would label as a cryptid, Suzanne told me. It had claws but wasn’t that strong, and actually she described its appearance as ‘spindly with a large head’, and if the robbers had the right tools for the job, it would have been easy to bind and steal it. My heart went out to the animal, wondering where it had gone, who’d bought it, and where it would be kept. I hadn’t even had the opportunity to see it, but I felt the loss, an endangered animal stolen by someone who cared only for its monetary value.
Then Suzanne told me that Andrew would be recuperating for a week, and informed me of the exciting fact that I’d be getting my first tour group in just a few days. I’ve been studying the animals to get more familiar with them, even the ones I hadn’t seen yet. She had indeed gotten me those glasses that were magically spelled or whatnot and I’d memorized facts along with enclosure numbers, so it seemed I was good to go.
Some fun news today is that Yui’s ginormous ping pong ball arrived, and once I assembled it, it turned out to be just as advertised, which means it’s almost as tall as I am. Needing to be assembled from a bunch of curved pieces wasn’t surprising and it wasn’t difficult to do so. Everything slid into place easily; there were twelve pieces that were held together by screws, some of which I attached while sitting inside it, then a ninth piece to cover the last gap. I had to do it outside the office, obviously, since it wouldn’t have fit through the door. Leila came over to watch, standing a dozen yards away and looking at what I was doing, her expression one of bemusement and interest.
Once I was done, I rolled it gradually forward down the path toward enclosure seven. The material it had been constructed from was almost as lightweight as a ping-pong ball, which made its weight surprising considering its size. Aside from notches here and there for a person to grip to move it, the ball was smooth, which would make it easy for Yui to roll it around. The key to this toy was that it wasn’t easily grabbable, so it would be a challenge to maneuver.
“Knock, knock,” I spoke, bringing the ball to a stop. “Special delivery.”
When I arrived, I considered the fence for a moment before grasping two handholds and pushing the ball slightly against the fence, using that to hoist it up and over. The ball bounced a bit as it landed on the other side and I smiled. “All right. Hope you like your new toy,” I murmured. At that, I took a lap around the zoo, since it was about that time, then headed back toward the security room.
On my way there, though, I slowed to a stop when I saw a man taking the little bag out of a garbage bin that hung from a tree and tying it shut, replacing it with a new one. Suzanne had told me that I’d have company and who to expect, and here he was. There were several bins in the zoo, situated along the typical path guests took, about the size of one you’d put in a small bathroom. It didn’t look that full, but they never really were since they weren’t used often. I guess this one had accumulated a few items.
“Hi,” I said, drawing his attention. “You must be John.”
“And you must be Ripley,” he said, holding out a hand for me, glancing up to meet my gaze only briefly. His handshake was polite but meek. “Pleasure to meet you.”
I would’ve said John’s accent was British also, but it sounded different. Thicker. Honestly, when it comes to the accents on that large collection of islands off the coast of Europe, I can’t say I’m an expert. They all sound the same to my uneducated ears. The man was short and had curly gray hair that tapered at his ears, and looked like his white skin had wrinkled from lots of time in the sun, though it wasn’t that tan.
There was something about him that was a little unsettling, the way he slouched, as if he wanted to turn invisible. Even his clothes seemed drab and shabby, though not quite reaching the rating of being threadbare. He wore an old t-shirt with the Arkansas Razorbacks logo, a pair of blue jeans, worn at the pockets, knees, and bottoms, and light brown sneakers darkened from wear and tear.
Picking up a broom he’d left leaning against the tree, he motioned toward the front of the zoo. “I’ll get back to work now,” he said.
“Doing what?” I asked curiously. There wasn’t much to be done, since zoos usually only needed maintenance because of patrons, and we had very few of those.
“Path needs sweeping,” he called over his shoulder, quickly heading off.
I stared after him and let out a breath. “Not a people person, I guess. Well, I can empathize.”
Back at the security room, I took a seat and pulled up the camera for Yui’s enclosure, sitting up straight and smiling, delighted to see that she’d discovered the ball. The giant tarantula was leaning back and using her front two legs to investigate the texture and weight of it. Then she pushed at it, rolling it across the grass. Obviously, I’m not fluent in tarantula body language, but from the fact that she kept playing with it for the next few minutes, I concluded that she liked it.
I grinned and clapped my hands like an excited child, bouncing once in my chair. It probably seems silly, but enrichment was going so well and it really made me happy. Animals deserve to be able to live wild and free naturally, but short of that, I wanted to be able to give them some fun.
The next lap around the zoo had me stopping at enclosure eight, that green lion creature, where the occupant was lounging across a wide boulder. I checked that her eyes were opened and that I wasn’t waking her before calling, “Thank you for telling me about Andrew.”
The animal lifted her head and got up, slowly descending to the ground. “You’re welcome.”
The animal leaned back to stretch her front legs just like a common housecat, and then leaned forward to stretch the back legs before she shook out her mane and turned to me. “I would like some books.”
My eyebrows went up. “Books? To read?”
“No. Not like you read them. I want to be near them. I’ve seen you giving things to the other animals. Can I have a bookshelf full of books?”
I felt the urge to laugh, but I quashed it. It seemed outlandish, but it must have had something to do with its psychic-ish abilities, so it made sense in a strange sort of way.
“Of course,” I replied. “Can I put the shelf out here on the path, or does it need to be inside your enclosure?”
She lowered herself to the ground, splaying out. “Out there is fine.”
“I’ll cover it with plastic so it doesn’t get wet from rain. Do you know how to read?” I questioned.
“No. It’s too hard,” she said. “But I don’t need to. Having to read a book to learn what it says would take a long time anyway.”
I pursed my lips and nodded my agreement. It was hard to argue with that. And it certainly would’ve been a lot easier for me while I’d been attending college classes. On that note, I wondered if putting a flash drive full of a library’s worth of books at the edge of the animal’s enclosure would do the same trick? I was immediately tempted to try, especially considering it would be much easier than buying, assembling, and water-proofing a bookshelf.
Back at the office, grabbing my purse from the table, I sat down in my chair and fished around inside until I found a flash drive. Then I pulled up archive.org on my computer’s monitor, searching for fiction books. After I’d downloaded a few dozen, I ejected the drive and headed back out to Sun’s enclosure.
She hadn’t moved from where she’d been when I left. “Hello,” she said, her tail whipping in curiosity like a cat’s would.
“Hello again. I have a new device here,” I said, putting the flash drive on the ground just short of the fence. “It has books on it. Can you read them?”
Sitting up a little straighter, Sun blinked languidly and paused for a moment before saying, “Yes, I can.”
I bounced a little bit again in delight. “Awesome. That’s awesome.”
“Is that a book?”
“Oh, no, it’s just got books inside it,” I said.
Sun slowly got to her feet and wandered over, and my muscles tensed as my brain urged me to take a few steps backwards the closer she got. Despite the warding and the fact that she wasn’t looking hungry, my instincts were still determined to protect me from her. “That looks too small to have books inside it.”
“Oh, ah…it’s…complicated,” I said. “But humans found out how to store data on things like this. It’s great that this is just like a bookshelf for you, because I can get so many things for you to read.”
“I’d like that very much.”
“Is there anything specific you like to read? Fiction or nonfiction? Specific genres?”
“I like both information that is true and stories that are made up,” Sun told me. “Humans make things of all kinds and I love all of them.”
At that, Sun wandered back over to the large boulder she’d been on and lay back down on it, as if she were sunbathing in the red light of the lamps. I left the flash drive there so Sun could keep…absorbing the info, or whatever it was she was doing, knowing that I could dig out another from my disorganized, chock-full-of-stuff purse. There was also the possibility of going to Suzanne for permission to buy books, and I wondered if I could use my library card. I could literally get her a different bunch of eBooks every day.
I did indeed find another flash drive floating around, and loaded on as many books as I could find for free. I also found a small old plastic bag, and I put the flash drive in it, to protect it from the elements.
Going back to enclosure eight, I found Sun laying on her back, in that long, upside-down pose cats were fond of. “I have more books for you,” I said with a smile.
“Yes?” She turned over. “I’ve only read one of the books so far from that little thing.”
I blinked and looked down at the flash drive on the ground, picking it up. “You already read one?” I exclaimed. I shouldn’t have been surprised, really. This was learning by osmosis, not actually reading the books.
“I did.”
“Well then it’s a good thing I’ve come with so many more,” I said, putting the other drive in the plastic bag with the new one. I left it on the ground where it had been and stood, my hands on my hips. “I’m taking over for Andrew for a tour. Is there anything you think I should know?”
“There are many things you should know, but you will learn them in time,” she replied.
Apparently when it comes to advice, sometimes Sun is just about as good as a horoscope.
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***
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Hello Everyone,
I want to share the nightmare my sweet angel and I have been going through this past week.
I want to ensure no one else has to go through this with their beloved babies. Please take this as a warning to trust your gut and not believe everything your veterinarians tell you.
My cat (13) was diagnosed with (early) Hyperthyroidism on April 16, and subsequently given Tapazole to manage the rising T4 levels due to her overactive thyroids.
Everything was going well after this and she was scheduled to return to the vet on May 10 to check her bloodwork again.
Sadly, upon returning home from work on May 07, I found her unable to support her back legs and would collapse when attempting to walk.
I rushed to the closest emergency hospital, which they advised it could have been caused due to one of three things:

• Thyroid Attack
• Stroke-Like Event
• Thrombosis

I contacted my regular veterinarian as soon as they were open. To note, this is a smaller, private practice and the clinic has two attending vets.
We have been a client of this clinic since we adopted our cat (she was approximately 6 or 7 at the time)
Our regular attending vet was away on vacation, so they had their other vet (who happens to be the owner of the clinic) look at my cat.
This vet deemed my cat to have suffered from muscoskeletal injury/trauma.
She injected her with Metacam, did bloodwork, and an x-ray.
Everything came back normal. No sign of trauma. She figured it was an injury in the soft tissue along the spine, which is why she couldn't see it on the x-rays.
The vet prescribed me oral Metacam, which is an anti-inflammatory pain killer, to help my cat with her "pain and inflammation".
The vet also prescribed twice daily potassium supplements to assist with muscle function.
The vet told me to up her thyroid medication.
After some digging and discussion with our regular vet, upon return from her vacation, it was found out (only after my prying and questions) that my cat was misdiagnosed. The bloodwork comparisons vs. what the vet diagnosed her with made absolutely no sense.
My cat likely had a bloodclot that got stuck briefly then passed through. She was getting better and walking well before the Metacam was prescribed.
The vet was aware of her improvements, but still prescribed this awful drug. I was not told the dangers of this drug, and was advised to "only give it to her when she's doing well".
This drug is hard on the stomach lining. If the vet looked into my cats long history at this clinic, she would have read that my cat suffers from chronic vomiting.
As per my vet, Metacam prescriptions are no longer considered as "off-label" to cats in my country.
My cat is now suffering from gastroenteritis due to Metacam. She has had to return to the vet a few times for fluids to stay hydrated. I am praying she pulls through.
The clinic has offered to refund me every cent I paid for their unnecessary and harmful services (~2k).
I am not at liberty to mention my cats name (unique and easily identifiable), the clinics who wrongfully treated her and the names of the Veterinarians involved.
I have involved a lawyer for veterinarian malpractice and negligence. I have contacted the local governing body for veterinarians in my area to file a complaint against these clinics.
Please don't make my mistake and believe every word your veterinarian tells you. It might cause your cat a premature death.
TLDR; My cat (13) was misdiagnosed, even though clear evidence of bloodwork and x-rays were present. Oral Metacam, potassium supplements and increased Tapazole dosage was prescribed, effectively making her worse and almost killing her. Please take everything you are told by your veterinarian with a grain of salt.

I'm doing weightlifting/strength training 4 days a week and cardio 5 days a week. Male. Early 40s. I'm interested in post-workout supplements to aide muscle building and recovery after a workout. No need to tell me the value of eating lots of protein from meats and eggs. I'm doing that. But, I generally don't enjoy eating a lot after a big workout, but a protein shake is definitely doable -- and just intended to augment, not replace the protein I'm getting through food.
So, I'm seeking an all-in-1 supplement with whey protein, BCAAs and creatine.

1. Any particular product recommendations?
2. Or, alternatively, any thoughts on whether an all-in-1 is not as strong as "stacking" individual supplements into one shake myself?
3. And, any recommendations on what to look for on the labels in terms of amounts/types/sources/descriptions for the key ingredients?

I'd personally prefer the convenience of an all-in-1, but I'm open to suggestions! I'm in the U.S.

33F, 5'10" & 145lbs, on 30mg of Lexapro for anxiety/depression, .5mg Ativan (very rarely), Yaz birth control, and Famotidine for reflux.
Hi there! I'm getting frustrated and a tad desperate here, and my doctors seem to be shrugging me off at this point. Let me try to be concise with a brief timeline.
Late June 2023 - I began experiencing what I am now 99% sure were severe reflux symptoms, since they stopped abruptly when I began taking Famotidine (sensation of being strangled, which escalated to a full-body general malaise, fatigue, chest pressure, clenching pain in the neck/throat, tongue fatigue, swallowing discomfort & pain)... lots of very scary things). I didn't know what was going on & went to my PCP. he ordered a thyroid ultrasound & I it uncovered two nodules, one labeled "moderately suspicious." this scared the hell out of me & my doctor didn't contact me to explain that it wasn't a big deal for more than two weeks. during this time I convinced myself I had thyroid cancer (I historically suffer from pretty severe anxiety) and my reflux symptoms worsened.
August 3rd 2023 - I decided to get back on an SSRI because of the anxiety I had been experiencing, so I contacted my psychiatrist and they put me back on a med that had worked in the past, Trintellix. I took a 5mg dose around dinnertime, but that night around 1:30am I woke abruptly with the first and only panic attack I've ever had. I started uncontrollably shaking, my heart raced, and my mind was 100% dominated by the certainty that my death was imminent.
After this, I stopped being able to sleep or eat properly. I lost about 20lbs very quickly (from about 145 to 125) and gradually developed a ton of new symptoms - left leg pain, particularly when sitting, seemingly originating from my glute/pelvic area; right shoulder pain that radiated down the whole arm on the outer side; a sensation of partial numbness without pins & needles in my left foot; and full-body muscle fasciculations. I would have these episodes where I'd begin tremoring, usually later in the afternoon, sometimes just my legs but sometimes my whole body.
for almost 2 months (August to the end of September) I was going days without sleeping, barely eating, and borderline catatonic when I wasn't crying. I took an extended leave from work and my brother essentially had to take care of me. I became convinced I was dying, particularly after I Googled muscle twitching. I went to many doctor's appointments and I had MANY tests done in the coming months, including: a limb EMG in September (100% unremarkable), a 2nd EMG in December (also 100% unremarkable), a brain MRI and later a c-spine MRI (former was clear, latter showed mild arthritic changes & mild stenosis), a laryngoscopy followed by a barium swallow study (redness, but normal swallowing), many blood tests from rheumatology, neurology, and my PCP, x-rays, ultrasounds... all clear. I can provide the specific findings if someone actually decides to try to help my sorry ass out.
Throughout all of this, I was experiencing very strong pain that was escalating in how constant it was. initially it flared up throughout the day and was at its worst in the evenings. at times it would seem very nerve-based, a shooting pain that would travel down my leg or arm from my shouldeglute and curl my toes/fingers. I finally started reflux meds in like... February and eliminated those symptoms, but the pain and twitching remained.
Now, in May of 2024, I am in almost constant pain every day. I am so tired of living like this. My right forearm and elbow region has been experiencing burning and sometimes cold sensations for a few weeks now, and I'm becoming paranoid that there is a new dent in the muscle in my inner arm where the burning is the worst, though I do not know if it was always there or not. my hypothenar muscle on my right also hurts almost 24/7. my left leg has begun tightening up (it isn't physically tensing and it's completely flexible, but it FEELS tight, like an overfilled water balloon). I've been in physical therapy for about 2 months and working on the arm and leg and nothing is happening. I have a neuro follow-up on 5/24 and another around the 1-year symptom mark (8/9), but I don't know what to think. I just know that my quality of life is massively depleted, I'm exhausted, and I just want to be active again without worrying that it'll put me out of commission (I like to hike & the last time I did, I hiked 8 miles & couldn't sleep because of the leg pain and tightness).
If anyone could give me SOME avenue to pursue, I would be so grateful. I am lost here, and things seem to be worsening. It is scary! I can answer any questions to clarify.

I've recently been reflecting on my efforts at being more productive and started writing some longer form content to help structure my thoughts.
I wrote up the below in the past few days and wanted to share. Perhaps some of you have also found yourself hindered by an ongoing search for the ideal life path vs. just enjoy the journey.
Hope you find this helpful!
Despite your inflated sense of yourself, you are not, amongst all other humans, impervious to being brainwashed. This is a hardwired feature of your mind and a circuit that is operating at all times, if you allow it to do so. You aren’t being brainwashed in the cartoonish mode of being made to act like a chicken or empty your wallet. However, you are being brainwashed nonetheless.
Replace the word “brainwashed” with “influenced” and you may start to see my point. If you read me, you are not a fan of the influencers for stupid people (a la Andrew Tate) but perhaps you have more refined taste (Huberman, Attia, Ferriss, Jocko, Peterson, Newport). If there are any such personalities you are a fan of, I assure you that in your efforts to live a more productive, successful, disciplined life… you have been brainwashed.
I want to focus on how quickly the messages that you hear from these sources transition into “shoulds” that run in the background of your daily self-talk. These sources are an unending stream of great ideas for how you should wake up, how you should work, how you should eat, how you should exercise, how you should have sex, how you should meditate, how you should partake in leisure and so on. Notice that they don’t always come in the form of a statement that says “you should do x.” They may come in the form of “my typical daily routine looks like y”. Either way, your mind is primed and ready to sponge it all up.
If you were but a simple peasant farming in Ye Olde England six hundred years ago, your life was governed by a very rigid set of “shoulds”. There was the Bible, there were social norms, the rules of the king, and so. However, these were still a relatively manageable list of rules that one could live by, and it was not unreasonable to assume that you could mostly stay on the Righteous Path. Fast forward to the algo-influencer age and all bets are off. Open up any platform and within minutes, you’ll be bombarded with more “shoulds” than you can possibly keep in mind at once. This observation comes with no value judgment on the quality of what we are being told, I am only commenting on the volume.
You are wrong if you tell me that you are effective at curating the good stuff that will improve your life from the algo-influencer-Youtube-podcast-x regime. I know you think you are because, as we noted, you are a fan of the high class, refined content. The good stuff. The science backed stuff. Here’s the thing, once a source of information finds some sort of “resonance” with your subconscious, you are going to suck it all right up. All the great stuff you hear will immediately seep into your subconscious and become a constant quiet voice in the back of your mind berating you with a litany of “shoulds.”
Alas, you object - it’s all good stuff. Huberman has me locked onto managing my dopamine levels, Attia has me optimizing my diet, Dr. Zoidberg has me keeping limber, and Cal Newport is showing me how to live a deep life. I want to point out three problems with what is going on here.
Problem #1 - Your mind is not actually asking what end purpose is being served by adopting the idea that you “should” be doing a given thing.
Let’s cue Jocko Willink on this one. I am someone who, for many years, felt it was important to wake up at 4:30am because of… discipline. Why? Well, I must get up early to be up before the enemy and for freedom. I note that discipline is the ultimate meta-”should”. Discipline means getting yourself to do all the “shoulds” on your list. Can anyone tell me what outcome I’m missing out on by not partaking in a daily cold plunge, heat plunge, ice bath, or looking at the sun within 15 minutes of waking up?
Problem #2 - Even if you have a desired end goal, your mind is not doing a rigorous job of assessing whether or not a given “should” will get you there.
Most of us would like more control of our daily schedule in order to have more freedom and flexibility. The grindset types on Youtube, or on X have a common solution for us. I am not likely taking a huge leap in that one “should” you have picked up is something to do with entrepreneurship. Ok, have you really considered whether starting your own business will give you more freedom? Maybe it will… I just suspect you picked up this idea without really looking at the pros and cons.
Problem #3 - Even if you’ve been bequeathed a fantastic, grade A, “should” from someone… you’ve got more than you can handle already.
If a “should” that you heard on Youtube or read in a book resonates for some reason, your mind will take it up and start beaming you subconscious messages to do that thing. Your mind will also happily send you 10 of these at once. Are they contradictory? Who cares? I “should” wake up at 4:30, and I should sleep at least 8 hours with no alarm clock. I should also consider being a night owl creative type, and stay up late to grind if life demands it. Some “shoulds” probably aren’t even really defined to any precision. I should be more driven, more mindful, more dynamic. I genuinely feel all those impulses and can’t even begin to tell you what it would like to actually do them. Mr. Brain has no problem with cognitive dissonance, and will dutifully tell me to live up to all of these.
Let’s now talk about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden (as an aside, yes I also feel a “should” to be more religious, spiritual, and penitent). Well, really I want to talk about The Promised Land. I know you… you are the hard driving, disciplined type. You like to punish yourself for not living up to your expectations. Alas, you are on the verge of getting there. If you could just get a few days in a row where you nail all your “shoulds,” it will all fall into place. One perfect day will lead to the next and the next. Then, I’ll have made it. I’ll be in the land of enlightenment (and oh so productive). Fellow pilgrim, I’m right there with you on the Righteous Path.
Wait a second, something feels off. Did I say above that our mind will happily adopt any set of “shoulds” no matter how contradictory or ill-defined they may be? And, did I also say that I’m striving to get to The Promised Land by doing “All the Shoulds”? If The Righteous Path is the road that leads to The Promised Land, I’ve got some bad news for you. You are permanently off The Righteous Path. This, my friend, is why you constantly feel like you are not living up to your expectations. They are impossible - you never had a chance. It’s ok though - Jesus died for your sins and there is still a path to salvation.
Oh, but, I’m not ready for salvation, I want to rock on. Here’s what we’d all prefer to do when faced with that sensation of being off the Path. It’s time to hunker down, and go to war, and GRIND. Don’t tell me I can’t do it all. When fate whispers, “You cannot Withstand The Storm,” the Warrior Whispers, “I am the Storm.” I’m feeling chills (no really, it’s a great quote). That’s how we roll. We man up and get that shit done. Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if that worked you wouldn’t still be in the market for motivational content. You are still lost… no Youtube video is going to get out of the bottomless deep of the “should.”
Back to Jesus (gasp - you didn’t warn me this would be a borderline sacrilegious article). It’s okay, Jesus is fair game in the algo-world. This is that obnoxious pause point in a self help book where there’s a worksheet page and you are asked to write stuff down. Take 10 minutes and make yourself a list of all the “shoulds” that you are feeling at this point about your life. I’ll help you get going with some prompts: businesses to start, podcasts to create, books to read, daily rituals to adopt, food to eat/not eat, workout routine to start, races to run, people to call, projects to do. You get the idea.
More work for you. Now imagine your perfect day. I mean a day that checks all the boxes. I despise rap, but seek inspiration in imagining the productivity version of the Ice Cube hit, “It was a Good Day.” How would you spend your time? Think about it hour by hour, minute by minute. When do you wake up? What do you do after waking up? How much time do you spend working? What sort of work? What else do you do? Map it all out. Imagine this as a day where you fully control your schedule.
Are you still with me? Probably not. This is too many words for the internet and I’m asking too much of your lazy ass. You should be less lazy. See what I did there? Ok, next step. Map your perfect day onto reality. Take any of the days from the past week where you had real life commitments such as work meetings, errands, childcare and ask yourself how you would map this perfect day onto that reality. Where would the three hours of Cal Newport Deep Work fit? How would you wake up at 4:30am after being up late because your kid was sick or your friend from out of town was visiting?
My point is, of course, obvious. However, don’t underestimate what I am saying. I am not saying that you can’t always have your perfect day. I am saying you can never have the perfect day. You are imposing unrealistic expectations upon reality. This conflict has always existed and you had two choices: 1) Dig deeper and muscle through because you are failing as a person to be sufficiently disciplined, or 2) Accept that your “shoulds” were always impossible to fully satisfy, and try something different.
Here’s the last thing I want you to do for now. Go back to your “should” list from the first step and take a critical eye. I give you permission to cross out as many as you’d like. If you are unsure before you cross it out, ask yourself: Where did this idea come from? Does it help me lead a happier life? Do I even agree with the premise? When in doubt, cross it out and feel the freedom.
I’ll leave you with one last message - you are probably doing just fine. Are there improvements you can make in your life? Sure, we all can. However, you aren’t failing, you aren’t straying from The Righteous Path, and there is no Promised Land. There’s just the lower case p path, and that is alright.

DAY: MAY 15, 2024

• 5-15-2024ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE PROCESSES WITHOUT SYMPTOMS. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Everyone experiences aging in their own way, and factors such as genetics, lifestyle and environment play a role in this process. Some individuals reach the age of 90 or even 100 in good health, without medications or brain disease. But how do these individuals maintain their health as they age?
• 5-15-2024COULD A LOW-CAL KETO DIET HELP EASE ACNE? In a small pilot study, some young women looking to lose weight on a low-calorie keto diet got an unexpected benefit: Their acne began to clear up. “These findings represent an opportunity to control a skin disease that affects most teenagers and many adults at some point in their lifetimes, causing distress, embarrassment, anxiety and low self-confidence among sufferers, robbing them of their quality of life,
• 5-15-2024FIGHTING FAT AND INFLAMMATION: SCIENTISTS DEVELOP NEW COMPOUNDS The menthyl esters of valine (MV) and isoleucine (MI) are multi-faceted molecules with enhanced anti-inflammatory and anti-obesity activities. The discovery and development of such molecules can result in newer classes of therapeutic drugs to treat a wide range of metabolic disorders. Credit: Gen-ichiro Arimura from Tokyo University of Science Modified derivatives of natural products have led to significant therapeutic advances and commercial success in recent times. Menthol is a naturally occurring cyclic monoterpene alcohol found in various plants,
• 5-15-2024TREATMENT OPTIONS INCLUDE ALTERNATIVES TO CHEMOTHERAPY, EXPERT EXPLAINS Chemotherapy is usually the first treatment doctors try to treat lymphoma, including the two most common forms: non-Hodgkin and Hodgkin. But alternatives to chemotherapy are developing, as first-line treatments and as backup options, explains Stephen Ansell, M.D., Ph.D., hematology chair and hematologic oncologist at the Mayo Clinic Comprehensive Cancer Center. Lymphoma is a blood cancer that begins when a germ-fighting white blood cell, called a lymphocyte, mutates and rapidly multiplies
• 5-15-2024CHECKING YOUR BELLY BUTTON CAN TELL YOU A LOT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH Navels, belly buttons, innies or outies … whatever term you use, your umbilicus may have plenty to tell you about the state of your health. For some, they are the thing of nightmares—omphalophobia (the fear of belly buttons) is a real condition. For others, they are a fashion accessory to be shown off in a crop top, or decorated with a body piercing. Whatever your feelings about belly buttons, one thing’s for sure—it once joined you to your mother
• 5-15-2024STUDY FINDS H5N1 VIRUS FROM 2022 MINK OUTBREAK CAPABLE OF INEFFICIENT AIRBORNE TRANSMISSION Direct contact transmission, weight loss, and survival for ferrets infected with A/mink (H5N1). Four donor ferrets were inoculated with A/mink (H5N1) and 24?h later each donor was paired with a contact in the same cage. Nasal wash samples were collected every other day for 13 days, and weight loss and clinical signs were monitored. A, B display viral titers from donor and direct contacts,
• 5-15-2024STUDY SHOWS COMBINING JOYFUL ACTIVITIES WITH ‘SAVORING’ THERAPY SHOWS POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH RESULTS AMONG YOUNG PEOPLE With rates of depression rising among young people on university campuses, a team of SMU researchers found that combining two different therapeutic approaches demonstrated effectiveness in improving students’ overall mental health. Their findings show that students receiving behavioral activation (BA) therapy augmented with savoring (S) experienced improvements in positive and negative mood. Behavioral activation is a therapeutic approach that alleviates depression by increasing engagement in meaningful activities,
• 5-15-2024AI-BASED SURGICAL PREDICTION MODELS HAVE LIMITS Prediction models generated by machine learning are being increasingly used in medicine to identify risk factors and possible outcomes, especially for total joint replacements of knees and hips—although researchers warn that machine-generated predictions are currently being drawn from a limited data pool. “Machine learning has great potential for processing ‘big data’ and has proved its undeniable capability, although it is not free of issues,
• 5-15-2024STUDY FINDS FRONT-OF-PACKAGE NUTRITION LABELING RESULTS IN HEALTHIER PRODUCTS A study finds that a food labeling system introduced by the French government in 2017 resulted in healthier products. The study of Nutri-Score, a voluntary labeling system that assigns a simple letter grade based on nutrition, is believed to be the first to examine how food manufacturers responded to the change. Using detailed product and nutrition data from 2014 to 2021,
• 5-15-2024EXPERT EXPLAINS PUBLIC HEALTH CONCERNS ON AVIAN FLU Using genetically engineered mice expressing a specific variant of HLA, researchers uncover the instrumental role of this protein in the development of drug eruptions. They found that when HLA binds to an antiviral drug, abacavir, it can lead to the formation of defective proteins, which trigger a stress response in the endoplasmic reticulum, ultimately cascading into drug eruption. This implies that HLA is involved in previously unknown signaling pathways and processes that go beyond its traditionally accepted role within the immune system.
• 5-15-2024EXPLORING THE MECHANISM BEHIND DRUG ERUPTIONS IN THE SKINUsing genetically engineered mice expressing a specific variant of HLA, researchers uncover the instrumental role of this protein in the development of drug eruptions. They found that when HLA binds to an antiviral drug, abacavir, it can lead to the formation of defective proteins, which trigger a stress response in the endoplasmic reticulum, ultimately cascading into drug eruption.
• 5-15-2024STUDY PROVIDES BLUEPRINT FOR HYBRID-VIRTUAL HOME VISIT MODEL TO SUPPORT PATIENTS WHO DO NOT LIVE CLOSE TO A HOSPITAL a team developed and successfully tested a hybrid-virtual home visit model that provides care to veterans who do not live close to a VA health care facility.
• 5-15-2024HOW SCIENCE IS CHANGING THE GAME IN SPORTS Digital twins of athletes allow athletes and coaches to evaluate performance and trial technique changes. It’s an open secret that the countries that win the most medals in the Olympics and Paralympics combine talent and technology. Athletes are preparing for the next three Olympics and Paralympics in Paris in 2024
• 5-15-2024STUDY REVEALS HOW PRACTICE FORMS NEW MEMORY PATHWAYS IN THE BRAIN The effects of optogenetic inhibition on WM task performance. a, The experimental set-up. b, The delayed-association WM task trial types; licking was assessed during the 3?s choice period, with early- and late-delays periods noted. c, Learning progress across eight sessions, measured on the basis of the percentage of correct responses. d, Learning session example
• 5-15-2024A MEDITERRANEAN DIET CAN EASE SYMPTOMS OF STRESS AND ANXIETY, SAYS STUDY It’s no secret that the Mediterranean diet is good for your health. Already recommended to reduce the risks of bowel cancer, heart disease, and dementia, new research shows that the Mediterranean diet can also reduce symptoms of stress and anxiety.
• 5-15-2024ENHANCING PATIENT RESPONSE TO CANCER IMMUNOTHERAPY
• 5-15-2024LONGER SPRINT INTERVALS CAN IMPROVE MUSCLE OXYGEN UTILIZATION COMPARED TO SHORTER INTERVALS
• 5-15-2024NEW EVIDENCE FOR USE OF ANTI-INFLAMMATORY THERAPY FOR PREVENTION OF RECURRENT VASCULAR EVENTS IN STROKE
• 5-15-2024STUDY PAVES THE WAY FOR AN ACTIVE AGENT AGAINST HEPATITIS E
• 5-15-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP METHOD TO MONITOR PATIENTS WITH SPINAL MUSCULAR ATROPHY USING SOUND WAVES
• 5-15-2024INFERTILITY TREATMENT FOUND TO DOUBLE THE RISK OF POSTPARTUM HEART DISEASE
• 5-15-2024A PROMISING APPROACH TO INTRAOPERATIVE CANCER DIAGNOSIS
• 5-15-2024HOW ROGUE NEUTROPHILS HELP LUNG CANCER SPREAD
• 5-15-2024WOMEN PHYSICIANS ARE UNDERREPRESENTED AND FEEL LESS IMPACTFUL IN CANCER TREATMENT PLANNING VIRTUAL MEETINGS
• 5-15-2024ONLY 20% OF U.S. NONPROFIT HOSPITALS INVESTED IN HOUSING AS PART OF THE FEDERAL COMMUNITY BENEFIT MANDATE
• 5-15-2024NEW STUDY LINKS AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER TO DISRUPTED DEVELOPMENTAL DOPAMINE
• 5-15-2024STUDY FINDS SEVERE ISCHEMIC STROKES ARE RARE IN PATIENT POPULATION
• 5-15-2024CYCLIN D1 EXPRESSION MAY BE A BIOMARKER FOR PENILE CANCER
• 5-15-2024GUIDELINE ISSUED FOR PEOPLE WITH EPILEPSY WHO MAY BECOME PREGNANT
• 5-15-2024NEW CARDIAC RESEARCH COULD SAVE WOMEN’S LIVES BY IMPROVING DETECTION OF HEART FAILURE
• 5-15-2024PATIENTS REPORT SIGNIFICANT SYMPTOM REDUCTION WITHIN A SINGLE INTEGRATIVE MEDICINE ENCOUNTER
• 5-15-2024STUDY LINKS PROTEIN SECRETED BY BLOOD VESSELS TO DRUG-RESISTANT CANCER
• 5-15-2024RESEARCHERS EXPLORE THE ROLE OF OF TRANSPOSABLE ELEMENTS IN MYOCARDITIS
• 5-15-2024STUDY REVEALS IMMUNOTHERAPY’S POTENTIAL IN BOOSTING IMMUNE SYSTEMS OF OLDER INDIVIDUALS
• 5-15-2024CANADIAN HOSPITAL DATA SHOW LONGER, COSTLIER STAYS FOR PATIENTS EXPERIENCING HOMELESSNESS
• 5-15-2024SCIENTISTS WANT TO KNOW HOW THE SMELLS OF NATURE BENEFIT OUR HEALTH
• 5-15-2024STUDY FINDS TWO GENES OF THE GERMLINE ARE ESSENTIAL FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF BRAIN TUMORS IN DROSOPHILA
• 5-15-2024EVALUATING A NEW GROUP TRAINING TOOL FOR THE PREVENTION OF DEMENTIA
• 5-15-2024RESEARCH CHALLENGES LINK BETWEEN MOTOR IMPAIRMENT AND BRAIN INJURY
• 5-15-2024RESEARCH CHALLENGES LINK BETWEEN MOTOR IMPAIRMENT AND BRAIN INJURY
• 5-15-2024CHIROPRACTIC ASSOCIATED WITH LOWER LIKELIHOOD OF TRAMADOL PRESCRIPTION IN ADULTS WITH SCIATICA
• 5-15-2024UNVEILING THE IMPACT OF JOB LOSS ON THE HEALTH OF IMMIGRANTS IN GERMANY
• 5-15-2024HEALTH CARE INTERPRETERS IMPORTANT FOR HEART ATTACK REHABILITATION, SAYS STUDY
• 5-15-2024RESEARCHERS FIND MICROPLASTICS IN CANINE AND HUMAN TESTICULAR TISSUE
• 5-15-2024ANTISEIZURE MEDICATIONS CAN PRODUCE LIFE-THREATENING REACTIONS
• 5-15-2024ADULTS WHO HAD DIFFICULT CHILDHOODS ARE NOT RECEIVING SUFFICIENT MENTAL HEALTH CARE, FINDS CALIFORNIA STUDY
• 5-15-2024AI MAY IMPROVE DOCTOR–PATIENT INTERACTIONS FOR OLDER ADULTS WITH CANCER
• 5-15-2024BLOOD PRESSURE DRUGS MORE THAN DOUBLE BONE-FRACTURE RISK IN NURSING HOME PATIENTS
• 5-15-2024PREVENTING PEDIATRIC FALLS
• 5-15-2024I’M PREGNANT. DO I NEED A MULTIVITAMIN?
• 5-15-2024TREATMENT-RESISTANT DEPRESSION LINKED TO BODY MASS INDEX: STUDY
• 5-15-2024HOW DID THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC AFFECT OLDER ADULTS’ TECHNOLOGY USE?
• 5-15-2024STUDY FINDS LINK BETWEEN BMI TRAJECTORIES AND FRACTURE RISK IN LATE ADULTHOOD
• 5-15-2024STUDY FINDS REDUCED RISK OF BREAST CANCER FOLLOWING BARIATRIC SURGERY IN WOMEN WITH HYPERINSULINEMIA
• 5-15-2024FEWER US OVERDOSE DEATHS WERE REPORTED LAST YEAR, BUT EXPERTS ARE STILL CAUTIOUS
• 5-15-2024PRE- AND POST-SURGICAL IMMUNOTHERAPY IMPROVES OUTCOMES FOR PATIENTS WITH OPERABLE LUNG CANCER, PHASE III STUDY FINDS
• 5-15-2024NEW METHOD USES TAU PROTEIN DEPOSITION PATTERNS TO PREDICT ALZHEIMER’S SEVERITY
• 5-15-2024OLDER NATIVE AMERICANS MAY EXPERIENCE HIGHER LEVELS OF COGNITIVE IMPAIRMENT THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
• 5-15-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP INNOVATIVE PLATFORM FOR MODELING HUMAN MUSCLE DISEASES IN WORMS
• 5-15-2024CLIMATE CHANGE IS LIKELY TO AGGRAVATE BRAIN CONDITIONS, STUDY FINDS
• 5-15-2024NEW STUDY SHOWS CONTINUED HIGH EFFECTIVENESS OF HPV VACCINATION IN ENGLAND
• 5-15-2024FAT-ENLARGED AXILLARY NODES ON MAMMOGRAM MAY INDICATE HIGHER CVD RISK
• 5-15-2024NOVEL INHIBITOR INSIGHTS OFFER PATHWAY TO PREVENTING PXR-ASSOCIATED DRUG RESISTANCE
• 5-15-2024THE DOCTOR IS IN… BUT WHAT’S BEHIND THEM? STUDY REVEALS IMPACTS OF TELEHEALTH BACKGROUND SETTINGS
• 5-15-2024HIGH TELEHEALTH USE TIED TO INCREASED HEALTH CARE UTILIZATION, COST
• 5-15-2024NEW BIOMARKER IDENTIFIED TO DIAGNOSE ALZHEIMER’S IN ASYMPTOMATIC STAGES
• 5-15-2024U.S. DROWNING DEATHS RISING AGAIN AFTER YEARS OF DECLINE
• 5-15-2024STUDY FINDS ASTROCYTIC PH REGULATOR CAN REPAIR BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER, REVERSE BRAIN DAMAGE CAUSED BY ISCHEMIC STROKE
• 5-15-2024DISPARITIES SEEN IN CARBAPENEM-RESISTANT ENTEROBACTERALES BLOODSTREAM INFECTION OUTCOMES
• 5-15-2024WHY IS WHOOPING COUGH SURGING IN THE UK? FALLING VACCINATION RATES MAY BE THE ANSWER
• 5-15-2024CARDIAC REHAB IS A PROVEN BUT UNDERUSED THERAPY IN WOMEN, BUT TAILORED RESOURCES AIM TO CHANGE THAT
• 5-15-2024IRON FUELS IMMUNE CELLS—AND IT COULD MAKE ASTHMA WORSE
• 5-15-2024NEW POSSIBILITIES FOR CELL THERAPIES AND PERSONALIZED MEDICINE
• 5-15-2024HIGHER INCOME REDUCES STROKE MORTALITY RISK BY A THIRD, NEW STUDY SHOWS
• 5-15-2024SOME FORMS OF AUGMENTED BRAIN STIMULATION RECOMMENDED FOR MAJOR DEPRESSION
• 5-15-2024LOW TESTOSTERONE IN MEN ASSOCIATED WITH AN EARLY DEATH
• 5-15-2024WEARING FACE MASKS DID NOT REDUCE RISK OF COVID INFECTION AFTER FIRST OMICRON WAVE, RESEARCH SUGGESTS
• 5-15-2024BLUETOOTH TRACKING DEVICES PROVIDE NEW VIEW INTO CARE HOME QUALITY
• 5-15-2024RACIAL DISPARITIES IN CHILDHOOD OBESITY ON THE RISE IN STUDY OF NYC PUBLIC SCHOOLS
• 5-15-2024TWO DECADES OF STUDIES SUGGEST HEALTH BENEFITS ASSOCIATED WITH PLANT-BASED DIETS, BUT CAUTION URGED
• 5-15-2024TRANSCATHETER VALVE REPLACEMENT OUTCOMES SIMILAR TO SURGERY FOR SEVERE AORTIC STENOSIS
• 5-15-2024RECOGNIZING THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL TOLL THAT CARING FOR A LOVED ONE WITH A CHRONIC CONDITION HAS ON THE CAREGIVER
• 5-15-2024DIFFICULT WORK ARRANGEMENTS FORCE MANY WOMEN TO STOP BREASTFEEDING EARLY—HERE’S HOW TO PREVENT THIS
• 5-15-2024DAY-LONG WORKSHOP IN COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY FOUND TO EFFECTIVELY REDUCE DEPRESSION IN 16- TO 18-YEAR-OLDS
• 5-15-2024REPORT HIGHLIGHTS BIG GAPS IN CANCER OUTCOMES BASED ON RACE
• 5-15-2024NEW BLOOD TEST COULD HELP SPOT PREECLAMPSIA IN FIRST TRIMESTER
• 5-15-2024HALF-MATCHED FAMILY DONORS OFFER BEST OUTCOMES FOR HISPANIC PATIENTS UNDERGOING BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS: STUDY
• 5-15-2024SCIENTISTS UNRAVEL GENETIC BASIS FOR NEURODEGENERATIVE DISORDERS THAT AFFECT VISION
• 5-15-2024INCLUDING MORE WOMEN ON HOSPITAL TEAMS YIELDS BETTER SURGERY OUTCOMES, NEW STUDY FINDS
• 5-15-2024RESEARCH SHEDS LIGHT ON HOW PROTEINS LINKED TO ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE INFLUENCE NEURONAL GROWTH
• 5-15-2024RESEARCHERS IDENTIFY NEW MARKER FOR BREAST CANCER PROGNOSIS
• 5-15-2024GETTING OUT AND ABOUT IN THE COMMUNITY MAY BE LINKED TO COGNITIVE FUNCTION
• 5-15-2024NOVEL TECHNIQUE HELPS PREDICT RISK OF A MENISCUS TEAR IN THE KNEE
• 5-15-2024CAN ROBOT-INSPIRED COMPUTER-ASSISTED THERAPY BENEFIT CHILDREN WITH AUTISM?
• 5-15-2024RESEARCH FINDS EXERCISE HAS A SIGNIFICANT IMPACT ON IMMUNE CELLS THAT SUPPORT BRAIN FUNCTION
• 5-15-2024CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASES KILL 10,000 EUROPEANS A DAY: WHO
• 5-15-2024NEW TOOL CAN HELP SURGEONS QUICKLY SEARCH VIDEOS AND CREATE INTERACTIVE FEEDBACK
• 5-15-2024SCIENTISTS DISCOVER BLOOD PROTEINS THAT MAY GIVE CANCER WARNING SEVEN YEARS BEFORE DIAGNOSIS
• 5-15-2024HOW THEY IMPACT LIFESPAN IN VERTEBRATES
• 5-15-2024UN AGENCY AUTHORIZES SECOND VACCINE AGAINST DENGUE AMID OUTBREAKS IN THE AMERICAS
• 5-15-2024IF YOU’VE TRIED MEDITATING BUT CAN’T SIT STILL, HERE’S HOW—AND WHY—TO TRY AGAIN
• 5-15-2024RESEARCHERS DETERMINE THE MUTATIONS THAT PROTECT MICE FROM B-CELL CANCERS
• 5-15-2024UP TO 246 MILLION OLDER PEOPLE MAY BE EXPOSED TO HEAT RISK BY 2050 DUE TO GLOBAL WARMING
• 5-15-2024MORE RESEARCH SUPPORTS ANDROGEN TREATMENT FOR BREAST CANCER
• 5-15-2024UNDERSTANDING THE ROLE GUT MICROBIOME–BRAIN INTERACTIONS PLAY IN SOCIAL DECISION-MAKING
• 5-15-2024NEW STUDY IDENTIFIES MECHANISM OF IMMUNE EVASION OF SARS-COV-2 AND VARIANTS
• 5-15-2024RESEARCH SHOWS RECENT RELEASE FROM JAIL A BIG RISK FACTOR FOR SUICIDE
• 5-15-2024RESEARCH COLLABORATION DEVELOPS LIFESAVING ‘ARK’ TECHNOLOGY FOR CHRONIC KIDNEY DISEASE PATIENTS
• 5-15-2024FOUR IN 10 ADULTS WITH DIABETES REPORT TAKING A GLP-1 RECEPTOR AGONIST
• 5-15-2024NEIGHBORHOOD INEQUITY TIED TO MORE PEOPLE LIVING WITH VISION DIFFICULTY, BLINDNESS
• 5-15-2024CHILD MALTREATMENT LINKED TO EXTERNALIZING, INTERNALIZING BEHAVIOR
• 5-15-2024MOST SLOW RESPONDERS TO TIRZEPATIDE DO LOSE CLINICALLY MEANINGFUL WEIGHT
• 5-15-2024RESEARCHERS IDENTIFY CAUSATIVE GENE IN MOUSE MODEL OF INHERITED LETHAL ARRHYTHMIA
• 5-15-2024TECH ALONE CAN’T REPLACE HUMAN COACHES IN OBESITY TREATMENT, STUDY FINDS

Welp, first, here's my previous post, but you can see my old numbers in the attached lab report to this update post. https://www.reddit.com/Cholesterol/s/ALBJxAYVyR
My l biggest problems (although there are others) are LDL cholesterol, triglycerides, and insulin resistance. I improved all of those numbers (and some other baddies), but not as much as I'd hoped, given my diet changes.
In November of 2023, I learned I have terrible LDL cholesterol and triglyceride numbers. I immediately changed what I eat. I stopped butter; I cook with olive oil now. I stopped eating candy, pastries, etc. I have eaten four pieces of bacon (a favorite) in the last six months. I stopped eating fried food.
I do enjoy a gourmet dessert at a restaurant on occasion; if I'm going to have it, it better be super special. I was eating so much candy before. Not only is it bad for triglycerides, but once I started checking labels, I saw the tremendous amount of saturated fat in even one Lindt milk chocolate candy. I stopped drinking Coke or any other soda. I drink smoothies sometimes, and I add ground flax seed. Otherwise, I drink only water and some coffee in the morning. I do include a splash of 2% milk and a teaspoon of sugar.
I eat red meat once a week at most. My protein is coming from chicken, fish, and beans. Every weekday, I eat a giant salad with tons of fresh vegetables or I do a stir fry of vegetables with brown rice and add grilled chicken. It's usually the salad, though. I only use Newman's Own Family Italian dressing and use it sparingly. I roast vegetables after coating in olive oil and seasoning. I feel I'm not eating enough protein overall.
I have added long walks twice a week, but I am still not getting the kind of exercise I need. Working on that.
I've lost about 25 pounds in the last 6 months, and am now just barely at a normal BMI (from 28.2 down to 24.8). Yes, BMI is flawed, but I don't have an amount of muscle mass that would make it extremely off. I have not remeasured my waist-to-hip ratio; however, I have gone down several sizes in clothing based on decreased waist size.
My insulin resistance score and triglycerides are the best improvements, I think. Triglycerides went from 176 down to 99. In my first test, the insulin resistance score was off the chart at 65; it is now 43, which is just kind of in the middle of insulin sensitive versus insulin resistant.
I'm still very high with the LDL-P number. It should be under 1000. Previously, I had 2507, but it is now 1622. I understand that might be a test that is not very helpful in assessing my health. I'm an overachiever, though, so I want all these numbers in normal range.
In my original post, folks said I'd probably get put on a statin. I will discuss with my doctor. They are not super keen on statins, but back in November, they said they would prescribe something if I want them to. I believe they mentioned Repatha; it was something with an R. In November, I chose to avoid the med and see what I can do with changes in eating and slightly increased exercise alone. These are the results after five/six months.
Things I think I could do to improve: I started out eating oats a lot, but fell off. I could get back in that daily habit.
I did not stop drinking alcohol. I could cut back. I don't want to, though. 🤷‍♀️ I drink alcohol twice a week, and I do have about 4 drinks each time, which is not ideal and can be considered binge drinking. This may be my weakest spot. My understanding is that alcohol will affect triglycerides the most. Is that understanding accurate to your knowledge?
I still enjoy a delicious meal at a restaurant twice a week. I could cut back, but I truly enjoy dining like that. I choose a fish or chicken option now, instead of pasta, beef, or pork.
I could take a statin or other suitable med.
I could exercise more.
I have a bad heart-health history on my dad's side. Dad had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass in his 50s. His own father died of a heart attack at 42. I am in my mid 40s.
Any other changes you think could help? Am I doing a little better now? I could use some encouragement, because I thought I'd see more improvement. I do not plan on ever going back to my old way of eating, the new way makes my body feel nourished. But I am kind of wondering if this is as good as it'll get without a med.
I appreciate any suggestions, comments, or encouragement. I am feeling down about the level of improvement, so please try to be kind. I have fpund that this sub is usually kind, though. Thanks!

So over the past few days, my allergies have been flaring up worse than they have any year before this one. I had never really had allergies up until about 3 years ago, and since then they have been getting worse and worse with each passing year. My eyes have been super itchy, which has never been a problem, and the roof of my mouth has been a bit more itchy and annoying than usual. Because of this, I obviously started taking allergy pills to remedy it, specifically "Aller-Tec," or, as it is generically called, cetirizine. I haven't had the best sleep schedule as of late, mostly due to getting off of college for the summer, where 5–6 a.m. nights in the studio were pretty common, so getting up at noon has been pretty normal for me. Right when I wake up, I take one pill to help for most of the day, and it works just fine until around 9 or 10 p.m., when my allergies start to flare up again and I take another. It's around here that I should mention that I have felt like utter garbage the past few days. My mood has been all over the place. I am constantly tired, depressed, and really on edge. To the point where yesterday I yelled something at my mom, something I NEVER do. I am typically a pretty "happy-go-lucky" guy, and I love my mom. On top of this, when I get in bed at night, I have been having horrible chest pains and ciculatory issues that cause numbing and aching pains all over my body, making sleep incredibly difficult. 2 nights ago, the chest pains got so bad that I thought I was actually having a heart attack at 20 years old. Of course, I just assumed that my mood being all over the place was due to the fact that either I have been struggling to find summer work or that I'm away from school and my friends. Even just yesterday, I assumed that my chest pains were due to the fact I had been sitting on my ass playing Skyrim for over a week and not getting enough sunlight, so I went on a 2-hour bike ride to get some exercise in. These pieces all came together last night, when I was playing some games with friends over Discord. My allergies started flaring up again, to the point where I could barely see my monitor through the tears in my eyes. The roof of my mouth was on fire, and my nose was flooding with snot. I excused myself for a minute to go and get some more allergy pills. As I was about to take my second pill within 8 hours of the last, I decided I wanted to check the label to see if it was maybe okay to take MORE than what I was already taking. Of course, the label clearly stated, "DO NOT EXCEED MORE THAN ONE CAPSULE PER DAY." I was horrified because, not only have I been taking more than one, but in one instance, I had technically taken 3 within a 24 hour period. I immediately ran upstairs to check my computer, and lo and behold, the top results for cetirizine overdose symptoms are as follows:
Symptoms of Overdose

• Changes in mood, irrational behavior, depersonalization hallucinations
  
• convulsions (seizures)
  
• extreme sleepiness or unusual drowsiness
  
• fast, slow, pounding, or irregular heartbeat or pulse
  
• feeling anxious
  
• irritability
  
• muscle weakness or tenderness
  
• restlessness
  
• sleeplessness or trouble in sleeping
  
• abdominal and/or chest pain
  

I had been actively overdosing on allergy pills the past few days. Part of this shock was actually relief funnily enough because me feeling like shit the past few days, and treating other people like shit, was not really a problem with me, but actually the obsene amounts of stimulants in my system. I can happily report that last night I fell asleep just fine with no chest pain and woke up today feeling a whole lot better. My parents were horrified when I told them, my brother (rightfully so) called me a "fucking idiot." And before anyone in the comments says anything, I have already called my doctor for prescription strength allergy medications. The moral of the story is, obviously, please read the labels on medication bottles.
EDIT: Edit because I feel like I need to clarify a few things. Firstly, what I was taking was 10mg prescription strength cetirizine. Second, I know this doesn't seem like a high amount but I have sensitivities to a lot of things including alcohol, and have had problems with other medications in the past. Lastly, some comments pointed out that some of these concerns may be related to stress or anxiety. While yes I have struggled with these things before, it has not been a problem for a while, and all of these side effects stopped after not taking them anymore.
TL;DR: I have been feeling like garbage the past few days with no clue as to why, turns out I have been overdosing on allergy medication.

Nephew is 8 and behind in reading and writing, and I believe he has CAS. He has speech therapy 3x a week at school. School SLP is 65 years old. We have asked her for guidance on additional therapy, and she has always been hesitant. She hasn’t shared things to do at home to help with speech issue — just sounds and reading worksheets. She said she thinks he has “weak” muscles. She even said he could be tested by a neurologist for motor issues?? I emailed her asking for guidance on next steps on testing and also on home activities. Also stressed what I’ve been learning about the importance of specialized therapy. This is the response. I don’t know how feel about this. What are everyone’s thoughts? For context, we are struggling finding providers as nephew lives in super rural area. What do we ask for, specifically?

Hello!
Just wanted to post some highlights and stats from the recent conference regarding GLP-1 meds etc. This is general information - most supported by current clinical trials. I cannot verify any of the information as I am not the author. I went to a conference and found a lot of interesting stats so I jotted them down: These include Q & A pages for Dr's to give out to potential patients of zepbound etc. answering potential questions.
Note: Some of these are based on different versions of the meds because it wasn't a conference focused soley on Zepbound. But it gives overall information.
· Usually cause muscle loss with all current meds.
· Eli Lilly and Novo are both trying to figure out oral versions of the medications.
· There is currently a class action lawsuit by roughly 60 ppl regarding GI complications as a result of the medications. (Philadelphia)
Continued weight loss post 12 months – (Ozempic)
18% Weight Regain
26% Some regain
20% Maintained loss
17% Additional Loss
12% Doubled Loss
Zepbound D/C Weight regain study:
473 women, 197 men. Mean age 48 years. Over 70 medical centers in 4 countries
335 received Zepbound, 335 Placebo - Primary outcome is that the mean percent change in weight from weeks 36 to 88.
At week 36 weight reduction was 20.9%
Findings:
At 88 weeks Zepbound loss – 89.5% of participants with Zebound at 88 weeks maintained at least 80% of the weight loss compared with 16.6% placebo.
(This does not include continued weight loss over time after D/C, only at a 88 week marker)
FDA Warnings and Precautions – Zepbound:
· Severe Gastrointestinal Disease
· Acute Kidney Injury
· Acute Gallbladder Disease
· Acute Pancreatitis
· Hypersensitivity Reactions
· Hypoglycemia
· Diabetic Retinopathy Complications in Patients with Type 2 Diabetes
· Suicidal Behavior and ideation
o Serious adverse effects were reported by 5.3-7% of patients taking Zepbound. As opposed to 2.8% in Wegovy group.
General Q&A Answers:
Are Ozempic, Wegovy, Mounjaro, and Saxenda (furthermore “GLP‐1/GIP RA”) controlled substances?

๏ No ๏
Can GLP‐1/GIP RA be obtained without prescription?

๏ No ๏ Is there a generic version of GLP‐1/GIP RA?

๏ No, and not expected until 2031 at the earliest ๏

Is Berberin the same as Ozempic or other GLP‐1/GIP RA?

๏ No, the mechanism of action and biochemical properties are different

๏ Are there patient assistance programs for GLP‐1/GIP RA?

๏ Yes ๏ https://www.novocare.com/psp/PAP.html for Ozempic, Rybelsus and Victoza ๏ https://www.mounjaro.com/savings-resources for Mounjaro ๏

Can I drink alcohol while on Mounjaro (and other GLP‐1/GIP RA)? ๏

You should avoid combining Mounjaro (tirzepatide) and alcohol if you can. Alcohol can potentially worsen Mounjaro’s digestive side effects, such as nausea and vomiting. In rare cases it may aggravate or cause hypoglycemia. ๏

Can GLP‐1/GIP RA reduce my desire to drink and other addictive behaviors? ๏

Research is ongoing. Preliminary results suggest that there may be a desirable effect.

๏ Are compounding pharmacies breaking the law by selling compunded GLP‐1 medications?

๏ No, as there is a current shortage of these drugs. The FDA allows to compound equivalent medications in cases of storage.(* Not legal advice, see a professional if legal opinion is needed).

๏ How long will Ozempic take to work? (similar but specific information is available for other GLP‐1/GIP RA) ๏

When you first start Ozempic, you’ll inject a low dose for the first 4 weeks to help your body get used to the medication. This dose isn’t meant to have a significant effect on your blood glucose (sugar) levels. But some people may start to see some improvements during this time. ๏ It takes about 4 to 5 weeks to reach a steady level of Ozempic in your system. Full effects may not be seen until at least 8 weeks of treatment. If after 2-3 months your A1C isn’t at the target, your provider may increase the dose

What can I expect after I stop taking GLP‐1/GIP RA ? ๏

Most people will regain some or all weight they lost. However, cardiovascular benefits are more durable. ๏

Should I stop Ozempic and other long‐acting GLP‐1/GIP RA before surgery? ๏

Specifically for Ozempic the recommendation is to stop at least 1 week prior to a planned surgery.

๏ How long should I wait after the last dose if I am trying to conceive?

๏ If you want to become pregnant, you may need to stop taking Ozempic at least 2 months before trying to conceive so it is fully excreted. ๏

Can I flush Ozempic or other long‐acting GLP‐1/GIP RA from my body?

๏ No. And if side-effects are affecting you, you cannot remove these medications by “detox”, laxatives or hydration. ๏

Do GLP‐1/GIP RA cause termination of pregnancy or birth defects? ๏

These drugs have NOT been studied extensively during pregnancy in humans, so the potential risks aren’t fully known. But animal studies have shown a higher risk of pregnancy loss and birth defects with some of the GLP-1 drugs. ๏

Do GLP‐1/GIP RA cause depression and/or psychosis? ๏

While prescrbing information for some of these drugs mentions such side effects, they are rare and causal connection has not been established. Warnings about suicidal ideation are included in prescribing information for Saxenda and Wegovy. ๏


Can GLP‐1/GIP RA interfere with oral contrceptives? ๏

Prescribing information for Mounjaro warns that it may reduce the efficacy of oral hormonal contraceptives. Advise patients using oral hormonal contraceptives to switch to a non-oral contraceptive method, or add a barrier method of contraception for 4 weeks after initiation and for 4 weeks after each dose escalation with MOUNJARO. No such warning is provided for Ozempic/Wegovy and Saxenda ๏

Where can I find prescribing information for weight loss GLP‐1/GIP RA? ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2023/215256s007lbl.pdf = Wegovy ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2014/206321orig1s000lbl.pdf = Saxenda ๏ https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda\_docs/label/2022/215866s000lbl.pdf = Mounjaro
Comparison of Clinical Trials:
Zepbound 15mg at 72 weeks
Body weight change overall - -20.9
Ø 5% weight loss – 90.5
Ø 10% weight loss – 83.5
Ø 15% weight loss – 70.6
Ø 20% weight loss – 56.7
Semaglutide 2.4mg at 104 weeks
Body weight change overall – 15.2
5% weight loss – 77.22
10% weight loss – 61.8
15% weight loss – 52.1
Zepbound
Can cause delayed absorption of orally administered medications.
Acetaminophen – Take at least 1 hour before injection
Contraception – take at least 1 hours before injection - findings are possibly indicating a contradiction between Ozempic and contraception - possibly causing 'Ozempic babies' - still under investigation. Unsure if there are clinical studies yet.
Weight Loss Slows Brain Aging = 1% body weight loss was equal to gaining back 8.9 months’ attenuation of brain age.
Attenuation of brain age was significantly associated with improved liver biomarkers, decreased liver fat, and a visceral and deep subcutaneous adipose tissues after 18 months of intervention.

DAY: MAY 14, 2024

• 5-14-2024CAN EATING OR DRINKING CAFFEINE BEFORE BED IMPACT YOUR HEALTH? Having a lot of food in your stomach before bed can redirect blood flow to your gut to digest the food, meaning there is less blood flow going to your brain. You need that blood flow to your brain to make sure you go into the different sleep stages. If you have caffeine in your system or are sensitive to it, the time to fall asleep can double. Caffeine has a half-life of up to 4.5 hours, so a safe bet is to avoid caffeine after noon.
• 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS DETECT HIDDEN INGREDIENTS AND QUESTIONABLE CLAIMS IN SUPPLEMENTS some supplement companies may mislead customers with unproven health claims and undeclared ingredients. The researchers focused on supplements that have been associated with the purported treatment or prevention of COVID-19 and other respiratory illnesses. During the pandemic, the use of dietary supplements skyrocketed throughout the world. “There was a big spike in purchase and use of these types
• 5-14-2024TEXT MESSAGES WITH FINANCIAL INCENTIVES CAN HELP MEN WHO ARE LIVING WITH OBESITY LOSE WEIGHT, UK STUDY FINDS text messages with financial incentives can help men who are living with obesity lose weight and could be a valuable alternative to traditional weight management programs. Men who were offered cash for hitting weight loss targets lost more weight than those not given a financial incentive,
• 5-14-2024EXERCISE BENEFITS THE BRAIN, BUT IMPROVING ITS BLOOD VESSELS MAY TAKE LONGER People with less consistent brain blood flow patterns may be at greater risk of dementia and cerebrovascular disease. To explore whether regular aerobic exercise can help, researchers at Iowa State University have conducted a pilot study, the results of which were recently published in the Journal of Applied Physiology. “The big take-away is that exercise is good for the arteries and brain, but its effects are complex and takes time to accumulate benefits
• 5-14-2024SOCIAL ONLINE TRAINING CAN HELP AGAINST LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION a ten-week, partner-based mental online training program boosted resilience, empathy and compassion, and deepened social connections. At the same time, these short daily, app-based practices done with another person, so-called Dyads, decreased loneliness, depression, anxiety and a negative outlook
• 5-14-2024TECH ALONE CAN’T REPLACE HUMAN COACHES IN OBESITY TREATMENT, STUDY FINDS technology alone can’t replace the human touch to produce meaningful weight loss in obesity treatment. The study, titled “An Adaptive Behavioral Intervention for Weight Loss Management: A Noninferiority Randomized Clinical Trial,” . “Giving people technology alone for the initial phase of obesity treatment produces unacceptably worse weight loss than giving them treatment that combines technology with a human coach
• 5-14-2024ULTRASOUND CAN HELP PATIENTS WITH A TYPE OF RHEUMATIC DISEASE LEAD LONGER AND HEALTHIER LIVES ultrasound can help patients with a type of rheumatic disease to live longer and healthier lives. These patients have so far had an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, which contributes to premature death. Patients with a type of rheumatic disease called radiographic axial spondyloarthritis, a disease that causes changes in the bones in the pelvis and spine, have poorer health quality of life than control subjects.
• 5-14-2024SCIENTISTS FIND REPEATED, SMALL HITS TO HEAD IN FOOTBALL PLAYERS CAN DAMAGE BLOOD VESSELS IN THE BRAIN The work involved specialized helmets that were used to monitor head impacts in 60 university football players. Credit: Dalhousie University Repeated blows to the heads of football players can damage the small blood vessels of the brain, according to research by Dalhousie University scientists from the Brain Repair Center who believe this damage may contribute to brain dysfunction in some athletes years after play has ended. The neuroscientists found that the brain’s blood vessels can get damaged by a succession of small hits
• 5-14-2024‘MICROPREEMIE’ BABY WHO WEIGHED JUST OVER 1 POUND AT BIRTH GOES HOME FROM ILLINOIS HOSPITAL Nyla was born at just 22 weeks weighing 1 pound and 1 ounce, making her what’s known as a “micropreemie.” She left Silver Cross Hospital on Monday weighing a healthy 10 pounds, and was taken home by her first-time parents
• 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS INVESTIGATE IF PHARMACOLOGICAL TREATMENT OF ADHD REDUCES CRIMINALITY pharmacological treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) reduced violence- and public-order related crimes. However, it did not reduce other types of crimes, among patients with ADHD in early to late adolescence considered to be in the gray zone (or on the margin) for such treatment.
• 5-14-2024A NEW DRUG SHOWS POTENTIAL BENEFITS IN THE RECOVERY OF PATIENTS AFTER A HEART ATTACK beneficial effects of the novel drug Sacubitril/Valsartan in the management of myocardial infarction (MI). The research offers new insights into the drug’s ability to reduce inflammation, cardiac fibrosis, and prevent dangerous heart arrhythmias post-MI. Cardiovascular diseases, especially MI,
• 5-14-2024STUDY EXPLORES ROLE OF EPIGENETICS, ENVIRONMENT IN DIFFERING ALZHEIMER’S RISK BETWEEN BLACK AND WHITE COMMUNITIES environmentally caused alterations to specific areas of the genome—known as imprint control regions—during early development may contribute to the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, and that Black people may be more affected than white people. The work adds to our understanding of the ways in which environmental factors can contribute to genetic alterations and disease susceptibility.
• 5-14-2024NEW AI TOOL IMPROVES RISK ASSESSMENT FOR HEART FAILURE CARE researchers have developed a powerful new risk assessment tool for predicting outcomes in heart failure patients. The researchers have made the tool publicly available for free to clinicians. The new tool improves on existing risk assessment tools for heart failure by harnessing the power of machine learning (ML) and artificial intelligence (AI) to determine patient-specific risks of developing unfavorable outcomes with heart failure.
• 5-14-2024FAR FROM TOXIC, LACTATE RIVALS GLUCOSE AS BODY’S MAJOR FUEL AFTER A CARBOHYDRATE MEAL A volunteer is monitored after being given a large dose of glucose to determine how well people switch from fat to carbohydrate metabolism as they age. In the tests at UC Berkeley, subjects had their blood monitored for labeled lactate and glucose, underwent periodic blood sampling, and had their breath monitored for oxygen and carbon dioxide.
• 5-14-2024STUDY EXPLORES WHAT MOTIVATES PRESCHOOLERS TO PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE Adults find it particularly easy to prepare for the future when they imagine how they will feel. Researchers at Ruhr University Bochum, Germany, have investigated whether this is also the case with preschoolers. The researchers conducted the study at the intersection of philosophy and psychology. They described their findings in the journal Emotion. Rehearsing for a school play, getting a present for a friend’s birthday and packing a book for a long car journey:
• 5-14-2024NEWLY IDENTIFIED PET BIOMARKER PREDICTS SUCCESS OF IMMUNE CHECKPOINT BLOCKADE THERAPY The protein galectin-1 (Gal-1) has been identified as a new PET imaging biomarker for immune checkpoint blockade (ICB) therapy, allowing physicians to predict the tumor responses before beginning treatment. Information garnered from Gal-1 PET imaging could also be used to facilitate patient stratification and optimize immunotherapy, enabling targeted interventions and improving patient outcomes. This research was published in the May issue of The Journal of Nuclear Medicine. Immunotherapies, such as ICB
• 5-14-2024RESEARCH LINKS SLEEP APNEA SEVERITY DURING REM STAGE TO VERBAL MEMORY DECLINE
• 5-14-2024SEVERE OBESITY IN CHILDHOOD CAN HALVE LIFE EXPECTANCY, GLOBAL MODELING STUDY FINDS
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• 5-14-2024CONGENITAL ANOMALIES FOUND TO BE TEN TIMES MORE FREQUENT IN CHILDREN WITH NEURODEVELOPMENTAL DISORDERS
• 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS REVEAL HOW LIPOPOLYSACCHARIDE BINDING PROTEIN RESISTS HEPATIC OXIDATIVE STRESS
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• 5-14-2024SAN FRANCISCO SET TO BAN ‘FOREVER CHEMICALS’ IN FIREFIGHTER GEAR
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• 5-14-2024KIDS LIVING NEAR COLORADO AIRPORTS HAVE SLIGHTLY ELEVATED LEVELS OF LEAD IN THEIR BLOOD, NEW STUDY FINDS
• 5-14-2024STUDY SHOWS VIRUS THAT CAUSES COVID-19 CAN PENETRATE BLOOD-RETINAL-BARRIER AND COULD DAMAGE VISION
• 5-14-2024HOW BIG FOOD COMPANIES CAN DO MORE TO CREATE HEALTHIER FOOD ENVIRONMENTS
• 5-14-2024PROMISING NEW STUDY COULD LEAD TO A REDUCTION IN SYMPTOMS OF AMYOTROPHIC LATERAL SCLEROSIS
• 5-14-2024PELVIC HEALTH PROBLEMS ARE A COMMON EXPERIENCE FOR WOMEN—WHY MANY DON’T GET THE HELP THEY NEED
• 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH PRESENTS ‘MINI-BRAINS’ THAT COULD ADVANCE ALZHEIMER’S TREATMENT
• 5-14-2024STUDY SHOWS HOW EXCESSIVE DRINKING AFFECTS OTHERS
• 5-14-2024NEW TRANSIT STATION IN JAPAN SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCES CUMULATIVE HEALTH EXPENDITURES
• 5-14-2024BINGE DRINKING IS A GROWING PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS—HOW RESEARCH ON ALCOHOL USE DISORDER HAS SHIFTED
• 5-14-2024WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM INTERVIEWING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WHO HARM THEMSELVES
• 5-14-2024STUDY REVEALS RACIAL DISPARITIES IN DIAGNOSIS AND DRUG USE FOR DEMENTIA SYMPTOMS
• 5-14-2024PEOPLE WITHOUT AN INNER VOICE HAVE POORER VERBAL MEMORY, FINDS STUDY
• 5-14-2024CONCUSSION EXPERTS WARN TERM USED TO DESCRIBE HEAD IMPACTS—’SUBCONCUSSION’—IS MISLEADING AND DANGEROUS
• 5-14-2024STUDY UNCOVERS PROTEIN INTERACTIONS AS A POTENTIAL PATH FOR ALS CURE
• 5-14-2024HOW BITTER FOOD CONSTITUENTS INFLUENCE GASTRIC ACID PRODUCTION
• 5-14-2024ADIPOSITY IN CHILDHOOD AFFECTS THE RISK OF BREAST CANCER BY CHANGING BREAST TISSUE COMPOSITION, STUDY SUGGESTS
• 5-14-2024COLD PLUNGING MIGHT HELP HEART HEALTH, RESEARCH SUGGESTS
• 5-14-2024STUDY EXPLORES POTENTIAL TARGET TO TREAT LIVER DISEASE
• 5-14-2024THROUGH TRADITION AND TRADE, TRIBE IN RURAL KANSAS WORKS TO RECLAIM ITS FOOD SOVEREIGNTY
• 5-14-2024UK SAYS PROPOSED PANDEMIC TREATY ‘NOT ACCEPTABLE’
• 5-14-2024BODY-WIDE MOLECULAR MAP EXPLAINS WHY EXERCISE IS SO GOOD FOR YOU
• 5-14-2024FIRST STUDY TO GLOBALLY MAP HEAT-WAVE-RELATED MORTALITY FINDS 153,000+ DEATHS ASSOCIATED WITH HEAT WAVES
• 5-14-2024EARLY DIAGNOSIS, TREATMENT OF PERIPHERAL ARTERY DISEASE ESSENTIAL TO IMPROVE OUTCOMES, REDUCE AMPUTATION RISK
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• 5-14-2024A MINIMAL COGNITIVE ARCHITECTURE REPRODUCES CONTROL OF HUMAN DECISION-MAKING PROCESSES
• 5-14-2024SCIENTISTS DEMYSTIFY WHY SUBSEQUENT BOUTS OF DENGUE ARE WORSE THAN A FIRST-TIME INFECTION
• 5-14-2024BRAIN–COMPUTER INTERFACE EXPERIMENTS FIRST TO DECODE WORDS ‘SPOKEN’ ENTIRELY IN THE BRAIN IN REAL TIME
• 5-14-2024MACHINE LEARNING SHEDS LIGHT ON GENE TRANSCRIPTION
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• 5-14-2024SURVEY FINDS 8,000 WOMEN A MONTH GOT ABORTION PILLS DESPITE THEIR STATES’ BANS OR RESTRICTIONS
• 5-14-2024SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SURPRISING DETAILS ABOUT XYLAZINE IN COMBINATION WITH FENTANYL
• 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH CHALLENGES WIDESPREAD BELIEFS ABOUT WHY WE’RE ATTRACTED TO CERTAIN VOICES
• 5-14-2024ADDING CARDIOVASCULAR BIOMARKERS TO ESTABLISHED RISK FACTORS INCREASES RISK PREDICTION
• 5-14-2024DREAMING IS LINKED TO IMPROVED MEMORY CONSOLIDATION AND EMOTION REGULATION
• 5-14-2024STUDY IDENTIFIES GENETIC LINK BETWEEN INFLAMMATORY BOWEL DISEASE AND PARKINSON’S DISEASE
• 5-14-2024PHYSICIANS WITH DISABILITIES MAY EXPERIENCE DEPERSONALIZATION
• 5-14-2024ANALYSIS SUGGESTS PEOPLE WITH MORE COPIES OF RIBOSOMAL DNA HAVE HIGHER RISKS OF DEVELOPING DISEASE
• 5-14-2024STUDY IDENTIFIES FACTORS ASSOCIATED WITH HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE RETINOPATHY
• 5-14-2024STUDY REVEALS MIXED PUBLIC OPINION ON POLYGENIC EMBRYO SCREENING FOR IVF
• 5-14-2024‘MUSIC MAP’ REVEALS SOME BRAIN CELLS AGE FASTER AND ARE MORE PREVALENT IN ALZHEIMER’S
• 5-14-2024STUDY FINDS SOME CHILDREN WERE PRESCRIBED NONRECOMMENDED MEDS FOR COVID-19
• 5-14-2024COULD BEING ONLINE ACTUALLY BE GOOD FOR YOU? NEW STUDY REVEALS A SURPRISING FINDING
• 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH IDENTIFIES A LARGER POOL OF GENES INVOLVED IN AGE-RELATED BLOOD CELL MUTATIONS THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
• 5-14-2024NEW DRUG MAKES EXERCISE, EVERYDAY TASKS EASIER FOR PEOPLE WITH COMMON HEART CONDITION
• 5-14-2024BREAST CANCER RISK VARIANTS IDENTIFIED FOR WOMEN OF AFRICAN ANCESTRY
• 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH SHEDS LIGHT ON WHY COLLEGE STUDENTS IN MEXICO CHOOSE TO VAPE
• 5-14-2024NEW STUDY SHOWS RECOVERY POTENTIAL IN PATIENTS WITH TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY
• 5-14-2024AI AIDS ANALYSIS OF LIFETIME ENVIRONMENTAL EXPOSURES
• 5-14-2024NEW RESEARCH REVEALS URGENT NEED FOR INTEGRATED CARE IN PEDIATRIC EPILEPSY
• 5-14-2024HERPES CURE WITH GENE EDITING MAKES PROGRESS IN LABORATORY STUDIES
• 5-14-2024PATIENTS WITH NEUROLOGICAL DISEASE ARE LIKELIER TO DIE AFTER COVID, FINDS STUDY
• 5-14-2024RESEARCHERS PARTNER WITH CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL ON NEW HEART SURGERY PLANNING TOOL
• 5-14-2024AXONS IN FEMALE MAMMAL BRAINS MAY BE MORE PRONE TO CONCUSSIONS
• 5-14-2024STUDY SUPPORTS LOWER BMI THRESHOLD FOR OBESITY IN THOSE OVER AGE 40
• 5-14-2024FDA DISCUSSING BAN OF FORMALDEHYDE IN HAIR STRAIGHTENERS
• 5-14-2024NEW TOOL ALLOWS FOR GENE SUPPRESSION IN MOUSE HEART MUSCLE CELLS USING CRISPRI
• 5-14-2024NEW GENE THERAPY MODEL OFFERS HOPE FOR X-LINKED SIDEROBLASTIC ANEMIA TREATMENT
• 5-14-2024GIVING LESSONS TO YOUR TEENAGE SELF COULD BOOST YOUR WELL-BEING, SAY RESEARCHERS
• 5-14-2024STUDY FINDS AGE-ASSOCIATED GENE EXPRESSION CHANGES IN MOUSE SWEAT GLANDS
• 5-14-2024INJECTABLE HIV MEDICATION IS SUPERIOR TO ORAL MEDICATION FOR PATIENTS WHO FREQUENTLY MISS DOSES, STUDY FINDS
• 5-14-2024NEW CRYOPRESERVATION PROCEDURE ESTABLISHED TO PRESERVE FERTILITY BEFORE CANCER TREATMENT
• 5-14-2024BRUXISM IS A RECURRING CONDITION AMONG PEOPLE WITH POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, FINDS STUDY

Previous
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So, if you’re just joining us, I work at a haunted zoo now. Since I’ve gotten some rest, it feels like I’ve got my head on straight, at least, so I’d like to continue where I left off.
I sat on the floor in the office after meeting the ghost until I’d settled my rattled mind (and realized I’d forgotten to ask her name, how rude is that?). I took a deep breath and got up off the floor. Walking over and falling into the rolling chair in front of the large screen of camera views, when I brought up the camera that covered the area in which I’d spotted her, she was still there, and it seemed she hadn’t moved an inch.
Sitting there, at a loss, I continued to watch her. The ghost hung around for another five minutes or so, appearing to look at a few things off-screen, though I’m not sure what. Then she walked off into the forest and left the view of the cameras. I wasn’t sure if she vanished into the ether or if she’d gone looking into the trees to look for something.
But that wasn’t the end of the job interview, so let me jump back there. It continued into what kind of animals the zoo had, with Andrew asking me how much experience I had with dangerous animals.
I took a moment to consider the question. “So, ah…I’ve been going hunting and fishing with a neighbor since I was sixteen,” I told him. “We always have to keep an eye out for gators, bears, and hogs. Then there’s snakes, of course…snapping turtles… Since I’ve lived here my whole life and been aiming for a job with wildlife for a long time, I know a lot about the animals in Arkansas in general. But good advice for all of the above is avoid them, so I’ve had encounters, but I don’t know if you’d say I have experience with them.”
“That’s fine,” Andrew said, nodding. “That’s an answer I’m satisfied with. Now, the ghost was the appetizer, Ripley; here’s the main course. To start with, the pay isn’t twenty-five an hour. It’s fifty.”
Staring in shock for a moment, I asked, “Are you serious?”
“Yeah. But that’d be weird to post online considering what applicants think we need, so I halved it.”
“That’s… Okay, why?”
“The animals are already here. You just can’t see them.”
I stared at him for a long moment, some disbelief worming its way into my expression, before saying, “Sorry, what?”
“There’s a chance you’d naturally never see them, or at least some of them,” he continued casually. “It depends on both your genetics and how long you stay on the job. I can naturally see six of them, but that’s it. Suzanne can see all of them, and more. Some are what people would label demons or ghosts. Or magic. Mostly you’d call them cryptids. The ghost was just a warm-up; I mentioned her first because it never takes more than a week to see her if you work the night shift. If you manage to handle her okay, soon you’ll be able to see the animals too. The more time you spend on the grounds, for weird reasons,” he said, wiggling his fingers in the direction of the back door, “the more you’ll be able to see.”
“So, this…this is a zoo for cryptids,” I echoed slowly. He nodded once, waiting to find out what kind of reaction I would have. I gestured vaguely around the room. “If this is a hidden camera show, will you cut me a check for showing up and participating?”
Andrew coughed out a chuckle and shook his head. “No joke. There are a ton of stories out there that have been written to death, pulverized until they’re not the Grimm stories of old and instead they’re Disney films. A lot of those stories come from what some humans have seen. There are dozens of other worlds pressed up against ours, and occasionally things come through by accident. If they’re smart, they’ll lay low and then make their way back when they can. If not, they become local folklore until someone helps them back. I’m just from London, but Suzanne is from somewhere else. She hires people like us for this zoo. Humans.”
Sighing, I shook my head. “That makes no sense. Why would she hire a muggle for a magic zoo?”
Andrew burst out laughing at that, and then waited to gather himself before he continued. “Fair point, but this is less about magic and more about animals, and you’re missing some information that will explain it. First of all, if I misjudge an employee, and they think they can make bank by outing the endangered and valuable animals we have, it’s easy to relocate the zoo.”
“Because magic?” I asked.
“Exactly,” he replied, ignoring the thread of skepticism in my tone. “That means it isn’t the end of the world if that happened, though it is a pain in the arse. But second…let me ask you a question. Speaking of reality shows, say the Discovery Channel put out a call to replace Steve Irwin when he passed. Imagine they had a line out the door,” he said with a gesture, “of people who thought they had the skill and natural talent to replace him, to take on everything he’d been doing his whole life. How many do you reckon would lose an arm, a leg, or their life, by the end of the day?”
My lips parted in surprise and I narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re saying people from…wherever…they’re just as dumb as humans, but they’re worse, because they actually think they can handle these things.”
Andrew pointed the pen at me. “Things. Exactly. You called them things. Suzanne and her friends grew up with them and would call them animals. These animals have dispositions and temperaments that we’ve studied for as long as there have been scientists. Where Suzanne’s from, they know the weaknesses of these animals, and also they’re in enclosures here, even if you and I can’t see the walls because they’re invisible things called ‘wards’. If I hire someone who’s got magic on top of all that, they’ll have almost no instinctive fear.
“Everything here is nocturnal, and every one of them is a hunter. Some of these things? Humans see them and they pass out. Not that I want you passing out, but I need someone who is scared of these things, who knows to stay out of the enclosures no matter what. Not someone who thinks they can train them to do tricks, who gets close enough for them to grab a mouthful of hair and drown them. Once, we had a night shift manager injured, and once killed, because they didn’t take these animals seriously enough.”
Thinking back to the Sea World orca incident I knew he’d been referencing, I remembered wondering how someone at that level of her profession could be so careless as I watched the video on YouTube. It made sense when he explained it like that. I hesitated before mentally throwing my hands up and going all in. “So, why put this place here, then? If they’re endangered and also dangerous, why have a zoo at all instead of just a small reserve?”
He pursed his lips, looking disappointed in me. “Ripley. You know that already. You already said as much.”
Thinking back through our conversation, I said, “The rich humans who pay top dollar to see supernatural animals.”
“Not humans,” he told me. “But people, yes, and they are rich, and they’re making donations and spending their money on a ticket here because everything we have is endangered.”
“So…”
I just let my voice trail off and my mind started to drift. Andrew remained silent, letting me do so. There’s that thing people say, ‘I believe that you believe it,’ which is just a kinder way of saying, ‘Bullshit.’ Parents say it about closet monsters. Psychologists say it to people who say they’ve been abducted and probed by aliens. I wanted to say it to Andrew.
But I also wanted a job. If it meant working overnight at an empty zoo, that was fine. When it came down to it, especially when I took the tone of our conversation into account, this was a zoo specifically focused on preserving endangered ‘animals’, and it was allegedly doing important work. Also, if this turned out to be the real deal and I started seeing the animals, I would deal with it, just like I would deal with an enclosure that had a lion or tiger or gorilla. If it came with a ghost and invisible creatures, I really didn’t see what the difference was, if I couldn’t go in the enclosures either way.
On that note, I’d like you to imagine a kid who looks at a roller coaster, watching everyone screaming and grinning as they go up and down and all around and they’re like, ‘Heck, I could do that! That looks like a blast!’
Then they get on, the first drop hits, and they realize they’ve made a terrible mistake.
“All right,” I sighed. “I can’t say I’m going to turn down a job just because it’s going to be scary. Especially not one with this paycheck.”
Andrew smiled. “Awesome. There’s an adjustment process for anyone working here, similar to a dog that gets adopted, actually. I know the general guidelines of, ‘three days, three weeks, three months’ in terms of milestones, until they finally feel they’re where they’re supposed to be,” he told me, “and you can think of your time here along those lines. I really think you’re a great fit, and once you reach the milestone of working here for three months, I’ll officially consider you our new night shift guard. And I hope you’ll stay with us for many years.”
I nodded and smiled at the flattery of an employer wanting me to work a great job for them for a long time. I’d never had a dog, but those milestones were well-known among anyone who knew animals, especially dogs. The first three days, the dog is getting to know its new digs, exploring, and decompressing. At three weeks, they’ve gotten used to their environment and are starting to get comfortable with their surroundings and the routines of the humans they live with. By three months, they know the rules and follow them, they trust you, and they feel they are where they’re meant to be. I could only hope to be so lucky.
I saw the ghost two days ago and she has yet to make another appearance (for those who are curious, I asked, and her name is Leila), and I still hadn’t seen any animals. I did hear one, though, I feel compelled to note. A growling roar sounded from the lake on occasion, echoing across the vast zoo, sending a shiver down my spine. Whatever that animal was, it sounded gigantic.
Andrew said there was apparently a group that wanted to visit for a birthday and they were offering a huge donation, so he let me know they were making an exception and that this group would be walking through the park that night. That meant I’d be watching people watching animals that, as far as I could tell, weren’t there.
It was anticlimactic. Even the three people who came for the tour just looked like people, not like aliens or something eldritch from another dimension, and I stayed in the security office the whole time. Andrew was the one giving the tour. I watched them spend about five minutes at each enclosure, the hour or so that they were there passing without incident. It was clear that they were able to see all the animals, though, since they motioned excitedly at each enclosure and spoke to Andrew, who presumably answered any questions they had.
If they could see the animals, that was that. There was still that niggle in the back of my head, from my twenty-three years of life never encountering anything like ghosts or cryptids, telling me that this was ridiculous. Waiting for someone to knock on the door, a camera mounted on their shoulder, to tell me that it was a big joke and they wanted to see how long I’d play along. But from all I saw, this was a real place with real, invisible animals.
I do carry a taser and pepper spray in my capacity as a security guard. Though it isn’t for the animals, since they’re in the enclosures; they’re actually for the rare instance of a break-in. Andrew mentioned that it had happened several times it the past, someone trying to steal an animal in the hopes of selling it on the black market. They’d been successful before, but apparently my predecessor Roger was good at his job, and mostly they left in handcuffs.
I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge fan of confrontation, but my job was to call Andrew and then confront the person, not kick their ass. That’s what the police were for, or rather, the people Andrew would call in lieu of police in certain situations.
Fifty bucks an hour. That’s the key here.
Andrew hadn’t set up direct deposit, since he was sticking with a strategy of waiting to see if I’d continue to work there once I found out myself dealing with the animals (I’ve decided I am going to just call them animals). Instead, I got an old-fashioned check after my shift every Friday. The number on the first check was delightful. I went out that evening and had a big dinner at the local diner, order my most expensive favorites on the menu and a big slice of pie for dessert.
When it came to the paychecks in general, though, I had this weird feeling of not wanting to tell my dad and brother about the fact that it was actually $50/hr. I previously mentioned that my dad, his name’s Nathan if you’re curious, works at a local grocery store. Our town has a couple food franchises, but I think its size is just short of whatever threshold Walmart uses to decide where to open. He earns $14/hr. and that’s after the tiny raises he’s gotten over the past thirteen years.
That’s not to say he’d feel bad about not making as much as me. On the contrary, he would be ecstatic for me and really proud. But, like me, he’d be suspicious. That hourly rate was the biggest hint that this was more than just a private zoo for cryptids. And as soon as that fat check cleared without problems, my dad wouldn’t be satisfied with reassurances; he’d want to come visit the zoo and look around.
I’d told him it’s a private preservation with scheduled (expensive) visits only and that it had only eleven animals, so he’d been appeased by me brushing off the idea of a visit. Also, I took a few photos of my workplace; one of the security room, one of me sitting in my chair, one photo of the many screens I watched, and a selfie where I was feigning sleep out of boredom, slouched in my chair with my mouth open in a faux snore. That let him feel like he knew where I was and what I was doing, and that I was safe.
But if I told him I was making double what he thought, my father would practically order me to quit. No job was worth my safety, he’d tell me. I was quite of the opposite opinion, however, considering how crucial any and all conservation efforts were these days. Especially with the steep extinction levels due to humans competing with other animals for space, not to mention climate change. Working in any job that helped preserve species and keep ecosystems in balance, or put them back in balance, was so important.
Then again, my father would also point out something I had realized right away: the fact was that I was working with endangered species that were not from Earth. I wasn’t helping my planet. To be honest, though…that didn’t matter to me. Especially after that talk with Andrew about why he hired a human for this job, I figured whichever dimension these animals came from had the equivalent of us, razing forests to the ground, clouding the planet with pollution, and leaving the animals with no avenue of recourse when yet more land was taken from them.
I really do hope to keep working here for a long time, though, and not just because of the money. I can’t help it; I want to know what these things were, and I want to work with them, to do the job of a zookeeper. The same way you go up to the chain-link fence to get close to a carnivore on the other side who thinks you’d make a nice afternoon snack. You just want to be closer to them, to experience that incredible, daunting feeling of being in their presence.
Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t long before I got what I wanted.
The day after we had the tour go through, I was doing my sweep when I saw the ghost again. She was sitting on a small boulder in the same area I’d seen her the first time, looking identical, blood covering the front of her slashed shirt, the wounds visible underneath. I stopped and stood there for a moment before I decided to raise my hand in a small wave.
The young woman cocked her head at me and raised a hand in the air in an imitation of my gesture, her expression showing a bit of curiosity.
She was low-key, seemingly not concerned with my presence, looking at me as a novel phenomenon in her world. I wondered what that world consisted of. Was she always here, sometimes visible and sometimes not? Or did she have another world next to ours, in the ether, where she left everything in this world behind and floated in her disembodied form? Did she still feel emotions? Was that really curiosity on her face, or was I projecting? Did she feel happiness? Fear? Did she have the option of moving on, or was she stuck here?
Many questions that I might never get the answers to. And that was assuming Andrew knew the answers, since I’d never met Suzanne Cooper and he hadn’t even mentioned that possibility. This place was clearly her baby, but I’m sure running it was a lot of work. Plus, if she was rich enough to own it, she was rich enough to have other businesses and charities to run.
When it comes to the enclosures, they’re all wrapped by a barrier of some kind, though never one that seems adequate. There was not a single place with the ugly metal weavings of a chain-link fence, and no stretches of circular razor wire. Instead, there are nice fences. Black iron, or wrought steel fencing in a similar style to the one circling the perimeter of the zoo, just shorter and with different patterns. Or a spaced picket fence, the wood stained in some tone of brown, or a split two-rail fence. As if to say, ‘This is the border of your enclosure, but we’re just letting you know out of courtesy.’
When I started to pass enclosure number seven last night, a young woman’s voice spoke, “Hello.”
I startled, unaware that I hadn’t been alone. “Oh. Hi,” I said, staring at her standing a few yards in.
She had been next to a large tree and I hadn’t seen her. This enclosure was behind a picket fence, and she walked through the large area of wild grasses and flowers that stretched across the other side of the fence. There were fewer tall grasses closer to the fence, which I guessed was because it had been tromped down by her regular pacing along it when there were visitors, or if she wanted to see the various enclosures of the zoo. Her sudden appearance was a bit weird, considering I had been expecting to see a cryptid and instead I was looking at, it seemed, an attractive Asian woman.
She wore a black kimono, the soft silk robe draped gently over her body, with beautiful patterns of cherry blossoms, more so over her left side, and red and blue birds with their wings spread. A sash wrapped around her abdomen, she wore socks and sandals on her feet, and her hair was up in those rolls that gave volume to the style.
I was no expert on any fashion, much less that of another country, so I just assumed it was all traditional Japanese clothing. Most likely, the visitors who came liked to see a certain time-honored style and that’s what she stuck with. Or maybe she played on stereotypes. That would be amusing.
“I’m Yui. It’s nice to meet you,” she spoke, arriving at the border of the fence and holding out a hand for me to shake.
I’d been standing about three yards away from her, and I’ll be honest, muscle memory tried to kick in. But I only made it two steps, my hand starting to rise, before I froze, the hand falling limply at my side. “Nice to meet you, too,” I answered, my voice quiet.
Damn. I wonder how many times that honey trap works back where she comes from.
The pleasant look on her face faded, and she lowered her hand. “You won’t shake hands with me? Isn’t that rude?”
“I mean, I kind of like my hand where it is. You know, attached to me.”
Her demure smile widened into something more amused. “I would never do something so revolting.”
Looking her up and down, as if more visual information would give me more knowledge of what she was, I asked her, “What would you do?”
“I would be less wasteful,” she said softly.
A finger of ice trailed down my spine, and I had the sudden image in my head of her grabbing my outstretched hand in an iron grip and yanking me over the fence, leaving me to sprawl on the ground. Then killing and consuming me efficiently, without a single careless step, the same way humans slaughtered pigs, using everything from the hog but the squeal. I was struck with a shiver at the idea of her consuming everything from me but my screams.
Slowly, I took one step further down the path, then another. Just as I got to a walking pace, though, I realized the woman had started walking too, in the same direction. I’d have eventually gotten to the end of her enclosure and keep going, leaving her behind, but she spoke up. “Are you leaving?”
I came to a stop, meeting her gaze again. “My job is to walk the zoo every hour. Then I’ll get back to the security room and stay there until my next walk.”
“Have you met the others yet?”
I hesitated before saying, “Just Leila.”
She blinked languidly. “That means nobody welcomed you here.”
“Andrew did.”
She didn’t reply to that. Instead, she slowly started to lean forward, and I flinched backward a few steps further as I saw insect legs start curling out from her back.
No. Not insect. Arachnid.
The eight legs ended in small ‘paws’ with tiny claws, a layer of hairs covering the leg from top to bottom, like any typical tarantula. I took two more slow steps back and my mouth went dry as the jointed legs just kept lengthening, until they were large enough to lever her off the ground.
My gaze had been on the spider legs, but my heart skipped a beat as I realized her human legs had melded together and turned into a bulging abdomen. Her skin was shifting to a carapace, eventually all the way up to her shoulders and down her arms, her fingers elongating and her nails stretching to claws. From there down, her body was that of a pale tarantula with pedipalps the size of my arms and piercing fangs in her jaws that looked like they could take my head off.
There was a moment, my vision blurring, where I was worried that I might piss myself. The part of my brain that still had its humor intact in that moment told me that I should keep an emergency set of clothes in my car, or at the very least, start wearing Depends to work.
“I show you my true form,” she said softly, her voice now raspy like an eighty-year-old after a lifelong smoking habit. “Welcome to Suzanne Cooper’s zoo. The night shift guard for many years was Roger, before he retired and the zoo moved, and I miss him dearly. What should I call you?”
I choked on my words. There was no way my throat was going to cooperate enough for me to clearly get a sentence out. Instead, I realized my legs had taken control of the situation themselves, unsatisfied with my conscious brain’s decision to stand and stare, taking steps backward. I backed up a yard, then five yards, then ten.
My mind focused on the fact that spiders don’t waste anything, and pictured my demise. I’d be wrapped in a cocoon, killed, and made nice and mushy before she had me for dinner.
The whole time, my brain was a frenzied mess, my pupils were probably the size of dimes, and I was staring at that tiny, pathetic fence between her and me. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my body that I felt like my bones were vibrating. The fence was, to my eyes, the only thing between us. The only thing keeping her from tackling and killing me. My only hope was that she’d do it quickly.
But she didn’t move. As I absorbed her innocent, polite words, the look on her face was calm, and I wondered if this was typically the way a conversation went before she devoured her prey. I wondered how many people she’d eaten. Not humans, not people from Earth, but the ones from where she came from. The fact that she doesn’t scare the shit out of those people means they’re staggeringly dumber than humans.
Finally, I rounded a corner, both relieved at having her out of my sight and worried that she would take that moment to come find me. When she’d been within eyeshot, I had at least known where she was and could run in the other direction. But I didn’t hear the sound of faint footsteps moving rapidly toward me. All was quiet, in that deep, smothering way that only an empty business in the middle of the night in small town America could be.
My hands trembling, I barely paid attention to anything but the confirmation that my surroundings were free of the colossal spider as I finally got back to the door. Grabbing the handle and letting my eyes dart around for about ten seconds and my ears prick for the slightest sound, I finally swiped my key card across the pad and went inside, shutting the door behind me and engaging the backup deadbolt.
Maybe that was why they had decided on keycards. If I was running from something and panicking, using an actual key or inserting the card like at a hotel would keep me from getting to safety considering my hands were shaking enough to mix a margarita.
Walking over to my chair, I fell into it, letting my body flush itself of terror as I looked up at the cameras. There she was, still in arachnid form, exactly where I’d left her behind that rinky-dink fence, casually looking around and slowly pacing back and forth. I stared at her as my racing heart gradually slowed, and a minute or so later she turned on her eight legs and walked back into the trees.
Whatever invisible fences the enclosures have apparently work, which is nice, because I wasn’t keen on getting killed by one of the creatures here. And that’s what brings me here, spilling out everything that’s happened so far. Because nearly passing out from terror isn’t something I wanted to deal with at work, obviously, but I keep going over what she did in my head again and again, and I feel like I reacted like a child who spotted a wolf spider on their bed. I started to worry for my overactive sense of self-preservation, at least in my capacity as an employee here.
The spider didn’t even try to hurt me, and so I was feeling a bit foolish. Even annoyed, actually, at the fact that I’d freaked out so hard and took off instead of trying to engage in at least basic conversation. I got the sense that she wasn’t at human-level intelligence, but I was never going to be able to hold any level of conversation with an alligator.
Sure, she did mention that she wouldn’t be so crass as to yank off my hand because she’d rather just have my entire corpse, but wouldn’t a wolf do the same if it was hungry? Wouldn’t any carnivore? Actually, they probably would’ve been satisfied with one of my hands. The fear here was from the fact that she turned into a giant spider. If she’d turned into Clifford, I would’ve reacted the same way, if not better than, meeting Leila.
With that, I decided I’m staying on the job. Considering how frustrated I can get with foolish people, it’s a bit hypocritical, and I’m being a bit of an idiot. But…there are definitely wards keeping them in their enclosures. Also, I signed up for creatures for another dimension, whether or not I believed in them at the time, and I will not let encountering my first one in an objectively boring way be the reason I quit.
The money is a factor, I’ll grant you. Of course it is. And I can’t spend it if I’m dead, but all signs point to surviving as long as I don’t do anything dumb. Also, yes, I’ll admit there’s a not-so-little voice in the back of my head that’s desperate to know what else is here. I never thought I’d do something like this, but finding out these things are real, I honestly do want to learn more about them.
Still, though, I decided to call Andrew at the end of my shift to ask if the pepper spray and taser I carried worked on a certain spider, as well as the other animals I’d yet to meet.
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/storiesbykaren