Half heart made by keyboard

First time poster, literally only downloaded Reddit to post because I’ve became addicted to SMOSH reads Reddit and it seems Reddit users are not afraid to tell it like it is. Names changed for obvious reasons.
Backstory - I (37f) have been friends with Shay (36f) for 20 years, we were on each other’s weddings and I love her kids like they’re my own family. Shay has lots of friends, whereas I only have a few. Her and Sophie (38f) I have always been the one to try and keep our friendships going, planning meals, get togethers and vacations. I usually plan something every year for us three to get away somewhere together (they’ve been friends for 20 years too) I have struggled with my mental health my whole life (picture break downs, suicide attempts, manic episodes) and I admit that maybe I rely too much on my friends to help me when I’m bad. I only have them and my husband to talk to and I’m sure it gets exhausting for them. About 18 months ago Sophie was going through some really tough things in her personal life and it got so bad she was struggling to see a way out. Obviously I wanted to do something to help as I know full well how dark it can get inside your own head. I decided the best way to try and cheer her up and help take her mind of things was to go an impromptu mini vay-cay. I booked an Airbnb for 2 nights in 2 days time in her favourite place. It was Friday afternoon and we were going to go on the Sunday morning. Super impromptu. I didn’t think to ask Shay because I didn’t want to put her under pressure to find childcare at such short notice/feel bad if she couldn’t make it. In hindsight I realise I should have asked her anyway but I didn’t. She found out when I posted on social media about the trip and was naturally very upset. She confronted us both via the group chat and we both felt immediately like assholes for what we had done. We both apologised profusely, explained that it wasn’t intentional and asked what we could do to make it up to her but she said she needed to step back from the friendship for a bit because she was so hurt. I apologised again saying that I totally understand and to take as long as she needed and we would be there for her. A few weeks passed by with my guilt eating me up so I messaged her and asked how she was, told her we had bought her a gift from the trip and asked if she’d like to meet up and talk things through. She said no and to forget about the gift. I reiterated again how bad I felt and how sorry I was and asked if there was anything I could do to make it up to her. She said she was hurt and felt like I only ever wanted her for the support and never the fun things. This took me by surprise I’ll be honest. I know I’m sometimes hard to deal with but I’ve always put her first. I have never missed a Christmas or Easter or any of the kids/hers/husbands birthdays and always made a point of seeing them at least once a month, bringing little gifts for the kids and a sweet treat for us to have while we catch up. I always went to her because I know how stressful it is to wrangle three kids up and go visit someone. I involved her in everything I did. I missed some of my own family events to do things with her instead. I even asked her to be my MOH. I tried to initiate conversations and meet ups with her over the next few months but it was all very weird and felt forced. I eventually stopped trying because it was breaking my heart and I haven’t heard a peep now for months. I miss her. I miss the kids. I miss what we had. She hasn’t spoken a word to Sophie since it happened and Sophie says she refuses to chase after her because she has enough shit to deal with. Just before this all happened Shay started hanging out with a new group of girls and they’ve all became very close since, constantly posting on social media about how much they mean to each other and I can’t help but feel hurt by this. I don’t think she ever posted about our friendship like that in all the time I’ve known her but I totally understand that sometimes you just meet people and click like they fill a void that you have. I’m trying to move on and heal but it’s hard and I can’t help wondering if I’m the asshole or not.

Getting this out there to stop ruminating - hoping for helpful perspectives.
TL;DR My boyfriend has lied a lot about his ex, now says she raped him 6 times. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s lying.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with a guy I deeply love (28M) for a year and some months. I met him (let’s call him Charlie) around six months after a relationship I was in for 6 years ended in a way fitting for a Netflix docuseries, with me realizing I really never knew the man I was engaged to and had lived with for five years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Charlie came along and was really just gentle, and kind. There was no lovebombing, which I would’ve been really sensitive to, just easygoing falling in love. Things definitely moved quickly, but not in any overdramatic sense. I felt at peace for awhile.
I told him from the very beginning that I can’t handle lying. That he doesn’t even have to tell me the truth about anything - just please don’t lie to me. I had been so badly hurt and was trying to heal my ability to trust. And I understand that people lie sometimes without meaning to, to protect others/themselves, I really get it. Out of consideration for both of us, I set that boundary early so that if it was something he couldn’t do, he’d know I’m not the person for him and that’s okay. I just asked for the respect.
And I didn’t uphold my own boundary. That’s on me. I should’ve left at the first lie, but I just had this gut feeling that he really does love me. The lies mainly revolve around his ex (someone he was with for 9 months, around covid). Right after meeting him (2 weeks), he had lunch with her for ‘closure’, as she had just moved back from out of state. I had encouraged him to do this, because he had expressed not being sure if he’s over it. I really liked him, so I said hey, I totally understand, but I don’t want to continue with you if that’s an open door. Go see her, you don’t owe me anything but the respect of a clear decision. He went to have lunch and came right back, saying all the perfect things and grateful that he could now say he was sure.
A few months later, I started to notice inconsistencies about how he spoke of his past. This was really triggering to me, and he knew that. He went from saying she broke his heart when she broke up with him to he knew he never loved her while with her, found her unattractive and easy, and that they never spent time together. He said the entire thing was faked by them, made up to convince their friends and family that they were mature and had their lives together. He told me he was using dating apps the entire time, always to sext and snapchat other girls. He showed me the childishness of their texts, and I noted that he tried to initiate sexting and talked about sex a lot with her. She seemed disinterested, only really engaging for validation. It definitely did not read as intimacy, or like they knew each other at all. Just a lot of middle schoolish plays for attention and detached romance. Weirdly, he also told me that when they would talk about moments they shared, they had actually not even seen each other. The moments hadn’t even happened…he claims they were just cosplaying a relationship, essentially.
Fast forward - he went from saying that girl broke his heart when she broke up with him to that girl raped him multiple times. Now, big disclaimer - the doubt I am about to express is not by any means doubt that men are raped by women. I am a survivor myself, and know that victims and abusers can be any gender, size, sexuality, etc. I also know that the way victims cope can be denial, as well as many other things. But I am really afraid that my boyfriend is lying and accusing an innocent person of rape. He claims they had sex consensually one time and he hated it, and that the rest of the times there was any sexual contact (6 times), she raped him. He said she wasn’t a sexual person, and that it was always very matter-of-fact and business-like. That she didn’t make a sound, just started touching him - according to him, he’d say no and try to push her hand away, but she would silently just continue. She would then straddle him, pin him down, and also get a condom on him at the same time? He says all of this was without a sound, just more forceful if he tried to push her off or get up. And this happened six times, according to him. He said each time he froze more and more.
I remember from their texts that she talked about how she feels bad that she never orgasms when they have sex, and assured him that only one guy in her past was able to get her off. And over text, he was always the one bringing up sex - sex they had (that he now says were complete fabrications, though she just played along), sex he wanted to have with her, etc. And she just seemed to put up with it at best, but mostly bored. He was the one who wanted to hang out with her, the main initiator of contact. And after the relationship ended, that was still true. He seemed to idealize her, kept reaching out, etc. She would either ignore him or react when she wanted attention.
Something just feels so off. He ended up retracting that she raped him, then said the retraction was a lie because he could tell I have doubts and just wanted to put my mind to rest because he knows it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe. I want to help him through this…but what if he’s lying? It seems he is a compulsive liar, and I’m just so scared of being hurt. Does anyone have any experience with any part of this?

Am I overreacting that my boyfriend asked his old crush for half-naked photos? For context, my boyfriend (M31) and I (F29) met modeling. We hit it off and started dating pretty soon after. From the beginning he started to mention another girls name, we’ll call her Sue, and talking about how smart and funny she is to me randomly. She happens to be a model as well, but an OF model. I thought it was weird but I was like whatever….no big deal. She seems to be mutual friends with some other people as well.
Then I started noticing that he was texting her a lot, and whenever we had parties and it would be all our friends that were couples but he would invite her over. He would spend so much time talking to her. Last year, he invited her to our Christmas party. She shows up, they talk all night, the next morning when she leaves he gives her the biggest hug picking her up from the ground and squeezing her while she giggled. She barely hugged me. That’s when I started getting weird vibes, so I asked him straight up. He said they had not hooked up, but he had tried several times and asked her out and she did not want to. They are just “close friends” now.
I go to his instagram and he is following like 4 of her “private” and risqué pages and liked ALL of her basically nude and sexually posed pictures. I ask him how he thinks this is appropriate especially asking her to all our parties and introducing me to her? I feel so embarrassed. Especially because his friends group KNOWS their past and no one cared to tell me. He just expected me to be totally oblivious to his attention towards her? He proceeds to unfollow her sexual pages but still follows 2 of her private accounts.
I get upset and ask to see his phone to see their message thread. I found that he had been sending her sexual memes, and even asked her on a date a week before we made it official….. while we were “dating”.
Worst of all, the first month of our relationship he asks her to send him photos of her costume on Halloween, which she had explained to him was VERY minimal if you know what I mean. The picture sent me off because why are you asking pictures of any girl but also one you wanted to date and who is basically nude??When you just got into a relationship? He has never once asked me for a photo. He even responded to Sue’s photos with “Wow you’re almost completely nude in this one”.
Soooo, I get pissed and he starts defending himself saying it’s not that bad and that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He also defends that he can separate his feelings for Sue now that we are in a relationship. He made it so much worse by saying “Well it was the beginning of our relationship” and “I wasn’t in love with you then”. Continuously saying he was not in the wrong and defending himself with things that made me even more upset. He even told me it was my fault because he didn’t know if we were going to last initially…but he asked me out??? And I felt everything was GREAT in the beginning. He also said it’s not a big deal because he hasn’t asked her since and “if he wanted to he could but he hasn’t”. He even told me I was insecure, and that I have posed nude before and how does that make him feel that other people can see that? But he literally got into a relationship with me in this industry?
This isn’t the first time I have talked to him about women and his obsession with porn, girls he’s hooked up with in his life, and keeping them close. And recently he has asked me to move in with him, I just don’t feel comfortable. I just feel so embarrassed and taken advantage of…if he thinks this is ok, what will he think is ok in the next 5 years? I don’t know am I overreacting about Sue and him? Should I give him a chance to have actual boundaries as he said he will no longer text her and deleted her off Instagram or should I kick him to the damn curb.

I appreciate everyone’s response about my first post regarding family curses. So now my understanding is just that families can ultimately curse themselves by the teachings of older generations in the family that get passed down. I’m still very curious about my own family, and I’d like to hear some opinions from others about my own Family curse, or at least what I see as my own family curse. So bear with me while I tell the story.
Edit: THIS IS ALSO SORT OF A TESTIMONY!! If you struggle with dysfunctional family maybe you should read this.
I grew up in a dysfunctional household with no teachings of Christ really. I didn’t grow up with prayer or reading the Bible. It was always an awkward subject when Christian kids asked me about the whole topic because I didn’t know anything and then some kids would assume that I’m atheist and didn’t want to befriend me and that made things a bit difficult for me growing up. On top of it all my parents didn’t always behave well around me and cussed a lot, and the cussing became a horrible habit, and honestly it’s one I’ve become better about but still struggle with today even. There was no order in our home and hardly any rules. My siblings were hardly told to back off or be nice when they were being mean to one another or to me. We have never prayed together as a family, we didn’t read the Bible or go to church together, no meal prayers, nothing. Alcoholism and even mental issues run in my family and I myself have struggled in the past with these things, but surrounding myself with good people, going to church, and doing my best to find Christ has, for the most part, pulled me out of these things. I drink alcohol but reasonably, and my struggle with depression has pretty much come to an end, I only have the occasional bouts of anxiety. However, other members of my family are struggling heavily with drinking and mental issues but have not tried to find any solution of any kind. Looking back now, I feel that this is part of the family curse. We grew up very poor but looking back, our poverty was caused only by the foolishness of my father, who, in my own opinion, failed as a man, father, and husband. For a lengthy portion of my childhood my dad withheld all of his earnings from my mom/family and refused to pay for bills and provisions for the family. My mom had 3 young kids and didn’t work because she was busy caring for us. This all led to her feeling that she had no choice but to get a credit card and it led to tons of debt from feeding, clothing, and caring for us kids, which my dad blames all on my mother. Because of this, they nearly lost our home back in 2003. Later on when I was about 13 they stopped providing my needs to me and I was forced to work. Lastly, I endured a lot of verbal, and maybe even emotional abuse from my dad primarily, but from both. I don’t know how my parents were raised really, so I don’t know if they started a “curse” or if they were just part of a larger one passed down. I wish I could explain more of my experience but some of it is too hurtful to bring up, but that’s really most of it.
Update to my current life: I met a wonderful man with 3 wonderful kids. He is divorced by no fault of his own. He is a man of Christ and started bringing me to his church for the past year or so. We go to church and Sunday school every Sunday. His mother and family are also good Christian people. He has taught me a lot about god and the Bible and he teaches his children about this as well. He leads prayer during our meals. I help him with parenting and I have been following my heart on the parenting aspect and not what my parents taught me and did when they parented me, plus I have learned from my boyfriends parenting methods which I find very reasonable. I don’t want kids of my own because having a biological child isn’t important to me, I just want to be a good role model for kids that are in need of one. I love my boyfriend’s sons as if they were my own. All of these things have been a blessing to me. I’m moving on from all the hurt that my own blood family has caused me. It’s still hard sometimes, but I’m really happy with it so far.
My family isn’t happy about my life though because my boyfriend is much older than me, and honestly I think part of it is because they don’t really follow Christ. I’m very happy with my boyfriend and his family and I pray that he proposes to me so I can be his wife, I am ready to submit to the perfect man and become man and wife and he is my perfect man and has given me what nobody else ever has. Because of him I am moving closer to a family life of normalcy instead of one of dysfunction and heartache.
And now I’ll finally conclude this with my questions.
Do you think my blood family was cursed in its own way?
Am I breaking that curse and how do you think I’m doing?
I have also thought of going No Contact with my family after I’m married, even if it’s just temporary. I’ve heard mixed opinions on this not being a good or biblical thing to do. What are your thoughts on this?

AIO FOR NOT RIDING IN THE CAR TRUNK ON MY FRIEND’S BDAY?
Sorry I forgot to finish the title.
TLDR: I refused to sit in the car trunk to go to the club for my friends bday and they think I’m being dramatic.
(F) have two roommates (F) and we all went to the same school together. For my roommate Ali’s bday, a couple of her close girl friends were staying at our place and we were all going out to the club together. One of the girls I never met before and the other girl, Nita, went to our high school as well.
Now, I knew of Nita but she always struck me as obnoxious and fake. In school she hung around with a bunch of mean girls who gossiped and bullied other girls. Think Regina George-esque. So I always maintained a distance from her. Of course, we graduated a few years back so when they were visiting I tried to give her the benefit of a doubt.
Anyway, there’s six girls in total and we all got ready and dressed for the night and Nita offered to be the DD. I said we could get an Uber so that she doesn’t drink and drive, because I knew she was going to drink anyway. She insisted that it would be fine.
So we leave the house and go to her car and she says “I don’t have enough seats for everyone but there should be room for you (the others) girls and - [my name], you can sit in the trunk?” Mind you I’m one of the girls in heels and a skirt, and Nita owns a hatchback so you have to damn near spread out and climb under and over shit to get in and out of the trunk. Not to mention, but I don’t know half of these girls already, so while I would be willing to ride in the trunk with people I trust, I’m not about to humiliate myself by being the one in the trunk.
I immediately said no, I’m not doing that. Nita was then saying “oh, well it’s spacious and pretty roomy so it won’t be uncomfortable” and my other roommate opened the trunk and was agreeing with her. I became pretty offended that they would even suggest that. I straight up said look, if one of you wants to ride in the trunk that’s fine, but I’m not doing that, I’d rather get my own ride. Nita and one of the other visiting friends made looks at each other and me, and it got quiet and awkward. They were making me feel like I was the crazy one for not wanting to sit in the trunk of someone who had already been drinking.
Then my roommate says that she’ll sit in the trunk. So she does. And she sits in there for 20 minutes. And I’m in the backseat talking to her and keeping her company. The whole time I feel so bad because now she’s taking the L instead of me. When we got to the club Nita and the other two friends were joking and complaining that I’m a snob because I refuse to sit in the trunk. Nita joked about how in school girls would call me such a brat and she sees that not much has changed.
After that night my roommates came to me and told me that the friends were pretty upset because I was being difficult and arguing when it’s not that big of a deal. I told them I don’t care because we could have just gotten an Uber and that it’s degrading to sit in a trunk especially with a group of girls that I hardly even know and definitely do not trust. We kind of got into an argument over that and they said I’m making a big deal out of it, that I’m being overly dramatic, and I’m making it difficult on my roommate’s bday when I could just be agreeable and go with the flow and I feel like I’m being perfectly reasonable. AIO?

Getting this out there to stop ruminating - hoping for helpful perspectives.
TL;DR My boyfriend has lied a lot about his ex, now says she raped him 6 times. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s lying.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with a guy I deeply love (28M) for a year and some months. I met him (let’s call him Charlie) around six months after a relationship I was in for 6 years ended in a way fitting for a Netflix docuseries, with me realizing I really never knew the man I was engaged to and had lived with for five years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Charlie came along and was really just gentle, and kind. There was no lovebombing, which I would’ve been really sensitive to, just easygoing falling in love. Things definitely moved quickly, but not in any overdramatic sense. I felt at peace for awhile.
I told him from the very beginning that I can’t handle lying. That he doesn’t even have to tell me the truth about anything - just please don’t lie to me. I had been so badly hurt and was trying to heal my ability to trust. And I understand that people lie sometimes without meaning to, to protect others/themselves, I really get it. Out of consideration for both of us, I set that boundary early so that if it was something he couldn’t do, he’d know I’m not the person for him and that’s okay. I just asked for the respect.
And I didn’t uphold my own boundary. That’s on me. I should’ve left at the first lie, but I just had this gut feeling that he really does love me. The lies mainly revolve around his ex (someone he was with for 9 months, around covid). Right after meeting him (2 weeks), he had lunch with her for ‘closure’, as she had just moved back from out of state. I had encouraged him to do this, because he had expressed not being sure if he’s over it. I really liked him, so I said hey, I totally understand, but I don’t want to continue with you if that’s an open door. Go see her, you don’t owe me anything but the respect of a clear decision. He went to have lunch and came right back, saying all the perfect things and grateful that he could now say he was sure.
A few months later, I started to notice inconsistencies about how he spoke of his past. This was really triggering to me, and he knew that. He went from saying she broke his heart when she broke up with him to he knew he never loved her while with her, found her unattractive and easy, and that they never spent time together. He said the entire thing was faked by them, made up to convince their friends and family that they were mature and had their lives together. He told me he was using dating apps the entire time, always to sext and snapchat other girls. He showed me the childishness of their texts, and I noted that he tried to initiate sexting and talked about sex a lot with her. She seemed disinterested, only really engaging for validation. It definitely did not read as intimacy, or like they knew each other at all. Just a lot of middle schoolish plays for attention and detached romance. Weirdly, he also told me that when they would talk about moments they shared, they had actually not even seen each other. The moments hadn’t even happened…he claims they were just cosplaying a relationship, essentially.
Fast forward - he went from saying that girl broke his heart when she broke up with him to that girl raped him multiple times. Now, big disclaimer - the doubt I am about to express is not by any means doubt that men are raped by women. I am a survivor myself, and know that victims and abusers can be any gender, size, sexuality, etc. I also know that the way victims cope can be denial, as well as many other things. But I am really afraid that my boyfriend is lying and accusing an innocent person of rape. He claims they had sex consensually one time and he hated it, and that the rest of the times there was any sexual contact (6 times), she raped him. He said she wasn’t a sexual person, and that it was always very matter-of-fact and business-like. That she didn’t make a sound, just started touching him - according to him, he’d say no and try to push hand away, but she would silently just continue. She would then straddle him, pin him down, and also get a condom on him at the same time? He says all of this was without a sound, just more forceful if he tried to push her off or get up. And this happened six times, according to him. He said each time he froze more and more.
I remember from their texts that she talked about how she feels bad that she never orgasms when they have sex, and assured him that only one guy in her past was able to get her off. And over text, he was always the one bringing up sex - sex they had (that he now says were complete fabrications, though she just played along), sex he wanted to have with her, etc. And she just seemed to put up with it at best, but mostly bored. He was the one who wanted to hang out with her, the main initiator of contact. And after the relationship ended, that was still true. He seemed to idealize her, kept reaching out, etc. She would either ignore him or react when she wanted attention.
Something just feels so off. He ended up retracting that she raped him, then said the retraction was a lie because he could tell I have doubts and just wanted to put my mind to rest because he knows it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe. I want to help him through this…but what if he’s lying? It seems he is a compulsive liar, and I’m just so scared of being hurt. Does anyone have any experience with any part of this?

I wanted to share my recovery experience in case it can help anyone. I am on my 3rd month of no symptoms and I am working out daily. Running, mountain biking, racquetball, lifting… all of it.
History: Got my Pfizer booster on 12/28/21 and started having chest pain a few hours later and its been on and off ever since. (Until a few months ago). Sometimes sharp, sometimes burning, sometimes aching, and moves around the left side of my chest .. there were ups and downs .. went on disability for 5 months ... you know the story, similar to many others. Too much physical activity or stress would usually trigger symptoms. It would usually be a few days of feeling ok … then 1-3 months of pain. Officially diagnosed with pericarditis a couple months after the jab. Other symptoms included hair loss, anxiety, gut issues, tinnitus, leg pain, and muscle twitches.
After 2.5 years of being obsessed with this I have come to believe that there are 4 camps of people:
Camp 1 – No reaction
Folks in this camp were vaccinated and had no reaction and are seemingly just fine.
Camp 2 - Acute reaction
Folks in this camp had an immediate reaction to the vax. Everything from hives to heart attack. And if you survived, your issues resolved rather quickly.
Camp 3 – Ongoing reaction /diagnosed serious issues
Folks in this camp have serious diagnosed issues and known tissue damage or degeneration. Cancer, kidney failure, heart failure, degenerative diseases, and other serious diagnosed issues .. etc.
Camp 4 – Initial reaction that became perpetuated by the nervous system aka (MECFS / TMS / neuroplastic pain)
Folks in this camp had an initial reaction (hours to weeks) after the vax and have a huge list of possible symptoms. But most testing is coming back normal and nothing very serious is diagnosed. It is my belief that for people in this camp there was some reaction, inflammation, or tissue damage that caused symptoms initially. Then over time that damage healed and those symptoms were LEARNED and PERPETUATED by the nervous system. I think most folks with ongoing issues are probably in this camp. And this goes for vax injury and Long Covid.

I believe that I am in camp 4 and here are the main reasons why:

1. My pain is inconsistent – different sensations and inconsistent behavior and location
2. My pain can be triggered by mental stress
3. My pain typically comes AFTER physical exertion … not during
4. My pain does not always come after physical exertion
5. My pain sometimes comes with no obvious trigger.
6. No structural or tissue damage has been found in testing
7. If my pain was caused by tissue damage, it would not act the way it does in reasons 1-5
8. During the moments when I felt good, where was the spike, the inflammation, the vascular damage, or the microclots?
9. I have a type A personality – Type A is much more predisposed to neuroplastic pain

If you are interested there is a great self-assessment you can do to see if your symptoms fit in this category. Here is the link. https://www.danbuglio.com/paintest
Other evidence supporting Camp 4:

1. The nervous system can cause inflammatory markers and increased blood coagulability even in the absence of tissue damage and here are the studies. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1155/2014/780616?flavor=mobileapp. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2629605/?flavor=mobileapp
2. There is strong evidence that Long vax aka vaccine injury is basically the same as Long Covid which is basically the same as MECFS/post viral syndrome and here is the study. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10278546/
3. The nervous system can cause basically ANY symptom or sensation.
4. 200+ symptoms are possible in long Covid and vax injury in basically every area in the body. Does it make more sense that there are that many different modes of impact … or that the root of the problem is just the nervous system?
5. Mounting recovery stories from both Long Covid and Vaccine injury that are rooted in addressing the nervous system. There are several great YouTube channels (listed below) full of great recovery stories and other related information and advice.

Raelan Agle - https://www.youtube.com/c/RaelanAgle
Pain Free You - https://www.youtube.com/@PainFreeYou
Rebecca Tolin - https://www.youtube.com/@rebeccatolinmind-bodycoach
Mindful Gardener - https://www.youtube.com/@mindfulgardener5039
The Probable Solution for Camp 4:
So if you are in camp 4, how do you rewire your nervous system? Well basically it comes down to fear and belief. As long as you continue to believe your symptoms are being caused by some underlying issue like tissue damage, your autonomic nervous system is validated and will continue to create the symptoms. The more you fear your symptoms, and worry about them, and research them, and try to treat them with external modalities, the more you enable what your nervous system is doing and it will continue to perpetuate them. So the answer basically comes down to 3 steps.

1. Recognize what is actually going on and KNOW it – regardless of how you feel
2. Remove the fear and worry response. Stop catastrophizing and trying to fix your body. The body is not the issue.
3. Slowly reintroduce yourself to your triggers through a lens of safety and over time your nervous system will get the hint.

I have heavily simplified the process with those three steps which is why I recommend that you check out the YouTube channels and books I have listed. Also, Its important to know that the rewiring of your nervous system is not a linear process. You will most likely have symptoms and flares … it’s a process and everyone has a different starting point and symptom severity. But there are several online support groups and courses that can walk you through the process. I enrolled in one by a Dr named Becca Kennedy. She is an MD and has successfully treated dozens of folks with long covid and vax injury using this methodology. She offers an 8 week live course online and is very responsive to any and all questions through an ongoing chat. Here is a link to her site. https://resilience-healthcare.com/ And here is a link to the first module of her class. Maybe watch it and see if it resonates with you. https://youtu.be/Mn1BQ7Ub2ig?si=-ulJwdzORaEgPjMb
For me personally, I began working on my nervous system in January of this year. And ever since then I have progressively improved. All the way to the point where I started to flirt with exercise 2 months ago. Just pushups and situps in the beginning. Then about 5 weeks ago, I started some short jogs .. half walk half jogging. I triggered some symptoms initially and some baby flares but I confronted them differently in my mind and actions… then fast forward to today and I just finished my fifth day in a row of running 3 miles .. no walking. And no real symptom triggers and no flares.
Its been two years but But my legs hurt so good! And look, i might have a flare down the road .. but I think I know whats going on now and i know how to address it… so bring it on.
Books I recommend:
I recommend all of these books. But if you only read one, read The Way Out by Alan Gordon
The Way Out – Alan Gordon
Mind over Medicine – Lissa Rankin
You are the Placebo – Joe Dispenza
How Your Body Can Heal Your Mind – David Hamilton
The Obstacle is the Way – Ryan Holiday

Testing: I got pretty much every heart test and blood test you can get done besides an MRI – multiple cardiac stress tests, EKGs, vascular CT scan all were normal. I also had the IncellDx cytokine panel done and multiple microclot tests done. I did have some abnormal tests that are listed below.
VEGF – high
SCD40L - high
Ferritin – very high*
Micro clot – 3.5/4 (high)*
Spike antibodies – high ~ 15000
EBV – positive
Mold Igg – high
TGFBeta – high
*note on the ferritin – normal values are between 50-400 ng/mL and at the highest I was at 1700 ng/mL. I have since been diagnosed with hemochromatosis (I hold too much iron) and basically I have to give some blood every few months to keep it in check… im not totally sure what to think about this yet but I think maybe the vaccine turned this on in me somehow .. but im not sure yet. Either way its not a huge deal.
*note on the microclots. After 8 months of anticoagulants my microclots came down to 2/4 (normal) … but my symptoms remained. I am not sure what to think about the whole microclot issue because once mine were within the normal range, my symptoms remained. So while I don’t think they are good and should probably be addressed, I also don’t think they are at the root of most folks symptoms.
The more testing you do .. the more likely you are going to find something to fixate on .. for me is was ferritn, then VEGF, then mold, then EBV, then spike antibodies, then microclots. And based on what I’ve seen, the more testing people do, the more lost and stressed they become. Chasing stuff that isn’t really a big deal or isn’t really at the root of their symptoms.. This can be difficult to get away from because functional Drs and naturopaths will happily help you chase whatever you want to chase.
Treatments I have tried:
40 hardshell HBOT sessions + 15 softshell
All of the supplements – too many to list or remember – (60 pills per day ish) – was working with a dietician
Colchicine
Blood letting (500 ml taken per week for 20+ weeks)
Triple anticoagulation therapy (Eloquis, Plavix, Asprin) 8 months – patient of Pierre Kory’s practice for about a year (FLCCC)
Vegan Diet – full vegan, no sugar, no coffee, no gluten, and mostly green veggies for 6 months – extreme anti-inflammatory
LDN
Methalyne Blue
THC
Ivermectin
Nitazoxinide
Creatine
Testosterone
Medical Medium – Celery Juice
Daily Ice baths
Red light therapy
Daily Sauna
Fasting - intermittent and longer 24-72hrs
Polyvagal breathing
Robin Rose’s Spike detox protocol*
*None of the above listed treatments cured my symptoms. The only one that I cant say that 100% for is the Robin Rose spike detox protocol. This is because I started it at the same time as my nervous system work… so it may or may not have had a positive impact. I just cant say for sure because I started both at the same time. Just wanted to include this for full transparency. Here is the link to Robin Rose’s clinic Terrain health if youre interested. https://terrainhealth.org/long-haulers-treatment/
Treatments and lifestyle that I will continue into the future for overall health:
Sauna 4-5x per week – to induce autophagy and general ongoing detox
NAC – I like the brain boost this gives me
Nattokinase – to keep possible microclots under control
Intermittent fasting
Daily 64 oz green smoothie – half fruit half green veggies with beet root powder, seeds, ginger, cardio miracle, baobob powder, and spirulina.
That was a lot … but its been quite the journey and I didn’t want to miss anything. I hope this helps some of you.

I wanted to share my recovery experience in case it can help anyone. I am on my 3rd month of no symptoms and I am working out daily. Running, mountain biking, racquetball, lifting… all of it. Also, FYI my issues started after the vaccine, so much of this post is vaccine-related. However, I believe the solution is the same for most cases of long-covid and vaccine injury.
History: Got my Pfizer booster on 12/28/21 and started having chest pain a few hours later and its been on and off ever since. (Until a few months ago). Sometimes sharp, sometimes burning, sometimes aching, and moves around the left side of my chest .. there were ups and downs .. went on disability for 5 months ... you know the story, similar to many others. Too much physical activity or stress would usually trigger symptoms. It would usually be a few days of feeling ok … then 1-3 months of pain. Officially diagnosed with pericarditis a couple months after the jab. Other symptoms included hair loss, anxiety, gut issues, tinnitus, leg pain, and muscle twitches.
After 2.5 years of being obsessed with this I have come to believe that there are 4 camps of people:
Camp 1 – No reaction
Folks in this camp were vaccinated and had no reaction and are seemingly just fine.
Camp 2 - Acute reaction
Folks in this camp had an immediate reaction to the vax. Everything from hives to heart attack. And if you survived, your issues resolved rather quickly.
Camp 3 – Ongoing reaction /diagnosed serious issues
Folks in this camp have serious diagnosed issues and known tissue damage or degeneration. Cancer, kidney failure, heart failure, degenerative diseases, and other serious diagnosed issues .. etc.
Camp 4 – Initial reaction that became perpetuated by the nervous system aka (MECFS / TMS / neuroplastic pain)
Folks in this camp had an initial reaction (hours to weeks) after the vax and have a huge list of possible symptoms. But most testing is coming back normal and nothing very serious is diagnosed. It is my belief that for people in this camp there was some reaction, inflammation, or tissue damage that caused symptoms initially. Then over time that damage healed and those symptoms were LEARNED and PERPETUATED by the nervous system. I think most folks with ongoing issues are probably in this camp. And this goes for vax injury and Long Covid.

I believe that I am in camp 4 and here are the main reasons why:

1. My pain is inconsistent – different sensations and inconsistent behavior and location
2. My pain can be triggered by mental stress
3. My pain typically comes AFTER physical exertion … not during
4. My pain does not always come after physical exertion
5. My pain sometimes comes with no obvious trigger.
6. No structural or tissue damage has been found in testing
7. If my pain was caused by tissue damage, it would not act the way it does in reasons 1-5
8. During the moments when I felt good, where was the spike, the inflammation, the vascular damage, or the microclots?
9. I have a type A personality – Type A is much more predisposed to neuroplastic pain

If you are interested there is a great self-assessment you can do to see if your symptoms fit in this category. Here is the link. https://www.danbuglio.com/paintest
Other evidence supporting Camp 4:

1. The nervous system can cause inflammatory markers and increased blood coagulability even in the absence of tissue damage and here are the studies. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1155/2014/780616?flavor=mobileapp. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2629605/?flavor=mobileapp
2. There is strong evidence that Long vax aka vaccine injury is basically the same as Long Covid which is basically the same as MECFS/post viral syndrome and here is the study. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10278546/
3. The nervous system can cause basically ANY symptom or sensation.
4. 200+ symptoms are possible in long Covid and vax injury in basically every area in the body. Does it make more sense that there are that many different modes of impact … or that the root of the problem is just the nervous system?
5. Mounting recovery stories from both Long Covid and Vaccine injury that are rooted in addressing the nervous system. There are several great YouTube channels (listed below) full of great recovery stories and other related information and advice.

Raelan Agle - https://www.youtube.com/c/RaelanAgle
Pain Free You - https://www.youtube.com/@PainFreeYou
Rebecca Tolin - https://www.youtube.com/@rebeccatolinmind-bodycoach
Mindful Gardener - https://www.youtube.com/@mindfulgardener5039
The Probable Solution for Camp 4:
So if you are in camp 4, how do you rewire your nervous system? Well basically it comes down to fear and belief. As long as you continue to believe your symptoms are being caused by some underlying issue like tissue damage, your autonomic nervous system is validated and will continue to create the symptoms. The more you fear your symptoms, and worry about them, and research them, and try to treat them with external modalities, the more you enable what your nervous system is doing and it will continue to perpetuate them. So the answer basically comes down to 3 steps.

1. Recognize what is actually going on and KNOW it – regardless of how you feel
2. Remove the fear and worry response. Stop catastrophizing and trying to fix your body. The body is not the issue.
3. Slowly reintroduce yourself to your triggers through a lens of safety and over time your nervous system will get the hint.

I have heavily simplified the process with those three steps which is why I recommend that you check out the YouTube channels and books I have listed. Also, Its important to know that the rewiring of your nervous system is not a linear process. You will most likely have symptoms and flares … it’s a process and everyone has a different starting point and symptom severity. But there are several online support groups and courses that can walk you through the process. I enrolled in one by a Dr named Becca Kennedy. She is an MD and has successfully treated dozens of folks with long covid and vax injury using this methodology. She offers an 8 week live course online and is very responsive to any and all questions through an ongoing chat. Here is a link to her site. https://resilience-healthcare.com/ And here is a link to the first module of her class. Maybe watch it and see if it resonates with you. https://youtu.be/Mn1BQ7Ub2ig?si=-ulJwdzORaEgPjMb
For me personally, I began working on my nervous system in January of this year. And ever since then I have progressively improved. All the way to the point where I started to flirt with exercise 2 months ago. Just pushups and situps in the beginning. Then about 5 weeks ago, I started some short jogs .. half walk half jogging. I triggered some symptoms initially and some baby flares but I confronted them differently in my mind and actions… then fast forward to today and I just finished my fifth day in a row of running 3 miles .. no walking. And no real symptom triggers and no flares.
Its been two years but But my legs hurt so good! And look, i might have a flare down the road .. but I think I know whats going on now and i know how to address it… so bring it on.
Books I recommend:
I recommend all of these books. But if you only read one, read The Way Out by Alan Gordon
The Way Out – Alan Gordon
Mind over Medicine – Lissa Rankin
You are the Placebo – Joe Dispenza
How Your Body Can Heal Your Mind – David Hamilton
The Obstacle is the Way – Ryan Holiday

Testing: I got pretty much every heart test and blood test you can get done besides an MRI – multiple cardiac stress tests, EKGs, vascular CT scan all were normal. I also had the IncellDx cytokine panel done and multiple microclot tests done. I did have some abnormal tests that are listed below.
VEGF – high
SCD40L - high
Ferritin – very high*
Micro clot – 3.5/4 (high)*
Spike antibodies – high ~ 15000
EBV – positive
Mold Igg – high
TGFBeta – high
*note on the ferritin – normal values are between 50-400 ng/mL and at the highest I was at 1700 ng/mL. I have since been diagnosed with hemochromatosis (I hold too much iron) and basically I have to give some blood every few months to keep it in check… im not totally sure what to think about this yet but I think maybe the vaccine turned this on in me somehow .. but im not sure yet. Either way its not a huge deal.
*note on the microclots. After 8 months of anticoagulants my microclots came down to 2/4 (normal) … but my symptoms remained. I am not sure what to think about the whole microclot issue because once mine were within the normal range, my symptoms remained. So while I don’t think they are good and should probably be addressed, I also don’t think they are at the root of most folks symptoms.
The more testing you do .. the more likely you are going to find something to fixate on .. for me is was ferritn, then VEGF, then mold, then EBV, then spike antibodies, then microclots. And based on what I’ve seen, the more testing people do, the more lost and stressed they become. Chasing stuff that isn’t really a big deal or isn’t really at the root of their symptoms.. This can be difficult to get away from because functional Drs and naturopaths will happily help you chase whatever you want to chase.
Treatments I have tried:
40 hardshell HBOT sessions + 15 softshell
All of the supplements – too many to list or remember – (60 pills per day ish) – was working with a dietician
Colchicine
Blood letting (500 ml taken per week for 20+ weeks)
Triple anticoagulation therapy (Eloquis, Plavix, Asprin) 8 months – patient of Pierre Kory’s practice for about a year (FLCCC)
Vegan Diet – full vegan, no sugar, no coffee, no gluten, and mostly green veggies for 6 months – extreme anti-inflammatory
LDN
Methalyne Blue
THC
Ivermectin
Nitazoxinide
Creatine
Testosterone
Medical Medium – Celery Juice
Daily Ice baths
Red light therapy
Daily Sauna
Fasting - intermittent and longer 24-72hrs
Polyvagal breathing
Robin Rose’s Spike detox protocol*
*None of the above listed treatments cured my symptoms. The only one that I cant say that 100% for is the Robin Rose spike detox protocol. This is because I started it at the same time as my nervous system work… so it may or may not have had a positive impact. I just cant say for sure because I started both at the same time. Just wanted to include this for full transparency. Here is the link to Robin Rose’s clinic Terrain health if youre interested. https://terrainhealth.org/long-haulers-treatment/
Treatments and lifestyle that I will continue into the future for overall health:
Sauna 4-5x per week – to induce autophagy and general ongoing detox
NAC – I like the brain boost this gives me
Nattokinase – to keep possible microclots under control
Intermittent fasting
Daily 64 oz green smoothie – half fruit half green veggies with beet root powder, seeds, ginger, cardio miracle, baobob powder, and spirulina.
That was a lot … but its been quite the journey and I didn’t want to miss anything. I hope this helps some of you.

Hi amazing teachers,
I'm Keith, and I know transitioning out of education is daunting. You probably feel that switching careers is close to impossible, and you somehow need to figure it out on your own.
Ultimately, however, you know deep in your heart that the current teaching environment is not good for you anymore, and you need to get out. While it is unfortunate for your students, you know that your health and happiness needs to be your top priority.
You deserve a life much better.
(btw, this is a Reddit ad. Bleh!)
It’s June now, and you feel pressured to get a new job quickly before the school year starts.
While you know you need to leave teaching, you are conflicted because you fear of financial instability, lack of good health benefits, and no summers off.
Is a career transition really worth it? Let me tell you…IT IS SO WORTH IT.
Here's a bit about me: I used to be a high school and then higher ed teacher. Ever since I can remember, teaching was my dream. It's embarrassing, but I used to play teacher with all my friends in elementary school. (I can't believe I am sharing this here...)
After graduating college, I quickly got my dream job at a high school. After I started, however, I quickly became jaded by the reality. I was overworked, made a super low income, got so much pushback from kids, parents and administrators for stuff you can only imagine. All of this took a huge toll on my mental health and self esteem.
My breaking point was when I got into a horrible car accident and was admitted to the hospital. I called my principal shortly after getting to the hospital, and his only concern was when I'd return. He said something like “I am sorry about the accident, but remember your students really need you too. I hope your students won’t need to have a sub for too long.”
HE WAS GASLIGHTING ME!
That was my wake-up call.
Like many of you, I feared losing financial stability, summer vacations, and autonomy. I had no clue how to find a job outside teaching. Through a lot of trial and error, however, I finally transitioned to a job at Google, of all places!
Now, I help teachers make the same move I did, but without having to go through the same trial and error.
There are a lot of career coaches for transitioning teachers. But there’s no one like me. Here's why:

• After teaching, I've transitioned into roles at Google, Uber, Meta, DoorDash, and Calibrate. I figured out how to communicate my one-of-a-kind value that no one else has. Not even other teachers.
• I climbed the corporate ladder to become a learning and development leader. Not only do I know what it's like starting in your first role after teaching, but you'll get clear guidance on how to be super successful in the first 90 days of the job—no second-guessing.
• I’ve interviewed over 100 former teachers and hired about 30% of them at big tech companies like Meta, Calibrate and DoorDash. I know exactly what it takes to make the switch and "sell yourself" as the #1 candidate for the role. In other words, they would be dumb not to hire you.
• My first job after teaching, I earned a 61% pay bump. In my most recent role (Head of Learning at DoorDash), I earned more than 7x I did as a teacher. Also, I got unlimited time off, amazing benefits, and great stock options.

My clients say that working with me has helped them no longer second-guess themselves in their career journey and after landing a job. They have all gained so much confidence. They are energized (not depleted) by their job search and new job.
The vast majority of my clients land jobs within 90 days.
You can have the same experience as them.
How? I offer a high-touch career catalyst program that is quite different from others out there. Here's how:

• You get a super structured, 6-step system that has gotten over 40 teachers the career they deserve.
• Daily short, action-focused lessons based on years of research from institutions like Harvard Business School. (btw, I ask that everyone I work with dedicate at least 15 minutes per day to their career shift. Pretty strict about this one.)
• Bi-weekly coaching sessions with me. This is where we'll work together and get super clear on your direction. We'll tailor the program for exactly what you need.

Ready to start?
Schedule a free call with me to see if we're a mutual fit. I only work with 10 clients at a time, and right now I’m taking on 4 more. Click the link in the ad to set up a call, check out my website, and let's get started!
Go to: https://keithand.co/schedule-chat/
Feel free to comment if you have any questions!
Keith
PS: You are amazing and offer so much more than you know. Whether you work with me or not, know that you are capable of wonderful things. You deserve to live the happiest life.

Warning: I am not a technician, programmer, or a cybersecurity expert, I am simply a tech enthusiast who hopes to help people in whatever way possible. So do take my advice with a grain of salt, as what I know may not be 100% true.
Also disclaimer: This post is not to criticize Hak5, O.MG or ridicule their staff, but rather to point out the potential danger posed from anyone who intend to use one of their products for malicious intent. I am sure they mean well, as their products are made to help improve the security of companies and software products.
——————————-
It’s a bit of a rare topic to talk about when it comes to cybersecurity, and I think it deserves more attention, especially since hackers are becoming more clever with hardware.
https://youtu.be/mPF9f-PLDPc?si=NG_MZvUZowT6czQz
I came across this YouTube video by Linus Tech Tips where he talks about a special type of cable known as, O.MG Cables. They sound terrifying because they are replica cables of the ones officially sold for iPhones and Android devices. These cables at first glance look normal and exactly like the ones you’d plug into your phone, but are actually hacking devices. Inside the USB end of the cable is a small, compact Wi-Fi connector that uses the Wi-Fi your device is connected to allow remote access to it. Once plugged in, a hacker immediately has remote access to your phone and it automatically keylogs everything you type, allowing the hacker to read everything you are saying, including in chat messages with other people, and even see your logins and passwords. I’ve been doing research on these things for the past two weeks now, and as a guy who travels a lot, either to college or general public, I even started to wonder if my cables were replaced at some point by somebody unknowingly. It was just simply out of fear and imagination though, and I’m pretty sure they’re still the same cables I’ve always had and used, plus I’m sure I would’ve noticed if somebody replaced them or tapped into my phone, but I am keeping a close eye on my cables from now on. (I mean I’m using my phone to make this post now.)
Now, I want to clarify, what I’m about to say is pretty much already covered in Linus’ and other YouTube videos, but I felt it necessary to spread word with more detail as possible.
Throughout my research, I found out these cables are sold by a company called, Hak5, who sells a bunch of hacking devices to red teams, IT departments, corporations, police departments, government agencies, or people in general to help improve security systems and patch out vulnerabilities in software. This is their website here:
https://shop.hak5.org
No, it’s not some black market scheme; these are legally sold. I know the media usually portrays hacking in a dark tone, whether it’s on a fictional TV show or video game, or news outlets explaining the dangers of hacks, but not all hacks are malicious as the media portrays; as already mentioned, they are sometimes done to help find vulnerabilities to be patched. If you’re into cybersecurity or a tech enthusiast like me, you may have at one point heard of the Wi-Fi Pineapple, a device used to find holes in a public Wi-Fi and eavesdrop on people, or the USB Rubber Ducky, a device made to look like a normal USB Flash Drive is actually a small computer that loads hacking payloads onto PC’s. These are actually products of Hak5. The O.MG Cable basically does the same thing as the Rubber Ducky, but it’s harder to detect since it was mainly made for smartphones, and they’re often detected as keyboard or mouse peripherals, which is usually the method of bypassing. They are indeed intended for smartphones, but in some cases I heard it can also affect computers too.
In case you don’t know what a payload is, it’s basically a script or a piece of code written by a hacker, made to cause the target system to do things without the need of its intended user, such as commanding the computedevice to open the default web browser and immediately go to a malicious website to download malicious files. Another reason why O.MG Cables and their payloads in particular are harder to detect is because the payloads are written in a unique coding language made for the O.MG Cables.
The O.MG Cable isn’t actually made by Hak5, but rather a product they sell in cooperation with another company, that being O.MG. Now I know what some of you iPhone users may be thinking: “what’s the big deal? Just update your iPhone and don’t jailbreak it!” Oh my friend, you have no idea what this thing is capable of. The O.MG Cables are regularly updated, with various updates, and new payloads are shared amongst people who use Hak5 sold products, and O.MG every once in a while releases a new model of O.MG Cables. Just last month, as of the time of this post, they released a new version:
https://youtu.be/TYXeIBhYZrw?si=-nFc1WuDH9Has5Dh
The good thing about cables like these, whether they’re O.MG or generic malicious cables, because there are some that have existed before O.MG ones, is that they are rare, and Hak5 sells O.MG Cables at a minimum of $180 USD. You’re most likely to see one of these things left on the ground at corporate offices or government agencies, where hackers might attempt to breach and obtain vital company or government information by hoping someone working in those fields will pick them up and think they’re benign devices. Now, that doesn’t mean that anybody who has a hold of one of these things won’t try to hack into a random individual’s device.
However, if you are somewhat worried whether or not your USB cables are legit or not, there do exist software and devices that can help you ease your worries, most notably, USB data blockers. These small USB devices were made to block out data transfers but allow power to pass through them, making it safer to even use public chargers that the FBI and other law enforcement agencies keep telling people not to use (though, I personally still wouldn’t trust them anyways). There’s plenty of them out there, but the most popular choices I’ve seen are the following:
-Juice Jack Defender -PortaPow USB Data Blocker -Charger Defender -Gosund USB Data Blocker -USB Condom (Yes, that’s actually its name.) -The Databloc -JSAUX USB Data Blocker
O.MG even made one themselves, because (this may make you chuckle) the wife of the guy who made the O.MG Cables got tired of trying to figure out which cables they had in their home were O.MG Cables, and which ones were genuine charger cords. According to the webpage on Hak5 and O.MG’s instruction manual for the product, this not only blocks data, but also there’s an LED indicator to alert the user that the Cable is attempting to connect to Wi-Fi or perform actions other than charging, so good thing they made such a product:
https://shop.hak5.org/products/malicious-cable-detector-by-o-mg
If you’re wondering whether or not your cable may be malicious, and for some reason you cannot get ahold of a device or software that can help you find out, here are some things and some signs to know if your phone is hacked, especially by one of these:

1. You may already know this one, but one of the first well known obvious signs is that your battery is draining fast. This is because your phone or device is being forced to do extra work so that the hacker maintains access to your phone.
   
2. Another well known and obvious sign is that your device is heating up even without you using it. This ties in with #1, where the device is doing extra work to keep the hacker connected.
   
3. Your web browser suddenly opens a web page you didn’t even intend to open. The keyboard is also acting on its own to make this happen.
   
4. Your device suddenly installs an app that you don’t even remember installing.
   
5. Probably the scariest one, is that your device suddenly sends texts or messages to others you don’t remember sending or the phone suddenly takes a photo from the camera or screenshot of what’s currently on the screen and immediately sends it to an unknown contact.
   
6. If you’re using an iPhone, it should be un-jailbroken. Being jailbroken means that your iPhone can download unauthorized apps and run files that are not approved by Apple and published in the AppStore. Apple keeps the iPhone un-jailbroken and sandboxed to ensure the safety of the user and to make sure iOS is as secure as possible, and the only software that you can download to your iPhone are the ones approved by Apple. If you find that your iPhone is jailbroken and you did not intend for this to happen, this means a hacker had somehow tapped into your phone and uploaded malicious code to jailbreak itself, so that the hacker could do more damage to it by making it download unauthorized files.
   

Note: 3,4, and 5 are signs that payloads were executed onto your device. As mentioned before, these are scripts or at least, pieces of code that were unknowingly sent by the hacker and executed so that the device performs actions that were not intended by the user and could most definitely be an indication that something you plugged into your phone is malicious.
These are some of the more well known signs of malware or hacks present on your device, and it may be best to check and see if your cable or whatever you may connect to it may be responsible. But what should you do if you believe the cable you currently hold is malicious? Here’s some steps I came up with:

1. Throw it away, or if possible, turn it in to police department. Throwing it away may sometimes or most times be the better, time saving option because oftentimes, a malicious cable has a self-destruct feature. Don’t worry, I do not mean it’ll blow up and cause physical harm to you. What this means is that the hacker can put in a command that’ll tell the cable’s computer components to delete everything it may have stored onto itself and fry the electronics, turning it into a normal charging cable and leaving no traces in the code as to who was hacking you. The hacker no longer has access to your device or can control the cable afterwards, but you should still throw what’s left in the cable away even if they could or did self-destruct it. So, when throwing it away, and I recommend wearing rubbenon-conductive gloves if you feel the need to do this, cut the wire in half or in pieces with a pair of scissors, flush cutter, or a knife and dismantle the connectors on both ends, the USB connector and the lightning/USB-C connector; this can be done by either crushing the shell and pulling the components apart with some strong pliers, or, and a bit of a dangerous method, smash it with a hammer. I don’t recommend the latter though, as the internal pieces could go scattering and end up somewhere you can’t find or get to them. If you can and it’s recommended anyway, dispose of the now dismantled cable in an e-waste bin. The reason we want to tear it up like this is so nobody else falls victim to the cable.
   
2. Replace your wire with an official wire from retail, such as Best Buy, Walmart, or even an Apple Store, or a phone service store like T-Mobile, Verizon, etc. Don’t buy a cable off of eBay, since most of the times, those are just random sellers who are not affiliated with a business and there’s a chance they might have tampered with it in some way and secretly turned it into a malicious cable (unless of course for whatever reason, you have a really old iPhone model that requires the old bulky connector). If you intend to buy a third-party cable online, especially from Amazon, do research first, see what people say about the particular cable you are about to buy whether it’s YouTube reviews or reviews on Amazon. I don’t know anything about Android cables unfortunately since I’ve never owned an Android phone, but for iPhones, definitely look for a cable that’s MFI Certified. MFI Certified means that the cable/product was checked and verified by Apple themselves and they confirmed it safe to use.
   
3. Factory Reset or download an AV app for your device if the hacks and possible malware continue to persist, even with the cable gone. If you have an Android phone, it’s definitely possible to download an AV off of the Google Store. Definitely find one with good detection rates and a firewall. I usually recommend the following for computer users and they could be just as good on Android if they are available: Bitdefender, Kaspersky, ESET, Malwarebytes, and Sophos. For iPhone users, I hate to say it, but you’re most likely going to have to backup and factory reset your iPhone. Because of the nature of the iPhone and Apple’s strict policy and sandboxing doesn’t allow true antivirus software onto iPhone. You’ll see many AV companies make apps for iPhone, but these are mostly jailbreak checkers and VPNs. Factory resetting is usually the way most iPhone users go to remove malware, hacks, payloads, and even reverse jailbreaks on an iPhone. Even then, Apple usually does great job at patching security exploits, so if you don’t want to do the factory reset, try checking for updates for iOS or simply turning off and on your iPhone again to see if that removes any problems first.
   
4. Lastly, and very simple. Keep your device’s OS and apps up to date. Especially if there’s a major update, download and install it. Consider a VPN for extra security if you feel the need.
   

If the steps above don’t work, it’s probably best to go see a cybersecurity or computer expert. At the very least, you should definitely change any the passwords and set up 2-Factor Authenticators for any and all accounts that were logged in onto your device through a non-compromised one. Also, if you must borrow a USB cable from someone, borrow it from someone you trust, and not just anyone.
That’s all I have to say for this post. I simply wanted to bring attention to malicious USB charging cables and give out some tips on whenever and if ever you came across one and you may have infected your smartphone device with one of these. I’m sure Hak5 and O.MG mean well, since their products are mainly done to pentest security systems and seek out vulnerabilities to help companies and people patch up their systems. The O.MG Cables have been around for some time, about four years now, they even come in different models that aren’t smartphone replicas, such as a USB to USB-C adapter, though the smartphone replicas are much more prevelent. While it is a bit rare to see a hardware based attack these days with tight security amongst corporations, and people being more weary of their surroundings, I still felt it necessary to make this post, and I hope it does potentially help someone in the future.

This movement has fallen victim to the same shit all these fucking movements do. The E-celeb cock train comes along and everyone wants more views. People worshipping youtubers and fighting over stuff. Youtubers doing the bare minimum and repeating the same stuff we heard already. The only ones who have even done anything remotely relevant are Zesty. (Shounic made a decent video also to be fair).
But also, this reddit community is shameful. I mean this in the harshest way possible; grow the fuck up. This subreddit for one of my favourite games has been embarrassing to watch. People.spamming the same posts over and over again for one. Suggestions from young below 18 children who shouldn't be fucking playing tf2 and were probably born after it released.
I've seen people suggest legit doxing the hosters - Okay, fuck your entire life over a video game. Doxxing ang hacking are serious crimes and not just a thing people casually do. Even if bot hosters are doing it, chances are you'd be the one to get fucked - they get away with it cause they live in countries that don't care. You live in one that probably does. Legal action was also a suggestion - go ahead, Try challenging a massive corporation ration in court. Hell, people suggesting we review bomb other games (which are obviously trolls, for the record) which half the fanbase go along with. This is an easy way to get us hated. Or we can post another thing about how we can boycott steam. Yeah, you can try but 1) You aren't even half a percent of valve's income and 2) Valve will just shut the game down anyway if profits drop.
"But ohhhh the items wahh we invested so much!!!!" Here's a newsflash; Digital Items, you don't own. Same with digital steam games, shit like that. It's all owned by Valve and THEY decide when it's not available no more. Valve won't care, most people won't care. Look up some of the debates around physical media and preservation - digital content CAN and WILL be taken from you when it's convenient
I get that most of you are below 18 with no life experience, but come the fuck on. The embarrasment and lack of common sense is atrocious.

I broke up with my gf of 2 and a half months ago couple days ago. While I think she’s a great person and she deserves the world, I felt like we were too different. We had many arguments over the most basic miscommunication. As in I would say something I thought was normal but would instantly start an argument. I also felt like she didn’t care about quite a few of my hobbies. One thing that was particularly important to me was just kinda being able to talk about crazy stuff, like conspiracy stories, the universe, religion, etc. I think they are fun topics and you get to know a lot about a person through those kind of things but she basically never showed interest in them. She was also a very indecisive person answering a lot of questions with I don’t know. We also had a lot of arguments that ended in “I don’t know what you want me to say” which I felt like is a result of us being so different that there wasn’t a compromise that would work for the both of us. Along with all of this there were some other things, but again it’s not like she’s a bad person. She was just different than me and I felt like we didn’t click. There wasn’t any hatred or ill will towards each other. But I ultimately felt like even though the relationship had great parts and was pretty good when we were together, I didn’t think it would workout long term. So while I still loved and cared for her I felt like the best path was to go our separate ways. As we are both at home for the summer after college I had to break up over FaceTime. That’s not my preferred way but I didn’t want her to drive 5 hrs to where I am on a preplanned trip just to get broken up with. I did the break up as nicely as I can but for her it came from no where. I got the idea that a vast majority of her needs were met and it was mine that weren’t. Obviously I broke her heart and put her in a worse spot when she’s already dealing with a lot and I feel so awful about it. She kept trying to contact me and beg for another chance and she told me a bunch of stuff. Things about how she was actually making an effort to fix my needs. That she was realizing that she was putting a lot of pressure on me to make her happy and that my needs weren’t being met. And i know that she would do everything in her power to fight for us. I however, didn’t think it would be worth it as I just didn’t see as compatible long term. I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship where I got broken up with. I started dating my ex around 4-5 months after that relationship. The point I’m at now is it’s been 3 days since the break up. I’ve decided to block her because when I was in her spot my other ex choose to keep me there for emotional support basically. And that killed me and just made my pain last longer so I choose to block her on everything. I’ve gotten 4 no caller id phones calls that hang up relatively fast and then I got three texts from one of her friends. The text was essentially calling me out on how I broke a beautiful girl and how could I do this. And that my ex wishes the best for me but I ( the friend who sent the text ) want you to feel guilty. And that’s the thing. I feel so fucking guilty. The guilt is eating me alive. I’m having trouble sleeping but I still feel like I made the right choice. Bc in the friends text they said that my ex will find someone where she’ll be the best wife to and do everything for that person. And that’s exactly what I want for her I just know I’m not the person that’s gonna be able to give that back to her. I understand that my ex and her friend may not see that but my intentions were never to break her heart for no reason. I want her to be happy. Like I said she deserves the world, I’m just not able to give it to her. But idk how to deal with this guilt at the moment and I keep getting calls. I want to answer but I recognize there’s no point in answering. It would prolong both of our pain. Any advice on this situation would be amazing

I wanted to share my recovery experience in case it can help anyone. I am on my 3rd month of no symptoms and I am working out daily. Running, mountain biking, racquetball, lifting… all of it.
History: Got my Pfizer booster on 12/28/21 and started having chest pain a few hours later and its been on and off ever since. (Until a few months ago). Sometimes sharp, sometimes burning, sometimes aching, and moves around the left side of my chest .. there were ups and downs .. went on disability for 5 months ... you know the story, similar to many others. Too much physical activity or stress would usually trigger symptoms. It would usually be a few days of feeling ok … then 1-3 months of pain. Officially diagnosed with pericarditis a couple months after the jab. Other symptoms included hair loss, anxiety, gut issues, tinnitus, leg pain, and muscle twitches.
After 2.5 years of being obsessed with this I have come to believe that there are 4 camps of people:
Camp 1 – No reaction
Folks in this camp were vaccinated and had no reaction and are seemingly just fine.
Camp 2 - Acute reaction
Folks in this camp had an immediate reaction to the vax. Everything from hives to heart attack. And if you survived, your issues resolved rather quickly.
Camp 3 – Ongoing reaction /diagnosed serious issues
Folks in this camp have serious diagnosed issues and known tissue damage or degeneration. Cancer, kidney failure, heart failure, degenerative diseases, and other serious diagnosed issues .. etc.
Camp 4 – Initial reaction that became perpetuated by the nervous system aka (MECFS / TMS / neuroplastic pain)
Folks in this camp had an initial reaction (hours to weeks) after the vax and have a huge list of possible symptoms. But most testing is coming back normal and nothing very serious is diagnosed. It is my belief that for people in this camp there was some reaction, inflammation, or tissue damage that caused symptoms initially. Then over time that damage healed and those symptoms were LEARNED and PERPETUATED by the nervous system. I think most folks with ongoing issues are probably in this camp. And this goes for vax injury and Long Covid.

I believe that I am in camp 4 and here are the main reasons why:

1. My pain is inconsistent – different sensations and inconsistent behavior and location
2. My pain can be triggered by mental stress
3. My pain typically comes AFTER physical exertion … not during
4. My pain does not always come after physical exertion
5. My pain sometimes comes with no obvious trigger.
6. No structural or tissue damage has been found in testing
7. If my pain was caused by tissue damage, it would not act the way it does in reasons 1-5
8. During the moments when I felt good, where was the spike, the inflammation, the vascular damage, or the microclots?
9. I have a type A personality – Type A is much more predisposed to neuroplastic pain

If you are interested there is a great self-assessment you can do to see if your symptoms fit in this category. Here is the link. https://www.danbuglio.com/paintest
Other evidence supporting Camp 4:

1. The nervous system can cause inflammatory markers and increased blood coagulability even in the absence of tissue damage and here are the studies. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1155/2014/780616?flavor=mobileapp. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2629605/?flavor=mobileapp
2. There is strong evidence that Long vax aka vaccine injury is basically the same as Long Covid which is basically the same as MECFS/post viral syndrome and here is the study. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10278546/
3. The nervous system can cause basically ANY symptom or sensation.
4. 200+ symptoms are possible in long Covid and vax injury in basically every area in the body. Does it make more sense that there are that many different modes of impact … or that the root of the problem is just the nervous system?
5. Mounting recovery stories from both Long Covid and Vaccine injury that are rooted in addressing the nervous system. There are several great YouTube channels (listed below) full of great recovery stories and other related information and advice.

Raelan Agle - https://www.youtube.com/c/RaelanAgle
Pain Free You - https://www.youtube.com/@PainFreeYou
Rebecca Tolin - https://www.youtube.com/@rebeccatolinmind-bodycoach
Mindful Gardener - https://www.youtube.com/@mindfulgardener5039
The Probable Solution for Camp 4:
So if you are in camp 4, how do you rewire your nervous system? Well basically it comes down to fear and belief. As long as you continue to believe your symptoms are being caused by some underlying issue like tissue damage, your autonomic nervous system is validated and will continue to create the symptoms. The more you fear your symptoms, and worry about them, and research them, and try to treat them with external modalities, the more you enable what your nervous system is doing and it will continue to perpetuate them. So the answer basically comes down to 3 steps.

1. Recognize what is actually going on and KNOW it – regardless of how you feel
2. Remove the fear and worry response. Stop catastrophizing and trying to fix your body. The body is not the issue.
3. Slowly reintroduce yourself to your triggers through a lens of safety and over time your nervous system will get the hint.

I have heavily simplified the process with those three steps which is why I recommend that you check out the YouTube channels and books I have listed. Also, Its important to know that the rewiring of your nervous system is not a linear process. You will most likely have symptoms and flares … it’s a process and everyone has a different starting point and symptom severity. But there are several online support groups and courses that can walk you through the process. I enrolled in one by a Dr named Becca Kennedy. She is an MD and has successfully treated dozens of folks with long covid and vax injury using this methodology. She offers an 8 week live course online and is very responsive to any and all questions through an ongoing chat. Here is a link to her site. https://resilience-healthcare.com/ And here is a link to the first module of her class. Maybe watch it and see if it resonates with you. https://youtu.be/Mn1BQ7Ub2ig?si=-ulJwdzORaEgPjMb
For me personally, I began working on my nervous system in January of this year. And ever since then I have progressively improved. All the way to the point where I started to flirt with exercise 2 months ago. Just pushups and situps in the beginning. Then about 5 weeks ago, I started some short jogs .. half walk half jogging. I triggered some symptoms initially and some baby flares but I confronted them differently in my mind and actions… then fast forward to today and I just finished my fifth day in a row of running 3 miles .. no walking. And no real symptom triggers and no flares.
Its been two years but But my legs hurt so good! And look, i might have a flare down the road .. but I think I know whats going on now and i know how to address it… so bring it on.
Books I recommend:
I recommend all of these books. But if you only read one, read The Way Out by Alan Gordon
The Way Out – Alan Gordon
Mind over Medicine – Lissa Rankin
You are the Placebo – Joe Dispenza
How Your Body Can Heal Your Mind – David Hamilton
The Obstacle is the Way – Ryan Holiday

Testing: I got pretty much every heart test and blood test you can get done besides an MRI – multiple cardiac stress tests, EKGs, vascular CT scan all were normal. I also had the IncellDx cytokine panel done and multiple microclot tests done. I did have some abnormal tests that are listed below.
VEGF – high
SCD40L - high
Ferritin – very high*
Micro clot – 3.5/4 (high)*
Spike antibodies – high ~ 15000
EBV – positive
Mold Igg – high
TGFBeta – high
*note on the ferritin – normal values are between 50-400 ng/mL and at the highest I was at 1700 ng/mL. I have since been diagnosed with hemochromatosis (I hold too much iron) and basically I have to give some blood every few months to keep it in check… im not totally sure what to think about this yet but I think maybe the vaccine turned this on in me somehow .. but im not sure yet. Either way its not a huge deal.
*note on the microclots. After 8 months of anticoagulants my microclots came down to 2/4 (normal) … but my symptoms remained. I am not sure what to think about the whole microclot issue because once mine were within the normal range, my symptoms remained. So while I don’t think they are good and should probably be addressed, I also don’t think they are at the root of most folks symptoms.
The more testing you do .. the more likely you are going to find something to fixate on .. for me is was ferritn, then VEGF, then mold, then EBV, then spike antibodies, then microclots. And based on what I’ve seen, the more testing people do, the more lost and stressed they become. Chasing stuff that isn’t really a big deal or isn’t really at the root of their symptoms.. This can be difficult to get away from because functional Drs and naturopaths will happily help you chase whatever you want to chase.
Treatments I have tried:
40 hardshell HBOT sessions + 15 softshell
All of the supplements – too many to list or remember – (60 pills per day ish) – was working with a dietician
Colchicine
Blood letting (500 ml taken per week for 20+ weeks)
Triple anticoagulation therapy (Eloquis, Plavix, Asprin) 8 months – patient of Pierre Kory’s practice for about a year (FLCCC)
Vegan Diet – full vegan, no sugar, no coffee, no gluten, and mostly green veggies for 6 months – extreme anti-inflammatory
LDN
Methalyne Blue
THC
Ivermectin
Nitazoxinide
Creatine
Testosterone
Medical Medium – Celery Juice
Daily Ice baths
Red light therapy
Daily Sauna
Fasting - intermittent and longer 24-72hrs
Polyvagal breathing
Robin Rose’s Spike detox protocol*
*None of the above listed treatments cured my symptoms. The only one that I cant say that 100% for is the Robin Rose spike detox protocol. This is because I started it at the same time as my nervous system work… so it may or may not have had a positive impact. I just cant say for sure because I started both at the same time. Just wanted to include this for full transparency. Here is the link to Robin Rose’s clinic Terrain health if your interested. https://terrainhealth.org/long-haulers-treatment/
Treatments and lifestyle that I will continue into the future for overall health:
Sauna 4-5x per week – to induce autophagy and general ongoing detox
NAC – I like the brain boost this gives me
Nattokinase – to keep possible microclots under control
Intermittent fasting
Daily 64 oz green smoothie – half fruit half green veggies with beet root powder, seeds, ginger, cardio miracle, baobob powder, and spirulina.
That was a lot … but its been quite the journey and I didn’t want to miss anything. I hope this helps some of you.

Chapter 125
The mood in the VIP box was tense. Lord Gairon’s team had suffered at the hands of the Imperial Academy team. Even the theoretically unfavorable matchups ended up with the cadets winning. By the end of the bracket, the cadets had won the four combats and were more than twenty points ahead of their rivals. Prince Adrien drank from his cup with a neutral expression. I didn’t get why he wasn’t happier with the result. If Prince Adrien wanted to project a strong armed force with serious odds of completing the Farlands Campaign, he was doing a great job.
The skills of the Imperial Cadets weren’t good news for us.
“This is bad,” I muttered.
“Aren’t we on the same team?” Elincia whispered back.
“The Marquis promised me to make me a noble if we won the tournament.”
“Oh.”
The Marquis had deceived me. I was confident in my kids' skills, but the cadets were on a completely different level; even the worst professional players were better than the best amateurs. When the Marquis offered me the deal, he must’ve known about the cadet’s team. He never intended to make me a noble; he just used that offer to gain my trust.
I swallowed my rage as Sir Janus’ suspicions echoed louder in my ears. The Marquis wasn’t trustworthy. I needed to take the initiative and find protection elsewhere, but the orphanage had little to offer in its current state. There were several high-level alchemists in the kingdom, my ideas for crafting required lots of development still, and I wasn’t going to reveal my Runeweaving skills to the world.
My only available card was my skill as a teacher.
“May I ask a question, Your Majesty?” I asked. Prince Adrien nodded. “If the royal family is aware of the ‘cultivation’ method, why hasn't it become widespread?”
“Diminishing returns,” Prince Adrien replied without skipping a beat. “This method works only on people with a certain mindset and becomes less effective as time passes. The Harpy Cadet will have a great advantage against rivals of similar levels due to her Lv.5 [Spear Mastery]. However, it’s harder to make the jump between Lv.5 and Lv.6 than starting at Lv.1 and reaching Lv.5. In ten or fifteen years, the Harpy will be a Lv.40 Sentinel with Lv.6 [Spear Mastery], and Esteffen Gairon will be Lv. 40 Knight with Lv.5 [Swordsmanship]. By then, the difference in passives will be either negligible or covered by a movement or control skill.”
I understood. The same ‘problem’ applied to life back on Earth, if it could be called a problem at all. Progress wasn’t linear; there were bumps, roadblocks, and breakthroughs. It usually went fast at first, just to slow down. The higher a person's skill level, the more challenging it was to keep improving.
Prince Adrien pointed with his cup at the pavilion. “In the long run, the result will be almost the same. Most of the kids you see down there will reach high levels and their respective soft caps, even if they take half a decade more. Noble families will spend fortunes on enchanted items to help their heirs level up. We spend money searching for the best candidates.”
“This is a game of efficiency, then?”
I recalled big sports teams buying smaller ones just to have a wider range of scouts. As unexpected as it was, it seemed that looking for the next wonderkid was a thing in this world, too.
“Efficiency is part of our vision. Imperial Knights are ahead of the wave in terms of levels and skills, even if the System slows them down as they reach greater heights. They are better warriors sooner in their lives. But that’s not all. The Imperial Academy is also a sieve,” Prince Adrien explained. “Did you know you can harvest iron from a river?”
I nodded. “Yes, I have seen people making tools from iron sand.”
I didn’t mention I saw it in a video on the Internet.
“The Academy serves to separate the iron from the mud, but, on rare occasions, we find something even more valuable. A small gold nugget,” Prince Adrien said, flicking his silver and golden cup with his finger and producing a clean sound. “There are different kinds of geniuses in the world, Robert. One of these gold nuggets is worth a hundredweight of iron sand. The rules of the System do not bind them so easily. They can reach heights the rest can only dream of. I’m talking about level sixty and beyond.”
I had to agree with the Prince. Occasionally, among the sea of great scientists, artists, and athletes, one who broke the mold and challenged the fabric of our scientific or artistic understanding appeared. However, my work as a teacher wasn’t centered on finding these elusive geniuses but on taking every kid, no matter their background, and bringing out the best in them.
No good teacher would ever see their students in terms of mud and iron, yet an idea popped into my mind.
“Would you believe me if I say I can turn mud into iron?” I said. It felt terrible in my mouth to compare kids to mud, but to secure the future of the orphanage; I’d rather be persuasive than ethically correct.
Prince Adrien shifted his focus to me, suddenly interested in the conversation. With a hand movement, the prince called his sommelier and whispered something to his ear. A moment later, I saw magic surging from the old man’s chest, and I felt as if the air pressure changed.
“That would muffle your conversation just enough not to draw attention, Sir and Madam,” the old sommelier said before returning to the background.
Prince Adrien grinned.
“Turning mud into iron would be an interesting idea. Mud is plenty and useless, but a cart of iron is more valuable than a single gold nugget,” Prince Adrien said. “If we can produce iron, the kingdom would benefit greatly.”
I took that as my cue to explain myself.
“Mister Lowell, the orphanage's founder, believed such transformation could be done, and I commune with the same idea. The commoner schools in my country are not meant to find geniuses but to help with every student's personal development,” I explained, channeling my mana and projecting a small illusion of my old school.
Hundreds, if not thousands, of kids walked through the corridors, jumping from classroom to classroom. The band was playing in the auditorium, the sports teams were practicing in the field, the student newspaper was having an editorial reunion, and the art club was painting with watercolors. I tried to condense everything into a single snapshot.
Prince Adrien blinked in disbelief. Illusions were a great way to catch people off guard, but in the end, it was all a mirage, and Prince Adrien wasn’t a bumpkin I could convince with mere fantasies from my mind. I needed solid proof that my methods worked.
“Preceptor Holst previously trained the kids of the orphanage, yet he excluded Ilya from practice sessions because of her physique and believed Zaon would be a Soldier at most,” I said, measuring my words. “I’m not saying Preceptor Holst’s assessment was wrong. I’m saying that in six months, I turned a potential Mender and a Soldier into this. Imagine what I could do in four years.”
Or at least I helped them to reach their current skill.
Prince Adrien closed his eyes as if he were making mental calculations. “I am inclined to believe you, Robert, yet it sounds too good to be true. History has proven that we can’t escape from the System designs.”
Before I could add anything else to my defense, Prince Adrien called the sommelier and whispered something to his ear. Then, the man entered the arena and exchanged a word with the Master of Ceremonies, who walked fast into the participants’ pavilion.
“Wouldn’t you mind if I ask Preceptor Holst some questions to verify your story?” Prince Adrien asked.
Blood turned into ice crystals inside my veins. Elincia, who had been silently listening to our conversation, buried her nails into my arm. This was terrible news. Nobody wanted to admit their mistakes in front of their superiors. Holst could say we were wrong, that he saw Zaon and Ilya’s potential from the beginning, and whether I liked it or not, he had way more credibility than Elincia and me combined.
“Did you want to see me, Your Highness?” Holst greeted with a deep bow.
Prince Adrien jumped directly to the matter. “Did you teach at the Lowell’s orphanage before becoming a Preceptor for the Imperial Academy?”
Holst looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, Your Highness,” he replied. “I taught at the local orphanage for a year or so.”
“Did you teach the kids participating today in the tournament?”
“Yes, I did,” Holst replied, giving me a knowing glance.
“What was your assessment of their abilities by the time you left Farcrest?”
Elinica squeezed my arm, and I felt an iron ball where my stomach was supposed to be. Prince Adrien viewed me positively, but that could change if he believed I lied to take advantage of him. I shuddered at the imagination of the consequences.
Holst remained unfazed.
“Firana Aias showed great potential and eagerness to progress, a good candidate for the Imperial Academy if her obligations as the head of her family wouldn’t prevent her from assisting,” Holst said with a calm, almost robotic, voice. “I deemed Ilya unfit to partake in my lessons, and I predicted she would become a lowly Class such as a Mender or a Farmer. Similarly, Zaon didn’t show the ability, potential, or character to become anything other than a Soldier or an Archer. Although naturally strong, Wolf seemed too prone to participate in his orcish heritage. Like many other half-orcs, he will reject the System and return to the tribes. That was my appraisal as I left the city by the end of summer.”
If Holst had appeared dressed as a cheerleader, it wouldn’t have surprised me as much as his words.
“Are you aware one of the skills required to become a Preceptor is to measure the aptitude of potential cadets?” Prince Adrien asked, drilling him with his dark brown eyes.
“I’m aware that’s part of the job description,” Holst calmly replied. “I don’t think I was wrong with my assessment. Zaon was painfully ordinary, and the gnome lacked any redeeming qualities to become a potential Imperial Cadet.”
The sheer effort it took me to accept what my ears heard almost made my brain implode.
“Are you aware Zaon dominated his match despite being classless, and Ilya won against a rival twice her weight, right?” Prince Adrien asked. “This is a major oversight.”
It didn’t go unnoticed to me that Prince Adrien seemed to suspect Holst despite his position within the Imperial Academy.
“With all due respect, Your Highness. You asked me about my assessment by the time I left the city, and my assessment was that. Other than Firana, the orphans were as unremarkable as any other urchin from the frontier,” Holst said with a self-sufficient tone. “If you want my current assessment, I’d say Firana and Zaon are serious candidates for the Imperial Academy. I’d also advise the Marquis to integrate Ilya and Wolf to the Sentinels as soon as possible.”
Silence fell upon us. Elincia’s nails hurt my arm even through the padded fabric of the fencing uniform.
“Thanks for your input, Preceptor Holst,” Prince Adrien said, dismissing him with a hand movement.
Holst bowed and turned around without saying anything else. An instant later, Elincia whispered something to my ear; however, my mind was in a rush. Another piece of the puzzle fell into place. Holst risked his position in the Imperial Academy, in front of no other than the crowned prince, without batting an eye. It would’ve been easier to lie and say he played an essential role in educating the kids, but he didn’t.
Holst might be an awful teacher and a worse human being, but he wasn’t a liar, which opened up interesting possibilities. If there was a way around the Silence Hex, I could get the truth about the attacks on the orphanage out of Holst. That information alone wouldn’t save us, but maybe if I managed to get the Prince’s support, I would have enough leverage to get justice.
“Noble families usually offer me expensive gifts and outlandish feasts. On the other hand, you first offered me a man who can turn antidotes into deadly poisons, and now you offer me a method to turn mud into iron,” Prince Adrien smiled, signaling the sommelier to refill his cup. He took a long sip and seemed to enjoy the taste for the first time in the day. “You are a strange man, Robert Clarke.”
I feared Prince Adrien was getting an incorrect reading of my offering. There wasn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to education. No school was perfect, and researchers still devoted their lives to discovering and developing the best educational practices.
“I must point out that my methods have limitations, Your Highness. My current group has worked well under my guidance because of the discipline Mister Lowell and Elincia had been inculcating in the kids,” I pointed out as the silence extended.
“I understand. Imperial Cadets don’t graduate overnight either, and many don’t make it to the end,” Prince Adrien replied, pointing at the cadets resting in the pavilion.
I nodded, relieved. Nobility wasn’t particularly known for their patience, but Prince Adrien seemed to understand that certain processes took time. I couldn’t help but smile. I had met parents and government workers a hundred times more overbearing than him, and without a drop of royal blood despite what they liked to believe.
“I’m comfortable teaching four classes of up to thirty kids each, but the orphanage would need renovations to sustain that amount of students…” I started saying, but the Prince shook his head and stopped me.
“That’s too much,” he said, lowering his voice. “Each year, the Imperial Academy accepts between thirty and fifty students depending on the quality of the applicants. Even if ten of your kids are accepted each year, it would create a ripple that other nobles could trace back to you. People will ask why so many students come from the same Fencing Academy, and you’ll be in the eye of the hurricane.”
I didn’t want to put the orphanage in that situation. Announcing there was a gold mine in your house's backyard wasn’t a particularly brilliant move. After my conversation with Sir Janus, my trust for nobles was tunneling into the floor, but the Prince understood something basic that many others ignored. The outcome of a game was more profitable in the long run when both parties benefited.
“I'd rather keep the orphanage away from politics,” I said.
“Good. I will announce that the royal family will become the patrons of the orphanage, which will come with a small salary for you and Elincia. Nobles always do this to gain popularity among commoners so nobody will suspect anything,” the Prince smiled.
The money wasn’t the important part. A royal sponsorship would keep anyone lesser than a duke from harming the orphanage.
“What should I do in return?” I asked.
“Don’t take a hundred apprentices until I figure a way to ‘cadet’ launder your students into the Academy without alerting the big houses. Even if the System leverages the terrain in the long run, Imperial Knights always have an edge,” Prince Adrien said as the Master of Ceremonies announced the end of the first day of combat. “When I come up with something, we will escalate your school into what you show me with your illusions. Of course, the benefits will be shared accordingly. Do we have a deal? Robert? Elincia?”
Elincia fought to find the words. I could feel her sweaty hands and her face blush with excitement. Imperial Knight was the highest rank a commoner could achieve in the Kingdom of Ebros. Sir Janus could even smack the ass of a baronet with his sword without legal repercussions.
“Your Majesty is too kind. I accept the deal,” Elincia said with a bow.
Prince Adrien looked at me, but I couldn’t accept it yet.
“I have one last requirement.”
Elincia instantly slapped my shoulder, but I ignored her.
“I will not force any of my students to get a Combatant Class, nor should I force them to apply for the exams,” I said.
Prince Adrien rose from his throne, glaring at me. I could almost see an immense storm of mana brewing in his chest. However, the vision lasted only a second. My throat was dry.
“Do you think anyone will refuse to become an Imperial Knight?” He asked with his usual nonchalant tone. Between living under the thumb of nobility and being a free citizen, there was hardly a choice.
“I do believe becoming an Imperial Knight will ensure a good future for my kids, but I will not force them to choose that route,” I said. “If they want to become a Scholar like me, I will allow it.”
Prince Adrien stifled a laugh.
“Then we have a deal, Robert Clarke.”
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Posted this on musicians but I’m also posting here because it would be cool to get a non-musician perspective.
Hey guys. Throwaway account because I need advice on a big decision. I just finished my first year at Juilliard (classical music undergrad) and I’m debating transferring. After this year I’m so burnt out and feel like I’ve lost my passion for music. I took over a month off from practicing, barely made progress during the school year, and was diagnosed with depression in May (now being treated and improving). I can’t say I really missed playing my instrument during that month, and it’s been a slow start getting back into a practice routine.
I don’t have many interests outside of music. I used to want to be a vet, and started to think about that again, but this week found out I’m mildly allergic to cats and dogs (yay!). I also used to love writing stories, high school sort of ruined that for me but I think the spark might still be there. I’m decent at writing/singing songs, artwork, and I love analyzing movies/video editing. Getting involved in the film industry is interesting to me but I have no idea where I’d start. Unfortunately most of those have just as bad career prospects as classical music and I have much less experience in all of them, so pursuing anything like that is very risky.
I’m good at academics (graduated top of my class) but never liked them very much. The past few years have been spent mainly focusing on music. So I’m pretty much at a loss right now. I have a few options so I guess I’ll just list them below.

1. Stay at Juilliard. I might suddenly regain my passion and this is the best place for me to be if I do music. I’ve quit before and restarted three years ago so it wouldn’t be the first time. This would also give me the option to apply to unrelated grad programs or med/law school if I don’t want to continue with music, as many schools accept Juilliard students as long as they have required prereqs and experience.
   
2. Go to Juilliard next year but also apply to other schools as a transfer. This would be a lot of pressure as next semester I’ll have multiple jobs and a packed schedule. I’m not sure if I can handle it, but it would give me the option to decide what to do without losing a year if I ultimately stay.
   
3. Take a gap year. This would give me the year to regroup, work to make some money, and figure out what I want to do. I could apply to other schools and explore some passions/opportunities near home that don’t relate to music. If at the end I want to stay at Juilliard, I still can without consequences.
   
4. Just fucking drop out and quit (sorry I’m just so tired right now)
   

If I did transfer, I could try pursuing another passion like non-classical music or film, or get a normal stem or liberal arts degree to have better career prospects.
Money also plays a factor. I’m on a half scholarship right now but it’s still a burden especially considering how much the tuition is rising in the next three years. My parents are of retirement age but still working to help pay for my education. Last year I was accepted to every other school I applied to on full or nearly full scholarship, but there is no guarantee that I’d receive the same money if I applied again. My parents are fine with continuing to help out with Juilliard tuition, but only if it’s where I really want to be and work hard there. The depression adds another complication, because I’m not sure if my feelings are caused by this or unfulfillment with music. It started this school year and still is an issue, though it’s been better since school ended and I went on meds.
If you got this far, thanks for reading! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Tl/dr: I’m burnt out from studying classical music at Juilliard and want advice on whether to stay or transfer and do something else.

Earlier this year, it was stated that UNIS will release 3 mini albums and perhaps some solo music for some members.
Album #1 - We UNIS
The first album was UNIS introductory. As discussed by my previous analysis, the songs explore the feelings of uncertainty but gaining confidence over time. The album ended with Dream of Girls. In my opinion, there is still uncertainty in the girls' hearts but there's hope.
Album #2 - UNKOWN - July - August Release
If we follow the theory that UNIS are girls' from other planets or universes (which is my favorite theory), I think Album #2 would be a good story line for exploring Earth and our world. Assuming there are 4 songs to the album, this may be the template:
Song 1 - The title track. I'm unsure what vibe they'll carry along. But if FnF plays to the strength of the girls and takes into account their dynamics, perhaps this would be a refreshing theme. Think about summer. They can sing about the friendships and bonds they made. What's more, summer is the perfect time to explore earth.
Song 2, 3, 4 - All of which are up in the air. However, I believe CAMERA will be one of these songs.
If we look at the lyrics, we can easily notice how this is a song about capturing moments. For me, this song is difficult to analyze. It presents A LOT of imagery. This song can easily have an MV as well as a really catchy dance sequence. This song is the perfect set-up for them playing around and having fun!
"Capture our story now Now watch me I'll go ride up It's just the beginning,"
UNIS is still brand new and it's still the beginning of their journey. The lyrics still point to a new beginning. Lastly, the main reason I believe this song will be published in the album is because of this:
"Blooming eight-light prism," the song references to the members in general. Dopamine references to the group as an eight colored rainbow.
Album #3 - UNKOWN - November - December Release
Winter release. I hope ya'll have noticed the theme of seasons (March Album, spring = birth July Album, summer = exploration December Album, winter = slow down and calm). Here, the girls would be slowing down and reflecting on their adventures so far. The things they've done, the things they haven't, the exhaustion, the happiness and etc. Did they reach their dreams yet? Is it enough?
Song 1 - The title track. FnF, please make this into a ballad. Winter is the best time for ballads in my opinion. People are staying in doors, celebrating with loved ones. In warm coffee shop while the snow falls, you can imagine yourself listening to UNIS reflecting on their journey (sorry if you're from a hot climate). This can be a theme of reassurance. Not necessarily about confidence, but telling the listeners the message of, "it will be okay, I'm here for you and I feel for you."
Song 2 - 4 All up in the air still. But WHITE will be one of those songs.
Let's be honest, White is winter coded.
White is a response to Dream of Girls after time has passed. Furthermore, White can serve two purposes: 1) to communicate with the listeners that the fans are UNIS' light, 2) to communicate to their past selves that it's okay.
"When all the tears dry, will my dream come true? When all the wounds heal, will it be okay? Like this song flowing with the wind I too will someday be able to smile"
The line above is the ending to Dream of Girls.
"You will remember today too The dreams coming true If there's one more thing I wish for It's that my heart reaches you,"
The line above is the intro to White.
The members would be comforting their past selves and hoping that their past selves heals from the struggle and heartache they felt in Dream of Girls.
Also, they actually spoiled UNIS' group name in this song. In Gehlee's rap, the translation is U&I'S Space. She didn't get much lanes, but boy does her lines carry substance.
"In my zone, zone, zone Only you and I's space"
Let's also not forget how beautiful the ending line of White is:
Now, I hear your wish It reaches up to the sky We'll walk with the same heart Even as much time passes Our hearts Just like now I pray you keep them safe.
TLDR: Album #2 is going to be about summer where Camera will be used. Album #3 is going to be about winter where White will be used.
Hopes and Wishes for Next Comeback
I do hope that FnF utilizes the vocal prowess of the group. Gehlee does a good job on harmonies and lower end notes. Yoona is an all-rounder and has a strong vocals. Kotoko has a unique tone that's perfect for softer songs. The members doesn't have to have equal lines, but I hope they continue to play by their strengths (ad-libs, harmonies, lower notes, etc). Give Nana and Yunha a dance break pls. I beg.
Overall, I think UNIS is cooking a comeback. Things have settled and they're not making A LOT of appearances. I do hope FnF will give the girls some time to rest. They deserve it. But at the end of the day, I hope the girls are happy and healthy!

X- This is going to be a little long, divided into three parts, but it’s worth reading. You might learn something, come on, give it a try! Don't be lazy, haha!
Part 1: Journey into a Believer's Life
I thought this would be the best place to share my story. I am just a nobody in this vast world, but maybe it will resonate with someone. I was once a strong believer, with unwavering faith. I was convinced that my religion was the absolute truth. I was so devout that I would have done anything for my beliefs, just to give you an idea of how religious I was. This was because I inherited my faith and was raised in a deeply religious society.
For many years, my faith remained unshaken. I watched numerous debates, which only reinforced my beliefs and made me feel pity for non-believers, who I believed were destined for hell. There was nothing anyone could say that would shake my faith. This continued until one day, thanks to the internet, I saw a post about someone being murdered for their sexual orientation, which they had indeed chosen. I felt sad for the victim and read the comments from people in my community. To my shock, 90% of the comments praised the act in the name of God. While I initially thought he deserved it, a lingering sadness stayed in my heart like a dark shadow.
As time passed, I saw more posts about similar events, such as people being killed for their different beliefs. Reading comments from people praising these acts made me feel conflicted. My heart felt sadness, but my beliefs told me I should fight those against my faith and God. It was a battle between my human morals and religious morals, which often differ since religious teachings demand unquestioning obedience.
These events planted small doubts in my mind, and these doubts are crucial to my story. They led me to try to validate certain aspects of my religion, to see if it truly advocated hate for those reasons. Doubts made me want to hear both sides of any debate and use my brain to process the answers, rather than blindly taking my religion's side.
From this point, I transitioned from doubting to becoming neutral, willing to listen to both sides. The truth then became just a matter of time. Over months, as I opened my heart (or brain, you get the idea), I started to understand many things. It felt like a new world had opened up, or perhaps it was always there, but I couldn't see it because I was biased. Eventually, I realized that everything I had believed in was a joke. But for a believer like me, it was incredibly hard to accept that everything I had believed in for years was wrong. The rewards I was waiting for were not real. It was a devastating realization that took months to accept.
Part 2: Journey into Debates
The pain and heartbreak of realizing I had wasted my life on a fantasy were immense. I felt sorry for myself for being manipulated from a young age, but as the saying goes, "better late than never." After that, I didn't stop. I started debating believers countless times, not as a non-believer but as someone who wanted to believe in something. I asked them to show me proof or something in their religion that I could follow. I was honest and open-minded, willing to be convinced.
Believers often cited miracles mentioned in their holy books that had recently been confirmed by science. Initially, I was impressed, but after some research, I found these were known long ago or were just interpretations. If these holy books contained scientific knowledge, why don’t scientists use them to make new discoveries?
And so, yeah, debates continued, debating about how everything must have a creator, like if you found a phone in the street, then someone must have created it, same as the universe. And yeah, you can go to a phone factory to see how it's made, unlike the universe. Then we jumped to, look at how everything is perfect in this universe, and I'm like, 'Yeah, flood, volcano, earthquakes, seems perfect.' And even if we were to say it's perfect, how do you know? To know if a table is perfect, we must have seen other tables to say this one is the best one. How can you see a universe is perfect if you didn't experience living in other universes?
Then to, bro, God is real, I was in a situation, and God saved me. Yeah, the same God who doesn't save millions from hunger each year, saving you alone. How arrogant can you be? To, 'I can't prove God, can you disprove it?' And I'm like, here we are again, the fallacy of the burden of evidence. There is a unicorn on Mars, prove otherwise. As if not, who is saying someone exists is the one who should prove it.
Then to, 'You are a non-believer, what's stopping you from doing bad?' As if the only thing stopping me from being a decent person is a system of rewards and punishment. And even if I had to answer, the fear of worldly punishment, and most importantly, the fear of my own consciousness... To this, and this, I have experienced hundreds of debates and ideas to understand believers, and as someone who grew up a believer.
Part 3: Conclusion
So how should I conclude this whole thing? Should I write a final sentence, a conclusion, or perhaps a quote? I'll just let my imagination flow, as I did above, until I finish.
Religion has been part of our history. We sought it for comfort, much like how we rely on our parents. This approach worked for a while, but eventually, we needed something that embodied all the characteristics we desired, an entity like God. In this way, religious beliefs were created because we needed them. As I write this, it still hurts to realize that my entire life was based on a lie, especially for a believer. But time heals, better late than never. I prefer to taste the painful flavor of awareness over the comfortable taste of ignorance.
My message to all people is to keep doubting anything you inherit. Don't you dare to make any idea sacred, always think and use your brain. For doubt is the path to being neutral, and from Neutrality, the truth can be reached in just a matter of time. And keep in mind, I'm not trying to make you leave your religion, just be a decent human being and don't let what you inherit shape your morals. Find your true self. Life is short, and that's why it is precious. Each moment counts. Be a kind person and share love and knowledge (I'm talking like a preacher haha, but you get the point).
As a final sentence, I'm convinced that life is a gift given by nature to give us a chance to experience existence for one and last time, whether it's happy or unhappy. As I said, let's make the most of it before time comes.

I haven’t flown in years, so please be gentle if this is something that happens often :)
My family is flying international in the fall for my sister’s wedding. My immediate family all booked the same flight for convenience, and also because it’s my first time flying with two young kids and I could use the help. All of our tickets were purchased together, and most were upgraded seats. Delta has already made several seat changes that we’ve had to call and resolve (like moving my 1 year old to a seat by himself). But we were just notified that delta is trying to move half of us to a different flight. The half they are trying to move include myself and one of my kids, so our family will be split. They are acting like we can’t refuse the change, and they are trying to charge us $300 per person to move the rest of the group over to the new flight. How is this allowed? I work in compliance (albeit not aviation-related compliance) and it boggles my mind how they can make these kinds of changes after we purchased the tickets? Any advice is appreciated!

I was having a hard time graduating from university in 2018, as my mom a few weeks prior to my graduation was diagnosed with breast cancer (now cancer free). I was 25 at the time, had moved into my own apartment 2 years before, and was struggling with my (now ex) boyfriend who had a w33d add1ction. I applied for several jobs after finishing university, but was rejected time after time because I lacked experience. Around Christmas that year, my grandma had a stroke and suffered brain damage, and our family cat of 17 years was euthanized on New Year's Eve.
I had a mental burnout in the first quarter of 2019 on top of these events, still with no employment in sight. And because of my constant worry and sleeping issues, my Dr. prescribed Mirtazapine/Remeron. I didn't go through any tests - he just prescribed it, like that. And told me that it was harmless. I also started seeing a psychologist, who actually gave me some useful tools. Problem was, the Mirtazapine/Remeron now took over my brain chemistry, so from that time on, I actually can't remember being "me".
I became somewhat "distant" to my emotions, started having small panic attacks/dpdr, sleeping 12-14 hours a day, and my sympathic nervous system was working overtime. Some other side effects included muscle tensions, tinnitus, no libido, weight gain (puffiness), shortness of breath, inflammation, dilated pupils etc. I had to look directly into my phone-torch every morning to kickstart my pupils and be able to drive to work 30 km away, as the dilated pupils made me dizzy with blurred vision.
My first full blown panic attack happened 6 months after going on Remeron, as I was cooking dinner and taking a few hits of my ex' joint, when suddenly my heart started racing, I started sweating profusely, felt hot and cold at the same time, hyperventilating from the loss of control over my body. We rushed to the nearest hospital where I for the first time became familiar with the term "panic attack". We'd been smoking together on/off occasionally since 2014 without any issues, but since Remeron I'd felt my nervous system getting triggered very easily (with caffeine, alc0h0l, w33d).
Anyway - after the full blown panic attack the attacks continued to happen, even though I never touched w33d ever since that day. Therefore, my Dr. added EffexoVenlafaxine for the anxiety - also this time without doing any physical or mental tests prior to the prescription.
Now I was on 75 mg. Effexor, and Remeron was reduced from 30 mg. to 15 when adding Effexor. This was in march 2020, around the same time as lockdown. I was already stressed out from the side effects, and now also from the restrictions, so I started having panic attacks at my new workplace (until then, they'd only tend to happen on my way home from work or on my days off, when I was supposed to relax).
As the anxiety and panic attacks only got more intense, I was upped in Effexor again and again, only with increasing side-effects and panic attacks. Even my menstrual cycle was messed up, with unbearable pain and bleeding, I had random rashes and nosebleeds, hemorrhoids that wouldn't heal, and I really just felt like my body was at war with itself. I went on a long term sick leave from work and cried to my Dr. to help me, but as he wouldn't up my dose from 225 mg. EffexoVenlafaxine he referred me to the psychiatry instead. My Dr. and psychologist both suspected me for being bipolar at that point, and I spent my days in bed, crying, aching and having panic attacks. I called several psychiatrists, but none of them could fit me in for the next 8 months. As my mental state was on the edge due to the severe side effects, I decided to wean myself off the antidepressants instead, as I started suspecting them of causing my worsening state. I began researching how psychotrophic drugs work, and there were tons of people with lived experiences ready to help with ways to come off - while my Dr. just left me to suffer withdrawals, without ever contributing to or supporting my taper in any way.
I tapered myself from 225-75 mg. Effexor by removing beads from the pill capsule everyday for two months, without any issues - only a significant reduction of the invalidating side effects, which brought me back to life for a moment. Then I came off Remeron by halving my dose to 7,5 over a month and then 0. The withdrawals were insomnia, restlessness, agitation, inflammation and constant headache for about 1-2 months after coming off.
I consulted the danish psychologist and PhD. Anders Sørensen, and he assisted me in the hardest part of my tapering from 75 mg. Effexor. It took me half a year to taper from the last 75 mg., as I removed very few beads (0,5-1 mg.) a couple days apart. In hindsight, maybe I should've gone at least a week between reductions, but I was so desperate to get the medication and its horrible side-effects out of my system, so I went all in and took the punches along the way. At one point, probably at 50 mg. Effexor, I tried to go cold tyrkey but ended up having mania within 48 hours and was forced to go back on 75 mg. and go more slowly from there with 0,5 mg. reductions several days apart. I had brain zaps everyday around the time of taking my daily dose (8 pm), feeling agitated, anxious and having dpdr in the hours up to, and 1-2 hours after taking the dose I went "back to normal". As I proceeded lowering my dose, the time of day when the withdrawals would kick in, fell earlier and earlier, until I had withdrawals almost 24/7.
In june 2022 I took my last dose of Effexor, which was silly two tiny beads (0,5 mg.) left in the capsule, and I finally thought the fight was over. But then followed five weeks of constant brain-zaps, and I couldn't do anything during that time. As soon as the zaps finally disappeared, I went swimming in a nearby lake, and it felt SO liberating!
I spent the rest of the year trying to recall and/or re-invent myself, as the few years on antidepressants had kept me from feeling almost anything at all, and I had been in a constant fighting mode through my year of tapering. All of the suppressed thoughts and feelings during my time on antidepressants were suddenly emerging, not just little by little, but all of them at the same time as a tide wave rolling over me, constantly claiming my attention. Needless to say, I was completely overwhelmed 24-7. It felt as I was to feel and learn every emotion all over again - I burst into tears, felt overwhelming joy and raged over the smallest things. I guess that's a normal reaction, when your senses have been "asleep" for a while.
I hadn't been able to hold a job while tapering due to withdrawals and highened anxiety, and since coming off two years ago I've had PTSD-like symptoms from the whole experience of having my brain messed up and literally zapped, and fighting a medical dependency I never really signed up for.
Last year in january I got a new full time job (six months after coming off Effexor), and I finally felt ready to claim my life back. But I became over-stimulated and stressed out very easily and lost the job a few months in. I also lost my beloved grandpa around that time, and my new Dr. referred me to a psychologist, but none in my area had the capacity to take in new clients.
My sister committed suicide six months after I lost my grandpa, and as an empath/HSP I was overwhelmed by the shockwave of grief that rolled over my family, while still grieving the loss of my grandpa. My panic attacks peaked, and my new Dr. referred me to the danish "Centre of Visitation and Diagnostics". I told my story to the Dr. at the centre, including my symptoms of PTSD, but she blatantly told me that the PTSD diagnose was dedicated to soldiers and sexual assault victims only, so "she couldn't diagnose me with PTSD". Instead, I was admitted to a group therapy course for people with anxiety. The anxiety and a wrecked nervous system, their so called "antidepressants" had brought me themself.
I've joined the group therapy, and it's actually really giving. But unfortunately it's focused on social anxiety/agoraphobia (which I don't have), so I honestly feel misplaced. We've been working with exposure to overcome the anxiety, and while everyone else in the group has been getting tasks like going to the mall or taking the train, I'm sitting there like "how do I do exposure training, when my anxiety and panic attacks happen out of nowhere and aren't related to a specific situation?"
Hands down, I'm so grateful for finally recieving this kind of therapy after 5 years of living with anxiety. I've already learned a lot more about anxiety, the sympathic and parasympathic mechanisms of the nervous system, safety behaviours etc.
I really can't wrap my head around that my former Dr. (family Dr. for 3 generations) have been pushing all sorts of medicine like candy since I was little - that be antibiotics and birth control pills, and everything in between. I was prescribed adrenocortical hormone as a 14 year old while on birth control pills, because I had eczema, dry skin and blisters. Turned out that the birth control pills were the root to my skin problems, as they completely disappeared when I switched to a copper spiral in 2020 (no hormones). In fact, I was prescribed EffexoVenlafaxine around the same time as I got the copper spiral. I went "natural" conciderating my hornonal flow, but the Effexor (and probably also Remeron) were like "nah", and f'ed it up. Since coming off both Remeron/Mirtazapine and EffexoVenlafaxine, my menstrual cycle has been almost on point - only issue is that I get highened anxiety and dpdr especially around that time of month.
I'm still healing, having greater and longer lasting windows of my normal self, along with waves of anxiety and dpdr from time to time. Sometimes I think about why my sister wanted to leave, while I'm still here, struggling with my own stuff. I'm the person that just keeps going no matter what, I guess. I'm my mothers only child, and since my sister's suicide I'm suddenly also my father's only child. That changes a whole lot of things, you know?
My whole family tree depends on me - only me. But as I'm recovering and working on becoming the best version of myself, I'm also scared of the unknown.
It's hard to talk to my relatives about this, so maybe some of you can relate and want to share your own recovery story?

For those in town, here's 30 local events you can enjoy in a big summer line-up of local fun and the weather forecast looks great with three days of sunshine and highs in the 70s.
Weekend Rundown of Fun: 1. Arts NRV Market 2024 Montgomery Museum of Art & History, Christiansburg Friday, June 7, 2024, 12:00 - 6:30 PM and Saturday, June 8, 2024, 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM Admission: Free The Arts NRV Market is a celebration of creativity and community art. The Market will feature over 30 regional art and crafts vendors with artwork for sale and local art demonstrators on display. This event will also feature a wine garden, delicious food from Copper Dog & Co. food truck, and an arts-based raffle. This event will also feature the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts’ (VMFA) On the Road Traveling Museum Artmobile, a state-of-the-art, climate-controlled trailer equipped with Wi-Fi and interactive components that meet 21st-century expectations. The VMFA is bringing their "Love, Laughter, Tears: An Artist’s Guide to Emotion" exhibit to the Montgomery Museum. On Friday, after the market closes, the museum will host "Paint like Picasso!," a painting class led by Ruth Lefko and David Ferrell. The cost is $45.00 including canvas, materials, and one glass of wine. Limited additional wine may be purchased at the event. Finished paintings will be displayed at the museum after the market concludes. This event is for adults only, with a limit of 18 participants. Register is required and available online. Saturday features numerous art demos including Backyard Stone Carvers Demo, New River Arts & Fiber Demo and Fire and Sky Pottery Studio Demo. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=777427
2. 2024 Pearisburg Festival in the Park Pearisburg Community & Recreation Center, Pearisburg Friday, June 7, 2024, 5:00 - 11:00 PM, Saturday, June 8, 2024, 9:30 AM - 11:00 PM Admission: Free The 39th Pearisburg Festival in the Park features carnival rides, three days of live entertainment each day, food vendors with all your favorite festival foods, special activities, vendors and crafters concluding with a fireworks show on Saturday night. On Friday night, award-winning Pennsylvania bluegrass band Colebrook Road headlines and on Saturday night country music veteran and Randy Travis and Clay Walker songwriter Ray Scott headlines. There will be rides and games for the whole family. Free shuttle bus service is offered all nights for the duration of the Pearisburg Festival in the Park to and from downtown Pearisburg. The shuttle service will run as long as necessary to ensure festival goers can get back to their vehicles. Admission is free and all are welcome. Individual tickets for rides will be available at the festival. The Cancer Kids and Christmas & Pearisburg Festival Cruise-In will be held on Saturday from 10:00 AM to 3:00 PM. Entry is $20.00 and vehicles must be registered by Noon. Trophies and prizes will be awarded. Chairs and blankets are welcome. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778189
3. Furious Jones in Concert Rising Silo Farm Brewery, Blacksburg Friday, June 7, 2024, 6:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free Singer and songwriter Furious Jones currently resides in Blacksburg, VA though originally from Houston, TX. Enjoy a live acoustic solo show featuring Americana, blues, folk, and rock with both originals and extensive covers. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778194
4. The Jared Stout Trio in Concert Rock House Marina, Pulaski Friday, June 7, 2024, 6:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free Three members of The Jared Stout Band perform on stage. Get ready to experience the high-octane energy and soulful sound of the Jared Stout Band. This alt-country powerhouse hails from Southwestern Virginia and is known for their unique blend of Appalachian rhythm and blues. As runners-up for the "On-The-Rise" award at FloydFest 22, the Jared Stout Band delivers an unforgettable performance by bringing their own energetic and soulful original songs to the stage. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778186
5. 2024 SummerFEST Christiansburg Huckleberry Park, Christiansburg Friday, June 7, 2024, 6:00 - 10:00 PM Admission: Free Relay For Life of Montgomery County presents the 2024 SummerFEST. Kick off the new season and warmer weather with SummerFEST featuring five food trucks, 12+ vendors, entertainment, Kids Zone and more. In Relay For Life tradition, the event will also feature the Luminaria ceremony, survivor lap, fight back ceremony, and more. Entertainment includes the Appalachian Cloggers, Daniel Davis, group Zumba and more. There will also be a kids zone with Stormtroopers and the fully accessible playground & splash pad. All proceeds from fundraisers, donations, etc. go directly to the American Cancer Society in the fight for a cure. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=777382
6. 2024 Summer Arts Festival Friday Night Outdoor Concerts Kickoff with Blacksburg Community Band Henderson Lawn, Virginia Tech Friday, June 7, 2024, 6:00 - 7:30 PM Admission: Free The Summer Arts Festival kicks off their 2024 Friday Night Outdoor Concerts with the Blacksburg Community Band. The Blacksburg Community Band, Inc. is an all-volunteer community organization formed in 1989 under the auspices of the Department of Parks and Recreation in the Town of Blacksburg, Virginia. The band is under the direction of David McKee. The ensemble is open to individuals of all ages and ability levels from the New River Valley and surrounding areas. Bring your chairs and/or blankets. In the event of inclement weather, this event will be canceled. Friday Night Outdoor Concerts on Henderson Lawn are presented by Virginia Tech and the Town of Blacksburg as part of the 2024 Summer Arts Festival. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778307
7. Friday Nights at the Farm with Music from Chloe and Stewart Scales Beliveau Farm Winery, Blacksburg Friday, June 7, 2024, 6:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free Beliveau Farm Winery continues Friday Nights at the Farm with Music from Chloe and Stewart Scales. Hailing from opposite ends of the state of Virginia, Chloé and Stewart met in 2012 at the Floyd Country Store, brought together by a shared interest in the music of southwest Virginia. Chloé is a classically trained cellist who is exploring traditional music; Stewart is a self-taught bluegrass banjo, guitar, and bass player. Now married, together they play a variety of styles, but folk and bluegrass are favorite genres. Enjoy delicious food from Beliveau's full service kitchen until 8:30 PM and chat over a glass of wine during our extended bar hours until 9:00 PM. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778611
8. Squeeze the Squid in Concert The Milk Parlor, Blacksburg Friday, June 7, 2024, 9:00 PM - 12:00 AM Admission: $5.00 Squeeze the Squid is a psychedelic funk rock band from Richmond, VA. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778693
9. Fundraiser Ride For Firefighter Jeremy Compton and His Family Radford Fire Department, Radford Saturday, June 8, 2024, 8:30 AM - TBD Admission: $20.00 The Radford Fire Department and Christiansburg Fire Department presents a Fundraiser Ride For Firefighter Jeremy Compton and His Family starting at the Radford Fire Department and ending on the Christiansburg Fire Department. Registration is from 8:30-10:00 AM and kickstands up at 10:00 AM. 100% of collected money will benefit Jeremy Compton's family and his medical bills. Jeremy fought cancer for over three years and has been a professional firefighter with the Radford Fire Department and a volunteer with the Christiansburg Fire Department. Tragically Jeremy passed away on May 30th, 2024. Jeremy was the epitome of a public servant. He dedicated years to serving and protecting his community as a firefighter, emergency medical technician and sheriff’s deputy. Jeremy’s passion and love for the firefighting profession was unmatched. Jeremy often referred to firefighting as "the best job in the World". Jeremy’s compassion for the people he encountered was never-ending. He would always go above and beyond to comfort and calm the patients he met. Jeremy genuinely loved every aspect of the job and shared that love with his coworkers and fellow volunteers. The ride will be approximately 50 miles with a stop near the middle with lunch donated by Mission BBQ and there will be a 50/50 Drawing during lunch at the Christiansburg Fire Department. Additional donations are greatly appreciated. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778234
10. Summer Health Fair Blacksburg Boxing and Fitness, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM Admission: Free Kickstart your summer health and wellness goals at Blacksburg Boxing's Summer Health Fair. With free subs catered by Jimmy Johns (available while supplies last), enjoy dozens of amazing local health and wellness businesses from across the New River Valley in attendance all in one spot. Ranging from mini-massages, to free supplement samples, body composition analysis, dietary tips, free boxing workouts, yoga, lavender products, physical therapists, chiropractic analysis and more. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=777283
11. 2024 Floyd Artisan Trail The Floyd Center for the Arts, Floyd Saturday, June 8, 2024 and Sunday, June 9, 2024, 10:00 AM - 5:00 PM Admission: Free The Floyd Center for the Arts presents the 2024 Floyd Artisan Trail at multiple sites in Floyd County over two days. This annual event hosts over 40 Floyd County artists and artisans sites opening up their studios for the weekend, welcoming folks from the tri-state area to come visit. Artisan Trail celebrates the true breadth of Floyd County's creative community and is a vital part of their tourism. Venture deep into the heart of the Blue Ridge Mountains, where local artisans and agrarian cultures share their creative passions and open their studio doors and pasture gates for an authentic Floyd experience. Meet potters, woodworkers, jewelers, glass artists, fine artists, photographers, beekeepers, farmers, and others who look forward to sharing the story of their craft, art or tradition. Visit local artisan studios, galleries & shops, farms & markets, restaurants & lodging sites. Stop by the Floyd Center for the Arts for the Silent Auction during the event. Grab your official brochure and map at The Floyd Center for the Arts so you can plan out your trail. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=777750
12. 2024 Claytor Lake Festival Claytor Lake State Park, Dublin Saturday, June 8, 2024, 10:00 AM - 10:00 PM Parking is $20.00 per vehicle or $15.00 with donation of five cans of food. The Claytor Lake Festival Committee presents the 25th Annual Claytor Lake Festival. The festival kicks off the summer season at Claytor Lake State Park each year. Enjoy entertainment all day including performances by Back Alley II and The Castaways, fireworks at night, arts & crafts vendors, beach access included with admission, free children's activities, youth & adult fishing tournament, wine tastings available all day, Chuckles the Clown, US Coast Guard Auxiliary Flotilla 83 NRV and lots more. Registration for the Everett Lee Yearout, Jr. Adult and Youth Fishing Tournament will be held 7:00-10:00 AM. This year the tournament theme is "There is a lot to learn from fishing because...". Essays are due at 12:00 PM. Trophies and awards will be given out in the afternoon. The Car Show voting is done by the show participants who are completely registered by 10:30 AM. All entries will receive a dash plaque, goodie bag and category winners will receive trophies. There is no pre-registration fee. The fee is $20.00 to enter the car & motorcycle show and this is the only fee you pay to enter the festival. Swimming is included with admission. The event is rain or shine. An ATM will be on site. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778297
13. Balance and Brews Iron Tree Brewing Company, Christiansburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 10:45 - 11:45 AM Admission: $20.00 Move through foundational yoga poses, gentle stretches, and experience the many restorative benefits that yoga has to offer. This one hour class is appropriate for all levels, including those who are totally new to yoga. The cost includes an Iron Tree beverage of your choice. No reservation required, just show up. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778296
14. Beer, Bourbon and BBQ with Live Music from Bunco Pete Dye River Course, Radford Saturday, June 8, 2024, 11:00 AM - 8:00 PM Admission: Free, All You Can Eat BBQ Buffet: $30.00 Join the Pete Dye River Course for a Beer, Bourbon and BBQ celebration. Beer will be sponsored by 3 Notch'd brewing with a Steal the Pint along with giveaways and other fun items. Bourbon sponsored by JH Bard's with individual drinks available and a tasting flight with a chance to win a special prize with a raffle drawing. There will also be a BBQ Buffet featuring chicken legs, pork ribs, sliced brisket, fried catfish, coleslaw, potato salad, mac & cheese, succotash and more. Live music will be performed by BUNCO from 4:00-7:00 PM. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778074
15. 2024 Purple Party in the Park Nellie's Cave Park, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 11:00 AM - 2:00 PM Admission: Free Join the 3rd Annual Purple Party in the Park to support the Alzheimer's Association. Put on your best purple outfit and enjoy free ice cream, games, and fun to support the local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. There will be an Ice Cream Buffet, raffle with hand-crafted prizes, a water balloon toss, yard games and more. New this year there will also be a Craft Corner hosted by Blacksburg Ballet. All donations go directly to local programs, support and care for those affected by Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia. Reservations for the event are appreciated and can be made on the Facebook Event listing. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=776691
16. 5th Brewery Birthday Celebration & Makers Market with Live Music from Black Wax Rebellion Eastern Divide Brewing, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 12:00 - 8:00 PM Admission: Free Celebrate Eastern Divide Brewing's 5th Birthday and discover unique treasures at their Makers Market opening at noon featuring local artisans with Heart of Virginia Artisans, enjoy $5.00 pints of their finest brews and live music from Black Wax Rebellion featuring Lilly Potts from 5:00-8:00 PM along with raffle prizes and free ice cream in the out bar while supplies last. Black Wax Rebellion is an American rock-n-roll trio based in southwest Virginia. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778302
17. Tiptoe Through the Tulips, err, Vineyard JBR Vineyards LLC, Pearisburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 12:00 - 5:00 PM and Sunday, June 9, 2024, 1:00 - 5:00 PM Admission: Free Wine Pricing: Tastes: $1.00, Cups of Wine: $5.00, Bottles of Wine: $15.00-$20.00 plus tax Tiptoe through the vineyard to see how much the fruit and vines have grown already. In addition to tours and tastings, the winery is in the midst of bottling; so, you can also see how the operation is done. JBR Vineyards is a small, family operation growing only classic wine grapes. Their focus is on growing the best grapes they can and making the best wine they can. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778322
18. Genealogy Saturdays Alexander Black House & Cultural Center, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 1:00 - 4:00 PM Admission: Free Join the Alexander Black House & Cultural Center on the first Saturday of every month for Genealogy Saturdays. Ancestry experts will be on hand to assist you as you explore your family tree. Come with questions about research and discovering your roots. They will be able to demonstrate starting your family tree or help you conduct a deeper dive into specialized areas of genealogy. Come with questions about research and discovering your roots or come with no knowledge of your family and let them guide you. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778509
19. Outdoor Tactical Laser Tag with Laser Club at Virginia Tech (LCAT) Pandapas Pond, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 1:00 - 4:00 PM Admission: Free The Laser Tag Club at Virginia Tech (LCaT) presents Outdoor Tactical Laser Tag every Saturday from 1:00 to 4:00 PM. Laser Tag games are open to all ages for free. No fees of any kind for anything and no reservations are required. All equipment will be provided. Just show up ready to go. Play includes use of the Club’s laser taggers, a limited amount of camo clothing, snacks and water. Complete instructions for fun and safe play are briefed at game time. Play is on several acres of Forestry Service approved terrain adjacent to the lower parking lot at Pandapas Pond. Players are reminded that the play area is wooded and hilly, so dress appropriately and use insect repellent (some insect repellent is provided, if needed). Games start at 1:00 PM and run until 4:00 PM, but players may come and go as they please. Children 12 and under must be accompanied by an adult parent/guardian in the play area. Teens ages 12-17 must have an adult parent/guardian present at Pandapas Pond. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=776260
20. 2024 Arc in the Park Christiansburg Huckleberry Park, Christiansburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 3:00 - 6:00 PM Admission: Free The Arc of the New River Valley presents the 3rd Annual Arc in the Park. Enjoy free food, fun and friends. We will be giving out BBQ and hot dogs, kids crafts, balloon animals, snow cones, face painting and more! In addition, The Annual Arc in the Park Gift Card Raffle will be drawn at 5:00 PM. The Gift Card Raffle will help raise funds for the good work the organization does all year long. Participants do not have to be there in person to win. There will be multiple winners and individuals can win more than once. Raffle tickets are $5.00 each and can be purchased online. The deadline for online purchases is Friday, June 7th at Noon. All are welcome. The park is handicap accessible. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=776817
21. Summer Arts Festival Free Classic Movies: Fried Green Tomatoes Lyric Theatre, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 3:00 - 5:10 PM Admission: Free The 2024 Summer Arts Festival continues their Free Classic Movies series featuring "Fried Green Tomatoes". "Fried Green Tomatoes" is a 1991 drama starring Kathy Bates, Jessica Tandy and Mary Stuart Masterson and is rated PG-13. Synopsis: Evelyn, an ordinary housewife, visits a nursing home and befriends the old lady Ninny. Together, they bond over stories from the past about two intrepid women of Whistle Stop Cafe. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778206
22. Educate Your Palate Beliveau Farm Winery, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 3:00 - 4:30 PM Admission: $35.00 The "Educate Your Palate" class offers a tasting of 10 wines with cheese, crackers, and a chocolate, guided by the undivided attention of a Beliveau Wine Educator. You’ll love sharing this 1.5 hour experience with friends, current or newly met. The class is by advance reservation only. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778615
23. 2024 Rockin' Main Street Concert Series with Lyn Avenue and Drew Pace Downtown Christiansburg, Christiansburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 5:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free The Town of Christiansburg and the Christiansburg Parks & Rec continues their 2024 Rockin' Main Street Concert Series featuring music from Lyn Avenue at 7:00 PM and Drew Pace at 5:00 PM. Celebrate food and music in downtown Christiansburg! Rockin’ Main Concerts. Attendees can purchase food and drinks from a selection of food trucks and wine & beer vendors. Born and raised in Savannah, GA, Lyn Avenue is a husband and wife country and Americana duo bringing you catchy, compelling stories with genuine southern charm. Described as six string spirit and small town soul. Drew Pace is a country music singer and songwriter from Scottsville, Virginia. He is now making a name for himself in the country music industry one show at a time. He has a unique sound that wins over his audience showcasing his voice and charm. Attendees are encouraged to bring lawn chairs to sit at the square and watch the live music. Concerts are rain or shine. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=776698
24. Mount Tabor Ruritan Club June Fish Fry with The Blacksburg Community Band Slusser's Chapel Church of God, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 5:00 - 7:00 PM In Person: Adults: $12.00, Children Ages 3-11: $6.00, Children Under 3: Free, Carry-Outs: $12.00 The Mount Tabor Ruritan Club presents their 2024 June Fish Fry. Enjoy a serving fish, fries, slaw, homemade desserts, and beverage. This month the Blacksburg Community Band will be performing. And, take you picture with the Dolly Parton cutout, and get information on signing up with the Imagination Library of Montgomery County, VA to receive free monthly books for kids under five. This is a fundraiser for the Ruritan Club's community service projects and scholarships. The event will be held rain or shine. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=777781
25. Irish Trad Jam with Mist in the Mountain Rising Silo Farm Brewery, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 6:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free Mist on the Mountain is an Irish Traditional Music group based in the New River Valley. From lively jigs and reels to heartbreaking laments and rollicking ballads, Mist on the Mountain provides great Irish music for any occasion. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778195
26. Enchanted Forest Prom Moon Hollow Brewing, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 6:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free Prepare to get lost in the enchanted forest at the Moon Hollow Enchanted Forest Prom. DJ Bug Bite and friends will be spinning the tunes and the prom punch will be flowing. There will also be prom photos in the cove. 10% off bar tab for those who dress in prom attire. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778689
27. Four Band Concert with IROH, Lie Heavy, Holy Roller and Wolfbiker The Milk Parlor, Blacksburg Saturday, June 8, 2024, 8:00 PM - 12:00 AM Admission: $10.00 Enjoy a night of killer heavy rock and roll with the four band concert featuring IROH, Lie Heavy, Holy Roller and Wolfbiker You don’t want to miss some of Virginia and North Carolina's finest heavy, psych, doom and stoner rock. Doors open at 7:00 PM and the music starts at 8:00 PM. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778610
28. Yoga On Tap with Blacksburg Yoga Collective Rising Silo Farm Brewery, Blacksburg Sunday, June 9, 2024, 9:30 - 10:45 AM Suggested donation of $15.00-$20.00. The Blacksburg Yoga Collective presents Yoga On Tap. Enjoy an energizing and uplifting flow with Blacksburg Yoga Collective in the beautiful settings of the Rising Silo Farm Brewery. Focus on therapeutic movements and breathing techniques aimed toward collective wellness. Meditate and move together to ease stress, manifest positivity, and improve our awareness and focus. The cost includes a post-yoga non-alcoholic beverage from the brewery. Participants can use Venmo to pay for the class. Please bring your own mat. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778683
29. Sunday Mountain Music Series with Indian Run String Band Mountain Lake Lodge, Pembroke Sunday, June 9, 2024, 4:00 - 6:00 PM Free Admission Mountain Lake Lodge continues their Sunday Mountain Music Series with the Indian Run String Band. The Indian Run Stringband from Blacksburg, VA plays fiddle and banjo foot stomping dance tunes, ballads and sings traditional songs with old time harmonies perfect for dancing the two step. From dance tunes to the blues, the Indian Run Stringband plays with love and abandon. They make old-time music fresh and new. Stop by Salt Pond Pub every Sunday from Memorial Day to Labor Day from 4:00-6:00 PM and enjoy live music along with food and drinks. Perfect for relaxing with the whole family (furry friends are welcome too). Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778167
30. MLB / USA Baseball: Bluefield Ridge Runners vs. Pulaski River Turtles (Saddle-Up Sunday) Calfee Park, Pulaski Sunday, June 9, 2024, 5:30 - 8:30 PM General Admission: $5.00, Seniors Ages 65 & Older: $1.00, Kids 6 & Under: Free, Grandstand: $11.00, Reserved Seating: $12.00, Party Zone: $12.00, Club Seating: $15.00 The Pulaski River Turtles Appalachian League team hosts the Bluefield Ridge Runners as they continue their 2024 season. Enjoy Saddle-Up Sunday featuring free mechanical bull rides and a cowboy hat giveaway while supplies last. Additionally, enjoy Sunday Savings featuring concession specials every Sunday. Tickets can be purchased at the gates on game day or online. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=778585
For all the rest of the weekend fun, check out: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEvents.cfm
Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

When Spain appears in the international media, it normally has something to do with Catalonia and the Catalan independence movement. Indeed, the issue has been raised several times in this sub, particularly after the Spanish government passed a controversial amnesty law. As such I think it might be interesting to learn about the history of Catalan nationalism and learn how we got here.
1. The origins of Catalonia
In the 8th century the kingdom of Iberia collapsed as the Umayyad caliphate took over most of the peninsula. The Franks launched a counteroffensive and established the County of Barcelona, which broadly encompassed modern day Catalonia. During the subsequent Reconquista period the County of Barcelona became one of the constituent regions of the Crown of Aragon. The Reconquista ended in the XV century, when the Crowns of Aragon and Castille were united through the marriage of Queen Isabel of Castile and Fernando of Aragon, who then conquered the remaining muslim kingdom of Granada in 1492.
The Kingdom of Spain became the largest Empire of the world, but in many ways it was a paper tiger. Internal divisions remained strong, as the Crown of Castile was a centralised and homogenous territory while the Crown of Aragon remained a patchwork of decentralised territories ruled by a series of feudal rights. Furthermore, the Crown of Castile was mainly focused on expanding through the Atlantic Ocean, being the driving force of the colonisation of the Americas and the Philippines, while Aragon remained focused on Mediterranean trade and the Italian wars. The Habsburg dynasty’s desire to create a universal Christian monarchy and defend Catholicism led Spain to become entangled in conflicts all over Europe. By the 17th century Spain was stuck in a quagmire in the Netherlands and also became involved in the 30 years war against France. The monarchy desperately required more funds and manpower, and it soon turned to the crown of Aragon and particularly Barcelona, one of the richest cities in the Mediterranean. Recruitment laws were centralised, taxes were levied on the Crown of Aragon and primarily Castilian troops were quartered in Catalonia. In 1640 this led to a revolt in Catalonia known as the Reaper’s war, which lasted almost 20 years and led to disastrous consequences for the Spanish crown, including the loss of Portugal. Given that nationalism wasn’t still a thing, the war mainly focused on overthrowing the King’s Castilian advisors and getting him to recognise and expand Aragon’s and particularly Barcelona’s economic privileges, but centuries later it would become a key symbol for Catalan nationalism, with the anthem of Catalonia being Els Segadors (The Reapers).
By the end of the war Habsburg Spain was at death’s door. Centuries of inbreeding had caused the Kings to have all kinds of genetic diseases, and Charles II was afflicted with all kinds of deformities and conditions. Perhaps worst of all, he was infertile and when he died in 1700 he unexpectedly named Phillip of Bourbon, grandson of Louis XIV of France, his successor. The choice was well received by Castile, which approved of Louis’s centralising reforms and absolutism and hoped Phillip would carry out similar reforms in Spain. On the other hand, Aragon was terrified of losing its autonomy and privileges and it proclaimed the archduke of Austria King, kickstarting the Spanish war of succession. After a grueling 15 year war Phillip V prevailed and he punished Aragon by abolishing its autonomy as well as the Generalitat of Catalonia, the regional government of Catalonia.
2. Catalan industry and anarchism during Bourbon Spain
The decline of the Spanish Empire only accelerated under the Bourbon’s and Spain’s disastrous performance during the Revolutionary and later Napoleonic wars saw the American colonies declare independence. King Ferdinand VII, who had overseen the loss of the colonies, died in 1833. Having no male heir he changed the succession laws so that his infant daughter could succeed him, which greatly infuriated his brother and heir apparent, Charles, who rose up in revolt, kickstarting the first Carlist war. The loyalists and liberals rallied around Queen Isabella while the more reactionary absolutist joined the Carlist cause. Carlism was also very popular in the Basque Country and rural Catalonia, as Charles’ defence of feudal rights and privileges was seen as a shield against the centralising tendencies of the liberals. The Isabellists ended up prevailing in 1840 after making peace with most of the rebel army and putting down the last Carlist remnants in Catalonia.
The resulting political system was, however, very ineffective. Isabella’s incompetence and erratic nature made her dependent on her advisors and Court. The two parties, the conservative Moderate Party and liberal Progressive Party, therefore tried to vie for her attention. This meant that power changed hands not through elections but through coups in which one of the parties would physically remove the other side’s advisors from the Queen’s court and replace them with their own. This left a small group of generals, such as Moderadate General Narváez and Progressive General Espartero, with effective control over politics.
The main economic policy at the time were the desamortizaciones a series of auctions of ecclesiastical and communal lands. However, partly due to ideological reasons, partly due to the dire need for cash and partly due to outright corruption and patronage, no land reform was carried out and the lands were instead sold to the highest bidders, who were nobles and local notables, the caciques. The caciques controlled the local administration and Civil Guard (rural police) and would use these institutions to rule their regions as effectively feudal lords. In return for patronage and bribes they would deliver the government whatever electoral results it required. However, the uncompetitive and unprofitable nature of Spanish agriculture meant that the caciques had little interest in investing in new agricultural technologies, instead investing all the profits in the nascent industries, primarily in Bilbao and Barcelona, leading southern rural Spain to lag behind. The peasants were infuriated by the poor working conditions and the ruthlessness of the caciques, and many started turning to anarchism. As many of these peasants started moving to Barcelona and other industrial centres they brought anarchism with them, and soon Barcelona was a centre of anarchism.
The constant coups and counter-coups led to the unraveling of the Spanish political arena and even a brief Republic. The Republic would itself be overthrown by a coup in 1875. Cánovas del Castillo, a liberal-conservative monarchist, sought to bring some semblance of stability and reduce military interference by creating a new political system the turnismo. Under this system Cánovas’ Conservative Party and the Liberal Party would periodically take turns at leading a government, using the Interior Ministry to give out patronage and bribes to the caciques so that they would return the desired electoral results. While this temporarily restored a semblance of stability, it only further entrenched the power of the caciques and nothing was done to address the growing social issues, allowing anarchism and to a lesser extent socialism under the Socialist Workers’ Party of Spain (PSOE) to grow. The turnismo started to collapse at the turn of the century, as Cánovas was assassinated by an anarchist in 1897 and the following year Spain was trounced by the US, losing the remaining Caribbean colonies and the Phillipines.
3. The birth of Catalan nationalism
The loss of the Cuban sugar industry was devastating for many Barcelonan industries. For some time many Catalan industrialists and landowners had grown disillusioned with the corrupt establishment in Madrid and the rule of the Castilian caciques, and a nationalist movement had started to form which demanded greater autonomy for Catalonia, including the re-establishment of the Generalitat. The “disaster of 1898” shattered any confidence left in the turnismo and Catalan nationalism grew rapidly, eventually coalescing into the conservative Regionalist League (LR) led by businessman Francesc Cambó. Throughout Spain confidence in the political system had similarly collapsed and a new movement, the Regeneracionismo, sought to completely reform the corrupt government. Conservative politician Eduardo Dato tried to placate desire for change by introducing welfare and social policies, but this proved too little too late and anarchism only kept growing, eventually leading to his assassination. Another Conservative leader, Antonio Maura, wanted to go further, seeking an alliance with the LR to put an end to turnismo and the caciques and create a more decentralised system. Maura’s easing of electoral repression and corruption led to huge wins for the Catalanists, but his ambitions were shattered by the Rif war.
From the start of the XX century Spain had tried to take advantage of France’s expansion in Morocco by taking over the Rif region. This kickstarted a series of wars which were extremely unpopular in Catalonia, leading to a violent suppression of the Catalanist press by the Spanish army. In 1909 Maura tried to put an end to the war by sending over Catalan reservists, which led to violent riots that destroyed much of Barcelona and led to the collapse of his government.
The turnismo would effectively unravel in 1913 when Liberal PM Canalejas was assassinated by an anarchist, leading to a succession crisis that split both main parties in half. Spanish neutrality during WW1 caused an economic boom, but the profits were mainly gobbled up by the great industrialists and didn’t result in wage rises, only further boosting anarchism and socialism. While Catalonia was granted some autonomy in 1914, Catalan MPs demanded further autonomy, setting up their own assembly in 1917, which was dissolved by the army. In turn, anarchists and socialists called a revolutionary strike which was violently put down. Spain fell into a state of near-civil war, as anarchist assassinations, government reprisals and army interference became commonplace. The industrialists of the LR were extremely worried about an anarchist or socialist revolution and Cambó joined a series of national unity governments, which didn’t last very long. Cambó was even offered the Prime Ministership, but he turned it down and instead the LR started supporting the ambitions of the Captain General of Catalonia, Miguel Primo de Rivera.
In 1923, with the support of the King, Primo de Rivera established a military dictatorship. He soon backstabbed the LR and instead indulged in all kinds of corrupt activities. The LR was humiliated by this and a new force came to dominate Catalan nationalism, the Republican Left of Catalonia (ERC). ERC joined other Republican and Socialist forces in overthrowing the monarchy in 1931.
The new Republic quickly granted Catalonia a Statute of Autonomy and ERC came to dominate the new government, but it soon started to clash with the anti-electoralist anarchists of the National Confederation of Labour (CNT), who set up their own parallel institutions. In 1934 the corrupt and opportunistic PM, Alejandro Lerroux, decided to allow the openly anti-Republic CEDA into the government, which led to a revolutionary general strike. The President of Catalonia, Lluis Companys, used this as an opportunity to declare the Republic of Catalonia, though he stated it would be a part of a Federal Spanish Republic. The army under newly appointed Chief of Staff Francisco Franco harshly put down the strike and Catalonian autonomy was revoked.
Autonomy was restored after the victory of the Popular Front at the 1936 elections, but soon the Spanish Civil War broke out. Catalonia managed to defeat general Goded’s coup attempt, largely due to the intervention of the CNT anarchists, but soon a cold-war settled in Republican Catalonian between the ERC government, the anarchists, the Spanish Republican government and several communist parties, while the remnants of LR supported Franco.
4. Catalonia under Franco and the Transition
Franco established a highly centralised and pseudo-fascistic dictatorship founded on Catholicism and Castilian nationalism. He attempted to unite Spanish culture around Castilian symbols and traditions, abolishing all regional symbols and identities and banning regional languages, particularly in the Basque Country and Catalonia. However, after the defeat of the Axis powers Franco started distancing himself from fascism and his enforcement of regional identity bans became somewhat half hearted. While Catalan and other languages couldn’t be taught in schools or used publicly, they could be used in private. Franco initially pursued a policy of autarchy and statism, but this resulted in international isolation and economic stagnation. In the late 50s he gradually liberalised the economy, leading to an economic boom. Cities and industries started growing again and tourism became a huge industry, particularly in Mediterranean cities such as Barcelona. Indeed, Barcelona became something of an international city and started developing a cosmopolitan identity. The similarities between Catalan and Spanish allowed people immigrating from other parts of Spain to rapidly learn the language and integrate despite the ban on the language. Barcelona became a centre of opposition to the increasingly unpopular Franco regime. The only thing sustaining the dictatorship was the economic boom, and once the oil crisis hit any hope of the regime continuing after Franco evaporated.
Franco died in 1975, and in 1976 PM Adolfo Suárez introduced a series of democratic reforms. In 1977 the first democratic elections were held. In Catalonia Suárez’s party underperformed, finishing third behind PSOE’s regional branch, the Socialist Party of Catalonia (PSC) and the Communist Party. Suárez was deeply worried about this and he tried to divide the Catalan left by inviting the exiled President of Catalonia, Josep Tarradellas of ERC, to return. This did indeed divide the leftist vote, but it was a new party that took advantage, Jordi Pujol’s Convergence and Union (CiU). Pujol was a Catalan nationalist of the old LR kind, a centre-right regionalist whose motto was “Spain steals from us”, claiming that Spain took more money from the region than it invested. Nevertheless, he didn’t call for independence, instead pushing for broader autonomy, cultural rights and, especially, economic concessions.
One of the main sticking points when drafting the new Constitution was the issue of regional autonomy. Since there was no broad consensus a flexible “State of Autonomies” was created, in which those regions who wanted to be autonomous would be given Statutes of Autonomy that would be negotiated between the regional and central government and could widely vary in breadth and scope, which in due time would lead to a lot of tensions as regional governments would demand more and more concessions and try to test the limits of the ill-defined system.
5. The birth of the Catalan independence movement
After winning the 1980 regional election Pujol fully took advantage of the new system, using his party’s influence as kingmaker in the Spanish parliament to extract concessions from the government. The Catalan economy outperformed the rest of the country and Pujol's popularity allowed him to remain in power until his retirement in 2003. In those elections Pujol’s successor, Artur Mas, lost to PSC under the popular former mayor of Barcelona, Pasqual Maragall. Maragall formed a coalition government with ERC, which demanded a reform of the Statute of Autonomy that recognised Catalonia as a Nation. Margall himself was extremely critical of the State of Autonomies system, criticising its confusing and unclear nature, and instead argued for the creation of a clearly defined federal and plurinational system. This was supported by many members of PSOE, including the party leader, José Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. However, when Zapatero came to power in 2004 his priorities started to shift, as Constitutional reform wasn’t popular and he also required the support of Mas’ CiU to remain in power. Relations between Zapatero and Maragall started to deteriorate.
Negotiations to reform Catalonia’s Statute began, with Maragall trying to get all Catalan parties as well as Zapatero on board. During a parliamentary debate in which Mas blamed the government for the collapse of a series of buildings in Barcelona, Maragall gave a response that changed Catalan and Spanish politics forever, “You [CiU], have a problem, and that problem is called 3%”. Mas was infuriated. He threatened with bringing Maragall’s and possibly Zapatero’s governments down if Margall didn’t apologise, which the latter did. However, the media was astounded by this whole exchange and started investigating. Soon it was revealed that Pujol and CiU had been demanding kickbacks for years in exchange for public contracts. Mas went to Zapatero and stated that he would withdraw his support for the Statute reform and central government if Maragall wasn’t dropped, and Zapatero agreed, proceeding to negotiate directly with Mas. The Statute’s formal recognition of Catalan Nationhood was dropped, which caused ERC to withdraw from Maragall’s cabinet and oppose the reform. The new Statute was approved and received overwhelming support in a referendum.
Maragall called snap elections in 2006 but Zapatero forced him to announce he wouldn’t run for re-election and replaced him with the Minister of Industry, José Montilla, who was far less popular. Despite losses for the coalition forces, Montilla again formed a government with ERC, but soon the 2008 financial crisis hit and the government’s popularity collapsed. In 2010 the Constitutional Court declared parts of the Statute unconstitutional, including the recognition of Catalan as the preferential language in Catalonia. This caused a huge uproar in Catalonia, as the overwhelming majority of Catalans had supported the new Statute and felt that the Constitutional Court was acting undemocratically. This, together with the loss of confidence in the political establishment due to the financial crash led to a massive growth of pro-independence sentiment, which up to that point had been limited to a small faction within ERC. CiU ramped up the nationalist rhetoric and won the 2010 elections.
6. The Procés
The 3% case made it to the courts and many former CiU leaders, including Pujol, were slapped with corruption charges. As a result Mas’ popularity declined, which was only worsened by his unpopular austerity policy. Worried about this and seeing the rise of pro-independence sentiment Mas tried to bolster his popularity in 2012 by declaring his support for independence and calling snap elections during the celebrations of the national day of Catalonia, marking the start of the Procés (process towards independence). The move only had limited success, as CiU suffered heavy losses in the election while the more pro-indepence ERC gained many seats. A new staunchly anti-independence party, Citizens (Cs) also had a strong showing.
CiU and ERC formed a coalition government and Mas called for an “non-referendum” vote on whether Catalonia should become independent, trying to skirt around the fact that only the central government could call for a referendum. Controversially, the Catalanist wing of the PSC managed to get the party to support the law authorising Mas to call the “non-referendum” even though they opposed holding the vote. Rajoy’s central government brought the law to the Constitutional Court, which banned any vote on independence being held until a final ruling was handed down. Mas ignored this, holding the “non-referendum” in November 2014. 80% voted in favour of independence, but the vote was boycotted by the anti-independence parties and the turnout was less than 40%.
Given the inconclusive result of the vote and the fact that Mas was now under investigation for holding an illegal referendum against the Constitutional Court’s orders, Mas called snap elections in 2015. CiU was by this point tainted by corruption scandals and divided over the issue of independence and Mas created a new party an electoral coalition with ERC and other nationalist parties, Junts per Sí (together for yes). Junts won the elections but lost the majority, relying on the hardline pro-independence and far-left CUP while Cs became the main opposition party. CUP refused to support Mas, and he stepped aside in favour of Carles Puigdemont. Unlike Mas, whose support for independence had always been of a pragmatic nature, Puigdemont was a hardline believer in independence, and with the support of CUP became President in 2016.
Clashes between Puigdemont, Rajoy and the Constitutional Court became a daily occurrence as tensions kept growing. Puigdemont finally called an independence referendum on the 1st of October 2017. Rajoy sent the police to shut down the voting sites and clashes between the police and protestors took place all over Catalonia. The results of the referendum aren’t clear, as its illegal nature means that none of the usual guarantees were in place, but according to the Generalitat 90% voted for independence with a turnout of 43%. Several days later Puigdemont declared Catalonia’s independence, though he stated it remained “suspended”. The central government then suspended Catalan autonomy and several members of the Generalitat were arrested, though Puigdemont managed to flee the country.
Snap elections were held in Catalonia with Puigdemont’s Junts and ERC not joining forces this time, which allowed Cs to take the plurality with both Junts and ERC following very closely. Quim Torra, a Puigdemont ally became President, though he claimed to be “acting President” until Puigdemont could return. Torra was also a hardline supporter of independence and his tenure was marked by constant clashes with the central government, the trial against the leaders of the independence referendum and attempts to get Puigdemont back to Spain.
In 2018 the pro-independence parties supported Pedro Sánchez’s motion of no confidence against Rajoy, making him PM of Spain. In return, Sánchez started negotiations with the nationalist parties to calm down tensions. During the 2019 European elections Puigdemont was elected MEP, but the EU parliament rescinded his immunity, leaving him in limbo again. Meanwhile, Sánchez reformed the Criminal Code to reduce the penalties on those accused of holding the independence referendum and in 2021 pardoned several of them.
This caused rifts in the nationalist camp. Junts’ centre-right policies had always caused rifts with ERC, which was economically closer to PSOE, and as tensions with the central government winded down tensions within Torra’s cabinet rose. Torra kept supporting a hardline stance on independence while ERC was open to negotiating with Sánchez. In 2020 Torra placed symbols in support of the jailed independence leaders, and he was ordered by the courts to take them down, which he refused to do, leading to a conviction and bar from public office. Torra asked the ERC speaker of the Catalan parliament to deny any motion vacating him from the Presidency, but the speaker ended up siding against Torra. Torra’s VP, ERC leader Pere Aragonés thus became President.
In 2021 he called snap elections which PSC under Salvador Illa, who had been Health Minister during the pandemic, narrowly won, though he had the same number of seats as ERC and Junts had only one seat less. Junts had always seen itself as the head of the independence movement, and tensions with ERC only grew, though it did end up allowing Aragonés to remain President. These clashes eventually led Junts to withdraw its support for the government in 2022 but Aragonés remained in power with the support of PSC.
In 2023 general elections were held in Spain and Sánchez’s PSOE finished second, requiring the support of both Junts and ERC to remain in power. Despite having repeatedly ruled amnesty out during the campaign he agreed to pass an amnesty law in exchange for their support. Aragonés' precarious government collapsed in 2024 when he failed to pass a budget and he called snap elections. Ill’as PSC won a plurality of the seats, with Junts under Puigdemont a distant second and Aragonés’s ERC losing many seats. For the first time in history Catalan nationalist parties don’t hold a majority in parliament, and the left wing PSC-ERC-Comuns option hold just the amount of seats needed for a majority.
As of today, this is how things stand. The amnesty law passed last week but Sánchez has been delaying its publishing until after the EU elections for electoral purposes. In Catalonia ERC is in a state of crisis, having the option of either allowing Illa to govern or joining forces with Puigdemont to force new elections. Some have stated that the Procés is now over, but support for independence remains relatively high and Puigdemont, who seems poised to return soon, claims that if new elections are held he’ll win.
Don't hesitate to leave any questions or comments bellow!

I’m a vet student entering the final two years of the course soon, and I’ve just done five straight weeks of clinical placement at various small animal practices (8 more to go, yay). I’ve loved the opportunities I’ve had to learn new things and getting involved in ops because I love vet med, but I’m finding euthanasias so difficult. I’ve had a particularly bad day at work today with a lot of deaths and I actually ended up crying in front of some of the team during a bad C-section with multiple postnatal deaths, and also with a client in a euth consult just before the surgery (luckily managed to hide that one from the team but very unprofessional). In every other area of my life, this is completely out of character for me, but I couldn’t hold it in today at all, so I’m kind of in shock.
She didn’t know I was so upset, but one of the nurses berated me for not correctly estimating the weight of an emergency patient and selecting the right circuit; my head wasn’t working properly so I asked her instead of guessing as she did that dog=usually circle — I’d picked out a T piece because she looked under 10 to me but I’m not as good at guessing like an experienced nurse obviously is so I asked, but she was already stressed to the max — and it made me feel so inadequate and unhelpful to the team. That mistake and the fact that I feel so undone by even scheduled, “normal” euthanasias is making me feel like I’m not going to be good enough for this job, and I’m sure it didn’t leave a good impression with my placement hosts that I couldn’t keep it together for a C-section.
I just want to hear from people who’ve been doing this for longer than me — is this normal and does it get easier? To put the injection in the catheter and know what’s about to happen, to hear the owners sob as they watch their family member take a last breath? Hold a newborn puppy and try to find the heart to inject pentobarbital into? I’m usually pretty calm and pragmatic, but this process catches me off guard every time. Everyone in vet med seems so stoic about these things, but I’m really struggling with this every time it comes up, and I couldn’t keep it in today. I can’t stop bringing it home with me. Is this how everyone feels at first? Or am I not gonna make it? None of my vet school friends say they really experience this distress to such an extent. What can I do to become more professional and accustomed to this?
Hopefully this isn’t too dramatic. It’s been a long day lol.