I'm pretty sure I'm going to be dead in the next 24 hours.
Whether that's the Costella family, or whatever this is, I'm not sure.
The police are taking forever, and part of me knows they're either refusing to believe me, or RC got them too.
I'm holed up on our school bus, so I've got nothing better to do.
I want to tell you about my team.
We met in our sophomore year.
Strangers standing outside the club room.
Levi was the freckled brunette who wouldn't stop talking about Game of Thrones.
Sunny, a pretty redhead, told him to shut up.
Tom, a sandy blonde, nodding his head to music corked in his ears.
I just wanted to be part of a club, and get away from my overbearing mother.
I won't say it was a perfect start. Our school was lacking in funding, so anyone could join, which made us more of a Quiz Club. I had some serious anxiety, so I stayed on the sidelines for a while, watching, rather than taking part.
It's not like we actually talked to each other initially. The first few weeks, we played Jeopardy, and attempted to find more members to cement us as an official Academic Decathlon club.
Unfortunately, though, it was just the four of us.
Which made it extremely hard for us to be taken seriously.
According to Google, Academic Decathlon teams were made up of nine members, placed by their GPA.
Our principal laughed at us, but he did let us become official.
Which was out of pity, I assumed.
The club was assembled, and we started meeting up after school.
Sort of.
Sunny barely showed up, and Levi didn't take anything seriously, preferring to spend the time telling us about his weird family turf-war.
Our principal dumped us in a tiny classroom with a resident rat living under the floorboards.
There was barely enough room to move, and the four of us crammed together for three hours was less than appealing.
Still, though, I wanted to be part of a club.
I had grown up with parents who were obsessed with board games, so I was pretty good at general knowledge questions. Our club room was too small for anything else but three desks (Sunny and I shared one) and a whiteboard we had to shove through the door.
But, again, we didn't start as an Academic club.
It was more akin to Story Time Club.
Arriving late on my third day, armed with quiz cards from home, I found Tom and Sunny completely mesmerised by Levi’s storytelling skills, drowned in shadow.
They didn't even turn the lights on.
I strictly remember squeezing next to Sunny, and hearing the words, “But there was so much blood all over the floor, and my Mom told me to go upstairs and hide under the bed…”
Sitting in front of them was Levi, perched on a desk, his legs swinging, a whiteboard marker between his teeth.
Sometimes he'd get up, and illustrate parts of his story.
It sucked that his drawings were all stick people.
I won't go into full details of his life, but Levi grew up as part of a family who had… interesting methods of making a living. I had seen the guy’s father multiple times when we hung out at his place, and, yeah, my friend’s family definitely had Soprano vibes.
Levi’s Draw My Life was nothing to do with the club, but it did bring us closer.
Even if, at that point, I was considering leaving.
But it's not like it was easy to walk away from these guys. It's like finding your soulmates. Levi wasn't the only one with an interesting life. Sunny Lang was an ex kpop trainee, who was kicked out for being too fat, which led her to develop a severe eating disorder, and a hatred for her own body.
Sunny explained her family were originally from Boston, her mother growing up in Korea.
She signed up for an idol agency focusing on creating a new girl group, and had gotten all the way to the final stages, before being kicked for her weight. Sunny told us her story with a smile, though there was a hollowness in her eyes I couldn't ignore. The other girls were judgemental bullies, and the idol diet and brutal regime almost killed her.
Sunny lived in a tiny apartment with 9 girls, who would tear each other apart for a chance to debut. Sunny said all the other girls debuted, and when we (not so patiently) asked for names, she shrugged, admitting she signed an NDA that prevented her spilling the beans.
What she did say, was the K-pop idol is a product, not a person– and are made and moulded into a product.
She had zero interest in throwing her humanity away to become a manufactured doll.
So, one of us was the son of an underground family, and the other was an ex idol.
Tom was an aspiring horror writer with a famous older step-brother.
His story times were usually, That one time I went to the Met Gala.
When it was my turn to reveal my story, I told them the only interesting thing about me.
I could smell when something bad was going to happen.
They laughed, but I was being serious.
When I was a kid, I smelled my mother’s brain tumor.
I remember it smelled like curdled milk.
I asked Mom why her head smelled of mouldy milk, and Mom laughed and said it was her shampoo.
It was actually a grade two tumor growing inside her brain.
Thankfully, the tumour was found quickly and removed.
Growing older, I became sensitive to smell. The little girl choking on the bus smelled of singed wood, and the old man crossing the road stunk of gasoline.
In the fourth grade, my classmate Alex Castor smelled of lemons all morning.
I sat behind him, choking on the stink all the way through class.
Ever since I met him, Alex had always smelled… off.
It was a distinct smell I could never understand, and as the days and months and years went by, that smell morphed into a subtle orangey musk that was so strong I had to cover my mouth and nose. Then, he smelled like lemons.
During Recess, I watched Alex fall off of the jungle gym, straight onto his head.
Alex Castor was dead before the paramedics arrived, my panicked teacher attempting CPR when his brains were leaking out of his ears.
The school claimed it was an accident, but Alex would have been fine if the jungle gym wasn't built on solid concrete.
I told my team members this, and Levi was sceptical.
“You can smell bad things?” He said, his lips curved around his milkshake straw. In the early days, we hung out in the local bar. It's not like we were allowed inside, but Levi could get us in anywhere.
I was squeezed between Tom and Sunny, while Levi took the seat opposite us. I couldn't help noticing our waitress was insisting on free milkshake refills, her frantic eyes glued to Levi.
I had zero idea why. Levi Costella was about as intimidating as a fruit fly.
Wearing a white shirt with a popped collar, a leather jacket thrown over the top, Levi was giving rebellious Harvard student, rather than son of a crime family.
Leaning forward, he raised a brow, clearly not believing me.
“So, you're like a stink psychic?”
I shrugged, sipping my own shake.
“Sure.”
I wasn't planning on telling him the club room smelled off on our first day.
Once we actually started the club, Levi surprised us as the smartest member, and getting to know him further, I came to the realization his family were infamous in our town.
However, his parents hid it well. Lucy and Michael Costella were the owners of a popular ramen store in our town, hiding under the facade of two successful business owners. The Costella’s were an attractive family.
Lucy was a sophisticated brunette with a lipstick smile, Michael, a handsome fluffy haired man who looked like he modelled glasses.
The two were fiercely protective over their youngest son, not so casually reminding us behind grinning smiles, that if anything happened to Levi, we would automatically be involved in the family.
I mean, they did laugh and say, “We’re joking! Look at your little faces!” when Sunny went deathly pale. But there was definitely truth behind their words.
Being Levi’s friend was… challenging at first.
Tom and I were in his room studying for finals, and an alarm went off, flooding Levi’s room in red light.
I had zero idea where it was coming from, but it locked all the doors and windows, forcing the Costella residence into temporary lockdown. Levi didn't seem fazed, casually mentioning his parents were taking care of it.
He had a whiteboard set up in his room, and was standing in front of it, cramming all of our textbook notes into one easily digestible drawing.
Levi wasn't just smart.
He was Ivy League smart, so we had struck gold with him.
His family were questionable, and yes, sometimes I did fear for my life, but as the more time we spent at his house, the Costella household became a second home. We got used to the alarms.
I just brought along ear plugs.
I wish I was writing this post about Levi’s family, and sure, they are a factor in what is going on right now, but I want to preface this by saying the events below involve the 2024 scholastic decathlon final in our town with the school’s listed:
Starbrook High School.
Ratcliffe High School.
Please note, the incident that took place last night was immediately covered up, and all phone footage was destroyed. Our town is mostly out of the way, and does not show up on Google searches.
We also have our own version of the academic decathlon, which is a more town-level competition, due to lacking funds. The four of us were desperate to start competing with our schools.
So, we started taking things a little more seriously.
We got a coach.
Mr Hanes, who was hesitant at first.
In his words, “You will hate me as your coach.”
He started by recruiting more members, announcing, “If you want to be taken seriously as an actual club, then I'll be taking the reins from now on.”
He did, and with our teachers guidance (and sometimes brutal honesty), we reached a level where we could start competing with other school’s in town. Now, none of us knew this, but Mr Hanes was obsessed with winning.
So, club meetings were twisted into two hour study sessions with no talking, followed by Mr Hanes Jeaprody, which was Jeaprody, without the actual fun.
We were quizzed multiple times, answer cards and practise questions quite literally thrown directly in our faces.
I hate to admit this (I really hate to admit this) but Mr Hanes’s tactics worked. Sure, we had been mildly brainwashed by our slightly unhinged coach, but with Levi Costella, we destroyed our competitors. Like I said, our town held their own version of the academic scholastic decathlon, but it was pretty much the same, with some changes.
Ten subjects. Language and Literature, Math, Social Science, Economics, Art, Music, Interview, Speech, and Essay.
Unlike the official Decathlon, ours was more like a game show, with the ability to be knocked out if a team member answers a question wrong. Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins. Team meet ups were either tests, study sessions, or quizzing each other.
Which leads me to last night.
The finals were held in the reigning champions, Ratcliffe High School’s, auditorium.
And we were about to win our town’s Scholastic Decathlon 2024 Championships.
Well…I was knocked out in the music section. Standing next to my coach who I was sure was going to asphyxiate from excitement, I could smell the sudden potent stink of lemon. I tried to ignore it at first, but the more questions my team were answering correctly, the smell got worse, suffocating my senses.
This wasn't just lemon. The stink was like a burning, singing smell trickling into my nose and the back of my throat.
It was stronger than what Alex smelled like.
This was suffocating, drowning my thoughts.
“Are you okay, Cassandra?”
Mr Hanes nudged me when a Ratcliffe girl was struggling to answer a question, only for Sunny to jump in with the answer. “You look quite pale.”
I nodded, forcing a smile.
My gaze was on the Ratcliffe coach, a scary looking blonde woman, whispering in one of her student’s ears.
The Ratcliffe kid freaked me out. He was way too tall, dark blonde hair, and bulging eyes I swear were not blinking.
His gaze was glued to Levi, who wore a smug grin.
There was a smaller girl next to the Ratcliffe kid, a Macbook balanced on her knee. Every so often, he leaned into her, the two of them in deep conversation.
“I'm just nervous.”
I jumped when Ratcliffe scored a point, their side erupting into cheers.
During the break, we had a mini team meeting.
Sunny rushed to the bathroom to freshen up, and I noticed a Ratcliffe girl with a bouncing ponytail following her.
Ignoring our coach’s speech, I joined the two girls in the corridor, that lemony scent hanging thick in the air.
I caught them in an awkward position.
The Ratcliffe girl had her fingers pinched between the material of Sunny’s dark blue shirt bearing our school’s name.
Sunny looked confused, her lips parted like she was going to yell.
Ponytail dropped her hand, suddenly, with a nervous laugh. “Oh! I'm so, so, sorry,” she gushed. “You had, like, the biggest spider crawling on your back.”
Sunny caught my eye, shooting me a reassuring smile.
“Thanks.” She made sure to keep her distance. “Uh, where's your bathroom?”
The Ratcliffe girl nodded down the hallway. “It's just down there. I'm going there too if you want me to show you?”
Sunny motioned for me to go back to the auditorium. “Uh, sure! That'd be great!”
I did try to follow them, only for Sunny to cough loudly.
I took the hint, reluctantly heading back into the auditorium.
My team was hyping each other up, Levi in the centre, sweating through his team shirt. He ran a trembling hand through his hair. “I can't do this,” He groaned. “Ratcliffe High is known to play dirty, man. They're unbeatable.”
“In what way do they play dirty?” I asked, joining them.
Levi gulped down water, shrugging.
“I dunno! They're already trying to distract me with the stink eye.” The boy narrowed his eyes at a grinning Ratcliffe kid who, after noticing our stares, jumped to his feet, waving at us.
“Hey guys!”
“That's Harry Cartwright, the son of the Cartwright family who tried to kill my parents in the third grade.” Levi mockingly waved back. “As you can see, their kid is a fucking sociopath.”
Huh. I wasn't expecting the smiley kid to be the mobster’s son.
Harry Cartwright was not what I expected.
Unlike his team members, he was the only one in casual clothing, a short sleeved white shirt and jeans, a pair of sunglasses perched on top of his head.
Tom went pale.
“Fuck.” He hissed. “He’s one of you? Then those bastards will have a reason to play dirty, right?”
Levi shrugged, averting his gaze. It was the first time I saw his eyes darken, like he was subtly telling the boy to back off.
“The Cartwright’s have been trying to buy our land for a while,” he muttered. “I wouldn't put it past them to use the Decathlon as a way to attack.”
“Attack?!” April, another member of our team, hissed. “Like, attack attack?”
Mr Hanes grabbed the boy, resting his hands on Levi’s shoulders. “Ignore them,” he said. “Hey. Look at me.”
Levi did, raising a brow.
“You're losing that spark in your eye, young man.”
“Spark?”
Our coach nodded. “Look at me, kid.”
Levi rolled his eyes. “I am looking at you, Mr Hanes.”
The man was shaking. I was guessing his whole career (or coaching career) was on the line.
“They know they're losing, Mr Costella.”
Hanes shook the boy, squeezing his shoulders. “You are being positive and Ratcliffe doesn't like that. They want you to be nervous. They want to make you second guess yourself and lose confidence. Don't let them get into your head.” he smiled, giving the boy a playful shove. “Kick their asses.”
“Exactly!”
I didn't realize Sunny was back from the bathroom.
The faint smell of lemons had followed her. I noticed a wet patch on her shirt collar, though she was quick to smile at me, admitting she'd spilled water down herself. Sunny wrapped her arms around Levi, squeezing him into a hug.
She hung on for a little too long, Tom dragging her away with a laugh. “Good luck, all right?” she backed away, ruffling his hair. “We’ve got this!”
When I hugged Levi good luck too, I had to resist covering my nose.
The smell of lemon was unbearable, just like fourth grade Alex.
But it wasn't as potent as earlier.
I vaguely remembered the smell starting to fade once Alex’s body was being carted away on a stretcher.
Following my captain through the crowd, I was right. The smell was less suffocating. Before he went back to the stage, I grabbed the back of his shirt.
The material was soaking wet.
“How are you so wet?” I said, swiping my hands on my shirt.
“Huh?”
I shook my head. “Never mind. Do you remember what I told you in sophomore year?”
Levi settled me with a confident, but nervous smile. “Thaaaat you're scared of clowns?”
“No. I mean the boy who smelled of lemons.” I gritted out.
Levi surprised me with a laugh. “What are you talking about?”
Something ice cold trickled down my spine.
Levi did know what I was talking about. He brought up my stink sense a day earlier in front of his parents, and I had to cover his mouth to shut him up.
Leaning close, I whispered in his ear. “You stink of rotten lemons.”
He nodded slowly, pulling away. “Uh… thanks?”
I bit back a hiss of frustration. “No, you don't understand what I'm saying–”
“Starbrooke High School,” The host announced. “Can all members please return to the stage.”
Levi held up his hand for a high five.
“Can we do this later?” He winked. “I'm kinda busy carrying this spelling-bee on my back right now.”
I nodded shakily, high fiving him, and letting him jump back onto the stage.
Before his words hit like a tidal wave, ice cold water slammed into me.
Spelling Bee?
Slowly making my way back to the stands, Levi’s mistake was circling around my head. He did win a spelling bee, but that was in middle school.
Thankfully, the smell of lemons was gone when I returned to my seat.
Mr Hanes handed me a soda. “Chill out, Cassandera, it's just a game.”
He could talk. The guy was on his fifth coffee.
Mr Hanes was not chilled out in the slightest.
Surprisingly, the event went well. I was half expecting my team to be crushed by the rafters, or caught in a blaze started in the crowd. But we were doing well. No, we were winning.
Reaching the climaxing round, Sunny choked against a smug Ratcliffe boy, joining me on the sidelines.
Levi answered the next question with a confident smile.
We were winning, but Ratcliffe could still catch up with a miracle.
The second to last question was to Ratcliffe, and it was general knowledge.
”Where on the human body would one find the *orbit?*
I knew the answer, and so did Levi, his lips breaking out into a smile when the Ratcliffe boy was hesitating, eyes wide.
Our school’s buzzer went off, Levi slamming his hand down.
Bzzz!
The host turned to our team. “Starbrooke, can I have your answer?”
Levi nodded, shooting our team a victory grin.
“It's…!“ He opened his mouth to answer, his jaw slackening suddenly.
The boy’s shoulders slumped.
“Uh… “
“Um…”
“Huhhhhh…”
Levi inclined his head, blinking, his eyes glazing over. There was a sudden, hollow vacancy that sent chills down my spine. It was like someone had reached into his skull, and yanked out his brain, leaving a shell in his place.
To my confusion, our team captain frowned at his buzzer like he'd never seen one before. He pressed it, exploding into child-like giggles.
Bzzz!
The audience laughed along nervously.
Tom nudged me. “What the fuck is he doing?”
Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz!
Levi’s entire body was slumped, his hand slamming down on the buzzer.
I caught something pooling down his chin.
“Is he… drooling?” I whispered.
Mr Hanes looked mildly horrified. “Has he been drinking?
“Levi?” Tom spluttered. “Drinking?!"
Whatever we were watching, however, was definitely influenced by… something.
Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz!
“Young man, that is not a toy!”
The host wasn't amused. “Starbrooke High School, I need an answer from you,” He nodded to Levi, who was pressing the buzzer, his smile growing.
“Once again,” The host backed away, like Levi was contagious. “Where on the human body would one find the Orbit?”
Levi cocked his head, lips parted.
His gaze found the overhead lights, and he winced, his lips curling into a frown.
“Starbrooke High School!”
Levi jumped, tipping his head back and blowing a raspberry. “Palm tree?”
The audience laughed, and I started feeling nauseous.
Across from us, I could see the twist of a smirk on the Ratcliffe coach’s lips.
Bzzz! Levi slammed the buzzer again giggling.
“Starbrooke High School, if your team member continues to act like this, I will be forced to disqualify all members.”
Our captain stopped, gaze glued to the host, his hand creeping towards the buzzer, like it was a big red button.
The audience loved it, laughing like they were watching a sitcom.
“He wouldn't.” Tom whisper-shrieked.
The auditorium was silent for a moment, awaiting Starbrooke’s response.
Levi stuck out his tongue, slamming his hand down.
Bzzz! Bzzz! Bzzz! Bzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz–
When Tom dragged Levi away from his podium, a Ratcliffe girl hit her buzzer.
“Starbrooke High School, you are disqualified,” the host announced. “Ratcliffe High School, do you have an answer?”
It was Ponytail who nodded with a grin.
“The answer is the eye socket! The Orbit is part of the eye socket!”
“That is the correct answer.” The host was distracted, his eyes glued to Levi.
“Ratcliffe High School wins.”
Levi jumped when the Ratcliffe wide erupted into cheers.
His eyes were wide, clinging onto the buzzer for comfort.
Next to me, our coach looked like he was going to faint.
I barely noticed Ratcliffe’s victory, too busy watching our team captain, who was Harvard bound, tipping his head back and smiling at the ceiling like a new-born baby. Tom dragged the stumbling boy over to me, his mouth twisted.
“This was Ratcliffe, right?” He hissed, shaking our captain, who was struggling, squirming in his grip.
“Did they put something in his drink?!” He prodded Levi. “Hey! What did they do to you?!”
Still, though, drugging his drink didn't make sense.
Levi never left the auditorium, and kept his water bottle with him the whole time.
How did they even manage to slip something into his drink in the first place?
Did I smell our competitors drugging him?
Sure, intentionally inebriating my teammate was morally wrong and illegal, but why could I smell lemon?
“I doubt it was Ratcliffe.” Sunny squeezed next to me. “I've been watching them. They're harmless.”
“Then how the fuck do we explain this to his parents?!” Tom whispered, grappling with Levi, who was fighting to get back to the buzzer.
When Tom let go of him, he dropped onto the floor, crawling over to his podium. It was like watching a child.
Who was determined to piss off the adults.
Levi jumped back to instead feet, his gaze was glued to the host, a smile curved on his lips, when he slammed the buzzer again.
Bzzz!
“Someone, please remove the Starbrooke boy from the stage!”
I was embarrassed, our whole team ducking our heads as our captain was forcibly removed from the podium.
Mr Hanes grabbed Levi, pulling him off of the stage.
I expected our coach to be mad at him, but I think the teacher was more worried, a phone pressed to his ear while he forced the boy into a sitting position.
No, I don't think it's influence from alcohol, I could hear his conversation.
Levi kept trying to get up, mesmerised by the buzzer. The teacher was firm but gentle. “Hey. Sit down, all right? Keep still.” He went back to his phone call, gently prying Levi’s eyes open.
From what I can see, there's nothing wrong. He's just kind of…
Mr Hanes swiped his own hands on his jeans. ... wet?
Team Ratcliffe came over to rub it in our faces, though I was still tuned into our coach’s hissed whispering.
Water? No, I don't think it's water. It smells… no, I haven't told his parents…
“You guys did awesome!” Ponytail's voice was sugary sweet. Too sugary.
She held the 2024 trophy, bearing a satisfied smile. I noticed the Ratcliffe members were surrounding Harry, like guards.
“Better luck next time, okay?” She held out her hand, her eyes twinkling.
“No hard feelings?”
“Control your dog.” Harry said, amused eyes flicking to Levi, who was once again sprinting back to the fucking buzzer. His eyes had visibly darkened, lips curled into a triumphant smile.
Harry Cartwright was watching Mr Hanes chase our team captain like it was his own personal entertainment.
I had to look away before I died of second hand embarrassment.
“What did you put in his drink?” Tom demanded. “Weed? Edibles?” the boy attempted to shove Harry, only to be pushed back. “What the fuck did you do to him?”
Harry’s smile didn't waver. “Like I said. Control your mut.”
When the Ratcliffe team walked away, our red faced coach struggling with Levi, who was behaving progressively more erratically, informed us we were longer welcome inside the school.
Tom suggested calling an ambulance, but our coach was hesitant.
We all knew who Levi’s family were.
On the way out, Tom matched my stride. He was frowning at our team captain struggling to walk.
The way he was acting was already eyebrow raising.
But walking at an angle and being unable to stand up straight was worrying.
“I don't think they drugged his drink.” Tom muttered.
We pushed through the doors out of the school, and I revelled in the cool night air grazing my cheek. “If they did, he would be acting out of it, right? So, what's the deal with him acting like–”
“A child.” I finished for him.
“Yeah.” Tom leaned closer. “Do you think this has something to do with their turf war?”
I slapped at a bug creeping across my cheek.
Levi fell over again, this time bursting into giggles.
“Almost definitely.”
Levi was right about Ratcliffe playing dirty. I didn't realize how dirty until we were on the losers bus home. Levi was in the seat next to me, and the kid hadn't moved since we left Ratcliffe, his eyes wide, lips pulled into a dazed grin.
Bzzz!
The noise startled me from slumber. I was drooling, my head pressed against the window. Outside, the sky was pitch dark, and squinting through the glass, I couldn't get a bearing on where we were. I thought I was hearing things, but when I sat up, I heard it again.
Bzzz!
It was close.
Leaning over the boy, I glimpsed a smear of scarlet on his headrest.
I choked on my next words.
“Tom.”
Tom was in front of me, listening to music.
He didn't reply, his head of dark blonde curls nodding to the beat.
“Levi.” I managed to get out. I prodded him, and his head lolled into his shoulder. “Hey. Can you… sit up?”
Bzzz! Bzzz!
When the boy didn't move, I gently grabbed his shoulders and pulled him forward myself, something contracting in my stomach.
I don't know how long it takes for your mind to fully register something, but my body was already reacting.
Levi’s seat was infested with bugs, eating their way through the upholstery. I was aware of my body moving back. I threw up, instantly, screaming into my hand.
The back of my best friend's skull resembled a deflated soccer ball, what was left of his brain leaking from his skull where a swarm of skittering bugs chewed their way through brain tissue, metallic legs scratching the curved, pearly white of the base if his skull.
Levi’s head hung, his body flopping into mine.
But his eyes were still open, lips still stretched into a smile.
Blood ran in thick rivulets from his nose and ears.
Bzzz!
I could see them, black writhing dots alive in his eyes, wriggling movement under his skin.
“Tom!”
I jumped up, stumbling into the aisle, my stomach heaving.
And it was only when I was on my knees, swiping bile from my lips, when I realized the others weren't reacting.
Tom wasn't moving.
I pulled an Airpod out of his ear, a long, slithering string of pink attached to the end.
There was a stray bug skittering across his hand, his face starting to twitch and writhe.
Moving back, I checked myself over, my hands shaking.
Head.
Shoulders.
Hair.
Clawing through it, my breath was stuck in my throat.
Arms.
Legs.
Feet.
Mr Hanes was slumped against the window, a reddish froth bubbling from his mouth.
Sunny.
I started towards the back of the bus, but all I had to see was her bowed head, half of her skull chewed through.
Sunny was in a far more deteriorated state, her face had been ripped through, a skeletal smile glinting in the dim.
The thick black smear on the window next to her was moving.
When I screamed for the driver to stop the bus, he ignored me.
If anything, he stamped on the gas.
I moved forward to shake him, before glimpsing a bug creeping down his face.
Calling 911, the operator laughed at me.
“Bugs are eating your friends.” He said. “Do you know the penalty for calling with bullshit pranks?”
The bus didn't stop, so I stayed at the front, while the bugs took over the back, eating through my teammates.
After four hours, I risked leaning over the seat next to Tom to check on Levi.
They were eating him.
Chewing all the way through skin, muscle and bone.
I tried to stop the bus, but the driver’s hands were tightly wrapped around the wheel.
Another hour, and blood was seeping down the aisle, crawling with bugs.
Levi was gone, and in his place, a buzzing skittering pile of bugs, that I thought were going to move to a second victim, maybe burrowing into the seats.
But, no.
These things began to tremble, replicating.
Building.
Slowly, nothing became static, and static became muscle.
Then bone.
Then flesh.
When a body began to slowly form, moulded from the dead boy, I stumbled back.
These things weren't eating Levi Costella.
They were rewriting him.
…
Edit: I'm still on the bus. I'm 99.9% sure that I'm infected with whatever this thing is. I can't stop fucking itching.
I keep picking them off me but they won't stop. This bus isn't going to stop until I'm like the others.
…
Edit 2:
I can feel them chewing into my skull. They're in my ears. I keep spitting them out. Please, someone get them off of me. Help me. I don't want to die at 17.
Edit 3:
Still alive. Still breathing. Maybe they're leaving me alone????? I think I'm okay. There is a pile of bugs at my feet, but they're crawling off of me.
Edit 4:
Levi really wants to go home. Like, he just told me he REALLY wants to go home. He's got a gift for his parents.
~~Edit 5 :) ~~
Levi is next to me right now, an odd smile on his face.
The bugs are not finished building him yet, but he'll be ready soon.
We will be ready soon.
Your son says hello! He is a wonderful boy, is he not?
Mr and Mrs Costella, I cannot wait for you to meet him.
He is our greatest achievement, and rest assured, you will give us what we want.
Warm regards.
The Cartwright's.

I'm 27 and I found myself 3 weeks ago 2 hair follicles of color white/grey, since then I have been obsessed watching my hair constantly on the mirror to find more white/grey hair, I have found like 7 white/grey hairs in the last couple of weeks, since then I have been feeling sad and insecure. I'm decent good looking and I have a very athletic body, but this grey hair that is not even 0.1% of my hair makes me feel so insecure. Some tips?

Reason why he has wolf characteristics is cause wolves are my favorite animal.
Name Matthew Hammond age 15
Quirk: Power control
Has the ability to control a type of energy only he has.
Ways to use this energy is standard strength and speed by but the power into your muscle fibers and organs to enhance their performance. Matthew can also materialize this power in different ways he traniednto find out how he can do this, for example shock waves or energy tenticals.
The main weakness is energy drain. I know what y'all probably thinking, "this is like every quirks weakness cause I swing your quirk can tire you out", but his quirks energy drain. When he use his quirk, the energy run down and if uses a all out attack he loses the energy and cant use his quirk. But on the good side , this energy grows back over time , and since it's his quirk energy if he goes to where he let out a huge attack, he can absorbed it back. It takes like an hour to get his power back to 100% naturally if he just goes on with his day.
Mutation: * Wolf Ears and Tail: Matthew has permanent wolf-like ears and a tail as a result of his mutation.* Laser Eyes: Matthew can emit powerful laser beams from his eyes. This mutation was a rare coincident.
Also he can share his energy with others to enhance their quirks cause energy works like that I think.
Elemental Forms and Powers:

1. Lightning Form (Name: Volt)

• Powers: Electrokinesis, Enhanced Speed

Weakness: If used too much then it will damage his nervous system temporarily.

1. Fire Form (Name: Blaze):

• Powers: Pyrokinesis, Heat Resistance

Weakness: if you use too much then we'll gain first degree burns.

1. Water Form (Name: Aquos):

• Powers: Hydrokinesis, Water Healing

Weakness: No clear weakness.

1. Ice Form (Name: Frost):

• Powers: Cryokinesis, Enhanced Durability

Weakness: if in a heated area, then he will get weak and slower.

1. Light Form (Name: Radiance):

Weakness: overused will make him temporarily blind

• Powers: Photokinesis, Illusion Projection

1. Darkness Form (Name: Shadow):

• Powers: Umbrakinesis, Intangibility

Weakness: Obviously light. Even a flashlight.

1. Plant Form (Name: Flora):

• Powers: Chlorokinesis, Plant Communication

1. Metal Form (Name: Alloy):

Weakness: Overtime he'll get weaker cause of rust. Water

• Powers: Metalkinesis, Enhanced Strength

1. Earth Form (Name: Terra):

• Powers: Geokinesis, Earth Manipulation

No clear weakness.
How this works is his power works like a computer l well more like just a normal computer, then a virus AKA and elements infects this power and then it slowly corrupts his powers AKA but there until his body is able to use a different elements,the form is only as strong as his original form because the element can only corrupt what is there,not make more power. A little bit of this energy is still there so that it can take back control. Each form has a mind of its own like some dark shadow type thing. The reason why his forms have minds of their own is cause if I gave him full control his forms he would swap to frequently and that would be two strong.
The reason why he can do this is when he was 3 is quirk was developing and he was exposed to radiation messing with his quirk genes and when his quirk developed it added this.
Hero Costume:

• Appearance: Matthew's hero costume features a sleek and modern design. It includes a green suit with black accents, symbolizing his main form's green hair and eyes.
• Symbol: The costume incorporates a stylized emblem combining the symbols of all his elemental forms, representing his fusion abilities.
• Support Items: Matthew carries specialized bracers that enhance his control over his energy whips. Additionally, he has utility pouches to store various tools and gadgets.

He also has tubes that are like water bottle size on this belt that he charges with his energy every night before he goes to bed in case he runs out of energy himself.
Maximum Output Move: Master Elemental

• Description: Matthew channels and combines the energies of all his elemental forms into one ultimate attack.
• Effects: Elemental tattoos appear on his body, symbolizing each element's power. Lightning appears on his head, fire on his chest, water on his left arm, ice on his right arm, light on his left leg, darkness on his right leg, plant on his right shoulder, metal on his left shoulder, and earth on his back. The attack unleashes a devastating and overwhelming burst of elemental energy.

Carrys amounted cannons inspired by Titan speaker man. They harness his power into either energy balls or just flat out lasers.
To make my self clear his max form when he uses all his elements he can only use 1/10 of his forms power including him as the main guy of this whole body.
PERSONALITY
He's smart nice in a way sometimes a prankster if you try to roast him you will go complete PackGod on you, if he's in a bad mood don't try to comfort him you'll just make things worse and not for him for you, he's really cocky, but not bakugo cocky hes just a bit over confident. He is very creative. He loves tech to the point if you break a 30 buck phone around him, let's just say you gonna want to do a crime in front of batman before Matthew finds you.
Favorite food: Red Beans and rice
6ft 2
Hates obsesseve people.
There's some girl who likes him so much she stalks him threatens his girlfriend tried to kiss him by force kidnapped him. She did this to point he couldn't take it any more so he moved to Japan but she still found him.
Any way I hope y'all like my reworked oc

TL;DR: After 3 miscarriages and a diagnosis of DOR, I had two healthy pregnancies without IVF or other ART.
We started TTC when I was 35.5, my partner 37. We got pregnant quickly, and quickly had 3 miscarriages, all around 8 or 9 weeks. We never had them tested, but my OB suspected genetic abnormalities.
My partner's test results were normal for a man his age. After the 2nd miscarriage, I had bloodwork and an SHG, a procedure where my OB filled my uterus with saline and looked at it on an ultrasound to see whether I had any visible issues that could explain what was wrong. This procedure was timed to a specific day in my menstrual cycle, so that while we were at it, she could look at my ovaries on the ultrasound as well, to make a prediction about how many eggs she could expect to retrieve if we decided to try IVF.
The SHG turned out normal. My uterus was perfectly fine. My ovaries, however, looked like those of a woman nearing menopause. My antral follicle count (AFC) was only 4. If we did IVF now, the doctor said, that’s how many eggs she expected to harvest -- just 4. Not nearly enough for a promising cycle. The results from the blood test also corresponded to the levels of a menopausal woman. Here are the numbers, for those of you who already know what these mean:
Day 3 AMH: 0.311
Estradiol: 23.8
FSH: 13.8
I might have looked 30 on the outside, but I’d just turned 36, and on the inside I was closer to 50. Our doctor did not recommend that we move forward with IVF. We asked her what we could do instead. She suggested I try supplementing with DHEA, and gave us the recommended dosage (25 mg 3 times/day, for a total of 75 mg daily). She also recommended CoQ10, though she didn’t have a suggested dosage for that, and noted that my vitamin D levels were low. I started supplementing with each of those three things.
I noticed the effects of the DHEA very quickly. It’s an androgen, and can cause women to start sprouting extra body hair. My libido sprang up to teenager levels, and I got acne again.
I decided to take only 200 mg/day of the CoQ10 because it was expensive. That and the vitamin D seemed to give me more energy, maybe, but I couldn’t say for sure.
It took us longer to get pregnant the 3rd time. The miscarriage was the same.
Our OB explained again why she didn't recommend IVF for women with DOR, and told us about a patient of hers who’d had 9 miscarriages before having a successful pregnancy. We were lucky we were able to get pregnant so easily, she said. We were lucky that we didn’t have any other issues compounding the DOR.
If we wanted to explore other options, she told us, our best chance was to use an egg donor. Other than that, all we could do was keep trying. During my fertile window, and given our age, she recommended intercourse every 48 hours.
I doubled down on my research. I read everything I could find online, and read a lot of posts on message boards like the one I’m writing now. Here’s what I decided to do:

1. Lots of exercise, or at least “lots” by my desk-worker standards (brisk walks every day, gentle training with 10-to-20-pound weights a few times a week, and frequent bike rides)
2. Lots of time being happy and relaxed and out in the sun
3. Supplements:
   1. DHEA, 75 mg/day divided in 3 doses
   2. CoQ10, 800 mg/day (ubiquinone, the cheaper kind)
   3. Vitamin D3, 2,000 IU/day
   4. Acetyl L-carnitine, or Alcar, 250 mg/day (the typical dose is 500 mg, but I found this amount gave me nightmares; at 250 mg I felt more energetic, like I could do twice as much exercising as I normally did)
   5. Alpha lipoic acid, 300 mg/day (this makes your urine stink, but it’s inexpensive and safe, and in addition to helping with fertility, I also found studies about its benefit to diabetics and its effect on the pancreas)
   6. Black cohosh on cycle days 1 through 12 (it’s an herb, so I have no idea how much I was actually getting)
   7. Vitex (ditto)
   8. Prenatal vitamins
   9. Fish oil (why not)
   10. More soy foods and freshly ground flax seeds in my diet, for extra estrogen

A note about CoQ10: There are two kinds on the market, a cheaper one (ubiquinone) and an expensive one (ubiquinol), which is supposed to be better absorbed. Both are similar in structure to vitamin E, but are not classified as vitamins because your body can make them on its own. I went with a low-ish dosage of the expensive one the first time around, but after the third miscarriage, I switched to a higher dose of the cheaper one, 800 mg. I definitely noticed an increase in energy while I was taking it.
Here is a study on CoQ10 in follicular fluid and its association with better outcomes: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00404-011-2169-2
Here’s another (“Conclusion: Our observation leads to the hypothesis that the oral supplementation of CoQ10 may improve follicular fluid oxidative metabolism and oocyte quality, specially in over 35-year-old women”): https://www.mdpi.com/2076-3921/7/10/141
The positive news about CoQ10 keeps coming. I’ll stop with these: https://rbej.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12958-018-0343-0, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/acel.12368
From what I learned while researching this stuff, both CoQ10 and acetyl l-carnitine are antioxidants that are thought to be active in the mitochondria. The mitochondria is sometimes called the “battery” of the cell, supplying its energy as it does its job. After an egg leaves the nourishing environment of the ovary for its journey down the fallopian tube, its only source of energy is its own mitochondria. That’s what keeps it fresh and alive. So an antioxidant that might help the mitochondria have more energy might be crucial for keeping egg cells, and the DNA inside them, better organized for longer -- long enough to conceive. This theory would apply to sperm cells as well, and is thought to be why taking these supplements gives people more energy. Young people have a lot of CoQ10 in their bodies, but after age 25 or so, our natural production goes down.
Here’s a study about egg quality and acetyl l-carnitine (ALCAR): https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378432012002436
There isn’t as much research, especially in humans, on ACLAR as there is on CoQ10, but what’s been done so far looks promising. Here’s a study in mice: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378432012002436
As for alpha lipoic acid (ALA), my understanding is that this is thought to be beneficial for diabetics because of its effects on the pancreas. The pancreas and the ovaries are similar in the way they age (again, according to things I read while I was researching like crazy). While I’m not overweight, I’ve always had high blood sugar, and have type 2 diabetes on both sides of my family. So I added this to my regimen too.
Research: ALA supplementation is thought to be safe during pregnancy: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09513590.2018.1462320
A small study has shown ALA to be helpful in patients with PCOS undergoing IVF: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Luisa_Caponecchia/publication/303088959_Effect_of_myo-inositol_and_alpha-lipoic_acid_on_oocyte_quality_in_polycystic_ovary_syndrome_non-obese_women_undergoing_in_vitro_fertilization_a_pilot_study/links/584fb41c08ae4bc8993b3211/Effect-of-myo-inositol-and-alpha-lipoic-acid-on-oocyte-quality-in-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-non-obese-women-undergoing-in-vitro-fertilization-a-pilot-study.pdf
Anyway, if you're still reading, pregnancy number 4 was a success. I quit every supplement except for prenatal vitamins. My doctor at the IVF clinic put me on progesterone until I got through week 10, in case a progesterone deficiency was the cause of my previous miscarriages. She’d never tested for this, so the progesterone was just a precaution. I’d always been plenty nauseated with each of my pregnancies, and the supplemental progesterone only made it worse. All I could eat were dry crackers. After reading a few things about the potential effects of progesterone on an embryo, I don’t think I’d do it again, not unless my doctor had a test result suggesting that it was what I really needed.
My doctor also recommended I start taking baby aspirin, 81 mgs/day, to be continued throughout the pregnancy, in case I had an issue with blood clotting that was causing the miscarriages. She’d never tested me for it, and given my AFC and AMH and FSH levels, it seemed like we already knew what my problem was, but she said it couldn’t hurt, so I went on it and stayed on it until 36 weeks.
Two years later, while I was supplementing with just prenatal vitamins and CoQ10, and without really trying, we got pregnant again. Baby #1 is now five years old, and #2 is three.

before i say all this i just wanna say ive come to terms that it is my fault and i apologized to all parties include. I do however just wanna get it out and get a different opinion than the people involved.
I am 20f and my boyfriend is a 19m. We met at an adult continuing school I’ve been going to since Aug of last year. I met him some time in Feb of 2024 and started dating a few weeks later. Before meeting my boyfriend though, I became friends with a girl who we will refer to as SB (18) (not her initials just short for Subject B lol). So, this girl I met her in the same school as my boyfriend but months before. We came together due to another incident that has nothing to do with this current story. Anyways, so I realized things about SB that I really did not appreciate and I’m actually a very timid person & I have issues controlling my emotions so confrontation is a really difficult task for me. I knew she wasn’t the most reasonable person to speak to, so I just let the problems build up inside of me. Some of the main things that really bothered me was just overall how she treated me. This isn’t to boast or brag but I feel I’ve done my best to show her I cared for her. I drove out to her at the dead of night to give her eardrops for an ear infection she was having, Ive bought her food multiple times. I went to the hospital with her, where we stayed for 4 hours because no one else in her family wanted to bring her. Basically, I tried to be the best friend I could for her. I have given her advice based on her current life situations. I’ve given her a listening ear. And somehow, I still feel like it wasn’t enough and that she still just disliked me.
I wanna say the first occurence was when I made it clear I really didn’t like being called by my whole name. Everyone knew I liked the shorter version of my name and that’s all I was referred to by. She did not care, she would still do it to… taunt me? I believe.. to joke around ? Maybe. But I didn’t like it. I even asked her to stop and she was like Oh okay {my name}.
While that’s minor it just showed me she wasn’t respecting me the way I’d like.
What really started the timer on our doomed friendship was the day my boyfriend invited us (SB and I) to a little spot he knew to smoke and just hang out after class. It was at a park underneath a bridge. So, SB did originally state she did not want to go to the bridge, because she was scared. I guess in a way we did peer pressure her? We just tried to reassure and convince her it would be okay since we were all together. It was my first time going as well, so I was just being hopeful and adventurous. When we arrived, really it was such an easy spot to get to, I thought for sure she would feel relaxed. I noticed she was scared to cross over this small bridge we were walking so I offered to help her twice. Twice I offered my hand and she told me she was fine and that she had it. So I continued about my business and crossed over. Not even 5 seconds later I look behind me and shes grasping onto my boyfriend to cross over. Really I didn’t think any of it then. I didn’t mind.
That was only the beginning. She got so comfortable touching my boyfriend & confiding in him with things her own boyfriend didn’t know about. She pulled my boyfriends arm hair, sometimes his real hair. She tried tripping him a lot. She was just very… playful. Which, really. I wouldn’t have minded if I wasn’t so doubtful she liked me. My boyfriend agreed she was weird & felt uncomfortable with her touching him and even asked her to stop. Mind you, she also had a boyfriend (18) who we can refer to as M. When she got mad at me she wouldn’t tell anyone, not me, not her boyfriend. Not our other older friend who we can call T. (30F) Nope, the only person she told was ofc my boyfriend. She texted him behind my back multiple times to tell him I was “being dramatic” over things he was doing that I was concerned with. Which, understanable if I was. But why did you tell him and not me?
Her boyfriend also told my boyfriend and I that he felt the relationship with her was very unfair, that it was her way or no way. My boyfriend thankfully explained that that wasn’t the case with us and he found me to be very fair (thankfully) Lol. I pitied her boyfriend because I agreed she was very entitled.
I finally broke and confided to T how I felt about everything. I didn’t say anything rude, I didn’t call her bad names. I didn’t say I didn’t like her. I simply expressed my discomfort. And man oh man was that a mistake. T ended up telling SB I wanted to talk to her & that I had a lot to say. IDK, I’m assuming she made it sound really bad because all I know is monday morning at school, M came towards me and my bf with attitude asking what the problem with his gf was.
I was confused as fuck to say the least. I had no idea T told SB what we talked about & I wouldn’t know why she did because I had asked her not to mention it as I wanted to bring it up myself. SB was going through a rough time with her father sick, so I hadn’t talked to her much. Two minutes later T and SB also came down where me and my bf were at and T told me she wanted us to talk. When I stepped out into the hallway, I got into a flight or a fight mode. SB was walking around in circles, hands balled into fists punching the palm of the opposite hand. She was muttering to herself words like “Bitch… talking shit about me… say it to my face”.
I was like nope I’m good. I walked away and said I wasn’t dealing with this. M turned towards me and said I better deal with it. To my luck the bell for the next class rang so they all left. SB texted me from M’s phone to say I was insecure, she didn’t wanna talk with me anymore, that she was just done with me. M wanted to fight my bf, he called me a weird person, a bitch.. all of the above really. That was it technically. It ended there.
I can’t help but feel bad about it. Maybe I was overreacting, maybe I shouldn’t have said amything about it. Maybe I SHOULD have just mentioned it to SB. But THIS was literally what I was afraid of. I was afraid of it turning into something big and unnecessary. I just feel I ruined everything. I have BPD, depression, and anxiety so really I already feel like I am out of my mind and always afraid of others hating me. Ive apologized to my boyfriend for getting him caught up in the nonsense. I apologized to SB and T. The only person I felt didn’t deserve my apology was M.
So, AITA?

Hey Everyone! I’m a Hispanic male/nonbinary person. Looking to make a nice connection with a nice open masculine man. I lean more towards the feminine side of the scale and want to be up front about that. Additionally, I’m typing this on my phone so forgive me on spelling, grammar, and editing issues.
My Hobbies: Video Games, meeting new people, reading books, taking long walks, trying new restaurants, going out to dance, shopping, and traveling.
Physical Description: As I stated before I’m Hispanic. I lean on the feminine side. I stand at about 5’6. Average body. Thicc thighs and booty lol. I keep my hair short. I’ve been described often as cute. I’m light skinned. I have my ears pierced. I’m happy to send pics and you should be too.
What I’m looking for: Ideally I’m looking for a masculine top. But more importantly someone I can be friends with. If you’re someone who struggles to maintain contact and can’t initiate conversation it’ll be hard for us. I want us both to feel wanted. We can start on reddit chat and then work to other apps if we click. Please be around my age. Lowest age I will go is 26 years old. My ideal friend would be someone who is open to platonic and romantic pursuits.
If any of this resonates with you please message me.
Hope to hear from yall soon.

I get tactile allodynia- usually on my thighs, forearms, etc. It almost never happens anymore since being on Cymbalta.
I’m currently being treated for a bad case of BV and a UTI (thanks to being immunocompromised).
I’ve now got it on basically all the areas that touch a chair when sitting. All between my legs, the backs of my thighs/butt, down my legs. Holy cow, is it painful. The air hurts, clothing hurts, the lightest touch hurts. My skin is so sensitive to touch that I feel like I can’t sit down.
Is it normal for this to happen during an infection like this, or has anyone else had this?
What else can I do to alleviate the pain until it passes? Obviously NSAID’s don’t work.

So I'm seeing my ob/gyn tomorrow because I'm convinced I was misdiagnosed with PCOS for over a decade. I am in my mid-30's, my hair is greying, dry and almost gone. My skin is dry. My eyes are dry. I'm skin and bones but weigh 180 pounds (my weight has all shifted to my belly, it looks ridiculous). Most scary is that I was looking at old photos and my face shape has definitely changed. I had issues with my jaw for a decade now that were always brushed off. My jaw has definitely shrunk and the right side hurts constantly. My eyes have the grey, sunken look associated with much older women and even my pubic hair is thinning out. My knee and wrist joints are out of whack too.
For starters, I had my first period at 13, which then came maybe twice a year afterwards. My feminine development literally stalled at that age, height and breast size. Fat never distributed AT ALL to my lower half (hips, butt, thighs). Only my belly, even at that age. I was the skinny kid, bullied a lot. Neglected at home and ate horribly, got sick easily. But doctors never diagnosed me when I sought answers at 17. Prolactin and thyroid were a bit off but then tested fine a second time. Testosterone also normal. No idea if they even tested estrogen back then but was told it was impossible to test anyway, due to the cyclical nature (I never had a cycle but okay). And I was too afraid to try the birth control pill due to my mother forbidding it and fear mongering over it. I convinced myself I was a late bloomer, then eventually I got to the age where I assumed it was too late to do anything about it so started dressing to hide it, convinced I was being punished by my own genetics and poor lifestyle and there was nothing to be done. (For clarity, I am autistic and have CPTSD from childhood abuse and trauma, and am prone to distorted thought patterns and shameful feelings.)
Gained 30 pounds through the college diet and some of it went to my thighs which alleviated my dysphoria somewhat but I could tell something was wrong and it wasn't "puberty weight gain". I gained a pregnancy looking belly and started having hot flashes. My hair was falling out since my teen years. Hair loss was chalked to stress. Hot flashes got me laughed out of the doctor's office because I was "too young". Went to the doctor at 21, he shrugged and guessed PCOS after ultrasound showed follicles and put me on the pill. I was only on the pill for three months before deciding to go with dieting as per the general PCOS rules (soooooo stupid, I know). Had somewhat regular periods for about 6 months at 24 but after weight loss realized I was back to my underdeveloped 12-year-old body. Went to doctor at 25, completely panicked. Blood tests were normal at the time and it was chalked to PCOS once more. Got prescribed Diane 35 and at the time thought I was in the clear. Have been on the pill off and on for eight or so years now and my weight has been yoyo-ing since then. But while the pill did work at regulating my cycle, eventually they became lesser and darker. The last bleed I had was a few weeks ago and I'm convinced I only got it because of remnant estrogen from the pill. I just know in my gut that if I were to stop all birth control, I would never get my period again. If my 20's were marked by bizarre hormonal fluctuations, night sweats and infrequent but heavy periods, my 30's are currently marked by lack of cramping, barely existent bleeding, feeling aged and dried up and just hormonally.... dead.
NO doctor ever brought up POI as even a possibility. The designated response to women seems to be to suggest we are crazy or that the situation is not as severe as we think it is. Endocrinologist I waited nine months to see a few years ago after lockdown read the referral that said "suspected PCOS" and didn't even meet with me, sent a resident in to talk to me. Sent me on my way. But I just know in my gut my ovaries have been failing since adolescence and I am TERRIFIED. I look like a dictionary case of estrogen deficiency at this point and it seems I might have been perimenopausal since adolescence. Was almost certainly perimenopausal ten years ago, which means I'm basically an old lady now in my 30's and HRT probably won't work with me. Looking up the symptoms of this disease untreated is giving me panic attacks akin to finding out I have a terminal illness. But even if I'm not terminally ill, I look awful and my quality of life is miserable. I am doomed either way and worst of all, I could have prevented most of the damage had I been diagnosed sooner or at the very LEAST, went on the BCP when I was younger.
I'm sorry if this was a frustrating or difficult read. I'm just so, so scared. I feel like the cautionary tale of this disorder and I'm in Hell. More awareness needs to be spread about this disease. This simply should NOT happen. To anyone. Especially young girls and women who aren't given info to make informed decisions or can't advocate for themselves. I just am at my rope's end and can't relax.

I'm an alcoholic, I've been sxually assaulted, groomed online at 11, groomed by dad until 13, possibly as r*ped by dad at 3-4, my dad is an angry drunk and my mom has been addicted to xans for 17 yrs of my life. I have fucking cptsd and a possible dissociative disorder. I've had psychotic episodes from 11-15 that have probably fried my brain. I accidentally tried to off myself at 9/10 and tried again at 11/12. I've alr taken pills and I started drinking at 14. I literally cut a hole in my ankle w nail scissors and sawed my nose bridge w a butter knife at 11. I still remember what both of them sounded like. I wish I didn't the sound is horrible.
I had alcohol poisoning which gave me a seizure and landed me in the er 1 month ago, I was s*xually assaulted 3 weeks ago, I have exams, I have 2 infected cysts, my room is a literal biohazard, my skin looks like shit cus I haven't been taking care of it, I haven't texted back any of the ppl I'm trying to date in like a month, AND the thing that rlly shits me is that my mom ordered my fav takeout and I didn't even eat it. It was fucking £18 and I have not had a single bite. I can't even eat it later cus I left it out for hrs and forgot abt it so now I have to throw away my fav food that my mom ordered. I'm literally abt to cry that was my fav food and I was so excited but I forgot abt it and now I can't have it. All I wanted was my fucking chicken, milkshake, and mac n cheese. I rlly wanted that food.
On top of all that me and my mom had a fight last night where I ended up telling her that I don't feel like she cares abt me, that she never wanted me/a child, that she would've been happier if she never had me. I feel like me being born was the start of the downward spiral in her life and I'm scared ill end up like her. If she never had me she wouldn't have stayed w my dad. I'm worried ill end up older, no friends, hating my job, no s/o and crying to my kid abt how I hate my job.
I feel like I was doomed from the start. I come from a line of drug addicts, alcoholics, and depressed ppl. My grandpa was an alcoholic, my dad is an alcoholic, my mom was addicted to xans, my grandma was addicted to xans, and my other grandma had depression. It's also been mentioned that all my grandparents' parents rlly sucked.
I left my childhood hair clip box in a hotel room 2 yrs ago when we moved countries to leave my dad. It's cus we didn't pack properly and we had to take all our stuff in trash bags to a hotel. We couldn't fit everything into our bags. I left it to take some of my mom's stuff. It was a very cute little brown square box w a checkered border on the lid. It had lots of cute stickers and little girl hair clips and it had stickers of little Einsteins and the wonder pets. If ur wondering if im still pissed abt that, the answer is yes. It was a cute little box that was mine that I wasn't ready to let go of but I had to leave it in a dingy hotel so its probably in a landfill rn or it's been incinerated so that's js fucking amazing.
If ur wondering if I want to off myself or if I will try the answer is no. I like movies and my dog and my mom and music and flowers and ppl laughing too much. I also have a lot of ppl I fucking hate and I refuse to die before them out of spite so I'm def not dying.
Edit: the cysts r not from the sa it was groping over my clothes and also js wanted to say that sometimes I feel like being sa'd and stuff was inevitable. Like I feel like it was js my destiny in some twisted way like it was always going to happen to me whether it was now or when I'm 80. A boy also told me that girls like me get r*ped so that might be part of why I think like this.

36F 265lbs 5'7''
History of Autoimmune conditions (I have a very big medical history with a lot of things, but autoimmune covers most of it lol.)
I'm pale with a redhead complexion and lots of freckles, small leather patches and tan moles.
For a few years now every few months a seemingly random mole or two turns pink losing its pigment and starts peeling and gets a sore in the center. It will keep peeling and being a sore for a couple weeks before it turns into a light pink scar. Then eventually it turns into a white scar.
I have approached this with my GP repeatedly, but he shrugs and tells me it's not a mole, just a sore. So I shrugged it off thinking, hey maybe it wasn't a mole to start with, though some of them I'd had for years.
About a week ago a mole I've had since I was a child started doing this. And I KNOW beyond a doubt, it was a mole. I've been plucking the bundle of inch long hairs that grow out of it for years! It's the only prominent tan anything I have there as it's on my very pale relatively unfreckled thigh. I've never had anything weird happen with this mole. Until now. Because there is no mole anymore. It's pink and peeling with a sore in the center just like the others and no longer seems to have tan pigment (except for a very small segment which seems to be fading). It kind of resembles a bug bite with the mound and hollow center. So I'm now confident I was right to start with and they all started out as moles. I'd say I've had 15-20 transition that I've noticed.
What could this be? I mean once they transition they just turn into scars so I know it's probably not anything horrible like skin cancer. I'm just not understanding what it actually is? I've never even heard of moles going away, much less in this way. And with the myriad of other health concerns I have, something like this seems frivolous to focus on during my doctor appointments. Particularly when the doctor clearly doesn't seem interested in finding out what it is.

Hi guys (my english is not really good so... i hope you will understand) between 2016 and 2018 i find out a cool webtoon about a man who was inlove with a pink haired girl in a distopic world. if my memory does not fail me the story begin with the protagonist standing upon a bunch of dead zombies watching a picture of the girl he loved while waiting for his own death but just after he died he goes back to his highschool. The zombies was called infected and some People gain powers when instead of become infected. to master their powers they have to use breathing techniques and when they reach level 2 they got tatooes (the best friend of the protagonist got a tatoo on the dick btw) the protagonist was good at everything the best friend was a sniper and a girl(daugther of the past life mentor of the protagonist) got speed tatooes.

Hello,
I just recently moved and I noticed when washing my hair that it smells like McDonald’s French fries after wetting it. I do admittedly have fairly hard water, and shampoo twice a week and use moisturizing conditioner daily.
After doing some research on this sub, I thought it may be fungal or yeast related but the only symptoms I’m experiencing are that smell (only when hair is wet) and an occasionally itchy scalp. I previously used head and shoulders shampoo but since went and bought Nizoral last night which I will use every day for the next few weeks.
When looking up the symptoms of a scalp yeast infection it seems much more severe than what I am experiencing. I am curious if this is just a combination of sweat and possibly from buildup due to the minerals in the water? Has anyone experienced or heard of anything similar?
Also, I do not eat fried foods often or work at a restaurant. Hopefully this filters out the “wash your hair” comments as I’m truly baffled here lol.
All opinions are appreciated. Thank you!

First Previous
"That was terrible."
Lissa was wearing her Homestar dress. Yvian didn't know how the Peacekeepers had made it, but it was the second most amazing piece of clothing she'd ever seen. The fabric, if it was fabric, showed a perfect holographic image of stars in the void. In the center of Lissa's chest, right over her heart, was Pixa's Homestar, bright and burning and beautiful. Lissa's hair had been done up in an elaborate style with lots of curls. She'd looked regal giving her speech. Like a ruler from the days of old. Now she just looked annoyed.
"I told you I don't do speeches," Yvian reminded her. The pixen was wearing her own Homestar dress. Hers showed a crystal city under a clear blue sky. Like Lissa's, her dress had the Homestar centered over her heart, but this time it was the view from the ground. Normally wearing the dress made Yvian feel pretty and powerful. Today it made her feel like a fraud.
"Yeah, I can see that." Lissa frowned at her. "You sound like you're reading off a prompter."
"I am reading off a prompter," Yvian frowned right back. She pointed at the holodisplay behind Lissa. It was the one from the kitchen. Mims had decided against bringing them back to New Pixa, so the crew had set up a studio in the cargo bay. Sort of. Really, it was just a podium and some recording equipment, but Lissa had looked official enough.
"Yeah," Lissa acknowledged, "but you're not supposed to sound like it. You're supposed to sound natural."
"I don't know how to do that!" Yvian snapped. She grimaced. "Sorry. This is just frustrating." She'd tried recording the speech six times now. "I shoot things for a living. I'm not made for public speaking."
"She really isn't," Scarrend agreed. The Vrrl lounged comfortably atop a cargo container, his head propped under two of his hands. He was armored. Mims had grudgingly agreed the pixens needed to dress up, but everyone else was combat ready.
"You're the one who wanted to start a country," Lissa told her. "You're going to have to speak in public from time to time."
"I know," Yvian grumbled. "I know. It's just... can we take a break or something? Maybe give me time to memorize the speech?" It was a good speech. Lissa had wrote it. Yvian just needed to figure out how to say it with feeling. She didn't think memorization would help, but it was worth a try.
"It is pretty close to dinner time," Captain Mims noted. "We could make some stir fry."
"Negative," Kilroy disagreed. "This unit told the citizens to expect a statement from Mother Yvian. The statement is scheduled for fifty three minutes and nine seconds from now." His eyes flashed yellow. "Also, this unit is enjoying the show."
"Of course you are." Lissa sighed. "This was a bad idea."
"Maybe we need a different approach." Captain Mims stepped in. "Have Yvain just... I dunno... talk about what she thinks."
"Mother Yvian has shown she can can speak well when she is speaking from the heart," Kilroy concurred.
"It can't be much worse than what you're doing," said Scarrend.
"I don't know about that," said Lissa. "You remember Zenla Station?"
"We don't talk about Zenla Station," Mims chided.
"What happened at Zenla Station?" Scarrend was curious.
"We don't talk about Zenla Station," Mims repeated, more firmly this time.
"Alright," Yvian hurriedly changed the subject. "Alright. I'll speak from the heart." She paused. "Um..."
"I'm gonna need a beer after this," Mims muttered.
"Quiet Mark," Lissa ordered. "Or I'm gonna make you give the speech."
"No you're not," the Captain told her. "You're not the boss of me. Besides, I'm human. No one cares what I think about all of this. It'd be like Scarrend giving a speech."
"I can give a speech if you want," the Vrrl volunteered. "Attention pixens, you are all fools. You are rioting over a database. Your culture is absurd, and watching you makes me glad I'm bound by treaty not to prey on your kind. I could never risk eating one of you now, for fear you'd somehow infect me with your stupid."
Lissa gave Scarrend a level look. "You worship people that enslaved your species. People," she pointed out, "that you literally ate out of existence."
Scarrend growled, half rising. Then he glanced at Mims and went back to lounging. "It was a terrible mistake," the Vrrl admitted. "Now there are no more gods to eat."
"You don't know what it's like," Yvian told him. "When you're a pixen... All we have is each other." Yvian could see the Vrrl didn't get it. "Our parents. Our community. They're everything. The only thing. Everyone else..." She stared at nothing, remembering things best forgotten. "Everyone else just takes. Other pixens are the only ones that love us. That help us. When Yasme disowned me..." She shook her head. "When she struck my name off the Registry, I didn't just lose her. I lost everyone. Everything. People I'd known since birth hated me now. They would kill me if they got the chance. I had no one but my sister, and I only had her because she loved me more than she loved being part of society."
"Even now, after Kilroy..." Yvian barely caught herself in time. Telling all of Pixa that the Peacekeepers had threatened and tortured Yasme into lying for them wouldn't go over well. "After we found what really happened..." Yvian shook her head. "I can't be comfortable around other pixens. It doesn't matter if my Mother didn't remove me by choice. I'm still motherless. I know I'm not welcome."
"Yvian..." Lissa started.
"That's what everyone lost," Yvian pretended she hadn't heard her. "It's not just a database. Being on the Registry of Families meant you were a pixen in good standing. It meant there were people who cared about you. It meant you were good enough. It's part of your identity. Now that part is gone, and everyone's feeling lost."
"I know what that's like." Yvian addressed the holo-imager directly. "Better than anyone. You feel like outcasts. But you're not. Not like... Not like I was. Your parents didn't reject you. Pixa did not reject you. You did not lose your place in Pixen society. You just lost the Registry. Our enemies broke it hoping that it would break you. But it won't. It doesn't have to." Yvian took a breath and closed her eyes. She borrowed a line from the speech Lissa had written. "We're all motherless now. Every one of us. And if everyone's motherless..." She opened her eyes, hoping she didn't sound as corny as she felt. "If everyone's motherless, maybe no one is." She crossed her arms, looking down. It was a lie. She was lying. She was still motherless. "At least..." She would always be motherless. "At least not from this."
Yvian forced herself to look up, to look at the imager again. She groped for more words, but they wouldn't come. "I guess..." She swallowed. "I guess that's all I have to say."
"Not bad, Sis." Lissa turned off the holo-imager. "I think we can work with that."
"Affirmative," Kilroy agreed. "Your statement was acceptable. This unit will upload it at the specified time."
"Good," said the Captain. "Let's go make dinner." He started walking. "I'm hungry."
"There is another matter that requires our attention," Kilroy reported.
"Ah, hell." The Captain stopped. "What is it now?"
"An agent of the Extraterrestrial Reconnaissance Organization has used the riots as cover to stage an escape." Yvian half expected the Peacekeeper's eyes to turn red, but they remained unlit.
"A spy?" Lissa frowned at him. "There aren't any spies in the Technocracy."
"There are hundreds of spies in the Technocracy," Mims told her.
"Sixteen hundred and thirty four," Kilroy confirmed, "that this unit knows of."
"What?" Lissa didn't want to believe it. "How? The only people there are pixens and Peacekeeper units."
"XTRO's been recruiting people to keep tabs on the Confederation for over a century," Mims explained. "Pixens are prime targets. Exploitable refugees that no one pays attention to, and most of them don't like the Confed anyway."
"But that's the Confederation," Lissa argued. "Why would anyone spy on the Technocracy? Against our own people?"
"They started out in the Confed, but it's not a surprise they were sent here once the Technocracy got going. As for why? " The Captain shrugged. "Lots of reasons. Doesn't matter. What's important is we have spies, and one of them got away." He turned to Kilroy. "Who was it?"
"Myrsa Trin," said the Peacekeeper.
"Myrsa?" Lissa shook her head in denial. "No. No way."
"Who's Myrsa?" Yvian asked.
"One of my assistants," Lissa explained. "She was in charge of coordinating refugee placement."
"She was also a spy for the humans," Scarrend helpfully added.
"Not her," Lissa was sure. "I knew her. Know her. We're friends. She's the only one that never said anything about..." She glanced guiltily at Yvian. "She can't be a spy."
"Myrsa Trin accessed and downloaded multiple databases before boarding a gladiator class ship," said Kilroy. "She left the sector eight minutes ago."
"You didn't stop her?" Yvian didn't see how a single ship could make it's way past the Peacekeepers. The Queenships alone could disable anything stupid enough to try, and they were backed by a million Stinger units and millions of Military vessels captured from the Federation and the Confed.
"Negative," Kilroy confirmed. "Myrsa Trin activated her jumpdrive without leaving the shipyard. Units were unable to target her in time."
"Crunch." Yvian was tired of bad news. At least this time wasn't as bad. The Peacekeepers didn't keep a lot of sensitive information where people could get it. She doubted that Myrsa could take anything that would really matter, even if she was one of Lissa's... Oh, shit. "Wait." She stared at Lissa with wide, worried eyes. "Did you say she was your assistant?"
"One of my best," Lissa confirmed. She glanced from Yvian to Mims, then to Kilroy. "I really trusted her."
"Trusted her enough to give her a Lucendian implant?" Yvian asked.
Lissa stared for a moment. Then she said, "Oh, shit."
"We have to go after her." Scarrend jumped down from his shipping container. "Before she brings the implant to the humans."
"We don't know where she went," Yvian pointed out.
"But we know where she's going," Scarrend countered. "If we jump straight to Wet Sector, we can destroy her ship before the humans can retrieve her."
"Negative," said Kilroy. "Killing Myrna Trin would be counterproductive."
"Counterproductive?" All three of the Vrrl's eyebrows furrowed. "Why?"
"Alert." Kilroy's eyes turned red. "Unusual energy reading detected. The reading is similar to a Klaath portal. It is coming from a Federation vessel docked in Tenril Station."
"Destroy it," Mims said immediately. "Try not to blow up the station."
"Affirmative," said the Peacekeeper. "Second energy reading detected. Aldara Sector, in the asteroid belt."
"Destroy it," Mims repeated. "Destroy them both."
"Negative," said the Peacekeeper. "The second energy source is out of weapons range. First energy source destroyed. The Federation ship is disabled. Tenril Station has sustained minor damage."
"How soon can you take out the other one?" The Captain's fists clenched.
"The asteroid is on the far end of the asteroid belt," Kilroy reported, "on the other side of Aldara's Homestar. It will take twenty three hours, four minutes for Peacekeeper Stinger units to enter weapons range."
"Shit."
"Alert." Kilroy's eyes flashed brighter. "Klaath clusters detected in Tenril Sector."

Hello I am a 21 yo F and received unprotected oral sex. About a week later I noticed some bumps on my labia but were not itchy and looked like ingrown hairs. I also have a tear right near my clitoris that has now turned into a scab. I also have been noticing random bumps on my inner thighs and back of my thighs almost on my butt. A few days later (now) I just ended my period and my vagina has been very very itchy and irritated. My lips seem a little swollen and I have excessive discharge. It is a pale yellow color. help!!! Im thinking it could possibly be a yeast infection or bv??? Maybe chlamydia

It was a blistering hot and sunny summer day as I lay out on the back deck tanning myself while naked except for the tiny thong bikini bottoms that Daddy insisted I wear, he likes the tanlines they provide and anything Daddy wants he gets.
My skin was glistening from lotion and sweat as my hair free and slim body basked in the brilliant sunshine. Moments later I heard Daddy return from the gym, he and his friends had gotten together for some basketball and then he was going to jog the mile back to home where he would find me eagerly waiting.
As the sliding door opened I glanced at my Daddy and smiled, his muscular body glistening with sweat as he stripped off his tank top and shorts, remaining in his jock as he leered at me and grinned. No words were needed, I was too well trained for that and I slid onto my knees as Daddy approached, his black skin gloriously exposed to my ravenous eyes.
Daddy stopped right in front of me, towering over me as he grabbed my head and pulled my face straight into his still jock covered manhood, I moaned as I inhaled his manly musk, savoring the aroma of a real man as Daddy spread his legs apart and forced my face forward until my nose nestled between his balls and asshole. His sweaty scent now flooding my nostrils with deliciousness as I rubbed his thick muscular thighs. Mmmmmmmm!! GOD!! I love his musky scent and would have been content to stay there longer but knew I had other tasks to perform.
Pulling my face from between his legs I reached up and slowly pulled his jock down, a fresh wave of his aroma filling my senses as his glorious black cock popped up in front of my eyes, his large balls dangling beneath as I took a moment to press his jock over my nose and mouth to inhale his scent deeply once more before I cast it aside and scooted forward slightly.
I looked Daddy directly into his eyes as I wrapped my hand around his now semi hard cock, enjoying the feel as I stroked it gently while now leaning forward and licking his sack, swirling my tongue around it before gently sucking on his testicles, engulfing first one and then the other in my mouth as his meat grew rock hard on my hand. I pulled back to gaze at Daddy's giant cock, this BBC had transformed my life and every time I had the honor of pleasing this 9 inch monster I tried to savor every sensation and moment.
Daddy groaned, a sign he was growing impatient so I pressed the tip of his cock to my lips, darting my tongue along the slit before swirling it all over and around its fat head as Daddy now groaned in pleasure. His cock was at its thickest point now, my hand no longer able to close around it as I parted my lips and sucked in the first half of this majestic cock. My mouth stretched wide as my tongue bathed Daddy's fleshy delight, my head bobbing up and down its length, sucking it deeper and deeper, the shaft glistening with my saliva as Daddy grabbed my head firmly.
Experience told me what was coming next and I relaxed my throat completely as Daddy shoved every inch of his fat cock straight into my mouth and down my throat, holding it inside as I began to choke a bit, the thick member wedged down my throat with my lips stretched wide and my nosed pressed firmly against Daddy's pubic area.
Even though it was only seconds, it felt longer but Daddy soon wrenched his cock out of my throat, strands of spittle clung to it and my lips, connecting us together as Daddy now slapped his cock across my face, while saying "Thats right bitch! Choke on my cock you dirty slut.!"
The assault on my throat continued for 10 minutes or more, Daddy brutally fucking my throat, gagging me with his cock while calling me his faggot slut and bitch and to be quite honest I loved every minute of it. Daddy had long ago shown me that I was not an Alpha man at all, I was a subservient beta bitch whose place was at an Alphas beck and call, fulfilling all his wants and wishes no matter how kinky or extreme they may be. This was something I had been trained and groomed for by Daddy and I never disappointed him in any way.
Soon the throat fucking ended as Daddy pulled me up and pushed me over to the deck railing, bending me over it and yanking my bikini bottom off, my little clit dick hanging limply as Daddy reached between my cheeks and grabbed hold of the plug nestled between and yanked it out with an audible pop. My hole was left gaping and dripping with lube, having a 8 inch long and 6 inches around plug buried in my hole for hours tends to leave you gaping.
That of course was part of the plan for the day as we both knew how horny Daddy would be when he got home. Too horny to want to engage in any foreplay, he would want to fuck and I best be prepared properly. I gasped as Daddy pulled my hops back and spread my feet apart while lining his still saliva soaked cock up to my pouting boy pussy.
I groaned in need as he pressed the tip to my eager hole, savoring this moment of pleasure before screaming loudly as Daddy jammed all 9 of his fat thickness deep inside me in on brutal thrust. My legs twitched as I moaned and squealed loudly, loud enough for our neighbors to no doubt hear as Daddy continued hammering inside me. His cock balls deep and then pulled completely free before pounding back inside my boy pussy. The depth and ferocity of his thrusts causing my clitty to drip as Daddy now spanked and verbally abused me while relentlessly pounding into my guts.
"You fucking love this you dirty bitch whiteboi. You love being pounded by a real dick, by a big black dick don't you faggot?" "YES DADDY! YES!! I love being your dirty bitch Daddy! Fuck me Daddy please!"
Daddy continued pounding my hole, my ass burning with pleasure as he once again asserted his dominance over me. I was his slut, bitch, whore or any number of other words for a submissive bottom bitch boy and I loved every minute of it. Our bodies were dipping with sweat, the Sun beating down on us as Daddy enjoyed using my hole for his pleasure. It was easily 30 minutes or more of deep fucking before with one more mighty thrust, Daddy sank balls deep and groaned out loud as his cock swelled and emptied a torrent of cum into my greedy boipussy.
I moaned and my body twitched in pleasure as I was bred by my Daddy, his load of juice flooding my guts as I took pleasure in the knowledge that I had pleased him. I sighed and outed as Daddy slid his cock out, my hole left gaping and leaking as I spun around and licked Daddy's cock clean, my tongue bathing every inch, the taste of my ass and his cum quite intoxicating to me.
"You were such a good slut for Daddy little sweetie!" Daddy smiled at me and pulled me to my feet while stroking my ass. "Its time that we get you cleaned up, I invited some of the guys over for a cookout and they'll be here shortly. Can't have you looking like a cum soaked sweaty whore when they arrive."
I smiled and giggled as Daddy led me to the shower, my thoughts racing ahead to the cookout activities that would be occurring later. Afterall, this wasn't the first time Daddy and I had a "cookout" with his friends but thats a story for perhaps another day!!

I’m in a real pickle and I could use some advice. There is nothing that anyone could say that could make feel worse about the situation I’m in so I’m also seeking comfort and kindness.
My mom was diagnosed with MS when I was around 12 years old and I’m 38 now. I’m an only child on my Mom’s side. Her and my father have divorced for 35 years. She hasn’t always needed the level of support that she requires now but I’ve always felt a responsibility towards her. It’s really been the last decade that has required me to step into a full time caregiving role.
A few years ago I was able to get a state program that allows me to be paid for 40hrs/wk as a caregiver. It’s not enough money to live on so I also have to have another job to make ends meet. My mom also needs more than 40 hrs of care a week. I’m currently on a LOA from that job because my mom is really struggling and needs someone with her during the waking hours. I was recently able to get an aide to come and sit with my mom for 6 hrs 3x per week.
During the winter my mom got a UTI that she could not shake. This caused a lot of falls. Luckily, no broken bones. She’s 70. The UTI persisted for months. I think the antibiotics were only getting about 90% of it and then it would just grow again. The UTIs really wiped her out of energy and the falls were awful. She was already not walking well because of the MS.
After her last trip to the ER I was able to get Physical and Occupational therapy in to help try and get some of her strength back. The problem was she was exhausted from fighting an infection for months. I had to discharge her from PT and OT because they were frustrated with her for being tired. I think they took her exhaustion as her not wanting help. With MS managing your energy is important and I made the best decision I could at the time to let her catch up on rest.
I tried my best to keep my mom moving on my own but the falls kept on happening so I just started changing her in bed. Now I can’t get her up at all on my own. Her hair has started to matte behind her head because I can’t really get to it. Even in a hospital style bed I can’t get her to sit up enough and lean forward for me to get to it. The aide that comes is an older lady and physically isn’t strong enough to help me get her in the shower. I have another referral in for PT and a home health aide to come and help me but they haven’t taken it yet.
I don’t know what to do now. If I call the ambulance and have them take my mom to the hospital I’m honestly embarrassed because I’ve let it get to this place. They also won’t discharge my mom back to me if she can’t stand. She still lives in her own apartment. I come every morning and stay with her all day. She’s only alone to sleep. If they discharge her to a rehab then I have no income. That’s terrifying on its own. My mom has been in different rehabs in our area and not been treated the best and the idea of that with her lowered level of mobility (she’s always been able to stand and walk with assistance before) is heartbreaking.
My mom and I have always had a very codependent relationship. I’ve always had “caring for my mom” as a crutch or really an excuse. I’ve only just been able to really say that to myself and realize what I’ve done. There is a lot to unpack with that but it’s probably a separate post.
I think I’ve really painted us both into the corner and I’m not sure what to do. I have no help but my mom is a 2 person job right now.