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Had to remove a player for the first time an what caused it. C/TW: mentions of in game bodily harm, likely manipulative/gaslighting.
2024.04.29 04:14 TJKitsune Had to remove a player for the first time an what caused it. C/TW: mentions of in game bodily harm, likely manipulative/gaslighting.
I recently had to properly kick my first ever player, things got a little intense between us for it and well left me on the all sorts of spectrum of emotions sides. I just had to get both feelings and my logic for the reasons for this removal of at the start, a good player and good guy and character that.. to me just started to not be. Maybe to just vent out, maybe to see if I was justified, but also to hope that, if there were points I didnt see or think of at the time that someone can help me think better if a scenario ever bubbles up like this, I have a better headspace to go about things right.
To start, I am more or less a newby forever DM (1 oneshot game to my belt under as a player), my current running campaign is only my second, going 2 years strong now. Its been bumpy recently do to my work schedule last few months but we are nearly up to our 100th session together and things have begun to heat up story wise and excitement wise by my players. Everything's in the story is homebrew more or less, both my own works and others I found and my players bring up to me.
At the start of the game, I had 5 starting players, and the one in question was one of them. We lost a few of them, first sadly I more suggested he leave, as much as he wanted to play, it was to the point he was playing while traveling via busses, planes and others (he traveled alot for his daily life events he couldnt get out of) an never mentioned when these would happen. That went smooth, we were both polite and I wasnt upset with them, just upset a good player like him will have hard times with finding a table. Better ways, would have been having a blast with them to this day. The second was starting to act up, I had to shoot him down a bit hard at times, more so when a new player, a girl, joined up an he started being a bit inappropriate and not act like the character he told me he would be. After I started blocking his more chaotic antics, he pretty much ghosted the group all together. Our third player who left is more on a prolonged hiatus cause of his work schedule, but he keeps in contact. So as far as the original party goes there are only two, with the first whom replaced our enthusiastic but unable to stay with us player being 'Miss 3 1/2's'.
With most of that out of the way, I can get onto the player in question. Again, he was there from the start, only second in my player search to start this campaign. Wanting to play a neutral good paladin who grew up a simple farmers life and was on a life walk-about to enrich himself before his turn to take over the family farmlands. At the start things were bit fine, he showed a general interest to hooks that kinda developed in the intro fight, making some good goofy aspects with his character and interactions and at least at first, an interest to some of the things in the world at the time. But looking back, I did likely trust him with a bit much, the other characters likewise were very 'go with teh flow' but they liked to investigate and get into things outside the city that they were given slight hero titles to after the start of things. With him though, he did 'actively' have his character go to get the town effective 'quest board' and ask around if people needed help with things... and.. not tell the other PC's about it or try an start the missions or plots.
While in itself it wasnt 'bad' people also trusted him a bit as 'the note taker' at first, so maybe we just expected him to go into things later or something, but, this became something I was concerned of with him on it. I mentioned his own story progression aspects from the start of the game, well, when given a lead that would let him undo a poor families ailment he showed interests too with time to go at least check it.. he suddenly invented a sister for his character.. who was getting married, back in his home country, that they 'had' to visit right then an there.
He had been vague about his characters history, he may have mentioned a sister 'in passing' but nothing ever set in stone besides his Grandfather being the true head of the farm and his dad. Not even anything about his characters mother, an now suddenly he wanted to spend a week or two travel via air ship to go see a 'new fiance' on top of it. I admit, I wasn't too happy but I also didnt outright pull him to the side to talk about that. Mark against me I know.
But it kind of worked out, as because no one could do much since he was kinda blocking the group from reaching the intended quest givers that he swore he would get with (2 of the other remaining characters at the time mostly had their stuff working on things they were trying to do that wasnt too crazy but at least progressed their characters in ways). And Miss 3 1/2 wasnt sure of her character at the time so played a temp one to feel out being another class and style for a bit. It helped her bloom a little. They ended up helping another little quest idea i had for halloween, late it was, but had fun with it an great action. But do to how that took an bad dice rolls which I do no flub or such, they got sidetracked from things an had to go back to go onto a quest 3 1/2 got them to.. an he wasnt exactly actively happy or doing the quest (guard a noblewoman on a quest to one of the countries for buisness matters. Kinda.. avoided the woman in weird ways.. like trying to push the hotel cooks asideto 'show them how its done'..).
When the crew finished with it, it was with another teaser to quest lines he was kinda pinning the group with. Again unfortunately the rest were 'kinda' okay with his choice on it but they were doing a bit more to be active now so it wasnt likely to work out for long. Around this time is when 'Work Haitus' had to sadly step away, so i started to put feelers out for new players again. During this time, he was still kinda pulling back on things as best he could, but he started to show a.. interesting trait. He wanted to start 'grinding' for EXP.. without going into the literal forest where some creatures could be faught, instead, he went to the city coliseum. Now this was explained since session one, I dont give any real EXP for fights there, quit literally if you have a fun sparing match or a more rough bloody match in it against a tamed or caught creature or class person, you'll only end up with 1 xp point. I did this cause I heard of a number of stories of 'those' players showing up, going to fight pits to make themselves stronger an not bother with rp time stuff. But I also tweaked it, so you could make bets for yourself, and the boon of prize and noterity (IE, people start being more favorable to you, seek you out that sort of stuff.. which considering he had so many 'hidden to activate quests' at this point wouldnt have mattered either way). He very quickly stopped after his 2nd or so solo attempt and made a passing comment on being upset of it. I overlooked that time.
During this, the entire party collectively was sought out, as the city knew 'all of them' roughly, so no reason only someone looking to the quest board would be involved alone. They were given a new quest by a neighboring kingdom, to deal with monsters they had ties with from the start as an already active side-story plot. He kinda 'backed' a bit into doing his characters 'im off to clean the broom closet' antics during some of this.. alot.. so looking back it feels he was upset not only was he not 'in charge' of getting the quests, but that the whole party agreed to be invovled with it regardless of anything else. I did try to bring him bback in, by having that Sister and her Fiance appear to meet them since he couldnt make the meeting.
There was some .. issues.. he kinda started to instantly mistrust the fiance, he litterally used 'every' detection spell he had on them trying to sus if they were demon, enregy or otherwise. An more or less ignored the sister even when she asked him his plans on things.. an since he 'left the sibling things to me besides she pranks him maybe' he didnt seem thrilled that she was upset the 'Lord title' brother, who won plots of land in this country an was going to open, I kid you not, an 'Pizzaria Inn petting zoo pet super plant farm forge and factory' on said plot of land with 'secret super caves our befriended monster friend will terraforming for us'. Short version of the monster thing.. monster had no such ability and at best had very tiny cute versions of itself digging out the cave, one pebble at a time.. this is when i noticed he sort of 'half' listened to details given.
I will admit, I wanted to have a moment where the sister was going to become some sort of 'rival', if she couldnt find way to convince the older men who are currently running the farm that big bro might have more important things to do as 'a Lordship hero paladin' maybe its time to break 'the men run the farm' tradition. In character he was warned 'she really wants your farm, and as someone whose seen people go extremes maybe you should reach out to her so its not so bad an no bad blood has to happen'... he kinda took it that she wants him dead, sorta. Took a bit with the informer to correct it.
He .. 'kinda' tried to 'make it up to her' i think by baking her favorite pie an admittedly as a nice act gave her his holly symbol which was the family's given by grandpa to him.. no biggy as the city hade a temple of his goddess to get a replacement soo.. yeah. Honestly I did talk with him a little on it.. but this is when another aspect started being apparent.
I hadnt mentioned, but I am not a fan of no call no show specially when we had a constant schedule, he had a few, but 'did' sorta apologize, at first. We do everything discord and roll20, so when he starts to not appear i would '@' the group and then '@' via DM's, and there maybe 'weeks' to 'months' if theres nothing 'important' to talk to me about response wise. And at the start of those times he started missing alot. An also, not apologizing or saying why. He doesnt always have to I know, but given we were having fewer players, wed have sudden 'we cant plays' cause it was 2 people only..
Then, we get introduced to not one or two but three new players. I kinda worried with them being prior friends and click group but its been working out for most part. Timing for ones admittedly stunk, an their on a personal leave Im not faulting but having their character background for now. They show up, an their characters, well starting at high level for at least 2 fresh faces an one long term one is a little odd, but its been fun. They instantly get into their characters mindsets, weird quirks that fit their upbringings and own style of things, but they also work as a functional communicating and asking questions group with slight airs of 'they are not lower class but deal with both from the noble side of things' air to them. Again its worked out, given they lost a litter hard hitter the three work great.
As the plot went, they were actually being lured away by a group who they helped bust antics an get called out on it in the city, the bait was just 'oh it might be the same type of monster you guys are looking for who might eat an entire city', done via a modified memory spell on the patsy. They were lead to a campsite the badguys set up to be a kill/trap spot.. It was a bit rough with things, but the group was doing 'amazingly' well. But I had an even bigger surprise for everyone, to take our game to a new level an give a 'big' meaty plot hook to hype and put every character on an equal 'i dont know anyone around here/dont have the same resources you do' foot from how the characters went, as an idea to build their bonds.
The trap, got ambushed, by a big honken monster I teased the first players with barely into session 4 that was a corps but came back. An this thing was a beast, CR minimal 20+ an higher (i suck at figuren the maths) but yeah, it was 'not' a winnable fight they could escape from that even the badguys said 'truce till were not monster food???'
It blew apart the trap-badguys, an sent the PC's hurdling into a space that was supost to be instant death, but plot armor I intended for em saved them if only 'barely' but now, their in ' a ocean like space between the outter realm and multi realms', with faint contact by the holly characters gods saying 'theres a way back, you must return'. including to the Paladin an 3 1/2 (who is cleric).. and honestly, everyones raved to me about it.. but looking back agian, given lack of Paladins communications 'out' of his appearances in game.. he hasnt said much, unless someone else starts it..an even then its.. barely a sentence..
The players were picked up by 'friendly pirates' an have been discovering things and gaining new strengths.. least, most of them again. 3 1/2 really bounded with the new NPC's an been expanding their character (shes been very creative that way an shes really gotten into the player bug, im sooo happy i could get her into the hobby) the new players had their growths too, the full slightly higher brow noble of them has come to terms 'hes mortal an can die, but people need his strength' too, as well as 'living is hard.. their not just 'dirty' or something by chance its just the efforts of their brow' to the sorceress of his friends being delighted to be sailing the seas with quirky merman, turtle an other type pirates with treasures an jerks to kick in the seat of the pants. Even the other first player has tried new character aspects, trying to be a 'new version' of himself till an event happened (which he half told me of, but it was more workable then 'sudden sister quest').
But.. paladin has been a bit more missing an sadly we have had spotty game times cause this is when my own work schedule has been bad. An again, he never gets back or says 'oh sorry cant make it' or whatever happened. I brought up a bit ago about his passing remarks of the exp thing for this point to make, he doesnt like to have his character have much of my homebrew stuff.. despite how many treasures hes had that hes just gone 'i sell it' or 'eh if you want it take it dont want it' that has been (a) a plot starter, or (b) a pretty handy if maybe OP item, hes just passed them off even from session z where I give every player chances to pick a unique thing for their character that helps tie them to the world. He opted out of it, an through everything they have done an gathered.. hes held onto a grand total of 2 homebrew things.. a sword, that after a 'certin point' he used as his hexblade warlock focus point with his goddess also being his patron, and 'one' spell that I had to reach out to offer him, well, technically '2' spells. One that he could use to turn a mundane object into a powerful magic weapon, an a ritual spell that he needs to cast to regain uses of the other spell.
The reason this ties to the EXP block from the coliseum bit, is because as part of the ritual to regain usages, he has to create a small 'choke point' of a ritual spell ring to fight an unending horde of monsters that the spell summons to fight just him. Now, the monsters are extremely low level, like 1/4 cr, an they wont try an kill him, as the ritual ends when hes KO'ed. It took a bit before he had to properly cast it in ession (big surprise, had him recharging it on some of the missing day's of his). But when eh did, an he finished it, he did instantly ask 'how much exp to i get?' an kinda grew hushed when I said 'you.. get your six usages of your spell back?'. I.. low key wonder if he wanted to try an use it as a cheat to grind or something..
This also does not help that, just prior, 3 1/2 managed to do our 'biggest' damage in a single round during a hord fight, literally between her spells an a new weapon with some seriously amazing rolls, did over 200 hp of damage on her own. To the point she KO'ed the boss monster leader. granted it was with a smart play and some literal crit hits, but thats when his vibe for games started kinda feeling off big time. An come now, to the more recent events before the kick..
I had a rare day off i could have a game completely unhindered, an we agreed to all have it.. sadly starter 2 forgot the US has Daylights saving, so we did loose an hour for him getten outta work. Eh it happens. An sadly the new 3 didnt get to join in so it was an agreed on one shot. Well, that 'was' the idea..
When we started.. when we 'could' have started, I gave them the quick plot of how they got to this place (this all happened just before the event with the pirates so they had their stuff but meta'ed they were still their current levels). Now, Im loose with my own OS's, so I used a module i bought that looked fun an it was interesting. I did have to build a bunch of rough doubles of the maps, since turns out the PDF didnt want to let me get the pics right at the time, so wasnt focusing too much on some details but for key point ones. Its important for later. But anwyay after the basic 'you did a hero thing an was invited to a small isle city by its noble ruler who has big parties every week an your the guests of honor', you know the usual kinda crud. Well i started to get into the start of it, about to go to details of the maps location.. when he, stopped me an blocked me to go 'oh i climb the building or whatever to get that gun!'.....there was unfortunately an image of a gun on the part of the token i used to build the maps clocktower..didnt notice it.. he sure did.. an kinda derailed me a bit more..reminder, we were an hour late into session.
I managed to get back on track, the security at the start of the party line stoppen the crew an saying 'sorry its a costume party, dont worry we always have spares, pick one' an they got to pick a set of masks for themselves. They rolled to take turns, he got first dibs, an picked one he 'really liked', but I do kinda wonder cause my tag name relates to what it was.. Well, I sent them the screenshot of the masks an their effects as an item/equip card... he started to.. get sour sounding.
In prior in between an pre game times, hes mentioned hes.. not exactly a fan of alot of stuff. Even some of the oldest movies an comics that are still being made now an are big on fandoms, hes got zero interests or cares for.. an on troupes, he is not big on mysteries. An sadly, the mask gave him an ability thats great in discovering secrets...
Well, I started to bring one of the moduels NPC's to start pointing out details, give them some hook bits an background to what goes on normally in the city... and.. he used that one use ability to check if she liked her mask.. literally stepping the entire conversation, then walked away to break into that clocktower.. that had the guns on it..
3 1/2 an second 1'st decided 'lets try an get on with the actual story regardless' an tried to go to the party which they did, trying to get him to come with too, crossing the small castle bridge to get to there an start mingling as they do.. paladin did 'eventually'.. but first he shimmied the bridge to use up his stealth abilities from the mask... then when 3 1/2 noticed, tried to get him to come in, he... started climbing to the top of the castle wall..
His character, never acted like this, in any OS we had before or in game before. Second 1'st did do a little weird, but it was stuff his character was infamous for, but not good for the long run. I admit.. I lost my cool, I didnt shout, yell, or otherwise.. but at this point, from when we 'late started', to paladins 3'rd athletic roll to scale the building he was invited for, we had lost over 2 hours of our usual session time an it was very apparent he was really not going to act like the character we were accustomed to.. so I said, 'sorry guys, see you next time'.. admittedly, I did kinda vent in our group chat text wise.. I was pretty upset an tired i cant lie on this, i had spent very early hours on the maps an looking over to familair most of the thing as best i could while having lack of sleep beforehand. But, I basically just said, if you dont feel up to a game please just say so cause putting all that time en effort for even a one shot was time an tiring thing an just frankly kinda rude antics for no reason just hurt.... didnt use cures or otherwise but that was about it..
It did help that, the group reached out to me about it, even both our Hiatus ones.. everyone but Paladin who kinda went back to basic no coms with me pretty much like norm.. he kinda missed a few more sessions between then to now.. so lets get to what became the last straws of the DM..
So, in the 'undersea' places, the crew realized that, the party had something they could use with their nations rulers to try an breach peace with the races that was locking everyone up in this space between the multiverse, to escape some big dangers thats happening here. This thing was second 1'sts 'tie in starting choice' i gave the first party options too an hes loved ever since, giving his character a level of importance. Of course there is the risk the guys could go 'we dont need 'them' for just 'that'. but thankfully its the nicer space sea folks side so thankfully its all negotiations. I rolled beforehand to see what outcome would happen.. not the best roll but it was one with surprising good results but the meeting was postponed with the intended target cause.. well the system got fragged as they sent the unintended invite back to the outer realms and their time slot to reach out to there was lost. So the party an the friendly pirate captain npc buddy was told 'come back in several months well try again'. The captain was telling the leaders 'oh sure no problem' while giving a 'if we dont find you guys a way back to your side of the world to stop that big bad monster for good first 'wink' to them..
An paladin.. confronted an tried telling the nation guys the details in a... weird way. I really dont know how to explain how he said it it still sounds weird to me. But he basically wanted too.. convince the nation that 'the party' could end all their troubles.. against a hord of demons an undeads effectively 'not understanding' the monster that threw them here was not one of the creatures in question. Which even after i pointed out 'if he couldnt do more than 13 points of damage to that thing, how would he think he can beat the monster he 'thinks' made it?'... which on that matter, he was told multiple times it wasnt.
Well, the rest of the gang tried to talk reason to him, even pull him aaway.. an i had made split choice of the captain decided to put a 'command bracelet' on him, effectively 'if you fight the order given you get zapped an paralyzed'. telling him 'please stop an lets talk about this somewhere 'safe'... because the party and them werent safe..
People in the sea space place, dont like people 'from their side' not that any survive coming down to there. Again, they survived via their plot armor's they dont even fully get yet. With the leadership litterally saying to him before the captain dragged him to the doors a bit 'let them hang for all we care'...
Well, paladin passed the check against the paralyze effect (again, i give honest rolls unless absolutely necessary which i dont like doing..) an.. he had his character chop his hand off, use every will save till he passed the players spells an use his tp abilities to get out of any grapple an ran into the building to more or less brow beat the leaders into listening to him...I made a choice as the captain npc... an ran for the ship to get the heck out before his crew would be arrested an maybe killed for hiding the PC's, an the other PC's likewise, ran for the hills too with them saying 'your mad if you do this'..
That is where that session ended, he made a passing comment 'guess ill reroll a character for the time being'... an he never showed up for the following one despite knowing 3 weeks in advance..though it turns out he 'did' roll stats for a character after I left the chat an roll20... an 'then' designed his character... which at first i was iffy but gave him a sheet to fill in to go ahead an start worken it, not knowing he had pre existing stat rolls for it or clearing that with me.. something I dont like..
Well, cant say i fault him for not knowing this, none of them did.. but there was a planned event for the city they were in. After the 'meeting the outsiders' event, they were going to be there during a siege by the monsters the leaders were worried about. I had the mechanics that, theyd get swarmed by mooks they could likely kill in a round or two at worst with a few higher level front line commanders thrown in, for each one of these theyd get a -5 to around -15 against a d100 roll (which I infamously roll low on all the time) on how much the city gets damaged up (multiple of the results for fyi), where either (a) they would stand their grounds just enough to cause the enemy to tempt pull back from the current onslaught, (b) the do enough damage an pull back gettin more then they need for now (long story) or (c) the party retreats for the time trying to pick up some survives they could fit on the ship an get the heck out as the city is torn up...
Instead.. I roll flat 3d100's as the party 'just' avoided the guards an lockdown.. which didnt add any bonses for the city guards chance to prep ships an counter attackk.. of the three, 2 in the ninties, one over fifty.. the city was whiped out.. I was 'devastated' that now i may have put the paladins character in a state he was just outright mamed and couldnt even give his player a 'last hura an fade to black'...because they never showed up or said anything...
I had to take a day or two before i sent the news to him, i did kinda phrase it a little angerly but i was 'where were you what happend'?... no response the entire week, right up to our next game session with nothing being done to that character sheet i gave him for a month..
And then came to our last bit of communication.. one hour before we started, he wanted to ask me about his character creation thing.. he stuck with the class i was iffy on to begin with but he.. went with a completely different class, an frankly he was maxing out the stats on the class too..
I confronted him since at least then he was 'finally' speaking to me. He was giving me the 'he would have convince them' speach of his characters plans.. I was just getting more confused by some of his responses of what that even was. The 'misunderstandings' of his character of what things are going on, why he did an extrem like 'why would he cut his hand off' an then he admitted no matter what, his character was going to leave. All on the fact his 'Paladin Alignment as Lawful good' wouldnt let him 'let a bunch of people die in the city'... his character has pulled back from fights an stuff before, while yeah if he saw a fight he would totally try an defend someone if need be, but, the abandon the party thinking they were doing wrong, knowing that the plan the group would be involved with after the outsider meeting, was to go search for things that might power them all up enough to be on the same playing field as the monster that beat them, or event he ones attacking the undersea side.. He even made a passing comment 'yeah i know they all talked about it for an hour'.. when.. he caused the conversation to las tthe hour by having them repeat it different ways several times.. something he also did alot im afraid when the quest was not one he started/invested in specifically of himself (the starting foot of it happened to one of the new players an 3 1/2 while he was on one of his missing days again).
He made a slight passing comment about me jus killing off his character an how they were acting as a 'what if someone wanted to play something else' .. which i did ask 'did you want to play something new why didnt you just ask?' to which.. he kinda ignored an went on. It was roughly at this time that he said he was trying to focus on his wizard spell list that i clicked to he was playing a new type of character all together.. one he admitted he wanted to play as 'weird and kinda crazy'.. it honestly sent chills to me given his 'sane' character did something extreme out of the blue for no reason an would never had done before was a bad sign what he considers 'slightly weird/crazy' would be.. but i was further made up set he made up a character only 'after' getting rolls he didnt get clearance from me with beforehand. I asked if this was the case which he confirmed and simply asked 'what want me to do point buy instead?'... an thats when I said i dont think he was set for my game again.. most so since all this all he focused on, again, an hour before game time, was only the basic mechanics an nothing else (given my honest mistrust of him springing something on me on this point with the sister visit 'quest').
I had literally given him my reasons, told him didn tlike how many red flags hes pulled lately. Including our game communities famed words by players who do things that tend to do things that.. kinda make things weird or bad or start to trail from how they start as.. When he first started missing the bulk of sessions, an losing plot interest, was when he 'lost his notes'. Then an most infamous last appearance, literally last bits hes said when he decided to have his character leave (which in hindsight i think he may have just wanted but again.. pardon me for guessing since he never communicated) 'Its what my character would do' when he had him cut his hand off.. Then during our conversation when i was trying to figure out what the heck was all that an what happend he said 'because my lawful good paladin couldnt let that under his oath'... his 'netual good' character whose hidden monsters under his house, stolen from a school of magic, made friends with an had sight powers from a devil an a few other shady things to say the least...so he was plannen or taking that his character should have a diff alignment without communing with me on it..who knows ont hat one..
I honestly did my usual, 'i dont think this game is for you' exit speech... an he said 'dont bs me with this over polite crap' an tried to make me say 'i want you gone'.. he was more or less animate on the specifics of the words.. and I think i know why..
Because, the players have a private text chat, not that hes much on there himself unless his character name is mentioned multiple times, but they do have it for funnies an stuff between em. I dont mind it, but.. at some point when I officially announced I'd be removing the player in our whole group chat.. he sent a very cropped two lines that was the tail end of us with me saying him in the groups not looken good, but told them 'i shouldnt be contacted about this'..
Tooo bad for him, I screenshot everything big like this. An further bad for him, the new guys an me talk alot too, like constant, and he forgot, 3 1/2 are friends for over a decade. 3 1/2 told me that... so i reached out to the rest of the group, shared the entire thing with them on the spot, saying 'i am sorry, its been bad with all these points' (i mention in here better more details after all, given how it was an hour of getting heated an trying to get him to tell me what his game plan is or anything else if need be given everything else sounded like he was flipping between wanting to be something new or... again i can only speculate since he just went offensive/defenses with no explanations or stuff to understand him the player). an sent them the entire conversation the two of us had as a screenshot.
While I was polite an just saying 'dont think the games for you' which yeah is a little over gentle.. after i pointed out one of them mentioned with a tiny screenshot of only me saying 'you should go' an the 'dont talk to me about it'. He honestly said 'i told them they shouldnt bother with it' like they should have just listened to him on the get go...an that 'he' would send it.. told him I already had. And for that level of honestly kinda manipulative tactic, both trying to isolate the party from me and only showing the 'closest' he would have of me saying 'i want you gone' comment, which he had stressed for a bout a minute i should 'say' in our private chat, i cant help but wonder if he was seriously trying to poison the well between me and the others.. an then said he would 'show them the whole conversation.... well he kinda got super silent with the private group and to me when i said 'i already sent the whole. I told him, good luck an goodbye, an then removed him from my DND group.. he suddenly for the first time in 2 years 'went offline', on my notice thing, so i think he made himself invisible but at first i thought he blocked me.. made a passing comment to test, but he went 'no' an was suddenly fully online an back to his MMO's that he 'usually' played too much an overslept some of our early day games on... not surprising..
The rest of the party were.. thankfully understanding, 3 1/2 suggested we didnt play but i pressed on but we did kinda vent.. helped one of the experienced newby of the three was a dm, an said 'hey its what you feel too, if he was making you feel uncomfortable at the table with that, your alright to feel it an remove him' which helped too..
But part of me does have to have that nagging feel since, he is the 'first' true kick i have done. ALl my other possible problem players ghost themselves from my games an he had been in for 2 years.. not that we done much since we are nearly at our 100'th session an only 'now' getting to the possible tea of the world i have been sitting on for 3 years since started working on the campaign over it. I left it openf or them to discover, an things started to click when the new guys came in an started being able to 'take lead' a bit on group choices.. not waiting for the paladin to lead them.. but.
of course, communication is '2 way street' i know, I said he didnt talk to me on things but likewise maybe i shoulda been more active reaching to him. To a point I tried, but, unless it was 'hey want a new power or something' ...he didnt respond back much. Again we had not much on similar things an it feel slike he was cluing in that many of my influences was from comics, movies games an anime that even if he was into the fandoms of, he didnt know alot as I have a broad and little known spectrum of series. Maybe a bit of it was lill mix of we didnt upfront what we expected, but also disinterests... but I do know at least 2 of his fave games.. tha has owning land, getting bonus in some way from that, an thats that.. an some other aspects, kinda in hindsight were what he wanted/expected for his character at times.
Again, my thing is full homebrew, an always say 'hey if you find something you like, lemme know an see maybe we can toss it in.', sadly some of the gang dont take that up too much, but the new players have lately an its been fun. He did at first 'start' suggesting something.. but with no set things, so when i brought up things that we can do for it he kinda.. shot em down, like not say full on no but.. just went silent.
In the end, Im upset with myself over not confronting the problem a bit more 'first', but i guess i just started to let him just 'be silent all the time is fine the problem goes away' as much as he did it when i reached out to him. Hell if he stepped away for a bit, sadly perfect since his first character might be KO'ed, i may have taken him back if he just said 'been dealing with things' or 'wanted to be something new' or, 'can i try something crazy'.. but in the end he only wanted me to respond in the moment to what he came up without double checking things an it can happen so sparatically, so 'railroady' for me an the other players I just cant anymore. An knowing hell honestly try an manipulate my words behind my back to the rest of the players.. yeah Im not trusting that player at any of my games ever again and wont ever trust one like that... but I hope it doesnt turn to that for just that factor an not because of other reasons that can be avoided...
Anyone who reads, thanks for your time. If you got tips or mindsets to consider for me here, like to help get them like a mindworm to maybe help me over things, given how my head is still lill swimmen on it both emotionally an thoughts. I guess maybe im looking to see if I was valid (I know for my 'mental health' i was, but want to know its not just my own head thinking it an maybe cases like this is at least partly justified). An hey, if you ever had a sitch like this, lemme hear how ya felt too, never helps bottling it in. Just typing this at first as a note to myself before it showed up anywhere helped me clear my head a fair bit, so theres always getting the words out there wither someone's ear or eyes take it is a nice way to get the happy feels in. Next order buisness to feel better... getten to those cursed die rolls (come on Dice Gods treat me an my players failry, ah dangit another 1! I thought i blotted it out!)
submitted by TJKitsune to rpghorrorstories [link] [comments]
To start, I am more or less a newby forever DM (1 oneshot game to my belt under as a player), my current running campaign is only my second, going 2 years strong now. Its been bumpy recently do to my work schedule last few months but we are nearly up to our 100th session together and things have begun to heat up story wise and excitement wise by my players. Everything's in the story is homebrew more or less, both my own works and others I found and my players bring up to me.
At the start of the game, I had 5 starting players, and the one in question was one of them. We lost a few of them, first sadly I more suggested he leave, as much as he wanted to play, it was to the point he was playing while traveling via busses, planes and others (he traveled alot for his daily life events he couldnt get out of) an never mentioned when these would happen. That went smooth, we were both polite and I wasnt upset with them, just upset a good player like him will have hard times with finding a table. Better ways, would have been having a blast with them to this day. The second was starting to act up, I had to shoot him down a bit hard at times, more so when a new player, a girl, joined up an he started being a bit inappropriate and not act like the character he told me he would be. After I started blocking his more chaotic antics, he pretty much ghosted the group all together. Our third player who left is more on a prolonged hiatus cause of his work schedule, but he keeps in contact. So as far as the original party goes there are only two, with the first whom replaced our enthusiastic but unable to stay with us player being 'Miss 3 1/2's'.
With most of that out of the way, I can get onto the player in question. Again, he was there from the start, only second in my player search to start this campaign. Wanting to play a neutral good paladin who grew up a simple farmers life and was on a life walk-about to enrich himself before his turn to take over the family farmlands. At the start things were bit fine, he showed a general interest to hooks that kinda developed in the intro fight, making some good goofy aspects with his character and interactions and at least at first, an interest to some of the things in the world at the time. But looking back, I did likely trust him with a bit much, the other characters likewise were very 'go with teh flow' but they liked to investigate and get into things outside the city that they were given slight hero titles to after the start of things. With him though, he did 'actively' have his character go to get the town effective 'quest board' and ask around if people needed help with things... and.. not tell the other PC's about it or try an start the missions or plots.
While in itself it wasnt 'bad' people also trusted him a bit as 'the note taker' at first, so maybe we just expected him to go into things later or something, but, this became something I was concerned of with him on it. I mentioned his own story progression aspects from the start of the game, well, when given a lead that would let him undo a poor families ailment he showed interests too with time to go at least check it.. he suddenly invented a sister for his character.. who was getting married, back in his home country, that they 'had' to visit right then an there.
He had been vague about his characters history, he may have mentioned a sister 'in passing' but nothing ever set in stone besides his Grandfather being the true head of the farm and his dad. Not even anything about his characters mother, an now suddenly he wanted to spend a week or two travel via air ship to go see a 'new fiance' on top of it. I admit, I wasn't too happy but I also didnt outright pull him to the side to talk about that. Mark against me I know.
But it kind of worked out, as because no one could do much since he was kinda blocking the group from reaching the intended quest givers that he swore he would get with (2 of the other remaining characters at the time mostly had their stuff working on things they were trying to do that wasnt too crazy but at least progressed their characters in ways). And Miss 3 1/2 wasnt sure of her character at the time so played a temp one to feel out being another class and style for a bit. It helped her bloom a little. They ended up helping another little quest idea i had for halloween, late it was, but had fun with it an great action. But do to how that took an bad dice rolls which I do no flub or such, they got sidetracked from things an had to go back to go onto a quest 3 1/2 got them to.. an he wasnt exactly actively happy or doing the quest (guard a noblewoman on a quest to one of the countries for buisness matters. Kinda.. avoided the woman in weird ways.. like trying to push the hotel cooks asideto 'show them how its done'..).
When the crew finished with it, it was with another teaser to quest lines he was kinda pinning the group with. Again unfortunately the rest were 'kinda' okay with his choice on it but they were doing a bit more to be active now so it wasnt likely to work out for long. Around this time is when 'Work Haitus' had to sadly step away, so i started to put feelers out for new players again. During this time, he was still kinda pulling back on things as best he could, but he started to show a.. interesting trait. He wanted to start 'grinding' for EXP.. without going into the literal forest where some creatures could be faught, instead, he went to the city coliseum. Now this was explained since session one, I dont give any real EXP for fights there, quit literally if you have a fun sparing match or a more rough bloody match in it against a tamed or caught creature or class person, you'll only end up with 1 xp point. I did this cause I heard of a number of stories of 'those' players showing up, going to fight pits to make themselves stronger an not bother with rp time stuff. But I also tweaked it, so you could make bets for yourself, and the boon of prize and noterity (IE, people start being more favorable to you, seek you out that sort of stuff.. which considering he had so many 'hidden to activate quests' at this point wouldnt have mattered either way). He very quickly stopped after his 2nd or so solo attempt and made a passing comment on being upset of it. I overlooked that time.
During this, the entire party collectively was sought out, as the city knew 'all of them' roughly, so no reason only someone looking to the quest board would be involved alone. They were given a new quest by a neighboring kingdom, to deal with monsters they had ties with from the start as an already active side-story plot. He kinda 'backed' a bit into doing his characters 'im off to clean the broom closet' antics during some of this.. alot.. so looking back it feels he was upset not only was he not 'in charge' of getting the quests, but that the whole party agreed to be invovled with it regardless of anything else. I did try to bring him bback in, by having that Sister and her Fiance appear to meet them since he couldnt make the meeting.
There was some .. issues.. he kinda started to instantly mistrust the fiance, he litterally used 'every' detection spell he had on them trying to sus if they were demon, enregy or otherwise. An more or less ignored the sister even when she asked him his plans on things.. an since he 'left the sibling things to me besides she pranks him maybe' he didnt seem thrilled that she was upset the 'Lord title' brother, who won plots of land in this country an was going to open, I kid you not, an 'Pizzaria Inn petting zoo pet super plant farm forge and factory' on said plot of land with 'secret super caves our befriended monster friend will terraforming for us'. Short version of the monster thing.. monster had no such ability and at best had very tiny cute versions of itself digging out the cave, one pebble at a time.. this is when i noticed he sort of 'half' listened to details given.
I will admit, I wanted to have a moment where the sister was going to become some sort of 'rival', if she couldnt find way to convince the older men who are currently running the farm that big bro might have more important things to do as 'a Lordship hero paladin' maybe its time to break 'the men run the farm' tradition. In character he was warned 'she really wants your farm, and as someone whose seen people go extremes maybe you should reach out to her so its not so bad an no bad blood has to happen'... he kinda took it that she wants him dead, sorta. Took a bit with the informer to correct it.
He .. 'kinda' tried to 'make it up to her' i think by baking her favorite pie an admittedly as a nice act gave her his holly symbol which was the family's given by grandpa to him.. no biggy as the city hade a temple of his goddess to get a replacement soo.. yeah. Honestly I did talk with him a little on it.. but this is when another aspect started being apparent.
I hadnt mentioned, but I am not a fan of no call no show specially when we had a constant schedule, he had a few, but 'did' sorta apologize, at first. We do everything discord and roll20, so when he starts to not appear i would '@' the group and then '@' via DM's, and there maybe 'weeks' to 'months' if theres nothing 'important' to talk to me about response wise. And at the start of those times he started missing alot. An also, not apologizing or saying why. He doesnt always have to I know, but given we were having fewer players, wed have sudden 'we cant plays' cause it was 2 people only..
Then, we get introduced to not one or two but three new players. I kinda worried with them being prior friends and click group but its been working out for most part. Timing for ones admittedly stunk, an their on a personal leave Im not faulting but having their character background for now. They show up, an their characters, well starting at high level for at least 2 fresh faces an one long term one is a little odd, but its been fun. They instantly get into their characters mindsets, weird quirks that fit their upbringings and own style of things, but they also work as a functional communicating and asking questions group with slight airs of 'they are not lower class but deal with both from the noble side of things' air to them. Again its worked out, given they lost a litter hard hitter the three work great.
As the plot went, they were actually being lured away by a group who they helped bust antics an get called out on it in the city, the bait was just 'oh it might be the same type of monster you guys are looking for who might eat an entire city', done via a modified memory spell on the patsy. They were lead to a campsite the badguys set up to be a kill/trap spot.. It was a bit rough with things, but the group was doing 'amazingly' well. But I had an even bigger surprise for everyone, to take our game to a new level an give a 'big' meaty plot hook to hype and put every character on an equal 'i dont know anyone around here/dont have the same resources you do' foot from how the characters went, as an idea to build their bonds.
The trap, got ambushed, by a big honken monster I teased the first players with barely into session 4 that was a corps but came back. An this thing was a beast, CR minimal 20+ an higher (i suck at figuren the maths) but yeah, it was 'not' a winnable fight they could escape from that even the badguys said 'truce till were not monster food???'
It blew apart the trap-badguys, an sent the PC's hurdling into a space that was supost to be instant death, but plot armor I intended for em saved them if only 'barely' but now, their in ' a ocean like space between the outter realm and multi realms', with faint contact by the holly characters gods saying 'theres a way back, you must return'. including to the Paladin an 3 1/2 (who is cleric).. and honestly, everyones raved to me about it.. but looking back agian, given lack of Paladins communications 'out' of his appearances in game.. he hasnt said much, unless someone else starts it..an even then its.. barely a sentence..
The players were picked up by 'friendly pirates' an have been discovering things and gaining new strengths.. least, most of them again. 3 1/2 really bounded with the new NPC's an been expanding their character (shes been very creative that way an shes really gotten into the player bug, im sooo happy i could get her into the hobby) the new players had their growths too, the full slightly higher brow noble of them has come to terms 'hes mortal an can die, but people need his strength' too, as well as 'living is hard.. their not just 'dirty' or something by chance its just the efforts of their brow' to the sorceress of his friends being delighted to be sailing the seas with quirky merman, turtle an other type pirates with treasures an jerks to kick in the seat of the pants. Even the other first player has tried new character aspects, trying to be a 'new version' of himself till an event happened (which he half told me of, but it was more workable then 'sudden sister quest').
But.. paladin has been a bit more missing an sadly we have had spotty game times cause this is when my own work schedule has been bad. An again, he never gets back or says 'oh sorry cant make it' or whatever happened. I brought up a bit ago about his passing remarks of the exp thing for this point to make, he doesnt like to have his character have much of my homebrew stuff.. despite how many treasures hes had that hes just gone 'i sell it' or 'eh if you want it take it dont want it' that has been (a) a plot starter, or (b) a pretty handy if maybe OP item, hes just passed them off even from session z where I give every player chances to pick a unique thing for their character that helps tie them to the world. He opted out of it, an through everything they have done an gathered.. hes held onto a grand total of 2 homebrew things.. a sword, that after a 'certin point' he used as his hexblade warlock focus point with his goddess also being his patron, and 'one' spell that I had to reach out to offer him, well, technically '2' spells. One that he could use to turn a mundane object into a powerful magic weapon, an a ritual spell that he needs to cast to regain uses of the other spell.
The reason this ties to the EXP block from the coliseum bit, is because as part of the ritual to regain usages, he has to create a small 'choke point' of a ritual spell ring to fight an unending horde of monsters that the spell summons to fight just him. Now, the monsters are extremely low level, like 1/4 cr, an they wont try an kill him, as the ritual ends when hes KO'ed. It took a bit before he had to properly cast it in ession (big surprise, had him recharging it on some of the missing day's of his). But when eh did, an he finished it, he did instantly ask 'how much exp to i get?' an kinda grew hushed when I said 'you.. get your six usages of your spell back?'. I.. low key wonder if he wanted to try an use it as a cheat to grind or something..
This also does not help that, just prior, 3 1/2 managed to do our 'biggest' damage in a single round during a hord fight, literally between her spells an a new weapon with some seriously amazing rolls, did over 200 hp of damage on her own. To the point she KO'ed the boss monster leader. granted it was with a smart play and some literal crit hits, but thats when his vibe for games started kinda feeling off big time. An come now, to the more recent events before the kick..
I had a rare day off i could have a game completely unhindered, an we agreed to all have it.. sadly starter 2 forgot the US has Daylights saving, so we did loose an hour for him getten outta work. Eh it happens. An sadly the new 3 didnt get to join in so it was an agreed on one shot. Well, that 'was' the idea..
When we started.. when we 'could' have started, I gave them the quick plot of how they got to this place (this all happened just before the event with the pirates so they had their stuff but meta'ed they were still their current levels). Now, Im loose with my own OS's, so I used a module i bought that looked fun an it was interesting. I did have to build a bunch of rough doubles of the maps, since turns out the PDF didnt want to let me get the pics right at the time, so wasnt focusing too much on some details but for key point ones. Its important for later. But anwyay after the basic 'you did a hero thing an was invited to a small isle city by its noble ruler who has big parties every week an your the guests of honor', you know the usual kinda crud. Well i started to get into the start of it, about to go to details of the maps location.. when he, stopped me an blocked me to go 'oh i climb the building or whatever to get that gun!'.....there was unfortunately an image of a gun on the part of the token i used to build the maps clocktower..didnt notice it.. he sure did.. an kinda derailed me a bit more..reminder, we were an hour late into session.
I managed to get back on track, the security at the start of the party line stoppen the crew an saying 'sorry its a costume party, dont worry we always have spares, pick one' an they got to pick a set of masks for themselves. They rolled to take turns, he got first dibs, an picked one he 'really liked', but I do kinda wonder cause my tag name relates to what it was.. Well, I sent them the screenshot of the masks an their effects as an item/equip card... he started to.. get sour sounding.
In prior in between an pre game times, hes mentioned hes.. not exactly a fan of alot of stuff. Even some of the oldest movies an comics that are still being made now an are big on fandoms, hes got zero interests or cares for.. an on troupes, he is not big on mysteries. An sadly, the mask gave him an ability thats great in discovering secrets...
Well, I started to bring one of the moduels NPC's to start pointing out details, give them some hook bits an background to what goes on normally in the city... and.. he used that one use ability to check if she liked her mask.. literally stepping the entire conversation, then walked away to break into that clocktower.. that had the guns on it..
3 1/2 an second 1'st decided 'lets try an get on with the actual story regardless' an tried to go to the party which they did, trying to get him to come with too, crossing the small castle bridge to get to there an start mingling as they do.. paladin did 'eventually'.. but first he shimmied the bridge to use up his stealth abilities from the mask... then when 3 1/2 noticed, tried to get him to come in, he... started climbing to the top of the castle wall..
His character, never acted like this, in any OS we had before or in game before. Second 1'st did do a little weird, but it was stuff his character was infamous for, but not good for the long run. I admit.. I lost my cool, I didnt shout, yell, or otherwise.. but at this point, from when we 'late started', to paladins 3'rd athletic roll to scale the building he was invited for, we had lost over 2 hours of our usual session time an it was very apparent he was really not going to act like the character we were accustomed to.. so I said, 'sorry guys, see you next time'.. admittedly, I did kinda vent in our group chat text wise.. I was pretty upset an tired i cant lie on this, i had spent very early hours on the maps an looking over to familair most of the thing as best i could while having lack of sleep beforehand. But, I basically just said, if you dont feel up to a game please just say so cause putting all that time en effort for even a one shot was time an tiring thing an just frankly kinda rude antics for no reason just hurt.... didnt use cures or otherwise but that was about it..
It did help that, the group reached out to me about it, even both our Hiatus ones.. everyone but Paladin who kinda went back to basic no coms with me pretty much like norm.. he kinda missed a few more sessions between then to now.. so lets get to what became the last straws of the DM..
So, in the 'undersea' places, the crew realized that, the party had something they could use with their nations rulers to try an breach peace with the races that was locking everyone up in this space between the multiverse, to escape some big dangers thats happening here. This thing was second 1'sts 'tie in starting choice' i gave the first party options too an hes loved ever since, giving his character a level of importance. Of course there is the risk the guys could go 'we dont need 'them' for just 'that'. but thankfully its the nicer space sea folks side so thankfully its all negotiations. I rolled beforehand to see what outcome would happen.. not the best roll but it was one with surprising good results but the meeting was postponed with the intended target cause.. well the system got fragged as they sent the unintended invite back to the outer realms and their time slot to reach out to there was lost. So the party an the friendly pirate captain npc buddy was told 'come back in several months well try again'. The captain was telling the leaders 'oh sure no problem' while giving a 'if we dont find you guys a way back to your side of the world to stop that big bad monster for good first 'wink' to them..
An paladin.. confronted an tried telling the nation guys the details in a... weird way. I really dont know how to explain how he said it it still sounds weird to me. But he basically wanted too.. convince the nation that 'the party' could end all their troubles.. against a hord of demons an undeads effectively 'not understanding' the monster that threw them here was not one of the creatures in question. Which even after i pointed out 'if he couldnt do more than 13 points of damage to that thing, how would he think he can beat the monster he 'thinks' made it?'... which on that matter, he was told multiple times it wasnt.
Well, the rest of the gang tried to talk reason to him, even pull him aaway.. an i had made split choice of the captain decided to put a 'command bracelet' on him, effectively 'if you fight the order given you get zapped an paralyzed'. telling him 'please stop an lets talk about this somewhere 'safe'... because the party and them werent safe..
People in the sea space place, dont like people 'from their side' not that any survive coming down to there. Again, they survived via their plot armor's they dont even fully get yet. With the leadership litterally saying to him before the captain dragged him to the doors a bit 'let them hang for all we care'...
Well, paladin passed the check against the paralyze effect (again, i give honest rolls unless absolutely necessary which i dont like doing..) an.. he had his character chop his hand off, use every will save till he passed the players spells an use his tp abilities to get out of any grapple an ran into the building to more or less brow beat the leaders into listening to him...I made a choice as the captain npc... an ran for the ship to get the heck out before his crew would be arrested an maybe killed for hiding the PC's, an the other PC's likewise, ran for the hills too with them saying 'your mad if you do this'..
That is where that session ended, he made a passing comment 'guess ill reroll a character for the time being'... an he never showed up for the following one despite knowing 3 weeks in advance..though it turns out he 'did' roll stats for a character after I left the chat an roll20... an 'then' designed his character... which at first i was iffy but gave him a sheet to fill in to go ahead an start worken it, not knowing he had pre existing stat rolls for it or clearing that with me.. something I dont like..
Well, cant say i fault him for not knowing this, none of them did.. but there was a planned event for the city they were in. After the 'meeting the outsiders' event, they were going to be there during a siege by the monsters the leaders were worried about. I had the mechanics that, theyd get swarmed by mooks they could likely kill in a round or two at worst with a few higher level front line commanders thrown in, for each one of these theyd get a -5 to around -15 against a d100 roll (which I infamously roll low on all the time) on how much the city gets damaged up (multiple of the results for fyi), where either (a) they would stand their grounds just enough to cause the enemy to tempt pull back from the current onslaught, (b) the do enough damage an pull back gettin more then they need for now (long story) or (c) the party retreats for the time trying to pick up some survives they could fit on the ship an get the heck out as the city is torn up...
Instead.. I roll flat 3d100's as the party 'just' avoided the guards an lockdown.. which didnt add any bonses for the city guards chance to prep ships an counter attackk.. of the three, 2 in the ninties, one over fifty.. the city was whiped out.. I was 'devastated' that now i may have put the paladins character in a state he was just outright mamed and couldnt even give his player a 'last hura an fade to black'...because they never showed up or said anything...
I had to take a day or two before i sent the news to him, i did kinda phrase it a little angerly but i was 'where were you what happend'?... no response the entire week, right up to our next game session with nothing being done to that character sheet i gave him for a month..
And then came to our last bit of communication.. one hour before we started, he wanted to ask me about his character creation thing.. he stuck with the class i was iffy on to begin with but he.. went with a completely different class, an frankly he was maxing out the stats on the class too..
I confronted him since at least then he was 'finally' speaking to me. He was giving me the 'he would have convince them' speach of his characters plans.. I was just getting more confused by some of his responses of what that even was. The 'misunderstandings' of his character of what things are going on, why he did an extrem like 'why would he cut his hand off' an then he admitted no matter what, his character was going to leave. All on the fact his 'Paladin Alignment as Lawful good' wouldnt let him 'let a bunch of people die in the city'... his character has pulled back from fights an stuff before, while yeah if he saw a fight he would totally try an defend someone if need be, but, the abandon the party thinking they were doing wrong, knowing that the plan the group would be involved with after the outsider meeting, was to go search for things that might power them all up enough to be on the same playing field as the monster that beat them, or event he ones attacking the undersea side.. He even made a passing comment 'yeah i know they all talked about it for an hour'.. when.. he caused the conversation to las tthe hour by having them repeat it different ways several times.. something he also did alot im afraid when the quest was not one he started/invested in specifically of himself (the starting foot of it happened to one of the new players an 3 1/2 while he was on one of his missing days again).
He made a slight passing comment about me jus killing off his character an how they were acting as a 'what if someone wanted to play something else' .. which i did ask 'did you want to play something new why didnt you just ask?' to which.. he kinda ignored an went on. It was roughly at this time that he said he was trying to focus on his wizard spell list that i clicked to he was playing a new type of character all together.. one he admitted he wanted to play as 'weird and kinda crazy'.. it honestly sent chills to me given his 'sane' character did something extreme out of the blue for no reason an would never had done before was a bad sign what he considers 'slightly weird/crazy' would be.. but i was further made up set he made up a character only 'after' getting rolls he didnt get clearance from me with beforehand. I asked if this was the case which he confirmed and simply asked 'what want me to do point buy instead?'... an thats when I said i dont think he was set for my game again.. most so since all this all he focused on, again, an hour before game time, was only the basic mechanics an nothing else (given my honest mistrust of him springing something on me on this point with the sister visit 'quest').
I had literally given him my reasons, told him didn tlike how many red flags hes pulled lately. Including our game communities famed words by players who do things that tend to do things that.. kinda make things weird or bad or start to trail from how they start as.. When he first started missing the bulk of sessions, an losing plot interest, was when he 'lost his notes'. Then an most infamous last appearance, literally last bits hes said when he decided to have his character leave (which in hindsight i think he may have just wanted but again.. pardon me for guessing since he never communicated) 'Its what my character would do' when he had him cut his hand off.. Then during our conversation when i was trying to figure out what the heck was all that an what happend he said 'because my lawful good paladin couldnt let that under his oath'... his 'netual good' character whose hidden monsters under his house, stolen from a school of magic, made friends with an had sight powers from a devil an a few other shady things to say the least...so he was plannen or taking that his character should have a diff alignment without communing with me on it..who knows ont hat one..
I honestly did my usual, 'i dont think this game is for you' exit speech... an he said 'dont bs me with this over polite crap' an tried to make me say 'i want you gone'.. he was more or less animate on the specifics of the words.. and I think i know why..
Because, the players have a private text chat, not that hes much on there himself unless his character name is mentioned multiple times, but they do have it for funnies an stuff between em. I dont mind it, but.. at some point when I officially announced I'd be removing the player in our whole group chat.. he sent a very cropped two lines that was the tail end of us with me saying him in the groups not looken good, but told them 'i shouldnt be contacted about this'..
Tooo bad for him, I screenshot everything big like this. An further bad for him, the new guys an me talk alot too, like constant, and he forgot, 3 1/2 are friends for over a decade. 3 1/2 told me that... so i reached out to the rest of the group, shared the entire thing with them on the spot, saying 'i am sorry, its been bad with all these points' (i mention in here better more details after all, given how it was an hour of getting heated an trying to get him to tell me what his game plan is or anything else if need be given everything else sounded like he was flipping between wanting to be something new or... again i can only speculate since he just went offensive/defenses with no explanations or stuff to understand him the player). an sent them the entire conversation the two of us had as a screenshot.
While I was polite an just saying 'dont think the games for you' which yeah is a little over gentle.. after i pointed out one of them mentioned with a tiny screenshot of only me saying 'you should go' an the 'dont talk to me about it'. He honestly said 'i told them they shouldnt bother with it' like they should have just listened to him on the get go...an that 'he' would send it.. told him I already had. And for that level of honestly kinda manipulative tactic, both trying to isolate the party from me and only showing the 'closest' he would have of me saying 'i want you gone' comment, which he had stressed for a bout a minute i should 'say' in our private chat, i cant help but wonder if he was seriously trying to poison the well between me and the others.. an then said he would 'show them the whole conversation.... well he kinda got super silent with the private group and to me when i said 'i already sent the whole. I told him, good luck an goodbye, an then removed him from my DND group.. he suddenly for the first time in 2 years 'went offline', on my notice thing, so i think he made himself invisible but at first i thought he blocked me.. made a passing comment to test, but he went 'no' an was suddenly fully online an back to his MMO's that he 'usually' played too much an overslept some of our early day games on... not surprising..
The rest of the party were.. thankfully understanding, 3 1/2 suggested we didnt play but i pressed on but we did kinda vent.. helped one of the experienced newby of the three was a dm, an said 'hey its what you feel too, if he was making you feel uncomfortable at the table with that, your alright to feel it an remove him' which helped too..
But part of me does have to have that nagging feel since, he is the 'first' true kick i have done. ALl my other possible problem players ghost themselves from my games an he had been in for 2 years.. not that we done much since we are nearly at our 100'th session an only 'now' getting to the possible tea of the world i have been sitting on for 3 years since started working on the campaign over it. I left it openf or them to discover, an things started to click when the new guys came in an started being able to 'take lead' a bit on group choices.. not waiting for the paladin to lead them.. but.
of course, communication is '2 way street' i know, I said he didnt talk to me on things but likewise maybe i shoulda been more active reaching to him. To a point I tried, but, unless it was 'hey want a new power or something' ...he didnt respond back much. Again we had not much on similar things an it feel slike he was cluing in that many of my influences was from comics, movies games an anime that even if he was into the fandoms of, he didnt know alot as I have a broad and little known spectrum of series. Maybe a bit of it was lill mix of we didnt upfront what we expected, but also disinterests... but I do know at least 2 of his fave games.. tha has owning land, getting bonus in some way from that, an thats that.. an some other aspects, kinda in hindsight were what he wanted/expected for his character at times.
Again, my thing is full homebrew, an always say 'hey if you find something you like, lemme know an see maybe we can toss it in.', sadly some of the gang dont take that up too much, but the new players have lately an its been fun. He did at first 'start' suggesting something.. but with no set things, so when i brought up things that we can do for it he kinda.. shot em down, like not say full on no but.. just went silent.
In the end, Im upset with myself over not confronting the problem a bit more 'first', but i guess i just started to let him just 'be silent all the time is fine the problem goes away' as much as he did it when i reached out to him. Hell if he stepped away for a bit, sadly perfect since his first character might be KO'ed, i may have taken him back if he just said 'been dealing with things' or 'wanted to be something new' or, 'can i try something crazy'.. but in the end he only wanted me to respond in the moment to what he came up without double checking things an it can happen so sparatically, so 'railroady' for me an the other players I just cant anymore. An knowing hell honestly try an manipulate my words behind my back to the rest of the players.. yeah Im not trusting that player at any of my games ever again and wont ever trust one like that... but I hope it doesnt turn to that for just that factor an not because of other reasons that can be avoided...
Anyone who reads, thanks for your time. If you got tips or mindsets to consider for me here, like to help get them like a mindworm to maybe help me over things, given how my head is still lill swimmen on it both emotionally an thoughts. I guess maybe im looking to see if I was valid (I know for my 'mental health' i was, but want to know its not just my own head thinking it an maybe cases like this is at least partly justified). An hey, if you ever had a sitch like this, lemme hear how ya felt too, never helps bottling it in. Just typing this at first as a note to myself before it showed up anywhere helped me clear my head a fair bit, so theres always getting the words out there wither someone's ear or eyes take it is a nice way to get the happy feels in. Next order buisness to feel better... getten to those cursed die rolls (come on Dice Gods treat me an my players failry, ah dangit another 1! I thought i blotted it out!)
2024.04.29 04:04 Informal-Reserve-816 Any recommended changes?
So I dyed my hair red on November last year and I really like it, I’m really pale w/ red undertones and just trying to find the best hairstyle to improve my hair. Any recs that do not involve cutting my hair short? 🙏 (this is my hair blow dried w a revlon)
submitted by Informal-Reserve-816 to Haircare [link] [comments]
2024.04.29 03:42 Spirited-Ease-5161 How to heal from childhood trauma?
My parents were constantly arguing and yelling at each other (still to this day.) they would have blow out fights, to where my dad would pack a bag and leave for a weekend and not answer his phone and just completely ignore us. I truly believe this is why I have an anxious attachment style as an adult. These fights would also get intense. My dad has broke my moms car windshield, he slammed the back door so hard the glass broke, he’s broken plates, door frames, lamps, etc. as my sibling and I got older, he would take out his anger on us. He would embarrass us in front of friends, or he would just hide and totally be uninvolved when we had people over, but that’s a different story. Trips to Disney world, trips to exotic places, etc. would constantly be ruined, because my mom would do something that would piss my dad off, and they would just scream at each other and the whole vacay would be awkward and tense. As a young child, this was extremely hurtful to watch, and hear. I’ve been screamed at, had fingers pointed in my face, had shit thrown at me, been called everything you can think of, etc. it’s made me feel worthless, and it’s also made me feel like no one will truly ever love me because with him there’s always something wrong or something to get mad at. My mom has never really had a backbone, so she would never stand up for herself, or for us during these fights, which tended to drive a wedge between my sis & I and her. She would just sit there and take it, and watching this as a child made me think it was the norm. As I got older, this got harder to watch, and it played a part in who I chose as a partner. It’s taught me to not put up with any bs, but it’s also lingered and kind of made me choose angry people. I’m often embarrassed when I think of these memories, because I know they’re not universal. I also think about the friends I had at the time, the people I thought I could trust, and the friends who would make fun of me for having a crazy parental relationship, (and would later tell everyone about it, which just made me look like I had so many issues, because this isn’t the norm.) I grew up thinking it was normal to be yelled at, listen/overhear yelling, have doors slammed shut constantly, thinks thrown, etc. as I’ve gotten older, I’ve asked my friends about their relationships with their parents, and it hurts when I hear that they’ve never been “yelled at” or had to listen to these things or feel this way. I understand fighting and arguing is a given in any relationship, but to what extent? I can’t listen to certain songs, go to certain places, or reminisce on certain memories because all I can think about and see is how angry they were at the world (and my sibling and I.) I’ve also dealt with confidence, self love, and self worth issues for years because of this. I never feel satisfied, fulfilled, and something always wrong. I’ve had a hard time maintaining friendships, opening up, etc. Growing up I was always told to look / dress a certain way and if it didn’t reach their approval, then I was shunned. As I’ve gotten older I’ve done pretty much anything you can think of just to receive a compliment (I can’t tell you the last time I received one from them) or to feel pretty. I still to this day don’t know what I truly look like, because I often use filters to adjust how I look. It was always “cute! But I wish you would xxxx” I was also constantly compared to other kids (in looks, academics, etc.) which has haunted me for years. I’ve become angry, hostile, and short tempered because of these situations and scenarios. I try not to let it bother me, but I break down every once in awhile. I’ve never truly felt emotionally validated when I explain this. I know this is a lot, and this is just brushing the surface, but can anyone give me any kind of feedback or advice?
submitted by Spirited-Ease-5161 to CPTSD [link] [comments]
2024.04.29 03:18 Tesla_Truck9988 Which hairstyle suits me better shaggy or short?
 | submitted by Tesla_Truck9988 to malehairadvice [link] [comments] |
2024.04.29 02:35 CoachBaker Yesterday, I golfed by myself for the first time. In unrelated news, I had my first hole in one yesterday. Sigh.
Short 9 hope muni. Not great weather so I went out by myself. Course completely empty. Last hole (9) pin is back of the green 138 a little down win. Hit a nice P wedge to five feet of the hole, spins right, disappeared. Talk about a mix of emotions. I immediately call the proshop, which is fifty feet from the green, and explain the situation. Man runs like a bat out of hell to find my AVX in the hole. First one ever, not a single witness. Guy was nice enough to wait for me to walk up to shake my hand. Sigh.
submitted by CoachBaker to golf [link] [comments]
2024.04.29 02:28 Many-Cat7344 What haircut would look good on me?
 | Hey guys, submitted by Many-Cat7344 to malehairadvice [link] [comments] TLDR: I need hairstyle advice and have attached pics of me and hairstyles I like. My hair grows a little differently at different parts and seems to be a bit of an inbetween of wavy and curly. I was also balding severely including the receding hairline and starting to have a bald spot front center. But some meds fixed it fully. Been lax about it and it started receding a bit too much, so I’m back on. Back and upper sides grow thicker and faster. So it’s frequent for me I end up looking like a mushroom if I let my short cut grow for more than 25-35 days. I could probably get it to curl a lot if I used the right products but I don’t think I’m into the broccoli head cut. First pic is about a week ago - now feels unruly. Top front center strands easily reach my brows/start of my nose. Adding some pics of my hair and some people’s haircuts I like (RDJ, Henry Cavill, Marino Katsouris mostly) What could work for me? What do I call it? How do I make it work for me? Any idea if I need to grow out more or go for it now? Help me find the cut (and beard trim / style tips appreciated) to elevate my look ✂️💇 Thank you so much!! |
2024.04.29 01:47 distortedHousecat discussion :D
 | spoilers!!!!! submitted by distortedHousecat to DungeonMeshi [link] [comments] what do yall think about the succubus scene- especially laios’s? he shows no real romantic interest in marcille, but the way the succubus went in as if to kiss him throws me off. ++the way he sees her as scary and dedicated only towards falin deffo makes me feel like he has no interest in her. also, the changeling scene, what do u guys think of the way they see eachother? chilchuck clearly respects senshi more than the others, and laios the least. senshi seems to see the group as people he needs to protect (ft marcille…. his behavior towards her despite his implicit bias highlights his kindness to me). laios focuses on how people benefit him rather than how they actually are- but not in a selfish way? he pays little mind to physical aspects and instead focuses on their actions and potential. finally, marcille. to her, first impressions seem to be everything. this may be why she adores falin so much- her first real impression of her was the strength of her dunginium? dongeinimn?? mini dungeon. this also contrasts how she initially sees falin though, as a rule breaker and somebody she doesn’t consider likely to succeed. |
2024.04.29 00:37 LogicallyNefarious I think this is me looking for help? Idk emotions are hard.
I didn't know what tag to put on this so here we go.
TW: Mentions of death, suicide, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, dysmorphia, C-PTSD,
I'm writing this without the intention of posting it, I'm uncertain if this is something I want to share, but, I feel as if I have no other choice. This is a lot, but I'm trying to trace things back to their possible beginnings. I have no idea if I'm doing this right, I hope that I am.
I ended up posting it.
SECTION ONE: DEATH & EDUCATION
I am a 20M, I don't use reddit for much. I'm born and raised in the United States and I'm GEN Z. I've been in college for almost 5 years and my grades are good for the most part despite my utter burnout. I have several mental conditions both diagnosed and some which I have discovered on my own. I intend to verify with some sort of mental health professional the ones I'm uncertain of. I am confirmed to have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Insomnia. However I believe that I also have some sort of eating disorder as when I'm anxious I eat a lot in order to stop thinking about it, BDD [Body Dysmorphic Disorder] which i'm 100% certain about and depression. My psychologist when I was in high school argued that I have complex PTSD relating to school/academic environments. While I'm not entirely sold on it myself I thought I would include it until I can get a second opinion.
When I was younger I had constantly been told that "You are so mature" and "You look so old/big" that it had become part of my personality, and part of the way I lived my life. I typically agreed with this when I was younger, I didn't find enjoyment in school in fact quite the opposite. I loathed it.
See, I was always the "bigger" kid. I mean big, like I had childhood obesity big. My parents weren't worried however because my doctor at the time had said something along the lines of "As he grows he'll shed some of the weight" however this was not the case whatsoever. I grew up with a lot of weight and when I was younger there was plenty of teasing and bullying. I discovered how cruel people could be when I was very young, as I wasn't as physically fit I found myself unable to have fun as there wasn't something I could go do where I sat away from people. My parents as wonderful as they are never seemed to be able to comprehend why I loathed school to the point where I was pretty much willing to say I had anything just not to go. I had told them how uncomfortable school makes me and they had once proposed to me and asked if I wanted to go to a different school. (We were well off in comparison to most of our area) However what little friends I did make I wanted to keep and I worried that as a new student at a different school I would draw even more attention.
Since I stayed I had to deal with the bullying, I was too afraid to leave what few friends I had. I never understood why they were mean to me. I had always been kind, and I hadn't been afraid to talk for myself however at a certain point I started to believe everything they said. So I started staying in my house more often, the neighbors who I had been friends with since I was very young I fell out with because I didn't want to be physically outside and risk embarrassing myself as I had always done. My favorite hobby was playing video games in the living room, I had nothing else besides my Nintendo DS for Pokémon or other games that my brother and I shared. Looking back I probably made a couple of people feel bad, but I had felt awful too. If I could go back I'd change it. However there is nothing I can do.
Eventually I just stopped letting myself be seen.
My brothers friends became my friends, however as time went on one of them utterly abandoned him because he came out as gay to this friend we'll call Chad. While I didn't know this at the time, one day one of the friends I had made core memories with simply disappeared and I never found out why until I was 16. The year after another one his friends (we'll call him Wedge) lost his sister to cancer, and he eventually stopped hanging out with us due to grief and an onset of mental illness. (I still communicate with him, but for private reasons I can't go into why I can't befriend him please understand). Eventually, another one of our friends (We'll call Jack) had also gotten cancer, he had survived but had been in and out of the hospital so much that we lost our connection. Lastly, the cousin (We'll call her Allison) I was closest with someone who I really related too suddenly dropped out of my life due to inter-family drama with our parents. Bare in mind, this all happened within the span of 2 years when I couldn't have been older than 6 or 7. I became used to people coming and going. In fact it's been the key theme in my life, that people will die, and are unfortunately temporary and I had to learn this young. Some family members had come around when my great grandfather was dying assuming he had money so they started hanging out with us only for them to depart shortly after his death after realizing there was nothing he had to give. I think subconsciously I had become emotionally jaded instead of mature. It didn't become any easier when people at my school killed themselves or tried to stab one another
So I gained a fear of abandonment. Future events didn't help it much either. While my brother began to despise talks about emotions (he was 5 years older than me) I began to need someone to talk to more and more.
My family never understood why I had so many issues with education despite doing so well. I had always been bad at communicating my feelings until recently (not that it has changed anything in my life) so they always believed that it was simply me being a boy and not wanting to go to school. This never changed until middle school, it took years for them to finally listen to me when I told them I get chronic migraines I even had a diagnosis for it alongside the CPTSD and GAD. Yet by this time it was too late for anything to be done. Education had been a nightmare for me, unsympathetic teachers, difficult administration that said they didn't believe me because I wasn't one to show I was anxious.
There's more, but I feel like I've painted a clear enough picture of my early childhood. One year my migraines had gotten so bad that I spent all 365 days inside without any connection, and the year after as well. I had been so anxious about high school that I dropped out in 10th grade, and got a GED through some loopholes. I went to college the semester after, entirely online.
So for four years I was locked inside a house. Four years. This doesn't even include all the issues I had dealt with in terms of parents, or the intricate social issues I had online which was my only source of interaction, and remains to be my only source of interaction. In fact 50% of my life was either in school or at home. There was no other location which I went too. I didn't have any friends as they had all ditched me for objectively more put together people in high school. Despite all my academic anxieties doing college online was a breeze for me, I got 4.0 GPA my first three semesters until I transferred.
But we'll come back to this. I want to go over some other things.
SECTION TWO: HOME & FAMILY
All I had was home and videogames. It was what kept me going. For the longest time I had to sit in the living room in order to play multiplayer games with strangers who often treated me better than people in real life. I eventually met some people I stayed friends with for 10 years, however around year 3 I realized that I had always been the but of their jokes, or one who was always worst one in the group. There was a bully of mine in that group, but I liked the other people so much that it was worth it. However anytime I said I didn't like how they made me feel I was met with further ridicule until eventually I simply decided to play with them only when they were on. However I had the burning desire to prove myself and that I wasn't the worst in the group like I had always been in my real life. However this took me years to accomplish and by the time I did it felt hollow.
My parents often would yell at me if I spoke too loud which is typical in most families, however the walls were paper thin, so too loud was talking at a casual indoor volume which often caused me a lot of embarrassment which they never seemed to care about. Sometimes they'd break my things and I'd get super sad and only after they realized how much pain they caused me would they do anything. They didn't realize that being online was one of the most important things to me when I was younger, I don't blame them, however . . .
It wasn't just online. It was vacations, hotel rooms, in public, in private spaces, school, or anything. Every vacation we had ever taken I cried on due to the yelling and bickering that took place between my parents who continually said that it was typical for both of them. However, it never felt like that and for some reason I was always caught in the middle. No matter where I was it always felt as if something was going to go wrong, like someone was going to embarrass me. While I'm aware now the only people they embarrassed was themselves, it is awful that I live with this and feel unable to be myself in any public space. Their justification always was that's how they always were and they always explained how it wasn't going to change and that I'd just have to learn how to live with it. I fear going anywhere with them.
While they're somewhat better now, I can't help but wish they were better then.
SECTION THREE: ONLINE DATING
Being locked in a house for so long does a number on you I think its something that most people can sympathize with at least now. You wish and long for social interaction craving the feeling of someone else around you and eventually it turns to this deep obsession and longing that you cant get rid of or replace. For me, the cure was hearing "I love you." I'm not physically attractive in person, at least not conventionally. I'm 350lbs, but I appear to carry it well so I actually look lighter than I actually am (Thank God). It's safe to say I'm not someone's first choice, and that's okay. I'm good at other things and have skills in other areas. I met a girl online one day and we became friends but we lost each other in school work, a year later we had met again online by chance alone and we spent time with one another. It lasted for about three years with intention to meet up, had I been more mature I'm sure the relationship would've lasted, but it was a right person wrong time situation. She was nice and caring and taught me a lot about religion, I too this day credit her for what little faith I have left in a God.
This isn't the first time I've dated online (by online I mean no physical contact not like dating apps), nor was I the first in my family. My brother had been dating his partner for about 6 years at that point, now he actually brings his partner over and stuff which was super nice to see. She built up my self confidence and practically said every word right when it needed to be said, eventually she cheated, she had come and told me immediately and against my better judgement I forgave her, and then at the end of the relationship she did it again. Was it stupid? Yep. Did I set myself up for it? Yeah. Does it still bother me? Sometimes. However, hearing those words were sweet and gave me a reason to wake up in the morning as stupid as it may sound.
Since then I haven't met anyone, nor do I think I could no matter how much I know it would make my life better. I wouldn't want to burden someone. Plus, I've never had anyone show any interest in me whatsoever, only time people have been willing to give me a chance is if they never saw how I looked and only experienced my personality. (This does wonders for my self-confidence) [clear sarcasm]
SECTION FOUR: WEIGHTLOSS & LACK OF FRIENDS
I've heard all manner of arguments against people who are obese. From the "Control yourself" argument or "eat a salad" or just simply "eat less." However these arguments often come from people who haven't ever dealt with the condition before. It makes life a struggle to live and one would think if things were that simple everyone would be physically fit. However this isn't the case. Yes, all of those things are important, but I've been trying to lose weight since I was 14. That is 6 going on 7 years. With BDD I look myself in the mirror in self hatred, and given that I have a bigger stomach its with me everywhere I go. I predominantly wear baggy clothes in order to cover this up, but even I know that they make me look even worse. The closest I ever got to being below 300 was 310, then I was put on a medication which made me suicidal and all this progress was gone because I had basically been put on home arrest by my family (reasonably so).
Even still, I haven't gotten that close in such a long time and I'm wondering if it'll ever look how I want too. I wonder if people will ever see me as someone other than that fat guy who is mostly socially awkward but can be funny sometimes. I never got to develop the necessary social skills for dealing with people that most kids who grow up bigger do. I don't have a fun sense of humor, I'm very dry, but I feel the need to be funny which never works out. I spent my whole life without friends to the point where I don't even know where to begin in making them.
The amount of sleepless nights ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, now you know everything which leads up to my present day at my current campus and my current life. Thank you for reading up until this point, but now lets get into the finishing portion. Today and tomorrow.
FINAL SECTION: Today and Tomorrow
Remember how I said that I transferred colleges after my third semester? Well, I went to college at 16, and transferred at my last couple months as a 17 year old. I commute and it's about a 30min drive. (I don't know how to drive, COVID-19 ruined my chances at learning when I was supposed too.) At the time I just dropped off a distance away from the campus and walked there as I was embarassed that my parents had to still drive me. Freshmen Orientation was awful, I tried to make it good for myself but the people I was around wanted nothing to do with me and I knew why. I just wasn't good enough. I called the campus to see if there was anything that could be done, and the figured something out, however the second group was no different. I tried connecting with people who were having similar issues to me through digital means to arrange meetups on the campus however this went even worse and I was frequently ghosted. My psychologist at the time believed that I had become triggered from this experience on the first day of classes where I had a severe panic attack where I practically relived 20 years of pain in a couple of seconds. I was reduced to a blabbering mess wondering what I had done wrong, and where I went wrong.
See I had been told my whole life when I suffered through public school that college was going to be this wonderful experience where people find themselves and learn to do things all on their own. I was the first generation to go to college in my family and each person had told me these great things. To me it was pretty much my last vestige of hope. When it all went wrong I had been devastated. To this day I have tried to make friends, I do my best to approach first and be polite with those in my classes. I behave in a helpful fashion and always try to be useful to others. Yet time and time again I've failed. For the first three weeks of my first semester I didn't go to a single class due to horrible anxiety when my only hope was that for once in my life I could be myself.
With all this, I feel alienated, worthless, ugly. Something not worthy of love nor compassion from others, an outsider who doesn't belong. I've slowly carved at all the things I'm confident in out of my mind as I have become burnt out from years of being "so smart." Now I can barely lift a finger for an assignment that is two hours do from midnight either because I'm having a mental breakdown or I'm thinking about having a mental breakdown. I have so many conditions, fears, phobias, and health issues I feel as if my life would be better lived by someone else. All the love and praise I do receive from my professors and family feels wrong and despite my family trying to accommodate my unique needs it always seems like I have to clash with them in order for them to understand I am not the same as them as in I can't just function as they all do. I come from a very hardworking family so to them despite my conditions I'm just lazy and I don't understand how to deal with all of it.
It feels like I was in the character creator and decided to do all negative traits to see how long I would last before I die or go insane. Sometimes I don't know if I've grown to deal with it or if I have become numb to my own feelings and needs which have never been addressed. So with all of this, how do I live? How am I supposed do anything if I can't even do the simple things like go to classes or control how I respond to stress? I feel as if I'm missing out on everything from knowing what my body can possibly do if it was fit, to not getting the social experience I need and so desperately crave even though I know I don't belong.
Everyone responds to life differently and I hope everyone can understand that what may not bother you could bother someone else. I hope people understand I'm not trying to sound cringe or anything, but genuinely receive some form of help. I probably didn't do how I'm feeling justice, or what I've experienced, but this is my first time expressing myself in a online setting.
Good luck everyone! I hope everyone is doing well and if you aren't were in this together.
submitted by LogicallyNefarious to Healthygamergg [link] [comments]
TW: Mentions of death, suicide, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, dysmorphia, C-PTSD,
I'm writing this without the intention of posting it, I'm uncertain if this is something I want to share, but, I feel as if I have no other choice. This is a lot, but I'm trying to trace things back to their possible beginnings. I have no idea if I'm doing this right, I hope that I am.
I ended up posting it.
SECTION ONE: DEATH & EDUCATION
I am a 20M, I don't use reddit for much. I'm born and raised in the United States and I'm GEN Z. I've been in college for almost 5 years and my grades are good for the most part despite my utter burnout. I have several mental conditions both diagnosed and some which I have discovered on my own. I intend to verify with some sort of mental health professional the ones I'm uncertain of. I am confirmed to have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Insomnia. However I believe that I also have some sort of eating disorder as when I'm anxious I eat a lot in order to stop thinking about it, BDD [Body Dysmorphic Disorder] which i'm 100% certain about and depression. My psychologist when I was in high school argued that I have complex PTSD relating to school/academic environments. While I'm not entirely sold on it myself I thought I would include it until I can get a second opinion.
When I was younger I had constantly been told that "You are so mature" and "You look so old/big" that it had become part of my personality, and part of the way I lived my life. I typically agreed with this when I was younger, I didn't find enjoyment in school in fact quite the opposite. I loathed it.
See, I was always the "bigger" kid. I mean big, like I had childhood obesity big. My parents weren't worried however because my doctor at the time had said something along the lines of "As he grows he'll shed some of the weight" however this was not the case whatsoever. I grew up with a lot of weight and when I was younger there was plenty of teasing and bullying. I discovered how cruel people could be when I was very young, as I wasn't as physically fit I found myself unable to have fun as there wasn't something I could go do where I sat away from people. My parents as wonderful as they are never seemed to be able to comprehend why I loathed school to the point where I was pretty much willing to say I had anything just not to go. I had told them how uncomfortable school makes me and they had once proposed to me and asked if I wanted to go to a different school. (We were well off in comparison to most of our area) However what little friends I did make I wanted to keep and I worried that as a new student at a different school I would draw even more attention.
Since I stayed I had to deal with the bullying, I was too afraid to leave what few friends I had. I never understood why they were mean to me. I had always been kind, and I hadn't been afraid to talk for myself however at a certain point I started to believe everything they said. So I started staying in my house more often, the neighbors who I had been friends with since I was very young I fell out with because I didn't want to be physically outside and risk embarrassing myself as I had always done. My favorite hobby was playing video games in the living room, I had nothing else besides my Nintendo DS for Pokémon or other games that my brother and I shared. Looking back I probably made a couple of people feel bad, but I had felt awful too. If I could go back I'd change it. However there is nothing I can do.
Eventually I just stopped letting myself be seen.
My brothers friends became my friends, however as time went on one of them utterly abandoned him because he came out as gay to this friend we'll call Chad. While I didn't know this at the time, one day one of the friends I had made core memories with simply disappeared and I never found out why until I was 16. The year after another one his friends (we'll call him Wedge) lost his sister to cancer, and he eventually stopped hanging out with us due to grief and an onset of mental illness. (I still communicate with him, but for private reasons I can't go into why I can't befriend him please understand). Eventually, another one of our friends (We'll call Jack) had also gotten cancer, he had survived but had been in and out of the hospital so much that we lost our connection. Lastly, the cousin (We'll call her Allison) I was closest with someone who I really related too suddenly dropped out of my life due to inter-family drama with our parents. Bare in mind, this all happened within the span of 2 years when I couldn't have been older than 6 or 7. I became used to people coming and going. In fact it's been the key theme in my life, that people will die, and are unfortunately temporary and I had to learn this young. Some family members had come around when my great grandfather was dying assuming he had money so they started hanging out with us only for them to depart shortly after his death after realizing there was nothing he had to give. I think subconsciously I had become emotionally jaded instead of mature. It didn't become any easier when people at my school killed themselves or tried to stab one another
So I gained a fear of abandonment. Future events didn't help it much either. While my brother began to despise talks about emotions (he was 5 years older than me) I began to need someone to talk to more and more.
My family never understood why I had so many issues with education despite doing so well. I had always been bad at communicating my feelings until recently (not that it has changed anything in my life) so they always believed that it was simply me being a boy and not wanting to go to school. This never changed until middle school, it took years for them to finally listen to me when I told them I get chronic migraines I even had a diagnosis for it alongside the CPTSD and GAD. Yet by this time it was too late for anything to be done. Education had been a nightmare for me, unsympathetic teachers, difficult administration that said they didn't believe me because I wasn't one to show I was anxious.
There's more, but I feel like I've painted a clear enough picture of my early childhood. One year my migraines had gotten so bad that I spent all 365 days inside without any connection, and the year after as well. I had been so anxious about high school that I dropped out in 10th grade, and got a GED through some loopholes. I went to college the semester after, entirely online.
So for four years I was locked inside a house. Four years. This doesn't even include all the issues I had dealt with in terms of parents, or the intricate social issues I had online which was my only source of interaction, and remains to be my only source of interaction. In fact 50% of my life was either in school or at home. There was no other location which I went too. I didn't have any friends as they had all ditched me for objectively more put together people in high school. Despite all my academic anxieties doing college online was a breeze for me, I got 4.0 GPA my first three semesters until I transferred.
But we'll come back to this. I want to go over some other things.
SECTION TWO: HOME & FAMILY
All I had was home and videogames. It was what kept me going. For the longest time I had to sit in the living room in order to play multiplayer games with strangers who often treated me better than people in real life. I eventually met some people I stayed friends with for 10 years, however around year 3 I realized that I had always been the but of their jokes, or one who was always worst one in the group. There was a bully of mine in that group, but I liked the other people so much that it was worth it. However anytime I said I didn't like how they made me feel I was met with further ridicule until eventually I simply decided to play with them only when they were on. However I had the burning desire to prove myself and that I wasn't the worst in the group like I had always been in my real life. However this took me years to accomplish and by the time I did it felt hollow.
My parents often would yell at me if I spoke too loud which is typical in most families, however the walls were paper thin, so too loud was talking at a casual indoor volume which often caused me a lot of embarrassment which they never seemed to care about. Sometimes they'd break my things and I'd get super sad and only after they realized how much pain they caused me would they do anything. They didn't realize that being online was one of the most important things to me when I was younger, I don't blame them, however . . .
It wasn't just online. It was vacations, hotel rooms, in public, in private spaces, school, or anything. Every vacation we had ever taken I cried on due to the yelling and bickering that took place between my parents who continually said that it was typical for both of them. However, it never felt like that and for some reason I was always caught in the middle. No matter where I was it always felt as if something was going to go wrong, like someone was going to embarrass me. While I'm aware now the only people they embarrassed was themselves, it is awful that I live with this and feel unable to be myself in any public space. Their justification always was that's how they always were and they always explained how it wasn't going to change and that I'd just have to learn how to live with it. I fear going anywhere with them.
While they're somewhat better now, I can't help but wish they were better then.
SECTION THREE: ONLINE DATING
Being locked in a house for so long does a number on you I think its something that most people can sympathize with at least now. You wish and long for social interaction craving the feeling of someone else around you and eventually it turns to this deep obsession and longing that you cant get rid of or replace. For me, the cure was hearing "I love you." I'm not physically attractive in person, at least not conventionally. I'm 350lbs, but I appear to carry it well so I actually look lighter than I actually am (Thank God). It's safe to say I'm not someone's first choice, and that's okay. I'm good at other things and have skills in other areas. I met a girl online one day and we became friends but we lost each other in school work, a year later we had met again online by chance alone and we spent time with one another. It lasted for about three years with intention to meet up, had I been more mature I'm sure the relationship would've lasted, but it was a right person wrong time situation. She was nice and caring and taught me a lot about religion, I too this day credit her for what little faith I have left in a God.
This isn't the first time I've dated online (by online I mean no physical contact not like dating apps), nor was I the first in my family. My brother had been dating his partner for about 6 years at that point, now he actually brings his partner over and stuff which was super nice to see. She built up my self confidence and practically said every word right when it needed to be said, eventually she cheated, she had come and told me immediately and against my better judgement I forgave her, and then at the end of the relationship she did it again. Was it stupid? Yep. Did I set myself up for it? Yeah. Does it still bother me? Sometimes. However, hearing those words were sweet and gave me a reason to wake up in the morning as stupid as it may sound.
Since then I haven't met anyone, nor do I think I could no matter how much I know it would make my life better. I wouldn't want to burden someone. Plus, I've never had anyone show any interest in me whatsoever, only time people have been willing to give me a chance is if they never saw how I looked and only experienced my personality. (This does wonders for my self-confidence) [clear sarcasm]
SECTION FOUR: WEIGHTLOSS & LACK OF FRIENDS
I've heard all manner of arguments against people who are obese. From the "Control yourself" argument or "eat a salad" or just simply "eat less." However these arguments often come from people who haven't ever dealt with the condition before. It makes life a struggle to live and one would think if things were that simple everyone would be physically fit. However this isn't the case. Yes, all of those things are important, but I've been trying to lose weight since I was 14. That is 6 going on 7 years. With BDD I look myself in the mirror in self hatred, and given that I have a bigger stomach its with me everywhere I go. I predominantly wear baggy clothes in order to cover this up, but even I know that they make me look even worse. The closest I ever got to being below 300 was 310, then I was put on a medication which made me suicidal and all this progress was gone because I had basically been put on home arrest by my family (reasonably so).
Even still, I haven't gotten that close in such a long time and I'm wondering if it'll ever look how I want too. I wonder if people will ever see me as someone other than that fat guy who is mostly socially awkward but can be funny sometimes. I never got to develop the necessary social skills for dealing with people that most kids who grow up bigger do. I don't have a fun sense of humor, I'm very dry, but I feel the need to be funny which never works out. I spent my whole life without friends to the point where I don't even know where to begin in making them.
The amount of sleepless nights ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alright, now you know everything which leads up to my present day at my current campus and my current life. Thank you for reading up until this point, but now lets get into the finishing portion. Today and tomorrow.
FINAL SECTION: Today and Tomorrow
Remember how I said that I transferred colleges after my third semester? Well, I went to college at 16, and transferred at my last couple months as a 17 year old. I commute and it's about a 30min drive. (I don't know how to drive, COVID-19 ruined my chances at learning when I was supposed too.) At the time I just dropped off a distance away from the campus and walked there as I was embarassed that my parents had to still drive me. Freshmen Orientation was awful, I tried to make it good for myself but the people I was around wanted nothing to do with me and I knew why. I just wasn't good enough. I called the campus to see if there was anything that could be done, and the figured something out, however the second group was no different. I tried connecting with people who were having similar issues to me through digital means to arrange meetups on the campus however this went even worse and I was frequently ghosted. My psychologist at the time believed that I had become triggered from this experience on the first day of classes where I had a severe panic attack where I practically relived 20 years of pain in a couple of seconds. I was reduced to a blabbering mess wondering what I had done wrong, and where I went wrong.
See I had been told my whole life when I suffered through public school that college was going to be this wonderful experience where people find themselves and learn to do things all on their own. I was the first generation to go to college in my family and each person had told me these great things. To me it was pretty much my last vestige of hope. When it all went wrong I had been devastated. To this day I have tried to make friends, I do my best to approach first and be polite with those in my classes. I behave in a helpful fashion and always try to be useful to others. Yet time and time again I've failed. For the first three weeks of my first semester I didn't go to a single class due to horrible anxiety when my only hope was that for once in my life I could be myself.
With all this, I feel alienated, worthless, ugly. Something not worthy of love nor compassion from others, an outsider who doesn't belong. I've slowly carved at all the things I'm confident in out of my mind as I have become burnt out from years of being "so smart." Now I can barely lift a finger for an assignment that is two hours do from midnight either because I'm having a mental breakdown or I'm thinking about having a mental breakdown. I have so many conditions, fears, phobias, and health issues I feel as if my life would be better lived by someone else. All the love and praise I do receive from my professors and family feels wrong and despite my family trying to accommodate my unique needs it always seems like I have to clash with them in order for them to understand I am not the same as them as in I can't just function as they all do. I come from a very hardworking family so to them despite my conditions I'm just lazy and I don't understand how to deal with all of it.
It feels like I was in the character creator and decided to do all negative traits to see how long I would last before I die or go insane. Sometimes I don't know if I've grown to deal with it or if I have become numb to my own feelings and needs which have never been addressed. So with all of this, how do I live? How am I supposed do anything if I can't even do the simple things like go to classes or control how I respond to stress? I feel as if I'm missing out on everything from knowing what my body can possibly do if it was fit, to not getting the social experience I need and so desperately crave even though I know I don't belong.
Everyone responds to life differently and I hope everyone can understand that what may not bother you could bother someone else. I hope people understand I'm not trying to sound cringe or anything, but genuinely receive some form of help. I probably didn't do how I'm feeling justice, or what I've experienced, but this is my first time expressing myself in a online setting.
Good luck everyone! I hope everyone is doing well and if you aren't were in this together.
2024.04.29 00:36 exsapphi On the introduction of barriers
In 2022, Canada gave a 50 homeless people $7,500 in cash. It saved them $8,277 per person in shelter costs.
There isn’t a shortage of social schemes to help people who are struggling. By god, as someone who’s been forced to navigate them recently, there are so many social support organisations that they’ve had to make social support organisations whose only purpose is to help you navigate other social support organisations.
And despite that, it’s still incredibly difficult to find help.
This Canadian study highlights a phenomenon that we are seeing at play in New Zealand politics right now, and that is the introduction of financial controls resulting in reduced access to help for those who need it. It’s nothing new — community services cards are fantastic, but not everyone who is eligible has one. Free prescriptions for low income earners are great, but how many people are going to not go to the effort of updating their income with the government or the health system before they get unexpectedly unwell, and therefore miss out?
But National’s use of this strategy to limit the spending of the disability scheme is perhaps the most overt recent demonstration we’ve had that restricting access to help can be used as a cost-saving measure.
There are many, many problems with this authoritarian approach — for example, spending less on basic social supports for a person will often result in more expensive remedies required for them later. Dental treatment only being publicly funded in emergencies in nz is a good example of this. And it can get even more cost-inefficient, as sometimes the savings across an entire population can actually work out greater than the costs of the more prescriptive alternative.
This Canadian study is an example of that; homeless people who were given cash deposits of $7500 spent so much less time in homeless shelters on average that the state saved more money than it would have spent housing them.
The study overwhelmingly found that these effects compounded over time; nearly every improvement brought with that money had increasing gains later on.
You can lower these barriers by spending more money on more supports, but you never remove them. Cash removes them. You don’t have to locate a shelter or an emergency accomodation provider (most of whom right now are actually full — I don’t know the complete range of overloaded social supports around the country right now, but from personal interactions, there’s frequently no room in domestic violence shelters, rehab facilities, and mental health wards). Cash solves this by getting you a hotel room. You are unlikely to have anywhere near the same level of difficulty finding a hotel room as a free bed in a shelter.
The process of having to apply for help can cause homeless people to lose access to housing. Having to lodge for help with bonds can slow down the process or prevent someone from trying altogether; even just disclosing that this will be needed may cause a landlord to pick someone else. Cash gives the recipient the ability to cover their own bond.
To understand how “false barriers” can be harmful, you either need a lot of experience with that particular situation, or you need a vast and accurate imagination. If you haven’t been homeless, will never be able to predict the issues that may crop up to stump you, and these systems that we external have decided are “good enough” to do the job only create more problems for people.
At the core of the issue is the idea that those receiving help have already failed at self-management, so for money to be spent on them efficiently, it must be prescribed. But this is based on a false belief that this prescription will automatically serve the recipient better, when in reality, as flawed as the money management of a homeless person is, it is still likely to be more efficient and better informed than a series of calculated rules and funds that take into account none of the individual circumstances the person is facing.
It turns out, when you let people determine and meet their own needs, they can be kinda good at it.
submitted by exsapphi to nzpolitics [link] [comments]
There isn’t a shortage of social schemes to help people who are struggling. By god, as someone who’s been forced to navigate them recently, there are so many social support organisations that they’ve had to make social support organisations whose only purpose is to help you navigate other social support organisations.
And despite that, it’s still incredibly difficult to find help.
This Canadian study highlights a phenomenon that we are seeing at play in New Zealand politics right now, and that is the introduction of financial controls resulting in reduced access to help for those who need it. It’s nothing new — community services cards are fantastic, but not everyone who is eligible has one. Free prescriptions for low income earners are great, but how many people are going to not go to the effort of updating their income with the government or the health system before they get unexpectedly unwell, and therefore miss out?
But National’s use of this strategy to limit the spending of the disability scheme is perhaps the most overt recent demonstration we’ve had that restricting access to help can be used as a cost-saving measure.
There are many, many problems with this authoritarian approach — for example, spending less on basic social supports for a person will often result in more expensive remedies required for them later. Dental treatment only being publicly funded in emergencies in nz is a good example of this. And it can get even more cost-inefficient, as sometimes the savings across an entire population can actually work out greater than the costs of the more prescriptive alternative.
This Canadian study is an example of that; homeless people who were given cash deposits of $7500 spent so much less time in homeless shelters on average that the state saved more money than it would have spent housing them.
Traditional approaches to addressing homelessness have focused on the provision of emergency services, healthcare, and housing supports. While these programs help prevent more severe forms of homelessness, they do not directly address a core cause: lack of money. Because poverty impairs cognitive function and mental health, cash transfers help address both financial and psychological barriers.Cash transfers can allow a homeless person to have the freedom to spend money how they want. Just the act of giving them this freedom and security can improve mental and physical wellbeing — imagine the immediate stress relief of being told you suddenly have enough money to feed and clothe yourself for the foreseeable future. That has a real effect.
The study overwhelmingly found that these effects compounded over time; nearly every improvement brought with that money had increasing gains later on.
The analyses suggest that the overall effects were primarily driven by impacts within the first 3 mo after the cash transfer. For example, the benefits in housing stability and spending were immediate, but diminished as the control group eventually gained stability over time.This is because there are barriers created by “supports” that just cannot be overcome in comparison to the freedom of cash. A homeless person is the least-equipped person to travel and call around a number of different organisations in order to ask and apply and inquire for the different types of help available to them. They are very likely to be especially ill-equipped to navigate such a system even before you add in the adverse circumstances of homlessness.
The cash transfer did not have overall impacts on employment, cognitive function, subjective well-being, alcohol use severity, education, or food security, yet there were some short-term impacts on these outcomes. For example, more cash recipients achieved food security than control participants 1 mo after the cash transfer. Cash recipients also showed higher positive affect at 1 mo, had greater total income, and showed higher accuracy on an executive function task at 3 mo. The only detrimental effect was lower social connection at 9 mo, which could be due to moving to a new housing environment and a new community away from the shelter.
You can lower these barriers by spending more money on more supports, but you never remove them. Cash removes them. You don’t have to locate a shelter or an emergency accomodation provider (most of whom right now are actually full — I don’t know the complete range of overloaded social supports around the country right now, but from personal interactions, there’s frequently no room in domestic violence shelters, rehab facilities, and mental health wards). Cash solves this by getting you a hotel room. You are unlikely to have anywhere near the same level of difficulty finding a hotel room as a free bed in a shelter.
The process of having to apply for help can cause homeless people to lose access to housing. Having to lodge for help with bonds can slow down the process or prevent someone from trying altogether; even just disclosing that this will be needed may cause a landlord to pick someone else. Cash gives the recipient the ability to cover their own bond.
To understand how “false barriers” can be harmful, you either need a lot of experience with that particular situation, or you need a vast and accurate imagination. If you haven’t been homeless, will never be able to predict the issues that may crop up to stump you, and these systems that we external have decided are “good enough” to do the job only create more problems for people.
At the core of the issue is the idea that those receiving help have already failed at self-management, so for money to be spent on them efficiently, it must be prescribed. But this is based on a false belief that this prescription will automatically serve the recipient better, when in reality, as flawed as the money management of a homeless person is, it is still likely to be more efficient and better informed than a series of calculated rules and funds that take into account none of the individual circumstances the person is facing.
It turns out, when you let people determine and meet their own needs, they can be kinda good at it.
2024.04.29 00:22 Brime_Time OGG #5: Eaglesticks Golf Club
Course/Location/Par: Eaglesticks Golf Club/Zanesville/70
Length/Rating/Slope: White 5493 (64.5/112) Blue 6128 (66.9/120) Gold 6508 (68.7/123)
Architect: Michael Hurdzan
Walkability: Walking not recommended. The signature of this course is elevation changes.
Course Layout: Eaglesticks is a par 70 with an interesting hole setup. The front 9 only has one par 5, but the back 9 features three par 3s and two par 5s. Most holes feature an elevated tee box that places the fairway below you. On a lot of the holes, the rough down the sides of the hole is raised which results in slightly errant shots running back toward the fairway. This can make the course play a little bit forgiving as shown in the rating and slope numbers. However, hitting it offline too far will punish you with many opportunities to lose a ball even though there’s not much water on the course. Eaglesticks is most fun on a dry day where the ball will run. That plus the elevation change will add 20-30 yards to your tee shots and set you up for a fun round. Don’t be fooled though, this course isn’t a cupcake.
Conditions: Some of the bunkers need some work, but other than that it’s usually in great condition. The greens are usually fast and roll great.
Amenities: I’ll start with a special shoutout to the pro shop. One of the best stocked in central Ohio. Lots of clubs, some shoes and apparel from the major brands. The driving range is nice and they have a large putting green just behind the clubhouse. The bagrill is also pretty good for some food at the turn. Above average all around.
Value: Tee times can be $60-80 on the weekends during peak times and I think that’s overpaying a bit. However, if you can get here on a weekday or a weekend twilight time, you can frequently play for less than $50. For that price, it’s a fantastic value.
Pace of Play: All depends on what day/time you play. I’ve had slow rounds here, but my last one this past weekend was 3.5 hours.
Difficulty: The tee shots are forgiving, but the approach shots and par 3s are not. The course presents a challenge, but almost everyone will have fun here. It hits the sweet spot in this balance.
Favorite Hole (s):
3 is a downhill par 5 that is an eagle opportunity if you hit a good drive. A 300+ drive is in play for the average golfer here. Don’t go right!
7 used to be one of my least favorite holes, but now I’ve grown to love it. A short 4 with an extremely narrow green. The entire hole is downhill. Again, don’t go right.
16 is a blind par 4. Hit it 200ish yards down the middle and it will run down the hill on a dry day. Leaving you a flip wedge to a back to front sloped green.
Least Favorites Hole(s):
8 is a long par 4 with a narrow fairway. Everything slopes right to left. The green is elevated and you’ll be hitting a long iron in at least. It’s a tough green to hold and the short right miss is death. It’s just hard.
12 is a par 3 where you hit over a valley. The green has 3 tiers and if the pin is in the back it’s incredibly hard. My problem with this hole is you can’t miss. Left and right are dead and so is long. Short is safe but an impossible chip up the hill. Mark me down for bogey.
15 is basically a copy of 8, but with even more death short right on the approach.
Overall Rating: Before I gush some more about this course, I’ll admit that I may be biased because my career low round was here. That being said, I love Eaglesticks. I live in Columbus, but make the hour plus drive 3-4 times a year to play it. There’s a ton of fun shots to hit out here on top of the great conditions and reasonable price. Many of the holes will make you feel better at golf than you really are. Luckily, nobody is reading these or I’d be worried about making the place crowded and driving up prices. The only negative I can think of is that the bunkers need some attention in spots. For that reason, it’s not going to get a perfect score. 4.5/5 Buckeyes.
If you have a suggestion for my next review, comment below!
submitted by Brime_Time to OhioGolf [link] [comments]
Length/Rating/Slope: White 5493 (64.5/112) Blue 6128 (66.9/120) Gold 6508 (68.7/123)
Architect: Michael Hurdzan
Walkability: Walking not recommended. The signature of this course is elevation changes.
Course Layout: Eaglesticks is a par 70 with an interesting hole setup. The front 9 only has one par 5, but the back 9 features three par 3s and two par 5s. Most holes feature an elevated tee box that places the fairway below you. On a lot of the holes, the rough down the sides of the hole is raised which results in slightly errant shots running back toward the fairway. This can make the course play a little bit forgiving as shown in the rating and slope numbers. However, hitting it offline too far will punish you with many opportunities to lose a ball even though there’s not much water on the course. Eaglesticks is most fun on a dry day where the ball will run. That plus the elevation change will add 20-30 yards to your tee shots and set you up for a fun round. Don’t be fooled though, this course isn’t a cupcake.
Conditions: Some of the bunkers need some work, but other than that it’s usually in great condition. The greens are usually fast and roll great.
Amenities: I’ll start with a special shoutout to the pro shop. One of the best stocked in central Ohio. Lots of clubs, some shoes and apparel from the major brands. The driving range is nice and they have a large putting green just behind the clubhouse. The bagrill is also pretty good for some food at the turn. Above average all around.
Value: Tee times can be $60-80 on the weekends during peak times and I think that’s overpaying a bit. However, if you can get here on a weekday or a weekend twilight time, you can frequently play for less than $50. For that price, it’s a fantastic value.
Pace of Play: All depends on what day/time you play. I’ve had slow rounds here, but my last one this past weekend was 3.5 hours.
Difficulty: The tee shots are forgiving, but the approach shots and par 3s are not. The course presents a challenge, but almost everyone will have fun here. It hits the sweet spot in this balance.
Favorite Hole (s):
3 is a downhill par 5 that is an eagle opportunity if you hit a good drive. A 300+ drive is in play for the average golfer here. Don’t go right!
7 used to be one of my least favorite holes, but now I’ve grown to love it. A short 4 with an extremely narrow green. The entire hole is downhill. Again, don’t go right.
16 is a blind par 4. Hit it 200ish yards down the middle and it will run down the hill on a dry day. Leaving you a flip wedge to a back to front sloped green.
Least Favorites Hole(s):
8 is a long par 4 with a narrow fairway. Everything slopes right to left. The green is elevated and you’ll be hitting a long iron in at least. It’s a tough green to hold and the short right miss is death. It’s just hard.
12 is a par 3 where you hit over a valley. The green has 3 tiers and if the pin is in the back it’s incredibly hard. My problem with this hole is you can’t miss. Left and right are dead and so is long. Short is safe but an impossible chip up the hill. Mark me down for bogey.
15 is basically a copy of 8, but with even more death short right on the approach.
Overall Rating: Before I gush some more about this course, I’ll admit that I may be biased because my career low round was here. That being said, I love Eaglesticks. I live in Columbus, but make the hour plus drive 3-4 times a year to play it. There’s a ton of fun shots to hit out here on top of the great conditions and reasonable price. Many of the holes will make you feel better at golf than you really are. Luckily, nobody is reading these or I’d be worried about making the place crowded and driving up prices. The only negative I can think of is that the bunkers need some attention in spots. For that reason, it’s not going to get a perfect score. 4.5/5 Buckeyes.
If you have a suggestion for my next review, comment below!
2024.04.28 23:58 KrimzsonTv People need to seriously stop saying "All Shrifts Yhwach" and then ignoring the implications of that combo
People need to seriously stop saying “All Shrifts Yhwach” and then ignoring the implications of that combo
“All Shrifts Yhwach” is a meta and potential interpretation of Yhwach and his abilities which is sometimes used in VSBattles on this sub and across the wider internet, I see it pretty often but every time I do I end up seeing at least one person who treats “All Shrifts Yhwach” as a normal full power Yhwach with a batman toolbelt
I am making this post so I can link it the next time people here are talking about this version of Yhwach
A, The Almighty:
Yhwach’s base shrift, This Shrift allows the user to see every possible future that could occur stretching off potentially years ahead. These different possibilities are described as countless grains of sand blowing in the wind which Yhwach can see simultaneously. Evidence supports the vision The Almighty grants extending beyond the users normal POV as well, allowing Ichibei to recount the conversation between Ichibei and Ichigo far away as if it were a flashback (Beyond this Bleach characters have been shown to be able to sense things far off from themselves throughout the series, even being able to sense people in other dimensions)
Beyond the precognition this allows, it gives Yhwach the ability to hand-pick the future which he wants the timeline to become, in practice this means that as long as the thing Yhwach wants is possible, it has a 100% chance of happening regardless of the odds otherwise as soon as Yhwach selects that as the new future.
Beyond just being able to see the future, the user of The Almighty can also interact directly with the future itself, allowing them to attack or break things from an earlier point in the timeline itself
The Almighty also nullifies any ability that he sees used in the possible futures, using this Yhwach has directly negated Hado 99’s energy manipulation, Ichimonji’s conceptual erasure, and Ichibei’s black palace technique which is conceptual darkness manipulation
Lastly, The Almighty gives the user the ability to rewrite the timeline allowing Yhwach to bring himself back to life after he had already been killed
M, The Miracle:
This ability belongs to Gerard Valkyrie. To keep it short, The Miracle simply allows the user to make the impossible possible. If the user wants something to happen then it becomes far more likely to happen, with implications that the odds that it happens go up in accordance to how unlikely it would normally be (For example, since you have 0% Chance of coming back to life when killed, those odds are now 100%)
B, The Balance:
Jugram Haschwalth’s Shrift, this allows the user to manipulate fortune and misfortune at will, think of it as an on command version of D4C combined with WoU. Any Misfortune or Fortune can be taken from one source and redirected as the opposite on someone else. As an example when Yhwach left Oetsu to fight Ichibei it was VERY fortunate for Oetsu, and Jugram redirected this into misfortune for the cage of life, causing it to explode. In short, if you were to get lucky in a fight with the user of The Balance, they can take your good luck and redirect it back as bad luck.
W, The Wind:
Nianzol Wiezol’s Shrift, this ability causes any attack approaching the user to be redirected, even surprise attacks are blocked and redirected, imagine Ultra Instinct, but instead of instinctually dodging attacks the attacks are destined to never reach their target. Non-direct attacks bypass this however
V, The Visionary:
Gremmy’s Shrift. In short, it is high level realty warping that allows the user to make their imagination reality
V, The Vanishing Point:
Guenael Lee’s Shrift. This Shrift has multiple abilities which include to…
-Erase yourself from your opponents memories, leaving them confused as to why they are even there
-Turn invisible
-Become incorporeal
X, The X-Axis:
Lille Barro’s Shrift. Gives the user the ability to fire attacks with no projectile, instead instantly hitting whatever was being aimed at, eliminating the ability to dodge the attack itself
By opening both eyes the user of this Shrift also becomes intangible
Y, The Yourself:
Royd Lloyd and Loyd Lloyd’s Shrift. Allows the user to copy the stats and abilities of another person
F, The Fear
As Nodt’s Shrift. Simply looking at the user paralyzes the victim with primal fear
If you take this ability and combine it with The Miracle you are already looking at someone who is theoretically unbeatable outside of being asynchronous to time or otherwise acausal, as the primary win-con against Yhwach (Having no future where he wins) is now out the window
Giving him ALL of the shrifts is borderline unfair, but people seriously still underrate them and treat Yhwach as normal but with a few more tricks up his sleeve
submitted by KrimzsonTv to powerscales [link] [comments]
“All Shrifts Yhwach” is a meta and potential interpretation of Yhwach and his abilities which is sometimes used in VSBattles on this sub and across the wider internet, I see it pretty often but every time I do I end up seeing at least one person who treats “All Shrifts Yhwach” as a normal full power Yhwach with a batman toolbelt
I am making this post so I can link it the next time people here are talking about this version of Yhwach
The Shrifts
(I will only be discussing the cream of the crop here, lower power Shrifts like “The Power” or ones that are poorly explained like “The K” will be discarded for the sake of this post for brevity)A, The Almighty:
Yhwach’s base shrift, This Shrift allows the user to see every possible future that could occur stretching off potentially years ahead. These different possibilities are described as countless grains of sand blowing in the wind which Yhwach can see simultaneously. Evidence supports the vision The Almighty grants extending beyond the users normal POV as well, allowing Ichibei to recount the conversation between Ichibei and Ichigo far away as if it were a flashback (Beyond this Bleach characters have been shown to be able to sense things far off from themselves throughout the series, even being able to sense people in other dimensions)
Beyond the precognition this allows, it gives Yhwach the ability to hand-pick the future which he wants the timeline to become, in practice this means that as long as the thing Yhwach wants is possible, it has a 100% chance of happening regardless of the odds otherwise as soon as Yhwach selects that as the new future.
Beyond just being able to see the future, the user of The Almighty can also interact directly with the future itself, allowing them to attack or break things from an earlier point in the timeline itself
The Almighty also nullifies any ability that he sees used in the possible futures, using this Yhwach has directly negated Hado 99’s energy manipulation, Ichimonji’s conceptual erasure, and Ichibei’s black palace technique which is conceptual darkness manipulation
Lastly, The Almighty gives the user the ability to rewrite the timeline allowing Yhwach to bring himself back to life after he had already been killed
M, The Miracle:
This ability belongs to Gerard Valkyrie. To keep it short, The Miracle simply allows the user to make the impossible possible. If the user wants something to happen then it becomes far more likely to happen, with implications that the odds that it happens go up in accordance to how unlikely it would normally be (For example, since you have 0% Chance of coming back to life when killed, those odds are now 100%)
B, The Balance:
Jugram Haschwalth’s Shrift, this allows the user to manipulate fortune and misfortune at will, think of it as an on command version of D4C combined with WoU. Any Misfortune or Fortune can be taken from one source and redirected as the opposite on someone else. As an example when Yhwach left Oetsu to fight Ichibei it was VERY fortunate for Oetsu, and Jugram redirected this into misfortune for the cage of life, causing it to explode. In short, if you were to get lucky in a fight with the user of The Balance, they can take your good luck and redirect it back as bad luck.
W, The Wind:
Nianzol Wiezol’s Shrift, this ability causes any attack approaching the user to be redirected, even surprise attacks are blocked and redirected, imagine Ultra Instinct, but instead of instinctually dodging attacks the attacks are destined to never reach their target. Non-direct attacks bypass this however
V, The Visionary:
Gremmy’s Shrift. In short, it is high level realty warping that allows the user to make their imagination reality
V, The Vanishing Point:
Guenael Lee’s Shrift. This Shrift has multiple abilities which include to…
-Erase yourself from your opponents memories, leaving them confused as to why they are even there
-Turn invisible
-Become incorporeal
X, The X-Axis:
Lille Barro’s Shrift. Gives the user the ability to fire attacks with no projectile, instead instantly hitting whatever was being aimed at, eliminating the ability to dodge the attack itself
By opening both eyes the user of this Shrift also becomes intangible
Y, The Yourself:
Royd Lloyd and Loyd Lloyd’s Shrift. Allows the user to copy the stats and abilities of another person
F, The Fear
As Nodt’s Shrift. Simply looking at the user paralyzes the victim with primal fear
Conclusion
Yhwach’s ability The Almighty alone is one of the most “Fuck you, I win” abilities in fiction, as it essentially means that no matter what he either no diffs or gets no diff’d since the only way to defeat him realistically is to be so out of his league that there exists literally no possible future where he could win. If a future where he wins exists then he just winsIf you take this ability and combine it with The Miracle you are already looking at someone who is theoretically unbeatable outside of being asynchronous to time or otherwise acausal, as the primary win-con against Yhwach (Having no future where he wins) is now out the window
Giving him ALL of the shrifts is borderline unfair, but people seriously still underrate them and treat Yhwach as normal but with a few more tricks up his sleeve
2024.04.28 23:57 KrimzsonTv People need to seriously stop saying “All Shrifts Yhwach” and then ignoring the implications of that combo
“All Shrifts Yhwach” is a meta and potential interpretation of Yhwach and his abilities which is sometimes used in VSBattles on this sub and across the wider internet, I see it pretty often but every time I do I end up seeing at least one person who treats “All Shrifts Yhwach” as a normal full power Yhwach with a batman toolbelt
I am making this post so I can link it the next time people here are talking about this version of Yhwach
A, The Almighty:
Yhwach’s base shrift, This Shrift allows the user to see every possible future that could occur stretching off potentially years ahead. These different possibilities are described as countless grains of sand blowing in the wind which Yhwach can see simultaneously. Evidence supports the vision The Almighty grants extending beyond the users normal POV as well, allowing Ichibei to recount the conversation between Ichibei and Ichigo far away as if it were a flashback (Beyond this Bleach characters have been shown to be able to sense things far off from themselves throughout the series, even being able to sense people in other dimensions)
Beyond the precognition this allows, it gives Yhwach the ability to hand-pick the future which he wants the timeline to become, in practice this means that as long as the thing Yhwach wants is possible, it has a 100% chance of happening regardless of the odds otherwise as soon as Yhwach selects that as the new future.
Beyond just being able to see the future, the user of The Almighty can also interact directly with the future itself, allowing them to attack or break things from an earlier point in the timeline itself
The Almighty also nullifies any ability that he sees used in the possible futures, using this Yhwach has directly negated Hado 99’s energy manipulation, Ichimonji’s conceptual erasure, and Ichibei’s black palace technique which is conceptual darkness manipulation
Lastly, The Almighty gives the user the ability to rewrite the timeline allowing Yhwach to bring himself back to life after he had already been killed
M, The Miracle:
This ability belongs to Gerard Valkyrie. To keep it short, The Miracle simply allows the user to make the impossible possible. If the user wants something to happen then it becomes far more likely to happen, with implications that the odds that it happens go up in accordance to how unlikely it would normally be (For example, since you have 0% Chance of coming back to life when killed, those odds are now 100%)
B, The Balance:
Jugram Haschwalth’s Shrift, this allows the user to manipulate fortune and misfortune at will, think of it as an on command version of D4C combined with WoU. Any Misfortune or Fortune can be taken from one source and redirected as the opposite on someone else. As an example when Yhwach left Oetsu to fight Ichibei it was VERY fortunate for Oetsu, and Jugram redirected this into misfortune for the cage of life, causing it to explode. In short, if you were to get lucky in a fight with the user of The Balance, they can take your good luck and redirect it back as bad luck.
W, The Wind:
Nianzol Wiezol’s Shrift, this ability causes any attack approaching the user to be redirected, even surprise attacks are blocked and redirected, imagine Ultra Instinct, but instead of instinctually dodging attacks the attacks are destined to never reach their target. Non-direct attacks bypass this however
V, The Visionary:
Gremmy’s Shrift. In short, it is high level realty warping that allows the user to make their imagination reality
V, The Vanishing Point:
Guenael Lee’s Shrift. This Shrift has multiple abilities which include to…
-Erase yourself from your opponents memories, leaving them confused as to why they are even there
-Turn invisible
-Become incorporeal
X, The X-Axis:
Lille Barro’s Shrift. Gives the user the ability to fire attacks with no projectile, instead instantly hitting whatever was being aimed at, eliminating the ability to dodge the attack itself
By opening both eyes the user of this Shrift also becomes intangible
Y, The Yourself:
Royd Lloyd and Loyd Lloyd’s Shrift. Allows the user to copy the stats and abilities of another person
F, The Fear
As Nodt’s Shrift. Simply looking at the user paralyzes the victim with primal fear
If you take this ability and combine it with The Miracle you are already looking at someone who is theoretically unbeatable outside of being asynchronous to time or otherwise acausal, as the primary win-con against Yhwach (Having no future where he wins) is now out the window
Giving him ALL of the shrifts is borderline unfair, but people seriously still underrate them and treat Yhwach as normal but with a few more tricks up his sleeve
submitted by KrimzsonTv to PowerScaling [link] [comments]
I am making this post so I can link it the next time people here are talking about this version of Yhwach
The Shrifts
(I will only be discussing the cream of the crop here, lower power Shrifts like “The Power” or ones that are poorly explained like “The K” will be discarded for the sake of this post for brevity)A, The Almighty:
Yhwach’s base shrift, This Shrift allows the user to see every possible future that could occur stretching off potentially years ahead. These different possibilities are described as countless grains of sand blowing in the wind which Yhwach can see simultaneously. Evidence supports the vision The Almighty grants extending beyond the users normal POV as well, allowing Ichibei to recount the conversation between Ichibei and Ichigo far away as if it were a flashback (Beyond this Bleach characters have been shown to be able to sense things far off from themselves throughout the series, even being able to sense people in other dimensions)
Beyond the precognition this allows, it gives Yhwach the ability to hand-pick the future which he wants the timeline to become, in practice this means that as long as the thing Yhwach wants is possible, it has a 100% chance of happening regardless of the odds otherwise as soon as Yhwach selects that as the new future.
Beyond just being able to see the future, the user of The Almighty can also interact directly with the future itself, allowing them to attack or break things from an earlier point in the timeline itself
The Almighty also nullifies any ability that he sees used in the possible futures, using this Yhwach has directly negated Hado 99’s energy manipulation, Ichimonji’s conceptual erasure, and Ichibei’s black palace technique which is conceptual darkness manipulation
Lastly, The Almighty gives the user the ability to rewrite the timeline allowing Yhwach to bring himself back to life after he had already been killed
M, The Miracle:
This ability belongs to Gerard Valkyrie. To keep it short, The Miracle simply allows the user to make the impossible possible. If the user wants something to happen then it becomes far more likely to happen, with implications that the odds that it happens go up in accordance to how unlikely it would normally be (For example, since you have 0% Chance of coming back to life when killed, those odds are now 100%)
B, The Balance:
Jugram Haschwalth’s Shrift, this allows the user to manipulate fortune and misfortune at will, think of it as an on command version of D4C combined with WoU. Any Misfortune or Fortune can be taken from one source and redirected as the opposite on someone else. As an example when Yhwach left Oetsu to fight Ichibei it was VERY fortunate for Oetsu, and Jugram redirected this into misfortune for the cage of life, causing it to explode. In short, if you were to get lucky in a fight with the user of The Balance, they can take your good luck and redirect it back as bad luck.
W, The Wind:
Nianzol Wiezol’s Shrift, this ability causes any attack approaching the user to be redirected, even surprise attacks are blocked and redirected, imagine Ultra Instinct, but instead of instinctually dodging attacks the attacks are destined to never reach their target. Non-direct attacks bypass this however
V, The Visionary:
Gremmy’s Shrift. In short, it is high level realty warping that allows the user to make their imagination reality
V, The Vanishing Point:
Guenael Lee’s Shrift. This Shrift has multiple abilities which include to…
-Erase yourself from your opponents memories, leaving them confused as to why they are even there
-Turn invisible
-Become incorporeal
X, The X-Axis:
Lille Barro’s Shrift. Gives the user the ability to fire attacks with no projectile, instead instantly hitting whatever was being aimed at, eliminating the ability to dodge the attack itself
By opening both eyes the user of this Shrift also becomes intangible
Y, The Yourself:
Royd Lloyd and Loyd Lloyd’s Shrift. Allows the user to copy the stats and abilities of another person
F, The Fear
As Nodt’s Shrift. Simply looking at the user paralyzes the victim with primal fear
Conclusion
Yhwach’s ability The Almighty alone is one of the most “Fuck you, I win” abilities in fiction, as it essentially means that no matter what he either no diffs or gets no diff’d since the only way to defeat him realistically is to be so out of his league that there exists literally no possible future where he could win. If a future where he wins exists then he just winsIf you take this ability and combine it with The Miracle you are already looking at someone who is theoretically unbeatable outside of being asynchronous to time or otherwise acausal, as the primary win-con against Yhwach (Having no future where he wins) is now out the window
Giving him ALL of the shrifts is borderline unfair, but people seriously still underrate them and treat Yhwach as normal but with a few more tricks up his sleeve
2024.04.28 23:01 BranFlakes2020 Still young, still figuring things out style wise, (we're in a disagreement)
Me and my wife are about to go to her graduation ceremony (yay!) But there is a style issue. I'm balding, have been balding since 16, I know for a fact I look better with a trimmed short hairstyle, but my wife likes it with length (it gets wired and frankly, I look atleast 5 to 10 years older growing it out a couple inches, think of mid 30s/40s business man okay?) and she gets upset whenever I mention it because she says it's ugly BUT I like it and others have even told me honestly that I look more youthful and I have a good head shape for trim (which that is exactly how I felt honestly) so it bothers me that for some reason she can't seem to see it as better while everyone else seems to be on my level about it. My initial plan is to "suck it up" and make sure to style myself for her special occasion, but just wondering on others thoughts, I know this sub is ALL ABOUT the little things turning into something big but it does make me feel weird, I have communicated this but no budge but I get it, also, again, I'm totally on board for compromising on this occasion, I was just wondering what a more broad opinion was on this, also, thanks again in advance!
submitted by BranFlakes2020 to Marriage [link] [comments]
2024.04.28 22:46 Chance-Worth-4954 Little story about how it all started..
 | A bit of history.. submitted by Chance-Worth-4954 to IPTVAdviceAndTip [link] [comments] In the 80s and 90s, we have satellite dishes with pirate cards, it worked perfectly, but at that time we didn't have any problems with buffering. ;>)) But there were also people like myself with my own subscriptions to both Viasat & Canal Digital that I paid for. At that time it cost EUR 90 per month in today's currency. If you had the knowledge, you could read the original card and then add another one that you could then sell. The problem then was that anyone who had a little knowledge of how it worked with card readers could then in turn make a copy of what he bought. At that time there was no control over how many users were used. I made my own software so that no one could make a copy of my cards, when it was put in a card reader the card was erased, except for a small "string" where I could see if any attempt to read the card was made... The smartcard used by DirecTV after the “H card” became known by pirates as the “HU” card. This was the third smartcard series for DSS (P3 card - period 3). Sometimes referred to as “the football card” because of the artwork on the back of the card.’ Oddly enough, the “football card” was not the one OJ Simpson was busted for pirating. That was the previous generation of smartcard, the “H card”. https://preview.redd.it/smlkhrx76axc1.jpg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8b037b1d67788d32286def83b97d042b3e38f825 By 2001, “HU loader” pirate smartcard programming software hit the market even before the hacked “H card” swap-out was done. Some pirates still used hacked H cards while others were buying new pirate HU cards that would last through the impending complete shutdown of the H card. For prices in the tens of thousands of dollars, dealers bought HU loaders - slightly modified WildThing glitchers, with new software for the new smartcard. The pirate customer base had grown a lot from the previous hacked cards, so there was plenty of demand for the HU hack. Once the HU loader was in the hands of pirates, it wasn’t long before it was cloned. More sources for HU loaders meant competitive prices. Eventually this led to the secret firmware for the HU loader (the “Atmel code”, for the AT90S2313 chip) being posted on a public website. After the HU loader Atmel code was posted on the “HackHU” website, anybody with the right kind of smartcard programmer could program their own pirate HU cards. Some pirates modified the WildThing unlooper they bought for the H card to be compatible with the new HU loader. In the early 2000s, detailed technical information about new hacks, schematics and software, was being spread via the Internet at an accelerated rate. It was no longer a trickle of information from high level dealers filtering down to end users. A pirate might buy an expensive unlooper or loader, think “I could sell a lot of these”, reverse engineer the PCB and draw a schematic, then a locked chip becomes a dead end. So they post schematics online and hope someone else shares the missing pieces. Many hardware producers (like Mikobu) competed to build and sell ready-to-use HU loaders. By 2002, for under a hundred dollars anybody could get everything they needed to program pirate smartcards. It was never easier to become a DirecTV pirate, or even a pirate card dealer. https://preview.redd.it/pad3rdwc6axc1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=015bb714ef4b0423a65fdf869403e8aca1eaa5df This is another example, a Mikobu III loadeunlooper. The Mikobu III may have been the top selling pirate card programmer in its time, it was considered the “gold standard” to many pirates. https://preview.redd.it/qsk44k6h6axc1.jpg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3a499a9cc93a2a8bd5467351fc16d9a47768b45a In 2001, the pirates had to deal with something they recognized all too well by now - their hacked smartcards were looped by a countermeasure against them. A lot of people had gotten used to programming their own smartcards, now they had to hope somebody produced an HU unlooper. As was typical, the first HU unlooper was in the hands of a commercial pirate, unlooping cards for a fee. Later on, though, things took a turn - the growing mass of hackers chatting and sharing information online led to a new kind of development. Not just one, but two kinds of HU unlooper were released and shared freely on the internet within days of each other in March 2002. HUFF (to unloop the HU cards responding only FF due to looping) and ul4s (unloop for sure). They both worked great. https://preview.redd.it/axc4rddl6axc1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=add5fa4f2cbc84a72e9d9a8642f52ed77f25d346 https://preview.redd.it/lb4d86gm6axc1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ba55d97148c8ce6e91a420c0ccb16ddd4e14ef04 By this time there was a kind of “critical mass” of hackers online, developing and sharing hacks for the HU card. Web forums, usually vBulletin or phpBB, were numerous and very active. Pirates helped each other use hacks and searched for new fixes when their cards were shut down. Popular forums of the time included The Pirates Den (dsschat .com), Interesting Devices (id-discussions), Innermatrix, DR7 .com, Hitec Sat, and dozens of others. Many forums were owned by pirate dealers, and some acted as administrators or moderators on others. Forums weren’t only for end-user pirates, some of the hackers developing new fixes frequented them also. Over time there was a shift from hacks developed in private and sold through a dealer network, to more widespread, and sometimes free, direct sharing over the Internet. Some of the hackers became known and respected by many other pirates who admired the skills required to create new and improved hacks. Names like no1b4me, aol6945, and RAM9999 were amongst the elite in the online forums. https://preview.redd.it/h0wqaetq6axc1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=faa66dca9cf2f39a868fbd68776b9795e7231cba Some of these hackers’ names would later show up on a DirecTV website publicizing the many legal actions taken against pirates. DirecTV would proudly boast over 24,000 lawsuits against end users, in addition to action against the hackers and dealers. Satellite TV piracy was big business. In 1998, Canadian pirate Reggie Scullion (V-Cipher) was raided by police and $4 million in cash, bonds, and bank drafts was seized from his home and business, along with over 10,000 DirecTV smartcards. Pirate business was booming. By 2003, satellite TV piracy seemed to have been growing out of control for years, despite increasing legal actions against pirates. There were estimates in the press of over 3 million satellite TV pirates, resulting in pay TV companies losing $4 billion in revenue. Most end-user pirates were paying someone to program, or to unloop, their smartcard. The dealers they paid came in all shapes and sizes - friends, family, small businesses, international pirate dealer networks. Hackers were writing their own versions of 3M code (or ripping off someone else’s), packaging it up in a loader program with a Windows GUI, or in some cases a script for the popular Winexplorer tool, and offering it for sale. Pirate software evolved alongside changes in computers and the Internet. From MS-DOS text interfaces to simple Windows applications with two or three buttons, to integrated environments for developing and testing hacks. For the H card, a software package “BasicH” was been popular for being powerful but also relatively simple to use. Later, with the HU card, even more tools like “ExtremeHU” for programming cards and “HU Sandbox” for developing new pirate code became standard tools for hackers. https://preview.redd.it/07rj9fiw6axc1.jpg?width=766&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=11baf6c8dcea5fc0b124bde1fb7924a35763b58b WinExplorer was a widely used tool for smartcard hackers, for writing “.XVB files”, VBScript programs that talked to smartcards or smartcard glitchers. Hackers would share, study, and modify an overwhelming number of .XVB files, a de facto standard for pirate satellite scripts. https://preview.redd.it/lu7krltz6axc1.jpg?width=760&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0943808106bba39bcf9f3f0ee7f82adaa612812f Another way used by pirates to watch DirecTV without paying was to use an “emu”, or emulator, system. Using a computer connected to a satellite receiver by a simple PCB interface, the smartcard was emulated to allow all channels to be viewed. Because hackers hadn’t reverse engineered the HU card ASIC, they could only emulate the microcontroller functions while using a real HU card as an “AUX card”, sending data through the hardware ASIC. The emu software protected the original smartcards from ECMs. After each version of DirecTV (or later, Dish Network) smartcard was hacked, versions of emulator hacks were developed by pirates. SLE44 and Pitou were H card emulators, Kryptonite an HU emu. https://preview.redd.it/4mcu5vo37axc1.jpg?width=284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f5779dc53fe15b5fc7100e9c66c3b616164c4178 During the era of the pirate HU card, DirecTV may have had a hard time locking out the pirates with glitchers from programming their smartcards, but there was a lot of grief for the pirates in the form of frequent countermeasures shutting down the hacked cards temporarily. A technique used by the HU card against the pirates was “dynamic code”. Instead of key calculation being done entirely in the ROM and EEPROM firmware known to the hackers, short blocks of program code was sent down in real-time over the satellite. Dynamic code meant the pirate hackers had to chase a moving target. The code could be changed at any time, and different versions of dynamic code could be rotated in and out of service at any time. Sending program code over the satellite had been done before, but on the HU card the dynamic code went beyond what pirates had previously dealt with. Let the code run and risk the card being looped. Block unknown code and the card is shut down every few days. Another electronic countermeasure (ECM) used to target pirate H and HU cards was known as “hashing”. Regions of the smartcard’s memory would be used in the key calculation algorithm, so that the correct decryption keys depended on correct (not hacked) data in the card. The pirate hackers rose to the challenge, improving their hacks, adding “stealth” and “AI” features to their 3M code. The level of artificial intelligence implemented in these 4 MHz micros with a total 384 bytes of RAM and a KB or two of EEPROM space seems suspect, in retrospect. Unlike the H card with two chips (microcontroller and ASIC), the HU card only had one chip inside. The HU card had an ASIC on the same silicon die as a Texas Instruments TMS370 microcontroller. 384 bytes of RAM, 16 KB ROM, 8 KB EEPROM. https://preview.redd.it/m5pby1a87axc1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e4cb7cb084b5a5604e004c6432187753d6bc6f80 Another tactic used by DirecTV to shut down pirate cards was to more aggressively target smartcards that were inactive or had been deactivated in their system. The satellite receiver itself could be disabled, instead of relying on software inside the smartcard to disable itself. The pirates became familiar with the dreaded “Call Ext. 745” messages when their card ID# was disabled - blacklisted by DirecTV. Pirates cloned cards with different ID# or modded the satellite receiver software, and new hacks were developed to bypass the Ext745 shutdowns. One type of hack was a “no745 board” that acted as a wedge between the satellite receiver and smartcard. The no745 board exploited a bug in the receivers, allowing it to provide the receiver with a fake ID#, to avoid any blacklisting by DirecTV. Pirates continued to hack the HU card to watch DirecTV for free, though sometimes having to update their pirate card daily, until the HU smartcard was swapped out to a new “P4” card. The P4 card had increased the level of complexity again to be better protected against hackers. Support for the HU smartcards was disabled permanently by DirecTV in mid-2004. Since then, there has not been a pirate DirecTV hack on the market, or published online. The new P4 smartcards locked the pirates out. https://preview.redd.it/g2oiemxe7axc1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c9872b8a955e71e87b6688a55e24e218e7e66a11 Around that time, a lot of pirates had switched their focus to Dish Network (and Bell Expressvu in Canada), which had been hacked since 1999. That’s another topic with many different stories to be told. In September 2006 at 27 years old, the hacker behind the HU loader, the first pirate hack for the DirecTV HU smartcard, pled guilty to charges carrying up to 5 years in prison. At the time, he was already serving a 30 month prison sentence for hacking DirecTV Latin America. In the years since, he and the other hackers involved in DirecTV piracy in the 90s/early 2000s have completed their prison sentences, been released, and put satellite TV piracy in the past. Then we all had different cards and modules.... Here are some examples that many people probably recognize...' https://preview.redd.it/a1wziizx7axc1.jpg?width=680&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=10309493a65c92d523b18f49c62c673b8c2d9859 https://preview.redd.it/1pq6956n7axc1.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b874c1fc4b100a30064dda1d255013ccc5196594 https://preview.redd.it/2y580dep7axc1.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=677199c3d1a2c705abb79f4217062e5c1956e718 https://preview.redd.it/5sbfv7ar7axc1.jpg?width=1600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1ee313f5b5233e3ca0b417b51f785cfd4c667432 https://preview.redd.it/8fe623vs7axc1.jpg?width=925&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9c00f5e3488ec8bb6e4c67bc079fd477ab943bcc https://i.redd.it/56phv56u7axc1.gif A little history for those of you who weren't there at the time, when we had to do everything ourselves. Now we have IPTV which is very easy compared to the time before. Next entry, is an IPTV Guide. A jungle for most of them, even those who call themselves Resellers barely know what they are talking about when they advertise.. Most of them do NOT know what it is they have and write what they think, so BEWARE!! |
2024.04.28 22:27 TempoMortigi I am eight days post-op for open-heart mitral valve repair. AMA!
Note: I am very tired all the time being recently home from hospital, I will get to all questions, it just might not be right away!
This sub was so helpful to me leading up to surgery as I looked for how others experienced their own surgical journey. I want to give back and share as much as possible.
I was diagnosed with MVP 8 years ago, right around the age of 30 or so. It has definitely been there all my life as we knew I had a heart murmur, but it didn’t really rear its ahead until recently. I started becoming ever so slightly symptomatic and had noticeable PVCs, skipped beats, and palpitations. This was managed with a beta blocker. Looking back, I’ve never been much for cardio even tho I am slim and mostly in shape, I could just never break thru and really be a runner, the MVP is likely why.
My cardiologist diagnosed it as mild to moderate at the time. A few years ago, my echo showed I had moderate regurge. I was getting an echo every six months. I was told to always be on the lookout for flu like symptoms or shortness of breath, and to let them know if I experienced those symptoms. They had said it’s likely I would need surgery at some point, but my case was moderate and they wouldn’t advocate for surgery even if I was 60+ and stayed same as I was then. They also stated things could change quickly. I was told way back then that repair would be the ideal scenario, that it would provide a more durable long term outcome, I wouldn’t have to be on blood thinners or have the valve replaced again in 12-15 years. Because I was young, they really wanted to repair it. I was told that, ideally, we would wait some time as the repair procedures were becoming better and better with time and that you want someone to build you a house that has built hundreds of houses, not 3.
Back earlier this year I started noticing a touch of fatigue, brushed it off to not getting enough sleep and having a small child. I also noticed not necessarily shortness of breath, but that while laying down at night for bed I had to more intentionally draw in air. My palpitations grew more intense. My Kardia was showing possible aFib, but I was not in aFib. Either way, at this point, I was ready to see my doc. Fortunately, I had my 6 month echo already scheduled for the following week. Funny enough, I still hadn’t put together it was my valve, maybe it was denial on my part. So after the echo when the cardiologist and her fellow came and told me I had a detached chordae and regrurge had become severe, I was quite surprised. My cardiologist said I would likely need surgery in the near future, but she wasn’t greatly concerned it be an asap thing.
Either way, I scheduled consult with Chief of Cardiac Surgery at same hospital, Dr. Gabriel Aldea. I can’t say enough this man, go look up his bio. 20,000 heart surgeries and 5,000 valve surgeries. He stated that in the latter part of his career, he has focused on valve repair. I am so thankful I had access to him as my surgeon, and UW Medical Center Heart Institute in general. Can’t say enough about the care I received.
So, after my wife and I met with the doctor and he walked me thru what he would do, I decided to schedule surgery. He had a 6-8 week wait list. He said he wouldn’t wait any later May, but didn’t feel it was an asap thing. Due to some logistics, personal considerations, my own calendar, etc., we scheduled for mid April. My original date was the 18th but I was pushed to 19th to accommodate a high priority heart transplant.
I am glad we didn’t wait any longer, because by the time surgery rolled around, I was pretty winded even taking the trash cans to curb, very tired all the time.
My pre-op arrival time was 5:15am. They said I’d be wheeled to OR around 7:30am and total surgery time of 3-4 hours. Turns out it was only 2 hours because this surgeon is so on point. The valve was in worse shape than we thought, as there were two detached chordae that needed to be replaced. Both leaflets were flappy and lose and needed to be trimmed, there was fissuring of the cartilage that needed to be sewed up, and he placed a ring around base of valve to keep it taught. My post-surgery echo showed only trace leakage, so I went from severe to trace. Doc said he couldn’t be happier with the results. He had said in pre-surgical meeting that he was about 90 to 95% sure he could repair it how he wanted, and he sure did.
Regarding open-heart rather than minimally invasive… He advocated for open-heart from the start, as he wanted to see the valve in front of him and use his own hands to repair it and make sure nothing was missed. He was confident I would recover well from the incision as I am relatively young. You’re also on bypass machine longer with minimally invasive, and they’re pushing thru muscle that they otherwise wouldn’t be when cutting the sternum that has very few nerves. That all sounded fine to me.
I did go into aFib day after surgery for a chunk of the day, which isn’t unexpected. Either than that, I have been in normal rhythm with zero palpitations and skipped beats or PVCs, it’s really an amazing feeling. When I listened to my own heart before surgery, you could hear the whooshing of the regurge loud and clear, you can’t hear it at all now.
I was in the ICU three days, hospital for 5. They said it would probably be 6 or 7 days, but I am young and healthy and did well. Plus my parents are retired medical professionals and would be with me listening to my heart and lungs once I got home so I think that helped.
Again, first few days were rough, but day 4 it was incredible how much better I felt. They got me out of bed sitting in a chair on day two, one short walk of maybe 70’. Day three I took two longer walks down the hall, both with a nurse on either side of me and walking with an assistance walker on wheels. I am walking almost a half mile now, albeit very slow. They said if you have the energy, go walk two miles as long as you’re not pushing yourself. Again, this will vary in terms of age and health.
Things I found helpful after hospital: - Wedge pillow - Shower chair - Oversized t shirts at least two sizes larger than normal to easily get on and off. - Heating pad to lay back on. When they open your chest and spread you apart, your ribs push back into your back and you’re pretty sore.
Don’t push it when you get home. Continue to rest. Be careful standing up, you’ll likely get lightheaded easily. Make sure you have lots of help at first.
I weighed the most I’ve ever weighed in my life after surgery, I was holding maybe 20 pounds of water weight, though I am back to pre-surgical weight after taking the drugs that make you pee what felt like non-stop (which was unpleasant and annoying, but necessary).
They advocated for high protein diet, much higher than daily recommended value. They suggested protein shakes or protein powder to get that extra boost as the heart muscle heals. They recommended fiber gummies to make sure am getting enough fiber. Generally I eat healthy so not worried about that. They said fish and chicken and meats, nuts and beans, lots of green vegetables, etc. To eat a healthy balanced diet, makes sense.
I am tired still, but better every day. USE YOUR SPIROMETER, a lot! My pain 8 days out is mostly handled by Tylenol and muscle relaxers - which they said don’t shy away from, you need your muscles to relax and that will take awhile. I was told at 4-6 weeks my incision may feel 60-70% better, 80-85% at 8 weeks, and by 12 weeks, should be feeling pretty back to normal. They did say I may experience some pain and discomfort here and there for up to 6-8 months. I will start cardiac rehab at 6 weeks, for now they said get out for a couple short walks every day and increase your distance as works for you. There are plenty of restrictions on movement, but I’ll leave that to your care team to go over.
I’m trying to think of anything else that would be helpful, but please don’t hesitate to ask away. I didn’t go into detail here on first few days after surgery in terms of pain and comfort level, as I don’t want to freak anyone out. It’s hard, but you get thru it quick!
Cheers!
Edit: I’d say something I wasn’t expecting that has been mostly an annoyance, is my temperature regulation is all out of whack. I’m never cold, and I have been since coming home, and I’ve woken up every night at least once drenched sweat and it definitely is not hot in my bedroom.
I did have three ocular migraines the day after surgery, vomited once. 3rd day I only one migraine and haven’t had one since, thankfully.
submitted by TempoMortigi to mitralvalveprolapse [link] [comments]
This sub was so helpful to me leading up to surgery as I looked for how others experienced their own surgical journey. I want to give back and share as much as possible.
I was diagnosed with MVP 8 years ago, right around the age of 30 or so. It has definitely been there all my life as we knew I had a heart murmur, but it didn’t really rear its ahead until recently. I started becoming ever so slightly symptomatic and had noticeable PVCs, skipped beats, and palpitations. This was managed with a beta blocker. Looking back, I’ve never been much for cardio even tho I am slim and mostly in shape, I could just never break thru and really be a runner, the MVP is likely why.
My cardiologist diagnosed it as mild to moderate at the time. A few years ago, my echo showed I had moderate regurge. I was getting an echo every six months. I was told to always be on the lookout for flu like symptoms or shortness of breath, and to let them know if I experienced those symptoms. They had said it’s likely I would need surgery at some point, but my case was moderate and they wouldn’t advocate for surgery even if I was 60+ and stayed same as I was then. They also stated things could change quickly. I was told way back then that repair would be the ideal scenario, that it would provide a more durable long term outcome, I wouldn’t have to be on blood thinners or have the valve replaced again in 12-15 years. Because I was young, they really wanted to repair it. I was told that, ideally, we would wait some time as the repair procedures were becoming better and better with time and that you want someone to build you a house that has built hundreds of houses, not 3.
Back earlier this year I started noticing a touch of fatigue, brushed it off to not getting enough sleep and having a small child. I also noticed not necessarily shortness of breath, but that while laying down at night for bed I had to more intentionally draw in air. My palpitations grew more intense. My Kardia was showing possible aFib, but I was not in aFib. Either way, at this point, I was ready to see my doc. Fortunately, I had my 6 month echo already scheduled for the following week. Funny enough, I still hadn’t put together it was my valve, maybe it was denial on my part. So after the echo when the cardiologist and her fellow came and told me I had a detached chordae and regrurge had become severe, I was quite surprised. My cardiologist said I would likely need surgery in the near future, but she wasn’t greatly concerned it be an asap thing.
Either way, I scheduled consult with Chief of Cardiac Surgery at same hospital, Dr. Gabriel Aldea. I can’t say enough this man, go look up his bio. 20,000 heart surgeries and 5,000 valve surgeries. He stated that in the latter part of his career, he has focused on valve repair. I am so thankful I had access to him as my surgeon, and UW Medical Center Heart Institute in general. Can’t say enough about the care I received.
So, after my wife and I met with the doctor and he walked me thru what he would do, I decided to schedule surgery. He had a 6-8 week wait list. He said he wouldn’t wait any later May, but didn’t feel it was an asap thing. Due to some logistics, personal considerations, my own calendar, etc., we scheduled for mid April. My original date was the 18th but I was pushed to 19th to accommodate a high priority heart transplant.
I am glad we didn’t wait any longer, because by the time surgery rolled around, I was pretty winded even taking the trash cans to curb, very tired all the time.
My pre-op arrival time was 5:15am. They said I’d be wheeled to OR around 7:30am and total surgery time of 3-4 hours. Turns out it was only 2 hours because this surgeon is so on point. The valve was in worse shape than we thought, as there were two detached chordae that needed to be replaced. Both leaflets were flappy and lose and needed to be trimmed, there was fissuring of the cartilage that needed to be sewed up, and he placed a ring around base of valve to keep it taught. My post-surgery echo showed only trace leakage, so I went from severe to trace. Doc said he couldn’t be happier with the results. He had said in pre-surgical meeting that he was about 90 to 95% sure he could repair it how he wanted, and he sure did.
Regarding open-heart rather than minimally invasive… He advocated for open-heart from the start, as he wanted to see the valve in front of him and use his own hands to repair it and make sure nothing was missed. He was confident I would recover well from the incision as I am relatively young. You’re also on bypass machine longer with minimally invasive, and they’re pushing thru muscle that they otherwise wouldn’t be when cutting the sternum that has very few nerves. That all sounded fine to me.
I did go into aFib day after surgery for a chunk of the day, which isn’t unexpected. Either than that, I have been in normal rhythm with zero palpitations and skipped beats or PVCs, it’s really an amazing feeling. When I listened to my own heart before surgery, you could hear the whooshing of the regurge loud and clear, you can’t hear it at all now.
I was in the ICU three days, hospital for 5. They said it would probably be 6 or 7 days, but I am young and healthy and did well. Plus my parents are retired medical professionals and would be with me listening to my heart and lungs once I got home so I think that helped.
Again, first few days were rough, but day 4 it was incredible how much better I felt. They got me out of bed sitting in a chair on day two, one short walk of maybe 70’. Day three I took two longer walks down the hall, both with a nurse on either side of me and walking with an assistance walker on wheels. I am walking almost a half mile now, albeit very slow. They said if you have the energy, go walk two miles as long as you’re not pushing yourself. Again, this will vary in terms of age and health.
Things I found helpful after hospital: - Wedge pillow - Shower chair - Oversized t shirts at least two sizes larger than normal to easily get on and off. - Heating pad to lay back on. When they open your chest and spread you apart, your ribs push back into your back and you’re pretty sore.
Don’t push it when you get home. Continue to rest. Be careful standing up, you’ll likely get lightheaded easily. Make sure you have lots of help at first.
I weighed the most I’ve ever weighed in my life after surgery, I was holding maybe 20 pounds of water weight, though I am back to pre-surgical weight after taking the drugs that make you pee what felt like non-stop (which was unpleasant and annoying, but necessary).
They advocated for high protein diet, much higher than daily recommended value. They suggested protein shakes or protein powder to get that extra boost as the heart muscle heals. They recommended fiber gummies to make sure am getting enough fiber. Generally I eat healthy so not worried about that. They said fish and chicken and meats, nuts and beans, lots of green vegetables, etc. To eat a healthy balanced diet, makes sense.
I am tired still, but better every day. USE YOUR SPIROMETER, a lot! My pain 8 days out is mostly handled by Tylenol and muscle relaxers - which they said don’t shy away from, you need your muscles to relax and that will take awhile. I was told at 4-6 weeks my incision may feel 60-70% better, 80-85% at 8 weeks, and by 12 weeks, should be feeling pretty back to normal. They did say I may experience some pain and discomfort here and there for up to 6-8 months. I will start cardiac rehab at 6 weeks, for now they said get out for a couple short walks every day and increase your distance as works for you. There are plenty of restrictions on movement, but I’ll leave that to your care team to go over.
I’m trying to think of anything else that would be helpful, but please don’t hesitate to ask away. I didn’t go into detail here on first few days after surgery in terms of pain and comfort level, as I don’t want to freak anyone out. It’s hard, but you get thru it quick!
Cheers!
Edit: I’d say something I wasn’t expecting that has been mostly an annoyance, is my temperature regulation is all out of whack. I’m never cold, and I have been since coming home, and I’ve woken up every night at least once drenched sweat and it definitely is not hot in my bedroom.
I did have three ocular migraines the day after surgery, vomited once. 3rd day I only one migraine and haven’t had one since, thankfully.
2024.04.28 21:47 Aggravating-Wrap-266 Dreams do come true (TLDR)
In August, I made a significant decision to step away from my decent-paying job. Reflecting on my preparation journey, I came to the realization that balancing work and preparation wasn't conducive to excelling for me (taking a break wasn't feasible either).Living on my own, I dedicated myself fully to preparation. I took more than 40 mock exams, gaining confidence as I consistently scored 98% or higher in the final phase of preparation.
On the big day, I tackled 19 questions in VARC, 10 in DILR, and 13 in QA. The post-exam analysis on Telegram filled me with confidence; I was sure I had performed well and would achieve a good score and percentile. However, the wait for the response sheet was nerve-wracking. Amidst this, I also wrote SNAP, which I felt went smoothly.
As I headed to write NMAT, the response sheet for the previous exam was released, and to my dismay, I had only scored 4 marks in VARC.
CAT OA 95.35 VARC 34.xx DILR 99.xx QA 99.xx
I felt shattered and cried in the rickshaw after seeing my score. I wrote NMAT with tears in my eyes, haunted by the results. Coming back to an empty home, I cried all day. My parents were supportive but disappointed. It felt like everything was over, and everyone was asking about my scores, which added to the stress.
No one believed in me except for my partner, who never lets me doubt myself. Never. He believed in me even when I stopped believing in myself. He made me pull myself up and focus on XAT.
I had no zeal left, all I did was past year papers and some YouTube videos for DM.
Despite giving my best effort, my XAT score fell short, landing at a disappointing ~29 marks. Realizing this, I understood that my chances for a top-tier college were slim, and I might have to settle for a tier 2 or 3 institution.
When the XAT results were released, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had scored 96.6, clearing all sectionals for both programs. This unexpected success brought a ray of hope into my journey.
Filled with renewed determination, my partner and I stayed up until 4 in the morning crafting my SOP
I went to my partner's place to prepare for my interviews because I knew I'm lagging somewhere. I wasn't being able to impress the panelists.
My partner( who is from a tier 1 B-School himself) gave it his all. Made me prepare HR questions,and everything under the sun,took mock interviews. Grilled my ass in them. Discussed my interview performances. Gave a structure to my PI preparation. He saw in me what nobody else did. My friend, guide and mentor. I'll always be grateful for what he did for me.
8th of March: XLRI BM interview. To calm my nerves, I went to the hotel, had adrak wali chai, and took a moment for myself.
During the group discussion (GD), I spoke second, making four solid entries with industry examples and quotes. It boosted my confidence for the Personal Interview (PI). When it was my turn for the PI, I entered with a calm and confident demeanor, framing my answers thoughtfully. The interview went exceptionally well, leaving me with a feeling of certainty that I would secure a spot, at least in the Delhi campus.
Afterward, I met with my partner at Cyber Hub for lunch. Sharing my experience with him, he expressed confidence in my success, even more than I did. His unwavering belief was a constant source of motivation.
16th of March: XLRI HRM interview. During the group discussion (GD), I spoke fourth and made four entries, but it didn't go as well as I had hoped.
When it was my turn for the Personal Interview (PI), I wasn't feeling confident. Unfortunately, I bombed the interview and was on the verge of tears.
Returning from the interview, I shared my disappointment with my partner, who obviously consoled me.
As time went by, I received admission offers from IMT Ghaziabad (marketing) and IMI Delhi core programs and XIMB. I convinced myself that IMT was a good option, being closer to home and all.
However, deep down, I still hoped for a positive outcome from XLRI. The prolonged delay in results only heightened my anxiety. My percentile was not as high as I had hoped, and I kept questioning my interview performance.
Doubts crept in as I analyzed and reanalyzed my answers, unsure of what the final decision would be.
To distract myself from the constant scrolling and waiting, I decided to go on a small trip with my friends. While sipping on banta at a roadside stall, a message popped up on Telegram announcing that XLRI results were out. With trembling hands, I checked my email, and there it was - WL 100, a waitlist position. But it didn't matter; I had made it to XLRI Jamshedpur.
The mix of emotions overwhelmed me, and I couldn't contain my joy. I called my boyfriend and tears of relief and happiness flowed freely. Rechecking the mail thread confirmed my acceptance into the BM program in Delhi.
BM delhi - converted BM JSR - WL 100 HRM - WL 64
Could not believe my eyes. I did it. After everything. After every pang of self doubt, after every failure, all the anxiety attacks. I did it.
The cream of the crop, XLRI Jamshedpur, awaits me.
I was happy, but there was one more person who was happier :)
I owe it to that man. ❤️
submitted by Aggravating-Wrap-266 to CATpreparation [link] [comments]
On the big day, I tackled 19 questions in VARC, 10 in DILR, and 13 in QA. The post-exam analysis on Telegram filled me with confidence; I was sure I had performed well and would achieve a good score and percentile. However, the wait for the response sheet was nerve-wracking. Amidst this, I also wrote SNAP, which I felt went smoothly.
As I headed to write NMAT, the response sheet for the previous exam was released, and to my dismay, I had only scored 4 marks in VARC.
CAT OA 95.35 VARC 34.xx DILR 99.xx QA 99.xx
I felt shattered and cried in the rickshaw after seeing my score. I wrote NMAT with tears in my eyes, haunted by the results. Coming back to an empty home, I cried all day. My parents were supportive but disappointed. It felt like everything was over, and everyone was asking about my scores, which added to the stress.
No one believed in me except for my partner, who never lets me doubt myself. Never. He believed in me even when I stopped believing in myself. He made me pull myself up and focus on XAT.
I had no zeal left, all I did was past year papers and some YouTube videos for DM.
Despite giving my best effort, my XAT score fell short, landing at a disappointing ~29 marks. Realizing this, I understood that my chances for a top-tier college were slim, and I might have to settle for a tier 2 or 3 institution.
When the XAT results were released, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had scored 96.6, clearing all sectionals for both programs. This unexpected success brought a ray of hope into my journey.
Filled with renewed determination, my partner and I stayed up until 4 in the morning crafting my SOP
I went to my partner's place to prepare for my interviews because I knew I'm lagging somewhere. I wasn't being able to impress the panelists.
My partner( who is from a tier 1 B-School himself) gave it his all. Made me prepare HR questions,and everything under the sun,took mock interviews. Grilled my ass in them. Discussed my interview performances. Gave a structure to my PI preparation. He saw in me what nobody else did. My friend, guide and mentor. I'll always be grateful for what he did for me.
8th of March: XLRI BM interview. To calm my nerves, I went to the hotel, had adrak wali chai, and took a moment for myself.
During the group discussion (GD), I spoke second, making four solid entries with industry examples and quotes. It boosted my confidence for the Personal Interview (PI). When it was my turn for the PI, I entered with a calm and confident demeanor, framing my answers thoughtfully. The interview went exceptionally well, leaving me with a feeling of certainty that I would secure a spot, at least in the Delhi campus.
Afterward, I met with my partner at Cyber Hub for lunch. Sharing my experience with him, he expressed confidence in my success, even more than I did. His unwavering belief was a constant source of motivation.
16th of March: XLRI HRM interview. During the group discussion (GD), I spoke fourth and made four entries, but it didn't go as well as I had hoped.
When it was my turn for the Personal Interview (PI), I wasn't feeling confident. Unfortunately, I bombed the interview and was on the verge of tears.
Returning from the interview, I shared my disappointment with my partner, who obviously consoled me.
As time went by, I received admission offers from IMT Ghaziabad (marketing) and IMI Delhi core programs and XIMB. I convinced myself that IMT was a good option, being closer to home and all.
However, deep down, I still hoped for a positive outcome from XLRI. The prolonged delay in results only heightened my anxiety. My percentile was not as high as I had hoped, and I kept questioning my interview performance.
Doubts crept in as I analyzed and reanalyzed my answers, unsure of what the final decision would be.
To distract myself from the constant scrolling and waiting, I decided to go on a small trip with my friends. While sipping on banta at a roadside stall, a message popped up on Telegram announcing that XLRI results were out. With trembling hands, I checked my email, and there it was - WL 100, a waitlist position. But it didn't matter; I had made it to XLRI Jamshedpur.
The mix of emotions overwhelmed me, and I couldn't contain my joy. I called my boyfriend and tears of relief and happiness flowed freely. Rechecking the mail thread confirmed my acceptance into the BM program in Delhi.
BM delhi - converted BM JSR - WL 100 HRM - WL 64
Could not believe my eyes. I did it. After everything. After every pang of self doubt, after every failure, all the anxiety attacks. I did it.
The cream of the crop, XLRI Jamshedpur, awaits me.
I was happy, but there was one more person who was happier :)
I owe it to that man. ❤️
2024.04.28 21:21 Able-Personality-192 21 [M4A] #Washington D.C. - Free Summer Haircuts
I’ve recently taken up cutting hair as a hobby and want to get more practice. I’m offering trims and cuts up to as short as chin length. I’m not experienced with anything fancy like pixie cuts or shorter hairstyles. However, I can do basic undercuts with minimal designs.
Q: What if I hate it?
A: If you aren’t satisfied with the results, I’ll cover the costs of an appointment at the salon of your choice.
Q: Isn’t meeting strangers dangerous?
A: I understand meeting a stranger raises some safety concerns. I am located on GWU campus for the summer in a summer housing studio. If you’d feel more comfortable, I am more than happy to leave the door open during your appointment. I am also open to any questions or concerns you may have.
submitted by Able-Personality-192 to r4r [link] [comments]
Q: What if I hate it?
A: If you aren’t satisfied with the results, I’ll cover the costs of an appointment at the salon of your choice.
Q: Isn’t meeting strangers dangerous?
A: I understand meeting a stranger raises some safety concerns. I am located on GWU campus for the summer in a summer housing studio. If you’d feel more comfortable, I am more than happy to leave the door open during your appointment. I am also open to any questions or concerns you may have.
2024.04.28 20:25 OlsroFR Jailbroken iOS 6 can still play 1080p/h264 MKV files using hardware acceleration
Hey !
Just wanna share some thoughts and success. I own an iPad 4 that is coolbooted on iOS 6.1.3.
Starting iOS 8, apps from the app store can use the "VideoToolkit" APIs which allows for hardware acceleration. If you want to use your iPad 4 on iOS 10 or iOS 8, there's many many options that will work pretty much the same and will use hardware acceleration "out of the box".
The problem is : I wanna use everything with this iPad only on iOS 6, because nostalgia (and because iOS 6 is so fast), and because I am curious to use it just like it was in 2012 and see what is was capable of. I untethered coolbooter, so my iPad starts on iOS 6. I was also curious to see how good those devices could play high quality 1080p h264 videos, as Apple advertised them as perfectly capable of playing those video streams back in the day.
First and foremost, we need to speak about encoding. It's crucial to know precisely the files you are going to put on that old device. There's limitations. I use handbrake and an M1 mac to convert videos in an optimised format. Don't expect that iPad to play in good conditions almost anything you will randomly "find" on the Internet. Also don't expect your iOS 6 device to play HEVC/AV1 video content, it will be damn slow excepted in very low resolution/bitrate maybe.
I tried multiple ways to get the best possible experience for video playback, and the solution is Kodi !
But not that Kodi 17, an even older version ! Kodi 16 is the last one that seemed to be able to take profit of the "jailbroken" access of VideoToolkit. iOS 6 and iOS 7 were very particular as Apple did not want app makers to use the hardware acceleration to decode videos. No "real" apps could take advantages of it, but Kodi found a bypass to use it anyway, but that bypass requires jailbreak and some kind of low-level tinkering that seems to be broken starting Kodi 17. Here is the file you need to sideload : org.xbmc.kodi-ios_16.1-0_iphoneos-arm.deb then you need to install it using iFile. By enabling debug settings, you will see that it will play your 1080p/30 FPS file by using now only around 30% of CPU. It seems really reliable, it can understand MKV containers and it does not look like it is skipping any frames. You can even customize many things like the contrast etc which you cannot do using the stock OS video player.
TL;dr : If you are on iOS 8+, use Kodi 17 or any "serious" video playing app from the AppStore (Infuse or VLC). If you are on iOS 6, Kodi 16 is the best option.
To conclude, playing content with great quality (and especially on iOS 5/6/7) with an old iPad is difficult nowadays : it requires knowledge on many levels (excepted if you buy movies or series directly from iTunes I guess) : you need to know precisely your files and to have some hardware to encode them (which takes around 20 minutes for each movie), then you need to connect your iPad (over USB or Wi-Fi) to transfer those files in order to play them with Kodi. Also, you need to find all of your content DRM-free by your own means which is also a problem if Netflix is your primary source of entertainment. Netflix is completely dead on the iPad 4, you cannot log-in using the official app even on iOS 10 and even when it was possible some years ago the content was at DVD quality (480p). What's frustrating with how Internet is evolving fast is how perfectly capables devices become perceived as useless just because they cannot connect to X popular service anymore which has X amount of proprietary DRMs to give (mostly an illusion of) control for rights holders.
But if you know what you do, and only by using free and open source softwares and jailbreak, even on its original firmware (iOS 6), 1080p/30 is possible and with really good quality and all outside the proprietary iTunes ecosystem. It is looking really good with those settings. The screen on this retina iPad is also far from obsolete. Yes, mini-led and OLED is superior in terms of rendering of blacks, but that LCD screen on that iPad has vibrant colours and can go really bright.
Bonus :
Here is the full list of video players I did try without great success or that are suffering big compromises on iOS 6 (so you will not waste time by trying those by yourself) :
Think about it, those iPads can be found in good shape for really cheap on some countries (around 50 dollars) with 32 or 64GB of storage and will still delivers (with that extra work) a much more pleasant experience (at least for videos playback) than any no-name random shit from Amazon. It can be good for childrens, or just to use it yourself to watch some movies on your bed. Those very old iOS devices are also good for mobile retro-gaming, there's so many real offline games without ads and bullshit. Yeah there's no Genshin impact and things like that and social games... just good offline games from a great time of mobile gaming. Those iPads are still also perfectly capable of reading PDFs or Ebooks which can also be a great usage to still enjoy its gorgeous screen and avoid e-waste. Also, in my opinion and by looking on the technical specs of some older devices, any slightly older device with an A5-chip (iPod Touch 5G, iPad 2/iPad 3/iPad Mini 1G/iPhone 4S) should also be able to hardware-decode 1080p/30FPS using the same settings and the same version of Kodi on iOS 6 (or even iOS 5 !) without issues, but I do not have the hardware to test.
iOS 8 thoughts : After messing things for fun on iOS 6, I went back to iOS 8. At this moment, I just tried using the latest Legacy Kodi that is available on bigboss repo : Kodi 17. On iOS 8 it's really great, it seems very fast and reliable, even more compared to how Kodi 16 performs on iOS 6 (which was an acceptable experience). Kodi 17 is noticeably faster especially when you are on forward/rewind mode. So if you wanna use the best of what your hardware is capable of, iOS 8 is the minimum version you will want to use. I am too lazy to try a very old version of Infuse for iOS 8 that will probably work fine with hardware acceleration but transfering files through the syncing window in the Finder is boring and limited and Kodi is full featured and also open source. Kodi 17 is also probably a better polished experience than Infuse since it was maintainted until 2020 which is just a few years back. Now I use Apple File Conduit 2 from Cydia that can be exploited by iExplorer or iFunBox on the Mac to move videos files directly to the file system. I removed Coolbooter at this moment to reclaim some precious gigs of storage.
About A4 devices (iPod Touch 4G/iPad 1/iPhone 4) :
You can follow the same guide but you will also need to tweak Handbrake to convert at 720p maximum and to lower the bitrate and the level (3.1 maximum). It should work just fine as long as you respect roughly that technical specifications but I do not have the hardware to test. That 720p quality should be fine for random animes, but there's less fun doing that kind of tinkering in my opinion since you will really see visually a huge regression compared to what you want to expect from "modern" tech noawadays. The A4 iPad 1G is not even with a retina display, which fact makes everything looking much worse and aged by itself.
submitted by OlsroFR to LegacyJailbreak [link] [comments]
Just wanna share some thoughts and success. I own an iPad 4 that is coolbooted on iOS 6.1.3.
Starting iOS 8, apps from the app store can use the "VideoToolkit" APIs which allows for hardware acceleration. If you want to use your iPad 4 on iOS 10 or iOS 8, there's many many options that will work pretty much the same and will use hardware acceleration "out of the box".
The problem is : I wanna use everything with this iPad only on iOS 6, because nostalgia (and because iOS 6 is so fast), and because I am curious to use it just like it was in 2012 and see what is was capable of. I untethered coolbooter, so my iPad starts on iOS 6. I was also curious to see how good those devices could play high quality 1080p h264 videos, as Apple advertised them as perfectly capable of playing those video streams back in the day.
First and foremost, we need to speak about encoding. It's crucial to know precisely the files you are going to put on that old device. There's limitations. I use handbrake and an M1 mac to convert videos in an optimised format. Don't expect that iPad to play in good conditions almost anything you will randomly "find" on the Internet. Also don't expect your iOS 6 device to play HEVC/AV1 video content, it will be damn slow excepted in very low resolution/bitrate maybe.
I tried multiple ways to get the best possible experience for video playback, and the solution is Kodi !
But not that Kodi 17, an even older version ! Kodi 16 is the last one that seemed to be able to take profit of the "jailbroken" access of VideoToolkit. iOS 6 and iOS 7 were very particular as Apple did not want app makers to use the hardware acceleration to decode videos. No "real" apps could take advantages of it, but Kodi found a bypass to use it anyway, but that bypass requires jailbreak and some kind of low-level tinkering that seems to be broken starting Kodi 17. Here is the file you need to sideload : org.xbmc.kodi-ios_16.1-0_iphoneos-arm.deb then you need to install it using iFile. By enabling debug settings, you will see that it will play your 1080p/30 FPS file by using now only around 30% of CPU. It seems really reliable, it can understand MKV containers and it does not look like it is skipping any frames. You can even customize many things like the contrast etc which you cannot do using the stock OS video player.
TL;dr : If you are on iOS 8+, use Kodi 17 or any "serious" video playing app from the AppStore (Infuse or VLC). If you are on iOS 6, Kodi 16 is the best option.
To conclude, playing content with great quality (and especially on iOS 5/6/7) with an old iPad is difficult nowadays : it requires knowledge on many levels (excepted if you buy movies or series directly from iTunes I guess) : you need to know precisely your files and to have some hardware to encode them (which takes around 20 minutes for each movie), then you need to connect your iPad (over USB or Wi-Fi) to transfer those files in order to play them with Kodi. Also, you need to find all of your content DRM-free by your own means which is also a problem if Netflix is your primary source of entertainment. Netflix is completely dead on the iPad 4, you cannot log-in using the official app even on iOS 10 and even when it was possible some years ago the content was at DVD quality (480p). What's frustrating with how Internet is evolving fast is how perfectly capables devices become perceived as useless just because they cannot connect to X popular service anymore which has X amount of proprietary DRMs to give (mostly an illusion of) control for rights holders.
But if you know what you do, and only by using free and open source softwares and jailbreak, even on its original firmware (iOS 6), 1080p/30 is possible and with really good quality and all outside the proprietary iTunes ecosystem. It is looking really good with those settings. The screen on this retina iPad is also far from obsolete. Yes, mini-led and OLED is superior in terms of rendering of blacks, but that LCD screen on that iPad has vibrant colours and can go really bright.
Bonus :
- I transfer my video files directly using the Finder. I transfer my video files to the Infuse 1.5 then I created a shortcut from Kodi to use my Documents folder of Infuse. So, anything I will transfer to my iPad will be accessible by Infuse 1.5 (which is sandboxed) AND by Kodi at the same time. Infuse also gives me the ability to transfer video files over wifi but it will be slower than USB2. With USB2, you can transfer a video file at around 30 MegaBytes/second while on the wifi network it will be around 6 MegaBytes/second so it's better to connect the iPad to the PC to do the transfers.
- I will post some pictures of the playback of some videos if you wanna see how good that 2012 beast is running :)
Here is the full list of video players I did try without great success or that are suffering big compromises on iOS 6 (so you will not waste time by trying those by yourself) :
- Infuse version 1.5 : Well, it basically work. If you put SD content (480p), it will be OK but keep in mind that this version on iOS 6 will not use hardware decoding on anything. The 1080p content with below params will skip rarely some frames. It's not a bad experience but it will ruin your battery life for sure.
- AcePlayer version 3.9 : This one is a clever one, it will pass your files directly to the QuickTime Apple player (which is hardware accelerated) if they are compatible (mp4 or mov). If you modify slightly my handbrake params to export as an mp4 container, it will work. But native iOS 6 player feels very limited (there is no real way to fastly come back to a short distance like 15 seconds without moving the slider and be really imprecise) and the mp4 container has a big problem : you cannot put multiple subtitles tracks on it.
- Kodi : I tried the latest legacy version which is Kodi 17. Well it's working, it can play directly any video content and can even connect to many protocols to get files from. But you will see by looking at details that it is playing the files (even on mp4 containers) without any hardware acceleration ! If you check the details, you will see that your CPU will be around 130% all the time. Playback will look just like on Infuse 1.5 : I can't see many dropped frames. But your battery will suffer. A lot.
Think about it, those iPads can be found in good shape for really cheap on some countries (around 50 dollars) with 32 or 64GB of storage and will still delivers (with that extra work) a much more pleasant experience (at least for videos playback) than any no-name random shit from Amazon. It can be good for childrens, or just to use it yourself to watch some movies on your bed. Those very old iOS devices are also good for mobile retro-gaming, there's so many real offline games without ads and bullshit. Yeah there's no Genshin impact and things like that and social games... just good offline games from a great time of mobile gaming. Those iPads are still also perfectly capable of reading PDFs or Ebooks which can also be a great usage to still enjoy its gorgeous screen and avoid e-waste. Also, in my opinion and by looking on the technical specs of some older devices, any slightly older device with an A5-chip (iPod Touch 5G, iPad 2/iPad 3/iPad Mini 1G/iPhone 4S) should also be able to hardware-decode 1080p/30FPS using the same settings and the same version of Kodi on iOS 6 (or even iOS 5 !) without issues, but I do not have the hardware to test.
iOS 8 thoughts : After messing things for fun on iOS 6, I went back to iOS 8. At this moment, I just tried using the latest Legacy Kodi that is available on bigboss repo : Kodi 17. On iOS 8 it's really great, it seems very fast and reliable, even more compared to how Kodi 16 performs on iOS 6 (which was an acceptable experience). Kodi 17 is noticeably faster especially when you are on forward/rewind mode. So if you wanna use the best of what your hardware is capable of, iOS 8 is the minimum version you will want to use. I am too lazy to try a very old version of Infuse for iOS 8 that will probably work fine with hardware acceleration but transfering files through the syncing window in the Finder is boring and limited and Kodi is full featured and also open source. Kodi 17 is also probably a better polished experience than Infuse since it was maintainted until 2020 which is just a few years back. Now I use Apple File Conduit 2 from Cydia that can be exploited by iExplorer or iFunBox on the Mac to move videos files directly to the file system. I removed Coolbooter at this moment to reclaim some precious gigs of storage.
About A4 devices (iPod Touch 4G/iPad 1/iPhone 4) :
You can follow the same guide but you will also need to tweak Handbrake to convert at 720p maximum and to lower the bitrate and the level (3.1 maximum). It should work just fine as long as you respect roughly that technical specifications but I do not have the hardware to test. That 720p quality should be fine for random animes, but there's less fun doing that kind of tinkering in my opinion since you will really see visually a huge regression compared to what you want to expect from "modern" tech noawadays. The A4 iPad 1G is not even with a retina display, which fact makes everything looking much worse and aged by itself.
{ "PresetList" : [ { "AlignAVStart" : false, "AudioCopyMask" : [ "copy:aac" ], "AudioEncoderFallback" : "ca_aac", "AudioLanguageList" : [ ], "AudioList" : [ { "AudioBitrate" : 160, "AudioEncoder" : "ca_aac", "AudioMixdown" : "stereo", "AudioSamplerate" : "auto", "AudioTrackDRCSlider" : 0, "AudioTrackGainSlider" : 0 } ], "AudioSecondaryEncoderMode" : false, "AudioTrackSelectionBehavior" : "all", "ChapterMarkers" : true, "ChildrenArray" : [ ], "Default" : false, "FileFormat" : "av_mkv", "Folder" : false, "FolderOpen" : false, "InlineParameterSets" : false, "MetadataPassthrough" : true, "Mp4iPodCompatible" : false, "Optimize" : false, "PictureAllowUpscaling" : false, "PictureAutoCrop" : true, "PictureBottomCrop" : 22, "PictureChromaSmoothCustom" : "", "PictureChromaSmoothPreset" : "off", "PictureChromaSmoothTune" : "none", "PictureColorspaceCustom" : "", "PictureColorspacePreset" : "off", "PictureCombDetectCustom" : "", "PictureCombDetectPreset" : "default", "PictureCropMode" : 0, "PictureDARWidth" : 1920, "PictureDeblockCustom" : "strength=strong:thresh=20:blocksize=8", "PictureDeblockPreset" : "off", "PictureDeblockTune" : "medium", "PictureDeinterlaceCustom" : "", "PictureDeinterlaceFilter" : "decomb", "PictureDeinterlacePreset" : "default", "PictureDenoiseCustom" : "", "PictureDenoiseFilter" : "off", "PictureDenoisePreset" : "light", "PictureDenoiseTune" : "none", "PictureDetelecine" : "off", "PictureDetelecineCustom" : "", "PictureForceHeight" : 0, "PictureForceWidth" : 0, "PictureHeight" : 1080, "PictureItuPAR" : false, "PictureKeepRatio" : true, "PictureLeftCrop" : 0, "PictureModulus" : 2, "PicturePadBottom" : 0, "PicturePadColor" : "black", "PicturePadLeft" : 0, "PicturePadMode" : "none", "PicturePadRight" : 0, "PicturePadTop" : 0, "PicturePAR" : "auto", "PicturePARHeight" : 1, "PicturePARWidth" : 1, "PictureRightCrop" : 0, "PictureRotate" : "angle=0:hflip=0", "PictureSharpenCustom" : "", "PictureSharpenFilter" : "off", "PictureSharpenPreset" : "medium", "PictureSharpenTune" : "none", "PictureTopCrop" : 22, "PictureUseMaximumSize" : true, "PictureWidth" : 1920, "PresetDescription" : "Compatible iPhone 5\/iPad 4", "PresetDisabled" : false, "PresetName" : "Apple 1080p30 AAC Stereo (VideoToolbox)", "SubtitleAddCC" : false, "SubtitleAddForeignAudioSearch" : false, "SubtitleAddForeignAudioSubtitle" : false, "SubtitleBurnBDSub" : false, "SubtitleBurnBehavior" : "none", "SubtitleBurnDVDSub" : false, "SubtitleLanguageList" : [ ], "SubtitleTrackSelectionBehavior" : "all", "Type" : 1, "UsesPictureFilters" : true, "VideoAvgBitrate" : 5000, "VideoColorMatrixCodeOverride" : 0, "VideoEncoder" : "vt_h264", "VideoFramerate" : "30", "VideoFramerateMode" : "pfr", "VideoGrayScale" : false, "VideoHWDecode" : 0, "VideoLevel" : "4.1", "VideoMultiPass" : true, "VideoOptionExtra" : "", "VideoPreset" : "quality", "VideoProfile" : "high", "VideoQSVDecode" : false, "VideoQualitySlider" : 22, "VideoQualityType" : 1, "VideoScaler" : "swscale", "VideoTune" : "", "VideoTurboMultiPass" : false, "x264Option" : "", "x264UseAdvancedOptions" : false } ], "VersionMajor" : 53, "VersionMicro" : 0, "VersionMinor" : 0 } 2024.04.28 20:12 Old-Fly-9110 Last hauls comming(deja vu, carsicko, syna wrld)
2024.04.28 20:00 we_havethemusic Art/prose either by, inspiring to or reminiscent of Alex
So I know Alex’s prose poetry/short stories have been discussed on this sub before, but not for a while. Someone compiled a doc of Alex’s original writing over the years here (but if you haven’t and are interested I highly recommend going on internet archive and actually scrolling through his site by year. The visual elements and formatting of his work are really cool!). But I’m curious if there are any more pieces by him floating around that people know of and could share.
I'm also curious if anyone's made a compilation of/remembers some authors/artists Alex has listed as influences over the years. I know he has a Joy Williams excerpt on his site right now, had The Goldfinch for a while lol, and cited Blood Meridian multiple times as inspiration— what else?
Also dude I really just want to appreciate how good of a writer Alex is. Lyrically obviously but also in what he’s put up on his website and channel over the years. The way he plays with form and space and visual is so cool— the images and gifs on his website and also combining that with music (rosebush and fay). I would kill for a zine or a little book written by him. Anyone always reminded of a particular artist or work when they read Alex’s shit that fans would be into?
I really really love his manipulation of space and imagery in particular so I’ll put forward the great Canadian poet bpNichol who was a fucking master at this. I also recently read The Collected Works of Billy the Kid by Michael Ondaatje which totally feels like something Alex would enjoy given his recurring citation of Blood Meridian and the violence that crops up in his own writing. (Also form-wise it’s definitely reminiscent of Alex’s fragmented prose).
submitted by we_havethemusic to sandyalexg [link] [comments]
I'm also curious if anyone's made a compilation of/remembers some authors/artists Alex has listed as influences over the years. I know he has a Joy Williams excerpt on his site right now, had The Goldfinch for a while lol, and cited Blood Meridian multiple times as inspiration— what else?
Also dude I really just want to appreciate how good of a writer Alex is. Lyrically obviously but also in what he’s put up on his website and channel over the years. The way he plays with form and space and visual is so cool— the images and gifs on his website and also combining that with music (rosebush and fay). I would kill for a zine or a little book written by him. Anyone always reminded of a particular artist or work when they read Alex’s shit that fans would be into?
I really really love his manipulation of space and imagery in particular so I’ll put forward the great Canadian poet bpNichol who was a fucking master at this. I also recently read The Collected Works of Billy the Kid by Michael Ondaatje which totally feels like something Alex would enjoy given his recurring citation of Blood Meridian and the violence that crops up in his own writing. (Also form-wise it’s definitely reminiscent of Alex’s fragmented prose).
2024.04.28 19:45 Dapper_Difference663 [PC SERVER] [ASE] [PVE] Harvey's World Gaming Cluster
Harvey's World Gaming is a new multigaming PvE community looking to grow our Ark Survival Evolved memberbase. We are a very event focused server with rcon scheduled events for super bosses, daily event hosting (ovis soccer, downhill doedic derby, paintball, battleship, ctf, and much more!) We value our players time on our server so we offer new exciting content to keep you engaged and reward your participation! We graciously ask to try us out and see if we can be a place you can proudly call home!
Cluster features - cluster transferable element, tributes, ect. - no buffer overflow disconnects. - shoulder pet automatic transfer. - Custom rewarding overworld bosses. - custom loot tables - cluster wide chat - in game shop with starter kits - dedicated event map
server rates - 3x exp - 5x harvest - 10x taming - 30x hatching - 20x raising - .2 mating - 2x crop growth
Mods - ark additions - Krakens better dinos - Shads Atlas imports - Shiny dinos! - Immersive taming - Dino Storage v2 - HG stacking 1000 50 - CKF Remastered - Structures plus - Awesome teleporters - Awesome Spyglass - crazy crazy potions - Lethals reusables - Marni hairstyles - roleplay appearal - Mx-e shop ui - Advanced rafts - Eco Trees - Eco gardens - Eco Wonderland - Eco shoppe - Eco Aberration decor - Eco Highlands home - Eco stable structures - eco RP decor
---- map exclusive mods----
server ips - Island: 64.42.177.220:27047 - Rag: 64.42.177.220:27043 - Fjordur: 64.42.177.220:27051 - Caballus (VIP): 64.42.177.220:27035 - Event map: 167.160.93.178:27043
http://discord.gg/harveysworld Message me if you have questions or would like an invite. Happy hunting!
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/1233957134425919528/1234196467200299018/Untitled_2.jpg?ex=662fda88&is=662e8908&hm=605249ed5ee0bd39c5dea51af20cecda67ba9210f324287c71bed98efee92bac&
submitted by Dapper_Difference663 to ARKServers [link] [comments]
Cluster features - cluster transferable element, tributes, ect. - no buffer overflow disconnects. - shoulder pet automatic transfer. - Custom rewarding overworld bosses. - custom loot tables - cluster wide chat - in game shop with starter kits - dedicated event map
server rates - 3x exp - 5x harvest - 10x taming - 30x hatching - 20x raising - .2 mating - 2x crop growth
Mods - ark additions - Krakens better dinos - Shads Atlas imports - Shiny dinos! - Immersive taming - Dino Storage v2 - HG stacking 1000 50 - CKF Remastered - Structures plus - Awesome teleporters - Awesome Spyglass - crazy crazy potions - Lethals reusables - Marni hairstyles - roleplay appearal - Mx-e shop ui - Advanced rafts - Eco Trees - Eco gardens - Eco Wonderland - Eco shoppe - Eco Aberration decor - Eco Highlands home - Eco stable structures - eco RP decor
---- map exclusive mods----
- Island Extension CIE
- Caballus
- Astral Ark
- Best egg
- steampunk
server ips - Island: 64.42.177.220:27047 - Rag: 64.42.177.220:27043 - Fjordur: 64.42.177.220:27051 - Caballus (VIP): 64.42.177.220:27035 - Event map: 167.160.93.178:27043
http://discord.gg/harveysworld Message me if you have questions or would like an invite. Happy hunting!
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/1233957134425919528/1234196467200299018/Untitled_2.jpg?ex=662fda88&is=662e8908&hm=605249ed5ee0bd39c5dea51af20cecda67ba9210f324287c71bed98efee92bac&
2024.04.28 19:38 Dapper_Difference663 [PC SERVER] HARVEY'S WORLD GAMING CLUSTER ASE PvE
Harvey's World Gaming is a new multigaming PvE community looking to grow our Ark Survival Evolved memberbase. We are a very event focused server with rcon scheduled events for super bosses, daily event hosting (ovis soccer, downhill doedic derby, paintball, battleship, ctf, and much more!) We value our players time on our server so we offer new exciting content to keep you engaged and reward your participation! We graciously ask to try us out and see if we can be a place you can proudly call home!
Cluster features - cluster transferable element, tributes, ect. - no buffer overflow disconnects. - shoulder pet automatic transfer. - Custom rewarding overworld bosses. - custom loot tables - cluster wide chat - in game shop with starter kits - dedicated event map
server rates - 3x exp - 5x harvest - 10x taming - 30x hatching - 20x raising - .2 mating - 2x crop growth
Mods - ark additions - Krakens better dinos - Shads Atlas imports - Shiny dinos! - Immersive taming - Dino Storage v2 - HG stacking 1000 50 - CKF Remastered - Structures plus - Awesome teleporters - Awesome Spyglass - crazy crazy potions - Lethals reusables - Marni hairstyles - roleplay appearal - Mx-e shop ui - Advanced rafts - Eco Trees - Eco gardens - Eco Wonderland - Eco shoppe - Eco Aberration decor - Eco Highlands home - Eco stable structures - eco RP decor ---- map exclusive mods---- - Island Extension CIE - Caballus - Astral Ark ----vip exclusive mods------- - Best egg - steampunk
Plugins - itemplus - serverevents - arkshop - Arkshopui - permissions - rconscheduler - safezones
server ips - Island: 64.42.177.220:27047 - Rag: 64.42.177.220:27043 - Fjordur: 64.42.177.220:27051 - Caballus (VIP): 64.42.177.220:27035 - Event map: 167.160.93.178:27043
http://discord.gg/harveysworld Message me if you have questions or would like an invite. Happy hunting!
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/1233957134425919528/1234196467200299018/Untitled_2.jpg?ex=662fda88&is=662e8908&hm=605249ed5ee0bd39c5dea51af20cecda67ba9210f324287c71bed98efee92bac&
submitted by Dapper_Difference663 to ARK_pc [link] [comments]
Cluster features - cluster transferable element, tributes, ect. - no buffer overflow disconnects. - shoulder pet automatic transfer. - Custom rewarding overworld bosses. - custom loot tables - cluster wide chat - in game shop with starter kits - dedicated event map
server rates - 3x exp - 5x harvest - 10x taming - 30x hatching - 20x raising - .2 mating - 2x crop growth
Mods - ark additions - Krakens better dinos - Shads Atlas imports - Shiny dinos! - Immersive taming - Dino Storage v2 - HG stacking 1000 50 - CKF Remastered - Structures plus - Awesome teleporters - Awesome Spyglass - crazy crazy potions - Lethals reusables - Marni hairstyles - roleplay appearal - Mx-e shop ui - Advanced rafts - Eco Trees - Eco gardens - Eco Wonderland - Eco shoppe - Eco Aberration decor - Eco Highlands home - Eco stable structures - eco RP decor ---- map exclusive mods---- - Island Extension CIE - Caballus - Astral Ark ----vip exclusive mods------- - Best egg - steampunk
Plugins - itemplus - serverevents - arkshop - Arkshopui - permissions - rconscheduler - safezones
server ips - Island: 64.42.177.220:27047 - Rag: 64.42.177.220:27043 - Fjordur: 64.42.177.220:27051 - Caballus (VIP): 64.42.177.220:27035 - Event map: 167.160.93.178:27043
http://discord.gg/harveysworld Message me if you have questions or would like an invite. Happy hunting!
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/1233957134425919528/1234196467200299018/Untitled_2.jpg?ex=662fda88&is=662e8908&hm=605249ed5ee0bd39c5dea51af20cecda67ba9210f324287c71bed98efee92bac&