I personally am not able to hold back the guffaws. In my career I've worked with blue collar guys who wake up at the crack of dawn to commute over an hour through trains and subways to bust their ass all day, who gobble up weekend overtime like it's nothing. I've worked with scientific researchers who uproot their families to live onsite at a laboratory, to check on their experiments and instrumentation day and night, and write papers for journals, review other papers, travel to conferences, all outside their regular work week. I've worked with health care personnel and corporate employees who will answer a 1:20 AM email by 1:30 AM.
I'm sorry but these podcast guys don't even crack the top 50% of "hardest workers" I've encountered. I get it, this is a passion for all of them. They probably do genuinely think about their content when they're in the shower, as they go to sleep, when they're with their SO. They probably have had periods in their life when they put more than 40 hours a week continuously in getting content out. They probably see themselves as "working" or "doing research" when they watch other people's content, or even playing video games, and it contributes to their sense that they are "always on". They probably put effort into learning the business behind the scenes, how Youtube works, the ad payouts and all that. They probably do really fastidious stuff in their editing because they want their stuff to be perfect.
But my goodness, the way they talk about how they're "workaholics" would make you think they single-handedly built the transcontinental railroad. Yeah, you all took a risk and made a name for yourself in a niche passion field. You made videos for a year that only got 50 views and you stuck with it and blew up. But you do kind of just talk about video games all day. Your biggest health risk is a sedentary lifestyle and obesity. Your biggest mental health obstacle is trying to appear enthusiastic about an entertainment field every day without ruining the magic of the medium for yourselves personally. Most of them don't leave the house on a given day. You want to make a video game and write a book one day? Wow man, join the club.
They way these guys wax poetic about how no one can possibly understand their dedication and hard work because they stayed up til midnight one time to get a Pokemon video out genuinely makes me laugh. Especially when Colin talks about how he has smoked weed every day for the past 20 years and often wakes up in the PM. I'm interested if anyone has managed to keep a straight face during these discussions.

Hello, apologize to write in English, my Macedonian is very rusty. Asking for favor.
So, one of my fellow country girl who came here to work at Limak Luxury Hotel, Skopje, have a problem. Until today, she's not getting her salary transferred to her account. She's been asking her higher-ups (GM, head of finance, HR) but all of them saying it will arrived, or the salary is on the process of transfer, or there have been some mistakes with her code, etc. One of the main concern as well, she's not getting her commission paid for 3 month as per contract it says that she'll get the commission paid every month.
She comes here legit with paperwork and stuff and even had the invitation letter that vouch for her stay here. The letter of invitation mention that she's guaranteed of living space, cost of living etc. But also there's a problem with the "living dpace" situation, so the hotel is actually put her into one of their room to stay. But whenever the hotel is booked/ full booked, she and her roommate needs to move to another room that has 2 people already (also working for Limak) so in the end 4 people jammed into one hotel room. She and her roommate actually asking to be placed in an studio apartments, but always getting a rejection.
Question: to where we can report this neglect and salary abuse here kn Skopje? Do we need to go to MVR (sincd they're the one who issues the permit) or to the Ministry od Justice or to Ministry of Labor? Can she get a state attorney to represent her or should she gets a private one? Is this commonly happened here with foreign employee?
Note: as far as she knows, she's the only one that hasn't received the salary this month.
Blagodaram.

I am giving cuet just as a mock test as this is my drop year. I wrote the roll number which I have in Physics in the English exam in the omr sheet!! My god!! I literally knew more than 95% of the correct answers, the paper was that easy, but I just had to fk this up!! I cannot believe that I didn't pay attention to what subject's roll number I as writing!! I told the invigilator about this, and she said that there's nothing that could be done now. Fk man!

1- Veo, a powerful AI video generator.
The text-to-video generator lets filmmakers write prompts to build cinematic shots.

1. Google will integrate AI natively in search.

You can ask whatever’s on your mind or whatever you need to get done — from researching to planning to brainstorming — and Google will take care of the legwork.

1. Astra, the future of AI assistants.

It can interact with the world around it by taking in information, remembering what it sees, processing that information and understanding contextual details.

1. Imagen 3: the highest quality text-to-image generation model yet.

It produces visuals with incredible detail, realistic lighting and fewer distracting artifacts.

1. Gemini 1.5 Pro is now available for all.

They also increased the context window to 2 million tokens. This is the equivalent of 15 books, 1.5 million words.

1. Trillium, a TPU (GPU competitor) that delivers a 4.7x improvement in compute performance per chip over the previous generation, TPU v5e.
   
2. Gemini 1.5 Flash
   

A lighter-weight model, optimized for tasks where low latency and cost matter most.
Developers can use it with up to 1 million tokens in Google AI Studio and Vertex AI.

1. Generative Music with MusicFX

MusicFX lets you unleash your inner DJ and craft new beats
Helps you mix beats by combining genres, instruments, and more to bring musical stories to life. It’s a playground for inspiring new music, and you can try it now.

1. Ask Gemini in Sheets for help analyzing your expenses with Data Q&A.

The ability to organize attachments in Drive, generate a sheet, and analyze data will roll out to Labs later this year.

1. Gemini will be integrated in Gmail, Docs and Calendar already work well together. It will make working across apps even easier — for example recognizing a receipt in Gmail and organizing it in Drive and Sheets.

Source: https://x.com/alphasignalai/status/1790456047288631736?s=46&t=l2c692xy2A7MW9f8j9sDmQ

This megathread is about the ongoing conflict between HYBE and the management of sub-label ADOR.
DO NOT make new posts related to this story to the subreddit. If you have new information/articles, add them to the comments below so they can be integrated into the main post.
THIS POST MAY BE LOCKED OR UNLOCKED AT VARYING TIMES based on what the moderators are able to manage during their shifts. Please be patient with us while we work to balance keeping up with the queue and our own lives.
DISCLAIMER ABOUT SOURCES: We prefer to focus on official statements from companies or other vetted sources. There will be widespread speculation and rumor-heavy articles, but until presented in an official capacity we consider them unsubstantiated. As Mods, all we can do is compile and summarize, but we are not investigators or journalists.

Summary of Previous Megathreads

MEGATHREADS ONE and TWO and THREE covered events from April 22nd to the 26th

• HYBE initiated the audit of sub-label ADOR, Min Hee Jin and ADOR's management claimed it was a witch-hunt/media play due to her frustrations with an internal complaint that new group ILLIT's visual concept was copying what she had designed for NewJeans.
  
• HYBE found further indications that ADOR's management was planning to undermine the value/function of the company and break ADOR away. Min Hee Jin held an emergency press conference for over two hours to reveal the internal politics of HYBE and her frustrations. HYBE refuted claims made during the conference.
  

MEGATHREAD FOUR provides a SUMMARY of all events so far and up to the 30th

• Various conspiracies spread online over the last weekend in April. HYBE labels BIGHIT Music and SOURCE Music released statements vowing to take legal action to protect their artists against slander and groundless rumors.
  
• A court hearing was held on the 30th resulting in schedules for upcoming meetings. ADOR's board meeting is supposedly set for May 10th and HYBE's general shareholders' meeting for sometime by the end of the month.
  

MEGATHREAD FIVE covered the first half of May.

• ADOR's meeting was set on the 10th and held, wherein a shareholders' meeting was set for May 31st. Min Hee Jin filed an injuction against HYBE with a hearing to take place on the 17th.
  
• Claims fired back and forth around HYBE continuing their audit and obtaining a personal laptop from an ADOR employee over potential embezzlement concerns.
  
• A Letter allegedly written by the parents of NewJeans and forwarded to HYBE via MHJ was made public. It included complaints about the treatment of NewJeans within the company. HYBE rebutted the letter and questioned its origins and the intentions of its release.
  
• HYBE requested an investigation regarding findings that ADOR's Vice President sold a large amount of HYBE shares a week before the audit began, suggesting he had reason to believe the company's stock price would fall.
  

Articles / Timeline

240515

• Indirectly related, HYBE will be listed as a conglomerate due to assets of $3.65 billion or larger. See Yonhap article below.
  
• Yonhap News: Regulator adds 6 more biz groups to 'chaebol watchlist,' including Hybe
  
• It was confirmed HYBE requested an FSS investigation on the 14th. It was reported they submitted concrete evidence seized during the audit of potential insider trading, arranging meetings with foreign investors, etc. and working with foreign securities analyst Mr. A. (Source: Newsis)
  

Looking ahead:

• May 17: The Seoul District Court (Civil Affairs Dept.) will investigate/interrogate regarding the injunction Min Hee Jin filed against HYBE (previously reported on the 7th)
• May 31: The extraordinary shareholders' meeting to potentially oust and replace Min Hee Jin as ADOR CEO.

Link back to MEGATHREADS ONE and TWO and THREE and FOUR and FIVE

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so half-asleep while writing this so please forgive any mistakes until moring.
found myself in another failed play by post game again, a sci-fi western game ala Cowboy Bebop and firefly taking place in a single sector of space that has a failed rebellion and barely leaving any useable planets remanded and most live either on stations, moons, or the "better" parts of the remain of the sector capital. the party would be freelancers, mostly bounty hunters trying to make a living in this space sector. the main gimmick is that each of us has a dark secret that still haunts us. the party was going to be a one-armed tech that ran away from a corrupt megacorp, an ex-cop/war vet turned bounty hunter, an "ex" smuggler trying to escape the mob, and Me as an old surgeon who was part of a worker's rights movement that was violently put down by the megacorps.
We all finalized character sheets, and on the day of the first post, I was taken to a private channel and told he didn't think I was a good fit. He found the public backstory to be too secretive for a game like this; I have put down that he was just known as a very good back alley Russan doctor who loved to party, as I was basing him off of some of the characters from Disco Elysium. he also told me that my character was overall vague, like he only saw one major connection to the setting itself and saw that as lacking interest and respect for the game or the DM running it. the party and I tried asking more about the setting as the setting doc was about 3 pages long, and most of it explained the war but not how much time had passed, who were the major players in the war, and if they were the same movers today. the factions were a sentence long, mostly "This is the remaining settlers who are dirt poor" and "This is what corporations look like?"
The setting document was indeed short and vague, and when anyone asked for a more specific part of it, they were only told, 'It's in the setting document; use it.' and he would leave it at that. The one major link was to a gas giant mining corp which only made up a sentence and a half of this doc, which was just the name and industry. I had taken the time to thoroughly read the setting doc, even quoting from it while trying to ask questions. I dedicated a weekend before my finals to finishing the character and background. The DM's response, 'if you had asked them like that, I would have answered them but it's too late for that now. in fact it seems like that's a red flag as a player,' left me feeling unappreciated. I tried explaining to him that finals would be done by the game start, as it was in the morning but he kept twisting it to show that I didn't really have time for the game. seeing the writing on the wall, I just opted out of playing like he wanted me to.
It's funny enough that talking to the other players who remained, it sounds like that game isn't happening as the ex-cops character was "to cowboy and not enough space." The one-arm tech revealed too much of their background to be a useable character, and the smuggler was too specialized in piloting and wanted it to be a general skill everyone had on top of everyone being able to fight.
TLDR; DM wants to have a sci-fi cowboy game but Me nor the other party member can make characters that fit into his barely baked setting and makes it an "US" problem,

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Chapter 15: For What You’ve Tamed
“We’ve come a long way, Vikri. Let’s finish your story,” Rayner said as he sat down in the same chair, crossing his legs in the same way.; small consistencies that made the task of talking about my past seem a little more routine. “I understand you lost someone important to you that day.”
I shifted slightly where I sat. “Yeah,” I answered coarsely. I grabbed at the poncho hanging over my shoulders. I remembered what it felt like in my dreams. Radiant warmth always seemed to emanate from it. Not necessarily the poncho itself, but Tenga’s memory. I realized that as long as I had those, then he was still here in a way. I’d much rather have him here than his memory though.
Rayner nodded. “I know what that’s like,” he said in a near whisper.
I shook my head. “It’s not just that I lost him. I…I failed,” I rasped. “I could’ve saved him. Maybe if I’d gone back I could’ve gotten the equipment before the fire did. I was too afraid.”
Rayner nodded slowly. “And now you feel responsible.”
I remained silent as I clutched my tail on the couch beside me. Rayner already knew the answer. He pursed his lips. “Yeah…I know exactly how that feels.”
I looked up at him. For the first time, his eyes weren’t on me, but on the adjacent wall as he seemed to ponder something. “You think about all the things you could have done differently. Things that are so obvious in hindsight,” he sighed and adjusted his glasses. “If only it were that clear in the moment.” He looked up at me, clasping his hands together. “So walk me through what happened.”
I could still vividly remember the moment Tenga got shot. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. So quickly in fact, that it even took Tenga a moment to realize there was a hole in his torso. Minutes of continuous tension shattered with a hail of gunfire lasting less than a second. The echoes continued to howl through the mountains long after the bodies met the snow. My friend was fatally wounded, the snow around him dyed bright red with his blood. And I had to leave him.
The entire time I was in the belly of the federation destroyer with danger lurking around every corner, all I wanted to do was to get this done as quickly as possible and get back to him. I was enraged that they’d done this to him and to billions just like him.
“Tenga was all I thought about the entire time,” I croaked. “And I…I was willing to kill everyone onboard to get back to him, even if there was no way I ever could. I… did things I could never have imagined myself doing even just days ago. I tore a chunk out of my leg just to be able to get to the Krakotl pinning me down with a crowbar.” I inhaled deeply, staring down at my reflection in the water, recalling my bloodshot eyes in the reflection of the ship's monitor. The grimly colorful bloodstains in my fur from several different species.
Rayner nodded. “It was a desperate situation. Many don’t see themselves doing things like that until they’re put in a situation where it's necessary. A situation where it's do or die. No one can fault you for that, especially not with all that depended on you.”
“I guess I just…It’s just worrying knowing that there’s a part of me capable of that.”
The doctor tapped his pen on his notepad as he seemed to think for a moment. “Do you worry that you may have violent outbursts?”
I scoffed. “Well, the events of a few days ago provided good grounds for worry.”
Rayner nodded. “Aggression is common for PTSD victims. It can be difficult to manage intense emotions when your mind is already dealing with so much.
I shook my head. “That’s not the person I want to be.”
Rayner nodded. “I know Vikri. That’s why it's so crucial for you to talk about this stuff. The less all of this weighs on you, the better you’ll be able to control those emotions when they arise.”
He finished writing on his notepad before taking off his glasses and leaning forward slightly. “So what happened to Tenga?”
The question made my heart sink. My mind went quiet. The second hand of time sounded like the footsteps of a giant marching toward…something. My body seemed to go cold and numb. “He died…” I croaked, staring down at the table. That was the first time I’d admitted that to myself verbally in such a direct way. “And I tried so hard,” I choked, tears now streaming down my face. “I did everything in my power to save him. I even put Querek’s life in danger.”
I felt the heat. I could feel cold water dripping from my paws as the burning ship melted the frost accumulating in my fur. I remembered the terrifying hopelessness that gripped me as I gripped Querek and pushed him into the snow. He tried to sacrifice himself for Tenga. What if I had let him? Would it have even worked? Could Tenga accept that?
I recalled the story to Rayner, battling to keep my composure. “I…I watched him die,” I choked. “And I was furious. Reese had to pull me off of him. I wanted to do…something, anything, but…he told them not to bring him back. I think he…” I winced at the thought of him considering this. “I think he’d rather have died sacrificing himself over…going rabid.”
Silence perforated the room for what felt like several long minutes. Rayner sat with his legs crossed, his hand propped up against his mouth. He seemed to become lost in thought for a moment before speaking. “I know how that guilt feels,” he admitted quietly.
I looked at him, somewhat surprised. “You do?”
Rayner nodded, rubbing his hands together. “My son,” he said plainly, taking a long pause before he continued. “He and Jesse were very close as kids. Practically brothers.” He tapped on his clipboard with his pen. “I was…not so available in those days. I was a very different man than I am now. I was still in school. I was always busy, always stressed. I hadn't even considered becoming a therapist. I was deadset on becoming a neurosurgeon.” He scoffed at himself, his head gently shaking back and forth as his gaze grew distant. His delivery lacked that matter-of-fact candor I was so used to by now. He was much quieter; less animated. His eye contact was sporadic and he never stopped fidgeting with his pen. Everything about him seemed suddenly mired in an emotion that was difficult to read. That was when I saw everything we'd done over the past few days for what it really was. Rayner wasn't invincible. He never claimed to be. He was hurt; I could hear it in his voice. He wasn't a person reaching down into the mud and yanking me out by the nape of the neck. He was man covered in mud himself. He wasn't an untouchable hero. Merely a guide.
He continued as that realization struck me. “I loved him as much as a father could. But I was so busy that…well I wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been. That put a big strain on our relationship.” He removed his glasses and wiped the lenses a few times before he continued. “One night we got into an argument. He’d just gotten his license. He had an old beat-up car I'd bought him for his birthday,” he chuffed. “A teen’s first car is always…eccentric. Thought it was a great deal at the time.” He sighed and nodded slightly before continuing. “He left the house enraged, speeding down the road. After a few miles, he lost control, swerved off the road, and hit a tree head-on. The airbag never deployed. The car crumpled like a soda can.”
I stared at him, speechless as he concluded in a near-whisper. “He was declared dead at the scene.”
The room felt hollow for a few long seconds. I searched for a reply but couldn't fathom the right words to say. Fortunately, Rayner didn't stay silent for long. “Like you, I blamed myself for a long…long time.” He sighed. “And it nearly destroyed me.”
I stared at the floor, fidgeting with my tail. “How did you…overcome that?”
“Well it didn't happen overnight,” he replied, flashing a brief smile. “It takes time but, at some point, you have to carry on living. You have to continue loving.” His eyes creased slightly as he looked down at his own hands. “You have to keep loving,” he repeated in a low whisper.
Loud silence claimed the room again as his words sank in. He was right. It was either accept what happened or live like this forever. Looking at it that pragmatically, the choice seemed easy. Emotions are never so logical though. It wasn’t as if he relieved himself of that burden either, it was obvious he still carried it. It just…didn’t weigh as much now. Not because it got lighter, but because he got stronger. I eased into speaking again. “I…I'm sorry. About your son.”
Rayner nodded. “I'm sorry about your friend.”
We both stewed in silence for a minute before Rayner spoke up. “We’ll send you home today.”
“You…really think I’m ready?”
Rayner nodded slowly. “I think so. The medication seems to be working, you haven’t had any breakdowns since you’ve been here. You’ve gotten much better at discussing these things. I think you’re equipped to face this now.”
“...I’m afraid,” I croaked.
“Of what?” Rayner asked, leaning forward
“Of…seeing Lucky again. I'm doubting whether I even should. I was never prepared to be her master. I’m just a danger to her.”
“Vikri,” Rayner exhaled and leaned forward. “You made a mistake. We all do. But you have a responsibility to her. You should at least see her and face that mistake, or you’ll never have closure. What you decide after that is your choice, but I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think.”
“I hope so,” I sighed.
Rayner clicked his pen and set his notepad aside. “We’ve made you some medication to take home, same stuff you've been taking. The plan is to keep lowering the dosage until you’re sleeping without it. We’ve made you some sheets with all the daily doses on them and when to take each one. It’s enough to last you two weeks, then once they’re out, you’ll come back here for another session, then if you need it, we’ll get you more and keep weaning you off them.”
He leaned forward, emphasizing his next words. “And I cannot recommend enough that you go to Jesse’s support group in between our meetings. Those will help you tremendously, I’m sure of it.”
I nodded. “I have his number. I’ll…I’ll give it a shot.”
“You won't regret it,” Rayner assured me. “Jesse was in the same chair as you not too long ago for similar reasons. He has knowledge from first-hand experience. I can vouch for him, he’s a great guy.” He inhaled. “Well, is there anything else Vikri? We won’t be seeing each other again for a while, so if there’s anything else, now’s the time to talk about it.”
I thought for a second. We’d covered almost everything. I’d never discussed those days in so much detail. It felt like being submerged in icy water. It was miserable at first, but over time it became easier, even comfortable. I’d relived so much pain over the last three days, but here at the end of the whole story, It felt less like a nightmare, and more like reality. “No, I don’t think so,” I finally replied.
“Then I’ll clear you to go home. Andrea is here, she’ll give you a ride, I’m sure. Here.” He reached over and handed me a small business card. “That has all my contact information on it. I’m usually here in my office until late at night, so feel free to call if you need anything. If the sedative gives you any issues at all, any side effects, make sure to call and let me know. We followed the recipe to a tee, but it’s wise to be cautious.”
A familiar silence flooded the room as Rayner and I seemed to, for the first time, have nothing left to say. Finally, the doctor spoke. “See you in two weeks, Vikri.”
///////////////////////////////
Golden strands of light danced between the digits of my paw as I moved it in front of the brilliant summer sun. An intense beacon of warmth floating in a sky as blue as Earth’s oceans. The rumble of Andy’s car occupied the air as we cruised down the highway. Vivri was sound asleep in the backseat. The gentle white noise and vibration seemed to knock her out cold. I watched the sunrays dance as I waved my paw in front of me, before turning it around. Several spots on my paw still had obvious scars. I even still had burn scars from the electrical systems aboard the crumbling Cardinal.
I curled my paw closed into a fist and rested my head against it, watching the lush, green mountains pass by in the distance. After three days I was set loose into the world once again, hopefully better armed than I was before. Even after all the weight I doffed from my shoulders in Rayner’s office, a crushing mass still rested on my chest. Lucky.
The weight only became heavier as the car slowed, and rounded a corner into the parking lot of a large animal hospital. Andy gently brought the car to a stop in a parking space in front of the entrance. Occasionally people would walk in and out with their pets, many of which were dogs on leashes.
Vivri stirred awake after we stopped. “Oh…We’re here,” she muttered nervously. “There’s…a lot more animals here than I was expecting.”
Andy chuckled. “It’s an animal hospital girl, there’s gonna be all kinds of critters here.”
I turned around to face her. “You don’t have to go in there. You and Andy can wait here.”
Andy scoffed. “You might wanna tell Rayner they screwed up those meds, ‘cause you’re delusional if you think I’m letting you go in there by yourself.”
“Well I don’t want her to be alone out here,” I argued.
“I’ll go in, just…stay close, please?” Vivri interjected.
I looked back at her, ears tilted. She was dead serious. I sighed and shook my head. “This is gonna be a disaster,” I groaned.
Andy opened her door. “I’ll wait with her in the lobby, you go talk to the vets. It’ll be fine.”
I looked back at Vivri one last time as Andy stepped out. “Alright, just stay away from the cats.” I opened my door and began stepping out into the summer air.
“C-cats?”
“Small felines. They're demons with mind control,” I replied just before closing the door.
Vivri scrambled out of the car and followed right on my heels. “Well don’t just leave me!” she squeaked.
I laughed. “I’m kidding. Well, mostly.”
Walking into the building, I realized that Lucky had been in a very similar place as me over the past three days. The lobby felt eerily similar to the one at the medical center. Everything went silent as Vivri and I walked in. Immediately I could feel dozens of eyes on us. Vivri hid close behind me as Andy gestured for me to follow her to the desk.
I doubted any of the humans there meant any harm, but dozens of binocular eyes snapping onto her in an instant had Vivri more unsettled than she already was. It didn’t help that several dogs were either on leashes or in carriers in the lobby, which were no doubt just as curious. I grabbed Viv’s paw. “They don't see many Venlil,” I whispered. “Just ignore them.”
I approached the desk with Vivri still hiding behind me. “E-excuse me?” I stuttered. The woman at the desk looked up, clearly caught off guard by two venlil standing before her. “O-oh! Excuse me, you must be Lucky’s owner, right?”
“Yeah. Vikri.” I could feel Vivri shivering behind me.
“I’ll let Doctor Gavin know you’re here.”
“Thanks,” I muttered before turning to Vivri. “Are you sure about this?” I whispered.
“Of course! It’s just for a few minutes, right?” Her body language gave an entirely different answer. She seemed like she might faint at any moment.
I looked up at Andy. “Keep her close, would you?”
Andy wrapped her arms over Viv’s shoulders. “Of course. I’ll keep little Vivi safe from all the big, bad puppy dogs and mean kitties,” she said in baby speak, twisting her side to side. She giggled. “We’ll be fine.” Her tone suddenly shifted as she locked eyes with me. “Will you?”
I stood there in silence for a moment. This entire time my heart felt unbearably heavy. Standing there, I felt nauseous. So much so that I made it a point to know exactly where the bathroom was when I walked in. The weight on my chest made breathing a laborious task. I heaved in a deep breath. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in there but…I have to do this. For both of us.”
Andy exhaled and nodded, seemingly just as nervous for me. Right on cue, the door at the back of the room opened with a heavy click. “Vikri?” a male voice called out. An older gentleman in burgundy scrubs surveyed the room. It didn’t take long for him to find me. He nodded toward me as he adjusted his glasses. “Right this way, please.”
“We’ll be right here,” Andy whispered, her hands still resting around Viv’s shoulders, who agreed with a tail flick.
I nodded and walked toward the man, leaving the cozy waiting room behind, and entering a long, sterile hallway. The doctor’s shoes clicked against the tile as he walked just in front of me. The weight bearing down on my chest only got heavier with each step. After a few agonizing seconds, the man finally spoke up as he stopped outside a door. “I’m Doctor Gavin,” he said breathily, extending a hand. “I performed Lucky’s surgery.”
I took his hand with my paw, which he could no doubt tell was trembling by this point. “Vikri,” I choked. “S-so…How is she?”
“She’s good,” Gavin answered in a higher pitch. “She’s recovering remarkably fast. Really lived up to her name.” He opened the door and stepped through into a kennel area as he continued. “The bullet hit one of her ribs and shattered. A couple of fragments pierced her lung, one of them was just inches from her heart. There’re still a few very small ones lodged in her tissue, but we’d be doing more harm than good by trying to remove them. They shouldn’t cause any issues and come out on their own after some time, but we’ll keep track of them with x-rays.”
As he spoke we passed by kennels, some empty, some with dogs that barked or jumped up on the cage as we passed. I scoured each one for Lucky, my dread building with each one we passed. Suddenly, the doctor stopped in front of me. He inhaled deeply. “I should mention…Given the…circumstances of how she got these injuries, me and some staff will stay with you just in case she becomes aggressive. That’s not to say that I think she will,” he added hastily, “she’s been great with everyone here but…you know, just to be safe.”
“I get it,” I breathed. It made sense. If Lucky attacked me, it would be far more deadly than it would be for a human. And I was confident even a human wouldn’t last long against a half-wolf her size. Fittingly, a group of four humans were gathered at the end of the hallway, catchers in hand.
Time seemed to slow as I approached the pen. The staff members all looked over at me with the same anxious expression. I felt like a prisoner walking toward my judgment, and that perhaps it was me that belonged behind these cages. I swallowed and took a long, slow breath as Gavin opened the gate. He walked in ahead of me. “Hey there big girl,” he said in a chipper tone. I heard the familiar thumping of Lucky’s tail against the floor. Gavin chuckled to himself as the remaining four staff calmly and quietly filed into the pen. Once they were all inside, the final human leaned around the corner, looked me in the eyes for a long second, and nodded once.
A new reality awaited around that corner. My sentence was about to be read. It felt so cripplingly helpless; wanting so desperately to finally be reunited with my best friend, yet trembling at the thought of rounding a corner to run face-first into the consequences of my actions. I steeled myself one last time. I nodded back at the catcher and took slow, deliberate steps toward him. I finally rounded the corner, and for the first time since the incident, I saw Lucky.
She lay on a large, fabric bed, with food and water bowls close by. Her right front leg was bound in a cast, tied up close to her body. A large patch of fur had been shaved away around her chest and halfway up her neck. She seemed thinner than I remembered. It reminded me of the scared, hungry pup I’d met so long ago.
Her eyes tracked onto mine instantly, and I felt an ache that defied all imagination. The same gaze that would send almost any other Venlil scrambling down the hallway instead gripped some inner part of me in a cold, numb stasis. I couldn’t move. Part of me wanted to run to her and spill out how sorry I was. Another wanted to curl up on the floor right there and sob, returning to that familiar numbness that seemed akin to the ancient enemy of life itself. The cold. That bitterness that pierced through fur, through flesh, through bones, and any ideal held by the naive child that sat next to Tenga’s corpse that day. It ran through until there was nothing left.
Then, I felt a warmth as if someone had draped a blanket over me. I gripped my poncho around my shoulders, grabbing it tightly. I made a quiet promise to myself there and then. Not a promise to my sister, or my parents, or Andrea. Me. I wouldn’t lie down in the cold. Never again. One more hill.
“Hey Lucky,” I said, my voice coarse and breaking every syllable.
The silence was abruptly broken as Lucky, though seemingly frail, shot to her feet. Everyone in the room shifted, prepared for the worst. I didn’t dare move, but I could feel my heart pounding in my legs, my body preparing to bolt. The staff watched her carefully, their grip slightly tightened around their polls. Lucky made no sounds, only stared at me, her nostrils flaring as she gathered my scent. Her right front leg was useless, immobilized against her body. She shifted her footing to steady herself. Then I saw something that replaced fear with tears. She was shaking like a leaf, never taking her eyes off me. She could care less about the others. She was scared. Of me.
I felt myself fall off a ledge in a sensation I’d become all too familiar with over the last few weeks. Tears streamed down my face, my breath hitching as I brought my paws up to my face. I fell to my knees, the presence of the staff had become irrelevant. “I’m…I’m sorry,” I exhaled between gasps. “I’m so sorry.”
So there it was. My new reality. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it was what I expected. I didn’t know what I’d do then, and I didn’t know now. Could I go on without Lucky? She was the one fortress in the turbulent seas of my broken mind. She was the one I could always count on. The one that I knew would always be there, no matter what. Now I was convinced she was terrified of me.
I sat there a shattered mess for a long moment, tumbling off that cliff and reaching out for anything to catch myself, but found nothing but jagged stones. I felt a hand on my shoulder, Doctor Gavin attempting to comfort me, I assumed. Until I felt something touch my knee. I looked up, thrown out of the spiral abruptly. Lucky was now just in front of me, licking my leg. I froze, confused. She gently laid down, careful of her bandaged leg as she rested her head on my leg, looking up at me. That was the same leg she’d broken months ago. Finally, I got it. “I hurt you, and you still loved me.”
A wave of relief rushed through me and I looked down at her, eyes glossy with tears. I bent down and rested my head against hers. I laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. For the first time in days, I felt whole again.
Lucky still loved me.
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I feel headachey and tired today but my mood feels better than yesterday so that’s good!
We were in the middle of a conversation last night, he had me utterly soaked and losing my mind and then it went silent and I couldn’t hear him and when I tell you the timing could not have been worse I am not kidding. Except it turns out he could still hear me, which I felt embarrassed about later because I was basically being a little whimpering mess because I assumed he couldn’t hear anything either like he normally can’t. So anyway now he must know he’s baby because I was saying things like baby come back and where are you like an absolute idiot. I think my brain cells lessen even more so when I’m in that frame of mind. Wait and so that means he’d already cum and was over the whole thing and I didn’t know and I kept going, and he kept like… encouraging it with the dirty stuff he was saying. That’s kind of embarrassing that he was just sat there twiddling his thumbs and there I was sounding so stupid. He’s so sweet.
I’ve decided the middle-ish bit of the miss murder song sounds like Jeff Buckley for a little bit, not the voice but the music bit. Only briefly. Anyway my poppunky phase has still returned, I feel 14 again listening to the used and stuff, what a time. I’ve only saved the main big ones to this new playlist though, I know I’m forgetting a bunch of not top 40 kinda ones but whatever these are scratch my lil itch. I’m also just having a lil nostalgic phase with that playlist - it’s wild how much my music taste has changed… but also stayed the same? I loved the klaxons back then, I’m listening to them again and I still like them, and I’m remembering lyrics when I forgot said song even existed. Maybe that’s why I remember nothing from school, because my head is filled with useless lyrics. Good one, brain. Or Simian Mobile Disco? Entirely forgot they existed. I never forgot about the yeah yeah yeahs though, I have succcchhhhhhhh a vivid memory of listening to them while walking around some suburb in Brisbane while we were visiting my aunty and uncle, I think I was 14 or 15, and I was wearing a white tshirt because I remember it started pouring down and it went see through and I felt super embarrassed. But it was night time, or like after dinner time, and I was just going on a stroll cause idk I was a teenager and probably wanted some space to be my angsty self. I remember my uncle had a movie room, not really but he called it that, and it had bean bags and stuff and he had all the HP movies, or at least whatever was out by then. And now I’m day dreaming about how I was a couple cities away from my honey, except what’s the bet he would take one look at 14/15 year old me when he was like 18/19 and be like ew get away from me you little creep. Anyway. Le Tigre were big for me. Xray spex too, the intro to oh bondage up yours still to this day haunts my mind. I listened to that germ free adolescent album a lot at one stage. I’ve just listened to a bunch of it now and I still like it a lot. I have to say the more my mood has dropped and my anxiety increased over the years the more subdued music I listen to, I wonder if it’s connected? Because I used to listen to a lot of… busy music, let’s say. Whereas now it stresses me out sometimes, and I wonder if it’s because there’s too much at once and that doesn’t mesh well with an already hectic head. Omg and MGMT, I had a biggggggg phase of them. I genuinely wanted to marry the curly haired one, I thought everything about him was so dreamy. I want to say his name is Andrew from memory, lucky me getting an even better Andrew! It’s weird to think of Andy as an Andrew, I mean ultimately he’s honeybunny or baby but he’s also Andy. And his friends don’t even call him that? I’m obviously not writing what that name is here. I think it’s so so cute that his friends kid calls him that too, or tries to. Anyway he’s just baby. I think I say the same stuff in these journals all the time.
I feel a lot of relief knowing I have no more things on til July. I’m proud of myself though, it was technically homework for therapy - to do things that make me happy. Outside of the house, around people I mean. And so she asked what I would do if I was “normal” and one of them was go to things like the ballet and plays, things I miss out on because I’m too scared. So we agreed I would go to a couple and I did!! Homework: achieved. She was really proud of me when I said the events I had coming up, I know that sounds so pathetic and stupid but I’m definitely someone that needs to hear that praise and stuff. I can get by without it, but it’s encouraging to hear it, y’know? Idk.
Work is annoying me.
I don’t get why the idea of his friend doesn’t make him jealous. I don’t want it to make him jealous, I don’t want any form of negativity around it, but why doesn’t it? Am I built that differently to him? If he even floated the idea of that to me vice versa I don’t think I would ever recover. I mean that’s dramatic and I would but I would be paranoid about it for a looooooong time. But so why doesn’t he care? It feels like I care more about it than he does, it feels like I’m more concerned about it than he is? I don’t get it. I absolutely don’t want him to be super jealous or anything like that, I know I find the whole territorial thing crazzzzy hot in fiction but in reality I would find it stifling and frustrating. But him having zero ounce of jealousy just idk, it makes me feel like he doesn’t care? If he was to feel jealous, doesn’t that mean he’d want me all to himself? So if he isn’t jealous, then he doesn’t? I know I’m overthinking this so I’ll stop. And also in the past he’s said in reality he doesn’t know if he would actually want me with anyone else, but the idea and fantasy of it all is hot, which I agree with. I mean never say never because idk I guess I kind of do want to experience him and someone else at the same time, like I wouldn’t care in the slightest if it never happened but it is something I think I do properly want. But everything else? Even if we got to the point of finding someone and it eventuating and all of that… I can’t envision me actually going through with it. Even if Andy wanted it. Except maybe I would, but not out of want but out of feeling like I should because I don’t want to let anyone down. I know that isn’t a good reason to say yes but idk. Anyway. None of this matters. I don’t think the fact he doesn’t get jealous as such means he doesn’t care. If he didn’t care then he would end things.
Not to be rude and horrid and hateful but some people have the most god awful voices. There’s a podcast of three women who talk about books and stuff and anyway they’re all American and two of them are fine, if a little grating at times, but one of them has the most disgusting voices I’ve ever heard. It’s HORRIBLE. And she keeps shouting over the others and screeching and it’s just such a gross voice. I feel so mean :(
I worked kinda late, just til 7 or so. And then I had dinner, had chats with M, had a shower, made my bed and showered annnnnd now it’s time with my baby! The sky was very pretty tonight, it was like a glowing rose gold. It kind of made me think of a copper pot on a fire. I feel like suchhhh a lil grub, I only changed my sheets today and it’s Wednesday. That means a week and half of the same sheets! Which I guess isn’t actually so bad compared to others but still. And I also shower right before bed, so in theory I know they’re fine but I like to have fresh sheets every Sunday, it’s just how I am. I can’t wait to make our bed, I wonder if he’d think it was silly to sometimes leave lil lovey notes under his pillow? Just now and then, like a lil post it size note saying something cute. Hm. I do things like that though, and I know it can be seen as super lame and things so idk. I’ll just have to learn what’s okay and what’s not. Hmmm. Anyway.
Night night

so half-asleep while writing this so please forgive any mistakes until moring.
found myself in another failed play by post game again, a sci-fi western game ala Cowboy Bebop and firefly taking place in a single sector of space that has a failed rebellion and barely leaving any useable planets remanded and most live either on stations, moons, or the "better" parts of the remain of the sector capital. the party would be freelancers, mostly bounty hunters trying to make a living in this space sector. the main gimmick is that each of us has a dark secret that still haunts us. the party was going to be a one-armed tech that ran away from a corrupt megacorp, an ex-cop/war vet turned bounty hunter, an "ex" smuggler trying to escape the mob, and Me as an old surgeon who was part of a worker's rights movement that was violently put down by the megacorps.
We all finalized character sheets, and on the day of the first post, I was taken to a private channel and told he didn't think I was a good fit. He found the public backstory to be too secretive for a game like this; I have put down that he was just known as a very good back alley Russan doctor who loved to party, as I was basing him off of some of the characters from Disco Elysium. he also told me that my character was overall vague, like he only saw one major connection to the setting itself and saw that as lacking interest and respect for the game or the DM running it. the party and I tried asking more about the setting as the setting doc was about 3 pages long, and most of it explained the war but not how much time had passed, who were the major players in the war, and if they were the same movers today. the factions were a sentence long, mostly "This is the remaining settlers who are dirt poor" and "This is what corporations look like?"
The setting document was indeed short and vague, and when anyone asked for a more specific part of it, they were only told, 'It's in the setting document; use it.' and he would leave it at that. The one major link was to a gas giant mining corp which only made up a sentence and a half of this doc, which was just the name and industry. I had taken the time to thoroughly read the setting doc, even quoting from it while trying to ask questions. I dedicated a weekend before my finals to finishing the character and background. The DM's response, 'if you had asked them like that, I would have answered them but it's too late for that now. in fact it seems like that's a red flag as a player,' left me feeling unappreciated. I tried explaining to him that finals would be done by the game start, as it was in the morning but he kept twisting it to show that I didn't really have time for the game. seeing the writing on the wall, I just opted out of playing like he wanted me to.
It's funny enough that talking to the other players who remained, it sounds like that game isn't happening as the ex-cops character was "to cowboy and not enough space." The one-arm tech revealed too much of their background to be a useable character, and the smuggler was too specialized in piloting and wanted it to be a general skill everyone had on top of everyone being able to fight.
TLDR; DM wants to have a sci-fi cowboy game but Me nor the other party member can make characters that fit into his barely baked setting and makes it an "US" problem,

Player Character

Basic Information

Reddit Account: u/a_dolf_in
Discord Tag: ArcElliott
Name and House: Olivia Redwyne
Age: 26
Cultural Group: Andal
Appearance: Olivia has a very confident aura around her at all times, the result of just being in charge and often being the only competent person for miles around for more than a decade. In typical Redwyne fashion, she has red hair and her eye colour sits somewhere between green and blue (depending on the light). Her hair is long, reaches down to her lower back, and is usually braided in some way to keep it tame. Other than that, she is of average height and has a very hourglass-figure.
Trait: Mariner
Skill(s): Admiral (e), Cunning, Tactician, Malicious
Talent(s): Sommelier, Drawing, Gymnastics
Negative Trait(s): -
Starting Title(s): Grand Admiral of the Arbor
Starting Location: opening feast
Alternate Characters: -

Biography

Olivia was born in the year before the conquest to Osric and Joanna Redwyne, as their second child. In the very next year, Osric would be fatally injured by dragonfire at the Field of Fire, and pass before he could even be brought to a maester. Therefore, the young Redwyne never really knew her father, but both her and her older brother would soon be adopted by their uncles Simon and Lucas, the latter of which their mother Joanna would then marry and have another child with.
It is usually said that every Redwyne is born with a natural inclination towards the sea. For Olivia that turned out to be much stronger than for most others, and was only further reinforced each time one of her uncles took her along on a journey across the Arbor Strait or on some journeys south. What started as jokingly giving her command during a trip once, quickly turned into a lot of surprise for the crew when the then 6-year-old began barking orders as if she had spent four decades at sea. With each journey she was progressively given more and more responsibilities until she eventually commanded her own ship. In that regard she was outpacing her brother Clovis massively.
She was 14 when her brother Clovis, then Lord of the Arbor, ran off to Essos. Within the week she was on board of her ship sailing east in order to find him and bring him home. Unfortunately for her that happened to be precisely when the fighting was going on in the Stepstones, and upon request by Queen Rhaenys she was forced to partake in the fighting first, giving her brother more than enough time to get lost somewhere in the eastern continent.
So, for about four years she sailed from town to town giving chase until she finally caught his trail and chased him down in Qarth, drunk out of his mind, in the courtyard of some local magister. She quickly put him on a ship and sailed back to the Arbor with him.
The following years proved rather uneventful. There was the occasional Ironborn party which came too close to the island for comfort and needed to be met with force. An occasional escort for some trade convoy. Most of the time, however, she spent tending to her family’s lands whenever Clovis again decided to sail to Essos on “business”. Whenever he overstayed, it was her duty to go and fetch him again.

Timeline

Family Tree

· Osric Redwyne, deceased, father
· Joanna Redwyne, 52, mother
o Clovis Redwyne, 31, brother - AC
o Olivia Redwyne, 26 - PC
o Lydia Redwyne, 21, cousin/half-sister
· Simon Redwyne, 55, uncle
· Lucas Redwyne, 52, uncle/step-father???

Supporting Characters

Samuel Bellamy – Master-at-Arms
Henry Avery – Ship Captain

Auxilary Character

Basic Information

Name and House: Clovis Redwyne
Age: 31
Cultural Group: Andal
Appearance: For lack of a better word, Clovis Redwyne looks very polite. He’s got the typical red Redwyne hair and blue eyes, along with soft curves to his face. He’s got a short beard which is just the result of him too often being too lazy to just shave properly. Along with that his cheeks also have a bit of a red tint to them as he is often at least a little inebriated. He is a bit taller than average and surprisingly fit considering his lifestyle, but that stems mostly from him just walking so damn much.
Trait: Numerate
Skill(s): Scrutinous, Broker, Apothecary
Talent(s): Sommelier, Merchant, dodging responsibilities
Negative Trait(s): -
Starting Title(s): Lord of the Arbor
Starting Location: opening feast
Alternate Characters: -

Biography

Clovis was born a few years before the conquest. He was the firstborn and heir of Osric Redwyne so, naturally, the man built up a very close bond with his son. Unfortunately, it did not take long for him to die. And while the young lordling still had a loving mother and two pretty cool uncles, he was still undeniably left with some deep-rooted emotional issues. Putting him in a castle with the largest wine reserves on the continent was never going to end well.
He was a bright kid, skilled with numbers writing, but while his younger sister was out sailing with her uncles, he was in the cellars getting absolutely steaming, shitfaced, three sheets to the wind, plastered, buckled, bollocksed, flutered, scuttered, rotten, tit-faced drunk. Many attempts were made to keep him sane and safe, but somehow, he always managed to get his hands on some wine to self-destruct with. Sometime during all this, someone in the family got the bright idea to arrange a marriage for him, hoping that a wife would somehow make him get his life back on track.
It backfired, and a week before the arranged wedding was to take place, Clovis and some of his friends got on board of a ship and fled Westeros. However, the journey did very soon become a big mess, as none of those present were skilled sailors and managed to get stranded somewhere near Volantis. Surprisingly, it was this event which put his life on A track, not the right track, but A track. He was still a Redwyne, and Wine was still in his blood, both figuratively and literally, so in Essos he found a use for his talents, by becoming a renowned wine merchant. He would travel from Free City to Free City, from vineyard to vineyard, tasting and trying and buying and selling some of the best and most interesting wines there were.
His renown even got him as far as the gates to the jade sea, where he was hired by a magister of Qarth to obtain wine for a feast the man planned to host. It is there that his younger sister eventually found him and brought him back to Westeros to actually be the Lord of the Arbor in more than just name.
With all being said, he was actually rather decent at the job too. Well, liked by his people, competent enough, and crucially, a very skilled wine merchant. A combination of these managed to bring a time of prosperity to the island province.
In the years which followed, he would still frequently travel to Essos but also to major wine-producing areas of Westeros to do the same thing he had done before: taste and try, buy and sell the best and most interesting wines out there.

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I've been working at Dollar tree since September 2023, I know I want to get 8 to 7 1/2 hours a week it's not Great but the job is a job, I wouldn't mind so much but the management isn't that great. Don't get me wrong I know I suck I know I'm bad worker, but sometimes I feel like I don't know. I can't have another customer yell at me cuz I can't make balloons because we have a line. I'm one write up away from getting fired because homeless people refuse to pay and I have a line so I just shut the register. Sometimes I'll even pretend to drop quarters or something so I won't end up short.
I did my taxes and I only got maybe $4,000 somthing the entire time I've worked there. I used to make $4,000 in a month at my old I used to make $4,000 in two months at my old job. I don't understand what other employees get more hours. I don't know. Maybe do just better workers, I'm trying to find a new job but I can't find any. You know what though the Thai Sriracha spicy shrimp ramen is really good.
I recently got into some medical Debt and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to afford anything now

Right now I am sitting on my chair. That’s just the introductory line. Where I am right now doesn’t matter. But so you know I've got my laptop before me and SLANDER - Love Is Gone via my headphones, my notes app is open to write about you, but the more I think about it, the harder it seems to write. So I’m not going to make anything up, I’m going to tell you what keeps me awake at night.
when I am just getting ready for relationships I am exploring, talking, and texting a lot of women out there, and you are one among them, never did I know that you would be the one closest to what I call my type of woman.
First of all, you are such a bad girl, you look pretty bad. You look beautiful…How perfect your body is. I wanted to talk to you like soo fucking bad, and for several months I used to stalk you and search for you in places where you are most often seen.
"Love" is dangerous, the last time I was in love it broke me and tore me apart, so I made sure I never fell in love without much consideration.
So I considered three phases before I fell in love with someone to start a relationship.
Phase 1: Chemistry/spark- this happens when you look at someone randomly at a party, it's the first impression. This is purely based on looks, you only approach someone if their looks are good, this is the first initiation process it depends on looks. Sometimes it's based on skills and talent. Chemistry happens with anyone it's not that special. but it's necessary to take things further.
I believe we have this chemistry or spark between us. we fuck each other with our eyes, I do enjoy this a lot. Your eyes are just awesome, I can look into them all day long, it's breathtaking.
Phase 2: The Connection- this is about the time spent together, over a period you see each other at parties, college, and hangouts. At this stage, you don't know each of you on a deeper level, but spend a lot of time together.
I made several attempts to get to know you better but you were always reluctant. I asked you if I could pick you up from your lab but you overlooked my messages. I tried to see you several times and talk to you in person, but you avoided it, I am not complaining but I respect your decision to ignore someone whom you dont like or dont have the mood to associate with in any regard. We never really had a connection, and My attempts to get to know you better failed miserably.
Phase 3: Compatibility - when you know you can take things to the next level with this person. You talk about your long-term goals and see if both of your goals and values align. Now you are ready to confess to her and ask her out.
we never really had a connection so there is no point in thinking about compatibility when there is no connection.
I remember when you spoke about how you wanted to get married at 28 lead a happy life as a government employee, and eventually end up as a homemaker. And I do respect how you want to live your life. Even my mom is a homemaker. I also believe that you are very talented and the fact that you wanted to settle for a government job is a much smaller target you kept for yourself since you are more capable of being a more independent and successful woman. You are ambitious, if you focus your energy in a direction you will become much more successful than you think. Just pick something that you love to do and keep doing it, You do have a great fashion sense, There were days I just wanted to come to Food Street to look at your outfit, have you ever thought of becoming a model? maybe on Instagram? you should consider having a public Instagram profile for yourself and upload content though you surely will rock.
Remember when I grabbed your hands to look at your watch? When I think about your sensual touch, the passion and desire I felt burned like a fucking fire within me. Sometimes the intense desire to hold you, just for the sheer joy of feeling you against me, is overwhelming. Sometimes I imagine going up against the wall with you or maybe I wanted my face between your legs. This is what keeps me up at night lol. But trust me my ultimate goal is to not have sex with you or kiss you or get physically intimate with you. I was physically intimate with a lot of women in the past without actually loving them, so it's baseless to just wanting someone for sex, when you can find any prostitute out there, I usually sexualize a lot about my crushes. What matters more to me are chemistry connection, and compatibility.
Everybody knows that I am deeply crushing on you but the thing is I never really rush into relationships. I am not desperate. Today I am just attracted to you but I never really love you in any regard, what I call you is "my crush".
I wish I could spend more time with you, which you didn't allow me to.
Even before I met you in person, I believed that I was out of your league, at least you made me feel like it by ghosting me. I am not complaining about it tho, because I know How I look.
I just wanted to tell you that if there is one thing that I am proud of about myself is that I know myself. So I know how I look. I wanted to let you know that

1. I am not sexy with my looks, you look much more sexier and hotter than me. So I know my position in your life, I am mindful of what I say to you, although I was never insecure about my looks whenever I am with you because I am working on myself and my skin it's a slow process. at least for me, I believe that I am good enough for anyone with my skills.
   
2. There are a lot of things that are sexy about me, which is something that very few people know, my friends and my family know how I am and what my personality is, how ambitious I am, and how big I dream, how well I speak, my skill sets, my maturity levels. You never know me as a person on a deeper level. Unfortunately, we never really spent time together to get to know each of us better since you were not interested in me in the first place, and I respect that opinion of you about me. Although you never really told me that you were not interested in me your actions do !!
   

After all my failed attempts to talk to you and get to know you better, I decided to move on from you because it's absolutely hopeless of me to think about someone, when they are not into me in any way, And the main reason of this email is to let you know that I really do enjoy when you look at me and fuck me with your eyes but it also gives me false hopes, why are you looking at me when you are not into me in any way?
Everyone's life is short I will keep moving on and explore other woman at college, and I don't want you to give me false hopes in any way. I really do respect you for who you are, My intention is not to accuse you of something, I really do love my life and I deserve someone who loves me and who invests their time in me like the way I do.
I hope you get that.

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

“What do you mean it’s wrong?” said Tamara, becoming frustrated with Samuel.
“I'm trying to tell you that plants do not eat earth. They just absorb nutrients from it,” Samuel replied, equally annoyed as this was the fourth time he had explained it. “Look, just take my word for it, OK,” he added.
“Fine, but you will have to explain it again,” Tamara retorted.
Samuel and Tamara were partners in a scientific study of their forest home. It was genuinely idyllic in every sense of the word; the trees stretched high into the sky, and everyone was covered in succulent leaves, a deep and gorgeous shade of green. Around their trunks were rings of flowers gathered from every continent, and a thick carpet of grass lay on the ground.
The two sat underneath a chestnut tree, writing up their findings for the day. It had focused mainly on tree sizes and growth rates, and they had continued this study for, on and off, almost a year.
Samuel turned to look at his assistant and found that she was just as remarkable as the day they had first met: golden locks, like living sunlight, tied neatly in a bun. Her eyes were an emerald green, and all in all, she was gorgeous. However, it was when you came to her waist that things became truly incredible because rather than a pair of legs, there was a long and wide snake’s tail.
It was huge, at least seven metres long and as wide as her torso. The scales were the same beautiful colour as her hair and reflected the sunlight in such a way that she appeared to glow. She was wearing an ultramarine tunic with a black diamond in the centre. She was like this not because of a plague, a curse or some mutation; Tamara was a Lamia; it was how she was born.
Samuel, on the other hand, looked far less impressive. He was around five foot ten, with dull brown hair and equally dull eyes. His stomach stuck out from the rest of him. No amount of exercise was able to get rid of it.
He was by every description a ‘dull as dishwater’ human. His clothes, however, were slightly more interesting. He wore a navy blue tunic with a thick leather belt wrapped around his waist. On his feet was a pair of excellent leather boots, able to withstand whatever the world threw at them and on his forearms and shins, he wore something Tamara had never seen or even heard of before: a pair of vambraces and greaves, Samuel called it armour.
Three strips of rugged leather layered on top of one another made up each piece, and between each layer was a collection of tiny metal beads. When Tamara asked what they were for, Samuel said they were for protection.
All of this would have been inconceivable to Samuel two years ago, but he had become used to it in time. Samuel was not born into this world; he had arrived. How? He did not know, but he remembered it all vividly; his senses had been overloaded, and at first, he believed he had died.
“What’s wrong?” Tamara asked Samuel, who had been silent for over a minute.
Samuel snapped out of his daydream and said: “nothing, just thinking about that day again.”
Tamara nodded and said nothing else; she knew exactly what was wrong.
Samuel went straight back to writing. When Samuel first showed up, there had been no paper or pens, but what was even stranger than the lack of these apparent necessities was that Samuel had had to invent both of these items.
Tamara and those like her did not possess a written language; they relied entirely on their memories, and until Samuel had shown up, Tamara had not even conceived of the notion, but she had picked it up astonishingly quickly.
“It still sounds like eating to me,” said Tamara, bringing the conversation back to the original topic.
“Well, it isn’t; eating requires a mouth and stomach,” Samuel replied.
“Says who?” Tamara asked defiantly.
“Says me,” Samuel answered.
Samuel jotted down the last of his notes and left the pages to dry in the sun. Samuel then turned to his right and looked at a large book, the size of a chair’s seat, bound in yellow leather and knotted by animal tendons. He picked it up and began to leaf through the pages.
His eyes glanced over paragraphs about oak trees and orchid flowers until he finally reached the section he sought; the page was titled Silver Birch (Betula Pendula).
“Have you finished the drawing on Silver Birch yet?” Samuel asked without looking.
Tamara was currently focused on a drawing of sunflowers, but she understood his request and, without looking up or saying a word, handed him the picture he wanted.
Samuel took the drawing and took several moments admiring it. Like all her work, the picture was astounding; not only did it look like an actual Silver Birch, but it also seemed to be alive, as though it would start blowing in the breeze.
Samuel punched four holes along the sheet's left side, undid the tendon strings and then attached the drawing behind the title page. He added eight more pages to his book, four of text and four illustrations.
Their work was now done; there was no more writing or drawing today, and he placed their work into a knapsack Tamara had brought with her. Samuel turned to his partner and asked: “so what do you want to do now?”
Tamara looked up through the canopy and could make out the silhouettes of several birds and finally said: “I’d quite like to fly.”
Samuel smiled, chuckled and said, “Yes, so would I, but that would require every member of the village working together for decades.”
Tamara looked Samuel in the eye and said: “are you making fun of me?”
Samuel did not reply; he just looked Tamara dead in the eye. She observed every minute twitch on Samuel's face and concluded he was not.
“How could a person fly?” She asked, suddenly intrigued.
“I don’t know, I’m not an engineer,” Samuel answered, “So apart from flying, what else do you want to do?”
Tamara let out a sigh and said: “I guess we will just have to walk.”
These were the moments Samuel lived for, just a quiet afternoon with his best friend enjoying a stroll; he was utterly content.
“You seem chipper,” Tamara said, noticing the growing smile on Samuel’s face.
“That’s because I feel chipper” he replied
They passed through the trees, heading towards their favourite spot, a beach by the side of a lake so large you could not see the other side.
“So, how is everyone?” Samuel said, trying to spark a conversation.
“You mean every single one because that could take a while?” Tamara replied.
“Let’s start with your mother” he clarified.
Tamara’s mother, Pancha, was more or less just a larger version of her daughter, just as brash and headstrong.
“She’s fine; she has finally stopped asking me what happened every time I come to meet you,” she said.
“Really, and it only took her two and a half years,” said Samuel with a smirk.
Yes, that first year here, had been a real trial. Samuel had never felt so scared, isolated and persecuted in his life. When he thought about it, he could still feel the fear and the hopelessness.
A gust of air slammed into Samuel’s face, bringing him back to the present, and what a wonderful time it was. The water was crystal clear, the beach was covered in sparkling white sand, and the distinct aroma of water wafted through the air. Samuel breathed it all in as Tamara spread herself over the beach.
The cooling breeze that Samuel found so enjoyable, Tamara found far less agreeable. Tamara was ectothermic or cold-blooded. She could not maintain her body temperature; she needed to absorb it from her environment, and the wind was slowly draining her.
“Comfortable down there?” Samuel asked.
Tamara turned her head, looked up at him and said: “Actually, yes, not as good as my bed, but still fine.”
Samuel left Tamara to her thermoregulation and strolled down to the water’s edge, “stay where I can see you!” Tamara called.
“Yes, MOM,” Samuel answered sarcastically, though he knew it was more for Tamara’s sake than his; she had a problem with open spaces.
Samuel closed his eyes, stretched his arms above his head, feeling his muscles strain against the tension, and yawned. Small tears formed in his eyes and wiped them away. He had only been up for a few hours but was ready for bed.
“Too much thinking, that was the problem,” Samuel mumbled to himself.
The sunlight sparkled on the water’s surface. It seemed as though millions of diamonds were suddenly brought into existence, danced for a few moments, and then vanished as quickly as they came. It was beautiful, just like everything else here.
He climbed up a rock that jutted from that sand and sat down, his legs dangling over the edge. As he kicked his legs, a ray of sun caught his greaves, and although the leather was rather dull, it still dazzled him.
Samuel heard a sound reminiscent of sandpaper brushing against wood, and he knew at once what it was. He waited four more seconds and said, without moving an inch, “Don’t even think about it!”
“How did you know?” Tamara asked, feeling simultaneously impressed, confused and disappointed.
Samuel looked her in the eye and replied: “who do you think you’re dealing with?”
Tamara had not clambered up the rock like Samuel; she had simply raised herself on her tail so she stood over two metres high.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked.
Tamara smiled and answered, “yes, thanks for asking.”
Tamara moved behind Samuel and then began to coil around the boulder, and if he had not experienced it all before, it would have been unnerving. Tamara was only twelve and a half, yet she was already far stronger than him. Samuel was sure if Tamara really wanted to, she could crush a bison to death. After the graceful dance around the stone, she sat down beside Samuel.
The pair was silent for a few minutes, except for a quick coughing fit by Samuel; they took in the unnatural beauty of their surroundings.
“Hey, I have a question,” said Tamara, coming back to her senses.
“What is it?” Samuel replied.
“You still haven’t told me why we are studying the forest?” She asked.
In an instant, Samuel became deeply confused. To him, it seemed all too obvious why they were doing it.
“There is no practical reason for doing it. We do it so that we know,” Samuel answered.
Tamara became silent. Samuel realised that she was deep in thought and decided to give her all the time she needed until she finally said: “Is this one of those human things?”
Samuel, upon hearing this, gave a small chuckle and answered: “yes, if you like.”
Suddenly, something caught Samuel’s eye. It was a crab, no bigger than a golf ball. Its back was powder blue, and it held its arms upright, its claws pointing down. The tiny creature would walk forward, scoop some sand into its mouth, and then leave a small pellet behind.
“Look at that!” said Samuel, nudging Tamara’s shoulder and pointing at the tiny crustacean. Tamara turned her head and looked directly at where he was pointing; she strained her eyes at what she thought was a pebble; she was about to climb down and collect it when it suddenly moved, and she squealed.
Tamara dragged the bottom end of her tail up from the beach and timidly said, “What’s that?”
Samuel remembered that tone of voice all too well, and it brought with it some unpleasant memories, but he pushed them to the back of his mind and said: “it’s a crab.”
Samuel was certain he had seen this type of crab before but could not put a name to the image. Samuel was sure he had read about them, watched a documentary, or attended a lecture, but he could not remember. Ultimately, he decided to drop it for now and see if the answer would come to him.
Tamara kept staring at it as though she believed it would pounce if she took her eyes off it for one second.
“Is it dangerous?” she asked, her voice hushed to ensure the creature did not notice her.
Samuel sighed and answered: “it’s a crab, Tamara, unless you happen to be a nematode then…”
Samuel paused mid-sentence as his brain finally connected the dots and asked, “Wait, you have never seen a crab before?”
This perplexed Samuel for a moment until he remembered that Tamara did not have a television, a car, and she could not fly a plane, so it was not unexpected that she would not know what a crab was.
Tamara shook her head in response to his question, and Samuel added: “you know what a woodlouse is, right?”
Tamara nodded and said, “I like woodlice.”
“Well, a crab is just a type of woodlouse that lives near water,” Samuel concluded.
However, he could tell from her face that she was unconvinced, so he got off the rock, walked over to the tiny creature, wary of its pincers, and picked it up by its backside.
“What are you doing?” Tamara called in alarm.
Samuel held the animal, its legs flailing wildly in an attempt to escape, and said, “showing you there is nothing to be worried about.”
Taking care not to crush it, Samuel clambered back up the rock and presented the animal to her. Tamara stared at it for some as the crab bobbed its eye up and down and tried in vain to find a part of Samuel it could nip.
“It’s actually kind of… cute,” Tamara said after two minutes of silence.
She relaxed her tail and let it rest on the beach once more. “Can it hold it?” She asked Samuel, fear being replaced by interest.
“Of course, you can. Just make sure you hold it by its back and be careful of the pincers; if they get you, it will hurt.”
Samuel handed the crab over to her and watched as Tamara began to inspect the animal from every angle. The crab had a white underbelly and purple joints.
“You think you could draw it from memory?” Samuel asked.
“Hmm?” Tamara replied. Samuel let out a sigh and repeated. After three more attempts, Tamara finally took notice and said, “Yes.”
Five minutes later, Samuel said, “we should probably put him back now.”
Tamara moaned about it, but Samuel said: “he has his own life, Tamara; you can’t keep him!”
She conceded, grumbling under her breath, and gently placed the animal back on the sand. As the crab dashed away, the two noticed that while they had been fixated on that single crab, thousands more had emerged on the beach.
Upon seeing the swarm of animals make their way across the beach, Tamara let out a squeal and once again pulled her tail up off the beach. The army of crabs marched along the shore. The collective walking produced a sound loud enough to hear from fifty metres away, and at last, Samuel remembered what they were and said, with no small amount of satisfaction in his voice, “they’re soldier crabs.”
“What are they going to do?” Tamara asked, concerned by the sudden appearance of so many creatures.
Samuel kept staring at the gathering, but he heard her question and replied, “They’re just feeding,” and added quickly, “But we are far too big for them.”
“That's odd,” Samuel said under his breath.
“I know there are so many of them,” Tamara said, deeply unnerved by the sheer vastness of the swarm.
“No,” Samuel said, “There should be this many of them; it’s where they are that is strange.”
Tamara momentarily took her eyes off the army and asked, “So where should they be.” There was a slight flicker of fear in her voice at the prospect of being invaded; rats and mice where bad enough. They did not need another pest.
“By the sea, not a freshwater lake,” he answered.
“The Sea?” Tamara almost yelled. Samuel was a little surprised by this enthusiasm and turned to face her.
“Yes,” he said.
“Have you ever been to the sea,” she asked.
“Yes, many times,” Samuel said, uncertain where this was going.
“I bet it’s wonderful,” Tamara added with a smile.
Samuel was silent as his brain connected a few dots and asked: “how can you know about the sea if you don’t know about crabs?”
She smiled; Tamara enjoyed it when she knew something that he did not, “there is a story that my mom told me that before we came to this forest, we were a different people that lived by the sea.” Tamara paused for a breath.
“But then humans came and drove us from the water, and we fled inland. Our people split into two. One half went to the mountains, and the other settled in the forest.”
Tamara finished and waited for his reply. Samuel, however, just kept looking at her. Tamara was concerned that she had upset him; he did not like it when humans were labelled as the enemy, yet his face and posture were not those of one who was sad or angry.
“You people blame us for everything, don’t you?” Samuel said with a chuckle.
“If there is a fire, it’s a human’s fault. If there is an earthquake, it’s a human’s fault. If a little Boreray boy drinks all their apple juice in one gulp, it’s a human’s fault.”
“So, getting back on topic, where did these “Soldier crabs” come from anyway? We have visited this lake for over two years and never seen even a glimpse?” Tamara asked. Samuel looked back to the slowly advancing army, and several ideas flashed through his head.
“Maybe they have been dormant up until now; perhaps they make a large circle around the lake shore, and it’s simply luck that we were here on the day they passed by, or maybe the migrated here from somewhere else.”
They watched the crabs' ceaseless march until Tamara said, “These things are still giving me the creeps. Can we go now?” Samuel could not argue that there was something eerie about all of these animals appearing, seemingly, from nowhere; however, there was still one thing he had to be certain of.
“You think you could draw one from memory?” he asked.
Tamara’s face contorted in a scowl. Samuel, for all his good points, could become far too focused on his research, which often caused him to become ignorant of other people.
Yet she knew sitting here yelling at him would accomplish nothing, so she told him the truth: “Yes, can we go now!” Samuel nodded and then slid off the rock. Tamara copied him, and they both slinked back to the cover of the trees.
Now that she was beneath the canopy, Tamara let out an enormous sigh of relief as the anxiety slowly left, and the close air warmed her body. On the other hand, Samuel began to chafe at the stagnant air while his head began to bead with sweat, but it was nothing he had not experienced before, so he gritted his teeth and bared with it.
With their plans now ruined, Tamara and Samuel wandered aimlessly through the woods, chatting about what they could do to fill the rest of the day. Several ideas arose, including visiting a nearby waterfall and a set of monument stones, but none truly appealed to them.
In the end, Tamara said, “how about we just call it a day?”
Samuel was happy about this. Tamara was his only form of human contact, yet he could not deny the pointlessness of wandering around the woods, so he said, “Ok, but let’s take the long way.”
Samuel heard a sound above him and saw a red squirrel scampering through the trees.
“Is it difficult?” Tamara asked.
Samuel looked at Tamara and replied, “Well, it can give me a crick in my neck sometimes.”
Tamara let out a short laugh and clarified, “No, I mean, is it difficult being so inquisitive? It looks exhausting.”
He was not entirely sure what she meant by that. To Samuel, Tamara was every bit as curious as him, so he stated: “you tell me, you went out looking for me just because you wanted to know.”
“True,” answered Tamara, “and everyone has always said that I am always asking questions, but you’re like a boar that just ate sugar beat.”
“I have no idea what that means,” Samuel said, shaking his head. “But I do know that people always told me, when I was a boy, that humans are, by their nature, infinitely curious, but personally, I think that it’s just how I was born.” there was a pause, and he quickly added, “just like you.”
Tamara’s fingers started to numb as she brushed them against the bark of passing trees. She took a good look at the trees around her. Tamara had lived her entire life sheltered by these trees. This place was her home, her family’s home and her friend’s home, and she loved it, a perfect example of the innate beauty of nature.
Samuel, however, was of a different opinion this forest disturbed him, though this feeling had diminished with time. The trees all grew in perfect symmetry, four and a half strides form each other.
From Tamara’s perspective, there was nothing strange about this, yet Samuel often said that this should not be possible, that the wood should be a mess and that the trees should grow in an unorganised fashion. Yet to Tamara, the idea of messy forests was just as impossible as a structured one was to him.
Noon came and went, and Samuel’s stomach began to rumble. His breakfast was becoming a distant memory; he thought he might be able to bear it for another hour or so, but as they travelled closer to the village, Tamara started to become irritated by Samuel’s constant growling.
“We need to find you something to eat before that sound drives me nuts!” Tamara stated bluntly.
“That’s all well and good, my dear, so long as you can materialise food out of the aether,” answered Samuel, with just a hint of condescension in his voice.
Tamara did not know what the aether was, but it did not matter. “No, but I do know a nearby tree with some great fruit in it,” she replied.
Samuel found this strange for two reasons. Firstly, he found it very difficult to believe there was a source of food in this forest that either he had not found, or Tamara had not told him about yet.
Secondly that, Tamara would know much about something she could not eat. Tamara was strictly carnivorous; she ate nothing but meat.
He wanted answers fast and asked: “So why haven’t you told me about this before?”
“Because I can’t stand the smell, that’s why, and I didn’t want you stinking up the place,” she explained.
“If it smells disgusting, what makes you think I will eat it?” he asked.
“Because the Boreray can’t get enough of it, some of them say that they taste like all the best parts of every fruit and vegetable we grow, which is a shame because they smell like all the worst,” she added.
He asked no more questions. He was too busy thinking; this fruit sounded so familiar, but he could not remember. The need to survive day in day out had pushed most of his standard learning, from school and university to the back of his mind, not forgotten mind you just buried.
I'm back with Tamara and Samuel latest adventure. If you like what you've read so far and want to know where it's going you can find the complete story by following the links below.
e-book(US/UK/CA/AU/DE)
Physical(US/UK/CA/DE)
If you do decide to read ahead please leave a review or rating, every single one helps immensely, and helps me keep doing what I'm doing.
Also the e-book will be at a reduced price until the last chapter it published on reddit.

[F4A] Genres and Fandoms!
Hello again! I’m not sure if you’ve seen my other posts about a fandom roleplay but this one is gonna be about any roleplay in general, fandoms included. This’ll be pretty detailed and I’ll let you know the parts if you want to skip ahead (I suggest you don’t). If you don’t wanna read all of this, then don’t. This was made for people willing to read blocks of paragraphs and maybe even respond with their own.
INTRODUCTION
My name is Hina. To know more about me, I hail from Japan and I have been an avid writer ever since I moved to the States when I was 11. My second language is English but I believe it’s been pretty good. I recently turned 22 years old and I'm female. Talking about age, I would be comfortable with you being 17+ and preferably at least 20. Roleplaying with minors isn’t a big thing for me, I apologize. I’m in the west coast, PST timezone. Let’s see.. What other information can I give you? I would say I enjoy skating, basketball, watching tv shows and anime, and reading. My favorite anime is Nana and Death Note.
GENRES + FANDOM
I am not looking for a specific roleplay. I would say i’m skilled in all genres. Sci-fi, fantasy, horror, apocalypse. All of that. Even slice of life, though that depends on what type of plot exactly. To be more specific on each genre, starting off with fantasy, I'm more used to high fantasy and mythology. I’m not that great with medieval, unfortunately. DnD based role plays aren’t really fit for me and I struggle playing with species like ogres. Just putting that out here. For fantasy, I don’t have any specific ideas.
Sci-fi is the genre I have more skill in. Most of my roleplays are based off of them! Specifically, I’m fine with all subgenres of that.
For other genres like horror and apocalypse, I do have some taste. I really like monsters and creepy things from the horror genre like vampires and all of that and I even have my own idea set up in older times dealing with vampire lords and hunters and all of that. I also enjoy eldritch type horror. I also like that one sun genre of it, like video game horror? I’m not sure how to describe it. I also forgot if it even has an official name or if it’s just something used to describe the horror genre. I like Resident Evil, so maybe that’ll tell you the type of horror I usually enjoy. I do have a developed idea of something more eldritch horror.
More on fandoms! To get some other things down, I usually only play OC unless the character you want me to play is one I know more about and I'm more comfortable playing. The fandoms I like in the more anime way are Jojo’s, Nana, Death Note, JJK, AOT, Haikyuu, and probably more. I’m well versed in the Jojo’s, Aot, and JJK fandoms but less knowledgeable on Death Note since i’ve only seen it once. Other fandoms i’m in include ATLA, TLOK, Harry Potter, Resident Evil, Marvel, DC, and many more.
CHARACTERS
I tend to use character sheets to describe my character, these usually consist of names, background, and personality. More so on appearances, I prefer using animated or drawn references than real life people. I enjoy good enough references where I get the idea of how the character would look like.
The types of characters I write are either the lone wolf type that has some sad past which leads them to want to join someone for a redemption arc or the bubbly character who is the one that brings the mood up and is usually seen as trustworthy and of that kind.
I like all types of tropes, especially enemies to lovers or rivalry. I also really enjoy opposites attract as a whole from either opposite personality or something else they would be opposites in. Enemies to lovers takes my heart, though. I love seeing the characters go past the urge to ultimately hate each other and/or go past their usual way of disliking the others lineage or upcoming.
REQUIREMENT
I think this is my last paragraph on the roleplay. It’s the most important, at least. Requirements. All roleplay searches come with them. Or at least that’s what I heard! But don’t fret, there isn’t much.
I’ve seen this as one of the most used requirements, and I agree with it. As someone who’s first language wasn’t English, I understand that you may not be great at it. But please, I do require a partner that at least has proper use of grammar and punctuation. You don’t even have to use big words or anything, just at least know where to put your periods and the placement of your words.
My second requirement is for you to be LITERATE! Please. I’m a big writer, I tend to ramble on and tend to write more than what I thought I would. (like i’m doing right now) I write multiple paragraphs from the starter until the scene relaxes. I also understand that sometimes writing big blocks of words every response is tiring or boring so I don’t expect it all the time, at least after the starter has been made and in more important scenes. Dialogue also cuts my replies shorter.
Please please please be polite in OOC! We may just be role playing together but kindness goes all ways. If we do include OOC, I enjoy talking about many things. My day, movies, games, funny moments and stories, all of that!
I think that’s the end to this wonderful journey of an ad about my search. I hope you are still here, fellow writer! I would LOVE it if you reached out to me! This wasn’t all for nothing, right!
But don’t leave yet! I do have a passcode. I know this was a jumble of words and rambling but I still have to put one in. I heard that there’s a lot of people on here that don’t read things fully and miss out on rules or information! But.. Just because you read through this all, I’ll gladly give you options on the passcode! Also please put in an introduction of yourself! Don’t think “Oh maybe I shouldn’t bother this person with too much to read”! I like seeing big blocks.
PASSCODE:
What’s your dream country to travel to and why?
OR
Who’s your favorite TV show / Cartoon / Game / Anime character?
Feel free to pick both! Now, that’s all from me. Please don’t put your request as just “Wanna rp”!

• H 💕

[F4A] Genres and Fandoms!
Hello again! I’m not sure if you’ve seen my other posts about a fandom roleplay but this one is gonna be about any roleplay in general, fandoms included. This’ll be pretty detailed and I’ll let you know the parts if you want to skip ahead (I suggest you don’t). If you don’t wanna read all of this, then don’t. This was made for people willing to read blocks of paragraphs and maybe even respond with their own.
INTRODUCTION
My name is Hina. To know more about me, I hail from Japan and I have been an avid writer ever since I moved to the States when I was 11. My second language is English but I believe it’s been pretty good. I recently turned 22 years old and I'm female. Talking about age, I would be comfortable with you being 17+ and preferably at least 20. Roleplaying with minors isn’t a big thing for me, I apologize. I’m in the west coast, PST timezone. Let’s see.. What other information can I give you? I would say I enjoy skating, basketball, watching tv shows and anime, and reading. My favorite anime is Nana and Death Note.
GENRES + FANDOM
I am not looking for a specific roleplay. I would say i’m skilled in all genres. Sci-fi, fantasy, horror, apocalypse. All of that. Even slice of life, though that depends on what type of plot exactly. To be more specific on each genre, starting off with fantasy, I'm more used to high fantasy and mythology. I’m not that great with medieval, unfortunately. DnD based role plays aren’t really fit for me and I struggle playing with species like ogres. Just putting that out here. For fantasy, I don’t have any specific ideas.
Sci-fi is the genre I have more skill in. Most of my roleplays are based off of them! Specifically, I’m fine with all subgenres of that.
For other genres like horror and apocalypse, I do have some taste. I really like monsters and creepy things from the horror genre like vampires and all of that and I even have my own idea set up in older times dealing with vampire lords and hunters and all of that. I also enjoy eldritch type horror. I also like that one sun genre of it, like video game horror? I’m not sure how to describe it. I also forgot if it even has an official name or if it’s just something used to describe the horror genre. I like Resident Evil, so maybe that’ll tell you the type of horror I usually enjoy. I do have a developed idea of something more eldritch horror.
More on fandoms! To get some other things down, I usually only play OC unless the character you want me to play is one I know more about and I'm more comfortable playing. The fandoms I like in the more anime way are Jojo’s, Nana, Death Note, JJK, AOT, Haikyuu, and probably more. I’m well versed in the Jojo’s, Aot, and JJK fandoms but less knowledgeable on Death Note since i’ve only seen it once. Other fandoms i’m in include ATLA, TLOK, Harry Potter, Resident Evil, Marvel, DC, and many more.
CHARACTERS
I tend to use character sheets to describe my character, these usually consist of names, background, and personality. More so on appearances, I prefer using animated or drawn references than real life people. I enjoy good enough references where I get the idea of how the character would look like.
The types of characters I write are either the lone wolf type that has some sad past which leads them to want to join someone for a redemption arc or the bubbly character who is the one that brings the mood up and is usually seen as trustworthy and of that kind.
I like all types of tropes, especially enemies to lovers or rivalry. I also really enjoy opposites attract as a whole from either opposite personality or something else they would be opposites in. Enemies to lovers takes my heart, though. I love seeing the characters go past the urge to ultimately hate each other and/or go past their usual way of disliking the others lineage or upcoming.
REQUIREMENT
I think this is my last paragraph on the roleplay. It’s the most important, at least. Requirements. All roleplay searches come with them. Or at least that’s what I heard! But don’t fret, there isn’t much.
I’ve seen this as one of the most used requirements, and I agree with it. As someone who’s first language wasn’t English, I understand that you may not be great at it. But please, I do require a partner that at least has proper use of grammar and punctuation. You don’t even have to use big words or anything, just at least know where to put your periods and the placement of your words.
My second requirement is for you to be LITERATE! Please. I’m a big writer, I tend to ramble on and tend to write more than what I thought I would. (like i’m doing right now) I write multiple paragraphs from the starter until the scene relaxes. I also understand that sometimes writing big blocks of words every response is tiring or boring so I don’t expect it all the time, at least after the starter has been made and in more important scenes. Dialogue also cuts my replies shorter.
Please please please be polite in OOC! We may just be role playing together but kindness goes all ways. If we do include OOC, I enjoy talking about many things. My day, movies, games, funny moments and stories, all of that!
I think that’s the end to this wonderful journey of an ad about my search. I hope you are still here, fellow writer! I would LOVE it if you reached out to me! This wasn’t all for nothing, right!
But don’t leave yet! I do have a passcode. I know this was a jumble of words and rambling but I still have to put one in. I heard that there’s a lot of people on here that don’t read things fully and miss out on rules or information! But.. Just because you read through this all, I’ll gladly give you options on the passcode! Also please put in an introduction of yourself! Don’t think “Oh maybe I shouldn’t bother this person with too much to read”! I like seeing big blocks.
PASSCODE:
What’s your dream country to travel to and why?
OR
Who’s your favorite TV show / Cartoon / Game / Anime character?
Feel free to pick both! Now, that’s all from me. Please don’t put your request as just “Wanna rp”!

• H 💕

[F4A] Genres and Fandoms!
Hello again! I’m not sure if you’ve seen my other posts about a fandom roleplay but this one is gonna be about any roleplay in general, fandoms included. This’ll be pretty detailed and I’ll let you know the parts if you want to skip ahead (I suggest you don’t). If you don’t wanna read all of this, then don’t. This was made for people willing to read blocks of paragraphs and maybe even respond with their own.
INTRODUCTION
My name is Hina. To know more about me, I hail from Japan and I have been an avid writer ever since I moved to the States when I was 11. My second language is English but I believe it’s been pretty good. I recently turned 22 years old and I'm female. Talking about age, I would be comfortable with you being 17+ and preferably at least 20. Roleplaying with minors isn’t a big thing for me, I apologize. I’m in the west coast, PST timezone. Let’s see.. What other information can I give you? I would say I enjoy skating, basketball, watching tv shows and anime, and reading. My favorite anime is Nana and Death Note.
GENRES + FANDOM
I am not looking for a specific roleplay. I would say i’m skilled in all genres. Sci-fi, fantasy, horror, apocalypse. All of that. Even slice of life, though that depends on what type of plot exactly. To be more specific on each genre, starting off with fantasy, I'm more used to high fantasy and mythology. I’m not that great with medieval, unfortunately. DnD based role plays aren’t really fit for me and I struggle playing with species like ogres. Just putting that out here. For fantasy, I don’t have any specific ideas.
Sci-fi is the genre I have more skill in. Most of my roleplays are based off of them! Specifically, I’m fine with all subgenres of that.
For other genres like horror and apocalypse, I do have some taste. I really like monsters and creepy things from the horror genre like vampires and all of that and I even have my own idea set up in older times dealing with vampire lords and hunters and all of that. I also enjoy eldritch type horror. I also like that one sun genre of it, like video game horror? I’m not sure how to describe it. I also forgot if it even has an official name or if it’s just something used to describe the horror genre. I like Resident Evil, so maybe that’ll tell you the type of horror I usually enjoy. I do have a developed idea of something more eldritch horror.
More on fandoms! To get some other things down, I usually only play OC unless the character you want me to play is one I know more about and I'm more comfortable playing. The fandoms I like in the more anime way are Jojo’s, Nana, Death Note, JJK, AOT, Haikyuu, and probably more. I’m well versed in the Jojo’s, Aot, and JJK fandoms but less knowledgeable on Death Note since i’ve only seen it once. Other fandoms i’m in include ATLA, TLOK, Harry Potter, Resident Evil, Marvel, DC, and many more.
CHARACTERS
I tend to use character sheets to describe my character, these usually consist of names, background, and personality. More so on appearances, I prefer using animated or drawn references than real life people. I enjoy good enough references where I get the idea of how the character would look like.
The types of characters I write are either the lone wolf type that has some sad past which leads them to want to join someone for a redemption arc or the bubbly character who is the one that brings the mood up and is usually seen as trustworthy and of that kind.
I like all types of tropes, especially enemies to lovers or rivalry. I also really enjoy opposites attract as a whole from either opposite personality or something else they would be opposites in. Enemies to lovers takes my heart, though. I love seeing the characters go past the urge to ultimately hate each other and/or go past their usual way of disliking the others lineage or upcoming.
REQUIREMENT
I think this is my last paragraph on the roleplay. It’s the most important, at least. Requirements. All roleplay searches come with them. Or at least that’s what I heard! But don’t fret, there isn’t much.
I’ve seen this as one of the most used requirements, and I agree with it. As someone who’s first language wasn’t English, I understand that you may not be great at it. But please, I do require a partner that at least has proper use of grammar and punctuation. You don’t even have to use big words or anything, just at least know where to put your periods and the placement of your words.
My second requirement is for you to be LITERATE! Please. I’m a big writer, I tend to ramble on and tend to write more than what I thought I would. (like i’m doing right now) I write multiple paragraphs from the starter until the scene relaxes. I also understand that sometimes writing big blocks of words every response is tiring or boring so I don’t expect it all the time, at least after the starter has been made and in more important scenes. Dialogue also cuts my replies shorter.
Please please please be polite in OOC! We may just be role playing together but kindness goes all ways. If we do include OOC, I enjoy talking about many things. My day, movies, games, funny moments and stories, all of that!
I think that’s the end to this wonderful journey of an ad about my search. I hope you are still here, fellow writer! I would LOVE it if you reached out to me! This wasn’t all for nothing, right!
But don’t leave yet! I do have a passcode. I know this was a jumble of words and rambling but I still have to put one in. I heard that there’s a lot of people on here that don’t read things fully and miss out on rules or information! But.. Just because you read through this all, I’ll gladly give you options on the passcode! Also please put in an introduction of yourself! Don’t think “Oh maybe I shouldn’t bother this person with too much to read”! I like seeing big blocks.
PASSCODE:
What’s your dream country to travel to and why?
OR
Who’s your favorite TV show / Cartoon / Game / Anime character?
Feel free to pick both! Now, that’s all from me. Please don’t put your request as just “Wanna rp”!

• H 💕

I live in a suburb of Charlotte, NC in a little town called Monroe. The establishment I frequent has been berated by Southern religious groups for the past three years. The establishment serves everyone they host Drag Shows, Latin dance nights trivia. The restaurant / Superette has a good following good employees that care about the community. For the past 3 years on drag show nights the protesters would come out and protest in front of the establishment. At first the shows were all ages. These protesters would berate the patrons of the establishment and yell at young children as their parents brought them to the show. One of the protesters would be the future mayor of the city. The drag, queens and kings would wear nice gowns tuxedos beautiful dresses and feel free to show off their hard work. The the kings and queens would never wear lingerie speedo or anything that is deemed inappropriate for children. There would be some lewd jokes and that sort of nature. The establishment had to change from all ages to 18 and up. Once the restaurant /establishment went from all ages to 18 and up for the drag shows. The protesters kept on coming and eventually they all stopped. So the protesters would take pictures of children with their parents and post them on social media websites. So as a joke, one of the owners of the establishment took pictures of the protesters. They Photoshop out what the protesters were saying on the Posters. The signs would eventually say eat at this restaurant I like hamburgers stuff The signs would eventually say eat at this restaurant I like hamburgers and of that nature.
So fast-forward to just now recently in the past couple of months, the protesters are suing the establishment for using their likeness. So now the establishment has a counter suit. Against the protesters group and their leader. The establishment needs a lot of help to fight the fascist pigs. The establishment has created a GoFundMe to help for the legal battle against the protesters.
I would like to know if I should write about this on another sub Reddit like the lgbt community. I just want to draw as much attention to this group.
I didn’t post the name of the restaurant or their website because I don’t know if it’s allowed in this community. If I’m allowed to post the name of this establishment and their website, I would post it in the comment section.
Thanks everyone sorry for the long read and I know my grammar is not correct.

My Life's Journey: Overcoming Challenges

Introduction

My whole life, I've been rejected. People don't see my potential. I've wasted a lot of time in my life. Currently, I have only 40 euros in my bank account. This is one of my darkest moments. Please don't pity me. It's not the fault of others; it's my fault. I make poor decisions every day, and now I am facing the consequences. Sitting in the dark, isolated, without money, I don't enjoy life. But what I have are books and education. Last week, I had only 10 euros in my account. I felt stressed all over my body; I was spending the last 10 euros in the supermarket on basic needs. Not having enough money is horrible, but it is not the end.

Books and Education

Some books about money and teaching yourself to disconnect from everything have helped me enormously. I've learned that stress is an illusion of fear and uncertainty. I've taught myself to be unattached from many things. Consider this: if you love your mother too much, the blow of her death will be too much, making you never function again. So, love your mother, father, etc., but not too much. Do fun things with them, but remember, the circle of life means it comes and goes. Similarly, with money—when I had only 10 euros, I was stressed. I have no job now and am isolated. I've learned that money is an illusion and that you make your own choices to the point where you've ended up. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the same chances in the world.

Life's Unfairness and Moving Forward

That's why I live with the idea that life is unfair, but you can make it a little better. Because every improvement, no matter where you come from, is what everyone wants. Some people are born in countries where opportunities are plentiful; others are not. But ultimately, we must not sit still; acceptance and progress will help you move forward.

My Resolution

I don't need pity; I am a victim of my own choices. The monster inside me has destroyed me as a hopeless, pitiful person. My posture is bad, my bank account is low, and yet, despite all the negatives, a few books and a goal have shown me the light. I am going to take you on a journey of someone who is down but understands that there are many people who are even lower and in war.

My Goal and Challenge

Although I currently don't have money for a gym or luxury courses, I have done some things smartly. I can only tell you, always think 360 degrees. Don't look for one teacher but two. My goal is to become a full-stack programmer and to be a fit human being with good posture—no nerd neck, forward shoulder or hunchback—and of course, healthy food, brain food, gut food, hydration, and muscles. I want to challenge myself and show the world that on this day, May 15th, 2024, this pitiful man who has made many wrong decisions will transform into a beacon of light and perseverance. I am going to show you that an outcast can achieve this. You only live once, and time comes only once. There is only one May 15th, 2024, 6 AM, and once the minute passes, we cannot go back.

Programming Path and Financial Discipline

Now that I am poor, I keep a detailed Excel sheet that monitors my finances and a visual dashboard of my financial life, which currently looks red and very bleak.

Detailed Plan:

1. **Starting Point:** I managed to get the GitHub Student Pack. Being poor has made me creative. I have found some courses through various means. My path focuses first on HTML, CSS, and Javascript.
2. **Initial Learning:** I recommend taking notes during lessons, either on pen and paper or a digital tablet. Writing helps you remember more than not doing so.

**The Path:**

1. Begin with Scrimba.com (From GitHub student, you get 1 month free; because I am poor, I must complete HTML, CSS, and JavaScript in that month, meaning full attention and free days as time is limited in this case).

2 Move on to Advanced CSS by Jonas Schedtmann on Udemy.
3 Then, I will start all over again with Angela Yu's Udemy bootcamp. She explains well and comes from a non-IT technical background, which provides a good perspective.
4.After Angela, I will go to Colt Steele to learn good concepts again and some different tips and tricks.

1. After Colt Steele, I will go to FrontEndMasters to learn all the professional tips and tricks from people who have actually worked in the industry. I will start with FrontEndMasters last because it is very technical and not really an educational experience. FrontEndMasters is ideal last to professionalize any trained knowledge and possibly unlearn incorrect methods. You get 6 months free with the GitHub Student Pack.

6.After FrontEndMasters, it's time to earn money as a freelancer.

1. When I have some money, I will access more expensive courses.
   
2. I plan to start with [Josh W Comeau's courses](https://www.joshwcomeau.com/courses/) to elevate my CSS skills to a higher level.
   
3. Then, I will improve my JavaScript skills with the [Ultimate Next.js course on JS Mastery](https://www.jsmastery.pro/ultimate-next-course#pricing). Learning from multiple perspectives is essential to truly understand and master a subject.
   

10.. Follow up with [Kevin Powell's courses](https://www.kevinpowell.co/courses/) to further enhance my CSS skills.

1. Utilize [Frontend Mentor Pro](https://www.frontendmentor.io/pro) for extensive practice through assignments and exercises.
   
2. My ongoing task will be to continue practicing, working on projects, and staying up-to-date with the industry.
   

This Path is not fixed, because there can be along the way changes, but in general I keep to stay on this Path. Ofcourse after this path is time for the Object Programming, Software developer Path. So then I will search to Computer Science. I'm not an academic, but I am a academic of poorness and of life:)

The Five Fundamental Needs:

1. **Physical Well-being** (Nutrition, Sleep, Hygiene & Nature)
2. **Social Connection** (Relationships, Neutrality, Acceptance, Openness, Collaboration, Freedom, Love, Solutions, Empathy & Communication)
3. **Physical Activity** (Exercise, Cardio, Strength Training, Yoga, Flexibility, Self-defense, Team Sports, Balance & Stability)
4. **Mental Enrichment** (Education, Philosophy, Religion, Purpose, Spirituality, Creativity & Problem-Solving Thinking)
5. **Emotional Well-being** (Happiness, Enjoyment, Letting Go, Grief, Meditation, Relaxation, Self-care, Emotional Intelligence & Self-acceptance)

Financial Discipline and Personal Development

Besides programming, I will practice financial discipline by maintaining an extensive Excel sheet to monitor my finances closely. This will help me manage my funds better and avoid previous mistakes. Additionally, I will work on being physically fit, developing strong muscles, and improving my posture and sleep 7–9 hours. If you want to achieve life and things better you need to master 5 basic of life
Your plan seems well-structured to avoid the common pitfalls of "tutorial hell." By moving from basic concepts to more advanced applications and integrating different learning platforms and instructors, you're setting yourself up for a comprehensive learning experience. Here's why your plan is likely effective:

1. **Variety of Learning Sources**: You’re planning to use multiple resources (Scrimba, Udemy, FrontEndMasters, etc.), which helps prevent the tunnel vision that can occur when relying on just one type of tutorial or instructor.
   
2. **Incremental Complexity**: Your plan builds complexity gradually. Starting with basic HTML, CSS, and JavaScript and moving up to more advanced topics allows you to solidify foundational knowledge before tackling harder concepts.
   
3. **Practical Application**: By planning to work as a freelancer and tackle real-world projects, you ensure that you're applying what you learn in practical, tangible ways. This application of knowledge helps solidify learning and develop practical skills.
   
4. **Reflection and Adaptation**: You’ve outlined a path that includes revisiting concepts with different teachers, which can provide new perspectives and reinforce learning. This is crucial for understanding subjects deeply and from multiple viewpoints.
   
5. **Continuous Improvement**: Your approach includes ongoing learning even after formal courses, suggesting that you plan to stay updated and continuously improve, which is vital in the fast-evolving field of technology.
   

By focusing on a mixture of learning, applying, and revisiting concepts with varied resources and real-world practice, your plan strategically avoids the stagnation associated with "tutorial hell." It promotes active learning and continual growth, which are key to mastering software development.
There can always be a tutorial hell indeed I'm aware.

Conclusion ( I give update every 2 months)

You can react, positive and negative that is good balance is good. But I don't want to have my energy in discussions. As I beginner is important to start and don't focus on what other say. I have my teachers team now, and I will let you know, because I believe in balance, if it was a tutorial hell, or have critize on my own plan. So for now I'm offline and will visit this in 60 days.
I believe this path, with its varied teachers and multiple perspectives, will provide a well-rounded education. Each instructor brings something unique, and at Frontend Masters, I'll have a team of instructors who help me view things from a comprehensive 360-degree perspective. This approach not only applies to programming but also to managing my finances and personal health. I will make these areas a priority, ensuring I not only become a skilled programmer but also lead a balanced and healthy life.Remember, you only have one life, one time, to decide what you want. I've worked customer support roles, I've been a cleaner, I've been a demolisher. Some people enjoy this work, others do not. This has shown me that I no longer want to do work that fits my identity, that I don't want to work 8 hours a day on something and have my life go out like a night candle. The power is that you can choose, you just need courage and steadfastness. Because there are millions of people who enjoy their jobs, as opposed to billions who are stuck in the drudgery of life. Ask yourself, do I want to keep doing things that don't suit me? Go for your goals, learn from misery, don't end up thinking you can't do it. Because when we are dead, we don't know if we come back, or if God gives us heaven or hell, or if it is completely dark. Think about that, that you will close your eyes and have lived your life through your own shortcomings because you sit defeated.

(I’m generally a non-musician but) I can’t fathom how people can listen to even a simple song like Happy Birthday and write out the sheet music for it without trial and error.
For example, on the third “birthday” of Happy Birthday it goes up a full octave. How could someone hear that and know that it’s 12 half steps instead of, for example, 11? That’s distinguishing between a 100% increase in frequency and a ~90% increase in frequency, which seems superhuman to me. Is that just something that people smarter than me can do? Thanks!

If this content is something you want to see more of, comments below will be taken into consideration as we prepare to start finding the open submissions for a variety of writing and artwork competitions. If it's of no interest, let us know that too! This is YOUR subreddit!
Seeking Submissions for Poetry Chapbook Prize
Deadline: December 31, 2023
The winner of The Headlight Review’s 2024 Poetry Chapbook Prize Contest will receive publication (a perfectly bound book with a full color or black/white cover), an award of $500, and 25 copies of the book. A list of finalists will be announced sixty days after the close of submissions. All manuscripts will be judged blindly. The finalists who make it through the first round will be judged by esteemed poet Valerie A. Smith.
2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction
Deadline: December 31, 2023
The 2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction will be awarded to an outstanding, unpublished collection of short stories. Reading Fee: $30. Award: $1,000 cash advance, publication, and 53 copies. To Enter: Submit online with Submittable or by mail from September 1–December 31, 2023. Press 53 short fiction editor Claire V. Foxx will serve as the only judge. Winner and finalists announced by May 1, 2024; advance review copies sent to major reviewers and outlets; publication in May 2025.
Complete details at www.Press53.com/award-for-short-fiction.
After Happy Hour Contest (Theme: Animals)
Deadline: February 15, 2024
For this year’s contest, we want submitters to go wild—or domesticated, or sentient, or whatever other form of beastly you’re feeling. Submissions should feature some kind of animal that is integral to the story. Note that this doesn’t need to be a real animal—it could be a cryptid, a hybrid, or a human-to-animal transformation. Each $10 contest entry covers 1 short story, creative nonfiction piece, or suite, or up to 3 individual poems or flash prose pieces. Winners receive publication and a cash prize determined as a percentage of total entry fees (full details are on our website).
The swamp pink Prizes in Fiction, Nonfiction, & Poetry
Deadline: January 31, 2024
Formerly known as the Crazyhorse Prizes, the swamp pink Prizes award $2,000 and publication to a story, essay, and poem. From January 1 to 31, submit a story or essay of up to 25 pages or a set of 1–3 poems via Submittable. Judges for each genre can be viewed on our website. The entry fee is $20; all entries will be considered for publication. swamppink.submittable.com/submit
2024 Bill Hickok Humor Award Deadline: February 28, 2024
I-70 Review announces the Bill Hickok Humor Award for a poem. The winner receives $1,000, and the poem will appear in I-70 Review 2024. Submit one to three poems with a $15 entry fee to i70review@gmail.com. Reading period: Jan 1 to Feb 28. No submissions before January 1. Submissions will be eligible for publication in I-70 Review. The judge is Alice Friman.
For more info visit i70review.fieldinfoserv.com.
The Orison Prizes in Poetry & Fiction
Deadline: April 4, 2024
The 2024 Orison Prizes in Poetry & Fiction offer $1,500 and publication by Orison Books for a full-length manuscript in each genre. Judges: Ellen Bass (poetry), Kaveh Akbar (fiction). Entry fee: $25. Entry period: December 1, 2023–April 1, 2024. For complete guidelines visit orisonbooks.com/submissions.
2024 Colorado Prize for Poetry
$2,500 honorarium and book publication: Submit book-length collection of poems to the 2024 Colorado Prize for Poetry by January 14, 2024 (we will observe a 5-day grace period). $25 reading fee (add $3 to submit online) includes subscription to Colorado Review. Final judge is Brenda Shaughnessy; friends and students (current or former) of the judge are not eligible to compete, nor are Colorado State University employees, students, or alumni. Complete guidelines at coloradoprize.colostate.edu or Colorado Prize for Poetry, Center for Literary Publishing, 9105 Campus Delivery, Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO 80523-9105.
Burnside Review Press Contest
Manuscripts of 50-100 pages of poetry will be accepted until December 31, 2023. Arda Collins will judge. The winning book will be published by Burnside Review Press in 2025. The author will receive a $1,000 prize, plus ten copies of the book. A $25 entry fee must be paid at the time of submission. Contest entrants will receive one Burnside Review Press title. The editors may select an additional manuscript from the submission pool for publication.
Visit www.burnsidereview.org for complete guidelines.
2024 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing
Deadline: January 31, 2024
Submissions are now being accepted for the 11th Saroyan Prize. The awards, co-sponsored by Stanford Libraries and the William Saroyan Foundation, are intended to encourage new or emerging writers and honor the Saroyan legacy of originality, vitality, and stylistic innovation. Two prizes of $5,000 each are given for works of fiction and nonfiction. Writers who have published four books or more are ineligible. Submit five copies of your work published between January 1, 2022, and December 31, 2023, with a $50 entry fee by January 31, 2024. Visit our website for complete eligibility and submission details: saroyanprize.sites.stanford.edu.
Interim Poetics: The Test Site Poetry Prize Deadline: December 15, 2023
Interim will choose two winning books for the series—one title publicized as the winner of The Test Site Poetry Series and the other as the Betsy Joiner Flanagan Award in Poetry. Both winners will receive a $1,000 award and their books will be published by the University of Nevada Press. Submit by December 15, 2023. www.interimpoetics.org/test-site-poetry-series
Driftwood Press In-House Contests + Additional Submission Opportunities
Deadline: January 15, 2024 (In-House Contests)
Driftwood Press is happy to share a plethora of submission opportunities for writers and artists! Our In-House Short Fiction & Poem Contests, in which every work submitted is considered for publication as winner or runner-up, is ending soon! For our yearly print anthology, we are looking for poems, short stories, comics, and visual art that will wow our readers with innovative language and strong craft. We are a paying market, and our published writers also get to take part in bespoke interviews about their work! Driftwood is also on the hunt for amazing book-length titles to grow our catalogue, so if you have a novella, poetry collection, comic collection, or graphic novel manuscript, we would love to read it! Visit us here for our Submittable page, and we encourage you to follow us on social media (@driftwoodpress) to learn about even more submission opportunities!
The Twin Bill’s Second Annual Baseball Lit Contest
Deadline: December 30, 2023
The Twin Bill, a baseball literary journal, is open for submissions for their annual contest for best baseball fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. The winner in each category will receive $100 and an engraved baseball trophy. The runners-up will receive $50 and will be published in our January 31 issue. Each piece will be professionally illustrated. Contest submissions are $10 and will be considered for both the contest and the Opening Day issue. thetwinbill.com/submissions/