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NADH testing and the Karen Read Blood Alcohol Mystery
u/Upper_Canada_Pango
June 8, 2024
TL; DR
The commonwealth’s estimate of Karen Read’s blood alcohol range is not forensically suitable and should be disregarded by the jury due to all sorts of reasonable doubt.
Introduction
I am not a lab tech, biologist or other sort of expert on human metabolism or toxicology. I do, however, have some education in organic chemistry and a practical understanding of some aspects of anatomy, physiology, biology and pharmacology. For those in the healthcare field that are offended by my deviations from APA formatting, please forgive me: for I absolutely hate APA, I am saddened when I am forced to use it, and I am just not going to follow a specific style guide for this post. In-text citations will not be used, references will be both disorganised and poorly formatted. I will indicate references in-text through the use of numbers in superscript. All times will be given in 24 hour format, not military format, I don’t know why the military is allergic to colons, but I like them, so they’re coming in! I did not proof read this, it’s already taken way too much of my life. I am also quite disappointed that my formatting won't paste properly into the post editor, the markdown editor is very clunky.
Testimony from the Karen Read trial involving the Commonwealth of Massachusetts’ opinion of Karen Read’s blood alcohol level at the alleged time of the alleged vehicle strike on John O’Keefe piqued my interest. Particularly I was fascinated by the fact that no direct alcohol breath test or blood test was performed, nor were any tests performed to detect any alcohol metabolite, although I have yet to find a news source that has stated as much, in fact they either omit the test type or misrepresent the test as one to detect the presence of alcohol in blood serum^{2,3,4,5,6.8,etc ad nauseum}.. Instead Dr. Gary Faller, pathologist at Good Samaritan Medical Center, testified that a serum test was run to detect the presence of NADH¹. I know what you’re thinking: “Why did they perform a screening test using an ubiquitous endogenous redox agent with no forensic validity¹³ instead of for alcohol or an alcohol metabolite like acetaldehyde, ethyl glucuronide or ethyl sulphate⁷?” and yeah, that’s what I’m thinking, too! For forensically valid results there needs to be a confirmatory test done¹³, which clearly either didn’t happen or wasn’t useful - otherwise it would have been introduced by the prosecution. So I have put this together to show what NADH testing means, why it is used, how it works and what the limitations of this testing are.
The Basics
Testing for NADH is done to screen for the presence of alcohol. Screening tests are a fast-and-cheap way of getting an idea of what’s going on, and are used when precision and certainty are not necessary. For example if you are in a hospital and have someone on a psych hold, you might want to get an idea of whether their behaviour is in part driven by consumption of drugs. Their life doesn’t depend on the answer and neither does their freedom (beyond the short-term). Forensic lab testing for alcohol uses dual-column gas chromatography or gas chromatography/mass spectrometry¹³. These are large, expensive, delicate machines so you don’t just send everything to GC/MS analysis without a good reason, just like you’re not going to get a CT scan for a sprained thumb. If you are a hospital and the cops want a blood sample for forensic analysis you can just draw blood for them, put it in the freezer until they pick it up, and then it’s the cops’ problem. Hospitals are not in the business of forensics.
So why Nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide-H testing? Well that’s simple enough. Nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide is an essential, innate redox agent that exists in all your cellular fluids and is there to accept hydrogen atoms as other substances are oxidized¹⁴. It therefor exists in different redox states, the oxidised state NAD+ and the reduced state NADH. “nicotinamide adenine nucleotide (NAD) is required in more enzymatic reactions than perhaps any other small molecule^16.” These two forms are non-destructively converted back and forth in various biochemical reactions, but the nucleotide can be consumed in certain reactions so it has to be constantly manufactured by the body in order for us to continue living.. NAD is synthesised in the liver, nerve cells and immune cells, and salvaged for reuse in a wide variety of tissues.
The primary way alcohol is metabolised it interacts with a class of enzymes called alcohol dehydrogenases¹⁵ (confusingly abbreviated ADH, despite not being structurally similar to NADH). When a molecule of ethanol is oxidised two hydrogen atoms get knocked off, one off the -OH alcohol group, and one off the carbon atom the -OH group is attached to, so the -OH becomes an =O converting the ethanol to an aldehyde called ethanal or more commonly acetaldehyde. These hydrogen atoms are accepted by the NAD+, reducing it to NADH. You have a limited supply of NAD+. Drugs whether recreational or medical, or other substances that are metabolised by oxidation will compete for NAD+, raise NADH levels and slow the metabolism of alcohol. Other oxidation reactions will pump up the NADH levels too. These variables are huge! Worse still, NAD+ conversion to NADH is heavily effected by cellular metabolism, meaning that acute stress and exercise will convert NAD+ into NADH as well¹⁴. Finally multiple sclerosis, which Karen Read has, will approximately double the baseline serum NADH level.¹⁷ Karen Read undergoing acute stress. CPR is exercise. Was she on other medications that increase NADH levels?
Rates of alcohol metabolism can vary up to 4-fold, especially since it occurs primarily in the stomach and liver. Large amounts of ADH are released in the stomach, so when drinks are consumed on an empty stomach they are dumped into the intestines quickly and are absorbed into portal circulation without giving the stomach ADH a chance to mitigate the effects, but then alcohol will be metabolised more quickly after ingestion. Liver damage will slow the rate of metabolism as well.
The Testimony
Dr. Faller reports a time of blood draw around 09:08-09:13 , the blood was centrifuged and seperated, the plasma was put into a machine that tested for alcohol giving result of 93mg/dl serum alcohol level. This, if accurate, would be higher than the whole blood alcohol level. The doctor refused to even ballpark this to a percentage for either serum or whole blood. He did acknowledge that LDH and hemolysis and bilirubin levels can interfere but should be flagged. The defence did bring up abnormal muscle degeneration, and so on but the doctor wasn’t aware of this literature. I don’t know that the defence couldn’t proceed due to this, but I feel they may have missed a trick here. Hopefully they will call a more informed expert on NAD/NADH metabolism.
The forensic toxicologist estimated her peak whole blood alcohol percentage at between 0.135 and 0.292 assuming last drink at 00:45 but I don’t want to even get deeply into these estimates because they’re built on a foundation of sand: we don’t really know when Karen Read started drinking, how much she drank, when she stopped drinking, or how much the NADH test was thrown off by stress, activity, disease or medication. We didn’t also didn’t get into any description of the test process itself. We don’t know if the machine measured NADH once, or if it measured NADH before and after adding ADH, or if it measured NADH only after adding ADH. We don’t know enough to evaluate this information.
On either basis, the results should be discarded.
Armchair Forensics
Personally I think Karen was drunk, at some point, but “is this evidence good enough to secure a conviction for an OWI?” is a whole other question. So is “How much did she drink?”; “How impaired was she, and when?”; “when did she start and stop drinking?” and critically from a conviction standpoint “what was her BAC at the alleged time of the alleged incident, and how do we know?”
We can kind of armchair lab tech this, given some assumptions. I don’t have access to the actual bar receipts but it seems probable, based on what I can find in the news^9,10,11, that while at the two bars she had somewhere between 8 and 15 standard drinks depending on if any of those drinks were doubles. She was drinking these between 20:58 approximately 00:00. I do not have information at this point eliminate pre- and post-drinking, all these people seem like they drink quite a bit. I can’t even discount the possibility that she got up at 04:30 and slammed some back. If we assume that these are all the drinks she had before the alleged incident, and she didn’t have any after the alleged incident, and we accept a weight estimate at 60kg/132lbs¹² then we can use a simple web tools to estimate her BAC(Appendix A). The results are generally mortifying, with estimates essentially ranging from ‘maybe unable to walk without assistance’ to an acute medical emergency . Maybe Karen can hold her liquor quite well or maybe these calculators were all designed by and for lightweights since evidently my wife and basically any girlfriend I’ve ever had could evidently drink the average BAC calculator designer under the table.
Conclusion
Without access to receipts, and since “no one appeared drunk” and at no point did anyone testify to detecting the odour of alcohol from her: not the paramedics, not the cops, not the ER doctor, not her so-called friends so based on my armchair BAC results (appendix A) show either she was stinking drunk and somehow no one noticed or she didn’t actually consume 8+ standard alcoholic drinks in 3 hours. I lean towards the former, but without confirmatory, forensic testing I don’t see how this gets to the “beyond reasonable doubt” standard. I don’t understand why the first police on the scene didn’t perform a PBT on her based on their testimony that she was saying anything like “did I hit him?” or “I hit him.” It also doesn’t make any sense that no one applied for a blood draw warrant once the picture supposedly started getting more clear.
We have another estimated 3+ weeks of trial for things to develop, and clearly there’s information I have not and/or can not access, but I find it very striking that yet again we have supposed forensic evidence that is not up to snuff. In combination with all the other shenanigans and incompetence displayed during and after the investigation this entire process starts looking like it has more to do with tunnel-vision, conspiratorial afterthought, and/or prosecutorial sleight-of-hand.
If I were on the jury I would be fighting to acquit based on copious amounts of doubt regarding essentially every element of every charge.
References
1- Baker, Emily D.. (May 28, 2024). MA. v Karen Read Trial Day 18 - Afternoon Session. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVX-YZ1wkDc
2- Ramer, Holly. (May 28, 2024). Jurors hear about Karen Read's blood alcohol level as murder trial enters fifth week. ABC News. https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/jurors-hear-karen-reads-blood-alcohol-level-murder-110624411
3- Schooley, Matt (May 28, 2024). What was Karen Read's blood alcohol level on the night John O'Keefe died? Experts testify at trial. CBS News.
https://www.cbsnews.com/boston/news/karen-read-live-stream-today-brian-higgins/
4- Ramer, Holly (May 29, 2024), What was Karen Read's blood alcohol level the day John O'Keefe died? Here's what we learned. NBC Boston.
https://www.nbcboston.com/news/local/what-was-karen-reads-blood-alcohol-level-on-the-day-john-okeefe-died-heres-what-we-learned-this-week/3382901/
5- Lavery, Tréa. (May 29, 2024). Karen Read trial live updates: Read may have had BAC more than three times limit. MassLive. https://www.masslive.com/news/2024/05/karen-read-trial-live-updates-for-tuesday-may-28.html
6- Reynolds, Lance. (May 28, 2024). Karen Read murder trial Day 18: Witnesses focus on O’Keefe’s injuries, Read’s blood alcohol level. Boston Herald. https://www.bostonherald.com/2024/05/28/karen-read-murder-trial-day-18-witnesses-focus-on-okeefes-injuries-reads-blood-alcohol-level/
7- Ferguson, Sian (May 1, 2023) How is Alcohol Detected in a Urine Test?. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/urine-test-alcohol
8- Benoit, Katie. (May 28, 2023). Expert testifies about Karen Read's blood alcohol content from morning O'Keefe found dead. WJAR. https://turnto10.com/news/local/karen-read-trial-resumes-tuesday-john-okeefe-murder-canton-dedham-boston-police
9- Lavery, Tréa. (June 5, 2024). Karen Read trial live updates: State police investigator recalls interview with Read. https://www.masslive.com/news/2024/06/karen-read-trial-live-updates-testimony-resumes-on-wednesday.html
10- Tenser, Phil (April 16, 2024). Karen Read murder case: Alleged timeline, according to the prosecution. WCVB. https://www.wcvb.com/article/karen-read-case-prosecution-alleged-timeline/60510196
11- Bienick, David. (May 10, 2024). Karen Read murder trial: Owners of home where O'Keefe was found testify. WCVB. https://www.wcvb.com/article/karen-read-trial-live-updates-may-10-2024/60755150
12- Ankit. (February 28, 2024) Karen Read Net Worth, Wiki, Parents, Ethnicity, Religion, Bio, Age, Family And More. SarkariExam.com
https://www.sarkariexam.com/karen-read-net-worth-wiki-parents-ethnicity-religion-bio-age-family-and-more/617729
13- Okorocha, Okorie. (April, 2021). Alcohol Toxicology For Civil Lawyers. Advocate Magazine. https://www.advocatemagazine.com/article/2021-april/alcohol-toxicology-for-civil-lawyers
14- Walzik, David et. al. (January 4, 2023) Tissue-specific effects of exercise as NAD+-boosting strategy: Current knowledge and future perspectives. Acta Physiologica. https://doi.org/10.1111/apha.13921
15- Cederbaum, Arthur. (November 1, 2013). Alcohol Metabolism. Clinical Liver Disease. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cld.2012.08.002
16- Penberthy, Todd & Tsunoda, Ikuo. (March 5, 2009). The Importance of NAD in Multiple Sclerosis. Current Pharmaceutical Design. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2651433/
17- Braidy, Nady et al. (November 6, 2013). Serum nicotinamide adenine dinucleotide levels through disease course in multiple sclerosis. Elsevier. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0006899313011475
Appendix A: BAC Calculator results

• https://smartserve.ca/bac-chart/ has limited weight inputs, if we pick 125lb female and 8 drinks over 3 hours we get a peak BAC of 0.25, a shocking 3+ times the legal limit and physically dangerous, with risks including inadequate breathing pattern, incontinence, inability to walk without assistance and loss of consciousness. Smartserve ballparks an alcohol elimation rate of 1 standard drink per hour, so in the 8-drink scenario, on Jan 29 at 04:53 when she called Jen McCabe she should have had the equivalent of 0-3 drinks left in her system, and none whatsoever when her blood was drawn, but the NADH based estimate for her BAC at time of draw (09:08)was 0.093%1. Unfortunately this calculator goes to a maximum of 9 drinks, so it was clearly designed by and for lightweights but we don’t need to assume any of these drinks were doubles based on the mortifying results from this and other calculators.
• I next tried https://alcohol.org/bac-calculato set for female 132 pounds, 8 drinks with a time since first drink of 3 hours 15 minutes to give blood alcohol at 00:15. It gives 0.31% and states “You're probably not reading this because there's a good chance that you're unconscious. This BAC indicates alcohol poisoning, and there is a very serious risk of long-term damage or death. If you or someone you're with are at this BAC level, you should seek immediate medical assistance.” I played around with this calculator a bit and it turns out it is also designed by and for lightweights. Nevertheless, it suggested that BAC would be back to 0 in 21 hours, which would be around 21:15 on January 29th.
• https://www.drinkfox.com/tools/bac-calculatoca set to 43 year old female, 60kg, gives me a BAC of 0.2267% at 00:00 and says would be down to 0.08% at 09:15, down to zero at 13:35.
• https://globalrph.com/medcalcs/blood-alcohol-calculator-bac-metric-of-alcohol-intoxication/ assuming 12oz drink size average at 5% abv (so 8 standard drinks) female 60kg gives an average female 0.307 blood alcohol at 00:00, 0.222% at 05:00. Finally 0.154% at 09:00

My partner has a junk car that we need to get rid of (2009 Kia Optima). What are some of the best auto salvage or junk yards in the area? It currently doesn't run, so we'd need them to also tow it. Hoping to get some cash out of it, although that's secondary to just getting it out of the garage. TIA!

i bought an old pc for a few bucks at a thriftstore past week. it had no harddisk inside, so i tucked one in from a old laptop, and it booted okay. but it shut down suddenly after a few minutes. after inspecting inside the bios a little, i found out that the cpu temps were quite abnormal, to say at least. it seemed to happen as follows evey time i resetted/switched off that desktop pc. :
in the bios: the temps are at start around 30 degrees C. BUT ; each consequentail 5 seconds the temp increases with 1 degree Celsius. exactly and every time. this goes on into ridiculous temperature ratings; around 115 degrees Celsius, and at that point the system shuts down. it powers off.
above repeats itself upon every power on of that particular pc. every time. for the rest, it boots fine into any os on the hdd, but shuts automatically down after a few minutes due to (i guess) the idiot high temperature recorded by the bios (?).
now i opened this desktop pc, and felt if there was any heat inside.; no.
i then checked with the casing open and power on if the fans were properly working ; they were. no dust also.
is this the normal situation when the cpu has depleted of thermal pasting on it ? is this exactly what happens then or is it not ? or does it take literally hours normally with no thermal pasting for a pc to behave this way or not ? because this pc has an seemingly wrong sensoring of its cpu temp, it seems, or not ?
or is this a defect thermostate inside the cpu ? is something like this possible ?
or is the cpu dying ?
i dont have enough knowledge of cpu's to determine the cause, can anyone explain me what can be the case please.
is this a hopeless situation for that pc and should i just salvage the internal parts of that desktop for other pcs (and throw the cpu away) ?
its a desktop pc core 2 duo i its around 3 Ghz, from 2009, has 3 Gb ram. i bought it intended to run xp on it as a retro pc for old games.

I went to reapply for IBR at the end of 2021 when I noticed I was put on a forced forbearance. I called AES who didn't really know anything other than I was on a lawsuit.
I thought I was being punked and tricked by whoever into racking up my debt as interest every month kept going up and I was denied already via email that my BD was will not be upheld, AES had no answers.
A year and half went by and I couldn't get approved for anything, car, house , apartment etc...with a little 2 yr son anxiety about my future with a worthless degree grew out of control.
I had saved $150,000 for my life savings , after talking it over my wife we decided to pay a lump sum off the $170,000 to bring it down to a reasonable level.
Keep in mind I graduated in 2009 with $83,000 making monthly payments on IBR and it still doubled.
I lost faith in this so called lawsuit this was 7/28/22. I called AES to let them know I was going to pay off some of the dept. They instructed how to do so.
A month later I got the email saying my BD was in in review, still I didn't have faith and didn't really know what that meant. Yes I tried to read all I could about the law suit now known as Sweet vs Cardona but It was all so complicated.
Then on 1/20/24 I got the email saying I was forgiven and loans will be discharged and I was getting a refund.
On 5/31/24 I got notification email from AES as the remaining $25,000 one loan I couldn't afford to pay off was now $0.00 and was discharged.
But i noticed no refund for my $150,000....
After 2 days of researching I realized my loans were federal student loans but commercially back by PNC also now known as FFELP.
I would have been ethical and moral if AES and ED actually explained this better in a simple language heads up , so borrowers who were being left out of refunds could
know they were being left out and salvaged thousands of dollars.
I would have consolidated in federal owned before paying it down if AES had explained this all to me.
You don't know what you don't know....but They did know and didn't want me to know it....
I'm grateful for the $25,000 that was wiped out and grateful I paid the rest off and this 14 yr old nightmare is finally over.
Anyone thoughts.....

Hi everyone, I just got my hands on this Mazda 2007 turbo. The guy selling it had already added some mods but I want to take over and have this thing running like brand new.
Based on the listing, what would you do to it next? I plan on working on this car myself and not afraid of some elbow grease.
First thing is that engine bay could use some cleaning and air intake seems dirty, how do I go about that?
TIA 💪🏽

NOT SHIPPING THE PC BUILD OR 4000D CASE. NOT PARTING OUT ANYTHING FROM THE PC BUILD. BOTH ARE LOCAL ONLY. ANY LOCAL PICKUPS WILL BE AT 91001, IN THE SGV ONLY. IF YOU'RE MEETING ME FOR THE PC BUILD, I'LL ONLY MEET YOU AT THE PASADENA POLICE DEPARTMENT INSIDE DURING THE LATE MORNING OR AFTERNOON. LOCAL CASH, BILLS UP TO $20. I CHECK ALL BUILDS.
timestamps: https://imgur.com/a/5VqPzN3
please comment on this thread before pm'in me. no messages.
cleaning & selling these items. feel free to give me reasonable offers, more so lenient if it's especially local.
i can meet up as soon as tomorrow afternoon. i usually am free during the afternoon.
for sale:
PC build ~
CPU - Ryzen 5 3600
[BN] CPU Cooler - Thermalright Assassin X 120 SE (white)
Motherboard - MSI B450 Tomahawk Max
GPU - ASRock Challenger D OC Radeon RX 5700 8 GB (cleaned thoroughly & re-pasted w/fresh Arctic MX-4)
Ram - GeIL SUPER LUCE RGB SYNC 16 GB (2 x 8 GB) DDR4-3000 CL16
Storage - 512GB Samsung OEM 960 Pro NVME SSD
PSU - High Power 80+ Gold Non-Modular PSU w/power cord
[BN] OS Key - Windows 10 Home key
[BN] Extras - Okinos White Sleeved Cable Extension Cable kit
[OB] PC case - Zalman Z7 NEO RGB ATX Mid-Tower w/4 pre installed RGB fans
(OB means open box, BN means brand new)
bios driver & all basic drivers are up to date.
built w/a mix of almost all used, n a few open box/new parts. all parts have been fully tested. this includes in games n stress tested w/multiple workloads. pc is cleaned through w an electric duster & sanitized all around ready. pc is also cable managed properly. can provide more pics.
asking $560 local cash only, obo
Corsair 4000D Airflow Black Mid ATX Tower Case - in used condition, some signs of use like light visible scratches & minimal wear. x2 pre installed Thermalright C12 PWN fans on the front & x1 Zalman DC/Molex on the back. all io covers included n has most additional accessories/screws. i have the hdd cage & one additional ssd cage but they wont have the screws to put it back inside of the case theyre suppose to be in. you can have both of them or not, up to you.
asking $50 local cash only, obo
Powercolor Red Devil RX 580 8GB - bought as untested through someone locally. however after testin & stress testin it, it works without any issues. in very used condition, has definite signs of use. some of the paint on the metal top of the GPU is scratched off. IO plate also used. Has still fresh thermal paste so decided to not remove it. Unless you want me to apply some fresh Arctic MX-4 paste, ill do so with no issues & free of charge.
asking $55 local cash, + shipping costs . depends on your location. sold as a bundle w the hdds for $62 shipped
BNIB Sony BDP-BX510 Blu-ray/DVD/3D player - brand new, has never been opened. has factory sony seal still intact. this thing is almost 9-10 years old since it has the 2014 world cup art there. box has some signs of wear but nothin major. it includes the blu ray player, a remote, & cables. IM NOT GONNA OPEN IT JUST TO GET TIMESTAMPS.
asking $45 local cash, $65 shipped obo. depends on your location. sold elsewhere
x2 500GB Seagate HDDs - x1 desktop 500GB 7200rpm HDD & x1 laptop 500GB HDD. both Seagate, both in good condition. salvaged from a personal pc & laptop. ran both on cdi. desktop one is from 2009 or 2010 i believe. has a "Caution" status w/14209 power on counts & 7467 power on hours. the laptop one is at least 6-8 years old, not sure. has a "Caution" status w/1464 power on count & 1463 power on hours. both will ship in an anti-static bag.
asking $5 local cash w/any other item, $15 shipped obo. depends on your location but i'll just put this. if you live within cali or a state away from cali, lmk n i can def do a much better price shipped. sold w an rx580 as a bundle for $62 shipped
free empty boxes - got an i5-10400f box, asus rx 6600 box, & an msi b450 tomahawk box. the tomahawk is the one im using for the pc build listed above lol. the msi & rx6600 boxes have some paper work as well.
FREE locally, $1 + shipping costs. if no one gets these boxes, ill just re-use them & cut them for packaging material. don't wanna waste them at all, so wanna give them a chance to someone who wants these.
take everything here for $5040 off local cash.
thanks for reading.

Hey everyone! Posting on here yet again because I am trying to find a good work truck for a landscaping business I'm starting up. Going to be pulling a skid steer around 5klbs in the wintertime so I need something reliable, and can pull quite a bit regularly.
Just found a truck in my area with 320k miles. It's a 2013 Duramax Chevy 2500. Rebuilt Allison transmission with 40k on it. New injectors done at about 275k. Nothing on it doesn't work. $9,000
vs
2003 chevy2500 duramax with 260k miles and this description ($9000)

• new redhead steering box
• PPE hd tie rods
• moog idler arm and bracket, pitman arm
• PPE upgraded trans cooler
• new upper control arms with ball joints
• new wheel bearings
• new water pump, thermostats, coolant flush
• morimoto hid kit Other items
• ranch hand bumpers
• deezee toolbox
• 5" mbrp exhaust
• mbrp intake
• newer injectors
• new ps hoses
• recent alignment
• comes with a spare set of newer 35s

vs
The last truck I'm seriously considering is a 2009 chevy 2500 gasser. Rebuilt tranny 5k miles ago, 6.0L motor has 150k miles on it. Selling for $10,000
Any tips would be awesome, thanks! I got a good amount of people telling me to look for a gasser due to maintenance, so advice on that would be great too! My budget is 10k.

I got a lmm duramax I've been having trouble finding the problem witch is the service trailer brake system I've switched out all the relays checked the fuse and changed the controller and no luck the light and directional work just no trailer brakes what could the problem be?

Hi! TL;DR How can I come clean to my husband about my ongoing addiction issues?
(trigger warning: addiction. I have also posted this in the /addiction forum as well, I really need as much advice as I can get. I understand if this isn’t the place to discuss addiction. I am really looking for relationship help, too, as I need to know if I can even salvage it after being such an idiot).
I am a 36f, with my husband 39m since 2009.
Prior to meeting my husband, I had only ever smoked marijuana and drank alcohol in highscool. From 2007-2009 I didn’t do anything because I was pregnant/breastfeeding.
After my ex left us, and after meeting my current husband in 2009, I dabbled with various substances; cocaine, MDMA, mushrooms, ecstasy, and he even brought home percocets one day. Those have been the hardest things for us to walk away from because of their prevalence, and ease of access. We have taken those on and off ever since then, both together as well as apart from each other.
We both have a family history of alcoholism/addiction. His Mom has many years of sobriety under her belt, and was in the rooms with my Mom. In a round-about way it’s how we met. I lost my Mom in 2017 to an OD, and my younger sister in 2023 for the same. Over the years, my father (my best friend and only surviving immediate relative) went from someone who was a straight arrow (never even drinking/smoking) to someone who just had pills all the time. This was pretty bad, as there were no boundaries, and it only made pills easier to access.
We never really hit rock bottom, or ever went without because of our habit. It doesn’t make it less of an addiction, I know, but we always functioned. We have a very comfortable life, are blessed, and have always been able to provide for ourselves and our kids.
About 6 months ago, he just decided that he was done with it. He told me that we had to quit, and that if I didn’t also quit with him that he would divorce me and leave. I stuck in there for about a month with him, and I just worked and came home. Kept my head down. I stayed away from my father. But my God, I was a stick in the mud. My performance at work suffered, the house was a mess, and I wasn’t taking care of myself. I hated that I couldn’t function to the degree that I’d been accustomed to.
He was getting mad/resentful at me for being such a bum, and I was mad at myself. Like I said, I could only take this for about a month before I relapsed. I felt horrible for lying to him that I was sober, and the guilt has been eating away at me. The fear of losing him won out, however, and I didn’t feel like I could be honest with him about it because I didn’t want him to leave me. I didn’t want to lose my family. I didn’t want to hurt him, or make him mad.
I guess I have been self medicating all of these years. The pills had just helped me to function at a higher level than I could without them. I was able to work my job, come home and clean, cook, help the kids, and do whatever it was that was required of me. I was just super mom. I know it’s not a great excuse. I feel horrible.
I had my own bank account, and I never spent very much on my habit. So, I was just able to fly under the radar undetected for the past few months. Until he asked me the other day if he could see my bank account.
I didn’t show him, because I knew he had me dead to rights. That would be the canary in the coal mine. Not showing him is just as bad. He knows there is a reason I won’t.
I want to come clean, but I don’t know how. I am so afraid of losing him. I want to tell him, but I’m so ashamed. I’m ashamed that I wasn’t honest, that I was going behind his back. I’m ashamed that he trusted me, and that I couldn’t do it. I’m just afraid. I don’t want him to leave.
I want to just close the account. Move My direct deposit to our joint account. I haven’t gone anywhere or done anything for days. I haven’t spoken to my father. I am willing to get back into mental health treatment, and to find a viable treatment for my addiction. I know they have come along way in treatments like monthly injections. I don’t think I need daily maintenance. I don’t feel sick or anything, I just don’t feel very energetic. And now I have this weighing on me.
I just want him to understand. What do I do? How do I tell him? Does anyone have any advice? How do I admit this to him in a way that he might have grace on me?

PART 1
C tier
These episodes are... fine.
164: Polybius (E150, 2017)
Believe it or not this was the hardest episode for me to rank, and it's because of the plagiarism allegations. I think what sucks the hardest is that it's only the beginning segment of the video that nobody remembers that used someone's research without credit, and keep in mind all the writer wanted was an apology and some credit, and the fact that they completely ignored them put a sour stain on an otherwise solid Halloween episode in my eyes.
I mean yeah the actual meat of the video is still pretty cool to me, but I personally can't watch it without having a bad taste in my mouth because of the above controversy, well I'm sure others can still enjoy it regardless of all that so I can't take that away from you.
163: Dirty Harry (E157, 2018)
To be honest, this episode only escaped D tier because of this line: "because why make the controls easy to use? I mean if you're going to have diarrhea you might as well splatter the toilet seat while you're at it" I have no idea why but I think that line is brilliant in a way, like that's a line I would use on a regular basis if I had the balls to talk about diarrhea in public. I don't remember a single other thing in this episode and you probably don't either.
162: The Simpsons (E30, 2007)
It's not that this episode is bad or anything but I don't know it just doesn't hit as hard as most other classic era episodes. I think what disappointed me was the lack of Simpsons references, James would usually go above and beyond back in the day with referencing the movie or show that the game he's reviewing is based on, fester's quest and star trek are good examples, but here; he says do'h, he eats his shorts at the end... that was kinda neat.
Of course now we know that the lack of references was because James never actually watched the show past the first season which still perplexes me but whatever, the actual reviews are decent at least but I wouldn't call this one of the best.
161: Double Dragon 3 (E11, 2006)
Bimmy. That's it. That's all there is to this one.
160: Planet of the Apes (E146, 2017)
"The nerd says "you take the red pill" in this episode. Other than that it's pretty meh, some alright jokes but most of the review is honestly pretty dull and the ending while I get it's supposed to be a reference to the movie, doesn't make much sense how does the nerd going to a planet and playing a bad game somehow causes the earth to be overrun by shitty games? Why do I even care?"
I think what most people remember from this episode is that the nerd complains about the textures shifting even though a lot of PS1 games do that, I guess that shows how little PS1 James has actually played.
159: Hydlide (E86, 2010)
Since this episode has nothing really to talk about I instead want to go on a little tangent, there's a part where the nerd randomly talks about the dangers of drugs and alcohol and it always stood out to me as weird, then I remembered mike said on stream that he wrote this episode, so I think mike wrote that as a parody of 80-90s drug psas thinking james would get it and follow the reference in the video but instead he just read it blankly like he was just talking about the game.
158: Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu (E9, 2006)
Shit pickle may be iconic but he's kinda annoying, other than that it's a short early season 1 episode with not much to talk about.
157: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (E2, 2004)
A much better pilot than Simon's Quest. But like that one it's hard to actually say much about it, it's just funnier and gets the point across in much less time, though the series still hasn't found it's footing yet in my opinion.
156: Wrestling Games (E149, 2017)
The second screenwave era episode, and an improvement from treasure master but still a little forgettable. The reviews are ok, there are jokes I think, it is certainly an avgn episode I can at least say that.
155: Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried (E170, 2019)
More controversial opinions yaaay. This is basically a better version of toxic crusaders, Gilbert is what salvages this episode for me, he makes a pretty unfunny script sound funny by just his voice and it doesn't have the barf in it thank god. The episode is still dragged down though by a poor choice of game and it runs a little too long I think.
154: Dragon's Lair (E37, 2007)
"This episode managed to be the most average episode ever, I have absolutely nothing to say about it. The ending joke was kind of amusing I guess… This episode isn't bad or anything but there's nothing special about it at all."
It was pretty dumb of me to imply that an episode having nothing special in it is a bad thing, there's nothing wrong with a basic episode, and this one is decent, I think by "special" I meant having strong writing/humour like the other episodes of it's era. Alright episode, but not one I'd revisit much.
153: Nintendo World Championships (E104, 2011)
Pat is pretty unlikeable here but I think that was the idea. I for some reason was very positive on this episode the first time but nowadays, despite how unique it is, it's a surprisingly forgettable episode. I really don't have a lot to say about it, it's just kinda there.
152: Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes (E190, 2021)
I think this is the most divisive episode of the entire series, people either love it and call it one of the best, or hate it and consider it among the worst, and here I am in the middle. I think the review portions are solid and there is some fun writing especially towards the end when everything goes insane. But yeah there's a lot of flaws, overuse of greenscreen, shots that look like they were ripped straight from the fear and loathing movie (I can't confirm they are though), it's not very funny overall, but it's at least interesting to watch and discuss with is more than I can say for most of these C tier episodes.
151: Freddy and Jason (E199, 2021)
I would've happily put this episode in B tier as the review part is actually solid for screenwave era standards but it's ruined by the skits which to quote past me:
"back in 2006 the original freddy and jason skits in those old episodes were amazing compared to what most people were doing on youtube back then. So the fact that 15 years later and the "grand comeback" of these 2 is just a 1 minute scene where figures of freddy and jason walk towards the nerd into a corner then immediately die by a printer is simply inexcusable, why bother bringing them back if you're just going to half ass it this bad?"
I forgot to mention that thing with the "lawl dowlls" what the hell was that about?
150-149: Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 (E145&152, 2017)
Sonic 06 is probably the most overdone thing to review on the internet, everyone back in the 2010s had their rant videos about how it killed the series, how the glitches and the plot were the worst thing ever, but in recent years I've seen more defences for it, I personally think the game is not very good but it's far from being one of the worst of all time like how many reviewers and journalists acted like it was. Now how does the nerd get fresh material out of a game that was done to death even by 2017? he didn't.
The funny thing is that I actually much prefer the second part to the first one even though that was done by screenwave and not James (and possibly mike too). Part 1 is mostly just greenscreen jokes that get old fast but in part 2 he actually reviews the game pretty decently I think. Though still just an average drop in the ocean of sonic 06 videos.
148: Tomb Raider Games (E159, 2018)
"Another ok one. The game reviews are a lot more interesting, the set while filled with green screens is a nice way to tie each review together. The main problem is screenwave's trademark of just not being very funny,"
This was the year where they locked episodes behind Amazon prime for a set amount of time and people were not happy, and now nobody remembers that.
147: Rocky (E16, 2006)
Please do yourself a favor and only watch the original version of this episode, the 2nd version with the shitty midi music makes me want to die, but the ending scene is cool at least, either way it all amounts to an alright early episode.
146: AVGN Games (E115, 2013)
"This episode is half a thanks to the fans for their projects and half an advertisement for avgn adventures. it's ok, it's more of a fan tribute than a review and there's not much funny jokes, the best part is the cameo from Board James. Not bad, but one of the weaker episodes of this season."
The worst thing about this episode is the amount of struggling James and Mike went through capturing footage of pc games, they tried using fraps once, gave up, didn't try any other screen recording programs and instead just pointed the camera to the monitor, they've been making gaming content since 2006 and they couldn't do what everyone else could do for years by 2013, brilliant.
145: Alien 3 (E114, 2013)
The lighting is cool, that's all I have to say.
144: Purr Pals (E203, 2022)
The fact that I enjoy this episode is evidence that I should be banned from having opinions. This is not a good episode, but for some reason I find it funny, I don't know if it's intentional or not but I can't hate this one like others do, might be because I'm a cat person so that cat jokes just resonate with me I don't know, I wouldn't call it a guilty pleasure, I'd call it me being stupid.
143: Paperboy (E140, 2016)
"Meh episode. The window breaking stuff is the only really funny thing in this one but the game just isn't very interesting."
Past me couldn't think of anything to say either. I know a lot of people like this one but it's never really been one of my favourites though the window thing makes it worth it.
142: Lightspan Adventures (E155, 2017)
It's decent, but a really weird choice for the Christmas episode that year, why do educational games when people are usually off school at Christmas? eh doesn't matter. The Santa puppet is amusing at least.
141: The Legend of Zelda: Majoras Mask (E175, 2019)
I know a lot of people really hate this one, and I can't really add much to the discussion because I never played the game but I do at least like the end of the world setup and the twilight zone parody, the review I find a little boring while others find it frustrating so this episode ends up being a mixed bag in my opinion.
oh just one more thing, why do Majora's Mask fans hate the 3DS version so much? I'm actually curious on that one.
140: The Incredible Crash Dummies (E180, 2020)
It's solid by screenwave era standards, though the discussion about the toys is more entertaining than the game. However you have to sit through kieran's horrible cover of mmm mmm mmm mmm, I found out recently that I'm the only person who actually likes that song so it sucks extra hard for me, and the crash cover at the end, no offense to the singer but it sounds like it's being sung by a 5 year old, fine episode but please don't do song parodies ever again, just don't.
139: Drake of the 99 Dragons (E158, 2018)
Decent modern-ish episode, alright review, alright jokes. I think a lot of people dislike this one but I don't see much wrong with it myself.
138: Mortal Kombat 1 Ports (E177, 2020)
I like the idea of reviewing multiple ports of the same game, but the execution is just... ok. Not much to it other than that "how do these ports stack up" joke which is dumb but kinda endearing.
137: Raid 2020 (E176, 2020)
I still remember how excited I was when the nerd actually lived up to a joke from back in 2008. But when you take that away you're left with an ok episode but it doesn't have much staying power after the joke wears off, the main highlight here is the year based games rant at end.
136: Milon's Secret Castle (E64, 2009)
A passable classic era episode, but not one of the ones I revisit though I know a lot of other people do so good for them.
135: Independence Day (E29, 2007)
Honestly the same applies to this episode but I find this one a little funnier than Milon.
134: Michael Jackson's Moonwalker (E63, 2009)
Same thing as the last yet again, but I think this one is the funniest of the 3. Weird that the old episodes that everyone likes and remembers end up being some of the hardest to talk about. It's not I don't like these 3, they're just weaker in comparison to the other golden age episodes and I don't have much of a desire to revisit them as much.
133: Bible Games 3 (E106, 2011)
The weakest of the bible Games trilogy by far but it's alright as a standalone episode. Just please don't make a bible games 4 for nostalgia purposes, you can tell James was stretching for material here so I'd hate to see them push for another, I think I'm jinxing it now.
B tier
This is where we get to the episodes that I can say I enjoy fully but I wouldn't consider any of these my favourites.There happens to be 12 screenwave episodes in here and the next tier, that may sound like a lot then you remember that there is currently 68 episodes starting with treasure master which means only 17% of their episodes made it into B tier or above, and spoilers none made it to S tier.
132: RoboCop NES Games (E151, 2017)
"So right when screenwave starts getting involved in the show the nerd is killed off and replaced with a robotic copy, hmm. Well anyway this is an alright episode, I'm starting to notice my main problem with these screenwave episodes: they're just not very funny but so far most of them have been watchable at the very least. The nes viser for the robo nerd is easily the coolest thing about this one."
This episode does at least hold up more than I remember, I don't know I just enjoyed it more this time, enough to put it at the bottom of B tier.
131: Amiga CD32 (E162, 2018)
A good enough console review, though far from the strongest, Kang Fu and the paint can are the highlights this time around.
130-128: Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? & The Karate Kid (E6, 4 & 3, 2006)
These are all solid early episodes, but I think they lack substance and could've been a little longer, there's a reason why the nerd would later revisit roger rabbit and back to the future. "I wanna nail roger rabbit to the fucking cross" is classic though.
127: Wally Bear and the No! Gang (E8, 2006)
That hotline scene at the end really makes the episode complete so it's weird to think of a time when that wasn't there, but we do have "press here you dumb fuck" which is great and helps make this one more memorable.
126-125: The Crow: City of Angels & Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero (E137-138, 2015)
Both of these are basic holiday specials because James was too busy with other projects, but that's alright because they're both still good, but there's better holiday episodes for sure.
124: Super Pitfall (E76, 2009)
A very standered episode from the golden age, but still a good one. For some reason I was pretty harsh on it originally I must've been having a bad day or something because I don't know why.
123: Spielberg Games (E101, 2011)
I have a weird story about this episode, when I was kid I left one of the season compilations on one night and for some reason I set the video to loop, then I fell asleep and woke up to the jumpscare from the 3DO Jurassic park game. Other than that it's another solid episode with not much to say.
122: Lester the Unlikely (E96, 2010)
Basically just copy-paste what I said about super pitfall. Good episode, don't know why I was harsh on it, shit bag and the cdi flower game are great moments.
121: Video Game Magazines (E166, 2019)
It's alright, it's a good successor to the Nintendo power episode but not as great. Would you be surprised to hear that 5 2019 episodes made it into B and A tier? FIVE OV UM! I remember people hating season 13 and while it has its stinkers that I already talked about, there's a few episodes in here that hold up more than I remember. Probably the best screenwave season but that's really not saying much when I only like half of it.
120: Rambo (E41, 2008)
Just... a good episode, good review, good jokes, the basic formula of avgn in its prime.
119: Seaman (E136, 2015)
Unpopular opinion time, I don't think this is one of the best "modern" (9 years old now lol) episodes. I mean it's good, it has its funny moments but the ending conspiracy is dumb and was already done in Hong Kong 97 2 episodes earlier and the "it says fuuuuuck" thing goes on way too long.
118: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (E35, 2007)
"So I've never seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre so the reference is kinda lost on me but I actually still enjoy that one. The hillbilly character is funny and Mike as the obsessive fan is pretty great too, I didn't even know it was him until I saw the credits. This is how you make a good parody if the episode can stand on its own without having to know the source material."
The hillbilly seller is super underrated, that's all I can add to that.
117: The Last Ninja (E201, 2022)
I once ranked this as my 38th favourite episode, why? I think I said it better in my season 16 review:
"Like the review holds up well as one of the best in recent memory but the ernie bit at the end is just dumb and the episode isn't terribly funny either. I think I praised this one so much at the time becuase season 15 burned me so hard that my expectations were as low as possible but now watching it with the expectation of it being great I don't think it delivers fully. Still a good episode but not as good as I originally said it was."
The saddest thing about this episode is that James fails to make his "lost 2006 episode" convincing for no other reason than his hairline.
116-115: Dracula & Frankenstein (E57-58, 2008)
Solid Halloween episodes, many will point out how impressive the set is in the Frankenstein episode and yeah it is by did you know frankenstein is the name of my cat and not the scientist or the monster?
114: The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd Episode (E102, 2011)
Really your opinion on this one will depend on how much the idea of it interests you, I find it cool but I imagine some will find it boring.
113: Ghosts n' Goblins (E108, 2012)
Good Halloween episode, I have nothing to say. I've just been procrastinating for 2 hours so I'll speed it up.
112: Sega Activator Interactor Menacer (E143, 2016)
I think this one has been reevaluted in later years, this used to be such a hated episode but I see more people say they like now especially when you remember the episodes that came after. I like the slapstick and Keith has some funny bits ("I'll be right back!") but yeah I wish they actually showed the accessories more instead of just breaking shit.
111: Chex Quest (E171, 2019)
"Weird that a positive review ends up being much better than the other ones this season. I don't have much to talk about for this episode, it's just a nice, chill look at a surprisingly good game. And the brutal chex quest bit at the end was really funny."
I hate when past me has the same opinion as current me, it makes it hard for me to add anything.
110: Hong Kong 97 (E134, 2015)
As a kid this episode made me laugh the hardest of any I think with the whole "fucking ugly reds" thing, nowadays it's still funny but after the shock wears off it doesn't hit as hard compared to an episode like Atari sports that makes me laugh every time.
109: Bevis and Butt-Head (E141, 2016)
Yet another standerd good episode, entertaining review, fun references to the show, some pretty amusing drunk talk. Can you tell I'm running dry of material?
108: Die Hard (E28, 2007)
This episode is right in the middle of the list, yet it's another good one. At least that shows there's more episodes I like than I don't right?
107: Top Gun (E10, 2006)
"ASSSSS" yeah that's the only reason why this is in B tier. Also fuck the higher quality uploads real men watch the 360p original from 2006 with danger zone playing in the background in one part.
106: Star Trek (E49, 2008)
"Is it just me or does this episode feel really short? like it feels like it ends before it really starts. It's still a solid episode with some amusing star trek like wording, a fight against mike as some trek creature. The nerd also for once spares a game he actually doesn't think is that bad instead of the usual ending rant."
I'm only quoting my past self here so I can show you that I called a klingon "some trek creature" even though I never seen star trek I probably should've known what a klingon is, I think I had a lobotomy.
105-104: Metal Gear & Mario Is Missing! (E67&73, 2009)
I don't have much to say about either of these, both are solid season 4 episodes but I don't think they're the absolute best. I do think of "koopas capture king kong" a lot more than I should at least.
103: Darkwing Duck (E135, 2015)
I don't know why I like this episode so much, it's pretty basic all things considered but I think the review and jokes are quite good. It also introduced the shit scale which comes back in the screenwave era, woo.
102: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (E5, 2006)
One of the stronger season 1 episodes, and the one that arguably helped the nerd blow up in popularity. Like many first year episodes it could've been a little longer but it makes up for it with some iconic lines.
101: Home Alone Games with Macaulay Culkin (E164, 2018)
Does this count as a gimmick episode? Maybe, but I don't care I like this one. And yeah it's mainly for the novelty of having Macaulay Culkin there but he has some great lines as well:
"did you ever find anything in the bathtub?" "I found myself there once"
100: Earthbound (E156, 2016)
Time for another round of unpopular opinions!: I think this episode is good but I don't see it as one of the best like many others do.
I should mention that I actually beat earthbound for the first time earlier this year but my change in thoughts on this episode isn't because of differing options on the game, infact I agree with some of the nerds complaints mainly the item management, it's more just outside of a few great moments (particularly the magicant scene) theres not much I find entertaining about the episode as a whole, mainly in the review portion. It's still a good episode but I only go back to it when I'm rewatching the whole series.

1. Winter Games (E84, 2009)

Good and funny Christmas episode. It's also the last episode of the 2000s if that means anything, pointless trivia to fill the blank space where a review should be is my favourite thing.

1. Contra How I Remember It (E202, 2022)

I mean yeah it's kinda sweet and I like the discussion about the game but it's pretty damn long for what it is and the ending is probably a little too sappy for many, but I like it... don't listen to me though my opinions are always wrong.
97-96. Action 52 & Cheetahmen (E90-91, 2010)
Yeah, they're good, funny, something something. In the past I wrote about the Cheetahmen 2 scandal to pad my old review but fuck it I don't want to do padding this time.

1. Sega CD (E25, 2007)

It's a good classic era episode, but maybe it could've been longer, much prefer the 32X follow up.

1. Deadly Towers (E54, 2008)

Despite being written by anonymous internet people from the 2000s this episode is much better written than a lot of the episodes done by hired writers, sad.

1. Odyssey (E68, 2009)

Would've happily put it in A tier if the nerdy turd wasn't so annoying. But hey I like the console review episodes a lot so it's still really enjoyable for me.
PART 3 [to be added]

First time G owner, Bought a 2009 G37s 138k miles this sunday , it is salvage but I seen the pictures of the little damage it had and whoever repaired it did a hell of a job. I still can’t tell there was damage after looking at the pictures and in person. Interior is light tan seats with black dash , black steering wheel, and center console. No rips what’s so ever on any seats. No missing pieces inside or faded buttons, steering wheel ofc kinda peeling like most ive seen but nothing crazy. Only thing I noticed is I got a half lit up dash /: from 3k to like 6-7k rpm it’s really dim, the temp gauge is mostly dark aswell. Top side of speed too. But overall this thing is beautiful. has like 5 dealer manuals it comes with from dealer in the infiniti bag. first aid kit. i believe 30+ service records on carfax . Original Window sticker paper which says it was 41k in 09. Nav package , sport , package, and a bunch of other add ons, I think the first owner decked this thing out tbh. Got it in LA CA for $5500. What do yall think? Im hella excited i still havent processed it lol. ill try to add pictures of the interior later!

Hey guys, love theres a specific subreddit for this. Hoping some experts or people with experience can answer this. Im in the market for a work van and stumbled across a 2009 chevy express with the diesel Duramax. I like the van and the price but am worried about the mileage. 309,000KM or 192,000 miles. Full service history, 1 owner, new trans 75,000km ago.
Worth the investment to get a few years out of it? ts for my new business so would be devastating to fail in a year or so. Any input is appreciated

Alright, so, Pagtatag era has concluded, and since then it's been a blast. Though, that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about being a fan of SB19 or simply being an A'tin, also liking something that is not simply your thing before and being a fan of boy/girlbands in general, and why it became popular. The most famous question about it is, how you became a fan, or why did you become a fan, right? Well, it's simple really, just like any other individual who likes something or someone. It is simply because you are amazed by it or by them. You are captivated.
So, let's get into boyband/girlbands. Before, there's Jackson 5, NKotB, Menudo, BSB, Hanson, Boyzone, TLC, Spice Girls, Nsync, Boyz II Men, Destiny's Child, Westlife, 98 Degress and many more (can't really list all of them and these are mostly western artists lol). They are an automatic hit to the public, but little did we know that they are ridiculed as well by most genres outside of them, at least that's what I know back then. However, since people did not really care about it, they just continued their thing. Fast forward to this day, it is evident that they are the main inspiration of modern pop genre for many boy/girlbands. What I really want to talk about here is, why is it easy to accept them before than modern boy/girlbands.
I'm a straight guy in my early 30s, I never liked any boy/girlbands before in my teenage and young adult years (early and mid 20s). I'm a metal head, as the popular term for it. I'm kind of a musician myself and on a band before. Our main genre of music is circled on hardcore punk/emo, alternative/hard rock, blues, progressive/heavy metal, smooth/blues jazz and sometimes classical etc (Incubus, Pearl Jam, Dream Theater, Alice in Chains, John Mayer, Weather Report, Rush, Stone Temple Pilots, Tool, Motorhead, Primus, and so on). I'm the typical guy who don't like that "cutesy music" in the early 2010s like Justin Bieber, One Direction or Miley Cyrus when they started. When Kpop became a thing here in our country (2006-2009), I've only liked one group (Wonder Girls) and never did like any groups after that. Though, I did not bad mouth them in any way, but I admit, I questioned its popularity. The thing is, during those days, I realize that I liked legacy boybands like BSB, Nsync, A1 and so on and compared that they are so much better. Back in the day, as I mentioned, those boybands are kind of ridiculed too in the underground music, here in the country because of their "Pa-pogi demeanor music" that is not very "masculine" at all.
Now, going back to the question, why is it easier to accept the music of boy/girlbands before, than now? Yes, BTS and One Direction almost conquered the music industry as successor to the genre, but that's just about it, and they are still ridiculed outside of their genre (I'm not a fan of them by the way). I never liked them, but I admire their talent just recently. Now, Ppop is rising though I can't really say steadily. SB19 and other Ppop groups is now doing all they can to up the music of OPM and introduce Ppop to international stage, but they are still ridiculed. I for one, is also being ridiculed by my peers just because I like them and the genre itself. Though, I don't really mind and actually won't talk about it to them often. One time, I've shown one of my former bandmate and friend a performance of SB19 from Rappler (Ilaw). The immediate thing he noticed is their style of fashion and said "ambaduy ng suot nila". I retaliated immediately as well, if you don't like their fashion, don't look at it and focus on their singing instead. He then admitted that they're good, but still feel that he's just being "nice" to me since we're friends. I'm not saying my friends are constantly teasing or insulting me for liking SB19. It's just that, I guess it is natural, since it is not my thing before.
So, why is it easier to accept the music of boy/girl bands before? I think it's simply because of the fact that people don't really give an F on what anyone is saying most of the times. Now, social media is everywhere, and you can share something very easily in just one click. You can stream/watch music anywhere. Just like what I heard from an interview, that the popularity of artists before are considered as the "legitimate one" because everything is manual and hard copied. No digital consummations of music/product and mostly are analog as the term for it.
Anyway, going back to SB19, I always tell myself that, SB19 are the "Jesus" of Ppop haha just because they are the ones who constantly received all derogatory talks and insults when they started. They are the ones who simply received the first ridicule in modern Ppop (kpop wannabee, pa-cute, gender insults, etc.) before Ppop has been officially recognized all over the country. Til today, they are still the subject of ridicule just because they're "pogi and cute". I mean, obviously, other groups still receive those typical insults, but they are the ones that is heavily receiving it even before they debut, but like I said, the same as Jesus, they are also the ones who salvaged the genre of Ppop and be recognized as OPM. In conclusion, as always, people only look the imperfection of something/someone, before checking it first, but I guess that is the beauty of it sometimes because we will also see what can be improved from it. I admit, I'm still doing that as well. I guess, that is not in our control, as long as SB19 and other Ppop groups will do what needs to be done, time will only tell that Ppop and OPM is one that can rise exponentially in the music industry globally.
Thank you for going to my TEDxTalk lol..

let me start this post off by disclosing that i know next to nothing about cars or mechanics. i’m brand new to this and i’d really love some advice. my first car looks like it’s gone to shit, but i’m extremely attached to it and will do pretty much anything to repair her, especially considering i still have $3800 left on my loan repayment.
the car is a 2009 mitsubishi lancer gts. recently took it to a mechanic i trust and he said the subframe is completely rotted out and sent me these pictures. is it worth it to replace or is it time to get a new car? if it is salvageable, would really love if someone could link a good tutorial. thanks!

This post was made in the UFOs subreddit in August of 2023. The post was quickly locked and then deleted. The account that made the post was also deleted. I managed to salvage the post through archives and recreated it as accurately as possible. There is a TLDR at the end.
Most of rUFOs has probably not heard of Dr. Amy Eskridge. You should. This post is long, but this is a rabbit hole worth going down. Amy was an amazingly promising 34-year old woman working in Huntsville, Alabama, and was one of the worlds most promising anti-gravity researchers in the public domain.
She unfortunately died on June 11, 2022.
There have been major speculative claims surrounding how exactly Amy died. I do not have any evidence to support those claims. I don't even personally find those claims believable. I do, however, suggest it might be worth taking a second look into how she died, and exactly what is going on relating to anti-gravity research Huntsville, Alabama. Ross Coulthart appears to agree. Below is my initial research into this topic.
Background facts about Amy Eskridge:

• Amy received BS in chemistry and biology from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and then went on to receive a PhD in material science from the University of Alabama, Huntsville.
• She was the co-founder and President of The Institute for Exotic Science, a Public Benefit Corporation international research institute, described by Amy herself as "an international research institute specializing in propulsion, quantum gravity, material science and other related fields of cutting edge technology."
• She was the CEO and President of HoloChron Engineering, an anti-gravity startup "developing novel technologies leveraging quantum phenomenon." HoloChron's specialties are listed as: "Superconductors, Gravitomagnetism, Research and Development, Electroceramics, and High Voltage Pulsed Power."

Most notably from those points, at the time of Amy's death she had started "The Institute" which was a high-caliber research institute intending to research anti-gravity technologies in public. She notably was intentionally not working on anti-gravity as part of a "black project", or through the DOD/DARPA or even NASA (although they partnered with NASA). This was because she wanted the technology to be public, benefit all of humanity, and thought there was massive world-changing potential from a variety of promising research.
Amy's 2018 HAL5 Presentation:
When Amy was initially starting "The Institute" she gave a talk about it at the HAL5 conference. The full set of slides from her presentation are available here, and you can watch a video of her presentation in full here. It's a very interesting presentation, and makes a compelling case for anti-gravity research having some promise. There are a few key specific call-outs in this presentation that are worth noting.

• The audience of her presentation appears to be mostly composed of aerospace research scientists, people who work at defense contractors, NASA, and the like.
• The intent of the presentation was to make her institute known to the audience, to try to recruit them to come conduct research for her. Towards the end of her presentation she spends a lot of time detailing how she has "several billionaires" lined up, prepared to fund a wide variety of anti-gravity research in the public domain. She was using those funds to to recruit scientists to come work for her.
• In her presentation Amy details a variety of prior anti-gravity research. She specifically notes that these researchers published initial promising anti-gravity research in the public domain, and appear to stop publishing on the subject immediately following their first promising result.
• "Promising results always seem to disappear" (38:28)
• Amy calls out a prior Huntsville, AL based anti-gravity researcher named Ning Li who had been publishing promising anti-gravity results in the 1990s, and then "disappeared".
• She presents some prior researchers' work on anti-gravity, for example, noting a 2001 publication by "Torr, Vargas and Datta" that looked promising. The audience comments "I think they got some SBIRs... and then they disappeared." to which Amy responds, "yeah there's some evidence that they got some funding through a SBIR and then they kind of just fell off the map just like Ning Li did."
• She presents a variety of other research where typically what happens is there is an initial, promising anti-gravity result published in academia, after which the researcher stops publishing on the subject entirely. There seems to be a pattern of that happening.

While notable, the commentary from the audience is more interesting than the actual presentation from Amy herself. She had a Q&A section of the presentation at the end. I have transcribed some key Q&A moments from the audience below. The audience implies the "black-world" (secret research projects) is well aware of anti-gravity, spends a ton of money researching it, and basically forces any promising results to go dark/recruits the researchers to work for the "black world." If the researcher refuses, the audience seems to think the researcher runs a real risk of "disappearing."
2018 HAL5 Presentation Audience Q&A portion:

• Audience: (53:53) "You talked about funding, and uh, that seems to be the common denominator in all this stuff. Funding or lack of. Who is... where is there any money that you know of? Are you aware of any private money that's being spent on this? Is anyone talking to angel investors, or, that sort of stuff?"
• Amy: (54:14) "Let me give you the down-low on the money situation. So, you've got your black budgets. That obviously is well funded. And then you've got your academic budget which is non-existent because they think it's hokey. And then you have your random billionaires, who have a hobby, and they made their money doing something else. But they're applying their money towards weird anti-gravity stuff because they want to be known for something other than what they made their money in. So there's several, there's a handful of random billionaires running around, who fund these types of things. The Churches Chicken Fried billionaire funded the Hathaway Lab. The American Best Inn and Suites billionaire, Robert Bigelow, of course is Bigelow Aerospace. There are some others that I know of."
• Amy: (55:05) "But, we're really trying to address that problem with The Institute that we're doing, because I've seen government research, I've seen academic research, I've seen private research, and money is always the problem. The technology is never the problem. The technology is there. And the talent is there. So what we've done with the institute is we've sort of assembled some of these random people, with big budgets and a hobby, and we've said 'hey can we pool money into a big stable pot of money' so that we can have a safe well-funded sandbox for smart people to play in, and not have to worry about government election cycles affecting their budget, or tenure effecting their budget, or even when you find your billionaire sometimes the billionaire runs out of money, or loses interest, or disappears. So you can't just be dependent on one wealthy investor. You need a big pot of money that's stable, that isn't going anywhere. So that's what we're trying to do with the institute. Just fund the institute. And then pick projects that we think are promising, and then fund those. So we're kind of creating a new vehicle for funding this type of research. That's the approach I'm taking right now?"
• Audience: (56:40) "Is there any possibility of... I know this is probably hard, if not impossible to do... but cross-over between black-world and the illuminated world? Because frequently things move from the illuminated world into the black-world. And they disappear."
• Amy: (56:51) "Yeah. We've noticed that."
• Audience: (56:56) "But, I mean it's to the black-worlds advantage to keep the illuminated world going, because, that acts as a spawning ground for ideas that they might not have. The black world. So, it's not necessarily to their advantage to keep it completely stagnated. And potentially, since Griffin is now at the pinnacle of the group that controls DARPA, and he has a history that goes through UAH, there would seem to be possibly some fertile ground for some conversation..."
• Amy: (57:43) "Yeah, um, I've thought about that. The combination of the private and the public-private institution, and working with the 'blacker budget'".
• Audience: (57:56) "A quote from Griffin. 'NASA is no longer, by any means, a research organization.'"
• Amy: (58:04) "That is a Griffin quote."
• Audience: (58:06) "Yeah, that is a Griffin quote."
• Amy: (59:09) "Yeah, I imagine there are some strong opinions about Griffin in the room."
• Stuff gets awkward in the audience at this point, and Amy moves onto talking about corporate structure and why it's structured the way it is.
• Audience: (01:02:53) "SO WHAT ABOUT THE INNOVATOR WHO IS AFRAID OF DISAPPEARING?"
• Amy: (01:02:57) "Well, that's a whole 'nother problem. audience laughs I think doing it in the public is better in that case. That's a different..."
• Audience: (01:03:11) "That doesn't mean you won't disappear. Even if you do it in the public, that still don't mean the inventor won't disappear for lots of reasons."
• Audience: (01:03:20) "Like Ning Li!"

A few takeaways from this 2018 HAL5 conference audience Q&A:

• Both Amy and the audience imply, repeatedly, and take very seriously as if it's a "known-secret" amongst those in the know, that anti-gravity research moves from the "illuminated world" (public research) to the "black-world" (secret project) on this subject all the time, but not the opposite direction. They even reference the black world keeping the illuminated world "completely stagnant."
• Amy implies states that the "black-budgets" in this area of research are well funded. So the government is working on this, actively. Which government organization has a headquarters in Huntsville, AL? NASA.
• The audience states "frequently things move from the illuminated world into the black-world. And they disappear," which Amy acknowledges. This implies that the government swoops in, as soon as there is any promising research on anti-gravity, and takes it for themselves/forbids further public publication of it.
• The audience openly asks the question about inventors of anti-gravity research getting personally "disappeared" themselves which they all seem to think is a real problem. They take it serious. The room is filled with nervous laughter. They seem to think it happens. Amy thinks working on it in public will help, the audience disagrees. What does "disappeared" mean in this context? Murdered? Forced to work for the secret project? Something else? We don't know. The audience is uneasy about it.
• The "Griffin" they refer to I believe is Michael D. Griffin. At the time, he was the Under Secretary of Defense for Research and Engineering. He previously served for the Strategic Defense Initiative, and was the Administrator of NASA from 2005-2009. Apparently, Amy and the audience are familiar with the direct quote from Griffin, stating "NASA is no longer, by any means, a research organization." If NASA is not a research organization, what is it?
• Amy and the audience both specifically, repeatedly refer to a previous Huntsville, AL based anti-gravity researcher, Ning Li, who "disappeared" after publicly publishing promising anti-gravity research in the 1990s.

So who exactly is Ning Li?

• Ning Li was an anti-gravity researcher living in Huntsville, AL in the 1990s. She worked at University of Alabama Huntsville, and theorized that proper use of a superconductor could produce some anti-gravitational effects.
• A 1999 "Popular Mechanics" article was written about her. In 1999 she left UAH to form the "AC Gravity, LLC," company to continue anti-gravity research (this company still exists today). This company was awarded a $500K DOD contract in 2001, and then not much is known about it since. Publicly, Ning Li stopped publishing any further research and effectively "went dark." Nobody seemed to publicly know where she was, had heard from her... nothing. Amy even mentions this in her presentation, and nobody in the room appears to know what happened to Ning Li either.
• There was a lot of speculation about what exactly happened to her. Some popular theories included (a) that she had been killed, (b) that she had moved to China and was researching anti-gravity for the Chinese government, (c) that she was still in Huntsville, AL, and had continued her research but only sharing her findings privately for the US government/defense industry.
• From an article that came out in the "Huntsville Business Journal" three days ago, where a reporter contacted her surviving son, we now know the answer. The correct answer is (c) - she never left Huntsville, and worked on anti-gravitational research until she died in 2021, in Huntsville, AL.
• Her son confirmed "Dr. Li never left the DoD and never left the country to work for the Chinese government."
• Ning Li died in 2021 from very normal causes (nothing nefarious at all): complications relating to Alzheimer’s. Apparently Li continued to work at Redstone Arsenal every day until 2014 when Li was struck by a vehicle while crossing the street on the UAH campus, which caused permanent brain damage, potentially leading to the Alzheimer’s.
• Her son also notably commented he "noticed change in his mom after leaving UAH for the private sector. He says all the secrecy that comes with the job began to change her demeanor and behavior over the years." ... "When she was at University, she loved to publish her findings,” he recalled. “But after she got her top secret clearance, she wasn’t allowed to share anything anymore with anyone. She became much quieter. She would return from work looking worn down with her makeup messed up. It wasn’t like that when she was at the University."
• From the sound of it, "going dark" may not have been Ning Li's choice. It's possible the DOD compelled her to work for them if she wanted to keep researching anti-gravity.
• While I know absolutely nothing about anti-gravity technology and how it relates to superconductors, the patent for the "room temperature superconductor" LK-99 in the news this week cites a Salvatore Pais patent for a "Piezoelectricity-induced High Temperature Superconductor." Salvatore Pais is very same U.S. Navy scientist who patented the UFO anti-gravity craft and a high-frequency gravitational wave generator. You can find his patents here. Notable.
• In the 177-page document released a week ago, there's a statement about Ning Li made by AATIP scientist Robert Baker. "AATIP scientist Robert Baker who specialized in high frequency gravitational waves (HFGW) stated he hadn’t heard from Li in “several years.” She was working on HFGWs and superconductors for the US Army at Redstone Arsenal with AC Gravity, and Baker states she “never presented them with a final report” on the contract. Baker did not know where Li went or why she didn’t finish her contract. Baker also states he is working with Fangyu Li of Chongqing University on HFGW research at this time. In 2019, Baker clarified he was on the Army’s oversight committee for Li’s contract and that Li never delivered a final report not due to nefarious reasons, but because she “didn’t quite get around to it.” Baker states he has communicated with Li since then and she “would play a role” in his current HFGW research."

2020 "The Institute" Anti-Gravity Research Publication Blocked by NASA:
Following her December, 2018 HAL5 conference presentation Dr. Amy Eskridge did in fact launch "The Institute" doing exactly what she said it would: research anti-gravitational systems. Amy stated they had recruited several scientists from NASA Marshall Space Flight Center (located in Huntsville, AL). Over the next several years "The Institute" appears to have been making progress with their research, refining some work that had previously been done at NASA and other research facilities, and was potentially producing meaningful results. In September 2020, "Falcon Space" was attempting to present some of their own research at the "Estes Park" conference, and Amy Eskridge sent them a cease and desist order, claiming some of the material was not approved for release due to relations with NASA. Amy's statement about that C&D is below:

Amy Eskridge to Everyone: "Yes, I regret that I was unable to present the topic I had planned to. The theory and substantiating data I was planning to present is based on novel foundational work that was generated originally by a member of our team while a civil servant at NASA MSFC. This work has since then been further matured privately by The Institute. The foundational work done at NASA must first be approved by NASA for public release via their IP release mechanism before we can talk about our subsequent results publicly. A paper is currently under review by NASA for publication. We had hoped it would be approved in time to discuss here, but it is currently in the home stretch of publication. I expect it to be published within the next 30 days and I will be happy to distribute the publication to the group once it comes out."

Despite the claim the paper would be available within 30 days, I have not yet been able to find that paper. From the sound of it, both Amy/The Institute and Falcon Space wanted that research out in the public domain - they wanted to present it - and NASA was holding it up/preventing its release. It's not clear to me the paper was ever published, so if not, NASA must have permanently prevented it. If someone can find this paper, please do, and share it in the comments.
Amy's Untimely Death:
Not much more research came out publicly from The Institute or from Amy Eskridge following that September 2020 cease and desist until Amy died on June 11, 2022. The cause of death for Amy was not publicly disclosed, however, the same Twitter account that posted the C&D posted this tweet stating:

"We are still investigating the suspicious death of one of our former colleagues from NASA Hunstville, Amy Eskridge who was found dead from a gunshot wound last Friday. Expect a follow up and some interviews once we conclude our investigation."

That same Twitter later posts "'suspicious' has been downgraded to untimely and unexpected." and other replies on Twitter respond that Amy had been living in chronic-pain, stopped taking her pain medication, speculating the cause of death may have been a suicide.
If true, that's obviously a very sad outcome. R.I.P. Amy, and condolences to her family in all scenarios. The story would typically end there.
Franc Milburn Chimes In:
However, in September 2022, Franc Milburn, a retired UK intelligence officer, discussed on his podcast that he has been focusing his investigations into directed energy weapon use against scientists in the UAP field. These events are ongoing and have been reported to the highest levels of American defense & intelligence establishment. *Milburn personally knows a UAP/anti-grav scientist who was murdered. The directed energy weapons are responsible for Havana Syndrome; they can be deployed on trucks and are able to "fry" people through windows. * I do not believe Franc Milburn names the anti-gravity researcher he believed was killed using a directed energy weapon. When that podcast aired though, there was a Reddit post and a commentor surfaced Amy Eskridge's name at that time.
Last Week's 177-Page Document (Briefing?):
Then, in the 177-page document that came out last week containing UAP history, one of the entries references this claim as well. Note, the document claims Franc Milburn made claims about Amy specifically, when I do not believe he actually named her specifically on the podcast. Nonetheless, text of that document is included below: ​

(PUBLIC DOMAIN) - 15 June 2022 — Dr. Amy Eskridge, the 35 year old scientist & co-founder of the Institute for Exotic Science in Huntsville, dies in Huntsville, AL. Retired UK intelligence officer Franc Milburn claims she was targeted with directed energy weapons and murdered by a “private aerospace company” in the US because she was involved in the UAP conversation and working on advanced propulsion.
In 2020, Eskridge stated she was planning to present novel foundational work regarding antigravity but needed approval from NASA. In 2018, Eskridge and her father Richard Eskridge gave a talk on behalf of their company, HoloChron Engineering, a gravity modification R&D company, in which they discuss historical and current means of antigravity experiments and modern black projects allegedly developing triangle antigravity craft like the “TR3B.” Eskridge’s colleague Dick Reeves was also involved with the Institute; her brothers Michael Eskridge and Matt Eskridge were not.

Then, none other than Ross Coulthart is referenced in that same 177-page document, on the very last entry in the document. It references a statement from Ross from this past February.

(PUBLIC DOMAIN) - 28 February 2023 — Journalist Ross Coulthart states on a podcast that there are people “involved in high level physics” who worked in Huntsville, AL and disappeared. Coulthart says BAE Systems deserves a very close look because of “who they’ve taken over.”

Amy is a real anti-gravity researcher who actually died. We don't know how she died. Her death is terribly sad. I am NOT saying she was murdered. Please do not harass her family about this, I'm sure her family is still terribly saddened by her death. Frankly, the speculation in the 177 page document, apparently referring to the claim made on Franc Milburn's podcast, that she was murdered using a "directed energy weapon" seems outlandish to me. It sounds like a method that would attract a lot of attention, and if those energy weapons cause effects similar to "Havana syndrome," it would not be consistent with the "gunshot wound" style injury mentioned by her co-worker in the prior tweet. The only reason for using a method like that to murder someone would be to send a message to other researchers, making it very obvious to them what group committed the murder and to try to intimidate them not to disclose anything.
However, despite it being unlikely, it might still be worth researching Amy's cause of death more.
Huntsville, Alabama seems to be suspicious, generally:
Finally, on the general "anti-gravity" and/or UAP research happening in Huntsville, AL... just yesterday a story came out stating that Biden has declined to move the U.S. Space Command headquarters to Huntsville, AL. Apparently the U.S. Air Force leadership ran a study, and determined that relocating U.S. Space Command to Huntsville, AL was the right move. The USAF notably appears to be highly involved UAP crash retrievals, as well as blocking disclosure. If they think Huntsville, AL is the right place for U.S. Space Command, that raises the question of "why?" Could it be that Huntsville, AL is the "Silicon Valley" of UAP, anti-gravity, and exotic defense research? NASA has a huge HQ there, as does almost every other aerospace defense contractor. This 2013 article refers to Huntsville, AL being a "major target" for espionage, going so far as requiring the National Classification Management Society, Defense Security Service and Lockheed Martin Space Systems to host a security conference in the city. "Huntsville is a major target for foreign nationals (spies) working to obtain classified information," FBI spokesman Paul Daymond said. Perhaps the broader Huntsville, AL economic ecosystem is a storyline worth pursuing in the near future on its own.
Ross Coulthart even stated on a podcast on July 3, 2022:

A large number of the scientists are working on what's euphemistically called 'the program' in or around Huntsville, Alabama..that city has become the focus of a very intense espionage effort by overseas spy services. It had been reported to me by not one but two sources that there've been deliberate attempts to cause injury to people who are working on the periphery of that program and there was concern that some of the people are not being adequately protected….there's a concern that basically scientists working in essentially research related to ongoing antigravitics research are suffering harassment from overseas intelligence services.
“In Huntsville, Alabama, USA there’s a very black program underway that was previously run by a Chinese-American scientist called Ning Li…there is a very active anti-gravity program…I’m told there is equally an extraordinarily aggressive and nasty Chinese counterintelligence operation underway, to try to find out as much as possible through harassment and simple things like poison. There’s an espionage battle underway as we speak.”

THATS SUCH A LONG POST!!! HERE'S YOUR TL;DR: * NASA has their Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, AL. Many other aerospace defense contractors have HQs in Huntsville, AL as well.

• There appears to be a large number of anti-gravity research scientists in the Huntsville, AL area.
  
• Those researchers appear to be almost exclusively affiliated with either NASA or defense contractors, which apparently actually spend a lot of money funding anti-gravity research, despite academia funding virtually none.
  
• The U.S. Air Force wanted to move U.S. Space Command to Huntsville, AL, as recently as yesterday.
  
• Of the researchers that are NOT affiliated with NASA/defense, if they happen to publicly publish promising results, they tend to "go dark" shortly thereafter, and stop public publishing anti-gravity research. This has happened several times, with several different researchers, and Amy notes those instances in a presentation.
  
• It is speculated that many of those researchers are brought into the "black world" (secret projects) after publishing promising results, either by choice or by involuntarily (by force).
  
• Ning Li is an example of such a researcher, who initially published through the University of Alabama, Huntsville, but then "went dark." According to her son, she did not enjoy going dark. It may not have been her choice to go dark.
  
• Amy Eskridge was trying to change this "black world" system, by creating an organization to conduct anti-gravity research in the "illuminated" (not-secret) world.
  
• In 2018, Amy gave a presentation on this organization, to which many of the audience members were scientists. Those scientists sounded scared/wary that they would get disappeared if they joined her in this pursuit, openly commenting on this in the Q&A.
  
• Amy was blocked by NASA from disclosing her research in September 2020. NASA claimed they would allow it to come out within 30 days. It never came out.
  
• Amy then died in June 2022. There is speculation it is from a gunshot wound, and that the cause of death may be suicide.
  
• In September of 2022, Franc Milburn says he knows of an anti-gravity researcher in Huntsville, AL who has been murdered using a directed energy weapon. Reddit speculates he's referring to Amy Eskridge.
  
• In July 2023, a 177-page document is anonymously shared by Michael Shellenberger. That document rephrases Milburn's claim, stating Amy "was targeted with directed energy weapons and murdered by a 'private aerospace company' in the US because she was involved in the UAP conversation and working on advanced propulsion."
  
• That same 177-page document references Ross Coulthart stating that there are people “involved in high level physics” who worked in Huntsville, AL and disappeared. He is likely referring to Amy Eskridge or Ning Li.
  
• If this post is too long for you, just watch this one segment from her HAL5 conference. The audience question/her answer is notable.
  

I personally find the directed energy weapon claim implausible and difficult to believe. It might, however, be worth learning more about Amy's cause of death. However, even if her cause of death was not suspicious: what on Earth (or not? hah) is happening in Huntsville, AL where all of these scientists and researchers are "afraid of disappearing?" And why do they all seem to know a LOT about anti-gravity work being done by the government?

Heavy on the spoilers and devoid of all brevity, but if I do not get this off my chest I will lose my mind. I’ve been on a Shatter Me high all week. The first three books have altered my brain chemistry. I have said the words “Aaron Warner, the man you are” so many times I am beginning to question my sanity. I cracked open Restore Me last night, fully prepared to trust-fall into the arms of my #1 Fictional Boyfriend of all time.
So, um, what the fuck was that?
Look, I can forgive messy plotlines and overwriting, I can ignore ill-planned and lazily-executed rebel coups. I can even appreciate the absurd surplus of metaphors and similes crammed in between strings of dialogue, if for no reason other than comedic value.
What I can’t get behind is Book 4 Aaron Warner.
Seriously, who is this guy? Because I’ve gone through the five stages of grief, turned around and reread the entire book in frank disbelief, and the only conclusion I can possibly come to is that I’ve somehow picked up an imposter, written in very bad faith. When Adam Kent did a 180 in Ignite Me and went from “gentle, pathetic childhood crush who can suffer through Juliette’s touch in some small capacity” to “bitter, controlling ex-boyfriend driven mad with jealousy,” we all understood this to be much-needed fan service. Juliette was, after all, being an idiot; she needed a little push, to realize that Aaron Warner was the undisputed crown jewel. Most of us came to this conclusion two and a half books ahead of her, but better late than never. I walked away from Ignite Me feeling content. The power couple has been established. Anderson is dead. Juliette’s rise to Supreme Commander was satisfying, if a bit hasty. I went into Restore Me confident that, with Aaron at her side, Juliette could achieve anything.
The transition was…jarring, to say the least.

“The Reestablishment does not allow time for people to grieve.” - Book 3 Aaron.

(Alas, this is Book 4, and *insert obligatory Bob Dylan joke*)
The Times, They Are a’ Changin’
Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that Aaron is grieving, he is mourning, he is SAD. This is totally understandable, both to me as a reader and to Juliette as a character. It appears to be the guiding factor behind his new penchant for stonewalling and emotional blackmail. Before diving into THAT can of worms, I’d like to add a couple of bullets to my list of “Miscellaneous What-and-Why-the-Fucks:”

• Why does Juliette have zero advisors? Where is her council? Her attendants? Her scribe? Her translator? Her GUARDS?
• What, exactly, is Kenji’s job? She refers to him as her “second-in-command,” and while I adore his character, I can’t help but feel that lending snarky input does very little in the way of running a tight ship. Why is she entirely on her own?

Moving on.
A TIMELINE OF SHITTY EVENTS, IN WHICH I HANG UP MY ‘ADAM KENT’S #1 HATER’ JACKET AND SHRUG ON MY ‘AARON WARNER SUCKS’ VEST:

• Juliette is trying to make peace between two unruly schoolboys who refuse to get along at the playground. Sorry, Juliette is trying to make peace between two grown men, both of whom appear, in some capacity, involved in the running of North America. This is going “Not Very Well,” if Aaron’s botched haircut is any indication. Fortunately, he comes to terms with his Slim Shady Era, and while he’s clearly going through some things, I could roll with the punches and learn to love the buzz cut, if only he didn’t IMMEDIATELY TURN INTO THE JOKER AFTER THIS.
• Aaron knows better than anyone else about the role and responsibilities of a Supreme Commander. Still yet, he appears completely uninvolved in Juliette’s day-to-day regimen. He makes zero effort to inform her about details that might save her from needless embarrassment. Her fuck-ups seem imminent. Perhaps this is why he has no inclination to avoid them, nor lessen their impact on her pride or public image. Slim Shady is a lone wolf. He has completely forgotten that whole “I’ve told you from the start, we would make an excellent team” spiel. North America is a One-Woman (De?)establishment. Kenji appears to play the role of court jester, though he lends emotional support when necessary–and always with more empathy and forethought than Regent Warner, who, I might remind you, has the power of READING ENERGIES (“hers, especially”).
• Enter Delalieu, to inform Juliette her quarters are overflowing with unanswered mail, and worry that this may reflect poorly upon her as a new leader, to which she’s like “I have quarters?” This revelation comes on the heels of Castle’s memo that “all of her correspondence is being monitored.” I suspect somehow this is Castle’s fault, which brings me to my follow-up point.
• In Book 4, Castle becomes less of an incompetent hippie and more of a prick to Juliette. He terrorizes her with cryptic warnings, but refuses to divulge any information he may have about Warner’s past, which–given her new status–seems like it ought to be grounds for some sort of official noncompliance. He also had her reach out to the other supreme commanders “as an experiment.” It was at this point I decided I wasn’t a fan of how everyone kept undermining or making a mockery of Juliette at every turn. I couldn’t help but notice how Castle’s comments to Aaron about her went entirely unchecked. I am reminded, if you will, of that scene in Shatter Me, when Aaron staged a big spectacle in which a soldier was killed, to ensure his men knew not to fuck with Juliette. He seems to have forgotten this virtue, in Book 4.
• Despite being warned that Ibriham’s children are en route, Aaron lets a conversation with Kent take precedence over informing Juliette what to expect, how to dress, what to say, etc. Castle also informs him once Haider arrives. Juliette chooses to meet Haider without waiting for Aaron, but he should have been there regardless. He can FEEL her energy, he doesn’t need her to say it out loud to realize she’s insecure and needs him to be there, and she wouldn’t BE insecure about so much shit if he would step in and stop allowing everyone to make her the butt of every joke!!! Where’s that supportive boyfriend act you roped us all in with, buddy? Also, literally neither she nor Kenji know jack shit about politics, why would he let them walk into a meeting with the children of foreign leaders entirely blind?
• Speaking of the meeting with Haider, Aaron has a closet full of clothes organized by color and shade; yet he didn’t think to help Juliette pick out a new wardrobe for her designation as Supreme Commander? He literally chose her entire last wardrobe, and look, I get it, they’re busy with war things and his evil dad is dead and that’s sad and all, but don’t introduce us to a standard you can’t maintain! She goes to meet this snotty rich boy in BLUE JEANS AND A PINK SWEATER. Kenji “cringes” at her. This was so humiliating I literally felt my face getting hot when I read it.
• Again, Castle specifically *told* Aaron when Haider arrived, but when he and Juliette discuss it later, he turns it around on her to justify why he didn’t show up to support her!

“You didn’t tell me he’d arrived earlier. I wish I could’ve been there to assist somehow.”
Like, are you fucking kidding me? Again, he can FEEL her energy; he is well aware that she spent that meeting getting humiliated, and still decides to make his absence a product of her incompetence. Like, his entire pep talk after this left me filled with visceral rage.

• Allow me to share this absolutely infuriating passage in Aaron’s POV:

“She [Nazeera] has the same long legs and lean frame as her brother, and she carries herself with great pride, like someone who was born into position and privilege. She wears a gray tunic cut from fine, heavy fabric; skintight leather pants; heavy boots; and a set of glittering gold knuckles on both hands.
And I’m not the only one staring.
Juliette, who’s been watching quietly this whole time, is looking up, amazed. I can practically see her thought process as she suddenly stiffens, glances down at her own outfit, and crosses her arms over her chest as if to hide her pink sweater from view. She’s tugging at her sleeves as though she might tear them off.
It’s so adorable I almost kiss her right then.”

Are you fucking SERIOUS? So she is here, dying of embarrassment, already feeling inferior because she’s comically underdressed and only speaks one language, and his response is to GAWK AT A HOT GIRL IN FRONT OF HER AND INFANTILIZE HER IN HIS INNER MONOLOGUE. “I’m not the only one staring” ???? Be so for real right now, like I am lost for words!

• Aaron is “fairly certain” and generally insistent that Castle’s suspicions will prove false. Like, why would Castle just be pulling random hunches like this out of his ass? When I read it, I was like, “Hmm, kinda sounds like Aaron is just rationalizing why he isn’t going to tell Juliette any of this.” Spoiler alert: I was right.
• Aaron sits in silence and watches Juliette flounder helplessly while trying to explain to Haider how she only sort of knows what the “Continental Symposium” is.* OH YEAH, DID I MENTION IT IS ALSO TWO DAYS AWAY? Like, Aaron clearly knows this is a big deal, it appears to be a tradition of sorts. Why is he once again letting his girlfriend be humiliated and condescended by their guests? He also *CRINGES,* he CRINGES at her for not knowing about it. Like, at this point I am beginning to greatly resent this man.
• He also doesn’t defend Juliette when Haider calls her “some idiot psychotic girl” TO HIS FACE. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. Actually, SHE steps in and defends HIM. I wish she hadn’t. After this, in his inner monologue, Aaron is like, “I wonder if she knows I would do anything for her.” FUCKING DO SOMETHING WARNER, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
• Juliette peeks in on Aaron in his office, finds him listening to old vinyl, discovers he likes Bob Dylan. ME TOO, BUDDY, I’ve seen him live. Might I suggest a little less “Like a Rolling Stone” and a little more “Just Like a Woman,” “Tangled Up in Blue,” “Lay Lady Lay,” ‘COZ I AM BEGINNING TO HATE YOUR ASS FOR THE WAY YOU ARE TREATING JULIETTE!
• Again, Aaron is fully aware of Castle’s warnings that people are coming for Juliette. WHY is she walking unarmed and unguarded on the beach at night? That’s right, because he ran off with Haider to count gold coins or suck each other off or something, leaving her to be sad and alone and not on the lookout for danger. Once again, he fails to come through and keep her safe, and she gets hit with some kind of bullet or dart or something.
• AGAIN, why is Castle allowed to stand here and disrespect Juliette right to Warner’s face, invalidate her and tell him how HE should have been the one who became Supreme Commander? Like, she already has zero support around her whatsoever and this rat is allowed to talk shit about all the things she does and doesn’t know, what she gets told, and potentially also her MAIL. Why hasn’t Warner killed this fucker yet? Warner, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?
• Remember when Aaron was clever? Yeah, me too. He seems to have abandoned that trait in Book 4. Things like “taking basic precaution” no longer hold any precedence. He and Juliette have, however, found the time to fuck twice, despite having no time or opportunity for all the critical conversations they’re not having that could have redeemed Aaron Warner in my heart and mind. P R I O R I T I E S.
• *slams the back of his head against the wall in frustration* I actually had an ex who did this once when I caught him cheating. It is not something intelligent people do, in my experience. I am beginning to hate Aaron the way I hated Adam. Side note, I still hate Adam. Glad he kind of disappears after the first couple of chapters.
• Great, Juliette is now hallucinating from poison bullets. Good thing Aaron is there to…look really scared and terrify her even more. Moral support? Don’t know him! Just…staring fearfully, jumping in to prevent her from going outside. Maybe a pat on the head or something would help…no? Okay then.
• At this point he decides it’s time to fess up. He couldn’t have chosen a worse time, by the way. Juliette asks if it’s okay if she washes the blood and sand off first (she was just attacked on the beach, remember?). She is clearly still sick and “hallucinating” (seeing the bright white lights outside of her window, the way people do right before they die). Maybe he could…I don’t know…HELP HER? Run her bathwater? Help her clean up? Yeah no, he just nods. She can do all that by herself, just like everything around here. Juliette, girl, if you don’t kick this deadbeat to the curb I’m gonna SCREAM. P.S.: WHO IS THIS MAN? THIS IS NOT THE AARON WARNER I KNOW. Remember how he remembered to bring gloves and a coat for her before he dropped her off at Omega Point? They weren’t even dating yet. How hard did he slam his head into the wall? Maybe he should keep going. Maybe he would like a little help? I’m not busy at all rn.
• See the thing is, now Aaron has to do a big fess up about Juliette’s life. He’s obviously lied and withheld some vital information, but more importantly he spent a couple of years torturing a sister she doesn’t know about yet. And while I realize he didn’t have any CHOICE in this particular matter, I also loathe him at this point for a ton of other shit he’s done leading up to this, so it’s really hard to feel sorry for him when–REALLY THEY FIND TIME TO FUCK AGAIN AT THIS POINT? SOMETHING IS FUCKING WRONG WITH THESE TWO. I can’t help but notice she’s “crawled on top of him” both times now. Guess she’s doing all the work in the sack, as well. Remember that “flip over on your stomach” line from Ignite Me? That guy is dead now. This dude blows and I hate him. Separate LOL at “onto to the floor.” That’s really in there. You can check.
• So the only time these two can communicate is during coitus. Cool. Maybe instead of reminding each other of their mutual love, they could reinforce their bond with something like…confessional hour? Maybe Aaron could use his energy to feel her energy and figure out something safe to say, that isn’t super fucked up and wrong. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.
• CONFESSION TIME! She starts crying when he gets to the “Reestablishment is coming for you, they’re coming to take you back” part. This is pretty reasonable, but he doesn’t pause to reassure her about it before he’s like, “Oh yeah and about your SISTER–” At this point she actually asks him to stop, probably so she can digest some of this horrifying information, but he says, and I quote, “No.” I really feel like he could have paused for a few minutes to let her process, maybe find some solid ground to stand on(since the man whose lap she is sitting in is a spineless moron and awful boyfriend, and thus not at all likely to be of any assistance).
• Juliette panics. Again, this is not entirely unjustified. Aaron speaks seven languages, none of which are “reassurance,” or “comfort,” and so when she actually gets up and runs away he just…accepts it. I want a refund. I want the first three books to apologize for love-bombing me. I made this man my #1 book boyfriend of all time. THIS Aaron Warner…this man is a fraud and I hate him. She should honestly just hook up with Kenji. At least he still calls her princess. Has Aaron called her love even once in this book? It’s possible I missed it, over the sound of his ceaseless letdowns from Chapter One onward.
• Aaron has a panic attack. Luckily his nemesis Kenji is there to comfort him. Why is no one worried about Juliette? While we are all crying over Warner’s psychosomatic breakdown, she is hysterical, hallucinating poison, has a voice in her head, and is being hunted by some kind of evil bureaucrats and possibly her own parents.
• Allow me to share yet another passage that made blink in disbelief:

He [Kenji] shakes his head. “You just can’t, man. You can’t be with someone and keep that many secrets from them.”
“It’s never stopped me before.”

At this point, Mafi, I already hate him. You did not need to include this passage, at all.

• **PARAPHRASING** Kenji’s like, “Hey man, you’re kind of being shitty to your girlfriend by not telling her about things like all your exes.” Aaron is like, “Well, I wouldn’t have ever done anything to hurt her (barring all those things I did to hurt her), but since I already lost her, who cares? Water under the bridge!” To which Kenji reminds him that ‘water under the bridge’ means Juliette can go out and fuck someone else, and Aaron doesn’t like the idea of that, so he decides he probably wants to fix things, after all.
• Aaron: “You couldn’t have called, Lieutenant? Isn’t that what our phones are for?”

Nothing significant here, although it is news to me that they have phones. When did they get phones?
Anyway, turns out Delalieu tried to call him, but Warner disconnected his phone. Can we like, demote this guy or something? This guy SUCKS.

• Juliette chooses the moron’s escape route (blind sprint into the open night), and gets snatched up by Jazeera (who can fly). This is the first time Jazeera has shared said secret with anyone, which she confides when they land in a tree. It’s a really great time for these two to kiss, and it’s only fair. After all, Warner never had any friends, so this childhood friend of Warner’s technically doesn’t count. Juliette lets Aaron block her blessings once again, but Jazeera is nonetheless more emotional support than Kenji and Aaron put together. You know, I usually read fantasy to ESCAPE the disappointing reality of Men. This book is reminding me they manage to infiltrate even sacred spaces like fiction. Jazeera is sucking on a hard candy, and I’M turned on, but Juliette is sad, so I’ll be quiet.
• Jazeera tells Juliette that Warner isn’t a bad person. Unfortunately, I must disagree. She’s still hot so I’m still listening.
• Lena Mishken? Yeah, no, never heard of her, but once again thank the gods for Jazeera, who spills the tea. It is…entirely embarrassing that since-revoked #1 fictional boyfriend Aaron Warner would let this information have to come to his girlfriend through a near stranger’s gossip, but turns out Lena is Aaron’s EX-GIRLFRIEND. I wonder how he could forget to mention a thing like that. Maybe Good Guy Aaron Warner didn’t anticipate she would still be part of the global, troubled teen Brady Bunch they’ve all been part of since they were kids, who are all apparently coming to visit. I’m not sure why he didn’t anticipate this, and I’m also not sure why all these people are showing up for this “Continental Symposium.” Symposiums typically involve presentations of some sort, that is the extent of my knowledge. I am sure if that was the case here, Warner would conveniently forget to remind his girlfriend about it. I am truly convinced at this point he gets off on humiliating her, so he’ll really enjoy making her walk on stage unprepared for something like this. I personally preferred when he was firmly ddlg/cgl coded in books 1-3. Uhhh, I would have appreciated a tw for this kind of content rebranding, but no matter.
• Did I mention Lena and Aaron were together for TWO YEARS?
• Did I mention Lena and Aaron only broke up EIGHT MONTHS AGO?
• Did I mention the Reestablishment is planning to destroy Sector 45?
• Also Lena is Russian. That seemed arbitrary, unless we are just supposed to know she’s extra hot or something. I don’t think Juliette needed any more tearing down, actually, but duly noted!
• Lena shows up outside of Warner’s room. Let me include this tiny snippet from his POV:

“Open the door, asshole.”
“You never did hold back with the flattery.”

Okay, this second line is what I would consider ‘flirting’ and I don’t like that. Good thing I decided I cannot stand this man like, twenty chapters ago, so at least this isn’t anything unexpected by now. This character is utterly irredeemable to me, and I wish I could act like I didn’t cry about it, but I can’t. I am devastated by the character assassination that took place in this book.

• Next up, Lena is attacking him because he broke up with her through a letter to his mom. Nothing surprises me at this point. Also, there is this:

She’s still thrashing against me, landing several kicks at my shins when I finally manage to gentle her arms and pull her close.

Suddenly, she stills.
My lips are at her ear when I say her name once, very gently.

This is an...awfully intimate way to subdue your ex-girlfriend. This would end any relationship in its tracks, for me. Also Kenji is here watching this all happen. He will not say a word to Juliette about it, if my guess is correct.
Why…did the author do this? I am literally sick to my stomach. This is worse than never getting a fourth book. I am really so hurt.

• Juliette has gone 2009 Britney and shaved her head. I really cannot take anymore humiliation of this protagonist who spent two and a half books learning how to make eye contact with other human beings and is now being torn down and betrayed by every single person she has ever cared about.
• For some reason Kenji and Warner walk in at this point. She is obviously wrecked and in her underwear, with a half shaven head. It’s nice to confirm that Kenji has sided with Warner in the breakup. This is the most debasing experience for me. Like I was really here for the found family and learning how to trust in love tropes. I wish I had never opened this one, to be quite honest.
• Warner talks to Juliette like she is a small, crippled animal (she is, essentially, and I would call this at least 75% his fault, but moving on). She is pathetic and drunk and we’ve all been there and I do not want to listen to her idolize her piece of shit boyfriend she broke up with but will get back with in the morning. She begs him to stay and hold her and he obviously can’t do that and still play the victim so he goes to the living room. I am honestly sick to my stomach.
• Warner has some “woe-is-me” inner monologue that I skim because I hate him with a burning passion at this point.
• Juliette wakes up and is, predictably humiliated. Now she has to go in front of all these terrible rich snobby assholes after manic shaving her head bald the night before. The author attempts to turn it into a big empowering moment, but this simply is not realistic as the author has just spent the entirety of the book tearing down and crippling every shred of confidence this girl gained over the course of the first three books.
• Lena is transphobic. That is an odd detail. Moving on.
• Warner tells Juliette he likes her hair. She asks him why he didn’t mention Lena. He tells her it “wasn’t a real relationship.” He tells her it was “purely physical.” The only explanation at this point is that the author did not want to write another book, but then she continued o write books after this so…I have no idea why she destroyed this man’s character so meticulously. I am honestly at a loss for words.
• Juliette is reasonably upset about this, and Warner launches into explanations and excuses for why he doesn’t think before he speaks or consider her feelings the way he did when he was trying to steal her away from Adam. Like, at this point it is safe to say Adam Kent was telling the truth, despite the fact that he also sucks very hard.
• He’s like “blah blah before you I never wanted to get close to anyone.” Well you clearly had no problem getting CLOSE to her, but you also refuse to be emotionally vulnerable with Juliette, so all of this is useless rabble and he is just a narcissist trying to win back a girl who will probably forgive him at the end of the day, to her own undoing. He says some lies and then ends with, “Give me another chance. Please. I swear on my life I won’t disappoint you.” Yes, yes, this is what they always say. If you keep refusing he’ll promise to go to therapy, too, Juliette, this is a universal experience and not the one any of us wanted when we cracked open this book. He kisses her after that and it’s special because it’s in front of all these people he’s been humiliating her in front of for like however many days it’s been now.
• After their kiss, Juliette runs away for…I don’t know. Theater?
• Castle shows up and pretends to be a father figure to Aaron, for some reason. I don’t like him so I don’t care to elaborate.
• Juliette stands at a podium and gives a speech about what she wants to make better in the world and nobody wants that so a bunch of people in the crowd advance on her and she gets shot in the forehead but she’s invincible somehow. Once the first bullet doesn’t do anything they all start shooting. It’s okay because she screams and kills 554 people, which may or may not have been real, I’m not really following at this point. She runs through all her old friends, most of whom she’s just killed, and then a couple greet her and tell her they’re her parents and they’ve come to take her home.
• Warner’s POV is blank. He’s probably still alive. Who cares? He’s ruined either way.
• Juliette wakes up in a child’s bedroom. Spoiler alert: it’s hers. She starts snooping and finds a letter from Warner’s dad about how they’ve found a suitable family for her (she is obviously the “her”). She finds photos of her and her sister before school, then photos of her, her sister, and Nazeera. Oh yeah, then she finds a photo of her and Aaron together as kids. Her real name is Ella.

This is all good and fine, the plot twist was even cool. But there is literally no salvaging what was done to Aaron Warner’s character or his relationship with Juliette in this book. Like, what was the point? I literally have cried way too many times about this and I thought reading it a second time would convince me I am being dramatic or embellishing the level of betrayal I feel but no, like, I am certain this was devastating.