Hott things you can say to your husband to turn him on

Exes girlfriend causing problems. Need advice

2024.05.15 17:30 Own-Ad-558 Exes girlfriend causing problems. Need advice

Me (39F) and my ex husband (39M) divorced a few years ago. We have three kids together.
I will admit that the divorce was due to my infidelity. I was in an almost 2 year relationship with someone i thought i was in love with. My ex husband found out and confronted me, i was tired of living a lie, and i confessed which i think he should have given me some credit for. I did not try to lie, and also told him it was not the first time i had had an affair because i wanted to be honest with him. I ended up leaving the house for two weeks and went to visit my cousin in another state. After a couple of weeks, he asked if i wanted to try couples counseling. He didnt want the family split up and deal with disrupting their lives, the kids were all teenagers and would be adults soon, could we wait until they were 18. I told him no, i had made my choice. To be fair, we had been living seperate lives for about 5 years prior to the divorce (seperate bedrooms, didnt eat dinner together, totally seperate lives). So it wasnt like we both didnt see this coming but he was still pretty upset.
He was very amicable during the divorce, but I do have regrets. The man i was seeing didnt end up leaving his wife, and in my affair fog (and guilt) i gave my ex husband everything. The house, car, didnt ask for alimony, didnt request child support, just that he pay the expenses for our kids extra curriculars. I do regret not asking for child support because i am now trying to support myself and kids with only my income.
Anyway, during most of my divorce my ex was fine. We had a shared birthday party, i was allowed to come to the house whenever i wanted. It was great.
My ex husband met someone a couple of weeks before our divorce was finalized, so we were still married. She didnt reach out to try and meet me so i found her at a basketball game and introduced myself. She smiled and said hi and told me her name and then returned to her conversation. Completely ignoring me which I felt was disrespectful. I let it go.
Immediately after our divorce was finalized my ex shut down. He stopped running to grab things for me when i needed them (prior to this hed run and grab me stuff for work if i couldnt leave). He stopped responding to my friendly texts, wouldnt help me move when i was moving to a new apartment from my old one, I showed up to the house at one point and he text me after that he doesnt want me in his house anymore (it was my house for almost 15 years and my kids live there half the month). I truly felt like this was his new girlfriend, because everything was fine up until she showed up in the picture.
A few months later I find out she has kids. I was extremely upset because i was not told any of this about her. I knew nothing about her at all from him. On top of that, i found out she is not the primary parent. Her kids live with their dad 80% of the year apparently. I admit i did react harshly (as any parent would do when they find out this info) and texted my ex that i was very upset as he never told me she had kids and i did tell him that due to her custody arrangement i was concerned she was a child abuser and i told him i would like sole custody of our children and would be contacting an attorney. I did this, but a background check on her came up clean so i did not proceed (im still not convinced on this because just because she didnt get caught doesnt mean it didnt happen) but after that things got sour. I tried explaining that I was only concerned about my kids but he didn’t care.
A year goes by and one of my friends said she had seen her and she looks pregnant. Turns out this genius accidentally knocked her up. I texted him and asked if they were expecting and he said yes. I did fly off the handle because I was not told this by him. I had to find out through the grapevine. I was humiliated because i had no idea. They had a huge gender reveal with all of my kids and her kids and were actually celebrating this. So my kids are being taught that getting someone pregnant after a year is acceptable. I understand accidents happen but it should be presented that way and not with a party with my kids present.
At this point im concerned for my kids safety, but i figured it was the first relationship post divorce and he would probably leave her soon enough anyway. But now shes went and got pregnant so shes going to be around my kids permanently. I told him again i wanted her away from my kids because she could be dangerous and i know nothing about her and she has not even attempted to get to know me to make me feel more comfortable. i told him those concerns that she doesnt want to get to know me and obviously has cast judgement on me for my past. That is the only reason i could think that she wouldnt try to get to know me or respect me enough to talk to me in public. I also told him my concerns that everything was fine in our coparenting relationship until he met her.
My ex told me “she hasnt judged you. She is offended because you have repeatedly called her a child abuser and have told people that she is dangerous to be around children. Some of the kids friends wont even come over to our house anymore and youve humiliated her. The custody arrangement she has is because her ex moved away while she was in PA school and she knew she couldn’t give them the life they would have with their dad during that time. A child abuser would not be getting their kids every summer and every holiday. You also get upset and tell me she doesn’t care about our kids because she wont drive them to school. Shes too scared to be alone around them because of your accusations, and shes also tried to not make the situation worse by stepping on your toes”.
I am frustrated because he doesnt seem to understand where i am coming from. ANY mother would be concerned about this given her custody arrangement and i am being treated like im a monster by him. I have a right as a mother to know who is around my kids.
Im frustrated because i see pictures of them taking just her kids to the childrens zoo. I confronted him on this and he said he didnt think our teenagers would want to go to a petting zoo, so he took them during my custody time, but next time would invite all the kids.
Its been a few years now, theyre still together, and i feel like she has started majorly overstepping. She sent me a message with concerns about my daughters mental health and told me that i should try talking to her when she goes back home because she was “concerned”. This is the only time shes ever initiated contact with me and its about my kids (i dont need his girlfriend contacting me about my kids, he needs to). At the time i didnt see any issue with my daughters mental health so i ignored it. A few months later, i get the same thing. That shes “genuinely concerned” about her mental health as my daughter seems to be depressed, shes torn the house apart, and some of the little things she says are indicating she might be depressed and it is “presenting as anger”. At the time i thought my daughter just had severe anger problems and i didn’t need some random girl messaging me about MY children. I flipped out and threatened to sue her if she contacted me again because at this point two texts about the same thing was excessive and I felt harassed. My daughter ultimately did get diagnosed with major depressive disorder and is on medication now and is doing well, after her guidance counselor reached out to me (which is who it should have come from to begin with, or her dad, but not the girl my ex husband is playing house with).
Theyre now engaged, and i still feel like he cares way more about the child they had together (and her kids) than the children we share together. Ive talked to my kids about moving in with me full time and told them they do not deserve the way their dad is treating them and acting as if he replaced them. They said no, they like the arrangement theyve had over the years and he coaches their sports teams so that would be weird anyway. I agreed with that and let it go.
I just want to know if anyone else has ever been in my shoes or advice on how to move foreward. I want my coparenting relationship back, but no matter how friendly i am to my ex he sends me one word answers. Never responds to my “how are you” texts. Only responds to me if its about the kids (and sometimes will respond to them about the texts i send. If one of the kids needs money he sends it directly to them and doesnt even acknowledge my text message). I do feel like he is being coached by his fiance and that she has turned him against me, and with her in the picture for the foreseeable future i am worried it will never change. Its clear she does not like me and i think shes making him hate me too and i dont know how to move foreward. All of my divorced friends seem to have great coparenting relationships and this whole thing is so embarassing that i just tell them my ex and i are still best friends but with the way im treated in public at the kids games it feels like they probably know that isnt true. I just want to know how to mend things with my ex. If i had known things would get this bad i would have just stuck it out for another few years.

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2024.05.15 17:30 Own-Ad-558 Ex husbands girlfriend causing problems

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2024.05.15 17:27 scriptorpress The Cenacle 124 April 2024 *Just Released*

The Cenacle 124 April 2024 29^th Anniversary Issue
https://scriptorpress.com/cenacle/124
[Size = 13.6 MB]
Hello everyone,
Here comes the just-released Cenacle 124 April 2024. Returning to the desired quarterly issue cadence that has been missing for the past couple of years. It was hard doing this issue without the usual many years’ involvement of my dear poet friend, the late Judih Weinstein Haggai, but her poetry features in this issue nonetheless, & will remain so in each issue ever on.
Thus far, 2024 for the human world has been a fairly dark one. The global Pandemic has not ended, though millions risk sickness & death for themselves & others by choosing to join in a kind of mass amnesia about the crisis. Meanwhile, the climate crisis continues to get the same kind of hostile indifference. The genocide in Gaza goes on unabated by any of the many powerful & supposedly democratic nations of the world. And a likely felon has jazzed the US electoral process, its weaknesses & flaws among its many strengths, to be within reach of again taking over &, as he has vowed, taking revenge.
I can’t tell you that this literary journal operates toe to toe on the global scale to oppose these various human catastrophes, but I can say that if we don’t seek Beauty, & Nature, & look beyond the petty fuckeries of the current day, we are much more likely to be lost than if we find a way to do this.
This fine anniversary issue features new poetry by Tamara Miles, Martina Reisz Newberry, Colin James, Sam Knot, Jimmy Heffernan, Judih Weinstein Haggai, & myself.
Also new fiction by Timothy Vilgiate, Algernon Beagle, & myself. And classic fiction from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
And new prose pieces by Nathan D. Horowitz, Charlie Beyer, & myself.
There is also new graphic artwork by AbandonView, Epi Rogan, Louis Staeble, Kassandra Soulard, Sam Knot, Tamara Miles, & Nathan D. Horowitz.
Contents of this new issue include:
From Soulard’s Notebooks [Excerpt]
I find myself leaning back often into 3 questions that I believe most influence human psychology & human culture:
1) Why are we here?
2) Where are we from?
3) What are we supposed to be doing?
* * * * * *
Feedback on Cenacle 123 [Excerpt]
I made it to the first poem by Judih Weinstein Haggai, sank into it, breathed it, needed it, and couldn’t go further into the issue yet. But it’s beautiful. And Kassandra Soulard’s cover photo: wow.
(Tamara Miles)
* * * * * *
From the ElectroLounge Forums:
Selections from Unknot 24, Part 1[Excerpt]
A project that I expect to work on for the rest of my life and never finish is a kind of art project playing with meaning making and the first few layers of knots, so this is all part of that really. I suppose it is a way to give a kind of focus or even kind of “abstract grounding” to some other kind of activity which isn’t necessarily even directly related to or about it.
(Sam Knot)
* * * * * *
Haiku from a Silent Retreat (7/31/2021) [Excerpt]
by Judih Weinstein Haggai
Everybody!
Are you everybody?
I’m not either
* * * * * *
Notes from New England:
Dream Raps, Volume Thirteen [Excerpt]
by Raymond Soulard, Jr.
Now that my friends are gone, the very shy Creatures who sometimes visit my hovel begin to come out, sniffing friendly their hellos. Accept my offer to cluster with me under the blankets, them being cold as ever when outside of the White Woods. White Bunny, Hedgedyhog, Peppermint Bears, Kittees & their Friend Fish. Alvinarah Poesy, & his dear friend Naria Narwhal. Even that cackling little Imp is under there somewhere. They never stay long, but I love them passing through. They’re excited about the Rutabaga Festival & Fleastock in the White Woods, I’m guessing.
* * * * * *
Becoming Archaeology: A Eulogy for Living Moor. (Part Two) [Excerpt]
by Sam Knot
It moves me more than any painting
or poem, seems to encode more meaning,
personal & planetary, than any other art,
this simple offering. This intricate gift.
* * * * * *
Notes Toward Many Musics [Excerpt]
by Raymond Soulard, Jr.
I believe a Narrative should always lead with the best it has, its most potent moment or image or the like. And let this lead set its standard. When I think of the Narrative options for these poems, I come back every time to starting from the start. These poems build on years & years of the work it took to get the six Brother-Heroes reunited rightly, after telling their unique stories as rightly as possible too. I did the best thinking & writing that I could.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Martina Newberry [Excerpt]
Tall on the dirty stage,
from my notebook I conferred
my poems. No time limit,
no faces, noises of shifting
dust and cars out there somewhere,
I read for many minutes,
emoting here and there,
hands rising and falling,
singing through some.
* * * * * *
Rivers of the Mind (A Novel) [Excerpt]
by Timothy Vilgiate
I could not help but fear that he’d attack me as I laid there; I lost count of how many times I got up to check my locks or to peek underneath the bed. I turned over and over, rocking the mattress like an unsteady boat, straining to keep my eyes shut. It was no use. Midnight came, and I was still awake; my hair matted over my irritated face, my blanket clutched in between my hands over my mouth as I tried to stop myself from sobbing. But I couldn’t let it see me cry. I couldn’t let it even see me blink.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Tamara Miles [Excerpt]
A lion’s music—a carnival of sound, beyond the roar of reserve, park, zoo, circus, and
safari, the wild kingdom beyond the definition of safe and unsafe, cruel or kind, in
sub-Saharan Africa, or in India, Gir forest, where the heart beat and drum beat and
incense are heavy.
* * * * * *
The Lagoon of the Air Goblins (Travel Journal) [Excerpt]
by Nathan D. Horowitz
I’m dehydrated from the sun today. I haven’t rehydrated. My hydration’s out of wack. It seems an eternity, maybe two, since I ordered a glass of papaya juice. Inside the café, mysterious café things may be happening, involving blenders and workforce and fruit and power. Time’s ticking by and it sounds like trees falling into a river. I glance at the red and white checkered tablecloth and remember I’ve always hated red and white checkered patterns. Serafín the educator said he would meet me here to tell me about the Secoya cosmovision, and he isn’t showing up.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Colin James [Excerpt]
Episodically craved by adolescents,
Prometheus displays his tats
behind The Dollar Store in Bonita.
The one with the plastic pillars.
* * * * * *
Mad Jack (Prose) [Excerpt]
by Charlie Beyer
We were longhaired teenage criminals. I looked like Jesus and my best buddy had flaming red shoulder-length hair, the devil to rival my divine look. Scott the Red. We were all hair, except Mad Jack (or Bob, as I knew him), who was as shaved as a plastic bag. We all sat in the car outside the 7-11 in the night rain. Blue smoke trickled out of the cracked window. Inside was a haze of marijuana smoke tainted with opium. We were high and crazed.
* * * * * *
Poetry by Jimmy Heffernan [Excerpt]
The moment to which we have access
So Nature can “see” through time
And what is this but awareness?
A tunneling from the immediate future
Back into the present
* * * * * *
Bags End Book #21: What is the Creature Carnival? Part 3 (Fiction) [Excerpt]
by Algernon Beagle
It makes me remember how our teacher Mister Owl in Bags End teached how different places have their different ways of thinking & telling. So if you’re gonna watch a Creature production, whether it’s the Carnival, or a Grand Production, or this time both, you’re gonna be in 4or a good crazy ride.
* * * * * *
The Hound of the Baskervilles (Classic Fiction) [Excerpt]
by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night, was seated at the breakfast table. I stood upon the hearth-rug and picked up the stick which our visitor had left behind him the night before. It was a fine, thick piece of wood, bulbous-headed, of the sort which is known as a “Penang lawyer.” Just under the head was a broad silver band nearly an inch across. “To James Mortimer, M.R.C.S., from his friends of the C.C.H.,” was engraved upon it, with the date “1884.” It was just such a stick as the oldfashioned family practitioner used to carry—dignified, solid, and reassuring.
* * * * * *
Labyrinthine [A New Fixtion] [Excerpt]
by Raymond Soulard, Jr.
I’m distracted just as this strange fellow appears on stage with some kind of tool in his hand. He is very fancily dressed, some kind of home-made tuxedo? Or one sewn from many scraps? And he starts to recite a poem, I think, in a tongue I don’t know, when something distracts me.
Peace,
Raymond Soulard, Jr.
Scriptor Press New England
scriptorpress.com
[editor@scriptorpress.com](mailto:editor@scriptorpress.com)

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2024.05.15 17:26 UmbralikesOwls How do you think Manfred treated Franziska and Miles?

I've seen a lot of people saying how Manfred was abusive to Franziska and Miles. They would say that he would physically and even sexually abuse Miles. In my personal opinion, I do believe that Manfred did mentally and sometimes emotionally abuse Miles and Franziska. Manfred was obsessed with perfection so it makes sense if he expects the same out of the two. He would mainly push Miles towards perfection as a prosecutor and became his protege.
I've seen stories where Manfred would remind Miles of his father or looking at cases where it triggers Miles's trauma in a way (talking about DL6 or something similar when he thought he killed his own father). With Franziska, I believe she was mostly neglected emotionally because of Manfred treating Miles like his protege instead of her. Yes she became a prosecutor at 13, but in the investigations game (not sure if you consider it cannon), Manfred said he'd think about going to Franziska's first trial which was kind of fucked up. Maybe Miles going forward and not talking to her much after his debut and the neglect, I can see how that resentment towards Miles came to be despite her still caring about him in her own way.
That being said, while I do believe Manfred pushes the two to too high standards and has intentionally or unintentionally mentally abuse them, I do want to believe that on some level, he did care about the two. If we count what we see in the anime as canon, he let Franziska and Miles come see one of his trials and went out of his way to take them to the mall just so Franziska could eat pancakes.
He also stood up for Miles when he was facing off a greedy cow lady (she was dressed in cow attire lol) when he believed things were about to escalate. He also let Miles use his reward money to donate to an animal shelter. I personally liked that they showed a more human side to Manfred when it came to Miles and Franziska. Not to mention he took Miles in after the DL6 incident. It's unclear (although it is said in the anime) rather Manfred took him in out of pity, out of guilt, out of kindness, or out of malicious intent for what happens in Goodbyes, but he still took him after Gregory died
I still hate von Karma after what he put Franziska and Miles (and everyone else who was related with DL6) through and possibly mentally abused them, but I want to think to some extent, he did care about them in his own twisted way (again up until he tried framing Miles for 2 murders).
So...what's your opinion about Manfred von Karma?

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2024.05.15 17:23 Dependent-Kiwi70 AITA for being disinterested in my best friend (long)

Hi, I, 21F, have a best friend (21F) that we’ll call Ella. Ella and I have known each other since kindergarten. We were best friends at times in elementary school and solidified our friendship in middle school. When high school came around, we went to different high schools but still lived 5 minutes away from each other.
Freshman year (2016) I barely saw Ella. We both were getting used to our new schools and everything, so we never really hung out but we would constantly text. Sophomore year I decided I wanted to hang out more. After school, I’d always ask her to hang out, we’d study together or just talk for a few hours before I went back home. She rarely came to my house, I think maybe once she came over to study. In our junior year, we both ended up with boyfriends. I still wanted to hang out with her every now and then but every time I asked to do something, she’d have an excuse. This continued for the whole year (even after I had called her out for this by sending her screenshots of every time she bailed on plans). By senior year, I was over it. I realized she wanted to spend all of her time with her boyfriend and I didn’t feel like it was fair that I constantly had to be the one to reach out. We barely spoke that year.
That is, until we found out we were going to the same college the next year. I had been actively searching for roommates, so when Ella asked to room together it felt like a no brainer. We were already comfortable with each other, knew how the other behaved/their habits. So despite the year long break, I figured it’d be better than rooming with a rando.
Freshman year of college, we shared a dorm room. We were at the end of the hall, secluded from everyone else. At this point, I knew I had fucked up. The first night there, I somehow got her to come meet people in our hall. After that night, she didn’t go outside past 5 for the rest of the year. “Mosquito bites” was her answer when I asked why. I made friends without her. I’d go out to parties, go have dinner, etc. At the beginning, she wouldn’t say much about it. But a few months in she kept complaining about how lonely she was. I would invite Ella out, even my friends would invite her out, and she’d say no every time — I don’t remember her leaving the dorm room once after that first night to hang out with people (including myself). I had 0 sympathy for her because of this.
Sophomore year of college, we decided to move into an apartment together with the other 2 friends I had made. I felt bad leaving her behind for some reason. I knew she had no friends and I didn’t know who else she’d end up with if not me. So yes, we lived together again. This year, she definitely went out a bit more but only after my friend would beg her to. I could still count the number of times she came out on my 2 hands. She ended up causing a lot of drama this year. She’s nosy, she can come off as passive and egotistical, and she can be extremely judgmental. Things I hadn’t realized she was until my other roommates started pointing it out. These things had become normal to me. That’s just who I thought Ella was. And it is. But that’s not ok.
Junior year, I ended up living with 3 random people. (There’s a lot that happened that sophomore year I didn’t mention. That’s for another story). And Ella lived with 3 random people. I only ever heard from her when she wanted to complain about her roommates. I saw her 1 time that year because she wanted to complain about her roommates even more. She complained so much about them even her boyfriend didn’t want to speak on the phone with her (he actually told her this. Kinda wild).
This brings us to now. Senior year. We live together again. We both had terrible roommate experiences and just needed comfortability and to be in a living situation where we knew the other’s boundaries. It wasn’t ideal for me, but it was better than another random assignment situation. We both turned 21 before the fall semester started. So I thought we’d be able to go to bars together. Not even the crazy ones, I just wanted to go sit at like an Applebees and talk for a while. No. Every time I ask her to hang out it’s “I’m good but thanks” or “I don’t feel like having a hangover tomorrow” or “I don’t want to spend money”. Not to say these aren’t valid reasons, but to not ONCE not EVER say yes just doesn’t seem right? I’m also an introvert. I get it. But you should also be open to doing things your friends want to do. She doesn’t come to football games, basketball games, kickbacks, nothing. She won’t go on night drives, out to dinner with just me, or even to the library to study. If her boyfriend isn’t the one asking, the answer is no.
So I’m done. I stopped asking her to do things. I stopped texting her first again. If I’m in our living room and she talks to me, the answers are short, monotone, and disinterested. I don’t care about her or her life because she doesn’t act interested in mine. I feel bad sometimes because I think she doesn’t understand why I got so cold this year. But it’s not my job to teach you how to be a friend. I’ve brought this up and called her out before, I did my due diligence… about 5 years ago. For some reason, I kept thinking things would change as we got older. And they did. I just didn’t think it’d be like that. Sometimes I feel bad though. Because I know not everyone wants to be doing stuff. I just feel like every know and then, as a friend, best friend supposedly, you should be willing to reach out first. To make plans. To go out and do something for once instead of trying to convince me to sit on the couch for the 7th night this week and drink $10 wine. Am I in the wrong here?

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2024.05.15 17:22 sommaliee What boundaries can I encourage my boyfriend to set with his ex wife to relieve his role as her caregiver?

Wondering what an appropriate co-parenting divorced relationship should look like between my boyfriend and his ex wife who has untreated BPD. They share an adult daughter in college. Him and I have been together almost two years and she and him have a history of over 25 years.
Without getting into it too much, I feel as though he assumes a caregiver role for his ex because she's so dysfunctional and he’s become a caregiver to her through the years of trauma. They've been separated 5 years and just started the process of a divorce. (It’s taken so long to start because they wanted to wait until their daughter was out of the house and away from the drama)
He says he keeps things so amicable with her because she makes him look bad to his daughter if she doesn't get everything she wants beck and call and he's also scared she'll make the divorce nasty if he doesn't keep her happy. Does he even have control over this? I feel like she’s manipulating him and will drag out the divorce even longer.
The caretaking I see includes dropping everything to take care of their dog if she needs, paying all bills without her ever having to look at anything, arranging all travel plans for the family when they go on trips or even when she goes on a solo trip with their daughter, dealing with medical invoices since they share health insurance still, just pretty much doing everything for her that I believe she is perfectly capable of doing herself-just doesn't want to because she's used to having him do everything.
Their relationship also makes me uncomfortable in that she feels abandoned and ignored by him if he doesn’t see her for dinner every couple weeks, gets upset if he doesn’t immidiately respond or pick up the phone etc. She sends him memes on instagram and sends him links to clothings brands and says “you should buy all your clothes here”. It just makes me uncomfortable and upset and he has no backbone and just has so keep her happy so she doesn’t split and I’m tired of him being a spineless caretaker to his ex!
Is there anyway I can get through to him to realize this? Will he ever accept and be able to realize this?
I'm just wondering: What I can fairly ask him to set boundaries with her on considering they had a 20 year marriage and share a child together? I don't expect him to hate her or cut her out of his life since they do share a child.

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2024.05.15 17:22 Melonhammer4636 I fixed my Brain Fog, Low Mood, and Feeling Sick.

Quick overview

It took me 7+ years to figure it out, but Gluten was causing a bunch of weird symptoms for me.
The symptoms that were the strongest always happened at the same time; brain fog, feeling like I was sick (a casual cold), and low mood.
Gluten is usually known for causing issues in the gut (stomach issues etc), so I never considered Gluten being the potential issue
I tried so many things for so many years, but after removing Gluten it went away for good
This won't work for everyone of course, I definitely have a Gluten intolerance, but I thought I'd put this in the Brain Fog subreddit, since hopefully it can help one person (rather than the Gluten Intolerance subreddit).
If I eat too much Gluten (lets say more than a few slices of bread in a week), then I'll notice all the symptoms above turn on, but it's never right away, it's always 24-72hrs after, and thats what made this so hard to figure out.

Story/Symptoms

For years I was feeling the symptoms I mentioned above, at first I thought I kept catching colds, but then realized it had to be something else
The catch: it came in waves… the symptoms came in strong for 7-10 days every couple months "randomly", which really made it hard to figure out the cause
I had no idea what it was… I kept thinking I was getting sick often, or it was my immune system, vitamin/mineral deficiency, or maybe I was having a severe allergic reaction
Doctors of course didn't have any good answers
I had 2 naturopaths say it was stress (fair point, I have a demanding job), but the brain fog and fatigue was so strong, I couldn't ever focus or think normally during these symptomatic times, so it just didn't correlate to only being stress.

You should do an Elimination Diet!

It's not easy, but it's very worthwhile
After looking into this stuff for 5+ years, I’ve learned it’s more likely something you need to eliminate rather than take.
Remove the most common foods that trigger brain fog, low mood etc and after 2 months see how you feel. If you feel better than you know you found the issue, then just slowly introduce foods back over the next 12 months and you'll figure out the main culprit over time.
Things I would eliminate right away: Gluten / All fast food / All processed food / Processed sugar ... just follow the PALEO diet to keep it simple.

For me specifically, Gluten was the issue

Gluten intolerance (not allergic, not celiac). Most people would just say you're crazy, or that's not real etc, but don't listen to them. Being intolerant to certain food is very real and trigger a wide range of symptoms.
I got only mental symptoms/issues from Gluten, which is uncommon, and hard to find many people talking about it.
After eating 0 amounts of Gluten for a few months, I spent a week eating a lot of it and got the symptoms pretty quickly, so that helped verify I finally found my issue.

Gluten is a product that makes bread fluffy, rise well, and just taste great in general. Most common foods with gluten are: Bread / Pasta / Noodles / Crackers / Baked goods / Cereal etc
If you're fed up with feeling weird, brain fog, and other symptoms, do an elimination diet of common problematic foods, go strong for 2 months and I think many people will find it helps start the process of finding potential culprits.

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2024.05.15 17:21 redcar41 1 Kings 1: 1-10

Hello! I've made comments here on this subreddit before, but this is my first time as a contributor. If you have any tips or feedback, then that'd be great. Thank you, have a great day and God bless! :D

Adonijah Sets Himself Up as King

1 When King David was very old, he could not keep warm even when they put covers over him. ² So his attendants said to him, “Let us look for a young virgin to serve the king and take care of him. She can lie beside him so that our lord the king may keep warm.”
³ Then they searched throughout Israel for a beautiful young woman and found Abishag, a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. ⁴ The woman was very beautiful; she took care of the king and waited on him, but the king had no sexual relations with her.
⁵ Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, “I will be king.” So he got chariots and horses^\)^a^\) ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. ⁶ (His father had never rebuked him by asking, “Why do you behave as you do?” He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)
⁷ Adonijah conferred with Joab son of Zeruiah and with Abiathar the priest, and they gave him their support. ⁸ But Zadok the priest, Benaiah son of Jehoiada, Nathan the prophet, Shimei and Rei and David’s special guard did not join Adonijah.
⁹ Adonijah then sacrificed sheep, cattle and fattened calves at the Stone of Zoheleth near En Rogel. He invited all his brothers, the king’s sons, and all the royal officials of Judah, ¹⁰ but he did not invite Nathan the prophet or Benaiah or the special guard or his brother Solomon.
Footnotes: a) 1 Kings 1:5 Or charioteers
Observations/ Questions
1) So here we see David towards the end of his reign. 2 Samuel 5:4 says that David was 30 years old when he became king and ruled for 40 years, so he's now 70 years old. For verses 1-4 in my Bible, I had a note directing me to 2 Samuel 21: 15-17. At this stage, David's days of fighting in wars are over, so he's no longer in the best shape physically. I don't think he's completely confined to his bed though. 1 Chronicles 29: 22 mentions Solomon being acknowledged as king a second time, so I believe the events of 1 Chronicles 28-29 happen in between the first and second chapter of 1 Kings.
I don't particularly have much else to say about verses 1-4. Enduring Word Commentary on 1 Kings 1 has this note: "It was proper because it was a recognized medical treatment in the ancient world, mentioned by the ancient Greek doctor Galen. When Josephus described this in his Antiquities of the Jews, he said that this was a medical treatment and he called the servants of 1 Kings 1:2 “physicians.” I should also mention that I looked up Abishag on Bible Gateway and she's not mentioned again in the Bible after the next chapter. Feel free to add any further insights/ takeaways that you have for verses 1-4.
2) What are your impressions of Adonijah in this section?
According to 2 Samuel 3:2-4, Adonijah is David's 4th son. Amnon and Absalom (David's 1st and 3rd sons) are dead as we know from 2 Samuel. David's 2nd son is Kileab/Chielab (AKA Daniel in 1 Chronicles 3:2), the son of Abigail the widow of Nabal (from 1 Samuel 25). From what I've seen in commentary notes, the belief is that this 2nd son was either dead or somehow unfit to be king. The thought crossed my mind that it could be possible that Kileab could be both alive and eligible, but turned down the crown. I'm not familiar with how succession rules worked in those days, so feel free to correct me if that possibility I came up with is unlikely.
For verses 5-6, I have John 5:44, 2 Samuel 14:25 and Proverbs 3:5-6 written down in my Bible. Adonijah takes a lot after Absalom and even uses some of Absalom's strategies like 2 Samuel 15:1.
Verse 6 stands out a bit for me. One modern phrase I've seen recently was something like "This person sounds like someone whose parents never told them no", which could apply here to Adonijah. I think it's safe to say that from what we've seen in 2 Samuel 13 that David wasn't really a great father unfortunately.
Not to put all the blame on him of course, for what Adonijah ends up doing. For verses 7-8, I have Psalm 75:6-7, James 4:10 written down in my Bible. I also have Leviticus 3 written down for verse 9. I would assume that's included since Adonijah's trying to use these sacrifices to act like he has God's approval in front of the people.
3) I'd also like to bring up Proverbs 22:6 as a possible verse in regards to Israel's leadership as a whole so far. I was rereading 1 Samuel recently and came to a realization. Israels' most current leaders so far have been Eli, Samuel, Saul, and David.
Eli-We see God judging Eli and his house for what happens in 1 Samuel 2-3. 1 Samuel 3:13 mentions that "he(Eli) failed to restrain them(his sons)"
Samuel-We don't know how good/bad of a father Samuel was, but his sons were corrupt(1 Samuel 8:1-3)
Saul-We don't know how Saul treated his other 2 sons. Saul tried to kill Jonathan twice (1 Samuel 14: 38-45 and 1 Samuel 20: 24-34), but Jonathan turned out well even when Saul was falling apart as his reign went on
David-already brought up
Solomon later on-Rehoboam has very little(if any at all) of Solomon's wisdom as we'll see
Israel's leadership really seems to struggle overall with the next generation. Still, I don't think Proverbs 22: 6 is a permanent rule, if we consider later on from Ahaz up to Josiah in 2 Kings (Josiah in particular was one of the Southern Kingdom's best kings despite the ungodliness of his grandfather Manasseh and his father Amon).
4) Why do you suppose Joab and Abiathar decided to side with Adonijah? What(if anything) was so different that they didn't side with Absalom before?
Joab and Abiathar are the 2 big names in David's kingdom(Joab as the army commander and Abiathar the priest). Joab I can see conspiring with Adonijah since he's done stuff before without David's knowledge and/or approval(ex: killing Abner, Absalom and Amasa). The next chapter in verse 28 mentions that Joab had conspired with Adonijah but not Absalom. Abiathar I'm not too sure about. I've seen commentary notes state that Abiathar was envious of Zadok the priest. It's not completely out of the question, but the way the commentary notes I've seen try to explain this felt like a bit of a reach to me.
5) Minor note here. Joab has 2 brothers, Abishai and Asahel. Asahel we know was killed in battle by Abner in 2 Samuel 2. Abishai is never mentioned after Sheba's revolt in 2 Samuel 20 and the list of David's men in 2 Samuel 23, so chances he died at some point before 1 Kings.
6) What else stands out to you in this passage? (Any further insights, questions, etc?)

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2024.05.15 17:21 Timmy_The_Techpriest Wide Blue Skies (32)

Part 32, a return to Kraisal, and my return to actually posting chapters. We get to see the aftermath of the four-part operation, and I get to deal with Reddit formatting changes. I upload Wednesdays, at 4PM to 5PM British Summer Time. Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the universe of NoP, and the amazing u/ShermanTheMajor for proofreading! And thank you guys for reading. Enjoy the chapter!
Memory Transcript Subject: Second-Lieutenant Kraisal, SC Fighter Pilot Flybird 6, Callsign ‘Mimic’
Date [Standardised Human Time]: July 7th 2168
We all took our seats in this new, bigger briefing room. Despite the concrete walls, it still felt somehow nicer than the last one, more high tech. It might’ve been the lighting, shining down a dim electric blue on all of us.
I looked to the others, who all seemed to be in various states of exhaustion. I still felt pretty energetic, and most of the pilots looked well enough, but the other SCOSG members? Vilik looked like a blood vessel was about to pop, Larsela looked like she was barely awake, and Pegasus… I wasn’t sure. I never was with him. At least we all made it through okay enough. What happened to the others to make them so exhausted, though?
The base commander waved her tail, and we all looked at her as she began to speak. “The operation was a complete success. Despite unforeseen factors in some of the combat operations, you’ve all displayed a commendable level of resilience today. You should be proud of yourselves for making it this far” Damn, the hell happened to the others?
“While most of the pilots in this room were escorting our transports here, Mimic successfully destroyed most of the rebel anti-air and armoured fighting vehicles, with some assistance from friendly partisan forces, and paratroopers from the one-hundred-and-second airborne division. She also successfully shot down an enemy aircraft attempting to intercept friendly planes. Thanks to her actions here today, we all have a place to land, rest, and refuel, as well as a staging area for attacks deeper in enemy territory and towards the planetary defence guns”
“Meanwhile, Quartz One successfully escorted the East Sea Fleet past enemy naval defences, despite resistance from a small enemy fleet blockin her path. She also successfully shot down an enemy mercenary pilot, who was armed with laser weaponry and a superior aircraft. This has allowed us to strike closer to the planetary defence guns without having to rely as heavily on our air support. The Captain of the leading vessel also sent her a bottle of whiskey as thanks, though this will be locked up for the time being”
There was a small amount of chatter at the prospect of alcohol, and a couple people looked to Lars. That lucky bird. All I got was a scratched paint job.
“Quiet!” The base commander yelled, causing the chatter to cease before she continued. “Furthermore, Magnum successfully destroyed several IRBM silo’s, despite heavy ground resistance. He also successfully intercepted two IRBMs before they could reach friendly territory, despite one of these missiles both launching before its silo could be discovered, and being capable of evasive manoeuvres at low altitudes. This has prevented the enemy from launching potentially devastating attacks on our backlines, saving countless lives and allowing us to continue offensive operations unimpeded”
She took a small breath, and cleared her throat, before continuing. “Finally, Pegasus Three successfully escorted the transport carrying defectors into our territory, despite several attempted intercept missions from enemy squadrons, the loss of all decoy aircraft, and the pilot and copilot both being shot, with the former too injured to fly and the latter dead. He also successfully shot down an enemy mercenary squadron attempting to intercept the transport, despite being outnumbered by superior aircraft. The transport successfully landed here, and the pilot is stable. The passengers themselves are mostly unharmed, outside mild bruising from a rough landing, and are going through debriefing”
Jesus Christ, I thought my mission was the hard one. At least I didn’t have to dogfight a fucking missile.
“Overall, this leaves Coalition forces in a highly advantageous position in the war going forwards. The only remaining advantages held by the rebels is the fog of war, and the planetary defence guns, and we are almost in a place where we can wipe out the latter. Excellent work. Dismissed!”
As we all filed out of the briefing room, I began moving through the crowd, when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. Turning around, I noticed one of the paratroopers, looking to me with a slight grin on his face. “Hey, you’re that pilot that saved our asses, right? I wanted you to have this” He then held out a pack of jerky. “As thanks”
“Oh shit, thanks dude!” I replied, grabbing it and immediately devouring its contents.
“It’s the least I could do after you brought us through a second suicide mission alive. Shit, at this rate there’ll be propaganda posters with you on em”
“Eh, just doing my job” I grinned. “Look, I gotta go, see you around?”
“Sure” He replied casually, before walking off.
I turned around and began heading to my friends, managing to intercept Vilik and Larsela. The formers tail was wrapped firmly around his leg, while Larsela was rubbing her eyes with her talons, as if trying to stay awake. “Hey you two!” I greeted “How did you handle things? You both definitely look… Rough”
“How does it look!?” Vilik snapped, before audibly sighing. “Sorry, sorry. Just stressed. I had to deal with five fucking missiles, two of which managed to launch, one which had stealth capabilities, and the other nearly reached criticalaltitudeand-”
“Okok!” I cut him off. “Go figure out which bunk is yours and lie down or something, jesus!”
“Fine, fine! I’m going” And with that, he stormed off, leaving me and my very tired pal alone.
“So…” I began. “What about you?”
She stared into the ceiling for a moment, before slowly looking at me. “Hm? Oh, yeah. It went ok…” She then yawned, and began to stagger off. “I need to lie down though. Maybe we can walk and talk before I find my bed?”
“Sure!” I replied, walking after her. “That works!”
“Right, right… Yeah things went well, most of the fleet made it out untouched. The fact the Promenade had a railgun certainly helped. The rebels surrendered after the second ship was horizontally cut in half”
“Oh, that sounds cool as fuck!”
“More scary than cool” She responded, as we entered one of the barracks. “I felt it firing in my bones…”
“Oh, damn. Nevermind then… So uh, remember this morning? When you were gonna ask me something?”
“Hom? Yeah, kinda… Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I was just wondering what you were gonna ask me is all!” I chuckled.
“Oh, it’s… It was nothing” She muttered, before coming to a halt at one of the bunk beds. She quickly checked the two footlockers sitting at its foot, before crawling to the upper bunk. I decided to check the lockers too, noticing my stuff was there along with hers.
“Lucky coincidence…” I murmured, before sitting on the lower bunk, stretching, and taking a moment to relax, staring up at the bunk above me as I rested on the hard mattress. That moment to relax was then interrupted by an officer walking in, looking around the room, then walking up to me and Lars.
“Excuse me” They began. “Have either of you seen a uh, ‘Pegasus’ around here?”
Larsela waved a wing and flicked her tail feathers, signalling no, while I sat up slightly and shrugged. “Why are you looking for him?”
“The wife of one of the passengers wanted to thank him for saving her husband” They responded. “I believe the passenger in question is the one that flew the plane after the pilots injury, as well”
“Try checking the runway or something. I don’t know, maybe he’s checking out the hangars. He was usually around that kind of area in the last base, anyways”
“Right, thank you” They nodded, before walking off. I flopped onto my back, closed my eyes, and rested.
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2024.05.15 17:19 elliott_AA Please critique my sales email. It is in the health and fitness niche and the CTA is supposed to take the prospect to the sales page of the product. It is a bit longer than 500 words. Any and all CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Subject:- Imagine if you had “Skinny privilege”.
Hey, [NAME],
A couple of hours ago, I was watching a YouTube video about skinny privilege where people seemed to think that there is no such thing.
I had a smug grin the entire time. I chuckled and said to myself, ”These people don’t know what they are talking about.”
Still, like most people, I ran to the comments section to get my opinion validated.
I was right.
There were two types of comments I saw. Few people shrugged off the idea of “Skinny privilege” and even made fun of people for being out of shape.
But most of the comments were from people who had experienced a dramatic shift in how they were treated after they lost weight.
They were saying, “I actually felt acknowledged in a long time.”
“People actually wanted to talk to me and went out of their way to start conversations with me.”
“Maybe it's the weight loss or the increased self-confidence but I’ve never gotten this many compliments before.”
If only you had that privilege. You may have even tried to lose weight and tried to melt off your body fat but it never worked.
The truth is, most people don’t know the frustration you feel when you are trying to lose that stubborn fat in your body.
Most people don’t know the longing you feel when you just want to look good in the clothes you wear.
They don’t know how being out of shape negatively affects you in every way, whether you are trying to get a job or going on a date. That’s the bad news.
The good news? You can get your “Skinny Privilege” without complicated diets or vigorous exercise.
The answer, while not obvious, is very familiar to you.
The secret? SOUP!!!
You might be thinking, “How the hell does that even work?”
Before that, let’s look at how your body actually loses fat. To put it very, very simply, we lose weight if we consume fewer calories than we use.
Which is pretty obvious, like, “Why don’t you just eat less?’’
That’s the problem. When you do eat less, you feel hungry. That, in turn, leads to cravings which leads to over-eating and you end up going in the opposite direction.
That’s where soup comes in.
In a study done by a doctor of Nutritional Science at Penn State, participants in the study ate a first course of soup before a lunch entree, and they reduced their total calorie intake at lunch (soup + entre) by 20%, compared to when they did not eat soup.
How did that happen?
Because, when you eat (or drink) soup, the water content of the soup leaves you feeling full. At the same time, you consume less calories than you normally would.
But not just any soup will do.
According to the same study, you should choose wisely, by picking low-calorie, broth-based soups that are about 100 to 150 calories per serving. You should be careful of higher-calorie, cream-based soups that could actually increase the total calories consumed.
So how do you do that? How do you pick the right soup that won’t leave you hungry and you consume less calories and lose weight and get your “Skinny privilege”, all at the same time?
Presenting:- The Keto Soup Diet.
This diet program will help you get that privilege. It will help look good in the clothes you wear. You will get noticed by people you know so mucthat they might mistake you for a different person.
The best part? The program has soups from many different cuisines as well as vegan options so that you don’t have to suffer through boring meals while you lose weight.
Click (here) to learn more about the Keto Soup Diet.
P.S. In case you were wondering, looking and feeling your healthiest and best is not pure vanity, it’s about living life to the fullest and best potential I’ve come to find.

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2024.05.15 17:18 Fizgigwasframed Life is hard

Just going to come out with this, Life is hard. Everyone knows this and mostly just accepts that there will be things that we deal with as the whole of humanity. But that's just the thing right? We're all in this together, fighting through this thing we call life. Some may appear to have it together but oftentimes appearances are deceiving and sometimes to a detrimental degree. Yes, I'm struggling. I'm struggling so fucking much and all I want to do is cry while someone holds me. "She's doing so well! I talked to her yesterday and she was making so many jokes! " Yup, I can have moments of strength but no I'm not doing well. I have been alone, for a very long time even though the relationship only ended weeks ago. I've been alone for years and now I'm grieving something I can never get back and that's time. I want to say that I don't regret any time we had together but I do have regrets. Regrets that only surfaced after I realized how much I put myself into the relationship only for the 7+years relationship to be ended through a paragraph in messages. And then be told it should've ended 6 years sooner but didn't want to "upset" me. Of course I'd have been upset but then I could've moved on, like yourself, that much sooner and you wouldn't have to lie and pretend to me. And then I wouldn't have lost my best friend too. But then, to do something so needlessly cruel and not even give a face to face, well, life's already fucking hard but we don't have to be assholes to each other and make it fucking worse. I grieved my relationship long ago, now I'm grieving for the person I thought I knew but guess I didn't. It's best for us this way, neither of us were happy although we tried to fake it. I just hope in your next relationship, you give your partner everything I was denied. And I won't let myself be in another relationship where I feel so alone. I will take all the snuggles, all the little adventures together, all the time that they want to spend with me without an agenda or ask me "how long is this going to take" while spending time with me on my birthday. I will take any and all of the sex offered instead of once every 2-3 years because even though you made me feel like shit, I know I'm not unattractive or undesirable to some. I am worth it. Life is fucking hard but sometimes you come away with more knowledge after the pain. It doesn't feel like it in the moment but I know I'll come through this and I have the knowledge and courage to say what I need whenever I get back to dating. And I don't wish him ill. I want him to figure it out and I want him to be happy but he needs to work on himself and be kinder to himself first. Life sucks and is hard enough, I will still be kind to those around me because I don't know their struggles just like they don't know mine.
So please be kind and help those you are able to if you're able to and not to the detriment of yourself. Thank you for reading something I needed to put out there, even if it was rambling.

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2024.05.15 17:17 MaisNahMaisNah My boss sucks and I am struggling to deal with it and protect my team.

I'm a director running a consulting/managed services delivery team. I've been doing this for 7 years, albeit only at the director level for 2-3 years. Old boss left last year, new boss started in November.
This man is killing me. He is an insane micromanager, has the most out of control untreated case of ADHD I have ever seen, no work/life balance and very few boundaries for everyone else's, and just an all around bad hire. I would quit today but I have a bunch of vested stock options that are close to payout. So I want to find a way to deal with this.
1) He calls me constantly. Multiple times a day, never with warning. I start my day at 6am. He'll call me at 6:30pm. These calls are always long and usually pointless. Stuff like reviewing a powerpoint for the 10,00th time while I just silently watch him make changes. Why the fuck do I need to be on a call with him while he works? Beats the fuck out of me. I do decline them outside of my working hours usually, but he's just going to keep calling until I pick up eventually. On the flip side, he no-shows on 1:1s more often than not and is usually late to the calls he does show up to.
2) He "coaches" me on the most obvious shit to the point it's insanely condescending. I talked to another leader in my department and he does the same to her. We all run highly specialized teams that he has no experience in. I will give him a quick summary on a sale I am working with a rep on like "they're debating outsourcing vs. internal hire" and he'll say "we should pitch that outsourcing is better." Thanks buddy, this is my first day on earth so I had no idea that's what I should do.
3) Geniuses in the c-suite hired a sales guy to run a delivery team. Sales support has always been part of the job, but just that - sales support. The entire team is frustrated beyond belief because he keeps pushing them to do everyone's job but their own. He wants us sourcing new clients, running the sales cycle, running marketing campaigns, etc., to the point we're well over capacity and struggling to keep up with client delivery. I have brought this up with him multiple times and he backs off for a day, then right back to it. We are a 1,200 person company, not a scrappy start up. We have entire departments dedicated to this stuff for a reason.
4) While forcing us to be sales reps alongside delivery, he inserts himself into every deal and micromanages it to the nth degree. He's called my 7 times in the last 24 hours about a pitch he very clearly does not understand the scope of as if I am the one that needs coaching. What's worse is I can tell you right now, this deal isn't going to happen. I told him yesterday that I am going to keep this simple, high level and focus on scoping. No deck. Overnight, he built a deck and now he's pissy that I am refusing to use it because almost all of it is inapplicable to this project. He also wants us to micromanage sales people, which I am just not going to do. Relationships matter and telling someone I know how to do their job better than them is bullshit.
5) He simply does not pay attention. ADHD, I bet you anything. He'll get on my ass because I'm not attached to a deal. We mainly serve two client profiles. One (which is most of our business) is my area. The other, my services do not apply to. He will get on my ass for not being attached to a deal. I will point out that they are the second type of client which you can literally tell by the client name alone and he is somehow surprised.
I think a lot of his micromanagement come from anxiety, but that's not my fucking problem. How do you get to VP level if you can't trust your directors?
Any advice on how to deal with this? My best people are getting burned out with this and, like I said, communicating that only changes things for a day. He chalks it up to me being in a bad mood. Shit, I'm getting burned out and I am afraid I am going to snap at him if I don't find a productive way to address this. I'm reluctant to skip-level him because his boss is not receptive to feedback and my boss was his hire.

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2024.05.15 17:17 Reasonable_Cream_719 I (28f) don't want to dismiss my boyfriend's needs (29m) but I feel like he is remaining upset over things to really intense levels and making me the only one at fault in conflict. How could I help him see he's acting unreasonably and/or convince him to try couples therapy with me?

I'm scared that I'm completely losing myself or being emotionally manipulated in my relationship. (1 yr together, known each other for 10). My partner (29 M) supports me in my self care & work & hobbies & loves to boost me up, but he also frequently tells me things I've done wrong. I'd always rather he be honest about his feelings, but i feel like it's very frequent. Something comes up at least twice a month where he says he doesn't feel listened to or valued or "like a partner" in our relationship and things blow up. This has happened for 3 months now. Before this i dated someone for 4 years who was very reserved, so I got used to feeling very needy - therefore, I have a lot of empathy for needing love and affection and I try to make his needs met. I have tried really hard to fix previous tangible concerns like letting him know when I'll be away from my phone for a while or making changes to not be late to things. We have had some really good strides where I've been able to tell him my needs more or own up to my small failings. But the last 72 hours have been a nightmare even with my growth and progress. I'm sorry this post is lengthy but I'll try my best to explain the current situation:
Sunday my bf slept through his brother coming to visit on accident. He woke up and texted me and said he was spiraling a bit about feeling bad about it and would be okay but just needed a "5" to show him I was there. (this is supposed to be a call back to us saying I love you 5 ever in the past)
I didn't see his text for 30 minutes and then told him l was soo sorry I didn't see this sooner and that I was really sorry he slept through his alarm and missed that, but his body must have needed rest. He said it's okay, it's just my brother.
We spoke for 40 minutes about mothers day and other stuff and then he said "hey you never sent a 5" and I said "oh shoot, 5". It then was shared that it really upset him that I hadn't read and replied to that part of his text. It made him feel not listened to, he said, that I chose to reply how I wanted instead of doing what he asked for. I apologized and also said sorry I didn't say a 5 sooner and that I wish I had seen his text and sent a 5 right away. He got upset that I was apologizing for not texting him right away. He said apologizing for the thing he's not even upset about (not replying for 30 minutes) takes away his agency and takes away from him feeling heard.
He then explained it wasn't fully about the 5 - it was that it hurt that I didn't ask more about his feelings and just changed the topic after he said "it's okay". I think sometimes I forget people say "it's okay" to try to be strong when really they want to talk about their feelings. He emphasized he wished I had asked about his feelings and I said I definitely should have and need to be better about asking more follow up if he opens up and says he's spiraling.
I apologized a ton Sunday night and called him and cried to him on the phone about how much I cared and how much I didn't want to hurt him. He told me it was going to be okay and he even told me he felt loved and cared about. He showed appreciation when I took accountability and I said things like "I totally see how it made you feel not heard that I didnt do a small thing you asked for" and "I really should have followed up by asking more about your feelings or why you were spiraling".
Monday he got upset again once he woke up and said I was defensive yesterday and it hurt and that I talk at him and not with him (I did get defensive a bit by saying things like "I didn't know you weren't still okay and I took it at face value when you said you were okay" or saying "I told you I know I messed up and I shouldn't have ignored you opening up to me" when he brought up again how hurt he felt. But sometimes he repeated how hurt he was and how he wished I would hold myself accountable. So I would at times get defensive by saying "well I tried telling you that I'm sorry I ____"
I didn't know what to keep saying besides sorry and that I messed up. I tried keeping my answers brief after he said i was making things about myself (being emotional in my guilt) because i didnt want to risk monopolizing the conversation. Then he told me I really hurt him because he shared 2 paragraphs about how hurt he was and I gave a 10 word answer. I apologized multiple times for my 10 word answer. I said I only kept it short to keep the focus on him. He said it felt like I wasn't even trying. I tried asking what else he needs or what I could do to help and he told me I'm just Asking "out of self preservation". Then when I said I wish I knew what I could do to help he said "did you ask". Three different times when I said I wish I could make him feel better or things like I am trying to give thoughtful answers he would say "did you ask" and then I would say "ask what?" And get frustrated when he didn't give me a straight answer. When I got upset for not getting an answer to my question, he said I was making it about me again.
At some point he asked for examples of me asking accountability. I sent screenshots of when I said I messed up and hurt him and I should've done differently and he got upset and said "those are from yesterday and don't impact how I feel today". I tried taking accountability again today in multiple sentences. He seemed grateful that I did and was glad to hear me list the things I messed up and take the blame for. But then when I brought up something i was hoping we could still do (a surprise party for him) he got really upset and said I was only thinking about what I wanted (to see him and get him to the surpise) instead of what he wanted (to not go out). This led to him skipping his own surprise party yesterday. It was so embarrassing because I didn't know how to explain why he wouldn't come with me (I was supposed to be the one to bring him to the surprise) and his friend ended up making up that he got too wasted beforehand. Even since the party he has only said how his wishes feel ignored and he never wanted a surprise party (I guess a misfire but his friends really wanted to do the party so I went along). No apology for not even coming.
A chunk of yesterdays convo, word for word: M: "I felt so small when you gave me a 10 word response I felt like I didn't explain enough or wasn't good enough . And to not really have a response, it hurt me so bad."
F: "I'm sorry for hurting you so much and giving so small of a response. I'm really sorry for the things I did to make you feel small."
M: "thats not what I'm worried about or bothers me"
F: "What are you worried about or bothered by? You shared it Made you feel small when I sent a 10 word response, so I thought that was a part of the problem."
M: "Not really related and makes me feel worse about getting the love I need/want"
F: "i don't understand. You brought up how much hurt you and how low it made you feel, how is it not related?"
M: "Did you ask?"
F: "I'm asking now"
M: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you being hurt negated everything I've felt?"
F: "What? Where did I say I'm hurt?"
M: "You're asking a question so you could feel good or secure but I dont feel I'm afforded the same"
A seperate convo chunk later that day:
M: i spend so much energy and get so little in return. When I reach out and ask for help everything gets focused on how you felt. When do I matter?
F: I'm sorry. I hope you can get to feel like you matter now. I have been trying to do what you need and put very little focus on myself and I'll keep trying
M: If you can't try or listen to what I'm saying or asking for just leave me alone and make this whole situation easier. I'm exhausted and tired from giving you grace and somehow things always focus back on you.
_--- Then In several texts asked him if he explain how things kept coming back to me and he said the focus just keeps coming back to me.because I won't take accountability. He is embarrassed and doesn't feel good enough. Because I don't show him support when he needs it and don't show i care in the ways he wants or needs the way he supports me when I'm low.
F; I'm sorry and I wish I had afforded you the same. I'm trying to give thoughtful answers, sorry if they have to be short because I'm at work. Can you explain how you feel like the focus has been coming back to me in today's convo.
M: did you ask?
F: ask what? How did I make the focus on me?
M: dude we aren't doing this again
F: dude I asked for clarification becuase I don't get your question
M: It's not about you. I don't think you're ready or capable of loving me the way I want or need. I feel like I've given you grace and afforded you the space to make or acknowledge mistakes. I can't keep begging to be heard and feel like I'm overreacting or misunderstood. It's fine to ask for clarification, but when you do it hijacks the conversation and we never revist what I said.
F: because I don't get an answer so it's hard to revisit the topic when I'm still confused
M: I'm sorry , I didn't realize that me spiraling or being in a bad place was only continued because you didn't get a response. This isn't about you.
I want to get him to couples therapy because I care about him SO much and he has a really big heart and a good soul. But once he feels hurt, it's like he's stuck being the victim and can't see how horribly irrational our conversations are going. I am not perfect at conflict either - I get defensive if he keeps talking about being hurt, and I end up crying a lot to him about how bad I feel for hurting, and sometimes he has to help me calm me down from my intense crying over the problem I caused, which is draining for him. But I think at least in this case he is really stuck in a victim complex where he isnt doing any wrong and I'm not doing much right to him. I genuinely feel like therapy could really help, and that the couples therapy would support my individual therapy working on defensiveness and emotional control. I want to support him, but I'm nervous to just outright ask for it. What do I do? How could I ease into the topic?
TL;DR: Although I have tried to be very patient and take accountability there are a lot of things I do that hurt my boyfriend. I have worked on improve some concrete things but our most recent conflict (detailed above) has me feeling anxious and lost because I try taking accountability throughout but he is still upset no matter what I say. I don't think he knows how to handle conflict and I'm not perfect at it either but i am very willing to name everything I do wrong and try to change it. I want to suggest couples therapy so he can see we can both do better. Not sure how.

submitted by Reasonable_Cream_719 to u/Reasonable_Cream_719 [link] [comments]

2024.05.15 17:16 oaomcg A restart will fix it (but not how you'd expect)

The president of my company has been working out of our second office in another state all winter and was due to arrive back in town Monday. Friday afternoon I took it upon myself to do a once over in his office, restarting his printer and docking station to make sure everything worked smoothly since he'd been gone for a few months. I hate when he comes back in the building and something isn't working as expected because it's been sitting stale for so long. Everything seemed in line and I didn't anticipate any issues on Monday morning.
I get into my office at 7:51 and at 7:52 he walks in saying "Hey, I need your help with something."
"Sure. What's up?"
"Can you help me get these basketball tickets on my phone?"
Not what I was expecting, but at least nothing is broken. Normally if someone asked me for help with something like this I'd tell them to get lost but this guys name is literally on the front of the building so I agree to take a look. A colleague has sent him playoff tickets via a link in a text message. He clicks the ticketmaster link and it gives him an error. "Session suspended, try another location or another device." I take the phone, copy the link out of Safari, and try it in Chrome. Same message.
I ask him if we can go try the link on his computer and he agrees. I send the link to himself in an email so it will be in his inbox. We walk to his office and I have him pull up Outlook. He's about to open the message and he says "Oh, he also already emailed it to me" and shows me an email from the colleague with the ticket transfer message.
So I'm thinking "oh, this explains it. the guy retransferred the tickets via email so the fist link in the text is probably no good."
We open that link on his computer and he's able to log into his ticketmaster account and accept the tickets. They are in his account now, he should be good to go. But there is a message on the page saying "Your phone is your ticket, login from your mobile device to add the tickets to your wallet."
We go back to his phone and i just try pulling up the main ticketmaster(dot)com website and to my dread see the same "your session is suspended, try another location or device" message. Well, now i CAN'T use another device, it has to be THIS device so i can get the tickets into his apple wallet. I clear the browser cache and cookies. Same thing. I try incognito mode. Same thing. I switch from wifi to mobile data. Same thing.
I start looking up the error and it seems like ticketmaster has some checks in place and if it sees suspicious browsing behavior, it assumes you might be a bot trying to snipe tickets and blocks you. The TM support page says it's temporary and to try again later.
I tell the president i think it temporarily blocked him after he opened that first link so many times. We should let it cool off and try again later. "No problem. the game isn't until tomorrow."
I didn't see him the rest of the day and he took off early in the afternoon so we didn't have a chance to circle back.
He doesn't get into the office until about 11am the next morning and hands me his phone. It's been over 24 hours at this point, the temporary block must be gone. I open up the TM website and see the same freaking error... uh oh... I tell him there's still a problem and I need to figure out what to do next. He blurts out the passcode to his phone and heads out to lunch.
I take the device back to my office and start doing some research. Everyone online that has this problem gets the error because they are trying to do some shady crap to buy or reserve tickets and nobody has an answer for how to release whatever block TM puts on you. TM support articles say you just have to wait. I can't wait. The game is tonight. If he doesn't get these tickets, he's going to be out thousands of dollars and it's going to be MY fault because my fingers are all over this at this point. Is any of this even my job?
I figure the next step is going to be to grab a spare phone out of my supply, have him log into his apple id (if he even remembers the password), and accept the tickets from there. I'm not entirely sure how the apple wallet works. If he gets the tickets on one phone will they show up on his other one? I figure, worst case scenario, he has to carry this second phone with him to get into the game.
I'm waiting for him to get back from lunch to explain this asinine workaround when I think to myself "screw it. lets just restart this phone."
I restart the phone and am lucky I am staring at it while it starts up because once it does I see a message in the corner. For 1 brief second it says "VPN" and disappears. I go into the settings and find out that while this guy was out of town, he subscribed to a VPN service and installed it on his phone. Once I disabled it, the TM website worked perfectly normally. Saved again by a restart!
He came back from lunch and I said "I didn't realize you had a VPN on your phone." He says "Oh yeah, i got that a couple months ago. why?" I told him that the TM website apparently doesn't play well with with his VPN service and that once i disabled it, i was able to get to the website and that he should turn it back on once we get the tickets into his wallet.
He logs into the site, sees the tickets, and adds them to his apple wallet. Then i show him how to turn the VPN back on.
Mission Accomplished!
Then he turns back to me and says "So now, how do i transfer these to someone else?"...

submitted by oaomcg to talesfromtechsupport [link] [comments]

2024.05.15 17:15 Purebloosprincess AITA for ending a friendship after my friend invited my ex friend to be at her wedding?

TW: Brief mention of a suicide attempt
For the sake of privacy we'll call the friend that is getting married, Sofie and the ex friend, Alice.
This is a long one so I apologize but context it needed to fully understand why I did this. And to be fair, this is an insane experience all together so buckle up. This may be the only unique experience I have and I wish I didn't.
Alice and I have known each other all of our lives. Our parents were close so we grew up together. I saw her much more like a sister to me than a friend and we always looked out for one another. Alice struggled in her teen years with alcohol and getting in to the wrong crowd but she did her best to clean up and change things. In our early twenties we decided to move out together and become roomates. It was me, her, and her longtime boyfriend who I also had a friendship with. We'll call him Nathan. Things were great the first few months. But as time went on we started butting heads. Alice didn't have a job at the time (she did at the time of us signing the lease. I also lost my job before moving in but quickly found whatever I could) Alice kept saying she'd find another job but she never did. Nathan only worked part time at minium wage and out apartment was 1200 a months. So he couldn't afford to pay her half of the rent so I started taking it on and she would pay me back a few weeks later after she managed to sell some clothes or whatever. It got to the point where I was struggling and pulling extra hours of work to keep up. I would come home in the middle of summer where it's 104 out and they have the thermostat at 62 and would get mad at me if I turned it up to 72 because 'it was unbearably hot' our ac bill for our small apartment was insane because of this and granted, I'm the one pretty much paying for most of it.
They would get mad at me for the smallest thing. Guilt me and saying I treated them like children when they were adults. But yeah, I'm gonna be mad if I come home and you left our electric fire place on in the summer because you like the aesthetic and our ac is blasting.
Now, here is where things take a turn and get Weird. Both me and alice are Hispanic and we were both raised religious. Due to our heritage and background, we have both experienced paranormal stuff growing up and within our families. It's not uncommon in Mexican culture to deal with the paranormal. I have some severe ptsd thanks to several past experiences I had as a child that I won't get into. When we moved out we were both religious people. Over the next few months Alice began to deconstruct her faith and wanted to find what she believed which I supported her on that. The one rule I had was not to bring anything or interact with anything paranormal. I did not want that in my apartment and she knows and has witnessed my recovery from my trauma with certain things. She completely agreed. She started exploring things with crystals, Tarot, all of that stuff and I gave her space and let her do her thing.
This is when Sofie came in to our lives. She was an old friend from HS that wanted to reconnect with us and we began hanging out. All of three of us were friends but me and Sofie hung out more. Over the course of the next few months things got weird in our apartment. Lights would flicker occasionally, their cat would meow and hiss at seemingly nothing. We would make jokes and move on. And Because I was working so much and I also had health issues, my mental health began to decline. I have severe depression and have been able to maintain it but due to the stress and my own isolation, It began to worse. Also they never cleaned the apartment unless asked (even tho Alice was home nearly every day) their cat would tear up the carpet. They'd leave dirty dishes all over the kitchen and internet would shut off because they'd forget to pay the internet bill (the only bill they managed on their own) because Nathan didn't believe in checking mail even if they were late notices. He'd toss them all. We'd get into fights and they would tell me how horrible of a friend I was because I had to 'constantly nag them' when they were behind on rent or reminding them we could not afford to have our ac at 62 in the summer.
7 months in and I made the decision to not renew our least together. We both wanted to try and save our friendship in anyway we could so as soon as it was up, we would part ways and I would move in with my brother and SIL and help them out for a bit until I found another place to stay.
Month 10. I was so physically sick, the doctors wasn't sure what was wrong with me. My mental health declined so bad that I began contemplating suicide. I was under so much stress and in debt. They were nearly 2 months behind on rent. But I didn't want us to get evicted and I'm a people pleaser and I wanted these last few months just to get over with. They left for a trip to see a family member for 2 weeks. Taking the cat and leaving me alone in the apartment. I was so happy for the first day. And then that's when everything happened.
Whispers were coming from their room. Like someone was having a conversation. I could never hear what was being said but as soon as I'd get close enough, it would stop. Their lights and lamps would turn on at night. On day 3 I went in and unplugged EVERYTHING to make sure it wasn't on some sort of timer. I guess it didn't like that because at night, the door would open and slam shut, repeatedly. It would do it so hard it shook the walls. Because of my own depression I literally thought I was losing my mind and it was in my head. No way this was happening. Things began to rearrange themselves. I could hear it. Furniture moving, jewelry being moved around, all of it, in their room. I texted Alice making a joke about how her room may be haunted. She replied with "familiar spirits get curious when their owners leave. It's fine"
I asked her to clarify. She pretty much told me she was in contact with something and since they were gone it was just curious and exploring.
I... I really had no words. I felt betrayed and lied too. How hard was it to not bring something into this apartment? To not communicate with things in our house? I should have left then. I didn't. While it stayed in the room, I could feel it. Like it was watching me. I grew paranoid. I didn't tell anyone. Didn't want to make a big fuss I just wanted to leave so I made plans to move out sooner then later.
One day. I just snapped. I don't put blame on her. I should have reached out, let people in and not isolate. I don't think she even knew how bad it was for me. I text my best friend, the one friend I knew doesn't text back for HOURS if not a day before my attempt. (different best friend, not sofie) She made it in time and stopped me mid attempt. Her and her husband came into my apartment. And as I was saying I felt like I was going crazy and having a psychotic break, the door opened on its own and slammed shut. They witnessed it and I cried because I honestly thought I was losing my mind despite the texts.
They tried to get me to leave then and I said no. They told my brother who called me and demanded I pack my things immediately and so my sister came over the next day while I went to work (just one day after the attempt) she didn't tell me until years later but she experienced everything I had. Which now makes sense as to why she helped me pack so freaking fast. I didn't tell her anything, just that I needed to leave and weird things had happened. I packed my things, I left. My parents found out and my dad went into the apartment (he grew up in the thick if it with his grandmother being in the occult) and my dad knew something bad was in that apartment and helped me get everything else out.
My friend came back livid. Our parents are close and her parents were upset with her. Asking why she was messing around with these things. I sat down and had a talk with her. Telling her I was sorry for how things came to light but I didn't really have a say in the matter. I said I'd be dead if my friend hadn't shown up and saved me from my attempt which was what started our family finding out. She looked me in the eye and said "im sorry. But you lived. And now thanks to you, I have to deal with my family finding out." I have never seen her be so emotionless or cold like she was when she said those words to me. I realized then, she did not care.
She blamed it on me. Telling my parents and her parents I was messing with stuff. We are grown adults. Act like it. If this is what you want to do with your life own it. Don't blame it on me as an escape goat because you didn't want to tell you parents you no longer believe in a religion. No one believed her anyway. But still, it hurt. I realized our friendship could never be salvaged. Sofie witnessed this all and cut ties with Alice. Alice bad mouthed me and blamed me. She also forced me to pay for the last months rent because I apparently owed her. (it was that or give it to her mom who didn't have the money) And left with a 10k cleaning and damage fee that I thankfully got the apartment to pin on them. I tried so hard to make Alice see my perspective and how I wasn't blaming her for my attempt or anything but she would shut me out and ignore me. I kept things quiet, tried not to tell our mutual friends what went on. But I found out from them that she blamed me for it all. Told them it was all my fault. That I was controlling and horrible to her when I have text message proof of how abusive she was too me and manipulative. There is so much more, I could make a list of all the things she and her bf did and lied about but for the sake of time, just know, as a people pleaser, this experience killed that. It lefted me jaded and Cynical of everyone. She was like a sister to me... I never thought we would end this way.
So..to the actual point of this post...
2 years have gone by Alice has no contact with me nor I, with her. Me and sofie are best friends. She's heard everything, she's seen the text and been my shoulder to cry on. She decided to move to Seattle which is far from me but I promise to stay in touch. We do and she gets proposed to by her long term bf and I'm excited for her. We're on the phone talking about dates and dresses when she drops a bombshell on me. She said Alice had moved to Seattle a few months back and reached out to her. They began to hang out and now are close friends. She wants a super small wedding with like 50 people and Alice and Nathan will be coming. If she maintained a friendship with them, I don't think this would have hurt so bad. It's the fact that she cut ties with them on her own terms and told me she never wanted to see Alice's face again. She'd go out if her way to talk crap about them. So I was shocked when she said this.
I immediately began to cry. I didn't mean to. I'm in therapy, I'm doing so much better but the flood of emotions came back and I broke down crying. I felt like Alice got to get away scot free. She didn't have debt, she didn't have trauma from the event, she kept all her friends while I lost some. And now she gained another. I apologized and said it was her day and it was about her, she could do whatever she wanted. But the thing that made me cut ties was when she told me that I almost didn't make the cut to the wedding. Alice did. But she wasn't sure if she would have room for me, her best friend. She then said if I wasn't comfortable I could stay home for the wedding and not come. I realized we weren't as close as we were use to and that hurt. She also told me I should forgive Alice for what she did and Alice has no issues with me. I told her no. Alice never apologized, Alice wasn't the one traumatized, and Alice still believed she did nothing wrong. I apologized for my part and in turn she dragged my name through the mud. I would never treat any of my friends how she treated me. She has not changed, I know that for SURE. So no, I won't.
Sofie responded that there are two sides to every story and she could remain friends with us both. But I feel like she already made her choice. I told her I wasn't coming to the wedding and cut ties. That was in January.
So yeah... AITA for cutting ties with Sofie because she invited Alice to her wedding? Should I try to reach out? Or just let it be.
Part of me feels bad. But the amount of abuse Alice put me through... I feel like there has to be some sort of line. I would never be friends with sofie's ex friend who abused her. And she even told me if I did, she wouldn't be friends with me. I use to thing that was petty but somethings... Somethings you can't move past.

submitted by Purebloosprincess to CharlotteDobreYouTube [link] [comments]

2024.05.15 17:14 Affectionate_Care669 Bracelet Help

Hello Swifties!! So I’m just organizing my stuff together for the bracelets. I’m planning to start making them in November. I’m going to be spending September and October crocheting my outfit hehe. I just want to make sure all the songs are there that she has done for each album are on the list and that I hadn’t missed any.
Taylor Swift 1. Tim McGraw // 2. Picture To Burn // 3. Teardrops On My Guitar // 4. A Place In This World // 5. Cold As You // 6. The Outside // 7. Tied Together With A Smile // 8. Stay Beautiful // 9. Should’ve Said No // 10. Mary’s Song // 11. Our Song // 12. I’m Only Me When I’m With You // 13. Invisible // 14. A Perfectly Good Heart
Fearless (Taylor’s Version) 15. Fearless // 16. Fifteen // 17. Love Story // 18. Hey Stephen // 19. White Horse // 20. You Belong With Me // 21. Breathe // 22. Tell Me Why // 23. You’re Not Sorry // 24. The Way I Loved You // 25. Forever & Always // 26. Come In With The Rain // 27. Superstar // 28. The Other Side Of The Door // 29. Today Was A Fairytale // 30. You All Over Me // 31. Mr Perfectly Fine // 32. We Were Happy // 33. That’s When // 34. Don’t You // 35. Bye Bye Baby // 36. If This Was A Movie // 37. Change
Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) 38. Mine // 39. Sparks Fly // 40. Back To December // 41. Speak Now // 42. Dear John // 43. Mean // 44. The Story Of Us // 45. Never Grow Up // 46. Enchanted // 47. Better Than Revenge // 48. Innocent // 49. Haunted // 50. Last Kiss // 51. Long Live // 52. Ours // 53. Superman // 54. Electric Touch // 55. When Emma Falls In Love // 56. I Can See You // 57. Castles Crumbling // 58. Foolish One // 59. Timeless
Red (Taylor’s Version) 60. State Of Grace // 61. Red // 62. Treacherous // 63. I Knew You Were Trouble // 64. All Too Well // 65. 22 // 66. I Almost Do // 67. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together // 68. Stay Stay Stay // 69. The Last Time // 70. Holy Beautiful // 71. Sad Beautiful Tragic // 72. The Lucky One // 73. Everything Has Changed // 74. Starlight // 75. Begin Again // 76. The Moment I Knew // 77. Come Back…Be Here // 78. Girl At Home // 79. Ronan // 80. Better Man // 81. Nothing New // 82. Babe // 83. Message In A Bottle // 84. I Bet You Think About Me // 85. Forever Winter // 86. Run // 87. The Very First Night // 88. All Too Well (10 Minute Version) // 89. Eyes Open // 90. Safe & Sound
1989 (Taylor’s Version) 91. Welcome To New York // 92. Blank Space // 93. Style // 94. Out Of The Woods // 95. All You Had To Do Was Stay // 96. Shake It Off // 97. I Wish You Would // 98. Bad Blood // 99. Wildest Dreams // 100. How You Get The Girl // 101. This Love // 102. I Know Places // 103. Clean // 104. Wonderland // 105. You Are In Love // 106. New Romantics // 107. Slut // 108. Say Don’t Go // 109. Now That We Don’t Talk // 110. Suburban Legends // 111. Is It Over Now
Reputation 112. Ready For It // 113. Endgame // 114. I Did Something Bad // 115. Don’t Blame Me // 116. Delicate // 117. Look What You Made Me Do // 118. So It Goes // 119. Gorgeous // 120. Getaway Car // 121. King Of My Heart // 122. Dancing With Our Hands Tied // 123. Dress // 124. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things // 125. Call It What You Want // 126. New Year’s Day
Lover 127. I Forgot That You Existed // 128. Cruel Summer // 129. Lover // 130. The Man // 131. The Archer // 132. I Think He Knows // 133. Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince // 134. Paper Rings // 135. Cornelia Street // 136. Death By A Thousand Cuts // 137. London Boy // 138. Soon You’ll Get Better // 139. False God // 140. You Need To Calm Down // 141. Afterglow // 142. Me // 143. It’s Nice To Have A Friend // 144. Daylight // 145. All Of The Girls You Loved Before
Folklore 146. The 1 // 147. Cardigan // 148. The Last Great American Dynasty // 149. Exile // 150. My Tears Ricochet // 151. Mirrorball // 152. Seven // 153. August // 154. This Is Me Trying // 155. Illicit Affairs // 156. Invisible String // 157. Mad Woman // 158. Epiphany // 159. Betty // 160. Peace // 161. Hoax // 162. The Lakes
Evermore 163. Willow // 164. Champagne Problems // 165. Gold Rush // 166. Tis The Damn Season // 167. Tolerate It // 168. No Body No Crime // 169. Happiness // 170. Dorothea // 171. Coney Island // 172. Ivy // 173. Cowboy Like Me // 174. Long Story Short // 175. Marjorie // 176. Closure // 177. Evermore // 178. Right Where You Left Me // 179. It’s Time To Go
Midnights 180. Lavender Haze // 181. Maroon // 182. Anti Hero // 183. Snow On The Beach // 184. You’re On Your Own Kid // 185. Midnight Rain // 186. Question // 187. Vigilante Shit // 188. Bejeweled // 189. Labyrinth // 190. Karma // 191. Sweet Nothing // 192. Mastermind // 193. The Great War // 194. Bigger Than The Whole Sky // 195. Paris // 196. High Infidelity // 197. Glitch // 198. Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve // 199. Dear Reader // 200. Hits Different
The Tortured Poets Department 201. Fortnight // 202. The Tortured Poets Department // 203. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys // 204. Down Bad // 205. So Long London // 206. But Daddy I Love Him // 207. Fresh Out The Slammer // 208. Florida // 209. Guilty As Sin // 210. Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me // 211. I Can Fix Him No Really I Can // 212. LOML // 213. I Can Do It With A Broken Heart // 214. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived // 215. The Alchemy // 216. Clara Bow // 217. The Black Dog // 218. I’mGonnaGetYouBack // 219. The Albatross // 220. Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus // 221. How Did It End // 222. So High School // 223. I Hate It Here // 224. Thank You Aimee // 225. I Look In People’s Windows // 226. The Prophecy // 227. Cassandra // 228. Peter // 229. The Bolter // 230. Robin // 231. The Manuscript

submitted by Affectionate_Care669 to TrueSwifties [link] [comments]

2024.05.15 17:14 Silhouettesetaway Ok, but what if the S3 musical was Into the woods

There would be less casting drama and no bad accents, plus all the character arcs would be parallel, ie:
FINN AS BAKER Learning that your father is more complex than you thought, learning to live with the past and start a future. Transition into adulthood
MERCEDES AS BAKER’S WIFE Rachel may not like this, so if you need casting drama there it is. But the arc works: finally stepping out from the supporting cast to create your own story. Wanting to be an adult so badly you don’t fully register what that means, starting to get male attention in ways you never expect. Her “Moments in the woods” would be funny and heartbreaking as she reminisces on her summer love with Sam whilst cherishing the support she’s received from her new bf
RACHEL AS CINDERELLA Starting a new and bright future, but realizing some things from the past won’t die. Learning to put her morals above her forward momentum in status. Mommy issues.
SANTANA AS THE WITCH Her “Last Midnight” would kill. Also, being forced to play the heel all your life while all you want to do is protect this one perfect thing. Learning she can’t control people like she thinks she can. Those she loves running away from her (her grandmother). The difference between “nice and good” would be a huge motif in her arc throughout the season
BRITTANY AS LITTLE RED This would be so cute! But, it could also lean into the vaguely hinted at fact that Brit was molested in her early teens. Her new sexual awakening with Santana. She could learn not to trust people blindly, maybe stand up to Sue. She could also learn that people make mistakes, even those she idolizes
KURT AS JACK Wanting to do right by a parent but also wanting to take something for yourself. Sexual awakening with Blaine. Standing up for what’s right while controlling rage
BLAINE AS MYSTERIOUS MAN/NARRATOR Leans into the animosity between Blaine and Finn at the beginning. The narrator being killed could tie in with everyone being sick of Blaine being the new front man of ND. His “No more” could be about loving Kurt freely despite past trauma
TINA AS RAPUNZEL Going crazy being forced to stay in her sordid role as a supporting character. They would do “Our little world” and it would be beautiful
PUCK AS CINDERELLA’S PRINCE/WOLF Learning just how superficial his charm really is. Realizing how inauthentic he’s grown to be would make him want to be more open for the sake of Beth
SAM AS RAPUNZEL’S PRINCE Agony would slap. Also could have an arc where Sam’s superficial attraction to Mercedes turns into genuine love and care
QUINN AS CINDERELLA’S MOTHEGRANNY/GIANT Playing the role of a mother now lost could help her understand what she is to Beth. Also Quinn’s alto would make for a nice giant
SUGAR AS LUCINDA Sugar was made to be a stepsister. Could also help her be less vain by noticing parallels between herself and the character
MIKE AS STEWARD/DANCE CAPTAIN Taking on duel roles as performer and production could create the same arc of his grades dipping and him realizing he wants to focus on dance
ARTIE AS DIRECTOR Same arc of finding your passion behind the scenes
It just works

submitted by Silhouettesetaway to glee [link] [comments]

2024.05.15 17:12 env_adhd IUD insertion experience

Content warning: Trauma
I got my first IUD on Friday. I had never had a pap or examine (32 yr) and have always felt guilty about being behind on preventative health care. I have also exclusively used withdraw since I was 18. I have only been in long term relationships and when the birth control conversation inevitably came up in the beginning of each, I would bristle. It would follow the ceasing of condom use and come with the implication that we (I) should be more responsible about birth control. I resented the suggestion that I alone should be responsible for altering my body to accommodate a man's, even my partner's, pleasure because they would rather not wear condoms and don't want to pull out. The idea of bearing the full burden of responsibility by inserting a foreign object in my body, in my most intimate organ has always insensed me on a fundamental level. But in truth, I always felt guilty for depriving my partner. and when friends would rebuke my choices as reckless- I don't know how many times I've been told I must be infertile if I haven't become pregnant yet while not using birth control. So when I went for my first exam, I thought it might be wise to do the responsible thing that I've felt urged to do from all fronts.
I wasn't nervous. In fact I saw it as a challenge to overcome. I listened to the information given to me during the consultarion. I felt like I had enough of a grasp of what was going to happen. I was offered xanax and lidocaine, but it was implied that lidocaine could be just as painful. I don't feel I was discouraged necessarily, but I felt it was not being encouraged. I wish I would have taken both offers instead of just the ibuprofen.
I was told of the potential pain and range of variable experience, that some women have felt the pain of insertion worse than child birth. But everyone that knows me knows that I have a high pain tolerance. And so say many women I imagine. The doctor told me I might have a "whoosh" experience, which I understood to mean fainting. I still didn't feel much fear leading up to the procedure.
I was told how the procedure would go, the assessment, the speculum, the measuring and the insertion. I was surprised by the size of the model iuds, though I'm not sure what I was expecting. I thought I understood the sounding- I didn't. I had no idea about the tenaculum. Once the examine was rolling it seemed all previously mentioned anxiety and pain management were off the table unless I insisted they stop.
I was uncomfortable from the beginning and realized I was in for an unpleasant experience if I couldn't get myself to relax. The resident MD was being coached by the doctor. I heard them discussing the tilt of my uterus as she seemingly went rutting around for my cervix. Even the cotton swab was painful. They brought in a nurse to squeeze my hand and try to distract me with idle conversation. He was a literal angel and I wouldn't have been able even attempt to mask the agony without him there.
I knew it could be painful but I had no idea. I have only ever heard of the "pinch" and some menstrual like cramps. I had only ever heard from women that had had relatively uncomplicated insertions with moderate pain if any.
The insertion was the single most excruciating event of my life. It is still so surreal as my mind is already trying to protect me from the memory days later. I was close to screaming but tried hard to laugh through the agony out of embarrassment and not wanting to make the doctors feel bad. I wish I had blacked out but I was acutely aware of every sensation. At peak pain, I did something I would normally never do and said "This Really Hurts". I can't put into words how much but I know some reading this may understand.
It felt like it lasted ages but eventually it was over. I felt absolutely broken. I was able to sit up even though I was in severe pain and all I could feel was my wrecked cervical canal and the device inside of me. I was able to dress and have some juice that was brought to me. The angel nurse came and sat with me some more to make sure I was okay. I was not, there was no position I could sit or stand in for relief but I again tried to put on a brave face, for a moment.
I felt delirious trying to make conversation and I suddenly realized I was sweating profusely. I informed him I needed to get undressed again. He suggested I lay back down. Terrible, no. I put my head under the faucet. My pelvis was screaming. Standing was awful. I hobbled to the bathroom across the hall and immediately took my shirt off again, more water. I felt like I needed to shit and puke. The pain was getting worse and worse so I weakly crossed the hall again shirtless back to the bed. Now the staff were concerned and coming to assist me.
I spent the next HOUR in pain again, nearly as bad as the procedure. Charlie horse level cramps all over from the waste down, the worst of which concentrated in my cervix. Fever chills and aches like the worst food poisoning/stomach virus you've ever had. The muscles in my hips were screaming and moving was not an option. I had ice packs on my head and warm packs all around my waste. I wondered if my body was in full assault mode against a perceived foreign invader. I am pretty sure I was in shock. I was hypotensive the whole time while a new nurse monitored my vitals. I struggled to respond to any one verbally.
The doctor overseeing the insertion swung by, placed pressure on my lower stomach and asked if it hurt. Yes. You're not gushing blood though are you? No. I don't recall him saying much else before a left again. Later, when delivering my exit consultation he reminded me of the "whoosh" sensation he'd told me about and explained thats what I had just experienced for the last hour and that it was not uncommon.
I felt like I was nailed to that bed for hours pouring sweat and trying everything to avoid the pain in my entire body. Eventually I noticed my breaths were finally seeming to connect back to my heart rate. I started coming back to life and immediately asked the new nurse if she knew why male birth control options were not available in the US after decades. She flatly responded, the patriarchy. I told her I had used tracking and withdraw for the past 14 years and I wasn't sure what I had just done to my body was necessary. She agreed, tracking could be a viable planning option she said. I still hadn't shed a tear during this ordeal.
Tears were to come and to come repeatedly in the following days, every time I remember anything about what happened. I was depleted and deeply depressed. I feel hurt and violated and alone. I'm not mad at any one in particular. I mad on the whole that we are made to feel we have an obligation to bravely endure Why?
The pain largely subsided after the worst of it but I could, and still can, feel the IUD inside me. I hope that awareness goes away and I can eventually forget it's there and what I went through for it. I was starting to feel better today until I got my medical report in my email. Notes for post procedure: "patient tolerated procedure well."
I am so beyond hurt and angry. This has to be a mistake? I've left voice messages with the clinic. This is very important for me that this is corrected, for my record and the larger record. I found it so hard to find stories like mine outside of this forum. Are they going unreported? How common is this? What are these statistics that are published?
I'm mad and exhausted and I hurt for anyone who had also experienced this. I want to hear your stories of your experiences, even if they were more fortunate than mine.
I don't not recommend getting any IUD, but I won't recommend it, at least not without pain management. do yourself the favor. But I feel more opposed to the concept now than ever before. I won't accept that this is the best option available in this day and age. Really?

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2024.05.15 17:12 presumedinnocense Two pieces of critical evidence in triple murder trial are sketch as he!! 30 year vet imprisoned on a life sentence - how did this even happen? Our justice system is truly broken. #freekitmartin

Imagine if you will that you have been accused of a triple murder. Sentenced to a life sentence without the possibility of parole. Twelve jurors in Kentucky found the evidence convincing enough to convict Christian "Kit" Martin for the murders of his neighbors Calvin Phillips, Pam Phillips and Ed Dansereau.
His defense is that he was framed by a vindictive wife (Adele "Joan" Harman) that threatened to ruin him if he divorced her. The jurors got to hear very little about the backstory, a pattern of wild lies and deceptions and accusations against prior men in her lives when things didn't go her way, all discovered by private investigators.
This was a heavy circumstantial case. Joan and her son were allowed to plead the 5th and that fact was not disclosed to the jurors. Out of more than 100 DNA samples tested not one belonged to Kit. There were two key pieces of evidence that convinced these jurors beyond a reasonable doubt the Kit Martin was guilty. Kit claims those two pieces of evidence were planted so lets take a closer look:
First we have the dogtag. I mean, Kit must have done it because he left his dogtag right? There are four critical problems with this evidence:

The name on the dogtag read "Martin, Kit" so this dogtag is not military issue. The military only issues tags with the full name (not nicknames) which would have been printed instead "Martin, Christian." Fake souvenir tags can be purchased online (an even in kiosks in some locations) to read what you input on your order. I know a lot of military people and know exactly zero that wear their tags outside of work. But let's say for arguments sake that the souvenir tag really was Kit's. The murders were planned in "precise military fashion" according to the prosecution, yet Kit chooses to put on a souvenir tag with his name on it that morning? I find that very hard to believe.
This souvenir tag was tested for fingerprints and DNA and they found none. The prosecution argued that while Kit was cleaning up the blood from the carpet in the foyer, the tag must have kept getting in his way so he took it off and set it up on a shelf. That seems really far-fetched.
The tag was on a string and not a break-a-way chain which was also tested for DNA evidence and there was "some DNA evidence" but apparently not enough to make a comparison to Kit's. This seems really off to me. If someone had just committed three murders, I would imagine they would have sweat a bit leaving behind DNA. Yet interestingly there is no DNA evidence on the tag or string matching Kit.
Besides the most ridiculous idea that a murderer would even put that tag on before going to commit these murders, he had the forethought to wipe it down real good when removing it when it was in his way (to remove any fingerprints and DNA). Instead of putting it in his pocket, he places it on a shelf and then he forgets to take it when he leaves? Wow, really?

So the second major piece of evidence in this murder case was a spent 45 casing that matched the Glock found in Kit's safe. Here again there are a few problems with this evidence:

Kit was portrayed by the prosecution as a highly trained ranger who skillfully planned out these murders (or at least Calvin and Pam's as Ed was an unexpected variable). But then afterwards he walked across the street and placed the murder weapon in his safe instead of ditching it? That's not too bright.
The 45 casing was found by family members when cleaning the porch area FIVE months AFTER the murders. This was despite the porch area being processed THREE separate times; once by Christian County Sheriffs Department, once when Detective Scott Smith went to spray the scene with Blue Star (Luminol), and lastly when Crime Scene Investigators came in to try to determine where on the property the shootings took place.
The bullets found in Cal's body were not conclusively linked to Kit's Glock in his safe. But the 45 casing found by family members WAS positively identified as being fired from Kit's Glock.
Kit testified that when he first moved to the area he hung out with Cal some and did target shooting in Cal's backyard. There is no doubt that Kit was a gun enthusiast, but that does not make a person a murderer. He had spent casings in his backyard, Cal's backyard and in his truck bed. So it would be easy for someone to collect one of Kit's spent casings and plant it on the porch through the latticework.

So there you have it - so much reasonable doubt, zero DNA evidence yet Kit sits in prison with a life sentence. I want justice for the murders of Cal, Pam and Ed as much as anyone but I want the true killes behind bars. The entire case was aired on Court TV but a great book outlining this complicated triple murder along with much of the backstory was just released: https://www.amazon.com/WILL-RUIN-YOU-Twisted-Behind/dp/1960332651/ref=sr_1_1?crid=16F4EJ1ADIAFW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0Uv31xRkigJgf0YtFU_hoTDA5NKrUkmCjLdhWuYJt7PGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.JPhlG_WJosxW0v7nGrsHoDXG_IlDGM6632INYnJiFwA&dib_tag=se&keywords=emilio+corsetti&qid=1715785721&sprefix=emilio+corsetti%2Caps%2C184&sr=8-1
A good reference for this case is the Dateline episode "The Evil That Watches." https://www.nbc.com/dateline/video/the-evil-that-watches/9000190878
Another good shorter synopsis (though a HUGE mistake is minute 4:25 where he states the phone found in the driveway was determined to be Pam's. It was Ed's phone found in the driveway. Joan was actually the one that took Pam's phone into the ATT store about a month after the murders saying she found it and wanted to get it unlocked (that's a whole crazy part of evidence that also convinces me that Kit is innocent - #joanhadthephone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WbFF7SyeSg

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2024.05.15 17:11 bellahooks Update: FIL COVID and NICU debacle

See my original post here.
tw: birth trauma, mention of self-harm
Hi, it’s me. The FTM whose FIL brought COVID into the NICU where our son was and subsequently caused me to be separated from him, leading to almost two years of trauma therapy, couples’ therapy, and more. My son is in PT and speech and we still don’t know if it’s because he was born not breathing. The update is long but I really need y’all’s advice because we are seeing my in laws on Saturday and I’ve been having panic attacks all week and I could use some support.
So, it’s been 20 months and this remains an issue. Our son was born September 2022; here is an overview of what’s happened since then:
-As I said in my original post, we tried to initiate a visit with him in November 2022. He declined. -February 2023: he sends us a letter saying he “will do whatever it takes” to repair things and he wants to be a grandfather to his grandson. Still not taking accountability for how he treated us, icing us out, ignoring my birthday and our wedding anniversary while the baby and I were still hospitalized because he was angry, etc. None of it. -In laws reach out a couple more times throughout 2023: husband’s birthday, Mother’s Day (though I didn’t get anything this year unlike the flowers I got a day late last year), and baby’s first birthday.
My FIL never asks about his grandson or his health.
Here’s the big one: we invite them over November 2023. Baby is at my parents’. It’s the first time I’m having any contact with FIL since I was lying in a hospital bed getting an emergency blood transfusion. During this visit, I cry, my husband cries, my MIL cries. FIL is somewhere between stoic and defensive. FIL hears from my husband why we are so upset. He still doesn’t apologize for anything: the situation he put us in, how he got angry at us for “not checking on him,” and “being disrespectful” when my husband asked why he wasn’t more careful and why he told us he was masking before my induction when we got confirmation from his mom that he wasn’t. Why, when I was in the hospital getting psych treatment a day after giving birth for the first time because I couldn’t see my child and felt suicidal, he did nothing. No “I love you, I’m here for you, I’m sorry you’re in this situation.”
The most we got was him telling my husband privately “I guess I let my ego get in the way.” That’s it, that’s all we got. Then I went to get the baby so he could meet his grandfather for the first time and it was weird. He was very distant, not emotional at all. It was so strange.
So here we are. My husband wants to go see them this weekend, so we are driving 6 hours round trip and I am FINALLY going to tell my FIL what’s been on my mind for the last year and a half plus.
So my question is this: do I just let him have it? Yell? Cry? Read all my points I’ve written in my Notes App like a letter? Ask him why he abandoned us after he exposed a NICU of newborns to COVID? Why he blamed ME for the rift between us? Why he was more focused on my husband “checking on him” when my husband was juggling a baby with a brain bleed in the NICU and a wife struggling with thoughts of self-harm?
Do I suck it up and put this to the side for the sake of my son, so he can know his grandfather?
Please help. Happy to answer in more detail because there’s a lot more but I didn’t want this post to be too long. Thank you so much for reading this far, it means the world to me.

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2024.05.15 17:10 Chen_Geller Tolkien Begginings: the antecedents of Peter Jackson's (and others) Middle-earth

I still sit sometimes and chuckle, thinking "When Ralph Bakshi started animating The Lord of the Rings in 1976, did he know what he was going to unleash on the world?" There was also the Rankin/Bass TV special, being developed concurrently, but its the Bakshi film that, in 1979, Peter Jackson saw, and this young Photoengraver would later direct six (!) live-action Tolkien films and, between himself and co-producer Philippa Boyens, are hard to work producing three more such films. Other adaptations since - namely, The Rings of Power (especially Season One) but also games from The Shadow of Mordor to Return to Moria - have at the very least taken cues from Jackson's films. All because a Kiwi photoengraver saw a cartoon....
But the relationship between these properties is not so clear-cut as it may seem. I ednumbered the similarities and dissimilarities between Jacksons' films and The Rings of Power elsewhere. Now I want to delve deeper into the similarities and dissimilarities between Jackson and previous adaptations of Tolkien.

The Rankin/Bass TV Specials

Side-by-side video comparisons between Jackson's films and the two Rankin/Bass TV Specials do not reveal any similarities that don't come from the fact that they're adapting the same books. This is an important point: Jackson is NOT trying to make some post-modern "collage" Hollywood film. He's only tipping his hat to those adaptations of Tolkien that he had seen growing up and that influenced him personally.¹
Due to copyright, the Rankin/Bass specials probably didn't air in New Zealand at all, and although it seems Jackson got a hold of the Rankin/Bass The Hobbit before embarking on The Lord of the Rings, he had not seen their Return of the King, certainly before 1999, and neither he nor his close collaborators have made comments about either of the two Specials. By contrast, the (American!) showrunners of The Rings of Power had referenced the Rankin/Bass Specials, and seemingly tipped their hat to it in a set design for season two.²

The Ralph Bakshi film

As I said, Jackson went to see the Bakshi film. He had enjoyed some of Bakshi's previous film, including the Tolkien-esque Wizards, released the previous year, and went to see his latest. At the time he hadn't read the books, making Bakshi's film his first exposure to Tolkien, but he does admit he "heard the name" of the book beforehand. His biography suggests he saw it in late 1978, when it first premiered, but surely it would have arrived at New Zealand in early 1979.³
The connection between the two films had been played up, unsurprisingly, by Ralph Bakshi himself. A leonine, grandiose man, Bakshi is anything but a reliable narrator. His own suggestion that he hadn't actually seen the films - only trailers, he claims - sounds believable enough and certainy understandable.⁴ But, then, if he didn't watch them, it makes his critique of them as deriviative of his films all the more dubious, even without actually looking at the specifics of what he said:

Look at his Lothlorien. Look at my backgrounds of Lothlorien. Take a look! He had much more to see than I did, and if you don't think he lifted it over and over again, you're wrong. I mean, how did he design a knife in Lord of the Rings? How did he design a sword? How did he design the dwarf with his axe? How did he design the fur around him? Why did Peter Jackson put fur around the dwarf? Because I put fur around the dwarf! Why would the dwarf have fur naturally? You see, I could give you a billion little things. I wish I had a movie to look at.⁵

These are truly some confused claims, for the most part. The most credible part here is the Hobbits hiding under the branch from the Ringwraiths, a shot composition later to also be replicated in season one of the Rings of Power, and which we'll get to later.
Another claim of Bakshi's that cannot be dismissed out of hand is that, however big or small a debt Jackson owes to his film, he said that Jackson didn't publically acknowledge the influence and felt that it was only appropriate to have welcomed him to visit the set or something: by comparison, Jackson invited Rick Baker, who played King Kong in the 1978 version, to cameo in his King Kong.⁶
Jackson actually did mention the Bakshi filming in passing in the making-ofs. Then again, he entirely fails to mention the radio serial, either. Ultimately, Jackson possibly in cahoots with New Line Cinema, must have felt it unwise to point to a previous adaptation that had only achieved mixed success, at the outset of his own enterprise. He did talk more about the Bakshi film, and more fondly, in the director's commentary to The Fellowship of the Ring and in a couple of later interviews, which are significant gestures, but he clearly wasn't going to trumpet the influence Bakshi's film had on him off of every rooftop.⁷
In his 2006 biography, Jackson actually briefly reviews the Bakshi film:

I liked the early part – it had some quaint sequences in Hobbiton, a creepy encounter with the Black Rider on the road, and a few quite good battle scenes – but then, about half way through, the storytelling became very disjointed and disorientating and I really didn’t understand what was going on. However, what it did do was to make me want to read the book – if only to find out what happened!⁸

This is a complementary but admittedly mixed review, and Jackson had made similar comments since, calling it "brave and ambitious" but consistently decrying the hokum of the film's second half.⁹ Now, it is true that artists can be influenced by a work of art in spite of themselves, but lets see if we can try and quantify the influence.
From the outset, in the audio commentary, Jackson remarks that "our film stylistically is very different and the design is different," which is apposite: Bakshi swore a debt to Howard Pyle, which certainly leaves its mark of the gorgeous natural bakcdrops, but a source closer at hand (especially considering his follow-up fantasy film, Fire and Ice) is the most popular fantasy illustrator of his day, Frank Frazetta: Bakshi's Witch King is practically ripped from Frazetta's famous "Dark Rider" illustration.¹⁰
Jackson's approach, however, was steeped in a kind of romantic realism that by and large eschewed the heightened work of Frazetta, opening a yawning stylistic gulf between his film and Bakshi's on a general level. Bakshi's Hobbit-holes have overhanging roofs that give the impression of fairies living under mushrooms (which they in fact had in his previous film, Wizards) and the interiors of Bag End are earthen, more of a rabbit-hole than Jackson's English countryside villa. There are some similarities, like the Hobbits having similarly-clipped pants, but its hard to say costume designer Ngilla Dickson had Bakshi in mind for that look.
There's the basic structure of the narrative: both films leave some of the same plot beats out - Tom Bombadil, most notably - both intercut the Frodo and Aragorn storylines throughout (as per the appendices rather than the body of the text), and both open with a prologue. However, many of these are common-sense approaches that, if one were to put 100 screenwriters in a room, a good 90 of which would choose to pursue: in fact, Sir John Boorman's earlier Lord of the Rings script had likewise intercut the stories and redacted many of the same episodes as both Bakshi and Jackson, and similar approaches were taken in the 1958 Morton Zimmerman treatment. Certainly, in the case of the choice to pursue a prologue, a precedent closer at hand exists in the form in the 1981 radio serial, a point made all the stronger by the fact that when Jackson first concieved of and sketched the prologue, he hadn't seen Bakshi's film in 20 years.¹¹
Bakshi did claim that New Line were screening his film repeatedly, but author Ian Nathan says that was never the case. Miramax did screen the film for Jackson in 1997, after he'd written the treatment. Jackson's treatment included Glorfindel and Erkenbrand, who in subsequent drafts are replaced by Arwen (Legolas in Bakshi's film) and Eomer, but still I find that it falls more into the realm of common-sense screenwriting decisions than anything that could be tied to Bakshi in a clear way, especially the latter which happens at the end of Bakshi film, a part of the film Jackson admits to have found incoherent.¹²
Rather, the place to look for similarities between the two projects is in the opening leg of The Fellowship of the Ring. Jackson actually, in the director's commentary, points out the shot of Odo Proudfoot calling "Proudfeet!" as a deliberate homage to Bakshi's shot, "which I thought was great." He doesn't acknowledge a couple - only a couple - of other shots that are quite similar: one is the evocative shot of the Ring tumbling over the rocks in Gollum's cave just before Bilbo finds it. Another still is an entire sequence of shots which misdirect us into thinking the Ringwraiths killed the Hobbits in their beds. Both are a little TOO similar to be waved away as coincidental.¹³
The Ringwraith shot is a more special case: It was nominally based off of a John Howe illustration, ostensibly of the Bakshi scene. But Jackson - who's quoted review of the Bakshi film mentions this scene - could hardly not notice the similarity to the Bakshi scene, especially since the scene doesn't at all play like this in the novel. What's more, the scene was first storyboared only shortly after Jackson say Bakshi's film for the second time, and shot not too long after that being that it was the first scene filmed. So its only fair to cite Bakshi as an influence on that shot.¹⁴
https://preview.redd.it/9mbqqm4zul0d1.png?width=550&format=png&auto=webp&s=a45cdd06543d70200e3eacf150f14d03d222203b
There are other bits and pieces: did Jackson have Bakshi in mind when he added a scene of Saruman rallying up the Uruk-hai before the siege of Helm's Deep? Its hard to say. An even more elusive case is made by Bakshi: "I'm glad Peter Jackson had a movie to look at—I never did. And certainly there's a lot to learn from watching any movie, both its mistakes and when it works." In other words, Bakshi here suggests his film influenced Jackson in terms of what NOT to do. To his credit, Jackson does remember that the design process for Treebeard was in part motivated by trying to divorce him from the Bakshi version, which both him and Dame Fran Walsh remember as being "like a walking carrot." But when we start getting into that level, it all becomes very tenuous. There were a lot of things about the fantasy genre in general - Conan the Barbarian and Willow are oft-cited by Jackson - that he tried to avoid.¹⁵
Ultimately, I have to judge that the similarities between the two versions amount to a handful of rather insignificant beats, all in the first hour of Fellowship of the Ring. To hyperbolically play up the similarities between the two projects is to give in to Bakshi's hyperbolic rhetoric.

Tolkien illustrations

Jackson's first and, at the time, only copy of The Lord of the Rings was a tie-in to the Bakshi film. This would mean he hadn't gotten into the world of Tolkien illustrations until developing his own films, when he suggests he went on a detail-exhaustive search for Tolkien art. He had seen Tolkien's own illustrations, but decided that they're "not very helpful in terms of the lighting and the mood."¹⁶
The most acclaimed illustrators of the previous era of Tolkien were Pauline Bayens (whose Minas Tirith is reproduced in the Rankin/Bass Return of the King) and the Brothers Hildebrandt, whose bestial Balrog presents a precursor both to Bakshi's but also to the Minotaur-like Balrog of John Howe.¹⁷
Howe was one of a trifecta of Tolkien illustrators, along with Ted Nasmith and Alan Lee, to enjoy great vogue at the time when Jackson was developing his films. Of the three, Lee is often deemed the most celebrated and certainly made the biggest impact on Jackson, whose next copy of the book was to be an Alan Lee illustrated edition. But he also noticed Howe through is work on Tolkien calendars, and later also purchased some originals of Ted Nasmith. All three were approached to participate in concept design for the films, although Nasmith sadly had to decline.¹⁸
In many places, Jackson precisely copied designs of Lee's and Howe's existing paintings, and in some places carbon copied their lighting and composition for shots, as well as grading the films (before the advent of the latest remaster) somewhat along the lines established in their paintings. But the majority of Lee and Howe's work for Jackson was in producing NEW concept art to his specifications, and so its wrong to look at Jackson's films as being a part of the Lee-Howe ouevure, as such.

The 1981 Radio Serial

A less touted influence on Jackson's film is the superlative 1981 BBC radio serial. Where Jackson hadn't reread the book nor revisited Bakshi's film between 1979 and 1997, he had spent much of the that time listening on-and-off to a tape of the radio serial, usually while working in his garage on special effects.¹⁹
The most obvious similarity is the casting of Sir Ian Holm, who had voiced Frodo in the radio serial, as Bilbo. Holm was apparently at the top of Jackson's casting wishlist, partially for this reason. A particularly striking moment occurs when Holm's Frodo quotes Bilbo's "Its a dangerous business Frodo, going out your door: you step on to the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to", a line again given to Holm - now as Bilbo - in voiceover at the same spot in Jackson's film.²⁰
Again, many of the similar structural choices here are similar to Jackson, adding a prologue, contracting the early stages of Frodo's quest and intercutting the Aragorn and Frodo's stories throughout. Brian Sibley admits to have modelled his prologue on Bakshi's own, but Jackson is unlikely to have known it at the time, and when we start thinking in terms of second-hand influences we're again into very tenuous territory. Otherwise, the influence doesn't seem all too great, although Sibley remembers that Walsh, perhaps half-jokingly, told him "we stole your ending" in the way that they did the Grey Havens and then a quick segue to Sam's return home, basically along the lines of the book.²¹
A young, and already Tolkien-devotee, Sir Ian Holm recording Bilbo
Sibley had recruited his cast from the BBC's company of actors, which is also the troupe Bakshi turned to, meaning that Sibley ended-up with Bakshi's Boromir (Michael Graham Cox) and, notably, his Gollum (Peter Woodthorpe). In spite of Woodthorpe's evocative performance of Gollum's voice in both the Bakshi and Sibley versions, its influence on Andrew Serkis' performance of Gollum is nonexistent, as Serkis had developed the voice before having heard Woodthorpe rendition, having only read The Hobbit prior to being cast.²²

Other fantasy films

Jackson had seen pretty much all the fantasy films of the 1980s, and while they were important in terms of establishing the genre, they hadn't left much of an impression on Jackson. The most succesful - George Lucas' Star Wars - was more space-fantasy, undoubtedly impressed Jackson but didn't much influence his films: to this day, he professes to not be a huge Star Wars fan, in spite of the amiacable manner he and Lucas took with each other in later years, and admits that he sees the influence of Lucas more "in what he did for the industry, not in terms of the actual films that he made."²³
The first major high-fantasy film, Sir John Boorman's Excalibur, was a little closer to Jackson's heart, but isn't much of an influence on his films either. Its true that Jackson's films feature a lot of plate armour, but that's indebted primarily to John Howe's abiding love of late Medieval armour, and at any rate is quite different to the Enlightement-era suits of armour one finds in Boorman's film. Willow, produced by George Lucas, was a big shot to the arm of New Zealand's fledgling film industry, and like Star Wars is much indebted to The Hobbit, but left a bad impression on Jackson.²⁴
The Clockmaker's Cottage in Sir Ridley Scott's Legend
Two exceptions are to be cited; Ray Harryhousen's stop-motion fantasy films from the 1950s were huge favourites of Jackson's, although their more Graeco-Roman subject matters were a genre apart from Jackson's films. He is also a big fan of Sir Ridley Scott, and while he joins the consensus of deriding William Hjortsberg notorious screenplay, had taken some cues from his Legend (1986): there's something of the Clockmaker's cottage in Rhosgobel, and Jackson referenced some of the features of Tim Curry's devilish "Lord of Darkness" for the Wargs sinewy faces.²⁵

Other films

Jackson took influence from paintings of old battles and landscapes, but surely his biggest influences are other films: Zulu and Saving Private Ryan had been referenced for Helm's Deep, and there's a touch of Terrence Malick's The Thin Red Line, which Jackson had watched before principal photography, to the atmospheric shots that close the Fellowship prologue. Jackson admitted to rewatching mostly Scorsese films while shooting, and certainly the energy of his moving cameras find a closer kin in Scorsese's films than in anyone else's. There's something of David Lean's Lawrence of Arabia to Jackson's intention to make living, breathing people out of his fantasy characters.²⁶
Surely the inspiration for the shot of Aragorn arriving at Helm's Deep
But there's one film that looms largest in Jackson's films, overshadowing any influence we're looked at so far: Mel Gibson's latest spectacular, Braveheart. Along with other films of this kind like Dances with Wolves and Rob Roy (Gladiator came too late to much influence Jackson's films) it is of crucial importance to the overall cinematic style of Jackson's films, having come out just as Jackson first started thinking of making an original fantasy film, and winning the academy award for Best Picture before any sustained work was done to develop The Lord of the Rings.²⁷

Footnotes

Matt Skuta, "The Hobbit Side-by-Side: Rankin/Bass ('77) & Peter Jackson ('12-'14)" and "Return of the King Side-by-Side: Rankin/Bass ('80) & Peter Jackson ('03)," YouTube, 15 February 2018.
The Rankin/Bass Specials were only made exploiting a loophole in the publication of Tolkien's books that temporarily made them public domain States-side, but meant that their airing was limited to the US, and subsequent a legal agreement with the Tolkien Estate, Canada. Jackson says he hadn't seen their Return of the King in an interview from late 1998. Eric Vespe, “ 20 QUESTIONS WITH PETER JACKSON – PART 2 Ain’t It Cool News,” , 30 December 1998.
Brian Sibley, Peter Jackson: A Filmmaker's Journey (London: Harper Collins, 2006), pp. 107-111.
Kyle, ""Legends of Film: Ralph Bakshi," Nashville Public Library, 29 April 2013.
Emru Townsend, "INTERVIEW: Ralph Bakshi", Frames Per Second, 2 July 2004.
Ken P., "Interview with Ralph Bakshi," IGN, May 25, 2004. Broadway, Clifford Q., "The Bakshi Interview: Uncloaking a Legacy". The One Ring, 20 April 2015.
Anonymous, "From Book to Script," and Peter Jackson et al, "Director's Commentary," both in Peter Jackson, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (New Line: 2002). Also Anonymous, "Peter Jackson interview". Explorations (Barnes & Noble, November 2001). Peter Jackson interview at the Egyptian Theater, 6 February 2004.
Sibley, pp. 109 ff.
Director's Commentary.
Ned Raggett, "The Trouble With Ralph Bakshi’s The Lord Of The Rings & Other Tolkien Misadventures", The Quietus, 19 November 2018
Ian Nathan, Everything You Can Imagine: Peter Jackson and the Making of Middle-earth (London: HarperCollins, 2017), p. 138.
Peter Jackson et al, The Lord of the Rings, quoted in Sibley, pp. 109, 704, 751.
Director's Commentary.
Celedor, "10 Things You Know About The LOTR Movies (That Aren’t True)," TheOneRing, 11 June 2013.
"Interview with Ralph Bakshi."
Sibley, p. 738-744. Exeter College, Oxford, "Sir Peter Jackson in conversation: Exeter College Oxford Eighth Century Lecture Series", YouTube, 30 July 2015.
Howe admits to the influence of the Hildebrandts, and in turn his own bestial Balrog would influence those of Alan Lee and Ted Nasmith. This would be popularised by Jackson, and finally emulated by Rings of Power. John Howe, "First Thing's First," John-Howe, 6 January 2012.
"Sir Peter Jackson in conversation", Sibley, 738-744. The One Ring, "Peter Jackson MISSED OUT! Talking Tolkien with Renowned Artist Ted Nasmith," YouTube, 11 July 2023.
Nathan, p. 123, NB 1008.
Nathan, p. 258.
Nerd of the Rings, "Brian Sibley, writer, BBC's The Lord of the Rings (1981) - Interview," YouTube, 20 April 2021.
Nathan, pp. 621 ff
"Sir Peter Jackson in conversation"
“20 QUESTIONS WITH PETER JACKSON – PART 2"
Ibid.
Nathan, pp. 158, 393, 645.
u/Chen_Geller, "How Masterpieces beget Masterpieces: Braveheart and The Lord of the Rings," Reddit, 23 June 2021.

Conclusions

Any notion that Jackson's films are derivative of previous Tolkien adaptations - namely, Bakshi's - are very much hyperbolic, and stem more from adopting an inflated rhetoric taken by the likes of Bakshi. As an adaptation, Jackson's works are based soley on Tolkien's books, and merely tip their hat occasionally to previous adaptations - and not all previous adaptations, either. Cinematically, they draw rather from other sources: less from other adaptations of Tolkien or other fantasy film (Tolkien-esque or not) and more from historical epics, both from the 1960s but also and especially from the time in which Jackson first started developing his films.

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2024.05.15 17:09 Thetokenteacher Update from February Walkout

Hi everyone!
I wanted to update everyone on my journey since I walked out of my classroom in February.
Life has been a roller coaster! I went through a period of grief. I loved most of my students, I love the excitement of teaching them and seeing them learn and go do amazing things. I miss seeing adults everyday, and "having a purpose"...A few of my have students reached out via social media; I did attend a track meet they invited me to attend. I sat on the parents side, and did not interact with any students. I didn't let them know I was there until after I had left. The assholes that reached out, in a petty way, it feels good to ignore them.
I still don't have a permanent job. I have applied many places casually. I am working through a police dispatch interview process, which takes a long while, but I am doing some merchandising for Dollar General, and I actually love it. The pay sucks, but I can work when and how long I want. My husband is in sales, so sometimes I go to work with him and assistant him in his work task. I actually take my kids to school (I never had the luxury because of a commute) and wait for them to get home to hear about their day. I have completed all my yearly doctors appointments which haven't been done in 3 years. I am processing a lot of things I have simply put off because teaching took so much out of me, that I just didn't have the energy when I got home. I am seeing and talking to my friends, I have my life back! I am off depression medications!
The negatives, I had a weak moment and thought I wanted to go back to teaching, I had an amazing interview for a dream job, which is the only reason I applied, I received an email saying how much they loved me, and wanted to speak with my former principal and one other former principal, after a week I still hadn't heard anything, so I followed up and received "after speaking with your references, we cannot recommend you for hire" this is for the ENTIRE DISTRICT. I was very sad for a few days, but then decided its God's way of keeping me out of teaching. So I filed for unemployment to help me at least try to compensate for some of my missing $$, since for sure can't get a local teaching job. The district, as expected, is fighting it. I had an interview with the unemployment office yesterday and they lied about everything. So I submitted 8 pages of documentation in a counter claim to everything they said. Oh and I can only receive $15,000. Is it the end of the world? No. Is it worth it for me to hash it out with this district and all the policies they violate? Possibly. I mean one reason I left was because I did not want any of their BS (SPED, state testing, FERPA violations) attached to my teaching license.
Overall, I have learned teaching is a cult. The fact that they expect so much out of us is literally the most disgusting thing in the world. I realized that even though I was doing my best every day it was never going to be enough. Getting up and giving it my all, only to be told by society, politicians, administration, parents and students it wasn't good enough was killing my mental health.
Last week, I was literally working on a reset and my boss said "it's good enough, it doesn't have to be perfect" People, what we do in the classroom isn't just good enough, it is exceptional, it is above and beyond the normal expectations of the traditional work environment. As a matter of fact, I am learning that sometimes just showing up is good enough!!!! Honestly, shouldn't just showing up for the future be enough?

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