Here is my list for Missouri's post Furman execution roster that I wrote for my personal death penalty project. I'll probably release Florida next, and I'm currently working on completing my list for Texas.
As always, the dates given are a time frame of the offender's earliest known criminal activities to their execution. Many of cases described here are extremely depraved in nature, so please read at your own risk. Missouri has also scheduled David Hosier for execution on June 11, and is filling death warrants for Christopher Collings and Marcellus Williams. If these future executions are carried out as planned, then I might update this post with their information.
Due to it exceeding the character count limitations that reddit allows for submissions, I had to divide this list into two separate posts. For the link to part 2, please click here.
The currently executed 98 offenders, cases 1 to 49:
1. George Mercer (~1960s-1989, lethal injection): Mercer was the president of the Missing Links MC motorcycle gang, a title he inherited after his predecessor was killed in a bar fight. Under his leadership, the gang involved itself heavily with organized crime, and had a well earned reputation for extreme violence. The gang harassed and assaulted what they deemed to be "political undesirables" such as left leaning hippies and prohibitionists, and terrorized those aligned with rival motorcycle gangs. They were also predatory towards teenage girls and young women. In one incident, Mercer beat a Vietnam veteran unconscious when the man tried to stop him from sexually harassing underaged girls at a concert, and gang-raped a kidnapped 17 year old girl with some associates in another. One of his followers lured Karen Keeton, a 22 year old tavern waitress, to Mercer's home as a "birthday present" for him. Mercer raped Keeton in his bedroom, and manually strangled her to death. Mercer and his gang members were also speculated to be involved in the murder of 15 year old David Eyman by some webslueths due to his ties with them, but credible evidence is currently lacking.
2. Gerald Smith (1983-1990, lethal injection): Smith beat his girlfriend, 22 year old Karen Roberts, to death with a metal pipe out of fear of her having a venereal disease. While awaiting execution, he stabbed a few death row inmate, 35 year old Robert Baker, with the help of another death row inmate, Frank Guinan. Baker was originally sentenced to death when he shot and killed a detective in a robbery.
3. Winford Stokes (~1969-1990, lethal injection): In 1969, Stokes and his accomplices shot and killed 60 year old Ignatius DiManuele while robbing his tavern. The trio were arrested weeks after the murder. During the trial, they made an escape attempt, but were all recaptured. Stokes was released from prison in 1977, and assaulted a 71 year old man with a claw hammer during a burglary a month later. He fatally shot 73 year old Marie Montgomery and stole her watch in one home invasion, and strangled and stabbed 33 year old Pamela Benda to death in another. Stokes seized Benda's jewelry after rummaging through her drawers.
4. Leonard Laws (1980-1990, lethal injection): Laws and his girlfriend's brothers (one of which was George Gilmore) decided to that the easiest way to earn money for their families was to rob and murder the elderly. He acted as a lookout while the Gilmore murdered and robbed the victims. They were responsible for a total of 5 killings.
5. George Gilmore (1980-1990, lethal injection): Gilmore, his brother, and their sister's boyfriend, the above mentioned Leonard Laws, targeted the elderly in a string of robberies. Their victims, 83 year old Elizabeth Roderique, 83 year old Mary Watters, 65 year old Woodrow Elliott, 83 year old Clarence Williams, and his 81 year old wife Lottie, were shot, stabbed, or strangled to death. After the gang sacked everything of value, they lit the homes on fire. The trio were also suspected in the strangulation murder of 75 year old Edna Winter, but the prosecution weren't able to convict them of it in court.
6. Maurice Byrd (1980-1991, lethal injection): Byrd stormed the Pope’s Cafeteria, a restaurant in a Des Peres mall, and shot 4 employees dead. He stole a total of $9,000 in the robbery. The victims include the manager, 51 year old James Woods, and cooks, 68 year old Edna Ince, and 51 year old Carolyn Turner, and 37 year old Judy Cazaco.
7. Ricky Grubbs (1984-1991, lethal injection): Grubbs and his brother tied 46 year old Jerry Thornton up with neck ties, and stabbed him to death in his trailer. The brothers stole an undisclosed amount of money and food stamps, and burned down the trailer to destroy any evidence of their crime.
8. Martsay Bolder (1973-1993, lethal injection): In 1973, a then teenage Bolder shot and killed 69 year old Louis Donovan in a robbery, and given a life sentence for it. While incarcerated, Bolder feuded with a fellow inmate, 24 year old Theron King. He stabbed King to death for allegedly yelling sexual obscenities at him, and received a death sentence for the killing. King was serving a life sentence for robbery at the time of his murder.
9. Walter Blair Jr. (~1979-1993, lethal injection): Blair allegedly shot and killed 16 year old Sandy Shannon in a robbery, but he wasn't convicted due to the apparent witnesses refusing to testify at the trail. After Blair was cleared of Shannon's murder, he was hired to kill 21 year old Katherine Allen by a man she accused of rape. Blair kidnapped Allen from her apartment, robbed her boyfriend, and shot her to death. His case received notoriety due to the number of his family members that were also convicted for unrelated high profile crimes. One of Blair’s brothers, Terry, was a serial killer that raped and murdered a minimum of 7 sex workers. Another brother, Clifford, abducted and sodomized a woman during a robbery. His sister Warnetta and her husband killed a man together in a robbery and murdered her boyfriend for trying to cut off her drug supply. One of her sons, Nolla IV, later murdered her husband as well. Two more of Warnetta’s, sons, Diamond and William had several robbery convictions. Last but not least, Blair’s mother Janice shot her children's stepfather to death during an argument.
10. Frederick Lashley (1981-1993, lethal injection): Lashley fatally stabbed his foster mother, 55 year old Janie Tracy, during an ambush in their home and stole $15 from her. Tracey had been raising Lashley since he was 2 years old, and had several infirmities, including heart diseases, diabetes and a neuromuscular disorder, at the time of her death.
11. Frank Guinan (~1964-1993, lethal injection): While serving a 40 year sentence for armed robbery, Guinan and another inmate, Richard Zeitvogel, stabbed a fellow prisoner, 30 year old John McBroom (who was incarcerated for drug dealing), to death. Gunian received the death penalty for Pugh's murder. On death row, Gunian assisted the previously mentioned Gerald Smith in the killing of Robert Baker. Guinan had a troubled youth, and was involved with several burglaries and a high speed car chase with police. He had also gotten into several fights with other inmates, and badly injured his cellmate, 38 year old Thomas Pugh (who was also serving a prison sentence for robbery), in one of his incidents.
12. Emmitt Foster (1983-1995, lethal injection): Foster and his accomplice forced themselves into the house that their acquaintance, 26 year old Travis Walker, shared with his girlfriend at gunpoint. The pair shot the couple, killing Walker and injuring his girlfriend. She survived by playing dead. They then sacked the home of any valuables and left. After Foster and his accomplice departed from the scene, Walker's girlfriend wrote down the attackers' names and ran out of the home for help.
13. Larry Griffin (1980-1995, lethal injection): According to prosecutors, Griffin shot and killed 19 year old Quinton Moss while was dealing drugs in a drive by shooting. As Moss was allegedly involved in the murder of Griffin's brother, the investigators believed that it was a revenge killing. His death sentence and execution was controversial, as Griffin's supporters and attorneys alleged that police misconduct occurred during the investigation. However, a posthumous review of his case in 2005 concluded Griffin's guilt.
14. Robert Murray (1985-1995, lethal injection): Murray and his brother held up two men, 27 year old Jeffrey Jackson and 26 year old Craig Stewart, and two women at gunpoint in an apartment. The brothers tied all four of them up, and raped both of the women. They extorted an undisclosed amount of money from their hostages with beatings and shot Stewart and Jackson in the head. The female captives on the other hand managed to jump out of windows to safety.
15. Robert Sidebottom (1985-1995, lethal injection): Sidebottom was upset by how little inheritance that his grandmother, 74 year old May, gave him and decided to grab more money by force in the form of collecting a life insurance policy from her. He broke into May's home and beat her unconscious with chair. As she was incapacitated from the beating, Sidebottom set the house on fire. Although the firefighters were able to put out the flames before she was seriously harmed by them, May died of the injuries she received in the assault.
16. Anthony LaRette (1976-1995, lethal injection): LaRette raped and murdered a minimum of 16 women between the ages of 18-60, but he might have been responsible for a total of 31 murders. All of his known victims were killed in stabbing attacks in their own homes and apartments. While awaiting trial, LaRette was also convicted of conspiring to murder a county jail guard with his father.
17. Robert O'Neal (1979-1995, lethal injection): O'Neal and an accomplice broke into a house that was owned by a prominent doctor, and encountered Ralph Sharick, the homeowner's 78 year old father in law. The pair bound Sharick, locked him in a closet, and shot him to death. They stole several musical instruments and guns in the robbery. O'Neal was captured a few days later and given a life sentence for the murder. During his time in prison, he joined the Aryan Brotherhood, and fatally stabbed a black inmate, 33 year old Arthur Dade, on the behalf on the local leadership. The motives for Dade's killing vary greatly on the source. Some claimed that he was murdered out of racism, while others asserted that it was over a drug trafficking related dispute.
18. Jeffrey Sloan (1985-1996, lethal injection): Sloan entered the bedroom of his parents, 41 year old Paul and 38 year old Judith, and shot them to death while they were in bed. He turned his attention towards his brothers, 18 year old Timothy and 9 year old Jason, and shot them dead in their rooms as well.
19. Doyle Williams (~1967-1996, lethal injection): In 1980, Williams and his partner shot and stabbed A. H. Domann, a 68 year old physician, while breaking into his office, and stole several prescription drugs. His partner's roommate, 28 year old Kerry Bummett, found the stolen drugs baring Domann's name, and the pair abducted her to eliminate a loose end. She was bound with handcuffs that Williams borrowed from a friend in the police force, taken to the Missouri river, and pistol whipped. Bummett jumped into the river in an attempt to escape, but ended up drowning in the process. William had several previous convictions for stealing cars and boats.
20. Emmett Nave (~1958-1996, lethal injection): In 1983, Nave shot his landlady, 53 year old Geneva Roling, dead after he knocked on her door. He then abducted his wife and forced her to drive him to a hospital. On arrival, Nave took 6 nurses hostage, and forced them to inject Demoral and Valium into his body. The kidnapped nurses were then taken to a house and raped. Most of them managed to escape, but Nave forced the remaining captive to administer more Demoral and Valium into him. Nave went unconscious from an overdose and was hospitalized after he was apprehended. He had a criminal record dating back to 1958, and many of his previous arrests include armed robbery, burglary, sexual assault, soliciting prostitutes, and joyriding.
21. Thomas Battle (~1979-1996, lethal injection): Battle and his brother-in-law's brother invaded the home of 80 year old Birdie Johnson and raped her. She was beaten and stabbed to death with a butcher knife. A year before Johnson's murder, Battle was fined for filing a false police report.
22. Richard Oxford (~1968-1996, lethal injection): Oxford and his cellmate escaped from the Conner Correctional Center in 1986, and kidnapped a married couple, 63 year old Harold and 57 year old Melba Wample, from their farm. The Wamples were missing for two months until the discovery of their bodies in a motel parking lot. Both of them had been bound and shot in the head. At the time of his escape and the murders, Oxford was serving a 85 year sentence for a rape and robbery spree, and had several previous convictions of burglary and theft that started when he was 11 years old.
23. Richard Zeitvogel (~1974-1996, lethal injection): While serving a combined total of 20 years in prison for rape and armed robbery, Zeitvogel assisted the above mentioned Guinan in killing John McBroom. He was given a life sentence for his part in the murder. A few years later, he fatally strangled his cellmate, 24 year old Gary Dew (who was also convicted of armed robbery), in their cell and was given the death penalty for it. Allegedly, Guinan and Zeitvogel were in a sexual relationship, and prosecutors believed that he murdered Dew to be placed on death row in a bid to be reunited with him.
24. Eric Schneider (1985-1997, lethal injection): Schneider and two accomplices broke into a home that two school teachers, 53 year old Richard Schwendemann and 55 year old Ronald Thompson, shared together. The homeowners were both bound with rope, wire, chains, and Christmas lights. Schwendemann was choked with a dog leash tied around his neck and shot twice in the head. Thompson suffered from 17 stab wounds in his neck, back, side, and head. A total of $1,800 in cash was stolen from their safe and car.
25. Ralph Feltrop (1987-1997, lethal injection): Feltrop got into an argument with his girlfriend, 27 year old Barbara Roam, in their home and stabbed her to death. He then cut off her head, hands, and legs from her body, and a foot from her one of her already dismembered legs, and tossed them into several garbage bags. In an attempt to dispose of Roam's remains, Feltrop dumped them into nearby ponds.
26. Donald Reese (1986-1997, lethal injection): Reese fatally shot four men, 38 year old Christopher Griffith, 54 year old James Watson, 57 year old John Burford, and Burford's 64 year old brother-in-law Donald Vanderlinden, at a shooting range. He took a total of $1,200 and all the victims' wallets from the scene.
27. Andrew Six (1984-1997, lethal injection): In Iowa, Six beat 41 year old Sarah Link, her 20 year son Justin Hook, and Hook's 19 year old fiance Tina Lade, to death with an unknown blunt instrument in their trailer. A few years later, Six and his uncle stormed a trailer that a pregnant 17 year old girl lived in with her family to rape her. They bound the target and her parents, and sexually assaulted her. The pair then abducted Kathy Allen, the target's cognitively disabled 13 year old sister, and slit their mother's throat in a failed attempt to kill her as they left. Allen was taken to Missouri, where she was repeatedly raped. Her throat was slit and and she was dumped in a ditch. Although Six was captured and sentenced to death for Allen's murder, the triple killings of Link, Hook, and Lade went unsolved until a DNA test in 2014, some 30 years after the murders and 16 years after Six's execution.
28. Samuel McDonald Jr. (~1960s-1997, lethal injection): McDonald held up 46 year old Robert Jordan at gunpoint while he was shopping with his 11 year old daughter. When Jordan pulled out his wallet, McDonald realized that he was a police officer, and shot him. Although he killed Jordan in the shooting, McDonald was wounded by his return fire. McDonald was captured after he was taken to the hospital by a friend. According a blogger that allegedly corresponded with McDonald on death row, he had killed an elderly woman and an infant in a village sweep during the Vietnam War, and lived as a petty criminal with several robbery convictions after his discharge from service.
29. Alan Bannister (~1980s-1997, lethal injection): Bannister accepted an offer for $4,000 by a man to kill 43 year old Darrell Ruetsman. The client wanted Ruetsman dead for running off with his wife. With the help of a piece of paper with Ruetsman's address, Bannister tracked his target to his trailer and shot him dead at his front door. At the time of the murder, Bannister was on parole for rape and armed robbery convictions.
30. Reginald Powell (1986-1998, lethal injection): Powell and his friends beat and stabbed two brothers, 39 year old Freddie and 29 year old Lee Miller, to death during a party. A total of $3 and a pack of cigarettes was stolen in the attack. Earlier that day, the Miller brothers had both refused to buy Powell and his friends (who were then below drinking age) alcohol for them. Powell had a conviction for receiving stolen property at the time of the murders.
31. Milton Griffin-El (1986-1998, lethal injection): Griffin-El went to an apartment to burglarize it. He tied up the residents, 22 year old Jerome Redden and his 19 year old girlfriend Loretta Trotter, and assaulted them in front of their 4 month old son. Trotter was fatally stabbed and Redden was bludgeoned to death with a wrench. Several electronics, including a stereo set and a television set, was stolen in the robbery.
32. Glennon Sweet (~1976-1998, lethal injection): In 1987, Sweet was pulled over by Russell Harper, a 45 year old officer, for speeding. Sweet opened fire on the officers as he climbed out of his truck, and killed Harper. He had several felonies and misdemeanors on his record, which included several charges of disturbing the peace, public intoxication, assault, drug possession, and theft.
33. Kelvin Malone (~1979-1999, lethal injection): Malone kidnapped at least 4 men and women, 62 year old William Parr, 55 year old Myrtle Benham, 51 year old Minnie White, and 39 year old James Rankin, in several robberies across California and Missouri. Most of his victims were shot in the head, but Benham was raped and beaten to death with a pipe. Belongings such as cars and credit cards were taken in the attacks. He was given a death sentence in both states, but chose to be incarcerated in California's San Quentin. Marlone was deported to Missouri when governor Mel Carnahan signed his death warrant. Beyond his murders, he was involved in several non fatal robbery abductions and robbed a judge at gunpoint in the man's own home.
34. James Rodden Jr. (1983-1999, lethal injection): Rodden got into a fight with his ex girlfriend on the phone, and threatened to have sex with Terry Trunnel, a 23 year old women he picked up from a bar, in an apparent attempt to make her jealous. After shouting more threats at his ex girlfriend, Rodden stabbed Trunnel and his roommate, 40 year old Joseph Arnold, to death. He then tried to burn their bodies in an attempt to destroy them.
35. Roy Roberts (~1970s-1999, lethal injection): In 1983, while serving an 18 year sentence for robbery, Roberts allegedly assisted in the stabbing death of Tom Jackson, a 62 year old correctional officer during a prison riot. His death sentence and execution was controversial due to wildly contradicting accounts from eyewitness testimonies. Some of the witnesses claimed to have seen him partaking in Jackson's murder, while others swore that they encountered Roberts in a different prison wing at the time of the murder. Roberts had other previous convictions such as theft and witness tampering at the time of the murder.
36. Roy Ramsey Jr. (1986-1999, lethal injection): Ramsay, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend held a couple, 65 year old Garrett and 63 year old Betty Ledford, at gunpoint after they opened their front door for them. The trio stole a combined total of $7,500 in cash, jewelry, silver coins, and guns, and shot both of the Ledfords dead. Ramsay had several previous robbery convictions, and sodomized a man during one of those incidents.
37. Ralph Davis (1986-1999, lethal injection): Davis shot his estranged wife, 35 year old Susan, to death in their car. Despite the fact that her body was never found, traces of Susan's blood and bone fragments were discovered in the vehicle. Furthermore, shotgun pellets were also recovered from the seats, and they matched to Davis' shotgun. He had a history of domestic abuse before the murder, and Susan's friends reported that Davis threatened to kill her when she filed for divorce.
38. Jessie Wise (1971-1999): In 1971, Wise ambushed 39 year old Ralph Gianino, and beat him to death with a pipe wrench. He then stole $26 from Gianino's wallet, and took his car on a joyride with the body still in the backseat. After Wise's capture, he was given a life sentence, but was paroled in 1983. A few years after his release, Wise went to the apartment of 49 year old Geraldine McDonald to discuss a job relating to washing her car. They got into an argument over money, and he beat her to death with a pipe wrench. Wise stole McDonald's credit cards, jewelry, and undisclosed amount of money. Some of the stolen jewelry was bartered for cocaine and the rest was given to his wife.
39. Bruce Kilgore (1979-1999, lethal injection): One of Kilgore's friends was fired from a restaurant after a coworker, 54 year old Marilyn Wilkins, reported him stealing food. Kilgore, the friend, and his friend then conspired a revenge scheme against Wilkins together. They accosted Wilkins in the restaurant's parking lot and dragged her into their car. During the abduction, Kilgore and his accomplices snatched her rings, slit her throat, and sold two of the stolen rings to a pawn shop. Kilgore had several robbery convictions prior to Wilkins' murder.
40. Robert Walls (1984-1999, lethal injection): Walls and two accomplices forced themselves inside the home of 88 year old Fred Hampton. They attacked Hampton, and broke several of his ribs and fractured his skull in a beating. Hampton was then stuffed alive in a freezer, and he succumbed to a combination of suffocation, hypothermia, and his injuries. The trio stole $100 and Hampton's car in the robbery. Walls had several robbery convictions prior to the murder.
41. David Leisure (~1980s-1999, lethal injection): Leisure, a Syrian immigrant, operated as an enforcer for the Leisure gang, a criminal syndicate under the rule of his cousins. During a gang war over the control of a labor union, he assassinated 75 year old James Michael Sr., a rival crime boss, with a car bomb.
42. James Hampton (~1950s-2000, lethal injection): Hampton abducted 58 year old Frances Keaton and her fiance Allen Mulholland in their own home. He bound them both and demanded $30,000 at gunpoint. After he detected the presence of arriving police officers with a police scanner, Hampton dragged Keaton to his car, and left Mulholland tied up alone in the house. Not wanting to be encumbered with a hostage while on the run, he beat Keaton to death with a hammer, buried her body, and burned her belongings. Hampton fled to New Jersey, and shot and killed 48 year old Christine Schurman during a botched kidnapping. He had spent most of his life in and out of prison for various crimes such as robbery, assault, and drug trafficking, and was first arrested at the age of 11.
43. Bert Hunter (~1963-2000, lethal injection): In 1968, Hunter shot and killed 64 year old John Lyle while robbing his tavern. He was given a life sentence for the murder, but was able to leave prison on parole in the 70s. After his release, Hunter partnered up with another ex convict, Tomas Ervin, for several robbery schemes. They invaded the home that 75 year old Mildred Hodges shared with her 49 year old son Richard. Hunter and Ervin bound the mother and son with duct tape, and ransacked the house for money. Despite their captives' desperate pleas for their lives, the pair suffocated them both with plastic bags. The pair then stole the Hodges' car and burned it in a motel parking lot. Hunter had several burglary arrests as a teenager.
44. Gary Roll (1992-2000, lethal injection): Roll and two other robbers tricked 47 year old Sherry Scheper into letting them inside her home by posing as police officers. They forced Sherry and her 17 year old son Randy to lie on the ground at gunpoint. After he shot Randy in the head, Roll beat Sherry to death with the butt of his gun. The trio also encountered Sherry's older son, 22 year old Curtis, and they fatally stabbed him during a scuffle. A total of $215 and some bags of marijuana were stolen in the robbery.
45. George Harris (~1982-2000, lethal injection): Harris entrusted his illegal submachine guns that he won in a crabs game to a friend for safe keeping. The friend then tasked his younger brothers with hiding the firearms, which they hid in the home of 20 year old Stanley Willoughby without telling him. When Harris returned to retrieve his guns, the friend redirected him to Willoughby's house. However, Willoughby had no clue of what Harris was talking about when he asked for his guns back. It quickly turned into a heated argument, and Harris shot and killed Willoughby out of anger. Years before he murdered Willoughby, Harris was arrested and convicted for armed robbery. He was also captured weeks after the killing while committing another armed robbery.
46. James Chambers (~1971-2000, lethal injection): Chambers struck 33 year old Jerry Oestricker in the head with his pistol and shot and killed him during a bar fight. He also had previous convictions of fraud, burglary, and attempted murder. The attempted murder conviction was for an incident involving him shooting a man in another bar fight.
47. Stanley Lingar (1985-2001, lethal injection): After Lingar lured 16 year old Thomas Allen into his jeep, he tried to force him to masturbate at gunpoint. When Allen was too terrified to obey, Lingar shot him. Allen survived the initial shooting, but he was finished off by a beating with a tire iron and Lingar running him over with the jeep. His execution was a source of minor controversy, as Lingar claimed that he was condemned solely for his sexuality.
48. Tomas Ervin (~1967-2001, lethal injection): In 1967, Ervin stabbed Robert Berry, a 36 year old cab driver, to death in a robbery, and was given a life sentence. After he was paroled in the 80s, he linked up with the above mentioned Bert Hunter, and assisted him in the robbery murders of Mildred and Richard Hodges.
49. Mose Young Jr. (1975-2001, lethal injection): Young fatally shot 3 pawn shop employees, 80 year old Sol Marks, 33 year old James Scneider, and 22 year old Kent Bicknese, after they refused to buy stolen jewelry from him. A fourth employee, who was also Mark's grandson, was injured in the shooting. He had a long criminal history, which included convictions for drug possession and first degree assault.

On this date in 1947, Jackie Robinson made his debut in a Brooklyn Dodgers uniform... in an exhibition game. The date became a historic footnote as Jackie made his major league debut four days later on Opening Day, and every year April 15 is celebrated throughout the major leagues as Jackie Robinson Day.
But April 11 became a historic date in its own right 19 years later, when Emmett Ashford became the first black umpire in major league history.
Known for wearing flashy jewelry, perfectly pressed suits, and his demonstrative calls, Emmett had been a popular minor league umpire for 15 years -- and 51 years old, just four years shy of the American League's mandatory retirement age for umpires -- when he finally got the call to the Show. Some said it was because of Ashford's flashy style, others because of his race.
In a way, Ashford was ahead of his time as an umpire whose name you knew, thanks to his distinct style and fashion sense. But there are stories about umpires doing "the Ump Show" as long as there's been professional baseball, with umpires calling out batters with overly enthusiastic calls, getting into player's faces, or even getting into brawls.
Love him or hate him, you always knew when Emmett Ashford was calling a game. On ball four, he would stretch out his hand toward first base as if inviting the batter in for tea: "Ball four, you may proceed to first base." On plays down the line, he would sprint -- he had ran track in high school -- to get a better view if it was fair or foul. And of course he had his trademark third strike call. "When he calls you out on a third strike," one player said, "you feel like he's sending you to the electric chair."
The Sporting News once said of Ashford:

"For the first time in the history of the grand old American game, baseball fans may buy a ticket to watch an umpire perform."

"He was a showman, exuberant, strong, alert, loud and expressive. He was constantly in motion, full of nervous energy and obviously delighted to be out there in front of everybody.” -- Paul Wysard
But his major league debut on April 11, 1966, was almost put on hold, thanks to the Secret Service! The game was being played at District of Columbia Stadium (it would be renamed R.F.K. Stadium in 1969), and Vice President Hubert Humphrey was in attendance to throw out the first pitch. Security was tight, and naturally the Secret Service was there.
Ashford tells the story:

“I had trouble getting into the stadium,” he told Larry Gerlach in a digitized interview in the Hall of Fame’s collection. “The Secret Service was out in force because Vice President Hubert Humphrey was going to throw out the first ball. They had set up command posts at all entrances to the parking lot and more where you went down underneath the stadium. I arrived with my wife in a cab. At the first stop the driver told the Secret Service agent, ‘I’ve got one of the umpires here.”
“Who are you trying to kid,” he said.
“That’s right, I’ve got one of the umpires.”
He said, “There are no Negro umpires in the major leagues.”
I said, “Well there will be a Negro umpire in the American League if you will let me into the park.”

Emmett Ashford reached age 55, the mandatory retirement age the American League had for umpires at the time, after the 1969 season. But he was given a one-year exemption so he could qualify for a pension. He called his final game in the 1970 World Series. He later became an adviser to Commissioner Bowie Kuhn and occasionally continued to umpire in the minor leagues. He died in 1980 at the age of 65, and his ashes are interred in Lake View Cemetery... in Cooperstown, New York!

Monday April 1

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Mercury Lounge	Stimmerman + CGI Jesus + Miss Ambivalent	9:30pm, $15
Our Wicked Lady	April Foolin' feat. Gal Fieri + Shadow Monster+ LEONE + Lost Children & Other Problems	8pm, $15

Tuesday April 2

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Steel	Arlo Parks + Chloe George	8pm, SOLD OUT

Wednesday April 3

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	The Vices + Jet Daisy + Two-Man Giant Squid	7pm, $15
Main Drag	Locations x Anthony & Sons Sandwiches Residency feat. Monarch + Locations + Tula Vera	8pm, $25 (+ free sandwiches from Anthony's at 7pm)
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part One	8pm, SOLD OUT
Trans-Pecos	Sorry Darling + Drummers Can Achieve + Endearments + Little Hag	7:30pm, $15

Thursday April 4

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Aux Blood + Tough Cuffs + Gun	8:30pm, $15
Bowery Ballroom	Conor Oberst & friends	8pm, SOLD OUT
The Broadway	Tula Vera + Drook + Cohort B	9pm, $15
Gold Sounds	T!LT + Jenny Alien + Beeyotch + Femcel + Secret	8pm, $15
Our Wicked Lady	Night Spins + The Dracu-Las EP release show + The Knight Shades	8pm, $15
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part two	8pm, $70+

Friday April 5

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Made	The Bouncing Souls performing Volume 2 acoustic + Vinnie Caruana of Movielife & I Am The Avalanche	8pm, $50
Brooklyn Steel	Caroline Rose + Metropolis Ensemble + La Force	8pm, $30
Madison Square Garden	Olivia Rodrigo + The Breeders	7:30pm, SOLD OUT
Our Wicked Lady	Living Room + Onesie + Awful Din + Kief Shuvel	8pm, $15
Purgatory	SKORTS single release show + Theophobia + Jelly Kelly	8pm, $15
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part One	8pm, $70+
The Broadway	Dead Tooth + Big Girl + Edging	11:30pm, $15

Saturday April 6

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Mulva Bitter Form record release show + Lost Boy ? + Sun Organ + Anna Altman	8:30pm, $15
The Broadway	Shybaby Is This Intimate record release show + High Waisted + Homemade	8pm, $15
Brooklyn Bowl	Too Many Zooz	8pm, SOLD OUT
Madison Square Garden	Olivia Rodrigo + The Breeders	7:30pm, SOLD OUT
Aboard the The Liberty Belle via Skyport Marina	Rocks Off Cruises presents The Bouncing Souls performing Hopeless Romantic and The Gold Record	Boat leaves at 7pm, $60
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part two	8pm, $70+
Union Pool	Clearbody + Only Sibling + Capillary + Magic Toy	7pm, $15

Sunday April 7

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Palladium Times Square	Adam Ant + The English Beat	8pm, $75+
Aboard the The Liberty Belle via Skyport Marina	Rocks Off Cruises presents The Bouncing Souls performing Summer Vacation and Anchors Aweigh	Boat leaves at 7pm, $60
Trans-Pecos	A Country Western + Buff Ginger + Crate + Kettle	7:30pm, $15

Monday April 8

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Madison Square Garden	Olivia Rodrigo + The Breeders	7:30pm, SOLD OUT

Tuesday April 9

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Made	Remo Drive + Wilt + Wormy	8pm, $20
Madison Square Garden	Olivia Rodrigo + The Breeders	7:30pm, SOLD OUT

Wednesday April 10

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bar Freda	Red Tank! + Holy Wisdom LLC + Cometa Negra + Warphole	8pm, $10
Berlin	Fraternal Twin + Durian Silo + To the Wedding	8pm, $10
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part One	8pm, $70+

Thursday April 11

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Don Pardo + DADsingle release show + Shiverboard + Sleepwell	8:30pm, $15
Berlin	Navel Grazr Elegies EP release show + Castle Black + The Planes + Awksymoron	7:30pm, $12
Bowery Ballroom	Conor Oberst & friends	8pm, SOLD OUT
Brooklyn Bowl	Marco Benevento + Ghost Funk Orchestra	8pm, SOLD OUT
Brooklyn Paramount	Liam Gallagher + John Squire	8pm, SOLD OUT
Our Wicked Lady	To the Wedding + Rat Palace + Boyscoutmarie + Genre is Death	8pm, $15
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part Two	8pm, $70+

Friday April 12

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Acid Tongue Acid on the Dance Floor record release show + Dion Lunadon + Namesake	8:30pm, $20
Baby's All Right	Bodega Our Brand Could Be Yr Life record release show + Consumables	8pm, $15
East Williamsburg Econolodge	The Upstart Crows + Hippocrisis + The Human Fund + Cheap City	9pm, $10
Heaven Can Wait	Casa Gogol Records presents Puzzled Panther Debut EP release show + Bubbles	9:30pm, $10
Main Drag	Desert Sharks + Warm Body + Short Porch + Shrug Dealer	8pm, $15
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part One	8pm, $70+
Trans-Pecos	Wince + Ben Special + Prude + Libby Quinn	7:30pm, $15

Saturday April 13

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Upper Wilds + Vulture Feather + Parlor Walls + Cyanide Tooth	6:30pm, $15
The Broadway	Tour kick-off show feat. Balaclava + Valley Gals + Tetchy + Le Bang	8:30pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	Descendants + Circle Jerks + Adolescents	8pm, SOLD OUT
Gold Sounds	Lockstep + Doused + Mx Lonely + Buff Ginger + Bloodsports	8pm, $15
Town Hall	The Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs 25th Anniversary - Part Two	8pm, $70+
Trans-Pecos	Marcyline + Bedridden + Golder + Retail Drugs	7:30pm,
ALPHAVILLE	Quickies anniversary party feat. S.C.A.B. + Jewelry	10pm, $25

Sunday April 14

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Paramount	PinkPantheress + Bktherula + Adolescents	8pm, SOLD OUT
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	Shred Flintstone + Cronies + Big Stink	8:30pm, $15
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Sir Chloe + Pile + Daffo	8pm, $20
TV EYE	A Beacon School + First Umpire	8pm, $17

Monday April 15

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Baby's All Right	Mei Semones + John Roseboro + Nebulous Quarter	7pm, $15
Brooklyn Paramount	PinkPantheress + Bktherula + Adolescents	8pm, SOLD OUT

Tuesday April 16

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Rough Trade	Bodega performance + signing	6pm, FREE

Wednesday April 17

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Elsewhere - Hall	Still Corners + Emmett Kai	8:30pm, $25

Thursday April 18

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Berlin	Spite Fuxxx + Nuclear Family Fantasy + Gal Fieri + Lizzy Young	7:30pm, $10
Bowery Ballroom	Conor Oberst & friends	8pm, SOLD OUT
Brooklyn Steel	STRFKR + Ruth Radelet + Happy Sad Face	8pm, $50
Kings Theatre	Snarky Puppy + Silvana Estrada + Sílvia Pérez Cruz + Gaby Moreno & Fuensanta	8pm, $45
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	Psymon Spine + Namesake + Willy Mason + Tea Eater + Abby Jeanne	7:30pm, $15
Nublu	Garcia Peoples + Weak Signal	8pm, $20
Purgatory	Earth Day benefit for Prospect Park Alliance feat. Low Presh + A Very Special Episode + Phantom Signals	8:30pm, $12
Rubulad	Lukka + Couvo + Kira Metcalf + Wetsuit	8pm, $15
Sleepwalk	SOTVO + Iceblynk + Weird Magazine	8pm, $15
Sundown	Gabby's World + Kolezanka (solo) + Majorette	8pm, $12
Webster Hall	Real Estate + Marina Allen	8pm, $35

Friday April 19

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	BandsDoBK presents O. Wake + Sunglaciers + Smith Taylor + Sam Zalta	8:30pm, $15
Bar Freda	Brook Pridemore + Ace Bandage + Kung Fu Crime Wave + Milk St + Aisle Knot	8pm, $10
Bowery Ballroom	METZ + Gouge Away	9pm, $30
The Broadway	Dark Tea record release show + Starcleaner Reunion + Blums + Shallowhalo (solo)	8pm, $12
Brooklyn Made	Castle Rat record release show + Tower + Killer Kin	8pm, $20
Brooklyn Steel	Cypress Hill + The Pharcyde + Souls of Mischief	8pm, $75
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	titsdickass + Femcel + Suburban Speed + Gargoyle	7:30pm, $15
The Sultan Room	Soft Blue Shimmer + Keep + Juno Roome + Trembler	7:30pm, $15
Trans-Pecos	Dog Date + Venus Twins + Bog Imp + Cutie	7:30pm, $12
TV EYE	SYNTHICIDE presents CD Ghost + Arverne	midnight, $15

Saturday April 20🌳🌿🍀

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Rockefeller Center	Rough Trade presents INDIEPLAZA feat. Dehd + Armand Hammer + Nancy Whang + Cloud Nothings + Water From Your Eyes + Glitterer + Snõõper + Sunny War + Wishy + Sunrisa Disco	12pm, FREE
148 Frost Street	Barran Designs x Hella Sketchy present Sounds of the Underground feat. Added Color + Tetchy + Tula Vera + Tilt + Nihiloceros + Femcel + The Bum Babies + Fruit Dawg + Abbie Roper + Tuff Luck + Razurtung + Autumn Estate + Ghosts of Hope	1pm, $20
The Broadway	Bored Friends Ent. presents Ridgeway + Gollylagging + Walk Me Home + Only Sibling + Bedridden	7:30pm, $15
The Brooklyn Monarch	Arm's Length + Carly Cosgrove + Ben Quad + saturday's at your place	6pm, $20
Elsewhere - Zone One	Kaleida + Phantom Handshakes	8pm, $20
Elsewhere - Hall	Earthless + Minami Deutsch	8pm, $25
Mercury Lounge	Fastball + Washer	9:30pm, $30
Our Wicked Lady	The Greener Room presents 420 ExtravaGANJA feat. Tony & The Kiki + Pinc Louds + P.H.0	8pm, $20
TV EYE	Dead Broke Rekerds Showcase feat. Iron Chic + Toys That Kill + Somerset Thrower + Low Culture + Canadian Rifle + Ezra Cohen & The Big City Band + Busy Weather + Cigarette Camp + Chilton + Radar	5pm, $35
Union Pool	Work Wife Waste Management EP release show + Closebye + Stalling	8pm, $15
Warsaw	Drop Nineteens + Greg Mendez	8pm, $30 Postponed from 10/13/23
The Broadway	UV-TV + True Body + LAL	midnight, $20

Sunday April 21

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Steel	STRFKR + Ruth Radelet + Happy Sad Face	8pm, $50
Purgatory	Clown Sounds + Heavy Lag + Sub Rosa + 300 USD live debut	8:30pm, $15
TV EYE	Restorations self-titled record release show + Signals Midwest	8pm, $22
Union Pool	Fair Visions single release show + Whenwolves + Bold Doses	8pm, $15
Webster Hall	Atmosphere + HEBL + NOFUN	8pm, $40

Monday April 22

None.

Tuesday April 23

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Augustana Something Beautiful tour + Valley Boy	8pm, $25
Elsewhere - Hall	Mandy, Indiana + Mary Jane Dunphe	8pm, $25
Aboard (some boat) via Skyport Marina	Rocks Off Concert Cruises and Scenic present Weedeaster + Telekinetic Yetiw	Boat leaves at 8pm,

Wednesday April 24

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Brooklyn Paramount	Black Country, New Roads + Horsegirl	8pm, $35
Mama Tried	Autopolitan (mbrs of Cloud Nothings) + Sam Zalta	8pm, FREE
Our Wicked Lady	Arlo Indigo + Debbie Dopamine + Go Home + Emily Jeanne Brown	8pm, $15
Purgatory	The Grasping Straws + Summer Like The Season + Maya Lucia + Trash Moth	8pm, $15
Radio City Music Hall	girl in red + Momma	8pm, $60+ (but very cheap via 3rd party resale)
TV EYE	President Evil + Heavy Halo + Kill Alters (solo) + Pain Annihilator	8pm, $12
Webster Hall	Helado Negero + Marem Ladson	8pm, $25

Thursday April 25

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Conor Oberst & friends	8pm, SOLD OUT
The Broadway	Echo + Glimmer + Nara's Room	9pm, $15
Our Wicked Lady	Ilithios Every Bird Ever record release show + Jelly Kelly + Kissed By An Animal	8pm, $15
TV EYE	The Lemon Twigs	8pm, SOLD OUT
Baby's All Right	Gooseberry + Mary Shelley + Bend	10pm, $15

Friday April 26

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
ALPHAVILLE	Kal Marks + Grocer + Big Girl + Nicola Leel	8:30pm, $15
Baby's All Right	Pan Arcadia + Two-Man Giant Squid + Pons	7:30pm, $15
Bar Freda	Cheap Death + Better Plastic + Foreign Body + Warclouds	8:30pm, $10
Bowery Ballroom	Wine Lips + Bad Nervves	9pm, $30
The Broadway	Joudy + SORRYNOTSORRY + Sunshine Spazz + Arkane	8pm, $15
Heaven Can Wait	Crazy and the Brains w/ special guests	8pm, $10
Locker Room	TVOD + Balaclava + First Sex	9pm, $15
Market Hotel	Alex Orange Drink w/ special guests	7:30pm, $20
The Meadows	The Kingsland presents Trophy Eyes + Rarity	7pm, $20
Mercury Lounge	Taraneh + Scarlet Rae + Prints	9:30pm, $17
Our Wicked Lady	Vacation + Substitute + Golden Clouds + ¡Vamanos!	8pm, $15
Warsaw	Spanish Love Songs + Oso Oso	7pm, $30

Saturday April 27

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Tompkins Square Park	A Benefit for Jesse Malin feat. Gogol Bordello + Madball + Murphy's Law + The Capturers + more	2pm, FREE
The Broadway	Emperor X + ok, cuddle + Patiently	8pm, SOLD OUT
Brooklyn Paramount	Waxahatchee + Good Morning	7pm, SOLD OUT
Knitting Factory @ Baker Falls	Enumclaw + Graham Hunt + She's Green	8:30pm, $20
Market Hotel	Meatbodies + Population II	8pm, $20
Mercury Lounge	Meds Night Vol. 1 record release show + Sean Spada & the Dopplegangers + Safe Houses	6:30pm, $12
Trans-Pecos	Baby's All Right presents Joyer record release show + Punchlove + Pulsr + Hiding Places	7:30pm, $15
Union Pool	Velvet Vaughan + Gorgeous + Raisalka + The Invisible College	8pm, $15
Warsaw	Bratmobile + Downtown Boys + cumgirl8	8pm, SOLD OUT

Sunday April 28

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Gold Sounds	titsdickass (TDA) + Adult Human Females	8pm, $15
Mama Tried	Sorry Darling + The Blackburns + Early Riser	5pm, FREE
Music Hall of Williamsburg	Teenage Fanclub + Euros Childs	8pm, $35
Our Wicked Lady	Silent Mass + The Shining Hours + Scarlett Taylor + The Telling Time	8pm, $15
Union Pool	Tali Luna + Sludge Bunny + Debbie Dopamine + Dumpstepink	8pm, $15

Monday April 29

VENUE	EVENT / LINE-UP	TIME / DOOR PRICE
Bowery Ballroom	Wisp + Photographic Memory	8pm, SOLD OUT
Webster Hall	Ty Segall + Kamikaze Palm Tree	8pm, $35

Tuesday April 30

None.
^{last updated April 23 at 1:19am}

This is a list of nicknames and phrases often used on this sub. This list will be updated as I think of things.
Baby Schlomo: Aaron Goldhammer's daughter, Stella.
Band: Intentional misspelling of the word "banned." The first time it was spelled like that was not intentional, but members thought it was funny, so it became part of our lingo.
Banana Slug: Eric Williams
BBMF! : Bring Back Matt Fontana!
Bee Jizz: Joebees. Sometimes bee semen, wasp semen, and often simply "the product." Rizzo once aggressively yelled at his radio audience to "try the damn product already" during a live testimonial.
Befferd (also Beffert): How Emmett says "Bedford."
Big Al: Aaron's pleasantly plump wife Allison.
BoLme : Mike Bohm
BoLth: How Matt Fontana says "both."
Brian: Bridget Linton. Because her somewhat masculine voice has prompted members to question her gender.
BTM: Big Time Mod. Originally TravisF50
Bull garbage: Something Matt Fontana says.
Caillou : KevAn Arnold
Chaz: Mike Rizzo. Because of his effeminate appearance.
Ching chong bing bong: Rizzo's racist imitation of how Chinese people talk.
Climaxxx: Jordan Klimack
Clink clank clunk: Onomatopoeia for empty jugs of Carlo Rossi wine clinking together. It is theorized that Rizzo empties multiple jugs per night. This theory is based on Italian stereotypes and the belief that Rizzo is a functioning alcoholic.
Coacher: How J'rod says "culture."
Cocaine Bear: Andre Knott.
Combo: Matt Fontana says combo when he means "combine"
Dijon: Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson.
Disbarge: intentional misspelling of "disparage."
DOLT: Clever rearrangement of TLOD (The Land on Demand)
Dong Pic Dusty: Dustin Fox. Also Dick Pic Dusty and Dusty DMs.
Dying Robot: Jordan Klimack
Easy E: Eric williams
Erin: Aaron Goldhammer.
Fale: Dale Davison/Whitten
Fatt (Montana): Matt Fontana
Fishins Amberlamps: How Matt Fontana said "Physicians Ambulance"
Fishmang: Matt Fishman (former PD)
Gerard: J'rod Cherry. Because people often mispronounce his name.
Giddit: How Matt Fontana says "get it."
Git: How Matt says "get."
Goal Kart Credit: Go Car Credit (I think?) A fly-by-night used car lot that was once a sponsor on wknr. Members spell/say it this way to mock Matt Fontana, who used to do their testimonials.
Goldshower: Aaron Goldhammer
Gremlin: Aaron Goldhammer. Because he is ugly... like a gremlin.
Gumz: Craig Karmazin. Because of his pronounced gums
Hawt: 1. Erin used to ask Rizzo (the old man in the room) about female celebrities who passed away if they were hot. He did it in an extremely creepy-sounding voice. Like "Was she hawt?" 2 Many members have started spelling words that have a short o sound in them with "aw" as a way to mock Chris "Nutsack" Oldach and his thick, yinzer accent.
Herb: Danny Cunningham. He once pronounced the word herb (pronounced "urb") with a hard H in a Little Caesars commercial.
-hFt: how Fatt talks. This was invented by u/Edwin_Landmast
Ian A. Chase Hardware: How Matt Fontana says "E&H Ace Hardware"
J10: Shortened from "jealous 10." WKNR used to refer to us as "ten jealous haters." (Sometimes ten jealous bastards)
Jawsh: Josh Bookman, the Son in Bookman & Son Fine Jewelry
Jumpin up and down and shit: Ambiguously, racist phrase originally used on this sub to describe Rxxtar, Emmett's eldest son, performing his rap routine. The phrase has been expanded to describe any scenario in which somebody is acting a fool.
Kaaron: Aaron Goldhammer. (Sometimes "FuckFaceKaaron: Kaaron")
KGB: Clever rearrangement of GKB (Good Karma Brands)
KMR: "Killer" Mike Rizzo
Kyna: How Matt Fontana says " kind of."
Little Tina: Rizzo's Amish cleaning girl. "She's so cute!"
Lizard: Tony Rizzo
Made man: Tony Rizzo. He referred to himself as such that day.He was randomly irrationally angry that Joe Thomas was entering the world of media.
Mangled dick nose: Aaron Goldhammer. Because.... self explanatory. (Also mangled penis nose)
Mutt: Emmett Golden. Sometimes "Mutt, the gut."
No cap: Something Rizzo has added to tweets for reasons known only to him.
Nutsack: Chris Oldach. aka Paw
Octopus Head : Karon Crowley
Paw: Chris Oldach. aka Nutsack
PawLESS: Nick Paulus. This refers to Paulus eventually losing a foot to diabeatus because of his morbid obesity.
Pizza: Tony Rizzo. This one goes back to the introduction of TLOD, he signed his name, and somebody commented that the o in "Rizzo" looked like an a.
PPP: Mike Rizzo. (Personal Pan Pizza)
Retard: (also "retarded") It is generally considered offensive anf politically incorrect to use this word in everyday conversation, but Rizzo has used it on his radio show multiple times. Thus, members of this sub started using it in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way to mock Rizzo.
Rick-roll(ed): Rizzol has used this incorrectly many times, so now we use it incorrectly (ntentionally) to mock Rizzo.
Rizzy Special: domestic violence against a spouse. Usually against a female, but not necessarily.
Rxxtar: Emmett Golden's eldest son, the rapper
Sanding the banister: A euphemism for performing a hand job, either on oneself or another person.
Scammer: Aaron Goldhammer. Another appropriate nickname.
Sissy: Aaron Goldhammer. Because he is a sissy.
Skippy: Browns "reporter" Tony Grossi. There is a long-running joke of unknown origin that describes Grossi spreading peanut butter on his privates and allowing his dogs to lick it off.
Snacks: Nick Paulus. I believe this one started as a typo, but it was so perfect.You know, because he's fat and eats a lot of snacks.
Sniff: (often spelled with additional f's, like sniffff!) The odd physical reaction a coked up lizard (Rizzo) exhibits to follow a spew of obvious bullshit boasting about himself, but now used by any of us to follow a simple comment about perhaps a nice restaurant or vacation, or winning a bet.
Terry: Tony Rizzo. (Also "Terry Pizza")
Toast: Emmett Golden's youngest son, the HS football DB who often gets toasted by superior athletes.
Tready: How Rizzo says :treadmill" (also "t-mill")
Welfare Dale: Dale Davison/Whitten
Whappp: To hit, punch, slap or otherwise strike another person with intent to hurt him/her.
Wifebeater: Tony Rizzo. In 2013 Rizzo's 2nd wife Catherine locked herself in their bathroom and called 911 to teport her "very irate" husband for choking her and hitting her face. Rizzo was arrested and spent the weekend in jail. He eventually pleaded no-contest to a reduced charge of persistent disorderly conduct. A fourth-degree misdemeanor, which required no additional jail time. Rizzo is sensitive about this and refuses to properly address it on-the-air. A few callers have referenced it, and Rizzo denies, lies, and ignores the subject. This sensitivity has led to the cessation of live phone calls on the show.

A few days ago this post appeared here. There are three separate claims made in the post:

1. Notorious bank and train robber Sam Bass hid his stolen loot 2 miles from Round Rock. It has never been found.
   
2. Comanches robbed a silver-carrying pack mule train in the early 1920s, hid the loot, and no one ever claimed to have found it.
   
3. An unclaimed "$3 million" dollars (in what form?) is buried five feet deep next to an oak tree with eagle wings carved into it, somewhere near the mouth of Shoal Creek where it empties into the Colorado River.
   

Others in the thread pointed out how 1920 was far too late for Comanche raids on a pack mule train. So there's that. There might be a small kernel of truth to any or all three of these stories, but I don't know where, what, or who the source of the claims comes from. In my experience, most legendary treasure stories in Austin fall into three categories:

1. Some stories involve Sam Bass and/or members of his gang hiding ill-gotten gains from bank and train robberies. There are dozens of theories about where Sam's loot was hidden by members of his gang after his death in 1878. Later newspaper accounts claim the majority of it was found 90-100 years ago.
   
2. Other stories involve the missing funds from the Great Treasury Robbery of 1865 (which has nothing to do with Sam Bass). There was a law enforcement chase on horseback, with the thieves dropping a trail of gold and/or silver coins stretching from downtown all the way to the Mount Bonnell. The bulk of the money ($17000+ in gold and silver coins) was supposed to have been hidden somewhere in this area and never found.
   
3. Older, fuzzy legends about a Spanish or Mexican mule train transporting gold and/or silver through this area in a time before white settlement, which was ambushed by natives and the loot buried and forgotten by a lone survivor. Some variations of this tale have the survivoescaper bury the loot somewhere in the banks of Shoal Creek. In the 1890s this legend was told by hornswagglers and con artists in local saloons looking to take financial advantage of gullible newcomers and treasure seekers by selling them made-up treasure maps, or defective or useless mining equipment. Dozens of people are said to have staked "claims" in the area where Pease Park is today.
   

I guess there could also be a fourth "other" category, which doesn't have anything to do with any of the above claims. Actually that reminds me how I've been meaning to share one of those "other" treasure tales with y'all ; I reckon I might as well do it today and then y'all can decide for yourselves if it has anything to do with the above legends. This story is about a little known cave in Rollingwood called The Bandit Cave. Have you ever heard of it? Let me tell you right now. You will not get into Bandit Cave today. The door is hidden in plain sight in the middle of a residential neighborhood, surrounded by houses. The main entrance has been sealed with a hingeless, welded iron door since 1988. At one time in the mid 20th century it was apparently quite a tourist attraction. Before that the history is murky. So lets start in the beginning.
Quoting now from page 9 of a book called Eanes: Portrait of a Community

Just when the Tonkawan people entered central Texas is unknown but ancient Tonkawa remnants have been found at sites all along the Balcones Escarpment, including some in the Eanes area. Where St. Stephen's School is now located there was once a large Indian campground. Archeologists also know that many of the caves in Eanes were once used by Indians.
One such cave, Bandit Cave, on the old Dellana ranch, now present-day Rollingwood, was used by Indians for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Human bones found in the cave were carbon dated to about 500 A.D. Scientists also found a bear skeleton in the cave. Several Indian mounds were also on the old Dellana ranch.
Charlie Dellana, Jr., remembers that when he and his brother were children they found so many arrowheads that they sold cigar boxes full of them for 35 a box. Dellana also recalls that archeologists from the University of Texas inspected many sites on the ranch. Cecil Johnson, Sr., who also grew up in Eanes, owns a collection of arrowheads and dart points which he found on the Marshall ranch and along the banks of Smith (Dry) Creek. George Nalle, Ill, who grew up in Eanes in the 1940s and 50s, recalls that even then there were plenty of arrowheads to be found. He amassed quite a collection.
In December, 1984, the skeletal remains of an Indian woman were unearthed by a utility construction crew working on Westlake Drive. The bones were sent to the Texas Archeological Research Laboratory for analysis.
Smith Creek was apparently a favorite Indian campsite and the Indians made arrowheads from flint rock which lies along the creek's banks. The Indians no doubt used the springs which lie on the old Marshall ranch and form the headwaters of the creek. Also, on the premises of present-day Eanes Elementary School the Indians used to camp.
There was at that site a large concave rock which they used to grind acorns into meal. This same rock was used by the later Anglo pioneers who settled in the area. Unfortunately, the rock was destroyed when the school building was built. The Tonkawas have left not only their physical marks on the land but their spiritual marks on the area as well.
The Tonkawas were a fascinating tribe. They hunted, fished and gathered herbs, roots, fruits, berries and acorns. Their main- stay was the buffalo, but the deer was also hunted and ranked next to the buffalo in economic importance. Tipis, clothing, weapons, ropes, utensils, tools and food all came from these animals. They used deerskins as a medium of exchange. "The dressed skins were in great demand among the white settlers ... a certain trader received 1,000 deerskins from the Tonkawas in one year . .. The wolf (and coyote) were not hunted, for the Tonkawa believed that they had been brought into the world by these animals or were even descended from them ... They believed that if they killed a coyote or a wolf they would become ill and also would be unable to track down their enemies." The wolf and coyote were seen as quick and clever and helpful to man.
...

skipping ahead to page 15:

In the mid-1850s a census showed that Travis County had approximately 6,000 white citizens, 2,063 Negro slaves, 3,745 horses and 17,906 head of cattle. The average price of an acre of land was $1.28 and the county generated $345.50 in poll taxes, $5,366.85 in state taxes and $6,805.41 in county taxes.
Eanes, still isolated by the river, there were no bridges, and by its own rugged terrain, continued to lie outside the con- fines of civilization, although here and there a stranger passed through it or a brave vaquero dared to run a few cows in among its cedar brakes and limestone canyons. During those years Eanes became known as a hideout for renegades and others who lived on the fringes of the law. Even the law itself took to the hills on occasion.
Ben Thompson, the flamboyant and notorious gambler who served as Austin's city marshal, frequently escaped to Eanes' hills to wait for personal problems to "blow over". In the 1950s Emmett Shelton, Sr., who was building roads in the City of West Lake Hills, found an 1852 gold piece near present-day Terrace Mountain Drive. Shelton speculates that perhaps Thompson lost the coin during one of his "disappearances" into the hills.'
In 1875 the notorious gunman John Wesley Hardin hid out in the hills west of Austin. Both Thompson and Hardin died violent deaths, Thompson in a gun battle in 1884 in San Antonio's Vaudeville Theatre and Hardin in 1895 in El Paso in a run-in with the local constable. Legend has it that Bandit's Cave, an ancient Indian cave in present-day Rollingwood, was well known to outlaws. One story relates that about 1860 the state treasury was robbed of $17,000 and that the robbers made fast tracks over to Eanes and hid out in the cave, hence its name, Bandit.
Spelunkers think the cave is connected in some way with Austin Cavern, which is located across the river, near Scenic Drive. If this is true then the connecting tunnel would have to bypass the aquifer somehow, because the underground river is very close to the streambed of the Colorado River. Regardless, it still makes entertaining speculation to think that early-day outlaws carried on their mischief in Austin and then went underground, only to reappear safe and sound, out in Eanes' hills.
In addition to Thompson and Hardin, other more notable figures lived in Austin at one time, including the writer O. Henry and the soldiers George Armstrong Custer and Robert E. Lee. During the 1850s Lee served under Albert Sidney Johnson and commanded the 2nd U.S. Cavalry in Texas. On several occasions Lee and his troops camped at Barton Springs on their marches from San Antonio to the Edwards Plateau in pursuit of Indians. The road Lee and the cavalry used, which lies just east of the Springs, still bears Lee's name. Custer came to Austin after the Civil War as part of the army of occupation.
...
It is known that during the war the Confederacy manufactured gunpowder in the Eanes' area. Lead, which was mined from veins of red iron ore found along Barton Creek's cliffs, was combined with nitrate, which was leached out of bat guano found in Eanes' bat caves. One site where the guano-nitrate-iron mixture was processed was about where Barton Creek Mall is now located. It is fun to contemplate that Rebs and Yanks kept wary eyes open and on the lookout for each other as they went about their separate businesses in the hills.
Despite Eanes periodic use by hermits, outlaws, gunrunners, powder manufacturers, and assorted other types of renegades, it still had no permanent settlers. But that changed once the Civil War was over.
...

So from that we can see how the western part of Travis County was untamed wilderness from the time of the first nomadic humans in the region thousands of years ago until it became a refuge for outlaws and renegades in the 1850s and early 1860s. Few people were putting down roots in the West Lake Hills/Rollingwood area until after the Civil War. The Dellana Ranch once covered the area where Rollingwood is today, where the cave has always been. It isn't said when the native american remains and the bear skeleton were found in the cave but I think we are to presume it happened during this period. I wonder where those things ended up. I'd like to think it's in the Texas Memorial Museum today but UT wasn't really a thing until 1883 and the museum didn't come about until the 1930s.
It's very interesting the mention in the book about the "treasury robbery in 1860", as it says. Surely they are talking about the robbery after the civil war, right? The whole story was how the Confederacy was collapsing and how thieves were taking advatange of the governmental vacuum to rob the State Treasury. I don't know of any treasury robberies in 1860, before the war, but then, the book gets even weirder with the theory about the connection between Bandit Cave and the Austin Cavern/Austin Cave on the other side of the river near Deep Eddy. I have shared a story or two about that before here, but I didn't think to explore the connection between the two caves back then.
I found an old Statesman article from 1952 that sheds some light on this theory:

UT Students Explore Cave of Mystery
How much truth is there in the century-old legend that Austin is situated, prhaps somewhat precariously, over a labyrinth of passageways constituting a "lost cavern"?
The cavern purportedly is an extension of Austin Cave, a little known subterranean passage which begins in an abandoned limestone quarry near the lake, in a residential section of west Austin.
Through the years have come many wild tales concerning the city's underground mystery. There is, for instance, the story of the boys who went back in the cave to a point under Congress Avenue. They could hear, they declared, the noise of streetcars rumbling overhead. Somewhere in the city is a wall built, allegedly, of bricks found in a cave near here.
A fraternity pledge at the University of Texas once was left overnight in the cave; he returned next day with a weird tale of having wandered for hours in an apparently endless maze of tunnels, encountering waterfalls and deep lakes.
In the annals of unofficial history are eerie accounts of frontier-day bandits who frequently held up coaches at a river crossing near the present site of Tom Miller dam. Both bandits and loot always managed to vanish from sight immediately after the theft. As a modern follow-up to this story, recently a bulldozer broke into thte mouth of a cave in Rollingwood, near the place of the early robberies. In the cave was found a cache containing furniture and other items of value, most of them in advanced stage of decay. And so the stories, and the speculation, grow and grow.
Is there any evidence to support the theory that a cavern does, indeed, stretch out in a network of arteries underneath Austin? Do its branches extend, as one favorite legend has it, westward toward Lake Austin, eastward under the center of the city to the University, and northward to a point somewhere near Mount Bonnell? The University Speleological Society, a group of students interested in the study of caves was intrigued by Austin's underground mystery, and determined to investigate it. Altogether, members of the organization spent a total of more than 50 hours in Austin Cave exploring, mapping and photographing. Their findings may shed new light on an old myth.

So they found rotten furniture in Bandit Cave when a previously forgotten entrance was reopened with a bulldozer in the 1950s. No mention of human bones or bear skeletons. It's hard to imagine how these two caves could be connected in a dry passage that doesn't go literally inside the aquifer underneath the Colorado River, but apparently that was one theory of how bad guys escaped from the law back then.
Another article from later in 1952 tells us a local couple planned to use the cave as a natural air conditioner for their house:

Pair To Use Cave Wind To Air Condition Home
An Austin couple who traded a mountain top for a romantic hole in the ground hope eventually to use cool cave breezes to air condition a home. Dr. and Mrs. L. L. Amend recently traded land atop a hill overlooking Lake Austin for a former bandit cave in Rollingwood. The cave, still largely unexplored, is thought to have 12 rooms.
About the time of the Civil War, the legends say. it was used as a hideout by bandits who robbed travelers crossing an old Colorado River ford near Deep Eddy. Long unused, the old cave was rediscovered at Riley Road and Pickwick Lane some time ago by a bulldozer operator who was clearing land. His dozer blade uncovered part of an old entrance. Later a man-made entrance was found which the bandits were said to have dug as an escape route.
Size of the cave was revealed when the drill bit of a well digger working some distance from the entrance dropped about 15 feet after it entered one of the rooms. A strong flow of cool air came out of the well and water poured into the hole was blown back. Circulation from the underground rooms averages 68 degrees in temperature most of the time, Dr. Amend found. He began thinking of building a house over the cave to use the cool breezes for inexpensive air conditioning. Also he invited civil defense authorities to use the cave for an air raid shelter. They are studying it.
Mrs. Amend's imagination, which had helped her In a well-known hat designing career in Maine, turned to the cave when she came to Texas with her husband. She studied underground structures, fossils, and rock formations and became so interested she wants to make the cave show place. She found that bone dug up in the cave is a tooth of a prehistoric elephant. Her prize exhibit in the cave is a partially petrified tree trunk. The outside is already stone, but the core still has wood characteristics.

So it looks like there were bones found in modern times after all, or at least a single tooth. Was it a mammoth tooth? Where is it today? These questions remain a mystery.
This 1971 Statesman article tells us what happened to the cave next after it served its air conditioning function. It became a tourist attraction. The article is huge and you can click on it and zoom in to read it if you want.I'm just going to quote some important parts:

...
Austin had no police force during the Big Breakup following the close of the Civil War, and, by the time Confederate General Joe Shelby and Captain George R. Freeman took control of the situation, the desperadoes had already escaped across the river southwest of town. The money, about $15,000 to $17,000 in gold and silver coin, was never recovered.
**"When I was a boy, there were still treasure hunters all over our property looking for the treasury money," said Jerry Dellana, judge of the Travis County Court at Law Number 1. In those days Judge Dellana's father owned about 1,700 acres southwest of Austin. The City of Rollingwood now rests on part of the Dellana property. The treasure hunters had good reason to be looking on the Dellana land.
Located nearly a mile back from the cliffs of the Colorado River is Bandit Cave. The skeletons of children, adults and extinct animals have been removed from the cave. Relics of Indians and bandits have also been removed from the cave.
"When my dad was a boy, he told me, the cave was open all the way to the river," Judge Dellana said. "One man was so convinced that the treasury gold was buried in or near the cave, that he spent years digging gigantic holes in search for the loot," Judge Dellana said. "By the time my brothers and I started exploring the cave," he said, "silt had blocked off several of the passageways."
In 1950 Mrs. Lillian Mosher Crider, a custom hat designer, moved from Maine to Austin, heard about the cave and bought it. Mrs. Crider, of 1627 Barton Springs Road, said that more than a cattle truck of clothes, jewelry, bones and relics have been removed from the cave. An Indian burial ground and the bones of an extinct great bear were also discovered in the cave. A portion of a human skeleton is still buried beneath the washed-in silt, she said. The skull of an Indian child, about, 10-years-old, . was carbon-dated by University of Texas professors, she said, and found to pre-date the discovery of America by 1,000 years.
In the early days of Austin, Mrs. Crider said the cave was used as a hideout for local bandits. Many early settlers and travelers forded the Colorado River at Deep Eddy, and were soon robbed after crossing, she said. Because the bandits consistently eluded capture, she said they became known as "ghost riders." Mrs. Crider also discovered a small bell near a lookout vantage point cut into the side , of the old cave entrance. She believes the bandits used the bell to sound the alarm when a posse passed close by. In 1952 the only entrance to the cave was a shoulder-width hole which dropped down into a large room. Mrs. Crider then had a walk-in entrance . constructed and opened the cave for tours. She directed tourists to the Rollingwood cave from her souvenir-gift shop in front of her home.
Before it was closed to the public about 10 years ago, Mrs. Crider said more than a million persons from across the nation toured Bandit Cave. The cave was closed, she said, because of an illness in the family. Several new rooms were discovered when the cave was being readied for tourists. Mrs. Crider believes, however, the major portion of the cave, perhaps as large as Carlsbad Caverns, is yet to be discovered. Because the Cave is on private property and because it can be dangerous to amateur explorers, Rollingwood Police Chief Bill Thorns said he keeps on the lookout for persons breaking into the cave. Mrs. Crider believes the cave still holds many undiscovered relics and secrets. One of the secrets could even be the location of the unrecovered treasury loot.

Wow, we find out quite a bit from this story! A whole "cattle truck worth of clothes, jewelry, bones and relics"? Skeletons still buried in silt? It's not gold and silver coins, but in my view certainly this qualifies as an archeological treasure ground, if not a sacred, hallowed burial ground. How was this not ever investigated more thoroughly? I have no answers, only more questions. What happened next is even more perplexing. The cave closed to the public after about 10 years as a tourist attraction, , changed owners, and then became a place for annual neighborhood Halloween parties.
In 1988 a guy named Dan bought the property the cave burrows under. He was concerned about humans damaging endangered species in the cave, and so he sealed it up tight, welding the iron door shut on both sides and covering the other entrance. Dan still owns the cave today and doesn't let anyone inside except for a very few UT biologists studying the interesting forms of the cave bone harvester (Daddy longlegs). The only reason I know he has let anyone in there at all in the past 30+ years is because of mention of Bandit Cave in PDF reports like this one and this one on the biological diversity found in local caves. But that's apparently it. The place is virtually impossible to access without an arc welder, and the neighbors would call the cops on you if you tried.
That mixerreviews site is weird. The guy who made that page also made a youtube video where he basically reads out the article while showing footage of the welded door. I guess he means well. It's nice that he shows us what the area looks like today.
Well time is running short and space is long today, so I think I'll leave it there. I wish I had more of answers for y'all, but until Dan or his relatives allows someone else to go inside Bandit Cave, we might never know the depths of its secrets. There are no color photos on the internet of the inside of Bandit Cave. The closest I found was a photo of these Rhadine Austinica beetles who apparently live in the cave. I've got a few low-res Bonus Pics stolen from the Statesman archive:
Bonus Pic #1 - " Dr. and Mrs. L. L. Amend show one of the large rooms of their 12-room 'Bandit Cave' at Riley Road and Pickwick Lane. The cave is still partially explored because silt has built up between some of the passageways" - May 16, 1952
Bonus Pic #2 - "Dr. and Mrs. L. L. Amend, owners of Bandit Cave in Rollingwood, found an old hunk of tree trunk recently which just might prove that Sam Bass once hitched his hosses near the junction of the Colorado and Pedernales Rivers. Carved on the weathered tree section is "Sam Bass 1877." It's also studded with bullet holes, and even one slug, about a .30 caliber, is visible from the back. Mrs. Amend is pictured above with the slab of tree trunk. Dr. Amid said a Manchaca farmer, Hobert Carpenter, has had the piece of tree for years. The tree once grew on his father's land, now under water, at Lake Travis. The weathered tree trunk will be on exhibition through Sunday" - July 29, 1953
Bonus Pic #3 - "Bandit Cave Mascot Kidnapped by Local Boys" - July 9, 1958

Company Name	Title	City
Northwood Veterinary Hospital	Northwood Veterinary Hospital: Medical Director @ Northwoods Veterinary Hospital	Athol
PKL Services, Inc	PKL Services, Inc: Avionics Specialist	Mountain Home
Whole Foods Market	Grocery Specialist	Driggs
Whole Foods Market	Deli Worker	Driggs
Whole Foods Market	Grocery Specialist	Victor
Whole Foods Market	Inventory Clerk	Victor
Republic Services	Republic Services: Driver Trainee - We Will Help You Get Your Commercial License	Boise
Domino's	Delivery Expert(07373) - 1103 South Washington	Emmett
Domino's	Domino's: Delivery Expert(07373) - 1103 South Washington	Emmett
Kootenai Health	Kootenai Health: Registered Nurse (Rn) - General Medicine Unit	Coeur D'Alene
NovaSource Power	NovaSource Power: Field Technician Ii - (American Falls, Id)	American Falls
Wyndham Destinations	Wyndham Destinations: Guest Services Associate I - Worldmark - Mccall Resort	Mccall
Kroger	Jewelry Sales Professional	Idaho Falls
BRP Health Management Systems, Inc.	Certified Nurse Assistant (CNA)	Burley
Massage Envy	Massage Therapist	Coeur d'Alene
Bennett Hills Rehabilitation & Care Center	Licensed Practical Nurse	Gooding
Windermere Real Estate	Real Estate Broker	Hailey
Combined Transport	CDL-A Company Heavy Haul Flatbed OTR Truck Driver	Kuna
Packaging Corporation of America	TRUCK DRIVER - Grave Shift	Nampa
Benewah Community Hospital	PA/NP Family Medicine w/ Hospital Rounding	Saint Maries
St. Luke's Health System	Cash Management Specialist	Twin Falls
Compeer Financial	Loan Accountant	Bloomington
Addus Homecare	Caregiver	Bonners Ferry
Addus Homecare	Caregiver (HCA)	Bonners Ferry
CRST CAT Team	CDL Team Driver - Home Bi-Weekly - Weekly Payroll No Touch Freight	Cataldo

Hey guys, here are some recent job openings in id. Feel free to comment here or send me a private message if you have any questions, I'm at the community's disposal! If you encounter any problems with any of these job openings please let me know that I will modify the table accordingly. Thanks!

Ronnel Melcolm, Somewhere near Old Anchor - 246AD

Along the bluffs which ran west along the bay from Old Anchor sat a now abandoned structure. A great three story house with two towers rising, one from the south-east corner, the other from the north-west. It had been home to two and a half generations of Melcolms as the Forecastle underwent an extensive refurbishment. It had slowly fallen into disuse once construction on the Forecastle had been completed, and finally sat empty, forgotten, looking down at the waters below.
Ronnel Melcolm, a tall young man with a wispy mustache, was taking a ride one spring morning. He had no destination in mind, and urging his horse up the high road, found himself at a trot going along the winding path which led to the structure. He ducked under a low branch as the overgrown courtyard opened up in front of him. A bird twittered in the trees behind him.
Eyeing the structure curiously, he brought his horse to a stop in the middle of the opening, dropping to the dirt below. The weeds stretched upward through what scattered cobblestones had been left unscanvanged. Dark windows looked out, covered in dirt, sea salt blown up by the wind. A few were broken, some missing entirely. Others were intact.
Ronnel tied the horse to a post near the great door, drawing off his riding gloves. He put a hand against the wood, feeling the texture a moment, before pushing. The door groaned, as if stretching after awakening from a long sleep. The young man took a last look at the courtyard and stepped inside.
Moving slowly as his eyes adjusted to the gloom, he tried to make use of his other senses. Smells of old fabric, animals, rot came to him. The sound of wood creaking at his footsteps, a fluttering of birds from somewhere upstairs. The day was bright enough and he could soon see well enough.
The first room he found himself in on the first floor was a great hall. Long tables, chairs, benches were off in one corner. A few forgotten cups, pitches, plates sat around as well. Above the great hearth, he could make out a large portrait. He drew closer to it, squinting to make out the faces. A bald man with a large beard stood arm in arm with a rather plain looking woman. A number of children stood around them, including a handsome looking boy of fourteen or fifteen. Ronnel could take a guess at who the man was. Lord Jonas Melcolm had ordered the reconstruction of the Forecastle as Old Anchor had slowly begun to transition from the port town it had been to the growing city it was becoming. Merchants had been gathering at the docks and markets for years from across Westeros and from across the Narrow Sea, foreign quarters springing up here and there. The lord’s wife, however, and his children, were not familiar to the young man, figures mostly lost to history.
Ronnel looked at the portrait a while longer before turning and finding his way upstairs.
Portraits hung on the walls over the stairs as well, some covered with thick canvass that Ronnel needed to pull aside if he wished to see. There was another of the Lord Jonas Melcolm, this time with only his wife, a sword prominently taking up the position occupied by his children in the other depiction. Another portrait was a young man a woman, holding a book or folio between them. At their feet lay an anchor with several wax candles burning atop it. Another portrait showed a red-headed young man stood with a horse. As Ronnel drew closer to it, he realized the animal was, in fact, not a horse at all, but rather a massive dog.
He reached the top of the stairs, letting his feet lead him where they would.
Gently pushing at a door, a frantic sound sent him a few steps back. Within a small chamber, a few metal cages sat on a table by an open window. The cages were open, but it soon became apparent that one was occupied by a songbird, building her nest for the Spring. Ronnel took a few steps in, once the shock had passed. The bird tweeted in greeting, or warning. On another table near a bed sat a wooden box with carved figures on the sides and top. Lions, birds, dogs, horses, anchors...seals? He opened it, revealing a collection of jewelry and trinkets of metal and wood, the theme seemed to be much the same as the carvings without. At the top sat a silver necklace. As he drew up the chain, a heavy object followed. A lion, wrought in onyx, seemed to be sleeping at the end of it. Ronnel thought to pocket the piece, but instead returned to to its fellows, closing the lid again.
He turned to survey the other side of the room. A large bulk of canvas sat in the corner. He drew the covering back, trying to make out what lay underneath. It took him a moment to realize it was the shell of a tortoise. In flaking white paint near the rear were shapes, “MM”. He puzzled over it a moment before covering it again.
Another door down the corridor led to a large solar, a bed chamber could be glimpsed through an open door beyond. Ronnel slowly made his way around the large table, running his fingers over the dirty wood. He sat in what he imagined to be the lord’s seat, looking around. He fiddled with old pots of dry ink, wrinkled parchments, half-feathered quills. Hidden below the side of the table was a box. The clasp was rusty and it took some force to open it. Parchments were stuffed inside. They proved themselves to be letters, some addressed “Jo”, others “Lord Melcolm”, others “Uncle Jonas”. The signatures on the bottom could be made out as “Art”, “Artys”, “Conrad”, and “Conny”. Years of mundane correspondence were packed in them. Successful hunts, unsuccessful hunts, tales of long nights drinking, references to a shared time in the Gates of the Moon. Apologizes, angry words, gratitudes, and desires of long forgotten friends, half incomprehensible without context, all utterly meaningless now. Ronnel returned them and left the box on the table.
Winding steps at the end of the corridor led him up one of the stone towers. Set in the walls were pieces wrought in bronze, mostly depicting the Seven aspects. Before the door at the top, Ronnel was surprised to find several canes leaning against the walls. It seemed inconvenient for someone with trouble walking to occupy a room so high up. He pushed open the door and once again jumped back. Someone was standing there, silent, unmoving. Ronnel’s heart was pounding from the surprise and he waited a moment, groping for a dagger at his belt. But the figure remained still. Slowly, he inched towards it, soon realizing it was merely a dummy wearing a cloak of feathers, goose feathers, a helmet sat on the top.
Upon a desk, Ronnel found a large parchment. “In the Service of Her Majesty Queen Myranda, first of her name, and the House of Arryn, The Order of the White Feather…” Some knightly order that sounded vaguely familiar to him. He looked down at the signatures. Some of them were still known throughout the Vale for various acts, Prince Marq Arryn, Ser Willam Waxley, and others still famous in Old Anchor, Lord Ronnel Hunter, he read. HIs namesake. The story was well enough known, even now. Lord Hunter had come to the aid of House Melcolm regarding some captured knight, had done much to improve Old Anchor while Lord Jonas had seen to other duties. Somewhere in the family tree, the man was Ronnel’s own grandfather, with several greats before it. He smiled, rolling up the parchment and intending to return it to Old Anchor.
At the other end of the corridor, he took the stairs up to the other tower. The walls were covered in chipped paint. Hand prints, crude pictures of flowers. He imagined it had all been rather colorful at one time. The room at the top was littered with parchments and folios. The young man thumbed through some. Figures were written out in a manner most incomprehensible to him. Various correspondences were likewise found. “Ser Ian, I thank you for your helpful notes on the matter. I believe those changes are well advised. I hope you can come to Grandview to see the completed structure yourself, and to meet our youngest. As to the other matter. I fear you would not be interested in my latest manuscript, but I thank you for your offer. -Harwood”
Some impulse drove the man down the stairs, down to the first floor, down to the cellar. The heat outside had made him thirsty and he wondered if there was any cider left. The cavernous cellar contained various casks and barrels, most empty. However, what interested him more was a door built into the vaulting. Opening it revealed wardrobes, trunks, and crates. The young man’s hands ran along the old wood, feeling its worn smoothness. He opened a crate. Shoes. A wardrobe. Shoes. The whole chamber was filled with shoes of all shapes, styles, colors, and materials. Pinned to each was a small bit of parchment with a place and often a note, though two hands were evident. At the bottom of some the initials “VH”. At the bottom of others, the initials “HH”. Who in the Seven Hells would need so many shoes?
Making his way back up to the main floor, he took a last look around in the dim light. A family’s history, his family’s history lay here, part of it anyway, and most of it forgotten. Everything had meant something to someone, just as real as he was, with dreams, hopes, regrets, all lost to time now. He imagined the place alive, people coming and going, distant relatives and close friends spending evenings here in laughter, in song and dance. They had grown old, seen their families grow with them. He hoped they had been happy.
He left through another door, walking back into the sun. Before his eyes could readjust, he tripped over something near the door. He turned to find a rusty anchor lying against the wall. The name “Matthew” had been scratched into it before it had been left, with everything else, as a chapter had closed on House Melcolm.
........
For the most part, it has been a blast. I've had some amazing times writing with people here. We are going for an extended holiday and I was wondering whether I should unclaim, and the recent events have made that decision easy for me.
There are some stories that I am very sad to leave unfinished. Tem, Emmett and Nora were so fun to write, I'm sorry they won't get their wedding. Sam, Milwood...what can I say? I regret some of the choices I made with Millie, but she had taken some tough blows the past few years and I needed time to find strength for her.
For my hot take on the drama, hit me up on discord.
Thanks again CoB. Be excellent to each other.

Malvina Krutz
At just about 5pm on the evening of January 29, 1958, 48-year-old Charles E. Krutz arrived home to 5268 Guilford Avenue, a respectable 1 1/2-story home in a quiet neighborhood in Indianapolis's North Side. He had spent the day caught up in seemingly endless meetings and business calls for his job as a sales manager with the Southern Transportation Company and was looking forward to a home-cooked meal and a relaxing evening with his wife and son. Indeed, ten-year-old Charles Leland Krutz, Jr. -- nicknamed "Buddy" -- had already been home from school for about an hour and a half at that point, and was fully engrossed in the evening's episode of "Wild Bill Hickok."
As Charles crossed the room, he asked Buddy if his mother was home. Although Malvina Krutz was a housewife, she was currently overseeing significant renovations to the family home in the aftermath of a house fire the previous December, so it wasn't unusual for her to dash out during the day to meet with a contractor, pick out a new paint color, or deal with the seemingly never-ending pile of insurance paperwork. But that didn't seem to be the case today. Buddy told his father that, when he had come home for lunch earlier that day, his mother had told him not to worry about his newspaper route that evening, that she would take care of it for him. That's where she had been since he'd gotten home, he assumed.
But any relief that Charles might have felt at this explanation was dashed with Buddy's next remark: "I don't like the looks of the bedroom." When questioned further, the boy told his father that, when he had gotten home from school that afternoon, his model airplanes and other toys had been "in disarray" on and around the chest of drawers in his bedroom. Confused and a bit uneasy, Charles hung up his coat and proceeded to the bathroom to wash his hands, after which he would get to the bottom of what his wife was up to.
But his questions were answered more quickly than Charles could have anticipated. Upon opening the bathroom door, he noticed that the shower curtain -- which was usually left open -- had been pulled shut. With a pit in his stomach, he slid the curtain back to find the lifeless body of his wife, 41-year-old Malvina Krutz, lying on her right side, submerged in water. Her head was towards the faucet, and her legs had been bent at the knees. The bathtub had been filled to the overflow valve and the faucet turned off. The water was still warm when Charles came upon the scene, as was Malvina's body. She had cuts to the inside of her lips and was later noted as having bruises on her left eye, on her chin, on each arm above the elbow, and on her left lower leg above the knee. She was wearing a white "sweater-type blouse" that had been torn in the back, a white lightweight cardigan sweater (also torn), panties rolled down to her knees, and a pair of sneakers. A soaking wet pair of torn women's toreador pants -- presumably removed from Malvina's body after she was submerged -- was later found inside-out on the floor of Buddy's bedroom. The young boy -- who chanced not to have used the bathroom since arriving home at 3:35pm -- had unwittingly been just a few feet away from the devastating scene for well over an hour.
Charles called the police, who quickly arrived at the scene to begin their investigation. As a group of detectives pored over the Krutz home in search of any clues, other officers began questioning Charles and slowly piecing together the events of Malvina's last day.
Nothing about Malvina Krutz's life seemed to portend the brutal violence of her death. Neighbors described her as "typically Southern, of warm and friendly nature," while close friends used words like "forceful," "vivacious," and "active" when recounting memories of the late housewife, church worker, and PTA volunteer. She suffered from a chronic back injury, but that hadn’t seemed to hinder her involvement in community initiatives. Mildred Warning, who had actually been to Malvina's home on the day of her murder, recalled her as "a busy person, active in so many things," and mentioned that Malvina was particularly proud of the work that was being done on her home. In fact, getting the chance to see the progress that had been made on the home renovation was part of the reason Mildred had stopped by the Krutz house in the early afternoon of January 29th, along with Florence Cubert, another friend of Malvina's from Northwood Christian Church.
Mildred recalled, "She had been after us to come and see the work being done on her home. She really was proud of it." But, aware of Malvina's busy and often unpredictable schedule, the friends had called the Krutz home at 12:45pm to let her know that they were coming over. However, rather than hearing her friend's voice on the other end of the line, Mildred was met by a man answering the phone. According to Mildred, "It wasn't her husband. I know his voice. I got the impression this man was a workman." She asked if she could speak to Mrs. Krutz, to which the man allegedly responded, "Well, ah…" A bit puzzled, Mildred asked the strange man, who she told police "spoke courteously," to pass along the message to Malvina that she and Florence would be coming by the house shortly. In response, she heard Malvina's voice call out in the background, "Tell Mrs. Warning that I have to take Buddy to school and will pick her up at 1:30." (Another source reports this statement as simply, "Tell her not to pick me up today.")
About an hour later (1:40pm - 1:45pm), Mildred and Florence arrived at the Krutz home, having ignored Malvina's ambiguous requests. As they were driving up, the friends apparently saw a man run away from the house, get into Malvina's 1955 Buick hardtop, and drive away. This certainly seemed a bit odd, but the women dismissed it as a workman taking the car to pick up building materials, which happened not infrequently. After knocking at the front door and receiving no answer, Mildred and Florence went around to the back door, which they found to be slightly ajar. Letting themselves inside, the two friends waited in the living room for approximately 20 minutes before departing, leaving behind a "chiding note" written to Malvina and a coat for her son.
The only other hint that something strange had been going on with Malvina that day came from Buddy. Despite spending most of the day at the nearby School 55, Buddy had come home to eat lunch, per his typical routine. He had arrived at approximately 12:10pm and recalled that the car was in the garage upon his arrival. As Buddy poured himself a glass of milk and hastily ate the sandwich that had been left for him on the kitchen counter, he heard his mother's voice calling from the bathroom. She told him not to worry about his newspaper route that afternoon, as she would take care of it. Pleasantly surprised, Buddy finished his meal and returned to school. According to Buddy, his mother had still been in the bathroom at the time he had left.
**Several sources refer to Buddy as "the last person to have seen Malvina" before her death. This may be semantics, but I wanted to note that I haven't come across any explicit confirmation that he *saw* her while home for lunch, only that they talked while she was in the bathroom.
In the early hours of the investigation, much attention was paid to the various workmen who had been in and out of the Krutz home over the previous weeks. The home had been damaged in a fire on December 16 of the previous year, and Malvina and Charles had hired the Walter DeLacy contracting firm to oversee repairs. Police identified four particular workmen who were confirmed to have been in the house on the day of the murder, but all four men were cleared after questioning, with the last two released from interrogation at 5am on the morning of the 30th. Undeterred, investigators continued to question any and all workmen who had been involved with the Krutz renovation over the past month and a half. This proved more fruitful; on January 31, an officer reported, "we have questioned all of the workmen, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are all cleared. There is a difference." He went on to elaborate that one man in particular had been, "'unable to account satisfactorily" for his whereabouts during the slaying.
Another focus of the early investigation was Malvina's car -- a two-tone white-over-gray, hard-top 1955 Buick. Both Buddy and the neighborhood's milk delivery man confirmed that the car was in the Krutz garage as late as noon on January 29th. At approximately 1:45pm, Mildred and Florence saw someone get into the car, back out of the Krutz’s driveway, and head north on Guilford Avenue. Upon further questioning, neither woman was able to identify the man who had been driving, nor could they confidently recall anything about his appearance. However, a 16-year-old neighbor who told police that he also saw this man driving away described the driver as Black.
Despite a police dragnet allegedly being dispatched "immediately" after the murder was reported, it was not until the following morning that Malvina's car was found a mere 11 blocks from her home, left abandoned at 4926 North Meridian Street. The keys were not in the car and were not recovered from a search of the area. Curiously, a workman in the area of 49th and Meridian claimed that the car had been parked there since the day before the murder. Two "domestic servants" employed nearby told police that they had actually first seen the car the morning before the body had been found, and that it had stayed there through the afternoon until the morning it was found by police. It is unclear what to make of these reports, as they are inconsistent with the testimony of Mildred, Florence, Buddy, and others, yet seem to have been independently corroborated by at least two observers. Another domestic servant recalled seeing a "light-skinned Negro" driving the Krutz car to the drop-off point at some point during the afternoon of the 29th, after which "the man got out, wiped off the door handle with a handkerchief and walked south." Newspaper reports describe this story as "unconfirmed."
Back on Guilford Avenue, investigators were undertaking an extensive search of the Krutz home. Robbery was quickly ruled out as the motive; Malvina's purse was found hanging from a doorknob in the house with money still inside, and $260 was found undisturbed in a dresser drawer. Further, Charles confirmed that no jewelry or other valuables had been taken from the home. Three fingerprints that didn't match members of the Krutz family were allegedly collected from two doors in the house, including a "clear fingerprint of a left thumb" taken from the bedroom door. This print was never successfully matched to anyone questioned in relationship to the murder, nor were any matches found in local criminal records, civil files, or in the State Police database.
Perhaps the strangest clue in the case was described as "a yellow pencil with strands of hair embedded in the wood." It's not clear exactly where the pencil was recovered, but investigators remarked that the small cuts to Malvina's forehead and scalp "could have been caused by a pencil in the coat or shirt pocket of the killer." Charles Krutz denied ever having seen the pencil, which was inscribed with "White County REMC, Monticello, Ind.", and it was eventually discovered that thousands of similar pencils had been distributed over the past few years by the Rural Electric Membership Corporation, who used the pencils in their offices and branches. In fact, REMC Business Manager Geraldine Brewer remarked that similar pencils had been passed out at the company’s annual meeting, and that they could also be found in the vestibule of the company's office for anyone to pick up. Although investigators stated that they planned to perform a spectrograph test to identify the source of the hair, any such results were not publicly reported.
With regards to the body itself, "extensive testing" revealed that, despite the positioning of the body and its suggestive state of undress, Malvina had not been sexually assaulted. Her official cause of death was determined as drowning, and Coroner Roy B. Storms hypothesized that she had been struck by a blow to the face or head (sufficient to cause a brain hemorrhage) before being placed in the filled bathtub, after which her lungs filled with water. As Storms described, "She had a blow above the left eye. I don't think she fell into the tub. I think it was murder. She had abrasions on her lip, a small cut. She either struck something or somebody struck her. I think somebody struck her." On February 17, 1958, Storms officially concluded that Malvina had been murdered, ruling out any remaining possibility that the death had been the result of some tragic accident.
Investigators also noted "signs of struggle" in Buddy's bedroom, where, in addition to Malvina's torn, wet pants, two pillows had been found on the floor, covered in blood spots and mucous stains. One pillow was near the foot of the bed, while the other was described as positioned between the bed and the wall "as for a pallet" with a chenille bedspread beside it. Two shag rugs had also been found underneath Malvina's body when it was recovered from the bathtub, leading investigators to hypothesize that an initial attack had occurred in the bedroom, after which the attacker had laid an injured or unconscious Malvina on this makeshift cot before carrying her into the bathroom, during which the attacker accidentally gathered up the rugs along with Malvina's body. Disturbingly, investigators pointed to a chrome towel hanger that had been broken off the bathroom wall and found in the washbowl as evidence that Malvina had likely regained consciousness and struggled with her attacker as he moved her into the bathtub. A blood-stained towel was found behind a kitchen door that lead to the backyard and basement, and Charles told police that Malvina's car keys would have been kept in a "plainly visible" bowl on a nearby kitchen cabinet for the attacker to grab on his way out of the house.
Despite the fact that over a dozen of the Krutz's neighbors would have allegedly had a view of the home on the day of the murder, only one neighbor (the 16-year-old who saw a man driving away) reported witnessing anything unusual. Indeed, even though seven people were known to have been in and out of the Krutz home that day (four workmen, Buddy, Mildred, and Florence), none of them had been seen by any of their close neighbors, with the exception of Mildred and Florence, who had been seen by a neighbor living across the street. Of note, two nearby dogs who were said to "bark loudly at persons in the Krutz yard" were not heard barking on the day of the crime. Even years into the investigation, police maintained that they "have always thought that someone who lived in the neighborhood or who passed by the Krutz house that January 29 may have seen the murder, but no one would come forth with information." However, this sentiment is undermined by a newspaper report claiming that only one of the family's four closest neighbors actually confirmed that they had been questioned by investigators.
Several suspects were picked up, questioned, and released in fairly quick succession over the first few days of the investigation. Their names were not publicly released, so it is not entirely clear how many individual suspects were questioned over the course of the investigation, nor which reports refer to the same suspect being questioned multiple times. One man, described as a "strong lead" was arrested on the night of January 30th, but released after a few hours. Although his identity was withheld, he was described as "a workman who has done fire damage repair work on the Krutz home recently." The next afternoon, a hitchhiker and apparent "ex-convict from Alabama" was picked up in connection to the case, but he was also released fairly quickly. A "62-year-old junk collector" was questioned, as were four paper hangers who had recently worked on the Krutz renovation. However, the fingerprints found in the home were not a match for any of these individuals.
Malvina did not have any known enemies, nor had she, to anyone's knowledge, ever been threated or "bothered with prowlers." Detectives reported that they were looking deeper into her background "on the theory that she might have had acquaintances unknown to her husband." Although two new suspects were reported around this time, it is unclear if these suspects actually did have such a personal connection to the victim. In addition, investigators began to question local sex offenders, with Captain Michael Smiley explaining their reasoning: "we know from experience that a peeping tom can become a rapist and maybe even become a murderer." Police questioned one "close friend" of Malvina's who was confined to Methodist Hospital; although they did not release the woman's name or the reason she was questioned, investigators did report that she "could not shed light" on the case. A "former salesman on fuel saving devices" who had worked with Malvina "about 18 months ago" was also reportedly questioned by police, as was "a man who was with a workman at the time some repairs were made." An unnamed woman was also questioned in early February but was released after passing a lie detector test.
On February 3, 1958, lead investigators Det. Sgt. Earl Booth and Det. Sgt. Stanley McDonald made a statement to the public that "things are beginning to fit together. It's not so confusing now." McDonald further hinted at valuable information that had not been made public, claiming that "things [were] liable to start popping" in the days to come. However, the same day, Chief of Police Frank Mueller made the controversial decision to suspend the investigation for two days so that the detectives involved could attend a trial in nearby Franklin. Mueller framed this brief hiatus in a positive light, responding that it "may be well" to get the chance to "gain new perspective on the case." However, members of the public called for the Franklin trial to be postponed to avoid such a disruption, and felt that investigators were not devoting sufficient attention to the case. One letter to the editor, published in The Indianapolis News, lamented, "Under Reilly [the previous Chief of Police], it was normal for investigators to run around the clock. But in the Krutz case, it appears detectives work on it if there's nothing else pressing -- such as a report for the chief or a trial at Franklin." The letter concludes on an even more incisive note: "Perhaps this case calls for more than two men. Aren't there enough detectives to go around? Or could it be that our homicide division kicks the tough cases around until they get lost? Do they work on a case until pressure dies down and then hope the public will forget?"
Mueller rebutted these claims in an editorial the following day, reassuring the public that "the department has and will continue to check out every available clue" and claiming that "we will solve this case when we get all our evidence and clues sifted down." In response to the outcry over suspending the investigation, Mueller placed Detectives Robert Morrison and John Rudd on the case while Booth and McDonald were out of town. However, both officers were described in newspaper reports as "not homicide men, and inexperienced in that field," raising some concern about their appointment. Shortly thereafter, two Black officers -- Anthony Watkins and Oscar Donahue -- were assigned to the case with the task of interviewing members of the Black community who might respond more openly to questions from investigators of color. The two were highly esteemed by their peers, with one officer declaring, “if [the attacker] was a Negro, the pair would find him." However, both Watkins and Donahue were removed from the case after two days with little explanation.
One other major suspect was being considered in the first weeks of the Krutz investigation, and that was Charles Krutz himself. While it has become almost rote at this point for husbands or boyfriends to be viewed as likely early suspects in murders of women, the optics of this case were particularly suggestive. Shortly after Malvina's death, it was revealed that she had filed for divorce from Charles on January 13, 1958, citing "marital misconduct and gross and wanton negligence of conjugal duties" over a period of over ten years. A hearing was scheduled for January 17 regarding a restraining order, but both Malvina and Charles failed to appear in court, after which the divorce suit was dropped entirely. According to Charles, the couple had mutually decided to reconcile, and this claim was "partly confirmed" by Malvina's lawyer. The lawyer, who described Malvina as "a very frustrated woman," also reported having represented her in a previous divorce action in the early 1950s, although this was also dropped after an apparent reconciliation. As they had failed to appear in court on the 17th, the Krutz couple received a court order to appear on January 30, 1958. Malvina was killed one day before.
Charles did not deny this marital turmoil but was able to provide an alibi for his whereabouts the afternoon of the murder. Although he had spent most of the day at work at the Southern Transportation Co., his job as a sales manager had taken him away from the office for a little over three hours. Part of this time was allegedly spent visiting a friend, Charles Fleck, at his rooming house, as corroborated by both Fleck and Josephine Funke, his landlady. However, officials reported that "our detectives are not satisfied with the stories those two [Charles Krutz and Charles Fleck] gave" and asked both men to take a lie detector test. Krutz agreed but asked if the test could be postponed until after his wife's funeral, when he would be more composed. Furthermore, Patrolman James L. Mullen, one of the first officers on the crime scene, reported two discrepancies in Krutz's statements to police. First, while Krutz initially told Mullen that he had entered the house through the front door on the evening of the 29th, his later statements claimed that he had entered through the back door. Second, Krutz apparently told investigators that, upon arriving home, he had taken off his watch and jewelry, but hadn't yet changed his shirt by the time he found the body and called police. However, Mullen reported that the man's shirt had looked "unworn" when he had arrived at the Krutz home.
Regardless, on February 7, 1958, both Krutz and Fleck were cleared by lie detector testing, with police asserting that "nothing indicates they have any knowledge of the murder." Krutz was questioned for a total of 4.5 hours before being released, and reportedly "expressed a desire to continue helping with the investigation."
In the following days, police released information regarding mysterious phone calls allegedly made to Charles Krutz in the days following his wife's murder. Three anonymous calls had been received, all at night and all following the same pattern: a woman with a "slight southern accent" would ask "Is this Mr. Krutz?" and then break the connection after he responded affirmatively. As the workman who had spoked to Mildred Warning apparently also had a "slight southern drawl," police theorized that the two individuals may know one another. In fact, they even stated that the caller "might be in danger of her life," theorizing that "the woman caller knows the identity of the man who answered the telephone and if he is also the murderer, he may take steps to keep her from revealing his identity to the police." However, if this caller was ever identified, her identity was not shared publicly.
On the morning of February 19, 1958, police reported that Robert Smith, a 37-year-old self-employed painter and paper hanger, had been taken into custody. Smith, a married father of seven with no previous arrest record, had been the very first person questioned in the case, but had been released after providing an alibi. However, police revealed that Smith had been "under surveillance ever since," and that they had eventually received additional information that raised questions about his original story (though they would not reveal the specific nature of this information).Smith had worked in the Krutz house on January 23, 24 and 25, but claimed that he had been working at another North Side home on the afternoon of the murder. However, Det. Sgt. Booth reported that he had "absolute evidence to the contrary that shoots his story full of holes as to the time and places he was supposed to have been on January 29."
One critical inconsistency was an alleged sighting of Smith with Malvina "in her car and in a place of business" about a week before the murder. However, despite three witnesses claiming to have seen the two together, Smith denied that he had ever been in a car with Malvina or driven Malvina's car. It is suggested that the two were likely seen together while on an errand to shop for wallpaper, and Smith's reluctance to admit to being in her company likely had much to do with contemporary racial politics: this was less than three years after the lynching of Emmett Till, and Smith -- a Black man -- would undoubtedly be hyperaware of the danger of admitting to any kind of personal intimacy with a white woman.
When a lie detector test was administered on February 20, Smith was consistent in denying all knowledge of the crime and claiming that he had never spent time in Malvina's car or with her away from her home. Smith allegedly passed the lie detector test "on all points except one -- reports he was seen in an automobile within ten days before the murder." However, despite this one discrepancy, investigators considered the results sufficient proof of Smith's innocence. He was released the same day, with Capt. Smiley stating, "He's free. We won't need him anymore."
Just a few days later, on February 24, 1958, a local painter named Leroy Penick was brought before the Municipal Court in regard to Malvina Krutz's murder. According to investigators, Penick (also a Black man) had been "uncertain about dates throughout questioning," and his account of the day of the crime was described as "a maze of mixed-up time elements." Specifically, Penick claimed that he had spent January 29 painting a barbershop, but the shop's owners maintained that Penick had actually been there the previous day. After administering a lie detector test, police reported that Penick "continued to show deception [when] asked questions about the slaying or the scene of the crime," and he apparently had particularly strong reactions to questions about hitting Malvina and about having driven her car. However, Penick admitted to drinking the night before the test, which may have nullified the results. Furthermore, Det. Sgt McDonald reported that Penick had told him that "he had been arrested 18 times and knew results of a lie detector test won't stand up in court."
Investigators searched Penick's house in the hopes of finding yellow paint matching paint found on a rag left behind in Malvina's abandoned car. No evidence was found during the search (although, in a strange turn of events, police arrived to find the house "nearly 200 degrees" and "ready to burst into flames," eventually discovering that the oven had been left on when Penick had been taken into custody days earlier). A final attempt was made to compare paint on Penick's clothing the paint on the rag, but this analysis was inconclusive. On March 2, 1958, the case against Leroy Penick was dropped and he was released from custody, with no evidence ever directly linking him to the Krutz house in the days leading up to the murder.
Disturbingly, Leroy Penick was arrested four years later in relation to the brutal death of his live-in girlfriend, 27-year-old Carol Jean Martin. Penick originally claimed that another man was responsible for the violent beating, then changed his story to claim that she had accidentally slipped and fallen after arriving home drunk and picking a fight with him. On January 26, 1963, Penick was found guilty of second-degree murder and received an automatic life sentence. Although he was re-questioned about Malvina Krutz's murder, no further evidence suggested that he was connected to the slaying.
Over the following months, new leads in the Krutz case "slowed to a trickle." Even lead investigators Booth and McDonald were forced to admit, "We have come up with absolutely nothing." Desperate for clues, investigators collaborated with The Indianapolis Star, who published an offer of a $5000 reward for information leading to arrest and conviction in Malvina's murder, as well as in three other local unsolved cases. The call was first announced in early April, and the deadline for receiving reward money was set as May 15, 1958. Initially, these efforts appeared wildly successful, with police reporting that most of the clues sent into The Star so far were related to the Krutz case.
A reader reportedly turned in a set of keys that had been found on North Meridian Street, but these were not a match to Malvina's still-missing keys. On April 11, police told the public that they had a "strong" suspect, and that they had received a tip the previous day that "may help to tighten up the network of evidence." A few days later, Inspector Robert Reilly released a statement that "an entirely new and interesting light [had] been shed on the investigation" by a letter received by The Star. He elaborated by saying that this new lead had "led to a belief of foul play" but that there remained "no motive evident." Another report referenced an anonymous call from a man who "knew something about the murder," but he was ultimately found to be unreliable, as he was unable to share any new information. Intriguingly, one of the final mentions of this hunt comes in a response to a previous tip published on April 16: "Attention Writer 8-8-52 -- What is the last name and address of the woman who was surprised by the intruder?"
On June 12, 1958, a 25-year-old man named James D. Rogers walked into the Gary, Indiana police department and turned himself in for allegedly forging checks and committing "several" armed robberies. Quickly, however, Rogers -- a former line cook -- began to hint at an ever darker past. He knew something about the murder of Malvina Krutz, but he wouldn't talk until police brought "a woman friend of his" to headquarters. Officials acquiesced, and Rogers told Gary PD that a friend of his, identified as a "house painter" had been Malvina Krutz's killer, while he had been at the Krutz home during the murder. Rogers was quickly transferred to the custody of Indianapolis investigators for further questioning, and Rogers changed his story: now, he claimed that he was Malvina's killer.
According to Rogers, he had flirted with Malvina earlier in the day at a North Side restaurant, after which she had invited him back to her home. Said Rogers, "I got mad at her and hit her in the side of the head with a clinched fist. She must have fainted because I don't think it knocked her out. I got scared but I tried to bring her to in the bedroom but couldn't. I thought she was dead then and so I half-picked her up and half-dragged her from the bedroom into the bathroom. After I got her into the bathroom, she wasn't even moving so I put her into the bathtub and then I turned the water on. I turned just the cold water on. But she still wouldn't come to." He then claimed to have left the house, driven away in Malvina's car, parked it, and walked 3 1/2 blocks south before "[throwing] the keys in a yard or vacant lot by a big tree."
Although investigators were excited by a new development in a case that was quickly growing cold, most remained reasonably dubious. According to Capt. Smiley, "For instance, he said after the murder he took her car and left in at 49th and Meridian, wiped the car off and dropped the keys by a tree. We have information that children found some keys, but we have never been able to locate the children or the keys. On the other hand, he claims that on the day of the murder he met this woman sometime in the morning at a café at 52nd and Keystone and went home with her. He says he was there until 3 o'clock in the afternoon, that he was in the bedroom with her when the boy came home for dinner. He says she slipped on a robe left the bedroom and fixed the boy's lunch, and then after the boy went to school, she came back." Smiley continued, "There are some things that don't check there. We will continue to question him."
The next day, investigators administered a lie detector test, noting that Rogers had provided inaccurate details about clothing, phone calls, and "many other small points." Further, Capt. Smiley reported that "with the exception of the car keys reportedly dropped near a tree, he could have read the rest of the murder details in newspapers." Indeed, after the lie detector test suggested deception, Rogers revealed that he had falsely confessed. He had been "sick, confused, unhappy and unsuccessful," leading him to implicate himself in the murder. But in reality, Rogers claimed, even though he hadn't committed the crime, he knew who did, and would give the killer's name to police the following day. He did eventually provide a name to police, but the man was quickly cleared. When confronted, Rogers provided the name of a man he now claimed to be Malvina's true killer, but this lead also led nowhere. After Rogers named a fourth alleged killer to police, a man he had apparently met in April, officials were forced to admit that, not only was Rogers "looking less and less like a prime suspect in the Krutz case," it seemed most likely he had no personal knowledge of the crime at all.
A few final clues trickled in over the months that followed. In July 1958, a second-hand tip was received about someone who "had seen a man going and coming from the Krutz home before the murder who seemed familiar to Mrs. Krutz." The suspect allegedly wore clothing "like that of a painter" and had used the Krutz car on occasion. If this man was even identified and questioned, his name was not publicly released. Det. Sgt. Booth used The Indianapolis Star to address readers who had submitted clues in the Krutz case, writing that "certain portions of the letter signed 'XXX' which was sent to the Indianapolis Star now seem to mesh with certain information I am trying to develop at this time," and "urged the writer to tell more about the man wearing gray coveralls.” He also referenced a recent clue suggesting that the slayer had been a "frequent companion of the dead woman."
In December 1960, Det. Sgt. McDonald released a statement regarding a "lost tip" in the Krutz slaying. According to McDonald, the tipster, identified only as "5000," had written a letter to The Star 2.5 years prior, during the period when reward money was being offered. Although it is unclear why this tip was initially overlooked, the full contents of the letter were published as follows:
"RE MALVINA KRUTZ: The same afternoon on the day of this murder I was in my car at 49th & Meridian heading west waiting for light to change when a slim very dark complexioned man with a mustache was locking car north of (Editor's Note: Writer could mean "Parked facing north on…") Meridian on west side of street. He ran like a speed racer south on Meridian just as light was changing. While crossing street he made a movement towards his cap (painter's type) but seems to toss something toward the west. Some days later making the same trip I drove slowly west on 49th as two small boys picked something out of street on south side of 49th west of Meridian. I heard one say 'Someone has lost their car keys.' I remember another car was parked on west side, Mer. about third house down"
Tips continued to trickle in, and Det. Sgt. Booth remained on the case for at least a few years, having allegedly read over all the evidence at least half a dozen times during his tenure. Between 200 and 250 people were interviewed in connection to the case, and even a year later, Booth apparently spent "75 percent of his time running down leads and tips and rechecking details in the case." But to no avail.
Despite the abundance of suspicious characters and suggestive clues, the case remains unsolved over fifty years later. The most complete theories of the case put forward by officials are that the killer "may have been a collector who came to the house on an errand and decided to pilfer the house upon finding the door unlocked and indications that no one was home" or that he "was someone Malvina knew slightly, and whose presence in the house was known to her." However, more troubling questions concern Malvina's behavior earlier in the day. One newspaper report mused over Malvina's strange behavior when her son came home for lunch: "Why did she stay in the bathroom? She had a reputation for being a good mother, always worrying over the welfare of her son. Was the killer in the house at that time?" Other questions concern the man who answered Mildred Warning's phone call: "If the man was the killer, why did he stay so late when he knew the women were coming? Why did he take a chance being seen in Mrs. Krutz's car? Why didn't the two women become suspicious under these circumstances?" Only a few of the many, many unanswered questioned looming over the still-unsolved "Bathtub Slayer" murder of Malvina Krutz.
Sources:
[Due to Reddit's character limit, I'm only linking non-paywalled sources in the main post. The full source list is linked below, and contains citations for all newspaper sources.]
Cavinder, Fred D. Historic Indianapolis Crimes: Murder & Mystery in the Circle City. Arcadia Publishing. 2010.
Krutz Murder Suspect Freed, But Police "Not" Satisfied. Indianapolis Recorder. Mar 8, 1958.
Full Source List

AFRM Axl dress I saw this on the sale and couldn't stop thinking about it. Typical Nordstrom they shipped it quickly, on the hanger with protective "dry cleaning" plastic, and it is gorgeous in person. Looks high end. Can't wait to wear it.
Banana Republic high rise tapered cropped pant very nice and substantial in person (just got them today)
Snash jewelry "Spraytan" and "Caviar" script lettering rings super fun
Zara satin effect skirt in mustard
*Confession: I feel like kind of a loser because I owned a very similar skirt in velvet (same color) and I recently tried it on as part of a closet clean out and wow, it was not flattering. But I'm hoping satin being thinner and having more drape and flow it will work!
Zara lace insert poplin shirt
Frame denim had a warehouse sale and I picked up these high rise long flares
GOT RID OF:
these Ash sneakers
these floral Docs
these blondo flat sneakers
they are just a slightly wrong fit for my foot
these thrifted flats
these thrifted/second hand patent loafers---always looked and felt cheap
*Just FYI these below are all NWT so if you'd like to buy them off me let me know in DM's before I take them to my local consignment shop once things open up or send them off to my SIL!
My BF hates the 'dead girl' illustration on it size 2XL
Just...not me and needs a special bra an amazing steal though---a $250 jumpsuit for $35 Size XL/16
Too big and I own two other suits *not new
I have had this forever and it just...isn't me and I never wore it in like 2 years *size L, runs large
Laughably short on me but neckline is super flattering *size L
Matches my skin exactly, and is too large even though I sized down---a tragedy because this is a REALLY cool cut/style *size 14, runs large, is more like a 16
Cosplay French Cottage *size 18, runs small, is more like a 16
So pretty, but I bought them while on a business trip and haven't worn them, and they're just...not me *size 16, runs TTS
Free People doesn't allow for boobs/bras *size L, runs large everywhere but bodice
Madewell Emmett my size is 33T and when I find a sale on top of sale in 33T in the store I buy it, but the plaid is just...not flattering
I was so excited to get this and the color is just...no on me *size XL, runs very large
Size L when I really need an XL to get that comfortable linen summer pants drape

As noted in the previous post, my mother's case has been changed from "missing" to a homicide investigation. They are working to have her "missing" pages removed. I am copying and pasting here for future reference.
http://www.doenetwork.org/cases/1513dfid.html

Marie Ann Watson
Name: Marie Ann Watson Case Classification: Endangered Missing Missing Since: November 21, 1977 Location Last Seen: Emmett, Gem County, Idaho
Physical Description
Date of Birth: December 3, 1949 Age: 27 yrs old Race: White Gender: Female Height: 5'7" Weight: 110 lbs Hair Color: Brown Eye Color: Blue Nickname/Alias: None Distinguishing Marks/Features: None
Identifiers
Dentals: Not Available Fingerprints: Not Available DNA: Available
Clothing & Personal Items
Clothing: Blue jacket with sheepskin lining Jewelry: Unknown Additional Personal Items: Unknown
Circumstances of Disappearance
Marie Ann Watson was last seen in Emmett, Idaho on November 21, 1977. A dispute over custody of two children being cared for by a suspect's parents ended when Marie Watson, the children's mother, disappeared in November 1977. The suspect's mother told authorities she had seen Watson get into a car and drive off. But her purse and other belongings were later found in a car parked at the suspect's home.
Investigating Agency(s)
Agency Name: Idaho Missing Person Clearinghouse Agency Contact Person: Investigator Tom Nesbith Agency Phone Number: 208-484-2097 Agency E-Mail: [email protected] Agency Case Number: N/A
Agency Name: Gem County Sheriff's Office Agency Contact Person: Captain Dave Timony Agency Phone Number: 208-477-2025 Agency E-Mail: [email protected] Agency Case Number: CC35144
NCIC Case Number: M021230559 NamUs Case Number: 2066
Information Source(s)
NamUs Nampn Idaho Missing Persons Clearinghouse
Admin Notes
Added: 2/19/2007; Last Updated: 6/6/2017

"Intro"
Kanye, can I talk to you for a minute? Me and the other faculty members was wonderin could you do a lil som... Somethin beautiful Somethin that the kids is gon love when they hear it Thas gon make them start jumpin up and down and sharin candy an' stuff Think you could probably do somethin for the kids for graduation to sing?
"We Don't Care"
[Chorus] [Kanye West:] And all my people thats drug dealin jus to get by stack ya money till it gets sky high We wasnt supposed to make it past 25 but the jokes on you we still alive Throw your hands up in the sky and say we don't care what people say
[Verse One:] If this is your first time hearing this You are about to experience something cold man We never had nothing handed took nothing for granted Took nothing from no man, man i'm my own man But as a shorty i looked up to the dopeman Only adult man i knew that wasnt a broke man Flickin starter coats man, Man you ount no man We don't care what people say This is for my niggas outside all winter Cuz this summer they aint finna to say next summer im finna Sittin in the hood like community colleges This dope money here is Lil Treys scholarship Cause aint no to tuition for havin no ambition And aint no loans for sittin your ass at home So we forced to sell crack rap and get a job You gotta do something man your ass is grown
[Chorus] [Kanye West:] Drug dealin jus to get by stack ya money till it gets sky high
Kids Sing Kids Sing
[Kanye and Kids:] We wasnt supposed to make it past 25 but the jokes on you we still alive Throw your hands up in the sky and say we don't care what people say
[Verse Two:] The second verse is for my dogs working 9 to 5 That still hustle cause a nigga can't shine off $6.55 And everybody selling make-up, Jacobs And bootleg tapes just to get they cake up We put shit on layaway then come back We claim other people kids on our income tax We take that money cop work than push packs to get paid And we don't care what people say Momma say she wanna move south Scratchin lottery tickets Eyes on a new house Around the same time Doe ran up in dudes house Couldnt get a job So since he couldnt get work he figured hed take work The drug game bolemic its hard to get weight So niggas money is homo its hard to get straight So we gon keep baking to the day we get cake. And we dont care what people say My Niggas
[Chorus] [Kanye West and Kids:] Drug dealin jus to get by stack ya money till it gets sky high
Kids Sing Kids Sing
We wasnt supposed to make it past 25 but the jokes on you we still alive Throw your hands up in the sky and say we don't care what people say
[Verse Three:] You know the kids gonna act a fool When you stop the programs for after school And they DCFS them some of them dislecsic They favorite 50 Cent song's 12 Questions We scream, rock, blows, weed park so now we smart We aint retards the way teachers thought Hold up hold fast we make mo'cash Now tell my momma i belong in the slow class It's bad enough we on welfare You trying to put me on the school bus with the space for the wheel chair Im trying to get the car with the chromy wheels here You tryin to cut our lights like we dont live here Look at whats handed us our fatheres abandoned us When we get the hammers gone and call the ambulance Sometimes i feel no one in this world understands us But we dont care what people say My Niggas
[Chorus] [Kanye West and Kids:] drug dealin jus to get by stack ya money till it gets sky high
Kids Sing Kids Sing
We wasnt supposed to make it past 25 but the jokes on you we still alive Throw your hands up in the sky and say we don't care what people say
"Graduation Day"
What in the fuck was that Kanye I told you to do some shit for the kids You can give me your muthafucking graduation ticket right now You will not walk across that stage, you won’t slide across that stage A muthafucka can’t pull you across that stage Kanye Who told you see, I told you to do something up lifting I’m trynna get you out here with these white people and this how you gone do me You know what us a nigga And I don’t mean that in no nice way Had little kids sing about the shit, the jokes on you You throw your mutha hands in the air, and wave good-bye to everybody Cause you getting the fuck out of this campus Mutha what you gone do now
I'm no longer confused but don't tell anybody. I'm about to break the rules but don't tell anybody. I got something better than school but don't tell anybody. My momma would kill me but don't anybody. she wants me to get a good ass job just like everybody. She ain'twalked in my shoes i'm just not everybody.
"All Falls Down" (feat. Syleena Johnson)
[Chorus - 4x] Oh when it all, it all falls down I'm telling you ohh, it all falls down
[Verse - Kanye West] Man I promise, she's so self conscious She has no idea what she's doing in college That major that she majored in don't make no money But she won't drop out, her parents will look at her funny Now, tell me that ain't insecurrre The concept of school seems so securrre Sophmore three yearrrs aint picked a careerrr She like fuck it, I'll just stay down herre and do hair Cause that's enough money to buy her a few pairs of new Airs Cause her baby daddy don't really care She's so precious with the peer pressure Couldn't afford a car so she named her daughter Alexus (a Lexus) She had hair so long that it looked like weave Then she cut it all off now she look like Eve And she be dealing with some issues that you can't believe Single black female addicted to retail and well
[Chorus - repeat 2x (w/ Kanye ad-libs)]
[Verse - Kanye West] Man I promise, I'm so self conscious That's why you always see me with at least one of my watches Rollies and Pasha's done drove me crazy I can't even pronounce nothing, pass that versace! Then I spent 400 bucks on this Just to be like nigga you ain't up on this! And I can't even go to the grocery store Without some ones thats clean and a shirt with a team It seems we living the american dream But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem The prettiest people do the ugliest things For the road to riches and diamond rings We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us We trying to buy back our 40 acres And for that paper, look how low we a'stoop Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coop/coupe
[Chorus - repeat 2x (w/ Kanye ad-libs)]
[Verse - Kanye West] I say fuck the police, thats how I treat em We buy our way out of jail, but we can't buy freedom We'll buy a lot of clothes when we don't really need em Things we buy to cover up what's inside Cause they make us hate ourself and love they wealth That's why shortys hollering "where the ballas' at?" Drug dealer buy Jordans, crackhead buy crack And a white man get paid off of all of that But I ain't even gon act holier than thou Cause fuck it, I went to Jacob with 25 thou Before I had a house and I'd do it again Cause I wanna be on 106 and Park pushing a Benz I wanna act ballerific like it's all terrific I got a couple past due bills, I won't get specific I got a problem with spending before I get it We all self conscious I'm just the first to admit it
[Chorus - to fade (w/ Kanye ad-libs)]
"I'll Fly Away"
Some glad morning when this life is over, I'll fly away. To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory, I'll fly away. When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye, I'll fly away.
When the shadows of this life have flown, I'll fly away. Like a bird thrown, driven by the storm, I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory, I'll fly away. When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye, I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then, I'll fly away. To a land where joy shall never end, I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, O Glory, I'll fly away. When I die, Hallelujah, bye and bye, I'll fly away.
"Jesus Walks"
Yo, we at war We at war with terrorism, racism, and most of all we at war with ourselves (Jesus walks) God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down (Jesus walks with me) with me, with me, with me [fades]
You know what the Midwest is? Young & Restless Where restless (niggas) might snatch your necklace And next these (niggas) might jack your Lexus Somebody tell these (niggas) who Kanye West is I walk through the valley of the shadow of death is Top floor the view alone will leave you breathless Uhhhh! Try to catch it Uhhhh! It's kinda hard Getting choked by the detectives yeah yeah now check the method They be asking us questions, harass and arrest us Saying, "We eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast." Huh? Y'all eat pieces of shit? What's the basis? We ain't going nowhere but got suits and cases A trunk full of coke rental car from Avis My mamma used to say only Jesus can save us Well mamma I know I act a fool But I'll be gone 'til November I got packs to move I Hope
[Hook 2x] (Jesus walks) God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down (Jesus walks with me) The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now (Jesus walks) And I don't think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs (Jesus walks with me) I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long
To the hustlers, killers, murderers, drug dealers even the strippers (Jesus walks with them) To the victims of Welfare for we living in hell here hell yeah (Jesus walks with them) Now hear ye hear ye want to see Thee more clearly I know he hear me when my feet get weary Cause we're the almost nearly extinct We rappers are role models we rap we don't think I ain't here to argue about his facial features Or here to convert atheists into believers I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus So here go my single dog radio needs this They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus That means guns, sex, lies, video tapes But if I talk about God my record won't get played Huh? Well if this take away from my spins Which will probably take away from my ends Then I hope this take away from my sins And bring the day that I'm dreaming about Next time I'm in the club everybody screaming out
(Jesus walks) God show me the way because the devil trying to break me down (Jesus walks) The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now (Jesus walks) And I don't thing there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs (Jesus walks with me... fades) I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long
"Never Let Me Down" (feat. Jay-Z, J-Ivy)
[Intro:] Yeah Grandmama Told you I won't let you down Told you I won't let this rap game change me, right?
[Chorus:] When it comes to being true, at least true to me One thing I found,one thing I found Oh no you'll neva let me down, Get up I get(down) Get up I get(down) Get up I get(down) Get up I get(down) Get up I get(down) Get up I get(down)
[Jay-Z:] Yo, yo first I snatched the street then I snatched the charts, First had they ear now I hav they're heart, Rappers came and went, I've been hear from the start, Seen them put it together Watch them take it apart, See the Rovers roll up wit ribbons I've seen them re-poed, re-sold and re-driven So when I reload, he holds #1 position When u hot I'm hot And when your feet cold, mines is sizzelin It's plain to see Nigga's can't f*** wit me Cuz ima be that nigga fo life This is not an image This is God given This is hard liven Mixed wit crystal sipping It's the most consistent Hov Give you the most hits you can fit inside a whole disc and Nigga I'm home on these charts, y'all niggaz visitin It's Hov tradition, Jeff Gordan of rap I'm back to claim pole position, holla at ya boy
[Chorus]
[Kanye West:] I get down for my grandfather who took my momma Made her sit that seat where white folks ain't wanna us to eat At the tender age of 6 she was arrested for the sit in With that in my blood I was born to be different Now niggas can't make it to ballots to choose leadership But we can make it to Jacob and to the dealership That's why I hear new music And I just don't be feeling it Racism still alive they just be concealing it But I know they don't want me in the damn club They even made me show I.D to get inside of Sam's club I did dirt and went to church to get my hands scrubbed Swear I've been baptised at least 3 or 4 times But in the land where nigga's praise Yukons and getting paid It gon' take a lot more than coupons to get us saved Like it take a lot more than do-rags to get your waves Noting sadder than that day my girl father past away So I promised to Mr Rany I'm gonna marry your daughter And u know I gotta thank u for they way that she was brought up And I know that u were smiling when u see that car I bought her And u sent tears from heaven when u seen my car get balled up But I can't complaint what the accident did to my Left Eye Cuz look what a accident did to Left Eye First Aaliyah and now romeo must die I know a got angels watching me from the other side
[Chorus x2]
[J.Ivy:] We are all here for a reason on a particular path You don't need a curriculum to know that you are part of the math Cats think I'm delirious, but I'm so damn serious That's why I expose my soul to the globe, the world I'm trying to make it better for these little boys and girls I'm not just another individual, my spirit is a part of this That's why I get spiritual, but I get my hymns from Him So it's not me, it's He that's lyrical I'm not a miracle, I'm a heaven-sent instrument My rhythmatic regimen navigates melodic notes for your soul and your mental That's why I'm instrumental Vibrations is what I'm into Yeah, I need my loot by rent day But that is not what gives me the heart of Kunte Kinte I'm tryina give us "us free" like Cinque I can't stop, that's why I'm hot Determination, dedication, motivation I'm talking to you, my many inspirations When I say I can't, let you or self down If I were of the highest cliff, on the highest riff And you slipped off the side and clinched on to your life in my grip I would never, ever let you down And when these words are found Let it been known that God's penmanship has been signed with a language called love That's why my breath is felt by the deaf And why my words are heard and confined to the ears of the blind I, too, dream in color and in rhyme So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house Cuz whenever I open my heart, my soul, or my mouth A touch of God reigns out
[Chorus]
[Jay-Z (Kanye West)] Who else you know been hot this long, (Oh Ya, you know we ain't finished) Started from nothing but he got this strong, (The ROC is in the building) Built the ROC from a pebble, pedalled rock before I met you, Pedalled bikes, got my nephews pedal bikes because they special, Let you tell that man I'm falling, Well somebody must've caught him, Cause every fourth quarter, I like to Mike Jordan 'em, Number one albums, what I got like four of dem, More of dem on the way, The Eight Wonder on the way, Clear the way, I'm here to stay, Y'all can save the chitter chat, this and that, this and Jay, Dissin' Jay 'ill get you mased, When I start spitting them lyrics, niggas get very religious, Six Hail Maries, please Father forgive us, Young, the Archbishop, the Pope John Paul of y'all niggas, The way y'all all follow Jigga, Hov's a living legend and I tell you why, Everybody wanna be Hov and Hov still alive.
"Get Em High" (feat. Talib Kweli, Common)
[Kanye West] I'm trying to catch the beat, uh I'm trying to catch the beat I'm trying to catch the beat, uh uh, uh I'm trying to catch the beat
[Chorus (Kanye West):] Now, throw your motherfucking hands GET 'EM HIGH All the girls pass the weed to your motherfucking man GET 'EM HIGH Now I ain't never tell you to put down your hands KEEP 'EM HIGH And if your losing your high then* smoke again KEEP 'EM HIGH
[Verse 1: Kanye West] Now, my flow Is in the pocket like wallets, I got the bounce like hydraulics I can't call it, I got the swerve like alcoholics My freshman year I was going through hella problems 'til I built up the nerve to drop my ass up outta college My teacher said I'm a loser, I told her why don't you kill me I give a fuck if you fail me, I'm gonna follow my heart, And if you follow the charts, or the plaques or the stacks You ain't gotta guess who's back, You see I'm so Chi that you thought it was bashful But this bastard's flow will bash a skull And I will cut your girl like Pastor Troy And I don't usually smoke but pass the 'dro And I won't give you that money that you asking for Why you think me and Dame cool? We're assholes! That's why we hear your music in fast forward 'Cause we don't wanna hear that weak shit no more
[Chorus (Kanye West)]
[Verse 2: Kanye West] Now who the hell is this? E-mailing me at 11:26, telling me that she 36-26, plus double D You know how girls on black planet be when they get bubbly At NYU but she hail from Kansas, right now she just lampin, chilling on campus Sent me a picture with her feeling on Candice Who said her favorite rapper was the late great Francis W-H-I-T, it's getting late mami, your screen saver say tweet So you got to call me, and bring a friend for my friend His name Kweli (You mean Talib, lyrics stick to your rib) I mean (That's my favorite CD that I play in my crib) I mean (You don't really know him, why is you lying) You Kwe, she don't believe me, please pick up the line She's gonna think that I'm lying, just spit a couple of lines Then maybe I'll be able to give her dick all the time, and get her high
[Verse 3: Talib Kweli] Yeah, I can't believe this nigga use my name for picking up dimes But never mind, I need some tracks you trying to pull tracks out And my rhymes is finna blow you trying to blow backs out Well OK, you twisted my arm, I'll assist with the charm, aiyyo Ain't you meet that chick at that conference with your mom? She's the bomb, but she got the boujee behavior Always got something to say like an OK player hater Anyway, I don't usually fuck with the Internet Or chicks on Birth Control stuck to they arm like Nicorette You really fucking that much, you trying to get off cigarettes And she think it's fly, she ain't met a real nigga yet I apologize if I come off a little inconsiderate I got the bubble kush and a sister could get a hit of it
[Verse 4: Common] Get 'em high like noon, or the moon or room filled with smoke A high filled with dope You all assumed I was doomed, out of tune, but I still feel the notes The real nigga quotes Real rappers is hard to find like a remote control, Rap is not a used to but still got love, That's why I abuse you who are not thugs Rock clubs, it's like Tiger Woods in the hood, to have my own reality show Called Soul Survivor, I stole all liver, niggas in you You's a bitch I got ones that are thicker than you How could I ever let your words affect me, they say Hip-Hop is dead I'm here to resurrect me, mosh is too sexy to even make songs like these That's why the raw don't know your name, like Alicia Keys Too many featured MCs, and producers is popular Twelve thousand spins, nobody got to copping her Album, how come, you the hot garbage of The year, It's clear your image is snooped up Label got you souped up, telling you you're sick Man you a dick with a loose nut Video hard to watch like Medusa Even your club record need a booster Chimped up, with a pimp cup, illiterate nigga Read the infa, red across your head Imma bred King like Simba Boulder then Denver, I ain't a Madd Rapper just a MC with a temper You dancing for money like honey, I did this my way So when the industry crash, I survive like Kanye Spitting through wires and fires, MCs retiring Got your hands up, get them motherfuckers higher then
[Chorus (Kanye West)]
"Workout Plan"
[Girl #1] Ay Wussup gurl
[Girl #2] Heyy gurl
[Girl #3] Hey How u doin'?
[Girl #1] Ay you know i finally got my shit together been watchin that workout plan gurl!!
[Girl #2] Well you lookin' all good and stuff you got you a-
[Girl #1] Gurl i know it's that workout
[Girl #2] Got you a six pack shakuar and stuff
[Girl #1] Don't say it
[Girl #3] my nigga my nigga i'm tired of puttin 1-8-7 in my niggas pager that shit aint workin' no more
[Girl #1] Gurl you know i'ma video hofesional now (Gurl) since i copped this new workout plan my shit is right rollin' in lexus, acruasss everything gurll
[Girl #3] Gurl u need to let me know where i can cop that how much is it?
[Girl #1] Gurl you know you ain't gotta pay nuttin' around me i'm tha bootleg queeen i'll give it to you for free.99
[Both girl #2, and #3] FREE.99!!
[Girl #3] That's my dawg you always lookin out for us
[Girl #2] My nigga now i can throw away my bus pass and shit oh my God
[Girl #3] Oh shit
"The New Workout Plan"
[Intro] You just popped in the Kanye West Get right for the summer workout tape And ladies if you follow these instructions exactly You might bear to pull you a rapper, a NBA player Man, at least a dude wit' a car So first of all we gon' work on the stomach Nobody wants a little tight ass!
[Verse 1] 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit ups right and Tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this Give head, stop breathe, get up, check your weave Don't drop the blunt and disrespect the weed Pick up your son and don't disrespect your seed It's a party tonight and ooh she's so excited Tell me who's invited: you, your friends and my dick What's scary to me is Henny makes girls look like Halle Berry to me So excuse me miss, I forgot your name Thank you, God bless you, good night I came.. I came... I came..
[Chorus:] It's been a week without me And she feels weak without me She wanna talk it out but Ain't nothin to talk about less She talks about freakin out so Maybe we can work it out Work it out [4x] Maybe we could work it out
[Verse 2] Oh girl your silhouette make me wanna light a cigarette My name Kanye from the Jigga set Twista said get it wet Ooh, girl your breath is HARSH Cover your mouth up like you got SARS Off them tracks yea I bought them cars Still killa a nigga on 16 bars We ain't sweatin' to the oldies we jukin to a cold beat Maybe one day girl we can bone So you can brag to all your homies now But I still mess with a big girl if you ain't fit girl I'll hit girl 1 and you brought 2 friends OK 3 more now hop in the Benz 4 door do you know the difference between a 5, 6, 7, 8 All the mocha lattes you gotta do Pilates You gotta pop this tape in before you start back dating Hustlers, gangstas, all us, ballas
[Chorus]
[Interlude: Ladies speaking w/ Kanye in the background] [Jill] Hi, may name is Jill, I just want to say thanks to Kanye's workout plan. I was able to pull a NBA player And like now I shop every day on Rodeo drive I just want to say, thank you Kanye! woooo! woooo! woooo!
[Lasandra] My name is Lasandra, and I just want to say that ever since listenin' to Kanye's workout tape I was able to get my phone bill paid, I got sounds and 13's put up in my Cavalier and I was able to get a free trip to Cancun And what's most importantly is that I ain't gotta fuck Ray Ray's broke ass no mo'
(Work it mo' juge it mo' pump it mo, Chi-town mo' let's go mo')
[Alamae] My name is Alamae from Mobille, Alabama and I just want to say since listenin' to Kanye's workout tape I been able to date outside the family, I got a double wide And I rode the plane, rode the plane, rode the plane
[Girl] Thanks to Kanye's workout plan I'm the envy of all my friends See I pulled me a baller man (yeah) And I don't gotta work at the mall again
[Beat changes]
(Lemme break ya wit' a piece of) My favorite work out plan (oh! oh! oh!) I wanna see you work out (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) (It's that old Michael Jackson shit)
That's right put in work, move your ass, go wizzerk Eat your salad, no dessert Get that man you deserve It's Kanye's workout plan I said it's Kanye's workout plan (Ladies and gentlemen) It's Kanye's workout plan (Allow myself to introduce myself) His woooorrrrkkoouut plan (This time around I want y'all to clap like this)
That's right, put in work Move your ass, go wizzerk Eat your salad, no dessert Get that man you deserve (Stop!) It's Kanye's workout plan (Ok bring) I said it's Kanye's workout plan (I know y'all ain't tired) It's Kanye's workout plan (But I hope not, 'cuz on this one I need ya) His woooorrrrkkoouut plan (To give me a soul clap ok? Double time)
That's right, put in work (Woo!) Move your ass, go wizzerk (Ow! Eat your salad, no dessert (Ugh!) Get that man you deserve
That's right, put in work (Put in work) Move your ass, go wizzerk (Go wizzerk) Eat your salad, no dessert (No dessert) Get that man you deserve (You hear, ugh)
That's right, put in work (That's right put in work) Move your ass, go wizzerk (Go wizzerk) Eat your salad, no dessert (Eat your salad, no dessert) Get that man you deserve (Woo!)
(Okay, okay, okay, that's, that'd be good) [Applause and cheering] (I appreciate your time) I want to see you work out for me Woah, yeah
"Slow Jamz" (feat. Twista, Jamie Foxx)
[Luther Vandross] Are you gonna be? Say that you're gonna be
[Jamie Foxx] Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh...
[Chorus (Jamie Foxx):] She said she wants some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross, a little Anita, will definitely set this party off right (Are you gonna be, are you gonna be, are you gonna be, are you gonna be, are you gonna be? Well well well well well) She said she want some Ready for the World, some New Edition, some Minnie Ripperton, and definitely set this party off right (Are you gonna be, are you gonna be, are you gonna be, are you gonna be, are you gonna be? Well well well well well)
[Kanye West] I told her to drive over in your new whip Bring some friends you cool with I'm gonna bring the cool whip Then I want you to strip See you is my new chick So we get our grind on She be grabbing, calling me Biggie like Shine home Man, I swear she fine homes Why she always lying though Telling me them diamonds when she know they rhinestones She got a light skinned friend look like Michael Jackson Got a dark skinned friend look like Michael Jackson I play 'Ready for the World' - she was ready for some action My dawg said you ain't no freak, so you got to prove my man wrong I'm a play this Vandross You're gonna take your pants off I'm gonna play this Gladys Knight Me and you're gonna get right
[Chorus X2]
[Twista] Got you looking at the gliss at my hands and wrists While I'm laying back smoking on my cannabis When it come to rocking the rhythm like Marvin and Luther I can tell you ain't no messing with Kan-man and Twist From the Chi and I be Sipping Hennessy Play some R&B Trying to smoke a B Looking properly Feeling on a G? And always (well well well well well) Come with me and sip on some Evelyn Champagne You ain't know Twista can work it like the Whispers Hit the stop light, get into some Isaac The rims still moving so I'm bumping little spinners While I'm smoking on a B Dipping through the streets Bumping R&B And I got to leave something to the 23's? And I do it (well well well well well) With my earth and the wind smoke a fire Let me when get your sheets wet listening to Keith Sweat Put you in a daze for maze Fullfilling our every temptation slow jamming having deep sex You ready for the world girl Come on over make me touch you all over your body baby don't say no to me An every moment you controllin' me I'm loving the way you be holding me when I be listening to Jodeci And when I come over and bend your ass You be bumping Teddy Pendergrass I'd hit it from the back to the melody to roll it slow Now I gotta go up in it fast, but I'm gonna finish last No matter how much of a thug you see I still spit it like it's R&B, so to the club with me And with some Luther come on and hope you finna and still be in love with me
[Chorus X2]
[Twista] Baby drop another slow jam And all us lovers need hold hands And if you ain't got no man hop up in my Brougham I keep it pimping like an old man You got to roll with the plan Cause after that then I Take it to the dome Then I got to bone Stay up in the zone Got to get you home Gotta run up on And I do it (well well well well well) Baby drop another slow jam And all us lovers need hold hands And if you ain't got no man hop up on my brohem I keep it pimping like an old man You got to roll with the plan Cause after that then I Take you to my home And we could get it on Disconnect the phone Just to get you goin' Trying to make you moan And I do it (well well well well well)
"Two Words" (feat. Mos Def, Freeway, The Harlem Boys Choir)
[Kanye West] We in the streets playa, getcha mail It's only two places you'll end up - either dead or in jail Still nowhere to go...still nowhere to go Now throw ya hands up bustless, bustas, boostas, hoes Everybody, fuck that Still nowhere to go...sill nowhere to go..
[Mos Def] Two words, United States, no love, no brakes Low brow, high stakes, crack smoke, black folks Big Macs, fat folks, ecstasy capsules Presidential scandals, everybody MOVE Two words, Mos Def, K West, hot shit Calm down, get back, ghetto people, got this Game ball, lock shit, dump off, cock shit We won't stop shit, everybody MOVE Two words, BK , NY, bedstuy Two hawks, too hungry, too many, that's why These streets know game, can't ball, don't play Every traffic, one lane, everybody MOVE Two words, Mos Def, black check, hot shit Calm down, get back, ghetto people, got this Game point lock, long pump cocked We won't stop, everybody MOVE
[Chorus: Kanye West (Harlem Boys Choir)]
[1] - Now throw ya hands up bustless, bustas (Throw your hands up high) Boostas, hoes, everybody, fuck that (ohhhhhh) Still nowhere to go...still nowhere to go... (ohhhhhh)
[2] - and keep ya hands up bustless, bustas (Till they reach the sky) Boostas, hoes, everybody, fuck that (ohhhhhh) Still nowhere to go...still nowhere to go... (ohhhhhh)
[Kanye West (Harlem Boys Choir)] Aiyyo, two words, Chi town, South side, world wide Cuz I, rep that, till I, fuckin die One neck, two chains, one waist, two gats One wall, twenty plaques, dudes say, "Gimme that" I am limelight, Blueprint, 5 Mics Go getters rhyme like, shoulda been signed twice Most imitated, Grammy nominated Hotel accommodated, cheerleader, prom dated Barbershop, playa hated, mom and pop, bootlegged it Felt like it rained till the roof caved in Two words, Chi town, raised me, crazy So I live by two words, "Fuck you, pay me" Screamin, Jesus save me You know how the game be I can't let em change me Cuz on Judgment Day, you gon blame me Look God, it's the same me I (Throw) basically know now (Your) we could (Up) racially profile (High) Cuffed up and hosed down, pimped up and hoe down (ohhhhhh) Plus I got a whole city to hold down (ohhhhhh) From the bottom to the top The only place to go down
[Chorus 2nd verse]
[Freeway] Two words, Freeway, two letters, A-R Turn y'all rap niggaz into two words, fast runners Like Jackie Jurner, you better sleep with your burner The heat skeet, blow a reef through ya car My God, two words, no guns, break arms Break necks, break backs, Steven Segul Free...young bars, fresh men of the Roc Left the beef in the pot Jay sent for his dogs and broads, forget ya squad, let em find for yourself Have you screamin out four words "Send for the Lord" Two words, Freeway's slightly retarded Fuck around, throw a clip in ya artist, leave with his broad..
[Harlem Boys Choir (Mos Def)] Throw... (red) Your... (white) Hands... (blue) Up... (black)
Throw... (calm) Your... (down) Hands... (move) Up... (back)
Throw... (motherfuckers) Your... (askin) Hands... (who is) Up... (that)
Throw... (you know) Your... (it's the) Hands... (almighty) Up... (Mighty Johnny Jack)
Throw... (Mos) Your... (Def) Hands... (K) Up... (West)
Throw... (there go) Your... (people) Hands... (get this) Up... (shit off ya chest)
Throw... (north) Your... (to the south) Hands... (to the east) Up... (to the west)
Throw... (we got) Your... (that concert) Hands... (it was no) Up... (contest)
HIGH! (an show it to em like)
"Through The Wire"
Yo G they can't stop me from rapping can they? Can they, huh?
[Chorus:] Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall For a chance to be with you, I'd gladly risk it all Through the fire, through whatever come what may For a chance at loving you, I'd take it all away Right down through the wire, even through the fire
I spit it through the wire man There's too much stuff on my heart right now man I'll gladly risk it all right now It's a life or death situation man Y'all don't really understand how I feel right now man It's your boy Kanye to the... Chi-Town what's going on
[Verse 1:] I drink a boost for breakfast, and ensure for dessert Somebody ordered pancakes I just sip the sizzurp That right there could drive a sane man bizzerk Not to worry Mr. H 2 the Izzo's back to wizzerk How do you console my mom or give her light support? Telling her your son's on life support And just imagine how my girl feel On the plane scared as hell that her guy look like Emmett Till She was with me before the deal she been trying to be mine She a delta so she been throwing them Dynasty signs No use me tryin' to be lyin' I been trying to be signed Trying to be a millionaire How I use two lifelines In the same hospital where Biggie Smalls died The doctor said I had blood clots But I ain't Jamaican man Story on MTV and I ain't trying to make a band I swear this right here is history in the making man
[Chorus]
I really apologize how I sound right now man If it's unclear at all, man They got my mouth wired shut for like I don't know the doctor said for like six weeks You know we had reconstru... I had reconstructive surgery on my jaw Looked in the mirror half my jaw was in the back of my mouth man I couldn't believe it But I'm still here for you all right now yo This is what I gotta say yo Yeah, turn me up yeah
[Verse 2:] What if somebody from the Chi that was ill got a deal on the hottest rap label around But he wasn't talking bout coke and birds it was more like spoken word Except he's really putting it down And he explained the story about how blacks came from glory And what we need to do in the game Good dude, bad night, right place, wrong time In the blink of an eye his whole life changed If you could feel how my face felt you would know how Mace felt Thank God I ain't too cool for the safe belt I swear to God driver two wanna sue I got lawyer for the case to keep what's in my safe; safe My dawgs couldn't tell if I I look like Tom Cruise on Vanilla Sky, it was televised There's been an accident like GEICO They thought I was burnt up like Pepsi did Michael I must gotta angel Cause look how death missed his ass Unbreakable, would you thought they called me Mr. Glass Look back on my life like the ghost of Christmas past Toys R Us where I used to spend that Christmas cash And I still won't grow up, I'm a grown ass kid Swear I should be locked up for stupid shit that I did But I'm a champion, so I turned tragedy to triumph Make music that's fire, spit my soul through the wire
[Chorus]
Know what I'm saying When the doctor told me I had a um.. I was going to have a plate on my chin I said dawg don't you realize I'll never make it on the plane now Its bad enough I got all this jewelry on Can't be serious man
[Chorus repeats till fade]
"Family Business"
[Intro: Kanye West] How's your son? (all, all, all the things, things) He make the team this year? (all, all, all the things things) Aw th-, they said he wasn't tall enough? (all, all, all the glitter is not gold) Yeah me we gon' cook this up (now gold is not a reality) (real is what you live to be)
[Verse 1: Kanye West] This is family business And this is for the family that can't be with us And this is for my cousin locked down, know the answer's in us That's why I spit it in my songs so sweet Like a photo of your granny's picture Now that you're gone it hit us Super hard on Thankgiving and Christmas, this can't be right Yeah you heard the track I did man, this can't be life Somebody please say grace so I can save face And have a reason to cover my face I even made you a plate, soul food, know how Granny do it Monkey bread on the side, know how the family do it When I brought it why had guard have to look all to it? As kids we used to laugh Who knew that life would move this fast? Who knew I'd have to look at you through a glass? And look, tell me you ain't did it, you ain't did it And if you did, then that's family business
[Hook: Choir] And I don't care 'bout (all the, all the diamond rings, diamond rings) They don't mean a thing (all, all, all the things) All these fancy things I tell you that all (all the glitter) my weight in gold Now all I know I know all these things
[Verse 2: Kanye West] This is family business And this is for everybody standin' with us Come on, let's take a family Grammy picture Abby, remember when they ain't believe in me? Now she like "See, that's my cousin on TV" Now, we gettin' it and we gon' make it And y'all gon' hate it and I'm his favorite I can't deny it, I'm a straight rider But when we get together be electric slidin' Grandma, get 'em shook up Aw naw, don't open the photo book up I got an Aunt Ruth that can't remember your name But I bet them Polaroids'll send her down memory lane You know that one auntie, you don't wanna be rude But every holiday nobody eatin' her food And you don't wanna stay there cuz them your worst cousins Got roaches at their crib like them your first cousins Act like you ain't took a bath with your cousins Fit three in the bed while six of y'all I'm talkin' 'bout three by the head and three by the leg But you ain't have to tell my girl I used to pee in the bed
[Interlude: Choir] Rain, rain, rain go away Let the sun come out and all the children say Rain, rain, rain go away Let the sun come out and all the children say
[Verse 3: Kanye West] I woke up early this mornin' with a new state of mind A creative way to rhyme without usin' knives and guns Keep your nose out the sky, keep your heart to God And keep your face to the risin' sun All my niggas from the Chi, that's my family dog And my niggas ain't my guys, they my family dog I feel like one day you'll understand me dog You can still love your man and be manly dog You ain't got to get heated at every house warmin' Sittin' here, grillin' people like George Foreman Why Uncle Ray and Aunt Shiela always performin'? The second she storms out then he storms in Y'all gon' sit down, have a good time this reunion And drink some wine like Communion And act like everything fine and if it isn't We ain't lettin' everybody in our family business
[Interlude: Choir] (all the, all the diamond rings, diamond rings) They don't mean a thing (all, all, all the things) They don't mean a thing (all the, all the diamond rings, diamond rings) They don't mean a thing, a thing
[Hook: Choir] And I don't care 'bout (all the, all the diamond rings, diamond rings) They don't mean a thing (all, all, all the things) All these fancy things I tell you that all (all the glitter) my weight in gold Now all I know I know all these things
[Females:] (oooh) All these things (these things) [Males:] All these things (oooh) all these things (these things) [F:] All these things (oooh) all these things (these things) [M:] All these things (oooh) all these things (these things) [F:] All these things (oooh) all these things (these things) [M:] All these things (oooh) all these things (these things) [F:] All these things (oooh) all these things (these things) [M:] All these things (oooh) all these things (these things)

CONTENT COURTESY OF COLUMBIA CVB
 
ON STAGE

• “The Rat Trap,” the second of two Comedies-in-Concert presented by the University of Missouri’s Summer Repertory Theatre, riffs on Agatha Christie’s classic mystery “The Mousetrap.” MU grad and noted poet Chad Parmenter crafted this parody, which will be prepared and presented by its cast and crew in less than a day. 7:30 p.m. Tuesday at Corner Playhouse; $5.

• Maplewood Barn Theatre presents "Steel Magnolias" 8 PM Thursday-Sunday. A young beautician, newly arrived in a small Louisiana town, finds work at the local salon, where a small group of women share a close bond of friendship and welcome her into the fold.

• MU Summer Repertory Theatre presents “Greater Tuna” at 7:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday at Corner Playhouse; $12. Greater Tuna is the hilarious comedy about Tuna, Texas’s third smallest town, and the upstanding citizens who call it home. Tour-de-force performances by Matt Salzburg and Jean Tartiere bring this eclectic band of characters to life as they wrestle with small town life the Tuna way, because the more things change everywhere else, the more Tuna stays the same.

• Talking Horse Productions presents “Buyer and Cellar” at 7:30 p.m. Friday and Saturday and 2 p.m. July 10 at Talking Horse Theatre, 210 St. James St. Jonathan Tolins’ one-man show focuses on a down-and-out actor who takes a strange retail job on behalf of one of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Starring Adam Callahan. Tickets are $11 to $13. The show continues July 15-17.

 
SPECIAL EVENTS

• Movies in the Park: Lego Movie Friday 9 PM at Cosmo Park. Join us under the stars for these monthly films. Films are shown on a giant inflatable screen, and are always family friendly, so grab a blanket or low lawn chair and head out for an unforgettable evening of cinema. Pre-show activities and entertainment begin one hour prior to the movie start time. Concessions are available. No rain dates. This year, all movies are free of charge, thanks to Missouri Care. Emmett was an ordinary Lego man until he is mistakenly identified as the Special – he finds himself drafted into a fellowship of strangers who are on a mission to stop an evil tyrant’s plans for world domination.

• Movie on the Mall: Zootopia Friday 9 PM at Lowry Mall, MU. Join DSA on Lowry Mall for an outdoor film event, featuring “Zootopia”! The film begins at 9 p.m. Arrive early for food and crafts! This event is free and open to the public. We recommend bringing a blanket and a lawn chair. Rainsite: Jesse Auditorium.

• Rose Risque V Friday 9:30 PM at Rose Music Hall. Attendance DOUBLED AGAIN on Round 4! HOLY SMOKES! What a night! Don’t miss the much anticipated round 5 of burlesque and variety entertainment from some of the most well-known performers in the region. Stimulate your senses with a decadent evening full of glamour, glitter, dazzling costume and then shake it into the wee hours after the show with the lovely DJ GlitterStorm.

• Columbia Farmers Market Saturday 8 AM - noon at the ARC. Experience the taste of mid-Missouri at the Columbia Farmers Market! Columbia Farmers Market moves back to the parking lot behind the ARC and runs every Saturday (March 19-October 29) from 8-noon. Fresh vegetables & fruit, meat, farm fresh eggs, cheeses, honey, cut flowers, plants, artisan items & more. As a producer-only market, everything sold here is offered by the farmers and artisans who help sustain our region. Food Stamps accepted at all markets. Live music at the ARC market every Saturday! Rain or Shine! 573-823-6889.

• Boone County Farmers Market Saturday 8 AM - noon at the Columbia Mall. Offering a large selection of fruits, vegetables, flowering plants, hanging baskets, and wooden planters. Also specialty products like jams, jellies, baked goods, antibiotic-free beef, kettle corn, soaps.

• Splat! Jr. Obstacle Course Mud Run Saturday 8:30 AM at Gans Creek Recreation Area. Join us for the 3rd annual Splat challenge, where kids 4-15 years old can conquer walls, tires, pipes, slides, and much more. Of course there will be MUD and lots of it! The Splat course and obstacles are designed to be age appropriate in distance and difficulty. This is a youth event, entertainment is family friendly. Splat is great fun for individual kids and siblings, as well as groups like sports teams, birthday celebrations, or any group of kids who want to do something fun and unique together. Registration includes a Splat shirt and special offers from our sponsor partners. There are 8 waves to choose from, each having a 120 participant cap. This event has a history of selling out so register early. We can’t wait to see the smiles on the muddy kids! $25!
  
• CMN Street Party Saturday 10-3 PM at Mid-America Harley Davidson. MU's athletes will be prowling around and having fun with crafts, games and raffles at the 12th annual Street Party. TJ the tiger of MU Children's Hospital will be there, too. All proceeds will go toward the Hospital.
  

• Second Saturday for Kids Saturday 12 PM at Orr Street Studios. MU's athletes will be prowling around and having fun with crafts, games and raffles at the 12th annual Street Party. TJ the tiger of MU Children's Hospital will be there, too. All proceeds will go toward the Hospital.

• Ragtag Cinema presents ‘Royal Shakespeare Company: Shakespeare Live’ Saturday 12:30 PM. A unique event marking the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare's death. Hosted by David Tennant on Shakespeare's birthday, and screened from Stratford-upon-Avon, this star-studded show celebrates Shakespeare's plays and their enduring influence on music, dance, opera, musical theatre and comedy. Featuring appearances from, among others, Dame Judi Dench, Sir Ian McKellen, Joseph Fiennes, Meera Syal, Sanjeev Bhaskar, Rufus Wainwright, Akala (Hip Hop Shakespeare), The Royal Ballet and the English National Opera.

• 4 th Annual Harpo’s Luau Saturday 3 PM. Harpo's luaus are the archetype of having fun in the sun. Go to the party that starts in the afternoon and rallies to the early morning hours with others in tropical themed garb.

• Collectors’ Series Wine Release Party & Art Show Saturday 4-8 PM at Les Bourgeois Blufftop Bistro. Be among the first to sample and purchase the latest release of our Collector’s Series wines. Guests will be treated to tastings of the new vintages by our winemakers, a selection of appetizers by our Chef and live music. In addition, the winning artists featured on the labels will have collections of their artwork for show and sale. Join us from 4 – 8 pm at the Blufftop Bistro.

• Orr Street Farmers and Artisans Market Sunday 9-1 PM at Wabash Bus Station. Vendors with everything from fresh produce to handcrafted jewelry will be selling their wares. Food trucks and music will also be there to bring the fun to this weekly event.

• Go Nuts for Doughnuts Saturday 5 PM at Harold’s Doughnuts. Join Harold’s Pastry Chef Melissa Poelling for an evening of fun with doughnuts! This interactive class will teach you how to make several varieties of doughnuts and assorted glazes. Learn how to make your doughnuts vegan or gluten-free or both! Each participant will leave with hands-on, practical knowledge of how to make basic doughnuts from home. A recipe sheet will be given to each attendee at the end of the class. Each class is limited to 10 participants & is non-refundable. All classes are held at Harold’s located at 114 South 9th St. in downtown Columbia. $42.

• National Teddy Bear Picnic Day Sunday 4-6 PM at Douglass Park. Be sure to pack a picnic (hot dogs provided), bring a blanket, and grab your favorite teddy bear – dressed in their best attire of course, and join us! We will hear the teddy bear’s picnic song, enjoy fun and silly entertainment, and play games. Pre-registration is require and space is limited. Every registered child receives a free teddy bear! Free.

 
GALLERY

• Sager Braudis Gallery, 1025 E. Walnut St., presents its Summer Exhibit Tuesday through July 30. Exhibiting artists are Ramin Abrahim, Kevin Box, Scott Conary, Daniel Marks and Joel Sager.

• The State Historical Society of Missouri, located at Lowry Mall on the University of Missouri campus, presents Picturing Politics: Political Images by George Caleb Bingham and Thomas Hart Benton through July. The Society also presents In Sync with Thomas Hart Benton through July; the display shows several Benton works that touch on musical themes or images. shsmo.org.

• Printmaker Lisa Franko’s work is all about connections made and connections missed. Relationships between shapes and colors are a vehicle for considering human interactions — the meaningful, disappointing or just plain awkward. Franko, who was profiled in the Tribune’s Niche feature in May, exhibits her work at Resident Arts, 1023 E. Walnut No. 3, through July 31. The show, i know what you mean, features recent prints as well as an interactive, postcard-driven project that will encourage viewers to actually facilitate connections with others via correspondence.

• Columbia Art League, 207 S. Ninth St., presents a members’ summer open through Aug. 24. A reception will be held from 6 to 8 p.m. Saturday. columbiaartleague.org.

• The Museum of Art and Archaeology is putting on an exhibit of 19th century Japanese Art through December 11. Kabuki was a subversive form of theatre meant to challenge social customs and the government. The museum’s prints will depict the avant-garde art.

 
SPORTS

• Nada

 
LIVE MUSIC
 
Friday

• Hot Summer Nights: Steppin’ Out with Ben Vereen 7:30 p.m. at Missouri Theatre; $13.50 to $33.
  
• Frankie Ballard, Alec Davis 8 p.m. at The Blue Note; $20.
  
• The Comic Book Society 5:30 p.m. at Shiloh Bar and Grill.
  
• Artie’s Univibe 6:30 p.m. at Jazz, A Louisiana Kitchen.
  
• Anna Soulstice 7 PM at Cooper’s Landing; free.
  

Saturday

• Chain and the Gang 8 p.m. at Café Berlin; $8.
  
• Dark Below, Perish Lane, The Daily Crime, Things on TV 9 p.m. at Rose Music Hall; $5.
  
• Alexander East, KEVO 9 p.m. at The Social Room; $5.
  
• C. Rock City 4 p.m. at Les Bourgeois Vineyards.
  
• Joel Anderson Trio 6:30 p.m. at Jazz, A Louisiana Kitchen.
  
• Tom Andes Trio 9 p.m. at Murry’s.
  
• Jessy Johnson 7 PM at Cooper’s Landing.
  

Sunday

• Sunday Gospel Brunch noon at Rose Music Hall; free.

• Norm Ruebling Band 7 p.m. at Shelter Gardens.

• The Kay Brothers 4 PM at Les Bourgeois A Frame; free.

• Lee Ruth 5 PM at Cooper’s Landing; free.

 
MOVIE GUIDE
THE BFG - Roald Dahl's beloved book about a little girl who recruits a friendly giant and the Queen of England to defeat a hungry race of man-eating behemoths comes to the screen in this DreamWorks production.
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE - A CIA assassin (Dwayne Johnson) asks a former high-school classmate (Kevin Hart), now an accountant, for his help in saving the world.
THE CONJURING 2 - Ed (Patrick Wilson) and Lorraine Warren (Vera Farmiga) investigate one of the U.K.'s most notorious hauntings in this sequel.
FINDING DORY - The lovable amnesiac blue tang Dory (voiced by Ellen DeGeneres) searches for her parents off the coast of California. With the help of Nemo (Hayden Rolence) and his dad Marlin (Albert Brooks), Dory navigates the Monterey Marine Life Institute and evades predators along the way in search of her family and a place to call home.
FREE STATE OF JONES - In this historical action-drama inspired by true events, Matthew McConaughey plays a Southerner named Newt Knight who leads an armed rebellion of struggling farmers and slaves against the Confederacy in Mississippi during the American Civil War.
INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE - Roland Emmerich returns to the helm for the long awaited sequel to the 1996 blockbuster Independence Day. Fearful of another attack, the nations of Earth have teamed up against a common enemy - the extraterrestrials that brought their planet to the brink of extinction. Using recovered alien technologies, the Earth coalition is braced for another infiltration.
THE LEGEND OF TARZAN - Years after leaving the jungle and settling down with his wife Jane (Margot Robbie) in London, Tarzan (Alexander Skarsgård) is forced to return to the Congo in order to act as a trade representative for England. However, he soon clashes with a greedy Belgian captain (Christoph Waltz) who has sinister plans for his old home.
THE LOBSTER - This surreal, ingenious comedy is set in a world where singleness is forbidden. Colin Farrell stars as Alexander, a glum bachelor who is arrested and taken to The Hotel, where he and other single citizens are put to the test: locate a mate in 45 days, or be turned into an animal of your choosing. The Lobster (named after Alexander's animal of choice) is the critically acclaimed, English-language debut of notorious Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos (Dogtooth). It co-stars Rachel Weisz, Léa Seydoux and John C. Reilly.
MIKE & DAVE NEED WEDDING DATES - Hard-partying brothers Mike (Adam Devine) and Dave (Zac Efron) place an online ad to find the perfect dates (Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza) for their sister's Hawaiian wedding.
THE MUSIC OF STRANGERS - Back in 1998, acclaimed cellist Yo-Yo Ma turned away from his classical upbringing to create a freewheeling All-Star team of global musicians, with virtuosos on instruments as varied as the Japanese Shakuhachi flute, the Mongolian horsehead fiddle, and the Armenian aduduk. He called this handpicked group the Silk Road Ensemble. Since then, the merry band has brought its nomadic party everywhere, creating incredibly beautiful music together. Director Morgan Neville (20 Feet from Stardom, Best of Enemies) treats us to the group's marvelous talents, rich stories and outsized personalities. An uplifting mission to connect disparate parts of the world, The Music of Strangers is a feast for the eyes, ears and spirit.
NOW YOU SEE ME 2 - One year after outwitting the FBI and winning the public's adulation with their Robin Hood-style magic spectacles, the illusionists resurface for a comeback performance in hopes of exposing the unethical practices of a tech magnate.
THE PURGE: ELECTION YEAR - It’s been two years since Leo Barnes stopped himself from a regrettable act of revenge on Purge Night. Now as head of security for Senator Charlie Roan, his mission is to protect her in a run for president and survive the annual ritual.
THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS - This animated comedy from Illumination Entertainment asks the question: what do our pets do all day when we're not home? For the critters living in a Manhattan apartment building, the answer is: whatever they want! A terrier named Max regularly invites his friends to hang out at his place while his owner is gone, but his quiet life is upended when said owner also takes in Duke, a stray mutt whom Max instantly dislikes. Their feud eventually causes both of them to get lost in New York City, and as they work together to find their way home, they cross paths with a vicious bunny who plans to lead a group of abandoned pets on a mission of revenge against humanity.
THE SHALLOWS - It's woman vs. nature in this minimalist terror yarn where a grieving young woman's swim turns deadly when a shark comes between her and land.
SWISS ARMY MAN - Stranded on a deserted island, Hank (Paul Dano) is at his wit's end when a dead body (Daniel Radcliffe) washes ashore. He approaches the corpse and is startled when it starts to display signs of life. Hank sees this unusual corpse, whom he names "Manny," as his last opportunity to escape death. Together, they go on an epic adventure to bring Hank to the woman of his dreams. In their audacious and spectacularly inventive debut, music video directors Daniels (aka Daniel Scheinert and Daniel Kwan) find humor but also profundity in this bizarre, fantastical premise. Swiss Army Man took home the best director prize at Sundance.
WARCRAFT - Humans and orcs clash in this film adaptation of the popular video-game series.
WEINER - Politicians these days do not have it easy — they must expect to sacrifice all privacy once they enter the brutal political arena. But the tragicomedy of disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner went well beyond that, as his outsized ambition met other outsized appetites that begat one self-inflicted fiasco after another. Filmmakers Steinberg and Kriegman were uncommonly well-positioned — insiders during Weiner's New York City mayoral battle — capturing an epic political meltdown of historic proportions. With uncanny access to the candidate, his wife Huma Abedin (Hillary Clinton's closest aide), and his wobbly campaign team, Weiner plays out like a ripping, rollicking farce.
 
CHECK EACH THEATRE FOR SHOWTIMES
RAGTAG CINEMA – 10 Hitt Street 573-443-4359
REGAL STADIUM 14 THEATER – 2800 Goodwin Pointe Drive 573-817-0770
GOODRICH FORUM 8 – 1209 Forum Katy Parkway 573-445-7469